#its been constant this year idk
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need to get my gender dysphoria comic project done asap i am so sick of being misgendered by my twitter followers lmao :')
#marie rambling#rant#its been constant this year idk#like i posted about liking mint chocolate chip flavor and someone commented “girls who like that blah blah” im not a fucking girl?#idk i'm just tired of it its pissing me off#is part of why i don't post on twitter much anymore#ik i should put my foot down about it but i don't want to be a dick ig
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The Dark Santa Mammon card... Unrealistic (/hj). I'm gonna be so real, as soon as I knew his ass wasn't possessed or cursed or something I would be eating that shit uP--
Mammon can be pushy. As a treat. On account of the whole being a huge sub literally 90% of the time thing shxhjsgdhzhx Very rarely Trying to be dominant gets you free Dom For The Day tickets in my book and Mammon has a surplus--
#obey me#obey me devilgram#obey me Mammon#obey me smut#obey me mammon smut#Mammon might even be near the top of the Kuroo Wouldn't Even Brat At Him list dhzjhxh#not number one tho that spot goes to beel or barbatos#diavolo and satan are pretty high up there too but they need it to remind them they don't have to treat them like glass sometimes💀#Lucifer is dEad last for obvious reasons--#he's only allowed to dom when he's up to having Maximum brat energy in return fbzbbx#Simeon is probably also pretty high on the list but he's fun to mess with a little i think djdbhd#poor Levi gets fucking Tormented just bc his reactions are cute--#also bc a lot of the time if he's not Frequently being provoked he's at risk of chickening out 💀#solomon gets low-level bratting but its like. constant-- so idk where he falls here dhzgxhd#asmo gets a minimal amount unless he asks for it so hes also pretty high on the list dnbfjd#belphie is nearly as far down as lucifer 💀💀#anYways-#i have very strong opinions on this bc I've been here for 4 years now man the brainrot is So severe-#and because fictional kink analysis is like one of my biggest special interests so. there's that xfjjfxfix#if anyone even read this far feel free to ask about Those headcanons I'm not sure if most of them will ever see the light of day otherwise💀
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I was recently watching a video on misinterpreted characters in Naruto and while there were some I definitely agreed with less so with others. Take Obito for example. It's not that I think his arc is misinterpreted its just that I think it was poorly handled. I personally really dislike the trope of bringing a dead character back to life for the sake of moving the plot forward. I've very rarely seen a case in which it was done well and with intention. Usually it's because the writer is kinda lazy and sees that a character is really popular with the fan base and wants to generate buzz. Personally I think the mystery surrounding Tobi and the man behind the mask was a driving force in the story that made it really interesting. Sort of like a horror movie villian in the background. Someone in the shadows manipulating all of the events in the story. And I think having that reveal be Madara all along would have been a much better approach. Sort of a supped up version of Pain that would question Narutos ideology even further. Force him to come to terms with what happened to the Uchiha and the fact that his village perpetuated and should be held responsible for much of the pain and suffering in the story. Let Obito be this child soldier who died far too young and sort of a martyr like character that, much like Hashiramas brother, was killed perpetuating a cycle of violence that seemed never-ending. That what the villages are, and what they stand for isn't actually helping or making anything better. Maybe even bring Kakashi into the conversation and challenge the fact that he is using the power and ability of his dead friend to serve the village that got him killed in the first place. As much as I love Itachi as a character I think maybe they should have just gone the route of him being as ruthless in Shippuden as he was in the original series. But sort of put more emphasis on how young he was and how being a double double agent, and the suicide of his closest friend kind of broke his mind. And how being manipulated by the council and the third hokage led him to believe it was the only option. But he still no matter what couldn't bring himself to kill his brother. We're constantly told throughout the series how powerful he is and how he might be on par with Madara or even surpass him. I don't think it's a stretch to assume he could have carried out the massacre by himself. And then maybe have Madara being this character that decided the only way to bring about real change and stop the cycle of violence be the infinite tsukuyomi. Because the powers that be are simply not interested in change. They benefit too much from the current system.
