#this is also partially the hurricanes fault because i had to move further away from both my jobs
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As soon as I find another more suitable job, it's over for my current one
#hate the new change in management#really just one specific one#the other guy is ok#the first guy has my position come in at 8 now#and our day still ends at 5#so it's a 9 hour shift#get a half hour lunch still#and i have an hiur drive to and from work#i wake up at 6 am to get ready for work#and let's say it takes about an hour to really relax after i get home#that's 13 hours of my days dedicated mentally and physically to this job where i clean bathrooms and pick up trash#so i only get like. 3 hours of freetime before i have to go to bed (at 10. because i have to wake up at 6)#and I'm so tired of it#this is also partially the hurricanes fault because i had to move further away from both my jobs#the second job is done after today though so that'll free me up for job hunting
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youâd come over, right?
Summary:Â A year after Kiara and JJ broke up, they come home to the Outer Banks to deal with one of the hardest years of their lives.
Word Count: 5.2k
Warnings: swearing, canon-compliant smoking, au, minor character death, cancer, current events
A/N:Â Alternate Universe: JJ and Kiara dated seriously for a long while, but over a year before this story, they parted ways. Set in present-day with current events, but most current events are only mentioned briefly for context. All characters aged 21+. Partially inspired by If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi and current events and Sad Feelsâą and a sad playlist my sister made. Come cry with me... also on ao3
Shoutout to @alexandracheersâ for proofreading <3
Sometimes even the most beautiful things die. Itâs the sad cycle of life.Â
It starts with a spark, a first touch, a first look, a first kiss;Â
a few embers of warmth, holding hands, secret glances, flirty texts;Â
the roaring flames of passion, clinging to one another, leaving the party early, tangled limbs and tangled sheets;Â
then the steady heat of a well-tended fire, cozy mornings making coffee, binging your favorite shows, texting to see how your day is.Â
But, sometimes, even the most loved and cared for fires die. They go out with little warning or reason. What was a welcome flame in the hearth one night may be a bed of ash by morning.Â
Their fire died a long time ago. It wasnât anyoneâs fault - no one was trying to douse the flames - it just went out. When they sat down and discussed breaking up - parting ways was a more apropos term - she hadnât even cried. When he packed up and moved out, it was unceremonious. He even kissed her forehead as he left, like heâd done a hundred times before, only this time he wasnât coming back.Â
She still dreamed about him. Sometimes unbidden images of picket fences and a dog and home-cooked meals and potted plants intruded upon her thoughts. Once, when her period was late, sheâd even dreamt of a curly-haired little boy with blue eyes - which was ridiculous because she was very single at the time. Did she even want to have kids?
He thought about her, too. Each new destination she traveled to brought new Instagram posts and awakened an ache in his chest he couldnât quite place. That ache deepened when she revisited places they had gone together - unwanted memories flooding his senses. The smell of coconut still sent him spinning, missing the feeling of running his fingers through her hair, over the smooth skin of her arms and legs.Â
What hurt so badly about their fire dying wasnât that it died. What hurt was that it should never have died; that it died so quietly and suddenly; that one day it was there, burning bright, and the next it was a cold gray heap of coals.Â
Even their friends were surprised when he moved back home. âWhere is she?â and âWhat happened?â and âWe had no idea you had any problems.â
Followed by the futile response of, âIt was just time to move on.â
And they did move on, eventually. She traveled to forget and perhaps after a few months she could call herself truly happy - though there was always an ache of not having someone to share each experience with. He stayed at home, but he opened his own business and the familiarity of home soothed any wounds he sustained. Their fire might have gone out, but they kept the bed of ash in the fireplace, a shrine to what they once had, and it was more comforting than sad after a time.Â
When the virus first hit, sheâd been back in the states, on the West Coast. She messaged him:
Are you safe? Still have a job? Anyone sick?
Fine for now. You?
Fine.
When the protesting started, he knew sheâd be in the thick of it. Not that he didnât get involved, he just knew her passion for people and justice. He messaged her back this time:
Youâre protesting, arenât you? Are you safe?
Of course! But Iâm being careful. You?
Staying safe. Protesting here, too.Â
Hurricane Isaias wasnât meant to be a bad storm, but she had still tracked it up the East Coast. Her suspicions were confirmed when it intensified.
Isaias didnât wipe yâall out, did it?
No, blew through pretty quick. The Cut took a hit. Gonna take some time to fix it up.Â
At first, after reading the headlines about the fires out west, he thought it was a joke. As they spread, he realized how serious it was and it worried him.Â
You evacuated, right? The air quality is shit where you are.Â
Yep. Gonna take a pandemic-friendly tour of some national parks further east.
