#its been an ongoing thing for the last three years and idk it feels like....more set in stone this year?

[dustox420]

,

[clubdionysus]

[BAD DECISION #37] Faking It

warnings: pleased be seated for THE JANITORS CLOSET hehe, and iconic chapter in the bd universe. seokjin! pregnancy scares! tittie worship, thigh riding, semi-public, a lil self-pleasure, multiple orgasms, kissing <33, cum in panties??, idk, one of my fave bd smut scenes and they don't even shag! there's a lot of plot in there. all the fave characters!! and the biggest villains!!

a/n: i figured out the wrong headers!! this header was actually the og 36 header and the og 37 header is what I used for 36 lol

also also also i knew i said there would be more updates tonight buuuut I finished write #60 today so I'm editing that instead hehe. there's a direct reference to something said in this chapter in #60!

wc: 18k

bd total wc: 540k (ongoing)

AO3 | MASTERLIST | MINORS DNI

In the quiet bustle of Jeongguk's favourite downtown cafe, Yoongi frowns.

"Are you even listening to me, Gguk?"

On the table sits a half-drunk coffee, the bitter taste a little too much for Jeongguk at this time in the morning. Notebooks open, pens scattered on the driftwood table, Jeongguk has spent the morning earnestly scrawling down revisions to his business plan.

The centrepiece of the table - a single white rose in a thin vase has been put on an empty seat. Just would have been in the way.

Also kind of made Jeongguk's blood boil, but he knows he shouldn't be irrationally angry at a fucking flower. A nice one at that. An expensive one.

Just like Seokjin had made sure to remind you on his calling card.

Happy Birthday, Darling. Exquisite roses for an exquisite girl. You can pretend they're from your new guy if you like - I'm sure he agrees you deserve the best that money can buy. All my love x

Stupid prick hadn't signed his name, but he has set a precedent. There's only one person who'd send you white roses. Not just a dozen. Not two dozen. Three fucking dozen. Thirty-six.

36 identical, soulless roses destined to die within a week or so, already embarking on their demise.

Danbi had snorted. "What's that? A rose for each time he cheated?"

You had smiled. Shook your head. "Think four dozen would be needed for that."

Jeongguk had been with you when you'd redistributed the roses to your CU ajumma aunties, and had to deal with their scrutinising eyes. Had smiled, and played nicely, even when they called Seokjin the 'handsome one'. As much as he might hate that tall mother fucker, he's got a pair of eyes. Knows he's a bloody god.

And so Jeongguk had moved the rose on his table out of sight before he even realised that he would need to.

The display of his iPad, which is still covered in your small fingerprints from lazy days wasted in his bedroom, has dimmed. It obscures the last revision of the plan. Hides it away from prying eyes.

A work in progress for years, now, he started planning for the samgyeopsal restaurant during his first semester of university. Had been a hypothetical project that he just hasn't been able to let go of. Like a first love, it kept coming back to the forefront of his mind.

For a little while - he's not sure how long; three, maybe four minutes - Jeongguk has been watching the beads of condensation sweat down the side of his glass. The straw, given to him by a barista with a warm smile and nothing else remotely interesting about her, lays beside the glass, still encased in its plastic wrapper.

He hears your voice and its tone of concern each and every time he raises the now-wet glass to his lips.

Careful, Koo. It'll hurt your teeth.

With every fabricated iteration of your concern, his mile-a-minute heart temporarily eases. For those scarce moments, it doesn't feel as if it'll burst straight out of his chest from the sheer exhausting stress of the unknown; His future. Yours. The one that you may or may not have together.

Funny how you're the main source of his stresses right now, and yet are the only thing able to ease them.

And so the straw remains as it is - still, untouched - just so he can pretend you care.

Dazed and most definitely confused when he looks up, Jeongguk's vacant eyes land on Yoongi. There's a frown on the older mans face, but a softness to his eyes.

"Hm?" Jeongguk hums. "Sorry?"

Sighing, Yoongi reaches for the straw that Jeongguk has so purposefully left discarded. Snaps the thin plastic wrapper apart. Reaches over and pushes the straw through a cluster of stubborn ice that just refuses to melt. Helps his friend in a way that makes total sense, and yet Jeongguk's mind is so jumbled up that it almost feels an attack.

It's him who frowns, now. Dimples form in the creases between his lips and cheeks, a thick line making itself known in the ridge between his eyes. Yoongi pays it no notice. Simply says, "Coffee'll stain your teeth. You'll thank me when you're older."

Perhaps he will. For now, Jeongguk's teeth are still pearly white. He's no need to worry about them.

"What wrong with you, huh?" Yoongi presses. "Spent all of last week badgering me to help you out, and now that I am, you've been a world away all morning. What gives?"

For all of the words that he could use to rabbit on about you for hours upon hours, they all seem to be stuck in his throat, dryly swallowed down like bitter pills sticking against his oesophagus.

To mention you now would be to admit that you occupy all vacancies inside his brain, in each and every waking moment. You're there in the moments he doesn't spend awake, too. A constant. Just as permanent as the glitter that's trapped between the woven threads of his cotton comforter, and as deeply embedded into him as the tattoos on his skin.

Pressing his lips together, piercing flipping in the corner of his mouth like it so often does, Jeongguk shrugs. "Sorry. Think my brain is shutting down."

If Yoongi suspects anything other than this as a viable excuse, he doesn't mention it. Just nods. Accept the white lie, and Jeongguk hopes he knows there's a white flag tied around it, too.

It's not that he wants to lie to Yoongi. He just doesn't want to be honest with himself.

Phone face down on the table, Jeongguk's device holds a whole host of contradictory search terms in his browser history. Questions he could probably ask Yoongi, but won't. Questions he should ask you, but most definitely won't.

Girlfriend - cause he figures it will bring back more results than fwb, or whatever else he could equate you to - missed her period, what should I do? Do girls miss periods often? Missed period, meaning, what? Having a baby with fwb, what now? Abortions? What if an abortion doesn't work? Is adoption good for the baby? How to be a single dad? What if only one person wants to keep it? What the fuck oenejoiegohhfo e.

The final result is still open in his browser. Was about three in the morning. Jeongguk had been sweating beneath his duvet, skin just as clammy as the condensation rings that have soaked into the wooden table from his iced coffee glass.

Nothing is confirmed. No test has been done - and yet he's thinking about where a playmat would fit in the living room, but also knows the name of the clinic downtown that would quickly and effectively prevent that from ever being his reality.

"We've made good progress," Yoongi tells Jeongguk. "Can take a break, if you like? Got a couple weeks till your meeting with the bank. Still got time."

There's no place in Jeongguk's business plan for a baby. He half wonders if maybe he should ask Yoongi where to factor it in. Knows better.

So instead, Jeongguk nods. "Yeah. Think that might be good. Sorry."

Yoongi just dismisses it. Tells Jeongguk it's fine, and really means it. Knows that trying to straighten out the fine details of a hypothetical business is harder than it would first appear. They've been troubleshooting; thinking of problems just for the sake of it. Making sure that Jeongguk's application for a business loan is airtight.

Of all of his friends, Yoongi is the only one who's ever been through anything similar. Is a fountain of knowledge with a wealth of experience that he's lucky enough to have access to.

Jeongguk half-thinks he must be mad for jumping in head first with this restaurant idea of his. Isn't sure he's got what it takes. Just knows he has to at least try, so he can say he can. So that even if he suffers the lows of failure, he will have experienced the highs of hope. Maybe even the uncharted territory of success.

"Could be a good idea to talk some things through with other people," Yoongi offers. "Someone in hospitality. Maybe DB. Get different scenarios neither of us have thought of yet."

Jeongguk doesn't need any more make-believe scenarios where you're involved. Has already thought of far too many all by himself.

But Yoongi doesn't know that, and Jeongguk would like to keep it that way. "Yeah. Maybe you're right."

It's this encouragement from Yoongi that has a text from Jeongguk pinging through to your phone a quarter of an hour later. Phone in your back pocket, you'll check the notification that buzzed quietly in a moment or so.

For now, you're locked in conversation with a woman who is both everything you fear and everything you want to be. Peachy-cheeked, with a crystal white smile and lips that are somehow perpetually glossed, Jina has been talking you through the upcoming event that Taehyung is showcasing for at the Ryu.

"I was really impressed - hold on," she huff a little through the strain of reaching across the desk for her file. You immediately get to your feet to help her out. Her peach cheeks are now pretty pink apples. She exhales a deep-rooted breath and plonks back into her own chair. Laughs at herself, and her inability to do even the simplest of tasks, then rests her hand adoringly over the incredibly large bump that protrudes from her stomach. Is appreciative as she says, "Thank you." Looks down to her bump, and laughs again. "Hurry up, now. Mummy has jobs to do."

The way Jina speaks to the little life that's growing inside of her makes you want to violently vomit. Not for disgust, or anything negative, but for the fact that you're terrified of a similar fate.

Well-put together, still in designer garments, Jina has her life together. Is the Lead Gallery Coordinator at the Ryu. Spent her twenties working her way up, only to land her spot at the top two weeks before she welcomed in her thirties. She's distinguished. Had worked damn hard to stay at the top, even when her assistant is consistently trying to fill the shoes she hasn't even taken off yet.

It's why she's still working, even when her due date is within touching distance. Will be damned if some jumped up twat that studied illustration at the expense of his wealthy parents, and has never actually produced an illustration worthy of any praise, ends up behind her desk. Perhaps she's jaded, and perhaps she's bitter that she never got an easy ride, but she did at least have passion - which is more than can be said for her assistant. The only reason she keeps him on is because his parents are benefactors of the gallery. Can't fire him, even if she wants to.

"Sorry," she smiles back up at you, then hums. Ponders. Pregnancy brain is not being kind to her these days. "Where was I?"

With a kind smile, you happily remind her. "You were saying you were impressed?"

"Ah, yes! I was. I am. With the both of you, actually. Kim Taehyung is producing art that actually entices people, which is a rarity these days. I'm surprised his portfolio wasn't passed onto me sooner."

Although when she considers her assistant, the surprise wanes.

"And you," she continues, then looks down to flick through the proposed show in the file you put together earlier that day. "You say you're just doing this part-time? As a favour?"

Nodding, you explain, "Taehyung's a friend, and this is my area of interest. Should have gone down this route straight after university, but you know what the industry is like."

With a pitiful smile, Jina nods. "No money in it unless you already have money."

It's no secret that the arts are a luxury for those who can afford them - not just the masterpieces themselves, but the time to indulge in them. Apprenticeships and internships pay poorly, so in order to get your foot on the ladder, you have to come from money. Have to be able to rely on parents, or aunts, or uncles to fund your living expenses while you live out your dreams.

Wasn't an option you'd had, so a compromise had been made in the form of the art cafe. It's minimum wage, but you do at least enjoy it and can pay the bills.

At such a point in her career where the money is good enough for her to never worry about finances, Jina's heart bleeds for you. From one creative to another, she wishes there was a way she could help.

"You've got everything I'd look for in an assistant," she tells you, and the compliment just serves to make you feel disappointed. Success has always been a goal of yours, and you regret not working harder towards it. The past year has taught you many things, but mainly it's reinforced the idea that you shouldn't spend time on things or people who don't enrich your heart.

And so you throw caution to the wind; chance a suggestion that you know is beyond your capabilities.

"Well, perhaps I could help out when you're on maternity leave?" You chance. Know that you don't have enough experience nor credentials to take on her role, but fuck it. What's the worst she could do? Say no? "Help keep things running smoothly?"

When Jina smiles, you know that rejection is coming your way - but at least you tried.

"No money in the job," she sighs. "The gallery director hasn't opened up a vacancy. My assistant is stepping up."

Even saying it out loud makes her blood boil - but she knows it's bad for the baby, so tries to cool it.

"I have a sneaky suspicion that they'll open up a vacancy in April. Maybe May. When it does, you'd be top of my list for recommendations," she offers. Knows that things are gonna fall apart without her there. The higher-ups won't realise what a fundamental error of judgement they've made until it's too late. "That if you'd be interested?"

You don't think you've ever been asked such a stupid question.

This is a lie.

You've spent time with the Dionysus boys. Have been asked a million questions than this one.

"Of course!" You enthuse. "I mean, I don't get me wrong, I love my job - but an opportunity like this would be... I don't even know," you laugh, unable to articulate yourself properly, so try simplicity. "Yes. Please. If that happens, please pass along my details."

She nods. Understands your excitement. Was in a very similar position, once upon a time. All it took was someone taking a chance on her. She'd like to do the same for you. Has seen your work ethic for an unpaid favour to a friend. Knows you wouldn't let her down.

"Now," she smiles, moving along the conversation as to not dwell on a situation that might never happen. "We're about a week out from the next show - has Taehyung finished the new piece? Any causes for concern?"

"Yes, and no," you assure her, even if it is a little lie.

Taehyung scrapped his piece last minute and has been in the studio ever since your birthday. Had a new wave of inspiration, apparently. Declared as such about twenty minutes after the knocking from Danbi's bedroom had eventually come to an end, so you dread to think of what this new piece could be like.

Still, you trust his creative process, so know that whatever he produces will be more than enough to satisfy the gallery execs.

The meeting runs smoothly; no hiccups to iron out. The subway ride back to the middle of town has to contemplate what life could be like had you met Taehyung earlier; if you could have a career to be proud of by now.

But there was no Taehyung without Jeongguk, and no Jeongguk without the devastating impact of Seokjin. Funny, how the entire time you were with Seokjin, he'd wished you had a better job. Lamented the minimum wage, and your irregular working hours. Would steer the direction away from what the pays the bills whenever you'd meet one of his friends, and they'd ask, 'what do you do for work?'. He'd never been proud, and so in turn, nor had you.

You wonder if he'd be proud now. It's bittersweet.

And as you arrive at Jeongguk's favourite cafe and spot him immediately - chin in his palm, a soft pout on his lips, papers scattered all over his table - you're the one who feels proud.

Seeing the ones you love chase their dreams is a special sort of pride. One that makes your heart swell. So much potential. So much hope.

Ordering up fresh drinks before you head over, there's a thick tension in the air. Jeongguk doesn't even realise you're here yet. Is too consumed with thoughts of you, like the idiot he is. Thoughts you, and his future, and how he doesn't know how to plan anything when he doesn't know what life will look like a year from now.

He clocks you as you're confirming the order with the barista. A hot flash of panic disrupts his body, but it cools just as quickly. Fucks with his body temperature regulation. Makes him feel all clammy and horrible despite the aircon in the cafe.

There's a smile on your lips, and Jeongguk finds one on his, too. There's a shine to his eyes that only glitters whenever you're nearby, and it's noticeable all the way from across the cafe.

Coffees in hand, clothes remarkably formal for a day off, Jeongguk narrows his eyes as you approach.

"What have you been up to?" he queries instead of greeting you properly, not caring for small-talk. Wants to know the big stuff. His brain has been cruel to him today. Hopes you can help remedy it slightly.

"Gallery," you simply say, taking the seat beside him.

There are four chairs at the table. Yoongi had been sitting opposite Jeongguk. You could have chosen to sit there, too.

He doesn't mention it.

"Everything going alright?" He asks, reaching over for his coffee with a small, appreciative smile. "Thanks."

"All good, I think," you say, sucking a little air between your teeth.

He cocks a brow. "You don't sound convinced."

With a bit of a defeated shrug, you purse your lips together. "I just..."

The way you trail off is all too familiar. Jeongguk's used to it. Has been a while since you struggled to find your words so badly.

"Big girl words," he teases softly, which earns him a small laugh from you.

"Fuck off," you smile, then shake your head to realign your thoughts. "No, I just... Sorry. Did it again. I just don't know how sustainable this all is, yanno?"

Jeongguk doesn't say a word. Knows that you aren't done formulating just yet - and when you sigh, before launching into a little ramble, he's proven right.

"I mean, I'm already a shift down this week to help with prep, and next week I've had to book two days off work. And like, honestly, it's fine," you stress. "I enjoy it so much, but long term? When Tae's shows get bigger and bigger? I just dunno, Gguk. Dunno."

You want it to be long-term. Never knew it was something you wanted until you realised maybe you can't have it. Seem unattainable now in a way that you knew before you started helping Taehyung out. The thing so wonderful about dreams is that you fool yourself into thinking they can come true. You neglect rational thinking.

Confronted with the restraints of the industry, it's hard to ignore. Hard to pretend like you could still have it, if you really want it. Things like that don't happen for people like you.

"Well just wait until I get the restaurant going," he smiles, knowing he doesn't have a solution for you - but that he does have the ability to talk about the future with you in a way that doesn't feel all that terrifying. "When I'm super successful and have queues out the door, I'll hire you. Will pay you above minimum wage and let you work with Tae on the side."

"Oh yeah?" You grin, enthused by the childlike excitement in his sparkly eyes. "Gonna be a big hot shot restaurant owner?"

"I'll have you know, I'll be the CEO," he nods his head smugly.

"Oh, that's sexy," you tell him.

"I know."

You hum a little and then decide that a little flirt is okay. "Would be kinda hot, fucking the boss, wouldn't it?"

He raises a brow. Swipes his tongue along his bottom lip, wetting his lip ring as he toys with it. "Would be a HR nightmare."

"Would give me a reason to call you Sir."

"Don't," he smiles, eyes closing, teeth showing. Sweetness encapsulates him despite the stickiness of the scenario that's playing out inside his head right now. Shakes his head. Slowly opens his eyes to find you again. Laughs. "You're fuckin' trouble, Byeol."

"S'why you like me."

"True," he admits rather shamelessly. Doesn't fancy denying it today. Not to himself. Not to you. Not to the world around him.

The air between you gets thinner. Feels like you can only keep breathing if you keep your eyes on one another. Up, and up you go into the atmosphere. Any higher, and you'll be in the fucking stars.

"I hate to ask..." Jeongguk murmurs and you immediately feel your floating soul crash back down to earth. The stars are off-limits today. Your feet must remain firmly on the ground.

"Then don't," you say sharply, not wanting the conversation to go in the direction you know he's steering it in.

"Byeol," he simply reprimands, knowing that it's a conversation that needs to be had. "You've not given me any updates."

"'Cause there's been nothing to report back," you say, as if it's no big deal; as if you haven't spent every waking moment thinking about it. As if your daydreams aren't getting more and more concerning. "I've skipped a month. That's all. It's not that uncommon."

"Well, according to WebMD, apparently some women get periods even when they are pregnant - like, certified, tested, proven true pregnant," Jeongguk states, his late-night research coming to the forefront of his mind. "That's not supposed to happen. Just like you're not supposed to miss your periods when you're not pregnant-"

"Gguk," you plead. "It's not that linear. All sorts of things affect periods."

"I know," he replies, and bless his heart, he really does think he knows. "Stress, eating habits, exercise, medical issues - I've read, like, 6 articles about PCOS in the last 24 hours. Didn't even know what it was last week."

You're fond as you smile over at him. "Why have you been reading PCOS articles?"

" Because ," he stresses, but gives no immediate follow up. Looks over to you with pleading eyes, like a puppy dog waiting for scraps. "Look B, I don't know what's going on. You won't tell me what's going on. The best I can do is try and understand."

"I've told you, Gguk. It's fine. Please. Just trust me."

It's a naive ask, for him to trust you, when you don't even trust yourself.

"Will you please just take a test?" He asks. "The longer it takes, the less options you'll have. We'll have."

You know he's right. Know that there's a test waiting in your bedroom, and that you've spent hours looking at because you're terrified of a result. A positive result, that is.

You won't admit to the way that the idea of a negative result makes you feel. Not to Jeongguk, nor to yourself. It's not what you want. You know that it wouldn't fit into your life. You know that the idea of being in Jina's position would wreck any goals or plans for your life.

And then you're feeling defensive. Pressured. Overwhelmed.

"Look, I said it's fine," you insist, trying to reassure not only him, but yourself too. "I know my body. It just does this sometimes. If anything, I'm probably less fertile than I should be."

"Yeah, but you don't know that-"

"And you don't know that I'm not."

"B, this affects us both," Jeongguk says, his patience waning, tone firming. He's right.

"I know that!" You snap back, 'cause it feels like he's backing you into a corner. "You think I'm not aware? Gguk, if I am-" you refuse to say the word, then quieten your voice. Look around. Get a little closer. "If I am , then I'm the one who has to deal with it. I'm the one who has to live with it. I'm the one who has to experience it."

"Oh what, so suddenly I play no part in this?" He argues right back, but keeps his voice quiet. Mirrors you. Is right there in the corner with you. If this is a boxing match, then he's not your opponent; he's the coach giving you water in the break and patching you up. There's no need to see him as the enemy. "I'm not just some random fucking guy, B. I'm not about to jump ship."

"Okay, hypothetical," you say, encouraging him to use his imagination a little. Try and see things how you see them. "It's positive. I don't want it, you do. Then what? What do we do?"

He's silent for a moment. Looks a little defeated as he shrugs. Doesn't look at you. "We'd get rid."

And even though it's what you think is the correct answer - putting priority on the carrier of the child - it still makes you a little sad. There are layers to such a decision. It's not straightforward. The complexities are beyond what you're capable of considering. There is no 'correct' answer. There are just choices; the one that you take, and the ones that you don't.

It's a curse how vivid your imagination can be; how you can imagine the rough skin by the tips of his fingers as he'd hold your hand in the waiting room, the look in his eyes as you turn to steal a glance at him before going through a pair of double doors that would ultimately change the outcome of your future, and the sterile scent of a medical facility that you'd really rather never visit.

You can picture his smile; pretty but ever so weak. Gorgeous little lies of 'it's okay' wrapped up with bows that could have maybe one day been tied in a child's hair instead.

Pull yourself together, you scold yourself. You don't even want a kid!

"If I were to get rid of it, while you wanted it... Gguk, you would resent me for what I took from you until the day you died," you say solemnly.

The gravity of it all is setting in. A positive result would ruin your lives regardless of whichever option you choose.

The pair of you have been gambling, and it seems like your luck is out.

"I wouldn't," Jeongguk frowns.

"How do you know?"

"Well how can you be certain that I would?" he counters. Is desperately trying see your point of view, but it's obscured by his own opinion on the matter. "Look, none of this is worth us getting worked up about until we know what the fuck we're dealing with. You might not even be pregnant."

He's right. You know he's right. The word makes your stomach lurch regardless.

So you nod, but plead, "Just give me a little time. Please."

He agrees. Knows that you do at least have a little more time before any certain decisions would need to be made. Walks you home. Tells you to keep him updated.

But then one day turns into two, then three, then four - and before you know it, you're ignoring one another, trying to pretend like all of this isn't happening; as if nothing has changed, and as if you haven't potentially fucked it all up just 'cause you couldn't stop messing about.

It's laughable, really. Your insatiable need to fuck one another has become its own form of birth control. Jeongguk isn't even waking up hard these days. Too stressed. No worry of fucking, now. Dick seems to be broken.

In all reality, he knows that it's nothing to do with his cock. He's not waking up hard, 'cause there's a lack of blood flow. Heart isn't pumping it like it normally does. Goes with the territory of not having you around.

But if he acknowledges that, he acknowledges everything he stands to lose before he's even had a chance to have it. Have you .

It's what he's thinking of now - cock limp, scowl hard - the night before Taehyung's art show. It's been five days. You've not kept him updated. He's not asked for updates.

You've both been pathetic - but he's attributing it to you. Thinks you're deliberately being childish so that he won't think having a kid is a good idea - as if he even wants them right now.

Sitting on the couches of Taehyung's studio space, the usual suspects are up to nothing much. Just having a few drinks the night before the show. It's a bit of ritual - nothing set in stone, just kind of what happens. The easing of Taehyung's nerves means he always wants to indulge.

Stewing in the corner like a little parasite, Jeongguk's face of thunder hasn't eased all evening. He never gives a straight answer when he's asked about these little moods of his, so no one has bothered to press too hard. He is at least in attendance - which is more than can be said for you.

"It really doesn't matter," Taehyung smiles, unphased by Jeongguk, stroking Danbi's back as she scrolls through her phone, looking for outfit inspiration.

"Yeah, no offence Danbi, but everyone's gonna be looking at the art," Jimin mumbles through a mouthful of overpriced breadsticks. "No one is gonna care what you wear."

Rolling her eyes, Danbi doesn't care for his opinion. "So? I want people to look at me, which is why my outfit needs to good."

Still stroking her back, Taehyung is so incredibly fond of her unwavering self-assured place in the world. "People will be looking at you," he supports her. "What's DB wearing?"

Flicking through to your message thread, which had ended earlier that afternoon with a very blatant bullshit excuse for your lack of attendance, Danbi scrolls up to find the picture you'd sent her earlier that day.

"Oh, it's nice," Taehyung downplays it. Knows exactly why Danbi is desperate to find something showstopping. Will never let her be aware of this, though. What he does do, is make sure it reaches the right people. "She shown you, Gguk?"

The grunt that Jeongguk makes is barely audible. If there's one thing he doesn't want to see right now, it's you. Especially you looking all fancy and shit.

He's still annoyed. You haven't spoken to him since your fight other than to send him dumb instagram reels. Rabbits hopping about. Shit like that. He smiles every damn time and it only serves to piss him off even more.

But, like the true nuisance she is, Danbi forwards the picture through to Jeongguk. She hasn't heard directly from you that you're fighting with Jeongguk, but anyone who has spent time with the both of you in the last few days will be able to figure it out.

Jeongguk knows better than to click through on the notification. Knows that if you wanted him to know what you're wearing, you would have shown him.

But he misses you.

Wants to see you, even if he knows it will only serve to annoy him even more.

He's proven right.

Standing in front of your mirror - the one used for your first selfie with the bird necklace on Christmas Eve, and also used for your own sadistic pleasure on that very first evening Jeongguk learned what it felt like to be yours - you're in a black dress.

Satin, he thinks. Something silky. It's short, like your dresses so often are, cutting off midway down your thighs. Fitted. Sweetheart neckline that blooms over the top of your chest, with sleeves that follow this same structured line. Shoulders fully exposed, there is a small tickle of satisfaction when Jeongguk notices your bird sitting prettily in place, right where it should be.

Even if you are annoyed, like he knows you are, you're keeping him close. It's more than can be said for last time. You've no intention of pushing him away or so it would seem. He takes comfort in this, a self-indulgent smile on his lips - until he realises and flattens them once more.

"S'fine," he just says as he locks his phone, as if his heart isn't beating all irregularly. "I'm sure she'll look nice."

Danbi glances over to Taehyung, who just rolls his eyes, and encourages her to show him more of her own options.

Jeongguk pretends to scroll through his phone. Is really just looking at that picture of you again. Hates the way it makes him feel. All fuzzy and out of sync. Perfectly safe and yet terrified all in the same fleeting moment.

Has him thinking about what he should wear, too, even if the other boys are telling Danbi that it really doesn't matter.

You look so well put together, he thinks. So intentionally gorgeous. He would say unintentionally , and knows you'd look just as gorgeous in one of his old shirts, but is well aware that you've put effort in. It should be appreciated.

It's decided - at two-thirty in the morning, all alone by himself, contents of his wardrobe piled onto the floor - that Jeongguk will also be wearing all black.

He will match you. It will be intentional. He will hope you notice.

'Cause even if he is a little pissed off with you, it doesn't matter. Had grown up with parents who'd bicker, but would always say 'there's no one else I'd rather argue with.'

He thinks the same could be said for the pair of you.

If your worst fears are confirmed, and you're forever tied to him, then it's something you'll need to learn to navigate. Neither of you are perfect, but neither of you are pretending to be. You're showing him exactly who you are by showing him nothing at all, right now.

And he adores you all the fucking same.

Jeongguk decides on black slacks, and will pair them with a thick belt. A satin shirt will be tucked in, unbuttoned just enough for a little bit of his chest to show. Nothing too indecent. Just wants to match your neckline.

The jacket he's chosen is red. Hopes it'll dare you to look at him, and prevent you from ever looking away. He's being bold, 'cause he stupidly thinks he needs to be, as if you won't be searching for solace in the form of him all night.

