#its fine if you dont like it but i really dont care that much
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slumber party
bestfriend!abby x bestfriend!reader
summary: your best friend abby calls you up for a sleepover after having not spent time together in months.
clingy!abby, friends to lovers, college!abby, college!reader, fem!reader, y/n used once, medicalstudent!abby, fluff, minor angst but mostly it's one sided, no specific descriptions of reader other than them being shorter than abby and having their hair uncovered at night
wc: 3.2k
Abigail anderson. Your best friend since primary school. Your longest friendship. Your longest crush.
You hadn't always had a crush on Abby. Sure you loved her, but only really as a friend. That was, until junior year of highschool when her body had started noticeably changing. She started working out more, her biceps bulging through every tshirt. She had a growth spurt too, now almost towering over you. You yourself weren't that short but her stature made for a quite prominent difference.
You weren't usually shallow, But c'mon. Abby was already one of the best persons in your life; smart, caring, trustworthy. Turns out you only needed that little extra push to transform your platonic admiration for her into something else. This had been going on for 5 years and you had zero intention of ever letting her know.
It would just be way too risky, confessing something like that. What if she wanted to cut you off? What if she was disgusted by your feelings? What if being friends for so long bit you in the ass and she saw you more like a sister?!
And plus, dropping something like that on her when she was already swept up by her studies to become a doctor most of the time, would be horrible. You figured, you just had to let the feelings die. Of course it was taking much longer than expected, going onto the 6th year of having said crush, but it just had to be done.
So when Abby told you her dad would be out of town and that you should sleep over, you found yourself at a crossroads. You could go, and spend time with your best friend and it be a great night. Or you could go and be so incredibly uncomfortable hiding your feelings.
"Come on, we haven't had a slumber party in ages. I feel like we're always so busy we barely have any time for each other anymore. which is crazy for us!" Abby suggested as she spoke to you over the phone.
Yeah, totally not because I've been purposefully distancing myself to get rid of this festering crush.
You responded, "I mean , don't you have studying to do? I'll just distract you."
"Dont worry about me. Plus, you wouldn't distract me, you never do." She replied with her honey-like voice that would never cease to make you melt.
"We both know that's a lie but sure." You gave in. It was your best friend. Plus you really hadn't had time together in the past few months.
It was just a sleepover with Abby. All you had to do was act normal and it'd be fine. It's just Abby.
Abby answered the door when you arrived, immediately pulling you in a for a hug, stating how much she missed you and how long its been since you properly hung out, just the two of you.
"This place hasn't changed at all." you say, looking around at the familiar picture frames of her and her dad still plastered in their same spots on the walls.
"Yeah, we're both pretty busy all the time so," she trailed off. "You want anything to drink?" she asked, grabbing your overnight bag from you and heading to place it in her room.
"Nah, but I'll help myself, it's fine." you respond, following her into her room.
Her room has seen a few minor changes, none of which younwerent aware of though. It might have been years since you actually set foot into her bedroom, but you still saw it regularly. During your as frequent as possible facetime calls, you got to see through her camera the little changes she'd make to her walls. Even got to help in the decision process sometimes.
"It's been a while since you've been in here huh?" she asked, sitting on the edge of her bed, eyeing you as you peered at all her stuff.
"Yeah, cant believe how long it's been." you replied, distracted by the sheer amount of personality visible on her walls and desk.
Her college textbooks neatly tucked away on the side of her desk in a stack, near her pencil holder that held various shades of highlighters and pens. There were multiple pictures on the wall directly above her desk, along with many post it's of medical terms. Most of them were of her and her dad, or of her dog froma. few years ago, Alice. But right in the middle there were two of you and her. One from when you were much younger, closer to the time you first became friends and the other from your highschool graduation.
You made a mental note to take more pictures with her once you overcame your crush.
You looked around for a moment more, realising there was no mattress or anything on the ground. Sure, you slept on the same bed together before but that was when you were kids. Years ago.
"Soooo should I sleep on the couch or the ground?" you asked jokingly, secretly hoping she'd actually have an answer.
She laughed, "Oh come on, it might've been some time but we're not strangers." she joked with her beautiful smile.
Fuck.
You chuckled at this, hoping it seemed genuine and didn't expose the fear you felt of being so close to her for so long. Abby, however, noticed your shift in energy. Choosing not to say anything, she promptly changed the subject.
"Alright, what's for dinner?" she got up from the bed and led you both back out to the living room. Grabbing the TV remote, she put on one of her rnb playlists. "I was thinking we could cook something, chat and catch up for a bit then maybe watch a movie or something."
Gosh, she'd really thought this through. "Abby I hope that you don't have outstanding assignments due while you're doing all of this," you scolded her, already getting back into the groove of things.
She sighed, "Uugggghhh no, mom. I'll have you know that I am actually very ahead of my assignments. And even if I were behind, I'd still wanna be hanging with you tonight."
You looked at her with a raised eyebrow as she came around your frame to hug you from behind. You forgot how physically affectionate she was, and how much you missed it. You tried to not lean into it too much. The last thing you needed right now was to give yourself any false hope.
"I just- I really need this right now," she said with a sigh that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, dropping her head on your shoulder. You were so caught up in your own thoughts and feelings that you hadn't even stopped to think about how stressful school and everything must be for her. You turned your head slightly towards her, faces mere inches away from each other.
"I really need this right now and you're so fucking tense that I can't even give you a proper hug!" she stated, attacking you with tickles.
You screamed in laughter as she jammed her fingers into your sides, not giving up her mission to make you laugh. You tried running away but her grip on you was too strong, as expected of abby. Your attempts, however, did lead you to toppling over the couch, with her on top of you. She continued tickling you as you laughed, both smiling wide.
Through squeals and breaths you tried to reason it her, "Okay! Okay stop."
"There she is," she smiled, finally halting the tickles. You looked up at her, trying so very hard not to grab her by the collar and kiss her stupid.
She sat up, straddling your hips as you still lay on the couch, breathing heavily. You raised your head slightly, looking her directly in the eyes.
Gathering her breath, she started, "Okay. Now tell me, what's going on with you?" she asked, pushing her flyaways behind her ears.
Confused you asked, "Me?"
"Mhmm, you've been all distant and weird around me for quite some time." she supplied, hands resting on her thighs. her big, muscular thighs. snap out of it!
Shit, she noticed. "I-" you didn't know how to respond.
Worry evident on her face she continued, "Did I do something? Because if I did you gotta let me know, i- I've been so focused on school and-"
"No! no, n- it's not anything you've done. don't worry" you answered, "I guess I've just been feeling a bit...." you pulled something out your ass quickly, "lonely, lately."
Not entirely wrong. It was gonna have to work.
