#its genuinely fucking sucked and honestly destroyed my confidence

[sleepy-kittyx]

Being in a relationship for 7 years without being touched by my partner fucking destroyed me. I want a boy that's clingy and not scared to show his affection, I need someone that can't keep there hands off me.

[dreamsy990]

SPONTANEOUS MINI REVIEW BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT I HAVENT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT FRAGMENTARY PASSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so. i actually really liked this one!

so uh. if you witnessed that incredibly long thread i made yelling about kh3 you will know that i. am not a fan of the look of modern kh. i think its kind of uninteresting compared to the delightfully cartoony style and just generally i dont like more realistic looks to games that already had a unique visual identity.

so im here to say that i think it works for 0.2! im a good way through kh3 and i dont think it works well there and ill get to that when i eventually review that game but. in 0.2 i think the new style fits the more dark tone very nicely, and the enviornments are absolutely gorgeous. like i came out of ddd thinking absolutely nothing could top symphony of sorcery in terms of world design and was proven wrong. the realm of darkness is my new favorite kh "world". for my mutuals who havent played kh, look at this!!! its absolutely gorgeous

and the environments are actually my favorite thing about this game. besides being beautiful, theyre also delightfully trippy and unsettling. theres a section where you have to climb up a seemingly never ending staircase, and every time you reach what you think is the top you hear aquas worst thoughts. a lot of the areas are twisted, destroyed versions of worlds seen in bbs. its very dark (fitting, for the realm of darkness) and honestly its a treat to just walk around admiring the view. the visual storytelling is as good as kh ever gets.

i briefly mentioned aquas thoughts a minute ago so ill bring them up again, her commentary adds a lot to the desolate atmosphere, and this game really feels like a character study. it shows her desperation, her worst thoughts, her hope despite everything, and its just genuinely good. i havent been able to say that about khs character writing since like. days. its GOOD.

i am. not a fan of bbs' writing. i think its got a good underlying concept with absolutely terrible execution, and it makes me wonder at times if the things i like about it were intentional or not. but this game takes the best written character of bbs and gives her more depth than they ever could before. i can say with confidence that aqua is one of the best characters in the series, and a lot of it is because of this game.

the tone here is very gloomy, but thats not really a complaint because the game is so short. the depressing atmosphere isnt too much to bear because youre barely in it for more than 2 hours. and i think that run time is EXACTLY long enough. it goes for exactly as long as it needs to tell the story and still give a moment to breathe.

as for gameplay. im not the biggest fan of the updated system. i like to think im open to change with kh's combat. i think the command deck has potential and the card system in com was fun and i actually liked days' panel system. but something about the way this new version of the system feels to play is just. unsatisfying. hits dont feel like they have any weight to me, and spells feel inconsequential despite being more grandiose than ever. its just not as good as it was before, and like its a sort of half assed replacement of reaction commands. the way they incorporated style changes into it was okay, but again its not as satisfying as it was in bbs. but maybe it was just satisfying in bbs because the rest of the combat there sucked

tldr, the things i care about in a game (writing and visuals) were fucking spectacular, but the gameplay definitely had room to improve. also if i ever have to fight a darkside again ill throw up and cry! 8/10, though im tempted to raise it to a 9 for the environments alone

[queerofdenial]

have fun (that is if you actually do this 🤨):

molly cobb

ava daniels

kathryn janeway

judith jones

bestie i hope you have a warm pillow tonight bc having to "least favorite" any of these blorbos hurts

questions are:

favorite thing about them

least favorite thing

brOTP

OTP

nOTP

random headcanon

unpopular opinion

song i associate with them

"here’s to selfish pricks, ‘cause we move the ball forward for mankind."

she's wholly uncompromising about who she is and what shes capable of, but still takes criticism and grows as a person! her confidence and ego are 100% earned and never feel like a Strong Woman Schtick

she had to keep walkin' straight into the destroying thing, didn't she. god damn hero.

i want an entire season of molly and patty mercury 13 backstory

molly x margo would have the best gay enemy sex and i would be so amused (but not as much as molly would) by stoned!margo

honestly don't think there are enough bad ships on famk, i adore wayne

she definitely spent months actively hitting on margo when she started ascan training just to annoy her. she and patty probably placed a bet on it.

she should've been stricter with the guys, and margo was right to fire her

hypnotized by fleetwood mac (second song on my molly x margo playlist)

"...you don't know where a woman gets fingered?"

i love that she's a wreck. i love that she overshares as a way to push people away because in reality she's lonely as hell and scared of true connection. i love that she uses generational stereotypes as jokes for the bit (and to rib at deb) when in reality she could really not give a damn. i love that she does drugs. i love that none of those things change the fact that she's talented and hardworking and fucking thriving. i love that she and i have the same relationship with growing up a gay loser with conservative parents in a new england suburb. i love that she's hot and spreads chocolate on her tiddies when she forgets shes wearing pants.

i hate that shes not real. jk, my least favorite thing is that she cannot for the life of her keep it in the drafts.

carl and hannah get along so well that every time ava and marcus interact i just knoooooow they want to genuinely admit to liking each other. i want more.

avadeb has in fact had my heart from day 1 and that will never change (its not gonna be canon you stupid sluts...ruby's cool too)

ava x not being woken up for breakfast

she's actually allergic to dogs and sucks it up for barry and cara only

unpopular opinion is that i am looking forward to seeing her absolutely thrive in season 3

kitchen light by xana

"There are three things to remember about being a starship captain: keep your shirt tucked in, go down with the ship… and never abandon a member of your crew."

everything about janeway is my favorite thing about janeway, but especially what i said to you the other day about her being a woman and a captain but never feeling like a caricature of either or the other. her leadership feels different than the other pre-disco captains, but it's never tokenism.

she's got a questionable taste in men. also generally too nice to aliens that usually want to kill her.

if they were stuck in the delta quadrant any longer, tom paris would've named his second kid after her (maybe he already did? who knows what went on on that planet)

j7! i'm always a sucker for a former drone x person who gave the drone their name (a shortened version of their designation). also this (x)

sorry mutuals but ch*kotay takes the cake on this one by a mile

she thinks about that puppy q almost gave her pretty often on voyager, and has programmed a dog into every holodeck program she runs. when they get back to earth she adopts one of the puppies her old dog had from her ex. she names it neelix.

she made the right call with tuvix

all the things you are frances faye

"i'll be your eyes." "what?" "i'll. be. your. eyes."

above anything else, she does the work and supports the people she thinks are worthy, she thinks have something important to say, regardless of prestige. she's cute as a button and loyal to a fault and is exactly the right amount of talented and full of grace and humility for what she does.

she maaaaaay need to start learning what professional boundaries are (mainly irt how much of peoples' personal issues she can carry on her lonesome)

i could watch an entire season of judith and paul attempting to bake bread using the scientific method

blanchejudith my beloved. my milfiest ship. my repression central. my women who desperately need a weekend in vermont.

if julia/judith was a thing ig i do not want to see

i have lots of headcanons ab the cabin in vermont and how she uses that space to better both her editing and her writers' work

i don't think there are enough people in this fandom for anything to be controversial? she is an absolute gem

slip away clarence carter

[esepoimipullula]

So, there’s this reply to that “do you ever read you friend’s writing and you wonder why they even put up with you” post, about how that’s an unhealthy attitude that will only hurt both you and your friend, even if you pass it off as a joke. About how you should try to better your writing because you love writing and it gives you joy and improving makes you feel proud, not because you keep comparing yourselves to others or because you’ve been told you can’t be too confident in your achievements and now think hating everything you create is the way to improve when it’s really just a way to both destroy your self-esteem and make creating unnecessarily difficult. And the thing is, I agree with it. The wording feels a bit harsh to me, but I’m kind of an oversensitive softie, and I suppose people do need a good kick in the pants once in a while. And I really do agree.

