#it's not even like extravagance

[shortnotsweet]

[ “SOMEBODY TOLD ME”]:

BREAKING MY BACK JUST TO KNOW YOUR NAME. SEVENTEEN TRACKS AND I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS GAME. A BREAKIN’ MY BACK JUST TO KNOW YOUR NAME—BUT HEAVEN AIN’T CLOSE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

— The Killers, Hot Fuss (2004)

Princess Rhaenyra’s insolence is wearing her stepmother’s patience thin. Queen Alicent is not ten years her senior, but even during her own sixteenth year, she cannot recall herself behaving so brazenly. She would never burst into courtly discussions in nothing but gilded armor and the underskirts of her riding leathers, awash in blood. (She would never be spotted in blood that was not her own, anyway. Alicent has never picked up a sword, not one that belonged to her.) Nevermind that Rhaenyra is attending to diplomatic affairs with bared teeth and scales, no—the crux of the matter is just that, her affairs. Rhaenyra is the Realm’s Delight, a beauty incomparable to any fair maiden, Alicent included. She indulges herself with appetite of a spoiled child, the confidence of man, and the pickings befitting only to her royal blood. Criston Cole. Daemon Targaryen. Harwin Strong. Laena Velaryon. She’s full of love, isn’t she? That selfish, foolish girl. What does Rhaenyra Targaryen know of love, of duty? She is a child in so many ways—she thinks killing makes her a man, thinks the throne is hers despite being a woman, thinks she can have her knight and her uncle and her protector and Laena Velaryon in one fail swoop. She’s wrong. She doesn’t know herself half as well as Alicent does. Alicent, who sees her for what she truly is, who wants to see all of her and more of her and none of her. Alicent has been stolen into the Keep by her own father—both of their fathers—but Rhaenyra is the key to this place, is the window to everything barred. Rhaenyra Targaryen has a dragon. Rhaenyra can fly.

That’s what Rhaenyra had promised her once, with her lips pulled back in a grin, exposing the white of her teeth like the violently radiant creature she was. “Perhaps when you grow tired of plotting against me, we shall ride on dragonback together,” she had said. The tease.

Alicent had yanked her into an empty corridor by the silk of her sleeve, ready to chastise her for her ill behavior. Conversing with the lords and ladies of the court at a feast was one thing, but chattering about her bloody encounters in battle over the pudding tureen were another. The lord at her elbow was going green. Alicent’s own face was likely red; her heart raced whenever Rhaenyra got like this. Alicent had never seen the battlefield—only seen battered men in dented armor and the slumps of corpses lined along dirt roads in the aftermath of war—but her own imagination terrified her like nothing else.

(Rhaenyra is better with a sword than half of the knights in Westeros, and more lovely than the lot. Her reign has not yet begun, but already the commoners flock to her—lured in by tales of her beauty and fine hair—and soldiers would follow her into battle. Alicent would not follow, but she would watch and bite her nails down to the quick.

She thinks of the figure Rhaenyra cuts in full armor, the heat in her gaze underneath the slots of her helmet. Alicent remembers the weight of her own hand in Rhaenyra’s—which was gloved—when the princess rode up to the spectators box and grasped it in her own, bringing Alicent’s knuckles to her lips. She thinks of Rhaenyra murdered in the sky, skewered with another man’s sword, plummeting to the ground, torn in half, streaking crimson across the clouds. Alicent would scream, or cry. She might laugh. She would throw herself from the window of her tower. Rhaenyra’s bloody exploits terrified Alicent for reasons she could not identify, and excited her for reasons she refused to.)

“I’d sooner be confined to the castle for the rest of my days than get on the back of that bloody lizard,” Alicent scoffed. Rhaenyra only tucked her hand over Alicent’s, where it was resting on her forearm. She flexed her fingers, moving to release her grip on the dark fabric, but Rhaenyra intertwined their fingers and held them fast.

“You’re confined already. You are already accustomed to such a thing. I know you. But—”

“But you forget yourself. You think you’re invulnerable, Rhaenyra. You don’t know who you are.” Alicent intends for it to be a sneer, but instead it comes out quietly, and too gentle for disdain. She can’t know. Rhaenyra is as trapped as she is, but they’re trapped together. They belong together. She belongs with Alicent.

