#it's not their influence that let her do it either

[copper-16]

Remind Me That There’s A Room To Grow Part 3

Broken, rueful, and mended as it should have been.

(a/n: Part 3, here we come! Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting on these, I'm so grateful! Reminder for anyone who likes a musical touch that you can find the Spotify playlist here, if you would like. Please enjoy this part, and I would love to hear your feedback about the note at the end!)

Alexia sat on that damn park bench for God knows how long. 

She didn’t care if she got no sleep or looked absolutely insane sitting there for hours on end. The things you had told her rattled around in her brain disconcertedly, unending every single thought that attempted to interrupt. The brunette had gone from feeling like she was the most stable and vindicated person on the planet to a feeling as though she were a shell of herself. 

This whole time, there had been so much more to the story than she ever could have imagined. And though she knew it really wasn’t their fault, resentment flared within her at how quick Eli and Alba were to blame you for everything. 

Everything in Alexia felt anguished. Just thinking about looking at your face made the Catalan feel nauseous, stuck on how distraught you had been. It wasn’t as though she could blame you either, not when she had been so irate. 

She had allowed herself to be influenced by every single person around her instead of trusting you, as she always had. She should have trusted herself, should have trusted the fact that she knew something was wrong. The last nine years had been spent giving you the benefit of the doubt, but when it came to it, she had treated you with such animosity. 

Never in a million years had she expected the reasoning behind all of this. 

Cancer. It seemed impossible for someone who was only eighteen years old, but it wasn’t as though stranger things hadn’t occurred. Now all Alexia managed to think of was how scared and alone you must have felt. She had lost you, but she did so when she was chasing her dreams. You had to watch her leave you behind because of a situation entirely out of your hands. 

All this time where she had felt abandoned, and in reality it was the other way around. 

What an absolutely fucked up situation. 

When the footballer finally stood, a chill wrapped around her and caused her to shiver violently. She didn’t remember it getting cold, but it wasn’t as though she cared about the temperature when her mind was a ruction of emotions. 

She booked it back to her car, driving herself toward her Mami’s house in what would have been considered a fury. The brunette knew that her sister was there as well, so she could kill two birds with one stone.  

When she arrived, the brunette barged through the door with no care at all for the hinges, her inner turmoil gathering and growing with each and every step she took. She found her family in the kitchen, enjoying some dessert with a glass of wine in each of their hands. 

“You were wrong,” Alexia seethed, almost heady with the amount of wrath she felt within her. Eli and Alba both turned to her in an instant, instantly confused at the animosity in her tone. It was so rare to hear the brunette truly upset in the way she was right now, and they glanced at each other for a second before they turned to Alexia fully. 

“What happened?” Alba asked, very confused as to what her sister was talking about. They had no idea that the pair of you had talked, but Alexia didn’t care to give them context. 

“You both blamed her for leaving me behind, you made her out to be the villain and she never was! This was all of your fault, how could you do this to me? How could you twist my mind in such a way?” Alexia snapped, her whole body tense with rage. 

“Alexia, what the hell are you talking about?” Alba demanded, understanding dawning on the subject her sister spoke about but still confused as to the circumstances. 

“She was fucking sick, you two. She let me go alone because she had cancer, and she didn’t want me to have to live through it when I was moving away. She broke up with me so I could go chase my dreams and build my career without being bogged down. She gave up her own happiness so that I could have my own,” the brunette spat, her face red with exertion. Whether it was to keep her anger inwards or to stop the tears that burned in the back of her eyes, the Catalan was unsure.   

“She did it to protect me, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt for her decision for a decade before you two got so defensive and twisted my mind. She was never the selfish person you made her out to be, she was always the most selfless, empathetic, compassionate of all of us!” Alexia argued, and she seemed only to be growing more and more in her anger. 

“Alexia–” Eli tried to interrupt, but she was quickly cut off. 

“No! I don’t even want to hear you two attempt to explain yourselves. I don’t want to hear it. I loved her, I love her now, and I’ve fucked it all up with your words in my mouth! She left the conversation in tears, she told me to leave her alone. If you two hadn’t been so horrible about the whole thing, I never would have been so skeptical in the first place!” Alexia was ready to burst at the seams, and she couldn’t handle it. 

“Now Ale, we only did that because we wanted to protect y–” Alba attempted to interject, failing just as her mother had. 

“I don’t even want to hear it! I am so angry at the two of you, especially considering that you hardly let me get a word in edgewise about her character. She grew up with us, she loves us, and she trusted you with her heart just as much as you trusted her with mine. So don’t sit there and say anything, but maybe think about your own actions!” Alexia finally demanded, her words fervent in manner. 

When her mother and sister said nothing but looked at her in shock, the brunette shook her head and chuckled austerely, not a trace of humor in her tone. 

“God, and now you don’t even have anything to say for yourselves,” she looked around at her mother’s kitchen as she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. The midfielder was aware she was only redirecting her anger onto two people whose blame was minimal, but the affliction in her heart needed somewhere to go. 

“I have to go, I will talk to you two later,” Alexia said after a second, defeat heavy in her expression as the anger began to drain out of her. It was replaced by an excruciating misery that weighed on her shoulders exactingly, as though it knew that she was really the one to blame in all of this. 

She felt as though she had lead in her shoes as she walked out to her car. The drive back to her apartment was done in complete silence, the Catalan unable to deal with anything other than the chaos in her mind. 

She barely made it one step in the door before the first sob bubbled up her throat. She finally allowed herself to succumb to it, sobbing so hard that her ribs ached and her eyes swelled, and she had nobody to blame for everything except for herself. 

—

Every single person on the team could immediately tell something was wrong with Alexia when she showed up at training the next day. 

Alexia had always been the most dedicated of them all, relentless in her pursuit to be better. She was endlessly pushing herself and those around her to be their best selves, and it paid off. The team worked hard, and they looked better than ever. The Catalan had helped to lift them from relative obscurity into a team that people feared to play, and as much as Vicky was their fearless leader, every single player would tell you that the Catalan was their beating heart. 

But today? Well, today the brunette looked about two steps away from death as she walked into the changing room.  

Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Her hair was mildly unkempt, her skin sullen, the bags under her eyes endlessly listless. She kept her head down, and changed as though she wished she could curl up into a ball and never be seen again. The midfielder was usually a quiet person, but today she seemed…unobservant. 

Somehow, that made all of it seem worse. 

Jenni and Mariona were instantly alarmed because they knew what had happened, while the other girls were both confused and in a state of shock. Nobody had ever seen Alexia this clearly upset, considering the fact that she typically kept things close to her chest. 

To be this outwardly downtrodden was incomprehensible, to the point where the rest of the team wasn’t sure how to act toward her. They all seemed to avoid her as though she was radioactive, and she made no attempt to engage with any of them. 

Jenni, Mariona, and Vicky, however, had no problem marching over to the Catalan as they created a concerned cocoon around her. 

“What happened Alexia?” Vicky questioned gently, only to receive nothing short of the death glare back from Jenni and Mariona in response. 

“How did it go?” Mariona amended quietly, hopeful that they might have been able to draw out some sort of reaction from the midfielder. It was clear the conversation had not gone well, but they did not know why. 

And sure enough, Alexia’s entire face flashed into something nearly venomous, and she shook her head with what looked to be a clearly concerted effort to remain in control. 

“Nothing. I would appreciate it if everyone left me alone and we could conduct training as normal, like we are supposed to be doing,” she managed to grit out pointedly, her voice bolstered with hostility and malice. The three women looked around at each other, none of them in the least bit convinced, but the mutually agreed upon decision seemed to be that they clearly weren’t going to get anything out of the brunette right now. 

The midfielder was a monster at training that day, and not in a good way. 

Every single ball was launched with a lethal ferocity. Every single pass was too hard, every single first touch sloppy and heavy.  

None of the movements were reminiscent of the Alexia that everyone had come to know. It wasn’t great football, it wasn’t even good football. The midfielder was clearly angry at something, and the longer practice went on, the worse it got. The Catalan was frustrated with herself, bitter and enraged at how she seemed unable to play with any ounce of grace. 

It felt ironically similar to how she seemed unable to converse with you without accusation, a thought she was ruefully reminded of. 

It was when she sent a ball flying angled toward Caro’s head that Vicky and Marta finally pulled the midfielder aside brashly. The captain of the team had taken one look at their manager, whose expression agreed with her own, to know what needed to be done. 

“You’re done for the day,” Vicky stated without an ounce of discussion left in the conversation. Alexia certainly wasn’t in the mood to be ordered around as she decisively brushed them off. 

“I’m fine, we still have another half hou–” The brunette was cut off without even managing to finish her sentence. 

“No. You are done, you’re going to go back to the changing room and take a long shower. You’re going to get dressed and go home and process whatever you’re trying to avoid right now by almost murdering your teammates,” the Barcelona captain dictated with even greater finality, her eyebrow raised as though she dared the younger woman to argue with her. 

Alexia looked posed to respond, but when she caught Marta looking back at the Norwegian with worried eyes, she felt the fight drain out of her. The older Spaniard had always had a sweet spot for the nervous Wolfsburg transfer, and seeing it right in front of her eyes made her deflate like a balloon. 

She knew that look. 

She had lived that look before, when she hadn’t fucked all of this up seven ways to Sunday. 

With a reluctant, apologetic glance at Marta, the midfielder nodded her head. She turned on her heels, much to the surprise of her co-captains, who were honestly expecting more of a pushback. 

As they watched the midfielder walk off the pitch, they stared at the way her body seemed to curl in on herself, almost as though the brunette couldn’t bear to stand up straight as she stared down at her feet. 

“What the hell happened?” Marta asked Vicky as she looked over at her captain. But the Barcelona captain was unable to tear her eyes away from Alexia’s retreating form until it disappeared into the building. It was only then that she looked over at Jenni, who hovered a short distance away from them with a look of unease on her face. 

Vicky shook her head before she turned back to the pitch. 

“I honestly have no idea,” she replied curtly as she made direct eye contact with Jenni, who seemed to understand the silent request of her captain as she turned back toward practice. 

When the team filed in after training was done, Alexia and all of her stuff were gone, nowhere to be seen. 

—

Nine years. 

You had lived with the grief of losing her for nine years. You would never change your mind on the decision, but God did it feel as though you were sucking the blood out of your body. Even all of these years later, it still stung to think about how much you had lost in that moment. 

Alexia took every ounce of happiness and peace with her when she left. While you still had other friends, you were by no means alone, it was never the same without her there. You hardly had to speak a single word for the brunette to understand where your mind was at. There was a closeness to the two of you that was impossible to replace. It hadn’t been the same after she had left, no longer having a confidant who held space for you. 

Your father, while a lovely man, was never terribly involved in your life. He loved you, but having children was never his dream, and with how much he worked, you rarely saw him. It was a loss that you didn’t feel rather acutely, especially not when Jaume had swept you into his orbit through your friendship with Alexia. He had loved you like a daughter, and you cherished him for it in a way you had never managed with your own father. 

Your two younger brothers, Leo and Adan, had struggled when you had gotten sick. They always looked up to you as their protector and ring leader. Seeing you unable to help, organize, and work as you usually did was strange for them, especially considering the fact that they were only fifteen and fourteen at the time. And while you spent much of your childhood watching over them with a loving gaze, it was your mother who stepped up to take care of them more. 

Your mother Paula was a lovely, exuberant woman, if not a touch frazzled. She was a better entertainer than she was a mother, but there was no question she loved the three of you. The two of you had been a team in helping to raise the boys, because while your mother had wisdom you were steadfast in your ability to calm. You had been a significant help in raising the two boys, and your mother had come to rely on you as a result. It had all gotten thrown out of place when you had gotten sick. Your mother tried to pick up the slack, bless her, but she struggled. She did as best as she could until you were declared cancer free, and able to help pick up some of the slack that had been created. It helped that your brothers were compassionate and kind, never one to try and cause too much trouble. 

