#its good to talk through things and get input from lots of different places

[amourtoken]

hi so this may be VERH tmi but like :( ive literally never ever been able to actually get off and its making me think of nicky or matt with an inexperienced reader :((((( helpin them get off and taking care of them andndjwnejenrne

I fucking love this and I was in your boat for YEARS so I entirely understand. I didn't realize I could even get off in the first place and thought the whole climax thing was just bs or that there was something wrong with me honestly 😭 I'm 21 now and didn't actually finish for the first time until i was like 18ish if that makes you feel better. I didn't understand my anatomy at all and every guy I'd been with till I met my bf didn't either so it was just a lot of missed opportunity.

Also: adding a cut bc this is LONGGGGG

I feel like explaining you've never gotten off to either of these guys would be like flipping a switch in their brain. Wdym you've never gotten off??? They'd make it a whole ordeal to change that.

Nicky would be "softer" about it, and I put that in quotes bc he's by no means a softie lmao he's a closet freak that just hides it well until the right moment. He's gonna take such good care of you :((

Nicky spends damn near a whole hour on foreplay itself, there's not an inch of your body that goes untouched. He wants you so needy you're shaking underneath him before he even touches you where you really need it. He'd kiss up and down your thighs and his fingers would dig into your hips a bit to drag you closer to his face so he can bury it in your pussy. He'll spend hours here if you let him he doesn't mind, he drags your hands up to his hair so you can pull him around however you need too cause he knows what he's doing but your input is important.

Honestly, he doesn't even care if he gets to cum tonight at all, he's doing this all for you. If eating you out isn't enough he'll work his fingers into you at the same time or offer to use a couple toys if that's better. He just wants you to feel good and he'll do anything to get there. Nicky only stops when he has another idea and that's to fuck you with a vibrator pressed right against your clit. He'd hand it to you so you could control the speed and pressure while he focused on fucking himself into you. If you can't seem to get it right he's more than happy to do it for you again and if the vibrator just isn't your thing dw babe he'll use his fingers.

The whole time he's talking you through it and praising you for doing such a good job for him. Once he can tell you're actually getting close he's practically high on it. He tries his best to not change his pace so you can ride out the feeling as long as you'd like but God once he feels you cumming around his cock he's rutting into you like a fucking animal and can't help himself.

"Fuck baby, that's it- shit- you're doing so good for me, it's okay- you're okay, feels good doesn't it?"

Matt on the other hand is an entirely different creature and when he hears you've never cum before he doesn't have the same "patience" Nicky does. He's more than happy to help you get off, but where Nicky spends hours bringing you to the edge, Matt is dragging you to it by your throat and forcing you off.

Matt wants you all fuzzy brained and subspaced for him during this whole thing cause he's gonna be taking care of you, you don't need to do any thinking. All you need to remember is his name.

I could for sure see him dragging you onto his lap in front of a big floor length mirror so he can show you everything he's doing. Your legs are spread on either side of his and he has one of those app controlled vibrators inside you (only taking it out when he wants to fill you up with his cock instead). The idea of watching yourself get off is embarrassing but fuck you're so wet it doesn't really matter at this point, Matt's fingers feel too good to worry about anything else. He has one hand spreading you wide and the other is switching from fingering you and scissoring you open to rubbing your clit and spreading your wetness around. His legs are keeping yours open even when yours squeeze against his and threaten to close.

You're literally dripping down his hand and wrist by the time he decides to fuck you, and he's not changing his stance from earlier, you're still in front of the mirror. He still ends up doing all the work and he's more than happy to though, picking you up and slamming you down on his cock until you were whimpering and crying. Your shoulder and neck are totally littered with bite marks and hickeys from him as well.

When he can tell you're getting close to that edge he hilts himself entirely inside you and wraps a hand around your throat to keep you steady while the other one abuses your clit. Youre twitching in his hold and nearly sobbing by this point cause it feels like an electric current is running under your skin until that coil in your belly unwinds and you yelp and cry in his arms while you cum around his dick. His pace slows on your clit but doesn't stop, he's trying to draw it out as much as he can for you before he lifts you off his cock to change positions.

[bobacupcake]

We got the earth and the sky, but has anyone asked about what you think of Abzu?

i love abzu!!! another one i have watched the gdc talk for which you can watch here!!

the two big things in abzu are the fish animations and the overall environment lighting - lets start with fish!! there are a lot of them. and when you want to animate a lot of things, your computer will explode. this is specifically when you animate things with bones, how a lot of computer things are animated

luckily one thing that gpus can be really good at is drawing a tonnnn of the same object really fast, using something called instancing. as long as its the same mesh and material, it can be rendered a ton with just a single draw call (like i am talking hundreds of thousands). so lets make 10 thousand fish. unluckily this doesnt work with skeleton animations. luckily you dont need them! especially with fish

even though all the objects need to be the same mesh and material, doesnt mean they cant have different input. not only that but shaders let you modify individual vertexes, so, what if you just take all 10000 fish and wiggle them along an axis, like this

and give them all slightly different inputs so they arent all doing the exact same animation, maybe by giving them each their own unique number. now you have 10 thousand fish swimming around, wiggling, at almost zero rendering cost

these are all individual 3d models and all their animations are running in the shader !

the other way they animated fish without giving them bones was through something called blendshapes - these are usually used for stuff like facial animations, where you move vertices around to your desired "shape" (so like maybe your default face is :| but you edit the vertices so your character goes :> etc), and keep track of the difference between each vertex's position and its original position so you can move it whenever you want

that doesnt need any bones so they used this for things like fish going CHOMP and fish making sharp turns

for the actual environment, they experimented with a bunch of things like using actual volumetric lighting, but in the end they found that just using fog worked best!! they did tweak it a bit though - they had a "zone" between where the fog started to get thick and when the fog just ended up being a solid color where they dimmed any lighting - this really helped the background geometry stick out and give that underwater feel (left is without dimming the lights, right is with dimming the lights!! fun to think about how firewatch did something similar but changing the fog color based on depth rather than literally dimming the lighting)

they also let different volumes have their own fog value, so if there was say a cave off in the distance, it could have less fog than the surrounding area for clarity & also made the fog look a bit more volumetric

and the other huge thing that helped was "portal cards" - not an official term but its what they called them, basically just quads they could stick in any place where they needed to make something "stick out", like a cave, or a hilltop that blended with the background too much. the card sampled the depth of objects behind it, and used that 0 to 1 value to map a color to it. and then the closer youd get to these cards, the more transparent theyd get, until youre right on top of it and you dont need the objects to stick out of the background anymore!! here you can see a Me, but very dark, and then i slide the card over it. the black and white is the camera depth of all objects behind the card, minus the depth of the card. and mapping that to a color makes me stick out way more than i was initially!! then as you swim closer to me, the card fades away, until you pass the card completely

these portal cards were also used to make the light beams poking out from the surface, theyre just animated a bit!! you can see how the portal cards affect the look of things in this frame breakdown

and one other thing thats pretty prominent that wasnt touched on in the talk is all the caustics on the ground, those little wobbly light things you see underwater. but those were probably? just added to every shader as a "add this caustics texture on top based on the with the texture mapped to the world x and z position and only if the object is facing up"

like this !

anyways thats all from me on abzu..!! really pretty game

[pokemenlovingmen]

Could I request some headcannons of the ScarVi boys with an agender s/o who struggles a lot with dissociation and stuff? Like maybe how they’d comfort them. Preferably it/its and nym/nyms pronouns please. I personally don’t like being seen as super human due to how often I dissociate if that gives any ideas for writing.

Hello~ so sorry for how long this took. Life has been. A lot. I don't know how much use of pronouns I'll have since I generally write in the second person but I'll do my best! I also have issues with dissociation, but not a lot, so I hope I represent things as best as I can for you. I know everyone's dissocciation manifests differently as well as what helps, some folks need to be put into a lot of activity while others need isolation for a bit, at least from my experience, so I just want to represent all I can. :)

Also if I left anyone out you were looking for please let me know! There's a lotta guys so I left out a few, you said "boys" so I went with the academy guys.

ScarVio Boys x Agender S/O Who Dissocciates!

Arven

🥪 - Arven is definitely a little confused when you first dissocciate around him. First he's worried it's something he did. Then he's worried you're sick or something. So he doesn't handle it super well the first time it happens. But once he realizes what's going on he falls into a rhythm.

🥪 - He's always incredibly communicative but tries to keep himself from grilling you with questions. He handles things with a fair bit of caution as he gradually gets a feel of what dissocciating looks like for you and what you need.

🥪 - Arven always has your back when it comes to your needs. He makes sure you're well-fed and hydrated. If you can't bring yourself to cook for yourself, of course he's going to be doing it for you. (And speaking from personal experience god wouldn't that be the best)

🥪 - Mabosstiff is always hanging out with you too. Sometimes Arven will help guide your hands through the Pokemon's long, coarse fur as a grounding device. Or if you need a lot of sensory input to help, he can also totally just let Mabosstiff jump on you and lick you half to death.

🥪 - He gets restless when there's not something he can do for you at all times and he needs to take time to learn sometimes the best thing he can do to help is just sit with you in silence. Though, occasionally, he'll ask if you'd feel better if he talks. He'd talk for hours if it meant helping bring you down to Earth.

Giacomo

🔈 - Music is one of the best grounding tools and you can bet your ass Giacomo is using every last bit of his musical knowledge and gear to help you.

🔈 - He gets you your own pair of custom headphones, whatever kind you want, one of those types that have noise cancelling you can switch on and off if you're dissocciating for reasons of being overwhelmed.

🔈 - He puts together all the very playlists of all your favorite songs, organized by vibe ofc.

🔈 - And if you need it he'd be happy to share an earbud with you if you need the one-on-one connection of listening to music together.

🔈 - If you're in a public space he's also very swift and on the spot with getting you somewhere calm to decompress.

🔈 - He doesn't really have many words for you, but he'll squeeze your hand and remind you with gentle touches that you're here, and so is he.

Atticus

🧵 - If talking helps guide you through dissocciation, he's probably the one for you. You ask, and he'll just sit next to you and wax poetry for hours. It can help if you're someone who just needs words or conversation, it doesn't matter what the content is.

🧵 - If what you need is a quiet place to come back down to earth he'll whisk you to the very best right away. He has some good spots he finds ideal for meditation that he finds would be ideal.

🧵 - Atticus has lots of little one-on-one activities he offers to do with you. He'll paint your nails, let you try things on or model for him, even just hold up a sleeve of one of his current projects for him to stitch.

🧵 - Or if you need him to just sit next to you in silence, he can do that too. Or if you need him completely gone he'll leave you alone for as long as you need. I think Atticus understands better than most what you might need and to be patient with you, and he never takes your distance personally if it needs to happen.

🧵 - He can also put together some kind of garment like a sweater or hoodie that's sensory-friendly and he will take every last one in your preferences into account. Colors, weight, length, especially material, if you ever make a request expect it to be followed to a T.

🧵 - No matter what it is, if there's one thing you can be sure of it's that Atticus will be patient.

[assorted-things]

My thoughts on the ending

This is probably going to be a bit rambling and disconnected, so bear with me...

(This got far longer than I meant it to be...)

Does anyone else feel that the Deserter is a reflection of the person Harry could have been, if he hadn't lost his memory? The bitterness and anger and inability to let go of the past remind me of a lot of things that the Ancient Reptilian Brain and the Limbic System say in the dream sequences... I think that Harry's amnesia is a gift, in a way - it allows Harry to eventually let go of the past and decide what kind of person he wants to be now. One of the first dream sequences shows Harry a vision of himself as the hanged man, and I think in a way the old Harry did die when he lost his memories. One of the reasons the game was so affecting emotionally to me is that you as the player are the one getting Harry to turn his life around, if that's how you choose to play it, because it really makes you feel involved and part of Harry's story. It's one of the reasons why I don't think the game would work well as a TV adaptation - I think it would really lose a lot of its emotional impact without your input. It really moved me that I could get Harry to go from screaming that he "doesn't want to be that kind of animal any more", to telling the Phasmid: "I'm glad to be me - an incredibly sensitive instrument".

I really love how the tone of the game manages to be somehow hopeless and hopeful at the same time. Maybe the world is doomed by the Pale, and the Revolution failed, and maybe Revachol is a shithole, but... you can find that there are things worth loving and saving in this broken world. You're subconscious tries so hard to convince you that it's all terrible and evil and that you should just give up and let the darkness take you, but all of your actions through the game can prove that voice wrong. It tells you you're not helping anyone, but depending on how you play the game, you are: you found Billie's husband, and even though he's dead, at least now she knows and won't have to wait forever for him to come home when he won't; Cuno has someone who actually listens to him and takes what he has to say seriously; you got Plaisance to bring Annette in from the cold; you stopped the mercenaries from killing as many people as they might otherwise have done (it went pretty badly in my playthrough, but I tried), and you gave Kim a friend. I love the message it seems to be trying to put across that even if the world is ultimately doomed, you can and should still try to find the good in it, and make a small part of it a better place. And maybe in the end it won't change anything, but the fact that you had hope enough to try matters. And maybe if enough people thought that way, they could change reality for the better - maybe there was a grain of truth in that infra-materialist stuff all along. Maybe it sounds corny, but I found it very touching.