“I am Rhaenyra Targaryen, Heir to the Iron Throne and all of Westeros. I am a dragonrider. I am—I am your daughter. In a way. Your sister, too. Your enemy. Your sword, your shield.”

“And what am I?” What else is left for me? Alicent wonders.

“My Queen. For now.” Rhaenyra cocks her head, and the gleam in her eyes burns like fire raining down. “When I am Queen, you will be my lady.”

[ph-cutie]

I painted cuno's 3d model like its a bug. fun colored version under cut

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

I know that I had a very different experience than a lot of other born-and-raised american diaspora jews, but sometimes I forget this and will mention things that I consider to be quintessential jewish culture and then every other jew listening to me is extremely confused. I am so sorry for forgetting that my experiences are not universal please forgive me. but fr though what do you mean every b'nei mitzvah wasnt at a shitty rundown arcade where everyone ate cheap, greasy food and whatever sides their grandma brought?

[canisalbus]

you say machete has to be closeted then why's he always wearing them little heels

Maybe he thinks he's a tiny bit nicer looking in them.

[skrunksthatwunk]

look i know the violence we saw from mine in y3 was largely caused by him losing daigo but i think it's way way funnier to imagine him doing regular tojo stuff with his beloved chairman and also being just an unfathomable and kind of unstable person only moments away from doing something drastic. like one good morning from rokudaime = one reset to mine's orphan-bulldozing doomsday clock

[unknownarmageddon]

Do you think that Cross likes flowers? Do you think that the first time he sees them he's revolted? Because the colors are so imperfect it makes him want to throw up? Do you think he cries when he sees them a second time when he realizes that they're beautiful? Do you think he starts to grow flowers in his room? Do you think maybe one day one of Killer's cats breaks his little pot of flowers, the color he was never allowed to have, and he cries pitifully over that loss? Do you think Killer feels bad but he doesn't know how to apologize so instead he leaves him another little pot of flowers by his door (like a cat) without telling him it was him?

you can’t do this to me

[centaurianthropology]

Hammer Horror-a-thon: 'The Satanic Rites of Dracula'

So, after an unexpectedly delightful turn with 'Dracula A.D. 1972', we conclude our brief detour through the Lee/Cushing Dracula flicks with 'The Satanic Rites of Dracula.'

The opening credits are sort of a fun mix of the super funky opening credit song for 'Dracula A.D. 1972' with the more traditional sound a fury of the original 'Horror of Dracula' theme. Sort of like this is an attempt to bring the previous film together with the older films? We shall see. We also learn that the script is once again by Don Hougton, the same screenwriter who wrote 'Dracula A.D. 1972' (and I genuinely thought the script in that was pretty solid for being a B flick), but we've lost our beloved director of photography from that same movie, Dick Bush (still his real name). So we might not be be getting the rather ambitious shots and compositions we got in that film.

Behold, Dick Bush, who didn't shoot this film, but apparently won BAFTAs for his cinematography, and after 'Dracula A.D. 1972, I believe it. Sad to see you won't be taking this trip with us, King.

And post-credits we really do jump straight into the Satanic Rites, which I appreciate. Truth in advertising and all that. We have a bunch of pudgy middle aged dudes in robes, and, showing me why we jumped in rating from 'A.D. 1972' (PG) to an R rating, we immediately get a topless lady sacrifice. I mean, these movies have been very horny, but these are the first more-than-suggested boobs I've seen in my admittedly short viewing experience.

Then again, they're catering to the drive-in crowd, so tits were probably a major selling point.

Our Satanic rites, meanwhile, are being recorded and listened to by a dude with killer muttonchops and a fluffy vest. The very picture of 70s dude. He brings of mug of tea to an equally mutton-chopped and fluffy-vested dude in another room, while a third guy lies in a cot tied up. Our prisoner starts groaning, drawing Mutton Chop #2's attention, who promptly gets his ass strangled by Mustache, who sneaks away past an oblivious Mutton Chop #1.

Sometimes you gotta do your Satanic rites while bored dudes in fluffy vests record you for reasons.

But while he's sneaking out he triggers an alarm, alerting the cultists and getting Mutton Chop #1 to pursue him (along with yet another guy in a fluffy vest). Mutton Chop #1 is shot by a sniper, who picks him up in a car and they make their escape.