Your mother passed away just a few years ago because of a brain aneurysm, much to the devastation of your father. While you missed her terribly, you never needed her for stability and strength. That was found on your own. 

Chemo treatments were mostly done on your own, a book and a sick bag in hand. It was a tough three months, but you made it through with as big of a smile as you could muster. A friend would accompany you occasionally, but they never quite knew what to do when they were there with you. Not that you faulted them for it, but it only made you more exhausted having to entertain on top of feeling ill. 

After a grueling few months, the tumor had shrunk enough to be surgically removed, and a few rounds of radiation killed off the last of it. It had been less than a year to get rid of everything, though in your mind it had felt much longer. 

Overall, the treatment had gone well from a medical perspective. You had responded well and were declared to be in remission swiftly. You were young and otherwise healthy, making you the perfect candidate to respond to treatment. 

That didn’t seem to account for the ache that persisted deep in your chest, but it wasn’t as a result of your sickness. The sense of loss that pervaded your mind for years afterward was impossible to banish. You had not made a mistake, and yet your mind and body betrayed you with a wanton amount of unearned yearning.

There was a restlessness that existed within you, a restlessness that needed to be solved and yet had nowhere to go.  

You had begun university toward the end of your treatments and sped through a track in finance, turning heads each and every way you went. There was always a level of intelligence to you that you were aware of, but investment analysis and management came naturally to you it seemed. 

Though you had the opportunity to go earlier, you waited dutifully for your brothers to finish school and go off to university before you left your hometown. Leo ended up in Valencia for school, and a year later Adan made the decision to stay in Madrid for his degree. 

Once you were certain your brothers were settled, you began to dig for opportunities in your own career. The work you had put in paid off, and you had offers not only in Spain but France, Italy, the United States as well. 

You didn’t care about any of that, though. You took the one job that put you directly in Barcelona and decided to figure it out from there. 

There was a safety and security to being in the same city as Alexia, even if she had no clue you were there. You were thankful for the move, honestly, thankful for the opportunity to meet new friends and build your own life. The sun forever shined and the city was exciting and vibrant, devoid of the reminders that face you everywhere in Madrid. 

Both of your brothers ended up staying in or returning to Madrid, living near your mother until her death and trying to stay vaguely connected to your father. He had struggled immensely in the wake of her passing, but both Leo and Adan never seemed to mind stepping in to keep him on the right path. 

By all logical standards, you had a wonderful life. An amazing group of friends, a job you really enjoyed, hobbies you found interesting. It felt like the whole package of what someone would want in their life. 

But you found in the morning after your talk with Alexia, there was nothing you wanted to do with this life. You simply wanted to be left alone to rot, and you found that you didn’t care who disagreed. The longing in your heart threatened to swallow you whole, your hatred for your decisions every single day of the last nine years. 

You had finally been honest with Alexia, you had told her the truth…but was it worth it? 

Based on the feeling inside of you right now, it wasn’t worth it. 

You would have taken anger over devastation on her face any day. 

You loved her too much to care about your own peace of mind. 

And yet…

—

Alexia nearly jumped out of her skin when she unlocked the door of her apartment, only to find that Jenni was sitting on her couch with a glass of lemonade and a raised brow. The midfielder did a complete double take, confounded when she reminded herself that the door had in fact been locked before she came in here.  

“How the hell did you get in here?” The Catalan asked with confusion as her heart rate struggled to return to an acceptable level. She looked around her apartment with a perplexed glint to her expression, as though she expected to find the answer laying in front of her in the form of a crowbar or something. 

“Oh please, we’ve been friends for many years. We are both allowed to have our little secrets, no?” Jenni diverted, and Alexia shook her head instantly, looking toward the striker with a lost expression. 

“What – no?! That doesn’t mean you get to break into my apartment! How did you even get in her–” 

“This is not the point of this conversation, Alexia,” Jenni cut her friend off easily, ignoring how bewildered the brunette was as a result of her surprise appearance. The striker settled, a concerned look flashing across her features. “You fucked up that conversation, didn’t you?” 

“You’re not allowed to just barge in here whenever you want!” Alexia spat, a sudden rush of anger coursing through her at Jenni’s words. Defensiveness coursed through her veins with a fury, and nobody had managed to pin her down for long enough to have a real conversation with her. 

Until now, apparently. 

When the raven-haired woman leveled her with a disbelieving stare, the Catalan’s shoulders collapsed just slightly. When Jenni wanted something, she was like a dog with a bone. She would stop at absolutely nothing to get it, and the midfielder knew there was no way of getting out of this conversation with anger or deflections. She sighed forcefully, settling her keys down on her kitchen counter and pressing her head into her hands. 

“I did,” she conceded after a moment, her voice shaky and impossibly quiet. When she finally looked up, the torment inside her entire body seemed to reflect in her expression. Jenni felt horrible, seeing how torn up her friend was. 

“I fucked everything up Jenni, everything. I came into it with so much aggression and fear, and made all these accusations I don’t even really think I meant,” she admitted with a humorless chuckle, an echo of agony in her words. 

Silence cascaded around them, the air thick with regret and despondency. 

“She was sick,” Alexia revealed after a moment. She glanced up at Jenni, struggling to control herself. “She was sick, and so she broke things off because she couldn’t leave, but she wanted me to. She saved my career, made a sacrifice for my own happiness, and in return I screamed horrible things at her. What kind of person does that make me?” Alexia pleaded, her voice cracking over the last sentence. 

Jenni thought about the question for a moment before she shook her head and looked back at Alexia. There was a compassion in her expression, and the Catalan forced herself to look away in the face of it. She didn’t deserve it. 

“It makes you human, Alexia,” the raven-haired woman countered, her words soft and sympathetic, almost saccharine in their amount of sweetness. 

“No it doesn’t,” Alexia grumbled under her breath, but Jenni was quick to continue. 

“Yes it does. You did not have all the information at the time. And okay, you said some things you regret? Go apologize for them then! You made a mistake, and you feel remorse, Alexia. That in and of itself means that there is love and compassion in your heart.” 

“And if she doesn’t accept that apology?” Alexia shot back, fighting to be kind as she was gripped with fear. She looked over at Jenni with a flame in her eyes, anything to hide how upset she truly was. It was easier to mask it than it was to face it, after all. 

“Then she doesn’t accept the apology, and life moves on. But you won’t know if you don’t even bother to try,” Jenni offered as she walked over and placed a hand on her friend's shoulder comfortingly. 

“Forgive yourself enough to give her the opportunity to forgive you. If she was in your spot, you would do the same. If she cares as much about you as you say she does, I think you have a fighting chance,” the striker suggested, her voice gentle. The brunette remained deep in thought, thinking hard about Jenni’s words. The raven-haired woman let herself out before Alexia could even formulate a response. 

And while there were a lot of thoughts swirling around in Alexia’s mind, perhaps the top of the list was that she really, really needed to get a locksmith to her apartment. 

—

It was a thought that often consumed the brunette as her career began to take off. It had been a question, something that weighed on her mind in the dark of night when she lay alone. 

Was it worth it? 

The duty to herself, to her career pulled at her endlessly. Everyone around her was dedicated to their career, putting it above their family at nearly all cost. And she understood, she wanted to be the best. The pull to change the sport, to leave a legacy behind that made women’s football better than where she had started. 

But what was the cost? 

How many family dinners had she missed? How many birthdays? How many celebrations? 

How many moments had she missed, even just the mundane, small things in life. How many inside jokes and how much late night laughter had evaded her because of this choice? 

And she knew that her family loved her, and that they understood how important her career was to her. But it never took away from the fact that she was gone often. That unlike her teammates and peers, she spent the least amount of time with her family as the years had passed. Whereas many of her friends grew more committed to their families, getting married and even having children, football had become her sole focus in life.  

Other than you, she had never been in a committed relationship with anyone. Her friendships were from football, everything in her life had revolved around football. Protecting her image, embracing the game, doing whatever she could to advance the team and herself to perfection. 

It wasn’t until you had stumbled back into her life that suddenly she remembered what it had been like to live a life. And sure, she knew that her career was different now, much more intense. But the Catalan also knew that you never would have allowed her to become so overwhelmingly immersed into her career. 

It was less the time commitment and more the mindset she approached her career with that had changed in your absence. Alexia had always assumed that in order to be the best, she had to be so devoted to football in every aspect of her entire life. That there was no room outside of it for distractions. 

Her friends hadn’t become worse because they had loved ones, because they took a step back. They were still dedicated, but also well rested and prepared. 

The two of you had been together for so many years, and then football had been the thing to divide you. It was Alexia’s career that had been prioritized above you, a decision that you had made and believed in. 

Had you really ever thought you were more important than football? 

Had she done that? Had she felt that you were more important than football? 

All she could think of was how you were sick and alone, a burden to bear alone when you should have been loved and supported. 

Alexia was not angry that you hadn’t told her, not by a long shot. But she was furious with the circumstances, with her own choices, with everything else in the situation besides you. 

You had meant so much to her, and she had let you go without any recourse. She never even considered that there was so much depth to the decision you had made. 

And now here she stood, trying to pick up the pieces of something that had gone from broken to shattered entirely. 

Alexia knew that she loved you. 

That she still loves you, even after all this time. There were parts of a person that never changed, and she saw it in your expression. 

Even after all this time. 

Her career came first in every aspect of her life, but maybe just this once it didn’t have to. Maybe some personal happiness was deserved, maybe it could be her choice to try and fix this. 

Maybe she deserved a break, or some peace, or to undo all of the mistakes she had made in the last decade. Maybe the choice she made here would make her better, and not worse. 

The brunette had no idea if you still loved her anymore, not after the appalling things she had said, but she couldn’t let it go without at least trying to get you back. 

She had lost you once, and she wasn’t prepared to let it happen again without a fight. 

—

Alexia can’t bring herself to pick up the phone and dial, so she took the coward's way out and texted you to ask for your address. 

Much to her surprise, you answered her. It’s nothing more than the address rattled off, but it’s there. The brunette felt her heart constrict for a moment at the thought that it wasn’t really your address, that you had sent her a fake location. 

But at the same time, even if that were the case, a part of her would understand. For all the years that she had been hurt and alone and yearning desperately for you, it had been the same for you. 

The choice you had made was impossible, indescribable even, and Alexia knows in her heart that her career wouldn’t be where it was without your sacrifice. You had sacrificed your own dream so that she could live hers, and when it all came back to the two of you all these years later, she had completely desecrated that sacrifice without a second thought. 

She continued to be appalled with herself over that entire conversation. It was all she saw every time she closed her eyes, the words she had said rattling around in her brain all night long. 

The look on your face as she dug herself into a deeper hole, filled with disregard for how much care you had tried to give the situation. It was never going to be perfect, but you had tried to be perfect. And in that moment, she had acted as though it wasn’t enough. 

It was. 

You had always been more than enough for her, regardless of whether you two were together or not. 

Every single time she had laid in bed since, memories both good and bad of the two of you had pooled in her eyes, rolling down her cheek and escaping onto the pillow beneath her. 

She had lost her curiosity inside the ferocity of her own judgement, and she regretted it with every molecule inside of her. She regretted it so much that it made her feel physically ill, to the point where she no longer cared about being appropriate or saving face. 

It was late in the evening when she drove over to your apartment. She had a plan to go on Sunday morning, but it was Friday night and her self restraint had ground away until it no longer existed. 

The Catalan took the steps two at a time up to the third floor, knowing that each moment likely brought her closer to you. She hoped it did, at least. It was highly possible that you were out with friends or doing something fun, as you should be. 

But still hope gripped her with a strength she was unaware she ever had. Loving you was never the detractor she had spent the last decade convincing herself it was, but was where she got her strength. 

Loving you had breathed life into her and she was silly to have ever thought differently. 

She knocked on the door to your apartment before she could stop herself from overthinking every single one of her life choices. Her knuckles struck against the wooden door exactly three times, each one more forceful than the lost. 

