#it's unfucking believable they went that way

[feralnumberfive]

I am not caught up w the umbrella academy in the slightest but I'm okay with spoilers if it means there's Gross Shit Officially happening in the show- who is 5 kissing???

Five is kissing Lila! 😀

[mamawasatesttube]

💙💙💙

💙: Which character is not as hot as everyone else seems to think?

HA oh man. part of me wants to say bruce wayne (like i get it i've seen dan mora's art but that man also just spends all his time in a cave and should have eyebags the size of his cape. come on.), part of me wants to say dick grayson (i do think he's hot but i also think he's a hot mess. the "as everyone else seems to think" part is most relevant here. dc keeps pushing him as The Hot One or whatever and i just vehemently disagree. he's a freak and his hotness is not Like That yknow?? if you're ignoring that he's a freak to make him generically hot (staring at dc) that's incorrect. frankly the freakishness is a bonus that adds to the hotness in my opinion but what do i know. im a lesbian i literally don't go here but that doesn't mean i don't have TASTE.)

but my ultimate answer is tentatodd. ive seen a few people try to defend it but theyre WRONG!!!!! that thang is UNFUCKABLE and i will DIE on this hill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[allpiesforourown]

I'm sorry but omega harem member Shen Yuan AU now has me in a choke hold-

Like,

Binghe is trying to find the perfect way to seduce Shen Yuan, because god knows he needs a miracle to unfuck up his entire 'I don't care for you, its just political' situation

Universe does its thing and sends a wife plot, Shen Yuan gets poisoned with some fuck or die plant when helping one of the wives meet with their family in a very dangerous section of the demon realm.

Binghe hears about his omegas poisoning and jumps at the chance to finally get closer to his A-Yuan. this! This is familiar to him, he's saved his wives from all kinds of poisons and aphrodisiac fueled heats before, he'd fuck him so good and show how great of an alpha he could be to him.

Only when he makes it there, Shen Yuans already been serviced by his bodyguard Liu Qingge. (its LITERALLY his job to save and service this omega, of course he fucked the poison out of him)

Turns out the news had reached Binghe far too late to be put to any use, partly do to Shen Yuan begging the wife he had been helping when he was poisoned to not bother Binghe with it. He just doesn't want to force Binghe to take care of him! (Binghe had just gotten back with a new wife too! Imagine how pissed he'd be if he interrupted them!)

The wife takes Shen Yuans insistence and worry as him being terrified of Binghe so of course she couldn't bring herself to tell the demon emperor (as should have been protocol). And if she actively helped hide his condition then it wasn't like anyone would rat her out for it, at least not after she told them how scared Shen Yuan had been of his Alpha husband. (Cue them believing that Shen Yuans wedding night must have been traumatising or something) rumors only spiral when an omega will take dealing with a deadly poison over fucking their literal husband.

So by the time the news reached Binghe it had already been a day. Bonus points if he walks in on Liu Qingge still inside his husband who's completely out of it from being throughly ravished for 12+ hours on and off to get the poison completely out of his system.

The stand off would be prime tea for the harem but absolutely terrifying to anyone who actually witnessed it. Binghe seething as his temper flairs to record levels.

"under what authority did you decide you could take such advances with MY omega."

"It's my job."

"No. its Mine."

"I was told you wouldn't be here"

"Well clearly I'm here now."

"Now is too late. he'd have been dead by now."

"...What?"

"He was poisoned yesterday. He'd have been dead by now."

And Liu Qingge isn't even being judgemental, I mean why would he be, this is a part of his job and a very enjoyable one at that. But Binghe is crumbling mentally as he tries to piece together how things went so wrong: Why wasn't he informed immediately? How had this been kept from him? Was someone trying to kill Shen Yuan? And now he wonders HOW exactly had his omega gotten poisoned?

The impulsive thoughts come too, he wants this bodyguard fired. But if he fired the man who saved his omega now, it would only seem like he'd wanted Shen Yuan dead.

An even uglier, more desperate part of him wanted to purposefully poison Shen Yuan with a poison only HE could cure, to have Shen Yuan need him.

POISONING YOUR HUSBAND AS FOREPLAY .... God I love binggeyuan and liushen, just the most emotionally dense people imaginable falling for each other

[triassictriserratops]

I know we all love talking about jealous Katniss but I want to talk about jealous Peeta because reading the books now as an adult makes me realize how obvious he was about being jealous, he’s just not possessive or a jerk. Because it’s hilarious to me that he just keeps bringing stuff up that he’s jealous about but trying to be subtle. “I thought he was your cousin””she’s just mad because of her boyfriend” “is that really the only time you’ve kissed Gale”. Good grief, he brings up Gale more than Katniss ever does. But it also matches his character that uses words for everything. He just keeps bringing up stuff while Katniss is like WTF. Post marriage he doesn’t really get jealous but once in a while I’m sure there may be a minor thing here or there that makes him jealous and he brings it up during dinner to Katniss who is just focused on the food

Jealous Peeta absolutely FED me, It was NOT SUBTLE.

and we know there were a LOT more moments of jealousy than he let on. he makes a point of telling Caesar that he knew other boys liked her - so i imagine there was a bit of locker room talk and a LOT of Peeta biting his tongue and taking his frustration out on the mat instead.

(Once, he got a record-breaking - and SLIGHTLY arm-fracturing - win when one of the guys on the team talked, in detail, about what he wanted to offer Katniss as a trade the next time she came by his parents' shop.)

I fully imagine that Peeta was aware of, and HAAAAATED the fact that the two went out to the woods together. He NEEDED to believe they were cousins. Like, for his sanity. because he can't IMAGINE that Gale would actually fumble the bag by being alone with Katniss every single morning for 4 years and NOT making a move.

And Peeta was trying to undermine Gale, too. "I hear the girls talk about him a lot - baby girl, that man is a whore, i wouldn't do you like that."

no and then the HIJACKED jealousy???? UNFUCKING REAL. Every single barrier that boy put up for himself was GONE. ERADICATED. He was SEETHING with a jealousy he couldn't even really understand and just sitting at that table like:

So of COURSE he has to turn it around and try to make HER jealous. Make her realize how unimportant she is. He could have anyone. He could even take Annie.

"Fuck Everthorne and their star-crossed bullshit." (because he TOTALLY viewed them as star-crossed. Nobody believes in the existence of Everthorne more than Peeta Mellark)

"And fuck Katniss too, and NOT sexually (unless?...) No, FUCK HER (biblically???) NO."

Honestly, I personally don't see him getting jealous at all after "so after". Once she gives him the security and peace of saying the words - he'll never doubt her. Not once. And Katniss loves in an all or nothing way. And with Peeta, it's ALL.

If anything? It's Katniss. Post-marriage Katniss has a bow with the words "for trifling hoes that wish they could" etched into it. It's specifically her "that's my WIFE" bow and she's just ITCHING to use it.

That being said, while he may not be jealous Peeta is VERY competitive whenever Gale is visiting the district. For, like, the stupidest shit. Gale comes to town carrying a buck so he'll just go and move bags of flour, one in each arm, like it's nothing. (He's actually sweating HARD but he refuses to admit it)

[moesartblog]

Couple of arcane thoughts/critiques so I can move on from it and go back to doing my promare stuff

- they really screwed the pooch just letting the class issues just sorta fall to the wayside to do some sort of “there’s a bigger enemy so we gotta work together:)”

- it’s actually absurd that Jayce and viktor didn’t kiss lol idc

- caitvi was another thing that just kinda got fucked. I would have rather they went the direction of either: vi is basically fully on board with enforcer activities now, even if she doesn’t want to wear the suit, and her and cait are essentially antagonists toward the people of Zaun(including the complexities of their characters still, but they remain pretty clear antagonists), OR vi has a realization about cait, and gets back some of her revolutionary spirit (that she kinda just lost??) and just fully breaks up with her. The decision to have both cait and vi commit chemical warfare on the undercity under the guise of cleaning up the streets and then both getting a cuddly ending is very off putting. Not to say they didn’t go through shit later, but to end off their stories like that was not good, to me. (Idc about prospective future stories with them, I’m critiquing what we have now as a series end). There could be a direction where cait and vi both abandon piltover to fight for zaun but that’d take some serious work.

- vi is not butch simply by the fact that was was a cop, and then decided to continue dating a cop. I’m not gonna argue about this lol

- I do not begrudge anyone at all for getting a bad taste in their mouth about caitvi. That’s an oppressed person being paired up with their oppressor, and then becoming an oppressor themselves.

- I want to see viktor and Mel bonding over puzzle solving

- it didn’t escape my notice that many of the oppressed main characters in the show were white, and many of the higher class, or colonialist types were people of color, and there’s something especially egregious about making two dark skin black women the main beneficiaries of violent control over lower class people. Mel did end up going against her mother but is it not implied she’s taking up her mother’s mantle? And like we all know a system this corrupt cannot be changed from the inside. I really don’t have faith that the writers are going to dissect that aspect of the best they could do for the piltover/zaun conflict was “we defeated a common enemy and now you guys have 1(ONE) seat on the council. :))”

- god damn the fucking back and forth I’ve seen between people being homophobic against jayvik to like defend Mel’s honor(??) and the jayvik people who are being horribly anti-black about Mel’s character. The fucking anti-black racism from caitvi fans when people call out its toxic nature. Jesus Christ.

- I feel like what happened after Jayce and viktor went into the stone was they went SOMEWHERE else idk where, but also the “souls” or whatever of the people viktor turned also went there as well(at least that’s how I interpreted all those yellow silhouettes circling them. I also want to believe Sky ended up wherever they are now to so we can unfuck the fridging of a black woman for white guy pain lol. I wanna see viktor Jayce and sky rediscovering their love of discovery and inventing. Wherever they are they can try to develop a new sort of commune.

- in this other place, I’d rather see viktor have at least some of his structural disabilities come back into play. This new place they’re in they could develop into a more accessible way of living. It could also be that, as an example, salo is there and can no longer walk again, they all just have to learn to work with it. This isn’t super ironed out in my head.

- sevika should have ended up a revolutionary leader of zaun idc she shouldn’t be forced to sit on a council full of people who hate everyone where she’s from

- one of the creators trying to frame the division of zaun and piltover as two essentially equal opponents fighting each other I think really highlights the issues with the fundamental centrism of the series. And before I hear ppl being like “you expected the billion dollar game studio known for being terrible to be doing a revolutionary story line?” , I say even if you don’t expect a show to be doing more revolutionary political storytelling, it’s still important to point out these issues anyway.

- people who say “this can’t be copaganda they show the enforcers being shit so much!” Are just really trying not to understand how copaganda can operate. All it takes is “but don’t worry there are good ones too!” (Caitlyn??) To be copaganda. Copaganda isn’t just “we portray all the cops as good all the time” it’s “we still have faith in the institution of policing, even if some of them are bad meanies >:( “

- I don’t for one second buy that separate universe where piltover and zaun are now at peace with each other and the implication being that that lack of hextech is the cause. That is a reflection of a reality that simply does not operate the way actually oppressive structures operate. The elite will do what they will to maintain their hold on their power, whatever means they can. I’ve seen a lot of theories about like what other changes there might have been but it really all seems to boil down to “oh in this universe, no hextech, and the two sides talked it out :) “ like I was half expecting it do do a turn part way through and reveal that actually no there’s still major structural issues in the undercity, it’s just that this part (with ekko jinx vander etc) got a piece of the pie which I think would have been more interesting, and would have implied that yeah actually the issue is still the oppressive class structure, not a few random individuals actions. I liked the episode still but I wish they did something more interesting with it than just “this is the GOOD universe”. I think it would have also given ekko a better reason to return ultimately to his universe, or at least given the decision more weight but that’s just a personal opinion.