Every new development meant more messages sent. Simple little check-ins that meant nothing and everything. It was a scary year the world faced, and even after all those months apart, the only thing they wanted was to find comfort in one anotherâs safety. On opposite ends of the country, the two of them tied together by current events and the memory of their relationship.Â
Mid-September, while she was traveling away from the fires on the West Coast, he got a call from her mother. He hadnât spoken to her mother much since they had broken up, over a year ago, but she still liked his Instagram posts and struck up conversations when she saw him around town.Â
âHey, Mrs. Anna.â
âHi, JJ. Iâve told you, itâs just Anna.â Her voice was soft and as kind as ever, but held an edge of tiredness and strain he hadnât heard from her before. âWe have some⊠tough news, and we wanted you to hear it from us first.â
Colon cancerâŠ
Kiaraâs hearing faded into white noise as her mother spoke those words to her through the phone. Her mother went on to explain that even though they caught it late, the doctors were optimistic that her father would make a recovery. Treatments were set to start right away.Â
âMom, Iâm coming home.â
âHoney, we know youâve got traveling plans. Weâll be fine. We donât want to interrupt your-â
âMom, I canât do much traveling with this virus. Dad is more important than any of that, anyway. Iâm coming home.â
JJ cried when Anna hung up the phone. Mike was rough around the edges, and he was resistant to Kiara dating a Maybank, but once JJ won him over, he treated him like a son. Hearing this news was a punch to the gut - it was like losing a father. Even in the midst of his sadness he knew Kiara would be sent into a tailspin.
Hey. You okay?
She was typing in response, then nothing. He waited, seeing the little bubble pop up again and again and fade away each time. And then she videocalled. She hadnât called him in months - not since they parted ways. The little screen showed her in her car, only illuminated by her dim phone screen and the passing street lights. Tears stained her cheeks, but she kept her eyes trained on the road. âIâm not okay.â
âYouâre driving right now?â
âIâm coming home.â
âKiara, pull over. Itâs late. Get some sleep.â
âI canât. They caught it late - he might⊠who knows how much time I have-â
âKie.â His voice was soft. He was always soft toward her.
Her face crumpled as the tears fell fresh. He let her cry. He talked to her about nothing and everything as her tears subsided. She cried as she drove through the night, talking to him when she was calm, crying harder when the conversation lulled. She didnât stop until she noticed heâd fallen asleep, the video call still rolling. It was after four in the morning. The pang of nostalgia that tore through her was enough to make her catch her breath. They hadnât talked like that since they first started dating. A few tears sneaked out of the corners of her eyes, but she couldnât tell if the memories or the fear of the future caused them. She found a safe place to park and fell into a fitful sleep in the back of her car.Â
She made it home just in time for her dadâs first surgery. JJ met her and her mother at the hospital parking lot, all masks and six-feet of distance until she said, âI could really use a hug.â The three of them colliding into a group hug within seconds.Â
JJ made sure the Carreras didnât need anything as Mike went through chemo and more and more hospital stays. He ran errands for them since none of them could risk going out and bringing anything home. He did yard work since Mike hated an unkept lawn. Kiara always made sure to leave him snacks and drinks on the back deck as the North Carolina heat stretched into October. Aside from that, he willingly put himself at Annaâs beck and call. Anything and everything she needed done, he jumped at the opportunity to help. He would even come over in the evenings to play cards with Mike - masks included. Kiaraâs heart ached as she watched her parents get along with him so well. She hadnât realized how far he had wormed his way into their little family, but here they were, acting as though nothing had changed between him and their daughter, loving him like a son. He praised her momâs cooking until she blushed and there were times he could make her dad laugh so hard they all forgot for a moment that cancer existed. Those moments were fleeting and oh-so cherished.Â
Mike deteriorated quickly. It made Kiara sick to see her father become a cancer-wasted shell of himself. As optimistic as the doctors had been originally, the treatments werenât taking well. As chemo wrapped up, his numbers were still dangerously high. November brought another emergency surgery that confirmed their worst fears. Mike moved home. They were told all that was left was to manage the pain and make him as comfortable as they could. They had perhaps a month left. JJ moved into the guest room to be as close as possible in case anything was needed from him. The four of them were left waiting as Thanksgiving approached.Â
Kiara wasnât sleeping. Maybe it was knowing her ex-boyfriend was staying down the hall from her, though that was an odd thing to focus on. More likely, it was the fact that her father was passing away right before her eyes, slipping through her fingers as she stood by, helpless. The sun had set hours ago, and she sat with a now-cold cup of tea in front of her at the kitchen table, mulling over each crazy event that had led her to this point.Â
JJ wandered into the kitchen, opening the fridge to inspect the contents. âWhat are you doing up so late?â he asked.
âI could ask you the same thing.â The words came out harsher than she had intended, but then again, she was exhausted in every single sense of the term.
JJ brushed off her roughness. âHungry. Did you eat dinner?â He knew she hadnât, so he set about making an extra sandwich.
After a few moments of silence, Kiara whispered, âItâs all my fault.â
âWhat?â
âItâs my fault,â she repeated, her lip trembling. âI always kept track of his appointments for him. He was always shit at remembering to go to the doctor. He should have had one last year, but I didnât come home and I didnât remind him. If I hadnât broken up with you, I would have been here to remind him to go.â Tears shone in her eyes and on her cheeks.
JJ gave her a quizzical look, deciphering what she was saying. âI seem to recall being the one who left. But really none of this is anyoneâs fault,â he kept his voice even, wanting nothing more than to hug her, to wipe away all the tears, and make sure she never had to shed another one again.