The brunette waited with everything in her for the sound of anything in the wake of knocking. Any movement, any sign of life, anything. The seconds felt like hours and years as her heart rammed its way into her throat. 

And then she heard it, the softness of your voice as you called out that you were coming. 

Alexia was known for being a stoic person, never one to overly show emotion. She kept everything close to her chest, and rarely did she express how she was feeling. It took hours of knowing her, and even then she was still hesitant to show weakness. 

But the tears were pooling in her eyes even before you opened the door. 

And there you were. 

Standing in your pajamas, a book in your hand and an expression of mild surprise at the sight of Alexia nearly in tears at your door. It certainly wasn’t what you were expecting, though you knew the footballer had your address.  

“Ale?” You questioned softly, your voice barely there. The brunette swallowed thickly, trying and failing to conjure an apologetic smile. 

“I am sorry…I meant to come later but I couldn’t…wait,” she finished lamely, rather breathless as she fought to keep the pressure in her throat from turning into full blown sobs. You stared at her for a second, at how tense she was, at the anxiety written across her face. After you had tucked some of the hair away from your face, you stepped back into your apartment and widened the opening of the door. 

“Would you like to come in?” You proposed, and the footballer took your offer up with a shaky nod of her head. 

The brunette trailed after you further into the apartment. It was a large apartment, but it felt cozy and lived in. Half-burned candles and ear-marked books were strewn around the space, and a throw blanket could be found on every surface. 

She remembered that you had always run cold. When the two of you were young and in love, she would whisper to you about the warmth Barcelona would offer, even as she provided you plenty of her own body heat as she laid curled around you. 

“Alexia?” You probed lightly, and she shook her head as she glanced up, realizing that she had let her mind wander. Concern and compassion stared right back at her. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” she replied harshly, trying and failing to be discreet as she wiped at her eyes. 

“You don’t have to be,” you said delicately, gesturing toward the couch. “Why don’t we sit down?” 

You couldn’t help but realize that right now with just one look at Alexia, you already forgave her. Every line etched into her skin was written with devastation and contrition. Somewhere deep within you knew how she felt, and knew that she did not mean the things she had said. 

There was so much information to process, so much confusion and chaos, that you had both lost yourselves. 

Maybe there was an opportunity to be found again. 

You weren’t going to let the weakness of one moment detract from the opportunity that lay in front of you. 

You led her over to the couch, and the pair of you settled down across from one another. You sat with your back against one arm of the couch, while Alexia was across from you, her hands on her knees. Her knuckles were nearly white, and you wished in that moment to reach out and soothe the ache in her heart, even if you knew that you couldn’t. When the midfielder turned toward you, all you found facing you was suppliance. 

“I cannot explain to you how sorry I am,” she whispered, her voice choked with emotion. “I had no idea the sacrifice you had made for me, I had no idea that there was so much more behind all of this. I was foolish to believe that you broke up with me over something selfish or petty.” 

She seemed to bite her words back, as though her self-loathing was simply too great of a burden to contain for a moment. When she settled, the Catalan continued. 

“I never should have spoken to you that way. The truth is that I’ve spent the last nine years missing you, thinking about you, unable to get myself over the years we spent together. It feels as though you’ve been out of my life as long as you were in it, and I hate that. I hate that I haven’t been able to grow with you. I hate that when I lay awake at night I miss you with an ache I cannot even begin to describe to you. I hate that I wasn’t able to be there for you when you needed me. I hate that your sacrifice probably saved my career, even though I wish with everything in me that I was there for you when you needed me,” Alexia finally admitted, deciding to be nothing but brutally honest. 

“And I won’t lie to you and say there haven’t been other women in the years without you, but God it never compared to you. I didn’t give a shit about any of them, and I never really expected to. You’re intertwined within my soul in a way I don’t even fully understand, and living without you feels like walking around missing a limb. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over you, and I tried to force football down my throat because if it was the reason I lost you, it had to be worth it.” 

“I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss the way you roll your eyes at me when I do something ridiculous, or how patient you are with me when I get frustrated. I still find myself looking for you in every crowd, at every family gathering, everywhere. When I finally did see you again, it felt like a fever dream. The one thing I’ve wanted for the last nine years was granted to me, and there you were.” 

“You were standing there so perfectly and in one piece, and inexplicably, you seem to care about me still. I never could have imagined that happening, even if I dreamt about it every single night of my life that you haven’t been in,” Alexia continued, allowing herself to take a deep breath and center herself. Frustration passed over her face for a moment, entirely  

“I fucked this up royally, I know. I let the fear in my heart and the fear that those around me held get in the way of seeing the truth, and I need you to know how sorry I am. I never should have treated you that way. I never should have acted toward you with such hostility. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know that everything I said, I don’t believe. You are brave and wonderful and empathetic, and so, so, extraordinary. Please do not let anyone else ever say that you are not,” Alexia urged, looking at you with such clear intent you couldn’t tear your eyes away. 

“I still love you, Flori. I think that I always will. My heart knows what it means to love and be loved by you, and nothing will ever compare to that feeling. My heart was always yours to break, and I don’t care if you do it once or twice or a million times. All I know is that even if you don’t feel the same way, I need you to know that I love you,” Alexia said with finality, barely able to see against the blur of tears that swarmed in her eyes. 

You stood up from your end of the couch slowly while her eyes tracked every single one of your movements. You walked closer to her, settling down next to her as closely as you could while you reached over to place your shaking hands against the frame of her face. 

“You big, blithering idiot, of course I still love you,” you whispered fiercely, your face scrunched up somewhere between disbelief and teasing. Alexia let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was even holding, the entire upper half of her body collapsing into you. 

It was easy for you to catch the brunette, cradling her against you as she sobbed without restraint against you. It was easy to rock her back and forth softly, while you whispered sweet nothings into her ears. And it was just as easy to pull her away from you and utter the words she never thought she would hear. 

“I forgive you, and of course I still love you Ale. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and you still are. I’m right here, and I don’t plan on going anywhere, if you’ll have me. We might have lost our chance when we were young, but maybe we can have another one?” You proposed hopefully, almost with disbelief. Neither of you ever expected for this to be anywhere near possible, but here you both were. 

The Catalan’s expression broke entirely, silent tears rolling down her cheeks in defiance as she placed a hand on your arm and held it tightly. 

“I’m here,” was all she could manage, but it was enough. 

You leaned into her slowly as you glanced down at her lips, giving her time to pull away. It was a concern you needn't be worried about when she met you halfway, the feeling one of muscle memory even after all this time. You could taste the salt from her tears and yours as you kissed her. 

“Please stay,” you murmured through the ball in your throat as you pulled away just a touch, and Alexia gripped you impossibly tighter as she pulled you into a hug. 

For the first time in nine years, you fell asleep that night with the footballer’s body curled around your own, the feel of her chest breathing steadily against your back as she held you in her arms with content. 

It was the first time in a long while that you had felt warm enough when going to sleep, and hope ballooned inside you fervently. 

(a/n: So…anyone up for parts 4-10?)

[bwat5-blog]

Reality Check: Caitlyn & Vi

**Spoilers For Arcane**

Alrighty. This won't be too long as it doesn't need to be but I am seeing a lot of the same nonsense lately and it is bugging me. For anyone who hasn't seen me say so a million times already, Vi is my favorite character. She has been since the show started for a variety of reasons.

And in truth although I greatly enjoyed Caitlyn's story and she grew much more engaging to me in season two, I was never nearly as invested in her. But My. God. The amount of absolute nuclear grade bull-shit that has been used to try and demonize her has made me talk about her SO MUCH MORE than I ever intended. So I wanted to address something.

The Hit:

Okay. Let's talk about this real quick because people have really latched on to this. It it okay or acceptable that Caitlyn hit Vi?

Obviously Not

And Caitlyn doesn't think so either. Look at her face just before she turns. But there is an OCEAN of factors at play here influencing Caitlyn and Vi both and it is about a million miles from being as simple as that. I'm not getting into all of that here I have done it many times already. But to address a few points:

This is the only time she hits Vi knowingly in anger. The second time she doesn't have any idea who Vi is. The third time is part of a plan Vi is quite clearly on board with. Stop exaggerating.

Vi forgave Caitlyn way too easily for this!"-

Okay. Like I said it isn't about making this okay. And it isn't about some sort of trauma Olympics as I've seen it called. But we need to remember some things that Vi certainly would.

Even if at the time it was for her own purposes Caitlyn got her out of prison when she really had no hope of ever being free

Caitlyn saved her life repeatedly in Zaun when she barely knew her and owed her nothing

Caitlyn offered herself in Vi's place before she knew the firelights were friendly

Caitlyn gave Ekko the gemstone and was going to let him present it to the council

Caitlyn stood side by side with Vi and told the council to their faces they had failed all of Zaun

Jinx abducted and terrorized Caitlyn after nearly killing her, all for her proximity to Vi

Caitlyn spared Jinx when Vi begged her to and it cost her her mother

As far as we see and are made aware, Caitlyn never blames or tries to put that on Vi

Caitlyn apologizes to Vi for springing the badge, clearly feels guilty and is honest that she is afraid she or Jinx will die if Vi doesn't come

When they do see each other again, Caitlyn immediately is on board with helping Vi save her family

When Jinx surrenders herself into custody Caitlyn doesn't send her to Stillwater and doesn't immediately try and execute her when she could have. Instead waiting for Vi to wake up

Clears the path for Vi to free Jinx and escape if she chooses. Putting her love for Vi over her hatred of Jinx

Like I said. This isn't about justification. There is no justifying physically harming someone you love. But there is a world of difference between doing something terrible in a TERRIBLE moment and being a chronic domestic abuser like some of you are saying Caitlyn is. And as far as I'm concerned, Vi knows exactly who Caitlyn really is, and chose love and forgiveness.

[andr33yy]

got another one for you 😁 what do you think their mothers would think of their relationship? would erik’s mom like charles? would charles’ mom approve of erik? (in an au where they actually live long enough to meet each other)

(God, I love your questions)

Let's begin. I will set this as a lowkey modern day AU, cuz I daydream a lot, but I'm also realistic about the conditions they grew up. *cough* the 60's *cough*

I believe Charles’s mom would be homophobic as fuck. Yk, knowing in what family conditions Charles grew up (abusive step dad/brother, alchocolic mother, but high and strict social standarts/expectancies) I believe he was raised to be that perfect goody-two-shoes school boy and heteronormacy is expected of him. And for that reason, I believe Charles would have a lot of interneral fear when he realizes he likes Erik. He tries to silence the feelings, but he also can't deny that he feels good in Erik's company. With that being said, I believe Charles would either never tell his parents about him and Erik and just run away one day, or he'd get accidentally busted/outed and it'd be a huge scandal. (I totally didn't write a fic EXACTLY about this)

With Erik's mom I believe it'd be a bit easier. Ofc, it'd still be a shock for her, but her love for her son is unconditional and she'd come around eventually. I believe at first she'd ask questions like "Why? Did I do something wrong while raising you? Are you sure you like... you know..?" But after a while she'd see her son is happy(in this universe no divorces happen) and she'd see that Charles can take good care of Erik's needs, let it be mental or financial and that he's a purely good influence.

[lair-of-platonic-yanderes]

Platonic Yandere Blade Alphabet

Warning: OOC. Platonic Yandere. English is my second language. Mentions of killing and death.

Child! Teen! Reader

(feat. Stellaron Hunters)

A - Adopt (How long will it take for them to start planning "to adopt"?)

He can't tell for sure. Maybe, it took days. Or months. Or years.

It happened before he joined Stellaron Hunters.

Your first meeting was an accident. You were taking a walk when you ran into him. A silent, unnerving man. You thought, that he needs help. You shared some food you have with you with him.

Then you meet him a few more times. Sometimes, you brought him food, but you always keep him company by staying near and chatting. He didn't react to you. At least, you thought, that he didn't react.

