#it's my personal vent art and I don't want it to become something related to politics

[reikacchan]

don't give up

[applepixls]

my heart goes out to episode 3 secret life grian because I'm kind of living it right now (watch out peeps, low-key a vent incoming!)

in a stream after the big win scar says he's not sure if he could do it again, the whole being alone and having no friends thing and i kind of know what he means. as a real person its hard not having friends because you have no emotional support or people to connect with etc etc etc. in game it was hard not having friends cause he couldn't lean on anyone for resources and always had to leave home and manufacture interactions for content rather than being able to multitask and go caving with a friend (like the "i left my diamonds right here!" bit in last life with grian and mumbo. its just a mundane task but the interaction has become iconic)

but we're talking about grian now. just- the state of this man. i related a little bit too much to him in this episode. he made the diagonal staircase creature the episode before and said it looked like his brain; mush. but then in episode 3 ended up getting the task to follow his old buddy from the previous season around and just having joel go "ok lol lame. this is awkward. we're not really best friends, he's just following me around" (disclaimer: i know its just for the bit and they're good friends irl) and then to have joels new best bud (aka lizzie his irl wife-) go "HAH! you got no fri-endsss~!" (this lives rent free in my head lol) and tease him the following is a compilation of moments i related to having recently drifted from a close friend of several years :) - watching joel bond with the mounders from afar and having him just go "one second grian, we're bonding" when just one season ago they would bond and say who was boogeyman or not at the beginning of episodes - finally thinking he's got a friend because of his task, joel saying he'll "let [him] know" when he takes damage and how much and "oh, you don't want me to hang out with you?" "no but you can go hang out at the top of the helter skelter alone if you want". thinking he had a friend to turn out he didn't. (its then still socially okay and funny that he refused to leave joel alone because its all a bit for the episode) - "he's my pet" "i think we're friends. i think we're best friends" the thinking we're best friends not being mutual - "one moment, grian" as grian's trying to talk to him and joels just doing his task. its the being put off as a second priority over other friends (made me weirdly frustrated despite knowing its all made up silly improv-d conflict between grown adults who are actually friends) - "heard something about a group of friends, maybe I'm now a part of it?" its socially kind of weird to do this irl but the. knowing a bunch of people you know are a like Friend Group and wondering why you're not included - "not even this enderman wants to be my friend! im gonna cry" not that relevant just felt silly and relatable - "am i just here to clarify rules; you guys don't want to be friends?" serving a functional purpose to a group, no ones actually finding you just for you and to chat and be friends (I've gotten messages from friends just needing me to settle arguments between other friends) - (after chanting fail at mumbo) "its just me, this is why i don't have friends" the finding yourself cringe at every turn and thinking wow this is why no one likes me. yknow as im typing this im thinking "wow this is why i have no friends, isn't it? im on tumblr using it as a diary rather than making friends and speaking to them about my issues or finding a therapist to work through my insecurities." - throughout the episode just hating everything he created and wanting to destroy it - the stairs and even later the egg (not relevant to having friends. well kind of but not really. but loneliness can make you act crazy its just the art block and frustration and disappointment in yourself and your failure to have a vision and properly bring it into fruition) - "i definitely won't back down on this, I'm committing fully to the egg" i have a bad habit of running away from friendships when i get scared of any slew of things or just don't like them anymore, hence why i no longer have friends :) - the fact each time he finds something, anything, to pull him away from his whole being alone thing and distract him for any amount of time he goes and dives full in but the conversation always comes back to how he has no friends. - feeling like you'll never be capable of creating and committing to long lasting healthy relationships like everyone else seems to be, settling for short term slightly toxic (joel literally didn't want to be his friend) ones just to have someone to be around. smth smth, "we accept the love we think we deserve."

i'd originally rewatched scar's secret life and thought it would make me sad cause he spent the whole time being alone but scar never made much of a big deal of being lonely and just made comments like "that's not right. how did the guy with no friends win?" feeling like he didn't deserve the win which echoes pearl in double life saying "this wasn't supposed to happen. i wasn't supposed to have friends" like she was scared of making bonds after being rejected by both martyn and scott at the beginning and like she was actually crazy and surely deserved them both leaving and didn't deserve friends but that pattern is an entirely other thing to dig into

when i first watched secret life as it was coming out (October to December 2023) i thought i was on good terms with this friend or was at least deluded and distracted enough to think that. i haven't rewatched grian's perspective since realizing our friendship was all falling apart at the beginning of this year (mostly in march) and then running away from some other friends and becoming a weird little egg on my own. its funny how grians made up improv'd loneliness can echo real loneliness, isn't it?

im very happy he got adopted by cleo and etho the next episode.

[knifedog-machina]

Dogs As Narrative, Through The Lens Of Abuse Recovery

Written by Jude Rook-Machina on March 4th, 2024.

J: so I got into the Archetropers’ Guild discord server, saw a prompt, and immediately started writing answers because wow talking about myself is fun, I need to do that more? definitely a more informal essay than the last one, I really just copied it from discord!

Content Warning: mentions of past abuse, but it’s pretty vague and has a hopeful swing to it!

I identify with dogs, as a dog, in the metaphorical sense of like - a dog as shorthand for a beloved tool? Being a bad actor's attack dog, being used and abused, biting the hand that fed and hit you. Dogs in the way they're used in vent art, as a metaphor for loving and trusting the wrong person.

But I also identify with dogs as beloved companions, as sweet and loyal and playful and loved. I know people who adore their dogs even if they came from horrible circumstances and have bad habits from abuse, and like - it's a narrative identity for me, something that ties together very different parts of my life, the before and after.

Like, yeah okay, I'm a dog. I unquestioningly love and trust people I care about. Of course an abuser took advantage of me, I didn't know better, and she promised to love me but she wouldn't even comfort me when I was scared of the rain. But also, there are way more people in the world who love me and want me to be happy, and that's good to remember as I recover and heal and grow! Calling myself a dog means accepting the way I adore people as a neutral to positive trait, instead of becoming a paranoid mess who refuses to be vulnerable again.

