#it's possible! we have the science! and the ptsd! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

scudslut · 9 months ago

Note

Ok hear me out. Reader and Daryl go on a run for supplies with a few other people. Reader makes a mistakes and almost gets seriously hurt/ near death experience. Daryl gets pissed at reader, maybe yells at her. Reader laughs it off and acts like she doesn’t gaf. Daryl later finds reader all shaken up and crying by herself. Love if you don’t, love if you do!

stay with me

daryl x fem!reader

wc: 2k

warnings: typical twd gore/violence, mentions of death, mentions of trauma/ptsd

a/n: absolutely love me some good fluffy angst, thank u nony❤️ i hope you like it:))

As much as you tried to prepare yourself for the inevitable situations runs would put you in, the blood-chilling reality of it never got any easier. No amount of mental prep could stove off the sounds and smell of the dead, nipping ravenously for a taste of your sweet living flesh.

Of course, over time you’d learned just to shut your brain off and fight. Fight as hard and tirelessly as you possibly could, but mistakes could still be made. Shit happened, whether it was your fault or not.

Hours earlier, a group of you went a few miles east of the prison; Daryl having spotted a little strip a few days prior, not too overrun that he thought might be loot-worthy.

It was a simple run really. Keep close, hit a few shops in and out, then head back home. That’s it. Follow the plan, get as much useful shit as possible, and get the fuck out of there. You guys had it down to a science at this point, runs becoming so second nature it was almost too easy to let your guard down nowadays.

“Hey D, I’m gonna go check the storage room back here. Might have something we could use,�� you voiced to your partner a few isles down, still keeping your tone as low as you could.

“Gimme a sec, I'll come help ya,” you heard him say but you kept moving. You two had already cleared the main area, you could handle a walker or two if there actually was any behind the small door. You figured you would’ve heard something by now, some sort of banging or grumbling to announce their presence, but there was nothing, the coast presumably clear.

You should have waited.

Crossing the few miscellaneous isles you reached the back door, giving it a small rattle. Still complete silence, not even the faintest groan or shuffle. Knife at the ready, hand clamped over the cool metal handle, your heart rate picked up a notch as it always did before opening into the unknown.

“You got this, come on,” you muttered to yourself, before throwing the door open, bracing for attack. The door flew wide, only to reveal a dark, empty room. Squinting through the dimness, a few high, dusty shelves were visible, stocked with all sorts of canned goods. Fuck yea, that was certainly useful.

“D! Come look what I found!” you rasped, dropping your knife into its holster and shuffling in. You unslung your backpack from your shoulders, digging through it for a flashlight excitedly. It’s been so long since you’ve found this much canned food, surely enough to keep the group well stocked through most of the winter that was approaching. A loud creak from the left caught your attention as you sped forward. Hands finally finding purchase on the flashlight, you flicked it on, scanning across the room to the sound.

Dust caked the air, making the already dark room fuzzier and your eyes took a minute to adjust. You took a few smaller steps closer, peering wearily ahead and then you saw them.

Beady, soulless eyes staring back. A whole rickety staircase of them, heads turning one by one to the light source in your hand.

“Oh fuck.”

There had to be at least 10 of them that you could see, the top of the stairs pitch black and unrevealing.

Your feet stumbled backward, hands desperately reaching for the knife at your hip, dropping the flashlight in the process. It rolled and caught under your heels, knocking you on your ass as the corpses advanced, jaws snapping.

These were those moments. When you felt your heart in your throat, brain stuttering on action. Time moved so slowly that the fragments were almost visible and every thought screaming in your mind sounded like gibberish. You know you should move, is that what it was screaming?

The first one got to you, grabbing your leg trying to crawl up and finally, you were kicking, scrambling, grabbing onto the knife and slamming it into its skull with a loud squelch.

“Daryl!” you yelled. You needed him. Now.

3 more dropped before you, slinking towards you and you were trapped — the first corpse lying heavily over your midsection.

“Yea, yea girl. I heard ya,” you heard him respond, still sounding a few isles away.

No no no, this was not how you were gonna die. Not today. Please.

You kept stabbing, each kill taking everything out of you as you struggled against the body weight atop you. They just kept piling, you could hardly feel your legs anymore, the circulation surely cut off below your knees. And more were coming, a never-ending stream of hunger.

Another one landed before you and you had just enough time to catch its shoulders before it was inches away, snapping at your neck. Your arms burned, tears welling in your eyes as you realized this could be it. You didn’t know how much longer you had before they gave out and rotting teeth would be sinking into you, tearing you apart.

The walker kept snapping, so close you could see the layers of rotting flesh peeling from its face. You had been close to walkers before, had stared into the lifeless eyes too many times to count, but this was different. More were coming and the face in the reflection of its eyes was barely recognizable — terror painting every feature you’d known on you distorted.

The bones cracked in its left shoulder and it dislocated, dropping down to centimeters from your skin.

“No,” you sobbed quietly. Daryl wasn’t going to make it, you knew that. He was going to walk in and find his girl as dinner. You hoped he just booked it, and didn’t waste his time trying to save what would long be gone.

The walker fell limp in your arms and you flinched harshly, expecting excruciating pain to follow as it bit. But there was nothing.

“The fuck are ya doing! Get up!”

Daryl was suddenly right before you, ripping each body off your aching limbs and you were now acutely aware of the larger pile by the stairs, all with arrows and stab wounds littering their heads. When had he gotten in here?

You didn’t hear his words, adrenaline coursing so loudly through your system that all that could be heard was a loud, shrill ringing.

“Goddammit girl, wake the fuck up!” he shouted, grabbing you by the shoulders in an attempt to lift you. Your brain caught up then, as he harshly placed you on your feet. Walkers scattered the floor around you, and a grumble at the stairs announced it wasn’t the last of them.

Daryl reached down, grabbed your dropped items, and shoved them in your dumbstruck hands. “We’re gettin’ outta here, now,” he seethed, dragging you along and slamming the door behind you both, crossing the lines of isles quickly to the front entrance.

The fresh, afternoon air hit your nose in a gust and the last of the fuzz chipped itself from your senses slowly.

“Hope yer fuckin happy with yerself. Can’t ever listen to a goddamn word’a mine, can ya?” Daryl quipped beside you. His eyes were slits as they dug into you, so fuming you could see the heat radiating off his skin in the early autumn brisk.

He was angry at you, you knew that. But you also knew it was because he was scared. Hell, you were fucking terrified to stone back there, but if you wanted to calm him down at all, you knew you had to act unfazed.

Gathering any remaining wits about you, you took a deep inhale, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting them.”

He didn’t respond, wouldn’t even look at you anymore as he began to pace the graveled parking lot.

“Hey don’t stress Dar. I’m alive, we’re good,” you attempted to soothe further.

“Don’t stress? Yer a real piece a work, y’know that! Always fucking up everyone’s shit cause ya don’t wanna use yer brain, huh?”

Well, that did not go as you expected.

The rest of the group had started shuffling out of the other shops around you, making their way to the vehicles.

“Jeez, you need to lighten up,” you brushed past him, head high. You couldn’t let his words affect you, not with all the other emotions coursing as well. You didn’t understand what he meant. You had never put anyone other than yourself in danger, how could you possibly be fucking over everyone else?

You decided to wait in the car as the rest of the group went back for the cans, tag-teaming whatever walkers remained. The loot had decently filled both trunks and everyone was happy to call it a day and head back.

Your eyes followed Daryl as he jumped into your car, eyes trained on the windshield, “Ya alright at least?” he muttered glancing at you briefly while shifting the car into drive.

“I’m good, you big grump,” you huffed with a tight-lipped smile. “That much food will last us a long time. I believe a thank you is in order, don’t you think?”

You were not good. Not at all, but there was no reason to worry him anymore, putting him through enough today as it was. Your hands were shoved tightly under your thighs, so he couldn’t see the tremors racking through you.

You had smelt death so many times it didn’t bother you much anymore. Today you had smelt your own. Saw your life in that walker's eyes, mere seconds away from demolition. It was safe to say you were shaken to your core.

The journey back was silent, both not in the mood to chat for very different reasons, and the whole time you were trying to keep each breath of yours steady.

You helped unload as much as you could, before slipping away discreetly to your cell. You didn’t want anyone to see you like this, you felt kind of pathetic honestly. This was life now, it had been this way for a long time now, you shouldn’t be so shaken up as you were but the terror just wouldn’t leave your body.

Panic washed over you once again as your eyes hit your dim cell. Your mind was quickly slipping back into those last moments, the darkness and dust all too similar. The fear you had felt coating your veins icily and your breaths started to become agitated. There was nowhere else to go though. If you left the cell someone would see you.

Subconsciously, you backed yourself into the corner of the room, crumbling down to the floor with your head in your hands. Deep down you hoped your hyperventilating would knock you out. You didn’t want to think anymore — see it anymore. Tears were burning the back of your throat as you held down sobs, feeling the walker's hands and weight atop of you all again.

A small yelp escaped you when the hands became real. Pressure on your shoulders and waist and your head snapped up from its hiding spot, reflexes already prepared to fight whatever presence was with you.

“It’s jus’ me, hey, hey,” you heard through your panic, his blue eyes just recognizable through blurry tears. “S’okay, relax.”

You couldn’t calm down this time, vicious sobs finally breaking their way out of your frame. Running was your first thought; you didn’t want anyone to see you like this, Daryl or not. Emotions were never a strong suit of yours and would always find yourself dealing with them in private, away from sympathetic words and pitying eyes. But Daryl was never like that, he drew you in and held you tight, uttering no more words other than the ones to confirm it was him. If you asked him to say more, he would, but he knew this was what you needed. Someone to ground you back onto Earth and out of whatever images tormented your head.

So that’s what he did. Held you for hours as your body expelled all its terror and lingering adrenaline. He’d give quiet coos through each wave of shakes, grabbing a blanket to warm you through the cold sweats. And finally, once the fear faded to exhaustion, he scooped you up off the stiff concrete and into your soft cot.

“Stay with me?” you rasped, throat parched and raw from crying.

It wasn’t a second thought for him. He was never truly angry with you, and he knew you knew that. He needed you safe with him.

“Always.”

469 notes · View notes

theetherealbloom · 2 years ago

Text

UNEVEN ODDS — CH. 1

Chapter One: These Questions Take Shape

Summary: The Reader is dragged into the Last of Us universe and has no choice but to watch the events unfold live in front of her or will she be able to change what was already written?

Paring: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: Age-gap Romance, Violence, PTSD, Depression, Zombies, character death, swearing, angst, fluff, eventual SMUT, MY SCIENCE MIGHT BE WRONG, plot holes, rusty writing, alternate universe

A/N: I write?? Kind of?? Tbh, this self-indulgent for sure! We love maladaptive daydreaming :) Anyways, English isn’t my first language so please forgive me for any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes! Tbh I was just gonna write one chapter per episode but I got too excited :p

Song: doomsday by Lizzy McAlpine

-> Next Chapter | Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

YOUR OBSERVABLE UNIVERSE – 2023

It’s been three years since the pandemic, COVID-19 has taken a toll on many people. Millions have died over the past few years and you were one of the lucky ones who got by, survived, and received the vaccine as soon it was available. The world slowly begins to open up and awake from its slumber during those years of uncertainty.

So what do you do now?

You work, continue with your quantum physics research and try and make sense of your life. Someday you’ll be able to be under the mercy of light to choose your fate and your need to find certainties and concrete science. For now, you enjoy the comforting sounds of characters conversing with each other.

Immediately as the show credits show, you fold your laptop close and prepare for bed. Episode 3 of the Last of Us was the most emotional so far, Bill and Frank’s story reminds you that love will transverse in every universe. With these tired eyes, you’ve seen enough for tonight. Your eyes slowly droop down and close, luring you into a deep sleep in a state of wishful thinking, hoping that you would have that kind of love in your life. But for now, the watercolor vivid dreams will suffice.

TLOU WORLD – 2023

You groggily wake up and find yourself on the floor. Slowly as you sit up, you use one of your hands to rub away the sleep, “What the hell,” you mumble. The anxiety begins to creep in, you recognize the coloring of the walls and the type of flooring used.

You look down at yourself to check what you’re wearing, no longer in your sleep clothes but traded away for cargo pants, a shirt, socks, and black boots. What’s more concerning was the familiar voices just outside the tattered room you were in.

“There’s not gonna be anything bad in here?”

A gruff response comes, “Just you.”

“Oh, funny.”

No. God, no way. This is not happening. This isn’t possible. You must be dreaming, right? You quickly stand up, and as soft footsteps come closer, you see Ellie staring at you with complete shock, “Holy shit!” she screams.

The thundering thumps of footsteps quickly make their way into the room as you stand there in complete shock. Your eyes widen in shock as you are now face to face with the characters you’ve grown to love from last night through your laptop screen right in front of you. This feels like a very cruel joke.

Dark brown eyes, salt and pepper hair, tan skin, and lines that appear as Joel frowns at you, unimpressed and suspicious. While Tess is completely covering Ellie, she narrows her eyes at you and says, “Raise your hands.”

Slowly you follow her command and raise both your hands, not wanting to increase the tension between you and them. Then you try your best to steady the trembling voice that wants to escape from you and directly look at Joel to say, “I’m not infected.”

“Show us your arm and neck.” He replies with his thick southern accent, and you bring your hand to the collar of your shirt to show them your neck and then lift the sleeves of your jacket to prove that you are being truthful.

The tension between the four of you still hadn’t dissipated despite proving that you didn’t have Cordyceps. “You got any weapons?” Tess asks and you shake your head, “No.”

Ellie groans in frustration, “Guys, I need to pee.” And you bite back a smile, her attitude, and unintentional humor. You clear your throat and say, “Um, you two could interrogate me in the other room so she can, uh, relieve herself.”

Ellie’s two protectors give each other a knowing side glance and proceed to lower their weapons that were aimed at you. You take a deep breath and then follow Joel as he first leaves the room while Tess watches and follows you from behind, making sure you don’t try anything funny.

You stand in the center of the room, with lush green grass, and flowers, you tilt your head up to look at the stream of daylight hitting your face. You take note of the overgrown plants and trees, mother nature taking back what’s hers. Eco-brutalists would be ecstatic about all of this, minus the fungi zombies.

Tess breaks the silence and asks, “What’s your name?” You give them your name and ask for theirs, even though you didn’t need to however, it is the polite and fair thing to do. You turn your head to look at both of them. They reluctantly tell you to give them their names as you try and manage to swallow away the fear and secretly hope this was all a dream or maybe a fucked up prank. Tess raises one eyebrow at you, “Where are you from?”

You purse your lips to a thin line and wonder how the hell you were gonna answer that question, you then settle for a, “It’s complicated.”

“Complicated how?” Joel gruffly asks you and you give him a light shrug in response and he scoffs.

Your shoulders sag at his reaction to your words, “I’m not trying to be difficult, I swear. It is complicated and hard to explain, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. And to be honest, I’m trying my best to wrap my head around this and find a way to explain it without sounding completely insane.”

Joel all but frowns at you but continues to ask, “You tryin’ to get to the QZ?” And without even thinking about it you shook your head in disagreement, and immediately followed your response with suspicion growing on their faces and a frown.

Tess looks at you in disbelief and says, “So, what the hell are you doing out in the city with all the infected running around? Going for a stroll?”

Not wanting to answer the question, you pivot to looking at his fractured hand and give him a light nod, gesturing to it, “Does it hurt?”

Tess glances at his hand and pushes Joel to sit on his chair, his hands shaking as he looks at his bloody knuckles. You also choose to sit on the plush cool green grass, the smell of earth fills your nostrils, and then watch the scene play out in front of you.

“Broken.” Tess states that Joel avoids eye contact with his partner in crime, “Maybe a hairline. It’ll heal fast.”

Tess looks down at the grimy floor and folded her hands in an attempt to calm herself, then raises her head as she whispers, “She made it through the fucking night, Joel.” He shakes his head at her, “It doesn’t matter. It’s gonna happen sooner or later. All right? We’re still close to the wall. We sneak both of them back into the QZ. We find a different way to get the battery.”

“This is our best shot,” Tess says unwaveringly with her decision while Joel scoffs, you watch them both like a tennis match and are surprised by the fact they didn’t even acknowledge your presence.

“We take her back into the QZ, someone’s gonna notice her arm. They’re gonna scan her then they’ll kill her.”

He harshly whispers back at Tess, “Well, better them than us. You need to stop talking about this kid like she’s got some kind of life in front of her.”

It felt like extreme deja vu watching Joel and Tess argue, and on queue, Ellie walks back in and throws the magazine on the floor, and slides towards Tess. The kid plops down to sit next to you on the lush grass and you look at her with a small smile.

“You hungry?” Tess asks the both of you as she rummages through her backpack to find the energy bars, “You can share some of ours.”

“Thanks. Marlene sent me with my own.” Ellie says and takes out a chicken sandwich from her bag pocket. Tess looks at you, offering some and you politely decline, the older woman tilts her head and says, “When was the last time you ate?”

“Yesterday.” You say without a thought.

“You wanna try to explain’ how you got here? Cause when we checked, you sure as hell weren’t here. Or how the fuck did you manage to survive this long with nothing?” Tess says as she chews on the bark this world now calls food. You feel your palms sweat and pulse slightly increase, you take a deep breath and say, “This is gonna sound extremely bazaar and completely impossible but try to keep an open mind because literal infected are roaming around the streets so believe anything is now within the realm of possibility. Okay?”

You got a couple of hums with curious gazes and listened as you began to speak, “I’m possibly from a different universe or world where this is all just fiction and you’re characters based on a video game-made television series. No, I have zero ideas how I got here. I went to bed and fell asleep, and next thing I know, I woke up with this painful migraine and fatigue, different clothes and you three suddenly existing.”

You paused as you took in the group gaping at you and you sigh, “From where I came from, we had a similar thing happen, a pandemic. However, it was a virus, not Cordyceps. We called it COVID-19, it could be transmitted through an infected person's mouth or nose in small liquid particles when they cough, sneeze, speak or breathe. The outbreak started in December 2019 and 6.84 million people died in the last three years during that time. We were able to make a vaccine at a rapid rate since our technology had advanced, and we were able to distribute it globally, so in the current year which we both share, which is 2023, we’re slowly trying to find our footing again as the world opens up.”

You feel your eyes glaze over, and you then shut them as you continued, “I know it sounds fucking impossible, trust me, a lot thought so too. My scientific hypothesis is that the multiverse does exist and somehow sleep or dreaming is connected to it. I really don’t know, it was all just theoretical.”

“Prove it.”

You open your eyes and look at Joel, completely surprised he spoke, “What?”

Joel’s baritone voice and defensive stare felt like electricity through your bones, “I said, prove it.”

If there’s anything you were good at, it was reading a ton of books in a short period and memorizing the important details and plot points. Visual memory paired with the love you had for these characters had you rewatching the three episodes over and over again. Quietly, you thank the younger you for being so nerdy.

You look Joel dead in the eye and turn to the kid beside you quietly looking at you while eating her sandwich, “Your name is Ellie, you got bitten by an infected while you snuck into the mall and then Marlene found you soon afterward. Those two,” you point your thumb in their direction, “need to get you to the state house in exchange for a battery so they can go find Tommy who has been missing for almost a month.”

“Holy shit. She knows my name.” Ellie said with her mouth full of her food.