- I wanted to see Sevikas grief over isha even if it wasn’t super obvious

- when Mel walked out of that black rose building into that sunny field, I wanted so bad to see a spin off of her just adventuring around the world

- this has less to do with arcane and more with media in general but I’m TIRED of stories of scientists who end up corrupted by the work they do. Like every fucking time. I think it’s trying to parallel figures like Oppenheimer but like it’s always presented as an individual failing rather than a systemic issue with things like that, yet again. I mean like Jurassic park, the scientists hold some culpability but it was Hammonds weird rich person hubris that ultimately allowed it to unfold the way it did. That happens a lot irl too. There are scientists who can be responsible for heinous things, but we seem to conveniently forget who was funding these things to begin with.

[aughtpunk]

oo for the high qna! how many funfacts have you learned while doing research for your fics/personal stories? also do you have any scrapped ideas/concepts that didnt end up making it into the final cut of some of your stories for whatever reason? love ur work btw!

Oh gosh there's been so many things

I actually went to a gun range and learned how to shoot a gun for the sake of my writing.

I learned how to cook Korean Army Stew for a zine that never got published and now that's become my ultimate "it's cold and I feel horrible" meal during the bad months

I ate so many baked apples for my one Zelda fic and now I'm eating cinnamon rolls for the Heket POV

I have a certificate in Horticulture and I got to brush up on those old skills for my Leshycat fic so I could figure out how to unfuck the farmland

And oh boy did I put in a ton of research for the Kallamar POV fic. I had to research what the first microscopes were like, how penicillin was actually produced, how the first vaccines were done, like I did so much research that didn't even get into the fic at the end.

There's probably more stuff I've done for the sake of writing but that's all I can think of with my wiggle brain.

Scrapped content is rare for me because I am a big believer in recycling. A lot of stuff that gets cut out will end up in another story eventually. But I got a couple of things I've removed from stores.

For the fic Notes in a Line I had planned an entire laser gun battle at the convention Hana and Sombra meet at. It was going to be a massive battle between the Overwatch agents at the convention and end with Sombra and Hana at a standstill, guns pointed right at each other, neither of them willing to take the shot. It got cut after my four year hiatus because fuck I'm not writing that for a series I'm not really into anymore

Swords into Plowshares originally had Leshy and Lemmy bonding in a different way. Lemmy was going to find out that Leshy could identify any plant by eating it and Lemmy would just keep bringing Leshy more and more flowers to eat and identify. Then the sex update came out and I decided I liked them bonding over teaching and drinks better

Okay you know that scene in PNN where The Lamb brings out the record player for Shaun? My original plans had Kallamar showing up and him and Shaun awkwardly dancing together. It would turn out that Kallamar can't dance well (too many tendrils) and Shaun never learned so it ends up a complete disaster. It got cut because it messed up the pacing of the chapter. Sorry, no lamb and squid dancing.

[rosmerie-sleeps]

Omega strikers incorrect quotes (part 3!!)

(yes I’m going to make a new one each time a new strikers shows)

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Finii: Watcha doin? Vyce: Stealing my neighbour’s cat. Finii: Scandalous. Finii: Can I help?

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Luna: Don’t stay up all night, Atlas! Last time you got sleep derived you tried to eat your own shirt!

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Juno: You have to apologize to Asher! Luna: Fine! Luna: Unfuck you, or whatever!

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Estelle: So, are you two dating now? Kai & Era: Yes. Estelle: Why? Kai: I happen to find Era very appealing. Estelle: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Era.

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Era: Today at 7 am, X poured a Monster energy drink in his coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing. Kai: I watched X brew his coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think he’s ascended into the astral realm. Rasmus: The survivability of the human race never fails to amaze me. 💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Era: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Kai a little bit. AiMi, holding Era's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation. Era: No, that's our joint tombstone. AiMi: My mistake. 💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Zentaro, watching power lines fall down: AiMi, Finii! The town is exploding and it's very pretty!

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Vyce : Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies? Octavia: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials. Asher: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby. Atlas: Rock also defeats baby.

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Kai, about Rasmus: I could fix him, but honestly whatever the hell is wrong with him is way funnier. Rune: That's what any god probably thinks about me.

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Drek’ar : :) Rune: >:( Drek’ar : Turn that frown upside down! Rune: ):< Drek’ar : Not sure what I was expecting…

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Store Worker: Would a “Estelle” please come to the front desk? Estelle, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem? Store Worker, pointing to Juliette and Dubu: I believe they belong to you? Juliette and Dubu, simultaneously: We got lost. Estelle: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me—

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Finii: My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie.

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Rune: And now for a gay update with Estelle and Asher . Estelle: Getting gayer. Rune: Thank you, Estelle.

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Rasmus: Hey Estelle. Estelle: *punches Rasmus in the stomach* Rasmus: What the fuck? Estelle: You are one of my very best friends. And I cannot stand by and watch you throw away your life like this. You're too young... YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL! Rasmus: What the fuck are you talking about? Kai: hey guy- Estelle: I'm talking about the baby that's growing inside of your belly right now. Kai: See ya! *leaves * Rasmus: I'm not pregnant! Estelle: Well, not after that punch you're not. I've been taking muay thai classes. Rasmus: I was never pregnant, Estelle! Estelle: Are... you sure? Rasmus: Yes I'm fucking sure! Rasmus’s mom: I'm sorry, but why the fuck is everybody yelling over here? Estelle: Oh, I found this positive pregnancy test and - Rasmus’s mom: *punches Rasmus in the stomach* Rasmus: AW, MOTHERFU-

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Juliette: Can I have a private talk with you? Asher: Okay, as long as it’s not about tampons because I just don’t understand them.

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Asher: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this. X: I literally said “I have an idea,” and you just went along with it without question.

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Zentaro: Whoa, Luna, what’s up with that angry face? Luna: Finii won’t stop talking about how “Ancient Egyptians were furries”. Finii : But they were! Just looks at all their gods- Luna: Oh my god, SHUT UP!

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Finii : Tell Octavia off, Juno! Assert yourself! Juno: That's my ice cream! Finii : Good! Now let her have it!! Juno, handing Octavia the ice cream: Here, you can have it!

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Everyone is playing a board game together AiMi: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'. Zentaro : I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'. Luna: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'. Atlas: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'. Luna: *flips the board*

💌🎀☁️🌈✨🌛⭐️🌜✨🌈☁️🎀💌

Vyce : Dumbest scar stories, go! Dubu: Dubu! (I burned my tongue once drinking tea.) Juliette: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned. Luna: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. Asher: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn. Zentaro: I have emotional scars.

[dhaaruni]

there was this tweet on Twitter that went viral that was like “beauty standards for white women in the 90’s were so low can’t believe Jennifer Anniston and Sarah Jessica Parker were considered bombshells” and like what??? first of all Jennifer was considered a girl next door type of beauty not a bombshell and Sarah was constantly being mocked for being ugly (and the mocking was often related to her Jewish features), but more importantly in what universe were beauty standards in the 90’s low for women, when have beauty standards EVER been low for women??? why would anyone suggest “low beauty standards” are a bad thing like do you want beauty standards to be impossibly high??? and like idk there’s definitely a legitimate conversation to be had about how being considered beautiful is way more accessible to white women than woc and beauty standards are incredibly white centric but I feel like we can do that without being weird as fuck

RIGHT.

I personally think that Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Jessica Parker were both gorgeous in the 90s, like literally every guy in America had a crush on Rachel Green during season 1/2 of Friends and even her HAIRCUT went viral and was the most popular haircut in the country in 1994/1995 lol. And you're right, people have always been disgusting to SJP because of her Jewish features; there's literally an episode of Family Guy that ridicules SJP for having a "horse like" face!!

I agree there's a discussion to be had about how women of color face stricter standards for beauty than white women do, but it's not progressive or conducive to progress to like, call white women, even rich and famous ones, ugly and unfuckable. It's just misogyny and doesn't help anybody, least of all women of color.

[nightmaredxydreams]

theres no way i have this.

look, heres all the proof you need. im whining about not having DID lmao

who truly has DID and does that? no. body. thats all the proof you need

people who truly dissociate suffer from it. i dont. i love the numbness from my body that experiences so much discomfort (not even chronic pain not even pain like all other DID systems have just fucking discomfort, mostly caused by autism hypersensitivity) i love the feeling of being detached from my own flesh prison ugly undesirable embarassing body. i am fucking faking im prob psycho or sum shit lmaooo

i dont even dissociate that badly. other real DID and even OSDD systems be out here so dissociated they dont even fuckin know their name and feel like nothings real all the time. i never forget my name or personal information, i just forget what i just thought or zone out daydreaming or sum shit and say "whoops! i dissociated sorry" or if im lucky, have few seconds long derealization in little few day long episodes. i dont even fucking dissociate for real. definitely not enough to have DID

i never had severe trauma. i was too disabled and shielded. fuck, the disabilities i was born with prob mimic DID. brain damage to the hippocampus, a majorly affected part of the brain in DID put two and together lmao. who knows how psycho the brain damage made me. im autistic and intellectually disabled, all people with intellectual disability are perverts they get arrested for sex crimes more than other people lmfao ofc i was hypersexual at 3 there was no sexual abuse i am too ugly to be sexually abused or even desired ofc im faking being sexually abused to make me feel better about myself lmfaooo i just cant live with the fact i was born a worthless undesirable unfuckable ugly pervert

if i had DID i wouldnt fucking remember when i was 3 who tf u kiddin

im sensitive to yelling and the least little "threatening" tone or touch or even fucking hand signal. if i was really sexually abused id be triggered by sexual shit, not the least little thing like a trauma free scared little baby

if i had DID id switch out more, especially when triggered or in situations where it would help. idk if i even switch out, i prob js fall asleep, wake up and do shit in the early stages of waking up i dont remember. instead my alters are just back there and do nothing when im being retraumatized and i have to call out mentally loudly to get any alters to respond anymore. then just trying to communicate with them gives me a headache from hell. proof enough my alters are delusions and im some psycho. most of my "alters" are just vague faces with voices and not much of identity. most of them fade away. just like delusions.

i feel like im worthless unless i was sexually abused. my whole worth depends on it for some fucked up reason. i will get defensive toward the two people i live with who say it didnt happen, they arent honest all the time but when they say theres no chance it happened bc i was too shielded even tho i have memories of being alone w him (no abuse memories bc fuck no) i believe it and feel iffy when i even wonder if i was sexually abused. when i think about any other form of abuse i suffered or trauma i have, i feel like that means i wasnt sexually abused. i have no memories of it, i never did until someone pointed out that my hypersexuality at 3 was a sign of sexual abuse so i went diving for the memories myself. then what i got were a few random half ass flashbacks to the sexual abuse. if i was really sexually abused i wouldve had flashbacks to it waaay before i made myself remember. everyone else with ptsd, did osdd etc does

other people with DID feel broken and suffer because of their trauma. they remember it somehow and suffer from the effects of it. i just suffer from wanting to have the trauma to be valid, not knowing if the trauma happened and having things trauma victims have but no memories of the trauma. the only flashbacks i have are to things i deserve, things that other people would agree i deserve and arent anywhere near as traumatizing as it can get for a real sexual abuse survivor. things that dont cause DID and rarely cause ptsd. i have cringe ass trauma. i dont have valid trauma.

i dont really have DID and i wasnt sexually abused. i just held onto the idea as an excuse for me being a worthless, born broken, jealous, delusional psycho pervert who will never amount to anything, never matter enough to get a job, marry or have a family, never mattered enough to be smart or do normal kid things because of my disabilities, never got to be cool and wont be, am trying to be cool and matter when i never will, am so ugly my body doesnt deserve love and sure as fuck wasnt sexually desired as a little kid how fucking sick of me to even want that to matter, and dont matter because of my disabilities. im sorry for faking it all. no wonder my denial was so strong, it was never real anyway. now im gonna do some major fucking harm to my ugly waste of space and resources body and kill myself. im fucking sick and tired of living in hell from my own brain torturing me saying im worthless and not valid and more i cant say here. good fucking bye.