This is... sort of where the Phasmid comes in for me, because everyone thought the existence of the Insulindan Phasmid was impossible, but because you believed in it enough, you were able to prove it was real. And if the Phasmid is real, then maybe other things that people thought were impossible can happen, too... It makes me feel very satisfied that I chose "SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN" when I painted that wall. It seems fitting.

I also love the fact that the Deserter being stuck in the past is literally killing him. And... he talks a big game about being the last real Communist or whatever, but in the end, how is he actually helping the working class by clinging to his bitterness and refusing to let go of what could have been, instead of trying to do something to help the people around him? Even though Harry is flawed, and on his own can't change the world, he's made a difference to the people around him, which is better than being consumed by bitterness and doing nothing at all.

In the end, I think for me one of the core themes of the game is faith/belief (not necessarily in a religious sense)... I think that something that really helps is Kim's belief in Harry. He's so kind to Harry, when he could just as easily write him off as a shambling alcoholic. I think Kim's faith in you makes you want to live up to what he thinks of you, so... I'm not sure how coherent I'm being here, but it's a bit like how Harry believing in the Phasmid lets him make it a definite reality - Kim's belief in Harry as a great detective, or someone who could be a great detective, makes Harry a better person, I think. (At least, that's my take on it - I got so attached to Kim as a character that I really wanted to make him proud of my version of Harry!) And in the end, his faith wasn't misplaced. Again, he can't change the world, and he's human and not a saint (much as Harry may think he is), but Kim choosing to be kind did make a difference, even if it was only to one man.

tl;dr This is going to sound unbearably pretentious, but if someone asked me if video games can be art, this is the game I'd point to and say "yes".

[fluentmoviequoter]

absolutely obsessed w ur victor vale work omg! could you write a one-shot where the reader goes to visit him in jail and he hasnt seen her in so long... please and thank you!

Absolutely!! So glad to hear you're enjoying my Vic stories! Thank you for the great request; I hope this is what you wanted! Please enjoy and let me know what you think. (PS, sorry for the wait.) 🤍

Warnings: angst to fluff, spoilers for Vicious. 2.1k+ words

Worth the Trouble

Victor Vale is an enigma. One moment, he’s staring at someone with an intensity that can kill and the next, he’s on the verge of smiling at a stupid joke. When he reads his parents’ books, editing them as he goes, nothing can break his focus unless you lay your fingertips on his arm. For a man who claims to hate touch and is the epitome of “not a people person,” Victor Vale seems to have no problem with you.

“You study too much,” you groan.

Victor glances up from his textbook, shaking his head at the sight of you. You agreed to join him in the library for a study session, and he is studying while you are upside down in the chair next to him, flipping a battered paperback in your hands. It’s his favourite book, and he knows you stole it after weeks of asking to borrow it, but the smile on your face when you told him about how shocked you were at the climax made it worth the trouble. And, just maybe, part of him has always known that you are worth the trouble.

“And you don’t study enough,” Victor finally replies.

“Maybe I should study more. It’s the only time I ever get to see you. No wonder you’re so pale, there isn’t any sun in your medical books, is there?”

Victor hums, flipping the page.

“Why do you let me come with you?” you inquire, pulling yourself up to sit backwards. “You have to know I plan to distract you the whole time.”

“I- I like spending time with you, I suppose,” Victor admits quietly, his eyes down. “You’re the only person here, anywhere, really, that is willing to spend time with me just to be around me.”

“Well, good thing you’re okay with it, because I’m not going anywhere,” you respond, flipping in the chair to read over Victor’s shoulder. “What are you reviewing?”

Victor struggles to answer, still unused to people being so close to him, but he likes it. Too much.

✯✯✯✯✯

You tap your fingers on the table, checking the time every few seconds. Victor is a lot of things, but late isn’t one of them. Sighing, you gather your things and leave, determined to find him. After knocking, your eyes widen, and you suppress a scream when Eli opens the door. He glances down, following your gaze to his bloody shirt before pulling you inside.

“What happened?” you ask, looking around the trashed room. “Where’s Victor?”

“On his way to jail,” Eli says, sliding a knife back into its place. “He tried to kill me.”

“Vic wouldn’t do that,” you argue, looking at the holes in Eli’s shirt.

“Well, I guess he changed. He stabbed me. Or he tried to.”

Someone knocks on the door, and Eli talks to the detective through it. The man asks for his shirt to be input as evidence, and Eli slips a different blood-splattered shirt through the door, staying behind it. He lied.

“What really happened?” you demand. “If Victor did do this, then you had to have done something first.”

“I didn’t do a thing,” Eli answers, stepping toward you with dark eyes and pinched brows. “He tried to stab me, so I shot him in the chest.”

You gasp as you step back, trying to put room between yourself and Eli. 

“Three times,” Eli adds with an innocent smile.

Victor had confided in you that Eli was never as innocent as he seemed. Never as… anything as he seemed to be more precise.

“If he tried to stab you, where are the marks? You can’t rip a shirt without leaving some kind of damage under,” you point out.

“I guess that’s for Victor to answer to. If he makes it, of course.”

You storm away from Eli and into Victor’s private area and find a few of his favourite things before shoving them into a bag. If Eli is so willing to kill Victor, you need to find and warn him, though he probably has an idea. Deep down, you know you’re trying to distract yourself from thinking about Victor bleeding out in an ambulance, handcuffed to a gurney.

“What are you planning to do?” Eli asks with a laugh, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. “Save him? You’re not a doctor, and you’re not a god.”

“I know that, Eli,” you snap, picking up Victor’s most recently edited book. “But I can bail him out.”

“Good luck with that,” Eli says as you walk by.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Eli ducks his chin, his face too close to yours as he looks into your eyes.

“You will never find him. Even if he survives, Victor Vale is as good as dead.”

“You’re wrong. You’re always wrong, Eli Cardale.”

Eli slaps the wall beside your head before someone knocks on the door.

“You better get that. The police may have more questions. You need the conviction, right?” you whisper.

Eli nods, watching you as he steps back. Once his back is to you, you rush back into Victor’s room and lock the door behind you. You know there are police at the front of the building, but the patch of grass outside his window is clear. So, you leave out of the window, planning to search every hospital and jail within a hundred miles. Finding Victor Vale is all that matters, and then you need to keep him as far from Eli as possible.

✯✯✯✯✯

Victor disappeared. Just like Eli said he would. You know that you should stop looking; it’s been a month, so if something had happened, you could find a record of it. Yet, there's no record of Victor Vale after enrolling at Lockland.

Letting go of Victor Vale isn’t easy. Something was happening before he left, something blooming between you, and now you will never know what that was or where it would have led. 

Determined to never give up on Victor, you switch tactics. Eli is trackable, and the internet is accessible from anywhere.

✯✯✯✯✯

After witnessing Eli kill yet another super-powered individual, you’re tired. It’s been years, and though you wouldn’t know by looking at Eli, time has taken its toll. Collapsing onto a bed in a hotel room, you pull your laptop to sit in front of you.

The last tab you visited is still open: a copy of the medical textbook Victor was reading the last time you saw him. Sleepless nights have been devoted to reminding yourself of Victor. By this point, you are something of an expert on the topic Victor was studying that day in the library.

“You made everything look so easy, Vic,” you whisper to the diagram on the screen. “But you never told me how to find someone who doesn’t want to be found.”

You’ve considered the possibility that Victor disappeared because he wanted to or that he died but no one cared enough to post a death certificate for a no-name college student, but it doesn’t feel right. Your connection to Victor was different, and you remain confident that you would feel a difference if something had changed.

Opening a new tab, you navigate to the national prison database and log in to your paid account. Victor’s name auto-fills after millions of searches, and as the results load, you pull a pillow to your chest. You miss Victor, need him, and he feels a million miles away.

1 Result

You throw the pillow away and scramble to sit up, pulling the computer onto your lap as you open the result. The connection is weak, so in the long moments, while it loads, you are stranded between hope and fear.

General population, previously incarcerated in solitary confinement.

All the words begin blurring together, only ‘general population’ on your mind. Typing in the name of the prison, you get directions. You risk losing Eli, but the whole point of following him is to find Victor, and your mission is nearly complete.

The bag of Victor’s possessions you collected years ago is stowed in the large backpack you travel with, and it’s the only thing you’re concerned about taking with you. Leaving the hotel, you put Eli in your rearview (for now) and drive faster than you should toward your favourite person. You only hope he’s half as excited to see you or, at the very least, remembers you.

✯✯✯✯✯

Those feelings you developed for Victor at Lockland are still present in you. As you near the prison, with the sun rising and visiting hours quickly approaching, you grow nervous. Yes, you’re excited, and you feel that familiar blossoming feeling deep in your chest, but there’s an underlying worry that Victor changed, moved on from you, or won’t want to see you and be reminded of his former life.

✯✯✯✯✯

“Vale, you’ve got a visitor,” the guard says. “Hands.”

Victor looks at Mitch before replying, “Nice joke. The warden must love you at game night.”

Mitch snorts, similarly convinced that he’s kidding or it’s a trap. The second option seems more likely, but Mitch knows Victor can handle himself.

“I’m not kidding, Vale. She’s signed in and waiting. Let’s go.”

Victor’s brows furrow, but he lets the guard shackle him before leading him through the cell block and to the visiting area. Sitting in front of the bulletproof glass, he determines that this is a trick or he’s dreaming. Either way, he likes the view just a little too much.

“Hey,” you whisper as Victor raises his end of the phone. “I’ve missed you.”

At the sound of your voice, Victor knows this is real. You smile, and Victor struggles to reply, his eyes searching every inch of your face. You’ve both aged, of course, but you think Victor looks pretty much the same, and he knows you somehow managed to get more attractive since college. The look in his eyes is the reply you wanted: that he missed you too. Your smile grows at his attention, but you have a lot of talking to do in a short amount of time.

“I’m sorry,” Victor blurts out.

“For what? This wasn’t your fault Vic.”

“I never should have gone back to see Eli or called Angie that night. This whole mess is on me.”

“It’s on Eli, and you know it,” you argue. “And he’s still just as bad. Now he’s ruining other peoples’ lives the way he ruined ours.”

“Ours?”

“Do you think I liked walking into a room covered with your blood and getting threatened by Eli?” you tease.

Victor’s jaw tightens, and you rush to promise that he didn’t do anything to you, just tried to get you to stay away.

“It didn’t work, though, I’ve been following him for years. His god-complex got worse when he became a vigilante.”

Victor’s sharp inhale is the closest you’ve ever gotten to a laugh, and it brings your smile back.

“You know,” you begin quietly, “I thought that something was happening between us before you got arrested.”

“Happening? Like what?”

You shrug. “There were a lot of emotions. You were closer to me than anyone.”

“It was the same for me.”

You whisper above the receiver so he can’t hear you. “I was falling in love with you. Still am.”

You failed to consider how closely he watches you, though, and the corner of his mouth twitches up as he reads your lips. He remembers his plan of breaking out with Mitch, finding Eli and finishing this fight. His journey for vengeance should not involve you, but now that you’ve walked back into his life, he realizes how much he needs you.

“We can never be together, no matter how we felt in college,” he says, his voice steady and emotionless. Your face drops, but he continues, “I’m going to be in prison for the rest of my life, but you have a whole world. So, just stop visiting and don’t bother writing. It’s easier this way.”

Your chest feels tight, and you can’t form any words to respond, so you nod slowly. You halt your movements when Victor smiles. Victor smiles. A telltale sign that he is lying. Other people, witnesses, are around, so you follow through with his act.

“Okay,” you say. “I’m sorry. I- I hope everything works out for you. I guess, maybe, I’ll see you when I see you.”

You stand and leave, feeling Victor’s eyes on you until you turn the corner. If he wants you to stay close, you will. One thing is certain for you and Victor: you will see each other again, and after Eli is taken care of, you will never leave his side again.

Victor knows you’ll stay close. You’ve always been close to Victor, even when you were miles away.

[risoria]

Dont know if that helps but there are people like me who use social media to unwind, and specifically filter out political content (i do this on tumblr in particular) because i engage in political work in my every day life. Tumblr is my stupid place to recharge. Insta is mixed. Some apps have specific purposes for me. Some of them help me stay informed but they also bring me down. People not engaging with content that they didnt follow the person for doesnt mean they dont care, if that helps. And some people are engaged in other struggles, and might not have the capacities to deal with stuff in other countries, especially if their country is not involved at all. There are many ongoing genocides and wars, meanwhile europe is shifting to the right significantly. Lots of work. Some people pick their battles. And many battles don't happen online.

thank you for your input, i value these conversations! for me personally, unfortunately they don't really help - im sorry, it's not your fault its just that we have different perspectives!

i’m the exact opposite because my previous work DID mentally destroy me completely because… no one really cared - about the suffering, and how abysmal the legislations and the actual realities were (the context is animal cruelty in the food industry but thats not the point, this goes for all politics because….. everything is politics!) - and coming to social media to unwind does help for a little WHILE, but at the end of the day i have to talk about the things weighing on me just to hear that i am not going crazy because other people feel them too… and those conversations with my small social circle and with strangers etc are more important in the long run, both for me and for our communities as a whole. You are absolutely right though that if we're being absolutely honest there are TOO many battles for any one individual to fight - so its a good thing that people do choose the ones they know the most about and that are closest to their heart. But it's also true and inescapable that people also use this as an excuse, "there's too many bad things :c" just to keep up the status quo.

