#atenceladusiaawfytbwb me be saying 🤠🧐

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

HELL YEAH 🗣🎤🎙🔊📣📢🔈👄🥺😾😭🏞🌊🥺😾

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST hahahaha whatthefuckkk???? Ok, sure, whatever 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

It's like, with everything, reader is raped and chronically abused???? Sure, why the fuck not, fuck yeah you might even say. Because duh, check how she survives, strong or feeble, conscious or totally stockholmed, whatever. ✨️✨️✨️✨️explore✨️✨️✨️✨️ make it even scarier, more painful, sluttier -the sky is the limit.

Reader is called a whore? Unironically, and they make our and fuck because you see actually they violently desire each other and thats hot??? 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 AHHAHAHAHA yeah sure 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 it'll be even hotter when I LITERALLY 😆😜🤪😝��� burn him alive.

((It also puts thing in perspec5ive I guess? I've read and even fucking enjoyed stories where reader is a completely tortured cocksleve, crawling herself to freedom, or revenge, or to be at the very least on the good side of her masters/monsters. To a redemption, to a scape, to become an accomplice even, and hurt, whoever- innocents even- just so she doesn't feel that pain. And she still loses, and she's still draw under by her ankles, nothing but a wet hole in a mans world??????? I'd read that every👏 position👏 to 👏Sunday👏, before another 'ugh he forced himself upon her ugh and it was so erotic and hot and ugh made her ugh realize her true inner desires ugh so hot' literally 🤢🤮

(((((That's not dark, or 'immoral' writing. Or hot or problematic or selfindulgemt. It's shit.))))))

(((((((((((OFNFJKDJDOSJ but everyone is free to write whatever they want YES FUCKING YES AVSOLUTELY THATS WHY IM HERE COMPLAINING -AND BLOCKING' NOT SENDIND THREATS OR HATEFUL ANONS OR MESSAGES OR SMOTHERIMG THEM TO DEATH?????? JUST IN CASE JUST IN FUCKING CASE))))))))))))))

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Very happy and ✨️superior✨️ because I realized a dream 🥰🥰 I dreamed I was walking on the treadmill and, for how long, how far? And I just couldn't stare at the number, they just didn't make sense. So I was like, wait a darn minute, where is it that I can't read numbers/words- oh, this is a dream! And bitch! I immediatly I woke up 😌 I'm just that mentally strong, you wouldn't understand 💆‍♀️💅.

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Sometimes I just have to 😞😐🙁🥱 on some stuff, like when they say "oh he fingered you, and you saw stars, and 🤯" because lol. No. Just- just no. Did I ever get to experience that, even? I started antidepressants before I could do it good, even by myself, so it's like??? No??? Duh, no. Anyway, some of those reflections of things I've missed in exchange of not killing myself. It's bad, bad bad. Like I don't think I've ever peaked, it's always been more like 'meh, done'.

Well, there was one time, and it was truly amazing, but it happened precisely because I wasn't taking my meds, and halfway -when there's no coming back- I got an horrifying, disgusting thought, intrusive. And lo and behold, my best time is at this point nothing sexual or tender or good, just that disgusting disgusting horrific thought.

"Oh, y/n was so horny and wet she just had tho ride his tight for a minute" And yeah, hot, sure. But deep down, what? No. What???😞😐🙁🥱 uhum.

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Speaking of my actual psychologist, he has several times made feel 'yellow wallpaperish' talk to him about war, current wars and how they make feel, the terrors! 'Oh well don't watch the news'. Talk to him about femicides and how worrying it is and the utter apathy and sadism from men? 'Oh, don't look at that up on social media'. Talk to him about me trying no to eat meat, the horrors of the meat industry Jesus fucking christ? 'Oh, well, you are not supposed to think about that! I never think about that when I eat meat'

Just send me a season to the beach to breath fresh air and find a fair husband already, then 🙂 you stupid bitch 🖕🖕🖕🖕 He's been really helpful, mostly, but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'll look for new stuff, and, besides looking for a lady/queer psychologist, I will (long due, loooong due i know (but its a proces too, like hes also helped me to be more like me and speak up you know ahh)) stop him✋️ 🫸 with those crappy answers

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

No, nothing illegal but BRO FUCKING COME ON! COME ON!

Talking to my psychologist, male, about my weight and stuff. So I mention that I exercise, okay sure, but the other side you know food, it's important, and he fucking ask me: and food huh? Tell me, what are we putting into that little mouth of yours

😐 What. In. The. Everloving. Fuck 🤢🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮

Well it was Spanish " Que nos estamos metiendo a la boquita, a ver" or something

And no, absolutely nothing graphic or illegal, 🙃 it's just you fucking know, I am an adult woman he is an adult man (old man) and he knows and I know and you all know AND EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS BUT WHATEVER LOL HAHAH JUST SOMETHING HAHA NO IMPORTANCE I'm so disgusted. I'll tell mom and tell you what she says, I truly hope for a decent: what the fuck, that's the worst way you could phrase that, what the fuck. But truly fear a: stop looking into it, it was just an expresion

He's been my psychologist for like 3 years, we do Not talk like that. Idk maybe he wasn't even paying attention, but I do have every right to be utterly disgusted right? Not actually asking, I do, I know I do, what the fuck. Anyway man ruin everything, they truly do, Yada, Yada... what wouldn't I do for a lady doctor, or a queer doctor, OR BOTH EVEN!!! 😞

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Those 'slow rise' squish toys are literally the fucking worst. Also I got a fidget toy and it's 1)the most fucking boring thing 2)breakable, like I pulled a ball and it just fell off. Bitch.

