#its VERY clear what my biases are i think but its MY CITY and i get to choose what stories to have at bedtime!!!!!

[chiangyorange]

Do you have any LoZ/LU fic recs?

i have many! they wont be organized in any particular way tho

i started just hucking links at this until i realized, oh this is gettin really long actually, so im going to shove everything under the cut with the link to the fic itself and some personal notes from me to hopefully get you to read them!!

for Linked Universe;

Two Moon Pearls and the Master Sword by serbii

the chain get sent to the dark world and literally everyone but four, sky, and legend get to turn into animals about it. also baby legend is there <3 this also has an in progress sequel!!! its so fucking good!!!!!!

Absence by Anonymous

wild forgets he has to TELL PEOPLE that he has amnesia. this has consequences. i love wild and warriors dynamic so much theyre such a duo. if i believe in my heart other people can see the vision too.... sobs. WAILS EVEN.

Dearly, Departed by boo_boo_thefool

a series of post-lu oneshots revolving around each of the heroes!! hasnt reached all 9 of the chain yet but still a damn good read. if i think too hard about this one i can and will cry. on command even.

The Missing Link by SparklingWonderQueen

ongoing fic about if the chain met wild riiiiight at the beginning of totk when hes still missing!

willow bark and chamomile by schrodingers__cat

a REALLY fucking good read. like oh my god i just got SUCKED into this from start to finish. if ur a legend fan yes the fuck you are. get in there. go.

Dawn of the Fourth by LazuliQuetzal

also a damn good read!!! time gets de-aged and wind goes "haha im the big brother now. ... OH NO IM THE BIG BROTHER NOW!!!!!!" fucking hilarious. absolutely heart wrenching. these things are both true at the same time

ageless quest by fandomsandshit

OOOOOOOH YOU WANNA READ ABOUT THE CHAIN SEEING THE LIGHT DRAGON AND CONTEMPLATING THEIR OWN ADVENTURES SO BAD OOOOOHHH (theres three installments so far and if i think about THIS ONE i will ALSO cry on command about it. man i fucking love totk zelda so much why did they do that to her poor girl)

To Share, to Speak, and to Hear by NajikaSun

i cannot explain to you how much i love the knights trio. i have many feelings about them and they will sit riiiight here. its about the weight of legacy its about the weight of trying to fulfill your duties. you get it.

darning the threads as they fray by Ammo_Writes

this ones not done but bow howdy does it get my brain CHUGGING!! the tone... the haunting feeling.... augh... AUGH !!!! WHERES MY BOY I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

sorrow, immortality, and hope by virtualpng

READING THIS MADE ME WANT TO TEAR MY FURNITURE APART WITH MY TEETH!!! OHHHH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD ITS SO GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD this author's other fics within the series also fucking slap. hard. god. the chain (who havent met wild yet) meet a stranger in ordon

Applejuice Stains on the Past by MjsKindaHere

HEY REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE KNIGHTS TRIO??> sky gets de-aged and wild is NOT normal about it. legacies and expectations and burdens etce etc. you get it

Young volcanoes by jelly_dragons

wild is incredibly fussy about how he was forced to wear the big clunky ass flamebreaker set in his journey meanwhile sky just gets some fancy shmancy earrings about it. the duo go into a volcano. hilarity ensues.

The Ruin They've Made Me by CluelessMoose

botw link's last battle did NOT go well with calamity ganon and leaves him possessed by the damn thing. and then the chain pop in. (owwwww OWWWWWWWWWWW)

Twin Quasar by StrixEye

written before totk released and its still unfinished but MAN AM I A SUCKER FOR GOOD COMPELLING TIMETRAVEL.

hold on, reaper by virtualpng

the chain before they ever meet wild but they pop into his hyrule anyway while hes in the shrine of resurrection. wind meets a ghost at fort hateno. god i fucking lost ghost stories.

steady going under by rebornofstars

the boys.... theyre sleepy.... specifically on top of twilight...

I'm A Riddle In Nine Syllables by SilverheartSP

GOD i fucking love ghost stories. pre-lu in botw where wild meets the chain as ghosts first, and THEN actually meets them

The Legacies You Leave Behind by Eureka5215

flora-centric study about her interactions with the chain. because she cant ever escape the overwhelming weight of a legacy like me too girl so real. yes this is part of my fixation on the knight trio. their haunted sadwoman air surrounding all four of them have captivated me mind and soul

Untarnished by Tashacee

MAN I FUCKING LOVE GHOST STORIES!!!! lovelovelove tash's hero's aspect au obvs the 2nd piece of fanart i did for this fandom was FOR heros aspect but man... MANNNNNNN UNTARNISHED HITS ME DIFFERENT!!!!! first..... ily king <3<3<3

