#itll never happen but damn i can dream

[tdlosk-confessions]

Dream Saiki K episode?

Saiki Kusuo goes to therapy and also maybe confronts the fact that MAYBE not all his problems and general feelings about life are because of his powers 🤔 (cough cough. depression. autism.)

[box-architecture]

I discovered that Communication Knife AweSamDrunz have Children Now today, and I’m loving everything I’m reading so far.

Also that they hang out with Sapnap, Philza, and Techno. Was not expecting that, but yeah, Dream would want to reconnect, wouldn’t he? Even if it make Sam Uncomfortable and Punz Salty.

aaaaaaaaa I'm glad!!! The kids are sort of separate from the main au in that they're not really the main focus, they're just something that occasionally makes me happy to rotate in my mind. Healed, happy characters who are extremely neurodivergent, with their weird neurodivergent children, able to exist contently.

also, yeah!!! I realized a while back that I haven't really talked about the relationships and conflicts or Anything with real consistency on this tumblr. I'm used to interacting with people in the discord who've already had to listen to me so many times yell and rant that I've forgotten that I. might need to give context actually to other people who have showed up to a person on a soapbox spouting nonsense.

short answer: yeah, theres a Lot of complicated feelings, but by the time the children are in the picture its been like a decade and peace has been made with most things. No one has forgotten, of course. Shit was fucked. But events keep happening, characters keep developing, and Dream cradles his happy ending with the people he got to keep so very close to his chest.

So its like! Techno will support Dream through thick and thin and be civil with his partners, Punz and Sapnap had some rough moments but are buddies, and Sam will never talk to Dream's friends about anything deep, but after years of him genuinely trying to be a good partner, Techno and Sapnap are no longer five seconds away from trying to murder him.

Long answer: I'm trying to pull together some posts that will give detailed explanations of this entire thing. Itll take a bit, but its infinitely easier than the full fic I was trying and failing to write. I'm pulling this timeline from an old post so it might not be completely up-to-date even with my edits, but this is some skeleton stuff I can give that will make things easier for Understanding probably. I'm very sleepy. Here you go.

Timeline for My Own Damn Convenience:

Shady Dubcon Prison sex w/ SamDream

Prison Escape

Gentle Recovery sex w/ Drunz

Dream decides he has major control issues and is going to fuck Sam to prove he isn't traumatized. Punz thinks this is a terrible decision.

AweSamDrunz sex, complete with a rulebook of things Sam isn't allowed to do (including giving or receiving kisses)

Quackity kidnaps Drunz similar to in the one cut lore thing, offers to let Punz go if they torture Dream (they stab Quackity instead)

Sam rescues them (without Q finding out) and then kidnaps them, where he ties up Punz and gets Dream kisses until they all eventually pass out (Dream gets mild medical attention)

Dream wakes up and unties Punz

SamDrunz has a talk and decides Sam is allowed kisses again

many kinks are discovered

Sam tries (and fails) to get a hobby

Sam builds +30 prisons/boxes/sex dungeons around the server, of various usefulness

Sapnap finds out about the Torture, sees the sex tape, assumes Dream can't consent to the relationship considering Sam was his warden and Sap thinks Punz betrayed him, and takes Dream to a cottage away from everyone to try to protect him. After Sapnap yells at SamPunz, Dream gently informed Sapnap he's going to continue the relationship, and they have an emotional reconciliation that leads to weeklyish meetings between Dreamnap where they can just sit and talk

The Snow Incident

Sam Recovery From The Snow Incident

Oh God The Egg Is Back (Sam locks up Punz and Dream in a bunker for a month out of terror, and doesnt tell them why because he knows it will stress Punz out and Dream could be an idiot and get himself Egged. Punz is pissed but can't argue with that) (Dream could have fixed this all with his admin abilities good god)

They actually deal with the Egg

An Incident Happens (but its like several incidents actually, including Tubbo finding out that Ranboo was working with Dream the whole time)

Failed Finale

Recovery

Eventually grow old and live in a nice little lush cave house called The Box that Sam made

[affinitystoryblog]

so these questions were initially an ask but i accidentally published the ask before i was done answering. luckily i had copied what i had written before i deleted the incomplete answer, but here is the answers! i do not remember what the last one was, so unfortunately i can only give u these ones.

--------------

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

Sinie

SO ACTUALLY there is a major story event that takes place late book 1 that changes sinie's character for a while. book 2 sinie is not going to be the same as book 1 sinie....i cant say what the event is because i think its too much of a spoiler. but sinie fuckin loses it. goes dark. corrupted by her own emotions. itll be the lowest anyone has ever seen sinie. the event, and her actions resulting from how it affects her, will change her forever.

Csilla

this one is a little harder for me to answer, because i havent thought of something like this for csilla like i have for sinie. csilla is...a little stronger than sinie tbh. she can handle darker emotions easier, given that she's been an outcast and lonely most of her life. she isnt sheltered necessarily, just kept on a tight leash. she feels her mother doesn't love her, she adores her father but he's often times too busy to make any actual time for her so he overcompensates by spoiling her in any way he can, and her and her brother have an estranged resentment for each other.

the one that really brings out the best in her is everett. sure, everett is kinda just doing as programmed and trying to woo csilla, but damn does she fall for it. she's a hopeless romantic, and everett is everything she could've ever wanted in someone. he makes her laugh, hes attractive, he gives her attention, comforts her, they have a lot of similar interests, he is always taking her out to do new things she never dreamed of doing trapped by the shackles of her parents expectations. he makes her feel free. so tbh, i actually think a perfect scenario for this would be everett's betrayal. (idc about spoiling this since i mean itll be obvious its gonna come out once i start the arc) i mean, idk if i would rly call it much of a betrayal, more of a reveal that he was a spy but lbr, he's gonna continue doing what mommy (agitha) says until his heart finally tells him to do whats right. (i have a feeling that everett will be on their side before agitha, but i havent fully figured it out yet...) so there'd be a bit of time where everett's heart is in limbo and csilla would be sitting in her room rotting away bella twilight style until it was all resolved.

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Sinie

again, the big story event that sinie goes through at the end of book 1 will cover all of this. she's definitely gonna marinate in her negative emotions for a while, coping very very badly. she cuts her hair off. not a spoiler u guys have seen short haired sinie tons of times if ur familiar with this blog. i just decided tho...i think i want her to go full throttle and shave it all off. i think she'd eat.

Csilla

see, i love asks like this because i dont normally think of stuff like this for csilla like i do sinie because im used to sinie being the protagonist like she was in beta affinity, but i need to treat csilla with that same respect cause she's equally the protagonist. theyre both the main character because u cant have this story without one or the other. and this stuff makes me think for csilla.

so anyway, i dont know how to answer this question off the top of my head, SO lets psychoanalyze csilla!

she's shy and introverted, but she's also still a nerd; she likes art and music, dance, videogames even though she doesnt play much herself, anime and cartoons (sinie does end up getting her into "kiri kyu-kyu-cute!!") but she also kind of doesnt know how to have friends. she was outcasted for being the weird witchy kid growing up in a bougie all girls private school, and we ALL know how hardcore middle school girls bully. i havent fully thought of how all of csilla's history with bullying went, but it definitely affected her to grow up alone and isolated.

she probably would feel guilty for liking witchcraft and being interested in magic, it being ingrained in her head that its weird and creepy and dangerous. and running with that, she would probably feel like an absolute freak for being a magical girl. ive kind of already depicted csilla calling magic freaky and she is shown to be scared of it.

(shown in chapter 1)

(and then a couple times in chapter 2)

csilla is the one who insists they keep their magical identities a secret, partly because i personally dont want too much of the world suddenly being exposed to magic rn, (hence miko, who takes them to a place they can be destructive) but also because csilla is embarrassed. notice how she calls it "wacky". she does admit it was awesome, but thats really mostly sinie's influence. csilla does still love wacky things, she was just abused into feeling guilt about liking these things. she can be more free with sinie who is OPENLY expressive about her love for magic and their newfound powers.

so i definitely think csilla should go through an identity crisis of some sort, battling her feelings of feeling like a total freak and then feeling like she has a purpose. csilla is a little more logical when it comes to magic, its not supposed to be real. no one would believe them anyway and she's terrified of being considered the freak in a place where she can start over.

i think playing with this idea early on is better, so ill go through and edit some chapters and then keep the theme in mind for future chapters for consistency :)

oc ask meme

[goremet-chef]

trying to keep my emotions in check is so fucking hard man. like the pain i feel is so intense and real, but i also know i feel it for nothing. AND YET when i acknowledge this, the pain persists anyways!! never reassured properly cuz i can never see to kill the little voice in my head whispering "what if they do though? what if its true?" its so. frustrating its so PAINFUL this shit is slowly killing me man

its like. im scared to be caught in it if it IS true, to the point where ill just. back up and straight up leave sometimes

even when nothing bad has happened, and everyone is normal, even the smallest thing will tip me off and ill start feeling bad. ill start feeling like something happened and everyones upset with me, they like me less, theyre bored of me, annoyed, disgusted, ETC

its so scary man. and the worst part? i will never ever bring it up. ill never talk it through, never make my feelings known because i cant BEAR to make everything about me!!!!!! even if sharing how i feel isnt inherently selfish, ill feel like it is. itll tear me apart. there is no fucking escape!!! if i never say anything, then im leaving mid conversation to go cry in my bathroom and coming back like nothing is bothering me. if i do say something, ill sour the mood. everyone else is always having a good time, how could i just.. RUIN that? because i misinterpreted something and decided suddenly that no one actually likes me and im just.

im stuck in this loop where like. i want to be a good friend, a FUN friend. i dont want people to watch what they say around me, i dont want them to check up on how im doing, i should just be doing GOOD. but im not, i never am. its such bullshit man

why do i have to live so fucking miserably? why do i have to feel this pain, why do i always tear up over seemingly nothing? why is everything so heavy all the time

i hate that im someone who needs some kind of accommodation, i wish so desperately that i was just.. normal. normal enough to not cry like a fucking baby while everyone else is having a good time. i wish i wasnt like this, wish it so fucking badly

i dont make friends with shitty people, all my friends are so cool and sweet but like.. i just cant bring myself to bring it up, ever. i wanna be silly goofy dominic. i want them to love being around me so much that they forget about the unbelievably massive pile of mental issues i have. i want them to forget how easy it is to hurt me, even if its completely unreasonably and stupid

most of the time im successful, cuz ive got a quieter bpd going on. all the feelings are just as intense and suffocating, but i just. keep it all bottled inside, keep it all in the safety of my room. theres no like.

this is the closest ill ever get to sharing. spitting it out into a void because im too cowardly to confront my OWN emotions

i think thats what hurts the worst. i feel so fucking SELFISH. i know everyone has emotions, and id respect and love everybody elses, but mine? nothing makes me feel worse than when people actually care about me. it makes bottling everything up so hard. so hard when they ask if im okay and i have to lie to their face cuz im still not strong enough to confess whats slowly eating my alive

im just too scared of being too much. its like this line that i cant cross. i dont want to be overbearing, i dont want to be so outwardly emotional, i dont want to be VISIBLY MISERABLE to the people who love me, or at least like me enough to stick around.

but im so unsocialized that this is damn near the only way. i wanna be the fun silly goofy friend but the fact of the matter is that im just not. watching me try to participate in any conversation is just.. painful. and i can SEE how painful it is. its embarrassing how bad i am at talking. it only makes things worse, pulls me back from my dream of being someone that people ENJOY speaking to. its sad

even if im not as boring and awkward as i think i am, the fact that i think it alone holds me back. theres been so many times where i just.. bite my tongue and stay quiet even if i have an opportunity to tell a joke or something cuz the voice in the back of my head tells me "what if they dont get it? what if they dont think its funny? what if they only pretend to laugh? how embarrassing would that be?" and its right. i have to like.. silence myself so that i wont ever face any kind of rejection, because if i do itll kill me and ill feel so fucking miserable over it

i wish i didnt live my life this way, but in my head there are very few options, and all of them are bad

