#it's so weird seeing berlin as the centre of anything really

[pharawee]

Oh? Germany? What's it with Berlin as the new European BL hub?

Nvm it's "only" Yin and War and (understandably) non of the other actors. I was very tempted there for a hot minute. 🫠

[cjsinkythoughts]

In Need of a Breath

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 4007

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Zemo, Feelings, Another PTSD Flashback

A/N: So…Part 4 is going to have a couple parts to it. Maybe even three. I didn’t even make it half way through the episode on this one, mainly because I really wanted to fit in the Reader’s backstory and I wanted her and Sam to have a heart-to-heart again. I’m suuuuper tired, so I probably won’t be posting the next part for another few hours (it’s 5 am right now and I haven’t slept), BUT it’s my day off work and I won’t be doing anything I planned because my grandmother had a stroke a couple days ago so plans have changed and I’m staying in to help her, meaning I’ll mostly be writing all day. 

This Part is kind of a mix between off-screen and shot-by-shots, but it’s mostly off screen/what’s going on inside Reader’s head.

I’m really excited about future parts and the characters that are being introduced! I will say that after these parts, I will be doing one shots of previous MCU movies with the Reader, due to the information that is being given about the Reader now. You kind of see more of how she was affected/how she affected the previous MCU movies and what she was doing during that time.

Like always, this hasn’t been beta’d, again it’s SUPER early in the morning, and I’m really tired, so please excuse any mistakes! I hope you guys enjoy this part! Stay tuned for more to come later today!

FATWS MASTERLIST

cjsinkythoughts MASTERLIST

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

“You know…I’m really starting to regret saying yes to this.” You huffed out, craning your neck and squinting your eyes against the sun as you stare at the facility in front of you, hating the skin-crawling feeling of being back.

“Would you relax? Whenever you’re nervous, I get nervous, and I don’t wanna be nervous about this.” Sam shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“Do either of you have a better plan?” Bucky grumbled, crossing his arms.

Gnawing on your lips, you finally take the lead and breathe out, “alright. Let’s go then.” You could feel the hesitance from your - what were they? Partners? Coworkers? Teammates? - the fellas before they started after you.

There was a sick twist in your gut as you entered the building, going through the lobby and security.

You had been there.

You had been there when Zemo impersonated Bucky. You had been there when Zemo unleashed the Winter Soldier at the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre Building in Berlin. You had been there during the battle at the airport. You had been there when Zemo turned Tony and Steve against each other in Siberia. You had been there when Zemo tore the Avengers from the inside out. Your family. The only family you’d ever known.

But you’d always been good about pushing your personal feelings aside for the sake of the mission. It’s what you’d been born to do. All you ever knew.

“Hey. Doll. You hear me?”

“Hmm. What?” You looked up from the ground to look into those enchanting blue oceans Bucky had for eyes, staring worriedly down at you, eyebrows pinched and forehead creased.

“I’m going in alone.” You frowned, opening your mouth to argue, but he shook his head. “Sam already agreed-”

“I didn’t necessarily agree-”

“You’re an Avenger, sweetheart.” Bucky tilted his head, speaking softly, those eyes of his worried. Worried for you. It made your stomach flip. “And you were there in Siberia, and that almost makes it worse. Especially considering you went after him. Just…just let me do this, okay?”

You cracked your knuckles nervously as you thought. It was a terrible idea. But it was an idea. And it was all they had. “Okay.” You finally relented, shrugging as your hands hit your thighs and slid up to your hips. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

“Steve took all that with him.”

Knowing about their little inside joke, you scoffed. “Sure he did. Go before I change my mind.”

You watched him walk down the hallway, hands fidgeting with excess nerves. “I think you’re the only one he actually seeks approval from.”

“Good thing I’m so lenient then, huh?” You joked, turning to Sam with a strained smile. Your smile slipped at the curious expression on Sam’s face, his eyes darting to each of your features. “What?”

“Are you doing okay?”

You groaned, throwing your head back. You thought you got out of talking about your feelings back in Baltimore. “Oh my God, Sam-”

“I’m serious. You…you just don’t seem like yourself.”

You shook your head, looking down the hall to where Bucky disappeared before turning back to him. It was weird to have a self that people recognized. Your whole life you’d been searching for it and when you finally found it…everything went to shit. “Honestly, Sammy, the only time I’ve ever felt like myself was with the team. Zemo took that away from me and now we’re here, practically begging him for help.”

Sam hummed, leaning against the wall. “Have you thought of taking a break?”

“What?”

“A break.” At your bewildered look, he rolled his eyes. “Cher, this time last year most of us were dead. This time a few months ago you found out about Wanda. This time last week you were out looking for her. Maybe you should just stop and take a breather.”

Shoving your hands in your pocket and looking at the floor, you couldn’t help but snort at his advice. “I haven’t taken a breather since I was eighteen.”

He clicked his tongue. “That’s my point. FBI academy as soon as you graduated. SHIELD recruit by 21, undercover operations leader by 24? Slow down. You’re in your thirties. Next thing you know, you’re gonna be ninety something, lying on your deathbed, wishing you had stopped to smell the roses.”

“If I live to be ninety, shoot me.” He chuckled in amusement. “I’m so fucking serious, Sam. I will not be put in an old folks home to play Bingo and be pushed around in a wheelchair. It ain’t happening.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” There was that infectious smile, which you unconsciously grinned back at. “Y/N…I’m serious. You’ve been in and out of missions since you were a teenager. What’s the shortest undercover operation you’ve done?”

“I dunno.”

He gave you an unimpressed look. “Yeah you do.”

Licking your lips, you turned away and shrugged. “A couple months. Seven weeks and three days, to be precise. September to October in 2012.”

“And the longest?”

“August 2007 to May 2009. Twenty one months.” 

Letting out a puff of air through his nose, Sam pushed himself off the wall and caught your chin between his fingers to make you look at him. “That’s nearly two years under cover. And I’m sure you went right back under after-”

“I was sitting at a desk for four months doing paperwork on it.” You defended yourself.

He shook his head, brows knitting together, lips drawn down. “You say that as if four months is enough time.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Sammy. I’m out. I’ve been out since Ultron and Sokovia. I haven’t been under in almost a decade-”

“A decade half the world was dead for half of-”

“I wasn’t!”

“I never said you were.” Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. You were always amazed at his ability to keep his emotions in check. To stay cool under pressure. Sometimes you forgot how experienced he was with dealing with other people’s trauma. It was no wonder why Steve thought he’d be good for Bucky. “Listen. All I’m saying is once this is done…don’t go diving back into searching for Wanda. Don’t go running to the kid every time he calls - and I know you’ve been doing that-”

“It’s just been homework and stuff-”

“Y/N.” You stopped, biting your lip at the stern look he gave you. “Go home. Order take out. Binge watch TV. Go for a jog through the park. Actually meet your neighbors. Go grocery shopping. Just…live. If only for a couple weeks. Don’t worry about anyone else. Don’t pick up the phone, don’t drop everything because someone needs you. You need you.”

“I-I…” You shook your head, looking at him, sincerely apologetic. “I can’t. I wish I could. But I can’t. I’ve never had one normal day in my life. I’ve never had someone to care for, never had someone to care for me. I can’t let people I’ve come to…I can’t let them think I don’t care. I don’t even know where I’d go.”

“Whaddya mean?”

You winced, not thrilled for his reaction to your next statement. “I, uh, I sold my apartment in D.C.”

He gaped at you in complete disbelief. “You got it in December!”

“I know, I know. I liked it. I really did, but…I dunno. Nomadic life has always suited me better. It’s what I grew up with.”

He took a breath, making you cringe again. You don’t think you’ve ever legitimately gotten on his nerves like this before. “Have you ever thought that, instead of going with the flow and jumping place to place, putting down roots might actually help?” He cut you off before you could say anything, holding up a finger to stop you from talking. “I can’t imagine going from foster home to foster home like you did. I can’t imagine not having a home for as long as you can remember. Louisiana’s my home. Always has, always will be. But I understand your life has been anything but stable. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why you need some stability.”

You clenched your jaw, crossing your arms. “The Avengers were my stability. Steve was my stability.”

“Because you loved him.”

“I’m not doing this with you again.” You turned to walk down to the lobby to wait for Bucky there, but Sam caught your arm.

“You were in love with him! It’s okay! You two were super close! No one would blame you! Why won’t you just admit it? I’m trying to understand! Why won’t you-”

You tugged your arm away, finally snapping at him. “Because he could never be mine, Wilson! Is that what you wanna hear?!” Sam took a step back at your exclamation. You closed your eyes, swallowing the lump in your throat and pushing down the tears. “He could preach all he wanted about moving forwards, Sammy, but we all knew he was stuck in the past. He visited the museum every Thursday because her interview showed in his exhibit on Thursdays. He carried around that broken compass because her picture was in it.” You looked back up at him sadly, shrugging. “And I get it; it’s hard to move past your first love. I get it because…that’s what he was to me.”

There was a silence that blanketed the hallway, before he spoke up hesitantly. “What about Bucky?”

“I thought - I thought I was projecting my feelings for Steve onto him because I knew Steve couldn’t ever…”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You thought? What do you think now?”

You cleared your throat. “I’m still figuring that one out.”

“If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here.”

You chuckled, nodding slightly towards him. “Back atcha. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you not being yourself lately, either.”

“It’s…a tough topic.”

You nodded in understanding. “Just know that I’ll support every decision you make as long as you think it’s the right one. Because I trust you. Steve trusted you. It’s all we can do to try to do what’s right. That’s what makes you a good man, Sammy. He gave you that shield for a reason, and if you think what you did was right…I’ll stand by it.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, calming down in each other’s presences and taking comfort knowing you’d be there for each other through thick and thin. “Thank you, cher.”

“Of course, Sammy. Now let’s go see what’s taking the old grump so long.”

He laughed at that, nodding in agreement, taking your offered hand and squeezing it as you made your way down the hall.

****************

“What?”

Bucky eyed you as you spluttered, coughing on the water you were drinking. “Please don’t choke, doll.”

“Break him out of jail?!” You repeated his words and blinked at him, absolutely baffled by his plan. “Oh my God.” You groaned as Bucky and Sam started arguing, moving your flashlight around the room. “Where the hell are we?” There was no response as they kept going back and forth.

“Zemo’s gonna mess with our minds! Especially yours! No offense.”

“Heelllloooo!” You tried again. “Where the hell are we?!”

Bucky turned on the lights, giving Sam a look. “Offense.” Glancing at you he quirked an eyebrow. “Stop worrying your pretty lil’ head, sweetheart. You trust me, dontcha?” Your breath hitched at his words. You quickly recovered, huffing and pouting - although you’d deny ever pouting - and crossing your arms. You stood between the guys like that, eyes darting to whoever was speaking, waiting for them to stop so you could actually think.

“Look. Let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical?”

You and Sam exchanged glances. “What did you do?”

“I…didn’t do…anything.” Bucky shrugged.

“How is it that you, one of the most deadliest assassins basically ever, are one of the worst liars I know.” You tilted your head at him, an eyebrow quirking up in confusion.

“Shush it you. Just, okay. The weakest point in any system isn’t the software, the hardware, it’s the meatware. The human element.”

The more you listened to Bucky’s “hypothetical”, the stronger the gut feeling telling you this was a terrible terrible idea got. You brought your hands up to your head, eyes wide as he spoke.

“I don’t like how casual you’re bein’ about this. This is unnatural.”

You couldn’t help but agree with Sam’s words, your head falling back and your eyes closing. “Sweet Jesus. Listen, God, I know we don’t talk much these days, but please, please don’t let this not be a hypothetical. I’m fucking begging you.”

A noise to your right made your head snap over. “Oh hell to the fucking no!” You shook your head as Zemo himself walked in, wearing a prison guards uniform. “Uh-uh! No way! Bucky, this was not part of the plan!”

“What did you do?!”

“We need him!”

“You’re going back to prison.”

“If I may-”

All three of you faced him, simultaneously shouting, “no!”

You held your face in your hands as your head dropped, shaking back and forth, your eyes squeezing shut, tuning them out for just a minute to think. Bucky had a point. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that, and the Avengers were technically disbanded, which was Zemo’s whole objective in the first place, but…God. You were good at compartmentalizing, but not that much. You were willing to put your feelings aside for the mission so Bucky could talk to him. Not for you to work with him. But he had connections, you knew he did, and he had information…

“Doll?” You looked up, Bucky anxiously licking his lips as he met your gaze. “I need you to say something.”

You looked to Sam, who shrugged, gesturing to Zemo. “What do you think?”

What did you think? What did you think?! You thought that it was the worst idea in the history of ideas and you should turn back and find another way! But…you knew this was the fastest, probably most reliable way to get information that you needed.

Dammit, since when were you the deciding factor?

You sucked in a breath, looking over Sam’s shoulder at Zemo, who lifted his hand in greeting. You raised your eyes to the ceiling, pointing your finger accusingly. “This is why we stopped talking.” Gaze dropping to the still waiting fellas, you gnawed on your lip, before hissing out, “ffffine…” Running a hand through your hair, you threw your hands up as you shrugged. “Fine. Okay. Fine.”

“Okay.” Sam nodded, taking charge again.

You couldn’t believe this was happening. Except, that was a lie. You could. You’d seen weirder. You’d experienced the impossible. Lived through the unbelievable. This…this was completely imaginable.

Which is why, with a lot of hesitation and very little confidence in this plan, you followed Zemo through the auto shop you were in until you reached a large room with a ton of different old cars.

Bucky’s hand found yours as Zemo explained what the plan was, rather vaguely, in your opinion, but at least he was explaining. Point for him. Not that it would make up for the level of distrust you held for him, but it was something.

You looked up at him, giving him a puzzling frown. He usually only grabbed your hand in front of other people when he was feeling anxious. Which, yeah, he had a right to be anxious right now, but it wasn’t the right kind. The type of anxiety caused by large crowds and loud noises, ones that startled him and threw him into a defensive mode.

But the look on his face made you squeeze his hand in reassurance. He was pouting, staring at you although he did something wrong - a puppy that tore up a pillow - and all you wanted to do was give him a hug.

“You’re mad at me.” He mumbled as the four of you headed out with Zemo in the lead.

“No I’m not.”

“Yeah you are. 

“Bucky, I’m not mad.”

“Listen, if I had a better idea I wouldn’t-”

You brought your linked hands up to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his gloved knuckles. “I’m not mad.” You repeated more firmly. “It’s just…a lot for me, right now.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on, Buck, I-I just…” You thought about your and Sam’s earlier conversation and suddenly understood what he meant. “I need to breathe for a second.”

His features twisted into ones of uncertainty, eyes squinting as you stepped outside. “Do you…do you wanna leave?”

You shook your head, tugging his arm to stop him and grabbing the sunglasses on his collar, slipping them over his eyes. “No. I just need some time to think. Hopefully the plane ride to wherever the hell we’re going will give me that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, James. I’m sure.”

He lowered the glasses on his nose to scan you over the frames, before nodding and sliding them back up. “Okay. You ready for this, then?”

“No.” You breathed, turning back to where Zemo and Sam were still walking. “Let’s do this.”

*****************

Climbing onto the private jet, you raised an eyebrow at Sam, who shrugged, giving you a bemused expression. A Baron…huh…who knew? You feel like you should’ve, yet there you were.

You sat besides Bucky, across from Zemo, crossing your legs and leaning back while staring at him through narrowed eyes.

His butler seemed nice, which made you even more suspicious. You obviously didn’t know as much about Zemo as you wanted to. It was a habit you picked up after years of undercover work; once the mission was complete, that was that. There was no looking back on it. No sitting on it. It was over and you moved onto the next one. It was a bad habit in cases like this.

The moment you spotted the notebook over Zemo’s book you knew something was going to happen, yet you still flinched when Bucky lunged at him, grabbing his throat. You leaned back in your seat again, steadying your now racing heartbeat. You decided you were too tense, trying to relax your muscles as Bucky sat back down in his seat.

“I’ve seen that book. It was Steve’s when he came out of the ice. I told him about Trouble Man. He wrote it in that book.” Sam seemed so proud of himself that something he recommended was written in Steve’s little book and it made you smile.

You remembered that; Steve and you were supposed to meet up for coffee after his run, but Fury called him in so you rescheduled it for when he got back. He asked you about Marvin Gaye. For your opinion. You told him to check it out and make his own.

You remembered asking him about that little notebook of his, and he just shrugged you off telling you about his list. He would read items off to you, but he never let you read the book yourself. You never found out why, and you supposed you never would now. The thought made an ache behind your ribs that you’d come to familiarize yourself with appear.

You smiled a little more as Zemo and Sam told Bucky how awesome Marvin Gaye was. “C’mon, baby. Back me up.”

Chuckling, you looked at Bucky. “They’re not wrong. But,” you quickly added before Bucky could whine at you, facing Sam again. “Neither is Buck. I mean, c’mon. You can’t find music like the 40’s anymore. Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, Fred Astaire. Ol’ Blue Eyes himself.”

“Thank you.” Bucky grinned at Sam, who rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay. But, I mean, c’mon! Everybody loves Marvin Gaye.”

“I like Marvin Gaye.”

“Steve adored Marvin Gaye.”

Your face fell as Zemo started talking about Steve and icons and Red Skull, your mind once again slipping away from reality.

~

“Kids love you.” You giggled as you finally made it out of his exhibit. You’d wanted to show it to him since he moved to D.C., and you’d finally got an opportunity after coming back from being undercover for ten weeks. “You’re their hero, you know.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to do what’s right.”

You nudged him, scoffing at his answer. “You’re too humble. You’re a national icon, you know.”

Steve shrugged, looking around the museum at the planes surrounding them. “I never wanted to be.”

“Why not? Everyone loves you.”

“I’m sure not everyone loves me.” He rolled his eyes. “And…I just wanted to help. To fight. Protect my country and the people I cared about. I-I didn’t ask for…all that.” He waved behind his shoulder where his exhibit was getting smaller with each step they took away. “People were dying. Bullies were winning.”

You shook your head, spinning and walking backwards besides him to face him. “Sure, but you did that. And you became someone people could look up to in the process.”

He narrowed his eyes at you before asking, “why do you do what you do?”

“...because I’m good at it?”

“Honey.” He gave you a look. “Answer the question.”

You hummed in thought. “Because I couldn’t stand by, knowing there would be orphaned kids if I didn’t help any way I could.”

“Alright. Why do you do it in the dark?”

“Whaddya mean?”

He shrugged. “Why don’t you come out and take credit for all the lives you’ve saved?”

“Because that’s not why I do it. I don’t want that attention. I just want to know I’ve helped people. I’ve kept them safe.”

He gave you a soft smile. “I just wanted to beat the bully. I never wanted to be a dancing monkey, too.” You looked at him in a new light then, understanding where he was coming from. “Watch out, honey!” He grabbed you and pulled you aside before you could crash into a wall, arms wrapped firmly around your waist. He gave you that charming smile of his. “Wouldn’t want you hurting that pretty lil’ head of yours, now would we?”

~

“Y/N!”

You snapped back into the conversation, moving your eyes from the window to Bucky, who tilted his head, eyebrows pinched and eyes narrowed. “Sorry. So, Madripoor. That’s a fun place.”

You ignored the side eyed glances Bucky and Sam exchanged, Sam turning to you curiously. “You’ve been?”

“Once. Back in 2010 for a few months”

Zemo raised his eyebrows. “You’re lucky to have gotten out.”

You shrugged nonchalantly. “Lucky, maybe. Skills were a part of it, too, though.”

“Good.” Zemo nodded. “Because we’re going undercover…and if we blow it. We’re dead.”

You breathed out, shaking your memory away and getting your head back into the game. Because like the man you were severely wary of in front of you said, if you blew this, you were dead. And, sure, you didn’t want to live until ninety, but you weren’t even half way there yet. So dammit if you were going to die soon.

“Hey.” You looked over at Bucky’s murmur, his head tilting as he grabbed your hand and pulled you from your seat closer to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Are you okay? You know you’re going to have to be-”

“I know.” He nodded. You watched his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed thickly. “I’ll be fine. Just…tell me right now if you need to step out for this one.”

You gave him a smile that you knew he didn’t buy, just by the slight narrowing of his eye, his lips pressing together. “No. No, I’m good for this. If you think I’m gonna let you two idiots go into Madripoor with him - alone - oil that cyborg brain of yours, because there’s no way.”

He squeezed your hand, eyes still filled with uncertainty. “Are you sure?”

“If there’s even a slight possibility that I can protect you, then yeah. I’m sure, Buckaroo.”

[blueberry-beanie]

Foals at E-Werk Köln | 21 June 2022

A  very long tale about the day I ended up in Köln instead of Berlin, met the boys at the record shop, got front row spots again and had a quite surreal experience overall.