I had presumed the Mutton Chop army were surveilling the cult, but apparently the cult is aware of the recordings and is into it? Maybe they're making a documentary.

Seriously, where can I get one of those fluffy vests? I want one.

Cut to Mustache lying on a cot in some sort of brightly-lit, sterile interrogation room or something. He's being questioned by dudes about a guy named Porter while a doctor monitors him and all his answers are being recorded. He describes 'obscene rites' and claims to have photos.

Then he dies, because of course he does.

The dudes talking to him seem to be police or investigators or something. There also seems to be a routine for disposing of the bodies involved in the supernatural, apparently, because they'll be forging a death certificate for him. We're twelve minutes in and we have a cult and a supernatural governmental investigatory agency. Which I suppose is the logical conclusion for the Hammer universe, given how many monsters populate it. At some point, someone is going to try to regulate and litigate them.

Also their boss might be in the cult. So we've also got government corruption. This plot so far is a lot more complex than 'Dracula gets a groupie to resurrect him in the 1970s so he can slasher-flick his way through a group of hippie teens', and I'm not altogether certain yet that it's going to be for the better.

So they decide they'll bring in someone to help them, because of corruption and 'I'm only on your side in this room' and 'outside this secret we're keeping you're on your own.' Cheap spy thriller stuff, but it all seems to be a convoluted way to bring the same police inspector from the last film back into the picture to investigate the cult.

Because he honestly didn't leave much of an impression in the last film, I had to look it up. And yes, it's the same actor (Michael Coles) come back to play the character again, this time looking gloriously 1970s. While I don't mind his return, I'm a little disappointed, because with that outfit he looks a lot like David Warner, one of my favorite actors, and I was really excited for a second before realizing it wasn't him.

He gets briefed by the Government Dudes (mostly an excuse to get the most mileage out of the Satanic Rites set and the fact they still have a naked lady on screen). You get the feeling that half of the 'cultists' are just there to ogle and Touch Boob. And it turns out they're all powerful and well-known middle-aged dudes hoping to Touch Boob. Then the naked lady, who seemed very into everything right up until this point, gets stabbed by the High Priestess (the only one at the rite who seems like a real professional, and not just interested in Boob).

Meanwhile, while they're briefing Murray, the woman who ran the recording equipment for the Government Dudes is getting in a high-speed chase with the Mutton Chop Army. They catch her.

Back to the ritual, and the naked lady is brought back to life and healed. Sacrificial recycling! Cool!

Having got caught up, Murray immediately brings van Helsing in on the investigation, bringing one of the Government Dudes back. Because Murray is nothing if not practical.

And we're reunited with Lorrimer (hopefully I'm spelling that name right now) van Helsing, still mostly a researcher, with no strong indication if he spends much of his time monster hunting, or if that's more of an occasional treat. We also get reunited with Jessica van Helsing. And right off, grand tragedy: we no longer have Stephanie Beacham as Jessica. However, to make me far less sad about the loss, her replacement is none other than Joanna Lumley!! I have loved her since 'Sapphire and Steel' (legitimately one of my favorite shows ever), and she brings a very different quality to the role.

The (slightly revised) van Helsings and Inspector Murray

Joanna Lumley is a much cooler, quieter presence than the effervescent Stephanie Beacham. While Beacham was a contrast to Cushing's more quiet energy, Lumley seems to be an older and more mature Jessica, matching his energy rather than contrasting it. She's soft spoken, and has apparently become a very talented supernatural researcher in her own right. I'm still hopeful she's at least gotten some training as well as research chops, given her line of work. I'm not expecting Buffy, but I'm at least hoping for concealed crucifixes and holy water. After all, Lorrimer isn't much for physical violence either, and every time Dracula gets defeated it tends to be with improvised weaponry.

At least make sure the lady can whittle herself a pit trap like her grandfather!

We also learn that one of the wealthy men who wanted to Touch Boob was an old school friend of van Helsing's: Professor Keeley, a biochemist who won a nobel prize (feels like the satanic rites would have come up in a Nobel background check, but maybe they were just handing those things out like cereal box toys in the 1970s).

Van Helsing is hoping that Keeley is innocent, and proposes he go talk to the man first. The investigators figure he might get more out of Keeley than they would, and agree to the plan.

