#its fucking awful on all sides but everyone should be aware of it bc its hitting us all definitley not just trans women

[cascadianights]

This goes double for trans men, who will inevitably unfortunately lose more people when you first transition - especially as youre suddenly barred from most queer spaces that laud themselves as women+ - and even more when you are actively labeled with "mean toxic masculinity" for learning to have agency and identity outside of hiding as small as you can be your entire life

one thing you have to get ready for as a trans woman who's about to come out is certain cis people are going want nothing to do with you afterwards. we all know this, we all talk about this. transphobes going transphobe

but what i dont think we talk about enough is you need to be prepared for a second wave of this. it will come later. it's not tied to anything body change or surgery or whatever.

trans women are treated so poorly by society that we inevitably shrink. we learn how to exist in the spaces that will have us, even if that means cramming ourselves into boxes that don't really fit, being treated in ways we often don't like, doing things we often don't like doing, often even fucking people we don't want to fuck.

at some point, you're going to learn to stand up for yourself. i don't say this to scare you into thinking you'll become a 'mean trans girl' or whatever. but just like transitioning in the first place, it's change or die. you found the first safe harbor and fashioned your anchor to it but you can't go on living with people who don't respect you, working a job you're too smart for, living a life you don't really love.

and when you do, there will be cis people in your life who only liked that meek, quiet girl who would do as she's told. some of these people were malicious, doing it on purpose because they've known enough trans women to know who's vulnerable. some are doing it unintentionally, believing themselves to be a good ally, you've just gotten angry and bitter (this one hurts the most). and some just plain won't like the person you really are, having only known the people pleaser they got to know.

but it's change or die. if you're not you, you're not living. there are so many better people just waiting to love you, but you won't find them chasing after cis approval. and girl, i promise you, you deserve so much more than what you're getting right now. be strong. you've been strong before. i love you.

[altf4d3lete]

Episode One this is single-handedly bringing back my obsession even though it never left

- its 2022. Why is everyone freaked out bc a girl wears all black. Like people do that on a daily basis nowadays

- PUGSLEY POOR GUY :(

- “I want names” didn’t you JUST see them walking away from the locker

- Stop shoving him in a locker tied up is actually so mean wtf

- I see people use this piranha scene as justification that she’d be okay with murder, but really it’s justification that she wouldn’t be okay with people hurting her friends and those she cares about AT ALL. She’s trying to KILL these guys just for bullying their brother. Imagine what she’d do to Tyler for hurting Eugene and Enid.

- The intro is SO fucking cool

- Emma was so far down on the list of actors and now my girl is #3 behind Jenna and buscemi. She’s a main character now B)

- If I were Wednesday I’d be pissed too. I CANT with the parents. Like I love you but RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER 😭

- It’s five minutes in and I have so many notes

- Have to say again with the “terrible, they’d know I didn’t get the job done” that Wednesday is MORBID, not okay with murder unless she deems the person deserves it

- Ergh there is clearly so much discrimination against outcasts

- Weems and morticia r lowkey giving homoerotic rivalry…

- I FORGOT HOW FUNNY WEDNESDAY IS

- I genuinely can’t even like… I CANT WHY DID WEEMS PAIR HER WITH ENID 😭

- Guys Enid is SO cute holy fuck. She is UNPHASED bro, she’s just so excited to have a roommate she’s so cute I’m sobbing. She just wanted to accept Wednesday.

- YALL WHEN THEYRE WALKING DOWN THE STEPS WEDNESDAY LITERALLY GRAVITATES TOWARDS ENID. LITERALLY RUNS INTO HER

- Wednesday just lies about killing two kids to Enid and Enid just moved on like nothing happened.

- Also HELLO? THEIR BANTER? Enid takes NO shit 😭

- Hmm part of me wonders if those wolves howling were making fun of Enid.

- They’re literally leaning into each other wha

- “You better watch your back” and Wednesday is behind her that’s so funny

- How do you go from “cute but clueless” to “obsessed” enjax was lowkey forced whereas wenclair had chemistry from the beginning

- AW PUGSLEY HES SO CUTE

- Wednesday being a housewife will NEVER make sense

- I know people hate the relationship between Wednesday and morticia but it’s very realistic. You can easily tell they still love each other despite the harsh words.

- YEESH THE HYDE TORE HIM APART (I think this works with my theory that the more Tyler is aware of the Hyde, the more controlled his attacks get. Which also means that he knew what he was doing when he killed Kinbott, leaving her alive to taste her fear. And he knew what he was doing in the forest when he tried to kill Wednesday and nearly attacked his father)

- WENCLAIR FIGHT THEYRE SO FUNNY TOGETHER THEY ARGUE LIKE AN OLD COUPLE

- when did Wednesday check out enid’s blog. How and why.

- THE LITTLE SCOFF BEFORE “you mean emojis?”

- Enid huffing is crazy girly is ANGRY

- The way they just stare each other down is crazy wenclair is SO full of banter I forgot how hilarious they are

- ENID SIDE EYES WEDNESDAY SO MUCH

- Bianca lowkey eating everyone up…

- Bianca is so aggressive in her fighting style, whereas Wednesday is precise. It’s really cool

- THE GASPING IN THE BACKGROUND AFTER “let’s see if you bleed in black and white.”

- Xavier scoffs so much in this show and every time he does it lowkey makes me hate him more

- “No good deed goes unpunished” okay elphaba

- Girly was smiling when she was about to die.

- DUDE WHY WAS XAVIER LEANING OVER HER? WHO DOES THAT? JUST SIT DOWN NEXT TO HER.

- “Call it instinct” shut up actually

- Bro she had NO clue who Xavier was 😭

- It bothers me that ppl think she cared Xavier was in the coffin. She just wanted to see the godmother come back to life fr

- THING HAHA MY FAV

- I would be flabbergasted if my therapist read the equivalent of my journal before our sessions. She never should have been sent that.

- Ergh Tyler…

- The deep voice lowkey sounds really forced, idk what it is about Tyler’s voice but it bugs me. I think it’s the way his lines always kinda have the same delivery.

- Twenty bucks when he probably makes that in like half a day of work 😭

- The pilgrims look like such dorks bro who are they tryna scare 💀

- Why are they asking her if she’s “been with a normie” that’s so weird

- “THIS LITTLE THING TOOK DOWN THREE BOYS???” HELP

- Her playing with the necklace means everything to me

- Damn the hiker was the third victim

- The sheet music doesn’t match what she was playing but that doesn’t rly matter

- Love that enid went from disgusted to things bff

- Their roof scene is so meaningful to me. They work so well together. Enid doesn’t need anyone but Wednesday and Wednesday doesn’t need anyone but Enid. Enid teaches her how to relate to others and feel empathy and Wednesday teaches Enid to unapologetically be herself.

- Nero :(

- Them bonding is so cute 😭 this is rekindling my obsession

- Notice the immediate disrespect from Tyler but Enid gets close with thing so quickly

- Damn Enid is suspicious. Bro has some killer instincts

- “Hint taken” and Xavier proceeds to KEEP talking to her

- So Wednesday gives Tyler a time and place and you’re telling me it’s just a coincidence that those three pilgrims show up at that exact time at place? Literally there WAITING? No way. Tyler had to have told them, sorry about it.

- I lowkey feel bad for Weems. She’s a little controversial but she was just trying to do her best for nevermore

- Nah man that was an absolute ploy. There’s no way they just happened to know where to be. Tyler was trying to keep her from leaving. He already knew who she was by then and that they needed her.

- Rowan was so conflicted he didn’t deserve to die. He was just trying to protect people

- The way she scrambled over to him even after he tried to kill her :(

- YALL I LOVE THIS SHOW WTF 😭

[spiked-mall-goth]

can we hear your barbie thoughts?

okay heres just the copy paste from my letterboxd. (whew wee is it LONG)

i was so excited. that one is on me.

movie so so confusing. i thought i was in for like an absurdist comedy, but it was like forced feminist political commentary?? do NOT get me wrong on this one okay, i have seen so many people get torn to SHREDS for saying that they didn't like this movie bc they hate #girlpower. i am not one of those people. but idk abt u guys but i feel like its not that hard a concept to have a good female empowerment movie without just telling us straight in our faces that its female empowerment ALL. THE. TIME.. felt like i was being spoon fed with a forklift. theres this really cool special tactic called… subtlety.. wow its a crazy thing. they spent so much time shoving a message down my throat they.. forgot what it was.??? like they lost track of what they wanted to say like a million times over it was annoying. they said so much to mean so little. messaging so muddled the barbies literally interfered with a fucking government election and got away with it. they didn't want the kens to have any power so they took them away from the pink house and voted without them to put themselves back as the only leaders. the fuck barbie. i feel like the solution in barbieland was not to just fucking reinstall the matriarchy but instead work together as one to create an idyllic society where the barbies and the kens can live side by side without one towering over the other. the kens were not being horridly mistreated b4, but i understand wanting to be treated better. and i could have some mild sympathy for them, but as soon as they took over barbieland they just treated women like shit making them doing everything for them. and yes that is no good, but its interesting to me that the barbies did not take this as a lesson at all?? like they did not look back and really go, 'huh,, maybe you should ALSO have rights bc being seen and treated as inferior is not okay.' no they took it as an opportunity to shove more fucking glitter coated instagram infographic #positivity down my throat. i understand that this was kinda the point, to be like look! this is what its like and the 'just be yourself' solution means nothing in the end! just like the real world! but why would i want that? why would i want a backwards version of a fucking corrupt system that doesn't work? it doesn't work this way; flipping it, well guess what it still doesn't work. this is fucking barbieland, i WANT them to all be happy and equal in the end! i don't want to think about how awful everything is! its a fantasy world, why would you want to model it after the horrible deep sucking never ending vacuum into the black hole that is the real world? its my barbies and kens (and allen) and damnit i think that they should be happy. also side note, how tf did the kens brainwash the barbies??? like the fuck was that? to me that implies that the barbies also had the kens brain washed to be only accessories. like whoevers in power just has control over the other group? this movie makes everyone like a fucking monster.

can u believe i have more to say? turn back now bc i will never stop typing.

ummm kinda hated that random ass woman and her child? and i hate even more that i can refer to them as that. they were horridly bland fucking ONE dimensional characters. no personality, no real development, nothing. just a forced under-devloped mother daughter sub-plot that if my mother had seen would've cried and made me feel like it was my fault for growing up. (normal mom behavior or just me….??)

mattel, you fucking sleazy greased up wet RAT. you canOT,,, okay listen to me… CAN. NOT. make a movie like 'corporations bad! they dont hire women! rampant consumerism bad!!'. baby girl look in the mirror, its not funny, its not being 'self-aware', it makes me feel,, bad. like you can get away with anything bc you actually can. making literal cartoon goons of yourself as some sort of distraction from all of the very real major issues that are happening in the real world corporate mattel company is rancid. you can to be as 'self-aware' as you want but the bottom line is that you just flat out dont care. you won't change anything. trying to be funny about it makes me feel sick. you can't make capitalist consumerism the movie and try to be like 'yeah thats so bad right guys? you guys also hate corporations?! great!'. you cant have your cake and eat it too.

i liked allen. allen sweetheart baby girl darling dear honeybun beloved i'm so sorry the filmmakers hate you. dude literally had like 6 lines. justice for allen.

out of all the 'shameful' barbies i was actually most excited to see the inclusion of video cam barbie!!! i wanted that bitch soooo bad.

laughed a handful of times, as fucking painful as the depression barbie ad was i laughed really loud at the bbc pride and prejudice joke. i thought the godfather joke was also very funny. some of the doll jokes were funny, but its like okay guys this was low hanging fruit to begin with lets not repeat them like ten times over. the n-sync allen joke also got me. i know i laughed a bit in the theater… but as of right now i'm drawing a blank on standout jokes. that says smth huh?

i like the big ken dance number when they went to like abstract reality zone. that was good. now just remake this movie but like that. it needed to be more loose and fun, alter reality for a dance number! do that!! i want some goddamn old hollywood type of just nonsense sequences. the song was not good tho tbh.

costumes and set were… objectively very good! do NOT get me wrong. the team behind it is very talented and they did an awesome job! however. they went for more of a 'generic barbie' look for the barbies costumes and for barbieland. which to me ended up looking more haunting..? idk WHY but the lack of actual dolls just chilling around made the few real dolls stand out like sore thumbs. that and also it felt like edward scissorhands type of suburbia. complete pastel hellscape. the thought of living in a 'perfect' pink pastel world where everything is the same everyday forever and if ur slightly different you literally get banished forever is horrifying. wheres all the girl power huh?? what happened to women helping women??? nope, you look kind odd?? sorry we hate you forever.

the ending was also just a hot hot garbage fire. whhyyyy did barbie decide she no longer wanted to be a barbie……? i feel like i missed that part since we were so focused on ken. oh so its bc she saw just a fuckinh home video slideshow?? yeah okay whatever just roll credits so i can leave now pls. a gynecology joke. really?

feminist movies do need to be made. but why with barbie? she has never been a feminist icon. this isn't her domain. she's just barbie. and trying to attach real life feminist issues to a fucking plastic doll to be bought and sold, to be commodified doesn't sit right with me. shes not meant to be this complex guys, and i feel like they just completely fumbled on that. to me barbie is just there. you play dress up with her, take her on fun adventures, play with your friends, you don't pick up a barbie doll and go 'wow i would just love to have this woman be groped and then come to terms with the real world and its many problems'. thats stupid. i was in for a fun little roadtrip adventure movie with barbie and her friends. and this was just too much.

this movie was not fun and whimsical to me. it was drab, it was horrifying, it was depressing. i wanted to have a brief escape from reality, but instead i was faced with the same atrocities of everyday life but hot pink and glitter coated. which only added to the awful feeling of 'it will be this way forever.' it wasn't a silly movie about being a woman and what that means, it was a faux women power movie made by massive corporations trying to tell us that they are hip and relatable and that you should buy so much merchandise. it was just one big reminder that capitalism will live forever and it will only get worse because everyone just eats it up if its brightly colored.

[cheerupbabyy]

i genuinely have no words or power in me to express how i feel and what i think about all of this

but i will try

as a white european person i had no idea and i still dont know if its my place to say anything but what i DO KNOW is that racism or any other type of discrimination angers me to my core

idk why i feel this way what is it that makes me feel this way but it doesnt matter because this is how everyone should feel

i have been seeing stuff on every possible social media platform trying to set my mind straight and understand all of this and its been really hard

NO NORMAL FUCKING PEOPLE WITH COMMON FUCKING SENSE IS GONNA KNEEL ON SOMEONE'S NECK FOR ALMOST 10 MINUTES THINKING THAT EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE OKAY AND THAT THEY CANT HARM THE PERSON

THROUHJ MY ENTIRE LIFE I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE BUT TJIS LEVEL OF HATE HAS NO ANSWER AND EXCUSE FOR IT CAZSE THIS IS SICKENING

DURING ALL THESE DAYS I'VE BEEN SEEUNG NOTHINH OTHER THAN STUFF ABOUT THIS SITUATION, PROTESTS AND SPREADING AWARNESS AND SEEING ALL THESE VIDEOS OF OTHER SITUATIONS LIKE THE ONE WITH GEORGE AND NOW STUFF FEOM PROTESTS AND THE WAY PEOPLE ARE BEING TREATED

i am sick i feel sick my head hurts

so much anger and sadness is filling me up and i wish to fly out to USA and march among other protestors and stand side by side with them to fight this bullshit

i feel sad for USA cause it seems extremely scary to live in such an awful place

but i feel mostly heartbroken for black people and everyone who gets opressed and discriminated against for being who they are

FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT

i pray for black people, i pray for george floyd and his family i pray for the protestors and everyone out there in any kind of danger

idk what else there is to say idk if i worded myself correctly even with everythinf i said but i dont think it matters

bc all that matters is i stand by #BLACKLIVESMATTER and i will continue to pray for everyone currently fighting the system and everyone who is in danger

[daphuu]

[1/2] Hi, it's ace anon again. I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian but it took me a long time to realize that and kind of come to terms with it a little. And I'm getting better about it but I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone. To me that adds to the confusion because maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction

[2/2] because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong? But it feels different with romantic feelings, and I'm sure about those so idk... It's complicated. I know that's a lot to unload on you and I'm sorry but do you have any advice on figuring things out? I know this is a lot but regardless of if you answer / what you say you've already really helped me with your previous answer so thank you!

Hi hiiii!! I spent last night thinking about this, ace anon! 💜 Here we go—

“I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian...”

So if I’m reading this correctly (and I might not be! Sorry!) then you’re saying you might be homoromantic (a woman romantically attracted exclusively to other women) but the idea of having sex with a woman is off-putting to you. That’s totally normal, ace anon. Our society has normalized straight sex in all forms of media so much that at first the idea of non-straight sex is mind-boggling. How would that work? What would we even do? The idea of sex itself can be scary on its own. What if I’m no good? What if they don’t like it? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I upset them by doing the wrong thing? But you know what, anon? Everyone starts somewhere. Cliche, yeah, but cliche for a fucking reason. (Or maybe not a “fucking” reason, but still—)

If those are the reasons you’re worried about having sex, try to communicate them with your partner (if/when you have one). I’m going to quickly share with you the three pillars of every relationship ever:

Honesty. You and your partner need to be honest with each other. This honesty needs to start from the very beginning, not just when you start dating or fucking or whatnot. Be honest about your feelings. Be honest about your desires. Telling your partner “Hey, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with xyz yet, but I’m willing to work on it/compromise with you if it’s something that’s important to you” can only help you both in the long run. You know how relationships end? Lies. Unvoiced and unknown expectations that aren’t met. Which brings us to the second pillar—

Communication. Fuck, communication is so so important. How can you know what’s going through your partner’s head if they don’t tell you? How can they know what you’re thinking if you don’t outright tell them? Over time this’ll be needed a little less—as you and your partner get a better grasp of each other, there’ll be some sort of uhhh sixth sense, if you will, that’ll form from regular communication and honesty. You’ll be able to start anticipating each other’s thoughts/needs after a few years. It’s pretty wicked. If you aren’t sure what I mean—do you have grandparents? Still married? Think of their relationship. Comfortable with each other. Still happy together. Anticipate each other’s needs, yeah? Now think about relationships of your friends or whoever around you. Not quite there yet, yeah? Still honeymoooning. That’s fine. All relationships take time! Just communicate with each other at every turn. You aren’t comfortable? Tell them. Explain why. Try to come up with a way to become more comfortable or a solution to end the thing that is making you uncomfortable. You aren’t sure what to say? Say that. “I’m not sure how to communicate my feelings right now. I’m not angry, but I’m not happy. Maybe I’m upset? Can we talk about this please?” Totally valid thing to say. Communicate honestly with each other.

Trust. Trust is so, so important! I’m gonna—you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly with you. You absolutely have to. If they’re lying to you then that’s on them. Call them out if you truly suspect they’re lying. Before that, though—why do you think they’re lying? Why are they lying? Are they just scared of what you’ll think? Hmmm.

I once told my high school students about these pillars. One girl turned to her boyfriend, broke up with him, and moved to the other side of the classroom like five minutes after I gave this speech. #Damn. Oof. F to that guy but I was happy she took my words to heart.