I know this is different from your experience ofc! It was very kind of you to answer my ramblings btw - dont worry, i am fine now (the projects help a lot!), i’m just musing on the ironic fact that i personally dont want to post about insignificant things on my social media anymore simply because it’s too hard when they get engagement and the important posts do not. Again, i absolutely know this doesnt mean people don’t care, and sometimes people just miss posts - and also like you said, some people do their activism etc offline.

however… i’m sure you have also had the misfortune of trying to talk to anti-boycotters or rightwing politicians etc on for example twitter and thus know that shitty people exist everywhere and hearing mockery and dismissal Constantly is taxing for everyone. so when people ""choose to ignore"" things you cant actually tell if theyre just.... staying silent for whatever reason on their soc med (which is… one hell of a choice :))) and its not the right one. objectively) or if they actually don’t care at all - because how Can you know when people choose to stay silent through nine months of this?

also this is just a tangent, but there's also the fact that yes some people just do in fact simply not see the same posts on their timeline, but at the end of the day we all curate our own timelines and its Very free to look up the specific blogs you want to follow that raises awareness etc! again, this is with the assumption that you aren't an activist / work with politics or charities offline ofc, because not that many people do - i don't, for example, but my goal and dream is to start doing it but... i have to piece my brain back together first...

[ajcgames]

Rogues Gallery

Hey, you! It's been a while! What have I been up to, eh?

In short, a lot of time in Blender. There has been a pretty hefty list of things-to-model for the game. Most complex of these have been the machines you can place down in your factory.

But words are easy and talk is cheap, so let's dive right in with an absolute bumper update. Grab some snacks!

A veritable smörgåsbord of tinkertoys!

Let's run through them quickly, shall we?

Running down the left-hand side of the screen shot are the various mergers and splitter variants.

I didn't get too far into developing the game before I realised that having a splitter or merger force the user into one orientation (either left or right) was a terrible idea, and I made sure that both devices have a left and right variant. That should make belt organisation much easier!

Now let's get into the actual machines.

Extractor

The extractor is where it all starts. Feeding raw minerals in from the surface of the asteroid through the input ports. Send them somewhere!

Pulverizer

Mashes up your ores until they're unrecognisable. An essential first step for most ores before they can be processed further.

Analyzer

Science is the currency of the cosmos. Items can be funnelled into this machine to be analyzed, and science data accumulated. Your data can be processed into actual science points, but you'll only get data as good as the quality of the items you're throwing in here!

Collector

A large number-crunching supercomputer with the world's largest heatsink designed for one purpose - processing all that science data!

Recycler

Everyone accumulates a bunch of junk from time to time. Stop your belts from backing up and dump your excess into a recycler. Your waste will be shot into the sun at the earliest convenience!

Packager

Valuable items need to be shipped back to Earth, but you can't just throw a bunch of rocks into a rocket. Get them packaged up neatly in the packager before you send them off for export!

Exporter

The exporter provides you with the means to ship your deliveries back to Earth. Fill the pod with your items and it'll get launched via an electromagnetic delivery system. Hopefully someone will catch it at the other end!

Atomic Coupler

Bombards items with high-energy radiation, known to provoke strange changes in their material properties. With any luck, they'll be much less irradiated by the time they get back home.

Catalyzer

Provides special environmental conditions to change items into different forms. Not the fastest machine, don't let everything get backed up!

Centrifuge

Somebody once decided to spin things really fast in the name of science. The centrifuge gives you the opportunity to do the same for your factory! Toss some items in, spin 'em fast, watch what comes out.

Chemical Lab

Sometimes you just can't get the right items without a little bit of help from other parts of the periodic table. Subject items to a dip in the chemical tank to get some interesting new flavours out of the other side. Do not drink.

Enrichment Chamber

It looks like a rejected theme-park ride, and the safety of its contents are equally of dubious origin. However, the beneficial item-altering effects of this tumbling enigma cannot be argued.

Fusion Lab

Supercolliding superconductors were once all the rage. Until somebody minutarised one and now everybody has one. You're not cool unless you have one. At least that's what all the trendy kids are telling me. What is undeniable, however, is that items tend to come out of this machine more potent than ever.

Hydrator

Thanks to the large chunk of ice at the core of the asteroid, you're able to feed in water to your factory. Lay down some pipes and connect up this machine to use the power of good old H20 to help change and alter your items for new purposes. This machine is not a shower.

Kiln

Make things hot. Really hot. Then discover if you've reduced it to little more than a pile of ash, or something surprising and delightful.

It's probably going to be ash, though.

Small generator

Machine don't run on wishes and enthusiasm. They need good old-fashioned electricity. Yes, it's still cool - even in 2024. These machines will provide factory-wide power. Power lines are so 1884.

Large generator

Thankfully your factory is remotely managed, so nobody will have the urge to 'lick the battery', as it were. Especially given that this will provide a substantial power boost over the smaller generators. Give yourself some juice!

So there you go - a good look over what I've been up to recently! I am working on a number of UI improvements and updates, so hopefully I'll be able to share those soon.

I'm now fully in the phase of turning this into a final game. There's a lot of road still yet to go, but completing final models and such is a great way to 'see' progress happening, and helps build the enthusiasm to keep chugging away with the more menial tasks.

Anyways, that's all I have for today. As always, thank you so much if you stopped by to read my rambling development missive, and doubly so for any likes or comments you throw my way. It's really lovely to be able to share all of this with everyone.

Hopefully I'll see you all in the next one, and until then I hope you have a great one! ❤️

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #156

I finally decided to play some Elden Ring today. Made myself a nice little character and everything. Though admittedly, that part took a while, because the little sliders that let you adjust certain aspects of your character's face also adjust unrelated aspects of your character's face whenever you move them. It's a very strange thing to be adjusting the slider for the eyes, only to discover that random parts of the chin are changing, too. Very bizarre. Very disconcerting.

Well, it's whatever. In the end, I basically put all the sliders in the middle, and the results weren't hideous, so I left it at that. It's good enough!!! My character is very cute!!! I decided it!!!

I had almost forgotten that at the beginning, you have to try to face a relatively higher-level enemy right off the bat:

This enemy is called a "Grafted Scion", and boy howdy, it does an AMAZING impression of a food processor; it's very impressive - it must have practiced a lot! The only problem is that it's trying to do this in my general direction, and sometimes it even yells at me, too, which is SUPER rude! And I can't exactly talk to it or try to reason with it, and "smoothie" isn't on my list of future career aspirations, so my only choice, sadly, is to hit it until it stops thinking that I'd be a healthy snack if only I'm blended with a little kale or whatever.

But there's a problem with that, see. It only takes one hit, maybe two hits if I'm lucky, for my character to go down. And this thing will probably need to be hit dozens of times, at least, before it stops actively trying to be bad for my health. And… I haven't played this game in a while. My skills are very rusty, and I'm finding that I have to readjust myself to the lag between when I push a button and when the character does the thing the button tells it to do. It's a notable amount of lag, and so sometimes I end up thinking I pushed the wrong button, so I try a different one, and it seems to queue inputs at least a little, so… yeah. I'm kind of a mess right now, hahaha!

To be sure, technically you're not supposed to win this fight - it's kind of like the Unspeakable Deep in Salt and Sanctuary that way. When you fall to this enemy, you get whisked away to this underground tomb-like place and then you wake up. But this Grafted Scion is standing between me and the door beyond, and I wanna see what's in that door without getting whisked away to some weird hole in the ground, and for some reason, I can't just walk up to it and politely ask it to let me through the door, so… I've needed to start new games every time I get pureed, because for this enemy, the game won't just let you try again from where you fell, which is kinda lame.

But that's all right. I'm a patient little nugget when I have my mind set on something. I've decided that this Grafted Scion doesn't get to push me around and get all up on my case just because I'm lost and wandering around, so I'll just keep trying again until I gain the skills to put a stop to its entirely unreasonable shenanigans. Why? Because I've got boundary skills, muthafuckaz (at least in certain limited contexts; I'm working on it)!!!

I can try as many times as I like. All I have to do is practice, and I only need to succeed once. Truly, it is the Grafted Scion who is the one in trouble here, because this entity will not grow and change, and as long as that holds true, this entity will have to face me - an opponent that slowly, but surely, gets stronger every time I fall. Eventually, this entity will fall to me, though not permanently; death is not really a thing in this world, so if I knock this entity's ass out, it's mostly just an inconvenient and very temporary setback, because the entity will reconstitute itself and come back, same as the zombies in Salt and Sanctuary. It's kind of like putting them in "time-out", in a sense - "If you cannot keep your hands to yourself while I am in this space, then in order to keep myself safe, I will have to place you temporarily in a spot where you cannot hurt me, until I am all done here, or until you become willing to control yourself - your choice." Or something to that effect.

…And at that, it's only like this because I, as the player, am not given the power to try to speak to this entity or reason with it. To be sure, I'd much rather sit and listen to this entity talk about their life experiences over tea. They're VERY good with sharp objects, so, ya know, I gotta wonder how they became so skilled. What is it like to see through their eyes? And maybe if they weren't so busy being invariably hostile towards random passers-by, they could maybe learn to cook instead? I mean, heck, you can't imagine what I would give to have that kind of precision with my hands; I could cut SO MANY paper-thin slices of onions and tomatoes and cucumbers and put them on SO MANY epic sandwiches…!!!

And yes, I'm more than aware that this entity does not look like a more typical living thing. I understand that this entity went through a lot of painful, horrible stuff to become this way, and it's not my intention to invalidate that struggle. But… ya know? I played Undertale. I've seen the results of Alphys's and Asgore's terrible experiments. And I know that just because something looks different doesn't mean there's no possibility for reintegration back into the community, as long as there's adequate support. I don't understand why people look down on things based on their appearance. I don't understand why this entity should be treated as though it's lesser just because it doesn't look the same as us, or just because it went through an ordeal, or just because it's maybe not quite human anymore.

…Thinking about this, I am reminded of another adversary in the game. These ones are called Chanting Winged Dames, and they look like this:

And, oh, Sephiroth, they can fly!! And they can sing!! And their voices are so, so, so pretty - look:

…Really, I'd love nothing more than to cut away the barbed wire around their legs; it looks so painful. I'd love to sit and listen to their songs. I can see the shiny trinkets they wear, and I want to bring them whatever shiny trinkets I'm not using, if it strikes their fancy. I really don't want to hurt them. But this game leaves me with no option to speak, and if they see that I am nearby, listening to their song, they immediately try to tear my head off, and they won't stop trying to tear my head off until they aren't moving anymore, and… I guess I find it really sad.

Truth be told, this whole game is really sad. There are 6 different endings, and some of those endings are certainly better than others, but none of them seem to leave the peoples that inhabit this world wholly safe, happy, and free. One ending would destroy everything. One ending would see everything locked in eternal suffering. One ending would restore the status quo, but the status quo is deeply flawed. One would restore the status quo, minus some discrimination. Then the "best" two endings… one ushers in an age of prosperity, at the expense of free will. And one ushers in an age of free will, at the expense of things such as comfort and joy. As of yet, there is no ending that offers comfort, prosperity, joy, and free will to all.

Suppose that's why I never finished the game back when I used to play it more regularly; I don't feel qualified to make that choice on behalf of everyone. So mostly I just wander around, trying to ease suffering for the various NPCs as I can. Suppose I'm a little unusual in that my "super secret big bad power fantasy" is… to be able to help everyone. To be able to ensure that everyone can live without suffering. And I suppose when I can't do that, I get discouraged really easily.

…Suppose it's why I never finished Breath of the Wild or Tears of the Kingdom, either. The person doing all the bad things was born to a people who have exceedingly slim odds of bearing male children. These people look down on men as inferior and untrustworthy. And… this person was born as a male into this culture. He was made ruler, but that does not erase the psychological damage that comes with watching how disdainfully the people he loves treat others with his same genitalia.

The mechanics of being put in a "golden child" position are similarly damaging because it forces a child (who neither has the power to change anything nor the skills to cope) to bear the cognitive dissonance of watching someone who is the same as them get denigrated while they themselves practically get worshipped. This usually produces a sense of guilt about the fact they're being treated well while someone else is not, as well as shame about who they are as a person (because they watch someone who is mostly the same as them get treated like dogshit), but they won't know how to articulate it or talk about it, and even if they could, they'd likely lose the approval of the capricious people upon whom they depend to continue to live as a result. And, as you might expect, the result of losing their approval is, usually, getting abused.

So from here, the only choice is to do whatever they can to shove away their feelings of guilt and shame, while also doing whatever they can to justify the abuse of the person who is similar to them. And for a young child whose sole source guidance is someone who is cruel, the best available method of coping, because it kills two birds with one stone and brains prioritize efficiency, is usually clinging desperately to "I'm superior" as a notion, no matter how false they know such an assertion is deep down. The subconscious knowing that it is false produces terror and hostility whenever the notion is challenged, simply because if the notion is false, then why shouldn't they be treated just as poorly as the other person? And being treated just as poorly as what they've witnessed is, naturally, terrifying.

So essentially, in Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom, a person with a subconscious sense of shame and inferiority (which he tried to cover with arrogance and hostility, as is typical…) was put into a position of power, and in a desperate bid to fill that void and prove his worthiness, he waged war on everyone and everything. I don't want to destroy someone who really just needs lots of super intensive therapy while being confined in a space where he will be safe, cared for, and unable to hurt anybody. So I play up until just before the end and do all the quests I can, and then… that's basically it. Like I keep saying, the compassion I have for others doesn't stop at you. I don't know what to do in most cases because I am not very smart, but the right answer certainly isn't destruction, because if it was, then every world would already be peaceful by now.