"I'm sorry." she replied, empathy clear on her face as she leaned forward to hold your arms. "But hey, I guess this came at the perfect time then huh? You won't be lonely tonight, I'll make sure of it. 'kay? Now let's go make something and you have to tell me everything that's been going on with you." she pat your thighs before coming off. Her weight would be a missed presence on your lap.
The music played at a comfortable volume as you two easily maneuver around the kitchen, cooking up a simple pasta dish. You talked about anything and everything, fully catching each other up on what the other had missed in their lives. In all your attempts at dodging her and keeping your distance, you'd forgotten why you two were best friends in the first place.
Abby was easy to talk to. She always knew how to cheer you up and how to comfort you. As did you to her. When you would hang out, there was always fun to ensue. Which is exactly why you fell in love with her. But as you were here, having chopped and prepared all the other ingredients and awaiting the water to boil, dancing and laughing around the kitchen hand in hand with Abby, you decided that just for tonight you could forget the complications that having a crush on Abby would cause and just lean into your best friend whom you missed so much.
When the meal was done, you both retreated to the couch where you sat closely next to each other in search of a movie to watch.
"I feel like nothing looks good," Abby stated, as she kept scrolling through the site.
"We could always hate watch something?" you suggested cheekliy, knowing that Abby was already not a big movie person and that it would be an utter waste of time for her to watch one that wasn't good.
"Ha ha very funny." she deadpanned, "What's that one you always wanted to watch when we were younger? Let's just watch that."
"Are you sure? Because you'll have to put up with me quoting almost the entire thing. And singing all of the songs." you weren't really asking seeing as she had already found the film, Tangled, and was ready to press play.
"I'll be fine pumpkin."
She hadn't called you that name in years. It was nice to hear it again.
As promised you quoted almost all of the movie, under your breath though, so as to not annoy Abby too much. It was more like a light whisper/lipsync. Unbeknownst to you, while you were thoroughly enjoying what was one of your favourite movies ever, Abby hadn't even been paying attention. She'd been looking at you for the majority of the film's runtime, only looking at the screen when you turned to look at her and found her not focused enough.
"You're missing important character development here Abby, he bought the apples for maximus!"
After the movie you both cleaned the dishes, then went to her room.
Another thing you forgot to consider in all your rumination, showering. You and Abby weren't the shower together type of best friends but it was definitely a 'not a big deal if we see each other naked' type of deal. So you'd often change into and out of clothes in front of each other with no problems. If the whole night so far wasn't gonna do it, this would be the fucking nail in the coffin. Abby, changing out of her clothes, right in front of you.
You didn't want to come off as suspicious by clearly turning away but you also didn't want to feel like a perv and look at her in her underwear, knowing full well that you wished it were under different circumstances. So you opted for casually directing your attention to somewhere else in the room as she stood naked a few feet in front of you.
"I guess I'll go in first," she annouced grabbing her towel and leaving the room.
You let out a breath you didn't realise you were holding as you quickly undressed and wrapped your towel around your body. You sat at the edge of her bed and waited for her to be done as you tried to calm your nerves.
It absolutely did not help your nerves when she stepped out of the bathroom and into her room, glistening from the shower. Muscles on full display, unbraided hair cascading down her back while some stuck to her face. She looked like a goddess. You quickly got up and headed into the shower, leaving her in her room to change.
It was like the more you decided to just let go of your feelings for Abby, the more she'd do things that made you fall for her all over again. You ended up taking way longer than usual in the bathroom, mustering up the courage to face her again while also trying to steady your heart rate.
Finally exiting the bathroom, changed and ready for bed, she closed the door, took off her bedroom light and hopped in right next to you. At first you both stayed silent, staring up at the ceiling, before she broke the silence.
"I'm really glad you were able to come," she expressed, turning on her side to face you.
You mimicked her position, scooting a little closer to the middle of the bed. "I'm glad I did."
You stared into each other's eyes for a moment, really taking the other in, before you spoke up again.
"You said you really needed this, what's going on with you?" you asked, poking a finger into her arm.
She looked down at where you touched her arm then back up into your eyes. Sighing with a smile, she responded, "School has been kinda stressful I guess, but to tell you the truth, I just missed you." She scooted closer to you, moving her hand from under her head to caressing yours.
No. She meant that as a friend of course. Do not get your hopes up again.
"You're tense again." she pointed out, hand still laying on your hair.
God, why was she so perceptive?!
"No I'm not?" you scoffed. Your deflection did not work on her.
"Yes you are. You've got that look in your eye again," she continued caressing your hair, "What's going on up there?"
You sat up, pulling away from her touch. She followed you in sitting upright on the bed.
You knew that lying about everything being fine would not work any better than it's been all day, so you figured you'd at least give her something.
"If I tell you, you might not want to hang around me anymore."
She looked at you incredulously. How could you ever think something like that? "Did you kill someone or something?" she teasingly suggested with a laugh, that being the only plausible situation in her head. She didn't miss how you looked at her, amusement absent on your face.
"Sorry, I just- no matter what it is, I won't stop being your friend y/n." she said seriously, one hand moving to touch your thigh.
"Please don't, because if I tell you and you really don't wanna be associated with me anymore it'll just hurt more." you barely got out, eyes becoming teary. You knew you were scared of something like this happening. Your increasing heartbeat and glassy eyes further proved just how terrified this made you.
If Abby wasn't worried before, she certainly was now. "Hey, I get to decide who stays in my circle and who doesn't okay?" She cradled your face.
You shook your head, still not giving into confession. "Everything's gonna change and I don't want it to so let's just forget it."
"If things have to change...then I'll just make sure it's for the better." How could she be so reassuring without even knowing what was going to be said? She held your chin, tilting your head to look at her.
With a sigh, you finally gave in, "I feel so much..love.....for you..since high school. And it's only gotten worse recently. I swear I've tried making it go away, I've tried so much. I don't wanna be a bad friend by springing this on you but i also know that trying and failing to hide it isnt doing me any favours either so.." Tears were streaming down your face, your sniffles becoming the most prominent sound in the room.
"And now because you know, things are never gonna be the same and I just wish I'd been better at hiding it. I wish I never had these feelings in the first place. Then this wouldn't be happening and I wouldn't have to lose my best friend right after we had so much fun together."
Abby was silent. Staring into your eyes, her expression unreadable. She looked down into her lap, a small smile growing on her lips, before looking back up at you.
She leaned forward till there was barely space in between the two of you. Abby glanced down at your lips then back up to your eyes, making it clear what she was referring to. "Can I?"
Your heart rate was through the roof. There's no way she wanted this too. "Are you not.. worried about how things are gonna be between us now?"
"I said I'd make sure the change was for the better, didn't I?"
"You can."
In what felt like zero time, Abby carefully crashed her lips onto yours. Her lips were soft, her touch gentle. It was exactly what you imagined this to be like.