Get out of relationships that aren’t good for you. Be self-aware enough to realize they aren’t healthy. Be self-aware enough to know you always have a way out. There is always a way out of a relationship. Always.

Okay, anyway, there’s my “sex doesn’t have to be scary, be honest, communicate (what hurts? What don’t you like?), and trust your partner. They don’t want to hurt you (unless you’re into that, but I don’t recommend pain play for the first time you have sex. Please, if you end up ever having sex, stick to vanilla sex for the first handful of times you try it!!)

“I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone.”

Why do you feel guilty for being a lesbian? Lesbians are awesome. Well, some are. Some aren’t. You know why? Because lesbians are just people. Everyone in any gender or sexuality or romanticality—we’re all just people. And there are people are great and people who are not-so-great in every aspect of life. There are quiet lesbians, loud lesbians, short lesbians, tall lesbians, annoying lesbians, friendly lesbians, cis lesbians, trans lesbians, etc etc. You don’t have to feel guilty for possibly being a lesbian, anon! I’m sure their community would welcome you with open arms.

You’re anxious about being a lesbian? Why so? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being homoromantic or homosexual or any other -romantic/-sexual, either. What’s wrong with being human? Has someone told you that lesbians are awful? They aren’t, I swear. They’re just people like you or me or anyone else. Well, less like me, bc I’m not a lesbian, but—slsjdbdksls you know what I mean!!!

Serious talk ahead: Anon, if you live in a situation where coming out might be harmful to you, don’t come out. Don’t tell people who would use it against you or harm you for it. Just don’t. I’m sorry to make that sound so harsh, but I will never encourage putting yourself in a bad or worse situation. Maybe you’re restricted to only telling online friends that you’re queer. That’s fine. Woot woot let’s be queer together! Hi! You’ve already told me, after all. I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re quite possibly homoromantic and maybe asexual (or demi, or grey-a) and I certainly am not judging you for it. You could be a walrus and I’d still be supportive of you, anon. (As long as you let me pet you if we ever met, bc I’ve always wanted to pet a walrus. Sofft??)

If you aren’t in a situation where coming out might be harmful, what’s holding you back? Is it just you? Are you afraid of what your family/friends will think? Let me share a thing with you—and this is only if you aren’t in a potentially harmful situation—love is love. You have to consider your friends’ and family’s priorities. Will they prioritize loving you over or under their prejudice against queer people? Why? Hopefully your friends would accept you no matter what sexuality or romanticality you put forth, but I know that some friends are young and silly and selfish and straight-up assholes. Dude. Seriously, if they value you as a person and not just because they think you’re “straight,” then they’ll still value you as a person when you tell them you’re a lesbian.

To reiterate: There’s nothing wrong with being queer. There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with being straight. There’s nothing wrong with any of the -romantics or -sexuals. You’re normal. You’re human. You’re still figuring it out. Telling people you’re a lesbian and then telling them you’re bi like two years after that bc you’ve come to some sort of realization is 100% acceptable. Not being sure about yourself but wanting to share it with others is 100% acceptable. Everyone craves acceptance from their loved and cherished ones.

“...maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction...”

Lemme—being a lesbian isn’t likely what’s making you uncomfortable with the idea of sex. Maybe it might make you nervous about it because you don’t know what to expect, but it shouldn’t be making you uncomfortable to the point you don’t feel sexual attraction. Honestly, anon, just go live life. When you have a romantic partner, you can figure it out with them! Tell them straight up from the get-go that you aren’t sure how you feel about sex and that they’ll have to be patient to work through this with you. They won’t judge you or put you down for it—and if they do then you know they aren’t right for you. Never let someone pressure you into having sex.

I’m an uncommon (not rare) asexual who enjoys sex. I didn’t think I would at first, tbh. Actually, until I figured out what I liked, I hated sex for like the first year I was doing it. Sex can be nice. It can be causal and silly. You can laugh during sex. It can be really hilarious sometimes. I love sex where everyone’s laughing bc of silliness. You don’t need to fear sex, anon, but I’m going to throw this at you: if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of having sex, don’t force yourself to have sex. If you choose to have sex with a future partner or something, that’s fine and dandy, but honestly? It’s not a race. If the people around you are expecting you to go start having sex whether you’re comfortable with it or not, then you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Your friends should be supportive. What I said about those three pillars of a relationship—they apply to every relationship. Friendship, partnership, family bonds, romance, sex, everything.

You don’t need to feel sexual attraction to the people you’re romantically attracted to in order to be whole or valid or normal or whatever people want you to be. You really, really don’t. Just be yourself. Another good cliche for another good reason. Being yourself is so freeing. React to people how you wanna react, not how you think they want you to react. Sex and romance aren’t the same thing and they certainly don’t have to be. You can have sex without romance. That’s valid. You can have romance without sex. That’s valid. You can have both. That’s valid. You can have neither. That’s valid. There’s literally no wrong choice here. Don’t get yourself down about who you are, anon. You’re perfect the way you are, I promise. If there’s a part of you that you don’t like, either come to love it or change that part just enough that you can love it. But don’t change yourself because of what you think people think you should be like. You won’t recognize yourself in the end. Just be you, yeah? <3

“...because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong?”

Being a lesbian feels wrong? Or the thought of sex with another woman feels kinda wrong? Let’s unpack that a bit.

Why might being a lesbian feel wrong to you? Several options here:

You were raised to believe that anything other than heteronormativity is wrong. You feel ashamed of your lesbianity because of that.

Media. “But we’re on tumblr! The queer community is so welcome here!” Yeah, but it’s not so welcome pretty much anywhere else. Media—music, movies, shows, news—has been depicting straight as the good positive norm and anything not-straight as bad negative unnatural freakishness for years. Sorry, I meant “decades.” Think about that for a hot minute. Only recently—the last decade or so—people have started putting forward the concept of “queer is okay??” in media, and even then it’s with a bunch of awkward question marks. Yeah, we’re getting about this, but being comfortable with who you are is difficult when everywhere you look in the world you see people hateful of certain parts of you.

You aren’t a lesbian. Yeah, I said it. I know. “Wait what I thought you were supportive oh no!?” Hahaha look!! Listen! Maybe you aren’t a lesbian. Who knows? Maybe you’re biromantic, or maybe you’re panromantic, or maybe you’re something else you haven’t discovered the right label for yet. I suggest doing some research. If you can’t look it up on the ol’ home computer, libraries exist for a reason. They have computers. Go duckduckgo some shit about sexualities and romanticalities. I’m 100% sure you’ll find way more helpful stuff out there than whatever I could tell you about lesbians. I’m not a lesbian. I don’t really know what being is lesbian is like. I’m sorry I can’t help you out here.

So you have some options to think through. If it’s one of the first two—I’m so sorry. Please know that the world is as vast and differing as its people. Everyone has different opinions and share different thoughts about everything. Complicated, yeah, but ?? Idk. Just know that you will encounter people who are supportive and adoring of you at some point in your life. Get out of whatever bad situation you might be in if you can. Please. Be safe. Be strong. Be sure. <3

Or, if you meant that the thought of sex with another woman feels wrong—

Why? I know I’ve been asking you that question a lot. I was a high school English teacher. Trying to make my students use their brains and question everything was quite literally my job. I like teaching people to think for themselves instead of accepting everything someone else says. On that note—please know that in some or most cases I might be completely wrong about everything I’m saying. Take my words with a grain of salt. How reliable of a source am I? I’m just some random chick on the interwebs. You don’t know me. I might be just sitting here lying my ass off. (I’m not.) Please please please pull your information from multiple reliable sources so you can be sure that the content you’re learning about such an important matter is factually true. Don’t teach yourself misinformation. Got it? Good? Gucci? Cool.

So, again, why? Why do you feel that way? Why? Is it the thought of sex at all that feels wrong? Is it because it’s with another woman? Is it because you don’t know how to do it? Is it because you’re scared of it? Is it because of some past incident or abuse? Why do you feel like sex with another woman is wrong? This might sound odd but honestly???? Look up lesbian couples. Lesbian porn, even. Shocking. I know you’re saying “!!!!” in your head right now. Relax. I’m not just saying “hey kid watch some pornnnnnn!!! Hehehhe!” I’m trying to say that if you’re (not a minor, first of all, please please) uncomfortable because you fear the unknown or because you think it’s weird, look up some basic amateur lesbian porn. I say “amateur” because that shit isn’t a huge fake production like the usual professional stuff. The professional stuff is really weird tbh. If you prefer watching that, fine, but just know that it isn’t very well reflective of what actual sex with a woman might be like. Once you’ve watched some of that (cheeks flaming, heart racing, forehead sweating, eyes wide) and come out on the other side (laughing, hopefully, because oh my god isn’t porn so awkward and funny to watch???) then consider why you feel the way you do about lesbian sex. Consider if your opinion has changed. What caused that change?

I’ve had sex with women before. Use lube. Use lube even if you aren’t having sex with a woman. All people having sex should always use lube. Idgaf if you’re “self-lubricating” and “totally wet enough already!” Use more lube anyway. Just throwing that out there. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! That’s a mistake I see a lot of people who are new to sex make. They won’t use enough lube and then they’ll wonder why they hurt or they’re bleeding a little or whatnot and it’s just—lube. Lube is your friend. Water-based lube is the best, I think. Get some of that flavored stuff that tastes good to both you and your partner(s). Have at it, anon. But don’t worry about that stuff unless you actually plan on having sex one day.

I’m sorry. This whole post is verging on The Talk I gave to my youngest sister bc her mom is useless with this stuff. My youngest sister is a lesbian. She was terrified at first. “What if I’m terrible,” she said. “What if I don’t like it?” She asked. She cried a lot that week when she figured out she was a lesbian. She came crying to me. I answered her questions about relationships and sex as well as I could. I’ve had sex with members of every gender I’m currently aware of. I have a lot of advice to give about everything. She knew that. She’s pretty happy and she’s just started her first lesbian relationship with some chick from her school. They’re pretty cute together, ngl. She’d kill me if she knew I was talking about her, though, so I’m going to just leave it at that. Yes, being not-straight can be terrifying and nerve-wracking at times. I’m so, so sorry you might feel this way. Please know that you’ll have support from more corners than you think you might. And if you ever need anything, I’m right here along with the rest of the queer folk who certainly won’t judge you for being whoever you are. 💜💜💜

[flying-elliska]

I almost feel like I have to rediscover my love for Skam France again because season 4 left such an awful taste in my mouth and I couldn’t even enjoy rewatching season 3. It still feels that way, but I do hope my original love for it will come back. I thought it was bc I also fell for Robbe and Sander that maybe I had just moved on but I’m planning to do a clip by clip rewatch of my fave Elu/Lucas moments and see what happens.

Hey anon ! Well, that's somewhat understandable. I enjoyed some parts of s4, but they did make some very questionable decisions. It's normal to move on, I guess 😂 and well, you can't force these things.

I think, on the whole, I was really disappointed by s4 ; it reminded me of watching OG s4 live, a lot of potential and good intentions but kind of a tire fire in the end. But over time i've learned that sort of comes with the territory of being a skam fan. At its best, the 'skam cinematic universe' produced some amazing, sensitive and compassionate teenage stories esp lgbt+/MI rep. But sometimes it can also be messy and tone deaf and reproduce harmful tropes, esp when it comes to POC and the handling of Sana's season. I think it's important to be aware of these shortcomings (the fandom is often not very good at discussing these). And I certainly won't tell anyone what they should judge a reason to stop watching or feel betrayed. Personally I tend to adopt a sort of "make your own canon" approach where i focus on the parts of a thing i love and kind of transform the rest through fic or whatever. I focus on the potential of the characters, and i've always had this feeling that they also belong to the audience.

But that's not everyone. I tend to stay attached to a pairing/fandom for a long time but a lot of ppl move on quicker. Personally i really didn't like wtfock, but there is nothing wrong with moving from one remake to the next 😂

As for s4 itself...It's hard for me to be entirely dissmissive of the season because of knowing how important it was to Assa, or that it's still miles ahead of most rep on French Tv, by having a complex black Muslim protagonist as main, by showing a loving Muslim family, by bringing up certain topics that are just not discussed at all in France...But it's important to recognize also how they fucked up by letting the girls' casual racism go unchecked, centering Manon's problems so much, or making the drama so heavy, as well as not showing enough of the positive sides of Imane's faith. I feel like I personally learned a lot from both the season, and the discussions around it, and I love Imane a lot. But I also understand why people are angry. I think it's up to each of us to decide if it's a breaking pt or not. But I think it's important to learn how to love things and also recognize they can be flawed as a learning opportunity (and why.) I love skam france s3 to the moon and back, but i know they have made bad choices in the past, esp regarding the girl squad ; so i'm...tentative about next seasons. I hope they learned from their mistakes ; and that their success will also pave the way for more characters like Imane to the screen, with a better handled story.

[talkingismylifewrites]

babe.... bAbe..... u can’t give them the Good Dad Rog shit and the. not follow up with the hot space angst.................... it’s what the people Deserve

i copied this verbatim from our chats so like, if its choppy that’s why. also, this is like….part 1 of what is really 85 pages of hc’s all about hot space so like…more to come??? sorry for the angst

it begins with brian having cheated on chrissie

and dom, who is pregnant with baby #5, takes Offense to it

basically dom gets chrissie her divorce and sets her up with crystal, who has always had a Thing for her

and while in the middle of handling this shit because dom is kickass, dom comes to the decision that Brian Is Wrong and Needs To Be Taught A Lesson

so she convinces ronnie to her side and is like, we do not interact with brian for as long as it takes for him to realize he fucked up

so basically hot space is such shit because dom and ronnie are like for however long you support brian we will not have sex with either of you

like you want to be there for him? fine but your hands gonna be there for you instead of us

john immediately is like good luck brian hope you figure your shit out

kinda backfires actually

roger and john are like uhhhhh

well this is a shame certainly bc we love u

but also

ig we…. gotta fuck each other

Oh No

they’re so smug about it until they receive an envelope from home

its pictures of both women together in various positions

john gives in first but roger is annoyingly stubborn when he wants to be

And that’s why John don and Ronnie all get to go to Bali

they come back

And roger has moved out

and he’s like. uh. can i? am i allowed to see the kids

and they’re like wait what?

and they’re like OF COURSE WHY DID YOU MOVE OUT???

and he’s like. you uh. u said? that if i stuck with brian that we were like. done. and like brian’s a fuckhead and chrissie deserved none of what he did but uhhhhh he’s also like. my best friend and he’s going thru some shit even if it’s self inflicted u know and um. you guys have each other i guess so like i knew you’d be okay but i just.

i’d really like to be able to see the kids

and fucking miami ends up at the door

with all the NDA’s and legal shit they sorted out

like ok so, here’s how separation is going to work

and they’re like wait no no no we just–we were just upset???

but roger is like but you threatened to end our relationship and withhold sex unless i give in to what you guys want and i’m sorry but i…i can’t do that

and miami is literally like you. you all. left. and you took the kids with you. you left a NOTE

what the fuck did u think he was going to think?

and they’re like WE TOLD HIM WHERE WE WERE

WE THOUGHT HE’D COME

miami is like

“bali” is not an invitation 

 like no you thought you could manipulate him into bending to your way

that doesn’t COUNT

miami is Team Roger

which is how they know They Fucked Up

and roger just kneels down before their little army of kids and gives them giant hugs and is like no matter what i will always love you guys

and then miami like takes him outside and is like i will take you all for everything he’s owed

and roger goes and lives with freddie

brian ofc has NO IDEA any of this is even fucking happening

maybe thats when roger starts The Cross

and its all angsty heartbroken shit and Johns like HE’S QUIT THE BAND

and the three of them are like shit

we do not work together without roger

miami ends up being like the weird go between who picks up the kids for their weekends with roger

and they beg miami for information

and miami is like you do not deserve to know how he is

and crystal is like look, i get that you’re supporting my girlfriend but now you’ve hurt my best friend and my boss like…do you understand how your actions have fucked me???

and roger isn’t really? doing well? but he also know he can’t afford to fall apart because if he goes to shit there’s an excuse for him to not be able to see the kids???? and like he doesn’t wanna think they’d do that??? but he only has legal rights to like. three of them.

and the thought of never getting to see all of his kids keeps him up at night and he spends a lot of time drinking

like a lot a lot

and he writes all the kids letters from where he’s holed up working on the cross and he makes it sound like hes! doing! so! well! on! his! own!

the kids get little gifts delivered? like all the time

bc he’s always thinking of them and he has the money to just.. send them trinkets

ugh ok so they’re separated for a while then like. just under a year maybe?

rog moves out of fred’s after two months

when it becomes apparent that uh

this isn’t

he gets his own little shitty house

this might be for Real

and he tries to get one with rooms for each of the kids

and when they come to visit he’s like look here’s something for you and bunkbeds for the twins that aren’t twins and a pool and maybe we can get a dog?

but the kids just want to pile into bed with him

but one of them like is crying? and john’s like whats wrong? and she’s lke do you think papa is lonely in his big house who’s going to cuddle him at night he’s all alone

and johns like……….. fuck

 like not only have we broken the best relationship we’ve ever been in but we have broken our children too

the kids asking roger in the big puppy pile in his bed and he’s like well i cuddle you all SO MUCH while your here that it it keeps me warm even when you go home

that why i hug you all as soon as i see you!!!! i need a top up of your love!!!! gotta keep me toastie warm :)

and freddie is a fucking liar he’s like roger is doing BETTER THAN EVER he is so FUCKING HAPPY NOW and hes like ROGER IS THIRTY FLIRTY AND THRIVING AND YOU GUYS ARE MISSING OUT ON HOW HOT HE LOOKS NOW

like POST BREAK UP HE’S TONED AND FIT AND HE LOOKS AWESOME

flash to roger sitting on the floor of the kitchen in his boxers without a shirt on just sobbing into a pint of rocky road ice cream

roger: vaguely emaciated, surviving on cigarettes and gin and tonics

he hasn’t shaved but the man can’t grow a beard so its jsut ugly patches of hair

but!!! like the other three really only see him when the kids are around and??? yeah??? he looks good!

because no one can KNOW because as far as he’s concerned they didn’t want him

like he’s dressed nicely. he’s lost a bit of weight but well he’s hit his thirties so maybe not the Worst thing even if they did Love His Pudge

and he would never ever ever scare the kids by showing them how he looks

freddie’s like oh yeah roger’s GREAT

SO BRILLIANT

and you can’t tell he doesn’t sleep and has massive bags under his eyes because that is the dawn of the prescription sunglasses

TRIED TO HAVE HIM AROUND FOR SCRABBLE THE OTHER DAY BUT HES JUST GO GO GO THESE DAYS

freddies like you should hear the songs he’s written like that stuff is GOD

(the songs are just him weeping over a guitar track)

cut to the other day: freddie and roger playing scrabble for thirteen hours in between crying jags

the next day: chess, but the pieces are shot glasses

freddie is like in bed next to jim like i dunno how much more alcohol we can drink i’m running out of ways to make him drunk enough to forget

so jim makes him garden with him bc it gets him out of the house so he even gets a TAN but they just drink SO MUCH WHISKEY

 then ronnie and dom and john are like look at him he’s golden tan he looks gorgeous

  but the kids are like DAD HAS A STRAWBERRY PATCH!!!! AND WE PLANTED SUNFLOWERS TOGETHER

 and jim is like he’s only evenly tanned because when he passed out in the garden i rolled him over so his back would get tan too

  and yeah they’re like??????????? he looks so good????

