#it's really hard to get a perspective of this but it's so super unnerving I have to share

[jacksmusesdrv3]

Something really bothers me about these remarks, as it’s a reference to the Soviet regime’s arrest-and-relocation (to Siberia, for... slave-labour). The point of concern is- we know this was a regime notorious for its extreme surveillance, where even so much as talking the ‘wrong way’ would have you whisked away in the dead of night never to be seen again

There are times when Ouma talks about being the ‘head of an organisation that controls the world’, but he also mentions being on the run within that world, and his actions in the game show that he’s extremely good at the hiding in particular. But the cherry on the cake-

-is how he seemed to gamble on there being tiny surveillance bugs-

-and turned out to be right.

If even the world Ouma lived in was one where things like that existed, what could that have meant for him, as he navigated it?

[what-a-fella]

GENERATION LOSS SPOILERS

you have been warned

ok, I have to talk about Generation Loss episode 2 for a second. because godDAMN, that was insane. the main thing that got me was the lack of reactions from Ranboo and Sneeg. I know it's been said, but the start with the carousel was extremely disconcerting. watching the trapped folks go from terrified for their lives to game show contestant was so unnerving. like, clearly somethings wrong but I don't think it really hits until Sneeg tries to escape and gets super mind controlled. From then on just watching Sneeg and Ranboo have what were essentially NPC reactions to full on gruesome deaths was brutal. but Austin's reaction to Ethan's death puts such a different perspective on it. Austin is understandably freaking the fuck out and the other two r just standing there and godddddd. holy shit that whole ep was so fucked when u think too hard about it. the fact that no one made it out, ranboo being mind controlled for most of it with very little glitches, Sneeg not even thinking about trying to go through the wall, the END. it's just alabjsozzbsbs

[damn-oh-dread]

Assorted Chapter 16 - 24 thoughts

GALAD IS A WHITECLOAK NOW!?!?!? I really like Galad as a character. Crazy that he does the right thing no matter what and decided that that included joining the white cloaks.🤡 Very interested to see if he ends up protecting his sister and her friends therefore kind of supporting the Aes Sedai, an organization he is now theologically against, or if he hands them in, betraying the trust of his family which also seems like a big thing for him. Which side of right will win out inside of himself?

Gawyn * rolls eyes * I liked him at the beginning but ever since the Tower coup incident I do not like him at all. He’s so annoying! And the way he thinks he’s right about everything? No thank you. He and Egwene better not end up together or I will commit a crime. He does not deserve Egwene.

I’m really liking how this book has given us a lot of different perspectives! It’s refreshing to see what other characters are up to!

Elayne, Thom is basically your step-dad. Please, I am begging you.

Finally, the Black Ajah are going to be scary and not just a totally useless group of 12 people! I’m excited to actually be afraid of them. Absolutely loving Moghedien!

Glad to get the confirmation that Gaebril is indeed Rahvin.

The mind control/compulsion weave is super unnerving from the perspective of someone under the compulsion. The fact Morgase has months and months of fake memories is terrifying!

I would read an entire book about Morgase though ngl.

LINI!!!! I need Lini and Nynaeve to meet so bad. When she said, when you get to my age all sayings are old sayings, I lost it. I would die for Lini.

MORGASE WAS GONNA MARRY THOM SSFDDFSGSDGGDS

Wildly invested in this Morgase-Gareth-Siuan side plot.

I kind of want Morgase and Gareth to meet up before Gareth and Siuan just because I very badly want to see their exes reunion.

Ngl I have no idea what is going on with Padan Fain anymore. I was so sure he was going to be set up as a foil or some kind of parallel to Mat but he seems to be obsessed with Perrin now? Not sure why, but I’m loving his batshit insane vibe.

Something something Moiriane and her relationship to time. Her being like “I have no time” a couple of chapters ago to now being like your right your right we have time.

The Aiel honour system giving positive points to being Aes Sedai and negative points for being Cairhenin making Moiraine cancel out. Amazing.

Everytime Rand is forced to make a big choice I take psychic damage. Baby no... 🥺😢

I want to know more about Aiel Flower symbolism actually. What kinds of plants grow in the waste?

MAGIC SWORD MAGIC SWORD MAGIC SWORD I LOVE MAGIC SWORDS. The Cairhein sun motif just goes so hard. There better be a cool thematic thing that happens with this sword otherwise what is the point??? Also where is this sword from cause like I really doubt that Laman was a blademaster, man does not give me those vibes. SO HYPED FOR THIS MAGIC SWORD WITH A SORDID BACKSTORY!!!!

Just realized Mats thing has a raven on it. Does that have something to do with the Seanchan maybe? Like maybe the Seeker people with the raven tattoos? Or I guess it could just be cursed by the dark one or something. Mat would become un-possed just to go and immediately pick up another cursed object.

RAND BABY NO

What is up with that other doorway terangreal? WHY DOES MOIRAINE CARE ABOUT IT? I just need to know.

Nynaeve as the carnival book-keeper is everything I did not know I needed from life. Every second of screentime Nynaeve gets, I love her more. OF COURSE she says she's the book-keeper.

Everyone reading into everything Rand does as the madness. Me frantically pointing at mat: "is anyone gonna look at that???"

For real though, I don't think Rand is mad at all yet. The little bits and pieces of information we get from his past as Lews Therin are definitely starting him in that direction for sure but all of his choices have been well thought out and logical so far. A lot of characters are saying he's become colder and/or harder since starting on this journey that has now been almost an entire year and are quick to blame this change on the madness. But really all of his choices and decisions are of someone trying to gain trust and respect from those around them and doing what needs to be done. Like sorry Egwene but Rand has not become harder because of the madness. He has become harder because that's what he has needed to become to survive and gain followers.

[kewpiemeayo]

Can you do something with mark grayson where the reader(his gf) cries every time she get complemented because she used to have issues with insecurity ❤️

I'm too uncomfy in this Vancouver weather to write all my requests in full so here's a little h/c!

Mark is shy himself when it comes to dishing out compliments. Especially the first few times he tried, he would either freeze up or completely jumble his words.

He's working on being super smooth when it comes to sweet-talking you or giving you a compliment just to assert his admiration for you.

Once you started to pick up on what he was trying to say, you would shy away or distract him with the good ol', what's that?? pointing out into the distance just to derail his train of thoughts.

Compliments never sat right with you for several personal reasons, something you also didn't feel like bringing up with Mark—he did however sense your discomfort so he never pried.

A few weeks later, after multiple attempts at practicing in the mirror and endlessly complimenting Will, Mark was finally able to tell you just how stunning you were in that cute summer dress under the amber glow of golden hour. He thought you were a goddess.

Your eyes sparkle just right, I don't think any rock in outer space could ever compare.

Tears started to brim at your waterline, nose twitching with anticipation at your building sob—Mark grew so worried his brain stopped actively engaging with the thought of you because he was too busy trying to think back to where exactly he messed that one up.

As you brushed your tears with the base of your palm, your boyfriend finally snapped out of his gaze, a flurry of apologies and questions tumbled out him, hands unsure if he would be allowed to pry your hands away to assess you or if he should sit closer and put his arms around you.

"I'm so sorry, [Y/N]. That probably sounded bad, I meant like-like you're one of a kind, super special and unique you know? Not unique as in bad—oh god this is getting so out of hand. Please don't cry, I'm really sorry I won't say it again!"

That only made you sob even more, now trying to hide, shielding Mark from the sight of you bawling your eyes out.

Your boyfriend was now 100% sure he screwed up, settling on pulling you into a hug instead, eyes darting from side to side to find something—anything—he could distract you with.

Finally calming down, Mark pulled away enough to peer down at you with concerned eyes, "I fucked up really badly didn't I?"

You shook your head, the last of your tears dripping down your chin as you feebly wiped at them as you explained through sniffles that you find it really hard and overwhelming to accept compliments because you didn't see yourself in the same way, laced with worries about your own body and skin, never once able to admire yourself in the mirror.

What do you mean you don't think you look good??? Mark was appalled, he wanted to repeat himself until you smiled and agreed but your boyfriend was also TERRIFIED that it would make you cry again.

In hindsight, this may not have been the best course of action but Mark asked you what exactly it was you didn't like about yourself. Carried away in a shy tangent, you listed the things from head to toe you didn't like, your boyfriend patiently listening to every word.

It was unnerving to point out all your flaws, now afraid that he would have more reasons to dump you over your insecurities, but when you looked over at Mark, he had the sweetest, tooth-rotting smile on his face.

You absolutely dreaded for what was to come next, heart pounding as you tried to will yourself not to cry again, except Mark pull you in for a soft kiss on your lips and casually quipped, "You may not be your own type, but certainly are mine. Perspectives vary from person to person, how you see yourself is certainly not how I see you."

???

"Slowly but surely, you will come to love all those things you listed—which by the way—I either never noticed or I simply don't see it the way you do. It'll be hard to convince you otherwise, but I'll never stop complimenting you, even when you finally give in and see yourself differently."

Mark's smile instantly dropped when you started to tear up again, it's kind of a hard cycle to break but Mark has all the patience in the world when it comes to the love of his life.

Even when you brush him off, roll your eyes or bashfully fold into yourself to avoid his words, Mark will slowly but surely incorporate all the positive words in the world's biggest thesaurus to convey just how much he loves and appreciate you for who you are.

>> Masterlist

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

What's a common thread between ADHD and the asexuality spectrum? The answer might surprise you.

A while back, an ADHD user said in response to my question, “how did mindfulness exercises go?” a single word, “dissociation.”

It was only long after I had replied, that I had to remind myself that people think of dissociation as a scary thing.

I had to remind myself that a psychotherapist I once knew was pretty unorthodox, and gave me perspective on the matter that defused all the mysteriousness and internalized socialized discomfort surrounding it, which is ultimately rooted in both fear of the unknown or unfamiliar, and maybe a little bit of stigma, too.

Naturally, I do not talk about these sorts of things with general people IRL, so newly having a ‘conversation’ online about it did not jostle my awareness of others’ attitudes like it probably should have.

Things like anxiety and ADHD are, let’s say, more “ordinary” neurodivergences. (remember, the word applies to ALL mental illnesses, also, not just traits. Many don't consider most cases of ADHD an 'illness,' nor a lot of presentations of autism)

Those are more "ordinary." They don’t mash that “this is weird” button, so much as simply “this is very unpleasant.”

But dissociation can be the former, and not the latter.

Let me back up and explain that a bit.

People see dissociation as undesirable.

But why is it, you should ask.

Leave aside questions of physical safety. I’m just talking about sitting down somewhere, and there is no risk to you.

In the typical view, it’s not just another operation the brain can do, or an altered mind state, as we discussed it, rather, it is somehow considered a “bad” outcome.

When, ironically, for many forms of mind training, which we’ll put under the umbrella term “meditation” for simplicity’s sake, the end goal is a type of on-command dissociative state.

Whether you are internalizing your attention, externalizing your attention, or just trying to get that danged mind chatter to shut up for once and give you some peace, whichever way you are sliding along that scale, there is always the route open to you to pursue this ultimate peace.

So this person, who was trying out mindfulness?

Think, if you switched all the aircraft cockpit switches to check if everything was lighting up correctly. But instead of being an experienced pilot, you had no idea what would happen once you started testing everything out.

Accidentally withdrawing your physical senses, and seeming to distance your “self” from your body, which experienced practitioners do without batting an eye, (pun intended) would seem like a dysfunction rather than a built-in feature.

Quieting those areas of the brain dedicated to sense perception is quite a lovely experience, when you are educated on it, do it on purpose, and expect it.

Whereas anxiety is almost never a positive experience, unless it’s not really overwhelming or potent, and you’ve 'reframed' it such that it’s exciting, like any other adrenaline junkie bender.

The milder forms of dissociation, termed depersonalization or derealization, that seem to be quite common among asexual people, are also often considered as a negative thing, instead of just the current, value-neutral state of mind, which is trainable.

A much more common and even milder form happens when we sink into routine. Ever had a stretch of weeks on a job where you look back and you feel like you were sort of “automated”? Like you weren’t really present? You’re somehow a little surprised that that much time has passed?

That “time dilation,” accompanied also sometimes by a distorted sense of chronological sequence happens a lot with ADHD people, regardless of circumstances, but most everyone in the populace has experienced it at some point, barring perhaps the super privileged who have never been forced into a literally “mind numbing” job.

Maybe you’ve also experienced the sensation where you get into a car, perhaps when you’re on a familiar route you’ve driven a thousand times, or especially on long road trips, and you seem to zone out and lose time.

The brain is pretty good at conserving energy.