Keeley isn't doing well. He seems like he's in the middle of some sort of breakdown, being worked into exhaustion. The actor playing him (Freddie Jones) was a fairly well-known character actor, and ends up doing a lot with a little screentime. His chemistry with Cushing is solid, and his performance very much conveys the feel of a man doing work he's not even sure why he's doing.

And what is that work?

Growing mold, apparently.

We come back to the lady recording the session, and find her in the same cot that Mustache was in at the beginning of the film, having been captured bt the Mutton Chop Army. The door gets knocked open by the fog machine, and we are re-introduced to an already re-resurrected Dracula. It's sort of impressive how little Christopher Lee seems to age in this role, looking about the same as he did in 1958. She gets bit, of course, and I suppose we've got our first new vampire of the film.

Keeley, a little more with it, is meanwhile monologuing about evil while van Helsing sorts through is papers. He's honestly really up front about the whole 'I am a satanist!' schtick, which is considerate of him. Lorrimer slaps him a few times to try to snap him out of the monologue, and demands to know what he's been researching because it looks a lot like he's been engineering a new strain of Yersinia pestis (the Bubonic plague) which, one assumes, would be resistant to penicillin now (fun fact: the plague is basically entirely cured thanks to the invention of antibiotics, which it's very responsive to). And how did he do that? Radiation. He has radioactive plague which is apparently lethal in seconds and spready by touch somehow.

So we have spies, a mad scientist, biological warfare ... this is feeling rather sci-fi horror, and I still have no idea why anyone is doing what they're doing. I definitely have no idea how Dracula is involved. Is he directing all this, or is he mostly along for the ride?

I really hope the answer is deeply stupid, because so far this movie is trying to be clever and is mostly boring. I want some real goofy shit kicking off soon.

Unfortunately for van Helsing, the Mutton Chop army has been monitoring Keeley's work, and arrives, shooting van Helsing (in the head??) but somehow only giving him a little scrape. Because that's how guns work. He patches himself up with a cute little white bandaid and he's good to go.

Congrats to Lorrimer van Helsing for being able to slap a bandaid on a gunshot wound to the head and apparently be fine.

Keeley is a lot less lucky, because he's apparently completed his work, so the cult just has him murndered and hanged in his lab, snatching all the moldy petri dishes plague.

Meanwhile, Murray and Government Dude are ragingly misogynistic to Jessica, who they brought with them to the cult headquarters but insist she not come in with them or act as an expert on the supernatural for them, despite her being trained to do exact that. Instead they leave her at the car. Why did you even bring her if you were going to be such dicks? I hope you both get murdered by Dracula, you pair of bumble fucks.

They question the high priestess, insisting they're investigating a bunch of 'motorcycle hooligans' and want to search the mansion for them. Meanwhile, Jessica sneaks into the house, deftly avoiding the security system that Mustache tripped. She finds that Dracula still likes to put his crypt in a really publicly accessible place (some things never change). She discovers the recording lady from the Government and tries to rescue her, only to be beset but a whole heap of vampiric bisexuality. She doesn't seem happy about being mugged by a ton of vampiric ladies, but the first one? I think Jessica was at least a little happy she found the sexy lesbians dungeon.

Luckily for Jessica, all the lady vampires seem much less interested in biting her than feeling her up. Unluckily for her, we get confirmation that Jessica did not, in fact get training on vampiric ass-kicking (boo! Both the van Helsings falling down on the job; it's apparently been two years and you two did NOT have a training montage, did you??). Murray and Government Dude rescue her, and Government Dude recognizes the new vampire recording lady, and Inspector Murray stakes her. They leave the other vampiric ladies and run, pursued by the Mutton Chop Army.

Jessica, hoping she's found the lesbian dungeon, and only finding the vampire dungeon.

Van Helsing at least is already suspecting Dracula's involvement somehow, and he thinks that something is being organized. He wants to investigate Keeley's bakroller, a guy named D.D. Denham who owns a combination of various corporations with the other guys who were spotted in the cult.

And wait, according to van Helsing, they're whipping up this plague to wipe out all of humanity. Is the entire plot of this movie actually about Dracula getting so sick of being resurrected that he wants to wipe out humanity so he can get some damned sleep? Because if that's actually the plot of this movie, I might take back every bad thing I've said about it so far.