He also thinks he needs to consider the kind of man you want . The kind you need . You seem to go for the prim types. The proper. Well-dressed, well-groomed. He's got the outfit sorted. Knows he's being a little risky with the lack of a top button and tie, but he also knows he looks good - so fuck it.

Which is also what he says to his barber on the morning of the show.

"You've been growing it out for a while," she hums. Only re-permed it a couple of weeks ago. Hadn't been expecting him to come for a walk-in appointment so soon.

He shrugs. "Fuck it. It's just hair. It'll grow back."

She laughs, and tells him that he's right - but double-checks before she goes in with the clippers. He's not had anything so close to the scalp in about a year. Started growing it out around the same time you started showing up to the bar.

He braces himself. Grits his teeth. Don't let fear get the better of you.

"I'm sure."

Time stands still within the walls of the Ryu. Moments of life - fleeting expressions of biased emotions - are preserved for voyeuristic viewing pleasure. You're a guilty participant. Salivate over the mixed media, and equally mixed messages. Have a desire to understand. To decipher. To know.

The walls are dark. Slate grey when the floodlights are on, they look black under the diffused bulbs that focus solely on the works.

'Unplugged: The Lonely Hearts of the Digital Age' reads the exhibition branding on the front of the paper guide in your hand. There's an evocative nature to the pieces; an exploration of intimacy and isolation in the modern landscape of smartphones and high-speed internet.

"Oh, entirely," you smile pleasantly at the gentleman twice your age, who had come to stand beside you while you had been observing some of the work. He's been asking your thoughts, and you've been bullshitting spectacularly. "In a world where we're more connected than ever before, there somehow seems to be this... disconnect . A real lack of interpersonal relationships that stand the test of time."

He nods, half-moon glasses resting across the bridge of his short nose. "Too easy these days. Dating apps, and whatnot."

You cast your eyes down to the fingers he has wrapped around a champagne flute. He's without a ring. You wonder if he's a victim to them, too.

"The grass is greener mentality," you agree. Know all too well what it's like to be on the receiving end of such a dilemma. "Always searching for something... more."

A small chuckle emits from his thin lips as he continues to agree.

One of the serving staff, no older than a high school senior, offers their tray of champagne in your direction, but you decline. It's unusual of you - but it's no secret you've not been feeling exactly 'usual' lately.

From across the room, Jeongguk glances in your direction as you shake your hand and head, a polite smile on your lips as you refuse a drink. Your eyes don't flash to his, but he doesn't need them to.

When your gaze falls back to the artwork in front of you, he can easily see your perplexion.

He also notices how your skin doesn't sparkle like it usually does beneath gallery lights. A tight frown forms on his face to match yours.

The paintings you're looking at aren't Taehyung's. Jeongguk doesn't know the artist. Oil, he assumes from this distance. Hyperrealism. Enlarged. A matching pair with stark differences.

The first, to the left, is dark. Navy blues and deep purples depict the foils of condom wrappers, each with a name and date scrawled into them. They're scattered atop what looks like a legal document.

He can't work out the words from where he is. Doesn't realise they're divorce papers.

None of the wrappers match the name of the document, yet all of the wrappers are dated during the duration of the marriage.

On the right hand side, the other painting is clearly part of the same collection. A packet of oral contraception. 28 days worth. Includes the placebo days. Like the condoms, each empty window of the contraception has a name. Some repeating. Some not. There are no names written during the placebo week.

It begs the question; is the taker of the contraception just using the men when it's convenient for her? Or are they just using her when it's convenient for them, and leaving her in the dust when her body is unavailable?

You're not sure which scenario makes you sadder. Reminds you of this time last year. Reminds you of Seokjin. Reminds you of the people that you used to forget about him on the lonely nights.

If you were to think about your own pills, and the names that would inscribed, you know you'd have packet after packet with only one name. Everyday of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every night. Over the placebo days, too.

Not because Jeongguk has been fucking you all day every day - although sometimes it does feel like that. No. It's not that all.

Instead, it would be because he gives you the intimacy you need to make those pills worth it. He doesn't have to constantly be in bed with you. Quite often isn't. It's just that you'll keep taking those pills 'cause you always want to be available for him in any capacity you can be. Those pills are his just as much as they are yours.

And you hate it.

Hate that you feel this way. Hate that indulging in such intimacy with the person you hold closest has resulted in such a clusterfuck of emotions. Hate that he isn't beside you right now, deciphering the names and making up ridiculous stories about the fictional people in front of you. Hate that when you glance over to his direction, you find him engaged in conversation with a group of people you consider friends, only to notice that Hayun is there, too.

Your arms fold a little tighter into your chest as your eyes fall back on the painting. You're alone, now, the man who had been chatting with you also now distracted by associates.

"Hey," a soft, feminine voice sounds next to you. Seoyeon. Hair loose, but with pretty little plaits running through it, she's wearing white trousers and a fitted blazer. Looks demure as ever. "You okay?"

A simple question that calls for a simple answer - yet it feels all rather complex.

You nod. Say you are. Return the question. She returns your answer.

"Gosh, that's depressing," she says of the artwork, and it makes you laugh. She's not wrong.

"Makes you feel something, at least," you offer, to which she hums in agreement.

"I suppose - but I was feeling perfectly happy before I saw it," she giggles, nudging your shoulder, seemingly aware of your less-than-stellar mood. "Watcha doing over here all alone?"

It's a great question. Fantastic question. Devastating answer.

Oh, so I've been fucking Jeongguk for months and he's convinced himself that I'm carrying his spawn and now he's mad at me because I haven't done the test to confirm nor deny. Oh why? Why I haven't done it? 'Cause it'll change the trajectory of my whole entire life and I'm fucking terrified. And I skip periods all the time. No biggie.

Now isn't the time for such honesties, though.

"Just wanted to read all the names," you say, nodding towards the art.

"See any you recognise?"

"Well, there is a Jimin on the first Wednesday," you grin.

"Why am I not surprised," Seoyeon laughs. "Our very own Casanova. Oh - speak of the devil!"

"Devil?" Jimin questions as he approaches you both with fresh champagne flutes in either hand. "Me? Please. You both know I'm an angel."

The way you incredulously both raise your eyebrows at him, bemused smirks on your faces, would suggest that no, you don't 'know' he's an angel.

"Oh, piss off," he laughs, standing between you both, offering you the champagne flutes. When you decline, he's curious. "Oh? Dry night?"

Nodding, you decide that you'll give as few answers as possible when it comes to your lack of drinking - not that it matters, given how much you've abused your body with star fuckers in recent weeks. Any damage is already, inevitably done.

"One of us needs to be the sensible one," you joke, and ignore the burning gaze you can feel from across the room.

His stare is sweltering, like early May heat after a freezing spring, regardless of the cool air that's currently circulating around the room.

It's stuffy, the way his eyes follow you. Suffocating.

And yet you love the warmth. Want evidence of him on your skin like the burn of a summer sun.

Turning your head as Seoyeon and Jimin natter, you're surprised to find his shamelessly dark eyes still on you.

Hair pushed back, he's wearing it shorter than usual. It takes you a moment to realise it's been cut. You think a part of you dies from such a devastating loss - but it's revitalised within the same millisecond. It's criminal how handsome he looks. How mature he seems. Jaw tense, bone structure highlighted, he's a vision. Heaven. Ethereal.

Matching your all black attire, there's one keen difference. One that throws you off entirely: his jacket. It's one you've never seen before. Red. A kaleidoscope of different tones. Dappled, they bleed into one another. You can tell it's expensive. Tell it's being worn with a purpose.

It's unusual for him, and yet he holds a beauty that can only be compared to that of Venus herself. The jacket was made for him.

But you don't like the idea that maybe actually it was made for him, by the only seamstress you know. See no other reason for him to own such an item.

Stupidly, it upsets you how good red looks on him. Pisses you off.

Across the circle of people he stands with is the seamstress herself.

Just as you match him with your silky black dress, she matches him with her scarlet nails and deep ruby cocktail number. Gorgeous in the way that her hair effortlessly waves over her shoulders, she pays your judgemental eyes no notice.

They look good together. Like they belong. A good girl. Upper class. Bad boy. Her bit of 'rough'. Jeongguk likes a good Romeo and Juliet type story. You're sure he loves the romanticisation of their coupling.

So caught up in your own head, you almost miss the way Jimin deliberately chooses to include you in on the conversation once more. Just asks your opinion on the piece, then asks if you know the artist. He wants to check that he's not the Jimin scrawled into the pill packet.

"I'll find out," you promise him - but you're certain he's not. Park Jimin isn't exactly the most unique of names, but you don't want to hurt his ego.

"Legend," he grins, before roping Namjoon in for his opinion on whether or not it's his name.

"It's nothing to be proud of," Namjoon assure him. "If it's you, you're being branded as a hit it and quit it kinda guy. You're only on there once. Most of them are on their a few times. You not good enough for round two?"

Scoffing, Jimin looks to you for defence.

You just smile. Make your excuses and leave. Bless him.

As beautiful as the show is, there's a sadness to it. It revives unpleasant memories. Provokes parts of your brain that have been well trained to not make a noise.

Schmoozing with some of the higher ups from Shilla finances, you're going for the hard sell. Telling them all about Taehyung, and how he's hotly tipped to be one of the most successful artists of this generation.

It's all bullshit, of course, but someone has to have that title. Why shouldn't it be him?

"He certainly does have a gift," one of the older men acknowledges. His name evades you now, but you remember him from networking events with Seokjin. Would always treat the serving staff with kindness, which is more than could be said for most of them. It's the only reason you're entertaining the conversation - the other men you recognise from those events have been avoided by you at all costs.

You're about to call Taehyung over, when the looming intrusion of a bowing gentleman makes itself known in your personal space. It's his presence you notice first. Aftershave second. Stoic, burly voice third.

"Director Choi," he interjects from behind you. "It's good to see you here."

Smiling, with just as much kindness as he shows to everyone, Choi nods back. "Kim Seokjin! I didn't realise you'd be here tonight."

"Ah, well," Seokjin smiles. You can hear it in his tone, even if you daren't turn to face him. Your skin suddenly chills as his large hands rest over the tops of your bare shoulders. "Was back in town, and couldn't miss it. You're speaking with the city's best curator."

The way he squeezes your shoulders, skin on skin, makes you want to be sick. It's as if you've had far too much of the champagne you've been turning down all evening - but your stomach is empty. All you'd be able to do is gag.

Yet your body is entirely frozen.

And neither of the men care enough to notice.

"It's quite the collection," Choi nods, but doesn't keep his focus on you. Like the serving staff, he's always polite to you, but will always see you as a second-class citizen. You're not a man. He doesn't respect you. As human? Yes, he does. But as a person? Why would he waste his time if he can't profit off of you? "Tell me Seokjin, how have you been? I hear your department is up by 3.7% this week?"

The conversation around you is stuffy, like that sticky summer heat clinging to your skin once more. It's unpleasant, but inescapable. There's nothing you can do, except let it ruin you.

One breath in; through the nose. One breath out; through the mouth.

Repeat.

One breath in; through the nose. One breath out; through the mouth.

There's a squeeze of Seokjin's hands; a silent instruction to not move your shoulders so much.

Half a breath in. Half a breath out.

You've an inability to focus on anything other than basic survival.

In the times you've seen Seokjin since the breakup, he's always been so good at acting as if it never happened. He touches you just the same. Speaks with just as much fondness that always made you think you actually meant something to him.

For so long, you wished he would be like that with you in public. Would proudly claim you as his own.

But now that he is, all you want is for him to look at you with remorse. Regret.

Sort of like Jeongguk is doing, as he spots you from across the room. Was just doing his quarter-of-an-hourly checks to make sure you're still okay - even if he is annoyed with you. Thinks that anyone who has ever spent even a smidgeon of time with you should know that the look in your eyes is far from okay.

They're downcast. To the floor. Your nostrils flare ever so gently as you inhale. Mouth forms a delicate pout as you exhale. Breathing exercises. He recognises them instantly. They're the same ones Jeongguk does when he's frustrated and trying his damn hardest to not break another display case.

It's been working lately. Not a permanent fix, no, but it's been going okay. Has finally been reading one of Namjoon's self-help books that's been on his bedside table for months. Fills the time that should be spent on you doing that, instead.

But Jeongguk thinks all of his hard work might just go down the fucking drain when he realises what's happening. When he notices exactly who has a possessive grip on you. When, from across the room, he hears Seokjin laughing at some vapid joke that he knows mustn't be even remotely funny.

"Hey, Dan," he calls over to your best friend, breaking her from her conversation with Taehyung. When she looks at Jeongguk, she follows the direction in which he nods.

She gasps. Drops her hold on Taehyung's forearm, and doesn't hesitate to beeline straight for you.

Jeongguk knows it should have been him - but he also knows you're stubborn. Knows you might have chosen to stay put just to spite him. Also knows that stress if bad for the body. Says so in another one of those webMD tabs open on his phone. You're stressed enough as it is. Don't need him causing a scene. Danbi is what you need right now.

Not him.

But he needs air - so heads out towards the stairwell and just keeps on going up. Up and up, until there's nowhere left to go. Closer and closer to the stars. Further and further away from his very own.

Elbows resting on the wall of the rooftop, Jeongguk lets a deep-rooted sigh exhale from his body. Lungs heavy in his chest, he's in need of respite - yet even that seems like an unattainable goal these days.

He wishes to be back in Busan; where the sun shines and so do you.

The darkness of the city envelopes him, now, much like it obscures his heart. Confuses it. Tells him all sorts of lies. She loves you. She loves you not. She loves you. She loves you not. He's not sure what's the truth, anymore.

He's not plucked at daisy petals since he was a kid, but he does occasionally pull glitter from his skin. That's when the rhyme repeats. That's how he knows he only has space in his heart for you.

And so when the bustling sound of the city is interrupted by a voice that isn't yours, he frowns.

"Watcha doing up here, buddy?"

The roll of Jeongguk's eyes is so damn weighted he's surprised it doesn't sound like stones are being turned. Of all the people he wants to be alone with right now, Hayun would be towards the bottom of the list. Likely beaten only by your shitbag of an ex.

"Needed some air," he lies. Doesn't look at her as she takes the space beside him, then shuffles over a little. Doesn't wanna touch her. The intrusion of her perfume is enough to make him feel sick. Has done ever since she approached him in the courtyard of Dionysus.

"Could have gone for a smoke with Tae," she says all rather pleasantly.

Jeongguk is well aware of this. Truth be told, he could do with a cigarette. Could do with many things right now.

Could do with a few shots, or even a high. MDMA, maybe. Something that'll have him thinking death is inevitable before he manages to reach his come up. Could spend the whole night pinging. Wouldn't have to think about you, or your ex, or the fact his heart already feels like it's got a little ecstasy running through it these days.

But you're not drinking, and so Jeongguk isn't smoking. Is finally actually trying to make some good decisions for a change, to atone for all of his questionable ones.

He shakes his head. Bunches his face up ever so slightly. Is dismissive as he simply says, "Didn't fancy it."

Just like he doesn't fancy engaging in this conversation.

She nods, pretending to care. Fabricating a persona that matches how awfully pretty she is. "You don't seem like yourself."

Mentally, Jeongguk sneers. Physically, he remains unchanged. Statuesque.

"You've been saying that ever since you came back," he eventually sighs. Looks over to her. Doesn't mean to be so cold, but frankly no longer has the patience. "You can't fuck people over and expect them to welcome you back with open arms. Doesn't work like that, Yun."

Hayun's laugh is parasitic. Gets under his skin. Crawls about. Makes him feel sick. His body rejects it.

"She's inside your head," is all she says. "Never used to be like this before she came around."

In the far distance, a police siren sounds. It's swallowed up by the fumes of rattling exhaust pipes and the posing arrival of planes from foreign lands. In a city that never rests, Jeongguk thinks it mad that Hayun expected him to remain exactly as he was.

Doesn't even register what she says about you. Pays it no attention.

"I don't wanna keep doing this, Hayun," Jeongguk says quietly.

It's strange, because he knows it's the 'right' thing to do, but it still doesn't feel entirely correct.

Years of knowing her - of loving her - have been reduced to nothing but resentment and wasted time. Everything he experienced with her equates to emptiness. The good - of which there was plenty - and the bad - of which there was marginally more.

"What do you mean?" she asks, as if she doesn't already know.

"I don't wanna pretend like we're still friends," he simply states. "It's doing nobody any favours."

It's something he should have said a long time ago. Something he's known for far longer than he's wanted to admit. Something Jimin has been telling him for years.

"Gguk," she tries, and reaches out for his hand - but Jeongguk tears it away from her.

"No," he reaffirms. Is setting boundaries. Is being as firm with her as he wishes you'd be with Seokjin. He keeps his voice measured. Sensible. Wastes no more energy than is needed. "I'll be perfectly cordial with you, but I'm not gonna act like we're anything more than strangers. Said it yourself, you don't know who I am these days. Please stop trying to find whoever you think I used to be."

"So I guess the marriage pact is vetoed?" She tries to joke. Thinks that making light of the situation will ease things. Make them less awkward.

He doesn't dignify her with a direct response to that. Instead, he stands a little straighter. Taps his ringed fingers against the wall so that a clunky pat sounds against the urethane coating that covers the entire roof area. Turns to face her. Looks down upon her. "I'm asking you nicely, Hayun - but if I have to ask again, I won't be."

There's nothing she can say to reel him back in. Not anymore. Not like she used to. She knows this. Hates this.

But one thing Hayun refuses to ever do is embarrass herself. Not for a man. Especially not for one she didn't even want that badly in the first place.

That's exactly the issue at hand, though. He was always the one chasing her. Always. Must have worn through a hundred pairs of shoes in pursuit of her - but he's stopped running now, and she can't quite wrap her head around it.

"Okay," she simply says. Smiles. It's insincere. Jeongguk doesn't realise this, 'cause it looks like every other fuckin' smile she's ever cast his way. "Look, emotions are high. I won't take this to heart. Whenever you're ready, you know where to find me."

Glancing over to the door, Hayun's ruby-red lips falter. Her smile almost cracks, but she holds herself well.

"Oh, goodie," Hayun hums. "Suppose I should leave you to it."

Jeongguk doesn't follow her gaze. Knows that there's only one person who could evoke such a reaction - and right now, he's annoyed with you, too.

He does, at least, say, "I suppose you should."

It's not until Hayun begins to strut away that Jeongguk turns to the door. Not to watch her walk away, no.

To watch you walk towards him, instead - but you don't.

You stay leant against the door frame. There's a sultry smile on your lips, and he's surprised to see they move a little as Hayun approaches. He can't hear you, but he knows your lips almost better than he knows his own. Can work out exactly what you're saying.

Lipstick's a little smudged.

Jeongguk knows that it absolutely is not - but the way Hayun's hand lifts to her lips suggests that she doesn't know this.

It's evident you're trying to evoke some sort of insecurity in her. Seems to have worked. Also seems to be incredibly mean-spirited - but he's not gonna hold it against you. Knows that it's the least Hayun deserves. It's not like he was exactly kind to Seokjin upon meeting him, either.

The sounds of the city echo out around you as a small breeze carries the scent of the trees that are finally starting to rebloom after a harsh winter. There's hope to be found in the darkness of this night. The promise of rebirth.

Or at least there is, until you begin to make excuses to leave.

"Just came up for some air," you explain, not looking to engage in conversation with him. If anything, you just feel like you're losing your breath.

He nods. Purses his lips. Turns away from you. Hopes you'll come to join him.

There's a you-sized spot right beside him. Hayun had tried forcing her way in, but the fit just wasn't right.

His broad shoulders widen as his elbows rest back upon the wall, body silhouetted in the skyline. Something about him today feels so new. So different. Maybe it's just the hair - but hair holds history. You feel like he's cut you out of his. Is starting afresh, maybe.

Whatever the case, he's clearly not concerned in inviting you into his current narrative. Is quite literally blocking you out.

You had arrived to find him locked in conversation with Hayun. Engaged. He'd watched her walk away, and the moment she was gone, couldn't stand the sight of you, or so it seems.

And so as Jeongguk waits - wishes - for you to walk towards him and slink your arm around his waist, you decide to cut your losses. Hadn't even come up to the roof to see him. Had been hoping to be alone after the whole Seokjin debacle.

It's not like you hadn't known Seokjin would be in attendance tonight.

He had messaged you to confirm the date. You just hadn't expected him to waltz in like a proud partner, parading you around in front of his colleagues.

So yeah, you had been shocked. Had been unable to respond in a way that accurately conveyed how you felt. Had panicked. Had cried in the storage room that Danbi had dragged you into while she gave you a pep talk and wiped away your stray tears, before suggesting you get some air.

You wonder if perhaps she knew Jeongguk would be here. Seems likely, knowing her.

Your lip trembles as you go to speak, unspoken words vibrating between them. There's no sound. Just the city. The cars, and the revellers from a bar a few blocks down. Jazz music echoing up the stairs to the rooftop, too.

And then there's Jeongguk's voice. Quiet. Controlled. Commanding.

"The first bird," he says. Looks down as he does so. Builds his confidence, then turns around to look at you. Is displeased to see your body facing away from him now, about to walk away - as if you hadn't instantly turned your head to look at him. "The first one. We went to the water park. Some guy looked at you in a way you didn't like, and you went straight on over and told him to stop being a perv. Remember?"

Of course you do.

But you say nothing. Do nothing. Just turn your body. Let him know you're listening. He continues.

"You know your limits, B. You know your boundaries."

You nod, now. Still stay silent.

Jeongguk's jaw grates, tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek. You're avoiding his confrontation, just like you've been avoiding all talks of anything serious since that day at the cafe.

And it's pissing him off.

"So why do you let him overstep them?" Jeongguk continues - and finally, this accusation gets a rise from you.

"I don't let him do anything," you scoff - and then you accuse. "You're the one I've just found hiding up on the rooftop with your ex. What about those boundaries, huh?"

Jeongguk rolls his eyes. Turns away from you. Looks out over the city, and wishes it would swallow him whole. "You've got no fuckin' idea, B. No idea."

"So then tell me!" You say, as if it's as easy as reciting your ABC's. "I'm not a mind reader-"

"And nor am I!" He says sternly, but doesn't raise his voice any higher than yours. "You've spent half the week ignoring me, only for you to barely even look at me now. You're not even wearing any glitter -"

"Why does that even matter?" You interrupt, unsure exactly of what he's trying to say.

Is the lack of glitter intentional? Yes.

Is it for the reasons he assumes? Probably not.

"'Cause we both know he fuckin' hates it," he snaps, decidedly far more pissed off now that he's speaking his thoughts into existence. "We both know you didn't wear it because of him in the past. So for you to show up with no glitter? Let him leech all over you? After he sent you all those fucking roses, and you won't fucking talk to me? Tell me what I'm supposed to think, huh?"

"Why does it even matter to you?" You fight back. It takes two to tango, and he seems to know the steps pretty fucking well. "You've been ignoring me too-"

"It matters to me because you might be fucking pregnant, B!"

Silence shatters around you both. Steals any words that could be said in the wake of such a declaration.

You roll your eyes. Do a fantastic job at pretending as if you don't feel like your world is caving in on itself.

"No, you don't get to treat me like I'm being irrational when you've been drinking cranberry juice all evening," he scathes, the frustrated gestures of his hands letting you know just how upset he is - and rightly so. "You don't get to act like you've not been thinking about it too."

"We don't even know if I'm pregnant-"

"And who's fault is that?!

"Gguk-"

"No, you're being such an asshole about this, B. This doesn't affect just you. This affects me too, okay?

Shaking his head, Jeongguk turns away from you. The way you're behaving is so unlike you, or so he thought. Maybe he didn't know you as well as he thought. Maybe he did get wrapped up in fallacies of you; in the what if.

"I fucking defended you," he says quietly. Isn't even sure if you can hear him. Doesn't care. Shakes his head and lets it dip between his disappointed shoulders. You'd be forgiven for think he was giving his next words careful thought. In all reality, he just starts ranting. "When he was at the tennis club, and was chatting shit, I defended you. Me . And yet you're more concerned with keeping up appearances for him ."

"You did what ?"

Now that he's started, Jeongguk can't stop. Not when he turns around. Not when he looks at you. Not when he starts to walk towards you.

"I insinuated we were together to get him to shut the fuck up," Jeongguk scoffs, thinking about his former self. Is embarrassed, now. Is letting his frustrations show because fuck it . He's hurting . Feels like a deer bleeding out on the side of a road, left to rot by some asshole driver who rammed straight into him at a hundred miles per hour. "So he's out here, showing up to your event, putting moves on you - even though he thinks you're with someone else - and you're fucking giving him the green light. Real fuckin' nice of him. A stand up guy. Respect must be his middle name. You really know how to pick 'em, B."

"Literally, how was I supposed to know any of that?!" You ask, eyes wide, brows furrowed. These new revelations are just as devastating as they are infuriating. All you can do is repeat a previous sentiment. "I'm not a fucking mind reader!"

But Jeongguk's irate now. Comical, almost, in how he downplays his anger.

"Oh, well, forgive me for assuming that you wouldn't bend to your exes every fucking whim!" He exclaims, a sarcastic smile on his face that snaps to a scowl within an instant. "I didn't think it was important because I thought you were beyond that point-"

"You're being cruel," you interrupt him, because he is. He knows how hard you've worked. Has been with you every step of the way - but this is how he views you?

"Me?" He laughs. It's cold.

"Yes," you say. "You."

"Nah." He shakes his head. Casts his eyes to the floor, 'cause looking at you like this only makes him feel even more frustrated with the current state of affairs. "Cruel is what Seokjin's doing right now - but you're giving him a free pass."

"I'm not. I don't want him leeching all over me," you say quietly, ashamed, turning away from him as you walk across the roof. Crouching, you bundle yourself up protectively, as if it'll make a difference. As if you can shield yourself from your friendship with Jeongguk as it comes crashing down on you both.

The only thing that makes any fucking sense to either of you right now is that you'd do it all again.

He'd ruin the friendship a million times over.

Not because he doesn't care, or because he's okay with losing you. Quite the opposite.

He'd ruin the friendship because - fuck it - that isn't what this is. The friendship flew out the window months ago. Maybe he was too late to realise it. Maybe he should have tried to claw it back in - but what use would that have been? It would have been wounded. Scratched to smithereens. Damaged.

Standing up straight, you curse at the sky. Are saddened by how few stars are out. Feels like they're shying away. Maybe they're ashamed, too.

"I have to head back," you say. Are defeated as you turn to face Jeongguk. "Tae's doing his speech, soon."

Jeongguk nods. Looks to the floor. Doesn't want you to go. Knows he hasn't exactly done anything to make it worth staying.

Both struggling with the current state of affairs, there's no one to blame. Joint bad decisions have led you here.

But he wants you close. Wants things to feel normal. Is willing to do anything.

"Look, your ex is down there being a prick," Jeongguk sighs. He waits for a moment. Lets you work out what he's gonna say in your own head. Wants to see your reaction before any of his bias comes into play. "He thinks we're together.... The best way to get him off your back?"

Your lips part ever so slightly. A crease forms between your brows, but your eyes remain kind. "Gguk..."

Shrugging, he plays off the weight of a suggestion he hasn't even vocalised yet. "He thinks we're together. Makes sense for us to act like we are."

For reasons you can't explain, the idea of other people seeing you and Jeongguk act intimately towards one another fills you with fear. It's not like it's an abhorrent thing - but to see the way your friends look at you as you present yourselves as a couple is to see their genuine reaction to it. If they're disgusted, you'll know that you're not suited. If they're elated, it will only play into these weird feelings that you've been having and are so desperately trying to avoid.

Eyes scanning him, you try and work out what he thinks of it all. If he's disgusted, you could probably live with that.

If he's elated?

Makes you feel queasy. Scared.

He holds out his hand. Knocks his head to the side. "C'mon. Face those fears of yours. Hold my hand."