In Flux by zippe

FUUUUUCKCKCKCKKCKC I LOVE FUCKY ASS TIME TRAVEL it can be to heartwrenching and this one is exactly thattttttt augh. AUGH!!!!!! i lose it ever time remembering this one

~~~

LOZ in general, but mainly botw/totk(and some aoc);

For The People by myfairstarlight

hey girl where did the divine beasts go. sidon is NOT having a good time about it hes EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to that thing!!!!

That Brilliant Blue (A Bittersweet Goodbye) by myfairstarlight

hey. what do you mean sidon and mipha are doomed siblings. ill cry.

VIRTUE IS DROWNED, WITH HOLY HANDS, BY SORROW by lizandre

totk zelda in her time in the past. she is. not doing well!!!!

Again by Drich (drich147)

botw timeloop fic. yeah. theres this one scene where its revealed that guardians have a fuckign partymode???? thats hilarious.

so i'll never die when i'm dead by arashi_the_pancake

OW. FUCK. au where after turning into the light dragon zelda keeps her consciousness about it. shes not doing well!!!

[cripplecharacters]

Hey folks, fully abled writer here! I've got a question about nicknames/descriptive names related to physical differences and abilities. I write a lot of fantasy fiction with differing name and language systems than the real world. I'm also fond of using compound names, such as "Dawnbringer, Hardcutter, Bluemark, Bearhunter, etc." So in a fantasy world where much of this society has given names and clan surnames following a specific theme of strength and durability, I have a character that has both his given name but also a nickname many people call him. This nickname is "Firebrand," and I invented him many years ago when I wasn't very critical of my writing or biases and just wanted a cool-sounding fantasy name. He is is a city guard in a city that is regularly attacked by fantasy animals for plot and environment-related reasons, and as I developed this character more I decided that rather than his original dark edgy backstory where he was called Firebrand because he was tortured, he now gains the name Firebrand because he survived a dragon's fire breath and came out of it with burn scars up his chest neck and arms, particularly on his hands that limits some of his movement and dexterity. I intend to make it clear in the story that it isn't a derogatory name, it's part of their society's theme of having names that signify how people survive things.

He likes the nickname and the meaning it has in his culture, because to him it means he's good at his job and he has survived hard times. Right now, the story is told through third-person P.O.V, and he is primarily referred to in non-dialogue narration as his nickname. In dialogue, he usually introduces himself with his given name and surname, but many people including the rest of the city guards refer to him with the nickname . His family and boyfriend will use either name for him depending on the context and company. At a later point in the story, when he and some others end up in a situation where they are dealing with fairies and the magical rules about giving them your name, his nickname gives him an advantage against the fairy rules.

Is this a reasonable concept at all, or is it all very weird to use an injury and acquired physical difference to identify someone with? Or, if the concept is alright but the name itself is bad, do you have any suggestions for how I might want to come up with a different nickname? I'm thinking if the use of the word "brand" in the nickname has too much of a negative connotation, I could try to replace it with something like "Firehand" or "Firebrave" that might have a clearer positive connotation to readers as well as his in-story society.

And although it's not the purpose of this question, I have been doing research about burn scars and treatment; this blog has been helpful! Since the burns were deep and he has limb tremors and cramps as well as scars, he has exercises and ointments to keep his scarred skin flexible, and he takes care not to take long tasks that will strain his hands with fine motor skills or whatnot. When on duty, his uniform includes gloves and a high collar for protection, but in casual clothing his hands are bare and his clothing doesn't hide his scars unless it's for weather protection. I may come back in the future with more questions about that, but I've determined what I need to start with about the physical effects his injuries have on him.

Thank you, and I hope you're all having a good day!!

Hello!

This sounds fine and pretty cool to me. The most important part is that the name isn't intended to be derogatory and that he actually likes it.

As a different disability-related example, "Wheels" and all its variants is a surprisingly common nickname that wheelchair users use (mostly younger guys). Sometimes you have a few of these dudes in one group and three people look at you when you try to call for one of them, it's just a fun nickname. Could it also be a cartoon-bully level derogatory insult if it was used for a character that hates it? 100%. It's very context dependent.

That's the same sentiment that's crucial here I think. Your character likes it and is proud of it? Go ahead. It makes sense in his cultural background and his nickname falls under a similar naming convention so it fits. I like the mention of how it reminds him that "he has survived hard times", since it's something that I've heard from burn survivors who explain why they choose "survivor" over "victim" to refer to themselves.

To answer your actual question: yes, I think it's a reasonable concept that makes sense in the character's setting. In another context yeah, it could be weird to identify with an acquired physical difference like that, but other people will do it anyway, you could as well make it "yours" and be proud of it, wear it as a positive. I don't think it's something that is an automatic "no" even if kinda weird. I'd go case-by-case and in your character's case it seems great.

As for the actual name, I agree that "brand" does have a negative connotation in English, all the criminal/cattle/label associations are less than ideal. I don't think it's detrimental to the concept like some other potential nicknames could be (looking at all the No-Faces and Half-Faces, which I do think are strictly derogatory) but if changing it to something less loaded wouldn't be an issue I'd probably do that. Both -hand and -brave are pretty awesome (the latter kinda reminds me of a warrior cat name but that's definitely a me problem), since they're either neutral or very positive in their connections.

Personally I care more about the fact that you're researching your character thoroughly, don't think that him being a burn survivor comes with some intrinsic negative traits, nor seem to put him in one of the Four Boxes. That's more important than terminology and vice versa - one could use the most up-to-date correct terms to refer to their OC and still make them into an offensive nightmare with bad execution. It doesn't mean that specific words aren't important but they (generally) aren't what breaks or makes representation that people want to see.

You seem to be doing good: my advice is to rethink the -brand part due to its connotations, and just keep researching as you write him.

Hope this helps,

mod Sasza

[stressfulsloth]

In regards to your post “and now I'm. Just thinking about the loneliness that is SO pervasive through Elysium.”…

I have one thing to offer, or perhaps nitpick if you’d prefer it that way.

I don’t think it’s entirely fair to say the Sunday Friend isn’t a real friend. The Smoker On The Balcony believes him to be a real friend, even if he isn’t going to be there come Monday morn. But isn’t that enough? A friend on Sunday is still a friend, even if it makes waking up Monday all the worse.

Perhaps I’m biased though! Now that I think about it, most of my friends would fit the description. “Fair weather friend” feels to cold, but “sunday friend” is good enough.

And of course none of this is to say your post is at all wrong. It’s lovely and true. I just felt the need to quarrel publicly with that little detail.

To conclude, since I really just did not make myself very clear here; you are utterly correct to include the Sunday Friend in a post about loneliness but I take slight issue with saying he’s not a real friend. And so I wrote you a very long ask. And now as I reach it’s end I’m realising this was a very silly undertaking. But I’ve come this far so I’m going to grow a pair and hit “ask”.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope it isn’t too desperately obnoxious.

Peace out ✌️

Ahh man I'm sorry anon but I'm going to have to disagree with you pretty strongly here 😅 tbh I was a little too easy on him in the original post. It's not necessarily the temporary nature of their acquaintance that makes the Sunday Friend's friendship questionable on its own, although it doesn't help.

The Sunday Friend is quite literally not a friend. "Friend" in his title is a euphemism; he's not coming to visit the Smoker because he's his friend. He's coming to visit the smoker to do a bit of poverty tourism, to admire the crumbling place that his beliefs have helped to destroy, and a bit of heavily implied sex tourism too. A "first world" tourist, a bureaucrat from the international government, visiting one of the most impoverished districts of Revachol to spend his nights with a student. He's not the Smoker's friend, he's a client. They're using 'friend' as a stand-in for his actual role, which is a) as a part of the moralist bureaucratic system repressing the revolution and keeping the city as a whole trapped in a laissez faire purgatory easily exploited by foreign capitalists and ultraliberals, while still maintaining a friendly respectable face, and b) as the Smoker's customer, exploiting the poverty of Martinaise's residents to get what he wants for cheap and using the easy mobility that his money and status give him. Imo he's intended narratively as a parallel for the moralist coalition government; he views from a distance, focused on money and *ze price stabilité* but entirely divorced from the poverty and consequence of his work. Happy to dip his toe in and make use of exploitable populations in Revachol, but always ready to leave too. When asked how he became 'friends' with the smoker, his response is literally to describe the coalition occupying Revachol.

He knows so little about the Smoker beyond him being there to study art, but what kind? "Perhaps graphic design? Printmaking? Who knows?" As to your point about the Smoker thinking he's a real friend, the Smoker is under no illusions about who the Sunday Friend is. An injection of money. Someone with power, someone with the mobility afforded to him by ownership of a non-Revacholian passport, someone content to watch the place decay and do nothing but indulge himself in pet projects and worry about bureaucracy. Someone with the freedom to leave when things get bad; a freedom that is narratively only assigned to a rare few extremely bourgeois characters. Dora, on her flight to Mirova, Joyce and her boat, Trant and his academic travels, and the Sunday Friend who will be out of Martinaise like a shot the moment things start to kick off despite being a part of the overarching structure that is responsible for Revachol's subjugation and rising political tensions. The Sunday Friend will use the Smoker's labour, use the vulnerability of Revachol's precarious situation to his advantage, then once it becomes too precarious or he gets bored, he'll withdraw. In answer to your question, no, I don't think that's enough. Again I probably oversimplified in my last post but the loneliness all throughout DE is not just an emotional state but a political one. Alienation is a major theme. As is the impossibility of building community in the face of capitalism relentlessly subsuming anything in its path, in the face of shallow relationships dictated by the need for survival. The Sunday Friend embodies that concept perfectly. He is exquisitely shallow in conversation, a perfect moralist who at all times strives to remain impartial and distant.

Anyway. Tldr; my point is that the relationship between the Smoker and the Sunday Friend is far more transactional, and far more exploitative, than you seem to believe. "Friend" is not being used literally but euphemistically. A 'fairweather friend' is better than none, sure, but that's entirely inapplicable to this situation. Sorry for the long post and I hope it's not too rambling- I'm surviving on very little sleep right now but I hope it clears up for you a bit why I referred to the Sunday friend in that way initially.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Alright, I took a quick nap and Ive decided that I wanna get the UTM reenactment over with as quickly as possible so Im reading chapter 42 and then I'll reward myself with some pain au chocolats and not thinking about this book for the rest of the day and watching the 2002 takarazuka flower troupe production of elisabeth instead. lets go

Chapter 42

here we fucking go with the illyrian wingspan-dicksize correlation, how would Amren even know that isnt she above sex or something. Honestly, I think Cassian would know wayyyyy more about that. on account of all the gay sex hes having i mean. I thought of that joke and then I realized that you could interpret it to mean that he knows about that because hes illyrian and has a dick, but I want to make it very clear that this is a gay sex joke

how come wings are so sensitive that just barely stroking them makes you moan and shudder but you can still fly with them in harsh winds with no issue. My headcanon is that wings arent actually that sensitive, Rhysand and Cassian are just weirdos with a specific kink

This conversation Feyre and Rhys are having about his wings is so weird, its like dirty and yet uncomfortably clinical

oh Rhysand is quicker than death just fucking kill me, im getting so angry again

Syphons are called 'Trichtersteine' ['funnel stones' or 'funnel gems'] in german which is more accurate to how we're actually told they work imo but it sounds pretty lame

Is it just me or is Rhysand being kinda weirdly paranoid rn. I mean granted, they did just get attacked with ash arrows so maybe hes actually doing a good job for once and Im just biased against him

Okay so we finally get some night court fae wearing white, but of course its not for moon symbolism its so they can blend in with the rock of the mountain because this series does nothing but disappoint me

The Hewn City actually sounds really cool, why couldnt this have been the secret city where we spend most of our time, you couldve made it a whole thing about Feyre healing from her trauma UTM through like, exposure therapy or something idk. That wouldve been neat and dramatic, her healing from her UTM trauma in the place that inspired it with the person that inflicted it. I mean, maybe that would be less healthy and even more controversial than Feysand already is but then you could atleast lean into the dark romance of it

I mightve said this already but you knowwww sjm is NOT a painter and consulted ZERO painters because Ive never heard of anyone think about creating art the way feyre does

and Mor is wearing red AGAIN why would you make this a trigger for Feyre just go back and edit it out its not like it matters

God, the description of her outfit is so deeply discomfortingl like it literally is exactly what she wore while she was being drugged assaulted but atleast they left the bodypaint out this time

"[Keir] looked at my face, then my body. I had thought that he would stare and drool greedily but... there was nothing. No emotion. Just ice cold. Shaking internally, - from anger and revulsion - I followed Mor." Im sorry, is she mad that Keir doesnt find her hot????

Theres something uncomfortable about Feyre referring to Rhysand as 'Mor's Lord' especially when we just had a whole paragraph describing her as a proud and empowered queen

"Usually, one Syphon was enough for an Illyrian to to able to steer his urge to kill down the right path." what???

Now shes describing Azriel as dark and beautiful as death and oughhhhhh i knoww im the only who cares about this and its for a pretty stupid reason but I care a lot and it makes me very angry

Feyre referring to a 19 year old Mor as 'barely more than a child' is weirdddddd

of COURSE hes wearing a black tunic for this, I cant believe this is the guy that the fandom has designated the fashion lover when he has two (2) outfits

Feyre describing Rhysand as sooooo powerful and beautiful with a face of nightmares and dreams makes me want to vomit, but more importantly, it makes me yearn to rewatch the 1996 takarazuka star troupe production of Elisabeth with Asaji Saki as Death who unirionically fits all of Feyres descriptors 1000 times better

Not Rhysand using Feyres Cursebreaker title while hes thoroughly humiliating her

Now Feyre is calling him a god, bro youre not gonna be able to have sex if you jack him off this hard hes gonna be all sore

Imagine being a hewn city noble and you all get together because your high lord wants something from you and youre kinda scared because hes the worst, and then you just have to watch him finger some random lady. and you cant leave because then he'll just kill you

I dont like that this is framed as empowering to Feyre, i think its one thing to write a female character who sexualises herself in order to empower herself but the fact that Feyre is doing this at the behest of Rhys automatically renders it non-empowering to me. Like yeah, she obviously consented to this but it wasnt her idea but this was not her idea and this is not something she usually does, the only times shes been sexualized like this is because it was part of some plan that Rhysand came up with

"[Keir] apparently clung to the power. But Rhys was the power." i hate that that sentence made me think of Keir/Rhysand as a ship why am I so goddamn yaoi-brained. And yeah, i know theyre related but according to Rhys himself, he and Mor are only cousins in the most distant sense, so. Man, that would make the IC dynamics so much more fucked up but also so much funnier

Theyre trying so hard to make this hot n sexy but its just so unappealing and dragged out. Granted, sorry if this is TMI, but I did just jerk off so Im all out of horniness for the next little while so maybe I just dont like this because Im not in the mood but idk. theres something so annoying about this, i think its how over-the-top and artificial Rhysands hotness feels, not to mention the fact that he is absolutely not my type

Imagine being Keir rn, just trying to do your job and tell your high lord everything that he needs to know, meanwhile his high lord is sitting in front of him fondling his new sex slave and you just have to keep a straight face. i mean, he sucks ass so i guess he deserves it but man

Presented to you with no further comment: "My breasts became heavy and full, longing, desiring, just like my crotch."