and miami lowkey thinks hes helping but he is NOTbecause every time he sees him he’s like okay we can get you think much from your combined fortunes and the beach house and i can make it so you have custody of your legal kidsroger: they’re ALL MY KIDS MIAMI

but rogers mainly like i’m not gonna separate any of the kids that’s????? no. like. they belong as a family

 even if i’m not……. part of that family….. any more…….

 roger is like look i just want to be able to see them. i won’t take them form their parents and miami is like roger..you’re their parent too

 and roger is like no i’m just like, their uncle now?

 like i’m not in that family they made i clear that i am not allowed

A N Y W A Y S

 ronnie is the one who sorta caves first

 she’s lke look we started this and i kinda pushed for us to end it so i’m gonna fix it

 john wont bc of the band dynamics, dom is top aware that it could splinter the group back into two couples, ronnie is really the only one who can

 yeah and ronnie sorta. just shows up at his house in the middle of the night

 and like (luckily for him) he’s just got in from a thing for the cross

 so he Doesn’t look fucking awful

 but he’s also fucking exhausted so he opens the door and is like FUCK are the kids okay!!! shit!!!! dom??? john???

 and ronnie’s like everyone’s fine i just. i missed you?

 and roger’s like. he’s so tired he’s just like ronnie….. i can’t do this right now. you can’t. you can’t just show up here

 that’s not fair.

 and ronnie’s like…. well. she wasn’t sure how she was really expecting it to go because. yeah. they’re literally not been within about 50m from one another in fucking months

 but she was. hoping at least for an “i miss you too”

 but roger’s like. it’s really late, i’m… gonna go to bed. i really, really cannot do this right now. i’ll see the kids on friday.

 and so ronnie goes home and bawls her eyes out to john and dom who are…. also kinda shook?

 like. they were NOT expecting roger to turn her away like that, that’s… yeah. but like roger has been mostly by himself this whole time. like they’ve had one another but he’s. just been sorta trying to learn to keep his head above water by himself again and. it was actually a dick move showing up there unannounced. like, they basically left him with little to no warning they can’t just try and walk back in the door y’know?????

 and anyway on friday miami comes to pick up the kids and ronnie is like uhhh i’m coming with

 and miami is like uh. disrespectfully speaking? you fucking are not

 and she’s like oh :) ur not taking my kids then

 which. is just. another bad move? tbh

 miami is like. right. fine. can i use ur phone to call the other father of ur children to tell him that one of their mothers won’t let him see them

 and ronnie is like go right a fuckin head

 and dom and john are sorta there like ronnie ronnie wtf are u doing ronnie

 but ronnie’s like nah i’m calling his (miami’s) bluff

 and dom is like no, uh, roger can have the kids

 but. miami calls

 and ronnie is like not mine he can’t its all or nothing

 he’s stood there in their parlour

 and like obviously they can only hear his side of the conversation

 dead eyeing ronnie like i fucking hold this band together out of sheer will

 i can outlast you no matter what

 Miami: Hi Rog, Miami. Yeah, yeah, the kids are fine. I’m at your old place right now, actually. No, yeah. No. Well, actually, Rog. Veronica says you can’t have the kids this week. No, she didn’t say anything to me about it before. No, no. I’m sorry, Rog. I know, I’m so sorry. She hasn’t said anything about next week yet. Yeah. Yeah. It’s alright, it’ll be alright. We’ll work something out. I’ll come right around, okay? Alright. Okay. I’ll let them know. Yeah, I promise. Just like you said. Won’t change a word. See you in a bit.

 and ronnie is like what did he want you to say to us?!!!!

 and miami just straight up blanks her and dom and john

 and walks into the living room where the kids are, all ready to go

 and is like hey rugrats!

 (which is totes rogers nickname for them)

 and they’re all like!!!! uncle miami!!!!! are we going to see papa now???

 Veronica is like ho don’t you fucking say it

 and he’s like i’m really sorry guys (and ronnie goes to interrupt but he stops her) but daddy has the flu

 and the kids are like!!!! oh no!!!!

 and he’s like so you can’t go see him this week :( he’s really really upset about it, and he HOPES he’ll be better next week because he misses all his little nuggets so much

 and the eldest is like???? but!!!! our hugs keep daddy warm!!! if he’s sick he needs to be warm he can’t be cold!!! who’s going to recharge his cuddles???

 and miami is like well he said if you all hug each other reaaaaally right he can feel it! so long as you all keep giving each other lots of hugs he’ll keep tight and cosy

 and he goes to leave and is like to the three of them like…. i cannot believe that you are actually doing this. i didn’t know you could be so cruel

 and off he trots

 and ronnie is like. fuck

 fuck

 FUCK

 and the other three would be like ronnie what…what the fuck was that???

they end up having…. a huge fight over it

 like giant

 like “hi chrissie can you take the kids for a couple of days” fight

 and chrissie is like uh…. i can take a few? but crystal is.     away

 work emergency

 and johns like????? queens on a break????????????

 and dom’s like???? ROGER, JOHN. ROGER IS THE EMERGENCY

so they’re like trying to find babysitters so they can fight it out but also maybe go to roger??? 

 because the work emergency is code for roger is trying to destroy himself via alcohol poisoning

 like miami knows the second he hung up that roger as going to just drown himself in whisky

 so he used a payphone to call freddie and crystal

 and is like i don’t care what you have to do or how you do it but you need to be at roger’s yesterday

 but brian isn’t looking after their fucking kids

freddie isn’t home

 and jim has heard what they did

 and hes like that was fucking cruel

 crystal isn’t home

 miami is gone

 fucking RATTY doesn’t pick up

 phoebe straight up was like freddie told me if i watched hte kids he’d kill me

 he was like i am not even allowed to be speaking with you thank you and goodnight

so they call mary and they’re like please mary

and mary is like as far as i’m concerned if you’re that worried about roger watching his own fucking children i do not know why you would call me as the better option

like fuck you you think roger can’t be with his kids and now you want to DUMP THEM ON ME??? “and anyway, i’m just stopping at home for the booze i have here. we’ve all been banned from the liquor stores with in a ten mile radius of…… a place.”

 eventually they manage to scrounge enough family members on john and ronnie’s respective sides

 but it. genuinely takes like over a day

 everyone is either straight up just not answering or, if they are at home, not willing to step in

[meanwhile miami is on the fucking warpath he is like you wanna play chicken? i’ll roast you for dinner VERONICA he’s writing up a custody agreement so tight it will tie them up in court for years like he sits down at roger’s kitchen table while roger is profusely vomiting up all the alcohol he had and then some and he’s like they’re gonna fucking pay

he’s getting the kids and the houses and over half the money and the royalties and here is a list of available bass players because HE GETS THE BAND TOO]

 but yeah john ronnie and dom end up having a giant, fuck off, end all fight

and dom is like. u realise we just took his fucking kids away right

 and johns like for fuck sake chrissie is FINE do you really think she wanted me to tank my career and for all of us to blow up our entire family because of her????

 but the problem is. it’s BIGGER than the chrissie thing now

 johns like she knew what she was getting into and she knew he was a cheater when they were fuckign dating

but really it was like, six different fights that all boiled over in the name of Chrissie’s Honor and then

the biggest thing is that like, 

 when they were in bali

 they did fully think roger would come

 and but then he didnt and the spent 3 weeks getting angrier and angrier at the situation and him and brian and it spiraled into this black ugly mess of shit

 and they didn’t realize how vital roger was to keeping them together like he’s the fun dad so the kids have been acting out more becasue he’s not there to get them to blow off steam

(plus like, the kids just lost their dad??? like he doesn’t live there anymore he’s at a different house and that is big)

 and he’s the peace keeper (surprising despite his tempter but everyone else like stews he’s the only one who’s like lets talk it out)

 and he makes them all coffee in the morning so they’re all vaguely caffeine deprived

 and now ronnie has fucked it all TWICE first by showing up and then by TAKING HIS KIDS and dom was like when we had baby#2 and it was clearly rogers we promised him we SWORE that he would never ever ever take them away from him

 like we said that as long as he was their papa that was IT he was their father and we would never ever take that from him

 and ronnie’s like i didn’t MEAN IT he should KNOW I WOULD NEVER MEAN THAT

 and johns like. ok. but uh. how would he know

 bc

 i mean. we sorta

 did take his kids away from him

 when we went to bali

 when we went to bali for a month

 and again

 and then

 now

 five days of the week

 and now?

 i mean

 we have been… slowly taking the kids away from him

 three weeks ago we made him give them back a day early so that we could do to the beach

 bc we could only do it…. as a family…. on the weekend

 and then two of the little ones (one of which is his) was sick and we kept them home

 because. him seeing his kids is inconvenient to us

 and we had them on the actual day of his birthday

which you know is his favorite day of the year because the kids make him breakfast in bed and wake him up singing happy birthday

 so. us just pulling the plug isn’t… really all that unrealistic is it?

 and dom and ronnie sort of get defensive and backing each other up

dom is like no!! we have NOT!!

and ronnie like how dare you

 and johns like. ok. but see this is the problem

 this was the problem in bali too

 like its us vs. him

 we all get caught up in defending ourselves

 when he’s NOT HERE TO DEFEND HIMSELF

 that everything we do seems right

 and he should… just be grateful?

 to have us?

 to see the kids?

 and that we have proven that if he doesn’t agree with us he doesn’t haveus?

 like originally it was just sex yeah

 but then it was clear that you wouldnt budge

 and neither would he and why should he have brian has been there for him longer than he’s even known me

 like brian is terrible for cheating but he’s roger’s brother and we literally made him choose his family and when he wouldn’t

 we chose for him

 and, as we’ve established, chrissie is FINE

 and a grown woman

 and roger knew that better than any of us because crystal was filling him in on EVERYTHING

 she probably didn’t fucking need the two of you, and then me, ripping apart our family, the band, and the various social circles we run in

 or even WANT us to do that

 and dom’s like……. i really miss him

 i’ve been trying really hard not to

 bc it’s easier to be angry

 and i didn’t want it to seem like i love him more than you guys

 because i know it can be hard sometimes like not falling into those couple-y behaviours

 and i didn’t want to do that

 but i really really miss him

 but like, roger is my first

 he is my first real love and i love you both so much but he’s my roger

and. it’s been really hard watching [youngest] hit milestones and rogers not here to see them

 (and they tried to be nice and send videos and pictures but its not the same!!

so they just stopped telling him hoping that the kid would do it there and roger would think it was the first time

but that just made roger feel like they didn’t care enough about him

to be like oh hey your kid’s walking sucks that you had to learn form the older kid insead of the other parents)

 and dom’s like. and it’s made worse because. he wouldn’t have let this happen if it was one of us

 and john is like. uh

 and ronnie’s like fuck. no. ur right. he wouldn’t have

 dom’s like. right back at the beginning he was always saying that he’d make sure we were all involved in the kids lives no matter what that this wouldn’t happen he wouldn’t let it

 and we did it to him

 and ronnie is like. how the fuck do we fix this

 bc shit like that. like their youngest hitting milestones???? like that feels like something they stole from him bc they can’t give that back

 for like the first time john actually cries

 and is like what have we done

 and yeah. the fight just sorta ends with all three of them in tears and just. sort of silent

 because maybe that was the biggest issue

 because. what the fuck

 because chrissie was pregnant and maybe dom was pregnant and they were like imagine this was us

 and we got cheated on

 and so when the whole Bali Thing happens the kid is like maybe 6 months?

 so roger genuinely misses over half of this kids life

and kidlet just. doesn’t have the same bond with him???

 because there’s so little you can be there for when you get every weekend 

 and roger knows

 but the other three don’t because they haven’t seen him with the kids?

 but the kid just cries the whole weekend and wants his “daddy”

 kidlet isn’t really comfy around roger and neither, really, is their second youngest who is withdrawing

 and roger is just like???? these are my KIDS

 and the second youngest is roger’s

 and i’m a STRANGER to them

 and he tries so hard! but the other problem is like, we have so many kids

 and i am one person

 like he is stretched so thin

so he can only do so much like if hte baby is crying he has to take care of the baby sorry oldest ones i can’t go play outside with you

and the three of them just realize, like, what have we done???

cut to roger’s house he’s just lying on the floor not even crying just laying there his bedroom is ruined because he hung up with miami and just trashed it

and is laying on his floor like i want to die here

john calls while the Roger Stomach Pumping Emergency Squad are on day three of their duties

 and crystal picks up which is. it’s not the BEST he could have hoped for, which would have been freddie, but it’s the second best bc crystal still nominally works for him

 (crystal is like i’m gonna fucking quit like i will take the cross to the NEXT LEVEL even if i have to KILL JOHN TO DO IT)

 and johns like ok this is. i’m just calling to say that i’m going to come around tomorrow? i’ll be there are 12. i’m not asking for permission, but i’m just calling to give you a heads up. to give roger a heads up

 and so. they uh. sober roger up. do their best to make him somewhat presentable? (does not work. he refuses to shave or shower or get changed out of his Depression Pajamas. he swills some mouthwash, they call it a win)

(depression pajamas are john’s pants and the joke shirt ronnie and dom bought him for his birthday years ago thats like save a drum bang a drummer)

 and then. they go upstairs, just leaving miami downstairs except he’s Not Allowed To Talk

 he is there, strictly, as roger’s legal representation

 miami just holds all the papers for legal divorce and separation the papers that are going to FUCK THEM UP if roger says so

 and john shows up and he’s like. oh. um. this isn’t. this isn’t really a legal talk?????? and miami is like yes well y’all do have a history of Technical Kidnapping so

 can’t be too careful 🙃

 and roger just. doesn’t give a shit

 he’s like miami can you shut the fuck up

 like what the fuck do you think johns going to do that’s worse than break up with me and refuse to let me see my kids?

 what, have you all gangbanged my mum too? just for a giggle?

 and john is like. uh. no. winnie is. un-gangbanged. as far as i know.

 and rog is like well there you go, everything appears to be Just As Shit as it was yesterday and no worse

 and johns like look. i just. ronnie honestly didn’t mean that you couldn’t see the kids, not at all. she just. she just wanted to see you and the kids were… leverage? sort of? which sounds awful

 and roger is like. yeah. that sounds pretty fucking awful, actually

 and he’s like where’s my alcohol and miami is like as your legal representative and your medical emergency contact i must advise you not to drink anymore as i do not believe your liver will survive

 (miami [visibly jots down john calling the children leverage])

 but yeah rogers like. well. here i fucking am.

 and johns like. this is all. it’s all fucked up. we love you? we never stopped loving you? this has all spiralled way out of control. the girls were just mad about chrissie and

 and roger is like?? do u think i give a FUCK about chrissie???? none of this was EVER about chrissie on my side. this was about the three of you deciding that our relationship with acceptable fucking collateral for you to throw about to win arguments and get me to do what you wanted

 [miami in the corner scribbling it all down]

 that’s now how relationships fucking work, john. and i never thought you’d take my children away from me for it.

 and johns like. i know. i’m sorry, we’re sorry. it honestly just grew out of control. when we were in bali we thought you would come and then it would have been fine, but you didn’t and we got angry and

 and rogers like?!! i didn’t do what u wanted so you ran away with my children for a month

 i couldn’t have come even if i WANTED to

 “gone to bali” is not a fucking address, john

 (and the thing is when they wrote that? it was tongue in cheek. it was a “come find us”. but, well. that didn’t work out as intended, did it?)

 like they thought of course roger would like, call miami to find them or hell ratty or something like they all have the same credit cards they could figure it out…right?

 and johns like. i’m sorry. can you. would you be…. interested? in talking to all three of us? we love you, and we miss you. we want to try and save this

 and roger is like i dont know

 i don’t know if it can be saved

 and well. that’s enough to get a foot in the door because.    his kids. roger would grin and bear his way thru 16 and a half years of painful awkwardness on his part of it means he gets to be with his kids as they grow

 but he’s not saying yes

 he’s saying he’ll talk to all three of them together

 but miami will be there

 and miami is like 💅

 and so they set a date for the next monday

 and this time roger is wearing like. a fucking suit, he’s all scrubbed up

 and they’re like???????? what the fuck

 (john totally went home and told the other three how terrible he looked)

 but this time like. it’s…. it’s make or fucking break like if they walk out of this and he can’t see it being salvaged then… that’s it

 he’ll be giving them the (kindest) separation and custody agreement’s that miami has drawn up

 miami has like three all drawn up and ready depending on how it goes

 one is niceish one is harsher and the last is scourged earth

 nice: they get half his assets, he gets friday evening-sunday afternoon and ¾ of all school holidays

harsh: ¼ assets (minus property and future royalty income from existing tracks), friday afternoon school pick up- sunday evening, and all school holidays apart from three days beginning and end, weekends, and potentially visitation right son Public Holidays (such as christmas day)

scourged earth: ½ present cash assets (nothing else), friday afternoon pick up - Tuesday morning drop off, all school holidays minus weekends (excepting public holidays. so if xmas day falls on a sunday? too fucking bad)

 miami is like i will wipe the board with you if he asks and i will not hesitate

 and he WILL be going to court to attempt to win rights to have ALL of the children involved in those custody agreements (miami thinks they have a case given how many interviews they’ve given over the years referencing how the children view each other as brother and sister)

 plus there’s like squatter’s/commonlaw rights

 yeah basically miami is. uh ready to destroy

 like roger is the common law parent because he has lived with these kids in that house for 7 years

 roger’s one request was just can i have enough to buy a house big enough for all the kids to come visit and can i just see them? like even if its once a month i just want to see them

 miami is like i gotchu fam you’re my favorite tell the others

 BUT YES SO roger is like i’m really just here to see if there’s anything to salvage.

 and like

 dom immediately bursts into tears

 she hasnt seen him in person since he LEFT

 and because??? how could there not be??????????

 dom is willing to give ANYTHING to fix it

 and ronnie is like. horrified. she keeps going to reach across the table to hold his hand before catching herself

 and she starts. she apologised for what happened the other day, for crossing that line

 and rogers like… it’s been coming for a while now

 because he always knew one day the kids would stop coming

 like either they wouldn’t let him see them

 or the kids wouldn’t want to come see the guy who was once their dad but now just has his own home

 like the two youngest already don’t want him

 so it makes sense

 yeah.

 and dom’s like… do you still love us?

 because i still love you

 and rogers like. i. i could never stop loving any of you???? but i also cant ever forget the past year and the things that have happened either

 That’s what makes it hurt the most is like I still love you?? I will always love you you’re the mothers of my children and John you’re their father like you’re raising my kids

 and johns like well. love is a start, yes?

 and roger’s like. yes. but i love my kids more, and. i spent the last year hoping we were just… going to work it out. that this was going to stop, but it hasn’t. it’s got worse. and i suppose it’s a good thing that you did what you did last week because instead of the kids being slowly taken away from me and me having to accept it over time, it happened all at once and i can’t take that. i Won’t take that again. and so now i know that if this isn’t going to work out that i am Going to have a relationship with my kids, if i have to fight you all in the courts for it

 and ronnie’s like we’re not? we’re not going to fight you

 and miami that sneaky bastard pulls out the SCORCHED EARTH custody agreement and is like so you’ll sign this?

 and dom’s like what the fuck is it?????? and he’s like custody agreement. in the event of your separation from roger, dominique, and/or his departure from the home you share with john and veronica he would be entitled, by contract, to have the children (ALL OF THEM, those children being those who were born between 1974 and 1983) from friday school pick up to tuesday morning school drop off, and the entirety of school holidays apart from weekends.

 and johns like fuck. that’s. a lot of time

 and roger is like? i haven’t had all of the children together in over a month

 and ronnie is like fuck. you haven’t, have you? there’s been….

 and miami picks up another piece of paper and starts listing off reasons

 Because he’s been picking them up and dropping them off and every single time one of them isn’t there he writes it down

 dentist appointment, flu, stomach bug, school trip, trip to the beach “as a family”

 They watch a roger visibly flinches at the “as a family” comment

 and dom just signs it. plucks it right out of johns hand who is trying to read it (or the first page) and flips to her page and signs

 and johns like fuck!! dom!!!

 and she’s like. roger wouldn’t ask us to sign anything that would be detrimental to the kids OR to us

 we used to fucking know that, john

 She’s like Roger is their father first and foremost and he has the right to as much time as he wants from them. If they miss us I will PERSONALLY but them their own phone line to call us but he gets as much time as he wants with them

 and like. john and ronnie aren’t going to sign, not without their lawyer there to check it out, but. that sign from dom? is enough to get roger to agree to try

 to agree that maybe there’s something to salvage there

 Even if it’s just with dom

 Because she was like I have faith in this man and I do not plan on ever losing him again so I’ll sign anything because it’ll never come down to it

 Yeah because. well. he can live with that if it means he gets his kids

 he can live with knowing that he’s not wholly Wanted in this relationship

 if he’s… wanted a little bit and he gets to watch his kids grow up every day

 it’s 16 and a half years

 that’s doable

 He will do what he needs to for his kids

 he loves those rugrats so fucking much

 he stays at home SO MUCH for the next like. year. bc he is BUILDING that relationship with the youngest two

 Like the rest of the break? Is because roger will not leave the house

 He is like nope not working I’m with the nuggets

 And Freddie is like bring them to the studio just come

 Like it’s just him with the kiddos

 Writing and trying to get his babies to love him again

 And he’s like I’m never leaving you ever again

 That first tour? Is ROUGH

 like it is hard for roger to leave and he almost is like I can’t do it I can’t leave them what if they forget me again??