#idk if this is anything#the constant inconsistenty of naruto and its characters has been bugging me for like 12 years at this point#he had some good ideas#and potential#but just couldnt really decide where to take the characters after hundreds of episodes#naruto#naruto shippuden#obito uchiha#madara uchiha#itachi uchiha#naruto uzumaki#kakashi hatake#naruto shippuden war arc#naruto shippuden ending#shisui uchiha#uchiha sasuke#sasuke uchiha
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maya fey save me....... save me from crushing artblock............. please.................
#haven't posted art in a minute rip u_u this summers been weird for drawing#pretty constant artblock in one way or the other u_u#my styles going through some shifts rn I feel idk if that's visible but I SEE IT and its annoying but my art will be better for it yayyyy!!#taking ap art this year hoping that'll help a bit :]#think its kinda funny how different I draw Maya now as opposed to the other art I posted of her a while ago lmao#ace attorney fanart#ace attorney#Maya fey#sketch#squirrel art
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Something I've been thinking a lot recently after becoming a lot more social and going out is like. How different people really LOOK in general. Or rather, I've always seen it but I've been noticing it more. Different body types, different faces, different features.... etc. Everyone is so different looking.
There isn't a way you could possibly gauge how "beautiful" someone is because everyone is so different, and everyone's perception and preferences are different. Someone who you could consider extremely handsome could have deep seated self image issues, and someone who looks unremarkable to you might be someone's ideal.
I feel like being online and constantly exposed to the same types of faces, especially the type of people who become popular online due to the appearance, they always have the same set of features, same set of body types. It's not inherently bad, people do gravitate towards them because there's beauty standards that certain people fit. But in general exposure to people who look all similar rots the brain. It rots your self image. It distances you from your own community as well.
It bleeds into how people handle their relationships, it brings prejudice to people just based on their appearance, and it sucks so much to actually like, fully consciously REALIZE. Everyone is worthy of love, no matter how they look like (this includes you btw!! Yeah you!!! <3) no matter what the media says. It sounds like something sooo obvious but it really is something that grows roots in your brain given the chance and is hard to pull out.
Feeling like you're in an arms race against your peers to "score" someone who you could pass for an instagram model, instead of finding someone who you truly connect with. Having to deeply justify your partners and friendships to your family as being worth it, when they don't look like celebrities on TV and just look like regular people. (This has been my personal experience for a long time, but I feel like theres probably more people who have gone through the same)
"What will other people think? What will my family think?" is something constantly on my mind whenever I make any friends, and im only recently realizing that it really does not matter what they do think what matters is one's own happiness.
Not sure where I am going with this post I just wanted to write it out for a few days now and I finally did it <3 have a swag day
#thunderclap#words#i just think people should live without the constant pressure of appearances both your own and your peers. its literally brainrot#everyone everywhere is so different there are a thousand faces a thousand bodies a thousand features theres eight billion people on earth#its so terrible that we are always focused on the same ones and call them beautiful when theres so much to people in general#does this make any fucking sense? god im so tired but im feeling this a lot recently. man..........#my own appearance has been both praised and degraded for years years years and its fucked up my way of perceiving people for my whole life#idk... theres so much nuance to this whole conversation ofc i cant fit it all into one (1) post#like... recently realizing my mom is to blame for like 90% of my body image issues has had me reeling. like hello.#dont get me wrong i love her but damn that family can self project their flaws needlessly on the next generation huh
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btw i made a post sometime here about being in a restaurant or something and hearing teenage dream and thinking of larry stylinson because of that one video of them singing it
anyway like two days ago i went BACK to that restaurant and they played just the way you are AND viva la vida
it actually made me feel like i was going insane
#ask me anything#one direction#1 direction#1d#liam payne#MY HEART HAS BEEN ACTUALLY RIPPED OUT#rest in peace liam#zayn malik#niall horan#harry styles#louis tomlinson#larry stylinson#also ive begun to read the most popular larry fics#so far i have read walk that mile and young and beautiful#and like inbetween nights where i can read them i have to go to school and stuff#but now i feel like im in a constant state of death#idk how this happens 😭 these make me feel insane and rip me apart#anyway i loved walk that mile and i loved y&b#i just wish they were longer 😔#just the way you are#teenage dream#viva la vida#coldplay#katy perry#bruno mars#i would actually sell my life or my right arm to go back and be able to experience being a 1d fan during like 2010-2013#i would give anything#i want to see it happen in real time instead of watching videos knowing it all happened one million years ago practically a different plane#then again its given me this weird sense of time#like if i didnt know better i could almost trick myself into thinking that thats them now