Mara wasn't merciful to that memories. He remembered, that one day, a beacon appeared in his life. First meetings with a beacon were short, but during them mara calmed down just for a bit. Not enough to keep it in check, but enough to gain more control over his life.

He remembered, that he thought about keeping the beacon with him. Blade didn't know, what happened after. He could recall a disaster and empty village. Since then, the beacon was always near him. Beacon, that required food, water and care. Beacon, that, sometimes were rude or sad. And Blade was here to calm beacon down or give a bit of comfort.

Only when Kafka used her Spirit Whisper on Blade, he fully realized, that all this time he was 'traveling' together with you.

Disaster, that destroyed your village? Was it a natural disaster? Was it Stellaron or Nanook? Was it Lan's arrow? Or was it Blade, determent to keep you close?

B - Baby (Is age of their "adoptee" important to them? Will they reconsider "adoption" because of the age?)

"Adoptee" should either be a Child or a Teen. Blade would have no interest in snooping that close to houses to saw Baby and deciding to adopt them. But, if by some miracle, he will run into the Baby enough times, he will take them in. And, no, he won't reconsider. The "adoption" was heavily influenced by mara, making him more focused on getting "beacon", that bring him just a bit of comfort.

C - Cage (How free their "adoptee" will be?)

A strange case of freedom and captivity. You can stay on Stellaron Hunters' base. Or with Kafka/Silver Wolf/Elio/Firefly. You can stay with them, if they visit different planets. Blade will take you with him, if he has a non-dangerous mission.

But, the moment you try to escape, or someone from Stellaron Hunters will try to help you and get you on the distant planet to get you away from Blade... Or even if you got lost or IPC got their hands on you...

Blade will return you. And after that, he will never let you go. You will always be with him. Even if his mission will be dangerous, he will take you with him.

D - Domestic (Beside the room, what did they do in their house for their "adoptee"?)

When you two were 'traveling' - he always had a warm safe place for you to sleep. Even if he has to carry you on his back, he tried to provide you at least with some basic comfort.

After you two get to Stellaron Hunters - get you a gaming console and books. (And toys, if we are talking about Child). Well, console was more from Silver Wolf, books and toys are from Kafka. Because they can't take it anymore. Blade provided you with basic things (clothes, blankets, sheets) and didn't think about getting you at least something to entertain yourself.

E - Enthusiasm (How enthusiastic they are about the whole "adoption" ordeal?)

Blade could remember a strange excitement, that he felt during the time he 'adopt' you. So, the fact, that he still remember that can be an evidence, that he was very excited.

F - Family (Will they insist on being called father/mother/brother/sister etc.?)

No. Blade doesn't care about such titles. You want to call him dad, uncle or big brother? Okay. You want to call him Blade? Whatever makes you happy.

Moreover, you will have a lot of freedom in 'name-calling'. You are the second person who can call him Bladie. Or Uncle Bladie. Or Bro Bladie. Or think about your own nickname.

Still, Blade won't tolerate name-calling or you being rude. Call him monster? Go to a timeout corner. Still calling him names? No video games and dessert for you.

G - Guilty (Do they feel guilty for taking their "adoptee" from their previous life?)

No. Not even for a bit. He can tell for sure, that he saved you. Your village was destroyed. No one would take care of you, you will die on your own. But he was here and he helped you. Why should he feel sorry for saving you and giving you new home? Yes, he isn't the warmest parent, but he does his best. There is nothing for him to feel sorry about.

And, even if he sees evidence, that he was the one, who destroyed the village, he won't feel sorry. He still saved you and were taking care of you ever since.

H - Harm [Character specific letter.] (Will Blade ever harm his 'adoptee'? Either under mara's influence or because he got angry.)

Not physically, at least. He will try not to scare you, but it is kinda hard to achieve. Even when he is under mara influence, you are relatively safe. Yes, his grip on your hand can be hard as steel, but not to the point of bruising or hurting you. Back when you were traveling, and mara was clouding his mind, Blade still remembered to take care of you.

Silver Wolf once joked, that, if Kafka isn't here, and Blade's mara start running wild, they can just let you handle Blade, until Kafka return. Let's just say, no one liked this idea. Especially Blade.

I - Ill (What will they do, if their "adoptee" became sick, and they can't treat them on their own?)

When you were traveling - He will either threaten a doctor into helping you and staying silent about it, or he will just rob the first hospital he found to get you medicine.

After you get to Stellaron Hunters - He will let the rest of Stellaron Hunters to help. And aeons forbid them to lost you or letting it slip, that you are being held against your will.

J - Joke (What kind of parent they are? Serious or Fun?)

Serious. He will take everything serious. Even if he tries to do something 'funny' with you (go get desserts, go get new video games, go for a walk...), he will be dead serious all the time

K - Kill (Will they kill for their "adoptee"?)

Blade has killed to get you near him, so, of course, he would kill to keep you with him. But he didn't want you to be afraid of him, so he will try to do it in secret.

L - Longing (Character specific letter - What will Blade do, if he saw his 'adoptee' missing their old life?)

Blade will put his hand on top of your head. A long, a bit awkward hair-riffling will follow. Blade will be silent all the time.

If you wanted to yell - Blade will let you. He will even allow you to hit him on the back as many times as you need. You can't hurt him, so he won't care about your hits.

M - Meal (Character specific point - What meals Blade will give to his 'adoptee'?)

Ever since he 'adopt'you, he tried to provide you nutritious meals. He will always make sure, that you have breakfast, lunch and dinner. While they aren't fancy, they will be fresh and tasty.

After you got to Stellaron Hunters, Blade (under Kafka's pressure), will add some junk food (rarely) and sweets.

N - No (What they will never do to their "adoptee"?)

Hurt them on purpose. Blade's punishments, even under mara influence, were either carrying you on his back, while ignoring your complaints, or putting you in a time-out. After he joined Stellaron Hunters, he might send you to bed early, took your dessert or video games. He has never hurt you on purpose.

Yes, he scared you multiple times. He is controlling. His and your 'relationship' is a strange mix of transactional (Blade's care in return for your comforting presence) and familial in a twisted way. But he will never be outright sadistic, or treat you as a thing.

O - Obvious (Is it possible to catch on their intention to "adopt"?)

It's possible.

He will listen to you more carefully, he will start lurking around your village, he will try to make you stay near him and talk more often and much longer. He might even offer you to start traveling with him.

He won't be sneaky about his intents.

P - Place (Favorite place to took their "adoptee")

He doesn't have one. He will take you to any place he seems safe.

Q - Quit (Is there anything, that will make them reconsider to "adopt"?)

Either your family moving somewhere, where Blade can't follow. Or Stellaron Hunters finding Blade when he was planning 'adoption'. Elio will be firm. They are criminals, kid will get in trouble.

R - Rule (Do they have many rules for their "adoptee" to follow? Are there any strange rules?)

Not many. Just three, and they aren't strange.

Don't be rude. Don't run away. Want to cry or yell? Feel welcome to use my back as a punching bag, your noodle arms won't ever hurt me.

But after you two joined Stellaron Hunters, one more rule was added.

Don't use that slang, while talking with me, I can't understand you! Silver Wolf, stop corrupting my kid!

S - Sharing (Do they "adopt" because they wanted to give love to someone, or they want someone to give love to them?)

A little bit of both.

He decided to 'adopt' you, because mara and pain lessen, when he is near you, but in return he swore, that he will keep you happy and safe.

T - Thing (What is the first thing they get for their "adoptee"?)

When you were traveling - Sleeping bag.

When you got to Stellaron Hunters - a phone.

U - Unite - (Will they welcome someone into the "family"?) Bonus [Fraction Specific Point - How the rest of Stellaron Hunters reacted to Blade's 'adoptee'?]

Stellaron Hunters were invited and forced at the same time. Blade doesn't know, how to feel about it. You do look happy, having more freedom, but, what if you get lost, or escape when they are looking after you? Blade is keeping his guard up.

Stellaron Hunters:

• Firefly - feels guilty about your first meeting. Her (or Sam's) hold on Blade made you think, that he is in danger, and, maybe, even dying. And you were afraid of loosing his protection. And neither Sam nor Kafka looked friendly to you. Still, she is trying to be a good friend to you. She offered Elio her help in getting you away from Blade.

• Kafka - practically became your mother, or second parental figure. She is making sure, that Blade isn't hurting you, and that you have everything you need, including a good, healthy familial relationship. She offered Elio to use her Spirit Whisper on Blade to get you away from him.

• Silver Wolf - she also tries to keep you happy, you became her gaming buddy. She is trying to find a way to get you away from Blade.

• Elio - feels guilty. He knew, that you were traveling with Blade, but he didn't see, why you were traveling with him. For some reason, his visions didn't show this. Now he tries to find a future, where you can be safely taken away from Blade. Unfortunately, he didn't seee a single vision for this.

For now, all their attempts will end in Blade returning you, and putting you under his constant surveillance. And it's the best case scenario. In worst case scenario IPC got you first. And they won't care, if you didn't want to be with Stellaron Hunters.

V - Vacation (Will they take their "adoptee" on vacation?)

If his mission isn't dangerous, he might take you with him.

W - Wish (How much they will do for their "adoptee"?)

He will always provide necessities. And, if you ask for something, he will get it. But don't take it as a sign that you will be spoiled. Blade will quickly pick up, that your 'demands' are going out of hand and will stop getting you presents for the next month or two.

X - [Wildcard. Anything you want to share about them?]

When you two were 'traveling', one time, Blade was seriously wounded. Of course, he immediately regenerated. However, he was wounded long enough to scare you. Before that, you didn't see Blade being wounded, and he never told you about his 'condition'.

So, you were utterly terrified of Blade dying. You two were far away from civilization, and the only living beings around you were wild animals. If Blade died... You have to be extremely lucky to get to safety.

When he regenerated, Blade saw you crying. He regretted making you cry, even if this one was on accident.

That day any possibility of him hurting you, even on accident, died.

It also holds back his search for death. He did realize, that without him, you will be doomed.

Y - You (What make them want to choose their "adoptee" specifically?)

Something in you makes pain and mara lessen. He didn't know, what. Was it your kindness towards him? Do you have some passive ability? Blade doesn't know and doesn't care.

Z - Zero (Back to the beginning. Can you tell, during their first meeting with an "adoptee", that they will choose them?)

Yes? No? Maybe?

During your first meeting, Blade will just ignore you, letting you leave food for him and try to start a conversation. It will take a few more meetings for him to develop an interest in 'adopting' you.

[marcussour]

EXU: Divergence E01 random bits and thoughts

Guess who's back, back again? Let's do this

Brennan giving the pass to Matt giving the pass to Sam to make the ad

The production team really outdid themselves with the new intro and music for EXU

Oh no, wasted opportunity by Brennan by not starting the episode with just a 1 word referring an elemental concept (tho to be fair, we all were expecting that)

Starting with a vampiric hobgoblin tho, great choice

Loved the change of pace regarding Calamity and Downfall of, ok, we're starting deep within the Betrayers sphere of influence, and everything is terrible

Garen! Love it (there goes my guess that Matt was gonna play a young Ludinus)

Level 0?! Oh, that's an amazing choice, again, great contrast with how the other ones were super high level (and one basically gods)

A dwarf you say? Name Dari? Related to Matt's character?

Nia! Already love her

"I keep my hope quiet but I will never let them take it from me"

Fiedra! love the cockroach tatoo

Hand jokes galore!

"Is there anything remotely drinkable in this kitchen?"; "There's a bucket of blood under the chop shelf"

Kephekedriel's hilarious

Oh, we got 2 dragonborns

Erro! Crokas!

This 4 armed dude kinda sounds like Brennan's impression of Tim Curry, just dialed back a notch. I was waiting for him to ask Nia for some CHAIN WALLETS

Brennan do love some tiny little freaks

Oh, this thing with the mice and the fleas is super interesting. I kinda saw them as, not only some kinda of heralds of change (is it the Changebringer or the Wildmother?), but, is it like, the fleas biting and giving some light like, hope is contagious?

