#it's upsetting and I don't know how to process it
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Simon x gn!reader: Til' the Greenery Grows
tw: hurt and comfort, angst, discussion of death, set after the events of mw3 (boo), happy ending
To be put to bed in such a manner, to be rested beneath the trees, for the last thing the eyes to see to be the greenery which will consume - he thought of it all often, especially when, with the twist of one hand, all that remained of a comrade, a loyal friend, drifted into the wind.
He told you that it wasn't how things were meant to be, that, if he had it his way, it would've been him, the one who took the bullet, all for the sake of Johnny being the one to hold him, to set him free.
'Some fucken sacrifice it was,' he sneered, hand clutching a glass of whiskey. The dimples in his cheeks greeted you, the darkness of the kitchen leaving them to appear like wounds in his face. 'The bastards still out there, and he's dead.'
You sat by silently, watching him from the other side of the table, hands wrapped around yourself, wearing one of Simon's sweaters. 'It shoulda been me.'
'Don't say that,' you whispered, looking at him, 'please, please, never ever say that.'
He startled at the sound of the weakness in your voice, narrowed eyes growing wide. The glass of whiskey hit the table with a clunk.
'I- I know you're upset, Si', and what happened is horrible. But... I hate it when you talk like this.'
The concept of care was foreign to him, so your vulnerability seemed to be an utter shot in the dark for you knew, realistically, he hadn't the slightest clue of how to interpret it, let alone process it. So, when he was silent, you continued in the hopes of making it easier to digest.
'I love you. I don't want you to die - I don't want anything bad to happen to you, even, well, even if you think you deserve it.'
'You're just bein' nice.'
'I'm being honest,' you said firmly, clenching your fists, 'do you think I wanna have to put you in the ground? That I wanna pick out the flowers, the clothes? Any of that? Because I don't,' you admitted, eyes stinging, 'bad things happen to everyone, but I don't ever want them to happen to you and you talkin' like this is only going to bring them.'
You reached out to take hold of his hand, pressing your lips atop of it, 'I never wanna wake up alone, a- and when you die, I wanna be there with you, in the ground.' A tear rolled down your cheek and you snivelled, 'so please, please stop saying these things.'
'Marry me,' said Simon.
Your heart stopped and you stared at him wide eyed. He pushed the glass of whiskey to the side, taking hold of your hands firmly.
'What?'
'You heard me,' he said, eyes not moving from yours, 'marry me.'
'Are you being serious?'
'Wouldn't lie about somethin' like this,' he said, 'say yes, an' I'll never say anything like that again. You have my word, love.'
The emotional whiplash left you half disorenatated as a burst of excitement spread through your chest. You couldn't speak, so you answered his proposal with a chain of nods, bottom lip wobbling as you almost leapt across the table, pressing your lips against his.
#another random thought lol#cod#call of duty#cod mw2#simon riley x you#simon ghost riley x you#simon cod#simon ghost riley x reader#ghost simon riley#simon riley x y/n#cod x reader#simon riley#ghost cod#cod modern warfare#this is cute i think#cod x female reader#cod x y/n#simon ghost x reader#simon ghost riley#manicrouge#cod x gn!reader#call of duty modern warfare
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Daily Reminders.

Executive dysfunction isn't being lazy. You're disabled.
Parents should treat their kids with respect. Not as pet projects to project their dreams onto.
Intent matters in anything and everything.
Organized Religion has caused a lot of damage. Christianity and Islam in particular. You're not obliged to explain to anybody your disdain for either. Faith is separate from Religion.
2025 is ragebait. overcome it through Spite and Whimsy.
Comfort characters are more than pixels on a screen. They can be a lifeline to some. Do not allow anyone to diminish their worth to signal virtue about the value of "real people." because the feelings fiction brings you are equally as real.
Stand your ground no matter what depending on how much of your safety or comfort you're willing to sacrifice for the end game.
Survivorship status is no crutch or badge it's a part of you and it's different for each one of us. Someone's performative critique pointing and using someone's status to devalue them based on their own selfishness and inability to process their misery - usually from the shadows defines them and not you. Respect yourself and your journey. Move. Forward.
Being angry is okay. Being upset is okay. Crying is okay. Hating is okay. Feelings of any type are equally important and should be safe to process with true friends. Nobody who loves you will keep a record of your self expression to later try use against you.