âI know, I know, itâs ridiculous, but itâs what keeps running through my head.â She reached up and readjusted the messy bun that her hair was falling out of. âBut, for the record, I asked you to leave.â JJ raised an eyebrow as she said this, as though he didnât believe her. The truth was, neither of them really remembered who had dumped who or why he had left in the first place. Nothing happened that they couldnât work out with a little bit of effort. âDidnât I?â she faltered.
He shrugged. âI donât remember.â
âWe just fought a lot, didnât we?â
âConstantly. You were a bitch.â
She turned to him, mouth open. She slapped at his shoulder, âI know you did not just call me a bitch, bitch!â
He smirked at her. âMaybe you werenât that bad. Apparently, I was a slob.â
âYou are a slob,â she chuckled. Then she sighed and moved to heat up her tea. âBut thatâs no reason to dump someone. We just⊠fell out of love, I guess.â
âI didnât.â His voice was so soft he was barely even sure he had spoken. Based on the way Kiara froze, her back tense, heâd definitely said those private thoughts aloud.
She turned slowly, her face pale with lack of sleep and - something else. Was that anger? Or sadness? âYouâve had more than a year to confess something like that to me, and you choose now?â
JJ shrugged helplessly, unsure of what to say.
âThat was the issue all along, wasnât it?â Kiaraâs voice shook, but she kept her tone cool, even. âYou wouldnât communicate with me.â
âOh, come on, Kie, thatâs not fair.â It was too late for a fight. They were both tired and emotional. This wouldnât end well.
âWhatâs not fair?â Her voice had started to rise in volume and pitch as her anger increased. She wasnât even sure why she was angry in the first place, but something about JJâs confession caused her blood to boil. âThe fact that you didnât admit you still loved me when you left over a year ago? Or the fact that you choose to admit that to me while Iâm exhausted and emotionally compromised?â
âDonât be like that! Thatâs not what Iâm doing.â JJ tried to keep his voice lower than hers, so they wouldnât wake Mike or Anna, but the way her eyes flashed told him that wouldnât happen. He grabbed her bicep and led her out to the backyard.
âLet go of me!â She pulled away from him, trying to hide the shiver that ran up her spine in the cool November evening air. âYou donât get to manhandle me and manipulate me into falling back into your arms like nothing happened.â
âThatâs not-â JJ ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. âYou know Iâm shit at communicating this stuff.â
âAt saying âI love you?â At being emotionally present? Listen, I know your dad was fucked up and he fucked you up, but youâre a grown-ass man now. You could have learned how to be there for me!â
âDonât bring him into this!â Theyâd had this fight a million times before. The recurring theme of their demise being communication. Their fire had been sputtering under the faulty system they had in place long before they realized what their problems were - it was something neither of them wanted to admit. âFuck it, Kie, even if I had wanted to get any better at communicating, you were no help. You held every single one of my mistakes over my head. There was no road to redemption for you.â
âNo, no thatâs not true. I tried to help you-â
âOnly telling me what I did wrong wasnât helpful.â
She opened her mouth and closed it again, stuttering in anger. âWell⊠if you still loved me so much, why did you leave?â
âWhy stay when I knew you didnât love me anymore?â JJâs voice dropped and he avoided eye contact with her.Â
Her eyes grew wide in realization. âYou know what? Fuck you! I loved you until the day you left. If I had known you werenât coming back I would have fought harder to keep you with me, and if youâre too dense to see-â He cut her words off, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her roughly. She melted into him, a single tear squeezing itself from her eye. He tasted of a coconut flavored vape pod and nicotine and the sea. He was just as stupid and lovely as ever. It only lasted a moment before she shoved at his chest, clearing her throat and turning from him to hide the blush rising to her cheeks.Â
âIâm⊠Iâm seeing someone,â she muttered by way of explanation.
âOh.â JJ licked his lips, missing her more than he had before he kissed her. âOh, sorry. I didnât know. Who is it? Why arenât they here?â He hadnât meant to add that last part, but he was curious. Who could she be seeing that wouldnât support her during all of this? Who could she want to be with that wasnât there, like he was?
âUm, her nameâs Fern. I asked her not to come. I didnât want her to meet my dad this way.â She started to walk toward the door, wrapping her arms around herself in the cold November evening air.Â
âKie,â JJ called after her. She turned slightly, to catch his eye out of the corner of her own. âIâm sorry. Iâm sorry about everything⊠I fucked a lot of things up. And Iâm sorry about your dad.â
She nodded. âMe too.â With everything, she added mentally, and he knew she had.
Kiara and JJ wordlessly promised each other that they wouldn't let their differences ruin the upcoming holidays. So Thanksgiving passed uneventfully. It was almost a normal Carrera family holiday, besides the fact that Anna and JJ did most of the cooking. Mike tried once or twice to wander into the kitchen, but he didnât make it long before having to sit back down. Kiara made him comfortable on the couch and they watched what little football was playing. She was sure to commentate on each play alongside him. The four of them ate extreme amounts of food, and laughed and played games. âTomorrow we go get our Christmas tree,â Mike announced at the end of the night. Kiara bit her lip and glanced at JJ. He shrugged half-heartedly.