It was so obvious that the stuff at the beginning of the Prime deities being defeated was just propaganda, but its great to have the confirmation. Also, it fits with the theme of the campaign so much, like, Brennan's not being subtle at all, but sometimes there's no time for subtlety

STOP FIDGETING

"It's okay. I wouldn't want to help me either"

"IT'S SO BAD"

Bless by bug-bite. See, there's something here.

They really left the bad rolls for the second half of the episode... and then it comes Jasmine with a 24

Matt's rolling incredibly for a character that's level 0, he's so happy that he's finally getting good rolls for once.

Oh, it just dawned on me, this is the preambule to the Wildmother's fight with the Strife Emperor

Several thousand mice!

The well honored tradition of having a door being the fiercest enemy they've faced so far (which, since they're all level 0, makes total sense)

Oh Crokas, sweetie

"What do you do if you see a miracle?"

Crokas grunts are amazing

Great to see that there's the remnants of how the Dawnfather and the Storm Lord helped the Wildmother defeat the Strife Emperor

"10 gets you somebody, 15 gets you some buddies, 20 gets you everybody", see, I love so much that kind of wordplay that Brennan always do, dude's just so good at this

Oh, those rolls by Jasmine were just terrible

Liam nonchanantly with that Nat20

Starmian Fiddleflask, amazing name, no notes

A bottle of red wine, a wheel of cheese and a bottle of fish roe, not a bad start tbh

"Sorry Vox Machina, get good"

One night over and Fiedra's already talking about eating people

Oh, Alexander has a mean Gollum imitation, giving Liam a run for his money

Once again, the contrast between the opulence of Avalir in Calamity vs the characters making dairy checks to survive and struggling to find food and water here in Divergence

RIP Starmian

That last scene with the party watching the Stormlord passing through was incredible. The highlighting of the rain doble nature as both creation and destruction. Crokas conversation with the Stormlord.

Give and take and take and take and give and take.

[lesser-vissir]

On the AFAB Transfem and the Nature of Transfeminization

While the title of this post is a little arrogant, admittedly, I do think that it is something that many transfeminists theorists have attempted to tackle, but one that just as many shy away from actually addressing.

This essay is largely inspired by @/oxymoronictransfem's writing regarding A/V Transfems. There is also some influence from Thalia Bhatt's writings, as well as The Sizhen System's essay on the gender ternary.

Before I get into the specifics of what I wanted to talk about, I did want to start by saying that, while I do not fully agree with Mera's A/V Transfem theory, it has convinced me to look deeper into what role birth assignment plays in transfeminization, and come to the conclusion that while her theory has some holes in it, ultimately the existence of A/V Transfems is undeniable. Rest of the essay under the cut. I expect it to be a long one.

I lied. Essay isn't starting yet. First, you gotta go read the other essays I linked if you want to understand what I'm talking about. If you don't read them its gonna make this confusing. Go read them then come back. Now we can start the essay.

Note: I am going to use the terms AFAB and AMAB during this essay, as unfortunately they are the best existing terminology to discuss these subjects. However, please note that when I use these terms I am not making a judgement on anything other than an individual having been assigned a social role as either a "Woman" or a "Man".

The biggest problem in creating a disambiguating definition of the transfeminized subject, is that there exists right now no good definition for the difference between transfeminization and gender non-comformity amongst women. It's what creates the arguments about how trans men, women of color, and other AFAB gender deviants as being transfeminized subjects.

Unfortunately, on the terms used to discuss these topics, those in favor of AFAB gender deviants being transfeminized subjects have legitimate reasons for believing that to be true. Based on the current commonly used definitions of transmisogyny, AFAB gender deviants are in fact victims of transmisogyny. In fact, I am willing to break from convention among transfeminists here in saying that the definition of transmisogyny as an intersection between transphobia and misogyny was a mistake from the beginning and has led to the vast majority of the problems we see on this site regarding things such as the TME/TMA dichotomy, the AFAB transfem question, and the transandrophobia debate.

The alternative however, the definition of the transfeminized subject used prior to Whipping Girl, is the resignation of trans women to being a third sex, which has its own problems in regards to each of those topics, as well as being inaccurate as to trans women's definitive social status as women. However, in the same way, transmisogyny can hardly be considered a separate axis of oppression from either misogyny or transphobia.

To correct this terminology problem, we need to correct a mistake that dates all the way back to second wave feminism. In The Second Sex, Simone De Beauvior made the groundbreaking assertion of sex and gender being social constructs. A part of this was to divorce Womanhood from its status as being the Other to Manhood, as well as to recognize that the oppression of women was not based in biology but in their disavowment and exclusion from active participation in society.

However, Simone De Beauvior made the mistake of idealism and did not properly analyze the dialectic between both Manhood and Womanhood, or the dialectic between Womanhood as a disenfranchisement from society and from women's reproductive functions and economic roles.

Let's start by tackling the first dialectic to understand first the relationship between Manhood and Womanhood. As Talia Bhatt mentioned in the essay I linked, women can be divided into two groups, Type I woman and Type II woman. I would argue, that the definition is somewhat incomplete as it does not define mechanisms for how a Type I woman become a Type II woman, and includes an assumption that certain types of women (ie. upperclass women) are Type I by default.

Instead, we must recognize that all women, by default, are Type II women. Then, upon further evaluation of what makes a woman a Type I woman, we see that the defining factor is that a man has chosen them, elevated them from Type II status. We can see this most clearly in the part of the essay describing Type I trans women. Type I womanhood is not a permanent marker, it is a transient experience based on the whims of the man who has elevated her.

Since we have established that Type II women are the default and Type I women are made, we can recontextualize femininity and the performance of womanhood under that lens. Women that perform femininity well, perform womanhood well, are most likely to be picked for elevation to Type I by various men. Women that fail that in various ways, by being ugly, by being fat, by being infertile, by being non-white, are more likely to stay as Type II women, or quickly lose Type I status when they fail in performing womanhood.

This brings us to an interesting insight regarding womanhood and its relation to manhood. To do that, we must first recognize the castes that exist within manhood. It is quite obvious that for men, there are distinct heirarchies created along the lines of non-gender based axis of oppression. Black men are less valuable than white men, disabled men less valuable than abled men, ect. However, they are all still men. As such, all of them have the power to elevate a Type II woman to a Type I woman. However, the status of a Type I woman is tied to the status of a the man that has elevated them to that status. As such, a woman who is more capable of performing womanhood is less likely to settle for a lower caste man. And conversely, lower caste men will always aspire to be able to be with a woman that men of a higher caste are willing to elevate.

This explains many of the phenomena we see surrounding gendered heirarchies, and heirarchies among men. For example, this explains why marginalized men are so reluctant to date women who share their marginalization (ie. fat men being distainful of fat women, and black men being distainful of black women), because they see them as the women they are "allowed" to elevate, but want to be able to obtain a higher status woman. It also explains phenomena we see such as men dating women that are underperforming womanhood, with the goal of "fixing" her into a higher performing woman as a way of getting around the problem of women that are high performing not wanting to date them.

Moving on from that, we need to address the second dialectic. We can see from the above, that Manhood is defined relative to Womanhood by their ability to elevate women from Type II to Type I status, however, it does not address why these categories exist in the first place. Which brings us back to the initial idealist mistake of the second wave feminists. We should never have wholly rejected that the social construct of womanhood is based in the material reality of reproductive labor.

The conception of gender as a social construct was rooted in a need to regulate reproductive labor. Certain humans, at certain times, are capable of reproductive labor. Gender was invented as a way to easily identify those individuals, and regulate ownership of that capability by the individuals who are not capable of that. Although the social roles and expectations of gender are divorced from biological determinism, the material reality of reproductive labor produced those social roles and expectations which then reinforced the material reality.

In that regard, its time to bring up genitalia. Although many transfeminists and queer feminists avoid talking about genitalia due to the dysphoria it can cause among participants, it would be remiss to dismiss genitalia as being a non-factor in the social construction of gender or in its role in defining the transfeminized subject. The very basis of gender is fundamentally tied to genitalia as a shorthand for whether an individual will grow up to have the capacity for reproductive labor. Ignoring that because it is uncomfortable does us no favors. For all intents and purposes, at its core, society views Men as walking penises and Women as walking vaginas. However, these are merely symbols reflecting an underlying reality of reproductive labor.

In that line, ignoring the social roles and expectations of Womanhood and Manhood, let us set the definitions of Woman and Man to be the following. A Woman is an individual capable of reproductive labor, and a Man is an individual capable of harnessing reproductive labor. These definitions are simplistic, but fundamentally, they serve as the basis for Womanhood and Manhood as a set of social roles and expectations. Womanhood is an idealization of the reproductive vessel while Manhood is the idealization of exploiting said vessel. As such, although the definitions of Man and Woman leave no room for the infertile, the social constructs of Manhood and Womanhood are able to accomodate that. It is here that we can finally start defining transphobia, transmisogy, the transfeminized subject, and even the transmasculinzed subject.

Let us start by understanding transphobia and the differences it lays out when targeting Men and Women. Before we dive in, let me say that I do believe that cis people are affected by transphobia, but that they are not transfeminized/transmasculinzed subjects. For Women, there is a lot of wiggle room for gender deviance, that is to say, deviance from Womanhood, as it merely reduces their chances of becoming a Type I woman. As such, when a Woman is experiencing transphobia it is usually in the form of increased violence that a Type II woman receives. For Men, there is less direct violence from society in the same way as Type II women, but deviance from Manhood results in demotion among the caste heirarchy of men. Thus, reducing the quality of the women available to them. Other men enforce this as a way to decrease competitors for high performing women.

What then, separates the transfeminized and transmasculinzed subjects from mere transphobia? To answer that, we must look back to our definitions of Man and Woman, and, unfortunately be a little crude for a moment. Put in simple terms, a transfeminized subject is a woman with a penis, and a transmasculinzed subject is a man with a vagina. We can see this through every social lens of these topics, and while it is a transphobic stereotype that is not wholly true, it is the way most of cis society view the topic. We however, will dig a little deeper, because as mentioned, the penis and vagina are merely shorthand symbols for other things. Taking the definitions a step further, a transfeminized subject is a woman who is capable of harnessing reproductive labor, and a transmasculinzed subject is a man capable of reproductive labor.

The definitions for the transfeminized and transmasculinzed subjects is on a layer higher than that of Man or Woman, playing off of the social construct of Womanhood and Manhood as the basis for their existence. Crucial to these definitions is that it is someone with the wrong "biology" who performs the social roles and expectations of the "wrong" gender. However, as with Man and Woman being the material basis for the social roles and expectations of Manhood and Womanhood, so too are the definitions for the transfeminized and transmasculinzed subjects a material basis for the social roles and expectations of Transfeminity and Transmasculinity.

We can now reject the notion that transfemininity is based in a rejection of Manhood and a failure to attain Womanhood as is commonly argued, because we can recognize that the transfeminized subject is a distinct subcategory of Womanhood despite being a subcategory of Men. As such, we are now able to begin divorcing the definition of the transfeminized subject from AGAB and the perceived necessity of the transfeminized subject to be a subcategory of Men. We can thus see that Transfemininity is a set of social roles and expectations that heavily mirror and draw on those from Womanhood, but built into all of these assumptions are both that the transfeminized subject is not capable of reproductive labor, and that they are instead capable of harnessing reproductive labor.

Under this framework, we can see why Transfemininity is so reviled. To men, the transfeminized subject is both an aberration of Womanhood, and a threat to their monopoly on harnessing reproductive labor, a threat to the very material basis of gender and as a whole, that threatens to remove the very constraints of reproductive labor that gender was invented for. It is part of why the autogynophile was so feared compared to the homosexual transexual. Part of why even now on Tumblr trans lesbians are the focus of most of the transmisogynistic vitriol on this site. We can therefore define transmisogyny as the revilement of Transfemininity.

