#it's not like i'm a monster or anything but i sometimes am my own worst critic you know?

[ozzgin]

Yandere! Demon King Headcanons

You have accepted the Demon King’s marriage proposal!

I wasn't planning on writing a second part, but some of you gave me ideas and I decided on short headcanons instead. The image of a big, buff, evil Overlord lovingly doing house chores for their human was too tempting.

Content: gender neutral reader, monster romance

[Main Story]

The proposal, as you quickly found out, came as a surprise to everyone. Not even the King’s loyal butler knew of such intentions; he’d assumed they were finally going to destroy everything and everyone at once. To him, the dramatic scene of you and his Lord enveloped in flames was anything but a romantic confession. It was your final battle. So one might imagine the poor lizard’s confusion when the Demon King returned with you following behind. “S-sir?” He questioned meekly. The armored creature nodded at his servant. “It has been done. We’ll plan the wedding upon our arrival home.” The what? His baffled expression must’ve given him away, because the Demon continued: “What’re you gawking like that for? Didn’t I ask you earlier how humans forge a bond?” The butler stumbled to search for his words, swallowing dryly. “Well y-yes, your Majesty…I just didn’t expect it to be anything more than curiosity.”

The same speechless reaction repeated itself all the way to the Kingdom. Soldiers, diplomats, other monstrous entities of the unknown Land, they all greeted you in disbelief. So much, in fact, that you began to poke fun at their hesitant response: “I am his mortal enemy”, you’d announce with a dramatic bow. “Spouse! We talked about this!” the Demon Lord would quickly correct you, flustered.

Truth be told, you're not quite sure what made you accept this ridiculous offer. Perhaps a mixture of intrigue and disillusionment. The city you've dedicated yourself to stood no longer, burnt to a crisp along with its corruption and crookery. In a way, the monster had unshackled you from a responsibility you no longer wanted to bear. And if that wasn't enough to convince you, well, the sight of the Ruler himself kneeling before you certainly sealed the deal.

Although it may take a while for you to accept the idea that your worst adversary had actually been infatuated with you this entire time. Were there even any hints? During your last battle you nearly died. You'd crawled out of an enormous crater on your fours, bones shattered and ligaments torn. When you pointed this out to your groom-to-be, he stared at you in horror. "I had no idea humans were that fragile. I was trying to adjust my strength so as to not do any harm." You could only nod, patting away the sweat beads forming on your forehead. Uh huh. Maybe it's better you didn't experience his full range of attacks.

Ever since the devastating revelation, he's been extra careful when handling you. Sometimes he'll awkwardly hover his large hands above you, with a concentrated frown on his face. "What the hell are you doing?" you ask, eyeing him suspiciously. "I'm trying to be gentle." he'll answer. "You're not even touching me." Fair point, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

The Demon King will often ask you about customs from your world as a way to make you comfortable, just in case you get struck by the occasional homesickness. His Realm is very different from what you're used to, after all. Lamentably, his own years spent in the human world were not too fruitful from a cultural point of view. He was either busy stalking you or devouring the souls of the innocent. Now that he has nothing else to worry about, he will gladly listen and even do his best to actively participate.

You wake up shrouded in thick smoke. Overwhelmed by heavy déjà vu, you rush down the grand stairs, searching for the source of the fire. Are you being attacked? Enemies of the Demon King? You elbow yourself against the kitchen door, similar to when you left your home to find the city ablaze. The Demon Lord turns to face you, visibly overwhelmed and exhausted. You gawk at the scene unfolding before you and remember to close your mouth, mainly out of politeness. "It's too small. I'm afraid I cannot use it", he reveals timidly, holding a human spatula between his fingers to showcase the impractical size difference. You glance at the disastrous attempt behind him and manage to deduce he'd been trying to make breakfast. In an unspoken agreement, he steps back and allows you to take over.

"I'm surprised you let him burn down the kitchen", you mention to the butler once you get a moment to yourself. The scaly servant sighs, and theatrically lifts his clawed hands in hopelessness. "Pointless to argue with him when he's like this, (Y/N). In my entire life serving the Family, I've never witnessed a more stubborn leader." He points to the lavish portraits adorning the walls with a faint smile. "And, to put it frankly, he's obsessed with you. I've never seen him in a more deplorable state. Marrying a human?! The shame, the outrage!” he cries out. “No offense intended to you, of course. You must understand." You hum in agreement, a tad uncomfortable, yet sympathetic. "M-maybe it'll tone down after the wedding?" you suggest as encouragement. "Oh, no, I suspect it will only get worse", he bemoans in return. Then, he promptly straightens his back and resumes his duties.

You go on your own way, not wanting to burden the lizard in his work. As you cross the hallway, you find the Demon King himself scanning each room, somewhat agitated. He notices you and his features soften. "I was wondering where you'd vanished." You approach him with the words of the butler still ringing in your ears.

[troius]

I just want to say a few things before you get to the end. First up, it's been a pleasure to read your thoughts on the series; like any fan, you have your own unique interpretations and it's always good to read how fans see certain scenes. It's also been fantastic to see fellow fans respond to your posts adding on to what you've written, again bringing your thoughts out more and generating discussion.

Also, seeing your thoughts has made me appreciate scenes and characters I never thought I would -- Yamamoto for instance, who would've thought?! They've also reminded me of why I fell in love with the series as much as I did, from the artwork to the themes to the incredible bonds between the characters. You've reminded me that BLEACH has it's flaws that can sometimes take you out of the story, but when it hits, it 100% HITS! It's a manga that's about the bonds we form, how they can help us overcome challenges and be a source of light in our lives. It's about the ways we overcome grief and the fear of death, whether it's literally fighting your way through it or slowly coming to a state of acceptance as time goes on. It's about the 'hearts' of people, about what they look like and how they're shared between those you choose. I could go on and on, but then this would become an essay and we'd be here all day.

All of this is to say, thank you for choosing to create a Tumblr account and deciding to read the series and give your thoughts along the way. I can't believe you've finally reached the end, it almost feels like I'm saying goodbye to the manga again!! I don't think I'm the only one here who sees you as a big and valued part of the community on here, so I hope you'll be sticking around! :)

Thank you so much Rays! Response under the cut because it went long.

This won't surprise you, but I too have grown in my appreciation for the series over the course of the uh three years that I've run this blog. Bleach has character concepts I've never seen elsewhere. It has moments of storytelling brilliance. It has truly, phenomenally astonishing art.

But more than anything else, I, like you, am impressed by the heart. For a story that's largely about the afterlife, Bleach is shockingly humanistic, locating virtue not in any system of belief, in any group or faction in the various conflicts that provide the setting for the manga, but in people. All people, whether they're our extremely relatable teenage protagonist and his friends, the occasionally sketchy adults in his life, or the various adversaries ranging from evil monsters to supernatural samurai to a regular-ass gang to a foreign apocalypse cult. Bleach never, not once, lets the viewer fall into the comfortable childish space of believing that there's good people and bad people in the world.

There's just people. Sometimes these people want to do bad things, like execute their sisters, or kidnap your girlfriend, or isolate you from your family, or destroy the entire world. Bleach doesn't flinch away from that either. But it (again, very humanistically) locates those bad actions not in the individual human beings, but in our relationships with one another through the systems and structures we've created to organize ourselves.

And yet in the face of the idea that humans do their worst work through other people, that's also where Bleach locates its greatest virtue. Alone, we're nothing. It's the bonds that we have with others that are what make life worth living, that are the source of everything good in this world. And navigating that dynamic, between spiritual bonds and structural shackles...that's really what adult life is all about, isn't it?

Anyhow, my adult life has been greatly enriched by all of you on here. But I'll take the chance to thank you specifically Rays, for being such a source of joy. Your positivity and passion are the sort of thing that makes a humble blogger want to come back for more, and I've deeply enjoyed hearing all of your thoughts, not just on my liveblog, but through your own posts and writing. I'll be sticking around for sure.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[therookandthecrow]

Of course, the only female Rook I'm planning to romance Lucanis with is the closest to a self-insert as possible, without actually being like me. I've given her a lot of my darker personality traits, many of which I have been working on, in earnest. My looks, however, not at all.

Actually, she's based off one of my Tavs, Iellana in looks and personality [for reference, Iellana is a Sharran priestess/'confessor' sort - almost a Dark Justiciar]. I hope I can give Nirasha a dagger tattoo in Dragon Age, because she is essentially her.

There is a lot more about her under the cut. Before that, enjoy my screenshots of how her counterpart looks in Baldur's Gate 3.

Nirasha is coldly distrusting, harsh, and pessimistic, likes to do things 'by the book', she has a resting b---- face [more like a resting murderer face, if we're being fair], she's stubborn, fiercely judgmental, she has an innate sense of superiority, sometimes to the point of arrogance!

She's also very traditional in the way 'this is how we have always done things, why do we need to fix it', very rigid and stern-minded, likes to have every thing accounted for, she does not tolerate mistakes, especially her own. That, and she never forgets a transgression.

In fact, it is a comfort for her to go to sleep imagining the ways in which the people whom have wronged her could potentially die, especially at her own hands. Vindictive is her middle-name. She really needs someone to either reel her in or to encourage her murderous ideations. *cough* Lucanis *cough*

Her demeanor is best described as cagey, guarded, curt, no-nonsense, distant, aloof, unnerving almost. In her other iteration, she is literally a Dark Justiciar of one of the most evil fantasy Gods possible. Don't be fooled by her Vallaslin of June in Veilguard, she'd have got one of the Forgotten Ones, if it was an option.

While judgmental of others, she is more judgmental of herself. A perfectionist, I am not, but she is one. Her death-glare doesn't help either. She has a way of looking at people that makes a lot of them think that she hates them. That is only true half of the time. She actually self-flagellates, emotionally - she is a masochist.

She's coolly sardonic, and on the outside, she appears to be dismissive of other people's feelings. However, she is quite sensitive, especially to criticism, deep down. When wronged, she is ruthless to the point where she won't tolerate anything less than the ruination of those whom have done the wronging.

Forgiveness is not a strong point. I've thought of her as the woman with daggers for eyes. It's hard for her to find the glass half-full, in the proverbial sense. One of her worst traits is that she gives a 'fifty reasons why you suck' speech to people under the guise of being helpful.

While she's good at problem-solving, identifying-patterns and putting them into words, she has a lot to work on in her delivery, because the way in which she words things has hurt other people in the past, even though it was not her intention. It doesn't help that she smirks instead of smiles.

Lucanis may end up "fixing" her, because I like flipping tropes and expectations around, and I've seen too many "I can fix him" posts about Lucanis before the game is even out! I like the idea of Lucanis, even with his own issues, being the person she'd needed all along, while she is the person he's also needed.

She's not a vessel for negative traits of my own, and those which I do not have, but she is intended to be a study of a female character with a lot of traits often associated with male characters. She's supposed to be an asshole who eventually accepts her soft side, and lets herself be vulnerable and breathe for once in her life.

Lucanis is the one who prevent her from succumbing to the darkness inside of her and turning into a monster of a person. I'm actually planning to play her BG3 iteration again sooner than later and romance her with Gale to mirror her relationship with Lucanis in Veilguard.

[twig-tea]

Get To Know Me Tag

Tagged by @telomeke @lurkingshan @my-rose-tinted-glasses @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle and @hyeoni-comb thank you all! 💕

Do you make your bed?

I like a messy bed, it feels more welcoming to me somehow. The only time I make my bed is when I'm without heat and it's winter, then you gotta do it to keep in any residual warmth! But normally I'd rather keep everything loose.

What’s your favorite number?

I....don't think I have one? Is this a thing people have, how do you choose?

What is your job?

I manage a team of Product Owners in the Operations division of a multinational company. In other words, I go to a lot of meetings.

If you could go back to school, would you?

Absolutely not. Beyond the fact that I was formerly a substantive editor of university textbooks, which included both editing the textbook content and sometimes writing their ancillaries (tests, powerpoint slides, etc.) so it feels like I took first-year Sociology at least ten times, I just don't love formalized education. I love learning but on my own terms and at my own pace.

Can you parallel park?

I can't drive at all! Technically I learned how, took lessons and everything, but never got my license.

A job you had that would surprise people?

Hmm. I was a call center person for half a day, it was terrible and I left without getting paid for the work I did because I was so eager to get out of there I didn't want to fight them for my pay (even though I needed the money which is why I was there in the first place). I hate phone calls, I can't hear well on the phone, and it was clear the call center script was designed to be exploitative. It was one of the worst jobs for me I could have taken lol

Do you think aliens are real?

