#it's my problem i never learned or was taught how to emote normally

[redwidow616]

So apparently I'm so emotionally unavailable and such a people pleaser (idk if these are the right words but you'll get it) that i won't even post some stuff on here cus I don't wanna worry you guys 🫠

[zukosdualdao]

so, this post was originally born from a post i saw a couple of months ago that was deriding people for criticizing katara’s main role in lok being a healer when that was never all she wanted to do but liking the scene where she heals zuko in sozin's comet. at the time i thought about responding directly and decided against it, but i have since scanned through transcripts of every instance (i could find; it's possible i could be missing something) of katara healing someone in the show and how they respond. (you know, like a normal and well-adjusted individual. lmao.)

anyway, aside from katara explicitly stating that she doesn’t only want to be a healer, another aspect of why people don’t like that this is how her story goes in lok is because of the way healing is treated in the atla narrative.

Katara: Aang, you're burned! Let me help you. [Katara heals the burn on Aang's arm.] Aang: Wow, that's good water. Sokka: When did you learn that? Katara: I guess I always knew. Sokka: [Sarcastically.] Oh ... Well then thanks for all the first aid over the years. Like when I fell into the greaseberry bramble. [Angrily.] Or that time I had two fishhooks in my thumb!

this comes, of course, after aang accidentally burns katara and she learns she can heal through her waterbending by healing her own hands. then (after comforting aang despite being the one who got hurt, not that i'm bitter), she heals aang after he gets burned in his fight with zhao. and like... there's not so much as a cursory thanks in this scene.

to be clear, because i can already hear some responses in my head and i am making a preemptive strike: i'm not saying that when other characters don't thank katara for her healing, they're like, the worst people ever for not doing so or there aren't other ways at different times where they show their appreciation. what i am saying is that it feels like this sets up a long pattern of katara's healing specifically being taken for granted, and it makes me especially uncomfortable when i see her healing as a sort of metaphorical parallel to the emotional labor often expected of her in the show, especially because this and being The Avatar's Girlfriend/Wife is more or less what she's relegated to in post-canon.

also, i have to note sokka's line here. i don't want to come down on him too hard for this, because it's obviously being written humorously (and does genuinely make me laugh, for what it's worth, if just for the inherent ridiculous nature of two fishhooks), but his sarcastically saying thanks for all the help over the years when katara says she always knew (which is supposed to be her saying it just somehow instinctively came to her) does feel like another mark in this pattern. but i also really read this as sokka trying to lighten the mood after a Difficult (TM) day, so i cut both him and the writers some slack for it.

Meanwhile, back at the Outer Wall, Katara attempts to heal a member of the Terra Team. General Sung: What's wrong with him? He doesn't look injured. Katara: His chi is blocked. [Stops healing.] Who did this to you?

i find it interesting that katara has sort of naturally fallen into a token team healer role, to the degree that we don't even see them ask for her help or her agree to it; it's just automatically assumed that she will. and i mean, on the one hand, it's fairly standard to have an Assumed Healer in a fantasy action setting like this, where people will get hurt in combat and therefore the narrative needs someone whose job is to help them. the problem for me is that the show kicked up such a fuss about how women shouldn't just be allowed to be healers, and yet it's still the role no one but katara ever fills. aang is also a waterbender! why couldn't she have taught him healing, too? i genuinely think it would have added a lot to the story, but katara is The Girl (TM), so healing is what she (and only she) does, what's expected of her, and again, with very rare thanks for it.

Katara stares open-mouthed at Jet, her hands hovering near her mouth in shock. Snapping out of it, she withdraws water from her water skin, with which she covers her hands, and it begins to glow as she kneels down next to him. Cut to a shot from over her shoulder, with Jet glancing at her while she rubs her hands over his chest in an attempt to heal him. After rubbing his chest three times, the glow fades, the water stains Jet's clothing, and Katara looks back over her shoulder toward the rest of the group. Katara: This isn't good. Smellerbee: You guys go and find Appa. We'll take care of Jet. Katara: We're not going to leave you. Longshot: There's no time. Just go. We'll take care of him. He's our leader. They stare at Longshot in surprise. Jet: Don't worry, Katara. I'll be fine. [Smiles a little.]

Cut to a closer shot of Katara placing Aang's body on Appa. Katara opens the vial around her neck and uses water healing on Aang's wounded back. The rest of Team Avatar, Kuei, and Bosco all look sadly and in anticipation. The glowing from the spirit water stops, and Katara starts crying, assuming that it was not enough to save Aang. Aang's tattoos glow for a second and Aang groans. Katara, overcome with joy that Aang is alive, looks at him, who smiles a little, and she holds him closer.

writing about these together because i have less to say about them. i'm definitely not going to fault jet for not thanking katara when she tries to heal him as he literally lay dying, or aang for not having the mind to do so after she brings him back. but i am still going to fault the narrative for putting her in a position where healing is just inherently expected from her and yet very rarely allowing her to feel the emotional toll of that or to feel constricted by it. and when she does struggle against the weight of it (not necessarily of being a healer, but of being expected to be kind and good and uncomplicated with no room for other aspects of her identity, which are very tangled up in why she is The Healer) in episodes like the runaway or in the southern raiders, she just... does not receive a lot of support from the people she should be most able to rely on.

Katara: Maybe we should go upstairs. [Helping Aang up.] You need a healing session. Back in Aang's room on the ship. Katara bends some water onto the scar left by Azula's lightning attack. Katara: Tell me where the pain feels most intense. Aang: Mmm, a little higher. Uhhh! Aang briefly flashes back to the battle at Old Ba Sing Se where he rose into the Avatar State, then back to reality. Aang: Wow, you're definitely in the right area there.

not much to say here, it's just another instance where it would have been so easy to slip one thank you in, and the writers just... do not. the reason i think it bothers me so much with aang specifically is because katara is supposed to be both aang's physical healer and his emotional crutch in a way that she's not written as being for, say, toph or sokka. he's sometimes shown appreciation for her emotional support, but he still comes to rely on and expect it in ways that do not always feel healthy, and knowing that, it bothers me that he shows even less appreciation for her healing, because it's just what katara is there for.

A figure resembling the Painted Lady glides over the water on a carpet of fog and enters the village. She steps into a hut where several people are sleeping on the floor, and bends over each of them in turn, healing them with a blue glow. Her last patient is the mother of the little boy seen earlier, her son sleeping at her side. He wakes as the Painted Lady turns to go and silently follows her out the door. Little boy: Thank you, Painted Lady.

this is a genuinely sweet scene in which katara does receive appreciation and genuine thanks for her healing, but i think it's also worth noting that katara is not being recognized as herself here. still, i am genuinely very glad that it's included in the episode because (again, unless i am missing something) it is the first time katara gets thanked for her healing.

The scene cuts to show Appa landing on the edge of the battlefield. Sokka and Katara help Hakoda onto the ground, and Katara starts trying to heal him. Katara: How does that feel, Dad? Hakoda: Ah, a little, better. I need, to get back to the troops. [Attempts to stand but is too weak to.] Ahh! Katara: You're hurt, badly. You can't fight anymore. Hakoda: Everyone's counting on me to lead this mission Katara, I won't let them down. [Attempts to stand again but can't.] Ahh! Sokka: Can't you heal him any faster?

they're in a high intensity situation, and sokka is Stressed because hakoda is supposed to lead the mission, so i, like, Get It, but "can't you heal him any faster?" does strike me as another moment in which katara's healing is being taken for granted. i think it's something that would bother me a lot less if this was an isolated incident in the writing, but *gestures vaguely at whole post*.

Sokka: [Brightening.] Dad! [Rising and approaching the two.] You're on your feet again. Hakoda: [Sitting down; somewhat weakly.] Thanks to your sister.

that being said, in the next hakoda and katara scene, there is this very sweet moment, where hakoda might not be thanking katara directly but is showing a lot of appreciation and admiration for her skill in healing (and though she's not in the dialogue i included, she's around to hear it, which makes me happy.)

Katara: It's gonna take a while for your feet to get better. [Stops healing.] I wish I could have worked on them sooner. Toph: Yeah, me too.

once again, i'm not gonna fault toph for wishing katara could have healed her feet sooner, because she's been in pain all night, but the writers could have very easily (as they could have in any of these scenes!) chosen to include a perfunctory 'thanks' here, and they just didn't. i know this is getting repetitive, but i swear it's because it's largely more me being mad at the writers than the characters, lmao.

there are also a couple of scenes in which katara doesn't heal anyone, but her healing gets brought up by aang.

Aang: He doesn't look sick. You okay, buddy? [Appa groans and Aang pulls out Appa's purple tongue.] His tongue is purple! That can't be good. Katara, can you heal him?

to be fair, aang asks here, and it's not like aang gets defensive or angry when katara says appa needs medicine (and also to be fair, appa's not even actually sick, lmao, katara's being slightly trickstery), but it's another instance where katara is automatically positioned as the person who is and should be responsible for healing.

Aang: [Chuckles.] Well, not over over. I mean there's always Katara and a little Spirit Water action, [Turns to Katara.] am I right? Katara: Actually, I used it all up after Azula shot you. Aang: [Disappointed.] Oh.

i actually don't mind this so much as a writing moment, as i think it's a lot more intentional wrt aang not always conceptualizing the reality of the violence he’s facing. still, it’s another instance of katara’s ability to heal and care for him being taken for granted, and i find it especially notable it’s in of the last significant moments they share together (the other being an argument as katara urges him not to run away from the reality of their situation with ozai) before they spend the rest of the finale separate until they’re kissing without a word at the end.

and then there is the zutara healing scene, where katara heals zuko after he interferes and takes azula’s lightning to the chest when she’s aiming for katara.

Cut to Katara as she rolls Zuko on to his back and begins healing him. Zuko opens his eyes, feeling the pain lessen, and smiles weakly at Katara, who smiles back as she sheds a tear.

Zuko: Thank you, Katara.