This is what she tells her patients, to calm their sympathetic nervous system. It circumvents that distress, that health-sapping stress response to this ultimately harmless “weird” experience, vastly improving their quality of life:

Dissociation is a continuum- many forms of it are common. Not some super strange thing corralled in a small corner of the sum total of human experience.

“Reframing” these things is essential to attaining incrementally improved mental health.

Clearing away all the internalized judgement, the feelings of wrongness, etc.

Just one more step out of the norm.

Just another neurodivergence.

It is conceptualized as unnerving when it happens suddenly and sharply, though, because it is so different from “ordinary” everyday experience.

The same way one person who hasn’t been around dogs much might react to a large dog barking with fear, and another person standing next to them having the exact same experience, trained and knowledgeable in recognizing true aggression versus excitement or mild warning, would not feel threatened.

Yes, having that particular toggle out of your grasp may be annoying and to those not given this perspective, frightening. (And if other personalities are involved, that gets much more complicated!!) But, consider. One of my mentors said calmly once, that she lost time for, say, 10 or 15 minutes while sitting down quite regularly, and felt very recharged and energized afterwards. It’s not exactly like sleep, because there’s not that head nodding and relaxation of muscles. Almost instantly gone, and instantly aware again, not that feathery transition as happens when drowsing or gradually falling asleep.

I hypothesize to her that this had probably started up because she’s involuntarily dropping into a deep delta or theta brainwave state for a bit, because that’s what she does in ‘brain entrainment’ recordings. (The frequencies are very good for relaxation when you're anxious and have a hard time unwinding yourself, others are good for focus during studying, and are therefore used by ADHD people) Unless she wants to pay some big lab to measure her neuron firing frequency though, there’s no way to tell for sure. The point is, that she directly benefits from this ‘taking a break’ from thinking. She is not bothered in the least by her mind occasionally saying, ‘you know what, I’m overwhelmed right now, gonna switch off for a bit.’ When someone gives their mind this permission to pause from its worries and senses, each the internal and external input, sometimes this is the outcome. It is not a problem to her whatsoever that this toggle occasionally moves of its own accord.

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

But she understands it.

People are afraid of new experiences.

But to her, it’s old hat. On an MRI, each of the parts of the brain dedicated to the senses dim. Occipital lobe for sight, temporal lobe for hearing, etc.

If I were brushed up on the neuroanatomy of this process better, I could also name the parts dedicated to internal imput that would grow dimmer as she entered that state. Heck, they study this stuff so much, when interviewing meditation practitioners and testing for stuff like blood flow changes as their attention shifts, those images probably already exist.

Dissociation is not a mysterious thing.

It serves a purpose.

It’s your brain’s ‘energy saver’ mode.

Or in some cases, ‘recharge.’

So, to the person who argued that ADHD people should be cautious about using mindfulness? I must ask again, why?

Why would you forgo the benefits? Why would they tell others to do so??

Usually the main reasons dissociation causes problems, that aforementioned therapist says, is that people are overloaded to the point where it happens not when they’re relaxed, and can daydream or drift, but randomly when there’s too much pressure in their lives.

The fear response to it is just like any other overactive fear response or phobia- with time and therapeutic work, they are all resolvable.

/////////

#this post is NOT about dissociative identity disorder #only mentioned it in passing to separate it from the discussion

[wonhaebunny]

Unpopular opinion (that l'd like to hear your thoughts on) - the Sports Festival wasn't even half as traumatic for Kats as some people think. People forget that quirk supressants are fanon. There are no supressants in canon - that's why Aizawa's quirk is such a desired thing and why Overhaul's bullets are so revolutionary. It's why villains are put in iron maidens once they're arrested - bc you don't know their full abilities and have to make sure they won't be able to use their quirks. (1/6)

aaa sorry that i’m late, anon! i had to get to my laptop to compile these into one big ask!!! 

and yeah, i get where you’re coming from!! but my big issue with the sports festival isn’t really the cuffs in themselves. it was the fact that the staff felt the need to put him up in the podium while wearing the cuffs and muzzle. it was dehumanising, and villainised katsuki a whole lot more than necessary considering all he really wanted to do was not accept the victory. 

i also think the muzzle was wholly unnecessary. going by your (totally plausible!!) idea that restraints are for safety in the event that people’s quirks might pose a risk, the muzzle had no purpose. katsuki’s quirk doesn’t involve his mouth/voice in any way, so there really was to reason for it other than to humiliate him imo. and if chaining and muzzling him enough wasn’t enough, they had to put him up there on live television like that. plus, from the comments about him “struggling ever since he woke up”, it’s pretty evident that he woke up in chains and was immediately put up on the podium in front of everyone without any notice, let alone consent. that, the whole televising of the ordeal, is my main issue with the entire thing. if they needed to restrain him for safety’s sake, then that’s chill. the restraints still weren’t necessary when they could just use midnight’s quirk, but that’s neither here nor there. safety comes first, and they took the measures they saw fit. but the issue for me is the fact that they shoved him up there and took some kind of twisted amusement in seeing him rattle around. that whole mess was what caught the league’s interest in the first place, if i’m not mistaken. 

while katsuki admittedly does not canonically express any trauma about the sports festival, it’s easy to see that he harbours a lot of trauma about kamino, which was quite directly caused by the sports festival. if he hadn’t been strung up there like a rabid dog for everyone to see, the villains wouldn’t have been so interested in him in the first place. katsuki’s entire wild, uncontrollable reputation is only because of that picture that we see floating around the news after the sports festival in canon, of katsuki chained up and muzzled on the podium. it’s a hard blow to his image. it's just,,, a little unnerving to me that katsuki was kidnapped and had his reputation ruined all for a sick joke on UA's part.

(but yeah, the point about cementoss and midnight is totally valid, mostly because it’s not confirmed if they were even responsible for it in the first place!! i think it’s just accepted in fanon that they were responsible, because it’s so heavily implied that their quirks were the only way it could be possible).

i think the point about characters not canonically expressing trauma is super interesting! but at the end of the day, that’s what fics are for (personally, at least); so we can explore some of the things that we wish would be shown in canon. i think it’s only really so widely hc-ed because it seems so obvious that katsuki should be traumatised after all that. 

for me, personally, it arose out of my watching/reading bnha and thinking to myself, “wow, this kid is really chill with everything that’s happened to him.” 

and i quickly realised that this was a shared sentiment with a lot of other viewers :’)

thank you for this ask, and i hope(??) this answered your questions, at least from my perspective!! have a lovely day, anon :D

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Blending left field jazz elements with club tropes to forge something truly new, Emma-Jean Thackray's work is never less than riveting. New album Yellow is out on July 2, with the composer commenting: “It’s a record about togetherness, the oneness of all things in the universe, showing love and kindness, human connection. I approached the record by trying to simulate a life-changing psychedelic experience, an hour where we see behind the curtain to a hidden dimension, where the physical realm melts away and we finally see that we are all one.” Set to be released via her own Movementt imprint, the album is led by gorgeous new single 'Say Something' - opening with glimmers of Rhodes piano, it leans on that hi-hat shuffle before Emma-Jean Thackray uses her voice to elevate the song. A plea towards communication, it's a powerful introduction. [via Clash]

Philadelphia punk rockers Mannequin Pussy have released the title track to Perfect, their upcoming EP due out May 21. The new song comes with a flashy music video that’s inspired by the kitschy glamor of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, too. Musically, 'Perfect' is a distorted blaze of rock guitars that sees vocalist-guitarist Missy eviscerating the idea that people must manicure their own social media presence. “Last year, I found myself spending more time on my phone than I ever had in my life… I realized that through years of social media training, many of us have grown this deep desire to manicure our lives to look as perfect, as aspirational as possible,” explained Missy in a statement. “We want to put ourselves out there, share our lives, our stories, our day to day — and these images and videos all shout the same thing: ‘Please look at me, please tell me I’m so perfect.’ It’s simultaneously a declaration of our confidence but edged with the desperation that seeks validation from others.” In the accompanying music video, directed by Missy, viewers get to watch as a 10-year reunion at Sugarbush High slowly unravels. It opens on three former classmates, all three of whom are pregnant, dishing some hushed gossip and talking about how they want to get plastic surgery that’s so good they mistake one another for strangers. Cue two students-turned-drag queens making a grand entrance and strutting their stuff on the dance floor (mirroring the 1997 comedy classic) while old classmates gasp, shield their eyes, and panic. Meanwhile, Mannequin Pussy can be seen tearing up the band stage while they perform live. [via Consequence]

Following the release of her debut EP I Can’t Cry For You in December, Manchester’s Phoebe Green is back with new bop ‘IDK’. “[It] explores a complete detachment from reality, observing things from a place of total apathy and feeling as though I’m witnessing my life as a bystander with little to no connection to it,” Phoebe explains. “It’s a horrible state to be in, I think it happens when I get overwhelmed.” [via DIY]

Fast-rising French-Korean artist spill tab is unveiling her latest mesmerising single ‘Anybody Else’. Accompanied by a new vid directed by friend and collaborator Jade Sadler, spill tab says, “This song is cheesy as fuck but I love it, it’s pretty straight forward, a little shameless - the lyrics are sort of a way of expressing my love without openly saying I love you. Jade Sadler (the video director) and I just wanted to have a shit ton of fun on this one. We thought about something with narrative or plot and it was just getting to be too corny. I wanted something lighthearted and playful, so we decided we would have all of our homies in this video paired with different colors and angles and set designs. I’m so excited with the way it turned out.” [via DIY]

Willow Kayne has shared her debut single 'Two Seater'. The Gen Z talent links together huge opposing forces, creating her own potent brand of rebel-pop. New single 'Two Seater' finds Willow blazing a trail, upending convention through melding together differing sounds. The lush, 90s inspired soundscape leans on nostalgic impulses, but her punk-like disregard for convention is sheer pop futurism. Produced by DANIO, it finds Willow Kayne coming into her own completely off the bat. [via Clash]

BENEE has shared a video for her single ‘Happen To Me’. It’s the latest cut from her debut album, Hey u x, which arrived last November featuring guest spots from the likes of Grimes, Lily Allen and Flo Milli. “This song is super important to me,” she says. “It’s the opening track [on the album]. It’s the first song where I’ve written about anxiety. The lyrics are pretty dark. Life is pretty crazy right now, and I think it’s important to talk about this kind of stuff.” Of the video, she adds: “Stoked to be sharing this music video with everyone! I filmed it with a bunch of mates, and it was the coolest set! Hope you love it as much as I do.” [via Dork]

Los Angeles-based art-pop artist Kit Major has shared the music video for 'When the Drugs Don't Work,' a more introspective stab at her signature dark, electropop sound. Blending driving dance beats and thumping hyperpop-influenced synths, Kit Major creates an intoxicating elixir of soundbites and grit. Taking inspiration from Charli XCX, Billie Eilish, and Charlotte Lawrence, 'When the Drugs Don't Work' dives into the overwhelming vulnerability and panic of failing to curb a depressive episode with medication. With this release, Kit Major furthers her efforts to be open and make light of her mental health struggles. On the video, Kit Major shares, "'When The Drugs Don't Work' was filmed in one weekend, directed by my best friend in my departed grandparents' now empty house. We filmed this in quarantine without a crew and worked to create a dark & twisted fairytale together. When I first started thinking about the video, I knew I wanted a more lighthearted take to balance the darker theme of my mental health in the song. I wrote the lyric, “little princess hurt locked away inside her palace,” because sometimes when I'm isolated in my room I visualize myself as a Disney princess running inside her castle, instead of being in my bed, surrounded by empty water bottles. This song was written from a mix of different perspectives including my own, my persona, and outside voices. I think we accomplished the storytelling behind WTDDW by portraying the importance of imagination and trusting yourself."  Alongside, director Noël Dombroski adds, "WDDW is a raw, introspective song from Kit that shines a light on parts of herself that at times may be hard to face. We were lucky enough to be able to shoot at Kit's late grandparents' house, an emotionally significant location that acts in the video as the inside of Kit's head. We wanted to challenge viewers to look at every facet of themselves and realize that each part is valuable, even if you may not like it. A conversation we had a lot was about the color scene, where the image of Kit is being pulled apart by color channels. You may hate one of those colors, but you still need it to create that full image. The same can sometimes be said about depression - it may be a layer of yourself that you don't care for, but without that experience, I don't know that WDDW could exist." The music video dives into the psychological turmoil at the heart of the track with a hyperstylized touch. Spotlights wander through a funhouse version of Kit's childhood home, hunting down our protagonist, who we find trapped behind bars, downing teardrops from teacups and champagne from the bottle. Simultaneously unnerving and stimulating in a Paranormal Activity-meets Alice in Wonderland aestheticism, the music video for 'When the Drugs Don't Work' dives into the floating images of a mental breakdown with a fever dream lucidity.