I think it's extremely likely!

Can you drive a manual car?

Nope, even when I learned, it was only on an automatic.

What’s your guilty pleasure?

I'm not guilty about it but I can decimate an entire family size mac and cheese when I'm feeling down.

Tattoos?

I have 3 tattoos; one on each foot and one on the back of my neck. They form a rainbow.

Favorite color?

Blue-green! The shade of preference for any given moment varies, but anything in the region from mint to aqua to teal to turquoise will do; I love them all.

Favorite type of music?

My music taste varies widely but the common denominators are 1) fast tempo or upbeat, 2) solid harmonies, and 3) if there's a tempo or key change I am doubly sold.

Do you like puzzles?

Love puzzles of all kinds. I have a collection of jigsaw puzzles I do regularly, and word puzzles, logic puzzles, sudoku type stuff is all very fun. I don't make a lot of time for them but I do them occasionally and always enjoy it.

Any phobias?

I am afraid of falling. Not heights, but falling. The difference is: I can lean over the railing at the top of a 20-storey building or walk on a glass floor over a big drop and just feel a minor thrill, but am terrified to the point of maybe crying if I have to balance on a single step of a ladder or walk across a patch of ice. I had several brushes with death related to falling when I was a kid, and a few bad falls that caused injury as an adult, so it makes sense. Luckily I am pretty tall so I rarely have to do any kind of ladder-ing!

Favorite childhood sport?

American-style tackle football. We used to play at lunch on the pavement because the soccer kids got the field; we played in all seasons including snow, and we did it for love of the sport. I loved it a lot.

Do you talk to yourself?

Occasionally I'll provide a little commentary on what's happening aloud to myself; but I don't really have fully conversations.

What movies do you adore?

I have loved a lot of movies in my time! A few random ones that come to mind right now because I've been thinking about them for whatever reason are Saving Face (2004), Monster (2023), Practical Magic (1998), Moonlight (2016), and Clue (1985).

Coffee or tea?

Despite my username being a type of tea, in this as in all things I am a perfect Kinsey 3. Love both equally and drink a ton of both (coffee more regularly, tea in greater volume).

First thing you wanted to be growing up?

Lifeguard, I think! And then when I was in elementary school I wanted to edit textbooks (I was that kid who got annoyed whenever there were mistakes), so I did actually get to do my childhood dream job.

No pressure tags just going with vibes based on who I've interacted with recently (if you've done this already tag me in the comments!): @rocketturtle4 @visualtaehyun @sollucets @troubled-mind @jimmysea @ginnymoonbeam

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, just a little reminder to everyone who has attempted to message me or talk to me, and didn't get a reply or didn't get a reply they wanted.

I often have people messaging me expecting instant friendship and emotional support and talking to me as if we already knew each other. I don't think this is done with ill intent, but I do want to gently remind everyone that we are complete strangers when interacting online, and that I cannot grant anyone instant friendship; to me you are a person I don't know. I will talk to you as a stranger would. Even if you've been reading my words and taking solace and imagining a friend telling them to you, to me you are someone I've never met or known, and I cannot function as an emotional support on a personal level to strangers. It ultimately is not helpful for you to convince yourself that a stranger on the internet is your personal friend, or to push that stranger into trying to act the part; I am unable to fulfill this role. I am not emotionally well myself, and I do not have a support system, so being put in a situation where I'm expected to be one for a stranger feels unhealthy.

Another thing I'd love for everyone to remember is, that I don't have all of the answers. I love to help where I can, but ultimately I am a person in a lot of distress, trying to deal with multiple disorders without any access to therapy or even friends who understand what I'm going thru. I am isolated and posting on this blog is often all I have. If I knew how to get rid of trauma, how to deal with disorders, how to not be sick or in pain, how to evade abuse or how to feel okay, I would use this advice to fix my own life. But I am sadly, lost like the rest of us.

There are times where I am in too much distress to talk to anyone, if you sent me a message and it went unanswered, it is very likely that I was in a state so bad I could not communicate. I will usually recover from it within several weeks, but by that time I feel bad even reminding someone they've sent me a message, it feels asinine to try and reply so late. And it reminds me of the period where I felt bad looking at the message, unable to respond. I'm not ignoring messages on purpose. If you try again some time later, you're likely to get a reply, if I'm in a good state of mind.

However, if you send me a big number of messages at once, start talking about your issues without asking if it's okay first, send several messages without a reply and then keep sending them and demanding a reply, put pressure on me to communicate with you, try to guilt me into giving you an answer you want, or assuming I'm maliciously ignoring you, you've made me uncomfortable and I have to listen to my instincts and stop talking to you.

I am sensitive to anger, aggression, ranting, swearing, slur-use, and doing that in a conversation with me it will make me feel threatened. Because we're strangers, and any stranger acting like I'm an acceptable target to take their anger at is dangerous. We are not friends, and dealing with angry strangers is terrifying. In that situation I have to do what I would advise anyone else to do - leave the conversation.

The last issue is with people attempting to trigger me on purpose, pretending they need help then defending abusers, trying to convince me that all of my resources are harmful and doing nothing but damage, or trying to get me to delete my content, change my posts, advocating for abusers, siding with my abusers, telling me I'm a monster, insisting they're victimized by me unless I personally disprove my smear campaign to them, and generally trying to get me to lash out in order to post it online to claim I should be cancelled. That is the worst thing you could be doing to a traumatized abuse victim. I am a person, of course I sometimes say something wrong and not well thought and put out. That doesn't mean anything I ever do to help others is worthless and should be erased. And you will not convince me that my blog is useless or harmful. It helps me. And I am someone too.

[lost-scarecrow]

I never did share my KinitoPET oc playlists did I?

Anyways! These are just songs that remind me of them in someway. Could be something they'd listen too, something about the song represents them (title, album, cover art, lyric, interpretation, vibe, or genre), or I just like it and decided they need to like it too.

Obligatory tags for the askblogs Scar and Atâhk are from. Seriously check them out! and the other awesome askblogs and just blogs in general in this circle, I feel completely surrounded by the coolest and most talented people with the most inspiring, motivating passion for their characters and what they create. It's really helped me be more openly passionate about my own OCs.

Learn more and experience the serverbox au, where Scar is an asker character, here: @lastintheserverbox

Learn more and experience electronicdissonance, where Atâhk is a character, here: @electricdissonance

I'll add a read more because this is going to be... A lot.

Content warnings for: car accidents (not in-depth mention), missing peoples cases, character death (temporary), self loathing

Scar!

I really enjoyed making his playlist! I've been listening to it on repeat for like two weeks now! Rotating him and everyone else on serverbox in my head.

Five songs from his playlist that really stand out to me and my reason's why:

Gilded Lily - Cults || "Haven't I given enough, given enough?" || he feels like he's losing everything, has lost everything. Does he really need to give up more?

Only Human - Philip Ayers || it's the title and vibe. He might living in the digital world, but even then he's still only human he has hopes, dreams, and ideas for the future, he still gets sad, angry, and happy.

Disembodied Mind - Sparkbird || "I am in trouble with myself again... That's why I'll do anything to keep myself away from me maybe when I'm gone I'll see me in a better light" || He doesn't have the best opinion of himself, he sometimes wishes he did.

Milk Carton - Madilyn Mei || "Say, is that the kid from the milk carton? Can I do anything when I'm also missing?" || He's gone missing twice in his life. Once when he was a kid, around four or five, when him and his dad first moved to British Columbia. The second time was when he died, nobody saw him leave town or hear anything about him going anywhere, he was a little bit of a hermit, especially after Dahlia's passing, but he was still sociable and told people most of his important plans to leave just incase there was a wildfire, storm, or a rockslide so people wouldn't get trapped going up the mountain to warn him. They never really got closure on his case, they searched his house and found nothing that indicated he left or planned to go anywhere. His phone was still next to his desktop, dust had already began settling on everything. His car and his car keys were all still there. He just vanished.

Cold Island - My Singing Monsters || "Nobody likes me, everyone is afraid of me." || He tends to assume the worst when he gets in trouble, he doesn't have a good opinion of himself so why would anyone else?

---

Dot!

I got to include some different types of songs in her playlist because of what I image her to be! She's a seal/selkie in the digital world, she's also originally from Newfoundland and Labrador but her family also moved to Kelowna around the same time Scar's did, her mother is Labrador Inuit and her father is a second generation Scottish immigrant from Newfoundland.

Five songs from her playlist that stand out to me and my reason's why:

Great Big Sea/Gone By The Board - Great Big Sea (Newfoundland folk song) || I just like this song. This is the reason she's from Newfoundland and Labrador and not anywhere.

Bones In the Ocean - The Longest Johns || "I remember the living, do they think of me?" || Dahlia had a Kinito and he was on her phone with her, he enjoyed being with her when she visited Scar, he had never met Scar properly but he liked Scar he was a good friend a perfect second best friend for his best friend. When Dahlia was in her accident, they were driving home from Scar's. Kinito was with her and she knew Kinito could pull her into his world, he had offered it before but she told him she couldn't not if it meant leaving Scar behind. She remembers reaching for her phone and telling Kinito this was a special exception for her declining his offer, before she was fully dead he pulled her in, unable to pull her entire body into the phone he pulled in just her consciousness. She often thinks about Scar, wondering how often he thinks about her. Not knowing both of them are dead and living in the digital world.

Deal With Destiny - LDShadowlady, Scott Major, Pokopom || arguably a very silly song to list after all that I just wrote but listen, it fits Dot. She would've loved Empires Lizzy without a doubt.

4am (Acoustic) - Derivakat || "Keep me up 'til 4am, I'll stay up for you" || mainly the vibes of the lyrics, she'd stay awake if any one of her friends just needed someone to be awake with them.

Jort Storm - Slimecicle || She'd be singing this song all the time. It's chaotic, it's silly, it's a banger. She considers the lyrics "Got a genetic test but all my genes were shorts" a musical and writing masterpiece.

---

Atâhk!

So many choral songs! I just started building the playlist and was taken in by the amount of choral music I could put in his playlist. It's why his playlist is 21 hours long. I got a silly. Also his songs I chose ended up being more of the vibe of him.

Five Six songs from his playlist that really stand out to me and my reason's why:

Suspicion Of Humans / 人間への疑惑 - Akimitsu Honma, 関向弥生 || It's got a bit of a silly little vibe to it, sounds like someone is about to pull a little trick. "suspicioun of humans"? More like "be suspicious of that coyote over there with a bottle of glitter". It's 4:30 am I don't know what I'm saying but please understand the vibe. It's because Atâhk is silly and would pull little (harmless) gags and tricks.

Hug All Your Friends - Cavetown || "Life's too short, to worry about things that we got wrong, so hug all your friends and let them know, you're not letting go. No, I won't let go, oh" || a rule he lives by. Hug all your friends, there's way too much going on in the world to not let your friends know you care, to let them know you love them.

The Moon Will Sing - The Crane Wives || not so much the song, while this band is something Atâhk would listen too, it's the album title "Coyote Stories". Atâhk is a coyote it made me think of him.

Earth Song - Frank Ticheli, VOCES8, Requiem - Eliza Gilkyson|| "But music and singing shall be my refuge And music and singing shall be my light A light of song, shining strong: Hallelujah! Through darkness and pain and strive, I'll sing. Be. See. Live. Peace." - Earth Song, "mother mary, calm our fears, have mercy drowning in a sea of tears, have mercy. hear our mournful plea. our world has been shaken. we wander our homelands forsaken" - Requiem || This is a double feature of songs, because these songs are more of a personal choice to add rather than more of a specific character choice. With how I ended up making Atâhk as a person, he is empathetic, passionate, and a little bit overly sensitive. These songs, I imagine would have a similar effect on him as they did on me when I first sang them in choir, move him to tears. These songs are gorgeous and incredibly powerful.

Your Evening Porch - harren || you might need a little comfort after listening to those two songs, why not have a comfort song of mine and Atâhk's? He listens to a variety of genres and styles, but this? this song, this vibe, this is absolutely his favourite.