Everything you think you know. You often don't. When you feel an expert in something it's the wonder of diving deep into something and being fascinated. The Dunning Kruger Effect takes effect here. Ancient philosopher Socrates said it best. "All I know is I know nothing"
In juxtaposition to the point above. Acknowledge your skills and capabilities. The above quote doesn't mean you're ignorant. It means there's always so much more to know. The universe is a prime example. Humans. Fickle as they are have already made so many theories with the very limited technology compared to what's needed to traverse it. In such few years. It's just as understood though that many of these will be disproven as hypothesis always undergo that process in which they're tested. Should they last they're close to fact as possible.
You don't need to like people. You don't need to care if a lot of people don't like you. Existing for the world is the opposite of self actualization. If you are loved and love those worth it to you, the rest is noise. Your journey is yours to walk and live. Anybody trying to torpedo it becomes a simple obstacle.
That said. Don't hurt those who don't deserve it. Being kind isn't about platitudes or weakness. Be a monster to monsters, be sweet to sweet people, discern the difference between anger and malice, too, it's about being self aware and aware of others.
You'll meet once in a blue moon people who don't appear human. This isn't metaphysics but just special individuals that don't fit any personality type or anything you've heard of. I'm one of those myself. There's not many in the world but it starts intuitively since little and develops from understanding the world and universe.
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I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.
Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.
He was really nice.
Yeah.
It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?
You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."
You didn't, loves, you didn't.
We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.
I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.
Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.
When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"
No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.
Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?
Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.
That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.
I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.
A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.
I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.
So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!
Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.
You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.
I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.
I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.
It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.
Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.
#listen to old auntie Shades#serious#fuck I don't know how to tag this#I should probably read-more this but I'm not sure where#and now I need to go take a walk for my stupid mental health#you never stop processing#you do it over and over and over and over#and hope it gets a bit easier each time#Someone might get upset by using prey#but 'preferred prey' is an important concept from the predator's view#it doesn't mean the people are inherently prey#you feel me?#it's the best word I can find for the concept#neil gaiman#adjacent
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the crazy thing about Liam is that I finally got to a point a few weeks ago where reminders of his death became a sort of sad exhale and a "shit. that really happened, huh?" But any time I allow myself to ruminate on it for more than a moment, his absence descends again upon me like a dark shroud. Because how can one of those boys be gone? Forever? How can this band that I've loved for so long be so permanently altered? It's so fucking wild and difficult for me to comprehend in that context. And in the context of age, the fact that I am still relatively young and have gone through the death of a childhood idol already? The fact that he was so young? It's just so immensely devastating in a way that feels so intangible because he is not and never has been a tangible part of my life. Parasocial grief is really something else, huh?
#it's like how can I ever fully comprehend that he's gone when he was never directly in my life to begin with?#how long will it take for the lack of new pictures videos music etc. from him to create a void?#how long will it take before I'm fully able to process he's gone?#I know it sounds crazy but I genuinely feel like that day won't come until I see the four remaining boys together#I don't really feel like anything else could solidify him being gone for me and I find that somewhat disturbing#like why must he exist in that vacuum? why must his death be contextualized in that way?#I guess because he's just such an inherent and integral part of that band for me? I'm not sure.#but it upsets me that i feel like that's a necessary step in my grief. why can't I just accept it and move on with happy memories?#why must I be presented with his absence in such a visceral way? especially because it would make such a reunion so bitter for me...#sorry u guys are my therapist tn#just thinking of him...always thinking of him...for the past four months...#liam payne#one direction
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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want#but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care#i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now#i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit#i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know#i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines#i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words#to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court#anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him#why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out#way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey#I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now
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idk i'm sorry :/ i just don't have that much negativity about arbitrary things in me and don't feel very welcome anywhere
