#it's not resurfacing Now and probably not anytime soon but it's there

[nowendil]

hm. might have just felt the first flutters incoming of gender plate tectonics

[fairystar111]

Oh Baby Blue, don't you know I love you?

By: fairystar111

Rating: Gen

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia

Summary:

How far would you go for your family? To Enji Todoroki family means everything. He knows he’s made some mistakes in the past but doesn’t he deserve a chance to make up for all the hurt he caused? To right all his wrongs and create a new happy family. Shouto would beg to differ. He doesn’t want to be his fathers second chance. He just wants to be free.

Characters: Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Todoroki Shouto.

Tags: Infantilism, Forced Infantilism, Age Regression/De-Aging, Kidnapping, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Obsessive Behavior, Possessive Behavior, Yandere, Brainwashing, Conditioning, Gaslighting, Mind Manipulation, Medical Inaccuracies, Yandere Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Platonic Yandere, Possessive Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Post-Final War Arc (My Hero Academia).

✧❅🕯❅✧

It started after the war. The battle had been ruthless and barbaric; many lives were lost on both sides, heroes, villains, comrades, and civilians alike but in the end the hero's won. Shouto had helped bring an end to evil or so he had thought…Thinking back on it, this is probably around the time the crazed look began to resurface in his father’s gaze. It probably had to do with his older brother coming back from the dead, only to almost die yet again trying to take Shouto down with him. Shouto had not died but was put into a medical coma since his injuries were so severe. He doesn't know what happened in the time he was asleep but when he finally awoke his father had begun to act strange . 

They were given a mandatory semester off to take in the after effects of the war. During this time his father had been very accommodating, a little too accommodating if you asked Shouto. Anytime he needed anything his father was right there one step ahead. Whether it be feeding Shouto, helping him walk to the bathroom, carefully bathing him when he was too weak to do it himself, helping him with his physical therapy or simply fluffing his pillows. Shouto had allowed it, thinking maybe he was overcompensating for the past,  he did say he would give him a chance so he sat back and allowed himself to be taken care of. Big mistake. 

Soon he couldn't lift a spoon without his father there to fuss over him. He thought as the end of the semester neared and his physical therapy lulled to a stop, the man would stop his endless pampering. He was wrong . Even as his physical capabilities increased the man still insisted on helping him bathe, spoon feeding him as if he were a child, and tucking him into bed hours before his usual curfew. He doesn't know why but whenever the man is caring for him, his gaze is always so intense, eyes roaming Shouto’s face like he’s looking for something. What he’s searching for, Shouto doesn't know. Maybe an indignant reaction or a bratty retort like the ones he used to spit at him before the war. Whatever it is he’s looking for, he never finds, his father always walks away disappointed. It makes the little part of him deep inside that still wishes for his fathers approval angry to think even when he is being civil he’s still not enough for his father.

When the last week of their mandatory break drew to a close, Shouto was more than ready to leave the suffocating house he was forced to call home. The tension in the house had been steadily rising each day with Shouto trying to avoid his father’s odd treatment and Enji breaking through any boundary the boy tried to put in place. It all came to a boiling point when his father caught him off guard, grabbing him unexpectedly as he was walking to his room after a particularly stifling dinner. And carrying him to his office to have a discussion, one week before he was supposed to go back to school.

“Ugh what do you want now?” Shouto groaned as his father finally set him down onto a plush office chair, slapping away the hands gently carding through his hair.

“Behave Shouto, I brought you here to speak with you regarding your schooling not to fight. As I was saying, this fall you will not be returning to classes. I’ve made the decision to pull you out of school to focus on your health and well being.” Enji gently chided him, voice so soft and unlike anything he used to use before. The memories of harsh words and violent outbursts echoed in Shouto’s mind reminding him to not fall for the act. His father may be trying to be “better” but he will always be the same obsessive controlling man he once knew.  

The boy scoffed. “My health? I’m fine now. I can go back to school just fine like everyone else.” It was true, the head injury he had received had healed and with regular stretching and exercise the scarring he received in his fight with his brother no longer bothered him. There was nothing left to heal.

“I’ve already decided Shouto.” Tone leaving no room for argument, face stern but eyes staring at him so softly. It made him uncomfortable. Shouto didn't know how to deal with softness when it came to his father. Pummeling fists and demeaning words he could deal with but this: the kind loving stares and endless spoiling he had no clue what to do with. “This is for your own good.”

His voice was a soft one as if he was placating a tantruming toddler; it only angered Shouto further. “I don't care what you think I need. You're not my only parent. If you won't let me go to school, then I’ll have mom help re-enroll me.” His mother was doing so much better and was currently being evaluated and prepped to be discharged. Soon she’ll be living on her own in her own home with Natsuo and Fuyumi. He’s sure she wouldn’t mind if he came to live with her instead. 

His father's face saddened as it always did whenever he brought up his mother. “Your mother cannot make any decisions on your behalf considering her previous struggles with her mental health. She lost any legal rights over you due to the incident.” Issues he had caused with his selfishness and abuse.

The boy's face flushed in anger. He couldn’t believe he was doing this again. He was so stupid to believe his father could ever change.“Y-you can't do this to me! You have no right!” he yelled.

“I am your father. I have every right to make what I feel are the best choices for you. This is all in your best interest son. I’m not trying to hurt you.” His arms reached forward, likely trying to pull him into a hug, but Shouto flinched away. 

“Well it's not like that's ever bothered you before. When have you ever cared about hurting your children.” The boy hissed, dismissing himself quickly before his father got his hands on him again.

✧❅🕯❅✧

After their discussion life in the Todoroki home became tense more so than ever switching between constant screaming matches and cold silent treatment. Shouto doing his very best to avoid his fathers constant coddling and failing miserably resulting in more fights than he can count. It all came to a head the day he tried to leave, the day everything changed. 

Shouto had woken up before sunrise for the first day back to classes. He figured if he got there early he could speak with Nedzu and figure something out, like possibly becoming a ward of UA. He had carefully put on his uniform as quietly as possible before sneaking to the entry way to slip on his shoes. He put his bag over his shoulder and gently opened the door, tensing when he felt a large hand land on his shoulder. He turned to see his father. He didn't know how someone so huge could be so silent on his feet to have snuck up on him. 

“It’s early, you should go back to bed.” His fathers voice gruff voice sounded through the silent halls, still raspy from sleep. He was likely roused by some sort of alarm system Shouto had unknowingly tripped. 

“No, I'm going to school.” Shouto tried to stay firm despite the slight tremble going through his body. He can’t stay in this house any longer. Everyday he spent here he could feel the life being drained out of him. He fears if he doesn’t leave now he’ll end up like his mother did. A mere shell of what she once was, living like a ghost in her own home before her mind shattered completely. 

“We've already discussed this Shouto, stop this foolishness.” His father let out a resigned sigh as moved him away from the door, having to pry his hands off the frame before closing it.  “Now let’s get you out of this uniform and tucked back into bed.” Gently pushing him toward his bedroom, his grip still tight on his shoulder. 

Shouto tried to pull himself out of his fathers hold yelling, “Let go of me!”, struggling harder as he used his other hand to land hits on his father’s wrist hoping to loosen his hold on him.

“Please stop fighting! Shouto stop squirming!” Enji said in between hits, “We do not hit others, Shouto! Stop it NOW!” The man accidentally raised his voice, reaching down for his son's other arm. 

Shouto couldn't help the yelp that escaped his throat as his body automatically flinched back, freezing at the hand coming towards him too quickly. His dad’s face softened and he pulled him into a hug taking advantage of his frozen state and whispering gentle reassurances that he would never hurt him again. “How about we spend the rest of the morning in my room? We can sleep in and have a nice big breakfast later, alright?”

It's asked like a suggestion but really it's an order, that is what’s going to happen, Shouto has no choice in the matter. “Okay,” he responds, letting out a sad sigh as he is picked up and carried into his fathers bedroom. His uniform is shed and replaced with a soft pair of pajamas he’s never seen before. A soft pale gray footed sleeper with little white bunnies decorating the footies, a fluffy white belly, and fuzzy bunny ears on the hood. It oddly reminded him of something a infant would wear, his father looked strangely happy to see him in it. He shrugged it off, chalking it up to be more of his fathers strange new behavior and left it at that. Not bothering to argue, too devastated from being caught to think too hard about it. 

As the anger fled his body all that was left behind was a deep sadness at the thought of what he will lose. All his friends he’s bonded with will move forward in their paths to become heroes and he will be left behind stuck in this house with no one but his father. His father pulls him close to his body resting his chin on top of his head cuddling him like a teddy bear when he begins to cry as if that would comfort him. He wonders if his father even cares about why he’s crying himself to sleep. If he didn't, it wouldn't be the first time he ignored his children's pain in favor of doing what he wants. He falls asleep dreading waking back up at all. 

✧❅🕯❅✧

Then the next day his father had gone out briefly to consult with his doctors on a treatment plan for what exactly Shouto doesn't know. He feels fine but apparently something is still wrong since his dad arrived with a new medication prescribed specifically for him by his doctors. He said it was to prevent any latent negative effects to his brain, the head injury might have caused. He took the pill offered to him without further question. 

He didn’t notice the changes at first or his father’s underhanded plan at work. Looking back on it he should have been more suspicious of his fathers eager, almost giddy attitude whenever he took his “medicine”. Or the fact that every time he was given his daily dose of medication his father made sure to include a word that he now recognizes as a trigger. He didn't catch it at first but as time progressed and the dosage was upped the emphasis on the word became more overt and less subtle as the symptoms began to get stronger. 

“It’s just a little pill, it shouldn't be too hard to swallow, ” He took it, not much changed aside from him starting to feel a bit spacy and losing track of time. 

“It's just a couple more pills than usual Shouto. They're so little it shouldn't matter.”   He started to feel more tired in the day, often leading to his father putting him down for naps midday or else he’d find him sleeping in random spots around the house. His attention was also beginning to be drawn to the childish cartoons his father insisted on playing on the television for him. He had never paid attention to them before finding them boring but now he could hardly tear his eyes away. 

“It's time for your medicine, little boy.”   He began to stumble both on his words and his feet. Big words made his tongue feel heavy and his mouth syrupy, unable to move in a way necessary for complex speech. Instead of fighting through the thick fog to speak normally he found himself adjusting to broken speech and foggy state of mind. When he became frustrated with his unsteady steps and wobbly legs his father was quick to suggest a solution. ‘Maybe it would be easier if you crawled? There's less risk of serious injury if you fall when you are closer to the ground,’ he said as if it was the most obvious choice in the world. The pills made him more vulnerable to suggestion and easier to accept changes without noticing the oddity of what was being asked. Soon it was second nature for him to crawl around when he began to feel small.

“It’s time to be little , Shouto.” He doesn't know how long it's been but Daddy hasn't been giving him medicine anymore. With only a word the fuzziness invades his mind, reducing him into nothing more than a helpless child. Logic and complex thought are thrown out the window along with his fine motor skills. He finds simple things so much more painful and his emotions feel so much stronger. Tears are seemingly always leaking from his eyes followed by wails for his Daddy. But as easily as he is hurt, he is quick to forgive and forget, his little self is quite endeared with his father. Always reaching for Daddy to be picked up or cuddled, happy to play and indulge his Papa’s every whim. Or getting upset when his father leaves, whether to use the bathroom or make dinner. He finds himself tearing up wishing for his Daddy to come back, missing the man despite him being just down the hall.  It was irrational illogical but…somehow his father has managed to turn him into a sort of ghost of the past. He’s managed to bring out the child he once hurt and use him against Shouto.

By the time he had broken out of the trance and realized the word was what was triggering the fuzzy childlike state of mind, it was too late. He had already been trained. As soon as his father says the word, he doesn’t want to fight back any more. His little self doesn’t want to leave. He likes the new father, the kind father, the never violent father. He had been fooled.

What's worse is, he’s found that his mind is beginning to revert to that little headspace on its own. Whenever he is stressed or in pain he’ll regress back to that childlike state of mind even without his father around to initiate it. He’ll go back to being that naive dumb little boy, vulnerable and longing for a family that has long since left him behind.

His inner child is too trusting and helpless; his father doesn’t deserve to handle this part of him, especially not like this. Not when the only reason he got to see it at all was by betraying his trust and forcing him out. He should have never trusted in his father. He never realized how far his father would go to keep him trapped under his control until he did…

It had been during one of the rare moments that his father allowed him to be big, that he caught a glance at the date on his father’s phone screen. He had forgotten it on his bedside table while putting him down for a nap. Shouto had grabbed it, meaning to return it to his father when the screen lit up automatically. Then he saw it. Six months had passed. ‘No it can't be.’ he thought to himself shocked. It felt like just last week he had been trying to sneak out for the first day of school. There’s no way this could be right. Is this why his father had forbidden his electronics? Why he had any and all clocks removed from the house? The reason he couldn't watch any news? His body trembled as he clutched the device tightly in his hand. Rage lit his body as he heard heavy footsteps walking back towards his room. 

“Shouto baby, have you seen my–” Enji froze as he took in his son’s stormy expression looking down at the device in his hand. ‘Ah, I guess we're doing this today.’ he thinks to himself. It's a bit sooner than he expected but his baby has always managed to surpass his expectations so he shouldn’t be too surprised. It's alright he can work with this, though it is down to Shouto which route he takes. He hopes he chooses the path of least resistance but alas his baby has never known what's good for him.

“Is it true? Have I really been stuck here for half a year?” his father nodded in a nonchalant manner, seeming unbothered by his discovery. If that was true, how long has his father been on leave? There's no way the commission would allow him, The Number One Hero, to put off work for six consecutive months. And how come no one has reported they haven't seen Shouto in months. He knows he doesn’t have that wide of a social circle like most kids his age but surely someone must have noticed. Why hasn't anyone come to save him? What lies has his father been feeding everyone?

“Why–why would you do this?” Shouto asked dumbfounded because how deranged of a person do you have to be to brainwash your own child?! He knew his father was a bad man but this… The man may have truly lost his mind.

 His father simply answered, voice smooth and unperturbed, “It was for your own good.” 

“My own good?” The boy scoffed, “ How could stripping away my autonomy be for my own good! How could making me a prisoner of my own mind be good for me?! Huh? How dad! How could that ever be good for me!” his voice steadily rose with each remark until he was shouting at his father though the man remained unfazed. His expressionless face was beginning to piss Shouto off.

“You wouldn’t have stayed any other way.” Nothing about the man’s body language showed a hint of remorse. He doesn’t care what Shouto wants. He never has.

“Of course I wouldn’t! I never wanted to be here! You knew I wanted to go back to UA. Just how long did you plan on keeping me here!” Shouto screamed, before going quiet as a chilling thought crossed his mind. “If I hadn't caught on would you have ever let me go back?” 

“...” 

“Answer me dammit!” He was met with the silence, his fathers slack face and seemingly bored expression was enough of an answer. 

“You never changed, you're still the same controlling bastard you've always been. I was a fool to ever believe in you.” Tears of frustration welled up in heterochromatic eyes. Everything felt so big and out of his control. If he doesn't get his emotions under control soon he may slip back into his headspace. It’s game over if that happens. 

“My my you’re being quite fussy, you'll upset your stomach at this rate. We can have a talk after you've calmed down and had your nap. You'll feel better once you've slept a bit.” His father's face softened and voice returned to a gentle coo. It was like he could sense he was slipping and was trying to push him over the edge. 

Both sides of the boy lit up with flames and frost as he yelled. “Stop it! Stop with your wretched coddling! Stop acting like I’m a child! I've had enough! You can’t take away the life I've built just because you want a chance to right your wrongs. What's done is done, you can't change the past! You can't change me, I won't allow it! I don’t care if I have to fight you, I'm leaving!”  

“Shouto please you can’t go you're too li– ”

“Shut up!” he screamed, shooting spikes of ice towards his father knocking him off his feet. Encasing him in ice up to his nose leaving only enough space to breathe before kicking him in the head effectively knocking him out. He hurried out the bedroom encasing every door and corridor in ice on his way out to buy as much time as he could. He ran, wasting no time in changing out of his pajamas, only slipping on his shoes and running out of the house. He needed to find his mother.

•❅──────✧❅🕯❅✧──────❅•

The treatment really was working. He had been skeptical of the method at first but it truly was a miracle. Shouto will be the key to bringing his family back together. Soon his little boy will be reborn into the perfect baby, happy to be loved and cherished forever. If all things go according to plan he’ll have his family back in his pocket and a little one to adore. He'll have to call Kiego back later to thank him for all his help.

In the meantime he spent his time methodically melting the ice and cleaning up the place at a leisurely pace giving his son some time to run before he properly hunts him down. This is all a lesson for his own good afterall. If Enji really wanted to, he could have ended the fight the moment he entered the room by activating his conditioning but he didn't. Shouto needs to learn that he can never run from his father, on his own. He needs his spirit to be broken so no further attempts to distance himself from Enji can be made. Afterall Enji is only doing what's best for him. He just wants to care for his baby and love him like he never had before.

It took him seeing Shouto lying comatose in a hospital bed too big for him to realize the truth. He never wants to see his son on the battlefield ever again. He never wants to see him in hero garb fighting for his life or using that wretched quirk again. The future he had planned for him and the method of his creation had all been a mistake. Hero work wasn't safe for his baby. Because that's what Shouto is, his youngest baby. And he needs to protect him now unlike how he failed in the past. If only the boy would stop trying to run away.

Well if this is how the boy wants to play then Enji is happy to play along. He kept on his damp clothes even tearing them up in some places and finished applying his makeup before slipping on his house slippers before walking out the door. 

He hopes Shouto understands that he will never have another chance to run so he better get all that energy out of him now and realize he’ll never be able to escape his Daddy.

✧❅🕯❅✧

Shouto sniffed in his seat quietly letting out the last of his sobs as he watched the scenery rapidly change through the train's window. He felt the adrenaline from the altercation with his father slowly fading away leaving him tired and drained. He wiped away his tears with a handkerchief a kind old lady had given him two stops ago. It was pink with fluffy little bunnies hopping along the border. He wishes he were a little bunny, free to run and play with his bunny friends and be with his bunny family without a terrifying wolf constantly looming over them. 

The train car jostled, signaling it was coming to a stop. He shook off the childish train of thought and fuzziness beginning to creep into his mind. His mind was slipping but he couldn’t afford to lose focus now, he had to go see his mother. He walked out into the crowded station making his way towards the steps leading up to the exit. The hospital his mother is staying in is only a thirty minute walk from the station. If he runs he can get there in ten. He makes his way through the sea of people not caring who he was bumping into or listening to them cry out after him. He didn’t notice a familiar head of green hair looking his way. 

The run to the clinic wasn't a long one but it felt unbearable. He hasn't exercised in such a long time. His lungs were burning, his throat ached thirsting for water, and his legs were already cramping. Usually a little run like this would be a breeze but thanks to his father’s constant babying he’s hardly walked in months let alone ran. By the time he made it to the hospital he was panting and dripping with sweat. “I definitely did not make it here in ten minutes. I’ll need to work extra hard to get back into shape once I get back in school”, he huffed in thought as he pushed open the door leaning on it to catch his breath for a minute before walking up to the service desk. 

An emotion Shouto can’t quite discern flickered over the nurse’s face for a moment as she took in his appearance before returning to a polite smile. “Hello there, how can I help you?” 

“I need to see my mother, her name is Todoroki Rei. The matter is urgent. If you could give me clearance quickly it would be very much appreciated.” he said through harsh breaths, cheeks flush from physical exertion. 

“Alright, one second let me pull up your records. Your name is?”

“Todoroki Shouto.” 

“Alrighty…hmm,” the nurse's brows furrowed, staring at the computer screen before asking. “Would you mind answering some quick questions for me first Todoroki-kun? 

“Please keep it brief. I need to see my mother,” Shouto answered tersely. He had no time to waste who knows how long his father will stay unconscious. He needs to act fast.

“Alright now what is the reason for your visit?”

“I need to speak to my mother regarding my schooling and father’s behavior.” That’s putting it briefly. He needs to tell her how that man had been brainwashing him and keeping him prisoner for months now. And to apply for custody and get him out or tell Fuyumi or Natsuo to try. He doesn’t care who it is, living with any of them would be better than his Father.

“And how did you get here? Did you come here all by yourself?” 

“Yes I took the train.” Do they ask everyone their mode of transportation when visiting?

“Alright and does anyone know that you're here right now?”

“No. Are we done yet? Can I go see my mother now?” He knows hasn’t visited in a while but these questions seem odd. 

“Sorry sweetie, just one more question, okay?” 

“Fine,” the boy snapped, beginning to feel irritated. While he knows this particular hospital typically  is for high profile patients usually heroes, celebrities, politicians and their families alike. He’s never been interrogated like this. Usually they just ask for his name, check his file, and let him through. He’s never had this much trouble before.