âThatâs right, baby,â Anna replied, looking meaningfully at the others.Â
And they did. They didnât travel to the mountains, like other years, but they did go down to the local tree lot. Kiara made a big fuss about finding the fattest tree and over-scrutinized each one until she found the perfect Christmas tree, just like always. JJ had spent holidays with the Carreraâs before, but he had never been so intimately involved in all of their traditions. He thought Christmas might just become his favorite holiday at this rate.Â
The weeks leading to Christmas werenât all smooth sailing. Just a few days after Thanksgiving Mike was confined almost exclusively to a hospital bed in the living room. A nurse moved in a few days after that. He slept fitfully if he slept at all, and most days, the pain (or the pain medication) kept him from interacting with the rest of them. Kie would read to him in the evenings, starting with A Christmas Carol. He fell asleep after only a few paragraphs each time, so it took a long while to get through the story. All four of them watched classic Christmas movie after classic Christmas movie - many of which JJ hadnât ever seen (to which Anna always replied, âThatâs going on our list, then!â). Mike managed to stay awake for the entirety of Elf, his favorite.Â
Christmas day was quiet. JJ cooked breakfast for everyone, and Anna gushed about how good his cooking had gotten. They had opted not to exchange gifts this holiday, instead filling their stockings with all their favorite candies and snacks. It had been JJâs idea, and Kiara thought he might have been a secret genius for suggesting it. In the afternoon, Fern called Kie and they talked for over an hour. JJ thought she looked satisfied when she returned, but nowhere near as happy as one should be when they got off a long conversation with their girlfriend. It was probably just the current circumstances. She didnât say anything other than, âWhatâs the next movie, Dad?â
Mike died two days after Christmas. He went in his sleep, which was exactly what he had wanted. No fuss, no doctors trying desperately to save him. Just a good nightâs sleep where he peacefully breathed his last. He didnât look the same as he once had. Cancer had changed him so drastically, his once strong imposing frame a mere shadow of its former glory. But his face was smoothed out, lines of pain, grief, and illness wiped away, leaving simply peace. He could have been asleep, but now he would never wake up. Looking at him, Kiara felt like she was drowning. Like every breath she fought to take just filled her lungs with more and more water. Her dad was her rock, and now she was sinking in a wide, dark ocean. She thought she might never breathe again.Â
The funeral was tiny - it was only close family that attended - three days after he passed. The sky was clear and blue and the air was cold, typical North Carolina winter. It had snowed the day before, just a bit, so the ground was frozen and white. It could have been beautiful if it wasnât so heartbreaking. Anna didnât cry that day. She said she had cried enough. The snow started falling again that evening, once they got home, and she said that was Mikeâs way of telling her he loved her. She loved the snow. Â
JJ went back home the day after the New Year. Anna told him to stay as long as he wanted, but he said it was time for him to move on. She understood, hugged him tightly before he went, admonishing him to come around often. He said he would, and promised to help with anything she needed around the house, too. Kiara sat huddled on the front porch in a rocking chair, wrapped in a thick blanket with a cup of hot cocoa as he walked out. âYouâre not going to say goodbye?â he teased kindly.Â
She looked up at him, her eyes still bloodshot and sorrowful. He wanted to hold her. He wished she had never had to go through any of this. She didnât deserve it. âI donât know what to say,â she said. âYouâve done so much for us.â
JJ shook his head. âIt was selfish. I thought if I was nearby maybe it wouldnât happen.â
âIt was anything but selfish,â She insisted, standing up and wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders. She placed a cold hand on his cheek. âReally, J. We couldnât have made it through any of this without you.â
JJ might have leaned too deeply into her touch, no matter how cold her hands were. It somehow felt colder when she moved away. He cleared his throat. âSo whatâre your plans now? Getting back on the road?â
âNot until spring. Mom wonât admit it, but sheâs not ready to be alone. Sheâll need some help coping. And honestly, Iâm not itching to leave.â
âI thought youâd wanna skip out as soon as possible. Doesnât Fern miss you?â
She squinted her eyes but didnât say anything in response. âIâll miss having you around, Maybank.â
âYeah, donât worry, Iâll still be around. I think your mom will institute Sunday dinners or some shit if I donât come over regularly.â
Kie chuckled. âShe really loves you. Dad does - did, too.â Her voice broke slightly.
âI love them, too,â JJ said, honestly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before picking up his bags and leaving. Kiara caught her breath as his lips brushed her skin, warmth spreading from where he made contact. Her wide eyes stayed glued to his figure as he loaded up his truck and drove away.Â
If normal could be achieved after a year like the Carrera women had experienced, they worked their hardest to achieve it. Anna threw herself into caring for the Wreck and it had the best off-season it had had in years. Kiara wrote songs and worked alongside her mother and even took some online classes. Anna did indeed institute Sunday dinners with JJ and he came to as many of them as he could. Life was slow to move forward, but Kie and Anna kept each other afloat, reminding themselves that Mike wouldnât have wanted them to sit still crying over him. Step by step they picked up the pieces of their lives.Â
Things went along this way for a couple months or so. The world was calming down, but not fully quiet yet - when was the world ever quiet? Kiara never thought she could enjoy the quiet slow life that was the Outer Banks during the off-season, but after the year sheâd had, she wanted nothing more than simple domesticity. She said as much during one of their Sunday dinners, enticing a knowing smile from her mother and a surprising lack of eye contact from JJ. She cornered him on the back deck when heâd stepped out to smoke. She was grateful they had regained some of the ease their friendship had carried when they were younger. âOkay, what was that all about?â
He chewed on his lip, twisting his cigarette between his fingers. Heâd given up weed a while back when they were traveling, out of necessity, but she was secretly glad heâd never taken it up again. âIâm leaving,â he said abruptly.Â
âLeaving? Going where?âÂ
âNot sure yet. My cousinâs gonna watch the shop for me. Travel the states for a bit until itâs safer to leave the country. Then Mexico? Maybe.â
âWhen will you be back?âÂ
He shrugged, âDonât know. Not for a long time.â
âWhy?â Her mouth had gone dry and her words had run out. JJ was a die-hard salt-lifer. He might pack up and leave occasionally, but the Outer Banks was home, where he belonged. She thought that no matter where he went, heâd always end up back here. Home. How could he leave now?