goddamnit, Rhysand just said that he put Feyre on his leash and then Keir made a kinda slutshame-y remark about her clothes and then I thought Rhys was like "maybe I'll put you on a leash too" but it was Feyre who said that. another loss for big gay incest

"He liked this as little as I did" uhhhhh no offense girlie but you actually seem to be having a pretty great time rn

I dont even know what to say about this part where Feyre is like, detaching herself from her thoughts that are calling her a traitor a liar and a whore ?? I think thats whats happening here?? Like, its trying so hard to be sexy but its invoking the imagery of Feyre's (and even Rhysand's) trauma and its just very strange

It took Rhys a fucking eternity to actually touch her pussy

What if Keir developed a voyerism kink because of this. would that be fucked up or what

Its so weird how Feyre thinks about how maybe Rhysand doesnt like sex or being desirable anymore because of amarantha and that certainly sounds like a trauma response he should have but instead it just never matters

"I had been tortured and tormented but my pain was nothing compared to his." YOU DIED

Oh man I cant believe I completely forgot about the absolutely iconic part where Rhysand gets so mad Keir for calling the woman he introduced as a whore a whore that he telepathically breaks his hand about it

what was the point of doing that, Feyre didnt even seem to like it that much

[pythagoras180]

Why I Hate Adrien

So a few people have asked me why I hate Adrien so much. I've given it some thought, and I've realized that my hatred comes from 3 sources:

1. Adrien is a passive, useless character and a waste of screentime.

Adrien is a very passive character. He doesn't really have goals that he works towards outside of romance. He doesn't feel like a real person with a real life. He's just an object for the actual main characters to fight over. And to be clear, not every character needs to be active or well developed, but thei screentime should correspond to this. Adrien takes up a massive amount of screentime in the show. And since he ended up being worthless, I feel like he personally wasted my time by appearing so much. His screentime could have instead been used to develop the other characters.

2. Adrien is a creator's pet.

While Adrien doesn't really do anything in the show, I think I still may have felt bad for the character if I felt like this was because the writers didn't like him or something. Thing is, Adrien is the complete opposite, as the writers are clearly biases *for* him at every turn. He's almost always portrayed as right, even in situations where he clearly isn't. "Chameleon" clearly portrayed his "advice" about Lila as good, even though anyone with basic respect for their peers wouldn't be okay with letting them be lied to. There's episodes like "Kuro Neko", where Adrien is very clearly in the wrong amd being unreasonable, yet he's still clearly framed like we're supposed to feel bad for him. Part of the reason he has so much screentime is because the writers love to insert him in every situation they can. Even his status as a passive character can be considered as the writers favoring him. They think he shouldn't have to do anything because he's such a precious boy, so everyone should just do everything for him. I'm not inclined to like a character that I feel is getting special treatment just because of who they are.

3. Adrien does horrible things.

Those last 2 points definitely provide potential for me to dislike a character, but I don't think it's possible for me to actually do so if that character hasn't done anything wrong. Well, despite what the writers want you to believe, Adrien has absolutely done a lot of horrendous things. There's the fact that he continued being friends with Chloé despite her remorseless bullying of Adrien's "friends". He keeps trying to date Ladybug despite her repeatedly rejecting him, to the point where it's straight up harassment. This culminates in "Kuro Neko", where he quits his job of protecting the city because he keeps getting rejected (again, this is portrayed as sympathetic). Like I mentioned before, he tells Marinette to let Lila continue lying to everyone else. And why does he do this? I honestly don't know, and neither does anybody else. There's no rationalization for this moment. But the point is, Adrien put Lila above everyone else for some reason. He also emotionally cheated on Kagami, hurt her feelings, and barely cared afterward. He didn't have to do anything to make up with her, that just worked out on its own. He tried to Cataclysm multiple people despite knowing that it can be fatal, and the only time he displays real remorse over it is when Monarch is on the receiving end. Oh, but he only feels bad for like a minute, then he's fine (I believe that that was just to make Ladybug's exposition about not being able to fix it fee more natural, he wouldn't have shown any remorse if that wasn't necessary). Oh, and then there's that one moment in "Passion" where he pretends not to know what the consequences of making a wish is and tried to convince Ladybug to let him make one. If she said yes, he would have sacrificed somebody else to heal Nathalie. The show has made it clear that this is morally wrong. To me, this is the moment where Adrien became irredeemable. Also, in the Paris Special we find out that Adrien became a mass murdering supervillain in an alternate universe because he's sad that his mom died. He didn't have any grander plan, not scheme to bring her back like Gabriel did. Nope, he just killed people because he was sad, that's how they presented it. I know that this is technically a different person, but the alternate characters from tbe special are meant to be pretty close to the originals, just with different circumstances. So I think this shows who Adrien really is deep down. So yeah, I think Adrien is one of the most despicable "good guy" characters ever.

So that's the reason I hate Adrien, in 3 parts. I wouldn't hate him nearly as much if it wasn't for all 3 components. Kind of a perfect storm really, and I don't think I'll ever hate another character this much, for this reason.

[altschmerzes]

hey saw ur comment on the man city fix it fic ab Jamie’s fathers death & was wondering what u disliked ab the Jamie’s mum and Simon part? not judging or anything im just curious!!

yeaaaaaaah so! from what ive seen at least this is a not particularly common opinion which is fine, im aware i have some particular biases and priorities and whatnot in this area, but it just… i didnt like that stuff at all. it really put me off actually, for a couple reasons. i'll get into why, but i know a lot of people like Really Loved that stuff and especially his mom - and it also gets a little down on season 3 and the writing team as a whole at some points lmao - so i'll put it under a cut.

(this got. very long. im so sorry.)

it basically boils down to a couple things: 1. what they presented us with doesn't hold water if poked literally at all in any direction, 2. it made me feel a little uncomfortable given the way everything else in jamie's arc played out, and 3. if they were going to do something like this, they needed WAY more time and narrative space to execute it well in general and specifically for ME to execute it in a way that didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.

there are a few things that i generally dread when you have a character who's presented to have some serious trauma related to their family and specifically to an abusive parent, and one of those things is the sudden inclusion of another parent in there who is just. everything is totally fine and normal and happy and not at all complicated with them! it always makes me feel weird and bad when that happens, especially when there is no explanation provided for how that like. fits in with the abuse we know they experienced as well. that is a matter of personal preference, and i can own that. i just don't like it, and it makes me feel weird and uneasy. and that's part of it here, but what's also part of it is that i think that - my personal feelings about this type of character choice overall aside - they did not execute it well given the story they'd already presented us with, the way they used these new characters, and how much time they spent on it.

the image they presented of jamie's mom and stepdad is like… very simple and positive and shiny and uncomplicated. it's just good. they just love and support him and are a positive and affectionate active presence. and that might seem like an unfair characterization of it because we saw very little and we know very little of what their relationship is actually like - we don't know what might be complicated, what might be messy, how often they talk, etc - but that’s honestly part of my issue here. we were given a sliver of a glimpse into jamie's mom and his relationship with her and his stepdad when jamie as a character is someone who is hugely defined by his family history and the baggage and trauma and danger associated with it. if they were going to do this, they needed to spend way more time on it. they needed to introduce her earlier, do something to make it jive with what we were already presented about her: some vague mentions, half of which were in past tense, and all of which seemed to imply very strongly that if she were alive (which there was a lot of confusion about!) then they were likely to some degree estranged, because it seemed pretty clear with the 'i don't know if she would be [proud] lately' bit that he literally did not know what she thought of him in recent years. and like. it seems like i'm nitpicking, but again, this is a character who has been so strongly based in and defined by his family and the like. past and current danger and trauma associated with it.

especially given how little time or attention was given to everything else with his family, it was just way too late in the game to introduce these characters and be able to do them and their relationship with the existing characters justice. like you’ve already got a complicated story you’re skipping most of and not giving its due do you really need to add more really complicated stuff in there. and then just go actually it's not complicated don't worry about it :) like. that just doesn't work for me.

so that's where i'm at like, not only do i inherently dislike this sort of element introduced with this type of character, which is a me problem, i also think the story they presented in that episode with his mom and simon just flat out didn't make sense and they did not have the time to make it make sense even if they'd tried, which they didn't. like... if things are just fine and normal and easy with them and she’s just great and loving and supportive it’s like i. So What Happened, Then.

it makes his entire arc make less sense. if she's just Been Here what happened? why did he need to be reminded that not EVERYONE in his life was out to get him? why did keeley have to tell him to stop battling everyone that was just trying to help him? why is he so isolated and adrift at the beginning of season two? why did she never attend a single match? why did we never see him text or call or mention her in a contemporary way? like there COULD be answers to those things that make sense with what they presented, but we didn't get any of those answers and those are big questions to me given they comprise like... all of jamie's character arc lmao. at the end of the day, throwing in the stuff with his mom feels... really disrespectful to the story they wrote with him (that they already fell down on the job with) to just throw that in there with no consideration or attention paid to how it fits with or impacts anything already established.

i truly don't think that every question needs to be answered in a story. i am not saying that. i'm not saying someone needed to turn to the audience and go here's the logistic details of exactly how and when everything that happened with jamie and his parents happened. but there are some serious issues with like, telling a coherent story, and utilizing the extremely limited narrative space that a secondary character in an ensemble show can be afforded. (especially when in season three it really felt like they were already racing through characters and plot lines and backstory stuff like the goal was to just drop info just to Have It and then never address or do anything with it at all.) why did they do that, is what i keep going back to. you're telling a story with very limited space and a lot of characters. so what was the reason for that stuff to be there? so that someone could lay the 'yea he was a dick but he made you into this person! you're so strong now!' foundation for ted telling jamie to forgive his dad and 'disappointed teacher face' him into saying 'thank you' after the 'fuck you'? or was it just fanservice that you didn't think needed to fit with the rest of the story narratively or thematically? because that's where i keep going back to as well.

it just... and this is the bitchier, more spiteful part of me saying this, the part that was PROFOUNDLY let down by the way they handled the aspects of jamie's arc to do with his family and with the abuse he suffered, but it feels like an attempt to use happy sparkly fanservice-y funny and feel-good scenes with his adorable mom and sweet stepdad to like. pull way back on the rest of his whole situation with his family like see no he’s fine! isn’t it great how funny and adorable his mom is! isnt his stepdad fun! everything is fine actually things with his dad are just ~complicated because james drinks :) (and then all he needs to do about that is grow up and forgive, he's just a melodramatic mama's boy, the pain is his fault and he'll be fine once he Forgives, and rehab fixes everything). i don't have some kind of conspiracy that this was their actual reasoning but that's how it hit to me - whoops we don't actually want to deal with the abuse so we're gonna sweep it way under the couch and look! see! here's his cute fun mom isn't she great! (He's Fine Don't Worry About It, His Family Is Actually Sooooo Supportive!)

but yeah that's the bitchy and unfair part of me so. that's not really my main point.

(i also gotta say everything about that sequence with jamie and company at his mom's house feels like... tissue paper thin and very fucking weird from both a narrative and a logistical point of view. the stuff with the actual people of his mom and stepdad aside, what the hell was up with his room? what was that poster of keeley doing there. when did that go up. how old was he when he put it there. yeah she's older than him by a fair bit but not THAT much older. and if he was putting it up as like, a teenager or something, why is the rest of that room decorated for a seven year old. parents preserve their kids rooms like shrines this is true but the idea of a like, jamie in his mid/late teens or whatever putting that poster of keeley up but also sleeping in a little kid's bed still is like... did you think about this at all. it really does not seem like you did. At All. it just goes to my spiteful fringe theory about that whole sequence which is “oh this is pure 100% gratuitous backpatting fanservice that nobody actually thought about in any real way whatsoever”)

sorry this got so long but i have a lot of thoughts on this and they get kicked up every time i see posts gushing about how much people loved georgie or those scenes or whatnot like everyone is of course entitled to their opinion and i don't hold it against anyone! but that stuff hit way different for me and just added insult to injury in an episode that generally seemed to handle jamie and his situation in a way i found cringeworthy and weird at best and offensive and victim blaming at worst.

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 32 – Weavers, Scribes and Kings: A New History of the Ancient Near East by Amanda Podany

This was my second real (published by a university press, has ~100 pages of citations and bibliography at the back) history book I’ve read this year. Which I think probably explains why it took me about as long to read as the other 7 books this month put together. Which is the opposite of a complaint, just to be absolutely clear. I’ve kind of missed chewing through a history book that would double as a decent self-defence aid in a pinch.

The title explains the book well enough – this is a broad survey history of the ancient near east. Specifically, it’s a history of civilizations that recorded their records and correspondences and stories in cuneiform on clay tablets. So the narrative begins with Uruk in Sumeria, follows it through the spread of city-states throughout Mesopotamia, expands its view to include Syria, the Levant and regions of Anatolia (and to a much lesser extent Egypt) and the western Iranian plateau in the late bronze age, and keeps that frame through the iron age until reaching the Achaemenid conquests and the decline of cuneiform in favour of writing in Aramaic on paper or parchment.

Part of that is just arbitrary because you need to pick some outer borders of what your book is about, but it’s also a fact that writing everything down on (often baked, either purposefully or because they got caught in a fire) clay tablets was a truly incredible gift to future historians. Paper and parchment and cloths decays away over the course of a historical eyeblink, whereas we still have legal contracts and bureaucratic records from literally four thousand years ago that were recorded on fired clay. Combined with some incredible archaeological luck, and we can see stretches of late bronze age history in higher definition than very nearly anything until, like, the Early Modern Period.

The necessary condition of that is obviously that these cuneiform-writing civilizations actually wrote enough down for written records to really let us understand their societies. Which did very over time, and is definitely overwhelmingly biased towards the great institutions and upper classes, but actually does seem to have been true! Podany all but dedicated the book Mesopotamia’s scribal class, and they got everywhere. And the change over time in just what’s written about - the spread of written records and letters from temples and palaces to the private homes, the spread in literacy from an arcane art only trained scribes would understand to something every halfway prominent merchant would be expected to grasp the basics of for record-keeping – is illuminating enough about how these societies evolved on its own.