I don't know how much it's a species thing, because whenever I try to picture myself as a dog it's more like the shadow of a dog, pricked ears and bushy tail and all black, no detailing. I feel Wrong about picturing myself as a more realistic dog, instead of an artistic rendering of a black dog - like for dog photography to Resonate with me, it cannot be someone's candid pics of their pet German shepherd rolling around, it has to have some kind of message intended for use, otherwise it's like. That's a normal dog! I do not identify with you, normal dog, you're very cute but that's it. You’re unrelated to my life narrative!

And I don't generally feel the need to introduce myself to people as a dog when new people hear about me, because that feels like it's more personal? like hey, I’m a dog, you wanna know why? It's The Traumas! I’m open enough about it, but I don’t want to be pushed into thinking about it, and sometimes alterhuman spaces grill you about the origin of your identity too much for my comfort? I’m talking about it now because I want to, not because I’m being pressured into sharing.

I say all that, but I do really like cultivating my doggish traits, because they're kind of just things I like already - exercise, chewing and biting as a stim, play-fighting, getting scritched, curling up in a little ball to sleep. And sometimes I like giving myself phantom ears or tail or fangs for the expressiveness of them. I feel perfectly complete without them, but I like having them sometimes! They're fun!

And I don’t know if it just has to be an archetrope? I can describe it in other ways! Poppy (@aestherians) coined a term on rair website, here, about something being an alterhuman simile if you relate to it so strongly because it reflects your lived experiences, and I think I could call dogs my simile just as naturally as calling them my archetrope. It's a useful word and I haven't seen it around much!

[equinox-86]

Rules

General

Avoid NSFW topics. Let's keep this blog clean.

Keep in mind that Tumblr is not my main platform and I don't check it as regularly as I do Instagram.

Art Requests Art Requests are always CLOSED unless stated otherwise.

If I take requests, I will announce it in a post or on my Instagram stories. Please stop asking me for free art. I never accept these requests.

I do art trades and collabs for friends and mutuals only, but keep in mind that I can't always join. I am a very busy person.

Asks

If you're rude, you'll get the boot 🥾

If you're rude, hateful or start drama, you'll be blocked. Don't even bother because I don't read walls of hateful texts and I have better things to do. Your time to type them will be in vain. Just block my blog.

I won't answer asks I'm uncomfortable with.

I may need time to respond, especially if I'm responding with art.

Keep the asks DL related.

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As of now: I am no longer comfortable talking in DMs except for mutuals.

If I don't know you, please stop treating me like a close friend or as if you know me personally. It makes me very uncomfortable.

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Tagging

This goes for tagging me on posts on Tiktok and Instagram just to get my attention to gain more views. I don't like being tagged in posts that are unrelated to me and I am asking you to stop.

I am fine with being tagged in Tumblr and Instagram bandwagon posts for OCs and such.

RPs //TBA

Thank you for reading ♥

[hesitantvampirealien]

bye!

i hope this doesn't sound dramatic, it's just... something to make everyone aware of the situation and possibly the last time i'll have any transparency with you unfortunately

you're not gonna see my thoughts here anymore unless it's something really small and/or related to an interest of mine. It's only gonna be art, reblogging things i enjoy and other things that don't say anything about me, i don't want to talk about my thoughts again

This is my most active and also most viewed account, and even though at the beginning i had this as just some random blog i would post whatever i wanted at first and vent here to avoid self harm, since i would be taking my anger out on the keyboard instead of my wrists, right now this blog has been getting big enough to cause me problems - i still have no idea how my profile suddenly started catching attention of nazi blogs - and i'm just done with how much everything i do is taken like a personal threat and i'm treated like i'm some cartoon villain, it's not a new thing by any means, i've had this happen before, i got doxxed once a while back and threatened in my personal phone number, i've had pedants talk to me like i'm an inferior being, even my own step mother had a sick obsession for demonizing me at all costs for unknown reasons, i had all kinds of inconveniences. The real problem this time is that, in all honesty, i've just become tired and hurt. I'm aging. I'm just tired of everything being escalated in order to make it all about how much i'm being a bad person who's actively causing harm to people, like everything i said caused a massive butterfly effect that will wipe out entire populations

i would like to reintroduce myself and point out a few things.

You can call me Noodle, Poison or Gerard, i'm 20 years old, and i have a few disabilities that cause me to be unable to empathize and cause me to struggle to understand things like ethics, morals, seriousness, grief, etc. I come from a less than ideal background so most of the things i learned were pure violence and a lot of prejudice in many aspects, things that i'm still trying to unlearn. My request has always been there, to be kindly taught when fitting.

The truth is that the narrative of aspd simply being a condition that gets on people's way in some aspects is not as interesting as the one of a person with aspd being a cold blooded murdeous psychopathic maniac, someone who was born evil and fated to be a monster. People don't like to be told their view on that is wrong because they're taught to fear people like me, mainly by mainstream true crime content producers like TV channels that are filled to the brim of this stereotype and constantly repeating it

To any of my friends who are reading this, sadly you'll probably just have to stay worried forever about not knowing if i'm fine or not but if it makes you feel better, if i'm posting, then i'm probably alive. I'm just kidding, you can literally just dm me and ask me if i'm fine. I won't be, probably, since i'll bottle up my emotions all over again and probably start cutting my wrist all over again because i'll be bottling up again - journaling doesn't work for me, i feel worse when i "talk to myself" in a way so most of the times writing for myself is inefficient, i'm not sure why, i just know that when i write to myself i feel absolutely ridiculous and start feeling worse because i'm self conscious about the fact that i'm a lonely loser talking to myself - and the feeling of not belonging anywhere and not deserving anyone's affection whatsoever is amplified tenfold right now, in all honesty

so i apologize if anyone first thought of me as someone who refused to conform, since i'm conforming to the mainstream right now and shutting myself up and bottling everything up again and relearning aspd shame lolol

I was told tumblr was welcoming. I was wrong

[multiplicity-positivity]

[content warning: suicide] hi. you don't have to write a whole thing for this if it would be harmful to you obviously, but we've been trying to find some advice for this and don't really know where 2 look. we have at least 3 headmates who, like, their Role Thing seems 2 have become Being Suicidal. they have personalities under this but their sui thoughts overwhelm it. all they talk about is sui. all they seem to think about is sui. we want 2 support them but its v scary when someone just turns everything u say into how they can use it to commit sui. theyre not in danger of doing this 2 the body, but its still really upsetting and we want them 2 be ok. its overwhelming and we dont know how to begin to help them. if u/ur followers have any thoughts on this it would mean a lot. ty

Yipes, this post got long and heavy. It’s under a cut…

Woof, yeah, we really relate to y’all here… we feel you and we understand your struggles. I am actually one of the parts in my system who struggles with suicidal ideation the most. I have been pulled from the front and blocked off from the rest of my system in the past because of my struggles with feeling suicidal almost constantly. I’m still learning, healing, and trying to change. It’s a process. But I do think I’m in a better place now than I was, say, two or three years ago.