I think love is fundamental, and if you don’t love writing or what you write, you should either stop or take a good, long pause to figure out if you can love it, again or at all. I write because I love it. Or at least, I feel something close to love for it. I don’t really think about it. Sometimes a sentence, a description or a line of dialogue or a simile or anything else, pops into my mind out of the blue and I’m like either, “Oh, what is that? Who or what is it about? Where do is it lead me?” or “Yes, that’s it, hold that until a less ungodly hour/a moment when I’m free to try and do something with it or at the very least write it down.” Sometimes I’m watching or reading or doing something and my brain says, “Yeah, but you know what would be cool? If this thing happened to these characters!”, and the thing that should totally happen to the characters may or may not be related in any way to the thing I’m watching or reading or doing. And sometimes I have a sudden craving for a certain story or character or scene, or a want that has built up through years, but of course I know I won’t find any piece of fiction that fits my tastes exactly and precisely and because I don’t know any writers who happen to be mindreaders and I’m not about to become the kind of prompter who feeds the plot almost line by line to the unlucky writer their asking for a story, so in the end I go, “You know what? This is actually a very good idea and it’s a shame no one has written it yet so I’ll just do it myself!” And sometimes I feel frustrated or unsatisfied or irritated or even just a little too frantic and in too deep to actually feel any love or joy or anything else while I’m writing rather than when I take a step back to reread and edit what I’ve written, but I wouldn’t trade all those other “sometimes” I’ve just mentioned for anything in the world. And honestly, I wouldn’t do it even with these less pleasant “sometimes,” as much as I like to complain or joke or jokingly complain about them. Because they are all part of what makes me me and the idea of ever giving them up, even for some relative peace of mind, feels as absurd and unnecessary as the idea of consciously trying to change my tastes in food or music or fiction or jokes or pets --- I can only guess at where some things come from, so how would I even go about upturning or taking away things that feel almost more like instinct than anything else? And why would I ever wish to? And I don’t think I’ve never been in romantic love, I’m not even sure if I know how that’s really supposed to feel like or work out, but this is kind of love I know. The kind of love I feel for my family and my friends, who all have annoying, stupid habits because that’s what people do and I’m sure they find my habits annoying and stupid, too, and that’s fine, and the kind of love I feel for our cat, who yells at me when he’s hungry and scratches me when we play and bullies the neighbour’s overly friendly, peace-loving dog and does a lot other things that made me fear and wonder, “Oh, god, what if the novelty of having a cute little cat all for ourselves wears off after a while and we don’t want him anymore and we become one of those families that take in a pet and change its whole life only to immediately give it back and give it trust issues in the process because they’re not actually fit to have a pet” before we’d actually gotten him but now they’re just part of him and you’ll have to fistfight each and every one of us in a parking lot if you try and take him away from us. That’s the kind of love I have for writing, and even if it’s not always joy, and sometimes it’s annyoing or irritating or no more pleasant than merely, simply breathing, what does the unpleasantness or the lack of enthusiasm really matter? Nothing, or at least, very little. It’s my love, I can only guess where it really comes from, it’s always with me and I can’t imagine it ever going away, and you can fight me in the aforementioned parking lot.

And I think it’s this love that allows me to... not quite be carefree about my writing, but something a bit like that. What do comments and reviews and kudos matter, if my love expresses itself through fandoms most people don’t even think can be considered as fandoms or themes nobody but me thinks or cares about? Sure, validation and compliments and people genuinely enjoying what I create make me feel great and may even warm my heart, depending on how much thought and effort I put into a particular work or how long I’ve wished to be able to find other people interested in a certain fandom, but they’re not my reason for writing or even something I really need -- I’ll keep doing my thing whether I get a hundred kudos and fifty comments or only three views. I did use to compare myself unfavorably to other writers and despair over all the ways I found myself inferior and lacking, but then I realized... what good is wishing I could be as good as someone else, or even someone else altogether, if my writing is part of me, stems from who I am? What influence on me could another writer’s success and the methods and techniques used to reach that success even have? I should strive to satify myself while doing what I want, to become as good as I can be according to my standards and through the methods and techniques that work for me. I can take what I like and analyse it and try to make it mine and incorporate it in my style and my ideas, there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s a good way to broaden my horizons and challenge myself and improve my work and love writing even more, but in the end, I can’t be anyone but myself --- and I may have lots of flaws, but in the end, there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with that. Actually, there is some joy, and even pride, in that. And so, I reread my old works and see them with new, more charitable eyes, remembering the fun and the satisfaction and the need to write precisely that specific thing, pushing aside the old doubts that gave me nothing but endless nitpicking and rewriting and saying, “You know? Maybe my use of em dashes wasn’t actually as overbearing and cringy as I thought, maybe I should start using them a bit more freely again.” I reread my new works and tell myself, “Fuck it, of course I enjoy this and I am actually a bit proud of it, I wrote it for myself, according to my own tastes and following my own inspiration and putting as much effort and care into it as I thought it needed!”

I still have doubts and fears like everyone else, but they’re more along the lines of, “I know I can write better than this, so why am I not doing it right now? What is the problem here?!” or “I love and care and believe so much in this idea and I want to be good enough to do it justice and make sure it’ll make me feel perfectly satisifed and proud with the final result”, than “Everybody is doing the thing I feel is my thing better than me” or “I’ll never be this other writer I admire.” My writing blocks are usually more about getting stuck in the middle of a work while struggling to find the right words to put the exact feelings and actions I have in my mind on the page precisely as I’ve imagined them (”No, thats not it! There’s something missing and I can’t go on until I find out what it is! The words here don’t sound right!”), or struggling to find the Right Words to start a new project at all because I still have to work on internalizing that perfectionism is the enemy and a first draft is meant to be changed and corrected and maybe even kind of suck even if rationally I understand both concepts, or having Something Big in mind but knowing I usually just follow the flow of my ideas until it dries up and feeling my best works really come from truly getting lost into it and then worrying about how difficult Building An Actual Plot Like A Rational Person will be, or having scenes or even whole stories feels just so complete in my head that laboring to get them out of it feels like doing the same exact work twice for nothing (which isn’t true, but tell it to my brain), or just... not being able to start or go on or even end even if I have everything from ideas to motivation ro the right, relaxed but willing and driven state of mind, for some reason. Or, like, utterly dumb stuff like, “This paragraph will only make me feel good if I manage to get the lines to align in this specific way without changing the meaning or ruining the tone and atmosphere, so I will now modify it four or five times until I get it right even if I know this doesn’t make any sense.”

Except... there’s this friend. Her writing is the kind that uses a scant amount of sharp, essential words to tell whole worlds made of unsaid things, so soft they make you feel like you’re inside a dream or so harsh they're like a punch in the gut but always so clever and full that you always feel you’re always missing somthing, you just aren’t smart enough to figure it out. I have to make a conscious effort not to compare them to my works, because then mine feel overwrought and overdramatic, childish and naive.

And I know, believe me I know, that despite how much of yourself ends up in your writing, despite how much your writing can be a part of yourself, skill as a writer is not synonymous with worth as a person. You can be a good and/or succesful writer and be a complete shithead, and thinks like kindness and open-mindedness will always be fundamentally more important than the ability to string words together in a pleasing manner. But she’s kind (perhaps kinder than I deserve, because I know sometimes I can be a real dick), and open-minded, and sweet in her own way, and brave, and confident, and so smart and cultured, and sharp, and funny, and interesting, and she seems to understand people a lot better than I do. And even when we’re just chatting, I’m not always sure I understand every layer to everything she says, I’m not sure I can keep up with her wit and her mind. The confidence I feel while writing evaporates and I feel slow and shallow and boring and dumb and wonder why she puts up with me, how she hasn’t realised she could be talking to her people more like her yet.

The worst thing is, it’s not even her doing anything to make me feel like this and I know it too well. I don’t even think she knows, and I hope she never finds out. She’s not just kind to me, but affectionate and supportive, and in a honest and genuine way, and I know it’s irrational and stupid to think I might have tricked her into behaving like that with me, or that she’s not being sincere, or that she just doesn’t care enough to  take a good look at me and find out what my brain thinks is the truth. I know it would be hurtful and ungrateful to tell her. 

I also know she’s not perfect, because no one is. She has her flaws, too, and sometimes she says things that make me roll my eyes or sigh in frustration. There are some things I know more about than her, too. And we don’t even live near each other so I’ve never even met her in person, so I know if that happened at one point, I’d probably find out a bunch of annoying things about her.

But when she compliments my writing, sometimes my brain either shortcircuits for a moment or starts coming up with all kinds of bullshit like, “She’s just saying that because you’re friends and she’s a very supportive person. You’re pretty much the only one writing for this ship, so this is more like when you’re desperate enough to run fics in Russian and Chinese through Google Translate and you still leave kudos even though half of it came out as gibberish. It’s like when you read something you know is actually not well-written or well-plotted at all just for a certain specific character or trope in it, she’s just the type who doesn’t believe in guilty pleasures. She’s using a very happy and pleased tone but that doesn’t mean anything on the internet, almost everything here is hyperbole anyway so her actual reaction must have been a lot more lukewarm.” And when she writes to me or says she enjoys talking to me, sometimes my brain will go, “That’s great and I appreciate it! ... but seriously, why.”

*sigh* I guess that’s another thing I’ll have to try and work on this year. Being more open about what I feel -- at least on a sideblog read by only *checks* fourteen people, none of whom are the friend in question or any friends we have in common or any of my regular internet friends at all -- instead of keeping everything bottled up inside at all times is another one, apparently. Let’s see if it’ll really make me feel lighter.

[stormbornbastard]

Daenerys Targaryen Rant

Look, I'm new to the GOT fandom and being on Tumblr overloads with you a lot of information at once. This fandom, is like the definition of toxic and for what? Ships? I have to laugh.

I'm only gonna address one thing but believe me, I've got a list so let's do this shit.

One thing I've noticed is the overwhelming hate against Daenerys Targaryen, for her cruelty and impulsiveness in some of her actions. In no way do I agree with all of them but I refuse to reduce her complex character and story buildup to that of a villain or a mad queen.

Daenerys has simultaneously figured out to be loved and feared all at once by her people which is fucking amazing. She was not born with the same training to rule as other highborns. She was not given some handbook on how to be the perfect fucking queen for the people and herself. She makes mistakes and acts impulsively but not at all times and the times she has, she's paid for them greatly and if she hasn't learned from them now, she will. Its trial and error with her, it's the only path of ruling and conqueror she has.