[tears-of-boredom]

okay fellas. im gonna leave my fan on for the night. I don't remember what the nightmares were like last summer, so ill see if theyre like terror inducing or just anxiety inducing. cuz at this point terror dreams would be a needed break. I'm so fucking tired of confusing actual things that happened and dreams i had. like when i wake up from a nightmare where some killer is just chasing me, heck yeah, cuz itll be so clear that it was a dream. i just hope they arent the anxiety kind cause I still havent really gotten over the one where i suffocated in snow. thats probably my biggest god damn fear, especially now that I know approximately how it would feel...

weird realisation but i dont think ive really ever like seen any of our cats in my dreams. ive definetly thought about them and been aware of their existence, but I dont remember ever physically seeing any of them... it's kind of like that bs about how you apparently never use your phone in your dreams, despite interacting with it so frequently irl. man its so weird that anyone actually thought that was like a thing though...like my phone has even been the center of my dreams a couple times that i remember. oo i dont think ive ever like interacted eith my computer in a dream though. it has definetly like been on my desk physically, and ive acknowledged it maybe,, but I dont think ive done anything on it actively. i was gonna also say that I don't think ive made food before,, but I think I made instant porridge at some point...or maybe it was just served to me...

oh and also on top of messing up my dreams and real memories,, i also often struggle to diffrentiate between something being just a vivid, consciously imagined, scenario,, or a dream. especially if its been a long time. so im not sure if the thing about me finding out that i can fly and bolting into the sky from the schoolyard,, and doing flips in the air and shit,, I'm not sure if I just really wished that would happen or if that was a dream...

also the one where i flew around my grandparents' house,, I know that factually it can only be a dream, but at the time i didnt really like fully realise that,, so my brain always gives me a memory of it that says that it did happen, it was real, i was there.

yefhott. that was supposed to be a mispeled yeah but i think it went too far and now you cant tell. yeag

[troph4eum]

yet another rant lol TW// talkin ab suicide n shit like that this is a sad one

so im not gonna get too specific w this one cuz its honestly jus a bunch of mess ion want strangers on the internet knowing but like a series of events have transpired and honestly they've left me feelin hopeless like idk rn its looking a bit more up but this honestly isnt the direction i want my life to be going. idk ab the rest of yall but it feels like my life has been a series of waiting for shit to happen w the promise that itll get better once that thing happens. but every time it gets to that point its basically the same as it was before.

and honestly i just need to come to terms with the fact that im always just going to be sad because of MDD like theres literally nothing i can do about it my mind is just wired to be hopeless type shit. and now its like all the options that i used to have have been stripped away from me all at once and its all coming to a head and like i rlly dont know what to do. i only got like 2 ppl who im rlly close to rn everyone else left due to one thing or another and in all honesty it sucks. like i love those 2 ppl w all my heart dgmw but damn man icl i do miss having a more extensive support network. and like honestly i wouldve been kms if i didnt have my dog. having another life to consider and take care of has rlly been a blessing and a curse for me. like bc of him i stayed alive to experience all the good that has happened but it also lead to me being here with damn near nothing to do. i cant leave him alone here i cant trust nobody w him hes like my kid almost. i dont want him to have to live in this world without me n ion wanna ever b without him. shit just thinking ab it makes me wanna tear up man i love that dog so much yall dont even know.

anyways idk outside of that if i die before i get to see this project to its completion ill be letting myself down. trophaeum is supposed to be my opus its supposed to be what the entirety of ilyjin is building up towards but im just struggling so much with staying alive that i cant see myself making it up there. i cant even focus on working on the project bc of all the shit thats been goin on man. i jus dont wanna let myself down ive done that more than enough in this life. ik ive talked before about how i dont fit in the mold that society has constructed for us and that holds true more than ever now. with all the things going on in the world idek if my dreams are still gonna be possible. its very disheartening. idk man ion think i wanna talk ab this anymore. its not even that its too painful or anything its just that im starting to not see the point. and tbh ion like ppl knowing just how sad of a person i am like all the time. but at the same time i cant help but be honest about who i am. i am a neurodivergent person with depression theres nothing i can do to change that and i shouldnt have to be ashamed or hide it. but sometimes it genuinely feels like im supposed to just ignore those parts of myself in order to fit into the capitalist machine.

ig my whole point in saying this is that im scared that ill never be able to show the world how much of an artist i really am and that ill never be able to have the impact i want to on the next generation.

after this post im gonna talk about overcoming toxicity like i said i would last time.

[happys-crazy-queen22]

A Fling With A Surprise

Gif credit @stilinski-ortiz-dolan

Gif credit @bodybebangin.

Requested by @stellarosedutton. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for the request.

My first Walker and Colby imagine. I hope it's okay.

"Go get grandpa". Your daughter, Amethyst Rose squealed running on her wobbly feet. She had just started walking and she is now on the go all the time.

"Paaaa". She stumbled and fell but got right back up.

"She's like her momma, doesnt cry when she falls". John chuckled as he picked her up. 

"Yeah, I was taught to be strong". You smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Your husband is down at the barn". John said looking away. He wasnt to fond of Walker. No one really was. But you saw something in him that no one else saw.

"I was just heading that way. Amethyst has a doctors appointment". You say before walking to the barn. Your father took Amethyst into the main house to spoil her even more than she is.

"Hey beautiful". Walker spoke before you even got into the barn.

"How do you always do that"? You giggle wrapping your arms around his waist from behind.

"I know your foot work".

"You ready? We gotta be there in thirty minutes".

"Yeah, let me go change my shirt and I'll meet you at the car". He kissed your temple and started to the cowboys bunk.

Going back up to the main house, you saw Colby talking with your father and Rip. Then you heard screaming and giggling coming down the steps of the house. Tate was chasing Amethyst and ran right past Colby.

You might think nothing of it but Amethyst is Colbys. You had a fling with him one night and never spoke about it since but then you got pregnant and just never told anyone that she was his. Then you met Walker when you were six months pregnant, got married four months later and he's been Amethyst dad. Oh I didnt mention that Colby never knew I was pregnant, I hid it from my family until I met Walker.

"Amethyst". You called after her and ran scooping her up. "Thanks for watching her dad.  I'll see you later". You didn't look at Colby as you walked away but his eyes were on Amethyst.

"Y/N, hold up". Colby called after you and now the cat was out of the bag.

"Yeah"? You gulped as he came closer. Amethyst laid her head on your shoulder sleepily.

"I know this might be off but um is she mine"? Colby scratched his chin, just gazing at Amethyst.

"Yeah".

"Why didnt you tell me"? Colby asked. He was wasnt upset or angry.

"You didnt speak to me after we hooked up. So I figured you were just ignoring me and staying away".

"It was awkward. Rip found me coming in late and I told him. He knows about us".

"I know. No one else knows. Not even Walker. I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want any riff between the two of you".

"So I'm supposed to let Walker raise my daughter"? Colby scoffed.

"She's my daughter". Walker scared you both. You seriously needed to work on your tracking.

"No, she's mine. I didnt get the chance to be there for her cause I didnt know". Colby protested.

"I'm on the birth certificate. She calls me daddy. I'm not confusing her. So stay away". Walker warned Colby but Colby being Colby and not backing down. Colby threw the first punch and smashed his fist into Walkers jaw.

Walker stumbled but striked back hitting Colby in the nose. You covered your daughters eyes.

John and Rip tried pulling the cowboys apart but they weren't letting each other go.

"Walker stop". You yelled. This was not how it was supposed to go when it happened or if at all.

A gun shot rang through the air. Rip stood there with his gun pointed to the sky. Colby and Walker panting. Their shirts ripped, faces mangled.

"Colby, get out of here now".

"But-". Colby tried to protest but Rip wasnt having it".

"Now".

"Get him out of here, Y/N". Your father told you and you grabbed Walkers hand pushing him into the car. The doctors appointment would have to wait.

Arriving at your house, you laid Amethyst down and patched up Walker.

"Why didnt you tell me"?

"It wasn't your business. Plus I didnt want to make it worse for you than it already is".

"It is my business. I'm your husband. I'm her father". Walker hissed when you put peroxide on his wound.

"I know. But now I'm thinking I should've told him. Gave him a chance to be a father figure in her life".

"I'm her damn father. No man is going to replace me". Walker hit the table. You jumped, you never seen him this mad. Walker got up and stormed out, slamming the door. Waking Amethyst.

You had to go see Colby. It wasnt right not having him know and now you felt guilty. Heading back to the ranch, giving Walker time to cool down. You went and saw Colby.

"Hey". You stepped threw the door. Rip, Ryan and Colby were talking.

"We're just leaving". Rip spoked, nodding to Ryan.

They came to you and Rip picked up Amethyst. "I'll take this". Rip said with a chuckle. Ryan giggled. They both adored her.

"You okay"? You bit the inside of your cheek.

"You should have told me. I would have been there". Colby sighed.

"I didnt know that. I was young. We both were. But that's no excuse. I should've told you". You walked over to the table and sat down beside him.

"I'm not trying to replace Walker as her father. I just want to be part of her life. She looks like me".

"She does. Has a smaller head then you though". You tease. Colby gasped and nudged your arm.

"I want to be there for her. Like I could babysit when you and Walker need a break. I just want her to know me. I dont have to be her dad. I can be an uncle".

"Yeah. She'd like that". You say with a smile.

"Can I be honest"? Colby looked into your eyes.

"Of course".

"When I saw her coming out of the house. I thought I was in a dream. It wasn't real. Like this little girl looked just like me. I was scared when you said she was mine. I wasnt ready to be a dad. I guess you saved yourself a hassle. Walker stepped up and I'm grateful for that cause he's probably doing a better job than I would have. I'm just not ready to take on that responsibility. I'm a horrible person". Colbys head hung low.

"Colby, you're not a bad person. I'm glad you told me this.  I'm relieved to say the least. She'll be honored to have you as an uncle. We'll just keep this between us six. No one else has to know". Your squeezed his arm.

"Thanks. I'm sorry".

"Nothing to be sorry over. We just deal with the hand we're dealt with. I'm a mom to an amazing little girl. You're going to be an awesome uncle".

"What about Walker? He'll kill me".

"Dont worry about him. I'll take care of that". You say with a smile. "But I need you to put those uncle skills to the test". You said with a smirk.

"Oh god, what have I gotten myself into"? Colby chuckled, shaking his head.

Deciding to leave Amethyst with Colby and the others for a few hours, you headed home. Hopefully by now Walker has cooled off.

Walking into the house, it was quiet. But you heard some rustling in the bedroom.

"Babe"? You called out, coming into the bedroom. Walker was laying on the bed shirtless and his pants unbuckled as if he was going to bed.

"Where's Amethyst"? Walker asked, taking the rolled up toilet paper from his nose.

"She's with her uncles".

"And her new daddy". Walker scoffed. "You here to get your things and move in with him"?

"No, you dipshit. I'm here to tell you that you're the only daddy she will ever know. Colby doesnt want that role. He's uncle Colby. He's thankful that you stepped up and took care of her. Of us". You replied, getting on the bed and sitting up beside him.

"He wouldnt just do that. He's crazy if he did".

"Baby, he got scared when he found out that she was his. He was just putting on a show. He doesnt want to ruin her life. You're daddy and he's uncle Colby. We're fine. Theres only six of us that know and we're all keeping quiet. Amethyst has a great thing going, none of us want to ruin it". You kiss his check quickly.

"Sorry, I got angry. I just didn't want him to step in and take away our bond. I didn't want to lose my family ".

"You're forgiven and you're never going to lose us". You moan, running your hand down Walkers chest, slipping your hand down his pants. "He's promised to babysit when we need a break". You whisper into Walkers ear as you nip at his ear lobe.

"I'm liking uncle Colby". Walked flipped you over on your back, his hands went to your clothed breast, squeezing them and then raking his fingers down your torso.

"Come here". You grabbed Walker by the back of his neck and pulled him to your lips. Walker shimmied out of his jeans and pulled your dress up around your hips.