It's half past six in the morning and I'm sitting on the sofa in an apartment somewhere in the east of Köln. It's a weird feeling to be here all by myself after what has happened in the past 24 hours. But wait, how did I end up in Köln? Shouldn't I have been in Berlin right because of the Aurora concert? Yeah well... about that...

I was supposed to go to Aurora's concert and had booked everything already. The catch was, I had to choose between Aurora and Foals, who somehow managed to be in Germany at the exact same time. I really love Aurora and I'm sad I didn't get to experience her live yesterday.

Rachel (whom I met in Berlin at the Foals concert) has asked me if I'll be in Köln. I told her no, I had other plans. Last weekend there was the Hurricane festival, which I was supposed to attend with Charlotte, but decided against it. Last Friday Foals released their new album and did a small livestream on Instagram – while sitting in Hamburg.

That was the first time I realised I was somehow quite sad, because I ended up crying at the kitchen table after returning from my riding lesson. On top of that, I somehow managed to miss out on both livestreams from Hurricane and Southside. But that alone wouldn't have been enough to change my mind.

A few days ago, a record shop announced there would be a signing session in Köln. Still, I had just met them a few weeks ago. On Sunday noon, I received a message from Mickey, whom I met in Amsterdam. He asked me if I was going to Köln because he has been thinking about going there last minute.

I told him, no, I'm not going, please give the boys my greetings. Then started crying. Now I was unhappy about the prospect of going to Berlin all alone instead of seeing some people again who are actually asking about me

Enter insanity. I told him that I was looking to change my plan. And we started planning out our trip. I don't know which part of this is more insane, maybe you can decide for me:

- Berlin tickets and accommodation are non-refundable, and I am not a millionaire - We have two days until the concert - for some reason (Billie Eilish and Lorde probably) the entirety of Köln is completely booked out, with prices starting from 110 € upwards for any kind of accommodation - this makes it way too expensive for getting a single room, so Mickey and I decided to share - I don’t know him other than having spent a few hours at a concert with him

But of course, why not, right?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

two days later, at home

Mickey said on Sunday evening, “Yes, let’s go” and I did not know whether to grin like an idiot or panic. So, I first grinned and then spent Monday and Tuesday morning with panicking. Seems fair. I don’t know why anxiety kicked in as much as it did, but it nearly made it impossible to prepare because I was shaking with fear.

I booked my trains and Mickey booked an Airbnb half an hour from the city centre and about the same time from the venue E-Werk. It was the only remotely affordable flat anywhere near we needed to be that did not just have one bed, but also a sofa. Oh well…

On Tuesday morning I was too nervous to eat anything and left the house with a bag of food and fear. In the train I tried to distract myself with Life Is Yours and Everything Everything, hoping that the uplifting music would relax me. That did not really happen.

At least both the train to and from Hannover were fairly punctual, and so were his trains. Finally in Köln, I discovered that the station in fact has two entrances on the same side. I told Mickey I’d wait in front of Kamps bakery and started scanning the crowd. And what a crowd it was. It seemed like the entire town was up and about.

Then finally, when I already thought we won’t find each other and maybe I don’t remember anymore how he looks like, Mickey suddenly materialised in front of me. I asked myself how I ever thought I won’t recognise him. We both said hi in a rather awkward way and had a moment of doubting whether we should hug but decided to go for it. It was already about 12:40 and we decided to go and look for the Underdog Record Store which was only a few minutes’ walk from the station.

I happily let Mickey navigate (although we made a few wrong turns) and we tried to somehow become more familiar with each other. I remembered him as a very nice person who was pleasant to talk to and this impression was only confirmed. He told me about his university courses and about how exactly he happened to somehow be based in three countries at once. We talked a bit about Foals, but also about how this entire situation is a bit funny.

At some point I joked that my best friend was kind of shocked I was about to just go ahead on a trip with a “friend” I had only known for a few hours, and he laughed about that and said he’ll try to be a good companion.

We arrived at the tiny record shop way ahead of time and discovered they only sell vinyl. There was already a small queue, but we wanted to check out a bakery for food (not tasty enough) and a nearby Saturn for the LIY album. Just as I predicted the CD cost insane 18 €, but I gulped my guilt down and bought one, because it felt odd to arrive without any of their music.

[x]

The previous day I had already printed out some photos of the band members for Mickey and bought a strong white cardboard for myself for Yannis to write the lyrics of Mountain at My Gates. I was unsure whether that wouldn’t be too much work, but when we arrived back at the shop and saw Rachel and her friends Lea and Maggie, I saw it was not more work than they had brought.

Lea had a whole assortment of CDs and a big print from ENSWBL 1 deluxe she wanted to get signed. She wore a Pidge t-shirt and turned out to be quite the superfan, despite this being her first Foals concert. That was a good thing, because she craved to be at the barrier, and I knew we would be really late that day. So we were lucky I knew Rachel and could just come and join them later.

Rachel showed us the papaya and lemon she brought for Yannis, and we all burst out laughing, because it was a reference to his tweets about favourite fruit the previous day.

Speaking of the devil – suddenly a black car with tinted windows pulled up at the store. The door opened – and a very smol and tired Yannis emerged. We stared at him and awkwardly greeted him, and he also said hi to us and proceeded to vanish inside the shop.

Yannis wore his red shirt with flowers that day, together with obligatory black jeans and white shoes. At some point he sat down in the little adjacent café and some woman, who seemed to be part of their team, brought a pile of cards and pencils. It was a bit odd because not only could we see him, but he was also watching us.

The awkwardness was alleviated by Jack suddenly appearing around the corner with his foldable bicycle, stylishly sporting one of Yannis old t-shirts, the grey-white-orange one with circle and spot patterns. He folded the bike and carried it in, greeting us in a good mood. By now it was already 2pm, but Jimmy was not here yet. He came a few minutes later with a woman and we were like “Hi Jimmy! You are late!” and he replied “Yes, I know I know”.

I was starting to get quite nervous because we were one of the first in line, right after Rachel, Lea and Maggie. We caught a glimpse of Yannis with his papaya and giggled about it, but then it was suddenly our turn. I had joked that Mickey had to go first in case they will eat him alive, but they were in contrary incredibly sweet.

[x]

Mickey put the photos on the table to sign and they said the photos look really cool and wanted to know where they are from. I said, these are my photos and pointed out which are from Amsterdam and which from Berlin and they complimented me about them. He asked Yannis if they can play his favourite song Exits, but he politely denied, saying that they may play it at a later point. Mickey also asked them to record a small birthday message for his friend Sasha. Jack was the one talking, and the others just chimed in with Happy Birthday. 

Now this was all taking quite a bit of time and their assistant woman (or whoever she was) wanted us to take a photo and move along but I said I still had some things to sign, sorry. The boys were very patient, but this woman clearly was not. Understandably so because there was quite a queue.

I started telling Yannis “Umm, hi I don’t know if you remember me, but we met in Berlin, I was the one who gave you the letter from Nikol.”  And he was like “oh, yes, sure, I remember!” and proceeded to thank her for the letter and the Chili. He said he liked it very much and “it is made of ceramics, right? I wore it a few times, it’s great” and the others also seemed to know what he was talking about. Then he said, without me mentioning it, “and thanks also for the soap, it is really good”. By that time my heart had already melted, to be honest.

I asked them if they could sign the CD for Nikol and they all proceeded to do so, but then Yannis wanted to write her name and asked me “How do you spell that?” and my brain sort of short-circuited and I forgot the alphabet and helpfully said “err, with K”. Thankfully Mickey had not lost his brain and spelled it out for him.

To the dismay of the woman timekeeper I also asked Yannis very messily with compromised grammar whether he could write the chorus of Mountain at My Gates down for me “because it’s my favourite song and um err I always listen to it when err I- I think I can’t go on anymore and and I would hang it up on my wall and look at it” *facepalm*. Yannis said “yeah sure I’ll do that” but then he realised he did not know the lyrics and was like “umm oh I need to look that up” and I think even had the audacity to say “oh you should know your own lyrics” (while being too star struck to know them myself, mind you) and he apologetically told me about how it was difficult to remember them but how about I just leave the paper here with him and he’ll do it in between and hand it out to me later?

Of course, I agreed with that and was so happy and then we had to take one awkward photo in which I stood next to Jimmy and didn’t know where to turn myself… and then it was over and we went out.

I immediately sent out a voice message to N telling her about the Chili and then took a photo of the signed things. N first did not realise it is a signed CD and thought it is a card, but she was really happy about the news.

Mickey and I waited around for a bit to get the written lyrics. When the woman gave them out to me along with a little card, I couldn’t believe the precious gift I was holding in my hands. That song had really guided me through some heavy things and given me a lot of energy. To have it handwritten by the person who came up with the song in the first place is an invaluable gift.

We also sent everything to Charlotte, and she started screenshotting it and was excited for us. She did not know we’d be in Köln and so it was a surprise for her. Meanwhile she was already on her way to Glastonbury. Rachel and the girls departed after exchanging approving glances at each other’s signed things.

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Mickey and I turned to go back to the main station to get some food and get the train to our accommodation. On our way I asked him about his family and about his friend Sasha. Since he is Ukrainian, he had quite some things to tell about how he and his family experience the war. Thankfully they are all alright, although the situation is of course less than ideal.

At the main station Mickey got himself some sandwich and was kind enough to sponsor my vegan couscous. We sat on the steps leading up to the Kölner Dom and talked about work and university, before going in for a quick glance at the Dom. We then took the train with the number eighteen and made our way to the accommodation, which is in a part of the city that reminded us more of a village than a big city.

I was a bit nervous because he was so spontaneous with determining when we had to get out, but he just laughed and told me to relax. Granted, my sixth sense saved us from missing our stop. Still, he was good at navigating, and we made it to the house with the number twelve, located in a quiet street.

After ringing the doorbell once or twice a nice woman opened the door and told us to come in. She asked why we are in the city and we tried to explain in English and German that we were here for Foals and the city is packed because of Billie Eilish and Lorde. She was very nice and showed us to our flat upstairs and explained how the key worked. After introducing us to her sweet black curly dog, we were left on our own.

The flat was quite big, with a corridor, a bathroom to the left, a kitchen straight ahead and a huge living and sleeping room with a wooden balcony. The living room had a huge double bed and a foldable sofa, as well as a dinner table and a TV. The balcony led out into the garden with a view on an idyllic pond. To be honest, if it had not been for the price, I’d stayed in this flat for much longer than one night.

We freshened up a bit, re-packed our bags and headed out to catch the train to E-Werk. It was around 4:30 pm by now and I was nervous about the state of the queue waiting for us, although I knew Lea was already there. The train took its sweet time to arrive and we had to catch a bus after.

By now all nervousness had disappeared and I was just happy to have a companion with me. He told really funny stories, like the one about his colleague telling the waiter in the restaurant “Ich warte!” in an attempt to practice his German. Mickey himself has quite impressive German skills although he claimed that Dutch has ruined his pronunciation (which was nearly perfect the whole time).

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We finally arrived at the venue with the bus, together with another dude wearing a Black Bull t-shirt. Apparently the bus stop is just in front of E-Werk. Me wanting to be at E-Werk for Coldplay in 2014 made me think it’d be a beautiful venue, but it really was quite small and shabby-looking with huge windows.

Said windows were almost shattering from the sound of Egyptian Blue soundchecking. Thankfully Rachel and the others were already there and I also saw the guy from Berlin with the Inhaler t-shirt (and again I managed to not ask his name, goddamn me, I am hopeless). He was wearing a Foals t-shirt today though and sat next to us all on the steps.

We had to admit Egyptian Blue sounded better from the outside than the inside of the venue and joked we’d just stay out here until they were done. Suddenly we noticed Jack behind the bushes next to the tour bus inconveniently parked in plain sight. He was talking to the guy in the Black Bull t-shirt, who had told us earlier that he missed the signing session. I guess he wanted a private signing session now, but security dared to disagree and sent him out.

We did not remain seated quietly for long, though, because N sent me a tweet with the coordinates of a hidden vinyl. Mickey and I got up and running down the street in an attempt to get there first – too late! Only minutes after the tweet the vinyl had already found a new owner. It was great fun though running down the street and giggling, not caring what people thought about us.

By now it was almost half past six, nearly time for doors to open. Security took care to make rows and more and more people appeared, making us glad that we had a good spot. Mickey still needed to send me my ticket which he had gotten from Ticketswap.

And then it was time. Thankfully nothing happened, the tickets were valid, no questions about my bag… and Rachel did not even have to lie down on the floor like Charlotte to secure our spot. Again a perfect spot, right where Yannis would be!

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The only thing was that this time I was sandwiched between Mickey and the huge Berlin guy (I swear next time I’ll ask his name). But I tried to see the positive sides: with such strong guys next to me it was certain Yannis would come here for What Went Down. If only security had been this strong too… but more of that in time.

Now it was waiting time again. When Mickey went to the bathroom, some drunk guy from the back already wanted to steal his place, claiming he “just had to touch the barrier once to see how it feels”. Like dude… no. Touch it after the concert is over. We met Paula, who brought a bouquet of pink roses to the concert.

We were all very “enthusiastic” about Egyptian Blue who played as bashingly loud and bad as usually. But thank God that was over soon. And then they started to build up the Foals stage! Yannis microphone was set up right in front of my nose, a bit too much in front of me for my taste because I knew it’d be in the way all the time.

Mickey noticed that there appeared to be no screen this time – just a black huge banner that reminded us of something we could not point our finger at. We engaged N as a detective and found out it resembled the pattern on the black LIY vinyl. I prayed that the light would be good enough for photos.

And suddenly, shockingly on time, Foals appeared onstage with the known intro music and Wake Me Up. Yannis was really right in front of me again and had made the effort to change into another shirt (actually one of my faves). I felt like I overdosed with Foals in the last month, because not only was this the third concert but I also spoke to him twice. This all felt too unreal to be true.

He was in a good vocal shape, but somehow the vibe was different from Berlin and Amsterdam. They seemed to be a bit tired, although they tried to play a good energetic show. I remembered my purpose of a photographer and started testing out my new prism, to the surprise of and displeasure of the security guy in front of me. Well, I know it looks weird, but the results are worth it, man… and if even Foals say the photos are good…

At first the setlist had no surprises, only when they got to Looking High, we all got excited because that was a rare one. They had last played it in the UK, and only four times. Mickey was already sad because he thought they scrapped Life Is Yours, but to his surprise they played it right after.

I found the crowd to be more drunk but less enthusisastic than in Berlin and I missed Camille and Charlotte for the In Degrees jumping marathon and “Brighton Rock!” yelling. I think they should play Spanish Sahara right after in Degrees so we can all have a rest on the Floor, to be honest.

Yannis was a bit forgetful that day (although not with the Mountain at My Gates chorus, bless). He messed up the beginning of Looking High, and I have heard better performances of Inhaler. However he said “Dankeschön” in a very sweet way even twice, so my heart melted anyway. I will miss him a lot, because that was definitely the last concert of the year. I hope I can memorise how wonderful it is to have a whole concert (or three) to just see all with my own eyes and even speak to him on multiple occasions.

He came down to the crowd for Providence, but I did not catch his hand this time, only his shoulder on the way back (green shirt still leads in terms of softness, but this dotted one is a close second!). During the Encore break I told Mickey that we really need to go and get some food and drink after, because I felt really weak. No surprise in that.

They came back to play Black Bull and then – What Went Down. Now was the chance. We gave everything and hoped he would come to us. He gave away his guitar, climbed down and got up right to us. I thought this is too good to be true, and truly, it was: he decided not to climb up on the barrier today. I suspect, maybe he was being tired but also security stood there like it was their first day on the job and showed no signs of wanting to help him get up.

I can’t blame him for not doing it, but I was a bit sad still. He briefly went to the spot where Rachel and Lea stood, but then he climbed back up on stage. During Two Steps I already noticed just how exhausted I was. And then, suddenly it was over, and they disappeared.

We had no luck with setlists, drumsticks or plecs and they closed the stage area really quickly. I noticed that the entire right side of my T-Shirt was completely soaked in sweat, and it was not my own. My jacket, meanwhile, was safely waiting for me at home… We briefly said goodbye to our friends and then Mickey and I quickly got out to catch the bus.

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Somehow the rest of the evening added to the sense of all of this being completely unreal, like a glimpse of stolen life. I am well aware that many people do things like this on a regular basis and it is no big deal to go to a concert last minute in another city and meet new people and hang out with them.

However, for a home-sitting lonely introvert like me this is really far away from my usual life and still causes me to have some feeling as if everything is just another story I made up in my mind.

At the train station all food shops except one lonely Rewe were closed, so we went to get some shockingly healthy food (“let’s get Papaya with lemon”) and ended up with yoghurt, cereal, apples, wraps, a big bottle of sparkling apple juice (sadly no Sprite, sorry). We somehow forgot how thirsty we were and did not think of buying two bottles, so we shared ours while waiting for the train.

In the train we reviewed the setlist (Mickey was actually the one who created the concert date on setlist.fm) and realised they left out Late Night and Black Gold in favour of new songs. Then we arrived in our “village”. It was dark and I had no idea where we were going. Normally I’d be in panic in this situation, but oddly I felt very safe and incredibly happy in that moment.

We quietly snuck into the flat to not wake the owners downstairs. After eating and washing we talked for a while and it was sad he had to wake up so early next morning to go back, because late night talks are the most interesting. But it was already late, and we had to sleep.

I fell asleep and woke up startled by something when it was already morning. I turned around to find Mickey standing right next to me. I managed to say “oh my god”, and probably scared the hell out of him with my reaction because he asked “Are you ok?”. We had an awkward moment and finally managed to say “…good morning?”.

The goodbye was just as awkward as our greeting less than 24 hours earlier. We first stood a few metres apart and he was not sure about going for a hug or not. He told me to write to him when I was safe at home and suddenly I was all alone.

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I needed an hour to somehow get myself together enough to function again. I ate up, packed and dressed and left the flat after 7:45 to get a train to the botanical garden.

I think it is almost a tradition for me to visit the botanical garden in each city after a concert. There is something meditative and soothing about them, I thought, wandering through the Flora next to Köln Zoo.

Nobody was here yet except for some runners. I had all the time in the world to take as many photos as I wanted and calm down my hopeless brain. Amongst the roses and pink flowers I thought that this would be something Yannis enjoys: first a crazy concert and then the garden.

Afterwards I headed back to the main station in hope of visiting some museums. But the city center is not a welcoming place early in the morning. Most shops are closed and all the construction sites did not help with navigation.

The museums started scaring me, so I thought, “screw this2 and wanted to go to another park. But first I had a whole odyssey trying to find affordable vegan food (which turned out to be disgusting, sadly). In the park I sat down on a bench near the big pond to eat and write to N. By that time it was really hot already. I managed to get lost with google maps and eventually settled under the shade of a big tree.

There I found a four leafed clover which I showed to N and to Mickey, who did not know the concept of them as lucky charms. A mail reached me: my green patterned shirt had arrived, and I would be able to pick it up soon.

Then it was already time to go back to the station and catch the ICE to Hannover. The train was very full, and the air was thick. I originally wanted to write down my adventures but found myself almost sleeping instead. Even worse, we were significantly delayed, and I missed my second ICE  by a minute. That meant I had an odyssey with two Metronom trains until I finally arrived in my home town, exhausted and ready to just eat and sleep.

It has been two days now and I still feel like it was all a fever dream, even as I sit on the sofa and look at the photos I took. Not entirely sure how any of this qualifies as a travel or concert diary still, but it sure as hell is a lot of reading material to remember.