Gently pulling away, she wiped your tears with her thumb, looking at you with so much love in her eyes you swore the rest of the world would now be void of it.
Through sniffles and smiles you apologized, "Sorry hah, I'm a mess."
"Did you really think I couldn't love you?" Abby asked, holding your face in her hands. "I've loved you before I even knew what love was, pumpkin."
Her efforts to wipe your tears were now fruitless, your eyes pouring out streams of emotion.
She pulled you in for a hug. This time, a proper one, without the weight of what could have been laying on your entire being. You shared one more kiss, Abby then kissing your forehead as you both lay down to finally sleep. A sleep void of worries and stress.
You were actually hers.
soooo sorry if that was basically 95% buildup for 5% payoff. I totally wrote this in a whim at late hours of the night. anyway, hope you enjoy. requests are open! to those whove requested, I am working on your stuff so have no fear :>
#abby anderson fluff#abby anderson#abby the last of us#abby x reader#abby tlou2#lesbian#abby anderson x reader
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dylric angst fanfic - part two
includes necro, noncon, hints of prey/predator, etc.
notes: rapist murder with a side of library necro suicide please! (yes so what if i used zero hour pictures for the banner…)
edit: ((if my phone corrects my shit one more time im gonna smash it…its SUPPOSED TO BE ZERO HOUR SMH…))
right to the end, just like a friend
i tried to warn you somehow
you had your way, now you must pay
im glad that youre sorry now
the hours had passed by quicker then dylan and eric could comprehend.
dylan had spent the whole night, sobbing into erics shoulder while he sat there and held him. it was the sweetest thing hes ever done for him.
until now.
they were dressed and ready to go. everything they needed to do was done, they were in their spots, and now all they had to do was wait for the bombs to go off in the cafeteria.
dylan stared at the building while everything was starting to hit him. this was really gonna happen, he was really gonna do this.
he was going to do this with his best friend and prove to everyone that they were gods - they decided who lived and who died for their mistakes.
he thinks to himself though that they shouldve gone off at this point.
he looked across the lot to eric, seeing him looking down at his watch and shaking his head. he looks up and then back down, cursing to himself.
he makes a quick move to grab the rest of what needed out of his car and dylan does as well once he sees it.
he had no idea what they were gonna do now - their plan revolved around the bombs, but as long as his friend had some semblance of a plan then he was fine with that.
eric walks his way over across the lot to dylan “cmon, vee, lets just get this over with - that freakin’ crap isnt gonna go off.” he was obviously annoyed, but he was gonna make the most out of this.
dylan nodded “yeah - yeah, alright.” is all he answered with before they both turned to head in.
-
they took care of everyone outside with ease, then dealt with everyone inside. it was going a little smoother then they expected it to, but it still had its faults.
they were split up for awhile too before they finally came back together and recuperated, ready for their next step.
however, dylan hadnt noticed any of the boys they were *really* after. they had taken care of who they wanted to except for them.
if they had stayed home today for whatever reason or had somehow escaped then this was totally ruined.
it made dylan nervous and frustrated - it made eric absolutely pissed.
he wasnt gonna go down without those fuckers going down with them - he promised dylan that it would be the last thing he does.
they walk through one of the hallways, glass cracking beneath their boots and blood making the floor slippery.
“have you seen them yet?” eric asked, looking over to dylan. he wasnt sure exactly what they looked like or who they were - he had a very vague idea, but it was hard to get any information from dylan about it.
the blonde shook his head “no, i havent. theyve gotta be around here somewhere - i thought i saw their cars in the lot.” he had remembered seeing the cars parked outside, but he couldve just been seeing things.
they both could tell how each other were feeling. eric could tell that dylan was on edge and was frustrated that he might not get to see them be taken down before his own death while dylan could tell that eric was pissed they were being pussies and not showing themselves - so much for being tough guys, huh?
“its fine, ill find them. dont worry,” eric reassured him, but paused “i promised you that.” he hesitated to say it and it came out all embarrassed, but it made dylan smile.
“thanks, reb.” he replied as they turned the corner.
the brunette was about to say something else, but as they rounded that corner they were face to face with who they were looking for.
there was four of them there. four muscular white guys who were jocks on the schools sports teams. they looked all tough and proud, but now they were about to be nothing.
they were trying to open one of the exit doors and as if it was some miracle from the god they didnt believe in, the door was jammed. it wouldnt open no matter how hard they tried.
it made eric snicker - natural selection, bitch, is what he thought.
the brunette looks to the other, seeing the blank look on his face and his stiff posture. that alone told him all he needed to know.
he walks right up ahead, checking his gun as he did so to make sure it was loaded.
“hey, assholes!,” he called over to them “turn around, let me get a good look at you!”
they each turn their heads, confused, but the confusion quickly turns to horror as they try harder to open the door.
“cmon, man, you dont gotta shoot us,” one of them speaks up, but he fails to sound manly and his voice shook “we didnt do shit to you!” he spat while his friends tried to tell him to lay off.
erics eyes narrowed, glaring while his finger hovered over the trigger “are you that retarded? didnt do anything?,” he laughed, turning his head to look at dylan who was a little further back “vodka, did these fags do something? or are we just making it up?”
dylan shakes his head as if to say they werent making it up. he swallowed hard.
“yeah? name one fuckin’ thing!” the other answered with quickly. he clearly wasnt too smart to be taunting like this.
dylan doesnt want to name anything. he doesnt want to describe what happened just for these sick fucks. he doesnt want to think about it more then he already has.
he hoped eric understood and he did.
he turned to look back at the other boys “you know what you did.” he hissed, respecting dylans obvious discomfort.
none of the boys say anything for a moment until one of them whispers something to the other.
“oh - oh, yeah! *you* guys!,” he laughed “i didnt do shit to *you*, harris, but maybe to that freak over there!,” he continued laughing as he pointed towards dylan - even his friends who were hesitant before seemed to giggle along with him “it was all just a joke, ya know, we didnt mean anything! way to get overdramatic like a girl!”
he just wouldnt shut up and even his friends joined in, saying snide remarks and insults.
the two of them just stared, listening to all of it. let them run their mouths and ruin this for themselves, they figured.