"I love you so much". He grunted into the kiss as he pushed your panties to the side and thrusted in you.

"Fuck. I love you". You gasp, as he lifts your leg over his shoulder and thrusts in deep. He kissed up and down your leg. Your fingers pinch your hard nipple through your bra.

"Mmm. We should give Amethyst a sibling". Walker said way out of the blue.

"You serious"? You panted, licking your lips.

"Why not"?

"No reason". Your head fell back as the tip of Walkers cock, brushed against your gspot.

"I'm taking that as a yes". He growled, speeding up his pace. He wrapped his arm your neck and kissed you deeply with passion and lust. This little break, you could get use to it.

While Walker and you were deciding on a sibling or not. Amethyst was having the time of her life. Colby was playing tea party with her and making mud pies. He was making mud pies. She was throwing them at her other uncles as they watch.

"She's going to need a bath. A hosing off before she goes home". Lloyd chuckled.

"I'm not sure I'm fit for that. I agreed on watching her. Not putting her in water and trying not to let her drown". Colby said a little scared. The others laughed.

"Just take the water hose and rinse her off. Itll be alright". Ryan suggested.

Colby of course listens to them and starts to wash Amethyst off, well he lays the water hose down and she happily picks it up and starts spraying everyone. Theres laughter and screaming as they got sprayed.

"What's going on here"? Walker came up to the water hose party.

"He did it". Ryan, Lloyd and Jimmy all pointed to Colby who was soaked from head to toe.

"Great job". Walker shaked his head. Colby frowns. "Baby, put down the hose, please". Walker walked slowly up to Amethyst and snatched the hose away.

"I'm sorry. I'm not fit for this". Colby sighed.

"No. You're not. But she's having fun and she's alive. That's all that matters. Y/N and I have a date night every Friday night. You're going to watch Amethyst for us. Just try and not burn down our house". Walker laughed, sticking out his hand.

Colby smiled and shook it. "No promises.  Thanks Walker".

"Sure. Oh and clean this mess up. See y'all tomorrow". Walker picked up his muddy little girl and headed home. This was the life for everyone. Didnt matter how it got this way. It just is and theres no use in fixing something that isn't broke.

[michibikionmain]

This isn’t THE tommyinnit villain essay but it sure is one of them

Ok ok so 4 those of u who aren't on discord with me: i have two main essays that have been in the works for MONTHS, these being my Complete Dream character analysis essay going in-depth for nearly all of his canon interactions and finding his character traits and motivations through the story, and my Tommyinnit (and Wilbur Soot) were Always The Villains on the server essay talking about how the only reason so many people view them as the good guys or heroes is because we see the story from their perspective mainly. This essay? Is not either of those. BUT, it does go through a lot of my thoughts on Tommy and Dream’s characters so I figured I’d post it. maybe itll help me organize my thoughts 4 my Mega Projects lol

@ranboocore bc u helped me pop off on this so hard LMAO

Warning, it’s VERY Tommy Critical, what a suprise. I do not like Tommy as a character lol. idk what triggers yall might need me to tag but if u need one in particular pls lmn!

My biggest issue with tommy's character is that he SAYS hes learned but he never does he is exactly the same person he was at the start of the server just More Sad and with Trauma, when out of all the characters he's had the most push to change. c!Tommy is a very tell-don't-show character which can make it hard for some people to connect to him, especially those who don’t directly share his trauma or see themselves in his character. Of course, there is still a MASSIVE amount of people who relate to his struggles and thus love him regardless of his writing, but those who can't relate to him will always feel some kind of barrier until the things they've talked about are actually shown to the viewer instead of being spoon-fed to them.

It is a very beginner writing thing, and I'm hoping that Tommy is figuring out how to fix this, maybe with support from the many other writers on the server. There's the 3 you mentioned, plus fundy, niki, and maybe tubbo who also play dnd, plus Dream who said he would've been an English major and does a lot of personal writing for fun.  I think the biggest issue in the writing lies in the individual ccs being inexperienced in the medium, particularly with planning out their own character growth. 

Another glaring issue I have with c!Tommy is how he's framed to be sympathetic and he goes through all these horrible things without acknowledging his role in any of them. The things that have happened to him are a direct result of his actions, but the thing is HE won't acknowledge and so it falls flat. This isn’t to say that being abused is his fault, because it’s NEVER the vicitm’s fault, but being exiled? His multiple fights with c!Dream? His friendships falling apart? Losing the disks in the first place? They’re the direct consequences of HIS OWN actions, but he never acknowledges this and constantly just... brushes off any accountability by either saying that it’s Dream fault or simply SAYING he feels bad without properly showing it through redemption and GROWTH.

Denial is useful in storytelling sometimes, but Tommy's character has been in denial since the very beginning of the server and at this point it's just exhausting. He only ever switches between denial and depression, not really going through all 5 stages of grief properly. His violent/upset reactions would be more powerful if they were any different from how tommy usually acts, but this is always how he is. When he “lashes out” because he’s reached the end of his patience, it doesn’t SEEM like the snap it is because that’s just... it’s seriously just his standard reaction to everything. It hold no WEIGHT to see c!Tommy yell at someone violently or threaten to fight them because he does that anyways!

Static characters can be a good thing, and can be interesting if done correctly, but not every character SHOULD or CAN be static in a story.

Static characters need to have their position or behavior challenged and question, where they look into if the way they see and interact with the world is really the 'correct' one or just evaluated to see if they truly believe in them. This questioning period is CRUCIAL! and NEEDS to be well done in a way that ACTIVELY SHOWS the conflict between the two ideals. If they decide to hold onto their beliefs/continue their behavior then, it feels deserved, because rather than just being a flat "they do thing its who they are" they have defined WHY. WHY is a very important question to think of when telling the difference between dynamic and static characters. The why of a character is ESSENTIAL to developing them as a relatable, sympathetic person rather than a flat story telling device. It makes them a human rather than a puppet. When a character's motives aren't well defined or discussed, they're doomed to fall flat in everything else, because the WHY is the foundation of what makes them who they are.

c!Tommy has an underdeveloped "why", his motivations are weak, rarely properly discussed and when they are it doesn't particularly stick with him. His motivations change without showing us the internal struggle that should come from literally shifting your driving principles. There are some good MOMENTS of him reevaluating the importance of certain things, but they're so spread out and contradictory and immediately spat one that they're hard to piece together. He TELLS us what his motivations are as well, which is another big flaw when it comes to all that but we don't have time to unpack all THAT Anyways, the key to static story telling is reaffirmation. The character goes through a complete journey and ends with the same beliefs because they've looked into why they have them and determined that they still matter to them. A great example of static writing in my eyes is c!Techno, who since the beginning has believed that governments are bad. c!Techno enters the server to destroy a government, and still ends up doing that because he sees and we see him experience that the reasons he didn't like government before still hold true and he has no reason to support them any more than before, and so his anarchist beliefs are REAFFIRMED, proving to him that they way he handles things is the right one for him.

c!Tommy’s attachments are all just... they're all so weird.  like he LITERALLY SACRIFICES HIS LIFE MULTIPLE TIMES for L'manburg. By action of sacrifice it seems like it should be the most important thing to him, but then he throws it away for some disks that mattered less to him just a minute ago.  But then it's all about how c!Tubbo is worth more than Anything and maybe he's found something more important! but then he shoves THAT out the window for the discs again ig!!! but then it's about l’manburg again? Make it make sense.... pls....

Here's smth that really irks me about Tommy's character, and is kind of weird but give me a second to explain: Tommy has never actually permanently lost much of anything on the server. Every punishment he's ever received he's tried to find some way around. And like... I'm not expecting him to be HAPPY to face the consequences of his actions but seeing him constantly have his cake and eat it too is very irritating, especially when there are characters who DO have to deal with actual permanent sacrifices. The whole thing with the disks. where he WILLINGLY OFFERED THEM UP AND GAVE THEM AWAY THEN SPENT FOREVER TRYING TO STEAL THEM BACK WHILE CLAIMING DREAM STOLE THEM FROM HIM, is the biggest example of this, but it's generally his characters way of dealing with things. He's very backhanded and conniving, constantly calling himself "big man" except for when he wants things from people and he plays up the "iM a MiNoR" card to try and get them to give him things or feel bad. He's not just some sweet innocent kid like people paint him, he knows damn well he's messed up and while he SAYS he feels bad about it, he has never once really shown, with his ACTIONS, regret for what he's done except for the stuff with c!Sapnap, which could it could be argued he did because he thought it would help get c!Sapnap on his side to fight Dream and he knew c!Sapnap was a skilled warrior and could possibly be persuaded to fight with dream.

c!Tommy is in NO way some sweet innocent child, he knows what he's doing. He KNEW l'manburg was a drug empire, and wanted to turn his hotel into the same He was FULLY prepared to just murder c!Schlatt for legally winning an election that he KNEW was rigged AND INTENDED TO HELP RIG HE LITERALLY TEAMED UP WITH c!TECHNOBLADE KNOWING THAT HE INTENDED TO BLOW UP L'MANBURG AND ONLY LEFT WHEN HE REALIZED IT WASN'T GOING TO ACTUALLY HELP HIM--

The line of c!Wilbur saying "Tommy, are we the bad guys?" wasn't him mentally going batshit it was him realizing that the entire time they've been doing terrible things. c!Wilbur was literally ALWAYS Vilbur but the time people CALL Vilbur is when c!Will himself realized he was a villain.

[jasonsscar]

i know that we will never get more percy jackson musicals from the original cast. or maybe ever. so, i just want to make a post about iconic moments in the books and the kinds of songs ive imagined we could’ve gotten if it happened

Sea of Monsters

Percy’s weird dream at the beginning

Tyson having a solo. I’m-

Imagine if we got a ballad for Clarisse here

Tantalus and Percy just being like “fuck you” the whole time

WHEN THEY RUN INTO THE SIREN’S. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD

Circe’s Island

Guinea pig Percy. Don’t talk to me.

If we got DOA when they entered the underworld. Imagine what we would’ve got when they entered Polyphemus’s cave.

The final song with Thalia waking up and then the song arubtly ending and that’s how the musical ends. I’m not okay.

The Titan’s Curse

PERCY AND ANNABETH DANCING TOGETHER. NO SONG BUT I M A G I N E.

Intense singing and then Annabeth is gone when they save the di Angelo kids

OKAY. NICO SINGING TO PERCY ABOUT MYTHOMAGIC CARDS. IDBKADJ

Artemis singing the rules of the hunters of artemis

Thalia and Percy fighting/singing battle

Nico making Percy promise to protect Bianca on the quest. Really good song I bet. Short. But sweet.

The entire dam sequence. Has the same vibes as “Drive”

WHEN PERCY MEETS APHRODITE. PL E A S E

The audience knows. Everyone knows he’s in love with annabeth.

Percy coming back and telling nico about Bianca. AND THEN NICO SINGS ABOUT HOW HE PROMISED AND WE GET THE SAME INSTRUMENTALS FROM WHEN HE MADE PERCY PROMISE THE FIRST TIME.

Percy and annabeth dancing at the end to a song Percy’s singing that he is always going to protect annabeth but she can’t hear him because it’s an inner monologue

The Battle of the Labyrinth

Percy going to orientation and he becomes friends with Rachel. RaCHEL WOULD HAVE THE COOLEST VOICE. YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND.

WAIT. PAUL BLOFIS. MY MAN. GETTING A SOLO. SINGING ABOUT HOW HE WANTS PERCY TO DO WELL. GENUINE CONFUSION FROM WHEN HELL BREAKS LOOSE AT SCHOOL.

Annabeth singing about how she does NOT like Rachel. But in a very sarcastic way.

When they find the Labyrinth. Mini duet song from percabeth. Sbaksb.

More Tyson singing?? But like softly in the background throughout the quest

When they meet Janus that song would be so fun omg

AND THE SPHYNX TOO

When Percy sees Nico giving the dead McDonalds?? I’m sorry that would be so funny and like sad at the same time. It would be one of the best songs.