[themostexpensiveboningknife]

2020

Failed party, money in drawer, communicate, move house, move boxes, drive in van, walk to shops, buy noodles, think it’s the end, see whole bus of soldiers in Beijing, new area, walk in darkness, think about leaving, leave, think its temporary, in taxi, post stupid photos, check and check again phone, think people with goggles on my plane are over reacting, take off my mask to eat, keep taking off to loosen, arrive back in London. Tube. Cold. Pub. Party at WeWork. Exhibition at Dulwich Gallery. Farringdon. Drugs and drinks. Brockley, South east London. DJ. Ethiopian food. Morley’s Peckham. Walking on the River. Photographer friend’s house. Canal cycle. National Gallery. Car crash, Dalston. Omar Souleyman. Corsica Studios. Meet girl, back to my friends, back to hers, sex. Morning up to mum’s best friends birthday, Covent Garden restaurant. In a van, Sunday roast. Chisenhale Gallery. arebyte Gallery. Getting worse in China, seems nice and easy and calm in England. Camberwell beers and more. Second-hand book shops, Charing Cross Road. Courtauld. Leafed through a book about a man who lived his entire 86.5 years in East London. Still talking to the same girl back in China. Both believe I’ll be back soon. Chicken wings. West London, meal. South London pub. DJing somewhere inside. Kent, see grandma. Rave, Bermondsey. Friends from Israel and Germany arrive. More drinks, more drugs. Mixing friends. Gay bar in Bethnal Green for old friend’s birthday. Acid, confused and hilarious. Tate Britain. Serpentine. Cranes on the bridge. Liverpool Street film screening. Feels shallow, but good. Begin regular E Pellici sojourns. Primrose Hill with Dad. Beer festival with Keaton and co. Peckham, school friend’s house, bad vibe. More drinks, more drugs. Working on first music compilation with Slowcook and Fafa. Begin watching all of the Studio Ghibli movies. Watching Breaking Bad. At some point have huge argument with my brother, it went like this: He came home from work and I was sitting watching Breaking Bad, he asks, “Have you been like that all day?” I either took it in the wrong way or picked up on a sly dig. It was probably me, but at this point I was pretty self-conscious and worried about going back to China and whether or not I would have a job back there. Was getting surprisingly pissed off with my brother mentioning his work, felt like an affront to me. Weird. He goes crazy (he has a short fuse), punching a wall, ready to fight me. My mum is pretty upset. A few days later I go into his room and try to patch things up. Turns into a deeper chat. He feels like I haven’t been a good brother to him, he gives the example of not looking out for him on his first days of school. I say I’m sorry, it’s because I’m a bit scared and insecure. In retrospect I regret a little laying so much weakness on the table, seems his interactions/ways of acting around me have changed a bit. Still not sure how I feel about it all. Considered getting a gold tooth with Matthew. Play with cats, enjoying them more and more. Rave in Dalston, good music from Asia and beyond. Looking at magazines. Not doing much work at all. Being out and about instead. Go to Norfolk. It’s beautiful, but get way too drunk on first night, sick everywhere, wake up naked in sick. Massive fucking shitshow. Majority of people there have no choice but to act weirdly around me now, which is understandable. Still some nice aspects. One girl there surely hates me a lot. Tate Modern. Art stuff by self is good. Corsica Studios, semi-art, semi-music event. Mr. Bao for first time of many. Radio in Tottenham. Take drugs. Pubs. Drive to Asda with brother to stock up on food. It’s March and the reality of the pandemic is hitting. More canal cycling. First and only group chat on Zoom. BH Funk. Probably have taken cocaine and messaged one of three or four girls numerous times by now. If there’s one, in the cold light of day, horrible and disgusting thing I’ve done too much this year it’s this. Incessant messaging of poor girls that I know will react (although increasingly they don’t, I manage to alienate even close friends in this way). Southbank and The Mall with Nick. Reading about Wuhan. List of good texts. Continuing to do some writing. Making WeChat posts for guī WeChat, including mix series and miniessays. Greenwich park with Matthew. Grime quiz online. Delivering food regularly for my mum’s school. Hackney Marshes with Luan. Epping Forest with Mum and Dad. By this point probably have woken up feeling sorry for myself in Ludo’s flat, after untold amounts of alcohol and cocaine. Online rave. Beijing artists only mix. Go to Switzerland, pass through Italy on the way. Its breath taking, the mountains, the expanse of scenery, not used to it. Climbing up mountains with no one around. Rolo and Patrick and Rita smoke too much weed. I really, really, really still hate smoking it. Feel a bit annoyed how long we spend sitting around while they smoke, but this is way outbalanced by the uniqueness of where we are and the beauty all around. Producing more and more, actually getting somewhere. Cooking more and more food. Reading more and more, like: Black and British, The Corrections, Real Fast Food, Bass, Mids, Tops, Zadie Smith, Olivia Lang, Graham Greene, JG Ballard, Monica Ali, Mo Yan, Jenny Zhang, John le Carre, Naked Lunch, Nabokov, Bukowski, Zora Neale Hurston, Wiley, Bitcoin, Murakami, Judith E. Butler, The Painter of Modern Life, Maupassant, Chekov, Video Art, Gravity’s Rainbow (couldn’t finish), Anaïs Nin, The Net Delusion (couldn’t finish), The Establishment and how they got away with it (couldn’t finish), Roddy Doyle, The Secret of Scent, General Intellects, Women In Love, The Intelligent Investor, Lyndon Johnson. Victoria Park more often than I can remember. To Chrissy’s house. Mile End Park. Very regularly sitting on the river in Wapping. Bring the chessboard and play Ludo sometimes, people smile and look at you differently when you’re playing chess and drinking beers versus just sitting and drinking beer. I May Destroy You. Industry. The beautiful wide expanse of Hackney Marshes. My incessant quest to reach 1000 followers in Instagram. More cycling, and I hate to say it but it really was: Here there and everywhere. Margate with my Dad to see my grandma in hospital and saw the Turner Prize exhibition. Light blue like scrubs, the sky and sun felt eternal. Swimming in dirty water. Make a DJ mix of old 2000s Road Rap. Eat cheese in Peckham. Cycle along the canal north, keep going and going through Tottenham, past Enfield keep going, it’s mad how quickly it becomes quiet fields on all sides, arrive to some kind of lake, swim and then back to the centre of town. Outside a Hawksmoor church in Shadwell ate chicken with Karim and Ludo. DJing. From my bedroom window saw a big crane in the middle of the night sitting on the canal. Begin developing the second DCCY compilation this time with BULLY magazine. Go to a house in an old school in Camberwell. Discover new secret riverside spots in East London. Finally give up my apartment in Beijing. Mile End park. Cycle further and further East to a pedestrian bridge I didn’t know existed. Get onto the beach and into the Thames water. Interview Akito. Begin writing more, after few months of wiling away the summertime. My friend Emmy gets married in Rwanda, I give him some money as a wedding gift which he tells me he used to buy his wife’s dress. Protests in HK always on TV. Get more into finances, crypto and trading, and just saving in general. Had sex with an old friend. Now meeting a girl I first knew years ago in Beijing. More secret river spots. Keaton has his baby, Noah. More times on Hackney Marshes. Barbican conservatory. Watching more films, try to watch all the films of some directors including: Jia Zhangke, Bong Joon-ho, Edward Yang, Wong Kar-wai, Apichatpong Weerasethakul. Decide to watch all of the infamous lauded series, go through Breaking Bad, The Wire and The Sopranos. Go to the seaside for a few days, camping also. Henry Wu album launch in a car park in Bermondsey. Go to visit Keaton’s baby for the first time. Good photography exhibition at Photographer’s Gallery. Go to Wallace Collection again. August. Go to Berlin. Swimming in Berlin lakes until I get an ear infection. It makes me drowsy and lethargic, but still seems to spend all my time cycling around the city. On one night cycle for hours to a rave on the outskirts of the city. Like a lot the abandoned airport in Berlin. Oh yeah, vaping. Found a dead bumble bee. Speak with Nevin about projects. Write a piece about the future of the art world for a magazine being started by Nevin’s friend in Canada. Go to Lithuania. Walk around Vilnius, get too drunk by myself. Get to the Curonian Spit and Nida, beaches and new friends. For the Nightlife Residency project. For a short while life is like on a desert island of new food, new people, new locations, quiet and new meaning. Go to the Russian border on the beach. Cycle to the road boarder and get stopped by the police. Go nude on the beach for the first time. Sauna, sand dunes and forests. DJ out for the first time in ages, this time with Nono. To Kaunus and try nice and stodgy Georgian food for the first time. Hackney Wick back for party. Meet a ginger girl online and go on a date. Wallace Collection again. Free beer and pizza. White Cube. National Gallery, Titian. On BBC Radio London with my Dad. Riverside beers. Saw a lost swan near my front door. Meet Keaton near his work, one of many times. Making more and more music, getting better. Decide I need more organisation and clarity, put everything I’ve done on a blog. More or less long since given up on my job at M Woods. But don’t really begin looking for anything new because it’s still sunny. At some point I start getting benefits money. Go to see La Haine in the cinema. Someone blocks me on WeChat because of me. Some pub somewhere. Sunday walks and breakfast with my parents. Go to an exhibition in Woolworth Road with Muzi. Realise how nice it is to run to Victoria Park along the canal. Vicky Park in general. Dinners at friends’ houses. Museum of London. Walking with Michael in some countryside near London, surprising how quickly things turn green. Break onto a pier in Wapping with Jack. Battersea Park. Tate, Bruce Nauman. Old Street Weatherspoon’s with Keaton, drugs. Central London cemetery. Chinese in Camberwell. Chinese in Aldgate. Italian in Camberwell. More and more exercise, running, weights and yoga with my brother. Sadie Coles. Nick, Central London. Gucci Mane. Hampstead Heath more because Ludo and his flatmates are nearby. Ludo’s now house more for days and nights of you guessed it. Borough Market more, with Emma. Alexandra Palace walk and famous sandwiches after. Tate Britian new lights. More time at Muzi’s. Signing up for cycle courier. LYL Radio show. Shave head. Take acid and it hurts my stomach. Camden Arts Centre with Muzi. Christmas party with friends. Birthday. Cake with Muzi, presents and Indian takeaway from family, walk in Vicky Park with Ludo and Karim plus battered sausage and chips. Christmas at home nice and warming meal. Evening to Ludo’s place with more friends. Boxing day with Matthew, pints and then more at his house in Peckham all night long. Next day is tough! Giant turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey curry. Buy first NFTs. New Year’s Eve stay in at Muzi’s, one drink and a cake.

[prider-parker-imaginations]

ℍ𝕠𝕝𝕕 𝕋𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥, 𝕊𝕨𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥

Title: Hold Tight, Sweetheart

Characters: Peter Parker x Male!Stark!Reader (can be read as platonic or romantic)

Warnings: grief, language, implied PTSD, Endgame spoilers, Far From Home spoilers, honestly just angst

Prompt: Rainbow by Kesha

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N: My submission for @locke-writes Intro to 2020 Challenge! / Sequel can be found here!

“Sorry you had to ditch your friends.” You crouched beside Peter in the cathedral tower overlooking the carnival below. The two of you would have blended in with the gargoyles, just two shadows against the night sky if anyone had deigned to look up. “Also sorry Fury chewed you out earlier. That was a dick move.”

Peter let out a breath through his nose, his head lowering a fraction. The lights below reflected like stars in his eyepieces. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

You shrugged one shoulder and tried to suppress a pang of guilt. You hadn’t seen Peter since the funeral. “Been keeping busy.” This was something you were good at. Throwing yourself back into your work was a way to keep moving forward. It was a way to move on without really moving on. You could just pretend like nothing had changed. When your life gets turned upside down, finding a new centre of gravity was better than dealing with the vertigo. Leaving Peter behind had simply been an unfortunate side effect. 

“It’s been awhile.”

You rubbed the back of your neck. “Yeah. That’s my bad.”

“No, it’s okay, I get it.”

An uncomfortable silence stretched on for several beats.

“You don’t... think all this is weird?” he asked after a minute.

Laughter drifted up from the crowd far below and you frowned. “Which part?”

It was Peter’s turn to shrug in the dark.

You shifted so you were sitting cross-legged on the ledge, elbows on your thighs. “Weird is kind of an understatement nowadays. I just punch what Fury tells me to punch.”

“How, uh... how’s Morgan?”

Your gut twisted and you stared harder into the festivities below. “I haven’t been home in awhile,” you admitted, the words feeling strange on your tongue. The cabin had never been your home. You had only visited a handful of times since the funeral. It was a place filled with a life you had never been a part of. A life that had moved on without you. The only connection you would have had to it was gone. You weren’t sure you knew how to be part of a family anymore. You wanted to like Morgan, you really did. She was a great kid. But every time you looked at her, your stomach squeezed. And as nice as Pepper was, you couldn’t help but feel like an intruder. You had been part of Tony’s life, not hers. No, working was better for you. It was better for everyone. You sniffed and blamed it on the cool night air. “She misses him though.”

Peter gave a small nod, “Yeah, me too.”

You swallowed, casting the teen a sidelong glance. “What about you? How’ve you been holding up?”

Up here in the darkness, even with his face shrouded, you couldn’t help but notice how young Peter looked. You were both young, you reminded yourself, though you hadn’t felt young in a long time. “I didn’t expect to be saving the world this summer. I know it sounds stupid but I just wanted to try being normal for a little while.”

You pulled one knee up to your chest, resting your chin in the crook of your arm. “I know what you mean. I never really got to have a normal life. I was angry about that for a really long time. It was just easier to be pissed off.”     “What made you change your mind?”

“Bucky helped. And dad too, eventually. He wasn’t the best dad, but he was trying. We had a lot of lost time to make up for. I didn’t have to live in the dark anymore. I could try to be a person again instead of just some tool to hurt people. My head’s still fucked up but it’s my head again.” You tilted your chin to look up at the sky, your eyes tracing over the constellations as if they held some sign telling you how to move on from a life that was never really yours to begin with. They twinkled back silently. A sigh fell from your lips, “I’ll never have a normal life. I think I accepted that a long time ago.” 

Even as you spoke the words, ou knew they weren’t entirely true. Yes, you had given up for a long time. Hydra had ruined your chances at anything normal when they turned your life upside down the first time all those years ago and made you into a weapon to use as they pleased. But there had been a brief window where you had hoped. Once you had been freed of Hydra and found your father, things had been almost good. They hadn’t been easy. There was a lot you needed to learn how to do again. You’d forgotten how to daydream, so consumed with all the wrong things Hydra had implanted in your head. But you hadn’t been alone. Now, though? Now there was even more of a reason for you to throw yourself into your work.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting a normal life, though. You might not get it, but it’s okay to want it. I think most of us wish we weren’t who we were sometimes. It’d make things a hell of a lot easier.”

Another stretch of silence fell punctuated only by the noise of the festival below.

“Are you sure you’re okay to do this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You glanced over and felt your throat tighten at the sight of the glasses case in his hands. Your eyes burned as you looked up at the sky again. “Oh. That.”

“I don’t know why he left them to me,” Peter admitted quietly, and you could hear the guilt in his voice.

A rough, joyless laugh fell from your lips. “He trusted you.”

“But you were his son.”

“You were never brainwashed by a terrorist organization bent on world domination.” You forced a tight-lipped smile and wiped at your eyes before he could see the hurt threatening to leak out, “Besides, I never had my dad’s brains. I’d make a shit Iron Man.”

“It’s not for the next Iron Man. It’s for the next Tony Stark,” Peter pointed out softly.

You swallowed hard, struggling to reign in your emotions, “Not helping, Pete.”

“I’m sorry.”

You ran a hand over your face, biting back a groan. You hadn't been trying to make him feel bad. “Don’t be. I just... I have to believe he had his reasons, you know? Picking you over me. You’ve always been better than me. I was just a reminder of all the mistakes he made. All the times he’d fucked up. But you were something new. Something good. I’m just damaged goods. Hydra messed with my head and it's still all fucked up. I’m here to fix all the things I’ve screwed up. But you? You’re here to make something better."

Peter fiddled with his sleeve beneath his webshooter. "I think maybe we're all a little fucked up. Mr. Stark made a lot of mistakes, but you weren’t one of them.”

You bit back a snort. "He didn't even know I existed until after Berlin. Hell, he knew you longer than he knew me. He didn't have to help teach you to be a person again either. You've always been a complete package." You rubbed a hand against your chest, your chin tucked against your neck. “He wasn’t a bad dad. I was just a shitty excuse for a son. Makes sense he wouldn’t want me touching his legacy. Who wants to give a kid who once had Hydra screwing around with his brain and DNA access to a global defence system?”

You swiped the wetness from your eyes and let out a shaky laugh. “Shit, this wasn’t supposed to become a pity party.” You stood sharply, pacing along the ledge. One hand raked through your hair. “Look at us. We’re supposed to be saving the world and here we are. Dad couldn’t just make things easy for us, could he? He brings us back after five fucking years and he’s just-” you stopped short, voice cracking. You drew in a shuddering breath, ducking your head. You pinched the bridge of your nose, chest tight and painful as all the emotions you had been trying to shove down for eight months came bubbling up and out. “He’s just gone.” Your hands moved to your hips as you stared up at the sky as if gravity would help keep the tears in. “I keep working because I don’t know what else to do. I had just found him, Pete. And then that purple bastard came along and-”

You were saved from having to finish the thought when Peter hugged you. You felt something inside you break, the hot anger turning to wet and water. Your nose pressed against his shoulder, hands fisted against the back of his suit. It had been so long since you’d cried. You were a weapon. Weapons didn’t cry. But you were a boy beneath all the shit and that boy was hurting.

“I know,” Peter whispered, thickness in his voice as he held onto you, “I know. I miss him too.” 

You pulled away, using your sleeve to swipe your cheeks dry as best you could. God, you felt pathetic. You were supposed to be a hero, or at least something like one. You were supposed to be watching out for a creature that threatened the entire planet, and instead you were a crying mess. “I’m sorry. Shit, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go.”

“How was it supposed to go?”

    You forced out a half-hearted laugh at the question, “I don’t know. Kick some Elemental ass and then go get drunk maybe. You could tell me about your school year and we could pretend we’re normal and I’m not the most fucked up human on the planet. Something like that.”

    “Here.”

    You blinked as Peter held out the glasses case, vision still blurry with tears. You shook your head, “He left it for you.”

    “He left it for the next Tony Stark. That’s as much you as me. Just try them.”

    Reluctantly, you reached out and opened the case. The glasses lay there over a note with your father’s handwriting. Your throat tightened. When you picked up the glasses, you did so as though they might shatter at your touch. It felt wrong. It felt like you were tainting his legacy, just like being with Pepper and Morgan had felt like you were invading somewhere you shouldn’t. You swallowed a lump in your throat and slipped them on. The lens lit up and you blinked in surprise as a feminine voice sounded by your ear.

    “Stand by for retinal and biometric scan. Retinal and biometric scan accepted. Hello, Mr. Stark.”

    Using that name to address you felt wrong. It felt like you had taken something that didn’t belong to you. Like you weren’t worthy. You swallowed hard, a shaky feeling settling in your chest. “Hey.”

    “Mr. Stark has recorded a message for you. Would you like me to play it?”

`    It felt as though the wind had been knocked out of you, “What?”

    “Mr. Stark has recorded a message for you. Would you like me to play it?” EDITH repeated patiently.

    Your eyes flickered to Peter, searching for courage in the pale eyes of his suit, your heart pounding in your chest, “Yes.”

    “Hey, kiddo.”

    The sound of your father’s voice washed over you and it was like someone had reached into your chest and wrapped their first around your heart. You covered your mouth with your hand, choking down a sob. Peter reached out and took hold of your other hand, offering a gentle squeeze.

    “I’m going to skip over the whole ‘if you’re listening to this, I must be gone’ spiel. We both already know that and I’ve got more important things to say. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. And I’m sorry I’m not there now. You deserved a better dad than me. I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my life. Not being there for you when you were little was one of them. I couldn’t give you the family you deserved. If I could go back and do everything again, that’s what I’d change. All this talk about time travel and all I can think about is if I could somehow save you from the hurt you’ve endured. But that’s not how it works, so I’ll settle for just having you back. If I can’t change the past, maybe I can change the future. I’m just sorry I can’t be there to see it with you. I hope you can forgive me.

“You’ve been through so much and you know better than anyone that life can be terrifying. But you’re still here, or at least, you will be. I know you can make it. Our scars make us who we are, and you’re strong, and you’re good. What’s left of your heart is made of gold. You’re my son, and I love you more than you’ll ever know. Hold tight. You gotta learn to let go. Put the past behind you. Trust me, I know the ghosts will try to find you. But you have so much ahead of you, so much more than anything you could ever leave behind. You have the chance to create your own legacy. Not my legacy, not Hydra’s legacy. Yours. You and Peter, you’ve both got so much potential. That’s not from me. That’s from you. So make the world a better place, but do it the way you know how. And do me a favour and look out for your little sister, okay? The world is a scary place and she’s gonna need her big brother to help her find her way through it. I’m proud of you. And I love you.”

EDITH’s voice sounded again, quieter this time, “Message ended.”

Hot tears continued to track down your cheeks and you could taste salt on your lips as you slipped the glasses off of your face and handed them back to Peter.

“Are you okay?” the boy asked softly, his fingers still brushing yours. You could hear the wetness in his voice and picture the dampness of his cheeks even behind the mask.

You shook your head. A shuddering breath fell from your lips. “Not yet. But I’ll get there.”

--- --- --- --- ---

A slow smirk curled Quentin’s lips as he listened over the hacked comms and added to his mental list of weaknesses to exploit. You were almost making it too easy as you spilled your guts to Peter, all your doubts and regrets. All that pain, right there for him to twist and mold as he saw fit. Two mourning, lonely boys desperate for a father figure, desperate for guidance and comfort and reassurance. He could do that. He could wrap the two damaged boys around his finger easily, digging his claws deep into those broken places.

He pressed a button on his own private comm, “Riva, open a file on the Stark kid. Compile all the information you can find on his time with Hydra. Look into the Bucky guy too. Might be something there we can use in case things go south. Get Guterman to come up with something that’ll help me relate to him too. Maybe some sort of Hydra equivalent brainwashing a friend or having to undergo experiments to get my powers, something like that. It’ll look good to have Stark’s kid supporting me until he tragically reverts to his former training and I’m forced to kill him.”