So yeah, um, idk how much anything I could say might help… but here’s some stuff that helped me find at least a little more hope in life.

First, it really helped me and deeply affected me when my headmates could be real with me about how my thoughts, words, and actions were affecting them. I felt hurt and moved when they started saying things like “I value life and I value your life. It hurts my feelings and makes me distressed and upset when you bring up suicide all the time.” Or “When you talk about suicide so much it makes the rest of us nervous and uneasy. The littles don’t want to be around you as much because your nonstop resorting to suicide as a solution seriously frightens them.” Idk but for me, having these gentle, yet stern, reminders from my headmates whenever I was bringing them down helped me to start noticing when I was doing it. It can be a hard realization to have that your own thoughts and feelings can have such drastic effects on your loved ones… both inside and outside your system.

Next, having a place where I can talk about suicide or whatever has been bringing me down as much as I want also helps. I really miss therapy because I was able to just vent and cry and be vulnerable with my therapist, and he listened without judgement and without trying to force me to act in one way or another. I also have my own private journal separate from the rest of my headmates. I vent there a lot and make dark art, talk about suicide and what it really would mean for myself, my system, and my loved ones. Usually after I’ve had a chance to scrawl out everything I’m feeling, it helps me feel a bit better and a little less suicidal.

Also, getting reminders of things that I actually do enjoy has helped immensely. Yeah, I’m a suicidal part, but I also like ice cream and dandelions and music. So whenever I start spiraling and getting in a super suicidal headspace, the parts who front with me or interact with me have been encouraging me to go breathe outside for a while, or eat a tasty treat, or listen to some music that I adore. One of the littles in my system drew me a picture of a dandelion lion lol. If you know anything at all that your suicidal headmates enjoy, maybe try connecting them with those things when they’re at their worst. Make some art for them, surprise them with something small and joyous, and do little things to show them that you care about them, you value their presence in your life, and you want them to be able to find joy, even if it’s just in the little moments.

Over time, for me, those little things have built up. At my therapist’s request, I’ve started keeping a list of things I like. The more I think about it, the longer the list grows. This list of things I enjoy… that’s my list of reasons to live. It’s got stuff on it like my partner system, cookies and milk, beautiful sunsets, swimming, and things like that. Maybe you can encourage your headmates to each start lists of their own. Even if they don’t have anything they think they can add right now, at least they’ll have the space for it. And then in the future, whenever their spirits are lifted, even if it’s fleeting, they can begin to start noticing that there are things in the world that can bring them happiness.

It’s definitely a process. I still get suicidal from time to time. But I do really think that these things have helped me reach a better place. And maybe something here could be useful for your system when it comes to connecting with your suicidal headmates. We really do feel for you, and I honestly do know what it’s like to be hopeless and lost, feeling worthless all the time and like suicide was the only answer. But it’s not. And I know you know that… but hopefully your headmates can start to recognize that in the future.

One last thing - staying alive for someone else is totally valid! Staying alive for your favorite show or characters is valid! Staying alive for treats and snacks is valid! Staying alive because the alternative will hurt someone you care about is valid! One day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Y’all will make it to a place where your suicidal headmates are able to find joy in their life. I have full faith in that. And if you need a listening ear or any advice or if there’s anything at all we can do to help y’all through this process, please let us know. We may not be a qualified mental health professional… but please trust us when we say we are a system who understands.

I’m sorry if this post got rambly, isn’t useful, or doesn’t make much sense. Seriously though, I am wishing you all the very best, and from the bottom of my heart I do hope things will get better.

[dearweirdme]

you know I have always been one of the first in lines fighting to defend Tae from that rumor, I'm 100% positive that is mediaplay still but something shifted these days as in yes it was mediaplay but ultimately Tae did choose to take part in that paparazzi walk( albeit he didn't look happy at all I think I have reasons to believe that even if he was somehow coerced he probably was made to feel like he had some negotiation power too) and honestly I guess I felt more adamant to defend him bc i saw how much he tried to fight the tide and separate himself from all of that ( the wv live in the airport, these insta pic changes being the last example etc and seeing ppl disrespecting his agency and his right to state himself his own truth really pissed off me a lot ) but I started to think these last days what's the point in him doing all of that when he agreed to do that walk and he must know what would happen otherwise why did he even agreed, what is he even fighting himself doing little things to separate himself from being associated to this person when he will forever be associated,for the gp and fandom itself and as you said once this will be in the historial of his live forever? By doing all of that it's like he made us, the fans who cared for him and were paying attention to him fr want to defend him too and literally fight air because there is nothing to defend when he did that walk, when the purpose of that walk being met. I'm not saying he did any of that with the purpose of having fans fighting on his name at all, I don't think so but that's what happened, I guess I'm feeling disappointed these days bc i see no need for him to even fight against all of this when this issues reached the levels it did when he chose to do the walk. I'm also disappointed bc i think anything he might do that would have been considered brave and important about his identity before loses weight completely now, him smooching jk's cheek on the party and uploading it, him being bold etc bc no one but a small group of ppl considered delusional by everyone will see this for what it is. He can do a lot now only bc no one it's going to take him/it seriously.

I used to be pissed by Holland behavior that one time but I even kinda can get the frustration now. Tae is safe or at least has reduced the risk at a minimum now to do whatever bc everyone thinks he dates women. And some ppl be crowing him as an LGBT icon when some other idols have actually exposed themselves honestly to a lot more without any security plan to fall back into. And that actually feels like being brave and doing something. Not making everyone who supports you look like a delusional clown and make the thought of you being queer laughable to most ppl. Moonbyul being a pretty good example of someone who has been direct and brave.