The kiss on Mt. St. Helens. Need I say more

Calypso and Percy. Calypso would have a ballad song about how she is cursed to fall in love with every hero and how they always leave. And Percy is like “damn that sucks” the whole song so it’s not even that sad but we are feeling for calypso

Percy walking in on his own funeral would be wild in a musical lmfao

Daedalus would have the COOLEST techno song?? I can’t imagine it any other way. Someone please work with me to write the music for this musical. I’m begging you.

Pan’s song would be so sad omg. I’m crying thinking about it.

At the end it’s Percy singing alone on his birthday and then Nico appears in the song and interrupts Percy. And Percy invites him in. Ugh. So good.

The Last Olympian

Rachel starts off this musical and don’t try and convince me otherwise.

DON’T TALK TO ME. CHARLES BECKENDORF BASS VOICE. I’M SCREAMING.

And it’s a GOOD song about them invading The Princess Andromeda.

But we will never see him again but he had a good run with that song

Percy learning his prophecy. Imagine the song being so chilling and serious. It sends shivers down your spine and then the song ends with Percy’s voice cutting in after a couple seconds with “what?”

May Castellan. I don’t want to talk about but you guys know what’s up.

There was originally a song that the creator of the musical talks about that he cut out where Clarisse and Selena are arguing about who’s side they would be on if there was a war. I want that vibe of that song HERE.

The River Styx. It’s so emotional about how he sees Annabeth sbaksb

When they’re in war already and Annabeth takes that stab. AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS HAPPENING?? Her laying at base and singing to Percy. AAAAA

Okay hear me out. When Selena comes in as Clarisse to fight. The original “Put You In Your Place” music comes on here. But Percy knows it’s wrong because it’s not Clarisse’s voice

Kronos’s songs would be SO badass

Percy summoning his father to join the fight

Percy summoning that HURRICANE. The amount of toilet paper this would need oml

Luke dying would be so tragic in the musical. Annabeth and Luke duet. Eugh.

Rachel becoming the new oracle.

Annabeth singing to Percy happy birthday and they get thrown in the lake but it would be different cause there is no lake. But it’s the campers singing a cute mocking song about the two lovebirds

It ends with the same vibe as “Bring on the Monsters” but we’re all crying instead because it’s over.

I KNOW I MISSED A LOT OF MOMENTS BUT IF YOU GUYS HAVE ANYMORE YOU THINK WOULD BE AWESOME PLEASE ADD THEM IN. I KNOW ITLL NEVER BE POSSIBLE BUT WE CAN DREAM!’

[janexeu]

     though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, JANE MÁRQUEZ is actually a descendent of HYPNOS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-SIX year old DEMIGOD ELEMENTARY EDUCATION MAJOR from NEW ORLEANS, USA has taken after HER godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite SACRIFICIAL & STUBBORN.

( she’s b-b-b-back on her bs : katya ! tis uhm ,,,, a lil bit of a chonk of an intro but ill try 2 b cute w it. any time u wanna yeet jus peep the gif again & forgive me bc Look At Her ! )

POWERS ( more info here )

hypnokinesis  — p much made her a glorified babysitter w lynch-esque wacko dreams. it got stronger naturally as she got older, but jus w herself n eventually the ppl shes real close w. its also gotten a lot better since comin to eonia 

seeing gods in dreams  — she doesnt hang out w em every fridays at tgifs but like ,,, if she had Pertinent Questions she cud smhw make it happen. found out abt her being a demigod at age 10 when she met hypnos

memory retrieval — shes got great memry of her own but bc she knows it can help w grief n all that, shes been learnin in eonia how to do it 4 others if they mayb wanted it

BIO POINTS 

her single ma died during childbirth so jane's been in the foster care system since 5ever. attempts at reunification nvr worked out but thankfully she got real lucky w her group home and foster families. twas stable enough to not emotionally scar her even further but the instability of it all was fosho a big ol’ lot and has influenced her rigidness in sum aspects of her life

she lived p much as a mortal even tho her powers r a lil freaky. never went to camp but it worked out bc all her abilities r internal and cannot be Perceived by others. she had a talk w hypnos abt what 2 do n he mentioned camps but also gave sum monster avoidance tips ( like rarely use ur powers, maybe learn self defense, yada yada ) n she jus ,,, did that so she cud continue livin real normal w the mortals. logistics of camp stressed her out esp bc shes livin w non-family n stuff yk it was All Too Much, miss her w the added demigod stress tyvm

got married at 23 to her childhood sweetums luis, but he ,,, died abt a yr later fr a car accident. coma for 2 weeks n jane p much slept the entire time in his hospital room, visitin his dreams n talkin to him. twas a life support sitch so they eventually decided to pull da plug whch was real sad but like she's processed it 2 da best of her abilities. her powers helped a lot in the coping too n she visits memories of him in her dreams smtms when it gets real sad then shes ok again bc life goes on n life is pretty uwu

bc of her bg round kids of all kinds, shes always been passionate abt em. always takin babysittin/tutor gigs and went to community college so she cud teach n then worked as an elem teacher. only started considerin goin 2 eonia 4 postgrad when she had a student who showed signs n strugglez of bein a demigod. she eventually got to talk to their godly parent 2 confirm n she was shocked pikachu meme, real concerned for all those youngins who hav no clue what to do ! or how to cope ! bc they cant facetime w the olympians lyk she can ! so cue her discussin eonia w luis a lot then a year after the accident, broke out the pro-con list again. took abt *checks watch* another yr til she finally decided to zoom 2 athens but then whoosh she did !

PERSONALITY

yearning ? idk her — shes can be a bit of a take it as is typa chick. can be a lil literal jsksj not dumb but like ,,, def doesnt read into things enuff to pine n long n year yk. some things might def fly over her head. she says Yes To Serotonin in this house. she dk the the mitskis n the sikens n the carsons ; its all mary oliver up in this joint. we just tryna luv life n be grateful folkz

le freak, say chic ! — control freak, that is. growin up in an unstable envi meant shed cling 2 stability n independence, wrvr she cud get it. so when it comes 2 the way she does things, she can be real a heel digger. also bc she has 2 deal w kids yk so it can b A Lot n shes v stern lyk dat. ofc she wont infantilize the eonians .,,,. or will she ? big sis vibes outta control. she means well tho always always means well. itll also b v hard to get her 2 giv up on sum1 bc life ? she luvs it n knows u can too

changes by david bowie — is decidedly skipped on the playlist. she doesnt like change !!! i mean she knows its inevitable but still not entire unavoidable. ever since she got out of the system, shes had a partner n her own way of doing things n its been workin out so why change it yk ? she says time may change me but jokes on u i can sorta trace time 

rip but im different — this goes out to all em whores in this house. she respectz ur hustle but like ,,,, not her thang. girl doesnt even get drunk when she drinks bc she doesnt rlly drink sksjsk doesnt like the taste of it, big baby ! but like she's Lived, its more like. ok tried it, not for me. thanks tho. also for all the meanies in the house, y’all perplex her. shes empathetic n wont show the judgement but smtms shes lowkey lyk .,., ur how old n u had all this goin 4 u n ur still so rotten ? how u actin like a 7yo w a trantrum ? scratch head, make it make sense

at least u tried — dad jokes, bad puns, tries to be big jokester but isn't funny. she's pretty tho so she gets away with it. idk wht else 2 say ur honor. shes the type thatll embarrass u w affection

well that was Awkward — probably sum1 abt her if  they see her actin a Fool bc shes in a foreign sitch or topic. when shes a fish outta water then she can be so ! easily ! flustered ! which is p much her in eonia. shes not new new but theres way 2 much godly shennanigans for her to wrap her head ‘round n sis has never gone to camp so its ice bucket challenge level shock from time to time still w da magics n lore

til death do us part — yknow when death cab for cutie said i knew that u wer a truth i wud rather lose than 2 hav nvr lain beside at all ? how abt when they wrecked me by rudely sayin love is watching sum1 die ? yes ? no ? nywy thats jane 4 ya. if she loves then shes in and if shes in then she is all in, luke danes stylez

was that a vivid enough picture or did i just word vom the same things agen n agen sjksjs jus know shes cute n sweet if a lil frustrating n annoying bc shes stubbornpants mcgee. may or may not have a slight compulsion to help fix other ppl ..,,.. someone set her str8 n tell her fix u by coldplay isnt it !!!  

OTHER INFO 

5′9″ born 4 october 1994, virgo sun n moon

not a freshie ! idk how long her program is but like ,,, lets ignore that 4 now ok jus kno that she been here a while

yogi & boxing enthusiast back at home. hc her mans got real into the martial arts w her when hypnos told her she gotta learn how 2 defend so that was one of their things : bonding by workouts so jane cud protecc herself if need be

her maiden name’s jane fulton. got her mommas surname but the name jane ? thats some jane doe bs some rando picked out for her which she hated at first but then seeing tarzan made her go hmmm, ok bet !

lgbtq+ alliance president ! identifies as pan

she met her late hubbie when they were abt 7ish, real friends 2 lovers cuteness. jane was there for him throughout his entire coming out & transition ergo her passion for the community esp queer kids bc she was That Cis Ally for her mans. wears her ring as a real lowkey necklace now

shes also real passionate abt sleep. will ask u how did u sleep last night p much every day u see her bc ppl spend like half their lives asleep catherine ofc shes gonna ask

her fave thing abt eonia ?  the whole siblings bit. shes had 2 make do w what she got n build a family from scratch so this ? she luvs it a lot let her give u kithes hypnos babies

shes p well versed in the greek thingies but only thru the knowledge mortals gets + dream info. after her realizin who she is, all things ancient greek jus sorta became her niche interest ykwim ? shes not like Super Learned abt it more like ,,, ok i gotta at least make Sum sense outta all this, gotta learn what i can. imagin how embarrassin it wud b 2 see a god in ur dream n then go : sorry to this man. nope. not jane, not her, nuh-uh 

luv languages : words, acts of service, physical touch !

useless hcs but she loves disney sfm ok. smtms dresses up as princess tiana for bday parties n shit bc shell do nythin 2 put a smile on the kids n babs faces

ya like jazz ? bc jane surely does ! adores motown & 60s music. nina simone owns her. no one drag peggy lee from 101 dalmatians ! not an important hc but i jus wanted to quote my bubble butt winged bee lover barry

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

children ! infants ! babies !

demigods that make her scratch head damn u live like this ? but also wud knife emoji to protect n care for. shes not the oldest on campus but shes been livin independently p much her entire life so she finks shes got a tight grasp on the myth that is Adulting  

srsly tho the Big Sis vibes is off the charts w this one. shell perserve u dumdums

baddie influencies !

convince her 2 get drunk at a party ! bc she never does. convince her to maybe try drugs ! or go hook up ! do smths impulsive idk jus smth new !

gl tho bc shes not rlly ,,, easily influenced But she can b reasoned w ! in general i fink its just gonna be a fun dynamic if y/m knows how to coax sum wildness outta her or w/e bc thotty yummy theyre hotty yolo rzning jus wont do w this gal. will most likely get argumentative like a big ol momma hen but if u win then ur winning big

Sleep Now or forever hold ur peace !

idk sum1 she helps w their messy sleep ? shes def not super public w it, surely knows her other siblings r Better at it but if  y’all are close, she probs enjoys doin it 4 ya. she runs her hair thru fingers a lot when she does it. like a lot a lot unless u tell her to get lost

lover boi, lover gorl, lover enby !

she can be a lil traditional when it comes to how she views rels. she wants all that meetcute courting bs ! no gender roles tho n u best be sure shes not constantly comparin w her late hubbie ,,, but she jus wants smth magical n 2 be wooed again yk ?

so yea ,,, crushers mayhaps ? sum1 who is tryin 2 woo her ? sum1 she had a meetcute w and now janes got lowkey heart eyes for em ? idk lotsa possiblities but pls keep in mind she is not good at the flirtings so hav mercy on her 

eonia tour guide !

or jus friends who like ,,, constnatly fill her in w all the godly stuff n whatnot. years of not goin 2 camps mean u miss out on a lot ! explore ruins w her n get her info her mortal educ didnt make her privy 2 yk 

head real empty atm i will think of sum n let y’all know when i do, but give us all the conekshunz. friends, enemies, the usual bit, lgbtq alliance peeps, lmk whats up whats done whats cookin we want it all

( shes p much a new muse n da result of me tryna bring in an emotionally healthy kid to this sad sad university. janes in a v good well-adjusted place rn n is my therapy muse bc that other bitch m** is a messy handful. but wbk life aint linear so mayhaps shit’ll hit da fan or one of y/m will ruin her lmfao press f pls ! but also color me eyes emoji bc we love to see it )

[jion0222]

Professor Jang

You are failing, what should you do?