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Hi 👋, may I share with you my train of thoughts after something. I've had heavy ocd and intrusive thoughts. Things have been rather calm but yesterday I saw something very triggering. It's not, and by far, the worst I've seen as of late years, but I recently suspended my medication so I was very uh, vulnerable? So, I woke up today, the familiar feeling of failure for letting it affecting me, for letting something that lasted a minute affect me up to the next day, I an very disappointed and angry and disgusted, and that makes me more disappointed and angrier and more disgusted, and that makes me even more disappointed and even angrier and even more disgusted, and that makes me so so much more disappointed and... so on and on and on.

But, it's been years of therapy, and a dbs surgery! I am, in fact so much better at dealing this despairing things,! But it still affects me and ruins the mood. But anyway, I was writing my feelings to share with my psychologist next appointment, mostly bad things from my anger and disgust and disappointment. ALTHOUGH I DO KNOW ITS OK, AND EVEN IF KNOWING THAT DOESN IMMEDIATLY MAKE IT ALL OK AND I STILL HATE IT, THAT IT'S OK TOO! I know, I know. I can deal with this so much better than years before, I don't have, -shouldn't have- to feel like a failure, I am, indeed, awesome and pure and clean and amazing. If I still feel down, that's okay. Healing it's not linear, I shouldn't feel disappointed and frustrated, but if I do, that it's okay, and so valid. Do you understand me? If I feel frustrated it's okay, if I rationalize I shouldn't feel frustrated, but still do? That's okay! If being frustrated makes more frustrated that it's okay too.

I am so strong and resilient and smart, shit happens and I'm still small and vulnerable about so many things in so many levels, doesn't change the fact I am so much better now. I know things can't still hurt me, even way more than I first expected, even more than they should. Oh I've done so much worked so hard and still things affect me, and I hate it, and it scares me, and I hate it! But is not as scary as before. Things still are horrible, and probably they'll always be. But I'm not as scared as before. God even this many is helping me!!! It's OK, I will be OK.

For my next appointment I wrote:

Gross commercial, so, good rationalization trying to get over it not hacmve to be scared or weirded or angry or frustrated, now (in a rather familiar process) I get over all that somehow? Meet peace? No, from the creators of "Oh you are no longer ultra disgusted about that one thing bc actually you like it and you are the grossest" comes "Oh okay, but wathever growth you have after it is actually you growing from (being planted from) that disgusted thing. You are going to be better, or be better at navigating those 'gross overwhelming'? Great,  but don't forget that it is not you actually growing, but rather you basing all your whole future experience from that one gross thing. Oh, you're gonna consume media you love d3spite the disgust? That's because all you are now, all you are and do and enjoy has been born and molded from that gross thing. You wrote those angry things? Feel that way? Decided to change those other aspects? Well, regular people do that from heavy life experiences, or start from the things they love or, youbdid it from a gross thing, a very gross 🤢🤮 commercial, and that's gross and so lame 🤢 whatever comes now, whatever personal growth you have now it's going to be as a result/entirely based on that super disgusting thing which makes you so gross and so lame and 🤢🤢🤢 I mean what else to expect from someone as gross as you yourself🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

......

And I don't know, suddenly I'm so tired, but it's been nice, both the first annotations I did to talk with my psychologist, and the sharing-turned into reflections- that I did here on tumblr. IT'S STILL A PROBLEM AND I HATE IT AND I AM SCARED. But it's so much better than it used to be, I don't feel remotely as alone, or as condemned. And there is this peace, that even if everything went in the worst direction possible, eventually I will be okay, and be even better and stronger. Like with horror movies that actually horrorize me and scare me and ruin, literally ruin my life for days. Time goes on, I still hate them and fear them, but it's not as bad and the things I love and enjoy and I do and I am remain there. Goooooshhhh THERE IS STILL so much more I want to say and in so many ways but it's starting to feel repetitive, so, till next time.

It will still suck, but it all will be better, yes! Not just okay, but in general better and better than when they started. It is cycles and they go round and round, but ofc it's no just that. The cycle of bad and good worse and better it's not just repeating there in a place, that cycle, the cycle, does advance, with a direction and a magnitude, idk idk I'm too tired for now, but it's okay, it's fine and valid, and oh the horrors! Horrors that won't stop me tho.

