#it's so awesome out here i fucking love seeing the stupidest people in the world try to make intelligent arguments

[hikikomourning]

'trans men are oppressed for being trans not for being men' explain how it's possible for a TRANS MAN to be trans without also being a man. explain how he can be oppressed for being TRANSGENDER without being oppressed for the GENDER he is TRANSITIONING to.

[backslashdelta]

1 Day of Glee Blogs: kurthummeldeservesbetter

Every time @kurthummeldeservesbetter hosts a Glee Blog Awards (and I say every time because it has happened more than once now), I want to nominate her, but she won’t let me.

Enough is enough.

Alex, you deserve an award. For all the work you’ve put in to making our little corner of the internet a better, more fun, more positive place to be. You do so much for our fandom and it just feels wrong for all of that hard work to go unrecognized, especially when you do so much to recognize the hard work other people put in.

So, we’ve decided to not let it go unrecognized.

I took a page from your book and figured that the best way to do this would be to ask other people to say things so that I have to say less things. So I reached out to everyone who received a nomination for the 25 Days of Glee Blogs, told them my idea, and asked them if they had anything they’d like to say to you. Several people told me they were thinking about doing this exact same thing, so I guess I’m just lucky that I got around to sending out the messages first. And, of course, lots of people had some lovely things to say (and show!) you! So, without further ado, let’s get on with it.

@coffeeorderwrites: “The glee blog awards were such a sweet and wonderful idea and I was personally so grateful to be able to put some positivity out into the world through doing these nominations. It's also clear a huge amount of effort went into the posts from the individual banners to the personalized recommendations. Thank you so much for doing this! Also I just want to add I thoroughly enjoy your head cannons and very much enjoy having you on my dash 😊”

@20xbetterthanu: “Hi Alex! You’re fucking amazing for doing this for everyone—you’re amazing in general, your head cannons are on point and your love for Kurt hummel is superior and I just wanted to say thank you! Ily—Ally”

@katimanki: “I want to nominate the oh so wonderful @kurthummeldeservesbetter for every blog award there is and has been. Because of all her weirdly specific headcanons that are (too often lol) 100% accurate. And the stupidest shit posts that are absolute gold (the glee-books, Should-I-drink-all-this-coffee-??-!) I admire her motivation and ability to produce daily quality content.💕 All the effort she puts into everything she puts out is simply astounding. She literally did two blog awards this fall, all by herself, completely unprompted and selflessly. She did all that for other people in the fandom and never asked for anything back. I can't be anything but grateful and amazed (and a little jealous of her commitment abilities haha)!! And look at her go again! Just over a week since 25 days of blogs and she already has a new event ready to go! 💖”

@lallagoglee:

@esperantoauthor: 

@spaceorphan18: “I'm glad that they're supporting blogs in a positive way, and not limiting who they're showcasing. I think it's great that fandom can be inclusive and welcoming, and I hope others follower her trend of supporting others within the fandom. :)”

@crissmastrees-and-candyklaines: “I think Alex is such a great person to be constantly putting on things like this. It take a truly wonderful soul to constantly spread gratitude and appreciation for others! Thank you Alex for being so awesome 💞”

@crayonstoperfume: “i love that she brings so much positivity to the fandom! every time i see her on my dash she’s lifting up her friends, celebrating content creators, or just coming up with something amazingly creative and funny!!”

@personalgarbagepile: “Dear Alex, I would like to thank you for all the stuff you have done and all the things you are planning in the future. I’m not sure what the new project is exactly but I will be participating whenever it starts. I love all the writing content you provide as well as all the posts you make in appreciation for the fans. They’re really sweet. Finally, I hope that one day you achieve your dream of moving up north, both because it’s great up here and because living in Florida is utterly unrelatable.”

@kuiinncedes: “amazing blog overall - iconic url, lovely, funny person, her blog awards spread so much positivity and love and it’s so sweet for her to organize them! and her headcanons are so awesome, i always love reading them so much!!! a greatly appreciated part of this fandom :))”

@gleeincorrectquotes: “I don’t know her very well, but she seems really nice, her headcannons are always so spot on and hilarious, and her idea for the glee awards was so sweet :)“

@snarkyhag: “Big thanks to kurthummeldeservesbetter for running the 25 Days of Glee blogs. It's cool to find new people to follow and to see my friends celebrated for the awesome they are. Not sure how his pun machine made it into the group but I am honored.”

@heartsmadeofbooks:  "I've never actually talked to Alex, but that doesn't mean I don't know what a sweet person she is. She takes the time to make Awards and the 25 days of Blogs to brighten everyone else's day despite really not having to go to all that trouble. Her headcanons are amazing and the reason I started to follow her in the first place, and I look forward to more of them in the future. If this were another edition of her awards, she would win "Kindest and Most Generous Person in the Fandom" award :) Sending you much love and gratitude, Alex! ♥"

@black-john-lennon: “I’d like to say Thank you for keeping the fandom alive and spreading positivity.“

@soonbuilt: 

@proudly-so: “Just wanted to say thank you for everything you do for the Glee fandom. It is nice to see someone taking so much time to put together well thought out activities for others to enjoy, especially during such a tough year. Thank you for all that you do!!”

@justgleekout: “She is such an incredible addition to the fandom! With her awards she really creates such a nice community feeling. The way she always thinks of others is absolutely wonderful. Her hcs always make me giggle and she is just a pleasure to see on your dash really!!“

@hippohead: “The amount of time and effort that Alex has put into the 25 Days of Blogs is incredible and so selfless - it wasn't to get anything out of it, it was to create a space for the klaine community to celebrate each other and the things we make and share. I think that's wonderful. A big thank you to Alex for their organizational skills, for doing the event and spreading so much love and support! I hope they know how much we appreciate it and them 💞”

@byebyeblainey: "Alex!!!! Thank you so much for not only hosting the 25 days of glee blogs event, but for also being such a wonderful, kind, lovely person!! we haven't talked much but honestly ur vibes are IMPECCABLE and i'm so glad that u joined glee tumblr!! u light up my dashboard and i'm so happy to call u my mutual! <3"

And finally, I couldn’t end this post without a chart, so I’ve done some thorough research and put togehter the following incredibly precise and accurate graph.

You can see by that red trendline that things are only going up from here! And I wasn’t kidding about the research by the way.

Sources: [1], [2], [3a], [3b], [3c], [4], [5], [6], [7], [8], [9], [10], [11], [12]

Anyway, Alex, I hope you know how much we all love and appreciate you! You bring so much to the fandom, and we’re all so grateful for the time and effort you put in. Thank you so much for bringing some brightness and positivity to our dashes, and I hope that we’ve been able to bring some more joy (or perhaps even some glee) to yours.

[poguesgold]

how did you feel about season? i know most people liked it better than season 1 but i’m not sure how i feel yet🤔 might need to rewatch it

okay this ended up soooo long so i'm giving a tl;dr review here and if anyone cares to read my insanely long thought dump you can feel free. this part is spoiler free also!!

cons: i think they should have further developed the s1 storyline rather than conjuring up an entirely new treasure and conflict; i don't think they did the characters justice a lot of the time, particularly kie and jj; too much yelling and running not enough hanging out; the finale cliff hanger was a stupid writing choice

pros: cleo!!; pope-centric plotline!!!; amazing jjpope moments in the improv sequences; never a boring moment; rafebarry oh my god????; neck kiss shirtless wrestling holding hands standing unnecessarily close jjpope rot; just a straight up nine hour long adrenaline rush and i love that shit.

overall: i definitely did not like it more than s1, but i still REALLY loved it. i think it's worth the watch, just don't go into it expecting good writing or realistic injuries or a comprehensive plot LMFAO. what saves the season is the pogues' chemistry and their improv sequences, for real. and cleo. you WILL get angry about the shitty script and characterization if you’re really invested in that part of things, but as far as vibes and dopamine high it was awesome. it was a fun watch and i'll definitely rewatch at least once to soak it in properly

please this is going to be soooo long i apologize in advance. but i have a lot of thoughts. also ⚠️⚠️spoilers ahead!!⚠️⚠️

most of this review is going to be criticisms tbh so sorry for that but this show kinda sucks (affectionately<3)

i thought season 2 was an absolute TRAINWRECK as far as writing goes. jonas pate was basically like. this season we're going to have an even BIGGER and BETTER treasure!!! but the exact same thing is going to happen. like. we already had gold. and that's what they were going to the bahamas for at the end of season 1 for anyway????? it would have been so easy to just develop the original storyline further, i just cannot figure out why they would completely abandon it for another mediocre storyline. (i LOVED that this other mediocre storyline was pope-centric and the main character energy he was given this season. but. they. could have done that?? with the first storyline?????)

i hate that they brought big john back so so much. SO much. literally it was the stupidest most idiotic lazy cheesy plot choice in the world. it doesn't make sense, we like saw his literal bones at one point like his lifeless corpse, and WHY would they bring back a key character from the PREVIOUS ARC when they created an ENTIRELY NEW CONFLICT AND PLOTLINE FOR THIS SEASON???? jonas pate stuck it in for shock value and cliff hanger in hopes of securing a season 3, and i hate him for it. he's such a terrible writer white men have it so easy

someone in the neck kiss truthers discord earlier pointed out that jb's dead father returning after like a year and a half of thinking he was dead would probably be more traumatic that healing at this point, and i agree so much. also, you know that they're not going to use it for good either way. they're going to use his dad coming back as a way to further traumatize him somehow because obx writers are jombeephobic. and i wouldn't put it past them to bring him back just to kill him off again. jonas pate wants to write john b torture porn and i am TIRED of it

my least favorite thing about season 2 was the characterization. they really did just disregard the characters they created in season 1. kie was completely ooc for like three episodes, and it wasn't because she was mourning. it was just shitty writing. she had no character outside of her relationships this season, which has been my fear from the very beginning and why i have never wanted kie with any of the pogues. season 2 diminished her character to the female love interest, and that just sucked so bad for her.

whether you're a jjpope or not, season 2 completely changed their friendship dynamic. the only time we got glimpses of the season 1 jjpope dynamic was in the improv sequences when rudy and jd took it upon themselves. also during their hugs LMFAO. which is also an acting choice. the writing completely disregarded their friendship and dynamic. it was weird as fuck it was all weird. i also hated that kie and sarah's scripted interactions were just them talking about boys. another case of friendships again being completely disregarded for the cishet relationships. 

i just really feel like all of the characters were handled poorly this season, which is crazy because literally ALL we asked for was backstory and character development and pogue screentime. but jonas pate instead decided to write ten episodes of nonstop running and yelling and fuckinf adrenaline, with an ooc script. for funsies

i feel like the magic of season 1 was lost. the vibe of season 1 that makes it so comforting and rewatchable and lovely is sort of just lost in all the silly plot. we see snatches of it here and there, but they feel crammed between unnecessary action scenes and stunts and shouting when we would have been happy with ten episodes of the pogues hanging out in each other's bedrooms.

NOW IM GOING TO TALK THINGS I LIKED OKAY OKAY

i seriously DID love watching it. we pulled an all nighter in the neck truthers discord and binged the entire season and the adrenaline of that kept me going for the rest of the week. it was literally fucking insane absolutely batshit and i LOVED it. the writing was horrible but like. it's obx we know it isn't good LMFAOO. it's part of the charm

i definitely don't like it more than s1, but i did still like it a lot. i LOVED how pope centric it was, like he fr had such main character energy this season and it was wonderful. even though the storyline was weird and didn't make sense jd did so well lolol he did so wonderfully. i loved seeing pope get the attention he deserves this season.

JJPOPE MOMENTS. i was definitely sad they didn't have an arc to themselves like they did season 1, but oh my god jd and rudy FED US with jjpope improv moments this season. the NECK KISS? the WRESTLING? every single one of their hugs?????? they're insane. it sucked that they really didn't have any scenes alone but we take what we can get.

SPEAKING OF GAYS LET'S TALK ABOUT RAFEBARRY. because?? oh my god??? first season it was like a crack ship and then season 2 came out and... what are we supposed to do ignore it? they are literally??? gay????? it's jarring they're insane. i am so so invested in them it's kind of unreal how deep i got into this ship in such a short amount of time (follow @rafebarry babies <33)

cleo. i love cleo. the best new thing to come out of this season for sure. clarah is coming strong i can feel it and i am SO ready. i know that they're most likely going to move toward a cleopope romance next season, which i don't hate? i'm bothered only because a) it's obvious it's mostly being done to get pope out of the way for jiara, and b) i think people often push two dark-skinned characters into a ship just because they're both dark-skinned, and that yucks me out. but i will say i really liked their moments together in s2 and i think they could be really good together if they're canon s3 (which they probably will be.)

overall like. it was a fun watch. i retained like 2% of the plot i was just there for the vibes and dopamine high and that was totally fine. i want to take the pogues out of jonas pate’s greedy little white man fingers and give them the character and relationship development they deserve, but we can’t have it all i guess. the cinematography this season i think i liked better than season 1, wasn’t a huge fan of that weird yellow filter tho. also the lighting. obx lighting guys get demoted challenge. umm yeah season 1 supremacy but season 2 had amazing vibes

[simply-ellas-stuff]

My thoughts on Zack Snyder's Justice League because I watched it

The opening sequence, bc even tho the repeated scream audio was stuipid this opening was better

The new meeting between batman and Aquaman - that drawing on the wall in the og was unnecessary

Diana's extra badassery

The design of Stephen Wolf, because now he actually looks scaryish

The Queens emotions about losing her sisters of Themyscira - QUEENS DON'T JUST SEND THEIR PEOPLE INTO BATTLE EMOTIONLESSLY THESE SCENES WERE NEEDED - FUCK

THE BIGGER WITH IN THEMYSCIRA WHY THE FUCK DID THEY CUT THAT OUT?! - oh right, its because the previous director is sexist as fuck,

Stephen Wolf's Daddy Issues because that's fucking hilarious

Bruce explaining his want to find everyone bc of his promise

The close up on the fly things because that actually made it scary

THE FUCKING LIGHTING CEREMONY IN THEMESCERIA HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT

Diana's extra badassery after getting the Arrow because WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT CUT?! This explains SO MUCH about how Diana knows SO MUCH about a time she wasn't alive in and I have NO FUCKING CLUE why it was cut!?

Arthur Curry is a Stripper - Confirmed!

Arthur and his trainer talking, but idfk why they kept the bubble thing Although I do like that they clarify that it's not just Mera who can do that bubble thingy

The scene between Stephen Wolf and the stone-wall dude person was cool and it explained why Stephen Wolf was so desperate

Zeus, Ares, and Artemis prepped for battle along with Poseidon in the flashback was FUCKING AWESOME!!! Diana's Aunt as well, the shows of the Green Lanterns, and the ring returning to the planet [Although they should've named Artemis, bc she can easily be mistaken for Athena - Also; Artemis' roman equivalent in the goddess Diana ]

Darkseid being in the flashback, which explains a lot

The Gods vs Darkseid was FUCKING AWESOME

Barry's awkward rambling after running into Iris

ALSO IRIS FUCKING WEST!!!

The Big Belly Burger Reference, nicely done

My dad says Iris' car is beautiful

BARRY SAVED IRIS BITCHES

The slow-mo crash gave me anxiety

My dad says, "I know you got all the time in the world but c'mon this is ridiculous" about that scene then "That beautiful car..."

THE SCENE WITH STEPHEN WOLF AND THE ALTLANTIAN MAKES EVERYTHING MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK DID STEPHEN WOLF KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE MOTHER BOX IN ATLANTIS

Do. Not. Make. Diana. And. Bruce. Romantic. Don't. Fucking. Do. It.

The use of slow-mo is kind of redundant

Victor being fucking AMAZING even tho he's getting in trouble at school

Victor and Mama's discussion gives some life to the 2-Dlike Cyborg from the og movie, WHY THE FUCK WAS IT CUT?!

Victor's inner-world where he's still fully human

Barry being sarcastic as fuck towards his father lmfao

"Very attractive Jewish boy"

The reference to Grodd YAAAAAAAS

I still hate that Barry's lightning is blue and not red

The explanation of the Speedforce and Snacks

"What are your super powers again?" "I'm Rich" Still one of the best lines

I love Diana's shirt in the scene with Alfred

"Looks like you have a date, Ms. Prince" lmfao - Unless his name is Steve, I doubt it

I feel like Victor and Diana would be a good brother/sister duo, ngl

Burying the fucking box at your mothers grave was the stupidest shit I have ever fucking seen Victor.

COMMISIONER GORDON HELL YES

Barry's utter fail at being normal around Diana

The underwater click-like dolphin speak was cool, but still kinda dumb knowing that later Aquaman speaks underwater just fine - ngl

Nice Liquidkinetics, Mera. Amber you're still a cunt.

Also, Mera says her parents died - Wasn't her father alive in Aquaman??

Victor seeing the bat-signal explains how he knew how to find them, honest

The badass entry of Bruce, Diana, and Barry makes me laugh

Barry is far too close to Bruce

Victor scared Barry LMFAOOOO

If Victor's father is the head of STAR Labs where the fuck is Harrison Wells?????

THEY LEFT BARRY BEHIND, ASSHOLES

Diana's annoyance at Barry running ahead is such a Mom thing

Stephen using the bug thing makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE

Diana trying to make a plan and it getting ruined fits with the exasperated Mom theme she's got going on.

THE SONG HEN DIANA GOES AGAINST STEPHEN WOLF, THE FUCKING VOCALS ALONG MAKE ME HYPE AS SHIIIIIIIIT

"I Belong To No One" I FUCKING LOVE IT

HEEEEEEEEELL of a push Barry lmfaooo

"Thank you Alfred" "Don't mention it" Mans is bored of your shit

"Sword Lady" LMFAOOOOOOO

Diana's x-move thing against Stephen Wolf YAAAAAAAAS BITCH

Diana saving Barry's ass - Accurate!

Victor taking over the Crawler makes more sense this way, honest

OKAY YOU AN ACTUALLY SEE AQUAMAN IN THE WATER AND IT MAKES IT MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE

That jump onto the crawler was smooth as fuck Diana!

Stephen Wolf getting visions from the boxes also explains a lot about some shit

"I know the requirements, I wrote them" Suuuuuuubtle lmfaoo

Victor brining the box them also fits better

Why is this Stone looking mother fucker speaking Latin?

Hello Darkseid, you look particularly dramatic this evening

Victor's explaining how he knows about the box makes a lot of sense, why was this cut again??

Actually explaining the fucking Mother Box was Helpful

Mrs. Kent and Lois having a heart to heart holy shiiiit

Martha talking about how Clark's death was drowned out by Superman's - wooow

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH MARTHA'S EYES IS THAT J'ONN J'ONZZ?! THATS THE MARTIAN MANHUNTER HOLY FUCK IT'S J'ONN J'ONZZ

Ironic that Ezra-Flash's hero is Superman while Grant Gustin's hero is superman lmfao

Diana and Arthur chatting was cute, the quote was awesome and the Atlantians totally copped that quote from the Amazonians

Alfred being a sarcastic fuck is my favorite

Alfred being the voice of reason, as always

Arthur helping Barry pick a hat is AMAZING

Diana telling the boys to change, mom or big sister?? lmfaoo

Barry's social awkwardness gives me second hand embarrassment

This little infiltration arc makes SO MUCH more fucking sense

Every one being suited up and triggering the alarm is amazing

Mr. Stone fucking trusting his son is my faaaaaavorite

THE SUITS ACTIVATED AND CAME OUT WHEN CLARK WAS MOVED PAST THEM DUDE WTF

IS LOIS PREGNANT?!?!?!

