#it's so fucking confusing. trying to find yourself in a world that will be cruel to either version of you is so hard.

[kkujo]

ppl rarely talk about how difficult it is to question your gender in a society that treats trans people so horribly

[candyskiez]

so, you've heard shows be recommended because they had gay characters. you don't really know what they're actually about though, and don't know if they'd be something you'd be into and are worried about spoilers. here's spoiler free plot summaries of em!

The Owl House

The Owl House starts out as a typical teenage girl goes into a fantasy realm story, but with a twist. Actions have consequences. The protagonist is a girl named Luz Noceda, who was being sent to a camp to make her behave normally by her mother after causing too much trouble at school. She ends up finding a place she's always dreamed of: a fantasy world. A world where everyone's so much weirder than she is. And she thinks, maybe if I don't belong out there, maybe people will like me here. Maybe I can be special here.

It's a story about found family, propaganda, erased history, living with disability, religious trauma, and neurodivergence. It's fundamentally a show about people who's brains work differently finding each other and making a family that treats them right. Definitely my favorite of the ones on this list. It's about people who've been oppressed being pissed about it and about finding yourself again after giving up on everyone around you for so long. It's basically a show about being a minority and trying to be understood and to understand yourself in the process. It's about growing up neurodivergent and how isolating it feels and figuring yourself out. It's about repairing broken relationships and parents who fuck up. And it's just. Such a love letter to anyone who was the weird kid in school. It's sad and heartbreaking and also so hopeful, and it's wonderful.

Content warnings: Abuse, Death, Grief, Animal Death, Suicidal thoughts, Vague suicide attempts, Depression, blink and you'll miss it s/h, body horror, religious trauma

She Ra and the Princesses Of Power

Adora was raised in the Horde since she was a baby, being fed propaganda about how cruel the princesses were. After learning how the horde actually was, though, she defects. But there's one problem. Her best friend, Catra, stays behind. Adora finds a sword that can transform her into She Ra, and might be the key to figuring out who she really is, while Catra takes her place as force captain.

It's a story about abuse, at the end of the day. Adora and Catra were stuck in a golden child and scapegoat dynamic, despite how much they care about each other. This leads to them knowing everything about each other but not understanding it. There's a fundamental disconnect between them, because both of their traumas are completely different. They have complete misconceptions about each other. Even in their initial split, they both have completely different perceptions of what's going on and why the other is upset. It's not a story about magic princesses, it's about the cycle of abuse and what makes it so complicated. Does it have flaws? Yeah. But ultimately I really really enjoy it, and when it does something right it does something RIGHT. Get through season one, it starts kids show-y but it gets very good during later s1.

Content warnings: Abuse (obviously), body horror, gaslighting (and I mean actual gaslighting, not what the Internet thinks gaslighting is), suicide, depression, flashing lights and eyestrain during the finale

Steven Universe

Steven Universe is a sins of the father story. Steven is the son of the leader of the rebel group The Crystal Gems, who's name was Rose Quartz. He navigates the confusion of being half gem and half human, as well as trying to figure out the mess of the rebellion and what his mother left behind. He's constantly in her shadow, for better or for worse.

It's a story about grief. How it impacts relationships, how it taints history, how it impacts family. It has some definite flaws, but ultimately it's about very flawed people who have lost so many people in their life trying to cope with it. Trying to handle what they lost and trying to adjust to life without them. It's about how expectations fuck a kid up and about agency and just a show about complicated relationships in general, at the end of the day. Also, it has some FANTASTIC music.

Content warnings: Grief, Abuse, body horror, very creepy people I don't know how to tag, heavy allegories for homophobia

Nimona

Nimona is a story about a guy who gets framed for murder. His name is Ballister Boldheart, a commoner who hoped to become a knight. It seemed everyone was waiting to watch him fail, so it was no surprise when he was the immediate target. Heavily injured and away from the man he loves, he's left alone trying to figure out a way to prove his innocence- until a strange kid comes into his life. This kids name is Nimona, and while he is intent on proving his innocence, she gave up on being anything but a villain a long time ago.

It's about deconstructing the model minority myth, trans rage, propaganda, and with a healthy dose of "FUCK the police".

Content warnings: Heavy injury, on screen suicide attempt, flashing lights

feel free to add more shows! just remember to keep the summaries as spoiler free as you can and add content warnings!

[jamil-s-wifey]

If you're taking any scenario request. Maybe could I request funny/silly one where Leona and his S/O are married and live in the Royal Palace. Leona's S/O has gotten lost somehow in their own home and when found their response is "This place is too damn big I'm sorry!"

You have NO idea how much I love these types of fics! Wholesome crackheadedness at its finest✨ We love a spouse with 0 orientation skills. (I'd know, I get lost in supermarkets) This was ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I've EVER written. I hope you enjoy!

"What the actual fuck."

A turn here. A turn there.

Oh, would you look at that - the exact same vase you passed 5 minutes ago. But was that really the same vase? Or was it its evil twin, trying to further confuse you, only for you to get lost even more and die of starvation, eventually BECOMING ONE WITH THE PALACE...

God, whoever built this palace should have their head on a stake. Haha, that sounded a lot like the Red Queen of Hearts. Perhaps Riddle was rubbing off on you. You two did text occasionally since graduating from NRC.

Speaking of graduation, you married Leona. (yay!) And it's not like you weren't happy. Life was relatively peaceful. You two moved back to the palace. Arrangements had begun for you two to take over a certain part of Sunset Savannah, as something akin to a *Peerage. (They had their own name for it, you are currently far too annoyed to remember.) A lot of (semi-forced) communication set the road to reconciliation between the two brothers. (Admittedly a very long road. A road that puts Gulliver's travels to shame.) The Royal Family™️ accepted you with open hearts. (albeit a tad wary at first)

Really there was only one major problem.

The ROYAL PALACE IS LIKE A GODDAMN LABYRINTH. And that's rich, given your history of painting the white roses with Ace and Deuce in Heartsabyul's maze. So here you are, lost.

Scratch that.

Lost: again.

And all you wanted to do was find Cheka's room. You had a gift for the little cub.

"An architectural masterpiece, my ass. This is an architectural disaster. A disaster with a capital D. D for Vitamin D - what I won't be getting, because I'm trapped within these walls, where the SUN CAN'T REACH ME-"

Okay. Calm down. It's not that bad, sure there isn't a soul in sight, but you're bound to stumble upon somebody at some point, right? There had to be servants, or guards, or somebody! UNLESS! This is all an elaborate plan to get rid of you.

Aha! That must be it. The Royal Family wants you dead and they intend to make it seem like an accident! But Leona wouldn't allow that, right? He loves you! Dearly! You're his spouse, his one and only! Ah, cruel fate.

Is it just you...or are these walls moving in on each other. So this IS an assassination attempt! And you presented yourself on a silver platter. Good job, s/o. Splendid work. A royal for a few months and you're already about to be assassinated. Your name shall remain the book of "Dumbest ways to die." Goodbye cruel world-

"S/o."

Leona's voice rang through the empty hallway, "What are you doing out here."

Ah! And so tragedy was avoided once more!

"Leona, my LOVE! Thank God."

"Did you just- get lost in the palace... again?", his eyes read annoyance but his tone was teasing.

"It's not MY fault this place is so damn big, what do you need all this space for anyways? Indoor badminton? Hide and Seek or Die?"

"Definitely that last one. That's how we get rid of our enemies."

"AHA! I knew it! So this IS an assassination attempt!"

He simply rolled his eyes, pulling you towards him to wrap an arm around your waist and kiss you on the forehead.

"This isn't an assassination attempt. You did this yourself. It's called idiocy."

"You should build a better palace."

"What I should do is put a collar on you. With a tracking device on it. Like a pet."

"Oh, Leona~ Who knew you were into that~"

"Next time I'm leaving you here to rot."

"Then I'll haunt you to Hell and back."

He smirked, pinching your cheek as you were both making your way far from the cursed looping corridor.

"At least you won't be able to get lost."

"I told you, it's not my fault."

"Nah, of course not. The Palace is just cursed."

"EVIDENTLY."

You both knew this isn't the last time you'll be getting lost. And Leona was seriously considering the tracking device.

Perhaps he'd already ordered it too.

You were about to find out.

*Peerage - collective noun for titles like Duke, Duchess, Count, Earl etc. Comes from "Peers of the Realm" where one could hold one or more of these titles. It differs from monarchy to monarchy. THAT'S YOUR WORD FOR THE DAY FOLKS!

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

Take Care of You [9]

Sugar Daddy!Joel Miller x Female!Reader

Overall Warnings: slow burn, angst/comfort, power imbalance, age gap, possessive tendencies, eventual smut, #daddyissues, independent reader learns to let go and relax, emotionally constipated Joel Miller learns to be vulnerable; (more specific warnings to be added to individual chapters if necessary)

Chapter Word Count: 9,950

Mood board and borders by @saradika

Summary: You spent your entire adult life supporting yourself and barely getting by. It’s why a life of ease offered to you by a mysterious stranger sounded so foreign and unbelievable. Joel Miller, dressed in flannels that had seen better days, didn’t look like the kind who could promise you the world on a plate, but he seemed desperate to help out. All he asks is that you let him take care of you. That wouldn’t be so hard. Would it?

[a/n: we back, baby. and we also barely edited so if you catch a typo don't hate me. also this was supposed to end in a different spot but then i got carried away in the middle so i had to split it 🥴]

Chapter Specific Warnings: angst, heartbreak, binge drinking to ease emotional turmoil, mild violence, mentions of blood and injury

09: LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU

"i still haven't figured out how to sit across from you, and not be madly in love with everything you do." ⏤ william c. hannon

Three years ago, Nima tried to convince you to go skydiving with her. She begged and she pleaded, but you told her ‘no’ on account of thinking she was a crazy person for wanting to jump out of a perfectly good plane. Which was hilarious now considering you were sitting beside Joel wanting to pull open the door and dive out. The irony was not lost on you.

The only reason you hadn’t gone scrambling for the door was because Joel was forced to take a work call a few minutes into the flight. He hadn’t moved away. Joel stayed right next to you with his arm behind you as he spoke, and every few moments he’d glance at you with a silent apology and shake his head. You’d reply with a tight lipped smile and go back to mindlessly scrolling through instagram. 

Unfortunately the mindlessly scrolling was not so mindless. Since leaving Vegas, you had a high pitch ringing in the back of your mind like an endless, echoing siren. Married. A married man. Joel was⏤ Your teeth were clenched together so hard you wondered if Joel could hear them grinding against one another. Yesterday had been filled with so much anxiety, and you had managed to work through it by the end of the night. Mostly. But this was worse. This was so much worse. 

Married?

Your throat suddenly felt tight, eyes stinging with unshed tears, and you hastily undid your seatbelt and stood. Joel glanced your way and you pointed to the back of the plane and mouthed the word ‘bathroom’ to him. He nodded with a soft smile, and you spun on your heel and practically sprinted to the tiny plane bathroom. You struggled to get the folding door shut and the stewardess who sat not far away stared at you in confusion. You gave her an awkward wave and finally got it latched. 

“Fuck.” You shoved your face in your hands, leaning against the wall, and held back your tears. You were confused and frustrated, and you couldn’t even find relief in a good cry because Joel would spot it in a heartbeat no matter how much you tried to put yourself back together. The thought of confronting him about this right now was your worst nightmare. You hadn’t had the time to process any of the wild thoughts pinging around your head yet.

Your mind was at war with itself. On one hand, maybe you were being stupid and naive. For the last month and a half you’ve spent nearly every day with Joel and on the days you weren’t actively seeing him the two of you would talk either over a call or through text. You knew Yo-yo for 24 hours. Sure, she seemed nice and sincere, but what if Rosalind sent her to screw with you? For all you knew, Yo-yo had cruel intentions and was trying to drive a wedge between you and Joel. By taking her word you’d be playing right into that trap. What she said about the other sugar baby and about Joel being married? Maybe it was all fake and you’ve been stressing for no reason.

On the other hand, Joel didn’t kiss you. He didn’t kiss you because he wanted to ‘do right by you’. Joel asked for time. Was it because he needed to get a divorce? Worse. Was he married with absolutely no plans to get divorced and just buying time for something else? 

God, if you kept up this line of thought you were gonna vomit. Quickly, you turned to the sink to splash a little cold water on your face in hopes it would help you get your shit together for the next thirty minutes. Half an hour and you’d be on the ground. But then what? It would be a miracle if you kept it together for thirty minutes let alone any longer. 

You took in a long, slow breath and tried to clear your mind. When you felt steady enough, you stepped out of the bathroom. As tempting as it was to hide in there for the rest of the flight, it would probably be a red flag for Joel that something was wrong. You wandered back over to Joel and at your approach, and at the sight of you, he covered the bottom of his phone and whispered, “You alright?”

“Mhmm.” You nodded quickly and sat back down.

“I’m sorry. Jus’ another minute.” 

You waved your hands at him as nonchalantly as you could and he went back to his call. You leaned back in the seat, phone in hand, and Joel readjusted his arm on the back of the seat so he could settle his hand on your shoulder. As he always did, his thumb was tracing circles on your shoulder. An action you always loved, but now an intrusive thought slammed into you⏤ does he do this with his wife? The question was so startling, so sickening, that you couldn’t bite back the nausea that rolled through your body. You jumped up so fast you nearly stumbled over your feet, and you scrambled for the bathroom. 

Vaguely, you heard your name behind you, but you didn’t stop until you reached the toilet. You fell to your knees and threw up. The taste of acid in your mouth made you wince, but getting it all up did bring some relief. That relief was short lived though as you felt a large, warm hand settle on your back.

“Jesus, sugar.” He said in a soothing voice as he rubbed your back. “What’s goin’ on? Have you felt sick all mornin’?”

You spat into the toilet bowl, trying to get the taste of bile out of your mouth, before reaching out and flushing the toilet. You tried to stand, and Joel hooked his arm around you to help you up. He called out of the bathroom and a second later the stewardess brought in a cup of water and a ginger ale. Joel handed you the water and kept his hand rubbing up and down on your back.

“I’m⏤ I’m fine.” You shook your head and took a sip of water to swish and spit into the sink. “Really.”

“Obviously not.” Joel replied. “C’mon, let’s sit you down.”

“Joel…” You tried to argue, but he wasn’t hearing it. He kept an arm around you as he carefully led you back to the seat. He brought the bottle of ginger ale with you and the moment you finished the water he took the cup out of your hand to replace it with the soda. “I feel better now. It’s fine.”

“You’ve been off this mornin'. I was worried.” Joel lifted a hand to feel your forehead. It made sense that Joel picked up on your distress. He had always been so good at reading you. “You seemed fine when we first woke up. When exactly did you start feelin' sick?”

You took a sip of the ginger ale, “I…I don’t know. After breakfast maybe.” You lied. The sincerity in his eyes, the concern in his voice, it was both bringing you comfort and making you sick again all at once. You felt so stupid. Either you were freaking out over a lie a woman you barely knew told you or you were being tricked into feelings by a married man. Either way, you felt pathetic. “Your, um, your work call, Joel.”

Joel shook his head in response and didn’t even bother addressing the work call he stopped. He set a hand on the back of your neck and his thumb was lightly ghosting over your skin. You closed your eyes and took a slow breath in and out through your nose. “Tell me what I can do, sugar.”

“I⏤” You swallowed the lump in your throat. You forced your eyes open, finding Joel’s furrowed brow and worried gaze already on you, and it made you want to cry. You shook your head, “I, um, I think I just wanna lay down for a while. If that’s okay.”

“Course it’s okay.” He replied. 

The seat the two of you were sharing wasn’t long enough for you to lay down without laying your head on Joel’s lap. You planned on moving to the other couch seats to lay down, but Joel’s hand was still on the back of your neck and he lightly began to guide you down. Too tired to even try and move, you settled your head on his thigh and curled your body up onto the rest of the seat. 

In any other situation, this would be one of the most comfortable spots on Earth. Your head rested on his thick, firm thigh, and Joel’s hand traced where he could reach. Up and down your jawline and neck⏤ his thumb and forefinger would occasionally massage your earlobe. You tried to calm your racing thoughts. The truth was, you didn’t know the truth yet. It was a fact you kept repeating in your head in hopes it would numb the sharp pain of your worst fears, but those intrusive thoughts continued to pummel you.

“I’m so sorry, baby girl.” Joel murmured while his fingers dragged across your skin. “What a shitty way to end this weekend.” You hummed in agreement. This really was a shitty way to close out what started as one of the best weekends of your life.

Avoiding Joel made you realize how involved in your life he was. After landing in LA, Joel tried to drag you to a doctor and only conceded when you told him it was probably a 24 hour bug and you just wanted to sleep. He called you later that night to check in on you, and you managed to talk to him for a few minutes before lying about wanting to go to bed early. Come Monday morning, you went to work despite Joel texting you that you should stay home. Trying to focus at work was physically painful. Enough so that after the nightmare Monday had been, you left midway through the day today claiming to Henry that you didn’t feel well. It wasn’t even a full blown lie. You felt like shit.

Nima threw the folder of papers onto her desk and set her hands on her hips, “I’m gonna hit him with my car.”

“Please don’t.” You mumbled with your chin resting in your palm as you leaned on the other side of her desk. After leaving work, you came directly to Nima’s office. Going home and sitting on your couch, alone with your thoughts, would only make you ten times more miserable.

“No, actually, my car isn’t big enough. I’m gonna commandeer a bus and hit him with that.”

“I haven’t confirmed anything yet. For all I know, I’m being this pathetic over nothing.”

Nima snapped her hand up and pointed at you with a glare, “No. I will not have you shit talking yourself when the only person we should be shit talking is Joel Miller and his wife.”

You groaned and let your head fall to the desk. The words ‘Joel Miller and his wife’ made you viscerally ill. The time you spent not talking to Joel Monday night you spent stalking people on social media. You reached dead ends very quickly though since Joel didn’t have any social media whatsoever. The easiest solution was to just look Joel in the eyes and ask him for the truth, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You wanted to know the truth, but you were scared to actually seek it out. 

If you asked Joel for the truth, if you confronted him, then he’d give it to you.

What if the truth was something you didn’t want to hear?

“Alrighty, babe, real talk.” Nima said and you lifted your head, keeping your chin resting on the wood, and saw she had dropped down into her office chair. To meet your eye line, she held her chin on the desk across from you to mirror your position. “I can threaten and plot his demise all I want, but I know I’m not allowed to kill him until this is confirmed or denied.” She twisted her lips. “You deserve the truth.”

You pouted, “How am I supposed to ask him about this, Nima??”

Her eyebrows furrowed in concern, “If you did ask… How sure are you that he’d answer truthfully?”

You pushed up and leaned back in the chair. That was a good question, and with anyone else it would probably be a real concern. However, you weren’t worried about that. You truly, deep down, believed that if you confronted Joel about this he would give you the truth. 

“I really think he would.” You answered. “Is that naive of me?”

“You know him better than I do.”

This entire situation made you question that. Did you know him? You knew he grew up in Austin. He had a younger brother, Tommy, and it was just them and his mom for most of his childhood. You knew he attended one year in college when his mom passed away⏤ cancer. Joel dropped out of college to take care of his brother and picked up a job in construction. That’s where he got his start. His first boss saw he had a knack for more than just the manual labor and trusted him with more and more until Joel was running sites for the man. At 27, Joel’s girlfriend of three months got pregnant. They planned to make it work, but she left when Sarah was two weeks old. You knew he adopted Ellie three years later. That he earned his bachelor’s degree in business at home through online classes while raising two young girls and working a full time job. That he started Miller Construction shortly after earning that degree, and it blew up from there.

You knew despite being a tough guy, he didn’t like horror movies.

You knew his favorite whiskey was Lagavulin⏤ neat.

The one thing you didn’t know was if he was married or not.