[thevioletdaffodil]

sometimes you just lay out your hands when they ask about everything. because it is everything.

it is all of it. everything. how do you unfuck everything.

it's too late,

bodies have been cremated and your blood went down the drain and the sixth floor saw things so you never go there anymore and you don't like the sun in the winter because she went to the roof one sunny morning, the first of december, 11 am and it was

the last time she ever saw the sun.

all your years whipped by like a blur and your daughters hate you with guilt making their feet heavy and you hate them to the point of erasing them out of your life, your hate resembling the friction between a racecar tyre and the track, and you hate your mother in a same, but older, more rotten flavour.

you can't point to anything at this point, because it is everything you need to unfuck, because everything comes crashing down on the world you fortified slowly with mud and grass and flower stems and grew apricots and laid yourself flat to make a bridge over a ravine, how you caressed and fed your ungrateful bastards like kittens each night and now they take your name with contempt, their tongues recoiling physically but the weight of their shamelessness outweighing it. it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough. you weren't enough. and you think of how you did this all alone, because someone who was there never cared till it came to the point of visiting hospitals and seeing saints. as if she was insane.

she was sick.

like a filthy bleeding open wound, a wounded little bird, but you treated her like she was something that came wrapped in plastic cling wrap, dropped from some dirty wartorn airplane and was breathed to life by a raggedy vacuum or something,

as if she wasn't the product of love and labour, as if her mind didn't shine when she spoke and thought, as if she didn't make your life glow almost unbearably, almost making everything worth it. almost.

but what do you do when the prize, when the circus animal is sick? it makes the ringmaster go insane. you only wanted her for her tricks, the laughs she generated when you shot her from the human cannon, the little ballerina dance she did for you, for the crowd. the thing is, you were never hers as much as she was yours. you never knew how much she believed that she came all wrong and crooked, like a cheap trick gift in the cling wrap, not your skin, your bosom, because you never reminded her how her body was made for your arms fitting right into place like a cap on the bottle's grooves. you never did. you never told her you wanted her. so she punished her beautiful bones for coming wrong and crooked, she punished her breath for working its way around you, she punished her little heart for wanting to come home to you, and most of all, she believed in punishing her body because it looked so much like yours, and you didn't want it. she truly believed you were beautiful, but because you didn't, what could she believe in anymore?

so now you think you have the right to cry over it, and sure you do. but she's done and she's gone. you saw her flying away on just one wing and you can only hope that she made it. she most probably died halfway and dropped her tired wounded bird body, gone as she believed she came to this world.

i believe,

god must look down on this world and sigh all the time. explains all of these warm breezes.

[hourglassian83]

Good morning! Goof like to wake up and automatically I am figuring shit out!

He does not waste a second for me. I hadn't even open my eyes and he is here, let's go take of the problem!

I haven't done besides get up and I already have something to say.

Goof decided this morning that he wants to being the Kust Because out of its center a bit towards the blue by helping me understand it.

Joe also had this problem too, but because he is gentle soul it went the same way as me.

It is qbout birthdays, but it also about other holidays as well.

When something like this happens on holiday, ours in that moment blank out, who ever it is gets sorta obsoleted and no reason shows up hecause most of time there isn't one, and we left with a underlying sickness that goes to the void. Enough times, it becomes the Just Because.

Now that I see it, it hits the black first bounces back towards the blue.

It's I want to do, what's the readon, none, black, then to the blue because I am in blue. It could switch over if I go red. It's based on personality.

Now, that I see it, it shoots like shooting off the black.

Now, I am to pause when my mind hits black I actually pause which gives me all day to think about if I want too. I can either accepted and whatever it or fire it to the jade blue.

Apparently, it can be unfucked in time if we are shown it.

Otherwise it's not free will. I wasn't even aware it could be mended.

The thing is about is this result of people and yet, Joe and I would be held accountable for the loaded gun that was placed into our heads.

People can say whatever about what may responsible for, but who put gun in the mind to start off with?

It is hotcase of people producing their own monsters and then acting like victim afterwards.

We got to start be much kinder each other. It is circus out with a bunch people who can just treat however they want and nothing should come from that. I mean, Helllloooo!!!

Btw, 0 0 0 towards you. I am just talking.

But now, Goof wiring my brain to see it as a tool for extra special something, something and something.

He wants to know at what percentage I want this at and recommendation is 100%.

(I can't believe that some people agrue this and some other things.... I mean.... Hellllooo!!!) Common sense here.

I didn't even give him the okay yet, he's like I already know, stay put.

I trust Goof and he is unscrambling my brain. Apparently, Suhaib touched down in every shade of color there is. It actually left imprint un my mind and I was seeing men with this overlay. So, Goof quedoing him out because it's not exactly freedom. That is a form of enslavement right there.

Two thing this morning, Ultra the Just Because in the blue and Scrub the Suhaib away!

I shall be back!!! Goof.

[theshadowsparrow]

Swamp of Sorrows - Part 4 FINALE

Sharn

Sharn grunted as she walked away, still aching from being tossed around like a rag doll by the undead dire troll. The thing had really done a number over her. And yet, the potion Theo had her drink was unlike anything she’d put into her body before. As a proud orc, she preferred fighting her own battles by her own merit. If she died, then so be it; she’d have died well. Still, her oath to Theo was left unfulfilled. So, she’d taken the unfucking believable delicious liquid down her gullet without a word, trusting him. The way her body had woven itself back together, sinew and bone healing itself without magic, had her wondering what bad omen he’s wrought over her this time.

Making her way to the edge of the room, she nearly lost the contents of her empty stomach when she walked up to one of the piles, finally seeing what Theo had earlier. Sharn didn’t care about the stench. Her mother was from the Laughing Skull clan. Body parts randomly showing up and tossed into a corner of ‘home’ being told it was ‘food’ before hearing the laughter is how Sharn swallowed the stomach bile down. She released a grappling hook high into the recesses of the ceiling, trying to find some place for it to hook. It took a few tries but the third attempt finally stuck. Testing the grip, Sharn swiftly tugged her way up into the crook of the wall before climbing and doing as Theo asked- finding the air ducts and plugging all but one up. Shouldn’t be hard. Hell, most of them should be plugged up for her after this shit hole had been left to rot for so long.

But then, where had all those bodies come from?

Theo

This fucking place had been trashed and it pissed him royally the fuck off. Whoever had put the Gurubashi dire troll here had signed their death warrant. Worse than that. He’d personally ensure that their soul wouldn’t pass on. In fact, their soul would be ripped to so many fucking shreds that each tiny thread would be in such eternal torment, there would be no single moment of release, no reprieve to even be able to beg for mercy. Even then, Theo wouldn’t be satisfied. Beyond death wouldn’t be good enough for him for the person responsible for violating one of his safe houses.

“How the FUCK had they gotten in here?”

He shifted through the debris, kicking whatever was in his way or moving rubble off in layers as he went about it. Despite the rage that rolled in tsunami waves through his flesh, he took great care not to cause further destruction lest he ruin any sort of evidence he might recover. None of the furniture had survived. Not one single fucking piece was intact. Theo was well aware that daylight was burning, knowing what that meant for them once the sun set in the Swamp of Sorrows. The countless souls who had perished trying to cross the bogs never left the area, left to rise and wander come sundown. Anyone thinking to be left camping in the area outside a few safe areas were damn fools. Then again, Theo thought to himself with a wicked smirk beneath his covered face, he was one of the biggest fools of them all.

“Hurry the fuck up!” Theo barked while moving deeper into the chamber.

With a rise of shoulders, he heaved a hefty sigh, emptying his lungs until he felt the low weight of his body struggling with the lack of oxygen. The task he was about to set for himself was not going to be pleasant, but necessary. Not until the trigger for survival hinted would he then begin the slow inhale while sniffing the air. It would mean taking in ALL the scents of the room. Theo prided himself on not having a scent to himself, or rather smelling like his surroundings that he either left no trace or he blended so fucking well he got away with so much shit. The decay, the near exploding bodies, the dust, all the mold, the feces and piss from the undead dire troll, bone dust, and finally… Theo’s keen sense of smell as well as a part of him, deep inside tingled upon something. His head turned towards a torn apart desk and headed for it. Leaping over a swollen leg, a skull with a shriveled eyeball dangling out by the thick optic nerves sitting on top of several other bodies, he has to wonder if they fell into the place or if someone came here to feed the big fucker. There hadn’t been any traces of someone opening that door up top but a portal or…

“… warlock fucking gate. MOTHER FUCKER!”

Theo knew what he’d find even before tearing the desk away from the ground where it’d landed after the battle, shoving it to the side. There, along the stone, were the remnants of the outline. Evidence of the fucking shadowgate. The smell of sulfur still lingered in the air and whispers of shadow magic clung to the floor near his feet. Theo instantly backed up a step and hissed through clenched teeth. He drew out a blade and a small pouch before lowering down to a knee. Taking the greatest of care, Theo began scraping along the stone along the outline his eyes could decipher.

“Either you’re a careless sonofabitch, or you want me to find you. I hope it’s the latter. Been awhile since I’ve planted a warlock’s head on a spike.”

Sharn

The orc covered her mouth with the crook of her elbow, hacking up her lungs while dirt and dust fell from the air duct above her. She clung with the other hand, fingers curled around the grooves within stone. Muscles ached while flexing to support her weight but she could handle it. Sharn lived for shit like this. Once the debris stopped shifting and falling, she wiped it off her face and took a glance up. This was the largest by far that she’d come across. All she had to do now was get it clear. That’s not what was bothering her.

“Boss? We’ve got a problem.”

No answer. What the hell, Theo. Sometimes the elf was no help at all and Sharn felt underpaid. No, that wasn’t true. He always made good on the arrangement made prior. That was on her, never negotiating properly before accepting the jobs he offered her. Slippery fucking elf. The problem was the many sets of red eyes glowing down at the top of the air duct at ground level.