Now is a good time to begin to construct a definition for what constitutes someone who is TME vs TMA. To begin, Transfemininity is a subset of Womanhood, and as such, one must participate in Womanhood to be TMA. This is the first requirement. Secondly, based on the definition of the transfeminized subject, and the penis being the symbol for being able to harness reproductive labor, having a penis while performing Womanhood makes one TMA, however, the reverse is not true. Despite being the symbol for being capable of reproductive labor being a vagina, having one does not make one TME automatically. The determiner there, is whether the individual with a vagina in question is capable of reproductive labor. If they are, and can readily prove that using something such as birth assignment, they are TME. If the individual claims to have previously had a penis and can prove it using birth assignment, they are TMA. This leaves one last question, is someone that participates in womanhood, has a vagina, and does not claim to have previously had a penis but is infertile TMA?

To answer this question, lets first look into the transmasculinzed subject. Transmasculinity is far less reviled than Transfemininity, largely because it does not pose the same inherent threat to the material basis of gender. For men, being infertile does not reduce their status as men, nor remove their power to elevate a Type I woman to a Type II woman, and the transmasculinzed subject is also granted this power, though, following the usual heirarchy, the type of women they are granted access to are largely transfeminized subjects. That said, there is still revilement of Transmasculinity as it attacks the institute of Womanhood by giving Type II women an option other than performance of womanhood to escape their status. We can call this transandrophobia since it is the running term. Lets now construct definitions of TME and TMA for transandrophobia, referred to as TME* and TMA*.

As with the transmisogyny version, the first requirment for being TMA* is to participate in Manhood. The second requirement is to be capable of reproductive labor, often shorthanded by the symbol of the vagina. We do not however, have the same dilemma in defining TME* as with TME. If you have a penis, regardless of fertility status, you are TME* unless you claim to have previously had a vagina and can prove it with something like birth assignment. This leaves open the very obvious conclusion that if a transmasculinzed subject obtains a penis and does not reveal that he previously had a vagina, his status as TMA* is revoked. I believe this to be a reasonable analysis of the dynamic and accurately describes the concept of going stealth.

Circling back to the definitions of TME and TMA, can a transfeminized subject that has gotten a vagina also revoke her status of being TMA despite being incapable of reproductive labor, like a transmasculinzed subject can of being TMA*? I believe the answer to be yes. As such, the complete definition for someone TMA is: someone that performs womanhood, is incapable of reproductive labor, and either has a penis, or advertises the fact that she has had one at some point.

This lets us finally return to the question of whether someone AFAB can be TMA. Based on our definition, so long as the individual is capable of reproductive labor (ie. getting pregnant) they are not TMA. Further, if they have a vagina and advertise that they have always had a vagina, they are not TMA. However, if they claim to have previously had a penis, or currently have a penis, then they are in fact TMA.

While this definition may seem crude and reductive, I think it is far more distinctive and disambiguating than other definitions, I believe it is important not to use vague definitions for transfeminized subjects such as failure to engage in Womanhood, or even more reductive things like "being too masculine while being a woman", and does not rely solely on birth assignment like with the traditional current definition most transfeminists use.

Crude tl;dr - If you can get pregnant you are TME, if you are a woman who has or has had a penis you are TMA.

[motherfunkies]

So anyway I was skating and read through half of this before getting home and forgot my notes but to adress everything I wanted to: I don't think this constitutes as a fandom argument?[this was a response to an addition of a community member :3 anyway, interesting topics] I mean, it's a discussion but until OP called everyone who is a Thea hater idiots I don't think we should worry our heads off about toxic fandom spaces :] so let's just preface this with me saying it by saying i'm super chill either way (unless you misunderstand the game of telephone that is letting your opinion of general fandom get influenced by a few posts saying that some1/user hates Thea as a person and/or doesn't want to see her grow and/or just doesn't like her (because I've seen these posts) with very little analysis and context included and PROCEED to call such people idiots, because, people... Those opinions do not exist in a vacuum.) but yeah.

Look, I hate Thea as much as the next guy. No hard feelings, she's no Riko or insert any other major villian of aftg.

I haven't seen any racism? I kind of forgot she's POC, but I do recognize that both her being a woman and being a person of colour can harbour subconsious biases (and non-subconsious, obviously, but hey c'mon it's the aftg fandom, unless you're on a 2015 twitter group, I haven't seen much of that) but that's about the only argument of her being unfairly hated I see as 100% justifiable.

She's Jean's friend. She's Kevin's companion, one way or the other. She's cruel, but she's a product of the mentality she was forced to adopt.

Those are facts. Honestly a lot of the original post is laying those out. A lot of people who dislike Thea know those things. That's what I like about aftg, the characters are not black and white, at least most.

Seth is a shitty person. He's a shameless bigot and a destructive person. But he's also a friend to many. When he dies, no one dissects all his wrongs and picks him apart for being homophobic and an asshole who hurt people with how the thinks.

But here's where he's different from Thea: he's dead. There's no redemption. And while I think a lot of people think Seth is more worth saving is because a) he's a fox b)he's a more major character c)ingrained misogyny.

Also, he's a bitter, sore loser.

But Thea has a future.

My issue with her is, mainly, that she must have been 18 or around that age when she joined the ravens, and while people much older and much wiser get indoctrinated by cults and caught up in it all, she chose to be complicit in the abuse, through it all, I think I just read her character differently than OP does.

Read also: i'm not saying she had it easy, or had a real choice or right or wrong, I don't know if she did.

In the end, she had to have some priorities and even after leaving the nest, after she had her freedom back, all the practice she could have wanted in her life under her belt, she never did find it out of place? The things that took place in the nest, she wasn't there singing Lalala and holding her hand over her ears everytime someone shouted, she was a grown woman so let's maybe not infantilise her?

At the root of it, many people dislike her because it's hard to see her growing as a character to the point it's unimaginable. She hadn't changed at all since her raven days, she's a true raven in the wild, a success story.

She would have a long way to go, it's not people writing her off, but it's hard to see someone suddenly taking a step in any direction at all, when she's been stagnant for the past however long. But again, she's not stagnant, she's not caught up with the past, she's complicit in abuse. You can't be neutral with these topics. Being indoctrinated to a cult isn't an easy situation to get out of, to say. But you're responsible for your own betterment. "Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up" as the icon Kimya Dawson once sung, and I don't think it's that crazy to say that someone who was once a victim isn't excused from self reflection. She is still a victim, I think. But she's not just that.

Also sidenote: I think a lot of people in aftg fandom like to bet on the losing dogs, so to speak, and Thea is both a passive abuser and someone succeeding in life. So yeah there are more Seth apologists in the fandom that Thea. Among the other reasons I listed.

Sidenote #2: this was originally a comment under a community post but those are a pain to navigate and a general inconvienece with the word limit. It's more open for discussion like this, and easier lmao

people on The Internet Dot Com keep being absolute idiots about thea muldani so here is your reminder that she's a ravens success story — she grew up in an environment where she was asked to give her all and engage in incredibly unhealthy practices, but the result of such sacrifice was that she was rewarded for it with US court and a pro team. she was part of a cult and "left" in the sense of gaining physical distance, but all of her experiences reaffirmed that the toxic ravens environment was the most effective way to a successful exy career. it is fucked up that she believes others should go through the same thing in order to be "worthy" or "good enough," but i simply do not understand why so many people look at her and think that she should be crucified for being a representation of a finished, successful raven. especially not if she's unable to recognize abuse in others, which tbqh is something that is very common in cult-like settings. you don't want to look something-that-could-very-well-be-abuse-happening-to-others in the eye, because if they're being abused, then you could potentially be being abused, too, and what do you do with that? do you have any idea how hard it is to come to terms with that reality, especially when you are told day in and day out that this is the only way to get to the top? that this is how you make it in the sport? that someone who is being harmed by the coach or the team captain absolutely deserved it? that people who can't hack it are weak, but you're not weak, you're one of the best, you'll do whatever it takes?

is it extremely shitty that she blames jean for his own sexual assault? absolutely, yes. but she doesn't have the whole picture, and it's clear that jean intentionally deceives her (with the comment about him being fragile/clumsy, etc.) and lets her believe he had more agency in his sexual experiences than he truly did because it's a coping mechanism that also serves the purpose of letting her fill in blanks so he does not have to explicitly tell a lie. besides, if there is any singular raven that both kevin and jean view fondly, wouldn't they want her to believe whatever it took so that she didn't ask too many questions? wouldn't they both want her far removed from the reality of the moriyamas and human trafficking, because her uncovering the truth would put her entire life at risk?

people can have friends that are imperfect or do not understand them completely or that fuck things up sometimes. i get that jean's experiences put people on-guard when it comes to how he interacts with other characters, but god damn. she was his mentor. she taught him everything he knows about being a backliner. she made horrible and judgmental assumptions about his experiences. all of those things can be true at the same time. does she not deserve the opportunity to change upon receiving new information? does she not deserve the ability to take a step back, as ravens are dropping like flies and all eyes are on evermore and the perfect court, to consider that maybe she was a victim in all of this, too? that plenty of people are capable of making it to the top without calling another human being the master and turning a blind eye to the king beating his own men? that maybe kevin and jean and all of them were terribly wronged? why is she the only person in this series who's not allowed to grow as a person by developing a more nuanced understanding of rape and sexual assault and learning how to be a better friend to someone who had no choice?

also someone tried to "gotcha" me by saying thea and jean aren't friends because she uhhhh (checks notes) calls him a teasing nickname and says "i'm going to break your ribs" as though threatening your friends (especially ones you play a contact, violent sport with) is the worst possible offense ever in the same book series that people regularly ACTUALLY fistfight each other and pull knives on one another. i'd argue that these are actually huge indicators that they do like each other, because she's probably one of the only people in the world who he can express himself around and even say things like "i'm not from paris" exasperatedly. you know, like you do when people you care about tease or poke fun at you. those are actually probably some of the most normal interactions jean has pre-TSC, especially as she is not needlessly cruel to him like literally everyone else in the nest is. and not only is thea one of the only people who has any sort of comraderie with him and who makes the effort to see him after his injuries because she cares, but she also makes it past wymack and kevin and renee and neil guard-dogging him. does that seriously mean nothing? do you think renee fucking walker (who was ready to brawl on-sight at evermore) would have let someone like zane waltz into abby's house if kevin said a single negative word about him?

i have seen some incredibly wonderful and nuanced takes about most characters in AFTG, but at the same time, the way thea is treated and criticized in a more severe way than literal murderers in the series for her possibly-willful ignorance is utterly crazy to me.

idk. just some food for thought

[the-kiarah-organisation]

Maybe interesting fun fact?: Any species is able to view and interact with a soul if that soul is in their same species group, with a few exceptions being Gods, Guardians, Keepers and Descendants due to their jobs.

There is one other known exception: a Glitch being able to destroy the soul of a Spirit in order to protect her family. Even she commented on how impossible it was. We don't know if it was a circumstance thing (i.e. Life or Death) or if it was something else.

Something tells me this is an important revelation, you know, given how strictly our world lays out and enforces our rules.

[randomnameless]

Why do we still have in 2024 stupid takes like Rhea created and enforces the crest system?

Bcs Rhea BaD anon.

More seriously,

FE Fodlan is one of one of the most divorced FE verses from its fantasy elements (see : Nabateans being as important as Ignatz's leather shoes) : Tellius has the Laguz existing, Archanea/Ylisse has manaketes hanging around and being a core point in FE Archanea, Elibe has its entire history involving dragons and the best ending finally be about acceptance between the two races, Magvel has zombies, Valentia has terrors and in SoV we have dragons and magic dragon blood, Fates has dragons (and laguz-like!) and even Jugdral have people with magic dragon blood.