Aside from all the waxing poetic about clay tablets, the book does try quite hard to be an approachable historical survey. To that end, basically every chapter is split into a few different sections, each pocket biographies of individuals (or, occasionally, pieces of architecture) that we have enough visibility of to make them a useful entry point to illustrating some broader aspect or society or important process they lived through. The vast majority of them aren’t great kings or conquerors, either – scribes, merchants, weavers, farmers, priestesses, and even the occasional slave get pride of place. On balance, the book tries to be a social history, getting across how people actually lived (or Podany’s best guess of it, though she’s quite explicit about what the actual evidence we have for every given biography is and when she’s speculating) is favoured over the exact sequence of battles and kings.

I’ve mentioned it before, but prior to reading this my only real familiarity with the ancient Near East (and specifically with the development of pristine states in Mesopotamia) was from Scott’s Against the Grain. Which adds a slight sense of whiplash to the entire first third or so of this book, honestly; as opposed to Scott, Podany actually seems sympathetic to the position that civilization was a good idea. Part of that is just that she takes the actual emergence of the first city-states as a given (instead of something approaching original sin), but the book very clearly portrays the growth of a literary culture, monumental architecture, specialized labour, grand and impressive rituals and festivals, institutionalized long-distance trade, and so on as interesting and impressive things worth studying and appreciating. It’s a book about a project of state-based urban-agrarian civilization, as told through its archaeological remnants and literary corpus, and as a whole it portrays that project as admirable and sympathetic. The book doesn’t brush over slavery or warfare, but they’re not especially focused on, either. Famine and plague actually are pretty much brushed over or at least portrayed as irregular calamities. A lot of the book’s wordcount is spent sketching out lives that seem at least slightly familiar to a modern reader, and making the Mesopotamian world seem like a place you could live a happy life in. Quite a contrast to Scott’s constellation of slave societies held together by brute force and exemplary terror, forever raiding the hinterland to abduct new workers to make up the losses from constant disease outbreaks and always on the verge of collapse.

Well, that’s all only mostly true. Podany’s sympathies for pristine states and bronze age empires does not extend to the iron-age Assyrian Empire. Her disdain for their whole imperial project is pretty clear through those chapters, and from her telling they (especially during what’s called the Neo-Assyrian Empire) were responsible for a lot of the brutal innovations that are now such core parts of imperialism. The mass deportation of conquered populations to settle and work other provinces, using exemplary terror to cow subjects, and royal legitimacy established nearly entirely through glorious victories in warfare and exulting in the same. (Along with less objectionable but still important practices like appointing regional governors from the centre.)

The book makes a real point of keeping a balance between men and women in who it focuses on. This is, I get the feeling, kind of just a matter of wanting to show off that we have a historical record that actually includes women in it as more than accessories and footnotes to men for this period (unlike, say, Classical Athens), But Podany’s clearly made a secondary goal of the book to try and push back on the whole image of a primordial and unchanging ultra-patriarchal order across all of history. So there’s a lot of attention paid to how the role of women in public life changed over time, and the sort of political and economic power elite women could wield. Which was actually quite a bit, as it turned out! Obviously nowhere in the ancient world was anything like a feminist utopia (and as a general trend, seems to have grown more patriarchal over time), but compared to a lot of periods I know more about, the available space for women in public life is quite a bit larger; on the upper extreme, queens and priestesses managed and controlled massive estates in their own right, and on the lower we’ve got plenty of bureaucratic records showing women in various prestigious or managerial roles. Always paid significantly less than men doing the same of course, but still a far sight from being totally cloistered or official ideologies saying women are soulless or incapable of rational thought!

Speaking of priestesses – Podany goes into great detail trying to describe Mesopotamian religion and the place religion had in the ancient near east. Which again changes over time – in the early dynastic period the great temples seem to have been the core organizing institutions of economic and social life, but two thousand years latter they were still rich and important, but relatively speaking much less central – but is basically always incredibly important. The endowment of high priestesses and the creation of some public work then given over as the property of an important gods were common themes of year names across the region’s kingdoms, and by all accounts pretty key legitimizing activities. The idea that the gods would sanctify oaths and punish anyone who broke them was likewise a pretty core part of Mesopotamian systems of justice. The book’s a bit vague on how the actual theology and practice of religion over time, but there’s plenty of lovely, evocative descriptions of rituals and festivals, and of the architecture of temples and design of the statue-avatars that were considered to be literal bodies of the divine.

The book’s also very interested in forms of government – both day to day systems of contracts and justice and land allocation, and the high politics of royal courts and governance. Though there’s unsurprisingly quite a bit more available on the latter than the former. Still, it’s pretty fascinating to the degree that the whole ‘absolute tyrant bronze age god-king’ was...well, not not a thing, but very much an occasional aberration. The growth of centralized royal authority was a real trend over a lot of the period, but especially in the beginning arrangements that seem pretty close to what we’d call a constitutional monarchy, with power shared with councils of notables, really do seem to have predominated. Special shouout to Ashur, which before it became a militaristic empire in the late Bronze Age was actually a prosperous trading city where the king was in large part a ritual/religious figure and the balance of executive power seems to have been held by an official who was elected by the city’s merchant class for annual terms.

I’ve done a poor job getting it across in this review, but the book does an amazing job really confronting you with the sheer depth of history – bronze age kingdoms and city-states were the dominant political institutions of the near-east for millennia. The period covered by the book is literally nearly as long as the period between the end of the book and the present. It’s enough to give you a sense of vertigo.

Anyway, absolutely incredible book, that I’m very happy to have read. Now I need to go find a decent one on Achaemenid Persia.

[cer-rata]

Hi! I wanted to ask about your process making of Conrad. I been thinking on creating my own oc but I really don't know where to start and when I read "heart of Gotham" he feld like a pretty solid character and very interesting too.

So I'Il like to know, how did you come up with him? Where did you started end how did you follow with his story?

And if you have advice on building a character I would love to hear it, thank you! :D

This is so nice? I think the biggest anxiety around creating a OC-centric fic is that your baby just won't be as interesting as the canon characters, or worse is actively agonizing to witness, so it is nice to see that he stuck out to you positively.

This is a lovely question and I want to give you a thorough answer.

Spoilers? I guess? But only for things I've already published.

On Conrad:

When I'm writing fanfiction, OC or not, I like to look at the existing world building, find a detail that I think is really neat, and then put it somewhere it doesn't belong. I love Star Sapphires conceptually, if not always in execution, and wanted to play with what it means to be powered by love, and to do it differently than the classic obsessive, toxic, homicidal Sapphire that Carol became back in the day before it was a proper corps, and Geoff did his lantern lore tinkering. But I also didn't want to make it a purely heroic, morally unambiguous thing. All emotions are neutral and love can go in a lot of directions. I knew it had to stem from some kind of pain, partially because that is the standard set in canon, and also because I feel that heartbreak is love at its most intense and difficult to control, and that level of extreme emotion is needed to attract a ring.

So I started thinking about the kind of person that would be capable of feeling love that deeply and then I realized that the most emotionally volatile time in most people's lives is the teen years. Especially when it comes to affection. I'm not excluding my ace friends here either, even if it's not romantic or sexual in nature, teenagers tend to form really strong bonds, due in part to the aforementioned emotional volatility. So I knew they needed to be a teenager.

I wanted him to be a boy because I think the love corps being gender biased makes no sense, and playing with masculine stereotypes of what love means interested me. I am a guy, I like to write what I know. I also wanted to play with the idea of what it means to be a guy in the first place. Conrad's boyfriend, Darren was kind of created to be a more standard masculine ideal: Big, strong, uncomplicated, aggressive. I think on a level Conrad envied that and the safety that came with it. Conrad on the other hand was more complicated. There's a lot of softness there, an emotional rawness even before the tragedy, and he doesn't hide that. He's very openly gay, honest and clear about that, but he's also not pressed to present in a certain way. He liked that Darren protected him, and he didn't like conflict. None of that was from a place of confidence necessarily, more an aversion to being inauthentic. He doesn't think highly of himself, but he's also not interested in pretending he's anything else. It's not that he doesn't care what people think of him, but he just can't be anything else than what he is.

Frankly, there's also a tendency to write black boys and men as wildly binary. Either hyper masc and aggressive or toothless and palatable. I didn't want Conrad to be so clearly defined.

So I had the basic outline of his vibe by that point, I didn't have all the specifics but I knew that I needed to create an awful situation for this emotionally vulnerable kid. That's where Gotham came into play. Bad things happen to people every day in Gotham, and despite that, the regular folk keep living their lives. It quickly became important to me that Conrad represent a very average person in a very strange city, with average ambitions and circumstances. Being raised in a working class home was a given, because I didn't want to lean too far into the poverty narrative, but I did want to draw some distinction there, and contrast that kind of worldview to that of the better resourced batfamily. I wanted to make the change in his status quo even more jarring by not making him someone with any ambition to be a superhero, and make his more typical understanding of the world clear and consistent.

I also wanted to make him the child of immigrants, but swerve away from the stereotype of the inflexible, emotionally unavailable first generation parents. They're not perfect, they are distant in how they respond to his sexuality, but it was important that they were smart, fairly progressive, kind people who clearly cared about their son and his happiness. I don't think a parent has to be wildly abusive to cause pain for their kid, sometimes they really are trying their best, and the kid knows they’re loved, but they still leave some sore spots to work through. I tried to take that approach with my characterization of Bruce too, actually.

A lantern ring is an incredibly powerful weapon, and Gotham doesn't usually feature characters that powerful, it doesn't fit the genre, and I knew that. So I kept him from training properly for the story so he was always struggling to figure out what he was doing as a way to not have to start him out with lantern-tier threats. On the note of the ring, I also was specific about countering the classic hypersexualized depictions of Star Sapphires, not out of any moral sensibilities (though I do suppose I’d feel odd putting a sixteen year old in a laser speedo), but because I wanted him to have to build the confidence to be showy if he even wanted that. His insecurities about his body are pretty standard stuff for any teenager, and while not a full on complex, I wanted to be a little realistic about what he was willing to wear. I wanted to emphasize that love is not just about attraction and sexuality…though yes, for him specifically those are factors. But specifically not the only places he draws power from. I like to think they all have a central love that they tether to, and branch from there. Were I to make another Star Sapphire after him, I would most likely go in a completely different direction and focus on a different facet of love to be the core of their power.

Anyway, so then I had "Gay Black Teen Boy from Gotham who is Nice Enough but Not Terribly Interested in Sticking His Neck Out." I then picked a life altering tragedy that was in some ways intended to mirror Bruce's and spark a similarly intense desire, but smaller and more focused in scope.

This may be hard to believe considering I made a character who is literally powered by love, but at that point I had no intention of having Conrad date anyone. The story initially was much more dour and lonely and I didn't anticipate a happy ending. It was going to be bittersweet at best, but tragedy was more likely. I changed my mind a number of times actually, frankly I think the fact that the story logically flows is amazing, because I was writing to at least four different goals over the course of it.

Damian made the most sense to me as a point canon character because of the ages I was going with, and how hard his personality contrasted Conrad's. I put them in the same school and tied him to the tragedy for convenience, honestly. I thought it would be interesting for Damian to be drawn in through his guilt and inability to leave a problem unsolved, and because of that grow to have a civilian friend who was disarming enough to not trigger his defenses, and THEN becomes wildly dangerous, so he'd already accepted him into his sphere and then had to deal with it. I...wrote them with more chemistry than I'd planned to (yes, Damian is a blorbo, I'll admit it okay), and suddenly it became less about the lore implications and impact on Gotham's power balance and more about whether or not either of them were capable of love anymore. For a long time the answer was no, their ill-considered hookup was supposed to hurt both of them to the point of closing off to each other...but I got to a point in my own developing worldview where writing that the answer is "Not everyone gets to get better" became untenable. And I didn't think that kind of pessimism even made sense for the story I'd written, its tone, and how I characterized Conrad and Damian.

He definitely developed as I wrote him. I generally only knew what I was doing two to three chapters in advance, so there was always some uncertainty, but I had a pretty good idea what drove Conrad early on, and knowing what he cared about was helpful. Sometimes when people talk about magic systems, they talk about creating a power ceiling and sticking to it. I kind of wanted to show you exactly what Conrad could be willing to do very early on, so there was always this question about where his center actually was. I assume you're up to date, so you saw the kind of darkness he could reach come up a few times, but notably always stopped before stepping completely off the path and into something more sinister. He's nice, he's so nice, and I wanted to show how nice isn't enough to build a moral framework on, and he's still figuring out what his actually is. That's going to continue being a theme for him even after the fic actually.

Somewhere in there it turned into an AU I wanted to explore more, and then I started projecting Conrad's arc further out, and I did make a few choices in service of that.

Anyway, on general character creation:

I think the most important thing is that a reader kind of understands what a character is about. Not that they should be predictable, but they should feel consistent enough that when you are surprised, you can think back and go "Oooh...no actually yeah, I see how that happened." And that only really happens when you as the writer know the core of what they care about. Conrad wants to feel Safe, and he wants to feel Accepted. That's universal stuff, but it's important because that's where his ambitions end. He doesn't know what he's going to be doing after high school, he doesn't think that far ahead. Darren was his world because he just doesn't think past the present. Because his desires are so simple, so primal, and become so painful for him, then I feel it logically follows that he's willing to break through what he thinks are his boundaries in order to achieve them. You can even threaten either of them separately, but when both are in jeopardy at once, he's willing to do just about anything really. So I as the author always knew what his tipping points were, and could sprinkle them around to watch him trip into them and hurt himself. I want the reader to be able to see where a scene is going and go "Oh. Oh no he's about to do something he'll regret." So consistency of desire is important, because it colors everything else. Then you can make him sacrifice those desires for something he's come to realize is more important, and boom, you have a cathartic/agonizing growth point and can recontextualize from there.

Themes are important for long work, but I like to figure out who the person is first and then pick a theme that they'd struggle with figuring out. Wonder Woman wouldn't struggle with any of this, and as such wouldn't make sense to explore the question through. I'm sure you can come up with a theme first, but I like starting with characters and figuring out what their story is.

Gender, sex, race, orientation, health status: These are all important to know, even if the story isn't about any of those things specifically, because every one of those details imply different experiences and invoke different stereotypes. So don't agonize, but do think about WHY you've made the character this way. Are you leaning on stereotypes? Have you accidentally recreated an unfortunate trope? I am a black writer, but even so, when writing a black character I need to be aware of what ideas I'm perpetuating. I wrote Conrad's anger the way I did specifically because I wanted to avoid supporting the image of an "angry black man," which doesn't mean that he cannot BE angry, but does mean that I need to be mindful of the way he is, and why.