Number One Popstar continues to prove herself as a powerhouse, shaking up the music world with her fresh, unapologetic beats. This week, she shares another one, her new single 'Forever 21.' And no, it’s not about clothes. 'Forever 21' begins with a kicking beat, but subdued with reflective, twinkly keys. It’s a perfect mix of existential dread and dance. Carrying this vibe throughout, it breaks in between with a beaming guitar-driven bridge. Lyrically, the track makes us question why brands and media make it seem like our twenties are our prime, when we still have our whole lives ahead of us? Despite the effervescent pop sound, Hollowell got vulnerable about her past and its effect on the song, saying, "I initially started writing 'Forever 21' when I found myself looking back on my early 20’s, wanting to recapture the hopeful and dumb feelings of my youth. But the longer I spent on the song, the more it became a reflection of the loss I faced when my parents passed away in my early 20s. I started looking at my own fear of death, of dying like them. I really didn’t know where my life was headed back then. […] I eventually turned that painful experience into a motivation to go after everything I wanted in life. To be seriously less serious, recognizing everything is fleeting.” Like her other music videos, Hollowell likes to flip popular culture and societal expetations on their head. While also bringing the fear of aging to life, she also reminds audiences to stay present instead of holding on to youth. [via Earmilk]

Following in the footsteps of Prince and Lizzo, Dizzy Fae is set to become the Twin Cities’ next pop sensation. She just dropped her brand new track, 'BODY MOVE', and much like the name suggests, it will make you want to move. Self-described as alternative R&B, Fae takes a few notes from contemporary hyperpop artists like Charli XCX and Doja Cat with an industrial iciness that plays off the technicolor pop melodies. It’s an influence you can hear on 'BODY MOVE', produced by New York’s Stelios (Young Thug, SZA). The track builds itself off a snappy, rubber band bass line indebted to pop’s recent disco revival. “It’d be so cruel if I didn’t let my body move,” Fea’s voice loops through a robotic filter. A buzzing drum machines barrels in at the chorus, transforming the lightly retro groove to a futuristic club track more akin to the production styles of 100 gecs. But for all the modern influences, the Ying Yang Twins reference shows she’s a student of all types of music. [via Consequence]

Technically, 'Your Power' is not the lead single from Billie Eilish’s newly announced album Happier Than Ever. The album includes two songs she released last year: the jazzy, well received ballad 'my future' and the contemptuous multi-format radio hit 'Therefore I Am.' However, 'Your Power' is the first song Eilish has released since announcing the new album, debuting her new look, and officially commencing her LP2 era, so there’s definitely a deep sense of anticipations around the song. Eilish teased 'Your Power' this week with a brief sound snippet featuring acoustic guitar and the words “Try not to use your power” sung to a Feist-y melody. Now the full song and its Eilish-directed music video have arrived. The completed record remains as soft, pretty, and devastatingly sad as the preview audio. In the clip, a slow pan across a mountainside in the Simi Valley reveals Eilish in the clutches of a gigantic snake. (A press release specifies that it’s an 80-pound anaconda.) [via Stereogum]

[dayables]

I'm glad you liked my yttd ramble the other day hahsjshsj. And I have some more stuff to say because this game lives rent free in my head.

I love the writing and storytelling from kimi ga shine, I really do but I think the way the later half of the second main game is structured, from a narrative point of view is kinda misleading. The whole focus of the last bit, with the Kanna vs Shin argument is on Kanna. Shin feels unsure and ungrounded so he resorts to interrupting her and abandons his calculated and calm facade he had until that point, which makes sense in a character point of view because it shows how he reacts when he is truly cornered. But it doesn't make sense considering afterwards the game clearly wants you to vote him. Honestly after playing the logic route the first time, the emotion route feels like a fever dream. It's all unicorns and rainbows and is such a contrast to the other option I wonder why we even had a choice in the first place. Unless further down the line there is some type of plot twist where our hope and optimism in the emotion route is punished I don't see why the game pushes so hard to make us feel guilty of killing Kanna in the Shin route. Honestly, after playing a chapter 3 full of internal conflict from Sara and other characters reacting to the traumatic nature of their situation, they seem so naive in the emotion route, idk if I'm explaining myself well enough. Like we fall into this weird bit where they will "for sure make it out alive" and Sara is determined to "bring everyone to safety", everything is "totally gonna be okay" and it just seems so... off? It makes no sense for them to think that right now, especially not after a failed escape attempt and seeing the way the floormasters and dolls can interfere with the game like Gashu did. (And knowing that even if they can take off their collars they will just be killed for desobying the rules from Shin's death)

On Kanna's death "cut scene" Sara literally thinks, and I quote "We need Sou to escape... / I... chose logic... / The worst possible choice..." what???? literally how? The whole point of this choice is that no matter which one it will always be a morally grey answer, there isn't a right or wrong here because either way you're killing one of your allies. And going back to the way the second main game is structured: the focus is all on Kanna so having Shin's death be the final arch for his character seems a bit out of touch. If we wanted that to be his big finale, if he's the one we're supposed to listen to, then why isn't he the one speaking for the majority of the time? The end of the discussion part is all about Kanna, Kanna's sacrifice, her whole speech about Kai's values and hope to defy the game and escape as a group, Kanna's wish to save Sou and Sara like she couldn't save her sister. Then why is listening the Kanna the worst choice? I think they were going for a "double final arch" per say, so you could in fact choose any of the two endings and still have a satisfactory conclusion but why did they have to push so hard afterwards for Shin's death to be "the right choice?". If that's just Sara's guilt speaking why doesn't she feel the same way (or at least the tiniest bit remorseful) for Shin?

And I know it's another level to the whole logic vs emotion, you either get a more satisfying narrative or a happier one but I don't think it had to be that different you know? That and the way the two deaths are handled makes it clear (even if unintentionally) that Nankidai gives priority to the emotion route. And when you can see that to this degree it makes me wonder why is this even a choice in the first place?

In conclusion, I seriously hope the emotion vs logic route isn't the thing that leads the player to a good vs bad ending. Or at least that it isn't as predictable as it seems right now, because if we are doomed right from the moment we chose to save Shin... idk it seems like a cheaper alternative to just have "save the child" as the objectively better ending. And again, I would personally make it so that the whole hero trope, happy-go-lucky nature of the characters in the emotion route would crumble somewhere during the final chapter, they can still have a happy ending but at least make it so that there are some consequences for choosing Kanna over Shin, literally anything at all. Them being suddenly almost unfazed by the deaths of their past allies is so out there it seems completely out of character. Like you said, Sara's stress doesn't come only from Joe's death and Shin's existence, it comes from leading a group of people to almost certain death, why is that no longer a problem? And if the difference between saving Kanna or Shin is more world building and knowledge later on then that needs to be a bigger difference between the routes because right now it's just Kanna good, Shin bad.

Anyways this turned out super long again but I just have. a lot of thoughts. I really do like Nankidai's storytelling, he does a very good job at it but when it comes to this? I think he made some questionable choices, I hope it becomes less linear in the future.

:DDD 

Once again, this is my thoughts explained so well, so I’m going to expand with my thoughts :)

First off,   the game clearly wants you to vote him. is very true. Shin’s death is nearly too perfect. Happy ending, a character arc wrapped up in a bow, constant praise for killing Shin and an even happier next part. A fever dream is the perfect way to describe the emotional route after playing logic  first. Everything about it, seems so off. 

What tipped me off, what really tipped me off, was Kanna’s  reaction to We hin’s death. Especially when compared to Shin’s. Whether or not it’s healthy is debatable but it is at the very least co-dependant. Kanna was manipulated by Shin. Whether or not she cared for him the same way he cared for her* is up for debate. 

*(we don’t have nearly enough context for a clear cut on her motives for her actions in part 2. Shin seems to be more concerned about saving Kanna specifically, while Kanna wants to save everyone including Shin. This can be linked back to her feelings of worthless. Yes, Shin is special to her, she mentions him and Sara. However, if they had not gotten close, Kanna likely would have made the same choice) 

Kanna, almost didn’t seem to care that he died, that everyone else might die (from her own perception of what could happen). For someone who is wrecked by grief and death so much, she’s, just as happy as everyone else? It’s so out of character that she isn’t a teeny bit distressed. 

See, the oh so happy attitude, part can be played off to Sara no longer being swallowed by self-loathing over Joe. She believes she can do it, and that will drastically affect how the part plays out. Yes, that is not where all her issues stem from. But, even that small weight could make all the difference in those moments.  I’m okay with that because Sara is allowed to be unreliable. It’s the others reactions. Everyone is just like her. It’s so surreal how everyone seems have gotten their own Joe AI through someone's death?

The narrative actively pushes that choosing Kanna is the better thing to do logically, while killing Shin is foolish and a choice made from emotions. We are pushed to kill Kanna then rewarded when we save her. It’s all so jumbled. It’s all so wrong. Now from a story telling perspective, it is okay to reward us for listening to our hearts. My issue with the emotional route isn’t that it’s one big happy family, (because how much of that is Sara believing that?). It’s the concept it’s pushed to be better, happier and the ending you want.  

As you said: Why is killing Shin a choice if it’s so bad? 

Is it to give the player an illusion of choice? 

It makes the emotion route so fever dreamish after finishing the emotion route. So jumbled. It makes it less satisfying but I believe it is for a reason. 

Right now everything is too linear. We either have the most important player in this game dead, or against us. It’s not like the Reko/Alice choice. This was so major, so why is it so linear? 

It’s unnerving, how happy the game is when the exact same thing is happening but bleaker when you save Shin. 

It’s terrifying. Everything is the exact same, but it’s not. And it’s something i’ve seen no one else who played emotion first get. Because I don’t know if you can exactly grasp how unnerving their happiness is (I obviously didn’t play emotion first but I’ve never seen anyone point it out despite most of tumblr playing emotion first) at first.

I am terrified of the emotional route for their being nothing bad. Because they’re are bad things and good things. in the logic route. 

Why is one route so happy and the other realistic? Why Nankadai? Why? 

I have belief that this is purposeful. I believe a game that creates dread so easily (look at how we’re all terrified of main games, Midori, part 3b)  and horror (just look at the deaths) is not creating the terror unintentionally. Especially when it’s so easy to miss. 

The fact it can be taken down to Kanna good, Shin bad, is a build-up for a crash. This game built up Kai surviving longer than the first game so well and look at how that went. It takes one slip and the happiness of emotion crashes down like glass. The logic route does not need to end happier, but all Shin needs is a push and the bleakness of Logic cannot hold up. 

These routes are resting on a needle. It takes so many mistakes (more than can be made in a single route) to unintentionally put them there. 

There is a lot of room for this to go wrong. You’re right, it’s bad writing right now for the routes that are so linear to be so different. It’s worrying, jumbled and does not make sense. I agree with you! The choices here are questionable. ^^, I just believe these are purposeful, especially when we don’t know what’s coming next 

[monotonous-minutia]

So I weirdly actually did a thing I said I was going to do.

Here’s a handy dandy list of Nozze productions to avoid if you, like me, love Cherubino, and believe he is a precious sunflower that needs to be protected at all costs.

After watching about 20 productions of this opera (though not all of them in full) I have compiled the following list.

Truncated because it got pretty long:

*Some of what is written here is subjective so I apologize if I end up disparaging a production you’ve seen and enjoyed. But I tried to stay objective and focus on the specific details that made the production safe or not for Cherubino.

**If you’re morbidly curious and want to know what, exactly, goes on in the first two listed here, perhaps message me first to ask before seeking them out to see for yourself, to prepare.

Salzburg 2006

Do not watch this one.

It’s weird, disturbing, and borderline sadistic. I can appreciate odd productions if they look at operas in new ways, try a different take, or magnify certain elements to bring in a fresh perspective. This production does none of that. It’s just weirdly disturbing for no apparent or forgivable reasons. I’ve spent a decent amount of time searching for answers on this one but none of the critiques I’ve found have any clue what this is supposed to be, so whatever the director was trying to say, their attempts failed miserably and left an atrocity in their wake. EVERYONE in this damn thing (except Cherubino) is a freaking asshole, the set is minimalist to the point of being irrelevant and confusing, and there’s this weird, winged Cherubino look-alike going around controlling people like puppets and making them do weird dance moves during their numbers. Obviously this director did not know how to embrace the concept that some people can just stand still while they’re talking or singing. Also, people hardly ever make eye contact and it’s unnerving, like they’re all zombies. There are a lot of other small, weird details that just keep building to make this thing a terrible production overall. The worst thing about it is poor sweet Cherubino. He’s an innocent, delicate flower that’s abused by everyone in unbearable ways. I don’t even want to go into it. I beseech you not to watch this because it’s honestly kind of traumatizing. Just pretend this one doesn’t exist and you’ll be okay. 