By no means do her mistakes outweigh her good deeds. Daenerys has done questionable things for her claim to the throne but honestly at this point, who hasn't? (Jon isn't aware of his claim so just don't)

She's not just some benevolent and perfect ruler who shows mercy to all and does nothing wrong. You wanna know why? Because that ruler doesn't exist. No real person is capable enough to do that because real people are flawed and since GOT tries to reflect real people in their characters, Daenerys is flawed too.

Those flaws do not make her incompetent enough to rule nor do they take away all that she fought to overcome and gain (screw anyone who thinks that shit was just handed to her, her name didn't mean shit. The Targaryens had been discarded before her and the name and entitlement can only get one so far, look at Viserys for example if you need to)

A lot of people want her to be more compassionate and empathetic with her enemies and people who pose a threat but why should she? Her enemies have never been compassionate and empathetic with her. Daenerys was raised with cruelty, she was only shown cruelty by all those who were supposed to love her which is why I believe she has no problem being cruel to those who pose a threat. It's all she's knew, the cruelty others for a very long time. As much as you wanna discard her backstory, its integral to shaping the person she is.

We have seen her ability to grow as a character and show more than the death and destruction that Targaryens have left behind. She cannot learn all the capabilities of a kind and good queen when she has rarely known kindness and goodness herself. But she is growing, her sacrificing a dragon who she considered a child of her own in an effort to help defend the north against the white walkers (without Jon bending the knee first) shows her ability to put people before her own political even fucking personal interest. (Another impulsive action that she paid/ will pay for and fucking learned/will learn from. Also can we acknowledge the fact that instead of holding animosity towards Jon for the death of her dragon like she could've, she empathizes with him and instead wants to help him destroy the night king BEFORE he bends the knee all while grieving her fucking child! Dany had no indication that he would bend the knee if she helped him, none. Yet she still wanted to help him destroy the night king and protect the north and it's people regardless!)

A lot of people have ridiculously high expectations of her even though when she started the show, she had no political experience, no good social experience, no military experience, no experiences one needs to rule. Yet she gained them (she wasn't given some wise person along her entire path to help her do it either) and she gained a council of people to advise her and that she trusts with her life to become a better fucking queen and to give her knowledge when she lacks it because she knows she doesn't know everything about ruling. She's aware of almost all of her flaws and she's worked to improve on them. She's not the second coming of Robb Stark (we all wish he was still here) but she is Daenerys motherfucking Targaryen and that means something and not because of her ancestry.

Do I want her to receive the iron throne? Fuck no. I hope its destroyed along with the wheel.

Do I think she doesn't deserve to be a queen? Fuck no, she's earned it.

So stop discrediting her and fixating on her bad qualities when there is so much more of her to see.

And for fucks sakes, stop pitting her and Sansa Stark against one another. They both are remarkable fucking women who have coped with terrible shit to become who they are and they're situations as rulers are rarely the same. Most of y'all are hating on one of them because she gets in the way of a ship and its pathetic.

Sansa helps protect and maintain the north as ruler and was born a Stark which means something there and gives her some kind of respect. Dany is a fucking ruler and conqueror and the Targaryen name held nothing but negative connotations of destruction, failure and death in GOT society before her, she is consistently judged by the sins of her family. She's not familiar with every land she plans to control but she wants to be, wants to be a voice for the people and those who are oppressed just as she was. Conquering and ruling a new kingdom and ruling a well established one that you grew up in (therefore she's familiar with customs, the people and ways of life in the north) is nowhere near the same thing.

I'm not discrediting Sansa, I love her and she's an amazing ruler but she had some aspects afforded to her that Daenerys doesn't.

I know she's got an ego but shit, if I had done the things she did and overcome the things she has, my head would either be too fucking big to fit through my front door or I would've offed myself before Dany gained her first dragons (I honestly don't know if I would've had the strength to get past that point).There is no question about her strength and resilience because she's got a fuck ton of it.

One more thing, after Jon bends the knee and she says "I hope I deserve it!" THAT SHIT! THAT NEEDS TO BE FUCKING TALKED ABOUT! Dany isn't as collected as she paints herself to be, she doubts her actions just as everyone does theirs but she does it in secret. She's just not in a position to be open about her insecurities and doubts which is why she doesn't show them to anyone. She's never really been. Dany has never had family who genuinely and unconditionally loved her like the Starks have their entire lives. She has never had the comfort of confiding in someone like they have or trusting someone the way they do. Even now, the people who love her mostly love her for what she can offer them and what she represents, not who she is. She's always relied on herself for that which is probably why she's not as open and vulnerable as people would like her to be. It could even be said without all she represents or her dragons or her power, no one would love her.

She's grown up without it. Abuse taking its place, she would have no one without her claim. The starks would have each others which is why I think she holds onto it and enforces so much. Her claim has given her people who love her, the things she can offer have given her the people that love her. That sucks but it what it is.

Her questioning her ability to rule, her insecurity shows that she will not let her pride and ego get in the way of being a good queen if she gains the seven kingdom. Just because she exerts confidence does not mean she is overconfident or stuck in the belief of her entitlement to the throne. She worries she will not be the queen the seven kingdoms need which is exactly why she could be. Because those thoughts will keep her vigilant and attentive to all the shit she's needs to get done once she's no longer prioritized with conquering.

And to address her motives, or what I believe are her motives, Dany likes power. Why is that a bad thing? For a long period in life, she was considered weak and powerless, a pawn for those with power. She knows what it means to suffer (the death of her family, her husband [Stockholm syndrome but let me not start because she did love him], her only child Rhaego, and her dragon who she loves like a child, being raped, etc.) She knows it and she will never allow herself to be powerless again, she will never allow herself to be weak (I'm pretty sure she associates vulnerability with weakness at this point) in the face of threats, potential allies and the suffering of her, her people or both.

Why is that a bad thing? For her to be powerful, because that's what she equates it with strength. Power keeps her from weakness and I think it's why she strives for as much as possible so that she will never know that feeling of powerlessness again and so that her people who depend on her will never know suffering at the hands of the powerful again. It's not because of her "selfish belief that she deserves it." She wants it and forced herself to belief she's entitled and deserves it because while on the throne, she can secure protection from those who would do the horrific things she's endured and seen with that power to those without it.

She may result to cruelty when needed but that does not make her an evil person/ruler (yes I know about the Tarlys who refused to bend the knee for her. She made a power move, seeing as there were witnesses and the men who witnessed could see her not delivering on her threat of death as a weakness and eventually try and move against her, and she killed them. Now they all know she means fucking business. Also the Tarlys betrayed House Targaryen and Tyrell and were responsible for the death of thousands of Tyrell men. This is all Daenerys know of them, why do ya'll just ignore that. You act like Dany killed an innocent or someone she had a strong emotional attachment to but that's not the case. Her action was a strategic, political move and they chose to defy her when she gave them a choice) It wasn't right but it instilled fear, she cannot rule with just love. You can love someone and still plot against them, if people fear the consequences of what could happen if they fail, it'll hold them back. She needs both fear and love to rule. Loved enough to fight for her, feared enough to not move against her.

It's one a.m. but I had to get this off my chest, so yeah, I'm done.

[miasswier]

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 25

25: Diva

Written by: Brad Falchuk Directed by: Paris Barclay

Overall Thoughts: The entertainment value in this episode is fantastic. Part of why it’s so high up in my list is because I genuinely feel it’s one of Glee’s strongest episodes. Something you will already know if you’ve read my previous reviews is that something I greatly value in an episode is how obvious it is that Glee is an ensemble show. Here, we get four fantastic storylines, all of which are given equal screen time. I love when Glee does this, because 1) it means the show isn’t entirely focusing on Rachel and 2) it gives every viewer a little bit of something. Don’t like Kurt and Rachel? That’s okay, because they’re only 25% of the episode. Tired of the Blaine/Tina stuff? All good! It’s just 25% of the episode. Plus, from a subjective point of view, I enjoy all the storylines this episode. Also, no newbies, and no Finchel drama.  So extra bonus for that! Oh, and also, the music is fantastic.

What I Like:

As already mentioned, this episode is divided up into four stories, and they all get equal screen time (or, at least they do a good job of making it seem that way). Unlike “Dream On”, though, which also followed a similar format, this episode manages to include many of its protagonists throughout the stories. I mean, Blaine, Tina, Kurt, Rachel, Brittany, Santana, Sam, Emma, and Finn all get the spotlight, and Sue, Artie and Unique get some moments too. Compare that to just Will, Bryan, Rachel, Jesse, Tina, and Artie with a little bit of Shelby in “Dream On”. It just makes for a stronger episode.

THE MUSIC. I’ll talk about that more later.

Kurt calling Rachel the fuck out, and putting her in her place. As I’ve mentioned before, it can be exhausting sometimes watching Rachel just get everything handed to her time and time again, so its nice to see her lose every now and again.

Rachel is the one who apologizes to Kurt, and not the other way around. Although I do have issues with that final scene between them, I do really appreciate that they didn’t make Kurt apologize for making Rachel see she is not the only talented person in the world. Even though the scene completely revolved around her and making her feel better, Rachel was still the one who said she was sorry, therefore admitting that Kurt was right to knock her down a peg.

