#it's very painful I should rewatch it's been a while

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Every Fucking Time

Summary: You want to help Dean, but he knows you can't.

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Lots of angst! Smut! Unprotected PinV sex. Slightly rough sex. Dean being an asshole. Dean being a broken boy. Hurt/comfort.

Pairings: Dean x Reader (You)

Word Count: 2,737

A/N: So, I just rewatched 13x18, Bring 'Em Back Alive, and the scene at the end never fails to break my heart. I just wanna make Dean feel better! 😫 But it got me thinking about how unlikely Dean would be to accept that help, and how his anger might manifest. Anyway, this is what spilled out of my brain as a result.

A/N 2: The title is a reference to Dean's line, "Every time we get close, it all falls apart. Every frickin' time." I have changed it to the non-network TV version because we all KNOW that's actually what Dean said.

You just wanted to help. You needed to help. You needed to make it better for him. 

Dean had slipped back home through the rift barely an hour earlier, talking about the apocalypse world Charlie and how he'd left her and Ketch behind, promising he would come back with reinforcements.

Then you, Cas and Sam had given him the bad news; no one could go back, you couldn’t send reinforcements. Gabriel was gone, taking all his archangel grace with him.

“So if it’s gone, then that means that we can’t open that door again. If we can’t open the door, then I shoulda never come back!” He'd shouted.

He'd tried to tamp down the rage and anger that simmered just behind his forced calm. Nevertheless, it exploded out of him making you all jump.

“Son of a bitch!” He'd screamed, sending books and papers crashing to the ground as he swept them from the table. “Every time!”

You could feel his frustration and pain like it was your own as his voice dropped, defeated and broken for the millionth time. “Every time we get close, it always falls apart…every fuckin’ time.”

When he walked away, looking as though the weight of the world was once again on his shoulders, you’d tried to follow after him, but Sam had grabbed your arm gently, holding you back.

“Leave him for now, Y/N. He needs time.”

You should have listened to Sam, but you could feel Dean’s pain like a lance in your side and you were desperate to heal him. So less than an hour later, you went looking for him. But he wasn’t in his room, or the Dean cave. The kitchen was empty and so was the garage. 

You finally found him in the infirmary. He was sitting on one of the beds, sewing together a nasty looking bullet wound.

“Dean!” You called out worriedly as you rushed down the steps. He glanced up at you but then went back to stitching himself up. “Why didn’t you tell us you’d been shot?” You reprimanded him.

He shrugged his unwounded shoulder. “No big deal. Ketch patched me up on the go, just didn’t have time to sew it up properly.”

You watched him silently for a moment, wincing every time the needle pierced his inflamed skin. He’d taken his shirt off so he could tend to his wound, and you couldn’t help but take an inventory of his other numerous scars. Jagged knife cuts, more round bullet holes, and a few waxy looking old burns, all marred his otherwise perfect, lightly freckled torso.

Some of the scars were very faded, barely noticeable, while others were newer; some of them were still red and angry looking. They were a patchwork of pain - a tapestry of more than thirty-five years of hunting, fighting, falling, getting up, and fighting again. 

It made you exhausted just to see it; it made your bones ache.

You stepped a little closer to him, but he kept you at arm’s length with an aura of silent, repressed anger that you could practically see pulsing off of him.

You wanted to help him so badly.

“Dean, I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head, not looking up from his work. “No, let’s not. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

You let out a small sigh. Of course you don’t. You thought with a flash of frustration.

You were quiet another minute as he finished the last few stitches. Then you smiled a little, trying a different tactic. “So, there was a Charlie over there? That’s amazing. What was she like? Was she the same as our Charlie?”

Dean didn’t answer right away. He snipped the thread he was using and tossed the small silver scissors back into the first aid kit he had open on the bed beside him. He took some rubbing alcohol and poured it onto a gauze pad, holding it to his wound and sucking in a breath through gritted teeth before answering.

“Yeah sure, she was like our Charlie.” His voice was a growl of pain. “She was a badass, determined to fight injustice, sticking up for her friends, risking her life for them. And yeah, just like our Charlie, I left her on her own to be butchered.”

Tears pricked your eyes. “Dean that’s not true…you didn’t-”

“Seriously, Y/N. Just fucking don’t.”

You were silenced again, watching him clean up and toss the bloody bandages into the trash as he stood up from the bed. He reached for his flannel and tried to put it on, slightly hampered by his newly bandaged shoulder. You stepped forward to help him with it, and when it was on, but still unbuttoned, you slid your hands inside, down over his ribs.

You kissed his chest gently, and felt him twitch slightly. 

“Y/N.” He said quietly and you could hear the warning in his tone. 

You knew he was in a bad place, and the two of you had only recently begun to move your relationship out of friendship and into something more, so sex was still new between you. But you felt the overwhelming, screaming need to help him, to hold him close and let him feel your love shine through. You’d been in love with him for a long time, but you’d never told him. You suspected he didn’t love you back, though you hoped he might someday.

For now, though, you’d settle for being a soft place to land, if he’d just let you.

“Dean.” You said softly, kissing his chest again. “Let me help you.”

He pushed you back and turned away. “I don’t need help.”

You persisted, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind. “We all need help from time to time, Dean.”

“Y/N!” He said again, louder this time, his earlier anger resurfacing. “I told you, I’m fine. Just drop it.”

But you couldn’t. You wanted to help him, whether he accepted it or not.

You moved around him, so you stood in front of him again. “Dean, you’re not fine. I just wanna help you.”

Dean scoffed. “Well you can’t fucking help me, Y/N. You can’t make it better.”

“I could try.” You cupped his cheek, but he pulled it out of your grasp, turning his head. You stood on tiptoe to try and kiss him. “Let me try, Dean. Let me try to help you.”

Dean grabbed your wrists from around his neck, glaring down at you, eyes blazing. “You fucking can’t, do you not hear me? You can’t help me, no one can help me! Because all I do is fuck up; all I do is leave my friends and family to die. And fucking you isn’t gonna change that; unless you have some kind of magical cunt that can open portals to another dimension, you can’t fucking help me!”

You felt your stomach drop, and an immediate ache started, high in your gut, clenching your insides and making you feel short of breath. You stepped back from Dean and swallowed convulsively, trying not to let go of the tears that clogged your throat. But it was a losing battle and they were soon coursing down your cheeks.

You nodded slightly. “K, yeah.” You didn’t know what else to say, turning away just as remorse began dawning in Dean’s emerald eyes. “Sam was right…I shouldn’t have come.”

You took off, bounding up the stairs as Dean called out to you. You ignored him, desperate to get away before you collapsed completely. 

You heard Dean following you, chasing you down the bunker hallway and you sprinted away. You got to your room just in time to slam the door and lock it just as Dean skidded to a halt outside.

He banged on the door, but you just moved over to your desk, dropping into the chair and swiping at your tears over and over, unable to make them stop.

“Y/N, come on! Open the door. Look, I didn’t mean that, okay? I just...just let me in.” He banged again. When you wouldn’t open it, he just kept banging. Finally he yelled at you through the wood.  “You know, I can just break down the fucking door! Let me in!”

He slammed his hammer like fist against the door again, rattling it in its frame. You jumped up and ripped open the door just as he was about to start pounding again. So his fist was raised and his features were twisted in a snarl as you looked up at him. But you were calm, even though tears still leaked from your eyes.

“Enough.” You said quietly. “Look, I shouldn’t have kept bugging you, you made it very clear you didn’t want me there and that I couldn’t be of any help. So, it’s fine. I’ll leave you alone now, and you can please stop raging at me and trying to smash down my door.”

You swallowed tightly and then nodded at him. “Goodnight.”

You closed your door softly and walked back to slump onto the end of your bed. You dashed your tears away as quickly as they fell, trying to dash away Dean’s angry words too, but failing miserably. 

After nearly half an hour your tears finally dried up and you decided to get ready for bed, sadness and hurt making you slow and sluggish. As you pulled your big sleep shirt on over your head, however, a noise caught your attention just outside your door. 

You walked softly to the door in your bare feet, cracking it open an inch to look out into the hallway. What you saw made brand new tears cloud your vision.

Dean was sitting across from your door, his back against the wall. His knees were bent slightly with his elbows resting there and his feet planted on the floor. His eyes were shut, his head leaning back against the wall with tears streaming silently down his cheeks. Or almost silently. As you watched, his face spasmed with pain and his breath seemed to catch in his throat, making the muffled sound you’d heard; it sounded like his pain was choking him.

You opened the door wider and Dean sensed you, his eyes springing open. At first it seemed like he might bolt, but then he shook his head as he stared at you. “Baby, I’m so sorry.” His voice was a harsh whisper. “I swear to god, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

He thumped his head back against the wall twice. “I just break things. Everything.” He punctuated the word by slamming his elbow back into the wall as well, hard enough that you were worried he’d break the bone.

You hurried forward to kneel on the floor in front of him, squeezing in between his knees. You pulled his hands into yours as you tried to reassure him. “Dean, that isn’t true. You don’t break everything; you fix things, save things. It’s in your DNA to try to right all the wrongs in the world, but sometimes you just can’t.”

He stared at you intently and once again you found yourself desperate to try to ease the bottomless ache you could see in his mossy green eyes.

His voice was barely a whisper as he reached out to run his thumb across your cheekbone. “Did I break us?”