Redeeming factors: absolutely none. Cherubino is adorable and too pure for this world but that just makes the whole thing ten times worse because of all the terrible, terrible things that happen to him.

Dutch National Opera 2016

Proceed with caution for this one. It’s a shame because the production itself is pretty decent, and Susanna and the Contessa are great. The set is interesting—versatile, rotating, lots of doors that are utilized in interesting ways. It’s mostly portraying the somewhat-empty house that the cast is moving into it (at least that’s what I gathered). Reasons to avoid: Figaro is an asshole, the Count is downright gross, and Cherubino is treated terribly by almost everyone (except the Contessa and Susanna, bless them). The only part I like is the Act 2 scene between the three of them where they are all very sweet to each other and Cherubino is delighted to dress up and the kindness he’s shown here by the ladies makes up for some of the other things that happen. The worst stuff I won’t get into; I can’t talk about it without getting super upset. In general, Cherubino is terrorized by the Count on multiple occasions (physically threatened, punched, and thrown around), Figaro is super mean to him, and he doesn’t really get any closure at the end except that Barbarina dotes on him and he clearly loves her so we can imagine that he’ll be okay. It is a joy to watch him being super awkward, dreamy, and cheeky; I just wish he’d been given a better production.

My recommendation for this one, if you do want to watch it, is skip “Non piu andrai” and go right to Act II, although there’s one aspect that’s hard to explain without seeing that. For now let’s just say: there’s a reason Cherubino is wearing a beanie at the top of the second act, and it’s Figaro’s fault. You don’t need to know what else happens. (My rec: skip forward like ten minutes after the last recit, then seek backwards until you see Susanna sitting on a crate holding a remote which is the start of Act II. That way you don’t have to see the scene even in fast-motion.) At any rate please don’t watch that scene. I want to find the person who staged it and punch them. The rest is bearable; just be warned, it’s not fun or pretty.

Honesty hour: Figaro is mean enough too that I want Susanna and Rosina to run off together and just marry each other because their chemistry here is amazing. And take Cherubino with them and keep him safe and loved forever.

Redeeming factors: Interesting set, great leading ladies, insanely adorable Cherubino, and also it’s insinuated that the Contessa actually leaves Almaviva at the end; she even threatens him with his own hunting rifle and everyone else just watches in morbid fascination. She does put the gun down at the last second, but she doesn’t go to him after, so maybe he gets kicked out. We can only hope.

Salzburg 2015

Tbh this one’s just weird and probably not worth your time anyway. The set looks like the wall of the house was cut off so we can see all the rooms inside, upstairs and downstairs, at the same time. It’s an interesting device showing how all of the scenes interact, but it’s no utilized very well. There’s so much business in multiple rooms at one time that it’s hard to focus on the people who are talking and singing at the moment. The cast is mediocre. We get Pisaroni as the Count which should have been worthwhile but isn’t because of the weirdness of the production. It’s honestly hard to tell what or who anyone is supposed to be here. Plus there’s blatant abuse from the Count to the Contessa and it’s hard to watch especially because I’m more used to a huggable Luca and this doesn’t do him justice imo. Additionally, I typically stan gay Basilio, but here he’s got a thing for Cherubino, and Cherubino is super not into it so it just comes across as gross. Mostly Cherubino is just pushed to the sidelines (the Count literally locks him into the closet for most of the end of the first act). So it really minimizes his character in general and is disappointing to Cherubino fans.

Redeeming factors: Susanna is really cute, Figaro is nice, “Non piu andrai” is not sadistic, but this is mostly because everyone leaves the room when he starts singing it so he’s just talking to himself which is weird anyway. At least there is nothing Unspeakable although I do wish I could wipe this Basilio out of my brain. Also Margarita Gritskova as Cherubino being dapper and sweet and I’d say Pisaroni but I’m not a fan of him being the mean old Count when he should be playing those sweet Rossini baritone roles.

Salzburg 1995

Susan Graham is Cherubino and she’s super adorable, although she’s taller than almost everyone else which is awkward and amusing. However everyone is VERY mean to Cherubino. Even Susanna. He gets thrown around a lot which is just sad to watch. The production overall is kind of unremarkable and the picture/sound quality isn’t great either. Watchable but just be prepared for an annoying amount of meanness from characters who should be a lot nicer.

Redeeming factors: Susan Graham is amazing and adorable. That’s pretty much it. Someone tell me what is up with Salzburg and this opera, seriously.

Royal Opera House 2006

This Cherubino is a precious duckling who gets thrown around by everyone, especially Figaro, which is super sad. Honestly so many of these are ruining the character of Figaro for me. This one is watchable and decent except for Mean Figaro. The set is elaborate and detailed but sometimes the background action with the supers gets distracting. The rest of the cast is alright but I wish they would be nicer to Cherubino who hasn’t done one single thing to warrant the abuse. I recommend avoiding it for those reasons but it’s not as bad as some of the others.

Redeeming factors: Intricate, pretty set, Dorothea Röschmann being an adorable Contessa, and Cherubino being gawky and cute.

To balance out the depressingness here are some Nozzes that I highly recommend!

Garsington 2017

My absolute favorite, a pure delight. Though there are no big names here, the entire cast is amazing. The set is glorious, detailed without being distracting, super versatile to fit all the scenes, and the final act is actually in a garden and it’s just so PRETTY. The chemistry between Figaro and Susanna is lovely; they obviously adore each other and are a great team throughout all their plots. The Count is reasonably dislikable without being detestable, so the apology at the end is actually kind of believable (though it’s hard to pull off in general). He and the Contessa actually have an interesting dynamic so you can kind of see how they might make things work in the end (some of their arguments are more banter-y than mean and they actually make out briefly in “Susanna, or via, sortite” as if they’re kind of turned on by each other’s fury). The supporting cast is great too, full of personality and mischief. The staging is lighthearted, genuine, and intricate. THIS is what a Nozze should be! Cherubino is adorable, cheeky, super loveable, a SHAMELESS flirt, and best of all everyone loves him (except the Count obviously). Figaro is really nice to him too and “Non piu andrai” is really cute because he and Susanna are teasing him the entire time but it NEVER gets mean and it’s honestly so refreshing. Highly recommend this one!

Met 1998

Featuring my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE CHERUBINO, the incomparable Susanne Mentzer, as well as my favorite Contessa ever, Renèe Fleming. I could talk about those two forever. They are both individually fantastic and their collaboration is amazing. I died, to be honest. Also features an amazing Susanna courtesy of Cecilia Bartoli and a simply adorable Danielle de Niesse as Barbarina. Figaro is pretty mean to Cherubino especially during “Non piu andrai” (seriously what is it with directors and this number) but it’s nothing compared to so many others so it’s watchable especially because Mentzer is fantastic and she steals the entire scene without even saying anything because she’s amazing. Her Cherubino is just the sweetest, sassiest, most adorable, energetic, and expressive Cherubino ever to bless the operatic stage. She’s exactly what Cherubino should be in every way and the production fully supports it. Watching the entire Cherubino-Susanna-Contessa scene in Act 2 is one of my favorite things in the world. The production itself is classic, detailed and true to the period, busy without being distracting, and the rest of the cast is good too.

Liege 2018

A very cute production featuring a super sweet Figaro who teases Cherubino but is not mean to him. Cherubino is sassy and endearing and very much the flirt with every lady in sight, and is pretty popular among them. The rest of the cast is good too and we get a particularly sassy Susanna (whose chemistry with the Contessa is lovely). The set is simple but very pretty. Another lighthearted, sweet, and genuine portrayal that stays true to the heart of this opera.

Glyndebourne 1973

A classic; lots of familiar names, lush period set/costumes, and staging that’s simple but effective. Featuring the insanely adorable Frederica von Stade as Cherubino. Her smile melts my heart every time. A mostly nice Figaro and great leading ladies.

Obviously there are way more productions out there, and I’ve watched more than this, but these are the ones that to me are most noteworthy from one end of the scale or the other.

This list may get longer as I watch more, but I think I’m going to take a break from Nozze for a little bit (or more likely just re-watch the Garsington one and Mentzer’s Cherubino over and over again).

[ckret2]

A while back you said “Generally I like to imagine Zim/Membrane as some kind of psychological/paranormal horror story (with most of the horror, of course, being on Prof Membrane’s end)” and I am intrigued. Care to enlighten us on what a darker Zimbrane might be like?

Well, this is the second time I've gotten this exact ask, so sure, why not. I tried to put in a read more and tumblr DELETED IT so i'm trying to edit it back in but if it doesn't stick, I apologize for the long post, I tried my best.

So let's rewind to episode 1 and start off with a full AU. Zim lands on earth and decides not to disguise himself among mere schoolchildren; instead, he does, like, five minutes of research on the planet he's just landed on and decides that the most useful place to infiltrate will be the scientific labs of the planet's greatest genius, so he can properly assess the planet's pathetic technological advancements and defenses and counter them accordingly.

So cut to Membrane labs and that was the last time we're gonna be in Zim's perspective. From now on it's all Membrane, all the time. And what he knows is they've just got a new recent grad ("graduate at what level? bachelor's, master's..." "I am the master of ALL!!" "master's level, cool") working for them. He says his major was in "everything that is known of the sciences on this filthy planet" and that his alma mater is "a university SO advanced you haven't even heard of it!" and like, with credentials like that, he's clearly going to be a great asset to the lab. And he asks so many questions! Clearly he's preparing to work on his doctorate and is prodding around for interesting subjects to write on. Membrane supports this ambitious fellow completely.

But something's odd. The first time his son visits the lab and sees their newest hire, he starts screaming about how he's an alien. Membrane always knew that Dib was a bit... obsessed with his fantasies—hunting for things that don't exist—but Membrane had always comforted himself with the knowledge that claiming he's looking for cryptids and claiming he's found cryptids are totally different things. This... this is a disturbing new development. He's starting to really worry about his son.

Thankfully, New Guy Zim takes it in stride—says he gets this all the time thanks to his skin condition, humans can be sooo gullible. His work isn't disturbed at all.

And wow, what work he does. He sees potential flaws in their lab work and inventions long before anyone else does. Lots of the other employees think he's an obnoxious little know-it-all, but Membrane recognizes his genius for what it is and is constantly amazed at his insights. He's basically the only one who can always keep up with Membrane's latest inventions & creations, understanding the science as easily as though it were elementary to him. And Zim is constantly expressing surprise that Membrane keeps up with his work, which is kind of weird, since Membrane has been doing this a lot longer than fresh-out-of-some-master's-program Zim has. But maybe it's because he's never actually worked in a lab doing REAL SCIENCE before. He's astounded to be around his peers. That's clearly it.

At one point Zim irritably shoves aside another inventor trying to get some doohickey working and with thirty seconds and some crap he pulled out of his backpack he gets a device working that they've been tying to get to function for the better part of a year. Membrane praises Zim effusively. (The inventor, who at this point is sick of Zim's crap, quits on the spot.) And Zim's little eyes light right up.

Suddenly he's inventing new things so fast Membrane doesn't know when he has time to make them—it's like he's just pulling them fully formed out of some closet he's got them all tossed in at home. Membrane is over the moon. His lab's never been this booming. And Membrane's got to confess: when someone is that good at science—possibly better even than Membrane himself—that's... kinda hot. Kinda super hot.

As a bonus, Dib's making more excuses to hang out at Membrane's lab. Membrane is sure that it's to "monitor the alien," but if it means he's exposed to more Real Science, ultimately it's gotta be good for him. At least Dib's hostility toward Zim has cooled somewhat—"I thought he was here to try to take over the planet, but, I dunno, it looks like he's just sharing the wisdom of his alien society with us? Which doesn't seem so bad." He's still totally convinced Zim is an alien, though. Ah, well. And he's determined to convince Membrane, too: "You know that energy absorbing creature thing he pulled out today? Do you have any idea what research he based it on? Like, is this a creation that naturally progresses from any of the current science we've got? You'd know, Dad, you're on top of every new development. So what's this one based on? Isn't it weird that you don't know? As if he's—oh, I don't know—sharing the end product of a field of scientific research that's centuries, if not millennia, farther along than ours?"

