#it's like. timeline fuckery. kind of.

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Books of 2025: THE DEAD CAT TAIL ASSASSINS by P. Djèlí Clark.

Tore through this today! It was very fun--I've really enjoyed all of Clark's novella-length work that I've read so far, and this was no exception. Gorgeous descriptions, neat worldbuilding in a little package, and I liked our MC (Eveen) and all of her reckless decisions (which I suppose is allowed if you're a badass undead assassin under contract and on a time crunch).

The jacket/Goodreads blurb captures the ~assassins~ part of this story really well, but I don't think it does justice to the Inherent Weirdness--there's more loadbearing magic going on that is, unfortunately, spoilery, but super cool and mind-bendy and verging on timey-wimey (is that proper usage?? sorry I don't go here).

Overall: fucked up funny weird little story! This definitely startled laughter out of me in spots, and I love that. I had a really fun time, which, per his acknowledgements, is what he set out to write. Mission accomplished, sir!

[huffle-dork]

Swap Across the CrystalVerse Chapter 7: PW Timeline

Read Swapboys | Crystal’s AUs | Read the PW Timeline

Read SITCV | SATCV Masterpost | AO3 Link

Alt lands, by himself, in a bedroom. It's not a familiar bedroom. Small, and made even smaller by how crowded it is with knickknacks. The walls are pale green. There's a desk, a wardrobe, a bed, and a small table shoved in the corner by a big window. On that table are candles, some figurines, bowls, a wooden wand, a plate with a five-pointed star drawn on it--an altar of some kind, apparently. And there's a cat. A small black one. Standing on the desk and staring directly at Alt with big yellow eyes.

Alt looks around the room and almost immediately groans out loud. He whacks the TRVLR in his hands with a scowl. "What is wrong with you?? Why are you acting up now??" 

The TRVLR briefly shows the menu screen--and the code UF-0707019PW in the corner--before the low battery icon takes over.

Then, he notices the cat and he freezes. "Oh.. hi kitty?" He can't help but soften as he pockets the TRVLR and tries to get near it, holding out his hands for it to smell.

The cat immediately bolts, knocking down a water bottle and plastic cup of pencils as it jumps down from the desk and runs out the open bedroom door. No offense to Alt. Seems it just has the zoomies. 

Alt glitches back in surprise and watches the cat jump away and can't help but laugh as he watches. Oh... tiny kitty zoomies. He remembers when Glitches had those-

Down a hallway, someone shouts. "Luna Void, I swear to fuck if you knocked over something important--no pets for the rest of the day!" It's followed by an exasperated groan and approaching footsteps. 

Alt freezes at the voice. Shit! His mind blanks on something to do as he backs up- tries to think of something to say. He's broken into someone's house! ...completely on accident but! Still!

A man walks into the room, stopping in the doorway. He has long wavy hair pulled back in a ponytail, and is wearing a black sweatshirt with a design of a cresent moon made out of various-sized circles. He looks at Alt. His eyes widen and he backs away. "Wh-whoa, hey! Hey! I-I don't know how you got in here, b-but I'm calling the police!" He's reaching into the pocket of his jeans, probably going for his phone.

Alt jumps and glitches a bit to get closer, "Wait don't please I-I can explain!" He tries to say quickly. He searches the man's face, trying to see if he recognizes it. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you I just- d-don't know where I am-"

The man freezes the moment Alt glitches close to him. His eyes, somehow, go even wider. "What the--what the fuck?" He suddenly scrambles backwards. "How did--what--I--What the fuck?!" And then he turns and runs down the hallway.

"...shit-" Alt mutters and then tries to glitch after him. "Wait!"

The man reaches the living room, where there is another man standing. This one is wearing a blue button-up shirt and has a mustache. He clutches a phone in one hand like he's ready to dial.

"JJ!" the first man shouts. "I-I don't know what's going on, but--" 

Then Alt appears in the hallway entrance. The first man spins around, gasping, and the second one jumps in surprise.

Alt finds himself freezing once again and he very slowly puts up his hands. "H-Hang on... please- I... I can explain- I'm not gonna rob you- or hurt you... I just... g-gotta figure out where I am." He swallows thickly. "Please, just, hear me out?" 

He eyes the second man, taking in the signature look of JJ and feels himself start to relax. Okay- parallel again... so the first one must be... Marvin? Cuz cat? 

The two men stare at him in shock. Slowly, Marvin backs up towards the coffee table. Then he quickly grabs a small piece of candy from a bowl and gently throws it at Alt.

Alt blinks and goes to catch it, holding it in his hands. He blinks comically back at the two men. "...uh... thank you?"

"What the fuck?!" Marvin shouts again. "You're real?!"

"Y-Yes I'm real!" Alt shouts back. He shoves the candy in his pocket and then shakes his hands, "Okay let's just.. back up. You already think I'm insane so let's just run with it!" He stands up taller and with confidence as he says, "My name is Alt Brody. I'm from another universe- a parallel one. Where the same people exist in different places. So... I know people just like you two, Jameson and Marvin."

The two of them just gape at him. Marvin glances at JJ and asks in sign language, Do you think this is a trick? Is A-N-T-I back? 

He wouldn't do something that weird, JJ says. And if it was, he knows sign, you're not hiding anything. 

"Fuck," Marvin curses. 

"...I also know sign." Alt says sheepishly. His stomach drops at they seem scared once again of someone called Anti. Of course... at least the last one was kinda nice. "...I'm... technically a parallel of... your Anti. But, I'm not like.... evil or anything. I'm a magician."

Silence. "Okay. Yeah. Sure." Marvin laughs. "If this is a prank, it's not funny. Come on, where are the cameras? How did you do those weird effects?" 

JJ just frowns at him. You're my age. You're not Anti.

Alt knits his eyebrows at JJ and slowly nods, "Yeah... you're younger than my JJ... huh." He then turns to Marvin and sighs, "It's not an effect." He holds out his arm and lets its glitch, showing it splitting into different colors and pixels before snapping back into place. "I'm magic. And also a glitch. Technically." He stuffs his hands into his pockets and looks at them. "...someone in your group... has to be magic... right? ...someone always is... somehow."

JJ and Marvin stare at the glitching. They both look weirdly pale. Marvin folds his arms, hiding how unnerved he is. "Yeah, okay, ha ha. I'm not that kind of witch. I-I-I don't know--how you're doing that--but this is a really fucking cruel joke." 

I don't think he's joking, Marvin... JJ signs slowly. 

"He--he has to be," Marvin says a bit desperately. "I-I mean--that sort of 'magic'--like in the movies--it's not fucking real!"

Now it's Alt's turn to look pale as his eyes widen. "...magic doesn't exist here...?" He breathes. Then, he pushes back his hair and slowly starts to laugh. "...oh boy... Mag is not gonna be happy..." 

He looks back at them and opens up his palm, creating a ball of dancing electricity. He tosses it up into the air and as it hovers for a second, he glitches and then changes into a mostly black calico cat that stares at them up from the floor, his strange heterochromaic eyes practically glowing. Then, as the ball falls he glitches back and manages to catch it before it zaps away into the air. "...for me, magic is real." He says quietly. "I wouldn't lie about that."

Marvin and JJ watch all this silently, their faces an identical mix of awe and shock. Then Marvin slowly walks over to the sofa and collapses on it. 

Are you okay, Marvin? JJ asks. 

P-R-O-C-E-S-S-I-N-G. Marvin signs out the word letter by letter.

JJ nods. He leans back against the wall by the door. It's like... the many worlds theory. 

You sound like H-doctor. Clearly, Marvin means 'Henrik' by that. 

My point is, if it's true, then there are infinite possibilities. Including that magic is real somewhere. 

"Fucking bejesus hell," Marvin mutters.

Alt shuffles sheepishly. "...sorry- we... haven't traveled to a world without magic before. I'm... so used to just being able to do it." His form buzzes with static for a bit, pixels vibrating off him before he forces himself to snap back together. "I guess it makes sense... we've been to enough places- about time we ended up in a place with no magic." He sighs and leans up against the doorway, "But that creates a lot of problems on my end..." He starts to take out his phone, hoping he can contact Jackie or Chase.

"This is... gonna be a lot," Marvin says. "Mr. uh... What was your name? Anti?" 

He said 'Brody' too, JJ recalls. 

"So, what? He's from a magical alternate universe where Anti is Chase's brother instead of y--" 

JJ makes a shushing sound. 

"Oh. Sorry." 

Alt’s head snaps up at this, staring at Jj with wide eyes. “…you’re brothers with Anti…?” He asks quietly. He’s very quiet for a second, trying to imagine Dr. J being his sibling but… no. Too weird. 

JJ tenses a little bit. By blood, he says carefully. Our relationship is... bad. 

Marvin rolls his eyes. "Light way of putting it."

Alt nods in understanding. 

“…it’s uh Alt, by the way.” He corrects Marvin, “don’t really go by Anti anymore… only Chase calls me that.”

For once, cell service and WiFi work. The cell service is abysmally low, but it's there. 

Suddenly two cats run into the room. The small black one from before, chasing a fluffy ragdoll cat. The black one corners the ragdoll in and jumps on top of it, causing a "mrow!" 

"Stop, you two," Marvin says automatically. "Not near the terrarium."

Alt glitches at bit back as the cats rush in but then his eyes sparkle. He kneels down, just to look at them as he grins. “Oh… such pretty kitties…!” He softly coos.

The ragdoll cat pushes away the black one, who zooms away while the ragdoll licks his paw. 

Marvin grins. "That's Luna Void and Ragamuffin. They're my babies. Them and Salazar... though I wonder if I should change his name recently." 

Marvin points at a large terrarium nearby. Inside, curled up on the floor, is not a pile of purple rope, but a snake. "I'm biased for the kitties, to be honest, though." Seems the cat talk has helped him recover from his rattled state of mind. 

Alt giggles at their names. “Great names… I have a little void at home. Her name is Glitches. …you can probably guess why.”

Alt’s eyes wander to the terrarium and makes a slight Pog face as he almost glitches over- but he doesn’t want to scare the kitties or the snake. 

“Woahhh! A snake! What a cool color!” Alt winces a bit at the name and laughs, “Yeah… not a great time for anything named from Harry Potter, huh?”

“He’s a lavender corn snake,” Marvin says, grinning. “And yeah… I’m thinking of calling him Crowley now, after a character in this book called Good Omens.” 

Did you hear they’re making a series of that? JJ comments. 

“I did! Think it’s coming out in May.” 

Alt grins happily bouncing, “So cool- snakes are cool…”

Marvin takes a deep breath. “Okay. I think I’ve processed this whole… thing. Or at least I’m functional now. JJ? What about you?” 

The same, JJ says. 

“Alright. So.” Marvin looks at Alt. “If you’re… from an alternate universe… what are you doing here? How’d you get here?”

Once it seems like the others are settled he sighs and nods, “that’s the thing… we should be home. The first time we used this device, the TRVLR.” He pulls out the device to show them, “we didn’t know our code to get home but now we do and for some reason we keep ending somewhere different! Which might not be a problem if it was just me, my brother and Jackie… but we have a hitchhiker… a villain named Magnificent. He’s also magic… and very very dangerous. And everytime we jump- we end up separated… but pulled towards parallels we know in this universe.”

“Evil magicians,” Marvin mutters. “Ooookay. Great.” 

JJ frowns. Don’t you use ‘Magnificent’ as your username on a lot of games? 

“Wha—No!” Marvin says defensively. “It’s um… that… but in leetspeak. Whatever, are you saying I’m evil?” 

I’m saying if they appear towards parallels of people they know, that’s a big coincidence. 

Alt tries to hide his laugh about Marvin’s username. 

“Okay whatever, moving on,” Marvin says hurriedly. “So we have to help you find this guy and the two others you came with? Jackie and… your brother? Chase, right?” 

We know two people with those names, JJ says. If your friends appeared near them, we can contact them. 

Alt sinks into his jacket and hides his hands in its pockets. “…you don’t have to help if you don’t want to- but… yeah they’ve most likely appeared by one of them.” 

“Is Anti an option for people you appear by?” Marvin asks. “Since you’re like him? Because if that’s the case, they could be fucking anywhere, Anti skipped town a while ago.” 

Let’s hope they don’t appear near Anti, JJ says. He would take advantage of that. 

Alt stiffens as he hears about Anti and looks up in slight fear, “h-He skipped town? Oh… fuck. Yeah they… they might end up next to him- we’ve ended up in separate countries before… fuck!”

Please don’t panic, JJ says. If your friends have powers like you they can handle him easily. 

“Can you call them or something?” Marvin asks. “Do phones work in other universes? If they don’t, we can at least check with Chase and Jackie.” 

"Y-Yeah lemme see who I can call... I think I saw I had some bars..." Alt mumbles, taking out his phone. He dials Chase's number-

————— 

Bro lands in a small, dark space that smells like cleaning supplies. What is this? A closet? Nearby, Jackie lands in an empty waiting room, with rows of chairs and a couple different hallways branching off. There’s a directory on the wall listing things that sound very hospital-like. He hears a clatter inside a doorway labeled ‘Janitor.’ 

Bro oofs and then feels around the room, laughing nervously. "H-Hey! Who turned off the lights?? Hello??" 

Jackie rubs his head and shakes off the disorientation and then perks up when he hears Bro's voice. He laughs and goes to see if he can open the door- "H-Hang on Bro-!"

As Jackie goes over to open the doorway—which isn’t locked so he’s easily able to—another doorway opens. The front glass doors leading into this waiting room get pulled open and in walks a man in a snapback cap and gray jacket. He sees Jackie right away and grins. “I don’t think you’re allowed to go in there, bro.”

Jackie jumps slightly and whips around, looking at the man that entered. "Uhh-" 

Bro peeks his head out of the closet, his own gray cap on backwards. "Yooo! Haven't ran straight into another me right away in hot minute! Sup?" He grins wide, going to shut the door to the closet behind him. 

"You and Alt are wayyy too casual about all this jumping business, dude." Jackie mumbles. 

"Eh its starts to feel less and less crazy with each jump."