The world I live in is complicated and messy. It's a lot of traumatized or otherwise unwell people running around, not really knowing what they're doing, trying to fill the sense of emptiness tugging at their hearts with whatever works in the moment, while also trying hard not to traumatize other people, and… results are always mixed at best. Everyone is running around with struggles that other people know nothing about. And that's why I think there's no such thing as "monsters" or "evil people". There are certainly "evil" and "monstrous" words and deeds, but these are the result of dealing with genetics that limit their skills, or living a life that has left them bereft of the skills they need to succeed, NOT the result of inherent badness of character.

I believe that everyone can be helped, even if my world has not yet built the infrastructure that would make it possible at this time. Because, for sure, the kind of help that some folks need is along the lines of "being reparented basically from scratch in a safe, loving, and supportive environment", and… for whatever reason, there are currently no facilities that offer this, and I don't have the money or manpower it would require to build one and staff it with kind and caring experts in the required fields. It's frustrating as hell.

…Fwhoof. Suppose I've prattled on long enough. Guess you can tell I'm a little better rested, because I surely had a huge case of galaxy brain going on here, haha… As always, thanks for listening…

I'll write again tomorrow, okay? So stay safe out there. I love you.

Your friend, Lumine

[go-to-the-mirror]

right, it's reflection tma time!! like the level in celeste! uh gosh i can't think of anything silly and goofy

@a-mag-a-day

y'all know the drill, rambling, maybe good words, enjoy

wow, i said a lot less than i was expecting to

Before we start: fear soup.

I guess I technically have the power to make it not quiet, to, to talk to people, but like- you know, I, I also have the power to clean out the fridge, and it’s still a mess. It’s not that I don’t want to clean the fridge, it’s just- Some things are just hard.

Analogy for depression!! It really is, like. I dunno, it's a lot easier to self isolate, especially when you haven't been talking to people for a while. Not talking to your friends for months and then having none because it's easier to just... not talk to anyone! Can relate.

It's hard, you know, because people are tiring and there's the anxiety from not talking to them in months and it's just... yeah. Some things are just hard. I want to give him a hug. I want him to have nice things.

How much do I actually care, and how much is just feeling that I should care?

HE'S JUST LIKE ME FR!!

I just think that Martin's transition from person who does care, to person who doesn't care like he's supposed to and wants to - really wants to - but it all feels like a lie. People are hard.

Gertrude. I wanted your opinion on an encounter I’ve had described to me, and given your recent dealing with Viscera, I would very much value your input. Good job on that, by the way. I’m sure the gnostic temple was a great loss culturally speaking, but I can’t help but admire your directness when it comes to this sort of thing.

Interesting. Adelard Dekkar calls it (The Flesh) Viscera. I really like the alternate names for them, and you know what, I'm going to go out on a limb and say maybe the different names can mean slightly different aspects.

It Knows You feels more like something watching, something knowing, rather than you watching and knowing, it feels more sentient. There is an it, rather than just the Ceaseless Watcher, watching without seeing, without comprehension. The Mother of Puppets feels like it has more agency than just The Web, like characterising it as a someone, made it so it could be a someone.

It's like that thing in Discworld, where a god's power depends on people believing in them - and in this case fearing them. The form of the fears is what people believe to be the form of the fears.

It’s a little too out-of-the-way to be a common destination for teenage delinquency, but has become, I’m told, quite popular with what can be described as ’rural urban exploration groups.’

You should absolutely under no circumstance become an urban explorer if you live in the TMA universe. You will die or have a supernatural encounter. That's literally- that's going to happen.

He was very interested in the Hall of Mirrors. According to him, if it was still in good shape, it would have been an amazing place to put on a light show, and have his guests dance their way through the maze. Sounds like a good way to get injured to me, but apparently I used the word ’rave’ wrong, so what do I know?

Aszjdfxsahfhja I love Adelard Dekkar

As she knocked one from its perch, her face contorted into a grimace of joy, and the wizened carnie hobbled over to one of the buckets and handed her a tiny bone. Without hesitation, she snapped it cleanly in half and started desperately gnawing at the broken end, trying to reach whatever scant marrow might have remained inside. Our lost young friend felt his stomach turn. He told me he was a good fifteen feet away, but could still hear the sounds of her desperate hunger over the rides all around.

Oh, right, The Extinction is also... this. Every one of the people starving to death.

I don't think The Extinction is that new, but every time I try to explain it, I worry I'm going to say something wrong, but yeah.

My first assumption would have been the Flesh, based on the cannibalism and strangeness of the bodies involved, but- something about this idea of some sort of famine world, its location within a man-made ruin, the whole… societal aspect of it- I’d be inclined to chalk this up as a genuine Extinction manifestation.

I feel like it's got to be the Extinction. I mean, soup, but it doesn't... feel like Flesh. Flesh feels more... I don't know. It feels different. There isn't enough body horror for it to be flesh /hj

No but it just... what is the fear here? Of being eaten? Of the hunger in their eyes? Of that place? Of the thing following him? I feel like it's just... case by case basis, what is this, you know?

A lot of these really don't fit in neatly to little categorisations, you know. They're intrinsically linked. What is the fear of being trapped under infinite amounts of dirt, with that fear of the infinite amount of dirt? You can't have a colour wheel with only red. They spread out in all directions, overlap so you can never get something pure and distilled. They are only separate because people believe it's separate, and then they're not... what is the fear of someone or something manipulating you without the fear that they know you, they know exactly how to push your buttons.

PETER How does that make you feel? [The static in the background adopts a bit more bass than usual, and the high-pitched scream-like tones increase in volume as well.] MARTIN Nothing. (Short laugh) Nothing at all. PETER Excellent. I’m so proud of you, Martin. MARTIN I really don’t care.

Oh, Martin...

I just... :( sad

[branwendaughterofllyr]

Branwen reads ASOIAF (again) - AGOT Catelyn II

Of all the rooms in Winterfell’s Great Keep, Catelyn’s bedchambers were the hottest.

They’re pretty warm too!

Ba-dum-ching!

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here until TWOW is released. 

Listen, if George can indulge in his inner 12 year old boy all the time, I can too.

We also learn a lot more about WF in this chapter, and we all know I live for WF lore. 

The castle had been built over natural hot springs, and the scalding waters rushed through its walls and chambers like blood through a man’s body, driving the chill from the stone halls, filling the glass gardens with a moist warmth, keeping the earth from freezing. Open pools smoked day and night in a dozen small courtyards. That was a little thing, in summer; in winter, it was the difference between life and death.

WF has an internal heating system that basically keeps the castle functional during winter. How interesting. I wonder if this will at all be relevant when winter comes. Also LOVE the description of WF being a body, with the hot spring waters beings its warm lifesblood. (also explains how the glass gardens work. Sorry Jonny boy, not sure if this would work at the Wall as well.)

Catelyn’s bath was always hot and steaming, and her walls warm to the touch. The warmth reminded her of Riverrun, of days in the sun with Lysa and Edmure, but Ned could never abide the heat. The Starks were made for the cold, he would tell her, and she would laugh and tell him in that case they had certainly built their castle in the wrong place.

Aw. Ned and Cat banter. Adorable. But I love how Catelyn really has been able to make WF her home in so many small ways, like having hot bathes and warm rooms, which all remind her of her childhood (notice LF doesn’t make the childhood memory reminiscence lol). And Ned thinking its too hot, but taking the teasing from Cat so well. (also the Starks choosing a super hot location to build their castle. HMMMMM. Feels relevant to more than just the terrible winters. I know people have already said this, but it’s important!).

So when they had finished, Ned rolled off and climbed from her bed, as he had a thousand times before. He crossed the room, pulled back the heavy tapestries, and threw open the high narrow windows one by one, letting the night air into the chamber. The wind swirled around him as he stood facing the dark, naked and empty-handed.

I CANNOT believe that Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North, habitually stands butt naked in an open window after having sex with his wife. Everyone in WF knows a little too much about Ned, methinks. 

He looked somehow smaller and more vulnerable, like the youth she had wed in the sept at Riverrun, fifteen long years gone.

I will never be over NedCat, thank you very much. 

Her loins still ached from the urgency of his lovemaking. It was a good ache. She could feel his seed within her. She prayed that it might quicken there. It had been three years since Rickon. She was not too old. She could give him another son.

Just let them be happy with their babies!

Okay, now we’re going to get into the political discussion, which has a major chunk of the fandom convinced that Catelyn is an evil conniving bitch, whose ambition killed Ned. (no, I’m not even exaggerating a little.) Personally, I think that it’s an important moment that characterizes Cat as very politically astute, and the Race for Iron Throne guy agrees with me, which is always nice. What does the text actually give us?

“I will refuse him,” Ned said as he turned back to her. His eyes were haunted, his voice thick with doubt.

Ned is already strongly considering turning down Robert’s offer, but it’s clear from this description that he’s not sure if this is the right choice. He’s haunted by this decision, and he isn’t hiding the fact that he’s very unsure. There’s a reason why he's asking Cat. Not only are they a team, he also trusts her input. Saying he needed to talk to her was more than just an excuse to put off Robert, Ned really did need to talk to Catelyn, and he’s clearly not afraid to show just how vulnerable and unsure he is to here. This is one of the moments that really cements how strong their marriage is. Okay, so here is Cat’s reaction. 

Catelyn sat up in the bed. “You cannot. You must not.”

Cat’s immediate reaction is “that is a bad idea.” She physically reacts because Ned refusing Robert could have really bad consequences down the road for them all, and she’s going to argue this case ion just a moment. 

“My duties are here in the north. I have no wish to be Robert’s Hand.” “He will not understand that. He is a king now, and kings are not like other men. If you refuse to serve him, he will wonder why, and sooner or later he will begin to suspect that you oppose him. Can’t you see the danger that would put us in?”

Once again, we are seeing the idea that power changes a person, usually in the context of kingship, which is about as powerful as you can ever be in Westeros. And Cat is clearly no such when it comes to past relationships between kings and the people who turned them down. It’s a great way to breed suspicion. 

Ned shook his head, refusing to believe. “Robert would never harm me or any of mine. We were closer than brothers. He loves me. If I refuse him, he will roar and curse and bluster, and in a week we will laugh about it together. I know the man!” 

“You knew the man,” she said. “The king is a stranger to you.” Catelyn remembered the direwolf dead in the snow, the broken antler lodged deep in her throat. She had to make him see. “Pride is everything to a king, my lord. Robert came all this way to see you, to bring you these great honors, you cannot throw them back in his face.”

Ned’s stance is that Robert is still his friend and would never do anything to hurt him, which is probably largely true. But we have seen in the past that their relationship is from unshakable, and the only reason they made up after Robert giving Tywin the pass on war crimes was because Lyanna died (and also there’s a reason why you hid Jon’s parentage so well, Ned. You know why.) And we see in a few chapters the absolute fight Ned and Robert get in over the assassination of Daenerys that could easily gone south. And part of the problem is that Robert is usually extremely far way from Ned, so they won’t be able to physically reconcile if Robert is busy brooding in KL, with all the Lannisters around him after he leaves the North. But Ned is probably right that Robert wouldn’t be as bad if it was someone else turning him down, but he’s still probably going to be pissed, and we all know that Robert had ego issues and likes to hold grudges. 

Which leads to Cat’s point that this would be an affront to Robert’s kingly pride, which gets played on a lot by other people, with various degrees of success. Think Cersei trying to get her direwolf skin. And if Robert has made it known he was going to ask Ned and Ned turns him down, it is going to be embarrassing for Robert. And also Cat is still freaked out over the very obvious omen but knows that won’t sway Ned so she keeps it to herself.

“Honors?” Ned laughed bitterly. 

“In his eyes, yes,” she said. “And in yours?” 

“And in mine,” she blazed, angry now. Why couldn’t he see? “He offers his own son in marriage to our daughter, what else would you call that? Sansa might someday be queen. Her sons could rule from the Wall to the mountains of Dorne. What is so wrong with that?”

 “Gods, Catelyn, Sansa is only eleven,” Ned said. “And Joffrey … Joffrey is …” 

She finished for him. “… crown prince, and heir to the Iron Throne. And I was only twelve when my father promised me to your brother Brandon.”

Oh boy. Let’s try to break this down. A consistent thing throughout this conversation is that Cat is trying to get Ned to see why she’s so concerned about this offer and why she so strongly disagrees with him. We see later that Ned has severe blindspots in several areas, and it’s really interesting to note the way the text goes out of its way to show Catelyn making Ned “see” what's really happening around him. Ned’s not stupid, but he has weaknesses that he needs Cat to compensate for, and vice versa. We make lots of jokes about Cat being consigliere of the North, but she really, really is. Ned at his core is a very trusting person that expects basic decency from other people, while Cat is much more able to see right through them (something which is very clearly inherited by Arya.)

