#maybe someday itll be real but before then i have to work on getting out of here and wanting to die less

[thespongebobsquarepantsmovie]

man i miss my cartoon that i can only watch in my brain

[phagodyke]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[cyanlastride]

hey.

memory is a fucked up thing.

doesnt make any goddamn sense.

time

i worked yesterday for longer than i will be awake today

none of this makes any goddamn sense

its why i like stories. worlds with stories and coffee. we make them make sense.

more sense than this

the real world

i dont believe in it

not in a conspiracy or brain in jar way

but like

what makes this real

what defines real

our worlds are drastically different. we may never have an exactly similar experience, and even if we did we wouldnt know it.

how can you even say our worlds are one thing, much less say that that one thing is real

real doesnt mean a goddamn thing

fuck real.

it inhibits people. its the great gatekeeper, to every action. if it starts as a thought, and wants to change our world, it must first pass the check of real. a realistic goal. make it a reality. thats unreal. bullshit, all of it. telling people what they cant do before they try. whats the harm in trying? sometimes, very bad. however, most of the time, for most people, youll actually be rewarded for trying and failing!!

dreams. the opposite of real. thoughts, ideas. they are so incredibly powerful. so much energy goes into ripping dreams out of people. cultural, historical energy. you cant do that, its just not realistic. no! you can try! and you wont succeed, but taking the first couple steps will be a reward unto itself!

and it happens young. so young. youre taught about the real world, and how things really work, and nobody stops to explain, really hammer home, that all this shit was made by idiots dumber than you, and only half of it was intentional. youre told that dreams are nice, and important, and maybe someday youll achieve them! and they dangle it from a rope thats a lifetime away, and say how great itll be once you get there. religion. retirement. fuck all of it. its all fucking stupid. you dont achieve dreams. you dream them, and then they exist. you can dream something right now. do it. wow, isnt that cool? dream of another thing. its fun! and you may stop, and think, wait, is this real? its not, is it? im wasting my time. and heres the trick to telling if something is real: does it make you feel something? yes? then who the fuck cares!!!

dream now. dream of the life you want, now. dream of feeling the way you wanna feel, now. its that fucking simple. if you can do that, if you can make the thing you want to exist exist for yourself, then who the fuck cares about the rest of the idiots. but, if you insist on caring about the other idiots, heres the great part: making it exist for yourself is the first step for making it exist for them.

depending on the dream, it might actually be the only one you need to take.

[goremet-chef]

i like the idea of jupe, cicero and monty finding some kinda home with eachother

cuz like. hi i have a family and i dont like them. for good reason too, its always some shit. house is violent house is angry house is hateful, theres never any TRUE love here. just obligation and thats not real, everyone knows it

i had given jupe a family at first but im taking it away because it makes me uncomfortable to think about a family that has more love than mine, which is a pretty low bar

but i can replace it with them

cicero has the same upbringing that i did cuz hes just a self insert except he was able to escape it and jupe has done pretty much the same thing, probably coming from a similar place too. monty was dejected by his family for being queer and then got divorced so yknow how it is. they all come from shitty places and i like the idea of them putting that behind themselves and finding peace with each other, as a team that has worked through all this crazy shit before. i just feel like theres a strong bond between them after everything said and done that fills a void that their families couldnt.

i wouldnt consider it like found family but they are a tight knit group cuz after goin thru all that shit on the island like. you cant talk to a therapist i imagine cuz thats some classified information that you have lived through so all they got is each other, who could sympathize better than someone who was actually there? it makes me happy

my biggest dream for years has been moving in with my friends and finally just getting to be myself, and nowadays that seems like itll just stay a dream but im hopeful that maybe someday ill get out and i can live like how i want. housing prices in cali are fucking ridiculous so its honestly no surprise we havent done it sooner, living together with family is just more convenient cost wise but. ill keep dreaming of it till it becomes real, and ill live it through them because i can

[jockedguy]

I wasnt always a Grunt. I never imagined I would be, I dont know how you can ever see somethin like that coming. I wish I had seen it earlier, because of how happy I am now.

All I have tosay is that I am in a crew, I have a Boss and I have a Chief. They give me orders and I do them because thats what Grunts do. Grunts are Crew Property.

Im what most people would call a Redneck. Even though I live in the city, my Boss and my Chief want me to be a sertain way. Its not good for me to make choices, because I always fuck it up. Its way easier to do what Im told.