The Government Dudes, Murray, and Jessica do some surveillance of the cult headquarters, but oh no! Government Dudes are both assassinated by one of the Mutton Chops with a sniper rifle. Rest in Piss you misogynistic bastards. I hope Jessica stakes some vampires just to spite you.

While they're being taken down with regular bullets, van Helsing has been smelting silver bullets for a tiny holdout pistol. Because it's the 1970s and van Helsing is strapped now, even if it's with the world's most adorable derringer.

Murray and Jessica barely outrun the sniper and find the Government Dudes' car, but oh no! It's an ambush! Murray is knocked out, and Jessica is taken prisoner to once again play the damsel (boo once more).

Meanwhile, van Helsing goes to confront 'Denham', and it's deeply unshocking that it's actually Dracula. Who's now a corporate criminal as well as a vampire (is that some sort of commentary on corporate greed? Or is that too smart for this movie?).

And for the first time in what feels like WAAAAY too many movies, we get an actual conversation between Dracula and van Helsing. Dracula puts on a cad Bela Lugosi accent (cute touch). And yeah, the plot of this movie really does seem like Dracula wants to get some fucking sleep. They have a quick chat before van Helsing confirms it's Dracula and draws his adorable derringer.

Look at this adorable tiny gun

Only to have his aim knocked off-course by the other cult members. They want to execute him right away, but Dracula isn't going to let that happen. They only just got their first proper conversation! Van Helsing is too sexy! Dracula absolutely has to keep him around for a way more convoluted seduction death.

It's so dumb. I'm thrilled we've finally gotten to the stupid part of this movie, and hopes it gets dumber. And since van Helsing is now captured, I am also really hoping we get some genuine scenes between Cushing and Lee. Don't get me wrong; I love it when they throw one another around a room for a bit, but to actually exchange meaningful dialogue? In my Dracula movie??

Hopefully it's more likely than I fear.

Meanwhile, Murry nearly gets murdered by the high priestess vampire, only to realize that the entire crypt of vampiric bisexuality is filled with conveniently placed stakes and has a full fucking sprinkler system. Which feels like a serious oversight on the cult's part. I am deeply disappointed he wasn't ripped to shreds, and all thanks to the worst home planning in the world.

He finds Jessica once again in a magical sleep (this happens to her every few years), but has to leave her and hide from the cult members dragging van Helsing in. Dracula once again means to bite Jessica, this time complete with pyrotechnics and monologuing.

But he is once again gets properly derailed as soon as van Helsing starts talking. Because poor Jessica seems to mostly end up being a setpiece in their weird little back-and-forth. She's there mostly to get a rise out of van Helsing, to really kick the fight off properly.

But what actually happens is, in the middle of some not-so-great dialogue about plagues and shit, we actually get some real acting out of Cushing and Lee. Dracula seems almost desperate. behind the bluster, he seems miserable. He seems tired and sad and just wanting an end. And van Helsing confronts him about it: is all this convoluted bullshit just a cover for his death wish? Does he want to annihilate an entire planet just so he'll finally be left alone?

The looks they give one another in this moment is a reminder that, despite some dogshit movies and some dogshit scripts, both Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing were world-class actors. They could take this really poor script and make a moment in it that transcended the material.

Even just for an instant, this movie was really genuinely good.

it's hard to convey how good this very brief moment was in an otherwise sort of shit movie.

But it turns out that staritng an apocalyptic plague wasn't what the cultists signed up for. They signed up for power and to Touch Boob. They try to protest, but Dracula hypnotizes one of them into breaking the vial of super plague, which is about the happiest we've seen him all movie. I think he figures he'll finally get a proper quiet time.

Unfortunately for him, the addition of pyrotechnics was just as bad as the idea of the Basement of Conveniently Placed Stakes and Sprinkler System, and everything quickly catches on fire with only one of the cultists infected. Murray rescues a still-asleep Jessica, and we get our confrontation. Dracula totally forgets the plague plot, van Helsing apparently is spry enough to jump out a second story window without any repercussions (but a cut guarantees we don't see it).

And Dracula is defeated by a shrub. No, seriously, he gets killed by a bush trying to get to van Helsing just because van Helsing keeps shouting his name. Because apparently hawthorn is really damaging to vampires, and he doesn't think to go around it? It's easily the most anticlimatic and least exciting of their confrontations. I know on paper it sounds really hilarious, but honestly? The pit trap in the last movie was a lot more fun.