#idk if i can finish that riddlebird comic at this point#i feel wayy too bad abt my presence here and atp i don't know how to act normal or keep it inside anymore bc it's no one's fault#i just feel sad. i just wanted to feel like everyone else#but it also is 2 in the morning and i've spent so long being upset abt this i'm probably not in my right mind abt it#i don't rly know how to process this kind of thing even though it's been a recurring problem my whole life
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you deserve to be happy. remember to fight for that
#i didn't know how badly i needed to hear these words until i saw & juliet for the first time last year#and these words have stuck with me every day since#i know that it's so fucking hard right now#and it's easy to lean into the despair and i don't blame anyone for that#and it's okay to let yourself grieve and be upset and angry#process things how you need to#but remember that no matter what anyone tells you#you DESERVE happiness#you DESERVE peace#you DESERVE a good life#fight for it fight for what you deserve#post: mine
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I don't want to talk about this too much for a few reasons but firstly. incredible how different things can seem if you're not suffering symptoms. truly the 'nothing in life matters' meme but replace it with 'I know nothing about my favourite guy (t. e.)'. but still hole in brain aside most of that was suffering symptoms as bad of an excuse as either of those are
#'I feel like the ogre reading ulysses' you need to. yet again faced with 'do I elaborate on what's wrong with me'#I TRUST you. but I don't trust the wider internet with that information. by being mysterious about it I'm making it seem worse#than it actually is. anyway it's a very simple fix if you're aware that you need to fix it. I just wasn't.#also I need to be more patient with myself because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am in fact dumb as rocks#after being incorrectly told that I'm smart my entire life. which definitely compounded on problems. it's a process#and also that between the disease and cognitive/negative symptoms and the unholy combination of the two#my brain is going to completely yeet information out of my memory at random. not scary at all. also really annoying.#and embarrassing actually. you can't help but feel a little fraudulent when you're going out of your way to be asked about a subject#but then when you're answering questions about it you realise there's a hole in your brain where all of that information used to be!#I've been trying to keep myself aware of the dunning-kruger effect. that if it feels like I know so much that I actually know so little#and that it's hubris talking. hubris still fucking got me though. idiot.#like. I WAS suffering symptoms which makes it very difficult to recall anything and I am so weird about learning#partly because I don't want to run out of things to learn. but also the back catalogue is missing. what could I lose next?#I'm sure I've lost things that I'm less upset about losing because I don't care. so I am less likely to think about them#how long until I lose something else precious? what else is missing?#how do I stop feeling like I'm making excuses to cover up for the fact that I knew nothing in the first place because I KNOW that I knew#this information. I can still remember the actual moments of reading these books. so I'm not going completely mad#ironic thing to say given the ENTIRE circumstances. anyway. would like to not feel like a fraud?#anyway trying very hard to think about this positively. this means that I get to learn about him again.#but again do I do that now and sort of let myself get entirely consumed again or do I take it slowly or do I wait#because it could be something that I use as a lighthouse in the fog if you will. and then if it happens. I use it as what I do in the perio#where I'm 'recovering' and pretty useless. but then again that's a pretty big 'if' I'm looking at#says he doesn't want to talk about it very much and then proceeds to natter on about it. typical!
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kind of amazing how you can spend 99% of your life forgetting about someone's existence and still have nightmares about them for... nearly 20 years at this point. it's been 10 years since seeing them. fucj
#I am beginning to finally process this#and I am kind of blaming gege for that#the way jjk has helped me learn and accept my headmates life experience etc etc far more than therapy is criminal lmfaooooo#ig a lot of it is also just. years of research and personal work and self awareness like ok sure I put the work in but things I've never be#able to understand or identify or communicate with... now have something to relate to. identify with. it's incredibly helpful and I'm grate#all the time. it's funny how I swore off tragic media bc after a lifetime of masochistic consumption I was finally disinterested in it#and then some asshole sabotaged my 7 year resetthat was SO CLOSE I could've had a body that no one took from me but NOOOO#Anyway I'm glad that event took me back into the tragic taste in media bc this is rly insightful but also goddamn that fucked me over so#incredibly much. it's a lot easier bc I wasn't in denial in the moment. I was able to process it at the time. not just years later. I alrea#had years of cptsd research and experience and so the healing is a lot easier but also??? I was doing so well and it set everything back an#I'm so upset. like bitch stole priceless shut from me and also my clothes that don't give sensory issues or dysphoria and also a haunted c#cryptid book on niche stuff that was from my dad like#I'm still so angry I finally wasted money on toys like ovipositors I wanted for YEARS trying to get myself to enjoy sex again but it's stil#so numb. even in my dreams. it's so numb. when I had good t levels for a bit things were better. but I dunno.#even if I have always been repulsed aro ace (which could all be trauma induced but it's all I know). I've always been a freak#Anyway sorry for that lmfaooooo I am willing to talk about it but also like I feel bad for mentioning it but also I don't expect anyone to#read such long rambles. whatever here's my vague little trauma dump I guess#but what would it take to feel clean??