In a similar vein, it’s refreshing to see Rachel acknowledge her flaws, and for once actually vocalize that she has a serious problem of putting her ambition before her friendships. It sucks that this doesn’t stick and that by the time she does achieve fame she becomes exactly what she was so afraid of becoming – and unapologetically so.

Kurt is so epically sassy in this episode oh my god. One of my all time favourite Kurt Hummel episodes. The way he so easily destroys Rachel, and her legion of sycophants makes my life.

There’s only like, one scene with them, but I always thought Kurt and Adam were cute.

I really appreciated that they included Rachel telling those two guys that Kurt earned his spot at NYADA just as much as they did. Like I already said, it’s nice when she actually manages to put her friendships above of her ambition.

Emma’s giant-ass wedding to-do list.

“I know Will trusts me, but I’m a Libra. I can’t do this.”

Finn helping Emma out with her wedding stuff, and Emma helping Finn out as well. They make a good team, those two!

The scene at the end where Brittany tells Santana that she isn’t going to break up with Sam. Glee has a really serious problem when they write love triangles, and that is that very often they take away the agency of whoever is being “fought” over (Exhibit A: Jake, Ryder, and Marley). They do that here, but they do include a scene where Brittany takes her agency back. She makes a decision, and she stands by it. Even though season four Brittany drives me up the fucking wall, you can already see the hints of maturity she will gain by season five.

Although most of her actions are questionable in this episode, it is cute that Santana wants to take the job with Sue just to be closer to Brittany.

Sam sticking up for Brittany and their relationship (even if I don’t really understand why given how the events in “Naked” unfolded).

Blaine is the fucking cutest. Don’t even talk to me. When Tina calls him a “precious Tiger Beat shrinky dink” I almost died because what a fucking accurate description of Blaine Anderson.

His little smirk after “Don’t Stop Me Now”, plus his continuous repition of “um, guys can be divas” is the fucking best.

Sam saying he won’t hit a girl always makes me laugh cause like, lmao, bitch thinks he can beat Santana fucking Lopez in a fight.

Tina’s sassy “Don’t even worry about it” after absolutely killing “Hung Up”.

Tina winning the Diva-Off and Brittany shouting “She never wins anything!”

I actually think the Emma and Finn kiss made for excellent shock value.

Tina is in both my likes and dislikes of this episode. As you may have gleaned from past reviews, I’m basically the only person on the planet who actually enjoyed Tina’s take-charge attitude season four onward, and in a lot of ways felt it very merited. I mean, her reaction to seeing Santana show up yet again? It’s fair. She sat in the back of Glee for three fucking years, watching Rachel win solo after solo (and the few she didn’t get go to Mercedes, Santana, and Kurt), and barely complained. Now, it’s her turn. It’s her senior year. And who keeps getting the spotlight? A fucking sophomore, and a girl who doesn’t even attend the school anymore. It’s totally fair that she’s annoyed. It’s fair that she wants to be the girl who kicks down the door and gets what she wants. I think she was completely in her right to act the way she did in this specific regard. However…

What I Don’t Like:

… I hate that the thing she is taking charge of is her desire to be in a relationship with Blaine rather than her desire to be the star of the glee club. Again, I am probably one of the only people who wasn’t annoyed when they first introduced the Tina crushing on Blaine storyline, but by the time I was finished with this episode, I was done. They turned it from “this is something that happens so we want to showcase that” into “I deserve the love of this gay man because I did something he never asked me to do”. Blaine didn’t ask Tina to look after him, and therefore its kind of ridiculous that she would be so upset that he didn’t fall into her arms because of it. Also, she’s acting like he told her to go fuck herself once he got better, which isn’t what happened. He thanked her. He helped her pick out a song. He can be seen very clearly enjoying her performance of “Hung Up”. So why the hell did Glee make Tina act like she somehow deserved his romantic love? She knew he was gay. He literally just reminded her that he was gay and would never be interested in women in this very episode. I hate that they went in this direction with this story, because honestly? It could have been one of their sweetest, most relatable storylines. I mean, who hasn’t fallen in love with someone who can’t love them back? But instead they acted as though Blaine was the bad guy even though Tina literally rubbed vapo-rub on his chest while he was fucking asleep (to this day I have to look away when that scene comes on because it makes me genuinely furious). So like, on one hand I can appreciate what they were doing with Tina’s character, but on the other hand I simply cannot support her behaviour in this episode. It’s absolutely appalling, and the fact that Blaine not only apologizes to her, but asks her to be his date to Will and Emma’s wedding, effectively rewarding her for her terrible behaviour? God, it pisses me off. I’m so glad he blows her off to make out with Kurt in the next episode.

On top of all of that, Tina also makes both homophobic and transphobic comments in this episode. It’s so annoying to dislike Tina in an episode that I otherwise enjoy so fucking much, because she’s legit one of my favourite characters. I just really hate how they dealt with this whole thing.

Sue’s racist comment about Santana’s mom.

Santana and Sam basically taking Brittany’s desires out of the equation by fighting about her via song, as though Brittany dating Sam wasn’t enough indication of who she was going to chose.

While what I said in the above section about the Kurt/Rachel end scene still stands, it has always annoyed me that Rachel threw such a massive fucking pity party after losing literally one competition to her best fucking friend that said best friend – whose entire goal in this episode was to knock her down a peg – has to build her back up and basically say “fuck everything I said before, you’re the most amazing person ever and the world should revolve around you always”. At least he didn’t apologize.

That comment Rachel makes about all of her confidence being built on beating Kurt in “Wheels”. See, this is why I have such a hard time with Hummelberry. What kind of fucked up friendship is built on the foundation of “All of my confidence comes from the fact that I am better than you” like what the literal fuck?!

This isn’t a huge one, but I think the episode would have had stronger shock value if the Finn/Emma scene came after “Girl on Fire”. I think ending on that note would have left the audience with the biggest shock. Having a whole other scene and musical performance after just kind of softens the blow.

Songs:

Diva: Starting off strong with a fantastic group number. Unique kills it, of course, as does Tina. When they first revealed who would be singing this song, I thought Brittany was an odd choice to include, but she honestly sounds fantastic. My only wish is that you could hear Blaine more than you can. Also, I find Kitty and Marley kind of hilarious in this performance, because it’s so obvious that they are not on the same level as the other four. I don’t actually know why they felt the need to include them.

Don’t Stop Me Now: An awesome song, and an awesome cover. It also makes me incredibly happy that Blaine chose this particular song to prove that guys can be divas. It’s not just him that’s the diva, it’s Freddie Mercury as well. Such a fantastic choice.

Nutbush City Limits: This is the only song I’m not so crazy about. I think Santana sounds a bit odd in this song, like its just slightly out of her range and she’s straining a bit too hard to reach it. Also, I know this song is technically considered Rock, but it has a bit too much of a country vibe for me.

Make No Mistake (She’s Mine): I’m not a fan of the actual lyrics of this song, as the two singers are literally fighting about someone who is clearly cheating on both of them. That being said, Sam and Santana sound absolutely fantastic together, and I really enjoy the flow of this song.

Bring Him Home: Another strong song. I think Kurt was way better than Rachel, but that’s just me. My only frustration is that Rachel gets the final note. It feels like she always gets the last say in these things.

Hung Up: This is probably Tina’s strongest solo in the entire course of the show. She absolutely kills it, and the performance is amazing. It’s too bad that there’s such shitty motive behind it, but seriously, this song is amazing.

Girl on Fire: A really strong vocal performance, with a mediocre visual performance. Why was Glee so obsessed with having people sing in the auditorium and in the choir room? The end of it is good, with her finally leaving McKinley behind and going to New York, but the beginning is so lackluster. It’s disappointing considering what an amazing cover of an already amazing song it is.

Final Thoughts: I know there seems to be a lot of negatives in this review considering how high up this episode is on my list, but honestly, its one of my favourites. Obviously there’s stuff I don’t like, but the stuff I do like far outweighs the stuff I don’t. Plus, it’s just a strong episode, even from an objective standpoint.

[skylar-lei1634]

Ranting About Boruto And Naruto...

Alot of Naruto fans, especially the older ones who remember watching this anime on TV, are not too happy about Boruto existing. And this isn't even about the character but as the story as a whole. I was one of those fans even before I finished the Naruto manga (anime is still unfinished). Even hearing the name was a strange concept and it didn't help that the name Boruto almost sounds like Naruto!

But Boruto as a character just pissed me off. Everything I heard about him irritated me to the highest level. A genius boy, living in a loving home, in a peaceful village and yet he was unsatisfied? He was so confident about him being the best and never having to truly train but yet thought that his father was useless? He does know that his father stopped the war almost single handedly right?

It got to the point whenever I talked about Naruto and someone brought up Boruto I kinda glossed over it and usually ended the conversation with a "I don't like overconfident op character straight out of the gate".

I couldn't understand why there was another series. How could you continue with this when Naruto himself achieved everything he wanted. How do you make a more sympathetic character than Naruto who was abused physically and mentally by everyone around him and this kid still had the balls to be overconfident while knowing that his dream was practically unachievable because everything was against him? HOW DO YOU TOP THAT?!