“On it, boss.”

“And start prepping the simulation. I’ve heard all I need and I’m getting sick of listening to them cry over Stark. It’s time for some real action.”

[formandtone]

Simphiwe Dana: Bamako

Simphiwe Dana released her highly anticipated fifth studio album on 24 April 2020. In terms of anniversaries, it’s a big year for Dana whose albums Kulture Noir and Firebrand were released 10 and 5 years ago respectively .

 It is a nod to the city after which it is named, Bamako. Out of all her albums this one is a display of vocal prowess we don’t often have the pleasure of hearing.Dana sounds like she is at her most powerful harnessing various textures and colours of her voice. It seems now more than ever is her time to experiment with range, not only just how high or low her voice can go, but the many ways she can contort it as a means of bringing her lyricism to life. Dana is considered one of this generation's voices of political consciousness. Professor Pumla Gqola’s A Renegade Called Simphiwe has gifted readers interested in the star, or readers interested in how we archive figures of our popular culture a detailed analysis to the meaning of the persona Simphiwe Dana as a cultural and political icon of this generation. But there are very few occasions when we reflect on the power of Dana as a composer. 

Bamako is her latest invitation to think through how she uses the aural to celebrate progress in African music. Thinking about this album during Africa month is even more poignant as this opus pretty much celebrates the Pan-African strides music has made in the past 60 years since the ‘west wind’ (to borrow from Miriam Makeba’s song) of independence swept the African continent. African artists have a longstanding tradition of collaboration and musical cross-pollination. Dana is the latest to extend on this with her work with legendary Malian artist, Salif Keita and his band. 

This collaboration’s significance is further accented by the upcoming 25th anniversary of Keita’s Folon. This is important to note as one of the songs, “Masibambaneni” is merged with Keita’s iconic single “Africa”. Keita has always been interested in advancing African music and particularly the connections between African artists probably far more than any other artist of his generation. Keita has always been at the cusp of genre bending with his voice belting out notes over the sound that is a combination of electronic and traditional instrumentation. Keita, who is of royal descent traceable to Soundiata Keita who founded the Mandinka Empire in 1240 along with his peers like Youssou N'dour, Mory Kante and Oumou Sangare who hail from various parts of this region musically hold together the remnants of a history that stretched much further than the confinements of the Berlin Conference. 

There is an aspect of the album that guides us to perceive Bamako in a specific way. The opening song, the experimentation onomatopoeically with synths, an imitation of the opening bars invites warmth to our ears. There is the sense that Dana as producer wants us to experience the city that inspired this work. Of course there are the instruments which are distinct to Mali however the arrangements in their entirety bring the city to our ears. Dana takes us along on her pilgrimage to one of Africa’s ancient cultures. She also does something I doubt has ever really been successfully executed by an artist so consistently. The vocal and instrumental traditions of two very distinct countries converge on this album so neatly and effortlessly, making this collaboration between these genius artists ever more exciting. Both are interested in listeners experiencing our genres anew, smashing the borders we create by categorizing creativity and unknowingly or knowingly locking artists in labels that don’t quite make sense to musicians interested in the boundlessness of composition. 

Genre bending allows us to actually listen to music and what it communicates to our spirit.

A lot of young South Africans are likely to have been introduced to Keita’s work among other West and East African icons like Kadja Nin and Ismael Lo through the “Simunye: We Are One” era of SABC 1 when the channel would stream Channel O.

For those who weren’t born then, there is Bamako. 

One of the reasons the album is of interest to me is because of the historical links we listeners can make. This year is a historically important year for South Africa. Many have honoured the release of South Africa’s first black president. However another unprecedented moment took place this year 110 years ago. On 21 September 1910 Mpilo Walter Benson Rubusana (WB Rubusana) won a seat in the Cape Provincial Council of the Union of South Africa, the same year the Union was officially founded. This history comes to mind when Simphiwe sings, “Zemk’ inkomo magwalandini” which borrows the title of Rubusana’s poetry collection- the first by a black writer to ever be published. Born in 1858, a year after the infamous Cattle Killings of pre-colonial Eastern Cape, Rubusana’s decision to even campaign for a seat in the Council was sparked by betrayal. Of this moment public intellectual Pallo Jordan writes: 

“Walter Rubusana’s candidacy in the Provincial Council elections of 1910 was correctly considered by all observers as a bold step indeed. Two years previously, in an editorial written by John Tengo Jabavu, the African electors of the Cape had assured the white electorate that they felt no need to put forward African candidates in elections because of their faith in the fairmindedness of their white counterparts. Such faith had been found to be misplaced when the Constitution for the Union of South Africa was drawn up with its notorious ‘colour bar’ clauses. Rubusana’s candidacy was a response to this affront, as well as an act of political self-assertion on the part of the African electorate of the Cape who had too long allowed themselves to live in the shadow of the white liberal political establishment. Rubusana was chosen as the instrument for these purposes because of the prestige he enjoyed within the black community and in recognition of his personal contribution to the political struggles of that community.”

The second is the song “Mkhonto” whose arrangement sounds very similar to igwijo in honor of Solomon Mahlangu, an Umkhonto We Sizwe operative executed by the apartheid regime on 6 April 1979. Some of South Africa’s popular struggle songs were composed by musically trained vocalists. For example the Port Elizabeth born activist, poet, dancer, actor and singer Vuyisile Mini who penned “Ndod’ Emnyama” was a bass singer in the PE Men’s Vocal choir. South Africa has a rich choral culture which is not surprising that amagwijo were composed so easily on the spot. It’s also probably why they are mostly in rondo form given their shortness. They never really digress beyond the couplet, which is simply the main melody and slight change that feels like a verse. “Zabalaza” is another that uses the igwijo model whose effect is closely tied to repetition for the stirring of emotion. The beauty of a vamp is though you sing the same melody, you actually never sing it the same way. Dana achieves this through the dynamics in her voice-how it rises and falls at various points. 

As it pertains to the political, Dana expresses disdain for the decline in our state of affairs, where it appears that a people-centred political mandate has been abandoned for looting of resources and abuse of power by those elected in power. Dana’s further reference of Winnie Madikizela-Mandela’s words spoken, “singayisusa nanini' in “Uzokhala”' is an artist reminding people of their power to bring about revolution, while using “Usikhonzile” to imagine humane leadership for which the likes of Rubusana are remembered. 

For the most part Dana preoccupies herself with love and heartbreak with some tracks like “Kumnyama” and “Bye Bye Naughty Baby” and taking on the feel of preludes scaffolding the albums overarching theme. Dana has never gone down this path in terms of themes as far as she has with this album. Black South African artists are usually expected to provide political commentary, they are barely expected to bring their humanity in all its nuances to their work. Dana talking so openly about the complexities of love is unexpected from an artist like her. This work sees Dana unburden herself from this weird expectation proving just how very versatile her pen is. Love in Dana’s world traverses various landscapes. There is love in ethical leadership as she shows in “Usikhonzile”. There is also love in closing the door on relationships that aren’t reciprocal. And as demonstrated in “Mr I” there is love in acknowledging the difficulties of leaving, in exhausting all possibilities as an attempt to salvage a relationship. This work looks closely at the debris left in the wake of a broken heart and she acknowledges that sometimes there are no easy answers if at all, and there is no way forward except to retreat and lick wounds. 

Dana’s music is heavy laden with meaning. There is never anything final about the subject matter she explores in her music. Listening to this album feels like being asked a series of questions. Dana pushes us to think differently about the world. Where lyrics fail, it is music that fills in the gaps. I particularly enjoy the weightedness in the introductory verse of “Gwegweleza”, a song that addresses the unfair financial burdens placed on single mothers by absent fathers. Because Dana is interested in change, there is the sense that she asks men whether they are going to continue with their deadbeat behavior. For how long are we going to exist in a world where an alarmingly high number of men continue to be irresponsible? 

Her deliberate and careful structuring of the music with her legendary co-producer is reflective of an artist who not only aims to entertain, but who wants us to imagine with her a better world, and from there proceed to bring it to existence. 

[dillydedalus]

what i read in may

how is it may lmao... anyway i went thru a bit of reading slump this month and i’d like to pretend it’s bc i had a lot of uni stuff to do (i did) but tbh it’s bc game of thrones infected me with Vintage* ASOIAF Feels & i didn’t really care about reading anything else

celestial bodies, jokha alharthi (tr. from arabic) quiet and evocative novel about a network of families in a village in oman, told over three (?) generations, but centred on three sisters, mayya, asma and khawla (but not as focused on them as i would have liked). interesting to get some insight into omani society, class relations (& especially slavery and the now-free slaves), gender, tradition and westernisation, but it’s also really lovely and sad. ultimately a bit scattered and vague tho. 3/5

the taming of the shrew, billy shakes (uni) academia and assorted shakespeareans like bending over backwards to explain why this is not misogynist but actually subversive/farcical/ironic/meta or whatever and that’s a fine & worthy endeavour i’m sure but the only valid reading of the taming is that kate is actively plotting to murder petruccio in every single scene so... that’s that on that. misandry stars/5 

vinegar girl, anne tyler (uni) y’all i don’t have high expectations for hogarth shakespeare entries (tho shylock really won me over last month) but fuck this was bad. staggeringly BAD, both as a book and as an adaptation of shrew. it starts out with a completely declawed & detoothed kate, who on the scale of ‘timid wifey’ to ‘shrewish firebrand’ is uh ‘apathetic & slightly sour’.... which is a choice i guess. in the beginning i hoped we were seeing a kate who was repressing her rage (and there is one genuinely great line where the bianca annoys kate while she’s gardening and ‘kate stuffed a snarl of vine into the trash bag’ like okay anne that’s cool) and that the taming would be reverse, i.e. would free kate to feel & act on her rage. but instead... honestly i can’t even tell you what the arc was instead? there’s no real taming, kate (who is very stuck in her life and job) just chooses this green card marriage to become a little bit less stuck and i guess pyotr (petruccio) likes her the way she is, that is sour and Not Like Her Dumb Blonde Sister. and then in the end we get a speech about how men have it really hard bc they never learn how to deal with feelings (when kate throughout the book has herself struggled w/ social skills). can’t wait to rip this apart in class. 1/5 (ALSO how did hogarth have atwood on their roster and not give her the shrew wtf)

doctor wooreddy’s prescription for enduring the ending of the world, mudrooroo (uni) for my postcolonial australia course; it’s about the colonisation of australia and genocide against indigenous australians from the pov of tasmanians and an englishman who’s never seen a white man’s burden he didn’t immediately pick up (all based on real historical people). lots of interesting stuff in there (i’d love to read something about gender roles/gendered spaces in indigenous australian culture) but tbh it’s a bit of a slog (at 200 pages...) 2/5 embassytown, china miéville cool scifi novel about weird alien languages (the ariekei, who speak with two mouths at once and cannot lie - apparently their language doesn’t signify so...uh. linguistically not particularly sound at all but a) it’s a cool concept, b) they’re aliens so like whatever) and what happens when humans, not possessing two mouths and very much capable of lying, communicate with them. there is a lot of really original & fascinating concepts here but some problems w/ the execution (pacing/characters mainly) - not as much as with city&city tho. 3.5/5

the little prince, antoine de saint-exupéry (tr. from french) i wanted something short & bittersweet & this is it. anyway i have these vague & but very vivid memories of seeing like. a slide show of this w/ narration at the berlin planetarium when i was a kid & that is the best way to consume this story. 4/5

the year of the death of ricardo reis, josé saramago (tr. from portuguese) took me nearly 2 months to finish this & it’s under 500 pages which should already say a lot. i enjoyed this while reading mostly, and saramago’s style is beautiful, but it is a bit of a drag & reis honestly is not particularly sympathetic or interesting. the undercurrent of the rise of fascism is the best thing about the novel & makes the end really work but there’s too much tangential meandering about how old dude ricky reis is obsessed with a mucher younger girl and like... yawn. i will try again w/ saramago tho. 2/5

follow the rabbit-proof fence, nugi garimara (uni) story about three young girls with indigenous australian mothers and white fathers escaping from the residential school they were abducted to as part of the stolen generations, based on the author’s mother’s own life. it’s an impressive story of resilience and survival, but perfunctorily written. we’re also going to watch the film & that should be interesting. 2/5

everything under, daisy johnson i find it quite hard to talk about this bc there’s something quite vague and uncertain about it, something elusive. some things i will say: vivid, lyrical prose; the setting (oxford canal boat community) is great, the monster is genuinely creepy, and i really like the three (or 4?) narrative strands and how they interweave. i kind of wish i hadn’t known which greek myth it was a loose adaptation of (so i won’t say here) bc i definitely spent too much time trying to map the myth onto the book - and the ‘reveal’ might have been better w/o that knowledge anyway. 3.5/5

the sparrow, maria doria russell wonderful wonderful warm & human & tragic scifi novel about JESUITS IN SPACE!!! told in two timelines: in the first, set mainly in 2019 (which is great) music from another planet is transmitted to earth and emilio sandoz, jesuit linguist + multilingual (@hbo or netflix: cast oscar isaac please & thank), and his closest friends are chosen (by god?? MAYBE) to go on a secret space mission to make first contact bc jesuits.... have a lot of.... experience... with that. everyone is hopeful, curious, excited, and our guy emilio is literally radiant with god’s love or whatever. in the second timeline, 2060, emilio has been sent home by a second expedition, who have since gone radio silent, the only survivor, disturbingly (!) mutilated, broken in mind and body and unwilling to talk. all we know: the 2nd expedition found him in a brothel & he immediately killed the alien child who led them to him. so... what went wrong? (how could... first contact.... possibly go wrong...?) what did emilio do? was whatever happened god’s will? sorry i’m not super coherent about this but IT’S GREAT MY DUDES. also between this & canticle my scifi subgenre really just is ‘scifi but make it religious’. 4.5/5 

on the whole, not a great reading month, but the sparrow... *chef kiss* & i’m currently reading the artifical silk girl (relatable hot mess in weimar berlin) which is.... AMAZING... alfred döblin who???

[bestofallhans]

Suspiria-singly good

Dario Argento's name has been familiar to me since taking Film Studies at KCL in the early 2000s. However, as a bona fide scaredy cat, I'd never seen anything he'd made until this weekend. The hype around Luca Guadagnino's remake of Suspiria got to me, and knowing I wanted to see the new version, and being a film snob, I couldn't see it without having the original as a reference point.

It's only fair, surely, if someone takes the time to remake a film, to see what they are trying to beat. So at the weekend, Matt and I sat down to the 1977 psychedelic horror classic so we could see the new one with the smug assurance that we could be judgemental from a position of armchair expertise.

The original isn't long, but it's intense. The colour palette, the swinging camera angles, the rapid rack-focus shots so popular in the Seventies and in horror and of course, Goblin's brutalising soundtrack. The whole thing is very convincing in making you feel off kilter and spooked. Normal isn't on the menu.

I'm not going to give too much away, but don't read on if you want to watch either film with uneducated eyes!

There's lot to like in the 1977 version. It's aged well in my opinion, despite sometimes being eye-roll inducing in its treatment of female agency. Objectively, Suzy is a meek and innocent character, and in the 1970s film that is justified as her being 'a good girl' rather than needing any extra narrative padding. In the 2018 remake, Suzy is from a Menonite family in Ohio - innocent isn't enough, she's got to be "clean" of the modern world for us to believe in her (as the film explicitly states).

Setting

Both films are set in the 1970s - and this is a really interesting counterpoint between the films. What was contemporary for Argento is historical for Guadagnino. He does a great job. West Berlin homes and streets are filled with little details that convince us. Fashions are both recognisable and subtle enough to feel like real people would be wearing those clothes (unlike his 2016 film A Bigger Splash, after which I spent many months hankering after Tilda's character's iconic tie back shirt dress. Dior, catwalk collection, unpurchase-able for mere mortals).

Other reviewers have criticised the setting of the new film as heavy-handed and superfluous. I disagree... the backdrop of the Baader-Meinhof standoff and the Cold War give us a sense of foreboding and being watched that I think is useful in the narrative. In fact, I'd suggest that for an Italian film-maker, contemporary Frankfurt feels totally random in the original. Argento clearly isn't concerned with the wider world in his story - I almost feel Frankfurt was chosen because it allowed for outlandish architecture.

Soundtrack

Goblin's original soundrack does 75% of the aural work of making us feel unnerved. The teachers at the Dance School are rude, dominating and conspiratorial, but without that incisive synth theme and the whispered insinuations, you could be left confused rather than unsettled.

Thom Yorke's first foray into film soundtracking isn't anyway near as central to the mood of the new movie. In fact, at points, you find yourself thinking of him instead of allowing the soundtrack to embellish the action on screen. As much as I admire Thom, this is a failure. I shouldn't hear the soundtrack so much as feel it. Anytime I heard Thom's voice I was snapped back out of my suspension of disbelief.

Story

THe new film adapts the original screenplay - and does a great job of making new points without departing from the original storyline. 40 years makes for not that much change for some of the subtler points of Argento's narrative. Silenced women dominate the new plot, with revenge playing a strong role. Suffice to say that you would not want to cause any of these women to chalk one up against you.

In contrast to the original, there's no 'big reveal' that these women are witches. Within 5 minutes of meeting them, we witness telepathic connection, sinister movement in space and conspiratorial glances. Then the hastily departing Olga shouts "Witches!" back into the rehearsal room. No girlish whispers here - these women are in leauge with darkness.

In 1977, manipulation was the chief player - older women twisting pliable young minds just like dance contorted their bodies. The girls were students - learning the art of the older women, who were masterful in dance and control. From the first interactions between Suzy and Miss Tanner, you were made very aware of the power imbalance. Suzy was expected to be compliant and silent. In fact, that is assured by their actions. The girls aren't generally friendly to each other, and Suzy's friendship with Sarah feels more like desperation than connection.

Guadagnino's film is very different on that count - Sara is fiercely defensive of the company - now a professional troupe not a school, and her friendship with Suzy seems equal and freely given. Despite TIlda Swinton's visual intensity, she is kind to her troupe. The other teachers may laugh under their breath, but they are supportive and fun. But make no mistake, the Company is still exacting. Ballet, eh?

Dance actually plays a role on screen in 2018 too - rehearsal spaces, audition rooms, performances and costumes play a central role in the plot. In the 1977 film, they are incidental spaces through which we pass rather than action taking place in them. The characters are dancers by chance, not design. For Guadagnino, this fact is crucial.

A dance film?

So, is Suspiria 2018 a dance film? I think it is. I saw homages to The Red Shoes, Black Swan and the plots of classical ballets. The role of dance is central to the story, it drives the action and has a direct influence on both characters and outcomes. Without dance, the story wouldn't make sense. I don't think that was true of the 1977 film.

Tilda's Madame Blanc makes Suzy practice jumps, with great cinematographic emphasis on her feet. I was reminded of the infamous scene in Black Swan when Nina practices pirouettes in her room until her toenails shatter. The intensity of dance is front and centre. You are on a knife edge as a dancer - any injury could be end of your career, any correction could tip you over the edge mentally. As Madame Blanc says "you have to enpty yourself out, make a space inside for me". Literally, in this case; metaphorically for the dance artist embodying a choreographer's intention.

There are other scenes (that I won't go into detail about, to save spoilers) that make up the majority of the early horror scenes of the film that also allude to the physical manipulation that goes with being a dancer. In fact, despite the lack of adherence to realism from Guadagnino's horror scenes, these were still disturbing enough to have me squirming. And if you've ever seen a German post-modern dance company perform, tell me it hasn't crossed your mind that the maniacal shape-throwing doesn't risk these kinds of injuries?

You're left feeling stretched thin by the tension.

Which witch?

I loved both films - the vintage reel is all psychedelic prog rock and high drama, whilst the modern cut is taut, weird and vengeful.

Both have flaws for sure - it's hard to judge a film made forty years ago, but it has moments of humour that I don't think were intentional. There's a little too much heroineism and not enough grey areas for a mdoern audience, and characterisation is thin, but for a 40 year old budget horror flick, I can forgive these.

This year's version also has moments of humour, but they are almost fourth wall breaking. There's also the fact that in a film with three male actors with speaking roles, one of those is, in fact, played by a woman. I'll leave you to find out the details of that particular in-joke. Oh, and there's a great moment involving poking a policeman's exposed knob. I may be a film snob, but no one is too haughty to laugh at a knob joke.

The new film is, in places, clunky - there's much around the edges of the main plot that foxed me, and not because I missed anything. Most of the dancers never have a line of speech. And, more intrinsically to the overall impression the film leaves, the finale is... questionable. It's more the execution than the storyline, but I found myself looking at the set rather than concentrating on the action.