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Saw one of the mean girl group (four or five big writers) anyway, day absolute ruined, I though -I was sure- I had them all blocked.
(They write a lot of basic white(gringo) dark fanfic, so maybe I'm just taking it the bad way. But I genuinely think they mean bitches, doing exactly the popular girls proces, where something is omg so funny heheha so crazy😜 until is done by someone out of their group (or simply on a bad day), then suddenly is "Can't you take this seriously 😠? You are disrespecting me as a person/writer, blocked💅"
What am i saying? I don't dislike them, I fucking hate them.
#atenceladusiaawfytbwb me be saying 🤠🧐#thatbkind of poeple‚ are just fucking cunts and should be 'skiped'. But since apparently is a characteristic of being popular‚ well‚ 🙃#let me desahogarme: 1) Theyre ultra yapper on that 'freedom of speech'‚ 'its just fiction'‚ 'live and let live'‚#'if you don't like it (me) just fucking block'- all good‚ no? Boy arent they the fucking police later‚ about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE#2) the fucking high-school mean girl (very related to 1): something is so so good‚ and so so right‚ and so so funny... inside their clique.#Then is fucking disrespectful and patronizing and evil. Punctual example: talking and banter and reblogging and commenting between them‚#like about something on common‚ lets say an abc fanfic and this and that‚ how crazy it is‚ process of making it‚ ideas#fun facts/ideas. all very positive and lighthearted and juat nice‚ entertaining to see. Then like the next day 🙃 an ask (that i hope#was anon‚ because girl‚ no one deserves that) about how it was‚ how is going. Boy. And first let me ve cery very clear I know the most basic#ettiquete about fanficnand writers: you dont press‚ you dont ask‚ there simply is not a polite or decent way to asknfor updates or dates#one just doesnt do that. I myself have have experiencing the very disheartening/infuriating experience where the comment#is “oh thank fuck‚ though you quit/abandoned the fic”. That was NOT the case‚ it involved asking for some timeline or so‚ but in no way was#it pressing for a date or updates or anything‚ and‚ it was very withing the previous dinamic‚ of just asking and talking and so. Said blog#owner juat fucking demolished the asker: “Oh.my.god how dare you? who do you think you are? you come to my house and talking to me like#this? You're a very disgusting human being and you must know it. this level of disrespect and patronizing- and it just went on and on. And#that is actually a very vafy important part of the 'mean' girl part. its not just rejecting‚ but it HAS to be through some shit long discour#se. Owner just went on and on on how unbeliabable the ask was (not like it was a normal ask itself‚ very polite itself#and very very tamely withing what they had been doing with the clique prior. Anyway‚ that was the star. everything just was like that.#im afraid that without that call‚ id still just following them and reading them‚ just here and then thinking “phew‚ you really gotta talk to#them a certain way to not upset them‚ haha😬“ anyway#cod fandom#cod mwii#tlou fandom#tlou#tlou 2
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#val comes out of hiding#just had the worst 45 mins#got new glasses ok. new rx but with the same frames.#the idea was i would swap the new lenses into the old frames. since they're the exact same frames i already use.#so i won't have to adjust the new frames to be comfy#then i could use the new unadjusted frames as my backup pair so i don't have to spend a bunch of time adjusting the new frames#because i'm really picky about how they're adjusted#anyway. new glasses get here today. i start the process of swapping the new lenses into the old frames and vice versa.#curveball--the new lenses don't fit. WTF? i try and i try and i cannot get the new lenses in. maybe i got a different material thickness id#i didn't think i did but i just cannot get them to fit. alas. upset and frustrated but we gotta power thru it.#in the process of putting the new lenses back into the new frames i LOSE a GODDAMN SCREW#i search for like 15 mins with a flashlight. but our carpet is long and i cannot find that motherfucker to save my life#so i go back to the lenses thing and pilfer a screw from my old frames. then i have a bright idea#i can put the arms from the old frames onto the new frames instead! and that saves the most adjustment-heavy part of the glasses#so i do! and it works great! except i also lose ANOTHER SCREW#i look for this other one for another while and can't find either of them STILL. so i think ok. lemme break out the vacuum.#screw is small and hard. dust is soft. i can just vacuum them up and find the screw in the vacuum dust when i empty it.#so i vacuum and empty the little bit of dust onto a garbage bag on the floor and rifle through it like a little gremlin. no screws.#where are they? who fucking knows man#and yeah i just used screws from my old frames but man. the adhd frustration rage was real i almost had a breakdown on god#new glasses are fine because i got the old arms and now it's just the adjustment period but like. i kind of hate them on principle now
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I love this scene because even after everything, the first thing Naesala does when he gets into the room is react in panic about Reyson and Leanne being unconscious. In that short moment, he just reacted on the instinct that he's always cared about them, despite how shaky things had gotten with Reyson a few years ago and how he was forced to do the things he did (including with the Laguz Alliance in RD).