Barry looks like he's about to throw up

BARRY HAS ALREADY TIME TRAVELLED THAT LINE SHOULDVE BEEN KEPT IN

Arthur being antsy about not doing the resurrection makes so much sense

VICTOR SEEING A POSSIBLE FUTURE IS THE BEST SHIT

I love vision-Diana's Norse burial

EVIL VISION-SUPERMAN DUDE CMON

THE MISUNDERSTANDING MAKES THIS WORSE AND BETTER AT THE SAME TIME

HE REVERSED TIME WHEN HE RESURRECTED SUPERMAN WHAAAAAAAAT

The Military arriving was a sensible addition

The fancy ass dramatic ass arrival of Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Flash, and Cyborg when Superman gets to the monument is hilarious

Victor loosing control is the woooooorst

The Lasso of Truth almost got through to him but he's a stubborn fuck

Superman functioning in Flashtime is something I will never understand

Yeah lets shoot at the guy whose indestructible, right

"you should probably move" LMFAOOOO

Batman v. Superman part 2 insert eye roll here

headbutts like children - and that's cheating on the playground Clark.

Heat vision makes so much more sense than "do you bleed?"

Lois coming in cluuuuutch

I like Lois' appearance better than Alfred bringing her, it fits Lois better

Arthur and Barry now have rivalry lmfaooo

Mr. Stone being obsessed with the mother box is annoying as fuck

Mr. Stone is an idiot and he should've fucking left the box alone

That was a horrible death why was that necessary?!

Arthur being a pessimist in this movie is honestly hilarious, tho why is he anti-love??

Barry being surprised at Batman's richness is never not funny

"I'll take that as a yes" okay Clark, don't show off

IS LOIS PREGNANT OR NOT?!

"Its really me Ma" Best scene of the whole fucking movie

Barry and Arthur heart-to -heart "I thought you didn't car" "I never said that" BUILD THIS FRIENDSHIP

BRUCE TELLS DIANA OF THE VISION

Bruce talking about faith never bodes well

THE QUEEN LOOKS BEAUTIFUL

"uh with the power of love" "Barry" LMFAOOOOOO

THE KRYPTONIAN SUITS LOOK AMAZING

Since when does Superman have Geokinesis??

I LOVE HOW BOTH OF HIS FATHERS ARE TALKING TO HIM I FUCKING LOVE IT

THE SUIT UP SCENE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME IT LOOKS AWESOME

"just have to knock a little louder" Well, that's one way to knock Bruce

Nice crash boy

Straight up sounded like "Loud and queer" lmfaoooo

Diana leading the teeeeeeeaaaam Hell Yes!

I do miss the "I think we're all gonna die" lasso-Arthur scene tho. it was stupid - but funny.

DIANA COMING IN FOR THAT SLICE AND DICE BAYBEEEEY

THE TEAM SHOOOOT YES totally taken from Marvel but fuck did it look good

"you really are out of your mind" says the idiot who talks to fish

"not done yet" vs "your welcome" I like the second one better

Glorious hair Arthur lmfaoo

Fucking chair eject

NICE SHISH-KA-BOB ARTHUR FUCK

Alfred doesn't even fucking blink when Clark arrives

ARTHURS TRIDENT DOES THE WAVY THING ON LAND TOO BROOOO

Oh yeah, step back for the demi-god princess

DONT PISS OFF DIANA AND DO NOT USE HER FAMILY TO FUCK WITH HER IT NEVER ENDS WELL

The familiar flash buildup power ring will never not make me happy

Daaaaaayum Diana!!

Nice catch Arthur

Diana knows her mother and sisters are alive bc they sent the arrow to her, so why is he even trying it??

NICE SAVE SUPERMAN!!

"Not impressed" Smooooooth

THAT FINAL BATTLE IS FUCKING AWESOME

TIME TRAVEL

BADASS DIANA WITH THAT DEPCAPITATION

You sent Today at 5:44 PM

Them all standing there was straight up "Fuck with us, I dare you"

The epilogue was great but that dream was confusing, are we doing Alt-universe shit??

MARTIAN MOTHER FUCKING MANHUNTER BITCHEEEEEEEEEEZZ

IS LOIS PREGNANT OR NOT?!

[buzzworddotie]

A little (not quite) Anxiety Ramble

Do something! Do SOMETHING! Don’t stop doing something!

Welcome to 2020.

It won’t stop, my brain will not shut off. We’ve been in lockdown for… to be honest off the top of my head I can’t even get dates right but I’ve been in isolation mode, working from home for about 4 weeks now maybe?

On week 2, I became more lethargic than I ever have in my life, I withdrew from any contact with other people, my brain was in a fog, I couldn’t focus. My muscles were tired and refusing to function and my energy was entirely zapped.

I managed to pull myself out of that by attempting to not guilt myself for eating that bowl of carb loaded cereal or allowing myself to rationalise that it’s OK to just watch a movie.

But here I find myself in that cloudy little place again. My anxiety is in such a way that my brain refuses to shut down and my motivation is becoming a precious commodity that I’m unsure of how exactly to keep it in a steady flow.

When the anxiety kicks in like this for me, I stress and worry about every and any thing. Things entirely out of my control, other people, how I am perceived, why I am not now or have ever been good enough for anything or anyone. 

My rational brain packs its bags and heads for the door as I stare in the mirror and hate everything I see looking back. My doubts, my insecurities, my shame - every dark little voice that can be mustered up gets louder and louder.

And so I overthink every action I make, I try too hard to impress a version of myself on people. I try too hard to force anyone who might give a shit that I am in fact OK! And you know there’s nothing saner than someone screaming “I’M OK!!” directly into another person's face manically.

Sleeping is the worst, or in my case not sleeping. It doesn’t matter how tired I may or may not be, I can be assured that as soon as I lay my head down that anxiety demon comes alive.

I cannot remember the last time I slept for a solid 7 - 8 hours. I can recall what it feels like to be at complete odds and ends at 4am because it’s happening every goddamn night!

Is this a symptom of what is happening in the world right now or is it just an exemplification of how screwed up I might actually be? These are the beautiful thoughts which haunt my brain in between scrolling through Twitter or Reddit, telling myself to not scroll through Twitter or Reddit and then, you know, casually reminding myself that I will never be good enough for whatever the fuck I think I should be good enough for!

I’ve always been a bit of an introverted extrovert, or am I an extroverted introvert? I’m not sure, the point is I’ve never had a problem being a bit “isolated”. I’m quite happy in my own company and just pondering about, in my own little world doing whatever silly things I decide to do with myself. However, that world of mine was always interrupted with everyday interactions - people I work with, the ability to visit someone and general activities which we just take for granted.

I’m starting to even question if I am as introverted as I liked to think I was at all! I told myself that being locked down wasn’t a big deal for me, not a massive shift in my life. I’m single, I live alone… Just a real wholesome and healthy picture there! “I’m OK!!!”

First World Problems.

One thing about me I’ve known since childhood is that I love my independence. I was told by my parents growing up I was the most independent of all my siblings. There is a sense of freedom that comes with independence and I think losing that is throwing me for a bit of a loop.

The freedom and independence to just make a decision to do something in the moment and being able to just do it. Even the smallest, stupidest of things like going for a browse in a shop. Such a boring and mundane activity but an activity that clearly ticked some kind of box for my mind.

Of course, I am wary of banging on about this word “freedom” but allow me to state, I do not mean freedom with the gusto of some hardcore, right wing, gun toting Murican (Or the Irish lady, she whom shall not be named… We all know).

No, I’m not trying to suggest my first world concept of freedom is being threatened on some conspiracy level, I accept the merit in the fact that for a period of time we have to do what’s best for the greater good. But jaysus, it’s not easy at times is it?

Without the fundamental freedoms which I take for granted as everyday life it’s as if my brain is being withheld vital nutrients for it to operate full steam ahead. Don’t get me wrong, this anxiety trip isn’t a new phenomenon for me, I know the bitch well, but I had such a great grip on things and I think the hardest part for a minute there was trying to figure out how I was allowing it all to spiral so ferociously when I know I have the tools to not do that.

It also bothers me because I am, by nature, incredibly laid back and positive. I flip between Energizer Bunny, Everything is Awesome and easily passing for a hippie stoner on my good days. So seeing myself behave erratically at times now makes me not recognise or like the person I am having to live with during this lockdown! Her neediness and desire to please is very, very off putting to me.

But maybe I just need to let her be a little bit, maybe I just need to let her know that it is fine. It is fine if a momentary lapse in the mind causes a mini freak out which embodies itself as wanting to just shut down, it is fine if she does just go a bit OTT at times with people to overly compensate for how weak and low she is feeling. It’s fine.

It is fine. Once you recognise that that’s all it is, it does not lessen your worth to behave in a way you might later regret and it does not lessen your value if you allow your insecurities or vulnerabilities to sneak through every now and then. You just have to hope that whoever is lucky enough to get the brunt of your vulnerability can appreciate the value in getting a taste of it at all. Because that right there, that vulnerability, that is a precious thing which is not afforded to many, if any at all. 

It is the most beautiful aspect of humanity, to be vulnerable. And it is really fucking hard to let go of. Vulnerability takes an incredible amount of strength, it’s a feather that keeps on floating through regardless of how much dirt and debris gets attached to weigh it down. It is delicate and strong all at the same time. 

And for me, it is terrifying to let that wall down. It feels frightening to think for a moment I let someone see weakness or gave a hint that I, with all my positivity and strength and being there for other people, could have a moment of weakness. It cracks the veneer of who I want to pretend I am.

Meet my friend, Anxiety.

Anxiety has been an under current which has existed within me since my childhood but something I only recognised as I began to get older and, yes, get help. Speaking to a professional allowed me the opportunity to begin to understand myself and learn about myself, gain self awareness.

Where I am now compared to where I was back then are completely opposed. At its worst, I was consumed by my anxiety and all the other little niggly things which tortured my brain. It all manifested in self-hate usually, maybe hate is a strong word but certainly a really strong dislike of myself! I would allow that to spin in circles in my mind until I was lost in it and trying to fix a million and one things about myself and others which really, was all very surface or non-existent.

The difference today is that I can, at last, recognise it. I can see the signs, at times I am deep within them and it takes a step back to shake it off and see it but at least I can find it within myself to rationalise and take that step back.

It doesn’t make it easy, there is nothing easy about managing mental health in the same sense there is nothing easy about managing physical health. If I want that toned stomach I will have to feel the burn and it has to work the same for mental health too!

Jesus, it is not easy at times. I will always remember an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race in which the contestant Katya suffered severely from debilitating anxiety. During a walk through Ru asked the Queen if she was, in fact, addicted to the anxiety. This registered with Katya and as time has gone by and that interaction replays in my own mind, I realise it often registers for me too.

When it is all you know, you can easily become all consumed by the anxiety, the worry, the stress and you can get sucked right down into it. And you can find a level of comfort within that discomfort, it’s recognisable and it can feel easier to submit yourself to it than seek out the light and pull yourself back from it.

When I break it down I can see the various triggers for my anxiety:

Opening up and being vulnerable = Opening myself up for rejection.

Feeling like I cannot help = Opening myself up for failure.

Failure, rejection = Not good enough. 

Attempting to improve and increase my self worth is really something that I never understood was such an issue for me, mostly because the concept of “self worth” was never something that even showed up on my radar. But guess what? It’s a thing! 

Self love is not about having an over inflated and delirious ego, it is about recognising that you do have worth as a human being. Recognise yourself as a human being.

Oh god, she’s going to talk about her childhood...

So, why is it that I may not have always recognised myself as a human being, worthy of care and love? Well, I will refrain from the details that will cause my very being to quiver but I was raised in a home in which I received a lot of love, but it was unstable. Arguments, raised voices, depression and a lack of seeing love between my parents. A tumultuous family backstory which, while I was not in existence for much of it, carried a heavy cloud over all proceedings. I was in existence for difficult times with siblings and parents who butted heads constantly. 

I was a witness, I was shielded from being on the receiving end for the most part but I still stayed awake at night waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I jumped at nothing and everything, like a scared little mouse. I was reserved and private with friends, I held the problems into myself and did not expose anyone to it. 

As well as this, I faced a level of mental, physical and, like so many other girls and women out there, sexual abuse. I won’t delve into all the details but it seems like some sick, twisted joke that once you are forced to be subjected to this as a child, you do not recognise the issue with it which leaves you vulnerable for it again as you mature into an adult and set off on your own.

This is because your self worth has been destroyed. So when you see ladies coming to the fore as part of #MeToo or another movement, or no movement at all, don’t be so quick to judge. These ladies have likely held their tongue because their self worth has been so low that until they became exposed to others discussing it they didn’t even realise what had happened to them.

I won’t dwell too long on that, I could spend a long time dissecting it but it isn’t for now.

I will note, neither of my parents were responsible for that abuse. However, what my beautiful, kind and lovely parents were responsible for was me and as much as it absolutely kills me to have to admit, there were failings. Aside from generally being exposed to an unhappy home, as a child I was used to bridge the gap. Something which ran into my adulthood.

If my father was angry, upset or, as I now reflect and realise, in a spiral of depression it was my responsibility to pick him out of it. From a young age, I was the fixer - a tool to try to make things better. 

Until I actually discussed this with a professional I never saw the problem here, everything was normalised to me, but apparently not great! It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child!

Add into that a complex / chip on my shoulder of never being as good as an older sibling, whom I perceived as the ‘golden child’, feeling like I had to keep things hurting me hidden for fear of disrupting an already disruptive home for which I felt responsible for keeping the peace or holding together and well, you get yourself a nice little stew that is a recipe for absolute fucked up adulthood!

Honest Reflection.

How could I ever expect to grow into a well developed individual? The balance of genuine love I did receive from my parents is what I believe kept me from falling down an even more desperate track, a track which I pondered along on many occasions. A dark road with flickering lights where the allure of escape was often far too real.

However, my internal commentary of having to be responsible for others actually kept me from ending it on many occasions as I could not release the feeling of not wanting to let anyone down.

Jesus, unpack this shit and it’s an absolute shit show! But I don’t claim to be special or unique, the sad reality is how many people went through a similar journey or worse and are now in their early to mid adulthood and attempting to get to grips with it all. And that’s only if they managed to find the tools and resources to recognise it in the first place.

Recognise that 1. You are not mental and 2. You are not a terrible human being. 

I can’t speak to anyone else but clearly I have lacked the tools to manage or cope with my emotions. Anything outside of my control freaks me out and I lose the absolute run of myself! I panic, I seek out approval and validation and often in unhealthy ways. I have had eating disorders which I have been in denial about, I have drank too much, gone off the rails and slept with far too many people! 

What now? What triggered my writing, which has evidently turned into an unintentional essay about myself (fair play if you’ve made it this far, you’re a better person than me).

I recognised irrational behaviour and a deep dip in my mood as well as an increase of self critical behaviours. That was when I began writing, this is now the future, or present, or wait, is this inception? I’ve incepted myself, just know as you read now a couple of days have passed.

And it took those couple of days for the lightbulb to click on but better late than never! 

Let there be Light!

I began writing this aimlessly as a means to just put my thoughts down and that was a step in the direction of realising I had to do something. I am now slowly picking myself back up from it all.

First step, I went to the chemist and I just asked what can you give me for anxiety, I am not sleeping, I have not had a proper night sleep in close to two weeks or more - I asked for…… Help!

Gulp, scary, try it sometime.

The Pharmacist gave me a product called “Avena Sativa” (check it out). I added 20-30 drops to a little bit of water and it immediately relaxed and eased my mind. I took more before bed and baby, when I say I slept! Pure, deep, joyful sleep - all the z’s.

But wait, there’s more! Thinking I might as well hit this from all angles, I also grabbed some Vitamin D supplements and began retaking my B-12. I don’t know if one or all of these things did the trick but I can certainly feel the easing effects.

So that’s the taking stuff, but that isn’t all I did - Oh no, that would be too short for me!

I knew I really needed to hit this hard if I wanted to pull myself out of the hole I could eventually be down deep within. I’m a fan of meditation, I get that some skeptical people might huff it off as new age hippie nonsense or whatever, but it can work. Youtube has a host of wonderful meditation videos and for me, switching off from the world and onto one of those helps me massively. 

Additionally, I stopped hanging out of my phone, for the best part at least. I have a bit of anxiety with my phone (of course I do). I went through a period of time where my phone was a bearer of bad news, any phone call could have been bad news and eventually, it was. I realised I find it hard to let go of that, the idea that if I do not have my phone on me and with sound on 24/7 I risk not getting an important piece of news, I risk letting someone down or not being there as I should be.

Should = dangerous word. Don’t let ‘should’ govern your life or mind. Every ‘should’ is an expectation and additional level of stress you are putting on yourself. Best advice I received was to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ and see what the end result becomes.

Let’s wrap this up.

All in all, this is a time that can lead those susceptible to anxiety, and even those who are not typically, to find themselves in the mental trenches. It’s imperative to look at yourself from the outside and attempt to recognise what might be the deep rooted cause of what is effing you up. Do you really hate your body right now or is your self worth a bit low because of some other reason that deserves to be addressed?

Maybe consider going a bit easy on yourself? Don’t beat yourself up over that response or message that you regret. Don’t assume you can control others, just be yourself. Speak your truth at any given time and allow yourself that beautiful release of scary, scary vulnerability. 

Don’t run from it or beat yourself up over every and any little interaction or negative thought, give yourself a break and pull yourself out of the addiction of dark thoughts. Seek out help, ask for help - even if you are just asking yourself. Make healthy choices that will have a knock on effect of making you feel good about yourself or happy in your decision.

It is far from easy, but again, nothing worth having in this life is ever easy. But then the end result, when you push through and put in that effort - it is so, so very worth it to be able to have that moment of that day when you actually don’t doubt yourself or hate yourself.

I will keep motoring along with my own work and efforts and I ask that you do the same, if you find yourself in that dark place. Push through and don’t give up on yourself, you’re all you’ve got and that’s a pretty amazing thing to have.

[prince-simon]

Hey, I have a prompt for you: "You're safe with me, now" You are free for make me cry, lol

Hii anon

-

Parties and other social events that consisted of more people than just his three best friends tended to make Matteo anxious as hell. So usually, he stayed just long enough to be able to later say that he had, in fact, been at the party, before he found an empty room to chill.

Sometimes, that empty room ended up being a bathroom that he locked himself in with his friends to smoke. But they’d eventually want to go back to the party, leaving Matteo to his own devices.

Luckily, this time, it was a party in his own flat, so he made his rounds, greeting everyone he knew before disappearing to his room. He put on his headphones to drown out the booming music to be replaced by something much softer and calming.

Matteo felt himself relax almost instantly. It was actually nice to not feel the need to immediately get high to cope. After he’d realised that he could in fact leave a party before he was panicking without the world ending, things had gotten so much better.

He lay in his bed, bouncing a tennis ball against the wall when he suddenly noticed from the corner of his eye that the door burst open and someone tumbled inside. Matteo sighed; he didn’t want to find an excuse to explain to the boys why he wasn’t joining the party.

When he slid his headphones off and looked at the door, however, the boy standing in his room wasn’t one of his friends.