 Which just adds to the angst because they did that to him

they made him doubt that his kids really love him

so then like, fast forward six-eight months???

oh my god even when they get back together? and get comfy with one another to start having sex again (which takes A WHILE) roger is suddenly. really adamant about using condoms

ugh he’d be sneaky about the condom thing at first too. like. he distracts them? clever fingers, clever mouth, encouraging them to help each otherlike it takes. a Distressing amount of time before finally dom is like I Want You To Fuck Meand that’s when That Whole Thing goes down 

she’s like c'mon like how we used to

and roger is like uhhhhh i can’t do that

because you might get uh, pregnant

and the other three can’t think of anything better like yes this will reunite us

an roger can’t think of anything worse because the thought of losing another baby?? he wouldn’t, uh, he wouldn’t survive that

and they’re like????? look if u slept with someone else like. ok that…. hurts. but. get tested and if ur clean it’s fine

and rogers like. no

that’s not the problem

dom has straight up a breakdown about it when she realises what the issue is

because roger is GOOD with kids

roger LOVES babies

but he’s like i do not want to have babies with you because i cannot guarantee that you won’t take the baby from me again

and roger is just sitting here uncomfortable

while dom weeps and john and ronnie are like what the uck is going on

but. he’s not. he’s not comfortable? this doesn’t feel like a family he’s 

building for keeps anymore

not really

it feels like something that can, might, will be taken away

he’s like look we can call it what we want but i get it i’m here for sex

and that’s great!! i love sex!! but i’m not going ot risk it

and the baby starts crying and roger sorta. automatically goes to get up before being like. oh. uh. it’s probably better if one of you goes. she. she’s not comfortable around me, she won’t settle if i go in

its not fair to the kids (because that’s who he’s really messed up over)

like they were so upset and it’s not fair to have them have to like, be separated form their homes and from their parents

roger is just so natural around the kids?

like u honestly wouldn’t even notice that he’d been gone

he slips right back in

he’s a bit distant for a few days, learning the new routines, new schedules, new favourites, new dislikes

but once he’s got it? he’s back in there

but just. flinching away from the casual touches that pass between the four of them

 so later dom fucks john and forgets a condom and has a pregnancy scare

 and roger is like. weirdly……. fine

 and dom is like??????? what the hell ur ok with this??? if i am pregnant?

 and roger is like…… i haven’t decided yet

 and dom’s like wtf do u mean? and he’s like. it would be a dick move of me to just leave ig. so perhaps we could separate but i’d stay living here in a separate room from the three of you?

 and ronnie is like? those are the only two options for you

 we’ve been back together for like eight months

 and rogers like? and we were separated for over a year

i’m still not sure if this is real

AND THEN

freddie calls john one night like. a month or so after the condom revelation (which they’ve all been. sorta sadly going along with? like it ruins the mood a little bit each time bc it’s a reminder that something’s a little bit broken here), and is like. look. i. i really shouldn’t be telling you this? but i think he’ll end up regretting it because i. god knows WHY but i have faith that you guys are all gonna pull thru this. but rog’s munich trip next week for the cross? yeah he’s booked in for a vasectomy.like he wouldn’t say anything because he doesn’t want them to make it a Big Deal

 and they’re SO UPSET but they’re like we can’t tell him not to because…if he wants to, he wants to

So when he comes back from munich 

 they think he had a vasectomy

 John is like how does one check for that?? Does his penis look different???

 Does his sperm taste different?? How would we know???

but one night he just goes to ronnie Just bends her right over and is like let’s do this and it’s the hottest sex they’ve had

 like they have INSANELY HOT SEX and they’re all. laying there. happy and sated. rog is curled up in the middle super asleep and the three of them are just all wide awake staring at the ceiling like huh. what feels weird

and then they realize and they’re like he didn’t use a condom so that means…..

:(

 and then they just PANIC

 Like ROGER

 ROGER YOUR CONDOM

 and he’s like oh my godddd shut up i’ve gotta be up for swimming lessons in like. five hours oh my god

 and ronnie is like maybe he did maybe he didn’t but like YES YOUR SWIMMERS ARE THE ISSUE RIGHT NOW

 THEY MIGHT BE SWIMMING

 IN ME

 ROGER

 and roger is like is…that a problem??? 

 and like they’re panicked bc!!!! he REALLY didn’t want any more kids!!!! they don’t wanna fuck with that they’re finally in a good place again!!!!!

and roger is like, sorry, guess i should have talked to you guys about having another kid???

 but ye he’s. secure again. and their youngest is like. older now. he misses babies. and also miami still got all the old paperwork

and they’re like wait….so you didn’t get the vasectomy??? 

and roger is like lol no

so like, oops, ronnie, you uh, might be uh…pregnant

and they all just sort of fall on top of him because while they’re still not perfect

it’s a start

they have like, five more kids afterwards

also

 veronica, the trooper, still having fucking babies into the mid 90s

 god bless her

 Veronica’s uterus is the real MVP

[chogiwank]

Fortuity: A Chance Encounter - Prince Jaemin AU [Part 1]

Fluff | Prince!AU

word count: 2.2K

FemaleBaker!Reader x Prince!Jaemin

Na Jaemin is to inherit the throne as his father, King Na passed on. His coronation is to take place in a few days, although after visiting a small bakery in town his heart is hit with cupid’s arrow, stunned by the beauty of the bakester. [Part 2]

A/N: i had to repost this bc something fucked up,, but here u go!! Prince Jaemin once again reposted!! :))- Doyoung’s Darling

“My prince, your mother has sent me to call you down for your daily training.” The Butler, Suho says placing a hand on the Prince’s shoulder. “You must get going, Prince. Swordsman Jackson is waiting for your arrival.”

“Yes, Suho I’ll be heading there I just need to clean-”

“Oh no, no Prince, you must head down immediately.” Suho rushed Prince Jaemin out of his room. “You only have five minutes until your training starts, and if you’re late oh boy, I will not be hearing the end of it from your mother - claiming me as a lousy butler, and I can not risk losing this job,” Suho said flashing a nervous smile. “Now please, head down to the training grounds - I’ll clean up your work for you.” Suho gestured him to head down. Prince Jaemin bowed and rushed down the stairs.

“Swordsman! Sorry, I-” Jaemin was cut off as Jackson shoved the protective armour into his arms.

“No time to chat! Put these on Prince, let’s practice because I want to take you somewhere today.” Jaemin stood there bewildered but began to slide on his armour. Grabbing the silver sword Jackson held out for him, Prince Jaemin got in position.

“Okay, you remember everything I taught you yesterday?” Swordsman Jackson raised his eyebrows.

Prince Jaemin nodded. “Awareness, strong defence and balance”

“Forgot one, your highness,” Jackson snickered. Jaemin confused furrowing his brows. “Distraction,” Jackson said stomping his left leg once and moving forward, swinging his sword and bringing Jaemin’s up, sweeping it away flying out of his hold landing on the floor. “Remember your highness, use distraction as your secret weapon.”

“Will do, Swordsman.” Jaemin nodded with a smirk. “Now, let’s continue shall we?” he said getting back into position after picking his sword off the ground.

“Of course.” Jackson bowed and the two began to battle once more.

Thus after a long training period of an hour or so, Prince Jaemin and Swordsman Jackson sat back to back in the middle of the matted floor. Sweaty with heavy breaths they congratulated each other for a successful match. Taking a deep breath, the Swordsman spoke,

“Okay my Prince, now I must take you somewhere for a treat.”

“A treat?” Prince Jaemin said catching his breath.

“Yes, a little bakery I found.”

“But, I’m not sure mother would approve of sweets I must-”

“No no, my Prince,” Swordsman Jackson cut him off. “It’ll be okay, I told your mother I would take you for a walk today in the village, I promise you won’t be in trouble if anyone does it’ll for sure be me.”

“Are you sure of such a decision, Swordsman.” Jaemin raised an eyebrow.

“Of course, my Prince you deserve a break and a little treat, as do I because I am craving a blueberry muffin right now,” Jackson said standing up, rubbing his stomach with a pout. Jaemin laughed as he stood up, walking over to put his sword in the rightful place on the wall.

“Then let’s get going!” He flashed a bright smile, throwing an arm around Jackson’s shoulders.

So, the Swordsman and Prince walked through the village to the small bakery. The smiling sun shining down on them, and the villagers bowing down as a kind greeting. The two passed by a small stall selling brooches, Swordsman Jackson brought them off their walk to take a look at the magnificent pieces. Each one made with different diamonds and jewels, some gold, others silver, bronze and even rose.

“My Prince, why don’t you pick one out? It will surely be a great piece to wear at your coronation when you are to become King…” Jackson smirked. “Or when you finally end up passing your training sessions and get to fight like a true Knight, instead of getting your sword flipped out of your hand.” Jaemin playfully elbowed the Swordsman.

“I will improve, I just need practice.” Jaemin put his hands on his waist and stood up straight on his top toes as if he tried to intimidate the Swordsman.

“Nice try my Prince, but you have a long way to go.” Jackson chuckled, putting a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder and pushing him back down on his feet. “Now, which brooch shall we buy?” he turned his attention back to the stall, making eye contact with the elderly merchant and showing a warm smile. The old merchant smiled with slight dirt and yellow stained teeth, but the smile was none the less welcoming. Prince Jaemin looked around in the open boxes for a brooch which would suit him, but could not find one.

“I don’t know Swordsman. Although they are all an incredible sight to look at, I can not find one that satisfies me, which I feel belongs to me.”

“How about this my Prince!” The Swordsman said carefully picking up a large silver dragonfly brooch. It had shining diamonds making up its wings, two tiny red gems for its eyes and the colour of gold for the legs, “this could fit you well.”

Prince Jaemin grabbed the brooch with his index and thumb, carefully inspecting it, “it surely is a beauty.” He spoke. “But, I wish for something a little smaller.” He apologetically smiled.

“Ah, I have something for you then, Prince” the elderly merchant piped up. She reaches down into her side of the stall and pulls out a small red velvet box. “Here, you might like this. It is fit for such a handsome boy like you, and of course a King to be.” Prince Jaemin took a hold of the red velvet box with both hands, putting one under it and opening it with the other. His mouth slightly parted at the handiwork he’d seen. It was a stunning eagle brochure - made of gold, a tiny blue jewel for its eye, and a pearl the bird stood on - leaving the Prince and Swordsman in awe of such gorgeous craftwork.

Jaemin looks up at the elderly merchant,

“I can not take such an art piece from you, you must take it back.”

“No, no, no you must keep it kind Prince. If I were to take it back, I would be left in sadness that you did not want one of my works.” The elderly merchant spoke in a soft voice. “Please keep it, it will bring me great pleasure if you do so.”

“Oh of course, but how much is it? I will pay as much you ask for.”

“Free of charge.” The elderly merchant smiled. “The only payment I ask for is if you wear it, and not treat it as schlock.”

“You must want some type of cash, merchant - I would feel guilty if I were to take this from you like this.” Jaemin pleaded.

The elderly merchant shook her head, “Prince, if you do not already know, I do not sell these brooches for money, I sell them to be kind.” Prince Jaemin looked at her muddled. The elderly merchant continued, “it brings me joy when other’s have happiness, and if that happiness can come from something which I have crafted by my own two hands, that my Prince, is an even greater accomplishment.”

The Prince shifted his gaze from the elderly merchant down to the jewelled brooch. “So, I can really take this for free? As long as it isn’t treated as rubbish?”

“As long as it makes you happy, yes.” The old merchant nodded.

“Then, I shall take it. I shall wear it and remember it as a vow to be happy with little things in life.” Prince Jaemin pledged with his right hand on his chest and a thankful smile.

The merchant smiled, “you should pick one too Swordsman, after all, there is one for everyone.”

Swordsman Jackson lit up, he reached towards one of the brooches taking a hold of a gold brooch shaped like a crest, with a silver knight in the middle. “I’ll take this one if you allow.” The merchant nodded once again, waving them a gentle goodbye. The two smiled at the elderly merchant for the last time as they turned around continuing their walk to the bakery.

“Finally, we’ve made it my Prince!” Jackson gestured towards the small bakery in front of them. Eats and Treats, the sign spelled on the wooden door. “Shall we head in?” he held open the door with a smile and the two walked into the tiny bakery.

The inside walls and oven were made up of fieldstone, five wooden tables placed were composed of the finest redwood. Flour bags took their place beside the stone oven, cups hung on the wall, and bread put on the side shelves near the front.

“Is anyone here Swordsman?”

“The door was open, so someone-”

“Achoo!” The Swordsman and Prince were taken aback by the sudden sneeze and opening of the back door. The sneezing continued as a young woman walked out with clothes covered in flour, and cheeks a tint of red.

“Ah that damned flour bag! Can that looby not do his job properly? I should’ve told him out a long time-” The young woman caught a view of the two males standing in the bakery. “Oh my goodness! I am so sorry for the inconvenience, my apologies.” The young woman rushed over to the two, she flashed a smile giving a curtsey. “Excuse my appearance, but how may I be of your service today?”

Prince Jaemin stood astonished at the young bakester in front of him. She wore a long tattered gown faded of its beige colour, flour stained her clothes, some in her hair and smudged on her right cheek. Despite her unkempt appearance, the Prince found himself struck by her beauty. Her eyes looked to hold the stars, alluring lips which he craved to lay his upon and her divine figure left him dumbfounded. To him she was the quintessence of pulchritude; she was beauty.

“You know you’ll get a fly in your mouth if you keep your mouth open like that.” The bakester let out a giggle snapping Jaemin out of his trance. His cheeks developed a pink tinge, he turned his gaze down to the floor in embarrassment as he heard the bakester and swordsman’s laughter. Bowing with an apologetic smile for staring Jaemin avoided eye contact with the girl.

“Sorry for that, but may I ask what your treats are for today?” Jackson smiled brightly. “We have to be heading back soon.”

“Our special for today is banana bread, is that fine?” The bakester kindly smiled.

“Perfect! My Prince would you…” Jackson trailed off as he saw Jaemin lost in thought waving a hand in front of his face, taking Jaemin out of his daze. “would you wish to have banana bread?”

“Yes, banana bread would be nice,” Jaemin said flustered over his unintentional stares. The bakester walks over to the stone oven throwing in another wood to increase the fire. Picking up a bread piece from the side shelves she places it into the oven allowing it to warm up. Prince Jaemin looked at her as if she was a piece of delicate artwork. He was solicitous about wanting to know the girl who made his heart swoon. Her name, her likes and dislikes, he wanted to know everything but could he? Being a Prince soon to be King would he be able to?

Finishing the preparation of the banana bread, the bakester placed it in a brown paper bag and handed it to the two with a kind smile. Prince Jaemin and Swordsman Jackson thanked the bakester for her service as they walked out of the bakery.

“Wow, I never thought the highness would make such a jest of himself.” Jackson teased the Prince. “Especially not over a commoner who sells bread.”

“The universe is full of wonders Swordsman, and that bakester is one of them,” Jaemin replies sheepishly causing Jackson to laugh.

“Perhaps you should ask her to attend your coronation next week, my Prince.”

“Oh yes! I’ll return again morrow and hopefully, she accepts.”

“Maybe ask for her name as well,” Jackson said munching on his banana bread making the Prince stop in his tracks.

“Alack! I can not believe to be such a looby! I forgot to ask her name!” Jaemin face-palmed in disbelief - he forgot to ask her name. He was truly an idiot.

“All the more reason for you to return morrow, my Prince,” Jackson said with a face full of banana bread. “I recommend in a more flattering outfit as well.” Jackson once-overs Jaemin. The Prince looks down at his outfit and realizes he still wore his armour from training, mentally slapping himself for being such a fool. Although he never expected to have such an encounter. “Or you can show up in this again and tell her you’re her Knight-” Jaemin smacked his back, Jackson spitting out his banana bread turning into a fit of laughter.

And so, the Prince and Swordsman dawdled back to the castle returning to their duties.

That night Prince Jaemin lay in bed, mind filled with thoughts of the comely bakester. She had a type of elegance and charm from simplicity. He was determined to meet her once again with a glimmer of faith for her to be his, and he her’s. He was truly smitten but could not care as his thoughts would not fathom most except linger on the comely commoner.

A/N: Ahhh!! so this is my first Prince AU for our NCT Prince series and I got a little carried away but it was really fun!! I hope you guys enjoyed reading this,, feedback is appreciated!! PART 2 WILL BE POSTED WHEN AND IF THIS POST GETS LETS SAYYYY....20-30+ NOTES????

