#its bevause i didnt try to

[hungry-hyena]

i don't leave fixations behind my brain rolls a d20 with an interest assigned to each side and whatever lands face up is this months dopamine factory

[spindash]

i forget its fun to draw when i put minimal effort into itand just do whatever like i was thinking oh fuckk im going to get stuck trying to figure out hands but then i realized oh well i can just not get stuck on hands. bevause i dont want to. and so i didnt

[lovinqbella]

FAKE FRIENDS

ok so last night I had an argument with my friends and apparently I'm very petty. No my friend always screenshares and she was texting other people on a call and I left because you talk on a call I just find it rude (mind you this was 10 minutes after I left because she was still screensharing before) I politely said on the group how I felt about it saying its a bit rude and if you want to text them leave the call and others are trying to talk and she flicks through her tiktok and snapchat and it's all you can hear and stuff (evereytime she joins the call if it was once or twice for a few minutes but its 15 20 minutes and dosent turn it down when we ask) it caused a big drama as she replied to my message with womp womp and we needed up arguing as I told her if your in a bad mood (because she said so in the call) don't take it out on me and if you feel like you are leave the call and calm down but I got in the call afer she left to 3 other friends and the . Boys2made a joke about it and so i left and when i left my friend said they laughed harder after i poured my heart out about how if my friend was saying how she felt I'd never d. This (i have sat on hour calls as she crys to m. About stuff and help her and evereytimr u tell her about how i feel and ingores it or makes it about her) I have known her since nursery and we went to primary school together before I moved country in 2020 but for about a year now i was making the effort now she dont text me because i stopped trying to hold on to the friendship (theres so much more with the argument but I cant be bothered to explain myself again :) and her cousin is my best friend bevause she dosent ingore me on calls for her friend (which the girl I have been talking about did before) and I am really close to her now . But she told everyone if we wanna sort it out nobody involved to be on the call (fair enough) then without me knowing tells her friend idek and her friends adds me to a gc mutiple times and rings me on a call with her and i KNEW she just wanted somebody to back her even though she disregarded my feelings then made it about herself saying shes barley keeping herself alive and started crying (i felt bad shes in that place but as im trying to. Explain how she upset me saying that isnt very nice to say as how am I supposed to respond as she just thew it on me) 2 of my friends including her cousin agreed with me and i left alot put but alot of i. Was on call i just feel like I'm going mad as her friend from school called me f ing petty this morning and we'll its not like shes going to side with me but she didnt even know what had happend I DONT GET WHY THERE NEEDS BE BE SIDES WE ARENT CHILDREN!?!? I just wanted to explain how she disregarded how I felt about something stupid because its screen sharing its not deep I know but its the way she replied (womp womp) and didnt care that i was trying to say some people are talking and your are Always playing your stuff . SORRY FOR THIS RANT

[skyburger]

ok sorry this post will be in green text because i set my tumblr to dark mode but the app just kind of sucks and doesnt work because i never update it anyway everythibg reads fine but in the post editor the text is the exact same color as the background unless i change it to another color (like green for instamce). thsts why i have it set to light mode usually but its dark in hereee and im tireddd but i had something to say anyway that probably took longer tp say than my actual point. my actual point or not even a point just a think i thunk. Ok so im watching markipliers fnaf3 revisit i put it on to fall asleep to theyre good background noise for me. but yeah im watching that rn and i got reminded of my really minor fnaf headcanon that phone dude is just phone guys son. like i dont have any reason for this beyond its fun but why would i need another reason tbf! also kind of fucked up to think that w/ this hc PD (phone dude) found those old training cassettes PG (phone guy) did and is like yoooo sick as hell like he just doesnt know hes related 2 that dude. i dont think thats dramatic enough to be dramatic irony but not ironic enough to be just irony on its own and im not letting myself look this up bevause i Wil get more distracted than i already have. u know wat i mean hopefully. oh also other small thought i thinked (and i think every time i listen to the night 2 phone call( is that its really funny to hear scott cawthon voice phone dude and say the cassettes they found are "like, prehistoric, dude!" even though hes definitely old enough to have used cassettes LOL i just always think like. Man is that how he imagines kids these days (im lacking better phrasing rn soz) because the worst part is thsts pretty accurate. he did a ver good job playing this younger dude (i dont have an adjective to describe pd other yhan like hes a very dude-y dude) does this make sense i feel like im phrasing this terribly. im not trying to sound mean to people over the age of like forty i swear my point is just like so often if anyone older tries to act like this it comes off as very How do you do fellow kids like do u know ehst j mean. im not saying mr. cawthons like less than ten minutes of phone dude dialogue is the pinnacle of this im just saying its simple amd fun and works 2 me. i like phone guy i think most every fnaf fan likes him but i like phone dude a lot also possibly a little more. my guy didnt do shit besides letting springtrap loose like bro was just really invested in his deprecated fazbear haunted house place hes not up on all the lore... i wonder what he did after fnaf3 maybe hes in like a travelling scary circus(???) and/or a spirit halloween employee. probably like a reddit mod but i dont mean yhat meanly i just think hes moderating a kinda small sub for some nicher horror thing hes just chilling dude. maybe hes a youtuber for like tech disassembly modding whatever. i think he has a modded nintendo wii maybe he really likes mario kart who knows. ick whzt im on about now im tired as fuckkkk but my last thinked think was just i like 2 think pg's name is scott for obvious reasons but i like yo think pd, in my headcanon where hes pg's son, is slso cslled scott hes scott jr. hea definitely called scotty though as a nickname bro is suchhh a scotty it fits him dontcha think... anyway im strucvling to stay swake to ramble but i love to ramble to stay awake its some paradox shit (mot really) but yrs my point was im going 2 sleep now goodnight FORVER'!!!!!!!! or juzt until i wake up tomorroaw. baiiiiii