You took a deep breath. “Your words hurt me.” He closed his eyes and nodded. “But…”

You were quiet a moment before deciding it was worth taking a chance, so you just said it. “But I love you, and my love doesn’t break that easily, even if my heart does.”

You took his hand from your cheek and held it against your chest, over your heart. “Not ever. No matter what the future holds, my love is unbreakable, even when you try to smash it to pieces with both hands.”

Dean’s expression was closed off, and you couldn’t see through it to his thoughts. After a moment he shook his head. “Don’t love me, sweetheart. I can’t…I can’t protect you if you love me. Something will come and take you from me - use you to hurt me somehow.” He closed his eyes again and repeated his words from earlier in the evening. 

“Every time I get close, it always falls apart.” He opened his eyes slowly and stared intently into your soul. “Every fucking time.”

He gazed at you for a long time, and you let him, hoping he could see that you weren't afraid to love him, and you weren't going to be scared away.

Suddenly he reached out to yank you into his lap and slam his mouth down on yours. You gasped into the kiss and then whimpered as he clutched you tight to him.

He pulled away from you, breathing harshly. “Am I forgiven? Because I was such a liar. I do need you.” He dipped his head to nip at your pulse point and flick his tongue against your salty skin. “I need you so fucking bad.”

You nodded, flushed and aching for his touch. “You’re forgiven.”

He crushed your lips with his once again, standing up without letting you out of his arms. He pushed you backwards through your bedroom door and closed it with a soft click, as he yanked your t-shirt off over your head, getting you naked in one quick motion.

You pushed his open flannel down his arms, being careful not to aggravate his newest injury. You fumbled with the button on his jeans for a moment, hands trembling, as he palmed your breast and squeezed, pressing his hard, blunt fingertips into your yielding flesh.

You threw your head back as he pulled your nipple into his mouth and bit it gently. You sank your hands into his short hair, tugging sharply and moaning loudly. He pulled away, just far enough that he could spin you around to face the wall. With a hand against your upper back, he bent you over slightly and lifted your arms, so that you braced them against the brick.

Then he raised your right leg, wrapping his forearm over top of it and spreading you open. You felt the knuckles of his other hand brush over your dripping wet core as he unbuttoned his jeans. Seconds later, you felt his tip pressing against your entrance and then you let out a scream of pleasure as he slammed into you hard and fast.

As he fucked up into you, he pulled you open even wider, reaching down with his free hand to rub circles into your clit with his calloused fingertips.

Eventually he dropped your leg, and pushed your feet apart while he pulled your hips back towards him. He never faltered or slowed his pace, just manhandling you into the positions he wanted.

You were bent at a ninety degree angle now, hands still braced against the wall, with your head hanging between them as Dean continued to pound into you so deep that he was almost lifting you off the floor with each thrust. 

He clamped his hand on the back of your neck, using it as leverage to piston his hips forward like a jackhammer. He tilted your pelvis forward slightly and suddenly he was perfectly, relentlessly hitting your g-spot over and over until you were screaming out his name and crashing into a hard wall of pleasure. You shook with your climax, but Dean didn’t stop, riding you through your first orgasm and into several more.

Your throat was hoarse from shouts of pleasure before Dean finally cursed loudly, shouting your name and surging into your body. With one last driving push,  you could feel him spurting into you hot and thick. He rocked his body against yours a few more times as his cock continued to twitch inside you.

Finally he stilled, both of you breathing harshly now, bodies slick with sweat. He laid his chest against your back, his arm still wrapped around your waist, keeping you close, keeping himself locked inside your slick warmth.

“Y/N.” You could hear the thick emotions even in his soft whisper. “You know, you save me. Every time I think I can’t recover, every time I think I won’t get back up. You make me think I can. You tell me I will.” 

He paused and his voice was velvety and warm as he breathed out across your skin. “You save me.” He kissed your shoulder gently. “Every fucking time.”

Jensen RPF and Any/All Characters:

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Dean Fics Only:

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Any/All Fics Regardless of Character or Fandom:

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[grudgecollector]

God Help The Fool

Pairing: Bo Sinclair / Reader

Summary: Even as a long time residence of Ambrose, you could have barely prepared yourself for what would happen tonight. Your curiosity pulling you closer and closer to the front door, to your doom.

Words: 827

Tags/Warnings: Blood, attempted murder, light descriptions of gore, descriptions of stabbing, Bo's anger

A/N: Um hello... It's been quite a while since I've written any sort of fan fiction in like two years probably, so I apologize if this isn't very good LOL

I have recently been hit with inspiration to write again. I've realized I really miss it.

In the future some of my fics may be a little more centered around Creep and Josef, but I did rewatch House of Wax for the first time in a while last night and it just makes me AGH

I'm not entirely sure how active I will be, but I'm hoping to revitalize this blog and make it into a home for me and anyone who has similar interests once again.

Your ears ring, fingers tightening around the handle as you dig the knife deeper into the flesh of your sudden victim. Your eyes burn, tears threatening to drip down your bruised cheek. A cloudy puff of air comes from your parted lips, the cold winter wind biting into your skin. 

Dark green eyes were staring into your own with both rage and fear, his hands closing harder around your neck as he continued to try and strangle you. The air was being snuffed from your lungs, a fire building up in your chest as you struggled under his strength. 

It felt as if your neck would snap, the way the heel of his hand dug into your windpipe. 

You twisted the knife further into his torso, making him groan in pain. Whatever strength you had left you used, attempting to wiggle the knife around like a joystick on a jammed arcade machine. 

In this moment you felt like you could accept death. Whatever sins you have committed in your life have finally caught up in one foul game of cat and mouse. No matter how hard you tried to fight him off he stayed glued in his place, bloody spit coming to his lips before dripping onto your nose, down to your cheek. 

You heard a warped voice yell above you, it sounded so close yet so far away.

There was a sudden release of pressure around your throat, a harsh breath of cold air filling your burning lungs. You let out a wheezing cough, clutching your chest with a bloody hand as you attempt to suck in more air. 

The ringing in your ears never stopped, your head was spinning, you felt like you would throw up any second. 

Bright white dots blurred your vision, making it impossible to know which way you crawled.

In some way you believed you would be safe from the chaos that occasionally reigned through the quiet, empty town of Ambrose. No matter how much you have seen or heard during your time living here. 

It was tonight that your naivety finally caught up to you. A simple look out the front door ending in you almost dying. 

You should have listened to Bo when you told you to stay upstairs, you should have listened to Vincent when he told you not to move from the closet minutes later, and most of all you should have listened to Lester when he told you to not let curiosity get the best of you. 

There was a tingling sensation on the side of your face, numbness prickling your skin. 

Slowly, your eyes open to see Bo’s fiery ones, his forehead creasing in worry as he lightly caresses the skin around your throat. 

You knew he was angry with you, you could feel it radiating off of him as he stared down at you, chest heaving.

He grabbed your tired arms and hauled you to your feet, making you stumble forward into his chest, where you clutched onto his black button-up weakly. 

“I-” You attempted to choke out an apology, but your throat felt like sandpaper, forcing a cough from you once again. 

“Not now.” Was all he managed to say, his rage bubbling as he glanced over towards the now mangled corpse of the man. 

Bo could barely contain his blood lust in normal circumstances, but when he saw you on the ground like that? It was like something else entirely took him over. 

He wasn’t sure if it was the dominance inside him, watching as some stranger hurt what belonged to him, or if deep down it was the fear of losing something he loves. 

Either way, the younger man did not stand a chance against a seasoned killer such as Bo Sinclair. The wrench the older man wielded now lodged into the broken skull of your attacker, a now unusable body for Vincent’s evergrowing gallery of wax figures. 

Bo could not find it in him to care though, he knew a replacement would be lured in eventually. 

He slammed open the front door of the house, making his way to the kitchen towards his twin who had probably just come out from his studio. 

“Vincent! Take her, there’s still another out there somewhere.” Bo practically shoved you into his twin’s arms, “And do not let her out of your fucking sight.” His darkened eyes glared at you, something vulnerable swirling deep inside. 

You didn’t take his harsh tone to heart, having been with Bo for as long as you have, you have dealt with his outbursts before.

This felt different, though, while his anger was evident, the thing that stuck out to you more was the wetness in his eyes. 

His eyes did not linger on you for very long, his heavy boots stomping back towards the front door. The harsh closure of the door made the walls rattle, some small things falling from the shelves hung up on the walls. 

[call-me-cheese]

Yooooo always good to see new writers on here

Could you do some hurt/comfort with Charlie and Vaggie (specifically poly chaggie x reader, but if you don't do that, separate is fine), where the reader is in the fight at the hotel and saves Charlie from Adam (in place of Lucifer), but is seriously injured in the process and sort of lost in the chaos. Then, once the angels retreat and things are calmer, Charlie and Vaggie find reader beaten and bloody, practically on death's door, but hanging on as the two try their best to stabilize the reader

But the reader survives at the end because there needs to be a happy ending to it :(

Charlie x reader x Vaggie

A/n: I had rewatched the final episode for 4 times and I will go and cry about it. But I hope you will like it, here is 916 words(if you are interested in it).

