#it's only for 3 hours and after lunch
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If you only knew how I don't want to go to work this Saturday...
#well now you know#it's only for 3 hours and after lunch#don't even have to wake up early#and it's because I was off the whole Wednesday#there's a movie festival this week so some of our students are off lessons to attend it#part of their studies#they're animators#so we're not working either#yet still#at least I'll have some good and free IPA after work#(going to a beer shop for a mystery shopper check lol)#alma.txt
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In the process of 1.5 hours, so much drama was revealed to me that I’m cancelling my next trip back to my hometown next year.
#Sigh……..#I cut off more than half of the people I knew here and it’s still this messed up??#I need to lie down#But I literally can’t until another full 23 hours from now#Why did I do this to myself#Liveblog count (Lia’s Holiday Trip Home Sunday Edition):#Friendships ended: 1#Friendships repaired: 1 - these guys were salty at each other since June jfc#Flights cancelled: 2#Hours of sleep: 5#Update 2 ->#Therapy sessions given: 1#Therapy sessions received: 1#Update 3 ->#This one was actually pretty relaxing#Hours spent yapping: 9#Update 4 ->#No energy to get into it. But I feel like I needed to go to a self help session or something after that#Update 5 (pure venting) ->#These people want to be involved in my life more so badly but they are only willing to do it on their terms and not mine#You don’t get to have that for free anymore!!#“There was no time to talk” BULLSHIT. There was plenty of time! I even brought up the topic first during lunch!!#To keep acting like this doesn’t exist and only want to talk about it when I’m exhausted and trying to sleep#You picked a time where you know I don’t have the energy to fight back because you’re too scared you’ll say the wrong thing#And I’ll cut you out of my life again
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yes it did take me 3 hours and 5 breaks to write 270 words but! i wrote 270 words and a win is a win
#also i did do other things related to the thesis that weren't writing#like finding more passages i can use and sorting them in the categories im gonna use them#it still doesn't explain why i only wrote 270 words in 3 hours but whatever#gonna eat lunch and then write even more words#im gonna set a realistic goal today so lets say 800 more words#and after that I'll probably have to find some new sources to use so i can do that tonight#and then tomorrow i can write 1000 or so words and be done with that part#that will only take me about 20 hours#and luckily one day has 24 of them in it so yay#jo says stuff#university update
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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anyone else getting a little tired of the unending horror
#she speaks#truly cannot keep living like this gang!#burned out and stressed constantly to a level that i keep thinking will plateau#only for it to keep somehow getting worse#idk if y’all know this but being a teacher in america is truly a completely unsustainable job#it verges on deliberate cruelty the shit we’re just supposed to handle and be ok with every day#and the expectations we’re supposed to be able to meet#with very little time to plan or prepare let alone rest#tomorrow i literally have no planning time#so i won’t get a single break outside of like 20 minutes for lunch if i’m lucky#and then we have a grade level meeting after school that i didn’t know about until literally today#bc we need to have report card comments done by tomorrow.#which you’ll never guess!! we also didn’t know about/weren’t reminded of until today!!#and maybe that’s on me but admin normally puts out so much stuff about it ahead of time#and this time we got literally nothing#and now i’ve had to cancel my therapy appointment right when i probably need it the most#and since it’s less than 24 hours i might get charged for it 🙃#i haven’t vacuumed in months and my car inspection is 3 months overdue#i wake up exhausted every single day and come home so overwhelmed i can barely talk#and yet things keep fucking happening every single day#and it all just keeps compounding#and i have no other option but to keep pushing through and hope it doesn’t literally kill me#this can’t be all there is. it can’t keep feeling like this forever. when does it get better i cant keep doing this
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made a scary phone call and now i have a great day lined up
#well i actually made the scary phone call last NIGHT but it didn't work out#i had to ask to move my shift half an hour forward bc yesterday my dad got free tickets for a play#and i can make it earlier to work after school than usual#and i can only make it to the play if i leave work a half hour earlier#so same 3 hours just yeah shifted#anyway last night i got a smaller manager so ig he couldn't sort it out but now i got ahol of the store manager#and he said it's fine so woop woop#i also woke up a bit late and made myself an amazing lunch but i am on time for school wahoo#i had to run to make my bus tho and i mean i wouldn't say it was NARROW but i was probably susceptible to#being hit by a (slowing to a stop) car at one certain moment. however i was fine#ok it wasn't that bad the car stopped at rhe intersection BEFORE i reached it and ran around it so like. its fineee
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i just need to make it to shabbat i just need to make it to shabbat i just need
#😵💫😵💫😵💫#short response due tmrw ; seminar presentation potentially tmrw WHICH I ONLY JUST REMEMBERED ; short seminar quiz to do before friday ;#latin club “homework” which im probably gonna tell my friend i cant continue w bc my weekly workload is already too overwhelming w 3 courses#+ i have to have by thrice yearly lunch w my evangelical godmother which means 3 hour convo half dedicated to getting me to abandon judaism#and half to getting me to repent my sinful homosexual ways and go back to being a nice straight girl#all of which is going to happen in public and she WILL tear up at multiple points of the conversation and it WILL be supremely awkward#when people inevitably start eavesdropping bc let's be real if i were at a cafe overhearing this convo i would be listening in too#and everyone's like 'ugh why dont you just tell her to fuck off' but im the only trans person and the only observant jew she has ever met#two groups against which she already has so many preconceived notions so like. idk it feels like my responsibility#as someone who knows her and who she acc cares about (vs a stranger) to try and give her a different perspective on these things ???#like if me being patient and calmly explaining why i transitioned/why i converted can stop her even slightly from sliding even further right#(and like she's Right Wing like covid denial right wing)#and if it might mean the next trans person or whtvr that she interacts with has it slightly easier then like. sure j can sit through#a couple irritating hours every few months#but its just suuuch a shit time for it like im meeting her thursday after class when i have a massive fucking assignment to hand in on sat#which FUCK gotta add that to the list#☞ annotated bibliography due saturday aka friday bc shabbos#okay okay. im done losing my mind in the notes 😵💫👍🏻#p.s.