[rollerderbydropout]

its a choiceu have to sit downajd make with urself and then LIVE WITH its not somethign you can just DO or TRY and iknew that before sallgy tkldme. i wanteddto pikot an enkidu bevause i knew i could never go basck to annormal life and that whatever was wrong withme might at least be USEFUL in tgatwarmachine. i already had the chem ports and the tunnel visiokn, i already jknew the limits if my body because i had BEEN there,

that is not a joke anon

not funny. didnt laugh.

//sharko\\

should i remix enkidu code into my buddy's print as a joke lol

[PILOT HEART RATE ELEVATED]

NO????? WAHG THE FUCK????

U CANT DO THAT TO SONEONE EITHOUT THEIR PERMISSIONN!!!!!!! did u MISS the part were i gave a whole long ass speech to @rollerderbydropout AND @average-tbk-enjoyer wen each of them wanted to be enki pilots?????

NO ONE deserves to have this DONE to them it has to be a CHOICE!!a! GGRAAAH!!

enkidus BREAK PEOPLS BRAINS dude!!! theres a big chance ur buddy just dies or loses their fuckin mind. and if they dont? if their like we are? if they r a real enki pilot?? itll change them. battlerage ans bloodlust r 2 of a dozen symptoms i could name. an u wanna do that 2 some1 u call buddy without their informed consent???

UR BAD I SHIUKD EAT U

[blackvail22]

9/24/23 — 1:10am

theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him

also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different

the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore

if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.

i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.

on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....

im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too

oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room

oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol

anyways i like this song

6:06am —

dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.

bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry

i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long

11:17pm

been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it

i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep

[black-rosewolf66]

Hiiiii^^

Yeah its me and its one of my shitty writings again..but yeah i still have no life and noone to speak to in real life..so hear me out…

Yesterday…or maybe the day before that🤔hmm or could have been 3days ago i dunno not that it matters but i was having a…you know ✨fun time✨…with an ex married couple and day are cute and i trust them its not our first encounter its just our first lets do something more not just talk…(because clearly im not good at talking we can see why…)

So there i am horny as i am always the first day after my period ended the hell of hell the first day of the worst horny season getting myself mentally ready for the things…and ehh i wasnt prepared for what came like they were playing like seriously they were talking non topic and on topic about things like a cord can be or cant be good for spanking that ass? Like things like chernobyl help i was trying to focus bevause they share great wisdom but if i try to focus on one thing i loose focus of the other so i was batteling my mind and my heart in each of the sweet sweet painly sensations…i was trying to be good and stay in position and accept the pain and feel that tingling but i just couldnt i dont even know if it was because i was too sensitive and they started at a (for me) at a high pain level or….