And the marriage between Sansa and Joffrey. Ned, my love, in this world children are very much dynastic tools, and I think one of the people who are most aware of this is sitting right in front of you, so I think Cat probably has considered this quite deeply. Catelyn wants Sansa to be the next queen because not only is that the most secure/powerful position she can ever hope for for one of her daughters, it also means that the Starks will be permanently tied to the big power of their world and thus probably safer. There’s a reason why marrying your daughter off to the throne is such an important move to make. Catelyn is clearly thinking long term about this, planning out to her grandchildren’s futures. Ned is stuck on the fact that Sansa is eleven, and while he is VERY correct she’s not at all ready to be married off, she won’t be eleven forever, and a betrothal is far from out the question. Cat was twelve herself, and we see a lot of various other characters betrothed very young throughout the series. Why are none of your kids betrothed yet, Ned? Robb at the very least is old enough that you should start poking around. 

And also, picking your daughter to marry the crown prince is ABSOLUTELY a major honor, and I think Robert would be extremely prickly if you turned this down, what with his Lyanna baggage. Tread carefully here, Ned. 

Also, is this the first hint of Ned realizing that Joffrey is a psychopath and probably should not be allowed to marry his daughter? because if that's the case, maybe say something to Catelyn? She’d probably be more on your side if she thought Joffrey would be dangerous to Sansa, especially since husbands are allowed to do everything short of murder to their wives. (also, love me some queen Sansa foreshadowing. We all know that she won’t be Joffrey’s queen. 👸)

That brought a bitter twist to Ned’s mouth. “Brandon. Yes. Brandon would know what to do. He always did. It was all meant for Brandon. You, Winterfell, everything. He was born to be a King’s Hand and a father to queens. I never asked for this cup to pass to me.” “Perhaps not,” Catelyn said, “but Brandon is dead, and the cup has passed, and you must drink from it, like it or not.”

Oof. Now we can see what this is really about. Ned has really never (and understandably so) gotten over what happened to his family, and he has one of the most massive cases of survivor’s guilt ever to grace literature. And it seems like he and Cat have had this conversation before, which is why Cat is being a little short with him. They've been married for over a decade now, and have five children together. He has no reason to feel insecure in their relationship, but the past is always going to hang over both of them. Brandon and Jon’s mother in particular are always going to be there in the background. Oh shit, I forgot that the narrative straight up says this in the next paragraph 😂.

Catelyn softened then, to see his pain. Eddard Stark had married her in Brandon’s place, as custom decreed, but the shadow of his dead brother still lay between them, as did the other, the shadow of the woman he would not name, the woman who had borne him his bastard son.

I am very smart. 

But I love the way that past constantly overlays the present in ASOIAF, its impossible for the characters to escape no matter how hard they try. (also, the connection between Brandon and Jon’s mother, though unintentional by Cat is... excellent. It’s always his family hanging over Ned, dead Starks.)

Also, a younger son drinking from a cup meant for his older brother sounds like some light foreshadowing for Jon and Bran inheriting what was meant for Robb when he dies. And the bitterness screams Jon to me, lol.

She was about to go to him when the knock came at the door, loud and unexpected. Ned turned, frowning. “What is it?” Desmond’s voice came through the door. “My lord, Maester Luwin is without and begs urgent audience.”

Way to clamjam, Luwin! Could you not have waited like half an hour for Ned and Cat to have emotional married sex???? 

The maester was a small grey man. His eyes were grey, and quick, and saw much. His hair was grey, what little the years had left him. His robe was grey wool, trimmed with white fur, the Stark colors. Its great floppy sleeves had pockets hidden inside. Luwin was always tucking things into those sleeves and producing other things from them: books, messages, strange artifacts, toys for the children. With all he kept hidden in his sleeves, Catelyn was surprised that Maester Luwin could lift his arms at all.

Alright, let’s take a look at Maester Luwin for the first time. Overwhelmingly grey, which suggests Stark loyalist right off the bat. But also, “his eyes were grey, and quick, and saw much.” feels very close to Jon. Possible connections include: diehard loyalty to the Starks, often underestimated, sworn to a celibate order? May not be that intentional, unlike the Waymar Royce description which was almost identical, but something that I picked up. 

Also, I love Luwin and his sleeve pockets. I want them so badly. (also, he’s literally hiding something up his sleeve!!!!!!!)

The maester waited until the door had closed behind him before he spoke.

With this one move, Luwin proves himself to be smarter than half the characters  in the books. 

We move into the Agatha Christie section of the book which is very funny to me because it has a lot of early installment weirdness in it that will never be seen again. 

I have been left a message.” Ned looked irritated. “Been left? By whom? Has there been a rider? I was not told.” “There was no rider, my lord. Only a carved wooden box, left on a table in my observatory while I napped. My servants saw no one, but it must have been brought by someone in the king’s party. We have had no other visitors from the south.”

I don’t care that much who actually brought the box, though I’m sure there are entire reddit threads devoted to it, but I think the important detail is that WF is not that hard to sneak through. The implication that it must be someone in the king’s party is also probably an early hint that LF’s fingerprints are all over this, since Lysa is already in the Eyrie. But no one will think about this, and we won’t get payoff until Sansa gets all the tea dropped on her three books from now.

The box contains a a myrish lens, and it turns out that Cat and Luwin have not been inviting Ned to the escape room parties they have on Thursdays nights, and they have to walk Ned through to the clue, that there’s something else they need to look for. 

“What is it that they would have us see more clearly?” “The very thing I asked myself.” Maester Luwin drew a tightly rolled paper out of his sleeve. “I found the true message concealed within a false bottom when I dismantled the box the lens had come in, but it is not for my eyes.” Ned held out his hand. “Let me have it, then.” Luwin did not stir. “Pardons, my lord. The message is not for you either. It is marked for the eyes of the Lady Catelyn, and her alone. May I approach?”

It’s a secret message... for Catelyn! Also, love Luwin diligently enforcing mail privacy laws. 

I know that there’s a not small contingent that firmly believes that Luwin and Catelyn conspired to trick Ned into going south for... political gain, I guess, which only gets funnier to me over time, especially post ASOS. Have they considered that Luwin and Cat are actually just really good friends, and that most of WF likes and trusts each other? No, impossible, Catelyn is the source of all evil, and Sansa has learned to be the worst character at her mother’s knee. It is known. 

“What is it? My lady, you’re shaking.” “I’m afraid,” she admitted. She reached out and took the letter in trembling hands. The furs dropped away from her nakedness, forgotten. In the blue wax was the moon-and-falcon seal of House Arryn. “It’s from Lysa.” Catelyn looked at her husband. “It will not make us glad,” she told him. “There is grief in this message, Ned. I can feel it.”

I doubt that any mail from Lysa is ever that fun even in the best of times. Catelyn knows that this is going to be very, very bad. 

“Lysa took no chances. When we were girls together, we had a private language, she and I.” “Can you read it?” “Yes,” Catelyn admitted.

AND THIS WILL NEVER COME UP AGAIN. Ding ding ding, early installment weirdness strikes again. 

Okay, Catelyn gets up butt naked across the room and makes everyone wildly uncomfortable in a scene that is very funny to me personally.  Also, she says that Maester Luwin delivered all her children, but we also know that Robb was born at Riverrun. Is Luwin originally from the south? Did he come North with Cat? Is this a character detail or just early installment weirdness? Idk, I’m sure someone somewhere knows the actual answer, but it is not me. 

Catelyn immediately burns the letter after reading it, which freaks Ned out because “wtf was in that letter?????” The answer? Treason!!!!! (and the Catelyn conspiracy theorists will say that the letter actually said something different and Cat burned it so Ned couldn’t see it which makes NO SENSE)

“Lysa says Jon Arryn was murdered.” His fingers tightened on her arm. “By whom?” “The Lannisters,” she told him. “The queen.” Ned released his hold on her arm. There were deep red marks on her skin. “Gods,” he whispered. His voice was hoarse. “Your sister is sick with grief. She cannot know what she is saying.”

And there was no saving anyone from this point onwards. Everyone is irrevocably fucked. 

“She knows,” Catelyn said. “Lysa is impulsive, yes, but this message was carefully planned, cleverly hidden. She knew it meant death if her letter fell into the wrong hands. To risk so much, she must have had more than mere suspicion.”

Sounds to me that someone other than Lysa may have been involved with this letter. HMMMMM.

Catelyn looked to her husband. “Now we truly have no choice. You must be Robert’s Hand. You must go south with him and learn the truth.” She saw at once that Ned had reached a very different conclusion. “The only truths I know are here. The south is a nest of adders I would do better to avoid.”

Cat, Ned, I love you both, but I’m not sure if Ned’s really qualified to become an amateur detective in a place with ridiculously high stakes. Ned might be right that it could be better to stay in the North and ride shit out. There’s a nonzero chance KL is just going to self-implode. But I guess Cat has a point that they should probably be proactive. 

Luwin plucked at his chain collar where it had chafed the soft skin of his throat. “The Hand of the King has great power, my lord. Power to find the truth of Lord Arryn’s death, to bring his killers to the king’s justice. Power to protect Lady Arryn and her son, if the worst be true.” Ned glanced helplessly around

AH, chafing collar motif! Service as a source of discomfort! One of my favorite little details that will come up again and again. The in world metaphor of maester’s chains is one of my all time favorites.

But also, while Luwin is correct, I feel like we’re overestimating Ned and underestimating the Lannisters. As far as you know, they killed the previous hand of the king, and are probably willing to go for round two. 

Ned glanced helplessly around the bedchamber. Catelyn’s heart went out to him, but she knew she could not take him in her arms just then. First the victory must be won, for her children’s sake.

Once again, Catelyn is very much a political animal in a way that Ned never was, and a lot of people hate for it, but when it comes down to it, Cat is a mama wolf out to protect her family. And I think it’s very clear in Cat’s pov, that as it stands, the Lannisters are gaining more and more power and aren’t afraid to fuck any of their rivals up, which include the Starks. If she wants to make sure her kids don’t get knives in their backs five, ten years down the road, they gotta act soon before it’s too late entirely. Who knows how Robert will feel about Ned if he goes back after Ned turns him down? Who knows if Robert will even still be alive next year? Better to play what they have now before they lose it. (and yeah, she is more than a little manipulative but she’s a woman without any power in her own right???? She has to go through the men in her life???? It’s called soft power, look it up. It’s what queens and ladies have doing for like two thousand years.)

“The Others take both of you,” Ned muttered darkly. He turned away from them and went to the window. She did not speak, nor did the maester.

Poor Ned. I think he can tell he’s absolutely fucked. 

And the best bit of descriptive writing this chapter goes to sad Ned who’s trying not to cry.

They waited, quiet, while Eddard Stark said a silent farewell to the home he loved. When he turned away from the window at last, his voice was tired and full of melancholy, and moisture glittered faintly in the corners of his eyes.

*sniff sniff* I’m not crying, you’re crying!

“My father went south once, to answer the summons of a king. He never came home again.” “A different time,” Maester Luwin said. “A different king.”

I know that you know that Robert is no Aerys but there is a 99% chance that this line will be said again when another Stark contemplates going south to meet with another Targaryen. Just saying. 

“Catelyn, you shall stay here in Winterfell.” His words were like an icy draft through her heart. “No,” she said, suddenly afraid. Was this to be her punishment? Never to see his face again, nor to feel his arms around her?

Say what you will, but there is no doubt that Catelyn truly loved Ned. And though this is very clear death foreshadowing for Ned, and for Lady Stoneheart,  I think that Catelyn was not entirely prepared for the consequences of Ned basically moving to the south for probably the next decade without her. But also, you were always going to have to stay, Catelyn? Did you not realize it or were you just in denial?

“Yes,” Ned said, in words that would brook no argument. “You must govern the north in my stead, while I run Robert’s errands. There must always be a Stark in Winterfell. Robb is fourteen. Soon enough, he will be a man grown. He must learn to rule, and I will not be here for him. Make him part of your councils. He must be ready when his time comes.” “Gods will, not for many years,” Maester Luwin murmured.

EVERYONE HAS GOT TO STOP FORESHADOWING NED’S DEATH. I DO NOT LIKE IT.

Ned was never going to make it out of the book alive with all of this very helpful foreshadowing. 

Also, I’m going to say that 14 year old Robb does not in fact turn out to be ready to rule, but hey. You tried. 

“Maester Luwin, I trust you as I would my own blood. Give my wife your voice in all things great and small. Teach my son the things he needs to know. Winter is coming.” Maester Luwin nodded gravely.

Tears are just weakness leavening the body. I’M FINE.

But Luwin really did remain loyal to the end. He really did.

Then silence fell, until Catelyn found her courage and asked the question whose answer she most dreaded. “What of the other children?”

Oh, Cat. All your babies are going off and you can’t do anything because its the best course of action. 

Ned stood, and took her in his arms, and held her face close to his. “Rickon is very young,” he said gently. “He should stay here with you and Robb. The others I would take with me.” “I could not bear it,” Catelyn said, trembling.

Catelyn is very smart and astute, but she loves her babies so much. 

“You must,” he said. “Sansa must wed Joffrey, that is clear now, we must give them no grounds to suspect our devotion. And it is past time that Arya learned the ways of a southron court. In a few years she will be of an age to marry too.” Sansa would shine in the south, Catelyn thought to herself, and the gods knew that Arya needed refinement. Reluctantly, she let go of them in her heart. But not Bran. Never Bran.

I still think that Ned should let Catelyn know about his misgivings about Joffrey, but it’s too late for that. And also maybe you should let Sansa know that she should be careful around her future in-laws??????? 