He turned to look at her, urgency and honesty shining in his eyes. âI know he was your dad, and I probably donât have the right to feel this way, but IâŠâÂ
âYou lost him, too,â she said, understanding.
âNeed a change of scenery.â He shrugged again, putting out his cigarette before walking back inside.Â
Kiara understood better than most the need to keep moving, the change of scenery a welcome distraction. Traveling alone left a lot of time to think and soul-search. She didnât peg JJ as the soul-searching type, but grief changed people; he needed time. She could support him in that.
âYouâre going with him, right?â Anna asked sternly as she and her daughter washed dishes that evening. JJ had just left.Â
âWhat?â Kiara nearly dropped the plate she was drying.Â
âJJ told me all about his plans. Getting out of here for a while will be good for him!â She waved a hand over her shoulder, dismissing Kiaraâs shocked expression. âHe talks to me, too, you know? Always has.â
Kiara chuckled lightly, âSo even though he and I broke up, he never broke up with yâall?â
âYou shouldnât have broken up with him.â
Kiaraâs heart stopped for a moment, as she processed what her mother had said. âWhat do you mean?â She started slowly. âI thought you didnât approve of me dating someone from the Cut.â
Anna sighed, setting down a half-washed pan. She turned to her daughter. âYour dad and I always wanted what was best for you. We thought that meant college, a solid career, marrying up. But we realized recently that that is never what lifeâs about.â She reached out and took Kiaraâs hands, tears starting to shine in her eyes. âYour dad was from the Cut. When we first got married, we had nothing except each other but being with him was the best decision I ever made. He made me happy. I think I made him happy, too.â
âYou definitely made him happy, Mom. But JJ and I fought all the time, we couldnât sort things out.â
Anna scoffed, âYour dad and I fought, too. Fights happen, but you have to realize youâre not fighting each other, youâre a team fighting the problem. Once you figure that out, you can work through anything.â
Kiara shook her head, but she had a soft smile on her lips. âMom, I just donât know.â
Anna smiled, tearfully. âThat is what lifeâs about. Nobody knows! What really matters is who is there to walk with you in the unknown. Who is there for you when you need them? Through the good and the bad. Your dad was that person for me.â She paused and looked at Kiara meaningfully, âSo Iâll ask again: are you going with him?â
She shouldnât, but while considering all of this somehow she felt freer. Her father had just died, she should still be mourning him, and yet she knew that he wouldnât want her to wallow - she had to pick herself up. You knew this was coming, she heard his voice in her head. She hoped she would never forget what that voice sounded like. You knew I was going. Now that Iâm gone, youâre free to live your life again. Live it, Kiara.
JJ finished buying his ticket for the ferry. It was cold out, more snow on its way. He had some time to kill before loading up his truck, but not much. He double-checked the straps on his luggage in the bed of the truck and was just beginning to contemplate how to pass the time when he heard his name being called. He turned to see Kiara running toward him, backpack bouncing wildly on her back. She was all flushed cheeks and shining eyes and curls tumbling around her shoulders.Â
âI broke up with Fern,â her words came out in a rush as she drew near him before he could even greet her. âI broke up with her months ago.â
âO-okay,â JJ replied, heart pounding. A million thoughts ran through his mind. He had just seen Kiara, why hadnât she mentioned it then? Or before then? Why had she come all the way here to tell him that?
âAnd Iâm coming with you,â she continued.Â
âWhat?â JJ wasnât one to be lost for words, but he couldnât say anything else.Â
âYou make me happy. When the world went to shit you were the one person I wanted to know was safe. You were there for me and my whole family in the darkest few months of our lives and you really cared about us. I donât care that we fought or that we will fight because being with you makes me happier than I ever thought possible.â
If she was going to say anything else, her words were swallowed up when he kissed her, hands cupping her cold cheeks. âI love you,â he said when she pulled back to breathe. âI never stopped. I didnât know how to fight for you, how to stay, but Iâll do better. I can be better.â
She pressed another kiss to his lips. âShut up, weâll figure it out. We can do it right this time.âÂ
Sometimes things die. Itâs a sad cycle. The brightest fires turn cold and gray. But with time, new sparks can settle in that bed of ash. With care a new fire can start, burning brighter than before. So, even though things sometimes die, sometimes those dead things lead to an even more beautiful beginning.