(i ranted and ranted and ranted under the cut, so it's a bit long)

Unlike Fodlan, Jugdral's "people with magic dragon blood" are a key element to the story told at large, and it bleeds through the mechanics used to tell that story. FE4 wise, toddler!Seliph has a S rank in swords when Beowulf, even if he trains his entire life, will never achieve A rank in swords. Base!Julia with her holy weapon can smack Loptyr, when max!invested (at least lore wise) Forseti!Ced will never be able to kill him.

It's unfair for Beo and Ced, but that is how the verse works because, in that verse, some people are mc guffins or "the only ones" who are able to do something, or even, straight out, stronger/have more talent than others.

In traditional fantasy settings we have the "same" sort of rules, you have elves who do X and Y, humans won't can't, dwarves who can't either but they can do W, orc who can do J, etc etc.

Even for all of the "deconstruction of the genre!" gimmick ASOIAF has, according to some people, Dany is fire-proof and Jon most likely survives after being assassinated because he is a Stark and can use his doggo as a back up save, both things Edmure Tully will never be able to achieve.

Tolkien has Numenoreans being straight up blessed by the Valar/stronger/longer lived/etc etc than middle-earth humans, on top of also having elves, dwarves and ents.

Ergo : power inbalance is baked in the fantasy genre.

And yet, the writers often manage to tell some version of "the ones who have less power are no less important", like with Tolkien, it's a bunch of hobbits who manage to take down the greatest "evil" of their era, or some message like "having more power/being more important means you are bound to help the ones who have none" thingie.

In Fodlan, the "beings who have more power" than humans are the Nabateans (+ Sothis herself!). Sothis can create life, her daughter - through unknown means - can create artifical beings, one her children can control weather (the one who was turned in a milkshake for Charon!), one of them has monstruous strength (the one turned in a milkshake for Blaiddyd), one of them could communicate with animals (Timotheos iirc - if we assume he was a Nabatean or got his powers from his crest), her granddaughter can set up an AOE to heal what would otherwise be fatal wounds (it's heavily implied this is what Flayn did when she overused her power and went comatose) etc etc.

This is the original power inbalance in Fodlan.

Then some humans "stole" this power from Nabateans, and got a share of it themselves, which is what is later called "crest" : aka, some humans got a part of the super/magic powers that Nabateans originally had and thus, because, for all intents and purposes, "super-humans".

Now, Fodlan discourse started with FE16 being released in 2019, not that long after GoT's ending - which was trash - and in an era where fandom turned from "harmless fun" to "something that looks like activism and earns you point if you manage to use it to express your real life opinions".

In 2019, after Dumb and Dumber tanked GoT and removed most of ASOIAF fantasy parts to deliver "sex that sells" with a moldy plot, some part of the fandom started to conflate and harass people over what they like, and how it, apparently, reflected on their real life opinions ("if you hate this female character it means you hate women!"/"if you think X becoming king is a good ending, you don't value democracy!").

So, we have this fantasy setting with its inherent power inbalance... that quickly became something that is/was unacceptable, because IRL, power inbalance is based on bullshit and something everyone decries - so if your beloved media reflects on what you like IRL, you can't like a setting with an objective power inbalance, even if is justified by magic which doesn't exist irl like shooting eyebeams or some people being more "special than others" who can live up to 1500 years old.

Fodlan's power inbalance, for some parts of the fandom 2019, cannot be justified by traditional fantasy settings so, those settings/fantasy elements are straight out ignored.

Thus the "crests"' magic effects/powers are ignored, and dumbed down to, roughly, what a middle school student would think "nobility" is/was in the Middle Ages/Renaissance.

Jean-François Marie Pierre de Bourbon isn't inherently better at smashing things with a sword than Bob, or at healing than Roger, any "advantage" Jean-François Marie Pierre de Bourbon has over them is, maybe, that he started training earlier.

In Fodlan?

If Jean-François Marie Pierre de Charon has a major Charon crest, he can dance and clap in his hands to summon rain. Bob and Roger, no matter how hard they train, will never be able to do that. Jean-François Marie Pierre de Charon will thus be seen as having higher "value" or being straight up "better" than Bob or Roger, because as long as he is here, your crops will never suffer from drought.

But... we can't have that, because if you confuse fandom and real life opinions and aspirations, you cannot admit that some people in Fodlan are inherently "better" at something, only because of their blood, otherwise, what would it translate to IRL?

This is why, imo, part of the fandom (and the game sure doesn't help! Fodlan is no Jugdral and its gameplay lacks coherence regarding the in-game lore! Remember how Raphael can use a relic and only loses 10HP, when Miklan, plot wise, was turned in a demonic beast?) that loves this take, arguably, reduces crests to a title and family name.

Why should the Bourbon family rule over us, when they're no better than Roger or Bob? Isn't it unfair the Bourbons are still valued nowadays when the only thing to their fame is their name, and not what they are actually doing?

The game plays coy about crests - we know each of them has a specific power - but it never reveals what are those powers (lore wise!) save for 2 of them. So are crests superpowers, or just a family name with a particle, or both? Is the "system" (a friend made a post debunking any idea of "systemic" application of this notion in the three countries) based on bullshit, or on, objective superpowers?

Dimitri tries to tackle the issue, but only around relic usage : the Gautiers are valued if they have a crest because they can use their superweapon to protect the border. But what about valuing House Charon's ability to bring rain and guarantee good harvests? What is the other superpower tied to the crest of Gautier that isn't "use a femur and wreck havoc with it"?

If Marianne's ability to talk to animals is tied to her crest, why isn't it more developed? Instead of having useless shit like talking and befriending horses like a Disney princess, we could have Maurice-blooded people be masters of counter-intelligence, imagine if they can talk to birds/rodents and ask them to scout various areas or spy/ask them what they saw ! Hell, we could have had a situation where in a fog of war map, where Marianne, if, idk, through Billy fed enough animals in the monastery, would have a better field of vision than anyone else, with some blurb/one-line about her relying on the animals around to know and see what is going on! Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

FE16 eludes the question, because the character who "questions" a world centered around "crests" is the marketable asset of the game, and cannot be challenged in any meaningful capacity v- she feels it's unfair that her crest seemingly dictate her life, and only in the gacha game with ery serious writing like the Heavy Plate Corps or Sniddies, does she get a modicum of self-reflection - or at least someone challenging her - where she is told that she could use the superpowers she has to help people instead of blaming the world for getting one.

In a traditional FE setting, where some Lords question why they were born with power/or are in powerful positions, the answer is always that no matter what they were born with (or without in Leif's case!) what is more important is what they decide to do with that power. Elincia never wanted to become Queen? She will still fight and protect Crimea and its people. Marth is the last hope of Altea, even if it means leaving Elice behind. Seliph doesn't want to fight in Thracia anymore or feels like he's a fraud? He can turn tail and return home, while the world around him falls apart. Leif also feels like a fraud because he doesn't have superpowers like his cousin? Does that mean he should turn his thumbs and watch as his people are being caught/enslaved/sacrificed?

In Fodlan you have no reflection like this : Linhardt is, imo, the best example.

Dude hates blood and has a crest (aka magic powers) geared towards healing, you could make a case that for someone who has hematophobia, being a healer is difficult and this would be the reason why he refuses to heal/use his powers to help people around him... but no. Lin's laziness is played for laughs, and his refusal to do anything not related to his topic of interest is never questioned/analysed under the angle of, say, a head nurse who has no crest and laments that she couldn't save everyone who was hurt during an assault, who snaps at him for having the "gift" he has and not using it for the sake of people around him.

"What Lin decides to do with his power?" : Well, nothing.

Instead we have a reflection on his bright mind going to waste if he lazes all day long, culminating in his Supreme support where an Imperial facility is created specifically to cater to his tastes, that will enable him to research crests as much as he wants...

But still, nothing about his innate "healing" power!

In the end, it's no surprise that part of the fandom latched on that "crest = nobility title" because the Fodlan verse refuses to develop anything about its fantasy elements (hell, iirc Nopes swaps "crests" for "blood" and "titles" in its Supreme route ?).

"Sure, but where does Rhea fit in this nonsense?"

Rhea is, in this vision, the ultimate target !

For all of the "I ignore fantasy elements", Rhea is always (in FE16 at least!) turning into a dragon : no matter how hard you want to ignore fantasy, she's here to remind you tht, in this verse, dragons exist.

But most importantly, as Fodlan must be analysed through an IRL lens otherwise modern fandom cannot engage with it, Rhea, by virtue of being the lady in charge of a religious organisation called "Church", is also seen through a lens : Rhea BaD bcs Religion BaD and Catholic Church BaD.

FWIW, thanks to the five years of discourse we had, I learnt more about cultural values and differences existings between, here and the rest of the world - especially a place that is overepresented on fandom spaces - on organised religions especially the catholic church. Of course this bled on fandom takes and analysis, which projected some users' irl bias against the Catholic Church on the fandom organisation and entity that is the Church of Seiros. Combine this with secularism being now weaponised and used to ridicule people in spaces like r/atheism and you have a perfect recipe for "Religion BaD = Catholic Church BaD = fictional organised religion with a catholic flair BaD".

Granted, given how a certain loLcalisation team also originates from this place, it's no surprise that some "creative liberties" they took tried to hammer even more, let it be in the script or the fucking "what is this game about?" page on their website, how this fictional organisation is basically a squenix trope of "evil cult manipulating everything in the shadows and sekritly controlling the world".

Besides, the main heroine of the game (even if that comes with a twist!) opposes this faction (CoS and especially its leader!) and, by the way those games are built, as seen earlier, they cannot disavow her too much, else the entire gut-punch the devs were gunning for (you are betrayed by your beloved character! But unlike what happens in Baten Kaitos, you only are attached to her because she is your avatar's simp) will fall apart. So she must be, somehow, right and not motivated by more personal and heinous reasons, like not accepting "non-humans" to have powers over humans, or thinking the world is not a place for them (this was carefully scrubbed out in Nopes, btw!).

If Supreme Leader, who we are supposed to root for and whom the game ultimately rewards because "reforms" happen in the endings, says that the CoS is the reason why humans value superpowers, she must be right, or at least, not completely wrong???

Which raises the final point on this topic : FE16 came in 2019, which was election year in the US, and we all know that election time in the US means the rest of the world is also affected, even if the rest of the world, well, isn't the US. As I mentionned, the US is over-represented in fandom spaces, and fandom is far from being a safehaven from all the mayhem and passion that always boil during election time and its immediate following.

Coupled with the "my fandom faves define my real life opinions" thingie I already wrote about, and we had an explosive cocktail for bad takes, needless aggressivity, ridiculing people with dissident opinions because they are seen as "wrong", etc etc. And let it be something trendy or not, especially when (young?) people are arguing about "politics" in online spaces, but it always boils down to gross simplification of various complex issues and/or using catchphrases or "shock-value" words to win over whoever is reading/listening.

(et je ne dis pas ça parce que certains de nos politiques font des "immigrés clandestins ou pas" la source de tous les maux, ou le fait que nos députés font la m��me chose en ce moment, Jonluk et Marine main dans la main, pour paralyser l'Etat afin de pousser Manu à la démission et éviter la case prison pour Marine)

I always thought the "CEO of racism" was a meme, but through Fodlan discourse, I started to wonder if it was something started seriously by someone who really thought that "racism" is caused by one person.

And we finally get to the point : somehow, somewhat, Rhea is supposed to be responsible for people/humans valuing superpowers.

Forget that the same "quest to obtain those superpowers" led to the extermination of her kin, or how the devs themselves explained that people - at least in their setting - always want more power :

As a result, what would happen to humans who gained power... they would want even more power, and find a dragon much stronger to beat in order to collect materials forcefully, in order to make even more powerful weapons... and so that was the cycle that was born. And that was the birth of Fodlan's Ten Elites

Wait, kill that, those superpowers don't exist since the game and the characters (bar Catherine, but I agree with @9thwither here, Cat is one of the most overlooked characters in this fandom!) never talk about them, so they don't exist...

Rhea is thus the reason why people value bloodlines - especially since those bloodlines don't come out with superpowers.