Doomed, that’s the perfect definition of you, you are failing calculus and you’ll be graduating soon, looking at your watch, “Damn it” you whispered, you are so late for your English lit. class, Your professor is extremely annoying and strict

Suddenly the books you were holding fell and you bumped on to a guy, “Aish” the guy said as you looked up, scared only to see your professor in calculus, Professor Jang

“Oh what a surprise Ms, Lee” Professor Jang mocked you, watching you picked your books as you stood up and bowed to him

“I’m so sorry Professor Jang” you whispered, head looking down, you couldn’t feel but get annoyed, now you are really gonna fail

“Shouldn’t you be in class Ms, Lee? Why are you wandering around” Professor Jang asked you, arms crossed, suit perfectly fitting his arms

“I need to go to my class Professor” you excused yourself, quickly walking away but stopped as soon as you heard your Professor shout your name

“Meet me later at the faculty, We need to talk about your grades” With that Professor Jang left you, walking towards his next class

While in your English lit, class you couldn’t help but think about Professor Jang, He’s older by 10 years but he still look extremely young, and he looks extremely handsome too, with prominent jawline and his ooh so perfect body, He is a bit stiff tho, the way he speak or move he resembles Alphago a bit. But that makes him extra adorable, Every girls in your Calculus class likes him, And everyone knows he is single, When all of his colleague are married or taken, suddenly your thoughts are shattered when your English lit professor called you

“Are you done daydreaming Ms Lee?” Professor Eun said, face annoyed with furrowed brows, He resembles grouchy the smurf,

“I’m sorry Professor Eun” You bowed, After a few scolding he dismissed the class, not before giving you a judgemental look, Again you apologized as you went out, Rushing towards the faculty room, You knocked, once twice and you heard a voice said “Come in”

There sits Professor Jang with Professor Kang, both of them talking and laughing as soon as they noticed you, both acknowledging you by nodding, Professor Kang excused his self as he smiled sweetly at you.

Professor Jang stood up, walking towards the door and locking it, you looked at him with wide eyes as he smirks, Sitting on his swirling chair, he gestured for you to sit down infront of his table, you nervously sat down, hands sweaty already

“So you have an idea on what were going to discuss?” He curtly asked, intensely looking at you, with his chin resting on his right arm.

“I’m failing calculus..” you whispered softly, looking down, afraid of even meeting his eyes, you heard a chuckle, making you even nervous

“I know, we both know you are failing” he reminded you, calmly saying it, his fingers started tapping his table, you didn’t know why you are feeling hot at his finger tapping, “You have any suggestion? On how you’ll pass” he added

“Projects? Extra activity?” you suggested, looking at him hopefully

“That easy? It’ll be unfair for the others” he stood up, carefully walking in front of you, now that he is in front of you, you couldn’t help but notice that he is hard, his bulge perfectly showing on his fitted jeans

“what…should I do then..professor?” you looked up at him, eyes fluttering at the way he looks down at you, his tongue wetting his dry lips, that alone made you wet, his hands now playing with your hair, carefully caressing that silky brown hair of yours, Finally knowing what he wants you to do, and how you are so willing to do it even if he still fails you, amazes you

“Do I still have to instruct you on that Ms, Lee?” He hissed, hands now grasping your hair harder, your hands now unbuckling his belt, carefully setting it down to the floor, he grunted at the way you touched his clothed dick, now unbuttoning his jeans, slowly pulling it down with his boxers, His hard dick welcomed you, The way it sprung to life made you even wet if that’s possible cause you are so sure you are soaking wet and it might have even wet the chair you were sitting

“Professor Jang, Will I pass now?” you asked him, Slowly stroking his dick with both your hands, He looks at you, chuckled darkly

“Only if you perform it well Ms,Lee” he said, he moaned when you licked the tip, his taste, just like how you imagined it, So good, carefully licking each veins from the tip to the base, down to his balls, sucking his balls like how you would suck a candy, He is now fisting your hair hard, moaning softly, scared other students would hear them

“Suck it” He demanded, just like how he would demand you to work harder on his class or to listen well when he discussed, And being a good student you are, you suck him, wrapping your luscious pink lips around his hard dick, Suwon now thrusting deep into your mouth, making you gag, would occasionally let go and lets you relax for a few second just to shove his dick in your mouth again, you couldn’t help but moan on his dick, it sent vibrations to him

He pulled out from your mouth, gesturing you to sit on his table, after pushing some things away, maybe even breaking some you sat on his table, unbuttoning his suit, you couldn’t help but admire his body, the 6 pack abs he has, His hands now working on your dress, pulling it off you together with your bra, And god knows how long have you been dreaming to this, He finally kissed you, kissing you hard with so much want and need, biting your lips asking for an entrance, you willingly opened up for him, tongues fighting, sucking, you moaned between the kisses, hands on his neck pulling him closer

You pulled away to breath, but Suwon has another plan, kissing your neck down to your breast, gently sucking on them, and pinching the other, you covered your mouth afraid to moan loud, you reminded yourself you are still inside the faculty.

While he is feasting on your breast, his free hand went down, pulling your panty to the side, his finger –plays with your clit, loving how wet you are for him, now grasping his shoulders tight, he inserted a finger in you, slowly moving it in and out, adding another one in the process, closing your eyes because of the pleasure

You felt empty when his fingers left you, Opening your eyes only to see him putting a condom on, he lazily smirked at you, pulling your neck for a kiss, slowly inserting his dick

“Fuck” you cursed, couldn’t believe how big he was, he stretch you to tell, it hurts

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking concerned, he stopped moving

“Hmm” you nodded, tapping his back, silently asking him to continue, and he did, pushing his whole length inside you, both of you moaned, loving how he filled you and Suwon loving how tight you feel

Suwon looked into your eyes, asking if he can move, you answered him with a kiss, now you feel him thrusting slowly, with his eyes close and low grunts, you bit his shoulder, whimpering

“Professor Jang more please” you begged, you honestly sounded like a slut but who cares, Its Jang Suwon who is fucking you, you’d honestly do anything for him to fuck you hard

“Eung” he hissed harshly, now thrusting 3x faster than before, table now shaking hard, creaking, thinking itll break if he goes even faster, His arms under your legs, pulling you closer and finding the right angle

“Aaaah professor jang!” you moaned loudly as he hit that one spot that made you see cloud 9, he kept on hitting that same spot, hard, harder at each thrust, now you became a moaning mess, Suwon kissing you hard afraid others will hear you, your nails digging deeper on his back, noting that it’ll leave marks

Both of you feeling rushed, now nearing each others climax, pulling away, looking into each others eyes while moaning, you cant help it anymore, you came first, eyes closing in pleasure,clamping hard on his dick, moaning loudly, not even caring about if others will hear it

“Damn it Ms Lee” Professor Jang moaned, After a few hard thrust, he came, pushing deep into you, grunting in the process, now calming down, he pulled away, kissing you lightly

“Fix yourself Ms Lee, Professor Kang will arrive soon” He calmly informed you while throwing the used condom in his trashcan, offering you a tissue to wipe yourself with while wiping his table

Now in a panic, you quickly fixed your self, looking at the mirror, noticing your neck is full of red spots, you looked at Suwon angrily, he chuckled at how adorable you looked, now in his pants, he walked over to you while buttoning his pants

“You still looked lovely, Don’t worry” he teased you, unlocking the door behind you, kissing your head as he tried to fix your hair

“pffft” you pouted, annoyed at his tactics, but what can you do? You can never get mad at him

He offered you a card, You looked at it and noticed it was his business card, You questionable looked at him

“Call me after my work ends” he winked, as if on cue, Your music professor, Professor Kang came in, Looking at the both of you, sensing something happened but didn’t dare say anything….For now

You bowed to the both of them, Saying your goodbye as you went out, Sunghoon looked at Suwon and laughed hard, “You son of bitch Jang Suwon” sensing his death as Suwon looks at him like what a serial killer would look at his victim, He ran out as Suwon ran after him

“Jiwon hyung!!!! Help!!!” He shouted towards the English lit, Professor, Suwon stopping abruptly, scared of their hyung as he adores Sunghoon so much.

“Fuck off” Jiwon pushed Suwon away as he wrap his arm around Sunghoon’s shoulder, Sunghoon being the tease he is, Playfully showing his tongue to Suwon.

“Stop it, fuck to the both of you” he annoyingly said but then remembered what happened a few minutes ago, Smiling to himself, he went back to his table, now finishing his work to meet you even sooner.

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 92

[Date: 17/03, 07:42 PM GMT - 17/03, 09:29 PM GMT]

jayyyyyyyy: “fetch, come on, cant you see this isnt doing anything to help?

just take the damn ointment”

Little-K1ng: “he... what?”

Marcus: “I back read a little bit”

Marcus: “Just not here”

fetch: “fine. you want me to be honest huh. go on look at the fucking doc. just another place where my problems turned into everyone else's.”

Little-K1ng: fetch.... you really, really need to stop lying to me. im doing my best here, im trying so hard to let things slide in the name of giving you what you need. but you are far from making it easy on me”

fetch: “we're gonna forget all this happened in 3 days time anyway. it doesn't fucking matter what i tell you or what i dont.”

Little-K1ng: “you get angry when you're stressed, you stop responding, you stop listening to reason

but-.. wait, whats going to happen in 3 days?”

Maxwell: “....prince told us that faer family is coming back in 3 days”

fetch: “the beginning of spring.”

Maxwell: “spring officially begins then”

jayyyyyyyy: “we'll get you guys back, if you somehow go back in the first place”

Little-K1ng: “so.... so i get warning, this time,

thats.... almost too cruel”

fetch: “whatever. i honestly can't be asked to care at this point.”

Marcus: “You’d really say that to Mona of all people?”

Little-K1ng: “i..... i wouldnt ask that of you”

Marcus: “...three days huh”

Little-K1ng: “i would simply fucking EXPECT IT FROM YOU. HOW THE FUCK. AM I MEANT TO FEEL. WHEN I CANT STOP GRIEVING SOMEONE. WHOS RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ME, FETCH?”

donti (e): “... mona u alright...?”

Marcus: “Is that really a question you’re asking right now?”

donti (e): “ah.. sorry.”

jayyyyyyyy: “honestly at this point im willing to chuck a bucket of weedkiller at fetch's head”

Marcus: “Jeight.”

donti (e): “hey hey lets not get hastyy”

Little-K1ng: “i... [huff] i .... [sniff] i just.. i shouldnt have yelled i....”

Marcus: “This isn’t helping”

fetch: “i... you're expecting too much from me. i mean. you expect me to care at this point? when death is coming to our door and all we can do is throw on a little sprinkler? when all we can do is sit in a huddle and wait until these vines in our skulls fully bloom?”

donti (e): “... we discussed possible solutions to the buds if you.. want to change subject.. or not”

jayyyyyyyy: “fetch, the thing about this is that we have a fighting chance

we lose that chance if you stop fighting”

Little-K1ng: “im expecting you to fucking try, fetch. im expecting you to understand that we're all going through this, and every time you lie to me, to us, you cost us more time we could have spent trying to fix it”

fetch: “how would it help, by piling on more and more to the shitheap we have already? you're not supposed to worry about me. ive always been able to handle myself.”

