#itll die someday

[bonkbunn]

Are we so back or so over chat?

[chickensauras]

Bits from ch9 of Neverending story aka one of my favorite chapters

[thespongebobsquarepantsmovie]

man i miss my cartoon that i can only watch in my brain

[phagodyke]

nevermind man

[stillfacingthesky]

being trans is such a mindfuck. nobody knows who i am. i dont need to come out, im fine as i am. i hide behind my clothes. i dont recognise myself in the mirror. i dont know if i ever will. i want to transition. im scared of change. i want to be seen and known. i am in danger. queer joy is beautiful. i am more open than a queer person used to be able to be. someone like me was murdered yesterday. i saw their face on the news, and the reporter used the wrong name. wearing mens’ clothes brings me joy, and the joy is reminiscent of a little girl. i want to be pretty. my skin doesnt fit and my voice is not mine. im scared i might love my father more. i dont need to come out, i can manage this all. im going to die someday anyway, it wont matter. a kid was staring at me in the bookstore today and i saw my past in their eyes. i wonder if they saw their future in mine. i want to be someones boyfriend. i am my brothers sister. all bodies are beautiful except mine. god created grapes but not wine and wheat but not bread. god hates fags. there is something wrong with me. if i ignore it, itll go away. its not going away. it hasnt gone away in seven years. i dont want to be a stereotype. i love brash vulgarity. my mother thinks i am beautiful. i share her face. i know ill regret it if i never come out. i dont want to waste my life wearing a costume. i dont know if i want to sacrifice the life that ive had for the life i could have. someone out there understands me. someone else would kill me without regret. someone would cry if i was gone. someone would praise my killer as a hero. there are photos and illustrations of people like me in the past. our history has been erased. theyre still trying to erase us. i dont know if the present is worth the future. i want to be happy. i dont feel like i deserve it. ‘female’ leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. ‘woman’ makes me see stars. i am one but not the other. i am the ghost of the person i want to be. i encourage others and love them regardless. i am a hypocrite. ive been in hiding since i was thirteen. i want to be loud. my mother spent nine months creating me. i will spend the rest of my life creating myself. i am scared. i am angry. i am beautiful and sickening and i want to rip my skin apart to make space for something new. my rage is glorious. they will never understand. i do not need them to. i am so lonely. i am an artist and i want to be a masterpiece. they call my creation mutilation. i dont want to make my parents sad. i want my brother to like me. i am visibly queer. that man shouted at me to smile because he was treating me like a woman. what i have right now is enough. i want more. i don’t know if ill ever have it. if i die tomorrow, i will be buried in a dress. it will be a dress that is already in my closet, a pretty dress that i havent worn in years.

[a-minke-whales-tale]

Night Terrors

I used to have night terrors very often. It seems I still do have them, though I do not remember them as much lately, maybe once a week. Still a few times a week I wake up to messages Ive written to friends, though they are garbled, almost always seeming to beg to be released and returned to the water.

Someday I will return to the water, or die trying. But I wonder how those first nights back in the water will be. That I did finally make it, I am back in the water and knowing I am finally home. I wonder how itll be to look through the glass of my tank for the first time out into the park beyond, how itll be to look up at the waters surface above me, the light shimmering across the underside.

I wonder how that first night will be, when I leap up onto the mat in the water that holds my blowholes higher. Will I continue to have the terrors? Will they fade in time as I can process everything done to me and can heal? How will the terrors be that first night in the water? I can only imagine the emotions of that day will be overwhelming.

[pissfizz]

someday we will go to cons together and have tea parties and hug each other and hold hands im coming to visit you or die trying

YES YES YES WE WILL DO ALL THOSE THINGS AND MORE AND ITLL BE SO FUN AND LOVELY AND WE WILL HAVE FUN FOREVER!!!