Im sorry I really needed to vent, I have loved Tae for a lot of time ( not that i dont love him now but sometimes i cant shake the disappointment and the distaste of not being able to enjoy his content without seeing him being constantly related to ppl I don't like at all) and I'm open to anyone making me feel different about this situation

Hi anon!

Let me give you my perspective on this and maybe that will make you see things differently as well.

Tae is moving within certain boundaries. It is most likely that there are actual clauses in his contract that tell him what he can and cannot share publicly. That goes beyond plain saying that he is queer. That also goes for the level of queerness he can show through art and media. Basically I feel he is able to show queer media and art, but not adress it as such. Going beyond that would probably mean he’d be breaching his contract, which could lead to monetary penalties… and when it goes too far he could be kicked out of BTS (not that I think it would ever go that far). I think it’s possible that with this new contract, things have become more loose though. BH/Hybe doesn’t want to lose Tae, because he is one of the most popular members and losing any member would look bad. So I think there was some leverage there.

In my opinion it should not be underestimated how bad things still are for queer people in SK. Artists loose their careers over it stil. People like Holland are absolutely very brave and I hope within time there will be more and more like him. But you cannot compare one person’s choices with that of another’s. I think Tae possibly discovered his sexuality when he was already under contract with BH.. that would mean he had the choice to either hide, or to break his contract… leave BTS… and be left with a shitload of debt (because you don’t simply leave a contract). He would have no perspective of any career after that.. losing all his dreams and all chances of having any influence at all. It is an impossible choice maybe.. or maybe not.. I don’t know. Has he chosen to leave BH would his life have been easier, better? He would still have had to deal with severe homophobia. So I don’t think Tae had much options but to hide in the first case. It is not something he chose.. it was basically decided for him. Contracts are no fun anon, they basically chain them to the company in many many ways. I don’t think Tae ever had the option to be as open as Holland. And I think that is something he struggled with greatly. So if that walk was something he agreed to just because it would give him some more room to be authentic, I am absolutely not holding that against him. It doesn’t make him bad or whatever, it makes him someone who needs a bit of room to breathe.

In general I don’t feel Tae owes us much. Speaking for myself, I am here completely voluntarily and completely aware of forever being shit on by the rest of fandom. I’m of the opinion that both Tae and Jk aren’t actually fighting to be out and open.. so that probably makes my perspective on this different than yours. I think they’re just trying to live their lives and what we see of them is just stuff we pick up on.. because we pay attention. I always see myself as a bystander and not a participant in this. But.. that’s just me ofcourse.

So how did we end up here; Tae doing a walk with Jennie. Looking at it from a practical side, it was only one walk.. half an hour tops. If we assume he did agree to it and he wasn’t actually forced all the way, for him that was probably doable, and if he traded that for more freedom to be authentic.. to insert more queerness in his work (which is eventually what people will remember him by), then I think the trade probably looked worth it. Ultimately it wasn’t a fair choice ofcourse, because trading anything for freedom to be yourself is insane.. freedom should always be yours. But I do think the company possibly sold it that way.. and being used to having no freedom for years, maybe to Tae it did seem like a chance. It is ofcourse also possible they made him do this, but it’s not something I’m leaning towards personally.

It is not something Tae would’ve done/come up with himself. Tae didn’t go “yeah, I want to do a papwalk with Jennie for fame and attention”… people are right when they say he didn’t need that. He was not enthusiastic. And I think he was very over it all soon after.

The way I see it.. is that possibly Tae gave away a small part of himself to do something he felt is necessary in a broader way. His new mv is so important! To have such graphic display of queerness is so important! Especially from someone as famous as Tae. Imagine all the young queer fans he has seeing that! Tae knows what kind of influence he has. He has probably missed seeing representation like that himself when he was younger. I think this is what matters to him most and personally I just applaud him for that. Taennie will be nothing but a blimp on our radar in a few years, but his songs and mv’s… I think those will have an actual impact on many lives.

[delta-lethonomia]

Minor livejournal-style vent/depression rant under the cut, thoughts about trauma's effect on writing:

(No need for sympathy, just yelling into the void lol. Plenty of trigger warnings...)

Listening to: Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics

Man, I know it's just hormones + low-key depression, but my brain's in a real simmering "everything you work on sucks, you'll never have a career nor the respect of your peers, you'll probably get cancer too because why not, we all die, and you should start a fight with [husband] so he can go marry someone who actually financially contributes to the household instead of bringing a bucketload of family and personal trauma to the table" type vibe. Which-

-is such a braindead take??? What 🤌 The 🤌 Fuck 🤌 brain 🤌

I know it's the ~trauma response~ talking here with the desire to set my life on fire because clearly I've been too relaxed lately, but I'm not twenty anymore so stop👏 it 👏 ugh. I know better, but it's an endless fight until the last of that programming gets eradicated.

Anyway, the last time one of my parents died, I drank a bunch and then the pandemic hit 2 months later so that was nice, relaxing, and validating tbh. Unfortunately I also gained a bunch of weight I never managed to shake off afterwards so I'd rather not go that route again. Also someone I knew drank themselves to death at age 30? So uh. Unpleasant. 0/10, would not recommend. Don't do that.

Sigh. The solution, of course, is to take a fucking shower and then go for a walk & get some sunlight, but I really want to get this chapter finished... the chapter, of course, where my notes explicitly state "happy fun times! The calm before the storm! Show a version of what could be, if Tav and Astarion manage to stay together and not eat one another alive."

Hmm. Real shocker that I'm struggling with it. The draft is 4.5k and gets darker every time I poke at it. 🙄 Maybe that's the solution, throw narrative convention out the window and just write where my heart takes me, and if it leads to one of the worse endings then so be it. It's fun, too, because we haven't even hit the particular brand of bullshit that I have a lot of experience with that I know is gonna upset me lol (not cancer or death related, surprisingly enough. I contain ✨multitudes✨).

One of my favorite artists is going through hell with her own cancer, and the things she draws are incredibly fucked up and dark. I feel like there's definitely a link between personal trauma and turning that into art, so I guess it's not surprising per se that my mom's recent death is affecting the way I write FATWR, but it's just kind of sad that something I've invested so much time and effort into feels like it's become less a work of my conscious mind and more a reflection of the needs of my subconscious. That's the myth of the conscious mind for you, I guess.