“You said there was an issue with your father, who is listed as your primary guardian. What is it?”

“He’s been acting insane. He locks me away in our home and won’t let me go to school. He keeps treating me like a child and won’t listen to me when I tell him to stop. He’s awful. I want to come live with my mom instead.” Why is she looking at him like that? Oh…oh no. He knows that look. She's looking at him the same way his father does, like he’s helpless and in need of protection. 

“Oh honey but you are a child and judging from your file a very sick one who's been through a lot. How about we call up your Daddy and see what he has to say about all this okay?” The nurse's tone was both condescending and sickeningly sweet just like his father. Dammit she’s not taking him seriously.

“No! You can’t call him! He’s crazy, he’ll lock me back up again!” Shouto begged her to listen. “Please, I don't want him to come get me.”

“It's alright honey, I'm just going to make a quick call. Have a seat in the meanwhile.” No. He can’t just wait here to be caught. If the nurse didn’t believe him, maybe the police would. He’ll just have to take that chance. 

Shouto ran to the exit and pushed the doors but no matter how hard he tried they would not open. They had been locked remotely. He looked back to see the nurse eyeing him sympathetically before tapping her headset and saying. “Hey I got a child of a patient expressing very concerning behavior. His file contains multiple illnesses and injuries within the last year. [It states the patient is incompetent, experiences PTSD, Delusions, Paranoia, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Panic Disorder, Depression, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc] It states that the child is both a danger to himself and others and is in constant need of supervision. He’s down here alone showing signs of delusion. I need security down here now to help restrain him while I call up his family.”

“No please you don’t understand. If he catches me, I’ll never see the light of day again.” Shouto pleaded but all the nurse did was put a finger up to her mouth and made a light shushing noise at him as she dialed the number into the phone. 

He tried to use his ice to weaken the doors but for some reason his frost would not stick, it would slip right off the door. The windows wouldn’t shatter either; they were both likely quirk proof. He could start a fire and force the staff to evacuate everyone and escape during the chaos. But it felt wrong to cause stress to already sick patients staying in the hospital, especially when his mother is one of them. 

Lost in thoughts of escape he didn’t notice the security guards barreling towards him until he felt strong hands locking around his waist pulling him away from the exit. He struggled and fought against the burly man's hold, kicking and screaming "Let me go!”. But the man held him still, sitting down on one of the chairs and folded him onto his lap while another guard forced Shouto’s arms behind his back and wrapped quirk restraints around his wrists and another set on his ankles. Then sat him on his own chair to wait for his father, each still keeping a firm grip on one of his arms. 

Soon enough his father was bursting through the clinic's doors eyes scanning the waiting room before zeroing in on him. He looked like he had been beaten and dragged through a storm. His clothes were damp and ragged, likely from breaking himself out of the ice though that didn't explain the injuries. Where did he get that black eye and busted lip from? Shouto certainly hadn’t given it to him. He struggled against his bonds harder as he walked towards him, picking him up and quietly thanking the guards. 

He tried to buck out of his hold but the look his father shot at him sent shivers up his spine and made him go still. That look promised hell when they went back home. He’s known that look since childhood it meant ‘behave while we're in public or I’ll make you wish you were dead. He stayed quiet as his father followed the nurse he was speaking with earlier to a private office. The paper crinkled underneath him as he was placed in the treatment chair, his father sat across from him on a waiting chair, while the nurse sat on her desk turning on the monitor..

“Thank you so much for calling me. I’ve been looking everywhere for him.” He heard his father tell the nurse. He couldn't believe she couldn't see the smug satisfaction radiating off the man under the overly fake concerned look on his face. 

“Your welcome, I noticed the changes in his chart and knew he was not supposed to be here on his own. He ended up making quite the scene trying to leave before you arrived and had to be retrained for his own safety.” What? What changes is she talking about? He shifted to glance at the monitor but couldn't quite move the way he wanted in the restraints.

“I am so sorry about him, we had an argument this morning and he got a bit violent. He knocked me straight off my feet. I must've hit my head on the way down because when I woke up hours later, he was gone. I’ve been running all over the city looking for him.” Enji said, putting a hand behind his neck as if he were embarrassed. In his pajamas with messy hair and bags under his eyes. The man looked like nothing more than a disgruntled dad. The nurse was already eating the act up and eyeing him with pity as if Shouto was the real problem here, not his father. 

“Oh how terrible! Does he usually have violent outbursts?” 

“He does but it’s not his fault. The commission should have never allowed the students to help aid in battle. His brain suffered serious damage from the fight that will affect him for the rest of his life. Ever since he’s been having trouble taking in his surroundings and remembering that he's no longer fighting. He has no way to distinguish reality from his delusions and often confuses myself and others for villains.” Enji spoke gravely, eyes glistening as if what he was saying were true. 

“Stop lying! I’m not crazy! He’s lying! Tell her the truth!” Shouto’s shouting was ignored; they spoke over him like he wasn’t even there. 

“Oh dear, that is very concerning. Is he currently being treated for these issues? Why isn’t she listening? Why can’t she see he’s lying?

“Yes, he’s currently out of school to be treated.” His father answered, sounding exhausted. 

“He mentioned something about needing to see his mother and his schooling.” 

“Yes he has a certain delusion where he believes his mother is in danger and only he can save her. He most likely–”

“Stop it! Tell the truth! Tell her! Say it you damn liar!” He felt like he was going to burst a blood vessel as he screamed. Why is no one listening to him? Why does no one else ever see the man for what he truly is? A monster, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Why can no one ever see past the word hero?

“Oh no the poor dear is becoming quite hysterical, would you like me to administer a mild sedative to quiet him down?” 

“That would be great, thank you.” His father answered with a bone tired sigh, that even he would believe if he didn’t see the corners of his lips quirking up as the nurse turned around to prepare the medication. 

“Alright it’ll just feel like a little pinch. I’m sure a big boy like you can handle that right?”

“No stop please! I don’t want that!” He flinched as he felt the needle piercing his skin. 

“There there, you’ll start feeling better in a minute sweetheart.”

“N-nothing w-rong…wi’t me.” Shouto slurred, trying his best to stay awake. Who knows what else his father may start lying about. 

“One more thing I’d like to touch on before you leave today is his quirk usage. We noticed in an attempt to escape he tried to use his quirk on multiple occasions against the facility's doors and windows. Thankfully they are reinforced with quirk suppressing technology and we had cuffs on hand for particularly powerful patients but it would have been a very difficult situation if we didn't.  Controlling his power output would be very helpful to prevent more accidents like this one from occurring. Modern suppressants are fairly low risk and come in chewable tablets for children or neck cuff form. I would really recommend them for your son.” 

“No…no mor’..m-med’cin’...” Ignored once again. They were treating him like he was a pet that was too dumb to comprehend the conversation so they didn't bother trying to speak with him. Will everyone treat him like this? As soon as he speaks out against his father will they turn against him and treat him like a dumb pet too? “Will anyone ever believe him?”

“I’ll take both. I've been trying to get him on suppressants for a while now but his primary doctor kept insisting his behavior didn’t warrant them. Thank you so much for listening to me.” Why do they always listen to him?

“Of course! I just have to take off these cuffs now and switch them out for his necklace and he should be good to go.” Shouto tried to move once he felt the cuffs being removed but his body felt like it was full of lead, everything felt so heavy he could hardly wriggle his toes let alone lift an arm. He couldn’t fight against the sleek metal collar being placed around his neck clicking into place in a way he knew meant it had been locked.

“I’ll send over that prescription to your nearest pharmacy and they should call you when it's ready to be picked up. If that's all you can go ahead and take him home. Have a good day!”

“Thank you so much for your help. We’ll be off now.” Enji carried the limp boy out of the room walking through the halls towards the exit quite pleased with himself.

“H-he’ crazy…don’t wan’a go! D-don’ let..h’m…take m-me!” Shouto slurred one last call before the doors closed. Urging someone, anyone to help him, to come save him. As usual his call was ignored as it had been his entire life. 

“They won’t believe you Shouto. Do you want to know why? Because who would ever believe a sick little boy over the Number One Hero? It’s your word against mine. And your word means nothing . It never has and it never will.” Enji whispered into his ear, shushing his son softly as he began to cry. Soft cries turned into wails as he slipped into headspace. 

“Oh baby mine don't you cry. Daddy loves you so much.” His father cooed, patting him gently on the back while rocking him side to side. To everyone else in the hospital he just seemed like a caring father doting on his poor sick son, none of them could see the unhinged glint in his eye or hear the crazed tone of obsession in his voice. “We'll be going home soon.” The place where you will stay once and for all.

✧❅🕯❅✧

Omakes

-Izuku spotting Shouto's hair in the crowd: Now wait a damn minute🤨

Shouto running away: I am speed 💨

-Enji to Shouto this entire fic: Gaslight💋, Gatekeep✨, Girlboss💅

-Enji: I will never ever hurt you again~𖹭

Also Enji: No one will ever believe you because no one cares about you or what you have to say.

Shouto: Guess he just meant physically🫤

[starsologyy]

𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐈𝐍 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑, 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐔𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐃 𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: confessing to someone you thought had also liked you back doesn’t seem to go as you planned. 

SERIES MASTERLIST

𝐍𝐎𝐕 𝟗 𝟐𝟎𝟎𝟕, 𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆.

[Y/N]’S DIARY. 

drafts of the chill wind flew amidst the showers of raindrops floating delicate in the sky, following the sunlight pouring into your room as it caresses your eye bags built from fatigue to awake you from slumber. Little to do as you now gazed at the ceiling, but part of you rather enjoyed the simpleness of it all. When streaks of sapphire mixed with violet to resemble a mix of a sea of flowers suddenly flutter past the roof you have mesmerized trance on, you realize a butterfly has taken a cozy habitat inside your room this very morning. Possibly to signify fast change on the slowest day you could ever dream of. It cracks a smile on your face nonetheless, and it causes you to wonder how city-folk lived without noticing these rather insignificant things. Stillness though of course, was never guaranteed in land where everybody must occupy their hands at a given moment; yet, little of their ambition still lays a chance to be better than the calmness of the dawn and the charm of nature you arise to

No better though to the haste of town, you’re a foolish girl who accompanied the moonlight to sooth its loneliness when the people and daylight rested outside your window. With your rigorous yet consistent scribbles on fresh white paper, school is what regretfully keeps you alive against will in this journey of these constant evenings. Hilarious of a joke it was to judge others for not enjoying peace when you yourself immersed in the opposite of it. Perhaps to fill the void of daytime noise, you usually caved in to call to the boy who lives opposite your bedroom window during those moments. He maintains stillness while solving his math homework, and you interrupt it with your reading of English homework. Ironic though you would describe it when he criticized the stress of it; yet, he was the one who kept you awake during these sessions. 

A sigh escapes your lips with the subject of these revelations.  

The result of this morning was from one of those same nights. ‘Ru’ you would usually murmur by now to wake him out of his sleep beside you. His full name’s ‘Suguru Geto’ and yet the childhood habit to call him your nickname lingers similar to how the scent of your dad’s coffee grounds does on your clothes when it seeps through the crack of your door every sunrise. The joy of familiarity and care you feel when participating in this habit admittedly makes you want to question why you do, but you decide not to.

 Suguru continues to lie in utter peace amidst your cotton comforters as you start to lose focus-ness to the abundance of your illusive thoughts at the moment. he had no plan to awaken anytime soon it seemed (despite your clock signaling 8 o clock last time you checked), so you were stuck at this very moment. Aside from the exams for university soon arriving and the studying that’s going to accompany it, you can't remember what else should occupy your head. It was on the rims of your lips, maybe even to the cuticles you probably shouldn’t pick. Ah, what could it be? Did something happen last night?

Oh!

 “Even when we watch these shitty dramas I think you’re still the prettiest girl.”

Oh yeah. That was what happened last night. Your childhood best friend told you that you were pretty while you guys were watching some cheesy kdrama in the middle of night. 

 7 hours ago, your brows scrunched at a scene where the main character rambled about how ugly she was even though she had appeared to be adorning at least 20 layers of makeup for that scene. And if that goddess said that, You were thinking, what were you then with all this acne and blemishes on your skin? You weren’t sure if you had been obvious to your own insecurities resurfacing at the time, but he clearly did. 

Because at that moment, Suguru had mumbled those 14 words which bought you out of them almost immediately . Only then you noticed how his eyes laid on you in a slow trance, pupils dancing and being mesmerized to survey from the softness of your pillowy lips to the way the crack of your delicate smile could even surpass the beauty of the sun itself. A gaze in his eyes that could lead you believing he found you prettier than that actress on tv in your wildest dreams. “—Don’t even need makeup honestly.” He even whispered afterwards, like he needed further to steal air out of your throat.

You try to reason that he was simply joking like those other times, but the way his cheeks remained flushed when you turned back to look, told you that you could never disregard this as a lie when you had all the evidence you needed. Some would consider this you simply being desperate, but you dared gained courage to argue that this night reminded you of the feelings you kept stored inside your heart. 

He was flustered before turning back to the TV.

 Lame (lack of) response yeah, but what a night it was, to be reminded of your insecurities, then to be reminded of your feelings for your childhood again. You had decided to forget about it at that late hour, afraid it would affect your studies for the exam in the  future.

But here you were this morning, again pondering upon possibilities that laid scattered behind the thinly veil of fate if you had even whispered that you heard the lowness of his utmost kindness. A lie to yourself, it was a crime to Suguru you committed last night. However, let’s say you suddenly confess the truth of always wanting to be more to him and he accepts it. If you had then entertained the fantasy of being the one beside him when he grows old and starts to wear knitted sweaters (you would be the one to do), what would it entail? You picked at the scenario in a manner similar to a loose stitch on your pajama sweater, but you couldn’t find con in any of those of domestic scenarios, leading to a conclusion that had caught up finally since its emergence from middle school.

    You still liked Suguru—hell, even loved Suguru. 

   Probably would even marry him based on that knitting scenario.

 Your heart lays intertwined with the mere existence of him; how its threads pull to every word he whispers to you, how it beats to the rhythm of his own, how it yearns to even be closer than what it seems right. You could recall every detail about him if he asked randomly, like how Suguru stared at you for hope every time he’s at a game even if he told you he wasn’t worried in the previous 10 minutes before, preferred to keep his meals separated by food group, and even hated wearing fuzzy socks because they’re itchy to him.

 Somewhere inside you knew as well that Suguru would be able to tell you the small things about yourself. You two knew each other like you were the only people alive at this movement, and yet you have always forbid yourself from ever telling him what you truly felt about him even when opportunities have risen since the moment you first met in elementary. 

To bathe in the naivety of adolescence, dancing amidst the winds of the fleeting carelessness this world gifts all at this era of time, your youth used to cradle significant hope that he would ever realize how your heart longed for his own. To age however is to be punished with the inevitability of truth, and why you had soon learned to forbid mention of those sentiments was so you could save your dying pride if he had even mumbled words resembling the idea of rejection. No matter how many shojos you could read in spare time, whimsical they would only ever be to give you hope that Suguru would regard you as someone prettier than the girls he witnessed everyday. Nothing rather special you were even past the idea of beauty, even lacking possession of talent that would’ve made you stand out in this world. It was selfless, righteous almost of you to keep this tenderness encaged in the vacancy of your heart if he meant he would receive better than what you and this small town could offer. 

Yet you question why you still didn’t feel good when he told you that he had to reside with his father up north for a while when both of you were eleven. Nauseous you remember feeling when he didn’t smile as if he was merely joking about this, that you would actually be alone once more while he was gone. The tears you wept and wailed when you tried to pull on his arm to not let him enter that car, all went to waste that day. However while he had whispered to you he’ll call you everyday, you were still too young to understand life without him to be content enough even with that claim of his.

Somehow after years you still remembered what Suguru said to you when he arrived home eventually, climbing out of the cramped van his mom could only afford with the little support she had from her job at the nearby tailor shop. You weren’t the first he approached because of the distance you attempted to have, but you never forgot the tears that aligned with the tiredness of his soft eyes when you two made the slightest of contact, like he had been waiting his lifetime for the gods to reward him this moment. Many things happened during his absence and you were tempted to leave them in the dust known as silence for the thought he wouldn’t care, and yet somewhere you knew that he would carry their burden as his own if it meant it would relieve the heaviness of your heart; so, you decide to tell him, and he broke. 

The worst of you he accepted with no hesitation. No matter how many times you had told him to leave you, pushed him and had him waiting on nobody to come out of the door, he would be there. Perhaps it was guilt for all that happened during his disappearance, but he never seemed exhausted dealing with your stubbornness. Suguru cradled your flaws like they’re what to praise, leaving you to break into the comfort of his arms eventually when your anger had ultimately grown dormant. The warmth of his chest and the gentle rubbing motion of his contrasting rough hands on your freckled back telling you that he would take anything you throw at him, and that he’ll be here to sooth them when you’re ready to. 

Somewhere in your soul yelled the reemergence of feelings for Suguru during the first couple of years, but you decided to bury it like the frog you dissected in biology at the time, so it could be forgotten for the sake of this preservation of joy. From there, High School emerged to be greater than middle school, in which meeting new friends, working at the part time restaurant, sampling the tastiest of treats at the nearby corner shops led time to pass the both of you so swiftly in a mere blink of an eye. 

 Eighteen the both of you now were, though, searching universities to eventually do their exams for. The two of you had planned the same university, but inside you knew you would have to settle for less, for he to be greater than you even in the intelligence you once had great ego in. Suguru will be accepted, and he’ll be ripped apart from your fragile grasp once more like you were the preteens from seven years ago. You had wanted to forget the inevitable, but it lays its hands around your neck to steal breath when you try to find even the slightest solace you’ll be able to pass the eventual exam of entering the same university as him. Fleeting it was to search for chance, you usually stuck to basking in the joy you found from spending time with him. But even this morning it suffocates you despite him being right beside you. 

Delusion you called it when you used to twirl a strand of your hair along your finger, daydreaming the day that he acknowledges you as a girl. Now that it happened just last night, your body instead remains planted in horror of learning how to face the unrest of the unknown mystery from your grasp. 

 You let a quiet sigh take the place of the plethora of words you would’ve wished to exasperate to Suguru’s ears if he was awake, to perhaps communicate acknowledgment of what worries lies beneath your own skin. Picking gently at thread sewn cheaply on your sheets, you hum rhythmic melody to decide what you shall do next to decide this heartbreaking fate. Coward as you could be, to perhaps leave it to fate, to let whatever chance that exists guide you both into whatever you’re meant to be. Yet, that didn’t feel right for once. Inside your conscience, you realize guilt would be all you knew from there on if you had let the fate of your ignorant silence hold your peace. And you realize you don’t think you can live with yourself if bitterness of regret was all you could taste on the very tip of your tongue.  

 So with that, you decide to marry yourself to the foolish phenomena known as risk at this very moment instead, letting the fleeting sensation of freedom seep deep into every pore of your flesh so you could perhaps have a chance at the semblance of satisfaction without regret for once. In short, you were going to tell Suguru you loved him to get it off your chest once and for all. When he woke up of course. 

“ I know I’m hot but staring at me while I’m sleeping is a little creepy you have to admit.” 

Fuck he’s awake. 

 Forcing your head to swiftly turn to whatever you could lay sight on at the moment, ready to deny his accusations with a playful remark you’ll come up with in under a millisecond, he takes you by awful surprise when he slightly lifts up his (notably well built) body to yours, holding you in his grasp. 

“Come on, only guilty people hide themselves. Never seen an innocent person hide.”

“Whatever.”

“What are you thinking about then?”

“Nothing. Promise.”

 “Yeah because ‘nothing’ would be you tossing around in bed like some fucking maniac.” He comments, “So tell me, what really has you tryna hide something from me if you’re thinking about it this hard? You don’t seem to be so innocent, you know.” He teases, accompanying it with a singsong-like voice, intentionally grating your nerves (even if you have to admit he was right about you lying.)

“University. we’ll be separated soon, you know? guess i’ve been a little worried.” your lips whispered finally, murmuring almost, the gentleness in the strings of words you chose so light that the currents of wind and sea decide to spare you the everlasting burden of those worries in their amazement, letting him sustain them all instead. You roll your eyes at the thought of telling yourself before you would confess the truth of your fondness, and yet here you are now, bothering him with meaningless concerns instead. “I’m not even that amazing or whatever. I can’t catch up to you even if I study twenty four seven for those exams.”

Suguru lied in thought for a moment seemingly, only to conceal the two of you from the world swiftly with his hands dragging the blanket to lie on top of you both. being under the sheets together like children, you dared turn your body to witness his stare on yours. selfish, you would call him when he appeared in your gaze completely, for him to then lower his head merely centimeters close to your own, curling slowly into the emptiness near your neck to hear even the slightest of hitches of your breath. “what the hell are you doing?—” 

There you realized the situation, that you were under the sheets with him, like children again, heart to heart, only centimeters away. 