“Don’t you fucking look at me. I killed two of your kin already. You want to join them? Try fitting down the chute and see whose odds are better… bitch,” Sharn taunts the spiders above. Chittering and a hissing comes from the openings of their mouths where the fangs are. She has to move quickly as venom drips down in their anger. Did they really understand her? No fucking way. All of a sudden, she could hear clicking and movement coming down the air duct. There was no chance one was gonna stuff its fat body down the chute. Keeping her eyes squinted, Sharn dared a peek up the opening and she yelped before instantly moving away. Hundreds of tiny spiders were headed her way.

“Incoming, boss!!!” Sharn bellowed out only to get what she thought was something along the lines of ‘handle it, I’m busy.’ “… FUCK! Okay, think. What would Theo do? What would mom do? Eh heh.”

The orc tore her hood off her head and placed it between her mouth. Next, she pulled out a flask from her pocket. It had miraculously not been tossed out. The spiders were nearing. Her eyes looked towards the air duct and she could see a few of them nearing the ceiling. She had to act fast! Dropping the flask, thighs closed fast to catch it. They failed her but her boots managed to grab hold just in time. Using her blade, she wrapped the damn hood up in it before touching the oil soaked material near the line of fire that lit up the chamber. It flared instantly up causing her to look away but she didn’t hesitate to push her blade into the air duct. The scream of tiny spiders wasn’t something she’d forget any time soon as the sound of her giggles began pouring out of her lips.

The spiders backed away, but they were many. With her feet holding the flask, Sharn flexed her abs and rocked herself to shake the oil upwards and splash the contents up at the spiders. One sweep of her makeshift torch set any touched by the oil ablaze. More hisses and the pungent of sizzling spiders filled her nostrils.

“Smells like dinner to me, eheh. You want more? I told you not to fucking come down here!”

The spiders on fire dropped down onto the ground below, writhing in the final throes of their death. The larger spiders above screamed out their fury above, helpless to do anything about it. That just made Sharn laugh even louder, feeling part of her heritage blossoming within. Every time she tossed a bit of oil up and each sweep of her ‘torch’ took more out. They had to get past her if they wanted to enter the chamber. Sharn was unrelenting and seemed to delight in their demise. A few clicking sounds from above and the spiders reluctantly began retreating.

“Aw, you’re leaving me? We were just starting to become friends!”

Theo & Sharn

“You done playing up there? We need to go.” Theo was done gathering up the evidence he needed for a hunt he’d later pursue. Watching Sharn dangling like a goddamn monkey from the ceiling toying with lethal spiders was amusing and all but they didn’t have time for this bullshit.

“Huh? Oh yea. I was just finishing up. All clear!” Sharn waved her dagger, dislodging her burning hood whose material didn’t seem to diminish despite the flame. She released herself and slipped out of view for a moment. Theo knew she’d reappear close by, already starting to head for the other room from where they’d entered from.

“How are you gonna clear the place, boss?” Sharn inquired, reappearing hot on his heels, having shadow stepped in midair.

Theo quirked a smirk, not looking back as he kept on walking, already at the staircase. He was taking the steps two at a time. “You’ll see. And if there’s a spider army waiting outside for us, I’m not going to be happy.”

Sharn sighed, nodding. They both slipped into the shadow plane as Theo depressed the lever to release the door that locked up this place. It made her wonder how many of these safe houses he had. This was the fifth one she’d been brought to and none of them were even close to the other. It made her wonder who the fuck he was, really. Sharn returned her focus to the sounds of the swamp instantly sharpening with the stone grinding coming to a halt. Both of them shot outside to see what awaited them. Nothing.

Theo turned his head to the side to simply give a glance back and gave Sharn a single nod. Both parted in opposite directions as they made a sweep of the area to see if the coast was clear. Their dinghy was still tied to the dock. That was a good sign. The dead bodies of the animals they’d killed upon arrival were gone, telling them others had stopped by and took the free meals. Sharn made a wider sweep looking for tracks while missing her hood already. She’d forgotten her spare.

When Theo came upon some slightly singed earth, he stopped and peered down a hole that he could fit done. The air duct. Two fingers set to his lipsl and he hailed Sharn with an intricate whistle that sounded like one of local tallstriders, but quick. The orc swiftly made her way over and they both peered down inside.

“So?”

“You ready for this shit?”

“I’m not getting any younger here, boss.”

“That’s for fucking sure.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Theo slipped back onto the normal plane of existence and reached into one of many of his pockets. Sharn really wanted to catch him out of his armor to examine it, just once. The elf produced a small glass bottle with a goblin label that had a name scratched out before someone had scribbled: ‘aw fuck it, blow ‘em all up.’ Her eyes widened as she looked to her boss on the shadow plane still, covering his back. What was he about to do?

With the utmost of care, Theo pulled the cork free of the silver, black powder inside. Gently, he began to pour it down the air duct at a slow rate. He also blew downward so that it wouldn’t come back into his face. Each time he came close needing to inhale, he’d pause the pouring and finish the contents of air in his lungs before filling them back up. Only then did he proceed until all the contents of the jar were gone. Theo stood up and he gave Sharn a wicked glance. Sharn watched Theo put cork back onto the bottle and the glass vessel disappeared back into a pocket. What came out was a lighter and her eyes went wide. She instantly came out of the shadow plane.

“Boss, what if it collapses?”

“If that fucker couldn’t bring the house down, nothing can.”

flick

Sharn reached out across Theo, trying for the lighter but the slippery elf was too quick for her. The lighter was dropped down the air duct and her instincts kicked in, forcing her to turn on a heel and start running. In the wake of her back turned on him, she could hear Theo’s dark chuckles ringing loud in her ears.

whoooosh

Theo was running right beside her and shoulder checked her, right into a log at her feet. Sharn stumbled and cursed at him. Theo laughed harder as he gained distance ahead of her.

“You fucking cheat!”

“No, you just are never prepared.”

Behind them, the sudden inferno that blasted out of the air duct sent off enough heat that she felt as if her armor might melt into her skin. The force of energy made the ground rumble at their feet and the impact hit them until they both tumbled into the shadow plane. All around them, the wild creatures came to life with sounds of protest and moving rapidly out of the area. All of the air ducts now of his safe house were shooting out pyres of fire as everything below ground in the chambers burned. But not the walls. Not the structure. Those warlocks he’d paid to build the place had done their job well. Just as his guess was they’d been the ones to take it back. He’d find out, his evidence safe on him

The two ran before laughing as they circled back towards the dingy. It would take almost an hour for the powder to run its course and everything within to burn to nothing. They boarded the small boat while the heat kept everything in the vicinity away. As Sharn pushed off with Theo sitting there like a fucking Sin’dorei king, arms crossed and legs kicked out casually, she had to give it to him. He had balls. Every job left her feeling glad to be alive.

“So what now boss?”

“Now, we get it ready for a very special guest.”

Fin

[summertimesadnessirl]

They can't even fire Clarence Thomas, counselors, I think yall need to read the news once in while instead of all those checks you get from rich people who are currently shitting themselves.

Getting rid of jury nullification would take like years. There's a decent chance it would require a constitutional amendment. It would literally change the whole way our legal system worked. The whole point of trial by jury is that a group of random citizens have to believe you violated the law and deserve punishment. It's not like... some kind of little obscure loophole in the system like it being illegal in some states to eat apple pie Ala mode without a slice of cheese.

Literally it's just "the jury decides if the defendant is guilty and the defendant can't be tried again for the same offense if they were found not guilty."

You would literally have to convince everyone on the Supreme Court "fuck trial by jury, actually." That would take years.

Even the far right guys who got rid of abortion have literally been working to get rid of abortion nonstop with all the might of their brainwashed hordes of miserable unfucked middle class Christian housewives with no proper outlet outside of letter writing campaigns and holding up slut shaming signs at planned parenthood. And it took over 30 years to get Rowe V Wade overturned.

They could potentially try to get Luigi on another crime, similar to how the family of Nicole Brown Simpson sued OJ Smith and he lost the civil trial and had to pay damages to the family but didn't do jail time for murder. Or if his rich parents didn't have money to buy him a plane ticket so he can leave the country and live in like Australia or someplace, they could try to stalk him and have the cops make his life super hard by constantly coming down on him for minor offenses or "reasonable suspicion" stuff like pulling him over while driving, demanding to search his belongings for weapons, etc. Someone could launder something like swatting or doxxing or online harassment using fake accounts on socials to encourage people to call the cops with anonymous tips about him planning more crimes, or to antagonize him in public wherever he went until he did something minor like shove someone off him or shout at people and get him for that. He's disabled and his family own a large house so he could avoid a lot of that by chilling at home but he could avoid a lot more if leftists abroad who support him are able to help him to move there when it becomes legal for him to do so.

But he will be an old man by the time they get rid of jury nullification.

Fucking sleazeball ass. They should take away your law degree for that one. I'm a fucking drop out dominatrix and I know that. I hope they gave you like, enough money to put your kid through like 3 years of college to put your name on that fucking misleading ass shit you fucking hack. I hope William Shakespeare curses you with having to write all your legal documents in iambic pentameter.

What about when the police murder people in broad daylight and get away with it? That happens countless times. If the police can be investigated by their own buddies, then Luigi Mangione should be investigated by his own buddies too.

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 330

The Lying Detective

“The Lying Detective”

Plot Description: Sherlock goes up against the powerful and seemingly unassailable Culverton Smith - a man with a very dark secret indeed.

Oh. Is John’s therapist the secret Holmes sister??

Ayo fuck John. I mean, at least he knows leaving his daughter with friends is shitty behavior, though, i GUESS

Right. He WAS the Dream Lord, and now he’s gonna alter the memories of his closest friends to forget wherever he’s about to tell them

His daughter was the one writing down all the info he was telling them? Fair

I almost thought he imagined the daughter…actually that remains to be seen. We know how Sherlock can be

Why are we constantly intersplicing commercials for Dream Lord??

I know Sherlock is guessing romantic relationship but what if the daughter still lives at home???

“Everything’s about Sherlock” well, it IS his show, so….

Omg IS he imagining the Dream Lord’s daughter?? You can really tell I haven’t watched these episodes since they aired

Oh wait…is the “daughter” his sister?? I just vaguely remember this bit being important like that. They want me to believe she was imaginary, but I’m pretty sure the woman Sherlock walked around London with all night wasn’t the daughter of Culverton Smith, it was his sister

Oh, cool, Smith is a serial killer, apparently

Omg this is just really bad tv. I miss seasons one and two…

SHE (Mrs Hudson) PUT SHERLOCK IN THE TRUNK OF HER CAR AND SPED OVER TO JOHN’S?!

“I don’t know anything anymore” same, John. I don’t care that or how Sherlock can predict the future, and I’m very uninterested in the melodrama of Sherlock’s drug usage

Thing is, of course Sherlock will end up being right because it’s his show…but because we’re closing in on the worst episode, there will be consequences

Why is Smith asking everyone how long they’ve worked for him??

I bet she’s not gonna look anything like the woman who Sherlock met. Well, she looks SOMEWHAT like her

Eugh, this actor is really good at the kinds of characters he plays but I don’t like those characters

This isn’t even remotely interesting to watch. Did I find this episode THIS bad when it aired??