“youre such a pussy, klebold! making your little boyfriend fight for you? seriously? man up, shoot me like a fuckin’ man!”
that was it for eric. he raised his gun and pressed his finger down on the trigger - all hell broke loose again.
it was a symphony of screaming, bullets, and the click of his gun. it was music to his ears.
dylan on the other hand was in complete shock - like an animal almost. it was surreal to watch the boys who assaulted him be murdered right in front of him, especially by his best friend.
he didnt ever entertain thoughts like this, but, god was it hot.
he couldnt even think of a better way to say it - it was just *hot.*
eric looked so focused, so set on making sure each of them had enough lead put into them to last them their trip to hell. the way his shirt and pants clung to him - the sweat dripping down his forehead and arms - it was all so attractive.
he lets off the last couple of bullets, the hallway turning eerily quiet and peaceful besides the distant shrill of the fire alarm and police outside. they both stare at the mess of blood and bodies.
eric doesnt even realize when dylan finally walks up next to him, abruptly grabbing him by his face with both hands and placing his lips to his.
his eyes widened, completely caught off guard. he wasnt expecting anything like that at all - maybe just some shared words about how good it felt to do that, but not a kiss.
eric knew better, but it gave him a sick sense of power.
he just murdered his best friends rapists for him - it was almost like he owed him now.
he could be the hero and kill those guys, but that doesnt make him any better. he was a teenage boy with an obsession for power.
dylan pulled away less then a second later, clearly embarrassed “sorry, sorry,” it comes out quickly, ready to explain himself “you just - looked really good,” it comes out a little softer then he meant it to. theres a soft layer of blush that eric is just barely able to make out on his face “thank you, eric.”
they werent more then friends. thats what they thought, but there was always something - something between the two of them that extended far past the label of friendship. an underlying need.
even the events from the previous night theyd chalk up to close friendship, but it was more then that.
eric doesnt reply, but instead grabs the front of dylans shirt and pulls him back down, kissing him again.
the blonde is surprised, but he quickly reciprocates.
it was ironic how intimate this seemed considering their situation, but this was their last chance to ever do something like this. no one was here to judge them - it was just them and the end of their world.
they stay there like that without a care and its so oddly sweet, but erics own needs get the best of him.
he lets go of his friends shirt, but instead puts his hands on his hips - his nails dig in just the smallest bit.
however, dylan isnt a fan. it makes him a little uncomfortable - he was more then grateful for what he just did for him, but he wasnt trying to be like *that*.
he pulled away just a moment later, wiping away some of his spit with the back of his gloved hand.
the brunette is less then happy to have him pull away, but he doesnt say anything about it. he knew better - thats what he told himself.
“i think we should go.” the other broke their silence. the end was inevitable and they both knew it. they didnt want to say it outright, but they already knew what needed to be done.
“yeah,” eric answered back “im done with this crap anyway. we gave them what they were asking for - lets go.”
-
its a quiet walk down to the library aside from the occasional comment with laughter and the random firing of their guns.
they had did it - they accomplished the only goal they set out for themselves. they did what they had to do.
now it would be over - all the chaos and terror would come to an end and they would finally be set free from this hell they were born into.
now they were in the library, sitting on the floor together. they ran their plans over hundreds of times, but they never really seemed to go over this part.
they were both checking over their guns, making sure they were set and ready.
“we’re doing it together, right?” eric asked, earning a nod from dylan “yeah. should be easiest that way.”
the discussion of that stops there. there wasnt really much to be said. they were going to die no matter how they did it.
dylan goes to place the end of his gun to the roof of his mouth, but he paused, turning to his friend.
“thank you - you know, for everything,” the other turns his head as he speaks “you were a great friend, reb.” theres something so surreal about the way he says it - they never put any thought into what their last words would be, so for it to be something so genuine was odd.
the brunette smiled “yeah, you too, vee,” its so weird to hear anything nice come out of his mouth, but it happens anyway “guess we’ll see each other in hell, huh?” he laughed and so does the other. they could barely ever take themselves seriously.
“yeah, man. ill see you there.” he replied back through his laughing. it sounded like they were just joking around - like they hadnt just murdered people and were about to finish themselves.
the laughter dies down though, being their final sign to get things moving along.
dylan placed the gun where it needed to be, glancing over to eric as if to let him know he should do it too, which he does.
neither of them make a move - at least until the blonde turns his head away, finger over the trigger. his friend followed his actions, keeping a finger over the trigger as well.
only a moment later did eric hear the bang from the gun, followed by the thud of his friends body falling.
this was where he was supposed to pull the trigger - end whatever suffering he was supposedly going through, but something makes him hesitate.
he knows what hes supposed to do - he knows he shouldn’t look over and should just get this over with, but he cant help it when he pulls the gun away and looks over to dylan.
it was just about as graphic as he wouldve expected. his head was blown open and the blood was already making a mess on the floor - he noticed how some of the splatter even got on his arm.
it was definitely weird to see his friend that way, but he couldn’t seem to piece together any other emotions. it was just *weird.*
he looks away and puts the gun back to where it belongs. he had to get this over with and just be done with it - there was no other way out of it. however, again, something makes him hesitate.
thats until he hears what sounds like gagging and choking.
he moves the gun away again and looks back over, seeing now that dylan was choking on his own blood while his body seemed to twitch and convulse.
it was a bad shot - a terrible shot even. he shouldve aimed better, but eric couldnt look away.
he just stared and watched.
it was wrong - so, so wrong about what he thought of next. he still owed him - he owed him for killing those guys who had hurt him. he didnt want to be on the same level as those guys, but he was far past that now that hes killed their classmates and committed crimes of his own.
he quietly set his gun down on the floor, getting up and sitting right in between his thighs.
was he seriously going to do this? was he really going to be as sick and disgusting as those guys - if not worse? yes, he was.
he swallowed hard, reaching a hand up to unzip his pants and pull them down. hes greeted with pale, scarred skin and thin thighs. it was a little off putting - he wasnt a big fan of the scars, but he carried on anyway.
he knew he had to make this as quick as possible considering there probably wouldnt be a lot of time before the police arrived in the building. of course, he didnt know that it would take them as long as it really did, but he just had to make the assumption.
he quickly pulled down his boxers and barely gives himself a chance to look at him before he was already taking care of his own. he unzipped his pants and pulled his boxers down just enough to take his cock out.
it was kind of disgusting how hard he already was. who knew all this murder and gore would get him so worked up.
eric readjusted their position, fixing the position of dylans legs and body, which was hard to do because of all the involuntary movement.
any thoughts of morality were thrown out the window at this point - there was no time for him to think about how wrong this was. he just had to do it. it was owed to him.
he lines up with the other, forcing himself in with a hiss. it was a tight fit - he wasnt welcomed here and he never would be. the groan it pulled out from dylan only proved that further.
he pulls back out, pushing back in and trying to get a pace started. its slow and rather awkward - he had never had sex with anyone before so he really only knew how to do this because of porn - and even that wasnt a great reference material when dylan didnt have a cunt like the girls he watched.
the brunette tries to make it work though, biting down on his lip as he forced himself in as far as he could go.
he would be lying if he said it didnt feel good. it felt *amazing.* maybe the blonde really did feel that good or maybe the situation made it better. he had no idea and he would never know.