Its been a slow process but in the last few months Its been goin faster. Now I wear a lot more leather and we branewash every night, wich is important to me because branewashin is good for me. Theres times when I kinda fall back into who I used to be, because I lived it for so long, but Chief and Boss always remind me that aint who I am anymore. People change, its not so wierd that Im who I am now. Its kinda always who I’ve been anyway underneath. Bossn Chief just help bring it out.

I never relax as good as when Im branewashin. I love hearin the leather creakin n shit when Boss puts me in the chanes and the coller. I love gettin a lil tripped out when the spirals come on the big screan. And all the pics, some of em even look like me. Or I look like them or somethin. Ether way, Its good for me.

Ive always liked dogs, but Im not sure why. Maybe cuz I just never liked cats, cuz they were kinda stupid and smelled bad. A good dog is a good frend, he always hangs out with you and licks your face and rolls around and is a good time. Thats what Im kinda like to my Boss n Chief as a Grunt, cuz Grunts is crew property. Im loyal as fuck and Ill fuck anyone up who trys to fuck with Boss or Chief. Like a dog too. I got a big ass wolf tatted on my arm an hes howlin, it looks badass. I got it cuz Boss told me to get it. Boss knows best.

Someday Boss tells me we wont be in the city anymore, itll be on big land probably in the South and ill work the land. Boss sez its okay that Im more like his employee. He marryed me because its the best way to own me. Theres even a contract that makes me like legaly owned by Boss n Chief. I signed it but I dont remember much about it cuz the words were really fuckin big and I got bored plus Chief said just sign it Grunt so i signed it Grunt and he wacked me on the head and said now he had to make a new one becuz I had to sign my REAL name but i forgot i had one.

Oh yea its Critter, I said when I remembered.

Boss and Chief laughed alot, then Boss took out my wallet from my pants and showed me my drivers ID and it said TUCKER JOHN PRICE.

So thats the name Im suposed to sign on the thing, Chief sez, and I think I get it, but now we gotta wait til he gets a new contract made up.

This is why I gotta dont think for myself, because like Boss n Chief say, its bad for me. I dont think, Boss n Chief think for me.

Slowly the way I think is changeing too. Every once in awhile Ill get a good brite flash of the way Im should be thinkin, slow n simple. Sometimes Ill realize that I wasnt even thinkin at all for a long time, jus kinda zonin out. Sometimes I wake up and Im all in leather and Im watchin the pics go by, all the spirals n shit. Sometimes Ieven think I see myself in those pics, but its goes by so fast that I cant tell.

Sometimes I dream Im in the yard, Im in the future, I feel the sun beatin down on my back and I see I got a shovel in my hand, Im doin some yardwork. I know my trailer aint too far away, and I know I got a shit ton of Coors Lite in the mini frige out there. Theres a piece of wood with the words CRITTERS PLACE painted on it that I did, hangin over the door. The Big House is behind me, and the Branewashin Room is downstairs, with the big screans and the chair with all the yellow straps and chanes. I can still taste the powedery pill that Boss gave me to eat before I sat down in it and can still feel the leather hood that he put over my face on my face now.

Soon we are goin to the South to see Chief. Chief sees me evry day tho, becauze they put a camera in my room. Crew Property gets wached by the higherups. I gotta do good cuz they allways wachin. Chief sez that when I get there Im gonna get more ink. Boss been sayin that he wants me to get a noes ring. That Im a Tattooed Low Life Leather Lovin Freak Dirty Fuckin Redneck, and I should act like it more, act like it better. He sez that if I dont shape up, Im gonna be wearin that muzzle alot more.

Sumtimes it feels a lil wierd, but I gotta remember that im a Grunt, im Crew Property. Even if I feel like maybe once bfore I was Smart or sumthin, even then I wasnt as Smart as Boss n Chief. Definly not now. Im such a good grunt that I even feel like I need to be punnished allot becuz of how often I let myself think im Smart like Boss n Chief. Cant see that on the camra so I gotta say it out loud.

Chief sez my believes will change eventualy. He sez Ive come so far. Boss sez Im a new person. I just know im Grunt, im Crew Property. I dont make choses cuz it hurts my brane. Thats why I need branewashin so that my brane can stop hurtin cuz I gotta think durin the day. I beleve what Chief sez and what Boss sez becuz they havent ben rong yet. Im sure Ill change evn more to what they want becuz Im a Grunt and Im Crew Property, and soon itll be on a contract as soon as I dont fuck it up on the paper.