Then again, art is meant to evoke emotion and help process it, so maybe going off the rails is the way forward regardless. What's the point of creating something that doesn't make me happy? So what if it ends up a few shades darker--it's already so fucking dark in the metanarrative of what's actually going on and where it's leading. Maybe some levity will organically arise elsewhere down the line...?

[kaybl]

Hi guys this isn't art related! (Sorry!! 😅) it's just a tiny vent

I will post some art later so don't worry

There's some cursing and heavy topics so please read it carefully

I hate this life and I hate how awful I am of a person, I hate the fact I look like im always happy when im actually dying inside and incredibly tired, I wanna have the ability to vomit whenever i want to just so I can stop being around people whenever I want to, I wanna stop living the gray situations that makes me gulp and cry on the floor like a fucking loser, I hate the fact I even cry because that just shows how much of a weak and miserable of a person I am, and I hate the fact I never try to get better at things and just immediately give up like if I was a dumbass that don't know how to even make a bed, I hate the fact I look and act so childish and so stupid whenever I am myself around people, and I hate how bad I look whenever I look at the mirror, not just my disgusting face but also my tired eyes that show how stupid, awful and fucking loser of a person I am. Im not mentally good, but im guessing these things just leave eventually, so I'll try to persist for a bit, I hope these thoughts eventually go away. It isn't helping the fact I am posting this shitass vent into my art account because it shows how much of a loser and attention seeker am I because I can't even create another random account to type this shit on like the dumbass bag piece of shit that I am, It's not like I even care what I say about myself, I care even more about what others think of me, specially people that I know and really aprecciate, I cry whenever I remember those people calling me a stupid idiot, it's even feels like it's true, because I do things people not commonly do because of logic sense. I get it, I have talents, I can draw, but what else? Is the only thing I'm good at just a hobby? Why can't I do other things? Like singing? Being good at math? At history? At biology? At dancing? At swimming? Am I that lazy enough to not learn anything else in my life? Is my life really that messed up? I'm young, I know, but I can't stop thinking the fact I won't do anything in the future, even if someone says to not lose hope, I have already lost hope on myself, because I know who I am, im not a persistent and very smart person, im just the regular artist you can see on your favorite app and like, it's lovely at least, having to know people like your art, even if it's just for a tiny second, looking at them glaze with their eyes your own art, the thing you did for fun, it's truly amazing seeing people like your art, it feels you are happy for a tiny second. But yeah, back to where I was, I don't even have another thing to do, I just lay on my bed like a bag of trash, looking through my phone and wasting time of my life instead of actually doing something, and I hate myself for ir, for the fact I can't fucking stand up because I simply don't want to, because I have given up already, because im just that much of a weak, stupid, awful, disgusting, exhausting of a person. I like the fact my cat bites me because that shows how miserable of a person I have become that I don't even really mind something to hurt me, as long as the shit doesn't kill me I'm alright

Thanks for reading. Have a great day/afternoon/night 💖

[spider-mar2004]

Sum freshy info of ma boi Kaine 💪

Alright alright i'mma tell some HCs/Extra info about my Alt! Kaine Parker cause why not? First all, Kaine is literally almost forgotten Spider-Man variant! (Idk fully his lore but i mean i love him!) And he deserves love too! More like Ben too!

Reminder: This info about is different than the other kaines! (The 1610 i think and the 616, there is also one named earth-982 but idk about him much sorry!)

And! Here is also fluff friend Hcs (in case he is friends with Y O U !) (If you want to know more detailed about him feel free ask me in the comments! Or somewhere, if is in DMs please ask first in comments cause i am a shy ass spider)

Okay let's started:

"With great power comes the damnation of responsibility."

- Alt! Kaine Parker [Earth-8990]

General headcanons/Extras

- Kaine can drink alcohol, actually sometimes he drinks beer for relax his silent stress.

- When he wants learn a new language (althought he is very lazy at that) he learns the swear words first and only.

- He is always that dude stands in a corner when he is on parties.

- (canon) He is 7ft! OH DAMN BIG BOI! of course his appearance even without suit can intimidate someone easily. But, in general he can be a gentle giant! Only for his trusted ones lol.

- He loves watch action theme movies, anything related with weapons, wars, violence, etc.

- Kaine very hates hear really bad jokes, when he hear one, he quickly would leave you alone.

- His favorite music genres are rock metal and sometimes phonk.

- Kaine is gamer, expert on shooting games especially but sadly, he doesn't have much time for it.

- Cat person. Just that. Loves cats more than dogs.

- He is okay with spiders, actually put a tarantula on him, and he would just react normal, no scared or anything.

Friend Platonic Headcanons:

- If you are sad or need someone to rant/vent, he would be all ears. Although won't talk much cause he doen't really know how to help, but yes listen you so that's fair.

- He is serious and intimidating, yes. But with you as friend, he can be gentle. Well GIANT gentle.

- Kaine would be indeed leave hurting the person who hurts you, and if they make you cry. Oh well, they chosen death (He can kill but he does secretly).

- Need buy something but no enough money? Kaine can help you (depends the price of the thing of course), he doesn't mind spend a bit money on you. After all is not really interested to be rich or something.

- Oh you are going late for job/university! Don't worry! Kaine as he puts his suit on and becomes Scarlet Spider-Man he would without problem swing while holding you going to your job/university.

- He likes joking you offering beer. He doesn't laugh a lot but yes let out some giggles or chuckles.

Alright that's all! Sorry it won't have art cause i am in an art block sorry! : ( Anyways hope you enjoy reading my first HC blog! Enjoy! Adiós! 💕🕸💙

[acti-veg]

(a vent - if that's okay to submit here. if you don't have the energy for it I totally understand!)

I've been looking for a place to live for the next few months, until my partner and I can move in together, and I found somewhere that's... pretty much perfect! location wise there isn't a thing I don't love about it, except... it's *right* next to a cow farm. when I saw the cows in the field while walking down the lane to the address, my stomach just... plummetted. I'm sadly very used to seeing cows and sheep in fields in my area, but being next to a whole industrial farmhouse where I know exactly what happens inside... might end up giving me nightmares.

