#its a literal fucking marvel movie with boring marvel writing

[faelapis]

sorry but there's no real difference between pissing and whining about spiderverse's lack of nominations and pissing and whining about any other marvel movie's lack of nominations.

[xixovart]

whats up guys its mali and im back with more pjo headcanons

because i literally nEVER shut up

nico di angelo is bae and i would die for him

ok i know his hair is described as like shoulder length (i think idk) but we HAVE to consider nico with unbelievably long gorgeous hair i beg

estelle’s brother. no questions asked. i feel like nico and estelle would be a power duo to rival annabeth and thalia yeah i said it. percy says estelle cant have candy at night? nico sneaks a tootsie roll in her pillow case. nico helps her with her homework. nico fights her bullies. nico’s relationship with estelle is what a 10 y/o nico’s relationship could’ve been with percy. ykwim?  wine aunts nico and reyna we have to consider this

ok as a sequel nico is really good with kids. idk why. no one knows why. kids love him.

will has the absolute WORST sense of style mankind has ever bore witness to and nico is an unintentional fashion icon. nico genuinely doesn't care that his bf looks like a bad teen beach movie adaptation though it's ok.

youre lying to yourself if you think nico di freaking angelo wouldnt love dinosaurs as a kid

this child was the bane of maria di angelo’s existence. i swear. imagine maria fighting for her LIFE trying to give 3 year old nico a bath just for nico to IMMEDIATELY run outside and fall face first in the mud. imagine nico stealing money from maria and accidentally giving the gelato man a hundred bucks, maria being none the wiser. if you've ever watched full house toddler nico is very michelle coded.

i know its canon that he likes marvel (thx will kayla and austin) but i think he would REALLY love batman. i mean c'mon, it's nico. it's batman. they're soulmates. 

percy going into the redesigned cabin 13 for the first time have we considered his reaction?? “dang btch you live like this???” “what were you expecting” “idk weapons everywhere rock walls a waterfall for a door ig i was just picturing the batcave 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️”

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT NICO GOES TO PERSEPHONE’S GARDEN AND THAT ITS ONE OF HIS FAVORITE PLACES AND LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN.

nico is the modt sarcastic little gremlin to his dad (and everyone, but his dad especially). are uou seriously telling me he wouldn't annoy hades on purpose. let's be real here guys. nico prank calling his dad is the reason im alive. 

“is your… refrigerator running?”

“nico do not fucking start with me i have a headache”

“oh yeah i'm listening to really cool rock metal cool music rn totally” (old italian music blasting from his headphones)

this kid has a guy for EVERY occasion. imagine rhe weirdest situation you could possibly be in, nico knows a guy. “ok where are we gonna find a tap dancing elephant??” “i know a guy”

when he eats ambrosia it tastes like the blue birthday cake he shared with percy im not ok

“so we’re all 16 and none of us knows how to drive??” “i can get us there” “nico you’re like 13 years old.” “and european?? hand me the keys”

ok so you can expect he has unbelievably beautiful penmanship because he was raised in 1930’s italy and you are so right. looking at his writing is like a blessing 

im listening to a pearl by mitski rn and it reminds me of him im so sad

side note i think he would really like mitski

he seems like he would be afraid of clowns. don't ask about my thought process for this i just feel it ykwim

nico would get his shit ROCKED by a nerf gun

“wHY IS THE MICROWAVE SCREAMING AT ME” “nico that just means your food is done.”

i will NEVER shut up about nico di angelo’s accent. rolled r’s, hard i’s, speaking unbelievably fast and tripping over his words. italian!! “oh but mali, in house of hades the seven were surprised to learn nico was italian.'' first of all i love the seven but its rlly dumb of them not to notice nico was italian when his last name is DI ANGELO. second. a certain 11 year old nico trained himself out of his accent as a method for escapism, he wanted to flee his past and his family and his descent, and he wanted to fit in. of course he would hide his accent. his time at camp half blood (and ofc his quest with reyna, and jason’s acceptance of him) helped him start to embrace his heritage and past. when he started dating will, he ofc began to trust will more than anybody else. every so often, nico would let his guard down and let his accent slip. eventually, he started using it freely around everybody. i see this hc as a part of his growth and character development and even if it’s a small detail it means a lot to me.

he takes his curly hair routine VERY seriously

bushy eyebrows idk where this came fr9m just bear with me

nico uses disassociation as a coping mechanism a LOT. he’ll zone out at random for hours at a time and chb has a very strict rule about not bothering campers with ptsd when they’re disassociated unless necessary, so he’ll just sit at the dinner table for ages and when he comes back to reality it’s been like 3 hours. 

 “you came out of the blue like that. i never could've seen you coming, i think you're everything i wanted.” by gracie abrams except it’s nico realizing he likes will 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[jesteriajunovix]

Venom: The Last Dance Movie Thoughts (Spoilers)

Its very sad how this trilogy at the very end sort of detracts from the main focus of the romance to give time to this Van family I can just barely bring myself to care about outside of maybe the scene where Eddie talks to leaf. then theres these scientist that are bumbling around.

Its just a bunch of uninteresting sequences where people I don't know or care about keep talking and talking. sometimes it really does feel like the writers were doing madlibs across certain sections.

Also, venom animals are cool and all, but they had like seven symbiotes to play with that all just got merc'd in the end by some generic starcraft-looking alien things.......Okay maybe I'm being a little too harsh, because I actually think those aliens are really cool, but as a main reoccurring antagonist, it gets boring. You tellin me knull has hundreds upon hundreds of these bugs and couldn't just send even more, thus making Venom's sacrifice literally aimless. Also what the fuck even is this acid thing still left here from the start of the movie? This shit is just around and Venom knew it'd work?

Also venom dancing with Mrs.Chen was cute, but that being the pit for next conflict is just bad writing.

It just feels like everything got so PR'd up that the movie stopped having a vision for crafting actually interesting scenes.

Also why is Venom's body count for Hispanics so high? Like sure he killed a bunch of police and army grunts, but the scenes where non-feds are being framed as the bad guys feel very racialized. Also ya animal abuse is hell tier, but when the framing is "these dogs are more important than these POC's and the WHITE MAN is delivering justice upon them" it gets weird.

There's also an entire conversation to be had about how a black man is once again empathetically framed while actively sitting in the fed/military chair.

It's just such a disappointment. First Fuck Marvel of course for their support of the IDF

(I acquired venom the last dance through the void)

but, also I have to question what the process of making this movie looked like for the writers. To me, it just seems like a case of an incohesive group trying to appeal to communities they don't understand, but I could be wrong and it could be a pay thing as well.

I know the marketing for Venom previously has proved to be not financially smart for Marvel considering the fact the gay subtext has made it harder to get into certain countries, so maybe that somehow affected the attitude during the creative process?

There's also the note to be made about the Director and writer changes throughout the trilogy.

I'm just spitballing though. Don't listen to my dumbass theories that may be completely wrong.

I just can see these potentially being factors.............also to make something clear writers should be getting paid even if the movie literally just consists of a nigga pulling his pants down and hitting a goatsy

Cautionary Definition Goatse: For those unaware this is in reference to popular shock videos spread across the early 2000s of men spreading their assholes.

right into the camera.

.....that was a cruder way to put it, so to make my take clearer:

my opinion on the quality here isn't an attempt to say writers should get fucked out of their money for bad writing. That's not a fundamental issue here. I do hope all the sick fuck Zionists there do in fact suffer some form of retribution and repentance though.

......................................................................................................................On a different note It's interesting to think about how Venom is basically Transmasc and Fluid....Thats all. I just find that to be something very interesting that I wish I saw more people talking about actively.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really That Bad?

Women leading superhero films has a long and troubled history even before losers online decided to make it their life’s mission to bully Academy Award-winning actress Brie Larson for the crime of being in a mediocre MCU movie. 2004’s Catwoman is the film that is usually pointed to as the movie that poisoned the well in regards to superheroine blockbusters, but it takes two to tango; the following year’s Elektra is just as much to blame for the negative perception of these sorts of films.

And how could it not be? It was rushed into production, Jennifer Garner really didn’t want to do it but was contractually obligated, it was supposed to be rated R until more contractual obligations nipped that idea in the bud, and on top of everything else it was a sequel/spin-off to a movie that was already extremely unpopular (Daredevil vindication was a long way’s off at that point). With all that in mind, is it any wonder that it’s one of the lowest grossing films to ever be based off of a Marvel comic? The only films that did worse were Punisher: War Zone, Man-Thing, and The New Mutants. Even the Howard the Duck movie did better than this shit!

The career of director Rob Bowman as tanked because of this film, with his credits being relegated to TV. Garner, meanwhile, fared just as poorly, with her career cooling off and leading roles not being a thing for her after that point. But worst of all is the career of the poor boat house in this movie, as it ended up appearing in Fifty Shades of Grey. And obviously this film dragged down the idea of a woman headlining a superhero flick for about a decade until Genocide Barbie Gal Gadot stepped into Wonder Woman’s boots. And while Catwoman would receive better adaptations on the big screen, Elektra would get no such chance…

...Until it was revealed that Garner was reprising her role in, of all things, Deadpool & Wolverine.

While the film isn’t out as of the time of this review, the announcement of her presence in it really got me intrigued about the last time she donned the red ninja outfit. I’m a huge apologist for early to mid-2000s superhero garbage, so it only made sense to check it out in preparation for the massive Marvel crossover Deadpool was about to deliver. And you know what question I always ask when going in to an infamous film like this: Is it really that bad?

THE GOOD

This film is just hilariously corny when it wants to be. I think when it does stupid stuff other superhero films of the time did, it tends to do them at least a little better. For instance, like Ghost Rider it has a quirky miniboss squad full of boring flat characters who exist for Elektra to kill. But while the ones in Ghost Rider are completely forgettable and bland, this film at least has some striking visuals with Tattoo and hot forceful lesbian murder smooching with Typhoid Mary, something I’m sure awoke things in the five people who watched this.

Garner herself is really, really trying, and to her credit most of the action scenes she’s in are pretty ok when they aren’t being edited to death. As I watched the unrated version, the brief glimpses of insight into her backstory are nice, and I do love that bright red costume on her. If nothing else, she does sell how cool Elektra is supposed to be with how she carries herself, even if the writing isn’t doing her many favors.

The final act is where things really get fun, because we have a big stupid battle against magical tattoos, teleporting ninjas, and genuinely the funniest possible way to kill a villain ever. I legitimately burst out laughing when I saw this:

THE BAD

Unfortunately, no matter how funny Typhoid Mary taking a knife to the forehead after saying her only two lines in the movie, two lines that actually give her more character than every other villain in the film, it can’t really completely save the film from its two massive, crippling issues.

Literally everyone in this movie is a fucking moron. The biggest moron is easily Elektra’s buddy, who sacrifices himself so Elektra can escape from the bad guys… but his sacrifice is pointless because they pull the info from his mind with psyhcic powers. He would’ve been better off running away with them! But it’s not like the villains are much smarter; one of them chops down a tree, and then almost immediately forgets this and walks into its path before getting crushed to death. It is genuinely absurd how dumb these characters manage to get. The dumbest of them all, however, has to be Stick. I genuinely have no idea what the fuck this man is trying to accomplish at any point, because he is recklessly gambling with people’s lives here.

But hey, dumb decisions are fine in a trashy 2000s superhero movie as long as they lead to some enjoyably dumb scenarios, right? Well, about that… Barring a couple of ridiculously goofy action scenes, this film is pretty bereft of memorable corniness. Remember how I said the minibosses in Ghost Rider were not as good as the ones here? Sure, maybe it’s true, but no amount of murderous lesbian smooching makes this movie more memorable than Ghost Rider, which features over a dozen insane Nicolas Cage moments. But maybe that’s cheating, it’s not fair to compare a Jennifer Garner vehicle to a Nicolas Cage one… so how about Catwoman? As absolutely shoddy as that movie is, there are a bunch of cringey, campy scenes that have helped earn the movie at least a handful of ironic fans. There’s just nothing like that in Elektra. It’s trashy and stupid in safe, unimpressive ways for the most part, and it doesn’t do anything at all to really stand out from the crowd.