And Membrane's got to admit: he has found it weird. He has wondered how Zim just leapfrogs over gaps in their scientific knowledge to seemingly create things based on discoveries no one has made yet. Membrane's assumed that he's just using his own research—research he hadn't shared—but maybe...

No. No, that's crazy. Membrane would be crazy to think it. Zim is just a talented, gifted, genius, normal human.

Who is absolutely ravenous for Membrane's praise.

And thaaat's about the point they start dating.

First it's lamenting about the recent difficulties in the lab together. (They've has a lot of resignations lately, wonder why. But no problem, Zim's had some great success automating the more menial tasks with robot labor...) Then it's hanging out discussing Science, because that's definitely what scientists do in their spare time. Then it's occasionally grabbing dinner together. (Zim's got some weird dietary restrictions, probably due to his skin condition, but Membrane can adapt.) Then it's going to scientific conferences together to save money on hotel rooms but oh no the only room left has only one bed so Membrane's sleeping on the very edge of the bed staring at the wall in the dark going oh shit oh fuck oh hell this is an opportunity here but does he like me like me or does he only like me I am a sweaty hormonal 15-year-old experiencing a first crush and don't know what to do with myself because we've never actually discussed whether we're dating or hanging out

(Membrane sleeps in his full lab wear, minus boots but still in socks, under the blankets, like a monster. Zim spread eagles to take up as much of the bed as possible and stares at the ceiling all night because he's not sure what's involved in human sleep besides lying down and being still.)

Things are going great! They're going great. Except the more time Membrane spends with Zim outside of a lab setting, the more strange Membrane realizes he is. Not in a bad way—it's a very attractive strangeness—but more and more he finds himself wondering...

And then Dib admits he snuck into Zim's house (he snuck into Zim's house?!) and found evidence that actually he is here to take over the world, Dib doesn't know why he's handing over so much of his species's technology but it's got to be a trap of some kind, dad, dad, you've gotta believe him, they've gotta do something—

And then Zim escalates the flirting to the point where it's unambiguous. Like, "hand job in the office when the door is closed" escalates.

Hard to misinterpret that.

At that point it's a torrid, very weird love affair, and Membrane is finding himself increasingly and alarmingly unsure whether Zim is actually into him, or is trying to pump him for information on what work is being done at other major global scientific labs—he can't tell whether Zim likes Membrane or just wants Membrane to like him—but whatever the case, Membrane does like him, even if he's finding him increasingly unnerving, and he's constantly getting the impression that even with all Zim's shown off to him, there's even more he's holding back. But how can that be? How can there be more? It doesn't make sense unless Zim really is...

But he's not, he's not. That's crazy, that's crazy, that's crazy.

At one point in bed (they're in bed now—Zim doesn't like to take his clothes off, doesn't want to be touched between his legs, only gets satisfactions from strange touches and strange actions and Membrane isn't actually sure whether he gets off or not or if he's getting something else out of it, and sometimes he doesn't want to be touched at all, sometimes he just touches and watches—)

At one point in bed, Zim hisses a confession that sounds so true and so sincere that it makes every other thing he's ever said sound a bit more untrue by comparison; he says never in his life has he been appreciated like this, never in his life has he been admired, not once until he got here, never, ever, ever—Membrane's not sure if Zim's trying to say he's grateful, trying to say he's flattered, trying to say "I love you," trying to confess some kind of childhood trauma—because he doesn't say anything more than that. But just from that little bit, Membrane is Deeply Moved.

But also unnerved. What did he mean, "until he got here"? Here from where? Did "here" mean Membrane lab? Did "here" mean Earth?

Because as Membrane is trying to deny it, and as hard as Zim's been trying to distract him (oh, god, is that what Zim's been doing, has this all been an attempt to distract Membrane after Dib broke into his house?), the truth is there's a very large part of Membrane that now, after spending a whole lot of personal time with Zim, now thinks there's more evidence than not that Zim is, in fact, an alien.

This horrifies Membrane. Because there's only two possibilities: either he's wrong, or he's right.

If he's wrong, then that means he's gone nuts, he's let his own son suck him into his delusions when as the father it should be his job to help guide his son's mind, help his son tell true from false; and it means he's in no fit mental state to do REAL SCIENCE, he's in no state to be running a lab, he's probably in no state to be raising his own kids, like he's not sure if "does the parent believe one of the people closest to them is an alien" is a criteria for determining whether a child should be taken from the parents but Membrane would certainly not trust that such delusions wouldn't seep into their parenting and for the sake of his kids he has to hold himself to that same standard; and it means that he's wrongly suspecting his own lover of not being human, which, god, what a cruel thing to think, and over what, a skin condition and some odd behavior quirks, it's the twenty-first century equivalent of conflating mental illness with demonic possession, and is there any possible higher injustice he could do to the man he lo— Does he love Zim?

Is Membrane in love?

But if he's right, if he's right, then it means Zim is an alien. It means Zim is an alien masquerading as a human. It means Zim is not some eager young scientist showing off his brilliance, it means he's... what? Is he here to take over the planet, like Dib says? If so, can Membrane trust anything he's ever done or said? Is he flooding Membrane's lab with new inventions because if he replaces human technology with his own then he can control it? Is Dib wrong, is Zim a benevolent alien sharing his technology? Has his relationship with Membrane been a very dedicated ruse to get close to his resources? Or to distract him from the truth? Or to manipulate him into assisting in his alien agenda?

Membrane doesn't know which possibility is worse.

But he can't go on not knowing.

So he goes to Dib and says, you want me to believe Zim's an alien. Here's your opportunity: prove it. Do your very best. Membrane's listening. With... a reasonably open mind, but not so open his brain falls out.

Dib's over the moon.

Membrane's not sure whether he dreads the possibility that Dib's going to pull out a cork board coveted in unrelated conspiracy theory articles and strings connecting them or the possibility that Dib's going to pull out incontrovertible evidence more. But what Dib says is okay it's infiltration time. Wear something stealthy. Lab coats aren't stealthy, dad. Membrane's like oh good great we're breaking and entering now. Well, if he's going to be entertaining mad theories, then he might as well go absolutely off the deep end with it.

So they break into Zim's house.

The underground base is compelling evidence but maybe he's just... he's just got... a really advanced home lab... Membrane's home lab is pretty advanced too. Dib's like dad PLEASE. Look, on that computer over there he's still got the window open for the order page for that new "invention" he showed off at work last week. He bought it on the internet! The ALIEN internet!

While Membrane's still reeling from that, they run into Zim. Sans disguise. Zim's face goes through about twelve emotions in two seconds, starting with Shocked Beyond Words and ending with Time For A Villainous Monologue. He's like SO! You have seen my TRUE FORM!! You're going to try to STOP ME?!?!?! and membrane's like uh I uh I well uh erm that is, if Zim happens to be planning to take over planet Earth in order to hand it over to some kind of alien empire, then no, Membrane isn't going to let him do that. And Zim's like THEN WE ARE ENEMIES!!!!!!! and Membrane's like oh.

A dumb fight is had. Membrane's sort of in over his head, mainly because he's still reeling from the disbelief that he's been dating an alien. It ends with Zim kicking them both out (rather than, say, killing them—which seems a little odd for an alien hellbent on world conquest, doesn't it?) and then crowing "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ZIM!" and packing up his base and vanishing. He's just gone. Surely he hasn't left Earth, but he's relocating to god knows where and they're gonna have a hell of a time tracking him down now.

Membrane needs to go home and go to sleep. (He doesn't get any sleep.)

So that's phase 1 of the story. Phase 2 is Horrified Membrane and Gleeful Dib teaming up to stop Zim. Membrane gets hauled into the Swollen Eyeball and hates it. ("Where do you work?" "NASA Place." "Oh thank goodness, a fellow man of science! What's your field? Astronomy? Engineering?" "Janitor." "Oh.") Zim encounters are far more sparse because all the How To Human knowledge Zim picked up at the most advanced lab on Earth and while trying to convince Membrane one-on-one that he's definitely a normal human have made him much better at evading detection. And every showdown is... emotionally fraught.

Turns out Zim was suppressing half his personality while pretending to be human. This new real Zim is a lot more maniacal. Maniacal Zim is... unfortunately also hot.

Zim doesn't act like he feels anything for Membrane now. Is that because it was all a ruse, or is he concealing his emotions the way he once concealed his true alien self? Is Membrane really picking up on hints of suppressed attraction and yearning and frustration under his efforts to stop Membrane & Dib from thwarting his efforts—or is that just wishful thinking?

When Zim extends an offer for Membrane to join him, is that to throw him off his game, to manipulate him, or due to a sincere desire to not fight him? Is the offer he makes mid battle between one maniacal laugh and the next different from the offer he makes in the dark two inches behind Membrane's ear in the middle of the night when Membrane thought the house was locked and secure?

Did Zim make any of the wonderful toys he used to so impress Membrane? Is he actually an inventor, a scientist, in any capacity? Is he actually scientifically inclined, or was the vast knowledge he showed off equivalent to kindergarten stuff for his species? (And if his knowledge is extraordinary for a human but ordinary for an alien, is it wrong for Membrane to still find himself drawn toward considering Zim extraordinary anyway?) Is Membrane mistaken, or is Zim even now trying to show off with new toys? Is he wrong, or is there pain under Zim's anger when Membrane accuses him of having imported his weapon of the day?

When he insists that they don't need to fight, if only Zim gave up trying to conquer the world they could have productive SCIENTIFIC EXCHANGES between their species, it doesn't need to end with one of them eliminating the other... is he imagining that Zim actually listens for a moment?

Is he imagining that Zim seems reluctant to permanently harm him?

Is he imagining that Zim still flirts with him mid-battle?

Or is it manipulation? Or is it petty cruelty?

Or is it a wishful delusion?

[popculturebuffet]

Animation Reviews:Star Vs: Mr.Candle Cares

Tom is back! Yeah I know this took about a month, with the pride month reviews and life being kind of chaotic, I put these next two tom reviews on the back burner, even doing another star review in the meantime for Father’s Day. But with Pride Month winding down and our next episode up being gaytatstic, it was time to come back. It’s just a shame it had to be this one.  We’re in Season 2 now, and early in it, with this being only the third episode and the first to not involve the main plot, as the first two dealt with the fallout of the first season finale, and set up some of the main conflicts for the season. I WILL cover those arcs eventually and recap parts of them if necessary but for now they have zero impact on what happens here. That being said just because it dosen’t tie into the main arc with Ludo and Toffee-Wand, dosen’t mean it’s not important, as this episode both marks a major turning point for tom and also digs into the recurring theme for the next two seasons of star grappling with her responsiblities.. in this case future ones. We also get a peak into her mom’s personality. So with not much exposition to cover, I will see you under the cut.. please?

We open at school and it’s career day, something my school didn’t have for whatever reason, but is a common thing as new Gudiance Counsler mr candle has so far been giving everyone really great advice that fits what they want. Star is eager to have her turn and soon does.  Inside the office Star is offered Candy, which she politley refuses before we find out, unsuprisingly, Star thinks he’s a fourtune teller. A great bit. The mood quickly drops deep into the basement when Candle hammers into star that her destiny is to be queen and it’s carved in stone despite what other plans she may have. THen things get.. a bit creepy with Mr.Candle asking if Star’s dating marco and when she says no and that i’d be weird to date given they live together he urges her to start thinking about her future husband.  And yes I’m aware Tom probably wrote his script, and Tom knows about as much about school as star Does or else Mr Candle would’ve been suspended, at least for this, it’s still unnerving to hear a grown man not only before this tell a teenager she has no choice in her future, but then try and set her up with an unstable teenager in the creepiest way possible and somehow not get fired. It’s hard to watch Star leaves depressed and it’s marco’s turn.. and once again Mr.Candle proves to be a pretty terrible minon, suggesting Marco be a janitor on garbage island. Now as probably isn’t a shock to you given most of you have probably seen this ep, and we’ll find out in a minute anyway, Tom is behind this: trying to keep star and marco apart and get her back with him. And while parts of this do stink of Tom’s own lack of understanding of star, more on that later, and hatred of Marco, as well as not getting earth, as we’ve seen Mr.Candle is actually godo at his job and we see a bit of a real session that’s not part of an emo’s poorly thought out scheme that proves it. He could EASILY manipulate both, or at least try to with marco, but instead just goes along with a script written by a teenager that instead makes one of his targets depressed and the other instantly ready to tell him off or , had Candle been less lucky, go to the principal with this. Now granted this level of gross incompence is another day at echo creek, but it just dosen’t work. I don’t buy that tom couldn’t of found someone more competent with the giant amoutns of money he has to throw around. Then again Tom is really bad at evil when you think about it: I mean sure he can throw hands, as we’ll see in later episodes, but his evil schemes are poorly thought out at best and i’m certain if he had stayed a bad guy after this episode, he would’ve dropped to just proposing to star every time he sees her like teddy from brooklyn nine nine. 