Go see it. It's a female-led film, about women's collective and individual power, with a strong message about revenge and memory. We need more of those in the world, even if they aren't perfect.

[taurus-annie-main]

Hotline [m]

smut /// You can Chanyeol engage in some ‘fun’ over the phone.

“Phone sex?”

“Phone sex.” He repeats, feeling as though all the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders.

Ever since the touring started, it was all he could think about. He’d been to numerous countries and cities, but he'd always find himself twisting and turning in bed, lust gnawing at his every being.He’d watched countless pornos, and of course he got off to them, it’s porn! But there was something about hearing your voice that got him harder than ever. It felt more personal.

“Since when were you into phone sex?” You ask, unable to contain a giggle. "Now," He says. "Well, not now, now but as of recently. Is it weird?"

"Not at all," you say. "I have to say, I'm kinda surprised we haven't done it before."

"Really?"

You nod, but then remember he can’t see you, he’s on the other side of the world. Where is he now, Berlin or Britain? You can’t remember, they're always on the move and you've lost track of the tour dates.

"Well, since you're gone for a good chunk of the month, I thought we would've tried it out before. It's what those people in long distance relationships do."

"Can we try today?" he asks. "Unless you're in the middle of something."

"I'm not doing anything," you say."You actually caught me at a good time, I've just finished the Murderous Wives box set."

"Hmm, sexy," he says. "That's the last crime box set I'll buy you. Don't mean to derail but have you done it before?"

His question sends your memory into overdrive as you recount the awkward stints of phone sex you'd had with a long distance 'boyfriend', but you were young back then. "Wouldn't you like to know. But yes, I have done it before. I thought I was good back then, but we'll see if my skills have held up."

“You’ll be good, no amazing!” He’s speaking quicker, it’s like he can’t get his words out quick enough, “Are you game?”

“Yeah, are we starting now?”

He’s locking the door because nothing screams mood killer like Jongin bursting in the room.

“Yes, I’ll start. Where are you?” He asks. "Is that alright?"

You snort, "It's alright babe, and in the living, I’m sitting on the sofa.”

“Which one?”

“The one nearest to the door.”

He chuckles, “The one where we fucked on last month, do you remember?”

Of course you remember, it was too good not to forget. Chanyeol had walked in after a gruesome practice and his hands were immediately on your body, tugging your shirt over your head, ridding you of your jeans. His voice was hoarse and asking you to ride him.

“I do, I wouldn’t be able to forget.” The memory was making the room hotter.

“Me too, I don’t think you know how good you felt around my cock, I wanted to go harder and rougher but I thought I’d break you.”

“Once you come back we can go rougher. I think I can take it,” You say. "How does that sound?"

He’s undoing the tie on his sweatpants, “I can’t wait, please tell me what you’re wearing?”

At times like this you wish you wore sexy clothing around the house, but no, you walk around the house wearing whatever you can find, nowadays it’s Chanyeol’s clothing. “I’m wearing your jersey shirt thing, the one that's too damn big.”

You can hear the gulp from the other end, “Ah...of course, it’s like you knew I was gonna ask you for phone sex, so you just had to wear my clothes. You sneaky woman.”

“Oh and I’m not wearing a bra, I’m sure you don’t mind, right?”

He closes his eyes and lets his mind paint a picture of you in his shirt, with your nipples standing to attention, making evident tents in the shirt. “I don’t mind, but you wouldn’t mind touching your breasts for me, thinking of me doing too.”

“I don’t mind,” You slip one hand under the shirt, it rests on your stomach before travelling up and up, stopping when it reaches the soft mounds of your breasts. Although it your hands, all you can think about is Chanyeol’s much larger ones. He’ll probably be doing it harder, squeezing the flesh whilst having his mouth on our neck.

“I hope you’re thinking of me,” He says, imagining his own hands in the place of yours.

You begin rolling your nipple in between your index and thumb, “Uh huh…”  He’s all you can think about, how does smell? Is he wearing his usual cologne?

“W-what are you wearing?” You ask.

“I’m wearing the grey sweats you bought me, that’s it, I just got out of the shower,” You audibly groan at the mental image. His grey locks are probably sticking to his forehead, dripping droplets onto his bare shoulders. His sweats are lying low on his waist, there’s a small brush of dark hair appearing from his waistband then dispersing at his bellybutton.

You pinch your nipples harder, “Ahh...are you touching yourself?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Please.”

He slips his under his waistband, and lets his hand rest on the quickly forming tent, “Only because you said please,” he begins to rub his crotch, it’s nothing too rough but it’s enough that his breathing becomes harder and louder.

His breaths are sending small but fiery waves to the centre of your legs, “Can I touch myself?” You ask, voice breathy.

He takes his cock in his hand, letting out a rough moan as he does, “Yes,” His thumb swirls the droplet of pre-cum around the head of his cock, he’s only thinking of what your mouth must feel like. Warm and wet, then you’ll be looking up at him from your position.

Your fingers dive into your shorts, totally bypassing the cotton covering your pussy. You rub your fingers around your folds, collecting the wetness before moving to your clit. “Fuck...Chanyeol…” You make small circles around your clit, each on makes your hips jutt little by little.

“Babe, I wish you were here…” He gulps. His cock is twitching in the grasp of his hands, he tightens his grip around the girth, just like you usually do. He’s doing everything like you usually do.

“Me too,” You say as you slide your two fingers inside yourself, but it’s nothing like his, his fingers are longer and thicker. You can handle three of your own but you can’t handle three of his, it’s too much of a stretch. But now, you wouldn’t mind the stretch. “Yeol, I’m fingering myself.”

“Are you g-going slow?”

“Yes.”

“Go fast,” You can only imagine what he’s doing, but there’s nothing more you want than to have him inside you. Him filling you up, him thrusting harder.

You quickly adhere to his command. You can feel yourself nearing your peak, you slide another finger in, thanks to how wet you are, it fits in like glove. Your hips are moving along to the thrusts of your fingers as your mouth only forms his name, over and over.

“Fuck, keep saying my name…” He moans. His lip is firmly locked in between his teeth, it’s probably gonna be bruised later on. But that’s the last thing he thought off. There more important things going, such as you moaning and fingering yourself through the phone. And his hand quickening his pace on his length.

“I-i gonna…” that’s all you can get out, your head’s a mess. It’s like a sensory overload. You’re finger slide in and out quicker, not stopping when your walls begin to contract around your fingers, “Oh...fuck! C-chanyeol-”

His eyes squeeze tighter and his hips begin to move in erratic short burst. It’s like there’s a spring being twisted tighter and tighter, it’s withstanding the pressure to spring free.

“Ahh-a!” Your orgasm rips through your body, you ride out the after waves, not letting your fingers out until you can feel yourself calming down.

There’s suddenly loud rustling from the other end, Chanyeol’s dropped the phone. His now free hand was gripping the duvet as the spurts of cum were let loose.

“Chanyeol?” You ask after catching your breath.

There’s more rustling on the other line, “Babe...that was-”

“Amazing?”

“Fucking amazing.”

A/N

Anytime i revise my old fics, I dissassociate. I don't know who I was when I wrote this...but clearly I was feeling it.

This was insipired by my phone sex escapades, back in the day I was an avid phone sexer and not to be big headed, I was amazing. I could be on the laptop reading forums whilst on the phone giving my boyfriend life with the most breathiest voice and naughitest words.

[twistednuns]

August 2019

India // It’s incredibly hard to sum up my feelings about India and Nepal. It was a truly incredible trip. And so exhausting. It was enriching, interesting, hard, disgusting, educational, everything. This is not the place to talk about my experience at length so I’ll just write down some nice moments I collected along the way //   

on the go // the huge corner toilet at MUC airport departures / Rischart coffee / the smell of the Emirates airline NOIR lotion they offer in their bathrooms / cherry-flavoured Skittles //    Delhi // brightly painted buses and tuk-tuks / eating at AB veg restaurant in Hauz Khas, inredibly delicious and cheap / being lucky enough to choose the hostel in Hauz Khas village; meeting Dominique, Christie, Ayush, Samar and Julia / all those talks we had about linguistics, education systems, the future, politics, travelling, home, friends, experiences with magic mushrooms, Hannah Arendt, travelling (…); talking to Christy about her past, family, criminal record / Mosambi juice / Nici constantly flirting with me, trying to seduce me. She told me I’m posh, assertive, regal and I know myself very well. Making out with her was fun but honestly… not worth the drama. / Mosambi juice / a consultation with a renowned Ayurveda doctor - I loved talking to her even though she wasn’t able to tell me anything I hadn’t known already; sometimes it’s nice to get the confirmation that what you found out on your own is exactly the right thing / eating momos and Kathi rolls, the best Thalis / parties on the rooftop until the sunrise interrupted us; grilling whole fish, saying goodbye to Julia, singing along to Louise Attaque and Cher songs / riding rickshaws through Delhi; extra fun: squeezing 5 people in and listening to club music / the sheets smelling chalky with a hint of grape sugar / dancing at Raasta / petting cute street doggies / a cooking class with Mansi and her family in North Delhi - delicious food and really nice people, I fell in love with the mum / eating at Social (that building is just amazing) and strolling through the little alleys and stores at Hauz Khas village with Christie; she showed me the place where she got her linnen dresses and we talked to a jewellery store owner for quite a while / the spice market, climbing up a building and watching the men flying their kites, tasting some street food and spices, realiszing that there is a market street dedicated to a single group of things like the shoe market, the jewellery market etc. / the Brit Brats sharing their joints; tripping to Bayonne / the hidden merchant streets with colourful wall art around the entrances / PANEER (!) / stand-up comedy with a female comedian / elevator selfies / learning about the development of Indian scripts and letters/characters in Sanskrit in the National Museum; erotic sculptures, very detailed paintings depicting badass, tiger-hunting ladies / I saw a peacock. Cows, chipmunks, pigs, horses, monkeys, goats, guinea pigs, bunnies, cats and dogs, bats, herons, boars, caterpillars, centipedes, horses, donkeys (…) / finding the perfect triangular earrings with gemstones at the Dilli Haat market; getting some nice dresses, too / living on water and mango juice, feeling very light and clean, having an empty stomach all the time / Gandhi Smriti, retracing Mahatma’s last steps before his assassination / feeling human again after a few days in bed - I love the power of make-up, bananas, fresh clothes and those pink little Pepto-Bismol pills the Canadian lady gave me / Delhi central station; just WOW. It’s places like that which make you realise just how many people there are in India. //   

Rishikesh // the man helping me with the bus to Rishikesh; the kindness of strangers / “I thank the Lord for the people I have found” (Elton John - Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters) / emotional bus rides: crying for no reason, letting go, for the first time in a very long time; emotional turmoil, softening up; leaving people and whole countries behind / seeing the huge Shiva ceremony at the Ganges from the bus / my yoga teacher training, getting to know the other students / learning about a magic trick against bad posture / instant karma / the view from the rooftop, watching the sunrise over the lower Himalaya mountains / the simple, vega, ayurvedic food they offered at the ashram / visiting the temples with the apprentice yogi and his scooter; walking up 13 stories in the blazing sun, receiving a blessing and some red string around my wrist; taking part in the Ganga ceremony at sunset / the Beatles Ashram; it’s just this amazing place with incredible street art, and those ruins, the meditation caves and eggs on the rooftop… climbing up there was one of my highlights in Rishikesh / close second: visiting a meditation cave at the Ganges, a bit further up in the mountains; a monk had spent 15 years in that cave practising meditation / all the beautiful shops around town focussing on yoga accessoires / putting my feet in the Ganges #blessed #moksha / learning about my aggression during silent yoga / all the animals around town: horses, donkeys, cows, monkeys and whatnot //   

Varanasi // taking the night train for the first time; I shared my little compartment with a family and three little children but they were surprisingly dramafree and actually quite cute / a sunset boat trip on the Ganges, seeing the ghats, the ceremonies, the moon rise / the little alleys behind the ghats; the stores, the surprises / Marnikarnika Ghat was really impressive; it’s the cremation place and I saw dead bodies for the first time / accidentally discovering the Dirty Chai Cafe (chocolate peanut butter shakes and fresh, cold mint lemonade), finding a Kamala Das poetry book on the shelf / spending an afternoon with the German journalist (so weird how the atmosphere shifts when you’re accompanied by a man there; also our dynamic made me feel so glad to be travelling alone, to only be responsible for myself, to be independent); sharing a banana and water surrounded by goats in Hanuman Ghat; the view over the river from his room; him gently stroking my cheekbone / buying two saris in a little corner shop / my jewellery quest (unsuccessful) / eating fresh fruit salad after hardly eating solid food for days / checking out that little park on my last day, the air buzzing with dragonflies / watching the sunset from the hostel’s rooftop, filming a slow motion video / India brings out trauma and deep emotions; the people kept staring at me for whatever reason; I kept having disturbing dreams about my dead father and grandmother; and the mob-video Christy showed me didn’t help either (the whole village carried a man through the streets, eventually beating him up because he couldn’t pay off his debts) //   

Nepal // the first view of Nepal from the bus windows - how much greener, how much emptier it is than India / meeting some nice people on the bus - an American, a Brit and two Frenchies; grabbing dinner in Kathmandu with the latter / watching the sunrise at the border between India and Nepal / sitting next to the mayor of small town council on the bus ride; communicating with hand and feet / the Kathmandu valley is such a gorgeous sight / I got lucky with my hostel; Yakety Yak was a really nice and quiet place to stay; they even had laundry service and a shelf with free books - I read two or three of them because I behaved like a good (home)sick German abroad: bed, Haribo, carbonated water, trashy literature / visiting Bhaktapur, a gorgeous small town in the Kathmandu valley / watching the latest Tarantino movie at the cinema; the tickets were incredibly cheap / walking up the hill to the temple and the monastery, enjoying the incredible view over the surrounding hills; meeting two ladies from Austria, they live close to my old university town; walking to the centre through back alleys, stopping at a rooftop cafe, ordering three drinks at once (liquid diet) / that one jewellery store near the Pokhara bus station - I found some gorgeous brass rings with precious stones for little money / the busy square, the markets / hanging out in the hammock in my hostel in Pokhara, overlooking the lake / watching the skydivers land / the ayurvedic cafe and the other place serving smoothie bowls by the lake - it’s such a fantastic moment when you finally feel hungry again and eat a little solid food after fasting/suffering for a few days / two incredibly weird guys from Latvia and Berlin who provided a nice, mellow ending for my shitty day and even made me survive the mosquito attacks / meeting my travel agent who actually took me out dancing and gave me a ride on his motorcycle to the bus stop; he even gave me some fruit for the ride / By the Way starting to play while waiting for Vietnamese food / hunting down a place that sells semi-precious stone columns in Kathmandu; negotiating with the old lady selling them; getting some brass souvenirs for my friends and family / the view from the airplane - seeing the Himalaya for the first time; I pity people who’ve stopped looking out of windows //   

Coming home. I’ve NEVER felt happier entering my apartment after a trip. Being alone. Truly alone. Silence. Three rooms just for me. My bed. Having all my stuff back. Toiletries! Nice body lotion. My favourite perfume. Going to the supermarket. Unpacking all the jewellery, clothes and knick-knacks I bought. Taking care of my plants.   

Making a huge batch of my favourite ratatouille / pasta sauce.   

Visiting Manu in hospital. Cheering him up a little bit.   

Finally receiving my black and white analogue photos. I loved the shot of Andre looking like he’s being kissed by a dementor. And Lexi looking dead cool at ADBK.   

Pizza party at Grano with Lena. Eating sorbet out of a lemon.   

Riding my bike through the forest on a sunny morning. Stopping to take pictures of the beautiful light, the yellow flowers. Spending too much money at the garden center. Driving home, IKEA bags full of plants.  

 Inventing my signature manicure: a little black dot just above the nailbed.   

Having an evening beer outside at Sofa So Good with Andre.   

Stumbling upon Konsti. The one who ghosted me years ago after a beautiful summer spent kissing in lakes because his therapist had told him so. Well, we talked for a few days, but guess what - he just ghosted me for a second time. Fool me one - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me.

[hetmusic]

Interview | Weirdo | HumanHuman

When Going Solo first added the name WEIRDO to HumanHuman three months ago, with the teasing comment “we got a hint here… music coming soon”, it’s safe to say we were nothing short of intrigued. The anticipation paid off when the anonymous artist released debut track “Butter” - an upbeat euro-pop single built on imaginative instrumentation and seriously catchy lyrics. Within a few days of WEIRDO’s musical premiere, this faceless act was labelled as a Promising Artist by our community of tastemakers.

Over the past few months, a few choice pieces of information have come to light. WEIRDO is the solo project of a British artist who has relocated to the creative hub of Berlin from Brighton, and excitingly there’s an EP on the way. However, the rest of the mystery remains in tact… at least for now. With a new track on our hands, the delightfully honest and danceable “Armanio”, we want to find out more about the musician behind the moniker, what inspires his songs, and how we can all embrace life’s weirdness.

Let’s start with a rather obvious question, why the name WEIRDO?

Haha, this old chestnut. Well, I think I’ve began to embrace my craziness and stop trying to label my issues negatively. Weird people rock. I’d hate to be a conveyor belt child doing manufactured things… and trust me, there are plenty of them! I think after a while of fighting that I should be "normal and controlled", it’s now time for me to accept and understand myself a little more, both personally and musically. I am a flipping WEIRDO, there’s no doubt about it and the best thing is that accepting it excels my creativity.

“I am a flipping WEIRDO, there’s no doubt about it and the best thing is that accepting it excels my creativity.”

Your identity is currently hidden, much to the outcry of the blogosphere, but why do you think artists follow the anonymous route?

I think it depends maybe… the reason I am anonymous is because I’m a part of a reasonably popular “buzz band” and I don’t want people to draw lines between the two. There is nothing worst than that! The issue in this music industry is people don’t give second chances and people always relate someone to something. If Corey Taylor from Slipknot did a minimal tech album now, people would laugh, make fun, put down or insult his creativity - why? because he wore a mask for a few years in his most-popular venture. Then you get people like James Bay whose first shot at a career very luckily paid off and people will never judge him as it’s his debut project, and he most likely will never change his brand. It’s so superficial this industry, and so anonymity is simply so that people understand the musical vision I have, before they go ahead, judge and give me a 0.4 /10 on Pitchfork or something...

I guess the online world plays a huge part in the mystery, how else do you think digitalisation is affecting the music industry?

The online world plays a huge part for sure. I can use emoticons to talk to someone and imitate happiness, sadness, anger or confusion… and that’s just a small fucking yellow image I add within my text conversations I’m having on a daily basis with anyone, everyone. The psychology of modern vocabulary and the use of emoticons is proof that you can hide or butter up (see what I did there!) anything. So online, you can create a fantasy world that people might indulge in, or show interest in. That really scares and inspires me simultaneously, and I think the digitalisation is actually improving yet sometimes creating a false identity for the music industry and it’s ever-growing young creatives. I just hope in the future, behaviour specialists or psychologists don’t actually take over the industry because they are smart and know how to win over modern society by creating false illusions using manipulative strategies. That’s basically the way news and media in the 21st century is heading already!

“It’s an intelligent pop affair, made of multicolor shades ranging from sticky vocals to euphoric synths, passing through live drums and finely adorned by swirling kalimba scales.”— Going Solo on “Butter”

Moving on to your music and especially debut track “Butter”. It’s a super catchy single, throwing out a xylophone melody, a German vocal sample and (what I’m guessing is) a recorder riff. Was this level of playfulness your initial intention?

Haha a recorder riff?! Where’s that? I will actually make sure there’s a recorder in one of the next songs on the second EP - that’s a promise from me to you. I think there’s irony and sarcasm in some of my lyrics and productions. With Butter, which I initially wrote in 2010 after a horrific break-up, the original demo was quite dark and edgy. I think as I’ve moved on and my life has changed, it’s become more of an uplifting song; a tale of how I once loved but now don’t with said person. I think that’s where the playful elements come from - the joy of being free and confident in myself again.

“I think that’s where the playful elements come from - the joy of being free and confident in myself again.”

“Butter” also has a rather unique refrain - “like butter melting through my fingers all you do is dirty my clothes” - what inspired that lyric?

At the time, it was anger and disappointment. It’s a rather cool attempt at making a statement, and I like creating unusual metaphors within my work. I think everyone can relate to an ex, or a friend, or a family member who just seems to get in the way, stop you from growing, control you or upset you. I like to try and relate to people with lyrics.

I loved the original video based around a Snapchat story and text messages. Was that simply a fun concept or is there an additional commentary on mobile phone culture and modern relationships?

There is definitely a suggestion to the social media culture and modern relationships and the irony of them. I’m a hopeless old-fashion romantic; I want to go for dinner and talk about music and wine, dream of waking up in the Bahamas and imagine a day I would begin to go to dance classes or something very new to me. I want to see the world through my eyes, not society’s eyes, and definitely not through the lens of my mobile phone camera. I can’t really stand social media because it’s taken away my privacy in all honesty, and that’s something we lack in today’s world, but also it’s helped share and expand my music and audience, so who am I to complain? I do daydream of going off grid and never talking to anyone again unless in person - that’s a healthy and satisfying thought for me.