REMINDER! Requests are open but smut will be posted a little later for those who requested just so it’s not repetitive and the same type of scenario over and over :))

~ Doyoung’s Darling

[bidrums]

I saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway a few weeks ago

My thoughts (in no particular order):

IT WAS SO FUCKING AMAZING OMG THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BEEN LEADING UP TO AND I LOVE IT OMGGGGGG

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IT’S MY FAVORITE MUSICAL AND I LOVE IT AND MY GRANDMA LOVES IT TOO AND IT WAS AMAZING GETTING TO SEE IT WITH HER BECAUSE WE BOTH HAD SO MUCH FUN AND WERE FLIPPING OUT AT THE SAME TIME IT WAS GREAT

One of the angels in the set actually lower during the Roof and Erik climbed out form behind it. As he let out the “YOOOOOOUUUUUU” it raised up and then he got on the ramp by the chandelier and laughed while it fell and if that isn’t BDE then I have no idea what is

Also when the chandelier fell it started slowly then sped up then when I thought it’d just stop there it fucking SUNG ONTO THE STAGE AND ALMOST SLAMMED INTO CHRISTINE AND THEN JUST SPARKED ALL OVER THE PLACE WHILE EVERYONE SCREAMED AND RAN AROUND AND FROM NOW ON ALL OF THE FALLS WILL HAVE TO BE THAT TO BE ACCEPTABLE SORRY I DON’T MAKE THE RULES

Christine was tiny (came up to everyone else’s shoulders tiny) and petite and had a round face but when she sang her incredibly youthful voice was so powerful and just filled the theater and honestly that casting made me understand the whole concept of why she was so surprising after voice lessons goddamn

Raoul had a moustache and I do not stan

Carlotta was amazing and hilarious but she also had this sense of maturity and weight to her that made her terrifying because on one hand hyperbole but on the other she seemed self-aware enough to know how to get ahead by hyperbole and props to the actress for that

During Masquerade Carlotta basically wore the same ugly Star Princess outfit Christine does (don’t @ me it’s hideous on her) but it had a darker color scheme and had a black veil instead of a crown and that was interesting

The Monkey killed it as usual

Mme Giry was terrifying and yeah A+ casting

Raoul was both super restrained and off the handle like he seemed disinterested and like the actor was phoning it in but also it was like he was acting like a proper Vicomte should and was basically holding in all his emotions because otherwise he’d explode and it was terrifying

All of the actors were so subtle but also over the top like it was great and explosive and I love all of them

At the beginning of Masquerade when Andre and Firmin run into each other they both had on skeleton masks but the capes were covering their outfits. Andre kinda shrugs it back and he’s wearing a suit. Firmin pulls it back in a grand gesture and he’s wearing a FULL ON SKELETON COSTUME AND ANDRE LOOKS TAKEN ABACK AND THE AUDIENCE STARTED DYING AND HONESTLY THAT’S ME AND IT SHOULD BE MEMED

We were front row of the mez and it took a lot of convincing to get my grandma to buy those tickets but then when the chandelier rose up and it was literally at eye level she gasped and when I whispered, “I told you!” she just nodded in awe

Being so close to the chandelier meant that whenever Erik went on that ramp thing it looked like he was staring at us it was great

During Wandering child he pops out of an ivy-colored cross on a memorial and then gets on the wall surrounding the graveyard. It’s super thin and so when he does and holds onto the cross for the Drama it also looks like he’s hanging on for dear life

Thank god they showed Raoul actually running up to Christine and shaking her and yelling in her face during that scene bc the yelling from the side to have her suddenly snap out of it annoyed me. This way it shows how much control Erik actually has over her and also how desperate Raoul gets to break that control

In the same vein during Why So Silent when Erik beckons Christine forward and does the “Your chains are still mine” schtick he just holds his hand out and Christine glides forward like she’s being pulled by the Force and Raoul’s right behind her and holding her hand and looking like he’s going to cut a bitch and its great

We could see almost all of the pit (but not the percussion :( I was looking forward to that but I could only kinda see the guy on cymbals and traps)

The pit was super chill and I loved looking at them

During the Il Auto ballet when Erik would do that shadow intimidation before revealing Bouquet there was one point when he was busting out belly dancer and doing a solo flamenco and everyone just lost it

Also during the ballet the dancers were nervous and dropping things and going out of sync constantly and that was such a beautiful attention to detail

Bouquet’s body slowly fell down after the set just completely disappeared and the dancers had this thing where they turned around at different times, stared in shock for a few seconds, and then chaos happened as everyone slowly realizes it and then the managers were screaming from their box to please stay seated and Raoul almost swan dived out of the box to find Christine and Erik was laughing from the ceiling it was bomb

Raoul swan dived into the lake and part of the stage opened up and he fell on a mat with an audible thud and the entire audience gasped when he just went “YEET” and did it

At one point during Music of the Night Erik just splayed himself out on the gate in what looked like a “take me” pose then Christine was half a second away from kissing him when he seemed to even notice she was close to him and he noted to the other side of the lair so fast it was hilarious

When the mannequin showed up it didn’t look like Christine (thank God) and she was genuinely curious and amazed. When it did a curtsy thing she went ramrod straight, backed away, then fainted on the floor. Erik then ran over to her and gently put his cape on her.

When he held the last note of the song the spotlight on his was the only illumination but you could see Christine getting up and moving to the boat and I loved it

Honestly whenever it was obvious that the actors were moving around in the dark I loved it because it felt more immersive and vulnerable

GODDAMN THE FINAL LAIR SCENE

When the gate comes up Raoul just rolls under int and grabs Christine which was so smart. They spend 0.30 seconds hugging then turn to the gate so fast but it’s already going down and they try so hard to get it up but it’s useless then Raoul throws her behind him and glares at Erik and A+ characterization

When Erik lets them go he makes zero eye contact and that was great

When Christine kisses him he makes the most ridiculous pose and it added to the whole “never had a speck of affection in his life” portion

Raoul gave the most defeated groan and slumped in the noose when it happened and it was so sad

When he was let go he fell on the floor then jumped right up while still obviously recovering from strangulation and was swaying around but the Fight Me was so strong he was ready for murder and it was great

Raoul was awesome in everything but the mustache

Christine was so adorable

Like, bouncing around in giddiness during Think Of Me and d

During the “curtain call” and just anytime she got excited her face would light up and she’s bounce like she couldn’t contain her joy and I loved her

During Notes/Twisted she just backed up to the desk slowly but surely until when she says “if you don’t stop this I’ll go mad” when she just spits it out, flings the score all over the desk and floor, and the runs into the center and stands so close to Raoul’s face while yelling at him

When she realized it’s Erik about 1/3 of the way into her verse she kinda runs across stage in a panic, looks back in uncertainty, then just increases the sexy by 5000%

Erik gets super uncomfortable by in and she’s practically on top of him. She was so aggressive and sexual and obviously doing it at him on purpose and honestly that was the first time I’ve seen a Christine actually going out of her way to make him uncomfortable instead of clamming up or looking at Raoul every 5 seconds, or just acting oblivious until the end of the song. So refreshing

Piangi’s death was so much like Bouquet’s death except when the curtain closed Carlotta was running up to the managers and asking what happened in the most desperate and concerned way then let out the most soul-shattering wail when they told her Piangi was dead and it gave a feel for just how close they were

When Carlotta says “She’s mad” she sounds like she just realized it and was horrified and felt so bad for treating her horrible and also so sorry for Christine’s situation

Seriously her face fell and she just. Deflated.

When Meg said “I’ll go with you” Mme Giry yelled “NO! YOU STAY HERE!” in horror and Meg just ran out of the room without a question

When Mme Giry is giving backstory and Raoul says “deformed?” his tone is just dead but also weirdly like he pities Erik and I loved it

“Accidents?” was so confused and offended

OKAY SO THEN WE STAGE DOORED AND GOT AUTOGRAPHS

I brought my novel and got four signatures

Everyone was so sweet and said hello, even if they obviously just wanted food (we went to a matinee)

Everyone who signed my book went “is this the novel?”, looked at the cover, and said “That’s so cool!”

I agree

I got autographs from Piangi, the Monkey, Firmin and the Phantom

The girl who played the money said, “I’m the quadruple threat: I sing, dance, act, and play cymbals!” with the most self-satisfied look on her face

She played the cymbals correctly which I totally respect

Piangi had a soft and slightly high voice, which I was not prepared for

Firmin said he performed at a music festival near Dallas (where my grandma is from) and she gave an affirmative that he was talking about the right one

AND HERE’S THE BEST FUCKING PART

THIS IS A SIGN FORM THE HEAVENS AND THE MUSICAL THEATER DEITIES THAT THIS SHOW AND I ARE MEANT TO BE

SO AN UNDERSTUDY WAS PLAYING PHANTOM

HIS NAME IS GREG MILLS

HIS BIO SAID THAT HE PLAYED RAOUL IN A NATIONAL TOUR

I’VE SEEN TWO NATIONAL TOUR SHOWS BEFORE GOING TO BROADWAY

WHEN HE SIGNED I MENTIONED THAT THIS WAS MY FIRST LIVE BROADWAY SHOW AND THAT WE CENTERED THE WHOLE TRIP AROUND IT

HE ASKED WHERE WE’RE FROM

WE TOLD HIM

HE SAYS OH I DID A NATIONAL TOUR AS RAOUL IN HOUSTON

I ASKED WAS IT THE 2015 ONE (BECAUSE THAT WAS THE MOST RECENT ONE)

HE SAID NO IT WAS EARLIER THEN MUTTERS SOME DATES IT COULD’VE BEEN AROUND

EVENTUALLY HE SAYS YEAH IT WAS 2008

AND I ALMOST SCREAMED

AND I TOLD HIM THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW PHANTOM OF THE OPERA EVER

AND HE LOOKS AT ME TRYING TO CALCULATE MY MENTAL AGE BC I’M OBVIOUSLY REALLY YOUNG AND SO I TELL HIM HOW OLD I AM AND HE JUST KINDA MUTTERS “God I feel old” AND I SAY SORRY

BUT THEN HE SAYS HE’S GLAD I LIKED THAT SHOW BC I OBVIOUSLY LIKED IT ENOUGH TO SEE IT AGAIN

I TOLD HIM HE WAS GREAT AS RAOUL AND YES I DID ENJOY IT VERY MUCH

THEN AS WE WENT BACK TO OUR HOTEL MY GRANDMA AND I LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND I JUST KINDA SQUEALED “He was in the first show I saw!!!!” AND SQUEEZED MY GRANDMA

SHE SAID THAT WAS AWESOME AND I AGREE

I’M GONNA BE SCREAMING THIS UNTIL THE DAY I DIE

IF ANYONE WONDERS WHY PHANTOM IS BROADWAY’S LONGEST-RUNNING SHOW WHEN PERFECTLY GOOD MUSICALS ARE UNJUSTLY GETTING AXED DOWN RIGHT AND LEFT

THIS IS REASON ENOUGH FOR IT TO STAY ON BROADWAY

JUST FUCKING

HE WAS IN THE FIRST PHANTOM I EVER SAW AND THEN IN THE FIRST PHANTOM I SAW ON BROADWAY

THIS IS FATE

THIS IS A SIGN

OMG I SERIOUSLY CAN’T EVEN ASIUHGILUSHDFOISDNRTLAU;VTOIUSRIOT;NVS;ODIUARODGHJ;S

And this concludes my thought on Phantom of the Opera on Broadway

[theinkstainsblog]

hey are you like,,,, a doctor bc if not then the fact that you diagnosed yourself means almost nothing? just asking bc you should probably go to a professional and get some help (if you don't want help then what's the point of even diagnosing yourself? makes no sense at all)

Oooookay wow there is a lot to unpack here.

I’ve actually spoken before on this blog and my side blogs about why I believe I have an anxiety disorder. I’ll do it again with some bullet points for you now but you really ought to know that this is an incredibly personal topic and it’s pretty fucking inappropriate for you to come in so rudely with this. I’m honestly happy to answer any questions people have about my mental health because visibility is important and that’s why I’m answering this even though you’ve kind of pissed me off with the way you asked. Just don’t expect me to be polite about it (like I would be if you’d asked nicely).

It’s pretty clear to anyone that knows me that my mental health is not good. I have panic attacks. I often don’t sleep. Sometimes I get so anxious I can’t go to class because the thought is terrifying to me. For a period I was self-harming, I still have intrusive thoughts about that even though I’ve been clean for a long while. 

When I say that I’m getting anxious about stuff I don’t mean “getting a bit anxious before a test or a presentation” because everybody gets those feelings. I mean having that panicky, heart thudding, hands sweating, want to cry, can’t breathe anxious feeling about twenty times a day every single day and when I’m not feeling that I’m feeling a heavyweight of dread in my chest about the next thing. 

For example, this morning that meant that I was panicking about going to my lecture because I haven’t been in a few days (that in itself is because I’m an anxious loop where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t belong at uni, I don’t deserve it and that everyone can tell I’m an idiot who’s here by mistake). I was anxious that someone would call me out on it, I was anxious that there was work I’d missed that I’d need for today, I was worried everyone would stare at me because they know I’m stupid, I was worried that for some reason I’d have to give a presentation I’m not prepared for. Then I got anxious about whether or not to wear a jacket - what if it’s too cold and I don’t? What if it’s too hot and I do and then people think I’m dumb because it’s not jacket weather? What if I need it for outside but then I have to take it off when I get there? What if I get caught in the arm and everyone notices and it takes me ages to get it off and they’re all judging me? What if while I’m struggling I knock something off the desk and draw attention to myself? What if, what if, what if. My whole day goes like that. I have to go through a list of a hundred questions for every tiny decision that I make - decisions that others can make in two seconds. I’m sure you can imagine how that gets pretty exhausting pretty quickly. 

It’s not like I just decided “oh that means I have generalised anxiety disorder then” one day either. I spent weeks looking into it (and no, that doesn’t mean the same as a doctor diagnosis and I could be wrong about it - although doctors are wrong quite often too so…). At first, I thought I had social anxiety because a lot of things that set off my anxiety are to do with worrying how other people are seeing me. When I looked that up though, it didn’t fit me. So I knew it wasn’t that. Then I see GAD so I looked into it and it was a eureka moment. Not only were all the things I knew to be true about my experience with anxiety on there, but so was a whole bunch of other stuff that I kind of thought was just me being weird (like sleeping for longer than a normal person - like 12 hours sometimes - and still being exhausted all the time). 

So with that in mind, it seems pretty damn likely to me that I have GAD. However, I still mention in my bio that its self-diagnosed not because I think I’m an expert but for the exact opposite - I am not an expert and people should know when I talk about my mental health that I don’t have an official diagnosis and that I am not speaking as an expert. I just wanna talk about it and help people out if I can. 

Also, anxiety runs in my family. My aunt and mum both struggle with anxiety. My mum has therapy every week. GAD can run in families or it can be caused by an abusive childhood. I didn’t have an abusive childhood but my mum did and a lot of my anxious behaviours and thoughts I’ve picked up from her. 

I’ve actually talked to my mum about this an awful lot. She’s not a doctor either - she is a senior nurse who’s been working for nearly thirty years though if that helps. And yeah she is biased because I’m her daughter so she can’t properly diagnose me, but she’s also a nurse so you know, she’s seen it all before and never ever makes a fuss if there isn’t a need. 

And yeah, I do want help with managing it. I’m getting some - I practice self-compassion workshops online which if you do them enough teach you to be aware of your body and feelings and get you to either let the anxious thoughts out like catharsis if that’s what you need, or other workshops that teach you how to head off an anxious thought before you get in that loop. But now that I’m at uni I’m also exploring options to get some counselling. And potentially a proper diagnosis. 

So yeah anon, I’m not a doctor. But I know myself a hell of a lot better than you do and I know this sure as fuck isn’t neurotypical because when I talk about it with people who aren’t anxious, they look at me like I’m mad. Now in future, bear in mind that this might be hard for people to talk about and also that it affects you precisely zero percent, so butt out and stop being ableist, Jesus.

Peace!

[oldmyths]

hiya drew, what are a couple bands/songs you'd recommend for someone interested in getting into classic rock? I hope you're having a great day

hey anon! this is an extremely loaded question! sdfjdfkgjd (and i’m really flattered you’re askin me, because, omg, it’s an honor)

(under a read more bc i talk too god damn much)

okay. lemme preface this by saying i barely scratch the surface when it comes to classic rock. in fact i just like the “popular” classic rock bands, because i’m a hipster loser (and i grew up on some of this stuff and don’t really have much of an interest venturing further but hey, who knows, maybe i’ll expand my spotify library in due time)

there are people on this website in the CR fandom who are so much better equipped to answer this, but u asked me, and i never really bothered to integrate into the cr fandom anyway because i feel like theyre all cooler than me and i just wanna sit down and listen to like, the same two albums on repeat, but anyway. to answer your question…

it really just depends on what genre you like. what kind of music you want to get into; i can sit here and tell you to listen to pink floyd and go on about their significance but i can’t make you Like them yknow?

so…..i’m just gonna list a few of my favorite songs by the most well-known classic rock bands because, like i said i just kind of barely scratch the surface on the classic rock format as a whole

as some of you may be aware, i am drew “beatlefucker” angelshane (thanks ana) and to get these bug boys out of the way, i’ll give u some song recs from the beatles! (early 1960s to 1970) (genres: rock, pop, psychedelia)

surely you’ve heard of them; if not, they caused a huge uproar across the world called beatlemania. think of like…tumblr, as a planet, and the beatles is the newest, hottest anime of the season, and everybody’s got a huge heart boner for them. because that’s basically what it was.

here are some of their songs that have been in my head for the past few days: drive my car (rubber soul, 1965); eleanor rigby (revolver, 1966); and if i fell (a hard day’s night, 1964)

revolver is the most recent album i’ve listened to, they have more but the next proper Album is sgt. pepper and that feels…like. so much. it’s a Huge Album, both content-wise and…history-wise? anyway, it’s very intimidating for me and i think i want to take my time with it before i rush in

i’m just gonna get led zeppelin (late 1960s to 1980, some reunions sprinkled here and there,) out of the way, now, too. (genres: hard rock, blues rock, folk rock, heavy metal)

let me just say right here: i hate jimmy page. as a person. and i honestly think most of his solos aren’t…that great. but for real, i won’t tolerate any of that ugly shithead on my blog and just because i like LZ doesn’t mean i condone any of the shit he did.

(you’ll notice a trend, especially in the older bands, that controversy is super common. u can’t..really get into classic rock without having to see the darker side of your faves. it sucks, nobody’s perfect, and i don’t agree with separating the artist from the art, but it does get hard to like certain music when you know the shit that happened with certain artists.)

Anyway! that being said, i truthfully only really listen to led zeppelin and led zeppelin ii. some physical graffiti but, eh. So, if you wanted to get into lz, you’re askin the wrong person, is what i’m saying jfkgsdj

here’s my song recs: good times bad times and dazed and confused (led zeppelin, 1968); whole lotta love and ramble on (led zeppelin ii, 1969); kashmir (physical graffiti, 1975)

and honestly the JP thing is why i don’t really listen to LZ much outside of their self titled and lz2. cos like. i just can’t.

QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN (1970s to…now? personally, if freddie mercury isn’t involved then..is it really queen) (genre: rock)

if you don’t know who queen is, you know who queen is. bohemian rhapsody? of course you know that song. everyone does.

but if you don’t then that’s perfectly ok too. it’s a good song imo. not their Best, but it’s good

i gotta be honest, i listen to singles mostly. i’ve got a lot on my proverbial plate and while i Love freddie mercury (bi king) sometimes i’m just. not in the headspace for queen. they’re good but a certain specific set of circumstances need to happen where i feel aligned with queen music enough to listen to it. also, freddie’s death makes me really sad and if i think about it too hard i’ll get depressed.

here’s my favorite queen songs!!!

brighton rock and killer queen (sheer heart attack, 1974); you’re my best friend (a night at the opera, 1975); somebody to love and GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY (a day at the races, 1976); TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILL YOU (made in heaven, 1996)

honestly..queen is so influential and inspiring and i fucking love freddie mercury so like. those are just a few of my favorites. i could honestly go on forever about it but let’s stop there

now let’s get away from the boys and talk about stevie nicks because she is my mother and i would die in her place given the chance. i love her. I Love Her.

but i mean you’d probably better begin at fleetwood mac (late 1960s to the mid 1990s; late 1990s to …now?) (genres: pop rock, soft rock, blues rock, art pop, british blues)

this is a band i don’t know much about. because there’s apparently so much to know about them, so much inter-band dynamic drama. from what i’ve skimmed. So Much Drama.

i…can’t provide any songs for you, because i dont listen to fleetwood mac and i need to fix this ASAP but i feel like the time isn’t right yet. is that dumb of me to think? probably, but i’m gonna stick by my guns.

you should listen to fleetwood mac and tell me what you think!!!

(yes i included a portion on stevie nicks without giving song recs because i’m awful: listen to edge of seventeen, bella donna, 1981)

okay back to smelly dudes cos that’s all the world fuckin cares about i guess

pink floyd!!! (mid 1960s to mid 1990s, mid 2000s, and early/mid 2010s) (genres: progrock, art rock, psychedelic rock)

i mean i love them but i’m just dipping my toes in the water here. i’ve barely listened to them, but from what i’ve heard they’re very good. VERY politically driven. i cannot stress this enough. they’re the good kind of politics i think though

you’ve most definitely seen the album art for the dark side of the moon. like, you just have. there’s probably no way you couldn’t have. (but if u haven’t thats fine)

here’s some tunes: money (tdsotm, 1973); the wall. just. the wall. if you love concept albums, here you go. listen to the wall.

that’s all i got. pathetic, i know, but i’m workin my way up i promise

here’s where we get into more familiar territory. ..having said that, i don’t really know much about the history of the rolling stones, but a good friend of mine Does and maybe i can pry info out of her. but i won’t bc she’s too cool 4 school and she’s really great

anyway, the rolling stones!!! (early 1960s to like. now i guess) (genres: rock, blues, blues rock, rock and roll)

woof. what can be said about them really. there’s…..almost too much to say. i love them a lot.

Okay when i get into bands, its in my DNA to listen from the very earliest recording i can find (usually on spotify nowadays) so i’ve been sslowly working my way past the baby pebbles albums (mostly covers) to their original work (fun fact did you know john and paul of beatles fame wrote their own music, and when mick and keith of stones fame found out it was In Fact That Easy they began to write their own music too? fascinating.)

ANYWAY here’s some stones songs: gimme shelter and you can’t always get what you want (let it bleed, 1969); angie (goats head soup, 1973); sympathy for the devil (beggars banquet, 1968)

again i am….Slowly inching my way up their discography. snails pace. i’ll get there. (u can ask glimmerkeith on tumblr for stones song recs, bc shes great and knows much more than i do and i would die for jenn)

now here’s a band…….that i’ve rediscovered pretty recently. try, last week.

AC/DC!!!!!!!! (early 1970s to now) (genres: hard rock, blues rock, rock and roll)

this is Very Much Your Dads™ Music. probably. most likely, anyway. but listen: i saw them in concert once and (while it probably…wasnt the best experience for me) i had a fucking Blast. very sad things happened in this band in the last few months.

not recent, but very important, in 1980 their lead singer bon scott died and everyone was sad. then brian johnson came out with his fuckin voice and everyone was like “ok sweet lets get back to rock n’ roll”

so this will be split by scott’s era and the johnson era (heh heh) And, because i’m familiar with this band, i’ll list the album in question and name a few songs off it instead of just naming songs. because yes.

scott:

T.N.T (1975); it’s a long way to the top (if you wanna rock ‘n’ roll); T.N.T; high voltage

dirty deeds done dirt cheap (1976); dirty deeds done dirt cheap (edit: i just realized how much i actually hate this album and only like that song so WHOOPS but i wanna keep the formatting so, yknow)

let there be rock (1977); let there be rock; whole lotta rosie

highway to hell (1979); highway to hell (it just felt really weird, making a reclist of songs by ac/dc and Not including this one)

johnson:

back in black (1980); HELLS BELLS; shoot to thrill; given the dog a bone; back in black; you shook me all night long

for those about to rock we salute you (1981); for those about to rock (we salute you)

the razors edge (1990); thunderstruck

making this list, it hit me how much of bon scott i actually Listen to when i listen to ac/dc dfkjghjdfksdsfj but uh yeah those. are good

AND NOW…FOR THE FUCKIN MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

GUNS! AND! ROSES! (mid 1980s to NOW MOTHERFUCKERS!!! THEYRE BACK!!! well, touring at least) (genres: hard rock, heavy metal

arguably my favorite band. subjectively, my favorite classic rock band. objectively? they own a huuuge portion of my heart, and my ass.

so listen up: these two kids from indiana run away to california to get out of fucking indiana, because who wants to stay in indiana, (it’s more like, one gets out, and like a year later the other kid tries to find him in the big mean streets of L.A) and along the way they get shuffled in and out of bands together. they start bands, break up bands, the whole fuckin shebang.

and then a few chance miracles happen and suddenly guns n’ roses is formed in like 1985. my boys? those are my boys.

i’m gonna do what i did w ac/dc and bullet the albums and then i’m gonna talk about the albums because i got SHIT to SAY

appetite for destruction (1987); welcome to the jungle, out ta get me, paradise city, sweet child o’ mine, ROCKET QUEEN

all right so here’s the deal, it was very hard not picking every single song on the album because every single song on the album is fucking perfection. actual gold. there’s no flaws in this album. Nothing. everything is good and perfect and i’m not biased at all

did you know axl rose (one of the boys from indiana) recorded each line individually? so, he sang a line, and then stopped recording, and then started recording the next line because he wanted it to be perfect?

did you know appetite was originally a flop album but after this dude got the guys at MTV to play the music video for Jungle at like 5am, guns n’ roses BLEW THE FUCK UP. Everybody know about them practically overnight. it was surreal and really cool, apparently.

and did you know axl played the synthesizer in paradise city? that’s adorable. i fucking love him.

gn’r lies (1988); patience; used to love her

the first four tracks in this EP are from their very first EP ever recorded - it Sounds like it’s taken from a live show but they dubbed in the audience in post, to make it seem like they had huge crowds attending their shows when in reality that wasn’t the case. (their first ep was released in december 1986, they had loyal fans but the crowd wasn’t that rowdy until after appetite came out)

believe me when i tell you. don’t listen to one in a million. or like, do. but i’m not gonna fight anyone about this. it’s fucked up. i’m not defending axl at all and i actually struggled with liking guns after i listened to it.

but unfortunately here we are and i saw them in concert and i had to deal with some fuckhead in the row behind me and his friend who kept Shouting that they play the song, when nobody on stage could her them, and like. of course they wouldn’t play it today. fuck off man

use your illusion i (1991); right next door to hell; dust n’ bones; perfect crime; november rain; BAD APPLES; COMA

i tried to limit these to five songs an album but i fuckin can’t, anon. illusion1 is just so fucking perfect. i can’t choose between my children. pls forgive me

on dust n’ bones and double talkin’ jive is izzy stradlin doing vocals (the second indiana boy, the one who left indiana first) and he’s regarded as the most unnderrated member in gnr by like everybody. so much so that it’s almost…too much. but like basically he was addicted to drugs and everything and then he sobered up when everyone else in the band was still hooked and he was like “wtf i’m out” and axl was like noooo :(

use your illusion ii (1991); civil war; 14 years; GET IN THE RING; locomotive; estranged; you could be mine

UYI1 and 2 were released on the same day. can you imagine how fuckin wild that day was? gnr fans scrambled to their record stores by the hordes probably.

izzy does vocal work in 14 years and this album was his last contribution to the band

uhhhh this album is also fucking perfect but i get sad listening to it sometimes so i try not to? very emotionally driven work. but like, where UYI1 was mostly passionate and angry-ish based, UYI2 is much more contemplative and uhh. sad. i guess.

“the spaghetti incident?” (1993)

this is a cover album and also the last album to feature my love, my soul, my light, my heart, slash. also duff. i mean i love him probably almost just as much but, yeah. duff actually looks like my cousin’s dad so i can’t really…. um. i feel weird about talking about him kjdfgd

but SLASH my god what a perfect man. i love him more than almost everything.

hey fun fact in between UYI and TSI, guns n’ roses toured with metallica and that tour is when slash, In His Autobiography, said he “lost” axl. his word. he Lost axl.

axl rose is a whole fuckin…..topic for another time, and i’m not gonna get into my own bullshit here, but that’s basically the situation when you listen to TSI. the band is fractured and barely holding together. after TSI, slash and duff leave GNR and axl is the only original member from the band still in it

(of course that opens up a conversation of who was originally in guns n’ roses but that’s another discourse for another time)

CHINESE DEMOCRACY (2008); CHINESE DEMOCRACY; BETTER; THERE WAS A TIME; SORRY; MADAGASCAR; PROSTITUTE

I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. ALBUM. MORE THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS. everyone says it’s “not gnr” of COURSE it isn’t gnr, when YOU think of GNR, you see slash. and like, i love slash? but he didn’t make the band. EVERYONE - axl, izzy, steven, duff, And slash made the band. after steven was kicked, gnr lost a huge part of what made them stand out, what made the band unique.

and like, fuck, i love dizzy. i love all of the new additions. but you cannot. fucking look me in the eyes and tell me you love UYI But you hate CD because it’s “not gnr”. like. fuck you man.

ugh anyway. i just gotta let y’all know my Stance on this. i love chinese democracy. i’ll defend this album with my fucking life. i was really…disappointed when, at my concert, i didn’t hear more CD but like i also saw slash in person (albeit, from far away, but we shared the same arena and that’s. more than i can handle)

i wanna get lyrics from prostitute tattooed on my body.

also like you can’t tell me better and sorry aren’t about slash sorry but that’s just the fuckin tea

Now, listen, this ask got away from me. i didn’t include…SO many bands because, like i said, i just scratch the surface of what classic rock is. my word isn’t law, ok? that bein said, i am always, ALWAYS down to talk about any of the bands here, and others!!! if i know of them. i’m always taking music/song recs, too.

thanks..for reading this stupid answer to your innocent ask sdfkjghsdf

[queenmabscherzo]

I love love love Targeting!! But not as much as I just about WORSHIP Strong Safety😍😍😍 So I would loovvveee a DVD commentary on the scene when Steve rubs Bucky's feet after he got hurt in a game with The Vikings (middle of chapter 5)

oh this is so sweet! strong safety was A JOY to write and it’s so wildly different from targeting, i’m glad you like it:):)

ask me for dvd commentary

“Sit down, then, geez, sit down,” Steve says, steering Bucky onto the nearest couch cushion.

Bucky settles stiffly into his seat. He leans forward, reaching for his shoes, but stops half-way and groans. (relatable)

Steve drops to his knees.

“Let me.”

(fun fact about this foot rub: it was originally in Targeting. i wrote it to take place when steve went to bucky’s hotel room after that game in Chicago, and after bucky talked about his injuries. i thought it was too intimate at that point, so then i moved it to after the championship, before they sleep together at steve’s house. i didn’t love it there, either, because it was too Serious at that point in the story. but i like it, so i’m v glad it worked in strong safety.) 

Bucky doesn’t even answer, just sinks back against the couch.

Steve smiles. “You were amazing tonight.” He begins untying Bucky’s shoe and sliding it off.

“Well, we lost, so.” Bucky rubs one eye. “That Viking quarterback is a freak. Like he’s some kind of Norse god or some shit.” (couldn’t resist)

“Yeah,” Steve chuckles and gives Bucky’s calf a gentle squeeze. “Want the socks off, too?”

“Oh my god Rogers, what is with your weird sock thing.”

“It’s not weird!” (it is weird and if isaiah were they he would agree and also egg bucky on)

“You probably wear socks in the shower,” he teases and gives Steve’s thigh a gentle kick.

“I don’t, and you know it.” (👀👀👀)

Bucky tips his head back and closes his eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but he looks like someone who’s about to smile. (it’s called ‘being relaxed’ and bucky never ever is, so)

“What happened?” Steve asks, feeling serious again. He tugs the laces of Bucky’s shoe. “Sam said—” neck injury, helmet-to-helmet, doctors, unresponsive, "—well, he said it looked bad on the replays.“ (POOR SAM!!!! he’d never admit it but u kno he’s a lil worried about bucky!!!!!)

"Not really,” Bucky murmurs. (sometimes some of the worst hits are somehow completely harmless. football is insane.)

(side note, yeah i’m wildly aware of all the problems surrounding football and all contact sports, for that matter. but here we are. like as long football is around, might as well talk about it.)

Steve slides off the other shoe and sets it aside. For a second, he looks at Bucky’s feet, both gathered in his lap. (one sock on and one sock off at this point) (keeping track of those shoes and socks was annoying while writing) “You were on the ground for a long time,” he says softly.

“Ugh,” Bucky sighs. “They wouldn’t let me up until I answered a bunch of questions. (concussion protocol in the NFL has improved a lot in the past couple years. again, like i said, still has lots of problems. but there are specialists on the sidelines who give rigorous tests after every injury that even COULD involve the head. they try. bucky was in good hands, or at least as good as possible.) Like made sure my neck was stable. It was fine.”

“You passed all the quizzes?” Steve slips a hand up Bucky’s pant leg and removes the other sock.

Bucky huffs a laugh. “I guess.”

“So what’s the sling for?” Steve asks.

“They called it a shoulder sub-something. I don’t know. It’s not actually dislocated.” (shoulder subluxation. it’s a weakness in the connective tissues in the shoulder, sort of a partial-dislocation. it can be caused by previous injuries, such as …. EVERYTHING bucky has gone through)

“Good.”

“Yeah, they’re just icing it and keeping it steady and everything. I can take it all off when we go to bed.” this kind of ice pack thing, plus a sling:

Breathless, he presses his thumb into Bucky’s calf. “So how’s your head?”

“Physically or emotionally.”

“Physically.” Priorities.

“Fuck.” Bucky scrubs his face with his free hand. “Mild concussion.”

“Oh, Bucky—” (i’m literally steve, i’m like “oh buck come the fuck on i knew you were hiding something that’s serious shit bro FJKALFJAL”)

“Mild, Steve, I promise it’s mild. They did a baseline when I got to Carolina, so it’s really easy to figure out the brain stuff, now.”

They did a baseline test, of course they did a baseline test; these people know what’s wrong with Bucky and they know how to fix it. Of course. (I mean …… it’s still not ideal to have like, what, 4-5 concussions before you turn 25. hhhhhhhhhh. but still. i wanted to take care of bucky but still give him a REALLY VALID reason to FUCKING RETIRE ALREADY.)

“I promise,” Bucky says it again, and says it smaller.

Steve tilts forward. He slides Bucky’s pant leg up so he can press a kiss to the soft hollow next to Bucky’s knee cap. (other than the shoes and socks and keeping track of when they came off, the most annoying thing about writing this scene was THOSE PANTS!!!! i really wanted steve to kiss bucky’s kneecaps, it’s not thAT HARD, but then he had to wear pants and i’m like, why am i writer) He stays there and breathes for a moment, puffs of warm air fogging against Bucky’s skin. It smells like sharp spices.

“You take a shower already?” Steve mouths the words against Bucky’s knee. (like can’t you just imagine lips fitting into the little dip of soft skin around his knee joint ……?) (no that’s prob just me)

“Yup.” Bucky’s muscles roll under Steve’s lips. “Sorry.”

Steve laughs. “We can make up for it later.” (Can’t believe i have written like two hundred thousand words of gay football action and there have been no sexytimes in a shower) He tilts his head to kiss the soft tissue under Bucky’s knee. He’s starting to forget anatomy. But it’s a good spot, soft and warm, with coarse dark hair and a little bit of give under Steve’s lips. Bucky would know what it’s called—which ligament bends where, which soft spot is vulnerable and which bones protect the sinews. (bucky “it’s a paired muscle” barnes)

Bucky straightens his leg a little and curls his toes into Steve’s side. Steve flinches and laughs.

“If you tickle me, I won’t rub your feet,” Steve threatens.

“Yeah you will,” Bucky calls his bluff.

Steve has never been happier to be called out.

(oh and now we get into the actual massage and let me tell you, i felt every second of this) (i don’t even get foot rubs that often because i’m so ticklish and it freaks me out, but boy. i know that sore-feet-after-game-day feeling jfaksfjsl) (and i give myself footrubs! you should all do that. unless it’s weird, in which case, pretend i never said that.)

With one hand, he rubs gentle circles around the bones of Bucky’s ankles. (phew like, especially on the inside, under the ankle bone?? sweet spot. i put a lot of pressure on my heels though, so that might not be true for everyone?) (well it’s true for steve! and he’s tryna help bucky, so!) He slides his other hand down the arch of Bucky’s foot, digging in with one knuckle, and presses deep lines along the bones of his foot.

Somewhere overhead, Bucky sighs.

Steve continues with the foot massage, tracing between the toes and around the heel, smearing his fingerprints along the calloused sole. He works his way above the ankle. He kneads Bucky’s calf. He pays special attention to the spot high on the Achilles tendon. If Bucky is anything like him, (or me,) that’s a spot that is always overlooked, and feels sore after every game; a spot that aches deep into the night, twitching even as you lay motionless in bed, wishing you could sleep. (…….. i’m projecting HARD in this scene if you could not tell)

When Steve pulls his hand away, Bucky makes a noise. A sleepy-cat whimper.

He switches to the other foot and gives it the same treatment. He can feel Bucky’s muscles and their tired spasms, their half-hearted tremors like autumn leaves clinging to wood.

Steve slips his hand up the opposite pant leg. (those FUCKING PANTS!!!) He drags the tension out of Bucky’s Achilles tendon, then lets his fingertips creep higher, tender, slow; he traces quiet lines up to the soft, stretched skin at the back of Bucky’s knee.

Another whimper catches between Bucky’s lips, (poor baby getting more turned on the higher steve goes, tbh) and Steve can hear his throat click when he swallows. He looks up, finally, and almost faints. Bucky’s eyes are inches away from his, frozen wide. (if steve sounds extra In Awe in this scene, that’s a result of writing this early on in targeting. at the time, steve was going thru a whole lot of “holy shit it’s really bucky barnes I Must Take Care Of Him” feelings. i kept a lot of those feelings bc i think it’s really in-character for steve, lmao. he’s the type to wake up after they’ve been married 18 years and go “holy shit its bucky barnes.”)

“Thank you,” Bucky says hoarsely.

Steve straightens, and all the muscles up his side-body strain toward Bucky’s face. “My pleasure,” he says, pressing their foreheads together.

and then they go to bed and cuddle!!!!! **confetti**

[avabenjamin]

‪"To the bone" trailer (also the new movie “feed”) ruined my night yesterday I was out here pacing and cryinnnn ngl. I’m not the gal to be this sensitive over a movie/show but hear me out. If this gets publicity like 13rw. I’m OUT. this ones way more backwards like if u care about people with EDS DONT PULL THIS SHIT (-: simple omg.