You turn back to look at Joel and Tess, and then glance at his broken wristwatch, “And, um, Joel, I know how your watch broke, I’m so– .”

“Stop.” Joel lowly says, his stare as cold as ice and distrusting of you. You avert your gaze, and a blanket of silence covers the room. Shakily Joel eats his bark of food and Tess stares at you and Ellie as she chews and swallows, “Is that chicken?”

“Yup. Marlene said they get it from smugglers.” Ellie then thoughtfully tilts her head, “Guess not you guys.”

That does it for Tess and stands up to walk towards you and the kid, “Hey, hey!” Joel says as he stands up after her but Tess holds her hand out to stop him and to signal it’s fine, “Why are you so important to Marlene? And don’t lie to me, or we’ll take you back.”

“Like she said,” the kid gestures to you, “If you take me back, you don’t get your battery.” Tess scoffs, “You heard that?” and Ellie shrugs at her, the older woman mock laughs, “Then you must’ve heard he wants to shoot you.”

Ellie looks toward Joel and he doesn’t deny it, he simply stares back at her.

“If you do that, it would be the dumbest shit you’ll ever do.” You mumble while frowning, Tess turns to you and harshly says, “Zip it, this doesn’t concern you.” And you take what she said in stride and don’t push it any further.

She then crouches down to talk to Ellie, “I’m gonna talk to you like you’re an adult. Okay?” She then takes Ellie’s silence as consent to continue, “Joel and I aren’t good people. We’re doing this for us because apparently, you’re worth something. But we don’t know what you’re worth if we don’t know what we have. So answer my question.”

Ellie rolls her eyes, rubs her face, and mumbles to herself, “She told me not to tell anybody and now I’m telling the first people that I…” She lets out a sigh and reluctantly speaks, “There’s a Firefly base camp somewhere out west with doctors. They’re working on a cure.”

Joel immediately groans in frustration, “I’ve heard this before.” Ellie continues, “And whatever happened to me,” and at the same time she and Joel say, “is the key to finding the vaccine.”

He sighs in exasperation, “That’s what this is? We’ve heard this a million times. Vaccines, miracle cures. None of it works. Ever.”

Ellie stands up, “Fuck you, man. I didn’t ask for this.”

“You and me both.” The grouch turns to his partner and says, “This isn’t gonna end well, Tess. We need to go back.”

You then remember after all those essays and news articles about your pandemic, the time when everything felt so hopeless and scary. You look at Joel and you see a reflection of your own, his fear and panic, “It’s possible.”

They both turn to you and you continue, “Theoretically, it’s possible to create a fungi vaccine, however, I’m not even sure you have the technology to produce it. And it would take finding out what Ellie truly is. Either Ellie’s immune system mutated and created antibodies to fight against the Cordyceps or something else… But either way, a vaccine or maybe a cure could be possible now because of her.”

Tess stands up, as do you, and looks at Ellie for a moment, then to Joel to say, “Let’s just finish it. It doesn’t matter if she is what the Fireflies or what an alien says.”

“I’m human.” You grumble and Tess ignores you, “If they believe that she is then we get what we want.”

Joel gives a glare at Ellie and then shifts his gaze to you, he sighs and shakes his head, “If she so much as twitches.”

Ellie proceeds to make gurgling noises and movements to pretend as if she’s turning into an infected. Tess turns to look at her and scolds in a motherly fashion, “Don’t.” You try and hold in your laugh and the young girl clears her throat, scratches the back of her neck, and mumbles, “Yeah… okay.”

Tess then turns to Joel, “Okay?”

Defeated, Joel swings his arms open and whispers, “Okay.”

The foreshadowing of the fact it will not be okay in the next few moments had you feeling nauseous. The churning fear begins to bubble inside of you, Tess is going to die, albeit a noble and honorable death, but it still would hurt Joel, and Ellie as she slowly grows more fond of the older woman. Then, it hit you, is it possible to change what already was written? Could you save them all? Well, you’re already here, might as well try.

The three of them begin to pack their belongings as you awkwardly stand there with your hands in your pockets and watch as they prepare for the journey to the State House. The sound of Joel picking up his gun catches Ellie’s interest, “Can I have a gun?”

“Absolutely not.”

“No.”

“Okay. Fine. Jesus. I’ll have to throw a fucking sandwich at them.” Ellie then shoves the leftover sandwich into her bag and Joel goes to the giant bookshelf, which is blocking the door, to the side, then peaks out of the door to check if it’s safe. You hear the sound of birds chirping and feel the warmth of the light flood in the abandoned building.

“It’s clear.”

Following Ellie from behind, you begin walking slowly toward the light and into the apocalyptic city. Your eyes take in the sight of tilted, destroyed, buildings, overgrown plants, trees, abandoned cars, and trucks. A hauntingly beautiful sight if you were being honest.

Ellie gasps in wonder as she takes it all in, “Woah.” Tess looks over at her and says, “Yeah, looks different in the daylight, huh?” Joel quickly scans the area, “We should get moving.” Tess begins to take the lead, followed by Ellie then you, while Joel trails from behind.

“It’s like a fucked up moon.” Ellie moves towards a crater and peers over it, “Is this where they bombed?”

“Yeah, they hit most of the big cities like this. They had to slow the spread somehow.” Tess says and Joel continues to walk past it, ignoring the crater and any kind of conversation. “Worked here, but it didn’t in most places.”

Unconsciously, you begin humming to the tune of a Linda Ronstadt song. The last song you ever heard before sleeping. Continuing up to a ruined building, with debris blocking your path, “So the State House is across there. It’s about a ten-minute walk if you could go straight.”

Ellie looks at both of them and you wonder how the fuck you were gonna defeat the clickers later on with no weapon, “So…”

“Long way or short way?” Joel asks Tess, she holds the straps of her backpack and the wind blows through her hair, “I mean, it’s a long way or the we’re-fucking-dead way.”

“Well, I vote a long way just based on that limited information,” Ellie says dryly, and Joel stares at her, a puzzled expression on his face, then his eyes lands on you, waiting for your input.

You frown at him, “No, don’t look at me like that. I’m not giving you any spoilers.” Joel clenches his jaw and turns to Tess, “We have to check it from the hotel first.” She begins to walk away, “Okay.”

You walk along the highway in somewhat comfortable silence, you carefully look to the ground and see a giraffe plushie, the symbolism doesn’t escape you, knowing all too well what it meant. Moss and different kinds of plants grow over the cracks of the road, you spot branches atop abandoned cars and dust covers the windows of each door.

Tess and Ellie begin conversing in front of the group, while you and Joel follow from a distance. You look at Joel and say, “I’m sorry if I overstepped a while ago. I couldn’t prove it unless I told you something only you knew.”

He looks at you in an emotion you can’t quite understand, but still responds in his grumpy demeanor, “Just don’t bring it up again.” You quickly nod, “Mhm, noted.”

It was quiet for a bit until, to your surprise, he asks you, “What did you do for work?” The smile was so difficult to hold back, you chuckle and raise your eyebrows, “I’m… well, was a Quantum physicist. You were a carpenter right?”

“It kinda’ freaks me out how you know that off the top of your head.” His Texan accent heavy as he spoke, you knew that it would take time to build his trust. His reserved and security-oriented nature would prove to be a challenge, but something you wholeheartedly would take on, “I’ll try not to do it as much, I’m sorry.”

“You apologize too much.”

“It’s a habit I’m trying to break, to be honest.” You chuckle nervously, putting your hands in the pockets of your cargo pants, and continue to walk, watching and hearing bits of conversation from Tess and Ellie.

“I thought you were some sort of’ performer, a singer maybe, with all that hummin’ you were doin’ awhile ago.”

That catches you off guard and you feel the confusion form on your face and you begin to feel your face feel warm, “What?” Joel continues, “You were hummin’ to Linda Ronstadt, right? Haven’t heard that song in a while.” You stared at him in complete disbelief, “You heard me humming?”

As he was about to reply, you and him managed to catch up to Ellie and Tess to overhear their conversation, “How old are you?” Ellie replies, “Fourteen.” Tess hums and smirks at the kid, “Wow. Well, I mean you got some balls on you, sister.”

“Thanks,” Ellies says and follows after Tess, climbing over the flipped rusted car. You follow their movements and Joel does too.

Tess curiously looks over her shoulder at Ellie and continues her walk forward, “Nobody is gonna come after you, right? Like Mom, Dad, boyfriend?”

“I’m an orphan, and, uh, no.” Ellie takes a look around her surroundings and lets her hand brush on the tall grass growing from the cracks of the pavement, “Everyone said the open city was crazy. Like, swarms of infected running around everywhere.”

Joel humors her, “Not exactly like that.” Tess smiles, “You know people like to tell stories.”

“So there aren’t super-infected that explode fungus spores on you?” Ellie curiously asks with a somewhat happy tone, as if all of this doesn’t scare her. Fearless is what you conclude, a trait that could be good when at its best but dangerous and reckless at its worse. “Shit, I hope not,” Tess says.

“Or ones with split-open heads that see in the dark like bats?” Ellie asks and that causes a shift in Tess, Joel, and your demeanor. Fucking clickers. And on queue, you hear the screeching of the devil’s spawn in the distance. The whole group stills and Ellie shakily asks, “What was that?”

Joel doesn’t reply, instead, he just says, “Let’s keep movin’.”

Joel pushes the doors of the hotel open, loudly shrieking as he does, and all three of you are greeted with the sight of the flooded hotel. It was almost swamp-like due to the green water, lily pads floating, and the ducks and frogs swimming.

Ellie takes a spin and looks at the view with a childlike wonder you wish you still had, “You’ve got to be kidding me! You ever stay in a place like this?” “Uh, no, a little out of our league.” Tess says and Joel looks at Ellie and asks, “How do you even know what this is?” Being the smartass that she throws him a look and says, “Have you heard of books?”

You chuckle as Joel shakes his head and walks down into the murky water, “Wait we’re going in there?” Ellie asks, and Tess nods, “Yeah, we gotta get to the stairwell on the other side.” The kid takes a step back, “Well, I don’t… I don’t know how to swim.” Joel lifts an eyebrow, “Seriously?”

“Do you think we have pools in the QZ?” Ellie says with narrowed eyes. “No, smart-ass. I mean…”, Joel does a little jump into the water, it does a small splash when he does. “I don’t know how I was supposed to know that,” Ellie says as she walks down the steps and into the water, you follow behind her and Tess.

You four wade through the green murky water, “This is so gross.” Ellie says with a huge smile on her face and you can’t help but laugh, “This is disgusting.” The fourteen-year-old spots the concierge desk and makes her way over, “Oh, check it out!”

You place both of your hands on your hips and watch her mess with the call bell, “Ding, ding.” She begins to do her form of roleplay for her entertainment and to cure her boredom, “Yes sir. I would like your finest suite, please.”

“Yes, ma’am. Would you like me to take your luggage?”, she proceeds to answer her own question and pushes the hotel bell cart through the water, “Yes, ma’am. Right away ma’am…”

“You’re a weird kid.” Joel states, Ellie turns her head to look at him, “You’re a weird kid.” Something falls over, a sloshing sound indicating that it had fallen in front of Ellie causing her to jump back and bang the piano behind her and yelp, “Oh, fuck!”

You and Joel are quick to come to her side to see what it was. A skeleton lay there unmoving and rotten, your eyes raise to look at Ellie panting and clutching onto the hotel bell cart, “Oh, my god.” Joel kicks the skull and the kid mumbles, “Uh, sorry.”

Joel offers his hand to help Ellie back up and the sound of the honky-tonk piano creates sharp notes as she stands, Joel pulls back his hand once Ellie can manage on her own and begins to walk away.

You look to Joel, “How’s the hand?” He looks down at it as it shakes again, “It’ll heal.” Your face forms a frown and you shake your head, “That doesn’t answer my question.” Joel doesn’t respond and decides to continue and you simply follow.

“You okay?” Tess asks Ellie, and the young girl wades through the water like nothing happened, “Yep. Fucking Fabulous.”

After ten flights of stairs you finally made it to the top floor, Joel goes through the doorway first, while Tess takes a moment to catch her breath, “Fuck. Holy shit.”

You’re a little breathless, but not as much as Tess since you were a bit younger than her. “Come on, it wasn’t that bad.” Ellie says teasingly and Tess shoots her a look, “You try climbing ten fuckin’ floors with our knees. See how you feel.”

You turn right to a hallway, to see a giant obstruction made out of the rubble, “Well, when the fuck did that happen?” Tess tries to push the door to her right, only to be blocked. You try to check the door to the left to find the same outcome, you sigh “No.”

“All right, well, I mean, maybe I could climb up there. Work my way around and open it from the inside?” Ellie peers around the rocks, “Uh, no. Well, I’m the smallest, so it’d be easier for me to get through.” Tess hums, “But you die and we get nothing. You stay.”

“I could help.” You say a little meek, Tess is a little intimidating and you feel so out of place like you’re intruding. Technically, you aren’t supposed to be in this mess. She takes a good look at you and says, “Yeah, no.”

You deflate a little and avoid trying to argue, Tess turns to Joel and asks for help, “Can you give me a hand?” Joel pulls back Ellie with the strap of her backpack and she sighs, then Joel tugs your jacket sleeve to do the same. Your face warms a little bit, it’s the first time he’s ever touched you.

Joel boosts up Tess over the pile of rubble and she climbs over, “You good up there?” Tess analyzes the mess she needs to clean up and replies, “Yeah. It’s a bit of a mess, so I’m gonna need a few minutes.”

Joel turns around to face you and Ellie, he adjusts his gun and lets his back slide against the wall to sit down across from both of you. Ellie has her arms resting on her knees while you decide to sit comfortably cross-legged.

Ellie takes out her knife and decides to play with it, tossing it in her hands as if it were just a pen and not something that could easily cut her if she commits a mistake. You watch everything play out just like it did in the episode—character development.

“Nice knife,” Joel says as his eyes follow the movement of Ellie’s tossing. She only glances at him with acknowledgment. “Where’d you learn to do that?” he asks, you gotta hand it to him for trying to make an effort.

She replies with a monotone voice, “The circus.”

Joel looks away exasperated and completely done with her bullshit. You try and hide your smile, but the slight crease in your eyes gives away your amusement. Ellie folds her knife, and as Joel sighs, the kid decides to give an olive branch, “Where are you from?”

“Texas.” He replies, and Ellie continues, “What about Tess?”

“Detroit. It’s in Michigan.”

If there’s anything she hated most, was the fact people underestimate her intelligence, she rolls her eyes and Ellie’s reply comes out harsh, “I go to school. I know where Detroit is.”

Her response causes a wave of silence between the three of you. Your eyes drift from Joel to Ellie, she then decides it’s your turn to be interrogated, “Are you from the future?”

Your mouth twists a little to the right before deciding on a good enough answer, “Sort of? Your technology stopped advancing in 2003, so, I guess I am?” This piques her interest, “So, what’s it like over there?”

You pick the dirt off the underside of your fingernails, a little nervous, or if not nervous then cautious, as you respond, “Almost the same. Our technology is way different though.”

“Different how?” She asks.

You give her a soft smile and respond, “Well, for starters, we have touch screens for phones, laptops, tablets, you name it, it probably has a touch screen.”

“No way,” Ellie says with her eyes full of amazement and wonder, “What else?”

You give a hum as you teasingly tell her, “I don’t know… it might blow your tiny little mind.” She blows a raspberry in your face and you stick your tongue out in retaliation.

“Come on! Wait, you said we were just characters in some kind of story?” She says dramatically and tugs the sleeve of your jacket and continues, “What did you mean by that?”

Your eyes shift to look at Joel, who has his full attention on you; simply waiting. You blink owlishly at him, once, then twice before settling on a response, “Yeah, um, it recently aired.”

“So, do you know the future? Like our future? What’s about to happen? Will we be able to make a cure or a vaccine?” You couldn’t keep up with her rapid questions, and your mouth slightly parts open. Should you tell them?

Can you change the fact Tess is practically minutes away from death? That Joel is about to make the worst mistake of his life? That Bill and Frank are… that they…

Luckily, you didn’t need to answer Ellie, Joel who senses your unease, steps in for you, “Ellie, stop askin’ her about her life, she doesn’t wanna give anythin’ up.” You look at him apologetically and shut your eyes for a while. This migraine keeps bothering you, a sharp, heavy, thump in the side of your brain hasn’t gone away. You tell yourself that it eventually will. Maybe.

Ellie focuses her attention back to Joel, “So you two like a…”

“Pass.” He says.

Ellie continues, “How’d you end up in Boston?”

“Pass. No more questions about me.” Ellie rolls her eyes at him and racks her brain for a different question, “How long do infected live?” Joel mocks Ellie in reply, “Oh, I thought you went to school.”

“It’s a really shitty one.” She snarkily replies. You smile at their banter with your eyes closed, enjoying the conversation that they have going on. Joel thinks for a moment before answering her, “Well, some last about a month or two. But there’s other’s been walkin’ about 20 years.”

Ellie fidgets with her knife again, “You ever kill one?”

You hear the slight sorrow in his voice, “Yeah, I’ve killed lots of them.” Ellie asks the most human question as she looks at the older man, “Was it hard? Like, knowing they were people once?”

You open your eyes to watch his gaze look away from the kid, memories come back to him, what he’s done and will continue to do, and he nods, “Sometimes.”

“What about that guy last night?” She asks, and you frown while he gives Ellie a stern look. You knew Ellie liked the fact Joel hurt the FEDRA guard to protect her. She loved it. Luckily Joel doesn’t have to respond, you could hear the sound of something approaching you. The loyalist immediately stands up, and you and Ellie get up to stand next to Joel, he puts his finger to the trigger of his gun, ready to protect you both from whatever is out there.

“You can put the gun down, Joel,” Tess calls out from a distance, and a tingle of jealousy moves through your bones like electricity. She knew him so well, to the point where she knew what he was going to do before doing it. They both loved each other without admitting it, and it hurts you. They never stood a chance.

You hear the quiet rumble of Tess pushing away the debris to open the door, the loud creak of metal reveals her face, and it’s full of worry. Joel reads her like a book, “What now?” Then Tess nods her head, signaling to follow her.

As you make your way upstairs, you take notice of the abandoned wine glass and dishes, the dust that coats every inch of the hotel, and the fallen chairs. Tess pulls back a plastic curtain for you and Ellie to walk through, only to be greeted by the view of hundreds of infected down below.

“There’s so many,” Ellie comments in disbelief, you can hear the cries and wailing of each Runner as they roll and crawl. The young girl leans a little forward to get a better view. Tess nods, “The last time we were here they were still deep inside the buildings. Then I guess enough people came through looking for the QZ they went inside seeking shelter, and that’s how they get more and more of the city bit by city year after year.”

As the clouds pass by, the sun shines through a little, overwhelming light shines over the infected, they screech and roll away, like a domino effect. “They’re connected,” Ellie says, and Tess nods in confirmation, “More than you know. The fungus also grows underground. Long fibers like wires, some of them stretching over a mile.”

If you weren’t so focused on listening to Tess explain the cordyceps, you would have felt Joel staring at you the whole time, observing how you were taking all of the information being shared. You were surprisingly calm, despite the fact zombies are now real and you could die. And possibly a little worried like you were anticipating something bad was going to happen.

Tess continues, “Now you step on a patch of cordyceps in one place and you can wake a dozen infected from somewhere else. Now they know where you are, now they come. You’re not immune from being ripped apart. You understand? It’s important. I’m trying to keep you alive.”