Why are they so mad at Mycroft? He’s literally trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with Sherlock, too. Don’t call him a reptile, Mrs Hudson. He DOES care even if he has a stupid way of showing it

Eugh…he went down this path where he was basically given weeks to live so John would save him so he could keep a promise to a video of John’s dead wife to save John

The “daughter” wasn’t imaginary, Sherlock. She was your sister

How did I manage to move and make a small grunting noise just a second before Sherlock’s text notification (specifically the one Irene Adler recorded for him) went off?

The amatonormativity happening “romantic entanglement, while fulfilling for other people—“ “will complete you as a human being” Are starting and ending this episode with a “fuck you, John”?? I get you’re grieving but that doesn’t mean that Sherlock has to get into a relationship

God, I almost forgot about the emotional cheating John did. Fuck you, John

The Mary in John’s head is a lot nicer to him than I would have been

People, stop trying to fuck the Holmes brothers. They’re unfuckable (not derogatory)

I think the only somewhat clever part about the reveal of the secret sister is that John believed it was a secret brother and in the pilot Sherlock had guessed John’s sibling Harry was his brother…but Harry is short for Harriette. And this is my reasoning for there to never ever be another season of this show ever again

[the-blind-assassin-12]

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT! This was a RIDE!

Me at the start of this chapter vs me at the end of this chapter:

Rachael, you made me fall in fucking love with this grumpy man over the course of this part, AND THEN! You went! And BROKE MY HEART with that ending!! I know there’s still more to come (and I am so damn glad that there is because they definitely need to unfuck this mix up) but for now I am just 🥺

THEY GOT SO CLOSE! AND COMFORTABLE! SO INTIMATE!!! And he even opened up to her in ways that he hasn’t before. The two of them on the couch was perfection. I read that entire part with a huge smile on my face.

Oh, also? Pero sure can smooch, huh??? Like, SIR. Take my breath away any time or place.

And then as soon as things were looking too good to be true you said HAHA THEY ARE and dropped the old contract like an anvil through that poor man’s (and mine!) chest. 😭😭😭😭😭 I can’t imagine what he’s feeling after reading that. I can’t imagine being in Readers position and having him believe (even if it’s just a knee jerk reaction) that it was all just a job. William better show him the real contract right quick because 😖 his heart. His heart, Rachael!

Ugh I can’t believe you made me feel so deeply for this absolute grumpus but I’m so glad you did and I can’t wait for the final part!!!!

A Wonderful, Awful Idea / 3

Pairing: Pero Tovar x Female Reader (Modern AU)

Word Count: 8,953

Summary: Learning more about Pero - and his motivations is eye opening. Not only does it give you a better understanding of him as a man, but it makes a great deal of his behavior make sense.

Moving forward never comes without a few setbacks, though.

Rating: M: language. (warnings: talking about childhood trauma, Pero's injury, bullying, Pero and William's work - nothing in detail)

Author's Note:

Sorry this took so long to get out, but it's here now so please enjoy. I thought this would be the last part ... but in true Rachael fashion, it isn't. Hope you don't mind extending the holiday season into mid January.

The title comes from Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Thank you for reading, and happy holidays!

*dividers by @/strangergraphics

You placed the order as he drove, and by the time you’d arrived at Pero’s place, everything was in motion. It would take just under an hour to get delivered, which gave you some time to talk. He led you inside, guiding you with one hand on your back. “It is not much, but it is mine.” 

Even though he’d told you it was two bedrooms, it was smaller than you anticipated based on what you knew about him. But it’s perfect for a single person. “It’s cozy.” Turning around in a slow circle, you unzipped your jacket as you spoke. “I really like it, Pero.” 

The walls were light, but almost everything else was dark - furniture, shelving and window coverings included. He had a comfortable looking recliner on one side of the living room, and a large couch on the other, sitting just behind what looked like an antique wooden coffee table. Another quick look around revealed a dining room table large enough for two, a small kitchen with a set of pots and pans hanging from hooks on the wall, and a door that likely led out to a patio and the back yard. 

“I use the second bedroom as an office.” He showed you down the hallway, pointing out the bathroom and his bedroom, both of those doors pulled mostly shut. “William tells me I need to get a cat to keep me company.” 

“You should.” You turned around to look at him. “I think a cat could break through even your grumpiness.” He wrinkled his nose but didn’t disagree, instead pointing you back out and toward the living room. “And you could leave a cat alone for a couple days if you ever went out of town, too.” 

“That would be good.” He went into the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?” You did, but instead of asking what your choices were, you went into the kitchen to look yourself, peering over his shoulder and into the refrigerator. “I have wine. That would be -”

“Pero.” You rested your hand against his back again, feeling him stiffen briefly at your touch. “Look at me for a second.” He stood back up and spun toward you, his eyes betraying him: he was nervous. “I don’t expect anything from coming here.” Taking a deep breath, you continued. “If you don’t want to talk about what happened at my house, we don’t have to. If you don’t want to talk about what I said earlier today to Christina, we don’t have to. You invited me here for pizza, and that -”

“I want to talk about those things.” He stepped closer, one hand rising to rub at the back of his neck. “I want to talk about them very much. But I also …” He reached for you with his other hand, Pero’s fingers sliding up the length of your arm before he settled his palm against your shoulder. “I also want to kiss you, if you’ll let me.” 

“I’ve been waiting all fucking night for you to do that.” He moved first again, stepping forward to push you back against the edge of the counter as his arms went around you. Pero held you close and paused just before he kissed you, inhaling through his nose. “Pero.” You whispered his name and that was all he needed. 

His kiss that time was purposeful, the ends of his mustache tickling your upper lip when your mouths met. You put your hands against his sides, urging him to stay close. Finally. Pero groaned, the sound low, and when you heard it you felt your fingers curl. That noise. “No.” He backed away, shaking his head. “No, we haven’t…”

“This answers one of my questions.” You took as deep a breath as you could. “My porch, it wasn’t … you don’t regret it.” 

“I don’t.” He shook his head slowly. “I have not stopped thinking about it … about you since that night.” Pero’s hands dropped to your waist. “When you turned around to look at me, I almost … I almost rushed forward again.” 

“I did too.” You laughed quietly, closing your eyes. “I wanted to. But I didn’t want to scare you. I figured I’d already gotten lucky enough with a kiss that if I pushed my luck, it would … not end well.” 

“I told you I am not good at this.” He wet his lips, dragging his tongue slowly over them. “I don’t like … it isn’t easy for me to tell people how I feel.” It was a gamble, but you decided to go for it. 

“Then don’t tell me.” You leaned in, turning your head so that you could softly press your lips to his bruised cheek. “Show me, Pero.” You’d have plenty of time to talk afterward - and you wondered if Pero would be more open to talking once he knew for sure that you had actual feelings for him, too. 

“Show you?” You nodded, meeting his eyes again. “Really?” 

“Yes.” Reaching up, you pushed the hair back from his brow, guiding it behind his ear. “I’ve got a feeling that there’s a lot more in there waiting to come out, and I think you’ve been holding yourself back.” You were right - you could see it in his eyes and feel it in the way he carried himself. But I don’t want him to. “You don’t have to ask my permission to kiss me. If I didn’t want you to, you’d know.” 

“And you don’t have to approach me like I am a scared animal.” He frowned, brow furrowed. “You always hesitate before you touch me. It is not necessary.” 

“I’ll remember that.” Stroking the back of his neck, you took a deep breath. “Might take me some time to get used to it because I’ve had to keep my distance for so long, but …” He ducked his head, lips finding the edge of your jaw. “Oh, you…” Pero kept going, lips trailing over your skin toward your chin and then up, his mouth landing on the corner of yours before he paused and then turned his head inward. “Pero, please. I’m going to lose my mind if you don’t -”

He didn’t keep you waiting. Pero’s lips crashed into yours, and that time, they were already parted. Finally. Finally, it’s… You opened your mouth, too, and even though you’d vowed to let him lead, you didn’t think twice before you flicked your tongue against his lip and then past it, Pero’s meeting it immediately. 

You’d started the kiss, but he deepened it, moving his hands from your waist up so that one of them was flat against your back and the other curved around the back of your head. He tasted like the coffee he’d had as you left the venue, and when you sighed into the kiss, he took the opportunity to graze your lower lip with his teeth. 

You tightened the fingers you had in his hair, and that made Pero growl, the sound accompanied by another swipe of his tongue against yours and then more teeth, that time biting down and not letting go right away. “How is that?” He broke the kiss to breathe, but didn’t back away, instead dragging the tip of his nose along the side of yours. “For showing you?” 

“It’s a good start.” You fought to catch your breath, too, letting your hands fall to his shoulders. “Fuck, Pero. I have no idea how you don’t have women beating down your door after kissing them like that.” He laughed then, finally stepping away and crossing his arms. “Why is that funny?”

“You think I kiss everyone like that?” He shook his head, eyes locked with yours. “Not a chance. That is the result of it taking this long to kiss you for the first time.” You laughed too, and reached for him, pulling him into a tight hug. “And now you have made good on what you said to Christina today.” He winked at you, and your response was to close your eyes and groan. 

“I shouldn’t have said that. I just didn’t like her assuming …” Shit. You trailed off, feeling like you’d overstepped again while apologizing for overstepping earlier. “I have no right to assume anything either, but it was just … I couldn’t stop myself.” 

“I don’t want you to.” He reached for you, using one finger to tip your chin up to bring your head level. “I’ve never had anyone do that for me before.” He frowned briefly, but it was more contemplative than anything else. “Claim me? It… I was not expecting it.” His lips lifted into a smile - small but genuine - and he continued. “I liked it.” 

It made you feel better, especially since you knew how difficult it probably was for him to admit that to you. “That’s good to know.” You reached out, taking his hand and linking your fingers together. “Can I be honest with you?” He nodded, flexing his fingers. “I think it would be really easy to get carried away with you. I think that if I got the chance, I’d like to let that happen.” He smirked at your words, but didn’t speak. “We only have one more event together before your assignment ends, and then who knows what you’ll have to -”

“Unless there’s an emergency, we’re done from Christmas Eve through the first week of January. William and Lin are going on vacation.” He gestured to the living room. “And I planned on staying on that couch and doing absolutely nothing for as much of that time as possible.” Pero said your name. “Unless you wanted to see me then. I know you agreed to three “dates” but -” 

“Yes.” You pushed off of the counter and closed the distance between you again. “I would like that.” And… “I’ve also got some time off and a very comfortable couch in my house that you can use, too.” The smile that lit up his face felt like an early present, and you returned it immediately. I wish he’d smile more. Maybe I’ll be able to make it happen. “The food will be here soon, won’t it?” 

He looked over his shoulder and at the clock on the stove. “It will. Where would you like to eat?” 

“It’s your house.” He stepped away from you and back toward the refrigerator. “You choose.”

“Couch. Then we can put on the TV.” He pulled out the bottle of wine. “If I drink some of this, I will still be able to take you home. But if you’d rather I didn’t, I -”

“I trust you.”   You pointed. “But I also want some water.” He nodded, and as the two of you headed back into the living room, you realized that even though having someone in his house wasn’t common for Pero, he was handling things well. And when you told him as much, he sighed, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. 