[candyeyeunicornskull]

"The self-reflection on the Introspection." & "Childish to the heart"

|| inner healing part 1 ||

"I wasn't so surprised that swap was being nice to me, I'm surprised on that he wants to be friends with me after what I have done. What's worse is that he walked in on me, doing self-therapy in my notes and papers. he hugged me and told me he was so proud of me. And he just...cried, he cried so hard. I have never in my whole life been so embarrassed and cringed by my own self. I don't like being vulnerable, it's reasonable. I just don't wanna be taken advantage of. And swap? He blindly risks it all by simply being fucking nice to them! Sometimes I'm wonder if he has...and if he did. why did he continues to be nice to people? I won't ever understand optimistic people. Sometimes I secretly worry for him, as a person whose been in their head alot, for years. It isn't fun, it's painful, torture process to crawl out of. I can tell, he's recently doing the same. There is no other reason for him to talk to me, unless he wants to know through my experience and advice. Because to him, I'm a "bad boy" who knows alot and dealt with alot of bullshit. I'm like the worst version of him, his the best version of me. I'm not a idoit and either he is. But honestly, I could give a shit less, I got free pizza from him and now we're watching the X-files. I'll. . .appreciate him more. For being here at least." 

------------------------------------------------------------

I stand outside in the cold snow, the snow was piling up onto my shoulders and coat. It was getting dark as the sunsets to dawn. I was waiting for the red light just to cross down the street, I looked in glass of the window and see my own self-reflection that didn't belong to me. It's a shadow of me, of someone toxic and abusive I used to be. a monster beyond redemption. noone understands me better then I do, I won't understand why people wanted to be friends with me. being trapped in this body and have a brain that is strongly against me is already insufferable and suffocating. I know something is wrong me and there's more. But I'm fine. I'm okay, it's all in my head. I'm in a safe place, I'm not in danger.

Why am I panicking over nothing again?

There's nothing to fight for.

..Five. I see a trash can, window, snowman, a red car, and a tree. Four...I'm a holding a bag, I can feel plastic, I feel my jacket against my bones..its warm. Fuck, I don't know what else. Okay okay okay so I'm...swapfell and it's 2013, December 9th.10:45 pm.

I'm safe, I'm fine. I see the colors of red, white, blue sky , and green. I see Christmas lights...I'm safe, just stop looking in the reflection. It's just a Hallucination, I'm fine.

I am okay. I'm here today.

I'm gonna walk across the street now.

I am safe.

Just bringing dounts to my friends.

I'm just. . . .annoyed and exhausted with myself today. I can't even FUCKING handle my own mood swings! NO... no.

Just bring the dounts to our friends and shut the fuck up...

Why do they even like me?

{{It's kinda vent/but not really since I was planning to kidnapped sfg and make a story about mental health issues. But I am kinda projecting onto him and Fluttershy 👹but you won't know. If it's me or the character, OR THE LYRICS HA THATS RIGHT. Anyways I was aggressively inspired by "bit of a monster" by vylet pony. This drawing was supposed to be experimental with a new brush, and such. I felt so comfortable and brave enough with it, I honestly feel like I can draw any pose in it♡ so I'm sorry if anything is off with the pose and such, this was supposed to be a fun drawing I WAS AGGRESSIVELY INSPIRED BY VYLET PONY SO MEANING FULL SHIT SO HA}}

[mayaswiterblog]

Me Inside, Me Outside (Homework)

This homework poem was written on 11 April 2019, translated into English on 18 April 2019 and then posted on Wattpad.

Translated Version

The demon out there It spits, it torments The Eyes glow With blood-red flow Sometimes yellow Or even another time With a Green shine

Demonic Moon Ignites Again When not shining It shines For me Warmth or Cold Whatever you feel But the Sun Blinds ye all Just like a magician Mirrors, illusions Do you see it That norm' lie?

They murmur They ponder They build Their own world Their own community You're alone You're odd Friends, treasures Under your wings The blood streams The Sun burns the feathers But the smile never fades Because faith is great When doing it for the greater good

And when others laugh with joy It recharges Anybody's welcome To my magic cave But only the backdoor Is open for a few more And only one life form Is my resource My only treasure

The World is sometimes Very strange Good or Bad An accident can be A good sign Even when it feels bad The good will always find it And change the fate Twisting it so tightly That it hurts But giggle still

In the vast SeaSky There's plenty of star-fish They gleam They shine Big & Small In the depth of that Ocean Another door in motion To another World Through the Roman corridor An enormous library can be found It's big, alright Full of rough drafts Written and drawn About anything and everything Nobody would read them anyway Unless you recommend them Or maybe find them yourself

But even the Water is not Always Peaceful There are all kinds of fish Could be a shark Or even an octopus A Pacific whale A Cute catfish

Who would even Love a monster? Either a stupid hero Or a brave knight

Say one thing Hear another The body's ugly The mind is great Think beyond everything See something else Understand very much But hard to explain A hand and a soul A Spirit of the Art Knowledge & sweet biscuits Ate way too much Without drinking water The thirst pressures The Self-esteem drops

But the smile still stays still 'Cause mum says "Always tolerate the pain It will go away again" "Panicking is the worst Always do your best" "Stay strong, unbend And never trust anyone To the very end."

No one ever cared Beside mum alone Friends came Then left The new came along But only a couple Stayed as life companions

Own people Like Romeo and Juliet Always claim You're not a person You're selfless Altruism reincarnate Who are you? I'm a woman, I'm a small girl Nobody will pay Attention Nobody understands They're gonna get Upset anyway I'm soulless I'm a Soviet robot I always float in the air

Until I found a new cave On the top of another mountain A new folk, a new song I felt the life As if I was a child again Silent like a black cat I observed and studied But I spoke and meowed Like a white kitty cat

The more you stay The easier is to see How tough I am Even if not acknowledge it myself They call for me As if I was A lost poor puss

Now that the sweet ring changes Tune so spiritually deep And so quivering It's scary Ghostly alarming The invisible thundercloud Always floating above the head But I wasn't left alone after all I've got a flower behind my ear Hugs and kisses A Friendship Love Even my laughter echoed at last With such ease, free and loud

And once again I found something insane Like a lucky accident Above the gleaming snow Under the freezing stars That creature right there So bright, so warm Couldn't even believe But it doesn't bother him To the slightest The heart beats, the heart freezes "You're beautiful, you're pretty" And he always says No matter how many times I show him my sharp teeth "You're cute, I wanna love you"

Finally, I am crying The icy walls melt The love is felt I feel myself As a beautiful woman And not anymore As a small room girl I'm able to scream, I'm able to sneer I can neigh now, I can chirp now I purr more, I wind like a snake I'm being myself I found my own tone of voice My heart is strong Because I'm honest with myself I'm humane now And it shows.

ORIGINAL SCRIPT:

Minä sisälta, Minä ulkoa

Demoni siellä Se sylkii, se räkisee Silmät kiiltävät Veren-punaisina Joskus keltaisine, Tai jopa Vihreinä

Demoni Kuu Syttyihän Taas Kun ei pasta Paistaa Se mulla Lämpö tai Kylmyys Mitä vaan tunnet Mutta aurinkohan Sokeuttaa Kuin taikuri Peilit, illusiot Näetkö sen Se normi valhetta?

He supinavat He ajattelevat He rakentavat Oman maailmansa Oman seuransa Olet yksin Olet outo Kaverit, aarteet Siipiesi alla Veri valuu Aurinko polttaa höyheniä Mutta hymyilee aina Koska uskomus on suuri Että muille tekee hyvää

Ja toiset nauravat ilotse Se tuo energiaa Omalle taika luolalle Tervetuloa kuka tahansa Mutta vain takaovi On avoin pari hahmoille Ja vain yksi eliö On voimavarani Ainoa aarteni

Maailma on joskus Tosi ihme Hyvä tai paha Vahinko voi olla Hyvä merkki Vaikka tuntuu pahaa Hyvää löytää sen kyllä Ja muuttaa sen kohtalon Vääntääksen niin kireeksi Että sattuu Mutta nauraa silti

Meritaivaalla on Plajon tähtikaloja Ne kiiltää Ne loistaa Suuria & pieniä Ton meritaivaan syvyydessä Löytyy toinen ovi Toiseen maailmaan Roomalaisen käytävän kautta Löytyy erinnomainen kirjasto Onhan se suuri Täynnä luonnoksia Kirjoitettu ja piiretty Mistä vaan tahansa Kukaanhan ei lue niitä Kunnes suosittelet Tai ehkä löydät itse

Mutta Vesikin ei ole Aina rauhallinen Kaloja on monenlaisia Voi olla hai Tai vaikkapa mustekkala Tyyni valas Söpö merikissa

Kukahan hirviötä Tykkää? Joko typerä sankari Tai rohkea ritari

Puhuu yhtä Kuuluu toista Ruumis ruma Mieli valtava Ajattelee yli kaiken Näkee muuta Ymmärtää todella paljon Mutta hankalaa selittää Käsi ja sielu Taiteen henki Tiede & makeat keksit Syönnyt liian liikaa Vesiä juomatta Jano painaa Itsetunto putoaa

Mutta hymy pysyy Koska äiti sanoo "Kestä kivun aina Sehän lähtee pois" "Paniikki on pahinta Tee parhaasi mukaan" "Pysy vahvana Ja älä luota ketään Luppuun asti."

Kukaan ei välittänyt Paitsi äiti yksin Kaverit tulivat Lähtivät Ja uudet tulivat taas Vain pari kappaletta Elämäntovereita

Omathan ihmiset Kuin Romea ja Julia Aina väittävät Et ole henkilö Olet epäitsekäs Altruismin reinkarnaatio Kuka olet? Olen nainen, Olen pieni tyttö. Kukaan ei ota huomioon Kukaan ei ymmärrä Suuttuvanthan ne silti Olen sieluton Olen Neuvostoliiton robotti Leijun ilmassa aina

Kunnes löysin uuden luolan Toisen vuoren huipulla Uusi kansa, uusi laulu Tunsin elämän Kuin lapsena olisin Hiljaa kuin musta kissa Katsoin ja tutkinut Mutta puhuin ja maukuin Kuin valkoinen kissumirri

Mutta mitä kauemmin viettelee Sitä helpommin näkee Kuinka kova olen Vaikka sitä itse ei tunnustaa He kutsuvat minua Ihan kuin olisin Eksynyt kisu parka

Nyt se suloinen kilinä muuttuu Sävel niin henkisen syvä Ja värisevä Se pelottaa Haamullisesti hälyttää Näkymätön ukkonen Aina kelluu pään päällä Mutta ei yksin jäännytkään Sain kukan korvan taakse Sylit ja pusut Ystävällistä rakkautta Naurunikin vihdoin kaikui Helpotusti äänen vapaasti

Ja kerrankin löytyi jotain järjetöntä Kuin onnen vahinko Kiiltävän lumen päältä Kylmien tähtien alta Se olento sieltä Niin kirkas, niin lämpeä Ei uskoisi kaan Mutta ei häntä kiinnostaa Sydän sykkii, sydän pysähtyy "Olet kaunis, olet ihana" Ja aina hän sanoo Vaikka kuinka paljon Teräviä hampaitani näyttäisi "Olet söpö, haluan raksataa sinua"

Vihdoin itkettää Jäiset seinät sulavat Rakkautta tuntuu Tunnen itsensä Ihanaksi naiseksi Eikä enään Pienekis huone tytöksi Pystyn huutaa, pystyn ivata Voin nyt hirnua, voin nyt visertää Kehrään enemmän, mutkittelen kuin käärme Olen oma itsensä Löysin oman äänen sävynsä Sydämeni on vahva Koska olen rehellinen itseäni kohtaan Olen nyt inhimillinen Ja sen huomaa.

[ask-kei-machi]

(sorry that this is so much! awnser whatever you want)

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

pain: What's the worst pain your OC has ever felt? Do they have a high pain tolerance?

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

[C.W - Mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm]

How do you deal with loneliness?

“I tend to be surrounded by people for self-soothing purposes... I don't like being alone for long periods of time...”

Have you ever been completely alone?

“There was a period where I was completely isolated... Before I entered Darkwick, a former friend of mine revealed my secret about my identity... This is where my memories get blotchy, but I know that my peers stopped talking to me, thus causing a major depressive episode according to one of my siblings. It was also around the same time that I acquired my stigma...”

What would cause you to break down completely?

“Any information leaking about my identity... I spent so long rebuilding from ground zero, and I finally got people who genuinely care, friends that I can trust with most of my secrets. I can't lose it, I...” Kei's breath shakes, tears blurring their vision. “I can't lose everything I worked so fucking hard for.”