[alexandria-morrowgrove]

Life

“Life is...shitty.” Alexandria sat in the grass, staring at nothing in particular. “Life finds a million ways t’ make me loath it. But nevah you lot. Nevah.” As she spoke she reached out to pet what appeared to be nothing. Her golden gaze glowing ever so slightly to truly see what lay in the woods.

Before her sat the great feline she often took the shape of. A mountain lion. It stalked prey as often as she went on the hunt for those that had harmed life in Stormwind. “My old friends. Y’ came with me t’ seek refuge. Someday I’ll be able t’ spread th’ word. How wondahful and carin’ y’ all are. Maybe I’ll write a book. Maybe.” She kept idly stroking the felines neck, leaning into the spirit though to the naked eye she was leaning into nothing.

“Wot must I do t’ find peace? T’ find love? Wot does it take old friend?” She asked slowly, peering downward at the feline. It glanced back. “Peace dear child is never attainable for the predator. For one must always cause chaos in ending a life. One must always feed. However, a predator may find balance in the great circle of life. You must find your balance child. So long as you do not focus on yourself to mend from within you will never find what you seek.” The feline rolled to its side. Now the pair laid out on the grass together.

“Why can’t people be more like nature?” Alex chuckled a bit. The spirit peered at her. “The people are like us. They just have better weapons and hatreds. They feel emotions more intensely at times then I would. They can and do seem to act on it more readily here too. It makes me miss Gilneas and the mountains. So many cubs run amuck here. Too many cubs. The war has taken the adults from your new home Alexandria.” The spirit shook its head a bit.

“The city is not safe. So long as your hunt remains true to protecting the wilds you will sustain my boon. For your hunt is the right one. I would not have it any other way. Do not lose your path though little one. Your rage and sadness blind you to what is around you. You will find what you seek in life. Give the cubs home to grow up and someday the right one will emerge. When they finally mature.” The spirit chimed cheerfully.

“If they evah mature. Some of th’ people far oldah then me act far youngah. Is it so wrong t’ want a mate in life? T’ want someone t’ go home t’? I just want...sanity. A normal thing t’ go home t’. It’s no’...it’s no’ gonna happen while ‘m here will it?” Alex asked, staring at the feline.

The felines tail flicked. “It is a desire we all yearn for. Continue to fight for it while you seek your balance. Find the mate to share your den with and someday all will work well. That is my belief. You’ve been good to mature. Someday it will return the favor. Like the trees it can take time. A lot of time. For you are still a cub yourself in this world. By the time you die you’ll barely have lived beyond being a cub. I will mourn you then. As I mourn all of my cubs.” The spirit admitted freely, nodding its head to her.

She frowned a bit. “I hate feelin’ alone. I hate th’ dark when it creeps up...th’ nightmares. Life haunts me. Old friend. Th’ spirits are my only comfort left. I dare no’ force who I command t’ deal with this.” The spirit tilted its head. “Why do you not let your underlings hear this?”

“Wot would they think of me? Weak? Useless? They’d see a flawed witch with no where t’ go. Nothin’ left in life. They’d see a useless husk of wot could’ve been and how I am now.” The spirit let the upper lip curl back to a snarl. “Alexandria. You and I both know you are no husk of a human. The lives you’ve saved and the work you’ve done make you invaluable to many. You have purpose, you have a path. Though it is curvy and unclear you will find the end of the road. If you let your thoughts cloud you like this forever the path will always remain windy. Find help amongst your peers. For speaking to the dead will do you no good right now.”

With that the feline faded, Alexandria dropped to the ground. She’d look around and stared wildly at her surroundings. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She sat up, curling her legs up as tightly pressed to her chest as she could. The glow gone from her golden gaze. “I can’t...I can’t. They’d think so little of me or they knew how I felt.”

She’d sniffle, staring at a pond next to her. She saw herself, she saw how broken she looked. “I can’t. I can’t do this t’ them. ‘M sorry old friend. Tha’ isn’t Th’ path I can take right now. Let it be curvy...I’ll face th’ dark alone again if I must. Wot I want can’t be obtained. No’ here. Love ain’t real in Stormwind. It’s just a joke t’ go alongside all th’ torture and crime. I’ll just get used or left again. It ain’t real. Itll never be real.” By then she felt the tears welling up in her eyes, threatening to overflow on to her cheeks.