Ellie nods and you do too, even if the question wasn’t directed at you. “So we’re not going that way.” She states, and Tess agrees, “No.”

“What do we do then? Short way?” Ellie asks and Joel looks at Tess, and speaks the dreaded words you’ve heard before, “Museum.”

A/N: Trust me, I’m working double time on the next one if this is received well :,) Thank you for reading! See ya in the next chapter <3

Next Chapter ->

#joel miller x y/n #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x poc!reader #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal #tlou #tlou remake #tlou rewrite #tlou series #joel miller x reader series #joel miller x reader tlou #tlouhbo #the last of us rewrite #joel miller x modern reader #joel miller x reader au

1K notes · View notes

dostoyevsky-official · 2 months ago

Text

Doomscrolling Is Slowly Eroding Your Mental Health June 2020

For years people have questioned the net benefits of platforms like Twitter and Facebook, and while some studies have found social media, when used responsibly, can have positive effects on mental health, it can also lead to anxiety and depression. Or, at the bare minimum, FOMO. And that’s just the result of looking at too many brunch photos or links to celebrity gossip. Add in a global pandemic and civil unrest—and the possibility that social media networks are incentivized to push trending topics into your feeds—and the problem intensifies. [...] The doom and gloom isn’t all the media’s fault, though. Mesfin Bekalu, a research scientist at the Lee Kum Sheung Center for Health and Happiness at Harvard’s T. H. Chan School of Public Health, notes that while a lot of the news is bad, “as humans we have a ‘natural’ tendency to pay more attention to negative news.” This, along with social media algorithms, makes doomscrolling—and its impacts—almost inevitable. “Since the 1970s, we know of the ‘mean world syndrome’—the belief that the world is a more dangerous place to live in than it actually is—as a result of long-term exposure to violence-related content on television,” Bekalu says. “So, doomscrolling can lead to the same long-term effects on mental health unless we mount interventions that address users’ behaviors and guide the design of social media platforms in ways that improve mental health and well-being.” The effects of doomscrolling also vary depending on who’s doing it. [...] Many activists didn’t participate in doomscrolling simply because, they said, “I can’t see myself being killed over and over again in this tiny square on my phone.”

It’s Time to Log Off Nov 2023

Scrolling through social media can feel like a nightmare these days. You’re reading about the horrors of the Israel-Hamas war, and then you’re reading about the horrors of the war between Ukraine and Russia. You’re learning about the latest devastating climate news. Democracy is under threat in America. It can feel like everything is falling apart. This, of course, can have a significant effect on your mental health. You start to feel overwhelmed. [...] Matthew Price, a professor of psychological science at the University of Vermont, says that stress is cumulative. [...] Price says ingesting a lot of negative news can cause anxiety and depression, at least for some period of time, but it’s especially likely to “exacerbate” anxiety, depression, and PTSD in people who have a history of experiencing those conditions. He says that people often doomscroll because there’s something bad going on and they want to find a way to fix the problem they’re reading about. “When we’re doomscrolling, we’re kind of looking for the resolution to the issue. Read some more posts. Read some more articles. If I get more information, then maybe I’ll understand the problem,” Price says, describing the doomscrolling cycle. [...] “It’s not about ‘this is a bad thing and this is a good thing.’ It’s about how you engage with it and how it fits in with the rest of what’s going on in your life,” Teachman [a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia] says. “How are you living the rest of your life, and what are the impacts on that?” [...] Price says that acting locally on issues you’re concerned about can help you maintain your mental health because otherwise things can feel too far away and too difficult to solve. Maybe you can’t end a war, but perhaps you can help some people in your community or get your community to do something that helps a bigger problem.

i find the defiance that it's not phones (a shorthand for everything they provide access to) eroding our children's attention spans puzzling. bad news isn't new, the press has always veered towards the sensational, people have always overfocused on the negative. but the technology of access and dissemination is brand new. this is a summary of a few research studies on doomscrolling and the emotional, psychological effects it has on adults. surely everyone reading this has experienced some it in some form. you don't think worse things are happening to undeveloped brains?

#they're short wired articles summarizing particular studies #but why do people feel the phenomenon is no different in the aggregate?

43 notes · View notes

gold-rhine · 10 months ago

Text

What the guard dogs are for

There are some things you never want to hear your secret years-long crush saying, such as “I’m getting married,” “I think we should stay friends” or “I’m the destroyer of the present order, the one who shall judge all gods, and the foe of humanity.” Wriothesley’s very bad, no good day of trying to unravel conspiracy theories, fumbling a tea party with Chief Justice and learning Teyvat’s ancient history and vishap lore from the leading expert lector.

Genre: angst and misinformation campaign

Characters: Neuvillette\Wriothesley, Enjou

Warnings: sfw in a sense that nothing even remotely sexy happens, but there is dissociation, ptsd episode, brief mention of self-harm, and Enjou doing same thing he does in canon, which is not quite gaslighting? Anyway, let me know if you feel any other warnings need to be added.

Chapters: 1 out of 2. Wordcount: ~8k

With his morning tea, Wriothesley riffled through the reports as usual. Nothing was marked urgent, so he started with the most boring part, - the official ones. The production numbers, coupon consumption statistics, everything is prepared for Neuvillette’s upcoming inspection, which was mostly a formality, but he would want it to go as smoothly as possible.

Reports from the surface informants. Traveler stirring up a ruckus with the research institute… Well, about time, that pit couldn’t go on forever pretending that massive explosions are just a part of science routine.

Next, creatures called “vishaps” appeared recently in Erinnyes Forest. These vishaps are apparently a lesser form of dragons, and connected to Liyue vishaps, also lizard-like creatures, though in Liyue they are aligned with geo, not hydro. Non-hostile to humans, aside from one accident. But in that one they fought back against the hunters sent by nobles to capture them as novelty pets. So the only regrettable part was that they didn’t get the nobles, only their lackeys. For shame.

Next, there are gangs with new lingo going around, which generally was a good thing to pay attention to as they usually ended up in Meropide. Wriothesley frowned, reading the lingo translations, as he suddenly felt old. “Trendy Zaytun Peach” was something he’d got called for taking it up the ass a lot in his days, but now it’s a hip and cool nickname with the youngsters.

Informal internal reports. Victims of beret society are rehabilitating fine, preparations for the wedding are underway. Good. Albert, a new guy from the shop, is sending him tea. Quite good tea at that. Obviously a bribe attempt, though he didn’t ask for anything as of yet, so it was basically free. Everything was fair in love and bribes as far as Wriothesley was concerned. You could throw everything at the feet of your beloved as to the feet of your targeted bureaucrat, and receive nothing and you would have no claim to complain. Now, the fact he wouldn’t take it into account when making decisions about their proposals, and sometimes would even consider it a negative, was a different matter altogether.

He perked up reading the last report. There was a new conspiracy, whose agenda was not very clear, as they were more careful than the others, but the gist was something against Neuvillette, so Wriothesley was tracking it for some time. It was hard to get anything concrete though, as they were pretty good at keeping a low profile, but now apparently one of the members by the name of Jacque got into the Fortress on unrelated charges, and he was reportedly not the brightest shank on the block.

Wriothesley made the arrangements.

Half an hour later, he happened to stroll by when Jacque was being beaten up by three guys in the shadowy corner.

“Hey, what’s going on here? Leave him alone!” he said, walking up to them.

“Oh yeah?”, said one of the bullies, turning to him. “Well, make me!”

They were paid double for the pretend fight. It might have been an overkill, usually Wriothesley would go for just scaring them off without combat. Especially because anyone who’s been in the Fortess for some time or had a head on their shoulders would understand that nobody would try to openly fight the Duke outside of the fight club arena. But Jacque was as fresh as they get, allegedly stupid, and it was Wriothesley’s first chance at any info in two whole months, so he decided to make it as impressive as possible.

He went as easy on the guys as he could, they theatrically threw the fight and retreated.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, kneeling next to the guy in the corner and putting his hand on his shoulder for emphasis.

“Yeah, yeah, I think I’m fine,” Jacque muttered, shaking his head.

“Why did they attack you?”

“They don’t want me to spread the truth...” Jacque said with heavy emphasis. “But uh, thanks for helping me out.”

“No need to thank me. I feel bad enough that honest folk like yourself get picked on in MY Fortress. That’s not how I want to run my place, so it’s only natural that I stand up for you.”

It took a moment, but finally the guy gasped.

“Your fortress? Are you… the Duke?”

At least he knew what “Duke” is.

“Yeah,” Wriothesley grinned, turning up the charm. “And allow me to get you a couple of drinks to compensate for the rude welcome you’ve received so far.”

He got them to the Coupon Cafeteria, where best meals were already arranged, and generously poured alcohol into the poor guy, listening to the story of his life and misfortunes that brought him to the Fortress, nodding empathetically. He didn’t ask about Neuvillette at all, to not spook the target, trusting that he will come to this anyway, and finally his patience was rewarded.

“You know, you’re good!” the guy said drunkenly after some time, clasping his hand on Wriothesley's shoulder, which he beared stoically, grinning with all friendliness in the world.

“You know, they say we can’t talk to you because you’re bought by that lizard, but I think you’re a good guy. You just don’t know all the facts!”

“Which are?”

The guy leaned closer to him and lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper. “Neuvillette is an evil dragon!”

Wriothesley choked on a laughter, which was way too obvious to turn into cough even for the dunce this stupid.

“No, you don't understand! Dragons were enemies of humanity that Celestia conquered. But they come back when killed! They reincarnate! He is a hydro dragon who was reborn in a human form so he could more easily trick us!”

Wriothesley blinked, remembering Neuvillette standing under the rain, and the old children’s song. “Hydro dragon, Hydro dragon, don’t cry….”

“He put our rightful archon Furina on that trial, right? No one else saw the verdict, so he pretended she was declared guilty. He forced her to abdicate and took the power for himself!”

Wriothesley realized long ago that Neuvilette, of course, was not human. It was clear to any idiot who talked to him for longer than a minute in an informal setting, not to mention a lifespan of at least five hundred years. But there were a lot of options other than “evil dragon”. There were old gods who did not receive archonhood, but instead decided to serve the archon, like Liyue’s adepti, and he always assumed Neuvillette was of the same kind. But the idea that Iudex was some kind of evil monster with a grudge against humanity was ridiculous. Especially when he showed up at the Fortress and saved the entire Fountaine and Wriothesley’s own hide from the flood.

“Really?”

“Yeah! We should restore our true archon Furina to her rightful throne!”

Furina’s insurrection? Interesting. Wouldn’t peg her for someone capable of this type of conspiracy.

“And did Furina herself give us her blessing?”

“She can’t speak publicly, as this monster threatens her.”

Hmm, inconclusive on Furina’s involvement.

He spent more time with the drunk Jacque, trying to get more details, but couldn’t get much more than unhinged ramblings on how evil the dragons are and how insidious it was for a dragon to pretend to be a human. He had to leave to prepare to Neuvillette's arrival the next day.

_____

Neuvillette stepped out of Opera Epiclese into the rain and slowed down his pace to prolong the sensation. It was a bit of what humans called guilty pleasure, as he felt guilty from inflicting rain on humans for his own pleasure. Though from his understanding, humans felt guilty because they saw this pleasure as something bad for themselves. Even if often this supposed harm made no sense to Neuvillette. Eating too much food until a human's stomach hurt was at least understandable to see as such, but he heard one of palais’ secretaries say that romance novels were her guilty pleasure. How could humans feel guilty for something as simple as reading? He stopped and asked her why she would feel guilty for reading, because melusines kept telling him that socializing with humans is very easy, you just need to ask them questions about themselves and let them talk about what they like. Well, it didn’t seem to work, as the secretary stumbled, started hyperventilating and emanated levels of panic and anxiety comparable to someone in the defendant’s chair. Sensing human emotions did not actually help Neuvillette in communicating with them, as he could not discern the reasons. He asked her if she perhaps came into possession of any cursed texts? He could generally sense the stench of corruption and there was nothing on her, but there was always a possibility that it was a curse he could not register. She panicked even more and vehemently denied. At this point he decided to give up on socializing, as it was obviously very distressing for humans, but felt obliged to tell her that if she ever did read anything she felt was cursed, to inform him. He hoped it would assuage her fear of reading. She thanked him, stuttering, and after that day avoided him at all costs.

The rain was a compromise solution in any case. Neuvillette always felt a bit strained and uncomfortable in his body, but after obtaining full dragonhood and most of the memories of past lives, the human shape felt downright stifling. He now remembered thousands of years of being something much bigger, long coils that could easily crush the spire of Opera Epiclese. Now, when he looked at his own reflection, it was hard to comprehend that this small and ridiculous frame was actually him. In addition, all of his memories and instincts called him to be submerged in water. But even with his poor understanding of humans, he realized that seeing the Iudex floating in the river would alarm humans much more than him standing under the rain. So rain was the closest solution he could get at his position.

He summoned rain instinctively, to be as close to engulfed in water as possible. It was a bit embarrassing that even humans noticed it and composed a rhyme, even if that rhyme was inaccurate. He didn’t cry, as vishaps didn’t cry at all and even his current human shaped body didn’t have tear ducts. The closest he could pinpoint to human experience, as he understood it, was being stressed and desire to be comforted, for which water was his best remedy.

And currently he was quite stressed, looking over the Fontaine laws in an attempt to revise them. The current system that treated justice as theater was clearly imperfect, which he realized long ago. But he never saw himself as authorized to change it, as humans were the responsibility of the archon and even without it, he was well aware he didn’t understand humans, so he knew it wasn’t his place to question the human justice system, to which he was only a temporary guest. But now, as fontanias became part of Teyvat after his decision, and so, a part of his responsibility as Teyvat’s god of life, even if the usurper tried to deny him, he couldn’t ignore the need for change any longer. The problem was that he did not understand humans any better, so it was very stressful to try and restructure their systems of governance.

He extended a hand, catching raindrops on his palm, when he noticed a silhouette near the elevator to the Fortress, and stopped himself from visibly controlling the weather.

Wriothesley caught his eyes and grinned, approaching him at brisk pace, umbrella over his head.

“Greetings, Monsieur.”

“Good morning, Your Grace.”

Wriothesley always somehow managed to make a “Monsieur” sound more impactful than Neuvillette could “Your Grace”, despite one being a noble title and another just a polite greeting.

“Would you like to…?” Wriothesley extended his arm with an umbrella, without actually covering Neuvillette with it. In the past, as a part of playing a role of “normal human”, Neuvillette accepted such offers, though there were not many aside from Wriothesley who dared to approach him with it. But now, as he was a full-fledged dragon, at the height of his power and influence in this land, surely he could afford to discard this role? Surely he could afford to be himself at least in this?

“No, thank you,” he said, smiling and trying to sound as cordial as possible, so that Wriothesley would not think it was a slight against him personally. “Don’t take it as offense, but I actually like being under the rain.”

The Duke smiled back, shaking his head.

“No offense taken, but why didn’t you say it last time? I felt like an idiot forcing you under an umbrella.”

“Really?” Neuvillette perked up, falling in step with the human. “You could tell that I…”

“Hated it? Yeah, for sure.”

“....prefered not to have an umbrella.”

Wriothesley let out a low, guttural bark of laughter that somehow got to the dragon despite him not being interested in humans in general.

“Not only I could tell I disturbed you, but I had to walk on the flowerbed to get to you, and then I trailed dirt in the Palais while everyone here glared at me for the audacity. Meanwhile you walked on the same dirt, but stayed pristine!”

“I’m sorry for…”

“Hey, don’t apologize. I’m just kidding, don’t worry.”

Neuvillette met the greyish blue eyes of thawed ice directly and sensed that he was truly not bothered, which didn’t make much sense. But Wriothesley was one of the very few humans who was not scared in the dragon’s presence. He was, probably, the only one who emanated only positive emotions at their meetings. Neuvillette mostly encountered negative reactions in his daily life at the trials, so he could not tell apart which positive feelings exactly that he read from Wriothesley due to the lack of exposure. But perhaps…

“I wouldn’t want you to feel unwelcome at the Palais,” Neuvillette said after a short pause.

Wriothesley grinned with a careless shrug.

“Then I will be there, even if the rest of your bureaucrats make faces. As I said, don’t worry.”

Neuvilette frowned, but didn’t see much point in pressing this further. After a confrontation with Navia, the dragon realized that his lack of understanding of humans hindered him, instead of making him truly impartial. Especially now that he was de facto in charge of the entire Fontaine government. And practice showed that only direct interaction with humans could give valuable experience, as watching from the Iudex seat did not allow him a nuanced understanding.

So perhaps, if Wriothesley was a rare human who was not scared of him, and he proved rational and trustworthy in the years they knew each other, Neuvillette could confide in his true nature and maybe ask for advice in understanding humanity?

“Perhaps staying for some tea would make up for this past offense?”

Wriothesley stumbled for a moment.

“Seriously?” He sounded as casual and ironic as usual, but the surprised burst of positive emotions from him was bright and obvious. “After all these years you finally decided to deign my humble office with your presence?”

“It’d be a completely unofficial visit, of course.”

“Sure, sure. It was never my secret plot to bribe you with a tea party, trust me, even I realize my tea is not that good.”

His voice was ironic, but for a moment Neuvillette could see his crooked grin turn into a genuine smile. So, reassured that he was not imposing, Iudex nodded and followed the human into the Fortress’ entrance.

_________

The inspection itself was mostly a formality. The Court of Fontaine technically had no direct authority over Meripode, but it provided guards and substantial resources, and so it had a right to oversee the use of these assets. The actual budgeting was done on the regular in behind the scenes reports though, as the data was not visible in the in person visit. Still, it was a time honored tradition that got Neuvilette to show up regularly.

“Take a seat. It will take me a minute to make tea.”

Neuvilette gracefully sat down on the visitor’s chair In Wriothesley office, folding his hands on the cane. He still sat with a ramrod straight back and perfect posture, but there was a certain lightness to him today, which was hard to put into words.

“The inspection is over, yet you are still nervous.”

Wriothesley knew he had a poker face good enough to cover it, yet Neuvillette saw it anyway. He had theorized for a long time that the Iudex could sense emotions, but usually he would not acknowledge it directly like this. “I wasn't nervous about the inspection to begin with. But inviting a high and mighty Iudex himself to the tea for years and then disappointing him when he finally accepts would be a devastating faux de pas. They will mock me on the first pages of all the papers tomorrow.”

Neuvillette frowned slightly.

“I must underline that I’m not here in any official capacity, and I would hope I’m talking to Wriothesley, not the Warden or the Duke. If you agree, I would ask that we leave the titles at the door.”

“No, of course,” Wriothesley, who had fantasized about leaving titles at the door and then clothes on the floor for actual years, said quickly, frantically recalculating how he could turn the tea party to wine tasting, which best wines he had confiscated in his storage and how he could make turning on the gramophone and then maybe leaning against the edge of the table in front of Neuvillette look natural and smooth. “Absolutely. I was just joking anyway, don’t mind it.”

“Ah, I see. I apologize, I’m unfortunately prone to missing humorous intent, so I appreciate your clarification.”

With how far the Iudex went out of his way to assure people of his good intentions in informal situations, Wriothesley really didn’t understand how everyone found him so intimidating. Especially because he very often had to interact with assholes in positions of power who did try to intimidate him on purpose and the contrast was very apparent. Neuvillette projected an aura of power without really wanting to, and then tried to over-explain himself to make others feel at ease. His earnest awkwardness was something like the clumsiness of a huge beast like an elephant trying not to step on the gaggle of kittens at his feet.