But Catelyn does know her girls very well, and even Ned knows that Arya needs to go through lady bootcamp. (personally I hope Arya would have remained a little hellion if everything hadn’t gone horribly wrong.)

But also Bran. He really is Cat's favorite and she’s going to blame herself for his fall for the rest of her life which just breaks my heart. 

“Yes,” she said, “but please, Ned, for the love you bear me, let Bran remain here at Winterfell. He is only seven.” “I was eight when my father sent me to foster at the Eyrie,” Ned said. “Ser Rodrik tells me there is bad feeling between Robb and Prince Joffrey. That is not healthy. Bran can bridge that distance. He is a sweet boy, quick to laugh, easy to love. Let him grow up with the young princes, let him become their friend as Robert became mine. Our House will be the safer for it.”

Big lol on the Starks being friends with Joffrey like Ned and Bobby B. Bran is incredibly easy to love, but even that isn’t going to save the relationship between Joffrey and the Stark boys because Joffrey is Joffrey. Also, let’s debate below if the Robb/Joffrey conflict foreshadowing was fully fulfilled in the War of the Five Kings happening, or if maybe a personal fight between Joffrey and Robb was initially planned but then dropped, bc I could could either way.

Also note that Ned was only eight when he was fostered out, so Jon Arryn really was a second dad for all intents and purposes. I wonder if Ned ever felt a little bit like an outsider in the North? Possible.

He was right; Catelyn knew it. It did not make the pain any easier to bear. She would lose all four of them, then: Ned, and both girls, and her sweet, loving Bran. Only Robb and little Rickon would be left to her. She felt lonely already. Winterfell was such a vast place. “Keep him off the walls, then,” she said bravely. “You know how Bran loves to climb.”

😬

Way to bring the negative foreshadowing, Catelyn. Grouping Robb and Rickon together does not make me feel warm and fuzzy inside about Rickon’s survival chances.

Ned kissed the tears from her eyes before they could fall. “Thank you, my lady,” he whispered. “This is hard, I know.”

Guys. I don’t know if I can survive Ned and Cat dying all over again. I really don’t know if I can do it. Every time I cry all over the place and these moments are not helping. 

“What of Jon Snow, my lord?” Maester Luwin asked.

Thanks for ruining the mood YET AGAIN, Luwin. 

Catelyn tensed at the mention of the name. Ned felt the anger in her, and pulled away.

 Many men fathered bastards. Catelyn had grown up with that knowledge. It came as no surprise to her, in the first year of her marriage, to learn that Ned had fathered a child on some girl chance met on campaign. He had a man’s needs, after all, and they had spent that year apart, Ned off at war in the south while she remained safe in her father’s castle at Riverrun. Her thoughts were more of Robb, the infant at her breast, than of the husband she scarcely knew. He was welcome to whatever solace he might find between battles. And if his seed quickened, she expected he would see to the child’s needs.

Oh boy. It’s time to have the bastardy conversation again. So Catelyn is essentially not allowed to be mad at Ned having a bastard. “He has a man’s needs” and all the garbage, but Catelyn was raised to suck it up and shut up about it, and that’s what she’s done. She is obviously very hurt by it, but she can’t really be mad at Ned without having to reevaluate how fucked up Westerosi marriages really are so she’s not going to. This is actually pretty standard for Westerosi women and real life medieval women. But the real kick in the teeth is Ned bringing the bastard home and Catelyn knows it. 

He did more than that. The Starks were not like other men. Ned brought his bastard home with him, and called him “son” for all the north to see. When the wars were over at last, and Catelyn rode to Winterfell, Jon and his wet nurse had already taken up residence.

 That cut deep.

This is what pissed Catelyn off, and frankly, she’s right. She's a new wife, an outsider to both the family itself and the North as a whole, and when she shows up to her new home, Ned has already installed his acknowledged illegitimate son there. Catelyn is already starting at a disadvantage at WF in pretty much every way, being a Southerner and of a different religion, and her only leg up is that she’s already done her job and produced an heir. But Ned already has another son, one that is not only already there when she arrives, but also looks more like Ned than her sons, which is going to rankle her every time she sees him, and also bastards in this world have started at least a couple rebellions against true born heirs. Is Cat right to be mad at Ned? Yes! Should she be taking it out on Jon? No! But she can’t really do anything against Ned, but she can ice out Jon, so she will. 

Also, having your children inherit is basically the only “reward” noble women get  in Westeros and the medieval period for being “good women,” and we’ve established that Catelyn is all about defending her children’s rights (and her only real legacy she’s allowed as a “good” Westerosi noblewoman.) Bastards are a really problem in that system, and Catelyn KNOWS it.

There’s also the emotional betrayal. Even though Ned and Catelyn didn’t really know each other when they got married, they’ve by now established a very close and living relationship, but the fact is that he cheated on her and she has to deal with the proof everyday. The entire segment about Ashara Dayne is really about the emotional betrayal rather than Catelyn just hating Jon because she’s a bitch. 

Ned would not speak of the mother, not so much as a word, but a castle has no secrets, and Catelyn heard her maids repeating tales they heard from the lips of her husband’s soldiers. They whispered of Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning, deadliest of the seven knights of Aerys’s Kingsguard, and of how their young lord had slain him in single combat. And they told how afterward Ned had carried Ser Arthur’s sword back to the beautiful young sister who awaited him in a castle called Starfall on the shores of the Summer Sea. The Lady Ashara Dayne, tall and fair, with haunting violet eyes.

Once again, Catelyn is absolutely all up in her head over this, because who is she supposed to talk about this with????

This is the same thing I was talking about earlier, the way the past constantly overlays the present, even as it passes into story while some of the players are still alive.

Also... is this the version that Sansa hears??? I assume not because Ned puts a stop to it after Cat asks him about Ashara, but Sansa knows that Ashara committed suicide? I do wonder how she heard it (and how she would feel about this version considering she idolizes her parents’ marriage.)

It had taken her a fortnight to marshal her courage, but finally, in bed one night, Catelyn had asked her husband the truth of it, asked him to his face. That was the only time in all their years that Ned had ever frightened her. “Never ask me about Jon,” he said, cold as ice. “He is my blood, and that is all you need to know. And now I will learn where you heard that name, my lady.” She had pledged to obey; she told him; and from that day on, the whispering had stopped, and Ashara Dayne’s name was never heard in Winterfell again. 

OOOOH. The one time that Catelyn is ever afraid of Ned. The one time she describes him as “cold as ice” the way other people do. This really is the major sore spot in their marriage, and don’t think I missed “She had pledged to obey.” SHE HAD PLEDGED TO OBEY. Just.... Remember that. As much as Ned clearly loves Catelyn, he does always have the upper hand in the relationship because of the society in which they live, and Catelyn is very aware of that even if Ned often isn’t. 

Whoever Jon’s mother had been, Ned must have loved her fiercely, for nothing Catelyn said would persuade him to send the boy away. It was the one thing she could never forgive him. She had come to love her husband with all her heart, but she had never found it in her to love Jon. She might have overlooked a dozen bastards for Ned’s sake, so long as they were out of sight. Jon was never out of sight, and as he grew, he looked more like Ned than any of the trueborn sons she bore him. Somehow that made it worse.

This entire conversation is littered with Jon’s parentage conversation, but this feels like some of the strongest stuff right here. Aside from Catelyn, the woman that Ned thinks about constantly with love, is Lyanna. I don't think that there are that many Ashara truthers out there anymore, but there’s the evidence right there for Lyanna.

Also Catelyn straight up spells out why she’s so icy to Jon. She loves Ned, but she can’t stand that he brought the proof of his infidelity home, and there’s literally nothing she can do about it. And Jon looks like Ned more than her sons, and honestly, that’s probably pretty scary considering what we learn about the Blackfyres in later books. 

I am a Catelyn apologist, and while I don't think that Catelyn should have taken her feelings out on an innocent child, she is under no obligation to love Jon and her stance is pretty understandable, especially since the text straight up spells it out why she feels this way. This entire situation is really on Ned, but neither Catelyn or Jon can put the blame on him for many reasons, so they hate each other instead. And that’s a pretty interesting emotional conflict in my humble opinion!

“Jon must go,” she said now.

 “He and Robb are close,” Ned said. “I had hoped …” 

“He cannot stay here,” Catelyn said, cutting him off. “He is your son, not mine. I will not have him.” It was hard, she knew, but no less the truth. Ned would do the boy no kindness by leaving him here at Winterfell. 

The look Ned gave her was anguished. “You know I cannot take him south. There will be no place for him at court. A boy with a bastard’s name … you know what they will say of him. He will be shunned.”

 Catelyn armored her heart against the mute appeal in her husband’s eyes. “They say your friend Robert has fathered a dozen bastards himself.”

 “And none of them has ever been seen at court!” Ned blazed. “The Lannister woman has seen to that. How can you be so damnably cruel, Catelyn? He is only a boy. He—”

Okay, Ned, what was the plan for Jon? You really should have been thinking about this. I repeat: WHAT WAS THE PLAN?

Also, the implication that Ned had just as much to do with seating Jon away from the royal family as Catelyn has not gone unnoticed by me. He is also aware how petty Cersei is.

His fury was on him. He might have said more, and worse, but Maester Luwin cut in. “Another solution presents itself,” he said, his voice quiet. “Your brother Benjen came to me about Jon a few days ago. It seems the boy aspires to take the black.” 

Ned looked shocked. “He asked to join the Night’s Watch?” 

Catelyn said nothing. Let Ned work it out in his own mind; her voice would not be welcome now. Yet gladly would she have kissed the maester just then. His was the perfect solution. Benjen Stark was a Sworn Brother. Jon would be a son to him, the child he would never have. And in time the boy would take the oath as well. He would father no sons who might someday contest with Catelyn’s own grandchildren for Winterfell.

Thank the gods for Luwin, thus fight could have gone completely sideways. 

But also, yeah, Ned. He asked to join the Night’s Watch. Where the hell else is he supposed to go?????? 

Also, Catelyn worrying about Jon's children competing with her grandchildren.... Catelyn, I have the perfect solution but you are NOT going to like it. 

Maester Luwin said, “There is great honor in service on the Wall, my lord.” 

“And even a bastard may rise high in the Night’s Watch,” Ned reflected. Still, his voice was troubled. “Jon is so young. If he asked this when he was a man grown, that would be one thing, but a boy of fourteen …”

OH, so now a boy of fourteen is too young? Make up your mind, Ned!

Also, another mention of honor and Jon, bastards rising high, everyone take note. This will be on the test. 

“A hard sacrifice,” Maester Luwin agreed. “Yet these are hard times, my lord. His road is no crueler than yours or your lady’s.” Catelyn thought of the three children she must lose. It was not easy keeping silent then.

Fun fact, the kindle version of AGOT has “cruder” instead of “crueler” and that did make me snort a little. 

But I think this line is kinda the thesis statement for the Starks’ journeys. Everyone’s road fucking sucks, just in different ways. 

Catelyn thought of the three children she must lose. It was not easy keeping silent then.

STOP WITH THE FORESHADOWING CATELYN.

This chapter repeatedly putting Robb and Rickon together is NOT good for my nerves. 

“When shall we tell Jon?” the maester asked. “When I must. Preparations must be made. It will be a fortnight before we are ready to depart. I would sooner let Jon enjoy these last few days. Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well. When the time comes, I will tell him myself.”

This entire chapter is just meant to emotionally wreck anyone foolish enough to reread the books. I’m not even going to make a joke about Ned’s inconsistency on when kids should become adults, because I too just want Jon to enjoy these last days of childhood.

So, some wrap up thoughts on this chapter. 

This is the first repeat POV, so there’s a departure from the last couple chapters, which were in my opinion basically mini foreshadowing arcs for the character’s whole story. This chapter was much more intent on establishing the personalities and relationships between Ned, Catelyn, and Luwin, and I think it did a pretty good job. I think that Catelyn comes off fairly sympathetically, as a person trapped in u fortunate circumstances, but that’s just me. 

Oh, and the LF and Lysa conspiracy really was planned from literally day one.

I have no idea when the next chapter will be coming bc I have to actual work for my uni that sadly does not include analyzing ASOIAF, lol. 

[rainydawgradioblog]

Meet the Band: Juniper Honey!

Hey blawgers! I’m DJ Penny Lane and this is my first interview in a series I have named “Meet the Band,” where I interview musicians so you can get to know their musical style and background. 

My first band here on this series is Juniper Honey, a Southern California indie-rock band. The band is composed of four members, Josh West (bass), Donovan Hess (drums), Jake Hesse (vocals and guitar), and Cason LeSueur (guitar). The band started with two members, Hesse and Hess, departing from their high school band to embark on a new musical journey, eventually teaming up with West and LeSueur to form Juniper Honey. Through creating their own image, I asked if they draw inspiration from other bands, collectively the band landed on more classic bands like the Beatles. However they aren’t exactly striving for one style, as West talks about how, “A lot of us have a very broad variety of tastes, getting influenced by each other[band members] and by other bands pretty much every week.” To add on, Hesse also explains how the band brings “different musical backgrounds, but at the end of the day all of it melts together.” It’s an advantage that each of the members can contribute a different musical influence to the band, opening up a gateway of ideas when creating and sharing their music.