I don't want to be a person that flinches and withdraws when I encounter these things. but I truly, deeply hate living in a world (and a country, darn cursed UK) where animal agriculture is so utterly inescapable, and seems to crowd every single fridge, grocery store and forest-turned-field. I hate not being able to travel any amount of distance before getting slapped with it again - and I know I shouldn't ultimately *want* to escape it. I want to be able to look it in the eye for what it really is, and do what is in my power in this life to challenge it.

I'm not quite in an activism-ready state of mind yet, though. so naturally I feel very powerless, and the idea of living next to something like that and not being able to do anything about it is just... exhausting, and terrifying. I'm going to feel it out and see if I can tolerate this kind of proximity, if at least for a short period of time. but there's a big wave of hopelessness that comes with knowing I'll never truly be able to live 'far away' enough from the nightmares of animal agriculture that I could at least stop thinking about it for a while.

I'm mostly sharing this with the hopes that someone might be able to relate. I could really do with breaking out of the grim isolation of it all. I'm thinking about reading the Vystopia book to work through the feelings a bit. if anyone else has any insight or thoughts, I'd really appreciate them.

thank you for reading!

I think this may end up having a bigger impact on your wellbeing than you might realise, mostly in terms of your mental health but there is also pollution and noise to consider. I would strongly consider looking at other options, even if they offer less, because I just don't think this is something you'll be able to learn to live with.

In terms of living as a vegan in an anti-animal world, that is a difficulty we all share, and there is nothing I can say to make that burden any lighter for you. You will not find a vegan who does not feel this to some extent. Personally, I've found that activism does help channel that frustration and anger into something positive, and I've also found that spending time with animals who aren't farmed - whether it's a rescue centre, sanctuary etc. can be enormously uplifting. It helps remind us who we're fighting for, and helps reframe your veganism in a positive way.

My advice would be to just generally try to experience and learn about animals in a positive way - read books about their intelligence, how they live in nature, make art, write, read positive books about animals. I think as vegans sometimes we can fall into the trap of only really thinking about animals in terms of their oppression, and as important as that is to recognise and learn about, if that is all you are engagaging with then you will burn out very quickly. I'd recommend checking out this talk on that topic - it's about activism but I think it applies to veganism more generally.

I hope you find a way to work through this anon, again it's something we all go through so you're very much not alone. Engage with animals positively, engage with other vegans and become involved in the community - whatever you can do to celebrate your veganism, rather than just experiencing it as a burden, which is a trap that is all too easy to fall into.

[tophat-cy]

It's that time of the year again, huh?

Hello everyone! Here is TopHat_Cy with probably the last Tumblr post of this year. Since 2023 is coming to a close, I'll just put down a little summary of the experiences I had this year. Let's get started ^v^ ✨💗!

⚠️CW/TW since there may possibly be some ranting and/or venting at some points⚠️

To be honest here, 2023 was pretty rough, and I'm not talking about that I had the baccalaureate in June, oh no. I was honestly waiting for that time so I can just do myself after that, right after I supported 4 years in that hellpit people called it high-school (or pedagogic college...whatever 🙄), just to get like over 3 months later on a worse hellpit called college, where all my personal issues has awakened...and felt horrible and lonelier like I've never been.

Despite being in overall horrible, high-school was great because mostly because I wasn't feeling the loneliness and self misery I feel now. Now that I'm at college I get almost hit daily by the fact that 1) I'm lonely and I'll always remain lonely (since who tf wants a little antisocial freak who literally draws all day lmao??) 2) I'm worthless, mostly because my French skills (at least) suck, and a good amount of my marks suck as well in comparison with other students (and honestly I wouldn't be bothered that much about this fact if it wasn't for my mom who haves the great habit to remind me by times to make sure I take big marks only to get the scholarship, hahahaha shut up bitch), which guess what, it makes me feel ✨horrible✨, and 3) Your life is a pure lie. This is sooooooooooo great isn't it :D ??!

*sigh*

I realized within my current college experience that I'm lonely not only in society, but with my own mom. I realized I'm even more of a worst daughter than I ever thought...I realized that I'm getting more horrible as the time goes by, or at least this is how I feel. I feel like losing myself slowly, becoming into nothing but a setinent shell of the former self. With those realizations, I'm getting hit in the face once again by the most saddest fact that I've encountered so far in my life but I always tend to forget it to make myself feel better (but you know how life is...it needs to offer you some lemons in the eyes 👁️👁️)...

...the fact that my life is nothing but a pure LIE.

But hey! Can we look into the bright side of what this year offered for some hot minutes?? It's not all black and misery! I had part of wonderful and fun times with my boyfriend (we did Whiteboards and rambled about our silly stuff like two neurodivergents that we are 😁✨), I had part of several fanart moments from people, I had Art Fight (yeaaaaah, our old pal Art Fight, which kinda started to become a pain in the ass every year when I have to bring my REFs up to date for this event...mmmmmmm 😊/pure af hot sarcasm, but honestly here, do I really care :D ???), I even joined my first Original Characters Tournament, Ressurection, in which I met wonderful people which appreciate my skills and also willing to help and support. And most importantly, I had YOU! All of you! If it wasn't for you guys, I definitely wouldn't been here, sharing this thoughts with YOU. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, once again ❤️!

As a mini conclusion to all of this speech, I'll admit that this year was still decent so far, with all it's ups and downs, along with the fact that I'm returning myself at being genderfluid (hence the Pic at the very beginning of the post lmao :')) )

The latest events from this year at least made me think that being feminine related makes me feel worthless about myself, and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to be strong at its full and I want to feel and be free with who I am. I'm not the most social person, yes. I'm far off from being a great daughter, yes of course, and I'm definitely far from being the best person out alive, or at least a great one. But at least I want to do something about it, so I can have the right to say that I tried my best for real.

So, that's it. I'm genderfluid. I go by he/they/cee from now on (although cee/ceer pronouns are most likely optional, like if you want to use them, go ahead, although I'll still be ok if you used the he/they ones, just don't refer to me with she/her or any fem aligned pronouns).

🌙⭐Plans for 2024⭐🌙

(aka my favorite part from this post so far 🤓)

Just like everyone else, I have prepared some future plans for the next year and which I'd like to share with you. Here they are!