The other Chase stops walking, taking in the sight of another him popping out of the closet. “Uh—What the—huh?” He stammers. 

"See dude, you freaked him out!" Jackie says, nudging Bro. 

Bro shrugs, "It gets all the weirdness out of the way!" 

And then someone else appears, walking down one of those hallways. A man with shoulder length hair and round glasses, pulling on a red jacket. “Man, fuck that paperwork,” he mutters. “Hey Chase. Hey… wait a minute.” He glances between Jackie and Bro and Chase. “Uhhhhh…”

Jackieboy and Bro both blink at the new man that enters and Bro grins, pointing, "Eyyy two for one! Lets goooo!" 

Jackie hits him again.

The other Jackie and Chase just stare at them. Then Jackie quickly walks over to Chase, giving the two a wide berth. 

“Chase, what the fuck is going on?” he whisper-shouts. 

“I dunno, I just got here! Isn’t there supposed to be a receptionist or nurse or something?” 

“I think the desk guy is on break and I ditched the nurse.”

"Hi! Totally can still hear you by the way," Bro says cheerily. "Sorry to freak you out- we're you guys! From a parallel universe!" He beams. "Don't know where the hell we are though- hospital? I guess?" 

"Probably- I've been in enough to recognize the smell." Jackie nods. "Uh sorry- to be honest I'm just as fucking lost as you two must be. But, I'm Jackie Mann- This is Chase Brody, also known as Bro Fantastic." 

Bro waves.

The two of them just stare. Chase stiffens slightly as his name is mentioned, but they’re otherwise quiet for a while. 

“Riiiight,” Jackie says slowly, clearly not believing them. “Well… good luck then. We’ve uh, actually got a thing to go to so we’ll be leaving now.” 

“We do?” Chase says, confused. 

Jackie nudges him. “Yeah. We do. So let’s go.” He looks more than a little freaked out. 

“Yeah that’s a fair reaction-“ Jackieboy sighs. 

“Oh- okay. No worries,” Bro says, letting his happy demeanor drop, “Guess you all don’t see this kinda stuff often here. Before you go though, can you tell us what city this is? Or I guess what hospital this is?” He shrugs, “We need to find some other people so it’d be nice to know. I think my cell should work here-“ 

Jackie pulls out his and nods, “Yeah I think we got bars.”

"Um... y-yeah, sure," Chase says uncertainly. "This is Southpoint General Hospital in Corrigale." 

Jackie looks at him like he's crazy but he ignores him. "Um... m-meeting up with friends?"

"...kinda yes kinda no-" Bro laughs, "I gotta find my little bro, Alt. Then- well... we gotta find a really bad guy before he... does something... bad." 

"wayyy to sugarcoat it, bro," Jackie mutters. 

"They're already freaked out I don't wanna freak em out more!!" Bro whisper-shouts.

Chase and Jackie glance at each other. "Um... one second, please," Chase says, pulling Jackie to the side. 

They're out of earshot for Jackieboy and his normal range of hearing, but Bro can still hear them whispering. 

"Okay so they're not crazy fans of mine. They'd know I don't have a brother." 

"Why do they look like us? What sort of bit is this? Are we on a fucking prank show? Who does that in a hospital?" 

"I-I don't know! But, I... I don't think they're with Anti." 

"Only Anti would be able to make makeup that real-looking, though." 

"Maybe they really just look like us? Look, can you really see Anti pairing up with someone to fuck with us?" 

"...No. I don't think he'd risk coming back into the city to do something so weird."

"...Chase I know you can probably hear them but can we just try to approach this like we're nor- okay yeah no you're not listening to me." Jackie tries to whisper to Bro but can already see his friend's eyes locked onto the other two. 

In a quick zip, Bro comes a bit closer to them- not too close but definitely closer than he was. He blinks at them and tilts his head, "You guys mentioned a guy named Anti? That's technically who we're looking for! Well- my Anti- not yours, I'm guessing. Looks like this guy has you all kinda spooked. Is he a bad guy here?"

Jackie's head whips over to Bro. His face blanches and he suddenly bolts for the front door. 

"Jackie!" Chase shouts. He glances at Bro. "I-I'm so sorry, he's--he's gone through some stuff. Jackie!" And he hurries after him.

Bro's face falls and he looks apologetic. He's frozen for a second before he rushes out after them. 

“Wait- Chase!" Jackie yells out. He then sighs loudly before rushing after him. 

Outside is a cloudy afternoon sky. Jackie presses his back against a lamp post, hands over his mouth and breathing heavily. Chase is trying to comfort him. "They said it's not the same guy, they're not with him, it's okay, nothing's gonna happen. It's okay, it's okay."

Bro slows down and tries to approach, "I-I'm so so sorry...! It's just... my brother- he's called Anti too. R-Really only by me but... I... I didn't know it would make you react like that... I promise my brother isn't anyone who would hurt you. He's... a really good guy- and magic! So... um... im... im really sorry..."

“F-funny name, hah…” Jackie leans his head back against the lamp post, moving his hands from his mouth to his chest. “I-it’s not your fault. It’s okay. This is just… really weird.” 

“Do you need a moment?” Chase asks him. 

“I’m good now. Promise.” Jackie rubs his eyes under his glasses. “S-so… your brother. His name is Anti? A-and he does magic tricks? Th-that’s cool.”

Bro looks sheepish as he nods, "Yeah... he goes by Alt now though. I call him Anti- but only sometimes. Cuz that's the name he wanted when he grew up." 

"He can do more than just magic tricks- he's a magician. He can glitch and shit-" Jackie adds. 

Chase blinks. “…glitch? More than tricks? What do you…” He trails off, realizing this isn’t the time for questions. 

Bro looks really concerned, "... You don't have to say anything you don't want to but... I'm guessing your Anti... he hurt you? I just... we might run into him... knowing our track records. I wanna know what we might be getting into. ...my brother could be with him."

“Yeah, he… hurt me,” Jackie mutters. “Our friends, too. Y-you, uh, your brother probably won’t run into him. We think he left town to avoid the police.”

Bro nods solemnly, "...I'd be more inclined to believe that normally but... one time we ended up in other countries and... and he got really hurt there so I..." He looks terrified for a second and grips his hands into fists, "..police- so he's a criminal. Okay... I... I just hope Alt didn't end up with him." He looks back at Chase and Jackie and smiles slightly. "...I'm sorry for all the trouble. We can... get out of your hair- thank you for answering our questions."

"It's okay, really." Jackie nods slowly. 

"Yeah, uh... nice to meet you. If a little weird." Chase laughs a little. 

Jackieboy laughs, “Yeah it’s a bit strange. Thanks for humoring us.” 

And then Bro's phone starts ringing.

Jackieboy and Bro seem like they’re ready to head out when Bro blinks and digs out his phone. “Oh! It’s Alt!” He quickly answers.

"Oh good!" Chase smiles a little. "Glad to hear he's alright--" And then his phone gives off a text tone. He blinks, answering it. "Uh... huh." He shows Jackie what he just received. 

A messages from a contact labeled Double J. Weird question but have you run into anyone claiming to be from an alternate universe? 

Jackie blinks. "What the hell...?"

“Chase! Are you okay?” Alt’s voice asks frantically on the other end. “Where are you?” 

Bro looks relived, “We’re okay, are you?” 

“Yeah I’m fine- I ended up with Marvin and jj- did you know there’s no magic here??” 

Bro’s eyes widen, “Really? None at all?” 

“No- they were really freaked when I got here - then they told me about the Anti here and I got scared that you were-” 

“We’re not with him. I’m with Jackie actually- and we found both of our doppelgängers. But we’re okay- we’re actually right outside a hospital. Southpoint general.” 

“Okay… it’s probably best for us to keep a low profile so- maybe we can see if someone can… drive us…?” Alt’s voice sounds disgusted at the thought. 

Bro laughs. “Yeah maybe- I can ask.” 

“And we’ll need to keep out for signs of Mag… I dunno how he’s gonna react to a world like this.” 

“…Right. Okay bro bro we’ll keep you updated…”

Meanwhile, Chase is having a text conversation with JJ. Yeah how did you know? 

Some guy showed up in Marvin's house. And I know it sounds crazy, but we believe he's telling the truth about the different world thing. 

Jackie glances at Bro and Jackieboy. "What the fuck?" he whispers. 

Chase keeps texting. How do you know for sure? 

He could do impossible things. Like teleport and transform. I'm not fucking with you when I say this. 

No yeah youre not the type Sounds like the guy is talking with his friends on the phone now. Something about meeting up. Chase and Jackie glance at Bro again. 

I think were on the other end of that conversation Ask the guys for proof about being from another world. they might do something strange. 

Kk 

"You guys... weren't being serious about the parallel world thing... were you?" Jackie asks slowly. 

Bro and Alt end their conversation for now and the hero blinks back at Jackie. “Oh no I’m completely serious.” He says, not missing a beat. He then grins mischievously. “Want me to prove it?” 

“Bro didn’t Alt just say-“ Jackie tries to warn. 

“I’m! From a world! Where Chase Brody is a superhero~” Bro laughs and then steps back into the air, hovering a little bit off the ground. He beams.

Chase's mouth drops open. The phone falls from his hand. 

Jackie just stares blankly. "I'm not... I'm not hallucinating, right, Chase?" he mutters. 

Chase shakes his head slowly. Then he suddenly bursts into laughter. "Man. Why couldn't I be born in the universe where I'm a superhero?" 

"I mean... technically... you were, I guess. And this is... you?" Jackie gestures at Bro. 

"Yeah. Yeah." He bends down and picks his phone up again. "Well. Uh. You probably don't want to fly like that for too long. Or else you're gonna end up all over the internet."

“Yeah Chase get down you’re not even wearing your mask!” Jackieboy scolds as he grabs Bro by the jacket and pulls him down. 

Bro laughs and touches down quickly, messing with his hair. “Yeahhh that’d be bad for you… don’t want that. Not being able to fly around is gonna suck ass though-“ 

“Oh boo hoo- you’ll have to be normal like the rest of us for a bit-“ Jackieboy grumbles. 

Bro shrugs, “So Alt is actually with your friends Marvin and Jj! So he’s safe- for now at least…. But that only leaves the issue of Magnificent…”

“Magni…what?” Chase asks. 

“Isn’t that Marvin’s name on Minecraft?” Jackie asks. 

“Oh my god- that’s amazing.” Jackieboy laughs.

“I don’t know, I don’t play Minecraft.” Chase says.

“You should ask JJ to add you to his server, it’s really cool, there’s a mushroom biome at spawn—” Jackie starts to ramble. 

“God- we should get back into minecraft-“ Jackie blog says to Bro. 

“Maybe if I didn’t have to keep catching this damned cat.” Bro grumbles. 

“We’re getting off topic.” Chase shakes his head. “Okay. Remembering what you guys said, Magnificent is probably the guy you’re looking for. The bad guy you have to stop. Am I right? Do you have any idea where he could be?”

Bro shakes his head, “I have no idea. We have ways to track each other- but no way to track Mag. Usually… he ends up finding his way back to us. And if this place has no magic… he’s probably gonna try to find Alt. He has the device we use to travel between worlds.”

Jackie sighs. "This is... so much." 

"W-well, uh... I can at least give you guys a ride?" Chase suggests. "Jackie can't drive, and I don't know if you guys know the bus system here."

“Yeah if you don’t mind that’d be great,” Jackieboy replies with a smile. “I know it’s a lot- a have a hard time following along when it’s stuff just in our universe-“ 

“Oh but- you guys were going into the hospital for something right? We don’t want to get in the way of that.” Bro adds.

"Oh, Chase was picking me up," Jackie explains. "I was, uh, in there for a while. But I'm good to go now." 

"I kinda wanted to stop by and check on Jack," Chase mutters. "But this feels more important. I'm sure he'd understand." 

"The question is, would he believe us?" 

Chase opens up the camera on his phone. "That's what photographic evidence is for. Hey, other me? You wanna take a picture together?" 

"Oh my god." Jackie rolls his eyes, but still smiles.

Bro’s eyes light up and he bounces slightly. “Yeah! Let’s do it!” He rushes over to stand next to Chase. 

“Dork!” Jackie calls with a grin.

"God, the dork-ness transcends universes, doesn't it?" Jackie agrees.

“Yeah- but unfortunately he’s my dork.” Jackieboy laughs. 

"Alright, say cheese." Chase holds the camera up high and does a peace sign as he takes the picture. Bro copies the gesture with a big ol’grin. 

"And we're good." Chase puts his phone away. "We can do more later. I think we should head out now. I want to meet your brother. Oh! Wait a minute. He must be an alternate version of Anti, then? A... nice one?" 

"Now that is hard to believe," Jackie says. "Oh, uh, I'm sure your brother is great, though."

Bro beams and nods. Then he messes with his hair. “Yeah- Alt’s a good guy. He’s not like a lot of Antis we meet. You’ll see. I uh- I think Alt said they’re at Marvin’s house?”

Jackie pauses. "I'm looking forward to meething him, then." "Great, that's not too far," Chase says. "Come on. I'm parked over here." 

----------- 

Magnificent lands on a carpeted floor. This is a long hallway of some kind, lined with doors that have numbers printed on them. Probably in a hotel. ...No, not a hotel. It's too... clinical for that. The magic ice holding his arms to his sides is gone. Not melted, just disappeared like it was never there, leaving only a lingering chill. 

Magnificent pushes himself up, suppressing the chill that the ice left behind. He looks around the hallway curiously. He, of course, tries to look around for any sign of magic nearby. Surely there must be something?

... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Usually he's able to sense at least some distant magic, but not this time. In fact, he almost feels his own magic more drained than normal. What the fuck? 

Magnificent's stomach drops dramatically. There's no magic here? ...oh no.

There are voices coming from around a corner. They're coming closer.

He hears voices coming and he curses, quickly using his power to change him into his Jack the Magnificent disguise. But- less showman-y and more... business like. He tries to casually look like he belongs.

A group of three people round the corner. There's a short woman with black hair, wearing a white coat, a taller man in some sort of beige uniform that kind of looks like nurse's scrubs, and a man with brown hair wearing an off-white sweater, holding a notebook and pencil bag. 