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bahh i want to chat about learning french but its kind of difficult. like either its super uninteresting to most people or i feel like i can come off as pretentious or whatever if im not careful and noo im just excited to both play videogames and learn a language. im literally a nerdd. anyway im going to make a post on that
#idk ive come to realise that im lowkey boring lmao#problem is i tend to have these massive interests that last for either 6 months or a year before i completely move onto the next shiny thin#like a couple years ago it was guitar#a while back it was stage lighting#now its french#smaller ones have been rats fish woodworking balloon animals musicals 3d modelling urban planning ect ect ect#and theres a part of me that always worries that im going to do the same with french#i was learning spanish but i had to give it up for french#the few constant interests in my life have been m1n3craft and drawing#but im never really hyperfixated on drawing in fact my best improvement occurs when im not focused on it lmao#idk point is i dont want to loose hope on french because i know how long it takes to learn and because the feeling of working towards it is#the best#but when your interests change so much and so dramatically it can feel like those that are most important to you are slipping away from you#idk this wasnt what i was expecting to talk about#though i do know that my siblings also go through interest phases like this dramatically so its probably not just a me thing
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Hira's year in medical review:
Me, August 2023: *experiencing extreme fatigue, fainting spells, mood swings, sudden and drastic increase of suicidal thoughts, and intense hair loss*
P.A: let's do blood work
Me: ok!
Bloodwork: *normal except for prolactin*
Doctor: sometimes that's a fluke so let's retest
Me: ok
Bloodwork: *exactly the same*
Doctor: your values are higher than normal range, but not high enough to be in range for a pituitary gland tumor.
(P.A: go see an endocrinologist and get an MRI, that might be indicative of a pituitary gland tumor.) <- bless this person and only this person in particular
Endocrinologist, seen earliest available which was January 2024: *wants to retest blood work instead of ordering an MRI*
Me: ... ok
Bloodwork: *the same*
Me: can we please do an MRI now?
Endocrinologist: Well. Your values are above the normal limit, but it's highly unlikely that's it's a pituitary gland tumor because they are not high enough for that. Let's retest blood work in four months.
Me: ...................... ok
Bloodwork, May 2024: *THE SAME*
Endocrinologist: hmm, I recommend an MRI
Me: *gesturing angrily*
MRI, June 2024: 🎉 pituitary gland tumor 🎉
Doctor, when I went in for something else: I doubt your endocrinologist will want to treat that, we typically don't treat adenomas that small
Endocrinologist, who took 3 weeks to review my results: I recommend just monitoring. It's highly unlikely that this is causing your symptoms, it's too small for that.
Me, July 2024:
#like im sorry but 'highly unlikely' =/= 'impossible'#sure it might be rare but like thats not a reason not to check it out???#idk wtf is with this resistance to treat it#like SO WHAT if in the majority of people a microadenoma of that size doesnt cause symptoms?? all individuals are different#like y'all didnt even think i had one because it was atypical presentation so maybe that's the case with my symptoms too#what would it hurt to do meds for it?#if i do meds to shrink it and my symptoms resolve; great!#if i do meds and my symptoms dont resolve? thats also great! it means we've ruled one thing out#and can continue exploring why THE FUCK my body is acting the way it is#why wouldn't you want to rule things out if you can?????#the healthcare in this country is so fucking broken#its been almost a year since i went in for my symptoms and still no resolution#ive lost about 2/3 of my hair at this point. ill probably have to chop it off if it keeps going like this#not even gonna talk about the fatigue#nor gonna talk about my sis's current experience where an untreated infection (not for lack of her trying to get it treated!)#is potentially now developing into something more serious. like kidney stuff. 🙃#(and they apparently have no record of the labs she submitted 🙃🙃 so she's gotta go do it all over again otherwise they wont give her meds)#it's okay. its just nausea to the point she hasn't really eaten in days and constant pain and dizziness. difficulty standing#but its fine right lmao#ughhh#dont mind me im just frustrated beyond everything and need to yell into my little corner of the void#withoutwords
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sorry i haven't posted much lately! tbh i've been feeling kind of burnt out and massively unmotivated with palia. don't get me wrong, i still really love the game (especially the characters and the worldbuilding) and i have tried to log in and play but tbh the game itself just isn't keeping my attention rn.