It's bizarre, how Jeongguk has quite literally licked your arse, and yet this feels like the most obscene thing he's ever asked of you.

When you arrive back in the main room, Jeongguk stands behind you, ever so slightly to the side. Loops his arm around your waist. It's unintentional, the way his hand comes to rest over your stomach. Fingers splayed, he pulls your back to his chest, and you pretend like you're able to stand up straight without his support. Pretend as if the world around you isn't caving in on itself.

It wouldn't matter, even if it was. You're safe here. Safe with him.

And yet you insist on pushing him away.

"I wouldn't stand like this with a boyfriend," you say. "Too overbearing."

"Well, I would stand with a girlfriend like this," he assures you. The fingers that aren't firmly keeping your stomach protected come to your chin. Encourage it to the side. Get you looking at him. "I'd stand with her like this," he whispers, glances behind you so briefly that you almost miss it. "And when her ex boyfriend is looking in our direction - of which he is now - I'd kiss her."

"That wouldn't be very professional," you whisper.

"No," he acknowledges. "I don't suppose it would be."

He pulls away.

"I'll let you get on," he says. "The second he even so much as breathes in your direction, you come to me."

"Gguk-"

"You make your excuses and you come to me."

"I can handle it."

"Fine then," he shrugs. Begins to turn away, but makes sure to say, "I'll come to you."

And despite the deep-rooted need for you to prove yourself, there's a stranger sitting next to your determination. She goes by the name of Desire. And all she does is fucking laugh.

As Jeongguk rejoins his usual crowd, he's met with silence.

"Hmm?" He hums, reaching over for the glass Jimin is holding. Doesn't know what he's drinking. Doesn't ask. Downs it. Hands it back. "What are we talking about?"

Mouths a little ajar, neither Taehyung nor Danbi quite know what to make of what's happening, nor the foul mood that so clearly has a grip on their friend.

"Riveting," Jeongguk says sarcastically, when the silence lasts for a little too long. "No, really. Please go on."

But then, right on cue, Seokjin is heading in your direction, and Jeongguk may as well be bleeding through his tear ducts, given how red his sight is.

Bolting for you, Jeongguk almost knocks into one of the waiting staff. Spends a short moment apologising, then makes sure to interact with the people standing behind you. Has never seen them before in his life. Has no idea who they are - yet he greets them like old friends. Wants Seokjin to question his place. Wants him to think that Jeongguk is so much more important than he actually is.

And when he arrives to find Seokjin already speaking with you?

Yeah. Ain't no way he's letting him win.

Jeongguk does not give a fuck. Does not care about the opinions of anyone else. The world around him is burning red, flames that refuse to flicker out - and you crash through them like a beam of white light. A shooting star that offers the promise of something better. Something new.

Imposing in his stance, Jeongguk comes to stand beside you. Offers his hand out to Seokjin.

"Ah! Seojoon," he says, deliberately getting the wrong name, and not caring that maybe it's indicative of the fact your former fling has also been on his mind. Fine! Maybe he's obsessed with the fact other people have more of a claim on your romantic history than he does. Sue him. "We met at the golf course, remember?"

Seokjin doesn't correct Jeongguk on the incorrect name, nor the incorrect location. Knows exactly what he's doing. Shakes his hand.

"Jeongguk, yes. You had to run off pretty quick, no? Didn't get a chance to rally."

Oh, but we did, Jeongguk thinks. Knows it's a good job he didn't stick around. Would have probably thrown a racquet at Seokjin's face. Accidentally.

"Mm," Jeongguk nods. Protectively grips the nape of your neck. "Had plans. Maybe next time."

Seokjin nods. "Maybe."

The tension between the men is getting thicker.

Soon, you won't be able to breathe.

So you smile towards your ex, and say, "Excuse us."

Which only serves to piss Jeongguk off. This is your shot. Your chance to show Seokjin how little you care - and instead, you want to run away. Un-fucking-believable.

Still he smiles at Seokjin, as if he knows something that he doesn't. Wants him questioning this interaction for weeks. Regretting. Lamenting.

"See you around," Jeongguk says pleasantly, as you lead him down the hallway, your pace getting angrier with each step. He rolls his eyes. Knows you're gonna wanna fight, and thinks fuck it. Will just let it happen this time. Can't be fucked with keeping the peace.

The janitor's closet you had visited with Danbi is down this hallway, and it's where you're headed. Want privacy. Need it.

Especially 'cause Jeongguk's spouting off like a facetious twat before you're even inside. "Worst fake girlfriend I've ever had."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to pretend to be your fucking girlfriend!" You hiss quietly once you're inside, as Jeongguk knocks across the latch on the door, as if anyone else would even think to be in a janitor's closet right now.

You only know the door passcode from when you had been setting up, and even that was a lucky guess. Had just tried the code that works for another door in the gallery when Danbi had dragged you here, too.

"Well, it's not that fucking hard!" He hisses back, trying the handle just to make sure it doesn't open.

"Apparently it is!" You reply childishly.

Turning to face you, Jeongguk is obscured by the lack of light coming in through the small window on the back wall. You can barely see one another, 'cause neither of you have flicked the light on - and quite frankly, you don't want to. It's easier to fight when you can't see how delicate he looks, or how handsome his jaw is when it flexes out of frustration.

"Oh fuck off," he laughs, but it isn't humorous. "Even the caricature artist in Busan had to ask if we were a couple. We are perfectly capable of looking like one."

"I'm sure she asks everyone that!"

"Oh, piss off-"

"Fine!" You say defiantly, barging past him. If he wants you to piss off, then you will. He's the one who got you into this mess. Frankly, you don't give a shit at this point - but the door won't budge. Lock won't move. You yank on the door, as if that will help.

For all of Jeongguk's internalised frustration, he smirks, now. Folds his arm. Perches his ass on the counter by the sink.

Trying to prize the latch open, you're stupidly worried about breaking a nail - but you refuse to ask for help. Look to the side for something you can use for leverage. Can only see mops. Half think about throwing one at Jeongguk.

He doesn't interrupt your struggle. Doesn't tell you that there's a second latch towards the top of the door.

"If you don't let me out, then God help me, Jeongguk, I will scream," you threaten. "I will scream so fucking loudly that everyone hears, and then I'll let you explain why you wouldn't let me out."

Jeongguk laughs. "Go on then."

But you don't. You won't. This is somewhere you hope to work, one day. You can't risk embarrassing yourself over something as pathetic as this.

If you do, then it means Seokjin has won.

Jeongguk is many things. He's frustrating, and confusing, and yet simple and straightforward. He's an oxymoron, and on occasion, just a moron. At the crux of his identity though, is a good human. There is one thing he is not, and that is cruel.

So he stands. Sighs. Walks towards you and leans up to the latch you've neglected to touch. Puts a hand on your waist to steady himself, not that he really needs to. Pulls the lock free. Doesn't let go of your waist, but he isn't keeping you trapped. You're free to fly.

And yet you stay put, breath hitched in your throat, time standing still for a moment.

"Go," Jeongguk says quietly, his raspy voice affecting you in ways that it shouldn't be right now.

But to go would be to give him what he wants - and you absolutely do not want to do that.

Most importantly, you don't want to leave. Would gladly fight with him right now, 'cause at least you're actually talking.

"You go," you reply childishly.

"Me?" He laughs. Comes a little closer. Practically whispers in your ear. "B, you're the one who wanted to go. So, go."

"Maybe I've changed my mind."

He scoffs. "Fine."

It's a childish back and forth. One of you needs to grow up, and take control of the situation - and as Jeongguk's hand grips your waist a little tighter and spins you round, it's evident who is taking that role.

There's a dominant assertion to the way he moves you. You've seen this side of him a few times, but it never fails to take your breath away.

Hands pinned above your head all rather suddenly, a single one of his palms can keep both of your wrists suspended. It's always driven you a little wild before - but he's pissing you off. Every little thing he does will annoy you, now. Even the sexy shit.

In fact, especially the sexy shit.

The hand of his that isn't clamped around your wrists comes to the base of your throat, and you can't help but gasp a little in surprise.

His voice is deep and low as he tells you to 'say chess.'

But you shake your head. Won't do a damn thing he tells you. "No."

He grips tighter. "Tell me to stop."

"No."

"Fine then," he husks. Presses his knee between your thighs. Spreads them. Drops the hand from your throat to your hips. Get you positioned just right. Pulls you further up his thigh. Encroaches on your personal space.

"Stop acting like you don't know how to fake things." His voice is dulcet. "Your ex should be pretty used to it."

"Hardly the same thing, is it?" You hiss back, but Jeongguk laughs, and presses a kiss to the side of your ear. Then the lobe. Then beneath your ear. Down your throat. Stops only once he reaches your collarbone. Raises his eyes. Looks directly at you.

"I'm gonna make you cum," he tells you with arrogant certainty. "For real. You're not gonna fake that. Gonna make you cum, and then you're gonna hold my hand in front of your ex-boyfriend and fake that like a good girl."

The energy he's radiating is electric; the right amount of jealousy and desire making you the only thing his brain can focus on for longer than a second at a time.

"Gguk-" you gasp as he pushes your hips down. The leverage is crappy, the angle not quite right, but the intention is there.

Jeongguk glances over his shoulder, to check he wasn't imagining the chair he swore he noticed earlier, and almost thanks the God he doesn't believe in when his eyes land on it.

He turns back to face you. Lets your hands drop from above your head. Cups your jaw. Brushes his lips against yours.

"You're gonna be a good girl for me, aren't you, B?" He says, pressing a delicate kiss to your lips. Doesn't it let it linger. You don't get a chance to kiss him back, for he's moving you both to the chair. He sits, legs parted, and gets you straddled across his thigh. You're right where he wants you. "You're gonna ride my thigh and cum like a good fuckin' girl."

The satin of your panties rubs against his slacks without him even trying.

Hands beneath your dress, he squeezes at the flesh of your ass, spreading you. Pulls you up his thigh. Lets you build a motion. Encourages it.

He doesn't complain when your hands tangle in his hair. It surprises you at first, just how short it is. You've never experienced it like this. It almost distracts you from what's actually happening.

But then one of his hands comes to toy with your chest as you continue to ride his thigh. The neckline makes it so fucking easy for him. He gets you exposed, but doesn't keep it that way for long. Latches onto your nipple as soon as he fucking can. Groans against you, and then the sensation of his vibrating tongue forces the wetness to seep from your cunt.

Your rhythm against his thigh is well-established, now. Both of his hands are free to tug down on the top of your dress.

It's a pretty dress. Gorgeous, in fact, and you look incredible in it - but all he wants to do is take it off. Wants you naked.

For now, he'll settle with your satin-covered cunt rubbing up against him, and your tits nice and exposed for him to toy with. He's using you for his own gratification, and you're doing just the same.

His tongue flicks against your nipples, hands squeezing your tits firmly together. He sucks. Squeezes. Grazes his teeth. Makes you feel so fucking good. Part of you thinks he'll get you cumming just from the contact of his lips with your hardened nipples - but the way his strong thigh is acting as the perfect ridge? Fuck .

"I'm close," you promise as the pleasure trickles through your bloodstream like warm honey. Sweet, and delicate, there's something about orgasms earned by Jeongguk that always makes you feel like you've ascended. Heaven really is a place on earth. Remarkably, it appears to be in a janitor's closet with all of your closest friends just down the hallway.

Jeongguk nods. Slowly pulls away from your nipples, the suction so pleasurable you can't help but whine. "I won't stop you."

He means it. Keeps your nipples wet with his spit, tongue lapping against them, as your hips buck against him. Your whines get a little deeper. Friction stronger. Breaths needier.

And then, as soon as your body begins to shudder that tell-tale way, he lets his tongue loose.

"That's it, beautiful," he husks. Looks at you with stark adorned eyes. "Come on me like the pretty slut you are. What would they think, huh? If everyone here knew what you were doing? Be louder, baby. Let them know. Let them know how much you like to cum for me."

You whimper his name as your grind begins to ease - but Jeongguk doesn't let it. Uses both of his hands. Grabs your ass. Is intentional with the way he bounces his thigh up against you, forcing the sensation to jolt through you once more. Elbows on his shoulders, head buried in the crook of his neck, you're whining as he overstimulates you.

"God, I'll cum again," you tell him, teeth grazing his neck. He kinda likes the pain. Likes that he'll be waking up with a hickie, no doubt.

"Good," he grits. Is rough with your body. Wants that second orgasm, and he wants it now.

"Gguk-" you whimper, but can't manage to say anything more, the wave of pleasure taking over you so much faster. Chest heaving, you're unable to do anything other than languidly grind until your body stops. Hearts beating in sync, Jeongguk is so overwhelmed by how good it is to feel you come undone for him, he almost doesn't notice the way you begin to palm his incredibly hard crotch.

"Shit," he hisses. This was supposed to be about you. He shouldn't be letting you do this - and yet he's reaching for his belt. Is frantic as he unbuckles. Opens up his pants. Takes over from you. Dips his hands into his underwear. Wraps his hand around his hard, leaky cock. Smears the precum from his tip all over his head. Wants it in your mouth - but has other, more pressing ideas. "Can you stand for me, baby?"

Barely. Shaky on your legs, you do your best. Let him guide you - thankfully, to the door. Back pressed against it, Jeongguk gets you to hold the skirt of your dress up. Pushes your panties down, but only just enough to expose a small amount of your cunt. They're still around the top of your thighs, slick with evidence of your orgasm.

Jeongguk lines himself up. Rests the head of his cock against the edge of your underwear. Tells you, "I'm gonna cum in them. Gonna cum in your panties, and then you're gonna wear them all fuckin' evening."

"Please," is all you pathetically whimper.

It doesn't take long for him to get there. He's been worked up all week. He wanks himself off for you. Whines. Whispers shit about how hot you are. How much he likes doing shit like this.

Jeongguk grips onto your arm as his climax hits. Body doubling, he has no choice but to let his forehead rest on your shoulder.

"I'm cumming. Fuck. Fuck," Jeongguk curses. Tilts his head. Presses a wet kiss to the base of your neck as his body jolts and the first rope of cum spurts into your underwear. "Fuck, baby."

"That's it," you encourage, obsessed with the way he's whimpering, body all weak and feeble as it shakes for you.

He groans now. Grips his cock even tighter. Milks himself for all he's worth. Fucking ruins your underwear. Lets the top of his cock rub up against your clit. Massages your slick and his cum together. "Fuck."

When he finally pulls away, he says nothing. Immediately pulls his pants up as if he can't believe what he's just done, then pulls your panties up, too. Hooks the sides over your hips, pulling the mess he's made tightly to your soaked cunt. Cups his hand over your heat. Presses. Rubs. Teases little circles over your clit. Presses down more firmly. Builds speed.

"Gguk," you whine, grabbing onto his shoulders.

"Again, baby," he says softly, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "Cum again for me."

"I can't," you whine, the overstimulation about to kick in - but he dismisses it. Knows that if you wanted him to stop, you'd say 'chess'.

"You can, baby," he promises. Uses the hand that isn't massaging your clit to angle your jaw. Doesn't even think as he steals a pretty little kiss from your lips. Doesn't realise it begins to send you over the edge. "You're gonna cum like you're mine."

And how can you do anything else but succumb to his demands?

Lips on his, brows furrowed together, he swallows all of your pretty little whines, as your body shudders for him. He keeps you steady. Keeps you supported. Keeps his tongue in your mouth, and his hand rubbing your panties. Doesn't ease up until you pull away from his lips.

"Gguk," you pant. "Please."

Nodding, he eases slowly. Doesn't wanna let go too quickly. Keeps kissing you. Won't stop that. Never wants to stop that. Is still annoyed with you, yes, but knows he has a duty of care, now. Also knows he'd never forgive himself if he didn't take every chance he gets to kiss you.

When he finally pulls away, forehead resting against yours, he's spent. You're both panting, both struggling to formulate any words in the wake of such a devastating orgasm.

Brushing a few strands of hair back from your face, Jeongguk closes his eyes. Nudges his nose against yours. Shows a little restraint. Whispers, "You've got a show to return to."

Nodding, you shake a little from his grip. Say nothing as you adjust your dress. Try your best to ignore the thick pool of his cum that's gathered in your panties. The tops of your thighs will end up smeared in the evidence of him, and, quite disgustingly, it only serves to make you even more turned on.

"I'll follow behind you," he promises as he begins to sort himself out, too.

Nodding, you're a little unsure of exactly what to do. You're scared that someone will know. That you'll leak.

"I'm scared," you admit. Explain your worry. He rolls his eyes, but smiles as he does, so.

He tugs on your hands, and props you up against the counter towards the back of the small room. Spreads your legs. Assesses fuckin' nothing, 'cause it's so dark in the room - but knows your pussy almost as well as he knows his own name. Licks to the left of your lips. To the right. Ends in one thick stripe up the centre. Sucks ever so gently once he reaches your clit. Knows that your cunt - your leaky, needy, hole that he loves to stretch out so much - must be going insane from the lack of attention it's getting.

"You'll be okay," he assures you. Stands, and gives your pussy a playful spank. "C'mon. You've got horny old dudes to schmooze."

"Is that gonna get you off?" you tease slightly, your annoyance with him a little subdued.

"Maybe," he shrugs, already knowing it mostly likely will. "You're gonna walk around that gallery covered in my cum, and no one else but us is gonna know it," he smirks, the gravity of what he's just done finally kicking in. Cups your jaw. Presses a kiss to your lips. Husks, "You're gonna go out there and act like you're mine - 'cause right now, you are."

You don't argue against it.

The pair of you meander down the corridor in near silence. His hand is on your back, but your arms are tentatively folded across your chest. Each step is accompanied by your keen ears checking for audible evidence of your sin.

So caught up in your own worries, you don't notice how quiet the gallery itself is. How few people seem to be milling about. How the main lights are on now, and how it only seems to be those wearing 'staff' lanyards within the main space.

Pursing his lips as he realises, Jeongguk tries not to laugh.

"Oh, shit," you whisper, pulling on his wrist so you can check the time on his watch. 10:13. The show was scheduled to finish at 10, but you're sure most people will have filtered out before then. Have no idea what the time was when Jeongguk had dragged you away from the main room.

"S'fine," he mumbles. Grips a little tighter on your waist. Doesn't let you pull away, like he fears you will now that appearances don't need to be kept up.

You don't. Instead, your arms drop from their position over your chest, and reach for his hand, guiding him the direction of the (now unmanned) cloak room.

There's little chatter as you grab your coats - the only ones left there.

"Need to show you something," you mumble, digging into your pockets, and pulling out half a dozen empty tubes.

Jeongguk looks at you with a sense of frayed confusion - but if he were to thread the strings together, he'd see the bigger picture.

Dusted in fine glitter of different colours, the tubes don't seem out of the ordinary for you. Is totally the kind of thing he'd expect to see in your pockets.

Quietly, you grit your teeth together. Suck in a little air. Are embarrassed to admit what you've done.

But the person in front of you is your best friend. Even with judgement will come acceptance. There always is. Honesty is the least you owe him.

"I know I'm not wearing any glitter," you start slowly. Hold the empty tubes up, then toss them into the bin beside the concierge table. Knock your head to the side and encourage him to start walking with you. He does.

He also reaches into his own pocket, and pulls out his car keys. Passes them over to you. "Might be above the limit. Can you drive?"

Glancing over to him, shocked by the request, you double check. "Are you sure?"

He nods. "You can crash at mine. It's fine."

Despite it all, there's still no one else he wants to end the night with. No girl he'd rather take home. Platonic or romantic.

"Sleep, I mean," he adds. "Not physically crash the car. Please don't crash my car."

You just smile. Nod. After the hideousness of the week spent barely talking to him, there's nothing you want more than to just feel like things are still normal.

"So the tubes?" he asks as you reach the car. He lets you unlock it, but adjusts the seat for you before letting you get in. Also puts his jacket down on the cushion, just in case your underwear gives up on protecting your decency.

"Thanks," you say, stroking the side of his waist tenderly as he makes way for you and waits for him to get in before you start the car up. You get onto the main road, and make sure you've got your bearings before finally explaining yourself. "It was plausible deniability. The lack of glitter, I mean. Was deliberate."

"What do you mean?" He asks, reaching for the gearstick. Doesn't care if your hand is on it. Wants to hold it. You ignore his actions. Just let him intertwine his fingers with yours.

"I mean, the less glitter on me, the less credibility Jin would have when it comes to arguing that I'm the person who's emptied half a dozen tubes of glitter into his incredibly expensive formal winter coat."

Jeongguk says nothing for a moment. Plays out the idea of you stealthily depositing millions of glitter specks into a jacket that costs more than his yearly rent. Is slow to ask, "...which pockets?"

And you're slow to reply, "... All the ones I could find. Outside, inside. Secret pocket in the lining."

And then Jeongguk is laughing. Really fucking laughing. Looks over to you, and your bunched up little face, and is overcome a sense of pride he usually only feels for these gallery shows, or when a bird of yours is completed. The kinda pride that is reserved for you, and for your accomplishments.

"Shut up," you giggle now, too. "I know it's childish but-"

"No," he shakes his head. Can't stop smiling. "It's brilliant. Dunno if you've heard, but apparently glitter is a bitch to get out."

"Yeah," you grin. "I've been told that a few times."

And suddenly the events of the evening seem to feel less burdensome. Warmer. More pleasant.

You don't bother with small talk, and nor does he. Are just happy to exist together, and this state of ease lasts right up until you're in his apartment, shoes off, standing a little awkwardly in his living room.

Jimin is out. Everyone is. There are a million messages in your group chat asking where you are. You'll just reply in the morning. Too busy, now.

"I need to shower," you say, a little timid.

Jeongguk nods. "Same."

"Join me?"

To your surprise, he hesitates.

"You're the reason I need one in the first place," you remind him. "Please."

He looks down. Shakes his head. "I don't trust us."

"Nor do I," you tell him. "But this whole thing has been hell on earth, Gguk. I've hated it."

"Me too."

"I don't think..." you sigh. Don't want to share your conclusion, but know you need to. "I don't think careless fucking around is worth it. It's definitely not worth losing you."

"So what are you saying?"

Gesturing towards yourself, you grimace a little. "I'm saying we sort out the current... mess. Get showered. Whatever. Head to the pharmacy in the morning for the emergency pill, just in case - and then a few days from now, I'll take an actual test. Just wanna make sure my system is settled, first. And then, providing it all goes well, we sort ourselves out. Stop fucking around."

Jeongguk says nothing. Just sort of looks at you as if you've just hung up a new star in the sky, or something absurd like that. Nods. "Alright."

You're well aware that you shouldn't look at Jeongguk in the way that you do; that you shouldn't stand in his living room, and let the dress that you've been hoping would keep him focused on you all night drop to the floor.

He's well aware that he shouldn't look at you in the way that he does; like you're some kind of star to wish upon.

And yet you both do. He wishes. You grant his wishes.

There's a mess to clean up in the morning. Jeongguk can't shake the look on the faces of his friends from his mind. Knows that you need to cover your tracks.

But for now, he doesn't care.

Your dress is on the floor, and his heart is yours.

Though he'll always define you as his best friend, he knows that the way he wants you goes beyond the scope of that. Knows that there's no going back.

"Byeol," he whispers.

"Koo," you whisper right back.

He smiles. Shakes his head. "I love it when you call me that."

You nod. smile, too. "I love the way you smile when I call you that."

He's right not to trust the pair of you together. Right to assume that a shower is a bad decision. Right to think that the second he has you naked, he won't care about the consequences.

Quite frankly, he couldn't give a fuck. Skin on skin, he indulges in you. The way you feel, the way you sound. Pretends like it's normal, holding your waist as he peppers kisses up your neck. Tells himself it's not unusual for friends to let their hands roam. It's all about trust. Mutual adoration. Desire. Want. Careful carelessness.

You don't kiss him, at least. Not in the shower.

No, you don't kiss him... until you're in his sheets.

Neither of you got dressed after the shower. Went to bed naked with the promise of sleep - and yet somehow you're straddled across his lap at two in the morning, hips slowly grinding to get the feeling of fullness you love so much from Jeongguk.

"After this-" you husk into his lips, but he breaks your sentence with yet another kiss. You don't mind. "After this, we've gotta start taking shit carefully."

He nods. "Mhmm. Whatever you say."

"Gguk-"

"Byeol, please," he smiles. "I'm literally inside you. Can you at least wait until we're done to give me ultimatums?"

Laughing, you cup his jaw. Kiss him again, just because you want to. Because you can. "Yeah. My bad."

Sitting back up, Jeongguk watches on in a state of adoration as your body moves for him. So often the one to take the lead, he's letting you have control, now. Letting you ride him. Letting himself succumb to everything you are.

"Shit," he whines, back arching, head pressing into his pillows. Fingers gripping your hips, he thrashes his own upwards. Thrusts up into you like a man possessed. Gets your body all weak and feeble from the overwhelming pleasure he's delivering - and when your hand dips to toy with your clit? Oh, it doubles. Trebles.

"You're so fucking hot," he tells you. "Yeah. Play with yourself for me. That's it, baby."

Panting, you tap on his chest with your spare hand. "Hips. Slow."

He does what he's told even if he absolutely doesn't want to. Let you bounce slowly. Reaches up to hold one of your tits as you do so. Wants them in his mouth. Finds himself grinning when he thinks of how much he's changed since you first started fucking around together.

"God, I fuckin' love this," he whines a little mindlessly. Doesn't bother clarifying what 'this' is.

The hand of yours that's wrapped around his wrist begins to tighten. Nails dig in. Tiny pretty whines of satisfaction escape your lips. Eyes close. Speed of the hand rubbing circles on your clit increases. Sitting on his cock, he's keeping you stretched. Full. Lets you do whatever the fuck you like, 'cause he knows you're working your way up. Loves to watch it more than anything. Gets himself off sometimes thinking about it.

Leaning forward a little, you reach for his phone. Slide it open to his camera.

He narrows his eyes. "Whatcha doing there?"

Whiney as you manage to speak, Jeongguk thinks you must be a direct descendant of Aphrodite. "Giving you permission," you hum, passing his phone back to him, already recording.

He looks to the screen, a little red button in the middle and a time running through on the top. Raises his brow. "Sure?"

You're putting on a show for him, yes, but none of it is faked. This is as real as it gets.

"Oh, fuck yeah," he husks as he can feel your walls tighten. "Like that. Like that. Fuck ." Pulses his hips ever so slightly. Sneaks his hand to join yours. Takes over. "Cum all over my cock, baby. Yeah. Yeah, that's it, babe."

"Gguk, I'm so close."

"I know," he coos. "Let yourself. I'm here."

"You're so big," you tell him, just so he has evidence of it. Know it will do his ego wonders. "Makes me feel so good."

"Show me how good it feels. Cum for me. Please. I need this. Need you ."

And when you finally do?

Oh, it's glorious.

"There she is," Jeongguk praises. Doesn't bother to stop recording. Tosses his phone to the side. Pulls you in for a million kisses. "God, you're so pretty when you cum. So fuckin' pretty."

His hips continue to gently rock, his orgasm far less violent than yours. You only really know it's happening cause he grunts. Gets a little breathless. Hugs around your back as his legs begin to shake, and eventually he manages to shakily whisper, "it's yours. All yours."

You just assume he means his cock, or cum, or something vulgar like that - and while it would be correct, it's not what he means. Not at all.

He holds you as you sleep that night. Has no interest in pretending like he wants to be less than what you are right now.

But come the morning, you're cracking jokes together like you've never nearly made declarations you'd never be able to take back. Hang out, as if he wouldn't rather eat you out. Make a to-do list. Laugh, as it's titled 'Fixing the Star-Fuckers Fuck-Up'.

You make a trip out of the list. Go to a pharmacy a few towns over. Grab a drive-thru Maccies breakfast. Get absolutely slated when you order a Shanghai Snack Wrap instead of a classic egg McMuffin.