So, yeah, have to say that this movie was a disappointment. After the audacious silliness and energy of 'Dracula A.D. 1972' I was really hoping for something equally fun. But this movie was front loaded with a boring spy 'thriller', and back-ended by a sci-fi plot about the radioactive super plague which somehow wasn't even stupid enough to be fun. There was one really solid scene, one moment between the two leads I'd been hoping for over multiple movies, but that was followed by the least fun confrontation, and an end that felt like, in more skilled directorial and writing hands, could have played out like a subversive tragedy.

Because that was how Cushing and Lee were clearly trying to play it. They were both tired of the chase, tired of repeating the same pattern again and again hoping for different results.

With a better, more self-aware script focused on that heart of the movie, I genuinely think this movie could have been incredible. This could have been a genuinely tragic swan-song to the series. This would be the final Dracula movie for both the leads, and it just sort of feels like a disappointment, all the more so for the inkling of what this could have been.

I hate that this one ends as a bit of a downer, especially after 'Dracula A.D. 1972' was such an unexpected delight. It was a breath of fresh air, and this movie just felt as tired as Dracula seemed in it. I feel like the treatment of Jessica really exemplifies that. In 'A.D. 1972' she was inexperienced but clever, young and fun and zesty. This movie makes her just someone there to deliver a few lines and scream. We don't get the character growth hinted at by making her a full researcher or letting her seem more mature, and Joanna Lumley's considerable talents were completely wasted. Why cast such a talented actress and then do nothing with her? Why finally allow van Helsing and Dracula to talk and do nothing with it beyond what the actors could conjure from thin air? Why actually touch on the tragedy of Dracula being dragged back from the dead again and again and AGAIN and not pay it off in a better, more satisfying way? You could have turned that confrontation into what would have been suicide-by-van-Helsing, make it a real tragedy for both of them, a moment of genuine understanding.

But no. This is a movie of poor writing, dull pacing, and wasted opportunity.

I'm hoping for something much stupider and much more fun next time. I had been meaning to save it for myself later in the run, but after this disappointment, screw it. Next time, we watch 'Horror Express', and hopefully that's as gloriously stupid and fun as 'Dracula A.D. 1972' was.

[total-drama-fugitives]

big brain move from the td makers to foreshadow the dogshit character interactions in the tdpi poster

Notice the lack of closeness? How none of them are touching each other? Giving any indication of friendly interaction? Truly spectacular. By gum, what will they think of next?

[betweenbeatriceandbaudelaire]

A selection of my favorite outfits ever from Dress Up Time Princess (from stories, special events outfits, paying outfits…)

[thecoolerbrother]

i think something moonage daydream was really good at doing was capturing a vibe

[ph-cutie]

idk

[acediee]

Revenge's consequence

Based off Granblue Fantasy Jamil SSR fate episode! I still love that fate episode very much 🥲

This took an extremely long time compared to my other pieces 🙈 I initially painted this maybe half a year ago in hopes of making it extra fancy? But it was so hefty I lost momentum... Progress shots below!

[canisalbus]

What do you think would have happened if (somehow, idk how but somehow) Machete rose to the rank of pope?

To be perfectly honest? I think most realistically he would've ruled maybe six months at best and then keeled over from stress and exhaustion.

[nostalgia-tblr]

and another thing about that movie

This bit would have been such a lovely opportunity for some wholesome mother-son bonding via sweet, sweet regicide.

Don't you think?

Go on, you can be each other's alibi. I would normally recommend not having any witnesses to such deeds, but the odds that your mother or your son will decide to rat on you for the murder you did together are probably lower than average.

Sorry, did I say murder? Of course it wasn't murder. He just died. Look, there were two of them in the room, surely one of them would have noticed if the other had done something like that? What, don't you trust them? It's his wife and his son! He can't have been murdered by his wife and his son!

[widevibratobitch]

love her to the moon and back and she's perfect in every other way but aaaaaaa let me use my chest or im gonna scream

[furryprovocateur]

christian brainrot wrt the number 666 is real. one time when i worked at the call center i had a customer request to change her card number because it ended in 666. like. im sure god would give you a pass at that point girl