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

Yeah, I guess it’s bad, but the level of bad that it is is greatly exaggerated.

The movie I’d most compare this to is, of all things, Morbius. I love Morbius more than most people, and even I’m willing to admit it’s multiple bright spots of trashy charm are interspersed with the dullest shit imaginable, and Elektra has a similar issue. It’s just so goddamn unmemorable and dull for the most part, with only the final act being packed full of silly nonsense to latch onto. But even that comparison isn’t great, because Milo was sprinkled throughout Morbius and was genuinely hilarious the whole way through, while Elektra just plods along until it remembers to actually be a little cool for the finale.

I guess really the film is less “bad” and more “not good.” Like if you throw this on in the background as noise while you do something else, it’s not the worst you could do, though even then something like Black Adam would probably be better. If you want to watch a trashy 2000s superhero film, I guess it’s not unwatachably unpleasant, but why wouldn’t you watch Catwoman or Ghost Rider instead? It just is in such an unenviable position where it’s the bottom of the bottom of the barrel, the least engaging super-schlock ever made, a movie not good enough to be vindicated but not bad enough to deserve the hate it gets. Elektra is just a film that exists. That’s all there is to it and aside from the single funny death, I have no strong feelings about this movie. I think a solid 4 is where this belongs. Not good enough to be average, not bad enough to be awful, it’s just there.

All this being said, I’m honestly very excited to see Garner become a teleporting ninja assassin again. Every comic character who was in a crappy adaptation deserves a second shot, be it as a new character (Michael B. Jordan as Killmonger) or as a reprisal that improves on the untapped potential that was there (Jamie Foxx’s Electro in No Way Home). I’m rooting for Garner to get her due, and for Electra to get the respect she truly deserves… But I just don’t really think this movie’s going to be getting a reappraisal no matter how good she ends up doing.

[nightcoremoon]

people who legitimately think that marvel movies are the bottom of the cultural barrel have zero media literacy or knowledge and I can’t take anything that they say seriously

I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that they’re the greatest movies ever made of all time but I will say they’re mostly fun so I don’t give a shit if scorsese nolan hitchcock kubrick etc are “better”. like nickelback. they’re not nearly the levels of talent and composition as dream theater, rush, king crimson, opeth, polyphia, deftones, loathe, sleep token, lady gaga, etc but they’re perfectly competent and listenable. you cannot sit there and tell me that the shitty myspacecore groups like brokencyde, blood on the dance floor, the medic droid, shitty drunk mom bands like hinder, saving abel, and buckcherry, shitty white girl pop like taylor swift, meg trainer, and katy perry, and shitty frat boy rap rock groups like crazy town, saliva, and kid rock, are in any way better than nickelback. you cannot tell me that you would rather listen to analcunt than nickelback even if you love analcunt because people who like grindcore know that it sounds like shit and that’s why they like it. and I’m gonna make a statement that’s so controversial in that the mcu movies are some of the best movies on the market these days because of one teeny tiny little detail.

every single american horror movie made in the last 20 years is so much worse than the most unpleasant and boring mcu film.

*except for jordan peele, who is the exception, not the rule.

paul ws anderson has not made a good movie since mortal kombat and the first resident evil AND EVEN THEN those are really cheesy, poorly edited, weirdly paced, and heavily flawed. michael bay’s writing sucks and relies solely on the spectacle of explosions. uwe boll. tommy fucking wiseau. every single shyamalan movie since unbreakable has been absolutely atrocious (aside from joaquin phoenix being the only one saving signs and the village from being NEARLY as fucking terrible as lady in the water, the happening, the last airbender, and so on, but they’re still stilted and awkward). nic cage is in a billion movies these days but we’re all just gonna forget about the late 90s and 2000s where he was in just as many movies and all of them are really really stupid? how about every superhero movie made prior to the mcu. did we forget that xmen 3 was so bad they literally fucking sent wolverine back in time to make it so that it never even happened? AND THEN HAD SANSA STARK MAKE A SILLY LITTLE JOKE ABOUT IT IN THE REBOOT TRILOGY??? but weirdly enough xmen 3 is still better then origins wolverine. oh and also green lantern, daredevil, catwoman, punisher warzone, all the batman movies where the suit has nipples, like you can’t tell me that the only good superhero movies are the worst ones because I HAVE SEEN WORSE BEFORE, sorry you were born after 2005 and you never bothered to engage media that wasn’t spoonfed to you by the algorithm.

but you know what I’d still rather watch The Room because sometimes things are bad in a way that’s still entertaining to see its incompetence, rather than Hulk. which is. fine I guess but I have no strong desire to ever watch that one again. but I still enjoyed watching it when I did. like yeah it’s not the best but it sure as fuck isn’t the worst and I’ll tell you why.

because the actual worst movies ever made of all time? dude. blumhouse’s cesspool. the conjuring is shit. annabelle is shit. sinister is shit. insidious is shit. paranormal activity is shit. the purge is shit. truth or dare is shit. unfriended is shit. oculus is shit. and night swim, that’s gonna be SOOO cringe. you’re fucking delusional at best, fucking ignorant at worst, if you think that this deluge of propaganda is better. you say that the story beats in every marvel movie are exactly the same even though they’re the same story beats that every single movie and novel has had for the past 150 years (well more like 1500 years), where you have the prologue and the inciting incident then act 2 then the midpoint then there’s a despair event horizon then a climax and a denounement at the end capping it off like a cherry on top of the sundae on an assembly line. they all copy the hero’s journey from greek storytelling. they’re all in the same boat so that’s literally the dumbest criticism you can make. you’re sitting there eating instant ramen while talking smack about hot pockets for not being made of healthy ingredients.

it’s hypocritical, and it’s telling that 90% of the people who do nothing but make a hundred posts every day about how bad marvel movies are, don’t actually do anything besides watch marvel movies just to find things to complain about. like, all you’re doing is the exact same thing that marvel fans do but you’re cultivating your own misery whereas the fans enjoy it and milk it for serotonin. it’s like when self identified anti-sjws didn’t realize that they were also SJWs, they were just on the other side of the battle lines. luckily they’re all so braindead and prone to follower mentality that they just say the word woke is bad because everyone else says that word is bad even though they have no solid definition for what the fuck woke even means anymore besides being a buzzword to help us intelligent people distinguish a bigoted asshole. point is you don’t know how to create your own opinions so you just copy whoever is spreading the most vitriol and hate.

it’s just honestly so sad to see but at the same time I envy the illusion. if I lived in a world where I thought that fried chicken was the worst food ever made expressly because everything else available to me was so much more yummy than fried chicken. imagine the privilege. imagine having champagne and caviar for breakfast, foie gras for lunch, and sushi for dinner with tiramisu for dessert, living in paradise because the worst thing in your life is fried chicken. you’ve never had to eat hot dogs. you’ve never had kale crammed down your throat. your mac and cheese doesn’t come in a box. you’re so goddamn lucky that the worst movies you’ve ever seen are still better than most movies period I’ve seen.

so I hope that when you inevitably are approached with the reality of video brinquiedo you aren’t fucking traumatized. because you’re basically the marie antoinette of cinema.

[certifiedjaeger]

Headcanons - Eren Jaeger x Reader (Modern AU)

Word Count: 4.5K

Notes: college!eren as your boyfriend makes me so 🥺 he would be the cutest and most chaotic boyfriend, you can't change my mind

Warnings: None - these are all random sfw headcanons (there is just a smidge of nsfw in there, blink and you'll miss it)

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Definitely owns a polaroid camera and solely takes pictures of you with it

Stores them in different places (one in his wallet, one on the fridge, a couple in his car, some in his nightstand, etc.)

The type to leave cute notes for you if he has to leave early in the morning

Except Eren's version of a note is a little different...

He writes "had to go and didn't wanna wake you - you look so cute :) love you, see you tonight" on a small piece of paper and literally tapes it to your forehead (gently though, so he doesn't wake you up)

Used to speak German fluently but has lost some of it over the years - still knows quite a bit though and definitely enjoys talking shit about people in German while in public (since they can't understand him)

Definition of a himbo/golden retriever boyfriend

Bought you a stuffed animal from ikea once and you literally always cuddle with it now, which makes him start to hate the stupid thing and regret ever buying it (*ahem* "it should be me that you're cuddling with, Y/N")

You make coffee in the morning for the both of you while he handles breakfast (since breakfast is usually a bagel, toast, or cereal this is definitely doable for him)

He is also capable of making coffee but swears it tastes better when you make it for him

Secretly makes him really happy and feel fuzzy inside that you know exactly how he takes his coffee

Does not cook and you aren't an amazing chef either so it's a lot of takeout and doordash for the both of you

"Baby, lemme spoil you.....what do u want from taco bell 😏😏😏"

Definitely the type to text you 'what size pussy you wear' every time he's in the tampon aisle at the store (he thinks it's the funniest thing ever even though he's done it like 20 times now)

Reads indie graphic novels ("not that superhero shit cause I'm a man with taste")

Makes fun of you for liking marvel movies ("every movie is literally the same boring plot, Y/N"), but then secretly keeps glancing at the screen whenever you're watching one

Loves horror movies because they get his adrenaline pumping, but especially loves watching them with you

He'll act all tough and protective like, "babe, don't worry - your strong boyfriend is here if you get scared," while confidently placing his arm around your shoulders

Fast forward to thirty minutes later and he's holding onto you for dear life, placing you as a sort of barrier between him and the screen while hiding his face in your hair

Definitely gets mad and swears at jump scares

"FUCK," he'd yell out in a deep voice, body jumping as he places his face back in your hair, instinctively wrapping his arm around you

"...Babe, stop laughing... I wasn't even scared," he'd have the nerve to say moments later upon hearing your small giggles

Whenever you two actually go out to the movies, he sneaks tons of candy and snacks into your purse because he hates spending lots of money at the theatre, mentioning something about "sticking it to the man" why is he so annoying omg

"Babe, bring your tote bag! No, not that one, the big one" 🙄

Whatever is yours is now suddenly his

He is literally this meme

You'll be like, "Eren, for the love of god, stop taking my hair ties" and he'll just be like........ "Our hair ties"

Screams "Yells in a manly way" when there's a bug in the apartment and he has to kill it

He runs hot, so expect Shirtless Eren™ a lot

He insists you join him because it's "more comfortable" …yeah, ok, Jaeger..... 🙄

Sleeps only wearing boxer briefs

On especially cold nights, he'll wear sweatpants though

Draws stick figure pictures of the two of you on post-its and occasionally puts them in random places in the apartment

You got mad at him once because you came home with people from class and he had drawn you two in a very suggestive position and put it on the fridge

Love language: sending memes and tiktoks

One of his FAVORITE things to do is to be in the same room with you where you both are browsing tiktok separately and occasionally show each other the funny ones you come across

Definitely the type to love being in the same room while you two just do your own thing - just likes the company and being able to look up from his phone/computer/video game and see your face

He just thinks you're so pretty <3 he is literally like 😍😍😍 all the time

Always says "wow" like Owen Wilson after you've finished telling him a story (also loves doing this in your ear when you're having sex - he thinks it's the funniest thing ever... you do not)

He's nosey and totally spies on the neighbors, but denies it every time you call him out on it

Will just walk up to you and start flexing

If you ignore him, he'll just do it more aggressively, eventually literally shoving his muscles in your face (the boy just wants some attention, pls give it to him and tell him he's hot)

LOVES being told he's pretty but he'll never admit it and whenever you do tell him that he's a pretty boy, he just rolls his eyes and tries to play it cool but inside he's like "!!!!!!!"