Katara: I think I'm the one who should be thanking you.

it seems fair to me to say that one of the reasons the motifs of healing in the zutara are dynamic are so appreciated by their fans is because of how it contrasts to a lot of moments where the work katara does with her healing is under-appreciated. for one thing, it happens as part of a mutual exchange—katara heals zuko after he gets hurt saving her. (this also somewhat calls back to their scenes together in the crystal caves in the tcod, where she offers to heal his scar after they are trapped together and zuko extends her empathy.) it’s based in reciprocity. it’s also, as shown here, one of the few moments of explicit, heartfelt appreciation and thanks given for katara’s healing.

[fen-luciel]

Jealousy part 1

Part 2 here

Warnings: age gap/toxic behavior

Vernestra-Padawan reader/jedi Qimir

I'll update the tags as the story progresses, there should only be two more parts.

I'm not sure how far I'll go with certain behaviors, so leave a comment and let me know what you think <3

(This first part is to provide context, the other two will set the story in motion)

Becoming a Padawan was a lifelong dream. Of course, I was young, so my view of the world and what I would experience in the coming years was very limited. The idea of being taken under the wing of a more experienced Jedi master, learning many more techniques, the missions, the travels, all the people and aliens I could meet... I was bursting with happiness.

Not that the exercises at the temple weren't stimulating, I was glad to have made friends, to have developed a routine with them, but I was ready for something new.

So, when I was finally introduced to my future master, I was bursting with joy. I recognized her immediately, it was hard not to. Vernestra was an important member of the Order, involved with the Senate, and was known for her numerous successes. It was an honor for me to receive that position by her side.

Over the years, I had been recognized as an excellent future Padawan, with the ability to learn quickly, a strong sense of observation, and a positive and kind character that always accompanied me. I was often praised for the way I presented myself to others. In short, everyone saw a bright future for me, but I had difficulty seeing it myself. I was young and inexperienced and I believed that the important thing was to follow the rules, the rest was just a part of me, something I did naturally.

I imagine that becoming Vernestra’s Padawan was just the confirmation of that golden path everyone saw me on, but I was too caught up in the newness to really think about it.

However, I soon realized that I lost the balance I had created up to that point, I lost some friends, some simply due to distance, others were... cold towards me.

I didn't understand what had changed. I would never have accused anyone of feeling emotions like jealousy or anger towards me, we were children. Missteps were normal, and we were taught that it was right to face them and learn from them.

But if you asked around, many would have described me as someone who never made mistakes, who always responded with a gentle smile, a comforting word, a hand on the shoulder, or even just a pleasant company if you needed to vent. Perhaps that was the problem. I appeared too perfect in the eyes of others.

And yet, the Master didn’t make me feel that way. She taught me everything calmly, I followed her every step, she reprimanded me harshly, but always with care. She soon realized how much I sought validation in everything I did.

It was stronger than me, I believed I was always making a mistake, that I was in the wrong. After all, who was I to say something was right or wrong? I was just a Padawan. A child.

And anyway, it wasn’t the Jedi’s job to give answers, but rather to push people to understand for themselves.

Even though it was a concept I found difficult to grasp myself.

Anyway, that’s how I met Qimir.

He was Vernestra’s former Padawan, now promoted to Jedi Knight and independent in his duties, but he often visited us, either to seek advice from his old Master or just to ask how she was doing. I found him very sweet.

The first time I met him in person, I already knew his name. He had managed to stand out as soon as he started his duties as a Knight. Among the younger ones, there was a sense of reverence towards him even though we had never seen him in person. And besides, it was rumored that he was terribly handsome, not that it particularly interested me at the time.

I remember I was in the library with Vernestra, she had assigned me some basic readings to start my future physical training. Young ones are already taught at an early age to defend themselves and to learn various positions, but it was more about building an understanding of your Force signature, learning to trust your senses. The real training would then be individual for the student once they had a Master, so she had recommended these introductory readings on the various forms of combat and their use.

Those were afternoons I remembered with particular affection. Sitting in silence, she would take a more suitable book or bring her work documents on her datapad, and the hours would pass in an instant. Sometimes, I would glance at her to see what she was doing. She noticed every time, smiled slightly, and gently scolded me, telling me to return to my tasks.

I was happy. I felt cared for, appreciated, but not in the cold manner of a teacher with their student. It was a feeling I didn’t quite know how to place in my heart, and it worried me a bit, but I kept my doubts for another day.

On one of those quiet afternoons, I met Qimir. The room was particularly deserted that day, so the sound of footsteps approaching could be heard clearly along the shelves. Thinking it was the librarian, I didn’t pay much attention and remained with my nose buried in the book. Even when he stopped in front of our table I didn’t pay attention. Then, a deep male voice I didn’t recognize spoke Vernestra’s name.

Curiosity flared up in an instant, and as the two began a light conversation next to me, I slowly raised my gaze, the book almost serving as a shield, my hair partly covering my eyes. In front of us stood a young man in his twenties, dressed in the classic brown Jedi Knight attire, speaking casually to Vernestra. His slightly long, smooth hair, a light smile, and dark eyes framed by a chiseled jaw.

It was the first time I saw him. And the first time my heart beat so fast in my chest.

I didn’t know if it was because he was undeniably a handsome guy. I had never been too interested in that sort of thing, and anyway, it was forbidden for Jedi to have too impure thoughts. It was more... his aura. The amused smile but attentive eyes, the neat but relaxed posture... he seemed to shine with his own light. It was what I felt when I saw a member of the council, when I glimpsed Master Yoda in the corridors, reverence, respect, a bit of fear.

He was captivating, and he seemed to be aware of it.

I didn’t even realize that I had been staring at him longer than I should have. He noticed the insistent gaze on him. I must have looked quite ridiculous, a young girl hiding behind a book while staring at the great Jedi Knight, but the smile he gave me right after almost took my breath away as I blushed, perhaps for the first time in my life.

“And you must be the new Padawan who took my place. Nice to meet you, I’m Qimir” he said, extending a hand, and after casting a nervous glance at Vernestra, who was smiling at me, I hugged the book to my chest with one arm, my palm tingling, unsure whether to return the handshake.

Another inner turmoil came with that first touch. His hands had long, slender fingers, marked by numerous calluses, probably from gripping the lightsaber or the various missions he faced. It was just another reason why I started to admire him. I could see all the dots connecting in this figure that represented everything I wanted to become. A Jedi. A reference point for those in need.

I said my name in a low, timid voice, and he leaned towards me with a slight frown “Such a small voice, are you always like this, or am I making you nervous?” he joked, but I bit my lip, not knowing what to reply, I pulled my hand away, but he didn’t let go. Instead, he began to gently rub my knuckles with his thumb.

“Leave her alone, Qimir. She’s shy, don’t start with your teasing” Vernestra scolded him, at which he let go. I hid my hand under the table, clenching it into a fist, my skin tingling.

“Sorry, sorry. It must be a relief for you to have someone like this after me” she sighed but didn’t deny it either, at which I let out a smile and he, noticing, winked at me.

That was the first time I had dealings with him. But soon I began to see him everywhere. When he wasn’t on a mission, he stayed around the temple, so I encountered him in the corridors, in the halls, in the meditation room, and he always had a kind smile for me.

He made me feel special even though I knew it was a selfish feeling. When I managed to study with other Padawans in the library or practiced in the courtyard, he always stopped by to give me a nod. My friends were jealous, but I wasn’t really offended. Qimir was... kind.

It was like seeing the Force alive and pulsing around him. It was impossible not to look at him, not to wish that he would glance at you even just once.

Everyone wanted to be like him. Charismatic. Confident. Everyone wanted to be his friend.

One of the first missions I did with Master Vernestra was another point of contact. Being young, I wasn’t yet allowed in particularly dangerous scenarios, not to mention that if there was one thing I was lacking in, it was combat. I followed the Master almost everywhere, political life was just as important in a Jedi’s path, and I had to understand the mechanics early on for when I would be older, even though they were often more moments of leisure.

The meetings lasted hours, often discussing places, people, and things I knew nothing about. I tried to stay focused, but it was really difficult, and even Vernestra thought I shouldn’t strain myself too much, so she let me roam around, maybe continue studying, or even just take a little break.

One day, ready to depart, we were loading the luggage onto the ship. We were going to spend a few days on Hoth, and I was incredibly excited since I had never experienced a planet with that kind of climate before. As I was lost in my thoughts, a light knock interrupted me. At the foot of the ramp, Qimir gave me a half-smile "Is there room for me too?" I was still intimidated by his presence since we had never really spoken before. I opened my mouth several times, glancing around awkwardly, not sure if he was teasing me or if I was too stupid to understand what he meant.

"I hope you didn’t bring your usual baggage" Vernestra said behind me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked at her, confused "Excuse me Master, is Qimir coming with us?" I struggled even to pronounce his name, it felt like an insult to do so, as if I didn’t have enough experience to earn such a privilege.

"What, you don't want me around?" he smiled as he walked up the ramp. I squirmed uncomfortably, realizing the embarrassing situation I had caused "N-no, I didn’t mean that—" He smiled even more, but Vernestra intervened again, scolding him "Give her some space Qimir."

The plan was simple: it was a diplomatic mission, and Qimir had joined us to study for a few days with his former master. I didn’t know exactly what he needed, but he wanted her advice. We left a few minutes later, and I avoided the control room like the plague. I only entered once to ask how much longer it would take, burning alive under Qimir’s gaze, then I shut myself in the bedroom and did my homework.

Hoth was as beautiful as it was freezing. But it was worth it; I had never seen such an immense expanse of white, the ground soft underfoot from the snow, the ice mountains, creatures I had never seen before. Vernestra stopped to talk to some locals, and I approached the enormous door overlooking the ice field. I wondered if the entire planet was like this. Did anyone live in those isolated areas? How could anyone survive in such a harsh climate?

A gloved hand rested on my back, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I turned, expecting to see my master, but under the hood, it was Qimir’s dark eyes that looked at me with a gentle smile on his face.