"--really glad it's been working out," the woman is saying. "I'd love to see what you're working on some time, but you don't have to share if you don't want to." 

"No, I know, thank you," the brown-haired man says. "I feel like I should show you, yes? I mean, there is the therapy in art therapy--" He's the first to notice Magnificent. And he stops short, staring at him, confused. "...Marvin?" 

The woman and other man also notice.

Magnificent stiffens. ...he knows that accent. He waves timidly, trying to seem friendly. "H-Hey! Whats up?" 

...he's so fucked-

"Um... how did you get in here?" the woman asks. She looks at the tall man. "Oliver?" 

"What? I didn't let anyone in." 

The woman sighs. She gives Magnificent--under the impression that it's Marvin--a stern look. "You know we have security cameras, right? You can't just break in whenever you want. Aren't you still paying that fine?" She's close enough that Magnificent can see she has a name tag: Dr. Rya Laurens. 

Magnificent tries his best to process this all quickly and sticks his hands in his pockets, shrugging. "What? I can't visit my good friend Schneep? Seems your security is a little lax so- you can thank me for showing you its flaws." He tries to laugh. 

Schneep blinks. "When did you cut your hair...?"

Mag blinks at Schneep and pats his hair, "Oh uh- recently. It was getting in the way... you know?"

"Oh. I thought you liked it long." Schneep looks confused, but he accepts this. 

Dr. Laurens still looks a bit annoyed. "Well... you still can't just do that. We're all on edge after what happened with Anti. You'll have to go." 

"Ah right... the Anti thing." Mag says, nodding like he understands. "Dunno why that just... slipped my mind.”

"Um... w-well, he came all this way, we can... talk for a little bit," Schneep stammers. "I-I can show him my room." 

"I don't know if we can allow that..." Laurens says slowly. "But... we can go down to the visitor's room, if you want." 

“It's alright, Henrik- I can just come back and visit another time. Properly, of course." Mag tries to smile charmingly. "Though- i turned myself around so- maybe you can least help me find the way back out?"

Schneep chuckles. "Your sense of direction is still terrible, then?" 

Laurens also smiles a bit. "Okay. Sure. Schneep, you want to come with?" 

"Yes, yes, of course." 

"Alright, then. Oliver, do you mind?" 

Oliver shrugs. "Nah." 

"Very professional sounding of you," Schneep mutters. 

"It's this way, we'll take the stairs," Laurens says, hurriedly turning around back the way they came.

"Ah thanks- 'ppericate it." Mag smiles and follows after them. 

As they walk Magnificent lingers behind, trying to see if he can probe into any of their minds... just to see what universe they're dealing with. He tries to look through Schneep's mind first.

There is absolutely no resistance to Magnificent's probing, but what he sees doesn't really make much sense. Schneep's thoughts and memories are in scattered fragments, interspersed with things that look incredible--bleeding shadows moving on the walls, eyes dangling from the ceiling, the feeling of things crawling beneath the skin--but aren't... consistent in the way real things are. The figure of a man with two-colored eyes loom large in his memories, half his face terribly scarred. Fear is linked to this figure and his cruel grins. Magnificent sees a man in a red hood screaming, arm bent at an awkward angle, and flashes of dead people's faces. There's a man with a mustache and gentle smile whose face sometimes flickers into the scarred man's, there's one with a snapback cap who's smiling at him, one with green-dyed hair who has the memory of sickness and guilt attached to him, one with a long wavy ponytail--ah, that's his other-world counterpart. The more recent memories are the most stable, many of them involving hour-long conversations with this Laurens woman, all of them taking place in this building. A hospital. But not the normal kind of hospital.

Hmm... so Schneeplestein is in a mental institution. Fascinating. But, not helpful. It seems there's no mysterious power or anything to harness here. The two-colored eyed man seems interesting but not in a way that captures his attention. Sure, he could conquer these guys minds and maybe suck their life forces if he's desperate. But... what is there to gain? Boring... hm... what to do...

They reach the first floor, winding through some hallways towards the front of the building. 

"You know they say I will be able to leave soon," Schneep says. "Not on my own, a-and not... permanently, I mean. I'm not ready for that. But for small trips into the city. Maybe we could... do something when that happens." He trails off. 

"That'd be nice, Henrik." Mag replies shortly, still caught up in his head. 

Something has been bothering Schneep about Marvin during this short trip. He's trying to ignore the paranoia, but it's hard. Is this... really Marvin?

...He doesn't think it is. There's something in the way that he walks that's off. He's too... confident. In a way that almost reminds him of... him. 

"Schneep, are you okay?" Laurens asks. "Remember to breathe. You're not breathing." 

"I-I-I am f-fine," Schneep says. "Um... Marvin has been in this area before, h-he should know where to go from here." 

Magnificent pauses as he realizes Schneep seems to be more wary all of sudden. His right eye burns bright green as he tilts his head at Schneep. "Is something the matter, Hen? You don't want to lead me to the door?"

Schneep gasps as his eye starts to glow. He staggers backwards, dropping his notebook and pencil bag. 

"Hey, be careful," Oliver says, crouching down to get those for him. 

"Schneep?" Laurens follows Schneep's line of sight--and sees Magnificent's eye glowing green. Her jaw drops. "...what?"

Magnificent starts to laugh, "Oh- did I give something away?" He chuckles a bit more and shakes his head and as he raises his head again, you can see the scars around his left eye. "Oh well... cat's out of the bag, now, isn't it~?" 

A bloom of spiraled magic appears behind him as he laughs, "Don't know what I'll do in such a pathetic world but... a puppet is a puppet~!" 

"Wh-what is--th-this is not possible--" Schneep stammers, backing up. 

Laurens reaches for the pager on her belt, about to call for security. 

Oliver pops up and pushes his way to the front, protecting the other two. 

Mag starts to approach them slowly, grinning sinisterly as he puts a finger to his lips. 

"Hush now, kittens. Don't want to alert the other normies to my magnificence just yet~" 

The effects are instant. They don't know how to pull away. They don't know what Magnificent is even trying to do. The moment their eyes land on the magic, all of them are instantly under his spell. Schneep lets out a final squeak of protest before the magic completely takes over his mind.

"Mmmm excellent job, kittens.... don't fight it now." He giggles and prowls closer. He goes straight to Schneep and lifts up his chin. He hums, "Oh... I missed seeing this face under my power~! You know, Schneeplestein... I think you can aid me quite well..." He looks at Laurens and Oliver and tilts his head. He then snaps and shoos them off. "You two. I have no need of you. Lock yourself in one of these rooms and forget me and Henrik were ever here, won't you?"

Laurens and Oliver nod. They walk over to the nearest room, with Laurens dropping her keycard on the ground before closing the door on them. 

"What will we do now?" Henrik asks quietly.

"Hm... what will we do indeed?" Mag giggles. He looks around and then hums. "We should get away from the cameras... we have a naughty cub to find." He grabs Henrik and in a snap, him and Schneep disappear in a flicker of static out of the hospital.

[banesberry-anomoly]

[quietwingsinthesky]

i do think a lot about the master & the doctor both deliberately seeking out other regenerations of each other than whoever they’re mostly interacting with. especially when they just want a chat, a moment’s truce, something that could be called comfort if they dared to put it into words. easier to do those things when, well, they’re still enemies, but the hurts are farther apart in time. ‘i’m your future, you’re my past, we’re both still hurting each other where we come from, but that’s a different me and a different you, and tonight, can’t we just play a game or share a bed for old time’s sake?’ you know?

[pitlanepeach]

Radio Silence | Chapter Thirty-One

Lando Norris x Amelia Brown (OFC)

Series Masterlist

Summary — Order is everything. Her habits aren’t quirks, they’re survival techniques. And only three people in the world have permission to touch her: Mom, Dad, Fernando.

Then Lando Norris happens.

One moment. One line crossed. No going back.

Warnings — Autistic!OFC, domestic Lamelia, autistic meltdown on page, vaguely referenced public sex.

Notes — Timeline fuckery, as in I seem to have written Silverstone twice, in the last chapter and this one too. Clearly the podium fluff is too much for me to keep track of. So... Enjoy the extra fluffiness.

2023 (Silverstone — Hungary)

The sea was warm and quiet, the waves nothing but a soft hush against the sand.

Amelia sat with her legs tucked under her, an oversized white linen shirt hanging loosely over her bikini. Her hair was wet, curled slightly at the ends from the salt water. She was squinting at the horizon, watching the sunlight paint the beach in a million shades of gold.

Behind her, Lando dropped onto the towel with two icy cold drinks, one for each of them. He pressed a kiss to the back of her shoulder.

“This place is fucking amazing,” he said.

She hummed in agreement, leaning her head against his. “Warm, but breezy. The perfect in-between.”

He grinned. “Yeah? You glad I managed to convince you to come then?”

“Yes.” She said. “I’m going to have so much to get done when we get back to the factory, but I needed a break.”

Lando chuckled and stretched out beside her, propping himself on one elbow. “Hm. I know. And now you’re relaxed. That’s nice.”

She gave him a sidelong look. “Don’t say it like that. I can be relaxed. I relax a lot.”

“…No you don’t.”

She huffed. “Shut up.”

He reached for her hand, lacing their fingers together. “C’mon. Don’t get pissed off. It’s true, yeah? You have been stressed, but you’ve also been fucking ace with Oscar. With the team. I know the car isn’t what you want it to be, but it’s a lot bloody better than it was.”

Amelia softened. She leaned down to kiss him. “Thanks, husband.”

Lando’s eyes sparkled. “Say it again.”

“Husband?”

He groaned. “God, that’s hot.”

She laughed. “You’re such a weirdo.”

“You married me.”

“I clearly have poor taste.” She teased.

“Liar.”

He sat up and kissed her properly this time — slow and warm and a little lazy. She all but melted into it, fingers curling in the fabric of his swim shorts.

They ended up tangled together on a beach blanket under the slope of the rocks, just out of sight. The rest of the world fell away. It was just them. Skin on skin, hearts in sync, breathless laughter caught in the salt breeze.

Later, Amelia rested her cheek on Lando’s bare chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“I think,” she said softly, “I could stay here forever.”

He smoothed her hair back out of her face. Stared at her, like he was memorising her all over again. “Yeah, baby. Me too.”

—

The design lab was buzzing — a low but constant thrum of voices, keyboard clicks, air vents, printers, someone’s half-muffled phone call. The kind of sensory chaos most people filtered out without effort.

Amelia couldn’t today.

She had her noise-cancelling headphones on, her iPad open to three separate CAD model views, and a mechanical pencil tapping against her knee in a rhythm only she understood.

They were reviewing a mock-up for the 2024 suspension. One of the junior engineers; bright, eager, but careless, had accidentally uploaded an outdated spec into the shared build folder.

It seemed small. A mistake, an easy correction. But it meant the last two days of precision design work she’d done were out of sync with the rest of the development team’s data.

And that meant wasted time. Faulty conclusions. A domino collapse of calculations that had been perfect in her head.

She tried to breathe through it. In. Out. In again. But the wrongness sat in her chest like a ton of bricks.

Someone, Callum, tried to make light of it. “It’s no big deal. We’ve still got time before CFD locks—”

“No,” she said, voice tight. “You don’t understand. It’s wrong now. It’s all wrong.”

Her hands were shaking.

“Hey, it’s okay,” another engineer said carefully. “We’ll fix it. It was just a wrong upload—”

“Stop talking.” Her voice cracked, sharp and sudden. “Please. Just stop. Stop—”

She couldn’t hear them anymore. The hum of the lights had turned into a roar. The feeling of her shirt collar was too much. Her thoughts weren’t lining up right.

She stood up too fast. Knocked over a pen cup. The clatter made her flinch violently.

Then she was breathing hard. Too fast. Too loud. Her eyes stung. Her palms burned.

The room blurred. All noise. Too many people. Too many things out of place.

She left. Walked straight out the door, down the hall, past the glass break room, past a surprised intern holding two coffees. She found an empty office, one of the glass-walled side rooms, and ducked inside.

Lights off. Curtains drawn.

She sat on the floor. Curled into herself, hands pressed to her ears. Shaking.

She didn’t cry, not exactly. But her body trembled with the overload — her nervous system in revolt. All she could do was breathe and wait it out.

—

Ten minutes later, the door opened slowly.

Lando.

He said nothing at first. Just slipped inside and sat down on the floor beside her. Close, but not touching.

She didn't look up.

“Callum came to find me. He’s panicking.” He said.

She let out a half-broken noise. “I hate this. I hate when this happens.”

He shook his head. “Baby—“

Her shoulders curled tighter. "It’s all wrong,” she whispered. “I had it perfect. In my head. And now it’s wrong and I can’t fix it, and they don’t understand why it matters. They think I’m overreacting.”

“You’re not.”

“They think I’m difficult.”

“You’re not.”

She finally looked at him. Her face was pale, eyes glassy. “It felt like… too much. All at once. I couldn't stop it.”

Lando reached out, slow, deliberate, and gently took her hand. “I know, baby.” He said softly. “You don’t have to pretend, though. You know that. And I’m proud of you for walking away when you needed space.”

She gripped his fingers tightly. Grounded. Fiddled with his wedding band.

And little by little, her breathing began to slow.

—

Later, Amelia returned to her desk. The office had quieted. A sticky note sat on her monitor from Oscar, in his neat, blocky handwriting.

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO HAVE BAD DAYS — Ducky

She exhaled a shaky laugh.

Callum brought her tea an hour later and didn’t say a word, just left it on her desk like a peace offering. She nodded her thanks, smile tight but genuine.

She reopened her iPad, fingers steady now. Her brain still hurt, her skin still buzzed with leftover static, but she was here. She was okay.

And she could fix this.

—

The strategy room was windowless, cold, and lit by the slightly too-white fluorescents that made Amelia’s eyes burn.

She sat near the front with her iPad open, stylus twirling between her fingers as various engineers clicked through performance graphs on the large screen. Tyre degradation, pit stop windows, stint lengths, lap delta comparisons. The usual mess of variables before a race.