There are a lot of spreadsheets and character question checklists and stuff out there, and I'm sure they're great for some people, but they irritate my ADHD and I feel like if I need to constantly refer back to what my character likes, especially my main character, then I don't have a strong enough sense of who they are, and I really need to, this is an OC, every decision I make is the only canon there will lever be, so I need to have a grip on what I want.

Don't be afraid to make them goofy. Conrad is so goofy, and it is part of why Damian becomes fond of him, but that's not why I made him like that. I made him offbeat and awkward (but not shy), to create a specific dynamic in his dialogue. He's not cool, he doesn't care about being cool, but he is still insecure, and that insecurity manifests in oversharing, in a certain shamelessness. He can't handle sitting with shame, his self esteem is too weak for that. So his lack of guile, and lack of panache are both fun quirks to help me differentiate his dialogue, but also important clues about how he takes things and then I can flatten those out when he's being serious, or scary. If a character starts out cool, and that's never challenged, then it's boring and you get into Mary Sue/Gary Stu territory. It's totally doable to start cool and then add nuance, but I think it's easier to start a little weird and then reveal why they're neat when the situation calls for it. My advice boils down to this: People love fuckups, they love humans, they even love monsters. The greatest sin is for someone to be boring, and being too sad or too perfect is boring. I have to let Batman have a sense of humor for that reason. 

Since creating Conrad I've also taken to picking some scenarios that people have a general standardized reaction to, making a different decision, then figuring out why that makes sense. Really early on I decided that he didn't get jealous easily, notably so, and worked out that it was partially because he doesn't feel entitled to anyone's attention, but also because if he loves someone, he wants them to be happy and that doesn't necessarily have to involve him. So figuring out that Jon had feelings for Damian didn't do anything to him, because, well, Jon is in the 8th grade, that would be ridiculous to feel threatened by at that point, but also because someone loving Damian that much to him is a good thing. He loves Damian, other people should too. Which is...kind of a good trait, if only it didn't stem so much from his lack of self-worth.

I think every character choice should be intentional. They don't all have to be deep, but the more specific you are, the more tools you have to play with, and the more ways you can twist them out of shape. When you make decisions and stick with them, you create limitations, and those limitations are where I think an interesting plot comes from.

Shockingly, I do have more thoughts, but I feel like this is already far more than you asked for, and I do need to finish chapter 12, so I’ll cut it here. 

Also…this ask truly made my evening, and as such I feel compelled to share a tease of how I plan to celebrate the completion of the fic.

Look at him go!

[pharawee]

I'm thinking of reviving my super random (and spoilery so be warned!) review posts for I Feel You Linger in the Air because I have so much love for this show and I need a place to gather my super random thoughts.

I read the novel back in spring not really expecting much beyond a pleasant read but it's quickly become not only my favourite BL novel but one of my favourite novels in general. Does it need an editor? Yes (but I'm an editor so I'm biased - but tbh I'd rather have these "imperfect" translations out there than not having them at all, and IFYLITA's translator did a really good job). But beyond that it's insightful and sweet with a hint of sadness and loss. It manages to capture the moment perfectly, painting such a clear and nostalgic (but not sugar-coated) picture of the time period(s).

I feel like this is exactly what the series is trying to capture as well. It's in the colour-grading and the lighting and the cinematography and the way both Jom as the main character and Chiang Mai as the backdrop (and I'd say almost a character in its own rigght) are introduced. It's in the mystique and the dread of Jom catching these glimpses of himself and what's to come. It's in the abrupt unravelling of Jom's ordinary life and the pain and loss (and later confusion and anger) he feels at not understanding how and why these things are happening to him - which imo becomes such an important theme later on as Jom gains understanding and acceptance. Because to me IFYLITA isn't just a beautiful love story. It's just as much about Jom (and Yai - but in the novel he's never a POV character until the special chapters, and he's never quite as aware of his past as Jom is, having lived every aspect of it) growing as a person. Not in a way that changes who he is - Jom is a very set and self-aware character who knows what he wants and I really like that about him - but rather in how he perceives those around him and his own feelings.

The novel also has a handful of spectacular and vivid bed scenes so I'm really curious how (and if) they'll approach them.

But on to episode 1.

I love this opening. It's so atmospheric and eerie. We feel just as out of place here as Jom does. And I love how he's the intruder here. This isn't his home, he's watching a very private scene unfold and it's instantly made clear that he's not (yet) wanted. The other Jom is more scared of him than he is in this moment. I also love how he's half in the light, half bathed in shadow, like he's already wandering between worlds. Ah, I love me a good foreshadowing.

And I love how we're then slowly introduced to Jom, to his work, his life, his mannerisms. He lights a scented candle, his flat is full of sketches, drawings and books on architecture. Apart from his work, he lives his life patiently and quietly waiting for Ohm, his boyfriend (who he met at university and who he believes is the love of his life). In his two years in London Ohm has never given him any reason to doubt his commitment, which is why his infidelity is such a heavy blow later on.

We are then introduced to another "character": Chiang Mai - as it is today with its busy streets and markets and landmarks. Old trees lining the waterways and what remains of the walled city itself. In the novel, Jom uses his knowledge about Chiang Mai to pinpoint where he is in the past and how things have changed. As an architect interested in art and culture he also makes a lot of observations about historical buildings and society - which is what makes the novel so special to me. You'd probably need a huge budget to visualise this on a similar scale in the series but they tried (and succeeded imo) with the market scene, and Khun Yai's house will soon become the visual focal point of the series anyway.

A house, which Jom specifically has been asked to restore by the owner even though he's only a few years out of uni.

And as with Jom's dreams, Jom already has a connection to the house. He's been seen by the workers when he wasn't there. He instinctively knows which key to use for the chest the workers found in one of the rooms. The chest contains several sketches that to Jom seem remarkable because they don't really fit the time period.

Hm, I wonder who drew those. 🙃

Of course, soon enough everything goes to shit.

And it hits even harder because Ohm's so much more callous and cruel than in the novel. In the novel, Jom almost becomes a bit of an afterthought, a side character, an inconsequential affair (and I suppose he's the affair here too) on Ohm's path to happiness. But here his actions toward Jom seem quite deliberate and careless. And his fiancée Kaimook is painted as just plain evil. It's like Ohm and her don't even love each other (when in the novel they do - with all the tragedy that entails).

I guess they really wanted to drive home how quickly Jom's life falls apart. And, damn, his speech about waiting for two years and somehow NOT becoming unfaithful was incredibly strong. Then again, he was the one waiting, holding his breath, essentially stopping his life to stay in Chiang Mai until Ohm returned. He's blameless, of course, but that's not exactly healthy either.

The attempted SA isn't in the novel at all. I get why they included it. It's very difficult to watch but it drives its point home. Content warnings would be appreciated though.

Then there's this. Commander Yai. I screamed. Here I was wondering if he'd make an appearance at all (and hoping they'd maybe end the series with a glimpse of him) but they just put him front and center.

The moustache is a necessity, I'm telling you. It wouldn't be Commander Yai without the moustache. Also, this is a fake moustache in an underwater kissing scene. All things considered this is amazing make-up. Embrace the moustache. Commander Yai is worth it, I promise!

Unfortunately, Commander Yai's early appearance might also mean that there won't be a second part of the series planned. They might just allude to Yai's past life without going into much detail - which I totally get. Another season about the Lanna period would probably be a logistical and budgeting nightmare. But still. Gimme!! 😭

Anyway, I love how Jom is immediately just so at ease with him. Granted, he's drunk, grieving and drowning but kissing a handsome, moustached dude during his near-death/time travel experience feels like the most normal thing ever. And I love how it's Commander Yai who saves him. The shot of him uplifting Jom was so beautifully filmed.

Good thing he's found by Ming my beloved and not a dozen angry bare-chested Northerners who promptly punch his lights out lol

And this is one of the moments where I wish I was (more, much much more) fluent in Thai so I understood more of the differences between Jom's Central Thai and everyone else's (old-fashioned) Northern Thai. I do understand there's a difference, and I do understand that they're using different vocabulary and some different grammar but that's about it.

Where is Jom's phone, though? He still had it in the novel and it's an important plot point later on.

I love Jom's brush with the old market. You browse, you buy.

Also Jom sitting down in a secluded spot and just devouring the food that was given to him. I don't know why but the scene really resonated with me. Maybe because it was as out of place as Jom must feel. Or maybe because it was so human - such a mundane thing to do after everything that's happened. Almost like the past is already much more soothing than the present that Jom has left behind.

I'm faceblind but that's supposed to be Ohm (in a past life), right?

Not Jom having an existential crisis over Ming namedropping his future father-in-law (and Ming pitying him in the background. He might be a bit strange, Ming, but don't even pretend you haven't already adopted him into your family).

Finally we meet the mystery man from Jom's dreams (sans moustache this time), and he looks just as suprised to see a familiar face as Jom is (albeit for very different reasons).

I love that they included the jasmine with the lantom flowers. Khun Yai only drinks jasmine-scented water so they're as much Jom and his flowers as the lantoms (and their meaning isn't as bittersweet either).

And then there's the underwater scene(s) which are just so imcredibly well done. So intimate and soft, and probably the only time Yai really looks as young as he's supposed to be.

So yeah, this series is so far exceeding all my expectations and I'm so glad we'll be getting twelve 1h+ episodes (and a special? And a second season? Please? 🥺) of this beautiful, beautiful show.

[a-wild-things-rambles]

hey can i hear your thoughts on john? :)

agghhhhhhhhh. thank you!

where do i start. his story is one i know a hundred variations of, abusive fathers, absent or neglectful mothers, siblings who got out, runing away from home into the big city, finding a [fuked up]family in the punk and alternative communitys, and trying to live.

i should say that i am very biased and unrelabal about him. while i have read hellblazer im due a reread and its always overshadowed by teh real people i knows experiences? idk in my head hes just another person id meet at the pub when i visit my dads old city. a guy you her about through the grapevine doing stupid shit and getting into trouble.

another warning of how not to live a life in a long parade. the fuked up sudo- uncle who's to old to change his ways and stop his bad habits.

which is a long way to say i have a personal stake in his story. im not john but i am gemma, im the second generation, growing up to see all the cracks in the so called freedom the previous generation fled to.

guilt. so much of it. the dead and the living. those you left behind. drowning in guilt, the only solution drowning yourself in apathy. then drowning un guilt all over again in atonement. self harm and self sabotage are his bywords. hurt someone cause thats all you can do then hate yourself for it.

john absolutely plays the 'my life is shittyer' game. and he hates being proven wrong. he has to be one of the worst off. because if there are people who have it worse then hes just a crybaby isnt he? lifes tough, get over it. man up. dont cry, you have it good compared to some people.

he hates it. like a lot of city white punks, he has a complicated relationship when it comes to people who suffer more than him. he will fight for them but he wont be nice about it. he gets petty about it

hes got the basics down: but its the basics, the surface level shit. he probably has more racist and sexist preconceptions than he'd like to admit. hes flawed. whats theory or any of that? he learns politics through music, and its not exactly well balanced. hes a white queer punk in the 80s. hes still better than alot of them.

it sums up to: he aint unlearned the shit. he knows its bad, but he hasnt fully unlearned it. [again. white punk in england in the 80s.]

violence. this man is good at picking fights with a look. eventually people learn to steer clear, but theres always enough wankers who are up for a fight.

his father beat him, and so have many others, so if he wins a fight, it makes him feel 'more like a man' or as he'd say it, tough. remember what i said about knowing shits bad but not unlearning it. yea. if he loses: he gets the punishment he feels he deserves, and the fodder for his self hatred about being weak.

double standards a-plenty. a cycle of ego and beatings and guilt and self sabotage.

hes bitter and hes stubborn and hes nasty.

alcoholic to [not that he'd say], and a smoker. grew out of drugs but messed around with them plenty in the past. now he dont like feeling out of control in that way.

he'll still get wasted though [not an alcoholic mind. probrably only phycologicaly addicted]

old dog who cant learn knew tricks. brittle metal, its bent some, but it cant anymore or it will shatter.

hes better than his father. but hes not good

hes self-aware enough to not want kids, not delusional enough to think hes managed to unlearn the shit his father gave him. better that his bloodline dies with him. better that he doesn't get the chance to fuck up.

end it, or sabotage it before he can be shown to be who he is. fuck up everything good because you might as well have control over when it falls apart. cause it will anyway. you hurt whoever you touch.

your cursed john.

a cursed bloodline. whats another way of saying generational trauma?

he hates his stister for leaving, he hates himself for keeping her there, he hates himself for hating her for leaving.

cause everyone leaves him, dont they?

hates gemma for her curiosity. hates her for her interest in his fuked up life. hates her for not hating him[yet]. hates himself hor hating how much better her home is than his was.

hates is sisters husband. hates that his sister wont leave him[hates that hes glad. if she started kicking out of her life the people bad for her. well hed be fuked]

hate. guilt. hate. self sabotage.

hes a messed up guy :)

[gabhrrng]

APOTELESMA

~ THE INFLUENCE OF THE STARS ON HUMAN DESTINY ~

…

To my newfound friend,

Estrellita amongst the stars.

The stars see you, they hear you, and they listen.

…

PART I STARFALL

She sat on her mother’s shoulders as they both stared into the night sky. The impromptu camping trip had been a welcome surprise, and she swore that never in her six years of existence had she ever been so excited. As a single mother, life in the city was difficult, to say the least. There was never enough of her, no matter how hard she tried, to provide her little girl with everything necessary to keep her safe and happy. Granted, it didn’t take much to make her daughter happy.

She was a simple girl. Kind, gracious, perfect in nearly every conceivable way (though some might say her mom was slightly biased). This world had shown her pain and misery from the very instant she stepped within its borders, yet she had greeted every misfortune with the strength, wisdom, and maturity of someone who perhaps had already lived a thousand lifetimes.

She was grateful for everything in her life, choosing to find beauty where others maybe wouldn’t think to look. Yet she simultaneously refused to see life as anything other than what it was, no matter how ugly living had proven itself to be.

So when the opportunity arose to retreat from a bustling city that typically only promised anguish, even if only for a moment, they took it. She’d sat trembling, quivering from anticipation for the entirety of the two and a half hours it took to drive to the little clearing where they’d made camp. No amount of reassurance had ceased her fidgeting throughout the day as she waited impatiently for nightfall. Until finally, finally, the sun took its final steps beyond the horizon and led way to complete and utter darkness.

For only a brief moment, she had been afraid. The twinge of fear would’ve been natural for any six-year-old girl who had never known true darkness, as the city never truly went dark. However, it wasn’t the inky blackness that struck a tiny tremor down Vanessa’s spine, for Vane had been forged in twilight and taught to dance by its shadows. She was no stranger to inky nothingness, and so her fears had alternate sources.

Vane, like most children growing up in the city, had never known the stars. Hadn't been gifted with the opportunity to see them as a result of the fog that semi-permanently resided over the city's skyline. So for the split second before the heavens opened up, the world held its breath, and Vane sitting on her mother’s shoulders held her breath with it. She prayed to every deity she knew, named or otherwise, to make themselves present in the form of the magnificent celestial beings she yearned to see. She prayed in fear of not seeing their starlight, of never knowing their glow. Because even though she was a daughter of ink and shadows, she feared a life that didn't know brightness.