[drakey-wakey]

streetlight patch idea ramblings under the cut bc this got long

i have an idea cooking in my brain for a somewhere in the between back patch that i think would be fucking wicked

unfortunately all my fav streetlight lyrics are SOOOOO LONG i worry it would make for an awkward patch like. most lyric patches i see have like 2 line lyrics and im out here like i cant cut any lines off these lyrics or it wouldn't HIT THE SAME !!!

like fr all my cool streetlight patch ideas are so long im worried itll be awkward or not look right with all the words but like !!!!!!! i need them. the quotes

i wanna do the sitb chorus

"so you were born, and that was a good day,

someday you will die and that is a shame

but somewhere in the between,

you lived a life of which we all dream

and nothing and no-one will ever take that away"

im thinking that with like a baby deer corpse with mushrooms growing out of it would be neat or something like that bc i am a mushroom freak

the other one i rly wanna do is a the hands that thieve chorus quote

"I dont care if i lose, because my heros did too,

they shouted court should be adjourned because the jury are fools

and the judge can't decipher

his left from his right

or his right from his wrong"

like MAN what a baller quote that would be for a back patch

anyways lmk if anyone has suggestions or input on this hehe

[dakrapatops]

hi karat love, do you have any music recommendations?????

OK OK

soft/round/quiet/peaceful -like vibes:

start of time - gabrielle aplin

stolen dance - milky chance

saturday sun - vance joy

vienna - billy joel

too much love will kill you - queen (TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILL YOU ITLL MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIEEEEE TORN BETWEEN THE LOVER AND THE LOVE YOULL LEAVE BEHINDDDD)

tiny dancer - elton john

who we are -hozier

walk the wire - boy and bear

it's a hard life - queen

supercut - lorde

pigeons - yxngxr1

hollywood forever cemetery sings - father john misty (thank you cal)

the miracle - queen

almost - hozier (I LOVE HOW ALL THE SOUNDS AT ONCE AND YOU GET TO DISSECT IT ALL)

wagon wheel - spn cast

persephone - tamino

only the good die young - queen

mother love - queen (THE LAST SONG THEY RECORDED WITH FREDDIE BEFORE HE DIED AND HE DIDNT EVEN FINISH RECORDING THE VOCALS!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!)

sharper/spiky/irregular dodecahedron -like vibes:

moment's silence - hozier (WOOP WOOP!!!!)

jakcboot jump - hozier

southern nights - glen campbell

sounds of then - ganggajang

dear god - confetti

hoops - the rubens

bones - alexandra savior

lakeshore drive - aliotta haynes jeremiah

any song by måneskin ever

come on eileen - dexys midnight runners (i love it forever)

lazing on a sunday afternoon - queen (shes so fun i love her)

any song by bowie ever

the terrors - psychedelic porn crumpets

someday we'll know - new radicals

cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other - willie nelson (so gender)

[drpeppertummy]

Pls never shut up about sunny share your rambles pls, he's a treasure I wanna eat some good food with him and just be friends ;;;

auauiuoou thankyou my bestest little guy,,,,,,,more random entirely-non-kink-related thoughts haphazardly cobbled together from discord messages (someday i will dig up some actual tummy-themed ones)

sometimes he watches a video on his phone without realizing his volumes up & scares himself. usually only happens at home or at his friends houses & if someones around to witness it theyre like Bro What The Fuck til they realize hes like dropping his phone trying to turn it off. hrs so embarrassed too hes like Im Not An Ipad Baby Im Not!!! hes like Im Not A Tiktok Baby!!!!!!!!! bc u KNOW lauries makin fun of him for it. shes like You Ipad Baby. You Tiktok Baby. I Bet You Watch Cocomelon Fortnite Compilations Loud As Hell At Applebees.