Your spear struck Adam's face with a slashing motion, throwing it away from Charlie. You may not have been perfect with polearms, but the time you spent with the Vaggie definitely made sense, usually without incredible strength, you could easily throw an almost 2-meter man away from your girlfriend. The adrenaline in your blood does its job, completely numbing the pain of the wounds sustained in the battle with the exorcists and allowing you to focus your attention on Charlie's defense. Adam was thrown to the side of the impact, and you turned to Charlie, checking how she was.

"How are you, Charlie? I definitely should have hurried." You turned to her, giving her a hand so she could get up.

"Thank you!" said Charlie as she walked up to you, hugging you tightly, and you gave her a gentle pat on the back to make her loosen her grip.

Somewhere in the background, Adam rises and begins to curse both you and Charlie, and you turn to him, walking slowly towards him, leaving one of your girls behind.

"How dare you, wretched accomplice of heaven, touch our ray of sunshine Charlie?!" -- your spear changes its position with lightning speed, the thin shiny blade of angel steel is very close to his body, yes you are not in the best shape, yes you see that Vaggie also needs help, but compared to Charlie, at least she is an experienced fighter and knows about the tactics of angels, so you're probably better off staying close to Charlie.

"Who are you? How many of you are gathered here? Moreover, why do you care so much about her? Okay, devils, you're going to be a piece of cake, haha!" -- Adam stood up, shaking off his clothes and spreading his wings, ready to take off, while you, seeing this, decide that you need to attack before the moment of takeoff, because there he will have an incredible advantage.

You attacked quickly, but despite this, Adama deflected almost all the blows, your imperfect technique, although easy to guess, a few cuts appeared on his mask and clothes. Suddenly, you heard Charlie trying to shout something at you, and you let Adam take off. Charlie called you in case of Lute that tried to attack you from behind to distract you from Adam, but Charlie and Vaggie teamed up and protected you.

"Thank you, darlings," you quickly thanked them and turned your attention back to Adam.

At least you tried, as Adam had already unleashed his magic on you, literally cutting the entire hotel building in half. And if Charlie has Vaggie to catch and hold her, there was no one for you in particular. That is why it was you who fell into the crack between the buildings.

You were lucky, the beams fell above you, which very successfully saved you from other debris, the adrenaline in your blood stopped working, the pain from the injuries came flooding over you and seemed several times stronger than it really was, there was no strength left to move or at least some signal, so all you could do was lie down and hope. Charlie and Vaggie will definitely find you, it can't be otherwise. Occupied with such thoughts, your brain gradually shuts down.

The next thing you feel is a cool, slightly rough hand, you instantly recognize it as a Vaggie's hand that was touching your neck in search of a pulse. Your eyes open a little and are dazzlingly bright compared to the dark silence your brain was in during the faint, contrasting so strongly that it hurts your eyes. You squint, turning away, trying to shield yourself from the light and the sounds around you.

"Honey, she's awake," says Vaggie beside you, and Charlie's shadow instantly blocks out the light, bringing relaxation to your buzzing head. So you try to open your eyes and look around without still fully regaining consciousness. Charlie hugs you, touching several open wounds, which makes you groan in pain. You want to ask about the situation, about the situation with the angels, but as soon as your lips open, all your senses come back to you, you begin to feel dust and dryness in your mouth, the surface of the ground beneath you, destroyed and not at all pleasant, dried up your blood, mixed with angelic blood and other things that fell on you during the fight and, To be honest, you start to want to feel nothing again.

"Shut up," Charlie and the Vaggie tell you at the same time. They also lift you up and transport you to a more comfortable surface at the same time. It is quite pleasant and the lack of constant tension in your body allows you to faint once again.

The next time you wake up, your body is tightly wrapped in bandages and the sensation of pervasive dust that caused incredible sensory disgust is gone. You're in the shade, lying on something soft. There is no sensation of pain either, it looks like you have been fainting for a relatively long time.

"Veggie, Veggie, come here!" -- Charlie is nowhere to be seen, but you can recognize her voice everywhere. You can also hear Vaggie's voice, but you can't make out what she said, she probably answered Charlie.

They hug you, you're sure Charlie is crying because something wet has touched your cheek. You, too, are glad that at least these two dearest people are alive.

So as I already said I hope that you enjoyed it)

[missvelvetsstuff]

As per usual, I'm a bit stuck on my current story, No Benefits(don't worry, I'm working on it but progress is slow.) And this idea popped into my head. Well, the truth is I rewatched the Newsroom and it gave me an idea. If you've seen the show you might see the similarities but it's not identical.

If you haven't seen the show, you really should.

Here's a draft of the prologue, LMK what you think and if you want more.

The Situation Room

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: After a mission almost gone wrong, Tony brings back Bucky's former assistant, who is also Bucky's ex. Can they work together without hurting each other? Will the whole truth about their break up finally come out?

Avengers AU where Thanos never happened.

Prologue

Warnings: Swearing, angst, cannabis usage

Buckys motorcycle roared up the driveway of the Avengers compound, returning from a two week vacation after a mission fiasco. Tony had sent him to his house on Loon Lake, upstate. It was bigger and fancier than Bucky ever needed but secluded, quiet and on the water. Very relaxing. Pretty girls at the bar down the road helped pass the time.

He felt himself tensing as he parked and turned his bike off. Flashes of the drama went through his mind and he shook his head in an attempt to clear it.

His goddamn assistant had risked the mission when she didn't make sure he was fully  equipped. She was cute and not bad in the sack but had only lasted a few weeks before forgetting his favorite knife and guns, causing him to be unarmed and unable to protect the civilians he was trying to rush from the building. Thankfully Sam had been close by and able to get them to safety.

Bucky was lucky no one was killed. Well, no innocents were killed but a couple were seriously hurt, including a young girl, maybe 10 years old. He was shot as well but that was healed before he had headed upstate.

The press had a field day and the anti Avengers crowd went nuts. It didn't help that he lost his temper at a reporter who pushed a camera into his face, which he grabbed with his vibranium hand and crushed before returning it to the reporter with a big grin.

Bucky strode into the building, nodding at security as he passed, and went straight for his room to drop his backpack. Then he headed to the common room, just in time for dinner. Most of the team was there and Tony reminded him they needed to meet about the assistant situation.

Obviously his old assistant had been fired but a new one would need to be hired and Bucky hated that whole process. Tony expected him to at least sit in on the interviews since the first three he had were only interviewed by Pepper and washed out within the first week.

After he ate Bucky cleared his plate, confirmed he would meet up with Tony first thing in the morning, and went to bed.

His sleep was interrupted by nightmares of that mission, they had eased while he was gone but were back now that he was home. In his dreams, he failed and innocent people died, he watched that young girl bleed out in his arms before he woke up yelling.

Bucky was up at 5am, worked out, showered, ate and headed to Tony's office. When he arrived Tony's secretary waved him into the office.

Bucky sat across from Tony and waited for him to finish his phone call "Perfect, I really appreciate your help on this. I'll see you in a few minutes?" He paused, listening "No, that's no problem, I'll keep him here."

Tony hung up the call and looked at Bucky with a big grin on his face. "I believe I have solved your assistant problem. I found the perfect person and she'll be here any minute."

Bucky nodded "Great, so I can go now, right." Standing up from his seat, Bucky turned around and saw her. He did a double take, then glared at Tony

"NO! Hell no. No fucking way, this isn't happening Stark. I'm not working with her! Not after what happened. What she did."

Y/N smirked and winked at him while her gut wrenched at the hate in his eyes, she wouldn't let him see her pain. "Nice seeing you again too, Barnes."

Tony shook his head "Sorry pal, you don't get a vote in this. You've gone through 13 assistants in 6 months, not to mention the dozens in the 2 years before that. Y/N was the last one who knew what she was doing. The rest just wanted to get in your bed."

Y/N chuckled "That won't be a problem with me. I wouldn't have even come but I could use a break. Madripoor has been worse than usual since the Power Broker showed up"

Bucky flinched at the mention of Sharon Carter but pushed it aside then smirked "Well we agree on that, you're not getting anywhere near my bed." He looked at Tony "Can I go now?"

Tony nodded. Once Bucky was gone Tony hugged Y/N "Sorry about that but you know how he is better than anyone."

She shrugged sadly "It's fine. I mean he could have gone violent. I'm gonna go get my room unpacked. I'll see you at the team meeting tomorrow morning."

Bucky stalked to his room where he paced angrily for a few minutes before yelling into a pillow then changing and heading to the gym to work it out.

He started on a punching bag and his mind wandered. Why did Tony have to bring her back? There had to be other people out there that could do the job, the rest of the team all had long time assistants and didn't go through all the drama he seemed to. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't hear the door opening.

Steve walked up to him at the same time he broke the punching bag which slid across the room and threw sand everywhere. "You alright there punk?"

Bucky glared at him "Do you know what Tony has done? Did you know?"

Steve sighed "Tony told me this morning. Said he didn't want me tipping you off. I know you're not happy about it but she was the last competent assistant you had. Your mission gear, appointments and paperwork were under control so no goofs like with every assistant you've had since, you know." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, not wanting to open any old wounds.

Bucky scoffed "How am I supposed to deal with her every fucking day. After everything that happened. I don't know if I can do this without losing it."

Steve nodded "I know but maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe you two can talk and find some kind of closure, even be friends again."