“It is very … I’m surprised I am this comfortable with you here.” He held out his other hand, motioning for you not to interrupt before he finished. “Are you comfortable?” 

“Pero, we just made out in your kitchen for a solid ten minutes. Yes I’m comfortable here.” He held back a smile at that, but only barely, and it made you buzz with happiness. “I do have a question for you, though.” He gestured for you to take a seat on the couch and then sat next to you, leaning back against the pillows. “You realize that Christina was hitting on you earlier, right?” He nodded slowly, mouth set in a thin line. “And that proves that women are interested in you… like, beautiful, successful, women?” 

“Her success does not matter to me.” He frowned. “And there is a difference between being interested in me and being interested in me keeping her safe.”

“You offered to protect me if I ever needed it, and I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t… appealing to me.” You rubbed your hands together, looking around the room. “But she wouldn’t have kissed you like that if she wasn’t attracted to you. You have to know that. I think… I think you’ve spent so long convincing yourself that everyone else must feel a certain way about you that you actually believe it’s true.” 

“Maybe.” He took a deep breath. “But it changes nothing. I don’t want to stop working with William. I don’t want to leave home for months at a time. And I would never kiss someone I worked for. It is unprofessional.” 

“But you don’t really work for her now.” You looked down at your hands, hating the uncertainty that filtered into your voice. “And after the party, you won’t, so -”

“I have no interest in Christina aside from finishing the job we were hired to do.” Pero reached over, using two fingers to tilt your chin upward. “And you know very well just how … difficult it can be to change my mind.” He smiled at you, the expression softening his features. “How long did it take you to do it?”

“Years.” You bit your lip. “I know I’m being stupid, Pero. But this is still so new, I can’t help it.” He opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, the doorbell rang. “Pizza’s here.” He closed his eyes and nodded, pulling his hand away before he stood. 

“Plates are in the kitchen, above the sink.” 

Even though you talked while you ate, the conversation stayed light, and never circled back around to what you’d been talking about in the kitchen. Pero told you about jobs that he and William had worked, and you told him about some of your coworkers - and more about yourself. It happened naturally, work stories leading into revealing more about yourself outside of the office, along with telling him about your family and friends. 

He listened intently, giving you time to talk while he chewed through mouthfuls of pizza, but Pero said very little about himself, even though you left it open for him to do so. And though you wanted to give him time and space to only tell you what he was comfortable with, part of you wondered if he’d only elaborate if he was directly asked questions. 

So once the plates were cleared and the leftovers were in the refrigerator, you and Pero got comfortable on the couch again, the TV playing quietly in the background. “You said you were born in Spain?” He nodded, fingers smoothing over his mustache. “How’d you end up here then?” 

“It is a long story.” He paused, shaking his head. “No. That is a lie. It is a short story that I do not tell many people.” Pero sat up, putting his hands on his knees. “My birth parents were very young when they had me. They were not ready to be parents, and could not keep me. I went through a few different homes over there, and none of them worked out. I ended up coming here when I was almost 11.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “The couple that adopted me were … they gave me everything, but they could not give me friends.” Pero looked over at you, a sad smile on his face. “I tried very hard to make the other kids like me, but it did not work. They avoided me. They teased me. As I got older, I began doing foolish things, just for attention.” 

“Pero, you don’t have to -”

“No. You should know. If we are going to …” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was only sixteen when some classmates dared me to go into a building that had been closed off. It was very dark and I did not have a flashlight.” Pero wet his lips. “I think they planned to have someone inside to scare me, but I tripped and fell. I hurt myself badly.” He pointed at his face, making a slashing motion with his fingers. “I should have lost my eye. But I didn’t. And afterward… I just did not care anymore whether or not they liked me or talked to me.” 

“Oh, Pero, that…” Reaching over, you put your hand on his knee, squeezing it. “Kids are the worst. There’s no one more cruel than a high school kid.” He didn’t say anything in response, and for a few moments, the two of you sat in silence, thinking. You tried to imagine teenage Pero, attempting to make friends in a new and strange country. You wondered what had happened after the dare - if the other kids had felt bad, or if they’d apologized, or if they’d just gone further in their dismissal of him as he healed, making him more of an outcast. He didn’t deserve it. “When did you meet William?” 

“After I graduated, I did not want to go to college.” He scoffed. “My parents gave me the option, but they just wanted me to be happy with what I did.” You understood that, and as encouragement for him to continue, you reached over, setting your hand on top of his. “I am strong, so I did more of what I’d done in school and took physical jobs.” He smiled for the first time in long minutes. “I worked for a moving company. I did landscaping. I worked security at different venues.” He shrugged. “Anything people would pay me to do, I did. No one cared what I looked like or how friendly I was as long as I got the job done and didn’t ask too many questions.” 

“How strong are you? I have a chair I need -” Pero reached over, shoving your knee with his hand - but as you both laughed, he didn’t pull it away, instead squeezing and then leaving it in place. 

“Very strong. But you asked about William, so be quiet and I will tell you.” Miming the act of zipping your lips, you widened your eyes at him. “After he retired from the military, he started working the same kinds of jobs as me. We met while working during football season. He and Lin had just moved here for her job, and we were assigned to the same team.”

“Let me guess. He started talking and wouldn’t stop?” Pero nodded, his thumb moving slowly over the outside of your knee. “He does that. It’s kind of annoying.” 

“Very annoying. But somehow, with William, I didn’t… he wasn’t talking to me out of pity. He just wanted to talk to someone, and I was a good listener.” That didn’t come as a shock, but Pero wasn’t done. “Lin’s family has money, and there were a few times they needed security for things they did - events and trips. They paid William to find people to provide it, and he asked me to help. I did, because even though he was annoying, I did not mind the work.” 

“And you became actual friends.” He nodded. “How long did that take?” 

“Only six months.” Pero rolled his eyes. “Lin is very persistent.” That made you laugh again, and even Pero’s scowl was less severe than usual. “And when William came to me and told me he wanted to open a company of his own - with just the two of us? I could not say no.”  

That had been before you’d met any of them, because when you’d gotten to know Lin and William, he’d already been working with Pero, and the business’ reputation was well established. “It’s good that you met him, then.” Pero nodded. “It’s just the two of you? Doesn’t that limit the -”

“We have a few other people we can call if we need them. Some of William’s old military contacts have been reliable in the past.” He looked down. “But yes, mostly it is just us, because people trust us. And that is …” He looked up and at you again, a pensive expression on his face. “I’m still not used to that.” 

“But you’re good at what you do.” He nodded. “So why wouldn’t people trust you to do your job? In your line of work, I feel like word of mouth is -”

“Very important, yes.” He inched closer, averting his eyes briefly. “But there are times when we …” He gestured at his bruised face with his free hand. “Do not deserve that trust.” He feels like he failed because he got hurt? But he said he handled it. He said… “I do not like having to get physical, but sometimes … sometimes it is unavoidable.” 

“Have you ever seriously hurt someone, Pero?” You asked the question before you could stop yourself, and once it was out, you worried that he wouldn’t answer. 

“Yes.” He looked you in the eye as he answered. “Do not ask me if I have done worse than that, because I cannot answer.” What? You stiffened, but didn’t move away. Does that mean he’s killed someone? “The job, it does not always … we don’t stick around. I only know what happens while I’m there.” What kinds of jobs do they take? 

“Is that another reason you don’t want to get close to anyone?” Your voice was steady, and you hoped that helped convince him you weren’t reacting poorly to his words. “Because you’re afraid that they wouldn’t… accept what you do?”

“Yes.” The word was accompanied with a single nod. “I don’t want to lie to someone, and unless I tell them exactly what I do, I’d have to.” 

“But you just told me.” You spoke quietly, heart pounding as understanding coursed through you. “So what does that mean?” 

“I don’t know.” He smiled, but it was short-lived. “I don’t usually do this.” You had a lot of thoughts, but didn’t know how to vocalize them. Pero opening up to you in such a big way was unexpected, and you knew that if it felt that way for you, it must have been even more of a shock for him. “I understand if you don’t… if knowing this makes you uncomfortable.” He pressed his lips together. “I did not mean to tell you all of it.” 

“I’m glad you did.” You thought for a few seconds and then moved even closer, saying his name softly. “Thank you for trusting me.” It still wasn’t everything - and you knew it. But what Pero had revealed to you was more than enough to make you look at him differently, and with more understanding. “Did you really think that I knew the nitty gritty parts of what you and William do? That isn’t … something that Lin and I talk about. And William and I -”

“I thought you would just assume.” He waved a hand in the air between you. “You watch enough TV to know that private security isn’t always safe and simple for anyone involved.” 

“Pero, we need to work on this.” You lifted a hand and reached for him, thumb stroking along his cheekbone. “You can’t just assume that I assume things. And you can’t write shit off before you give it a chance to happen.” He leaned into your touch, the expression on his face relaxing slightly. “You don’t have to tell me everything, but if you and I are going to be friends, we need to have an understanding.” 

“You want to be my friend?” He blinked, and used the tip of his tongue to wet his lips. “Just a friend?” You hadn’t meant it like that, but it didn’t surprise you that he’d chosen that to focus on. 

“Ideally, we’d be more than friends.” You closed your eyes, exhaling. “But even if it doesn’t get to that point, it’s still true that you can’t be friends with someone you hide from.” Pero was silent, and when you reopened your eyes, you were worried that you wouldn’t like whatever expression he chose as a response. 

“It really does not scare you that I am capable of violence?” You heard uncertainty in his voice, immediately understanding that Pero was completely out of his element with you. “Bruises and scars and secret jobs wouldn’t make you want to -”

“Pero.” You took a breath and then leaned in, kissing him on the lips. “I’m not afraid of you. The rest of it… I don’t like to think about it, but it’s not enough to make me run for the hills right now, no.” He considered your words for long seconds, his lips parted and eyes searching your face. Go for it. Just do it. “You just told me that you spent years trying to make friends and get close to people but it didn’t work. Now I’m trying to get close to you, and -” 

He hauled you closer, your eyes widening as he leaned back into the corner of the couch, pulling you with him. “Is this close enough?” He mumbled the words before he kissed you, lips soft as they pressed to yours. “Because I think we could get closer.” 

It stunned you how quickly Pero seemed to waver between moments of uncertainty and confidence, and you wondered if it had been that way for him for his whole life, or just when it came to friendships and relationships. He doesn’t seem uncertain about his abilities or his competence, it’s just … people. “This is good.” You pressed a hand to his chest, feeling the steady thrum of his heart beneath your palm. “Are you alright with it?” 

He didn’t answer with words. Instead, Pero shifted more, moving so that his back was against the backrest of the couch and he was laying on his side. He urged you closer, and without giving yourself time to think about it, you pulled your legs up and stretched them out, laying on your side to face him. He draped an arm over you, fingers lazily moving against the center of your back. 

You stared at each other, both of you adjusting to the new - and unexpected - position you were in. He didn’t look afraid or unsure; for the first time, Pero seemed like he was comfortable with the proximity to you, and the fact that he’d been the one to initiate it. “How much longer would you have waited?”

“For?” You raised a hand, using two fingers to push hair away from his brow. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“For me to get my head out of my ass and speak to you.” He closed his eyes and groaned. “To do something that was not shut down any conversation you tried to have.” 