I am always invested in a band's creative process while inventing their music and sounds, so I asked how Juniper Honey works on theirs. “I think we all do a really great job at bringing in our individual elements to the table and hashing things out. We’re also good at giving each other feedback to help build off all of our ideas,” LeSueur answers. I asked if they ever sit down together and have creative writing sessions, and to that Hesse answers, “That’s what everyone hopes happens, but in most cases the more natural thing starts with someone in their bedroom with a guitar and they come up with something. It usually comes to the rest of the band in a very early, raw stage, so it still feels like it’s written from scratch.” West builds off of this with, “That early form could be something like the lyrics, the melody, or a simple chord structure, but then it completely takes its shape after we can all have a stab at it and start adding elements that are us along with the input we share on it.”

While Juniper Honey's performances have been somewhat spread out due to all the band members still attending school, Hesse explains how their current group of shows “has definitely felt like more of a tour.” As they transition from occasional gigs to securing more committed performances, I had to ask them whether they aspire to further pursue music. “I’d love to play some festivals,” remarks Hess regarding some long term goals for the band. “We’re definitely trying to give it all we got,” West adds. “The goal and what we’re shooting for is to continue what we're doing and see where the music takes us. We’ve seen a lot of growth over the last year, and I’m excited to see what these next years will hold.” I caught up with the band midway through their tour, and their standout memory thus far is a show they played at the Brick and Mortar in San Francisco a few weeks back. "We made a lot of cool friends along the way,” West comments, “and I feel like we all delivered a really great performance." Overall, the band receives lots of encouragement from their shows having such great turnouts in cities they didn’t expect. Hesse explains how, “Our expectations are naturally low, so we're pretty surprised when we find ourselves in a place where there are people we’ve never met, yet they know to come see us.” This positive reception fuels their passion and motivates them to continue pursuing their musical endeavors with greater determination.

The last question I asked the band was inspired by the movie Almost Famous, as the last question of the movie ends with the main character being asked,“What do you love about music?” Here are there answers:

Josh West: “I am always captivated by the emotions that music can evoke. Different types of music, different songs, different lyrics can all bring certain memories and emotions into my head. It blows my mind.”

Donovan Hess: “From the listeners perspective I would have to agree with Josh. But from a performance perspective, I’d say I love seeing the transition from playing shows in highschool where all of our friends are having a good time to seeing all of these new people having a good experience with our music. It’s cool to see how happy you can make some people even though you wouldn’t think our music can make this big of an impact on a person.”

Jake Hesse: “What I love about music is the bond that is created from such a simple thing. It can be on so many different levels and look so many different ways. Whether it’s my dad and I bonding over a song, or being at a concert and bonding with complete strangers and feeling so together. I think there’s a beautiful power to music because it’s one of those few things that can make you feel like you can escape and be anywhere except for that one moment.”

Cason LeSueur: “My favorite thing is probably how expressive music is and can make you feel. Whether it’s lyrically or musically you can feel the intimacy from a listener perspective or creator perspective, providing a super connected experience.”

It's been a pleasure delving into the world of Juniper Honey, and I'm excited to see where their musical journey takes them next. To all the readers, keep an eye out for Juniper Honey's upcoming performances and go listen to their music!

DJ Penny Lane

Meet The Band

[wisteria-lodge]

unBurnt Lion primary + burnt badger secondary (Bird model)

Hi there! I hope you wouldn't mind sorting me! Sorry in advance if this gets long, and obviously you can delete it and all that.

Im not entirely sure about my primary. Ive always been very opinionated about my beliefs and I have dropped people very quickly if they dont agree with things that are important to me, like 2slgbt+ rights or the environment. I also am not really a fan of communities, because I feel like a lot of the time communities will close ranks around bad people in order to keep the peace, and I think thats unfair.

So far, so Lion.

I dont really feel the need to belong anywhere, but I do like having words for what Im feeling,

So far, responsible Lion.

and oftentimes that means Im identified with communities even when I dont want to be.

Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder if there might have been a period of burning in your past. Burnt Lions will sometimes latch onto groups as replacement moralities.

I have been pretty easy to sway with an opinion - especially when I dont understand whats being talked about, and I have bought into some pretty shitty belief systems in the past.

Lion primaries have been known to be *especially* vulnerable to propaganda. Especially if it's something that skips right over logic and goes right for your heartstrings.

I was *so sure* at the time that I was doing the right thing, even though I know now that I wasnt. I wasnt even convinced out of them with logic, either, despite being convinced by "logic" in the first place.

Since you went and put "logic" in air quotes, I feel pretty good about slotting it up into the "propaganda" category. As for the rest... it's hard for a Lion to logic their way out of something. They've got to *feel* their way out.

It was more like this weird feeling that I was being a shitty person and had to stop (im not sure if this helps, but any time i lie i get this twinge in the back of my neck, and sometimes it helps me figure out if im subconciously lying to myself).

So this is so, so Lion that I'm starting to wonder if you've written a Lion ask on purpose and *want* me to tell you Lion. :D

It took a few weeks and I kind of floundered the whole time after I realized I had been in the wrong, but looking back I can point out little things that had been bugging me that I think just built up until I couldnt ignore it anymore. I think from the outside it looked like a did an 180° turn, and it felt like it at the time, but im very bad at listening to myself and had felt Really Bad for quite some time leading up to the moment I chose to leave. I feel like im still working through a lot of that and trying to be better.

You're doing real good. I think that you had a fairly burned primary for a while, and that's what's messed up up.

(I feel a hell of a lot of guilt about ever believing it in the first place though, and it makes me think that if I have a moral compass its probably really defective, because I shouldnt have ever bought in to any of it. I dont think being in a bad place excuses it either, because it was just wrong all the way down.)

You're not psychic, and your moral compass is fine (although it might not feel that way right now.) Lions take in information just like Birds do, and they can take in faulty information just the same. Only, they process it differently, and favor different kinds of input.

But, doing a serious 180 as a Lion is... like you describe. A long time coming. Very emotionally messy. And the actual transition takes a non-zero amount of time as well.

A really big aspect of my life is my spirituality, and Ive definitely been pretty quick to study and practice anything that seems like it might fit (so long as its not a closed practice, obviously!). Nothing has ever really felt right to me, either because the art and music don't match how I feel about it or because I feel like some really shitty things are in the belief system and I cant stand by and let that happen again. Its like, Im waiting for this "click" to happen and nothing Ive participated in has ever given me that feeling. I cant even describe it properly with words, but I know what Im looking for, I just dont know where it is, which is really frustrating.

Hmm. I wonder if any existing spiritual community is ever going fit you 100%, especially since you're a bit of a loner. You're aloud to use the parts that work for you, and idk - make your own art/music that reflects how you feel.

But this section is making me think a little of the sort of Burnt Lion secondary who needs help/support propping up their own felt impulses, and goes out looking for an existing community/ philosophy that matches perfectly. And then will inevitably be disappointed when their *thing* doesn't match them exactly. I'd keep an eye on that impulse. After all, nothing human-made is completely flawless.

For my secondary, im pretty awful at social situations (thanks neuodivergency!)

You started off with some apologies, which started to make me suspect that you might have a burnt secondary... and I'm becoming more convinced.

so I seriously struggle with trying to see how I react in social situations. I definitely script everything because I know that people dont like it if you say the wrong thing or dont follow all of these weird unspoken rules. My scripts are generally more of an outline of what im supposed to say, or like a mental list of rules to remember (people want eye contact, use these words for teachers and these words for friends, that sort of thing).

Yep. Running scripts. Know all about that. The classic neurodivergent Actor Bird secondary.

I find it a lot more relaxing to be with other neurodivergent people, because then I can just chill and don't need the running commentary. I tend to be fiercely independent and I have been told that I dont keep secrets well - Im a bad liar unless its me lying to myself I guess?

That is your primary talking.

- and I know for a fact that im inflexible as all hell and hate suprise changes. I like to know whats happening and why (again, neurodivergency for the win).

That's definitely neurodivergent stuff. Probably autism spectrum (especially combined with running the scripts.)

In terms of more concrete examples for either my primary or my secondary, my special interest is video games so ill just rapid fire some video game stuff. I love games with a grind, because I like seeing my characters get gradually stronger - but I hate minmaxing and I would rather have fun and play my own way then be efficent.

Well this is sounding like some Badger secondary love of consistent effort, versus the Bird secondary 'work smarter not harder.'

I am also willing to cheat the grind a little but only if I think that the original method is dumb.

Badger.

In one game, they wanted you to collect thousands of items in order to upgrade a character, so I just cheated them in because I didnt want to spend hundereds of hours on it. But had it been a slightly more realistic number, i probably would have just done it the normal way (in another game, I was willing to farm for a few hours to get a really nice hat because it was a smaller time commitment and more fun). I really love games that give you a lot of freedom in where you can go and what you can do, and I like finding little secrets that the developers hide around. I tend to be pretty quick to point out fake doors or other things like that, because I love them a lot.

Still Badger.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a video game tester because I want to just run into walls and jump around levels and stuff.

Hey, maybe you'd like it, but personally I hated being a game tester, because what you've got to do is play stupidly, and badly, and in ways the game was obviously not intended to be played.

I do notice that I tend to play the same character no matter what game I play, and find it hard to really roleplay as anyone that isnt at least kind of like me personality wise. Like obviously theyre pixelated people, but I dont like the idea that Im hiding my opinions from them and telling them what they want to hear.

I suspect this might be more common with Lion primary people.

This is really difficult in games like dragon age, because confronation isnt my strong suit at all. And you cant run away from scripted cutscenes!

mmmm. "Run away" as a default problem solving method sounds pretty burnt secondary to me.

I know I collect information, and I really like learning about the tings Im interested in (video games, religion, mythology, that kinda thing) but if im not interested I just cant work up the drive to do anything with it at all.

This is "preferred task" stuff, and it definitely gets brought into the neurodivergent mix, especially if there are some ADHD-esque tendencies in there.

Its also never come in handy solving a problem. If anything, I feel like when I have problems my first response is to just freeze and then run away

^ burnt secondary.

but if I cant run then I kind of just do whatever I think of first. Theres probably some wheels turning but in the moment a lot of the time im just thinking "aaaaaaaah".

^ burnt secondary.

When I was trying to figure out where I wanted to go to school, everyone in my life was in my head trying to tell me what I should do. I listened to them because I was tired and angry that I didnt have time to think, and ended up being kind of miserable.

That sounds like tired, burnt Lion primary.

I justified to myself in the moment by pretending that I was having fun, but really I spent most of it wishing I had done something else. Now that Im officially graduated, im trying to break into a craeer that I actually want instead of the one I went to school for, and Im proud of myself for trying to be more open about what I want to do and how I want to get there, even if im not entirely sure about the specifics.

Congratulations. Seriously. It sounds like you're doing a *fantastic* job.

Sorry again for the novel, I seriously appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I think you're going to be just fine.

[space-ninja-fashion-show]

Thinking about how the different spirals affect North but also how that changes over time, as things get better and the emotions mellow out into something more like weather or passing moods draped over the otherwise calm of Duviri

Anger, as i said already, is the worst. It is a constant fight not to get dragged down in it, not to let themself be carried away, bc they hate who they become when angry but it's also So tempting to just Give In. Bc it Does feel good, to be angry, to let it out in violent ways. But it also hurts immediately after, every single time. Anger always gives way to fear or sorrow sooner or later

Even after it has mellowed out, it makes them feel wrong. Irritable. Restless. They have control over it but they don't Like it regardless. The best they can channel it into is Motivation to Do Things but they don't like approaching things from a place of frustrated restlessness. But at least doing something productive about it lets them work it down without inflicting harm

Joy, ironically, makes them angry. They get really snappy about the forceful positivity to the point where no happiness during a joy spiral feels actually genuine. It's also…overwhelming. Flooding with sensory input they aren't always up for, and it drains their social battery too like no other spiral can. So they just wanna go hide in a cave for three hours and not look at anything if the spiral lasts too long

Eventually it does become genuine tho. Just influence making them a bit more likely to feel giddy, to express their joy outwardly more clearly than their usual quiet contentment. At its core it feels like when your eyes meet with someone else and suddenly you both burst out laughing. It can still get draining after a while, but a lot less easily

Envy sucks like all others but also it's in large part North talking to their own brain like it's an edgy 12-year-old in an online game. Yes our life sucks. Yes other ppl have it better. Yes i know. Can we pls get shit done now. But also they lock up any and all Envy Fuelled Thoughts they get real fuckin tight and refuse to deal with them bc they see them only slightly less rotten than how they are during Anger

It mellows out into slightly too strong motivation to Do Better. They learn to be analytical about it bc that's the only thing that seems to Work for making it feel Not Horrible. Asking, what exactly is it that i want here? And how do i get closer to it? Even if they don't act on it, plotting out that possible route helps. And if there is no such route, they just forcibly learn to let it the fuck go

Fear is familiar. Managable. North is the kinda person who can keep functioning through a panic attack bc Been There Done That. But being alone, having no one to put the fear aside for, no real reason to put on a brave face, it's not kind to them. Fear turns to loneliness and despair so easily. It convinces them that they're alone not only now but always. That those they love are no longer there, will no longer be there when they return home

(Also the thunderstorms it brings Suck)

When mellowed out, it's just an increase in North's baseline of anxiety. It makes them a bit more alert and a bit more careful. But being a bit less daring for some time doesn't affect them all that much

Sorrow is familiar too, almost tempting to remain in it forever. Comfort in pain and apathy. Unlike the others, it doesn't set in suddenly. It grows slow, insidious, until it feels like it had always been there, no point to fighting it. It drowns everything in fog. It's exhausting, to do anything, to stay, to convince themself to return home

It's still sorrow, even after mellowing, but it's not drowning anymore. It's melancholy. During these quiet waves of sorrow in Duviri is when North chooses to mourn their past and honour their dead

[evilbutcutetho]

To elaborate we were together, went on vacations together and she was literally everything I could ask for. We went on vacation together and neither of us wanted a label. We went to cute restaurants, planned museum dates, and other things we both enjoyed. Through all of it though I was still fighting PTSD I was hiding from my previous relationship. In that relationship I was verbally abused and caught in a living situation with the person.