"Beautiful, isn’t it?" he asked before turning back to look at the white expanse before us. I nodded hesitantly. Nervous about speaking to him, I bit my lip but managed to gather the courage "Do you know... if there’s anyone who lives in these lands?" He looked at me, puzzled, and I quickly corrected myself "I mean... besides the local species. Or aliens accustomed to these temperatures. Do you think others could live in a place like this?" He let out a small amused puff, "Well, we actually know for sure. There are many bandits or pirates hiding in these lands. Mainly to hide something, you know, it’s not worth sending search teams into snowstorms for a single man" he explained.

I made a sound of acknowledgment, but he continued "And if we’re talking about others... I think so. Someone who likes solitude or seeks peace. It seems like a good place not to be found" At that point, I turned toward him "Completely alone? It seems..." sad. But I was afraid to say it out loud, sadness wasn’t one of those emotions a Jedi should typically feel, but it felt natural to feel melancholy at the thought of people wanting to lose themselves in nothingness, to never be found again.

"Sad?" he seemed to read my mind "You see, emotions are very complicated to recognize. What might seem sad to you might mean peace to others. As Jedi, we often take many emotions for granted, but we often forget to give them context" I listened, hanging on his every word.

The conversation seemed... strange in some way. It made sense. Of course it did, he was older than me, had more experience in the field, and knew what he was talking about. I should have just nodded and thanked him for sharing those words.

I ignored the burning sensation I felt and thanked him in a faint voice It felt silly to do so, but it was the least I could do.

He smiled at me and gently took my hand "Let’s go, we need to warm up a bit. Trust me, in two more minutes, you won’t be able to feel the tip of your nose" he joked. I stifled a giggle and let him lead me inside toward the rooms. I didn’t know if it was because we were both wearing gloves or because of the conversation we had just had, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable being held by the hand.

A couple of days later, I was alone in one of the bases scattered across the ice. Vernestra was in a meeting and had forbidden me from attending due to the sensitivity of some of the information that would be exchanged. The problem was that these places weren’t particularly full of people or things to do. Yes, there was a bar area, but after the third cup of hot chocolate, I was afraid of pushing my stomach to the limit, so I stayed at the entrance, my feet in a pile of snow as I doodled or made small, questionable-looking statues.

I was so engrossed in the crooked little house I was shaping out of the ice that I didn’t notice the snowball being thrown in my direction.

I let out a startled yelp when it hit the hood on my head. I spun around just in time to see Qimir burst into laughter "Why did you do that?!" I stood up quickly, brushing the snow off my head.

"You looked so bored, I woke you up, didn’t I?" he chuckled.

I glared at him with a pout while he continued to laugh, so I decided to get revenge.

I bent down to grab a pile of snow, quickly making two balls. I threw the first one, but he easily dodged it.

He turned with an arrogant smile, ready to boast when the second one hit him square in the face.

I burst into laughter. He wiped the snow from his nose, his smile gone before bending down to grab more snow.

I shouted his name, realizing immediately what he was about to do, and started running through the snow with him on my heels. We didn’t even have time to make proper snowballs, we just grabbed the snow in our hands, compacted it as best we could, and threw it at each other in a never-ending war. Sometimes I noticed people giving us amused looks as they arrived or departed from the base, but I didn’t care, I was so happy that, for the first time, I didn’t even care what people thought of me.

An hour later, Vernestra called us back, giving us a confused look. She sighed and sent us to dry off. I felt a bit embarrassed at that moment, and I apologized for the childish behavior, but she smiled at me and assured me there was nothing wrong with what we had done.

In the end I took a full shower someone had left dinner on my bed, considering how long I had been under the hot water. I ate and, putting on one of the heavy local pajamas, decided to step out into the hallway to ask the Master what we would be doing the next day. I knew she wasn’t in bed yet, based on her nightly habits.

I walked down the hallway on the second floor, where the various guest rooms were located, when I noticed that her door was already open.

I approached slowly and immediately recognized Qimir’s voice.

"I’m just saying, if we block the main routes, they’d be forced to come out into the open" With a sense of curiosity, I pressed myself against the wall to peek into the room. The two were looking at an old map spread out on the table.

"I agree, but it would take too many resources, and we don’t know the exact times or routes. It would take a lot of time" she replied wearily. Qimir, standing next to her, bit his lip before flashing one of his smiles, "Or... we could sneak in"

She sighed again "The point is the same. We don’t have the resources—"

"I’ll go in myself. I’ll cut the power right under their noses, and—" She interrupted him with a wave of her hand.

"Do you realize what you’re saying? Sneaking in like a thief, and then what? Even if I let you do it, they could still escape, and..." He circled the desk, positioning himself in front of her, his back to me, so I barely heard what he said "No one said we need them alive—"

A sudden thud made me jump. I pressed my hands to my mouth, paralyzed, afraid they had heard me "No. Stop this nonsense, Qimir."

I don’t know what they said after that, I was too busy slipping back into my room, the conversation I had just overheard spinning in my head.

Sometimes, as a Jedi, you had to make drastic choices, right?

Or at least, it seemed that way.

I tried to forget about it and went to sleep.

[bonny-kookoo]

oh my GOD ninny- i LOVED the fricking drabble for princess! Please, force feed us more!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Let's see.. oh yeah, how about I tell you about the time he put MC on her fridge?

"We bought that for the entire week, not just today." Jungkook scolds you, closing the fridge again right into your face. "You can't just eat everything at once." He explains, and you cross your arms, annoyed.

"It's not like I don't have the money for it." You huff, glaring at him. "It wasn't even all that expensive-"

"But it's wasteful." He argues. "You'll open all the packages, and then stuff gets bad quicker. Wasting food is a no-go." He denies you, and nod after a moment, feeling a bit ashamed about it.

Jungkook is really trying to help you get used to a normal life- because he plans on making that a possibility for you, once he gets you out of that slave contract. And its obvious he, to some degree, has to start at the very basics of living on your own, and that includes things such as this. You've never learned how to pace your emotions at all, and so he can't blame you for getting so overly excited about all the groceries you bought today- wanting to eat them all at once, no feeling of hunger or appetite at all.

Or more so, you have a constant appetite, at all times- but no idea how to really listen to your body if it's just a craving, or genuine hunger.

And it's not just food you seem to have this problem with- it's also other aspects of life. Be it at dance practice where you can get so excited about things that you almost faint on him due to exhaustion, and whenever you're comfortable, you'll sleep until you get a headache from it. You have barely any feeling for time, you never got taught how to use money and how to value it, and you also never been out as much as these days with him.

He will probably forever remember that ride on the bus with you, simply because you were so in awe of everything around you. In a way, it's also interesting to him, because all the things that are normal and boring to him, are mesmerizing to you.

The second he's not looking at you however, you're back at the fridge, and frankly, he's had enough of your antics today. So with not much thought, he picks you up, and puts you right on top of the small fridge you have in your apartment, before stepping back.

"Let me down!" You argue, but he just shakes his head. "This isn't funny-"

"Never said it was." He tells you. "But you get what you deserve. I told you, you've been really testing me today, and I can really only take so much." He explains, making your curled tail unravel in shame as you realize how exhausting you must've been for him. And the moment he sees that, he walks closer again, carefully getting you back down to look at you. "I'm not angry at you. Just a little exhausted." He jokes, and you nod.

"M' sorry." You apologize, but he just pets your head playfully, before he walks towards your couch, where you sit down as well. "What're you doing?" You ask, and he shrugs, before he lays down.

"I need to recharge." He tells you. "Babysitting is making me tired, you know?" He teases, but much to his surprise, you instead quietly lay down next to him, even going as far as to cuddle up, before you wait, most likely for any sort of reaction.

But all you get, is his arm around you, pulling you in more comfortably-

quietly accepting not only the close proximity, but so much more.

[reverieaa]

A change of clothes.

Man's biggest misconception is believing that manifestation is physical, that it's your job to make sure those manifestations show up.

If they don't, you're told to persist, think about it more, affirm robotically, try harder, and as a result, you end up walking in a trap of repeating and failing that many of us were victim of.

Then you tell yourself you're probably imaging it wrong, you're not affirming enough or maybe you're just not enough for your desires.

But this is NOT what loa is, not what Nevielle was teaching and not what Edward art is explaining.

When we say assume that you have your desire, we're talking about the 4d. It's only in your inner world where you can make things happen.

The law isn't about changing uour surroundings, it's about changing you because that's all there is.

I mentioned in my previous post that when I admitted to myself that I can't manifest, I felt this freedom within me, that's because I stopped forcing myself and stopped trying to find a way to make things happen.

Many of us keep the 3d alive because we're looking for an answer, but what you need to realize is thag you can't, you as the outer man, can't make a brand new face, you can't fly and you can't make things show up out of thin air.

But in your imagination you can do all of these things can't you? You can change your face, you can fly as high as you want, you can manifest in 5 sec, you can go to sleep jn New York and wake up in Paris.

That is the inner man, that is who you are, and that means you've been manifesting successfully this entire time.

The problem is not how vivildy you imagine, how much emotion you put into it, how much you affirm, it's what you pay attention to and feel to be the truth.

When people say they get results in 5sec, they do in the inner world, assumption can only live in the inner world, that's the only responsibility.

With me saying that you can't do something in this community, you'd believe it's a lie because loa bloggers always tell you there's nothing you can't do.

But you need to accept that yhe outer man is powerless, you as the outer man can do nothing, unlike the inner man.

By doing this, you let go of the 3D because the the outer man stops looking, don't tire him and leave him be.

All you can do is accept or let go.

When you wear something you don't like and you want to change, do you change your clothes to change your reflection or do you change it to change yourself?

Start with gentle reminders throughout your day that you're free to imagine what you wish, that there is no one else but you and that what you seek is never the actual object of your desires, but the feeling of it's truthfulness, it's reality.

Many of you have terrible 3D circumstances. This does not mean you ignore your 3D but you do not react to it. Just like Edward art said, you must learn how to go on about your daily life as an observer not a reactor.

Let me ask you this, you can imagine what you want and live as you want jn your mind, and sometimes you get negative or intrusive thoughts right? And what do you normally do when you have a thought like that? You notice it and let it go the next sec right? You've observed it but you didn't occupy it, you just thought of it as a stupid thought.