So naturally Marco and Star talk about this with Star really depressed about seemingly being trapped becoming queen, while Marco gushes about how great being queen would be from his perspective... including never having to pick out clothes, fair enough, and never having people not like you, which is depressing. Poor boy. I missed this Marco: Awkward, insecure, but likeable. and also very much possibly gender fluid. Why they threw that out i’ll never know, but it’s canon for me now at least.  Anyways, Marco decides to confront candle int he bathroom because why not. It’s not any more awkward than Candle trying to convince star to make out with tom without saying tom’s name. But yeah as I let out of the bag early above, Marco finds Candle talking to tom via the toilet, and tom is livid he didn’t mention his name, while Candle insists he’s working on it and that Starco, and he uses that word exactly to Marco’s confusion and my delight as I do like when writers latch on to fan terms and poke a bit of fun at them, is platonic. Tom tells him to be sure and Mr Candle dismises him. Before tom can get too mad about this, Candle reveals i’ts becaue he has to pee and tom insists he flushes first. A really great gag.  So to try and compete with tom and candle for dumbest person this episode, Marco has his own stupid plan: Brag about being “smooch buddiess” with star to piss him off.  I assume the next two steps are ???? and profit. I”d also like to note for those unaware that this clip was used in the promo and assumed it was a love spell or some sort of altered mind thing, as it was way too early in the series for them to get together, and smacked of “let’s bait the shippers and hope they don’t get too pissed”. Given I did ship them at the time, it was massively annoying knowing this was obviously out of context, but it’s better than when I watched avatar first run and any hint of kataang was played up and an entire fucking episode was dedicated to fucking with shippers heads. I really need to rewatch avatar on netflix I have NOOOO excuse. Anyways naturlaly the obvious happened; A pissed off tom, who Need I remind you last time nearly killed marco and only didn’t because star used freeze dry and it was super effective, who drags marco away to a tourture wheel. Meanwhile, Star goes to her mom for support. So I get to talk about Moon: Star’s distant mother who’s her exact oppsite: strict, stone faced and in control at all times. And she does LOVE her daughter and get some development later on, but it still dosen’t change her core and she still has real issues actually listening to star that, like some of star’s own issues, she never really grows past. So natrually this goes about as well as trying to get a cat to do anything: She confirms star is kinda stuck inherting the throne before , in an oddly sad moment.. being genuinely confused when Star asks if she’s happy. It’s... a really good character moment to be honest, and sets up her character well now she’s being fleshed out better this season: Moon just.. really dosen’t care about herself or her own hapiness. I mean her marriage is , paradoxically, one of the only marriages in the mewni queenship that not only lasted but is very healthy, but otherwise she just dosen’t care. The kingdom comes first... and to me it comes from the later revlation she was orphaned around 15. She just spent most of her life putting the kingdom FIRST, just like she figured her mother would’ve and probably did, and putting her heart and soul intot hat. And thus she can’t really fahtom someone being SCARED of all that responsiblity and drudgery when for her, it was just a fact she had to accept at star’s age. She probably woudl never be happy but the kingdom’s what important. The thing is A) that’s deeply unhealthyt o begin with and B) it’s easier to accept something like that when you’ve lost your mom, your dad’s never been around and you have only one other person in your life supporting you. Star has LOTS Of other things to her life: friends, hobbies things moon never had a shot at. Not only that but Star’s lived her life iwth a mother who, rather than be supremley happy and beloved like moon’s own mother, seemd miserable, strict and a workaholic.. things star wants to avoid being. Their very strained relationshp probably isn’t helping this. Moon quickly leaves the conversation, but it instead just makes Star spiral further and decide to do something.. drastic.  Meanwhile in hell. 

Okay not that bad. Let’s try this agian meanwhile in hell. 

I said not THAT bad. Jesus. 

Close enough. So in hell, specifically Tom’s room. Marco admits he was just getting tom’s goat, which his goat skull objects to, and while Tom is oddly mad Marco lied marco actually gets to tom by countering he lied to star... which is true not just this time but last episode too. Tom relases marco from his pain wheel. 

And states that he can’t let him go, he knows too much etc etc, and challenges marco to a fight to the death, which marco acccepts.. inping pong. However tom is really great at ping pong and destroys him.  Back with star she’s gotten a great punk makeover. I do wish that star had a permanent outfit change at some point as her temporary looks are always great, and it woudln’t of killed them to do it in season 3 when they had to change over the intro anyway. Alas. She plans to do something drastic.. we’ll find out why in ab it. Back at ping point Marco challenges for double or nothing, despite tom having multiple paddles and him having none and the scorring demon begging him to stop. Tom obliges him, and the two.. actually start to bond. We’ll get way more of that next time. Btu the two bond over how star just tends to cheat, making up rules or changing them to win at the last minute, and how she just does what she wants.. and it’s then.. Marco FINALLY gets through to tom and points out the obvious: Star won’t get back together with him unless it’s what Star wants and Tom gives a face that screams ‘my god what have I done” realizing both how hew’s screwed up and how for now at least, he may never get her back and no amount of scheming will fix it. It’s a great character moment: Tom finally realizes that he can’t just.. MAKE star love him. You can’t MAKE someone love you, they have to want it too. And star dosen’t want him right now and his stalking is only hurting her.  It’s here Tom turns a corner. This episode was his lowest moment for sure, as while the blood moon ball scheme was sleazy, trying to make her love him via a magic moon thing was creepy, it wasn’t horribly intentioned and while I do think tom knew it’dmake her love him again I don’t think he knew the full extent of the moon’s magic or how it’d tear her apart inside if she say loved someone else, as ended up happening since it didn’t let her let go of her feelings for marco while with tom himself. Here he knows what he’s doing is wrong,  as Marco’s comment makes clear, but is so desperate he’s gone with an insane, dumb and really creepy and manipulative scheme. He TRIED being nice, that didns’t work so he probably felt he had to get more creative and more manipulative... i’ts just he didn’t realize while he LOVES being Royalty, star hates it. While Tom’s parents, who we’ll get into more in a review or two, were loving and supportive, even if his dad may not have been at this stage again we’ll get to his parents when they show up, are fully loving and supportive star’s are loving.. but one of them as we saw just dosen’t GET HER. So while to tom the crown is a great thing to star it’s not so mucha nd given he has trouble with empathy, Tom simplyc an’t understand how much he hurt her until marco spells it out for him And it isn’t just in the text either; As I said in the previous tom review, the writers clearly weren’t wure which way to go with tom, so this episode was the turning point: would tom get worse and become star’s enemy fully.. or would he do the unexpected, at the time anyway, and truly try to change and become another loveable member of her inner circle? And honestly.. I feel they made the right decision. Tom really dosen’t fit into the mewman oppresion cycle as neatlya s the other antagonists who are either the opressors or the result of them. He’s a privlaged kid on the outside of it, as , again , i’ll dig into more in the future. And the show kind of.. outgrew recurring antagonists by season 3. They had a few set up this season, but most either faded away or went all the way up to big bad, and I feel the writers realized that tom just.. didn’t work as that and worked better as a kid struggling with being better than as an incel douchebag antagonist. And given he’s one of the two things that helped prop the show up during it’s worse moments in the latter half, it was the right call and the reason i’m doing this arc at all.  Anyways Tom and Marco head back to the diaz house where Star.. has a mermaid and is complteplating chopping off her tail so she can legally never become queen... yeah I meant what I said when I said drastic. Tom however reveals his deception, and .. genuinely apologizes, another sign of growth, letting star go for now. He does get a WELLLLL earned slap, as I said his actions this episode were the lowest he’d sink and still really creeptastic.. but accepts his apology after that, appricating that he at least apologized and grew a bit.  Star, while now not going to disfigure someone to save herself, I mean that sort of thinking did give us the doom patrol but still, is still bummed about being queen when Marco, in a good bit of ship tease back when this ship wasn’t in my nightmares, tells her that yeah she’s stuck being queen.. but tid osen’t mean she has to be miserable. Don’t do it like moon, do it like you. They hug, and Tom, in another great bit of growth, just smiles and heads off, letting them have this moment and letting star go.  We get one final scnee where candle bails on local alpha bitch britney after tom recalls him which sends her into a depressive spiral later in the series. Ha ha... why did they bring this character back for Season 4?  Final Thoughts:  This episode is the queen of mixed bags. Seriously on one hand there IS some really damn good character stuff, with Star confronted with the hard truth of her becoming queen and begining this and next season’s theme of star building up to her future, and Tom going from 1 and a half dimensoinal douchey stalker to the complex and relatable character he’d become in future episodes. However the good is smothered like bad.. just like smokey the bear had to smother his joint before each PSA. Like “Red Action to the Future: over in my OK KO reviews, it feels like wasted potetial: the idea of both Star and Marco rexamining their future and Star being confronted with having a fixed path and trying to avoid becoming queen are great.. it’s just Star ends up being a supporting player in the episode, and I feel it would’ve been better if moon had been forced to deal with the effect of her words on her daughter, as she’s gone after her scene and what she nearly caused star to do never has any effect. And Mr.Candle is just an.. awful character. Incompitent, even if parts of that are on tom, unfunny, kinda creepy.. ther’es just nothing really enjoyable about him and it makes the first  few minutes a slog as he gaslights two teenagers for money and we never learn just what the hell he is or what his deal is. He just drags the episode down.  Really whiel i’ts not TERRIBLE like some of the series worst episodes (Lint Catcher, Stump Day, Marco Jr, Mama Star), it just feels like it could’ve been better paced or made a half hour so star and moon could have more of a plot.  If you enjoyed this you know the dril; like, reblog etc and if there’s a star or other animated show or movie you want me to review , just shoot me a suggestion or comission it outright for 3 bucks! I’ll get back to tom this weekend hopefully with freindenimeis and hopefully get to my last two reviews before pride lets up. Until we meet again, later days. 

[bookloveravenue]

Twilight Sage (book 5): Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer

When Edward Cullen and Bella Swan met in Twilight, an iconic love story was born. But until now, fans have heard only Bella's side of the story. At last, readers can experience Edward's version in the long-awaited companion novel, Midnight Sun.

This unforgettable tale as told through Edward's eyes takes on a new and decidedly dark twist. Meeting Bella is both the most unnerving and intriguing event he has experienced in all his years as a vampire. As we learn more fascinating details about Edward's past and the complexity of his inner thoughts, we understand why this is the defining struggle of his life. How can he justify following his heart if it means leading Bella into danger?

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/53287484-midnight-sun

********

August 16, 2020

My Review: 3/5 Stars

I have to say it was pretty weird jumping back into the world of Twilight. I haven't read the books in a long time. And I had read them multiple times in the past because I loved them so much. But with time, tastes change. I probably would have been super excited to read this book back when I was into the series. Jumping into it now, it was nice to read but I have to admit there were some things I was surprised about. First off, the book was long. I was shocked to find it was over 600, nearly 700 pages. I had to go back and pick up my Twilight book to check the page count. I guess compared to Breaking Dawn, I thought the rest were smaller. They were big books, but Midnight Sun was a lot longer than the original Twilight. I guess Edward had a lot more to say! And he did.

It was super neat getting in his head. You learned a lot of things. His thoughts on every interaction and of course the thoughts of those around him. Early on, you got a way better sense of the Cullens and even Billy and Jacob and their history. You get to really see how hard it was for Edward to be around Bella. I did appreciate that perspective. We get her point of view in the other books and we see him struggling sometimes around her, but I never really understand what that translated to. I understand now and I gotta give Edward more credit on fighting against his vampire nature. And you can see just how strongly he believes in wanting to keep Bella human and why. This book was really nice to clear up a lot of those things. And of course any moment when you read Twilight and was like oh man, I wonder how this looks from Edward's point of view.

So overall, pretty good. The one thing that probably bothered me the most was the fact that the book was so long. And I love long books, but what I really mean here is the pace. It just felt like it took forever to get to certain places and for the story to speed up. I kept wanting to be like okay, let's keep it moving. And you know, part of that I understood because Edward literally hears everyone and he just had a lot to think about and do (and of course don't forget the boy doesn't sleep). Overall, it was a good addition to the series I once was obsessed with. My inner high school self was ecstatic to revisit this world. It's been a long time!