“In any case, there is nothing to be nervous about. After all, tea is liquid, and it’s really hard to make liquids unpleasant. So far I think only Fonta truly managed it.” Neuvillette drummed his fingers on the table and glanced at Wriothesley. “To be frank, if crimes against water could be prosecuted, Fonta would receive life in prison.”

Wriothesley snorted. “So no sugar in your tea, I take it?”

“No, thank you,” Iudex said politely and then, after a short pause, “And to clarify, I was not serious. There is nothing wrong with people liking sugary drinks, of course. I was just making an attempt at a joke.”

He really was horrendously bad at pretending to be a human. How could anyone hear him talk and still believe he’s a scheming manipulator was beyond ridiculous.

“No, I got it. It was a good joke,” The Duke grinned, placing a teacup in front of Neuvillette and sitting down across the table with his own.

Neuvillette gave him a graceful nod with a little smile and picked up his cup, giving it a swirl before tasting.

“Hmm. Interesting. Poignant. Bitter,” he said thoughtfully, tilting his head.

Wriothesley was about to mention that this sort was not usually bitter, but Iudex continued.

“Not by nature, but forced by circumstances. Not nearly enough water to be nourished, so it had to adapt and conserve strength, letting leaves seen as unimportant to die and concentrate on survival of the main branches. But there is not just hunger… there is a dream of rain. An ache of something not ever known, but yearned, longed for, without realizing what it is. But then…” Neuvillette closed his eyes for a moment. “It happened. There is a memory of luminous joy of water not gathered by mere drops, but drank in full, overwhelming, a feast after a life of fighting for scraps of morning dew. It had tasted rain at least once in the end.”

Wriothesley put his own cup down, leaning forward in disbelief.

“No way. This was a harvest from a drought year and it’s normally a mild sort, considered unusually strong in this season. How could you know this? Are you cheating?”

“You’re welcome to test me with other samples,” Neuvillette said with an air of a magnanimous ruler granting a boon and put the teacup down with a delicate clink.

“Oh, I’m taking you up on your word, trust me,” the Duke grinned, but then paused. He didn’t want to spoil the mood, but he remembered how strongly Neuvillette felt about the perceived melusines conspiracy. Wriothesley had to tell him about the evil dragon idiots just to make sure he’s not thrown off balance later. That’s what the guard dogs are for, after all.

“Actually, before we move forward with testing your psychic tea reading abilities, there is something concerning official business that I think you should know. And then we can forget it completely.”

Neuvillette inclined his head with a small smile.

“There is a small group of conspirators, - and I must reiterate, it’s very small - who operate on the ridiculous idea that… uh, that you’re some kind of an evil dragon who schemed to overthrow Furina.”

Neuvillette's smile froze.

“You don’t have to worry about it, really. It’s negligibly small, and well, anyone with a working brain would not believe that you’re a monster in disguise.”

Iudex was silent for some time, not meeting Wriothesley’s eyes.

“Are melusines implicated in this?” he said finally.

“No. No, there’s no connection to them in this stupid theory.”

“Good. That's good. They do love living with humans so much.”

Wriothesley suspected that Iudex was taking things kind of out of proportion again.

“Listen, it’s really nothing…”

“No, no, I understand. It would be so unacceptably horrifying for humans to learn their ruler is a… monster.”

Neuvillette's voice wavered, but his face was impartial, strict, previous lightness gone completely. Wriothesley saw his hands tighten their grip on the handle of his cane a moment before he abruptly stood up.

“I must apologize for impropriety, but I have important business in the Palais which was inappropriate for me to neglect for so long. I must beg your leave to depart.”

Wriothesley stood up too, scraping to understand what he did wrong.

“Wait, it’s not…”

“Thank you for your time, Your Grace.”

Wriothesley shut his mouth, the title feeling like a slap for the first time in his life. The formality and politeness somehow only made it worse. He took a deep breath and willed himself to sound calm.

“I hope you have a nice evening, Monsieur Iudex.”

Neuvillette left in what for his usual dignified pace could be considered a hurry. Wriothesley followed him without being seen, partly to make sure he doesn’t get bothered by inmates and partly on an instinct to investigate.

At the Fortress’ entrance, he watched Neuvillette walk under the rain, lifting his head upward. The blue strands of his long hair glowed and so did his coat-tails. They extended, shining brilliant bioluminescent blue, trailing behind the Chief Justice, in a moment looking like fish’s fins, then the next - as colossal snake’s coils. Sea waves crashed against the ridge without any wind, rising high, reaching to a lonely glowing figure of Iudex. With bated breath, Wriothesley watched Neuvillette extend a hand, as if catching raindrops - and rain stopped mid-flight in the air, lingering over his palm, waves frozen cresting over the earth. The raindrops gathered in a shuddering spheres, and then stretched upwards, against all laws of gravity. Wriothesley’s heart skipped a beat as Neuvillette closed his fist and the rain flew backwards to the skies.

Wriothesley stormed back into his office and frantically searched through the reports, pages flying about, until he found the one about vishaps. He looked at the photos, seeing similarities he would never look for before. The dark blue color of vishap’s hide was nearly identical to Neuvillette’s attire, but that was small beans, easily written off as coincidence. Their eyes, bright magenta with white vertical slice of a pupil, resembled Iudex, but there was room for debate, as his eyes were much paler, lilac merging into gentle blue instead of a bright pink, even as white vertical pupil was so similar. What really struck Wriothesley after all this, was actually the little blue feather at the side of the head of both vishaps and Neuvillette. It was identical and looked so… deliberate. It had to be chosen and placed precisely like this.

Still, this was not enough. He needed more evidence. He needed… he needed answers.

He walked to Jacque's block as quickly as he could without alarming inmates, but when he got to the conspirator’s room, Jacque was sleeping on the bed and a man was sitting on the chair next to him, reading a book. He looked up when Wriothesley walked in and stood up, clumsily dropping the book. He was tall and gangly, had dark hair, Inazuman features and light brown eyes behind the glasses.

“Who are you?” Wriothesley was really not in the mood for playing games.

“Well, my organization caught wind that you are interested in learning some… historical information, and our poor Jacque is really not the best source, which is why I’m here to answer any questions you have,” the man gave him a groveling smile. “You can call me Enjou.”

“Not here. In my office. Follow me.”

When they got there, Enjou whistled musingly.

“Uh, what a nice office! Must be a pretty sweet gig. I wish I had an office instead of slinking in dump ruins all the time.” He sighed theatrically. “So, I assume your main questions are on the vishap situation. I…”

“Wait,” Wriothesley said, walking up to one of his wall cabinets. “You can’t expect me to just believe you on your word.”

“Oh, of course, of course! You’re free to rough me up a bit first. Maybe a little bit of torture? But only a little bit, I’ve got a glass jaw, haha!”

Wriothesley didn’t live so long as an undisputed champion of fight club to not recognize a freak who gets off on pain. He grimaced, walking up to the table where Enjou was already trying to rifle through the papers. He stopped with an apologetic grin and put his hands up. Wriothesley put a glass vial on the table.

“Drink.”

Enjou raised his eyebrows.

“Are we dining and wining first or?...”

“It’s a truth serum,” it was a secret project of the Sumeru Akademiya, before the sages were overthrown. Dendro Archon reportedly could read the thoughts of people, and sages were trying to replicate the effect at least partially. Wriothesley came into possession of it after using his network to get the sages connected to the needed people in Fontaine institute, as Fontaine was at the cutting edge of mech technology and the sages were apparently building an artificial god. Didn’t pan out for them, but the serum worked. Wriothesley was sure of it, because he tried it on himself first.

“Oh! How exciting! How does it work? Will it perhaps burn my insides in agonizing pain if I lie?”

“Drink,” Wriothesley said through gritted teeth.

Enjou smiled and drank the vial in one shot.

“Well, nothing is burning so far, but the evening is young, haha,” he said, smacking his lips.

Wriothesley took a deep breath.

“Why are you here?”

“Huh? What do you mean? To explain the history to you, as I said.”

“Because of the goodness of your heart? What’s your agenda? Your goal?”

Enhou cleared his throat.

“Well, first of all, I do believe in uncovering and spreading so-called “forbidden” knowledge. But with your particular case can you really question my agenda? I didn’t come to you first. You were the one who sought us out. I didn’t even want to be here! I was doing my own thing without knowing about you, to be honest! But, well, I am in an organization with some unfortunate morons who thought that recruiting a convenient idiot and then sending him into underworld prison to make sure he isn’t heard is a great plan. And then when the Warden takes note of the idiot and gets him to blabber, these same morons go, Enjou, you have to get there, because you’re a vishap expert! Ugh.”

Enjou shook his head in seemingly sincere frustration.

“But um, yeah, I’m not trying to recruit you or anything. We know how you’ve disposed of House of Hearth agents and how you generally obstruct Fatui’s activity, and we just don't want you to do the same to us. Because we’re not your enemy! So I’m here to provide you with the necessary context to see that.”

Wriothesley drummed his fingers on the table.

“Okay. Start talking about Neuvilette and vishaps.”

“Well, Neuvilette is a Hydro Dragon, that should be obvious. To clarify, Hydro Dragon here means Hydro Dragon Sovereign, because technically all hydro vishaps are hydro dragons. If you didn’t know, which is understandable, as you’re more of a fighter type and not a bookworm like myself, haha, vishaps are primordial elemental creatures, original rulers of this land and mortal foes of humanity. Long before Archons, there were Dragon Sovereigns in charge of each element. Then there was a war with Celestia, specifics of which are not widely known, but we do know that Celestia won, dragons were largely eradicated and the huge chunks of powers of Sovereigns were taken from them and given to the Archons. Hydro Sovereign was killed.”

Enjou made a dramatic pause, before leaning forward with a grin. “But you see, vishaps reincarnate. Neuvillette is a Hydro Sovereign reborn in a human shape. There was actually an Inazuman prophecy about it, recorded in the Byakuyakoku Collection. That Hydro Dragon will descend in a human form, and it specifically mentions a cane. This really baffles me, to be honest. How could they predict the cane? Why does he even need a cane? Surely not because of any weakness, he’s an immortal dragon, 500 years is very young for him. And the records say when Neuvilette took his position as the Iudex some 400 years ago, he already had a cane. Was he born with it? Like, had he sprung fully formed, with a cane? Did he pick it up as, I don't know, honorary agreement with a prophecy? Or were his fashion choices actually predetermined to the degree that the prophecy knew them millenia ago?”

“Get back on track,” Wriothesley growled.

“Oh, sorry. Hmm, this serum works by forcing you to spell your thoughts out loud, yes? Well, then it’s not my fault I’m even more blabbering than usual!”

Wriothesley clasped his hands together and said slowly, carefully watching Inazuman’s reaction. “Even if he is a hydro sovereign dragon, as you say, this alone does not make him evil, as your conspiracy claims.”

Enjou fixed his glasses. He really had the hands of a bookworm, no work calluses or fighting scars. But there were spots of reddened, peeling skin that looked like burns that didn’t get to fully heal before getting burned again.

“Did you miss the “mortal foe of humanity” bit? But okay, sure. This is Fontaine after all, presumption of innocence and all that. I mean, I can’t read his thoughts to tell you under oath that he’s evil, so don’t take me to court, hehe!” Enjou grinned, clearly pleased at his own joke. “But I can tell what I know and ask some questions. My first question is why, after losing a war and presumably being killed by Celestia, would an ancient dragon god want to serve a servant of Celestia? The Archon, who rules with what is actually his own power? Unless he had some sort of agenda, perhaps? And come to think of it, why would Hydro Archon put a mortal foe of humanity into a position of such institutional power?”

“Are you implying Neuvilette forced Furina to give him the position of Iudex?”

“Well, I wasn’t here!” Enjou raised his hands defensively. “But why else would he become the Iudex?”

“There are higher beings and gods serving archons in other nations. Like Liyue adepti serving Rex Lapis.”

“Morax was known as the prime of the adepti. None of them could compare with him at strength. Same with yokai and Baal in Inazuma, she was the strongest by far. It’s natural that they would accept servitude. But here…” Enjou glanced at Wriothesley with a sly smile. “If you had to make a bet on a direct fight between Neuvillette and Furina, who would you bet on? Come on, I know tales that her own court would not listen to her until the Iudex tapped his cane.”

Wriothesley couldn’t really argue with this. When the Primordial Sea started breaking out, he himself sent for Neuvillette and didn’t even think to ask the actual Archon.

“In that case, why didn’t he just kill her immediately? Why would he play the judge?”

“Well, you see, he would not get his power back from just killing her. It would just pass to the next Archon. No, the Hydro Archon had to destroy her own throne. And running out the ruler requires a long game, as you know very well yourself, You Grace.”

Wriothesley kept a calm face, but something must have given him away, as Enjou grinned predatorily.

“Next set of facts and questions. You know of the infamous Archon trial, of course? When it was revealed that fontanian people are actually oceanids, given human shape by the previous hydro archon, Egeria? And the prophecy of the flood works because Primordial Sea waters dissolve fontanians into their oceanid forms. Well, the flood actually came. Why were fontanians not dissolved?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me that.”

“Hehe, yes. It was because Neuvillette turned them into real humans with his powers of Hydro Sovereign. How generous of him, yeah? The question is, why did it take him so long? It’s been 500 years, and yet fontanians were made human only minutes before the flood.”

Despite a feeble bookworm posturing, there was a shadow of unhinged madness in his eyes, dangerous enough that in any other case Wriothesley would cut contact. But the stakes were too high right now. He needed to get all the information he could out of this lunatic.

“You might also remember that on the same trial it was proven that Furina is not a Hydro Archon. And I can tell you that the actual Archon, Focalors, was in the Oracle machine the whole time. Sorry, I’m not even trying to pronounce that full name, haha!”

The urge to punch this bastard was overwhelming, but Wriothesley kept himself in check, mostly because he could tell he was being baited into it and he didn’t want to give the piece of shit the satisfaction.

“Anyway, Neuvilette had an audience with her right after a trial, and as result she killed herself and gave him power back. You see, Hydro Archon doesn’t have the ability to turn oceanids into real humans. All of you were just… things, playing at being humans,” Enjou said with a smirk that looked more fascinated than mocking. “But Hydro Sovereign, the original god of life, does have the power to do so. And he also, conveniently, has control over the Primordial Sea, which you, Your Grace, already know as he stopped the flood in your own Fortress.”

Wriothesley raised an eyebrow and Enjou smiled with a shrug.

“Again, I was not there! But I do know Hydro Sovereign controls the Primordial Sea, and that there is an entrance to the Sea in the Meripode Fortress. I also know that there was some emergency in the Fortress, where inmates were told to run as close to the surface as possible, and then Monsieur Iudex visited and the disaster was somehow avoided.”

Wriothesley frowned.

“If he was really a mortal enemy of humanity, why wouldn’t he just let the gates of Meripode break and the flood happen right there and then? We would all be gone and he wouldn’t need to lift a finger. Instead he ran to help when I… when the Fortress called.”

“And what would that achieve? He still wouldn’t get his power back,” Enjou shrugged dismissively and then smiled, almost wistfully.

“No, you know what I would do if *I* was the Hydro Sovereign with an ability to take human form? And if the Archon who held my power hostage was relatively weak AND had the prophecy involving a flood of the Sea I control? Well, I’d infiltrate human society, take a position of high authority and make sure the humans not only see me as the personification of law and justice, but also respect me more than their own Archon. And when the prophecy deadline is coming up, I’d make sure I have people loyal to me in some key positions. Such as Royal Duelist… and the Warden of the Fortress.”

“He didn’t make me the Warden,” Wriothesley gritted out.

“No, but he did make you the Duke, didn’t he?” Enjou smirked with a wink. “Our sources say the Court was not thrilled to give the highest noble title to you. And if the Iudex did not throw his own weight behind it, it would have never come to pass. How generous of him.”

It was true, Wriothesley’s own informants reported that the Court loathed to give him a title, let alone as high as the Duke. Neuvillette was the only one who fought for him and fought hard, because usually Iudex’s one word was enough to make a decision, but here the stalemate lasted for two months. They wanted to compromise and give him the viscount, but Iudex wouldn’t budge, so in the end, they caved.

Wriothesley never asked Neuvillette for the title. Neuvillette never mentioned what he did for the Warden and never dropped anything even as close as a hint of asking anything in return.

Unless you see it as a part of centuries long game, where mundane favors didn’t matter, but being called first to the access of the Primordial Sea did.

“Ah, you’re starting to get it, don’t you?” Enjou sensed blood in the water, like a proper shark would. “Then I would orchestrate a public court hearing to absolutely discredit the current ruler and corner the actual Archon. And when Focalors is forced to talk to me…. I would make a bargain. Saving the lives of all fontanians in exchange of getting my full power back and Focalors dying. Isn't it ironic that the dragon playing human was the one to turn human-shaped water things into actual humans?"

Enjou leaned back against his chair, grinning with satisfaction.

“And then I’d have an entire country loyal to me as a ruler, which would make a great foothold to use for attacking Celestia.”

Wriothesley took a deep breath.

“You really expect me to take you on your word? You might believe it yourself, which will pass the truth serum, but the word of a lunatic is not evidence.”

“Oh, of course not! I would never expect you to take my lowly word for it. Instead, why don’t you take Monsieur Iudex’s word?”

Enjou made a dramatic gesture of spilling a heap of conches onto the table. Wriothesley raised his eyebrows, when the other man poked one of them awkwardly.

“Now that I have reclaimed one of the Seven Authorities from the hands of the usurpers, I have regained my true form,” a calm voice that was undoubtedly Neuvillette, said out of nowhere. “I am now a fully fledged dragon, powerful enough to judge the rest of the gods. My final destiny is to judge the Usurper-King in the heavens above.”

“This could be faked,” Wriothesley said automatically, just to argue, but his heart already fell.

“You wound me! These are his words, and I spent an entire night fishing them out for you, I’ll have you know. It’s quite hard to capture this. You’re welcome to listen to all of them and see for yourself.”

Almost against his will, Wriothesley reached out and touched one of the conches.

“…I shall fulfill my vow to judge all of The Seven in turn, even if the sky should fall and the ground give way.”

Wriothesley took an abrupt breath through his teeth. Enjou sighed and stood up.

“I think it’s better for you to listen to this alone. After, you’re welcome to reach out to us, but please don’t make any hasty decisions. I’ll see you soon, Your Grace!”

Enjou walked down the stairs, and by the time Wriothesley got to them, there was no one there. The Duke couldn’t bring himself to focus on that though. Instead, he walked up to one of the wall cabinets and took out a bottle of whiskey he was saving up as a possible gift.

He didn’t bother with the glass. He fell down into the chair in front of the conches and clenched his fingers on the bottle, icy veins springing up from under them. He took a sip and touched another conch.

“…my grievances with the usurpers have yet to be settled... They owe a debt of blood that shall not be forgotten.”

He drank, staring blindly into the distance, and listened, and the quiet words burned worse than whiskey sliding down his throat. He caught himself on a familiar thought. “This can’t be happening. This is too monstrous.” The same feverish thoughts he had when he discovered the truth about his foster parents.

As if by now he shouldn’t have learned that nothing is too monstrous in this world.