Who has seen you at your lowest?

“The only people that have seen me in my lowest are my siblings... Which is about two people.”

What is the worst possible future for you?

“That would most definitely be the one that I've had the displeasure of already experiencing, getting exposed and stripped bare for all to see and judged... Only for people I thought I could trust abandon me, leaving me for dead. I thought we were close, but I guess not...”

Are you taking steps to prevent it?

“By threatening asking the professors and chancellors to keep my identity under wraps for the most part, I believe that I'm doing all I can to prevent any information leaking. Especially by avoiding physical exams, although I should probably schedule an appointment for one soon...”

Do you have a high pain tolerance?

“I wouldn't say I have the best pain tolerance, but getting a chair thrown at you certainly makes one flinch and overly cautious. And getting smacked. And shoved down the stairs. And-”

What do you hate, and why?

“Liars. I'll be honest, I'm a hypocrite saying this as I dance around the subject of my gender, but I really do despise those who make shallow promises of staying by your side only to feed you to the wolves in the end.”

[C.W applies past this point.]

Who or what haunts you, and what happened?

“Ah... I don't like dwelling on this too much, but I will say my self-harming tendencies... This goes hand-in-hand with the depressive episode after getting exposed, and those weren't the happiest days I'll say.”

Are you comfortable in your own skin?

“I am more comfortable in myself now, I feel more... Myself, to say the least, but looking at my scars sometimes makes me wonder if I did the right thing. If I should've swallowed my discomfort and lived as someone who didn't like the body they were shoved in.”

How do you face the smallest, weakest, and worse version of yourself? Do you acknowledge it at all?

“I've... Acknowledged that part of myself... I know that I could've been worse than what I am now, I could've probably killed myself if I hadn't thought about making a deal with the devil to save myself the pain of suicide. I have been talking to a therapist, working through emotional baggage and all... Though sometimes it does get hard to battle everything with a two-person army.”

[sudenlehto]

"You can't please everyone" is such a difficult concept to me. What do you mean I'm supposed to be at peace not being able to keep every friendship I create, or be liked or understood by everyone I meet?

Obviously it's true that it's impossible.

But how am I supposed to not feel like a complete failure of a person if I couldn't avoid someone misrepresenting my intentions or opinions negatively and offensively as fuck or projecting whatever shitty mood they had on me? That sometimes you just choosing to be honest about your own values will make you completely incompatible with even a friend you valued a lot?

That it isn't enough that I try my best to consider everyone's perspective while also sticking to my values, that I try my best to be a decent person...?

I can actually just be hated and mistreated because to someone my values (like being against calling people with certain mental illnesses subhuman monsters who only exist to prey on others, oh what a horrible thing to believe!) are that bad?

I can actually just get shit because someone learned the history of my country from those who have killed my people for centuries and believes absolutely horrific false shit about us, believing I on some level deserve to take shit just for existing...? All this in the kind of a world where it's realistic of me to speculate how many years it takes that one day I kill myself in my apartment to not end up in hands of enemy soldiers, - that is - if a missile doesn't bury me in rubble or char me to ashes first?? Because of this being a possible scenario during my lifetime, most people from certain countries should fully shut up about mine or I will break their bones into thousands of little chips.

I can actually just get shit because someone decided that everything I say has the worst possible implications??

I can actually just get shit because someone smears me out of jealousy or to control whom their social circle mingles with, that I'm a convenient ugly outsider whose inferiority is a nice bonding activity to you and your friends?

I can actually just get shit because I felt too bad for you to give you a piece of my mind whenever you took your bad day on me, and this is why I apparently deserve everything you do to me..? And if I do give you a piece of my mind, it's all excuses and guilt-trips from you, and I'm the one apologizing?

I can actually just get shit no matter how I try to live up to my values, while also trying to be fair and well liked by everyone...?

I can not control if I am hated, sometimes I don't even have to do anything to be hated and at other times the choices aligned with my personal integrity and values are what makes someone hate me?

Sometimes I'm just so bitter.

People blame themselves for things we had no control over, because we believe we can control how we eventually get treated by others.

This leads to us trying to do the impossible, to be liked by everyone. Even though so many people are utter scum (not unlike yourself who are also judgemental and prejudiced) and all it takes is for you to take a breathe to start taking shit from someone again.

Sometimes you get blamed so badly for standing up for yourself that it'll be you who gets smeared and who loses everything because a bigot or an abuser played the victim so fucking hard when you gave them your real opinion of them.

Think of Ann Vondra, or any other person who didn't really have to do anything wrong. They were surrounded by a whole circle of abusers who wanted a scapegoat. Their life was changed for the worse, forever, they lost their dreams only because of an abuser. I grieve for this stranger so deeply. All their abuser needed was some bad optics, their harmless art that is "gross", to get people be against Vondra.

Any of us can become Ann, and that terrifies me. Nowhere is safe and no amount of trying to be a good person even protects you, because that doesn't protect you from people who just want to go hurt someone for whatever reason. They only need one superficially good-looking excuse, especially if it's easy to make people scared of defending you with it.

Or, for example you can be gay, somewhere where everyone hates gay people, or is too afraid to claim otherwise, - and are the only person you know who understands the truth about being gay. Maybe people in your community are full of otherwise kind people, but when you stand up for gay people, or worse, are the gay you're defending, - and these people aren't ready to hear it, - they cannibalize you.

Even people who most of the time are good company for chatter, helpful, stood with you through difficulties etc., can deeply believe in cultural stigmas against something you are, and either disown you or abuse you for it. In modern day many mental conditions still get this treatment.

I'm exhausted because I can not prevent these things. That I can deeply like and adore someone only to find out they believe I'm literally somehow subhuman or disgusting for some aspect of my identity etc. The constant isolation and heartbreak!

I feel that being non-allohet and autADHD are quite okay-accepted about me. The latter used to mark you as subhuman and as an undesirable outsider where I grew up, so I've had to heal that trauma though.

Being trans and multigender has never been accepted very well, and I've had to fight for it so much and I get new disappointments with it consistently. I've received the worst personal abuse IRL and URL alike for being trans. Even so called proggressive people who are often even trans themselves can be complete shit to you for it.

Even worse are my stigmatized mental conditions, one of which I can never disclose anywhere because the misunderstanding of said condition could get me murdered or just turn my life into Hell, so I'd never feel safe anywhere again. It's always the bottom of the barrel anyone ever even considers or cares about.

Yeah, being a gross CSA survivor with OCD and fetishes that connect to those experiences and have helped me heal, marks me as "deserves to die" to so many people I sometimes want to kill myself. I have to protect this pain at all costs and fear how many people who care about me, would love ruining my life if they knew. I'm not hurting anyone with how I cope in my imagination but it doesn't matter because you want to murder me. You want your badge for killing "monsters", and I am the monster.

I have hard time sympathizing with people who are convinced of their own harmlessness based on their identity. Yes, I've had to unpack these brainworms too, like being a person with well developed cognitive empathy making me ableist to people who aren't. etc. Everyone has to put in this work.

But it's these do-gooder-boos who think them being of a feminine gender or an "empath" or "not the gross fetish haver" etc. makes them inherently more ideologically pure and good, so they just consider themselves the victim when they hurt someone with "bad" identities and get any shit back for it. I hate being the one with bad optics here because I can not win if you want to hurt me. People will choose you over me no matter what because my anger is "scary" and the type of trans I am makes it worse.

I've had to accept I can't get justice.

And that no matter what I do or don't do, sometimes people are just going to abuse, bully, ostracize or smear someone. Sometimes that choice am me. I can't do anything about it.

My 12yo facet and former host still hasn't fully come to terms with what this world did to her. I have to carry this child within me and somehow explain to her. It breaks my heart because she is not ready to accept it. Her reaction is desperate anger and disbelief and she isn't happy about who we are today, because she still feels our dreams and life were taken from us. She hates our life and she hates me sometimes. Because I represent existential horror to her, not the dreams she had.

....

My solution is that as long as possible, I must give myself the protection, kindness and dignity no one else can quarantee the way I can.

In a world of barking dogs and bitches who are looking to pick a fight, you just have to know most of those battles are a waste of time.

"Petty justice" isn't worth the effort and brings more bullshit your way because somehow a lot of those barking dogs and bitches with their nippy mouths don't understand that you biting back means they are supposed to shut the fuck up and go fuck themselves.

No, those badly behaved dogs and bitches won't usually understand their own place in that equasion. They go cry about it and bring more and you find, you're in big trouble. The story ends with you taking the blame for "starting shit". Nobody believes you, of course, because everybody thinks Fluffy is so cute and precious.

Fuck Fluffy and Fluffy's friends, but you don't need to let them know you hate them. Just go to your sanctuary, go eat a pigeon on a rooftop to watch the sun rise, and enjoy it with a company that isn't poorly behaved bitches and dogs.

This way you get to have some decent time on this Earth, put away all the fighting and just... Actually thrive and flourish someplace where you can even forget about bullshit.

[katierosedreams2]

The monster energy girl experience 

The Monster Energy Girl Experience! Enter to win a chance to get the dream of a lifetime! The Monster Energy Girls are looking to expand and be more inclusive! Win the chance to be flown out to Southern California to meet with the Monster Energy Girls! They will take you on an all expense paid shopping trip to improve your fit! Learn what it takes to be a monster girl as they take you on an all exclusive, all access pass trough their day getting ready for the opening motorcross event of the season! You’ll get to join them in viewing the event as well as joining them in a party after! But that’s just the beginning! You’ll be assigned mentorship from one of the girls, they will help from dating advice to taxes! They are there to help!....

I hardly read much more, skimming the ad for TMEGE. I saw they were looking for young adults entering college, had a flexible schedule, knew how to ride a motorcycle, was no taller then 5’6” and weighed no more than 110 pounds. You also must already have long hair, at least past the shoulders. I saw I had to submit a photo of myself in the smallest, tightest underwear I owned as well as all my measurements and sizes. I found this odd, but I still couldn’t believe my luck! 

I am just about to graduate high school and got accepted into college in Southern California! I also have no job yet, so there’s my flexible schedule! I learned how to ride a motorcycle when I turned 16. I was hoping it would make me seem more manly. 

That’s something I am quite self conscious about. I’m only 5’5” and I weigh only 98 pounds.  Needless to say, I’m a very skinny guy. I also feel like my body is also very feminine. I have small shoulders, a small waist, and large hips, giving me a perfect hourglass body type. My arms and legs are very skinny, and my whole body is completely hairless. And my butt is super big and perky! And to make things even worse, on my chest I have small “fat lumps” as my doctor calls them. I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SMALL BOOBS! Like an A or B cup! But the worst thing is I have a super small penis. I measured once, 1 inch flaccid. That was it. And my balls are as small as marbles.

The doctor said it was a hormonal imbalance. It is probably caused by my undeveloped testicles and high estrogen levels. He recommended medicine to try and fix it, but when I tried it they gave me awful head aches. I couldn’t even get out of bed! And made my stomach so upset I couldn't keep anything down. So I stopped taking them. The doctor said it might work itself out on its own, someday. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve only looked more and more like a girl with a micro dick. I hid my body as best I could with baggy clothes so the other kids wouldn’t know. But this still affected how I felt about myself and I never got the courage to date any of the girls. But I did get friend zoned by most of them. So much so, they would make me sit with them at lunch and go shopping with them. I’d got dragged to all the girly stores and get asked for my opinion on this skirt or top, or if that shade of makeup looked nice, were these nails too long, stuff like that. 

I never had any male friends, they all acted odd to me. Most were kind of mean, and sometimes I’d find boys just staring at me. At my face, or butt, or even my chest. They had this look like they wanted to eat me, or rip me to pieces. I'm not sure what they were thinking, but that’s the best way I can describe it. When I brought this up to my gal friends they said they had the same thing happen to them. This didn’t make me feel any better about myself. They also would comment on how pretty I was, how I would make a pretty girl. That’s why I grew my hair out, they pressured me into it. It was always on the longer side, but when I started high school, the girls decided I should grow it out, that I’d look better. Well, I wanted to get the girls, so if that’s what they thought looked better, then I would be dumb not to, right?!

Well, it didn’t help me get any girls, instead it just had me get more people who would confuse me as a girl, more then a guy. Even after I’d speak they wouldn’t know. I’d have to tell them I was a boy, to which they would look surprised and apologize. I was constantly humiliated. My mother tried to be supportive, but I never felt happy about my body. She suggested I look for things in Southern California that I could meet some people and maybe get some confidence. That’s how I stumbled on TMEGE! 