You realize eventually that maybe those concerns weren’t meaningless. Meaningful they would be before you have to decide whether or not to admit that you want to be his as long as he’ll take you. Maybe you’ll find a flaw to make an issue out of, so you wouldn’t have to tell Suguru your feelings by excusing your cowardice with denial. 

 “Come on, you don’t think I’m letting you grow apart again, right. Right? Tell me.” he muttered, sparing no sense of embarrassment when he stared directly at you. Suguru’s kind, and he’s not making you feel awful. It’s the bare minimum but your  lips start to tremble when you leap faith to dare admit truth in the fragility yet seclusion of this makeshift “home” from others. “Ru, us growing apart is bound to happen.” you could almost feel a lake forming along your water lines, “so many things I just haven’t told you cause I don’t want you to know my secrets before you have to leave again. What’s the use of knowing something about my life?”

 “If you go to the university, I know you’ll join the basketball team and become a rich engineer with a spot on the national team probably later on.”  “I have nothing. Nothing is waiting for me like crap is for you. Don’t you understand that?”

An uncomfortable silence laced your room at the moment, and you could tell both of you lacked a chance of  falling asleep again to the melody of the hummingbirds outside anytime soon until an answer was said. You decide to arise out of the bundle of fabric, resting your back on the wooden headboard, trembling to find somewhere to hide the recency of the puffiness surrounding  your eyes. Suguru follows soon after, inching closer once more to find the dip of your hips to pull you beside him. Movements like these never seemed to confuse you in the past but now they left you restless once more. 

 “Jesus it’s okay to cry—but come on. That’s not going to help make you feel any better.” He grumbled, ruffing your hair in the large palms of his hand. “You’re not going to suddenly end up fucked up after highschool.” Suguru flicks your forehead, “And I’m not going to just suddenly disappear, even when you think you might not get into that university.”

 “Don’t worry about things you know I’ll be there for. What’s the point of crying when things fix themselves? A uni doesn’t do shit anyways. You’ll find something more worth crying about eventually.” 

 Suguru’s voice attempts to stay brave in the face of your fears when he says this; however its fragility you can tell cracks when it forces his own terror urges to release  its ugly head. You can tell a part of him didn’t know the truth of it all, but he was willing to be dishonest if it meant you would even crack the slightest of a smile.  Man a being who lives his life full of righteousness in his veins with sureness in every word he calls out, he tries to make things right when he knows it has been wronged.  Suguru lives his life no different than who he is as this being, assuring you endlessly like he had eternity to spare if it meant your happiness would be guaranteed. Especially after his plenty of mistakes that had convinced you he would disappear again, he seemed to have precaution when it came to your worries. It makes you happy, admittedly, the thought of your existence being so persistent in his head that he bends over spine and sanity to give what your heart pleases. His values of truth and righteousness seemed to pale in value when it was your joy on the line, and the cynical pleasure of knowing that becomes obvious where you now have a lopsided grin on your face.

 “Guess someone’s believing me now since you’re smiling like an idiot now. I missed that smile, you know?” Suguru chuckles, pinching your cheek in his hand to ignite a somehow wider grin on you. “Very cute–” he closes his eyes, extending his sentence; “For an annoying ass motherfucker—”, he ends off, even cackling afterwards at the frown that quickly approaches your face afterwards.

 “Whatever.” You punched gently at his chest, resting your hands in your lap before your eyes strayed off to the nature outside your window, letting him catch his breath after his (not) humorous joke on you. He seemed to relieve your main concerns before confessing, so there shouldn't be anything left to prevent you from saying anything finally.  Your senses seem to heighten out of their fright though at the thought of doing so, and at its pinnacle you could almost hear every slight movement of the strawberry clock on the beige wall as if every click it made represented a skipping beat inside your running heart.  Soon, after a minute now passes by, you now decide  you’re going to wait for some form of sign to appear. Something to push you out of this standstill state. (Perhaps) Luckily for you though, amidst the golden and bitter caramel leaves of Autumn, a certain butterfly appears anew to seize your wandering sight with its cerulean hue, fluttering wings that behold their spectacular gradient of iridescent indigo. It seems to call out to you to speak this truth or you will be forced forever to hold an insincere notion of peace. In your very own nature all you knew was to be awfully rash, so you decide to listen to the creature's outcries to the end. Its presence plans to be the fragment of fate’s will for you to do this, so you enact it finally. 

“Geto Suguru, I like you.” 

His eyes widened, but his lips remained glue you think since you heard nothing after you shut your eyes to avoid having to see whatever face may appear. You’re not sure if the butterfly has left your side, yet you don’t seem to stop or stumble somehow, letting the flow of adrenaline take over you.

“I really really like you Suguru. And I'm not talking about a stupid school crush either—but I love you so much that I hope we’ll get married in a flower area in this shitty countryside—and I was being a pussy to tell you because I didn’t want to ruin whatever we had before university—” your hands start to bunch the bed sheets, “And if everything is so easy for you to understand and you can say that say you’ll be with me all of the time, is this really that surprising to hear?—” You had plans to continue on with this rant, but it’s clear he had different ones when he suddenly places his lips on yours.

Geto Suguru, your childhood best friend, was kissing you at this moment.

How the nerves contained inside your very veins freeze as if they were exposed to the harshness of the  autumn breeze outside; yet, they can’t resist leaning into the warmth of Suguru’s touch when his fingertips simply dance on your exposed skin. They leave crackles of sudden warmth almost when they move and make their way further down your waist, defrosting any nervousness hidden inside you. And with little to hold back, you continue to press the softness of your lips further into his, enjoying the delicate sensation of how they connect like they were puzzles in a set out of the million you desperately search for. When he kisses you, you realize Suguru seems to desperately try to continue apologizing for all of the tears and years he left you, the months and the days where he left you abandoned to what lies in the vastness of this world.  Suguru kisses you familiarly like you were his wife, and he has finally returned for the fourth lifetime you guys share so he can meet you and marry you. 

 All of this in the mere seconds he continued, to then simply pull apart after almost a minute or two it felt like.  He looks almost relieved for a moment, only for his brows to furrow as he jumps out of bed to find the beater of a tank top he left on your bed last night. Muttering from multiple curses stringing his rigids breaths, he forces on the baggy jeans he wore yesterday, only to tighten his leather belt a second later, leaving you no crevice of instant to even ask or stop him. 

To find meaning of this, shouldn’t it be obvious he had accepted whatever scraps of a confession you gave him? Why would have he kissed you if he hadn’t meant to say yes? Questions of those nature form inside your throat, and you knew you lacked maturity at 18 when you decided to lace the words with venom in the hurt you were bathed in, from the possibility he didn’t accept these feelings despite stealing your first kiss. Even your naivety proved itself true from the way the tears of your frustration started to swell within your water lines. But all of those things didn’t matter if you could only figure how everything suddenly went south as if suddenly your words don’t even matter anymore when he’s about to reach the golden knob of the wooden door. 

 “Wait so this means you like me? Come on, you kissed me back! At least tell me. You were so fucking ironic on making me tell you how I felt so at least tell me how you do.” You call, standing up to now chase after him before pulling on his arm. 

Suguru stops. 

He stands still for a moment, deciding to give you the decency of his direct attention. You should’ve been glad for that. But what he says afterwards, you wish he had spared you a saint’s mercy to leave you clueless. 

 “I don’t. I could never love you. Forget that kiss. It was a mistake. All it was.” He almost raises his voice when he says this, making sure every single fragment of your soul hears his regret in agreeing to whatever spell you had put him under at that moment.  Suguru loses the warmth he once had in his touch before he tugs away from your grasp once more, likely to escape to the  downstairs of your house. 

You knew it was no use to cry, how he wouldn’t magically accept your feelings even if you had a tantrum right there and then, but you couldn’t help but let droplets about a river's amount run down your cheeks. There was nothing left to say now clearly. No words in the immense vocabulary of the world to convince him to stay. Silence had carried itself to be all that the air contained now, leaving it to be heavy as you had anticipated to soon hear the sound of the door opening and closing from his departure. The silence cuts itself though when you hear Suguru whisper under shallow breath.

“Don’t cry over me you know, just, let’s pretend it didn’t happen. Please. Can’t bear to see you cry.” 

 A scoff releases amidst the chokes bunched in your throat at that statement, but your heart betrays you when your tears seem to dry to mist as his hand reaches to sooth the top of your heart. Its weight leaves after a blink, and then you hear a rushed sorry, the sound of the door closing follows it. 

 “Go. Go away.” You manage the guts to spit despite the lack of  his presence in this inhospitable space. With nothing else to do, you decide to see if your friends were somehow awake this morning to go bother, hurriedly throwing pillows to the ground in search for your almost dead phone most likely. You locate it finally, and you plan to call the two friends you knew were definitely up by the way they texted you and Suguru last night to come visit in the morning. 

Maybe they were expecting Suguru to come with you, but no way in hell. 

“Hey, Can I come over later? Before 10? Happy birthday by the way, Kana.” You say when they pick up the call, trying to clear the congestion in your chest to not make the breakdown you had a moment before so obvious. Kana. Your other best friend. Satoru, your very close friend. Surely both of them had space for you even before the agreed meet up time.

 And luckily for you, they did have space by the way their voices reach a pitch no like other to say of course you could. You’re quick to say thanks and end the call, collapsing to sit against the wall of this tiny bedroom. Kana’s birthday gifts remain stagnant on the shelves of your wall to remind you to take it when it leaves, but it serves to leave you in the agony of the misfortune that your first ever rejection came from her older brother. 

 How would you even tell Suguru’s sister and best friend that you tried telling him about your longtime crush? You would have to figure that out before nine o'clock, and with about thirty minutes to spare, you take the liberty to scream into the pillow with your back facing the ceiling for a good chunk of the time about it. Like a child you kicked and yelled to seemingly no end, possibly hoping that somewhere inside the wretchedness barely held behind the cages of your ribs, Suguru would hear this anguish you’re going through and finally tell you he was simply joking in the end; however, the room remains silent. 

 All that could ever have a hint of sound now came from the emerging fragments of your thoughts, how they attempt to consume woe to dare convince you that this was the right thing. for the better of it, of course. it couldn’t be you in the end if Suguru had desired success. Yet, somewhere inside the unfurling chaos in which you start to pick at the skin at the tips of your fingers, you start to sob once more. If he was doing the right thing, why was it hurting so much? 

Almost fifteen minutes later, gravity seems to have abandoned you when you force yourself  to rise from the wrinkled sheets you ruined and your knees can barely stand straight; however, your hurt forces you to find something decent to wear despite this fatigue, likely out of the consolation that “you didn’t need his validation anyways”. You then tie your sneakers as you stare out to gauge what weather you’ll curse (the one you realize you have dressed too thin for), and that’s when you witness a familiar presence from before. 

Because in your hurt, you somehow see the same butterfly from this morning flap its wings again, now taking haste to depart from the still it once occupied. 

[gemini-sensei]

Poly!Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz x Chubby!LaRusso!Reader x Demetri Alexopoulos

Fem!Reader ✨️ suggestive/steamy/fade to black

I finally got to doing this and omg I love it lol. I'll definitely be doing more of this pairing because ahhh! (unedited) (@sensei-venus)

✨️ Demetri and Reader have a friendship from the moment he joins Miyagi-Do. She makes him feel welcome when he comes in and they get close over the summer. If he feels like he's not getting it, she cheers him on and tells him that he's got this. He develops a crush on her by the time school starts.

✨️ The tension between him and Hawk is... a lot, and anytime Hawk wants to come around to mess with Demetri, Reader is right there to back him up. She gets in his face to show him that she isn't going to back down just because he's a "big bad Cobra." He laughs at her and asks her what she's gonna do about it. "Why don't you come over here and find out!"

✨️ Her attitude attracts Hawk in little time, but he keeps up his tough guy act because she's the "enemy." He can't like her.

✨️ In the mean time, he's rolling his eyes as he watches her and Demetri run circles around each other; he looks at her when she's not paying attention, she laughs at all his lame jokes, they walk together in the halls with stupid little smiles on their faces. Hawk hates it and it fuels his misdeeds from time to time...

✨️ When Hawk leaves Cobra Kai, though, Demetri welcomes him with open arms, almost as if they'd never been on opposing sides at all. Reader is not at friendly and turns her cheek to him more times than he can count on one hand. He tries to make things right with her multiple times, but she's stubborn.

✨️ It isn't until him and Demetri show her the plans for the sparring deck that she's happy to have him around - it shows her real dedication to being one of the good guys in her eyes. So, while they're working together, they get to know each other a little better and have some good laughs.

✨️ Meanwhile, Demetri is on the side wondering if he should have made a move on Reader sooner, but ultimately fights with himself over it because he's not sure if she likes him. Plus, some old feelings have resurfaced since Eli's return...

✨️ Skip to the All Valley and Eli's swimming in a lonely pool of deflated confidence. Reader and Demetri are right beside him, cheering him on the whole time. They give up on him and when he needs a boost in confidence, Reader is right there to give it to him. She tells him he can do anything he sets his mind to because all his training, everything leading up to now, has made him his best self.

✨️ She kisses him as a sort of affirmation and a confession. Watching him for months has gotten her heart in a tangle of emotions and she knows she needs to let him know that she's in his corner and that she believes in him. It's the perfect little piece to get all that across if her words weren't enough. He grabs her waist and they're lip locked for a moment - a longer moment than they probably should have been. Daniel sees them and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" It was bad enough two of his best fighters were macking on the mat, but his daughter? Really?

✨️ Demetri is smiling, happy for them. He thinks he's been left to the wayside, but it's okay. Whatever flirting thing he had going on with Reader was fun while it lasted and his long standing feelings for Eli can be hidden away again. It's no big deal.

✨️ Except it doesn't quite play out that way. As time goes on, Eli and Reader start dating, but they always ask Demetri to come with them to the movies or to the arcade. It's fun, but Demetri feels awkward at first; he's obviously the third wheel. He wonders why they keep asking him to come out with them, but soon gets his answer when he's sitting beside Reader in a dark movie theater...

✨️ Her hand comes to rest on his thigh and he gets wide eyed. He plays of by watching the movie, but it gets hard to ignore when she keeps creeping it up higher and higher. He finally chances a glance over at her and sees Eli whispering in her ear. She isn't paying attention, giggling as her boyfriend nips at her skin and trying to keep her voice down. He notices Eli's hand is wandering her waist and groping her pudgy belly and tits. It has Demetri shifting in his seat and trying to hide his hard on with the bucket of popcorn. Then her hand starts rubbing the tent in his pants and he finally has some kind of understanding as to what's been going on: this has been their little way of courting him.

✨️ At the end of the movie, they all pile into the back of Eli's car for a steamy make out and over the clothes groping session. Reader is in between the two boys again, half on Eli's lap while they feel her up and pull her face side to side so they can shove their tongues down her throat. They don't immediately confront their feelings for each other, but finally do when Reader straddles Eli's lap and starts sucking hickeys onto his neck. Demetri takes it as his moment to dive in and kiss his long time best friend.

✨️ They never look back. In fact, Eli pulled out of that parking lot pretty fast to get to his place while Reader and Demetri made out in the backseat. By the time they got there, Demetri's hand was up her shirt and she was whining so pretty for them. Eli could have broken the key to his front door jamming it into the lock and they stumbled their way upstairs to his bedroom with a burning need to take their clothes off. The rest is history.

✨️ When they get back to training, the air around the three of them is different and it's very noticeable. It changes things for a bit until Daniel can accept the fact that his daughter is dating both Hawk and Demetri; he has no problem with that (we all know he's simultaneously in love with Amanda and Johnny), he's mostly asking "why those two?"

✨️ It's Daniel's fault training is a little awkward for a bit. While he's constantly keeping a watchful eye over his middle child (the unpredictable spontaneous one at that), Sam and Anthony are just shaking their heads at him. Like why does he have to be this way? Why can't he be normal for once?

✨️ All in all, they work great together. Eli loves planning dates, whether it involves staying in or going out; he also loves treating Reader and Demetri to nice things now and then - little gifts or simple trips out. Demetri thoroughly enjoys cuddling and he's always the big spoon no matter how much Eli wants to be. Demetri is always pulling one of the two of his partners onto his lap and wrapping his arms around them. He also loves just getting to spend time with them, usually away from karate because he needs a break sometimes.

✨️ The one thing they both agree is top tier are group make out sessions. Reader is always, always in between them and they get really touchy-feely. Sometimes she sits in one of their laps and they "fight" over who gets to hold her or kiss her, when it's their turn. It's all play, but sometimes Demetri gets really pouty and Reader and Eli both take turns kissing him. It's just makes them feel so close to each other and its fun.

[aita-blorbos]

wibta for continuing to refuse to tell my dad about my existence for over a year?

so i (24nb) was raised in new york by my mom with my 3 half-siblings, and spent a lot of my early life wondering about my dad (who i’d never met, and my mom didn’t know much about, lol) long story short some shit happened, i got disowned by my mom and still have a relationship with my older half-brother (jury’s still out on my younger half-siblings but i dont expect them to talk to me anytime soon lol) and so i was basically… drifting for several years until i found myself in california and settled down, went to college, and then for… complicated reasons the city i was in basically became an active warzone. my (now) fiancee (27f) saved me and i finished college and started a business as a pi. funnily enough, even though i wasn’t still actively looking for info anymore, i have a pretty distinctive appearance, and based on that and some timeline clues i was able to figure out who my dad is. i was unsure whether to pursue a relationship with that side of my family or whatever bc i already had a pretty established life outside of my family and being on my own has been kinda. a staple of my life since i was 15, but it didn’t matter as much bc he and his sibling were missing, so the only member of that family i had access to was my cousin.

which is where we get to him

so my cousin (27m) grew up thinking he was an orphan in some cult, i think he thought his parents were dead or didnt want him or something? anyways, when he was about 19 he met my dad (now 46m, at the time 38). he didn’t know my dad was his uncle at the time, but evidently my dad figured out who my cousin was pretty quick. my dad then made the decision to continue working with my cousin to fight, uh, some bad people, but did not tell the cousin about them being related. for about 6 years.

eventually my cousin’s parent (46???) resurfaces (they all thought he was dead lol) and a lot of shit happened (including that uh… whole city-being-a-warzone thing i mentioned) and it basically came out that my cousin’s parent was, well, my cousin’s parent. and then immediately after both his parent and my dad disappeared on an… extended business trip and went missing. three years later, my fiancee is dying of cancer, and decides to go on a trip to look for some experimental treatments to get rid of the cancer. after a few months of her gone, my dad and his sibling return, and two months after that, my fiancee returns (apparently she found them and got them brought back?)

a week before this, a friend of my fiancee’s (23f) went missing, and i started a search for her, but i realized there was a lot more going on than i bargained for, so after my fiancee went back, we made the decision to seek outside help. this help happened to come in the form of my dad, and his company. so basically i had to talk to my dad whether i was ready to or not, and since i definitely wasn’t, i made the decision to keep certain things from him. like the fact that he’s my dad.

so we’ve been working together for a while (we found the friend, he just also enlists my help as a pi for other cases sometimes) and i just… haven’t told him yet. here’s the fun part.

so my dad has a habit of picking on his twin for not knowing he had a kid for 25 years. my dad thinks this is hilarious, his twin and my cousin, less so. i happen to turn 25 in a few months, so i thought it’d be hilarious to wait until i’m at least 25 to drop this on him. my cousin doesn’t know, but he’d think it’s HILARIOUS, but my fiancee thinks i should tell him bc from what we’ve gathered it sounds like he’s had a good bit of tragedy surrounding his family, and my fiancee knows what thats like. one of my dads coworkers who pieced things together thinks its funny, but agrees that i should probably tell him sooner rather than later. wibta for waiting, if only for the sake of being able to turn his own joke on him and make fun of *him* for also not knowing he had a kid for 25 years, and definitely not because i’m irrationally mad at him for not knowing i exist for that long?

the reason he doesn’t know who i am already is because i make it a point to hide the distinctive features that are pretty inherent to his side of the family, not because i’m trying that hard to hide who i am from him, but because i have certain people who i don’t want to be able to identify me.

also, i realize i may have made it sound like my dad is a cop or a vigilante. he’s not a cop, i’d want nothing to do with him if he was, and vigilante isn’t exactly accurate either. mercenary might be a better term here.

[blogofloathing]

Merry Crimbo To All! Let's Take A Peek At How Our Fav Loathing Losers Are Enjoying The Festivities!!

Hazel Helena finishes putting up the last bit of the decorations, just as the local drunkards spill into her speakeasy.