Loves being the big spoon at night because he likes holding onto something while he sleeps, he thinks of you like his own personal teddy bear

(Also likes the way your ass feels against his... lower region ����)

You two have extremely weird pet names for each other and often make a competition out of it

He's all like "I love you, my little tater tot 😍)

Started calling you babycheeks as a joke but now totally uses it unironically

(Honorable mention to him calling you this while squeezing your cheeks together with his hand, smiling at the little pout that forms on your face every time he does this)

Resting bitch face to the extreme

Whenever around others, he always just sort of looks pissed, or a combination of bored/indifferent

Example:

That's just how his face is and most are intimidated by him for it, but not you <3 you know he's a big stupid baby

Will nudge you with his head like a dog that wants to be pet

Bites you and your clothes often

Okay, wait... let's elaborate on that

Two different types of bite: non-sexual and sexual

When he's just being playful/trying to get your attention/trying to annoy you, he'll bite either (a) the sleeve of your shirt (b) your forearm (c) your ass if you're laying on your stomach (d) your pants if he's resting his head on your lap

When he's in a mood 😏 he'll bite either (a) the area between your neck and shoulder - his favorite (b) the insides of your thighs (c) your lips (d) collarbone (gently - it's more of a little nibble <3)

Does NOT have a green thumb - will kill your plants if left in his care

Loves pizza and pizza-flavored snacks (please see: the pizza-flavored goldfish and pringles stowed away in your pantry)

You bought him one of those little gummy candy pizzas once and he just kind of went like 🥺🥺🥺 when you gave it to him

Loves that you remember little things about him like that - makes him feel special and cared for

Suggested once that you should wear his 'key' necklace because it would "look good with your outfit" and now he's obsessed with you wearing it (especially when it's the only thing you have on and he's got you pinned underneath him)

Not opposed to wearing matching onesies ("just as long as no one sees us and we don't leave our apartment, babe")

If Eren does something to annoy you, you'll definitely send a pic of you two wearing your onesies to the groupchat, which makes Jean tease him for life and Eren glare at you for about a week

Speaking of Eren being annoying, he is always taking pictures of you - literally has like 2,000 pictures of you on his phone

His wallpaper is a picture of you two where he's holding you as you hide your face in his neck, a big smile adorning his own from laughing at your cute attempt to hide from the camera

Likes watching howl's moving castle with you

"Babe, be the sophie to my howl....."

"Eren, you don't even look like howl" *cue his never-ending pouting*

Occasionally brings you little flowers he found while walking, some of them are even weeds but you don't tell him that because he looks so cute bringing you his little gifts

He even brought you a rock once because it was "cool" and "kinda in the shape of a heart"

You swore to him that you'd keep it forever and his cheeks instantly turned pink, not being able to hold back the blush that had crept its way onto his face at your mention of "forever" - in that moment you were sure that his eyes actually turned into big hearts

Always running into/hitting furniture in the apartment because he's a big guy and doesn't pay attention to where he's going

You found him once on the floor, in pain and questioning every life choice he's ever made, because he ran his shoulder into the doorframe

Forced you to give his shoulder a kiss to make him feel better.....he was still pouty about it though

Acts tough but is a big baby

On the outside he is 😒😈😠💀🔪 but with you he is 🥰💘🥺

Really loves and is genuinely grateful that his partner is his best friend and that you two have such a fun, playful relationship

Sometimes after a rough day, he claims that he is in need of an emotional support titty and will beg you to let him hold on to your titty (he's like pls...I need it.....I'll die without it🥺)

The type to point and say "dog" every time he sees a dog

You guys have playful banter but it can definitely get carried away

He had his hair down one day and said something snarky to you and you replied, "yeah, okay - whatever, lord farquaad" and he never forgave you

Still brings it up to this day

Understands that bees are good for the environment but hates them

If one comes near him he'll be so dramatic - ducking out of the way and swearing loud enough for people a block away to hear him

He tells you to get rid of your weighted blanket because "he is your weighted blanket"

Asks you to come with him when he goes to the gym or works out just because he likes showing off his muscles and looking strong in front of you

Always has his hair pulled back into a bun because he gets annoyed with it in his face (surprisingly, he really enjoys it when your hair is in his face, though)

You tell him that he could just cut his hair if it annoys him that much and he's literally like, "you want me to cut it?? you don't like my hair??!"

Definitely the type to be like "aha babe... you have a crush on me, that's so embarrassing"

To which you reply, "yeah, it is embarrassing considering how annoying you are," which makes his eyes narrow and a pout form on his face

Likes it when you two are watching tv and you drape your legs over him - likes being able to absentmindedly rub small circles on your thighs as he watches whatever has his attention on the screen

Major procrastinator when it comes to schoolwork - you constantly have to motivate him to try and do his work earlier in the week or else he WILL leave it till last minute

This involves small bribes and incentives, such as letting him choose what you wear on your next date night (dangerous - he will choose something that shows a lot of skin), getting him dumplings from his favorite place, extra kisses, etc.

His favorite type of morning involves: lazy morning sex, breakfast/cuddling in bed, and anime

Skateboards but isn't an amazing skater - definitely sings skater boy by avril lavigne to you though just to annoy you

He goes through a lot of skateboards because he's somehow always breaking them (definitely happens way more often than it should, but he is a big guy with a lot of energy and sometimes wooden boards just simply can't keep up with him

Always makes fun of typos in your texts to him

Just like this...

Your contact name in his phone is either 'MINE 😈💕’ or 'sexy idiot' (he likes both of them, so he'll switch them up every now and then)

Facetimes you with his face super close to his phone because he just wants to "get a better look at your pretty self" 🙄

He literally always looks like this when he's facetiming you:

Loves to slap your ass - claims that they're "love taps"

Will yell for you to "COME HERE QUICK!!," making whatever it is sound urgent, only to have him tell you about something cool he just did in his video game

Likes putting his hand in your back pocket whenever you're out in public - let's other people know that you're his and gives him something "nice to hold onto"

When his hand isn't in your back pocket though, it most definitely is slung around your shoulders

The first time he placed his arm around your shoulders (before you were dating), you looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, as if questioning his almost-too-comfortable gesture. He responded defensively, "What? Just using you to rest on, get over yourself..." (The light dusting of pink on his cheeks gave away his true intent, though)

Since that first time, every time he wraps his arm around your shoulders now, he'll use his same line that he's "just using you as a resting place," but throws a wink in there, knowing that you know he actually just wants you close to him

He really likes it when you sit on his lap in public (any and all affection you show him that makes it known to others that he's your boyfriend makes him very cocky on the outside and soft & giddy on the inside)

When you do sit on his lap, at first he'll place his hands on your waist, rubbing them up and down your sides with a big ol' smirk on his face. He'll look around at everyone else's reactions (who probably don't have any because they probably don't even care tbh lol) and revel in the fact that "the hottest girl in the world" is sitting on his lap and nobody else's

But then, after a good several minutes of feeling like a King (I mean I'm talking like truly serious 'I am The Chosen One' levels of cockiness), he eventually will calm down and return to his normal self. His arms will make their way around your waist, hugging you lazily, while he just kind of plops his chin on your shoulder (he also likes being so close to your neck in this position that he's able to smell your perfume and nuzzle the tip of his nose against your delicate skin, smiling at the sound of your giggles)

Often times, if you're talking to a guy he doesn't know (like someone from one of your classes), he'll come up behind you and place his arm possessively around you with his eyes never leaving the other man's

He'll be pretty over the top about it, too - Finally glancing down at you, he'll smile saying, "Oh hey, babe, you look so beautiful today... can't wait to take you out later." He'll lean down to place a kiss on the top of your head before looking over at the man once again, his tone changing instantly, "Hey, man, what's up? I'm her boyfriend," the last word being clearly emphasized with his slightly threatening tone and narrowed eyes

If you guys fight about anything, it's definitely about how unnecessarily jealous he can get (although, the fights are never really that serious - he gets defensive because he feels he's protecting you from creeps and you get annoyed over his aggressive attitude toward strangers, but eventually, you two come together to see the other's perspective and are compassionate toward the other's feelings, so it gets resolved rather quickly)

You secretly think it's actually kind of cute how fired up he gets over other guys giving you any type of attention/affection, or god forbid, making you smile or laugh (He feels it's his job to make you laugh and is instantly threatened when other men do it for him)

"Babe, you don't know what other guys are like... Okay, I do, I know what they're thinking when they try and corner you and crack jokes at you or whatever the fuck they do. That prick was not just innocently asking you to study, he definitely had other plans in mind, trust me"

He gets frustrated... eventually calms down... and then just gets really pouty

There was this one time you looked over at him and he literally had his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed as if he were a child that had just gotten his favorite toy taken away. You couldn't help the small laugh that had slipped from your lips, and regardless of how fast you placed your hand over your mouth, he heard you and looked at you wildly, "Did you just fucking laugh at me?!" At this point, you couldn't stop the laughter forcing its way from your mouth now as your boyfriend's face grew even poutier (if that were possible)

"I'm sorry, honey, you just look really cute right now," you pleaded honestly, speaking to him almost like an adult speaking to an adorable anger-filled child

It took you weaseling your way into his crossed arms and nuzzling your face into his chest, muttering small I'm sorry's while placing kisses all over his face, for him to forgive you and get over his childlike attitude

Whenever he does get jealous, you know that all he really needs is a good makeout session - That will quell any worries he has that you're not his

At parties (and after a few drinks), he will drag you to a more secluded area (either in the corner or against the wall in the hallway) and start making out with you

If you playfully push him away and start laughing, saying something about "people seeing you guys," he'll just whisper, "don't care," and hastily place his lips against yours again, albeit more sloppy and eager this time. "Just need to kiss you...," he'll groan against your lips (If this happens, your night is usually cut short, as his needy actions result in you two racing home to properly be with one another 😳)

(((As you're driving home, he will definitely rub you over your thin underwear, watching you intently with lips parted as if dazed by the mere sight of you like this. His lust-filled eyes would quickly darken at the way your hands tighten around the steering wheel, and especially at the sound of your small moans. As he slips a finger inside of you, he'd barely be able to hold himself back from forcing you to pull over and ravage you right then and there, as lewd noises begin to fill the otherwise silent car)))

You guys are basically lucky that you don't crash that night, that's all I'm saying

On a fluffier note, one of his favorite things you do, and something he'll always be eternally grateful for, is when he's anxious or nervous about something, usually shaking his leg and playing with your fingers to distract himself, you'll reach over and stroke your fingers through his hair, instantly calming his nerves

You'll do it until he takes your hand from his hair and places a gentle kiss on the back of it, signaling to you that he feels better - He also, shyly, whispers a small "thank you" afterward

You guys have tried to take baths together and it just never really works out (he doesn't agree with this sentiment at all, he loves taking baths with you)

But, he is a big guy and there is only so much space in a bathtub, which results in water being splashed everywhere

One particular time ended with Eren filling the bath with too much bubbles and completely covering your floor with sudsy water, and another time resulted in you two literally almost flooding your apartment (don't ask)… so, now, it's safe to say that you're a bit hesitant about baths - He is Not

"Babe, you took my bubble privileges away, so it won't be like last time... I promise," he fakes an innocent tone, trying to sway your opinion on taking another bath with him, but inside you know he's like 😈😈😈

Sometimes wears your t-shirts at home which means that there are a couple of your shirts that have unfortunately been too stretched out for you to wear now

If you get on his case about this, he'll just fire back with, "What's the big deal, you wear my clothes all the time...?"