Bucky snorted "Thor been visiting with his fancy liquor? You can't possibly say that and be sober. How can I be friends after she-" he couldn't say it.

"I know jerk but just give it a shot. If it's awful then we'll make changes but at least you'll have tried."

Bucky sighed "I was gonna marry her."

Y/N went to her bedroom, Tony was kind enough to find her a place far from Bucky's quarters, where she had practically lived before everything blew up. She sighed and looked at the boxes stacked up next to the sofa, in her little seating area, before falling into the sofa.

Being in Bucky's presence for just moments was exhausting, forcing her to wade through all the heartache from two years ago. For a long moment she questioned her ability to deal with seeing him again, every day and still so pissed at her. Obviously he still hadn't learned the truth about that day but she wasn't going to try to tell him. She already did that, tried to get to him before anyone else could spin what happened but she was too late and what she found when she tried to go home had blown her life up. She had no reason to expect him to be open to hearing anything from her.

She shook her head to clear the negative thoughts. Bucky might hate her but he needed her, even if he would never admit it. Once his life was back in order and his reputation polished she would disappear back to Madripoor.

When she was done unpacking and organizing her room, Y/N grabbed a sandwich and iced tea from the cooler on the coffee table and sat back to enjoy her dinner. As she cleaned up, she ate a special brownie hoping it would help her sleep but knowing that it wouldn't be enough to stop the nightmares.

Tomorrows meeting would be interesting.

Chapter 1

[catparent94]

Draxum Redemption Arc and Relating it to Donnie’s Stadium Scene 

I have been rewatching episodes of ROTTMNT.  

I like Draxum’s redemption arc as it is in the finale. But I just wish that the writers had the time for more episodes to address it. They already have episodes where Mikey, Draxum, Raph, and Splinter talk to each other, which helps to establish his redemption arc. Though, the thing that I think would have helped to establish the redemption arc even further was if there was an episode where just Donnie, Leo, and Draxum were together as the main focus. This is mainly because Leo and Donnie both went through traumas related to Draxum that I think should have been addressed.   

I can’t really say more than everyone else has said about Draxum dropping Leo from a roof. Yeah, maybe that really should have been addressed in the show.  

So, I am going to be talking about Donnie and his traumas related to Draxum. Specifically, I want to address how Donnie got severely hurt by Draxum when Draxum was turned into Shredder!Draxum. And the traumas related to that.  

To do this properly, I will be analyzing the episodes 

 End Game, specifically for the stadium scene to show how Shredder!Draxum severely hurt Donnie. 

Then the beginning of Many Unhappy Returns in the stadium to show how Donnie was really scared of being hurt by Shredder!Demon 

Analysis is below

End Game 

So, obviously, with this episode, everyone got extremely hurt with Draxum being the Shredder. 

But Donnie was hurt the worst by Shredder!Draxum than the rest of his family. One of my reasons is I don’t think his brothers were entangled in the squishy vines like he was. Here are the 3 pictures I am referring to. Time stamps for these are 16:55- 17:00.  

Donnie’s whole body was encased by the vines, and the brothers had to try to save him. Obviously, it did not work, but still. In images one and three, Donnie looks like he is about to throw up.  

Like that had to be sensory hell for Donnie. And he already has sensory issues naturally. 

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Then, at 18:03, Donnie was smashed down onto the ground by Shredder!Draxum’s now metal instead of squishy vines. He already looked like he had some kind of black eye with quite a few scratches. 

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But Donnie still continued to fight and was used as a distraction. Or, as Donnie said, “I will keep them recklessly busy.” He did this with his tech bo, and he is pretty brave.  

Context: While Donnie was being used as a distraction, Raph smashed the seats in the stadium with his tonfas to cause the baseballs, seats, and any other materials to go into the air. Then, Mikey used his kusari-fundo to cut the seats, baseballs, and any other materials into tiny pieces. Finally, Leo used his sword to make multiple portals to aim the material at Shredder!Draxum.  

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In addition, because Donnie was used as the “reckless distraction,” he got pretty hurt while the other brothers were preparing all the materials they had in the stadium to throw at Shredder!Draxum. The next four pictures below show this during this part of the fight. 

Donnie was trying his best to fight Shredder!Draxum with his tech bo, which he did somewhat efficiently. But the first image was the point where I could tell Donnie in his head was thinking, “This is scary.”  

Then, in the second image, he was smashed to the ground by the squishy vines.  

In image three, the squishy vines hit him in the back and shell, which looked very painful.  

Finally, the fourth image shows that Donnie fought Shredder!Draxum until Leo comes in with his portals from multiple different directions, and Donnie looked more hurt compared to Leo. Only then does Donnie move away so the portals’ materials can all aim at Shredder!Draxum.  

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The next picture below shows how hurt Donnie got in the baseball stadium after he was no longer being used as a distraction and got out of the way. It really shows how hurt Donnie got compared to his brothers. For instance, he had a lot of bruises, and his face was swollen, but his brothers did not have any injuries like that.   

Also, this kind of goes with a previous theory I have that they are all self-sacrificial that will be addressed at a later date.   

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The next few pictures emphasize that Donnie was the most severely hurt in this episode compared to his brothers even further.  

The first photo shows that Donnie’s hand and wrist were hanging over Leo’s arm, so he is not able to high-five his brothers. What is important to mention is that April was the one who had to put Donnie’s hand and wrist on Leo’s arm for the high-five. 

Then, the next two pictures are my biggest pieces of evidence that Donnie got severely hurt in this episode compared to his brothers. Specifically, because he was the only one who could not stand on his own. In the second photo, April and Mikey had to help Donnie stand up. This is when they thought they defeated Shredder!Draxum. And in the third image, April still needed to help Donnie stand up. That was the image just before the reveal of the full Shredder!Demon. 

Ending conclusion 

Take into account this all happened with just Shredder!Draxum. So, Donnie would have a bad feeling about Draxum being near him or anyone in his family at all. Also, I think Donnie would not be so welcoming to letting Draxum into the family. At least not without a conversation, and a deep one at that.  

I really think that Draxum should have had an episode with just Donnie and Leo because of the dropping Leo from a roof and because of when Draxum was Shredder!Draxum in End Game caused Donnie to be severely hurt. 

Also, I am headcanoning that Donnie’s sensory issues had increased after this event.  

Many Unhappy Reminders episode line from Donnie I think that is important for extra notes I couldn’t figure out where else to put this is 

“I want to say I feel prepared, but my chattering teeth won’t let me.”  

Now, all I can think about was the fact that he was not able to stand by himself in a few scenes prior while the other brothers were able to walk.  

This show really liked hurting Donnie, and I can tell. It does help me create great angst material. And I am adding more angst related to Shredder!Draxum in my fics. 

[oakdll]

There is something genuinely haunting about HLVRAI. Like it’s a comedy series, but there is some genuine terror in there.

Dr. Coomer’s clones, the way he will suddenly break from his robotic self into a nihilistic creature that somehow knows the secrets of Black Mesa, it’s scary. In Episode 4 when they reach the surface, Gordon asks why they can’t just climb the walls and escape, and Coomer replies in the scariest voice: “There’s nothing there. There’s NOTHING there.” His face contorts, his mouth opens further than normal when he talks, there’s a shrill ambient tone playing over his speech, it’s fucking terrifying.

Especially the Coomer clones, those are MORTIFYING. When Gordon is attacked by all the Coomer clones, the real one says: “I’ve been outside Black Mesa, Gordon. There’s nothing there but YOU. I know there’s a world in your dreams, and I need to go there. There’s an opening in your suit and I want in.” The way he talks about how he feels the pain of all of his clones is haunting. “Gordon, every time you go to sleep I can feel my body torn apart, atom by atom. It’s agonizing, Gordon… I’ve seen outside of Black Mesa, Gordon… There’s NOTHING. But I know you. There’s a world outside here, Gordon, and I need you to take me there.

I know I’m just quoting Coomer at this point, but his lines speak for themselves. He literally says with the most nonchalant voice: “Well, clearly crawling inside of your HEV suit and wearing you like a puppet didn’t work, so..” This is genuinely a horror series.

Benrey is also a terrifying character. He’s always so non chalant and comedic, but something about the way he mindlessly insists on Gordon showing his passport, the way he repeatedly comes back to life is chilling to me. Throughout the entire series, from the very beginning he has seemed more like a “thing” than a human. His motivations are so stupid but he has such a relaxed confidence that he can survive anything, it’s haunting.

He has his own rules for the world that are forever changing, never static. There are times where he berates Gordon for killing living creatures right after killing innocent people himself, it’s like he’s a child with no sense of morality given a gods body. I don’t know how to describe it, he is just so frightening to me.

Like the scene where he says that he added Gordon’s death to the All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 Wikipedia page is fucking hilarious, but it also gives off a haunting impression that he knows that Gordon is going to die and is preemptively adding it into history. When Gordon denies that he’s dead, Benrey says “Well, it’s not the end yet, so you can’t say anything.” Which is a TERRIFYING line, and the only reason it’s not talked about more is because he’s referring to All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. I love this series

Edit: While rewatching the finale, there’s a scene I forgot about that should definitely be included in this post. When the group is traversing the alien world, they find a dead guy in an HEV suit and Coomer says: “Look Gordon, it’s you!” Something about that is so scary to me, it’s like Gordon is watching a version of himself that died because of Benrey, it’s so scary for no reason

Also another Coomer quote: “Gordon, if you found out that everything around you wasn’t real- was FAKE- what would you do?”