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finally asked if im allowed to take a lunch break (the answer is no)
#technically its yes#but i have to make up the missed hours later#and i dont have TIME for that 😭#he was like ‘you could extend your hours’ and i was like. dude i have class after this#and so then he was like wlel you could extend your hours another day#but i have class 3/5 days#and if i eat lunch on the days im here until 3:30 i would have to work an extra two hours on the day im only here until 1:30#which means id be here til 3:30 AGAIN and then i couldnt even eat lunch that day#or i could work til 4:30#which would kill me i think#anyway#i guess i need to start bringing lunch#or just keep skipping lunch like ive been doing#but im so hungry :’)#anyway im hiding in the bathroom again#im so tired and stressed i have so fucking much to do. why cant they just let me eat a bagel bro#he was like#bc its a part time job#but im doing the same amount of work as our salary reporter 😭#and she gets to work from home with whatever hours she wants#ughhhh
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getting into scrambling to do my assignments mode shouldn’t be so easily thwarted by my desire to think about my silly fictional faves and yet here i am. booooo get ur priorities straight
#x#i’ve been sat in the library for three hours i think i’m gonna go take a walk and then come back n see if that helps#maybe even. eat lunch or something.#goal today is to figure out the renting a gown situation for graduation (either it works or i email the uni to ask lol)#and also completing the essay proposal form i need for a 1to1 tutorial tmrw at 2pm#wish me luck babes#after that it’s only 17k words to write for my 3 assignments#including one being my dissertation that i haven’t made any progress on since. january#good lord. i was not made for academia
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thank gd that the day rly speeds by in the mornings. bc it hits lunch time and i dont even realize im like over halfway through the day. by da time lunch is done i usually have like 3 hours elft...
#this time ill have 2 hours 30 minutes ish left bc im behind. but shhh#its so awesome. 5 rooms b4 lunch w the bonus morning prep time..n only 3 rooms after lunch +#+ the afternoon leftover time -_- bc were scheduled to finsih our last room like an hour b4 we actually leave#so we cn do laundry and whatnot. but im ngl i fucking hate laundry so i usually use it 2 vacuum
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hello everybody. school was not bad to be honest the gym teacher was nice and he said he won't make us run that much barely at all which is good. even in math all we did today was factoring review and tomorrow we're doing some little competition on it. fun fact about me i'm actually really good at factoring trinomials especially i enjoy it and can do it easily i'm just factorpilled like that. the only part of math i'm always good for. band is actually my biggest stressor right now solo and ensemble on the 28th.... urgh
#as a soloist i have to practice w the pianist at some point cause there's an accompaniment and the directors set up a schedule but#it's screwy i don't have a study hall at all this semester i'd have to do it during my lunch. also i just have naurt practiced as much as i#should have. plus there's no private lesson today so there's only 3 more lessons before actual solo day..... maybe i can ask for an hour#next week or the week after. embarrassing but i have to i'm having problems w my whisper key sticking to the bocal which messes#with my high notes. sorry for the dump.. i hate band. not really it's so much fun until you have to practice and do things </3
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My heart hurts so fucking badly right now-
#Emotional pain and anxiety#Mostly about chapter 15 of Curse of Strahdanya. Only 3 hours in. My hearts hurts so badly-#I have just... Six more episodes after these four hours pass. I doubt I'll finish them this weekend#But I am getting very close to the end of it. I don't know how any of us are going to recover#Some lightness will be a blessing. I just want to know if Tommy and Arabelle are okay at this point.#Welp. While emotional I'm going to start on tomorrow's lunch/dinner. Because it's 10 at night and I need a distraction#I'm almost out of word searches.#I've nearly finished the second one.#the professor: azran#Shepherd would be the one typing this. However he is as much of a mess as his source-self.