"Okay, true... but, I'm not permanently altering your shirts, Eren, there's a difference"

You can't be too upset with him though, because he just looks too cute with your much-too-tight shirts on, hugging his muscles and barely fitting his chest 🥺

Speaking of you wearing his clothes though, he gets unbelievably turned on when you come home dressed in a cute, little dress and instantly change out of it and into one of his shirts

Just the sight of his girl like that, and the fact that it's his shirt you wear in the comforts of your own home, has him adjusting his pants as he makes his way over to you (as much as he likes seeing you in his shirts, he likes it much better when he rips them off of you)

Favorite things to do for date night: (1) Late-night drive to the overlook by the beach (maybe results in some stargazing... maybe results in you straddling his waist, the two of you making out in the driver's seat... who knows), (2) Parties/get togethers at friend's houses (he gets to show you off to other people; claims it can technically be called a "date night" if you two steal food from the kitchen and find a lonely corner to hangout in where you two can share some kisses back and forth, as well), (3) Ordering takeout and watching movies on the couch (he gets to be comfortable with you and likes how you cuddle up to him when it's just the two of you in your apartment), (4) Arcade (one of his favorites, because it lets you two be playful and a bit competitive with each other; if he's too competitive, he'll always make it up to you by winning you a stuffed animal - he internally scowls about this because he fears it'll become his new competition just like the ikea stuffed animal he got you)

Whenever you're bossy toward him, he'll reply with "Okay... mommy," since the nickname always causes you to get flustered and narrow your eyes at him, which he thinks is both hilarious and cute (a stupid, cheeky grin will definitely always accompany his use of the word)

One night he asks you to sleep without a shirt on just like he does and you're like, "Huh, I bet you'd like that... Wouldn't you, you creep? 🙄"

And he just smiles at you with feigned innocence and says, "It's like that thing... what is that thing with babies... oh yeah!" His face lights up with a genuine smile this time, "Skin to skin... we need skin to skin contact"

Which has you then replying with a scoff, "Eren, that's for babies and we are two adults"

"No," he places his hands on either side of your cheeks and squishes, "You are baby."

(You end up giving him what he wants and you both hold each other shirtless as you sleep through the night, and you have to admit... It did feel nice)

Literally so stubborn... like the most stubborn man to ever exist. That is all.

No, but really, like... He'll refuse to accept he's wrong about something even when you have proof

Like that one time he thought that the tv show 'That '70s Show' was actually filmed in the 70s and you were like...... "you are literally so wrong about that, Eren." And, he refused to accept that he wasn't right and still stood his ground even when you pulled up the info from the Wikipedia page, causing him to stubbornly mutter some nonsense about how "anyone can edit those pages, Y/N"

He's so annoying, I swear 🙄

But also get this... He is also very cute... And ridiculous... Ridiculously cute, some would even say... For instance:

He'd constantly think about proposing to you 🥺

Like, you'll do something small like wipe the brownie batter he got on the side of his mouth off with your finger, placing it in your own to taste it, and on the inside he'd be like, "God, just marry me already..."

Or, even you washing his hair for him while you two shower will have him in his head like, "Please take my last name and be my wife!!!"

Genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with you, his best friend and lover - He couldn't imagine having anyone else but you beside him for the rest of his days

Part of him feels unworthy, though, and gets insecure at the thought of you not wanting him for the rest of your life, so he never shares the little proposal-themed thoughts he has with you and tucks the image of you with a ring on your finger far, far away in his mind

One day, he'll eventually work up the courage to ask you to be his for life, he swears it (and has sworn it to Armin, as well, who is tired of Eren being a coward and wishes he would just ask you already)

He also swears to give you an amazing proposal, because he knows you deserve it 😇 lmao he'll probably give you a ring pop and be like.... "aha, babe, wanna marry me?" while making this face:

(Jk 💀 he'll be more romantic than that, he swears it)

But until then, he'll continue doing his best to make you smile and think that he's funny, so that maybe you'll keep him around long enough for him to actually work up the courage to propose

For now, though, he'll keep being the cutest, weirdest, and most annoying boyfriend in the world... 🥺💕🙄💘😌 (that is until he becomes your husband, uh oh 👀)

[presidentrhodes]

multiverse of madness thoughts. spoilers obviously

1. i think critics are insane for the way they're ignoring benedict cumberbatch's performance. he gave each of the four stranges nuanced, distinct personalities that allowed them to shine through. even supreme strange and his "i'm ready" comment when facing death — a nice call back to stephen's "i am not ready" comment in the first movie.

2. wong had some good scenes but i am angry at how much they nerfed him. even if the scarlet witch is a super op character, wong is the sorcerer supreme ffs. he is supposed to be powerful and he didn't even get a single hit at wanda, just got thrown around a lot and it was frankly insulting.

3. they did mordo so dirty. first by not even including mcu mordo in the film, then by retconning his backstory. waldron is a fucking demon because one of the reasons why mcu mordo was so appealing was because his enmity with strange had a logical starting point versus the comics mordo. but of course waldron retconned it into the comics verse where mordo is just a bitter jealous man. i fucking hate this. chiwetel doesn't deserve this rat man's nonsensical writing.

4. master mordo was a cutie tho. my favourite bit was when stephen put that magic dampener cuff on him and they started throwing hands at each other. lol dumbasses.

5. the Illuminati were boring except captain marvel. i refuse to believe that she is dead given she literally is one of the most powerful beings in every universe. it was so good to have lashana lynch back ❤️

6. the sorceress sara was done so fucking dirty. they gave her a funkopop, they chose her name to tease sara wolfe (wong's interest) and then they killed her off so horrifically. i hated that so much. this film somehow relished hurting and killing bipoc and ofc you can't expect anything different when you consider the people in charge. it was nauseating and the more i think about it, the madder i get. 🥲

7. wendy was surprisingly good as a villain but then marvel did its thing and tried to excuse her actions every step of the way. like sorry u lost your imaginary kids. maybe seek therapy instead of trying to kill a literal child for your gratification. plus the justification she gave for wanting to kill America? nauseating.

8. i really liked america chavez. she may have lost her moms in the multiverse but I'm return she gained two incredibly tired dads 🥲🥺

9. one day marvel is gonna respect reed. one day. but let's talk about clea. one of my legitimate fear was that they'd cast some 20 year old to play her and it'd be just as iffy as their ambiguous age difference in the comics. idk how charlize will do as clea but im happy that she's at least bc's age

10. overall a very mid film that was both a doctor strange film but it also wasn't. i'll have more thoughts later but one thing is clear. waldron is a demon. doctor strange 3 should be about doctor strange characters so pls no wendy or loki or anyone else. jericho drumm, more mordo, clea and wong pls. would love to see america too and maybe vvd.bye

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

Why Do you hate Marvel ?

I don't "hate" Marvel on principle; I like some of the films on their own. But the MCU in general has very clearly been shilling out their products solely to make money without paying attention to actual good writing and it keeps fucking working. They only care about making money and being "shocking" enough to trend on twitter without actually doing anything daring (see: Wandavision literally changing its ending after enough people guessed it). MCU Spiderman was fun at first but now is just a white ripoff of Miles Morales, and with the next movie bringing in a Spiderverse that just becomes more and more clear. All of the superheroes are US government agents and basically military propaganda at this point and we were supposed to think a registration list of them might be a good idea at some point. And do NOT get me started on the racism-- the biggest instance being that Wanda and Pietro are supposed to be Jewish and Romani, but they were made into white christians (Wanda has a cross in her room in one movie) like holy shit y'all.

Again, they got some good products. Some of the first few movies were fun, I fucking love Black Panther and I'm actually excited to see Shang-Chi soon as I can; I also would probably like Black Widow if I ever got bored enough to watch it, from what I've seen it's got all the tropes I love. But like. There are so many good and cool things Marvel could do with its source comics but they're just. not.

[wizkiddx]

I lovelovelovelove ur writing. Was thinking if u could do one where readers relationship w tom exposed bcos someone recognises her but she isnt famous? And its all backwards and caught out sort of thing

thanks for being so kind! also I feel like me narrator-y voice has gone WAY too far, what do u guys think? I won't be offended promise I just think it sounds so fucking annoying rn

Tom Holland x reader

summary: you run into possibly the most infuriating family members the one time u and ur boy are showing PDA

warnings = none I think :)

///////////////////////

It was a late late evening, on the last train of the night towards manchester, the British countryside plunged into darkness that appeared as a blank, black canvas out the rounded-rectangular windows. 

And although the serene surroundings were calming, the regular and rhythmic movement of the carriage on the tracks - you were more on edge. Your relationship with Tom had yet to be revealed to the world - though you’d travelled as part of his extended entourage before under the guise of a ‘family friend’. So now it just being you, Tom, Harry, Andrew and Rachel - you felt more exposed. Of course, you were incredibly grateful that Tom had planned this weekend away for the two of you (after a work commitment, hence the presence of his manger, makeup artist and Harry). But it was scary.

Coming out of Euston station, the earlier time meant the train had been more of a hive of activity. Kids running up and down the aisle, inevitably recognising Tom and then asking for a photo. Enough that you’d had to move a few seats down the carriage, so no one would associate you travelling with the a-lister. 

But after you’d past Birmingham and the clocks past eleven pm, everything had quietened down and Tom convinced you to come and sit next to him on the table of four.  Andrew and Rachel were taking use of their little duo seat across for you to catch up on some well needed beauty sleep. They’d all been working with Tom doing promo for his most recent movie in London so it’d been pretty 24/7.

That left you, with all the energy, contrasting greatly with the two flagging Holland boys. 

“Lets play heads up!” You announced to the much less enthusiastic faces round the tables. 

“You can’t play that quietly and the whole carriage dont want to listen to you screeching.” Harry rolled his eyes whilst slightly ripping into you, then picking up his phone - thinking that would shut you up.

“I can play quietly!” You huffed, looking for Tom for backing… which never came. He didn’t even need to try and defend himself before you whacked his chest in false-annoyance. 

“ It’s not a bad thing, just passion.” Tom murmured, desperately attempting to sweet talk your round - which of course, was not going to happen. 

“No way! I’ll prove it to you!” 

“Nonono darling, look I’m tired.” He straight refused, wrappings his arms round your shoulders to try and cage you in. He ended up with his back pressed against the window and your back against his chest. “Lemme just relax with my best girl.”  You huffed in reply, worming round in his clutch before eventually giving up and relaxing your head onto his collar bone. For the reasons previously mentioned, you did not for a second believe he was serious with this PDA. Just sitting next to each other was risky enough,  now he was very clearly hugging you in a public place. Arching your neck back, you were shocked he already had his eyes shut - looking perfectly contented and relaxed. 

“T, are you serious?” You whispered, making him crack one eye open with a questioning look. Instantly he knew what you meant, I mean, it was him that was most worried about people finding out about you - for your sake. His horror stories of previous relationships hadn’t helped, to the point now only your mum dad and siblings knew about your relationship to Tom - mainly for the sole reason your nan was the biggest gossip in the world and could NOT be trusted. 

“Course love, it’ll be fine no ones around and I got my cap on. No one will notice us.”

Foolproof. Or so you both thought. 

And honestly for an hour or so you relished in the fact that in a public space, your boyfriend was showing you physical affection. It was exciting, which meant as Tom’s arms grew lax round you as he slumped slightly in the chair your energy only increased. No one else was being any use either - Harry had his head in his arms on the table and similarly neither Rachel nor Andrew were conscious enough to keep you company. Finally you settled on playing a game on your phone whilst also ever so softly wiggling round on Tom’s chest, purely because you enjoyed the little huffs and the way he’d squeeze you tighter as he snoozed. 

You were engrossed in shitty little iPhone game when a person who was walking down the aisle slowed down, drawing your attention away from the phone. And then your heart literally dropped because you instantly recognised your uncle and cousin, who was 12. Worse though, they had most definitely clocked you. 

Of all people, your uncle and boy cousin too. Possible the best (or worst depending on your point of view) at winding you up, at messing  with you, for genuinely causing all chaos and mischief with you. They were most certainly not going to be discrete. They’d rib you till your dying day. 

“Y/n?” Your uncle spoke first, noticing the that the group you with all seemed to be asleep, so at least trying to be a bit sensitive. Not that it mattered on Tom’s part though, you instantly bolted up and away from him, making him groan as he slowly woke up. 