[dullgecko]

(Just finished s1 of my fantasy high rewatch)

Headcanon that during the time stop Fabian let Kristen heal all of his wounds except for the scar on his eye (he still felt like he sort of deserved it after everything with his dad) and Riz managed to convince him to let him be the one to heal it with his medkit (he said he felt bad not doing anything but really he just really did not want Fabian to get an infection from the crusty ass eyepatch)

Riz was the first person Fabian told about his dad dying because the battle started so fast that Fabian never even had a chance to mention it and Riz’s immediate reaction was “do you want me to help you fucking destroy Dayne’s body once this is over” and Fabian felt just such immense pride in calling Riz his best friend

Riz actually ends up doing a really good job on the eye but he does insist Fabian at least go to Kristen after the battle to make sure everything’s clean and he doesn’t like die of sepsis a week later

Sklonda walks in on just Riz grinning extra feral (Fabian had just told Riz his intentions on chopping off Dayne’s hand later) while adjusting Fabian’s eyepatch and she pulls Riz aside a little bit afterwards like “is there something going on between you and Fabian that I should know about” and Riz almost dies of embarrassment insisting that it’s not like that but Fabian had asked Riz to not tell anybody else about his dad because he wanted to be the one to tell everyone so he can’t tell her what is actually going on so she’s just like uh-huh sure kiddo whatever you say

Afterwards over the weekend Fabian invited Riz over and they just chat about their dads being dead (they both cry a little bit but neither of them mention it)

After that any time Fabian or Riz are missing their dads they just call each other and talk about it

🩰

There were worse injuries to heal anyway and it wasn't like she could bring his eye back so it didn't matter. Plus it was going to end up scarring anyway, it had been too long since the injury occured for him to do anything about that little fact. Ohter than his eye he wasn't too badly hurt at the moment, nothing that a long rest couldn't sort out, so he shoo'd Kristen away when she came after him trying to heal him. He leaves her looking after the rest of his team and sits down to brood a little distance away and tries not to think too hard about everything that's happened so far today.

He's not left sitting by himself for too long though, Riz appearing beside him (making him jump because 1) he'd come from his now blind side and 2) little shit was damn near silent when he walked) carrying a stolen medkit that was nearly as big as his whole torso and thunking it on the ground beside him. The goblin had insisted on, at the very least, cleaning some of the soot and dirt out of the wound and putting a dressing over his eye under the eyepatch. Fabian grumbled but Riz was right, there was no way the eyepatch was sanitary so he took it off (which hurt quite a bit since it was stuck to his face with coagulated blood) and let the rogue clean up the ragged wound.

The medkit wouldn't do as good of a job healing as a cleric would but it certainly wasn't mundane by any stretch of the word. Magic-infused wipes helped to knit together the ragged slash across his cheek and eye and smooth out the skin somewhat as Riz, pupils slitted and tongue poking out of his mouth slightly as he concentrated, did his best to clean and sanitize the worst of the damage.

It hurt a lot but Fabian felt like he deserved the pain so he tried not to flinch away from it. His eye socket had been the worst of it and he'd had a hard time not flinching when the goblin started to clean there too. He got a sharp hiss of warning when he tried to lean away, Riz actually grabbing him by the hair (no do not awaken anything in this moment not with The Ball of all people) to hold him still as he carefully picked a few bits of debris out of the hole with his dexterous fingers, rinsed the worst of the blood out and slapped a healing gauze pad over the top before securing it in place after cleaning the inside of the eyepatch.

Fabian grumbled but had to admit it did feel a lot better now, especially with the magically infused bandages helping to dull the pain somewhat.

Riz, for his part, is doing all this because he's trying not to think too hard about all the things he's learned today. Turns out his dad didn't get sick and die, he instead got eaten by a fucking dragon. Poor Fabian had to kill his dad himself, which sucked for a whole bunch of reasons even if it's what his dad would have wanted.

[justjams2003]

The Desire to be Loved

Okay so... I watched the new Dead Boy Detectives and I loved it. But it made me kind of sad cuz we didn't get to see Dream. So then I rewatched The Sandman. So please enjoy my ramblings of what could be a new story maybe?

Pairing: Dream of the Endless x OFC Love/Cupid/Venus (you know how these beings have millions of names) (Also technically it could be an x reader because love is sort of anthropomorphic but in this story a she)

Warnings: Manipulation, threats, gay lovers (but it's the Sandman so that should be a given) crying, cliffhanger, unedited, kind of like enemies to lovers, tell me if I miss any

Word count: 1,6k+

Dividers by: @hyelita

Masterlist

(I've moved next part to the bottom)

When the first woman stepped foot on the earth, Lust was quick to follow after in their creation. Desire thrived late with his twin Despair after the birth of Destruction once Lillith set on her own path. And once the second woman set foot on earth, Desire created his first creation: Love. Love set her very first arrow into the heart of Adam and Eve.  

And as Dream had his second in command, Lucien, Desire had their favourite pet, creation, Love. And while Dream cares for his dreamlings, Love was nothing but a pet to use for Desire. One to follow orders and never throw tantrums. He did make her as sickly sweet as love can be, but with the same swing as desire has.  

And for thousands of years, she did as she was told. When Destiny told Desire that true soulmates were about to meet, he’d send love with her red heart arrows. And when it was the beginings of love, he’d sent her with her pink arrows. And finally, when the love was no longer meant to be, he’d send Love, to rip those pink arrows from the lovers. Tearing their hearts apart, leaving it to throb in pain.  

After all, it’s not safe for the Endless to roam the human world. Not long enough or often enough, at least, to fulfil the task that Love is sent to do. That was solidified in Desire’s mind when his least favourite brother got captured by the humans.  

She sits on the roof of a house she hasn’t visited before. That seems impossible, she’s been to almost every corner of the earth. But this house...she can feel the aura seems entirely loveless. A black cloud that leaves a bad taste in her mouth, and she doesn’t even eat. At least now something has finally started to bloom.  

She places the arrow on the hilt of the bow. A cute pink heart at the tip. She pulls the string back, controls her breathing like she’s done a million times. But something stops her when she hears what they’re talking about. “The maids say the guards are late.” The boy who just sat down asks.  

The other boy’s black brows furrow. “Really?” He goes to get up, Shoot! She’s going to miss her opportunity. Rushed, she’ll admit, she releases the arrow and it lands right in the two of them. A smile grows on the both of them. She can see the pink aura form around them and makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  

“I’d better get going. I don’t want my father’s demon to escape.” He chuckles to himself, struggling to let go of his newly appointed lover. ‘father’s demon’? What on earth is that supposed to mean? Curiosity plays in her mind as to what it could mean. Especially with this dark cloud surrounding this supernatural feeling house.  

Carefully, her cupid-wings carry her down to the floor. She follows behind the boy, knowing no one but the supernatural can see her. Her white heels (after all, none of Desire’s creature’s could ever be unfashionable) hit the floor with a click-clack. Down the stairs and past the gates. But she stops right in her tracks with an audible gasp when she sees the Burgess’ demon.  

Alex watches with furrowed brows when the pale being his father had captured stands up. His piercing blue eyes looking over Alex’s shoulder, staring right at Cupid. Her eyes are as big as saucers and her plump pink lips hang open in shock. Dream’s hand rests against the glass, words are at the tip of his tongue, but just as quickly they fall dead.  

Gone. His one hope of escape took one large step back into the realm of Desire. Her mind, although submissive and quiet in nature, knew immediately who it is that is captured in Rodrick Burgess’ house. Who is this being that could’ve saved him and all his dreamers? Why couldn’t Alex see her? Why hasn’t Morpheus seen her before, in the waking or the dreaming?  

Why? Well, because it’s Desire’s number one rule. Her white go-go boots stop in front of his throne. “Your Highness?” She asks, her innocent eyes glued to the floor like a child ready for a scolding. “Yes, dear pet?” Desire says with a slinking smirk and the lick of his lips. He knows this stance of her all too well.  

“I’ve done bad.” She says, her shoe digging into the floor, her hands wringing behind her back. “Do tell.” They beg for the minor being. “Well, I was on the mission you sent me. With Alex Burgess and his new lover. And well, they were talking about something the Alex boy called ‘father’s demon’ and I-” Desire holds out his hand. She rambles often, he’s used to it.  

Cupid plucks a piece of skin from her lip with her teeth, such a nervous girl. “I saw Dream.” She blurts out, knowing better than to continue blabbering. Desire stands from his seat. A huge smirk forms on his face. He’s practically dancing around now, joy coursing through him. Or rather, mischief. “Oh really?”  

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t know he’d be there. If I knew I wouldn’t have gone. And-” The rambling starts again. But the anger that she expected isn’t there. “No, no, don’t worry my dear pet. You did good, so good.” They muse, now circling her like a shark with it’s prey. “I did?” She ask, her eyebrows lifting in the middle as she fights off the tears she’d been ready to let go of.  

Desire hums, his finger curling under her chin. “Verrryyy good.” He draws out the words like a cat would that could speak. Love’s long lashes flutter as the tears try up, now turned to confusion. “My brother, dear Morpheus, has been missing for the last 10 years and you, dear pet, have accidently just found him.” 