If he was thinking logically and had a moment to process the situation, he might've stood back and pretended to care less than he actually did, as is usual for him. In this case he didn't hesitate to react and ran to them as soon as he walked in, because it was a knee jerk reaction.
If he sat back and thought about it, he would've known Tibarn was going to start making threats and trying to pick a fight, but his genuine desires overcame logic for just a second long enough for him fear for Reyson and Leanne. As long as the two of them are alive and well, he can continue putting on that mask and faking his way through it. If there's any chance they're in life threatening danger, he'll change course to make sure they're safe (such as refusing to fight Reyson when he was in service to the Crimean army, even at his own expense).
Since Naesala wasn't aware how badly the herons were being affected by the medallion, he wasn't aware in advance that they were in any danger. He doesn't know what happened here, so he walks in and suddenly sees them unconscious on the floor. For all he knew, it could've been life threatening - hence his instant response that didn't wait for his brain to register that he's supposed to be playing the bad guy. I think the only reason he could calm down and conclude it wasn't is because nobody else was panicking/grieving with the implication of a possible death.
(And fwiw, yes, he did have to technically sell Reyson to Oliver in PoR. If he didn't abide by something the senate wanted, Oliver could just make up some story to Lekain to get him to trigger the Blood Pact. Naesala knew he was being a snake to get the whole thing to happen, but he did technically have to go through with it the moment anyone from the senate wanted something from him)
#DCB RD Run#as long as they're alive and well Naesala can play the bad guy just fine#but if he sees a bad situation and for all he knows they might be dying he drops the act instantly#I think the only reason he put it right back on was bc like I said#he realized they weren't in that kind of immediate danger based on how everyone in the room was acting#there would've been anger and sadness and not a serious group discussion#I think that if they were really dying or something that Naesala wouldn't GIVE a fuck what Tibarn said to him#I don't think he would just revert back to being the bad guy once he had a moment to process everything#I think he would ignore Tibarn and his threats completely bc he'd be so distraught#while he's acting like the bad guy he's doing it while expecting that they're doing just fine elsewhere#if they weren't fine I think he'd too upset to care what anyone said or threatened him with#bc at that point he'd be responding with raw emotion. I think he'd ask what happened to them first#and if Tibarn kept tossing Choice Words at him I really don't think he'd care#I don't think he'd be like yeah you're right I deserve it and all that other stuff he says when he's perfectly fine#I think if he was sitting there with the realization that they were dying/dead that none of that would matter#he can pretend to be distant and play the part but it doesn't change what his real feelings are#and those feelings would be his instinctive response to something like that
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Can't sleep brain too full of death
#sfw#personal#ok to reblog#so uh Fiona and Cake spoilers but#there's a lot of death and almost all of it always happened and never unhappened and I'm not ok actually#the universe where the Lich succeeded... if you don't blink you can see it happen#and then there was nothing nothing in the universe Everything Died#and then BMO... even without thinking about how horrifying it would be happening to flesh that's gonna haunt me...#Vampire world introduces itself with Simon's rotting corpse which remains even in present time#The Star... whose servants TEAR THEIR OWN HEADS OFF IN FEAR OF HER#and everyone died like it was nothing#I love this show so much but the death... all the meaningless death...#I'm too far removed from the idea of the narrative I'm too deep in the universe I can't see it as plot I see it as though I lived it myself#“so don't watch things you know will be upsetting you” unfortunately I love these characters and it was worth the pain of watching#I need to sleep please let me leave these thoughts and process my feelings later when I'm not alone and eating my own sleep time#please#Fiona and Cake spoilers#spoilers#cw death#tw death
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I'm actually still pretty disappointed about the changes that were made to implicate a canon relationship between gortash and the dark urge. you are given so much choice in this game! so it feels shitty that they took away your choice to interpret that dynamic how you'd like.