“Er yeh, I-um  fancy seeing you guys here. Why were you in London?” Because yes half your family did live in manchester - a fact you felt slightly guilty about, considering you couldn’t fit in a quick and explainable reason as to  why you were in that area of the UK during a ‘pop in’. So you’d chosen to keep the whole trip a secret too.

“We’ve been at the footie, could ask you the same question.” Your uncle smirked, noticing toward Tom, who now was blinking his eyes heavily - looking with furrowed brows between the two of you. 

Because yes, the cap had been great to stop people recognising Tom. Neither of you were to expect it’d be you that’d be YOU stopped by someone who noticed you. 

“Oh um… well er this is my friend Tom, he’s got a work thing in manchester so thought I’d tag along. What was the score?” Yes you described your boyfriend of 9 months as a friend, when it was clear to everyone you were more than that. Though frankly, you still felt sick introducing him as ‘boyfriend’ - that itself was cringe as hell. The reference to football was an in-vain attempt to distract them with the most-boring-sport-in-the-world talk. If only Tom had kept his mouth shut. 

“Sorry mate” His voice was a little hoarse, making him force a cough before stretching his hand out. “I’m Tom”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ritchie and this is Matt” Your uncle motioned to his twelve year old son who was smiling politely but his expression seemed to drop as he made eye contact with Tom. Blissfully unaware, Tom shook Ritchies hand your a soft smile. 

“How do you guys-“

“I’m her uncle. Tell you what, didn’t imagine bumping into my niece on the 11:30 train to manchester.” 

Tom’s face fell and he froze. You’d both been caught out. Massively. It couldn’t get worse, till it did. 

“Y/n is that Spiderman?” Because yes, Matt was prime Marvel fanboy age. And yes, of course his favourite hero was Spiderman. And yes, this would probably be the most exciting day of his life. And the most embarrassing of yours. 

It was at this point Harry was sufficiently disturbed, enough to make him sit upright whilst also backing away into the corner of the booth, watching from afar.

“I-uh” You didnt really want to say it, for the sake of that meant he was revealing this secret you’d guarded with your life. But at the same time, you had this overwhelming sense of pride for Tom because “yeh, yes he is spiderman.” Matt started jumping up and down like an overexcited boyband fan which made you laugh, heart swelling as Tom chuckled along beside you.

Yes by no means was this ideal. And yes you were now forced to tell your family (so ultimately the world) about your relationship. Maybe that wasn’t so bad though?

hope u enjoyed + thank you for reading <333

tagging: @hollandfanficlove @hallecarey1

[bagofbonesmp3]

plz bitch about bw movie <3 i want to know

ok under the cut because i get annoying ❤️

I'd like to preface with the fact that the MCU could never do a good black widow movie. EVER. they don't have the range. they don't have the ability to write deep characters. nat is complicated to say the least and they fucked her up since she was created so she's not natasha. she's natalie.

but they went OVERBOARD with the usamericanism. like i get it, you couldn't find Russian people who wanted to touch your movie with a stick but CMON. they changed her whole backstory it's almost funny how much she isn't the black widow. she could be the purple caterpillar for all i care. she spent part of her childhood in OHIO. the movie is so clearly usamerican that you can't suspend your disbelief that these characters are Russian. not only because they had NO RUSSIAN ACTORS. IN YOUR VERY PROMINENT RUSSIAN MOVIE. but also because the jokes, the attitude these characters have, it's just... usamerican. i can't explain it. it just is.

this doesn't go well with the fact that this is just another formulaic marvel movie. you have the jokes every five fucking seconds (which, btw, are any of you laughing with marvel movies anymore? last time i laughed while watching one was when shuri made t'challa's epic fail video), the pacing is weird as hell, the villains are literally flavorless, the secondary characters overshadow the protagonist and so on. it did have a slightly different vibe that reminded me of catws (may her soul rest in peace) which made it more bearable than any of marvel's other monstrosities. but like. it's almost nothing.

the whole climax was so... underwhelming? i was staring at it sipping at my drink feeling nothing. not anxiety not fear NOTHING. i blame scarjo for not being a good actress like... she was surrounded by so many frankly good actors that she just disappeared for me. her emotional range is literally zero. she was fighting those other widows which should have been traumatizing and painful but she was like 😟 the fight while falling down the sky IS a cool concept i thought it was cool but yknow. it was just well done SFX. also the pacing was SO WEIRD. stick yo your fucking three act formula for god's sake.

the nuclear family thing they pushed onto her is so stupiiiiid. like, even natasha says it in the end of the movie "i thought I had no family" because in the comics she didn't!!! she was picked from the streets or found in the ruins of a castle or created in a lab (natasha has no clear origin story. that's her thing. "you will never know my full story etc etc") but what we do know is that she didn't think the red room was her family but her duty. and she was deeply traumatized which i will talk about later. she did feel love for people in the room and later for people in the KGB. she married alexei even (who they made her father figure here? weird) but never did she entertain the idea she was safe ANYWHERE.

which takes me to Yelena. now, i get that they need to have a heavy quipper. but GOD. she needed to stop. yelena is younger than natasha and way more carefree and naive (at least in that period of her life) but here she just felt... childish. she was meant to replace Natasha. she saw her as competition. and Natasha thought she was a real threat for her (she never thought of her as a sister. maybe as a victim like her but not as a sister) (which the comics are changing up BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID FUCKING MOVIE) this is literally vanilla flavored Yelena. how do you make the white widow boring get help.

something else that bothered me was the obedience chemicals thing. it feels so lazy, in a way, to pretend that all you need to bend someone's will is a serum and all you need to make someone to realize this is another serum. you could explore how trauma affects women, how being treated as objects can be incredibly damaging to the sense of self, how hard it must be for these women to think of themselves as free. but no. it's all the magic serum. Natasha spent most of her time in comics dealing with her past and her trauma. i get nothing from this movie. also, the widow program did use a bunch of scifi magic science, but the main focus was on how these girls were raised by the room and how loyal they were to it because they thought they were serving their government and saving their home. and because that was all the ever knew (just like Natasha). they weren't making black widows in this movie, they were making winter soldiers (yeah Natasha trained with Bucky but their situations while working for the Soviet union were very different). it's obvious they just wanted to make tem mindless killers because they couldn't imagine that other countries use their patriotism like the us does and turn people into weapons under the pretense of defending their government. it just sucks to take the agency away from the widows. when they stepped out of the KGB, they did it voluntarily, and it was a process. some of them didn't even leave and became trainers of the next generation.

I just think that this movie could be something if it was its own thing. but it's not. it's a rip off of comic names and concepts treated in the most boring and predictable way. and this is no black widow movie, these aren't black widow characters, this isn't natasha romanoff's story. it's natalie rushmore's

[latetaektalk]

tag games

tagging : @cosmoguk ​ @jtrbluv @yeojaa @opaljm @sleepyjhs @gyukult @jentwt @cafemiya​ @masterninjacow ​​ @gamerkooks ​ and everyone else that has tagged me

tag game one : fic writers ask game

tagged by : @luvdsc​ thanks cat! this is super fun ✨

Which new trope would you like to try writing?

ex-friends-to-lovers!! in general i love any ex type of tropes!! a heist! au would be fun too

Which trope do you want to write again?

exes! like, i genuinely love that trope so much and feel like theres not enough out there!

Which draft are you most excited to post?

i dont write multiple stories at the same time, so the newest chapter of love to hate you

Is there any new genre you want to explore?

hm i guess fluff? i kinda write angst by default because i think fluff is kinda... boring and not dramatic enough, so i guess i wanna try out fluff!

Do you have a favorite line in any of your drafts up to now?

“Can’t you at least pretend like you think I’m funny?”

“Yeah, that costs extra.”

“And you scolded Jisoo for exploiting me,” Jungkook bit back.

“Well, you said you’re all mine to exploit, didn’t you?” you hummed, scrunching your nose. “You are my boyfriend after all, right?”

Jungkook stared at you, blinked three times before tilted his head to the side and tongued his cheek, defeat.

“Touché.”

Have you decided on any creative goals for 2021?

not really! i just try to write, have fun and improve honestly!

Describe your journey on this blog last year in three words! And three more words for what you hope for 2021!

2020: growth, friendships, fun

2021: growth, friendships, fun (dont really wanna change anything! im having fun!)

tag game two : 10 songs, 10 people

rules : you can tell a lot about a person from the type of music they listen to. put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs. then tag ten people. no skipping!

playlist chosen : love to hate you

kiss me - sixpence none the richer

anything you want - jawny

can i call you tonight? - dayglow

heartbreak in a box - juice

daydreaming - marc wavy

lover boy - phum viphurit

let’s fall in love for tonight - finneas

dontmakemefallinlove - cuco

strangers in a dream - phum viphurit

afterglow - taylor swift

tag game three : interview

rules : answer questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better!

tagged by : @lcksndkys thank you so much! these are a ton of fun ✨

name/nickname : linh 

pronouns : she/her

star sign :  scorpio 

height : around 170 cm or 5′7 

time currently : 10:30 pm

when is your birthday : nov 9th

favorite band/groups : exo, red velvet, bts, nct, superm, blackpink, twice

favorite solo artist : taylor swift, olivia rodrigo, harry styles, finneas

song stuck in your head : gone by rose

last movie you watched : get smart, i think

last show you binged : taskmaster

when you created your (main) blog : like april 2019 maybe?  

last thing you googled : how many seconds in a year

other blogs : this and my recs blog

why i chose my url : like late night talk, so i turned the night into taek because of taehyung, baekhyun and taeyong afdfsa

how many people are you following : 305

how many followers do you have : around 1.7k

average hours of sleep : uh not much? idk online class is kinda killing my sleep schedule

lucky number : 7

instruments : piano

dream job : dont know, but something that i enjoy and make good money at?

dream trip : vietnam, china, south korea, japan, england, france, netherlands

favorite food : potatoes, salmon, dim sum 

nationality : chinese 

favorite song : cruel summer by taylor swift,, its literally my most played song of 2020

top three fictional universes you’d like to live in : marvel, atla, we bare bears

tag game four : this or that 

indoor plants or gardens // cloud-watching or star-gazing // water or fire // paperback or hardcover // running or hiking // sleeping with socks or without socks // fruit or vegetables // hanging plants or succulents // dark wood or light wood // handwritten or typed // instagram or pinterest // braids or pigtails // dc or marvel // books or movies // oceans or meadows // forests or fields // sweet or salty // ice cream or chocolate // hoodies or sweaters // long hair or short hair // piercings or tattoos // summer or winter // boots or sneakers // cars or motorcycles // curls or straight hair // castles or cottages // sunny days or storms // reptiles or birds // disney or nickelodeon // strawberries or watermelon // essays or posters // phones or laptops // glass or stone // dark or light // photos or paintings // circuses or theatres // reading or writing // dogs or cats // poetry or novels // monsters or ghosts // thrift shops or libraries // fiction or non-fiction

tag game five : ten biases tag

rules : write down your top 10 biases and answer the following questions

seulgi

baekhyun

taehyung

joohyun

jungkook

jennie

chaeyoung

nayeon

mark

jongin

1. between 1 and 4 who would you rather kiss?

uhm cant i just kiss both? i could never choose between the two sadfsd

2. between 2 and 7 who would be your best friend?

chaeyoung because she speaks english but also because i feel like she and i would hit it off better

3. between 5 and 10 who has the better voice?

love jongin and his voice, but yeah jungkook 

4. between 1 and 8 who is the funniest?

ohh thats hard, but i think its nayeon adsfas 

5. between 6 and 9 who would you date?

jennie. if i have the chance to date kim fucking jennie, im dating kim fucking jennie. bye mark im not even sorry

6. between 9 and 10, who would you do a collaboration with?

mark! i feel like working with him would be so funny because he just talks and talks and talks asdfdas

7. between 4 and 8 who is the best dancer?

joohyun! 