he holds onto his hips for more leverage, trying to build up a better, quicker pace. it works somewhat - his own precum starting to make the slide bearable and easy.
he pulled another noise from the boy on the floor once he started to go faster, listening to his continued gagging and groaning. it was like he was aware, but just not quite.
it didnt matter though, he was gonna finish one way or another.
shame starts to creep its way in, but he has to shove it down. he feels ashamed that hes doing this to his best friend whos about half dead on the floor - not to mention he was another guy. his first time shouldve been with some pretty girl he met, not with a guy he considered his best friend who was bleeding out onto the floor.
at the same time though theres something about that specific fact. something so primal about taking what was his - not having a care about what anyone would think of him for doing this. he was an animal, a predator taking what he needed from his prey - what he was owed and deserved.
the thought of that alone just about sends him over the edge - thrusting in particularly hard with a moan of his own. he does it again, followed by one more until hes finally spilling inside of him.
the twitch of dylans body and the gagging seems to stop as he did so.
he stays inside of him, not bothering to pull out. his whole body felt fuzzy and there was a sort of hazy feeling that hung over him. it was euphoric, really.
he has to pull out though against his own needs, looking over his work. he just about gets another erection when barely any of his cum leaks out.
he has to refrain himself though. he stuffs his own cock back into his boxers, fixing his pants and then turning his attention to his friend. he pulls up his pants and boxers too, fixing them and putting everything back into place.
eric wondered what the reports would say about this. what the autopsy report would say about the cum left inside of his friend and on his own dick - maybe theyd say he had raped him in death which wouldnt be wrong, or maybe theyd think it happened before - that dylan was some kind of faggot who willingly took it up the ass.
either way, it didnt matter.
eric wouldnt be around to see it and neither would dylan.
#tcc fandom#tcc tumblr#tccblr#tcctwt#tee cee cee#tccblur#teeceecee#dylan columbine#eric columbine#tcc columbine#columbine tcc#columbine 1999#dylric#dylan and eric#eric and dylan#anoufrievboy fanfics
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Ok hi time to rant abt hazbin/helluva because i will forever be upset about the outcome of those shows.
Indie animation has been on a rise lately, with so many different amazing shows being available on youtube.
I watched the hazbin hotel pilot around the time it came out, and it really interested me. The characters seemed interesting and the premise wasnt really something you see often. I was excited.
I kept up with Viv's work and got into helluva boss. I thought it had some good jokes and the bits of lore we got made me want to keep watching. However, the premise of literally every episode is the same. A bad ex or a bad dad. Its a formula, and it shows up in Hazbin too.
Viv has some obsession with daddy issues, and problems with characterising her women characters. Charlie is the *main character* of Hazbin Hotel, but she has literally no growth or development. Millie also falls victim to this.
The one episode where she actually gets some attention feels... wrong? It felt like they were mischaracterising Moxxie so that they can fabricate conflict between Moxxie and Millie. Moxxie loves his wife, and he has literally never once been shown or implied that he would try to upstage her. Yeah, he's definitely got some inferiority going on, hes constantly being belittled by Blitz. Hes the show's punching bag, but i feel like it had never been implied that he hated himself more than he loved his wife. I hate that episode with a burning passion because how tf are you going to mischaracterise your own fucking characters.
I hate the way they did Lucifer. He should NOT have been some wacky, silly guy who just doesnt know how to reach out to his daughter. He's not bad! He's just anxious UwU. His entire character is irritating. Having a wacky fun character is fine, i love characters like that, but Lucifer shouldn't have been that character.
In the pilot, it was implied that Lucifer hangs over Charlie and his influence puts a lot of pressure on her, but then we meet him and hes just. A guy. Who doesnt talk to his daughter a lot. Which makes absolutely no sense. You could argue that they retconned a lot from the pilot, which, yeah, its all new voice actors so, sure. But then, why wouldnt they remake it in some way, in any way?
Not to mention that all the characters feel flat. Even in Helluva. In Helluva we get filler and backstory, but even then the characters dont change or grow. Quite literally the only good thing out of Helluva is Fizz. His arc and story is the only one that actually breaks from the formula of bad ex bad dad and his character actually changes from the lessons in the episode. I love Fizz for pretty much that reason alone.
Moxxie and Biltz have an episode where they promise to be nicer to eachother *and then they fucking don't?* They stay the *exact same* towards each other. If you're going to do that, then don't make a story based show. Make one of those slice of life, 10 minute episodes combined into one 20 minute episode that shows no growth, and is just there to be fun. Those shows arent bad, they just have a different purpose.
I've been so upset with the results of Hazbin Hotel. The pacing is awful, the characters have no time to change or grow, and their dynamics just arent interesting. It sucks because I saw a world where this indie show got on amazon prime (!!) And was amazing and did amazing things and set the stage for other indie shows to finally get big and then all we got was poorly written, rushed slop that feels like a huge kick in the teeth to anyone who cared about the show. Or, at least, it did to me.
#hazbin critical#hazbin hotel critical#not even going to get into vivs shady business practices behind the scenes because thats been throughly ignored plenty#certified atlas post#whatever im just upset#ill always mourn what could have been
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friends to himym to new girl are like. shows for each decade from the 90s to the 2010s that are literally just about people who are friends living life together. obviously himym has the "dad telling his kids the story of his life" but its really mostly just about the characters living life without a super big hook like scrubs, community, the office, or the good place
also super interesting to me that they really all ran for about a decade like friends was 1994-2004, himym picks up immediately after with 2005-2014 and new girl is 2011-2018. friends is pretty 90s most of the time, himym's in the middle but was mostly a 2000s show, and new girl is firmly a 2010s show
SOMETHING ELSE I REALIZED while writing this post was that they kind of show the shift between sitcoms with laugh tracks and sitcoms without ones. friends is pretty clowned on now for the laugh track but at least it's an actual live audience unlike the nickelodeon/ disney ones, himym was edited first and then shown to a studio audience but the laugh track is noticeably quieter than friends's track, and new girl is a single cam like most sitcoms now are
does seinfeld count as a show that's really just about people living their lives???? i haven't seen all of it but from the like 1.5 seasons ive seen i think it does???? and it started in 1989 up to like 1998 but that feels like a 90s thing to me
sorry for how long this is i was having Thoughts
#crunchyposts#sitcoms#im rambling i love sitcoms sorry i noticed this it was super interesting to me#wild how ive seen all of the examples i mentioned like they all ran for a While and i've seen a bunch not mentioned here#.....im gonna admit this now i've seen literally all of the big bang theory#i dont know why. i just watched all 12 seasons. and the first 2 of young sheldon. i just needed to finish it ig#also hot take the laugh tracks in friends and himym dont bother me#its fine if you dont like it but i really dont care that much#i do think the pacing of jokes is generally better without a laugh track though like abbott elementary's pace is so good#actually what sitcoms /have/ i seen. like in full#full house and b99 and superstore are a couple that come to mind#i guess also modern family and parks and rec#....... how many /shows/ have i seen
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carefully attempted to draw (still sick); wanted to give Shargon another redesign, this is an older version of him but the basics should also go for his younger self (idk yet about his lung replacement design; arms are posed weird to make anatomy clearer)
(wip, oc art, Shargon, he/they)
#ganondoodles#art#oc#oc art#wip#character design#im really liking this one ngl#posted this on twitter but didnt here bc its just a wip but .. idk how far i will get with this lol#i know barely anyone is interested in oc art#especially when its not my usual big buff type i love so much#everything needs a lil variety tho!#and this build just fits shargon more than the typical#if anyone can make sense of it-#the extra arms he gets (red ones) are bc he gains another heart from Eadrya so he has two hearts and two elements now thus changed#(dw Eadrya is fine .... it makes sense in lore but its alot to explain and i dont think anyone would care anyway)#not trying to be dismissive- just realistic to save myself the time writing it and disappointment when no one reads it :U#i need to put more effort into oc art if i want anyone to care#at least i know Eadrya has always at least one fan (thank you calamity <3)
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well hold on, if we define a character flaw as any limitation a character deals with, regardless of whether it's something Morally Wrong With Them or not, then Ford's paranoia counts as a character flaw since it does in fact negatively impact him and the people around him. Let me use better wording here: I will die on the hill that Ford's paranoia is not a moral failing.