I had a dark urge campaign that I started and no longer will finish because I don't want that to sully my character's romance with wyll. it angers me enough how wyll is given barely any material for not just his story, but also his romance. like it's so unfair that rather than new material added to wyll's romance, all I was going to get was lines about how my character had a relationship with a fucking fascist. load of shit that is.
#bg3#thoughts about media#I'm deeply upset about things to do with real life that are unrelated to this and that I do not want to talk about.#but justifiably complaining about media I care about? I have a degree in complaining about media. I can do that.#anyway. I had a really cool character planned and now I have to now reinvent him or make a new one.#likely the latter because he doesn't really make sense as a character at all if he's not a bhaalspawn.#and no I refuse to romance someone else. I want to finish wyll's story with the romance involved.#I only recently managed to finish astarion's because I finally got myself to focus enough to finish ONE campaign.#I really wish I had finished two by now. so I could have finished the dark urge and seen what the story was like without any changes.#also no I cannot ignore these changes. I think gort's a GREAT villain. but I don't want to fuck him. I don't get how people DO.#out of the chosen three he's easily the fucking worst and a kind of evil that can't really be understood as “fun” or “fantastical”#whereas ketheric and orin are largely fantastical in what they do and what they represent.#that people cheer over canon durgetash despite the atrocious way larian continues to treat wyll?#I loathe it.#I. have. a few ideas for a new character. I know I want him to have daddy issues because that's what urged me to romance wyll with durge.#boyfriends with daddy issues is not only interesting. but hot. so I want to keep that element.#idk if I'll keep the paladin I made though. or go an entirely different direction.#because in the process of trying to reinterpret my bhaalspawn into a tav...I had a rather clever idea that I'm liking more and more.
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Sometimes, when I'm having trouble writing a story, I'll start writing a different story just to get something out.
But now I'm just stuck on two stories 😩
#writing process#I'm at the smut part in one#but I'm not up to writing smut atm#and the other one i just can't get the words out#i don't know how to explain it#I'm kinda upset about the whole anon thing yesterday#so that's not helping#for the record#I'm upset with myself not with anon#ughhh#maybe i need to start a third story#surely that will help lmao
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Seeing someone's awful, self-righteous, bad faith, rage bait take and realising that you already have them blocked for their other dogshit opinions 👌👌👌
#barbie Ken voice: SUBLIME.#You know when someone identifies themselves as a queer poc and like leverages it in a way that is so cognitively dissonant and embarrassing?#like bro you're giving us hot qpocs a bad name youre scaring the hoes 💀💀💀 stoppppp 💀💀💀#You can't leverage your status as a poc over another poc#especially when you are specifically talking about Thai culture and the person you're bitching about is literally half thai#especially when all perth said was I had friends that would watch every BL religiously and now there's so much coming out that they can't#so ''I think the BL industry is becoming oversaturated because the target audience can no longer physically keep up with the output''#is a perfectly reasonable thing to say???#especially as someone that is looking for roles in said industry? like they don't want to be in an unwatched unprofitable show?#he is a professional BL actor he has worked on two of the most profitable BL's that have come out of Thailand in the last like 2 years#being like ''his professional opinion doesn't matter because he's straight''#and ''I clearly have more experience with the BL industry because I consume the finished product'' is. ??? questionable???? at best???#speaking as a queer person of colour who has 2 years experience in the TV industry: oversaturation is a word that is really commonly used#it is a real worry for people that are working in a genre and it's a way to say like what is going to be innovative and popular#and how can I get on that wagon#because it's a career you're not just looking at the output at the end (the show) you are looking at the entire process from start to finish#That's literally all Perth was doing???#sorry it upset your sensibilities as a BL consumer but he was talking from the perspective of a BL professional#anyway what the fuck ever lmao
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