Oscar was next to her, elbows on the table, listening intently. He never interrupted. Never fidgeted. Just watched. Logged everything.

When the final graph flicked across the screen with the projected optimal strategy, medium-hard-medium, Amelia tilted her head, expression flat.

“No,” she said simply.

A pause.

One of the strategy engineers, Jeremy, looked up. “You don’t agree?”

“No. That doesn’t win us anything. That gives us a decent P6, maybe. P7 if the Mercs behave.”

“And what would you suggest?”

Amelia tapped the stylus against her pad. “Soft-Hard. Big launch, early gain. One stop. Pit window between 14 and 18, if the tyres last. Risky, but Oscar’s tyre management is good enough. He’s not heavy on the fronts.”

Oscar, quiet until now, nodded. “That’s what I felt in FP2. Softs felt clean even on the heavier fuel run. Just needs the rear temps managed early.”

Amelia gave him a slight smile, not warm exactly, but approving. “Driver agrees.”

Jeremy frowned. “If we pit early, we get undercut risk. Traffic.”

“We’re already in traffic,” Amelia replied. “You think anyone’s just going to make room for us? The only way through is to make it past them before the midfield concertina sets in. That means launch tyre, low fuel window, commit to Plan A. We stay reactive. Flexible. But we commit.”

Oscar added, “And if it doesn’t work?”

She looked at him. Direct. “Then it doesn’t. But we’ve learned more than we would’ve finishing behind both Alpines.”

Silence. Then, slowly, Andrea leaned back in his seat and said, “It’s bold.”

“That’s how we race,” Amelia said.

Another pause. Then a nod from Andrea. “Alright. Amelia, prep two versions of the radio calls. One if we need to abort early. One if we push deep into the stint.”

“Already halfway done,” she said, flipping to a new tab.

Oscar leaned toward her, voice low. “You really think we can pull it off?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

“I like it,” he said, almost to himself.

She looked at him sideways. “You trust me?���

He blinked. “Yeah. I do.”

She smiled, barely. “Then we’re good. Don’t be late to the grid walk. Make sure Lando’s had some water.”

“Yeah. I will,” Oscar muttered.

As the team filed out, Jeremy passed Amelia with a nod. “You’re not as scary as everyone said you’d be.”

“No,” she shrugged. “Not scary. Just… specific.”

Oscar held the door open, glancing at her. “Will you make me cookies if I finish top five?”

“Yes,” she agreed. “With raspberries. Just don’t tell Kim. He keeps telling me off for giving you treats that aren’t on your meal plan.”

“Mean.” Oscar complained.

“Very mean.” Amelia agreed.

—

The moment Lando stepped off the scale in parc fermé, Amelia launched herself at him.

He barely got his arms up in time to catch her — she collided with his chest like a missile, legs wrapping around his waist, arms tight around his neck.

“You crazy, crazy man,” she whispered fiercely into his ear, smiling so wide it hurt. “You data-defying freak.”

Lando laughed, breathless, still winded from the final laps but suddenly full of adrenaline again. “Hello, my beautiful wife.”

She kissed him hard, not the polished PR kind, but the messy, gleeful, post-race kind that tasted like sweat and relief. Cameras were around them, but neither of them cared. Hadn’t for a long time.

“P2,” he said, dazed.

“Yes,” she said, still clinging to him. “I’m so proud of you.”

He set her down, barely. She kept one hand fisted in his fireproofs, grounding herself.

“That was such an amazing drive,” she said, quieter now. “Every lap. You didn’t put a single foot wrong. And I’m so proud of you, Lando.”

He looked at her for a long moment, his eyes glinting under the brim of his cap. “Thank you, baby. For this. You. The car.”

“Anything for you,” she whispered, leaning up on her tiptoes and brushing their noses together. “I was getting tired of you moping around the apartment and yelling at Gran Turismo.”

He snorted. “You love when I yell at Gran Turismo.”

“I love you,” she said simply.

Someone called his name, an FIA official, maybe, or one of the social team, but he ignored it for a second longer. His thumb brushed her jaw. “Meet me at the podium?”

“I’ll be there.” Watching, always watching, always in awe of the man she loved.

“I want to spray you with champagne.” He told her.

“You’re not allowed to,” she warned. “I’ll be sticky.”

“Don’t care.” He grinned.

She rolled her eyes, kissed him again, and let him go.

Later, after the podium ceremony, after she did get sprayed, and did yell “Lando Norris, don’t you dare!” on live television, they curled up together in the back of the hospitality unit, him shirtless, her in one of his McLaren hoodies, and split a tiny bottle of celebratory wine Oscar had swiped from the hospitality fridge.

“I missed this,” Lando murmured, head on her shoulder.

She brushed his curls back from his forehead. “Podiums?”

“No,” he said, looking up at her. “You. You being happy. You being here, at McLaren, with me.” He paused, and she leaned closer curiously as he gazed at her, all soft and sweet and so dearly tender. “I kept it, you know? The note you left me before you joined RedBull. The one where you called me an asshole. The booklet too, with the race notes. You were the reason for every podium I got the year after that, you know?”

She swallowed thickly. Stared at him. Reached her hand up to cup his face. “You’re not an asshole.” She whispered. Needed to say it. Needed him to know that she didn’t believe that anymore.

“I am sometimes,” he grinned lopsidedly. “But you love me anyway.”

“I love you anyway.” She whispered.

—

It started with the toaster.

Specifically, with Lando kicking the cupboard under the sink in frustration because where the hell was the toaster? and why is there no bloody counter space anymore?

“I moved it because your smoothie machine was leaking again,” Amelia said from the floor of the living room, surrounded by three open boxes of car telemetry printouts and what looked like half of a sock drawer.

“I fixed the leak.” Lando told her.

She frowned at her pencil. “You fixed it with duct tape.”

“That’s how men do it,” Lando said, crouching to help pick up a stack of papers that had slipped under the coffee table. “Are these important?”

“Yes. They’re the data sheets from Oscar’s last long run simulation—don’t fold them!”

“I wasn’t going to—” He paused. “Okay, I was.”

She snatched them out of his hand, stuffing them back into a manila folder that was already bursting. Over the last few months, their beautiful apartment had started to look less like a home and more like an office. Helmets on shelves, engineering notebooks piled on chairs, printer cables tangled with furniture.

Lando stood up and did a slow 360° in the living room. “Have we… always had this much stuff?” He asked, his eyebrows pulling together.

“No,” Amelia said. “You moved in with a single suitcase of clothes and a sim rig. I had four crates of notebooks, over two hundred pairs of shoes, and a bookshelf. Now you have a room full of gaming stuff, we have two Dyson fans, my office is overflowing, and Max’s cats all-but live here part-time.” She pointed at the cat-tree they had stuffed into a tight corner by the window.

Lando rubbed the back of his neck. “You want to move?”

“I don’t want to,” she said bluntly, “but we’ve started tripping over each other. Literally. I had to do my work in the bathroom yesterday because you needed to use the extension cord in my office to use your NutriBullet.”

“There was no space in the kitchen.” He argued.

“Yes, I know. It was still a ridiculous solution.” She told him flatly.

He tried not to laugh. “Baby, you’re still mad?” He cooed.

“Lando,” she said, looking up at him, serious now. “We’ve outgrown this place. I love it, and it will always be our first home, but I don’t want to have to think about if I have space in my wardrobe to buy a new pair of shoes when I see ones that I like.” She said, biting her lip. “And I need a bigger office. You need a streaming room that doesn’t double as a spare room. It’s not fair to shove Oscar onto a pull-out bed every time he’s here.”

He flopped down next to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her onto his lap. “Suppose we could have a bigger kitchen.” He mumbled against her neck. “A nicer balcony. Maybe a dining room.”

“And plenty of space for guests,” she said.

Lando leaned his head against hers. “Okay. Let’s look. After the triple header.”

“Yeah,” Amelia said, letting herself relax into his side. “I want to stay in this neighbourhood. Or close.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard.” He hummed.

She cracked a smile. “And I want us to start looking for a house in England, too. Not for now… but for later. Somewhere to disappear during off-seasons. With a big garden, and trees, and a big garage for me to play around with some cars again.” She rambled.

He stared at her, hearts in his eyes. “God, I love you.”

“I know,” she said softly, and kissed his cheek. “Come on. Carry me into the kitchen. My legs are numb, but I’ll help you find the toaster.”

—

From the pit wall, the view was beautiful.

The sun beat down on the Hungaroring like it was trying to melt the asphalt. The air was thick with it though, and Amelia’s headset slightly with heat distortion.

Oscar was starting from the second row. P4.

Lando P3. 

Both of her boys making up the second row.

Her fingers tapped restlessly against her keyboard, eyes flicking between sector deltas and real-time tyre temp data. She barely noticed the world around her, only the voices in her ear and the heartbeat under her skin.

“Oscar, radio check?”

“Radio good.” Calm, sharp. His tone was always a little flat, that’s what everyone said; that he was emotionless. It made them a perfect duo — she never needed to try to unravel his tone. If he was thinking something, feeling something, he said it.

“Copy. Full systems looking good. Expect higher degradation on rear left — we’ll manage it through lift points. Brake temps will spike early. Keep it smooth, ducky.”

“Understood.” He said.

She leaned back in her stool and glance to her left, giving her dad a confident smile. He leaned across to give her a heavy shoulder pat, squeezing hard.

—

The launch was perfect.

Oscar didn’t just hold his position off the line; he gained. He swept into Turn 1 ahead of Lewis, ahead of even his teammate. For one brief, glorious moment, he was P2 behind Max Verstappen, in only his 11th Formula 1 race.

Amelia didn’t flinch. Didn’t react. Just… hyper focused.

“Amazing job, Oscar. Straight into it. Eyes forward — target delta plus point-three, we’ll manage tyres early.” She said.

“Copy.”

Her hands hovered over the live strategy tools. They were starting on Plan A, soft-to-medium, but she had contingencies mapped like a chess board. She refused to ever resort to a late reaction.

—

By Lap 16, Lando had undercut Oscar and slotted into net P2.

Amelia knew it would happen. Still, she hated how early they’d had to box Oscar, forced into it by track position pressure and the undercut threat from Lewis behind. The window had been tight. And the McLaren pit stop wasn’t their best; 3.8 seconds. Enough to cost.

Oscar rejoined in traffic. Slower cars. Dirty air.

The moment Oscar keyed his mic, she knew he felt it too.

“Tyres feel edgy. Car’s moving around.”

“Yeah. I know. Let’s build up our temps gradually. Try not to fight the dirty air. We’re still advantage three, ducky. Cleaner air will come to us once we’re through this pack.”

He didn’t reply right away. But when he did, it was with full faith in her plan. “Copy. Staying patient.”

She made a note on her pad, already tracking tyre drop-off curves from the medium runners around him. There was still a shot at a P4 finish. Maybe more, if Ferrari made the wrong call. Again.

—

The race stabilised. Max was untouchable up front, but Lando and Oscar were both holding on. Lando ran solidly in P2. Oscar, behind him in P5 with Charles closing. Too slowly to be dangerous yet, but Amelia knew better than to relax.

“Leclerc at 2.2 behind. He’s on slightly newer mediums, but they’ll plateau. You’re doing exactly what I need you to do.”

“Rear left’s starting to slip.” He reported.

Amelia adjusted her headset mic. She didn’t raise her voice, but the sharpness of her tone cut through the heat and static. “We’re monitoring. Keep it tight in 11 and off the kerbs in Sector 2. We’ll be okay.”

Will leaned toward her, murmuring, “You sure we’re not going to lose it to Leclerc?”

She didn’t look away from the screen. “Not if he does exactly what I tell him. And he will.”

—

Leclerc wasn’t fast enough. And Oscar, even with graining tyres, rising temps, and thirty-five laps of non-stop pressure, didn’t put a wheel wrong.

“Last lap. Keep it clean. You’ve broken DRS.”

“Copy.” Calm. Professional. Perfectly Oscar.

When he crossed the line in P5, just behind Lewis, Amelia didn’t outwardly react. But her hand curled into a fist beneath the desk, opening and closing five times in even succession.

It wasn’t a podium. But it was a statement.

—

In the garage, the heat clung to them like a second skin. Amelia handed Oscar a water bottle before he even had to ask.

“You made them work for it,” she said.

Oscar looked at her, face half-smeared with visor marks, and raised a brow. “I was pushing hard.”

“I know,” she said, voice level. “Even after the weak strategy call. You salvaged your position, and it was impressive.”

He tilted his head. “Even that moment in Turn 2 where I had to back off?”

“Especially then,” she said. “That’s when I knew you were supposed to be my driver. You fight hard, but you race clean.”

Oscar snorted, leaning against the garage wall. “You’re very dramatic. And demanding on the radio.”

“You stayed ahead of a Ferrari on thirty-lap-old tyres. So…” She raised an eyebrow at him.

He smirked, then looked at her sideways. “Think we could’ve held that podium if we boxed one lap later?”

Amelia refused to lie. “Maybe. But we don’t deal in maybes. We deal in execution. And yours was great.”

He bumped her arm. “Thanks. I got a bit stressed there, after the first stop. You helped me keep my head.”

She smiled, faint but proud. “I’ll always do that.”

—

It wasn’t victory.

But it was control. It was consistency. It was yet another way of telling the world that Oscar Piastri, under her watch, was going to become something extraordinary.

—

Amelia found her husband sitting on one of the stackable pit wall chairs, half out of his fireproofs, head tipped back, hair damp with sweat. His eyes were closed, not asleep, but close to it. That bone-deep exhaustion that only comes after a truly hard-fought podium.

She nudged his knee with hers.

He cracked an eye open. Smiled when he saw that it was her. “Hey, Mrs. P5.”

She smiled right back at him. “Hi, Mr. P2.”

He let out a slow breath, opened his arms. She fell into them, onto his lap, and let him hold her. Tight. “Felt good today.” He started. “Felt like we were… properly in it. Like we’re not just pretending anymore.”