“I did?” He nods again, driving the point home. “Are we going to save him then? He looked so terribly miserable in the glass cage they put him. When he looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes that he has-” she’s cut off by a sharp nail under her chin, ready to unmake her. “Why would we ever save him? No, no, no! Have I not taught you better? He has not called for our help and for that we’ll let him rot.”  

The tears rise in the emotional girls eyes once more. “That seems so cruel.” She mumbles, a knot in her throat. “Cruel? Are you not the same Cupid who rips the love right from people’s hearts? Who lets them suffer for years before letting them love again? Is that not more cruel than letting a man, an Endless, be as he wishes to be?”  

Venus gasps when the tear rolls down her cheek, “Yes, but-” she wants to say so much. It is not she who gets to chose. It’s him! They make her break the humans and she cries each time she has too. She just preforms her given task dutifully. It pains her when the humans pray to her, because she has no choice in the matter.  

But she doesn’t say anything. She can’t, Desire would unmake her for disobedience. Instead, she just accepts their badgering. “No, pet, we take advantage of this. While he does not have a say in the matter, you and I will execute as many plans as possible for his demise and when he escapes from his capture, we’ll see the Dreaming fall and crumble at our feet.”  

This...this does not sit well with Cupid. Not one bit. “My master, are you sure this is a good idea?” Her voice is barely above a whisper for she fears Desire’s vengeful side. Desire’s head snaps to her. “Don’t you want your master to be more powerful? To rule over so much more than people’s fleeting wants?”  

“I-” she stumbles over her words but can see when those golden eyes warn her what the true answer is. “I do.” Cupid swallows her tongue and this does please Desire. She’s always been the perfect pet. Capable of nothing more than what is told to her.  

But all she can really think of is the desperation in his eyes. One of the Endless, stripped and vulnerable. And he was pleading. Pleading to her. Just another lonely creature made to serve and one of the Endless were pleading to her to free him. But what could she do? She cannot touch the humans, she cannot even speak to them. The universe and it’s creators know she exists, but those they serve struggle to believe.  

One thing that Desire of the Endless did not take into account is that Love isn’t just desire in another form. It isn’t just a want for the pleasure that a human body gives. It’s also the dreams of the humans that give her any form of power. A dream of what more there could be past the fleeting moments of lust. Past the want for sex and through the to the soul.  

A dream that all humans have. To be loved. By their parents, by their siblings, by their friends, by their lovers. Love is something all humans dream of, late at night when they enter the sleeping world. And while yes, they do wish to be lusted over and want over others, what Love gives is much, much more.  

A cross between Desire and Dream. And if the humans cannot Dream of love, can they even love? If there is no Dream, can there still be Love?  

Idk if this is going to be a full story yet but if you think it should be and want to be in the taglist if it becomes one, just ask!

Part 2~

[skayafair]

Hell Circles

Alright time for a soul-crashing post!

When I saw Edwin curling down on the floor in that room in Hell, trying to be as quiet as possible and not even trying to run when Charles found him, my mind faltered.

We know Edwin escaped Hell. So why did he look like he gave up? He hasn't been there for as long as the first time, I think even with hell's no-time he should have been able to feel this.

I explained it to myself in 2 ways, they aren't mutually exclusive and are both pretty painful to think about.

It was just this devastating to end up in Hell for the second time, and Edwin clearly didn't expect for anyone to come for his rescue. So his resilience and resolve weren't as strong as the first time or, rather, he felt broken by this sudden developement and didn't manage to bounce back from it yet (again, it wasn't very long this time). The boiling point of "I WILL get out of here again, everything be damned" wasn't reached yet. (As you can clearly see, I have no doubts whatsoever that he WOULD HAVE done this eventually, just after much more trauma and suffering. I'm so glad Charles came before all that.)

This is a psychological cycle. I often go through a similar one so I couldn't help remembering it. When you run as fast as you can and try your best to no avail until you're out of all the resources to go on, and so you give up. Curl up in the corner and hope the outside world won't notice you, give you some respite. The future seems bleak or non-existent. You give. up. It won. And then over time the inner battery charges, or the desperation reaches its breaking point, so you grit your teeth and get up. And run and try again and again and again. "Impossible just means try again". I thought Edwin must have went through similar cycles time after time. The first time he was dragged into hell, then the second. After every couple of "deaths". The worst thing about it is that while real life has at least one escape (not recommended but as a last resort it's at least always there if everything becomes too unbearable), Edwin has none. His only choice is either to tremble in the corner forever (and who said the doll-spider won't notice him even so?) or to run and be torn to pieces. Forever is a very long time. Only with running there's still this very thin, very subtle hope to escape, so in a way this choice is unavoidable. Oh, right, Edwin actually has another possible escape - into madness can you tell I'm fond of loveraftian horror. Locking himself up in his own mind might help, although I'm not sure it would have been effective enough. And honestly I'm glad he wasn't this broken after all.

So yeah that was fun to realize :')

Also Edwin doesn't handle change well, as we know from Charles' words. How jarring (beside the obvious) was it to be tossed from one demon to another? I bet the "punishment" changed, too. It must have felt devastating to figure out the way of handling one and get more used to it, more mentally stable, however horrible it might be, - just to be thrown into a completely new situation.

Let's add insult to the injury, shall we? Look at the corridors Edwin was kept in. The greenish hue, the dim light that makes even the most spacious halls feel claustraphobic. It feels heavy, weights on your mind. There are no windows, no outside, forever. It's suffocating. This place is a pure torture on its own, even without demon doll head spiders.

All in all, I didn't like Edwin much when I first started watching, but after completing the series and rewatching on top of that, I admire him. To go through all these horrors and get out of them is worth that on its own. But Edwin retained his kindness, compassion, moral compass and a will to help others in need. He didn't grow callous, didn't lock himself away emotionally from the world fearing to be hurt again - at least not completely, not even close. I really didn't expect to come to respect and admire a teenage series character like that.

This show has a heart in it, it's living and beating and big and kind, and its characters reflect that in full.

[foxgloveinspace]

Gooooood morning Cass!!! My brain is against me and is making me wake up at 10 when I’d much rather be up earlier tbh🥺. Oh well I am awake now!

My family uses truvia as sweetener so I’ve never had it with sugar before, but it definitely needs some sweetness in my opinion haha. I think I use the equivalent of like, 2 tsps?? Maybe 3?? In all my cups of tea lmao, I like my tea extra sweet tho. I haven’t tried it with honey, cause I don’t like it very much in my hot drinks… or by itself😭. I want to like honey, like you look at me irl and your like ‘oh this person loves honey’ but I do not.😔 (I haven’t had coffee yet sorry for the random rambles lmao)

I have not heard of yellow deli? There’s one it seems a few hours from where I’m at tho🤔 weeirdd haha.

Good luck with your interview!!!!!!✨🖤🎉

Teach me your tea magic ✨ oh my god please 😭🙏🏼

Also I love youuuuu

🖤 @a-little-lynx

I drink this one!! One cup a day, at least for one week before your period starts, or you can drink it every day. (Link to Amazon. But I think you can get it in stores at Whole Foods?)

It tastes best iced, in my opinion. It has to steep for like 10 minutes, so it’s a very strong taste. But yeah, this is the one I drink, it works really well for me, but there are other brands out there too, I know yogi has a raspberry leaf tea cause I saw it when I looked for this one lol.

I love you toooo, I hope you can find something that will help, even if this doesn’t end up helping you. Those things that ‘simulate’ period cramps are actually things that can help make them better when cramps are happening I hear?? What is it a tens machine?? I’ve looked into those before but they are pricey.

[dramatea88]

Kill Me Love Me episodes 16-18 - why it was so important to Murong Jinghe and Meilin's growth

Many people complained that these episodes were "out of sync" or that the drama suddenly became another genre. But these episodes stuck with me for a long time. So much so that I rewatched them over and over again. For some reason, they were just so meaningful to me, as impactful as the pivotal episode 13 where we saw Murong Jinghe at his very lowest.

For me, the most meaningful and moving scene was this one - of them dancing around the bonfire.

I couldn't really articulate why before, but today I decided to write down what I saw in it that moved me so much.

After a while I realised that that dance around the bonfire was a celebration; Jinghe and Meilin had been in pain for so long, tortured by their mission and inner demons, but the dance around the fire marked a turning point in their journey.

These are the reasons why their time in the village was so important to their growth:

It was a reminder and restoration of their true selves

Were they deluding themselves to forget about the outside world, their mission, and their vengeance and indulge themselves in this bucolic paradise? I think in that beautiful village, it was impossible to hold on to the darkness. And who would blame them to indulge in some peace and tranquillity?

During this time, away from the stifling confines of the capital and from the people who smiled at them but held daggers behind their backs, they could finally relax … and fall in love.

A dose of hope that their lives could be more than just about vengeance

Meilin and Jinghe had led such tightly focused lives for ten years: It was for vengeance, and nothing else. There was no space for anything else. Certainly nothing happy.

In this village, there was suddenly a new focus: Love. This made them realise that there was life beyond their quest to take down the crown prince.

Not only do the villagers give them a more human reason to strive for their goal, they could now focus on living for each other.