That's right, she thought to herself, her speakeasy, momma said she weren't gonna be worth nothin, look at her now.

With an extra little skip to her stride she hops down off the ladder, taking a step back to admire her work. Nothin too grand, some tinsel, and lights.

But the folks would love it, she was sure of it, Hazel had even set up a little Crimbo Tree, complete with a kitschy little beer bottle topper.

It was perfect, the festive sight finished off with a big ironically placed congrats on 6 months sober banner strung up along the bar.

That'll be another beer for ya, Clemens?" She shot at her favorite barfly (haha sorry Gygan)

"ayep, sprinkle in some of the Crimbo dust fer the holidays" and Hazel hit back with a wink

One which so clearly said "comin' right up" it was almost weird to not see her throw up a pair of finger guns in companion with it.

Stompin the drink down in a way that would one day leave some nostalgic marks in the wood,

She smiled a workers smile, it spoke of the many years she'd been in the livin business.

"Ya hearin this what's-it bits about some kind of cult? Ah hear all sortsa weirdness round heer"

The oft incompressible sot didn't seem to be ditching the schtick anytime soon.

"Well I don' know bout all that but hey you gimme the rest o' that hot pizzazzle next shots on house"

This seemed like a fair trade for the hokey fella, as he sat back, apparently readying for the tale.

"Now I ain't too mucha the noseyin type ya see? But I was looking for leckies in the alley, when

Ah suddenly come across there some kind circle or other, band o' weirdies chantin about a lord or so"

Taking a long sip of his shot before continuing on,

"An' so naturally I go up and I yell 'whata yall all doin there then!' And they go scamperin off like a bunch of common ratties, an' yeah so I'm thinkin well that's that," Hazel's eyebrows raise an octave as if to say "but..?" Knowing there would be more

"An' we'll basically ah don't know if I was drunk-" Hazel interjecting with "ya probably were I put it to ya but continue" Clemens rolling his eyes at that.

"An' next thing I know I see some sorta weird black thing scurryin off in toe! I could hardly tell it was there before it was gone, looked like a half torn off sheeta paper or like a drip of ink what grew legs!"

Hazel seemed mildly amused at the story, in no way believin the old drunk even for a moment.

But hey, gossip is gossip, tippin her imaginary hat to him they clinked their drinks and hammered em.

Letting off an exaggerated sigh after the good pull.

This was the life she'd always dreamed of, this was the best gift she could have.

All around, people laughed, people cheered, some people yelled, and people drank the night away.

Hazel smiled, it was a very merry Crimbo indeed.

Elsewhere in Porkham, a dusty hobo girl was set up in the dorm room of her favorite classmate.

Victoria Martinez marveled at the snow falling out the window, normally at this time she'd try to find a nice enough house to squat in til the cold passed.

But this Crimbo, Simone decided to invite her to stay in her dorm to weather the storm. It wasn't often Victoria spent this season warm

And something beyond her skin was prickly with the sudden temperature change.

At the sight of Simone waking towards her, two mugs of hot chocolate in hand.

Her face flushed red in a way that would be unremarkable if she were deep within a blizzard.

With a start that sent her nearly flying out the closed window, she greeted her classmate clumsily "Well-howdy-there-Simone"

Victoria's usual way-too-fast manner of speech when greeting Simone resurfaced. The latter girl rolling her eyes as she sat down on the bed with her, she seemed to glow, gosh was she pretty.

Victoria shook these thoughts off her, like one would bat away a swarm of fairies on the lake.

but was nearly knocked flat when Simone placed a hand on her forehead, raring up for another lecture

"you're all hot.." saying with a frown in her voice "I told you if you spend all your time out in the snow you're gonna get sick, but I should have known, but do you ever listen to my advice? god, I swear sometimes you're-" the rant fading from her ears.

she continued for quite a while, but Victoria wasn't really able to pay attention.

When she was preoccupied with melting at her touch. She would never say it.

Least of all to her face, but damn does it look good when she's telling Victoria off.

Their usual back and forth bickering came crashing to a halt by a loud thump, as Walter fell unceremoniously from the ceiling with a resounding "oouuh.." coming from his new spot laying on the floor of her dorm room.

Simone stared, in stunned silence for a moment, her glare fixating itself once more on Victoria. At a loss for words, Victoria was about to explain, before Walter groaned "she told me.. to hide on the ceiling.. cause it's.. the only way you'd let me in.."

Trying not to laugh at the absurdity while also mentally screaming at Walter, are you not strong enough to hold yourself on the ceiling all night??

Victoria chuckled nervously, "well it's freezing out so I thought-" but an uncharacteristic warmth had entered Simone's usually stony face.

"The more the merrier" she said with an equally unlike her smirk, maybe she had just realized part of why she likes Victoria so much, or remembered exactly why she kept her around, making one more cup of hot chocolate, they gave cheers.

Taking sips all around "this is actually really good I should come over more of-.... ten.." faltering at the end due to Simone's deadly expression.

Victoria patted Walter on the shoudler "hey don't worry about it pal, someone's gotta keep the bridge warm for me eh!" Giving a goofy smile.

"Right.." Walter mumbled lightheartedly, this did beat the cold, being together, the three admitted.

[thisfinalsideblog]

speaking of that journal again, i shouldn’t have reread it. it just made me feel like shit and put me on edge, which is where i’ve been the past few days. i am not actively codependent with anybody and i’m not even talking to the guy the journal was related to anymore. i’m so incredibly fucking anxious (i rarely use that word because it’s embarrassing) about becoming codependent with the person who i would consider my closest friend. i can see it playing out in my mind just like my past friendships, none of which were codependent on my end with the exception of the one i just got out of a couple months ago. i can see us being friends for a year or two until something fucks it up and we’re done. it will be sad and slow and fucking painful. i’m not codependent with this person but i can feel the tendencies from my past friendship taking hold and i can’t fucking do this. i can never tell if i’m just normally attached and hyper-empathetic or if i’m becoming codependent. i get in my own head so much about everything, especially this. i can’t tell if what i’m feeling is genuinely unhealthy or if it’s perfectly fine and i’m just obsessing over the possibility that it isn’t. i think i just need help regardless. with all this election shit, this person is very upset and doesn’t feel good at all; therefore, i also feel like shit. is this me adopting and mirroring somebody else’s emotions because i’m codependent or is this just me being attached and actually giving a fuck? i should be honest with myself and see it as a mix of both. obviously i wouldn’t be happy to see them this way, but fuck if it isn’t taking over how i’m feeling. i get in my head with these stomach-twisting anxieties about the downfall of our relationship so much that it’s impossible to feel anything else. i should just talk to this person about it. we talk about everything else but it’s so fucking hard to even think about having that conversation. what would i even say? “hey, i feel like i might be becoming codependent on you and i don’t know what to do because i feel so sick at the possibility of that happening” isn’t a great conversation starter. sometimes i get… not jealous, but something jealousy-adjacent? i can’t place the feeling at all, really, but sometimes they’ll mention other people and i just feel sort of… strange. i don’t know. i was never like that before iliad. my friends talked about their other friends, and those i was sexual with mentioned other sexual relationships and i truly never felt a tinge of jealousy. iliad genuinely ruined that for me and i can’t even place how. i just feel sick. i feel sick and i fucking hate how unhealthy i am capable of being. i can feel some codependent traits resurfacing. i only feel fully 100% myself when i’m with this person. when we aren’t talking, i’m just sort of sitting around waiting to talk again. the fact that we only get to call when they come home from college on the weekends probably doesn’t help much; it creates this on-and-off sort of thing that makes me miss them way more. i feel like their emotions are beginning to dictate mine. when they’re happy, i’m happier. when they feel bad, i feel very bad. (notice how it leans more negative?) i just feel almost hopeless because i’m trapped in this cycle of my own shitty emotions and i do not have any professional help nor do i have access to it. i won’t anytime soon. i can’t let this get fucked up. i think ultimately i’m just really in my own head right now and i’m full of stress and surrounded by stress. i think this election thing is just the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak, since there was so much i was already feeling. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i feel so fucking isolated all the time, nonstop, even when i’m talking to the person i mentioned. i feel like nobody knows everything i’m dealing with and i genuinely just need (professional) help that i don’t have. i don’t know who to go to. i’m just gonna try to work really really hard on stopping any codependency before it starts.

(tumblr made me start a new paragraph.) realistically, i’m already doing an okay job of this. i can just remind myself that they are their own person fully capable of handling their own emotions and there is no need for me to take on those emotions and/or try to make them better. i can still feel sad or stressed without letting it consume me. i have other fulfilling relationships that i need to focus more on. this isn’t to say i need to focus less on this person. i just need to do both. i need perspective. this person has other relationships that he frequently puts time and effort and energy into, completely apart from me. i need to do the same. i just wish it wasn’t hard for me. i wish it could come naturally again like it did when i was younger, like it did before iliad. i am not a very healthy person, at least some of the time. i know i’ve already said it but i feel so fucking alone. i feel isolated in my feelings and in my thoughts and it feels like the only person that i want to talk to about any of it is the person i’ve been talking about in this post. i should probably give them a pseudonym, too, so i don’t have to keep saying ‘this person’. i guess i’ll go with… i don’t know, cen? (there was a thought process there, genuinely.) i am having a moment where i even feel isolated from them because they don’t know what i’m feeling or going through or dealing with. they know i’ve been feeling alone and that i’m pretty stressed out, but it’s only been in the past couple days that i’ve started feeling anything with the codependency shit. codependency is genuinely the most isolating thing i have ever experienced in my entire fucking life. i haven’t been this stressed out and/or anxious in months and i don’t know if it would be counterproductive or genuinely, healthily helpful to talk to cen about it. i cannot emphasize enough how alone and stressed out and anxious and sick i feel right now. i truly don’t remember the last time i felt this bad. all i’m gonna hear about for the next four fucking years is politics and how fucking horrible our country is. i do not know when i will not be surrounded by stress and misery. somehow the only thing my mind keeps going back to is cen—are they okay, what’s gonna happen for them or to them or with them when it comes to how they’re dealing with all of it, are they going to detransition or something, how long are they going to be miserable, etc. i can’t shake it. i don’t even know who else to go to. i really need to be intentional with making myself the focus and the center of my own life. i think i can do it. i just feel like complete shit right now. i just fucking want everything to be okay. i want myself to be okay. i want cen to be okay. i want all my friends to be okay, really, but he’s the one who’s struggling the most by far with all of this. i think what i’m feeling right now is just an amalgamation of all the shit going on right now but also all the shit i’ve had happen in the past year and a half or so. cen is such a comforting person and i wish we were both okay so we could just relax and be at peace together. i wish something in my life would bring me peace because i have no fucking clue how to find or make my own by/for myself. i’m just having a really fucking hard day. i want to tell cen about it but they’re struggling enough as it is; why would i add my own shit on top of it? i don’t even know why i’m feeling so insanely bad right now. i think it’s because everything in my life (including my own mind) feels so unstable and uncertain. i guess this is it for now but i’ll likely come back later.

[lucymarion]

i love you and i (wont) wait

i went swimming with my friends kagabi at like 7pm to 4am. it was nice, tubigan was... small. i have this perception ng tubigan na malaki kasi the last time I was there i was still small. pagbalik ko kahapon i was shocked na maliit lang pala hahahaha

the real reason im writing this is because of sherlock. i think im suffering from another friendship break up. i think we're outgrowing each other. and it sucks so bad kasi i go through my fyp on tiktok and i see his reposts and it reminds me of the sherlock i loved. his humor was still there and all the things i adored pero it's like getting overshadowed by something else i cant digest. and i feel so bad right now because i just took him off of my close friends list.

turns out i was lying here

i arrived sa tubigan ng mga 6pm to reserve a cottage tapos by 7pm nasa loob na ko. i was messaging all of them to come na and I was patiently waiting tapos he messaged sa gc na he was going to be late. ok lang hanggang 4am naman kami dun. come 7:30 apat na kami dun meron paring 5 expected guests na kulang. ok sure. dumating na yung tatlo. i messaged sa gc na if susunod kayo then diretso nalang sa cottage edi swimming na kami. after ilang minutes balik kami cottage to check if papunta na sila. no replies. i messaged yung isang guest if pupunta mo ba sila ni sherlock he said hindi daw siya tutuloy, inupdate niya din daw si sherlock abt that. i was pissed kasi ???? 1) bakit hindi manlang naginform si sherlock about dun 2) the fee for the cottage was split for 9 people. pero ok lang kasi like this person so i wished him well nalang. moments later sherlock informed the gc that he was drunk and he wouldn't be joining anytime soon. it was weird as fuck dahil una he literally said sa gc na he cancelled plans for this swimming and pangalawa kumpleto kami. pero ok sige. i really dont want to ruin my vibe kasi i was really having a great time so sige. until mga madaling araw we were talking na sa may gilid ng pool and we were discussing shit about sherlock and it turns most of us felt weird na about him about how he changed and about how he treats and views his friends. i really felt sick to my stomach and my throat was closing up kasi winsiwjjsjsn this wasnt the friend i had in dati??? hindi ito yung kausap ko sa gmeet years ago????? hindi din to yung naging kaibigan ko nung grade 7.

grabe how time can drastically change a person. i dont even know that person anymore. i looked through his socmed accounts and i was shocked to realized na nothing's really connecting us anymore. i could just sever everything now. unfriend him soft block him on ig and twitter. take him off my dumps and my close friend lists. i could block him on tiktok. i could restrict him on Facebook and messenger and never contact him again. i could pick the galas i would participate to and never see him again. i could do it. it wouldn't matter anymore kasi we're not friends anymore. i dont want to be friends with him anymore.

anybody could be reading this and think ay nalate lang sa gala f.o. na GIRL hindi this has been accumulating for months na and this is probably my last straw. ayoko na umasa na maybe in this gala i would see the friend i know again. na maybe if i talk more sa gc the boy i loved in the gmeets the gc did in 2021 would resurface. na maybe he'd add me on that fucking frens highlight sa ig niya which was a huge blow to me btw kasi i was there dati pero ngayon for no reason wala na ako (just checked while typing this wala talaga ako ANYWHERE.) waiting is futile. hes not here anymore

rest in peace to us bj (he doesnt even want to be called like this anymore LOLOLOLOLOL) 2017-2024

it was nice to be ur friend. i love you forever

[ethernetmeep]

i seem to sometimes forget others hadn’t had interactions as a child like i did, hence why my discussion of childhood during lunch today was somewhat awkward.. because of my own faults, it seems. i had forgotten to realize my subject matter was socially inappropriate for the area. i, uh.. feel really bad about this. like, i am so fucking sorry bad. im still thinking about it, both the memories from young age & the cafeteria interaction, although primarily the memories..

i will, uh, separate this, because it’s definitely needed. don’t read this, it isn’t worth it. move along now, unless you crave to know about my adolescence and its awful properties

a wooden house, wooden bedroom. big bed, body pillow with various emotions on it. glow in the dark star stickers, various planets in the solar system hung from the ceiling. various items. a computer, colored pencils, comic of choice being worked on. most of them…. uhm… very.. explicit in nature.

i remember a character of theirs. a little girl. sunflower dress, horrible family. sent to an orphanage. feel sick at saying anything more. cute characters i liked, all eviscerated. its not their fault, inherently; they had a lot of things going on. definite abuse, at some point. still, the memories make me somewhat sick.

this was a person i cared about, swam at the beach with, drew art with. grew up with. we would play the recorder & be grimy & silly together.

yet, this person simultaneously showed me a jarring amount of sexual topics, nothing a young child should see to that extent— neither them, or me. they were two years or so older. we played on the playground and roleplayed about a fucking sex shop, for gods sake. i just now resurfaced the memory of [being shown something that should not be shown at age ten]. it makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable.

i still remember sharing a cold miniature pizza & chicken tenders as a lunch with them. juice with water added to lessen the sweetness. adventure time in the background on the television. the fact their door lock got broken once because of our stupidity. an old dog they had.

i wonder if, by any extent, this friendship caused me to subconsciously be revulsed and uncomfortable by so many of these things. it probably did.. ever since knowing them, i haven’t looked at certain childhood objects the same. a certain pillow pet comes to mind, so do pillows in general…. would explain my distain for the items, when they aren’t the ones i know. would also explain the long time discomfort in the following things: taking a shower at someone elses place, changing at someone elses place, staying overnight in general at a friends house, sharing any kind of clothes, feeling as if in my sleep i’d be….

….oh.

……..oh.

...damn it. having this realization as of writing this makes it all the more horrible. it seems to explain my distinct hatred of touch with those who discomfort me, my lack of touch even with close friends unless its a hug, my distain for… so many things. my stunted growth in regards to relationships. ive been afraid, so afraid, terrified of the concept, not wanting to be hurt and to be helpless again; subconsciously, without even realizing it

it would also explain why i am so preferable to the concept of plushies instead of human people as things to hold. inanimate objects can’t hurt me, they can’t reach out of the shadows and hold you in a way you don’t want. would explain my dislike of quote, cuddling.

god, i’m… hahaha, [nervous laughter, not that of amusement.. i am very much not amused.] i did not realize id be having this epiphany today. or anytime soon. At all. god damn it.

well… if someone did read this, then they experienced a cruel read. im sorry. why am i sorry? i put a ‘dont read this’ sign! doesn’t matter, i’m sorry regardless.

[WHAT NOW? do i just go on with my day? i can’t, that feels odd. i need to make my friend their birthday piece.. i need to do so many things. i have so much to do, but i just got the biggest epiphany dropped like an anvil on my head… maybe thinking of people who were once nice to me will make me feel better…. think of friends & acquaintances & old friends & whatnot, to make me feel safe… peruse the archive i have of photos…]

[edit: i just did that. i feel significantly better. thank you, uhm… um…. what do i say….. ah, i will say friend, i like saying friend… even if its quite foolish, its trivial anyway…]

[lostgreekgod]

reminiscence

a/n: hello earthlings i bring to u another angst no one asked for

word count: 1054

warnings: mcd, angst. angst angst angst. idk if there are anymore, but lmk if u find any. oh also, i think i made it seem like y/n died in the end, but its unclear. it can be whatever u want. read at your own damn risk.

summary: you are alone, barely sane. It has been a year since Loki sacrificed himself to Thanos, since the war, and a certain trigger has caused memories to resurface.

pairing: loki x gn!reader (i didnt use any pronuns)

(lmk if u want to be tagged in the god awful sad soul destroying works I like to commit to once a while)

a/a/n: OH ALSO, LISTEN. THIS IS BASED ON THE SONG ANGEL BY FINNEAS, SO IF YOU HAVENT LISTENED TO IT, DO THAT & THEN READ FOR THE FULL ANGST EXPERIENCE.

Congratulations, you’ve been pretending to be human

So well

“Wake up, darling.” You hear your lover’s smooth voice whisper, the wisps of his minty breath tickling the insides of your ear.

Might even fool the neighbors

Reading your Sunday papers

“Mmm,” you hum, your voice still groggy from your slumber. Shifting, you pat around in the air looking for his face without opening your eyes. Finally landing your palms on what seemed like his cheeks, you pull him towards you and knot your arms around his neck, relishing the heat his body provided in the cool autumn air.

I won’t tell

“Happy birthday, my love.” He whispers again, bringing you to the present. You blink your eyes open, only to meet his green ones, twinkling in the hazy morning light, a smile playing at his lips. You stared at his smile—you loved when he smiled. It was like a thousand flowers bloomed in your heart; an invigorating breath of life— pure, contagious bliss.

but I know better than to

bring up the weather with you

and talk about the rain

You smile back at him, pulling him in to give him one of the sweetest kisses, wishing you could put in words how much you love him, how much you love what you have with him. "Thank you, my love," you say, pecking him on the lips again.

after you fall asleep, I’ll

kiss both your eyes and cheeks

He simply stares into your e/c eyes, his mind somewhere else. You brush your fingers feather-light against his lips, your index trailing the sharp edge of his jaw. He watches you admire him, his smile beaming like the moon on a cloudless night. He swoops in and takes your lips in another slow, deep kiss, your heart swelling with the emotion you felt.

"I love you," you whisper, your smile widening at the crinkles in the corners of his eyes.

you’re an angel

in disguise

"And I love you, my darling," he whispers back, his fingers tangling lazily in your hair. You could sense the excitement in the air around him, obviously for the lovely day he had carefully planned for the both of you.

you’re an angel

in my eyes

But all that could wait. He was the happiest man alive with just having you in his arms, neither of you needing anything more than your hearts responding to each other like gears in a well-oiled machine. You were his other half, and he was yours.

-----------------------

You groan at your phone ringing, the annoying tune that was default in the horrendous machine. Your head was throbbing, probably from the two bottles of wine you had managed to pour down your throat last night. A year, and you still weren’t over him.