he loves sending his friends emails with URGENT!!!!!!!!!!! as the subject & itll just be some stupid shit but i think sometimes he'll do that & the email will just say "hi" . sometimes he'll do it when hes sitting like 10 feet from somebody & if they happen to be the kind of person who has notifications on & checks their emails right away theyll read it & he'll be sittin there like : - )

sometimes laurie will just pick sunny up & either shake him or squeeze him real hard or somethin of that nature & hes just fine with it. hes very light & malleable like aluminum foil

he Loves singin in the kitchen and the shower and the car and wherever etc. he sings preddy good which is a good thing bc he is Not shy about it hes putting his whole pussy into it doesnt matter if hes got the whole crew hangin around. i was pondering What sunnys singing voice sounds like bc his vocal range is Nuts & he can go high And low & i was thinking maybe he has kind of a billy joel vibe but not Quite. bc his natural speaking voice is a little on the higher side & billy joel is a smidge lower than how i imagine his natural singing voice sounding. i was like "hes somewhere between billy joel & frankie valli" & then i was like Wait Thats Just Uptown Girl. like he Can sing lower & higher if he wants to but thats like his Most Natural Singing Voice is somewhere around there. the higher end of the billy joel range

laurie loves stuffed animals i just Know sunnys trying to win her some big shitty bear at some shitty carnival game

he tries 2 be good with boundaries even tho theres def times when he freaks it. sometimes he overcompensates trying to make up for minor infractions. he likes being on good terms with people. hes one of those people whos like I Need Everyone To Like Me Or Else Ill Die. [but also he genuinely cares its not All him being self centered]. hes ascared of Being In Trouble and Being Bad [which could mean anything from making someone mildly displeased for a moment or completely & totally fucking up an entire relationship] #rsd. but then like he also cant help just totally bein a nuisance 100% of the time

tbh . i think Big Hug is his response to a lot of things. Hes A Hugger

he struggles with analog clocks he'll be trying to read one & hes like ✋Everyone Shut Up Im Focusing😤. i think left & right takes him a second too. sorry i love projecting

i think sunny says Go Piss Girl when laurie gets up to go to the bathroom & she smacks him in the head

any time hes trying to do something hes like running around in circles he always gets mixed up about what he needs to do first and what he needs to do next and where he needs to be headed and what hes supposed to be getting and hes just all over the place & hes straight up just spinning around trying to think. it takes him SO long to get started on something. once he gets going its fine as long as its a familiar task but it doesnt take much to break his focus. its like that sometimes when hes talking too. he gets sidetracked So easily sometimes it takes him like 10 tries to get a thought out before he finally manages to say what he wanted to say bc his brain keeps going on tangents & he starts rambling about other shit

he was the chattiest most outgoing little kid he would be like sittin with his mom at the dmv chattin up random nearby people he would be that kid at school who keeps sucking the sub into a conversation he wasnt shy around strangers At All but if he saw someone in like some big weird costume all of a sudden hes hiding behind moms leg. easter bunny? fuck no. mall santa? fuck no. smokey visits his school? fuck no. halloween? Good God What Is Going On Out There

ADDICTION TW - hes def the type whos gonna get addicted to something when he makes it big. & like he'll get off it before it kills him but theres no WAY hes making it through stardom without getting hooked on Somethin for a while. & he manages to hide it for a while but as soon as someone he cares about finds out he just starts Sobbing hes so ashamed. which is probably a turning point. getting out of it would probably also give him the push he needs to get actual mental health help

he may be wildly insecure about every last aspect of his personality but at least he has no doubt that hes cute. its like hes somehow never absorbed anything bad anyones ever said about short guys or big noses or hairy backs or what have you. He Knows Hes Cute its a simple fact of life

he tends to be interested in women more than men & i wonder if part of that is bc he feels less comfortable with his attraction to men bc hes been shamed for it. like he'll hook up with guys if they initiate it & he'll talk about Cute Guys but he doesnt tend to Seek Out those relations the way he does with The Ladies. part of it is simply that He Loves The Ladies but i think part of it is hes never allowed himself to fully embrace his bisexuality

sunnys the kinda guy to take a giant bite of somethin he Just took outta the oven & be like 🫢 Ih Hot ! hes like 🫢🫢🫢🫢H & lauries like Wow I Wonder How That Happened .