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Christopher Wiacek

Happy Friday! How are you feeling this week? It doesn’t really feel like a Friday to us, since we’re home everyday and the kiddos are out of school, but we’re doing our best to celebrate it anyway with music and biscuits to start the weekend off right. Hope you’re doing the best you can, friend, and enjoy Christopher’s Feature Friday, where shares his perspective on life, loss, and realizing where he truly belongs. Check out what we mean below…

On his love for the Brits: I think my favorite place that I’ve ever traveled to would have to be London, England. I’ve been there twice, once in 2010 and the other in 2016. I’m a massive Harry Potter fan, so a lot of the second trip was based around seeing Cursed Child on the West End (which my friend and I bought tickets to before even buying flights/a place to stay). I’ve always found British things to be weirdly exotic to me, and the history behind much of the culture is what draws me to it. 

On growing up and a sense of longing: I grew up in the suburbs of Syracuse, NY.  Overall, Syracuse is actually relatively conservative, with the exception of the communities that I grew up with. I was a part of the theater community growing up, so most of the people I interacted with from a young age were pretty liberal overall, which translates to my views today. Most of my family and friends have all been super nurturing and supportive, with the exception of a few here and there. 

I went to a pretty large high school (there were over 3,000 kids overall and 900+ seniors in my graduating class!). It’s true what they say though- in this period of my life, high school seems like a million lifetimes in the past. I was a part of the chorus/theater crowd in high school. I had a few good friends, but ultimately never really felt like I was meant to stay in Syracuse for the rest of my life. I had that feeling from a young age, and I’ve always had my eyes on the big city. I fell in love with acting and the arts, and after graduating high school, I went to SUNY Fredonia, which I currently hold a Bachelor's in Fine Art in Acting. Once I graduated, I worked my way up the corporate latter at Wegmans (an amazing supermarket chain in the Northeast), and eventually got burned out by retail. Throughout all of this, I was auditioning, doing shows and trying to live out my best creative life while also paying those adult bills that seem to build up. 

On the importance of community: I think that growing up in Syracuse was very much a melting pot of many different environments for me. I was always extremely curious about everything during my childhood and had an intense imagination. That still is true today, although my imagination/curious nature has been a bit affected by reality. I also grew up doing competitive gymnastics, so I learned discipline at a young age from that. That was four nights a week during the year and on top of regular school. To round it out, I was raised Catholic, though I don’t really identify as a Catholic anymore. I think the importance of community was imbedded in me while growing up in multiple different ways. I always felt like I needed to be a part of something bigger than I was. Growing up with doing gymnastics, theater,  and other activities that kept me active really shaped me on who I am today. 

On one interesting fact: I am ambidextrous and use both my hands equally for daily tasks. My dad is the same way! Sometimes it can get a little annoying because I oftentimes have to stop and think for a split second which hand to use that will have a better result of what I am doing. It’s fun though because my mind works in weird ways where I’m not necessarily bound by one certain way of doing something. 

On what he loves about himself: My persistence. Over the past eight months, I’ve learned to love this part of myself even more than I ever have before. I think I inherit this from my parents, because of my ability to pick myself up off the ground and keep moving forward no matter what has been a driving force for me. I’ve had this drive for practically my whole life, in college getting papers/projects finished, in life, getting DIY projects completed, etc. Overall, the will to keep moving forward no matter what is one thing I really do love about myself. 

“I’ve learned though, that the people who truly love and care about you will stick by your side no matter who you love or who you’re attracted to. At the end of the day, all they care about is your happiness, and that’s how it should be.”

On what brings him joy: This answer has changed so much over the past few years. At first, it was acting/performing (which still brings me a lot of joy when I get to do it), then it was doing DIY projects (I love redoing furniture, building things and HGTV is my JAM).  But as I get older, the one thing that honestly brings me the most joy is my family. I absolutely love my parents and my siblings. We aren’t together as a whole too often, because we all live in different parts of the country currently, but when we are together, it's amazing. 

On coming out: This answer is a bit scary and muddled because I was out to my friends long before I told anyone else. I came out to my family though when I was 26, so not too long ago. I still lived at home at the time and was trying to save up to eventually get my own place. I told my sister first because from what I can even remember about this night, I was at my exes Formal event for his fraternity. I had messaged her and told her over a text,  and she was immediately non-judgmental. To bring it back, I had started seeing my now ex about 4 months earlier and started to feel the pressure to come out because I was getting tired of lying, sneaking and overall just not being truthful to people. I’m sure we all go through this at some point, but I was reaching a breaking point. My story is a bit of a cop-out, to be honest in my opinion. The story goes that I was driving the 45 min to Cornell’s campus to see the guy I had been dating. It was pretty late at night, probably around 11:30 pm, and I got pulled over for speeding. In short, I got a ticket in a small town that no one apart from the people I was going to see knew where I was. I started to get nervous because I was still on my parents' car insurance at the time. They would know eventually that I got a ticket because the bill would increase and they’d be notified etc etc. I decided to use the ticket as my way to do it, and beat them to the punch. I came home the next day and both my parents were in the kitchen. I basically told them that I had gotten a ticket, and they asked why I was in Dryden (the small town) at 11:30 pm on a weeknight. I told them I was seeing someone who went to Cornell, and when they asked who, I told them his name. The initial response was not what I expected…I think the stereotype is that your mom will take it better than your dad, but this is not the case with me. My mom didn’t take it so well, and my dad told me I could date whoever I wanted.  I was a bit surprised, but overall a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

On feeling more comfortable over time: My friends had all practically known for a while and were all pretty supportive when I told them. I was also in a relationship at the time too, so I at least had my now ex to turn to and didn’t really care what people thought anymore. My older brother and my younger sister were both actually really cool about it. My parents overall were okay with it in time, but at first, they didn’t really understand. It has taken a while for them to be comfortable with the fact, but I think just talking to them is what helped.  I also came out to one of my good friends in a text message, and his reply was one of the nicest and funniest things. I screen-shotted the message and still have it in my favorited photos on my phone. I don’t think I necessarily faced any harsh backlash, other than just feeling a little uncomfortable talking about all of that stuff with my parents.  On a daily basis, we basically have to come out every time we meet someone new. Luckily for me now, I live in the most liberal/accepting city ever (NYC!), so practically everyone is gay haha. I’m a lot more comfortable with everything now, and it honestly just took some time. 

On learning not to care what others think: I think during that whole process (which is still sort of an ongoing process for me), I’ve learned that other people's opinions just don’t matter at the end of the day. I’ve stopped caring so much about my appearance and how I was acting to “appease the people”, or adhere to the “straight norms” of society. I also have never been single and out until the last 8 months, so it’s been a bit lonely, scary and unnerving at times. I’ve learned though, that the people who truly love and care about you will stick by your side no matter who you love or who you’re attracted to. At the end of the day, all they care about is your happiness, and that’s how it should be. 

On his advice to LGBTQ+ youth: I would tell today’s LGBTQ youth that everything you hear about “it gets better” can be true. Understanding your own identity or feelings can be hard enough without all the fear and anxiety that comes with thinking that you won’t be accepted by the people you care most about. I totally get that, because I lived in that world so so long. It’s one of the reasons why I didn’t come out for so long.  It’s also important to realize that you’re not alone. It may feel that way, but there are amazing resources, organizations, and materials that positively represent the LGBTQ community that you can use to educate the people who care the most about you. If someone truly cares about you and your happiness, they shouldn’t care who you love at the end of the day. Love is love. It’s more important now that ever in our society to be really aware of all of the homophobia, transphobia, and prejudices that are out there, and fight for what you believe in. It may be super scary to come out, but once you do, there’s a magical world that will embrace you. You’ll have a glow-up and the weight of everything will finally start to ease.  

On taking it “one day at a time”: I think that this past summer, the trifecta of obstacles hit me at the same time. I lost my boyfriend, my home and my job, all in a matter of five days. Mind you, this was also in the midst of NYC World Pride. To go onto more detail, I had to find a new place to live because my roommate was not re-signing the lease and nor was I on the last apartment that we shared. It wasn’t a great living situation, and it became official at this time when the lease renewal papers arrived. On top of this, I was dumped by my now ex of almost three years, seemingly out of the blue, or at least it seemed that way to me. It was a massive upheaval in my life, seeing as though I was dumped right before World Pride, and all of our plans sort of blew up. The relationship was very codependent on both sides, so figuring out what I was to do next really threw me for a loop. I had to start my life over from rock bottom and navigate the world with practically an emotional hole blown through me. I was much closer to his family than he was to mine, mainly because of the distance. After trying to cope with this breakup that following weekend and taking a trip home to Syracuse to spend time with family/friends, I came back to NYC on Monday only to work a full day and then get laid off at 4:00 pm. I think at this point, I sort of shut down internally and the old Chris was so beaten down by everything that he was “past a point of no return” and sort of died inside. 

I had lost all of the main pillars of my life, and everything completely had fallen apart in such a short time period. To basically lose the group of people that I considered something like a second family was devastating. Once this happened, I decided to go home to my actual family in Syracuse for a few weeks to take a break from the city and recuperate. In this time, I mainly focused on my body and working out/trying to take care of myself and not fall even deeper into the abyss of it all. While away in Syracuse, I was officially broken up with via text message from the relationship. I had found also out my ex was on Grindr basically a day after dumping me (and from what I’ve found out since he had been on it multiple times during the course of our monogamous relationship too…).  

During this period, I basically started to have a mental breakdown, because I had no idea what to do next. On top of dealing with the normal everyday stresses of living in NYC, I was now having to deal with a really painful breakup, needing to find a place to live AND finding a new job. There were a lot of stressors nagging at me, mainly my source of income. To even find a new place, I had to first find a job that would make me financially stable and form some sort of budget. There were so many pieces of the puzzle that needed to be filled in, that it was honestly mind-boggling.  

It’s been about 8 months now since all of this happened, and it’s been a long and hard road. I had my “Britney” moment and shaved my head because I was sick of dealing with my hair (this actually turned out kind of cool and created a whole new look for myself). I went platinum around Thanksgiving and have kept it this way since. I also had applied to over 75 jobs over the course of the summer and went on countless interviews and phone interviews. I was super aggressive in job hunting and had finally procured a great job at a tech firm in the Financial District towards the end of September. As for the apartment woes, I couch crashed on some close college friends' couches for a few weeks. After that, I found a temporary cheap room in a tiny Brooklyn apartment that had no door, no closet (A challenge, I know, but I made it work!), and roommates I did not know. Money was tight, but I had to do what I had to do to survive in order to stay in the city. I now am living with two great friends in upper Manhattan in a really cute apartment that has a door AND a closet). So, life is looking up! 

For the relationship side of things… It’s been a long road of healing. I must have read every single self-help book in Barnes and Noble, in addition to seeking out the advice of friends and family to talk about it. I even wrote a letter to my ex’s mom. Being that I was pretty close with his family throughout the relationship, I thought it was a respectful thing to do to send a “thank you” letter for all of the things that they did for me while I was dating her son. To be completely honest, I thought I would have heard back with some sort of response or well wishes for the future. Instead, it’s been a cold turkey moment, and I never heard back… nor have I heard from anyone in that whole community that I spent the better part of three years with. I guess it goes to show you that the people who really care about you will reach out, and the ones that don’t care…. won't. Ultimately, I’ve never been out and single at the same time, so it’s been quite the turbulent journey that I’ve had to overcome. I’m still healing, but I’ve pretty much adhered to the “one day at a time” method. 

On his biggest inspiration: My biggest inspiration would have to be my parents. Both of them have persevered over the years in multiple different ways, and have always provided for my siblings and I. They have both faced extreme challenges, but have really set a great example for us growing up. I hope I get to be the type of parents they are to me to my future children. 

On looking ahead: I think in five years, I hope to still have a stable job, a beautiful home and a relationship that fosters into a family of my own. I think I mainly hope to just be happy, regardless of the financial situation I am in. 

On what really matters: Life comes at you fast, and you have to be ready to meet it with perseverance and grace. Otherwise, if you don’t, you can get easily eaten up along the way and lose yourself to the madness of it all.  Stay true to who you are, and trust in the universe that everything always happens for a reason. 

[sagemoderocklee]

💘💋for GaaLee!

my hcs for things kind of shift around a lot depending on what i’m writing--like AUs are gonna be different from canon obviously, but also like it depends on the canon im working within. like the way I approach Gaara for Art of Love is different from Alliance, etc. so i may be a lil all over the place with these...