"Can't believe we're friends," Jeongguk says, disgusted by the fact you're choosing to have something from the all-day menu. "Can't believe we fuck ."

"Fucked," you remind him, and remember that you've a pill you need to take. Pop it out of the foil, and swallow it down with a chug of Jeongguk's drink. "Past tense."

"Yeah, sorry," Jeongguk grins. It's easier to pretend like the idea of not fucking doesn't phase him. "My bad."

His pretty grin swiftly disappears three days later as he paces around your apartment living room, waiting on the result from a little pink stick that's sitting on top of your toilet. You're in the living room, too. Don't wanna check it. Nor does he.

So you play rock paper scissors.

Jeongguk loses.

And as you nervously await your fate, all you hear from your bathroom is a single word.

"Fuck."

[deadqueernoldor]

End of Year Fic Recs!

I got tagged by @camille-lachenille for this, and boy I havent had time to read fic in a hot minute but this was literally the perfect opportunity to go through my ao3 and tumblr bookmarks again! Also I feel really bad that I couldnt get 5 for the first 3 categories, so pls dont take it personal if I forgot. My tagging system is a mess and idk if it works but if you want more tumblr writing recs go into the "writing that has me foaming out the mouth like a rabid dog" tag I have at the top of my account.! There's so many good drabbles and ficlets i couldnt possibly name them all! Also i likely could have tagged other author's tumblr accs but i didn't feel like looking bc I'm exhausted. I love these all sm

Also I cheated with the self rec bc one is from 2022 but I didnt want to rec only my OC lol

Recommend up to 5 series or multi-chapter fics from 2023 that everyone should read (multi-year WIPs count, if the last update was in 2023).

Beneath a Boundless Sky by @runawaymun — ongoing — Rating (M)

Summary: Elrond’s two new wards both struggle to feel at home in Rivendell. The wounds from their slavery in King Frumgar’s court are still fresh, and the scars are deep -- and they’re not the only ones. Maglor is home at last, but each day he lives he is haunted by guilt and grief. Elrond is nothing if not patient, and he is certain that given enough time in Rivendell, all three will heal.

I am always frothing at the mouth at OCs and world building and this work *and the prev work/part 1 of the series* is SO good

dare you see a soul at the white heat? by millyfaraway — ongoing — Rating (M)

Summary: Lómion is reembodied, but struggles to cope. His uncles try to help.

BABY BOY GETS FAMILY THERAPY ABBY BOY SLOWLY GETS CONFIDENCE AND PUPPY LOVE SOBBIG ITS WHAT HE DESERVES anyway go read

The Last Heir of Fëanor - Part Two by Astrance — 87k — Rating (T)

Summary: This is the second part of the tale of the surviving child of Celebrimbor of Eregion and how she fared through the Ages of the world. From the Fall of Ost-in-Edhil to Imladris and the vastness of Second Age Eriador, the fight against Sauron seems never ending. Plans have been set in motion across the Misty Mountains, but, in Lindon, many tasks await.

Have I mentioned how much I love OCs? This is literally one of the best OCs I've read, flaws and all, and the way the whole thing is written is chefs kiss. Cant decide if I'm sweating from the amount of sobbing I've done with this work *and the previous/first part* or because of the delicious angst.

and rain will make the flowers grow by @swanmaids — 800 — Rating (G)

Summary: Glorfindel and Idril; on the Helcaraxë, in Nevrast, in Gondolin.

THEM. THEM. THEM. That's all I have to say. bUT THEM!

Recommend up to 5 single chapter fics/one-shots (long or short) from 2023 that everyone should read.

your veins are empty of dust by @echo-bleu — 1.7k — Rating (G)

Summary: Anairë finds her late one day in her workshop, surrounded by slabs of stone larger than her. Nerdanel is hammering forcefully at one of them, the barest hints of an elven shape already taking form in the marble. Bitter, stinging tears run down her cheeks and into her collar, and her arms ache with exhaustion.

The body is only barely sketched, but the face is already chiselled, smooth curves and angular cheekbones.

Fëanáro emerges out of the marble, looking like he’s about to take life.

(Across the sea, her sons lead a funeral.)

Frothing. Gnawing. I love the writing. The angst. Fucking mourning. Gimme all and then hurt me some more.

Babysitting #01 by @lordgrimwing — more chaps likely, atm oneshot

Excerpt: "She brought her children."

"Who did?”

"That Elwing woman, the pro bono case Celegorm talked me into."

Modern!scenario fix with Exhausted!lawyer!maedhros. He's tired and that's very sexy of him. Maglor is secy. They all are. Idiots. But very sexy. Elrond and Elros best boys. No argument.

Dreams of Doom by @camille-lachenille — 3.8k — Rating (M)

Summary: “She runs in the dark, alone. Where her feet carry her, she knows not, and her heart is heavy with dread. Someone - something - is watching her.”

Niënor from the moment she arrives in Brethil to her death.

THE ANGST THE LOVE THE TENDERNES THE FORESHADOWING I AM BITING THIS BC I CANT FIND GLASS TO CHEW.

Recommend up to 5 fics NOT from 2023 that everyone should read (oldies but goodies.)

Those Peaceful Hours by SpaceWall — 3.9k — Rating (T)

Summary: At the end of the Third Age, faced with her impending return to the home she left before the sun, Galadriel seeks out the one person who will understand her fears and grief.

It's so well written and the premise as a whole is so great!. Compelling and Galadriel characterisation is just so very sexy to me.

Their oath will drive them, and yet betray them by musing_and_writing — 2.2k — Rating (G)

Summary: Elrond had hours to spare, and if Maglor wished to spend the short time they had together reminiscing, he would not blame him for it. As Maglor began singing, Elrond settled himself across the clearing in his own bed of autumn flowers. Maglor’s voice resounded in the clearing, clear and powerful, just as it had upon his fortress’s ramparts as he pushed back Morgoth’s forces with a Song, just as Elrond assumed it must have echoed before the poisoning of the Trees in his family’s halls as Feanor crafted his cursed jewels.

Hehehehehe cryptid mf with a heart I love it the angst the tenderness it's just so *holds gently* while also *bodychecks maglor*

Double The Baggins, Twice The Took by fogisbeautiful — 138.5k — Rating (T)

Summary: The Baggins twins, Briallen and Bilbo, have spent their whole lives taking care of each other. So when the world outside makes an (uninvited) appearance, only one thing is certain. Not for wizard or king or mountain or dragon will the two of them part. Not if they have one word to say about it.

And besides, as Gandalf points out: It never hurts to have a spare burglar on hand.

I'm a sucker for Thorin x hobbit, and you give me a fic with bilbo's sister who's so lovely characterized? I'll kiss you sloppy style

The One With All The Birds by clothonono — 46.5k — Rating (G)

Summary: Would it never end? Would there always be one more mother standing on the shore, looking out to sea, full of a grief made more terrible by hope?

Elwing and Nerdanel in Valinor in the Fourth Age; a story about children coming home.

I think swanmaids recc'd this to me once upon the time when it hadn't been finished and I want to kiss their forehead for it. It's so good! Go read bc I lick my screen every time I re-read it.

Recommend up to 5 of your own fics (completed or WIP) from 2023 that everyone should read.

Bitter end — 6.4k — Rating (T)

Summary: Maglor has one brother left.

Both have one more fight in them.

The ghost you dress up as (knows how to haunt) — ongoing — Rating (M)

Summary: Maedhros was not the first Finwëan to be captured and taken to Angband, nor did he remain there the longest. Ranyatinwë, twin of Caranthir, was the first.

She escapes.

(Series) Old Maggie Took — 7 works — 402k — all Rating (G)

Summary: The headcanon about Maglor, second son of Fëanor, lives hidden in the Shire? Yes.

[1kook]

A COLLECTION  [ updated: 8 . 23 . 21 ]

— STATUS ONGOING — NO REPOSTS — ASKS under #ncouple ! — Copyright © 2021, 1kook on tumblr

—NETFLIX & CHILL.

summary If you planned things right, you could rain down your raging displeasure on Jeon Jungkook right after the meal but before this proposed ‘Netflix and chilling,’ maybe dramatically throw your glass of wine at him, before storming out of his place and reporting him to the authorities (Namjoon) for his douchebag personality.  warnings smut in the forms of grinding, oral (f), cum eating, vanilla unprotected sex, dirty talk misc use of the oldest trick in the book (“your hands are sooo big”), shy oblivious AND gentleman jk? pick a struggle, brief ment of app developer kook, evil and conniving oc  word count 10.2k  posted june 12, 2020

—HULU & WOOHOO.

summary But there’s more important matters to attend to than Jungkook’s Jersey Shore boner. warnings slight feelings of insecurity, smut in the forms of fingering, cunnilingus, cum eating, squirting, hand jobs, unprotected sex, riding, slight praise kink  misc if you’re not a Jersey shore fan honestly GET OUT, mentions of capitalism😡, more kind/understanding kook, basically a “what are we?” fic but silly, irresponsible emailing habits, its so dumb just read word count 6.3k posted july 4, 2020

—IMAX & CLIMAX.

summary The occasional dark horse candidate among Barbie movie binges— Jungkook gets weirdly horny and fucks you to the tune of a classic Barbie movie soundtrack. warnings smut in the form of blowjobs, tit play, praise kink, standing sex, unprotected sex, reverse cowgirl (? kinda), daddy kink that morphs into ily kink misc  jk is an avid history channel viewer, jk hates Barbie movies ik we took an L today girls 😔, jk goes thru like 4 personality changes (commanding > soft > mean > in love), honestly idk what to tag it’s a mess, he’s still cheesy and romantic but also 👀 just read word count 9.8k posted august 5, 2020

—KISSANIME & FOREPLAY.

summary You get a glimpse of the KissAnime screen for a good two seconds before about seven ads pop up. Another tab to a raunchy hentai website opens, and Jungkook groans. warnings mentions of hentai, smut in the forms of cunnilingus, masturbation (f), oral (f), use of a sex toy, fingering, nipple play, face sitting/fucking/riding idk (f), praise kink, hints of dumbification, cum eating, jk is like passive aggressive in this one, 4 (f) orgasms, this is the kicker: sub kook at the end😳, like 2 sec of dom yn lol, & u get 0.002 sec of adams apple kink misc more dumb story lines, made up sex stores bc my creativity knows no bounds, Jungkook plays nice but is actually mean for the majority of it, once again doyeon plays a pivotal role in the furthering of women empowerment, internal love monologues about jk best boy<3 word count 8.2k posted september 1, 2020

—DISNEY+ & BUST.

summary There’s a pounding on your door a little past noon, so hard and rough, that you almost think it’s the police finally coming to catch you for all your years of illegally pirating Phineas and Ferb. It’s not. It’s just a really drunk boyfriend wailing for your forgiveness at the door.   warnings arguments, feelings of insecurity, bit of asshole jk, smut in the forms of humiliation, dumbification, choking, fingering, spit kink, self punishment (? idk lol), unprotected but [ passionate ] sex, jk losing his cool, the return of mean jk, desperate jk, he is actually an emotional mess in this one wtf misc angst, anniversaries, the L word😳, app developer kook, rip ‘pretty girl’ </3, we all become phineas and ferb stans word count 13k posted september 9, 2020

—ESPN & BDSM.

summary You would like to personally thank every loud-mouthed, ESPN commentator out there for saving you from Jungkook’s dangerous seduction skills.   warnings smut in the forms of brief femdom, handcuffs, nipple clamps, blindfolding, flogging/use of a riding crop, soft dom kook, cunnilingus, spitting, unprotected but passionate, degradation, as always it starts horny n then turns into I love u kink misc kook has a swollen ankle so idk how he did all this, jk abuses the fuck outta pet names part 7, revenge gone wrong tbh, this was honestly a beginner’s intro to vanilla bdsm word count 12.7k posted september 14, 2020

—YOUTUBE & USE LUBE.

summary You can’t believe this is Jungkook’s preferred sick day treatment; YouTube, cuddles, and an ugly amount of lube. warnings smut in the forms of nipple play, handjobs, spit kink, face riding, unprotected, flavored warming lube, riding, praise kink, soft femdom, missionary bc his eyes are pretty, tit sucking, tit fucking, more jk has an impreg kink, oh and this is all subby kook misc domesticity baby!! fluff, soft scenes /.\, jk is sick:((, doyeon is A Doctor, yn sees an opportunity and she grabs it, surprise ending <3 word count 8.7k   posted september 30, 2020

—VIKI & HICKEYS.

summary Just like in those Viki dramas Jungkook likes, the world around you is enveloped in shades of pink and red, kisses and hearts, so many goddamn roses it makes you sneeze. It’s absolutely perfect— nothing could possibly go wrong when there’s so much love in the air.   warnings a little hurt + a lot of comfort, mentions of cheating!villain!jin, insecure!kook, emotional breakdowns, mentions of jk’s lonely past, jk cries :( smut in the forms of making out, eating out, fingering, clit play, hickeys, jk likes cum, double orgasm, squirting, tiny praise kink, blindfolding, rough + unprotected sex, doggy style, choking!!!, breeding/impreg kink, JEALOUS KOOK, mini hand kink, a lil bit of spanking, degradation, he gets progressively meaner lol oc cries, jk is a good boy n I want him to be happy   misc there’s a lot of fuckin plot omfg -_-, it’s Valentine’s Eve!, doyeon makes Some Points, mentions of park seojoon juicy ass, they go on a d8 😳, oc like rlly wants to marry him, oc commits double phone homicide word count 16.3k posted january 14, 2021

—PEACOCK & SWEET TALK.

summary “I wanna watch Solange in Bring It On,” Jungkook smiles, and you have to wonder who exactly this blond man is and what he did with your teen-movie-hating boyfriend.   warnings smut in the forms of kissing, cunnilingus (eating out + fingering), light praise, a lil body worship, jk fat cawk, brief nipple play, playful jk, unprotected sex, riding and missionary, the jk hand kink, I love you kink, jk wants nudes, jk’s cheerleader fantasies mentioned, spit kink, light choking, jk has like a scent kink (?), mention of collars and pet play misc app developer jk becomes even MORE app developer-y, oc is anti-google, there's plot, a 2 year anniversary, Solange knowles appreciation, BLOND JK!!!, gets sappy for a sec, seahorse marriage mention, doyeon x joon side pairing, jk is disgustingly dreamy and oc is threatened by that fact word count 10.7k posted march 23, 2021

— CRUNCHYROLL & RAIL.

summary Never mind the fact you really like Sailor Moon, or that you really want to pay attention to every little detail; the moment becomes Jungkook and his big smile and his red cheeks and the tiny box he produces from within his pocket. warnings smut in the forms of making out, jk nipple play, some 69 action, cunnilingus, blowjobs, brief choking, jk trying his best to listen to oc but he doesn’t rlly :/, fingering, missionary bc his eyes are pretty, unprotected fuckin raw, its romantic but when is it not… misc fluffy and domestic <3, weekend getaway <3, the Big Question, shy jk, sailor moon supremacy, jk makes this big elaborate speech about the sun and moon, mentions of 240p YouTube quality word count 8.7k posted may 21, 2021

—FUNIMATION & PROCREATION.

summary Never mind your upcoming wedding, this was perhaps the greatest moment of your life— the day Jungkook sought out an anime on his own. warnings kissing, smut in the forms of cunnilingus, cum eating, mentions of anal, doggy style, unprotected sex with the intention of pregnancy, spitting, hand holding<3 misc the wedding night, Doyeon strikes again, jjk watches  jjk, oh no not twins word count 9.1k posted july 31, 2021

—BOOMERANG AND BANG. 

coming soon

—COOKIES & CREAM.

summary Jungkook will watch a thousand cheesy Christmas movies if it meant making you happy. (And maybe having his dick sucked.) warnings smut in the form of blowjobs, face fucking, cum facials, fingering, overstim, double orgasm, r*mantic sex, riding, unprotected, cream pies, jk does this weird thing where he licks her face yeah idk, jk loves seeing his gf cry, jk has an obsession with jizz   misc jk pov !!, eggnog slander, jk hates xmas movies, oc dresses like a sexy mrs claus, Elf !!, jk is in loooove word count 7.1k posted december 23, 2020

— TUTUS & TIARAS.

summary your first pregnancy through the lens of your husband warnings smut in the forms of penetrative sex, sex while pregnant, unprotected sex, tit play, cunnilingus, mutual masturbation, sticking the tip in and jacking off/cockwarming?, creampies, nose kink (? like she grinds against his nose), infatuation with scent, frottage/grinding, lactation kink, titluvr jk [bass boosted] misc married ncouple <3, domesticity, jk pov, mood swings, pregnancy, GIRLDAD!JK, DILF!JK, pregnant!reader, jk’s kids are virgos its true  word count 10k posted august 23, 2021

— one.

summary Maybe Jungkook wasn’t always as cool and composed as you initially believed. But that’s okay, because you love him all the same.  word count 1.3k posted September 10, 2020

—two.

summary Even after all these years, all these doubts, and all this solitude that was really no one’s fault but his own, he still finds himself hoping that maybe you’ll be the one. word count 1k posted september 11, 2020

—three.

summary But Jungkook loves the sun. word count 1.5k posted september 12th, 2020

—four.

summary For the last ten minutes or so his mind has been bothered by one thing and one thing only— the hair that hung in his face. word count 800 words posted september 22, 2020

—five.

summary Startled and inexperienced, he can’t do anything but rub his hands over your back. “It’s fine, it’s fine,” he murmurs, even though it’s not. word count 1.3k posted september 22, 2020

—six.

SUMMARY Jungkook enjoyed pushing you down, indulging you in all your little fantasies, but he too had some he wanted to live out. WC 1.8k POSTED september 25, 2020

—seven.

summary And lastly, Jungkook will bring it full circle by indulging you two in some good old fashion spooky sex where he nuts inside you because the only thing scarier than a scary movie is a pregnancy scare. It’s a perfect plan. word count 2k posted october 30, 2020

—eight.

summary You always do this— always ask for more. You take and you take until there’s nothing left for Jungkook to give. But Jungkook is the same.   word count 1.9k posted december 28, 2020

—nine.

summary “I think that, like— me and you? We’re like, totally destined,” you ramble, “you should, like, take my number! And maybe we can, like— Netflix and chill one of these days?” word count 2.2k posted january 8 2021

—ten.

summary See, there’s no one in this world who ignores his house rules more than you. Even worse, there’s no one on this planet who can make Jungkook ignore his own rules like you do. word count 1.4k posted february 14, 2021

—eleven.

summary You’re too bright, too… there. His shell is too small. word count 1.2k posted may 3, 2021

—twelve.

summary Anyway, if it was up to Jungkook, Kim Doyeon would not be a member of the Engagement Ring Committee. word count 1.4k posted may 8th, 2021

—thirteen.

summary Because for as much shit as you let him get away with, Jungkook is certain you’ll draw the line today.   word count 1k posted june 13, 2021

—fourteen.

summary Jungkook needs you to know that you can always count on him. word count 1.3k posted july 6, 2021

—fifteen.

summary It’s Jungkook’s teenage fantasy— being pushed down by a cheerleader. word count 3.1k posted august 9, 2021

— sixteen.

summary Your skin is warm and smells like sunshine. Jungkook can’t really explain it. (And also like the sunscreen you had doused him in earlier, but that isn’t as romantic.) word count 1.9K posted august 11, 2021

—seventeen.

summary She looks his way and suddenly Jungkook is nineteen again, in his dorm, listening to the first person he ever thought he loved telling him he’s too much to handle. word count 1.6k posted august 18, 2021

beautiful banners made for series!

cute and cozy gif by the lovely @ladyartemesia​ 

LASTLY: 

[ectonurites]

Genuinely why are people being so biphobic in your inbox. I don't know anything about comics but attacking you for seeing yourself or your experience as a bi person in a character and saying they don't count as rep bc they're in a m/f relationship is??? Backwards?? It's obvious biphobia. I agree that sometimes companies are more willing to put bi characters in stuff vs gay characters because then they can "appear" straight, but the key word in that is APPEAR. And attacking bisexuals for liking the rep they get isn't going to solve the actual problem—that companies like to appear progressive while also seeming like they're not to people who aren't "in the know" so that they can also sell to conservatives. Like the technic companies use is to say a character is lgbt+ and then never show it, but this isn't exclusive to bi people. Companies like Disney will confirm it in promotion but never do anything more than a wink and a nod to it—and this includes gay characters. The problem isn't bi people or characters, it's rainbow capitalism. Its just that bi characters get subjected to this more bc their queerness has more opportunities to be invisible. And honestly, if the character is having a whole coming out arc, it doesn't seem like they're just sweeping it under the rug. Though again, I don't read comics so idk on that.

VERY good points on the rainbow capitalism stuff, thank you!!

While I know a lot of comics people follow me, a decent amount of people following me do not know about comics so to explain the basics of the situation at DC with Tim Drake right now:

Between June and August this year Tim had a three part story (one part per month, in Batman: Urban Legends #4-6) about how he suddenly broke up with his girlfriend Stephanie Brown (who has been an on/off love interest for him since the 90s, they'd most recently been together since 2016) off-panel because of some inner conflict he'd been feeling but wasn't sure how to deal with, and then reunited with his old friend Bernard Dowd (who hadn't appeared since around 2005, and had been a minor character to begin with). Bernard got kidnapped while the two of them were having dinner out at a restaurant, and ultimately when Tim later goes to rescue Bernard while in his hero identity as Robin, Bernard tells Robin (presumably unaware that Robin is Tim) to tell his friend Tim Drake that he'd helped him figure out who he was and that he wishes they could have finished their date. What Bernard says sparks what Tim calls in his narration a 'lightbulb moment' where he begins to realize that he has romantic feelings for his friend, and that this revelation is the thing that had been feeling out of reach within himself/causing that inner conflict. At the end of the last issue (released almost exactly two months ago on August 10th) Tim goes to Bernard's house and explains that he's not exactly sure what everything means yet, but Bernard asks him on a real date and he says he thinks he wants that. The comic ends by saying that the story will be continued in a comic that comes out this December (Batman: Urban Legends #10)

Queue the internet going nuts over this because, well. Tim is a Robin, (the Robin that had a popular monthly ongoing comic from 1993-2009) and that's a pretty significant thing. Tim is also a character that fans have been reading as being attracted to men for a very long time. Media outlets begin to say that he has come out as bisexual, despite the actual comic not putting a label on him. The writer of the story, Meghan Fitzmartin, specifies in an interview that at this point he hasn't picked a label yet. Her specific words are:

“I wanted to pay tribute to the fact that sexuality is a journey,” Fitzmartin told Polygon. “To be clear, his feelings for Stephanie have been/are 100% real, as are his feelings for Bernard. However, Tim is still figuring himself out. I don’t think he has the language for it all... yet.” (link)

Some people prefer to see Tim as bisexual or pansexual, some see him as gay, and some are content with him staying unlabelled. We know that there is still more to the story coming down the line (in December) so we're in this awkward in-between spot where everything is just a lot of speculation. Which means of course there's a certain amount of people getting mad at others over their headcanons/what they want the outcome to be.

I personally would like to see him be revealed as bi, because I am a bi person and it's the headcanon that I think suits him best based on how i've read and related to his character. I've thought of him this way since long before him becoming canonically lgbt in any way was a thing. I'd also be perfectly fine with things if he got confirmed as something else though! Bi is just my personal preference. Obviously that simple fact pissed some random anon off, and that spurred... all the shit i've been answering today about this.

The conversations about 'm/f pairings as bi representation' that started out of it is just especially out of nowhere imo because Tim is not even in an m/f relationship at this moment. Like, yeah he has only dated girls up until this point, but that's because him realizing he's attracted to boys (whether exclusively or in addition to girls has, again, not yet been made clear at this time) is a brand new development from two months ago. Most comic series come out monthly, these things... move pretty slowly! Especially because he is not the main leading character in an ongoing monthly book right now, his stories on this subject are all part of an anthology book that rotates what stories are in the issues.

This all got very wordy, but yeah it's just insane how mad and petty people are getting (and to me, specifically, for some reason) over all of this when we are in an in-between state right now where the only thing we know for sure is that Tim's not straight and we're getting more content about this two months from now. Everything else on the subject is people getting mad over nothing (me wanting to see Tim as bi does not harm anyone who wants to see him a different way!) or just like, ignoring the actual way comic books work as a medium.

[shijiujun]

hey so uh, it's 110% Not Your Job, but can i ask for like a crash course on these chinese bl series that are everywhere around me but i don't know them. like i'm familiar with the untamed or however many names it has but i'm seeing two or three more???? help please if you can thank you

hello!! oh no worries, i happened to be looking for a distraction too so this was timely hahaha although it’s a pretty broad question since there are so many new live adaptations coming out (and some which have already come out which are featured as bromances), but let me see if I can like round this up for you a little. 

*i may be giving you a bit more than you need or like irrelevant stuff, but i guess i’m bound to hit something hahaha

Okay so the chinese BL series you’re talking about is The Untamed, and since you said you’re familiar I won’t get into it in detail, BUT just for like flow’s sake:

The Untamed (Chen Qing Ling) is based on the danmei (BL) novel written by MXTX, called Mo Dao Zu Shi (and yes however many like English translations to this title there is), or MDZS for short. You watched the live-action, and there’s like a lot of other versions of it e.g. the anime, the chibi anime, audio dramas etc. etc. the list goes on. In case you still haven’t seen any of those, just glance through this masterpost made by @the-social-recluse​ - In any case, right now everything is sort of already out EXCEPT:

MDZSQ - chibi donghua, cutest shit you’ll ever see

More MDZS merch 

Some teasers from MDZS mobile game which has been one year and developing

Now moving on to other BL series floating around so frequently - MDZS is the second book that MXTX wrote. So there’s SVSSS (The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving-System), which is also called lovingly by others in the fandom by Scumbag System/Villain in short, this is MXTX’s first danmei novel. Right now if you’ve seen this on Tumblr, it’s the anime (donghua) version - 10 episodes only for Season 1, available on WeTV with subs, finished airing like a few weeks ago. Translations of the novel are definitely out in full somewhere.

An absolute mess, but an organized one

Tried to do a manhua but failed

Everyone thought the donghua wouldn’t air on time either (it has a history of dropping development halfway) but it did

Would probably be the most entertaining if ever dealt with a live-action

And then there’s arguably, the most beloved child out of all three novels (at least right this moment) - TGCF (Tian Guan Ci Fu, or Heaven Official’s Blessing). This is the third and so far last (???) danmei novel MXTX has written, main pairing invented love. Strawhat-wearing scrap collector smiley angel with devoted kid-turned-adult-turned-ghost-king who follows smiley angel for like many years because he loves him. Anyway, if you’re seeing this, once again on Tumblr a lot, it’s the donghua version you’re seeing. Still airing, I think we’re midway through the whole season, the yelling starts Saturday (Asia time zone) and then extends into Sunday, sometimes Monday.

There’s like a god-tier Eng translation in full for TGCF by Suika

There is a manhua for this as well, only like 45 chapters in, but the time Jan/Feb 2021 rolls around, the donghua would have overtaken the manhua progress on the storyline HAHAHA

Apparently the director/production team who did CQL/The Untamed managed to get the rights to filming its live-action, but heh nothing much about that just yet aside from casting rumours and fans worrying that the casting will be done wrongly and also that they won’t be able to do justice to the story.