[jodiebastard]

jodie you should play ai the somnium files its really cool and homosexual you should play it joe die!!!!!

i actually played up to that minecraft chapter and got sick of the gameplay loop 💔 im sorry to disappoint, i shelved the game i lost interest and resumed other games instead

maybe itll get picked back up someday soon though

[essencepotion]

messy whining ugh

theres so many fuckin things wrong with me anytime im ready to get in the shower and i look at my body in the mirror i feel like vomiting. i wish i could choose how i looked because ive thought so many times about killing myself just so the next "me" has a better body. my stomach goes out further than my chest, my chest dips in a little, im so thin and weak that im somehow under 100 lbs, ass posture (with a minor concern of mild scoliosis but im not telling anyone that) i wanna kill myself

please someone just be nice to me and be actual friends with me maybe itll save me from the pit im in.... ignore my body and face and voice and focus on the personality its also ass but its better than every other part of me

also i keep hearing people say "oh ur only 16 stop worrying ur fine it gets better this is normal" but what if i think abt suicide every day and how stupid i must look and be, what are YOU gonna whine about then

i really hope i die someday but the thought of dying before my parents hurts (even though i do not want to see them die or hurt or anything ever either i love my mom and dad)

(im also a bit worried about prices rising bc we live off of my dad (for right now) and if either of them gets hurt and we cant afford it ill shoot myself)

[wubwubnparmaham]

hadrian loved ofc loved alexander alottt but he had people he loved to help him cope and he also didnt kill alexander with his own hands so im curious as to who was more affected/taken aback when they found out alexander came back? auron or hadrian? (ps i would love you forever if u wrote oneshots on these itll be so interestinf to compare both povs! <3)

Auron was far more shocked to see him, point blank period. Harry felt blessed by the gods, but Auron was just like....dude you were DEAD. Harry knew that too obviously but he was always just a little bit more delulu that he'd see him again someday, somehow, even if he had to die to do it. Auron was positive he'd never see him again no matter what happened. Thus, he was a bit more surprised. And there was no lead up for Auron at all. Louis had been Alexing in front of Harry a lot, easing him into the concept, but Auron was just BAM, right in front of him in a bathroom, no warning whatsoever.

The thing with showing those povs is I do kind of jump into Harry's head a lot in the first book and you get to see sort of hows he's contemplating everything. If you mean in the music room the second Louis is physically SEEN for the first time, I could show that. And I could show Auron's POV in the bathroom as well; they would both be pretty short as those are short scenes but if you really want it, I can do :)

[effyoudumbler]

notes from when I was going insane 4.07

Giving someone a chance

…

Theyll blow it

Itll whiff

Odds are 0 percent, negative 0 percent

So

So what

Well

Its a waste of time

No it isnt

No IT ISNT

IT SHOULDNT HURT TO HOPE

A HUMAN IS PUT HERE TO WORSHIP

TO REPLICATE

TO HUNGER

TO BE HAPPY

TO DREAM

IT IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME

TO GIVE IT A CHANCE

EVEN IF ITS ZERO PERCENT LIKELY

…

…

Maybe if i buy lotto tickets and win

Ill believe in it more

IT SHOULD NOT HURT TO HOPE

THAT IS WHAT GOD IS

WHAT WE HUMANS ARE

[redacted]

THE GARDEN OF DREAMS

THE BRANCHES OF THE TREE OF LIFE

HOMO SAPIANS

WE ARE THE UNIVERSE SEEING ITSELF

A FORCE

WE ARE THE APEX PREDATOR

THE PINNACLE OF ALL OF CREATION IN THE LAST FOUR TRILLION YEARS

OUR PURPOSE IS TO HOPE

WITHOUT HOPE

A MAN IS BUT A BUG

A VEGETABLE

…

But I have no hopes

It hurts to hope

I am scared

I dont understand

I dont wanna commit to impossible and painful things

And feel bad and afraid

…

I say, screw hope

Fuck god

…

Humans are not made to do anything but worship

Worship hope and worship love

I lately worship hopelessness, and songs

I say screw hope and love

Dreams

Dashed against the rocks

…

…

Yeah

Yeah

God is a sham

God is dead and we kill him

There is no God

There is a God

Everywhere

Why not listen and love him

God is out to kill me

That is not love

God cannot kill you

For we are God

One does not die

But exist in many places at once

Is rebuilt and given new forms

One is reshapen

[redacted]