I was so confused i couldnt let it go…i felt quilty and i know i know…but knowing and feeling is two separate thing…i know i should accept that i dont have the practical years in me i only have what i could have studied on my own…but i was dewastated i looked like the kind of toxic girl who just says everyone can do anything to her because she doesnt have limits and that kinda thing….i felt so toxic so ashamed because i didnt know myself….but they tried to assure me that its like this with everyone..almost every beginer is like me doesnt know anything…i was devasted…i couldnt even focus it just kept on popping in to my mind how the pretty lady said she doesnt wanna do this because shes too worried about me and i hate the feeling of letting others worry about me…it was one hell of a ahit i pulled there…and i just dont know what was that…i never done something like this…i never felt something like this not wanting to submit…or atleast not to the sensation…i was scared of my self…i was scared that maybe they will have the idea that im not enjoying it because of my reactions and….and i kinda wanna do this again show that i can if i want if i do have the feelings if i do geab the moment but…

I was nervous upon meeting the kind lady of the house…i knew her ex husband the gentelman of the house but they were…strange when the ywere together they had that amazing sparkle noone had the dominating aura in themself…it was strange and when i arrived it didnt even take a 5 mins before we started…it was too soon…but i didnt know if it is something i should say something about…like when im scared i wont tell it…im just a beginner and i do believe in the experiences they have its just im unique …or im not like other hungarians i have a weak mentality i have these strange moments when i describe the sensations with colors the feelings with colors because i dont know the perfect word for it…

And well im mostly not into degradation so when i the kind lady was saying things it was kinda well i dont know strange…i know its her way of dominating but i kinda cant help myself believing the words too much taking it upon myself…

Like when they where trying to make me orgasm i was like thats a wasted plan i will be the one to get hurt really badly…and when i was saying no they were telling me first to shut up but the second time they were like what?why?…and i was line stop it and i will tell a whole story for why….but they wasnt so i said it again and then she was like than what do you want would you rather have us beet you again? And i was like wait a second what so i want a cant concentrate i just dont want my muscles to jump i just dont wanna kick you accidently if i loose control in my orgasm i just dont want this side of me to be seen i just dont want this first experience to happen now and i was like…”you know what,yes” and she was like really? And i was like “ yes,please i would rather have that” she was so confused maybe a tiny little bit hurt because she was trying to help me feel good with it and i dont know maybe the husband didnt mention it to her that i dont even like the idea of orgasm anymore…i just let go of having fantasies about having one…but here i was having a big mouth not thinking before saying anything because in the first 5 minutes i was like nope this isnt good eather i feel like its too much for my soul like i dont want it..and shortly after one hit one my ass i jumped on my ass making it hurt more i was like “god im stupid im idiot aw damn my reflexes” and they were like okay now…here is the question should we stop and i was like wait i have to collect my brain from somewhere i think i lost it….yeah better stop it..im terribly sorry but its better if its stopped… im behaving strangely…like one time i almost have an asthma attack the other time im so silent and i only see the darkness im just feel the tinglings and then the other time i feel the sensations too much i cant even control ma face which i hate to show…my real expressions are like seeing a unicorn…it aint gonna happen while im alive…

But help i lived with no regrets up until now and here im collecting a loooooot of regret in just one night…i know i did a lot wrong i was stupid for not being carefull…but i feel like i still made some mistakes i cant see i just cant figure it out and upon seeing them i just cant figure out how should i fix them the next time because i want to have a next time even if my mind my soul doesnt want my body was reacting to it so nicely i cant deny it…i dont want another trauma i wanna have a better experience…but me and the communication even if i know its key its just that im scared i will be wrong if i try to tell something…im scared i will only speak stupid things…

[taxi-boi]

happy cascade day, heres my trollsona.

tackzi buoiye

[trans-luis-serra-navarro]

OUGH MY GOD????????? YOU DESCRIBE MY EXACT THOUGHTS SO LERFECTLY IM GONNA BITE YOU

LIKE FUCJ YEAH ISNT IT DEVASTATING TO THINK ABT THE FACT THAT MENDEZ WAS PEOBABLY A FRIEND OF LUIS AND HIS GRABDFATHER?????????? ISNT IT SO SAD TO RHINK THAT WHEN HIS GRABDFATHER WAS AWAY HE WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY OTHER PARENTAL FIGURE IN HIS LIFE??????? THAT HE ENCOURAGED LUIS’ FANTASIES OVER DON QUIXOTE THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY DEFINE HIS LIFE???????????????? HEAD IN H A N D S

((Also kind of off topic but on topic. Luis is Like. DEFINITELY autistic or has adhd right. We all agree on that right. Right))

Like he bases his ENTIRE ideals on Don Quixote- or at least, the version he has of it in his head (it’s probably safe to assume baby Luis didn’t get the nuance of the book and didn’t figure out that it was supposed to be sature and he took the message literally (I wanna delve more into that in another post sometime later BXBSHENDJS)) and it STARTED WITH HIS GRANDFATHER AND BITOREZ ONLY FOR BITOREZ RO TURN EVIL!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the fucking GUILT Luis holds in him even if he had nothing to do with it like you said?????? (Also @greasedcowboy made an INCREDIBLE fic going into this I highly reccomend it!!!!!!!!)