#'i'll die on this hill' one second later: un-dies on that hill on a technicality#godsrambles#one way in which i probably differ from ford is that i could not care less about winning any arguments all i care about is being accurate#people are right about a lot of fords character flaws actually. the part they are wrong about is which ones are Moral Failings#and also people misinterpret his motivations and intentions behind things. but the flaws themselves? sure yeah people can identify those#unpopular opinion but i think ego is fine on its own too depending on how you define ego. case in point: papyrus. yknow the skeleton#it only becomes a problem when you're putting other people down. which i dont think ford is guiltless of but. the others do that too#idk sometimes when other people go 'omg... ego moment :/' im like 'a chance to hype eachother up! yay' i dont assume im being looked down o#unless thats specifically demonstrated to be happening#but the thing that kills me is that stan constantly puts other people down. but since he doesnt idk have an ego or talk weird its fine??#i very much agree with dipper when he replied to mabel with 'ford doesnt make fun of me all the time like you guys do'#and like once again. to each their own#some people see that level of making fun of people/being made fun of as just friendly banter and thats fair enough#but i really appreciate that ford isn't like that
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this may be a hot take, but im enjoying pvp civilization more than parkour civilization. SPOILERS INCOMING
my favorite moments/things:
the "magic system" is top tier. you can give away a significant chunk of your lifespan in order to gain xyz thing. this is the only way to get food. killing others extends your lifespan. like holy moly what the heck
evbo coming back after death interacts with the above in an obvious but dark way. yeah, hes going to be farmed for kills by literally everyone, they can feed off of his immortality and extend their lifespans
the way his one sided romantic interest in tabi is immediately and clearly dunked on by literally everyone, including tabi is soooo funny. i think she currently sees him as, at best, a tool. which is in line for everyone else in the series. she could become main villain.
he actually grows as a person in regards to the above.
the fact that other people interact with his monologues, and the fact theres an in universe camera hes monologuing too makes the constant speaking so much less annoying. i also think the wider cast of characters also helps with that, so its not him narrating 24/7
the moment he bribes a guard like a bazillion swings to go up to the 1v1 arena and then he and tabi realizes that only 1 person can leave after they team up against the chestplate player is an insane moment. like 1) the rules of the arena are absolute 2) that guard was trying to get as many swings as possible and expected him to die 3) at this point his respawnability was uncertain, so there was still some stakes with his death and 4) tabi gets some very solid characterization here
evbo's character ambushes and kills random people in the market.
#anyways i like it#probably more than parkour civ#but i dont think id like it as much if i didnt watch parkour civ first you know?#like its twist on the format has an interesting effect on the the world and characters#i know people didnt like the romance bit#but i thought it was funny how directly and clearly every character was like “you are stupid and dumb” in response#also tabi is a great character. i love how she does not care about evbo or his feelings and only sees him as a tool#really good contrast between her and the much more emotion driven evbo who records himself talking about his feelings every day#the constant 4th wall breaks can be a little funky but i think its fine
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no actually I’d like to hear your thoughts on the isat ending
Like i said it felt really tropey and by that i meant that it’s just Everything Good Happens forever and…..that’s it ? like idk we were building up to this huge catharsis sort of thing and then we got to it and it was so sudden and not a good payoff and just kind of nothingburger of an ending . the fact that everyone just forgives siffrin bothers me, or at least the fact that they don’t confront them about the shit they’ve said and done. call me a mental illness villainizer but i think if you’re a fucking asshole and doing the most insensitive things to the people you care about then hey, i think those ppl have a right to fucking tell you off for it. likeeee idk being at your lowest point …… not an excuse …. not feeling it chief ……. like sure the message is to move past your mistakes or whatever but ? that doesn’t mean just getting away with it ??? and i just really don’t understand Why everyone forgives him. honestly at the end of the day the ending is just one problem, the root of which are the characters. everyone feels like trope cardboard cutouts. oh, this is the smart one. this is the smol bean. this is the himbo. and they all care for each other btw. Did u hear that? they all care for each other. we’re not really going to explain to you why these people are so close or what they went through together but just trust me man they’re sooo found famy. like …. okay. i’ve played 30 hours of this game and not once did i buy that any of the characters really cared about each other. like??? why???? You’re telling me everyone super cares about siffrin even though they barely know them?? you’re telling me siffrin cares about everyone sooo much even though he never even bothered to find out their problems before ? Wat ? and this just breaks the ending more because literally whyyy do these people care about him so bad. and then it’s just whyyy does siffrin Have to tell them anything he doesn’t even seem to know them that well. everyone feels like colleagues and Just Friends at best. and so the ending just seems really forced. like it was written by that type of tumblr user who’s always talking about aww why does the found family have to break up after the end of the journey :( which is like fiiiiine. i guess. but u guys know that u have to build up to it right?? you can’t just tell me they’re Family Members(tm) 102829 times and that they super care about each other source: trust. you can’t just do that and then expect me to believe it ….. It feels unearned. the ending feels unearned and i don’ttttt understand what i’m supposed to take away from it . that it’s ok to fuck people up because you’re traumatized and insecure?? that you have to talk about your deepest problems with people you barely know??? i just dont know. Like i said if im being honest the problems with this game’s writing are more than just the ending, it just stands out so much because there’s a lot of build up and then just …… That
#honest to god if you want a Good Example of a story like this just look at dungeon meshi#we start the story from the end of the characters’ journey. they all don’t know each other very well and they’re just working together#hell they don’t even like each other that much. And then as the story develops and they go through their journey we get to see them bond and#get closer and fight and make up and admit they care about each other and still be mad at each other#nobody even gives a fuck about laios at the beginning of the story but by the end of it they’re all willing to die for him. THAT feels#earned. when marcille super fucks up and everyone tells her off for it but still wants to just make sure she’s ok That feels earned#like honest to god i’d take marcille’s arc any day than whatever’s siffrin going on#i just feel like this game suffers from a chronic Tell Dont Show syndrome. we get old over and over again that these characters are close#told*#and that they care about each other. And that’s just ….. not a way to write a story ………#when all the characters exist just to comfort the Whump Main it’s like how am i supposed to get invested. in any of this#u know when the dev replied to someone who was asking them how to write a story and they just said ‘glue your fav tropes together until it#becomes a story’? Well i think that is isat’s main problem. it’s not really a story. it doesn’t really have characters#it’s just a bunch of tropes in a trench coat. And let me tell u that is notttt how you make a story. at all. at all#anyways this was supposed to be about the ending but this story just has so many inherent problems i could critique it forever🤷♂️ my badddd#it’s fun as a game and it’s Fine as a story but at the end of the day it just reads like fix-it fanfiction to me#which is not Bad on its own but i wish people would at least recognize how the story is kind of built on sticks#cramswering
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okay so as a gen 5 stan who does adore the story in bw and bw2, and now that gen 5 has experienced both a vicious hatedom that wouldnt hear a single positive thing about the games, and now a super protective fandom that insists they were perfect and had zero flaws... can we admit now that the bw1 story at least was. a little mid.