Well, like I said, I didn’t read all of the ad, I just read some of the things, and thought that this would be a great way to meet super hot girls that I'd get to party with! And even if I don’t get laid and finally lose my virginity, maybe I’ll get my first blow job or even first kiss! And they could help me meet other pretty girls too! Plus, I’d get to travel around the country, get paid, and be surrounded by beautiful women! So, of course, I registered for the contest. I never expected to hear back though.

Two days after my high school graduation, I got an email saying I was a finalist in the contest and that they would like to have a zoom call with me for a final interview! I couldn’t believe it! I scheduled my interview for later that day. I then spent the rest of the day cleaning my room.

 I was struggling to pick out what to wear. I didn’t have many clothes, most of them really hid my body, which is what I wanted. I picked my usual black briefs. They are a little small on me. Sometimes I feel like they look like panties, but mom said she isn’t made of money and can’t just buy me new underwear just because I don’t like mine. Then I picked a pair of baggy jeans I found thrifting. They fit me great, but I’ve just started to wonder if they are women’s pants. And then I picked a white baggy tee shirt and a brown hoodie. 

I looked in the mirror and saw my hair was a mess. I brushed it and styled it to make it look nice. I was almost out of time, so I couldn’t really change, but I felt like I just looked girly. This didn’t give me much hope for my interview. I sat down in front of my computer, checked how I looked, and waited for the zoom to start. 

Suddenly appeared these two beautiful blond women on my screen. They both looked like women every man would fantasize about. They both had long blond hair with big beautiful curlers. Their makeup done perfectly with dark smokey eye, long lashes, and big pink glossy lips. The kind that most would call dick sucking lips. My little dick started to get hard, a whole half inch more, and not even that hard. You can’t even notice it in my pants. They both had sexy white button-up tops with the top buttons undone to show their cleavage. They looked like secretaries in a porno. And right at the top of their cleavage hung a small necklace with a Monster Energy logo.

“Hi there!” They both spoke in unison with pretty voices. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I cleared my throat and tried to answer back with the same enthusiasm. “Hi there!” I heard my voice back in my headphones and was frightened at just how similar I sounded to them. “I’m Haley!” “And I’m Hollie! We are so excited to talk with you!” They both seemed so cheerful! “I’m so excited to talk with you! Thank you for this interview opportunity! I’ve never had an interview before so I’m a little nervous!” I tried to match their excitement. But I was feeling very nervous. I’m not even talking to these women in person, but they are still the most beautiful women I’ve ever even talked to! I couldn’t believe this was real! 

“Oh that’s ok sweetie! Just be yourself! After all, we are looking for someone who’s personality will fit in with the rest of the girls. So why don’t we just dive right in! First tell us a little bit about yourself, and why you registered to win this contest.” Haley’s bubbly cheerful voice was comforting and encouraged me to open up and be honest. 

“Well, my name is Jaycee and I’m 18 years old. I’ve just graduated high school and I’m going to be attending college in Southern California this fall. I’m going there for a communications degree. I signed up for this contest because I thought it might help me get out of my shell. I’m kinda of a shy person, and I haven’t had many friends, pretty much all of them are girls. They and my mom encouraged me to grow and become my true self when I went off to college. And a mentor ship with such lovely ladies and a chance to travel seemed like a great opportunity for that! Haha, also it said the winner would get a new wardrobe and we aren’t exactly well off, so new clothes would help! Most of mine are from good Will and my underwear is so small that it looks like panties!” I laughed nervously, why the hell did I say that?!

The ladies laughed in return. “Yes, the winner will be going on an all expenses paid shopping trip with all of us monster girls! One of the requirements we have here at Monster is a dress code of its employees. We will make sure you look the part! I’m also glad to see you’ll be going to school. We also require our employees to be educated individuals. We also see that you marked yes when we asked if you already knew how to ride a motorcycle?” Hollie replied with just as much cheerfulness as Haley. It was nice to see they had such high standards.

“Yes, I learned how to ride when I got my license at 16. It is a cheaper way to get around, and like I said, we don’t have a lot of money, so it’s been very helpful!” I smiled, still nervous about taking to such beautiful women. “Oh that’s great to hear! Tell us a little bit more about your social life.” Hollie continued. “Well, like I said, I haven’t exactly been a social butterfly, I’m a bit more of a wall flower. I just get a little nervous. My gal friends have been trying to help me overcome that, but I still feel like I have room for improvement!” I tried to sound positive about my situation. 

“And earlier you stated that all of your friends are girls. Is that correct? Also, what has your dating life been like?” Haley sounded a little less cheerful and a little more serious. I didn’t expect them to dig so much into my personal life. “Yes, that’s correct. Grown up all my friends have been girls. I don’t know why exactly. They just pulled me into their group when I was young, and I have just fit right in. So I never gave it much thought. As for my dating life, well, I'm friends with all the girls, so I have never dated anyone. I just struggled to get the courage to ask, I guess.” I was kind of sad about what I was saying. 

“So you’ve never dated anyone? Boy or girl?” Haley asked with a real questioning tone. “No, no one. I haven’t even kissed someone.” I don’t know why I even added that! This is not going to help my chances, but I felt like I should be honest. I did think it was weird they asked if I'd dated boys, but I didn’t think much of it. “That’s ok!” Haley replied cheerfully, almost excited to hear the news that I was a virgin. “Well Hollie and I are both really excited about your interview so far. However, we do have just one more thing to do. You see, we have a physical standard here at Monster and we need to know our girls can meet that standard. So if you would like to continue, we will need to ask that we see you in just your underwear. Your smallest and tightest is best please.” Her cheerfulness gone, replaced with seriousness. 

Girls? It she must have misspoken. I felt my heart pounding in my chest. This would be the most reviled I’ve ever been to another person and they happen to be the two prettiest girls I’ve ever seen!! “Oh, I understand. I actually happen to be wearing them. Just give me one second please.” My voice shaky. I slowly pushed my chair back and stood up so my whole body was in the frame of the camera. It was weird watching me undress as these two gorgeous women stared at me. They were clearly studying their screens as I removed my shirt.

My two small fat lumps looking even more like small boobs. My small shoulders and rib cage going down to my tiny waist. As I slid my pants down, I reviled my wide hips, completing my hourglass figure. My skinny but shapely legs showing my overall feminine looking body. I felt so nervous and self conscious about my body. My little dick shrunk in my black underwear so much it was hardly even there at all. As I stepped out of my pants I heard “Oh, pretty!” from Hollie. Having female friends my whole life, it wasn’t weird hearing a girl say that to me. I got that stuff all the time. Actually, come to think of it, I’ve only ever been told that I was pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, stuff like that. Even from my own mom.

“Ok, can you slowly turn around for us, pause for like thirty seconds with your back to us, and then slowly turn to face us again.” Haley instructed cheerfully. I was so nervous standing in my room in nothing but my underwear as these beautiful women judged me! I slowly turned as instructed and stopped with my back to my screen. “Wow what a bubble butt!” I heard Hollie comment. “Yeah, most women would kill for your butt sweetie!” Haley added. This didn’t make me feel much better. I slowly turned again facing the girls, hoping it wasn’t obvious how red from embarrassment I was. 

“Aw, just so pretty! You have nothing to be nervous about, hun! You're so cute and small! The girls will love you! I think you’ll fit right in!” Hollie said so sweetly “I agree! Why don’t you get dressed, we are going to mute ourselves and talk real quick.” Added Haley. I was so nervous I was shaking as I put my clothes back on. I sat down and saw them talking and smiling. Then I heard Haley speak. “Jaycee, how would you like to join us monster girls!?” Her excitement was obvious and contagious. I couldn’t believe it!! “Oh wow! Really?!” I was in shock! 

“YES GIRL!” Hollie’s excitement was just as contagious! Haley was excited but focused “Now we are emailing you a contract to sign right now! We’ll get you all sorted out and probably have you out here as soon as you can! Now we’ll supply lodging as well as wardrobe, so you don’t need to pack much of everything! Also, please confirm that your sizes are correct.” She was excited but got right to business. “Now I have a flight for tomorrow evening, would that work for you?” Hollie was a little more serious. “Um, I think so! Sorry I'm still in shock!” I could hardly get out.

“Great! I’ll book it!” Hollie smiled. “Ok Jaycee, it’s sent over, check your email!” Haley seemed so excited. “Oh that’s fast! Yep, I got it!” I checked quickly and briefly read the legal contract. I then typed in my name and hit submit. “Ok I signed it!” I was so excited! “Great! we’ll have you sign the actual documents as soon as you get here! I’ll email your flight info as well as all the other things you need. Welcome to The Monster Energy Girl Experience!” Haley spoke with a huge smile. Her soothing, seductive voice just filled me with excitement! I can’t believe I was going to get to be with these beautiful women!

“Oh wow!! I’m so excited! Thank you so much!” I could hardly contain myself! As soon as we said our goodbyes, I jumped around my room! I was just in shock! I felt like I had been dealt a bad hand in life being so small and girly looking, never dating any girls, and finishing high school still a virgin, but now all of that is going to change! I’m going to get to hang out and sleep with the monster energy girls and their friends for all of college!! I might be the luckiest guy to ever live! 

My mother was excited for me, a little confused as to why exactly they wanted me there. She didn’t understand why the monster girls would want a guy there, but she was happy I was happy. She offered to help me pack, but I knew I didn’t need to bring much. I packed a few changes of clothes, and my toiletries. I wasn’t sure what else I would need. I got an email from The Monster Energy Girls later that evening with complete information on my flight, who will be picking me up, where I’ll be going, and the address I’ll be staying at. 

I looked the place up on Google street view. I couldn’t believe it! It was this large hilltop mansion in NewPort that overlooked the ocean! It was so beautiful! It had a swimming pool and everything! I noticed in the email I was going to be living there with at least 2 hot girls! Wow, two smoking hot babes are going to be my roommates in a huge mansion that I don’t have to pay for!! This really is a dream come true!

I could hardly sleep that night. I laid there, excited to sleep. I was thinking about how beautiful those girls were. I couldn’t believe they were real! As I thought about them my small hand wanders down to my little dick, I was hard, well, as hard as I can get. It never really gets that hard, and only grows about a half inch more. Yep, I’m only a inch and a half at my biggest and hardly even hard. But that embarrassment didn’t stop me that night. I couldn’t believe it, I was going to get to loose my virginity to those girls! 

As I pictured their hair, lips, makeup, the outfits, they were just so sexy! I thought about them getting down on their knees and unbuttoning my pants, pulling down my underwear. Before I could even picture them doing anything more, after just a few seconds of my slim index finger and thumb lightly, hardly, moving up and down my dick, I came, dribbling a few drops of cum onto my tummy. My head exploded with ecstasy! I laid there naked, cum still on my hand and tummy, lightly holding my dick pinched between my two fingers as I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I almost jumped out of bed when my alarm sounded. I was just filled with energy and excitement! I spent the morning getting the final things ready and texted my closest friend, Jessy, that I’d be leaving for Southern California today. She was surprised, and asked why I was leaving so soon. I told her all about the MEGE and sent her a link to the contest. “Oh wow! I’m surprised you applied to this! But I guess you’ve probably always been in your shell, I’m glad that this will be a chance for you to come out and finally be your true self! I’ll have to visit you when I move there near the end of summer! Can’t wait to see the new you girl!” I was so glad to see she was happy for me! Maybe after this my old friends won’t see me as just another girl in the group. Maybe they will finally see me as a guy! 

My mom drove me to the airport, she gave me a big hug and promised to visit before I started school! Also, if I could also send her the link to the contest, just so she could better explain to her friends and co-workers about what it was I’d be doing. I hugged her again and left to get on my flight. Security was easy with only my small carry-on bag of possessions. As I waited for my flight, I sent my mom the link. I also saw a text from an unknown number saying it was from Haley, that she would be waiting for me at the airport with Hollie and Kayla. I was very excited. I told them I was getting on the plane and couldn’t wait to see them!