“You weren’t pretending in Silverstone, either,” she reminded him, sliding into the seat beside him. “But you really earned it today with that middle stint.”

He gazed down at her. “You always manage to do this.”

“What?” She asked, blinking at him.

“Say the exact right thing. Make me feel even better about a result I’m already proper buzzing about.” He explained, with a tilted smile. “Makes me feel like a bit of a muppet, honestly.”

She didn’t respond, just leaned over slightly, drawing something out from the inside of the pocket of her McLaren windbreaker. A thin silver chain, a small pendant strung on it. Lando in cursive letters, cut from a sheet of polished silver.

She held it up between them.

“A fan gave this to me outside the paddock,” she said, tone matter-of-fact. “Asked me to give it to you. I told her I was going to keep it.”

Lando blinked. “Wait—what?”

“Because,” she went on, “it has your name on it. And that’s comforting. Like when I labelled everything in the kitchen drawers so you stopped putting the spoons in the wrong place.”

He started laughing. “You think I’m a drawer?”

“I think you’re mine,” she said plainly. “And this necklace is a tactile reminder. So I’m keeping it. And I’m going to wear it all the time. Until it goes rusty, and then I’m going to have another one made. More permanent. And I’ll wear that one all the time too.”

Lando looked at her for a long moment, the corners of his mouth twitching with affection. “You’re so romantic.”

“Maybe.” She sighed, like it was the worst thing she’d ever been told.

That earned a full grin from him. Tired, slightly loopy from the adrenaline crash, but full and wide. He reached over and ran his fingers along the chain. “I love you, baby.” He said quietly.

She looked at him, blinked once. “I know.” A beat passed. She gave him the smallest smile, then added, “And I love you too.”

Lando pressed his forehead against hers. “God, I missed you during the cool-down room. Lewis and Max were being so serious. I just wanted to say something dumb and have you roll your eyes at me. Make everything feel fun again.”

“You did great,” she told him earnestly. “You kept Max behind you for more laps than most people have managed all year.”

He pulled her in then, quick and fierce, arms around her back, his mouth warm against hers. “You’re the only podium celebration I actually look forward to.” A pause. A long, lingering kiss. And then, “did you bring the chequered flag underwear?”

She glanced around before tugging at her top. 

He peeked down and smirked.

“Fucking class.” 

NEXT CHAPTER

[cornfieldsrambles]

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO INFODUMP PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT WIGGLY'S SIBLINGS???? THAT HE APPARENTLY HAS????

omg ok SO

Meet the Lords in Black. Charming, aren't they?

Yes, Wiggly does indeed have four brothers who all do different things, so I'll cover them one by one, in order of introduction (since we've already met each of them in Nightmare Time at least once). BTW Nightmare Time has a fuckton of lore in it that I won't go into here, so even though I am about to spoil significant parts of it for you, I do recommend watching it, it's really good and if there's enough interest they might make a third one!

(Also you might notice they're all in doll form in this picture. This is how we knew them up until NPMD introduced us to what I call their Tumblr sexyman forms. Which are rad as hell by the way.)

So you already know Wiggly. That little green fucker, Wiggog Y'Wrath, the Capitalist Cthulu who does uwu-speak and starts a cult by invading people's minds. This will become a bit of a reoccurring theme with these guys. He's also the only one to successfully start an apocalypse, and the only one to have attempted to birth himself into our reality. (Or is he? We'll get to that...) He does seem to have some kind of dominion over the other LiB, as whenever all five of them show up there's always emphasis placed on him, like in NPMD where he does most of the talking while his siblings occasionally butt in.

Now for Bliklotep. Blinky seems to have slightly lower-scale ambitions than Wiggly, but don't let that fool you. Eyeball Boi is still incredibly dangerous. He runs an amusement park, WatcherWorld, deep within the Hatchetfield Witchwood. But it's not for the amusement of the patrons. Oh no. It's for Blinky's own amusement. Once you step inside, every insecurity, every shred of potential conflict will be ripped to the forefront, turning people against each other to the point of trying to kill each other until he's fully infected their minds. It's implied that, if not all, but a significant chunk of the workers at WatcherWorld were once patrons before having their minds taken over by Blinky. He's also implied to be the thing in Trail To Oregon that Jack Bauer sees during his venom-induced hallucination, as Blinky is referred to as "The Watcher With 1,000 Eyes", which is exactly what JB says he sees? Making Blinky the only LiB to induce a Starkid crossover. My headcanon is that the Dikrats founded Hatchetfield. But regardless.

Next up on the roster is Tinky. T'noy Karaxis, the Time Bastard. You may be wondering about that one line in NPMD where he recognised Pete as a Spankoffski, and said he "could have the whole set in his toybox". Has Tinky gone after Pete's relatives?

Well. Um. You know Ted, right? Yeah, his name is Spankoffski. He's Pete's big brother. We actually got the surname reveal before the brother reveal, lol. And that's not the only reveal we got about Ted. Our boy Teddy Bear has this whole entire tragic backstory and it turns out he gets fucked over in literally every timeline! Isn't that fun?

So, to summarise an entire episode: Tinky makes travel fuckery happen, Ted wants to go back in time to fix his life, accidentally goes back to before the time machine was created and gets stuck in the past, literally. Tinky is watching and laughing at the whole thing, then shows up to blow Ted's brain to smithereens with his weird little magic box, the Bastard's Box, where he stores all the people he toys with. Anyway Ted eventually catches up with the present by aging, except now no one knows who he is, he's... actually I won't spoil that. But once he dies he ends up eternally trapped and tortured in the Bastard's Box. Yaaay.

Fast forward to Nightmare Time 2 and we get introduced to Nibbly, in possibly the most unexpected way imaginable. He's revealed to have been behind a whole episode literally right at the end of said episode, and even though it was kind of foreshadowed, it hits you like a freight train in the best way. Remember when I said Wiggly was the only one who tried to birth himself into reality? That was kind of a lie. Nibblenephim can sort of do that anyway. Every year, he can possess a bunch of carcasses and create a living form to walk the earth for one night. He also has a cult of followers who provide him with the carcasses, as well as a sacrifice to feed on. There's a little more to it, specifically with how the sacrifice is chosen, but again, I'm trying to spoil as little as possible. Go watch Nightmare Time. Nibbly also seems to have a "pig" motif, and his theme song, The Nibbly Ditty, is a banger, easily my favourite of the three LiB theme songs we've heard so far.

And finally, we are introduced to Pokotho, in the very last episode of NMT2.

Except no. We were formally introduced to Pokey there, yes, but we've seen his apocalypse already. Long before NPMD, before Nightmare Time, even before Black Friday.

Yeah, remember me saying that Wiggly was the only one to successfully start an apocalypse? That was also a lie! Pokey already did that, and he did it without ever showing his masked face. Remember The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals? The blue spores that came down in a meteor and turned everyone into singing zombies? That was Pokey's doing! That's his blue spores! That's his apocalypse!

This also provides an explanation for why blowing up the meteor didn't work. Emma and Hidgens were right about the hivemind thing, but wrong about the location of the central brain. It wasn't the meteor - the meteor was just the vessel which carried the spores to Earth. The central brain was sitting safely up in the Black and White, laughing as Paul blew himself to smithereens. The central brain was Pokey, the Singular Voice, the most uncompromising of his brothers. The one who hates every voice that is not his own, hence the hivemind and making all of his zombies speak in HIS voice.

Anyway in NMT2 he's happily collecting musical zombies by taking on a human form and infiltrating a fighting ring of superpowered children until he has enough to kickstart another apocalypse. (Don't question it, we're almost done). He also calls himself Otho, not Pokey, making him the only LiB to have two different abbreviations of his name. Hannah is also there (remember her? Lex's little sister?) and she is like incredibly important to this whole thing, she has a super powerful mind, but that's a whole other thing.

But I did mention Hannah for a reason. Because you said "Wiggly's SIBLINGS". And while the Lords in Black are always referred to as brothers, they do have one more sibling. A sister. A Queen in White. And her name is Webby.

Yep, Hannah's imaginary friend isn't imaginary, who could have guessed? She's benevolent, always trying her best to combat her brothers' antics, but given that there's one of her and five of them, this is a bit of an uphill battle. Webby doesn't have a full name that we know of, nor does she have a doll. We don't know much about her. And she may not be all-powerful - but then again, neither are her brothers.

Infodump concluded. Hope this helps, it was very fun to write.

[badkitty3000]

can u write a five x reader smut where five makes the reader watch him jerk off before fucking them

This request has been in my inbox for a LONG time...sorry. I set this during season four, and it's mixed with my usual sense of humor and confidently sexy Five 😉

Forced Confinement: Friends to Enemies to Lovers

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 5.7k words, one-shot, reader request

Warnings: Smut, explicit sex, masturbation

Summary: You and Five used to be friends. That is, until he got you stuck in the endless cycle of time traveling trains and no way home. Now he is the last person you want to be stuck with at the end of the world. But, after months of resentment and bickering, you and Five finally work out your differences

It had been eleven months. Eleven months since you and Five had taken that stupid fucking train to nowhere. Why you had let him talk you into going with him, you had no idea. You had been friends and you trusted him, sure, but that didn’t mean you wanted to skip out on the real world forever and live in captive domesticity for the rest of your life. You had wanted adventure and danger, which always seemed to follow Five wherever he went. But that’s not what this turned into. This had turned into playing house.

After nine months of mindless travel to various timelines that just seemed to get worse and worse, you were about ready to kill one another. The passive aggressive arguing had gradually turned into bickering, which then turned into outright shouting matches. You wanted to go home, god dammit! You didn’t care that time travel was tricky or unpredictable. He had gotten you into this mess and you demanded that he get you out of it.

To get you to shut up, Five had presented you with a temporary solution. When you came across a mostly still standing house with a greenhouse and clean water, he begrudgingly suggested that you two stay there for a few days. Just to relax, wash up a bit, and gather some food. It would also grant him some time to think about how to navigate this situation you were in. You had agreed, although you had scoped the crappy house out first to determine if there were separate living quarters. There was only one real bedroom, but Five conceded it to you and said he would take the living room floor.

A few days had turned into two months.

You knew he was trying his best. You knew that. And you knew he certainly had never meant to get you stuck in this endless loop of time travel fuckery. He had only been trying to save the world. Again. Only this time, he wanted company. And since you and he had become friends over the course of the five years you had been serving him large quantities of whiskey and beer at your bar, he had asked you.

It’s not that you were best buddies or anything. You had never hung out outside of the bar. But he was a frequent enough customer that you and he had a good rapport. You were comfortable around each other, which you had noticed for Five, was kind of a big deal. And maybe you were a little flirty with one another as well. Not that anything had ever happened between you, but the tension had been there.

So, when Five had come stumbling in one night, seemingly already drunk, and had plopped down on a barstool in front of you with a smart-ass grin on his face, you were intrigued. After a very confusing and convoluted story about something called “marigold” and Five having the power to teleport and time travel, you were already hooked.

How many times had you dreamed of doing something amazing? Something so incredibly exciting and weird that when you told your friends all about it later, they wouldn’t believe you? It was just one of those silly fantasies that never left your head. But the longer you ran that bar, and the more comfortable you got pouring shots and mixing drinks for others, the less likely it became that your fantasy would ever be realized.

But time traveling subway trains and teleportation powers? It was everything you had been waiting for! When he told you his idea of trying to get to the correct timeline and stop another apocalypse from happening, you barely even hesitated.

In those first couple of months, you didn’t really mind being lost with no real way to get back home. It was still exciting and you were getting along great back then. He confided in you; told you he had asked you along because you were his only real friend and he just didn’t want to face the unknown alone again. He had apologized when it became clear he was just as lost as you were, and he promised to get you back safely. You made each other laugh, and invented stupid games to kill the boredom, and would cuddle up together on cold nights even though there was nothing romantic going on. Those were the good times.

But now…now, it was like the two of you were living in some bad sitcom with no laugh track. Five was still good looking, there was no getting around that. Even when he was grubby and dirty and his deodorant gave out months ago. Yes, he was hot, you could admit that. But that wasn’t quite enough to cover the fact that he was an arrogant, know-it-all asshole that was systematically ruining your life. You missed your bed. And your bar. And god, what you wouldn’t do for some fucking fast food. You had dreams about McDonald’s French fries and if Ronald McDonald himself had come walking up to you and told you he’d give you a Big Mac if you sucked his dick, you’d be on your knees in a second. That’s what this had come to; you would blow a clown for a hamburger.

Instead, here you were, in some bullshit little Hobbit house, listening to Five’s snoring from the other room. And if you had to eat another fucking strawberry, you were going to vomit. You would rather eat a dozen half-cooked subway rats than choke down another one of those god damn red berries. Sometimes you laid awake at night, envisioning Five choking on one, his eyes bulging as he panicked and tried unsuccessfully to get air through his blocked trachea. It brought a small amount of comfort to you. Until the morning, when you walked out and saw there were no animals in your traps, and you wanted to cry. No meat. Only fucking strawberries.

“We need more water,” you told him as you came out of the green house where the first few sprouts of cucumbers and green beans were finally starting to come through.

“So? Go get some, then,” Five muttered back at you, his head buried in a notebook while he sat at the wobbly kitchen table.

“No. I’m always the one that has to go get the water. It’s your turn.”

Five glanced up briefly, then looked back down at his incoherent scribblings. “I’m busy.”

“You’re busy?” you asked incredulously. “How the fuck is making little pictures in a book busy?”

He looked up again, his worn-down pencil paused in midair. His eyes narrowed. “They are not little pictures. They are complex mathematical equations that your simpleton mind cannot possibly understand.”

You snorted. “Fuck you.”

One corner of his mouth turned up just slightly and he set his pencil down, leaning back in his chair and draping one arm over the back. Fuck, if he didn’t look amazingly hot like that. Asshole.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“What in the hell are you talking about?”

He scoffed. “Don’t play dumb. You’ve been eye-fucking me since we got here. Actually, since before we got here.”

Your eyes widened in disbelief. “What the…are you delusional? Did you hit your head the last time you were out scavenging? I have, under no circumstances, been eye-fucking you.”