“It’ll nevah be real so long as I live. For who could possibly love me? There’s nothin’. No one. They’ll all end up shootin’ me instead. Call tha’ love too.” The witch fell to silence, sobbing as she looked away from the pond. She wouldn’t dare face staring at the broken reflection of herself. She couldn’t. It’s not the life she wanted. It’s the life that was given. She saw no positive future in this path. No peaceful end. No balance.

(Thanks for reading! Hope it is enjoyable to read. <3 )

[chroniclecollective]

thirty days of did asks - day two

Day Two: Who knows about your system? Who do you want to know? What do you feel like it’s like coming out as multiple?

currently, only my therapist, girlfriend, one of our alters' exes, and their old teacher knows were multiple. one of our previous therapists knows too, but i havent spoken to her at all since we left the program i was in as her patient. back in mid 2016 before junior year ended.

ill be honest here. in the beginning of the sessions with our current therapist (so this would be around mid-late 2016, i was the sole host and only fronter, everyone else had gone dormant after an event), i told him that i had "thought" i had did/osdd but i havent heard anything from the other alters since so like. i faked it ig nd he just went ok and we worked on my dysphoria and getting a name change for the body, working on getting a job. having help with college and starting testosterone (the main goal originally of therapy but it branched off from there bc i knew smth wasnt right) and then working thru not being on it anymore. he didnt care that i brought it up, he acknowledged it and moved on but definitely wrote it down in a document. and now he knows a little more about it which is good.

telling my gf was easy bc she has it too!! and weve been together since before i was in denial, so she knew about it too! and weve been together for two and a half years now so like. i trust her and she trusts me. her alters and mine interact constantly as well anyways so like everything is good there.

i told dyes ex about being multiple and he kinda gets it now, especially all the rapid changes that happened in middle and high school for the body. he knew us as the birthname we shared, but more specifically he knew and was rlly close with dye when she was fronting . but now he knows me as Lee (or tye but thats more of an irl thing), and i really appreciate that were

friends bc i have gotten to know him as such since i began fronting and its awesome. in addition to this, i told dyes old teacher from freshman year about us being multiple too; and he understood a lot about it and was really kind about it. he was the one that aided us into going to the hospital to get some serious help after a lot of emotional situations. we were bedridden and wouldnt go to school and were not in a good headspace. thankfully it helped but then there was a second hospitalization. and then a final third one and thats when i began hosting alone for like...2 years? yeah but this teacher helped us a lot and was a total friend to me during high school. i owe him a lot of my confidence and encouragment bc he gave that to me a lot

coming out as multiple is scary as fuck, even with people youve already known previously. a lot of ppl online know im multiple rn thru this blog, but i think thats ok bc if im able to open up about it someday in real life, people will understand and not be as shocked yknow? but yeah...and im not sure who i want to tell. i dont know if ill ever tell the momther? maybe tell dad, cause itll be kinda complex to explain but at least hell understand better....maybe tell our brother and sister someday. maybe our cousins in private. when i adopt kids with my girlfriend, well tell our kids when the time is right. it all depends on who im comfortable knowing about it

- lee

[tumblunni]

Bellsprout...

It.. So fragile...

Thos feets, so little! Its so thin! Its a literal lil noodle! It sways in the wind so much when it walks, its feet dont even move like feet but more like leeches which are my Favourite Worm for how dumb their mannerisms are. Seriously they go up and balance on their tail and periscope around and then they streeeetch and somersault to reach stuff! Theyre like actual living slinkies except they go up the stairs too! Bellsprout's rooty weirdness has that same kind of animation in its walk cycle, but the bizarre speculative idea of a monster made of like four worms all tied to another worm for a torso?? Its just so goofy how itll streeeeetch out the one wiggle foot and periscope it around too even tho it doesnt have eyes so its more like i guess its just very uncertain balancing on its squiggles and uses the roots on the end to detect whether the ground is stable? But then after the slow step of introspection before walking its just like PITCH FORWARD AND BECOME A BICYCLE! rapid flailing legs maximum speed like that basilisk lizard that runs on water! Its like its scared itll pitch forward if it ever stops? And then it does a little balance wiggle at the end and its just so cuuuuuute!