In a previous interview with BEAT Magazine, you mentioned that you once lived in Brighton, a place well-known for self-expression. Did your time there have an influence on your music?

My time there definitely taught me that not everything you think is perfect, is perfect. It’s a wonderful city but musically, holds restraints. Rock cultured (thanks to the mods and rockers thing in the 60/70s), a student town and very small. Being there at that time helped my musical journey for sure - it started it. I’m happy I had the chance to work with and meet who I met there, but I’m glad that I moved on. It’s the same as London for me, a lovely place but it had it’s place in my life and after growing out of it quickly, I had to move on.

If you could live and create music anywhere in the world, where would that be?

Man! I want to see the whole world. If I could do one album per continent, that would be amazing. I think I’d definitely find opposing ideas from living in different places with adverse social rules to what I know as a Westernised working class fella. Let’s go to Tokyo next and after that, lock myself on a small island in Indonesia. I’ll try the US at some point but worried I’ll get fat very easily (I love food!) Visiting Africa would be really rewarding for me too, I’m sure!

What else has been instrumental in your creative process?

The standard thing: seeing other people succeed when you feel you deserve it more, watching people fail you and hurt you, other people’s situations you can relate to because of prior experiences and emotions. Also, the coming of age thing. I’m now mid-twenties and the feeling of realising who you are in such a large, selfish world can help you repair yourself, focus in on yourself and the ones around you that you care about most, and really getting creative with those discoveries.

We were very recently treated to a second single “Armanio”, crammed with one-liners and a repeated suggestion that the addressee should ditch her boyfriend. Why do not-so-great relationships stand at the centre of your songs?

I’ve had plenty of them. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (adds to the weirdness!) and I have a self-destructive tendency and waves of recklessness from time to time. I’ve got a heart but I can be trouble too, although I’ve learnt to grow and be in control of the bad traits now! I’ve been in a pretty content place for a few years, I’m starting to analyse others more and writing about their coming of age, mistakes and things I can see I used to do myself. It’s a beautiful thing to see people that are going through the same things as you. It’s helps deflate your ego and come back down to earth.

As with the last release, “Armanio” is tagged as pop, although some would suggest there’s plenty of other elements in there. What are your thoughts on genre labels?

Pop stands for “popular music” and if you asked me what genre I believe my music is, I’d title it Pop, more so because I dream of it being popular - who doesn’t?! I want everyone to know my story. I’m a human after all! We all want to be successful on our pursuit for happiness. I think you could tag the music as homemade, as it pretty much is. Indie, for sure, I’m independent right now but again, that title I don’t really enjoy too much. If I get a life changing opportunity and the label in question isn’t an “indie” label, then I’ll be told that I’m a fraud or fake for not sticking with my preconceived idea of being an “indie” band. If I turn down something, I could miss my chance to actually travel the world! I’m just gonna go with my heart: can’t have the media singing my own song “Armanio” at me!

“Up-beat, joyful pop that aims for the fun instead of the glitter and glamour of glossy pop.”— Disco Naivete on “Armanio”

Does the multi-coloured artwork have any relation to your sound?

Not at all, but once I entered the music industry and realised how it actually works beyond your fabricated fantasies of champagne, cocaine and happiness, I began to wear dark colours. The colourful thing shows I’ve got a playful side and now that I’m older, I want to show it off, feel happy and seem happy, and do things differently around here. It’s easy to be sad, feel sorry for yourself and write a ballad - that’s secondhand nature to me - but writing upbeat songs is much more challenging to me. I bloody enjoy it right now!

Can we expect some more visuals in the future?

For sure. I’m collaborating with some directors in the US, and some other guys too and videos are on their way for future tracks.

How about new music? Can you give us a clue as to what the next WEIRDO song will sound like?

Once again, the sound will alter, change, grow and surprise. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be weird enough to comprehend my creative process. Every song will tie together because it’s my vocals, or I’ll use the same “sound palette” as before, but it will grow. It’s all based around how I envision it live, which will be the strong point of this whole thing. The band, the live experience, the fun I can take in the tour bus with me. That’s all I’m looking forward to right now - my future holiday on the road, sleepless nights and so many different lights.

https://humanhuman.com/articles/interview-weirdo

[frembrulee]

In Kansas I was thin and still had long hair. My first few nights, I walked an hour and a half to nearest Walmart on a road without sidewalks, and it was still bright when I got there, this tiny strip mall, and bought all I needed, I had to go up to this guy looking at the plants outside of the Walmart greenhouse. I chose him because he was young with glasses, geeky looking, and didn’t seem like he was there to do much besides look at plants and he had something on his shirt I recognized… maybe something to do with Germany, maybe it said BERLIN, GERMANY on his shirt, which I was comforted by for some reason. In any case, I went up to him with this giant duvet cover set covered in plastic and a weight scale still in its box and said:

             Hey, I know this is kind of weird, but I walked here without a car and it’s             scorching… and I don’t know how I’m going to walk back with this…

I held up the stuff I was carrying.

            … Stuff. And I was wondering if you came here in a car and would mind             driving me back in the direction of the community college. I’m staying in             one of the dorms.

He looked pretty confused but said he was heading in that direction anyway to visit his girlfriend (he said the girlfriend part kind of accusingly) and that I could definitely catch a ride and that it was getting dark outside. So I ended up having these things in my dorm room for the rest of my month in Hutchinson, Kansas, and I left it all there. All of it.

In Hutchinson, there was not much to do on weekends. The first few weekends I hung by myself until I became friends with a girl named Elissia, who was taking classes at the community college to build up her credits before going off to state university, and a black guy named Daniel who offered me rides to places. Daniel was a year younger than me and wanted to sleep with me, and he also got the best grade in the class we were all in (public speaking) because he’d just wing his speeches and sound very comfortable. One of our speeches was supposed to be about a cause we wanted to support and Daniel did a demonstration where he pretended to be a school shooter. Barreling through the front door of the classroom, he said EVERYONE GET DOWN OR I’LL SHOOT, and then he ran over to our end of the room and yelled WE’D BE SAFE IF I HAD A GUN TO PROTECT US RIGHT NOW and the conclusion of the speech was that we should all carry guns in schools, and the teacher actually clapped.

She was a nice woman who had obviously lived in mid-America all her life and she would ban these football players from attending class because they were rude, and she would talk about her husband dying at home with hospice workers sitting around his bed and I couldn’t help imagining him dying in a Christmas sweater or something. Like he died at some family gathering and he watched his grandkids opening their Christmas gifts that morning and was happy. The teacher was a big advocator for dying at home.

At nights, after I befriended Elissia, sometimes we’d go for a drive. We all went to the Kansas State Fair in Wichita, once, and that was the last time Daniel was interested in me because he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. He ended up pursuing Elissia’s friend, Baylee, who did sleep with him, and I know this because I still have her on Snapchat. Still, I loved these two people: Elissia and Daniel. I met Elissia’s sister and cousin, and her cousin showed me a horse that was born only a few hours before I saw it and I was actually mesmerized, and they went with me to the salt mine and we took a guided tour. And then we went to the Hutchinson Cosmosphere Space Museum and I took so many videos of nothing: just glass signs talking about satellites and footage of Elissia looking bored. We bought space ice cream from the gift shop, the gross, dried-up kind and she was raving about it and said she bought it all the time. Before I left, a superman convention was happening because, apparently, Hutchinson was the birth place of Clark Kent. We ate food at this tiny kiosk Elissia’s family owned in the middle of nowhere and it was one of those places you take your twelve your old daughter to after soccer practice, and we’d eat for free. And Daniel drove me to Amish country where I tried on jeans that were too big for me in this small shop but bought them anyway for quarters and I also bought a Chumbawumba CD even though I didn’t know the band and some drinking game involving a dreidel and cards about different countries that I sent to another Daniel, a friend in Australia, and the woman who was working the store counter told me my jeans looked good and we left Amish Country and only went back to eat at this restaurant called something-Crossing where they sold giant cinnamon buns and were known for that.

One time we went to Casey Park, a park I’d read about in the centre of the town, but had to leave when it got dark because it was overrun by people drinking in the back of their trucks and Elissia told me they were bad news.

As time neared me “leaving”, I wasn’t sure how long to stay. A week, to see the July 4th celebration? I’d stopped eating and all I did was watch Mad Men on Netflix and read my copy of American Psycho in the morning and my class was over. There was a boy who had a thick country accent who was teaching me chess but he dropped out of the class and I never saw him again. In this class, Elissia and I made fun of this girl with heavy eye makeup who hated me and asked… oh yeah, there was a boy named Ethan who insisted on giving me a massage one night (he lived in the dorm) and then we never kissed, and this girl who hated me asked him if I had hair on my pussy, and the answer is: sometimes yes. I think Hutchinson Daniel sells weed now, or did for a while. God, he’d be out of business up here in Canada, where weed is gonna be legal and totally regulated and heaven forbid… taxed.

Once I was locked out of my residence building with another guy who I believe was also on the football team and he invited me to his party and I didn’t go. I also smoked weed in a van with Ethan and his football friends and it was fine. I mean, the social interaction… I mean… I was laughing most of the time and pretending I smoked a lot. I don’t get so high by smoking. I cough a lot and don’t suck in right and it feels wrong so I just ingest THC now.

By the time my month there was ending, I’d finally worked up the courage to borrow this white bike from Elissia’s Mom’s garage and I rode it in the evenings through the hot air, all down the residential streets near the college and over to this convenience store beside a gas station where I’d buy drinks and food, and the roads were covered in soft light from the streetlamps — nothing too harsh because the roads were wide enough to accommodate anything and a boy looked at me as he got out of his car and I thought I was imagining him looking at me. A lot of times, in Kansas, I thought people were looking at me and might say something, but almost all of them didn’t say anything, and I’d become used to this. This time, though, it was for me.

            Does it bug you to ride that in a dress? He was giving me a quizzical look, calling out from his parked car.

I looked down at my dress, which was a little billowy against the bike frame, but nothing too risqué. It was short.

            Not really. Does it bug you?

I was joking but wanted to see what he was going to say. I was also flirting, because sometimes I can’t help it. Sometimes I flirt when I want people to continue talking to me. It had been a long time since someone had talked to me, there.

He replied but I forget what he said.

[evadventure]

So this is Cusco

Since I forgot to mention one final jungle encounter, here’s a throwback to the jungle: A sloth hanging in the trees, again amazingly spotted by Chris. (Maybe there is some freaky technology on the background, animals have chips and he just follows gps? If that wouldn’t be such a preposterous thought, I would believe it!) Did you know, that sloths get down from the tree once a week to poop and eat? What a life! 

But now, we’re on the way to Cusco. In the physical sense, getting from one place to another, by all and any means, is a miracle. (If you see a person resembling a dog, hanging from an Indian train with her face in the wind, that’s most likely me. Or a person attached to a plane window despite severe sleep deficiency, because there is landscape below.) I like how the change of scenery makes me feel and how it makes me think. Even taking the very regular bus from Berlin to Prague, means seeing the landscape change, seeing the weather change, taking in the transition. In Peru, every trip we took was like taking thousands of Berlin-Pragues. 

Flying from Iquitos to Lima, landscape changes from vast green to a mountain range, sun disappears (Lima is endlessly covered in clouds). Flying from Lima to Cusco is ... a lot of mountains. Like, horizon to horizon of mountains. Like, someone wanted to build land and had nothing but mountains in their sleeves. Lifeless at first sight but after a while you start noticing roads carved into the mountain sides, little and bigger villages, even cities, highways, fields. Life is everywhere. 

When it comes to travelling, I’m an achiever. I love simple geographical achievements like southmost, highest, or even new. And Cusco is, before we travel to Puno, all of these. So now, I’m excited to be landing at 3400 meters above the sea level, in the sunset light. 

“Cusco is hot in the sun and cold in the shadows”, my Peruvian contacts tell us, but they don’t mention that the nights are ... freaking cold!

Oh right, so: The hostel. We stayed at the Point, very central and very chaotic. Mentioning because as mostly backpacking, I do appreciate following things in a hostel: hot shower, not too crazy roommates, people to talk to+hang out with+make plans with. 

So as our first night is freezing, it also includes broken door to the room, broken door to the bathroom, cold shower, and a roommate that comes in the room around 4 am, smelling like she smoked a ton of terrible Peruvian cigarettes, which adds to the fact that I’m already suffocating from the altitude a great deal of discomfort. But, as it turns out the next day, this French girl, Apo, is actually cool and fun and in the bright sunlight we chat about tattoos and what to do in Peru and I forgive this place a lot despite initial bitching. I can survive anything but I want to stay in hostels where there are people to talk to. Like, really. I consider hiding in a hotel room weird when travelling since travelling is mostly about who you meet. 

We spend the first day walking around and exploring. The altitude makes us catch our breaths even when talking up the stairs in the hostel, so we take it easy and mostly just explore the centre in search for craft beer, alpaca sweaters, beautiful neighbourhoods and food. 

Turns out it’s holiday! (Turns out I don’t remember which one!) It also turns out Peruvians love parades. So we see a military parade and there’s music all the time and there are children performing little choreographies. (There’s also the most adorable bunch of kindergarten kids in alpaca ponchos. Coming from Berlin, where the dress code is “black”, I love the colours everywhere.)

I’ll stick to the first impressions now, and I’ll get into history and facts in the next post. I used to fall in love so easily with cities. That feeling that I could live here and I could be happy here, exploring everything. It happened in Istanbul and Cairo, in New York, in Brno and Edinburg and Sibenik and San Francisco and Toronto and Zurüch (turns out, I’m city-promiscuous, hehe). But being older and having the experience of actually moving makes me pickier. More things considered. I think about language barriers and my favourite restaurants and dishes, I look at how friendly people are and how many cats populate the streets (oh, Istanbul). With all of this in mind, Cusco isn’t the most rational choice since my white skin makes me a target of though polite and inaggresive offers from tourist agencies, they’re everywhere and snowball especially around the centre to a frequency of at least 2 per minute. And with all that in mind, I fell in love with this city: With it clean air, wonderful sky, cold nights, tasteful main square (even McD sign has to be black and invisible), bit of a party culture, mountains around. If I ever want to write a book, starting here doesn’t sound too bad. 

Next on evadventure: How I didn’t get a tattoo in Peru. Stay tuned :) 

Main square. Every, literally every Peruvian city has at least one Plaza de Armas. “Weapon square”, if I’m not mistaken. I’ll figure out why until next time! Only in Cusco, it’s “Plaza Mayor de Cusco”. Not confusing at all. 

Lovely streets around the main square.  

When out of llamas, sheep will also work. Yay to holding fluffy animals!

[irldumbass-blog]

</3

I’m going to talk about my heartbreak in as full detail as I can. 

I have been in 3 relationships, they have all come to an end which is never easy. That person becomes a part of your routine and its so sad to think about them not in your life anymore, whether you are breaking up with them or they are breaking up with you. I’ve had those feelings every time I’ve had a relationship come to an end. Although those feelings are very strong I haven’t had my heart broken until this year around mid February. 

My ex boyfriend Alan and I broke up within the first few days of October. He broke up with me, I didn’t take it very hard because I was going to end it anyways but I’m horrible at breaking up with people so I didn’t know when was the right time. Anyways we broke up and I was totally fine. The next day at work my coworker is talking to me about the break up and these two Australian boys come in, one was this tall dark haired boy with the same colouring as me, the other one was a little shorter and not as cute but he had long hair. Me being the way I am I only pay attention to the shorter guy because he has long hair and my eyes completely gravitate towards it (it makes me sooooo weak). I’m just working and walking around the store and long haired guy and I’s eyes are following each other. I have tons of cute guys who come into my work weekly, I don’t know what it was about him but I actually could not stop looking at him. They eventually left, but I was just thinking, damn, I hope he comes in again.

About a week later I match with this guy named Cieren on Tinder who messages me about red bull and how it isn’t good for me. I was giving him a bit of attitude because red bull is my life and he looked cute in some photos, really bad in others. At some point in the conversation I told him I work at a costume store and he told me he was in a week ago and completely recognizes me. I put two and two together and realized that it was the guy I kept staring at, I actually could not believe it. We texted for about a month and then decided to meet up one night when he was done work and I was coming home from a party. We met up around 1:30-2am (lol) and sat at Trinity Bellwoods for a couple hours just talking about everything. The more I looked at him the more I realized how cute he actually is. He has kind of a weird face but I liked it in a way? It just worked. I don’t know. He has light brown hair that goes past the shoulders, green eyes, small nose, small face if I’m being honest, about 6ft tall and pretty lanky. His teeth weren’t perfect and his smile was semi crooked but I kind of liked it. We walked to McDonalds so we can be somewhere inside and this homeless man used his money to buy us coffee and muffins because we “looked like a beautiful young couple”. McDonalds closed so we moved to Tim Hortons across the street and talked until 7am. He was going to Berlin that weekend but he asked if I wanted to hang out when he got back. I was really enjoying my time with him so I said yeah. We cabbed back to our own houses  together and my stop was first. We both got out of the cab and we hugged and said our goodbyes but then I kissed him. And then kissed him again. I literally never kiss a guy first on the first date because it makes me anxious as hell but I don’t know what it was, I went home with the biggest smile on my face. 

The first thing I did when i got home was look him up on Facebook so I can show my friends. I look up his full name, hes the first person who pops up and it says “in a relationship with Issy H”. I was like ...oookaayy....maybe this is old and hasn’t changed it......or hes being really sketchy what the hell is happening... He was off to Berlin anyways so I decided I’d wait until he brought it up, or I would just bring it up in person to him. 

He came back from Berlin and I met up with him around Trinity Bellwoods, he bought me German cigarettes which was very thoughtful of him. First thing I asked him was who he went to Berlin with. He stopped walking and was like “I have to tell you something, I’m in an open relationship. I understand if you don’t want to hang out and I’m really sorry for not telling you earlier but I had such a good time hanging out with you and I didn’t want to ruin it.” I didn’t really know how to react, but I thought, well okay thats fine, we’ll just have a NSA thing going on. We went out for drinks before he had to leave for work, and he told me he wanted to take me out on a date. I was so confused because he just told me he was in a relationship and now he wants to take me on a date? I thought we were just going to go for drinks from here on out and then go back to my place and hook up. I’ve never hung out with a guy in an open relationship so I didn’t really know how to act so I agreed to go on dates with him. One day my work had a Christmas party and he asked me if I would go to his works Christmas party with him, I was so confused (again) because like, why aren’t you bringing your girlfriend Issy? I said no but he asked if he could see me that night so he came over and we just talked and kissed till about 5am. I told him about my darkest shit, things I do not tell strangers, like when I was in a very sexually abusive relationship when I was 14/15. I don’t know why I would tell him that but I felt very comfortable and close with him even though I only knew him for a month. He told me that his girlfriend was very jealous of me hanging out with him as much as I do. I felt really bad but I also really wanted to continue hanging out with him and he wanted to continue hanging out with me, after all he was the one in the relationship and could have took it on himself to stop seeing me. There was one instance where he met me at work and I had to meet up with Summer to go to a show with her, so we walked around the Eaton Centre and he told me he lied to Issy and said he was at work instead of hanging out with me. Thats when I started to feel really weird about the situation I was in, because I liked this guy but he has a girlfriend and I was kept a secret. I don’t know it was weird. 

We went to my friend Trevor’s birthday drag show two days before Christmas with my friends Connor and Alex. They really liked him and I was so happy but also so conflicted because of the situation with the girlfriend. I was house sitting my friend Jens apartment, so him and I went back there and we talked all night. He told me hes never felt so connected with someone this strongly in his entire life and I felt the same way even though it was such a short period of time knowing him. I felt so guilty and sick because hes telling me this while his girlfriend is only a couple km away. We cuddled on the couch and made out but he was too anxious to have sex which was totally okay and understandable. We stayed up until 8am and I walked to work. I was completely drained from lack of sleep and the intensity of the conversation. I thought about it all day, so later that day I texted him and told him I will continue hanging out with him but I can’t go any further but friends with him until he figures out his situation with Issy. He told me he understood and he apologized. I hung out with him 2 days later.