Why is your 3D different from that? It's not. You notice bad things in your reality all the time, but that does not mean that you occupy ot right?

Prioritize your 4D over the 3D. It takes time when you've lived your life being taught the opposite all the time, but it can surely happen.

This way, even if you spiral, you can get back up easily because you've learned that since your reality, beating yourself up when you're down is exactly what life will show back to you.

I remember reading a certain post from @aphroditeapprenticee that I related to a lot. They said that they thought once they mastered loa they would feel like the baddest bitch in the universe but now they ende dup feeling at peace, calm and in control.

I definitely feel the same way. I thought I'd feel powerful and like no one could touch me. I tried to force that on myself, but obviously, it didn't work. Instead, through the right understanding of loa, I ended up feeling right. I don't know how to explain it, but there was this sense of euphoria in the back of my mind like everything now was alright. I felt a sense of security and treated myself with a kind of gentleness I never received before.

That is because I gave myself permission and stopped a strict mental diet of checking every thought, affirming mindlesslly like a parrot ( as nevielle would put it) and blaming myself for the 3d.

Now reading about loa does not feel like work, I get excited to read loa posts from certain bloggers that helped me understand Neville's teachings.

So, to recap this post:

your only power and responsibility you have and can have is you. There is nothing you need to change or can change, but the conception of yourself. You can only accept or deny, only feel or observe.

The way you leave the 3d alone is by leaving the outer man alone. Let him be, and don't make him go around looking for something he is too limited to see.

If you're spiraling because of it, you're either using the 3D self go look or you're using imagination to change your circumstances.

Loa isn't just a tool you use and leave once you get what you want. It's a journey that requires the death of your limited self, your previous beliefs, and the bravery to face yourself.

[indo-kindo1]

Parenting is hard.

Virgil is the oldest of all the sides nobody knows this not even patton who is considered the oldest of the whole group

Everyone has emotions that develop over time a baby usually starts off with fear or happiness they can come out crying or laughing

Thomas was always told he was a happy baby by his parents so he never questioned who the oldest was “well it has to be Patton he has a lot of my happier emotions then Logan because after the split it would make Roman and Remus younger then Janus would be a bit older then the twins right?”

Virgil always thought it was fine because he was younger bodily than everyone else he was created from the very beginning of Thomases journey in the Void of his mind aimlessly walking around sides can’t be baby’s so he was around the age of 7 it was just him and Thomas for about three minutes then…

“Wow he is so cute!” A blond boy with freckles and dirty blond hair showed off his soft baby blue eyes full of hope. “Hi my name is Emotion but you can call me Happy!” He stuck his hand out to the fear filled boy.

Fear looked at the hand and shook it the world became a lot more busy after that Brain and Creativity joined in just a few months after Thomas learned his first word.

A house appeared once Thomas became the age of 4 looking exactly like his childhood home Fear and the others grew a lot slower than regular since they need to be a bit more mature than that of the host and since Fear is the oldest he was in charge of very emotional kids.

Fear worked the house, taught Happy cooking and cleaning skills, helped Smarts with homework and even got him a book of astrology noticing how he would go back on Thomas’s memories of the night sky. Lier looked up to Fear as a father figure and loved playing with Creativity Fear had to warn them when there games would get to morbid though!

Above all Things were going good in the house.

“FEAR! Help!”

Fear leaped out of his normal looking room into the living room and seeing Lier on the ground near Creativity who is pale and passed out.

“What happened?” He rushed to his kid and kneeled.

“I Know what happened, we were just p-playing a game! And he gave Thomas an idea but he got yelled at by his mom? And then this happened!” Lier is a bit better than his future counterpart because he can control a bit when he talks.

Thomas is at the age of good and evil; the result ends up with Fear witnessing his kiddo splitting into two different people.

“Fear what just happened?” Happy came in at the wrong time.

Fear looked up and said in a soft shaking voice “nothing go back to sleep ok kiddo?” Happy did as told, tearing up for the first time ever and Fear looked back at Lier who was trembling his yellow scales shimmering from the tv screen.

“Man that fucking hurt!” Dark Creativity woke up then Light Creativity woke up to “don’t say that!”

Fear now had a lot on his hands working with five children. Happy was well… different. He took on cooking more than usual as Fear worked on helping Dark Creativity with his mental health Smarts and Happy got glasses after coming to Fear one day when Thomas was 10 saying there eyes hurt and Light Creativity has always wanted to be a prince.

Lier grew to be more of a problem he started to lie a lot in sentences and make it a issue for people to trust him Fear and Dark Creativity quickly picked up on the issue and learned the way he spoke quickly so misunderstandings can be quelled before they started.

More and more rooms opened around the mindscape and the twins claimed it was the appropriate name of the place they live!

Thomas walked down the corridors of school and there he was his first crush. That's when his mind changed and everyone upgraded.

Lier became Deceit Happy became Morality Dark to Intrusive Light to Creativity Smarts to Logic and finally Fear to Anxiety all in one month.

Things changed Deceit couldn’t change the way he talked making Creativity to lash out one day and cut Deceits scaled cheek making Intrusive mad and lash out Logic said they should be separated and Morality didn’t want that they just needed to talk it out!

This caused a issue as Anxiety tried to help them where he could but Intrusive made a side comment one day during movie night that impacted Logic “didn’t you know Logic works best not showing emotions they get in the way! Like a cock block!” Making the Logical side to become stoic and unfeeling. Making Morality more emotional. Affecting everyone else.

In the end it was Thomas that changed the mindscape forcing the place to split apart at the age of 14 so much fighting occurred it caused Anxiety to go into his first panic attack and he would never forgive himself for separating his family at the cost of Thomas.

At that moment the ground shook and everyone stopped talking seeing the oldest break shadows around the whole mindscape with his power “STOP FIGHTING!” In a flash there was a dark version of the house they live in and Deceit and Intrusive was put in there by Thomas’s mind.

Anxiety was wiped from everyone’s mind the medicine that his doctor was giving him worked and he was able to get rid of the bad panic attacks causing Anxiety to wake up in the dark side mind palace seeing this broke his heart because his only family sees him as a weak useless side.

He found it interesting that the sides all remembers things that he taught them Janus was good and calming people down and thinking things threw he was always level headed while he wondered where he went wrong with Remus he spoke his mind and most of the time made Virgil uncomfortable he loved Remus’s Dream scape a world under the stairs it made Virgil sad and happy knowing they still have a piece of each other with them.

The house in the dark side was very bad broken unsound and unclean barely any food and he was stuck with the two he never taught to cook and if he started to act like he did they might get suspicious so he stuck with whatever could pass as mildly cooked or over and avoid the kitchen when Remus tried to cook.

The only thing that made him more sad was when there was movie nights it started back up in the dark side when he woke up they sat together on the broken couch and watched some show that Thomas seen.

“Do you guys ever miss the light sides?” Virgil asked softly. Remus sitting upside down on the armrest eating a deodorant with hair in it looked up “why would we miss them? There was as wet as a dog going down an alleyway just for some gang to come up and take his legs off and leave it there for mice and rats-“ deceit interrupted “Absolutely not why would I ever?”

When Virgil met Thomas for the first time he was surprised and confused he reacted quickly making himself as intimidating as possible bringing in his dad anger also as he snapped at Thomas while also hating himself but knowing it was for the best

[frisiunia]

Papyrus is autistic!

I believe that Papyrus from Undertale is autistic. And now, I'm going to prove that!!!

With arguments!

AND REASONS!

LETS GOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, and I confirm that Papyrus from Undermourning has ASD.

Before we start...

I just wanted to state that autism is the whole spectrum. Every person with autism is different from each other, just like neurotypical people are different from each other. People can't be more or less autistic and no one checks every single known symptom. Because they're many different symptoms and as I've said - it's the whole spectrum.

+Autism is not an illness. "Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder marked by deficits in reciprocal social communication and the presence of restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior." (definition from: Wikipedia)

Reading social cues

So people with ASD tend to have difficulty with understanding some social situations and other people's emotions or completely misinterpret them. I want to also clear out that the austitic actually understand the basic emotions and how they look. Like smiling when you're happy, crying when you're sad, yelling when you're angry. But they can have problem with reading more complex ones.

However, worse understanding of social cues do not seem to aply to Papyrus that much BUT there is a reason I want to speak about it. You can get a feeling that Papyrus is more taught in this sphere rather than naturaly understanding things like this. You see, people with ASD can learn like normal people. So they can learn about social interactions like how to better understand emotions and react in certain moments.

For example, Papyrus understands that it's a nice thing to bring your friend a gift when you visit them. You can see it on the hang out with Undyne. But it feels more like Papyrus sees it as a rule rather than thinking if Undyne likes the gift. He just takes her word for it. On the hang out with Undyne, he is also able to notice the tension between Frisk and Undyne. But the way he reacts also feels like he learnt about this kind of situations and how he can deal with them.

Also after training with Alphys when he phones Frisk, you can see that Papyrus is aware that something is wrong with the doctor. He just doesn't says it outloud. It's even something that I have a problem with. I see that something is wrong with a person but I don't have courage to be straightforward about that because I'm not sure if I'm interpreting things correctly.

The situations where Papyrus actually seems to misinterpret social cues is when he's insulted. He always twists insults into something nice. It can be either because of very solid mentality that autistic people can have (in Papyrus case it's belief that he's the greatest and people would have no reason to insult him) or that he's actually aware that things others say aren't nice but he learnt that this is a way to deal with such situations. I personally think it's the first reason. Maybe it's because I myself tend to have very solid and hard to change beliefs.

Communication

So Papyrus is communicating very well, isn't he? And isn't autism a disorder that makes people unable to communicate properly?... Well, it's not like this. As I said, autism is the whole spectrum. And some symptoms can contrast with others. Some people with autism can have lower empathy and some can have higher empathy. Communicating is also one of those cases. Some people in spectrum may have difficulty with it but for example I'm communicating verbally very well. I even have very wider vocabulary (at least in my native language).