An unknown ID. You answer the call with a gruff hello.

“y/n?” you hear a deep, garbled voice, and your heart plummets down a hill.

“Thor.” You breathe out, looking for an excuse to end the call. Pain squeezed at your heart. You weren’t ready. You weren’t ready to talk to anyone related to your lover. Not now, not anytime soon. You notice how it is still dark outside. You look at the wall clock, confused when it read 2 am. Perhaps Thor simply forgot about the time zone difference when he moved to New Asgard in Norway.

“H-hey, y/n. How are you?” he stutters out after a few awkward moments of silence.

“Fine,” you say, surprised at how your response to that question has now become the same, no matter who asks.

“Good,” he hums, birthing another awkward silence as he figures out what to say. You can’t seem to be able to breathe. Inhale, exhale. You chanted in your head.

“y/n ... I know you don’t like talking about him- “

You inhale quickly. No, no, no. The one thing you hoped so hard he wouldn’t bring up.

“Thor. Please don’t. I can’t.” Your voice breaks. 1 year. 365 days. A year ago, today, Loki gave his life to Thanos, all in hopes of helping you and Thor.

I bought a house to live in

You’ve zoned out. You can hear Thor saying something on the line, but you’re too far gone to notice.

“My love,” you hear, the same deep voice whisper in your ear. The one voice you’d do anything for. The one voice you’d died a million deaths to be with.

“Loki,” you cry out. The phone has fallen off of your bed now. You can’t hear Thor asking you if everything was alright.

But you’re the home I’m missin’

I know

You had no idea if you were hallucinating at this point, but you would do anything, anything to hear his voice again. To see him, and breathe in his sweet, rich scent again. You feel a sudden urge, an urge that fills your body—it tells you, don’t let go. He’s leaving, don’t let go.

“Loki. Please don’t l-leave me. P-please. Not again.” You choke out, tears welling up in your eyes. You wrap your arms around him, holding on tight.

“Look at me my darling,” he breathes in your ear, and your heart chatters a million times when you meet his green eyes. The same green eyes you fell in love with, the same green eyes you would trade the world for. The same green eyes, just as you had remembered them to be.

“Loki,” you sob out, your heart convulsing, hammering against your chest. Almost as if it wanted to tear out of it and become one with his.

Nothing good lasts forever

But nights with you are better

“I’m always with you, my love.” He says, and you could swear you felt his fingertips brush against your cheekbone.

“No, no. Stay. Stay with me, hold me in your arms, never leave. Stay forever.” You say, tears streaming down your face. You gently place your shaking palms on his cheeks, gasping at the warmth you felt. This had to be a dream.

So go slow

I never knew I needed you

“My love, my sweet mortal, listen to me,” he says, searching your eyes, his wonderful smile never leaving his face. “I do not have long.”

Your heart shatters a thousand times at his words and you scream, except your scream comes out more choked, without much sound. A scream that enclosed all your pain and anger. When people are injured physically, they scream from the burning sensation they experience on the wound, they scream from the exhaustion sweeping into their bones. They scream from the adrenaline-rich blood leaving their body. But this, this soundless scream you just let out? That was the scream a broken heart lets out. No one knows the true pain caused by a broken heart, until they experience it for themselves. No one knows of that feeling, where everything, everything hurts, and all they can think about is clawing their heart out of their chest and throwing it far, far away. They don’t feel the million things one feels from that one soundless scream. Pain, the same pain you felt a year ago, scratches at your insides, looming for an exit. A release. One that not anyone on earth knows how to provide, even for the sake of their own sanity. “Please,” you cry out, shutting your eyes and begging whoever was in control of this. “Please don’t do this to me; don’t give me something good only to take it away, please, please, please,” you pray to a non-existent someone, chanting your pleases like it would do something to help.

I’m out of step

I’m off my feet

“y/n,” he says, in his sweet, sultry voice, and you press your palms to your eyes, wishing this would end, but at the same time hoping it would remain forever. He pulls your hands away from your face, and he’s still there, his beautiful green eyes are still there, taunting you, torturing you-

I’m waking up inside a dream

Teach me how to fly

“I will always be with you,” he whispers, his eyes holding yours, “here,” he places his cold fingertips on your forehead, and brings his lips to place a kiss there. He then moves his fingers to your heart, kissing the little patch of skin there; “here,” and you know it’s over when he traces his fingers on your lips and over your jawbone- like you had done so many years ago, “and here,” he says, his lips enveloping yours in the sweetest of kisses, and it is sweet because you know this is the last one you will ever have with him, just one memory of his, purely hallucinated by you, and you’re sobbing, you’re sobbing and wailing like you did the day you watched Thanos crush his throat, you’re wailing like you wailed when you saw the light leave his eyes. You keep your eyes shut, and let your fingers tangle in his dark hair, holding onto him like he is the one thing that anchors you to the world.

You’re an angel

In disguise

You hold onto him like he is the one thing that keeps you from falling into the arms of death and losing yourself into the abyss. You hold onto the kiss until you are breathless, until there are tears streaming down your face—this time for a completely different reason, you hold onto him until your lungs burn for oxygen and your muscles cry from the deprivation.

You’re an angel

In my eyes

And suddenly, you can’t feel anything anymore, you can’t feel him against you, his soft, soft lips, his warmth, you can’t smell his wonderful smell; and you are too afraid to open your eyes. Your heart pounds, stretching against the loosely attached binds you had put over it not so long ago, but what also seemed like a million years ago; the stitches you hastily put in hopes of moving on—it is stretching, stretching—

Are you mine, mine, mine

and it rips apart when you open your eyes only to see your dimly colored ceiling.

Tonight

“I love you,” you whisper, your voice as broken as ever, your wounded heart and its freshly ripped stitches bared out to the world, kissing your fingertips and waving them weakly in the air as you feel yourself sink into nothingness.

a/n: sorry. I'm sorry. don't beat me up.

[btsmosphere]

Big Enough for Both of Us | JJK

~summary: his jumpers are going missing. And ending up on you. An annoying amount of books, some very cold weather and an admin mix-up later, will things change between you and Jungkook? Jungkook x reader (she/her pronouns) ~word count: 4.7k ~college au, fluff, getting together Rating: pg13 Warnings: one (1) swear, suggestive conversation and misunderstandings ~a/n: another bingo square, this time for ‘oversized hoodies/sweaters’ as an early Christmas present for you all!

You were shivering as you turned the keys to your locker, barely balancing the stack of books in your arms as you did so. Not wearing a jacket today was something you were sorely regretting, muscles groaning in protest from the cold and the weight you had lugged here.

The squeak of the old locker was the most welcome things you had heard all day, already preparing to shift the cursed pile of books off your struggling arms.

But as the door clanged softly open, all you could do was stare.

Something was already there.

Despite the pressing problem of the books weighing you down, you paused to look up and down the corridor. No one. Frowning, you peeked around to see the front of the locker door. This was definitely your locker, right?

Number 267. That was right.

Only, you had never used this locker before in your life. It had taken you until now, in December, to open it for the first time, even though you had started at college months back.

So the piece of black fabric sitting there, neatly folded, innocuous enough in any other situation, was a real curveball for you.

As you pondered, the top book on your tower decided to make a break for it, arms reminding you just how tired they were when you moved to catch it. Sighing, you leaned forwards and let them fall from your arms, right on top of the sweater.

You were pretty sure it was a sweater.

Whoever had this locker last year probably left it there by accident. It probably stunk by now, too.

Whether that was the case or not, you never got to investigate. A buzzing from your phone alerted you that your first lecture was about to start, your friend Namjoon asking where you were. So, without a second glance at the jumper, you slammed the door and rushed away.

It wasn’t until two classes later that it resurfaced in your thoughts.

The heating must have been broken in that class, or else your professor just liked to see you suffer. Throughout the lecture, you had been slowly freezing, resorting to rubbing your hands over your arms to ease your goosebumps.

And now that you piled out of the hall into the already dimming light, you found it was colder still.

The library was halfway across campus, and you were due to meet Namjoon there to make a start on your essays. Right about now, that mystery sweater did sound very tempting. And you did have to go back to your locker anyway to get the books, right?

Placing the stack by your feet, you stared at the material. It had been a bit flattened by the weight that had sat on it all day, but it looked clean at least.

Reaching in, you picked it up at the shoulder between one finger and thumb and leant in to smell it.

The first sniff returned a pleasant surprise. Nothing. Holding it in both your hands now, you brought it right up to your face, almost touching, and tried again.

It actually smelled good.

Come to think of it, it felt very soft between your fingers too.

Cold clutched so tightly onto your bones at this point that you couldn’t wait to get another layer on, so you stuck your arms inside. Sighing, you noted it must be quite new given how soft it still was.

You had got lucky.

Shaking the sleeves down, they fell way over your hands. The hem also came very low, nearly to your knees, but honestly, that felt like a bonus.

And so, lifting up the pile of books, you felt a little lighter (and much warmer) as you stepped out to meet Namjoon with your new big, soft jumper.

“I would say sorry I’m late, but I blame you,” you quipped as you slid into the chair beside Namjoon, depositing the books onto the desk with a loud thud, “were this many really necessary?”

Looking up at you from his own book, Namjoon had the decency to look a little apologetic as he laid eyes on the huge stack.

“Ah – yes – sorry,” he stuttered, “they did all look helpful. I suppose we’d better get through them all today so we can return them?”

Even his dimpled smile couldn’t stop you from groaning and flopping down onto your folded arms. Laughing, he pulled the first book off the pile, undeterred.

“I need coffee for this,” you mumbled.

But as you made to get up, Namjoon tugged you back down by your sleeve.

“You should make a start,” he fixed you with a look, “let’s go to the cafeteria later.”

Closing your mouth, you eyed up the intimidating pile of books. Of course, Namjoon knew you all too well, and was right. If you didn’t start working now, you could procrastinate for ages.

But you did want that coffee…

“If we wait til later, Jungkook will be there!”

Namjoon’s words had left his mouth the moment he saw you preparing to speak, and had snatched the argument right from your lips.

“Wh-what?” you spluttered, “What does that have to do with it?”

A knowing smile rested on Namjoon’s face as he placed a book in front of you.

You flipped it open and got to work.

Namjoon’s wish to get through all the books by closing time was a distant daydream. Half the books still sat untouched, and your essay still had a way to go.

Nonetheless, you weren’t going to stay slaving away all night. You made sure Namjoon remembered his earlier promise of coffee… although you didn’t mention the part about Jungkook.

Naturally, he was there anyway. Namjoon smirked as he left your side with his coffee order, waiting for you to stop staring at his friend and notice he was gone.

It took longer than you would care to admit.

Jungkook was a music student, and since Namjoon fancied himself a producer, he spent enough time in the department that he essentially was too, meaning he had a group of friends there as well as from his own course. And of course the boy you had been silently crushing on in the cafeteria since day one was one of them.

Unfortunately for you, Namjoon hadn’t prepared you for this when he decided to introduce you one day, and you had practically forgotten your own name as you found yourself suddenly in front the gorgeous Jungkook.

And just to add insult to injury, he had been really sweet to you.

Really, he was just asking you to fall for him.

You had promptly decided to stay away from him as much as you could help it. Until you were ready, you told yourself.

Which wouldn’t be anytime soon, given the way your cheeks combusted as he smiled over at your table. While Namjoon waved back, you studied your coffee cup very intensely.

“He’s gone,” Namjoon let you know, swinging back in his chair to take a swig of coffee.

Which was too hot.

And was now all over the table.

After your initial jump from your seat, all you could do was laugh as your friend started frantically mopping up the liquid, using already sodden napkins.

“Do you need some help?”

At the voice behind you, your jaw snapped shut.

Jungkook walked past you, grin splitting his face as he laughed at his hyung too.

“Thanks, Jungkook,” Namjoon chuckled.

You ran off to get more napkins.

On your return, you quickly helped clear the rest of the mess, rescuing your own drink from the pool on the tabletop. Seeing Namjoon had his things together, you also scooped up your bag. But no books.

Looking around for the godforsaken pile, you found them sitting in Jungkook’s arms.

“Oh, thanks,” you muttered, “I can take those, if you want-“

“It’s okay,” he beamed (would he ever stop smiling, he might make you drop down dead-).

“We’re getting the same bus, so I might as well bring them tomorrow,” Joon clapped his shoulder, “saves you breaking your arms again, right Y/N?”

“My arms weren’t breaking!” you scoffed, folding them against your chest.

“So you want to take them?” Jungkook raised a brow at you.

You blinked at him.

Then huffed and rolled your eyes.

“No…”

Laughing loudly, Namjoon led the two of you out of the cafeteria.

It was a good thing Jungkook carried the books. If this morning was anything to go by, you wouldn’t have enjoyed another walk with them.

Hugging your borrowed sweater around you a little more, you picked up the pace.

How Jungkook could have been outside in just that t shirt blew your mind. It was freezing.

“Can I borrow your locker key?” Namjoon whispered from the seat beside you.

“Why?” you hissed back, keeping your eyes forwards.

“Mine’s full,” he replied, “and we still have all these books.”

“We really had to get them all out at once, didn’t we?” you sighed, already digging in your bag for your keys.

“Someone else might have done otherwise!” Joon protested.

Underneath the desk, you passed him the keys.

“Number 267, okay?”

“Thanks.”

Once again, you had made very poor clothing choices. To be fair to you, the weather was supposed to have gotten warmer, so you had only put on a thin jumper. The outfit certainly looked good, but other than that, it was a bad idea. Tomorrow, you would put on a coat. Or maybe that jumper you had found yesterday…

Dashing between buildings to fetch the books again, you were convinced you might get hypothermia. The wind was biting across the already chilled air, sky an unforgiving grey above.

Inside, you fumbled with your key, fingers stiff with cold.

You hadn’t seen Joon since your first lecture, except when he ran past your study spot to throw your keys at you – literally – on his way to the music studios. You were lucky to still have both your eyes.

But maybe he had thought of you, because there beside the books, was a sweater.

Perhaps it was a mirage – could you get them from cold instead of heat? Reaching out to touch it, you concluded it was definitely real, but must be some kind of miracle. Dropping your bag to the ground straight away, you shoved the jumper on and huddled into it, bunching the sleeves around your frozen hands.

It was dark green, and you were sure you had seen Joon wearing a jumper like this before.

Thanking every deity out there that your friend had predicted your habit to dress poorly for the weather, you hauled the books out of the locker and set off for your study session.

Today you arrived first. Pulling out your phone, you sat back and waited for Joon to turn up.

When he did, you looked up from your phone to find he had stopped in front of your desk, staring back at you.

“You are a lifesaver,” you said, setting your phone aside and sitting forwards.

Blinking, he shook his head. “What?”

Frowning, you repeated yourself.

“I said you’re a lifesaver… for the jumper,” you clarified, “I was so cold, I could barely open my locker-“

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“What do you mean? Did you not leave this for me…” you frowned.

“No.”

You both stared at each other.

“Okay. Well, whose is it then?” you asked, pulling your chin to your chest to look down at the jumper you had on.

“Where did you find it?” Namjoon ignored your question, sitting down at last.

“It was in my locker, with the books,” you explained.

“But it’s not yours?”

“No!”

“It was there when I put them in this morning, though, I thought it must have been.”

“What the hell?” you struggled to find any other words.

“I guess someone else left it for you,” Joon shrugged.

Incredulous, you watched as he pulled out his laptop and opened it, unbothered by the strange apparition of your jumper.

“You think someone broke into my locker to leave me a jumper?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “but can you pass me the one by Hastings-“

Sighing, you dropped the matter and pulled his requested book from the middle of the stack, choosing the top one to start on yourself.

Though you let it go long enough to get through a bit more of your essay, you were absolutely going to put the jumper back after you were done. Knowing you were wearing someone’s sweater, you felt the gazes of everyone walking past as if they somehow knew, and were about to denounce you for being a sweatshirt thief in the middle of the library.

But, as it happened, the cold weather was hellbent on dissolving your goodwill.

There was no. way. you were going outside in any less layers than you currently had on. The trip to your locker brought you to that conclusion soon enough, and so you chucked the books in and hugged the sweater tighter.

That night, the shapes of the two jumpers you had ‘borrowed’ so far seemed to stick out in the dark. It may not be anything dramatic, but since they weren’t yours, you couldn’t keep them.

Thankfully, the morning brought actual sun with it.

And your phone told you it would get warmer still.

Your phone lied.

That morning, you had worn the green jumper, intending to take it off and return it to the locker when you reached campus and the day had warmed up.

In the event, nothing of the sort happened. You had bumped into Namjoon and one of his friends from music, Yoongi. The three of you had talked outside until it was time for class, so you headed straight for your lecture with Joon.

Your next step outside was when you knew you had messed up.

All trace of sun had disappeared, sky darkened with cloud again. Any heat this morning held had gone away too.

But you were determined. You huffed as you pulled the sweater over your head later on, placing it back into the locker despite the way you were already shivering from the walk over.

In the library, the pile of books dwindled steadily down, but you got no warmer. Seriously, this place needed to invest in some better heating.

Screw morals, you were getting that jumper back.

“I’ll be back,” you muttered, sliding away before Joon could reply.

Apart from that, you made the walk to your locker in record time, probably since no books weighed you down.

As you approached the building you were aiming for, the door swung open. On seeing you, the emerging figure slowed down and held the door behind them. Speeding up, you reached the door at a slight jog before you even noticed who it was.

Jungkook.

“Hi Y/N!” he said brightly.

“H-hi!” you smiled back, “how are you?”

“Good thanks,” he smiled too, leaning against the door, “just heading to the cafeteria.”

“Oh, Joon and I should be along soon,” you nodded.

“Cool, I’ll see you,” he flashed his grin again.

Finally greeted with the warmth of inside, you looked over your shoulder at Jungkook’s retreating back. Why on earth was he in a t shirt? Shaking your head, you made your way to your locker with a smile.

Look at you go! A normal, nice conversation with Jungkook! And hopefully you could put an end to the relentless study session if you told Namjoon you were expected to go and get coffee with Jungkook.

Clinking, your key turned in the lock and you pulled the locker open with a sigh of relief-

A new sweater.

Interesting.

Tilting your head to the side, you stared at it as if it might get up and explain itself any moment.

Rather than the green one you had abandoned earlier, a burgundy bundle lay there instead. Sighing sharply, you decided you had come all this way for warmth, after all, and if someone was going to insist on putting jumpers in your locker, then you were going to wear them.

Which is how you found yourself enveloped contentedly in the latest of the apparently continuous line of warm, cosy sweaters, sipping coffee from between you sweater paws at a table with Namjoon, Jungkook, Jin and Taehyung.

Perhaps you weren’t entirely used to being in someone else’s jumper yet, because you kept feeling uneasy, as if the others at your table were looking at you with sideways glances.

Shaking it off, you smiled along with the conversation. You were definitely imagining it. Even if you didn’t talk to them that much, Namjoon’s friends were always lovely to you.

Eventually, the cups lay empty and the boys were discussing meeting the others in the studio. Noticing the branches outside the window swaying wildly, you decided you could put off the walk home no longer, or the weather would only keep getting worse, knowing your luck.

“See you later,” you excused yourself to a round of small waves and smiles from the others.

All the others, except, strangely, Jungkook. He had always been very easy-going with you, so you tried not to read into it when he only gave a tiny smile before ducking his head again.

On your way out, you noticed Yoongi coming in and exchanged a nod.

But with you on your merry way, you had no idea of the situation you had left behind.

Jungkook’s cheeks were burning as he tried to ignore the pointed stares of his friends. Lips pulled in between his teeth, he tentatively looked up, through the hair hanging into his eyes.

“Kook…” Namjoon was the first to speak, eyebrows raised as he watched the younger boy.

“What?” he squeaked, chewing at his lip right after. Who was he kidding? They all knew ‘what’.

Looking over to Tae and Jin brought no solace, both looking equally confused and expectant. Silence stretched out between them as Jungkook tried to string together a coherent thought with all eyes on him.

“So when were you going to tell us you’re hooking up with Y/N?”

Jungkook choked on thin air. Looking up, he saw Yoongi sauntering across to their table, thankfully grabbing the attention away from Jungkook.

“What do you- I’m- we’re- we’re not-“

“It’s alright Kook, you can tell us,” Jin offered, eyes wide in an attempt at being consoling. It wasn’t helping.

“There’s nothing to tell!” he insisted.

“Doesn’t explain why she was wearing your jumper,” Tae interjected.

“Has been for days,” Yoongi helpfully chimed in next.

Jungkook hid his head in his hands.

“I thought she just left for a study break,” Namjoon piped up next, “I can’t believe you two! On campus, really?”

“We are not sleeping together!” Jungkook hissed, succeeding in shutting him up, “I don’t know why she’s wearing that!”

“Sure,” Yoongi scoffed.