8. between 3 and 5 who would you most likely marry?

uhm uhm uhm- i think im gonna go with taehyung? mainly because of yeontan asdadsf

9. between 1 and 7 who would you nurse when they are sick?

seulgi no fucking question asdfsd like sorry, bestie chaeyoung, but seulgi just owns my heart :((

10. between 2 and 3 who has the better smile?

i dont think this is fair at all?? because both have such gorgeous smiles?? im not choosing asdfs

11. between 6 and 8 who would you vacation with?

jennie! feel llike she would pay for everything and kinda spoil me,, also feel like she would want to do the craziest shit

[joecial-distancing]

August Roundup

August felt like a lot of doldrums, as usual, which is nuts because I actually got out of the city for the first time in 0.75 years, and got to flee a hurricane in doing so. some actually decent-looking job opportunities helped with this at the end, but generally was feeling in a rut until literally last week. 

I’ve set aside Beckett’s trilogy for now, having been completely incapable of focusing on Molloy. I get that the formatting and structural choices are what makes that book interesting, but they’re also what makes it impossible for me to read at length. If there were line breaks, if the margins were even slightly uneven, I might have a chance, but alas. Was worried for a bit (as usual) that twitter use has caused harm to my attention span (and to be fair it almost definitely has), but then I started in on the Master and Margarita, which has been completely compelling so far! Wonderful book that I’m looking forward to reading more of! Top-tier The Devil depiction.

I’ll figure out Beckett later, in general the capacity to focus on things that are boring me is something I’d like to train back up.

I beat Sekiro after 65 hours, which probably means I’m going to be adrift for a bit wrt games while I recalibrate around not having this particular use of my time for a bit. Overall compared to Souls stuff, the highs were higher and the lows were lower. Dark Souls 1  made me angry only once, whereas Sekiro had me pretty routinely cursing at the screen. When the fights were good, though, they were all-time; enormously satisfying to learn and beat.

S.O. and I are in the middle of two tv/film-watching projects: 1.) Watching the entirety of the X-files, old and new, bad & good episodes, in order, no skipping; 2.) Chronological rewatch of comic book movies (specifically marvel), starting from howard the duck.

The superhero thing has been interesting, mostly in how fuckin much marvel’s audience allows them to get away with these days. You can really feel the intended audience for these shift over time. Earlier stuff was like comic properties adapted into action movies, alongside Sam Raimi being allowed to go nuts with the spiderman movies, with, like, x-men series then trying to ham-fistedly inject comic lore fanservice, because... that was the audience at that point. These were always popular, but they’re really properly mainstream now in a way they never used to be. The pandering’s all different now. Rewatching that Fantastic 4 movie and xmen 3, it’s like... I remember these being widely derided at the time, mostly by comics nerd people, but in hindsight, they’re just fucking mediocre. xmen3 in particular compares kind of favorably to later avengers, which is fucking hilarious. Other notworthiness: Ang Lee Hulk actually pretty good, Ghost Rider not nearly as funny as I remember it being, Blade 3 for some reason decided to not be a wesley snipes action movie in favor of being a ryan reynolds quip vehicle, Elektra is impressively bad and boring, Punisher is impossible to watch without thinking about that fucking logo and its connection with right-wing radicalism nowadays.

Speaking of, goddamn x-files, man. Slogged through the end of the old series, started in on the reboot, and the reboot mostly just throws into relief how much this show always sucked. it’s always been bad! The new seasons are structured and paced pretty much exactly like the old ones, and without the 90s-00s quaintness to offset things, the thing just doesn’t function. Critics writing retrospectives on the old seasons or writeups of the new ones mostly sound fucking ridiculous because they keep approaching with this reverence like it was ever a good show! The “myth arc” was consistently worse-written than the monster episodes, which at least were sometimes fun and compelling. No Payoffs! Right, the “Speaking of”, though. Much like Punisher can’t be witnessed without just thinking of militia goons, the first season of x-files reboot goes full-tilt antivax agitprop in the finale. They released that in 2016! Joel McHale plays a fucking Alex Jones type and they’re like “let’s have him be right, he is the truth-speaker against the government!”. On a more fundamental level, though, it’s a show that ended it’s original run with an honest-to-god mayan calendar 2012 hook, ended the first reboot season with a craAaAaAzy cliffhanger, then opened the next season with an “it was all a dream”. Bush-league work, start-to-finish.

I also rewatched The Lighthouse this month, which still absolutely rules.

[volkswagonblues]

for @elilim​, because we were talking about gold standard fanfics

Romance of the Age, nimmieamee (Harry Potter):

“Snape did his best to comfort her. He did not want to do this in the usual and boring way, which was sure to leave her limp and un-excited. He saw an opportunity to enflame and arouse her. So, instead of assuring her that her parents had not suffered and were probably in a better place, he ended up delivering a passionate and truly stirring oratory on the insignificance of Muggle transportation and the worthless, banal horror of hospital authorities who hungered for identification. It involved a great deal of sneering. This was not what Lily really wanted. She was rather desperately hoping for some assurance that her parents were in a better place.“

this is by nimmieamee, whom i ADORE. I don’t think she’s ever super famous in any fandom because none of her fics become huge fandom “blockbusters”, which is just proof that talent never gets the recognition it deserves and readers are morons. (I’m not normally this mean, but I do get like this when it comes to writers I really admire). I think she is basically the gold standard plot+style+characterization. Her prose is so fucking musical and clever; reading this after reading a lot of, idk, “normal” fanfic is like chugging Veuve Clicquot after sipping on toilet bowl water for a week.

Romance of the Age is just...everything that a fic should be and shouldn’t be. For one thing it’s HARD to read. The author uses a very neat stylistic device where characters’ names are intentionally withheld to be revealed later at the right moments, and it’s so incredibly smart on a plot and a thematic level. It’s a social satire about rich, bored people that uses your knowledge of HP canon as part of its arsenal to make a satire about rich, bored people. I read it about three times before I understood who all these people were, but everytime I come across a new turn of phrase, a new clever insight, a new way of thinking about an old thing. This is like the opposite of emotional candy. It’s dense and difficult and intellectually nourishing. 

I think the best way to read it, if you’re not up with all the details of HP canon, is to skim through the wiki articles for characters like Narcissa Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Regulus Black, and Walburga Black. Yes, it’s fic that has homework attached to it. I KNOW.

The Mountain King, mldavies (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy):

There was a secret second story in the Circus, as there is most places men work, or live, or do business: you might even call it a second society. The women of the Circus walked through the same door that the men did every morning, and came out the same door every night; they sat under the same ghostly lights and trod over the same grey floors. And yet when the shopkeepers and postmen and vagrants watched them coming in and out of the brick building they usually took no notice: “Secretaries,” they said, if they said anything. If they were feeling particularly lurid they imagined what might happen if someone captured one of those secretaries and tried to extract secret information from her, but they were really only interested in the especially beautiful girls, and there weren’t many of them passing through the Circus doors. When they did, the men watching perked up, and started spinning theories about spies, and double agents, and imagining, depending on their particular proclivities, Lauren Bacall or Rita Hayworth or Ingrid Bergman in a sleek dress and some kind of fur garment—they were men; they didn’t bother with these kinds of details—stealing state secrets and then doing unspeakable things, for reasons that didn’t really require explaining, as these narratives were only the morning or evening fantasies of middle-aged men with rather dull home lives.

So TTSS was a John Le Carrre book turned into a 2011 movie with Gary Oldman and John Hurt and also Tom Hardy. The chances are...slim that you’ve read this book or seen the film, but this is basically a novella that I constantly think about. I follow mldavies on twitter: she hosts a podcast and she’s basically a Real Novelist, and my god the difference is real. You can tell the second that you open up this fic that it was written as “lit fic” and not “fanfic”, and not to say that fic isn’t valuable, but there are tangible differences that have nothing to do with quality. Literally the length of the paragraphs and the way line breaks are set up tells you that the author was thinking about writing for the page and not the screen. 

Again, it’s everything that a fic should be and shouldn’t be. It expands the world of the film and the book by exploring the lives of the silent background characters, it uses your knowledge of canon as part of its DNA to tell a richer story that builds off a story that you know already. The prose is just...again, chugging Veuve Clicquot, you feel? 

(she also has a few HP and Marvel and Teen Wolf fics, if you want to read her style in a fandom you’re more familiar in. https://archiveofourown.org/works/23189122) 

Prince of Apple Towns, kvkindi (Marvel Cinematic Universe)

In California, it doesn't matter so much. California is like someone sanded the earth down, just came along with a neat hard edge and wiped out everything out, and started from scratch. A fresh clean world. The sunlight hits the ground at strange angles. The trees smell like trees from the Paleozoic. The sea isn't old like the sea off Long Island. There's no history to it. He saw a campus exhibit on Polynesian navigation. There were maps made out of twigs, maps that look like geometric figures. Wooden maps of ocean swells, from the Marshall Islands. Howard didn't know how to read them. He doesn't like this idea, that some knowledge is secret.

Okay, so I know you’re not a MCU fan, but again, this is an actual novel that has worked some strange feat of alchemy to far surpass the base metals that it was forged from. I don’t know if you need to even know anything about MCU or Howard Stark or the Iron Man movies to appreciate this novel about WW2 and the invention of the atomic bomb and the way that science has eclipsed man’s ability to control it. I don’t know what to say. I think I left a hysterical comment on it back in 2016 that was basically just me having a breakdown 

...i just checked. I left THREE (3) SUPER hysterical comments. Let me quote from one of them:

“I'm incapable of speech. The world is empty. Our future is only a gun's recoil of the past. I'm walking into the Atlantic and the only thing I'm leaving behind is a shadow on a wall and the scent of burning. From now on I will cease speaking. I will only communicate via notes written on bar napkins. These notes will only be mathematical equations of special relativity. My sole caloric intake will come from coffee and lemons.My hair smells like sea salt. I think I just broke my hand punching through a wall. I'm a broken husk of a woman. I'm going to conquer the world. Holy fuck, this fic.”

Yeah, basically. also, this fic only has 225 kudos and very little fandom footprint, which again - TALENT IS NEVER RECOGNISED. I”M MAD.

[gaknar]

Review: The Claremont Crossovers

Geez, I haven’t written a review for this blog since my Secret Wars review from like 17 years ago. How can that be? Well, I guess I used to work on this blog a lot more often and now I’ve gotten way more into Super Nintendo games and BDSM. Like a lot of people. But now that I finally finished reading Inferno, it is time once again to bookend my experience with an overly wordy wall of text filled with the worst kind of oblivious meninist butt humor jokes and pretentious sounding run-on sentences that are trying to sound smart but are always improperly ended with prepositions of. And lots of ridiculous comic book panels.

These are only the silliest panels from this reading that I could find after looking for about 25 seconds.

Bookeeping. This review covers everything that I have read since X-Factor #1. This includes Uncanny X-Men #204-243, X-Factor #1-39, New Mutants #38-73, along with a smattering of annuals, Daredevil, Power Pack, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, Excalibur, and X-Terminators comics that were all part of the Mutant Massacre, Fall of the Mutants, and Inferno crossovers. There were a lot of developments over the course of the 4 years these comics were published. Jean Grey was resurrected and the original members of the X-Men reformed under the moniker X-Factor.

Mr. Sinister formed his band of evil mutants, the Marauders, who would become the X-Men’s main antagonists, and their most devious act would include committing mutant genocide against the Morlocks in the New York City sewers while dealing critical wounds to main X-Men team members Kitty Pryde, Nightcrawler, and Colossus during the fight.

Later, the X-Men were seemingly killed in a struggle with the mystical being known as the Adversary, but in reality they went into hiding in their new Australian outback base.

Illyana Rasputin lost control of the hell dimension Limbo which led to a demon invasion of Manhattan.

And finally, perhaps most prominently, Cyclops left his wife Madelyne Pryor and their son to get back together with Jean Grey, an act that led Madelyne to become corrupted with Pheoenix Force power and to turn into the Goblin Queen.