“I am going to suggest something,” Nima began, “And I want you to listen before you call me crazy.” You shot her confused look and she continued on. “I have this cousin.” You groaned and Nima chastised you to listen. It seemed like she had a cousin available for every situation that arose, and half the people she called cousin weren’t even technically related to her by blood. Anytime you asked her about it all she’d say was ‘Korean moms’ love to talk’, as if that clarified anything for you. “Seriously. He’s dating a private eye. With one text, we can get some answers.”

You shook your head, “Nima, that’s insane.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, hiring a private investigator is insane.” 

“Look, it’ll get us reliable answers.” Nima argued. “The truth.”

You rolled the idea around in your head. It was literally the epitome of paranoid absurdity, but you were wondering if that’s the point you were at. Would it be better to find out this way? That way when you finally did confront Joel you wouldn’t be blind sided by the answer. Hell, if the answer turned out to be ‘no, he isn’t married’ then you can chalk up the last few days as time wasted and move on with your life. That being said, it did seem like an invasion of Joel’s privacy. 

“That feels…” You paused, “Illegal?”

“It’s not illegal to hire a PI.” Nima countered then tilted her head. “I think. I’m not a lawyer, but people do it on TV all the time, right?”

“Well, that logic is foolproof.” 

“I’m not gonna do it if you tell me you don’t want to do it.” Nima said firmly. She crossed her arms and gave a small little shrug. “But you have to do something. Either this or just call him right now and tell him the two of you need to talk.” There was a protective sincerity in her eyes that felt like a security blanket being settled on your shoulders. “I don’t want to see you get more attached to this guy just to be hurt. I don’t want him to lie to you.”

You knew Nima only had your best interests in mind. Technically, Joel had given you no reason not to trust him. Half the time you thought on this topic you convinced yourself you were overreacting and being a pathetic, paranoid mess. Yo-yo, as nice and fun as she had been, was a virtual stranger to you. Her word shouldn’t trump Joel’s. You knew all of that, and you wanted to trust him. However, it felt like some broken part of you was looking for something to be wrong. Joel Miller was too good to be true. Why would someone like him be interested in someone like you? There had to be something else going on. According to your ex, you hadn’t even been worthy of him and Joel Miller was ten times the man he was. 

“Okay, do it.” You blurted and hated yourself for doing so.

Nima held your gaze for a second, but you pushed to stand and crossed her office to her private bathroom. You took one of the paper towels, dampening it, and set it on the back of your neck in a poor attempt to ground yourself. For a while longer, you just stood there in front of the sink. Not staring at yourself, but staring forward at a singular spot as your thoughts raced. You needed a positive thought. Just one would do, and you were prepared to drag it out of your thick skull kicking and screaming if necessary. 

“Everything is going to be okay.” You mumbled to yourself softly. 

The whispered words did nothing for your anxiety. However, the memory of him did. You found comfort looking back at the soft moments spent with Joel and let yourself fall down that rabbit hole. The temporary peace was nice, but it didn't last. Finding strength you didn’t know you had today, you splashed your face one more time and then left the bathroom.

Your eyes immediately landed on Nima who stared back with wide eyes. Nima spoke first, “What?”

“What?” You repeated. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Oh, I thought you said something.” Nima flipped her phone over and settled her hand on top of it. You glanced from her face to her phone and back again. A look of misery flickered across her features. You tilted your head in question. “Are you hungry? I’m hungry.”

“Nima.” You crossed the room quickly. “Did they already text back??”

“No. Yes. Maybe?” Nima shook her head. “Not exactly.”

“Nima.”

She twisted her lips and drummed her nails against the plastic case of her phone. You shot her another look and she blew out a sigh. “He sent me a response, but it’s like half an answer. Half a report. We should wait until he can⏤”

“What did he say?”

“Apparently, he’s working on a case for someone else right now and had a database right in front of him so all he had to do was type in⏤”

“Nima, please.” You blurted. It felt like your heart was caught in your throat. You couldn’t breathe and you didn't feel coherent enough to string together a thought. Her hesitance was an answer in and of itself. You rubbed your throat, your other arm wrapping around your torso in a poor attempt to hold yourself together, and gasped. “Just say it.”

“He’s married, babe.” Nima mumbled. You knew the words had been coming, but they still overwhelmed you. The air left your lungs as if someone had gut punched you and you fell back into the seat in front of her desk. “He said he’d send me the certificate when he could, but he has to finish this job first. I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I⏤”

Nima stopped herself from speaking as she came around her desk and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. You sat in her embrace for as long as your shattering mind could endure and then shook your head, “I need a drink. Drinks. Plural.”

“It’s three in the afternoon, babe.” Nima mumbled in concern. You shot her a dry look and she offered you a tight lipped smile. “Drinks it is! Let’s go. We can go back to my place and⏤”

“No.” You pushed to stand. “I wanna go out.”

“Oh… kay. Where?”

“Anywhere.” You turned and began to leave.

Nima was scrambling to gather her belongings into her strawberry shaped purse before rushing out after you. “Just one drink though. I hate being the voice of reason, but we should limit ourselves to one drink.”

One drink turned into two which turned into three which turned into twelve.

By 6 PM, you were borderline wasted. It was by no means the best decision you’ve ever made, but you couldn’t classify it as your worst considering that, for the first time since leaving Vegas, you didn’t feel sad or defeated. No, those blue emotions had turned into a burning shade of red. You had finally found your anger and all it took was copious amounts of alcohol. 

“I mean, married?” You scoffed as you stood at the bar with Nima at your side. “That’s⏤ That’s illegal.” Nima nodded in agreement as she blindly tried to find the straw in her drink with her tongue. You reached out and pushed it toward her lips. “And worse than illegal! It’s fucking rude.”

“So rude.” Nima slurped at the last of her drink and all you could hear was the rattling of ice in her glass. She pulled away to slam the cup down and pointed at you⏤ her pink hair had been let down from the braid to messily rest around her shoulders. “You should get a new sugar daddy!” You stuck your tongue out in disgust and shook your head. “No! This is such a good idea.” Nima began to look around the bar. “Let’s find you a super hot, super not married sugar daddy.”

“I don’t want a new sugar daddy. I want another drink.” You leaned on the bar and waited for the bartender to look your way. Nima and you had bounced to a few bars. The two of you, back when you were sober, decided to start drinking in an area that had multiple bars all within walking distance. The one you were in now wasn’t familiar to you⏤ it wasn’t a place you and Nima had been to before. It was a bit too upscale for your liking. Sober you would not have been a fan. Drunk you? Loving it.

Nima was tapping on your shoulder rapidly and when you looked her way she was pointing across the bar to God knows who. “He looks like he wouldn’t marry someone without your permission.”

“That’s,” You shook your head, “not my situation.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I don’t know.” You shook your head and looked back toward the bartender who was busy with a group of women further down the bar. The sound of vibrating vaguely filled the air and you leaned closer to Nima who immediately wrapped her arms around you in a hug. “You’re vibrating.”

“You’re vibrating.”

You found her purse and opened it so you could rifle through it. It dawned on you then that somewhere around bar two and drink five you had shoved your phone in her purse for safe keeping. When you finally managed to pull it out, Joel’s face was flashing on the screen and you yelped in surprise. You tossed the phone onto the bar and held your face between your hands.

“Oh, no. Oh, no, no.” You shook your head and the vibration stopped. Joel’s picture disappeared and was replaced with a notification of a missed call that joined the notification telling you that you had unread messages. Your eyes snapped to Nima who was trying to drink out of her empty cup again. “Joel.”

“Bastard man.” Nima edited.

“Dinner.” You grimaced. “At 7. I’m supposed to get dinner with Joel at 7. It’s 6:35.”

Nima shook her head and crunched the ice she had shoveled into her mouth, “Bastard man can go to dinner with his wife tonight.”

 You grimaced, “I hate all the words you just used.”

The bartender began to wander over and Nima turned to order more drinks. You picked up your phone and leaned against the bartop with your elbow. With a frown and furrowed brow, you opened your text messages. Every unread text was from Joel unsurprisingly. The first came in at 4:29 and it was a simple, ‘Hey sugar, I’m excited to see you tonight’. The next was almost exactly an hour later and it said, ‘Hope your day’s been alright. We still on for tonight?’. Finally, the most recent at 6:15, was just your name with a question mark.

You set the phone back down before the temptation to reply could overcome you. It only sat on the bartop for a second before it began to vibrate violently as another call came in. Joel’s face filled the screen and you felt a wave of sadness drag you under. The fact that you were mourning the lack of his presence to this degree was probably a sign you were doing this ‘sugar baby’ thing very wrong.

“Maybe I should answer it.” You voiced the thought aloud.

Nima caught it and gasped before slapping her hand on top of the still buzzing phone, “No, ma’am! You will not be doing that.” The bartender set two new drinks between the two of you. Nima pushed one in front of you and moved the straw to point directly at you. “Drink.”

You took a sip then spoke, “I don’t even know the whole story⏤” Nima pushed your face back to the straw so you took another long sip. “Maybe it’s a misunderstanding…” This time your lips found their way to the straw on their own accord and you took a sip that could be argued as dangerously long. “I need to talk to him. Confront him. Demand answers.”

“Yes. To all of that. Eventually.” Nima replied with a nod. She reached forward and bopped you on the nose with her finger. “But not tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know one thing in life,” Nima held up the one finger she used to bop your nose, “You do not have serious conversations while drunk.”

You shook your head with a pout, “I thought you said you don’t like being the voice of reason.”

“If it means helping you, I’ll always lean toward reason, babe.” 

The two of you went back to drinking. Your vibrating phone stopped and a few seconds passed before a notification for a voicemail popped up. You turned to Nima, “Can I listen to it? That’s not talking. That’s listening.”

Nima chewed on her straw slowly before bobbing her head in an affirmative nod, “I shall allow it.”

You picked up the phone to listen to the message he left you.

‘Hey, sugar.’ Joel’s voice rumbled over the line and you felt your chest physically ache at the sound. You closed your eyes in annoyance with yourself. If you hadn’t fallen so hard, so fast for this man you wouldn’t be in this scenario to begin with. ‘Gotta say I’m a little worried. Haven’t heard from ya all day. Gimme a call when ya get this.’

You groaned and set your head down on the bar. Guilt gnawed at you. It felt childish of you to be ghosting him like this, and that wasn’t your typical go to move. You had enough respect for the people in your life to address them when needed rather than hide behind voicemail. With the guilt was a swirling vortex of anger. You were angry at Joel for not being up front with you. You were angry at Yo-Yo for being the one to plant the initial doubt that started all this. You were angry at yourself most of all. Angry that you felt guilt at all, angry that you had foolishly placed so much trust in a man you barely knew, angry that despite everything there was still a part of you that craved his presence. You missed his touch and his voice. You missed those burning brown eyes and the way his very glance could melt you into a puddle.

“You okay, babe?” Nima’s voice asked softly. You shook your head without lifting it. “I’m sorry. I can break his knee caps if you want?”

“What?” You lifted your gaze.

“What?” She replied innocently. 

The phone began to vibrate again startling you. He had just called so you didn’t expect him to call again, but then again you were supposed to be in your apartment waiting for him to pick you up for dinner. You pictured him standing at your door dressed up and holding a bouquet of flowers. Nausea rolled over you in waves, and you grabbed your mixed drink thinking it could cure your troubles.

A few minutes passed before another voicemail was left. You snatched your phone up and shoved it back into Nima’s purse so it would be out of your line of sight⏤ not even bothering to listen to the second voicemail. Tomorrow, you decided. Tomorrow you would confront Joel and have this difficult conversation. You both finished the drinks in front of you as the lively bar continued to thrive around you.

“Why is he married?” You asked suddenly. Nima must have known it wasn’t a question you expected an actual answer to as she stayed silent. You rested your face in your hands and sighed. With your eyes closed against your hands like this you began to feel dizzy. A sure sign that you should stop drinking. Nima rubbed your back soothingly and you dropped your hands to shoot her an appreciative glance. “You’re the best best friend a girl could ask for.”

“I know, babe. And you know what else I know?” Nima squished your cheeks together with a wide grin, “You deserve the universe in a gold hand basket, and any man who can’t see that or who would play games with your big, loving heart doesn’t deserve you.”

You laughed and Nima chuckled herself before letting go of your face to pick up her empty glass. Her tongue struggled to find the straw but once it did she tried to take a big gulp only to get drops and air. Nima pulled away from her straw and furrowed her brow, “Who finished my drink?”

With another laugh, you raised your hand to order two more drinks. At this point you’ve already had so much to drink, what would one more hurt? You knew the hangover tomorrow was going to be a bad one, but a part of you was looking forward to it. There would be no mourning Joel tomorrow if your head hurt too much to even think his name. 

Nima successfully managed to distract you again as she drunkenly delved into a story you weren’t quite following, but you enjoyed the way she told it. A low whistle interrupted the moment of peace the two of you had found. You glanced past Nima to see two men in business suits wandering over. Nothing about them stood out to you. One was brunet and the other blond, but they both looked like they never grew out of the frat lifestyle on a college campus.

“We saw you two pretty ladies from over there and wanted to come and offer you our company.” The blond greeted smugly.

Nima turned in her seat to face him and waved her hand at him while taking a long sip of her drink until the ice rattled in the glass. Then she pulled the straw out of her mouth to finally speak with a shake of her head, “Sorry, we don’t speak english.”

“You just said that in English.” The blond chuckled.

“Sorry, sorry.” Nima waved her hand once more. “I don’t understand your accent.”

You snickered under your breath while chewing on your straw. The brunet stepped forward to stand side by side with the other and shook his head, “No need to be a bitch. We just wanted to talk.”

“Oh, you haven’t even begun to see bitchy yet.” Nima pointed her glass in their direction⏤ a bit of ice sloshing out with the exaggerated movement. “I can show you bitchy.” She reached back to swat at your arm. “Tell them, babe.”

“She can.” You nodded in agreement.

The blond set a hand on his friend’s shoulder and tugged him back, “Let’s just go, man.”

The brunet reluctantly let himself get dragged away, but he continued to stare at you and Nima the entire time. Nima spun in her seat and scoffed, “Where was I before I was interrupted by douchebag one and douchebag two?”

“I’m not gonna lie,” You shrugged, “I have no idea.”

“I’ll pick a place then.” Nima said and jumped into the middle of her story. “So, there I was covered head to toe in honey.”

Same as before, you really couldn’t keep track of her tale but it amused you all the same. The two of you chatted for another minute or two before a new face came across the two of you again. Nima had bounced in her seat, excited, and it knocked her strawberry shaped purse to the floor. Your phone clattered out. Before you could climb off the bar stool to grab it, a man passing knelt down and scooped it up. In one tanned hand he grabbed the purse and in the other your phone. The phone’s screen lit up and you swallowed at the sight of the multiple missed messages all from the same person. 

“Oh.” The man cleared his throat and straightened his stance. He was handsome with a kind face. Dark hair, a bit on the longer side, was messily pushed back and it matched the scruff on his upper lip and chin. The man wore a pink button up shirt, all the buttons undone, over a white t-shirt. “I suppose this is yours, miss?”

You begun to reach out, “Thanks⏤”

“Hold it!” Nima pointed at the man making his dark, brown eyes widen. “State your intentions, sir!”

“To…return your purse?” He lifted up the strawberry bag.

Nima narrowed her eyes at him and snatched it away, “Likely story.”

“Thank you.” You reached out and he handed the phone over to you. A glance down revealed four missed calls, two unheard voicemails, and five texts. You winced at the sight and set your phone face down on the bar. You were surprised to see the man still standing by your stools. “You…” You narrowed your eyes at him. “You look familiar. Have we met before?”

He chuckled and shook his head, “Afraid not, ma’am.”

It was sitting on the tip of your tongue, but your foggy brain just couldn’t quite grasp it. Nima snapped her fingers and pointed at him. “I got it. He’s that guy.” You lifted an eyebrow at her words and she nodded frantically. “Yeah, he’s that actor! You play in that one show with, like, the zombies or whatever, right?”

“Not at all.” He laughed with a shake of his head. “I ain’t no actor.”

“Well then, I’m out of guesses.” Nima grumbled. She tilted her head, looking him up and down once more, “You seem nice enough. Got a pretty face. You rich? You wanna be a sugar daddy? She’s in the market.”

You rolled your eyes, “Nima.”

“You’re in the market for a sugar daddy?” The man asked in shock. You could hardly blame the man for his confusion and disbelief. This was hardly a normal bar conversation. “Really?”

“No. She’s just drunk.”

“Irrelevant.” Nima argued.

You chuckled then introduced yourself and Nima. The man paused for a beat before nodding and offering you his hand. “Nice to meet you both. My name is Tommy.” It took a second to click, but once the name finally wormed its way through your mind your eyes widened. Tommy chuckled and answered your unspoken question, “Yeah. I am.”

Nima glanced between you two with a frown, “Hold on, I’m not following. You are what? You’ll be her new sugar daddy?”

“No way in hell.” Tommy grinned. “If I even thought 'bout it, my brother’d skin me alive.”

The look on Nima’s face stayed confused until you swallowed the lump in your throat and finally spoke, “It’s… Nima, this is Joel’s brother.”

Her face remained frozen before morphing into one of shock. She gasped, almost comically, and pointed at him. “Oh, fuck.” Her eyebrows furrowed into a glare. “You son of a bitch, your brother is a son of a bitch!”

Tommy didn’t pay her outburst any mind, but his eyes darted back to you. “I asked my brother to come out drinkin' with me tonight, but he said ‘no’ cause he had a date with you.” Tommy stuck his hands into his pockets. “Funny I’m findin' you here without him.”

“That’s because your brother is too busy with his wife to be with my girl!”

Tommy’s eyebrows furrowed in surprise and he glanced back to you, “He already told you about her?”

It was quite possibly the worst string of words you could have heard all day. Only in competition with Nima’s ‘He’s married, babe’. You felt nauseous and dizzy⏤ the breath stolen from you again. Nima was arguing with Tommy, you could hear her voice, but you couldn’t concretely understand a single word that was said. When you finally managed to get a handle on reality, you looked back to see things had fallen apart and more time than you realized had passed in your mental breakdown. 

The blond and brunet from earlier, in the suits, had come back and were somehow arguing with Tommy and Nima now. You suddenly began to regret the last two drinks you had. Maybe if you had gone with a couple glasses of water instead you’d be able to puzzle out exactly what was going on right now.

“Get the hell outta here. They ain’t interested.” Tommy snapped.

“Just curious as to why we weren’t good enough for these bitches and you were.” The brunet slurred his words. Tommy stood a step in front of Nima who had slid off her bar stool to stand in front of you with her hands on her hips. “What’s so special about you, bub?”

“Ugh. How about the two of you run off to the bathroom and jack each other off, huh? Then leave us the fuck alone.” Nima sneered.

“Shut your damn mouth!” 

The blond tried to push past Tommy toward Nima, but Tommy shoved him back immediately. He grabbed the guy by the collar. “You gonna charge at a woman like that? Fuckin' coward.” Tommy’s voice came out in a gravelly growl that reminded you so much of Joel that it was staggering. “You got a problem, you take it up with me.”

The next moment happened fast. The blond tried to swing out at Tommy so Tommy blocked it with his elbow before tackling the man to the ground. The brunet grabbed Nima and wrapped his arms around her. She howled in anger and squirmed in his arms trying to find purchase to hit him. The brunet spun so his back was to you and you slid off the stool. Without pause, without thought, you picked up your empty glass and smashed it to the back of the man’s head. He released Nima, crumpling to the ground with a groan, and any shred of a fight stopped⏤as did the entire bar.

Tommy was kneeling on the ground pinning the blond while Nima stood off to the side.

“Oh my God.” Nima squealed, amused.

“Oh my God.” Tommy blurted, impressed.

“Oh my God.” You gasped, shocked at your own action.

You were panting, damn near hyperventilating, as the brunet began to rise on shaky limbs. Other patrons nearby converged on the scene to help out and before you knew it you were being ushered off to the side where a few couches and seats sat in a lounge area. 

“You’re such a badass.” Nima gushed from beside you. "How’s your hand??”