Maxwell: “please ⌇⏁⍜⌿arguing....why are we arguing.....”

Marcus: “..”

Void: “...”

Little-K1ng: “wh... what did you just...?”

Maxwell: “....what....”

fetch: “...”

Maxwell: “why are...”

Marcus: “Max..”

Maxwell: “why are you staring at me what”

Marcus: “Can you say what you just said again”

Little-K1ng: “that sounded like...”

donti (e): “max...”

Little-K1ng: “say that again, max”

Marcus: “Please”

jayyyyyyyy: “actually maybe dont”

Marcus: “Max say it again”

jayyyyyyyy: “that. i think fighting is causing the process to speed up”

Maxwell: “please stop arguing....why are we arguing.....?”

Little-K1ng: “i... thats not what i heard”

donti (e): “... lets stop arguing”

Marcus: “That’s..that’s what I thought you said

You just

Didn’t say it like that”

Maxwell: “but i did”

fetch: “...yall still think I need to be priority right now?”

Maxwell: “thats what i said”

jayyyyyyyy: “you, uh, said "stop" in enderspeak”

Maxwell: “what no i didnt”

Marcus: “Fetch. This is going to be you so kindly shut the fuck up about not being a priority”

Little-K1ng: “fetch, you fail to recognize that you're always my priority, even if you're kind of an ass”

Marcus: “Max it’s okay

I told you it would be okay”

Little-K1ng: “max, hug?”

Maxwell: “why....why are you all acting so weird?”

Little-K1ng: “its alright, max”

jayyyyyyyy: “we're all just stressed mate”

Maxwell: “are yall okay?”

donti (e): “weere fine its fine..”

Maxwell: “its?

look im not a child you can tell me whats going on”

Marcus: “We told you”

fetch: “you spoke in ender.”

Marcus: “You denied it”

donti (e): “you spoke ender.”

Maxwell: “you....youre kidding right?”

jayyyyyyyy: “nope”

Maxwell: “ha funny joke”

jayyyyyyyy: “we're not joking”

fetch: “for once im not lying.”

Marcus: “You told us to tell you.

We told you.”

Little-K1ng: “here, come in for a hug, wont you?”

Maxwell: “no no no no no”

Little-K1ng: “ive got you, max”

Maxwell: “i couldnt have no”

jayyyyyyyy: “hold on, hes panicking”

Little-K1ng: “its the stress, max

its alright, im here”

jayyyyyyyy: “mona, give him a little space”

Maxwell: “no no no stay please”

jayyyyyyyy: “i never said for anyone to leave

are you okay with being given hugs, or would you rather not?”

Maxwell: “im okay with it”

LLyr: “they’ve kind of established max likes the contact at this point i think”

jayyyyyyyy: “yeah, but you can never be too careful”

LLyr: “fair enough”

Little-K1ng: “i appreciate the concern for max, jayx8″

fetch: “I. i would offer a hug but I'm not feeling up to it. i think I'm just gonna go for a walk.”

jayyyyyyyy: “its

Little-K1ng: “fetch...”

jayyyyyyyy: “​hm”

Maxwell: “i dont wanna go back no no please no”

Little-K1ng: “i would rather you not go out where the court roams

you got in one good bite, let it be enough”

fetch: “i'll stick nearby.

i just need to get out of the house.”

Little-K1ng: “stay where you can see the road, alright? text me if you need a pickup”

jayyyyyyyy: “stay near the neighborhood. go to the mineshaft if you need to”

fetch: “yeah. got it. later.”

Maxwell: “I'm scared”

donti (e): “...”

Little-K1ng: “oh, max...”

Maxwell: “oh no oh god oh merde”

donti (e): “sh shsshshh max its fine.

calm down its alright.”

Little-K1ng: “tell you what, we can destress with some hot cocoa? with the tiny colorful marshmallows you like?”

Marcus: “I can go make it

I don’t think max wants to be alone right now”

jayyyyyyyy: “maybe watch some movies? ones that uh, dont have kidnapping in them, too. moana would be good?”

Little-K1ng: “i dont actually.. own any movies

i dont watch them”

donti (e): “youtube videos ?”

Little-K1ng: “that works”

[They watch a video of an otter for a while, and discuss the events from earlier this day. Max thinks that the wreathe mayn’t be as bad as everyone thinks it’ll be, as it will have calendula marigolds which are good for helping to heal.]

Little-K1ng: “....ah.. they are, but maybe..... nah, nevermind.... ill let you enjoy the thought”

Maxwell: “they may be fully metal but still...maybe then can help the family....”

Marcus: “...”

Little-K1ng: “.........”

Maxwell: “what?”

Marcus: “..yeah max, that’s a nice thought”

Maxwell: “i thought so too!”

Little-K1ng: “i cant believe.... im staring down the barrel of either losing all 3 of you... or going with you and not remembering any of this... that hurts, and it hasnt even happened yet”

Marcus: “Well

I don’t know if this will comfort you or not

But you might not entirely forget this”

Little-K1ng: “true! this is honestly the happiest thing to happen to me in an incredibly long time, there is a chance itll stick”

Marcus: “Baron and Prince remember their childhoods a little bit”

Maxwell: “stick...sticky...ha honey is sticky but not good

tastes yucky”

Marcus: “...I remembered Elizabeth and I learning codes

....max?”

Maxwell: “hm?

something wrong?”

Marcus: “What was that about honey just now?”

Maxwell: “oh!

well mona said stick

and stick is one letter off from sticky!

and hony is really sticky

but i dont like honey”

Marcus: “...got it

Maxwell: “bleh”

Marcus: “Okay yeah that

That makes sense”

Maxwell: “yeah!”

Little-K1ng: “i wish i hadnt snapped at fetch like that... maybe when he comes back i can give him a proper apology”

Maxwell: “hm perhaps that would be good

family should get along”

[this message was deleted shortly afterwards]

Marcus: “....”

Little-K1ng: “i...?”

Maxwell: “what?”

Marcus: “M..ax?”

Little-K1ng: “max?”

Maxwell: “god damn it did i speak fucking ender again or some shit???”

Marcus: “N..no”

Little-K1ng: “n..no.....”

Maxwell: “the fuck happened then? yall look freaked out”

Marcus: “Um”

Little-K1ng: “nevermind! :)!!”

Maxwell: “hm.....if youre sure...”

Marcus: “I must be tired, it’s fine Max! :)”

Maxwell: “youve been sleeping a lot man you sure?”

Marcus: “Yeah, gotta be tired to sleep a lot right”

Maxwell: “I guess”

Little-K1ng: “are you guys...... hungry?”

[The conversation switches to the topic of making brownies and other baked goods. There was also small talk about methods of removing the growing wreathe buds that had been suggested earlier in the day. Mona suggests cutting one of the buds off, if Max could handle it. Jack and Marcus argue over their priorities: their concern for Max and their family respectively. After snipping off a small part of the buds, the following conversation ensures:]

Marcus: “...he’s not bleeding”

donti (e): “can you guys take a look at what mona cut off?”

emuhlee: “well, that part is good?”

Maxwell: “theres some time of fucking liquid ow”

Marcus: “It looks like that...cellulose that comes out of dandelions”

Little-K1ng: “Hhhhhhhhh”

Marcus: “Mona?

donti (e): “is max alright??”

Marcus: “Uh..in pain?”

dreaming: “uh get a towel?”

Marcus: “It’s not a lot”

Maxwell: “that really hurt jesus fucking christ”

Marcus: “Have you never picked a dandelion?

It’s like that”

Little-K1ng: “That's kinda. Gross”

Jack the Observer: “it's not blood though, right?”

Maxwell: “my headache is much worse....”

Little-K1ng: “No not blood”

Marcus: “It’s..

Huh”

donti (e): “blood substitute?”

Marcus: “It stopped”

Jack the Observer: “huh.”

Marcus: “......”

donti (e): “hey what happened to the bud”

Marcus: “Mona

Mona look”

Marcus: “Mona there’s two more”

Maxwell: “God damn it is this fucking Hercules or some shit”

Jack the Observer: “pft”

donti (e): “well.

we can at least look at the bud that was cut off.”

Marcus: “It’s just sitting there”

[The conclusion from this experiment was that the buds have nerve endings, which is why it hurt Maxwell and worsened his headache when it was cut, even after being numbed with ice prior to cutting. People ask about Fetch’s whereabouts. This was his last known update to the document:]

[With this information, people begin to speculate that Fetch might not be back for a while…]

[tubb0]

stream liveblog: tommyinnit 8/22

I woke up literally a minute before he started so thats cool

he’s in a mood

he says he’s going to spend more time editing his videos (and upload less)

he also says his plan is two smp videos and then ‘something cool. something you might recognize’ 👀

oh so someone is building a tesck to compete with walmart. good.

theres a nether protal in tommys tower. he is not pleased

I just woke up idk whos been doing stuff but they’ve been quite busy

tommy is upset that tubbo was streaming with someone who ‘stole his brand’ (wearing a red t-shirt)

chat says his name is also tom

now hes in call with tubbo, yelling

‘you’re not just gonna go speak to this guy with more red in his shirt than me’

oh he hung up on tubbo

shippers will have a fierld day with this one (I desperately hope they don’t exist since these are children but yknow I’m sure they do)

you can see the corner of tommys bed when he fullscreens his facecam. he doesn’t have sheets or a mattress cover on his bed. do what you will with this (unless its weird then please dont)

tubbo_ has joined the game

tommy says he will ghost tubbo

also hey its fine to have a crush on tommy if you’re around his age but you dont have be weird and pushy about it

tubbo is doing the sad walk and tommy shot him

tommy: best friendship ended with tubbo. jack manifold is my new best friend

tubbo_ has left the game

chat is babying tubbo again :/

tubbo_ has joined the game

<tubbo_> sorry

tubbo_ has left the game

‘I always knew this day would come. thats why I was always mean to tubbo. I knew he would rob me.’

tubbo_ has joined the game

he left again... his spaghetti is ready

tommy is thinking of ways to but tubbo to work in order for them to earn back his friendship

wait did ponk steak tommys horse? I thought bbh did

anyways retrieve horsechamp

chat says niki lost ylyl because of tommy

wilbur was not pleased that she finds him funny (joking of course)

anyway niki is so pretty

it has just clicked for tommy that the horse is in fact his horse

oh hes on the run

tubbo has returned from eating his poggers spaghetti

tommy is stuck in a hole

tubbo: you know the pope? anyway heres my bee box!

tubbo keeps talking about the pope

tubbo has decided he doesn’t need tommys friendship and left the game

tommy says hes ‘like dream. his only friends are the numbers.’

he called tubbo and theyre both yelling now

tubbo claims to want more mature friends than tommy

tommy is accusing tubbo of being on drugs

the pope returns

‘this is like a divorce’ ‘yeah except I dont care’

they spent a second questioning catholicism

tubbo please why do you keep talking about the pope

tubbo brought up death and tommy shut that down real quick

tubbo out here with definitions

dream has joined the game

dream is only kind to tubbo and yet wont follow them back on twt

there something so endearing about hearing someone moving further from the mic when they laugh

chat is talking about the vlog gun so tommys watching wilburs stream

tommy: *upset about wilbur trying to break the vlog gun* tubbo: does this mean we can be together for mmc??

tommy hit tubbo of his balcony and now tubbo is regretting coming back online

tommy just murdered dream by hitting him with a minecart

ah fuck chat lost it and my streams starting to lag

skeppy is threatening to burn the doscs to avenge dreams death

tommy to tubbo: our friendship really hold this server together

did he lie?? absolutely not

deals are being made

well not really. tommy is trying to get a disc in exchange for dreams stuff

some pvp may occur

stream title has been changed to ‘war’ things are getting serious

tubbos wifi is failing us

oh the boys are fighting

a few thing happened in so little time but to summarize the way that tommy and tubbo trust eachother and silently cooperate is very cool. I aspire for this friendship.

for some reason its always so weird to me when I hear just dream talking to tommy and tubbo

I think its because drram is so stubborn and assertive but tommy does not care or put up with it so no matter what dream always seems to have the lowerhand which doesn’t happen often

I’m confused why is chat making such a big deal about wilbur ending his stream

ah a confrence with president soot

the other day everyone was afraid the server was dying but this seems like the start of another war

wilbursoot has joined the game

do you ever get so caught up in the drama of these stream and then it hits you that these are just a bunch of losers playing minecraft

wilbur... to be fair tommy didnt mean to kill dream... he warned him too

oh?

wilbur whispered to tommy to run while he was negotiating with dream and I think he told tubbo to kill dream but tubbo might also just be doing that for fun idk

dreams bringing up server rules... do it. ban tommy. your server will die immediately.

wilbur has scolded tommy and now tommy is ignoring him to plot with tubbo

sapnap!