Issy started to get jealous to the point where she would attack me. Looking back, I don’t even know why he would tell me any of this because it would obviously just make me uncomfortable and hurt my feelings. She would say things like, “Why do you hang out with her? She looks so fake like she wears all this makeup and wears fake nails” etc. It hurt because I don’t see a problem with the way I look and I never attacked this girls looks to Cieren. I would consider myself a genuinely kind person and for this girl to attack me really bothered me. I met Cieren’s friend Dermott and that did not help the case because apparently when he saw Issy he was talking to her about how good looking and nice I am. Looking back at it I understand why she hated me; I was spending time with her boyfriend. At the same time though, they are in an open relationship. It should not matter. It got to the point where she would read our text conversations, creep me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc. It was a lot for me to handle and I didn’t ask to be put in this messy situation. I should have gotten out of it sooner than later but I really liked him. I started to hate her and would want to hang out with him more out of spite which is pretty evil of me looking back. I liked him so much and I didn’t want to not see him. One night we were at Panamar and he told me he has a really big crush on me. Honestly everything felt perfect with him but in reality nothing was perfect. He told me Issy and him weren’t together anymore and they were breaking up for good once they were back in Australia. He said they weren’t together but he kept switching answers and she would post photos of him/them hanging out still. It was all super confusing to me because i never got a straight answer from him. 

One day we went out for dinner and drinks, I ended up back at his place because Issy was in NYC for a couple days. He gave me head in the bed they sleep in together every night and I didn’t even do anything to him. I felt super uncomfortable to be in his house because he lived with quite a lot of roommates and they obviously know I am the -other- girl. We went out for brunch the next day and Issy called him, told him she knew what happened. He felt so sick he couldn’t even eat. I felt really guilty but at the same time, he told me they weren’t together anymore and even if they were, they are in an open relationship. We hung out all day and he asked me if I was seeing anyone else other than him, and I was. I was also casually seeing a boy named Colt and Cieren got so upset and jealous. I told him I liked him more than Colt, which was true. I shouldn’t have told him that though because he didn’t even deserve to be hearing that. I wish I liked Colt more than I liked Cieren because he probably wouldn’t have put me through all this emotional labour to hang out with him. 

One night Cieren and I went out for dinner and he asked me what would happen with us if he came back to Toronto. Because he had a crush on me, I was comfortable to tell him that I would date him. He didn’t really say anything back so I went to the washroom and had a giant anxiety attack because I didn’t really know what else to do... Like why would you ask me that? He knew the answer he just wanted me to say it out loud. I couldn’t really talk afterwards, it wasn’t even because I was mad at him or trying to give him the silent treatment, I just really didn’t know what to say. I smoked like 3 cigarettes because I was so overwhelmed by my own feelings. We took the streetcar back to the west end and he started crying when we got off. I walked up to college and we sat in an A&W and kind of just broke down. He was crying saying he likes me so much and doesn’t know what to do because hes going back to Australia in less than a month. I didn’t really know what to say and thats when it kind of clicked in with me that he was leaving. We talked it out and we both agreed we have really strong feelings for each other and I went home. He came to my work on my break the next day to buy me a coffee and apologize to me about last night. We just continued on. 

The week he was leaving I drew him this beautiful card and wrote the most heartfelt shit. The last guy I made art for was Alan back around Christmas time last year. I saw him the night before he left, he met me at work and we went to Java House and got really drunk on cheap beer. We made out in the bathroom downstairs and were super PDA in the booth we were sitting at. We Ubered back to mine and he just sat on my couch and started bawling. I brought him into my room and I gave him the card. He read it and just hugged me and went on top of me completely sobbing. We just cried and told each other how much we like each other. Its like a break up that we didn’t want to happen but it was pretty much forced. We took pictures together and we were all red in the face from sobbing, he needed to go because his roommates were having a goodbye drink night for them so I walked him to the lobby and we just bawled and held each other. We kissed like 20 times and then he left. I bawled my eyes out for the next half hour, he texted me saying “I have so much love for you”. The next morning he texted me before he left, saying they drove past my apartment building when they were in the taxi and he was so upset. He messaged me at the airport and in between flights every chance he got. Him and Issy were at the airport together but apparently they barely talked. 

When he got back to Australia, we would call each other for 3 and a half hours just talking about anything and catching up. He’d tell me he misses me and has even stronger feelings now that he has left and was planning on coming back so we could see each other again. Because he was gone, I was back on Tinder. You obviously get some pretty bad messages from men on that site, there was a couple times that I’d tweet that men are shitty. Cieren took it so personally and told me that women can be even shittier, defending men and doing that annoying “not all men” shit. He all of a sudden verbally attacked me and called me ignorant, immature, rude, told me my opinions are stupid, etc. Even though he was being so hurtful to me I still wanted to talk it out with him because I liked him so much. He stopped messaging me, completely ignoring all of my messages. I was so hurt. I check Instagram and he is fully hanging out with Issy, even though he told me they weren’t together and were for sure ending things when they went back to Australia. Directed at him this time, I tweeted that men suck and my friend alex replied “-australian accent- not ALL men-” and I laughed because Cieren and I weren’t talking anymore and he kind of screwed me over. Cieren messaged me all of a sudden freaking out at me telling me i’m cyberbullying (lol) him. Sure I may have not laughed at what Alex said, but at the time it was completely justifiable. After all, he stopped talking to me and said really rude things to me questioning my intelligence. For some FUCKED up reason I sent him a huge apology even though I really shouldn’t have. He didn’t even respond to it. 

I was so fucked up over him for months. I would cry and question what I did wrong, but I realize now I really couldn’t have done anything. I should have just ended it when he told me he was in an open relationship. Instead, I went through the most emotionally draining experience of my life all for a guy who was rude to me and could never take accountability for his actions. He messaged me recently telling me that he hopes I’m doing well, he still thinks about me every day and he misses our time together. Then he continues to tell me that I am insane. He is insanely passive aggressive and doesn’t even realize it. He never apologizes for anything, even after everything he put me through those couple months he lived in Toronto. I got absolutely no apology about anything because he doesn’t even realize how much he broke my heart. This was the first time I’ve been so crazy about someone and it ended so horribly. He turned out to be a completely different person than I thought he was. I’m sure he is still with Issy, I used to hate her but I just feel bad for her at this point. She obviously really loves this guy and hes messaging this girl from Toronto telling her he thinks about me every day. He treated me so unfairly and so horribly and I don’t think I can ever forgive him. He completely ruined my trust, I used to have no problems with it but I have insanely strong trust issues now. It really sucks and he really hurt me but this situation has helped me grow into being a stronger person and to not settle. I deserve the world and he did not deserve someone like me. I’m doing better than I was a couple months ago, I have deleted him off of social media so this chapter of my life has officially closed, which is why I’m writing this. 

Goodbye heartbreak, goodbye manipulative men, goodbye gaslighting men. 

[fadingpersoncollectorstuff-blog]

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"maryland insurance code section 19-511

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What would be the cheapest insurance for a 1992 camaro?

Can my health insurance cover it?

My dad went to the dr for a check up and found out that he has slight high blood pressure, so he wants to buy a blood pressure machine so he can monitor it while he tries to bring it down so we have health insurance and was wondering if health insurance would pay for the machine if we bought one""

How can I afford a car and insurance?

I am going into my second year of college and would like a car. I don't have a job. I have applied many places, but no luck. I don't have time during the year to work since I am a full time student, so I thought this summer I could save money if I had a job. My parents can not afford to buy me a car and provide insurance. I just want that independence.""

Good car and renters insurance companies?

I'm in the process of getting a car and plan on moving to the Berlin area of New Hampshire this summer so i'm looking for a car insurance company that also offers renters insurance so that, when i move, i can bundle the two and try and get a bit of a discount. I'm just wondering if anyone knows any good companies (hoping to stay reasonably priced but it's my first car and i'm a newer driver) with offices in the Berlin area and offices in the Cape Ann area of Mass (where I am currently) that offer a car and renters bundle and have treated treated you well. I'd prefer fist hand opinions and experiences with companies.""

How much would the insurance cost with a 17 year old male driving a 1987 ford bronco 4X4 v8?

just wondering because i might buy one as a driving project truck

Does anyone know where i could get a car for my driving test? I need insurance as well. I am 16 years old?

I am going to go get my licence. I am 16 years old in California. The problem is, i don't have a car. Please don't ask me what i'm going to do with my licence if i dont have a car (it's a long story). I need a car i can take with me to do my road test. The DMV also needs proof of insurance. Please tell me where i could get a car and get the proof of insurance. Thanks!!!!!!!!""

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

uk

How much will a suzuki vitara jlx 1999 cost for a 17 year old to insure in the UK?

Hi there i am 16, almost 17 and i own a suzuki vitara, it has previously been used as a field car but sailed through its MOT... i am looking to use this as my first road car. I can't seem to find anything at all on the internet without having to make an account.. someone please help, I simply need to know how much it will cost me to insure in the UK as my first car at 17 years old. it has no modifications, a 1.6 petrol engine, convertible and a jlx model.. someone please help if you can?""

Will criminal record ( petty theft) effect my car insurance?

Will criminal record ( petty theft) effect my car insurance? My husband who does my car insurance doesn't know about my pending criminal charges. Will he find out when he will renew my insurance? Or any another consequences? ( I'm stay-at-home mom so I won't be applying for work)

Has Tort reform had a beneficial impact on Health Insurance rates in California.?

California has had Tort reform in medical malpractice for 30 years. Has this kept Health Insurance affordable in California? Ask the parents ofNataline Sarkisyan how they feel about tort reform. Rather than pay for an expensive transplant and a lifetime of expensive care, her insurer simply denied the claim knowing they most her parents could get in punitive damages was $250,000. Seems to me that tort reform is another name for death panels!!!""

Why is my car insurance so much cheaper than other companies?

i was looking around for auto insurance to see if there was anything cheaper than what im paying now. im a 20 year old male with a 2005 scion tc. i have been driving for about 2 years and currently use state farm. when i first insured my car 2 years ago, i was paying $148/mo. due to a speeding ticket, it has risen to $194/mo. i also have comprehensive and collision with a $500 deductible. $100,000/$300,000 coverage with full glass also. not complaining, i think this is great i looked at nationwide, allstate, geico, and progressive. these companies are supposed to be so great, but progressive quoted me at $485/mo for the same coverage! the other companies where all in that general area. progressives state minimum coverage plan for me was almost $300/mo. why do these other companies cost so much more? im not complaining about mine, obviously im not gonna switch, but i am curious as to the difference in price.""

Looking for good car for insurance?

Im looking to get a new car but i was wondering if there was a website that listed how much insurance might run me. dont really need exact priceing just looking for ballpark figuer.

Which insurance company is best for two wheeler insurance?

Which insurance company is best for two wheeler insurance?

maryland insurance code section 19-511

maryland insurance code section 19-511

""Car with fault, expensive to repair. can it be and insurance write off job ?""

If i had a car with a fault that was too expensive to repair, is there any way i can claim insurance writs off with insurers.""

Can My brother and I go under the same car insurance?

Can I get my name in his car too? In other words, could we both have our name under the insurance? Would this raise insurance? What would happen if one of us wrecks it?""

Driving school and car insurance?

does going to driver's ed help you get better or cheaper car insurance?

Where is the cheapest place to get taxi insurance in Northern Ireland.?

I have 7 years no claims on a taxi insurance and looking to see where i can get the best deal . Cheers

How much more would insurance be for 16 year old with a V8 mustang as opposed to a 6 cylinder one?

I would be on my parents plan at state farm, I just want to ask before i call. I get to chose my car so i am just researching. They would be about the year 2000 with no problems. Also my parents have perfect driving records.""

My insurance quotes make no sense...?

I've been checking out some insurance quotes, I did a few thru progressive and got some weird results. First time, on a 2002 BMW M3 I got quoted $140/mo for full coverage (I'm 18, completely clean record), went back through to see if I could get the same result: got $199/mo, same information and everything. Why the change? And THEN (this is where it gets weird...) I checked my 97 Corolla (my DD/beater) and I did only that car on the quote, they wanted $240/mo. I'm really confused right now. Any advice?""

Cheapest cars to insure for a 17 year old?

I was wondering what cars would be the cheapest to insure for a new driver, aged 17. I heard there is all these different groups which relate to the amount of insurance you would have to pay. Also, I would prefer a decent car, so if you know any decent, cheap to insure cars! pleaseeee let me know! thanks! :D""

Can I move my car insurance now?

I am currently insuring my car with direct line and they are charging me 47 per month however I have just noticed that when i do an online quote with them- exactly the same cover as what I have its priced at 23 per month. Can I move my car insurance to a different company now or do I have to wait for the renewal date? If not why are they charging me so much more than their online quote? Also the cheeky gits charged me 60 to renew my address with them when i moved house....surely that can't be right??

Can anyone help me regarding a huge fine for driving without insurance.?

Man, Im screwed. A few years ago I let my insurance lapse on my vehichle and didnt hand the license plates in. Failure to do so means an instant 150 dollar fine for the first month and 7$ a day afterwards. Ok, I was being a complete jackass at that time in my life and figured I would deal with it when the time comes. Well, its that time. I finally got my license back and went to buy a cheap used car. The dealer told me he cant get me plates for it cause I have a violation due to a fine for driving uninsured. The fine is off the charts, $4,455.00. Has anyone ever gotten the MVA to reduce this fee or waive it. I havent tried yet. They offer payment plans at 20% down and the rest must be paid within 2 years. I dont want to do anything illegal per say but just wanted to know if anyone has any ideas. I know, im a jackalope for letting this happen. anyone, let me know""

Where can I get cheap health insurance.?

Where can I get cheap health insurance.?

""Car insurance, i only drive for 3 months or so? any options?""

I currently have a BMW m3, i will be moving to new york city where it makes no sense to have the car, but i love the car and intend on keeping it locked in my parents garage and covered for the majority of the winter. during the summer months it will be down at there vacation house but again, it will only be driven by me maybe twice a month and for two weeks one month. the only other time i could see me using it would be every once in a while when i visit home to go to the store and back, literally like 5 other days out of the year. is there any insurance for this? i have a loan on the car, but it's used and old and in pristine condition so i'd rather keep it, i have considered selling it. soo what options would i have? i also go to school in another state from wher the car is stored.""

Should I pay or have insurance pay?

I read ended this girls car, and she got an estimate and it's roughly 868 dollars. If I payed for this, is it something that works out for me in the long run, or will it be better for insurance to pay for it. I'm 19, so I know insurance rates are already high, should I just pay for it? Thank you!""

Health insurance in florida?

if you dont have a job yet and have children how do u get health insurance in florida and if you had a c section and a premature baby why would an insurance company deny you insurance also if your child is underweight because of being premature why would their insurance be ridiculously high each month?

Are insurance rates higher if you failed the road test?

On the first time or more than once or can they even see that

Will making on time car insurance payments electronically help my credit?

I recently got my car insurance in my own name. Once I start making on time payments will the credit bureaus see that as an account in good standing with on time payments and ulitmately raise my credit score?

Can a person get insurance on a car when the tag is in someones name?

can a person get insurance on a car if the tag is in someones elses name?

Car insurance question ONTARIO?

I am 18, live in Toronto, Ontario and dreaming of having a car, but I can't afford to pay $400 a month or more, so, could I get my dad to buy the car with my money, register it as if it his, get cheap insurance for it as if it was his, and then just drive it all the time having the proper car documents on me. How much of a legal issue would that be if a cop pulled me over and I showed him that the car is family owned and insured and I just happen to be driving it today. My family already has a truck and a Toyota, I don't know if that is relevant or not, but Im just throwing it out there. And just to make sure, what would happen if (god forbid) I was to get in an accident and wasn't at fault? how about if it was my fault(talk about sticky situations).""

I'm going to look at a used car today. When should I buy Insurance?

I've seen pictures and know a lot about it's history. They have asssured me they have reciepts for all the work done to it. I'm pretty certain i'll be buying the car as I am taking money. Do i ring my insurance to get an idea of price and then ask them to start the insurance immediately when I buy the car? Or do they have a delay to when i'll actually be insured/ to when the police can tell if a car is insured or not? So should i change my insurance now or later? Thanks

Van insurance employment status question?

I'm about to set up my own business as i've qualified as a painter & decorator so i'm looking into van insurance quotes. For the employment status i've been filling in my current job details (sales) as i am not yet registered as self employed and i will be maintaining my job until work picks up. Is this correct? It will only let me choose one occupation so the option of 2 is not there

Will my car insurance skyrocket if I switch from a '97 to a '09?

I live in NYC so my car insurance is already astronomical. I drive a 97 Saturn right now and Im thinking of getting a Prius because of gas prices. Do you think my insurance will increase by a lot because of the difference in model and year? I know I could just get a quote but that's a process with my insurance company.

Does it cost anymore to be named on someone else's insurance policycy?

Does it cost anymore to be named on someone else's insurance policycy?

How could I get my mom on my health insurance?

She is suffering from cancer and is thinking about filing for disability. When she leaves her job she will be dropped from her insurance. Also, she has blue cross and so do I. Please help.""

Health Insurance N. Florida?

Health Insurance CHP (Capital Health Plan) Tallahassee FL is diagnosing me? Why did my health insurance company contact my primary doctor after a hospital visit? After a recent visit to the ER due to a esophageal stricter which scared us thinking Chest pain! Spent 16 hours being observed and tested! Finally send down to endoscopy for a esophageal dilation! Did the job!! I was sent home 4 hours later! Now two weeks later I get a phone call from my Primary care Doctors office manager saying that my primary received a memo from my health insurance (after my ER visit) company and I was instructed to call and make an appointment for alcoholism counseling???? The night of the incident where I couldn't swallow, and was in pain! we had guests over and had a few beers! I gave the attending ER doctor all information including I had drank beer an hour before I got there. OK, now, For the 16 hours at the hospital and the multiple blood tests, everybody including the Dr's said everything looked good! and the Dr. that discharged me explained to my wife in detail about my blood work, said things were fine. So, why would my CHP (Capital Health Plan) health insurance company be contacting my primary? Especially about alcoholism counseling, this has NEVER been an issue in the past! I'm so upset! I've been with my primary for over 15 years and due to a knee injury he prescribes me mild pain killers, and Florida Law makes him take a urine sample every 3 months! Again this has never come up. Is this normal for an insurance company to do??? I'm so upset!!!!""

Aviva car insurance named driver no claims?

Hi, I have been a named driver on my dads insurance for one year due to not driving much and being able to afford run a car. Now that I full.time job I can now afford to run a car. So if I took my own policy out with aviva would they honour the no claim?""

Motorcycle insurance?

What should I be expecting to pay for insurance? I'm single, male, and 23 years old, and I would be getting my first bike. Geico quoted me at about $3360/yr, is this good/bad? Do you think other companies can do better? How much bodily injury coverage should I get?""

maryland insurance code section 19-511

maryland insurance code section 19-511

Does anyone know anything about Life Insurance?

I heard on the news that some life insurances might be in trouble..especially if they dealt with AIG. I have life insurance with AARP...Please tell me if I am in danger of losing it....What is the matter with people...Why are they so evil and greedy??? How would I find out if my Life Insurance si still good??

'95 Acura Integra insurance price?

I live in Texas and I amndering, what would the insurance cost a month for a Black Acura Integra. I am 17. Not exact price just a close estimate.""

""I don't have health insurance, need dental work help!!!!?""

Hello, I am a 21 year old male currently attending college, and working part time as a swim coach. I make just enough to pay for my car, insurance, phone, gas, and food. I looked around at different health insurance plans, but could not find one that is affordable to me, and has dental coverage. Over all I am in good health, have not visited a doctor since I was a kid. Last time I went to a doctor for a physical in high school, well I am afraid same goes for dental. I have not seen a dentist since last time I got a filling which was when I was like 14. I need to see a dentist ASAP, not that my teeth hurt, but I can see a cavity on my wisdom tooth. With the new health care reform and all, I am I eligible for any thing in particular? Any new programs or plans?""

If you buy a car in full do you need to have collision coverage in your car insurance?

If you buy the car in full (pay for the car at once, not lease or financed) do you need to have collision coverage? If I get into an accident with somebody, wouldn't the other person's insurance pay for my car's damage? I'm planning to buy a used car for $17000 (paying in full) should I get collision coverage? also somebody explain Liability and full coverage for me (I guess full coverage is selecting every coverage when you lease for finance your car).""

How much would it cost for insurance for a 18 year old with a 2001 toyota celica? Monthly and yearly?

In Canada not US

Which health insurance plans do you like in California?

For individuals which health insurance plans are good for people in good health? Are the Anthem plans a good choice for a family?

Where can i get insurance for my Aixam ?

On a full uk motorcylce licence category B1. a number please ! thanks

""Already expensive and soaring prices for the US health care, what can be done?""