And AAAA its other animations when its not walking too! Its SO FRAGILE!! i want to protect you my baby!! It wiggles in such a cute battle dance cos it struggles to stand upright aaaa! Its head is so big and like all of its organs are in there NO WONDER its so wiggly flop! And its feets and hands are just so weak but it tries so hard!! It must be like a tiny bug landing on your hand or someone thwapping you with a singular taglitelle. And the leafs are even cuter cos theyre animated so..damn.. FRAGILE! everything is so soft in this art style aaaagh its killing me!! "I'm a powerful monster" nooo you are made of hugs and sunshine with the very barest shreds of physical form. But aaaa bellsprout is trying so hard it has so much personality like i wanna support it in being strong and scary and tell it someday it really does become badass and also able to fly for no easily explained reason! But THE LEAFS! OKAY THE LEAFS!! They're so much flatter and thinner than i expected? Like theyre just super generic primary coloured children's show doodles of leafs and the anime never really drew them with a good sense of 3D movement and width and stuff. I dunno if the models in sun and moon really showed a similar thing cos i never used a bellsprout? But i know this art style is just suuuuch a pretty fusion of the realistic shading in Go and the cartoon aesthetic of the main games that i'll wanna catch every pokemon for the first time ever! ITS LEAFS ARE LIKE TISSUE PAPER THIN SOMEONE PROTECT THIS CHILD!!! aaa and the wiggle animation is so cute cos they bend at angles in a sort of S-pattern like waving a fan in fancy style? Or i guess like how you might imagine wings to work if they only had one feather. Bellsprout is such an interesting well executed speculative biology idea and i never even realized before!!

And of course its BIG DOPEY FACE!! seriously its so cute how just adding two dots to a pitcher plant instantly makes it an awkward cute version of a horse head. THEY SOMEHIW MADE A NON SCARY SEVERED HORSE HEAD ON A STRING. I CAN NEVER UNSEE THIS NOW!! And then it has a mouth on the end of the nose and again this sounds terrifying when i put it in words but in actuality its FUCKIN AMAZING GOOFBALL SNOOTBEAN!! Just.. Lil dot eyes and really long face and then a big goofy happy smile at the end and aaaawwwwwww bebby

Oh man now im remembering why i didnt like bellsprout as a kid! I think it was entirely cos its evolutions changed to being just the head and then not having a mouth anymore even. And the grumpy badass eyes instead of bean! Tho as an adult i can appreciate that it must have taken a lot of effort to find a way to badassify such a goofy concept! And i feel proyd of bellsprout growing up to be the apex predator of the jungle who eats tigers n stuff. U go bebby u achieve u dream!! But still the wiggly noodle feets were SO CUTE and the bean eyes were SO CUTE and its a shame theyre the two things that go. Even if it does possibly make sense that the feets are so vestigal if its just a temporary stage before it learns how to fly. I mean birb feet are little? Tho they dont outright lose them when they grow up. Tho a birb that was just a limbless orb with a grumpy face like victreebell would actually be real cute! MAN IM GOING SO OFFTOPIC

Anyway in summary Let's Go has made me appreciate Bellsprout more and i am no longer sad that i cant get oddish in this version. Tho i still find it super cute in this art style TOO and i wish i could hug both the classic plant bebbys! Smoochie smorch u r my cat now and i will feed u all the snacks here is your scratching post and fluffy bed. OH YEAH THAT REMINDS ME did you guys see the drifloon that sleeps in a dog bed in sun and moon?? Its in ilima's house! I like to headcanon that maybe its the ghost of his mom's stoutland in the picture? Cos why would a family of normal type specialists have a drifloon? PRIME GAME THEORY YEAH! oh and the magnemite in a cat bed in one of the hotels i think?? Also Prime Bebby. Please consider all these good friends. And also imagine my super beloved bellsprout who shall be joining them soon! Seriously aaaa i went from neutral opinion on this pokemon to WHY CANT IT BE THE STARTER WHY CANT IT SIT ON MY HEAD within like FIVE SECONDS OF GAMEPLAY FOOTAGE

Godddd im so excited to see more footage of more mons so my heart can explode again and again! Im gonna straight up die from the power of these cuties!