I like the dynamic between tommy, tubbo and sapnap very much

sapnap has joined the game

oh my god I have to pee

lmao dream said tommy scams him often and tommy went 😬

‘everyone will call you bream for bitch dream’

tommy gave him his stuff

oh but some was never picked up

yikes dream is actually mad

damn tommy and skeppy are really going at it

chat says skeppy had the sword that dreams mad about uh oh

hehe tommy is very funny

tubbo is bargaining for tommy since dream killed him and is threatening his cow

if chat is right and skeppy actually has the sword hes pretty good at kying because I believe him but also I don’t know him well so

tommy is telling tubbo to kill skeppy now

aw skeppys stream sniping thats no fun

but anyway was that not the sword dream was looking for that tommy just showed in the chest????

so is sapnap on their side now? I think I missed something

no chat seems just as confused as me so

sapnap about betraying dream: it just seemed interesting idk

I think hes lying

chat has a point... I cant tell if tommy doesn’t realize or doesnt care that dream is watching his stream

wait that was cool

dream pearled away from sapnap but tommy saw the pearl and waited there so he could attack

ok but anyway while theyre chasing eachother around how did the minecart kill dream?? I’m pretty sure it does no damage and if I’m wrong dream was still in enchanted netherite and I doubt he was running around on like half a heart... unless he just did a /kill on himself for the drama??

tubbo broke all the ender chests and put them inside one... hes so smart

oh ok so tommy doesn’t care if dream is watching

fuck a bug flew in my eye

ponk and skeppy just reading the deaths in chat and making small comments lol

tubbo what

sapnap please

I’m very glad dream isnt in vc anymore because I bet he’s very upset and he gets scary sometimes

dont get me wrong I love him but yknow

oh no sapnap dont :(

tommy is getting so nervous about tubbos wifi going out because then itll be him against everyone else online lmao

tubbo: our relationship cannot be toxic because I am not in love with you :))

no tubbo not the pope again

tubbo please my head hurts

woah tubbo just killed tubbo while dream started killing him

oh he logged out and now dream is killing tommy

at this point dream is purposely not communicating with tommy and I’m getting nervous

oh hes back

go tubbo go

yknow what a man can do with 55 sticks?

tubbo accidentally locked himself in jail lmao

tommy is calling dream clay

he does not care

dream logged out (unrelated to above statements)

woah wait what tubbo is leading tommy somewhere secret that he cant even show on stream

tubbo you genius what do you have planned

tommy is playing his vlog to entertain stream while tubbo directs him to the secret

wtf tubbo

also they said sounds have to be off so I think the location might be in the nether or something because sounds will apparently give it away

dying is the only way they can leave??? but it cant be the end though right?

cuz like the achievements would show up

hmm

I don’t want to be too much of a snitch in case any of them actually are lurking on here but anyways tubbo is very epic

both tubbo and tommys mothers are teachers?

but they have a point dont skip your classes to watch someone play minecraft!

tubbo is such a good friend

they also say their in a tournament on the 31st so look forward to it

tommy is really throwing shade at shippers this stream. good for him.

oh and lowkey dnf shade too haha

ha tubbo almost leaked one of tommys video ideas

tubbo just wants to play fall guys

tommy is too self aware

but also he has a point. chat always sides with tubbo because they baby him

its kinda weird ngl

ahh my wifis going out :(

they’re watching the sunrise on tommys balcony while listening to blocks

oop tommy ended the stream because chat was being weird

gg tommy

anyway good stream go check it out if you havent already because I left some stuff out either because I type too slow or didn’t want to leak secrets :))

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[fearsbellsarchived]

[me? Thinking about a gf fairytales au instead of being productive? More likely than u think!!! think ou.at buT BETTER and w/o the real world dimension hopping part. under the cut bc i just copy/pasted my tags from forever ago to put them in one place

mabel and dipper are hansel and gretal

paz is sleeping beauty 

bill is maleficient 

if we’re gonna get disney about it wendy as merida 

i LOVE the idea of tambry as rapunzel??? 

mabel can also be like...eric from the little mermaid 

so mermando can be ariel 

gIDEON AS URSULA/VANESSA IN THAT VEIN THO 

bill is also rumplestilskin 

stan can be the huntsman (idk from which story cause theres a fEW BUT)

ford is the sorcerer from fanstasia 

ford is teaching dipper magic....and instead of a true love’s kiss that’s how he wakes paz (maybe?)

the northwests made a deal w bill like in the most famous version of rumplestilskin but instead of wanting paz for himself he just wanted to steal her body at 16

so when they lose the deal they ask for help from ford and ford’s like “yo i can maybe change the deal??? a little bit???” so instead of bill taking her over when he goes to she falls asleep ​

so dipper wasnt supposed to wake her up but he found her and fords notes and he and mabel went on an adventure

bill is all the villains 

billains 

so stan has to leave mabel and dipper in the woods (idk y it wasnt for long the twins are just impatient) so stan disappears and the twins are like “lETS EXPLORE THE WOODS”

they come across some creepy old house w a lot of spiderwebs (can u guess the villain yet?)

an older woman comes out and is like “why are you guys lost in the forest?”

mabel points to the glitter trail “we’re not lost”

dipper looks behind them ‘mabel!!! where’s all the glitter?!”

(ACTUALLY MAYBE ITS YARN???) 

so they lose the trail 

meanwhile stan is losing his fucking mind

he follows the stray glitter but it’s blown all over

he feels “LOST IN THE WOOOOODDDS!!!”

so the old lady offers for them to stay the night bc its getting late

dipper is SUPER sus but he plays it cool surprisingly

mabel is So In!

long short...stan eventually saves them from darlene’s trap

usually shes just a maneater but look

when u live in the woods u do what u can

so stan hauls them back to their cottage

dipper knew there was weird shit out there but he wants MORE

he starts going through his great-uncle’s journals (*cue the dipper squee*)

he reads about bill and his deal w paz’s parents

he’s like....’maybe we should rescue her?’

ford wont tell him why they cant

so dipper and mabel sneak out

they steal the grunkles’ boat

mabel falls over board???

dipper tries like HELL to save her

but then he sees mermando save her

SO MABEL IS SAVED BY MERMANDO!!! 

gideon (who had long-loved mabel from afar) finds out

he visits the merman to trick him

all mabel remembers is his voice

so YES mermando trades his voice for legs just like the movie

sue me okay w his distinct accent it makes sense!!!

so the twins get sidetracked bc mermando shows up out of nowhere

they dock on a small island for a pit stop and thats when ‘kiss the girl’ happens

they dont kiss so they move on

they dock on another stretch of land the next day

AND GIDEON APPEARS

the twins have only heard about him from their grunkles so mabel hears his voice and goes *heart eyes*

mermando is Distressed

dipper is Focused on getting to this sleeping princess

mabel makes fun of him for liking her

SO GIDEON HAS MERMANDOS VOICE!

at one point dipper catches him w/o the amulet that makes him sound like mermando

and he tells mabel and its kinda like “the hand that rocks the mabel” or whatever the ep was called

it takes dipper and mermando being threatened (and gideons voice slipping) for her to catch on and she breaks up w him

dipper wants to throw him overboard

they just leave him on the next inhabited island they find

mermando got his kiss but decides to go back to the ocean anyway

he promises to write

mabel is Sad

SO BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED ADVENTURE!

the twins come across a land near the one paz is on and decide to stop for food and to stretch their legs and other hygiene things

they find out there’s some archery thing going on and mabel is like ’ooooh can we try?!’

turns out its for neighboring kingdoms’ princes to win a princess

mabel and dipper think this is RIDICULOUS so they crash it

mabel steps up to shoot and everyone’s like ‘wHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?’

then dipper steps up beside her. neither of them have shot a bow before

they shoot at the same time. mabel’s like thisclose to the bullseye. dippers too far right

THEN!!! PRINCESS WENDY COMES OUT OF NOWHERE

DIPPER AND MABEL ARE IN AWE OF THIS VALKYRIE. THEYRE BOTH READY FOR HER TO KILL THEM BC THEY THINK ITLL BE AWESOME

but wendy is like ‘ACTUALLY ILL SHOOT FOR MYSELF THANKS’ and splits like three arrows down the middle w her accuracy

she looks at mabel and dipper and is like ‘u dudes look fun! ive never seen u before who are u???’

and they’re like ‘WELL!’ and launch into detail about their adventure w overlapping voices and sound affects and VAST description

anyways. i cant decide how old people are rn okay 

so wendy is like “hey dad??? im going on an adventure w these guys!” and her dad is like “unusual but u DID just win ur own hand. so ill allow it”

“YES! can i take soos too?!” 

“sure!”

sO THEYRE OFF AGAIN!!! lemme tell u the ship is filling faST!!!

they get to paz’s land. and the first thing they find is a girl in a tower with long purple hair.

everyone is pretty much just making ‘wtf’ faces for like....ten minutes.

finally wendy calls up the tower like “YO! WHATS W ALL THE HAIR?!”

tambry leans out the window w a bored expression and goes “its mine. im tambry. who r u?”

they introduce themselves and are like “u wanna come on our adventure?”

then....ROBBIE APPEARS!

and he knows where the princess is!!!

”oh yeah. her. shes also in a tower. its got a door but its guarded by gnomes.”

then robbie climbs tambrys hair pecks her cheek and ducks in the tower

they decide to head for the tower robbie directed them to. but they have to pass the castle. Northwest Castle

robbie warned them about the northwests. said that the princess was one and before she disappeared she was the snottiest brat hed ever met

so they became friends despite the fact that he plays music for a living (and not very well either)

her parents told her of the spell when she was twelve

so robbie’s like “they are not nice people and neither was she??? most of the townsfolk are glad shes asleep tbh”

but dammit! dipper came here for an adventure!!! he wasnt going to stop just bc the princess wasnt what he expected!

so they continue on!

mabel is like “maybe she doesnt KNOW how to be nice!”

and soos is just excited to be there!

and wendy is just...u kno...chill

they start to get close to the castle and they feel like they’re being watched

and then soos notices the PEACOCKS!

they assume theyre spies for the king and queen. which is half true?

they can also warn bill if someone is near pacifica

oh damn imagine that

being stuck asleep w a DREAM DEMON in ur head

sorry for the accidental psychological torture paz

WHICH IS THE ONLY TORTURE SHES HAD!

i think to make up for risking her life as a baby ther parents were like “we’re just gonna spoil u rotten and PRETEND u do no wrong eVERYTHING IS FINE”

so dipper is reading the journal and he FINALLY gets to the true loves kiss part of the deal

and he looks around at the party like “oh shit true love what do we do???”

mabel suggests he at least try and everyone agrees that yeah okay thats the back up plan

but dipper wants to use a SPELL!!!

so the king and queen see him w the journal and remember ford having the same one

so everyone is brought to the king and queen

theyre like “pRINCESS GWENDOLYN?!”

bc this is MY STORY and if i wanna give wendy a more princess-y name thEN I WILL

i say as i continue to refer to mason as DIPPER!!!