“As a survivor of the dragon race who has regained my full dragonhood, I must fulfill my oath and obligations even if it means returning all the water in the oceans back to the heavens.”

It really did sound exactly like Neuvillette. Wriothesley tried to find the lie, something that sounded fake, but not only the voice, but the cadence and word choice fit. And it sounded calm, impartial as usual too. And then there were hydro vishaps appearing in Erinnyes…

Fuck, was it really that easy to fool him? Was he really this big of a fool? He learned to distrust sweet words and warm smiles, and he was so sure that he wouldn’t get caught in the same lies ever again, even if he sacrificed his ability to love for this. But all it took was a seeming opposite, direct and harsh, too cold and intimidating to appear manipulative, but endearingly awkward just sometimes, just enough to make him believe that… That there was something true and clear in this rotten world. That he could trust in *someone*.

“Nothing will stop me from rendering judgment on each of The Seven.”

He went through all of the recordings, frantically at first, wanting to find contradictions, then, when none were found, numbly re-listening to the few that hit the worst.

“…also the destroyer of the present order, the one who shall judge all gods, and the foe of humanity. “

Wasn’t it too obvious in hindsight? Why would the Iudex stake his own reputation on Wriothesley’s title? How could you not see it coming? Oh, because you thought you “deserve” it for turning this dog-fighting pit of a prison into something with a modicum of fairness? Because you thought he recognized your redemption? Gods, what are you, fucking fourteen again, did you learn nothing, why would anyone ever care about you, you naive goddamn idiot?

Soon, the bottle was somehow almost done. At this point he was running one recording on repeat, mindless and purposeless except for repeating slashes of pain, familiar rhythm like the knife on his wrists years ago.

"Hydro Dragon, Hydro Dragon, don't cry." Whoever had penned that rhyme, as well as the Fontainians who came to believe in it, must not have known the Hydro Dragon all that well, considering that they thought the Hydro Dragon could cry. What did they take said Dragon for, some sort of bleeding heart who grieved for humans and the heavens alike?”

If this was true… If this was true, then Wriothesley didn’t just get fooled himself. Then he helped a monster take control of the country and potentially use it in war against heavens.

He clenched his hand and it took him a moment to realize he broke the bottle he was holding in it. That pain from glass pieces in his palm felt small and distant now. But at last, it spurned him into action.

If this was true, he only had one shot. He’d already told Neuvillette of the dragon conspiracy, like a good little idiot eager to please. And any tyrant worth his salt would make sure to take him out after his, especially now that he outlived his purpose in giving access to Meripode vaults. He might have some time because of how oblivious he was, dismissing the conspiracy openly, but it couldn’t be long.

He couldn’t take his time. He couldn’t hope for the better. He had to act like it’s the worst option possible. More than anything, he needed to confront Neuvillette, dragon Sovereign or not. He had to fix this, no matter the cost.

He realized he needed leverage. Brute strength was out of the question. Even before the flood, Neuvillette absolutely destroyed Fatui Harbinger in one flash, quicker than anyone in the audience could see what happened. Wriothesley would put himself against Harbringer with no hesitation, but he wasn’t an idiot. If this was how powerful Iudex was before, then after allegedly gaining his full power, there was no way Wriothesley could threaten him. No, he needed something else.

He took out the paper and wrote a note, taking care to not stain it with blood. Fortunately, he held the bottle in his left hand, so he could keep it out of the way.

“....and so confess that I, Wriothesley, Warden of the Fortress of Meripode, killed Chief Justice, Iudex Neuvillette.”

He finished the note and carefully put in his signature, then folded the paper into an envelope and closed it with his personal seal. Then he walked up to a safe, one of the hidden ones, and punched in a code. When the safe opened, he rummaged in it for a moment, until finally taking out two vials.

This was sold to him as the poison that could kill a god.

#rhine writes #rhine writes light #neuvillette #wriothesley #wriolette #genshin impact #enjou #i had a lot of fun with enjou here #anyway let me know what you guys think

118 notes · View notes

rottenteeth · 2 months ago

Text

Science time with Rottenteeth!

To preface, DID is a trauma disorder just as PTSD is a trauma disorder, there is just heavier compartmentalization. Also there is nothing wrong morally with not wanting to, not having the resources to, or not being stable enough to recover. That isn't what this is about, its about the harm some people are causing to themselves unknowingly. My goal is education and harm reduction.

(Long post but many resources at the bottom)

Every system is different because everyone's trauma is different. This however, does not and will never apply to the treatment of dissociative identity disorder. There are 2 options if you want to recover and process trauma to the fullest extent. Being a functional integrated system and final fusion. These require the same treatment; stabilization, processing trauma, and the breaking down of dissociative barriers.

This means alter separation and the encouragement of treating them like genuine people, is counterintuitive to said path. Using people based language is not wrong, but genuinely believing you are multiple people will make your life much less functional. If you treat alters like separate people even with this knowledge, that is your decision and may be the safest option for your current situation. But it can and will make the future much harder.

Telling people with DID- a disorder that makes you disconnected from reality and fantasy prone- that a fully functional life and stable mental state is possible while "being multiple people" is not okay. Me and these other misinfo blogs aim to show people the true reality of this disorder and its treatment.

You wouldn't tell someone with PTSD that if processing trauma makes them feel bad then they don't have to process it to have a healthy life. You wouldn't tell someone with schizophrenia that they should embrace their hallucinations and treat them like they're real just because they feel real. Nor would you tell someone with depression that doing nothing and withdrawing from social interaction is helpful and a healthy path just because it feels the least taxing.

So why is it okay to endorse alter separation when we know that more alter separation=more dissociative barriers=less trauma processing? Why do we want people to not properly process their trauma?

Just because someone is more comfortable with the idea of being separate people (which occurs so that one can disown their trauma and emotions) does not mean it is a healthy recovery path. This disorder makes it so that "being multiple" is the most comfortable because that's what made life somewhat livable. That doesn't mean it's good, recovery will never be a happy comfortable process, it is a challenging and grueling process, it always has been.

It is okay to not be ready to accept alters as part of a whole, it is okay to feel scared when acknowledging that those things happened to all of you. Sometimes treating parts like people is a stage in the stabilization and trauma processing parts of treatment.

What isn't okay is making people think that treating yourself like you are multiple people in one body is a healthy thing long term. You are allowed to do so and my aim is to only educate these people about the long term harm they are doing so that they are informed in their decisions.

I think the confusion comes in because when we say alters are not separate people, it gets taken as us saying they shouldn't be treated with kindness and respect like a human. This is not and never has been what any of these accounts mean. Alters have individuality and may feel like different people and it is okay to acknowledge that, and they still deserve respect and compassion. But this does not mean they are people. No matter how severe your barriers are.

This disorder is not alter disorder but they are a manifestation of trauma and unmet needs. This doesn't diminish the fact that accepting this idea of being a fractured whole is incredibly hard and should be done with the help of a therapist during stabilization.

Here are some good resources:

#dissociative identity disorder #osddid #actually did #cdd #complex ptsd #anti misinfo #dissociative parts #complex dissociative disorder #dissociative identities #alternate states of consciousness #Not striving for a full recovery isnt wrong #Just be informed on the weight of your decision #recovery wants vary between people but be aware of the one that provides the best quality of life #Dont encourage part separation in others but if that is what you strive for there is nothing morally wrong with that

49 notes · View notes

miraculouslbcnreactions · 1 year ago

Text

Adrien is Marinette's Therapist, NOT her Boyfriend and it's Gross

Mental health struggles are no joke and, if you have those struggles, then you absolutely need a partner who will support you through them. That's why, at face value, Adrien supporting Marinette with her PTSD and anxiety is very sweet. It's what a good boyfriend should do. The problem is that Adrien is being written like her therapist, not her boyfriend.

Adrien has his own struggles with depression, loss, and paternal neglect. Yet none of these struggles are brought up once Adrien and Marinette get together. Instead, the relationship is all about her needs and struggles even though this season ends with Gabriel's take down, meaning that focusing on Adrien's issues would have made more sense from a narrative perspective. How much more powerful would the final have been if Marinette really understood Adrien, Emilie, and Gabriel's relationship?

But why do that when we can make everything about Adrienette instead? Why bother to mention Emilie when Marinette is a much better point of conflict between Adrien and Gabriel? After all, if we did that, then Adrien would have a life outside of Marinette and that would be, well, sigh, let's get into it, shall we?

In Derision, we learn that Marinette apparently doesn't have some form of anxiety or ADHD or any of the other things that people have theorized over the years. No, vanilla-Marinette is a totally relaxed, go-with-the-flow non-planner who only started planning after Chloe, Sabrina, and Kim gave her PTSD. Does this insult her character and make no sense? Yes, but let's not get into that. Let's just accept the retcon and look at the fallout of Adrien knowing that his new girlfriend has massive trauma that's mainly focused on romance and controlling situations.

The very next episode is Intuition. In it we see Marinette calling Adrien to show off her ability to do things without planning (or, at least, with less planning) and it's clear from context that this is an exercise that they're doing:

Adrien: Well... (his phone rings) Fancy that! Marinette! I like spending time with Marinette. (picks up his phone) Marinette: (on-call) Guess what I'm calling for: nothing! Can you believe it? I'm calling you randomly, totally out of the blue, for no reason at all! Adrien: So you didn't write down everything you might need to say to me based on everything I might say to you? Marinette: Not at all! Well... I did. I really tried not to, you know, but it was too hard! Anyhow, I limited myself to fourteen possible conversations, including this one! Adrien: Congratulations! Marinette: (on-call) Thank you! Adrien: And did you prepare questions for science class? Marinette: (on-call) Not-a-one! Not even for the live video conference we're doing with Max's mom on the super awesome Tsurugi space jet! I, Marinette, will improvise questions, unpredictably, without planning anything!

In the context of the show, this conversation is deeply concerning and I don't know wtf the writers think they're doing. There is no way in hell that a 14-year-old should be guiding his girlfriend through a therapy session or therapy exercise unless he has the guidance and approval of a trained mental health professional.

Seriously look at what Adrien is doing in this dialogue: Marinette tells him that she's called him without planning and he doesn't just say "that's great!" Instead, he asks if that's true, congratulates her for her mild improvement, and then prompts her to talk about another situation where she would plan things out. In other words, he's asking about the therapy homework that he's clearly given her or that they've decided on together. It's also clear that this isn't their first discussion on the topic because he's very comfortable knowing what to ask about to see if she's done her homework right.

Why was this homework chosen? Who knows! It certainly wasn't picked by someone with training! A therapist wouldn't tell you to avoid planning for a school assignment (something that we've never seen Marinette overplan before, but once again, we're ignoring the retcon). This scene would arguably be inappropriate for an established adult relationship, but a nascent teenage one? Absolutely not.

My SO and I have both done therapy and seen wildly unbalanced relationships. This conversation threw massive red flags for us on both fronts. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. This is not a give and take. This is why you need a therapist to at least guide you through this type of situation or you will set yourself up in roles where person A is not getting their needs met because the relationship has an established dynamic where person A is the giver and person B is the taker.

This is especially true for a young relationship that's just getting its feet off of the ground. They're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase! More established relationships are better able to handle phases where one person needs more support than the other which absolutely happens and is totally normal. However, when those things happen, it's vital for the supporting partner to have their own support since they can't get it from their partner.

Miraculous denies Adrien this suport. In the very next episode, we get this:

Adrien: I've always seen Marinette acting funny in my presence. I thought that was just the way she was. I thought it was sweet. I thought it was just her charm. But now that I know it's because she loves me and she freaks out about telling me, I feel bad. Because it means that this whole time she's been uncomfortable around me, and I haven't done anything to help her. Kagami: But you didn't know. Adrien: It doesn't take away from her suffering. I just wish she could feel more at ease when she's with me. Otherwise, one day, it'll be too late and she'll give up. Kagami: What can I do to help, Adrien? Adrien: Thanks, but it's not up to you or anyone else to help. I'm the one who's gotta do something.

No! Adrien, you are not equipped to deal with this solo. Ask Kagami to help! Ask Alya to help! Ask Marinette's parents to help! There are times when it's okay to involve others in your relationship and this is one of those times! This isn't even a relationship issue! It's a mental health issue! I know we're flipping gender roles here, but it's not somehow cute or healthy just because a guy is trying to "fix" the girl for once. No one should try to take on that task. This is what therapy is for.

If therapy is not an option for financial or other reasons, then yes, sometimes you have to struggle through and loved ones can help, but in TV land? Especially aimed-at-kids TV land? Show the ideal scenario! At the very least, show a support network! And I mean actual support, not Kagami asking to help and Adrien shooting her down! Writers, you are making Gabriel's dislike of Marinette valid! You are making it so that she is dragging Adrien down! Stop doing that!

Adrien deserves love and support, too. Adrien deserves to be romanced. Adrien deserves more than a kiss and an "I love you" that he had to fight to hear! He never even gets one of the presents from Marinette's chest. She did more to woo him before they got together and it's such pathetic writing.

The fun of getting these two together is letting them do all the stuff they've always wanted to do! Let Marinette bring him macrons! Let him bring her roses! Let her enhance his wardrobe! Let him write her poems! Let them be a healthy, balanced, sickeningly-cute couple! It's fine if she's nervous at the start and takes a while to act normal, but this show takes it to a level beyond teenage jitters and it's not funny or cute. It's concerning.

All of these issues start with Derision's romance-based-PTSD retcon and it was the worst thing they could have done for the Love Square. It poisons the rest of the season and is why I just can't ship these two in canon even though I love what they could have been. They have established such a horrifically unhealthy dynamic that I can't see this ending well unless they get couple's therapy in the very near future and that's not even touching on the baggage that will come from the lies and still unresolved Ladynoir trauma.

As soon as Marinette has romance-based PTSD, she was incapable of being in a relationship until after she'd learned to manage her PTSD. (PTSD cannot be cured, btw, you just learn how to manage it and the symptoms can lessen.) The writers apparently knew that. It's why they gave her a therapist to support her as she worked through her issues and got to the point where she can say "I love you". His name is Adrien. Isn't he cute?

#ml writing salt #ml writing critical #ml season 5 salt #adrien deserves better #suffering through a rewatch of season 5 for love of my so #ml intuition #ml derision #ml perfection #marinette deserves better #I just wanted a cute romance not whatever the writers think they're doing

151 notes · View notes

bubblegum-bros-sys · 5 months ago

Text

I ended up blocking this person (and turning off reblogs on the original post cause it was annoying me and I don’t like the idea of having our face everywhere) cause while they seem to be pro-endo, they act like the DSM is the Bible and think CDDs are purely traumagenic, which isn’t true. You can be diagnosed with a CDD/be disordered and not be traumagenic. Trauma is not a requirement for CDDs, and CDDs are not trauma disorders. Claiming that is not misinformation. There are multiple professionals who have said this. CDDs don’t require trauma and plurality doesn’t require CDDs. Whether or not you have a CDD is based on how your system functions, not your origin.

Anyways they reblogged a TikTok where I basically said that in simplified terms (because systok is stupid) and they felt the need to tell me I’m wrong. Here’s what they said and my response

Now I’m not saying I can’t be wrong about this, because again, like I said, my whole main point is that the ToSD is just that, a THEORY, it cannot be solidly proven in an ethical or concrete way, therefore it’s just as possible CDDs DO only stem from trauma.

But at the end of the day, GENUINELY, how is it harmful to say that they don’t?

Because in that case, all that would mean is that most CDD systems would ALSO have C-PTSD, which they can still get treatment for, and they can still acknowledge influences their plurality the same way any other co-existing disorders and neurodivergences would. Then it ALSO doesn’t invalidate non-traumagenic systems who have CDDs.

Trying to say that I’m going against science or spreading misinformation or am “part of the problem” when LITERALLY my whole stance is “yes, CDDs are formed by trauma, no one is denying that, I’m just saying we cannot prove they are ONLY formed by trauma, and even if they are, other forms of plurality exist regardless.” Is stupid and is just adding MORE discourse and fighting where it is unnecessary.

Also, our system is a part of the pluralpunk movement. We aren’t huge fans of the medical system in general anyways. We don’t see the DSM or any kind of diagnosis for that matter as an authority over the human experience. Many professionals are still extremely misinformed and undereducated about many things, especially plurality. Which isn’t entirely on professionals, many things are under researched in general, but regardless. How many disorders get classified, diagnosed, and treated is kind of shit. None of these labels matter in the grand scheme of things anyways. But while these sorts of things are in place, disordered endogenic systems exist and are valid, and CDDs are NOT inherently trauma disorders.

#plural #pluralgang #plurality #pluralpunk #sysblr #multiplicity #anti sysmed #anti transmed #endo friendly #endo safe

41 notes · View notes

buckyssoldat · 2 months ago

Text

Chapter 61: Flicker of hope

Warnings: mentions of death, grief and loss, emotional distress, mature themes, strong language, anxiety, trauma, ptsd, mental health struggles

A/N: This is part of my series, Forsaken - The Fallen Soldier. If you wanna be tagged in this, just send me an ask or a message. Feedback is always appreciated, don’t be shy to share your thoughts on this :)

I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon

But I need you to know

That I care and I miss you

Almost a month had passed since Alice went to Tony’s house to have dinner with his family. She had been spending her days in her apartment, mostly reading or painting, a new hobby that she had recently picked up. Visiting Natasha was also that was part of her routine – either to have a cup of coffee and talk about what was happening around the world, or to drink endless bottles of wine and gossip about their past.

One sunny afternoon, Alice was lounging on her couch, absently reading a new book, when a familiar name flashed across her screen: Steve. Even though they remained friends after their tumultuous relationship, they had eventually grown apart a little bit. Intrigued, she quickly answered.

“Alice, hey, can you come to the Compound? It’s urgent,” Steve said, his voice steady but tinged with an unmistakable urgency that piqued her interest.

“Is everything okay?” Alice asked, her heart racing as she leaned forward, the sunlight streaming through her window unnoticed.

“It’s… Scott Lang. He’s back. He has something important. You need to hear it.”

The mention of Scott, Ant-Man, stirred a sense of anticipation within Alice. She had thought he was lost to them, one of the many who had been snapped away by Thanos. The idea that he had returned was electrifying. Scott had always been a beacon of hope and humour, and if he had found a way back, it could mean something monumental. “I’ll be there in ten,” she replied, grabbing her jacket and rushing out the door, her heart racing with a mixture of excitement and apprehension.

Upon arriving at the Compound, Alice made her way directly to the briefing room, her heart pounding with anticipation. The air inside was charged with an energy that suggested something huge was about to unfold. As she entered, she found Steve, Natasha, and Scott already present, their expression serious and focused. Scott was eating a peanut butter sandwich as if he hadn’t eaten something in years.

“Hey, Alice,” Steve said, his voice steady, but Alice could see the tension in his posture. Natasha stood beside him, arms crossed, her eyes sharp and analysing.

Before Alice could speak, Scott put down his sandwich and started explaining to her about the Quantum Realm and the possibility of time travel. As Scott laid out his theory, Alice listened intently, the possibilities swirling in her mind. They discussed various time travel mechanics and the potential risks involved. Could this actually work?

Alice’s heart raced at the thought. Time travel had always been a far-fetched concept, a theme reserved for comic books and science fiction films. But here it was, standing before her like a beacon of hope. If the could time travel, there was a chance to bring Bucky back, to bring everyone back. She locked eyes with Steve, who mirrored her excitement, his brows furrowed in concentration.