This era of X-Men comics contains the first major crossovers between the main X-Men comic book and its spinoffs. These events would become common as Marvel found ways to use its more strongly published works to carry the weaker ones, and the ploy still works apparently since here I am 30 years later reading 500 page omnibus collections just because there are 4 or 5 absolutely killer X-Men comic books in them. I love the X-Men so much that I’m willing to wade through the unending buildup to get the most out of the climaxes.

Seriously this artwork.

However, I find that this style of editing leads to a peculiar trend in pacing that can be tough to recover from in-between the major storylines. As Mutant Massacre leads into Fall of the Mutants, which then leads into Inferno, the characters are faced with consistently increasing stakes. With each passing story line, casualties grow and become more grave, and the consequences are more lasting. Mutant Massacre starts with the genocide of a mutant community, and several main characters are critically wounded as the X-Men face the worst defeat they’ve ever experienced. Then a year later in Fall of the Mutants, just as the team is starting to recover, the entire team of X-Men is killed during their battle against the Adversary. They would immediately be resurrected as a reward for sacrificing themselves to save the world, but it is still a defeat that claims the lives of every member of the team, if only for a moment. By the time we get to Inferno, the world is literally ending. Demons are raining from the sky and regular people are straight up getting slaughtered in the streets and elevators as the X-Men are more or less helpless to stop the destruction.

Inferno is an amazing storyline, if only for all the scenes of inanimate objects coming to life and straight up eviscerating common folk who are just minding their own business. Look at this shit!!! How did the comics code of conduct ever approve this. A mob of people just packed themselves into a demon FOOD PROCESSOR and every inch of them was liquefied except their bones. Chilling. (And let’s just forget about how the writers retconned all this blood orgy stuff in the Inferno Epilogue).

This all works in a capitalistic sense. Constantly raise the stakes and don’t let up for a second because if you do, the reader will take their eyes off the page and you will lose money. But the problem is, you can’t do this forever. And if you try, eventually you are going to write yourself into a corner where you’ve raised the stakes so many times, and you’ve re-manufactured the drama so often, people will stop caring. I call this the Dragon Ball effect.

How many times have these characters become gods at this point? Like three movies ago, the most recent movie was literally called “Battle of Gods.” I’m not even watching Super. Once your characters get so far away from humanistic stories people can relate to, you are no longer creating art. You’re manufacturing sensationalism. And it gets boring. These guys are starting to look like different flavors of freezie pops.

Maybe this is why the X-Men comics that come after this, the comics that make up the last leg of writer Chris Claremont’s 17 year run on the series, become so weird. Because perhaps there was no way to continue to raise the stakes any higher. After this point, we don’t get any more big crossovers until X-Tinction Agenda, but even that story is small and quaint when compared to what is presented here. Wolverine completely disappears from the series, all our other favorite characters disappear into the Seige Perilous to be transformed into completely different versions of themselves, and we get a lot of surreal stories that don’t have any sort of climax in the way that we’ve been conditioned to expect. The series becomes murky and ambiguous, without a solid narrative arc, and I think that’s why people regard the end of Chris Claremont’s writing on the series to be the weakest part of his run.

I can’t wait to read the X-Men comics that are coming up next. Because I didn’t know what in the FUCK was going on in these comics when I was a kid and I’m hoping they make more sense now.

Anyway, I’ll be the judge of all that, once I get there. (I may even indulge in the Infinity Gauntlet omnibus because, you know, there’s a couple X-Men involved in that). But regardless of what comes after this, I think it’s also true that the crossovers presented in this reading are generally regarded with less respect than Chris Claremont’s earlier work on the series, such as the Dark Phoenix Saga and Days of Future Past. This I don’t agree with. While the stories in this reading do range in quality, with Fall of the Mutants definitely being the weakest of the three big crossovers, and even though the Uncanny X-Men portion of Inferno isn’t even the central story of that crossover (the critical story elements take place in the far inferior issues of New Mutants and <ugh> X-Terminators written by Louise Simonson), Claremont’s writing is still much stronger, more layered, and more elegant than anything else that is presented in these collections. These crossovers may not be as timeless or original as the most famous X-Men stories, but the writing here is still really darn good and engaging (at least in Uncanny X-Men), and in my opinion, does not represent a decline in aptitude on the part of the writer. It’s clear that Claremont’s writing has continued to mature and become more nuanced, so much so that when you compare it to the first issues he wrote for the series, it seems like he’s a completely different writer.

KALIDASCOPICALLY. Again, these were just the silliest panels I could find after looking for about 25 seconds.

Personally, I love this period of X-Men comics. Under Claremont’s executive control, no plot thread gets dropped. No minor detail goes disregarded. Characters continue to grow and develop at such a natural pace, sometimes it feels like my own life is developing right alongside theirs. This adds depth to these readings and I can’t describe how it feels to be a part of them, and I think it’s this element that is missing from so many other comic books written by so many other comic book writers, including nearly every X-Men story written after Chris Claremont left the series.

Case in point, there are so many minor recurring characters that appear in these stories, like Franklin Richards. (I seriously tear up every time I see these panels). This little guy bounces around the Power Pack, the X-Men, and the Fantastic Four like a ping pong ball. He’s a key character in the story line where Kitty Pryde finally recovers from the wounds she suffered during Mutant Massacre. And even though Kitty and Franklin have only met each other a few times, those meetings have meaning and they are remembered and called upon in the telling of the current story. All of the efforts made by the writers and editors to keep the narrative linked make these characters seem like real life people with weight and substance, rather than a thin layer of ink on a piece of paper. And it totally works.

Ugh, this review turned into another circle jerk about the writers of these comics, and especially about Chris Claremont. But what can I say. It’s because of the writers that we are here. Love or hate these comics, and I know Claremont’s wordy scripts are not everyone’s cup of tea, but these are the stories that make the X-Men what they are. It’s tough to be aware of these things when you’re in the middle of reading them, but I’m having the absolute best time writing this blog right now, and it is primarily because these are the comics that resonate with me the most. And when I’m finished with Claremont’s material and I’m slogging through some crap written by Chuck Austen, I bet I’m going to look back on these days with envy.

[365days365movies]

January 6, 2021: Last Action Hero (1993) (Part 1)

Let’s have some fun, shall we?

Comedy is my favorite genre, and I obviously also love action. So, when looking at the subgenres to cover this month, action-comedy most certainly was at the top of the list. But what exactly is action-comedy?

Exactly what it sounds like, funnily enough. Action-comedies rely on physical action sequences to further the plot, but also inject dialogue with humor and jokes throughout the script. Entertainment and amusement combined into one beautiful, succinct package. I’ll be judging the writing for these movies on how much they made me laugh while watching it. That said...

OK, so, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Last Action Hero. Schwarzenegger isn’t exactly the most emotionally expressive actor in the world, as you’ve probably noticed. And expressiveness is somewhat necessary to express humor. Look at Eddie Murphy up there, and see how expressive he is. Schwarzenegger...doesn’t have that. At all. But, this movie could still be funny! Shane Black wrote it, and he wrote one of my favorite guilty pleasure Halloween movies, The Monster Squad. So, I’m looking forward to this movie for that in and of itself. And with that...

 Recap

We start with a sick guitar lick on Christmas Day, as a group of cops close in on a criminal known as the Ripper holding children hostage at an elementary school. But then...Jack Slater (played, naturally, by Arnold Schwarzenegger) arrives. And yes, this is a parody character and scene, meant to lambast all of the stereotypical renegade cop tropes that I’ve literally never seen in a movie. Like, I guess Lethal Weapon and Beverly Hills Cop have it, but I think this character concept has been Flanderized into...well...Jack Slater.

Slater kicks a cop through a window with a Schwarzenegger-esque action line, and CRUSHES A RADIO LIKE A NAPKIN. I appreciate Schwarzenegger making fun of himself like this, and we’ve only just begun. Jack goes through banter with the Ripper (Tom Noonan), who...is unironically terrifying. Holy shit, that guy is creepy as fuck, and his stylized ax is intimidating as hell. And as he holds Slater’s son hostage out of revenge, the two face off with some cool action beats, and...

...Shit, I think I want to watch this movie. And I don’t mean Last Action Hero, I mean the in-universe movie that our actual main character, Danny Madigan (Austin O’Brien) is watching. Danny’s a big Jack Slater fan, and one of the only patrons of a movie theater owned by Nick (Robert Prosky). Nick, a kind old man, invites Danny to see the next Slater film before anybody else. And honestly, I get it. I’d watch this movie series unironically if it existed, real talk. Mostly because it seems fun.

Danny’s skipped school just to see this movie, and he walks into his English class, where the teacher shows Lawrence Olivier as Hamlet. Fun fact! The English teacher showing it is played by Joanne Plowright, Olivier’s real life wife! Very sweet! Anyway, Danny, bored by a goddamn classic movie, conjures a different movie in his head.

Fuck yes. I need this movie to exist. 

We learn from Danny’s mother (Mercedes Ruehl) that his father has recently died, and he spends far too much of his time watching movies at Nick’s theater. I look forward to this revelation never being explored. As he’s headed to the theater when he isn’t supposed to, he opens the door at the exact wrong time, and A ROBBER BREAKS INTO HIS PLACE, OH SHIT! Confronted with the type of real danger that he’d see in an action movie, and with no action hero to save him, the robber finds nothing of value and leaves the place. He gets rescued by the cops eventually, and they tell him to go home. But, no, he goes...to the movies.

Mom might have a point there, sport.

While he’s there, Nick brings him in, and begins to monologue to him about his past in the theater business. And that monologue introduces the MacGuffin of the film: the Golden Ticket, given to Nick by Houdini himself, and an alleged portal to another world.

So, is this gonna be more of a Pagemaster situation, or a The NeverEnding Story deal? The Golden Ticket is torn for admission, Danny sits down, and the movie-in-a-movie begins in earnest. In the film, Slater’s cousin Frank (Art Carney in his last film role) is being held hostage by the crime boss Vivaldi (Anthony Quinn), and his henchman...one of the most immediately visually interesting characters I’ve ever seen in a film...in a FILM.

Benedict (played by Charles Dance), is immediately a fascinating character, essentially a non-Marvel Bullseye, and a gunsman with flawless precision. And yeah...I dig it. Oh, how I dig it.

Jack Slater arrives in his snakeskin boots, and discovers Frank, who delivers a message in the cheesiest death sequence I’ve ever seen, followed by the cheesiest bomb compound I’ve ever seen, followed by a bigger explosion than anyone would’ve expected, FOLLOWED by...OK, look, the references to other action movies in this are already ridiculous and all over the place, and I refuse to spoil them all for those of you who’ve never seen this movie.

By the way, I gotta make a comment about Danny real quick. Watching this many action movies may have made him a little...detached...from reality. I say this because he expressed no shock or emotion during or after the robbery, then went immediately to the movie theater, and had no reaction whatsoever about the death of the two cops in the movie. Little budding sociopath, that Danny.

Although, that might change, now that the ticket’s getting all magic-y, and a stick of ACME dynamite (actually in the film, I swear) makes its way into the theater. It explodes, and Danny inexplicably (magically, even) finds himself in the movie. So, Pagemaster, then.

Danny’s complete lack of reaction and emotion in this situation confirms my theory on him being a liiiiiiiiiiittle detached from reality. But then...the most gloriously stupid thing I’ve seen this month happens.

Arnold proceeds to make a pun that is NOT “Nasty brainfreeze,” and I am disappointed forever. Who wrote this? Who wrote this?

We get a car chase fueled with jumps, gunfire, puns, a casual mention of premature ejaculation, and Coca Cola product placement, all accompanied by Danny finally showing a modicum of reaction to the fact that he is IN A FUCKING MOVIE. REACT MORE, DANNY. At his age, I would have soiled myself immediately. At MY age, I would soil myself if this happened to me! Anyway...