Many folks just like you living either in Europe or Canada are paying much less in health care than us Americans. It was just a week ago I went to shop for dentist. In four different dentists each dentist give me a different quote, different prices when ALL of the services where the same. Something is wrong in this picture. I came to ask myself are doctors putting their own price tags on their services since they are NOT regulated. This is NOT about Democrat or Republican or any politics, it is a community asset that needs to be provided for the community in affordable prices like anybody else living outside the US. The notion that it is expensive in the US because of better services and top quality medicine is simply a hoax, because ALL MEDICATIONS contain the same ingredients, but different brand names. This is where government NEEDS to step in, and make sure nobody open up a business and put up their own price tags. Pharmacuetical companies may have spent MILLIONS to research and produce medicine but that should NOT all PAID by the consumers. Why should a patient pay for a money that is somehow added to your medical bills and medicine price because of pharmaceuticals research?. When it comes to college tuition and health care, everyone should put politics a side and draw a line between Capitalism and community assets. We elect our officials to provide us, secure us, and work for us, and when folks who only see making profit are more influential and more powerful than our elected officials than something must be done in here. Drugs made by US manufactures are sold to other countries for less than Americans can buy them. If nothing is done in here, I WILL DO SOMETHING, good or bad. Just to get results different than what we have today. Join me.""

How much will my insurance be?

I'm turning 16, and I intend to get a used passenger van for my first car (I'm in a band), and my parents are making me pay for my first 6 months of insurance (I believe you have to be 18 to have your own insurance so I guess they're making me pay the difference between whatever they usually pay and how much they'll pay after I'm on their policy. The van I'm looking at has 120,000 miles on it, if that matters, but only 70,000 on the rebuilt engine.""

Should i use life insurance or annuity or retirement?

my wife has a non qualified annuity @ 3% fixed rate. my question is on her renewel medicaid application should i use annuity-retirement or life insurance policy. thanks for any help & may GOD bless.

Is a Kawasaki ninja 250 or a Kawasaki KLR650 cheaper insurance?

I'm looking for a first bike, I am 16 years old, 150LBS, 5'11''. Money is an issue so I will be getting maybe an 08 ninja or an older duel sport bike. Anybody have any estimates and anybody have any suggestions? I will only have about $3000 to spend. I am looking for liability insurance.""

""Just bought a car and Just got permit, what is good insurance?""

I need to practice driving and get my license so I dont have to rely on friends and family all of the time. I need advice on some good cheap insurance for me. I am male, 18, no driving violations yet, and new at driving. I'm also a poor college kid.""

Insurance on a 95 camaro?

Im considering buying a pre-owned 1995 camaro for my first car. How do I find out how much the yearly insurance would be? Its not a convertible, and also its through allstate in new york. Would it be more than a 1998 maxima?""

How much should i get for my car from insurance?

Before owning my car it was rear ended and received a reconstructed title. It is a 97 Honda Hatch Back. I'm curious as to how much value insurance will see as lost on the car due to the reconstructed title, though even though it was restored to near perfect condition. I was in stop and go traffic yesterday and the car behind me didn't realize all the cars had stopped, he hit me doing roughly 45, my car was pushed into another car and it's definitely totaled at this point. Is there a set percentage they deduct if you have a reconstructed title?""

""Need cheap auto insurance, Arizona?""

only drive 2 miles a couple times a week, never had a accident or ticket; 63yrs old,Mesa,AZ""

How much insurance cost for 350z?

Im 18 and i have a clean record and what does the insurance cost in wisconsin ,Port Washington . For each insurance company if you can tell me please .""

Help!! price of insurance?

i would like to know how certain factors determine the price of insurance. 1) how does costs affect the price of insurance 2) how does amount of claims affect the price of insurance 3) how does risk levels affect the price of insurance 4) how does predictability of risk affect the price of insurance 5) how does return from investments affect the price of insurance 6) how does level of interest rates affect the price of insurance 7) how does profit margin affect the price of insurance 8) how does competition affect the price of insurance 9) how does goverment regulation affect the price of insurance

1967 mustang insurance?

I am 20 years of age me never been involve in car accident and never gotten pulled over have had my driver license since 2008-2009 around there I was thinking of buying a 1967 mustang does anyone know how much insurance will cost for that I currently have farmers insurance. Also does anyone know how much it will cost me to change its license plate tags from Oklahoma to California tags Its coming from Oklahoma thank you

Has anyone purchased car insurance online?

I want to purchase geico online but would like some input on any experiences with online auto insurance policies?

Good health insurance?

Looking for good affordable health insurance.

How to get health insurance?

I am an 18 year-old independent, (due to marriage) diabetic. I can't get approved for health insurance because you have to be 19 and I won't be 19 for two months. I don't have enough medical supplies to last for two months or more. Medicaid denied me and none of the clinics in my area help with Type 1 diabetes. My parent's don't have health insurance at the moment, so they can't add me. I am not a full-time college student either. I work full-time, but the insurance through my work are too expensive. How can I get health insurance immediately?""

Homeowners insurance in Valrico FL?

I am interested in buying a home in Valrico FL. Particularly Diamond Hill, a golf course community. Great price, but we are new at buying and have no idea what insurance might be on this place.Just to factor it in for our monthly cost. It is a 3/2/2 1800 sq ft @ $110k. no pool. I mean were talking just a rough estimate, close figure something. Again we have not the slightest clue as to what it could be. Any advice is really appreciated.""

I'm in college with no health or dental insurance... What are my options?

My parents don't have any health insurance either, so being on one of their plans isn't an option. I'm kind of stressed out because I have asthma and my wisdom teeth are starting to really bother me, but I don't make nearly enough money to take care of either problem. As of today what are my options for affordable health/dental care until I graduate and can afford life?""

""I own a 2000 chevy cavalier and im 17 years old and need insurance, about how much would that cost?""

Its small, green, and its a two door""

My wife is pregnant. Due date: 9/10/09. Our COBRA health insurance expires on 7/18/09. What to do?

Our insurance expires before the due date. NO PROBLEM. We're getting a HIPAA guarantee issue plan. Here's the question: Our insurance expires on the 18th, but HMO's don't start until the 1st of the month. This would leave a 2 week gap where we wouldn't have coverage. We can't start a HIPAA HMO on July 1, because you have to expire all 18months of COBRA before you're eligible for a HIPAA guarantee issue plan. Chances are it'd be ok waiting until 8/1 to begin our new HIPAA plan, but if my wife went into early labor, it would be a very, very bad situation. PPO's start on the 1st, and sometimes the 15th. Same problem. What should we do? We'd prefer to not have a gap in our coverage.""

maryland insurance code section 19-511

maryland insurance code section 19-511

What are good sites to get multiple car insurance quotes all at once so you can compare?

I don't mean individual insurance companies like geico or all-state, I mean where it can do the quotes for multiple companies at a time. Know any safe & legit websites? I don't want to put my personal info just anywhere.""

How much would insurance cost for my moped?

So I'm going to be 16 soon and I'm going to get a 50cc moped. Could someone tell me what the average cost of insurance would cost please? Thanks

Cheap auto insurance online?

Where can I get the cheapest online auto insurance?

How muh would cost me a car insurance? i havent bought the car yet. i am a new driver.?

How muh would cost me a car insurance? i havent bought the car yet. i am a new driver.?

Will my premiums go up on car insurance if I'm not At Fault?

I live in the state of Michigan. Someone rear ended me at a stoplight. My tail light is broken and my bumper is sagging along with other minor scratches etc. I have 2 main questions ...show more

Best insurance company.?

In your opinion what's the best insurance company. For a car that is.

Where can I get insurance for an older car?

I have a 1969 VW Beetle and need cheapish insurance. Very few insurers will cover a car that old unless it is a classic , but as this means it can only really be driven to shows and whatnot, it won't work for me. This is my daily driver. Thanks in advance.""

Need advice about getting a motorcycle and a permit at 15 1/5 in CA?

Well im gonna try and get my motorcycle permit at 15 and half. ive already researched and know that i can in california....i just have some questions.also, i have been riding dirtbikes all my life and sometimes ride on the street illegally and i feel safer and like i can handle them better than cars. is insurance going to go up insanely? is a harley sportster an alright bike for me to get at first?( i WILL be taking a motorcylce safety course also) and is there a specific engine size limit if i do have my permit?""

How much do you pay for Manitoba car insurance?

How much would an 18 year old male pay for car insurance? If you are that age or around there please tell me your age and what car you drive. I was interested in comparing w/ Manitoba because I live in Ontario and apparently my dad told me its 1000-1500 dollars a year!

How can I afford car insurance (17 - 18 year old)?

Does anyone have any ideas on how to afford running a car, especially insurance which would be around 2500-3000 per year. I'm still in sixth form and plan to go to university so I only really have weekends to work. Is it possible to afford to run a car? How to people do it? Thanks""

Lamborghini insurance price?

please tell me the price of lamborghini insurance. I am looking for a 2009 Gallardo [ cost 220,000 dollars] i am 32 and have a clean traffic record in everything!! dont say theres an old saying if you have to ask u cnat afford!! p.s. i make 500k a year i have been looking for insurance and have an answer just trieng to see what you guys think im not sh*tting you!!""

Cheapest Car Insurance here in Florida?

My wife will going to finance a car this month. A ford focus to be specific and its my first time to avail an Auto Insurance but I'm driving for four years in Philippines and I'm now 24 yrs old. Some advice what car insurance company is the cheapest for first time buyer and who doesn't have a credit history? My wife is 29 and we got our license here in Florida last month. I drive for more than 4 years and my wife just learned how to drive last year before we went here in US.

Car Insurance cost for 18 year old?

I'm 18 and am a beginner in driving and my dad wanted to set up my insurance. The car i would be using would be my dads 1967 Oldsmobile cutlass (classic Muscle car). So i was wondering how much insurance would be at my age with the car i would be using, and with no bad previous record for accidents and/or tickets.""

Help with Yamaha raptor 660 insurance for a 20 year old ?

Hi i'm finding it hard to get insurance on my raptor 660. i'm 20 years old and the only company i can find is falcon insurance and they want 1500 :| does anybody know any other good places for young riders ? i've tried, Carole nash Lexham MCE Bike sure Performance direct axa Adrian flux Call connections and a few more. Any company suggestions to help find it cheaper would be appriciated thanks...""

Is insurance required to keep a valid Florida driver's license if I dont own nor drive a car?

I am not currently driving nor do is there a vehicle under my name. If i do drive it will be a friend or girlfriends car. Will the florida dmv suspend my license now that I have been removed from my parents insurance?

How does my driving record affect my parents insurance rates?

In Illinois How does my driving record (20 F) affect my parents auto insurance if I'm not on their policy? I have my own car in my name and my own insurance policy in a different company than theirs. I do have 2 points on my record from a collision back in Oct. of 08' shortly after I got my license. Even than I had my own car and own insurance. I do live at home but I don't drive any of their cars ever.

How can i start selling life insurance at home and what type of license do i need?

Would i be able to start my own buisness online and localy selling another companys life insurance and setting up appointments what kind of license do i need to sell insurance and for my own buisness do i just selling life insurance for another company do i just need a llc license

Car insurance on second how is it covered.?

I am very confuse. I added a second car so that my lil brother can be insured under my policy because its more affordable for him. both car is stored at different address and my address was the permanent address on the policy. Is he still insured? His registation and license is still listed at my address because he use to live with me. Now that he moved out will he still be insured because his licesnse and registration permanenet address is still listed at my home, but his mailing address has change? If he get in accident will it affect me personally like insurance sue me for any damages that is beyond the coverag. How does adding a 2nd driver and car works? Also, Is there such thing like if I insured his car without added him as a second driver and still be insured if he or anyones drives it. If you are an expert and clarify this for me. I want greatly thank you in advance for taking time to help me.""

Can i survive without auto insurance?

I'm 16 and a half. I live in California. I got my drivers license yesterday. My dad has farmers insurance. Adding me to his plan will double his monthly bill. I am a VERY good driver, i live in a small city, and i never go on the freeway. Is it alright if i drive without adding myself to his insurance plan? i don't think $200/month is necessary. Also, it is not legal to drive in California without financial coverage so if i get pulled over, will i get into trouble?(the car's covered so im partially covered rite?). Thank you""

Car insurance increase?

my friend was pulled over for speeding while unlicensed due to a 6 month lapse in insurance, she was arrested and charged with a misdimeanor of aggrivated unlicensed operation of a vehicle as well as speeding 20 miles over the speed limit. She had at least one other ticket from several months ago that she never paid. it was for talking on a cell phone (illegal in nys). She has gotten other tickets in the past as well but those have long since been taken care of. She is 25. she believes that her car insurance is only going to be $80 a month in a few months when she is able to get her license back, and told me that the speeding ticket it will raise it a little, but the driving without a license and not paying car insurance for 6 months does not affect her rate. Can someone prove her wrong? Has anyone experienced an increase in their car insurance because of a lapse or becuase they were arrested for driving without a license?""

Which dental insurance/plan?

i recently came to the US from UK and i have 2 teeth at front that were once chipped and now built up with 'cement'. i plan to possibly have a couple boxing matches while im here. so im looking for a purely dental plan that covers things like the possibility of my tooth chipping again etc. but would also like basic dental coverage while im here too (as my wisdom teeth are coming through n its possible i might need them removed?)

Does an insurance company have to insure a rebuild title?

for a car that has been rebuilt does the company have to insure it?

Does anyone know about whether or not you are required to have car insurance in California?

or does the DMV get to know and suspend your car if you do not?

What amount should I expect to pay for car insurance on a 2010 Camaro? I'm 18 years old.?

I am just finally getting my license. I go to the North Carolina School of Science and Math, have scored an 800 on multiple SAT Subject Tests (2190 on my SAT), and have made straight As throughout high school. I've also attended a driver's education class (while this applies more to driver's insurance instead of car insurance, I'd assume it still carries some weight). The Camaro is a 2010 V6 LT1. Am I going to have to pay like hell to afford this?""

Can car insurance companies check if you drive another car ?

if you get a car insurance quote and you say you have access to another car in your information is there any way they can check ? I have just renewed my car insurance and noticed that it was cheaper when i said i had regular use of another car. The thing is i do have use of my brothers car but im not an actual name driver on the insurance. My brothers car is fully comprehensive and thinks that anyone can drive the vehicle. Is this true ? i dont get how my insurance company are going to catch me out if im driving my brothers car without any mention of my name on his insurance

maryland insurance code section 19-511

maryland insurance code section 19-511

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/got-car-accident-driving-someones-elses-had-insurance-luis-wolfe/"

[theseventhhex]

Miya Folick Interview

Miya Folick

Photo by Maya Fuhr

LA-based artist Miya Folick returns with her latest EP ‘Give It to Me’, a five-song collection with astounding and provocative songs. Effectively capturing the bombast of her live shows, Miya’s compositions also seamlessly peak with her virtuosic and alluring vocal prowess. Miya’s engaging lyrical songwriting is driven and complimented by textures of intoxicating guitar and catchy hooks. Honing her craft with sincerity, Miya can pivot effecitvely from an individual tone to an elaborate one. The music is beguiling, nifty and uncanny - exposed and without boundaries… We talk to Miya Folick about soaking up her experiences, dance aerobics and Finding Dory…

TSH: With your recent songwriting perspectives, do you feel your direction has become a little less about your personal life and more about how you see the world?

Miya: I think so. I mainly wrote this current EP on my own, except for ‘Give it to Me’, which I wrote with my band. But yeah, I agree that for this EP it was more of a deliberate choice to look elsewhere with my songwriting. Although, now I’m working on my album and writing with other people more, so I think that broadens the spectrum too. To be honest, the entire outside world is inside of me, so I guess all of my expressions are internal anyway, ha!

TSH: Nonetheless, you still soak up all of your experiences, whether it’s the opinion of others or your surroundings?

Miya: Exactly. Regardless of whether I’m writing about my own life or what’s happening externally, it’s still really internal and very emotional.

TSH: Does your creative process still consist of songs coming to you in a stream of consciousness, as well as you singing gibberish words and phrases popping out which eventually make sense?

Miya: Yeah, pretty much. I do keep a notebook of ideas and phrases that I find interesting, but I don’t bring material to a writing session. As you said, I just start with a stream of consciousness type of approach. I never come in with a pre-planned structure; it’s just not the way I write. I prefer to be very much in the moment; therefore I simply just sit and sing whatever comes to me.

TSH: When you write songs about yourself, do you feel that you’re breaking down your own character?

Miya: Yeah, I think it’s just an exploration of thoughts, feelings and ideas within me. There are so many different sides to me, just like with everyone else. I think what’s cool about songs is that you don’t have to fit everything you feel and believe into a song; you can just focus on one thing at times.

TSH: What resonates with you most with regards to ‘Give it to Me’?

Miya: I keep reinterpreting this song as I move on: sometimes it’s about a person in my life and sometimes it’s just about life in general. Also, sometimes when I perform it I’m crying and other times I’m laughing! I think these are the reasons why I like this song so much. It’s specific enough that you can relate to it and it’s just vague enough so that you can make it about whatever you want it to be about.

TSH: How did riding a rollercoaster for the video come about?

Miya: Eva Michon, who directed the video, just went with her first intuition to put me on a rollercoaster. It was so much fun and something that I would never have thought of. I guess the video is more playful and light-hearted than I would normally gravitate towards, but I like that about it.

TSH: Talk us though the journey in getting ‘Trouble Adjusting’ to sound just right...

Miya: Oh, that song has been on quite a journey. We’ve been playing it for quite a while as a band. The first demo of it that I made on Logic was closer to the tempo of how it ended up on the recording - it was like a fast 90s rock song. However, when I first brought it to the band, we decided to play around with it and slow down the tempo - it became super-slow, sludgy and had enough room for me to yell and scream. In the end, I revisited the demo, and it was actually my management and label who said they preferred the demo over the slow version that we used to play live. To be honest, I have to agree, it sounded better than when it was slowed down, otherwise I feel it was too overdramatic. Eventually, I brought it back to the band and we sped it up. I’m so happy with the way it turned out, especially the guitar work from my guitarist Josh, who gave it a woozy and psychedelic vibe.

TSH: During touring downtime, do you still opt to have several hours to yourself?

Miya: Oh yeah! I’m so into that. I just need time to myself and to not talk to anybody...

TSH: Is the reason for this in relation to your brain starting to overthink, whereas you’d rather just be floating?

Miya: Yeah! You know, I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed from having to talk to people so much, haha! It’s really as simple as that! I live by myself when I’m at home, so I’m used to spending a lot of time alone, and I like that. I guess at times I just find it hard to give anything in conversation with people. Although, as we tour more and more, I find myself becoming a better and more patient person. I relax more now and simply tell people I don’t feel like talking, which makes it fine, haha! I feel I just need time for my brain to do nothing, you know? I need time to myself to just gaze aimlessly at a plant or a lamppost.

TSH: You’ve had some notable highlights during your European tour, including buying falafels in Utrecht in the middle of the night...

Miya: Haha! That night was fun. You know, I’m just lucky to tour with a band that is really happy to be doing what we are doing. Besides, nobody is jaded yet. It’s great to drive from place to place. One of my highlights was when we were driving from Berlin to Hamburg and we saw the yellow fields for the first time. I lost my mind at how beautiful they were! I’d never driven through the German countryside before.

TSH: What is it about people saying things in unison that makes you emotional?

Miya: l don’t know, maybe it’s some voodoo shit, haha! I’m kidding! I think it makes me emotional because people saying things in unison feels so human, you know? Saying things in unison is a big part of ancient traditions and religion, as well sports too. I mean we even pledge allegiance together. I personally think people seek out ways to speak in unison because it allows each of us to vibrate and connect with each other.

TSH: How do you like to attain a positive frame of mind?

Miya: I go jogging a lot to clear my mind. There’s also a lake in Echo Park that I like to walk around as well. Also, I do meditate to keep myself quite centred too. Oh, and I love to dance! I go to a dance aerobics class often with my friends; we just sweat and enjoy ourselves. Everyone there is very diverse and so happy to be there. These are the types of places that I want to seek out, where everyone can feel connected and happy. After all, it’s so easy to surround yourself with people that are very intelligent, but quite negative. Sure, you’ll get interesting conversations out of it, but it can really bring you down. I guess being realistic is cool and all, but I don’t think negativity is very useful.

TSH: For yourself, why is Finding Dory ’an incredibly stressful movie’?

Miya: Haha! I don’t have a television but when I visit my parents I often watch a lot of TV. And so I was watching Finding Dory and it was so stressful! I mean they are always searching and searching, it goes on and on. It’s never ending and it brought about an anxiety in me. It’s weird because I can relate it to the same anxiety that I think a lot of my friends have in L.A. My friends are constantly surrounded with dilemmas of searching for answers and wanting direction in their daily lives. So yeah, Finding Dory feels like anxiety overload, it’s way too stressful, haha!

TSH: What do you hope to maintain with your musical preferences as you look ahead?

Miya: l want to hold on to the emotion, honesty and truth within my music. Sometimes as an artist when you write more and more, it’s easy to distance yourself from your craft and be somewhat complacent, but I just want to continue making music that feels honest. I feel my music will sonically change quite a bit and it might come back to where it is now at a later date, but I hope it remains sincere. I just want to be able to play a show and sing my songs with real commitment.

Miya Folick - “Give It To Me”

Give It to Me - Single