Actually, we can say that Papyrus has Asperger Syndrome which is a disorder in autism spectrum. I myself have Asperger Syndrome. Said syndrome is characterized by for example... very rich vocabulary. You can definetely say that Papyrus does use many different and fancy words. Just go through his dialogues in game!

You know what the autistic can be bad in? Lying. I personally never lie. I just find it one of the worst things that can be done. And Papyrus? He definetely dislike lying either. When he asks us about our clothes and we are being honest about it and won't change it later, he doesn't lie to Undyne and shows relief that he didn't have to lie to anyone. When we lie or tell the truth but change our armor, he lies to Undyne and visibly doesn't feel good about lying to his friend.

Hyperfixations and repeatability

Hyperfixations are very often in ASD. People with autism often obsess over very specific things.

Papyrus' hyperfixations are definetely puzzles and cooking spaghetti. Like, puzzles are the way he tries to capture Frisk with. He has bookshelf with complex tomes about puzzles creation. He's resposible for most of the puzzles we have to solve in Snowdin. About spaghetti, it's very obvious. This is the only thing Papyrus is cooking and you can see it's something he enjoys a lot even despite his food probably isn't too tasty...

Papyrus doesn't cook anything besides spaghetti and you know what autistic people often like? Repeatability. The autistic often stick to routine and plan their day. I myself like repeatablity and dislike unexpected changes. That's also what I have such solid beliefs that takes time to change and I believe Papyrus has the same. Now is about something else. First of all, Papyrus' clothes. Accoarding to Sans, Papyrus has been wearing the same clothes for months and didn't even take it off to shower. Sounds familiar... I MEAN-! I don't wear the same clothes for months, only for a few weeks and I take them off when I'm taking a shower. Papyrus' case is very extreme. Nonetheless, it proves my point.

We also can see his dislike to unexpected changes and unwillingness to try new things which are also often symptom of autism. I won't even explain it. I'll just put here parts of Papyrus' interview:

Stimming

There's not so many examples of it and the examples can be a little forced but I wanted to mention it anyway.

"Self-stimulatory behavior is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, words, moving objects, or other repetitive behaviors." (Wikipedia again!)

So stimming is used by people mostly to calm down but it's also very often symptom of ASD and also ADHD. For example, I can sometimes start moving back and forward without even noticing when I started doing it.

So does Papyrus stim? Well, here are my examples:

Stomping feet; Papyrus has animation where he does it. He repeatedly stomps his feet.

"Papyrus is rattling his bones."; it's one of narrator texts that can appear in Papyrus' battle which can also be read as stimming.

I understand if this argument was not very convincing. It was more an expansion than anything.

Childish?

Okay, okay Papyrus definetely does have some autistic traits but what if we're digging too deep into this? What if the point of his character was simply being childish? After all, he act like a child at times. He's gulliable as he proved with Flowey. He reads children picture books and he probably doesn't even read them by himself. Sans reads him bedtime stories. Besides books for children, Papyrus also has figures in his room and his bed looks like a bed child would sleep in...

No. Papyrus isn't childish. No, no, no, NO. It's often for autistic people to for example watch cartoons or sleep with plushies even when they're adult. Hell! Neurotypical people do that too.

Yes, Papyrus is naive. But people with ASD can often have problems with trust being little or too trusting.

So no. Papyrus is not childish. He's autistic. I hope I've been able to convince ya to this.

Thank you for reading<3

[princess-of-the-corner]

Had some thoughts on the "Its easier than you're making it" idea, where Kagami, due to hanging out with Chloe for reasons, realizes that she can actually be very easily directed towards less harmful or positive behavior. One just needs to approach it with firm, clear instruction, rather than relying on aggression, ideals or emotions.

Agression:

We already know how Chloe responds to aggression, she fights back, or takes a lick then comes back to fight later. punishing, shouting or beating her doesn't do anything.

All Chloe learns is that she didn't win, not that she shouldn't have fought at all.

Ideals:

Trying to reach Chloe via ideals or morals is a waste of time at least early on. Andre, who ostensibly raised her explicitly taught her to extort, cheat, bribe and threaten; the other adults in her life all suck equally much. She has no reason beyond her own lack of success to think they are wrong or immoral & wouldn't want to think that of them.

Basically, unless you are already a respected person & can communicate your ideas clearly, you are wasting time.

Emotions:

Chloe does have empathy, we see her show flashes of guilt at unintended harm or sadness or a love one suffering. But these quickly get lost if angered or are things she only expresses when alone, or when utterly overwhelmed. Chloe fucking HATES being vulnerable.

Real vulnerable anyway.

Cos she is otherwise very expressive, but its all performative. "Produce tears here, to extract concession there" thought processes; big performative actions of sadness or hurt in a context she's already deemed a competitive environment aren't liable to have an effect, as Rose saw. She's not liable to see it as anything but someone doing an act, why would someone intentionally bare their belly like that? Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous!

Plus there's there simple fact she's used to emotional neglect, cruelty from her father that's tacitly endorsed by her father & whatever it is about Gabriel that makes her nervous. She still loves these people, so clearly it shouldn't be a big deal if she hurts someone, she's hurting all the time after all.

Add in that understanding or articulating this would be beyond her skill range and you have a concoction for someone who is not going to be open to common methods of behavioral correction or improvement.

Anger doesn't just makes her fight.

Morality is utterly relative at the best of times.

Emotions freak her out, are fake & cruelty is normalized.

One needs to get her to like... Being able to so much as communicate with others without a fight or incredibly skewed dynamic forming before one can conceive of unpacking all this!

Honestly though just fucking.

Chloé's skewed upbringing means that negative reinforcement doesn't do jack shit to her. It doesn't teach the right lesson. It's never 'what you're doing is wrong/bad/harmful' it's 'you didn't try hard enough to succeed at what you were trying'

It can occasionally work if you say directly what the problem is! Like Adrien saying 'you're mean to my friends, I don't like that, if you don't fix it I can't be associated with you'. That gets her to fix things to an extent.

But people rarely do that and more often insult her. Which, given her parents' actions, means she thinks that she needs to do what she did again but better.

/Positive/ reinforcement works so much better for getting her to actually do good things! Telling her she did a good job at something. Leading her to a better solution that still gets what she wants but without hurting people.

And I know some people will complain that this is babying her and yadda yadda but yes! Baby steps! She's someone who is just now learning how to be a decent person after years of being taught to be awful! Ofc you have to treat her very delicately like a baby!

[disabledbutchblues]

it fucked me up a little bit that the only thing that people seem/seemed to find worthy about me is also the thing that disables me the most. my brain.

as a kid i was lucky to not be fully dehumanized, unlike some other disabled people (especially those with high support needs and/or intellectual disabilities), because my "intelligence"/intellectual ability was recognized and allowed people to still see me as somewhat worthy despite my (undiagnosed) disability and despite all the ways i was very annoying and weird to them. they didn’t exactly see me as human and they only saw me as a potential for something, but they still saw me as a person, i think. someone to stare at and mock whenever i displayed symptoms, someone whose emotions did not matter that much, someone to yell at when i did weird things or cried, but still someone.

my brain could potentially get good grades, could potentially produce good ideas, which meant i could be useful. i taught myself i was worthy only if i was intelligent. i had no emotional abilities, no relationship abilities, no physical abilities,… i just had my brain, that could potentially be something good. good grades, good student. read a lot of books and use clever words. am very lucky i was able to have that, i recognize the privilege. but suddenly, two weeks into high school, my brain started to. fail me. couldn’t do things i used to be able to do. couldn’t do "basic" things. couldn’t understand "easy" stuff. everything wrong, was all stuck. reading books was hard, understanding anything at school was impossible.

i just stopped functioning. i was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, then with adhd and, the worst but also the one that explained everything for me, autism. had been low support needs my whole childhood, was suddenly experiencing terrible executive dysfunction/autistic catatonia. i realized the one thing that was really wrong with me, what i had always been searching for, trying to understand why i wasn’t normal, why i couldn’t be normal, was my brain. my fucking brain isn’t like a "normal human brain." i’m disabled because of my brain (and maybe physical stuff but. not the point here).

i felt so betrayed.

i still feel so betrayed. the only moments i feel worthy as a person, the only moments i see myself as deserving of something, is when i do something clever. when i get a good grade on a test or when i analyse a book or when i learn about something. i hate myself unless i can use my brain for something deemed intelligent or useful by society.

because my body is weak and often in pain, i have no empathy, i can’t form relationships, i’m not good with coordination and crafts, i just have my brain but fuck it, of course said brain is also the source of most of my problems. i can’t do all the other things because of my brain. i hate it so much. it makes me hate myself.

i’m working on the internalized ableism. i really am. it’s also so weird because i never apply my logic to others. other humans are worthy no matter what they produce or how well they can learn/think/do things. they’re inherently deserving of rights.

but me ? i was told so many times that i was all wrong "but at least i could be clever." at least if i worked really hard i could be gifted ! i could be good ! i could maybe even be enough ! (i never was.) and i burned myself out trying to do this when of course i couldn’t because i was never gifted and my brain was never especially intelligent at all.

i just thought differently than other people, and i am lucky that for me, in some situations, it was sometimes useful. it made some things easier to learn (and others really damn hard).

it’s like i had the same intellectual abilities my whole life : as a kid they seemed high for my age, and now they seem kinda low, or at least weird. as a child i was told i was "mature" (except when i cried or showed inappropriate emotions or couldn’t tolerate normal things), now i am told i am childish and dumb and dependent and a burden and that it’s really annoying for everyone that i am so incompetent.

it’s like i didn’t grow but now life demands so much of me that i don’t even know how to do things i used to be able to do anymore. it’s like everything is wrong with me and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do with myself. i hate it. i have it so much better compared to some people and i know it but. i still hate this. i don’t know how to live

(am ok with advices or people relating or adding experiences or anything really)

[amyintherapy]

Invalidating your own trauma

A "nugget" from a recent therapy session that I keep coming back to...