(Fully aware that some of the actors and the director have a past with an ed, and do amazing charity work) I’m not criticising lily or Keanu AT ALL, I appreciate her background with an ed.l and I think she’s so brave for it)

yes mental health should be talked about, but it’s like, that doesn’t take away from the character ygm? It’s a fiction film and the scenes of the trailer are taking the piss, there awful (triggering to the point of a relapse). It stigmatises mental illness, and 100% glamourises it. Her character is sassy, pretty and beautifully tragic, in a romantic way? get it taken down or im outta this joint /:‬

“I wish I had that problem” you wouldn’t wish for cancer or other life ending illnesses !!!

‪"it’s like you have calorie aspergers" *fist pumps* Get Away ya fool, they were celebrating??? when I was like 13 I would have watched it and get “tips"and shit. ‬I would have admired her character and thought of her as beautifully tragic. just based on the 2 minute trailer, it doesn’t show the ugly side of an ed.

‪nah im actually fuming with this ngl.‬ ‪it’s the production and choice of character really. her, being someone i imagine i’d watch (when I was younger) n think woah i wish i could be like her. It already looks very cookie cutter, stereotypical girl with an eating disorder, who’s too skinny, counts all her calories, looks a certain way, and denies everything. “You look like a ghost”.

To an extent, that’s very real, but that’s not how all eds are at all. Even the name suggests you have to look a certain way to have an ed. a healthy looking body doesn’t equal a healthy mind (eating disorders are a mental illness not a physical one.) ‬

‪ppl may see this as taking it too seriously, but 1 in 4 ppl die with this illness. And the trailer alone promotes the wrong ideas. The dealt by makeup and close up of her bones rllllyyyy is just a criteria to who and who doesn’t have anorexia… :/ it makes a lot of us feel so invalid bc we didn’t look that sick at our lowest. It also makes someone struggling think “I’m not sick enough yet bc I don’t look as thin as her, so I don’t need help rn” ‬ Kinda reminds me of Cassie from skins: “I didn’t eat for three days so I could be lovely” that saids the COMPLETE wrong message to susceptible young people.

WHAT is comical about eating disorders. all the people saying we can’t step on eggshells around EDs is bullshit because humans are inherently vulnerable and respond to role models thus a show portraying a beautiful witty teen with an ED will never be ok

(Also I ain’t the only one who feels this way about the trailer at all) Weight is simply a side effect of an eating disorder, but so is comparison. Maybe you were never tubed or forced into treatment or underweight. But it doesn’t make u less valid.

‪I’m still on the fence about this show, but I rlly admire lily and everyone for it. Just already have some issues with the way it’s been constructed. even tho it may help the minority of sufferers to have an idol etc, it still has its hung ups.‬ it would be amazing if it helped someone recover (as it’s a happy ending) it’s it’s cool to be proud of the context of the movie, but it promotes toxic actions and behaviours and 100% glamourises an ed, no doubt about it.

I’m sick to death of eds being portrayed in a glamorous light, or shown to be a phase/ problem that a little therapy can fix. To all vulnerable and impressionable audiences of the film, I fucking hope it doesn’t have a bad influence on ya bb

"To the bone" will be another middle class white girl who has anorexia and becomes skinny but makes some miraculous recovery. It will add nothing new to the eating disorder discussion and yet again, ignores OSFED. Anorexia is the most talked about and the most represented. There are countless movies and documentaries on it already with side characters having other types of eating disorders. For once I'd just like a movie that has an overweight/healthy weight person who has been starving and gets the help they need.

It make sufferers who are perhaps not as underweight (or who are unable to see themselves as that underweight) consequently see these underweight scenes and feel that they cannot seek help because they aren’t “thin enough” or “bad enough”. Just thinking of the millions of young people who will watch it on Netflix KILLS ME inside. The show will make people without an ed think that that’s the reality of EDs, and not take certain people seriously. I hope they at least portray the loneliness/ brutality of an ed, if not the ugliness. :/ This show will 100% trigger someone into a relapse, that may/ will kill them. when it airs in a week, and ur in recovery pls be careful.

‪I called Netflix to let em kno.‬ it’s a free call too. ‪if u don’t agree, leave it be, just don’t make it cinematic ukno. stressed tf out. sigh. ‬

[hagiographically]

Could you talk more about Stanford stereotypes regarding literally anything (idk majors?) bc they way how you explain them is literally so funny/good

lmao aw ily, you can always come to me if u want my opinion related to anything stanford (stereotypes about dorms, sports teams, greek life, a cappella ??) because i have A Lot Of It - i only wish i was more integrated with the school cuz most of my opinions are hearsay instead of personal experience

major stereotypes….hmm thats hard cuz there are So Many majors but i can just go with the most common ones and group some together, etc

engineering:

aero/astro - small department full of space nerds, most of them are in SSI, drones, i personally consider them very brainy and if i were better at engineering i would be aero/astro cuz i think it’s the next frontier. there should definitely be more women in it for sure

bioe - my ex was bioe, they’re a bunch of nerds but they have good enough hearts. they care about curing diseases and shit

CS - oh boy. ohhhhhh boy. here we fuckin go. honestly CS is barely even a sterotype at stanford cuz its such a dominant culture…..the people who decide what stereotypes even are, are probably CS. it’s gotten to the point where if i meet someone and they aren’t CS it’s worth noting. it’s gotten to the point where, in my psych/literature/communications/education classes, i expect the other people to be CS. i have so many Opinions on CS Boys because CS Boys are such!!!!a!!!type!!!! (and different from just, a boy who does CS). they worship the trinity of google, facebook, and microsoft. their junior summer internship is at least one of these. they buy into all silicon valley startup culture and they love elon musk and talk about venture capital when its really not welcome. they love talking about how much work they have and how little they sleep. all INTJs. probably virgos. there is also a subgenre of CS boy who didnt come into stanford wanting to do CS and ended up switching because its easier to be a CS Boy at stanford. they criticize the culture all the time. to this you can say, “it’s all right, craig, i know you just want to make money.”

CME - people major in this when they dont love themselves

design - i personally think this major is fuckin cool and considered it before i realized physics was a pre-req. the d school is thought to be d for douchey though because their whole shtick is so ~ideate~ ~prototype~ ~We Are Quirky and Put Post-Its On Walls~ but i dug it as a frosh. they can be kinda condescending, but theyre by far the most interdisciplinary dept in the engineering major (although its also full of white men who think theyre hot shit cuz they can use photoshop)

EE - again for people who lack self love, its supposed to be so fuckin hard

MS&E - white frat boys who glorify jordan belfort

ME - similar to design. live at the PRL. stay up till ungodly hours carving wood. somehow this is enjoyable. also white male heavy

who knows how the f to categorize this:

education - if i could do stanford over i would major in this. usually very diverse, woke, often come from underprivileged backgrounds so they want to make it better for other people and reach communities that arent currently benefited (unlike silicon valley or wall street :) ) i respect them because they do what they love and not to make $ although if educational engineering were a thing im certain people would jump ship. it’s also not in the humanities dept so i feel like theyre Above the stanford hegemony and i love that

earthsys - i considered a minor in this. usually sweet, earth-friendly people. white but woke. possibly queer. granola loving hippies and maybe some frathletes who want an “easy” major but not sure (im not shitting on easy majors. i have one. love ‘em)

generally i like girls in any of the engineering depts because they are dealing with sexism and doing it. the boys are oftentimes extremely self-congratulatory and will usually say something dumb about the humanities. even the girls will hit you with the “oh i wish i could study that!” about any non-engineering discipline, and it’s implied that what they’re really saying is “but i care about my future too much!” 

humanities/sciences:

AAAS/chicanx studies/asian-american studies/CSRE - woke poc who use lots of buzzwords and say things like folx

art - the people who major in art are usually more quiet than you’d think. we have an Artsy Type at stanf that are kind of extra (theta chi/EBF types, also very woke QPOC) but i dont think theyre art majors for the most part. i barely know any actual art Majors. lots of engineers just do art on the side

bio - i love bio majors because they are sciency but also get shit on by engineers so we’re in solidarity. they are sweet and study all the time and just wanna make the world a better place. there’s also the pre-med kind of bio who i would hate if i were also pre med but since im not i just kind of admire and fear them

chem - i like chem people much more than i thought i would. again a very small major and they just live in lab and have varied non chem interests. this year i accidentally became friends with like 6 people from the chem fraternity and i was surprised how much i liked them

complit/english - i was this major! english in creative writing are usually chill, interesting people. complit and english in literature…….it’s a shakespeare circlejerk and they hit you with the Discourse. overly educated white people. avoid the boys specifically but the girls can also be incredibly self-satisfied. maybe 50/50. but if you take a creative writing class instead of a lit class, the CW kids are usually awesome

taps - our drama department. they’re nice, but extra and intimidating. (also stanford theater is…..okay….not really as good as they seem to think it is yikes that was mean but) however, like with english, take an introductory class and you’ll meet very cool non-taps majors.

econ - oftentimes wonderful people! outside of class that is

femgen - same people as the AAAS/CSRE crowd except whiter. queer girls with undercuts. upperclassmen are intimidating to many. everyone shares their opinion even when its not warranted. my honors is in this

film studies - this was almost my minor and if i werent CW i might have doubled in film and comm! i dont know any film majors but if they arent a cole sprouse im sure theyre fine (they are probably a cole sprouse)

german/italian/french/spanish language or studies - spot the person who studied abroad!

history - like english, can be cool, more likely pretentious

humbio - the other premeds! actually humbio gets shit on alllll the time for being easy or having a fluff major, bio majors think they’re soft. thus, i like them. their course catalog is awesome and its a huge major but all the scary pre meds are straight up bio and humbios are softer but in a good way its a lot of sweet girls

intl relations - one of my favorite majors. usually very down to earth, the best of the IR/poli-sci/pub-po trinity. however, they can also be self-congratulatory for being So Woke and also they love to educate you when You Didn’t Ask

linguistics - weird, diverse people. very small major. similar to anthro, my old major. i love small majors they always have cute dinners together

MCS - a hard fuckin major. not as “Look How Smart I Am” as a bad CS. mostly quiet and stay in and study their ass off

math - love to wax poetic about the beauty of math. fun when drunk. not when sober

philosophy/MTL/classics - avoid. classics can be okay if it overlaps with archaeology because theyre just a bunch of nerds and they get really excited and its cute. phil majors would rather just educate you about how free will is fake and youre like tim can you please just get out of the way we’re in the dining hall and you’re blocking the cornbread

physics - Avoid. they think all other sciences are lesser. women and POC are ok

poli-sci - hit or miss. generally pretty friendly. very talkative. fun to talk to about Not Politics

psych - the best major hehe. generally liberal and woke and often queer. however, non-psych people in psych classes can be a nightmare (unlike english, taps, etc) and problematic as fuck. also sometimes psych majors are extra (exhibit a: me)

pub policy - probably in student government. im biased against it, but go in with hesitation. student government is by and large not as effective as they seem to think (however, a “woke” person in pub po might be cool because they will campaign for sexual assault awareness and economic diversity and good stuff)

STS - ohhhhh man. probably the major that gets most shit on at stanford. i think engineers think it’s fake. (humbio, design, and STS get shit on the most i’d say, because they are interdisciplinary STEM majors, so engineers think that they’re for people who arent smart enough to do hard majors. whereas with english or IR, engineers know they couldnt do it because they havent written an essay since 2009, so they offer grudging respect) a frathlete major. i personally like it because i dig interdisciplinary shit, but i don’t dig frat boys or athletes so i avoid. some of their courses are great but it does seem kind of scrapped together as a major and i dont know how people outside of stan see it

sociology - a small major, seems cool. stigmatized but not by stanford because stanford students dont know it exists. “dont you mean psychology?” no

urban studies - skaters? who knows. i respect them tho. i think they care about….like….architecture? and city development? its a very niche thing and i feel like it’s pretty hip n happening

[spacednp]

When You Wish Upon a Star

WATTPAD AO3

TW: NONE I DONT THINK besides swearing but that's legit all my fan fiction lmao wait I think I mentioned condoms once but again legit all my fanfics at this point

SUMMARY: PARENT PHAN TAKES CHILDREN TO DISNEY WORLD IM SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS WTF

ADDITIONAL NOTES: p a r e n t p h a n i s m y k I N K

I DIDNT MAKE THE KIDS CALL PHIL DADDY BC THATS DANS JOB K? K

no but really Phil being daddy is too real

this legit is my favorite thing I've ever written asdfghjkl

WC: 3.7k

"Winne I swear to fucking Jesus if you don't stop moving for three seconds so I can put on your fucking socks I will fucking bash your head in you little shit," Dan hissed at the wiggling toddler in his lap. He loved his little girl, but she was also a brat, and that wasn't a good thing for the easily frustrated 30 something.

"Daniel! Watch your language in front of the children!" Phil chided his husband, covering their older child, Dillon's, ears.

"Papa, I'm seven and a half whole years old!" Dillon protested. "I already know all the naughty words!" Phil gasped at this and sent a glare at Dan that went unnoticed as Dan was preoccupied with the annoying little bundle of joy crying about not wanting the socks on.

"I'm no wanna!" Winnie cried, flailing her arms about. As Winnie was still learning how to speak, she had a few quirks and speech impediments. One of those was "I'm". The young child never used "I", it was always "I'm". When loud footsteps filled the house as Winnie ran about, she would scream, "I'm run!", which neither Dan nor Phil had the heart to correct her on. Winnie was their only baby. They adopted Dillon when he was 5, so they missed out on all the baby years, which they didn't want to miss again, so Winnie was born from a surrogate. Now Dan and Phil loved Winnie a hellova lot, but she was a fussy little brat.

"Goddamn it Winnie!" Dan spat as he grabbed onto the child's foot in a vain attempt to still it enough to get her foot in the sock. Dan let out a frustrated groan as he shoved Winnie's foot into the pale colored sock. "Philllll," Dan whined as Winnie kicked her sock off and caused it to fly across the room. Phil smiled slightly as he crossed the room to pick Winnie up off of Dan's lap, setting her on his hip and looking down lovingly as his very frustrated husband who was leaning back into the couch, almost melting into it. Dan smiled up at Phil and blew a curly hair out of his pink face.

"Thank you, babe," Dan said as he stood up and whipped off his sweaty palms on his dirty black jeans (they were clean, and then they found out that Winnie did NOT like peaches).

"You're welcome, Bear. Go help Dil get packed and ready," Phil said as he plopped down on the couch Dan had left unoccupied, laying Winnie down next to him. "Looks like its a sandal type of day, huh Winnie?" He asked his daughter, causing the two year old to giggle, sharp blue eyes full of happiness. God, he was going to die when she got old enough to date, he just might have to buy a gun.

Phil somehow managed to get the squirmy toddler into some white sandals with little pastel flowers decorating them that Dan said were "too fucking adorable". The family was rushing about trying to get ready as it was the day of their first trip as a family, and just like every other basic non-American family, they were going to Orlando.

"Philly!" Dan cried from Dillon's room, sounding frustrated. Phil laughed lightly, looking down at Winnie.

"Looks like Daddy is having some problems with Dil, huh Winnie?" Phil asked his little daughter as he picked her up and walked to Dillon's room, the toddler just giggled the whole walk, like she always did. As Phil entered the room covered in dinosaurs (because "they're the coolest things ever!"), he was greeted by a flustered Dan and a suitcase full of dinosaur toys, some stuffed and some plastic. Phil laughed at the mess and his upset (but still adorable) husband.

"Oh dearuh!" Winnie exclaimed in her sweet baby voice, causing even the very frustrated Dan to crack a smile. Phil rubbed Winnie's back as he looked around for Dillon, only to find him angrily crossing his arms in the corner.

"Yes, Winnie, very oh dear," Phil agreed as he met Dan's eyes. "What happened?" Phil asked his husband. Dan just shrugged his shoulders and sighed.

"Dil is being difficult," Dan said, gesturing to the suitcase full of dinosaurs and the fuming child. Phil smiled weakly and set Winnie on the ground before walking over to Dillon and crouching down to his level and looking him in his anger filled sea green eyes.

"What's up buddy?" Phil asked, aware of Dan fangirling in the background, as he always did when Phil acted all "Dad like". In the end Dan was just Phil trash #1, in any situation.

"Dad won't let me bring all my dinosaurs," Dillon grumbled, pouting slightly.

"Okay, but you need room for your clothes, how about we just bring two dinosaurs?" Phil offered, knowing Dillon would try to bump it up to three and that they could compromise like that.

"Three," Dillon countered just as Phil thought he would, to which Phil pretended to be iffy on for a minute.

"Okay then, three," Phil finally said, standing back up to full height and looking down at his now smiley son.

"Thanks, Papa!" Dillon yelped, throwing his arms around Phil's middle/waist area. Phil let out a small 'oof!' before patting his son's head and letting him hug him. Eventually Dillon pulled away and ran to pick his dinosaurs. Dan quickly replaced Dillon, wrapping his arms around Phil, causing the older man to giggle and wrap his arms around Dan's waist.

"Thank you," Dan muttered into the crook of Phil's neck. Phil loved the moments like that, when he was reminded of the years before, like in 2009 when he held Dan in the train station, like in 2012 when he told Dan they'd stay together, just times when their bodies were pressed together, two people oblivious to the world and content and happy in each other's arms, two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly, as cheesy as it was.

"You're welcome," Phil replied, enjoying the warm cinnamon smell of Dan's body wash. Eventually the boys untangled themselves from each other's arms and went back to packing.

"Philly," Dan said from where he was squatting next to Winnie who had one of Dillion's dinosaurs sticking out of her mouth. Dan quickly pulled the toy out of her mouth and tossed it to the side before Dillion caught of glimpse of what his sister was doing. The two loved each other, very very deep down. Dan and Phil knew it, but they also knew that if one even looked at something that belonged to the other, it would result in all out war, and no one had time for that when they were about to be stuffed together in close proximity for hours as they flew to America.

"Yes?" Phil asked as he folded Dillion's clothes and neatly set them in the suitcase. Most of which were tee shirts with various graphic designs on them, mostly dinosaurs. The prehistoric reptiles just fascinated Dillion, which always made his father's break into grin. After all, how could someone not find that adorable? It was near impossible.

"You have kid duty, I have to finish our packing, okay?" Dan asked as he made his way out the door, not really giving Phil an option. Little did Dan know, he had a shadow. A small, wiggly, sticky, chubby cheeked, little shadow.

"Ha, looks like you also have Winnie duty," Phil called after Dan, setting down the green dinosaur jumper in his hands to watch Winnie speed crawl after Dan. She could walk... kind of. It was more of waddling, so she mostly crawled around as her main method of transportation. Dan turned around and looked down at the tinny bag of giggles and put his hands on his hips, a stupid grin on his face.

"Where are you going, Winne poo?" Dan asked in a voice a little higher pitched and softer than his usual voice. It was the voice he talked to babies with, everyone had that kind of a voice.

"Wit Dadda," Winnie replied, still on all fours like a dog. Her pastel pink and white sported dress was flipped over so it showed her entire stomach and diaper, which made Dan wonder if they should of put shorts on under it. Dan decided it would be fine, it was only a two year old's diaper anyway.