Byyyyyyy... making that kid be compared to his father over and over until he hates his father while loving him and looking up to him. It was to gain profits. Anything with the name Naruto usually will sell no problem so why should this be different.

I can say that I saw Boruto as a continuation of Naruto. And this, is the wrong mindset to have when getting into Boruto: Naruto Next Generation.

My gateway anime was Yu-Gi-Oh! I adored the plot and story line along with the interesting characters and their contributions to said story. And, when I heard about another series after the one i finished watching, I went into GX with the wrong mind set.

I saw GX as a continuing story from the YGO! World instead of it's own narrative. I watched it purely to see how Yugi was fairing. Was he devastated by Atem's absence and how was his friends now? Not for the story it was giving me. When I realized that it wasn't Yugi's story but someone else's I refused to continue watching.

Fast forward a few months I finally got into a different mindset. I saw GX as a stand alone tale from its predecessor about a boy named Jaden and his way and life through the antagonists around him. Watching the story without wanting to see Yugi's influence on this story, honestly made me kinda hate the first season since that was were most of the hints about the DM series showed up in.

Now GX is one of my favorite series through about the whole YGO! World. Closely followed by Arc-V.

Boruto is the GX of Naruto. It's a separate story about a boy who has to make his own name and leave his own mark in a world that his father before him made, which is kinda hard to do when the pressure of being the kid of the strongest ninja in the world is kinda weighing him down.

Most fans compare the two characters as if they are one persona. But here's the thing. Boruto and Naruto have their own stories.

Naruto grew up in hate. He, himself, hated. He grew up with different experiences and emotions than that of Boruto. He had no friends. Came home to an empty house. Didn't understand the idea of love. Family and friends were an unknown concept. Romantic love was an entire different ball of wax that he couldn't differentiate between since he'd never been shown it before. He played pranks to gain attention from anyone. He didn't want to be shouldered to the back of the herd. He may have had people he pulled pranks with but it more partners in crime. He didn't know where he came from. Why people hated him. Why he was alone.

His story was about becoming someone. He craves being noticed so he made his goal to be hokage. His story was about showing all those that scuffed at his dream that will power and precerverence was enough to achieve it. Hell he's still genin as the Hokage.

Narutos story was easy to understand. He was the underdog of society. Not even his own teammates wanted him or even believed in his dream. He wanted to be the best of the best and did so by ...bullshitting his way through because 9-Tails and prophecies. But basically at the end of Naruto he had everything. Found the love of his life, has two great kids (while possibly having a crisis because he doesn't see himself as a good father (which does not really help with boruto and his thing)), became hokage, essentially achieved god status, made his mom and dad proud, and took down 3 bad guys that tried to destroy the world with the help on his best friend.

Boruto... Boruto's tale is actually just as easy to understand and empathize as Naruto's.

I can say that theres one person in our lives that we get compared to. Hell for some there's more than 3. It could be a friend. A family member or even a co worker. And it sucks. Like fuck is it emotionally draining and psychologically breaking never hearing your name but as someones achievement.

"Naruto's son", "Son of Naruto's", "Hokage's offspring". God would that get annoying really fast.

Boruto's coming of age story is embracing that he is his father's son but also has his own title. That he's Boruto Uzumaki and his father's achievements are not his own.

Boruto reacts like all kids do when not being noticed as their own person (you guys forget that he is 12). But all his pranks aren't to get anyone's attention. It's to gain Naruto's attention. When he tries to cheat in the choujin exams he did it so that his dad could finally see him. He wanted to be known as his own person.

I don't want to say that he wanted to be seen as an adult because he still does want to be treated as a child and be doted upon. But being raised to hear all the stories that Naruto did, Boruto wants to make his own just as his father. Naruto has does some insane things at Boruto's age so Boruto wanting to do the same is not that hard to realize.

Honestly its refreshing to see the main character try not to be the best but just wants to float through life. It's like Borutos story is saying that you can be you and you don't have to become part of the crowd.

And I like Boruto and the hidden different themes that it brings while twisting around on past ones that haven't been exploring yet in the Naruto universe.

I don't see Boruto, Sarada, and Mitsuki as a twisted former Team 7 but as their own team that steps out in it's own shoes. Boruto isn't Naruto just like Mitsuki isn't Sasuke and Sarada isn't Sakura. Sarada's an actual character relative to the plot!

And the biggest difference in Boruto and Naruto is Naruto himself.

In Naruto, Naruto seems like the goofy dumbass kid in the back of the class that gets called out on for causing mischief. He's the kid that stares at the notes on the overhead and looks down at his own and wonders how the fuck does his notes have information on history when he's in Physics. He's the kid that doesn't know jack shit about the subject at hand but somehow passes all his classes just enough to make it to the next level. He's the one that's doesn't get dates no matter how hard he tries but has mountains of chocolate on Valentine's Day from multiple people he's help in passing. He's dumb as a brick but is some how on the top 10 list of hawtest guys in school, just barely winning against kakashi and sasuke.

Naruto in Boruto is entirely different. He's the goddamn soccer mom, bringing all the snacks and embarrassing his son as he screams from the stands with his daughter on his shoulders as she does the same and his wife tries to calm down both of them. He's the wise teacher in your school that says all the right life lessons at the right time and genuinely cares about each and every student. He's the friend you call last during an emergency, when no one else answers, and shows up with chocolate and warm hugs. He legit has a fucking sword go right through him, scaring the shit out of Sarada, and just pulls it out without flinching and laughs as it heals instantly when he sees Sarada almost hyperventilate.

So I like Boruto the anime and the character. Boruto himself has come along way from the first episode. And I really was invested in this character in the beginning.

Yeah I did loath him. Most of the time I had to walk away when he talked about his dad or told him off. Though I did route for him and agreed with a few of his shit.

Like Naruto not showing up for any of his kids birthday? Bad parenting. But I do get where Naruto was coming from.

I got Boruto (even if I didn't want to). He was more than a genius asshole. He loves his mother and his sister. He fights for his friends without hesitation. He faces the mantle his dad has and is ready to throw down at anyone who thinks he's anything less than he actually is. He's beyond ready to do some good and really wants to help, even if it's his father (especially if it's his father).

I legit laughed when he turned to Sarada and said her father was awesome. It was a nice callback to when Sarada said the same to him about his father and Boruto just called her crazy. Boruto was beyond endearing when he interacted with Sasuke (when his idol kicks his ass and tells him he's weak will forever be my favorite thing ever).

Yes Boruto is fast to judge other people's feelings about him. But that actually says more about how he views the people's thoughts about him. He sees himself as ...pointless. He's shackled by the mindset of having a parent that's a war hero. That every achievement and/or goal he puts his mind to is futile against the numerous badges Naruto has under his belt.

And I'm beyond hoping that this kid does some wicked shit that scares his father.

The pacing in Boruto is actually slightly better. Like instead of entire 5 arcs about a war. This series kinda shows you the bad guy and then just goes until a new one shows up. Though many others do like having a set bad guy from the beginning and the fact that Boruto has now killed two of the three bad guys introduced in the beginning 66 episodes through...is slightly bad. But at the same time Naruto didn't have a set bad guy in the first one so hey.

And this series has a long way to go. As of today it has 102 episodes. And I'm going to be reading the manga soon too.

All in all, Boruto doesn't really deserve all the hate that this series gets (I haven't even touched on my favorite characters).

I didn't like Hinata, still don't, but I adore their children. I still ship Naruto and Sasuke, Sakura and Ino, Naruto and Sakura, and Sai with Sakura/Naruro but I enjoy the interaction between the parents and their children. Its endearing.

I wouldn't have even watched this series if I wasn't so invested in Himawari. I love my sunrise child.

[teamflby]

RWBY Volume 6 Episode 3 Rundown

Spoilers below the cut as usual

So let me start out by saying one thing, and this is going to come off as extremely arrogant but I’m going to do it anyways:

I fucking called that Ozpin did nothing wrong, and his actions were dictated by years of experience and knowledge literally no one else had. The people that overreacted and wanted him burned at the stake for telling a few lies can go suck it, because he literally did nothing wrong.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get onto the main point of today, and that is simply this: 6-3 was probably the best episode in the series next to 3-12

Yes, you heard me of all people say this. 6-3 is by far the best episode of the series next to 3-12, and has been the episode fans like me have been waiting for since 3-12. Now I’m going to explain myself and talk about the good first, because I do want to talk about some things that I felt weren’t up to par. But just know that like 90% of this episode is either good-extremely well done and the other 10% is mediocre-subpar, but never actually delves into full on bad or anything.

The episode focuses on Ozpin’s and Salem’s backstory, something I knew was coming sooner rather than later and something I was a bit fearful of when I saw it was happening this week. My biggest fear was that it was going to be generic and bland and the focus was going to be all over the place, rather than grounded in Ozpin as a whole. And... I was right about some of it. The backstory is relatively generic, BUT generic is not always a bad thing. There was genuine spice in this episode and story that made me happy, and a lot of Hoenheim vibes with it too for my Fullmetal fans. I’m going to give you guys an abridged version of it, and then talk about what I liked and what I didn’t.