As the meeting continued, Scott emphasized the need for precision and teamwork. “We’d need to coordinate perfectly,” he explained, sketching out a timeline on a whiteboard. “In and out, no lingering. We can’t mess with the past too much.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow. “And what’s to stop us from running into ourselves or accidentally altering major events?”

“That’s where we’ll have to be smart about it,” Scott replied. “We’ll have to ensure we’re in and out before anything drastic happens. But I can’t do this alone. I need an expert. So who do we talk about this?”

Alice looked around the room, weighing their options. “We should talk to Tony. If anyone can help us figure this out, it’s him.”

Since it was too late to go to Tony’s, the four of them decided to spend the night in the Compound and go first thing in the morning. They spread out into the common area, where Scott began explaining his theories in more detail. But as the conversation continued, Alice found herself unable to focus entirely. The excitement of the meeting was overshadowed by a mixture of anxiety and hope for what was to come.

After a while, Alice excused herself, feeling the need for some fresh air and solitude to process everything. Steve wanted to go after her, but Natasha stopped him. Alice made her way to the roof, a favourite spot of hers. The night sky was a tapestry of stars, and a gentle breeze rustled through her hair as she stepped outside.

Not long after, she heard footsteps behind her. Turning, she saw Natasha emerging onto the roof, a couple of beers in hand. She approached Alice with a knowing smile, her eyes glinting in the moonlight.

“Thought you could use one of these,” Natasha said, handing Alice a beer and popping the top of her own.

“Thanks,” Alice replied, accepting the drink. They both leaned against the ledge, taking a moment to soak in the peaceful night.

They stood in comfortable silence for a moment, gazing at the stars above. Then Natasha broke the quiet, her voice soft yet steady. “It’s a lot to take in, huh?”

“Yeah,” Alice replied, taking a sip of her beer. “I never thought I’d see Scott again.”

Natasha nodded, her expression thoughtful. “It’s strange. It feels like a part of me wants to hope, but another part is terrified of what might mean. What if it doesn’t work? What if we mess up?”

Alice turned to look at Natasha, sensing the weight behind her words. “I get that. But what if it does work? What if we can change things? I mean, we have a chance to bring everyone back. I could get Bucky back, Nat. And you can get Yelena back. I know how much she meant to you.”

Natasha took a deep breath, leaning her elbows on the ledge. “I miss her, you know? I miss all of them. It’s like there’s this void that just… never goes away. But I also know how dangerous messing with time can be. If we aren’t careful, we could end up causing more harm than good.”

“I’ve thought about that,” Alice admitted, gazing at the stars. “But I can’t shake the feeling that this might be our only shot. If we have a plan and if we’re smart about it, maybe we can do this.”

Natasha turned to her, her expression softening. “You really love him, don’t you?”

Alice hesitated, feeling her cheeks flush slightly. “Bucky… he means so much to me, I don’t even know how to describe it. If there’s a chance to get him back, I want to take it. For him, for all of us.”

Natasha nodded, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of her lips. “You know, I admire that about you. You have this fire, this determination. It’s what makes you who you are.”

“Thanks, Nat,” Alice said, feeling a warmth spread through her. “But it’s not just me. We all want this. We’re a team, and we need to support each other. I just hope Tony comes around. He’s the genius we need to make this happen.”

“Yeah, Tony can be stubborn,” Natasha replied, rolling her eyes playfully. “But he also cares about us. I think once he sees the potential in Scott’s plan, he’ll jump on board.”

“Let’s hope so,” Alice said, taking another sip of her beer.

As they stood on the rooftop, the cool breeze swirled around them, carrying with it a sense of friendship and understanding. In that moment, Alice felt a profound connection with Natasha. They were not just friends but best friends, bound by shared pain and the hope of a better tomorrow.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Natasha spoke again, her voice a little more serious. “You know, if this works, it’ll change everything. We’ll be diving into the unknown, and we can’t predict what will happen. Are you ready for that?”

“I think I am,” Alice replied honestly. “I’m scared, of course. But I’d rather take the risk than live in a world where I didn’t try. I owe it to Bucky and to everyone else we lost.”

Natasha studied her for a moment, then nodded. “Just remember, whatever happens, you’re not alone in this. We’re all in it together.”

Alice smiled, feeling a swell of gratitude. “I know. Thank you, Natasha. I really appreciate you being here.”

Natasha clinked her beer against Alice’s, a silent toast to their friendship and the journey ahead. “To hope,” she said softly.

“Yeah, to hope,” Alice echoed, raising her drink higher. As they took a sip, the weight of the world outside faded, leaving behind the flickering light of possibility.

As the night wore on, they shared stories and laughter, momentarily forgetting the heaviness of their reality. They discussed everything from their favourite movies to the ridiculous antics of past missions. Laughter echoed across the rooftop, intertwining with the stars above, a reminder of the strength that friendship could provide even in the darkest times.

Eventually, they made their way back inside, the warmth of friendship lingering as they rejoined Steve and Scott in the common area. Scott was animatedly discussing potential timelines with Steve, who listened intently, a look of determination etched on his face.

“Hey, what did we miss?” Natasha asked, her tone casual, though Alice could sense a newfound confidence in her voice.

“Just mapping out potential timelines,” Steve replied, gesturing to the whiteboard where Scott had scribbled various dates and events.

Alice exchanged a glance with Natasha, both silently reaffirming their commitment to this mission. They were in this together, ready to face whatever lay ahead.

The following morning, Alice, Natasha, Steve, and Scott piled into a car and drove to Tony’s lakeside cabin, where Alice had once found solace in the simplicity of his new life. But this time, the weight of the world was on their shoulders.

As they approached the cabin, Alice felt a sense of anticipation mixed with anxiety. Tony had been out of the game for a while now, and she wasn’t sure how he would react to the idea of time travel. But Scott’s theory was their only shot, and if anyone could figure out the complexities of it, it was Tony Stark.

As Tony strolled by the lake with his daughter, the peaceful silence between them was suddenly interrupted by the distant rumble of a car engine. Tony squinted towards the sound, spotting a black Audi pulling to a stop a few meters away. He groaned inwardly, recognizing the passengers. Steve, Natasha, Scott, and Alice stepped out, looking tense but determined.

Tony let out a heavy sigh. “Great,” he muttered. “Just what I needed – and impromptu Avengers reunion.”

Alice gave him a sympathetic smile. “Did you really think we’d let you live your quiet little life forever?”

Before Tony could respond, the rest of the group approached, and it didn’t take long for Scott to dive into the heart of the matter, his voice filled with excitement. He explained his plan in rapid bursts, his enthusiasm contagious despite the gravity of the situation.

“Now, we know what it sounds like…” Scott added.

“Tony, after everything you’ve seen, is anything really impossible?” Steve asked, his voice calm yet pressing.

Tony, trying to hold back his sarcasm, crossed his arms and shot Steve a look before launching into an explanation that left most of them blinking in confusion.

“Quantum fluctuation messes with the Planck Scale, which then triggers the Deutsch Proposition. Can we agree on that?”

The blank expressions on Alice, Steve, Nat, and Scott’s faces spoke volumes.

Steve accepted a drink from Tony. “Thank you.”

“In layman’s terms, it means you’re not coming home,” Tony added flatly.

“I did,” Scott retorted quickly.

“No, you accidentally survived. It’s a billion-to-one cosmic fluke. And now you wanna pull off a… what do you call it?”

“A time heist?” Alice chimed in, trying to sound proud.

“Yeah, a time heist. Of course, why didn’t we think of this before? Oh, because it’s laughable? Because it’s a pipedream?” Tony’s sarcasm was evident.

“The Stones are in the past. We can go back and get them,” Scott pressed on.

“We can snap our own fingers. We can bring everyone back,” Natasha added, her voice steady, but there was a hint of desperation.

Alice’s heart skipped a beat at Natasha’s words, the possibility of getting Bucky back looking more promising. But Tony’s gaze darkened at the mention of the snap.

“Or screw it up worse than he already has, right?”

“I don’t believe we would,” Steve countered.

Alice could sense the tension building. She finally spoke up, her tone softer than the others. “Tony, I get it. You have a family now. But so do we, in a way. We’ve all lost people we care about. We’ve already paid the price – shouldn’t we at least try to make it right?”

Tony glanced at her, his expression softening for just a moment before he turned back to the group, his voice firm.

“Gotta say, sometimes I miss that giddy optimism. However, high hopes won’t help if there’s no logical, tangible way for me to safely execute said time heist. I believe the most likely outcome would be our collective demise.”

“Not if we strictly follow the rules of time travel. That means no talking to our past selves, no betting on sporting event-” Scott began.

Tony held up his hand to stop him. “I’m gonna stop you right there, Scott. Are you seriously telling me that your plan to save the universe is based on ‘Back to the Future’?”

“No,” Scott mumbled, clearly embarrassed.

“Good. You had me worried there. ‘Cause that’d be horse shit. That’s not how quantum physics works.”

Alice exchanged a quick glance with Natasha, knowing Scott had just made his already shaky pitch a little worse. But Natasha wasn’t one to give up easily.

“We did stand. And yet, here we are,” Tony responded, the bitterness evident.

“Tony… we have to take a stand,” Natasha said, her voice firmer now.

“I know you got a lot on the line. You’ve got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lot of people did,” Scott’s voice raised as he tried to make his point. “And now, we have a chance to bring her back. To bring everyone back. And you’re telling me that you won’t even-”

“That’s right, Scott, I won’t even. I’ve got a kid.” Tony’s voice softened as Morgan ran out of the house, her small feet pattering across the ground.

“Mommy told me to come and save you,” she said proudly as she ran into her dad’s arms.

Tony smiled, lifting her up effortlessly. “Good job. I’m saved.” He turned to face Steve, Natasha, Alice, and Scott. “I wish you’d come here to ask me something else. Anything else. Honestly, I… I missed you guys, it was… Oh, and table’s set for six.”

As Tony set Morgan down, the little girl turned towards Alice, her face lighting up with a big smile. Without hesitation, she rushed over to Alice, wrapping her tiny arms around her legs in a hug. Alice’s heart melted instantly, and she bend down to give Morgan a proper hug, smiling warmly.

“Hey, kiddo,” Alice whispered softly, brushing Morgan’s hair back gently.

Morgan giggled and beamed at Alice before running back to Tony’s side.

There was a moment of quiet, the weight of the situation pressing down on everyone. Steve, ever the leader, broke the silence.

“Tony, I get it. And I’m happy, for you, I really am. But this is a second chance.”

Tony glanced at Morgan, holding her close. “I got my second change right here, Cap. I can’t roll the dice again. If you don’t talk shop, you can stay for lunch.”

Defeated, Steve, Natasha, and Scott walked back to the car, but Alcie stayed with Tony. He let out a long breath, his gaze shifting to Alice, who stood quietly, her expression troubled but unwavering.

Morgan had already run back into the house, leaving the two of them alone by the lakeside, the sun casting a warm golden hue over everything. For a moment, neither of them said anything. The soft lapping of the lake’s water against the shore was the only sound between them.

Tony glanced over at Alice, expecting her to say something light or teasing to ease the tension, but instead, her eyes were misty, her lips trembling as if she was holding back something deep.

“Tony,” she began, her voice barely above a whisper, “you know me. I’m not one to beg.”

Tony’s brows furrowed, sensing the shift in her tone. He stood straighter, turning to face her fully. Alice took a deep breath, steadying herself.

“Please reconsider Scott’s idea,” she said, her voice shaking slightly. “This… this might be the only chance I have. The only chance any of us have to make things right. I need this. I need… I need him back.”

Tony blinked, the sincerity and desperation in her voice hitting him harder than he expected. He knew she wasn’t talking about some abstract “greater good”. This was personal.

“Barnes,” Tony said softly, piercing it together. Alice nodded, tears brimming in her eyes now.

“I lost him, Tony,” she continued, her voice thick with emotion. “And not just to the Snap. We were finally starting to heal, finally starting to build something. I know it wasn’t perfect, but it was real. And I don’t know how to live in a world where he’s just… gone. I tried to think I could, but I can’t…”

Tony stared at her, the familiar ache of grief creeping up his spine as he remembered all those he had lost too. He sighed, glancing down at the ground, his hands on his hips.

“Alice…” he started, but she interrupted him, her voice shaking.

“I deserve this, Tony. We deserve this. Bucky and I – we’ve both fought so hard. We’ve lost so much. I’ve spent years running from the idea that maybe I could have a happy ending. And now, the universe has taken him away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing except this.” She stepped closer to him, her eyes searching his for understanding. “You know what it’s like to have a second chance. You have it now with Pepper and Morgan. You have your family. I just… I want that too.”

Tony looked away, swallowing hard, torn between his fear of losing what he had and the pull of Alice’s words, the rawness in her plea.

“I don’t wanna lose him forever, Tony,” Alice whispered, her tears spilling over now. “If there’s even a small chance that I can get him back… I have to take it. Please. Please help us. Help me.”

There was a long silence. Tony clenched his jaw, his hands tightening into fists by his sides. He’d been where she was – desperate, willing to risk everything for the people he loved. But now… now he had a family, a life he couldn’t bear to lose. And yet, seeing Alice like this, broken and vulnerable, made it harder to hold onto his resolve.

“I’ve lost him too many times already,” she added, her voice barely audible. “I can’t do it again.”

Tony ran a hand through his hair, his heart pounding. He had to draw the line somewhere, had to protect what he had now. But Alice’s words lingered, echoing in his head, and he knew, deep down, that he was only standing there with his family because someone had once given him a chance.

He looked back at her, seeing the hope she was clinging to. Slowly, he let out a sigh, his voice quiet, almost defeated.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” he admitted. “But I’ll think about it.”

Alice’s breath hitched, a small sob escaping her. “That’s all I’m asking for. Just… think about it.”

Tony nodded, his gaze softening. “You’ve got my word.”

Alice wiped her tears, trying to hold herself together, but the weight of his words brought her some small comfort. She nodded back, her heart still aching, but a sliver of hope blooming inside her.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Tony didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes said enough. He wasn’t ready to make promises, but he understood what was at stake now – not just for the world, but for the people he cared about. For Alice. For her chance at a happy ending.

Alice began walking back towards the car, leaving Tony standing by the house. She opened the door and sat on the backseat.

“He’s scared,” Natasha finally broke the silence.

“He’s not wrong,” Steve added, but his brow was furrowed.

Alice nodded, her mind racing. “He’s not wrong, but… I don’t think we have the luxury of playing it safe anymore.”

“Yeah, but I mean, what are we gonna do? We need him,” Scott said, frustration building in his voice. “What, are we gonna stop?”

“No, I wanna do it right,” Steve replied. “We’re gonna need a really big brain.”

Scott pointed back at Tony’s house, incredulous. “Bigger than his?”

Alice caught Steve’s gaze, her eyes determined. “There’s one more person I can think of.”

The next day, Alice found herself seated at a table in a cozy little diner. Across from her sat Scott Lang, still wide-eyed and blinking as if he was trying to process everything that had been happening. Natasha sat beside Alice, arms crossed as she watched Bruce Banner, or rather “Professor Hulk’, who was enthusiastically digging into his breakfast. Steve stood nearby, arms cross in his usual stoic stance. Alice couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the sight of Bruce – he was bigger, greener, and surprisingly… wearing a shirt.

Bruce pushed a plate of scrambled eggs toward the middle of the table. “Come on, I feel like I’m the only one eating here,” he said, his voice calm but still holding that deep resonance. “Try some. Eggs are good.”

Scott looked at him, bewildered. “I’m so confused.”

Bruce smiled a little too earnestly. “There are confusing times.”

“Right,” Scott agreed, then waved his hands in frustration. “No, no. That’s not what I mean!”

Bruce leaned back, his face falling into a more relaxed expression. “I know, I’m kidding. But yeah, it’s crazy, right? I’m wearing shirts now.”

Alice, sitting nearby, arched an eyebrow and leaned over to Steve. “Shirts? That’s the big revelation? I’ve been wearing them for years, and no one claps for me.”

Steve smirked but stayed focused on Bruce as Scott stammered again. “Yeah! How? Why?”

Bruce’s face darkened for a moment as the weight of his words became evident. “Five years ago, we got our asses handed to us. Except it was worse for me. Because I lost twice. First, Hulk lost, then Banner lost… and then we all lost.”

Natasha, always the level-headed one, spoke softly. “No one blamed you, Bruce.”

Bruce shook his head, his tone heavier. “I did. For years, I treated the Hulk like he was a disease, something to be cured. But then I realized… he wasn’t the problem. Maybe he was the solution. I spent eighteen months in a gamma lab, and I figured it out. Now… well, best of both worlds.”

Just then, a small group of kids approached Bruce, their eyes wide with awe. One girl, no older than ten, hesitantly tapped him on the arm. “Excuse me, Mr. Hulk?”

Bruce immediately brightened up, flashing a grin. “Yes, little person?”

“Can we get a photo with you?”

Bruce chuckled warmly. “One hundred percent, little one. Step up.” He handed his phone to Scott. “You mind?”

Scott awkwardly took the phone. “Sure, sure. I’m Ant-Man, by the way…”

Alice couldn’t resist. “Yep. The guy who shrinks. You should add that to your resume, Scott.”

Scott flashed her a look. “Thanks, Alice.”

As Bruce posed with the kids, Scott snapped the picture and handed the phone back, clearly a little bothered. “Don’t you wanna grab one with me? You know, Ant-Man?”

The boy shook his head. “Stranger danger,” he whispered, looking Scott up and down.

Alice stifled a laugh. “Ouch, buddy.”

Scott sighed. “No one knows Ant-Man…”

Bruce, trying to smooth things over, gestured to the boy. “No, come on. You wanna take a picture with him, right?”

The boy shook his head again, more forcefully this time. “No, I’m good.”

Scott shrugged. “He doesn’t want it. I get it.”

Bruce chuckled awkwardly. “Sorry, man. What about you, Onyx? You’re an Avenger, too. No kids asking for selfies?”

Alice smirked, but her tone was laced with sincerity. “Oh, I get my fair share. Let’s just say being one of the originals has its perks.” She leaned forward, her humour fading slightly. “But right now, this isn’t about fame or photos. It’s about getting everyone back.”

After the kids left, Bruce shifted in his seat as Steve spoke up. “Bruce. About what we were discussing…”

Bruce turned back, his demeanour changing again, realizing the seriousness of the situation. “Oh, right. The whole time-travel do-over thing? I gotta be honest, guys, that’s not really my area of expertise.”

Natasha glanced at Alice, giving her a knowing look. They all knew who had the most at stake here.

Alice leaned forward, her humorous tone long gone. “Look, Bruce, I know this isn’t simple. But you made the impossible happen once already.” She gestured to him. “No one thought you could balance Hulk and Banner, but here you are, in a shirt, telling us it’s possible. You can make this work, I know it.”

Bruce hesitated, glancing around the table. He could feel the weight of their expectations, especially Alice’s. “I get it. I do. And I’ll try to help. But time travel? That’s… outside my realm of miracles.”

Steve spoke up again, this time more firmly. “But we need this. We need you.”

Alice clenched her fists under the table, hiding the growing tension in her voice. “Bruce, I don’t care how hard it is. I need Bucky back. We all need them back. Whatever it takes.”