After boarding, I put my phone on airplane mode, put on some headphones and relaxed for my flight to LAX. I woke up to the flight attendant gently rocking me. “Pardon me mis, but we are about to land, can you please put your chair up?” She spoke cheerfully. I hate to admit it, but I’ve gotten used to being mistaken as a girl, I can’t wait for this to stop! “Sure thing.” I spoke back kindly with a half smile, trying not to show that it still hurts to be mistaken as a girl. “You have such pretty hair! I hated to wake you, you looked just like a princess!” Her compliment intended to make me feel better, but just made it feel worse. “Oh, that’s so kind of you to say. You look beautiful too!” My mother told me not to correct people when they are being nice and to always compliment them in return. Once I get these hot monster girls I bet things will change, I thought.

As soon as we landed and I left the plane, I turned airplane mode off. I got a bunch of texts from my mother, they mostly look like emotional stuff. I also saw the messages from Haley telling me they were there and waiting for me by the baggage claim. I was too excited to meet them to look at what my mom had said. I’ll read it later.

I hurried to the baggage claim and there they were, three of the most beautiful women I had ever seen! They were all wearing different outfits, but all very sexy. Haley had a patent black four inch pump, her long smooth sexy legs hardly covered by a short leather pencil skirt. A white button up blouse, the top buttons undone so you could see her sexy cleavage. Her blouse was sheer enough that you could see her black lace push-up bra underneath. Around her neck and right about her cleavage was a necklace that had the Monster Energy logo on it. Her blond hair was up in a big high bun. She looked like a sexy secretary or librarian. 

Hollie was wearing 6inch platform pumps, her smooth bear legs also looking incredibly long under her short leather circle skirt. She had a white spaghetti strap crop top on that also showed off her great cleavage. Her hair was up in a high pony tail, with her shiny blond hair flowing down in big sexy curls. She too wore the same necklace. Her small, perfectly manicured hands gently holding a sign that said my name “Jaycee” in cute pink letters with hearts and kisses around it. It was pretty girly but I guess these are girly girls! 

Kayla was wearing 4 inch black leather thigh high boots. Showing off a small amount of her smooth legs before getting it to her very small, very tight, black leather shorts. She was also wearing a white crop top with one inch straps, her cleavage was also very visible. Her brown hair she wore down in big sexy curls. She also wore the same necklace and all three women had matching makeup. All had big ,sexy, DSL that were light pink and almost dripping with lip gloss. The kind of lips every guy would fantasize about. They had a dark smokey eye and long fake lashes. Their eyebrows arched to perfection. They were the stuff of fantasies. 

I saw them before they saw me. They made me stop dead in my tracks. My jaw dropped. At first I didn’t even notice it was them, then I saw their necklaces and couldn’t believe these goddesses were the girls I was going to be with! My dick getting as hard as I can, but not even noticeable in my pants. They then spotted me,”Jaycee!!” Hollie exclaimed! All the girls jumping with excitement, their boobs bouncing as they did. They ran over to me, their heels clicking loudly, drawing the attention of everyone near by. Their smiling perfect faces rushed at me as they surrounded me and stared hugging me. Their boobs almost in my face from the height of their heels, my arms wrapping around their tiny waist just above their leather clad butts. For that moment, I was in heaven. My dick hard, and desperate to cum.

“We are so happy to meet you!!” They all told me. “I’m so happy to meet you too! And to be here!” Our excitement hardly contained. “I’m Hollie!” She said with cheerfulness that just made you smile. “She's the flirt!” Kayla added, “It's true, I just can’t help myself!” Hollie said proudly. “I’m Haley, I’m so happy to have you be apart of our team!” Haley spoke with an excited and seductive voice. “She’s the boss.” Kayla added quickly. “I’m Kayla! I’m the fun one!” She laughed. “I’m Jaycee! I’m so excited about this opportunity!” I didn’t even try to hide my excitement. 

“Well, let’s head to the car! We have plenty of time to learn all about each other!” Haley suggested. We started to walk, two girls on my right and one on my left, before I knew it, they put their arms around my waist. I naturally, without thinking, did the same in return. There I had just landed in LA and I was walking out in a row of sexy women, yep, I got so lucky! 

We got into the car and I put my stuff in the back. I sat down with Haley in the back seat while Hollie drove. She pulled out her purse that they had kept in the car some papers and a pen. “Here’s your contract. When your ready, sign here, here, initial there, and then sign here.” She was so sweet. Without reading a thing, I signed it. “Great! You're now apart of the Monster Energy Girls Experience! So, what we are going to do is, we are first going to go to your new home! Hollie and Kayla live there. They all make great roommates, after all your getting my old room! You’ll love it! It’s a beautiful house. I lived there until they promoted me! I now live a short drive away in Huntington, I was able to get my own place.” She spoke so bubbly. 

“Oh that’s great! I can’t believe I’ll have such pretty roommates!” I just felt like everything just kept getting better! We talked and talked as we slowly made our way in the traffic. The girls were so sweet, cheerful, funny, smart, and sexy! It felt like a dream. 

Arriving at the house, I was even more surprised. It was even bigger and nicer than I thought. It was two stories, had modern architecture and had a huge garage for 8 cars! The front door was massive and it looked straight at the back wall, which was completely made of glass! It had a beautiful view of the ocean in the distance. The large living room was very simple and nicely decorated. A large L-shaped white leather couch, a small glass coffee table under a huge TV. It opened up further to a large space with a pool table by the back wall. The wall on your right was simple with glass stairs leading up to the second story. The kitchen was also large and very open. With the large dinning table in a very open space near the back wall.

The huge back glass wall was incredible, and had two glass doors, one on each side. There was a large fire pit, a BBQ, lots of lounge chairs, a large pool and a hot tub! As well as a in-ground trampoline on one side and a small patch of grass on the other. 

Heading up the glass stairs were six bedrooms! Even though only three of us living there. One was a girl who had just left Monster and the other two were guest rooms. Each very large, all with their own bathrooms with both a shower and separate bath! The walk in closets were huge! You could put hundreds of clothes and shoes in them! The four back rooms were all identical in layout and shared the same, full size, all glass wall as the downstairs! Each with its own door opening to a full-length balcony with some lounge chairs. This doesn’t leave much of any privacy for someone in their room and someone on the balcony, they can just walk right by and look in. But it does at least give you some privacy from most of the backyard below. 

The two guest rooms were in the front, each slightly smaller than the four in the back. There was also a small common space between them that also had a small TV as well as a small couch. The whole building was stunning, lightly decorated, and overall screamed wealth. It was beautiful. My room was the second to last room. I could hardly breathe as they took me through the house, and when they showed me my room I thought I might faint! This had all been so overwhelming! 

Entering my room, you walked down a small hallway and saw a huge bed off to the right, two small night stands on each side. A desk with a computer on it was on the other side, with a large TV above it. The bathroom and closet door were next to each other on the front wall, to your right, after the hallway. 

“Wow, I just can’t believe this is real!” I could hardly contain myself. This dream only kept getting better! “Isn’t it lovely?” Hollie spoke softly. “This was my old room. The sunsets are so stunning from here!” Haley said proudly. “I can’t wait to see it!” I really couldn’t believe this was happening to me! “And these beds are big enough for a few people!” Hollie said with a little wink in her eye. “It’s true! But Hollie would know all about that! She often has more than one boy toy over at a time!” Kayla laughed playfully. Hollie smiled and said, “Dont even act like I’m the only one that does that, Kayla!” looking at me and laughing, “We’ve all done it, at least a few times!”

“Don’t worry, the walls are pretty much sound proof.” Haley winked at me. “That way you won’t have to worry about being too loud when you have some people over!” She smiled flirtously. I can’t believe it! I get to live in this beautiful house with these beautiful, sexy, slutty girls! I’m going to get to fuck them so much!! I just blushed at her response and was glad my baggy pants made it so you couldn’t tell I was getting hard. 

Haley smiled, she could tell I was shy about that. After all, they knew I was a virgin. “So tonight we are going to take it easy, we have a big day for you tomorrow. I’m going to leave, and the girls will give you time to unpack what little you have, and familiarize yourself with the place. Then they will order whatever you’d like for dinner and just eat here and chill. I’ll be working out later with some of the other girls. If you’d like to join, just text me. How we look is an important part of our job, so exercise is an important part of our job too! We don’t care when you do it, just that you do. Tomorrow we will all meet up early, around 8 or so. You’ll get to meet most of everyone else then. Then it’s a long day of unpacking what clothes we have already got for you as well as some of your uniforms. Then we’ll all go to the salon, mani petit, some shopping to get more clothes and whatever else, and then dinner with some of the riders, executives, people like that. How does that sound? If you have any questions you can ask Hollie.” She spoke with such excitement!

“Wow, sounds like a busy but fun day! That sounds great! I ran track in high school, so I don’t mind exercise! This has all just been so incredible! Thank you so much! I feel like this is a fairytale! Like I’m a..” I paused for a second to think. “Princesses!? right!? I just can’t believe it either!” Hollie cheerfully added. I didn’t want to be rude, so I just agreed with her. After that, all the ladies left my room. 

I took my time to explore it, the bed was super comfortable. The computer looked nice and new, so did the TV. I walked into the closet. There must have been at least two hundred hangers! As you walked in there were drawers on the whole right wall, then lots of hanging space along the rest. Most had a top and bottom rack in the middle of the wall, so you could hang twice as much, but then there were some sections that took up both spaces for things like long coats, or I guess, since this was for ladies', long dresses too. Not that I would hang any of those. And then at the other side was a full-length mirror. All round the bottom, top, and with columns throughout were cubbies to put shoes in, enough for what looked like 50 shoes at least! I couldn’t believe it! I had the one pair on my feet. I had a few tee shirts, one extra hoody in addition to the one I was wearing. Two other pairs of pants, five pairs of socks and briefs. That was it. After putting them away, they took up so little room that the closet looked even bigger. My guess as to how many clothes this holds might be even more! Well it’s great that I don’t have to pay for any more clothes! I did notice in the back there were some very girly luggage and hand bags. Some of them had the Monster logo. I guess they were provided by Monster to the girls and Haley left them. Some were just normal, cute-looking purses. I’ll tell Haley about it tomorrow.

After I got unpacked, I met up with Hollie and Kayla to talk about what they wanted for dinner. We decided to have tacos delivered. As we sat on the couch watching the bachelor, eating and talking, I felt like I was with my old friends. Except, these girls are much prettier, and the view out the window is incredible. The girls were telling me all about themselves and the other girls. They kept saying they were so glad I was one of them now, and that I’d fit right in with the girls. And then Hollie said that I’m going to make such a great Monster Girl, I was a little confused, but she must have just misspoke.  

After dinner, we watched the show a little bit longer and gossiped some more. Then Haley texted that she was coming to pick us up to work out. I realized that I didn’t have any workout clothes. Both girls were so nice and offered to wear something they had, and that tomorrow we’ll make sure to pick me up my own. I didn’t really want to cross dress in front of these hot girls. I was hesitant and trying to be polite, but they were very insistent. Both girls dragged me up to the common area and left into their rooms and brought out several options. Leggings, crop tops, shorts, long sleeve tops, shoes, and sports bras even! 

They must just be playing around. They also really seemed like they wanted me to join them to work out. I didn’t want to disappoint them, but I also didn’t want to wear girls' clothes either! I’m self-conscious about my body looking girly enough. The last thing I need to do is dress like a girl too! I picked a white “baggy” long sleeve top, black “baggy” running shorts, and a pair of white running shoes with pink accents. I wasn’t even sure if it was going to fit me! I took them and told the girls I’d go try them on and left for my room. 

I laid them out on the bed. They looked like a super cute, trendy, girly work-out clothes. Maybe it won’t actually look that way on me I thought. I took off my clothes, folded them neatly and put them in the closet. I slipped the long sleeve on over my head. The sleeves didn’t make it all the way to my wrists, they stopped about 2 inches shy. They showed off just how small and dainty my hands are. The sleeves weren’t skin tight, but they were tighter than I thought they would be. As I pulled it over my head and pulled my long hair out of it, I felt my stomach was still kind of cold. I looked down. Great, it’s a cropped top. And because it was kind of loose, my fat lumps on my chest made it look like I had small breasts and the shirt hung away from my body.

I just hope the shorts were better. I slid them up my legs. I wish I had body hair so my legs looked manly! The shorts were snug on my hips and butt and gave me a small wedge. The waist band hugged my waist perfectly, they fit like a glove. They flared out a little bit at the bottom so you couldn’t even tell I had a penis under them. It showed off my hourglass figure. I put on my white no-show socks and put on the shoes. They fit perfectly. I was scared to look in the full-length mirror by the hall leading into my room. OH MY GOD!! I look exactly like a chick! There is no way I can let the sexy girls see me like this!! 