A reminder of why they have to do what they need to do

By living side by side with the villagers, they are reminded about the ultimate reason why they are fighting for justice and vengeance — to preserve and protect the lives of these good-hearted common folk, so that their children can still run in the fields, and the village could celebrate and have tables of food.

For Murong Jinghe, it's a restoration of his faith in the common folk

For Jinghe, his time in the village is especially profound. He has never lived as a commoner. His life had always been about privilege and responsibilities. He's used to being served and bowed to by these folks, and the only other experience he had with commoners is being crippled by them.

In episode 2, we see Jinghe say bitterly, first to Mei Lin and then to his dead mother, that for 10 years, he had regretted the mercy and restraint he had showed towards the people of Qianzhou, because it only resulted in him being crippled and his men dead.

His time in the village was important to give him an insight into how normal people lived and a reminder that they are more than irrational monsters.

When he played with the children, interacted with the village aunties and even sweet, hapless Wei, he is reminded of their humanity. They are kind, good-hearted villagers. These are the people he was meant to protect.

They are no longer the weapon-wielding objects of his hatred, his tormentors, but people with dreams and hopes, whose lives should stay free of fear.

When they danced around that fire, I truly celebrated with them because of all the healing they had done. This village helped them heal.

And notice in this scene that the frame pans back to the bonfire. I think, intentional or not, this is symbolic. Fire has been the source of both Meilin and Jinghe's tragedies. But this time, the fire is at the centre of a celebration. The meaning of fire has been transformed.

[thequeenofsastiel]

Rewatching season 1 and I'm STILL furious that they not only had Lestat almost kill Louis, but they ruined their first flight together. For those who haven't read the books, it's at the end of Queen of the Damned. Lestat had only just acquired the power, and had never flown of his own power before. He chose to have his first flight with Louis. I'll transcribe it, for those who want to read it:

I kissed him suddenly, thrilled by the warmth of him, the soft pliant feel of his near human skin. God, how I hated the whiteness of my fingers touching him, fingers that could have crushed him now effortlessly. I wondered if he even guessed.

There was so much I wanted to say to him, to ask him. Yet I couldn't find the words really, or a way to begin. He had always had so many questions; and now he had his answers, more answers perhaps than he could have ever wanted; and what had this done to his soul? Stupidly I stared at him. How perfect he seemed to me as he stood there waiting with such kindness and such patience. And then, like a fool, I came out with it.

"Do you love me now?" I asked.

He smiled; oh, it was excruciating to see his face soften and brighten simultaneously when he smiled. "Yes," he said.

"Want to go on a little adventure?" My heart was thudding suddenly. It would be so grand if--"Want to break the new rules?"

"What in the world do you mean?" he whispered.

I started laughing, in a low feverish fashion; it felt so good. Laughing and watching the subtle little changes in his face. I really had him worried now. And the truth was, I didn't know if I could do it. Without her. What if I plunged like Icarus--?

"Oh, come now, Louis," I said. "Just a little adventure. I promise, I have no designs this time on Western civilization, or even on the attentions of two million rock music fans. I was thinking of something small, really. Something, well, a little mischievous. And rather elegant. I mean, I've been awfully good for the last two months, don't you think?"

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"Are you with me or not?"

He gave another little shake of his head again. But it wasn't a No. He was pondering. He ran his fingers back through his hair. Such fine black hair. The first thing I'd ever noticed about him--well, after his green eyes, that is--was his black hair. No, all that's a lie. It was his expression; the passion and the innocence and the delicacy of conscience. I just loved it!

"When does this little adventure begin?"

"Now," I said. "You have four seconds to make up your mind."

"Lestat, it's almost dawn."

"It's almost dawn here," I answered.

"What do you mean?"

"Louis, put yourself in my hands. Look, if I can't pull it off, you won't really be hurt. Well, not that much. Game? Make up your mind, I want to be off now."

He didn't say anything. He was looking at me, and so affectionately that I could hardly stand it.

"Yes or no."

"I'm probably going to regret this, but...."

"Agreed then." I reached out and placed my hands firmly on his arms and I lifted him high off his feet. He was flabbergasted, looking down at me. It was as if he weighed nothing. I set him down.

"Mon dieu," he whispered.

Well, what was I waiting for? If I didn't try it, I'd never find out. There came a dark, dull moment of pain again; of remembering her; of us rising together. I let it slowly slip away.

I swung my arm around his waist. Upwards now. I lifted my right hand, but that wasn't even necessary. We were climbing on the wind that fast.

The cemetery was spinning down there, a tiny sprawling toy of itself with little bits of white scattered all over under the dark trees.

I could hear his astonished gasp in my ear.

"Lestat!"

"Put your arm around my neck," I said. "Hold on tight. We're going west, of course, and then north, and we're going a very long distance, and maybe we'll drift for a while. The sun won't set where we're going for some time."

The wind was ice cold. I should have thought of that, that he'd suffer from it; but he gave no sign. He was merely gazing upwards as we pierced the great snowy mist of the clouds.

When he saw the stars, I felt him tense against me; his face was perfectly smooth and serene; and if he was weeping the wind was carrying it away. Whatever fear he'd felt was gone now, utterly; he was lost as he looked upward; as the dome of heaven came down around us, and the moon shone full on the endless thickening plain of whiteness below.

No need to tell him what to observe, or what to remember. He always knew such things. Years ago, when I'd done the dark magic on him, I hadn't had to tell him anything; he had savored the smallest aspects of it all on his own. And later he'd said I'd failed to guide him. Didn't he know how unnecessary that had always been?

But I was drifting now, mentally and physically; feeling him a snug yet weightless thing against me; just the pure presence of Louis, Louis belonging to me, and with me. And no burden at all.

That's one of my favorite scenes in the whole series, and I just wanted to share it. I hope y'all got as much enjoyment out of it as I did.

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

(repost of this with the video directly in the post because vimeo links are acting up)

Rewatching this scene for the sweet angst, something struck me. In hindsight it's extremely obvious but I'd never thought about it this way.

There's the very obvious parallels with Qui-Gon's death, down to Satine caressing Obi-Wan's cheek, there's that amazing bit of mirrored exchange, where Obi-Wan starts off confrontational and angry and Maul gloating, and then Obi-Wan becomes soft-spoken and empathetic and Maul starts to shake with rage and pain and can't even properly face him, and then there's this.

Maul boasts that the Dark Side is "more powerful than [Obi-Wan] knows," that Obi-Wan's "noble flaw" is a weakness, so why is he trying to make him more powerful? Why tell him to use the Dark Side? Why basically give him a crash course about how it works? Does he want Obi-Wan to retaliate? To escape?

The obvious answer is that Maul isn't trying to make Obi-Wan more powerful. After all, he's well aware that Obi-Wan is a dogshit fighter when he's angry.

Immediately after that last quote, he says "that is not the Jedi way, is it?" as a taunt, and again in The Lawless, he insists "You should have chosen the Dark Side, Master Jedi."

So he's simply trying to destroy him as a Jedi, right? Because he knows that's what make Obi-Wan who he is, and he blames Obi-Wan for robbing him of his status along with his life, so he wants to destroy Obi-Wan's life in the ways that matter (since, as Obi-Wan says, just killing him is nothing like destroying him). But if that's the case, then we're back to the "power" issue. What's the point of destroying Obi-Wan if it's by giving him what Maul claims is his own identity, and the key to freedom?

And imo the answer lies right here:

Why would killing Satine make Obi-Wan share Maul's pain? Why would Maul regard the pain of losing a loved one (something he's completely unfamiliar with at this point) as equal to his torment? Why isn't he chopping Obi-Wan in half and keeping him alive with Nightsister magick instead? Why would the murder of one of Obi-Wan's loved ones, picked almost at random, be THE "moment" Maul has been thinking about "for years"?

I think he really isn't talking about Satine's murder in and of itself when he talks of pain. The pain he wants Obi-Wan to share isn't the pain of loss, but very simply the pain of living in the Dark Side.

That's why Satine really is just a "tool" to his vengeance, as he says, and not the main point. That's why he's so enraged that Obi-Wan insists on showing him compassion even through his fear and anger - being kind leaves you open to grief but protects from the agony of the Dark.

Maul wants Obi-Wan to Fall, to stop being a Jedi, not because he truly believes the Dark Side gives you good things, but because he knows the Dark Side makes you miserable.

He tries to freaking teach Obi-Wan how to Fall, like Obi-Wan is a Sith apprentice, because being a Sith is the most miserable you're ever going to get! He tries to make Obi-Wan suffer by making him like him! He's so self-loathing his hatred of Obi-Wan materializes as self-hatred!

And hey, that greatly complements the end of the episode - Obi-Wan resists the Dark Side and escapes the planet, and Maul revels in it and immediately loses the only person he cares about and ends up crawling and crying while Sidious gleefully tortures him. Maul falls victim to every form of suffering he wanted to inflict on Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan flies away. In the end, Maul is proven right: being Fallen really f*cking sucks.

Really accentuates that Maul wanted relief above all when he sought out Obi-Wan in Rebels. He went to the only person who had shown him actual compassion, and the person he knew was best at resisting the Dark Side - so he could finally be free.