“I wasn’t waiting for you.” You sighed and continued to move your fingers through the softness of his curls. “I’ve dated. I’ve always been interested in you, but I knew it was pointless to just … hope that someday you’d change your mind and decide you wanted more than saying hello or asking how I was.” His hand stopped moving and his fingers curled inward, pressing against your back. “And part of me thinks that without this assignment and your need to blend in, that wouldn’t have changed.” 

“William and Lin have been encouraging me to …” He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Quote ‘get over my shit and tell you how I feel.” You stifled a laugh, and even Pero’s lips twitched. “You would have worn me down eventually, unless you just … stopped trying.” 

“Three years is a long time, Pero.” You shifted your hips and his hand dropped lower, gliding over your lower back and stopping on your hip. “And I honestly thought you hated me, so … I’m not sure how much longer I would have kept at it.” You hadn’t known the words would come until you spoke them, and from his reaction, you knew that he could tell you were just as surprised as he was that you’d admitted it. “I can only handle so much rejection.” 

“That makes two of us.” He sighed again, closing the distance and turning his head so that he could speak into your ear. “I never hated you. It was always the opposite.” He squeezed your hip as he kissed your cheek. “And I am glad you did not give up on me.”

It felt good to be held by him, and it didn’t seem necessary to reply… so you didn’t. Instead, you inched even closer, tucking your head against his body and closing your eyes. Things were moving fast, even by your standards, and that meant that for Pero, it must have been at an unthinkable pace. 

“This is nice.” You took a deep breath, inhaling his scent. “Let me know when you want me to get up, or when you want to take me home or -”

“If I pull the blanket down, we could sleep here.” The words startled you, and you backed away, lips parted and eyes wide. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Would you want that?” He moved his hand slowly, sliding it back up and pushing your shirt with it. “Oh, you…” You shivered at the way it felt to have his skin touch yours for the first time, his fingertips moving against your side. “Just to sleep?”

“If you would be comfortable.” He looked scared but certain. “Sleeping in those clothes, I mean.” You didn’t like the idea of sleeping in your jeans, but you did have a sleeveless shirt on beneath the sweatshirt you’d chosen - and you hated the idea of saying no to something you’d fantasized about for months. I can unbutton my jeans. It’ll be fine. 

“I’d like that.” You nodded. “What about you?”

“My clothes are right down the hall.” He smiled, tapping his finger against your skin. “I can go change.” 

“Do you have a toothbrush I can use? Or mouthwash? I don’t want to go to bed without -”

“I do.” Pero sighed and then reluctantly sat up, which forced you to do the same. “Come. I will show you.” 

He let you use the bathroom while he changed. The whole time, you tried to ignore the fact that you were going to spend the night with Pero on his couch, which meant extremely close quarters. It’s not the bed. It’s not going to lead to anything. You figured that that was why he hadn’t mentioned the bed; not because it would result in you having sex, but instead because he didn’t want to imply that he was thinking of sex. 

But it was impossible not to let your mind wander when you emerged from the bathroom and saw him leaning against his door frame, arms crossed loosely over his chest - and the light gray t-shirt he wore - with his hip popped, dark gray sweatpants hanging low enough on them that there was a sliver of skin visible at his waist. I’m fucked. 

“I put a second pillow on the couch. He gestured with his chin. “I will be out in a few minutes. Anything you need from the kitchen, please take.” You nodded and then turned away, biting down hard on your lip as you headed back into the living room. 

If Pero’s choice in pajamas had such an effect on you, you could only imagine how you’d react to seeing him without clothes. If I ever do. It only took you a minute or so to get a couple bottles of water from the fridge and set them both on coasters atop the coffee table, putting them within reach. You removed your sweatshirt then, folding it it - and your bra - and setting them over and onto the chair before your hands moved to your waist, and the button there. 

“If you take those off, it’s going to be even more difficult for me to only think about sleeping.” He emerged from the hallway, arms swinging by his sides. “But if that’s what you want…” He winked at you, pausing long enough to flip the light switch, which plunged the room into darkness aside from the glow of the TV. “I will not stop you.” 

“I’m just unbuttoning them.” You did it as you spoke, watching as his eyes dropped to watch your hands. “Sorry to disappoint.” Was that an invitation? “Do you have to be up early tomorrow or anything?”

“No. You?” You shook your head as he took a seat on the couch, reaching for the large blanket that was folded and resting on the back. “Good. We can sleep in.”  

Pero laid down on his side, and you laid in front of him, choosing to face him instead of put your back to his chest. As the blanket settled over the two of you, Pero’s arm moved back into place - but that time, he didn’t wait to push his hand beneath your shirt, resting his palm against your lower back. 

That gave you the courage to do the same with him, but instead of leaving your hand low, you slid it up the center of his back, following the line of his spine. “Is this too much?”

“Never.” Voice thick, he continued. “If I trusted myself we would be sleeping in my bed.” I was right. He cleared his throat and then sighed, breath washing over your cheek. “I have wanted this with you for … too long.” 

“Well, now you’ve got it.” Tilting your head back, you kissed his stubbled chin. “Are you going to kiss me goodnight, or not?” It seemed that he’d been waiting for your invitation, because as soon as you finished your question, Pero’s mouth was on yours, his upper body angled so that it pressed against your chest. 

The kiss started slow, Pero taking your lower lip between his gently before releasing it, a quiet sigh escaping from deep in his throat. When you parted your lips and grazed one of his with your teeth, his touch on your side tightened, fingers digging into your skin. You wondered if you’d just caught him by surprise - or if his reaction meant that Pero liked a hint of pain with his pleasure. I hope I get to find out. 

He moved his hand up your side as the kiss deepened, Pero’s tongue poking between your lips at the same moment his fingertips touched the underside of one breast - and you moaned into his mouth, back arching slightly. 

With anyone else, it would have been embarrassing that all it took was one simple touch to get that kind of response out of you, but with Pero, you didn’t care. He broke the kiss, murmuring the words such pretty sounds, and then trailed a series of kisses across your cheek and down, over your jaw. Each kiss was accompanied by a swipe of his thumb, the rough pad of it traveling over the swell of your chest. “Pero, I -” He circled your nipple with that same thumb and you whimpered, eyes squeezed shut. 

“You like that.” He spoke without lifting his mouth from your skin, instead nudging your head to the side with his nose and then dragging his lips over the column of your throat. Who the fuck wouldn’t? You freed your hand from beneath his shirt and buried your fingers in the hair at the back of his head, Pero’s mouth descending further toward the collar of your shirt. 

You felt the bite of his teeth against your skin, followed by his tongue soothing the same space, and you hummed, tightening your grip on his hair. “Keep doing that, please.” You forced the words out, pushing the hand trapped between your bodies beneath his so that you could grab at his hip - and when you did, you felt him through his sweats where he was pressed against your thigh. Oh, fuck. 

Testing your luck, you pulled him forward, urging him closer - and Pero rewarded you with a roll of his hips, the motion giving you a better idea of exactly what was waiting below his waist. And when he did that, you decided to push things even further, slipping your fingers beneath the waistband of his pants and back, following the curve of his body. 

Pero smiled against your throat, rocking his hips forward again and allowing you to feel the flex of muscle beneath your touch. But then he cleared his throat, hand staying in place as he raised his head. “I need to slow down.” 

“No you don’t. I wasn’t stopping you.” He smiled at your words, closing his eyes as he shook his head. “What?”

“You deserve better than a couch.” When he opened his eyes and met yours, you saw resolve in them, and any argument that you might have made died on your lips. I need to let him do this his way. “I did not invite you here tonight to end up in bed with you. I just wanted… to get to know you.” 

“I did say it would be easy to get carried away with you.” He nodded. “But if you want to stop, we’ll stop.” You gave him a squeeze and wrinkled your nose at the way his eyes flashed at the feeling of your touch. “I -”

“I do not want to, but we should.” He ducked down, mouth meeting yours again. “It will give us something to look forward to.” That was an understatement; you knew that all you’d look forward to was the time when Pero didn’t feel the need to hold himself back. As he settled back into place beside you, he pulled you with him, bringing you both back into the position you’d been in before the kiss. 

But he left his hand in place high on your side, the warmth of his palm comforting. “I’m glad that this job happened.” Snuggling closer to him, you sighed. “I’m glad we’re getting this chance.” He kissed your forehead but didn’t speak, hand slipping around to your back and stopping there. “Goodnight, Pero.” 

“Goodnight, you.” You felt him move as you shifted, too. When both of you were comfortable, you sighed again, arm tightening over his side. It felt good to be held by Pero, the deep, even breaths he was taking lulling you even closer to sleep as the moments passed. The TV’s volume was low enough that you could barely hear it, but aside from your breathing, that was the only other audible sound. I like this. I really like this. 

Time ticked by, and Pero’s breaths got slower and longer, though his hand didn’t move from where it rested. “Pero?” You spoke quietly, figuring that if he didn’t respond, you wouldn’t say anything else. But he grunted, the sound something that could have been your name. Good enough. “You don’t snore, do you?” 

“Maybe if you’re quiet for long enough, you will find out.” Cracking an eye open, you saw that he was glaring at you, but as soon as he noticed you looking, the expression changed to a smile, followed by his arm tightening. “Sleep. It has been a long day.” 

You couldn’t argue with that, and only minutes later, both of you were past the point of no return - neither of you snoring. 

You finished Christmas shopping over the next few days, stopping to pick up last minute gifts after work and wrapping while you relaxed after dinner. 

You usually bought things for Lin and William, but that year, you decided to get Pero something, too. You figured that if you handed the other gifts over on Christmas Eve, it would be weird not to have one for him. It wasn’t anything big - you bought a bottle of the wine you’d seen in his refrigerator and a gift card to one of the restaurants you’d talked about and he’d said he liked. 

But you signed the card that you put the gift card into the card differently than you signed the others, chewing on the end of the pen for long moments before you started writing. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, Pero. I’m glad we finally made it happen - let’s not stop. 

The bag with his gift in it joined the ones for William and Lin on your kitchen counter, the colorful wrapping catching your attention each time you were in the room. 

The morning of Christmas Eve, you woke up before your alarm, giving yourself a few minutes to stare at the ceiling. This is it. Today is … Your mind wandered back to Pero, and waking up in his arms. It brought a smile to your face, the same way it had when it was actually happening, the muted morning sunlight filtering in through his blinds and giving you a clear view of his features. 

It was the first time you’d ever seen Pero truly relaxed - jaw slack, a lock of hair hanging over his eyes and all of the tension he usually carried in his body gone, the rise and fall of his chest at regular intervals. He was almost more handsome while sleeping than he was awake, and the best part of it was that even though you’d both shifted during the night, neither of you had let go of the other. 

You wondered if it was because of the forced proximity on the couch, or if unconsciously, the two of you just hadn’t wanted to separate after so long spent dancing around each other. Whatever the case, you didn’t care. You liked being in his arms, and if the kiss he’d given you immediately after opening his eyes was any indication, Pero felt the same way. 

The two of you spoke a little over the following days, but you were busy with work, and he and William were busy with their company, too, getting contracts set up for the new year as well as making contacts for potential future business. 

But each time your phone screen lit up with a message from him, you smiled. And every time you sent one back, you hoped that he was looking forward to reading it. It felt like the beginning of a new relationship, and even though there were no actual promises of it continuing after the party, you had a feeling that it would. 