#just a little. just a little.#i am saying this as someone who adores it and loves the characters a lot#...... but good god team plasma kinda sucks ass as an evil organization#bw2 is sorta better about them with the split factions but in the first game theyre so obnoxious and come across as strawmen#the game talks about how the world is nuanced and not black and white and its not good to take extreme sides#but then. it sorta does that with the protagonists? by refusing to talk about abused pokemon that werent hurt by team plasma?#obviously they are wrong. the game hammers it in with a mallet. but is it really nuanced if our stance is ''ha ha thats silly''#and yeah groups like plasma exist irl but like. as someone who cares abt animal rights and stuff a lot. i feel like they fumbled it here#the answer shouldnt have been ''well ig some pokemon get hurt. we wont talk about them though. watch the grunt kick a munna''#it shouldve been about animal welfare. like maybe instead of becoming assistant professor; bianca couldve become a nurse joy#or she couldve joined some organization that rescues and rehabilitates pokemon from abusive trainers. maybe the reformed plasma from bw2#and before someone goes ''erm its a kids game they cant do that :/ thats too complicated'' first of all- the anime showed a malnourished te#tepig#kids can handle a bit of text next to a skittish lillipup thats like ''its scared of humans'' or something and its being cared for by someo#someone''#plus the side games were tackling much heavier shit at this point#also again they were apparently fine with a grunt kicking a munna and bragging about how he loves doing that so.#like even as a kid i felt like that scene was really over the top and stupid#team plasma feels less like an attempt to do commentary on harmful animal rights ideas that lead to ecofascism and dont care abt the animal#true needs#and more like gamefreak read a lot of obnoxious critical pokemon posts like ''lmao training is like dogfighting'' and ''this promotes anima#abuse!'' and just made a strawman out of those people. and like i agree thats all stupid but it sorta hurts the message of the game#that the world is very nuanced and taking extremes is bad and reductive.#and this isnt getting into poor story and gameplay integration and other stuff like underutilized characters (you know exactly who i mean)#idk. again i still adore the story and have a huge soft spot for it. but i think the only reason people say its perfect is out of defensive#defensiveness and not having engaged with a ton of video game stories. and pokemon stories not being fantastic in general#like i think pla is better put together story wise than this game and its got less going on than this#echoed voice
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yesterday in vocal synth news
#art#traditional art#fountain pen ink#virvox project#mizusawa takuto#voicevox#ia#cevio#voisona#also miku is there technically kind of. shes down there#sorry im not a piapro or vocaloid user i was more focused on the other things LOL#looks neat tho! im very curious about the kaito and meiko remasters#i was always tempted and curious but im not a huge fan of the weakness of their v3s compared to their v1s#so i hope we get some demo videos or something soon. or if not i hope in a month people post lots of videos LOL#also intrigued by miku nt update and v6 ai. i have no interest personally in using miku but im sure it'll be interesting#gumi and galaco v6 sound pretty good in my humble onion so im very curious#but anyway. back to ME hjkfsjhjrfds im so excited for takutos voice#itll be cute seeing all the little skits the japanese fans make and for me specifically you KNOW im gonna get on that song shit#im gonna make.... the most bizarre boyband on earth. there is some manner of catboy. and a 50 year old man. it'll be great#maybe i'll remake the yume no tobira cover hee hee#and ia.... oh baby ia.... im so happy you have no idea man i have been WAITING FOR THIS. okay please dont kill me for this but like#highkey i dont really care for her original v3 LOL its not bad or anything i just find a lot of v3 fem vocals sound like the same person#and this was painful for me because like im a gigantic lia fan. i dont need it to be a 1 to 1 recreation or anything but like#i was always so bummed out how thin ia's voice sounded. it felt like a bit of a waste how much the v3 noise removed all lia's warmth#and like the depth of her tone. and like it sounds fine. she sounds like a slightly more operatic miku when people tune her high and breath#which is very common and that sounds fine. but like i still felt like auauuuuuuuuhhhhhhh nothing i loved about lia's voice is there#cevio 1.0 was a step up it brought back a LOT of warmth (although you had to really push up the alpha to get the depth)#and while i personally dont hate the cevio 1 noise its nice to have a version that no longer sounds underwater <3#she sounds so rich now.... i still bump up the alpha a bit because i like lia's deeper work a lot LOL but its wonderfullllllllll#so good so so so so good im obsessed. yesterday was truly an Event for vocal synth news
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
#taylor.txt#im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything#i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation#and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school#like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling#like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk#it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah#tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh#when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students#noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh
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hmm thinking about the idea of love songs. i think the idea of what a love song is that we have in our culture is inherently a little bit flawed because we have the idea that any song written about romantic feelings is a love song and im thinking thats not exactly true because there is a difference between "romance" and "love". what i'm saying is not that love is a broader category and applies to things that are not romantic in nature. this is in fact true, but it's not what makes the important distinction here. the true distinction between "romance" and "love" is that romance is a societally defined type of interest in another person, whereas love is, essentially, a promise that you make when you build a relationship.
as such, what i call "love" here might be better defined as "care", as that implies more time and effort, but that's a different suitcase to unpack and largely unimportant to my point here, which is more about the societal conventions of what we call love songs. the point is, relationships can be built with other people, yes, but also animals, places, organizations, ideas, so on and so on, whereas romance requires another person, hence the difference between the ideas of "romance" and "love".
with that in mind, there are two types of songs we in western, english speaking, society call "love songs":
1) songs that are about a person's romantic interest in someone that is either definitively known to be unrequited (existing monogamous relationship, sexuality that doesn't align, etc) or simply not requited (aka romantic interest being unknown); and
2) songs about an existing relationship (keeping in mind my points about relationships not just being with people, but also places, things, etcetera) as is.