So basically, Salem was Rapunzel’ed in a castle and Ozpin (who’s Ozma at this point) goes up to that castle and saves her because he believes in truth, justice and the American way. The two of them fall in love and have their magic together (since all humans have magic at the moment) and they live happily ever after until Ozpin dies from an illness. Salem doesn’t like that and goes to the god of light to get him to revive her, and he says no and Salem throws a hissy fit. She then goes to the god of destruction and asks him to do it, which he does until the GoL shows up and is like “she asked me first and I said no because reviving people from the dead is no bueno” and the GoD is like yeah you right and kills Ozma. The two make Salem immortal as punishment for being a bitch so she can never be with Ozma. Salem gets mad and pits the humans against the gods, until the gods Thanos snap everyone except Salem away and then leave the world and destroy the mood in the process. Salem hops into the GoD pit since she thinks it’ll kill her, but since she’s immortal it just makes her all Grimmy (pun 100% intended). The GoL revives Ozma and tells him to gather the relics and let the judge the humans once more, but Ozma goes back and finds Salem and they get it on and try and play God themselves. Then Ozma realizes this is a mistake and they can’t do this, so he gets killed and the cycle of reincarnation repeats itself over and over again. He gathers the relic of knowledge and asks his three questions, and he immediately finds out that he can’t defeat Salem at all and that it’s impossible, so ergo:

Ozpin is fighting a losing battle

So that’s kind of a lot to unpack, but not too much that I can’t talk about it all. For starters, let me just say that the fact that Salem was the one who was the obsessed, pseudo evil one here and not Ozpin. Let’s be real here, Ozpin was never the evil one, especially when you pit him up against literal evil incarnate. I expressed this last rundown, and I’m glad they doubled down on the fact that Ozpin himself is not evil. He’s quite literally a man that was forced into his own destiny, and while he did have the choice given to him by the GoL he’s just trying to do what he can to bring humanity together so that way he can show the Gods that humans are good and won’t get Thanos snapped again.

Also, speaking on the Gods I think they were handled relatively well. I thought that they reminded me of the Forest God from Princess Mononoke a little too much, but they weren’t harmful at all. I think they looked a little dumb, but they sounded nice and did their job well. Granted, I think that the way they destroyed the moon was stupid. Like, they just up and left the planet and destroyed the moon in the process. Some could argue that it’s symbolic now and whatever, but really? It’s not. It was just “look we answered that question you all wanted to know since the Red Trailer!” Not that there’s anything wrong with some fan service now and again, but like... this was one of the more poorly executed versions of it.

The real highlight of the episode for me was the cinematography and actual structure of the episode. The episode never takes focus off of the story and you’re constantly engaged with Ozpin and Salem the whole time, and that works extremely to its benefit. After 6-2, I was worried that this episode would cut back and forth between things, but it focuses entirely on Ozpin and Salem, and I think Ruby is the only other person in this episode outside of them and the Gods that even has a legit speaking role? It just works out extremely well at the end of the day, and I love that. Also the shot selection was just... mmmmmmm. There were a few standouts to me, like when Ozma gets told about his actual goal and why he’s being brought back, he falls onto his knees and behind him you see Oscar staring down at him in absolute fear and worry about this job being too big for him. There’s also the scene were you see in shadowy detail Salem trying to kill herself after first becoming immortal, and Ruby watches on is horror as it happens. There’s a few more that are also really good, but those two stood out the most to me. Another small part of me I really liked was how we only focused on the kids and not really Qrow when we saw them in the story, which gives me an indication that next time he’s going to play some big role because now he won’t be mad about trusting Ozpin, but how they’re fighting a losing battle. Which brings me to another thing I loved...

The fact that they can’t beat Salem. It’s made abundantly clear that Salem is immortal and cannot die, and it’s starting seem like there’s no way to do so. Personally, I think the silver eyes thing will be the bridge to that defeat of Salem (how I’m not sure), but at the moment there’s no way, and that’s a good thing. For the entire time of the show, we have this confidence that there’s a way, that Team RWBY can pull it together to do so, but then the episode ends with that resounding “No. You literally cannot.” and it just sets a tone that I love. All the girls look dejected as the camera pans out, and you’re left feeling that same dread Ozpin has felt for hundreds if not thousands of years. That’s what we felt at the end of 3-12, and that’s what we’ve needed to feel since then. This was the first time in my opinion that any type of real weight can be felt on the cast since then, and man does it feel good to finally feel it.

Now onto the smaller things I didn’t like: I think the score was kinda lame. RWBY music has always been an issue for me, and I think their scores are horrendous. The instrumentals that play in the back never entertain me, and I think they were somewhat of a mood killer here, but not enough to drag me away from what was happening on screen. I think the story as a whole was a little cheesy and campy, but honestly cheesy is good, especially for RWBY which kinda revels in it from time to time. This was a good kind of cheese, and while I think it could’ve been presented better, I still like.

Now, my final thing is a small worry that I won’t touch up upon too much: We are three episodes in, and we’ve gotten plot and lore and exposition that is Volume finale level. So that raises the question: Now what? Where do we go from here? I’m a bit worried that M&K metaphorically blew their load early and don’t have enough to keep up for the rest of the Volume since this is the trend, but for now I’m going to bite my tongue on it since it’s not too much concern. All in all, this was a great episode and did a masterful job at finally answering our questions about Ozpin and Salem (who might I add can certainly get it).

FINAL VERDICT: 9.5/10, A great story wrapped up in a RWBY-like charm that shows what Miles and Kerry are capable of when they’re on the top of their game.

[a-rdentlyy]

*finger guns* fuck vld s8 B)

I was incapable to do my final projects until I wrote down all my feelings. VLD is trash, but I’m sadly obsessed with it, dear god just end my suffering. Just to be clear, I also have some (very few) good things to say about this season but those will be at the end.

Cons

lol the whole fucking season

Pretty much everything concerning Lance was about Allura, nothing about his own personal growth except when talking to Keith

Sunset talk was romantic as FUCK and Keith spoke about how great Lance was and was just so fucking soft the whole time

Sitting at the table and confiding in each other about personal growth had me tearing up tbh

Literally episode one was extremely gay

Like, super gay

Lance and Allura have an awkward date, which was honestly pretty cute, EXCEPT for when Lance suddenly tells her he loves her and she’s just like “i mean ok i guess” and they kiss????????????

What the hell??????????

And why the fuck did Lance choose to seek solace in Keith when he was worried about his “date”??????? (hint: its gay fellas)

And then when Veronica asked about Keith and if he was single Lance literally freaked the fuck out for like 67493862988409 years

HUGE queerbait season and episode if you ask me :/

How the FUCK is Ezor still alive, I’m not complaining, but this was out of nowhere

The astral plane episode w the old paladins could have been so cool

Blaytz should have been with Lance, literally his whole speech about people underestimating him and “fucking having greatness within” is LITERALLY what Allura said to him in either season 5 or 6 (can’t remember and don’t really care about their interactions tbh)??????? Like??????? Give my boy some validation that isn’t centered around his romantic life?????

Alfor should have been with Allura. That’s her fucking dad and his whole “my daughter chose you cuz ur cool i guess” speech to Lance felt so flat and awkward, I hated it. Everything about Alfor’s speech would have been so much better if it wasn’t about how Allura liked him.

AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN CHOOSE LANCE, SHE CHOSE LOTOR AND SETTLED FOR LANCE BECAUSE HE WAS HER CONSTANT COMPANION

They did Lotor dirty, my trash son

Not a single bit of actual redemption

In the Honerva flashback episode could see how his parents tore him down. Zarkon destroying his first colony broke him.

Totally unresolved Lotura plotline. I really liked them together and they had genuine chemistry unlike the “main” bullshit ship of the season. Allura first tries to kill him in her nightmare and then immediately trusts him after he says like 2 words????????? Girl ain’t over her ex.

So was he actually evil and was really sucking out quinessence or was that plotline just never touched upon, cuz he tried to explain what was happening in s6 but was never really allowed to speak?????

The Altean colony was never really resolved???????

Like, who’s running it now??????

Altean/Farmer Lance

Don’t even talk to me about this shit

What the FUCK is with him suddenly becoming Altean????? Like, if he had, you know, some Altean descendents and his little markings were suddenly activated then i’d kind of get it

Also Lance has Altean markings now, because we just can’t let Lance move on from Allura and be happy can we

This ending was SUCH BULLSHIT. Lance has always wanted to be a pilot but now that some girl he liked is dead he wants to live on a farm w his family?????

I’m still not done with how they won’t just let Lance move on from Allura and be happy

He lives on Altea, of all places, so he’ll see her people everywhere

He has fucking Altean markings so he’ll be reminded of her every time he looks at himself in the mirror

Honerva seemed like such a good, complex villain but they just made her goal so fucking dumb

I figured she’d want to get Lotor back (which I dug because I’m always here for mother’s love n shit) plotlines, but suddenly she’s trying to get to an alternate universe?????? The fuck?????