Those kinds of thoughts got you through until early afternoon, when you got into the shower so that you could begin to get ready for the night. You spent a lot of time under the spray, the bathroom filling with steam and the scents of all of your different products. It calmed you, which you needed, and by the time you stepped back into your bedroom, robe wrapped tightly around your body, you’d convinced yourself that the night would be the actual start of something between you and Pero. Why wouldn’t it be? After the last couple weeks? 

You did your hair and makeup before you got dressed, paying careful attention to your reflection - and your overall appearance. Again, you wanted Pero to know that you’d taken care to look good for him, especially after learning about his past - and more about the way he viewed himself. 

Lin texted you while you were finishing with your clothes, telling you that when you got to their place, you should park on the street. You sent back a reply along with a thumbs up emoji, and just before you could set the phone back down, a new message came  though - that one from Pero. 

Should I shave? 

He’d included a picture, something that he hadn’t ever done before - a shot of himself in a mirror, his head turned to the side so that you could see his heavily stubbled cheeks. His hair was wet and slicked back, and there were telltale wet spots on his t-shirt, evidence that he’d recently showered. Thank you for putting a shirt on before you sent this, otherwise I would have dropped my phone. 

You thought for a few seconds and then typed a message back, chewing on the inside of your cheek the entire time. 

Up to you. I like how it looks either way, Pero. 

Truthfully, you wanted him to keep the stubble, and it was for a selfish reason. You wanted to feel it when he kissed you, the scrape of it dragging over your skin. The thought made you shiver, and sent you back to the memory of kissing him at his front door, Pero nuzzling against your cheek before whispering goodbye. 

But I have to say I’m partial to you keeping it. 

It took him a few seconds to respond, but when he did, it was just a single word, followed almost a minute later with another short message. 

Done. 

See you soon. 

You parked where Lin had instructed you to and then made your way up to the front door, carrying the box of gifts. After knocking once, you stepped inside, calling out for your friends. They didn’t answer, so you went into the living room and put the packages beneath the tree, standing back to admire the way it looked as you removed your coat. “You look amazing.” Turning your head toward the sound, you grinned at Lin, who was standing in the doorway. “He’s going to love that outfit.” Is he? 

You’d opted for a pair of high-waisted pants in a soft material, and a dark red long-sleeved shirt that had a lower cut neckline than you typically wore - but that had caught your eye while you finished shopping. You’d paired it with simple jewelry - a pair of necklaces and a sparkling bracelet on one wrist. It was likely more dressed down than many of the other party attendees would be, but you wanted to be comfortable… and ready, just in case. “I hope so.” You looked down and then back up at her, closing your eyes and inhaling deeply. “I almost wore a dress, but it’s cold out, and I bought a new pair of boots but they wouldn’t have matched, so -”

“It’s perfect.” She stepped forward, reaching out to take your hands. “He’ll be here soon, William said he’s on his way.” Good. I’m excited. “Are you coming over tomorrow? We’ll be eating at four, and I think Tovar’s said he’ll come, too.” You hadn’t expected that; Pero had never been at a holiday gathering before, and part of you wondered if he’d opted not to come because you’d been invited. Not this year though. 

“I am.” You squeezed her hands and then pulled yours free, gesturing at the tree. “I put your presents under there, so we can open them after we eat.” She nodded, eyeing you up and down. “What?” 

“You look different.” Cocking her head to the side, she crossed her arms. “You haven’t said anything about what happened after the concert, but -”

“We’ll see what happens after tonight.” Your heart thumped, but you looked her in the eyes while you spoke. “I don’t want to jinx anything, Lin. But he and I will have time to talk, and -” You both turned toward the sound of the front door opening and closing, followed by the sound of heavy footsteps in the front hall. He’s here. 

“Tovar? Is that you? We’re in here!” Lin spoke up before you could, and only moments later, you watched as Pero stepped into the room, unzipping his jacket. You opened your mouth to say hello, but froze when you saw what he was wearing. 

Oh, he looks … I’ve never seen him dressed like … 

He’d kept the stubble. And even though his hair was styled, it still looked a little wild, the ends of it curling over his forehead and out from behind his ears. But it was his outfit that rendered you speechless. 

It did have plenty of buttons; Pero’s dress shirt was a charcoal gray color that had a slight shine to it, the material stretched over his broad frame - unbuttoned at the neck and tucked into a pair of fitted black pants. He’d traded his usual boots for dressier ones,  and when you brought your gaze back up, you watched as he reached over to set his jacket down on the back of a chair. 

That gave you a peek at his chest and wrist, and you actually gasped out loud at the glimpse you got of two pieces of silver jewelry: a thick chain around his neck, and one in the same style - though thinner - around his right wrist. 

You suddenly felt wildly underdressed, but when you watched his eyes widen as he looked you over, that changed. He looked at you with want, Pero’s gaze almost hungry as he closed the distance between you. I need him to look at me like that all the time. I need … wow.

“Hello.” Pero stopped just before he reached where you stood, turning his head toward Lin and smiling. “You look beautiful, Lin-Mae.” She gave him a wide smile and stepped forward, throwing her arms around him and telling him that he was being too kind. 

“I’ve had this dress for years. It was a gift from my mother right after William and I got married. I only wear it for special occasions.” 

“And you.” He turned back to you, reaching out for your hand and waiting until you took his to speak again. “Perfect.” That was a stretch, but you weren’t going to correct him. You maintained eye contact as he raised your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Hi.” Mouthing the word back at him, it took everything in you not to take the final two steps forward and pull him close for a kiss. 

“William is in his office.” Lin sighed. “You should go and see if he’s ready, Tovar. We have to leave in like fifteen minutes, so -” He nodded, giving your hand one final squeeze before dropping it. “We’ll be in the kitchen.” 

He turned away and toward the office while you and Lin went into the kitchen and took seats at the raised countertop. She stared at you but didn’t speak, and when she raised an eyebrow, you held up a hand. “Don’t even start. That was -”

“It’s good to see him like that with someone.” She spoke quietly, sighing as she reached over to put her hand on top of yours. “I’ve been hoping that he would open up. And it looks like he has.” She smiled at you. “And after only two nights? Impressive.” 

“Technically three, because we went out for coffee before the fundraiser. And a morning, because I spent the night at his place after the concert.” She gasped, and you had to bite your lip to hold back a laugh. Surprise. “Not like that. We just slept.” 

“And you didn’t tell me?” She scoffed. “I thought we were friends.” 

“We are. But that isn’t something that -”

“Was it all a lie?” You both turned toward the sound of his voice, finding Pero standing in the kitchen entryway with a small stack of papers in his hand. “Was any of the time you spent with me because you wanted to?”

“What?” You stood, taking a half step toward him. “Pero, what are you -” He held up the papers, sneering. 

“You are on the payroll, no? This is just a job to you? I am just a job to you?” He tightened his grip on the paper, the sound of it wrinkling loud in your ears. The contract. He found the contract. 

“It had to be official, yeah, because William needed to file it, so -” He laughed, the sound humorless, and then closed his eyes. “So I signed a contract, but -”

“I have paid women before.” He looked nowhere but at you when he opened his eyes, and you sucked in a breath at the hurt you saw in them. He isn’t mad. He’s just sad. I didn’t … but it’s just incidentals. Not paying me to … “But with them I knew exactly what I was getting.” He crossed the room and slapped the papers down onto the countertop before meeting your eyes again. “I trusted you. I told you things I have never told anyone. And for what?” He shook his head. “Enjoy your money. You will not need to spend more time with me tonight to earn the last of it.” 

William appeared in the hallway then, holding another stack of papers, the sound of Pero’s name spilling from his lips. “Tovar, you need to look at -”

“No. I need to look at nothing. All of you… you all knew. You planned this and did not tell me.” He pointed a finger at William. “I will finish this job tonight, but then I am done.” You gasped at that, and so did Lin. Even William’s eyes widened, his mouth still open. This makes no sense. That’s not what we … 

“Pero, please.” William moved forward, holding up the papers again. “If you just -” But instead of answering, he gave you one final look and then turned away, striding past William and back into the hallway. Moments later, the sound of the front door slamming made you flinch. He left. He left me here and he … 

“William, what the fuck just happened?” Lin got up, making her way to where her husband stood. “Tovar was fine in the living room, and then …” 

You finally moved, reaching for the papers that Pero had set down in front of you as your eyes welled up with tears. It doesn’t make sense. Yes, I took this as a job, but it isn’t… that’s not what … 

But when you started reading the top sheet of paper, it all made sense. 

Somehow, Pero had gotten his hands on the original version of the contract William had presented to you - and not on the updated one. 

Stay tuned for part 4!

[thevioletdaffodil]

sometimes you just lay out your hands when they ask about everything. because it is everything. it is all of it. everything. how do you unfuck everything.

it's too late,

bodies have been cremated and your blood went down the drain and the sixth floor saw things so you never go there anymore and you don't like the sun in the winter because she went to the roof one sunny morning, 11 am and it was the last time she ever saw the sun.

all your years whipped by like a blur and your daughters hate you with guilt making their feet heavy and you hate them to the point of erasing them out of your life, your hate resembling the friction between a racecar tyre and the track, and you hate your mother in a same, but older, more rotten flavour.

you can't point to anything at this point, because it is everything you need to unfuck, because everything comes crashing down on the world you fortified slowly with mud and grass and flower stems and grew apricots and laid yourself flat to make a bridge over a ravine, how you caressed and fed your ungrateful bastards like kittens each night and now they take your name with contempt, their tongues recoiling physically but the weight of their shamelessness outweighing it. it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough. you weren't enough. and you think of how you did this all alone, because someone who was there never cared till it came to the point of visiting hospitals and seeing saints. as if she was insane. she was sick.

like a filthy bleeding open wound, a wounded little bird, but you treated her like she was something that came wrapped in plastic cling wrap, dropped from some dirty wartorn airplane and was breathed to life by a raggedy vacuum or something.

as if she wasn't the product of love and labour, as if her mind didn't shine when she spoke and thought, as if she didn't make your life glow almost unbearably, almost making everything worth it.

but what do you do when the prize, when the circus animal is sick? it makes the ringmaster go insane. you only wanted her for her tricks, the laughs she generated when you shot her from the human cannon, the little ballerina dance she did for you, for the crowd. the thing is, you were never hers as much as she was yours. you never knew how much she believed that she came all wrong and crooked, like a cheap trick gift in the cling wrap, not your skin, your bosom, because you never reminded her how her body was made for your arms fitting right into place like a cap on the bottle's grooves. you never did. you never told her you wanted her. so she punished her beautiful bones for coming wrong and crooked, she punished her breath for working its way around you, she punished her little heart for wanting to come home to you, and most of all, she believed in punishing her body because it looked so much like yours, and you didn't want it. she truly believed you were beautiful, but because you didn't, what could she believe in anymore?

so now you think you have the right to cry over it, and sure you do. but she's done and she's gone. you saw her flying away on just one wing and you can only hope that she made it. she most probably died halfway and dropped her tired wounded bird body, gone as she believed she came to this world.

i believe,

god must look down on this world and sigh all the time. explains all of these warm breezes.