Alright now that we’ve more or less cleared MXTX and what everyone is hyping over (for good reason), let’s move on to the other CHINESE BL stuff you could be seeing (although I feel like you might not actually be asking about this), and these will all be live-actions (I’m also only clearing SOME of this year’s stuff, so none from before 2020, don’t ask me why I didn’t leave Guardian or SCI up here):

✨✨✨ Already aired, done and dusted or maybe ongoing, just ones I see on my dash and notifs so I definitely am biased ✨✨✨

The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty (Cheng Hua’s Fourteenth Year) - Many episodes, much bromance, base novel is gay af, but live action is cute af. Read more here and full translation is not yet done I think

My Roommate is a Detective - THIS IS A SPECIAL MENTION. NOT BL. Doesn’t even have like a book to go along with it, it’s just I’ve seen people getting into this again and creating content, so idk, imma just leave this here. It ain’t BL but it got the most glaring BL-esque relationship I’ve ever seen in my life. You’ll get what I mean if you watch it

The Lost Tomb Reboot - AGAIN another special mention, because many handsome young-ish men who you know, head into tombs, much bromance. Based on a huge series of novels, totally not BL, but as always with like a lot of men put into one story, ships happen. This year as well, in case you’ve seen it floating around

✨✨✨  Upcoming Chinese BL live-action adaptations, confirmed + casting + filming. You may have seen some of these because like posters were recently released etc. - As far as I know these are all slated for 2021 ✨✨✨

Faraway Wanderers (Tian Ya Ke) - A danmei novel by Priest, filming wrapped up, should be airing soon. Leads are pretty cute, although I’m sure they’ll turn this bromance. One of the male leads is known for a lot of period web dramas, and Gong Jun, the other male lead, is known for more contemporary modern dramas, but damn Gong Jun’s jawline

Winner is King (Sha Po Lang) - Another danmei novel by Priest, filming wrapped up recently as well if I recall? Posters recently released, and this is arguably Priest’s most famous and popular danmei

Immortality (Hao Yi Xing) - A super popular danmei novel called 2ha or The White Husky and His White Cat Shizun by Meat Bun. Filming also... wrapped? I think, because posters came out the next day and everyone from Earth to Pluto went mad, definitely one you should look out for next year spring i think, but I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be a hell lot more teasers, posters etc. coming up and then half of danmei Tumblr will probably go into cardiac arrest

The Society of Four Leaves (Zhang Gong An) - Ehhhh I think this hasn’t yet been filmed but casting was recently confirmed (contentiously).  Concept posters are up though. This technically isn’t classified officially as a BL. There are no CPs officially in the novel, but apparently it’s very like idk flirty etc., also slated for next year

*There are a few more by Priest, e.g. Liu Yao, but no concrete news that I’ve seen (by now like at least 60% of her danmeis either have a live-action contract or a donghua contract or both lmao)

✨✨✨  Upcoming Chinese BL donghua adaptations (2021-ish). All by Priest✨✨✨

*Throwing this in just as a by the way thing, because these are also recent news (these two weeks). There might be more but I haven’t seen anything yet personally :D

Imperfection (Can Ci PIn) - Space AU, the novel won like two national literary awards if I recall like last year? Anyway a brief trailer recently came out last week I think, and main lead is handsome af, and once again it’s space and space wars so it’s pretty cool

Silent Reading (Mo Du Zhe) - Novel is called Mo Du, and honestly I think the donghua has been like teasing fans for like idk years, but it looks like we’re finally getting to the donghua as the team previewed the first ep like... two weeks ago live to an audience? Modern crime thriller thing, there’s a masterpost going on Tumblr

Lie Huo Jiao Chou - Another Priest fan favourite, a historical + modern danmei combination. Much angst from what I’ve seen, but donghua teaser looked good also, released also last week

---

anyway hopefully some part of this or at least one part answers your question? if not, just send me another ask or like, DM me hahahaha

[prismadog]

Found Family AU character facts/background (part 7)

well, folks, we've made it to the last one of these posts - minus the upcoming master post. these just seem to get longer and longer, or maybe it's just because the past two have been about siblings? idk, all I know is that I'm a bit tired of writing these atm.

this last one should - SHOULD be shorter, but we'll see. this one will feature our last two characters - Mr. there's-no-such-thing-as-a-demon Joel Smallishbeans and good ol' Copper Dad Pixlriffs.

*did you know that Mesoglea is a word? I didn't until I kept trying to type "Mezalea" and my computer kept wanting to change it. Mesoglea is a gelatinous substance between the endoderm and ectoderm of sponges or cnidarians, or something. there's your word of the day and it's all thanks to the red squiggly line that appears every time I type "Mezalea"

*edit: guess what? y'all get two of these in one day because I felt like writing this last one! [technically, it's already Saturday but to me, the next day doesn't start until the sun comes up so yeah...two in one day! whoo!] the master post will be tomorrow sometime but idk when.

Joel

Joel is the only child to the Mezalean King and Queen, and was less born to them and more born from the Mother Tree - they couldn't have children so they begged the Mother Tree for an heir, She granted them a child who they raised as their own.

he was often alone growing up, never really played with the other children, but he wasn't lonely - so he and others would say - because he had his terracotta clones. he built many of them with his own two hands and the Mother Tree gave them life. he was raised as a prince and often went to the Gathering of the Empires with his father.

he got on well enough with the other children but kept mostly to himself - that is until he met the princess of the Ocean Empire. he noticed the other noble children seemed afraid of her so he took it upon himself to befriend her - plus, she was so different from the humans/clones around him, she was interesting with her pink hair and pearlescent skin and unnaturally blue eyes.

they would meet at the Gathering and spend the whole time together talking about their kingdoms and their hobbies - Joel was really into building and playing pranks on people, Lizzie was into raising axolotls and has a brother who she looks after. the short meetings weren't enough and Joel talked to his parents about visits with the Ocean Empire - it only makes sense since the two empires boarder each other. unknown at that moment, the Oceanic rulers proposed the same thing to the Mezalean rulers.

visits began between the two kingdoms and Joel found himself in love quickly enough - he loved Lizzie, he loved her little brother, he loved the Ocean Empire itself. but he kept his feelings to himself for fear of rejection, that is until he was about 16 when Lizzie came to him with talk of marriage - their parents had been discussing it but didn't want to force their children into it. he and Lizzie talked it over then went to their parents together and promised a future wedding, he also promised that Jimmy could be his best man.

life was peaceful, there were plenty of long visits between kingdoms, him and Jimmy often got into trouble - then the King of the Ocean Empire was killed. Joel tried to be there for her but found travel between kingdoms difficult due to the ongoing storms surrounding the Ocean Empire, he still managed to write Lizzie and once was able to visit - though getting back was just as difficult as getting in.

then several months later the storms stopped and Lizzie wrote to him about her taking the throne - she had said the Queen returned to the sea, though, he didn't really understand what that meant. he returned to the Ocean Empire and was there for Lizzie's coronation. he started visiting regularly for a time and each visit seemed to last longer than the one before it - he was there so often that Jimmy suggested he just move in. he did, with both his parents' and Lizzie's permission.

two years after that, he asked Lizzie to marry him and she said yes. they had two ceremonies, a proper land-dweller one in Mezalea, and another smaller Oceanic ceremony. being King now to the Ocean Empire meant he was basically a trophy husband but he didn't mind, he was happy as long as he was at Lizzie's side. if there was a Gathering, he or Jimmy would go with her, though usually Jimmy stayed home to watch over the kingdom - but he made sure to bring him plenty of stories and food from the Gathering.

Joel received word from his parents that an illness had struck Mezalea and the King and Queen had caught it. he returned home immediately to help where he could, Lizzie often sent aid to him, as did the kingdom's ally Pixandria - he had hardly ever spoken to the Copper King but he was glad for the aid. his parents unfortunately didn't survive and he lost a good number of civilians to the illness. but it was cured, with the help of the Mother Tree and magic from the Crystal Cliffs, and he became King of Mezalea.

with the illness cured, visits started up again between Mezalea and the Ocean Empire, though there was a lot more time spent apart than together but he and Lizzie made it work. Jimmy sent messages and gifts between the couple, often getting some for himself, until of course Jimmy became of age and wanted to travel the world.

Joel and Lizzie saw Jimmy off - it never ceased to amaze him how his two best friends could turn into giant sea creatures that could wipe out a fleet of ships. they managed visits on their own and sometimes he got letters from Jimmy. the letters stopped for a time and Lizzie grew worried, worried enough that storms nearly threatened the kingdom - but then Jimmy finally wrote them again and things were okay, he was in a swamp settlement and the people were taking care of him.

he and Lizzie went out right away to see him and found him at home in the swamp amongst a bunch of fish-human hybrids. he watched as Lizzie lectured her brother then babied him, then helped set Jimmy up as the ruler of the swamp settlement - the Cod Empire. they left Jimmy sometime later but saw him again at the next Gathering.

Jimmy got on well enough with the other rulers, despite the cod head he wore, though Joel noticed some rulers picking on him. he helped Jimmy from time to time, just so his brother wouldn't be alone, but didn't worry too much since Lizzie wasn't worrying - she was extremely protective of Jimmy but if she wasn't stepping in, then there was no need to worry.

Joel had met many of the rulers when he was a child so he knew pretty much everyone there. the only ones he hadn't met before was Count fWhip of the Grimlands, Wizard Gem of the Crystal Cliffs, and King Joey of the Lost Empire. Gem was all right for a mage, he ended up becoming frenemies with fWhip due to the teasing of Jimmy, and Joey was just weird so he didn't really talk to him unless need be. he got to know Pix a bit more when Pix decided to ally himself with Lizzie and Jimmy, and he started calling the man "Copper Dad" since his main trade was copper.

Pixl

Pixl was found by a pair of miners in a cave beneath the sands and was taken back to a large desert village, nobody really knew where he had come from, only that he was gifted with visions of death - of those around him and of rulers of the kingdoms outside of the desert. the villagers thought him odd and a bad omen, at first anyway, because he always knew who would die next and would light a candle for them when they passed.

they accepted him after a time, once they realized that he wasn't actually the cause - he would preach to them about Lady Death sometimes and how she would care for their loved ones. everyone in the village had a hand in raising him, as well as raising other children which was their way - it takes a village to raise a child.

Pixl learned how to farm and mine and care for animals, and he learned to build. his first build, guided by his visions, was the Vigil - it stood tall in the center of the village and was home to 12 different colored candles - only two of which were lit - one for Elfking Scott of Rivendell and one for Queen Katherine of the Flower Fields. the rest remained untouched. these flames never went out and the villagers often questioned him about them - he told them that there will be 12 mighty rulers that would change the world, for better or worse he didn't know.

over the years, he continued building up the village, he watched over the Vigil as Prophet of Death, and started working with copper and trading it for other goods. the people began to go to him for help and looked up to him as a leader, they named him the Copper King - a new candle was lit for himself when he was crowned, something he hadn't known would happen.

he continued leading his people and made a few alliances with other kingdoms - with Queen Katherine and the King of Mezalea. there wasn't a lot of contact between the kingdoms other than the Gathering, of which, he never failed to go to. over the years, he watched rulers age and die and watched their heirs take over. it took a long time for him to meet the children who would one day have their candles lit.

the next candle to be lit was for Pearl of Smallholding, though, he didn't know who she was at the time, he didn't even meet her until many years later. the next few happen fairly quickly - Queen Lizzie of the Ocean Empire, King Joel of Mezalea, and a couple years later Dwarf King Sausage of Mythland - these three he had watch grow up through the Gatherings. shortly after Mythland, Wizard Gem took over as the ruler of the Crystal Cliffs - he had known the previous Wizard and through them, knew of their protégé. a year after Gem was her twin brother, Count fWhip of the Grimlands - a new kingdom that managed to rise up from its own sort of desert. a few years later was King Joey of the Lost Empire and Codfather Jimmy of the Cod Empire - Joey's kingdom had once been named Maztec but had been in hiding for so long that it lost its name. due to his alliance with Joel, Pix decided it best to ally himself with Lizzie and Jimmy as well, somewhat through association but mostly because he liked them.

one candle remains unlit and no matter how much Pixl prays, the answers as to why remain a mystery. he still watches over the Vigil and keeps a count of each rulers' deaths - for some reason, the 11 rulers are allowed to revive themselves every time they die. he finds this odd as well, and a bit concerning.

[willowgast]

hi! i’m very interested in history and would love to study it in college, but i don’t know what careers i could get with a history major besides being a teacher. are you planning on becoming a teacher, or do you have other career suggestions for those studying history? tysm if you respond!

so, here's a testament to how terrible i am at running this ramshackle blog - i just found this in my drafts after goodness knows how long and frankly i dread to count back and find out. but it is a very good question and i am very, very sorry for taking probably months to do this, and even if this no longer interests you (i apologise again) i'm going to post anyway in case it interests somebody else. going under the cut because this might become a tad long-winded - there's also a tl;dr at the very end of the post for those who don't want to sift through my stream of thoughts.

i am not personally planning on becoming a teacher, at least not in a high school level or younger - still have far too many Spicy Memories from that age to want to return to a school setting in any capacity. academia does appeal to me a lot more as an option - i'm loving my dissertation work and there are lots of areas within my broad field of medieval northern europe with room for fresh, new research. i could specialise in any number of areas, but right now what appeals to me most is literary history and archaeology. unfortunately, my course isn't running the archaeology paper it usually offers as part of the second year setup this year, so i won't get to try out specialising in it, but it's something that's grabbed my attention more and more over the course of my first year of study.

beyond remaining within academia or going into archaeology, i've also considered museum work and archival work. my interest in working in a museum has sprung from a similar place to my interest in archaeology - i've discovered that staying holed up writing at a desk all day, every day can be very draining and, more importantly, that working with physical, material history right in my hands and before my very eyes is Really Super Cool and Exciting. i would very happily look into options for working in a museum in curation or conservation, helping to preserve artefacts and make them accessible to the general public. archival work comes from a similar place, too - i guess it combines my interest in literary history with the feeling of intimacy and immediacy that comes with working with material history.

steering away from fields directly relevant to history, i'd also love to spend some time working in a library - any kind at all, from my local public library to something more academic. one of the papers i'm taking is palaeography, the study of manuscripts, which i've developed a much greater fondness for than i expected to when i started. it's made me really interested in working in an academic library that curates and cares for collections of older manuscripts, i guess like a crossover of a library and a museum.

there's a few areas too that aren't directly related to my degree, but are helped and supplemented by it - these are translation, publishing, and creative writing. languages and literature have always been my strongest subject in school, so it helps a lot for me that my course is interdisciplinary, combining study of medieval languages, literature, and history rather than being strictly a history degree. i maintain a good standard of french and german from when i studied them at school and i'm also learning danish, norwegian, and swedish on the side. the last three are mainly just for reading purposes as i sometimes get set academic articles to read in those languages, but i'd love to work and study in norway some day so i'm practicing norwegian to a more proficient/practical level. at some stage, probably once i've completed my degree, i'd like to save some money aside to take exams and hopefully get qualifications in some of those languages - probably german and norwegian - just to have some formal acknowledgement of my work to hand if i ever want to pursue any programmes or qualifications in translation studies. literary translation, working with creative literature rather than formal documents or academic writing, is something i'm very sure i would enjoy.

publishing is harder to describe, i guess. i have a small role as the editor of my department's silly little student magazine and i'd like to expand and apply to editorial positions at other, marginally more respectable student publications - it's certainly a role i'm enjoying a lot, although i haven't done much research into the professional publishing industry yet. it's on the backburner until i pull my life together enough to properly research career options there.

alternatively, the one thing that has always been my go-to dream job since i was a kid is just 'writer'. i love writing fiction and poetry, i have spent at least some of my free time each week writing whatever comes to mind for as long as i can remember. i have a big fantasy project on the go at the moment that i don't really talk about on this blog, but i do now have the beginnings of a world anvil page talking about it which is linked in my pinned post. i'm not banking on it or considering it as a very reliable option, but i will keep slowly and lovingly building it until it's ready to share, and then i'll simply see what happens next.

(if it took off though, i would drop everything else in my life like a hot plate and live out my silly little childhood dream to its fullest potential. tween magnus deserves some justice in this life.)

anyways - TL;DR now:

jobs i'm personally interested in:

academia/professional scholar

museum curator or conservator

archaeology

archivist

librarian

literary translator

something in the publishing industry idk

writer

general history-degree-related advice:

there are more options out there than just teaching which are directly related to the field of history. the more you dig into your area of interest, the more weird and whacky jobs you never expected to exist will crop up on your radar - i'm sure there are plenty of obscure things i've missed out here. unless you become a tenured professor or senior curator or secure a job at a particularly fancy/prestigious institution, none of these jobs pay particularly well, and academia especially is known for treating everyone who isn't a tenured senior academic like mud. therefore you pretty much have to be in these jobs out of passion rather than a desire to live comfortably and with above-average financial success. finally, most people i know at university, regardless of their field, aren't aiming to find careers directly relevant to said fields (apart from like, med students and lawyers and that kind of thing). especially in the humanities. none of us really know what we're doing. if you're comfortable studying these subjects for the pure passion and joy of it, fantastic, i'm right there the same with you - if you want something that has a more stable degree-to-career progression, humanities right now probably aren't top subjects. there's a whole ongoing cultural debate about how criminally undervalued humanities degrees and jobs are, and i hope that soon we'll see some tangible results from this - among them that all of the jobs i've listed above will be marginally better paid, and junior academics better treated within their fields.

history is wonderful. come join us. (also if anyone else doing humanities has points or advice that i've missed out, please feel free to add them, my scope of experience is still very limited)

[giffingthingsss]

J/C, C/7, and Me

Disclaimer: I am not necessarily a J/C shipper. I just have eyeballs and enjoy the show. Long ass post. 

In the Beginning

Was a Janeway/Chakotay romantic plot baked in? I tend to think not. At least not at the very start. But this is pure speculation on my part.

If romance is your goal, then it’s much more interesting to have Chakotay not immediately being 100% supportive. (An AU where they never get lost and it’s just Janeway pursuing this Maquis leader and maybe eventually being persuaded and helping him, please.) 

I think initially they were flirting with the idea of Janeway/Paris. The character of Tom was described as being a potential love interest for Janeway. That idea doesn’t seem to have made it past the character sketches, but you can see a trace element of it in the very beginning. 

The writers played with a number of character combinations. A pretty natural chemistry was cropping up between Captain and First Officer. Little things were dropped into scripts. Performances certainly came across as interested, whether intended or not, who knows. 

Ramping Up

Where before there were hints and moments, Resolutions kicks off a series of flashing red sirens.

From this episode on there would be declarations of... ‘you bring me true peace’, and ‘I’m frickin jealous, okay?’ and bawling declarations of ‘you can’t die!’ These developments are not in the shipper’s imagination. They’re building toward something. Clearly. Obviously. Said all the people with eyes. 

For the first couple seasons, Janeway being engaged kind of kept this at bay. But now they’re fully playing with it. 

Road Block

However, Kate Mulgrew (and maybe others, I dunno) was like, ‘sure. develop the relationship. but no sex. the first female captain isn’t going to be having booty calls in the ready room. not gonna happen. people are going to take this captain seriously.’

So they played with it here and there, but it could only go so far. Kate seemed to want the best of both worlds. A deep, complicated, growing relationship, that never tipped over into the sexual. Her focus was on getting the crew home. 

Beltran flat out says (in one of the books I own that I don’t feel like digging out) that Chakotay was in love with her. But Beltran was getting frustrated. When Year of Hell came around, he apparently called up the writers and said, ‘how long is this guy gonna keep throwing himself at a woman who never reciprocates? it’s getting pathetic. either do something with these two or don’t.’ 

Loner Janeway

Along the way, I think Kate became enamored with the idea of the loneliness of command, the sacrifices it entails. Fell in love with the poignancy of it all.

This is not something that’s out of character for Janeway. Beyond the fact that in the beginning she was engaged, pairing off was a luxury she didn’t think the captain had. So any kind of romantic relationship she might pursue would have to start with her being broken out of that mindset. 

That’s basically what Resolutions did. Once they finally pried Voyager out of her fingers, you could see a burgeoning love very clearly. But then Voyager came back. And with it her... resolutions. 

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

If they had wanted to snip it and move on, they should have had that conflict between Janeway and Chakotay at some point. Perhaps after Beltran called them up and said, ‘hey. Make up your minds.’ 

Have the characters actually talk about it and reach a conclusion and there ya go. But maybe the writers just didn’t know wtf they wanted to do with it and wanted to leave their options open. And then did nothing at all. 

Me, a Non-Shipper

Personally, I tend to agree with the Mulgrew side of things (and can also see why Beltran would be bored with the eternal holding pattern and not mind when they said ‘hey, you can kiss Jeri Ryan.’)

They developed the Tom/B’Elanna romance, which was great. We didn’t need non-stop romantic plots. I think the shippers could understand Kate’s reasoning and were willing to go with the slow burn...if the writers had actually sat down and decided that’s what they were doing. If only they hadn’t dropped the ball at the very end.

Here’s the thing: if you build up a relationship like that, you can’t be upset when people notice. And you can’t give up on it behind the scenes without telling the audience on screen. ‘There are some lines we never cross’ might have been an attempt, but was too late. And was certainly not closure. The audience deserved better. 

C/7? WTF!?

Well, if you thought there was no build up for it, it’s because there wasn’t. If you felt like it was whirlwind and came out of nowhere, it’s because it was, and it did. Apparently even in the writer’s room. 

Brannon Braga wanted Seven to die in the finale. He was writing her episodes to gear up for that. Human Error, the episode where Seven experiments with romantic ideas with a holographic Chakotay (with a kiss that was apparently the result of a dare Beltran made to Jeri), was written with Seven’s death in mind. It wasn’t supposed to be the opening salvo of an actual relationship. 

I think Seven of Nine should have bit the dust. I think there had to be a real sacrifice for this crew getting home, a real blood sacrifice. Seven of Nine was, for me, designed to be a character that was gonna die tragically. I planned that.... There’s an episode called Human Error that I wrote...she's trying to feel emotions. She actually succeeds and then almost dies. She learns there’s a Borg implant, that if she becomes too human, it will kill her. And it was that moment in my mind that would set up the finale, where she realized she can’t live here, she can’t live there. And she dies getting her family home. - Brannon Braga

I’m glad they didn’t go that way for various reasons. I love Endgame as it is. But it’s interesting to know the thought process. They weren’t gearing up for romance, they were aiming for tragedy. At least Braga was. 

Human Error was only about six episodes from the end. At the time of that writing, that's what was in at least his head. 

Human Error was not written with an eye toward a C/7 future. Without that episode I doubt highly C/7 would have been a thing. And it wasn’t even written to make it a thing.

Endgame obviously didn't go that way. Janeway-palooza instead. So. What do we do now? What to do with Seven? And from here on, all I have is speculation.

Retooling

'Well, we've got this holodeck scenario from the episode we wrote when we were planning to kill her off that hints that she might like Chakotay. So. I guess we'll go with that.' 

It appears to me that they retooled recently written story elements to fit their ending, to provide more motivation for that ending.

They picked the three people it would kill Janeway most to lose. Tuvok, obviously. An ongoing torment, visiting him every week. Seven dies (a remnant of plan A) and in a sense takes Chakotay with her. 

This is all fuel for Admiral Janeway without making it about saving her lover (unless you’re a J/7 shipper, in which case, hog heaven).

When you think of it only in terms of ‘what can we do to make the finale work’, it’s not terrible. When you think of it in terms of seven preceding years, it doesn’t work at all. They got myopic. 

In hindsight I think the writers could probably admit it was a mistake in terms of the show, and they should have resisted the urge to do something that was thrown together and jarring rather than nothing at all with Seven.

Gossip

Apparently neither Mulgrew or Beltran were opposed to C7 in the end. Maybe because they had at points been a bit frustrated with each other behind the scenes. Whether those frustrations were forefront in anyone’s mind at the time, idk. 

I tend to think Kate really was over the idea of Janeway’s destiny having much to do with romance at all.

It is interesting that when Seven first arrived on the show, Kate specifically mentioned not wanting the writers to throw her with Chakotay. At that point perhaps feeling a tad possessive. Perhaps didn’t want him ‘sullied’ by the busty blonde.

But this was seasons in the past by the time the finale rolled around, and I doubt highly it had anything to do with anything. Who knows. 

Me on Endgame

Personally, I'm glad Endgame was a Janeway palooza. I love 99% of Endgame. I’m glad it was about Janeway vs.Janeway vs. Borg Queen. I wouldn’t have wanted it to be about J/C either.

But if you’re not willing to go there, leave it then to the imagination. It's cruel to basically tell your audience that these two would be together if not for their delta quadrant circumstances, and then rip the rug from under them the second they get to the quadrant where this romance is supposed to be possible. Not cool, man. Not cool. 

When I first saw Endgame (as a non-shipper with eyes) C/7 was jarring and weird. But I thought the scene where Seven was distancing herself was well acted and stirred up an emotion or two (even if it was a little histrionic, considering they'd just started dating). So I wasn’t throwing things at my television. Just confused.

I also basically dismissed their future relationship. They got home after like one date, not ten years of marriage. And now their lives will completely change. So I just kind of hand-waved it away. "It did its job for the episode, but the future's changed and they won't last. So whatever."

Headanons on Janeway’s romantic reasoning and original timeline reaction to C/7

Captain Janeway had no idea how long it would take to get back home. Obviously you hope for tomorrow, but it could be twenty years from now. She resigned herself to not pursue romance. Her sole purpose in life was to get the crew safely home.

So I speculate her reaction to C/7 would be quite stoic. She would recognize it’s not fair for him to just pine away, possibly forever. That she has made this choice and he shouldn't have to be alone because of it. Her being alone is just part of the price she must pay, the burden she must bear. Her own wants and needs must take a backseat. She has greater responsibilities.

In fact, I can see her encouraging C/7. She would see it as a form of selfless love. ‘It doesn’t matter that he’s with me; it matters that he’s happy.’ Of course feelings would rear their heads from time to time, but she would quickly corral them into that channel.

Lots of lovely internal martyrdom. She would make it her mission to make sure they were both okay and happy. A bit of a masochistic streak that she buries under a sense of nobility and sacrifice.

This is the kind of angle I think Mulgrew came to prefer. That lovely little tragic pang. She loves drama, if nothing else.

“It’s a lonely thing, but I’m gonna get this crew home.” - Kate Mulgrew

“You always made it hard for yourself. If there was a rocky path and a smooth one, you chose the rocky one every time.” - Coda

This is a woman with a lot of love to give. But finds herself, or perhaps unnecessarily forces herself, depending on your view, in a place where that’s not a possible life choice. So those instincts expand outward, enveloping them all. She finds fulfillment in the well-being of the crew and the ship as a whole. 

Post Endgame

Their trip was shortened by a lot because of Endgame. The future is no longer written in stone. So the possibilities are endless, the sky’s the limit. And apparently Seven’s a lesbian (I haven’t seen it, but I hear tell). So. There ya go. 

(She is crying here, btw. I never noticed before I did that episode and feel the need to point it out once again. Lest anyone else still not have noticed.) 

If you actually read this whole thing, congratulations. Hopefully it made sense. I now continue with my rewatch and probably won’t talk much about this in the future. Unless something new comes up, I’ll just continue to be a non-shipper with eyeballs, enjoying whatever’s around. 

[lumilasi]

I saw this in my feed and since I was pretty bored and FINALLY free from the said boredom, figured I could do this one. I generally enjoy question based tags, especially if they relate to art/writing/fandom/are some general things about favorite colors, music, foods, things about your home country etc.

(basically, you can tag me in stuff similar to listed above things and I’ll probably do them if I see them/have time lmao)

Fic Writer Questions!

How many works do you have on AO3? 

44 total. I used to have more but I’ve deleted an old Bleach one I knew I’d never continue to write, and two bnha ones for the same reason (those two were also at the very beginning stages so nobody missed a lot anyway)

What's your total AO3 wordcount? 

4 269 068......wow. It’s even MORE than I even imagined. Over 4 million words. 

....Someone take my writing tools away from me lmao

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

 Three. I started with MCU, moved on to Bleach and now I’ve done most ofr BNHA

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

Crossroads - 3069 

Family Secrets - 3015 

Reanimate - 1534 

The neighbor - 809 

Espada and Fraccion - 782

.....Admittedly this list surprised me. Not the first three but the last two. The fifth is an one shot for Bleach that I wrote AGES ago. I also for some reason expected this list to match the bookmark list more lmao

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I always try to respond to every comment I get, but often times when it’s just one word or a heart emoji I don’t really know what to say, so I might not reply to those. I do appreciate every comment I get, and read every single one, even if I don’t respond

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? 