i don't blame the devs at all since i know they're going Through It rn what with the massive layoffs, california fires, and losing money. that being said, the little story progression, constant game breaking bugs every update, and Way too high prices for things,,, it got to me. it sucks because i do really love this game and i Want to devote more time to it but i've lost the motivation to do that.
i'm hoping that i'll gain at least some of it back with the elderwoods update but i also can't help but feel some trepidation at the thought of the release getting pushed back and what kind of bugs will inevitably come with it.
anyway, ik i don't have to explain myself or anything, but i just wanted to let you guys know i guess? i Do still love the game and i anticipate future updates (and hopefully getting sucked back into it) but for now, i'm not devoting a lot of time to it. i'm thinking of doing some art for the characters just so i don't lose interest completely but the game itself is taking a massive backseat :/
#cw negative#kinda?#*game criticism#also kinda??#also i Know its not a fair comparison at all considering the size of the companies#but ive been playing infinity nik.ki since it's release and in Two months it already has way more content#faster addressing of bugs and more surveys#ive spent money on it!!! and gotten way more for way less compared to what the pal.ia devs are charging#it just kind of reminded me of what a good game is like lol and that sucks but yknow#and while i have concerns about some of the gameplay im still really motivated and i know i wont have to make my own fun#which is what i've had to do with pa.lia for like two years now#again massively different games with massively different resources but Still#im just having so much more fun and the community is still really positive#even the people who have concerns are expressing it in fairly chill ways instead of the Constant dev badgering with pal.ia fans#OUGH listen i still love the game (hassian my beloved) but i probably wont be playing it a lot until the next major update#idk has anyone else been feeling the same way with the state of pal.ia?#like i want to support the devs but also god everything is so expensive and for so little in return#not just the actual thing youre buying but also story progression in general#and so many bugs......... i know we all expect it at this point but also that in and of itself sucks??#like just expecting something to be buggy and never get fixed like okay#what if i want my game to be fun and work properly... what then.....#adhglajdhg#if any devs are reading this sorry i guess i salute you for still working there please add hassian and reth kissing in game thanks#aldglda
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I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FUELLED DELUSIONS !!! I HATE PARANOIA FU
#talk tag#sorry for venting on mainlol im just. idk#head in hands i haaate feeling like everyone secretly hates me behind my back and stuff when i know that isnt happening#ive genuinly never had ppl really yell at me for anything either my brain just loves to tell me its going to happen either way#to the point i just fully think its happening behind my back even when realistically its nooottttttt gruhhhhawhg#Ever since i saw oooneeee random comment years back about Oh if you feel guilty abt smtn thats bc your subconscious knows youre horrible!#ive just been in a fuckign nightmare of constant fear#and even no matter how much i rationalize to myself!!!! it never stops!!!