#obx#outer banks#jiara#jj x kiara#angst#tw: current events#set in 2020#jj maybank#kiara carrera#tw: minor character death#big sad#fics with liv#tw: cancer
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  LACHLAN EMERSON
(age.) one hundred fourteen (species.) vampire (occupation.) editor at blackwell media (residency.) arrived august 2019 (mirror.) michiel huisman
â Â a pavement of the past
Lachlan Emerson was born to a wealthy family with a father he wished he never had. Â Sure he was the reason Lachlan had a comfortable upbringing in Boston and why he was gifted with the education he was, but sometimes when his father was so drunk he had to carry him up the stairs he wished he was born into another family. Â From the outside the Emersonâs were perfect; a husband, wife and three sons of a prominent standing within the city, after all every man got drunk at a social event. On a day to day basis Mr Emerson maintained a functional level of drunk - if you hadnât seen him sober then you wouldnât know he was under the influence. Â But Lachlan had seen him sober and that was almost worse than when he wasnât quite drunk enough and screamed at his wife for hours. Â
If Lachlan really thought about it, he probably would have realised his interest in astronomy was an escape from his less than stellar home life. Â After all, what could be further away than the stars? Either way, he first got a taste of it at thirteen when a science lesson had him look through a telescope and find the top five constellations. Â For his birthday that year his family bought him his very own telescope and he used to stay up half the night gazing through it. His father had told him it was a phase that he would soon grow out of and it would have been a pleasure years later when Lachlan stood holding his degree in astronomy to say to him âI told you soâ - if the man wasnât too busy calling for this third bottle of wine.
By all means his father should have turned him off alcohol, but instead as Lachlan started a career for an astronomy journal he found himself enjoy a whiskey as he peered down the lense of his telescope or jotted down the latest findings. Â As the years went by one turned into two or three. By the mid 1930s his brothers had started their own families, leaving him in the estate with his mother and now ailing father. They had started incessantly asking him when he was going to find a wife and settle down but the very thought of it panicked him. Â So he decided to escape. He packed his bags and moved to a small town in the north of Maine; he was done with big city life.
Lachlan fell in love with the town, mostly because he had never seen the stars so brightly with his naked eye before and found that the best place to admire them was on the beach. Â It was there in his first month that he met Harlow Harding. Lachlan hadnât been planning more than a simple discussion between two strangers - that was of course until she confessed her love for astronomy. Â That was all it took for him to continue conversation and to agree to meet her again the next day. Her conversations about the stars were riveting and Lachlan thoroughly enjoyed them. He also learnt very quickly how naive and sheltered Harlow had been. Â In no time at all she was confiding everything about her life in him while he sat back and listened. The more they talked the closer they grew, from friends to lovers. Harlow was pretty and the ideas she had about the galaxy were ahead of their time. He had never meant to lead her on and he liked her a lot, but did he love her? Â No.
He had never intended for things to go as far as they did; sure he had told her that they could publish her findings together - both their names on the articles, but then he had received the letter. Â Reading that Harlow was with child sent him into a panic, so much so that he had immediately ripped up the paper and thrown it out before polishing off a whole bottle of whiskey. More came, from Harlowâs mother begging him to marry the girl to avoid scandal. Â But he wasnât ready for marriage and certainly not for a helpless being who relied upon his care. He knew deep down that he would only be another copy of his father. He ignored all the letters, surmising that the Harding estate was far enough out of town that he could avoid her. Â When the next deadline for the astronomy journal approached he toyed over whether to publish Harlowâs findings under his name. There was a part of him that would always feel guilty for that, but they were too important for the world not to know and no accredited paper would take the work of a woman alone.
Over the next two years life wasnât entirely smooth. Â While he never saw Harlow there had been words spoken about him by her and when confronted he felt the need to defend himself. Â He never saw them as direct lies - she had thrown herself at him, perhaps she was a little desperate? A little crazy from all that time spent at the estate alone? Â There were the good bits though, at least they were at the time. He hadnât meant to fall in love with Harlowâs older sister Pearl but it had happened and as he helped her through her grief for her dying husband he decided that it was time he grew up. Â When she became a widow he offered her his hand and she accepted. The dinner they hosted to announce the news was the most fearful he had been since he was a small child at the end of one of his fatherâs verbal outbursts, but it had been two years and Harlow had never seemed that into them anyway. Â It was the mother he was more worried about.
It quickly became clear at the dinner though that Harlow was, in fact, not over it. Â At least he presumed so from the plate she threw at him. Both he and Pearl tried to reason but it was impossible and Lachlan definitely grew to regret it all. Â As the dinner ended and they parted ways though Lachlan thought it would just make the wedding and family life more difficult, he had no idea the lengths that Harlow would go to or how bent on destroying him she was. Â When she was stood in front of him in a wedding dress covered in blood only hours later he realised how very wrong he had been about everything. He tried desperately to calm her and find out whose blood it was that coated her, but she merely tossed him about with a strength she shouldnât have possessed. Â Even as she took him to the estate and changed him he didnât understand what was going on, the only thing he understood that night was the remains of his fiance that had been left in a pile in front of him when he woke. It drove him into a rage and that along with the burning thirst made it too easy to escape his bonds and bounce on the two maids that had been left with him, draining them dry before he even realised what he had done.