He’d seen the boy once before. In a photograph Sara had shown him. He was the new kid, joining their year only a couple months before graduating. It was weird and Sara had mourned about how unfair it was because now Leonie had this big fat crush on him when actually Sara had a crush on her. Sara had begged him to find out more about him, maybe find some flaw about him that would turn Leonie off of him. Matteo hadn’t been able to stop himself from saying that he doubted there were any flaws because he was the most handsome boy he’d ever seen. Sara had groaned and complained that he was too gay for this, that she was too gay for this and why the fuck was Leonie not gayer.

“Sorry,” The boy said but he closed the door behind himself and leaned against it.

Even just that one word made Matteo shudder in the best way possible. Yep, he was definitely too gay for this.

While Matteo was still busy staring, the boy explained, “I had to… escape.” He waved his hand at the closed door, indicating the party raging on behind it, “Unsolicited advances. Sorry, I can find a different room.”

Matteo sat up in his bed, crosslegged. “It’s fine. You can stay.” He’d probably be unlucky with finding another room. Jokingly, he added, “You’re safe with me now.”

A smile was blooming on his lips now and Matteo swore his heart stopped beating for a moment. Most handsome boy, indeed. “Well, I’m glad to hear that,” He said, “I’m David.”

David, Matteo whispered the name to himself, trying out how it felt on his lips.

“And you?” David prompted, because Matteo was an idiot, too distracted by something as simple as a name.

“Uh, Matteo. Wanna- sit? You can chill here until you think the party is safe again or wanna go home,” Matteo suggested, ignoring how hot his cheeks felt.

“Sure,” David shrugged, sitting down across from him. He plugged the ball from Matteo’s hands, fidgeting with it a bit before deciding to throw it back at Matteo. “You’re friends with Sara, right?”

Matteo was caught off guard, by the throwing and the question. The ball hit him square in the chest and he felt breathless for a second. “Yeah, we’re quite close,” Matteo confirmed, even though “quite” might be an understatement here since she was the only one who even knew that he was gay — and as far as he knew, he was also the only one who knew she was bisexual. He picked the tennis ball back up and threw it to David again.

“I’ve seen you a couple times when you met Sara at the gym after PE,” David told him.

Matteo’s heart started racing. David had seen him before? And how the fuck had Matteo missed seeing him? Maybe he should try not being stoned out of his mind in school. “You’ve seen me before?” Matteo asked, couldn’t really help it. He usually wasn’t one to get noticed by people, especially not by boys as handsome as David.

“Yeah,” David smiled a little shyly. “I, uh, was kinda hoping to run into you here today.”

Matteo raised his eyebrows. “Why?” He was dumbfounded.

“Because I tried to stay away but I’d really like to get to know you.”

The words hung in the air between them and the moment felt suspended. Everything went dead quiet and the only thing Matteo could still hear was the pounding of his heart in his ears. “Why did you try to stay away?” Matteo asked, voice nothing more than a whisper.

David shrugged, “I told myself I needed to get through those last few months of school unnoticed, it would be easiest. Get it over with and then fuck off to Detroit or something but- yeah. Now I’m here, saying a load of bullshit to a guy I barely know.”

“Oh.” Matteo was honestly a bit speechless. He didn’t realise he could feel like that when someone flirted with him. Was he even being flirted with? Matteo cleared his throat, drawing patterns on the duvet to avoid looking at David. “Why Detroit?” He wondered.

“Best music city ever,” David said simply and Matteo looked up again just in time to see the brilliant smile on David’s face.

And just like that, they spent the remainder of the party talking until eventually the music outside died down. Then it was just their quiet voices between them and some music here and there when either one of them wanted to show the other a song they loved.

Matteo had never felt this happy and calm before. He wanted this night to never end.

But of course it had to eventually. Both of them could barely keep their eyes open anymore and Matteo was too chicken to offer that David could spend the night.

They left the sanctuary of Matteo’s room, past passed out people and at the front door, they stood across each other, smiling shyly.

“Okay, uh- I’ll text you?” David murmured, looking a little unsure.

Matteo nodded eagerly. If it was up to him, he’d never stop talking to David. Ever. “Yeah, awesome. Thanks for keeping me company tonight.” Matteo would really appreciate it if he stopped blushing now, thanks.

David grinned. “Thanks for keeping me safe,” He joked.

And Matteo made the stupidest or maybe best decision he’d ever made in his life; he leaned closer to David and kissed him on the cheek. “Sweet dreams, David,” He whispered, cheeks burning.

David was smiling, a blush on his face as well. “Goodnight, Matteo.” He went in for a hug that both boys seemed to cling to for a moment longer.

When Matteo closed the door after David had left, he slid down to the ground, the stupidest smile on his face. He couldn’t wait to see David again.

Send me a prompt! (or one from this list)

[seenashwrite]

Notes From Nash: Season 15 Episode 2

We're back! And by that, I don't mean back for episode #2, I mean we're back in the little town, same little town we were in for the majority of episode #1. And as far as how ep #2 compares with ep #1.... um.....  

The writers ain't in no damn rush to advance the plot or further character development, are they? So this is basically ep #1 all over again with some guest star overload as a substitute for those two very important aspects of storytelling I just mentioned.

[stares at date]

They've got *how* many eps to wrap up the show? 

Hoo-boy.

Spoilers below the cut.

Changing it up from last time (see link at bottom), I thought I'd go in order of the ep this post. All right. Let's roll.

From the mom who gets 86'd in the opening------

And, PS: That's not disemboweled. Don't use the word if you (a) don't know what it means and/or (b) won't let make-up/effects do their job.

-----to the rest of the people, I care nothing. There was no point giving all these extras lines and whatever little backstories, I give no fucks. Mainly because, gee, I don't know, I signed up for a show about two brothers goin' out there and gettin' after it, and thus far we've gone about two inches and gotten nothing.

Are we still in this little town?

More questions, borrowing from the dialogue some here:

"Remember when we did the thing with Amara?"

"God's sister?"

"And the soul bomb? And here's how it worked? Remember? Because you participated? REMEMBER?! I'm not just saying this for the benefit of, oh wait, no one, because the chances of brand new viewers coming into the game this late is virtually nil, so everyone - including us, here, in this scene, our characters - already know this backstory, ergo the only reason for exposition anvils is to benefit those viewers, who - as we've already established - likely don't exist. So let's run through this for the benefit of, I have to assume, the writers who don’t actually, you know, watch the show as evidenced by--- well, we’d be here all day."

Nope. No, no. Those aren't questions I had. Because I've been watching the show for a good while now. This exchange should’ve been something to the effect of - “I was thinking - remember how we did the soul bomb, with Amara? Do you think you could pull off something like that? To trap them?” and then Rowena responds with uncertainty but will give it a try, etc. I mean, the writing in this ep is thus far pedestrian.

There's still no explanation for why these ghosts - especially these super notorious ghosts like Ripper and Lizzie and who-fuck-ever - were lingering so close together that they were able to be trapped by the stupidest ex machina spell in the writing world. And what of the others? The entirety of hell escaped. We've seen, what, maybe 20? Could there maybe have been a throw-a-way line to Belphagor something like “Did you corral the worst douchebags together”, or “Is there a bar in hell where the worst douchebags hang out or something”, or “this is just our luck that the worst douchebags landed here” or WHATEVER, just SOMETHING to acknowledge they (the writers) recognize that Convenient Super Bad Ghosts Are Convenient.

IT'S KETCH, BITCHES!

I love this character. What a breath of fresh air that snarky piece of ass has been. I hope he doesn't get killed. He will. Because we can't have anything good. But there is some good, which is the Ketch-Rowena flirting. Honestly, I'm fine with Rowena getting action from anyone. She's awesome and she's earned it. Ketch is primo catch, though. (I'm not sorry for that sentence. I am, but I'm not.)

The repeated use of Belphagor's name pleases myself and my podcast co-host. Should you wish to know more about that demon, please do check out our podcast. Don't look him up first, trust us. That they have chosen this particular demon's name is just *chef's kiss*, though I do hope it's not a foreshadowing for how the rest of the season is going to go. Okay fine, I'll spoil it: he's a shit demon. He deals in poo. Literally. I'm not lying. Go forth to the podcast @youtotallymadethatup​ - just about every post links you to where you can listen. /shameless self-promo

IT'S AMARA, BITCHES!

Let's hope that wardrobe does her better than that ill-fitting black dress this go 'round, she deserves better.

"You're the darkness, I'm the light."

STOP IT. STOP. FUCK. STOP.

Are we still in this little town?

Blah blah blah Castiel Dean angst repeating essentially what's already been said at the end of 14 and last week blah. "You know what's real? We are." Not if it's an alternate timeline, my love. 

I keep forgetting just how many spaced-out chains you need to have strewn about your standard meat packing plant and/or factory, well played, set dec and props. That.... that was sarcasm.. (Look, I got no beef with the crew, they're just playing the cards they've been dealt, and their hands are garbage, just a pile of same ol' same ol' stereotypical, unimaginative stuff, so bless them. I hope every single one of them has a job lined up next year, truly. They have more than paid their dues and earned it. Lord knows especially since certain parties took the reins, good night nurse. I've digressed. )

IT’S KEVIN BI----

This is dumb. This is actually dumb. In case you didn't see my half-time post, and I quote:

That is *three* in under twenty minutes. Like, it’s episode 2. You’re blowing your wad. Pace yourselves. AND MAYBE SOME STORY ADVANCING, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME

This bullet thing could be hella interesting. It *could* be. I wonder if it will be. 

These ghosts are painfully uninteresting. The guy playing the Ripper is horribly miscast. This needed to be someone who... who.... I dunno, is a good actor. He's not. Sorry, Pops. I mean, even Osric (who is an excellent actor) couldn't elevate that scene.

This episode is painful.

Are we still in this little town?

Ketch got knocked out, left alone with ghost, deffo gonna get possessed. 

Are we still talking to these ghosts? Why? Why is Kevin thinking he can go up against them alone? I'm not exactly sure what threat they are to him, can't he just disappear and whoosh somewhere else? I missed something, I must've missed something. It doesn't matter, none of this matters.

Okay, Belphagor says there's at least a hundred. Still, what would that be, like 1/2500000000th of hell? Why are the Winchesters, of all people, and now Rowena concentrating on this stupid little town----

Are. We. Still. In. This. Little. Town.

---why in the fuck aren't the most renowned hunters of modern time and their angel friend and the powerful witch friend and the friend with immense tactical knowledge regarding weaponry for supernatural shit not at the bunker strategizing and planning and... and... and.... I just.... 

Lookit, I've said this before: especially in fantasy/sci-fi stuff, if you are logical in every possible place you can be, if you nail the simple shit, then the audience is exponentially more likely to buy into the fantastical stuff, and also to be more forgiving (or not notice altogether) when you inevitably whiff, because nobody's perfect, of course. But this show in later years has notoriously screwed the pooch on the easy stuff, and here we are, in some needlessly convoluted mess right out of the gate in the last season ever.

::sighs::

Oh, look. Because of course he's possessed. You left him alone with a ghost. I'm neither a professional writer nor a psychic, I'm just thinking "What is predictable as possible?" and saying that. You try it. It's worked for me so far.

"I tried to heal him it didn't work" - well maybe he's still residually possessed. Or maybe you suck. Sorry Cas, you don't deserve that. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's them. It's the writers. I don't know what this line is about unless they're teeing up Cas to be even more neutered than he already is. I legit don't know, I can't think, I'm so irritated right now. 

"Nothing to hold you anywhere" - what? Really? Seriously? So what are you and Dean? Y'all ain't his family? Let that little badass haunt the bunker. He'd be the most awesome research assistant ever. Now THAT is a good plot point, have ol' Kev be home base, helping coordinate whatever's coming. Oh here we go, swishy swishy hand, magic hole, nobody knows why this demon can do all this shit, and Kevin's gone. Why? WHY. My idea is better. No way Osric would blow your guest star budget, it appears to be shaping up to be immense, especially with all the money you've saved so far on location(s). 

Shoulda kept him rest of season, let him assist, then his final reward is getting into heaven for reals when Cas (they'll probs kill him, tho) or Amara (maybe, seems too obvi a choice tho, and she doesn't give a shit about beng a ruler, we knew that back in whatever season that was) or Jack (because why not, it's the most ridiculous idea, since he's got the mind of a toddler, meaning it's something the writers would think is a great idea) or Billie (wild card guess) is the new God. Or have him brought back to life, fuck, I don't care.

So is the bullet trapping Chuckster on earth, is the question, and if so what kind of all-knowing deity puts a weapon in the hand of a potential enemy that could render him even a *touch* weaker? Where's the long game, there? What could any possible reasoning be? 

Okay, well, the scenes between Emily and Rob have been the best part of the episode, as well as the interaction with Ruthie and DHJ. Everything else fell flat. J2M seemed to be bored and phoning it in, and it's not often that can be said about any of those three.

I swear, if the preview shows that we're still in this little town for episode #3.... wait, is that the crypt from ep #1?.... are.... are we..... 

ARE WE STILL IN THIS LITTLE TOWN

What have we learned? Other than Chuck, no character development. The plot remains that some ghosts-interchangeably-used-with-souls from hell are trapped in a confined area, and it was via a tenuous spell provided by a demon whose motivations are unknown, and there's something up with that bullet wound. We knew those already.

(There's possibly something wrong with either Cas or Ketch -- or else that's something that will be completely forgotten was ever mentioned -- but we don't know either way and we don't know what it is, therefore we didn't learn anything; if this does ultimately turn out to be something, then we'll count it as a learned item for that episode.) 

So, minus learning that Chuck is weakened somehow and that at least for right now Amara’s not exactly in his corner, we're in the exact same place story-wise that we were in last week. 

And looks like we'll be back there again next week. 

See you next week, I guess.

=================================

Past posts, from newest to oldest (and I sometimes do addendums if a response warrants)

Episode 1

.

[advb16]

Would someone please pack some snacks, take me out to the woods, and shoot me? That way I can at least be useful as food.

Hit some serious milestones(?) recently. And I do mean I just drove head-on into some rocks.

Professional

Just hit my 5 year anniversary of passing the bar. That was a real kick in the face because I just started at a new firm, in a new city, in a new practice area, and I feel just as lost and stupid as I did my first day of practice. Except now, I’m too exhausted to give a fuck and learn all this new law. 

This is all compounded by learning a new file management system that is THE STUPIDEST THING. I’m not allowed to make any new sub-folders, and there is no consistent naming convention. So got a big case? Need to find that one, crucial piece of discovery? Let’s hope you are a Bolean search MASTER. Oh wait, that still won’t work because the search function is garbage.

Anyway. Interestingly, this is a vast improvement from my old job (small-medium firm, small town, family law). What this has made me realize, more so than ever, that I should not have gone to law school, and I would never do it again. With that said, there’s nothing else I’m good enough at doing to make this kind of money. It’s bloody depressing.

Personal

Tl;dr - boyfriend moved at the speed of light for the first three months. I finally bought in, and decided to really go for it with him, and now he’s backing off.

So. 16 weeks ago we went on our first date. We had a pretty intense, instant connection. Talked about the serious stuff, kids, money, careers, life goals, relationship talk, etc. It was a lot. By the second date he said he had stopped talking to other people on dating apps, and wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was in no way ready to be exclusive, but he kept coming for me. Took me a little over a month to agree to be exclusive. Four weeks later he drops the “I love you.” 

Once again, I am stuck being the asshole that has to be all that’s awesome, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not going to lie to you. Which... that fucking sucks. We ended up having a couple freakin’ awesome weekends together, including his birthday weekend (day with his friends, they’re great, then a super chill day with just us, some road tripping, gd magical) and I decided, fuck it. And I say it back. I know I know, “fuck it” doesn’t sound like the right way to go about it, but hear me out.

I was thinking, I have all these feels; maybe it’s love? I haven’t been in a reciprocal, loving relationship in a very long time. He’s doing all the things I want from a partner: communicating, texting me all the time, saying good morning, saying goodnight, very affectionate, great sex (not enough of it, but I guess that’s just being a woman in her 30s dating a man also in his 30s), open about his goals for the relationship and for his life, and open about his struggles. He is seeking a long-term, serious relationship, he has done the emotional growth, or at least started the process, he’s identified those areas where he needs work and is actively tackling those things, he likes his job and has career goals, and he has his finances sorted (he’s not looking for someone to support him). All the things I want, but these alarm bells just keep going off in my head. And keep going off. And keep going off. 

Now, I have to give him so much credit because he engages in the hard conversations. Not only engages when I bring stuff up, but also starts them. And I know I’m exhausted with the new job, and when I’m tired, I am... not great. Now, I won’t bore you with the details, but we end up having some very, very, very heavy conversations, and we discovery that we both feel like we’re failing the other person and ourselves. We both feel like we’re walking on eggshells, like we can’t get anything right, and that we can’t really be ourselves with the other person (fucking sucks, right?!). This is followed by the revelation that by maintaining my deep desire to not be a “burden” I had made him feel unwanted. And when he feels unwanted, he doesn’t see a point in being around (fair). 

So now we’ve had this groundbreaking discovery: he thinks it’s great that I have needs because then he has a job. Look at that! We’re both getting our needs met! It should also be noted, that I perceive the giving of affection as being needy (I’m a very fucked up person; we’ll leave it at that) which meant his need(s) for affection and attention weren’t being met. So in my efforts to make sure I wasn’t burdening him with all my neediness, I was also denying him the expression of the love I allegedly felt for him. Seems silly now, but it was a seriously eye opening moment for me.

Super exciting, right?! We’re on the same page, everything is awesome, we’re now moving forward together, and we’re totally committed to each other and our relationship.

Sidenote: I feel like now is a good time to mention that he has already brought up marriage, on multiple occasions. First time, was one week after our first date when he sent me a meme about being wife material, then in the text said “replace wife with with GF.” Also, he was married previously; divorced about four years ago. In that same conversation with the wife meme, he invited me to join him four months later at a four-day music festival two states away, during which time I would meet his brother, his sister-in-law and his nieces........

Anyway, we’re stupid happy, and I, like the fool of a Took I am, took him at his word that he was all in, this serious, committed relationship is what he wanted etc and I invited him to an old friend’s wedding that’s in about six weeks. His response? “Oh wow. That’s a lot. That’s huge.” To which I responded, I’m sorry. It’s what now? What did I fucking miss?! Then him, “I’m just kind of freaking out.”

what.the.actual.fuck.

So now all my alarm bells are going off again because why the fuck wouldn’t they?! This motherfucker ran immaculate game to get to a place where he is comfortable, and secure, and doesn’t need to move things forward. In fact, he’s doing exactly what I predicted, and told him I was terrified would happen: I hold out, then as soon as I finally open up and commit, you run away. And look! I was right! Exactly as predicted, right on time.

I made the mistake of rereading the first few weeks of our texts. I know people say things, exaggerate, whatever, at the beginning to look good. They do things that aren’t necessarily sustainable, that will fade over time, and reasonably so! But I feel like I’ve had partners at 3 years deep making more of an effort to engage with me and really check-in with me than he is at 3 months deep. For example, we chatted on the phone earlier for a bit, and the entire conversation was him talking about himself. His only reference to me or my well being was a statement along the lines of, “you must just be working.” I don’t need him to drag things out of me, but I use questions to gauge interest. If someone isn’t asking any questions, it’s a pretty good indicator that they aren’t interested in me much less my well-being or the banalities of my day. So if he’s not making an effort to see me (he’s not a planner, but still), he’s not curious about me, and the prospect of a low-key wedding terrifies him, how much do I really mean to him? Is this relationship what he actually wants, or is it what he’s telling himself he’s supposed to want at this stage of life?