“Ok, sure…whatever you have to tell yourself.”

You placed a hand on your hip and tilted your head to the side. “If anyone is eye-fucking anyone, it’s you to me. I see the way you just so happen to look in my direction when I’m changing clothes.”

“If I do that, it’s only because I want to make sure you’re actually changing into something new instead of wearing that shitty old tank top that smells like dead rats.”

“That is my best tank top! And look who’s talking. Who wears a suit in a fucking apocalypse? It’s insane!”

“At least I don’t walk around with my tits half hanging out. I mean, fuck, those things are going to knock you out the next time you have to run from anything. It’s like you’re just begging for attention.”

You smiled. “Oh, I just bet you’d love to see me running with my tits hanging out, wouldn’t you? Probably play right into some weird-ass Baywatch fantasy you have.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, sweetheart.” He tossed his head so that the piece of hair in his eyes flicked out of the way. “You are wearing the literal last pair of tits in the world right now and I wouldn’t care if you slathered them in baby oil and shoved them in my face.”

You watched as his eyes moved briefly to your chest before landing on your face again. You smirked. “Gosh, Five, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course you don’t want anything do with these.” You ran your hands up your sides and rested them on your breasts. Then you began to rub them and squeeze them together, all while looking him directly in the eye. You gave a little moan and licked your lips. It was subtle, but you saw him swallow and shift in his seat.

Five rolled his eyes, but you could tell you had gotten to him. “While the tits themselves may be alluring, there is the unfortunate fact that they are attached to the body that is powered by your idiot brain. Therefore…not interested.”

You gave them another hard push together, and then let out a short laugh before dropping your hands. “That’s what I thought.”

“What did you think?”

“That you’re a dickless asshole”

Five flashed you that devious smile that you had come to associate with an unfortunate fluttering inside your stomach. “I’ll concede to being an asshole. But dickless? Quite the opposite, sweetheart.”

Your mouth went dry at that implication and you momentarily had a loss for words. After a couple of seconds, though, you regained your cool.

“As much as I’m sure you’d just love to whip out your little pickle dick right now, how about you get your scrawny ass up and go get us some water? Sweetheart.”

Five gave a short laugh. “And as much as I’m sure you’d love to be choking on my pickle right now, like I told you…” He pointed his pencil at the notebook. “I’m busy.”

Without another word, he lowered his head and started scribbling again, ignoring you completely. Your mouth opened in another retaliation, but then it snapped closed again. There was no point in continuing your little childish spat. Five was a stubborn old bastard and it was a waste of time. You might as well go get the damn water yourself.

Giving a loud, dramatic huff, you flipped your hair over your shoulder and stomped away. You did happen to notice, though, that Five looked up to watch you leave. So, as a final act of brattiness, just before you were out of sight, you made sure to bend over and act like you were tying your shoe while wiggling your ass in the air. Which, if Five had the oversized brain he was always saying he did, he would remember that your shoelaces had disintegrated a month ago.

As you angrily made your way to the old well that was your water source, you mumbled out loud to yourself.

“He thinks he’s so fucking smart. Well, he’s not. Just because you’re a smoking hot asshole does not mean you’re a genius, I guarantee you.”

You tripped over a rock and you cursed before continuing on. “And he is dreaming if he thinks I’m the one that wants to fuck him. Granted, it has been a long time since I got laid, but still. I think I can do better than Five Hargreeves, even if he is the last man on earth.”

You approached the old-fashioned well pump that was still in service and started pumping, much more vigorously than needed while you ranted to no one. “Honestly, he is so hard up for some ass, it’s embarrassingly obvious. But, good luck buddy, because that ain’t happening.”

You watched thoughtfully as the water slowly poured into the plastic bucket that served as your portable water reservoir. You stared into the distance; the landscape not quite as bleak as the others you had seen. This one at least had some trees and wildlife. “Still…I did see him shirtless that one time and I can’t seem to get that little image out of my brain. The guy has sex appeal, there’s no doubt about that. And I suppose he’s not all bad. He did let me take the bed, after all. He hasn’t even tried anything, either, which I suppose makes him kind of a gentleman.”

You gave the well a few more pumps to fill the last of the bucket. “But why hasn’t he tried anything? Maybe he doesn’t think I’m attractive? He said he likes women, though. I wonder if he jerks off when I’m not around?”

You smiled to yourself, feeling your chest tighten a little at the thought. “I guess I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t used him as motivation for my own hand-fucking. He might be annoying but I bet he can deliver in certain areas.” You paused a moment more and sighed angrily, looking toward the sky. “Damn it…now I’m horny!” The water started overflowing in the bucket and you realized you’d been pumping the well for too long, wasting your most precious resource.

“Shit!” You stared at the dusty ground that was now turning into a muddy puddle around your feet. “He doesn’t need to know about this, that’s for sure. I don’t need yet another lecture on water preservation.”

Hoisting up the bucket, and holding it against your chest because the handle had given out a week ago, you started back towards the house.

“I’m going insane,” you panted as you made your way up the slight incline. “It’s official; I’ve finally lost it. Stuck out here in the middle of nowhere and talking to myself. Cool.”

As you walked into the house, the water bucket was partially obstructing your view and it sloshed water down your front as you set it heavily down on the floor.

“There,” you declared, out of breath. “Here’s the water, no thanks to – Oh holy shit!”

When you had looked up, you had been assaulted with the sight of Five pleasuring himself right there in your cozy kitchen. You froze, taking in the sight, not able to look away. He was on full display, with the chair pushed out from the table, facing the doorway. His shirt was open, sleeves cuffed up, head thrown back, eyes closed, pants undone, and his cock in his hand. He was languidly stroking himself, appearing to not be in a hurry to finish the job, while he sat there with his legs spread open for all to see. Well, not all to see…just you.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry…shit…what are you? Ok, never mind, um…I’m gonna, yeah, just go…” you stammered while still staring directly at the obscenity before you.

You said you were going to go, but you were rooted to the spot. Eventually, after what seemed like an inordinate amount of time considering what was happening, Five opened his eyes and looked at you. No, not looked. Stared at you. Those bright green eyes bored into you and a small smirk played on his lips.

Still panicking, but also confused as to the very real sensation of moisture not caused by the bucket of water forming between your legs, you abruptly turned to leave.

“Stop.”

Five’s voice was different than usual. Harder. Commanding. And you inexplicably stopped in your tracks.

“Turn around.”

You obeyed and slowly spun around, nervous as to what you might see, or have him see. You were sure the look on your face would give you away.

Five hadn’t moved. He was still stroking himself and he looked like he didn’t have one ounce of shame about it, either.

You swallowed hard. “What…”

“I decided after your little show earlier that I just couldn’t help myself. And now that you’ve got some wet t-shirt action going on, I’m going to need you to stay. I think you owe me that.”

Looking down at yourself, you saw that the spilled water had created a nearly see-through situation over your chest. Even your bra was soaked through, and your nipples were visible through the thin fabric. When you glanced back up, you bit at your lower lip. Despite the blush growing across your cheeks, you were intrigued with this new game.

“Owe you?” you asked, your voice cracking as you tried to keep your cool.

Five groaned quietly, picking up his pace and ignoring your question. “You really do have magnificent tits. Now, take that ratty ass top off.”

You couldn’t believe you were actually going along with his demands. You should be telling him to fuck off and throwing the nearest heavy object toward his head. Instead, you found yourself holding his eye contact while you slowly stripped your wet shirt away and dropped it onto the floor.

There was another deep moan from Five as he worked his shaft over with his whole hand, his breathing becoming louder.

“Bra,” he rasped.

As you unhooked your bra and let it fall on top of your shirt, you smiled at his reaction.

“Fuck honey…I’ve been dreaming about these tits for so long and they do not disappoint.” He groaned low in his throat again. “Perfect.”

You eyed him up and down, taking in the detail of his cock as his fist slid easily over it. It was most definitely impressive. Much more than you had imagined and you found yourself running your tongue over your bottom lip involuntarily.

“Shit, Five…I guess you weren’t kidding. Definitely not dickless.”

“You like what you see?” he asked, looking out under the pieces of hair that had flopped in front of his eyes.

You nodded, and then began to move closer in. “Yeah, I do.”

Five shook his head, pausing his fist fucking momentarily. “I don’t think so, honey. Not yet.”

“Not yet what?” you asked, thoroughly confused. Did he not want you to jump on top of him?

“I know you’re just dying for my cock to be buried deep inside you right now, but you’re going to have to wait. That’s your punishment.”

With your eyebrows drawn together, you suddenly felt very stupid standing there topless while he continued to jack off.

“What the hell…what do you mean? Punishment for what?”

“For walking around all bitchy and complaining about everything. All while throwing your body in my face and leaving me high and dry.”

“What!? You’re the one that has been the asshole –”

“Shut up, sweetheart. I don’t need to hear your mouth. I just need to look at you. Now drop your pants.”

It took a minute for your mind to comprehend just what the fuck was going on here. Five Hargreeves, your friend turned enemy turned…jack off partner?...was ordering you around like you were his own personal interactive porno mag. And you fucking liked it.

As you started unbuttoning your shorts, you gave him a lopsided smile. “So, how long have you been using me as your whack-a-thon inspiration?”

“I could ask you the same,” he snarked back before working just a little harder when your pants came off.

“Since about 3 months in,” you admitted with a shrug, pushing your panties all of the way off.

“Fuuuck,” Five groaned loudly, closing his eyes briefly before scanning your body hungrily. “I think I lasted 2 weeks.”

You laughed, leaning back against the table with your hands behind you as you pushed out your chest. When your eyes caught his again, you let out a soft whimper.

“Damnit…I really want to fuck you right now.”

“I know, darling,” he responded, his voice dripping with condescension. “You’ve made that quite obvious.”

Neither of you said anything more for a moment. The room was filled with the sound of your collective heavy breathing and the slapping noises as Five jacked himself hard and fast. You could see the beads of pre-cum forming around the head. On a whim, you decided to lean in, bending down with your mouth open and tongue out, to daintily lick up the tempting drops. Five growled and flung his head back again while you gave one more flick of your tongue over the slit and backed away again.

“Finger yourself,” he grunted out.

When you smirked, licking all four of your fingers before lowering them between your legs, the sound Five made, a shaking, guttural sound, had you thinking he was on the verge of blowing his load. But he only seemed to concentrate harder, working his fist over his thick shaft. You watched as his thumb traced the underside of his swollen tip, the veins that ran from top to bottom prominently on display. You had never really thought the sight of a man pleasuring himself in front of you would be that hot, but the wetness dripping out of you right now proved that maybe it just depended on the man.

Because watching Five unabashedly fuck himself; his left hand tight around his cock and his hips jerking up in response; the tendons in his forearm taught and straining; his hair hanging messily around his face, his eyes never leaving yours; had you more worked up than you had ever been in your life.

“Fuck, Five,” you moaned as your own hand began to move through your slick folds.

“Damn it, I’m going to come. On your knees,” he growled through clenched teeth.

You dropped down without a second thought, just blindly following his orders. Your hand was still working furiously, and you were unsure if he wanted you to suck his dick or not, so you just waited for further instructions. When he groaned loudly and shifted forward in the chair, his own hand moving fast, you realized what he was going to do.

“Don’t you dare come on my face,” you rasped out. You removed your fingers from yourself so that you could lean back, exposing your chest at a better angle.

With a strangled moan that sounded like some sort of wounded animal, Five bit at his bottom lip while he came; long ropes of cum covering your chest and dripping down your stomach as he unloaded onto you again and again. You watched his face as it contorted in orgasmic bliss before finally relaxing again, his hand slowing, and his body easing back into the chair.

“Fucking hell,” he whispered through heaving breaths; eyes still closed. “You have no idea how much I needed that.”

As you knelt before him, covered in his semen, and still horny, you frowned. “Good for you.”

When he opened his eyes, he had the nerve to laugh and he shook his head. “Give me a minute, ok? I might have a fairly quick refractory period, but it’s not immediate.”

“Hmm, yeah. Likely story,” you said under your breath, although your mouth twitched up with amusement as you stood up. “I’m going to use our most precious resource to wash up.”

“Use it sparingly,” Five reminded you.

“I think I’ll use as much as I want, considering it’s your cum that’s currently drying all over my tits right now.”

“Fair,” Five said with a breathy laugh.

After you found one of the clean rags that doubled as a washcloth, you dipped it in the bucket of cool water and started to wipe at your chest. Five watched you bend over, ringing out the cloth and letting the water run down your breasts and abdomen. His refractory period may not have been instant, but watching you like that was most definitely speeding the process along.

While you were enjoying giving him this show, what you really wanted was a little more satisfaction than just watching him jerking off. With your body as cum-free as it was going to be for the moment, you sauntered back over to Five who was still sitting in the same chair; pants open and semi-hard dick out. When you stood in front of him, he looked up at you through the fringe of hair covering his eyes, that damn smirk of his playing on his lips. Without even thinking, you hauled your right hand back and smacked him across the face.

As he raised a hand to his stinging cheek, he glared up at you. “What the hell was that for?”

With a smile, you straddled his lap, draping both arms over his shoulders and leaning in to kiss him. After biting at his bottom lip, you pulled back.

“That was for stranding me here in this hell hole.” You kissed him again, tugging hard at his hair at the back of his head. “And for being the world’s biggest prick.” Your groin slid over his hard cock and he grunted. “And for looking so fucking hot all the time.”

Five grabbed your chin in his hand, holding you steady as he gazed into your eyes; his deep green ones sparkling as that arrogant look crossed his face again. Gripping your ass tightly with both hands, Five stood up, taking you with him as he slammed your body down onto the rickety kitchen table. When your back hit the wooden top with a thud, the pedestal holding it up wobbled dangerously underneath. You huffed out a loud breath from the impact.

Standing between your legs that were still wrapped around his waist, Five reached down between you, grasping his hard cock and rubbing the tip against your clit. When you gave a tiny whimper, he nodded.

“I’m sorry I got you stuck here. And I’m working on being less of a prick. As for looking hot all the time? That I can’t help so much,” he said with a grin, continuing to massage your slit by running his dick up and down, spreading your wetness over both of you.