They repeatedly invalidated my opinion. Put down my interests and made me really cater to their wants and likes. So at the end of that relationship feeling trapped I just lost myself to try and make myself perfect. She gaslit me and turns out she had been cheating for about half a year despite going after me about every little thing.

When I met this new girl everything was great, but slowly those fears crept in. Things felt too good and I ultimately let my fears of losing her take over. She was away and I hadn’t seen her for a month, and I felt depressed. I drank way too much and accused her of not loving me. Even though my insecurities really had nothing to do with her. She never even hinted she wanted to be with anyone else. In fact she wanted to have me in her life in an important way. Needless to say she thought I was different from any other guy she had been with. After that she pretty much pulled away and coupled it in with the negative experiences she had with others.

When she got back she wanted some space, we still saw each other and it was weird. My trained reaction was to try and be perfect and do only what she wanted to do and pursue what she liked. It backfired heavily because she liked I was passionate about my interests and I came off like I was simping and appeared bland. All in all I was afraid and held on way too tight. Unfortunately it happened with someone I never wanted to lose and she had voiced the same sentiment when we met. In the end I fought to try and fix things while needing to do a lot of work on myself.

The last conversation we had she kind of through the relationship that gave me PTSD in my face out of anger and questioned its validity and said if I smothered her like I was doing to her she understands why she left. I told her that wasn’t the case and I legitimately had trauma. She questioned if I could actually change and we haven’t talked since.

It wasn’t until I got the help I needed that I saw how big an effect my ex I was living with caused me. I saw how it affected my relationship and conditioned my responses. It legitimately took away the mix of things that made me who I am. The sad part is this girl I met saw all of my interests, hobbies and light and loved me for it. She wanted to engage in my interest and enjoy them with me. As I said I let my fears destroy me and what we had. She even told all of her family about me and wanted me to meet her extended family.

My friend wants to reach out to her to try and bridge the gap. To let her know I got help and that I perused the help I needed and made real changes and see if she’s opened to getting coffee with me.

I just wanted your input because I respect your opinion. I know I messed up. I own that and I really did conquer the pain I still had. I just hope I get another chance. Even if it’s just as friends.

Alright thank you! It's very good and important you've come to realize that you needed professional help and actually reached out for therapy.

So i think first of all you should be sure about your intentions of reaching out to her. Does it come from a place of feeling the need of making peace with yourself about this situation? do you project something onto her without really knowing her on a deep level (i couldn't tell whether you and her have been close for a very long time or if your time together only happened in a timeframe of a couple months) or does it come from genuinely wanting to be with her specifically?

Before i tell you what i personally would advise you from the information i have about the situation, i also wanna say this only applies if there has never been any form of abuse in the connection between you snd her. I just wanna mention this because coming from abusive relationships and/or abusive homes, sometimes the victims subconsciously start showing abusive behavior too or - the exact opposite - they often don't recognize more covert forms of abuse because they are so desensitized to mistreatment. So if there has been any abusive behavior from either her or you, i'd probably advise you to not reach out for the safety and wellbeing of both of you

Anyways, if you're 100% sure you love her and it's coming from a genuine place then i think it's worth a try to reach out to her. But you really need to be confident in the stability of your progress, don't expect yourself to be fully healed and free from unhealthy patterns if it's "only" been a couple months or a year of therapy. It takes a lot of time to not fall back into old habits and it also needs being confronted with your triggers again and again. You have to take in consideration that your healing process in theory will always be way ahead of your healing process in practice. Your head might have already changed and understood but your body's reaction to being triggered is another thing.

That's why oftentimes people feel calm and balanced while they are single but start feeling stressed and confused again when they get close to someone they like. That's nothing unusual or bad, it's just important to be aware of and prepared for. it's normal and you need confrontation to learn to cope healthily and get more secure. You can't fully heal without being in a situation where you need to actively put in work to stand on business while being triggered.

I don't know her side of the story and how she experienced all of it so i can't tell you how she feels about you reaching out to her. Just make sure to not pressure her and not guilt trip her into feeling like she owes you a conversation, make the step towards her but let her decide whether she wants to shut it off or keep it going. If she doesn't wanna talk, you'll be okay too. It might hurt but you'll know where you stand and you'll find peace in moving on.

But on the other hand, if you never tell her how you feel about her you'll probably always wonder how things between you and her could have been. It's better to tell her now then to wait forever and then be sad you never tried. Waiting too long also comes with the risk of the other person starting to move on, would be sad if maybe she's been secretly waiting for you to change and you'd miss out on your chance because she's done waiting and hoping

Either way, keep on finding back to yourself and the core of who you really are. Gaining back your true identity, your personality, your hobbies and interests and everything that defines you is beautiful

[jodilin65]

Going to make this entry about my appointment and write about other stuff in another entry. I may not feel good for a couple of days and therefore not up to writing much because of the shingles vaccination I had, but we’ll see.

It’s a chilly and windy day out there so it’s a good thing I didn’t wear a tank top.

I could faintly hear Ray’s TV when we stepped outside. As long as we don’t hear it inside our place. His house also has its original windows which are crappy single-pane windows that let sound pass through easily.

I hate starting over with new docs, even though this is technically a nurse! This is the third time since being here and we haven’t even been in Florida for 3 years. However, while I didn’t like the waiting time, I liked Rhonda, the nurse I saw. She knew and understood everything I told her except for the sleep disorder.

She managed to save me an appointment by giving me a list of what I should eat and how much of each thing. Going to try having 1200 calories a day. So no need to see a nutritionist, at least at this time. I’ll see her in 4 months and we’ll discuss my lab results and see if I’ve lost weight then. She doesn’t think I should go under 150 lbs given my age and reminded me that your height doesn’t automatically determine what your weight should be. Your age and muscularity is a factor as well. I’ve got a lot of years and a lot of muscle on me. Even 12 lbs would make a difference at my height. No one thought I looked fat at that weight and even I’ll admit that while I certainly wasn’t skinny at 150, I wasn’t that big either. It was still both weird and nice to hear her say, “You don’t have that much to lose,” even though I’m not doing this for looks.

She shocked the shit out of me by telling me she dropped from something like 255 to 130. She was very skinny. So much so that I would think it was in her genetics to be that way. She says she works hard every day to keep her weight down and that it took her about a year to get most of the weight off.

To start from the beginning - we found the place easily and arrived early. The waiting room was dead and the TV and music were at a reasonable volume even though I still prefer nothing at all. My phone or journal is enough to entertain me while I wait.

After 20 minutes of waiting a guy came and got me. He took my vitals and input my medications. Another 10 minutes or so and Rhonda came in.

She knew right away what I was talking about when I told her that the thyroid medication can cause anxiety. I also told her I couldn’t stand to get my TSH in the normal range. Before I could point out that doctors told me as long as I was under 10, I was okay, she mentioned that. So it’s good that she was understanding and not any kind of a denier. Based on my current weight and energy levels, I shouldn’t be over 10 now.

As I’ve had to do at times, she mentioned that others have to sometimes cut a bit of time off as well before food and drink after taking levothyroxine or even skip a day or two but I want to do all I can to avoid skipping altogether because that can make me more anxious. She said I would need my dose decreased if I hit 150. I don’t know if I can sustain a diet of 1200 calories a day, but I’m going to try my best. Maybe knowing I’ll be seeing her again in 4 months will motivate me because she’s going to check my progress then. I’m going to have three 300-calorie meals, and the rest of my calories will be snacks and coffee. So my portion sizes are going to have to go way down, and it’s going to take time to adapt if I ever can. I can only have 3 ounces of meat per meal, 25 to 35 carbs per meal, and 10 carbs per snack. I’m going to look up keto recipes for various meal ideas and she gave me some suggestions too.

She gave me a referral to the ENT and I showed her my fingernail that keeps splitting. She said she once had a nail that kept splitting and her manicurist put some kind of an acrylic overlay on it that allowed it to grow out past the split.

She listened well and didn’t make me feel rushed or anything like that and said to just message her over the portal when I’m ready for refills on medications.

I hope I’m not going to regret the shingles shot. It’s a two-shot dose. The second shot I’ll get when I see her in 4 months. It was rough on Tom for a couple of days after he got his because he felt like he had the flu with symptoms of fatigue, muscle aches, and chills. Rhonda said the second shot is typically rougher and Tom agreed. They both insist it’s worth it as having the shingles is no fun at all. My mother had the shingles but I don’t think the vaccine existed then. It’s recommended to everyone over 50.

I updated her on all the cardiac testing I had and told her I have high cholesterol and why I’m not on statins.

She confirmed that my mammogram and GYN check-ups were up to date.

Labs will be the week before I see her again.

[creatiview]

[ad_1] A lot of good games released in 2022; Elden Ring, Tunic, Pentiment, Grounded, The Callisto Protocol, Horizon: Forbidden West… the list goes on. Despite the disparate genres, the varying budgets, the different philosophies of the development studios, all of those games had one thing in common: they’re stressful. OlliOlli World is just one of a few cool games available on PlayStation Plus in February 2023. Whether you’re trying to break the circuits in a Thunderjaw’s fangs or avoid the razor sharp riposte of a Godskin Noble’s epee, 2022’s games all put you through the ringer. But if you needed a rest from being blindsided by well-fermented revolution in Pentiment, or smacking your head against the obtuse world-building of Tunic, there was one place you could go to unwind: the blissed-out ‘Gnarvana’ of OlliOlli World. The game will be offered free to all memebers of PlayStation Plus from February 7 – and I think it's essential you at least give it a go. Replete with pastel colours, brought charmingly to life with the pop of an Adventure Time art style, and coasting on one of the most chill game soundtracks you’re ever likely to hear, OlliOlli World was a refreshing palate cleanser of a game in 2022. It’s not open world, it’s not crammed full of shit trying to kill you, and it’s not obtuse to the point of irritation. It’s a nice, simple ‘what you see is what you get’ kind-of game. All you need to do is learn your inputs, learn the rules of the world, and get your grind on. OlliOlli World is full of weird and wonderful characters – just like any IRL skate park. Compared to the likes of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, this game feels like more of an accurate reflection of skating in 2023: this isn’t all ripped jeans and punk rock and six packs of beer. It’s more meditative, more laid back, more electronic. Skaters of all shapes and sizes meet to celebrate the art of skateboarding in this peculiar fantasy world where literally everything seems to exist to make life on the deck better. Everyone talks about flow, about state of mind, about zen. As they should. Because that’s what this game excels at. The beating heart of the OlliOlli series (this is the third game) has always been the developer’s obsession with getting players into the flow state. Think too much about what your fingers are doing, and you’re going to bail. Play with your head – rather than your body – and you’ll eat the curb sooner than you can say ‘radical’. Once you’ve cleared the first few levels and learned the basics about how to ollie, when to grind, what manuals can do, and how you can build (and keep) your momentum, OlliOlli World sets you loose on its playground world, and asks nothing of you than ‘empty your mind’. What's up, fellow kids? Once you get into that zen-like state – think of Bart Simpson saying ‘tree falling in the woods, tree falling in the woods’ to himself – the game opens up. You’ll find yourself nailing objectives without pause, grabbing high scores that will embarrass your friends on the leaderboard, doing tricks that’d make even Bob Burnquist blush. As you clear more areas and sniff out more secrets, you’ll also unlock more gear; whether you want to be a fae woodland hippie skating down the sidewalks, or a decked-out emo sk8r boi flipping over industrial waste, you’ll get to live out your fantasy. Before you know it, it’s 2am (again), and you’ve got blisters on your thumb pads. You’ve progressed a few more zones into the weird, wonderful world of Radlandia, and it’s time for bed. Better than any cup of chamomile, any hit of CBD, and most neat whiskeys, OlliOlli World has calmed you down and peaced you out. Even if you get trapped in one particularly gnarly bit of level design, or if there’s one specific objective you can’t quite complete, you’ll have a good time grinding it out, over and over again, as you feel your brain unspooling and shedding the weight of the day. It’s a game that high

lights the perks of free-spirited skating counterculture, all the while providing a masterclass in unputdownable gameplay – all dressed up in a welcoming, encouraging and engaging world. Just like skateboarding should be. function appendFacebookPixels() if (window.facebookPixelsDone) return; !function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s) if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function()n.callMethod? n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments); if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0'; n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0; t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)(window, document,'script', 'https://connect.facebook.net/en_US/fbevents.js'); fbq('init', '1749355691872662'); fbq('track', 'PageView'); window.facebookPixelsDone = true; window.dispatchEvent(new Event('BrockmanFacebookPixelsEnabled')); window.addEventListener('BrockmanTargetingCookiesAllowed', appendFacebookPixels); [ad_2] Source link