“You’ve had a crush on her for so long, I swear we’re happy for you,” Tae leant forwards, “I’m just offended you didn’t tell us.”

“What?” Jungkook was getting more frustrated.

“It’s no secret you like her,” Jin agreed.

“You knew?! Why didn’t you say anything?” Jungkook stared at his friends in disbelief.

“To let you deal with it yourself,” Jin mumbled eventually, “are you- are you telling us you seriously still haven’t done anything about it?”

“I haven’t,” Jungkook admitted.

“You have a crush on Y/N?” Namjoon asked incredulously.

“What’s the deal with the jumpers then? I’m lost,” Yoongi said.

“Hello!?” Namjoon interrupted, “Kook has a crush on Y/N?”

Groaning, Jungkook dragged his hands down his face.

“Yes, Joon. I like her,” he muttered, “and I don’t know, Yoongi. I don’t know how she keeps getting my jumpers.”

“Well, ask for them back then,” Jin shrugged, sitting back.

Jungkook just sighed.

“Oh my god, he likes it!” Tae gasped in glee, an infuriating grin splitting his face.

Jungkook was sure he wouldn’t get cold walking home if his cheeks maintained this temperature.

“Hold on…” Namjoon suddenly leaned forwards, “the other day, she asked me if I had put a jumper in her locker. We thought someone had left it for her.”

“It was in her locker?”

“Yep.”

“Well, that’s weird. I didn’t put them there.”

“This is ridiculous,” Yoongi groaned loudly, “I thought Kook had finally sorted this stupid crush. I couldn’t care less about the damn sweaters. Let’s go to the studio, Jimin and Hobi are waiting.”

“What are you doing?”

You almost jumped out of your skin. Having just picked your books up from your locker (how the pile was still this big, you had no idea), you turned around to find none other than Jungkook stood staring at you.

Clutching the stack tightly to avoid a landslide after that jumpscare, you looked up at him. A light crease made itself known between his eyebrows.

“Just… getting these books,” you gulped. Now it had started beating again, your heart wouldn’t seem to shut up at such close proximity to him.

He continued frowning at you, expecting more, but all you could think about was how cute he was, even when he was annoyed. How is that even possible?

“That’s my locker.”

That startled you from your stupor. It was your turn to frown now, taken aback by his statement.

“…no, it’s not,” you said slowly, “that’s my locker.”

“Look,” he said then, before pulling a key from his pocket. Holding it up, you clearly saw the familiar number 267 glinting back at you.

Frown growing deeper, you struggled to balance the books in one arm while the other fumbled for your own key. As you flattened your palm, he leant in to see it.

“267,” he muttered, staring between yours and his. “what the…”

“That’s odd,” you frowned, “I guess we should talk to reception, but I, uh, I have class-“

“Y/N,” he slid into your way as you took a step, “um…”

As you waited for him to talk, he hesitated, tongue slipping out momentarily to wet his lips as he rubbed a hand at the back of his neck. At last, he took a breath, barely looking at you, and spoke.

“People have been asking me, ab-about us-“

Your eyes grew five times bigger in a millisecond. Did Jeon Jungkook just use the word us, talking to you?!?

“-they’re asking why you’re wearing my jumpers, and-and I guess I know why now, but-“

Oh.

Oh no.

No no no no no no no.

The jumpers you had been taking the liberty of stealing belonged to Jungkook?

Oh hell no.

“Shit, I’m sorry- uhh, I’ll get them all back to you, I swear,” you hurriedly spoke, backing away from him, “but I really need to go class, so, um, I’ll see you!”

And with that, you were walking as fast as your legs could carry you, far away from the most embarrassing situation since the time your pants had ripped when you were twelve. People had been asking Jungkook about you? They thought you were together?

You felt awful. All through your lecture, you could barely hear your professor over your internal screaming. What must Jungkook think about this? About you?

Ditching the pile of godawful, cursed books with Joon, you hurried to your locker, hoping that no one would be in sight so you could shove the jumper away. You were wearing the first one you had found. You could return the rest later.

Yes, you would be freezing, but you would have to deal with it.

Roughly pulling it over your head as you reached your locker, the corridor mercifully empty, you threw open the door.

But something was already there.

You wouldn’t have paid it any attention, except there was a note sat on top. And it had your name on it. Underneath the note sat something dark blue and suspiciously hoodie-shaped.

Eyeing it warily, you read the note.

Y/N, I’m sorry, I should have explained better. You don’t have to put the jumpers back, or even stop wearing them. In fact, if you keep wearing them I would be very happy. I brought this for you – it’s the biggest hoodie I own and I hope you like it. I need to tell you something, and I’m clearly better at writing it down than saying it to you, but I want to say it. I really like you, Y/N. You don’t have to feel the same, but you can at least keep the sweaters and stay warm. JK xx

This couldn’t be real. Eyes darting to and fro re-reading the message, you reached out to take the paper between your fingers. Apparently, it was real.

Letting it drop back onto the blue hoodie, you looked around you to find the hallway still empty.

Now this wasn’t fair. Jungkook couldn’t make your all your dreams come true and then hide somewhere. You had to find him.

Stuffing the first jumper you stole away, you pulled out the new gift and tugged it on. Not only was it huge, but it was so soft. When you found him, you were going to find out what detergent he used.

Either way, you spared little time to enjoy the warm hug in jumper form, instead racing off to track down Jungkook. Zipping through the cafeteria proved fruitless, and you even stopped in the library. Joon was in there, but you didn’t stop, just chucking Jungkook’s note in the face of his complaints and moving on.

You had never actually been in the music studio before, but you found it easily enough.

Practically running inside, you stopped, breathing heavily, in the entrance. Only three people were in there, and of course none of them were Jungkook.

Jimin, Hoseok and Yoongi looked around at you in surprise.

“Where’s Jungkook?” you panted.

Yoongi had barely lifted his hand before you had already taken off in the direction he pointed. Pushing the door wide open, you finally laid eyes on the person you had been looking for.

When Jungkook looked around from where he stood in front of a microphone, a piece of paper clutched in his hand, all the words you were going to say to him suddenly left your mind.

“What detergent do you use?”

The question fell uselessly from your lips, only making him more confused.

“What?”

“Oh, nevermind-“

Letting the door fall shut behind you, your feet didn’t stop moving as you crossed the room until your lips crashed into his.

Arms instinctively coming up to hold you, his eyes widened at first but quickly slid shut as he realised what was happening. You were so desperate to find him, and now you couldn’t wait to feel him, lips ravenous as your hands tangled in his long hair.

He tasted so good, making you groan into his mouth as his lips fit so perfectly against yours, incidentally granting him access to slip his tongue inside. There was barely a hair’s breadth between you as he tugged you in, hands fisted in the fabric of his own sweater that swallowed you up.

Finally recovering from the shock and elation of kissing you, he cupped the back of your head, tilting his own to deepen the kiss as he held you steady. And it was a good thing he did, or he would have swept you clean off your feet.

Even as you broke away from each other, staring in shock at your own boldness, your heart continued its raging party in your chest. You could only stare into his brown eyes, totally lost and awed at what just happened.

“Nice hoodie,” Jungkook whispered, the first to break the silence.

“Y-yeah,” you nodded, “thank you.”

“I’m glad you like it.” He looked at you then, big eyes hopeful and oh god you just wanted to kiss him again and see him smile forever-

“Can I take this as your reply to my note?”

“Yes, Jungkook,” you smiled, and the grin that burst onto his face was the most glorious you had ever seen, “I like you too. I really, really like you.”

“I really, really like you too, Y/N,” he grinned, lips connecting with your forehead in a brief, sweet peck, “and I’d like to see you in my sweaters more often.”

Thank you to everyone who reblogs my work!!

I now have a follow-up drabble for this oneshot here!

Taglist: @aianloveseven​ @preciouschimine​ (message to be added)

Find my other work on my masterlist

[buckybarnesthehotshot]

i: i hate you but we’re teammates (bucky barnes x reader)

i hate you but masterlist

summary: bucky and y/n can’t stand each other, but y/n needs help with her sister’s kids (enemies to lovers au)

word count: 1201

warnings: swearing, arguing, death, and this is not proofread

taglist is CLOSED

a/n: ey a new series. we are off to a rocky start, but i’m getting used to typing up stories again

       Bucky and y/n absolutely despised each other. Why? It was all because Bucky Barnes was a pain in her ass. Well, to be fair, y/n always made sure to return the favor.

       After everything that went down with Thanos, SHIELD, as well as the Avengers, were reinstated by the government to fight off any threats against the planet’s safety. Of course, with SHIELD being reinstated, HYDRA was back in business.

       Well, at least HYRDA was trying to get back to business. Since SHIELD was reinstated, they were one hell of a thorn in HYDRA’s side. With SHIELD actively shutting down HYDRA’s attempts to resurface, the Avengers barely had to leave the Avengers Compound to leave on missions. Well, that was both a blessing and a curse.  

       After the battle with Thanos, Bucky decided Wakanda was no longer for him. With Sam taking on the responsibility of being Captain America, he knew he also wanted to be out there protecting the innocent instead of taking care of those goats who keep shitting in the grass.

       He just didn’t expect adjusting to life in the tower to be so difficult. Having Earth’s mightiest heroes under one roof was not a good idea. The day Bucky walked in through the doors of the compound, he knew the h/c-haired girl was bound to be a problem.

       No, she wasn’t anything compared to HYDRA, but it was like everything she did was meant to inconvenience Bucky in any way possible. Bucky was stuck in the basement? It was because y/n accidentally broke the elevator. The mission didn’t go as planned? Bucky was quick to point the finger at y/n.

       You see, she wasn’t doing any of these things on purpose; she was just naturally a thorn in his side. After years of being a SHIELD agent, she knew what she was doing all the time—well, most of the time.

       “Damn it, y/n! You left the stove on!” the brunet yelled through the high-pitched ringing of the fire alarms. y/n flinched as she walked into the room, her ears beginning to ring as the alarm blared.

       “I thought I turned that off!” y/n shouted back at him, her hands covering her ears.

       “Well, you didn’t! Couldn’t you have checked to see if you actually turned it off?” Bucky crossed his arms over his chest.

       “What the fuck was I supposed to do? Put my hand over the hot-ass stove to see if it was cooling down?” y/n held her hands up in defense.

       “Yes! At least that would’ve kept this place from going up in flames!” Bucky exclaimed, trying to fan the smoke away from the stove with a tattered white rag.

       “FRIDAY, turn off the smoke alarms and activate the vents!” y/n requested over all the noise. The smoke alarms stopped and y/n could finally hear everything clearly again and the smoke began to clear. y/n saw the pissed off expression Bucky sported but that wasn’t exactly the first thing she noticed.

       Bucky was shirtless, his white t-shirt damp and in his flesh arm. y/n would never tell him aloud, but damn, this man was hot.

       “How did I not think of doing that?” Bucky questioned himself, his brows furrowing at how easy it was for y/n turn off the alarms and clear the smoke.

       “That’s because you’re stupid,” y/n smiled as Bucky grumbled in response, “Also, I swear, I turned the stove off. I’ve never not turned the stove off.”

       “What the fuck is all the commotion about? And why is there smoke everywhere?” Sam coughed, walking into the kitchen.

       “y/n left the stove on and burned away half the kitchen!” Bucky exclaimed, pointing to the burnt remains of what used to be the kitchen behind him.

       “Oh,” Sam flinched at the sight.

       “Yeah, I know! This is probably one of y/n’s worst mistakes to date!” Bucky exclaimed and a frown made its way to y/n’s way. She was so sure she’d turned the stove off after she made noodles.

       “Hate to break it to you, but I was the one who left the stove on,” Sam admitted, Bucky’s lips formed a nervous smile as he was now awaiting the scolding he was about to receive from y/n.

       “Boom, bitch! I didn’t burn down the kitchen! Are you finally going to admit you accuse me of shit that isn’t my fault?” y/n jumped in front of him, an expectant smile on her face.

        “When most of it is actually your fault? Not a chance,” Bucky squinted as he shook his head. y/n groaned, clenching her fists at her side before storming off into her room.

       “I really think you shouldn’t be as harsh on her as you are. I know you lost Steve and all, but that girl lost a lot too. Nat was her best friend, now she’s gone. She was pretty close with Steve too, he’s gone. Tony? God, he was like a father to that girl. Can you maybe knock your attitude down a notch?” Sam requested the moment the sound of y/n’s door slamming rang through the compound.

       “We all lost people, Sam,” Bucky shook his head dismissively.

       “But y/n’s different. Look, just be nice or I’ll stop buying plums from the farmer’s market,” Sam warned him before walking off.

       Meanwhile, the moment she shut the door behind her, the rings of her phone echoed off the walls of her room. She rushed over to her dresser and realized it was a number she didn’t know of.

       “You’re an Avenger. You can deal with a prank call,” she urged herself before unlocking the phone and answering the call, pulling the phone up to her ear.

       “Y/N L/N?” a woman’s voice questioned.

       “Speaking. Are you with the government? I swear, I only fell asleep for 15 minutes during the meeting,” y/n panicked. The woman on the other side of the phone sounded like she could’ve been the secretary to one of the senators she met with the week prior to that day.

       “I’m with the government, but not in the way you’re thinking. Miss L/N. I’m Elise Jones from child protective services. I’m here with your sister’s lawyer, Mike Jonas. We need you to come over to the 87th precinct,” the woman explained. y/n’s brows furrowed; was her sister in trouble? She could’ve sworn Cassy was the goody-two-shoes of the family.

       “Did Cassy do anything wrong? Shouldn’t you be contacting her husband? Wait, child protective services? My sister doesn’t hurt her kids, I know that for a damn fact,” y/n spoke, her tone filled with confusion.

       “Miss L/N, your sister’s dead,” upon hearing those words, a feeling of dread crept upon her. No, it wasn’t possible, was it?

       “No. No, this isn’t possible. If you’re trying to paint me as a suspect to my sister’s murder, it’s not happening,” y/n shook her head in denial. She’d been through that process before the accords and she sure as hell wasn’t going to go through the process anytime soon.

       “Miss L/N, I assure you, you’re not a suspect for this case. I didn’t want to tell you this over the phone, but due to unforeseen circumstances, you’re the legal guardian of her children.” 

i hate you but taglist:

Forever tags:: @spatium-viatorem​ /  @sxphiiwrld​ / @strangersstranger​ / @nerdy-bookworm-1998 / @rororo06​ /

MARVEL TAGLIST: @captainamerica-is-bae​

BUCKY TAGLIST: @missmidnightxo​

[osamiiya]

Breaking up with Ushijima even though you still love him.

Requested By: @aonenthusiast

Pairing: Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader, slight Semi x Reader

Scenario: #9 Breaking up with someone even though you still love them.

**Angsty, slight timeskip spoilers

Song: "Like We Used Too." Rocket to The Moon

Omiomi's 200 Follower Event

"Y/n. I do not have time to entertain this relationship when I could be using that time to practice and improve." What infuriates you most about the situation is how calm he is, how logical he makes it sound even though there's no logial backing to it.

"Fine." You huff, at this point you're too angry that he ruined your entire lunch period by breaking it off in front of his friends, pushing past a Semi Eita who just wanted to comfort you.

"Don't touch me Semi." You storm down the hall and all the way to your dorm.

Finally allowing yourself to breakdown.

' What went wrong? Nothing. No it's not my fault. I supported him, I never asked for his attention often, he's just blind. God, he's stupid." You scream into your pillow, all your anger, frustration and hurt pouring out.

"Wakatoshi, that was a but harsh no?" Tendou is frowning at how blunt, how cold he was in breaking up it you.

Semi narrows his eyes slightly.

"And in the middle of the lunchroom? And right in front of us? Jeez, you brought it up as casually as you would ask someone what they're having for lunch."

Reon shakes his head in disappointment "You could've been more sensitive, the break came out of nowhere."

"Oh, my bad. Should I go and apologize?"

Tendou's eyes widen as Ushijima began to stand.

"Wakatoshi, you just broke up with them. They probably don't want to see you anytime soon."

Ushijima nods and continues to eat his lunch, oblivious to what the problem was in how he ended it. It was a clean break, straight to the point.

Over the next couple weeks Semi juggled his friendship with Ushijima and with you. You clearly needed someone, and because you dated Ushijima a lot of others didn't want to be friends, having some sort of grudge.

You eventually got better, feelings forming for Semi after the two of you graduated, who said that the two of you could take it slow and try it out for now, just in case you weren't ready for another relationship.

Which brings you to now, a couple years later still in a relationship with Semi.

"Are you sure you're ok with coming to Ushijima's game?" You roll your eyes and kids his cheek.

"Of course, I'm fine with it."

The two of you sat down, watching the game and you could've sworn that you made eye contact with Ushijima.

Shaking it off, you continue to watch the game, pointing out people you recognized from highschool. Laughing in disbelief when you spot the orange headed boy who jumped higher than you've ever seen someone jump.

"I heard he spent some time in Brazil." Semi whispers over to you, kissing your ear lightly pulling a giggle from you.

Ushijima watched the whole thing unfold, spikes getting more erratic and powerful as he dumped his emotions into the game. That would eventually be their downfall, as he started to miss more and more spikes as he saw you lean into Semi and look at him with those love filled eyes.

He came out of the lockeroom, clearly upset although none of his teammates knew what had happened to cause him to act like this.

"Ushijima!" Semi's waving with one hand, the other clasped around yours, a ring on your left hand.

His heart tightens with jealousy and he realizes that he never did take the time to get over you, always pushing away his thoughts of you and missing you until they resurfaced at the sight of you, and because he never took the care and time to get over you, he realized that he did still love you, and that he loved you back then too.

"Good job out there, really took me back to highschool." He smiled and you wave slightly.

You didn't change, well, maybe your hair, and you look more mature, but underneath that you were still his, no, you were still the same y/n that he loved.

"Does he love you as much as I did?"

The air grows thick with tension as you and Semi realize what's happening at the same time.

"I'll, uh, leave you two then, I'll wait at the car." Semi moves to kiss your temple, but flinches away when he catches Ushijima's hard glare.

"He loves me more than you did, considering you dumped me out of the blue because you wanted to focus on volleyball." You cross your arms, thumb playing with your engagement ring.

"Why did you not come back to me?" Ushijima's fave is stone cold, although, he never did express his emotions physically very well.

"You never asked, and I was heartbroken. Imagine your first love breaking up with you out of the blue to focus on a team sport that you clearly supported them in." You gnaw on your bottom lip, uncomfortable under his gaze.

"I still love you-"

"And I've moved on Ushijima." There's no more 'Toshi' or any variant of his name that you would use to call him.

"I'm getting married, and Semi wants you at the wedding. You were teammates after all, and he considers you a friend still."

Ushijima opens and closes his mouth, then nods, not being able to articulate how much he missed you and still loved you, and that he was just a stupid teenager that was willing to risk relationships to be at the top.

Your phone buzzes and you assume it's Semi messaging you that he's brought the car to the front of the venue to pick you up.

"It was nice seeing you Ushijima." You're turning away when he grabs your arm.

"Will you come to another game?"

You tense, and think for a moment.

"Maybe." You sigh, not really knowing what else to say, or how to tell him that this encounter was uncomfortable enough to last a lifetime.

He nods, satisfied with your answer.

The next and last time he saw you was at the wedding, you walking down the aisle looking perfect. But instead of what he thought would eventually be him at the alter, stood Semi, who beamed at the thought of being yours forever.

---

Permanent Taglist:

@sachirou-senpai @prayerofthehaim

[wing-ed-thing]

Cabaret (Might Guy x Reader, Chapter XI)

Synopsis: You can’t stand Might Guy. Honestly, how could anyone be so boisterously unaware and sickeningly positive? Your heart sinks as the both of you are teamed up to infiltrate and collect information from the Hidden Sound’s gritty underground. Maybe losing yourselves in the dark of the the Sound’s nightlife will help you both come to an understanding.

Word Count: 2,198

Tags/Warnings: Alcohol/Alcohol Abuse, Language Probably

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIIIChapter IX Chapter X Chapter XI 

Notes: So I originally made a 14 chapter outline and well, it’s been mostly used up. Oop.

“Who do you think was the Leaf’s informant in the first place?” Those words resounded in your head. A shiver worked its way down your spine and your mind went blank. Only those words. The sentence broke apart, rattling around as they bounced against the sides of your skull. Leaf. Informant. Who did you think? First place? And the first thing out of your mouth didn’t include an accusation, but only a—

“Why?” You looked up, forehead scrunched. The flames around you died down to non existence. A puff of smoke wisped into the air, a vague reminiscence of your flaming spirit energy.

“That’s an easy one.” Orochimaru’s smirk morphed into a deep scowl. “We both want the Akatsuki out of my territory.” You snorted and crossed your arms.