OK, I just have to say this now: this movie has some of the most insane shots and set-ups that I’ve ever seen, and by GOD, I am here for it. Like...Did you SEE the motorcycle dress girl panic while a man WAS ON FIRE IN THE BACKGROUND? Earlier, a car does an INSANE jump and crash and explodes in the BACKGROUND, and the movie just treats it like a pigeon flew on set! Nobody cares! THE SCENES IN THIS MOVIE MAKE INSANITY AN ART FORM.

Anyway...we get to the LAPD, and...HOLY SHIT. IS THAT…

Was that Sharon Stone as Catherine Trammel from Basic Instinct, and Robert Patrick as T1000 from Terminator 2? I...but...wait...if...how...I’m broken now. 404, blue screen, reboot, update needed, WHAT?!? I...just...SO many questions, and this movie better answer them.

We see some added insanity, including a man with a houndstooth suit which I DESPERATELY WANT but could not pull off. There’s literally a buddy cop generator, where we also see a rabbi cop, and an Amadeus reference is dropped as F. Murray goddamn Abraham (playing a cop named Practice) appears in this movie, and THEN...an animated cat cop sexually harasses a female cop. I am not joking.

Am...am I insane? Also, if I was in the theaters watching this movie-in-a-movie, I would be both angry and confused as to what in the FUCK was happening!!! WHY IS THERE AN ANIMATED CAT COP IN MY JACK SLATER MOVIE? WHO DIRECTED THIS BULLSHIT (in universe)?? Also that cat was recently suspended, and is also one of their best men.

And then, Danny uses his knowledge of the Jack Slater franchise to break down the barriers of repressed affection between the chief and Slater, and it’s briefly heartwarming for some reason. Anyway, they’re now suspicious of his knowledge of Slater’s life, and this leaves to the inevitable buddy cop pairing of Jack Slater and Danny Madigan. This art-deco something walks by…

...and I desperately need to know more about the art direction of this film. Because, wow, it is an absolute masterpiece of randomly exaggerated shit, damn.

To prove his point about being in a movie, Danny goes to a Blockbuster, which... man, does THAT bring me back! That’s right you young whippersnappers, I WAS THERE FOR BLOCKBUSTER IN THE ‘90s! We used to go to the store and look at the VHSs. I remember seeing The Lost World there, but my dad said I was too young for it. I was sad, but he got me some candy and a Really Wild Animals video, and we watched it that night after Carmen Sandiego. My God. It was paradise.

Anyway, Schwarzenegger doesn’t exist, and find out that Stallone has taken over his roles.

...I’d watch that. I’d watch the HELL out of that. Danny then uses some legitimately impressive math to dissect the “555” number thing in movies, as well as pointing out the lack of non-conventionally attractive women. Which, credit to you, kiddo, for addressing the overwrought emphasis on conventional attractiveness that permeated Hollywood at this time, and to this day. I mean, he’s not criticizing it, but he is pointing it out, and that’s better than nothing in the ‘90s.

Danny guides his way to Vivaldi’s house, where the butler is...Professor Toru Tanaki! He looks exactly like Odd Job from the James Bond series, but the actor is SubZero from The Running Man! You know, the hockey killer!

Anyway, after crack about Schwarzenegger’s “I’ll be back” line, a conversation with Benedict (who has a smiley face instead of a bullseye), and some terrible CGI dogs, Benedict becomes correctly convinced that something’s up with Danny. They arrive at his house, and his college-aged daughter Whitney (played by Bridgette Wilson, in her first film role in and out of the movie, in a neat little twist!) kisses Danny directly on the mouth, and I’m a liiiiiiittle uncomfortable with that. Anyway, we brush right past that, and realize that his son...died. Oh. Uh. Guess we didn’t see the end of that movie, huh? Yikes. Poor Jack.

Hey, Benedict and his gang arrive at Slater’s place! Fun! There’s a sort-of amusing play on “harming a hair on one’s head,” and the interrogation continues. Charles Dance is legitimately threatening as Benedict. And, while we’re at it, Bridgette Wilson has an entertaining action sequence all her own.

Anyway, Jack arrives, and makes a ridiculous jump off of the balcony to pursue Benedict. Benedict name drops getting a tank, which I’m assuming is named the Chekov (film trope reference there, have a good time). Danny realizes that he’s the comedy sidekick of the movie, and at this point, I need to mention something: in case you haven’t noticed, this film is delightfully meta. And I love that about it. 

But it’s also...cluttered. You’ll see what I mean in a little bit, but real talk, I didn’t realize that Benedict had stolen the ticket until Danny mentioned it, because I was apparently quite distracted. And this is an important plot point, as Benedict soon realizes the true power of the ticket, cleverly overlaid by the opening to the Twilight Zone, with Rod Serling mentioning traveling to another dimension. Also...his eye was a bomb. What. Anyway, that explosion results in Slater officially getting fired from the department, and the chief...

Um. Yeah, this movie is also kind of a cartoon, not including the cartoon cat. And you have no idea how much I’m omitting from this movie. The digitization of Humphrey Bogart, the fact that Slater can’t say “fuck” in a PG-13 movie, the surprising character realization that Slater’s ex-wife is actually remarried, the clearly dominatrix cop clad in leather, the fact that there’s a plan to detonate a nerve gas-infused bomb stuffed into a dead man nicknamed Leo the Fart at his own funeral, a digitization of Humphrey Bogart. Yeah, I said that last one twice, because the effect actually holds up really well, like, seriously.

OK, let’s take a break, yeah? Part 2 later today!

[mayve-hems]

please please please do a hc about michaels sister dating luke and michael finds out?? idk take it the way you want to but something like that please please please! ~🦋

DAWG I WROTE AN ENTIRE FIC OF THIS ON WATTPAD (I’m not going to add it here because it’s shit bUT) I’m so excited for this? It’s my shit? Michael’s sister dating Luke? *chefs kiss* I’ve written too many fics doing that OKAY ANYWAYS

-Michael has always told everyone his sister is off limits

-everyone

-he sometimes favors Ashton over everyone else, but dear god he cannot touch Y/N either

-nu uh

-no sir stay away from Y/N or he’ll fill your veins with poweraid

-yeah but Luke Hemmings never listens

-you two start flirting in some boring class

-like probably science or math

-obviously he’s acing because he’s a whiz

-“Tutor me!” You scream, throwing an empty folder towards him

-Michael looks up from their video games marathon at 1 am, surprised as HELL

-“Never,” Luke laughs and turns back to his video games

-so you sit on him until he agrees because HES the reason you’re failing but HES acing

-so when he beats Michael at Fortnite, he runs to your room to make sure you’re awake

-you’re half asleep but you have a big test the next day and you need HELP

-Luke sits behind you to make sure you’re calculating everything correctly and writing down proper notes

-“It’s a g, not a q,” he laughs, pointing out a mistake you’d made

-“I’m copying straight from your paper, not my fault your handwriting is shit”

-“Not really my fault,” he points to the name box where you put Y/N Hemmings

-you curse at the top of your lungs

-it takes several hours but you guys finished

-you ace the test the next day

-michaels like “Win or lose?” when you walk through the door

-“I’m keeping him” you reply, grabbing Luke’s arm and pulling him up the stairs

-Michael isn’t worried because OBVIOUSLY Luke will follow the “No Y/N” rule

-Yeah he doesn’t follow the rule

-you’re laying in your bed, next to Luke, watching a shitty sitcom

-“So what’s my payment for tutoring you?”

-“The happiness that I didn’t fail,”

-“That’s not enough, I can’t live off of that,”

-you shrug

-Luke groans

-“Well what do you want? I’m not giving you money!”

-You’re so naive

-Luke literally just wants a kiss

-he puckers his lips

-you giggle and press your pointer finger into his Cupid’s bow

-“Good enough?”

-“You’re so mean to me, Y/N”

-Michael gets a little suspicious so he texts Luke

-“Shit, I should probably go,” Luke says, standing up from your bed

-he OBVIOUSLY has to go play video games for several hours

-and I mean SEVERAL

-it’s MIDNIGHT when they finish

-Luke walks up to your room

-(it’s right next to michaels bedroom, where he claimed to go)

-“So can I have a reward?”

-you’re blinded because he just deadass turned on all the lights

-“Suck my dick, Hemmings,”

-“Since when do you have one?”

-you roll your eyes

-Luke climbs into your bed, right next to you and just wraps one of his arms around you

-he smells amazing

-your heart beats a little quicker

-“What’s my reward, Clifford?”

-“What do you want as a reward?”

-“What about your phone number?”

-you move to look at him

-you’ve known Luke and the rest of Michaels friends since you could walk

-I mean, at one point you, calum, and Michael all hated Luke and Ashton

-but psh that’s in the past

-Luke knows almost everything about you

-INCLUDING your phone number

-you laugh

-“You’re an idiot” you shake your head

-“What about a date?”

-“What about you stop being so cheesy”

-you guys agree to go on a date the next day at a movie

-it was a total bust because Calum and Ashton showed up

-yeah they start to make fun of Luke for not following the rule

-“Dude I would have dated Y/N so many times if I didn’t think Michael would actually kill me” Calum whispers, sliding into the seat next to Luke’s

-“We aren’t on a date” Luke lies

-everyone sees right through him

-Ashton looks at Luke and moves his eyebrows up and down

-“Please just don’t tell Michael” Luke sighed

-“Only if you buy us unlimited vegemite and and stop beating my ass in fifa”

-Luke groans

-but he has to agree because you’re HOT and he can’t pass up a chance to have such a marvelous, witty, outgoing girl

-it starts off simple

-Luke sneaks into your room after Michael is asleep

-you guys make out a little bit

-then he goes back home or back to michaels room

-on a few occasions you sneak out too but you’re afraid you’ll wake Michael up

-slowly Michael figures out something is going on

-Luke shows up to school with hickeys all over his neck and Michael just stares at him for a few seconds

-“Either our the vacuum cleaner down or let go of Calum” Michael finally says

-then he pokes the darkest hickey

-Luke flinches but you all laughed

-you probably had some too but you his yours with amazing makeup skills (you adapted from Ashton) or they just could hide under your clothes

-either way, Luke was the blunt end of the jokes

-until you guys finally made out again and Luke was PISSED

-“You did that on purpose, huh?” He asked against your lips and then kisses harder than you thought he could

-“Maybe” you mumbled back

-oh hell no

-Luke finds it also funny, but doesn’t show it

-he tries his best to be pissed and over dominating but Michael is walking towards your bedroom and Luke bolts for the closet

-“You heard from Luke?” Michael asks, showing the screen of his phone where he’s sent Luke probably 7000 texts

-you shake your head

-“Get him to reply to me or I’m playing Fortnite without him” and then Michael left your bedroom

-Luke hurries from the closet, grabs his phone from your mess of blankets, and heads toward the widow

-“What the hell?”

-“Babe I like you and all but Fortnite”

-you roll your eyes

-Luke gets home, logs into Fortnite or whatever

-the moment he gets his headset on, he’s surprised

-“So how was making out with my sister?” Michael asks

-Luke is terrified

-Michael is smaller than him, but Luke has no doubt in his mind Michael would make him into a kabob

-dont test Michael

-“You know?”

-Luke doesn’t realize Michael is joking around with someone else on the chat

-He doesn’t realize that Michael was referring to one of his female friends as his “sister”

-Michael is PISSED

-Luke jumps because michaels so pissed, and he doesn’t realize that Michael can’t hurt him from two doors away

-well technically he can, but not through a TV screen

-“I fucking knew you were trying to fuck Y/N” Michael shakes his head

-Luke throws Ashton and Calum under the bus, ending their supply of Fifa wins and vegemite

-Y/N looks around the corner to see Michael and his face is BRIGHT red and she wonders if he’ll break the controller

-“You okay dude?” Y/N asks Michael

-“Hows Luke’s kissing, Y/N?”

-You hold out two thumbs up “Its pretty great”

And that’s how Michael finally found out about the two of you dating