I don’t do angst endings typically, but Family Secrets is probs the most obvious choice, given what happens at the end. 

- and its not even the real end, because I couldn’t help myself and made two more stories for the AU that was like “hey! this character I made you all love so much actually DIDN’T die, he just had unfinished business back home” lmao

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've ever written? 

Rarely, typically they’re between my own fics (the story that crosses the paths of Crossroads and Family Secrets AU’s, literally titled Crossover, creative name I know OTL I was out of ideas) 

Or between me and other people’s fics. Currently there’s two, both with Crossroads: one with Theteapotofdoom’s fic Something Good, and another with leontheneon’s fic Here with you. Both stories are basically a two part series that is non canon to actual Crossroads. The first story is finished, second one has two chapters left...that...I uh...struggle to write it seems OTL

(not tagging either person into this because Tea is very busy IRL right now so I don’t want to bother her, and Leon hasn’t been around in ages, IDK if they even use tumblr anymore)

Have you ever received hate on a fic? 

Not really no? I can only remember one time with somebody kind of demanding me to completely rewrite one fic in the past. It wasn’t really hate, more just...kinda unreasonable in my eyes? This was years ago by now.

While I did understand their side and the particular struggle they had (once they actually explained it, the first comment at the time came off pretty rude and demanding), I still feel them wanting me to re-write an entire multi-chapter fic just for them is a bit unreasonable, like said.

Like it wasn’t just couple of grammatical errors that was their issue, we’re talking weeks and even months long process of completely reworking multi-chapter story, because the grammar wasn’t tip top perfect. (I’m not a native speaker so there’s bound to be some mistakes; pointing out small occasional things is one thing - asking me to rewrite an entire multi-chapter story is another)

You can imagine that is not exactly high on my priorities list with IRL responsibilities and being more focused on the actual content of what I write, the ongoing stories I’m updating. This fic isn’t even finished yet either, so...yeah. Like after they explained their side of the story I was a bit more understanding, but its still....a bit ridiculous and unreasonable in my eyes to ask somebody to do such a massive overhaul when the story isn’t even finished yet?? Like maybe once its done and I have time I can go and edit it, but not when I haven’t even finished it lmao

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Nah. I don’t care about smut a whole lot personally. I much more enjoy writing emotional scenes, character interactions and mystery. Plot over porn basically lmao 

Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

I don’t...do people actually do this? It feels like such a weird and pointless thing to do. It’s fanfic. stuff you write for fun and for free, for people to read for free. I’d also imagine its pretty easy to get caught given AO3 shows when you first posted your story. 

Have you ever had a fic translated?

 Yes, a couple of times. In Russian and I think other one was Chinese?

Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

Writing the crossovers was kinda that? Like I asked feedback from Tea and Leon on how to write them. there was also actually third crossover story that was supposed to happen (only I wasn’t going to be the one to write it) but this project has been shelved as the other person had to drop majority of online activity due to some IRL health related things. (I’m just glad they recently contacted me to inform they were doing better)

What’s your all time favorite ship? 

Right now it’s..probably pretty obvious its Shigadabi, but I can never really say any ship is my all time fave, as it always changes depending on the fandom lmao. 

I guess my favorite character x proper sleep/emotional stability/happiness will always be the OTP

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Oof. I always try to finish every single one, and if I absolutely know I won’t, I tend to just delete them. Thankfully I’ve only done it thrice. Which I guess is still a lot, but compared to how much I write, in context not really? 

What are your writing strengths?

From what I’ve gathered of feedback, its typically emotional moments/character dialogue and interaction/character arcs and so. Mystery plots too. Or maybe that last one is just me lmao

What are your writing weakness?

Personally, while I tend to get positive feedback on both, sometimes I feel like I struggle to choose a good pacing for a fic, and fight scenes are always a pain. Namely, I might struggle with making the pace too long-winded and slow sometimes. Ironically, my IRL update pacing is probs a bit too fast in turn. (To add another layer of irony, I got an update ready for Unravel that I’ll post after making this tag)

Also writing shorter stories. I’ve been trying to write one-shots more (like the Spinaraki series thing) to kinda try and get myself to pack up my stories better and not let them always spiral out of control haha

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I did try to do that once with a fic I deleted, I had a native speaker help me with the canadian french bits. This person is no longer active on tumblr, and I deleted that fic because I realized I’d never finish it. 

Technically tho, as a non-native English speaker, EVERY word is in other language to me lmao. I could only add Finnish as an extra one easily, and it rarely makes sense to do so anyway.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for? 

MCU. It’s what I originally made my AO3 for, as I felt brave enough to post things. I also can’t remember writing fandom related stuff before that, it was typically more oc related. Writing fics has helped me learn a lot about world-building, character consistency and all that stuff, without having to make everything from scratch (tho I do enjoy doing that as well of course). I feel like my original work writing has improved too thanks to my fic writing shenanigans in a way lmao. Tho that might just be me, IDK

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? 

Oooof. This changes a lot depending on the time. I can never really pick just one either: my current favorites are Stringmaster, The neighbor and Family Secrets

Stringmaster because I love building the Steampunk AU, and Tomura’s relationship with Dabi and his Sensei, The neighbor because I personally think the romance build up in that one is probably one of the best I’ve done so far (the character dialogue in that is among my favorites I’ve written as well) and FS, because it taught me a lot about character building through writing a character like Hisashi.

 Plus I just really like Hisashi. 

And baby Izuku and little Tenko are super adorable. 

And Inko is the best mum.

 Also the fact the whole story is so ironic in a sense its still kinda funny to me. 

The only writer I know that might be around rn is @nightlilly0110 soo...I guess I’ll tag them if they want to do this! Anybody who’s a writer can snatch this too of course ;)

[lollybliz]

bout to make a Monster of a fic rec post here we go

heyo @jinx108! We’ll start with the complete ones because sometimes you’re just not in the mood to wait for the last chapter, you know? I don't remember details of all of these so i’m just going to copy the author’s summary rather than write my own. I am literally just going through my bookmarks, I got 400 of these to sort through. if ive talked to or am familiar with the author im gonna mention them, but if I mention you and you don't want me to have Please tell me and i’ll remove it.

If you’re not into spoilers Please Tread Carefully, I don't watch out for that stuff so I wont know to label it

1>Crushing Truth by Bunzuku: Tododeku. “Romance is hard enough for a teenager to understand when they have a good relationship role model. For Shoto, it takes two excited meddlers for him to even realize what his feelings really are.“

2>Disowned by b00mgh: tododeku + others. Unrated, some traumatic elements. “Shouto freaks out under a bridge and I use the word "grass" a lot more than I really should. Izuku does his stupid martyr thing and everyone makes continuous references to his propensity to break his bones. Aizawa goes "oh FUCK my kids are dying again" and his students use him as emotional (and physical) support. A friend requests angst, I say what kind, she say idk make someone get disowned and i say oh this I can absolutely provide my good buddy.”

3>cotton candy hands by @chonideno: Kiribaku. I will take Any excuse to rec this fic, its the most fluffy pile of feels Good Lord. also the first fic I ever bound into a physical book. “Studying to become a hero requires knowing how to take care of yourself. Sometimes you might need help on the way so if your crush offers to do your hair for you or to give you a well-deserved back rub, it'd be stupid to say no. A series of soft vignettes in which a love-struck Kirishima and a touch-starved Bakugou care for each other and it's definitely not making their hearts jump through hoops, they’re never this close to kissing, no, they're totally best friends bro“

4>Catching Sight of the Storm by neo7v: Kiribaku, tododeku. A considerable amount of Whump and related angst, and kinda sad tbh. “Blind. Quirkless. Useless.The first two things were stated clearly by the doctor that sat about five feet in front of Izuku. The third was a word that Kacchan called him everytime he failed to make the jump on whatever forest excursion they were on or when he ran into a tree because he hadn’t seen it. “I’m so, so sorry, Izuku.” Was his mom giving up on him already? But he could still be a hero if he tried hard enough, right? Quirkless or not. Blind or not. Just because Izuku was useless now didn’t mean he would stay that way forever, right? *** A Blind!Izuku AU”

5>Yell Heah by fakecharliebrown: Chatfic. M a n y pairings. technically complete, but part of an ongoing series. “Iida creates a group-chat for Class 1-A. It doesn't go as planned.“

6>Sunshine by Rosey_Note: BIG SAD. tw- failed suicide attempt. KiriKamiBaku. “They didn't deserve to put up with his crappy mood. Because Denki Kaminari did not feel like Sunshine right now. And they deserved sunshine. In fact, Denki didn't feel much of anything right now.“

7>Electric Connection by  Onlymostydead: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk has always had... Weird side affects. Like his ADHD. And his constant energy. And his insomnia, which wouldn't leave him be right now, when he really needed to just get some sleep. But, thankfully, he has good friends.“

8>The Best (The Worst) by Onlymostydead: no romantic pairing. tw- rampant transphobia, both outside and internalized. “Bakugou Katsuki has known who he was since he was four years old. He was a boy, it was as simple as that. Around his friends, at school... But things couldn't just be that simple, could they?“

9>Lichtenberg Figures by Q_loves_you: no definite romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki has a very powerful force of nature running through his body. Kaminari Denki doesn't want to hurt anybody. He doesn't always get what he wants, and "anybody" does generally include himself.“

10>Eventuality by KikaTouka: ill be honest I don't remember this one at all, I maaaay not have read it yet :/. anyway. ShinKami. “Shinsou learns more than just hero lessons after being transferred to 1-A.“

11>Pickup Lines for the Soul by MustardSoup: ShinKami. “Denki is twelve when he is flicking through the TV channels and lands on an old RomCom movie about soulmate marks – specifically the same type that he has. “I can’t believe I’ve had to walk around with a cheap pickup line written on my ankle my entire life because of you!” The leading lady yells at the leading man as he stares at her in awe. Denki laughs. “Oh no.” His mother says, watching him. “Oh no, indeed.” His sister repeats quietly.“

12>caught in my own web by @anxioussailorsoldier: ShinKami. “Shinsou needs some help after getting caught up in his capture weapon. Kaminari enters from stage left.“

13>not so summer love by nataliya: ShinKami. “Class 2-B’s common room, although typically quiet, was currently filled with five students—three slowly giving up on homework, one bitching about noise and another that rushes through the front door. “We’ve been waiting for you—” Mina starts, but Kaminari’s vaulting over the back of the couch, eyes wide as he practically buzzes out of his skin, emitting light like crazy as currents dazzle across strands of hair. “I have a big ugly crush,” He steps off the couch and onto the coffee table, much to Bakugou’s chagrin, “On big ugly Shinsou.””

14>Blamed by coldandhotsoba: ShinKami. Tw- they fuckin kill a guy and its a lil nasty. “This was not how the day was supposed to end. They were supposed to end the day like they do most nights.  Kaminari clutching onto him like a koala as he slept, wrapped in the millions of tacky blankets Kaminari had bought. Warm and safe in their bed. It was not supposed to end with both of them tied up in some cold metal room.“

15>Lightning Scars by Present-Mics-Scream (write_your_way_out): Shinkami. “It's hard to be confident in your abilities when you're surrounded by people with incredible quirks. Shinsou Hitoshi would know better than anyone. Sure, he was admitted to the hero course in his second year, but being admitted to the hero course, and keeping up with the rest of the class are two different things. Lucky for him, Kaminari is there to prove that the flashiest quirks come with the largest drawbacks.“

16>See No Evil, Hear No Evil by randomfan188: no romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki is legally blind. When he forgets to wear his contacts and breaks down during math class, comfort appears in the strangest of ways.“

17>how not to enjoy the weather, an article by kaminari denki by dreamtowns: no defined romantic pairing. “If there was one thing Kaminari hated the most in a world wth villains, it would have to be thunderstorms.“

18>”Studying” by emmyrox22: ShinKami, EraserMic. “Shinsou and Kaminari have been “studying” together for a while (but not for school). Shinsou gets stopped by his dads on the way to another “study” session and mistakes are made“

19>Weaknesses by sunflowerstorm: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk and storms compliment each other in the worst way, but he's convinced he can deal with it on his own... until he really can't any longer. When Shinsou accidentally overhears Aizawa confronting Kaminari about recent changes in behaviour and hears about the hell his quirks been putting him through, he can't just pretend he never heard. He wants to help.“

20>it’s hurt denki hours by memeingfultrash: ShinKami + others. ““Certain members of our class are...under the impression that...you’re the traitor.” Denki’s body went cold and felt like he was going to short circuit. ~some of class 1a believes that denki is the traitor and avoid him”

21>Petition to replace Mineta with Shinsou- (signed by Kaminari Denki) by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami + others. This is one of my favorites, I go back to reread it from time to time. It SAYS 41/42, but that's just a glitch cus chapter 36 doesn't exist for some reason, I talked to the author about it and its fine. “Mineta brings shame to the color purple. You know who does not bring shame to the rich color, but pride and sexual tension to one infatuated Kaminari Denki instead? Shinsou Hitoshi, aka sexy zombie man, aka the most perfect hunk of a man to walk planet earth, aka future husband. Shinsou has finally gotten his chance to prove himself to the hero course, and he did more than prove himself. The only question left unanswered is whether he will start in A or B, and how Kaminari can manipulate the end result.“

22>How to Get a Boyfriend (in Four Easy Steps!) by e1ana: ShinKami, EraserMic, + others. “Step 1: Get kicked out of the house by your homophobic parents. Step 2: Run headfirst into your brooding, mysterious crush. Step 3: Sleep in his dad’s (see: your homeroom teacher) house Step 4: Watch everything you thought you knew go to shit. This isn’t exactly the sweet, romantic plan that Kaminari Denki longed for. Will everything be ok, or will step 5 be to crash and burn?“

23>Bakugou and Todoroki’s Foolproof 5-Step Plan to Fuck with Mineta Minoru by Anubis_2701: Kiribaku, TodoDeku, + others. This is another one of my favorites, and the one I am currently folding and sewing into a physical book. you learn how to do funny things when bored and quarantined ig. “It was a simple enough idea; screw around with the resident bastard of Class 1-A to let him know that his medieval ways and perverted behaviour weren't going to be tolerated by even the most career-focused of UA's students. To say that things had snowballed was an understatement. Todoroki had no idea how he had ended up sitting on Bakugou's floor at 1 am, holding a dossier of incriminating material that would make the FBI slobber, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. The long and short of it was, fuck Mineta.”

24>Colour Theory by chancellorxofxtrash: TodoBakuDeku. this one’s a series. “Midoriya/Bakugo/Todoroki slow burn soulmate AU. All three of them are nerds with their own emotional issues, trying to navigate their way through becoming heroes, and their own relationship with each other.“

25>Summer Sunshine by Mara97: TodoDeku. Ever want a Barbie in a mermaid tale/Bnha crossover? No? well here you go anyway! “Instead of worrying about college, Izuku spends his summer vacation finding out his father is, supposedly, a dead merman king and going on a quest to dethrone the current king, Endeavor. Along the way, Izuku becomes close to the three journeying with him, makes friends with strangers, starts crushing on an unattainable prince, and, in the end, learns to love himself. Oh, and he saves a kingdom, too.“

26>The snowflakes on our skin and the flames in our soul are one (and the same), my love by missunderstuffyou: TodoDeku, Kiribaku. this is one of the ones I keep a running reread comment going on. its at,,, 6, atm.  “Before your quirk begins to present itself, the soulmate link comes through, and suddenly whatever you write upon your own skin appears on the body of your soulmate. As your soulmate writes to you, the emotions they feel follow through the ink.Izuku Midoriya is four years and a few months old when he first feels the slight ebbing in his arms. It doesn’t hurt… he can just feel something, and it’s enough to make him sprint into his mother’s arms screaming that his quirk is coming. She had been washing in the kitchen, and the sudden screech as her son rockets into her side is enough to make her jump with panic, immediately grabbing at him and looking for cuts and bumps before she understands his words and the stupidly bright, alight smile on his face with large, watery, hopeful eyes. Shoto Todoroki doesn’t feel his soulmate connection open up. It is drowned in the aches of a small body worked far too hard.“

27>It was dark inside the closet by Chad_Champion69420: Pre-ShinDeku? maybe? its tagged shindeku but like. it’ll make sense if you read it. “Midoriya is invited to a party. He and Shinsou decide to play a little trick on the rest of the party during Seven Minutes in Heaven.”

28>how to woo your local trash gremlin: a comprehensive guide by Todoroki shouto by wonhaebunny: TodoBaku. this is the fic that dragged me into todobaku, fun fact. “five times shouto tries to confess to bakugou, and one time he doesn't bother tryingaka: wikihow is a scam and bakugou is a terrible, terrible boy“

29>top ten photos taken right before disaster by Shookspeare: ShinDeku. “Izuku participates in a harmless prank, only to end up ruining it and running for dear life.“

30>Secrets to Share by pechebaie: no definite romantic pairing. “Kirishima comes out first, and nothing changes. Kirishima and Kaminari still hang out to complain about class and talk about boys - and sometimes girls, too, in Kaminari’s case; he still plans stupid pranks with Sero that get them sent to the principal’s or nurse’s office every time; Ashido still kicks his ass at Mario Kart without hesitation; and Bakugou doesn’t get angry at him any more than he usually does.“

31>What One Hides by Pinalinet: TodoDeku. “All Might gives class 1-A an unusual assignment that results in Midoriya Izuku and Todoroki Shouto attending a weekly acting class. But with a mysterious villain targeting individuals without Quirks, and a developing issue of Todoroki's own, an after-school assignment is the least of their worries.“

32>whether or not we’re fated, we’re meant to be by juurensha: KINDA SPOILERY. TodoDeku + others. “Todoroki didn’t have a soulmark for most of his life.His siblings all did, but up until the day of the U.A. entrance exam, he had shoved the idea aside. It’s not like they could help him anyway. And then a 9 appears on his chest, and a green-haired boy barrels into his life with a fire and ice soulmark on his arms, and suddenly Todoroki cares very much about all this could mean.”

33>The Midnight Shift by meiishu @meiishu @totallytodoroki (idk which you’d rather I attach so I went with both): ShinKami. ““Hey Toshi,” Denki says, and he laughs, clearly embarrassed. He’s got on a jean jacket that did him absolutely no help and a white tee shirt that is currently stuck to his torso. It’s got a pikachu design in the center. “By any chance, do you sell umbrellas?” “You really went out in this weather.” Hitoshi deadpans, instead of dignifying that with an answer. or hitoshi works the midnight shift at the gas station, which also doubles as a pokestop for pokemon go. of course, denki is a regular.”

34>Rock the House by AkabaneKayo: ShinKami. “It wasn’t just his bed. It was his entire fucking room shaking. Only one thought crossed his mind at that moment: “Holy shit. My room is haunted.”“

35>Technically, they’re morning kisses by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami. “Most nights, Shinsou cannot fall sleep. Neither can Kaminari. It seems counterproductive to have a sleepover then, but they try to make it work. And they fail, but that is okay.“

36>someone to call mine by nearly_theyre: ShinKami, EraserMic “From: Me wish you were here, denks From: kitten 💛💘💛 what if i was tho? OR Four times Denki snuck into Hitoshi's room and one time he walked through the front door.“

37>Pretty by Onlymostydead (noticing some repeat authors? me too): no definite romantic pairing. “(Or, Kaminari still can't figure out bra clasps.) Kaminari has never really felt good about himself. Herself? Whichever way, not knowing doesn't make anything easier. Especially when he (she?) and Mina have their bodies swapped during training, and everything seems too right.“

38>If I offer you my hand, will you take it? by bleukitsune: Kiribaku. SPOILERY. ““Why?” Kirishima leaned back on his hands, trying to create some space between them. Too close. The ash-blond looked really nervous, his usually arrogant and cunning demeanor gone. “What do you see when you look at me? Kirishima is worried. Bakugou is hurting. After his confrontation with Midoriya, he finally reaches out to him. “

Theres way more but I haven't tagged them properly yet so that m a y come later if I can ever finish going through and adding my sorting tags.

and then a last few that Are Not Complete but im really very fond of them. not as many as id like to add, but my hands are getting tired tbh.

39>State of Mind by GuardianOfTheLoaf: no relationship YET but its looking like it’ll be either tododeku or shindeku, probably the former. EraserMic. tw- childhood neglect and severe depression. Izuku’s not a happy kid. “Izuku was a late bloomer, his quirk lying dormant until his tenth birthday when in a fit of emotion he grabs his mother and she disappears. With All Might slowly restoring his confidence Izuku begins the difficult journey into becoming a hero.“ 18/? chapters.

40>Izuku Eats His Problems by CosmicAce: ShinDeku. Izuku’s a flerkin, what more could you want? “His whole life, Izuku Midoriya was taught to keep his powers, his Quirk, hidden from the world. His kind were feared, hunted to near extinction because of it. He just wants to show people he’s different. That he can be a HERO. And nothing is going to stop him. Even if his Quirk IS like an eldritch abomination.“ 43/? chapters

and then probably my current favorite bnha fic- although it fights with Apertum Mortem for that spot but that ones d a r k and not here-

41>family of the year by periiwren: EraserMic. “Hitoshi is done. Done with moving around every few months to a couple that will scrutinize him and eventually dump him right back where he started. Good thing he’s well past his strike limit now- at least he can stay in one place, be content to age out of the system and finish out his training with Aizawa. Maybe transfer into the hero course, maybe be a hero- but none of that was guaranteed. The only thing for sure was that he was going to stay in that center for the rest of his childhood. Or so he thought- because Aizawa Shouta and Yamada Hizashi have other plans.“ 24/? chapters. we’ve been informed that this one’s gonne be l o n g and im Very Grateful.

42>Here There Be Dragons by here_and_there: pre-ShinDeku. “Izuku looked at the small circle Aizawa had motioned to in front of them. "I won't fit," he whispered, thinking. He raised his hand, tentatively. Sighing, Aizawa grumbled, "What?" "I-I have a question. Actually, two." His teacher just stared at him, unimpressed. Izuku continued. "Can we activate our quirks before we step into the ring?" Aizawa looked up into the sky, muttering something Izuku didn't hear. "If you must." "O-Okay. Uh, second question. You said we have to stay inside the circle, right?" "Yes." The man looked disappointed, not only in Izuku but in himself for letting the kid speak. "Great. Uh... does that include tails?"“ 6/? chapters.

43>Another Option by sandersonsister: TodoBakuDeku, Touya/Hawks, Dabi/Hawks. Potentially Spoilery, depends on whether horikoshi has the guts to confirm Touya. this one is waiting around the corner with a baseball bat, its really cute, and then r e a l l y painful. it might be getting better though. maybe. it might be getting worse. “When Touya stops his mother from hurting Shouto, he decides enough is enough. He needs to get out of this house and he's taking his baby brother with him.“ 33/? chapters.

That's it i’m done for now, oof. maybe ill edit more onto this post later, maybe i’ll just make another one. hope some of these work!

[winterscaptain]

directors commentary on mistletoe please!!!!

as promised - here it is! all the text of mistletoe is there, with my commentary in bold italics :)

“Merry Everything, Dave!” You accept a glass of champagne and a kiss from Rossi as you step into the house, and cross over to Emily by the dining room table to pick up a little snack. Aaron’s in the dining room with JJ, setting the table with the boys (who have been here since the early afternoon). He brought your food with his earlier in the day, and all of it is in the fridge waiting to go on the table.

Tonight is the big Christmas Eve dinner, and the rest of the festivities happen the day after Christmas, when the team and the kids get together to open their presents from each other. 

Crossing to the doorway with Emily, you linger at the edge of the kitchen. 

“Oh hell yeah!” Emily crows, looking up in response to JJ’s pointed look and grin - the mistletoe smiles down at you with its red bow, hanging from the doorway. She takes your face in one of her strong, gentle hands and plants a very real, very chaste kiss on your lips. You laugh and clink your champagne glass with hers. “Merry Christmas!” 

“Merry Christmas, Em.” 

This scene popped fully formed into my head the second I thought of a holiday fic. I was like “oh absolutely Emily is going to have a field day with this.” 

I originally had about seven different mini-scenes with different team members getting caught under the mistletoe, but I thought it best to stay focused in this really critical part of the story. I’ll include them in future fics, for sure!

+++

Jack runs up to you and you catch him when he jumps, swinging him in a circle. He’s almost too tall (and if anyone asks, he’s six, so he’s a big boy now), but you figure you should savor whatever you get while it lasts. He latches on to you and you let him hang off your hip as you walk back into the living room.

There’s nothing I love more than Jack just glomming onto Reader or any other team member. It’s like an instant hit of serotonin. 

 You perch with him on the edge of the sofa next to Derek, who’s entertaining Henry with a couple of excellent fire trucks. 

This little picture here was straight out of a hallmark movie. I wanted to go into more detail, but I felt like it got bogged down. Basically, Derek’s sitting on the end of the sofa, leaning against the arm, while Henry’s basically sitting on his feet playing with the trucks. He’s minding Henry, leaning down every once in a while. Reader comes and sits on the arm, leaning against Derek, Jack-in-lap. 

All in all, very cute. 

When you catch JJ’s eye, she grins and looks up. Lo and behold, a sprig of mistletoe is tracked to the ceiling over your head. Jack follows your gaze and looks at you with a little question in his eyes. 

In hushed tones, you explain. “So, Jack, there’s a tradition where if you land under mistletoe with someone,” you point at the little plants, scattered all over the arches, light fixtures, and random parts of the ceiling, “you give each other a kiss.”

He looks at you, wide eyed. 

“Because it’s you and me, you don’t have to kiss on the lips like the grown ups do. We can give each other a hug or kiss each other on the cheek or anything you want.”

He sits back in your arms, thinking. Finally deciding, “I want to do what the grown ups do.”

Of course. 

You smile at him and wait for him to come to you, which he does. He pecks you on the lips and immediately dissolves into giggles. You tuck him under your chin with a hand on the back of his head, rocking back and forth a little in your own laughter.  

Writing kids is one of my favorite things. There’s something so magical about how delighted they are by so much of the world around them. 

You look at Aaron over Jack’s head, finding him with a soft smile and beer in his hand. 

Don’t give yourself away. Your smile says. 

His eyes flicker up in an almost-eye roll and he takes a sip of his drink. I’m allowed to look at my kid. 

You give him that one, and it’s a good enough cover. 

The way I pictured this little tableau was completely in the third person, maybe from Emily or Dave’s POV? Like someone on the other side of the room just sees them staring at each other, clearly having a sub-social conversation and completely oblivious to the people around them.

It’s almost like the image of a duel. Reader’s on one side of the room with Jack, and Aaron is on the other side, leaning against something (maybe another couch, maybe a fireplace, idk. I always kind of picture Dave’s mansion as my childhood friend Maddie’s house. idk.) and it’s so clear they only have eyes for each other. 

It does, however, escape your notice that Dave and Emily have put their heads together, whispering. 

“They look a proper family, don’t they?” Dave asks. 

Emily nods. “I think they’ve been one for a while, they just don’t know it yet.”

“Give them a little credit. They might know something.”

Emily snorts, and Dave relents. 

“Alright, maybe that’s too much credit.”

The ongoing motif of the team trying to sus out if they’ve admitted their feelings to THEMSELVES - not even each other - is one of my favorite parts of this series. Aaron and Mom have them so thoroughly fooled without even trying, just by being repressed idiots who habitually steamroll their own feelings. 

+++

“Uh oh, Hotch.” JJ grins, her gaze flickering first to Will, then Emily. 

You look up and find mistletoe over your heads, hanging from the pot rack above the island. 

He looks at you, shrugs, and you kiss each other on the cheek like it’s nothing. 

He’s such a shit. 

This is the first moment of this fic that popped into my head. All I wanted was for them to play coy under the mistletoe and for Emily to tease them within an inch of their lives before they almost give themselves away. 