And what the hell happened when she actually went to the AU, what the actual fuck

What a bitch, she’s still pissed at Allura even in this alternate reality

Lol AU baby Lotor telling Honerva how she sucks is incredible

Klance

Fucking gypped

So much build up

Where the hell is the “slow burn” endgame for Lance?????? Definitely not with Allura, that shit was rushed as hell

Literally so much chemistry between Keith and Lance

Allurance

I don’t actually hate Allurance

The writers just suck at doing their job and making good romantic relationships

Literally cringed at every scene where Allura and Lance interacted tho, it just felt so forced

When Lance said “my girlfriend” I actually had to stop watching and had to take a solid half hour to recover (I’m not even joking), it was the worst thing I had ever heard

HELLA rushed “i love you” to Allura. Lance, she’s the fucking best, I agree, but dude. You honestly don’t even really know each other that well (the demi in me is coming out lol)

Allura never once responded to Lance saying I love you until the very end, and even then it felt more like a platonic “I love who you are” deal. She definitely didn’t love Lance like he cared for her.

She even ended up dying and walked towards Lotor at the end, she still chose Lotor over Lance at the very end

And we just can’t let Lance have anything nice, can we

Lotura

“He was happy with you” fuckin Honerva speaking the truth for once

Literally one of the best ships that crashed and burned for no reason

Through this entire season you can still see Allura isn’t over Lotor

Allura, they did you so dirty as well

My wife

I’m so sorry for what they did to you

This amazing survivor of genocide that thought that she was the last survivor was killed off

They also ruined ur character tho, the real Allura would never have basically tortured the real Zarkon without quintessence poisoning

And you would have realized you don’t actually love Lance like that

Those goodbyes actually destroyed me at the end tho

“I’m gonna miss you Allura” BITCH ME TOO, THE FUCK

Shiro’s goodbye made me tear up the most

So she can create infinite realities because of her sacrifice except for one where she lives???????

And who’s leading the new Altea????? No one???? They never explain what happens with the actual colony that Lotor made and the current timeline

Holy shit I just realized we never actually found out if Lotor survived the quintessence field or not

I mean, almost certainly didn’t

But still, that shit’s important to tell us

Looked like a hawk carrying away a baby mouse

Shiro’s wedding was fucking bullshit

Like finally he can be happy

But god, give us fucking SOME development that isn’t damage control

At least I liked whoever he married in those background scenes despite never learning his name

MATT’S HAIRCUT IS A TRAVESTY at the end

He looks way better with long hair

What the fuck was with the lions just dipping??????????

Tbh that shit made me cry

And now they’re just chilling out in space??????

Pros

The beginning of the season was actually surprisingly really good? Like, I was nearly invested the whole time up until episode 8?????? And then it got fucking insane and weird with no explanation.

THE ANIMATION IS GORGEOUS

Baby Lotor was so fucking cute, I adore him.

Those small Klance scenes killed me

Keith supporting and validating everything Lance has done and just being a great bf in general

That romantic ass sunset scene (you CANNOT tell me that shit was platonic)

We could have had it all yo :(

Surprisingly really liked Kinkade’s vlog episode, it made me like the MFE pilots

I didn’t care about them at ALL in s7 but now I like them more

Just Kinkade and Rizavi tho

Some tasty VeronicaxAcxa shit

That’s lesbian activity

Thank god Bex was right when she said Kacxa wasn’t gonna be a thing

Old Paladin’s were pretty cool except for the bullshit talking

BAD. ASS. VOLTRON/ATLAS FUSION.

Thank GOD Galra Emperor Keith wasn’t a thing

Coran keeping Allura’s memory alive keeps me alive

HIS TOAST TO HER HAD ME CRYING

THEY REALLY WERE FAMILY

Thank god it doesn’t seem like Lance is insanely depressed a year after Allura’s death, this kid needs closure and to move on and find some semblance of happiness that doesn’t revolve around romance

Small Klance moments at the end

That fucking reunion at the end made me cry

At least we got a mlm kiss, even though it’s garbage :)

List of Those Done Dirty

ALLURA

Lance

Lotor

Shiro

Adam

The Whole Fucking Fandom

All in all, fuck v slur, 3/10 for the season and 4.5/10 for the whole show. Seasons 1-3 are the only canon seasons. Except for parts of Season 5 and 6. Those can stay.

Also Klance is Canon King.

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 3:

HOH: EVE

EVICTED: TAWNI 13-0

KORI:

Honestly, after recording this, it kinda shocks me how much was happening in House Chat... did they not have friends and family to spend the New Year's with instead of being drunk on Discord?

JESS:

If I have to hear Chris say "And I ooop" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME. I SWEAR.

WILLIAM:

I can't say I am not nervous about Eve winning HoH for two reasons.... First off I know that there are no more major house targets so now alliances might start forming, and I just hope that I am a part of them, and secondly I don't think many people know where Eve's head is at and whoever she puts up will absolutely be a blindside 

KRISTINE:

Oh my goodnessss Im so glad that Eve kept me safe this week. It really really sucks that I’m playing veto though... especially since Austin is up there as a nominee. I really think I should throw this Veto because I really need to keep my middle ground. I want to work with Eve for sure but Chris is just like pulling me into all this craziness with a big alliance and everything it’s really too much sometimes. I’m throwing this veto hard asf and this one BETTER not bounce back lmao. Anyways I hope this works out for me. 

JESS:

The relationships in this game are definitely becoming super evident and transparent right now. From the top of my head I can name at least 4 sets of duos, budding friendships, and alliances. This what I think so far.... Gwen, Silence, and Austin are an alleged thing. How do I know: Will told me because Madison spilled it to him. (Brien hasn't told me yet and I'm sure Madison has told me so that is SUSSSSSSS) As a result of that... I know: Will and Madison are close which means Brien/Madison/Will should be close just by association through Madison. Madison has come to life so it wouldn't surprise me if she was friends with a majority of these boys because apparently that is her thing. Brien also seems to be spreading his social seed around so those two are kind of scary to me but as soon as I expose they are dating I think there will at least be some paranoia there and people will target them. Will was an idiot and shared his screen so my ass took a screenshot to see his alliances and I do know he has one called "Rws League" so I know he's at least withholding that info from me. SO SUSSSSS but also can't blame him for not sharing alliances with me? We will work on that though. Next up we have: Kristine, Chris, Brien, Emma, Emma How do I know: Brien spilled the beans last round. Do I think it's 100% a thing not really but I do think there is a chance it is a thing. The idea of this being a thing is soooo scary to me because this group has sooo many other outside connections. Brien has Madison because well they are dating. Kristine and Chris are close I think? Emma and Def have that Galore thing but who knows? (I honestly don't think the Galore thing is an actual factor in this game) Kristine has Eve and that whole duo thing fucking scares me because I think they could both run this game if they wanted to do so. Where do I fit into all of this? I have no idea. I don't have anything outside of my day 1 alliance of Kori/Emma/Eve/Mackenzie/Myself and the weird Brien and Madison one. I know I need to make more connections so people won't nominate me or if they do I'll have the votes and the connections to stay. I know Brien has hinted at wanting to make an alliance of 5 with myself, Eve, him, and Madison but he's really pushing for William as a fifth. Which I would be fine with IF I didn't know that he was already close with Madison. I don't like power imbalances not in my favour in alliances so...  yikes. I feel a bit better about my position in the game right now. I do think I've at least gained some ground on people like William and Andrew. I want to trust Kori and work with him going forward but I'd be dumb to think he's not doing the same thing and planning for the future where the alliance implodes. I just feel like with Kori it is so hard for me right now to get him to give me info. I feel like I'm the one who constantly has to talk to him first, give him info first, and try to basically encourage him to TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS GAME and it is driving me insane. I'm trying not to be paranoid but that just scares me and shows me that just because I think I can trust someone it does not necessarily mean the feeling is mutual or at least it isn't at the same level of trust I have in them. This is probably paranoia all talking so don't mind me future episode reader.

CHRIS:

All right so I survived Potentially eve putting me up. I only assume that she would because her and Andrew seem very close. I know that I am on thin ice with some people however hopefully the nominations will stay the same and I won’t be back doored. If anyone in my alliance wins and they want to take down Austin, I might convince them to not and just shove all the votes on silence. If all the vote go on silence then Austin will still be here no matter what, which would then still have power trap, Jason’s book club, and underwood slongs are still intact. Soon this game will take off, and there will be no easy targets. When that happens I am hopeful all my appliances and the relationships I made or help me walk towards the end

KORI:

So, this kindof sucks? Like on one hand I'm glad Eve won HoH because I want her to raise her target so that she'll eventually take the fall, and because I know we're good and she won't be looking to nominate me or backdoor me for a solid while yet. Still not exactly a fan of how it went down since she did LITERALLY nothing in the challenge until the last hour. Mackenzie did all the work in my mind she should've probably won the challenge. The part that sucks is that she nominated Austin AND Silence, two of my Mandela Moncoles Alliance members, which means I can't actually win POV even if I'm capable of doing so. (Granted I'd have thrown even if she nominated one of them.) Because then I'd have to choose, that could expose things, yadda, yadda, yadda. I might come to regret throwing POV because it could lead to myself being backdoored. But I also am hoping the game I'm playing is like I don't know, not complete shit that I won't be in that kind of situation this early on. There's still some people where my relationship is pretty lacking and balancing that last challenge when I'm in 2 alliances was just a complete cluster-fuck, and here's hoping that if it IS Silence and Austin, that Silence is the one that goes. I feel like Austin is easier to manage, even if he's a little less active. Like Silence is ok, but we don't need more drunkeness and shit. Hopefully whoever goes my relation to Gwen and whoever stays remains UTR. Though the nomination situation might change post-veto. I'm also currently debating snagging the Utilities when I have enough money... I dunno, it just seems like it could be a good purchase for me, since I don't predict I'll be in a situation where I'll actually be able to get Boardwalk and Park Place. We'll see what my options are closer to the time.