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period FINALLY fuckinf started. took its sweet time with it huh
#ive been cramping and having stupid digestive issues for a solid week. at my wits end fr#been putting off taking proper painkillers for them bc i can only take them for 3 consecutive days#and cramps are MUCH worse when it actually starts so i didnt wanna be rawdogging em.#but i got woken up from the pain last night and was like fuck it i just want to sleep for once so took them regardless#but yeah actually bleeding now thank god. just a few rough days and itll be over for this cycle#ughhhh. anyway i have a few hours off work for this drs appt and the bus was early (or the prev one was very late lmao)#so got 20 mins to kill at home.. sooo weird to be outside of work on a weekday in daylight hours lol i left for work before dawn#and ill be home after dusk tn. sighhh. well at least i get some daylight today i don't usually get any bc my lunch break is too short#to feasibly leave the building AND eat 😔 im rlllly gonna need my sad lamp this year#mmm anyway im gonna read a bit i think and then head out early just in case the clinic is hard to find..i havent been to this one before#hopefully all goes well 🤞🤞🤞🤞#.diaries
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Me: why have I slept all day?
Also me: *remembers I showered yesterday*
Ah
#I've only been awake for a total of. 2? maybe 3 hours?#and am still exhausted and probably gonna go back to sleel after eating lunch#this is the second day in a row I've slept basically all day i hate it here
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EI rejected my claim and doesn’t say why, and I’m panicked and furious. This could mean I receive no EI support at all this month, and not only do I have rent to pay which takes almost two EI payments alone, I now have school costs as well.
I feel like the world is falling apart around me just as I started to move forward for the first time in eight years.
#this is probably the most. unsafe i guess. i’ve felt in months#i genuinely don’t know if i can handle all the things happening#losing our home. having to find a new place. my monthly rent at least doubling. the cost and stress of going back to school.#having to cut my hours once i’m back at work so i CAN go to school#no having any clue where my family is going to end up living#knowing that everyone in my family will be losing money after selling the house because we will all be renting#but it’s the only option because my mom doesn’t have enough money to survive on and the house half belongs to her#so she needs that money now#but if we could hold on to the house for even just three more years we would be in a much better spot financially bc#1. my dad wouldn’t be losing 2000+ dollars a month on rent 2. i wouldn’t be spending an additional 600 or more on rent than i already am#3. because they’re developing the area around our house the value of the house will increase significantly#but it’s just not a fucking option#because sixteen years ago i forgot my fucking lunch and a bus decided to total my mom’s car and leave her permanently disabled#and i thought i got over blaming myself years ago because i REALIZE how fucking stupid it sounds#i was a fucking child i had no idea me forgetting my fucking lunch would mean my mom got hit by a bus#but it did#i forgot my lunch and a bus hit my mom and she had to leave the career she loved#and because she wasn’t working she was crossing the street two years later and got run over by a FUCKING car#and because she got run over by a car she was told that not only would she not return to work in the next five years she would likely never#work again. and she would also live with pain so bad they would put her on medications so heavy she became a different person#a violent person who i was scared of and who she herself didn’t understand and didn’t like and who in her own words#would have killed herself if she didn’t need to take care of me.#and because she was now an unemployed and struggling TBI survivor she was in the back of a car coming back from the CtCB awards#for TBI survivours when the car she was in was hit AGAIN and she needed to be cut out of the back seat.#the universe sure has a sick sense of humour#and because of the physical and emotional and financial strain on the family my dad became more stressed and angry and took it out on my mom#and eventually (thankfully for their own health) they got divorced#but now we’re here. losing the house. all because of the most disgusting butterfly effect i’ve ever encountered personally.#and it was my fault#anyway. i’m not going to do anything stupid i know that won’t help anyone. but i still don’t exactly want to be alive rn.
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thinking about how i will probably be forced to spend my lunch break tomorrow rehearsing even though it's the only time i have free at all on a show day bc some people don't realise just how much i have to be doing and i. am. dreading. it.
#this is not a harsh dig at anyone it's just that most of the adult dancers only take one class and only have a couple of dances to do#so they get a lot of free time during tech and the show and if they want lunch rehearsal it takes like 10 or 20 minues max#to get their stuff done and go#i take 3 adult classes a week i help teach 2 (sometimes 3) children's classes a week#i am doing 9 dances and have to check on those 3 children's classes through rehearsal and show#i go earlier in the morning to help with set up and i help with clearing out after the show is done#i am happy to do all of it. i enjoy it even it is pretty fulfilling for me#but lunch is the only time where i can take a breather and i just KNOW people will wanna rehearse more bc everything is shambles this year#example time. lunch break is 2.5hrs. seems a long time right? last year i spent the first 20 minutes eating#and the last 10 trying and failing to take a nap straight up on the floor in front of the stage. and the rest was extra rehearsal!! 2hrs!!!#might have to find a hiding place early on so that no one will find me in lunch and i can just chill between tech and show#sorry for the rant i just. idk it's irritating like i get tired!!!!! let me sit down for an hour!!!!!#mae posts
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