Lachlan ran, as far away from Maine as he could get that night and left a trail of blood behind him. Â Any being he fell upon he drained, unable to understand or control the sudden lust for blood he had been given. Â During the day he slept in an abandoned shack, huddling away from the beams of sunlight that broke through. Becoming a vampire turned Lachlan mad and for a long time he failed to control his blood lust, barely scraping by as a semblance of a human in the darkness of the alleys he haunted. Â No one had taught him how to be a vampire and no one had ever explained it either.
It was another twenty-five years before he met another vampire who did more than stop and sneer at him. Â It took a while for her to earn Lachlanâs trust but eventually she took him under her wing and taught him how to control himself. Â Years later she often described it as walking into a hurricane and throwing down an anchor. Lachlan absolutely believed her words. Â Somehow she managed to find what little remnants of a human being still resided within him and brought him back. He remembered what it was like to actually live, to have passions and to have thoughts other than blood and death, even if they were still skewed sometimes.
When World War III broke out Lachlan and his mentor decided to fight, it was another of the many regrets in Lachlanâs life and he wished sometimes he could go back to those days and convince her not to do so. Â It was the early hours of the morning in the dead of winter when they were ambushed by a group too large and with so many weapons that even they couldnât best them. She went down first and the rage that exploded from within Lachlan made the others flee, leaving him cradling her body. Â It would have been all too easy for him to sink back down into permanent madness after that, but the vampire had given him more love and guidance than anyone so far in his life and after some wise words from a stranger in a bar he decided to keep going. To keep living, to try and stay in control and become a proper member of society. Â To do her proud. It partially worked, he had been alone and crazy for too long to be completely assimilated, but most people could overlook his moments. For several years after the war he etched out a living in Michigan, before heading north and settling in the safe haven of Haven, Ontario.
Eventually he fell back into his previous employment as an editor, working at one of Blackwell Mediaâs outposts up in Canada. Â Recently though he was offered a job at their home base of Hollow Grove and decided to take up the offer.
â Â the nature of the beast
Although his companion did wonders in making Lachlan act like a human again, he still has a lot of faults. Â Due to being utterly alone after he was turned and having spent over two decades this way Lachlan is somewhat mentally unstable. Â Most of the time he is lucid and in control, though has a tendency to become caught up in conspiracy theories. When under significant mental or emotional stress however Lachlan can lose touch with reality and become confused and agitated. Â In these periods he canât tell what is real and what isnât and will lash out at anyone and anything in his radius. To try and maintain control he meditates daily, finding the most solace in the night sky as he used to. While he obeys the rules of safe havens and uses blood bags, he prefers drinking straight from the source and has always found the illegal goings on of his residence.
He is scholarly, intelligent and well spoken and no matter where he moves in the world he requires a library within his house, no matter how small or large. Â His sense of humour is something that never came back quite right despite his companion trying; often he doesnât understand otherâs jokes and a lot of people donât understand his. Â Itâs a sense of humour that is warped and tends towards the dark side.
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New story in Politics from Time: President Trump Says He Wonât Declare a National Emergency to Get His Border Wall
(WASHINGTON) â President Donald Trump on Monday rejected the suggestion that he temporarily reopen government while negotiations continue on his proposed border wall, signaling no speedy resolution to the partial government shutdown now into a fourth week.
Leaving the White House for a trip to New Orleans, Trump said he had dismissed the proposal from Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham to reopen for several weeks and continue dealing with Democrats over Trumpâs long-promised wall on the U.S.-Mexico border.
âI did reject it, yes,â Trump said. âIâm not interested. I want to get it solved. I donât want to just delay it.â
Trump also backed further away from the idea of declaring a national emergency as an escape hatch, saying: âIâm not looking to call a national emergency. This is so simple we shouldnât have to.â
As Congress returned to Washington for their second week of legislative business since House control reverted to Democrats, the shutdown hit Day 24, affecting federal workers and services with no end in sight. Trump has demanded $5.7 billion for his long-promised wall, while Democrats, who oppose the wall as both immoral and wasteful, insist Trump re-open the government before they negotiate border security.
From the White House, Trump argued that he alone was ready to negotiate, noting that a group of House and Senate Democrats were touring hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico.
âA lot of the Democrats were in Puerto Rico celebrating something. I donât know, maybe theyâre celebrating the shutdown,â Trump said.
Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer were not on the trip to Puerto Rico. Pelosi spokesman Drew Hammill tweeted Monday: âSpeaker Pelosi has been in DC all weekend working from the Capitol.â
Trump also targeted Pelosi and Schumer on Twitter, arguing that the shutdown âhas become their, and the Democrats, fault!â But Trump weeks ago asserted that he would âownâ the shutdown and polls show that he is taking most of the blame.
Trump has kept Washington on edge over whether he would resort to an emergency declaration, citing what he says is a âcrisisâ of drug smuggling and the trafficking of women and children at the border. The president initially sounded as though such a move was imminent, but then pulled back. He has said several times since he first mentioned the idea in public this month that he prefers a legislative solution.
A key question is how much more time is Trump willing to give lawmakers. Graham, who spoke with Trump by telephone on Sunday morning, said the legislative path âis just about shut offâ and blamed intransigence by Pelosi.