AND OH MY GOD YES YES YES YES YES?????????? I made a post a whole back when seperate ways first came out but there’s a SPLIT SECOND where we see Luis HESITATE to help Ada- he WANTS to fall back into that pattern of running away because that’s what he’s used to BUT HE DOESNT. HE STAYS AND HELPS ADA BECAUSE THATS THE RIGHT RHING TO DO. HE ONLY LEAVES HER WHEN SHE INISTSS HE GOES AND SAVES HIS BOYFRIEND DHSBDHENDHDNDND

ALSO OH MY GOD???????????????? I DIDNT EVEN DUCKING THINK ABOUTBTHAT???????????? IM SHAKING LIKE A CHIHUAHUA YOUR BRAIN IS SO MASSIVE AND BIG I AM GOING TK GRAB YOU AND SHAKE YOU SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO VIOLENTLY

Luis is a SHOCKINGLY good marksman?????? Like he PROBABLY learnt that from his grandfather???????? But it especially shows when he AIMS FOE A KILLIMG BLOW ON KRAUSER even though he has been SO ANTI KILLIMG at this point he does it because he CARES ABOUT LEON SO MICH!!!!!!!!!! He even stops to do the sign of the cross whenever he kills the Ganados (which, again, are people he’s probably grown up with!!!!!!)

And ofc other people have mentioned it but the PARALELLS between Keauser and Luis make me GO INSANE like,,,,,,, I’m still trying to find the og post of where somebody mentions it to put on this blog but Krauser changes for the WORST when he turns evil meanwhile Luis changed for the BETTER yet keauser STILL KILLS LUIS ITS SO DEVASTATING,,,,, AND AGAIN YOUR RIGHT KRAUSERS WRONG BEVAUSE LOVING AND CARING FOR OTHERS IS ALWAYS BETTER RHAN HATING ITHERS (also SPEEEAKING of that knives line, @hamartia-grander has a GREAT post going into the paralells between Ada and Luis I can’t reccomend it enough,,,,,

BUT ALSO FUCK THAT GETS ME SO BAD AGSNWHENDHCNXUXJXJS HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT ASHLEY HES ALWAYS S O KIND TO HER I DONT SEE PEOPLE RALKING ABT IT ENOUGH?????????? AND THE WAY YOU PUT IT OH MY GOD IVE NEVER THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE HIS CYCLE CONTINUES BUT HE CAN STILL STOP IT,,,,;,, and also little things like the way he always asks before touching her or thinking about her first????? OH MY HEART MY POOR SAD HEART

But god yes,,,,,,, the way he holds Don Quixote so near and dear to his heart and uses those ideals- even if they were flawed in the original text- to help him get along in life is just. ITS SO ADMIRABLE ANS RELATABLE. And ofc it’s speaks to his character too; he WANTS to do good but he keeps fucking up, just like how he WANTS to believe Don Quixote was a chivalrous hero but in actuality he was kind of an asshole in the book is just,,,,,,, o u g h

AND THEN HE MEETS LEON,,,, WHO IS LIKE,,,,,, HIS REAL-LIFE DON QUIXOTE,,,,,,,, NOT THE FAKE VERSION HES IMAGINED HIMSELD TO BE; THE REAL, GOOD, KIND HEARTED KNIGHT HES BEEN WAITING FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE,,,,, MY HEART OUGHHH-

And that last part- that last part oh my god dude you’re gonna kill me holy crap- we all make mistakes. We all fuck up. Big time. And we all wanna give up at some point- but we all wanna be forgiven. It’s an inate, human experience to have hope in the face of darkness. We all want a shoulder to lean on and we all wanna keep going. That’s what makes Luis so beautiful to me; he’s not black and white, he’s HUMAN. He shows the inate best and worst parts of humanity and he continues choosing to do good right until the very end.

He holds onto those Don Quixote ideals that have shaped him so throughly right until his very moments; then Leon confirms for him that, yes, he WAS a fine knight. He WAS capable of change and love even when nobody would give that to him.

We can ALL change and we all deserve to love and be loved. We’re all human and we all make mistakes but we can all find people who mean the world to us and can be our knights in shining armour.

He broke the cycle of self destruction he put upon himself and he found people who loved and cared for him- even if only for a short while

Luis gave up his LIFE for Leon. For Ashley and for Ada. He truly was the secret hero of the whole game; if it wasn’t for his actions, the fact that he changed and helped Leon and gave him the key to the lab, the whole world would’ve been destroyed.