One by one, the stars blinked into existence.

And once again, the world erupted into light.

…

They each peered down from their seats on high, watching in distaste as they always had at the fractured earth beneath them. Watching as societies collapsed in on themselves and tore each other to shreds. Stared in disappointment as man, once so promising, waged war on everything that could’ve once saved him.

It had become so very rare to find pure, unadulterated innocence in a world that actively sought to tear itself to pieces. Yet there she was, staring up at them with big hopeful eyes. Innocently calling out to each and every one of them, something they had not been witness to in millennia.

Intrigue may be an inadequate word to describe what was felt by that which is not human, but the stars found themselves leaning forward in their thrones anyway to catch a glimpse of what they had not seen in far too long.

…

The world might as well have stolen the very air from her lungs as Vane took in the sight before her.

Ethereal. Completely and unbelievably indescribable in its beauty. Hundreds upon thousands of stars, if not more, stared back at her, answering her silent call. They shone brightly, a cacophony of millions of different colors that managed to compliment each other in a manner that made absolutely no sense but could not have been more right.

The moment was beyond perfect, and Vane lost herself in the beauty of it all, the universe seemingly elongating the moment for her, allowing her to catch her breath. She felt small and insignificant, a mere speck of dust on the fabric of a universe far more complex and fascinating than her brain could ever comprehend.

Nothing could ever be as beautiful as that moment, in which she knew nothing other than awe. Surrounded by so many sparkling lights in a world that only seemed to want to harm her, Vane felt safe. She felt seen and understood. Her lonely world no longer felt so lonesome, no longer felt so empty or devoid of light. Nothing could ever begin to compare, until the first star fell.

Then a second one, followed by another. Soon, every star seemed to be falling. They danced amongst themselves in organized chaos as they fell, leaving Vane breathless and scrambling to pull herself back together. Tears fell from her eyes without her notice, leaving marks down her flushed cheeks. For the first time in her life, Vane didn’t need to go looking to find beauty. The universe gifted her this moment, in which pure, refined beauty had found her, made itself present and unabashedly asked her to bear witness to its magnificence.

So Vane did. She sat quietly on her mom’s shoulders, both of them looking up at the sky marveling at the stars for what felt like an eternity.

“Mami?”

Her responding “yes” had come in a breathless whisper, and she struggled to look away from the starfall and glance up at her daughter. Once she did, she found that Vane hadn’t bothered to tear her gaze away, her little head tilted up to the night sky, eyes glassy from the tears but still so full of wonder.

“Mami, do you think the stars can hear me? From up there?”

It took her a second to ground herself enough to understand her daughter’s question. She found herself looking back up to the stars again as she contemplated an answer but never found the time to reply before a small voice was cutting through the silence once again. She realized Vane wasn’t really asking, wasn't actually looking for answers.

They both stared at a sky full of stars, overcome by the spectacle above them.

“Do you think they listen?”

“Do you think they answer?”

PART II THE MAN ON THE MOON

I sit on the surface of the moon, existing in the space between the clouds and the galaxies, watching and listening.

I listen to the stars, listen to their songs and their twinkling laughter. Listen to the music that keeps them twirling, twirling, twirling until they're giddy with it and caught up in the magic of it all.

I watch people. Watch them build cities, build empires and dynasties. I watch them wreak havoc as they fight for peace. I watch them create. I watch them fall in love only to ultimately fall apart. I watch them be born, watch them live, dream, hope, cry, laugh, die. I watch them piece each other back together again, smiling prettily in an almost-entirely-whole sort of way just before they fracture again. I watch them attempt to do everything whilst accomplishing nothing, sometimes with only a breath in between.

I sit on the surface of the moon, watching and listening, the only constant amidst an inconsistent universe. I serve no purpose other than to see it all, because someone has to. I am the man on the moon, keeper of secrets, the eternal witness, and my time has come to an end.

…

I have no memory of how the world came to existence, and thus I have no knowledge of how I came to be. I know only what the stars tell me, not that their words can be trusted much. Stars are impetuous in nature, their attention fleeting. While their spirit is indefinite, their rememberings are anything but. Though their recollections are oftentimes barely coherent, their sense of judgement is impeccable. So when the stars tell you it’s nearly your time, you listen.

The news was nothing but hushed whispers at first, which isn’t out of the ordinary. The stars spend most of their time gossiping amongst themselves in between all their dancing, always in a constant flurry of movement. Once I was finally made aware of their whisperings, I must admit I didn’t think much of it at first. I’ve spent millennia watching and listening, serving what can hardly be considered a purpose. If my time had come, then so be it.

I hadn’t realized the gravity of my situation at first, I’d misunderstood the stars. Their celestial murmurs held a far deeper meaning than that which I had originally perceived. The stars hadn’t predicted my end, they’d predicted a beginning.

…

It all became painstakingly clear when the stars stopped dancing for the first time in eons.

There’s nothing the stars loathe more than looking down at the Earth. They’ve always hated the way mankind never failed to disappoint them, and so to avoid such disappointment they avoided paying humans any mind. Watching was my job, dealing the cards of fate was theirs.

Their one cardinal rule, however, was to never stop dancing. Until they did. And not only did they stop to watch the Earth below, they fell.

They rushed forward, all at once, in an overwhelming spectacle of color. For the first time in my immortal life I was stunned, frozen in shock before finally coming to my senses and rushing forward alongside them.

The event itself was breathtaking. I felt a frantic laugh bubble up inside me as I ran beside the stars. It was a spontaneously desperate feeling that enveloped my very being as I found myself surrounded. The world was full of color and light and music as we funneled down, down, down. I found myself giggling with them, jumping over them, skidding, sliding, floating, in a moment of euphoric bliss before coming to a sudden stop.

There she was.

Harbinger of chaos, weaver of dreams.

A tiny thing sitting on what is presumably her mother’s shoulders, staring up at the sky with galaxies in her eyes. My ending and beginning, innocently hidden in a pocket of the universe of her own creation. My savior, my successor, my fate.

Do you think they listen?

The world holds its breath. The universe straining to hear, to listen. While those five little words slip from her lips, a silent wish stumbles out from the crevices of her rapidly beating heart. I hold my hand out to it as it flutters upwards, landing gingerly in the palm of my hand.

I grasp her wish tightly, holding it close to my chest. A wish from the girl that caused the stars to stop dancing for the first time in eons. The prayer of a child that gave me reason to hope for the first time in millennia.

Do you think they answer?

Oh but sweet child, you are our answer.

PART III DREAMCATCHER

I no longer pay any attention to time. I spend a good portion of mine dancing with the stars. Occasionally, I’ll stop by the moon and sit quietly next to the man that lives there. I love to dangle my feet towards the clouds whilst watching the Earth. Though it feels strange catching myself looking down when I spent the better part of my human life looking up.

Dreamcatcher he calls me. I suppose that’s what I am.

The man on the moon listens to the stars, and he watches humankind. I do it all. I watch, I listen, I dance with the stars, and most importantly, I collect dreams.

I find the souls brave enough to truly see the world around them, see how broken and damaged and scarred it is. I look for the people who find themselves surrounded by hopeless situations. I find those who see life for the ugly, unforgiving thing it is and still choose to dream of something better.

I catch dreams of brighter, happier futures, collect them, and I make the universe listen. I bring the world to its knees for failing to protect those who needed protecting. I search for the smothered voices of the hurting and the oppressed and I amplify them.

I force the universe and all that is in it to not just listen but to answer, because listening isn’t enough.

“ Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow. ”

~ Langston Hughes

[1d1195]

SAM MY LOVE IM BACK!!!My feedback is going to a bit jumbled so i'm sorry if none of it makes sense lol

OKAY SO I LOVED DING  ROUND 3!!!!! Ngl I was a tad bit frustrated with Harry in this one but only because my guy is just a bit impatient when it comes to her lol And I know he means NO harm when asking her about what happened the night of her date and why she ended up in the classes like he truly just CARES about her so I get him! Plus with knowing his backstory of how he has always been a “protector” and his whole deal with how he processes his own emotions, it makes sense his behavior! But Cupcake is also going through it and it’s clear that they are on opposite spectrums on how they deal with things. AND it is something very hard to process no matter the outcome of it and it’s harder to say it out loud because it feels like it makes it ‘real’ if that makes sense lol. Anyways TELL ME WHY THAT GROSS MAN IS AT HER BAKERY?!?! I WANT TO SCREAM AND SCARE HIM AWAY FROM HER!!! BUT I'm glad that this was a nice way to lead Harry and Cupcake to have their own vulnerable moments! BUT AHHHH I LOVED IT SAM! YOU DID GREAT AS ALWAYS!!

NOW THE NEIGHBORS EXTRA 😭I LOVE RORY SO MUCH😭I think last month or so (i have no concept of time anymore) I re-read the whole story and extras in one go… I have no idea why my brain does this but it was worth it lol ANYWAYS ugh i loved it! I do love that bit of angst and once again it makes sense for Harry to feel like that! Was it the best way to react, not really but given the circumstances it was kinda the only option aside from talking it out lol But I really was NOT worried because they are END GAME! It was so cute! I just love them so much! But that's nothing surprising since I love everything you put out lol

Now my reasoning for my slight disappearance lol I have had two midterms this week and basically from now until the end of the quarter it’s mainly exams! I think I will end somewhere in June, I'm starting week 5 out of 10 next week! And I fear I will be taking summer courses :( I really fucked up my second year so that’s kinda why I need to take some courses in order to graduate on time lol . But I've only had a few TAs where I personally have been attracted to which have all been from my psyc courses lol and Ugh I MISS  MY HOT PROFESSOR 😭 I LONG for that man and its pathetic😭 and literally if you did call me an idiot, I would NOT blame you because I am one the majority of the time 😂 oh I wanted to be on my knees when he gave his lecture lol

And it really was nice! I got a limited edition Paramore/David Byrne vinyl and Lauefy’s A night at the symphony vinyl! And some other classical records! My main reason for waking up early was to get a Paramore poster and Sam when I tell you I CALLED all the stores within my city/county and only ONE had them, I wanted to cry! I didn't get it because the line was HUGE and the moment I found out they ran out I wanted to jump off a building 😀 But overall i had a nice time! And ooo what color is your record?

I totally get the shopping part! I too have my fair share of body image issues so I don’t blame you for feeling like that. But I'm glad you were able to find some clothes that you feel at least okay in! I'm sure you’ll look lovely in your choices! And I'm glad you had a nice break! You for sure have earned that little break! And don’t ever feel bad about not staying on top of your writing schedule, it’s a BUSY season for high schoolers and if you're helping with senior activities it’s so stressful! So be kind on yourself and if you need to miss a day or a few weeks of posting that’s okay💗

Hope you had a nice week back! I miss you! Hope you have a lovely weekend! Love you!!!-💜

So glad you liked Ding and Neighbors! I was a bit worried about Neighbors--I struggle with angsty stuff sometimes but I guess maybe it's the whole it's coming from my brain thing again. Maybe I'm biased but I love Ding a lot 😭 I'm really excited about it (so excited that I may have written the last part before parts 4, 5, and 6 lol)

ANYWAY.

OMG JUNNNNNEEEEE?! Ma'am I'm so sorry that seems so far away--I'm sure you'll crush it and it will be here before you know it (I'm VERY excited for June--I can't last much longer in my classroom I'm going out of my mind. This week felt endless and exhausting and I keep thinking every week is going to get better, less tiring and they're just NOT. Idk what the problem is.) I miss your hot professor for you 😭 I'm glad you have hot TAs you can sub in for him--def not the same but will help for the next five weeks.

There are no wrong paths in college. If you take extra time (or have to take summer classes) it's where you're supposed to be and it's not a big deal. You'll get it done and do fantastic 💕

So cool about your records! I love that for you! It's so funny you called stores for a poster 😭 (Fun fact: I HATE phone calls. Like an OBNOXIOUS irrational fear) I'm sorry you didn't get it, I hope you can find it at some point in time! I'm glad it was enjoyable overall and you got the ones you wanted. My one lonely record is bright yellow and kinda see through--it's really pretty! I'm not sure why I'm surprised. Everything Harry does is pretty.

Honestly, I think I will def be missing a few posting dates. I don't want to, but I think it's inevitable. I can't wait for summer 😭

No plans for this weekend! Hopefully it will be relaxing but I'm afraid I'll be filling it up with a million things I need to get done that didn't get done during the week. I plan on making sure I read and go for a walk on both days so as long as I do that I think it will be okay--and of course write Ding Part 4. (I also need to fold my laundry and vacuum but those are my fave chores). I hope you have a fun weekend planned--you deserve it after exams and not getting your poster 💕

Love you, bestie!!!!

xoxo

[audio-luddite]

Warm up sound.

Last night the wife was away for a bit so I could play it loud. While I made dinner I plugged in my iphone and let the thing run. I gotta say that it does not sound that great at first. It takes an hour or so to smooth out the edges. I am sure this is mostly if not entirely in the Franken Amp. It sounds harsh. I suppose there is a subtle thermal thing going on. Offsets and biases are set warm so there is that.

Back in the old days (really old tube days) the machines would not even work until they got hot. It is a bit frustrating, but I understand it and expect it.

Specifically there is harshness in voices and sibilance is exaggerated. It is not bad bad, but I expect better. Once it finds its happy place there is none of that. Once I ate, I made a cocktail and sat in the good spot and listened to more itunes. I was not sure what I wanted, so I tried a few things.

One album I listened to was "Graceland" from Paul Simon. It is interesting musically, historically, and technically. Talk about multi-track mixing from different continents and time frames! Still it hangs together. There is no "reality" as it is pure studio stuff, so you must concentrate on the textures. In Itunes there is some harshness in places, but the timbres of instruments is present. I lacks some life.

Later I spun up the 180 gram LP pressing of the same and night and day better. My favorite bits were with Ladysmith Black Mambazo. Pure human voices in a group recorded in a space. I know this album well. I was struck last night that the lyrics were much clearer and understandable on the LP. PS can mumble sometimes especially in "You can call me Al".

I also did a bit of Loreena Mckinnett as well I like it. Very clear vocals and well recorded instruments.

Does anyone remember Gerry Rafferty? (He died in 2011.) I have "City to City" there is a famous Sax Riff on the song "Baker Street." Very striking as is the guitar stuff. I like his songs and for some reason had pulled this album out of the rack downstairs a while ago, and last night played it. I am always fascinated how spoken accents disappear or are neutralized when singing. GR was Scottish and I think from Glasgow. Scotts English sounds like another language all together. I am pretty good at listening, but it is a true challenge.

I have noticed a few small differences in the turntable. Rumble is often noticeable on lead in tracks, but then can be ignored when the music starts. I think also the new suspension dampers make a difference. Music was a bit loud last night. No sign of it hearing the speakers. I turn it up so it is just below my ears complaining. It is sort of like clipping in my head.

I shut it down as I was tired and the drink was working.

[my-deer-friend]

I love the amount of time and engagement you are putting into your reading! Combining the core text with an exploration of the primary sources is an excellent way both to learn more about the topic, and to evaluate the interpretation of those sources by the author. Like any historian, Massey has his own biases, opinions and perspectives, and you don’t have to agree with all of the conclusions he comes to.

Let’s start with Francis Kinloch! John and Francis probably knew each other back in South Carolina (based on the fact that John and Francis’s sister Mary Esther were acquainted). They overlapped in Geneva for about three months – Francis arrived in about May 1774, and John left for London at the beginning of August – and moved in the same social circles; there were many English travellers who passed through the city, including dukes, earls and other notables, and a group of expats who had taken up residence there. It’s clear from their subsequent letters that John and Francis deepened their friendship during that time, and it certainly has a homoromantic dimension, but there is no evidence that points me to believing they had a sexual relationship (not that this is the kind of thing you’d write down, of course). Their letters just don’t seem to reflect that kind of intimacy, in my evaluation. I’m also not personally a proponent of the “breakup letter/rebound sex” theory, because I don’t think Francis was as central a figure in John’s life as the theory requires (certainly not by 1776), and I don’t think that motivation was needed to push John into Martha’s arms.