“Oh come on Hotch, you can do better than that. I did!” Emily smirks at him. “A real kiss. C’mon.”

For the sake of the game, you look up at him, playing at shyness, and say, “You don’t have to, it’s okay.”

He rolls his eyes and takes your face in his hands, pressing a soft, surprisingly deep, close-mouthed kiss to your lips. Looking up at Emily, he quirks an eyebrow. “Happy?”

There’s this little moment where they totally get lost in each other. I didn’t explicitly write it in, but it’s kind of in-between the lines. They have to remind themselves of the eyes watching them, because kissing each other has become so part of their life :’)

They were so deprived for so long that every time is like the first time. 

Her cheeks are pink and she feels like she’s just stepped over some kind of line, but doesn’t know what or where it is. She recovers. “Much better.” Hopping off the counter, she retreats to the living room, leaving you alone with Aaron in the kitchen. 

“I think you nearly killed her with that,” you say, picking up your glass of water from the counter. 

He shrugs. “We’ve done worse, don’t you think?”

Your mind wanders to the night before, and heat shoots through you. “But they don’t know about that.” 

Heated brown eyes look down at you, and you shift a little in your chair. “Yeah, but I do.” 

That was another line of dialogue that I was itching to include. I’d had it in the outtakes for ages, and was so excited to finally find a home for it. 

Before you can respond, Jack runs up to you and tugs on your shirt, calling your name until you kneel in front of him. 

“What’s up, bud?” 

“I have a secret question for you,” he says, very matter-of-fact. 

Your eyebrows raise and you lift him up onto the counter so you can meet his eye. “A secret question?”

He nods, cupping his hands around his mouth and whispering into your ear. “Are you and me and dad having another sleepover tonight?”

You look at Aaron for a second before placing your hands around your mouth to reply. “Maybe. We have to see how tired we are after the party. Can you ask your dad a little later?”

He nods, but your hands stay put - there’s more to say. His little hands reach for you, resting lightly around your wrists as he leans into you.

“Hey, I’m really proud of you for asking me in a secret way. I know you and your dad talked about how our sleepovers are something we keep special just for the three of us, and I really appreciate your mindfulness tonight.” You lean back and kiss his forehead. “Super proud of you, bug.”

Establishing the kinship between Reader and Jack is super important to me. Parental, yet with different boundaries than Jack has with Aaron. This was one of the more parent-child moments, where Aaron can really see that Reader is becoming someone Jack trusts, someone who fills a similar role to himself in Jack’s life. 

He grins at you and jumps off the counter, running back to the train he’s building with Henry - the annual ridiculous purchase from Uncle Rossi to keep the kids entertained while the adults actually enjoy Christmas Eve. 

“What was that about?”

“Your son is just like you, you know that?”

He takes a sip of his beer. “How so?”

“He’s good at keeping secrets.”

There was more to this, but I honestly can’t remember what I cut here. It might have been another kiss, but I figured it was too risky and careless, even for them, at this stage of the game. 

+++

You’re all called to dinner about an hour later, with Dave giving the first toast. Penelope, ever the saint, sits with Jack and Henry at the kids table behind you with her cup of spiked apple juice. 

Aaron sits across from you, with the excuse of keeping an eye on Jack, and you’ve already engaged in one ridiculous game of footsie under the table. 

“My friends, my family. Another year comes to a close and it only feels right to acknowledge how wonderful it is to have everyone back where they belong.” Dave looks at Emily, whose face warms, and Aaron, who offers a small smile. “Tonight, let us drink to our family, to forgiveness, and the year ahead.” He raises his glass. “Salut.”

“Hiding in Plain Sight” is one of my favorite tropes, and I engineered this dinner scene to capitalize on that as much as I could. 

This scene originally wasn’t in here at all, but I felt that the fic was too short, so I played around with a couple of things before I added this one. I love that canon gives us so much to play with by way of big family dinners, and I was excited to embrace an opportunity to put my own spin on it. 

There will be more of these in the future!

“Salut!” The rest of the table starts clinking glasses, and you smile widely at Aaron as the neck of his beer bottle taps against your champagne flute. He winks at you as you both drink. 

It really is a family affair - everyone reaches over one another and shouts to pass dishes and refills nearby glasses without being asked. Spencer, beside you, surprises you by resting his head on your shoulder between dinner and dessert. You wrap an arm around him and kiss the top of his head, happy to accept his rare show of affection. 

Emily stands, and you direct your attention to her as he makes another toast, talking about how much she loves all of you, how thankful she is to be home, and how she never once takes you for granted. 

Spencer doesn’t move from under your arm, but Derek extends his arm over the back of Spencer’s chair, and his thumb brushes against the back of your arm. You smile at him over Spencer’s head. 

I love a touchy-feely moment, you know?

When you look across the table at Aaron, he looks well and truly happy. 

+++

A sleeping Jack slumps against your chest and over your shoulder as you say your goodbyes. Aaron has both his and his son’s sport coats over his arm and some leftovers balanced in his palm. 

When kids absolutely crash on people they love, my heart melts. I just imagine a little wilted Jack completely draped over Reader - boneless and totally out cold. I almost added a scene of how he got there (he fell asleep on his dad on the couch, but dad had to help clean up because he’s Aaron, so Jack got shuffled over to Reader), but I couldn’t quite get the flow of the evening in all the right places, so it was cut. 

Derek kisses your cheek and wishes you a Merry Christmas and sweet dreams. Penelope kisses Jack’s forehead and presses a palm to your shoulder. You’re covered in love and kisses and wrapped in hugs on your way out the door. 

I call this The Greek Goodbye - but of course other cultures have this same phenomenon, where all the grown-ups put their coats and shoes on and still they stand around for thirty minutes saying goodbye and giving hugs and kisses and then everyone pours out on to the porch and they all stand around and talk some more and then someone finally gets in the car but they roll their window down etc. etc. etc. and suddenly its an hour and a half later and you haven’t actually left. 

When you finally make it out onto the porch, Aaron’s hand hovers over your back as you step down the stairs to his SUV in the driveway. You, of course, drove separately, and will have to pour Jack into his carseat before you can go on your way. 

You’re going to the same place, but the team doesn’t need to know that. 

Jack barely stirs as you pull the seat belt around him. You pull the coats from Aaron’s arm and tuck them under his head, gingerly shutting the door after making sure he’s all propped up. 

You turn toward Aaron, facing the house as you embrace. There are three heads looking at you (with about as much subtlety as a brick to the face) out the living room window. They think they’re slick, but they can’t see Aaron’s hand creep up the back of your shirt or his mouth as he whispers. “I’ll see you at home.” 

I didn’t really realize how heavily this implied that they moved in together?  What I tried to emphasize was the idea that home is wherever Aaron and Jack are, not necessarily the apartment itself. 

The commentary that got excited about the fact that they’re moving in together did inspire me to get them to move in together, so then there’s that. Just another way yall inspire me and change this story around little by little with every installment :)

+++

Jack wakes you both early the next morning and you’re dragged by the hand into the living room while Aaron trails behind you both.

Little kids opening presents is truly a nightmare for any parent (or parent’s significant other) trying to get some of that good good before starting the day. 

They were SOL this morning, but don’t worry - they get what they’re after eventually. They always do. 

“Alright, Jack. What did you ask for?”

His lips press together, and he takes in the reasonable stack of presents under the tree. “I asked for a few things, but I wanted to ask for something else.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” You sit next to him, your legs folded under you, and put your arm around his waist while he loops his arms around your shoulders. Aaron’s taken up residence on the couch behind you, a trash bag in his hand. 

So efficient. 

Jack whispers into your ear, and his words bring a little smile to your face. 

Nobody ask me what Jack actually asked for verbatim, because I have no idea. It was probably like “I want us all to be a family” or “i want you to live with us all the time” or something like that, but that’s only fast and loose with the idea of it. 

I let the implications do all the talking, here. 

“I think that’s something you need to ask your dad for, bud.” 

His brow wrinkles. You nod encouragingly, turning him around and sending him to a very confused Aaron. Jack climbs up on the couch, and Aaron’s arms automatically wrap around him as he leans into his father’s side. He whispers, presumably, the same thing he said to you, judging from the little smile that pulls at the corner of Aaron’s mouth. 

“Yeah, Jack. I think I can make that happen. Let’s talk about it some more tomorrow, yeah?” 

Jack grins and jumps back down to you, looking over at his dad. “Can I open presents, now?”

Aaron nods, giving Jack permission to immediately tear into the bigger boxes under the tree. You rise and cross back to Aaron. He offers you his arm as you sit and you loop yours through his, holding onto the sleeve of his shirt - long-sleeved, on account of the weather. 

Another Hallmark moment. This pose is always so cinematic to me, with one partner leaning on the other, arms looped, holding hands or holding onto the base partner’s clothes. Ugh. So cute. 

I sit like this with my mom all the time, so it’s kind of the default posture when I write two people who love each other sitting close together. 

“Did Jack tell you what else he wanted?”

Aaron tips his head to your shoulder, pressing a kiss to it before resting his temple against you. That’s enough of an answer for you. More cheating by not answering the question, Tali!! Nice!! Your cheek presses into his hair and you watch Jack unearth LEGO sets and a new bike helmet from his dad, and a new soccer ball with a practice net from you. He gets a couple more LEGO sets and a Wii game from his Aunt Jess. 

He’s thrilled with his haul, and he forces you both down to the floor to open your presents. 

From Jack, you get a framed photo. Jess took it while Aaron was in Pakistan and it’s one of your favorites. You’re both curled up in his bed wearing pajamas, reading a book together. His head rests under your chin, his arm around your waist as he falls asleep against you.

“Auntie Jess said you’d like that one and I picked the frame all by myself.” 

You smile up at him, opening your arms. He tucks into you and informs you it’s Dad’s turn. 

With your help, he put together a little scrapbook that covered the five months Aaron was away, as well as fun little photos of the two of them over the years. Aaron’s visibly affected, his right hand resting lightly over his mouth as he flips through the pages. 

The fact that we never actually got to see the home-life aftermath of Pakistan deSTROYED ME. So, I fixed it. 

His eyes are a little shiny when he looks at you first, then Jack. “Thanks, bud. I love it.” 

Jack smiles widely at him. “Look in the back!” 

In the back, indeed, is a new tie - royal blue, with tiny paisley detailing in white. You’re sure he has another one just like it in red, but narrow variety is the spice of life, right?

I got my dad ties for Christmas and his birthday for like...10 years straight. It’s wild that he pretended to like every single one. That’s love. 

Aaron opens his arms, and Jack scrambles off your lap and into his. They sit together for a minute, and you take the time to consolidate the rest of the presents. Four remain - two for you and two for Aaron. 

Jack shoves one of your gifts from Aaron at you, and you grin as you take it in your hands. It’s a little heavy, but fits neatly in your hands. You open it, and laugh out loud at what you find. 

A new ankle holster...you’re kidding. 

Shoutout to Kira for this gift idea!! @good-heavens-chris-evans

“Aaron, thank you!” 

He huffs a laugh. “It’ll fit your Baretta - I know your old one was a little loose since you changed over from the Glock.” 

You nod. “Very thoughtful. I love it.”

At Aaron’s prompting, Jack passes you the second box. This one is small, oblong, and thin. You carefully tear the paper, and find a smooth wooden box, beautiful on its own, inside. Squinting skeptically at Aaron, you open the lid. Its contents take your breath. A simple, stunning bracelet with little green stones twinkles at you, nestled in wrapping paper inside the box. 

The bracelet was a total fluke idea, and I just ran with it. I’m now ridiculously attached to it and it will become some kind of symbolic device as we move forward, I think. 

“I found it at a market in Pakistan - it’s from Turkey, originally,  and thought you’d like it,” I’m Greek, so it hurt me a lil to make the bracelet from Turkey. However, thousands of years of tense relations don’t undermine the quality of Turkish silver - that shit is unmatched. I’ll never own any myself, but I can admire it from afar.  he says. He reaches for the box and you hand it over, stunned into silence. Taking your wrist in his hand, he puts it on for you. The early-morning light through the window and the string lights from the tree reflect off of it. A little smile plays at his mouth. “To my knowledge, it’s handmade.” 

You take a shaky breath, still looking at it. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

He ducks his head, almost shy, and you transfer your attention to his presents to save him the scrutiny. Jack, still the designated distributor, pulls the larger of Aaron’s presents toward him. It’s a decent-sized box, and Aaron leaves it on the floor to unwrap, neatly folding the paper as he goes. 

It’s a new go bag, with about a million pockets, wheels on one side, and kevlar lining. It won’t ever tear or break or otherwise fail him. You found it after seeing the state of his bag upon his return from Pakistan - the poor thing was basically in shreds, and he’d been making do with a backpack and a dumb little duffle ever since. 

I spare a thought for Aaron’s go bag every time I watch It Takes a Village because my God does that thing see some use. 

So, just like the rest of it, I’ve fixed that, too. 

The second of the two gifts is much smaller, and almost embarrassingly sentimental. He opens it, slipping the ribbons off and neatly tearing at the tape lines. 

You see his sharp inhale before you hear it. He pats Jack’s shoulder, and the boy returns to your lap. His hands trace over the cover, opening it and reading the notes inside. The first, in blue pen, is his own handwriting. 

Miss Haley Brooks, 

Happy 25th Birthday, my darling. I figured it was high time you had a copy of my favorite novel. A selfish gift, sure, but at least I mailed it on time this year. 

Love you. Miss you. A. Hotch, 1995

In the original, these are all written in different fonts! Aaron’s was Architect’s Daughter, Haley’s was Dancing Script, and Reader’s wasn’t any different from the body text. 

Then, below it, in an elegant black scrawl: 

Happy Birthday, Newbie!

Hotch told me you were looking for new reading material for the plane, so I figured I’d give you both a book and a key to Hotch’s good side, all in one. 

Enjoy 25! I sure did. 

Good luck! Haley, 2007

Finally, a new note, dated December 25th, 2011. 

Aaron - 

Thought it was time for this to come home. Merry Christmas.

I love you. 

It’s the paperback copy of Catch-22 he gave Haley for her 25th birthday, when he was working for the US Attorney’s office in Washington D.C. and she was still in her Master’s program. You’d kept it all these years, simultaneously unable to part with it and waiting for the right opportunity to return it to Aaron. 

I think Catch-22 is such an Aaron book. It’s nothing I can really eloquently articulate, but the energy is very much Hotch to a T for me. 

This gift was EJ’s idea!! Thanks EJ!! @forgottenword

It was an ancient copy, and you suspected Aaron owned it long before he passed it on to Haley. 

Aaron’s still quiet. Jack’s still tucked into your lap.

“I didn’t know she gave it to you. I asked, and she told me she’d given it to a friend. Never thought to ask who.” His voice is quiet, almost reverent. He looks up at you, and you can definitely see the mist in his eyes now. “Thank you for this.” The book rises in his hand and he waves it a little before dropping it back in his lap. 

I also wanted to establish a little of Haley and Reader’s friendship here, however short-lived. I wanted the grief when we lost her to extend past Aaron and into their little family unit. I wanted to give Aaron someone who would understand the dynamics of Haley’s loss in a different way. 

You run your hands through Jack’s hair, your bracelet catching the light. 

+++

The rest of Christmas is fairly uneventful - you and Aaron handle breakfast with Jack, and Jessica stops by in the afternoon. You stop back at your house to make a couple of phone calls after dinner - touching base with the people you love where you can. 

When you return to the Hotchner apartment later that evening, Jack is already in bed. 

Aaron greets you with a kiss at the door and you spend a moment in his arms, your fingers resting lightly on his shoulders. The silence is peaceful, easy. 

He presses a series of kisses up your cheek and over your temple. You laugh, tucking into him to avoid the onslaught. 

Leaning back, you meet his eyes. “Good day?”

“Good day.” He smiles at you - one of those close-mouthed, squinty-eyed ones you love. “Ready for bed?”

This was one of those little moments for me. You know when people who love each other sometimes use really good, simple words to convey really big things? Yeah. That. 

There’s something on his mind, and you’re sure he’ll tell you once you get settled. You nod, letting him take you by the hand to the back bedroom. 

He shuts the door behind you and backs you into it, caging you in with his body. You kiss him, sucking lightly on his lower lip. His hands are everywhere, removing your clothes with a soft kind of reverence. 

There’s a sweetness when you fall into bed together, taking notes from the snow-laden night outside. It seems to be holding its breath - hushed and muted under a quiet sky. 

+++

He tosses you a pair of your pajama pants from the top drawer of his dresser after you shower and clean up (whether you re-dirtied yourselves in the shower is beside the point), and you settle into your learned rhythm. He gets into his pajamas while you brush your teeth, and then you switch. You inevitably land back in bed before he does, waiting for him as usual. 

More establishing the normalcy of their relationship!!! This was a super important addition to me - also added much later. It used to end at the section right before this, but I really wanted to show the way they operate together when nobody’s watching them and they’re safe at home. 

When he’s done in the bathroom, he throws himself on the bed beside you with a heavy sigh. 

“I can hear you thinking, Hotchner.” You roll toward him, tucking the covers up around your shoulders. 

He turns his head to look at you, lacing his fingers behind his head. There’s more going on behind his eyes than you originally thought, and you’d be nervous if you didn’t know better. “Did Jack tell you what else he wanted today?”

You nod, waiting on him. 

“What do you think?”

Scooting over, you curl up against him with your head on his chest. Even though he’s on top of the covers, he drops his arms, wrapping them around you. “I think he’s got the right idea.” 

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.” 

He rolls over, and his lips are on yours before you can blink. With a surprised little noise, you smile against him and wind your fingers into his hair. It stays fairly slow, but that doesn’t stop the heat curling through your chest and belly. 

Haven’t you had enough? 

Never. Never. Never. 

You can’t help but enjoy him. He’s good at just about everything. “Aaron,” you whisper. Immediately, he pulls back, watching you with a knit brow. “What time is it?”

With a little laugh, he turns around to look at his bedside clock. “Just after one. Why?”

“Do you think we can remember the date?”

After I figured out they started dating on the 26th, I had to figure out how to fill the time between the evening of the 25th and the 26th. Initially, I was going to let them have this conversation over breakfast, but I also know these two never shut up when they’re in bed together, so it seemed as good a time as any. 

Also, I added some implied good-good grown-up time to fill the space between like...10pm and midnight. Sue me. 

You can tell he’s not exactly following, but he’s willing to hang in and figure it out. “December 26th? Yeah. Why?”

It’s ridiculous, but you feel suddenly shy. “I just think it’s an alright anniversary date, don’t you?”

Realization dawns on his face, and he attacks your lips again, unable to keep the smile out of his kisses. You laugh, throwing the covers off and climbing over him. You don’t really have an agenda, but the lack of contact after your romp was driving you nuts. He looks up at you, taking your face in his hands. “You wanna do this?”

You nod. “Yeah. I do.” 

“And you’re in it for the long haul with us, right?” You can see the nerves pulling at his brows, the latent insecurity creeping into his face. “Me and Jack?”

Say it with me, kids! Aaron is insecure about being an older, single dad and Reader must always reassure him at this point in their story. There’s more to come on that front, too. 

Soothing it as best you can, you reply. “Yeah. I’m in if you are, Aaron. For real. For you and Jack.” 

He takes a huge breath. With a start, you realize he’s not really able to speak. His lips press into a thin line, and for the third time that day, tears threaten at the corners of his eyes. 

Nothing shocks Aaron more than the idea that someone wants him, loves him, and wants to stay with him. Haley like...fucked him up. He’s also got some of that insecurity and doubt built into his character, so I like to thing even with Haley he didn’t feel good enough, or deserving. The way the divorce went down probably left him feeling like he was right all along. 

You drop down, laying yourself flush against him. “I love you, you big idiot.” 

Your ridiculous comment has the intended effect - he laughs a little. It’s watery, but he wraps his arms around you again and kisses the top of your head. “I love you so much.” 

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to make up my damn mind.” 

He shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you did.” 

“I mean,” you continue, “I already kind of had my mind made up, but I was really scared it would become real real.” You tip your head up, propping your hands under your chin. “I forgive you for everything. I do. That’s really all I needed to figure out.” 

It’s also important to me to establish the way they fight and forgive each other - the push and pull of it. There’s a lot of that in life, and I wanted to demonstrate that as much as I could. 

One of the things I wanted to emphasize by keeping them in this kind of liminal state for a couple of months was the importance of trust. Reader didn’t completely trust Hotch when he got back from Pakistan, and that thought alone was super unnerving. So even the concept of a lack of trust deepened the problem itself, if that makes sense. (It’s one of those “if you have to ask” moments - like the very premise of the problem is actually the thing you have a problem with.) 

I have no idea if I’m making any sense at all lmao. 

He hauls you both up, and you find yourself straddling his lap with his hands laced together at your lower back. “Thank you.”

You frame his face with your hands, your fingers tracing over his cheekbones. Corrupting the silence of the moment seems wrong, and you’re afraid you’ll say something stupid if you open your mouth again. 

He leans forward, and you catch him, pressing your forehead against his. There are two words floating through his head, but they’re too much, too soon, too big. So, he settles for three. “I love you.” 

We picked up on what those two words were, right? It’s a big question, and it’ll happen eventually, but I wanted to lay the groundwork for how early on Hotch knew that he was done. It’s one of those Jim and Pam “I bought [the engagement ring] a week after we started dating.” 

He just knows. And that’s super cool. He won’t actually do it for another two years, but its super cool. 

+++

This scene was also a last minute addition because even with dinner, it still felt too short. 

The next afternoon, you pack up the car with Jack’s other present he gets to open with the family, as well as your present for Henry and another for Penelope. 

It’s tradition that you all draw names out of a hat for each other - there are far too many of you to get gifts for each other willy-nilly, so Aaron put a system in place after Penelope suggested it. That way, everyone gets one gift, and the kids get presents from all the grown ups. 

The kids are delighted, and the adults aren’t completely broke by the end of it. 

This is how we do Christmas presents in my family! There are so many cousins that we have to draw names or otherwise it gets ridiculous and people get offended lmao. 

Stepping back into Dave’s house for the second time in as many days, you were immediately bombarded by Henry, itching to get his hands on your present. 

“Alright, kiddo, you’ve got one here from me and one here from your Uncle Hotch, okay?”

He nods, taking both unwieldy boxes into his arms. On little legs, he trots over and places them under the tree. Aaron takes Jack’s and Penelope’s presents out of your hands and you snag Jack’s sleeve as he passes you, crouching beside him. 

“Remember what we talked about, right? We don’t want Henry to feel left out okay, so as far as he’s concerned, this is the first and only present you got from me this year, right?”

He nods, grinning. 

“Good boy.” You pat his shoulder, and he presses a lighting-quick kiss to your cheek before jetting off to the living room. 

It’s always fun to watch Jack and Henry open presents. They’re thrilled, and more than once Jack runs up to you to show off whatever he’s got. 

You’re on the arm of the couch beside Aaron, with Penelope on the floor at your feet and Derek in the chair next to you. Eventually, it’s time for the grown-ups to open their presents. 

Derek goes first, with a present from Spencer. Inside the beautifully-wrapped box (you suspect JJ’s handiwork) is a new pair of headphones. 

Penelope opens your present - a new feather-topped pen and a whimsical mug from a case in San Francisco a few months ago, as well as a new security key for her numerous external hard-drives. 

Emily gets a gorgeous maroon scarf from Penelope and gifts a new pistol grip and toolbox to Will, while JJ receives a bottle of her favorite expensive wine and a new set of frames for the photos on her desk from Aaron. 

JJ gets Aaron a new coffee maker for the apartment - he’s thrilled - and Spencer opens his first-edition copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from Dave with much fanfare. 

You open your box from Derek, and it’s a new set of fleece pajamas and a blanket for the plane. He leans into you, and you kiss the top of his head by way of thanks. 

Figuring out what to get everyone was a NIGHTMARE, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own!!!

The afternoon is full of leftovers and laughter. After much begging, the kids wiggle another Christmas movie out of their parents, and you settle in for the duration. 

Aaron covers you in a blanket as the sun sets, and you take the opportunity to gather Derek closer to you for the excuse to lean into Aaron. Under the blanket, you take his hand. His fingers pass back and forth over your knuckles. 

If anyone asks, your distraction is the result of the snow falling outside. 

+++

“No way!” Jack launches himself out of his chair and throws himself into his dad’s arms. “Really?”

“Really.” Aaron finds himself laughing as he looks over at you. “Is it okay if we all spend a little more time together, the three of us?” 

Jack whips his head around to look at you, and you move into the chair he previously occupied, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay having me around with your dad, bud?”

A grin breaks out across his face. “Yeah! It’s just what I asked for!” 

Aaron does a great job re-emphasizing the importance of keeping this just special for the three of you. Jack is completely on board - he completely understands that all the grown-ups are in each other’s business all the time, and sometimes it's nice to keep things to yourself for a little bit of peace. 

Discretion is no new concept to the Hotchner household, and for that, you’re grateful.

That concludes our director’s commentary! Up next, I have a request to do some commentary on Metanoia, so that one will be up sometime this weekend. 

[maybankiara]

I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND, BUT I WAS TERRIFIED OF LOVE

pairing: Sarah Cameron x Kiara Carrera

summary: It takes Kiara a little too long to realise that it’s not John B she loves, it’s Sarah, instead. Based on the song Girl Crush. 

word count: 5.2k

warnings: slight cussing, cannabis use, underage drinking.

additional: pining, fluff, gay angst, and a lil bit of mayward on the side because it was too good not to include it. i based this off the actual interpretation of the song, in which the narrator is jealous of the girl her ex is dating, not in love with her. except maybe...in this case, maybe she’s jealous of the boy, after all.

also, idk what’s the game that jj and kiara play at the beginning, it came to my mind and it’s basically the pogue version of “true or false” except you just say “poke” and then say whatever statement you think is true.

masterlist

read on archive of our own

Kiara has liked John B for as long as she can remember. Well, not really, but long enough for that to become a thing that she just associates with herself.

  Kiara Carrera likes John Booker Routledge. That’s all.

  For years, she has taken this for granted. Sure, she is in love with one of her best friends, but it doesn’t matter, because they are all in love with one another, at least a little bit. She loves JJ and his disgusting sense of humour that never fails to make her laugh; Pope’s dedication to his academics and how much he always relaxes around the Pogues; and John B’s ability to get them all to do stupid things they shouldn’t be doing.

  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’s okay with things never changing, because she doesn’t want them to. If she were to lose her Pogues, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself – who is Kiara Carrera without her closest friends?

  It’s this kind of love that Kiara values over any other.

  And it’s fine, perfectly fine, until John B begins dating Sarah Cameron and things change.

  That’s also about the moment that Kiara realises that shit, i’m in love with john b.

  JJ is the one who notices it first. They’re sitting at the porch of the Chateau, waiting for John B to come back from his first date with the infamous Sarah Cameron. They’ve all heard about her – a Kook, a rich bitch from the wealthy side of the island. The Kooks stay off the Cut. They Kooks only date Kooks.

  Pope’s away, studying for whatever it is this time. He made Kiara and JJ promise they’d call as soon as John B’s back, so it’s just the two of them.

  Kiara’s fingers trace shapes in the dust covering the wooden planks. They’re doodles, nothing in particular, and the smell of weed fills her nostrils.

  ‘What’s up with you?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she responds, not taking her eyes off the floor.

  She hears JJ shift and sees him rest against the outer wall of the house, legs propped up on the couch. ‘You’ve been moody.’

  ‘Don’t call me moody.’

  ‘See?’

  Kiara throws a bit of dust at him, but it doesn’t reach him. She huffs, crossing her arms on her chest, and leans her back against the wall, too.

  JJ grins. ‘I’ll poke.’

  ‘Don’t poke.’

  ‘Poke.’ He throws a toothpick at her. ‘You’re stressed out about school.’

  Kiara frowns and an airy laughs escapes her, scratching at the tension within her. ‘No.’