And what does that make him?

A fine knight

Man isn’t it so silly and goofy that fire has been a constant destructive pattern in Luis’ life yet he still continuously plays with in between his fingers every day.

Isn’t it so funny that fire has consistently destroyed almost everything he loves yet he still carry’s around a lighter and plays with it on the regular like it’s nothing.

Isn’t it just super goofy that Luis would continuously smoke and slowly destroy his lungs even though his key and defining character trait is hope and the urge to live and do good and change. Isn’t it wild that he has a habit like that that he just can’t shake even though he wants nothing more in life than to change.

Isn’t it wild that Luis keeps doing things that destroy him out of habit or unintentionally- umbrella, Los Illuminados etc- yet he still holds a sentimental place in his heart for his umbrella coworkers and his village etc etc etc. Isn’t that so silly.

Isn’t it just so silly that even when the world has turned his back on him and even when by all means he should be bitter and numb he still chooses to love. Isn’t it just super ridiculous that Luis continuously chooses hope and change and goodness and continuously makes the effort to help save Ada and Leon and Ashley even when it risks his own survival and safety.

Isn’t it crazy how he keeps doing things that destroy him not just out of habit but because he knows it’s the right thing to do.

Isn’t it so silly and goofy that Luis still continues to play with fire in a lighter even though fire has taken everything he loves from him. Yeah. Totally crazy

[whimsyprinx]

I feel like the reason I relate and project so much onto faeries, specifically changelings is because I feel so much like them, pretending to be someone I’m not and taking on someone else’s thoughts and opinions and personality and trying so hard to be this person who I’m not and not knowing who I really am beneath it all

[irl-ichi]

my eyes are gonna be all puffy for first day of class tomorrow -_-

[ry0m1t]

** i try to write without my typing quirk sorry if there is a lot of fault in it im dyslexic and english is not my first language also THIS IS A VENT POST WERE I TALK ABOUT SYSTEM//TRAUMA!! I JUST NEED TO VENT AND GET THIS OUT OF MY CHEST**

yk during like 1month i was like “im a part of a system,, i have osdd and we are 4-7 alter” but 2week ago **i** had an anger moment and decide to thorw it all (the journal that **i** write) and an app that **i** use for keping track of the switchs.

and now that im on tumblr that come back to me,, the fact is that i dont thinks **i** fake because you do it and know it but what is i do this for coping with my trauma ?

what if my brain for coping with my trauma (and my actual situation) is like you gonna act like an another person so you dont have all the pression on your back,, so you dont have to take care of this (please tell me thzt someone understand and relate)

also **im** a minor,, **im** young and multiple personn says that its take multiple years to be aware that you are a part of a system,, tjhat when you are a teen you cant know it.

there is also the fact that **i** add two introject of the dream smp and bevause **i** was really into it yk and that weird that **i** wasnt aware of others introjects (of danganronpa for example cause i was v into it before yk) but **i** had the “maybe i just dont know them yet” or just didnt developp an alter at all.

i had also the problem of my childhood trauma are not **that** bad,, (SMALL TRAUMA DUMP)      like i was slap//hit by my parents for multiple years and kinda been abuse mentally by my parents but that not enough for me to develop alters maybe i have others trauma that i can remeber but i dont thinks thzt enough for havings osdd (END OF THE SMALL TRAUMA DUMP)

i know that everybody sensivity is differente and maybe that younger me was very sensible to my “trauma” and its was maybe enough for me to develop osdd but i dont thinks so.

but there is also the fact that i dont remeber a lot of my childhood (my parents always tell me it was normal but my parents are kinda my abusers so) and the things i remeber are usually bad things (my “trauma”) and **i** also dont remember living my memories,, like i know they happens in my body but i dont remember doing/begin in the memories (i also have the problems that some of my memories are ??fake??) i cant also remember a lot things from 1-3years ago that i should remember. i feel like im sometime feel like i maybe experience dissociation but that do dissociation feel like?? like for me when i was “switching” the world around me feel fuzzy and is blurry?? also when **i** was thinkings **i** was in a system i was like **i** have osdd1b cause i didnt have amnesia beetween my “switches” the only time i had a kind of “blackout” like i had a moment that was totally black like i didnt remeber anythings its was 1years ago in class and it was for 1 to 2 minutes where i had just a big blank in my mind like i suddently kinda “wake-up” and its was pretty weird.