(It fucking sucks and I hate, and it's not "Oh an opportunity to improve/ a space to reflect/ an instance to learn and get stronger OH IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT ITS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING THAT IT HAPPENED" No. NO, no and I fucking hate this and God why couldn't it just not fucking happened! But... since it did... and I have thing to say, well 🤷‍♀️ you know, goddammit... goddammit, just working with it, oh well, oh well. STILL HATE IT ALL, STILL BITCH MY BRAIN, STILL IT ALL SUCKS, BUT!!!: I'm doing what i can, and i am, still, a bitch to be ware about 😎)

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 I WOULD LITERALLY CUT DOWN THEIR DICK, WHAT THE FUCK🤺

(better ☺️)

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Rubbing my legs >:) like the grasshopper 😈😈😈 ehehehe

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Awwwwwgh it's like, so draining, having to just block and block and block when truly I just want to comment 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 and explain in detail to them why they are so stupid and stupid and mediocre and pathetic and disgusting and stupid and pathetic 😫 Hate the tumblr way sometimes 🥺 I'm tired, baby 🥺🥺. If you ever want to "🤮 talentless bitch, fucking burden to everyone around you" me, please go ahead ☺️ heal me 💆‍♀️

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Everything I do is performative, I'm desperate for friends and attention. I am desperate to have friends, I hate this lack of attention. I don't exist. "It's enough, to do it for me, for myself" It isn't, everything I do, every single thing, I do it in hopes of existing inside someone else's head.

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Everything is a cognitive dissonance to me, as of lately, and it's easy to find safety and solace in radicalization. I know, I know is everyone else around me that is so unbelievable stupid and hollow and is too mediocre to care about their own contradictions. I can't, give me someone either really coherent or a copy of my own convictions because babe, it's getting smotheringly lonely around here 😕

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

I FUCKING HATE SPIDERS I HATE SPIDER I HATE THEM FUCK THEM THEY SHOULDNT EXIST FUCKERS I HATE THEM SO MUCH DIE DIE DIE

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Very very unserious rambling, it's just This babygirl has lowered her dosage and is angry as fuck. Very personal and like individual, my very own experience that, obviously shouldn't and must not affect anyone else, but then again we just pixels on the waeb and just wanted to state that, you know, you know. You don't obviously uhhhh so jokingly let's say that ihmnm

Jaja, but seriously, I'm so enraged omg haha help I need to commit a crime :D haha no, but, for example, I feel like I could jump and bite off the entire face of the next m*n that catcalls me in the street, or something idk. I'm going, you know, haha ye knaowww, in a diy way, oopsies, but next appointment with the psychs I'll tell him and check what or what. I've always been very pro medication and all that, but God have I missed feeling this much, specially anger, bitch I'll break someone in half! Anyway anyway, I'll see how it goes, if thing turn too unmanageable or something I'll go back and all that, whatevs, it's just it is awesome to be this??? Crispy??? My parents are aware of it all today I told them, it was more like a you know, pay me attention, but!!! also don't you dare take too serious my upcoming outbursts or ramblers or all that. Off, idk idk.

Tmi: warningssss tmi: Cantwaittorubitlikeiusedtoandsoitactuallyfeelstoecurlinglikeinfanfictionandnotjustlikeamehrelease 😁 (no seriously, I miss coming, like, coming, like I'm alive, and is not just like sneezing and oh well thats it lets go to sleep (yeah yeah tmi, everything personal and in my tag is tmi me bad. Not really))

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

Read a fic so bad I had to like ooofff for a second. Great writing and story and all but like JFC IF THE READER DOESNT BIT OFF SOMEONES NOSENIMNGONNA AAAA. Not even very dark things get me like that like iooiiffff the bar was underground, and still ooooffff like, reader doesn't have selrespect or a spine or personality or anything, and idk. I can read things that bother me or hurt me or get me angry and that's it, life moves on. This one was so infuriating it wasn't enough with me leaving, I had to block the blog. No reason at all, I have no idea what kind of person the writer is or what else the blog had to offer or the super high chance I never ever even encounter it again, I had to block. As self care. And it was you know, agonizing, but whatever I also was hoping for some slap moment, some character development, some 'huh actually you know what' some tears, but it all just got???????? Oh they had make up sex, bland, mid, make up sex. Until the very end. Who cares? No one. Everything else was nice and omg fandoms and creators it's amazing and free and omg. Still I had to make this rant. Why? No one cares, well I do, my head could exploded with how stupid stupid stupid reader was idk I took it personal. Like okay, maybe not go so out of the fic style and put rat poison on the food or set the house on fire, nor even a good ol unharmful fist fight- but girl for the love of fucking God wtf. Yeah yeah, it's on me. I mean no, how could I know? I was waiting for the climax, thoirstily. And it came as mid sex. ((((((NEEDLES TO SAY OF CCOURS3 I DIDNT COMPLAINT OR LEFT COMENTS OR ANYTHIBG- OBVIOUSLY)))))))))) it did ruined my mood like I was on a binge reading of that character, and now I want to do ketamines or amthng idk. My point is, and remember kids, when you write something, remember that you can literally do it I whatever way you want, you can and should write/draw/ create anything you want and literally no one should hav3 a say in it. If they have a problem, they can rant like this, or chocke to death, wathever, life goes on. 👍😱😝😝😝