“Hurts.” You mumbled and stared down at the white cloth wrapped around your hand. Bright red was beginning to seep through. The consequences of smashing glass against the back of someone’s skull. Police had shown up and you knew Tommy was across the room talking to them. But still, your eyes stayed glued on your hand. The cuts weren’t terrible but they stung something awful.

“Babe?” You finally looked up and met Nima’s concerned eyes. She nodded, “You alright?”

You shot her a small smile, “Yeah. Are you okay? I can’t believe he grabbed you.”

“I’m fine.” Nima peeked at your hand then stood. “I’m gonna see if this bar has a real first aid kit we can use. Be right back.”

She jumped up and jogged over to the bar. You sunk in your seat with a sigh and leaned your head against the back of the couch. There had been something very sobering about smashing the glass against that guy’s head. The adrenaline and pain cleared any lingering fog from your previous drinks right out of your head. It left room for you to think about Joel. Meeting his brother certainly didn’t help. Tommy clapped one of the officer’s on the shoulder with a smile and they went separate ways. You lifted your head when you heard his footsteps draw near.

“Well, I spoke to the police.” Tommy stuck his hands into his pockets. “You’re not gonna get in trouble for the, you know, the glass. Won’t have to go downtown with ‘em.” You breathed a sigh of relief. Tommy held your gaze for a few more seconds before scrunching his nose and bobbing his head toward you. “And Joel is, uh, on his way.”

You covered your face with your good hand and groaned, “Can I please just be arrested instead?”

“Sorry, no can do.” Tommy sat down beside you. “You know, I didn’t say it earlier, but it’s nice to finally meet you. Joel never shuts up about you.”

“Please. Don’t.” You blurted. “I can’t… I can’t talk about him right now.”

Tommy nodded, “Right. I, uh, when I called him we didn’t talk much.” He laced his fingers together and rested his arms on his knees. “I mentioned you were hurt and things kind of spiraled from there. That’s probably for the best though. I don’t wanna get in between a lover’s quarrel⏤”

“I’m not his lover.” You snapped, and you hated the way your voice cracked. You shook your head, “Not if he’s married. Not…” The adrenaline was beginning to wear off and you were exhausted to your very bones. “This is so fucked up. I never should've agreed to…

Tommy didn’t immediately reply. He sighed, “I don’t know you, and I don’t got the exact details of what’s going on right now, but… I’m glad you agreed.” He turned and met your gaze with a tight smile. “Joel’s been… He’s been better. Joel was in a rut for a long time. So long that I kind of forgot he was in one. For a while, that was just Joel.” Tommy’s smile grew as he chuckled. “But ever since the two of you met, it’s like this weight has been lifted from his shoulders. We’ve all noticed it, and we’re all thankful.”

  “He’s married.” You whispered. “And he didn’t tell me.”

Tommy rubbed the back of his neck, “I know, but it’s⏤ it’s not that simple.” He nervously chewed on his lower lip. “Can you just give him a chance to explain?” You flexed your hand and sucked in a sharp breath as pain lanced up your arm. “Consider it a favor for me.”

“A favor for you?” You snorted.

“Yeah. I kept you out of prison, remember?” Tommy joked.

You cracked a smile and Tommy’s smile widened in victory. Nima skipped back over and dropped into the seat on your other side. She pulled your hand into her lap and carefully unpeeled the cloth away. As Nima rewrapped your hand while Tommy criticized her technique and the two bickered over you. You couldn’t help but flex your hand when she finished.

“Come on, pinkie.” Tommy stood. “I’ll take you home.”

“Uh, I am not leaving my girl here alone.”

“Joel will be here soon.”

“Then I’m definitely not leaving her alone!”

You reached out to squeeze her wrist and gave her a reassuring nod, “I’ll be okay. Gotta talk to him eventually, right?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t have to be right now.” Nima argued. You pulled her into a hug to reassure her once again. Maybe this was a bad idea, but you had just smashed a glass against a guy’s head so the degree of your bad ideas couldn't possibly get worse. Nima sighed and stood up too. “Okay. You’re sure you’re fine?”

Tommy clapped his hands. “Joel’s a few minutes away. But we can stay until he gets here if you want.”

“No.” You shook your head. The thought of being alone for a minute was kind of nice. “You guys go.” Your eyes locked onto Nima. “If you’re okay with him driving you.” You glanced at Tommy. “No offense.”

He held his hands up in surrender and shrugged nonchalantly. Nima nodded, “We survived a bar brawl together. We’re bonded.” She grinned and pulled her strawberry purse around her shoulders. “Plus, worse comes to worse, I can stab him.”

“You can what now?” Tommy questioned.

“You’ve already offered me a ride. It’s too late to back out now.”

“Fine, pinkie.” Tommy waved her to follow. 

You watched them go and sunk in your seat. The sounds of the bar was decent background noise, but it wasn’t enough to drown out the noise in your head. You picked at the edges of the gauze wrapped around your hand. Your eyes felt heavy and if you weren’t careful you were going to pass out on this bar couch surrounded by strangers. It was the sound of a crash that startled you back into the moment, and when you looked up from your hand you realized the door had been thrown open hard enough to hit the wall. Joel stood in the doorway panicked and wild eyed. He wore a suit without the tie and his shirt was unbuttoned at the top.

You stayed silent, sinking further into your seat, and watched as Joel’s wide eyes scanned the room. His gaze finally landed on you, doing a double take, and when he realized where you were you saw his shoulders slump in relief. Joel jogged across the room until he was able to kneel down in front of you. Joel’s warm hands found your face, cupping it softly, as he sighed, “Sugar, what the hell is goin' on? Are you okay?” Joel’s eyes studied your face then glanced down at your hand. “Jesus, your hand. Tommy called me. Sugar, I⏤”

“I’m okay.” You whispered, throat growing tight, “I just wanna go home, Joel.”

Joel tensed and he nodded, “Yeah. Alright. Let’s get you home.”

The ride in the truck beside Joel may have been the most awkward and tense ride of your entire life. It was silent. The only sound coming from the road outside. Joel’s hands were white knuckled around the steering wheel. You assumed his tension had something to do with you ghosting him this evening. His truck pulled up outside your apartment complex and your alcohol soaked brain realized not only did you not have your keys but you also no longer had your phone. Both were sitting in Nima’s purse right now.

You opened the door fully prepared to sleep outside your apartment on the welcome mat like a lost dog, but Joel grasped you by the arm cautiously to hold you in place. “You got your key?” You twisted your lips knowing he wasn’t going to fall for a lie. “Where is your key?”

“With Nima.” You mumbled. “She has my phone too.”

Joel sighed and let go of you to instead grab the truck door and shut it. He buckled you back into the seat and began to drive once more. You wanted to ask where he was taking you, but none of the words would come out. You drowned in your indecision while picking at the bandage on your hand. Joel suddenly reached over and lightly pushed your hand away from the injury.

“Stop pickin' at it, sugar.”

“Where are we going?” You blurted.

Joel shifted in his seat, “My place.”

“I don’t wanna go to your place.” You mumbled.

“Don’t care.” Joel replied gruffly and you lifted your head to glare at his side profile. 

The tone of his voice stirred something inside you, and you felt the dormant anger start to reawaken. It had gotten buried under everything that happened, but now it was back full fledged. You sat up, “Take me back. I want to go home.”

“You don’t have your key.”

“I don’t care.” You snapped. “Take me home, Joel!”

“You’re comin' to my place where I know you can safely sleep it off, 'nd then tomorrow we’ll figure out how to get ya back into your apartment. Understood?”

You scoffed, “Don’t talk down to me. I’m not a child, Joel.”

“Oh, you’re not?” Joel scoffed. His tone was angry and frustrated. “Cause you’re sure as hell actin' like one.” He shot a glare in your direction before focusing back on the road. “Are you outta your goddamn mind?! Do you know how worried I was?” You crossed your arms and stared out the passenger window. “I don’ hear from you all day long. You disappear on me with no explanation 'nd then I get a call from my baby brother that you’ve been in a bar fight? And that you’re hurt?!” You stayed silent and Joel scoffed. “And now I get the silent treatment? Very mature.”

“You don’t want to argue with me on what’s mature, Joel.” You said, head whipping back to glare at him.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean??”

“You’re a hypocrite!”

“Excuse me?”

You scoffed, “It’s not very mature for a married man to pay a sugar baby for attention.” Joel hit the brakes and the seat belt caught you as the truck screeched to a stop. You glanced out the window to see his truck had reached a neighborhood and the streets were mostly void of other vehicles. When you turned back to Joel, you found him staring at you in a mix of shock and horror. You shook your head, “What was I, Joel? Some kind of midlife crisis?”

Pain could be seen through the horror, and he reached out to grab your wrist again. “No. No, that’s not…” Joel’s voice was hoarse and broken. He whispered your name. “Please. That’s not what this is.”

You tugged your arm away from his grip. “I don’t wanna talk about this right now, Joel. Either start driving again or I’m gonna get out.”

Joel kept his hands to himself as he slowly went back to driving. As if the awkward silence hadn’t been painful before it was downright agonizing now. You were pressing your thumb into the wounds of your palm just to try and keep from crying. Joel pulled into the driveway a few minutes later, and you couldn’t even get your brain to collect a single feature of the house in front of you. Joel jumped out of the truck and you stayed frozen. The passenger door opened but Joel didn’t move to pull you out. He held the top of the door frame and a foot rested on the running board so he could lean in just marginally.

“Sugar…”

“Don’t, Joel.” You said firmly. “Don’t.”

“Please just let me⏤”

“Are you married?”

Joel’s face crumpled in agony and he hung his head, “It’s… It’s not that simple. Just let me⏤”

“It’s a yes or no question.” You shrugged and tried to ignore the tears welling up in your eyes.

Joel looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. His eyes were squeezed shut, but he still refused to answer. You whispered his name. Finally, he lifted his gaze back to you and opened his mouth. His jaw hung open silently for a second before he could speak. “...Yes.”

You felt the tears lingering at the waterline drip down your cheeks and hastily began to wipe them away with your hands. Joel gasped and began to reach out but when you flinched he held back. He shook his head, “You’re bleedin'.”

The bandage around your hand was soaked with blood, probably from digging your thumb into the wounds, and when you felt your cheek with your fingertips they came back tinted red. You must have smeared it across your face. 

“Sugar, let me… let me take you inside.” Joel murmured. “Please. I know you’re… upset, 'nd you have every reason to hate me right now, but… just let me get you inside.” His hand reached out for you once more, but he stopped himself. “You can leave in the mornin', but for tonight just⏤ just let me take care of you. Please.”

You gave a small nod. It felt weak of you, but you reassured yourself that you had little to no other option. Your hand hurt, your head ached, you were exhausted to your very being, and deep down you were torn between wanting to yell and scream or curl into a ball and cry. Joel took a few steps back to allow you to climb down yourself, but when you wavered his arms shot out to try and steady you. Joel herded you toward the front door without actually touching you. 

Your eyebrows furrowed when you studied his front porch. The entire front of his house didn’t look like the typical rich LA style you were accustomed to seeing. In fact, his porch and front door reminded you of a quaint farmhouse. Joel unlocked his front door and held it open for you to walk in. Right inside the house, the foyer had an open style with a set of stairs pressed against the wall just up ahead. It opened straight into a large living room that evolved into a dining room with a matching open kitchen to the side. The entire back wall by the kitchen and dining area was made of glass but the back porch lights were off so you couldn’t see the view. 

Joel tossed his keys into a bowl sitting on an accent table against the wall right by the door. You glanced over to a little bench built into the wall on the other side beneath a set of bay windows. The rest of his furniture from what you could see was modern and plain. You were drunk off alcohol and misery, but your brain was still able to take the time to note that Joel’s furniture didn’t match what you imagined him to have.

“C’mon.” Joel motioned you up the stairs. He followed after you and when you reached the top of the stairs he pointed to the left. You stepped into the master bedroom and Joel slid in past you moving straight toward the master bath. While he rooted around for something, you glanced around his room. There was a king sized bed sitting in the middle of the room covered in dark green sheets. A window sat on either side of the bed. The wall to the right was where the bathroom door and the closet door sat, but on the left was a single loveseat pushed against the wall. All the furniture was dark brown including the large dresser against the wall by the door and the smaller bedside drawers on either side of the bed under the windows. You drifted toward one of the bedside drawers where a photo was propped up. It was of Joel and two young girls. Joel had shown you enough pictures of Sarah and Ellie for you to recognize them, but in this photo all three of them were significantly younger. 

The sound of a throat clearing made you look up to see Joel standing there with a first aid kit in hand. “Sit down for me?” You sat on the side of the bed and Joel sat beside you. He opened the kit then carefully unwrapped your hand. When he saw the three lines haphazardly cut into your palm he let out a soft hiss. “You hurtin' much?”

“It stings some.” You mumbled. He hummed in response and used an alcohol swab to clean up the cuts. Joel did so with soft touches and his eyes flickered to your features every second or so to check in on your status. You locked your jaw to bite back any sounds of pain that tried to slip out. 

“They look bad, but I don’ think they’ll need stitches.” Joel thought out loud. 

“Good.” You said. Joel grabbed some fresh gauze and began to wrap it around your hand. You studied his features as he focused so intently on the task at hand. His warm gaze was burned into your skin as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. You had the urge to trace your fingers through the scruff along his jawline. When he finished, he lifted his gaze and his eyes locked with yours. The two of you stared at one another in tense silence. Pain and longing filled his brown eyes, and you wondered if it could somehow just be a reflection of your own. It made no sense for you to both be so miserable right now. “Where is she?”

Joel tensed, “What?”

“Where is your wife?” You asked more firmly. 

“Are you sure you wanna get into this tonight?”

“I just want answers, Joel.” You sighed. “I need something. My mind has been a mess since we left Vegas.” Joel’s face crumpled as he closed his eyes with a sigh. “Yo-yo told me I wasn’t your first sugar baby and then she said you were married to your first sugar baby.” The words were falling out like pouring water now. “And then Nima has a cousin who has a cousin who has a friend or something that was able to find your marriage certificate⏤”

Joel murmured your name in reverence and opened his eyes. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you from the start. That way there’d be no miscommunication or confusion. I meant to. But… I kept puttin' it off 'nd it got to the point where too much time had passed…” Joel hesitantly reached out for you and when you didn’t shy away he settled his hand on your arm. “I did have a sugar baby before you. It’s a… long story, but I am not married to her.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed, “You didn’t marry her?”

“No. Absolutely not. She was… Like I said, it’s a long story.” Joel squeezed your arm. “One that I promise to tell you. In the mornin', when you’re not half drunk 'nd half hungover all at once.”

“Then who the hell are you married to, Joel?”

“I… I am technically still married to Celina.” Joel finally spat the words out. You shook your head in confusion. The name was foreign to you, but Joel heaved another sigh and added, “Sarah’s mom.”

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@weddingfairy @bfences @jasminedragon @biwitchy @huffle-punk @shelbyteller @anoverwhelmingdin @aheadfullofsteverogers @stagerightlauren @basicoccult @boofy1998 @farintonorth @thepascalofus @amatis-gray @casa-boiardi @northernbluess @jettia @sapphicsoie @spidey-3 @hrtsforpascal @gingersince97 @sentients17 @bigboiseason123 @lunxramour @ktheunready @heyheyheygaypay @keepingupwiththeskywalkers @adoringanakin @come-hell-or-eldren-fire @cherriebat @whitewolfstar01 @alyssa121611 @asreadbyaj @painfullyandprettypoetic @cantobightcafe @str84pedro

[previous][next]

✨J.M. Masterlist✨

[kurosstuff]

HIII I was the one who requested the Lute fic and I absolutely loved it!!! I was wondering if I could request again, this time could it be a Carmilla x Reader, where she ( and her daughters ) gets redeemed and when they get to heaven they find reader who is Carmilla’s spouse ( GN! Or Male reader please ) and they realize that reader doesn’t recognize them because those who go to heaven don’t remember those who went to hell, just a lot of angst hehe

( again if you aren’t comfy doing this it’s alr ^^ !! Thank you !! )

I've never written her before I hope I did her good?♡

Also! I do only write GN! or female reader(can't write male readers I'm sorry♡)

Also what's her daughters names? I looked ut up and I'm getting like a mix of answers so their names aren't stated csuse of it

But♡ hope you dont mind how angsty I made it with? A twist♡♡

Carmilla x reader: Heaven *cruel* rule.

Carmilla didn't see herself as a angel. She's a demon for fucks sake yet- the ones more deserving to be redeemed were her daughters. But they only entertained it if she would.

So like any good mother? She joined them. Not wanting her daughters to be left behind. Wanting to ensure their safety. She trusted Charlie enough but her trust doesn't include.. the odd bunch she allowed to be helpers to the sinners on the path to be "winners"

She truly thought the dream was just that. A dream. Nothing more then just a childish wish Charlie had but here she was in heaven. Her girls in the rightful place- smiling she glanced down at her gold ring.

Maybe she'll see you- her love once again? In the only rightful place you should be in.

Heaven

She smiled at the thought.

Carmilla fidgeted something felt.. off today as she walked around heaven. Her daughters are not long behind her, holding her dress in nerves. Humming seemed they also felt the same. "My daughters~ don't worry were safe now, ok?" Her new bright wings fidgeting still uncomfortable at the new feeling looking up she froze - seeing the angel - her love - the spouse she had in the living world before she was stripped away from them in death. A bright smile came onto her face seeing you- healthy- happy.

-

Turns out Heaven? Does have rules

Alot

Humming going through a book of rules Carmilla was so close to just giving *up* trying to find another angel was JUST as difficult with all the rules added to it. How there's a wait list but.

No one under Carmine other then her and her daughters were anywhere was there stated of another person. Frowning closing the book. Sighing, she stood up, stopping to smile at one of her daughter

"Did.. you find them, mother?" Smiling sadly, she walked to her, holding her hands out, pulling her into her arms. Her wings automatically curling around her daughter as a cocoon as if? To protect her

"Not yet, my daughter.. but I will"

-

"Mama- is that-" her eldest asked, whispering out watching her parent. The one she and her sister sobbed for years seeing them not with in the afterlife. But seeing you in heaven? She couldn't help but be glad you were in such a safe place.

As if sensing someone looking, you turned seeing the three newcomers moving to walk up to them to the strangers

"There you are my lo-"

"hi~ I'm glad you made it in heaven~ what's your names? I'm sure there's helper angels for new angels~" you cut off Carmilla accidentally pulling out a almost scroll looking thing "sorry I'm well aware in hell some technology is more advanced and all but~ in heaven some things like this? The council loves the old feel~" humming

Blinking, she tilted her head now. Confused? Why weren't you throwing yourself in her arms? Not calling her your love? Your wife? Bile reached the back of her throat and now an unnerving feeling. That something? Is very, very wrong here

"Do you not know me?"

That made you stop looking up at her, slowly tilting your head in thought, "..no I'm sorry, I don't believe we ever met~" before she or her daughters could ask more a voice called out- making a huge smile appear on your face the same one you used to give her- her blood ran cold.

A beautiful woman stepped out of a house holding what looked like a child. Blinking, she watched as she walked to you, kissing you gently happily humming. She finally realized. The lack of a ring on your finger- well you did have a gold band. But not your band. Not the one you wore during your marriage. Not the one that matches hers.

"I'm sorry, my friends~ My wife needs me for a moment~" Do you need any more help?" After handing her the letter with the angels name to help her and her daughters - gently wrapping her arms around them, pulling them close, sensing how upset they were rightfully so.

"..m-may I ask what the little ones' name is?" Voice breaking, making you smile, grinning looking over at her "her names Carmilla~ I don't know why, but.. the name felt very important~" Purring out kissing the child's head gently making her close her eyes nodding

Turning she guided her daughters away from her lover- her now ex lover. Not stopping until they all reached their new home. Pulling them close sobbing along with them "did they abandon us?" In her tearfully state she didn't know who asked bur she was quick to shut that idea down kissing her daughters heads

"No, no- they'd never - not in a million centuries... heaven.. heaven makes angels forget demons. It's a cruel thing.. that I forgot about - im- I'm so sorry. " Holding them closer, sobbing loudly with them until they passed out from exhaustion looking out the window tearfully sorrowful. Like the day she lost you- she lost you permanently.