My therapist said that a good way to look at your own trauma is through the lens of someone who didn't experience it that way. Because our childhood trauma is normal to us, as it's often all we knew as kids as we're often in cultural bubbles. So our friends, cousins, etc often have similar childhoods to our own, so it can feel like that's what almost the whole world is like. But it's not, of course. They said that when someone had a mom that drank everyday, they often will feel like 'everyones' mom drank too often/too much. And they can point to things like how you can walk into retail stores and find baby onesies that say "I'm the reason mommy needs wine." to show that it is "normal" to drink all the time. So they might feel like having a mother with a drinking problem is something they shouldn't have trauma over. But to me, someone who had a mom who almost never drank, and who I have literally never seen drunk even once - it's SO understandable to me that having your mom rely on drinking as a coping method, or worse - be an outright drunk, could be scary and damaging. They are going to lack emotional presence, you may not feel like they are 'in control' in the ways they should be, you might be afraid of them, you might feel like you have to step up to take care of things when they're drinking. You are likely to think its normal/healthy to use alcohol do deal with big feelings rather than learning healthier methods. Of course that's traumatic! And for me..."normal" is having a parent who doesn't ever connect with you on a deep emotional level, who regularly is frustrated with you for needing anything from them, it's feeling emotionally alone your whole childhood, not going to anyone as a child when bad things happened to you because you knew the support wasn't there. It's being desperate to be 'good' and a severe people pleaser yet still routinely getting yelled at and otherwise punished for making age-appropriate, human mistakes despite trying your best. It's having to shut down your feelings regularly as you weren't allowed to be angry, hurt or sad in most cases but especially cases that involved your parents' behavior, and being ignored or rejected on the few instances where you were so desperate as to ask for help. It's walking on eggshells to try to avoid angering the adults in your lives because if they got upset, you couldn't feel safe. I have no idea how common it is. But there are people who grew up with parents who they could go to when they had a problem with a friend at school. Or when they were scared of the dark. Or when they were sexually abused. Or when they started their period for the first time. There are children who grow up being taught how to feel their feelings not shut them down or avoid them. Who don't think twice about taking up space, because they've never had routine experiences that taught them that they needed to be 'small' to be safe. And those people would see my idea of 'normal' childhood and go gosh, of course that is damaging! Maybe even 'I can't imagine having been a child and not feeling like I could turn to my parents when I was scared/hurt/upset! That's wild!" rather than be like me and think 'that's just how it is, I shouldn't be hurt by this.'

[suzuran777]

Slow Damage: Clean Dishes Epilogue 1 Summary

This epilogue shows how Baku and Shiro met and how they eventually started living together as a couple. I do recommend reading my other blog posts which summarize the game’s plot and endings, but it’s not necessary to understand this epilogue!

Also check Slow Damage’s content warnings if you’re sensitive to certain topics, because this game is also really dark.

This epilogue starts with a flashback in which Baku is strangling Shiro. He wonders why Shiro is smiling, in a situation like this, most other people would cry, struggle or beg for their lives, but Shiro seems to enjoy it. Confused, Baku lets go of him and waits for his reaction. Shiro smiles ‘’Won’t you kill me?’’. A hand covered in blood and bruises touches his face. Shiro tells him that they are quite similar to each other, people who don’t have a place they can call ‘’home’’, who don’t really belong anywhere in this world. He suggests they should stay together, so Baku can kill him one day. Baku is not sure why he accepts his offer. Perhaps he recognized the immense amount of despair which made him wish for his death, Baku knew that feeling too well. Just like Shiro, he also had no place he could call ‘’home’’ anymore. It was the first time he encountered someone like Shiro.

After this the game skips to a different flashback. Baku was raised in mainland Japan, not in Shinkoumi. His parents worked as embalmers who took care of the bodies of those who passed away, to prevent them from decaying. They had a strong policy of being open about their work and showed it to their children as well. Therefore, death was always close to him, even when he was just a child. He was proud of his parents’ skills, but at the same time he felt lonely, after all his parents rarely had time for him. It was normal for him to come to his parents’ workplace after school, so the sight of a corpse did not faze him.

‘‘I wanted to be a good listener so I wouldn’t cause trouble for my parents, I was proud of them and their work.’‘

When he was a bit older, he started spending less time at his parents’ workplace. Two years later, during his first year in junior high school, Baku’s parents passed away in a car accident. Since he stopped going to their workplace, he only saw them in the morning and at night. He thought their deaths wouldn’t change him much because he rarely saw them, but it left a big hole in his heart. He didn’t cry, it felt like all his emotions had been sucked out of him. The bodies of his parents had been severely damaged in the accident, but Baku decided to embalm them himself. Even though he was never taught how to do it, he had seen it so often he knew what he had to do. With the help of other relatives, the funeral went by without any problems. 

After this Baku’s life started changing. He used to be a quiet and obedient child, but soon after the death of his parents he started getting into fights at school. An acquaintance had asked him if he wanted to take over the family business, but he refused and moved to Shinkoumi instead. 

‘‘Immediately after graduating high school, with the inheritance of my parents and the earnings of my part-time jobs, I started working for Clean Dishes/Sara-ya.’‘

He learned about Sara-ya from online advertisements and he was hired immediately. His job is to clean the rooms in which people have died, be it suicide or murder, but it seems like most employees immediately quit because they couldn’t handle what they would find in these rooms. Baku didn’t feel anything when he saw a corpse, he was used to it after all, which is one of the reasons why they immediately hired him. 

It was one year after he joined the company. Cleaning is usually done in teams of two people, but Baku went alone because a lot of people quit the company. When he starts cleaning the room he notices something is off. There should only be two corpses in this room, so why did he just hear the sound of someone breathing? He decides to inspect the corpses and notices one of them is in fact not a corpse, but a man who’s still alive.

Baku: ‘’I heard someone died here so I came to clean it up, why are you sleepig here?’’

Shiro says he also came here because he heard someone died in this room, but he somehow fell asleep. Baku asks him if he knew the person who passed away, but Shiro shakes his head, ‘’I just like corpses, so I came to see it.’’ After hearing this very abnormal story Baku wonders if he’s lying, who sneaks into a room and then falls asleep next to a corpse? Even for him that’s abnormal. Shiro asks him if he also likes corpses, but Baku shakes his head, he’s just used to them but that doesn’t mean they share the same interests. After this first encounter with Shiro, he meets him again a few times after that. For some reason he often visits the rooms the Sara-ya employees clean.

Sometime after this Baku gets into a fight with a group of people outside. Some other people also join the fight and that’s how he ended up strangling Shiro (which is shown in the first part of this epilogue). Baku doesn’t want to get too involved with this group, so he wakes up the ‘’corpse loving man’’, who then introduces himself as ‘’Shiro’’. Baku doesn’t know if that’s his real name, but he just accepts it, his real name isn’t Baku[1] either, that’s just what some of the cleaners at Sara-ya called him. He didn’t care what people called him anyway. Shiro doesn’t question it and calls it a cute name. After that they learn a bit more about each other, like Shiro’s job as a prostitute (which is also mentioned in the third epilogue!).

‘‘To put it bluntly, it was a terrible room.’‘

Shiro’s living situation was anything but normal and cleaning didn’t seem to be his biggest priority. He quits his job as a prostitute after meeting Baku and decides to also work for Sara-ya. Because of his strange obsession with corpses, the company also hires him immediately. They also eventually decide to live together because Shiro struggles with suicidal thoughts and needs someone to take care of him. Baku doesn’t mind being in a relationship with a man because he has seen so many corpses, gender is the last thing he cares about (thank you Baku, so romantic...).

‘‘No matter what kind of person you are, you are a ‘thing’ that will eventually rot, including myself.’‘

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[1] ‘’Baku’’ is a term used for Japanese supernational beings who are said to devour people’s nightmares. However, when they get greedy they also devour people’s dreams, hopes and desires. The Sara-ya employees joke that Baku doesn’t have any dreams or hopes, which is probably the reason they gave him this nickname. His real name is never mentioned, Shiro’s isn’t either.

I already summarized Shiro’s backstory in another blog post, but this one was also very interesting to read. Even the happy content in Clean Dishes still feels a bit bittersweet compared to Slow Damage’s happy endings. 

[thelovelymachinery]

Witches <3

I love my witches so fucking much so be prepared for a (slightly) psychotic rant!

I'm trying not to give away too much lol so wish me luck!

Witches weren’t originally a thing. They were created by Nelaria’s magic gaining a mind of its own, sending some small sections of her magic to Eozuspea, the world of humanoids and mortals. The goddess's magic slowly finds the humanoids and watches how they interact. Craving the attention and relationships that the humanoids are able to create with each other, the separate sections of Nelaria’s magic slowly learn how to become humanoids. Starting from the exterior and physical body, the speech and finally the interior. 

One thing they didn't seem to prepare for was how hard it would be to keep the physical and mental forms. Their struggles led to the humanoids struggling to accept them. The struggles of the Witches were that they couldn't retain the physical, mental, and emotional forms fully. Most witches are mentally or emotionally far younger than they actually are. An example would be Lydia Archernar who is Mentally three yet physically thirteen and Medusa Ariti who has the emotional regulation of a toddler yet is twenty two.

Due to the witches being made of magic and nothing else they need magic to survive. They can't live in a magicless world. If a witch moves to a magicless world she will either slowly begin to lose hope and eventually dissipate, her magic going into the earth making the world habitable to witches. If the witch doesn't lose hope she will eventually end up magicless, burning up all of her magic like a flame does a wick. Once a witch burns up all of her magic she will die as all she is is her magic. 

Once a witch becomes pregnant the baby slowly drains her of her magic, making the pregnancy incredibly deadly. Unlike humans witches rely on magic to live instead of food and because they rely on magic the baby in their wombs gains their mothers magic from the umbilical cord which makes any babies they carry at least half witches, if the baby would've been half witch normally the child would be a full witch with the traits of a half of what their father is. Occasionally the baby eats up all of the mothers magic, leading to her death. Having twins is almost always fatal for the mother and having anything more has never allowed both the mother and babies to survive. 

Now some goofy facts!