SO THEYRE MEETING THE NORTHWESTS!!!

wendys like “yes that is me the princess” and then everyone else introduces themselves...w dipper introducing himself as mason bc it just sounds more fairytale-y

soos is jesus (hey zeus! not jee sus)

soos is like....wendys bff/personal servant but mostly bff

so they explain their adventure to the northwests as quickly as possible

preston is no patient man and he’s is like “tbh its probably important she be here for her 18th bday soooo??? as long as she wakes up by next year why not???”

but only bc dipper was like “i wANNA USE MAGIC I DONT WANNA KISS HER THATS PLAN B!!!”

plus u kno...even if he DOES whats the guarantee itll work???

the guarantee is me being a filthy shipper tHATS WHAT!!!

so they continue to the tower!

there is probably a sidequest thingy with giffany bc i liked that episode

also soos needs more screentime im sorry

SO THEN!!! FINALLY!!!! THEY MAKE IT TO THE TOWER!!!

WHICH IS!!!

IN FACT!!!

GUARDED

BY

GNOMES!]

also theres a manotaur/multi-bear sidequest i just thought of bc i like THAT episode!!!

is this gf, a fairytale, sk.yrim, or a d.n.d campaign now??? WHO KNOWS!!! ITS NOT ME!!!

SO THEY GOTTA GET PAST THE GNOMES!

first they offer safe passage in exchange for mabel as their queen

after thats declined theyre like “or the redhead. well take her!”

this is also declined

finally jeff tells them to attack

at first the party tries to fight them off and they do okay

uNTIL SOME GNOME WEAPONIZED SCHMEBULOCKS RAINBOW PUKE!!! (i think it’s toxic tbh but i dONT REMEMBER)

finally mabel just pulls out her trusty crosSbow (aka “GRAPPLING HOOK!”) and they just make a tightrope to the window above the door

wendy goes first and NAILS it

then everyone else follows

soos almost falls and gets left to the gnomes but everyone helps him balance and they all make it through the window

coincidentally. the window leads to the princess’s room

OH MAN WHY DIDNT I USE THE PTERODACTYL?!

oh well. anyways.

everyone is looking around the room and like...taking it all in

dipper takes a moment...then walks over to the princess

he isnt sure if waking her will also wake the demon

crossover even more w my old paciphera au??? idk probably not

so dipper tries the spells he narrowed it down to

none of them work

all his friends have returned to the princess’s room and mabel is like “u gotta kiss her brobro!”

so dipper...poor poor dipper...just leans forward and kisses her

paz pretty much snaps her eyes open when dipper is a half inch from her face while he’s pulling back 

and even tho she was forewarned she wasnt expecting DIPPER so she SCREAMS

dippers ears are ringing

she shuts her eyes and stills her breathing and sits up.

AND SEES EVERYONE ELSE AND SCREAMS AGAIN

“i dIDNT EXPECT U TO BRING *FRIENDS*!”

so once shes a little more calm they explain the whole adventure to her

paz feels a little honored they came all this way just for her

also since True Love beats everything bill is like.....back in his home dimension. also paz has been fighting him for like....over a year.

so paz is like....ready to Go. u kno. just wants to go HOME.

they get pazs shit together and exit the tower through the door

she says goodbye to the gnomes. all by name.

“oh yeah mom and dad made them my personal guard when i was like...eight. theyve been prepping for this my whole life. they’ll meet me back at the castle.” so then she starts telling them about herself and her last like 

two years of being asleep w a DREAM DEMON

“sometimes i got the weirdest nightmares??? and they never ended. but when i woke up i couldnt remember anything specific.”

she and dipper talk away from the group. he tells her about how hes her true love and everything “okay well. we’ll have to lie to my parents and say it was a spell. bc they will NOT approve of us being true loves and if they hurt you...”

“then they hurt *you* too!” dipper finishes (idk maybe a combo w a soulmate au thing?)

meanwhile mabel is like...whining about boy problems??? and wendy is like “this is y boys r dumb.”

soos is like...wandering off. I WANNA INCORPORATE MELODY BUT WHO SHOULD SHE BE?!

paz and dipper start like....arguing about how to deal w her parents

apparently they actually ARENT that nice. if she doesnt marry a prince they’ll give her over to bill completely...or something idk

SO theyre nearing the castle!!!

theyve written theyre grunkles okay no worries. also mermando.

thats y mabels complaing about boys.

mermando and that manatee wife of his!!!

paz is not exactly ready to face her parents so she convinces the party (roll for charisma) to go the long way

which is actually just circles

anyways

we run back in to melody and soos and the party is like ‘wHOOPS WE DIDNT EVEN NOTICE GLAD U DIDNT GET EATEN BY A SPIDER LADY!

maybe melody is like....a fairy???

something light and ‘childish’ bc thatd fit her personality

soos is like “ive BEEN here. u dudes have been going in circles.” and everyone glares at paz.

“im sorry!!! i just dont want to go back!!!”

“ur dad made us promise to have u back for ur 18th bday.” says dipper while he tries to stay mad at his future wife

paz is like “YEAH SO HE CAN MARRY ME OFF TO A PRINCE!!!”

idk why paz and dips are being better at being soulmates here okay i was like....sleep-drunk when i first wrote this

so the party has a choice to make.

take paz back home where she wont be able to be w her TL (which in some cases has probably led to death) OR!!!

sneak her out and take her home w them?!

wendys probably gotta go back to her own kingdom tho.

and soos wants to stay w melody

U KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED?!

sTAN NEVER GOT TO BE SOOS’S DAD!!!!

SORRY SOOS!!!

so anyways

mabel and dipper decide to help her sneak out

luckily she knows all the blindspots

it takes longer but they finally make it back to their ship

they say theyre goodbyes to soos and melody and paz wishes them well in her kingdom. she promises to return when shes ready to rule

they load the ship and sail to wendys kingdom next

they stay a few days to recuperate

paz has trouble sleeping bc when she does the nightmares come back.

cue a kat.niss/pee.ta thing where paz sleeps next to dips bc it keeps the nightmares away

wendy has to explain why soos isnt w them to her dad who kinda shrugs it off?

“u proved u can protect urself.” or something.

after like.....a whole fucking year the twins are heading home.

paz and dipper sleep together on the ship too bc its just fucking easier

paz is nervous to meet the grunks

she and dipper arent exactly....dating??? its def more like soulmate au

where theyre AWARE theyre supposed to be together but they dont even rly know if they WANT to be together.

paz is p much “i dont rly wanna be w anyone else. ill let u kno if that changes.” and dips is like “tbh same.”

mabel is already planning a big royal wedding.

iDK Y BUT I WANT THEM TO FIND OUT THEYVE BEEN ROYALTY ALL THIS TIME??? probably just bc i LOVE that trope!!! but theyre not so its whateves.

so they FINALLY get home. mabel has been writing letters this whole time. to mermanso. to soos and melody. to wendy.

shes the captain of the dip.ifica ship and shes gotta keep her crewmembers in the know!!!

the twins also wrote to the grunks the whole time so!!!! no worries!!!

paz tries writing to her parents...but she can never find the right words.

meeting the grunks isnt as bad as she thought???

stan loves her off the bat. partially bc shes rich and bc she doesnt take shit

ford is pleased to meet the girl he saved and shes v v thankful to him for saving her life as best he could.

it takes her like a YEAR to write the letter.

she promises her parents she’ll return. AFTER shes married.

at this point she and dipper ARE together. they figured all theyre confusion out and are just living the good life!

mabel and wendy are doing the long distance thing. shes still friends w mermando.

robbie and tambry found paz and they write back and forth.

u CAN TAKE ROBBIE AND PAZ SIBLINGS FROM MY DECOMPOSING HANDS!!!

everything is as happily ever after as it can get.

and then dipper proposes despite knowing what it means.

BUT THATS A WHOLE OTHER ADVENTURE!!!!

*end credits roll. an epic theme song starts playing*

[hands-free-masturbation]

What would you do if today was your last day on earth?

I keep asking people that question lately. I get the same response. An awkward pause, an awkward stare, maybe where they're wondering if I'm being serious or just being weird. If I'm just bullshitting or asking for ideas.And then I get the same answer.

"Well I dont know, I'd have to think about it."

And they never ask me what I would do. Because to be fair, if I was in their position I'd want to move away from the conversation too.

So they never ask. And that's good. Because I wouldn't know what to say either. I think my last day would be a shit day. A dull day. Where nothing happens. I dont think I'd go out and get blasted, and go see the sights, and do the things I always wanted to do. It would be a day that doesnt promise anything. A day where I dont believe in that stuff any more. Where I dont trust in the promise of tomorrow anymore. Where Hopes and dreams feel like feel like a carrot on a stick. It would be a day like today.

It would be today.

And I said that yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.

It would be today.

And then I go to sleep. And I say the same thing again.

"I could do it. I could do it now."

"Itll hurt my family but I don't care anymore. That's stopped me years, but I cant anymore. I'm tired, I'm tired of living for the sake of other people. Tired of being a house plant. I'm sorry, I'm sorry but it wont be my problem anymore. It wont be my worry anymore. Itll all be gone. Itll all be over. I'll either sleep for ever, or meet my maker and ask him some fucking questions. Because all I want is to not want anymore. To not be. To not remember. To not fail. To stop the rumination of every failure and every what couldve been. It's never gotten better. It's never going to get better. I can't win. I'm behind every horrible,stupid, cowardly decision I've ever made. I'm the problem. My purpose to not fulfill what I want to do. And to defy that purpose would mean to end my life because that's what I want. I've half assed everything. It makes sense this is the only thing I dont half ass. I dont want to go on. I dont want to get my Hopes up again, dream again. Only for me to take it away again. I have to go. I have to go."

And after thinking all that, I go to sleep. And do it again the next day. And then the shaking stops. I go out side. I look at the sky and feel the warmth of the sunlight as it reflects off the leaves and grass around me. And I feel calm. I'm that part of me with out worries. With out anxieties. The part of me that should be in charge more. I should call him more often. I sit there, and think "I'll come back here. I'll be here again"

And then I go back to anxiety, the shaking, the regret, the self loathing, the dread, the doom, I go back to asking "what if today was my last day here?" And how okay I would be if that day was now.

Maybe if it looks like an accident it wont be so bad? But that feels cheated. Because I want people to know. Because part of me wants to hurt others. Maybe that's why I want to do it? Maybe I want to remembered, and I feel my significance fading away. I see the future, and I see a hasbeen failure, a dude who had potential, and just kind of never did anything about it. A loser. Oh he did what last week? Damn dude, that's tragic man. He was funny in high school. Sucks, you gotta check up on people some times. Any how, you see the game last night?

That's my biggest fear. And the easy way to be remembered is to do it now. While people still care. While people still remember seeing me last. Some one else can ruminate for a change. Wonder what they couldve done different, if they couldve helped, or stopped me. Theyll remember me.

Theyll remember with pain. With guilt. With sorrow. Everything I've ever felt will be given to them. Theyll wonder what if they never met me. If they could be spared this. Theyll remember my pain, and what couldve been. What I couldve done. The joy I couldve brought.

And then theyll push to forget. To move on. And I'll be forgotten.

You see the conflict here right? Like I go back and forth lol. Not to the point of being bipolar I think? But a heavy point nonetheless.

Maybe living for other people is just as selfish as dying for yourself. After all, every thing we do is to be remembered. To be loved, and appreciated. Maybe it doesnt have to feel like a burden. Maybe believing in yourself means some thing else besides really wanting some thing.

Maybe I can believe in the me that can do things. Just as much as i belive in the me that wants to ends things. Maybe I can believe myself when I say "I'll come back here" when I'm sitting in the sun, enjoying the breeze like it's the first time I've ever seen it. Maybe I should hold on to that moment of clarity as much as I hold on to the turbulant and paralyzing feeling of anxiety and depression.

I'm in here somewhere. And if I'm willing to jump off a bridge, then maybe before that I should give inflating my own ego a chance. See what the other guy does when hes at the wheel.

Maybe what I'll do with my last day here is live it like any other day. Like any other person does. By not knowing when it is, but knowing it's not gonna be today.