She couldn't WOULDN'T tell you. It'd be wrong. Even though she wishes to kiss you. Have you in her arms once more. She wouldn't do that to you. Or your wife. Especially with your child. Its none of your faults for the law of heaven and hell. But - she couldn't help but think. If she wasn't such a horrid woman in the living. Didn't get her daughters involved? Would she have gone to Heaven with you?

Would that child be hers?

It was a cruel, sick thought she quickly took away. Looking down disgusted with herself. She sighed

"I hope your.. happy my love" she whsipering rubbing the band on her finger. She needed time. Then she'll finally take it off. Closing her eyes she sighed.

Love is.. painful.

[muddy-water-1997]

𝖠𝗀𝖾𝗇𝖼𝗒 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝖡𝖾𝗇𝖾𝖿𝗂𝗍𝗌

𝖳𝖶: 𝖠𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗍. 𝖳𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒, 𝗒/𝗇, 𝖨 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗒𝗈𝗎. 𝖫𝖾𝗍 𝗂𝗍 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝗎𝗍. (𝖲𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗍𝗅𝖾, 𝗐𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖾𝗋𝖾𝖽)

Chapter 14 - Just A Moment Of Weakness

A moment of weakness. That's what you keep telling yourself, repeatedly, like a mantra. Six men, seven moments of weakness. All within two days. This is redeemable, you convince yourself. It has to be.

Balancing your future career prospects and these insane extracurricular activities—these spontaneous, reckless decisions—has to be possible. Right? Why shouldn't you be able to have your cake and eat it, too? Others manage to juggle their responsibilities and desires. Maybe not in quite the same manner with the same type of people, but the principle remains. Why should you be any different?

However, doubt creeps in the quiet moments back in your locked hotel room. Questions you’ve been trying to bury under IN’s words of comfort resurface, gnawing at the edges of your conscience. What if you're fooling yourself? What if this can't be balanced?

You shake off the thoughts, pushing them back into the recesses of your mind. This was just a phase, a slight detour. It had to be. You’ve always been good at compartmentalizing, at keeping the different parts of your life neatly separated. Why should this be any different? Work is work, and the sex is… mind-blowing.

But deep down, you know that every moment of weakness has consequences. The thrill might be intoxicating, but it’s also fleeting. And with each passing encounter, the line between indulgence and recklessness grows thinner. Sex at a photo shoot? Surely, that crosses the line of professionalism.

You cling to your mantra, hoping it will anchor you. A moment of weakness. Just a moment. Seven moments. You tell yourself you'll find your way back to balance, back to the person you were before. You have to. You can’t lose this.

“The perfect working relationship,” IN had called it, satisfied both in work and your private endeavours. The words had sounded so promising, so achievable. Now, the phrase taunts you, a cruel reminder of the tightrope you’re trying to walk.

Your head feels heavy, thoughts whirling so fast that you fear you might collapse under the weight of it all. Each secret, each indiscretion, adds to the pressure building inside you. The NDA looms large in your mind, a barrier keeping you from confiding in anyone, from seeking the solace you desperately need. Breaking that stupid fucking NDA to speak to anyone about this is all you want.

But you can't. The consequences are too dire. So you keep it all inside, hoping the storm will pass, hoping you can maintain this precarious balance. You breathe deeply, trying to steady yourself. A moment of weakness, you repeat. Just a moment.

Nope. The internal monologue was getting too heavy. There is someone you can talk to, a group of people. The people that were directly responsible for this shitshow. This couldn’t wait any longer. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wooden doors flung open, crashing against the walls with a resounding bang that echoed through the room where the boys lounged, unwinding from the day's schedules. They were in the same positions you had found the first time, seemingly oblivious to the chaos. The force with which the doors hit the walls was a perfect auditory representation of the anger and frustration coursing through you.

How could they all be so relaxed? Sitting there like nothing was happening? All eight heads snapped in your direction at the sudden noise. A mixture of shock and concern flickered across their faces while Chris wore that infuriating, shit-eating grin. Lee Know and Han genuinely looked confused and quickly returned to their screens; you had no issue with that. Unsurprisingly, they were always lost in their world, oblivious to anything outside their little bubble.

You stood there, fuming, taking in the scene before you. Your heart pounded; each beat reminded you of the turmoil roiling within. The boys’ nonchalance only fueled your frustration. You clenched your fists, struggling to find words to convey the tempest inside you.

"Hey… y/n…" Felix's tentative voice pierced the heavy silence like a hesitant whisper in a cathedral, testing the waters before anyone else dared to put their foot in it and risk plummeting headfirst into your seething rage.

“Hey? HEY!?” Your response erupted from deep within, far louder than you intended, but the surging emotions within you drowned out any sense of restraint. Your voice reverberated off the walls, carrying the weight of your frustration and confusion. "Does someone, anyone, want to tell me what the fuck has been going on?"

The room fell into stunned silence, each occupant frozen in place, caught in the crossfire of your mounting fury. Eight pairs of eyes turned to each other, their expressions ranging from apprehension to outright bewilderment.

“Video games?” Seungmin's voice broke through the tension, pointing towards the screen on the wall in a feeble attempt to diffuse the escalating situation. His voice wavered under the weight of your glare, a feeble shield against the storm brewing within you. But your icy stare offered no reprieve, and he quickly recoiled, shrinking back under the intensity of your gaze.

“I mean, this isn’t quite what I meant when we spoke about moving forward today, beautiful,” IN's voice broke through the tense atmosphere, his tone as soothing as a cool breeze on a hot summer day. In an instant, you were transported back to the picnic bench earlier that day, his words in stark contrast to the chaos unfolding around you.

You wanted to surrender, to admit defeat in the face of the overwhelming force of eight men—well, six if you discounted the two lovers nestled in the corner. But the fire within you refused to be extinguished, refusing to let you simply sit down and accept the situation any longer.

“I bet it wasn’t,” you snapped “, but I can’t talk to anyone else because of this god-fucking-awful NDA, and right now, it’s you guys I have a problem with, and we’re fixing this, or I’m walking away from all of this,” you declared, your voice trembling with a mixture of anger and determination. You gestured wildly around the room, each movement punctuating your resolve. “The clothes, the perfume, the job, the sex, all of it. I’m out!”

Your declaration stirred a palpable interest among the group. Chris, Felix, and Changbin rose from their seats to meet you in your grounded stance by the door.

“Okay… okay, princess, let’s talk,” Chris's voice was calm and reassuring as he led you towards the sofa, his gentle touch guiding you to sit down. Hyunjin obliged, making room for you amidst the group, his expression a mix of concern and curiosity.

Sinking into the soft cushions, you felt the fire raging within you settle into a steady simmer. The initial burst of emotion ebbed away, leaving the ability to form a sentence. As you took a deep breath, you felt the tension in your shoulders ease, but the tremble in your hands remained steady. It took everything in you not to cry on the spot, but you were reluctant to show emotion.

“We might have been coming on a bit strong…” Felix’s voice was barely audible, a quiet admission to himself as he turned to Seungmin, directing him to fetch a blanket and a drink for you. Changbin had positioned himself on his knees before you, his hands moving in gentle, soothing circles on your thighs.

“You can speak to us, Bunny. We’re here,” Changbin's voice was a soft murmur, his words a comforting reassurance as he matched his tone with his actions.

“I was at your concert just a few days ago… and now we’re here, and you’re all here, and I can’t get a second of peace, and I can’t even speak to my friends about anything, and I’m exhausted, and I haven’t even looked over tomorrow's schedule,” you spilt out your thoughts in a torrent, the weight of your emotions pouring out with each word. Seungmin entered the room, offering you a drink and draping a warm blanket over your shoulders with a silent understanding.

“You’re overwhelmed?” IN’s question hung in the air, his intuition suggesting he had hit the nail on the head.

“No! I mean, yes? I don’t know. I love my work, I love this opportunity, I love the sex. I just… it’s a lot, you know?” Your words tumbled out in a jumble, tears threatening to spill from your eyes as the floodgates of pent-up emotions threatened to burst open. Hynjin reached for a tissue, handing it to you with a knowing look. 

“I don’t know, I just feel like an agency with benefits. If I had known my job would just be pleasing you professionally and privately, I would have just put you in touch with an escort.” Your voice cracked with frustration and hurt, and the words felt like shards of glass on your tongue.

Chris’s face was etched with pain, his eyes reflecting a deep sorrow. He hated seeing you like this. He missed the strong, independent woman he’d met in the foyer that lunchtime, who radiated confidence and determination.

“It’s not like that, y/n. Trust me, please. There’s so much more to it. Give us a chance to explain? We’ll organize a proper night out, hand your work over to the staff for an evening, and we’ll go out for dinner. Let us make it up to you?” His voice carried a note of desperation, almost pleading, as he tried to reach you through the haze of your discontent.

You looked around the room, seeing the earnest faces of the boys. Despite your anger and exhaustion, a small part of you wanted to believe them, to give them the chance they were asking for. The blanket on your shoulders and the drink in your hand were tangible reminders of their care, their desire to comfort you.

With a heavy sigh, you nodded slightly, your resolve softening just enough. “Alright, I’ll listen. But this can’t go on like this. I need more than just empty promises.”

Chris reached out, gently squeezing your hand. “Thank you, y/n. We’ll make this right, I promise.”

“Wait?” Minho finally spoke from the corner of the room.

“What sex?” Han questioned.

NEXT CHAPTER

𝖶𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾? 𝖳𝖾𝗅𝗅 𝗆𝖾! 𝖬𝗒 𝗂𝗇𝖻𝗈𝗑 𝗂𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗈𝗉𝖾𝗇, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖨 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗀𝗎𝗒𝗌! 

𝖶𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗃𝗈𝗂𝗇 𝗆𝗒 ��𝖺𝗀 𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍? 𝖣𝗋𝗈𝗉 𝗆𝖾 𝖺 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗈𝗋 𝖣𝖬!

[cultofdionysusnet]

⅃M - ɘdiꙅ qi|Ꮈ ɘʜƚ ᴎo u ɘɘꙄ

Imagine a world in which all your favorite tropes have been turned topsy turvy. Where once the bad boy only likes you is now the nice guy only hates you. You are confused but play along because everyone loves a good trope, right? Come play in our new event where everything is reversed and have a giggle while you do so.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Masterlist: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊First Submission by Jackie @mint-yooxgi: That Kids, Is How I Met Your Father (Seonghwa, Ateez) Prompt Chosen~ Accidentally kidnapping a mafia boss

Summary: You seem to have the most rotten luck when it comes to chatting up strangers... and asking them for help...

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Second Submission by Anya @anyamaris: Twisted Fate (Soobin, Txt) Prompt Chosen~ soulmates who are fated to kill each other

Summary: A character in your writing calls to you and you can't help but wish him into reality.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Third Submission by Daaeun @daddyfordaeddy: Do it like me (Hongjoong, Ateez) Prompt Chosen~ good guy/ bad girl

Summary: You want to have some fun with Hongjoong in the (almost) empty library

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Forth Submission by Jasper @starlitmark: What They Don't See (Seonghwa, Ateez) Prompt Chosen~ no one believes they're dating

Summary: Sooner or later, your friend will have to admit that you and Seonghwa are dating… most likely later, considering they still don’t believe you.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Fifth Submission by Holy @holybibly: Too Fucking Hot to Deal (Wooyoung, Ateez) Prompt Chosen~ too hot to cuddle

Summary: When the summer heat hits the city, all you want to do is lie around under the air conditioning and do nothing. But your step-brother's best friend is showing you a whole new way to beat the hell out of the heat. Too hot to cuddle, but great to fuck.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Sixth Submission by Topaz @sanjoongie: Grumpily Ever After (Hongjoong, Ateez) Prompt Chosen~ true hate's kiss

Summary: when you're cursed with the hanahaki curse, your only discourse is to search out King Jongho and to get a kiss from him to cure yourself. But when a certain master of spies sticks his nose in your business, life is suddenly a lot more harder

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Seventh Submission by Queenie @wooyoungqueen: True Hate Kiss (I.N, Stray Kids) Prompt Chose~ true hate's kiss

Summary: I.N popular boy in the academy everyone feared him but one night he was turned into a toad, due to a young witch practicing her magic  until Lee Know saw and picked up I.N finding out who turned him into a toad. A witch appeared saying only a hate kiss will break the curse. Not the kiss of love but a hate kiss of his mortal enemy. 

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Eighth Submission by Rie @pyeonghongrie Anything You Could Do, I Could Do Better (Ateez, Hongjoong) Prompt Chose~ Reverse Academic Rivals

Summary: You and your academic rival do what academic rivals do, trying to one-up each other in grades. But the thing is, both of you are teachers.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Ninth Submission by Orion @nebulousbrainsoup Romantically (Stray Kids, Jisung) Prompt Chose~ Impulse Marriage

Summary: After your most recent subpar date, you're ready to swear off dating altogether. So, it seems, is your roommate. When you throw out a half-joking suggestion, the afternoon takes a surprising turn for the better.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Tenth Submission by Bro @bro-atz what we do to boys who are on the run (Ateez, Mingi) Prompt Chose- accidentally kidnapping a mafia boss

Summary: you just so happened to kidnap the wrong man, and you chose the worst possible one to kidnap.

: 𓏲🐋 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖✩࿐࿔ 🌊Eleventh Submission by Sar @kpop-stories-21 Down In Flames (Ateez, Mingi) Prompt Chose- soulmates who are fated to kill each other

Summary: The wielders of Light and Dark magyk have been at war for countless years. Many skilled Mages on both sides have fallen to the ages-old conflict. But now, a cruel twist of fate could spell a terrible end for both sides.

[afreakingdork]

I’ve been curious about the paragraph in chapter 47 about Donnie’s past partners and the description of them being transactional. I guess I’m wondering what he meant by that? What were the other parties involved getting from the experience? What kinds of people were they? What was he looking for? And in what period of his life? Sorry to bombard you with questions btw 人(_ _*) I tend to take things very literal when reading, my initial interpretation was that these past partners were sex workers. That doesn’t sound right though..

Happy new year!!!

Not at all; not bombarding at all! Please, always send any and all questions! I can totally see how it's confusing so let me share the ongoing history!

I know Weak Spot Donnie's sexual history has been a sort of ongoing question that I originally dodged like dodgeballs because, in all honesty, it wasn't something I bothered to plan from the beginning like I planned everything else. Since reader's sexual history was going to be ambiguous (so they can be insertable ((lol))), I thought of leaving Donnie's that way too since we aren't defined by what partners we've had.

That being said, I did eventually give in and decide something only because I was given the right idea! Shout out to @purplish-hue for saying he would fuck for gain and @hijinxensues for playing mad ball trying to piece it together while I was frolicking in the flowers. Using the word transactional totally came from @some-guy-named-dominyk who casually said the banger:

picks up WS Donnie wow you are troumatised and see everything and everyone (including yourself) as transactional pieces because you we brought up in a world that was cruel and unforgiving whne you were a child, but now that you are an adult and you are in the presence of relative safety, you are more afraid of the safety rather than the pain

All of this is to say the following below the cut is what I decided!

Also someday I'm going to take all the drabbles and what not that I've canon stamped for Weak Spot and make a proper post for them!

Donnie's first time is related to a change in his line of production. So like I'm imagining old dude runs a mine for mystic crystals and he has a heart attack and the daughter (maybe a mujina?) steps into the role. Donnie has an ongoing deal with the old man, but the daughter is spoiled rotten ruthless and halts the flow. She won't be moved and she's got too much defense to take out, plus Don needs the crystals and doesn't wanna cut ties with the old man's business because it's such a pain and who wants to get into mining ops. Donnie looks into how he can manipulate her because she supposedly doesn't want anything. She obviously wants to put him in his place, but based on his upbringing (and that being out of the question) there is no one in this world that does not want. He finds out she's basically a pillow princess who loves sex. He does he research, the whole nine yards, he practices with the stroker to make sure he can last, he's EXTRA and then he confronts her and fucks the shit out of her. He doesn't let her cum and makes her agree to continue production before he lets her. She tries to get him back after that, but he refuses and now he's the one dangling the carrot. From that point on, he basically only used sex in that way, aka a means to an end. This would have taken place in his 20s when he needed materials but going back to the Hidden City was especially difficult for him.

[bluebunnyears-08]

Fucking Crying Over Here About Prime Again (Yes I have An Obsession With This Show, So What?)

Did anyone else notice a sort a cycle with Sonic and Nine, or what hopeless situation Nine is trapped in? I mean I didn't at first but thinking about it now it's becoming kinda obvious.

Let me start with the pattern part first. When Sonic and Nine had that brief moment of trust and friendship Sonic was sucked into the shard away from Nine, leaving the kit alone, confused, and most likely worried and no doubt hurt. When Sonic and Nine end up in the Grim and Sonic chooses to go and help the rebels, leaving Nine alone again, leaving him with the horrible feeling of rejection and loneliness one more. And finally when Sonic goes to look for Nine he unintentionally leaves Nine once again at the mercy of the council.

Now you might be thinking, so what are you saying? Well, did anyone else pick up on the fact that it wasn't just a moment of events, but it was the fact that Sonic leaves Nine in an even WORSE psychological state the more he unintentionally gets pushed away (either by the literally universe, or even Nine himself) and repeatably abandons Nine?

In the first moment of unintentional pain, Sonic gets sucked into the shard, Nine being concerned, confused, and no doubt conflicted, being left alone to ponder in his own worries and thoughts, even after he escapes the council. (Another thing is how he abandoned the rebels and Rusty to find a way to find Sonic, mostly due to his nihilistic and loner mindset, but a small sliver of it might've been due to Sonic disappearing without a teace. The only person who was EVER kind to him)

The second moment leaves Nine even worse, Sonic gently shutting down the Grim DID NOT take away the pain and probable gut punch Nine felt. Nine noticably doesn't yell or snap at Sonic (his noticable changes I'll mention in another post). In fact he seems to bitterly try to swallow that rejection. He pushed himself away from Sonic in that moment, obviously trying to protect himself from the pain, letting him go back and help the rebels, not forcing Sonic to stay (even thought he could've easily done so, he didn't, which again, I'll talk about his noticable character change in another post). Sonic leaves and Nine is left with his own thoughts, to gulp down on that emotional pain on his own.

The last time is when Sonic unintentionally leaves Nine to be captured. From the scenes we see, Nine isn't having the time of his life. He's tased relentlessly, having to dealt with the fact that the person he saw as his only friend rejected being together with him, AND left him when he needed his help on top of that. Not to mention listening to plans of murder.

Imagine: You're an eight year-old child who's been bullied and ostracized by everyone around you, being abused and neglected for something you never asked for, then after YEARS of pain, isolation, and loneliness, you find someone who tells you of another life you could had, someone who shows nothing but selfless concern and care for you, and that same person gets taken right in front of you, leaving you confused, hurt and alone again for what was stated to be WEEKS. Then you build a space ship so you can find him, finding a home for the both of you, when you finally see them again though they reject your idea of a perfect world. In your head: they reject you. You let them go, deeply hurt, but come back to help, only to be captured by tyrannical dictators, abandoned again by the only friend you had. You now have to deal with the undeniable fact of them rejecting you, being stuck with cruel but idiotic dictators who talk about KILLING someone you thought cared for you, and even when you manage to pursue them against it, they talk about draining them, about essentially torturing them to death. ALL OF THAT combined with the emotional trauma of a year long abuse, living in a crap sack world of cruelty and misery, being alone, hated, AND continuously blaming and hating yourself for years, AND the future mental toll of the revelation that it took someone from ANOTHER WORLD TO MAKE YOU FEEL LOVED AND SAFE, BUT IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE THEY SEE YOU AS SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE YOU COULD NEVER BE.