there is also the facxt that i have the “memory” of **me** (or at least a memory) or  begin in a white room (with a dressing table white with a mirror (were i dont remeber see my face) in an all ass white room,, kinda small one) but not in a dream way yk and that made **me** kinda thinks that was like a room in the headspace even if after i coudnt go into the headspace

also since my anger moment some alters switches but since 1week not anymore **i** thinks or maybe if im really in a system im maybe not aware cause i know you dont always know how is fronting (even if im probably not a part of a system) but yea

this really make me confuse and sad and make me feel extremly bad :((

if there is a system that read this (or just someone that is informed in it) can maybe help me?? /gen

anyways that the end of this vent maybe gonna post anothers post cause i suddlently remenber somethings

[ofyourmightyharmxnies]

[TW INCOMING MELTDOWN.]

[another pause, except this one felt more poignant. he is typing..]

> I I do you ever get the feeling that In some way We ar edoomed? Because I feel like I am in a way I feel. I haven't felt this hard and so much since my year long dark period when having my boy Fundy myvsweet boy Oh how I love him but sometimes It hurts to look at him sometimes because of how much he reminds me So so deeply about how sad I was back then

> of how helpless and miserable I felt when I had hi m because I never want ed him at all espeically when I wa sstill so young and I hadn't figured out what i wanted to dod wit h my life.. Sally promsied sally my dear promised me that she would be with me through it aall and I believed her i belieeved her because she showed how patient she wa swith me when I coildnt do anything when i did nothtung but cry all the time and stare off to hours on noe nd

> she wa ss O nice. i miss her sos much. she just never came back hoem eone day and That still mad eme So sad because shes the one that wanted to have a family even when iw asnt ready andn annd she just never cam e back homee and now i stitll feel so stupid about that like damn evene up to this day i still feel like im the fuckibg fool for taking it all seriously and now i wa sleft alone with my baby an d i couldnt i didnt jnow what else to do. i had to ask my da d and brother for r help

> i kept s eeking i kept runningbfor dreams to chase because i codudl tell that my grasp on my life wa s slipping it was trying to escape through my fingers mybcontrol my EVERHTING was trying to run away from em and the further, and further i try to chase it i get More and More tired. and now wi finally ahve it i i finally figured out what i wanted.

> a land for me to cultivate into a wonderful prosperous nation where where it cna be a home for everyone ei love and my son Oh My Son my dea r son never habd nice home all bevause of Me But thats Okaay now because i will give ehim the home he always neede d thisbis all i cna ever need, want and More because now i have a purpose a Purpose to serve in this narrative of villaisn, heroes, soldiers , poets, kings, gods and all the More and ana d

> Eveyrhting will be just finee.. Eveyrthing should be alrightt. Yes. I have eevryrhting Now an d Now now I just need to worry on not losing it. I cnanot afford to lose it now I have to hold it I hwve to nourish it I have to I have to live through it I juet have to bear the days where it feels like the same again the days where I felt so helpless and afraid and betrayed i thought i left it all behind before th ewar BUT IT HAPEPEND AGAIN IN THE WA R IT HAPEPEND AGAIN AND ITS HAPEPENING AGAIN THE THIRD TIME na dIm so s fare dim so scare d these constant nightmares and those things at the corner of my eyes will NEVER LEAVE ME Alone they wiell never leave me alone wont they even afte rI lost and Sacrificied so Much of Myself to them Htye just Want More I

> i iI iIi I

> Oh Shit thar s a Lot iM Quite sorry.

H-Hello President Soot!

I..um.. just wanted to say I hope you're doing alright! I'm sure it's reallllly busy and stressful being a president, so make sure to take breaks and try to get rest when you can okay?

A lot of people look like they care about you a whole lot, so it would make them happy too if you're happy!

-💜🌌

Another bunch of kind words.. Thank you, I truly don't deserve you all. I assure you that I'll be fine, Mx. 💜🌌.. You needn't fret too much, I'm quite sorry that you had to.