Part of me thinks this could be the love of a lifetime, and I definitely want it to be that. Then that part is challenged by the fact that maybe I’m blinded by the blissful moments because if this chucklefuck is getting cold feet at the idea of going to a friend’s wedding around the 6-month mark of dating (he won’t even be meeting my family) after he’s spent the last three months blowing past relationship milestones at 160 mph, then what the actual fuck?

Mental

This circles back to the end of my professional update. 

I have been so fucking depressed. For almost a year now. Got out of a less than healthy relationship, which made things worse for a while because it highlighted some stuff. Got a new job, which is a lot better, but being a lawyer certainly doesn’t help anything. Got a new relationship after dating a lot. And I do mean, a lot.... fuck.... so many first dates. And it’s a good relationship! I mean, when it’s good it is practically perfect, but it has been so much work. I get that anything good requires effort and work, but shit. This has been so heavy from the start.

And it just.... like... why? What am I even doing here? Using clean water and making a giant ass carbon footprint? Just consuming things? I’m not helping. I’m not making the world better. I’m just... here.... and I don’t want to be here. I haven’t wanted to be here for a very long time. My suicidal ideation keeps getting worse. I’ve brought it up to my therapist, but he isn’t super concerned. To be fair to him, I haven’t been completely honest about the severity.... I know! I know... But I can’t stand the thought of disappointing him. We’ve made such incredible progress, and how annoying must I be to come back like, yeah, I beat my night terrors, I beat the cancer, I got the job, got the boy, and I have more than enough of everything, but let me just be a whiny bitch about the meaning of life real quick.

The last couple days have been extra difficult because my platonic life partner, and for the last three years roommate, just moved out. A few months ago I had a full plan. Everything laid out, ready to go, even got halfway through, then stopped because I knew she’d be the one to find me, and I couldn’t do that to her.

Nothing looks the way I thought it would at 32. I’m glad it doesn’t look like what I thought it would at 20, but shit. Even at 30 looking towards 32, it didn’t look like this. It wasn’t this bleak. It didn’t feel this pointless.

I have no idea why I’m putting this on the internet. I think tumblr is the most appropriate place for this kind of into the void scream/crying, so here you go. It also helps to know that no one will read this.

[eternalnight8806-3]

Ch 1. The Cat and the Fox

Here’s another chapter fic for you guys!

@keichanz @noviceotakus-blog

Also available on AO3 and ff.net

Category: Romance, Modern College AU

Rating: Will be Explicit but for now I’ll just say Mature for language and drinking

Words: 4,541

Backstory on my universe: Humans know of the existence of demons, but they don't usually intermingle. Demons keep to themselves in their own areas of the world and humans do the same. Hanyou children are practically unheard of, though 1 or 2 will be born every hundred years or so. They are treated as less than by the demon community and with fear from the humans. Neither world truly accepts them. InuYasha lives amongst humans because his mother, Izayoi, was human. He often wears a hat or something of the like to hide his ears from humans. They always treat him with disdain when they learn what he is. The only person other than his mother to treat him well is Miroku, his childhood friend. His father died shortly after his birth, but no one knows exactly what happened to the InuTaisho. Izayoi died when InuYasha was 17. He is now 20 and attending human university studying culinary arts. He loves food and he figured if no one knew a hanyou was making their food then they couldn't complain. He lives in a frat house under scholarship.

Please let me know what you guys think!

“Miroku, this is by far the stupidest thing you've ever convinced me to do.” InuYasha stated as he looked at himself in the mirror. He wore a well fitted long tailed black tuxedo complete with red cummerbund and bowtie. A red lace fox type mask covered his face but accentuated his deep amber eyes. His waist long white-silver hair hung loosely.

Miroku walked by and gently flicked one of InuYasha's white dog ears atop his head. “Quit complaining. You have to stop hiding up here every time the house hosts a fucking party, dude. If you're going to be a brother, you have to do brother stuff. That includes this masquerade Halloween party.”

A loud thunk could be heard reverberating throughout the room as InuYasha smacked Miroku across the back of his head. “You know I can't fucking stand it when you touch my ears, asshole.”

Miroku rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, yeah. Just quit whining. It's going to be more fun than you think. Just wait and see!” Miroku winked at his friend as he grabbed his own Phantom of the Opera style mask off of his dresser and slipped it on his face. “How do I look?” He asked as he did an overly dramatic twirl.

“Fucking stupid.” InuYasha grumbled. He looked down at his own feet, covered with brand new dress shoes he had somehow been conned into buying. “These fucking shoes pinch my feet. I ain't wearing 'em.” With that, he flicked each one off of his foot and threw them towards Miroku's half of their shared room.

Miroku just shook his head at his friend. “Suit yourself. But you're not getting out of going. You better be down in five minutes or upperclassman Kuno will have both our asses.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” he said as Miroku walked out of the room to join the party that was already in full swing downstairs.

Taking one last look at himself in the mirror, InuYasha sighed. He wiggled his toes on the hardwood floor, enjoying the freedom of not having the restrictive shoes. Never in his life had he worn anything other than flip flops when he wore shoes at all. Absolutely refusing to put the dress shoes back on, InuYasha said a quiet “Fuck it,” to himself as he stormed out of the room barefoot to join his frat brothers and their stupid party.

“Sango, I don't know how you talked me into this outfit.”

Sango side eyed her best friend in the passenger seat of her car. “Kagome, you look smoking. Every guy will love it.”

“Well yeah! Only because it's so tight I can't breathe!” She fiddled with the drawstring on the corset of her skin tight faux leather catwoman costume.

“Kagome, we're in college now. We're supposed to wear sexy Halloween costumes to dumb parties!”

Kagome pouted in her seat. She knew her friend was just trying to help her have fun and try new things, but this outfit made her extremely uncomfortable. It was so low cut she might as well not have a top on in her opinion. The drawstring in the front didn't really function to hold it closed, but more to draw more attention to her breasts. The pants did make her ass look good, she could admit that much, but she was afraid if she sat down she'd bust a seam. The only things about the costume she didn't mind were the simple black face mask and cute cat ears.  “Fine. But if my ass comes out of these pants you're going to regret making me buy this.”

Sango laughed. “Fair enough,” she said as she pulled into the parking lot nearest the most infamous party frat on Shikon University's property, B.E.W. She pulled out the final piece of her own costume, a thin light pink cloth eye mask and put it on. Looking over at Kagome she inquired, “How do I look?”

Kagome sized her up. The girl wore a tight fitting black sexy ninja costume. Her own top was cut lower than Kagome's, showing off her ample assets. A pink sash adorned her slim waist, holding her fake sword in place. She had to admit she looked damn good. “Amazing,” she answered honestly.

Smiling, Sango opened her door and yelled, “Let's do this shit!” as she climbed out. Kagome shook her head at her friend and opened her own door to follow.

An hour later, Kagome was completely trashed. Sango had thrust cup after cup of beer in her hand, determined to get her friend as drunk as possible. But now Kagome hadn't seen Sango in atleast 20 minutes, ever since one of the frat boys in a Phantom of the Opera mask had asked her to dance with him. Stumbling in her stiletto heals, Kagome found herself firmly planted into someone's very hard back.

“What the fu-” InuYasha turned just in time to see an obviously drunk girl start to fall backwards. He reached out reflexively and wrapped the girl up in his arms. A moment passed where he simply held her to his chest before he looked down at her. His breath hitched in his throat when chocolate eyes met his own. Even through her face mask and his drunken stupor, he knew this girl was beautiful. “You ok?” he asked her.

Smiling up at the man who had kept her from unceremoniously falling on her stupidly drunk ass, Kagome nodded. She was enamored with the effort this guy had put into his costume. The long white wig, the absolutely adorable white ears on his head, and the enchanting amber contacts that she couldn't stop staring at.  

InuYasha slowly let the girl go, making sure she was steady on her feet. A worried frown crossed his features. This girl was beyond incapable of getting home safely and he didn't see anyone around who seemed to be with her. Had she been stupid enough to come to a party alone?  “Hey, you alone?” He asked her, gruffly.

Kagome had been busy staring at his bare feet. She wondered where his shoes had gone. Slowly, she looked back up into those gorgeous eyes. Some of the fogginess cleared from her brain and she realized he'd asked her a question. “Hmm?”

InuYasha was a bit foggy himself, having drank half a keg in order to stand being around this many people at once. It took him a moment to register that she hadn't heard him. “Did you come with someone?” His ears twitched slightly, trying to hear only her above all the party noise.

She nodded, lazily, but didn't speak. Her eyes were glued to the top of his head, watching his ears. She could have sworn they had just moved. Shaking her head slightly, she told herself she was just way too drunk at the moment.

Growing irritated with the girl, InuYasha waved his hand in front of her face. “Hey, do you need help finding them or somethin'?”

Kagome giggled and swayed on her feet. “She's a ninja!” she managed to say between bursts of laughter. “You'll never find her!”

Shaking his head, InuYasha put his drink down and took the girls' hand in his own. He knew he would feel guilty as hell if he just left her alone. His mother had taught him better than that. “C'mon. Lets get you some water and try to find your ninja.”

A shock went through her hand when this man grabbed hers. Secretly, she wondered if he felt it too. She allowed him to lead her upstairs and into a bedroom, presumably his own. Dropping her hand, he went to a small mini fridge in the corner and took out a bottle of water and handed it to her. Taking it from him, she looked around the room nervously.

Seeing her discomfort, InuYasha worked to quell her fears, “I promise I ain't gonna hurt ya or nothin'. The kitchen's just nothing but beer and dumbshits right now.”

Kagome nodded once and opened the water to take a sip. She watched the man slump down on the bed in the far corner of the room and tuck his feet under himself. Unconsciously, she walked over and sat next to him. She didn't notice when her hand brushed his thigh on her way down.

InuYasha gulped when her hand trailed over his thigh. His eyes turned her way as she sat next to him, seemingly unaware of what she had done. Clearing his throat, he tried to break the tension, “So, catwoman, huh?”

Kagome looked down at herself and the costume Sango had picked out for her. She snorted. “My friend made me.”

InuYasha looked fully at her this time and smiled. “Yeah, mine too,” he said as he gestured to his own outfit.

“Oh, I think it's adorable!” Kagome exclaimed. “What an awesome fox you make!” She flashed him her own smile.

“Keh.” He decided to let her think it was a costume. That was the point afterall. “Not as good as yours,” he said, trying to pull the focus away from himself. Though he was finding it strangely easy to talk to this girl.

The pair sat like that for a long while, talking about themselves, though strangely never telling eachother their names. Somehow, it never came up. Kagome told him of leading a sheltered life as a private school girl. Her father had died when she was young but he had left her family with enough money to allow both her and her brother to get the education he thought they should have. She informed him she was studying to become a teacher.

InuYasha told her of losing his mother 3 years ago and the fact that he didn't really fit in anywhere. However, he did not tell her why. They talked about his culinary arts major and his love of food. Almost any food to be honest. InuYasha was not picky by nature. They spoke of his love of the outdoors and how if he could he would sleep outside every night. She told him she'd love to see the stars without all the light pollution the city had. Secretly, he knew a place they could go for such a pleasure, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her that.

Time passed quickly and not even InuYasha noticed when the noise downstairs started to fade. He was so enamored with this girl. Never would he know what caused him to have the courage to ask her what he asked her next. “Hey, do ya think I could have your number?” Panicking immediately at what had come out of his mouth, he tried to back peddle slightly, “Um, just so I know you're ok tomorrow and everything?”

Silently, she held her hand out for his phone, smiling at him. He watched her in awe as she typed her number into his phone. She handed it back to him just as an extremely drunk Sango stumbled into the room.

“There you are!” she shouted. InuYasha flattened his ears to the screeching. “I've been looking everywhere for you!” Kagome stood and went to support her friend, herself being almost sober at this point. She gave InuYasha an apologetic look as she wrapped her friend's arm around her shoulder and began to help her downstairs.

InuYasha didn't miss that her friend had indeed been wearing a ninja costume. He chuckled quietly as he got up to rid himself of the stupid clothes and mask. He fell back down on to his bed face first and quickly drifted off to sleep, dreaming of deep brown eyes and a beautiful smile.

The next morning, InuYasha awoke with a pounding headache. The light streaming in through the window was making him want to curse the sun's existence. Slowly, he sat up and rubbed his aching head. He noticed that Miroku had fallen into bed fully clothed at some point in the night. Shaking his head at his friend, he moved to get up when memories from the night before came flooding back to him.

The image of chocolate brown eyes and perfectly pouty lips assailed him. Forgetting his pounding head for the moment, InuYasha sat there and thought about the events of the previous night. This girl had willed things out of him with so much ease. She had seemed comfortable in his presence. He, the master of few words, had spoken to her for literal hours and not once had he become bored or felt like he was annoying her. That's when the last few moments they spent together hit him like a tanker truck. She had given him her number!

With speed only he could muster, InuYasha reached for his phone and quickly unlocked it. It was still on the page that she had entered her number on. She hadn't saved it, but luckily his phone hadn't died overnight. He also noticed she hadn't put in a name. Shrugging, he quickly filled in “Catwoman” in the name slot and clicked the save button.

Seeing it was well after noon, he decided it was safe to check on her and her friend. He typed a quick message to her.

Hope you and your drunk ninja made it home ok

He sat the phone back on his nightstand and went about his normal morning routine, with the addition of pounding back half a dozen Tylenol to stave off his hangover headache. Since no one else was awake, he moved at lightning speed getting himself cleaned up and ready for the day, including piling his hair into a messy bun over his ears and planting a red beanie on his head. All the frat brothers know about him being a hanyou, but he didn't know who had crashed here after the party. He didn't need that drama.

The frat brothers had initially not wanted InuYasha in with them, but Miroku coaxed them into it. It had taken him over a year but he finally felt like most of them didn't absolutely hate his guts. Miroku was still the only one he could call a friend, but the others were starting to atleast try.

Coming back into his bedroom, he noticed a text message notification. He picked up his phone and saw it was from the mysterious Catwoman.

All safe. She's still passed out. The sun woke me up along with the worst headache of my life. I'm never going to drink again.

Letting out a rumbling laugh, he typed out a reply.

Yeah. Me too. I can't believe we let our friends talk us into this bullshit

On the other side of campus, Kagome smiled when she saw her mystery savior had replied to her message. She had nicknamed him “Foxy” both in her head and in her phone. Both because of his fox costume and because she just knew he would be. Smiling at his reply, she thought about what to say next to him.

Thanks for taking care of me last night. I was a real mess. Sorry about that.

His reply was almost instant.

Don't mention it. I've dealt with much worse

She quirked an eyebrow.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. My asshole best friend likes to get so drunk he can't stand every other night. I've seen everything from him blubbering like a baby to him puking all over my feet.

A few moments passed and she received another message from Foxy.

Sorry. That was probably too much.

Sango began to stir in the bed across from her. Kagome typed quickly.

Not at all. But my friend is starting to wake up finally and I'm probably going to have to hold her hair all day. See you!

She didn't have to wait long for a reply.

Have her drink lots of water and aspirin. I hear it helps. Glad you guys are ok.

Putting her phone back down on the nightstand, Kagome went over to check on Sango.

“Owwwwwww.” Sango mumbled as she slowly sat up. Rubbing her temples with both her hands she asked, “What the hell happened last night?”

Kagome sat next to her and handed her a glass of water and two aspirin. “Well, you abandoned me to dance with a frat boy and I slept with the first guy I bumped into.”

Sango's head whipped around so fast that Kagome could have sworn she heard the swoosh of the wind it made. “You did what?!?!”

Kagome burst out laughing and immediately regretted it. Clutching her head in her hand, she replied, “No, Sango. Of course not. Though I did talk to one for a while.”

Sango breathed a visible sigh of relief. “Jesus Christ Kagome. You about gave me a heart attack.”

Smiling at her friend, Kagome said “Sorry. I had to pay you back for abandoning me somehow.”

A look of remorse crossed her friend's features. “Damn, Kagome. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I swear.”

“I know you didn't. It's ok. I forgive you. Did you have fun, atleast?”

Nodding, Sango lifted her phone from its place on her nightstand and opened it. Kagome watched as she flipped through a few pictures before settling on one to show her. Looking at the offered picture, Kagome noticed that the Phantom frat boy had taken his mask off. He had semi short black hair tied in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. Two gold hoop earrings adorned his left ear and one his right. He had dark, kind looking eyes. “He's cute.” Kagome stated, truthfully.

Pulling her phone away, Sango nodded. “Yeah, he is. His name's Miroku. But god he's so handsy.”

Kagome giggled. “And that's a problem for you why exactly?”

Sango shouldered her friend. “Hey! I'm not that bad.”

“Uh huh.”

Sango glowered playfully. “Did you have fun?”

Kagome nodded. “Yeah. I really did spend most of the night talking to a guy.”

Sango raised an eyebrow. “Did you now?”

“Don't act so surprised!”

Raising a hand in mock defeat, “Hey, if the shoe fits...”

“Sango I swear!”

Laughter was her only response for a moment. “So, did you and mystery guy do more than talk?” She waggled her eyebrows.

Slapping her friend lightly, “No! I did give him my number though. He texted me earlier to make sure we made it home ok.”

“Ooo. He sounds sweet, Kagome. He got a name?”

“Foxy.”

A puzzled look crossed her friend's face. “Foxy?”

Kagome played with the end of her hair, nervously. “We never actually exchanged names. He was dressed like a fox so I nicknamed him Foxy.”

“How did you never get his name?”

Shrugging, “I don't know. It just never came up. We talked about pretty much everything else, though. He's a culinary arts major.”

“A guy that can cook. Good choice! Though you might want to know his name.”

“I don't even know what he really looks like. His costume was super elaborate. He had a wig and contacts even.”

“Wow. Commitment.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, maybe you guys can meet in the light of day.”

“I don't know, Sango. We were both pretty drunk. He may not like what he sees sober.”

Sango's eyes rolled. “You're hot, Kagome. But whatever. Suit yourself.” She stood and stretched. “I'm gonna go shower.”

“K.” Kagome watched her friend grab her shower caddy and bathrobe and exit their dorm room before she stood and went to pick up her phone again. Her finger hovered over the message app for a solid minute before finally working up the courage to type.

My friend's all good. How's yours?

InuYasha pulled his phone from his back pocket when he felt it vibrate while stirring his pot of ramen with his other hand. Yeah, he was a culinary arts major, but he was still a poor college student and the stuff was actually pretty damn good. Smiling to himself upon seeing that Catwoman had texted him, he quickly opened the message and read it.

Not awake yet. Probably gonna sleep all fucking day. Lazy bastard.

Lol. That's not very nice.

What can I say? I'm blunt.

An honorable quality. Hey, I have a question for you if that's ok?

Shoot.

He turned off the stove and took the giant pot of ramen to the couch with a fork and proceeded to dig in wholeheartedly.

Why were you so nice to me last night? Most guys would've tried to... you know.

Chuckling at her obvious innocence he typed one handed.

No. Please tell me what most guys would've done? ;)

I'm glowering at you right now, you jerk.

What? I'm not the one who can't say the words tried to fuck my brains out.

A series of emojis were his reply, most of which relayed shock and anger.

Lol. Sorry. I was just messing with ya. Mostly it's cause of my mom. She taught me to help people in need if I can.

I'm really sorry she died. She sounds like a really good mom.