It REALLY makes wonder how Nine hasn't fucking SNAPPED.

But something tells me season two is going to get a lot worse for Nine. This series is about Sonic going through redemption to save the world, and Shadows eventual realization that communication takes using your words than using your fists, AND questions just how far a super genius child's mental state and psyche can last when our through isolation, horror, and depression.

But hold on, because I'm about to make this so much worse.

Which brings me to my second point of this post.

I can't remember who rn (mainly because I'm tired as fuck and writing this at 6 in the morning) but someone mentioned something that got me thinking; Nine's entire goal, his entire dream, his SUFFERING is beginning to seem all for nothing.

If the theory that Sonic collects the shards and boom worlds fixed is true, what did Nine suffer for? What did Nine fight for? What did Nine keep going for? All of that pain, that isolation, that psychological horror he experienced and will probably continue to experience, all of his efforts would be for nothing. His goals will never be fulfilled, Nine will never be able to truly win. He'll never be happy.

Either:

He'd just fade from existence and merely become another trait in someone he desperately wants the life of and refuses to be known as.

He'd get rejected by Sonic and would have to suffer this revelation. HARD.

He'd find some way to force Sonic to stay, but in a world where the hedgehog can never be truly happy in (Sonic values freedom above anything else, not to mention his considering of his friends as his home and his insatiable thirst for adventure). And given how Nine seems to want BOTH of them to be happy in the Grim (given his uses of 'we' and 'our'), it would still be for nothing, not to mention it most likely won't make Nine happy either from the sheer guilt or self hatred he'd be in.

He could prevent Sonic from getting sucked into any more shards or in the ShatteredSpace, but seeing how Shadow found a way to escape the void, it wouldn't last very long.

He could find a way to join Sonic in his world, but either reality would collapse and all of them will die or he'd have to live a life being seen as Tails's doppelganger and not a true person, not to mention to undeniable jealously and emotional torment he'd face seeing the fox's and hedgehogs unbreakable friendship.

He could betray Sonic and take over the multiverse, but he'd be hated even more than ever, seen as a monster, not to mention it would completely ignore and trample upon his goals of wanting to be happy. He'd still be fucking miserable.

He could join the Council, but same problem as the one above, only this time he's still trapped in New Yolk with a bunch of cruel dictators.

He could sacrifice himself, but he might never find peace in even that, knowing he's just a mere doppel in Sonic's eyes, knowing his efforts were futile, still rendering his actions to nothing.

No matter what you think of, Nine is still going to be miserable, dead, or reduced to a possible fate worse than death. Nine can't be happy. He can't ever win.

(Which makes my constant tag of #NineDeservesToWinNoMatterWhat pointless too, but I'm going to continue to stand by this. He deserves to win, he deserves happiness more than ANYONE.)

But it's truly depressing that Nine is a person that nobody, not even Sonic, can save. In fact, while Sonic can help and give Nine the unconditional love and support Nine definitely needs, hes inadvertently making Nine's mentality worse not just by abandonment, but by his views of Nine as a doppelganger of his best friend and not his own person, which would undoubtedly take a huge chunk of Nine's psyche, his inability to accept Nine (both as this being a part of Tails, and also due to Nine being a Tails in his eyes, again he still sees Tails), his rejection of Nine's Haven, and the WORST PART OF ALL: Giving a hope that Nine can never grasp.

Sonic gave him a hope of palm trees and beaches. A world of joy and love. A world with Chillidogs and the two of them together. Forever.

But Nine can't ever grasp it, he can only claw and scrape the edges of it, he can only stare at it and make useless prayers for it to come to life. For once, Sonic's hope, his kindness, his friendship, but these normally good things only made things even more painful, even more hopeless, to the person who needs it the most.

And that's fucking traumatizing to think about.

[volturiwolf]

Ker si en delček vzela s seboj - Bojan x fem!musician!reader - part 2

A/N: Sentences/words written in italics are in their native languages.

A/N 2: Not everything is accurate/according to what actually happened. Many things are made up, like this story.

A/N 3: This story and the way the characters play out have nothing to do with the real people. This is an imaginary story, in an imaginary world, with imaginary situations.

This series contains mature/adult content (use of drugs and alcohol, explicit material, swearing, etc).

I woke up in the morning, having no idea what time it was. My eyes felt so heavy I could barely open them, but I knew I had to eventually, because if I didn't, I'd quickly fall back asleep again.

So, I forced myself to open them, expecting to find a sleepy Bojan lying beside me. Though, when I did manage to fully open my eyes, I realized that Bojan was gone and I wasn't wearing my nightgown anymore. Or my underwear if I were honest.

I jumped off the bed, covering myself with the sheets, whisper-shouting "Bojan? Bojan?" around the room, hoping he was in the bathroom.

"Bojan's not here, (Y/N)."

I turned around to see Mini having a smoke on the balcony. She had changed clothes since last night. But how did she, if she slept over at Alex's?

"Bojan was never here, (Y/N). You were hallucinating."

What?

Mini pointed at the bottle of wine on top of my nightstand. "I got this bottle out of curiosity; to see what I'd do to me. I think I got my answer already."

I was still totally confused. Why wasn't Bojan here? What happened last night? What's in that wine? Why was I naked? 

I felt a liquid running down the back of my neck and back. I wasn't sweating that much. I patted my head. Was my hair wet?

I stumbled to grab the bottle and check around the label. Shit!

"Why does this wine have cannabis in it?"

"Because I wanted to try it out! Why did you open it?"

"I was tired and I wanted to take a sip. I didn't see what it was!"

"Really? You didn't notice the big skull in the front?"

"At that time, I thought it was just the aesthetic! I didn't think of it! Obviously!" 

"Okay, whatever, that doesn't matter right now. What matters is that, even in this state, you're clearly obsessed with Bojan, to the point where you self-destruct yourself. Again. I think it would be better for you AND the band if you stopped…whatever this is. This isn't you. Since when do you even drink so much?!" 

I took a look at the bottle in my hands. Over half of it was gone. I'd usually have a glass or two and feel dizzy, but half of this? How did I even make it out alive?

"We’re less than a month away from the Semi-Finals and we have to think of the competition. YOU have to think of the competition. You have to focus on the competition, not hoping for someone who gave you mixed signals once and nothing more after that. Okay, (Y/N)? I sound cruel; I know that, but this is important for all of us. So, try to forget him and whatever he’s doing.”

Mini did sound cruel like she always did, but once again, she made sense. We were here to compete in a music competition that was broadcasted to the whole world. We were given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to show our talent to the world; to show that Greek can be as successful a language as English or other languages in the competition. Thinking of Bojan, or anyone else for the matter, should and could wait. 

“Yeah. You’re right. I should focus on our goals.”

“I knew you’d see that. I don’t say that you shouldn’t be friends or whatever you are even supposed to be right now, but think that we don’t do this just for ourselves but for the whole country, our families, and friends. To give them something to be proud of.” Mini caressed my cheek, her eyes pinned on me, full of meaning, reminding me to forget about unrelated things and not fuck up, like we promised to ourselves. "And try to take care of yourself, okay? Don't do crazy shit anymore."

“Okay, Mini. I understood that in the first place.” She didn’t have to be mean about it by bringing up such seriousness when we were supposed to have fun, no matter the result.

“I’m going back to the boys before they start to worry even more. When you called us last night and started blurring things on your phone, we all got worried for you. I’ll go calm them down.” Mini kissed my cheek and left me with thoughts racing through my mind.

What even happened last night? I barely remember myself tasting the 'wine' Mini brought here. But the evidence didn't lie. The bottle was almost gone; no glass needed. 

I tried to trace my steps back to anything that could possibly remind me of last night. The room was a bit messy, but that was probably because I messed up everything around already. I quickly put on a bra, underwear, a t-shirt, and shorts that I grabbed from my suitcase, and took two aspirins from the shared suitcase, along with some water, before I went on to investigate.

At first glance, the bed sheets were messy - I slept in them, after all. Mini and I's shared suitcase was open and a few snacks were missing - just like in my hallucination. Though when I looked over at the couch, they weren't there. I found them, at some point, under the bed, by Mini's side; all open, all partially consumed. Snacks that I wouldn't normally eat.

I went over to the bathroom, where I supposedly called Mini. There was still water dripping down the shower door and walls, and a few used towels tossed on the floor. Some black details stood out from the pile of white towels. I was disgusted that I had to go through the used fabrics, but I was now pretty sure that I made this mess anyway.

Pulling out the foreign fabric from the pile, I felt like I was instantly hit by a brick wall. It was a pair of “SEIZE THE DAY” boxers, and I knew already that there were only 5 people - maybe more, but I for sure knew 5 people - who only wore those for promotion.

I felt numb and dizzy. Who was here and left with no underwear? Why did he take his underwear off in the first place? What have I done? And most importantly, with whom?

I tried to gather up my mind, trying to remember anything from last night, but the more I did, the more my head hurt. I let myself slide on the floor, still holding the underwear in my hand. It didn’t have an identifier whose underwear it could be, but it was the only clue that narrowed down my hotel room’s “intruder”.

Also, the fact that Kris and Nace had girlfriends, narrowed down the results to 3 people. And I still didn’t want to think that I may have done something with any of those three. It would be so awkward and bad if I ever got to look any of them in the eyes, which was inevitable since today was the pre-party.

I cursed myself for getting wasted a day before the pre-party when we should have been focused on getting well-rested and performing for the fans. As painful as it was, I had to clear out everything before I could even walk on stage.

I pulled myself up and embraced myself. Just to be sure, I searched again through the pile until I confirmed that that was where I also got naked when I found my own underwear and the nightgown I was missing. I sighed heavily, before washing my hands meticulously.

I grabbed my phone and then it hit me: I was talking to my friends last night. Maybe I should have looked at my phone first. I clicked on the messages first. I had sent a message to Alex at 01:13, saying nothing - it was basically Greek letters here and there, making no sense. But Alex only read the message two and a half hours later.

I scrolled through my texts, having sent messages to all my bandmates after I texted Alex, and got no response. Still, no response from them for at least 2 or 3 hours. I saw that, for some reason, I texted Bojan?! I pressed to see the conversation, and it was so embarrassing from the very start:

(Y/N): Γειά, Μπουποογαν. Τι κνς; Πς εσιδοδςξφω ; !23μξ

B: ???

(Y/N): *Μπόγιαν *κάνεις u no wut? I ain’t gon try

B: (Y/N)? Are you texting me?

(Y/N): Yeaaa! How d u no it was m?

B: I suppose because you texted in…Greek? And your name is literally at the top of my screen.

(Y/N): hihihi

B: Btw this is Jan, Bojan is taking a shower and he’s taking too long in the bathroom, as usual.

(Y/N): cm here then.

B: What?

(Y/N): Bojan’s tkng 2 long. cm here. i’m alone

B: To do what?

(Y/N): 2 tk a showr. i no mind. i hav e3tr towls

B: Hey, can I text you from my number? It’s 0038659…..

(Y/N): Sur!

The texts stopped there, so I switched to the conversation with Jan’s number on it.

J: Hey, (Y/N). Are you okay? Where are your bandmates?

(Y/N): Out. they lef me her. min left a bootle vine. it tast fun. will u cm ovwer?

J: Okay, I will. You need someone to take care of you. I guess I’ll have to for now. I’ll be there in 5’.

(Y/N): Ok, Janci. c u soun.

The texts stopped there, and now I knew who I’d have to talk to about all this mess. What was I even thinking when I told him to come over to shower? Who does that? Why am I so cringy?

Talking to Jan was now my number one priority. I saw myself in the mirror; I was presentable enough to go out of my room, despite the obvious tiredness I still felt. I grabbed a purse and threw my keys and my phone in, and I put Jan’s underwear in my shorts’ pocket, heading to the elevator. Normally, I’d take the stairs, but I didn’t trust my legs now to get me up two floors. I looked around, seeing if anyone was watching me before I stepped in.

Within a couple of minutes, I was standing in front of Jan’s door. It was either that or one of three in total. Joker Out were spread among three different rooms, just like we were because the organizers preferred us to sleep in proper beds rather than couches.

I knocked on the door, waiting for someone to open up. After a minute, I knocked again, still waiting for an answer. The door opened, and a rather sleepy and upset Nace opened up. His hair was messy, but, thankfully, he was wearing pajamas.

“(Y/N)?” His voice was deeper than usual, and he sounded somewhat surprised or irritated, I couldn’t figure out which one. He was trying to rub sleep off of his eyes, but I was certain he’d rather be sleeping than talking to anyone right now.

“Hey, Nace, I’m sorry to bother you. Do you know where Jan’s room is? I needed to ask him something… About guitars.” The lie came out easily; of course, a guitarist would talk to another guitarist about guitars. Duh!

“Okay? He’s in room 507, down the hall.” He pointed towards my left side.

“Thank you.” I smiled at him, and he smiled a bit in response.

I waited until he shut his door to take a breath and embrace myself because shit was getting real and I still hadn’t decided what I was going to say to Jan. I walked down the hall until I found Jan’s door and knocked on it, a bit harsher than before.

I waited and waited, and knocked again. Either those guys were all passed out or they slept more heavily than even I did. The door opened, and while I was expecting to face Jan, I didn’t. Bojan opened up the door and he looked just as surprised as I was.

“Bojan?”

“Hey, (Y/N). Long time no see, right?” He laughed awkwardly.

“Yeah, it’s…been a while, right? Like a week? Less than a week?” I laughed back at him, also awkwardly. “I heard you got sick by the way. I’m so sorry. Do you feel any better now?”

He laughed but he was a bit more genuine than I was. “Yeah, I was a bit sick, but I’m better now, thank you for your worry. And I mean since we really saw each other. Back in Barcelona?”

“Oh, yeah. Things are going by so fast and you guys are growing so successful, and the interviews, and meet and greets, and everything, you know. And I met some of the girls that participate in the contest, and I thought it’d be good to connect with them too, you know?” I was trying to hide my nervousness, but my delirium did not help.

“Yeah, yeah. But I’d like to hang out again, whenever you feel like it, okay? I don’t want to intervene in your busy schedule, so just tell me when.” He laughed and my heart filled with the warmth of his charm. It was so easy to fall for the singer, and so hard to forget him.

“Don’t worry, if I ever find some time and want to hang out with anyone, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay.” His eyes were sparkling, and I had to remind myself why I was actually there.

“Right. Ehm, is Jan here? I needed to talk to him about guitars.”

“Guitars?” He raised one eyebrow as if he was trying to figure out both me and the real reason I was there.

“Yeah… I was actually looking for new guitars but I could not decide between a few models, so I needed some other guitarist’s expertise on it. And I figured out Jan knows his guitars and he could suggest something to me.”

“Oh, okay. I thought you knew more about guitars since you play better - and longer - than Jan, but don’t tell him I said that. I’ll never hear the end of it.” He put one finger on his lips to emphasize the ‘not telling Jan’ part.

“I would never tell him, I promise.” I raised my pinky and we made a ‘secret’ pact with our pinkies. “But I’m pretty indecisive about everything and anything. I really get stuck on the details and in the end, I have to use one of my old guitars. And I really have to buy a new one. That thing’s crying for help.”

Bojan let out a laugh, not taking his eyes off me yet. “Okay. I’ll leave you two alone to talk. I’ll go see Jure. Props to you if you manage to wake him up. He came back from your room really early today.” He winked at me and walked towards the path I came from.

I froze. How did Bojan know? Was it the texts on his phone? It was probably the texts on his phone! How much did he read? But he didn’t know what happened! Did Jan tell him anything? I didn’t even know what happened!

I felt my cheeks burning up from the embarrassment, but I remembered that I was still standing alone under the doorframe. I stepped into the hotel room and walked towards the beds where a sleepy Jan was lying, trying to avoid the small piles of clothes around the bed that were scattered all across the room. I approached his side.

He looked so peaceful and cute when he was sleeping. His lips looked full and puffy as they always were, and his hair was stuck around his face, but he looked like the most beautiful person I had ever seen at that very moment. He was also shirtless - I hoped he was just shirtless - and his chest was showing.

I couldn’t deny that I liked Jan - maybe, at first, not as much as Bojan, but my mind was reminding me of the subtle moments Jan and I were close all this time; during the pre-parties, or interviews, or when we would hang out all together.

I may have been focused on Bojan or on avoiding Bojan and thought that Jan was only a character in the background, but he was actually the quiet, discreet friend I needed. And apparently, the only one who immediately came to help me when I was at my lowest last night.

“Hey, Jan? Janči?” I whispered, trying to wake him up but not scare him. I shook him a bit - it didn’t work. I slid my hand through his hair. It was so soft, luscious, and shiny. And they were definitely still wet.

The feeling of caressing Jan’s head lit a memory in my mind of something that I either dreamed about or that actually happened, but I couldn’t remember exactly what, as the spark left as fast as it came. The sensation seemed to stir Jan a bit.

He mumbled a few things, but the only thing I could make out of his words was the sweet, yet deep “Bojči?” His voice was deeper and more coarse than usual, and it caused sensations all over my back, neck, and head.

“Hey, Jan, I’m not Bojan. Can you please wake up? I want to talk to you.”

He could barely open his eyes, but he seemed to recognize me quickly because he slipped away from my touch, trying to cover himself up. “(Y/N)? What are you doing here?” His eyes were popping out, and his hair was still sticking all over his face.

“Ehm, I don’t know where to start, so I’m just gonna give you this one back.” I reached out and grabbed Jan’s underwear from my pocket. It took him a few seconds to realize what it was, but when he did, he reached out to grab it with shaky hands.

“Is this my…?”

“I think so. You’re the one who came by my room last night, right?” 

Jan could not speak a word, but, by the way he seemed lost in thought, I assumed he either remembered something or was trying to remember something. “Yeah. Yeah. I came to your room. You…didn’t sound so well from the texts and I got worried. I came to check in on you. You opened the door, and you seemed really drunk. You…danced around? And you sang something in Greek? You offered me wine, I think.” Jan grabbed his head with both hands, and I assumed he had a terrible headache; the result of last night.

I grabbed a couple of aspirins that I knew I always left in my bag and the bottle of water standing on his nightstand. “Open up.” Jan opened his mouth and I popped the pills in and carefully gave him some water to swallow them down. “It will take a few minutes but you’ll soon feel a bit better.”

Jan looked at me. He was calmer now, his eyes shining, and whispered a ‘Hvala’. I smiled at him. The more I stared at him, the more fuzzy and warm inside I felt. I didn’t know if that was the result of last night or something I always felt for him deep inside.

I didn’t know what got inside me when I leaned to hug him tightly. Jan seemed taken aback but eventually hugged me back. He smelled like musk, but also baby powder, vanilla, and sandalwood; just like my hallucination Bojan did.

“What’s that for?”

“Because you were the only one who cared about me when I was at my lowest.” I let out a sob I was trying to hold in, and Jan hugged me tighter, one hand caressing me up and down my spine.

We stayed like that for a while. I didn’t want to let go of Jan. For some weird reason that I couldn’t explain, it felt like his hug brought immense meaning within it. In some weird way, it felt like I had someone who looked out for me; someone who cared; someone who wouldn’t like seeing me hurt.

It felt familiar and comforting in a way hugging a friend who you haven’t seen for a while and want to communicate all your feelings to felt like. It felt like a hug between friends who had been through a lot together, and only they could understand each other. In a sense, Jan and I had been going through this unique experience together, though at a bit of different pace, rhythm, and pressure.

But at the same time, it also felt like so much more than a simple hug between friends. Touching him made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside again, and not in a friendly or cute way. No one could deny that Jan oozed mystery, eroticism, and desire. Every single member of JO looked like a different Greek god, but Jan's mystified persona reminded me of a forbidden fruit that I suddenly and desperately wanted to bite into.

I pulled away from the hug with a sudden hunger for the man before me. His eyes were looking me up and down, just like mine were. The air around us was charged and heavy as neither of us made a move or said anything. I saw Jan gulp and his Adam’s apple bob up and down.