Bruce looked at her, truly seeing the desperation in her eyes. He nodded, understanding more than he let on. “Okay. I’ll do my best. Let’s get to work.”

tags: @capswife

← previous chapter next chapter →

masterlist

9 notes · View notes

cambriancrew · 1 year ago

Text

@mandellaeffect

So. It's been several days since this, but we still want to reply. We wrote out a long thing, Tumblr ate it, we rewrote it by hand, and we're just now getting around to typing it up.

And fair warning. We can't talk in depth about this interview and why we said what we said without also talking about the abuse we experienced from our ex. We'll keep it general and nonspecific as much as possible, but please just know, it was REALLY bad. Much worse than what we talk about here. Like we still have PTSD from it bad.

Also it may help to read the AMA we did on Reddit after this interview came out.

So. Our ex believed we either had DID or were demon possessed, and had very ableist views about DID that he used to threaten us with - believed we were dangerous to be around, for instance - and threatened us with involuntarily commitment. He also tried to prevent us from seeing any therapist or mental health care provider other than the extremely bigoted, very out of date pastor/counselor of the church we went to and that our husband worked at.

We worried that he was right, that we might fit the criteria for OSDD-1 because of our failing relationship with him.

But, in all honesty, our relationship had been falling apart for awhile, because he was abusive - obsessed with being the perfect fundamentalist Christian couple, bigotry and all. He tried to make us Crew stop being friends with people who weren't Christians, and people who were queer. He tried to dictate what books we could read - no more science fiction and fantasy even though that's the genre we write and even wrote together with him, or psychiatry books even though we worked in a geri-psych nursing home and what we read was relevant. Tried to dictate what we watched on TV and what games we could play - even though he was a huge Star Wars fan and that has huge Buddhist underpinnings, and played Dungeons and Dragons online a lot which he made us swear never to tell anyone because they might think it was demonic - hypocrite much?

He even got upset that we were talking to people about the issues we were having - he called it "emotionally cheating", regardless of the fact we talked with people we had zero romantic interest in - like our own mother.

Anyway. We DID get a different therapist. And something he said helped a LOT with our concerns about having DID. He said our issues with our husband stemmed from his controlling behavior and emotional and verbal abuse, not our plurality - because after all, there's no mental illness called "supports queer people" nor "prefers to read speculative fiction and books on psychiatry" nor "confides in trusted friends about difficulties".

That said. Our therapist and his overseeing psychiatrist did talk with us about what our husband was pressuring us to do: try to get rid of all of the non-Willows. We had a lot of long, tense discussions about this with our system, and knew exactly what would happen if we tried.

We Willows would have been locked away from the front. Jas, Varyn, and Aery would have taken over as primary fronters, and we knew they'd have no problem with that based on our experiences with playing tug of war for front with them. Without us Willows, we may have developed memory issues, especially if we Willows fought back or resisted. This also would have caused us significant stress which would have triggered our fibromyalgia, and may easily have gotten to the point we would have to stop working because we physically couldn't handle it. And undoubtedly it would have caused us social issues as well, because those three can't mimic us Willows well at all, and prefer to be overt anyway, and probably would have used that to put extra pressure on our husband John: "Sorry, you can't talk to Willow right now. I can take a message to her. When we she be back? Idk, whenever John stops being an ass."

This, per our therapist and psychiatrist, would have been enough for a dx of DID or at bare minimum OSDD-1 - and then our ex would have had a much easier time getting us involuntarily committed. (As he did actually try. Got the state involved and there was a court case and everything.)

Because being endogenic and having tulpas is not what defines whether you have DID/OSDD-1 or not - it's whether there's distress or dysfunction. Doesn't have to be constant, doesn't have to be severe, just has to be present enough to make it harder to function.

Also, we've been in therapy from that time till now, for our depression and PTSD. Those cause us distress and dysfunction. Being plural doesn't - it eases our distress and increases our ability to function. We get worse when we Willows try to do everything on our own.

Also? Tulpas absolutely ARE endogenic - they aren't caused by trauma, and that's all endogenic means.

And. We were not told by Reddit that our headmates are tulpas. When we stumbled on the community, we recognized that what we had done in creating our headmates unintentionally was the same things people in the community were doing on purpose.

We remember sitting down and coming up with the idea of Jas. We remember learning to hear her, in vague images and ideas at first, then longer and longer full conversations. We remember the thrill of first hearing her interrupt our thoughts. We used to have several notebooks and binders full of written down conversations between us, with us Willows doing all the writing for the most part but on occasion Jas would take over just enough to write her own notes - in her own handwriting, different from us Willows' handwriting. We remember meditating to improve our ability to hear her. We remember visiting her in the paracosm, and her visiting us at our writing desk and on the school bus and sitting next to us at church. We remember her creating Varyn. We remember creating Morrie, and when he went dormant. We remember making Tristan&, and when she broke off communication with us - they'll still only talk to Jas.

Point is, we know their origins, all of them. We were there.

There's no "they were there all along." There's no "we don't know where they came from so we just assume they're endogenic." They certainly don't have roles or even the natural abilities of alters - we had to learn to talk with them, we had to learn how to let them front, we had to learn how to switch.

Some of them identify as soulbonds due e to their connection to their home worlds, but "tulpa" still fits too. Even though some of them cringe at the word, as it's uncomfortably close to a term in the paracosm's primary language for something truly heinous.

Point is, Reddit didn't try and convince us of anything. We came to that conclusion all on our own - and not just us Willows, but the whole system.

And per our mental health care team, we don't fit the criteria for a dissociative disorder. We don't even have issues with general dissociation - we score a 10 on the DES-2, and only that much because of questions directly related to plurality, like hearing voices commenting on your actions. (The eternal peanut gallery lol)

Anyway. Back to Dr. Richard Loewenstein - he was told about our origins. He didn't say that our origins were the reason we did or did not have a dissociative disorder. He said it's about distress.

And now that we've long since kicked our abusive ex to the curb (along with the church that turned on us), we don't have even interpersonal issues like we had with him and them. The people we're close to understand and support us. Our health care team supports us, and even encourages us Willows to lean on the rest of our system as that's what's healthiest for us all.

We don't have a mild case of a dissociative disorder. We're not secretly traumagenic.

We're ready and able to even fight for things our ex threatened us with, including our ability to be out at work, our ability to go through the foster-to-adopt program in our state (and our mental health care team is willing to sign off on our ability to do that), and our ability to be free from the threat of involuntary commitment to an institution.

If our ex, the pastor-counselor, several of our ex friends, state medical officials, and more couldn't find enough proof to diagnose us with DID or get us committed, (versus our therapist and the overseeing psychiatrist and our parents), then there's nothing anything y'all can say that will prove what they could not.

#syscourse #@mandellaeffect

41 notes · View notes

mariacallous · 1 year ago

Text

This, of course, can have a significant effect on your mental health. You start to feel overwhelmed. Not only are you dealing with the regular stresses of daily life—your job, your finances, your personal relationships—but now you’re thinking about the most serious problems the world is facing. Social media algorithms tend to elevate the most contentious content, so these feeds are showing you things that will elicit a visceral response—they’re putting the doom in doomscrolling.

According to psychology experts, this has become a serious problem. People are ingesting too much negative news, and it’s not only affecting them personally but impacting society at large. People can handle some bad news, but what if it’s a lot of bad news? And what if a lot of people are doing this while trying to function in the world together?

Matthew Price, a professor of psychological science at the University of Vermont, says that stress is cumulative. One thing starts stressing you out, and then it’s another thing, and then one more thing. Suddenly, you’re spiraling. He says the stress can continue throughout your day even when you’ve stopped bingeing on bad news on social media.

“Some of the work that we have done has shown it definitely increases your stress in the moment. It could increase your stress throughout the rest of your day,” Price says. “When you doomscroll, it gets much easier to reach your limit than I think you would if you weren’t doing that.”

Price says ingesting a lot of negative news can cause anxiety and depression, at least for some period of time, but it’s especially likely to “exacerbate” anxiety, depression, and PTSD in people who have a history of experiencing those conditions. He says that people often doomscroll because there’s something bad going on and they want to find a way to fix the problem they’re reading about.

“When we’re doomscrolling, we’re kind of looking for the resolution to the issue. Read some more posts. Read some more articles. If I get more information, then maybe I’ll understand the problem,” Price says, describing the doomscrolling cycle.

This doesn’t just affect individuals. When a lot of people are experiencing the stress of the news of the world at once, it can make them more likely to “snap at each other,” Price says. We may not realize it, but the reason that guy was rude to you at Starbucks might be that he has read too many damn scary news articles.

“When you have multiple people who are struggling, they’re going to have a harder time communicating together,” says Bethany Teachman, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. “We have to think of these things from a systemic perspective or we’re not going to be very effective at making change.”

Teachman says doomscrolling can “skew our sense of what’s going on.” You start to think everything and everyone is the worst, but it’s quite possible little of it is actually affecting you personally. Perhaps terrible news from around the world would not be changing your daily life unless you were reading about it, and it’s important to recognize when it’s time to log off.

“We do need to stay informed, but when we move past informed to feeling overwhelmed and often paralyzed and feeling like we’re under constant threat, it’s clearly crossed over into a negative place,” Teachman says. “I think part of what’s happening is most of the news stories tend to be negative, so it gives us this sense that we’re in a constant state of danger and that we are vulnerable and the world is a very dangerous place.”

In terms of solutions, Teachman says people need to limit their exposure to social media and the news to keep their lives balanced. It’s OK to read some news to stay informed and check out what people are saying online, but it can get unhealthy if you overdo it. Once you’ve read enough to know what’s going on, think of other things that you enjoy doing and that help you maintain your mental health, she says.

“It’s not about ‘this is a bad thing and this is a good thing.’ It’s about how you engage with it and how it fits in with the rest of what’s going on in your life,” Teachman says. “How are you living the rest of your life, and what are the impacts on that?”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the news, Teachman says it’s important to consider what your values are and how you can act on those values in your daily life. Think about who you want to be and what you want to accomplish. This can focus your mind when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

If you’re not feeling like you’re who you want to be right now, she says, think of small things you can do to get closer to becoming that person. Think about the things you can do to get closer to that goal so you’re more capable of handling stress and feeling mentally well, and about the things you can do to help solve the problems you’re worried about.

“Take a step back from your social media. Take a step back from your phone. Take a step back from the stressors unless the thing that’s stressful is imminently going to harm you,” Price says. “And get more local.”

Price says that acting locally on issues you’re concerned about can help you maintain your mental health because otherwise things can feel too far away and too difficult to solve. Maybe you can’t end a war, but perhaps you can help some people in your community or get your community to do something that helps a bigger problem.

People are overwhelmed. They’re tired. Sometimes you want to just curl up in a ball and pull your comforter over your head. Teachman says that’s the worst thing you can do for your mental health. It’s important to connect with people to maintain your mental health, she says, and sometimes you can connect with people and be part of the solution to a problem at the same time.

45 notes · View notes

xrk-art · 4 months ago

Text

From this post @rhyslahey

Tbh I think he could feel "guilty" of his past actions after the whole hell thing, the torture he's been in during this time by the hand of his (dead) sister, we see he's a changed person in s6, also cause he got the ptsd of hell/nightmares, no home/place to stay, no doctors that were taking care of everything such as having a house for him and his "fake parents" in s5. I've seen it sometimes in fanfic but that would make a bit of sense if he could start to feel any guilt cause we can also presume he killed much people before, including his sister and even perhaps his parents later on since the show never said what happened to them after the Tara "incident", we can just imagine that his body count is more than Tara, Josh and Stacy. And I always thought that his inability of having blue eyes for killers of innocent people had to do with him being a chimera, they were created by science and are not natural in the supernatural way speaking (which is kind of ironic) which could means that the supernatural rules don't include to them just like mountain ash and wolfspane don't affect them (wolfspane not being deadly for them as much as were-people) so the Yellow - Blue eyes could also not rule on them after all, it could also work with the guilt tho I doubt Peter (having blue eyes) would feel a lot of guilt of killing people and still has blue cold eyes (don't get me wrong, I love Peter too)

Anyway that was just blabbering me cause I have been meaning to talk about this for a while now and chimera has always fascinated me cause the Dread Doctors managed to create Corey, with the gift of invisibility, without any creatures having this (even a chameleon are not that precise, a jellyfish is more) and also with a higher healing processus, which leaves so much possibility of creatures created, if only they could make live chimeras as long as Theo without killing them 🫡

Also something I have not seen in fanfics (yet) is Theo chimera state getting worse after coming out of hell, remember the other chimeras not having survived very long after being "turned", ending up with mercury leaking out of their orifice, they all died (also by the hand of the Dread Doctors) until Theo brought some of them back with Mr Douglas stuff (Douglas being now gone), it would be interesting to see Theo having his state getting worse to the point of him having mercury also leaking out of his body, him panicking cause he believed to be a successful subject/chimera all along (he survived about 8 years or smth like that since he was 9 when he was "turned") and not able to do anything cause he can't inject himself what he injected to the others since mr Douglas was now gone and the serum too

Anyway that was all, I blabbered much more than I thought I would lmao

#teen wolf #teen wolf theo #theo raeken #teen wolf post #text post #blabbering #that would be cool tho right #or maybe i like to see my fav characters suffer idk #if there's a fanfic like that please share i'd love to read it #everything about theo is interesting to read anyway #also about teen wolf in general #my fav characters are Stiles Theo and Peter btw #i also love Corey and Liam cause they're such sweethearts #and Danny is such a slay too #love the gays

12 notes · View notes

samuelroukin · 7 months ago

Note

Okay fuck it, team Roach, the 006 to the 141's 007, is roughly:

Roach: Captain Sanderson. Very soft spoken, stuck with extreme baby face despite being a hardened combat vet, tremendously calm, rational and easy going even when being shot at. Very reasonable and inhuman levels of stealthy. Never raises his voice, which is often Worse. He's not really sure how he got here but he is unfortunately Very Good at This. Which is both leadership and Warfare. In his heart of hearts he just wants to be chilling on a pool floatie with a beer in hand but Alas.

His Second in Command: Handsome, Polite, Charming and Clinically Insane. As in they are 100% fudging this man's psych evals. He seems easy going and fun but this man is basically a monster, he is the type that signed up to kill people and not go to jail. Graves but Worse. He's only technically a Hero because Roach is holding his leash but. Seriously he seems fine until you're alone in an enclosed space with him and your lizard brain sends up a panic alarm akin to being trapped in an elevator with a lion. The more he talks the more you realize he... doesn't live in the real world. For Reasons Unknown Roach is pretty much the only one that does actually have a collar on him. He Gets Real Weird and Jealous over Ghost when they finally meet.

Tex: Your Killing Machine Has Anxiety. Possibly the world's best sniper and a true mathematical genius, who has next to no social skills, the legacy of a childhood stutter and growing up in a Very Rural Isolated area. Excellent at taking directions but it's hard to not pin a kick me sign on him despite him being, objectively, a very dangerous guy. A lot of people assume he's Like That because of warfare/soldiers get strange/ptsd etc. No he was always Weird, he is definitely Undiagnosed Neurodivergent, but so is his whole family. A Cheetah in search of a Dog in his Pen. Hypercompetent in the field, who let you out of your cage otherwise.

Doc: World's Bitterest Medic. Loves humanity as a concept and truly believes in medicine as a science dedicated to the betterment of life and wellbeing. Also Hates Every Single Human Being he has ever come across. Extreme Pissed of Mom Who Says Get Your Ass Down Here Now Or I Will Beat You to Death Myself energy. Means he generally keeps them in line socially as well as the Angry Mom Friend so Tex generally hides behind him. He grumbles but he secretly kind of loves it. Unfortunately, these Idiots are *his* idiots. You are Stupid and Embarassing and he Will Run Out Under Heavy Fire to Save You at the risk of his own life. Running in joke is "does the life threatening wound hurt enough to subject yourself to his bedside manner?" Absolutely terrible taste in music he subjects them all to.

There are at least one or two more guys in this train wreck but these are the mains. Unsurprisingly something this disfunction works out horribly well and they are incredibly effective. Tired Dad Energy Roach vs You Should Have Gone Before We Left Mom Medic plus Their Frail Victorian Son of a Sniper plus I Will Kill For You Please Ask Me To Kill For You and Give Me Attention 2IC means this shit is actually A OK by the brass.

lmao didn't you just say you put no thought into them? these guys are far more developed than my ocs, give yourself some credit! they all sound great and like i said i already love tex and doc but uh HI second in command 👀

#meduseld #asks

11 notes · View notes

its-murderous-business · 7 months ago

Text

At study abroad with the wildest possible people. I’ve only been here less than a week, here’s some shit I’ve overheard my classmates say

“When I was 16 I had a girlfriend who was 18, and we would smoke weed, but one time after we smoked up she told me she had actually put cocaine in my blunt. She would also put xanax in there without telling me, and I didn’t find out until later. Anyway I definitely would do Coke again knowing it was that before hand, it was interesting.”

[said by a guy I had met less than 2 minutes previous and still didn’t know the name of:] “I’m from New Jersey, there’s a lot of mafia there. My uncle was in the mob, he was an enforcer. That means he would break people’s legs if they didn’t do what the mob wanted. He’s out of the game now and has PTSD, hearing the sound of knuckles cracking sends him into a panic attack because it sounds the same as knees being broken”

“I keep forgetting there’s, like, a study part of the study abroad. I’m here to travel to other countries, go clubbing, and get high.”

“What percentage of your body do you think your legs make up?”

I overheard a conversation of like 4 people talking about how they bought and use human pheromone perfume they saw on tiktok… science doesn’t even know if human pheromones are real let alone have anyway to synthesize and mass market it… there’s no scientific proof that stuff works at all it’s just a marketing gimmick

They saw a bunch of people using old digital cameras on tiktok ~for the aesthetic~ and then all went out and bought old digital cameras to use. despite the fact they all have phones that take higher quality photos.

“I want to go to Amsterdam and see the Anne Frank House because they went there in The Fault in Our Stars!”

There are two different apartment buildings housing students and the people at the other building all agreed to not be friends with the people in my building.

#murderous babble #there’s only one chill person here and it’s the guy from my home school #study abroad

9 notes · View notes

cryingcoyote13 · 8 months ago

Text

Zolani Nash

Quaritch's daughter that escaped from the RDA

Melanistic skin with shaved white hair

White snake tattoo runs down left cheek and arm

Born on Pandora the year before the war, after her mother died and she got sick she was forced into the recoms where so became a punching bag and science experiment.———————————————————————— While out with the recoms, Zolani makes a run for freedom from her abusive father, and she meets one of the Sully's kids while running for her life.

Neteyam x Zolani (/ro)

Spider x Zolani (sibling/platonic)

TW: guns, violence, abuse, PTSD

————————————————————————Chapter 1

The recoms were talking about something as we walked throughout the forest. I don't even know why I was allowed to go with them, but it doesn't matter. Today is the day. The day i've been dreaming of ever since I set foot inside that god awful base camp, or whatever they call it. Quaritch was up front with two other guys, and Z-Dog was just in front of me. If I ran fast, I could try to make it as far away as possible. I stopped slowly, and then I ran into the forest of Pandora. I ran as fast as I could as I heard the recoms yell about something and come running after me. But I was faster, more agile without all that gear they had on. Running, jumping, and swinging through the forest, it was beautiful. It would have been nicer if i didn't have a bunch of reborn-marines hauling ass after me, but whatever. I ran like a madman, tearing through the fauna and throwing myself further ahead. I was almost free then, I crashed into something. I let out a hiss and quickly got up, looking back. It was a Na'Vi, I gulped, putting my hands up as they pulled out a knife.