InuYasha stood and went to go put his empty ramen pot in the sink.

She was. I really miss her.

A loud kerthunk from upstairs made InuYasha sigh loudly.

I think my room mate just fell out of bed. Gotta go. TTYL?

Look forward to it. Hope your room mate is ok. :)

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, InuYasha took the stairs two at a time back up to his room. He was met with the sight of Miroku attempting to stand and falling right back down on his ass. Rolling his eyes, InuYasha went over and offered his hand to the fumbling man. Miroku looked up and grabbed the offered hand, pulling himself up slowly. He rubbed his head and yawned before asking, “What happened to you last night?”

InuYasha's face blushed slightly. “I, uh, was helpin' someone.”

Miroku took notice of his friend's flushed face and smirked. “Oh yeah? And how did you help them exactly?”

“She was drunk off her ass and alone. Didn't feel right leaving her.”

“Oh! A damsel in distress! Do tell, InuYasha.” Miroku plopped unceremoniously back down on his bed.

“Ain't nothin' to tell. I gave her water. We talked. Her friend showed up and they left. End of story.”

“Oh come now, InuYasha. Surely there is more to it than that?”

A long pause reverberated through the room before he received an answer. “Well, she did give me her number...”

A knowing smile spread across Miroku's face. “And does this damsel have a name?”

“Yeah.”

“Well? What is it?”

“Dunno.”

Miroku narrowed his eyes. “What does that mean?”

“It means I don't know, dumbass. She never told me.”

“You mean you talked to this girl for a period of time, and she gave you her number, but not her name?”

“Yep.”

Miroku sighed. “Well, I suppose you can always ask her later.”

“I guess... just seems kinda awkward now, though.”

Shaking his head at his friend, Miroku changed the subject. “I however, met an angel last night. She's the perfect woman, InuYasha.”

“You say that about every woman, pervert.”

“No, man. I mean it. She's beautiful. And sassy. And just... perfect.”

“If you say so. Look, I've gotta go to the library and get some books for class tomorrow. You cool?”

“Yeah, man. I already feel sober.”

“Suuuure ya do. Yell at Kuno if ya need anything.”

“Yep.” InuYasha snatched his bookbag from the floor and practically flew from the room.

This time of day on a Sunday it was easy for him to run through campus without getting weird looks from the other students, mostly because he might see one or two at most. His feet bounded easily off of the pavement as he ran towards the library. InuYasha loved running like this. It felt freeing. The only problem with it was sometimes he would reach his destination faster than he would have liked and had to end the fun. He really needed to find some sort of release.

Entering the library with a flourish, his eyes were drawn to the bulletin board to the right of the door. He was always on the lookout for odd jobs or something to help him earn some extra cash. It was difficult for him to find a real part time job with his... situation. Amber eyes scanned the many papers adorning the board. Some were looking for room mates, some were trying to sell books or furniture. The only help wanted thing he saw didn't interest him, but he knew someone it might. He took out his phone and snapped a picture.

Kagome had just returned from her own shower when she heard her phone ding. Scrubbing her hair with a towel with one hand, she lifted up the phone and looked at the message. She smiled to herself when she saw it was from Foxy. He had sent her a picture. She clicked on it to enlarge it.

“Help Wanted”

Part-time child care assistant

$12/hr -up to 20 hrs/wk

Students welcome

Will accommodate schedule

888-555-7685

Ask for Koga

Kagome's eyes widened in surprise. She had only briefly mentioned needing to find a part time job now that her money she had saved up over the summer was starting to become dangerously low. Not only had he remembered, he had even found something he thought she might enjoy.

How on earth did you remember?

I remember a lot. Saw it and thought of you is all. You wanna be a teacher right?

Kagome smiled down at her phone as she tossed both of her towels into the mesh hamper at the foot of her bed.

Very much. Thank you so much. This may just be a lifesaver.

Kagome dialed the number from the flyer. She bounced nervously on the balls of her feet waiting for an answer.

“Yoro North child care. Ayame speaking. How can I help you?”

“Yes, I saw a help wanted flyer. It said to ask for Koga?”

“Hold please.”

A few moments passed before a gruff male voice came to her ears.

“Koga here.”

“Yes, I saw the help wanted poster about the child care assistant...”

“Ah, yes. Are you available for an interview tomorrow afternoon?”

Smiling in spite of herself, Kagome nodded before realizing he couldn't see her through the phone.

“Y-yes. What time?”

“Three p.m.?”

“Absolutely. I'll be there. Thank you.”

“Wait, miss?”

“Y-yeah?”

A soft chuckle came through the receiver.

“Can I get your name for the appointment?”

“Oh! I'm so sorry. Kagome. Kagome Higurashi.”

“I look forward to meeting you miss Higurashi. See you tomorrow.”

“Yes. Thank you so much.”

Kagome waited for the tell tale click on the other end before pulling the phone away from her ear. Unwilling to give up her excitement, she quickly texted the man who had made her so happy.

I have an interview tomorrow!

She got a series of thumbs up and happy face emoji's in response.

Next >

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom review

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a dumb movie.

Now, if this were anyone else saying that, you could be sure that that is an insult indicative of the movie’s quality. But considering one of my favorite movies is a film about a demon-possessed bed that devours people who sleeps on it and feels like it was filmed by aliens who don’t understand human emotion and another of my favorite films is a movie written by, directed by, produced by, and starring the man who I think is the real-life version of Vandal Savage, we kind of need to go a bit deeper.

To me, there are three sorts of dumb movie: Hilariously Dumb, in which a film fails epically in what it sets out to do but ends up being enjoyable nonetheless (The Room is probably the example that stands out the best, but Saving Christmas and Battlefield Earth also come to mind), Just Plain Dumb in which the movie is just so inherently flawed there’s nothing to enjoy (I could list examples all day so let’s just say, uhhhh… The Emoji Movie, that’s the popular, relevant film to hate), and finally, and most importantly, Awesomely Dumb, a movie that turns being stupid into an art form but is just so damn cool doing it. Basically, it’s a stupid movie where you go in knowing what to expect, and you get it. The crowning achievement in this type of dumb is probably Pacific Rim, a movie so unabashedly dumb it is impossible to hate if you have a functioning brain. The Sharkando films also run on this principle. And let me tell you this, Fallen Kingdom runs on this principle too, because boy is this movie filled with stupid, but holy shit is it filled with awesome.

A few years after the events of the first movie and we have a public debate over whether the dinosaurs of Isla Nublar should be saved from extinction in light of an upcoming volcanic eruption that will wipe out the island. Jeff Goldblum in his two minute cameo at the start of the film thinks we should let them die as he explains the movies key concepts. Our old pal Claire disagrees, and after the super rich Benjamin Lockwood offers her the chance to save the dinosaurs - particularly Blue - she manages to rope Owen into helping out. What ensues is nothing short of the most epically stupid and stupidly epic series of dominoes ever seen, as bad things continue happening to the cast until the final act, where shit really hits the fan… the question is, can they make it out and maybe save the dinos from extinction? Or is this the final hurrah for the creations of John Hammond?

Let’s get the dumb out of the way first: there is so much wrong in this movie’s plot and how characters act you could write an essay on how stupid all these people behave. Why does this tech guy need to come to the island when he is shitting himself over literally everything? How do these tranqs that should be lethal to humans not kill humans? How does Chris Pratt not only survive being inches away from molten lava but also outrun a pyroclastic flow? How does Rexy keep being able to silently sneak up on people despite being the size of a house? How does… look, I could sit here all day and list the stupidity inherent in this film’s plot and the numerous artistic liberties taken with reality, but at the end of the day, doing all that is pointless for one very simple reason:

All of this is just so fucking fun.

Like yes, there is so much stupidity, but god is there a lot of fun. You have Ted Levine show up as a jerkass hunter, who manages to chew the scenery for all its worth and THEN do one of the single stupidest things in the entire movie in his final scene, something so absolutely beautifully stupid that another character in the scene pretty much breaks the fourth wall, amused as he is by the stupidity of Levine’s character. You have an evil auction of dinosaurs being shipped off to rich assholes, you have human cloning that may or may not have some raptor DNA involved, you have a new version of the I. rex except this time it’s a creepy-looking military-grade raptor, and you have explosions, lava, and dinosaurs galore.

The raptor, known as the Indoraptor, is easily the coolest thing in the movie. It harkens back not just to the villain of the first film - the raptor - but it harkens to all sorts of horror characters as well, from its Frankenstein genetics to its very Xenomorph-esque appearance and nature to its Nosferatu-inspired wall shadow moment to its deliciously gothic moment of roaring at the moon like a werewolf. Combined with its psychotic nature and its beautifully sadistic sense of humor, as well as its dragon-like design… well, we may get the closest we will ever see to Metroid’s Ridley on the big screen.

And that’s not to say there is no genuinely smart or well-done stuff. As depressingly short as it may be, Jeff Goldblum’s cameo is as good as everything else Jeff has been doing these past few years (though not up to the level of his performance in Ragnarok, sadly). The Mosasaurus, in its brief appearances, is nothing short of utterly terrifying, with the scene at the start of the film being nothing short of brilliant. That scene also gave Rexy some fun, and it is a fact she has never once had a bad showing in any of these films. There’s an awesome fight scene where Owen teams up with a dino and lays the smackdown to some goons, and there’s Blue, whose very existence is just an awesome moment. There’s a truly crushing, heartwrenching scene involving a brachiosaurus that, if you are a huge fan of the franchise, will leave you emotionally devastated for sure. And then there’s the ending. Oh sweet lord the ending. The ending opens up so many doors (literally) and fundamentally changes the meaning of a few things, including the title. Where this franchise goes from here is anyone’s guess, but by god is it going to be epic.

This movie is fun, plain and simple, a grand “turn off your brain and enjoy” action adventure. I wouldn’t say it’s anywhere near as good as the first one in terms of story, but by god does it deliver on action and adventure more than the first one. We’ve got a cast of likable characters, some truly “love to hate” villains, a lot of cool dinosaurs, explosions out the ass, Rexy and Blue, and a big fucking body count. This is the awesomely dumb dino mayhem Carnosaur wished it could be. Temper your expectations, check your brain at the door, and find a way to cope with the fact that Jeff Goldblum only appears for maybe four minutes, and you will most definitely have a fun time.

[just-a-bunch-of-thoughts]

How do I get over a relationship that didn't even start?

"Hey, there" someone said at my back as I was typing on my computer, ready to finish the day. I turned around and there she was, the most annoying lazy ass girl from work. "Arriving late as always?" I asked.

She stepped besides me and with the stupidest smile on her face she said “Wow someone is in a bitchy mood today”

“It was a long night and I should have gone ten minutes ago” 

She smiled again “It takes me an hour to come”

“Then wake your ass an hour earlier” I turned off my computer.

I could tell she was about to say something, a stupid excuse for sure, like always. But before she could even open her mouth we heard two people getting through the door.

It was another girl from work walking towards us with a guy.

"Hey girls. This is... the person who will ripped your heart out of your chest, throw it on the floor and stepped on it

Ok, no, but seriously, let's just call him… Jack.

"Nice to meet you" he said looking at us.

"Nice to meet you too" I said and left after we had a little talk where I wished him good luck. That was the beginning. That's how we met.

 But certainly that wasn't the beginning of our journey.  The story of how he broke my heart started a month after that day.

As you could probably notice thanks to the beginning of this story, I was not really interested in Jack at first. Not even a bit. I mean, he was cute do not get me wrong but he wasn't particularly my type of guy. Not the guy that appears in my head whenever someone ask what type of guy do you I like.

About a month later we started to share shift and that's how we became friends. All was good back then, Jack was an awesome coworker and also a very good friend. We started to talk more and more and that's when it all started to get a little uncomfortable cause people at work used to tell us how cute we were, and how an amazing couple we could be… suuure.

Anyway, as time passed by I started to develop feelings towards him.

Mind you, I am the type of person who believes in love at first sight (not really love, but you know, a strong attraction). I always thought and believed with all my heart that love starts thanks to a physical attraction... I know, I know, that's very superficial but that's how I truly thought love was before I knew mr. not so handsome but yet the most amazing person in the entire world.

Jack was always so nice to me, always treating me like if I was the most important person in his life. Always looking to make me smile. Always listening. Always taking care of me. And the most important thing, he was always there for me…

So, yeah… when I realized how much I liked him I was surprised, pleasantly surprised.

One night while I was at a party I told him I was talking with my friends about him. "Really? What are you saying?" he asked me. "That... I like you" I answered. 

That night he told me that he felt the same way. Then, the first date came. He asked me to see him after work which I did.

I was so nervous, I really was. During my way my hands were sweaty and my heart was beating really fast. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and about what was about to happen. But as soon as I saw him waiting for me at the bus stop all my nerves disappeared. I can't even explain why, it just happened. I went off the bus and almost immediately his hand found mine.

We hold hands for the first time as he smiled at me and we started to walk down the street. All the time I kept trying to come up with things to talk because I didn't wanted to deal with an awkward silence but then, he stopped walking and then I just felt his lips on mine. I didn't kiss him back, not because I didn't want it. It was more because I was too shock to react. We kept walking and I said "Did you just stole a kiss from me?"

"Sorry" he said smiling. "I never kiss on the first date" I said pushing him softly while our hands were still holding each other, like if they had they own minds and didn't want to separate.

"I was dying to do it, I prepared all day".

After he said that, you cannot blame me to turned, stood on my toes and kissed him, and this time actually moving my lips. And that is how we started dating.  But like I said before. That didn't last. One day when we were talking about his ex (an uncomfortable but necessary topic) I found out that this girl was still looking for him, after cheating on him with one of his friends. Yes, you read well, ONE OF HIS FRIENDS.

Jack told me about their six years relationship and how hurt he was after what happened. And there was me, all sad listening to him because I couldn't believe someone could hurt him like that.

"She called me this morning" he said. Apparently the bitch was sorry after what she did and of course she wanted him back.

"Do you still love her?" I asked.

He looked at me and kissed my lips "I want to be with you, but I want to be honest, I don’t want to hide you anything, I want this to work"

Jack told me how much he liked to be with me and how important I was becoming to him which made me feel safe.

“Just do not break my heart, it's kinda weak” I said, smiling a bit sad and after he promised he wouldn't we kissed.

LIAAAAAAR! Of course back then I just threw myself to his arms believing in every word he said.

The thing is that his ex never gave up. She became a shadow in our relationship. He would always talked about her:

"She called me again"

"She is suffering"

“She showed up at my house”

"She texted me"

Her this and that, that's all we were talking about. Appearing in every conversation we had. Until finally one day I had enough. We were texting late at night, and for some reason he decided it was a good time to tell me that early that day they saw each other.

“Are you serious?” I texted him, and then I got this huge replied telling me that she cheated on him with his friend because Jack wasn't like he used to be towards her anymore. That his friend was the one who was always there for her and that she thought she loved him. So she cheated on Jack because she didn’t want to hurt him by breaking with him (how cute of her, such a nice girl) but then Jack found out and she realized of what she did and she knew how much she fucked up everything.

The next thing I did was probably a big, BIIIIIG mistake, I’m sure that what I told him is the reason why I’m here in the first place writing our story. But it was the right thing to do, and sometimes (for not to say most of the times) doing the right thing is harder than being selfish and do what is best for us and only us. I texted him:

"People make mistakes Jack, but we all deserve a second chance. You still love her, I can see that. Learn to forgive and move on. I’m sure you two will be fine. As for me and what we have, I cannot keep up with this. I’m starting to have feelings for you and I don’t want to get hurt"

After that I kept seeing him writing and then deleting whatever he was writing for the next 5 minutes until I got my answer. To be completely honest I was hoping for him to say that he wanted me and that I was wrong. "I choose you over her" that's the message I was hoping to get. But instead I got this:

A sad emoji. Really?

I put my phone away and cried like a baby. A few minutes later he texted me saying that he was confused and he didn't mean to hurt me "What hurts me is that I'm sure you think I’m playing with you and that my feelings aren't real"

I mean, how couldn't I feel like that?

I asked this guy to not break my heart. I told him I wasn't ready to go through drama and yet there we were. Just a month after we started dating I was already with tears in my eyes and my heart all broken. "It's ok you just weren't ready to love me" I texted and then he said "But I do! And that's my point. You don’t know how much I truly wanted this to work". I did not answered back.

Very mature right? I acted like a strong girl. Well... I texted him back just a week later telling him I missed him and that I didn't want to lose him. I know. Shame on me. But can you guess his answered?

Ding ding ding! Yeah, another sad emoji! His favorite apparently.

I asked him what did it mean and he said he was sad. I understood it right away, and then I asked him "You two got back together, isn't?" (in just the week we stopped talking he already forgave her, the same week I spent crying all the time they were all happy and back together)

He answered with a “Yes, but it is hard”

HARD?! Really?! Why don't you try to be the one who was left behind, huh? I erased our conversations and saving what was left of my dignity I never again text him back.

After that I obviously stopped talking to him.

Thankfully at my work we all change shift every three months so we didn't share shift for the next 6 months which made it easier.  I was moving on. I really was. But then just a few weeks ago someone got a promotion and yes... who’s my boss now? Jack!

So now I got to see and talk to him E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E D-A-Y. Isn't destiny so awesome? (sarcastic tone).

The few people at work that actually knew what we both had, told me to stay away from him as much as I possibly could. Mind my own business and be professional, that's all I was going for. But…

Jack and I started to act normal again. I wasn't mad anymore, so I was able to talk to him in a normal way and I think he could feel that. Why? Because he started to take care of me again, just like before. He started to flirt again, getting cutely jealous of other guys at work. And I? I was just happy again. I thought he was single again and that was the reason why he was constantly looking for me.

I gained hopes again. Not very smart from me but I couldn't help it. I really do like him, so whenever he comes and talk to me with the most stupid excuses, or when his hand touches mine by “accident”, or he gets jealous I cannot resist.

Just a week ago we slept together after a party at a friend's house.

We were celebrating something from work so the entire shift was there, drinking and talking. When, I got drunk… I just remember my friend telling me to stay at her house while everyone was leaving. So I did. I slept on her bed while she left. “I will be back in a few hours so behave, ok?” she said.

Ok, before I continue I have to explain why she left me there. My friend has a child, and her son lives with his dad so she goes to his house to visit him every day. So she left as always but she was nice enough to let me stay. Second of all, I did not get it when she asked me to behave. Because one, when I get drunk is not like I act like a different person, and second, I was going to sleep until she arrived so I was confused. Confused but drunk, so I didn’t mind any longer and fall asleep.

I woke up when I felt someone sat on the corner of the bed I was sleeping on. I opened my eyes and Jack was there asking me questions. But again, I was too sleepy so I went back to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up when a cousin called me. I told her where I was and I went to the bathroom. But as I walked out I turned to the living room and I saw Jack sleeping on the couch. 

I was so shocked. 

I hung up and went back to the room. I started to hear noises. He was awake. Then he appeared at the door and when he saw me awake he asked if I could share the bed. I moved to the side, letting him some space. 

"Are you ok?" he asked.

“I am” I said.

He then turned his body towards mine. We were now face to face. “Sorry to wake you up, I thought I was here by myself” I told him.

He smiled and then his hand searched for mine and just like in that first date, our hands didn't let go each others. We talked about lot of things. We caressed each other's arms, backs, he even at some point took me by my waist and pulled me close to him. But we never kiss.

I was really happy. I was happy that he respected me. He didn’t try to do anything. It was a very special moment… at least for me.