"No no, Winnie poo, you gotta stay with Papa," Dan argued softly, gesturing to Phil who had gone back to helping Dillion pack and wasn't paying any attention to his husband or daughter.

"No no, I'm go wit Dadda," Winnie said, pulling herself up with Dan's still sticky and gross jeans that he really needed to change. She grabbed Dan's hand and waddled away, like she was trying to get Dan to come with her. Dan followed, like the good Dadda he was.

When they reached the stair case Dan scooped Winnie into his arms, and she didn't protest. She knew better. Both kids did. No one was aloud up the stairs without permission, which helped with the kids being safe and Dan and Phil being safe to do whatever they please in the privacy of their room. Plus, it was funny to watch the kids try and find a loop hole around the whole "no upstairs" rule, like "what if I have to pee and both the downstairs bathrooms explode". That one had to be Dan's favorite.

"Let go uppie!" Winnie sung, waving her chubby arms around in glee. She loved uppie, well, she did when it was somewhere she wanted to go, if Dan or Phil picked her up to go to her bedroom for sleepy time, she threw a fit. Their daughter was as much of a night owl as her fathers. Dan remembered one occasion when he picked her up in the store because she threw a temper tantrum (Dadda didn't get her the candy), and it only made it worse. Dan was so angry that he yelled at his daughter, but regretted it the second her saw how sad it made her. He was so tempted to just buy her the damn candy because he loved her so much, but he held strong, until later that night when he cried in Phil's arms. He couldn't help it, he loved Winnie an awful lot, and seeking her unhappy physically hurt him. She was his baby.

"Yay, uppie!" Dan cheered, wondering how in God's name he was going to pack for both he and Phil and watch Winnie to make sure she didn't get into anything she shouldn't be in. He knew he'd forget something, he just hoped it wasn't watching his daughter, he had no idea how he'd be able to explain to Phil how Winnie managed to swallow a condom. That would traumatize everyone involved, including Dan.

"Are you sure we have everything?" Phil asked for the millionth time. Dan nodded, trying to fiddle with his keys to lock the door. It was hard when you had a wiggly child and about a thousand bags in your arms. Okay, it was two bags, and Phil and even Dillion were carrying more, but still, they weren't carrying a Winnie.

"Yes, love, we have everything," Dan assured his husband.

Turns out they didn't have everything, in the rush to get packed and ready quickly, they forgot toothpaste. Now, since they were spending a week in Florida, they needed toothpaste. So, after hours of kicking and screaming and embarrassment from the flight, Phil had to go to a nearby Walmart and buy some toothpaste. Dan was at the hotel with the kids while Phil went, mainly because there was no way in hell Phil was being left alone with them that moment. Phil loved his kids and was even more patient with them than Dan, but the man needed a break. Even if it was just for 15 minutes, he enjoyed it. It was rare that he was the one who got a break, usually it was Dan before he actually murdered one of their kids.

Phil rushed through the rows upon rows of shelves, many of which were filled with things that seemed less than useless. (Seriously America? Who comes up with a stuffed animal that turns into a demon faced beast when you press a button?) He kept his head low, hoping he wouldn't be noticed by anyone. Usually he loved the fans and didn't mind being recognized and taking a few pictures with them, but he wasn't looking very great at the moment and would rather there not be dozens of copies of a photo where he had greasy hair and stained jeans on covering every social media cite.

Phil finally made his way to the personal hygiene area and scanned the shelves for the toothpaste he and Dan typically used. He found it and grabbed it, making his way to check out. He almost got out of the store without being recognized, until Maria behind the counter wanted a picture. Dammit. The fact that he didn't manage to go the entire shopping trip without being noticed bothered Phil, nevertheless, he took the picture with the girl and gave her hugs. She asked how Dan and the kids were and Phil said they were great and then he left, head down in embarrassment. He probably should of showered and changed before leaving the hotel, but he didn't.

Soon enough he was back in the hotel room, happy to find both Winnie and Dillion happily asleep in their shared bed. They had gotten two twin sized beds in the hotel room and hoped Winnie and Dillion would be okay with sharing, and thank goddess they were or else Phil might just cry. He walked towards the bed of his sleeping children and kissed each of their foreheads lovingly.

"Good night," he whispered to the sleeping forms as he turned to the door. He jumped a little to see someone standing behind him, but soon saw the curly fringe that belonged to his husband and felt relief fill him. Dan had his arms crossed across his chest and a loving smile across his face.

"They were very tired from being little shits for so long," Dan said, gesturing to their children on the bed. Phil giggled a little bit, Dan wasn't the most poetic person. For a boy who knew more words than anyone else Phil knew, he sure seemed to have his favorite words, which were just profanities.

"I'm sure they were, must be hard to embarrass your parents for hours on end," Phil said with a yawn. It was only eight in Florida, but in London it would be one in the morning and it had been a very long day. Dan soon joined Phil in his act of yawning and cursed at Phil for making him tired, though Phil knew it was just Dan being difficult and his words had no vicious intent.

"Let's go to bed," Dan said, giving Phil no real choice and dragging him to their bed. Phil shook his head and pulled out of Dan's grasp.

"Pajamas first," Phil ordered in a hushed voice (suddenly remembering that his kids were sleeping and not wanting to wake them), gesturing to his tight jeans. Dan, on the other had was already in his pajamas and looking very comfortable. Dan rolled his eyes and plopped down on the bed, quickly getting comfortable and tucking himself under the sheets.

Phil walked over to he and Dan's open suitcase (they decided to share because in all honestly neither knew which clothes were even his at that point, but hey, "what's mine is yours" and other shit that comes with marriage) and flipped through the mess of clothes until he found some pajamas. He didn't even bother going into the bathroom to change because his kids were fast asleep and it wasn't like it was anything Dan hadn't seen already. As he pulled off his shirt in one quick motion he heard Dan give a low two toned whistle from their bed and he just rolled his eyes. You'd think that after years of marriage Dan would give up on that cat calling, you'd be wrong. The boy was a massive flirt and since he was married Phil received all of Dan's flirting needs. Sometimes it was sexy but most times it was bloody annoying. Phil quickly shuffled out of his pants and pulled on his pajama shirt and pants before running over to check if the door and all the windows were locked. Once satisfied that they wouldn't be brutally murdered, raped, and/or kidnapped in their sleep, he crawled into bed next to Dan.

"Night night you sexy motherfucker," Dan muttered as he laid his head on Phil's chest, earning a snort of laughter from Phil.

"Night night," Phil replied, wrapping an arm around Dan's waist while using his other hand to pull the blanket over them both. Lots of sex, drugs, and death happened in hotels and Phil quite honestly had to force himself to not think about that to ever sleep in one. Having Dan next to him made it a little better, but bottom line hotels were disgusting and Phil hated them.

Slowly but surely Phil drifted off to sleep, happy that the next morning he and his beautiful family would enjoy the day at Disney World.

"Philly, I shouldn't have read all those Disney horror stories last week, you were right, I'm fucking terrified of this goddamn ride and holly shit I swear that robot just moved," Dan said in one breath, scooting as close as possible to Phil while squeezing his husband's hand so hard it hurt both parties. Phil meanwhile, was only half paying attention to Dan as he was terrified himself, but only because one of his kids, Dillion, was three rows away and he didn't want to lose his. Now, Phil wasn't all that over protective, okay, maybe a little, but any responsible parent would be afraid when their child(ren) could be in harms way, and his baby was so far away! God, Phil was going to have such a hard time sending either of his kids off to uni.

"Love, you'll be fine, they're supposed to move," Phil said, reacting over Winnie and patting Dan's knee with his free hand that wasn't caught in the death grip of a very terrified man. He stretched himself up a little to get a better look Dillion, who seemed to be having a blast. Winnie was laughing her head off in Phil's lap (it was the only way she'd be aloud on the ride and Phil knew the first chance Dan got he'd throw her like a grenade at the first thing that moved) and Dillion seemed to be screaming the lyrics to "It's A Small World". Phil was really happy his kids were having fun, but he still worried. He wished Dillion could of just sat closer to his fathers but nooo he was too cool for that. The little shit.

Eventually the ride was over and Dan was shaking too badly to hold Winnie, so Phil just set her down and told Dillion to hold her hand. Dillion was going to refuse but Phil gave him the "I swear to God if you don't do what I told you, you're grounded until you go off to uni" face and he obliged.

After a few rides where Phil and Dillion went on alone while Dan stayed on a bench nearby with Winnie, the color started to come back to Dan's face and they could go on a few more rides as a family. Then, Dillion and Winnie managed to get their fathers to get some ice cream eam (or 'i cweam', in Winnie's case), and they stopped by a nearby Dip-n-Dots cart.

"Winnie Pooh, you like your ice cream?" Dan asked, holding the now empty spoon Winnie had just taken a bite off of (Dan was feeding her because Winnie didn't really understand the concept of hot and cold yet, or spoons for that matter). Winnie nodded eagerly, a trail of melted pink ice cream falling down her cheek that Dan quickly whipped away.

"I cweam!" Winnie exclaimed, clapping her somehow-sticky hands to show her excitement. "Yum!"

Dan smiled affectionately at his daughter and felt a cold kiss on his cheek from Phil. "I swear to got Phil if you got fucking ice cream on my cheek I'm getting a divorce," Dan said, a smile on his face because there was no way he'd actually divorce Phil. He turned to his husband who had a huge grin on his face.

"Ops," Phil said, licking his thumb and rubbing it on Dan's cheek where he'd just kissed him. Dan scrunched his eyes in disgust.

"Ewie, 'pit!" Winnie cried, slapping her hands over her eyes in disgust.

"Exactly Winnie, 'ewie 'pit'," Dan replied, pushing Phil's hand away from his face and replacing his thumb with a napkin, like that would magically make the DNA on his face disappear.

"Stop with the PDA!" Dil said from across the table. "You guys are gross!"

Both Dan and Phil laughed at that, because somewhere down the line they'd become the gross couple that's always hugging and kissing in public with two adorable kids that were messy as hell. At that, was the dream. They were living the dream, a wish they wished many years before, before they even met, and as they say in the land of dreams, "when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true".

[just-seheun]

bye 2017, hey 2018

I feel like I always get around to writing an end of the year post on tumblr even if i never really even get to use this site during the year.

well I guess it’s that time of the year (or new year I should say) where I try and look back as well as look forward.

let’s see what happened in 2017...

- let’s say, for one, ‘Murica as a whole kinda went through a lot of bullshit (still is honestly) - we’re getting rid of DACA, the tax cut bill was passed (holla @ the rich 10% and say bye to the other 90%), we’re slowly trying to get rid of/fuck up the EPA despite climate change being very real (if category 4-5 hurricanes occurring back to back is what we’d call “real”), and ya know just the firing of members of the HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention council in the government - to name a few (not to mention, continued police brutality, racial discrimination/injustice (tbh just racism as a whole), and dumb ass fucking people who - ugh 

well, moving on to maybe more lighthearted moments...

- I tried to infiltrate the Asian community a little more with (mixed, mostly unsuccessful) efforts. Idk man I tried. I think I did make stronger relationships with the Asian friends I started out with so, I think that’s definitely a major plus. (*insert thumbs up here*)

- also, kinda along with that one, I think I dived into more adventurous food/hangout spots in terms of finding kinda Asian hubs and places I vibe with (an accomplishment of last year too that I think worked and flourished even more in 2017). 

- Kind of cooled down with the whole going out scene. I still go out occasionally and have a pretty good time but it’s definitely dwindled down. We definitely started the year going out more but like I said, definitely calmed down a lot. 

- Went to my first Terp Thon FTK! Started my TTPT journey with the 1 million dollar year - pretty crazy and amazing. It was truly and unreal experience for all those kids and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Super sad I won’t be there for Terp Thon 2018 though. 

- oh! successfully (kinda) resurrected my GPA from a sad 2.7 (result of getting a 1.7 from failing calc2 and getting a D in bio) to a nice and solid 3.23 which I am tbh very proud of. A 3.8 and 3.88 (technically straight As - woo hooooo) these last two semesters - yay! Just also improving in school as a whole. I’m really starting to enjoy what I’m doing. yeah, spring ‘17 sem was more chill and fall ‘17 sem was more like hell but, overall I’m pretty excited about the work and studies I get to do. (like hell as in 3 2900-3200-word papers in the span of like 2 weeks) 

- Another academic thing, I added Art History (officially) as a Double Major which probably means a winter term here or there but still very exciting. I also feel like I’ve really learned a lot about the fundamentals of art history that I really felt like I was missing this whole time. Just like the basic timeline of movements and key artists from Burgundian Netherlands to Venice to Rococo to Realism to Cubism (and all its various forms) to Der Blauer Reiter to Contemporary and everything in between. All cool stuff - definitely makes you pay attention more to dates and stuff when visiting galleries and museums and just makes me feel more in the know if nothing else. 

- Again, another academic thing, I’m officially in the English Honors Program - woo hoo! This does, however, mean I’ll be writing a 25-page thesis but honestly it’ll be fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine... I mean I don’t really know what I’m gonna write about and I have to skype my professor for like 2 months in the summer but hey, it’s all good and if it’s not I’ll just figure it out (*insert nervous sheepish grin here*)

- Kind of started the process of cutting off 아빠 which take that with a grain of salt. It’s a mess tbh, I don’t even know what to say honestly. 

- Finally left Slaveway for good. It really tbh started becoming too much of a risk and just uncomfortable for me to stay. Not an awful job (despite the shit customers a lot of the time) but I just couldn’t stay longer.

- I feel like there was also definitely a more solidifying of sustained relationships and a distancing in others. I don’t know definitely still a lot just up in the air and a lot of familiar faces but a lot of new things and stronger bonds in 2017. 

(now, post looking at my snapchat memories from the year and realizing how much shit I did this year... lol)

- I went to 2 concerts (kinda); one being 2 Chainz and all of the many acts that came before him at Art Attack 2017 and the other being Khalid’s bomb American Teen Tour concert at the Filmore that I initially just went to because Sam wanted to go and Anh had an extra ticket that ended up being real lit. 

- Had like a little fame after writing an Odyssey Online article about Moco which was kinda cool and kinda ridiculous lol. I also just stopped writing for them all together after like less than one sem rip. 

- Also realizing I went to a lot of really cool exhibits and art-related things this past year which I’m really happy about actually. Yayoi Kusama’s exhibit was crazy amazing and well worth the wait. Artec house was really cool and just visiting the NGA, the PMA, the Hirshorn, the Freer/Sackler with a fresh and more knowledgeable outlook was really nice. Also starting those solo museum trips during the sem was really nice no matter how short-lived they were. 

Honestly this year was very different from 2016 in many many ways. I think there’s been a lot more growth in this past year but I and the community around me definitely went through a lot. 

- Something I realized this past year in unfortunate circumstances, was the prevalence of loss and losing individuals close to your community. I never thought things like death, loss, grief, and suicide were things that I would ever come across (let alone, this often) at this age. We really did lose a lot of young lives that were filled with so much potential and hope this past year especially in this community, including an old classmate. Things that we always thought to be intangible and far away landed right in front of us and I don’t think a lot of us including myself still know how to grasp all of that. It’s hard to see the people around you, the ones you grew up with and always had by your side whether you knew them well or not, lead such a tragic fate. This year made us think about mental health more and more. You realize in the most unfortunate circumstances that everyone has there own demons that they’re fighting. No one is free from them. Even in regards to Jonghyun, it affects everyone in the darkest of ways. 

This past year really made me think more about how fragile life truly is. I’ve dealt with and still deal with my own demons and the dark thoughts of my past and truly wonder especially in light of all the tragic events from this past year, what things would be like. It would be a lie if I said that they didn’t make me wonder about past thoughts of my own more. 

I think it’s sad to think that even as I wonder about all this, I still feel empty about it in the midst of being unable to process it all. I feel like in a way, whether as a result from school distracting me and my own self protecting or shielding itself, I’ve grown numb. I feel like my own mind is trying to avoid emotions at all cost in a way that’s pushing away emotion and problems by just not dealing with them (which by no means is the right way to deal with things at all bc you’re not dealing with anything). I don’t know, I guess I’m getting by and I’m not as broody as I was in the past but I wouldn’t say I’ve improved, I’ve just kind of paused in a way I guess. 

I want to end this post with a brighter look toward the future though. I think 2018 has a lot of potential waiting to happen with lots of things to look forward to that I think should be highlighted in this post. After all, a new year means moving forward, not burying your past necessarily but, using the past to cast light on the future. 

So with that, things to look forward to in 2018...

- First things first, STUDY ABROAD IN ROME for Spring ‘18 sem! I mean it doesn’t get more exciting and new than this honestly. Yes, I am super stressed and there’s so much stuff to do besides the fact that I’m paranoid and don’t know what to expect at all. I’ve never traveled abroad in my life, let alone lived away from home (ever) so this is just gonna be absolutely nuts tbh. I have lots of hopes though. Do I want a fairytale, movie-like experience? Lowkey, of course. But I also try to be a harsh realist when I can so, we’re staying generally tame about our study abroad fantasies lol. Still, I’m hoping this will be a chance to make new friends and hopefully make some of them in my art history classes as well as in the school in general. It’s been a hard few years in the whole making friends department seeing as how all my past roommates are very antisocial. Yes, I myself am also very much like this but that doesn’t mean my internal self doesn’t want a lot of friends lol. I’m excited to take a class with Evelyn and just experience the city while hopefully staying safe and smart. It’ll be a crazy and hopefully amazing semester with a lot of travel and just a lot of fun before my senior year. I could go on and on about all my thoughts and hopes for this coming semester but, I’ll just leave it at that (your girl really needs to sort her life out/figure out what to pack/pack/schedule the rest of my home excursions/get her documents together/everything else. Bottom line: we’re a mess lol.

- Hopefully a summer internship. Forreal forreal like actually. Your girl was stuck at safeway again this past year and we’re not having that shit again. Nope nuh-uh, not happening. Not this year mm mm, no. We’re gonna find one. We have to - it’s gonna happen. Trust and believe. Trust and believe! 

- Also turning 21 this year (although, this probs won’t be exciting seeing as how I’ll be legal all semester while I’m abroad, then come home and be nonlegal for another like 2 months and then be legal again). Look, I’m just looking forward to getting mimosas and going to bars without memorizing random identity information from Illinois. 

- Also 2018 is really gonna be a year for me to REALLY think about me. In all contexts, really. Academically; figuring out what it is I really want from my education and working toward making the most out of it, finding a real path for myself in terms of grad school and other things school-related. Lifewise; gauging how I’m going to continue my life. Graduation is coming faster than I can think and by this time next year, I’ll be gearing up for my last semester as an undergrad. That is so wild. 2018 is really gonna be me trying to buckle down, I suppose. Trying to cloud out my peers and their success/failures/paths and really try to hone in on myself. It’ll be a challenge but we’ve got to start somewhere, right?

All in all a lot was thrown onto the table in 2017 in a lot of different ways. It’s been a different kind of roller-coaster with much much more to come after this year (my favorite number year really, 2017). 2018 will be a test of time and one of the biggest challenges but, also hopefully a year with a lot of hope and potential for success. Wishing everyone the brightest new year with health, opportunities, growth, and burgeoning happiness! Cheers to all 2018 has to offer all of us and to all the things 2017 gave us!