It sounds better and closer to what you could "hear" irl, from someone who's discoursing on the internet to explain "why" some people are more valued than other, it's because of religion and the Pope! It cannot be because of, well, human greed or just the need to have more power (for good or wrong reasons), no.

"But random, the Church most likely promotes a "divine right to rule" doctrine and let the 10 Elites' families rule over their clans in Faerghus thus gain nobility!"

Sure, but everything is moot if you consider this : to make this take viable, we ignore the game and consider that crests are just bloodlines, and not, objective sources of superpowers.

So why are we, discussing about this hypothesis/theory, even arguing about what the game says and/or does?

Bob Blaiddyd can kill a giant lion/wolf with his fists at base level, is it because of a supposed doctrine that people rally and want to be in Bob's graces, or because Bob has the power to protect them all? Karen Charon can summon rain, are people siding with her because Rhea told them to, or because Karen can make crops grow?

In conclusion : why people are still, in 2024, sprouting those takes?

1- Because they refuse to engage with the game and realise that it is a fantasy game belonging to a very specific genre

2- Because fandom opinions reflect on your real life opinions and likes : so they must find a reason to oppose what their perceive as an unacceptable power inbalance otherwise it means that they support the various inequalities that exist IRL

3- Because Religion BaD and bar the "projected takes from transposing feelings about an IRL church on a fantasy one" more and more people tend to prefer an "easy to proceed" solution than think about multi-causal issues and find solutions that might not.

Of course, I can already guess that some people might argue that they don't "refuse to engage with the game" since this take is more a less a condensed version of the Supreme spiel, and as developed above, the game does - willingly - a shit job at demonstrating that her spiel is nonsense (they had to add the "greed" part in an interview released after the game and its only and final DLC!), just like her sockpuppet who supposedly learns how misguided he was in certain routes... only to end with the same ice cream, albeit with a different topping.

However, Dimitri and Sylvain mention how crestless children are disowned in Faerghus... when Dimitri's own uncle is ruling over a domain himself, Ingrid's brothers exist in the background and Gustave is still Baron Dominic's brother, on top of having been the royal master at arms for at least, depending on the route, 3 generations of Faerghan kings.

In a game where Dorothea can blame the Goddess for fighting in a war her bestie started - without anyone pointing this out - it's obvious this verse has unreliable narrators, but after 5 years and having played all routes in both games + a DLC + a dev interview explaining how and why some humans acquired crests...

Tl;Dr :

Reason 1- is most likely the most prevalent why this take exists anon, "because some people refuse to engage with the game" with the added topping of "save for what Supreme Leader and her sockpuppet say that I can use to demonise the characters I don't like".

[i-really-like-phrogs]

Protective wifey core

[planar-river-road]

Some good points on here but to add to that I'd postulate that we know or can at least reasonably assume that several of these people weren't on the crew entirely willingly.

Linlin already had a patron in Streusen, and while Streusen himself wasn't exactly a powerhouse, Linlin was and he knew that. Streusen had no reason to send her Rocks' way or to advice her to join him when he came calling, and he was the one person whose opinion she was listening to at that point. So we can reasonably assume that Rocks was the one who tracked them down, that Streusen's only options at that point were to let her go willingly (with himself perhaps being recruited as the crew's chef in the process, perhaps just left behind, but either way at risk of losing his influence over his golden goose) or to get killed... and that he didn't think Linlin would be able to protect him from Rocks if he picked the second option.

Similarly we know from that one flashback in the Marineford Arc that Newgate was already dreaming of his family while he was on Rocks' crew and that he didn't much care about treasure or power by comparison. Yet he didn't leave the crew until after the God Valley incident, implying that the Strongest Man In The World close to the peak of his health and strength didn't think he could leave the crew without repercussions.

There's also Shiki and John, two characters we know considerably less about. But the one thing we do know about them, the core of what little characterization we have, is that they were both incredibly self-centered; Shiki in the way he wanted to prove himself superior to everyone else by any means necessary, and John in his pure naked greed that led to him amassing a treasure that's nearly as legendary as the One Piece. And despite that Shiki was playing second fiddle to Rocks and John was hanging around on a crew where he'd only ever get a fraction of any loot. There may be other justifications for the two of them joining the crew, but the most obvious is that they didn't have any other choice.

(And putting all of this together, part of me wonders if Rocks was maybe using God Valley as bait. The Celestial Dragons with their treasure and their extremely rare devil fruits are definitely reason enough on their own to go there, but especially with Rocks running off like that and Whitebeard expecting him to "lose sight of our main goal", maybe what Rocks himself wanted was to finally force Roger into a fight and add that last powerful pirate of the era to his collection. And he might even have succeeded if Roger and Garp hadn't managed to set their differences aside long enough and quickly enough to team up against him.)

Is Rocks as strong as he purports, or is it based on his support?

you're asking me to speculate on a character we've only ever seen as a silhouette, which is as silly as it is impossible

[deus-ex-mona]

such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨

[robinmage]

no kind of relationship will ever be as impactful as the slightly toxic slightly homoromantic hyperdependent bestfriendship you had with someone when you were like 12

[ziracona]

Iirc Griffin did something similar in Amnesty, when Aubrey succeeded on a roll that should've saved another character's life, but it didn't work and I don't think they ever explained why

Yeah!! And in Amnesty, Ned used a point of LUCK. To get a 12. That in MOTW is a guaranteed success. You do not take harm in Protect Someone if you use luck. Also, a fucking shotgun does not DO 7 points of harm anyway. It’s 3. And he fucking KILLED him. Never forgiving Griffin for that one >.>

[crowndgods]

hidden agendas were behind every word spoken, every gaze exchanged -- in king's landing as much as on driftmark. this he was sure of, but fact was, lorent didn't care what any of them sought. power, influence, riches, plain entertainment. he might've been placed in the centre of the chess board by fact of his noble birth, but he refused to play their game. "some can, but far and few between. my cynicism has served me very well over the years, m'lady. you see, i don't have the political acumen to keep up with all the schemes and tricks clever lords and ladies employ to get what they want. knowing everyone can be bought and everyone's a disloyal shit when the situation requires it, helps me walk through life with no expectations whatsoever. all i seek is momentary pleasure, because nothing in this shit world of ours is permanent." kings, queens, titles, lovers. they could wake tomorrow and a third contender for the throne could've announced themself.

he listened to her monologue, finding he had no particular thoughts on polygamy. if it suited a couple, he wasn't one to judge. he'd sampled love, had the prospect of marriage shoved down his throat, and didn't believe he was suited for any of it, and no change of circumstances would sway him. "so why are you here? duty, truly? you could shrug off duty and leave." he had done that, he might do it again. "you've no taste for an arrangement defined by the restrictive mindset you so aptly describe. you don't seem particularly keen on politics either, though you sit war councils, perhaps only to listen to the nonsense spouted. or spout nonsense of your own. suppose i shall discover it for myself once my sister names me her heir and forces me to attend. to sit and decide over the future of westeros, us prissy lords and ladies of the realm, while the people of king's landing dwell in their own shit and piss, and watch their children starve. what a noble vocation." to that, he lifted his wine, drinking before offering a grimace. "there is no point."

her jest failed to amuse him, but he didn't blamed her, he'd worked himself into a slump not even wine could fix. "perhaps i do have a magic cock. only one way to find out." lorent spoke with a shrug and a short-lived smirk. he couldn't say what purpose her impressions on lyanna served, perhaps rhaena was prodding him to consider change. to see if jealousy would goad him into action. in that case, he'd almost feel bad, it was a vote of confidence entirely wasted on him. perhaps she cared for lyanna's happiness, which, bizarrely, he cared about as well. "good, let her have her knight in shining armour so i can have my peace." the answer of a disgruntled child who'd not gotten his way, but with another slug, his expression grew more solemn. "you presume too much. i'm under no impression she's not good enough for me. i'm not good enough for her, and i live with that knowledge just fine. eventually, she will learn to do the same."

"I would be a hypocrite to berate you in any way Lorent, as I'm sure you're aware. I know a thing or two of women and undesirable betrothals. Birds of a feather, you and I --" a quick roll off eyes passed her features and she did not care to dig further into hidden meanings and possible deflection. "You may find this shocking but some of us can enjoy company without hidden agendas." Rhaena could not tell if his assumption was offensive or tragic. It must have been a horrible way to live -- thinking every interaction came with hidden motives. "I do not fear marriage, just as I do not fear fish -- and yet I have no taste for either." she said matter-of-factly. "I’ve no issues with attachment, vulnerability, love, intimacy. -- If anything, I am the most attached, vulnerable, loving and intimate person I know. Why should I fear such things? No, I do not deflect nor do I fear. What is the worst that can happen? A broken heart? Breaking a heart? That is ridiculous." people have survived worse. She shifted in her seat, eyes narrowed as she took another sip of her wine. "My lack of flavour for marriage stems purely from my desire to exist in a more polygamous setting. As my ancestors did. -- This simplistic idea of marriage is so...strict, so crude." she paused, thinking it over some more. "It is apparent to everyone I am no lady, though I certainly look the part. I wish to love freely, many people, many times, within a marriage. But Westeros has no taste for it. Everyone wants the confines of monogamy. Who does it benefit truly? Where do these notions stem from? Innate human desire? It cannot be that, I am human, I have this desire. Religion? Possibly, yet there are Valiryan religions perfectly fine with polygamy. Is it to prevent inheritance disputes? Favouritism? Alliances? Conflict? I truly do not know. All I do know is that marrying for love is not a possibility, not for me, because marriage here is primarily political in nature. And I shall do my duty, as does everyone else of noble name, and yes I will complain somewhat, but I shall do it anyway. Unless my beautiful betrothed and I find a way to end our predicament. She does seem most eager. -- After all, our marriage right now would not be politically advantageous. And if we cannot have love or advantage, what is the point truly?" She almost asked for forgiveness, for speaking so much and yet, why should she apologise for providing input into a conversation? Why were people taught that expression was somehow inconvenient?

"You mean to say you’ve avoided death through the sheer fact you are pretty? Now be truthful Lorent, I did not take you for a liar." She jests. "Lust and love, love and lust — perhaps you’ve simply a magic cock." she had sincerely doubted that. "I am certain lady Stark has not kept her true affections hidden from you as much as you make it seem. You took advantage of her love with your lust. It is human. But if you wish to feel less horrid about it, just let her be." it was simple enough, certainly not worth drinking over. "She will quickly find another and forget all about you and your magic cock. I mean, Lyanna Stark is far too beautiful and sweet natured to be wasted on someone who is anything less than obsessed with her. Some women just deserve that…don’t they? Someone who will drop everything for them? Someone who will overcome their own flaws, fight tooth and nail to keep them happy? Someone who will make them feel loved and...desired." Rhaena prided herself on being good at reading people. "She deserves a man who will not have her acting like a man. A man who will not have her uttering proposals, or have her seem so…desperate, as you do. She is not desperate, she does not need you. She wants you, gods know why." she gave him a look then, curious of the way her words would land. "So do not fret pretty boy, she will not want you for long. Women go where they are wanted and, well, you seem to have made it very clear this time around that you do not want her the same. Pity, truly, perhaps she could have even made you happy. But alas you exude the energy of someone under the impression she’s not good enough for you. I hope she does not internalise that, such insecurities could fester.”

[favroitecrime]

anyway thinking back to riley though. she was done incredibly dirty by the writers in a lot of ways. like i know we discussed at length the 'maya became riley' storyline (which.... another day) but we don't discuss how they belittled riley so, so much and never offered her a chance to grow in the eyes of those around her. her parents weren't even good parents to her lmao and a lot of their dismissive nature is brushed off for gags and giggles which is crazy. peak riley moments that come to mind were her in girl meets stem. in stem she's the brilliant riley who's top of the class right next to farkle and we can see why. she's brave, loud, proud, and refuses to be belittled and i needed more of that. anyway fuck you michael jacobs