" we need to run " I yelped, my accent sliding through my Na'Vi speech as I heard the recoms yelling getting closer.I didn't wait for a replay, I grabbed the boy's hand as he growled and I yanked him along.

" what are you even doing here!? "

" long story! But we should really just keep running! " I growled back, picking up speed as I jumped up into a tree and climbed. The boy just behind me, knife still drawn as we hunched down in the hidden branches of the tree.I hushed him as the recoms came into view, looking pissed.

" where the hell did she go!? "

" well this fucking sucks "

Their fighting was drowned out as I looked over, finally seeing who I had almost killed. He was staring back, golden piecing right through me.I motioned for him to follow as I climbed silently away from the recom group. We climbed for a while until the recoms could no longer be heard, then hoped onto the ground. Sweat beaded on my forehead, from stress and the heat.

" what was that about? " I looked over to meet those golden eyes again.

" needed to get out of there. " I explained dryly, not wanting to explain my sad little life to this stranger.

" my name is Zolani " I continued, turning to him with an 'i see you' signHe reciprocated the gesture, glancing up and down curiously as he sheathed his knife. My dark blue skin was beaded with sweat and cuts, my white hair was dirty and shaved down. My 'stripes' where not stripes, more resembling those spots like cheetahs on Earth.

" my name is Neteyam " He said calmly, tail flicking around. He reached for my hand, inspecting it as I tensed up.

" you are an Avatar? " He questioned. I nodded, as he stalked around me.

" I will take you back to my clan " He stated calmly as he returned infront of me, my tail lashed nervously behind me.

" What? Why? " I asked, wipping my hands down my face in exhaustion.

" Because, you have no where to go, correct? " He stated, nodding to where we came from.I nodded slowly, and he turned away.

" Try to keep up " He grinned, looking over his shoulder before running off.I sighed with a giggle and took off after him. After a few minutes of running side by side we stopped at a stream for water, I hunched over, taking water in my hands and gulping it down as Neteyam watched. Suddenly, there was yips and yells as two Na'Vi jumped out, bows raised. I hissed, jumping up and drawing my knife as Neteyam jumped up as well. Before Neteyam could say anything one released an arrow, there was a thunk as it hit into my shoulder. I gasped, letting go of my knife as I hit the ground. I let out a groan as I felt someone put pressure on the wound, my hearing was fuzzy as my ears twitched around. My eyes watered from pain as I felt something burning throughout my blood. I gasped, convulsing as my body went rigid as everything faded to black, there was two other blobs coming into my vision.

Everything was hot, heavy and painful. I groaned, sitting up as I felt someone trying to gently push me back down. I blinked my blurry vision as I hissed weakly, pushing against them with weak gasps of pain.

" You gotta stay down kid " I managed to hear as my hearing came back to me, I let out a weak, breathy 'no' as I started to pull myself up. I groaned as I slumped forward out of pain, as someone yelled something. It sounded like one of Quaritch's men, I hissed, struggling weakly at the grasps the shoved me back onto my back as my vision slowly came back to me. I blinked rapidly, realizing I wasn't in the lab, I started to stop resisting the hands pushing me gently onto my back.

" where... where am I..? "

" It doesn't matter, you are safe " someone said softly near my ear, it was Neteyam! I looked over quickly with a gasp, reaching my hand over to him. He awkwardly grabbed it, holding it as he hushed me.

" You were shot, by a poison arrow " He explained as I winced, the pain coming again. As I looked over to the other people in the kelku I let out a pained wheezing as I blinked at one of the woman, tsahìk. She turned towards me and I made 'I See You' sign weakly as she crouched down.

" tsahìk " I wheezed as I laid back down as she unwrapped the bandages around my shoulder. I winced, letting out a gasp, looking at the two other adults in the kelku. I locked eyes with the man and I gasped, then looked over to the woman next to him.

" Jake! Jake! " I wheezed, as his ears perked, confused. He walked over crouching down, a serious expression on his face, before he could ask anything I wheezed out.

" Zolani! It's– " I winced at the pain in my shoulder.

" It's me! " I gasped out as his expression faded to shock, then fear.

" why— why are you here? " He hissed, worried.

" Let's just say— " I hissed as the tsahìk started to rewrap my wound.

" Things went to shit after the war. " I slowly pulled myself up as the tsahìk finished wrapping the wound. He held me up with gentle hands on my shoulders, I was panting. This was all so much, I mean I knew he was alive but I didn't think I would end up here.

" My human body died.. so Quaritch figured out how to get me an Avatar. He hoped I would work for him but– I was more like an experiment. I couldn't live like that— " I hurriedly explained as tears welled in my eyes, he took me into a gentle hug as I let out a sob. At this everyone was confused and scared, especially at Quaritch's name. The other woman, Neytiri, crouched down as Jake let me out of the embrace. She looked me over with a blank expression as I finished wiping tears from my eyes. I laid back down with a wheezy breath and closed my eyes as I started to fall back asleep.

I awoke to soft chatter, I slowly sat up with a shake of my head. I peered at the entrance to the kelku realizing it was dark outside. I looked around the kelku to find no one around. I pulled myself up, noting the loincloth instead of my shorts and a bandage wrapped tightly around my chest and shoulder as I did. I grabbed onto the shelves slightly, careful to not break anything. I slowly walked out of the entrance as the voices got louder. I peeked out only to almost run into a young girl Na'Vi. She screamed, dropping what she was carrying as she turned tail to run. Quickly, there was two adults at her sides questioning her, she pointed towards me as they looked up. My ears perked, trying to make out what they were saying. They started to get closer and I realized who it was, Jake and Neytiri! I smiled slightly, steading myself against the doorframe. Neytiri watched as I walked closer, her eyes staring right into my soul. Jake was quickly infront of me, he was holding two plates of food. My mouth watered as he handed one to me and I quickly scarfed it down in quick bites. He gave me a wide eyed expression, then looked at Neytiri who was smiling slightly in amusement.

" Were you hungry or something kid? " He joked, raising an eyebrow as I wiped the food from my mouth with a nod. He slightly smiled, then inspected the bandages.

" Let's get these things changed, I will get Mo'at " He said, turning to Neytiri as he walked away. I peered behind them to see the two kids that jumped out of the bushes at me and Neteyam. My ears flattened to my skull as I let out a hiss. Neytiri looked shocked and turned around to see who I was hissing at.

" YOU! You shot me! " I spat at the boy, who hung his head in shame. Neytiri turned to me, and put her hands up onto my hand that was pointing at him.

" mawey, my son Lo'ak is sorry. He was trying to protect his brother. " Neytiri stated as the kid, Lo'ak, stepped closer slowly a older girl beside him. My look softened slightly as I sighed looking him over.

" I am so very sorry " He explained, hands raised to show he was harmless. My tail flicked as I studied him. His eyes stared into mine with worry filling them. I sighed, rubbing my face with my hand.

" It is alright Lo'ak " I stated, making the 'I See You' gesture as he returned it. The girl beside him did as well.

" I am Zolani Nash. " I said, repeating the gesture to her.

" I am Kiri " She said, taking my hand.

" Please, let's get you laid back down " She gently pulled me back into the kelku and sat me down as she started to unwrap the wound as she sat cross legged infront of me. I winced, fighting to not pull away from her touch as she applied a paste to the wound.

" How long until it's healed? " I asked, looking into her eyes nervously. She looked up from my wound as she began to rewrap it.

" Probably a few weeks at least " She remarked, looking back down as she finished wrapping it. She looked back at the entrance as Mo'at, the tsahìk, and Jake walked in. Followed by Neytiri and the littlest Na'Vi girl as Kiri walked off into another part of the kelku with Mo'at.The girl was clinging to Neytiri's leg as she peered at me, she quickly looked at her mom then back at me.

" Why do you look like that? " She asked, innocent eyes staring into my soul.There was a collective " TUK! " as my mouth fell open in embarrassment.

" I- um... " I rubbed my hands together as my tail swished around nervously

" Apologies Tuk. That was rude. " Neytiri crouched down to Tuk's height

" I'm sorryyyy " She looked down at her feet as I reached out a hand to rub her shoulder.

" It's alright Tuk " I smiled softly, taking my hand from her shoulder as she looked at my sitting figure. She put her hand up, tracing my markings with a delicate finger. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in as she did and closed my eyes. She giggled, running her fingers along my tattoo till she was at my wrist as I opened my eyes to look into hers.

" What is it? " She looked up from the tattoo, wide eyed with a grin.

" A snake, it's a Earth animal that looks like a living rope. It represents my mother.." I paused, lips in a tight line as I looked back on my mother. Then smiled at Tuk's wide eyed grin of excitement and curiously. I slowly stood up, looking around at the other children as Neytiri, Jake and Mo'at walked out after sharing a few hushed words with Neteyam who had just came in with Lo'ak and a plate of food. My ears perked as he and Lo'ak walked back over without them.

" where are they going? " I inquired, peeking around Neteyam as the figures disappeared into the crowd.

" Off somewhere, something about 'adult business' " He said through bites of food, looking at his siblings then me.

" They left me in charge so I've decided we are going to show Zolani around the clan, if you feeling up for it? " He smiled slightly at my excited gasp as he finished off his plate.

" Really? I would love too! " I gasped as Kiri walked over, taking my hand in hers and starting to walk with Tuk at her side.

" Come on! There is so much to show you!! Lo'ak! Neteyam! Hurry up! We must introduce her to Spider! " She said excitedly as we picked up the pace, I laughed happily beside her and Neteyam as I was showed around the village. I was shown the Ikran, the Avatar Area, and eventually we left to meet up with Spider in the Lab. As we all entered the Lab, we each grabbed masks, I handed on to Lo'ak with a smile. He grinned slightly, as I turned around to hear Kiri exclaim happily,

" Monkey Boy! " She hugged the much smaller human, I mean he was tall for a human but compared to the Na'Vi him and every other human were puny. My tail flicked nervously as he looked up.

" Who's that? " He questioned as I took a puff as air from the mask.

" Zolani Nash " I dipped my head, looking the kid over. He had blue stripes painted all over him and his hair was in matted dreads.

" Spider Socorro " He said as he was released from Kiri's grasp. I gasped

" Socorro, as in Paz Socorro? " He tensed, glancing at Kiri who looked confused. He nodded slowly

" How did you know my mom? " He said, arms crossed in front of him.

" You are Quaritch's son. Him and Paz were a thing before she died " At this is eyes widened, and he glared into my soul.

" You're my half brother " I said, crouching down to his height as he slowly took in what I had said. His mouth opened to ask questions but I cut him off.

" My father was Quaritch, and mother was Dr. Nash. You're mother was a few months pregnant when I was almost 1. " I explained as he looked at me with a shocked expression, everyone was huddled around me in a circle hanging onto every word I said.

" My mother died in child birth, I was raised by the scientists before everything went to shit. Some of them managed to stay and raised me, and when Quaritch came back he got me an Avatar. Then my human body died— " Someone walked through the entrance, and stopped at the sight of the circle of teens.

" I wanna ask but do I really want to know? " He said, I wipped around. That voice.. that voice!!

" Norm? " I looked at him and he almost dropped the papers he was holding at the sound of my voice.

" Zo..? " He blinked in surprise as I practically jumped up and tackled him with a hug.

" Norm!! I thought you died! " I let out a cry of relief as we hugged, I eventually pulled away because of the burning in my shoulder.

" You thought I died? I thought you died kid! " He snapped, flicking me in the forehead. I let out a small hiss as he laughed, I motioned him to join the circle as I crawled back into the middle and started talking again.

" Anyways back— " I started then Kiri spoke up.

" How do you know everyone, you knew Jake, Spider's mom and Norm! " My ears twitched as I looked at her.

" They raised me, how could I forget them! " I grinned slightly at Norm who rolled his eyes.

" You sure were a pain in the ass kid " I gasped dramatically, putting a hand to my heart.

" How could you say such things! Oh my! I will die from my broken heart! " I fell back dramatically, into Neteyam's lap as he sat cross legged. I stuck my tongue out at Norm as I closed my eyes and pretended to be dead. Everyone let out a laugh as I sat back up and continued,

" Anyways, after my human body died I was somehow able to remain alive in this body. " Kiri's ears perked as she spoke up

" Perhaps it was the will of Ewya. " I shrugged looking back behind me at Neteyam, who was looking back at me. I grinned then turned to Spider who was sitting beside Kiri deep in thought.

" Spi– " He started to talk, cutting me off quickly.

" Was he... y'know– a dad to you? " Everyone went silent as my ears pulled back. I fought back the urge to yell, Spider didn't even meet him, did know him.

" No. He wasn't. That's why I ran " I growled softly and he nodded. Kiri put her hand on his shoulder as I got up, Neteyam following after me as I left. I practically shoved people out of the way as I stalked out of the lab, I didn't want to explode my anger onto anyone. Neteyam gently grabbed my wrist, causing me to turn to him and he pulled me into a hug. I struggled to get away for a moment then melted into his touch.

" I'm sorry, I didn't want to yell at anyone.. " He hummed a response as he slowly let go of me, but kept his hand on my shoulder.

" Are you okay Zo? " He looked into my eyes as tears welled in them. His looked softened as he wiped away the stray tears that rolled down my face.

" I'm so sorry Neteyam, I'm just being a big baby " I quickly wiped at the tears.

" Hey, no you're not. It's okay to feel things and cry " I looked up at him as my lip quivered as I held back a wail. He pulled me into a hug as tears rolled down my face. God dammit. Why can't I do anything right. I started to sob, hiccuping and shaking in his grasp.

" Please.. P-please don't make me go back " His eyes widened and he looked down at my sobbing figure as I shook my head.

" I can't go back– I can't! " He took my head in his hands as I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face.

" You will never, ever have to go back there. I promise " I sniffled, hugging him gently as someone walked over.

" You okay Zolani?.. I'm sorry for bringing him up.. " Spider said, as him and Kiri walked over. I looked up from Neteyam's shoulder and nodded.

" I- I'm sorry for running off it's just... bad memories.. " Spider nodded as Kiri's expression softened, she walked over as Neteyam let go and I walked over to her.

" Let's get you back to grandmother's kelku " She said, taking my hand and walking me toward the hut. I slowly let go of Neteyam's hand as he smiled comfortingly at me as me and Kiri left. She lead me through the crowd ad I started to become exhausted. When was the last time I even had a conversation with anyone? My thoughts we interrupted as Kiri stopped and I crash into her. I shook my head, gathering myself as my ear perked up. There was someone talking in the kelku, I looked at Kiri and stepped forward into the hut and everyone went silent. Neytiri, Jake and Mo'at all stared back at me as Kiri followed me in. She lead me to a corner and she sat me down and began unwrapping my wound. I winced as Mo'at came over to help, but I felt everyone's eyes staring through me. I closed my eyes, head swirling with thoughts and when I opened them again Kiri was gone, I looked over just in time to see her slip out the hut. I looked back at Jake, who was standing just behind Mo'at, fear flashing in my eyes. The silence was deafening as I looked at him, finally I broke the silence.

" Are you gonna make me go back..? " His eyes widened as he crouched beside me. I felt tears pricking at my eyes as I stared at him

" No, you will never go back there " I slightly smiled as Mo'at finished tending to my wound.

" You should get some rest " She said as I yawned. I nodded, looking up at Jake as he helped me up.

" We have enough room in our hut, you can stay with us " I smiled, nodding excitedly. Him and Neytiri lead me to their kelku and showed me which bed I would be sleeping in. It was the one farthest from the entrance but it was still with the other beds. I crawled into it and curled up, looking up at Neytiri and Jake I smiled.

" Thank you guys... for everything.. " I yawned and tucked my head under the blanket and eventually fell asleep.

I was back in that damn lab. My head hurt, where was everyone? I sat up from my bunk and walked into the lobby. It was completely empty, I walked around peering out of the windows to be met with darkness. Suddenly I felt someone grab my kuru and throw me down. I yelped in pain as I felt blood run down my head as I banged against the floor. I tried to sit up but was pushed back down by a boot landing on top of my head. My head was realing with pain as I tried to struggle free. I looked up, slightly seeing the muzzle of a handgun coming into view as I was yanked up my kuru. Tears streamed down my face as the muzzle pressed firmly against my head, my eyes closed as I started to shake. There was deafening silence, then a loud pop.

I practically jumped out of the bed, panting and scrambling for safety. I hit the floor harshly, head still swirling as I started to get up and quickly stumbled out of the kelku. I had probably woken everyone up but I needed air or I was gonna pass out. I slowly reached the edge of the forest and sat down, still shaking and panting. I pulled my knees to my chest, my tail curled around my feet as I listened to the forest. I slowly calmed down, I finally looked over as I heard someone clear their throat. I didn't look over, I knew who it was. He scooted closer till he was sitting next to me, but not touching. The silence was filled with my slowing breathes as I regained composure.

" You know, when Lo'ak shot you I thought you were going to die, " I glaced over at Neteyam as he spoke, he was leaned back on his elbows looking up at the night sky.

" well, that was until the atokirina came out of the forest and started landing on you " I laid onto my back with a glace at him.

" Ewya meant for us to meet that day. " I looked over at him, eyebrow scrunched in confusion.

" What? Why do you think that? " He looked over, beads clanking together in his braids.

" I was following an atokirina when you almost killed me " He remarked, smiling slightly as I rolled my eyes at him.

" Perhaps it was. And I didn't almost kill you " I turned over to see the sky as I let out a yawn. I closed my eyes, listening to the forests sounds and the heartbeat of the ground. My ears perked as Neteyam laid down onto his back next to me. I felt something land onto my stomach with a feather soft touch, then on my arms and legs. I opened my eyes to meet the glowing figure of an atokirina, I gasped as it lightly tapped my nose.

" Neteyam! " I whispered out, he sat up and gasped at the sight. I was practically covered in atokirina as I laid still in the grass. The one of my nose floated across my face, then up into the sky. The rest followed quickly after, leaving us star struck as we watched them float away into the treeline. My heart raced in amazement, my mouth agape as I whipped my head around to look at Neteyam, who looked amazed, but not as shocked.

" See it is a sign! " He prodded, light shoving my arm as I rolled my eyes.

We sat for a while longer, staring up at the stars until we made our way back to the kelku where everyone was back asleep except Neytiri. She practically jumped up when we walked into the entrance, putting a hand on her son's shoulder as she glanced at me.

" Are you two alright? " She inspected her son, circling him then me for injuries.

" We are fine ma " Neteyam sighed with a smile as his mother inspected him.

" Sorry if I woke anyone up, I had a nightmare.. " I forced a smile as I looked into her eyes. She stared back, right through my soul. I shivered nervously as she removed her hand from Neteyam and glaced at me. I knew she didn't like me, I saw the way she glaced at me. Who could blame her? I'm Quaritch's daughter, ofcourse she hates me. I was snapped out of my thoughts as a gentle hand pushed me forward, towards my bed. I looked at Neteyam as he motioned towards the beds. I started to walk, crawling into the hammock and curling up as he crawled into his. I fell asleep shortly after that.

* * *

#neteyam x reader #neteyam #[ Covered Myself In Thorns ]#avatar fanfiction #atwow fanfiction #atwow #atwow neteyam

13 notes · View notes