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i try to avoid my acc being Just vntposting . in this world. but man is it going
#vwoop.noises#rest of tags is a lil heavy one#I am just so like. baseline unhappy with my life#and i can't be distracted all the time because like A) I have to be a person and B) World Cannot Revolve Around Me#and even a bit of those distractions have been Also caked in misery bc i am. difficult#so like what even is the point#And then. school .#did not go to my exams. my parents are mad and sayign i can't take a semester off because this was my write off and its like. NO. NOT REALL#they do not care how much of a mental breakdown i have visibly because they do not believe anything I have Not had any sort of rest .#and also like. they have their own problems. but one of these problems is telling me i wouldn't Really act like this#bc. and i really do like. wish that ppl would get help but we've tried but. over the last couple years my mom has believed that things#have been replaced / altered. and constantly brings up like. Oh yr dad NEVER ate pizza before :/ / you would've never said that / etc#Which like. it's such a genuine mental health thing like I deeply fully understand but I've been the only one taking it on and I am like.#21yo and very useless. And Also She's Mean 2 Me Now. I don't know what to do /shrug#And that's my storey . Kind of why it's been a constant stream of negativity we are doing :heart: Bad#like a year and a half ago: haha it's okay i'll just lock in next semester#the horrors: Hello. You are never doing an assignment again#sorry for the lore drop . thx if youve read this far idc if not. it's nice to get off my chest for real.#i gotta. make something soon idk#i can pretend that it will fix me :D#i am doing okay for the record uhhh we persist or whatever. if u are concerned of my absence my other blogs r in my pinned :]#I am still chronically online believe this. this is just my original posts blog. n mncrft sometimes still#after typing this out i left it on my puter to go search for food#and i had a huge rant sesh with my brother and this did kinda fix me ngl . Still posting tho.
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in my hater era
#sophie speaks#tw vent#like. what. what???#i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin#struggling hugely#had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something#and you know. thats on me#but saying like#im NOT trying??#i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person#what???#trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset#idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this#express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time#but then they dont believe you??#trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes#like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself#i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive#im so tired#ive been suicidal for like 7 years now#my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just#it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit#cripplepunk core lmao#cripple and im going to kill you#this is just geniunely upsetting#i feel like i need a good cry#i really am so tired#i feel like i just dont want to do this#why am i paying for this? why am i doing this?#if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it
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(person who was writing figaro & akira things) lots to think about in regards to akira w/ the (ex)northern wizards especially. lennox' white day event with the dishes inspired by your life and akira saying oz is something like a fluffy pancake perhaps (or whatever it was), & akiras actions toward oz in general (being very stubborn&honest when he's being silly about arthur, saying they wont summon another wizard if he turns murr to stone, etc) & their relationship (oz who can't use magic at night without akira, oz who's willing to listen to the sage's requests (even if thats transforming into a cat,,,,), oz who tells them not to forget their name, oz opening up about arthurs prophecy.....lots&lots of things). because akira knows about oz' past & has seen his strength (second anni.....), because the oz they know isn't the worlds strongest wizard oz but their friend oz,,,,,,,,,likeeee mithras similar too. knowing how strong he is, knowing he has killed in the past, but getting along with him so so well as well.
there's that part in early pt2 too where they speak about the sacrificium with him & 'doesnt it bother you to accept something from the twins' because it essentially puts akira within their circle of power? influence? protection? like how the twins protect their current village....but akira doesnt feel that way because they compare it to living within a country (even if thats also the part where they remark again that its tiring to deal with people sometimes). and i feel it ties in similarly.......?! figaro & snow & white are spoken of negatively a lot in the 'being kind' situations by the other northern wizards, but akira just doesnt have that pov/experience,,,,not to say they can ignore everything theyve done (figaros spot story help,,,,,,,,,,?????) but its. gestures widely. kindness in a person, kindness in someone's actions, being kind and being cruel, what's the goal, where did you grow up, the complexity of peoples thoughts and actions and being, etcetc....... lots to say in regards to figaro in general who initially shared he wanted to make the sage fall in love with him so he could manipulate their actions into world peace but also offered to listen to their worries (+ his tanabata event + card in general of his actions & surprise).