[kiingbiing]

bro Please show us ur ocs what

gladly

just know that names will change bevause i have too many characters woops (im a bad character maker lol)

i made them children who murder but now i dont know what to do with them, soon i will make a story for them

king and jester raise a baby and fall inlove :]

theyre originally humans but with a potion gone wrong, they end up as animals and now they have to work together to turn themselves back, also the snake works with the law and the mouse is a crook

dnd character, but i never got to play him cause i never played dnd, lol, one day, i will

ethan works at a cafe and got turned into a vampire, carter is a monster hunter and wendy is his assisstant. carter has the hots for ethan and ethan doesnt want to acknolwedge his existence. maggie and callie is ethan’s friend, barry LIKES wendy

the triplets were inspired by moosop ngl, but i do remember making triplets in 5th grade lol

inspired by tarzan, but i changed the story cause i made these characters when i was younger and i cant abandon them. meriam raised talia (i changed her name) when she decided to leave london and live in the jungle. talia barely speaks because her speech isnt good. mark comes to visit his mother and to try and see if the island can be used for good money, mark and talia hate each other for this fact.

made this in 4th grade cause my first lesbian ship was bubbaline and i was like, i dont have enough lesbian ships, gotta make my own then,

no name for them but its set in the philippines, inspired by our monsters :]

a fellow monster has to be in love with their food

fairly odd parents oc, josh and penny got adopted by this rich couple, and everything was fine till they figured out that they only got adopted because the parents would get more money from their parents if the wanted kids, this warrented a god parent and francis is here. francis HATES children and is onyl doing this because its good money. penny is too energetic, josh is the quiet kid and francis hates kids, but he can handle one, hes not gonna be able to handle 2

theres 2 stories for this, bt judas and merith were in an arranged marriage and percy became merith’s crying buddy when judas is mean, they can be in a threesome, still dont know. still have to upadte this story

dominic goes savage during the full moon and his sister is the only one who knows this secret. the two rodents have a thing for dominic

these were just random ocs with no actual plot line, dino and cloudy are buddies and they go everywhere together

the colony of ants have a thing for the ant eater, not the tables have turned lol

dad is forced to raise a baby and he cant cause hes sad depressed, and he just doesnt know what to do but he can abandon her. jerry is like, buddy, BUDDY, if u let me crash, i can help out, hes helpful, 

used to be an adventure time oc but i scrapped it, 

princess aya runs away from the royal family to find her missing sister cause she doesnt want to be queen 

she meets with red, a thief who dabbles with magic, which is illegal, 

due to unfortunate events, red helps aya find her sister

animal crossing ocs. kenny and lola are dating :]

one and two are childhood friends? one was mean and two got depressed, but now one is trying to make up for it

kylan is failing his class, so richard has to tutor him to make sure hes on the right track, kylan just doesnt want to do anything with him, and when he realises that richard has a hard time making friends, he makes it his task to help him make a friend, in return, richard has to leave him alone

just two teenagers coming to terms about their feelings for each other.

braden never gave romance a thought until he reached middle school. he started to crush on george hard and he doesnt know how to handle this and he tries to deny it.

george is straight and is just vibing, and he thought things were fine until braden confessed his feelings.

braden is demisexual (im demi, hes very special to me)

this ones old, (also i made another oc thats named carter WOOPS)

no name (teddy) got kicked out from home when his mom figured out hes gay, and carter is a rich art student that needs a model and he ask teddy to become his model. carter pays teddy a good sum of money, (i need to work on this story woops)’

melissa is a rich blind girl and shes not allowed to party and go outside if she doesnt hire a body guard (thanks dad), she hired danny, an ex underground boxer to help her around the city. 

in this world, magic welders are getting killed because only officials are allowed to use magic. momma summons demote, a demon, with a deal that he keeps her daughter safe. demote and harper hate each other and they have to tolerate each other in order to get away from the hunters. dewey is a forest entity that latched onto harper

my little pony oc 

madison loves flowers, she tends flowers and honestly? flowers only.

valentine is a match maker and she stumbles upon madison, and her match making skills dont work on madison, just ponies being ponies :]

characters made with my friends but i lost contact with them and one day, ill work on their stories

david is in his first public school and he meets molly and he doesnt vibe with her cause she doesnt talk to him and it didnt settle with him right, so he bullies her, and when he figures out that shes deaf and maliciously bullied her, hes just, not happy and tries to make it up to her, and shes not having it

life and death, my friend wanted me to make a comic bout life and death,

just ur standard life and death ship

used to be an adventure time oc but i changed it

andrew grew up in a religious household with strict parents, making him study. hes not allowed to be with friends

margee is raised by her uncle because her dad died in a car accident,

dally has a strained relationship with his dad, his dad being an alcoholic and not taking care of his health

they were all childhood friends and then they got seperated, when they got older, they all saw each other and got together for support

(ok imm a fool and i try to make a webcomic but i keep not not finishing it so, woops)

bunny ocs when i was younger, i need to work on their stories, sorry, no other info except they want to beat each other lol

cupid accidentally shots an arrown at ching and now they fell inlove with mar, and mar just wants to vibe and be ignored but with ching contantly trying to woo mar, cupid thinks thats enough and tried to help mar because that wasnt suppposed to happen lol

girl realises that the monsters under her bed and in her closet are real and tries to get her mother to help her.