“Come on Jaycee! Let’s go! Wow, you look so cute!! I’m so glad my clothes fit you so well! Come on!” both girls barged into my room. I jumped as the door flew open, and just froze there as they spoke, clearly rushed to leave. They started off leveling me just standing there. I felt so humiliated. I didn’t want them to see me. I guess it is too late now. “COME ON!” Yelled Kayla from outside the door. I just grabbed my phone and wallet and ran. I can’t believe this is happening to me! Maybe I can still play this off. 

I hurried into the waiting car full of gorgeous women. Haley, Hollie, and Kayla looking stunning in their workout clothes. I got in the back and the car started off. “You look so cute! I’m so glad our stuff fits you! Here I grabbed you a jacket just incase you get cold after. We’re going to grab these great protein smoothies!” Kayla handed me her cropped leather jacket. I put it on my lap, trying to hide my girly legs. 

We arrived at the gym and Haley told us that the other girls weren’t going to be able to make it tonight. I was so relieved that none of the other girls were going to see me this way! Our workout was pretty normal, we worked glutes, than core, then I ran a few miles on the treadmill. It was pretty normal and the girls were mostly focused on the workouts. Afterwards, we left to go get this great protein shake. It was so good, and Kayla was right, I was a little cold. I just slipped her jacket over my shoulders, but didn’t put my arms through the sleeves. As we stood there waiting for our drinks, this tall, good looking guy got his drinks, turned around, looked right at me and said as he walked past “Sup baby girl, you lookin fine.” I just froze like a deer in head lights.

I was so embarrassed, I can’t believe this guy thought I was a girl! This is not going to help me sleep with these girls! The girls, of course, thought it was so funny, with teasing “oo he likes you!” and winks. So embarrassing! That’s the same stuff the girls back home would do. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, just hoping they would forget about it, and that we could go back to the house and I could get out of these girls' clothes!

Fortunately, as soon as we got our drinks we left, and I felt some relief as I got into my room and out of those clothes! I put them nicely folded on the sink in the bathroom, and started the shower. I put my hair up in a bun and got in. It was warm and soothing and seemed to melt the stress of the last few hours. Of course, the only soaps there were obviously for girls. I picked the least feminine one I could, toasted vanilla. Still pretty girly. I got out, wrapped the towel around me, and walked to my closet for my pajamas. I looked at the huge empty closet, something seemed like it was missing. OH MY GOD, MY CLOTHES!!! They were gone! They were all gone!! HOW!?!

I was about to run out of my room, and saw my body in the mirror with just the towel around my waist and felt like I didn’t look good. My little fat lumps on my chest looked too much like boobs for my liking and I rewarped the towel around my chest, just like a girl would do. I rushed out the hall and down to Hollie's room. I knocked lightly on the door, hopping not to make a scene. She opened her door wearing this lacy sheer night gown and seemed a little confused to see me standing there in a towel. In another sercomstanc this would have been the beginning of a fantasy for me. 

“Is everything ok Jaycee?” A little bit of concern in her voice, she could see on my face I was panicked. “MY CLOTHES! THERE MISSING!” I was almost yelling, I could believe what was happened. “What? That’s odd.” Hollie spoke as she walked past me to my room to see for herself. I followed her to double check I hadn’t imagined it. We both looked in the closet, seeing no trace of my clothes. Hollie checked the hamper, empty. 

“OK, let me tell Haley. But first let me get you something to wear, sweetie.” She headed off to her room, her short sheer nightgown hardly covering the bottom of her butt, not that it mattered because you could see her panties through the gown. I sat on my bed, confused as to what was happening to me. A short while later, Hollie arrived. In her hands were a small thing of clothes and her phone in the other. “Here go put this on, I texted Haley. We’ll see what she thinks.” She seemed helpful and confident we could figure it out. I took the clothes and walked into the bathroom.

“Hey, do you mind if I use your TV while we wait? I was right in the middle of my show.” I heard her speak from the other room. “Sure!” I thoughtlessly replied. I was too worried about wearing what she brought me. In my hands were black lace panties, and a black sheer and lacy nightgown, similar to what she was wearing. “I hope you don’t mind what I got for you! I don’t wear many plane clothes, it’s easier to always look hot if that’s all you own!” Hollie yelled over the sound of the TV from the other room. My heart sank. Not more girly stuff. At least just she’ll see me in this obvious woman’s lingerie. I sighed and put it on. Looking in the mirror didn’t make me feel any better, there wasn’t a single masculine thing about myself. I looked so much like a girl in a sexy nighty and no make up, I even could trick myself! My small bump in my panties not even noticeable through the sheer flowy nighty. 

I had to leave some time. I finally walked out expecting to be laughed at, but she hardly even looked over at me, her attention on her show. “That fits you great!” She commented nicely. Before looking back at her show, she was laying on my bed, relaxing, I guess it wasn’t her clothes missing. I sat on the edge of the bed nervously waiting for Haley’s text. Finally When her phone went off I almost jumped to see the reply...

Katierosedreams OG Cap

[titanicfreija]

Ghost Chatter

(Got long, sorry.)

"Does anyone else hate it when their guardian gets disintegrated or am I the only one that finds total reconstruction a pain in the shell?"

Harmony, ghost to a Shadebinder, wearing her favorite egg-shaped shell, hovered in a nook created by decorative architecture, rain, and pigeons. With her hovered two other ghosts, one in a bright Dawning shell and the other in a simpler crucible shell shaded red.

"Better than trying to heal a corpse that's still being shot at," sighed Sunny. "Or trying to break her down myself, also while still in crossfire. It's not like I'm easy to shoot but honestly."

"I know what you mean," agreed the third one named This One. "I mean, they don't try and shoot me, but a lot of them aren't paying attention to me at all and don't care if they do. The relocation is actually part of the job, though, I've got locations I'm designated."

"Ugh, I actually don't like that," Sunny complained.

"Why not?" asked This One. "I do, way better than being on the field and having to hope for the best so often."

"I like the sense of strategy, putting her where I think will be best," Harmony hummed. "We've never gone into the Crucible, though."

"I like it better than field work," This One declared. "Field work is the worst. So many threats, so many monsters, and that's before you introduce wildlife on Earth."

Sunny stretched and waved her petals passively. "Freija and I prefer to be adjacent without being in the middle of things, let us reload and regroup before we jump back in, but Shaxx and the other handlers make us go to the other end of the field. Field, it's up to me."

Harmony bobbed in the air enthusiastically. "Speaking of field-rezzing-- Do you have to fight yours about going out of bounds, too? Kelly is always trying to go out of bounds. I've said I'll go as far as she does, but she just will not be satisfied. So I'll put her on the furthest point she's reached and let her jump around 'til she's satisfied with enough impact landings. She goes everywhere, trying to squirm into ruins and wreckages, she's convinced she'll find something golden age if she keeps looking."

Sunny flapped her petals lightly. "The Dreaming City, sometimes, she'll get determined to make a jump. It's only boring, my job is to just sit on a rock and either catch her with her ship or transmat her back up when I feel her die again. The view's a good trade-off, though, I can sit and watch those clouds for days."

"Ooh, I've never been," This One said. "Maybe I can get Marco to take me. Ever wondered if they're the same person when you use new material?"

Sunny and Harmony reeled and stretched with surprise. "The person is what I'm bringing back, the body is just that," Sunny declared firmly.

"I did, but I wonder the same thing about transmatting," admitted Harmony.

"You guys are weird, don't get so wrapped up in the physical," Sunny insisted.

"Life and Death are weird, too," pointed out Harmony. "Especially the way we mess with it. Old as Kelly is, we've been through a lot, but it's still strange to me, the way other people really do just go away forever. And that at one point, Kelly was just as gone. Obviously, I met her well after she'd already been through a lifetime, but she feels new to me now."

"I always considered it more like Marco is who this new life has become, the person they were still is just as dead as they were when we put meat back on their bones," This One volunteered. "Meeting Crow and knowing Uldren, I'm pretty settled on that. I don't know who Marco was before I brought him back, but he is Marco now, wearing a tattoo and scar from a life not his own."

"How does that work?" asked Harmony. "Both of yours have tattoos, but Kelly was-- well, for lack of a better word, blank. I didn't feel like I should have put anything on her, but I wonder sometimes if I just didn't pick up something you guys did."

"I think we build them from the most recent imprint they leave on themselves?" suggested Sunny. "And if that idea has tattoos, then they keep the tattoo, and if not, it doesn't?"

"I was just going by feel, too," agreed This One. "Did you feel anything different? Does yours need more thinking?"

"I don't need to think about it any more than a human needs to think about walking, but I still want to know the mechanics," she complained. "A human couldn't walk without feet and doesn't even know how many bones are in them, let alone the actual molecular structure or how arches work."

"I didn't mean to insult," This One laughed. "I wonder where we get them, too. How Glint made Crow out of Uldren, so to speak. Was Uldren always that gentle and made rough and arrogant by his lifetime, transformed by his early life this time?"

"That was my guess," Sunny said, flapping her petals in a 'shrug'. "Freija doesn't give much thought to her previous self, but Thomas--her roommate-- is always on about it. I don't like thinking about it, if I'm honest, it feels like if I made a new one and they wouldn't like their old version, or vice versa, it would be my fault."

The other two ghosts grew still as they examined Sunny, before This one flapped quickly. "Oh, you're roommate to that mean-ass one who's mad at his guardian! The one who thinks he's the wrong class!"

"You know Rex?" laughed Sunny. "If there was any settling my doubt on picking the right one, Rex is it. Listening to him go on and on about how much he wishes he'd picked someone else, it'll settle every little squibble I've ever had with Freija, and she'll feel like my soulmate before he's done. I almost wish he'd go pick someone else."

"I'm not talking directly to you about your current guardians--" Harmony started, and the other two braced themselves, pulling shells closed. "But would you ever pick a new one?"

Sunny rocked and twisted, flaps flying in a tight circle and closing in again. "I can't even imagine how you can say those words," she said. "It makes me sick. Like, if I could throw up, I'm pretty sure this is the feeling they call nausea. I might after I was alone long enough again, especially now that I've found one and kept her-- but I went over a thousand years without her. I'd rather do it again than pick a new one."

"I've thought about it," hummed This One. "I've had Marco for a lot longer than you've had Freija, though, I've had a lot more close calls, had to think about it a few times. I think I could, but not for a long time."

"I don't think I could," Harmony said. "I'd keep trying to rebuild Kelly with new bones."

"Would that happen? You think?" Sunny asked. "That's a really weird thought, actually, trying to put Freija's meat on new bones. It feels like I'd want to rebuild what was originally there."

Harmony nodded by rocking back and forth, then spun to look up. "Kelly's up. I'm gonna go check on her. We've been busy, it's been taking a toll."

"Is that why you're in such a weird mood?" teased Sunny. "You had us on philosophy all night."

"I guess," Harmony said as she took off. "See you!"

"You accept too much as just as it is," chuckled This One. "When was the last time you considered a Final Death for your guardian but not you?"

"When I woke her up, it popped in that it might happen, and I was sorry for everyone else that it happened to," Sunny declared. "Probably how I got through a thousand years without a guardian. You picked yours early. Did they call you or did you just pick one?"

"He picked him, but I picked him because he felt right," This One said with a whirling "shrug". "Thank Freija for helping him out, by the way."

"She wasn't even that good in that match," laughed Sunny. "We've done so much better."

"Yeah, but he needed the points, and she's a good ally just for the barricade."

"Yeah? That's good. I'll see you again soon, no doubt, she's been a special kind of squirrelly since the vex whooped us like they did," she giggled.

"Oof, the vex. No thank you, I'd rather fight guardians. At least a guardian'll just shotgun your head. Damn wyverns."

"Murder chickens!" laughed Sunny. "Blasts us right into the wall, I've had to reinflate broken ribs more than a few times."

"Ugh, yes, that, no thank you," agreed This One.

[darkshrimpemotions]

Okay, so check-in on where I am with each character thus far because I'm pretty sure I've reached the point in the season when things go off the rails (was anything in this show even on the rails?).

Betty - She's probably one of my favorite characters this season. She learned a hard lesson early on with the Black Hood manipulating her fear and need for justice and answers the way he did. Since then, she's basically become an honorary member of the Serpent family, and has a much better understanding of how many shades of gray the world really operates on. Unfortunately, her desire to help those she loves and her desire to do the right thing are often in conflict, and I'm very worried that inviting Chic into her life will prove to be more damaging than she ever imagined.