Witches have insane back problems because they store their magic in their breast (The men have big pecs, I find this all hilarious) (yes there is a reason) (It is a stupid reason)

Witches souls are their magic making it impossible to take a witches magic or place a witches magic inside another person (unless you're from Ceridis because they're above rules and like wtf dude?)

Witches are either blonde or brunette and they have bright magenta eyes or lilac eyes, it is caused by their magic and entirely depends on their magic strength and pureness. Even if a witch is part Pheonix or Elf or any other species with a designated hair colour or eye colour they would still almost always have blonde or brown hair.

Witches don't understand sexual or romantic attraction, they can experience infactuation and love. A witch has to either force or be taught sexual and romantic attraction. Occasionally witches are born with both but it depends on the witches pureness and generation. An example would be that Lydia June Archernar had to be taught by her husband attraction, he failed miserably and she fell in love with his daughter Katla but he technically still did it?

Witches can live off any and all magic, including godly magic and any magic from other worlds. The witches filter the magic and only get the positives with none of the negative side effects of the magic.

If a witch kisses you she knows all of the magic you know.

Characters you know or will know that are witches!

The Ariti Sisters - All of the sisters are witches (my favourite sister is Medusa or Nora-Elizabeth), Nelaria, Queen Evangeline Archernar and her wife and children.

Whitehall - The Ariti Sisters and the Archernar (og) Royal Family

Between Life And Death - Evangeline, Anastasia, Kessandra, Lydia June, Leilani, Nelaria

The Queens Blessed Daughter - Medusa, Sapphire, Catilline, Queen Evangeline, Queen Anastasia, the Archernar (og) princesses, Nelaria

The Guards Cursed Child - Amara, Nelaria

The Imperfection In Perfection - Queen Evangeline, Queen Anastasia, the Archernar (og) princesses, possibly more

The End Of The Cycle - None

A Taireth's Promise - Unknown currently

The Fates Angels - Unknown Currently

Tagging the Taglist!

@an-indecisive-nerd @wyked-ao3 @thecomfywriter @the-letterbox-archives @mysticstarlightduck

@bookwormclover @illarian-rambling @leahnardo-da-veggie @bio-blegh

Interact here to be added to the list!

Interact to Interact! (aka be cool, love me)

[eshithepetty]

Can I ask for some mp100 fic rec in this trying time

Sure!!! I've needed an excuse to close some of these tabs anyways. Took a while to compile all of them, sorry, but here ya go ^^

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• A Breach of Trust

This is a world in which Mob and Reigen’s paths have never crossed, in which 10-year-old Mob found psychic guidance in the form of the aging, retired tv personality Keiji Mogami, in which Reigen followed through on his plans to close the Spirits and Such Agency, in which a cruel twist of Mob’s powers forces him to confront how dangerous he really is.

10 year old Shigeo Kageyama has vanished, his trail instantly cold, and his case gathers dust in police archives as a kidnapping never solved. Four years pass before a chain of events causes his path to cross with that of the despondent, unfulfilled fake-psychic-turned-fake-investigator, Arataka Reigen. Reigen finds himself in over his head caring for an escaped victim of abuse who, for reasons unfathomable, has been taught to believe his very existence is a horrifically dangerous thing…

I'm sorry, I can't not include this one. It's like a whole different version of mp100 to me,,, just the way that the author explores and develops these characters, describes feelings, builds suspense and weaves everything together is incredible. If you haven't read it yet and are okay with dark and stressful topics, check it out!! Long and still ongoing u_u

• The Trolley Problem

In the aftermath of the Seasoning City Incident, tensions are high, and the future is uncertain.

As civil unrest grows and the question of what to do about Shigeo Kageyama is presented within the government, Mob simply tries to live life as normal.

However, things are rarely 'normal' for a kid with the power to rip the planet in two.

(Whether or not Shigeo presents a threat to the world at large remains unknown, but he's trying his best.)

A fic series that I haven't completely finished, but it's very, very good. My favorite depiction of Mob's handling of emotions post canon, hands down. I appreciate the way it's not so much that his issues are solved now, and more that he just has gained new ones to deal with. Feels very realistic that way. Love it <3

• a Nature so Foul

Mogami tries to prove a point.

He ends up awakening an eldritch terror.

God,,, god, this one... existential horror my beloved. The writing style and prose for this fic series is just, terrific. And the way it just handles this alternative to the mogami arc; the conflict between Mob and ???%... the emotions are described so well, it almost feels surreal in nature. A dark but amazing read ^^

• Signed Up For It

The spirit hauls itself out of the sink on knobby hands, clawing for purchase on smooth stainless steel. Black nails and stringy black hair, knotted like unspooled yarn and dripping with black viscera. It plops onto the tiled floor with the second worst sound Reigen’s heard today and gropes at Shigeo’s shoelaces.

“Oh, hello,” Shigeo says, looking down. “Do you need something?

Reigen learns what he signed up for and chooses to stay.

Wahhhh,,, this one is like blankets and hot choco on a snowy day. I love it so much,,, such a sweet exploration of Shige and Reigen's relationship, as well as Shigeo's relationship to spirits, and his relationships in general. Just a very lovely oneshot <3

• Temporary Accommodations

Due to a matter of circumstance and some near-death escapades, Mob's body gets kidnapped.

...Without Mob himself in it.

(In which the great Reigen Arataka's body becomes a sort of temporary accommodation for Mob's soul, and Reigen quickly finds out he's not really built for this sort of thing.)

A body sharing fic between Reigen and Mob. Angsty and a fun read,, I really like the way it presents Mob's powers and emotions especially, and it's great for those who like Reigen suffering, too :)

• Lens

Just when Shigeo thinks he can forget and move on, reality comes back to remind him.

The heart keeps score.

(Or, the one where Shigeo's injuries from Mogami's twisted world become scars on his physical body, and the people who love him don't let him walk alone.)

One of my favorite post-mogami arc fics. Was so happy to see it get it's final chapter recently ^_^

• Filling in the Blanks

Months after the incident with Keiji Mogami, Mob still refuses to talk about what happened inside the evil spirit's mindscape - and Reigen realizes that trying to get his soft-spoken student to talk may be an entirely improper approach.

Another post-mogami fic :) I really like how this one gradually unravels the truth to the spirits and such crew, felt cathartic,, A oneshot!

• Kegare

According to some people, Shigeo Kageyama is a walking time-bomb. And said people decide to do something about it.

In which Mob is kidnapped, detained, and isolated “for the greater good”. Of course, his friends and family have something to say about that. Now if only they could get to him before he starts to unravel.

A whole lotta hurt, followed by a whole lotta comfort.

This one is,,,, whoooof. Definitely skip if you are triggered by stuff like body horror and hallucinations and self harm and abuse. Also skip if you dislike depictions of mentally ill people committing violence, because even though I think it's understandable in this case, it still might not be something you want to read about. I like the way that it is structured however, switching between present and past pov, that way the misery doesn't become too overwhelming, and I appreciate that the healing seems to be going down a very gradual path so far. Still ongoing! And very angsty, but good 👍

• the perfect son

When Ritsu was nine years old, the monster in his closet took a very distinct shape.

It no longer looked like the demons described in folktales or the spirits his brother can see. It wasn’t a yokai or something Ritsu accidentally spotted while his parents watched a horror movie.

No, the monster looked nearly identical to his older brother, but with wild hair and white, unblinking eyes.

Ohghh,, this one's such a neat exploration of ageswap!Ritsu. I love it a lot. The depiction of his fear towards Shigeo and psychic powers in general is very good. A oneshot!

• A Little Blood Never Bothered Anyone

Reigen gets an unusual assignment from a high school gang leader named Kurata Tome. His task? To exorcise the urban legend known as Bloody Mary.

Or

Mob is a ghost and Reigen accidentally adopts the first two of many kids.

An urban legends au! Love the character interactions in this one, especially between Reigen and Tome, and the way the worldbuilding is done seems very fascinating so far. Unfortunately not finished, but still a fun little read ;^^

• A Lullaby for Gods

Takenaka usually tries to avoid hospitals, but he makes an exception when one of the few people he calls a friend gets hit by a car.

A rare takemob fic!! This one's not shippy, really, just a nice hurt/comfort, and I love it for that. Very sweet,, and I think it depicts both of them well.

• Return. Continue.

After six months in Mogami's mind world that weren't even real anyway, Mob returns to his old life.

Everything is fine.

A fic series dealing with Mob, with Teru, and both of them together as a relationship!! Also not too explicitly shippy (though it definitely is written with terumob in mind), just a very, very interesting and nice exploration of both of their feelings and how they deal with issues. Really love the characterizaton in this one. Unfortunately not finished, but still a very worthwhile read <3

• Butterfly Effect

“Go, Mob, melt it!” screeches Reigen, and Mob extends his hand, already coated with the swirling blue discs of his aura. Only-

Only he can’t exorcise the spirit, because there isn’t one, and the boy is staring at him with wide blue eyes. His hand is glowing the same yellow as the basket.

(in which Teruki meets Mob much, much earlier.)

This one is very sweet. I love the way it portrays Mob and Teru's relationship, with their little stumbles and issues. Personally, I was particularly taken by Mob feeling insecure about boring people, the way it was presented here. It's such a little thing, but I so rarely see it in fics, even though it makes a lot of sense for him. Also a good read for fans of Reigen being a dad to Teru, lol. Finished ^^

• Through Hardships to the Stars

Shigeo and Ritsu have been on the run for most of their lives, and Claw has never failed to be right behind them. For as long as they can remember, running is all they've ever known. It's all they've ever done.

But then, they stumble into the life of Reigen Arataka, and maybe, just maybe, the time has finally come for them to stop running.

Been a long, long while since I've read this one, but I remember Really loving it, in all it's angst and comfort and Mob and Ritsu's dynamic, plus Reigen of course, so I'm definitely putting it here!! Unfinished, though. I think.

• And Then There Were Two

Snapshots of the Kageyama brothers' early childhood days as told by themselves and the people around them.