Days passed and I was starting to feel like we were about to get back together but everything changed when I found out he was still with his ex. And all thanks to a guy from work that told me Jack took the day off to celebrate his anniversary (I told you not everyone know about what we had). Inside I was screaming and crying. Outside I was just smiling asking him more questions about our boss unknown girlfriend. “I think he is just reserved, he doesn't like to talk much about his personal life”

“He must love her” I said.

“Yeah, he is going to propose to her in her birthday”

Hearing that was... I don't know how to explain that. I never felt that amount of mix feelings before. I felt angry of course, I felt sad, I felt stupid for getting my hopes high again, I felt dumb for allowing myself to trust him once more. But mostly I was so hurt.

I still am.

I don’t feel like going to work. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to be near him anymore. And the worst part is that even after all of this I cannot have harsh feelings for him. I don't hate him, not at all. I wish him the best, I really do. But it hurts so much to be so close, and yet, so far from the guy I love. Knowing that yes, he probably likes me a lot but that he will never love me back. That when he sees me, he will never see more than just a pretty face. A girl whom he would like to have sex with but not the girl that he will like to wake up every morning with. A girl that is not good enough for him.

 It hurts to know that I lost him. Or... actually. No, cause you cannot lose something you never actually had.

I still have to see him every day so wish me luck.

[megape]

Gifts (Blog Post)

Hi, I haven’t made a blog post in awhile regarding my growth, but that’s because I’ve been in a wishy-washy way of thinking. A lot of decisions are in my life right now, at least it feels like it, and I suppose they tend to overwhelm me. But I’ve been on new meds and I’m super stoked to see if they help out so anyway, regardless of this way of thinking, I’ve been bestowed a new healthier one! It’s like a new pair of glasses!! (Get ready for the sappiness because you guys that I tagged know I love you all to bits and if you don’t it’s about to be obvious.)

There’s a lot to point out for me in this blog post so I’m just going to ramble a bit as always.

First off, my relationship with YHWH hasn’t been the best lately. I dunno, I’ve been distant because of my depression. It got so bad a month or two ago that suicide was all I had thought about. For years I had prayed for a miracle, like They would swoop down and save me from my illness. I think I may have disregarded a lot of what They did for me on a day-to-day basis because I was looking for Them to take the Depression/Anxiety away and not just to help me through it. This put a toll on the relationship. Especially when it got to those suicidal thoughts I was having. I kept asking Them, “Am I suppose to die young? Am I being punished? Do I deserve this? Why am I hurting so much? Where are you?” 

And I remember one night I was crying to Them, specifically Him because I needed a father that night, and I told Him if he couldn’t be there beside me (which was a lie I was telling myself because of course He was right there beside me) that the least He could do was make me laugh. Ironically the next day was Easter so YHWH decided to bust out some dad jokes to make me feel better. He asked me, “What’s a bunny’s favorite way to hop?” And I remember sniffling in confusion as if he was about to tell me the stupidest joke known to man. And he responded, “To the Blitzkrieg hop! Get it? Because bunnies hop and the Blitzkrieg Bop is a song?”

I got a little off tangent, but the point of saying this experience is because that was a miracle. I may not of thought about it as so at the time, but They spoke to me and I let myself hear Them. 

It wasn’t until like two weeks or so ago that my therapist was telling me that maybe They had been sending miracles this entire time and I just never noticed because I was so stuck in my box of depression/anxiety. Which was true because I had more faith that my depression would consume me than that YHWH could save me! 

So she started to ask me the things I had been praying for and ways that They had been providing for those prayers already. I liked the way she worded it too, she called them “gifts.” So I started thinking about things differently and picked out scenarios in my head that were probably gifts from YHWH to help subdue my depression/anxiety.

One of the biggest wishes I’ve had is to not feel lonely. Specifically I kept praying for a romantic partner, but I never stopped to realize that in order to get there I had to have friends to create that from. And regardless of that, They provided me with plenty of friends when I needed it most and I completely disregarded it because it wasn’t a boyfriend or girlfriend. To point out, I sometimes appreciate the way the wind blows and completely forget to appreciate the fact that I had my best friend come down from Canada for over a week. I miss huge things because I get so stuck in the gloom that I look for tiny things too much. They’ve blessed me with some amazing people in my life right now and I never stopped to realize that they’ve been planted in my life as gifts to help with my depression/anxiety. This entire struggle where I ask for all these different prayer requests are being answered in smaller and bigger ways than I’ve cared to notice. I’ve been so stuck in my box that I haven’t gotten the chance to thank them for actually being a part of my healing.

I kept wanting Them to rescue me from my illness, but I forgot that in order to be saved I have to acknowledge and use the tools given to me so that I can be saved! It’s like someone throwing down a rope or giving me a boat or throwing me a float while i’m stuck in water. I kept wanting them to just take me from the water and didn’t realize they were giving me SO many options to get out and I just had to use the tools given to me. Granted, this healing will take time, but that’s why They’ve provided lots of tools and opportunities. 

So in essence of this realization I’m going to list some things off that have made me super happy and were probably gifts that They’ve been handing to me to help myself heal and grow.

-I made a really amazing friend at my old job and he’s been with me through thick and thin at this point. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s constantly reassuring me he’ll stay by my side and ilhsm. I don’t know what I’d do with you Chris.

-The friends who kept me going through school. Wow, I don’t think I would have made it without your support and goofy antics.

-Um, I went to Pride last year and that was SO much fun!!!!!!

-I have the opportunity to go to this church that’s nondenominational and they’ve been really accepting and loving. I also might try a universalist church because I feel like I want to go and create a community in order to help push me forward in healing.

-I made a super fucking awesome friend through this cute lil dating app and he’s been like the light of my life lately. Honestly I’ve done so many fun things with him these past couple months and he’s opened my life up to Dungeons and Dragons so that’s pretty radical!!! You may not know it, but you’ve been a really big blessing to my life. I’m glad you’re here on this planet at the same time as me. Sorry about the sappiness, but it’s true. :p

-I have this sweet lil bb of a friend that always checks in on me and sends me cute and funny things despite the fact that I’ve been a distant friend to her. ilysm Snikkers <3

-There’s yet another friend who has been there since practically my childhood who I’ve connected with progressively more as I’ve grown up. She’s amazing and funny and we laugh so much when we’re together. Whether it was webkinz and One Direction or to laughing about boys and sexuality you have been the best, Faith.

-My therapist. <3

-I have a really big imagination and it helps being able to create characters, I guess sort of like imaginary friends, that I can go through it with. Also, my imagination helps me have more faith that YHWH is beside me because I can imagine what it would be like and know that it’s happening. Even though I can’t “see” YHWH holding my hand or dancing in the car with me... I can imagine it and know that that’s exactly what’s going on.. even if my (earthly(?)) eyes can’t witness it yet. 

-I have the raddest and most amazing internet friend in the entire universe. She’s constantly there through thick and thin and wants to help even though I push her away sometimes. She’s been a definite miracle from God because I prayed for her a long time ago and she’s stayed in my life for MANY years now! wow, claps to you my best friend and soul sister

-My parents are the bomb. they’re funny and constantly asking how I’m doing and wanting to help in any way they can. They ask me all the time what they can do if I’m feeling sad and help me when I’m stressed. They’ve come along for a tough journey and I’m glad YHWH gave me parents that handle my issues with love. Though it may be hard at times and we may not see eye-to-eye they have always been there to learn and grow beside me.

-And lastly, all of these people and experiences (plus so many more I didn’t list, but will list below) have fulfilled my love languages in ways I never noticed until now. Like, YHWH has provided me with some pretty wicked people and I never really stopped to say thank you to anyone. 

So thank you:

To my friends @youcant-takemysky @imagine-starco @el-ahrairahthefakeghost @hamilzies @pontmarius and the others who don’t have tumblrs or I didn’t mention here. Here’s to the fun memories and quality time, conversations, words of encouragement, acts of service, physical affection, and gifts along the way. To me you’ve been gifts I couldn’t be more thankful for!

Sorry if this is too sappy for you; I just want everyone to know I love them unconditionally. If you know me, are getting to know me, or are a complete stranger: our interactions together make life worth living. If we can all give love and learn to receive it we can make this world a better place. :) ~

[ais-n]

Creator 2017 Tag Meme

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you’ve created this year (fics, art, edits, etc!) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2017. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original!) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works. <3

No one tagged me, I just need some positivity after the shitshow of 2017. Although, because 2017 sucked so much for me, I actually might not even be able to do 5 works... If you look through my tumblr archive, I had so much less than normal that year.

But here’s to trying! :D Below are in no particular order. Sorry for the long post.

1. Have I the honor, milady?

I got excited in September because I started my patreon and I wanted ideas for things to draw. I asked on tumblr for people to suggest the funniest outfits for Boyd and Hsin from ICoS to wear for Halloween and there were some great responses lol One of them was for Hsin to be a princess, at which point I drew first the sketch version below and later made it into my typical Ais’ Terrible Art via Paint comic. Original post here.

This continues to be one of the silliest and stupidest things I’ve ever drawn, and yet it makes me laugh every time I look at it XD So it’s definitely a 2017 fav for me lol

2. Reciprocal: Reina’s Story

In case you didn’t know, in October I started what is meant to be a serial series called Reciprocal. I released the first story already on my Patreon - you don’t need to be a patron to read it (in other words, it’s 100% free for everyone to read, it’s just where I posted it). Read it here.

I wanted to write a story that has a bit of a supernatural twist to it, but that let me also touch on mental illness, and focus a lot of LGBTQIA+ stuff. I also wanted to set it in a seemingly super mundane, real world setting. I’m actually really excited about the serial itself, and plan to submit a future story of it to a magazine some friends are doing. I’ve started 2 more stories in this universe but haven’t had the chance to finish them yet. One of my goals for this serial was to really try to chill out on word count per part, and try to keep it 5,000-10,000 words per story. This is exceedingly difficult for me to do and I’m pretty sure I failed in the first installment but here’s to hoping for future ones lol

(Read all of Reciprocal #1 for free at my patreon, in case you missed the link above)

3. Incarnations

I am by far most proud of Incarnations. If you didn’t know, this is a book I worked on (on and off) for about 20 years. I finally finished writing the first draft of it in October 2016, then tried to edit it in 2017. I got some great feedback that will require some major rewrites, which was delayed by several months due to my bout of extreme depression this past Fall. But I did get some chapters out already on Patreon, and more will definitely be to come.

Incarnations is an LGBTQIA+ fantasy/sci-fi book which is the start of a series called Wildwood Rising. It’s sort of a police procedural, sort of a murder mystery, and sort of a typical fantasy story. What’s it about? Well..

It started with one body, and soon became four.

No connection except unknown magic stopping the decay. An ancient sentient language appears near the latest corpse.

Vikenti’s the magical cop assigned this case. Experts are baffled and he’s impatient. He wants this case solved, because it’s starting to seem a serial killer is targeting the community.

He isn’t the only one having problems.

Sloane wants answers for the nightmare that turned her into an outcast in her own home. Fawkes and Corrin need to know who they are. Keiran wants clarity. Besin craves history. Ven and Enria lost their family. Jade wants justice. Harper wants to forget. Twins Cypress and Hunter are on the run from everyone just for being born.

Everyone has a story.

Everyone has a past.

Everyone has darkness that can find them, and everyone will learn more than they expected about themselves, the world, and life.

It started with one body, but the story that body tells is so much more than a simple murder.

-Incarnations by Ais

patreon.com/ais

btw many of the characters are LGBTQIA+ in some form and/or people of color.

Here’s the beginning of it:

(read more Incarnations here)

4. Queenie

I really like to draw but mostly suck at it (hence Ais’ Terrible Art). Still, it doesn’t affect how fun it is for me to draw random shit. I’d been seeing on youtube that people are doing this “one marker challenge” thing where you get one marker and try to do a whole piece of art using just that one marker. I thought it would be fun to do but decided to start slow, by using a set of “dual tip skin tone markers” I got at Barnes & Noble randomly. They’re alcohol -based markers, the first time I’ve ever used those. 

I sat down to draw and didn’t really have a plan at all for what I’d do (I would have done some things differently if I had planned with pencil or anything instead of going straight in with sharpie like I did). I ended up with a girl I call Queenie. She isn’t the best piece of art I’ve ever done but I really like something about her, I think particularly her eyes. She makes me happy when I look at her so that’s why I’m including her in this 2017 recap. And because she’s my first alcohol-based marker piece of art.

I used 6 markers and 2 sharpies altogether on her.

5. A strange discovery in Irridian library

In all honesty, this wouldn’t hit my top 2017 moments if I actually had more options, but I’m super limited because 2017 was horrendous for my creative energy. Not that this sucks by any means, this thing amuses me, but I’m sure I’ve written better stuff in my life.

Anyway I thought it would be really funny to write a fake newspaper article set in the Incarnations world, about one of the main characters (Besin, he shows up in the first chapter and is Head Librarian). I thought it would be funny to show petty local urban politics in a fantasy world setting. So this was a whole article written by this woman Ghieta from Seiyunne Circle (the main newspaper in the largest Magetown on Ariwyn), basically all about being salty about Besin being way too devoted to his job as a librarian. XD idk I just thought the topic was absurd enough that it would make me laugh.

Read the whole article here. Preview below:

(read the rest here)

One of the things that I’m really looking forward to with Incarnations and Wildwood Rising is the whole thing is my world/etc. Which means I can do all the stupid random shit I want for extras without having to ask another poor soul to randomly go in on silly little stories whenever I feel like it (like I had to whenever I collaborated with others on writing). If you get into Incarnations, look forward to a loooooot of random shit in the future because it’s so fun to do XD

Honorable mention

by the way, honorable mention is a woman I just drew after being inspired by Queenie to the point that I bought some Prismacolor alcohol-based markers to try doing art only in color (no black lines etc). I would have added her to the list but she’s technically my first drawing of 2018. Still, I really like how her eye turned out so you get to see her below anyway.

I still need more shades in between though - couldn’t get enough blending on the shadows as you can see below. Also I fucked up her right eye’s eyelashes but oh well, I like her left eye enough I don’t mind the right being fucked.

TAGGING: I don’t know who to tag because I’ve been so inconsistent on tumblr lately so idk who even is into tags lately. So here’s the thing - I want to see everyone do this! If you don’t have anyone to tag you, say I tagged you and do this! Let’s get all the cool creativity out there, friends! :D

[ionaonie]

Your Thoughts on The Last Jedi?

Decidedly mixed, which I wasn’t expecting after seeing so many positive reviews for it and many people saying it did things rarely seen on screen, and that it was so different from other Star Wars movies

But everything I’m going to say is obviously spoilerish, so here is a cut 

Things that I liked

1) It was a beautiful movie - there are three shots that I absolutely loved; Snoke’s ship being hyperspaced, Rey and Kylo Ren using the force to get (and break) Luke’s lightsaber and Luke and Kylo Ren facing each other on the planet

2) The lightsaber fight between Rey and Kylo Ren versus Snoke’s bodyguards 

3) Luke - I really loved what they did with Luke. Him being all grumpy, recognising how he’d bought into his own press and all that jazz was awesome

4) That Rey’s parents were nobody’s. I’m glad she has no legacy, no bloodline to explain why she’s so powerful in the force, that anyone can bring about change

5) That Luke had similar thoughts about the Force that Buffy had about her power

6) The little boy at the end using the force to get the broom 

7) That Kylo Ren is now the bad guy. I always suspected that Snoke was something of a red herring

8) That Kylo Ren defeated Snoke through sneakiness and Snoke’s own arrogance and overconfidence - if it had been a lightsaber fight, I’d never have believed that Rey and Kylo Ren could have defeated him because he was so obviously so skilled and knowledgeable about the force - I mean, he was throwing Rey around with ease - that if he got beaten by them in such a way, I’d have been thrown out of the film so hard 

9) Luke and Leia getting to have a moment

10) Yoda being the one to set the tree on fire because Luke hesitated and then them talking and just sitting there, watching it burn

11) Luke being so happy to see R2-D2 and R2-D2 using the ‘help us obi-wan, you’re our only hope’ message and Luke, being like, oh, that’s not fair

12) Chewy kicking in Luke’s door

13) Finn’s ‘hey’ before hitting Phasma round the head after she thought he was head

14) I know everyone was going on about the Porgs, but omg, I loved the ice foxes (or whatever the fuck they were)

15) Poe prank calling Hux - I’ve heard people complaining about that, but damn if I didn’t find it funny

16) The fact that Luke didn’t make footprints in the salt, when facing Kylo Ren. That was a detail I really enjoyed

Then there are the things where I got what they were doing, I even liked it as an idea, but I really wasn’t a fan of the execution

1) Leia using the force - I am beyond delighted that there is now no question that Leia has and uses the force, but omg, that special effect of her moving through space was painfully bad and I honest to god nearly laughed. I can think of a bunch of ways that could have been done so it didn’t look so dumb

2) Finn and Rose’s utterly pointless trip to Casino planet - look, I get WHY it happened - to show Finn the realities of a world he’s not seen because he’s only just stopped being a stormtrooper - but god, was the execution terrible 

I honestly felt like it was like the movie didn’t really have anything for him to do, so they separated him from the rest of the cast for most of it, and gave him his own little adventure 

3) Vice Admiral Holdo and Poe - like, I get that this was a lesson for Poe in leadership, winning the war and not the battle, thinking things through and all that jazz, but this was the stupidest way to have done it. Like, I get Poe got demoted. I get that Holdo didn’t have to tell him anything. But honestly? Wouldn’t her life have been easier if she hadn’t have to worry about Poe running around, doing god knows what? Like, sending a couple of ppl off to get a codebreaker to attempt to break into Snoke’s ship or organising a mutiny? Maybe he might have helped co-ordinate things. Or helped come up with a better plan

And then the things I didn’t like

1) This first one probably isn’t fair, but I was so thrown when we found out the woman who died on the bomber ship was Rose’s sister. I really and honestly thought it was her girlfriend

2) That was the most awkward and perfunctonary kiss I’ve ever seen between Finn and Rose - and where the fuck did that come from? I mean, even ignoring the assumption I made in point 1, there was none of that kind of chemistry between them

3) That we didn’t learn anything about how Snoke got to Ben, or what happened to the Knights of Ren (although Henry had a brilliant idea; how cool would it have been if Snoke’s bodyguards had been the Knights of Ren)

4) what the fuck was with using a giant spear to catch a fish?