John was a frequent visitor to the Manning home, and it seems that he became close friends with Martha – to such a degree that it looked, per Massey's research, like he was courting Martha. And perhaps he was! But there are a few things that suggest to me that he wasn’t. In John’s social class, spouses were chosen based on a range of factors, both emotional and practical – but neither seems to be strongly evident here.

Considering the sentiments John expressed after their marriage (as little as has been preserved), it doesn’t seem like he was deeply in love with or concerned for Martha; even the letter he writes to Henry on the day of his wedding only serves to apologise for adding Martha to the family. This isn't framed as a love match.

From a practical perspective, he certainly could have made a “better” match if he was choosing purely based on socioeconomic factors, and it would not have made sense to marry an English girl given the political situation at the time.

I don’t agree with your comment that “the standards of the time encouraged him to sleep with her” – I think the opposite is true. Extramarital sex could be very damaging to a young woman’s reputation and marriage prospects, and could obviously result in unwanted pregnancies (bad for the mother and child alike). It was also against the religious and moral standards that John supposedly upheld. It wasn’t uncommon, but it was not encouraged.

Beyond that, it’s important to remember that people in the mid-to-late 18th century didn’t have the same conceptions of gender and sexuality as we do, so even though John likely felt same-sex desire, that on its own would not have prevented him from exploring heterosexual relationships. That doesn’t make him any less contextually queer, and we don’t need to erase Martha to maintain that interpretation. I certainly don’t think she coerced him into sex, or that social pressure drove him to it. The likeliest explanation is that they both wanted to, and they messed up, and then dealt with the consequences in the least damaging way. I’ve shared some of my other thoughts about Martha here. I do however think that part of the explanation for John’s later emotional distance from her (assuming they had genuinely been friends before) had to do with resentment about what happened.

Oh, I'm after reading some letters you recommended me to read from Henry Laurens Papers! Thanks to this reading his bio is much better because I actually know how MUCH pressure Henry Laurens put on his oldest son. 

John was constantly reminded about Virtue and poor boy was so scared of losing his father acceptance, he letters to him are so heartbreaking and you can feel how unhappy he was with some choices to make his father HAPPY.

I'd be very interested in what specifically you found heartbreaking, and which choices you're referring to, if you'd like to share!

In either case, I want to encourage you to resist a one-sided interpretation of letters like that and keep the broader context in mind.

Yes, Henry was a strict father – but he was not vastly more strict than others at the time. As a single parent, he had the duty of ensuring his children would be set up for success in the world that they lived in. The things that he encouraged John to do – live frugally, choose a financially viable career, build a positive public reputation, practice the virtues and behaviours of a gentleman, prioritise his family – were very much in John's interest, and importantly, John aspired to many of those things too.

Henry's advice and directions lined up with societal expectations for young men at their time. You can certainly make the case that he held John to a higher standard than other sons in their orbit, but he also gave John a lot of freedom to make his own choices – such as in his education and his career – and trusted him to make those decisions for Harry and Jemmy too. Again, whether it was entirely fair to give him that degree of responsibility is something we can discuss, but we also shouldn't ignore that John was largely equal to the challenges, and he had support as well (financially from his father, and more generally from his uncle and aunt, the Mannings, and other friends of the Laurens family).

The other thing to remember is that, from 1776 onwards, Henry believed there was a very real chance that he would be killed for taking part in the American rebellion, and his entire fortune lost – so it would be up to John to play a pivotal role in supporting his family financially and societally. Was it unfair? Probably yes. Was it their reality at the time, despite whatever Henry or John may have wanted? Also yes. In either case, John made his own decision and returned to America against Henry's wishes, and Henry supported his choice, even though he disagreed with it.

I'm not trying to say that Henry was a perfect father; like any parent, he had his own biases, ideas about proper conduct, "old-fashioned" notions, and – because he was a product of his society's norms – expected his children to obey his instructions (at least before they came of age). At the same time, he encouraged John to make the most consequential decisions for himself. I don't think Henry would have been "happy" if John had made himself entirely miserable for the sake of gratifying him; equally, Henry would not have been a good father for his time if he'd just let John do whatever he wanted, and neglected to give him a framework of virtues and morals to live by. We need to keep in mind which standards we are judging a set of actions by.

[galadhremmin]

We have derived Caranthir liking the Dwarves (and vice versa) because apparently, Finrod succeeds in every field Caranthir fails, and at this point it's clear this derives from the in-universe writer of the Silm and his own biases. Think about it: "Dark Finwë" , a grumpy, prejudiced lordling, and "Hair Champion", most handsome, noble king, have met with the same people!! Yet the king of the first secret kingdom is everyone's friend, but the prince that trades with them regularly is not... seems sus.

Hence, Caranthir is friends with the Dwarves. (But that is just an interpretation, so you're free to think what you wish, I just have several opinions on in-universe prejudice and the almighty narrative.)

I think that 'we' might actually have been Dawn Felagund years ago. Maybe this reading existed even before that, but I doubt that-- she's been very influential in silm fandom and was long before tumblr was much of a thing. https://dawnfelagund.com/caranthir-the-slandered

I wouldn't say it's 'clear' that what amounts to Caranthir's entire documented personality derives from the bias of the in-universe narrator, though as you can see from Dawn's writing it's a reading you can argue for. There are a number of different approaches you can take to the Silm and its biases anyway. One of the few times when it's absolutely clear the text isn't telling the entire story is when it talks about the Easterlings. I've posted about this before but the recorded names are, uhh.... the ones to betray the elves are unlikely to actually have been named things like 'ugly lord' and 'ugly beard.' 'Dark Finwe' on the other hand is a documented reference to his haircolour being dark like Finwe's own; hardly a negative judgement!

I personally think Caranthir can be exactly as ill-tempered and prejudiced as the Silm paints him without becoming an unsympathetic character. If a writer cannot make a moody, deeply prejudiced man an interesting character that is a failure as a writer; there are after all enough books who manage exactly that. That is not to say choosing not to write him that way is a failure (obviously not), but it's not necessary in order to make a reader feel for him at all.

Just going by the text, I think it actually might make for a more interesting narrative to explore in fic to me. Because he does change his mind about something, and at a very specific moment; when he meets the Haladin. That is much less dramatic if he secretly been as nice and popular as Finrod, and got along with everyone all the time already. He's been raised by Fëanor, who said things like 'No other race shall oust us!' and rallied the Noldor not motivated enough by vengeance for Finwë alone by playing on their deep-seated fear of being replaced by the Secondborn. Very unlikely that had no impact. At best it has made him uninterested in humans in his area (while they're not much of a threat to ruling instead of the elves anyway). The text says they paid them no heed.

And yet! Caranthir sees how brave Haleth and her people are. He 'does her great honour.' He changes his mind and offers them lands. His tragedy to me is not that of a slandered figure, but of this deeply, deeply prejudiced person raised to distrust the motivations of human beings -- who overcomes those beliefs, offers friendship, is rejected! then extends that same trust to the Easterlings anyway... and it's those specific Easterlings, not the ones who ally with his brothers-- who betray them all. And cause the disastrous ending of the Nirnaeth. It's the 'to evil end shall all things turn that they begin well' part of the curse hitting him in the least fair way possible. Someone finally changes for the better, and the outcome is treason and destruction.

That is a very good character arc to me, actually. His aesthetics-based scorn for the Dwarves is reprehensible but strikes me as deeply Elvish, and part of his prejudices. Naugrim is too unflattering a name for them for it not to be common. His temper-- well why can't he have one? Sure there's only one recorded instance -- but that's imo because there are hardly any conversations in the Silm! Anyway I like some people with tempers well enough. Personally I think people are missing out on opiniated grouches.

Obviously the biased anti-Feanorian Pengolodh reading is a nice one, and I have enjoyed a lot of stories written based it. But it's not at all a reading that is necessary for me to read Caranthir as a flawed but sympathetic character. He can have serious faults and still, ultimately, be someone I feel for.

What I was asking though was if I overlooked any canon evidence of Caranthir being particularly, personally fond of the Dwarves; and it seems I did not. Also; there is room for Caranthir growing to like the Dwarves over centuries without an anti-Feanorian bias reading this strong, there is simply no evidence for friendship in the rather barebones narrative (I'm not interested atm because it's wildly overdone to me & I like variety).

That said, in my opinion making Caranthir the hidden, slandered Feanorian Finrod equivalent with a dash of Curufin's Dwarf affection is not as enjoyable as simply working with what little canon character is actually there. Because there is one (and it's not the greedy tax collector of some fanon depictions either imo)

1. To start with, wrt Caranthir as the anti-Finrod, I don't think it works that well. Sure sure dark/light, open/prejudiced, repressed/shouty, but different motivations, different locations, plus they meet very different peoples even if both are Edain-- besides, Caranthir's own older brothers do successfully ally with the Easterlings without betrayal, while Curufin (much more so than Finrod! no Khuzdul for Finrod!) is the Dwarves' Friend(tm). Also, a flawed Finrod already exists. That's just the regular edition. He has his own faults and (very different) tragic arc.

If Finrod never seems to have strong prejudices to overcome, and if he's not confrontational (which... look he's a diplomat. Make of that what you will. Pretty awkward there in Doriath, buddy!) he does have trouble facing his own complicity (he wanted to sail those ships despite the murders) until Sauron beats him to death with it. He leaves Valinor with the idea of ruling but he has to give up the crown. He's ambitious, he seems emotionally repressed, he's.. possibly paying the greater Dwarves to drive the Petty Dwarves out of their ancestral home to build a city? Oops. Depending on the version you go with in that case, of course; there's also ones where he's free of the blame of that one. Not of wanting to sail those ships and being uneasy with the guilt wrt wanting to do so despite their being stolen and murdered for though. No he doesn't kill; but he wants to use the result of it anyway, and to make it worse he is actually half Telerin.

There's also (to be fair, only for sure after the disaster of the Sudden Flame because that's the recorded instance) his guards killing random innocent trespassers to keep his kingdom hidden -- yes, that's right there in Silm, yes he's still King at the time. Beren has to wave that ring. People just seem to miss that he'd be killed without it somehow.

I think it's just too easy to reduce him to the golden perfect opposite of Caranthir. Yes he's described more positively; he's also just mentioned more because unlike Caranthir he rules an actual kingdom, the greatest and richest in Beleriand in fact; and does things that have a lot of very longterm effects, like helping B&L steal a Silmaril. They don't 'meet the same people' anyway -- the Haladin have a different culture from the Beorians which contributes to their reaction to Caranthir (and iirc their later fate).

Sidenote: Dawn's essay attributes the Green Elves helping the Feanorians at Amon Ereb to Caranthir's diplomatic skills; but why not to those of Amras or Amrod? This is the quote; 'Caranthir fled and joined the remnant of his people to the scattered folk of the hunters, Amrod and Amras, and they retreated and passed Ramdal in the south. Upon Amon Ereb they maintained a watch and some strength of war, and they had aid of the Green-elves' -- nothing here indicates it was Caranthir who got them that aid. In fact A&A are the hunters, i.e. more likely to have roamed in various forests where they would have encountered Green Elves, imo.

There's also the very desperate times to consider in which this aid takes place. This is just post Sudden Flame, and even if the Green Elves didn't like Caranthir they probably liked him better than Morgoth. Also, speaking of cosmopolitans, Maedhros allies with, yes, Dwarves (Azaghal), Grey elves, Easterlings (and you might say: Fingolfinians); even part of the remaining people of Dorthonion rally to Himring post sudden flame (that means Edain and Arafinwean followers in Himring, at least for a time), and he manages to be friendly with Felagund despite calling him a badger. ;)

Finrod is not the only other leader to forge diverse alliances, and though B&L ends happily his people mostly do not. Caranthir's not much like Finrod in any way. Not in motivations, temperament, tragic arc. That's fine. No hidden kingdom for a dragon to eat either. Finrod could probably do with being a little less like Finrod sometimes, though he's well-intentioned and likable. Caranthir loves to shout and isn't sneaky. Good for him.

2. Curufin also already exists. His love for Dwarves is one of his defining and redeeming characteristics and boy does he need them. He's daddy's favourite, a sneaky overambitious bitchy bastard who is also a talented smith and linguist, and truly considered a Dwarf friend, which is apparently exceptional. He's quite flawed; tries to help Celegorm force a political marriage, laughs with a bruised mouth, seeming to lose his mind while attempting and failing murder after first losing his own stronghold and then the city he tried to take from his cousin. He's just... a personality. Mostly a bad one! You can feel for him though, because he seems like an utter mess. Many 'i would love to study you' feelings on my part. Would hate for him to be real but also I'd pay to be his therapist.

3. And then finally there's Canon Caranthir. A difficult, prejudiced person who despite that (which doesn't at all have to mean there is no despite, the despite is what makes it juicy)

- seems to be responsible for re-establishing (large scale?) trade with the Dwarves, whatever he might think of them (and they of him) to their mutual benefit. I don't think he's greedy either. It seems like a mutually profitable situation. Access to Dwarvish goods seems pretty vital to Beleriand, and facilitating trade is a real service.

As someone pointed out in the replies, the Silm does mention Dwarvish companies travelling east to Nan Elmoth and menegroth various times, but quote wrt Caranthir says 'Caranthir’s people came upon the Dwarves, who after the onslaught of Morgoth and the coming of the Noldor had ceased their traffic into Beleriand' and 'when the Dwarves began again to journey into Beleriand.'

They stopped at some point and Caranthir's people made it happen again.

- which means he's practical. He seems like he's good at organising, and setting his own feelings aside if necessary despite his prejudice and temper (which is an achievement it wouldn't be without his, hm, everything). Also he and his people as well as the Dwarves work together well because ''either people loved skill and were eager to learn,' despite their (initial?) mutual dislike. Those aren't bad characteristics; seems like it was an exchange of skill as well as goods and possibly providing safe travel opportunities.

I don't like the 'greedy Caranthir' fanon and don't think it is even that easy support entirely with canon. 'They had of it great profit,' the text says-- both Caranthir and the Dwarves. They exchanged skills and knowledge and Caranthir seems to have helped them start trading in Beleriand again. That's hardly Scrooge Mcduck.

- Another thing we can say about canonthir (lol) is that he apparently attaches a lot of value to aesthetics (was he a visual artist? is a he a sculptor like Nerdanel? WORSE: AN ART CRITIC?! Feanorian art critic is truly nightmare fuel) and that's why he dislikes Dwarves (of all things...). Either way points to 'aesthetics' as something apparently important to Caranthir. Which makes sense given who his parents are. What is interesting to me is that this apparently DOESN'T matter to Curufin, who is a lot like Feanor in most things. That's interesting!

I've never, never seen this but I think it would be very funny to attribute his aesthetic prejudices to Nerdanel. I love her; but why should her opinions be perfect? I know she wasn't considered beautiful herself, but she's an artist. She's got to have had some strong opinions on aesthetics anyway. I doubt it's the beards; Mahtan had one as well. And 'stunted'...at least some of this comes down to the Elvish obsession with height yet again. Hm.