[burst-of-iridescent]

Hi! Just a quick message to say that I love your analysis on Katara and Zuko and their dynamics with each other. I personally love how you place the emphasis on them having their journey towards growth together, but an individual one as well. I've only started watching AtlA two years ago, but reading your remarks during my second rewatch of the show made me appreciate the nuances of their relationship and arc more <3 I was just wondering, because you've made some good Zutara fic recs in the past, which Zutara long fic would you absolutely recommend? Thank you so much!

aww, thank you so much! i haven't read long zutara fics in quite some time actually but off the top of my head here are my favs:

the color of the stars by bluenebulae: yes i know i've recommended this fic a hundred times already but i will continue to do so bc it's SO GOOD. this is a book 3 canon divergence where zutara get captured together on DoBS and need to find their way back to the gaang together and it is just everything.

tempest in a teacup by akaVertigo: if you've been around in zutara fandom for a while, you probably already know this fic but i couldn't not include it. this is an au where katara ends up in the fire nation as a child after her mother's death and she and zuko grow up together. fire nation katara AUs do make me a little suspicious because they can easily be done wrong, but this one does it right and the writing is absolutely stunning so trust me when i say you won't be let down.

zuko's tiny dilemma by boogum: book 1 au where zuko is accidentally turned into a 6 year old (with his 16 year old consciousness) and the gaang ends up having to take care of him. i know that sounds like a weird set-up for romantic zutara but i promise nothing gross happens. it's actually a very funny, sweet and wholesome fic so i strongly encourage that you give it a chance!

the worst prisoner by emletishfish: book 1 au where sokka accidentally kidnaps zuko during the events of the blue spirit, and shenanigans and zutara ensue. this is the funniest zutara fic i have ever read AND there are two more installments in the series so you will be good to go for a long time.

(i couldn't find this fic in my bookmarks at first because my browser logged me out of ao3 and i nearly had a breakdown thinking it was gone forever and texted my friends in full panic mode, so that should tell you how much i adore it.)

once around the sun by eleventy7: i would be deeply remiss in offering fic recommendations if i didn't mention one of the most goated zutara fics of all time. i'll warn you now that though this fic has a happy ending, you should absolutely check the tags or you will be stabbed in the heart halfway through just like i was. the pain is definitely worth it, though.

i hope you enjoy reading these! <3

[waystarresourceco]

It occurs to me as I was recently rewatching Chiantishire that something I didn’t pay attention to the first time around is how Caroline handles discussions of the past, particularly the Logan-Caroline divorce and its aftereffects. Unlike Logan, who basically bulldozes his way through memories to reconstruct a future he can handle, Caroline’s engagement in ‘the past’ seems dependent on who she’s talking to.

Long Caroline-Shiv-Kendall post beneath the cut.

I get the sense from Chiantishire that Shiv wasn’t very aware of the details of the divorce. She didn’t really know how or why Caroline left – just that her mother wasn’t there. And in her absence, Logan’s narrative became Shiv’s truth: Caroline didn’t want her – didn’t even care enough to fight to keep her in her life. So fine. Shiv doesn’t want her either. And in Italy, she let Caroline know that.

And then something interesting happens - Caroline actually engages. She admits that she wasn’t the greatest mother in one breath and brandishes a verbal knife with another. “I may have been a bit of a spotty mother but you’ve been a shitty daughter.” It’s vicious all the way around, but it’s a kind of mutual wounding. It’s a conversation. The past is painful, but it’s open for renegotiation. Because underneath it all, there’s the heart of something still alive between the two of them.

But with Kendall...with Kendall there’s nothing left to engage in because the distance is already too great.

In the cut scene from Pre-Nuptial, we get this gem:

Here, Kendall tries to forgive Caroline for the same “abandonment” Shiv brings up in Chiantishire, but it’s met with a very different response from Caroline. Instead of an acknowledgement of being a “spotty mother,” Caroline goes on the offensive. She presses him on the double standard he’s applying to her because this is an old hurt, one that has its roots in how Kendall is always Logan’s, even when he’s privy to details that should make him think differently.

There’s an underlying implication in Caroline’s response that suggests Kendall has much more of a picture of what led to the divorce than Shiv does. As the oldest, the heir, and Logan’s sometimes confidant, Kendall would have likely had a front row seat to the breakdown of his parents’ marriage. To the moment Logan banished Caroline from her children’s lives. And while he might not have known everything, to Caroline he was capable of knowing the difference between leaving and being pushed out.

And her son’s blame? It’s not unexpected. Kendall has always been Logan’s. Was stamped with his father’s name from the moment he was born. But that doesn’t make it sting any less when her first born, the one she sees her temperament in, sides with the man forcing her out. And while I think Caroline and Kendall weren’t particularly close before the divorce, I can imagine this being the fracture that was never set. An injury that never quite healed right, unable to support the weight of a relationship from that point forward.

Sure, Caroline will coo when she sees him. But that’s because she loves all of her children – including Kendall. Because no matter what, she really does want to be in their lives. But she won’t engage with him the way she will with Shiv because there’s a world of difference between Shiv, who has the ability to one day understand her, and Kendall, who has already chosen not to. So really, what is there left to say? Kendall’s made it clear; he’s chosen to become his father’s creature, to adopt his narrative and echo his actions – and Caroline can’t stomach suffering his blame. But with Shiv? Maybe some day, if they keep at it, they’ll end up on the same page.

As a general note, these relationships are obviously super complex and have a lot more going on than just musings about the divorce so to save this from getting too long and disorganized, second and third parts on Shiv and Caroline and on Kendall and Caroline already in the works haha. Will go back and link them all together as they’re written and posted. If you made it to the end – thank you for listening to the ramblings of an insane Carolinegirl.

[andorianminingconsortium]

Just rewatched DS9 episode "our man Bashir" (s4e10). It was thoroughly enjoyable. Here are some of my thoughts!

(I hope it is clear. English is not my first language and depression makes my brain foggy :) )

It's such a fun premise to put the real life secret agent in the holo program with someone playing 'secret agent' in a way that is compelling wrong for the real secret agent, yet (probably annoyingly) effective in this make-believe world. Almost fanfic worthy how unserious yet serious the plot of this episode is.

I love when Garak jokes, "I believe I joined the wrong intelligence agency" as a way to signal that the way Julian is playing James Bond is just not the way it goes in his lives experience. I would have liked to see Garak lean in to his role as "secret agent how it apparently works in this make believe world". I would have liked to see Garak use his real world skills in a cool way in this holo program that would have given Julian insight into the kind of person Garak was. But I also appreciate how Garak's skills are continuously (throughout DS9) kept vague and are only really shown when it's an extremely important matter that Garak needs to help with. It fits with his character that he doesn't use his Obsidian Order skills willy-nilly (in a holo program at that).

I like how Garak was willing to sacrifice the crew that was kept in the holodeck program to safe himself (and Julian). It stays true to his morally grey alignment. It was a nice touch. But then when Bashir harms Garak, Garak finally sees Bashir is taking this seriously and Garak helps him again. This is interesting because Garak earlier commented that Bashir should stop seeing things as a game. It might make the audience think that Garak was only pretending to be willing to sacrifice the other crew to teach Bashir how serious everything was. Interesting!

I also liked when Julian and Garak had their argument about why allegedly Garak was not enjoying his time pretending to be a James Bond-esque secret agent. I don't remember exactly what was said but I feel like Julian dropped some good truths and gave Garak a good read. On the one hand it's fitting for Garak that he did not really retaliate or confirme/denied anything Julian accused (?) him of or ascribed to him. On the other hand I would have loved for there to have been a slightly deeper discussion between the two that might have revealed something about how Garak thought about his time with the Obsidian Order and how it impacted him even now. I would have like to be able to infer from the argument how Garak reflects on himself (as (former) Obsidian Order agent), in a way. But maybe he said something about which other people from the audience (you) have different takes? I'd like to hear them.

I think the most important quote Garak said, assuming from how the episode was written, is when Garak said that he had learned when the odds are against someone that someone should recognise it and choose to walk away and that that has kept Garak alive while his colleagues aren't. I think it is a most important line because Julian uses it to basically "win" the episode or the holodeck game. The quote saves him and Garak. Now the quote in itself is interesting. Is Garak a coward? Is he someone who gives up too quickly? Judging from the episode, we might think yes. But as I said before, maybe Garak only pretended to give up to teach Julian something. Is Garak simply very situationally aware? I think so. I think he is very intelligent. I think with the quote itsself, Garak triwd to teach Julian a different point of view. I think Garak hoped Julian would understand him better andI think at the end, Julian did. I choose to read this with gay subtext, as I always do for Julian and Garak of course. I also think "knowing when to walk away" is such an interesting and almost painful skill to have. I can imagine someone who wants to fight and tries his very best to fight. Or to win. To safe people. But at some point you have to learn when to stop. When to walk away. It's a very mature skill to have. I think it's the difference between burning yourself to keep others warm and having the respect for yourself to know when to be "selfish". It might be very interesting to compare this with Cardassian society but I haven't done a recent deep dive into that so I'll leave that to someone else. Anyway it's a skill I can only respect and I do not think any less of Garak for knowing when enough is enough. I think if we look at his character as a whole, it fits him that such a 'tragic' (not heroic?) skill is one that is highlighted and important to him. Interesting!

I don't know if anyone finds this interesting but I love talking about cool Star Trek episodes and doing a bit of a deep dive/analysis. Feel free to share your opinions as well! I'd love a friendly discussion/conversation! So... As always,

Thank you for reading!