5) The escape of the alien horses shouldn’t have been as long as it was, because omg, that went on too long

6) I hate to say it, but Benicio del Toro’s character. I really didn’t see the point of him at all. Apart from being another part of Finn’s lesson that I feel could have been done way better

7) Holdo’s plan was terrible. For starters, they didn’t evacuate the 2 smaller ships and a whole bunch of people got killed. And, really? Why not use those two smaller ships to hyperspace through Snoke’s ship? Like, I get that Holdo might just have come up with it on the spot, but it seemed more like a possible idea she’d had because she seemed to know exactly what to do

8) I need to rewatch it, but I’m honestly not sure the timeline’s match up. Unless the planet Rey and Luke were on had significantly shorter days, how did they have so many nights in an 18 hour window? Even if you allow for the fact that at least one of those nights might have happened when the rebel base was being evacuated, I still don’t think it matches up

9) I am glad Finn didn’t die. He’s my favourite. But, at the same time, it felt kinda cheap to a) have Rose save him at the last minute and b) not have any main character (other than Luke) die. Also, how kind were the first order not to shoot on Rose and Finn while Finn was getting out of his crashed machine and running to get to Rose? I was expecting it any second and yet they have him the time to rescue her AND get her back to the base. The base that was quite a walk away

10) Phasma being dead. Well, not that, as much as WHY go on about having Gwendoline Christie as a character if she’s not going to get more than about 5-10 minutes screen time. I thought she was supposed to have more of a role in this movie, but evidently not. And if she survives that fall through the fire in the next movie I’ll be rolling my eyes so hard

11) I really didn’t like how Rey, Finn and Poe were all separated for the entire film. I enjoy watching them in some kind of combination (or all three of them). I found the separate storylines annoying and I wanted them all back together way earlier than it happen

The two things I’m honestly not sure about 

1) Rey and Kylo Ren - I was honestly dreading that the film would do something to put them in a more romantic context, and thank god they didn’t do that, but I’m still not sure about that link they have

2) I’m not sure Luke would have gone that far with the lightsaber with Ben. But I’m also not sure he wouldn’t. So yeah, I’m unsure about that

And the two things they better not do in the final movie

1) Get Rey and Kylo Ren together

2) Redeem Kylo Ren. He killed Han and is a 30 year old manchild who throws tantrums on a regular basis. I really don’t give a fuck about him 

[trueloveseyeroll]

When The Tide Turns (10/16)

Summary:  The plan was to go to England, finish the case and head back home in a matter of days. Of course, nothing in Emma’s life ever goes according to plan. Not only does she end up travelling across Europe, looking for a Liam Jones in order to finish her case, she ends up travelling with Liam’s brother - an annoyingly handsome Killian Jones. And she doesn’t trust him one bit.

Rating: T, for language and a bit of violence later on

Beta-reader: shout-out to @forget-me-not-s for being an amazing beta!!

Artists: these artists are seriously such talented and amazing people, and they deserve so much praise!!! @theblacksiren - check out her beautiful artwork for chapter 1 here and chapter 7 here! @optomisticgirl created the awesome banner - and soon you’ll get to see the amazing masterpiece created by @fairytalesandtimetravel

Word count: ~3218 (68k+ in total)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 |  Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 |  Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 |

AO3

He must have fallen asleep. Aye, sleep had seemed impossible but not nearly as impossible as the loud knocking on his door and the accompanying voice hissing his surname. He was dreaming. He had to be.

Killian turned his head on the pillow, the hand covering his eyes sliding away. The knocking continued, and Swan’s voice was clear through the door. She sounded... bloody hell she sounded furious.

Killian shot up from the bed, crossing the room to open the door. The fact that he was shirtless with only a pair of dark flannel pants keeping him decent enough didn’t enter his mind.

He switched the lights on by the door, and hastily unlocked and opened it. Swan didn’t sound like she’d enjoy waiting. She was still knocking, and her raised fist nearly collided with his chest. Even if it didn’t, Killian still felt like he had been knocked over.

A fire blazed in Emma’s eyes. They were widened with shock, as if she almost hadn’t expected him to answer the door or even be there at all. But her anger quickly took over, drilling a hole through Killian’s head.

In that moment, all he could think of though, was how stunning she looked. Like a furious angel. Or a vengeful siren.

He noticed the way her eyes dipped to take in his shirtless state, however brief the glance was. Only then did he even think to remember his lack of shirt. He made to say hello or comment on her late-night visit with some lewd joke or another. He didn’t know why - she already looked like she was out for his head, so teasing her was probably the stupidest idea at the moment. It was a good thing then, that Swan opened her mouth first.

“When were you planning on telling me that you’ve known about Elsa and Liam all this time? Or that Liam’s gone?”

Perhaps letting her speak first wasn’t the best thing ever.

Killian stared at her in shock. He had been wrong before - this wasn’t a dream. It was a bloody nightmare. Precisely the nightmare that had been tormenting him during the hours of daylight - and the hours afterward.

“How do you know that?” His voice was hoarse, sounding pathetic even to him.

“It doesn’t matter how I know. What matters is that you didn’t tell me.”

Beneath Emma’s anger, Killian sensed something even worse; betrayal. Bloody fucking hell, the exact thing that was never meant to happen was staring him right in the face and Killian was at a loss for words. He couldn’t even bring himself to apologize.

“So?” Emma glared at him. “Got anything to say for yourself?”

Killian’s mind wouldn’t connect with his tongue. All he could see was Emma, the stone-set lawyer putting him on trial where he had no other choice than to plead guilty.

“Swan, I can explain-”

She huffed. “Yeah, that’s kinda what I’m counting on, Jones. And it better be good and not some stupid lie again, because honestly? I’m damned tired of it.”

Killian could only agree.

He held the door open for her; this conversation was not one to be held in the hallway of an inn, and Emma seemed to understand. She gave him one last hard glare before pushing her way into his room.

“So what on earth could make you forget to mention that Liam sailed off in a storm a month ago? Or that he’s probably dead?”

Her words stung. They were true, every one of them, and her anger was nothing less than he deserved. Still...

“Swan, I won’t pretend I haven’t been a lying git to you, but if you want an explanation you’re going to have to be patient, okay? It’s not as simple as it seems.”

“Does it have anything to do with you once working for Gold?”

A bucket of ice could have been poured over him and he wouldn’t have known the difference. How the bloody hell did she know that? How did she suddenly know any of this?

“What-“

Emma crossed her arms, challenging him with a glare. He ran a hand through his already tousled hair, jaw ticking as he tried to find the right place to start.

“Gold’s a big part of it, aye.”

Swan waited for him to go on and he took the chance, knowing it would only be worse if he didn’t.

“I started working for him about six years ago, engineering ship replicas. It seemed the ideal opportunity back then - a chance to leave England and sober up for once. I can’t fathom how I ever even got the job, but well, it did me good. Gave me a chance to forget about Liam or the fact that Barrie had disowned me for being a rotten alcoholic just like my father,” he all but spat the words out, still disgusted with his own behaviour after all these years. “I worked for him for about three years, but then… well, my time there didn’t end on the best note.”  

Killian grimaced at the memories.

“So now you’re trying to stop him from buying your family business?” Emma asked, sounding as if she thought his explanation was the worst in the entire world.

“I’m not that petty, Swan,” Killian said, the fact that she would believe that a bit hurtful. “The fate of the business is the least of my worries anyways.

“In the end, it all comes back to Liam and when he came home nine years ago.”

Emma already knew this part of the story. How he’d been rescued alone and came back a shadow of himself, babbling about Neverland and magic. “No one believed him of course. Except perhaps my uncle. But I couldn’t - I couldn’t bring myself to believe the one person who had always stood by me. And then he was gone. And I was so sure there was nothing left for me but drinks that not even Barrie threatening to disown me could change my mind.”

He couldn’t bear to look at Emma. Already she must think the worst of him, choosing alcohol over the only family he had left. She stayed silent as he had asked, and Killian pulled himself out of his self-pity to continue his story.

“But in America, I found a purpose in my life again. I… I fell in love with one of the women working in the company. Milah.” Gods, he hadn’t said her name in years now. It didn’t hurt that much anymore. Killian wondered if it would ever stop hurting entirely. Probably not.

“Milah? Wasn’t she-“

“Gold’s wife?” Killian finished for her. “I didn’t know at first. And I should’ve stopped our relationship when I found out, but well, I hadn’t the courage to do it.” He waited for her to say something more, comment on how horrible he was for getting involved with a married woman - maybe even throw a punch his way. But she stayed silent.

Killian clenched his jaw and found the right words to carry on his explanation.

If only something he said would set her lie detector off. It would make things easier. It would put an end to this irrational need she felt to reach out and touch him - comfort him - as he spoke. The loss he felt for his brother, his self-hatred for choosing alcohol over his uncle, his disgust at himself for getting involved with a married woman - it was all so painstakingly obvious. Regret had been piling on his shoulder for years and she wished he wouldn’t burden himself with so much guilt.

It terrified her.

She was furious at him; he had lied and omitted so many truths that could have helped her days ago. He’d let her travel Europe while knowing Liam had last been seen in Norway when sailing into a storm a whole month ago.

So far, his explanation did nothing but further her confusion. And her frustration. She tried to process everything he said while trying to understand what was going on inside her own head. It was a struggle to stay focused.

“A few months after discovering Milah’s marital status, I received a letter from Norway. From Liam. I hadn’t heard from him since he had disappeared and I could hardly believe my eyes.”

Killian went to find the letter in his satchel as he spoke, averting his eyes from Emma.

“He apologized for leaving,” Killian said, unfolding the letter. “But wrote that it was inevitable. No one could know where he was and no one could know about Neverland. He wrote that Barrie agreed. He seemed so sure, so certain that Neverland existed. A place of magic, with unbound wealth and secrets one could never hope to imagine being true...”

His eyes lingered on the letter as he handed it over to Emma before returning to his spot by the door.

The slight tremble in her hand as it curled around the edge of the page shocked her. She couldn’t focus on the jumbled block of words, but her eyes were drawn to the last line, separated from the rest. All is well, little brother. All is well.

“On my 27th birthday, he sent another letter - the one that I showed you, with the picture of the four columns.” The picture that had led them to Barcelona a few days ago. “Gold called me to his office that day. I’d never met the guy before, though I’d slept with his wife, of course. I thought that was why he had called me in. Thought I was going to die actually, and be dumped in the sea, mysteriously disappeared just like my brother. It turned out my brother was the reason he wanted to talk though. He wanted to chat about my ‘family business’ and whether I’d ever heard from Liam. Wouldn’t listen when I said I’d been disowned and had never heard from my family since I’d left England.

“I just had this feeling; the bastard knew. He knew Liam had sent me a letter. And he knew something about this Neverland. Now, I’d never met Gold before, but I’d heard plenty through his wife and others. I’d sensed it during my years working there.

“Gold is an exploiter, and the worst of the sorts. He’ll deal in any business he can if there’s a profit for him and he doesn’t care about the price others will have to pay. In fact, it seems the greater the price for others, the more pleasure he takes from the deal. He knew something about Neverland and its treasures, and he sought to exploit them like any other business or person he’d come across.”

The hatred in Killian’s voice was frightening. His eyes darkened with old memories and for a moment it seemed like he’d forgotten she was even in the room.

Emma had never met Gold before - he was just a name to her. A client. But she’d dealt with more than a fair share of shitty people in her line of work. Scratch that, throughout her entire life. From foster parents that saw her as a meal ticket rather than a human being, to boyfriends who only wanted to take as much as they could, to the evident corrupt bastards that would stop at nothing to fill their pockets just a bit more.

Killian’s frustration struck a chord in her. But all this talk of Neverland - of magic - had her head spinning. It didn’t make sense. A feud inspired by the ramblings of a man broken by tragedy - Liam’s instability obvious in how jumbled and messy his writing was - how could Gold have a part in all this? And why did it still matter now, years later?

Talking about the bloody crocodile made Killian’s blood boil. Thinking about what had happened with Milah - how he’d let her down just as he had his brother - only made it worse. He considered if Emma even had to know about that. But he had promised himself to tell her the truth; all of it.

“When I wouldn’t tell him about The Brothers Jones or open up about Neverland, he took more drastic measures. Let me know that he knew all about my affair with Milah, and that he wasn’t afraid to drag her through a long and terrible divorce, scrapping her of all dignity and fortune. All I had to do was tell him about Neverland...”

Killian told Emma of how he had refused. He had gone to Milah, begging her to run away with him. They could start their own lives together, far away from Gold.

“But she wouldn’t come with me. She didn’t understand - why couldn’t I just tell Gold what he wanted to know and be done with it? What harm could it do? Neverland - magic - all that could hardly exist after all... but I couldn’t let Liam down again. If someone as powerful as Gold believed him and his talks of Neverland, then there had to be a kernel of truth to it, right?” Killian shook his head at himself. “Milah thought I was crazy. Crazy to believe in Neverland and magic and who can blame her for that? She said we’d all be better off if I just left, and I didn’t understand...” Killian took a deep breath. “But it turned out it didn’t matter what Gold would or wouldn’t do to her. She’d been suffering from a heart disease that she’d never told me about and... I left the company the day she died. Left America and never looked back. As far as I know, Gold never even batted an eyelash at her death.”

The room was silent as Killian stopped talking. He wasn’t done explaining yet - it felt like he’d never finish explaining - but his mouth was dry and his head hurt and Emma still hadn’t said a word.

“Elsa called me a month ago for the first time. Said Liam had been staying with her for the past six years, his health unstable, and that he’d sailed off in a storm, saying he had to get back to Neverland, but hadn’t returned. I wanted to go after him, but Barrie refused to help me. He was confident Liam would return, and said the tools to get to Neverland had been hidden anyways - I would never get to him.

“But then Barrie died, and Liam still hadn’t returned and - and I need to find him, Swan.” Killian looked up at her for the first time since he’d handed her Liam’s letter. He couldn’t quite read her face. If she believed him or not. “My plan was to find the objects and go after Liam - I never thought Gold would show up again, trying to get his claws into Neverland once more.”

“You thought I was in league with him, didn’t you?” Emma’s voice was low but sturdy. She wasn’t accusing him, she was just trying to make sense of all the information he had thrown her way. “That’s why you lied about everything. Tried to throw me off with that pegasus sail and stuff, so I’d feed Gold false information... if I was working for him.”

“Aye,” Killian nodded, his head seeming to weigh a ton on his neck. “I’m sorry, Emma. I should’ve trusted you - should’ve seen from the start that you could never be in league with a monster such as Gold.”

He wasn’t sure if he should say more. He still felt like so much of his explanation was missing, but at least Emma hadn’t stormed out or bitten his head off. Yet.

“But seriously?” she started, not so much disbelief as frustration clouding her eyes. “Neverland? Magic? You seriously believe all that? That these... things are going to lead you to Liam?”

Her words bore too much resemblance to those Milah had hissed at him three years ago. And once again, he couldn’t blame her. Magic was difficult to believe in, but Killian didn’t doubt his brother. Not anymore.

“I know it sounds insane-”

“Damn right, it does! I mean, how did Gold even end up believing all this?”

The question had irked Killian as well. He’d found the answer a year ago though, upon running into an old friend. Somewhat-friend at least.

“He’d heard a few too many stories, some through an old acquaintance of Liam’s and mine; William Smee. He was there when Liam sailed off - there when he came home again. He knew the legends of Neverland, almost as well as I did from bedtime stories as a child. The supposed grand wealth of the land - the magical herbs, both healing and poisonous. And Smee was more than willing to fill Gold in on everything for a bit of coin, though all he really knew about was the compass. Not the sextant or the spyglass needed to get there as well. Which is why I was, well, reluctant to let you in on all that...” Killian explained, hinting at an apology in his tone of voice.

Emma shook her head, still refusing to believe it. “You’re all insane,” she muttered. “They’re bedtime stories - you said it yourself for fuck’s sake! Are you seriously planning to go to Denmark and find that spyglass and sail off to some non-existent place for no damned reason?”

“I have a reason; to find Liam. I know it doesn’t sound ideal, Emma, but I believe my brother and my uncle. Neverland is real.”

The look in Emma’s eyes was almost pitiful. “Just because you believe something, doesn’t make it real.”

“Do you believe me?”

Killian all but held his breath, waiting for Emma’s answer. He kept their eyes locked, trying to discern her thoughts. His heart was practically beating in his ears, begging her to say yes.

“I’m going back to New York.”

Her voice was low and resigned, devoid of any emotion. Killian sought to find them in her eyes but they flickered away from his and towards the door. Her anger had wrecked him before - impossibly, this was even worse.

“Swan, I know I haven’t been trustworthy all the time, but I never meant to hurt you. And you must admit, we make quite the team. We can find Liam, together. You’ll be able to end the case, go back home with a clear conscious over a finished job...”

He wasn’t getting through to her. Emma made her way towards the door, and Killian couldn’t explain why it meant so much to him that she stay, that she believe him. It just did. “Perhaps we should both try something new, Swan; it’s called trust.”

“I can’t...” Killian dared hope there was regret in the way she regarded him. But it was clear she had made her decision as she shook her head. “I can’t take the chance that I’m wrong about you.” She opened the door, turning to look at him one last time. “I’m sorry.”

And like that, Emma Swan closed the door behind her.

Killian shook his head at himself. He shouldn’t have been so foolishly hopeful to think it could have ended any other way.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

World’s Best Dad (Part 5)

Summary: Dean and the reader have a late night talk and unexpectedly have a few guests over the next day...

World’s Best Dad Masterlist

Pairing: single parent!Dean x kindergarten teacher!reader

Word Count: 4,700ish

Warnings: language, implied future smut

A/N: The fluff is just going to end me one of these days...

“Your hair is really soft,” said Dean out of the blue as you curled up in his lap that night. Gracie was tucked away in bed, Dean making an open spot for you in bed as he reassured you it was okay for you to lean back against him. He had wrapped an arm around your waist as you talked about everything and nothing, his other one playing with the strands.

“Thank you,” you said, tilting your head back, moving your head from where it was tucked under his chin. “Thanks for today. I’m supposed to be the one taking care of you but I felt like you were the one in charge of that this afternoon.”

“I’m your boyfriend. It’s my job to take care of you,” he said, dragging his fingertips slowly over your scalp. “I think I had to have Sam take Gracie for a few hours when it happened to me. I was a wreck.”

“You love her so much. I think that’s the most attractive thing I’ve ever seen in a person,” you said, Dean chuckling.

“She’s my daughter. Of course I love her. I love her more than myself. She’s...simple. I never have to worry about her not loving me just as much back. You’re a different story though,” said Dean.

“I really like you,” you said, turning around in his lap to try and face him, his arm turning you back. “Dean.”

“See? That, you trying to be reassuring is...I don’t know what I did to even get it. I invited you over for dinner and proceeded to burn it and then kick you out and say that was it. I definitely didn’t deserve another shot. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he said with a sigh. “Just tell me there isn’t another shoe to drop.”

“Let me up,” you said, pushing on his arm. When you spun around his face was hard, staring at his lap. You rolled onto the other side of the bed and spread your legs, patting it. “Sit.”

He crawled into it without a word, the two of you leaning back as you tossed a blanket over his legs and wrapped your arms around him. He was tense but you nuzzled your cheek against the top of his head and gave him a hug.

“Mine,” you said, Dean’s head lifting up as he looked back confused. “You’re mine. My awesome, amazingly sweet and kind and funny boyfriend. My cocky charmer, my person I can have a full on freak out in front of and he just gives me a hug and tells me it’s okay. I haven’t had a best friend in a long time, Dean but I’m really glad that you’re mine.”

“I’m your best friend?” he asked, your head nodding as he formed a tiny, barely there smile. “I like my best friend too.”

“Sam?” you teased, one of his hands coming up to grab your neck and pull you down into a kiss. “Oh, you mean me.”

“Yes I mean you, dork,” he said, getting that soft look in his eye like when you caught him watching Gracie sometimes. “How’d I ever get you?”

“A five year old guilt tripped you into asking me out. It happens to the best of us,” you said. “We should really be thanking her.”

“What can I say, the kid’s good at fixing her old man up,” said Dean, snuggling into your lap, your fingers tracing near the small cut on his head that was healing nicely. “Hey, I get my head stitches out tomorrow.”

“Yes you do and you have a follow up with your doctor. You been changing your bandage like your supposed to?” you asked. Dean nodded and flung his leg out from under the blanket and over yours. 