The speakerâs office had no immediate comment.
Democrats oppose an emergency declaration but may be powerless to block it. Some Republicans are wary, too, fearing how a future Democratic president might use that authority. Such a move, should Trump ultimately go that route, would almost certainly be challenged in the courts.
Sen. Chris Coons, D-Del., called Grahamâs idea to reopen the government a âgreat place to start.â
âI do think if we reopen the government, if the president ends this shutdown crisis, we have folks who can negotiate a responsible, modern investment in technology that will actually make us safer,â Coons said.
Trump says technology is nice, but that the border canât be secured without a wall.
The White House has been laying the groundwork for an emergency declaration, which is feared by lawmakers in both parties.
Senate Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson, R-Wis., said heâd âhate to seeâ a declaration issued because the wall wouldnât get built, presumably because of legal challenges. Democrats voted in the past for border security and should again, he said.
âI actually want to see this wall get built,â Johnson said. âI want to keep pressure on Democrats to actually come to the negotiating table in good faith and fund what they have supported in the past.â
Graham favors a declaration and said the time for talk is running out.
âItâs the last option, not the first option, but weâre pretty close to that being the only option,â he said.
Graham and Coons spoke on âFox News Sundayâ and Johnson appeared on CNNâs âState of the Union.â
By CATHERINE LUCEY and DARLENE SUPERVILLE / AP on January 14, 2019 at 11:07AM
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No shutdown end in sight; Trump says ânever ever back downâ
WASHINGTON â President Donald Trump kept his hard line Monday on the partial government shutdown, now in a fourth week over his insistence on billions of dollars for a long, impregnable wall at the U.S. Mexico border.
âWhen it comes to keeping the American people safe, I will never, ever back down,â Trump said, repeating his strong view that the wall is needed on both security and humanitarian grounds. He spoke to farmers attending a convention in New Orleans.
As Congress returned to Washington for a second week of legislative business since House control reverted to Democrats, the shutdown hit Day 24, affecting federal workers and services. Trump has demanded $5.7 billion for his long-promised wall, while Democrats, who oppose the wall as both immoral and ineffective, insist Trump re-open the government before they negotiate further border security.
Before leaving for the speech, Trump said he had dismissed a proposal from Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham to reopen the government for several weeks and continue dealing with Democrats over money for the wall.
âI did reject it, yes,â Trump said. âIâm not interested. I want to get it solved. I donât want to just delay it.â
Trump also backed further away from the idea of declaring a national emergency as an escape hatch, saying: âIâm not looking to call a national emergency. This is so simple we shouldnât have to.â
From the White House, Trump argued that he alone was ready to negotiate, noting that a group of House and Senate Democrats were touring hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico.
âA lot of the Democrats were in Puerto Rico celebrating something. I donât know, maybe theyâre celebrating the shutdown,â Trump said.
Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer were not on the trip to Puerto Rico. Pelosi spokesman Drew Hammill tweeted Monday: âSpeaker Pelosi has been in DC all weekend working from the Capitol.â
Trump asserted weeks ago that he would âownâ the shutdown, and polls show that he is taking most of the blame from Americans. But he now blames his political foes. He targeted Pelosi and Schumer Monday on Twitter, arguing that the shutdown âhas become their, and the Democrats, fault!â
Trump has kept Washington on edge over whether he would resort to an emergency declaration, citing what he says is a âcrisisâ of drug smuggling and the trafficking of women and children at the border. The president initially sounded as though such a move was imminent, but then pulled back. He has said several times since he first mentioned the idea in public this month that he prefers a legislative solution.
A key question is how long Trump is willing to hold out in hopes of extracting concessions from Democrats. Graham, who spoke with Trump by telephone on Sunday morning, said the legislative path âis just about shut offâ and blamed intransigence by Pelosi.
The speakerâs office had no immediate comment.
Democrats oppose an emergency declaration and would likely challenge the move in court. Some Republicans are wary, too, fearing how a future Democratic president might use that authority.
Sen. Chris Coons, D-Del., called Grahamâs idea to reopen the government a âgreat place to start.â
âI do think if we reopen the government, if the president ends this shutdown crisis, we have folks who can negotiate a responsible, modern investment in technology that will actually make us safer,â Coons said.
Trump says technology is nice, but that the border canât be secured without a wall.
The White House has been laying the groundwork for an emergency declaration, which is feared by lawmakers in both parties.
Senate Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson, R-Wis., said heâd âhate to seeâ a declaration issued because the wall wouldnât get built, presumably because of legal challenges. Democrats voted in the past for border security and should again, he said.
âI actually want to see this wall get built,â Johnson said. âI want to keep pressure on Democrats to actually come to the negotiating table in good faith and fund what they have supported in the past.â
Graham favors a declaration and said the time for talk is running out.
âItâs the last option, not the first option, but weâre pretty close to that being the only option,â he said.
Graham and Coons spoke on âFox News Sundayâ and Johnson appeared on CNNâs âState of the Union.â
from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/01/14/no-shutdown-end-in-sight-trump-says-never-ever-back-down/
from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/01/14/no-shutdown-end-in-sight-trump-says-never-ever-back-down/
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