“Asshole,” you rasped after sucking in a loud gulp of air. Your hands clutched at the edge of the table and your hips rocked against him.

He shook his head, closing his eyes with a moan before locking onto yours again. “No. If I were an asshole, I would have done what I’ve been dying to do for months now.”

“Which is?”

“Sliding into bed with you in the middle of the night and waking you up with my dick shoved between your legs.”

Your head tipped back as you tried to push yourself harder into his cock that was continually sliding over you in just the right spot. “Oh shit, Five…I wish you would have.”

“You’d like that, huh?”

You nodded. “I’d still have kicked your ass, but not before I’d let you fuck my brains out.”

“How about I fuck your brains out now and we can discuss kicking my ass later?”

“Sounds good,” you breathed out.

Five used his hand to guide himself inside of you. Once the head of his cock was inside, he thrust himself into you, impaling you on his sizeable dick, and watching your face for your reaction.

“Oh god…” you cried, gritting your teeth against the intensity.

“You ok?” he asked as his hands traveled over your thighs, sides, and hips.

You nodded. “Yeah. Definitely ok. Fuck, that feels good.”

With a self-satisfied smirk, Five grabbed your ass tightly with both hands, squeezing each cheek hard and digging his fingers into your flesh. When he started to guide you by pushing and pulling you over his shaft, you let him take full control of your body. With your arms splayed to the sides and your head tipped back against the table top, you wanted him to break you down; strip you of your inhibitions, and make you his.

“Shit…” he hissed through his teeth. “I need…fuck…I need more of you.”

Without warning or consent, he pulled you roughly up by one hand before pulling out of you and yanking you off the table to standing again. Not sure what his game plan was, you just stood there until he stepped out of his pants that had dropped around his ankles, and held you tightly to him. With a long kiss that made you momentarily forget where you were, he pulled back again.

“Floor,” he gasped.

Despite having a perfectly good bed in the other room, you were thinking the same thing he was. There was no time for relocation. You needed him inside of you again. Immediately. Hands clutching at one another, you both clumsily dropped to the floor. There was a moment of ungraceful maneuvering while you hastily repositioned yourself, but once Five was on his back and you were mounting him again, his dick slid inside once more and you let out a high-pitched whine.

In between grunts and whimpers as you started to move your hips, you attacked his mouth, face, and neck with kisses. Eventually, one of his hands came to rest in your hair. When you looked him in the eyes, he was smiling. Not his normal, asshole smirk. An actual, affectionate smile.

“I’m not sure why we waited this long,” he said before kissing you deeply, while also bucking his hips up, driving his dick in harder.

“Because we hated one another,” you explained as he sucked kisses onto your neck.

“Not always…fuuckk…” he moaned when you slammed harder on top of him.

“I kind of don’t hate you now.”

Five laughed and squeezed one of your breasts in his hand, hard enough to make you hiss through your teeth.

“Five….” you whined.

“Keep fucking me, baby. Harder.”

You were fucking him as hard as you possibly could. So hard that you were seriously concerned about the health of your knees as they bore most of your weight and dug into the hard dirt floor of your crappy kitchen. But that didn’t stop you. Riding his dick like it was somehow essential to your existence, you had never wanted anyone more than you did right then. You couldn’t control the loud cries and broken sobs that filled the small kitchen, and Five wasn’t exactly being quiet either.

“Oh shit, honey…please keep doing that…I’ve wanted this so badly.”

After one more long kiss, you could feel your body start to reach its climax. As Five grasped your hips again, working you over even faster, you let yourself go with a broken moan that got louder the more your body reacted to his. With your back arched, head tipped back, and your hips twitching wildly, Five clenched his teeth and looked down between your bodies. He could see the white lather of your arousal coating his cock. With a husky growl, Five pushed you down and came inside you.

Gasping for air, you collapsed into him, chests heaving against one another. He held you loosely, his hands idly caressing your back and hair.

“Five?” you panted; nuzzling your nose and mouth into the side of his sweat-damp neck.

“Yeah?”

“If you had been fucking me like that this whole time, these last several months could have been much more enjoyable.”

He let out a breathy laugh. “If I were more confident in my time travel skills, I would go back and remedy that.”

As your playful kisses traveled over his neck and cheek, you gave him one last, deep kiss on his mouth before pulling back again. You stared deeply into his eyes that you only just now realized were so easy to get lost in.

Moving a stray piece of hair from his forehead, you smiled sweetly. “While I definitely would not mind more of your amazing dick action, I am going to murder you if I have to spend one more day in this strawberry hellhole.”

Five matched your snarky grin with his own, and smacked your ass swiftly. “Off.”

Rolling your eyes, but not able to hide the blush that dusted your cheeks again when he took that tone with you, you unfurled yourself from his body and stood up. Offering a hand out, you helped Five to his feet.

“While the thought crossed my mind to leave you in the dark just so I can get some more action, I don’t have the heart. Look,” he said as he pointed to his notebook that had just recently been pinned under your body on the table.

When you looked closer at his illegible scrawls, you frowned. “I don’t get it.”

“I did it.”

You looked back over at him with raised eyebrows. “Did what?”

“Found our way home. While you were out getting water, I figured it out.”

As the realization of what he was saying washed over you, you shrieked and threw your arms around his shoulders, pulling his damp, naked body into yours. “Five! Oh my god, you did it! We can go home?”

He nodded, a giant smile growing over his face. “I think so. And I think I figured it out so that we will have time to stop the whole mess that was starting to go down before we left, too. I think we can save the world.”

“Oh my god! This is amazing!” You pulled him tighter and kissed him hard on the lips, still smiling. “Five, you’re amazing!” Then a thought came to you and you tilted your head to the side. “Hang on…if you figured this out while I was out getting water…were you really jerking off to thoughts of me, or just your own mathematical genius?”

Five shrugged with that sexy, lopsided smile of his. “Can’t it be a little of both?”

“Holy shit,” you laughed. “Let’s get the fuck out of here and go home.”

Five pulled you close with a jerk, his arm around your waist and his hand resting securely on the small of your back. With a look that made your heart flip in your chest and your knees weak and wobbly, Five leaned in to kiss you, biting gently at your lips before pulling away and rubbing his cheek across yours.

“Why leave now? We have all the time in the world and things were just getting good,” he said, his voice low and smooth; the rush of his hot breath down your neck sending shivers down your spine.

“Ok,” you breathed out before tipping your head back so he could access your neck. “What’s a few more days?”

[biancasaidstfu]

THEORY TIME ✨ THE START OF THE FAKE FUCKERY ✨

***Everything I say here is a THEORY and SPECULATION ONLY. Please make note and use a dictionary since some of you don’t understand what these words mean***

I don’t normally dwell on the past because the past is in the past, what’s done is done and the only way we can move is forward but I have my theory brain turned on this morning.

So…when did this contract fuckery possibly begin??

Well, something that always struck me as odd was Luke’s liking spree during the Brazil press tour stop dating back months, to July 2023.

From what I understand, the likes were not there as the posts were dropped in real time and they were added later during 2024 all at the same time.

Also, do you see the shift with Luke and Nic during this time? Shit changed.

I know a lot of people harp on Italy and Australia and even all the way back to Valentine’s Day 2024, however, I feel like something solidified during this stop.

Decisions were made and that flows over into what we saw during the Toronto and Irelands stops. Very couple coded behaviors imo. This is where that rumor about that Spain trip comes into play, too. I’m not saying that rumor is true…but I’m saying I wouldn’t be surprised.

So what if this is where some agreement came into play?

NYC had already happened. Antonia made it known she was there. We saw the footage and whatever you may think about her existence there, what if it’s what prompted a deal?

Because people were noticing things between Luke and Nic. They were flirting too close to the sun but also the fandom at the time was noticing Antonia as well.

If their Facebook status had gone from its complicated to in a relationship, but they were on a full blown press tour promoting their season and Antonia was hanging out with Luke’s established friend group? Makes it a bit messy, no?

So they set her up with a deal. You get to link yourself to me. I’ll take you to some events after the press tour. Your name will be pushed out there for exposure but you can’t post me, you can’t comment but you can like my posts and I like yours in exchange. You go on these trips and it can imply we’re in a relationship. You’ll get to go to x amount of events in this period of time.

It’s what we’ve seen play out. It’s what’s still currently playing out now, even if there was a massive gap between July 2024 and the end of January 2025.

And maybe that’s why it feels so over saturated. It feels like we’ve gotten sandblasted with Antonia after months and months of no signs of Luke in her vicinity.

Boss took people out but it was also performative. BAFTA wasn’t as bad but it was still obvious. The SAG pool pic and elevator pics dropped conveniently around everyone celebrating and Nicola following Antonia which was even more performative.

The March pap pics were annoying af. The Yungblud thing even more so because Luke looks like he’d rather be anywhere else than next to her. This new Cyprus pic? Her dad kind of took her opportunity and she posted some fireworks that literally doesn’t give any sort of location away.

There might be more. I’m expecting more because we stay prepared around here. But I do think there’s a strict timeline. I feel like we’re nearing that and while we won’t ever get any confirmation on this, I feel like we’ll be able to tell.

[prodigaldaughteralice]

I really thought the secret reports might say something about this, but I just got the last ones and they don’t, so I’m just going to continue to tinfoil-hat:

I’m convinced there’s some timeline fuckery going on between TWEWY and Neo:TWEWY.

Not just because TWEWY was so beautifully contemporary, set in its release year, and aside from sidestepping COVID so was Neo— and 2007->2021 is not the three years they claim it’s been in-universe— though that’s part of it. That was what first made me lift my head up and go “wait what”. But there’s a couple other things that feel like it’s been much longer.

First of all is Gatto Nero. Shiki and Eri were fifteen in the first game, and while it’s pretty unlikely IRL for a couple of eighteen-year-olds to head a successful brand with a store in freakin 104/9, it’s the kind of thing that happens in stories, so I was gonna let it slide… until we got to Shoka’s backstory.

She says when she got to Shibuya, she “wandered around” a bit, then discovered Gatto Nero, and her Mr Mew hoodie was the first thing she bought in Shibuya. The flashback to before she even came to Shibuya is the only one in which she’s not wearing the hoodie, so it seems really implausible that it was long after she got here before she found Gatto Nero. And the Shinjuku inversion was three years ago, just after the original game if the timeline’s straight.

Shiki and Eri are amazing, but a couple of fifteen year olds having a successful enough label to be selling stuff, right after the initial game when they were talking about it as a dream for the future, not something they already had rolling?

The other, more concrete thing is a comment Uzuki made. On W2D1 of the first game, Uzuki says she’s been a reaper for two years, objecting to Kariya calling her a ‘spring chicken’. In Neo, though, she tells Fret on W2D3 that “I’ve been watching over Shibuya since before you could write your own name, kid.” Fret is sixteen. If she’d only been a Reaper five years… that’s a hell of an exaggeration, lady!

So like… can this be explained away as story convenience and exaggeration? Sure it can. But it feels weird and I’d rather the timeline got a lil’ fucked up by Shinjuku’s inversion, scattered; some people experienced three years, some fourteen. Maybe I’m just a sucker, because I was the same age as the kids in TWEWY when it came out and wanted to see them all grown up, but I like the idea that as everything gets stitched back up they can settle into their thirties properly.

[cornyonmains]

Great being like, "Listen, the dick was so good I'm ready to film a six part anthology series," is something I'm still trying to emotionally process.

It's such a stark contrast to the character we're seeing in the timeline he's imagining/changing/discombobulating. It's a jarring and inappropriate response to a terrible betrayal, but also one that kind of makes sense for a spoiled college kid who has never known accountability, consequence, or structure. The entire situation was all novelty and kink for him, because that's all it ever has to be with his family's money and influence. He was enchanted by the fact Tyme would even dare.

This show really seems to be focusing in on how the sins of the parents can impact the children. Great, Tyme, Korn, and Tonkla are all in relationships where the actions of their parents have deeply warped their ability to have relationships. Great's self-destructing with sex and alcohol, Korn is in a loveless relationship with Fasai to maintain the family's stability, Tonkla attached himself to a rich man that can't really be with him to escape an abusive household, and Tyme has essentially been frozen in his emotional development since the death of his parents, who may not be so innocent themselves.

And what's at the core of all this timeline fuckery?

The woman Great hit with her car. The one parent we've seen in the entire series who actually seems to give a shit about their kid.

It's episode 6 and I still have more questions than answers.

[dingodad]

Any theories on where the religious fuckery is headed with regards to Vriska & the like?

after initially predicting the time loop thing i have basically failed to make a single correct guess about where vriska's arc is going LOL.. so.. honestly i donno... i'm still stuck on the whole let's play sburb thing i think i need to let hs2 play out a bit more before i can make any kind of guesses as to where tf we're going.

is vriska-as-devil necessarily "headed" anywhere beyond what i've already discussed re: seduction of the innocent... i guess now that she's rebelled against heaven once i can imagine her becoming the devil to dirk's god and sewing some real chaos on his perfect garden planet. fuckkkkkk actually... oomf was saying the omega kids might not be able to survive the real world now that they've left Soap Opera Universe but what if the opposite happens and vriska ruins dirk's perfectly boring mspfa sburb session by suddenly introducing a bunch of stupid Candy Timeline Teen Drama. and NOBODY GETS WHAT THEY WANT

[the-meat-machine]

u just seem like the person to ask about hs cherub lore- has it ever been confirmed where the cherubs come from ectobiologically speaking?? like, from my tenuous understanding of it all, calliope and caliborn are living on the destroyed alpha earth that jane and co are living on- but if the cherubs are sbrub players, then they would have needed to do the self-fulfilling extobiology phase of the game, except for the fact that caliborn broke the game before they even had the chance. Are we meant to understand the cherubs were a naturally occuring species in the alpha universe unrelated to intelligent life destined to play the game, and that's why gamzee intervening to get them into a game resulted in a null session as well as the proceeding fuckery?

Yeah, Calliope and Caliborn are some of the few characters in the comic who weren't created through ectobiology. Instead, they were conceived and hatched the natural way for their species.