Because Figaro's a kind person—regardless of what Snow and White said, regardless of what Mithra and Owen said, but not regardless of Bradley. Everyone he known turned to stone and shackled as an example; see, there's good wizards who will help you defeat the bad wizards. For the sake of wizards and for the sake of humans Bradley had to lose the people he held dear. Akira could not disregard that.
do u get what im getting at <-speaking about things that arent deep at all
#stardust speaking !#EATS MY HAT#think theres lots to say about in regards to faust too but with how he views himself vs how akira(others) views him#dude who was willing to make a child curse him so he wouldnt attempt to curse the moon#mhyk characterization all got me like. ggGGGgggGggGgGg#idk if i ever said this but i enjoy mhyks pacing soooo much cuz it always feels like the focus is always on characters & feelings#so the way they pace things just end up being in ways i love so much#anyway the constant 'the younger wizards treat oz very different' is always so funny#oz& riquet is one of my favorite dynamics of all time#i miss second anni i miss neros parts in it i need to reread it next yr sometime#sidenote but gran falls into this a lot too considering who they know#and considering raziel being O_O at them forgiving her so fast for attempting to have them killed#while vyrns all 'if i had a rupie for each person on this crew who tried to kill us...' KJBJADKBJADBJKDBJK#forgot what i was gonna mention in regards to finding out more about the day bradley was caught. BUT the image of mithra standing in#that snowstorm watching is something i still obsess over#its so good...#the northern wizards part with vincent in general is just so incredibly good#isnt it bradley who goes 'and if i wasnt caught wizards like mitile mightve been hurt' or similar to mithra#akira asking lennox about his feeling toward oz too since oz abandoning his world domination affected things a lot#<-rly funny figaro joined for that and then went to arrest bradley many many years later#i need to get to the pt2 part where oz & figaro talks about love and figaros whole 'am i wrong..?' cuz dude that scene haunts me#so much to say about everyone in this little game
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🧍🏻♂️can someone tell me what im doing right thats making people trust me so much i dont understand
#maybe its just bc im extremely quiet irl so everyones just#'oh if i tell u ur not gonna tell anyone'#wHICH IS TRUE BC I WILL JUST FORGET THE CONVO LMAO#but like. idk#im just genuinely so confused by what im doing that people#are comfortable enough to talk to me about like serious situations gjdndjdjdjd#i dont get it sjfndndnd#i kinda just Exist and it just happens djdjddj#lien speaks#but its been like a constant thing even years back i just???#like i wanna know so i can keep doing it but also!#even wo me knowing ig im still doing it so whatever ??? i guess???
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I feel like out of any of my previous fixations, I would be drawn back into MP100 the quickest if there was any new content. Fortunately for me, the anime is done so (remembers the Reigen manga exists and hasn't been adapted) fucj
#ramblings#theres also the second fnaf movie thatll be out next year but like. idk fnafs a constant for me that doesnt feel that special#a new danganronpa game would also probably get me but i dont see it sucking me in as bad#god its been like. 2 years since that fixation fizzled out and i still feel a little burnt out on it. sad. at least mp100 faded nicely#so i can still have fun thinking abt them. i should replay the danganronpa games tho
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the whole " should i go ahead and apply for this house bc it looks decent enough and its literally the only one that's i can afford or would i be jumping the gun too soon and i should wait just in case a better house pops up" anticipation is soooooo 💀
#like yeah this house is good but could a better one pop up later??? btu what if i lose the opportunity??? hate this shit#cause if its a decent price for me then chances are ppl are going to dive for it as well and itll be gone in like a week#but real shit im ready to move on from apartments lmfao i literally cannot deal with People Being Everywhere All The Time#my evergrowing unhealthy antisocial ass thats terrified of being perceived is not having a punk rock time anymore#my own washer and dryer i will fight 4 u#plus the CONSTANT hyperawareness of making any noise ever up here is rlly exhausting im ready to take a shower at 4am and not gaf#not to mention everytime i get Too high my paranoia gives me delusions of all my neighbors trying to break in my house and kill me bc theyr#sick of my shit (what that shit is idk LMFAO) like every noise they make sounds so angry#idk man im ready for my own true space FOCK#ive decided im just gunna rent i aint buyin a house around here forget it lmfao#but hey at least i know that i know that ill be in an actual house by the end of the year and no more ''making too much $'' anxiety#but finding said house is 🤡🔫#ANYWAY this has been: roxy housing rants
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