“Put on a new one right before bed,” he said. “I’ve been good. Pretty soon I’m going to be able to throw you over my shoulder and tickle you until you surrender every time you tease me.”

“You realize being teased by you is more of an incentive to do it, right?” you said, moving a finger lightly under his jaw, watching him squirm a little in your lap.

“Mm alright you win,” he said, holding up his hands and tilting his head up at you.

“Oh you’re sensitive there, aren’t you?” you asked, doing it again, Dean squirming a little more as he arched his neck. “Admit it and I’ll stop.”

“I-umph-heh-o-okay-I-m-may be a little...” he got out before you had him bursting out laughing as you made easy work of his exposed skin. You patted his head when you finished, knowing you were in for it once he was allowed to run around again. “Don’t think I’m not counting every little thing you’ve been doing to me ya little rascal.”

“I’ll live in fear,” you said with a laugh, Dean rolling out of your lap and onto his side of bed, ready for sleep. You ducked under the covers and rolled to get the light, turning back into his raised up arm before it fell over your waist. “Night.”

“Night. Love you,” he said. The arm over you went as rigid as stone as you peeled your eyes open to see his wide. “I didn’t mean to...I said that out of habit...I’m not...”

“Dean? Babe, you worry about the stupidest shit sometimes I swear,” you said, burrowing into his chest. “I love you too.”

“You’re not just saying that? Like I didn’t fuck up again and ruin this by saying it too soon or-”

“Did you accidentally say it or did you mean it? I meant it,” you said, reaching a hand up to cup his cheek, trying to rub away the worry there.

“I meant it,” he said quietly, giving you a tiny smile. 

“Phew cause all the talk earlier made me think you weren’t going to let me in like that,” you said.

“You’re in there alright. Just play nice with the not broken things,” he said.

“You’re not broken,” you said. “You’re hurt and I don’t think you ever really let yourself heal.”

“It’s probably a good thing you’re really good at fixing me when I’m hurt then,” said Dean, moving to play with your hair again. You just nodded into him, feeling a hand on your back. “You’re not happy anymore.”

“You’re just really good and you told me you love me and I know how hard that is for you but I just wish it didn’t have to be that way for you. You don’t deserve to feel like that about yourself, like any of this is your fault,” you said.

“My life would be very different if she hadn’t left Gracie and me,” said Dean, brushing his lips against your forehead. “But I don’t think it would be as good. I’d never have met you, not like this anyways. I feel differently about you than anyone else. It’s a little like with Gracie at how easy it is and that’s terrifying.”

“I won’t hurt you, either of you,” you said, closing your eyes and relaxing into the curves of him. “Promise.”

“I believe you. Same goes for us,” said Dean, scooting down the bed an inch or so to get closer. “Night sweetheart.”

“Goodnight Dean.”

When you woke up Dean was still asleep, his breath hot on the back of your neck. You shifted and stretched, his arm over your waist tugging you back against him. He mumbled and you giggled, not sure he was aware he’d done that. When you went to move again though this time you felt his fingers curl under your waist, trapping you in place.

“Good morning, Dean,” you said, his head moving to rest against the back of yours.

“Who said you could get out of this bed?” he said quietly, his flirt masked by the sleep in his voice.

“Who said I want to get out of this bed?” you asked, earning a kiss on the cheek when he raised his head.

“Good answer,” he said, throwing his legs over yours. “Cause you ain’t leavin’ anytime soon.”

“Oh, you got something planned?” you asked, Dean pushing you away fast only to grab hold of you so you turned around and faced him, his hair stuck out every direction. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he said with a sleepy smile, pressing his lips to yours. He didn’t pull away though and soon you felt the heat in your cheeks as you lazily kissed each other awake.

“Well it looks like somebody’s have a good morning,” said Sam, chuckling from the doorway when you broke apart.

“Dude! If the door’s shut, don’t come-”

“It was open, jerk,” said Sam, crossing his arms as he leaned against the doorframe. “Morning, Y/N. Gracie wanted to know when you two were getting up. It’s Sunday, you know, those people that raised us are in town to check on their handsome son and your injured ass?” 

“Sam, cut your brother...” you and Dean both heard from the hall as you threw him a panicked look. “Oh, didn’t know Dean had a friend over.”

“You said they were coming this afternoon!” said Dean, shooting you an apologetic look.

“And give you an excuse to hide away the woman that’s been taking care of you this week? Nope,” said Sam, watching the blush on your cheeks as you ran a hand over your face, hoping your lips weren’t too swollen from your mini-make-out session. 

“Hi,” you said with a red face, giving what you presumed was their father a wave.

“Hi,” he said, rolling his eyes at Sam. “Give the woman a little modesty, Sam would ya? No wonder you’re single.”

Their dad gave you a smile and pulled the door shut, dragging Sam away with him. Dean pulled his pillow over his face and groaned.

“So your parents are in town? That’s good,” you said, Dean moving the pillow away and looking up with sad eyes.

“I completely blanked. Sam mentioned it when we were driving home from the hospital. I’m so sorry, I should have given you fair warning and-”

“Do you not want me to meet them?” you asked, his head shake out of this world as he sat up and gave you a soft smile. “Hey, at least I was wearing a shirt. It’s okay.”

“Remind me to kill Sam later,” said Dean as you sat up and wrapped your arms around him.

“No, Sammy’s too valuable around here. Plus he had a little bit of a point,” you said. “Awful execution but still a point.”

“I’m not embarrassed of you, Y/N. I just don’t want to overwhelm you,” he said.

“Your dad looked like he wanted to laugh. This is already going a thousand times better than meeting mine did. Let’s get dressed so you can show me off,” you said, trying to roll out of bed, Dean’s arms catching you by the waist. 

“You owe me a cuddle later little missy,” said Dean, plucking a kiss on your lips. “I wasn’t done yet.”

“You can have all the cuddles you want,” you said, kissing him back and finally getting out of bed when he released you. Dean washed up while you got dressed, swapping out with him after about ten minutes before you helped him downstairs and he made his way into the kitchen on his crutches.

“Daddy, Grandma made me pancakes,” said Gracie, shoving a syrup covered piece in her mouth.

“Did she make me any?” Dean asked, getting an eyebrow raise.

“No, I made you a pandog,” said his dad, Dean’s eyes lighting up as you laughed and made your way to the fridge.

“That is still disgusting,” said a blonde woman who was coming out of the laundry room, wiping her hands clean. “You must be Y/N,” she said, giving you a hug.

“Yeah, hi,” you said, giving her a smile and Dean a shrug.

“You make Y/N one? You got to have one,” said Dean, sitting down at the table as his mother shook for you not to try it.

“Nope, Y/N you’re not on breakfast duty this morning,” said Sam, waving you over. “That’s for the old folks.”

“This is why you don’t get pandogs,” said Dean’s dad.

“Sam, I made you wafcakes,” said Dean’s mom, giving you a smile. “Y/N, you like cinnamon or blueberries better?”

“Cinnamon,” you said, taking a seat at the table when Dean’s father started pushing you over there.

“Been a while since we made the kiddos breakfast,” he said, the two parents moving around the kitchen like they’d never skipped a day. “Y/N, you want a pandog too?”

“Uh, what is it exactly?” you asked with a weary face.

“Only the greatest breakfast food on earth,” said Dean as he crossed his arms.

“It’s gross,” said Gracie, shaking her head.

“Yeah, I’m sticking with her. I’ll just have a wafcake?” you said, watching their mother sense your confusion.

“It’s just waffles and pancakes really. Not that sausage, pancake mix atrocity those two men eat,” she said, pointing at the mix of sausage and batter in a pan. “I’m Mary by the way.”

“John,” said their dad, raising his spatula. “You’re the poor girl who wound up with De, huh?”

“I guess I am, huh, De,” you said, catching his bitch face. 

“Just keep it up. A week and a half and you are so in for it,” said Dean, throwing you a smirk that you returned.

“So how’d you guys meet?” asked Mary. You glanced over at him, the same thought crossing his mind. 

You were Gracie’s teacher. Teacher’s should not be dating their students parents. You figured you could let it slide since you and Dean didn’t start dating until the last week of the school year and it was kindergarten, not like you were grading them on much of anything beside basic skills.

“Y/N’s, my teacher,” said Gracie, breaking the news for both of you. 

“Oh,” you heard both of the older Winchesters say as you kept your head down, waiting for their friendly smiles to disappear.

“Do either of you have a problem with that?” asked Dean, a little harshly as he put a hand on your thigh, rubbing lightly over the skin.

“No. Sam said you two have been together about a week. Even if you weren’t who cares? You’re a lot happier than last time we visited,” said Mary, bringing over a plate of food for you. “You got that, Y/N? You can lift your head up now.”

“I knew it had to have something to do with Gracie. No way would De ever land you on his own,” said John, dishing up a couple plates as Mary carried over the rest, both of them packing the small table full of food.

“You should have heard Dean when he called me to take Gracie for the night,” said Sam with a big grin. “‘Sam, I got a date with a gorgeous woman and you got to help me out and’-Ow!”

“Sorry, Sam, must have been kicking my leg,” said Dean with a glare.

“Jerk,” said Sam, leaning down to rub his shin.

“Bi...baby,” said Dean, remembering Gracie was in the room.

“No, he won me over with his sweetness,” you said. “Plus he had a nice car.”

“Chicks dig cars,” said Dean, moving his hand away when his father shoved his pandog creation in front of him. “Sure you don’t want to try some?”

“No, I wouldn’t want to take any away from you,” you said, deciding to avoid the week’s worth of grease in one meal.

“Your loss,” he said, the second he picked up the fork, the lights going off. “Well...it’s a good thing we already made breakfast.”

“Storm probably knocked it out,” said Sam, tilting back in his seat to look over the back fence at the neighbors house. “Looks like the block is out.”

“Uncle Sammy, you’re not supposed to do that,” said Gracie.

“How is the five year old the most adult one here?” asked John. You raised an eyebrow and he shook his head. “You get knocked down a few for willingly joining this crazy family.”

“Oh, she never had a chance once I made her mac and cheese for dinner,” said Dean.

“It’s a miracle he’s even dating in the first place,” said Mary, giving Dean a smile. 

“Is it tease Dean day and I didn’t get the memo?” he asked, Sam opening his mouth to say something witty but getting a hand slapped over it instead. “Don’t answer that.”

“How long are you guys in town for?” you asked. “Gracie graduates on Tuesday.”

“We know,” said John, ruffling Gracie’s head. “Big girl going up to first grade. We wouldn’t miss that for the world.”

“Y/N, won’t be my teacher anymore,” she whined. “I don’t want a new teacher.”

“You’re going to love your new teacher Gracie. You’re going to have lots of fun in first grade. You get a fifth grade reading buddy and you get to start learning a bunch of cool new stuff,” you said. “You’re going to have a blast.”

“Alright,” she said with a shrug. “Can I go play now?”

“Put your plate away munchkin and take a flashlight from the drawer. Be careful on the stairs,” said Dean, even if the house wasn’t all that dark in the day.

“Thank you for breakfast Grandma,” she said, sliding off her seat and doing as Dean asked, running up stairs fast and making him sigh.

“I swear one of these days she’s going to trip,” muttered Dean, taking a bite of food. “So, give us the inside scoop. Which teacher is she getting?”

“I’m not privy to say,” you said, knowing two weeks back where all of your students were ending up.

“I’m going to find out in two days. What difference does it make?” he said.

“Because it’s national tease Dean Winchester day,” you said, taking a mouthful of food.

“No, not you too!” he said, throwing his head back, cocking his head with a smile.

“Mr. Colt,” you said. “He’s cool. A few years older than me, makes a mean margarita. Gracie’s going to end up in the advanced reading since she’s ahead for her age. Her friend Matt’s going to be in there with her. That’s her best friend from what we gathered.”

“You guys keep track of that stuff?” asked Sam. You shrugged.

“I mean it doesn’t really make a difference but they work together well and support systems are important early on. We try to match them up with at least one good friend in the early years,” you said.

“Gracie and Matt are like glue,” said Dean. “Mom’s a bit of a bitch but his dad’s good.”

“She’s the definition of a helicopter parent. If they were all like you this job would be so much easier,” you said. “Matt’s mom’ll ease up once they get older. She’ll have to.”

“I’m glad Gracie’ll know someone. One less thing for me to worry about,” said Dean, getting to his feet to help clean up. As you helped him and Sam with the dishes, his parents wouldn’t stop smiling at you.

“I got to take Dean for his check up,” said Sam, spotting the time. “We’ll be back around noon probably if you guys want to figure out out what to do in the meantime.”

“Drive slow Sam, the weather’s still bad,” you said, watching the boys head off towards the hall. “And help him with his crutches out of the car. It’s wet out.”

“Y/N, relax, I won’t let his ugly mug get even more deformed,” said Sam, earning a whack from Dean’s crutch. “Stop! That one actually hurt.”

“Sorry,” said Dean sheepishly. “We’ll be back soon.”

When they left you went back to the kitchen to finish cleaning up, Dean’s parents watching you.

“Can I get either of you guys anything?” you asked, seeing their head shakes. “You sure?”

“When was the last time Dean actually smiled like that?” asked John to Mary. “When’s the last time he actually looked happy?”

“I think we have Y/N to thank for that,” said Mary. You shrugged, starting to realize more and more that Dean must not have been the most fun person to be around without Gracie in the room.

“I didn’t really do anything special. Just...kind of went on a date with him was all,” you said. 

“Well, he’s head over heels even if he won’t say it,” said Mary. “The teacher thing doesn’t bother us you know. Sam told us who you were last week.”

“Then why’d you ask?” you asked, John standing up and patting your head.

“Because we want to get to know you is all, kid,” said John, shoving the last of the dishes in the dishwasher. “We’re probably going to see you a lot so might as well know what you do.”

“You guys are way nicer than my parents were to Dean,” you said, seeing their eyebrow raises. “I may have told them off. I don’t know, I didn’t care for how they spoke to him or about Gracie.”

“Give it some time and I’m sure they’ll come around. The single dad thing probably freaked them out,” said John.

“Why does it freak people out though? I don’t understand. I don’t want to be with some guy who doesn’t love the crap out of his kid, some guy who would put some new date above them, who wouldn’t care about what their kid felt about bringing a new person in. Dean cares so much and prioritizes her and that’s a good thing. Why do people think it’s bad?” you asked.

“I don’t know. But I can tell why he likes you so much,” said Mary. 

“Grandpa, there’s water on the floor!” you heard Gracie shout from the top of the stairs.

“Of course there is,” said John, grabbing the towel off the counter. “Let’s hope she just spilled something and it’s not a leak.”

“So,” said Mary, waving you to follow her out to the family room and sit on the couch. “Tell me honestly how you guys met. Dean’s never going to tell me about this kind of stuff himself.”

“Well...”

“Dean Winchester is back, new and improved,” said Dean, busting in through the front door, minus his crutches, Sam behind him carrying a bag of what looked like lunch.

“He doesn’t need crutches and his concussion was downgraded to having a thick, stubborn head,” said Sam. “Aka, he’s basically got a boo boo on his leg now.”

“Like I said, lean, mean, Dean,” said Dean, picking Gracie off the couch and throwing her over his shoulder, hearing her giggle. “Who wants to go run around in the rain?”

“Is he on drugs again?” you asked, Sam rolling his eyes as you laughed at Dean who was running around the downstairs with Gracie on his back.

“Not that I’m aware of,” said Sam. “Power’s back on it looks like.”

“Yup, we were in the middle of a riveting game of Monopoly until it turned on about half hour ago,” said John. “Nearly had to throw Y/N out for stealing boardwalk from me.”

“You knew the terms of our negotiation, John,” you said. “I have two eye witnesses.”

“I know nothing little miss railroad baron,” said Mary.

“I can’t help if you guys suck at Monopoly,” you said, giving them both a smile.

“And boom!” said Dean, lifting Gracie down onto the couch, his gaze shifting to you. “Hi.”

“No, you shouldn’t-”

“Actually he did ask the doctor and he said it was alright,” said Sam, Dean bending down and throwing you over his shoulder.

“Alright, who wants to have lunch on the back porch, huh? Drag out a couple chairs?” he asked, carrying you down the hall, hearing more than one laugh at the two of you.

“Dean! Put me down!” you said, slapping his butt.

“Y/N, wait until we’re alone for that,” he said, setting you back on two feet, running his hands over your face to fix your hair. “Hi.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” you said.

“Oh, I know.”

“Y/N?” asked Dean that night when you were sitting down on the bed. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot,” you said, dipping your feet under the covers.

“Doc said I’m healing fast and that my stitches in my leg can come out Friday morning,” he said. “I was wondering if we could have that date night we talked about? Drop off Gracie with Sam, let us...go to that next place?”

“Yeah,” you said, giving him a smile. “Yeah we uh, we can definitely do that.”

“I’m probably going to suck,” he said. “Out of practice and all that.”

“Well if you screw anything like you kiss, I’ll be one satisfied woman,” you said, leaning over and planting a kiss on him.

“If you do the things with your mouth down there you do up here I’m going to have a heart attack,” he said.

“No you won’t, doc said your heart is healthy,” you teased, pulling back. “But I got work in the morning and I sure as hell am going to keep winding you up as long as I’m able to.”

“Night sweetheart,” he said, throwing an arm over you.

“Night, Dean.”

“Winchester,” you said a few days later around lunchtime, the door opening to see Dean standing there with a few hair clips and a pink bow in his hair. “Didn’t know I was going to see a hot princess today.”

“That’s super hot princess to you,” he said, pulling you inside and giving you a kiss. “All done with work finally?”

“I don’t have to go back until September,” you said.

“Perfect,” he said, picking you up as you kicked off your sandals, letting him carry you upstairs to where you saw he was playing with Gracie in her room. “Gracie, you want Y/N to hang out with us this summer?”

“Are you guys in love yet?” she asked. “Cause you said you’d tell me and I think you are.”

“Yes, Gracie,” said Dean, holding onto you a little tighter. “Y/N has a surprise for you too.”

“A puppy?” she asked, Dean cocking his head at her.

“You know Crystal Lake up north a little ways? My family has a camp up there and I thought we could go camping up there next week,” you said. “Your dad wants to teach you how to fish.”

“Teach you both how to fish,” he corrected. “And we can have all the smores we want for dessert. How’s that sound?”

“Can we go now?” she asked.

“No, munchkin, we got to go shopping first, get Y/N her mandatory Winchester flannel,” said Dean, giving you a peck on the nose. “We’ll go Sunday morning, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, Dean carrying you in to sit on the floor with them. “Can I play with Y/N’s hair?”

“Sure,” you said, pulling it out of the pony it was in, sitting with your back to her as Gracie started scooping it up. Dean looked like he wanted to laugh as he sat there with a silly grin on his face. “What?”

“Just, stay like that for one sec,” he said, pulling out his phone, taking a picture. “That’s going on the fridge.”

“Daddy, you too,” she said, Dean scooting over next to you. 

“Alright, big smile,” said Dean as Gracie flung her little arms around you and Dean. He showed you the picture and you immediately started to laugh at how ridiculous you both looked. 

“Can I take one?” asked Gracie. Dean nodded and handed her the phone as she told you both what she wanted.

Apparently a picture of Dean hugging you was what she wanted.

“Okay,” she said, giving it back and crawling up behind you again.

“You okay?” you asked Dean quietly, tapping his foot. He just smiled and gave you a nod.

“For the first time in a long, long time, I really am.”

A/N: Read Part 6 here!

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