This is all explained by Aranea in perhaps unnecessary but IMO fascinating detail when she gives her whole cherub sex spiel. The mating battle that we witness during that section of the comic is in fact the moment when Calliope and Caliborn were conceived. Ah, the miracle of life.

And actually, the cherubs didn't hatch in the alpha universe—they hatched in the universe that the kids create!* They were born on Earth C, far far into its future after civilizations have risen and fallen and the sun it orbits has become a red giant. We know this thanks to this conversation between Hussie and Caliborn:

Earth has been through a lot. It was even relocated a couple times. YES. I BROUGHT IT WITH ME, I THINK. INTO THE GAME. Yes. But it was relocated once even before that. It was moved from its native solar system, where it circled around a little yellow sun. Then it founds its way to a new system, around your big red sun. It stayed there for a good while, until your sun started dying.

When Hussie says that Earth was relocated, he's referring to Jade (or Vriska? I guess it was Vriska post-retcon) bringing Earth from the alpha universe into the universe the kids create. Thus, the cherubs are from Earth C.

So yeah, cherubs are a naturally occurring species in the universe the kids create. In fact, I always imagined that cherubs exist in many/all(?) universes in Paradox Space, with their role being something akin to a universal immune system. This would put them in a special role that sets them apart from the ordinary species that evolve within each universe. That's how I interpret Aranea's spiel about cherubs, anyway.

Anyway! I'd also like to challenge the notion that all Sburb players have to be created with ectobiology.

Now, there are certain groups of people who are destined to have to play Sburb because they were ectobiologically created within the game. If they don't play, they don't fulfill the conditions for their own existence, causing a time paradox and dooming the timeline. The beta kids and trolls fall into this category.

But that doesn't mean that the reverse is true! You don't necessarily have to be created by ectobiology in order to play Sburb. In fact, we see in the early acts of the comic that quite a lot of humans on Earth start their own Sburb sessions and write up FAQs for the game and become Gents of Piss and so on. But there's no evidence that all of these people crashed to Earth on meteors as babies. Instead, they were able to piggyback off the version of Sburb that was created from the frog ruins seeded by the beta kids' session.

This is kind of similar to what I think happened for the cherubs. They have Gamzee's computer which presumably still has Sgrub installed, so that's most likely the version of the game Caliborn played. The cherubs don't have their own frog temple or their own version of the game; they had to piggyback off of someone else's.

Presumably, this sort of shortcut is the only way that Caliborn could ever have played the game. There's a lot in the comic about how cherubs as a species were never "meant" to play Sburb, and certainly it seems improbable that a dead session like Caliborn's could possibly be fruitful enough to seed its own player and frog temple through ectobiology. This means Caliborn was only able to play by taking advantage of a loophole, which I have to say is very fitting for him. That's my boy all right. That's my boy.

* Interestingly, this means that no matter how much Caliborn/Lord English opposes the kids, he actually needs them to win the game—if they don't, his own home universe will never be created and he can never be born!

[ekingston]

Hey, hope you are doing well!

THANK YOU for the summary and timeline and all you have done to rally fandom to fight off this Wordstream bullshit!

Is there anything non-writers (and also non-americans) can do to help right now?

Hello and thank you for asking and yes, absolutely!!! I may have accidentally gotten this particular piece of momentum going, but the amount of attention word-stream’s shameless theft got online is what ultimately led to the CEO at least temporarily hiding the works from view. I am just one person with a limited amount of resources and I’m a little worried that, now that people no longer see their fanworks listed, the attention might die down, and Cliff Weitzman’s willingness to cut it the fuck out will fade right along with it. It’s pretty obvious that Weitzman himself is counting on that happening.

The work fandom did in such a short amount of time is fantastic, but right now I’m mostly seeing a lot of ‘could you’ and ‘do you think you will…’ and ‘someone should…’ and ‘why hasn’t anyone…’, and I would like to extend a collective ‘Why not you?’

Cliff Weitzman has now blocked me on the-platform-formerly-known-as-Twitter, as it’s likely the place he feels he has the most to lose reputation-wise. I would love it if, specifically on that platform (and possibly his Instagram, as well), we simply didn’t allow him to pretend nothing happened because our works are still on word-stream’s servers. It would be great if we could work together to keep up the pressure until Weitzman removes the stolen work entirely and/or comes out with some kind of genuine ‘my bad, i won’t do it again’.

I’m staying on the lookout for further fuckery, but I really hope you all will, too!

[starlightmeissa]

Hi, me again! Just saw the Fluffy Clouds art you posted a bit ago, and I was wondering - the Haori Seiko was wearing, since it has the two symbols on each shoulder in the front like that, means it's specifically a male/masculine presenting one. Is this deliberate as an expression of Seiko's gender identity in the future or is this more 'i found a jacket and it's comfy leave me alone I'm poor'.

Both are cool, i just kinda fixated on that detail since Seiko seems to have a similar body type to mine (just less chubby 😅) and I'm non binary myself, so I immediately went '!!!' (Insert pointing meme).

I'm also wondering if I'm picking up the correct subtext of Seiko ending up a sort of Queer Platonic Life Partner to the other two? Or even romantic partner (clear into the future when that's appropriate)? Hi this is me being Ace and possibly projecting twice in one Ask 😅😅😅

It does give me questions and ideas about Seiko's relationship with Kakashi though. Step parent/Auntie shaped questions and ideas.

If it does go that way I imagine Jiraiya is going to be punched very hard over another 'ladies man' comment. Mentioning Jiraiya is wonder if his relationship with the team gets obviously bad enough, his own team will intervene? Tsunade obviously, but if it catches Orochimaru's interest in a 'you idiot not like that do this instead' way it could really lead to an interesting timeline. Possibly with little Anko? If nothing else it means Orochimaru would absolutely Get Got by Seiko if he ever hurt her.

I have two settings, wholesome and angst as you can see

Hope you're having a nice time, i like the new username!

oh my gosh i love this ask. lemme answer each thing you talked about in order!

warnings for spoilers related to fluffy clouds below, as well as gratuitously long explanations. continue at your own risk :D

the Haori Seiko was wearing, since it has the two symbols on each shoulder in the front like that, means it's specifically a male/masculine presenting one. Is this deliberate as an expression of Seiko's gender identity in the future or is this more 'i found a jacket and it's comfy leave me alone I'm poor'.

the meta answer to this is i wanted to have her strong allegiance to the uzumaki clan very obvious to anyone who looks at her, and didn't realize that her style of haori was more masculine. BUT! your thoughts also do not at all go against my personal interpretation of seiko's gender identity. in fact this adds to it.

seiko is very much a self insert for me, she thinks and feels about many things in the same way that i do. so i would say her gender identity, like mine, is likely agender or something similarly ambiguous. i've kind of made it a point to show that she looks fairly androgenous as a child and will likely continue to do so as she becomes an adult. she also dresses fairly masculinely as well, which adds to that.

so what i'll say is, you are not wrong to recognize some gender fuckery, and you can absolutely interpret her as nb! i use she/her pronouns for her, but honestly i think she would have been the Exact Same Person and fine with using he/him or they/them pronouns depending on what was easiest for her to deal with in her society. she only really cares about womanhood and gender insomuch as it can benefit her or make her life more annoying.

tldr: it is both because the haori is cheaper in a masculine style AND because seiko does not care about gender!

I'm picking up the correct subtext of Seiko ending up a sort of Queer Platonic Life Partner to the other two? Or even romantic partner (clear into the future when that's appropriate)?

i've tried not to talk about the "end pairing" stuff too much in the interest of not spoiling people, but if you're in my discord server you know how i personally feel like this will end. i think one commenter i got MONTHS ago pretty accurately guessed my thoughts.

"i'm not convinced seiko would even be into that (romance), or enjoy it. i feel like she'd have several extremely close platonic relationships - maybe even sexual partners that are also close friends, but i just don't know if romantic love is something i would associate with her characterization as described so far.) (there's also the mental age gap to consider)" - via slippedonair on ch11

seiko is somewhere on the aro spectrum. i have hinted at this but not outright stated it since it's not really something she worries about.

there will likely be sexual, platonic, and even romantic relationships in fluffy clouds, but they will all be heavily influenced by the fact that seiko does not seek out nor experience romantic attraction. a lot of people have gotten pretty invested in future possible pairings, which i really enjoy and encourage, though i wasn't expecting it when i initially wrote fluffy clouds.

in short: yes, seiko will become a kind of queer platonic life partner to the two of them, and yes, that relationship may be sexual or romantic in places. likely because the other two DO experience romantic attraction and seiko does not.

this also means that seiko will likely have other, deep platonic and/or sexual relationships with other people who aren't kushina and minato. i've already shown that seiko DOES care about other people like mikoto and ayako in very specific ways. they and others will have their places in this fic.

but i think in my head the core of this fic is seiko, kushina, and minato. it'll always be those three, in the end. even if there may be hiccups before then. they will love each other like breathing, like bleeding, like eating, and nothing can ever change that.

It does give me questions and ideas about Seiko's relationship with Kakashi though. Step parent/Auntie shaped questions and ideas.

kakashi has only JUST been born in the current timeline of the fic, but i have Plans for him. i wonder how a unreasonably competent genius child reacts to being given a genius teacher. i wonder how he reacts to his genius teacher's teammate (who minato is always comparing himself to) who does not care about the ninja rules unless it's to her benefit.

yeah, they're gonna be fun together. i can't wait.

Mentioning Jiraiya is wonder if his relationship with the team gets obviously bad enough, his own team will intervene?

i think i will say that it get's worse before it get's better, and that tsunade and orochimaru absolutely are side-eyeing him the whole time. especially tsunade, who, through butterflies, is a little more invested in kushina as a person than she was in canon.

in my head, tsunade was not very interested in being around kushina after her brother's death due to their similarity in temperament/personality. but in fluffy clouds, kushina actively seeks out tsunade more for "how do i destroy my rival tsu-oba" reasons and tsunade is forced to give more of a shit.

orochimaru though. well. i dont know if you can tell but every time i write him in this fic i'm just like "wow you are fascinating i want to dissect your brain in a lab. or see what you do to a therapist." i think when i show him more it will be clear why i considered him as seiko's jonin teacher, and in fact i think you'll also see why that would have never worked for either of them.

(listen i realize i answered like nothing ab what they'll do but i can't show you aaaalll my cards)

Hope you're having a nice time, i like the new username!

TY!!! i was really worried about stupid stuff like branding, and it kept me from changing my user for a really long time. "TheOneKrafter" has started feeling really childish and ill fitting as i get older, and i figured my core readers wouldn't care ab a bit of a name change anyways. i'm glad you like it!!

[purgatory-is-life]

Martim week 2025-day three-au

"I feel like I've met you before....."

( @martimweek2025 )

(Explanation/au details under the cut)

This au is a god au of sorts! I don't have all the details worked out but here's what i got

-Tim is the god of sex, grief, vengeance, missed connections, i think friendships and familial relationships?? (and probably patron of trans kids it could go either way w/ what ive got so far)

-Martin is the god of isolation, love, kindness, and sickness (might give him something to do with spiders too)

-the horrors are still present but not like. directly coming from the fears

-Long, long ago, back when these concepts were first gaining worship and first gaining physical forms, two were drawn together--and they were practically inseparable. however, tragedy struck and the gods of old disappeared.

-Enter main canon timeline! Tim and martin have just started down in the Archives of the Magnus Institute! Jon has his own stuff going on but rest assured he's having a Bad Time

-Tim and Martin are quick friends, though they both have some underlying baggage (there is some magic fuckery with the institute, after all)

-Tim knows at least abt some of his powers, I don't think martin knows anything abt his own powers yet. Tim is Very Bad at hiding his powers, but is trying very hard to keep them underwraps

thats abt all i got for now :P

[beesbiteandwillowrites]

DP x DC Prompt: "City of Ghosts"

Gotham is a part of the Infinite Realms.

It's a bit of a mythical place really. Ghosts don't go there, and Gotham ghosts don't venture out of their city haunt. Everyone in the Infinite Realms knows that Gotham is a lawless place. They avoid it like the plague. Skulker doesn't hunt there. Walker ignores all the violations of the rules and laws of the Infinite Realms that happen within city limits. Pariah Dark didn't touch that area with a ten-foot pole, in spite of being king of everything within the Infinite Realms. Even Dan hadn't bothered with that place in his own timeline, its inhabitants too twisted and feral for him to fight (he had scars from when he fought some fucked up guy with a shadowcore that somehow powered bright flaming swords bc what's the logic in that?). Gotham is its own brand of crazy not even the bravest and most power-hungry ghosts touched.

Unfortunately, nobody thought to tell Danny this.

Now, you can go so many ways with this. Danny could catch the attention by everyone's favourite serial adopter who sees a baby ghost in need of training and make him a ghost-bat. You can have shipping fics between Danny and any of the bats. You can have Gotham's insane rogues set their sights on the new halfa and enter Amity Park through the portal.

I'm a ho for Jason Todd and I love to ship him with just about anyone, so what if when Danny enters Gotham, he meets a ghost boy by the name Robin, who talks about reading books and protecting people and who saves Danny from a mob of feral city ghosts and is just generally really cute and oh shit, Danny might have a crush.

And then Robin's existence is wiped away by a crazy clown who tortures the boy and shatters his core into so many shards he fades away, and Danny believes the love of his life death is truly gone

Jason's resurrection would be fascinating to explore bc what kind of bullshit could damage a core so beyond repair and what cosmic fuckery actually pulls all those shards back together? (my shipping heart says "Danny accepting the crown caused a power surge and brought Jason back" for drama)

Or maybe Red Hood already exists, and you can pair him with Dan, do an enemies-to-lovers kinda fic, where they were at each other's throat in the initial timeline, but end up falling for each other in the second timeline

Or explore the first timeline and write a tragedy in which Jason has to watch how his partner gets more twisted and warped as time goes on and ends up becoming his enemy

Just Gotham as a ghost town. Literally.

(I may be hyperfixating on this a little at the moment)