- eventually Caranthir overcomes what have to be some very deeply held beliefs about human beings and their place in the world, and offers what for all intents and purposes looks like real friendship, not the ruling over Men Feanor seems to have had in mind at best. He's capable of real change!

Anyway his character works just fine to me from canon, and what he achieves and the ways in which he fails are more interesting that way rather-- neither slandered Feanorian Finrod 2.0 nor Curufin 'Dwarf Fan' Feanorion without the sneakiness and murder attempts pack the same punch as a stupidly prejudiced grouchy man doing his best anyway for centuries in this stupid ugly cursed land, eventually changing for the better, opening up-- and being brutally punished for it by the Doom.

Dammit. I hope there's therapy in the Everlasting Darkness.

hm a bit long but that's what I get for trying to gather my thoughts wrt why after considering it a bit transferring Curufin's love for Dwarves to Caranthir is a bit boring to me personally. Though there are still stories that still do it very well.

[thefirstknife]

SIGH

Myelin released a video today arguing that Osiris is already dead. I disagree with most of his arguments and also am not a fan of some of them in particular and I want to address this in case people watch and are confused. And I assume people will ask questions about it. I think Myelin himself is also confused about certain things he mentioned and isn't interpreting them properly.

Disclaimer: obviously I am biased when it comes to this. I want Osiris to not die. This isn't an attempt to entirely disprove the theory that he may be dead already. Ultimately I don't know if he's dead. I'll do my best to look at it objectively and also address Myelin's points objectively.

I'll try to summarise Myelin's points and address them but you can always watch his video yourself to make sure I didn't interpret him wrong.

Now, Myelin's main point is that Osiris was possessed by Savathun instead of Savathun making a meat puppet/clone in his image or simply shapeshifting into him. His first proof is the Wolftone Draw bow lore. We've all read the lore and Myelin also reads the lore.

First, he wonders how Osiris is seeing what Savathun is doing. Obviously, we have no answer for this yet. Myelin's position is that this is proof of him being possessed and him trying to break through the possession. He also says that some of it seems like "Osiris views his own body in a third perspective." Which I agree with!

What I disagree with is Myelin saying this could mean Osiris' "physical body was destroyed" and that he may be floating around in some form similar to Toland. I'm not sure why complicate the matter in this way when the most obvious answer to this is simply that Savathun has created a clone or shapeshifted into a form of Osiris and the real Osiris is trapped somewhere. The lore seems to indicate this pretty clearly to me:

I cannot speak, cannot breathe, I reach for Sagira but then I remember… I form a fist but feel nothing, I am bound, and as I thrash the images cut fissures through my mind—

And:

She has stolen my form, my voice, but someone will see my failure and cast her out… they MUST—

These seem to me like he is somewhere and he is seeing through his clone's eyes at certain points. It would fit Savathun's MO to torture him in this way. She assumed his form and the real him is bound elsewhere, somewhere safe. I've said so before, and it turned out to be true: Savathun is using Osiris as a bargaining chip so possessing him would be much riskier to her plan than simply keeping him imprisoned somewhere where we can't get to him and where he can't break free from possession. It would make no sense for her to kill him.

As for how he's seeing things if he's not possessed: Savathun is THE Witch Queen. She has exhibited a wide array of magical and paracausal abilities, including the ability to shapeshift and watch others through objects and living beings. Osiris specifically says that he is "bound" and that the images of what she's doing "cut fissures through his mind" and that he's "thrashing," as well as asserting that Savathun "has stolen his form." If he's bound somewhere in her throne world, she may very well be using some sort of Hive magic to inflict images she wants him to see upon him. Just enough to allow him to know that he is a prisoner.

I'm not sure why Myelin only makes two positions: either he's in third perspective without a body like Toland OR he's possessed. The third option is right there: Savathun assumed his likeness.

That brings both Myelin and me to his next point which he positions as the "real turning point" for him. It's from the Chrysura Melo autorifle:

Savathûn, physical form a twisting instar, emerges from the shadows and crawls over the shattered pieces of the Ghost. She reaches toward the ruined man.

Myelin focuses on the bold part, a specific word: "instar." This is a nice catch btw, something I haven't noticed before. He describes what an "instar" is. Tw bugs for that link, but an instar is "a developmental stage of arthropods, such as insects, between each moult (ecdysis), until sexual maturity is reached." Savathun's physical form is described as a twisting instar at this point and Myelin says that she is in the stage of changing herself into a new form. He also says that in this form she "needs a new skin" and therefore steals the skin of Osiris aka possesses him.

But from all the googling and research I've done, I can't seem to find any examples of insect instars needing to acquire a new outside source to change their forms. They simply exist in one larval form (instar) and then change into another as they outgrow the previous one. They don't have to find another body or a host to inhabit.

Seeing as Myelin bases most of his theory on this specific word, I have to challenge that because this is simply not what that word means. Savathun, in the process of changing from one instar to another, doesn't have to possess Osiris. She simply has to change her form from one instar into another. It's still her and it's more likely that she looks to the real Osiris to use him as a model for what new form she will take.

This is why the Chrysura Melo lore page is describing "Osiris" as being uncertain on his legs and confused by human behaviours and slowly falling apart over months and months of existence: this is Savathun's instar in the shape of Osiris which is reaching the end of its lifespan and at the end of that lifespan, Savathun has to shed that instar and turn into another. Generally, moths have a few instar forms before turning into a cocoon and then later emerging out as moths. This is a nice page with pictures, but again, tw for bugs. She has clearly reached the end of her Osiris-instar and shed it away when Mara trapped her in a chrysalis cocoon where Savathun is continuing to grow, like a moth, to eventually assume the form we see in The Witch Queen. Some examples that, to me, allude to Savathun existing in a Osiris-instar and how that shape is unfamiliar to her:

Osiris takes a shaky step forward.

...

He passes the bottle, and Osiris, hands numb, puzzles at it. His mouth hangs in a half-smile before he takes a long drink, slaking a bone-deep thirst.

...

When Saint places a hand on his forearm, Osiris holds impossibly still just to see what the other man will do.

...

Osiris stumbles as he walks through the Last City.

Savathun is describing her life as Osiris and it's clear, from this and other huge amount of lore, that she was very unfamiliar with the human form and that, at the end, it started falling apart on its own. Which is what would happen to a instar of an insect, forcing it to switch into a new stage. In Ripe, she also specifically states "I am ready earlier than anticipated." In the same lore page, she also mentions a lot of really weird descriptions of how her "form" is dissolving essentially and "I clench the gangling black mass that threatens to unspool recklessly from within this shell of flesh. My new arms are too thin, too weak. My new shell still bound with thick mucus." She's barely holding it together. I'm not sure why Osiris' real human body would've been doing this.

There's another aspect from Ripe and that is that she mentions her worm inside of her:

I feel this form splitting beneath its wrappings, held together weakly by wet strands of sinew. And from deep inside, stirred by that latest scrap of deception, I hear the oily growl of the Worm.

This is how we know that her Osiris-form is her. Otherwise, Osiris' real body would've been possessed by Savathun who also holds her worm and that's more than convoluted. What we're looking at, presumably, is Savathun's instar which always has a worm at the center and evolves into other forms around the worm itself.

I'm sorry if this is rambly, but I just really can't see how possession would be possible, especially when based on insect morphology. As a last addition to the whole "instar" business which seems to be the center of Myelin's theory, I want to take a look at the word itself. It's a Latin word, and well... :

īnstar n sg (indeclinable, no genitive)

image, likeness, resemblance

counterpart

worth, value

an equal form (of)

of equal weight/size/form (to)

By the Traveler this can't be happening. Once again I am caught in the euphoria of analysing Latin words being used in Destiny. By all definitions, except maybe number 3, this alludes to a clone. An image of something. Resembling something. A likeness. Counterpart. An equal form of...

Savathun's insect-instar form fashioned in the likeness of Osiris. Not Savathun infecting Osiris: Savathun morphing herself into a counterpart of his form.

With that whole thing done, Myelin focuses on the infamous sidearm Spoiler Alert. It has a description which is just: "Someone is going to die." Myelin uses this as proof that, well, someone is going to die because the last time this gun was issued, Cayde died.

The problem here, even if we're taking this as a serious lore hint, is the timeline. Originally, Spoiler Alert was issued in Warmind. Cayde-6 died in the expansion after Warmind.

Spoiler Alert being issued in Season of the Lost would then be an equivalent of telling us someone is going to die in The Witch Queen expansion.

What does that have to do with Osiris? The position Myelin takes in this whole video is that Osiris is already dead. Not that he will die in The Witch Queen: that he has already died, perhaps at the start of this season when Savathun transformed off-screen OR even further back, at the end of Immolant, when she possessed him. This makes no sense with his other position, that Osiris is observing what Savathun is doing: how, if he's dead and why would we even get this lore if he's dead?

Most of all, Spoiler Alert, if it's alluding to a future death of a major character, cannot allude to Osiris having died before the gun was re-issued OR to him dying literally on the day the gun was re-issued. What kind of a warning is that? If they really wanted to allude to Osiris dying with this gun, the gun would've had to have been re-issued in Season of the Splicer as the final possible season to "warn us."

If Spoiler Alert is telling us some important character will really die, it's telling us this will happen in The Witch Queen. I can't imagine a situation where we save Osiris in this season and then he dies in the next expansion. Kinda pointless plotline. And it also does not fit with the rest of the video which is telling us that Osiris is already dead and Savathun is bluffing about having him as a bargaining chip. I am also not in favour of the theory that we will not find the real Osiris this season and that this plotline will stretch into The Witch Queen because that would be almost a year of grappling with the same plot of "we have to find Osiris." So whatever happens to Osiris, we will know this season. Which means the Spoiler Alert gun is of no relevance to the outcome of the Osiris plot.

The next point Myelin makes is the cutscene from week 1 of Savathun talking to us. He focuses on the image of Osiris looking kinda dead, with moths flying around him and one moth coming out of his mouth. This image is a better argument than any of the above because the imagery here is very clear. No room to misinterpret this really, we literally see Osiris being half-skeletal with a moth coming from his mouth.

However, if we take the position that Savathun made a clone, then the "dead" Osiris in this image is just that clone being dead after it fell apart and Savathun had to transform. The moth coming out of his mouth is probably what this is supposed to symbolise: Savathun outgrowing her Osiris-instar and assuming a new form, currently cocooned in Mara's chambers.

Not to mention that she literally says she "assumed his shape." Not "took his body." She "assumed his shape" to be "more pleasing to our eyes" so she could "guide our victory" against Xivu Arath. Obviously she couldn't guide us if she looked like the Hive. Instead, she morphed into a shape that looks like Osiris and kept him to herself, possibly for information as well as a bargaining chip.

The next part is something I heavily dislike as a point from Myelin.

He starts by saying how there's a trope in movies where you get attached to a character and you just have a feeling that something bad is going to happen to them because the narrative is making you form a bond with that character. And at first I thought he'll say that the narrative has been doing this with Osiris, which is WEIRD, due to how generally disliked he is in the fandom, mostly due to people misunderstanding him, but also due to other reasons which have resurfaced ever since he's been officially confirmed as a gay man in a relationship with Saint.

And of course, Myelin is not talking about Osiris at all. He's talking about Saint. He's saying that the narrative made us attached to Saint and that "they are setting up Saint-14 to lose Osiris." This is aggravating in several ways.

One, that trope about being attached to a character is generally about the character that is going to die. Bungie didn't make us get attached to Cayde so they can kill off Ikora. They made us attached to Cayde and then killed off Cayde. Making us attached to Saint-14 to kill off Osiris is completely disregarding Osiris as a character in his own right and Osiris is by far THE most powerful and important Guardian that has ever lived. To boil him down to an accessory of Saint's story is not just disrespectful to Osiris, it's just utterly wrong.

And second, essentially fridging Osiris for Saint's manpain is just homophobia. As far as I know, Myelin is not a gay man so him making this point is simply homophobic. We do not need Osiris to die to see Saint's pain and drive for vengeance against Savathun. Bungie has made that clear. It's actually never been clearer just how much Saint suffers right now, in how much pain he is and how angry he is.

It's been shown in the voice lines in the main quest, in the cutscene at the start of the season, in the week 2 radio transmission, in voice lines during various activities, in voice lines from other people talking about him (most notably Ikora saying he's "tearing up the system to find real Osiris") and in various lore tabs. We truly do NOT need more affirmation to how much Saint is suffering. We surely don't need to ramp up the angst by killing Osiris off in order to send Saint into a more of a frenzy. His frenzy is already known and already underway. The man has tried breaking into Savathun's chamber to kick her ass already. He is "tearing the system apart." He is broadcasting live. He went on a mission with Mithrax to find Sagira's remains and the most likely place where Osiris went missing. The man is already on a crusade.

I don't think he needs to learn that Osiris has died somewhere, alone, months ago in order for us to see his pain. Or to cause more pain to us, the players. It's simply a completely insensitive way of looking at a story of two gay men who have been through enough suffering already.

I know people dislike and misunderstand Osiris. I know people absolutely adore Saint. I know people would get a kick out of seeing Saint going feral instead of him behaving in a very trope-shattering way by plugging holes in the Wall and feeding pigeons and singing songs to the children of the City.

I think those people don't understand Saint nor do they appreciate him as he is. They certainly have no respect for the man he loves or for their relationship that transcends time, space and reality. And if Saint knew that, he would definitely go feral on their ass first and foremost.

I'd like to think that Season of the Lost is a direct mirror of Season of Dawn. Two very important turning points in Destiny's story that are led by an undying love between Osiris and Saint-14. Just as Osiris risked it all and we all supported him in getting Saint back, right now we are all supporting Saint and risking it all to get Osiris back.

And as an important note, the story so far has been very clear to explain to us that we're looking for "the real Osiris." This is what this whole season is based on. We want real Osiris back. This alone disproves the theory of possession, but it also highlights that this season is about saving someone we've lost. Ending the season that's based on trying to find Osiris by telling us "oh he's dead" seems to be very much narratively senseless.

Speaking of narratively senseless, Osiris' death would not make sense yet. His arc isn't over. His questions and plotlines aren't over (and he has raised many of them in Immolant, which hasn't been followed up on because he got kidnapped). And speaking of Immolant, there is the following, from Sagira:

"Shut up! Listen to my words!" Her iris is bright with Light. "There are great things still left for you; don't lose hope in the darkness." She is luminant.

Osiris breathes the word, as if he could hold it back: "No." He would understand in time. She had seen it.

This seems like a pretty strong implication that his story is far from over. It would be quite a bummer if this was completely ignored and we're delivered Osiris' dead body at some point during this season.

Of course, I'm not discouting the possibility that Osiris will never be the same after this. It's likely that there will be lasting consequences if he's alive.

I am also not discounting the possibility that Osiris may as well be dead. I want to make that clear. It's possible. But I did my best to make a somewhat coherent analysis of why that is probably not the case and why Myelin's position in particular is flawed. And as I said at the start, I definitely am biased in a way that makes me hope that Osiris is not dead. I fully understand that and would not be opposed to people pointing out flaws in my argument if there are any. I am, genuinely, trying to be as objective as possible with this though, but as always, I could end up being wrong in the end.

And that is my TED talk.