With my newly-found confidence driven by my desire for him, I leaned forward capturing Jan’s lips with mine, as my hands went up to capture his cheeks. Sparks of memories that had most definitely happened bombarded my brain, and I was now sure that Jan and I kissed last night.

In the shower we took together, naked; on our way out of the shower and towards the bed, after we attempted to dry ourselves off; lying on the bed, on our sides, before Jan pulled me on his lap to straddle him. 

For some reason, it seemed that, at some point, my brain went off of the effect of the tempered wine, and I knew I was with Jan in the shower, and not Bojan, as my delusional mind wanted me to think. And I was okay with that, as long as he was.

As a response, Jan wrapped his arms around my back, and pulled me impossibly close, so much so that I felt his growing erection, even under the relatively thick fabrics of my underwear, shorts, and bed sheets. I left an involuntary moan on the contact, and Jan took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. I slid my hands through his thick, dark brown hair, pulling slightly, eliciting a moan from him this time.

Hearing him moan was the sexiest sound I had ever heard. His deep voice was already driving me insane, but his deeper moans created another level of ecstasy for me. As my hands were gliding between the back of his neck and his shoulder blades, he slightly pulled away, only to lift my t-shirt off of me and throw it somewhere on the floor.

We went back to making out, but Jan took his chance to leave kisses all over my neck; my weak spot. Goosebumps filled my whole skin, as his lips moved expertly over my cold skin that was now burning up from pleasure and delight. I moaned loudly - open mouth and everything - and I felt Jan smile against my skin.

I had never been touched like that, and though I had experienced neck kisses and whatnot, none of my previous partners was such an expert as Jan apparently was. He was nibbling, biting, leaving open mouth kisses, and generally driving me insane. One of his hands was grabbing a handful of my hair, just like I did, and the other one unclasped my bra. I let out a surprise sound and Jan laughed in return before I finally removed my bra and went back to making out.

Our bodies were pressed against each other and I was already in heaven. Jan’s hands traveled to my shorts, trying to pull them down, exposing my underwear and ass. At that moment, I was certain what was going to happen between us and I was too willing and horny not to respond to his touch.

My shorts being halfway down already gave Jan easier access into my underwear, as he slid one hand in. He started rubbing and circling my clit lightly, making me stand still and forget about everything else. As he started applying a bit more pressure, I could feel my mind slowly numbing; the only thing I felt was pure pleasure building up, and the only thing I heard was my sharp breathing, as Jan worked his magic fingers on me. 

But I was also pretty sure that someone had cursed me or given me the eye, because just as my shorts were almost off, exposing the entirety of my underwear and my ass, the door clicked and opened, and Bojan and Jure’s heads popped from the side, now staring at Jan and me. Their expressions were something between shock, embarrassment, and horniness.

I froze, trying to cover myself up, but Jan opted to cover me with the bed sheets and expose himself to his friends, which…could have happened before? I wasn’t sure. He covered his dick with his hands as he walked off the bed, talking to his friends in Slovenian. I wondered what he was telling them because he was stuttering, and I had never heard him stutter this much before.

As Jan was trying to talk to them, Bojan looked at me with a look I couldn’t really decipher; I wanted to say it was a look of jealousy, regret, possessiveness, and lust, but I was probably delusional once again. Did I regret not telling him I liked him since the beginning? Definitely. But would I not have sex with Jan if we weren’t caught? Definitely not.

I liked Jan, just as I liked Bojan, but Jan took his chance when he was given one. Both times. Bojan never approached me like this. Would he if he was given the chance? I wouldn’t know. He treated me as a friend, and then he avoided me, so I avoided him. And then Käärijä came along, and I let them be because he seemed happier all of a sudden. So, I wouldn’t know how and what he felt, and I was too chickened out to ask him directly anyway.

Speaking of Bojan, he just nodded, still looking at me, and he finally left, along with Jure who was smirking wildly and winking at me. If I wasn’t blushing before, I definitely was now. Not only because we got caught but also because we may have become a spectacle for Joker Out to gossip and laugh about. I just wanted the earth to open in two and swallow me whole.

Jan closed the door behind them and turned around to look at me. He looked just as embarrassed as I was, mouth agape, cheeks flushed, and hair somehow messier than before.

“Maybe I should go?” I suggested, and he only nodded. I pointed/asked him to turn around, and he turned his back on me as I was gathering up my clothes and putting them back on. I couldn’t help but take a sneak peek of his ass. Nice.

I quickly got dressed and ready to leave. I was too embarrassed to tell Jan anything, but I didn’t want to leave us on a bad note. I only dared to step on my tiptoes and lightly kiss him on the cheek, before I finally left the room. I didn’t get all the answers I came here for, but I got more than enough, as well as the certainty that this wouldn’t be a one-time thing between Jan and me.

.*.·:·.☽✧✦✧☾.·:·.*.·:·.☽✧✦✧☾.·:·.*.

My head was killing me already, and we still had a long day to go. It was our first performance in the Netherlands, in front of - probably - the biggest crowd I had seen at a pre-party so far. Fans had been gathering outside for a few hours now, while all the performers were inside, practicing before the big show.

Thankfully, everything else, regarding the interviews and sound checks, was going smoothly, and the only thing that bothered me for now was waiting another 10 or so minutes until lunch. The organizers were generous through and through, providing us with dressing rooms, our own bathrooms, extra help for our “instruments”, and a long buffet full of different options, catering to pretty much every dietary need and allergy.

Out of everything, I truly appreciated good food, so when the time came, I ate like I had never eaten before. I didn't expect such good food from Northern Europeans, but everything was delicious. It was probably the first time I didn't care if anyone was watching, and I finally enjoyed food after a long time.

Some would say that sandwiches, tarts, wraps, salads, and side dishes couldn't be considered food; more like snacks. And I would tell them that when you hadn't eaten properly for a while, these "humble" snacks would be considered the best food you had ever had. I grabbed a few snacks here and there and walked towards my bandmates’ table.

“I see we eat.” Alex giggled from my right side. His plate was already full, and he had another one like that next to it.

“They have options! Of course, I’m gonna eat!” It was probably the first time there was such a wide variety of snacks for everyone; usually, there were 5 options max, not over 20.

I went back to eating, finally happy to enjoy food again. While the others started chatting about their night out, I kept quiet, eating and occasionally looking around. The tables’ area wasn’t too big or too small, but with over 40 tables around for the acts and technicians, the room was already crowded. Most performers were sitting at their tables, eating, while others went around to have some chat and fun.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to see who it was, still holding my sandwich because if I let it go, I wouldn’t guarantee Alex wouldn’t eat that as well. It was actually Teya and Salena, and I got so excited to see them that I actually let go of my sandwich.

“Hey, girlies!” We went for a group hug. “What are you up to?”

“So,” Salena started speaking, looking at Teya with a look they only understood, “we were thinking of playing a game between us, before the doors open and we have to take the stage. Would you like to join us?”

“What kind of game?”

“We were thinking of playing ‘Would you rather?’” Salena smiled widely.

“Are you sure about that? It can get pretty bad, pretty fast.”

“It will be just a few of us.”

“How few, Teya?”

“About 26.”

“26 are ‘a few’?!”

“Please, (Y/N)! Please, please, please!”

“I don’t know, guys.”

“Well, if only you come from your band, it will be 22, plus Alessandra and Brunette as the mediators, but we wanted to include as many people as possible.”

“Okay, I guess. I’ll come with you. Mainly because I like you too much to lose this opportunity to spend some time together and probably laugh at everyone.”

Teya and Salena cheered at that and squeezed me into another group hug. They were such nice and open people, honestly, and I couldn’t say no to whatever they asked me. I slipped away just for a second to tell my friends “I would go play with the other kids” and if they wanted to come. They laughed but refused to leave the table, saying that they may come by later.

I told them I’d see them in a bit, before I was dragged away by Teya and Salena, who, for some reason, were too excited for this whole ‘game’ we were going to play. I wondered what they had in their mind. Walking away from the table area, we walked towards the dressing rooms area where the others were already gathered. Jan smiled at me and I smiled back, feeling my heart fluttering.

“Okay, guys. Gather up. If we want to play this game right, we must explain the rules first.” Alessandra started. “We’ll ask a question and we’ll give you two options. If you choose option A, you’ll move towards me, to your left. If you choose option B, you’ll move towards Brunette’s side, to your right. Got it? Let’s start.”

We all walked in a line between the two girls, ready for the game to start. It seemed fun as a concept, but I was worried about the weird questions that were most likely to come.

“Okay, first question: Would you rather never be stuck in traffic again or never get another cold?’

That was so easy for me. My friends knew how much I hated getting sick, even if it was a small cold because I couldn’t stop complaining every time I got sick. And as for the traffic, there was no way you wouldn’t be stuck in traffic in Thessaloniki. One accident on the ring road around the city, and chaos was sure to ensue in the city.

A few chose never to get stuck in traffic, but I saw Bojan at my side, probably because of his latest experience which made him lose a couple of days before he could finally fly to Amsterdam. I laughed to myself.

“Would you rather travel the world for a year, all expenses paid, or have 40,000 euros to spend on whatever you want?”

This time I moved towards Alessandra’s side. It had always been a dream of mine to travel around the world, but the financial part was what prevented me. If I could travel, I’d travel the whole of Europe, and then the Americas, Oceania, Asia, and then Africa. If I could, I’d also love to travel to Antarctica, just for the experience. I saw that everyone had actually chosen the same thing.

“Would you rather be the only one drunk at a party or the only one sober?⁠”

Oh, that was a good one, but I knew already so I moved to Brunette’s side.

“Really, (Y/N)?” Jure called from the “only one drunk” side, smirking and laughing.

“Yeah. Alcohol gets to me quickly. I don’t look good drunk.”

I thought I heard Jan whispering “You do.” from nearby, also having chosen the “only one sober” side. I felt my cheeks burning slightly at Jan’s cute comment, and I tried to hide my involuntary smile, going back in the line.

“Okay. The next question is not really a ‘would you rather’, but I really like it: Cats or dogs?”

Also easy. Probably the easiest to answer, as I moved to Alessandra’s side, along with Jure, Jan, and Kris, out of the 22 of us.

“Really?!” Jure questioned me.

“Yeah! I love cats! I actually had a family cat. Well, my sister did, but we all took care of him.” The memory of our baby brought me instant sadness.

Jan noticed. “What happened to him?”

“It’s a really long story. But…he was hit by a car.” It was still difficult to think about it.

Jan didn’t say a word but caressed my knuckles in understanding. As a cat dad himself, I couldn’t even imagine the pain he’d feel if anything happened to his cat, Igor.

"I'll be honest. I'm actually surprised that you, Kris, chose cats. I thought of you as more of a dog person."

"Yeah, dogs are cool, but I really like cats. They're fun and relaxed. And also crazy and hyperactive, which is me in both cases." The tallest guy of all here laughed, and his face turned bright pink. The young one was adorable.

“So, no dogs then?” Bojan tried to put his two cents in the conversation.

“No, not really. I’m actually terrified of dogs. I’ve been chased…3 times before. Two of them I was really young. One was many years later. It was a tiny dog but still, I haven’t run faster in my life.” I laughed, as others joined me, and we walked back in line.

“I can help you with your fear if you would like.” Bojan whispered from behind me.

“I appreciate that, but there’s nothing and nobody to help me get over my phobia.” I whispered back at him, snorting.

“I can try.” I felt him smirking.

“We’ll see about that.” I turned my focus on Alessandra and Brunette, as Bojan caressed my back. His touch brought goosebumps all over my back and sides, but I refused to react in any way.

“Next question is triggering for Alessandra.” Brunette laughed, as she continued, “Would you rather eat pasta with ketchup or carrots with Nutella?”

“Are the carrots boiled, grilled, or raw?” Kris asked a reasonable question because I also had that same question.

“Let’s say raw.” Alessandra answered, with an eyebrow raised, waiting for people’s answers.

I moved to Alessandra’s side and she kept looking at me as I kept looking at her. It felt like a scene from ‘The Office’.

“Ma perché, (Y/N)? Perché?” Alessandra turned into a triggered Italian within seconds.

“‘Cause I’ve eaten pasta with ketchup before. It’s not that bad, though it is really sweet. But if you said boiled carrot, I’d probably try that. So…it’s really on you.” I was holding back my laughter as Ales was fighting to keep the Italian in her but chose to laugh instead, thankfully.

“Next question: Would you rather get rich in a way that upsets your family or just make enough money to live?”

That was a question that divided us. Almost half chose one side and the other half chose the other side.

“Does anyone want to elaborate on choosing option A?” Asked Brunette.

“Well, we already do something that upsets our family one way or another, so we might as well get rich out of it.” Jan stated the obvious.

“I second that. Balkan parents can disapprove of anything that’s not university-, teaching-, doctor-, or lawyer-related.” I replied, and others also seemed to agree with Jan and me.

“Well, it makes sense, I guess. I haven’t experienced that ‘disapproval’, honestly, so I wouldn't know.” Alessandra shrugged. Lucky you.

“Next question: Would you rather stay in or go out on a Friday night?”

Again, easy for me, as I walked over to Alessandra’s side. Only Jan followed me this time.

“Okay, party people.” I laughed at the 20 people who were standing across from me.

“Do you seriously prefer to stay in instead of going out, (Y/N)?” Salena questioned me, dancing around a bit.

“Yeah! The most I went out clubbing was when I was 16, and that was a long time ago. But seriously, I so much prefer staying in, watching Netflix, listening to music, coming up with lyrics or melodies, sleeping, or just lying down on the couch. But don’t target me! Jan chose the same thing!”

“Jan is a cat. He’s tired of everything, and prefers sleeping in.” Nace burst into laughter, and Bojan, Kris, and Jure followed suit.

“Jure is also a cat!” I pointed out the obvious.

“Yeah, but Jure is a crazy, orange cat. You can’t stop him when he starts going crazy.” Kris replied, in between laughs, and the JO boys started singing “And when the world got me going crazy”, like they usually did.

Yeah, Jure seemed nuts, but in a good way. He was good nuts. He probably was the impersonation of everyone’s impulsive thoughts put into one person. I loved that for him. He was everything I sometimes wished I was, but I still knew that I got bored of everything as quickly as I got interested in them.

“Okay, fair enough. But, side note, if you manage to convince me to go out, and I’m actually having a good time, you won’t be able to get me back home early. Just ask my bandmates.” I raised an eyebrow, smirking. It was true that I didn’t enjoy going out, but once I was mentally prepared to go out, nothing else mattered.

“We’ll note it down for the next time, then.” Jure smiled and winked at me, while Jan coughed next to me, to which the older blonde stopped smiling. I didn’t want to know what was going on between them, though I had a thought.

“Ehm…”, Alessandra interrupted whatever was going on, “...should I continue? The next questions are…a bit…sexual.” She pursed her lips, not knowing what to do.

There were a lot of enthusiastic “Yeah!”s, mostly from the guys, so Alessandra had no other option but to go on.

Alessandra shallowed before asking “Would you rather have a sex playlist with classical music on it or hardcore rock?”

I walked towards Brunette’s side, mostly because I didn’t enjoy classical music in any situation, and hardcore rock could, most likely, lead to hardcore situations - not that I had ever lived something like that, but a girl can only dream, right?

What surprised me was that there were a few people who chose classical music over hardcore rock, like Alika, Andrejs, Jeffery, Andrii, Mia, Mae, and even Salena, who I thought was an actual rocker. Other than that, I expected that Joker Out and Jere would choose the hardcore rock.

“Okay, the next question is worse, so I’m gonna have Brunette ask the questions from now on.”

Brunette laughed, until she saw the question, swallowing. “Ehm, okay this is awkward, I’m just gonna start with that. Would you rather have long, slow sex or a quickie?”

Oh, that was an embarrassingly interesting question to which I didn’t have a direct reply. Both were enjoyable, each one in their own nature and sense, under different circumstances and times, and each one required different prerequisites. I decided to remain neutral.

“(Y/N)? Will you pick a side?” Alessandra showed between both lines.

“I think I’ll remain neutral in this question, ‘cause I cannot choose both at the same time, right?”

“No, but is it even allowed? Can you remain neutral?”

The others started whispering around, not knowing if there were even rules for this game.

“Okay, let’s just say you can remain neutral if you cannot pick a side. Anyone else wants to switch after that?”

And suddenly, pretty much everyone moved between the two girls, not actually knowing definitively what to choose between the two options. I smirked because I was pretty sure nobody preferred either over the other; they each had their own magic and their different needs to fulfill, so, personally, I could never say one was better than the other.

“Okay, and last question because we don’t want to go out on the stage looking like that. Would you rather be kissed all day or teased all day?”

I took a minute to think well about it, before moving to Brunette’s side for the last time. Funny thing was that both Jan and Bojan chose the same thing as I did, and it really made me wonder how it would feel like to tease them all day long. Or be teased by them all day long. Fuck! Focus, (Y/N)! Though, thinking about it again, it didn’t seem right to ‘play’ with both of them like that, or them playing with me.

“I think we’re not gonna go with a follow-up question, just for the sake of our own sanity, okay? We learned a lot about each other already.” Alessandra looked like she was gonna have a meltdown, and I wanted to laugh looking at her, but it wasn’t appropriate.

I turned to look at Teya and Salena, and mouthed a “I told you it’d turn really bad, really quickly.” Both girls slightly blushed, but still laughed quietly. I guessed they seemed to like the whole thing that led us to open up at this level.

I took a look at my phone. We still had about 30 minutes to be done with lunch before the doors opened for the audience, and we had to go backstage to get ready. I thought I had enough time to grab something to eat, so I walked back to the table where my bandmates were still sitting, having eaten my food as well.

I gave Alex an unamused look because I was certain he was the one who ate my food, to which he just smiled and did a halo above his head. That bitch ate twice or thrice as much as the average person and was still fit. I wondered how he would actually look like if he didn’t spend so much time at the gym.

I rolled my eyes, walking toward the bathroom to look myself up and fix whatever needed to be fixed. In reality, I could spend hours looking at myself, staring at every imperfection and messing up with every single pimple or scar I saw.

I tried to keep myself from reopening wounds, but they always fascinated me too much not to scratch them. I liked the way my blood dripped on small streaks. I didn’t think of myself as ‘weird’ on that topic, until others pointed it out - that it was weird to scratch my healing wounds, just to see the blood dripping.

I tried extra hard to control myself, especially now that we were watched by the general public. I didn’t want people to think I was weird, but I couldn’t find any alternatives or solutions, and the more I kept looking at myself and the small bumps on the surface of my skin, the more I imagined some pimples here and there, and the more my hands were eating me to scratch and pinch my skin.

I needed to keep myself occupied before I dared touch my face. I needed a smoke. I walked out of the bathroom, looking for someone who I knew smoked a lot and pretty much everywhere and every time I saw him. I found him sitting at their table, eating and chatting with Kris.

“Hey, Jure? Can I ask you a favor?”

The blonde man turned around on his chair, swallowing down his food before answering. “Yeah, sure.”

“Do you have a cig to spare?”

He looked at me in slight disbelief. “Yeah. Let me check.” He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out half a pack of cigarettes. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I usually don’t. I haven’t smoked in a while, actually, but I need it right now.”

Jure passed me the pack and a purple lighter. “Take them if you want. I have more with me.”

“Are you sure? I just needed one.”

“Yeah, I am. One is never enough, (Y/N).” He smiled understandingly.

“Hvala, Jurček.” I put the pack and lighter in my pocket, so nobody could see, and smiled at my peer, who, though blonde and Slovene, was acting like a proper Greek, or, better yet, a true Balkan.

I walked towards the nearest exit, letting the cool air hit me. I was grateful for how cool the air was at times in Northern Europe. Back home, it was cool but still warmer than here. Here I would still need a jacket in a month or so, while t-shirts and sleeveless dresses would be the only things I could handle with Greece’s heat.