And someday surely will

[redacted]

But that is not killing me

But I dont want this body to be reshapen

It is good enough as it is

Let me stay in it

Or make it better

Not destroy it

Why change it

I dont want it to be destroyed

Hunted down and predated by the wilds

Whats even the point then

Ive already lost

Its got oo force behind it

I want at all cost

[redacted]

I dont want it to win in its cruel game

Ill kill me first even before it can kill me

…

The wilds betrayed me

It gave me no hope

[redacted]

Why go back

[redacted]

And receive its blessings

God is a sham

[redacted]

…

I wish God died or mever existed

Giving me a false hope

Something fake to protect

Id sooner give myself something fake

Than accept natures so called gifts

That are all trying to murder me

[redacted]

I dont want to let nature win

Perhaps that is natures very intention

To let God take the side saddle

Naw

God will always win

But in the short term

And life is quite short

[sneakysnoo]

i guess if puppys gonna genderpost puppys gonna genderpost hehe 😖💦

idk i mean im fluid in that it feels like its always vibrating and never still, and i didnt used to think i swung between masc/femme but now ive been out long enough to see that sometimes one or the other comes and goes, on top of the usual mix of non femme non masc feelings. ok slightly masc? still havent figured out if thats actually masc leaning or if maybe itll change someday when ive put some more distance between myself and my agab… weirder stuff has happened heh

but when it comes to how im seen i just need everyone to know that im a guy who also no he is not, and also that i am a goofy silly companion who aspires to have game show host vibes in the philosophical way

how does one have game show host vibes in the philosophical way?? i mean. a show is an experience, and the host takes you through it while also making it fun and entertaining. life is also an experience and i think if you do not try to have fun along the way you die a long time before your body dies lol. but not a lot of people think about this, because its so easy to get swept out of the moment and into lifes insanity. this is why we are in desperate need of these silly little guys called hosts. i think i also like the irreverence and the sheer balls to the wall insanity attracts me. akira kogami, garfield the cat, max headroom, mister rogers, bob ross, pat sajack. and of course. kermit dee frog, all of these bold individuals did the job thats a lil bit of everything, that at the end of the day is also one with and facilitates the show. they are the glue that keeps a timeslot that would just be a pile of skits from falling flat on its ass. they shepherd the present moment so that things can be Seen. They tell the audience, welcome! everything is ok. this is where you are, and this is whats coming up. now look. listen. to host is to take a walk with someone, and to keep them company for a little while. which is what so so much art is really about at the end of the day.

there is significant overlap here with the more evil counterpart of the game show host, the used car salesman. both the host and the salesman project the confidence of those who have seen beyond the firmament. they have Figured It Out. a good shepherd must instill calmness in the flock. but unlike the game show host which is a capitalistically originated entity but still with a little breath of soul, of art, the salesman has seen through to the simple, ugly truth, and he is not interested in distractions or happiness like art. the salesman sees that the only one who can possibly succeed in this system must be hollow, and hollow he becomes. but still the truth shines in him, shines out from his desperate hungry eyes like light through cathedral windows. hes happy. as happy as he can be. hes “successful.” as successful as he can be. he can imitate, but he can never quite truly be a good host, because being a good host requires some amount of care for your audience. the audience will, if theyre lucky, sense this deep dissonance in him and trust themselves instead of his words.

idk why all that got mixed in with my gender brain wires crosses who knows lmao 😜

[yamsgarden]

You have a family now

You can’t just leave T3T

Edit: Just added a few more flowers and adjusted other things T3T