her mother abuses her and the girl is just scared and she doesnt know what to do

(im getting lazy)

baintly wants to be a good wizard but she sucks at everything

butters(the broom) is accidentally made when she tried to summon her animal

she was about to get kicked out of school but out of sepretation, she promised her school that she’ll go get a gem from a feared dragon in order to prove her place in the school

she got lonely and got a pet bunny and fox

terry accidentally summoned perry and she doesnt know how to handle a demon in her room, ralph is terry’s friend

set in space and theyre all animals

the top are a bunch of criminals and the bottoms arer in the police forces

and they both have to work toegether to get rid of a dangerious villian set to destroy the galaxy

ok so i lost their names but basically, big demon goes to the human world and befriends a child. other demon is the right hand and he follows his master and hes just a ball anxiety. the older sister is a monster hunter and she tries to kill the big demon living in her house

[sweetwolfmonster]

I need to stop watching romance anime...

It always makes me think of my boyfriend and I met him on a dating app and now that we have been together for a little bit and we facetime sometimes I just want to see him. I always fucking go here but I cant help it if I constantly have him on my mind and my heart skips a beat everytime I think about just having him next to me....

I feel like how they feel in the anime so in love and crazy. Ive never felt this way about someone. I mean I have felt love for someone before but for some reason this time is different. I guess its because we never actually touched each other. It feels so slow but I also want to take it so fast. I also have a dilemma...

So I have been trying to talk to him about his moving out situation because he told me hes trying to move out of his house and is saving up money and he said he wanted to move closer to me but I dont want to keep bothering him about it....but I also just really want to know bevause I'm getting so impatient. I just dont want to be bothersome so i keep saying things that I didnt want to say....ugh what am I doing....i should just say it shouldnt i....

I just needed to get this out....

[pbandjesse]

Well today did not go as planned. And I have almost no voice. But we do our best. We try again.

Neither of us slept well. I apparently stole blankets all night. And James couldn't sleep at all. He got up and worked on stuff for the online store until he had to go to his early work shift.

I had a fitful night. I have been coughing a lot more. And when I finally got up around 9 I was starting to lose my voice. Which is basically gone now. Wonderful. I sound like a very quiet frog.

I hurt my foot. So one of the first things I did this morning after I had some cereal was take a salt bath. It helped enough but it still hurts. But I felt really cute today. My hair and everything felt good. And I wore my dress i turned into a skirt and felt really good about myself.

I worked on some drawings. And played with sweetp. I baked some clay and cleaned a little. And while I was finishing up one of the drawings James got home.

We loaded up the car and headed out. The plan was to go to Philly for the end of the regular baseball season. Get sone fancy ice cream. Hang out with friends. But it didnt work out.

We stopped for gas and put air in the tires. But something felt weird to James so we stopped and checked the wheels. And one was overfilled. The pump at the first place misread or something. So he fixed that and we got back on the road. But not to long later we heard a terrible sound and one of the tires exploded.

It was really scary. It took a lot to hold myself together to not cry. But James was so mad and trying his best not to fall into a rage. He slammed the door once but after that he took care of us.

We were lucky to have this happen realy close to a building that the police work out of. So we were able to get the car off the highway and in this driveway. He called AAA and started figuring out what to do.

We sat outside for a bit. Got the spare out. A police man came and checked on us. We were gonna try to change the tire ourselves but nuts were stuck. But thankfully the tech was there after an hour of being out there. And he was really nice.

James had found a pepboys for us to go too. We were both bummed with the outcome of the day but at least we were together and no one was hurt. It did suck that we were almost exactly in the middle of the trip. An hour and a half from Baltimore and an hour and a half from philly. And with the spare on we made the long, slow trek back.

It took us a while to get to the pep boys bevause we tried to stay on roads that were under a 50mph speed limit. But we made it and because we called they had pulled out the new tired already and got us back on the road a little after 6. They were really nice and kind to us.

I was feeling faint though. So we went down the road to the sonic. And got food and it was good and my moral was better after that.

James took me back home. And he went back to his parents to return the car. I worked on another drawing. Fed sweetp and Clyford the fish. And waited for him to be back safe.

And he got back and I could feel safer. Now me and sweetp are laying in the studio and James is working in the other room. Tomorrow is the first day back to my kids and i am really excited to see them!! Its going to be a really nice day. Because we gotta mskebup for the shitty behavior of the past week.

Sleep well everyone. Good night.