“Why would I want the Akatsuki out of y—”

“Perhaps I should rephrase.” Orochimaru cut you off quickly, taking a step closer to you. He cleared his throat, putting his smug exterior back on. “We both want the Akatsuki to take a hit, don’t we? You must know by now that they’re trying to take my army out from under me.”

“Teaming up with you,” You mused with a huff before giving the pair a sceptical look out of the corner of your eye. “How much did Lady Fifth know about this?”

“Enough,” Orochimaru shrugged. “Now, now, dear, Kabuto tells me you’re smart. We’ve left the Leaf alone for quite some time—” You scoffed, once again cutting off the snake Sannin.

“Yeah, after killing our last Hokage and kidnapping a child,” You muttered. Orochimaru’s eyes narrowed, unamused.

“Sasuke Uchiha came to me of his own free will. But that is beside the point.” He was beginning to get impatient. You could tell, feeling the ever so slight shift in his tone. If anything, Tsunade had been right to send an empath. Orochimaru remained ever-cognizant to not let himself falter. “We’ve left the Leaf alone. The question for you is if you want the Akatsuki organization to assume power over yet another village, a shinobi village, or if you’d rather it belong to a Sannin who has no intention of harming you… anytime soon that is.”

“And in exchange?” You found yourself questioning. Orochimaru quirked an eyebrow.

“And in exchange you get to walk out of the Sound alive.” Kabuto stepped forward. His palms faced the ceiling, a gesture of good will as he motioned towards you.

“Your mission will be done quicker. You’ll have new information available to you. We’ll allocate any resources you need.” He pushed up his glasses. “And of course you’ll have back-up whenever you need it.” Orochimaru glanced at his underling.

“Is that what you kids are calling it now?” His jest was ignored and he once again met your eye. “Take some time to think about it, m’kay, dear? We’ll be hearing from you soon, I’m sure.” And just as the pair turned to leave, you called out.

“Wait!” Orochimaru glanced over his shoulder.

“Yes?” He purred, smirking.

“Why me?” You demanded in all cliché. Orochimaru sighed, disappearing from the apartment, leaving Kabuto to answer your question.

“You’re the one calling the shots on this mission, aren’t you? Since you’re the point of contact?” An appeal to your ego. The words sounded familiar to you, but you couldn’t quite place from where. You couldn’t read Kabuto’s features in the slightest. You had a lot to think about.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

***

You needed a drink. You didn’t know a whole lot right now, but that you could safely say that at the very least. The door of your apartment slammed behind you. Darkness enveloped your studio and no you made no effort to turn on any lights. You made a b-line for the kitchenette. As you opened the fridge, the light flooded over your face. Nothing strong enough. You flicked on the lights above the counter island to look in the bottom cabinets. Vodka. That’ll do nicely. You resurfaced, slamming the bottle on the counter and that’s when you noticed the large figure sitting on your bed in the darkness.

“Holy shit!” You let out a string of curses and clutched your chest. “Guy, you scared the shit out of me.” He didn’t say anything and you didn’t wait for him to. You went to unscrew the top of your bottle and took a long, deep swig. The ethanol burned your throat, leaving you with an almost medical aftertaste. But you wouldn’t be a very good hostess if you couldn’t handle that. You put it back up to your lips. The liquid glugged, large bubbles bursting at the bottom of the bottle. You could already feel your stomach begin to heat up, the buzz creeping up on your slower than you would have liked. Worrying about the mission and Orochimaru could wait, you didn’t want to deal with it. You turned your attention back to Guy who remained ever-silent. “Maito, are you okay?”

He sat completely still in the dark. His legs were long enough for his feet to lay flat on the floor. His elbows met his knees and he made no effort to move from his hunched over position. Guy slowly raised his head, face completely emotionless.

“Where were you?” He asked quietly. You smiled nervously.

“I was with Shou, on dohan, remember? I told you that.” Guy shook his head.

“I saw Shou. I served him at the bar and he said that he hadn’t seen you.” He frowned. You didn’t even bother denying his silent accusation. He was right. “I looked for you everywhere. I thought something happened to you.” You took another swig of your sizable drink, leaning over the counter.

“I-I’m sorry.” At best, the apology came off insincere. Guy ignored it.

He repeated himself, “Where were you?” Your tongue ran across the edge of your lip. You weren’t going to insult him further with a lie.

“Orochimaru has a proposition for us,” You opted and Guy’s eyes went wide.

“What?” You sighed, wishing that you could just go to sleep. You took a deep breath.

“I said, ‘Orochimaru has—”

“I heard what you said.” Guy stood from your bed, a single hand gestured towards you. He looked visibly upset. His usual joyful expression had since vacated his features. He clenched his jaw, looking troubled and worried. “And you’re telling me that you went to go meet him alone? We just had a conversation about how you can count on me. And what did you say?”

“No, Guy, I do. I do trust you.”

“You said, ‘I know. I know I can trust you, Maito’. I thought that we were starting to get somewhere. That if you were to talk to Orochimaru, you at least would have brought me to back you up instead of leaving me blindsided to figure it out from some random Sound ninja later.”

Guy didn’t yell. He didn’t raise his voice in the slightest, he was just quiet. You almost wished that he were angry. He just sounded tired.

“We were, we are getting somewhere. I really do trust you, you’ve been a great partner. I didn’t even know that I’d be talking to Orochimaru—”

“Then who did you think you were meeting?” You looked up, meeting his eye from the other side of the counter. He already knew. Guy folded his lips and cast his head down. He sighed again. “I had a bad feeling about him and I had a bad feeling when I asked you about it. But I thought that you had it under control.”

“I do have it under control.” You were beginning to lose patience.

“No.” Guy looked you dead in the eye. “No, you don’t.” He ran his thumb across the corner of his mouth, casting his gaze to the side. “You’ve got a really powerful gift, but it makes you vulnerable. I’ve seen how much you drink. You should have had more time to train before you were thrust into a mission like this.” You glared at him with gritted teeth.

“What are you implying? That I’m unfit for this mission?” Guy turned back to you, serious and emotionless. He refused to answer, so you pushed a bit harder. You crossed your arms. “Say it. Just come out and say it.”

“I never said that you were unfit for this mission.”

“Well, make a definitive statement or back off.” A pause. The tension hung thick in the air around you. You felt heated, perhaps due to the alcohol.

“I’m going to contact the Leaf tomorrow. One of us has to come off of this mission. We’ll need as much help as we can get if Orochimaru is involved.” He turned to leave.

“Don’t you get it?” You snapped, “No one is coming to help us. Godaime knew, okay? She sent us in blind. Orochimaru has been our informant this whole time.” Guy stopped. You continued, “Orochimaru confirmed that the Akatsuki are here or at least trying to recruit. He proposed an alliance.”

“For what?” Guy once again faced you. “Orochimaru couldn’t possibly want something for nothing.”

“He said that he just wants the Akatsuki out of the Sound. What throws me is the fact that Godaime didn’t say anything about it.” Guy sat, his frustration morphing into a puzzled curiosity. He furrowed his brows. “He’s willing to help. Anything we need he’ll provide.”

“You didn’t take it, did you?”

“I didn’t give an answer.” The corners of Guy’s lips drooped father downward. “I didn’t know what to say.”

“‘No’ might have been a good answer.” You stepped back, hands on your hips.

“Orochimaru has information. We’ve been working HEAVEN for a long time and we’ve drawn up nothing. Our original hunch that Orochimaru is behind all of this is completely down the drain now.” You gazed at your large bottle and wanted to take another drink but Guy’s words burned in the back of your throat the way liquor never could.

“How do you know that this isn’t some kind of ploy? He still could be behind all of this and is just trying to throw us off.” You sucked on the inside of your cheek, your hand coming over your mouth.

“You didn’t see his face when he was talking about the Akatsuki. He’s pissed.” You met Guy’s eye. If you couldn’t read him before, you certainly couldn’t now. He remained still and listening. “This mission can be over with even faster than we imagined. We could go home.”

“You can’t stand me that much,” Guy stated, trying not to let his words bite. “So much that you’re willing to work with the man who terrorized our own home?”

“I can stand you perfectly fine. I know it may come as a surprise but I don’t hate you, you know.” You sucked in a sharp inhale.

“Well then what is it?” You became aware of your chest as anxiety burrowed a hole deep in the pit of your ribcage. You cast your eyes away but Guy continued to look upon you expectantly.

“I don’t know.” You went to maneuver around the counter, but Guy swiftly stood from his seat to block you. Your head hung.

“Yes, you do.” He stood, unyielding, above you. “As your partner, I deserve to know.” You dared to look up at him. He felt overwhelming, his scent overcoming you and his emotions pungent in the air. “Please.” You followed his lips as they moved. “Let me in.”

Hardly after a moment of consideration, you nodded and immediately kicked him in the knee. And as he doubled over to around your height, you scooped his face into your hands and planted your mouth on his. His lips felt soft as they gingerly moved against yours and after a moment of shock, his hands found your waist. You poured all of you mixed emotions into his chakra network. His energy spilled into your system, washing over every inch of you and you let it. You let the memories circulate away: news of your mission, nights in training, watching him perform his tricks from the other side of the bar. You loaded it all out: the annoyance, the fear, the comfort. And in exchange you felt his helplessness, worry, and doubt. Guy pulled you closer and you couldn’t help but squeak into his mouth. An unspoken longing.

But when you broke away, you broke away quickly. Guy seemed to be more at peace, happier. His usual Might Guy glow came back and for once that night, you could read a semblance of normalcy on his face. He visibly relaxed as if something in him melted away when he crashed into you.

“I didn’t know how to explain it. How I was feeling.” And then all of that went away. His slight smile dropped. He cleared his throat.

“Okay.”

That was all he said before he left and you didn’t know where you went wrong. You didn’t stop him. You wouldn’t get a chance to talk to him the next day either. You wouldn’t have the time. HEAVEN would be even more frantic than usual and that was because Yuzuki was dead.

Notes:  I think I might just post a link to the A03 every time a new chapter comes. Cabaret will no longer have a schedule with my other works. I’ll just double post one day and it’ll be a surprise cause I have no idea where this is going. No worries, though, I’m still planning on finishing it. Expect a new chapter later this month. I might as well make this series it’s own calendar. 

Thank you to everyone who liked, reblogged, and followed. Your support means so much and is greatly appreciated.

[lifeofkaze]

An Art of Balance #35

Orion Amari x MC

A/N: This is it, folks. The last one, the last chapter of this story. I am really emotional right now (and also this mf gave me a really hard time). Keep an eye out for the epilogue that will be uploaded directly after this! ENJOY THE FINALE 💛💛💛

Word Count: ~ 5.000

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Chapter 35: Wishing on a Silver Night

When Lizzie and Orion turned their backs on the hustle and bustle of the party, the air around them immediately grew colder. Now, away from the noise and the light, it took Lizzie’s eyes a moment to adjust to the light of the stars and the moon.

They were heading down the path leading around the Black Lake, walking further away from the castle. The air was rich with the sounds of the summer night; she could hear the crickets chirping and the water of the lake murmuring as it was slapping against the shore. Every so often, a dark, winged shadow would pass over their heads; probably owls from the nearby forest on their nightly hunt.

The air was mellow and smelled of grass and the still warm pebbles littered around the waterfront. Lizzie was loving everything about the peaceful atmosphere, feeling herself relax more and more with every passing moment.

She hadn’t realised just how much she had missed being in Orion’s presence. They were talking about everything and nothing; the match, the party, their friends, Skye’s father and why exactly that bloody House Cup had to be so heavy, it had taken Skye’s and Lizzie’s combined strength to lift it up properly.

Anyone other than Lizzie might have been surprised at Orion’s casual tone and how easy it was to make him laugh; but she knew that this was a side of him not many people were allowed to see. She remembered him telling her how he was using his detached demeanour to determine who was truly willing to listen to him on that night on the Astronomy Tower. He had trusted her enough to share this intimate piece of information about himself. Back then, her conscience had been weighing heavily on her with all of her lies still on her mind.

But there were no more lies left now, she had scraped up every single piece of dishonesty and gotten rid of it. All that was left were these moments right here and now.

Orion had let go of her hand some time ago; his arm was now resting draped across her shoulders and Lizzie was leaning ever so slightly against him. Being so close to him and actually being allowed to enjoy it still felt surreal; she had to constantly remind herself that there was no reason to have a bad conscience anymore.

She couldn’t help but smile broadly as Orion dipped his head back and laughed at something she had said, making her giggle herself all over again. Her cheeks already hurt from laughing but she had no intent of stopping anytime soon.

“You are absolutely right,” Orion chuckled. “If Murphy is not going to lose his mind about the impossible improbability of your last pass, I don’t think I ever knew him at all.” He glanced at her from out of the corners of his eyes. “But by now he should know, nothing is impossible when it comes to you.”

Lizzie laughed lightly. “You flatter me, Captain.”

“Honour where honour is due.”

They fell silent as they continued walking along the moonlit path. It didn’t feel like much talking was needed between them; they were just enjoying each other’s company..

As they moved further away from the castle and the people celebrating, Lizzie became increasingly aware of Orion’s hand on her shoulder. A touch of something else was starting to surface beneath the familiarity of Orion's presence. Lizzie’s heart was beating faster in her chest and the fluttery feeling that had arisen inside her stomach was spreading into every last corner of her body. She thought about adjusting her hand’s position on his back for a moment, but she didn't dare to move it, afraid of making him withdraw his arm.

Lizzie was more than surprised by her own shyness. It wasn’t a feeling she was particularly used to and through the tension that had started building between them during their continued silence, she was unsure on what to do next or whether she should be doing anything at all. The sheer thought of ruining the mood by doing something wrong was scaring her and made her go even quieter.

This wasn’t what she had expected to feel like when she had agreed to leave the party with Orion. With the conflict between her and Rowan being settled for good, Lizzie was free to do whatever she wanted and she was sure about one thing at least - this was exactly what she wanted, what she had wanted all along.

But the fact that there was nothing and no one keeping them apart anymore didn’t make her feel happy at all; instead, she suddenly felt very vulnerable. Her heart was lying out in the open and there was no Rowan serving as an excuse to hide behind anymore.

Noticing her shift in mood, Orion tilted his head to look at her.

“What are you thinking?”

Caught up in her musings, his question took her by surprise. “Sorry, what?”

“You have gone very quiet. Is something wrong?”

Embarrassed her thoughts had been showing that much, Lizzie felt herself blush.

“It’s nothing really, don’t worry,” she mumbled.

Orion stopped and let go of her, placing both of his hands on her shoulders instead; Lizzie was missing his warmth instantly.

“I have always known you to carry your heart on your sleeve, Chaser; until this year, that is. Now that you and Rowan have made your peace, I had hoped you would go back to not being afraid of your own thoughts anymore; you don’t have to hide when you’re with me.”

Although her heart was beating faster, Lizzie felt herself calm down. There was nothing but sincerity and affection in Orion’s eyes, coaxing an apologetic smile from her lips.

“It’s just that I’m not used to feeling so awkward around you.”

Slowly, to give her the time to move away should she choose to, Orion raised his hand to her face and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Lizzie’s breath hitched as his fingers brushed her cheek.

“We can always go back if you don't want this,” he told her quietly, his expression not giving his thoughts away.

Lizzie quickly shook her head. There was no place she’d rather be than right here with him. She felt a shiver running down her spine as his thumb caressed her cheek and she covered his hand with hers, his eyes growing soft as he took in her face.

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

For a moment, a memory resurfaced in the back of her mind: her and him on the dancefloor at the Three Broomsticks, Orion brushing her hair out of her face and telling her she was looking beautiful with her hair down.

Back then, she had felt confused and terrified, like a deer caught in the headlights. This time, however, she didn’t feel scared; it felt like the moment before jumping off a cliff without knowing how deep the water below might be. She held her breath as Orion’s eyes dropped to her lips and realised for just how long she had been ready to make this jump together with him.

Just as she was about to let go of her thoughts and lose herself in the moment, the approaching sound of hushed voices and subdued giggling cut through the air and had them look up in surprise.

Lizzie strained her eyes trying to make out who was coming up the path behind them. She heard Skye’s familiar laugh and raised her eyebrows in disbelief at the tall blonde figure accompanying her. What business had Rath and Skye going for a walk around the Black Lake together?

So far, the two girls hadn’t seen them and before she could react, Orion took her hand and pulled her off the pathway to where they were concealed by the shadow of a tree. He put a finger to his lips to indicate for her to be silent and Lizzie nodded. She was trying hard not to think about what Skye and Rath had just interrupted.

To calm herself down, she took a shaky breath and leaned a bit forward to better see. Skye and Rath had stopped next to a huge willow tree, apparently engaged in conversation. Lizzie could see Skye squaring her shoulders and raising her chin, but to her surprise, Rath didn’t snap back at whatever she might have said; on the contrary, the deep, warm timbre of her laugh was floating over to them.

A moment later, she had pushed Skye against the trunk of the tree; Skye’s hands vanished in her blonde mane of hair as the two girls Lizzie had always thought detested each other started making out right in front of their eyes.

Not believing what she was seeing, Lizzie’s jaw dropped to the ground. She was speechless for a moment before a giggle escaped her mouth. Trying not to laugh out loud, she clapped a hand over her mouth, her whole frame shaking from the effort to remain silent.

Grinning broadly himself, Orion nudged her and shook his head. He leaned over to her and even through her laughing Lizzie felt the fine hairs on her neck rising as he whispered into her ear.

“Even the most steadfast rivalry can turn into fondness, it seems.” Lizzie could hear the laughter in his voice and turned to look at him; his eyes were sparkling with laughter as he continued, “Maybe we should leave them to it.”

They silently left their hiding place behind; as soon as they were out of earshot, Lizzie couldn’t hold it in any longer and burst into laughter. There were a lot of things she would have expected from Skye but snogging her arch nemesis? The thought made Lizzie laugh even harder; she had to double over making Orion shake his head when she couldn’t stop. He couldn’t hide the grin on his own face, however.

Lizzie’s laughter being contagious, it quickly turned into a chuckle and then into a laugh of his own. The charged atmosphere between them had evaporated completely and made way for the same relaxed mood Lizzie was used to from Orion’s company. She half regretted losing the moment they’d had earlier, but was also half glad to tread on familiar ground again.

When she still couldn’t stop snickering, though, Orion put his hand on her back. He had regained his composure, but Lizzie could see how he was fighting to not start laughing again.

“You need to calm down,” he told her with laughter still ringing in his voice. Lizzie really tried, taking a deep and deliberate breath, but she was so far gone now that the mere thought of having to stop send her into a fit of giggles yet again; it was all too much for her, their almost-kiss, Skye and Rath of all people and the whole situation in itself were making Lizzie hysterically giddy.

Sensing words alone wouldn’t help, Orion lightly laid a finger on her lips.

“Hush now,” he said softly, “calm down.”

His gentle touch broke her out of her state immediately. The fluttery feeling spreading through her body was so intense it was close to overwhelming and she could feel her heart skip a beat.

It didn’t help much in the way of calming her down, but Lizzie had stopped laughing in any case. Her lips curved into a smile again - this time directed at Orion - and she rested her cheek against his chest as he pulled her closer.

Lizzie could feel the smooth pendant of his necklace against her skin and took another deep breath to calm her tingling nerves, the by now so familiar scent of ginger, patchouli and cilantro enveloping her. It transported her straight back to another night, up on the highest point of the castle, overlooking the Black Lake gleaming in the silver light of the moon. The same cool night air touching her skin had made her shudder back then the same as it did now, a stark contrast to the warmth of Orion’s arms around her.

At the memory of what had happened that night, all the tension between them was back. Lizzie lifted her head away from Orion’s chest and raised her eyes. She was surprised to see the flicker of uncertainty crossing Orion’s face; she wondered for a second if her otherwise so confident captain was just as uncertain about what to do as she was.

Lizzie knew he wouldn’t draw back if she simply stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. She contemplated doing it; no use pretending this wasn’t what she had forbidden herself to dream of ever since she had let him go. But yet, a shred of doubt remained, the tiniest hint of fear that something could go wrong and she might mess things up again.

Lizzie didn’t even know what she was so nervous about; after all, it wasn’t liked they hadn’t kissed before. But deep down, she could feel there was more to this moment. It wasn’t merely about a kiss, it was about something greater than that, the way things should have been from the beginning.

Before her emotions had the chance to overwhelm her, her eyes dropped from his face and she bit her lip. Her eyes wandering over their surroundings, she spotted a huge, old tree trunk lying on its side close to the shoreline; it was a popular place to lounge by the water during the day. To mask her blushing face, Lizzie broke free from Orion with a nervous laugh and walked over to it.

“What are you doing?” Orion wanted to know as he followed her; Lizzie could have sworn to hear the same mixture of frustration and relief in his voice that she was experiencing herself.