I leaned against the wall, taking a breath and trying to loose my thoughts. I looked around to make sure nobody was there, before pulling the pack from my pocket and taking a cigarette out. I lit it and took a puff, feeling the smoke filling my insides quickly. I coughed a bit, quite unused to smoking for a while. The more I puffed, the quicker my lungs remembered how it was when I smoked.

I usually didn’t drink alcohol or regular coffee; I usually didn’t smoke. But I seemed to have stepped over a few ‘rules’ of mine lately, so why not break more? I wondered when was the last time I smoked. I hadn’t smoked either since before Covid or for two years now; I wasn’t sure. But I know I did smoke shisha at some point during the last 2 or 3 years, and I had also picked up vaping at some point.

It didn’t matter anyway. The smoke was slowly obfuscating my mind enough to make me forget about my sudden worries or my habit and urge to ‘self-destruct’, as my friends called me picking on my skin, among other things.

I told Jure I would only smoke one cig, but he was right. One cig led to another one, as the smoke burned my tongue and made me dizzy enough to finally relax. I didn't even look up when the exit door near me opened, not caring if anyone saw me now. My bandmates knew me already, and I didn't care enough for anyone else's opinion.

"Hey, (Y/N), Kris told me I'd find you here." I would recognize that voice among a thousand others. Because that voice still made me weak on my knees.

"Yeah, I wanted to take a break. You?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh." I wouldn't expect him to talk to me, especially after our awkward encounter earlier that day. Being surrounded by others calmed the awkwardness, but the two of us alone?

"You shouldn't be smoking, you know." He looked at me sadly, but he also was clearly criticizing me.

"Bojan, I've seen you smoke as well. And you're your band's singer. Nothing will happen if I smoke." I took another drag of the cigarette before it was snatched and stomped on by Bojan's foot.

"Ei! Why are you trying to take charge? Go back inside! Your band will be looking for you." I reached into my pocket to grab another cigarette before Bojan grabbed them and threw them away.

"What are you doing? These weren't yours!"

"They weren't yours either. Why are you trying to hurt yourself?"

Why did he seem to know everything that was going on with me? "I'm not trying to hurt myself. Just…mind your own business, please." I didn't want to be mad at him, but I had no patience at all.

"I cannot watch you do that to yourself. You're too good and too innocent to smoke. Don't hurt yourself, please." Bojan's hand caressed my cheek lightly as his eyes half-closed, and my heart was about to burst out of my chest.

I didn't want to like him - I needed to forget him, so I could try with Jan, something which I wanted, but Bojan didn't seem to share the same intentions with me. Before I could even process a thought to blurt out, he leaned forward and pressed a light kiss on my lips.

Despite how small and soft that kiss was, it still made me feel heavenly. I didn't realize I had closed my eyes, and when I opened them, Bojan was still looking at me, smirking lightly, probably seeing how much he affected me.

"Don't play with me, Cvjetićanin. I'm not in the mood for games."

"I'm not, believe me. I like you. A lot. I have liked you since Barcelona. And I'm tired of trying to hide it just because I don't know how you feel about me. I want to know how you feel, (Y/N)."

It took me a minute to process a thought. "What if it's not what you want to hear?"

Bojan gulped deeply. "I'll respect your decision and I won't try to pursue you anymore. I'll move on and won't disturb you ever again if that's what you want. Or we can stay friends, or whatever you want."

I bit my tongue, trying to think of a way to let him down slowly, but I had to be honest, otherwise, everything would turn against me eventually.

"For everyone's sake, I'll tell you the truth. My truth. And frankly, I don't care what you or anyone else thinks at the end, okay?"

Bojan simply nodded, waiting for me to finally speak up.

"I have liked you since our tour around Barcelona. On the first night, at the lobby hotel, when we first met, I thought you were obnoxious and thought of yourself as above everyone else. But you're not. You're a good person and that's what attracted me to you. But you're also a serious flirt, and when I saw you with Mae, I lost it."

"You're talking? I lost it when I saw you on Alex's lap. I thought you guys were together and every chance I got to get to you was lost at that very moment."

"What are you talking about? Alex and I are just friends! That's what we do! We're so close to each other that it seems weird to an outsider but we've been in the same band for a decade. Aren't you, Kris, and Jan like this? You've known each other forever!"

"Well, yeah, but…"

"Don't assume situations, Bojan. Just because you see two people close to each other, doesn't mean they're together, or fucking, or whatever."

"But you assumed the same thing about me!"

"Yeah, because you were actively flirting with pretty much everyone. And I am tired of this behavior. I've been through it before, I don't want to relive it. So, I decided that I'm gonna protect myself first, and that's when I started avoiding you. And then, you were flirting with Noa, and I had seen your post about Noa, Bojči, so don't try to deny that you like her."

"I'm not, but I don't like her the way I like you. That post was way before I got to meet and know you. To be honest, I forgot about her the moment I saw you."

"And then, it was Käärijä, who I actually love and respect a lot, so when I saw you were genuinely happy when you were with him, it made me realize that I may have finally lost you, but at least you found someone who puts a genuine smile on your face, and who makes you forget all your worries."

"Jere is just a friend. Yeah, we like to play this 'will they/won't they' game, because for some reason it excites the fans, but I don't think of him like that, (Y/N). Not entirely, at least. I'm not against gay people, I'm an ally, but that's all we are. That's all we ever were."

"I'm an ally too, and part of the community actually, which was why my first thought was that you like him as more than a friend. And still, if you ever felt something more about him, you should let him know, before it’s too late. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Otherwise, you’ll end up confused and lost, and you won’t know what to do or say.”

“You are LGBTQ+?” Bojan was now looking at me with a lot of genuine curiosity, not weirdness or disgust.

“Yeah, I’m bi, actually.” It was probably the first time I was so casual about my sexuality with someone I didn’t know that well. Because, let’s be honest, despite the attraction and the hangouts, I didn’t actually know Bojan, and there were a lot of malicious people around, but my gut told me it would be okay to tell him.

“Oh, that’s nice. I’m happy for you. But, I still want to ask you. Forget about Mae, Noa, and Jere. Forget about Jan.” I took a deep, shaky breath in, upon hearing Jan’s name. “Would you have ever given me a chance to get together? Would you have given us a chance?”

“I would. Honestly. It would have taken some time to think about it, definitely, because I overthink everything, but I would. But you never showed me a sign that you actually liked me, and you flirted around; you didn’t try to hang out with me, and I don’t think I had talked to you face to face until this morning.”

“I saw you with Alex and I assumed things, but I could see after that that you were avoiding me and you were looking at me weirdly like you wanted to choke me or something.” Bojan laughed, but it was a somewhat pitiful laugh.

I laughed along. “It’s just my ‘resting bitch face’. Don’t think I wanted to kill you or something. But I did try to avoid you, so I wouldn’t have to deal with all those emotions and fall on my face when nothing worked out.”

“What about Jan? Do you like him?”

I moved my body back and forth, nodding my head. “I do. Jan was surprisingly always there, even if he was too quiet to notice him. He was subtle and likable. And after yesterday, it was too sudden and intense, and I realized I like him too.”

Bojan looked down at his feet. “I see. Did you sleep with him yesterday?”

“Not that I remember, no.” I did remember making out with him, but in my mind, I had no recollection of having sex with Jan.

“Would you? If we didn’t interrupt you?”

“Yes, I would. I was in the mood. Jan seemed to be in the mood. So, we would have.”

He chuckled at himself. “Would it be weird if I said I’m glad we interrupted you?”

“Honestly? It wouldn’t. That’s how you feel. I thought I caught something in your eyes at that time, but I didn’t want to assume or say anything.”

It felt hard to breathe as if the air had gotten so thick from awkwardness, it wasn’t even gas anymore. We stayed quiet, sometimes sneakily looking at each other, but still without saying a thing.

“(Y/N)?”, Bojan broke the silence first, “Would you like to go out with me? Tonight?”

“We can’t do tonight. We have to be in London tomorrow.”

“Then tomorrow? After the pre-party? Please?” Bojan looked at me with puppy eyes, as if he wasn’t already impossible to resist.

“Okay. Tomorrow. Pick something good, okay?” I teased.

His whole demeanor instantly changed, and a bright smile lit up his face. “Okay.” He moved closer and grabbed my face between his palms, smashing his lips with mine.

This kiss wasn’t as hesitant as before; this one was confident, self-asserting, almost smug. But it felt so good and it felt like I was finally awake, having forgotten my headaches and bad mood. Bojan was an amazing kisser - that was for sure. His kisses caused a feeling of euphoria to the point you thought you were drunk and you wanted more.

I slipped my arms around the back of his neck to pull him closer, having briefly forgotten about Jan or the actual pre-party that was about to start in one hour or so. I pulled away abruptly, and Bojan whined.

“The pre-party! We have to go! Get ready!”

“Okay, okay, don’t worry. We still have time.” Bojan hugged me tightly, moving us around, all smiley and happy now.

“Yeah, but we have to get our makeup done. Come on! Let’s go!” I slipped out of his embrace and grabbed his hand, dragging him inside, without him actually resisting at all.

For a moment, I felt so carefree. For a moment, I was happy.

[deathenfield]

So, I just saw Skinamarink...

And I have so many thoughts! I guess this is an analysis(?) of the film, but it's mainly just going to be me putting down several thoughts and ideas down I had as I mulled over the film:

This film feels extremely similar to a Junji Ito novel, which might be because Junji Ito pioneered his own brand of horror. There's this wonderful post by @cryptotheism that delves into the difference between Lovecraft's brand of horror and Ito's. Basically, In a lot of Ito's works, the horror comes from doing everything right, making all the right decisions, and still suffering an unimaginably cruel fate. The horror is that there is nothing to prevent the awful things happening to you, which is exactly what happens in Skinamarink. Hell, we even see the kids do everything right! The literal first things they do is try to find their dad, and when they can't they attempt to call (what I assume is) a friend of their dad's, and then the police. They leave the lights on in the house. They whisper so that whatever is in the house won't hear them. None of it matters. The only reason the Skinamarink even lets Kevin call the police or lets them have their TV is because none of it will help them.

It's a film about cruelty. I feel like the biggest reason it's so effective as a horror film is because it's happening to children. The empathetic part of you wants so desperately to reach out and save them because culturally (at least in American media) there's an absolutely huge no-no about harm happening to kids. Bad things rarely happen to kids in media, and when they do, the kids always get a happy ending. This is not the case. Kevin and Kaylee will be tortured for eternity by a malicious entity and nothing will save them. There's also the part in you that was once a child, that knows what it's like to be so utterly helpless in a scary and confusing world. So many people say this is a movie about abuse and, like, yeah. To have your house become an inescapable prison, to be subjected to the cruel whims of a powerful figure that can protect but chooses to use their power to subject unimaginable cruelty to you - that as a child you have no means of protecting yourself, or even comprehending, the horrors that are happening to you. This film acknowledges the terrifying helplessness of being a child and it's honestly kind of wonderful for that. Seeing the terror I felt as a child being put to film almost feels cathartic, like being seen. No wonder it resonates with so many people.

The Skinamarink letting them have their TV, letting Kaylee see her parents and having them tell her they love her, letting Kevin call the police and turning the phone into a toy halfway through. I'm just sort of struck by how cruel it is. Letting them have spots of hope purely just so it could take it away from them. Torturing them for years only because it finds the suffering of children funny. Props to the movie for creating a monster that sounds almost cartoonishly evil on paper and still managing to make it completely terrifying.

The Skinamarink, for an all-powerful malicious entity, is surprisingly child-like. When it wants to play with Kevin and he refuses, it makes him hurt himself, like it's tantruming. Whenever Kevin is confused or in pain, the entity just laughs and giggles. Is there a reason the Skinamarink specifically targets these children, because an adult in this situation would be way harder to torment? Perhaps, you could say, the Skinamarink is just a bully given god-like power, that preys on children because they are weak and helpless. I've seen more than one post talking about how they would defeat the Skinamarink and like, that's not the fucking point. Of course you could probably defeat it, you're an adult with rational thinking skills, that's why it targets children.

Kaylee, despite being only six and two years older than her brother, is forced to be the adult in this terrifying situation. Having to take care of her brother, find solutions to their problems, be the one to face the brunt of the terror on her own. I can only assume that one of the reasons that the Skinamarink sealed her mouth and eyes and took her away from Kevin is because she has more autonomy than Kevin, more ability to disobey the entity. It needs someone even more helpless than her to torture.

The two of them saying "I love you" to each other in the beginning. Aaauauguhghughughh.

Yeah that's it lol. I might think of more later but god damn, this movie a lot to think about.

[grub-talk]

Trying to reflect and do better; Not to look back-- is killing my poor heart.

I try to keep a strong face; say fuck you to the world! I don't need this! ... But nothing feels right. I don't want to make anymore decisions. I feel like no matter the choices I create; do; learn; I'm stuck. I know I am exhausting. I am exhausted , too, by being ME. I want to love, care and trust; but how can I strive for such an accomplishment when the life I live in is cruel and injust? I am confused. I am lost. Those tell me to self love and find respect to one self; but how? You are either selfish or selfless and all I ever have known is to comprehend. To try and find solutions to boundaries and figure out puzzles; I don't want to hurt anyone. It isn't fair. I'm so sad I can't STAND IT. Words tell me I have every right to feel the way I did; but I didn't think it was a right to begin with. I feel like I ruined my hands, my eyes, my body, my heart, and my mouth and mind. I don't have the right to be sad. Surely, its all in my head. It has to be; this cruel game is tiring. I don't like making decisions. The tells and thoughts speak as if I have to move on; but its scary. I miss the familiar. I miss them. I miss the one person I loved so dearly to me; theyre trying I know they are... But I just can't comprehend whats going on. Was it selfish? Was it selfish I put on this mask of anger because in that moment I wanted to cut the strings? To make it less painful? To find a distraction to this existing pain? Maybe I am selfish- because I wanted to feel nothing no more. Why do I have the capability to make these fucking choices; my mind is only ever been my enemy. I cannot fucking stand these nights, these days where I just stare at myself and think" You did this to yourself." " But its not my fault" " You're just talking." Maybe I talked too loud. Maybe that what scared them. It was for the better; Id like to think. BUT FUCK IT HURTS. IT HURTS SO BAD. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I WANT TO BE NORMAL AND HEALTHY; I WANT TO BE LOVED AND TO LOVE. I WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE I WANT TO CARE. I want to compromise, to communicate, to understand and embrace. I want to surround myself with trust; but everywhere I look I see a glimpse of danger and I have to flee. I'm scared. I miss them. I ponder too much and when I do it's them. I'm grieving, and wonder; if theyre okay. Maybe It is selfish of me to think and I cried so hard that my eyes feel just as heavy. I hate grief. I hate making decisions. I hate being so angry and sad; my poor heart ales me. I want to try; try to be better. But my world looks so sad; like a never ending field of white and you're not here with me. I want to wait for you.. But you said not to. I don't .. Think I can. Not now, maybe. I don't know.

[zephrunsimperium]

Two months ago, I watched Gravity Falls for the first time. (I'm a little late to the fandom, I know, but I'm here now, so all is well) After finishing it, like any GF fan, I desperately wanted more content, so I took to AO3 and it was there that I discovered a piece of writing that so enriched my life that I have no choice but to sing it (and @fordtato’s) praises. So here's what I wrote after finishing it; may it inspire you to read Jersey Boy. :) (I did post a bit of this essay as a comment on Chapter 13 of Jersey Boy)

3-4-23

Today, I read a piece of writing that changed my life. I always knew Gravity Falls - and Ford in particular - was something special, but I swear Jersey Boy took everything I wanted/needed and presented it in... literally the most beautiful, impactful writing I have ever seen. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Jersey Boy is about an 18 year old Jewish boy trying to find out who he is amidst the tragedy of his personal life - an abusive father, depressed mother, estranged brother, and peers who labeled him a freakish outcast - and the tempest of a cold society featuring homophobia, anti-semitism, and war. The Stanford Pines it features is THE most realistic, emotionally rich character I have ever come across in any form of media. Because I KNOW what it feels like to try and find who you are outside of your family and I KNOW the dangerous knife edge that perfectionism forces you to walk and I KNOW what it's like to be ashamed and confused by your sexuality.

And three months ago, had I walked into that boxing gym? I would have pulled the trigger too.

And McGucket, my god. If you would have told me after watching S1E2 of GF that Old Man McGucket would make me as emotional as he does now, well, I wouldn't have believed you.

Anxiety is an old friend, good pals with its partner anger. So I have all the empathy in the world for Fiddleford's loosely wired personality featured in the show and especially in Journal 3. While I don't think I have any reason to engineer a memory erasing gun, I do understand reaching for a fidget toy like it's a lifeline and oh BOY do I understand sacrificing everything for someone you love on a dime, letting them tear you apart.

I was worried after reading the first few chapters that Jersey Boy's depiction of Fiddleford had made him too charismatic and confident. But after reading further, it was obvious to me that Fiddleford was Ford's match in complexity; he was just being depicted through the lens Ford saw him; all rosy and angelic, incapable of wrong-doing. And in the end, it made him even MORE dear to me, because hiding your anxiety behind a wall of confident passion and blue eyeshadow (or red lipstick in my case) is all too familiar.

Pretty motifs, expert wordcraft. It's a gritty story, of course, one that doesn't pull punches. And yet, I have to assert that we need more stories like that. Because LIFE doesn't pull punches. Life is cold and cruel and strewn with glass shards...

But there will always be people with Ridiculously Warm hands that make you feel like you have five fingers. Even people with personality aren't fine sometimes, but you just have to keep going and the sun will rise and your shards will shimmer in the light.

And maybe being a freak isn't so bad after all

And maybe the only person who you aren't enough for every second of every day is yourself

And maybe Love really is the most powerful force on earth

And maybe humanity is fucking beautiful

And maybe the only people who need to remember you are the ones you care about because who needs a legacy anyway?

[momentsofhyuka]

decode (part 3)

summary:

Being a vampire could be kind of lonely. Considering how long you’ve lived for you were set on never finding love. That being said you really weren’t expecting to fall for the human embodiment of sunshine with the world's quietest thoughts.

or: the sort of Twilight!TXT AU no one asked for

part 1. part 2. part 3. part 4. decode masterlist

paring: huening kai x reader

word count: 3.6k

genre: twilight!AU, vampire AU, strangers to lovers, slight angst, misunderstandings

warnings: cursing, injury, car accident, vampires (and all related vampire lore)

notes: so sorry the new update took so long life has been a little crazy I hope u enjoy it :)

You knew it wouldn’t be as easy as letting Kai go to the local doctor by himself. 

“Well, you should go too. You’re probably hurt as well,” Kai called to you amidst the rush of people pulling him to the ambulance. A murmur of agreements rang through the crowd although no one else was brave enough to outright tell you or motion you towards the ambulance. 

“I’m fine really. I got pretty lucky. I’ll go just to be sure but my siblings can take me, no need for the ambulance,” you flippantly waved him off already beginning to walk towards your waiting (and angry) siblings before he could try and insist you get in the ambulance again. 

You needed to be far, far away from him right now.

Approaching the cars you noted how none of your siblings decided to comment just yet, but their thoughts were doing more than enough to let you know what a major fuck up you just allowed to happen. Dejected you walk towards one of the cars only to be stopped by Yeonjun, indicating that he would drive you. Alone. Everyone else was going to take the second

car. 

Of all of your siblings he was the “oldest” or first turned, which meant that for all his teasing and playfulness he was also just as serious and authoritative. He was definitely the wrong person to piss off but from what you could sense he was more disappointed than

anything. 

Somehow that hurt worse than his anger.

You briefly glanced back at your other siblings as you got into the car with Yeonjun, receiving a sympathetic smile from Beomgyu. At least someone seemed to be on your side right now. Not that you deserved it.

The car ride to the hospital was tense and awkward. You didn’t dare speak first, not even sure what to say. You wish you could say you truly regretted saving Kai, but then you remember the relief that flooded your body when you realized he was okay and you find you don’t regret anything. 