(some examples of the latter category: mountaintop by relient k, which defines the relationship in question as non-romantic; or i miss my mum by cavetown, which is - as the title implies - a song about the singer missing their mother.)
now, the thing that makes distinguishing these two difficult is the fact that songs about an existing relationship CAN be about wanting certain aspects of that relationship to change. in these cases, determining that a song is one or the other will hinge either on a) authorial intent or b) whether the song is more about what the singer wants (thereby implying #1) or the lack thereof in that relationship (which would imply #2).
to get back to the subject at hand: the term "love song", as we think of it, is an umbrella term that include both of these two categories, and i think that perhaps it is reductive to do so. with that in mind, i think perhaps it would be more appropriate for "love song" to mean only the latter, whereas the former is a category of its own. WHICH is not to say that the two can't overlap — just that if a song is about a person with whom the singer has no relationship, it cannot be considered a love song due to the fact that it is a song about infatuation, not love.
(another interesting wrinkle this provides is the fact that a song might start out in the first category and, as the writer develops a relationship with a person, might move into the second category as they write more.)
#anyway. just some of my thoughts on this as an aromantic songwriter#ari opinion hour#this goes a good deal to reconcile my constant writing of love songs with the fact that none of them are romantic#which im fine with as long as im keeping them to myself but it DOES feel dishonest when i hide that theyre love songs.#however this did also go some way to convince me that maybe care songs is an alternative that i SHOULD use because it is more applicable to#me than the concept of love which MOST people do not have the same perspective on as i do and having different definitions of the same word#is an important barrier to consider in communication#i will admit i do think im clinging to my care songs being love songs due to my relationship with an organization to which love is very#important as i dont want to go back on my promises to that organization as it IS very important to me#anyway. can you tell ive been reading house of leaves by the fact that this appeared fully fledged in my head in fully academic language#but for real like thinking about it now and even my old love songs like most would probably think to see them that they would go in the#first category and they just. DO NOT. at least not the ones that were written after i was like Yeah im aro again#its interesting the ones i wrote in the brief period where i thought i WASNT aro in like mid hs those i WOULD put in the first category#even though like i do NOT think i was right about it being romantic#but the ones after i was like Yea im aro again are like. Thats definitely the latter#part of it is i did find a voice that was like genuinely Mine and wasnt just writing sort of generic love songs#love songs in the typical usage i mean so they were really more infatuation songs#but like i was still with the last person irl who i wrote these about divorced from like... my aroness because of how much i liked him#and i would still put those in the second category#so part of it is awareness as well#so. yeah. its interesting#i probably should just suck it up and start calling them care songs. even if people dont know what i mean to say that
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what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.
#i am fine ftr im just. exhausted haha#NOT to overshare about my personal life too much but my dog is dying. my horse is being given back to his og owner this summer / fall.#my dads kicking me out in two years (in favor of his girlfriend and her kids bc he would rather live w them!!!)#his alcoholism is driving me crazy bc hes treating me like absolute shit and berating me constantly#and stealing from me 🙃#ive lost my healthcare benefits + now have to either raw dog therapy out of pocket or loose my therapist#a therapist that took me a year of being on a waiting list to get in w btw#and idk i just genuinely feel like a loser rn like. im a 23 year old unemployed fat virgin who plays video games all day like. 🧍#where is this going for me. what is the point of it all. in two years im going to be fucking homeless on top of all that#unless some miracle happens bc as is i am too disabled to work.#im just reaching a point where i deeply dont care anymore. whatever happens happens im done fighting it#and ik its the abandonment issues talking here but knowing my dad is planning on abandoning me. 👍#thats two for two on parents leaving me. my entire family has at this point so like truly i cant trust any relationship#like if my PARENTS find me that unbearable. and my best friend who knew me my entire life thought so. then truly every relationship#i ever have is on a fucking timer like. idk if any besties r reading this im sorry i promise this is in no way a dig at yall#bc you guys do really make me feel loved and secure in a way no one else has but. id be lying if i said i wasnt still scared#anyways enough oversharing#i really am fine and safe rn btw like. at minimum u guys r stuck w me until arc*ne season 2 comes out 😂#my post
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I miss nine and ten so bad I'm gonna be sick no one did it like them ever again ououuughhhh
#i think its because they took away the guilt.#im so serious the destruction of gallifrey carried this whole fucking show on it's shoulders and they fucked it up#11 was bad and 12 was fine but i don't really care idk#i really think it's because of the guilt#he was so so good and so hurt and so guilty of everything he'd done and he had this darkness that he himself feared OUUGHH#it feels like they minimized it so much in later seasons it's not even worth mentioning you know#ugh i need to finish 12's run and then 13#i really want to catch up and see the new doctor but I don't have high expectations bro i dont believe it will ever be as good#i CRIED for HOURS after the end of time 2 you dont even fucking understand me
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just finished s2 of de volta aos 15 after forgetting of its existence for a whole year and my only takes are that im SO glad joel got upgraded to deuteragonist this season bc hes my favorite boyfailure and also if anita and fabricio or whatever his name is are endgame i will literally huff paint and then kill myself in front of the writers he is her worst love interest. theres nothing wrong with his character i just do not care in the slightest about their dynamic
#de volta aos 15#back to 15#this season got me really attached to the cast and especially joel and anitas dynamic#i will be so crushed if nothing comes of their relationship#theyre literally intrinically tied to each other by the hands of time itself THATS ENDGAME#like you had a perfect trinity of endgame pairings joel/anita henrique/carol and luiza and her goth gf#WHY WLD U RUIN IT !!!???!???#do not get me wrong i dont mind fab as a character hes perfectly fine and i love his relationship w camila#but his relationship to anita is so irrelevant i often forget that its like. an option. like who cares#like do we not remember how much anita did NOT like the timeline where they ended up together😭⁉️ her ass is not into him im sawry
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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