  ‘Poke.’ JJ throws another toothpick and grins at her, widely, shifting his legs until they’re almost in her lap. She pushes them off, but he puts them back there, and she just gives up. ‘You’re stressed because Pope is stressed.’

  ‘That doesn’t even make sense.’

  ‘It does. You’re empathetic. It makes sense!’

  ‘Well,’ she sighs, ‘it’s not it.’

  JJ nods. ‘So there is something.’

  The air is filled with yet another cloud of smoke, and Kiara almost gives in to the feeling. She’s been feeling a little agitated lately for whatever reason, and the idea of smoking while not being completely herself doesn’t sound appealing.

  ‘Poke,’ he says. The joint is hanging between his lips and he’s sprawled across the floor, and it would make her laugh if it wasn’t something she sees every single day. ‘You’re upset about John B.’

  Kiara shakes her head, but there’s something off about that. She turns her gaze away from JJ and begins playing with his shoelaces, instead.

  He pulls his legs before she has the chance to. He’s looking at her in bewilderment, his mouth agape. ‘Holy shit. That’s it.’

  ‘It’s not.’

  ‘You’re blushing. It’s John B.’

  ‘It’s not John B,’ insists Kiara.

  ‘Poke,’ JJ says. ‘You’re upset because he’s with Sarah Cameron.’

  ‘No—’

  ‘Poke. You’re jealous.’

  ‘I’m not jealous!’ she snaps, finally. Her cheeks are burning hot and it’s not embarrassment, regardless of what JJ might thing. She shoots him a glare, her chest heaving. ‘I just don’t like the idea of a Kook infiltrating our circle.’

  JJ nods, putting on a serious face, even if you can see beneath it. He smokes the last of his joint and flicks the butt, puffing the smoke in Kiara’s face.

  ‘Whatever you say, Kie.’

  What he gets in return is a middle finger, and the conversation shifts to something else. It’s only when they hear John B’s van pulling up that JJ gives her the look, but she gives him the same so it stays between the two of them. JJ is a snitch, between the Pogues, but this is a line he wouldn’t cross.

  Not when it’s about two of his three best friends.

  Except John B doesn’t walk out of the van alone, and if she had any hope of things between the Pogues not changing, it all falls into water when Sarah Cameron walks over to Kiara and JJ, holding John B’s hand.

  Kiara feels as if she’s about to combust.

  Weeks later, the ongoing war between her and Sarah is the new Pogue thing. Kiara manages to convince them it’s about the whole Kook thing—‘She’s not like me. Kook’s a Kook and I was never one’—and they all buy it, apart from JJ. Sometimes she think how they never give JJ enough credit for how smart and perceptive he actually is.

  John B doesn’t notice. Pope doesn’t really care. He mostly makes bets with JJ on who’ll win each argument, and how long it’ll take John B to realise that he should probably choose between the two girls.

  Thing is, JJ didn’t get it right – Kiara isn’t jealous. Pope is the one to notice that first, when things click for him.

  The two of them are lying on a hammock at the Chateau, legs intertwined. It’s a breezy March evening and they’re wrapped up in a blanket. Not too far from them, John B and Sarah are cozied up on the couch. He has her arms around him and she’s leaning into his neck, his fingers playing with the tips of her hair. JJ is off somewhere, probably taking his “me time”.

  Pope shifts in the hammock. Kiara feels the movement and it’s sudden, and when she looks at him, his eyes are squinted and lips curious.

  ‘You like John B,’ he says.

  Kiara just runs a hand through her hair, pulling her lips into her mouth. She doesn’t know what to say.

  ‘Shit. You actually like him.’ Pope stares at you with a hand clasped over his mouth, eyes wide in shock. ‘How long?’

  ‘Not long,’ she admits. ‘It’s because of Sarah.’

  Pope nods, as if he understands. ‘Because you were enemies in school.’

  ‘No—’ Kiara begins, but then her face falls and she grunts, throwing her head back. ‘Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. Sarah always hated me.’

  ‘You never really told us about your Kook year, you know.’

  ‘It’s just…’ Kiara sighs, tugging at a loose string in the hammock. ‘Sarah and I were really close in the beginning, and then she shut me off. She started hating me. And I don’t like her, okay? I don’t and I never will.’

  ‘Is that the whole story?’

  ‘I guess. No. I don’t know. We were best friends. She came up to me, the most popular girl in the school, the prettiest one, and asked me if I want to save turtles with her.’ Kiara glances at where the blonde is sitting – the sight of John B and her ex-best friend doesn’t sit right with her. ‘It was the best day of my life.’

  Pope is quiet for a bit. Sarah’s giggle reaches the two of them and Kiara finally looks away, towards the other side, out to the sea. Its calmness is the opposite of the buzz of her own feelings inside her chest. There’s something about the whole situation that screams WRONG, and it’s more than just John B being with a girl who used to call her best friend then broke her heart.

  When Pope takes her hand, it’s sweet and comforting. He doesn’t smile, but she feels it, anyway.

  ‘How does it feel?’ he asks. ‘When you look at them?’

  Kiara shudders. The image pops up in her mind before she manages to stop it – John B and Sarah, standing in the kitchen, not noticing Kiara walk into the living room. His hands are on her waist, pulling her close to him, and his lips are pressed against Sarah’s forehead, his eyes closed. Her hands are wrapped around his torso and it looks so domestic, so… Kiara can’t even find the words.

  There’s a thought, though, and the thought comes suddenly, when John B leans and kisses Sarah’s lips. The thought is wondering what Sarah’s lips taste like – do they taste like him? Or do they taste like Sarah, still?

  Kiara shakes herself out of the moment, unable to suppress the shudder that runs through her. She knows Pope feels it, but he doesn’t comment on it, and she’s grateful.

  She looks at her friend, wondering if he can see right through her. ‘I just wonder what it feels like. To be her.’

  Pope nods as if he understands, and Kiara thinks that maybe he does. She’s seen the way he looks at JJ and the girls he’s with.

  Maybe the two of them are not so different, after all.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says.

  Kiara gives him a sad smile. ‘Me, too.’

  She wonders if he understands what she means.

  It’s almost May when things start getting stressful. It’s finals time for the Pogues at Kildare High School and also for Kiara and Sarah at the Kook Academy. This is what the rest of their lives depend on – it comes as no surprise that John B and Sarah are in a constant state of arguing and making up, each cycle more passionate.

  Safe to say, it drives the Pogues insane. They’re studying at Pope’s, mostly, as Heyward said he prefers to have his son under his roof when the situation’s as important as this. Kiara and Pope manage to get JJ to concentrate more than usual, adapting their own studying tactics to JJ’s ADHD.

  They’ve begun to ignore John B’s cries about Sarah being mean to him, or how they’re on the verge of breaking up. It’s mean, a little, and Kiara thinks she should care a little more, but she finds herself non unsatisfied that this is the situation.

  She doesn’t think either of them are happy.

  One of many stress-filled Fridays rolls around and they take a break from studying, chilling in John B’s living room. JJ has a joint between his teeth, despite John B saying his dad’s going to complain about the smell. His legs are propped up on Pope’s lap, inconspicuously, but Kiara can see the tension in Pope’s neck.

  She wonders if she has those little tells, too, when she looks at John B and Sarah.

  Her gaze shifts to them and she feels her stomach twisting in on itself. Sarah’s half-sitting in John B’s lap, her bare legs peeking out of the blanket. She’s freshly shaven – Kiara finds herself trying to guess if it feels as soft as it looks, and what John B’s fingers must feel like on them.

  JJ’s laugh breaks Kiara out of her trance. She laughs, too, because when she turns her head, JJ’s upper half is on the floor and Pope’s holding onto his feet, looking mildly inconvenienced.

  ‘Asshole,’ Pope mutters.

  The Pogues laugh and JJ blows him a kiss, making himself comfortable on the floor. Kiara notices the twitch of Pope’s ear, the one specific tell he has – he doesn’t blush, not really, but his ears twitch.

  She laughs, a bit longer than everyone else. Pope glances at her and she shakes her head. ‘Y’all are idiots.’

  Behind her, Sarah laughs, too. It’s a sound lower than she’d except, and she still hasn’t gotten used to it, months later. Kiara glances at her and catches the girl smiling at her, resting her cheek against John B’s shoulder.

  Kiara looks away. It hurts too much.

  It’s Pope who holds her gaze and he gives her this half-smile that almost breaks her heart. Somewhere along the line, they realised both of them are just pining after people they shouldn’t like that way.

  But Pope smiles when JJ tries to kick him in the chin, helps him get up, and JJ smacks a kiss on his cheek. It’s not the same, it’s not what Pope wants, but it’s more than she could ever get. JJ only has eyes for the Pogues, and Pope is getting the most of his affection – John B only has eyes for Sarah.

  It’s not like she can blame him. Still, she can’t help but think about Sarah’s golden hair, soft over her shoulder; she wonders what keeps John B kissing her. Does she kiss good? Is she good with her tongue, with her lips, with her words? She wonders what it feels like to run her fingers through Sarah’s hair, letting them rest on her neck.

  She just wants to know what’s so special about her.

  This time, when she glances at Sarah, it hurts as much as any other.

  But not as much as it does when they break up, not even three days later, and Kiara ends up being the one consoling Sarah. It’s awkward, at first, because Kiara still kind of resents her for what happened freshman year. The two of them are sitting on the floor of Sarah’s bed, listening to Frank Ocean because apparently that’s what straight white girls listen to after a breakup.

  Kiara is drawing. She’s doodling in her notebook, wishing she could be studying, but knows that Sarah needs her. They’ve only recently learned that most of Sarah’s friend didn’t support her relationship with John B and her friendship with the Pogues, and she was more alone than ever.

  like i was first year, Kiara thinks.

  Sarah glances at her. She’s sitting with her back against the bed, legs pressed close to her chest, arms wrapped around them. Her face is sour, tearful, but there are no tears on it.

  Kiara puts down her notebook, sighing. ‘I don’t get why you asked for me. You don’t like me, I don’t like you.’

  ‘I never said I don’t like you.’ Sarah’s voice is quiet, miles away from the usual girl. She looks almost guilty; something bubbles in Kiara’s chest, but she pushes it down.

  ‘You didn’t invite me to your birthday party.’

  ‘Are you talking about my sixteenth birthday?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Kie, that was two years ago,’ she says, voice breathy from shock. Her head’s tilted and lips parted, eyebrows making the slightest of movements. ‘Is that why?’

  she doesn’t understand, Kiara realises. ‘You cast me out, Sarah. We were best friends. The day we met is one of the best days of my life. And then, you just—’

  Kiara pauses, because she can feel she’s about to say things she could regret. She focuses on her breathing and relaxes it, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. She doesn’t drop Sarah’s gaze, but Sarah’s eyes lower and she’s staring at the floor.

  This is the first time a tear slides down the girl’s cheek, after all she’s been through.

  She sniffles and smiles through whatever it is she’s feeling. ‘I have—’ she pauses, clearing her throat. When she locks eyes with Kiara, there’s something different in them – something she saw in Pope’s eyes all those months ago. Understanding. ‘Do you know why I broke up with John B?’

  Kiara shakes her head.

  The smile that Sarah gives her is sad, but not a devastated kind of sad. It’s the sad that glows in sunlight, that looks almost golden, that makes your eyes tear up because it’s too intense. It’s not inherently negative, but it’s full of emotion, hidden beneath a sheer exterior.

  ‘I can’t stand it when people like me. Not like you liked me,’ Sarah says, her voice barely louder than a whisper. ‘I push them away. I thought it was different with John B, but I couldn’t— I was wrong. It wasn’t John B.’

  There’s a moment of silence, and Kiara feels as if there’s something more going on. She knows, vaguely, of the conversation that took place prior to Sarah giving her a phone call and asking her to come over. It was Sarah’s call to end the relationship, and both of them seemed kind of certain that it ended for good.

  Suddenly, the idea of Sarah not being at the Chateau, with the Pogues, seems almost impossible. It feels like a vision from a different world – a world that somehow doesn’t seem right, not anymore.

  Kiara takes her eyes off the blonde. Her eyes fall on the sketchbook, where his hand has been tracing a shape, and she realises it’s not a shape, but a person.

  She closes the notebook. Her throat is dry and Sarah is looking at her, and maybe the silence between them is a little too loud.

  ‘You were my best friend,’ she finally said. ‘Of course I liked you.’

  Sarah holds her gaze, unwavering, lips slightly pursed. She doesn’t say anything after that, not for a long time. But whatever’s going through her mind ends, and she relaxes her hands, letting them fall next to you. Her head’s tilted and her smile is small, sympathetic.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she tells Kiara. ‘I really am. It wasn’t the right thing to do. But I just want you to know that I’m happy we got the chance to try again.’

  It’s risky, and Kiara can’t believe she’s doing this, but she nods. ‘Promise you aren’t going to bail on me this time?’

  Sarah smiles, and it’s bright, the usual smile she gives people when she’s herself, for the first time since Kiara arrived to the Cameron mansion. ‘I promise not to bail on you, Kiara Carrera.’

  And she doesn’t. Things end on a good note between her and John B – turns out while Sarah was the one who instigated it, it was bound to happen, much like the Pogues predicted. Kiara goes over to the Chateau once Sarah’s better, and she finds the boys drunk, playing some drinking games she’s never heard of.

  JJ pulls her into a hug the moment she arrives, and it’s almost unexpected how carefully he’s holding her.

  ‘Don’t do anything I would do,’ he whispers in her ear.

  Kiara smiles against his cheek, giving it a light kiss. ‘Don’t worry, J. I’m not you.’

  She sits on the couch and asks John B how he’s doing, and he pulls her into a hug. Pope catches her gaze, and his eyebrows shoot, glancing at her hands wrapped around John B’s neck.

  ‘Thanks for coming,’ John B says.

  Kiara ruffles his hair, laughing lightly. ‘Of course. You’re my best friend.’

  Pope and JJ stare, waiting for something—anything—to happen, except it doesn’t. They’re the Pogues, drinking beer in John B’s living room, helping one of them to put himself together, and that’s all there is.

  They continue playing games, they give Kiara some beer, too, and it’s a fun night. John B doesn’t seem too beat up about the situation, which makes her happy, but that’s all it does. She doesn’t feel relief that he’s now single; she doesn’t feel the need to jump at him now that she has the opportunity.

  Instead, her eyes glance to John B’s right side, which is where Sarah’s head would usually rest; his arm isn’t wrapped around anyone’s torso, and it feels almost like there’s something missing.

  JJ is the one who catches her looking, but she doesn’t notice. It’s the expression on her face that makes him wonder; the way her eyes are gazing at the spot that used to be someone’s, almost tearfully, her smile shallower than it used to be.

  Pope notices and Kiara notices him looking, because he’s sitting right across from her. The tilt of his head is asking her if she’s okay, and she nods, giving him a smile.

  She is. She doesn’t have a reason not to be.

  This is what she’s wanted all along, right?

  But she can’t help the way her stomach flips when she looks over to where Sarah should be, and how she feels the empty space as if it were her own.

  JJ notices. And JJ brings it up, a few days later, when they’re finally alone. He’s sitting in her bedroom as they wait for Pope to join their study group, having been held back by Heyward. JJ is spread across her bed but his feet are in her lap, unwilling to be anywhere other than people’s laps, apparently. The back of his head is propped up on his hands and he’s chewing a flower he plucked out of Kiara’s mom’s garden.

  He nudges his foot into Kiara’s stomach, forcing her to bring her attention off the textbook she’s reading. ‘I poked you.’

  Kiara sighs, closing the book. ‘What is it this time?’

  ‘You’re bothered about Sarah.’

  She looks at him, lips pursed, and gives him a slight nod. ‘She’s our friend. Obviously I’m bothered.’

  JJ frowns and purses his lips, mimicking her, and points a finger at her. ‘Poke. You’re upset because of more than that.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Poke. You know what I mean.’

  ‘No,’ Kiara insists, ‘I don’t.’

  His grin is wild and he has this face that says he’s in on the joke, on the secret, even if this time there’s no secret. ‘Poke. You miss Sarah Cameron.’

  ‘I do. So?’

  ‘Poke. You miss Sarah Cameron.’

  ‘You’ve just said it.’

  JJ’s grin grows bigger and he shifts around, until his feet are playfully bopping at your knees. He looks like a kid that’s having fun, and Kiara smiles against her will, rolling her eyes.

  ‘Poke.’ He props himself up on his elbows and clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. ‘You know that’s not what I mean, Kie.’

  Kiara shakes her head, finally pushing him off of her. ‘Wrong poke. And I’m done talking about this.’

  JJ opens his mouth to talk, but he’s interrupted by Pope who walks through the door already ranting about his dad’s strict measures of keeping him in check, and JJ’s attention to whatever he thinks is going on with Kie is gone immediately.

  She sees it, now, and understands it in a way she hasn’t before. Pope and JJ don’t need anyone else – they only have eyes for each other. Sure, JJ keeps his feet in her lap, too, but he’s gentler with Pope. He teases him more, they joke around more, but he also seems more playful, brighter.

  It’s not something Pope notices, of course, and Kiara wonders if she should intervene.

  But it’s not her decision to make, so she doesn’t. Instead, she revels in the appreciation they have for one another, and doesn’t stop to wonder why it makes her think of Sarah’s golden smile when she said Kiara liked her.

  In fact, she doesn’t think of her and JJ’s conversation until mid June, the day before Midsummer’s. Sarah takes her dress shopping, after the two girls have been spending quite some time together. The blonde has held onto her promise on not giving up on their friendship and Kiara appreciates it more than she could let her know.

  Well, she does, by going shopping with her, and letting Sarah try to find her the ideal dress for Midsummer’s.

  It’s a fun day. The Pogues are all working at the event and Kiara knows it’s going to be odd for her and Sarah to be on the other side of the food chain, but that’s the way it is in Kildare.

  They’re shopping in Chapel Hill and they’re on a ferry home, when Sarah leans her head against Kiara’s shoulder.

  It’s sudden and unexpected; Kiara fights the need to shudder. Her mouth opens to ask something, but her voice betrays her – what is she even going to ask? This is something JJ does all the time, something John B has done before, and Pope must’ve, too. She had girl friends when she was younger and they’d all do this thing.

  It’s normal. It’s perfectly normal and unexpected – they’re friends after all.

  She relaxes her shoulders slowly, hoping Sarah doesn’t notice. It’s a warm and sunny day, but there’s a breeze and she feels the scent of Sarah’s perfume. It’s sweet, just like a summer day, with a dash of some flowery scent in it. It’s her shampoo, Kiara realises, and her hair is just as soft as she thought it would be.

  Before she realises what she’s doing, her hand slides around Sarah’s shoulder. Her skin is warm underneath Kiara’s fingertips and Sarah relaxes into the touch.

  Neither of them talks for the rest of the ride.

  When they get off, Sarah chats as usual, as if nothing has happened, and Kiara begins to wonder why she’s having to convince herself that yes, she’s right, nothing happened.

  They drop off the clothes at Sarah’s house, since that’s where they’ll be getting ready tomorrow, and Sarah offers to give her a ride home – except she doesn’t drive her home.

  She drives her to the far north of the island. It’s a sandy beach, not far from Sarah’s home, and it’s just a little further from where most of the Kooks go for tanning. Golf courts aren’t too far away, either, but that’s not why Kiara gasps quietly when she finally realises where they are.

  ‘This is where we helped the turtles hatch.’

  Sarah nods, turning the key and taking it out of the ignition. She spares Kiara a brief glance before she’s out of the car, the door slamming behind her.

  what the fuck is going on crosses Kiara’s mind, but she follows her friend out of the car.

  The blonde is walking ahead and Kiara runs a little in order to catch up with her. The sound of her feet in the sand is louder than she’d like, but it doesn’t matter, because it makes Sarah laugh.

  They take a seat next to the ocean that’s still, only the moon shining above it. There’s a lighthouse on a small island in front of them, too far to be loud enough to disturb them.

  It’s almost as if the only sounds Kiara can hear are the ocean, Sarah’s rhythmic breathing, and her own heart pounding in her chest.

  ‘It was the best day of my life, too,’ Sarah says, staring out into the ocean. ‘I didn’t know it at the time.’

  Kiara’s fingers begin drawing shapes in the sand. ‘Happens.’

  ‘Kie.’

  When she looks up, the intensity of Sarah’s gaze is almost too much for her to bear. It’s almost as if there’s every single emotion pushed into a single glance, and sometimes Kiara thinks Sarah is too powerful for her own good.

  It’s also somewhere about this moment that Kiara’s eyes glance to Sarah’s lips and she begins to wonder how they’d feel when being kissed, if they’d move in the same rhythm as hers. It’s also somewhere about this moment that Kiara realises that she’s not thinking about John B kissing her, and it probably never was about John B kissing her, in the first place.

  It wasn’t Sarah she was jealous of. All these touches she kept imagining, forbidden and quiet in her head, masked as through the lenses of John B – she didn’t want to be with John B, she wanted to be him.

  oh is just about the only coherent thought in Kiara Carrera’s brain in that moment. Because Kiara Carrera does not and has not liked John Booker Routledge.

  It’s been the blonde girl she thought she was jealous of, and that’s been the problem the whole time, and Kiara wonders how long?

  The ocean is dancing in the quiet and Sarah’s breaths are quiet and Kiara’s mind is quiet and all she can think about is all the thoughts she’s had for the past months—no, years—and they’re rewriting themselves, to be the truth, to stop fitting the narrative she thought she was living.

  JJ’s telling her she’s upset about John B dating Sarah, a joint in his mouth, poking the guess at her. Pope holding her hand as they talk about her situation, which is also the moment she realises his situation regarding JJ, and it makes sense how she knew it felt the same. JJ is on her bed, flower in his mouth, poking the guesses at her, and this time he’s right when he says that she misses Sarah.

  The blonde bastard is probably the first one who figured it out.

  But then her mind wanders off to sitting on the floor in Sarah’s room, golden sunrays shining on the blonde girl, and Kiara figures it must just be the blonde instinct, because when Sarah said she stopped being friends with her because Kiara liked her, there was a misunderstanding.

  The oh comes again, and Kiara’s eyes are still staring at Sarah’s lips.

  Maybe a moment has passed since Sarah called her by her name. For Kiara, a lifetime has passed, a lifetime has changed.

  Sarah bows her head, catching Kiara’s gaze. ‘I pushed you away because I liked you, too.’

  A moment – that’s how long it takes for Kiara to press her lips against Sarah’s, her hand cupping the back of the girl’s stomach. It’s everything and nothing like she’s imagined, because it’s not John B kissing her, it’s Kiara, and it feels more earnest than any kisses between her and John B have.

  Sarah’s lips are soft and she still smells like the same perfume and shampoo, and she tastes like the food they had at the Wreck, but she also tastes sweet and like summer and she’s all summer days and summer nights and moments that never end.

  Their lips move in sync, brushing and colliding all at once, a dance that feels like second language. Kiara’s hands graze Sarah’s jaw, kissing the corner of her lips, and Sarah’s hands are underneath Kiara’s waist, underneath the shirt, and where her fingers touch bare skin, she leaves fire.

  When they part, they’re both out of breath, but they’re smiling and laughing and Kiara is savouring the moment, bottling it up, knowing this is the new best day of her life.

  She kisses Sarah, again, and again, and once more just because she can. It’s not something she thinks she’ll ever get tired of.

  ‘I thought I was jealous of you,’ she whispers into Sarah’s mouth, kissing it again. ‘I thought I just had a girl crush.’

  Sarah laughs, and it’s heavenly, and Kiara feels the flutters in her stomach and they’re not empty anymore because Sarah is here, right in front of her, all hers.

  Their lips brush again and it’s soft and it’s exploratory, and they’re both crossing a line they didn’t even realise was there, but it feels right. When Sarah laughs again and says ‘must’ve been one hell of a girl crush,’ Kiara kisses her until she’s too out of breath to laugh, and Kiara thinks that maybe she’s happy that John B took Sarah out on a date all those months ago, after all.

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[hallucinosims]

Wondering if you have any favorite newer simblr stories / storytellers? As I’ve read thru both those amazing stories by honeybodies and daniparadise multiple times lol

Ah yes… I have waited for a moment like this for eons. My friend, welcome to Hall’s library

I’ll start with complete storys (gens/arcs) and then tie it up with my fave ongoing ones yes this is a full rec like back in the fanfic days ya’ll are getting summaries and what I love about each one too. 

Complete

We’ll start with the fallen soldier of @simmerberlin

I say fallen soldier because Miles To Go was the last story simmerberlin put fully on tumblr due to Tumblr’s ban. It’s techinically a gen 2 but stands well on it’s own! But, if you have the chance ya’ll should read all her stories from when she moved to discord. Another benefit, it’s a little gay

Next, @lyrics-and-intoxication‘s Trouble (in this case part 1)

AHHHHHHHHH AHHHHH I HAVE REREAD PART 1 THREE TIMES AHHHHH OF COURSE I STILL READ IT AS IT GOES ON BECAUSE PART 2 IS STILL A THING BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS SO I JUST KEEP RE READING PART 1. Okay but real talk this is definitely one of the heavier ones (which is why I love it) so if you are faint of heart it may not be the one for you. It’s intense

Ya’ll all probably know the iconic @softpine’s Cameilla legacy by now

But not as many of you have been around for Caroline’s beginning character arc and that HITS DIFFERENT. Ya’ll need to experience Caroline growing up to be the mother she is today for everything that happened recently to really hurt (if you’re into that sort of thing) Anyway Cara deserves the world but don’t think for one second I forgot her teenage fashion sense

Wolfgang Munch’s arc but the lovely @gunthermunch

Ooh bitch. Ai was the first simmer that made me care about the Munch’s and is probably the only one tbh. Espescially Wolfgang, that shit ripped my heart out. So, if you’re into seeing the bleached scumbag turn into an alright father ex-punk who just wants to water his plants and hangs out with his niece then you’re in for a treat because despite my summary here a lot more happens and it HITS (This is a Cassandra Goth stan account she deserves the best)

Gen 2 @ratboysims

Now of course I like this whole legacy, and I know gen 4 is kinda on hiatus right now but Gen 2???? GEN 2??? THAT HURT! They loved each other so much!!!! (also has a little pocket story that involves a trans character! I don’t believe that’s finished but the couple of posts were lovely!)

Incomplete

Is it cheating if i say @liliithvatore?

Because she just restarted the story of the Vatores. IDK I’m here for it and love a good redux so I’m excited to see where it goes. You guys into tarot cards? Ya’ll like some vampires? Some tragedy? Well folks Hell or High Water is it for you

@weoaty and the fated Unusual Days

Unusual Days hasn’t even begun story posts yet but i have been waiting for unusual days for 500 YEARS AND I WILL WAIT 500 MORE 

@wanderlustonline and The Kolbs 

The Kolbs is more gameplay then story and its been a hot minute since she posted but we still stan Augie in this household so i had to. It’s aesthetic, there are cryptids. Literally what more could you want?

@zombietrait​ who hurts my feelings with every post these two aren’t together

Who’da thought Hugo and Malcolm would be a match made in heaven? Sure as hell not me. And yet here I am thinking about these two together and how much they deserve each other but can’t because CRIME SYNDICATES AND COOKING AND VAMPIRES AND THEY BOYS JUST DESERVE LOVE THEY WERE SO CLOSE 

BROKEN ROSE!!!!! I CAN’T REMEMBER THEIR USERNAME RIGHT NOW BUT IT DOESN’T GET THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES HOLY SHIT WILL UPDATE AS SOON AS I REMEMBER!!

General Rec

aka, a list of stories that i haven’t had the chance to REALLY get into yet but I’m excited for the prospect

@oakensky, @cyberth0t, @gremlinsims, @romanticsims, @saomie, @wonderscotts, @captainmrbored (i love their editing it’s so unique their stories are pretty short but absolutely worth it), @afternoonzephyr, @stillgotme, @streetlightaurora, @okruee, and more that will be updated with time that was just off the top of my head!

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!