💘: lovestruck headcanons 

so i imagine that Lee is more of the type to get lovestruck than gaara is, and he’s far more obvious about it obviously. i think that lee grows a lot as a person from the time when he was all of 13 years old and asking sakura to go out with him. i think he’s still prone to being the sort to like insta-crush on someone he thinks is cute, but i think that as he gets older it happens less and less until he gets to a point where his approach to and perspective on romance has matured. 

with lee, i think he’s basically the sort to be 10000% smitten, he’s a complete and utter sap, a hopeless romantic. he wears his feelings on his face clear as day and everyone knows he’s got it realllllll bad. like spacing out day dreaming in the middle of training and accidentally breaking something he shouldn’t have, heavy sighing while out to dinner with friends, wistful longing, etc. like def is the sort to be loud and proclaim his undying love and unwavering devotion.... after he and gaara have like actually confessed. when he’s still like mooning over gaara it’s all about that tender ache. the longing of a far away love. lee definitely tries to write poetry and send it to gaara, but he chickens out about sending actual poetry so he just sends like a regular letter. that he has to write like ten times because he can’t decide how to start it--

“is dear Gaara too informal? is Kazekage-sama too formal? I do not want him to think I do not care about him! my dearest Kazekage--no, no dearest friend! but i want him to think of me as more than a friend!” etc

and then of course he has to figure out how to sign off on it and he agonizes over that too.

lee just... agonizes. all the time. 

he agonizes over not getting to see gaara. he agonizes over what to do when he does see him. what to say, am i staring too much? oh no is my face red? oh i should not have said that.... and so on. 

gaara is more.... quietly and intently obsessed. 

he’s gotta first figure out why his feelings for lee are so... different from his feelings for others. why can’t he stop thinking about him. why does he miss lee so much more than say naruto? why does he feel so good when lee comes to suna? 

once he parses through his emotions, he’s still gonna obsess over it all but now he’s not obsessing over the whys and wherefores. he’s obsessing over “could lee actually love me?” and “what is the right thing to do?” and he asks temari for advice because he can’t trust kankurou with this sort of thing--kankurou’s too much of a bachelor for real honest relationship advice but his sister is happily married with a kid so he knows she’ll give him good advice. and then he’s gotta obsess over the political complications. temari and shikamaru were one thing, but he and lee? oh that’s a whole world of political turmoil. 

and then of course there’s just the general obsessing over lee. like he definitely requests lee’s taijutsu expertise more than necessary. he takes any chance to visit konoha. he always manages to make time for lee. he’s normally the sort who likes his personal space but when he’s with lee he tends to lean in to him more. he tends to look for reasons to be close, not necessarily touching. and he definitely definitely stares way. too. much. temari has to remind him on multiple occasions that staring is rude and also unnerving and lee might think he wants to kill him again instead of just go out with him

tenten definitely misreads gaara’s intense staring and worries about foolish lovestruck lee when the object of his affection clearly wants him dead. 

obviously they all laugh about the confusion when it’s all out in the open but like... there’s definitely some confusion for a while.

 👄: kissing headcanons

so generally speaking i find fandom’s approach to gaara kind of annoying and gross. like the whole shy, blushing virgin thing isn’t who he is. and i hate that even sp made him like clueless about romance and marriage and had kankurou give him icha icha as like his sex/romantic education. like that’s so ugly and it’s not cute. he’s a grown ass adult, he’s the leader of his village, he’s got a kill count higher than my credit score. gaara doesn’t need to be a clueless blushing virgin just because he’s got no experience, and it’s kind of gross because of the layers of trauma he has and just the other implications there. 

but anyways gaara knows what dating is he knows what romance is he knows what sex is. god you cannot convince me that episode--for all it’s gaalee content--was actually good because gaara not knowing anything about weddings is impossible. he’s the fucking kazekage. how has he not had to sign off on like a marriage certificate? how has he not been to at least a few weddings???? 

anyways this is getting soap boxy i just... hate this trend so much 

so to the point. 

i know it’s rlly funny imagining gaara and lee being bad kissers but they like just don’t know they are cause they only kiss each other but i imagine that it’s like... 

lee is way way way too enthusiastic and gaara is like “woah what the fuck please stop eating my face. slow down.’ and lee has to like... calm down because kissing is NOT in fact like training and you can’t just like.... go so hard. but gaara is like super awkward and stiff about it, so lee has to be like “not that i do not enjoy being intimate with you, but you really should relax more because it is kind of like kissing sandstone....” 

it helps a bit when gaara like doesn’t wear the sand skin (this is a different hc i have for him fyi) but he’s still like... really stiff and kind of... jerky about kissing. so like where lee has to learn to be slow and sensual, gaara has to learn to be an active participant in the whole thing.

once they get the hang of that though thye kinda figure out how they mesh well with each other with regards to kissing, but they don’t kiss like publicly a whole lot. gaara’s more of the quiet physical affection and lee feels like the majority of kissing is a sacred form of intimacy that should be shared in the privacy of their homes--minus like pecks on the lips, cheeks, forehead kisses, hand kisses.... all of which Lee does do in excess throughout the day.

gaara’s a big fan of the forehead kisses. those are def his favourite thing that lee does for him. gaara’s favourite thing to kiss on lee is the hand he like crushed cause ya know... 

lee is also a big supporter of starting the day with a kiss and ending the day with a kiss. gaara personally likes to wake lee up with kisses since he doesn’t sleep and it’s definitely lee’s favorite thing to wake up to as well.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Yo I’m so glad I moved out of NYC. the energy here is beyond hostile it feels like a vortex or maelstrom of pure rage and malice that is going to implode into something earth shattering, self destructive and chaotic. I had to deep breath to stop an anxiety attack from forming on the subway but even being on the subway triggered old feelings of feeling trapped in this city. I feel like something catestrophic is on its way and I don’t want to be here for the climax.

Also I went to a truly disturbed location it’s so bad I don’t want to talk about it in detail like I don’t want any confrontation but it’s a place people practice magic but a lot of witches in NYC are (no doubt) as hostile as the environment they live in and the energy of that place was SO MALICIOUS just being in it made it feel hard to breathe. Like I’ve been in haunted or spooky places and it feels chilly and unnerving but this felt like I was in direct danger and like my body was getting crushed or my spirit felt trapped in an Iron Maiden just being there. I have a lot of witch friends that used to be there that all left cause they said in their own ways ‘the vibes were bad’ but like maybe since I’ve been away in a nicer environment and I’ve come back it just felt like the negativity was SCREAMING at me like I still feel disturbed and I need some cleansing ASAP lol.

Living here felt like living in a physical hell and in a way I somewhat romanticized it when I was here with my edgy witch friends living in a dark cruel city but like trying to heal this space is beyond me and I’m grateful that I’ve manifested ways to find a home I can heal and grow in cause this place AINT it lol.

I only know 1 witch here that’s super healing like she has so much power and I have so much respect for her in my new perspective. Like she helped me to grow and transform to be able to leave here and she’s really earthy and works with weeds and even has the vibe of weeds that grow out of the pavement that’s resilient and heals the earth but even she gets weighed down.

[emmbr]

Tips for being friendly in Drive throughs!

I work at S*bucks and love working in the drive-through! I wanted to put information out there for people who do not know what it is like on the other end of the drive-through! 

1. While you are at the speaker box we can hear you whether we are talking with you or not. Please do not make us listen to your music, phone conversation, or anything like that while you wait before or after your order! Sometimes people sit there and blast music and we can’t hear each other or it is just really annoying. Turn off or turn down whatever you may be listening to in the car while you order. 

2. I say “We” because almost all of the employees inside can hear you when you are at the window! I know it is a little unnerving to know that several people can hear you stumble over your order, but it is what makes everything go a little smoother. If you are rude to the person taking your order, know that several other people are mocking you over the headset before you come to the window. Obvious unspoken rule: don’t be rude y’all.  

3. Be patient when you have to repeat your order! The drive-through position requires a TON of multitasking and sometimes your order will not be heard the first time you say it. We are doing our best and we want to get your order correct! Please don’t get frustrated with us, we want to do well and we don’t want to have to remake your drink! 

4. While drive is one of my favorite positions because I love interacting with strangers, this is not always true of my coworkers! It is a lot of multitasking and people skills in a timed and fast-paced environment so just be kind even if it takes a little while. Trust me, we can see the amount of time that you have been waiting. 

5. Please do not get a ton of gift cards at the window. The gift cards are not kept over there and it is hard to show you the whole selection. Of course, getting one through the drive-through is doable, but if you are putting a ton of work on the register at the window you are going to ruin our times. Just come inside. Of course, this does not apply if you use the drive-through for disability access reasons. 

6. There are sensors at the microphone, and while you cannot hear it they repeatedly beep at us if we have not helped someone there yet. Plus, the microphone is automatically on when a car is tripping the sensor so we hear the drone of outside sound. Do not greet us before we greet you unless you have been waiting there for over a minute. Especially when the store is not busy, the person working drive-through is probably talking to a customer at the window. 

7. Yes, there is a camera so that we can see you while you order! It breaks with bad weather so it doesn’t always work, but I know some people lately have been surprised and unnerved by learning about the camera. What do you expect; you are always on camera nowadays. Fun fact: if we wanted to we could show you our face while we take your order from a camera on the monitor, but I have never met someone who actually wants to do that. 

8. Time intensive tasks include: pour-overs, >3 hot food items (depending on which ones and if you get duplicates), >1 frappuccino. Of course, a significant delay when you get these items will depend on how well staffed and how busy we are. I honestly think that S*bucks should ban pour-overs from being ordered through the drive-through. Just come inside (except for access reasons). 

9. Get a Starbucks membership on the app! When you run out we can always reload at the register for >$5, so you don’t have to keep a bunch of money on your card. You get rewards if you pay through the app, and a free drink on your birthday! It allows you to tip (unlike using your card). AND surveys about our performance are only sent out to members, so please influence those! 

10. If you want to be nice, tip well instead of “paying it forward!” I feel a little weird saying “give us money instead of other customers,” but I know for a fact that my coworkers need money more than our average customer coming to Starbucks. Pay it forward is a little annoying to ring up (but totally doable), but so many people do that instead of tipping- which reminds me that our customers are empathizing more with other customers they haven’t met than the worker that they are looking in the face who is more likely to be struggling financially. I know it ruins the “random” and “stranger” charm of pay it forward, but, honestly, if I were ever at the end of one of those pay it forward lines I would just end it and put what I would have paid in the tip jar. 

11. Standard in interacting with customer service: don’t order/ pick up your order while on the phone. I don’t care if you have one earbud in as long as you can hear me. I do care if I have to decipher whether you are talking to me or not. I do care that I am doing a service for you and trying to make a welcoming environment and you won’t treat me like someone you are interacting with. If you don’t want to talk with someone, just mobile order and come inside. 

12. We love to make sure that your drink is made correctly! It is usually no big deal to remake drinks, especially if we are not busy. Make sure you are paying attention to the screen where your order is when you are at the mic, and pay attention to what the barista reads back to you about your order (so the order is correct in the first place and you don’t have to wait!). Check your order before you drive away- it is super easy to give someone the wrong drink. If you are really picky go ahead and taste your drink before you drive away! However, don’t take advantage of us. No matter if it is our money or Sbucks’, no one enjoys being scammed. 

13. Maybe I just don’t understand this because I am not very picky, but I will never understand how much some people care about their lattes not having foam on them. It does not give you much more milk? And just makes the latte-making process longer (and harder for beginners)? You do you and ask for “no foam”, but don’t complain if it is made with a little bit of foam. Some foam even forms after scooping foam off after pouring. It really isn’t that much less milk.  

14. I should have put this at the top of the list: do not make a big stink about us running out of something. Sometimes our nitro tap breaks. We only have a certain number of sandwiches thawed each day. Sometimes someone makes a mistake with an order or sometimes there are district-wide shortages. I don’t want to listen to you be loudly disappointed at me when we don’t have the exact thing that you want. This is beyond our control, and you are probably an adult so be an adult about it. We will try to get you a comparable product and there is not much more we can do about that. 

15. This is just a personal small peeve: don’t start an order with “I need...” There is nothing in our store that you need. This is about having perspective and recognizing our role in your lives. 

Even though this post was pretty much complaining about customers, I do want to make sure that the reader knows that I genuinely do enjoy connecting with customers. I do assume the best, and unless you are actively rude it is not a big deal if you have done these things before! I get energy from every single positive interaction I have in the store. I love getting to know customers so well that I know their face, name, and order (which takes a decent amount of time and care for me to remember!). I genuinely am interested when I ask where you work if I have a moment with you, or when I ask how your day is, or when we talk about the sunrise or the weather. These interactions keep me satisfied with my job! I am moving soon and I am genuinely sad to not see many of my regulars again and genuinely excited to meet many more customers.