I want to make EITHER an OCT or a world-building RP server somewhere around February-March or later (I would've done it sooner, but I have to prepare for the exam session in January). The OCT thing may take a while though since I want it to be good, so this plan might get extended for 2025 as well. As for the world-building RP thing, with some effort, it could be done next year.

Returning on developing some miscellaneous projects - those being Insanity AU and a somewhat game-like concept that my boyfriend made plans about it in this year and which I'd like to develop on. Insanity AU is a thing that I've made with dustyisegg back in 2022 but discontinued it for 9 months due to [DATA EXPUNGED] and resumed it's development, by remaking the characters and their plot entirely. (Dusty if you see this tell me if you still want to work on this, yeah yeah I'm a huge procrastinator lawl 👾✨)

JToH, JToH, JToH projects - my dear and beloved JToH...(I've been in this Fandom for almost 3 years...more than I've been in the Doll Eye one, can you believe that?). Most of those projects will consist on simply designing new towerhumans, respectively redesigning the old ones. Along with that I have a comic project which I will start making it's script soon enough, other side projects that I have in my mind...and JToHVerse, which I don't know when it's that going to be started (earliest date will apparently be around 2025, but let's see how the comic project goes 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Putting some content in Toyhouse - a thing that I should worry about eventually ;v;

GET YOUR ARTFIGHT SPIRIT BACK PSYCHE 😩!!!

The last but not the least...To start developing at least one of my original storylines FOR FUCK'S SAKE 😂😂😂!!!!!! I've been waiting for this for years already hajshshdvbssb :')) I'm not sure which of them is going to come out tho. Definitely not PK though, that one will most likely get an extend to next year.

So...I guess that's it??

I'm going to assure you with two things before I finish. First of them is that, again I think, I'm fine. I'm not upset or anything. I had hard times like everyone else (maybe) this year and I had to left it out somehow. But in rest everything is alright, so don't worry about me. I will keep existing for you and for what I love ^v^.

The second thing that I will say is about this blog. Starting with January 1st, I do not allow anyone below the age of 15 to interact. I have an age now, and at this point I want to entertain people, not to babysit them. So don't get upset if you possibly get blocked, that would be one of the reasons (I hope to remember to unblock you after you get the age hhgjgjfjf 😅)

That's it guys! If you read til here, thank you very much for the attention and time spent on reading this. Hope everyone haves a wonderful 2024 and nice days! See ya around 💗💗💗!

[goldenfox3]

Personal rambling lmao

It feels a bit...silly to be posting this right after posting an art and recently after posting an art positivity post but I've always flip flopped between feeling great about what I make and feeling like. Meh. It's out there I guess. I know perfectly well notes/kudos aren't everything and you should make stuff (especially fan art/fic) for yourself first and foremost so I wouldn't say I've ever like...posted anything I didn't want to make.

But there are times when I feel like...I drew something that I knew would be more well-received over something I wanted to draw more. Or I drew because I put pressure on myself to make something to hit that high of attention. This is partially what the Blood Falcon in water vent art and the Stewart hanahaki sketch was about. Choking, drowning, the imagery is a bit dramatic but yeah. It sounds ungrateful to even say it when I have so many lovely people supporting me and what I do but maybe it's the anxiety talking when I say I feel isolated sometimes. Sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing! I have fun vibing with my homies in my gay little corner of FZ fandom!

But sometimes I do wonder if the charas or ships I'm most interested in would be more popular if like...I could draw better or push myself to interact more (that one is more related to twt) or had more followers here/on twt or even if it wasn't a gay ship (sounds silly to say I know but FZ twt has a diff vibe). It's not that there isn't anyone else interested and that no one supports my misc ship ramblings (I love and adore those of you who do) at all I just feel greedy and want to do more than shouting into the void I guess lmao. Spread it to the world or whatever. There's no need to feel down about that like getting to spread my love for a ship into the world should be a positive thing so???? Ironically enough I think twt may have made it worse bc though I (usu) get more interaction there it also becomes easier to see when the art I put the most love into (anything Falcon/Stewart or Andy/Robert) gets very little attention compared to art I put less effort into that I made more for others or randomass pieces where I'm like ???? why that one.

I know this is common and that you can't predict what people will like and funny or general pieces usu do better than hyperspecific niche ship pieces but even though I intellectually know that it's still like :( Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like "should I make this piece more gen because if I make it too obviously gay/shippy the people will be turned off". It's not like I don't make things for myself! I have tons of material I've never published lying around just because it makes me happy and sometimes I will polish it and turn it into something presentable because it makes me happy to do so. But again there's also this like...internal pressure (that no one else put on me it's just me being dumb lmao) to keep pushing out content to get my ships out there because there's very little of it (or none of it) otherwise so I feel like I have to keep pushing pushing pushing even though literally no one is pushing me but myself. Or to make things that aren't really the thing I wanted to make because it will get more attention even though attention isn't everything I know, I know.

None of this really matters in the grand scheme of life and it really sounds like I should go touch grass or something but I'm stuck inside for now because of work and school and physical pain so yeah lmao. It's that kind of situation where I think people would advise me to take a break from socmed and creating things since I do still feel happy when I go out with friends or family but to bring up the burning star analogy again, I feel that I'm burning up as I make things at a fever pace but I also feel like I'm burning up if I don't make things so. I might as well make things so I can be temporarily euphoric upon seeing what I made. It's not like I don't have other interests or people to socialize with it's just...a vague feeling of discontent about. Fictional characters of all things. Why lmfao

I know these feelings aren't uncommon for artists and envy towards other creators/putting yourself down in comparison is a common problem so it's like the conundrum of I know exactly what's wrong with me I just can't defeat it with logic lol. It's not my intention to sound ungrateful for anything I already have or to go hashtag first world problems or to like....guilt anyone or sound entitled or begging for attention or what have you...I just felt like it would feel, if not better, at least something from trying to make sense of my illogical thoughts by dumping it out somewhere.

[lemonstrashcan]

INTRO POST!

heya, the names lemon, and welcome to my tumblr!

there isn't very much here (yet), but i hope you'll stick around!

here's a list of some of my posts (still under construction!)

MY ART (tbh it's mainly doodles)

WRITING (or writing related)

wip: luminous

governent mandated chaos tag

about me 𓆝 ⋆｡𖦹°‧🫧

☆ ive reached upperclassmen status, wahoo!