Veronica - I'm...frustrated with Veronica. It's rough because it isn't clear how much about her family's business she really knows, how much she guesses, and how much she chooses to ignore. They claimed they told her everything, but I seriously doubt that's true. But at the very least, I know in season one she was confronted almost daily with the cost of her family's wealth in the form of people they had exploited to gain that wealth. She knows that the money comes with a list of victims, if not an outright body count. So I'm frustrated that the righteous and rebellious Veronica of season one has given way to a girl who is seemingly content to stick her head in the sand. But I'm trying to remember that these kids are all 15, 16 at most and dealing with things no kid their age should have to.

Jughead - I'll be honest, I expected to find this character absolutely insufferable. But I just feel really sad for him. He's never had any illusions that Riverdale is a safe or happy town. His life has just been really rough, and on any given day he's trying to balance ten different things, it seems. I cringe a little at the battles he chooses and choices he makes sometimes, but again. As insightful as he can be, he's still a kid making mistakes that make sense given his limited perspective and life experience. Whereas characters like Betty and Archie are just waking up to all the injustice in the town, Jughead is slowly and painfully waking up to the fact that those injustices can't necessarily be fixed just by making a stand and shining a light on the truth. And that's heartbreaking to watch him go through.

Archie - Archie is normally the kind of character I like the least. The person who is so sure they're right but insecure that they do untold damage in their quest to prove it. But this season, Archie has been forced out from under his own halo in ways that intrigue and dismay me in equal measure. I understand why he wants to focus on loving and protecting Veronica, and let that guide his moral compass. It's so much simpler to worry about how your actions affect one single person. I'm worried, though, that Archie's going to hate himself when he realizes everything he's been party to.

The Parents - Every single parent has frustrated me at one point or another, but who's the worst has massively changed since season one. Back then, I thought Alice and Hal were monsters. I thought Fred was doing his best most of the time. I thought the same about Hermione. And I thought FP was trying, but unlikely to ever succeed without support he was never gonna get in Riverdale. Now, jury's still out on Hal. He's top of my list of suspects when it comes to the true identity of the Black Hood. And he's generally the least toxic to Betty when he's absent from her life entirely. Alice has had some great moments this season, but I worry that her determination to pretend everything's fine when it isn't is going to kill Betty slowly. Fred is still doing his best, though he's been notably absent this season except when someone uses him to manipulate Archie. Archie's mom was fun and I hope we see more of her. FP is somehow the most stable parent these kids have got aside from Fred this season. He's trying so hard, though I worry about his temper and how being back in the Serpents will affect his sobriety and his relationship with Jughead. He's trying so hard, though, and it's killing me to watch him do that in a town that's never going to let him succeed. Hermione and Hiram are something of an enigma to me. I think they're both dangerous, but whereas for Hiram I think that's tempered by love for his daughter, the way Hermione's acting this season I don't think there's anything or anyone she wouldn't sacrifice to hold onto power. She's giving Queen Dagmar in a big way. Which is wild because last season she seemed so fragile.

Others - Cheryl is having a sapphic awakening, and good for her. She was put through the wringer last season, and her entire life up to this point it seems, but she's hanging on and I'm rooting for her. Toni is a great character I want to see more of. Reggie is a problem always except when he's not but even then kinda, his jock sensibilities get in the way of his better nature too damn often. Kevin is breaking my heart almost constantly, I just want him to get his sweet high school romance! Josie is under so much pressure all the time, I really hope she's okay this season. Chic is possibly the literal devil, or possibly just an epic case of hurt people hurt people; I haven't decided yet. Cheryl's mom is actively campaigning for Riverdale's Worst Mom this season, much like last season. The mayor and the sheriff dating seems unnecessary in an already crowded season, but we'll see where it goes?

I know I've left out a lot of characters because my god, this show has so many. But those are the ones that are top of mind right now. Once more into the breach!

[ellyellipsis]

Please be very braced for incredibly serious topics if you wish to read this.

I don't particularly mind who continues past this point, but do keep in mind that this one is just for me.

It really, truly, is just for me.

But I want to be able to say that I said it.

As close to aloud as I possibly can.

Consider this my formal statement that I am going to return to the act of writing for my own self-interest. No more cornering myself with expectations; I miss the me that wrote entire novels. Whole fucking book series. The me that put decades of work into worlds no one ever got to see.

... I'm not saying I never want anything I make to see the light of day, but I miss who I was. I burned it all. Most of that time is in the void now, with only scraps to remind me of ideas that used to get me out of bed in the morning. They were, after all, vestiges of who I used to be; a very hurt, very manipulated child that had a lot of growing up to do.

And that's who I lost touch with. That's who I abandoned, somewhere on the road between here and there. In many ways, who I am now feels like the escapee- the last little inch of undamaged soul rocketing forward out of a rotten vessel.

I owe it to who I was to go back. I always feared it. I never wanted to inspect the wreckage, or the remains, but... they're my origin.

They were my home once.

I always want to tell the stories. Every fucking time I think about them I wanna talk about it, and it feels fake on my tongue. "It happened to someone else," I say, but so what? Does it mean anything that shit happened to someone else? Does it validate how I was treated in anyway that I can simply distance myself from it all?

I always thought when I got older, I'd understand why it all happened. I don't think I ever will. I'm almost thirty now. She was older than that when she was grooming a thirteen year old. Somehow, no one saw any issue with that; somehow the kid was the perpetrator, the monster, the weird creep that obviously wasn't being told "but I love you so it's okay" from a deranged fucking degenerate.

They were older than me, even now, when they harassed a thirteen year old for the crimes of their abuser. They were older than that when they said the kid deserved it. Some friends used doxxing, some of them had the decency to mail in a simple "kill yourself."

I never knew the depths of the lies. I wonder about it sometimes. How do you get an entire warband of adults rallied against a child? An abuse victim, no less? How utterly slimey do you have to be to convince a group that, no guys, it's actually the pedophile's victim that's the bad one here?

It took me years- years to realize I didn't just have a "bad ex." I was used, I was stolen from, I was raped.

And the worst part is the pattern isn't just for the perpetrator; it's for the victim too. I spent so long wandering between manipulative users actually thoroughly convinced that that was how it was supposed to work. Time after time I gave everything I had to people who had utterly no fucking business taking it.

Even a close friend for the last decade; I look back upon them and realize they were so incredibly artfully chosen. I managed to find someone who could tell me exactly what to do, who to be, and whip me into the form they expected just the way she did. Because that's exactly how I was trained to be.

So every single time I channeled my pain into my art. I made people- I made worlds- I wrote about the setting sun upon dead worlds. I scripted the end times and I killed heroes. I pretended I was someone else, somewhere else. The only language I truly understood was the abyss where feelings went to die. Writing was my coping mechanism.

Every word I ever put together was born from trauma. It was one of my - that is, the real me's - first acts to absolutely salt the earth with it. Burned to a crisp, shredded the ashes, and cast to the wind.

I thought it was better that way. I didn't want to be burdened with scars even if they were beautiful. I decided there wasn't poetry in my pain.

But what I'm coming to realize is disassociation only gets you so far.

And if you lose touch with who you were, you can never truly be who you want to be.

I'm sorry, in other words, that I abandoned it all. That I abandoned who I was because people had left so many dents in it that I didn't want it anymore.

Because I'm here at the wreckage now, and I see it clearly for the first time. I see the remains of who I left behind. Someone who only wanted to care, to feel love, to make art and bring joy. Someone who was sincere, and decent, and never became anything like those who'd hurt them.

And I'm ashamed, truthfully, I'm fucking ashamed that it's taken me this long. Their last act of kindness was to get me to safety and the way I've repaid it is to forget everything about them and pretend we were strangers.

I thought ignoring old hurt would make it go away, but it just makes you vile and trigger happy. Accepting that I'm still the same person I ever was doesn't mean they won. It doesn't make me a product of how they treated me, or what I went through.

I'm through hating the remains. I'm done loathing reminders. I want to accept myself, in total, and try to move on from the things that turned me so staunchly away from the image I had of myself.

I'm so much stronger than I ever was before, and the greatest shame is that I can't go back and protect anyone. Every single day I think about how I'd give anything to just have five seconds in the past to say that it's going to be okay, and you're not the monster they're trying to turn you into.

But most of all I want to tell myself to keep writing. Not for anyone else's sake. Write on your good days. Write on your bad days. Write because you love, not because you hate.

You spent so long believing that you'd just burn up and leave beautiful remains like a star going supernova, but the truth is more mundane than that. You're going to live a second life, and when you get there you're going to wish that you packed more before you left.

I'm here to pick up every last scrap I left, and that includes my talent. I might be a cheesy writer - the bullshit floral language of this open letter should speak to that - but I'm a damn good cheesy writer. I love that about who I was. I love that about who I am now.

I am a beautiful, capable woman, and I want to be a writer again. If they couldn't break me, it means that I am fucking unbreakable.

None of them deserved what they took from me.

I am taking it back.

I hope you're alone and miserable, Heidi. I am more than what you did to me. I've always been more.

[ink-flavored]

💘💙 💞

thank you!!

💘 List 3 traits you admire in one of your OCs (preferably ones that you’d like to emulate in your own life).

Okay, I know Pride is a demon and a murderer and literally sided with Lucifer and makes people hate each other for fun, but he DOES have good qualities. Sometimes.

In the process of his development, Pride has ended up having a lot of traits I wish I had. The very sin he's named for is where a lot of it comes from, funnily enough. He doesn't give a fuck about laws or conventions, breaking rules out of spite and not caring what other people think. He is whatever the exact opposite of a perfectionist is, doing the bare minimum and going "I'm the best and I deserve a medal" -- which isn't always a good thing, but man I wish I had the capacity to do that a lot more often. And even though a lot of the time he is defending himself from things that are not attacks, Pride fights back when he's feels like he's been wronged, unabashedly and without guilt-- I am slowly learning to do this but whew!

💙 Which of your OCs would be your best friend (if they were to exist in real life)? Which would be your worst enemy?

I want to be best friends with Hayden because he has 5 baby dragons and that sounds like my dream life. I would absolutely pet-sit those babies, literally whenever. Plus, he's a nice guy, he's cheerful in spite of adversity, and is generally fun to be around.

I don't know if I'd say "worst enemy" but Park does not want to talk about anything other than baseball and I really. really. do not like sports. Sorry dude.

💞 List 3 tropes that you feature in your WIPs and explain why they’re important to you as a person.

Opposites Attract/Unlikely Friends

I only noticed this one recently, but I really enjoy writing characters that, by all rights, should not like each other, but are actually in love and/or best friends. I just think this trope is fun to write tbh! Concocting two people who shouldn't get along and then having to analyze their characters enough to find something they connect on, and build their relationship out from that one thing, and they change each other's perspective on thew way... it is so so enriching for me. I love it.

2. Redemption/People Can Change

This one is really important to me, and it's always done on purpose. I believe that people can change for the better (or worse, but usually I'm writing it "for better"), no matter how many bad things they've done. Sure, it doesn't erase the harm they might have caused, but anyone can realize their behavior is hurting people and stop doing it. And they can be a good person. I think it's really important to tell those stories, especially in such a polarizing time and the rise of internet "if you've done anything bad ever in your life we are allowed to drag you through the mud for it" culture.

3. Monster/"Evil" Creature Getting Soft Unconditional Love

Being told over and over that you are wrong, monstrous, ugly, disgusting, etc. until you start believing it, then one day someone comes along and goes No, Actually, I Love All Of You, No Exceptions? Gets me every time.

BONUS TROPE: Oblivious Mutual Pining

I write this a lot and it is because I think it's funny. And also because there are a lot of times in life that we (proverbial "we") assume that the people in our lives couldn't possibly like and/or love us the same way we do, so we corral our feelings so we don't come across as "too much" or desperate for attention, or whathaveyou. But like... the world would be a much happier, brighter place, full of a lot more love and a lot less misunderstanding if people were simply honest with each other. And seeing the two idiots get together and love each other honestly is, I think, a genuine reflection of that.

We can laugh at "haha the idiots love each other but can't tell even when it's so obvious" but there's a reason it resonates with so many people. It's yearning for something we wish we were brave enough to do.

[send me an "up close and personal" ask]