Feeling more secure in herself again, she flashed him a cheeky smile across her shoulder before hopping onto the fallen tree.

“Balancing,” she grinned down at him; standing on top of the tree, she was now almost a head taller than him.

He shook his head. “You really are one of a kind, Chaser.”

Lizzie extended her arms and balanced along the length of the tree, trying not to look back at him. She couldn’t help but curse herself inwardly for her cowardice; she had positively fled from Orion’s touch, but now she was thoroughly regretting giving in to her momentary panic. She was acting like a child; what was wrong with her?

Caught in her silent argument with herself, Lizzie didn’t watch where she was stepping. Her breath hitched as her foot slipped on the damp wood.

Out of reflex, Orion had extended his hand. “Be careful!”

Lizzie had already regained her balance, however. She stopped walking and looked at him with her eyebrows raised, a teasing smile playing about her lips.

“Do you worry about me falling?”

“One time per day is enough, don’t you think,” he answered with a soft smirk. He placed his hands on her hips to steady her. Lizzie put her hands on his shoulders to support her weight as she leaned slightly forward; standing on the log, she had to look down on him for a change.

“It is,” she agreed, her smile growing wider as her eyes found his. “But once again, you’re here to catch me.” She brushed Orion’s hair out of his face, raking her fingers through his dark curls.

He closed his eyes, leaning into her touch. Lizzie’s hand came to rest at the base of his neck, playing with the ends of his hair as he opened his eyes again.

“I’ll always be there to catch you.”

All of their surroundings, the sound of the water, the chirping of the crickets, even the cool air of the night seemed to fade into the background; Lizzie tried in vain not to drown in Orion’s deep, dark eyes as he pulled her closer.

Brushing all of her flaring nerves aside, Lizzie’s eyes fluttered close as she bent down and carefully, ever so gently, placed a kiss upon his lips. She felt him smile against her mouth as he kissed her back; her heart was close to bursting from the rush of adrenaline washing over her. She could feel the slight pressure of his hands on her hips as he supported her weight. His scent that she loved so much enveloped her, making her head spin and her knees weak. Finally being able to kiss him again felt like reaching the end of an endless journey, the finish line always in sight, yet just out of reach.

His grip on her hips tightened and Lizzie laughed against his lips as Orion lifted her off the tree trunk as if she weighed nothing, spun her around once and set her down onto the grass, all without breaking their kiss. She felt drunk on him and his touch, as if she was flying again, just like she had felt in his arms back on the Quidditch pitch.

When they eventually had to break apart for air and their eyes met again, Lizzie’s mouth curved into the softest smile; her hand went to his face and cupped his cheek, the rough stubble of his beard scratching her palm ever so slightly. He leaned into her touch for a moment; his eyes were closed and Lizzie could tell by the smile on his lips how much he was savouring her touch. After a moment, he opened them again and leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes not leaving hers even for a second.

“I missed you.”

His barely audible confession sent a new set of shivers running up and down her spine.

“I missed you, too,” she whispered back, just in time before he kissed her again, his hands now leaving her hips and pulling her into his arms completely.

Lizzie let herself fall into his touch, forgetting everything around her. She couldn’t believe this was real, this was really happening; and what was more, she didn’t have to feel guilty anymore. The immense relief that was mixing with her happiness was so strong, it brought tears into her eyes.

Sensing her shift in mood, Orion broke away from her, his eyes flickering over her face with worry.

“What’s the matter?”

Lizzie shook her head silently, not wanting to ruin the moment by crying. “Do you know how good it feels to not have to hide anymore?” she whispered and buried her face against his chest out of fear of getting overwhelmed by her emotions.

Orion gave her that moment to herself, cradling her head and stroking her hair until she felt her emotions calm down again. Where she would have felt embarrassed before, now she was thankful Orion understood; come to think of it, he always had.

“Come on,” he took her by the hand and led her past the old tree to another big willow up ahead. Lizzie recognised it immediately; it was the same place she and Skye had watched Orion doing yoga a week ago; it felt like an entire lifetime had passed since then. She knew it was one of his favourite places to spend his time and smiled to herself that he was willing to share yet another spot so close to his heart with her.

They walked to the shore and sat down into the grass. Lizzie winced when she felt the cold seep into her as she put her palms onto the dewy ground. Orion didn’t seem to mind in the slightest; he had already laid down onto his back, one of his arms behind his head and was watching the starry sky above them. Hesitating for a moment, Lizzie sighed inwardly and joined him, trying to ignore the reluctance she felt at the cold grass under her back. Orion pulled her over to him so she could rest her head against his shoulder, the ends of his hair tickling her face.

Even despite the cold entering her body from where it connected with the ground, Lizzie relaxed and enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere. The stars above them were crystal clear; maybe not looking as close as on top of the Astronomy Tower, but the sky seemed to be wider out here, like an ocean of inky darkness and sparkling stars. She could see all the different constellations, her eyes tracing the familiar patterns as they wandered over the canopy above them.

Orion was twisting the ends of her ponytail around his fingers and watching her smile to herself. “Care to enlighten me as to what is making you smile?”

Lizzie chuckled. “I just thought that now I don’t have to pretend to not know my stars anymore.”

Orion hummed in response. “You never had to in the first place.”

They fell silent again, just taking in the night sky and enjoying each other’s company. Lizzie could feel Orion’s heart beat inside his chest and placed her hand on the corresponding spot, prompting him to press a kiss against her hair.

However, as she let her mind wander, there was one thought that kept coming back to her over and over again. The picture of her best friend being pinned between a tree and what Lizzie had always assumed was the person she liked least in the whole school kept popping up in front of her inner eye. She couldn’t help but start laughing again.

“I still refuse to believe it,” she chuckled, the sound of her voice seeming unnaturally loud in between the soft noises of the night around them. “Skye and Rath, of all people! I never even saw that coming.”

Lizzie could hear the smile in Orion’s voice even without looking at him. “It’s the most natural thing for any force in this world to strive for balance.” Lizzie could feel the tips of his fingers lightly stroking her hair as he continued. “If I have learned one thing this year, it’s that opposites do attract each other.”

When he saw that Lizzie was still grinning at the thought, he chuckled silently. “You’ll never let Skye hear the end of it, right?”

She had to laugh at his words. “You know me.”

Orion hummed in response. “Despite everything, I like to believe that I do.” Lizzie felt him shift his position as he propped himself up on his elbows. “But still, there is grace in not pursuing someone’s weakness when it is exposed to us; try to have mercy on her.”

Lizzie’s eyes sparkled with mischief as she looked up at him. “Is that an order, Captain?”

His serene expression changed, a playful grin forming on his face. “Asking your team captain? Yes. Asking just me? Absolutely not.”

Lizzie sat up into a sitting position. “I’m very glad to hear that,” she chuckled. “I mean, we’re talking about Rath! Erika Skye-cannot-get-a-grip-when-she’s-around Rath. In a thousand years I wouldn’t have seen that coming; I am shaken!”

“So much is apparent.”

“Aren’t you surprised at all?”

Orion shrugged. “If you try to master the art of accepting anything the universe bestows on you, you are seldomly surprised.” Upon seeing Lizzie’s sceptical look he added, “But maybe a little bit.”

Lizzie tilted her head to the side. “Nothing ever seems to really shake you, does it?”

Orion’s eyes dropped from her face and wandered over the lake lying peacefully in front of them. His brow furrowed as he contemplated her question.

“I wouldn’t put it that way,” he answered quietly after a moment. “You getting hit by that Bludger today did shake me to the core.” He ran his hand through his hair, distress flickering over his face at the memory. “Seeing you hanging on the side of that tower completely threw me off course for a moment.”

He had sat up as well, pulling Lizzie against him so she could rest her head against his chest once more. He still didn’t look her in the eyes when he continued, but he reached for her hand, intertwining their fingers. “That’s what you’ve been doing for the whole year, to be honest; throwing me off balance. No one makes it harder for me to focus than you.”

His words were spoken so softly and with such open vulnerability ringing behind them, it took Lizzie’s breath away. Feeling her own emotions well up inside her, she snuggled closer to him, the beat of his heart grounding her again.

She smiled to herself as she looked at their joined hands. “It’s been a strange year for sure.”

Orion laughed. “I told you the fifth year is a singular experience, remember?”

“And right you were.” Her smile was fading as she continued. “I’m sorry for all the bad decisions I’ve made this year. All the pain I caused…” She sighed. “ I made a lot of mistakes.”

“Don’t be,” he told her with a slight shaking of his head. He let go of her hand again, placing his hand on her cheek once more, his thumb gently brushing over the corner of her mouth. “Every step that we’re taking and every decision we’re making lead us to where we need to be. Everything you did this year has brought you to this moment right here, hasn’t it?” His eyes were swimming with emotions as he took in every inch of her face. “I wouldn’t want to change that for anything.”

He tilted his head and pulled her closer as he kissed her again, making the butterflies in Lizzie’s stomach swarm all over again. She reached up to place her hand on his neck, but when her fingers touched his warm skin, she felt his shoulders tense.

“Your hands are icy,” he murmured against her lips.

Lizzie instantly drew back and felt herself blushing; even though she had been leaning against Orion for most of the time, she had started to grow colder by the minute.

Orion took one of her hands between his, the contrast between his warm skin and her cold one making her shiver. “You should have said something,” he muttered.

“I’m fine,” Lizzie reassured him, a smile stealing onto her face as Orion placed a kiss on the back of her hand. “I just don’t want this moment to end; I wish it was forever.”

“In some ways, every moment is forever,” Orion smiled back at her before kissing her forehead. “You just need to hold on to what is dear to you.”

Leaning into his touch, Lizzie closed her eyes, trying to memorise the sounds of the lake and the woods surrounding them, the scent of Orion’s hair and the feeling of his fingers absentmindedly brushing over her spine. It was true; she wished she could hold onto this moment and never let it go again.

Lost in her thoughts, she traced her fingers over one of the small woven bracelets Orion was wearing around his wrist, her eyes following the intricate pattern of the soft leather strands.

“What’s going to happen now?” she asked quietly, deliberately leaving her question open to his interpretation.

“Whatever you want to happen,” Orion answered with a sincere smile. He caught her icy fingers that were still playing with his bracelet and pulled her up from the damp grass as he stood up.

“But for now, I suggest we go back and get you near the fire.”

Lizzie felt a touch of sadness at the thought of leaving their place underneath the stars; it was like waking up from a dream to return to the real world. But by now, despite her best efforts, her teeth had started chattering from the cold, the exhaustion of the day and slowly coming down from the continuous adrenaline high she had been on since she had set foot onto the Quidditch pitch. She was glad for Orion’s arm around her shoulders as they were walking back to where they had come from.

When the light of the bonfire and the unmistakable voice of their victory party came in sight again, Lizzie slowed her steps until she came to a halt. Orion turned his head and looked at her questioningly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Lizzie mumbled, trying to put her feelings into words. “Everything just feels so surreal all of a sudden.”

Orion hummed in response. “Do you want me to let go?”

“No,” Lizzie reassured him hurriedly, “please don’t.”

She reached for his hand still lying on her shoulder to make sure it stayed right where it was. “This is what I want.”

He turned to her and raised her chin with his hand as his eyes found hers. “That’s fortunate, because no matter what the universe has planned for us, I don’t intend to let you go anytime soon.”

Lizzie smiled as she felt his lips brushing against the corners of her mouth before he pulled her into his arms and held her close. A sense of overwhelming happiness took hold of her as she buried her face against his chest.

They smiled at each other one last time before Lizzie reached for Orion’s hand and pulled him back to where she could already see their friends celebrating up ahead.

This was how it should have been all along.

She knew this was exactly what she wanted, what she had wanted for so long she still couldn’t quite believe that Orion was now here by her side.

He was right; regretting what was in the past was futile when every step along the way had led them to this point, this moment, her hand resting in his as they stepped out of the darkness into the light.

Everything about this felt right.

It was perfect.

[world-of-puppets]

Puppetry Lost Media

In honour of reaching 50 followers last week (now 55 followers, as of writing this) I decided to cover two subjects of great interest to me: puppetry (of course) and lost media.

Everybody online loves a good old bit of lost media. Whether it be being a part of the many searches for the media in question, or watching documentaries about them on sites like YouTube. I’ve been mildly addicted to the latter kind of content for a while. From what I’ve seen, though, there aren’t many videos or articles out there specifically covering lost puppetry. So, in no particular order, here are a couple of pieces of lost puppetry I found while scrolling through the lost media wiki.

銀河少年隊 - Ginga shounen-tai AKA Galaxy Boy Troop (1963 - 1965)

Osamu Tezuka is one of the most pioneering figures in Japanese art and animation. Starting as a manga artist in the 1940s inspired by the animated works of American studios such as Walt Disney and the Fliecer Brothers, he adapted and simplified many of the stylistic techniques of both artists to create his own signature style of big shiny eyes, physics defying hair and limited animation. A style that would go on to heavily influence the world of anime and manga as a whole.

But animation and graphic art were not the only mediums Tezuka would dabble in. Ginga Shounen-Tai, or Galaxy Boy Troop in english, was a television series that aired on the public broadcast channel NHK from April 7th, 1963 to April 1st, 1965. Running for 2 seasons with a total of 92 episodes.

The series was a mixture of marionette characters that utilised the Supermarionation marionette technique, popularised by Jerry Anderson’s Thunderbirds, and limited traditional animation. The story revolves around a child genius named Roy who leads a rag-tag group of heros around the galaxy in a rocket ship in order to revive the earth’s sun and later protect it from alien invaders.

Out of the 92 episodes that aired, only episode 67 still exists in its entirety with French subtitles, and the full episode can be found on YouTube with English subtitles uploaded by user Rare TezukaVids. According to user F-Man on the Tezuka in English forums, footage of episode 28 exists but with no audio, and episode 87’s animated segments exist without the marionette segments. F-Man also claims the reason for Galaxy Boy Troop’s disappearance is due to Tezuka not being proud of the series and having all episodes of it destroyed.

Personally, I think it’s a shame that pretty much all of this series is gone. From what I’ve seen in episode 67, it looks really charming. Tezuka’s signature character design style was adapted suprisingly well to marionettes, and the puppetry itself isn’t that bad either. I love the little face mechanisms like the blinking eyes, flapping mouths and others. It gives the puppets a lot of personality and charm. Like, just look at this old mans eyebrow mechanism and tell me you wouldn’t want to watch 92 episodes of this show;

Tinseltown (2007)

Tinseltown was a 15 minute sitcom pilot created by the Jim Henson company under thier Henson Alternative banner. The pilot was commissioned by the Logo Network and aired as part of the Alien Boot Camp programming block in 2007.

The pilot (and likely the series, had it been picked up by the logo network) features a cast of both puppets and live actors as characters. The premise revolves around Samson Kight, an anthropomorphic bull preformed by Brian Henson and drew Massey, and his partner Bobby Vegan, an anthropomorphic pig prefomed by Bill Barretta and Michelan Sisti, as they attempt to balance thier lives working in Hollywood with life as parents to thier sullen 12-year-old foster son, Foster, played by Paul Butcher. Other human characters included Mia Sara as Samson’s ex-wife Lena and Francesco Quinn as the family’s manservant Arturo.

The Tinseltown pilot used to be available on the Logo Network’s YouTube channel, but was later removed for unknown reason. Since then, the pilot has not been made available online. However the characters Samson and Bobby have made appearances in other Henson related works, such as the improv stage show Stuffed and Unstrung, where they played the role as the shows producers, and in a 2011 video on the Jim Henson Company YouTube channel celebrating Jim Hensons 75th birthday.

I find Tinseltown pretty interesting as I feel like it should be more noateable or known, considering that this is (as far as my knowledge goes) the first Jim Henson Company project featureing openly lgbtq characters as its leads, and would have been the first Henson show to do so had it been picked up. As someone who’s interested in lgbtq+ representation in creative media such as animation, I realised that there’s not many examples of canon lgbt characters in puppetry. The only ones aside from Samson and Bobby I could think off the top of my head would be Deet’s Dads from The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance and Rod from Avenue Q. Though, obviously, there could be more I’m not currently aware of. I don’t think the Tinseltown pilot was a masterpiece or anything. After all, there’s probably a couple of good reasons Logo didn’t pick it up for a full series. But I think it be cool if either Henson co. or Logo made this available online again, if just so we could appericate it as an interesting little footnote in the history of lgbtq rep in puppetry.

With that said, considering the pilot’s obscurity and the fact that it’s main couple haven’t been used in any Henson Related projects in almost ten years, as well as the possibility that there may be legalities preventing the Henson company from releasing it such as Logo still owning the rights, it’s unlikely we’ll see the Tinseltown pilot anytime soon.

Sonic Live in Sydney (1997 - 2000)

Sonic the Hedgehog is a fictional character no stranger to multiple interpretations of him and his universe across a diverse range of media. From the more light-hearted and comedic stylings of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Cartoon Networks Sonic Boom cartoon series, to more serious faire such as the Sonic SatAM cartoon and the Sonic Adventure videogame duology. One of the more obscure and stranger adaptations of the character came in the form of Sonic Live in Sydney, a one an a half hour live show hosted at the former Sega World Sydney amusement park in Darling Harbor, Sydney, Australia. Originally beginning as a live show with actors in meet-and-greet style costumes, the show eventually was replaced with a puppet show during its last two years.

The shows plot was set in an alternate timeline whos continuity was a mix of the SatAM cartoon and Sonic the Hedgehog 3, where Doctor Robotnik’s Death Egg crash lands in Sydney, Australia instead of Angel Island and attempts to take over before being foiled by sonic and friends. According to Phillip Einfeld of Phillip Einfeld Puppetoons, the company that made the puppets, Sega felt the costumed actor version of the show wasn’t dynamic enough, and wished to replace it with a version featuring live puppets with animatronics. Both versions of the shows plot are identical.

While Sonic Live in Sydney’s soundtrack is available on YouTube, and some photos of the show are available on the Lost Media Wiki, no footage of either the costumed actors version or the puppet show version have resurfaced. The show was closed down in 1999, possibly due to cost, shortly before the Sega World park as a whole in 2000. So unless there is someone out there who viseted the show between 1998 or 1999 who recorded the show via a handheld camera, footage of both incarnations of the show are likely forever lost to time.

On a personal note, I don’t have much to say on this one other than how gloriously peek gaudy 90s Sonic the set/puppet design is. I have no doubt finding footage of these puppets in action would truly be a silly delight to behold...

Legend of Mary (year unknown)

This one is a little different from the other entries on this list as while the film itself in its entiraty is available on YouTube for anyone to view, the information surrounding Legend of Mary, specifically its year of release, remains a mystery as of writing this.

I have mentioned the film before on this blog so I’ll keep it brief here: in summary, Legend of Mary is a short film retelling of the Nativity featuring the Rod puppets of Austrian puppeteer Richard Teschner. the video was uploaded to YouTube by user canada 150 archive. I looked up the people credited in the film and was able to find most of them, but didn’t find Legend of Mary listed in thier credits, and was unable to find the film on sites like IMDB, tMDB or Letterboxd. I reached out to Canada 150 archive asking if they had any info regarding the Legend of Mary’s release date, and after a coupe of months, they replied saying they didn’t know.

And that’s as far as I got on my search for answers, if anyone of you guys has any information regarding Legend of Mary, then it be of huge help in finding the release date.

Sam and friends (1955 - 1961)

Sam and friends was the very first puppetry television series created by Jim Henson alongside his colabarator and future wife Jane Nebel. filmed in Washington, D.C. and airing twice daily on WRC-TV and the NBC affiliate in Washington, D.C. from May 9, 1955, to December 15, Sam and Friends would mark the first apperence of Kermit (though not yet as a frog) and paved the way for Henson’s iconic and revered legacy in the realm of puppetry on film and television.

With the impact this show had in mind, it may come as a shock to some that almost half of Sam and Friends, specifically, 42 of the 86 episodes, are considered lost. With 16 existing, 8 documented, 9 known from memory, plus 8 existing Esskay commercials and 1 memory-known Esskay commercial. Some taped episodes have been shown at venues such as the museum of the moving image while others have been erased. It’s unknown if copies of these erased episodes still exist.

This post would become far to long if I were too list every episode missing from Sam and Freinds, but if your curious, the lost media wiki article has a comprehensive list of all lost episodes.

Annnd that about it for this post. This type of content is pretty different from the stuff I usually post. So I’m egar to see what you guys think about it. If you enjoyed this article, want to see more like it or have ideas for what puppetry-related topics I should cover in the future. And again, thank you all so much for helping me reach 55 followers. Your support really does mean a lot to me, and I hope you enjoyed this as a follower milestone gift.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this dip into lost puppetry, and have a happy holiday season!