Weirdly enough you also trusted him. You knew deep down he was not going to tell anyone what had truly happened, he would let everyone believe that you were nearby as you claimed. He was curious about you sure. A little confused and upset? Definitely. He wasn’t cruel though. 

Tuning back into the drive you went rigid as Yeonjun finally began to speak. 

“Look, I know you like this guy and honestly it’s really good to see you interested in someone. I mean it. But, you need to be more careful. This was way too close of a call. I think out of all of us you are probably the most responsible and paranoid about someone discovering our secret, which makes this so surprising. I get why you did it I really do and i won’t scold you more than this when I know you are beating yourself up enough already but please, be smart in how you handle the aftermath,” he finished, tone grim but demeanor less intimidating than before.

If you could cry, you would be sobbing by now. He was right. You did know better but also you couldn’t just let Kai get hit. You simply nodded in response giving a soft thank you as you continued to try and gather your thoughts on this whole situation. 

The hospital was just how you remembered it. Cold, boring, practically empty. The only difference was this time there was actually an ambulance bringing someone over. You caught a glimpse of a very embarrassed Kai being wheeled in, likely insisting that he’s fine. Yeonjun gestured for you guys to head in and you followed after him, eyes never leaving Kai for as long as you could see him. You were so gone for him already. Fuck.

The head doctor was actually also a vampire, and an old friend of your family’s clan. He greeted you warmly as you walked in with Yeonjun in tow, but quickly returned to his professional demeanor to check on Kai. Knowing the doctor and having the towns patrons be incredibly intimidated by your family had some perks as you were able to follow Kai to the check up area without being stopped. This probably violated some sort of patient confidentiality rule but no one was going to tell you anything. 

You heard a little commotion and turned around to find the rest of your siblings had also come. You were surprised, assuming they would’ve just gone home. “How is he?” questioned Taehyun as soon as he was within human hearing range. You shrugged in response still working through the shock of seeing them here. This left you wondering if they cared about Kai too.

Speaking of, you briefly caught Kai’s eye and were surprised to see him looking at your family in confusion. You quickly diverted your gaze.

The doctor thoroughly checked over Kai and after ensuring there was no concussion, he allowed Kai to be released with the condition of getting “plenty of rest.” 

Just as he was standing up Kai suddenly blurted out, “Are you by any chance related to their family?” He motioned towards where you all were standing, and you felt Yeonjun tense immediately. 

You could tell the doctor was surprised someone had noticed the slight similarity vampires shared as a means of luring in prey, but he handled the question well insisting that he was an old friend of the family but nothing more. He also diverted back to Kai’s health, motioning him towards the receptionist as he shot you a questioning look. 

You walked back to the lobby with your family as you waited for Kai to fill out any necessary paperwork. You don’t know why you were so anxious to see him (a lie, you knew exactly why), but you didn’t feel ready to leave just yet.

While waiting, you questioned the rest of your siblings on why they were here. They confirmed your suspicions that while mainly worried about you, they wanted to know if Kai was okay as well. This made you smile a little bit, a welcome joy in this whirlwind of a day. 

“Don’t think we aren’t going to talk about this when we get back home though,” Soobin continued, voice taking on a slightly sterner edge. You nodded having not expected otherwise, but were quickly distracted by Kai exiting the reception area and rapidly approaching you. He had a determined glint to his eyes that left you feeling unsettled. 

“Can I speak to you please? Alone,” he requested, eyes briefly flickering over to your siblings when he said alone. Caught off guard you easily followed him towards the corner, where he once again began to interrogate you on what had happened.

You had a choice to make here. You could give in a little to appease his curiosity, but that meant compromising your family even more. There was also the option of doubling down on your earlier gaslighting, something that left guilt gnawing at your stomach already. However, with your family easily within hearing distance and already upset with you, the choice was made no matter what you truly wanted to do.

“I already told you,” you began slowly, “I was right by your car I don’t know how you didn’t see me. It was pure luck I was even able to make it in time to push you away.”

“Yeah right. I know what I saw. You were across the parking lot, there’s no humanly possible way you made it to me in time. Plus you didn’t just push me away, you stopped the car with your hand ! I heard the metal crunch and everything,” he replied, suddenly a lot more agitated after your earlier claims.

“Look, all i want is the truth. I won’t tell anyone I swear but I don’t like feeling like i’m insane when there’s obviously some sort of explanation you could give,” he pleaded in a calmer fashion, confirming your earlier suspicions of his trustworthiness. He wasn’t lying either. 

You almost gave in right then and there but the looming presence of your siblings kept you in check. Feeling terrible you gave out a weak laugh and insisted that he probably did have some sort of concussion that maybe the doctor missed because he was not making sense.

His face hardened and he softly said, “And here I thought we were actually on the path to being friends,” before walking out, fed up with your lies and evasions. That was punishment enough for everything you had caused. 

Defeated, you walked back to your siblings and followed them to the cars, just wanting to get home. No one said a word the entire ride. What could be said? 

Being home wasn’t any better. Yeonjun immediately called for a family meeting and you all flocked to the dining table. Based on their thoughts you noted that they were divided in their stances. Soobin and Yeonjun were a lot more on the fence about Kai. Beomgyu and Taehyun saw this as a major setback but seemed to still be rooting for you and Kai.

“I’m sorry but it’s just so dangerous. He’s a great kid but he’s too observant. At least lie low for a little, avoid him as much as you can,” urged Yeonjun looking into your eyes pleadingly.

“That’ll be hard considering he’s my partner in Biology,” you countered, feeling defensive even if you sort of agreed with what he said. 

Beomgyu and Taehyun were offering support via their thoughts but had remained silent, letting the two eldest say their pieces. You knew they wouldn’t really say much anyways with Taehyun having seen how that would’ve played out and warning Beomgyu not to speak either to avoid a big fight.

“Look, I can feel how upsetting this all is for you just like I can feel how happy he makes you, but can we really trust him? It sucks I know, but we don’t even truly know him. What if he figures it out and runs to tell someone. That not only puts us in danger but him as well,” Soobin reasoned gently. He had a point, one you hadn’t considered.

Humans weren’t allowed to know about vampires. If anyone figured out he knew then his life was at risk. The incident with the doctor was already a close call. 

Looks like your decision was made for you yet again. “Fine, I’ll ignore him. It’s what’s best. For what it’s worth I’m sorry, I never meant to cause any of this or put us in danger I just thought I found a friend and let that cloud my judgement. It won’t happen again,” you responded, Kai’s earlier words ringing in your ears. 

The discussion was left at that and you decided to go up to your room and be alone for a while, ignoring Beomgyu and Taehyuns attempts to talk to you. 

The “good” news is that tomorrow would be a sunny day. None of you ever attended class on sunny days claiming illness or some other weak excuse that the school staff were too scared to counter. An unfortunate byproduct of being a vampire meant that the sun not only caused your skin to be reflective (as a means of luring in prey once again), but also was simply uncomfortable to endure for long periods of time. 

You didn’t have to worry about how you’d avoid Kai tomorrow since you wouldn’t even be there. Try as you might, you couldn’t ignore your brain screaming at you that he would definitely think you didn’t go just to avoid him. You needed to stop worrying about what he thought in regards to you if you wanted to succeed in ignoring him.

The rest of the night passed uneventfully, and your day off was similar. You mainly let yourself wallow in misery with the limited time you had before you were going to be forced to take on your act of indifference towards Kai. Maybe Taehyun was right, maybe you were having an emo phase. 

The following day was cloudy once again, the stormy disposition of Forks failing you. It should be easy enough to ignore Kai either way considering your grade level had a field trip scheduled to the local compost center. How thrilling. 

Both Soobin and Taehyun were in the same grade as you, with Yeonjun and Beomgyu being in the year above you. Something Beomgyu thought would be hilarious despite being turned after Soobin and thus technically younger. 

You stuck by your siblings the whole day, doing your best to blend in amongst them and not catch Kais attention. Aware of your plan they ensured at least one of them was with you at all times from the classroom to the bus.

They’re pretty successful but of course the one moment you all aren’t on top of the formations Kai takes the chance to sneak next to you. Usually you’d have some sort of warning from hearing someone’s thoughts suddenly get louder but as always, he’s the exception.  

“So what after lying to me I don’t even get an apology just the silent treatment?” he begins tone lighter than you’d expect considering all that’s happened. 

Startled you whip around to look at him and then frantically look for your siblings. You spot them trying their best to make it to you through the dense crowd of students crammed into the greenhouse. Just your luck.

Deciding it would be a smarter move to at least speak to him than pretend he wasn’t even there you let out a resigned sigh and responded. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t lie to you but i’m sorry that things are turning out this way. Trust me it’s not what i wanted,” you pleaded a little, hoping he’d be able to read between the lines. 

Those ever curious eyes stared back at you completely unafraid of what they saw. Anyone else would’ve given up on you, too intimated or scared but right then and there you practically saw Kai make the choice to be kind to you despite your faults yet again.

His eyes softened minutely and he simply nodded saying “If that’s how it had to be then okay. I don’t really expect anything from you just please do your best not to completely shut me out.” The hopeful shine to his eyes had you forgetting all the decisions you had made just days prior. 

You gave a small smile in return and thankfully didn’t have to say more as your siblings finally caught up to you. Kai greeted them shyly and walked away, leaving you with their confused expressions. 

“What happened to ignoring him?” hissed Soobin, having heard the whole conversation. 

“What was I supposed to do just pretend he wasn’t even there. This was better damage control than complete isolation at least he’s not mad,” you countered, gesturing to where Kai was laughing with some other friends and no longer overthinking. At least for now. 

“That’s a good point. If he stayed upset or got even angrier from being ignored there’s no guarantee he would’ve really stayed quiet,” reasoned Taehyun in an attempt to support you and placate Soobin. 

Soobin ultimately agrees with you both giving out another warning to just be careful and the situation is moved on from.

The rest of the trip is uneventful and you find yourself back at the school for lunch time, experiencing no other runs ins with Kai. You somehow feel both grateful and disappointed. 

Your siblings once again waste no time filling in Yeonjun and Beomgyu on what had happened. Such gossips. 

You wince a little as Yeonjun immediately becomes upset, not buying into the flimsy reasoning you and Taehyun had pushed earlier. Just as he was about to open his mouth and say something to you, Beomgyu begins to speak. 

“I think it’s important to mention that Kai is currently drilling holes into our table with his eyes right now,” he states, tone incredibly amused. You hadn’t noticed considering you were doing your best to break your habit of checking in on Kai. 

Sure enough, when you glance over at his table, Kai is staring directly at you gaze serious but contemplative. Seems his momentary pause in overthinking was already over. You somehow find this endearing. 

Suddenly he stands, walking over to the fruit and salad bar in the cafeteria, eyes never really leaving your table. It’s almost like he was asking you to go speak with him. 

“You better go. Find a way to fix this please we can’t have him taking this much interest in us,” Yeonjun interupts, surprising you by suggesting you speak to Kai although his reasoning makes up for the confusion of the request. 

You don’t think twice about getting up and making your way over to Kai. Better to take the chance before Yeonjun changes his mind or someone else pitches in with another idea. 

Kai brightens up a little when he sees you approaching him. Seriously how is he so forgiving. 

Before he can speak you began talking, “You know you really should stop staring, some people think that’s rude.” 

“Ah yes, because you are so concerned with not being rude,” he immediately answers with a small smirk surprising you yet again. You hear your family giggling from across the cafeteria. Traitors. 

Attempting to not be phased you continue, “Seriously though, I know we talked earlier but it really is in your best interest to just forget about me.” It sounds weak even to your ears. 

“See, you keep saying these things and doing stuff to push me away yet you’re doing just as bad of a job at staying away from me,” he easily replies, smile never leaving his face. He has a point. 

You choose to remain quiet, sure that any response you can give right now he will ignore. Not that you can even think of a response to that. 

“Some of my friends are going to the beach soon, you should come with us. I want you to be there,” he continues on, not paying any attention to your warnings. 

“I can’t swim,” is stupidly the first excuse out of your mouth. 

“I can teach you !” is his immediate counter. Great. 

“I’m not really a beach person sorry,” you try again hoping he’d get the hint from the double rejection. You really do feel sorry, you’d love to spend more time with him. 

He stares at you eyes contemplating but ultimately drops the issue only to bring up something far worse. 

“Be real with me. Are you like a superhero or something?” he questions suddenly. 

You splutter in response not really sure what to say to that. You settle on a very squeaky “What?!”

“Sorry. I said earlier I didn’t expect anything from you and here I go questioning. It’s just I don’t know, it lines up a little with the heroic way you saved me,” he mumbles, embarrassed at having asked in the first place.

You stare at him in awe. All you’d done since you met him is be rude, cold, and dismissive 90% of the time and here he was calling you a superhero. Little does he know you were the furthest thing from that. He really was something else. 

“Um, it’s okay. I’m not by the way. Just clearing that up,” you awkwardly respond, deciding to remove yourself from the conversation. You give a small goodbye and rush back to your table only to be met with teasing from all your siblings. 

Even Yeonjun and Soobin weren’t that mad considering just how awkward that whole conversation was. You groan and bury your face into your arms. You were so utterly fucked. 

The rest of your classes were slow and boring, giving you plenty of time to agonize over what your life had turned into so quickly. Finally the bell rings signaling the end of the day and you begin the walk to the parking lot. 

As you’re nearing the car you spot Kai across the lot again, but this time he wasn’t alone. One of his classmates was with him clearly trying to flirt, ignoring the obvious discomfort on Kais face. 

“So, prom is coming up… we should totally go together,” she began, more of a request than a question. He gave a nervous laugh in response and the weak excuse of “being out of town” that weekend. He was a horrible liar, but he was so gentle with his rejection that the girl wasn’t even phased. You didn’t miss how his eyes briefly glanced over to you right before he answered her.

Soon after she left another of his friends approached him. You slowed down a little on your walk to the car, curious to hear more of his conversations. 

“We’re headed to the city this weekend to go shopping you have to come with us,” the friend excitedly begged. You expected another rejection but were surprised when Kai agreed, claiming he wanted to buy a book that was only available in a store downtown.

The friend seemed shocked by the easy acceptance too but wasted no time giving Kai the details of where they’d meet. This had you stopping in your tracks.

Of course Kai would be going shopping right next to the woods you and Beomgyu had decided to hunt at this weekend. Great. 

You tell your family as soon as they’re all by the car too and immediately push for a change of plans regarding the hunt. Surprisingly they all disagree claiming that you and Beomgyu will be careful enough and to not worry. 

How wrong they would come to be. 

. decode masterlist

[ellemusing-it]

Languid Steps of an Undead Soul

it feels as though i am already dead. dead inside, like i am digging my own grave. whatever once drove me to be a person now seems like a retired scheme. my eyes feel heavy, sunken with a desperate call for sleep and rest. how long have i been awake, really? how long have i been frying the last of my brain cells, trying to keep pace with the ever-growing world and my own development? it sounds promising, but it isn't. i am already dead, albeit feeding on allegorical drugs, addiction, and all those distractions that keep me from truly living.

what is it like to run with a purpose, a sense of direction? am i always full of words but never actions, consumed with thoughts but forever immobilized? how do people who are so burdened with everything in their lives seem to walk fast? why does it feel like an arrow of slow rigidity has struck me in the back, making me so slow to walk, slow to move, slow to live? as fast as my thoughts race, kilometers or miles per nanosecond, i tread through life slowly, half-willingly, half-unwantedly. it seems like i have run out of hats to wear.

i wish i still had that personality where i was wide-eyed, ready to pounce on whatever life handed me. i wish i had the sage-like mind where i still dreamed and danced with the world at my feet. i wish i still had a connection with the author who writes my story, who guides my fate, and to whom i call out. desperate times call for desperate measures. i know everything happening in my life, be it a test or unrest, has a reason. maybe i need to be here again, in this 'hello darkness, my old friend' situation, to seek out spirituality.

but i don't know, i really don't. maybe i am now reaping the consequences of my 'gaining-esoteric-wisdom-from-fucking-around-and-finding-out.' i wish i had my spark back. you know that internal feeling when you're in a low vibrational mode, the one that you know might spill onto others? i am supposed to influence, not spread an infection or something.

cruel summer, indeed. a lot of heartbreaks, lessons, trust issues, lies, sin, guilty pleasures—it feels like you're already dead in a game that replays over and over to make you feel included, but there's nothing you can do. i'm so tired of being tired, of being sad, of feeling nothing, of feeling blue. i'm so tired of regulating, encompassing, sharing, ranting, or trying to reel it off me, because i really don't know what to do. i'm so tired of reliving visions or fever dreams, of being so caught up in my problems that i can't seem to be functional or productive in the real world.

how does one begin to make up for lost time? being in your 20s is the most drugged-down feeling of all time—finding yourself, distinguishing reality from dreams, and learning to make your dreams a reality. no regrets is what i miss most, but all i have right now are loads and loads of them. at this moment, i am just a slave to my own vision, going kahoots on a bewitching feeling of confusion.

[kosmickay]

Most days I’m borderline professional at pushing the emotions that come with this as deep down as they’ll go. I have, over time, trained myself to not associate you with any emotion anymore. It just hurts too terribly bad. The only possible way I’m at all able to get through each day is by absolutely lying to myself and playing tricks on my brain each time you arise as the main topic of my thoughts. It’s inhumane the measures I have to go to just to survive. You were like my oxygen, my lifeline. For a very long time you were my only reason for continuing on at all. Now that you’ve been completely removed from my timeline I’m in a state of confusion and discomfort. I always feel like I’m forgetting something, like I’m leaving a be try important item behind and no matter how many times I check myself over and retrace my steps the feeling never subsides. I used to think how could one man be so insanely cruel and heartless, but now I see it’s not just “one” man because here he is doing the exact same thing. Was I really that evil? Was I really that toxic and damaging and traumatizing to them that they can consciously do this to me and to my babies without even a second thought? Am I just wildly flawed when it comes to putting my trust and love into people to the point where I inevitably choose people that will ultimately fucking ruin me in the long run? I can’t for the life of me fathom what I could have done in this lifetime, even all of the wrongs I’ve committed all summed up into one big mistake surely to god still doesn’t warrant this kind of cruel disgusting consequence. I truly would like to know what it was that wash over both of you and gave you this supreme God complex to believe you even hold that kind of authority to make the kind of executive decisions about OUR children’s lives and their futures because this is blatant and intentional trauma that isn’t necessary to even inflict in the first place. In my eyes and in my opinion and from where I am standing it looks to me as if it’s pre calculated and planned out abuse and manipulation in attempt to, I don’t know, I guess, boost your ego? Honestly I reallly can’t even begin to fathom your sick minded reasoning behind it and what you tell yourself to justify the damage you’re purposely creating. You know, if I were allowed I’d be the best mom the earth has ever seen. To be a mother is the only thing in give ever aspired for. Even in my adolescent years I dreamt of having a beautiful baby girl and then after my baby girl, having a baby boy. The universe and Mother Nature both listened to my wishes and they granted them easily and I was given just that, a little girl first and then a short time after a little boy. They were both immaculate and unflawed. I was surprised that me being as flawed and imperfect as I am, could create something so beautiful and perfect, not once but twice in a row! That gave me confidence within myself that I had never known before. In loving you, I learned how to love me too. The problem was I was so very young and immature and ignorant to the ways of the world. I was just starting to learn how to function in this world and here I was trying to protect and teach and guide these amazing gorgeous creatures that I had made within my very body and to tell you the truth I was scared beyond comprehension. I had messed up and made mistakes in doing just about every thing in my life at that point and I was so fearful of my blemishes leaking on to you. I had no idea which way was right and which way was left. Honestly, I still have trouble finding my way from time to time now. I was a child with no support system and no one on my side. I was fighting and wasn’t even sure I really deserved what I was fighting for in the first place.with Everton against me I didn’t know who I could trust. I didn’t know which way to turn. I was so afraid of choosing the wrong path by sheer accident and then dragging you down with me through hell. You see, all I’ve ever known in my life is misery and pain. You never deserved to see that and have to endure that.