☆ african-american (and starting to deep dive into aa history :])

☆ im a trans demiguy :]

☆ my main thing is to be a theatre tech (which is what I'm doing after school rn!), but im also working on/delevoping a webcomic, so you'll probably see many of my ocs here as well! im also interested in becoming a librarian so theres that as well lol

☆ cat person

☆ im litterally OBSESSED with amphibia. idc if it's been 2 years okay 😭😭 i miss themmm

before you follow, please keep in mind the following:

* as stated above, i am a minor. even if you are too, please keep that in mind before commenting or dming me something really inappropriate or really graphic. if it's not a lighthearted joke, i don't really wanna know tbh.

* as my user suggests, this is basically just a place for me to put my thoughts and ideas, as well as art and stuff. in other words this is also a personal blog as well as an art one!

*some of my posts are vents!! nothing is super bad but I kinda just have to get it out somewhere yk? SO im trying to get into the habit of putting tws before if you don't want to see it/if the topic may be triggering!

*i make typos a lot, usually in my text posts because i have a habit of typing fast (especially in posts that i make at night lol). if you see anything that needs to be corrected please let me know!!

dni if..

* generally hateful towards a specific group if people. i don't have to list our each thing because you know EXACTLY about the "ism"s and "phobics" im talking about. if your hating on/targeting a specific group of people, i don't want you here, plain and simple.

*following a similar thing, i want this blog to be a safe space! so please don't bring a bunch of toxicity here! thanks in advance!

[wclfstrife]

♡, ☼

munday asks.

♡ - what are your top five favorite things about yourself?

this one's tricky as i don't find myself too interesting.

my love & knowledge for animals, especially my dedication to advocate for misunderstood breed of dogs and small animals; rabbits in this instance. i've done a lot of research and understanding their personality, their do's and don'ts to help others realize they're not so scary as people try to make them seem. intervening as well has saved rabbits from becoming terribly ill since people like to throw them any sort of treat they get without checking if it's truly something the rabbit can have. knowledge comes from some repetition from my veterinary classes, mostly physiology and anatomy and i would share cool things i'd find out through this ( and occasionally reflect on them on related topics despite my overall shitty memory ).

dogs seem to enjoy my presence, i had a comment in one of the daycares i've worked that the dogs notably got "depressed" when i left the group for my break, and then they get all excited when i come back. i always engage with the dogs and try to get them to play with me if they're just being a pest to other dogs -- redirect them in a sense. i've had a few doggy best friends this way. 3. i can be self-taught in some things, whether that's ADHD or past experience. i was always interested in art but was on and off about it due to insecurities, but my mom asked if someone could paint this little figure of Ra, the sun god, so i offered and it turned out really well. i could never really pay attention to "realistic" art but i made sure that detail was there, all the appropriate colors and shading was there. this also applied when my other roommate asked me to repaint his staff that had a purple snake on it. he wanted to be a necromancer so of course wanted the snake to be green. this also came out very well, plus i made it glow in the dark. lastly, i've pretty much learned how to do graphics growing up and definitely see growing improvement, most of the edits/graphics on the blog is done by me. 4. i'm pretty chill and understanding? like, i'm not the best communicator but i like to listen. i've been through a lot of shit and think i can at least give a piece of advice from what i experienced, but ultimately, i just hear people out if they need to vent since i don't really know what i done or could suggest would even work for them. 5. how i even managed to survive this far tbh, i'm 25. i forget to eat and drink daily.

☼ - who are your top five favorite fictional characters?

this is pretty centered around games i've played and/or made a blog of.

Cloud.

Link -- given my current hyperfixation.

Yuri Lowell.

Noctis Lucis Caelum.

Sherlock Holmes. ( this was ace attorney fandom. )

[akindplace]

i have really bad health anciety and in genersl severe anxiety, ontop of ptsd, autism, and ocd and i dont Understand why the Fuck talking to anyone about my issues with any of the things i deal with, even a therapist, just..Does Not Work.

like..talking about my issues just makes my issues even Worse, but at the same time i need reassurance but getting said reassurance makes me more anxious and feel even worse and Guilty after a bit and i dont exactly know what to do and its frusterating as fuck.

I Want to tell friends but i dont want to like dump it all on them because im Bad with knowing when to stop talking because when im upset its hard for me to know when to stop talking because i cannot read social cues or subtext at all and thats a whole issue in itsself and i am just Overwhelmed as fuck about it

I don't know why either because it is not a professional on the area and I don't have the same personal experiences with it as you do. I think it would help if you asked the people you're talking to that they tell you if it becomes too much, and maybe discuss with a therapist how to actually get helpful therapy but also talk not necessarily about what happened but why you feel this way when addressing your issues. The thing is: completely opening up all of a sudden about your trauma is not the way to go, you should take it slowly. I did therapy for my issues with trauma and it requires different types of therapy (this one is called EMDR). There is also a process everyone goes through in therapy that when you face whatever you are going through, it's often very painful and distressing and it might make you not want to do it again. EMDR tackles this problem - the process of opening up and coping with things is very carefully done so it doesn't overwhelm you. Cognitive behavioral therapy is often practiced, but personally it doesn't help me as much as other types of therapy does and that is perfectly fine. There is DBT too that helps a lot with soothing myself. I forgot the name of the method my current therapist uses, but it works better. I don't it's healthy to put yourself in distress because what works for others doesn't work for you (which is okay because everyone's minds are different). Therapy is supposed to help, and it doesn't really help to feel so overwhelmed by talking about something that is so deep without building bridges between you and the therapist and going at it at your own pace and trying different methods of therapy too! You have a right to actually do therapy in a way that works for you, and to ask around until you find the right therapist. I know it may sound silly, but it does help me a lot to vent on my journal too. Some people do vent art too, and it gives them some release and I think it might help you, just don't vent a lot if it becomes overwhelming.

I know we are going through different things, and I hope you can find some relief, maybe none of what I said helps, maybe someone in the comments can help, maybe just sending this messaged help, but I hope it gets easier and less heavy. You don't deserve to carry this alone and in silence and I hope you find healthy ways to communicate that don't overwhelm you and that are adapted to your needs, because that is how treatment should be.

Idk anon. We're going through completely different things but I can relate to what you are feeling a lot.