Also haven't read this one in forever, but it was such a sweet and amazing fic from what i remember. Hurray for the Kageyama parents actually getting spotlight!! Love the way their family was portrayed here,, anddd this one's finished <3

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Okayyy, and that will be it for now. I might reblog and add on sometime in the future if I collect any more, but yeah! Hope any of this fits what you are looking for :)

[seafoamchild]

it's been a very intense couple of weeks. i went to gran's funeral on Sunday. I didn't really feel much about her dying until I was at the funeral, looking at pictures of her and hearing about her life. I was a bit overcome with emotion. I cried, and I never cry. I will miss her.

it was nice to see my extended family but hard to be with my parents. I absolutely hate being with both of them at the same time. it triggers me SO much, I instantly shut down. the constant anxiety about everything. the way EVERYTHING becomes about my dad's emotions.

I've had this epiphany that my dad almost CERTAINLY has bpd. like textbook symptoms. uncontrollable rage. insanely unregulated emotions. blaming everyone else for his feelings. fear of abandonment. intense, consuming anxiety. inability to be alone. seeing everyone as either good or bad.

I've always known he was not normal, but it feels so very validating to learn that he almost certainly has a personality disorder. it makes me sad and angry. I had a very traumatic childhood. my family dynamic was all fucked up. quite frankly it was abusive. my dad would explode with anger over the dumbest shit. we were constantly walking on eggshells. I remember my mom bending over backwards to make/keep him happy. making sure everything was perfect for when he got home, even going so far as telling us to be ready to smile and excitedly greet him when he walked through the door. on one hand I get it, she was scared of him and wanted to prevent a possible rage episode. but it taught me that my dad's emotions were my responsibility, if he blew up, it was my fault, that it was up to me to not set him off. it was extremely damaging.

I totally shut down because of my dad's abuse. and to this day, I continue to immediately shut down whenever I'm with my parents. they don't know the real me. they only know my protective shell. I think they truly have no idea how much pain they inflicted upon me. I showed signs of being emotionally abused throughout childhood... super withdrawn, lack of self esteem, poor social skills, aggressive towards animals. it got even worse during adolescence and I was always made to feel that I was bad. that I was the problem. my brother was also very cruel to me, which I think was his way of coping with our chaotic home life. everyone in my immediate family was banded against me, it seemed. I felt so alone, so withdrawn, so so so bad about myself. and my dad continued being an off and on piece of shit, without a single apology to anyone ever. to this day it continues. I think he is literally incapable of changing.

I have been realizing that none of this has been all in my head. it is real. I did not get the childhood I deserved. I was raised in an emotionally abusive environment. I did not feel safe in my home. and I have suffered for years from poor self esteem, self loathing, disordered eating, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. there is a reason for all of this. and it's not because I'm a bad person.

I am really trying to navigate how to make peace with myself. and how to make peace with the fact that I cannot change my dad and I cannot fix him. my life is up to me now. it's just a whole lot to process.

[sunny6677]

Hazbin hotel rewrite for funsies part 1! I haven't thought of much of a plot for my rewrite yet since I'm working on the characters, but here's what I've thought of for Vaggie and Charlie so far!

So this is Charlie in my Rewritten version! She's heavily inspired by Snow White here, and I even imagine her voice kind of sounds like her when speaking normally, or sounds like Debbie Reynolds. Charlie is sweet and overly kind in my AU—she's gentle and elegant. But she is also very composed due to being the princess of Hell, and is usually able to keep her emotions under control. Due to this though, she is VERY intimidating when enraged. And she's also kind of intimidating already since no one can ever tell what she's really thinking, but she is a total sweetheart despite usually bubbling up her emotions.

Charlie's goal is to start redeeming sinners and getting them into Heaven because she deep down doesn't wanna face her own problems, and tries to avoid confronting them by solving everyone else's problems besides her own. She sees the world the way she does because Lillith always told her very romanticized versions of tales from Hell, and hell (pun intended), even the story about her and Lucifer falling to hell was a romanticized version of it. So Charlie quite literally sees everything and everyone around her with rose-tinted glasses.

She also spent most of her time with her mother as a child due to her dad always being busy, so she never got to spend much time with him. Due to that, she holds a minor grudge against him, but is only making that grudge worse and worse day by day by just ignoring it and pretending like it isn't there.

Besides that though, some other little details about her is that she head-butts people as a sign of affection due to being a goat, and she is also very skilled at psychological warfare due to being a demon, but since she's sweet, she usually doesn't use that in any way shape or form. And despite wanting to be better, Charlie kind of sees everyone as below her even though she doesn't realize it (because she grew up as a princess and was never used to seeing others on her level). But she does learn to grow from this over the show.

She also isn't with Vaggie in this au, but Vaggie has a BIGGGGG ass crush on her due to her saving her life after she got banished to Hell. And Charlie doesn't realize just how much Vaggie dedicates herself to her in the most unhealthy of ways. Charlie usually let's Vaggie help her, and will help Vaggie if Vaggie needs help, but she's usually too caught up in her own goals to just help Vaggie without Vaggie asking for it.

Charlie also likes the color red, and used to like the taste of blood since that was what her and her mother drank when she was younger. But upon learning it was sinners blood, she didn't like it anymore, so she decided to start just eating strawberries or drinking strawberry flavored things instead. Charlie is also very good at things like the flute and the fiddle—she has an opera style singing voice. And she is also very nice to animals.

So Vaggie is like one hell of a edgelord. But not for any dumb reason. When she was in heaven, she was always very quiet and emotionless, and never usually talked to anyone. But due to how the exorcists are taught, Vaggie also has struggles with empathy and is actually kind of selfish. She is incredibly strong and muscular beneath all of her clothing. She also had white hair before due to being an angel, but her hair became black as soon as she was stripped of her wings (since that's what happens when an angels wings is somehow ripped off).

Vaggie was always very alone though since she grew up without any loving people to guide her, and never really thought of the demons as anything but pests she had to kill like she was an exterminator or something. But during one extermination, a demon child she found looked a lot like an angel child she knew back in Heaven, so she decided to let it go free. But the angels caught sight of this, and without giving her a chance to explain, they pinned her up against the alleyway and basically tormented her. And when they were done, her eye had been completely taken out and her wings were ripped off. Terrified and weak, Vaggie tried to crawl out, but passed out from stress on the sidewalk. And Charlie—who had already been going around helping hurt sinners—found her on the sidewalk and carried her all the way back to the castle she lived in.

When Vaggie awoke, Charlie was immediately kind to her, helping her with things like getting up if she was struggling and helping her with other things. And this is sort of where Vaggies little crush on Charlie begins to start. From the start, Charlie was taking care of her and helping her out. And due to this, Vaggie always sort of felt like she owed it to her in a way (since she was taught in Heaven if someone helps you, you HAVE to help them in return). So she began to dedicate herself to Charlie in the most unhealthy of ways.

Vaggie still struggles with empathy, but due to the way Charlie taught her, she tries her best to be empathetic even if it's hard. She's kind of obsessed with Charlie, but doesn't even realize it since she's so blinded by feeling like she owes everything to her. Vaggie is also still very good at fighting—and can kick ass if needed to. She also never really wields a spear unless necessary since she doesn't want Charlie to know she was an angel. So she usually uses stuff like her fists or kicking for combat, which isn't an issue since she's already fairly good at fighting.

As for Vaggies voice, I imagine she either sounds like Jane Russel, or literally just the female version of Shadow the Hedgehog lmao.

Thats kind of all I have for the both of them rn? But if I think of more stuff, I'll add to it.

[surplus-of-sarcasm]

HI NATALIA

for the questions game thingy

5, 12, 31, 32, 39

<3

HIII AURAAAA : )

ok ok here we go

5. For the longest time I've been told I can write, and I sorta knew I could, but I hadn't taken it to heart until a few years ago. So I used to write, but no one else really saw it besides the few people I showed my stuff too. I also spent a crazy amount of time on Pinterest, and starting noticing a lot of writing prompts and snippets posted on tumblr there. I acc never knew much abt tumblr before pinterest. So after looking at those screenshots for a year or 2, I decided I wanted to do the same because I wanted people who, before seeing my writing, otherwise didn't know me (aka no bias), to read my stuff. Wanted to see fr if I acc could write a story that keeps ppl hooked or not! So i started this blog a year ago, and it was a p great idea honestly ; ) 12. Aight, maybe I'm not the most qualified person when it comes to advice, being 17 and a mess, but I do know this. When you make friends, don't get super emotionally invested right from the start. Because the truth is, your very close friends will be a small number of people. The rest will be people you think of fondly, people you can have fun with, but not people you're quite intimately (friendship-wise, ok) close to. You can't have a deep connection with everyone you meet. Also, empathy is wonderful, and friendships are give-and-take but please, if you notice your "friend" ( idc how long you've known each other) is always putting themselves first, their emotions and their wants first, with zero regards to you, then don't think you bending over backwards for them puts you as their number 1. You're someone they take for granted, and it shows. You deserve better, bestie. Invest in people emotionally a little slower. Take some time to learn who they are first, and how they see you, and that "time" is likely years. And when you feel you're getting hurt, always know that sometimes walking away hurts less than holding on to a toxic friendship, no matter how long you've been friends. And walking away can vary from "investing a whole lot less emotionally" to "cutting them off" if they truly hurt you that deeply. 31. I'm saurrr messyyy, it's a problem. My room is always a mess, books and clothes all over the place and half the time I dump everything on the bed until I put it back again. The only thing I'm organised about is the fact that I make to-do lists for college stuff, files on my computer for college stuff n I make exam schedules. But otherwise, I'm all over the place. 32. 4 tabs. Which is weird. Normally I have like 10+. 39. Used to be obsessed with TheOdd1sOut (is that how he spells it, idk) because the mere idea of animated short irl youtube stories or rants was bloody incredible to me cuz I love anything animated and honestly James is hilarious. Also used to be obsessed with TedED youtube vids, because I loved the animation idea again, and they were genuinely interesting. They taught me cool stuff without boring me to death like school did. I've always been a science nerd, so these vids were just epic. Also, loved the mythology episodes, cuz I love how ridiculous mythology is. TYYYSMM for the ask, this was soo fun to do <33

Questions are from this ask game.