ANDREW:

episode 3 why tf would chris come for me, he asked me to be his ally the other day like thats annoying af. he pissed me off "i see that william billed me. i now give myself permission to destroy him without feeling bad" mission accomplished i want to win this HoH so far im doing pretty good and im confident i can win if i keep it up the only thnig im worried about is i told my bf id hang out with him at like 7:30 but. might have to blow him off jk not ruining a relationship 4 this game but i hope i can win lmfao Chris pming mackenzie to get me out Ur ass is going up if i win mf Ur an idiot. I hate every man in this competition except brian and dem i like actually dont wanna try anymore these bitches are so fucking annoying like i will try but i dont fucking want to i hate kori and chris i hate chris so fucking much Eve is in first place and she hasnt done shit which is lowkey annoying af but its whatever For some reason i feel like Eve is going to do me dirty this week, I don’t know why i feel this way but I just do I see her as big af competition like probs my biggest, i hope she doesn’t see me in the same light because i don’t want her gunning for me@ Daily reminder I hate Chris I know it’s going to be a bitch to take him out of this game But i will go down trying Omg! Austin winning veto is fucking dope cuz i completely expected him to go home this week lmfao And i think he likes me still despite the whole chris thingy (i informed him what happened and how we will no longer be working together) EVE has informed me that there are sides slowly forming in this game, I tell her I'm scared bc I don't get much info, she tells me to stick with her and she'll have my back, so tht's what im going to do :heart: I trust her, the bitch is smart and people like her. her word seems genuine, she doesn't need to be making a deal with me, i have no power and she has all of it, so thats why im trusting her word rn 

JESS:

Well time for a tipsy confessional. Guess what? People aka: Kristine think me, Gwen, and Tawni are close? That's fucking news to me. That kind of really bothers me because I don't get how she'd come to that conclusion.... which means someone on a call spread that to Kristine. Somehow. The only people on call with the 3 of us were Brien/William/Madison I think so rip,

AUSTIN:

So... I was nominated this week. But guess what? I won the mother fuckin’ power of veto and saved myself. Now Tawni is on the block next to Silence as Eve’s replacement nominee. I’m in an alliance with Silence so it would make sense to vote out Tawni. Most of the house wants Tawni out I believe so I’m pretty sure she is going home.

TAWNI:

I’m probably gone TAWNIToday at 5:11 AM Part of me wants to quit because I’m annoyed But I’m not a quitter At least physically leave the game quit I’ve just given up I physically feel sick TAWNIToday at 5:18 AM I wouldn’t be in this position If this was the time o was going to bed and not waking up everyday Or if I could be more active at work And this happening right after I’ve had to deal with the add contacts shit Like and everyone is mad at me because I have a bad taste for cheatham in my mouth when I have a valid reason to be mad at him but everyone sees it as I’m mad he voted me out But when have they heard me talk about the others that did Everyone in the community believes what they want to believe And right now I feel like I’m seen as the bad guy TAWNIToday at 5:29 AM But someone is saying I have connections in this game And I don’t I talk to Jess and brien Two votes won’t save me My fucking connections are in here And no one here can help me The worst part is the fact if anyone drafted me I like let them down. And like people have said before no one really cares about the draft like that but it’s like people had faith in me or at least hoped I’d win and I came up short. And on a comp I’m able to get a 12 on and I just couldn’t do it TAWNIToday at 6:23 AM I just don’t understand what I did Because eve saying it’s not personal doesn’t make sense. I’m not a physical threat. I haven’t come close to winning anything. I’m not a social threat clearly because no one wants to keep me where. And she said I was always going to be the renom???? And now I’m the target? And she’s mad at me for being upset?? I’m I just that big of an idiot that I don’t see her logic? And yes I’m still crying TAWNIToday at 6:34 AM It’s seriously taking everything in me to not go off in the house chat. I have so much anger and hurt built up inside of me right now. From getting out on TS and having everyone hate me to getting put on the list and not being able to defend myself not being able to defend someone I consider a friend after I got them put in that Situation and now because I don’t even know who started this thing about me having connections. I

MACKENZIE:

hiiii currently trying to decide who i’m gonna vote to evict hzjjzjzjz ummm hoping me or jess wins hoh next round ummm also kristine still scares me

GWEN:

Tawni will be going home. So much has gone down in the last few days. I was on VC with Silence and he didn't realize that Madison was on and mentioned an alliance with us and Austin. And now people think we're in an alliance with Dem. How that happened? I have no idea. Also, people think that the "Old ladies" of Tawni, Jess, and I are in an alliance. Not true. Soooo that is a good reason for Tawni to go home. I DON'T TRUST BRIEN THAT SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH...LOVE YOU Brien, but you gotta goooo dude.

JESS:

So I'm just here eating a bagel kind of hoping I choke on it because maybe it'll put me out of the misery that is this GAME. So much has happened this fucking round. First of all Kristine trying to paint me, Gwen, and Tawni as a trio... super cute. She couldn't be more wrong.This is the second time Kristine has been shady towards me so she needs to fucking go. She won't go for a bit because Eve thinks 'she has Kristine" but I don't so she needs to BOUNCE. I don't trust Tawni one bit. She's too emotional, she literally admitted to hating me for A YEAR for a past game move I don't even remember or the game.. Gwen is also just... way.too.much. So that is a big yikes. So Tawni has to go. She was going to go regardless because of her comment she made towards me about being mad at me for a year. So that had to go for me before jury started because nope. not listening to that all game. I'll let Eve think she's protecting me from others but I would have pushed Tawni to go because she has the MOST dirt on my gameplay in this game. So this all works out. HOWEVER, MY BOO ANDREW IS KEEPING STUFF FROM ME. I'm heart broken. LITERALLY HEART BROKEN. I'm hearing he knew about the alliance of Gwen, Austin, Silence, Dem but he didn't tell me. Now he's trying to pretend like he's hearing this shit for the first time and I'm just overrrrrr it. This is strike one for him. I know he's close to Austin. So that's probably why everyone knows about this alliance. Austin probably told Andrew and Chris. I think Chris told Brien who in turn told me.. and everyone else because he's... Brien. I've also found out that Chris/Kristine/Emma have recently played a game together so THANKS JACOB for casting them together. That there is also an alliance with Brien/Chris/Gwen which is cute. Will use this info later on. I just think there's way tooo many unknowns for me in this fucking game but I don't want to win next HOH because I would want to nominate fucking Kristine. She doesn't trust me and I don't trust her. I'd be so tempted to nominate Kristine/Austin just to shake shit up. But one could only dream and that'd be dumb. I'm so happy Mackenzie is starting to see through Eve's shit. I really hope she starts playing as her own player because I'd make her my #1 so fucking fast. I obviously can't agree with her straight up because she might go back to Eve but... Eve does treat her and me like we are her bitches. We HAD to give Eve the advantage, we HAVE to take out Tawni for Eve. I can't wait until people start seeing through her shit and she goes but not only I've secured myself in this game..

KORI:

So like legit, Tawni has CRACKED. She got really emotional on call with Gwen and Eve, she's apparently HARDCORE throwing Gwen under the bus. I'm just sitting here drinking my tea like: https://media2.giphy.com/media/3o7btLQZrOU4ssEew8/giphy.gif It looks reasonably likely that Tawni is going to go home as a result. What's interesting is that this week I feel like revealed a dynamic to me of Madison-Brien-Tawni-William, that I think I wasn't aware of before. I also just did a clutch maneuver towards what I believed to be peak Chaos, Me and Gwen went and bought the utilities. Ideally I'll be the one in control of how we use the Utilities no idea what the power is yet because we're so BROKE we can't even trade them to a single person to hold... so that's fun. I'm excited though because I feel like it's the first thing I've like DONE. Granted this probably removes any Chance I have of getting Boardwalk/Park Place. But I'm totally fine with that, the odds of me getting that whole set was low anyway, this one is at least obtainable and there's a chance that I might get some more of the lower properties too. Brien is honestly probably a snake though based on the conversations we've been having lately. But I'm not gonna look to make some giant waves. Like if I win HoH next week I'll probably nominate some combination of William, Dem, Andrew, and Madison. Just gotta see how this week goes first. (And actually win HoH next week. Probs won't happen... we'll have to wait and see.) In other news I just launched my ORG series Survivor Zenith YAS! It's stressful hosting an ORG but like I'm excited too, so here's hoping that goes well and that I'm still in this game when I finish hosting it.

EMMA:

shit is gonna be wild next week cant wait to make a confs and not be boring yeehaw

BRIEN:

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx