#it's like they had this whole idea of a surprise disabled major character and then got scared

[kariachi]

Reread some bits of Dragon’s Kin earlier for reasons and was reminded that Nuella goes from ‘nice enough kid for her situation, not awful rep in and of herself’ to ‘I will beat these writers with a half-brick in a sock’ over the course of the book.

[maybeclever]

Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros- Book Review (Spoilers after the cut)

Rating: 3.75/5

I adored the first book in this series. I thought Violet was a strong, relatable character, and it was refreshing to have disabled MC in a high fantasy setting-especially a setting so focused on violence and warfare.

Going into this book, I was worried by its turn around time. I understand that novels can be drafted for years before they reach a publisher, but it's always a warning sign in my head when sequels come out so quickly. And I'm afraid, to a certain extent, time was not on Iron Flame's side. I love the epic fantasy genre, so length doesn't scare me away, but for what happened in this novel, it was WAY too long.

Plotwise, it was just fine. I liked some of the things that were done, and others I did not. And, like all novels, the climax built up the tension and there's epic scenarios, but the resolution left me just… fine.

That's not to say there was stuff I didn't enjoy. There was a lot I did. There was great growth in side characters, and we saw the introduction of great new characters and got to explore new signets. That said, a lot of what I did like contains spoilers so I need to save that for under the cut.

Overall, it's the second book in a five book series. It suffered from major second book syndrome, and I just worry that there's not enough substance to sustain a five book series. What I enjoyed, I enjoyed a lot, but we'll see how far that carries the series.

SPOILERS BELOW FOR PLOT SPECIFIC LIKES AND DISLIKES

Likes: Violet had a conflicted reaction to Brennan's survival. Violet chose to believe in her friends over keeping secrets. Violet called Xaden out when his protective instincts turned smothering rather than supportive. Andarna being disabled was surprising, but rooted in character decision which made it so impactful. The idea to offer representation this way was bold, and refreshing, and I adored it. Secret 7th dragon type. Lilith Sorrengail was a flawed person and mother, but she loved her children until the end. Most of Part 1 as a whole

Dislikes: It felt like Yarros knew what story beats she wanted Vi and Xaden's relationship to hit at the beginning and end, but because the book was so long, they moved in circles CONSTANTLY. Any growth was always immediately forgotten for the sake of drama. Varrish was a terrifying and horrible man that was built up to be a terrible villain and road block for the characters. He only lasted half the novel. I wish we had more time to come to terms with Lilith's love for her children. Even if she died early book 3 instead, it would have felt more impactful. It still was emotional, but I didn't find it to be as heart wrenching as she was aiming for. I'm gonna say it. I wasn't a die hard Xaden fan after the first book, his refusal to see Vi's side in this book annoyed me, and his "sacrifice" at the end didn't affect me. Is he endgame? Yes, probably. Am I excited by that prospect? Not if it's all going to be like this.

[silverwings22]

Song of the Sea: Chapter 43: The Dead Don't Die

Series Warning: explicit smut, alien anatomy (it's a monsterfucker fic, guys), major character injury, grief, canon typical violence, autistic meltdowns, and my terrible attempts at Mando'a Chapter Warnings: PTSD/trauma, trauma bonding, suicidal ideation, disability, biological weaponry, grief

Previous chapter:

Next chapter:

“Clone Force 99 is dead. It died when Tech did. You should know that better than anyone.”

“If it’s dead, then… then Tech’s not…” 

Shiani couldn’t get the conversation out of her head. She didn’t know what hurt more, the idea that Crosshair believed what they had been was dead… or that it might be true. 

Tech had believed in Clone Force 99. He’d told her a thousand stories about his brothers and the bond that made them what they were. The elite, undefeated, unstoppable team of brothers who’d never failed a mission or lost a solider during the whole war. When Shiani had joined them, she could only watch his rueful expression when he said their sudden string of failure could only be attributed to Crosshair’s loss. 

“He’ll come back one day, Tech. I know he will. He’s a part of the Bad Batch!”

“I do hope you are correct, cyar’ika. Clone Force 99 is… incomplete.” 

Incomplete. Not dead. But Crosshair hadn’t been dead during that discussion. He’d only been missing. Tech was dead. Tech was gone forever. Tech was-

“You okay, Shiani? You’ve been really quiet lately.” Omega startled her, plopping down on the ship steps next to her. 

“Yes, I’m okay.” Shiani sighed, lifting her arm and putting it around the girl. “Just lots of thoughts.” 

“They look like sad thoughts. Your head tentacles get all droopy when you’re sad.” Omega put her head against the siren’s shoulder. “Are you thinking about Tech?”

“I always think about Tech.” Shiani sighed, pressing a kiss to Omega’s hair. “He’d be so proud of you, you know?” She forced a smile, and Omega might have been able to tell it was fake but she knew the siren meant what she’d said. Tech would have been proud. Omega had finished what he’d started, and brought the family together safely again.

Now they just had to keep it that way. 

“Echo hasn’t called yet.” Omega sighed, showing her the screen of her comm. “I’m getting worried…”

“Too much worry will stunt your growth.” Shiani squished her, three times and lightly. “You’re barely hold enough to hunt.”

“The Empire’s hunting me.” The girl grumbled. “I need to find out why. Rex and Echo lost most of their men on Teth, and there’s got to be some way to help them.”

“The best way you can help them is to lay low.” They both looked up to find Crosshair standing in front of them, arms cross and a toothpick in his mouth. “Staring at your comm won’t make him call you any father.” 

“There was nothing in Tech’s files about the M-count thing, so I asked for help.” Shiani patted Omega on the shoulder. 

Crosshair glanced at the siren. The two of them hadn’t spoken much since they’d gotten back from Teth, just going through the motions of the day to day. “You have friends other than us?” He asked, surprised. 

Shaini scrunched her face at him. “Rude.”

He rolled his eyes. “I mean where did you make a friend? You’re always with us.”

Before she could answer, Wrecker poked his head out. “Shiani, Phee is on the comm.” 

“Oh good.” She pushed herself up and limped up the steps.

Crosshair looked at Omega. “Who?”

“She’s a liberator of ancient wonders.” Omega smiled brightly. Crosshair looked wholly unimpressed and cocked an eyebrow until she sighed. “A pirate. She’s a pirate.” 

They both followed Shiani up into the ship, finding the siren already talking to a pretty dark skinned woman. “I looked into that M-count thing you asked about. It wasn’t easy.”

“I still appreciate the effort. Did you find anything?”

“Only that some class-one bounty hunters are picking up high M-count targets for the Empire. That’s all I could find.”

“But what do they even want?” Hunter grumbled. 

“Don’t look at me. Tech’s brain was the vault, not mine.” Phee shrugged. “For anything else, you’ll have to ask a bounty hunter.” 

Shiani’s expression dropped at the mention of her mate’s name. She never wanted to shy away from talking about him, but the cold shock sometimes hit her as the loss hit her all over again. She could never say it was sudden remembrance, the memory never went away.

Hunter and Wrecker exchanged looks. “We’ll need to find a bounty hunter.”

Omega raised an eyebrow. “What about Fennec?”

For the second time today, Crosshair cocked his head to the side. “Who?” 

“Tried to take Omega on Pantora, right after we left Kamino.” Shiani sighed. “She was working for Nala Se to protect Omega… but targets change. Can’t trust her around Omega with so much money at stake.” 

Hunter nodded. “Wrecker and I will go. Crosshair, you stay with Omega and Shiani.” 

Shiani nodded, less than thrilled to be left behind, but her mind was whirring. “Any idea where she is, Phee?”

“I’ll get you the coordinates.” The pirate said kindly. 

“Thank you.” She shoved herself up again. “I’m getting my toolkit. If I’m gonna be stuck outside all day, I’ve got something I want to work on.” 

Crosshair frowned as she grabbed the large, rolling toolbox, and went to help her get it down the ramp. “What the hell are you planning?” 

Once they were out, Hunter knelt in front of Omega. “I know you and Shiani hate this, with us splitting up. But it’s too dangerous right now, especially if a bounty hunter is involved.”

She sighed. “I know…”

“I’ve got a mission for you, while we’re gone. See if you can get Crosshair to get his hand looked at… ignoring the problem won’t make it go away.” 

Omega nodded again and looked out the ramp to see Crosshair leaning over Shiani while she started inventorying her tools while he gave her a suspicious look. 

“I’ll see what I can do.” The girl nodded. “Be careful.”

“We will. Promise.” 

Shiani had been working, sitting under the big tree at the top of Upper Pabu, for hours. She’d plugged her welding torch into a solar cell and had a disassembled blaster laid out, gutted, with vials and test tubes sitting around her. 

“That better not be my sidearm.” Crosshair’s shadow eclipsed her, and she looked up with her welding goggles still on. It made her look even more googly-eyed, and made him think of Tech when they were cadets. 

“It’s not. It’s a spare we had in the back.” She mumbled around a curved, mouthguard shaped duraplast cup in her mouth that was filling with some kind of yellowish liquid. 

“The fuck are you doing?” He sighed, sitting down next to her.

She took the cup from her mouth and set it beside her. “Making a weapon that can even take down one of those operatives.” She started loading hypodermic needles into a clip she’d modified. 

“You can’t be thinking about fighting them. You saw what happened on Teth. He took out most of the base by himself before Wolffe’s men even got there.”

“I know.” Shiani poured the cup of venom into a test tube and attached it to the back of the blaster stock. “How’d your checkup with AZI go?”

“You’re deflecting.” He huffed, lowering himself to the ground beside her and pulling out a toothpick. 

“So? What did he say about your hand?” 

“The droid doesn’t know a goddamn thing. It says there’s nothing wrong with my hand physically and it’s all in my head.” Crosshair growled. 

“And you find that surprising?” Shiani paused from her work, giving him an incredulous look.

“You think I’m crazy?” He looked positively mutinous.

“I think you’re traumatized.” She pushed the welding goggles up on top of her head with a sigh. “I remember everything Tech ever told me about you. You’re brave. You’re a fighter, you don’t run or hide. But whatever happened to you, you won’t even talk about it to your own family. You only talk to me because I’m just as broken as you are and you know it.” 

He rubbed his right hand with his left, eyes dropping. He’d thought she’d write him off as a coward, with the droid saying the shakes were mental. “It’s not in my head.” He muttered stubbornly after a minutes. 

“Yes it is.” Shiani huffed and lightly swatted him with a tentacle on the knee. “You know how I know?”

“How?” He glared at her. 

“You said Clone Force 99 died with Tech.” She narrowed her eyes when she looked back at him. “Not when you got separated. Not when you didn’t come home. When Tech died.’ 

“I know what I sa-”

“So you think whatever made Clone Force 99 special could still go on without you, for a long time, but couldn’t go on without him.” She swallowed hard. “And you volunteered twice on Teth to stay behind and hold the line until we could get away. Once in the spire and once in the jungle. You want to protect the family, but you’re just like me. If someone has to, you want to be the one that dies.” 

The simple truth slapped him in the face, Shiani’s eyes fixed on him to make sure he couldn’t escape it. “... it’s what I deserve.” He finally said. “Tech didn’t.”

“You deserve peace, Crosshair. Tech didn’t make the choice to go to Eriadu for anyone but you. Plan 99 was a result of that.”

“Then what did you do it for?” He watched her test the weight and calibrate a few more things before removing the grip of the blaster and start fixing it to her vambrace, looking more like traditional Mandalorian Whistling Birds than anything resembling the blaster she’d started with. 

“I went for the same reason I did everything. For Tech.” She unwrapped her still bruised wrist and snapped the vambrace on, flexing as she checked the mechanics of the modified trigger she could now operate with her thumb. 

He sighed. Of course she had done it for Tech… she loved the dead clone more than anything in the galaxy. She’d be loyal to that memory until the day she joined him. It was both heart shattering and a little inspiring… what a love that must have been to see in person. He already knew Tech had looked at her like the siren hung the stars in the sky. How had Shiani looked at his brother? Like he was the warmth of the sun on the water’s surface? 

“So what’s the big idea behind dismantling a perfectly good DC-17?” He couldn’t make himself ask about Tech again, turning his eyes to the weapon. 

“I can’t fight the way I used to. I can’t get close enough to bite and be fast enough to get away… but I can turn venom into darts.” She smiled faintly. “No matter what they do to those operatives, they’re still flesh and blood. Even if they replace every limb with metal, the chest, neck, and head must still be human. And that means I can take them down with this.” 

“That’s batshit fucking crazy chemical warfare. I like it.” Crosshair chuckled. “And Omega thinks I need therapy.”

“You do. This is my therapy.” She started to pack up her tools. “You should try whatever Omega’s suggesting. She’s usually pretty right about stuff.”

He glanced up, spotting Omega making a beeline for them. “I’ll cut you a deal. Whatever she suggests, you do it too. If you do, I won’t tell Hunter you’re violating several articles of the Coruscanti Convention about biological warfare agents.”

She huffed. “You’re such a jerk.”

“Make your choice, squidlett. She’s almost here.”

“Fine.”

Omega popped up with a smile. “I’ve got an idea, but you’re going to have to trust me.”

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” Crosshair sighed, looking at Shiani.

“You don’t like anything.” Both Omega and Shiani said at the same time.

“... true.” He sighed. “But squidlett is doing it too.”

Omega had dragged them down the beach, to a place where sand became stone and the setting sun illuminated everything in golds and purples against the darkening blue. The two clones sat cross legged, though Shiani had slid to the edge and let her feet dangle into the water while she watched the sunset.

Crosshair was skeptical, eying Omega out of the corner of his eye. “And you think this is going to work?”

“Your trouble is in your mind, right? So this will help you heal. Now adjust your position and relax.” 

Shiani put her hands, palm up, on her knees like Omega had shown her. Crosshair still didn’t look convinced. “Where did you even learn this?”

“My friend Gungi, on Kashyyyk.” Omega looked at Shiani. She was less vocal than Crosshair about her lack of faith in meditation, but she just seemed to be staring into space. “You’ve gotta try, Shiani.”

“You’ve been to Kashyyyk?” Crosshair frowned. 

“You missed a lot.” Omega put her hand over his trembling one and turned it palm up, holding it gently. It may have been the gentlest gesture he’d ever received, and he could only stare at her hand on his for a long time before deciding to take this seriously. 

“I know.” He closed his eyes. He had missed so much, and he hated that he had. He could have found a begrudging peace that was currently warming his chest under his armor a long time ago.

Omega turned her attention to Shiani. The siren’s big eyes looked misty, faraway but open, as she seemed to be silently lost in her thoughts. It was as much meditation as Omega could get out of her, and let herself drift off as well. 

Shiani had tried, she really had, to find peace. She had tried to sink into a floating, suspended state and think of the things that had once made her happy. Swimming at the colorful, lively reef with Tech. Laying on the beach or in the bunk, curled up against Tech while she listened to him breathe. Listening to him talk. Building something with him. Just looking at him while he did literally anything at all…

Everything came back to him. How the hell did she find peace when she couldn’t think of anything in the galaxy she’d been happy during that he wasn’t the center of? What did it say about her that she didn’t know how to be without him. 

Tech. It’s always Tech. It’ll always be Tech, no matter how many new memories I make. The best ones will always be the ones he’s in…

There was something icy cold and depressing about the realization she’d never be that happy again. He had his hand inside her ribcage, holding all three hearts in his hand, for the rest of her life. Even she didn’t understand how he’d taken over her life without her putting up a fight. 

When the tears leaked down her cheeks, she didn’t bother trying to stop them. Maybe crying was what she needed, to let all the hurt out like a flood that swallowed Kamino long ago. Pabu might need the water… if it didn’t, it wouldn’t notice a little more.

When she finally looked around, Crosshair and Omega looked content as they leaned slightly against each other and watched the sunset. The sniper was coming to terms with the idea of just… being, whoever he turned out to be when the orders and skills and duty were stripped away. Omega looked happy she was helping the brother she loved so much, who’d been through so much for so long. 

Shiani hadn’t found peace, but she did see a purpose. She’d die without question for Omega and her brothers, if that was what it took.

[gasterofficial]

could you explain how horrortale is ableist? i had no idea, and i'm shocked that it falls into those horrible characterisation :(

but if you don't want to, that's totally chill too! you don't owe some anon anything lmao ^-^

since I've had a couple people ask, I'm going to provide a slightly more in-depth explanation of why horrortale is ableist. content warnings for everything below the cut: ableism (obviously), discussion of graphic gore, unsettling content, and flagrant mischaracterization of sans undertale.

alright, so before we even talk about sans or alphys there's the whole issue of the treatment of physical and mental disorders (specifically psychosis) as a source of horror. this is an issue with the horror genre in general of course, so it comes as no surprise to see it in horrortale, but I really had higher hopes for the creator to not fall into those same tropes. i don't really want to read back through the comic to pick out all of the examples throughout, but like half of the main characters are at some point referred to as deranged, crazy, insane, or psycho and therefore "shouldn't be trusted." this is just classic "mentally ill/neurodivergent = scary!!!" and isn't just lazy horror but actively perpetuates harmful stereotypes. also this one is less egregious but papyrus is supposed to be scary just because he has yellow and crooked teeth??? bad dental hygiene = horror now. i feel like this is also ableist or classist or SOMETHING but i don't even want to try to define it past it being silly and dumb so. moving on.

ok so. sans himself. the entire conceit of sans's character in horrortale is that undyne smashes his head in because she's mad at him for not using his spooky magic eye to attempt to save the CORE from a power outage, and then after that he "suffers mood swings and delusions" that make him ~SPOOKY~ because obviously mood swings and psychosis make you an evil murderer who wants to torture children.

(image transcription: *His increasing psychosis makes him difficult to trust.)

(image transcription: *You're dead. A deranged goat mom made a twisted promise with a psychotic and it ended up with a bone up your throat.)

Both of the above images are in reference to sans, and the second one not only refers to sans as "a psychotic" but also calls toriel deranged. double ableism win!

Painting psychotic people or people who suffer from mood disorders as evil murderers isn't even as bad as it gets, either! Let me introduce you to the shitshow that is how this au treats alphys.

In this story, after undyne smashes sans's head in she takes his magical eye and gives it to alphys, who uses it to get the core back up and running, thereby saving the ENTIRE UNDERGROUND from magical starvation. thought to be dead, sans survives the beating through some sort of magical connection to his eye and immediately goes to find alphys and retrieve the eye. the literal instant he finds her he uses bone attacks to destroy the entire fucking CORE, takes his eye back, and then attacks alphys before leaving.

Let's just ignore how little sense sans's actions make both in terms of the storyline and his character, and take a look at what happens when others finally make it to the CORE and find alphys after sans is through with her:

yep. that's right. he leaves alphys ""lobotomized"" (this is the description the author used, though this is not at all what an actual lobotomy is) with her brain exposed, which somehow causes her to morph into quite possibly the worst stereotype of an insane mentally disabled person that i've ever seen!!! a stereotype of mental disability which we are explicitly meant to interpret as horror!!!

and yet, despite all of this, the creator and the majority of the fans who participated in a creator-run poll consider alphys to be the villain of the story, there is no follow-up of any sort on what happens to alphys, and sans receives no consequences for his actions.

so yeah, that is why i’m not a fan of horrortale sans and horrortale as a whole.

[putris-et-mulier]

I think I've been following your blogs for somewhere around 10 years now, and I'm curious; do you consider yourself part of the reason Spideypool is as big as it is? If you hadn't started that Spideypool blog way back when, which also had a ton of Deadpool analysis stuff, I honestly don't think the ship would have gained as much traction as it has. God, remember when there was like 2 pages worth of Spideypool on AO3 and it was all mostly comic-verse? Different times.

I am absolutely the reason and I don't say that to be boastful because I actually made very little original content. I think this is a good example of something a lot of people in fandom don't realize; propaganda is important.

Years ago I shared a few pieces of Spideypool fanart on my main and a few people said it was cute and asked who it was, then about a week later someone asked if I had anymore so I put it all on a separate blog so it would be easy to find and I immediately got a couple hundred followers so I decided to make something out of it.  

I curated the best fan works and tagged everything then set up a menu so people could find anything they wanted really easily

I  made sure all sources were correct and encouraged people  to generate notes and good comments until there was a stream of content being generated

I made a few half assed things myself or held events when things were slow

I made sure to make a big deal out of every holiday and reblogged anything that remotely fit

The source material was inaccessible and completely foreign to most people at the time so I wrote little essays about every aspect of the characters I knew would appeal to shippers. every essay was highly specific so it could be short as possible and I tried to make the majority of the posts pictures from the comic so people would remember the details as if they had read the comics themselves.

People were always surprised to learn that I wasn't that big of a Spideypool fan and I hadn't even read much of anything  Deadpool until I made the blog and needed to know about him in order to write those essays; luckily I did end up liking most of them.

Because of my disabilities I have a hard time doing things like  making art or writing fanfic anymore but I am good at administrative work from being an admin and mod in a LOT of fandom groups over the years. I used these skills along with  my love of research and literally created the fandom in the English speaking community. It eventually led to me becoming  acquainted with people at Marvel which then led to the community getting the Spideypool series which is still making them loads of money.

The whole thing became a passion project for me because I was able to use the propaganda I was making out of the comics to make propaganda for causes I cared about. I can't tell you how many times people told me they had no idea what ableism was until they followed me to see horny shit.

Creatives are the lifeblood of fandom but people with a gift for propagandizing are the ones that pump the blood so don't ever feel like you can't contribute to a community because you can't draw or write and if you want to do something meaningful there is always a way to combined the things care about with the things you love.

[not-enough-teeth-and-treasures]

An Autistic’s Perspective on Tears of Themis’ Representation (spoiler alert: it’s bad)

Before you read, I should warn you that there will be spoilers for Chapter Five! Read at your own risk. Also, trigger warning for discussions of ableism and harmful disablility stereotypes. I get pretty heated as well, so if you’re not a fan of swearing and stuff, then it might be best to skip this.

So, I was debating whether or not I wanted to talk about this, mostly because this game doesn’t do anything new in regards to the perception of autism in media. Unfortunately, it ends up leaning into a lot of not great tropes and goes into “what the fuck that’s incredibly offensive territory” waaay to quickly. So here I am.

The most prevelant character with autism (or who we start out thinking has autism. Don’t worry, I’ll get to that) is a small, supergenius child (a boy as well *sigh*) is so overdone at this point that there aren’t many new criticisms I can say. The stereotype of autism presented in media is overwhelmingly extremely intelligent (usually with sciency or math based interests) men with no ability to socialize or be kind to others. This not only paints autism as a disability that effects men primarily (which creates intense stigma around AFAB autistic people and makes it harder for us to get diagnosed or believed), but also creates this expectation of greatness. Autistic people are often held to superhuman standards, which further others and dehumanizes us in the eyes of allistic people. The vast majority of autistic people are not savants, and that it perfectly fine.

But all of this is pretty standard. The red flags started popping up when it was revealed that the autistic kid, Hugh, doesn’t actually have autism and is faking it in order to keep people from asking hard questions about him or trying to pry into his life (which is full of secrets). I’m definitely not a fan of perpetuating the idea that people fake diabilities in order to manipulate people, so this plot twist was not my favorite. However, it wasn’t really enough to inspire me to write a whole ass essay about the representation. And then I got to the fucking text conversation with Vyn.

Here is where I’m gonna put a trigger warning for talk about eugenics, curing autism, ableism, and basically just a fuck ton of awful shit. Fuck, this makes me so mad.

So, I went in and took screenshots of both options just to see, and all of them lead to terrible bullshit. Lets start out pretty light with the MC and Vyn discussing symptoms.

This is a pretty limited and honestly incomplete explanation of autistic behaviors. These can definitely be symptoms, but they’re heavily overcovered and really basic. A lot of autistic people don’t have these symptoms, and it would be really nice if more media branched out and covered more of the spectrum. However, considering they don’t do anything different in any other areas, I’m not surprised.

Also not a fan of Vyn’s use of “abnormal.” It has some very negative connotations and is a bit insulting, honestly. These behaviors are perfectly “normal;” they’re just not as accepted by neurotypical people. Plus, no behaviors can really be labeled as normal because humans are complex and different.

That was the easy shit. Let’s get into the truly awful garbage.

This is treading into ABA territory here. For those of you who are unaware, ABA is pushed as the best autistic therapy, but a large majority of autistic adults consider it to be abusive and unhelpful. This is mainly because it seeks to “correct” many behaviors that are helpful for autistic people. It seeks to surpress stims (which are behaviors that improve the mental health of autistic children), force us to talk (as opposed to letting us use sign language and technology), and more. This harms our mental health and makes us ashamed of who we are. These behaviors do not need to be “corrected.” We don’t need to act “normally.” All this therapy does is make us more palitable for neurotypical people, and it’s bullshit.

It also doesn’t help that ABA was pioneered by Ivar Lovaas, a man who did not believe autistic people were human. He developed ABA as a way to “build a person” using harsh punishments such as withholding affection and ELECTRIC SHOCKS. If you think this is a think of the past, you’d be wrong. Electric shocks are still being used to harm disabled people. Look up the hashtag #StopTheShock to learn more and help push for legislation that bans this practice.

Oh, and did I mention Ivar Lovaas also inspired gay conversion therapy? Because he did! So yeah, fuck ABA and fuck Vyn for performing it (god damn it, Vyn, I liked you a lot).

And now, onto the eugenics. Fuck my life.

FUCK! THIS! BULLSHIT!

I am so tired of autism being treated as this horrific disease that needs a cure. I had a perfectly fine childhood. Yes, it was hard at times, yes I got traumatized, but a large part of that was due to ableism and abuse from teachers and peers. A large reason why autistic people suffer is because the world is not built for us, and we are often denied accommodations that would make our lives better.

It is beyond offensive and disgusting to suggest that we would be better off not existing than “suffering so much” because of autism. Because that is what this game and everyone else who thinks there should be a cure is suggesting. There is no me without autism. it literally affects my brain structure. You are wishing for a completely different person when you tell me that autism should be cured.

Now, I’m not going to get into the horrible consent issues that arise from talks about a cure, including genetic editing, fear mongering to parents so they think abortion is the only option, and straight up Nazi style eugenics. I do not have the spoons to delve into that exhausting discussion. But if you want to know more, then there are so many incredible autistic people who have written blogs, Twitter threads, and more about why a cure is a terrible idea.

Oh, and if you’re going to come at me with the “severely autistic people should be cured” bullshit, don’t bother. There is no such thing as “severe” autism, first of all, and second, non verbal autistic people (which are who people think of when they talk about “severe” autism), largely don’t want a cure. There have been so many surveys of tens of thousands of autistic people, and the result is that the overwhelming majority do not want to be cured. We want support and proper accommodations. Listen to us.

So, in conclusion, fuck this text conversation and it’s ableist and offensive bullshit. I really wish ToT had stayed away from autism, or at the very least did not touch on therapy or a possible cure. For a game that is about genetic experimentation on children and how bad that is, it sure peddles a lot of eugenics.

Fuck, this text conversation actually made me ill and I hate that. I’m so done with constantly trying to prove to the world that I am a human being who deserves to exist. I’m gonna go cuddle my service dog now.

[codename-adler]

Dear Tumblr toxicity,

Hi. Adler here. We need to talk.

- TW: mental health issues, depression, bipolar disorder, self-harm, homophobia, transphobia, coming out, xenophobia, islamophobia, racism, implied sexual content, rape, non-con, addictions, abuse, parental negligence, depictions of violence, swearing (please message me kindly if I forget anything)

- What prompted this message: The release of Skam France S7 teaser (emphasis on teaser, will get into that below)

- Where I’m coming from: I will talk from the pov of a white, cis and queer 22-years-old woman (she/her); this is the pov that affects my experiences and the opinions I will share below; but my message comes from a place of deep hurt, and love

- What this is about: My goal is to share a recurring experience that has hurt me in order to spread a message of awareness, maturity, peace and love

- Central content: Skam France, Skam Wtfock, and Skam/remakes in general

From now on I will assume people have enough information for me to talk about the topics without explaining every plotline/character. There are plenty of wiki pages to help you out and I will gladly answer any (respectful) questions asked if a plothole bothers your comprehension of my message. I’m only making these assumptions in order to alleviate the text.

January 9th, 2021.

The francetv slash YouTube channel releases an unexpected teaser video for an equally unexpected seventh season Skam France. The video features Tiffany, a white, cis female teenager, going into labour from denial pregnancy just after winning what appears to be a gymnastics championship. Overall, the video and its release are very dramatic.

The character of Tiffany, also called Tiff, was previously seen on season 6 of Skam France as a bully who persecuted the main character, Lola, both at school and on social media. Outside of this characterization, nothing is known about her. It is majorly accepted that Tiff is not a liked character; she rather poses as one of the antagonists of Lola’s arc.

Now you know the details of what happened, in the most objectively possible way. 

Now I’ll speak for myself.

Before I went digging around for people’s reaction, here is what I initially thought of this video.

1) Shock: I thought Skam France was over, so... Big, big shock.

2) Excitement: I hold this web series very close to my heart. It has gotten me through depressive episodes, anxiety attacks, coming out to my best friend. To see this new development? It couldn’t bring me more joy.

3) Curiosity: I recognized Tiff immediately. I was intrigued as to what would happen to her to set off a new season in true Skam Fr fashion. As soon as she started gripping her stomach, I knew she was pregnant and wasn’t aware of it. Big, big surprise here again.

4) Numbness/Overthinking: As I stared at my screen, motionless, my mind went off. What did it mean? How did she not know? Who is the father? Do we know him? Will the baby survive? Where are the other characters? Will Lamifex be present? What? How? When? Why? Who?

5) Disappointment: No, I did not like Tiff one bit in S6. Yes, I sincerely wished for a season on either Jo (ambiguous and funny teenage girl, cis + white), Sekou (seemingly neurodivergent teenage boy, cis + black), and my favorite, Max (mysterious and grave teenage boy, trans + white) So why Tiff? It felt to me like a missed opportunity, but I did not lose hope.

So, these were the five stages of my emotional process. And then I made the terrible mistake to go look for the fans’ reaction. I didn’t even look at the YT comments, I didn’t go on Instagram, I went directly here on Tumblr. Why? I’m still asking myself that. From S1 to S6 of Skam Fr, I kept my love for the show to myself and only looked at ig and video edits. I tried once, and only once, to look it up on Tumblr, and was greeted by fervent agressivity, disrespect and hate. Why did I ever forget that after watching the S7 teaser? I still don’t know.

The reactions on this platform were wild. People are furious (I get that). People are disappointed (I get that). People are anxious (I get that). People are also verbally agressive, insensitive, hateful, disrespectful and bullies. I don’t get that.

Comments along the lines of “What she gonna do with a fucking baby?”, “Are we gonna watch the baby do nothing all fucking season?”, “Wowwww, teenage pregnancy, so new and relatable!” (note the sarcasm made in the comment here), “Who gives a shit about Tiff?”, etc. 

And then all the mistakes Skam Fr ever made flooded back onto the feed. The wlw misrepresentation, the whitewashing, the overdramatization, the dubious sex scenes between minors, all of it.

Let’s take a break here. Do I condone these mistakes? Nope. Am I a white-bully apologist? Nope. Did I forget every horrible action Tiff has made in the past? Nope. She manipulated a whole school against Lola, she profited from Lola’s mother’s death, she bullied her, harrassed her, pushed her deeper into mental distress. Tiff was a despicable character that I never once liked. The way she was played by the actress made it clear that Tiff was not intended to be a good guy. If I could replace her as the main of S7, I would, in a heartbeat. I’d choose, as I said, Jo, Sekou or Max.

Skam France deeply lacks diversity and made mistakes when attempting to diverse the issues represented. This is not an opinion, it’s a fact. 

Poc representation is very, very low. Only one season has a woc of Islam beliefs as mc (Imane, S4) with poc entourage/family. Only 2 other characters not related to Imane were poc (Sekou and Sarah, S1-S2). These 2 characters were very in the background and served to further the mc’s plotline, they had no real content. (I am not a poc, and so my opinion does not matter here. If you are not poc, your “opinions” don’t matter here, this point is not for you to debate. These are facts.)

While I do not particularly find the wlw representation bad, I do understand how it hurts/bothers other queer women. From my perspective, the bar was very low regarding my expectations of the Lola/Maya pair (none of them died *yay* they had a happy ending *yay* they were not typically overfeminized or overmasculinized *yay* Lola  and Maya were respectful of each other, understood each other, accepted each other with all their flaws and their beauty *yay* I truly believed in their love and it gave me confidence and hope *yay* I ould really go on but this is not my main point so I’ll stop here) Regardless of my opinion on Mayla, I understand that to some queer women, it was bothering/hurtful. (If you are anything other than a woman / wlw, this point is not for you to debate. Keep your “opinions” to yourself, it does not matter here. These are facts.)

Like every remake of the original Skam where the S4 was given to Sana/Imane, the Muslim community was not represented at its best, at its most beautiful and respectfully. The character of Imane, although she is my favorite girl of the series, was not portrayed in a way that respected the majority of the Muslim community. (If you are anything other than Muslim, this point is not for you to debate. Our opinions do not matter here. These are facts.)

And so the same goes for the portrayal of sexual assault and child pronography in S2, of mental illness and homophobia in S3, of disabilities in S5, of addiction, transphobia, self-harm and neurodivergence in S6. Again, if you are not part of these communities, your opinions do not matter on these issues. These are facts that are not up for debate.

In other words, Skam France, as well as the original Skam, Skam Wtfock, Skam España, and probably all the others I haven’t watched in their entirety, are NOT perfect shows. They (maybe) tried their best to portray issues of the younger generations that are ugly, shameful, taboo, hard-to-swallow-pills. Of course they made mistakes. Of course they have to be held accountable. Of course they can and should do better. Of course it must be spoken about.

Here is my problem.

The so-called “fans” shamelessly SHITTING on the WHOLE show because of ONE TEASER TRAILER. (btw, this is where I get angry)

I am not talking about the fans making fun of the show and this season’s premise like “Better MCs than Tiff for S7: a romance between the car that almost hit Lucas S3 and the car that hit Arthur S5, or the school’s nurse, or Imane’s dad, or Elu’s rabbit” (that shit’s funny and I’d watch all of these).Or the joke about Wtfock and Skam Fr shaking hands while signing the same contract to disappoint the fans with white MCs (it’s funny cuz it’s trueeeee).

I am not talking about the fans criticizing the producers’ choice of Tiff as MC. There is a difference between shitting on issues and adressing/discussing them. I WANT to talk about how this season’s issue would have been so much better if a woc, specifically a black woman, had been the MC, because black women and doctors are a whole different level of issue than white women and doctors. Add on top of that an unplanned teenage pregnancy? It would have been IMMACULATE. I WANT to talk which wlw couple was better represented, Mayla or Croana/Crisana, and why is that. I WANT to talk about disabilities in black and poc communities. I WANT to talk about headcanons, AUs, to rectify the missed marks. I WANT to talk about our takes on seasons about Max, Sekou and Jo, instead of Tiff’s.

I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SHITTY, NEGATIVE, UNHELPFUL, HURTFUL COMMENTS.

Just because the protagonist is white, doesn’t give you ANY right to dismiss the issue that is unplanned teenage pregnancy. This is a problem that affects countries WORLDWIDE. Do you know how many deaths are related to minors giving birth? Do you know how many babies die at birth from these pregnancies? Do you have any idea the trauma it puts you through, to go into labor without even knowing you were pregnant in the first place, and then giving birth, and then having to care for a defensless human being? The dilemma of keeping it, or giving it away? The fear that lives in every person able to give birth, that one day they’ll become pregnant, because society turns sych a shameful look to that? No matter your ethnicity, your gender identity, your sexuality, your political stance or whatever shit you bring up to justify your disgraceful and downright degrading comments, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT A MINOR GIVING BIRTH IS NOT AN ISSUE. 

You think the topic has been covered plenty before? Yeah, because shows like “16 and pregnant” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” are such good examples and show the reality with such an objective point of view! 

Bullshit. Teenage pregnancy is still a taboo, it still kills, and people are still morons about it. 

“Well I guess everybody is secretly pregnant now!” No, Jessica, but you wouldn’t know about it, would you? Because I wouldn’t tell you shit if you were my “friend” and I was going through it. The whole message of all the Skams is not that it presents super relatable issues of teenagers, although it is a big topic of the show. They present some issues that affect the youth in an authentic light, but that’s not it.

Tous les gens que tu rencontres mènent un combat dont tu ignores tout. 

Sois indulgente. Toujours. x x x

//

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Be kind. Always. x x x

THAT’S THE MESSAGE. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SHOW.

And you all missed it.

All of you making dead baby jokes and death threats, degrading people who give birth, shaming teenagers for their pregnancies... Listen to yourselves.

“Well she deserves it, she was such a bitch!” No, Michael, you shit stick. Let’s rewind a bit for you, yeah? It was a GOD DAMN TEASER. We literally know nothing! Nothing at all! Why are y’all getting mad when we saw 3:25 minutes representing a whole ass season! Listen to yourselves. Y’all judge so fast for people pretending to love Skam and its authenticity and its motto.

You say Tiff is irredeemable?

Emma cheated on her boyfriend.

Manon lied and manipulated her friends.

Lucas was homophobic and prejudiced agaisnt mentally ill people.

Imane was homophobic too and went behind her friends’ back to get what she wanted.

Arthur cheated on his girlfriend too.

Lola dragged Elliot down with her in her addiction, lied, was verbally abusive, etc.

ALL THE MAINS ARE PROBLEMATIC.

Any guess why?

BECAUSE THEY ARE TEENAGERS. THEY ARE STILL GROWING AND LEARNING.

Yet we still loved them all. 

So don’t you dare tell me that Tiff deserves this, that her baby deserves to die, that teenage motherhood is irrelevant. Motherhood is not a curse in the first place, nor is it something to wish to inflict upon anyone. Motherhood is different for every single person and nobody except the person living with it can have an opinion on that. We don’t even know if the baby survived, for God’s sake!

There is no excuse for this kind of behavior..

It makes me so angry. Women are discriminated against in a fandom I thought was safe, again and again and again. 

I have to stop here because, well, this is just too much. There is much wrong with Skam (the original AND all the remakes), but there is even more wrong with the fans. I’m done.

You don’t support the show anymore? Fine, then don’t watch it! If I really am wrong, the number of viewers will go down and the show will die, just like you wished. There is no need to be vicious about it. 

I hope y’all are proud of your misogyny. 

Sincerely,

Adler.

[disabled-dragoon]

Disabled Characters That Shaped My Childhood

Is this similar to a post on my other page? Perhaps. But I don’t care. 

As it is disability pride month and this was essentially the entire reason for me making a second blog, I have decided to revise my list of disabled characters in the media that helped me accept my disability growing up! Probably won’t be all that good but eh, what the hell. 

Unfortunately I can only think of three characters from my childhood that I remember being featured prominently on TV growing up, but it is increasing! Slowly, but it is! So with that said......

Gabriella- The Little Mermaid, 1992-1994, Deaf

Possibly the first actually disabled character I can remember seeing on TV, I think Gabriella was the character that kicked off my interest in learning more about disability culture in the first place and I’m mad more people don’t remember her. 

She was my first real exposure to seeing disability outside of my home and the hospital, and yes, she might be deaf and I’m not, but she fascinated me and arguably catalysed my ongoing attempts to learn sign language. Her character was fun and loveable and I’m glad they took the time to kind of explain her deafness to the audience, then promoted the idea that actually she didn’t need to change herself to be wonderful. She was accepted almost immediately and was most likely the first introduction to sign language as a whole to a lot of children in the early 90s. The fact she kept coming back as a regular character was also amazing to see! 

Toph Beifong- Avatar: The Last Airbender, 2005-2008, Blind

Obviously needs no introduction....With the events of the last year, everyone had a chance to be reintroduced to the series that is Avatar and, by extension, the fantastic Toph Beifong! 

The whole series is one that focuses on overcoming oppression and marginalisation and, whilst it certainly is not perfect, the fact it had a disabled main character for the majority of its run and spin off is probably part of the reason this show holds a special place in my heart, even today. And the representation is not just limited to Toph either!

Remember the wheelchair bound “airbender” that the GAang comes across? Teo I think his name is. Or the armless villainess Ming-Hua in Korra? I do. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there are others that I’m missing but my point is, ATLA does a very good job to not use disability as a reason to make weak characters and I appreciate it so much. 

Toph was is the reason, I think, that I can laugh at myself today (in a good way, of course) and will always be my favourite character of the series for that very reason. 

Hiccup Haddock- How To Train Your Dragon, 2003, Amputee

Ah, How To Train Your Dragon. The guilty pleasure of my childhood. 

It was only a couple of years ago I realised the main character is, technically disabled, having one leg and all, and I never noticed despite watching it religiously when I was small(er). Maybe because they didn’t draw much attention to it after it happened, or maybe because I just did not have the attention span for movies...

But I appreciate it nonetheless, considering the whole movie series finished in 2019 I believe, so it’s still pretty relevant to the younger generations. And the fun colours and enjoyable theme of dragons that people are drawn to means that is a film people can be easily drawn to, and still gets attention. 

                       ~~~Honourable Mentions!~~~

1. Julia- Sesame Street, Autism

A little after my time but a treat to see nonetheless! Julia got a lot of attention when it was announced she would be joining Sesame Street, as the first regular character on the series to be diagnosed with autism. With so much more focus on autism and disability awareness in recent years, it’s refreshing to see children’s media starting to branch out more into exploring the concept of disability in youth and childhood!

2. Iron Man- The Avengers, Technically a heart defect

Okay, it didn’t last. I’m aware. And Iron Man and Marvel are...problematic at times, but arguably the comics and RDJs portrayal of Iron Man was a lot of people’s first introduction to the idea of sudden disability in later life, even if he had the money, resources, time and plot armour to overcome it. 

3. Hawkeye- The Avengers, Deaf

In the comics he’s deaf. Maybe not in the film series, but still. Pretty impressive. Not only is he sans superpowers, he has a disability, which in the world of Marvel you would expect him to be portrayed as weaker and incapable but he isn’t! 

4. Entrapta- She-Ra and The Princesses of Power, Autism

Okay. Yes. Still a bit out of my childhood, technically. But who didn’t watch She-Ra during the lockdown? I’m pretty sure it was confirmed(?) that Entrapta was written as being on the autism spectrum but correct me if I’m wrong. 

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~

And END.

Sorry for a long first post, I just thought, in the spirit of the month, it might be nice to reflect a little on characters that potentially helped us in our childhoods, and characters that may continue helping children today. 

If I forgot any, or one needs to be added to the list, please tell me and why! 

Thank you!

And happy disability pride month!

[semper-legens]

133. The Other, by K A Applegate

Owned: Yes   Page count: 130 My summary: Marco goes into battle stations when he sees blurry footage of an Andalite on TV - but that Andalite isn’t Ax. There are two more Andalites on Earth, keeping to themselves, trying to stay alive. But questions remain. Why didn’t they join the fight? Why are they behaving so strangely? And why have the Animorphs only seen one of them? My rating: 2/5     My commentary:

This book is...hmm. While I didn’t actually think it was bad as a whole, it does some things that I am very much not on board for. Perhaps it would have gained a few extra points from me if these events had happened at a different time in the series - as-is, though, I came out of this one with more questions and problems than I did things I enjoyed about it. Warning for a discussion of ableism under the cut.

First of all, this book deals with the idea that there are Andalites on Earth, which was also the theme of the last book but one. I think this pacing really doesn’t help, and that they probably should have been switched. This book would have come across a whole lot better if the idea of Andalites on Earth came as a complete surprise to everyone, rather than them having encountered Andalites like, last week. Whereas in The Arrival, the impact of Andalites coming to Earth would not have been lessened if it came second of these two, because the pair in this book have been here for a while, but in The Arrival those four came to Earth recently. The idea of ‘the Andalite warriors are finally here!’ would have been preserved.

Galfinilan and Mertil are the two Andalites in this book, and first of all, they’re lovers, I have decided. They’re described as being shorms, which is an Andalite term for a close trusted partner; Ax and Tobias’ relationship falls under that. But for these two? I think they’re gay, and I’m not backing down from it. Anyway, Galfinilan is the one we see the most of, as it turns out Mertil is being held hostage by the Yeerks. He’s different to some of the other Andalites we’ve seen, and I really ended up liking his character. He’s less haughty than the typical Andalite, and seems to be working through a lot of issues while adjusting to living as a human and dealing with the Yeerks. He’s a morally grey character too, which is interesting - not outright a terrible person, not wholly good.

But here’s the issue with the whole thing, in my mind. Mertil is a vecol, an Andalite term equivalent to ‘disabled’ - in particular, he’s missing most of his tail after a ship crash. Ax is incredibly dismissive of and rude to him - he doesn’t feel like Mertil is worthy of saving or even of life. Mertil also can’t morph, so Ax doesn’t see the point in his existence. Sure, the Animorphs push back against this viewpoint and do eventually end up saving Mertil, but I wonder about how Ax’s comments might impact a disabled reader. He’s harsh, literally thinking that Mertil is worth nothing at all because of his disability. For a disabled reader who liked Ax, that’s gotta sting. Furthermore, it seems like a weird choice to have the Andalites be prejudiced in this way, as though ableism isn’t a thing among humans at all. The Animorphs seemed a little on their high horse, (rightfully!) criticising Ax for his terrible views, acting like humans have never had a problem with ableism, when that just isn’t true. I don’t understand why this had to be a major thread in this book, honestly. You could easily have done this story without having a sympathetic character act as though disabled people don’t have the right to exist.

Next up, taking another break from Animorphs, and into the world of Victorian London, for some Terry Pratchett.

[real-american]

Supernatural: A dedication to its memory and how the show changed my life

Fifteen Years. 15 years and over 300 episodes of the greatest show on TV. 15 years of joy, heartache, tears, fun and inspiration; and for me, 15 years, two marriages one divorce, two tattoos and a show that brought me the love of my life. Supernatural has impacted us all on so many levels. I could easily write a 15 page academic paper on the seasons, the meanings behind each season and all the little things that made the show so great. Things such as the music, the brothers Winchester, the family dynamic, and the beautiful 1967 Chevy Impala (my dream car should I win the lottery. Black four door version of course). I could go on about each major and minor character, how they impacted the show and what each of them meant to me and the fans but this is not what this is about. This post is about how Supernatural changed my life and how it impacted me.

First a few housekeeping things to address regarding the final season and the series finale. I thought the pre finale show was excellent but definitely could have been longer and included more. However I do understand they only had 42 minutes or so to cram 15 years of memories and characters in so I understand they had to only hit the highlights. They should do a longer version for the Blue Ray 15 season collectors set which I'm sure they will make and that I am definitely getting. Regarding the final season, I thought it was excellent. My wife, who is also a big fan of the show (more on her later) didn't think it was as good as other seasons but enjoyed it none the less. The ending was good sort of expected with the two boys ending up in heaven together, but I was surprised they killed Dean in the sort of nonchalant way they did. Sort of anti climactic for the greatest hunter in the world. The final speech to Sam was heartbreaking and heartfelt and I loved it! I also loved the symmetry of how Sam's son Dean also gave him permission to leave this world as Sam gave (original) Dean all those years later. I'm glad they didn't show who Sam's wife was and she was just left as a mysterious place holder. Originally I thought maybe they should have had him with Eileen but in retrospect the way they did it was better and honestly I'm not sure if she (or the other AU folk) were even brought back with the rest of the world. Maybe someone can clear this point up for me. I was really surprised they didn't do the "carry on my wayward son" beginning but I soon figured out before it even happened they were going to do it in the end of the episode which turned out to be much better. All in all I give the last season an A- and the finale and how it ended an A+ Again there is a lot to say about the final season, the final episode, and all the seasons but I will leave that analysis to other people. This is about what the show meant to me specifically about how it helped me through my darkest days and ushered in my brightest of days which I am living now. This is that story.

I wasn't with Supernatural from the very beginning. The show premiered in 2005 and I honestly hadn't heard anything about it or did I know anything about it for a few years. I came off active duty from the Marine Corps in June of 2005 and after fighting my beloved country's wars for a few years I was out of the loop on many things. I first came across Supernatural on TNT catching a re run here and there but with no real interest and only getting bits and pieces of the story. In 2010 I met my first wife and was a casual fan at this point seeing enough re runs on TNT to get a general idea of the storyline for the first few seasons but again only as a casual fan. At this point of my life I was also falling down a dark hole. My alcoholism which is a result of my PTSD from my combat service started to get really bad. I was drinking more than most people could handle but as my father was, highly functional. This led to me staying with and eventually marrying my first wife which was a bad idea. She cheated on me constantly and probably didn't even really love me. We were also polar political opposites (you can figure out my political viewpoints from the rest of my blog) and not compatible really in the least. Why I ever stayed with her and married her is beyond me at this point in my life. So there I was drinking my life away in a bad relationship and trying to figure out how to manage my life. Then Supernatural came on Netflix and I decided to give it a real shot. This decision changed my life.

I quickly caught up on the first six seasons and started watching the show live starting with season 7. I was hooked. I loved everything about it. Dean and Sam, Cass the car, the brotherly love, the monsters, the angels, everything but I still didn't know how this show would impact me in the end. I continued to drink myself to death getting unhealthier fatter and no longer resembling the fit Marine I once was. I was in a constant haze drinking an entire bottle of whiskey every night to drink away the pain of my bad marriage and the pain of not being loved and cheated on by my wife. Supernatural was the one bright spot in my life.

In 2014 I finally divorced my wife but this was only the first step. I continued to drink and destroy my life causing me to get fired from my job. Fortunately I was hired on back into government work making much better money and with having no wife and no kids was finally able to live a little better financially but I was lonely and alone except for the alcohol. I continued to find refuge in the bottle but also in Supernatural. I watched every episode as it came on, re watched all the old episodes, blogged and facebooked about it to the point that I am sure I was annoying the one or two friends that I had. The rest of my life was a blur. Get up, stumble into work drunk or hungover, go home sick and jonesing for my next drink, bottle of whiskey till one in the morning, a few hours of sleep and starting the whole cycle back over. I was fat, ugly on the outside, ugly on the inside, and a bad human being. My drinking got so bad I destroyed my liver and was medically discharged from my job but was given retirement for all my years of service to the federal government. So now I was 33 retired with a pension and VA disability and really nothing to do but sit at home drink whiskey and watch TV. I had no love in my life, one or two close friends who didn't like being around me anymore because of my drinking, and my family was worried but couldn't get through to me. Even after my father died of alcohol abuse in 2015 I still continued down my destructive path. Finally in February of 2017 I was hospitalized and was told I would be dead in less than a year. I truly believe I was touched by God at this point because I went home dumped out three bottles of alcohol and never touched the stuff again to this day.

Now I had to learn to relive my life all over without alcohol. I started to exercise and lose weight (90 pounds in 5 months) I went back to church, and I started to try and find love again and of course needing distraction and something to occupy my mind I dove deep into Supernatural. I re watched and re watched again all the old episodes, I poured myself into analysis of the plot lines and characters, I got tattoos on my arms (the demon trap and the anti possession symbol), I obsessed with everything Supernatural. It helped me stay sober. When I wanted a drink I would watch an episode, when I was feeling lonely I would go hang out with Sam and Dean. When I wanted to give up I took refuge in the Impala. I became a super fan. So far Supernatural got me through my divorce, was my bright spot in my alcoholic haze, and helped me stay sober when I first gave up my demons. I cheered harder during the happy moments of the show and cried harder in the sad ones. I was an emotional wreck and my feelings only seemed to come out while watching the show. Although I had quit drinking, got rid of my toxic ex wife and started to improve my life, I was still not happy. I was alone and lonely but Supernatural came to my rescue once again.

Throughout 2017 and the first part of 2018 I managed to be in two relationships. I poured myself into them grasping at them as if they were my reward for turning my life around and ignoring all the signs that they were not good relationships. I was still learning to relive my life as a sober person. I never integrated back into society after I left the Corps in 2005 and finally I was doing so but it was a hard journey. Inevitably those relationships failed and I was utterly heartbroken each time, but Supernatural was always there through the good times and the bad. When my heart was broken I would go find refuge in my favorite show forgetting about my problems and trying to help Sam and Dean solve theirs. Finally in May of 2018 I decided to try and find love again. This time it would be different and this time it was Supernatural that helped me get there.

As part of my recovery and daily routine I started to eat at my local diner everyday. Everyday from about July 2017 to the present time in this story I would go in, order 2 eggs over easy, hash browns, sausage, and toast. Everyday I would sit in the same spot at the counter (counter 6 was the name of the spot) order the same thing and even had my own special coffee mug. I knew everyone who worked there by name and they all knew me by name. They knew my order and had it ready for me when I came in. It felt like a magical place, a place that would forever change my life. There was one waitress/cook that I didn't see very often. She mostly worked the night shift but occasionally I would see her if I was there later in the day than usual or if she occasionally worked a morning shift. I was drawn to this woman. About the middle of May in 2018 I decided to maybe try and work up the courage to ask her out. I would always look for her when I went in hoping she was working that day hoping she wasn't too busy so that I could exchange a few words with her and hoping she would even notice me. Then one day in July I went in and she was there. I said hello and ate my breakfast but we didn't talk much. When I was paying for my meal the other gal working there asked  what my plans were for the day and I said oh nothing much just gonna go home and watch Supernatural. Then she turned around. The woman I had been trying to talk to, the one I wanted to ask out, Michelle was her name. She said, "I love that show I'm watching season 13 on DVD right now". I perked up a smile came across my face. Nervously I said, "oh cool yeah its my favorite show" Michelle nodded and turned back to work, I went to my car got in and smiled. I knew how I was gonna break the ice now next time. A few days later on my daily visit to the diner I went in a little later than usual. It was about 3 in the afternoon. It was dark and gloomy, raining, and cold. It felt like a Supernatural episode. It felt like a 67 Impala should have been in the parking lot and two good looking hunters should be in the corner on a laptop researching their current case. It felt like a magical moment. Turns out I was the only customer in the whole place. It was just me the waitress and Michelle who was cooking that day. They took my order without asking as the usually did and I could already see Michelle had already started cooking it. She finished and brought it to me herself. We exchanged a look and a feeling of confidence I have never had in my life overcame me and I said to her, "So are you enjoying season 13?" That is how it all began we started talking about the show. How we started watching it who our favorite characters were, how much we loved this season or that one. The conversation was seamless. We got into other get to know you topics around our conversation about Supernatural and it was like we were old friends talking about a show we loved. Eventually I got up and went to pay the waitress and she turned to go back to the kitchen in the back. Feeling an opportunity slip away I said "hey Michelle, maybe we should go get some dinner some time and watch some Supernatural together". I held my breath. She would surely smile and politely say no. She probably gets asked out all the time by the customers, beautiful woman that she is. Then she smiled and said "sure that would be great" I must have smiled so big and my heart skipped 10 beats! I got her number which she wrote on a order ticket and the rest they say is history. Ten months later I wrote ,"will you marry me" on the back of that order ticket and gave it to her at counter 6 at the diner where we met, where we first started talking about Supernatural, where my life finally changed for the better forever, and she said yes! We were married two months later on our one year anniversary and we just watched the final episode together yesterday. We both had tears, we both smiled when Sam and Dean, soulmates, were finally together at the end because we both know how it feels to be with each others soulmate. We held each others hand and said goodbye together.

Supernatural has forever changed me. It has been with me through every major event in my life over the last 15 years. Through the dark times, through the hard times, and finally through the current happy times. I guess it is ok that Supernatural is over now. I no longer need it. I have my wife, my Michelle, my soulmate. I am finally happy. I have Sam and Dean's permission to move on and they have mine. Good bye Winchesters. Good bye and thank you. You have taught me to carry on and find my peace when I'm done, and to cry no more. This is but one man's story, one of so many. How many lives has this show changed? How many people have found comfort in the adventures of Sam and Dean? I'm not sure the answer. Too many to count I would wager. 15 years and 300 episodes of the greatest show ever on TV. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

[indecisive-behaviors]

Okay so I just reblogged a thing talking about season 2 and 3 of Cobra Kai and I have some Thoughts about what they did to everyone’s character arcs in this so if you’d like a rant it’s under the cut with spoilers from all 3 seasons plus spoilers for all 3 Karate Kid movies

Okay so my issues start with one very key scene that I personally think fucked up the whole rest of the narrative, and by extension everyone else’s character arcs: which is from Different but Same. And no not that scene- not yet at least.

The first scene that I think fucked over the narrative and killed several character arcs was the beach scene. Miguel, reasonably distraught over the idea that Sam is hiding him from her dad(which she is actually doing to be fair), gets completely drunk and when Sam and Robby arrive together he loses it, pushes Sam and subsequently gets dumped. Now why do I think this ruined everything? It completely goes against Miguel’s character up to this point. Miguel is absolutely trying to mimic Johnny in a lot of key ways but also up to this point Miguel has also been Johnny’s conscience; he’s smart and kind and had not at all shown to be anything even close to what Johnny was in KK1. He’s stood up for his friends, defended the girl he likes from bullies, he’s a huge mama’s boy and a bit of a hopeless romantic. In no episode up until that point does he ever display any tendency towards unnecessary violence, despite Johnny’s “strike first” motto. Miguel getting wasted and violent does not add up in my mind. Miguel is supposed to be a narrative parallel to Daniel for fuck sake. Also, and this is my main complaint, there is no fucking reason for Miguel to immediately jump to the conclusion that Sam is seeing Robby- literally none. They look very much alike, hell Robby looks a little like Amanda honestly, he could very well be her cousin for all Miguel knows. Robby and Sam don’t even act like a couple in the shot- they’re literally just sitting next to each other at family dinner. None of this subplot makes any fucking sense.

And then, obviously, there’s the very next scene- Johnny goes with Daniel back to his place, tipsy and happy and seemingly in a very good place with each other. Then Robby shows up, Johnny loses his shit and Daniel proceeds to get pissed and kick Robby out. Now there is one thing I point out about this scene whenever I talk about it that doesn’t add up: no where in this scene is it ever even implied that either Johnny or Daniel know about Robby’s original intentions. (Also nothing up till that point ever even establishes why Robby knows about Daniel and Johnny’s rivalry in the first fucking place for the record). There is no reason for Johnny to suspect that Daniel knew and was hiding it, or even that Robby was doing it on purpose, and there is no reason for Daniel to get mad or even suspect that Robby knew what he was doing or was lying about it; and the fact of the matter is that Robby never actually lied(also Daniel never fucking asked) about his home situation. His mom was neglectful and an addict, and his father wasn’t in the picture. That’s it, and none of that was a lie. Now I’m not sitting here and denying that what Robby did was wrong because it absolutely was-- it was manipulative and unfair to Daniel and he had a right to be angry when he found out it was the case but there is nothing to suggest that he didn’t just jump to conclusions. And also, personally, I don’t think any of that justifies kicking a teenager to the curb, and one that Daniel explicitly knows has no one and nothing to fall back on. Be angry, be furious with Robby, but leaving a teenager to fend for themselves is cruel and completely unjustifiable behavior from a grown ass adult(also there’s a whole can of worms involved in Daniel never trying to figure out where the fuck Robby’s parents are and letting him live there without an explanation but that’s for a different rant).

Now assume none of that weird subplot happens, there is another way to have the Robby and Miguel rivalry that would have made so much more fucking sense and it only hinges on one fucking thing- Robby enters the tournament. It could be with or without Daniel’s approval(maybe even with a KK3 parallel, but Daniel honestly seems pretty into the tournament these days so he’d probably be down for Robby joining and reping Miyagi-do), but all we need is for him to do it.  Robby gets there, and Johnny sees him, potentially rocking a Miyagi-do gi and can have his surprised/hurt moment with him and Daniel, even potentially a confrontation between them. We can also still have Miguel beating Robby in the tournament and having Johnny be conflicted about his son losing. Hawk can even still hurt him and give Johnny his “holy shit this is wrong” epiphany and Miguel not understanding why Johnny wants him to go easy on Robby. Robby can still be hurt and upset by thinking Johnny cares more about Miguel after he loses.

Okay now as for season 2? Assuming everything stays the same in season 1, I have one MAJOR complaint. Robby becoming Sam’s love interest; and no it’s not because I think Miguel and Sam should be an endgame couple when the show is over(I do but that’s beside the point) but because it turns Sam into a plot device. This carries over into season 3 where she starts dating Miguel again and apparently just never breaks it off with Robby which is such a dick move I can not for the life of me imagine Sam of all fucking people doing it. She isn’t perfect by any means but she’s also outspoken and and much more confident by that point and should not have had a problem breaking up with someone in an email. But I digress, back to season 2- the moment I saw that Sam and Robby were going to be a couple I immediately knew the writers fucked up. There was no build up for it, nothing in season 1 to foreshadow this as a possibility(Different but Same doesn’t count because that was a whiplash of an episode) and they just decided offhandedly to put her in the middle of Robby’s and Miguel’s rivalry. There was no reason to make them a couple other than to fuck with Miguel and set up the Tory & Sam rivalry which could have happened fucking anyway with the shit at the country club, the rift between Sam and Aisha, and Miguel’s ongoing feelings for Sam even after he’s dating Tory(also a dick move what the fuck Miguel??). Adding Robby as fuel to the fire was super unnecessary and all it did was set up the clusterfuck that was the season 2 finale.

And OH BOY was that finale a clusterfuck. First of all, as a prelude- Fuck. Daniel. He pulled the exact same shit as in season 1 with dumping Robby the second he does anything even a little bit wrong. But also, as a gut punch, Robby didn’t actually do anything wrong. What was he supposed to do at the party? He couldn’t stop Sam from drinking even though he wanted to, it was her (very poor) choice. But he did what he could, he kept an eye on her, and when the cops showed up, he didn’t just leave her, he put her in the car and drove her somewhere he thought she’d be safe without having to immediately face her father(who super fucking overreacted btw) while she was recovering. This scene, which could have been an excellent bonding moment for Johnny and Robby, and an introduction to Sam getting to know Johnny outside of her father’s influence, was turned into a brawl for no fucking reason. 

Which leads me to the school fight. And right off the bat I’ve got to say this; even as, and maybe especially as, a person who has written post season 3 fix it fics, there is no way for Robby and Miguel to convincingly fix what happened in the season 2 finale. Yes, what Robby did was absolutely an accident and he has already done his time for it. But the elephant in the room is this: Miguel could have died. Or at the very least, been totally paralyzed. There is not a good way to come back from that. They will always have that hanging over their heads, even if they somehow reach an understanding. And I know someone is going to try and make the argument about that being a parallel to Johnny and Daniel in KK1, but if it is that it’s a terrible parallel. What Johnny did was supremely fucked up and I won’t deny that, especially with the Halloween scene and Daniel’s knee in the tournament(which actually was technically more Bobby’s doing, but I digress), but it was never “almost permanently disable/kill someone” bad. (Again there’s a whole can of worms to open about the shit with Chozen and Daniel’s seemingly pretty easy forgiveness of a man who tried to kill him because what the fuck?? But again that’s another rant.) But the writers wanted to push the envelope so now Johnny will always have the tug of war of choosing Robby, who he loves but who also really fucked up, and Miguel, who was the original reason for the rivalry in the first place but who was also the one who, again, almost died because of his son, even if he somehow fixes his relationship with both. It will always be “why did you pick him over me?” and Johnny will never have a good enough answer for either of them. And finally the big complaint- Johnny completely regressing in season 3. Season 3 honestly felt like a rehashing of season 1 because we literally had to see him progress in his arc all over again from square fucking one. He still isn’t there for Robby, he’s still fucking up things with Miguel and his family, he’s still fucking up his relationship with Daniel, he still chooses to miss his appointment with Robby to see Miguel(who would have been there after the appointment and he could have seen him then), he abandons half of his fucking students to fend for themselves and leaves the other half with a man he knows is a dangerous psychopath. And yes we get the cool scene at the end of December 19, but is it worth it?? I’m genuinely asking because, as much as I love that scene, I really don’t believe it is.(edit: Also fuck that whole subplot with Eli and Demetri- you don’t get to just break the arm of the boy who was your best friend and just have that go away with no repercussions. Fuck. That. I hope Demetri gets at minimum an actual on screen apology, and hopefully Eli actually trying to make amends.)

We could have still had the big team up- have Johnny admit to Daniel that he’s fucked up and tell him everything that’s happening with Kreese. Have them join forces to defeat Kreese in the tournament. Have the dumb fucking bet. Introduce Terry Silver in season 4. Have Johnny’s and Daniel’s tenuous truce strained at every turn because they’re idiots. Do all of it. But y’know what? We could have had all of that- all of it- without it being at the expense of at least 2 character arcs; Johnny’s and also Robby’s.

Also before I end this I just have to add- nothing and I mean nothing will ever redeem Kreese or Silver for me. I do not give a singular shit about either of their tragic backstories, I just don’t. I get why and how Chozen got his redemption- he was a teenager when that shit happened, and while the shit he pulled is personally unforgivable in my opinion, he has actively been trying to redeem himself by spending the last however many decades making it up to his community. I’d even understand a Barnes redemption to an extent, even though I wouldn’t accept it, because he was also very young and being manipulated by, again, a dangerous psychopath. But Kreese and Silver? Abso-fucking-lutely not. They were two grown ass adults who purposefully targeted an 18 year old and put him through emotional and physical for weeks, paid someone to intimidate him through both threats of physical violence but also through vandalism, and gaslighted him and isolated him from the only family he had at the time because he beat them in a children’s karate competition. Look, I’m not sorry, I don’t give a fuck about Kreese’s tragic backstory, nothing about what Kreese has done can be rationalized by just saying “oh his mom and girlfriend died and he was in ‘Nam”. And any good thing he does for Tory, or even Robby, does not balance out all the harm he has caused. Silver is even less redeemable- I don’t care that he almost died in war, I’m an army brat I know plenty of people who almost died and don’t act like this. In canon we have evidence of him being completely, unrepentantly evil- the first scene with him in it has him basically confirmed as the BP of nuclear waste, he pays people so he can beat them up, he’s been personally funding Kreese’s child indoctrination classes. They could pull out the saddest backstory for him possible and I would not give a shit. And that’s fine. We don’t need every bad guy to have a tragic backstory- sometimes an evil villain can just be an evil villain for no reason, not all of them need a traumatic turning point that the authors shove in to make the audience sympathize with them. So please, writers, stop trying to make me feel sorry for them because I really don’t and I don’t understand anyone who does.

Okay rant over.

[cicici03]

Conform or Change- Chapter 1

cwrSo hey everyone! I know finally a girl is posting! I have been writing so many chapters so I can just post and go due to college!

With that, I will like to introduce you to a new story called “ Conform or Change”. This is an introduction to the family and the dynamics before we really get into the story.

This story will be post every SUNDAY!!!

Character List/ Face Claim:

Majorie/ Shy Munteanu

Florian Munteanu

Alexundru Munteanu

Marilyn Washington

Elena Munteanu

Earl Washington

Anna-Marie

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Have you ever heard of the Swinging Sixties? From it swinging around with the ideas that cause major shifts in the 60’s. From the Civil Rights Movement, to the Vietnam War, and to the Feminist Movement. These things change the U.S even though in the future these are still things that need to be fix. However, we going to investigate a story about a black woman, which learn the ways of being a housewife and is stuck in whether to swing or stay.

June 5,1965

Newark, New Jersey

Adeste fideles læti triumphantes,

Venite, venite in Bethlehem.

Natum videte

Regem angelorum:

Venite adoremus 

Dominum.

As the congregation of the Catholic church sung with the choir. There was one pew that was in the middle that everybody knew.

Standing up while singing along, was Florian Munteanu. The man that had power in New York and New Jersey without even holding onto a political seat. As his father was the head of Munteanu’s, a famous mafia in the 20’s to now, people knew not to mess with them.

Florian’s father, Alexandru Munteanu, moved to the U.S for a better life with his wife, Ioana. With that, Alexandru was not only struggling to try and make a good life in the U.S, but he had to do something to get his wife out the slums. 

So, one day, he went to a speakeasy, to get a drink, and with that he realized that he could do it too.

Alexandru started the mafia, Munteanu, to help not only himself, but the people that was in the slums with him. From Italians, to African Americans, the Irish, and many more. He realizes that it will be better to have minorities together than apart.

As the years go on, Alexandru’s mafia started to grow larger and larger. Before you knew it, he oversaw the town. Calling the shots from the Mayors, to Police chiefs, and to Wall Street. As the Great Depression hit, Alexandru help the people that help him.

With that, he moved with many of his mafia to Newark, New Jersey. As he did that, he helps the mayor and aid the homeless from the fallout of the Great Depression.  Then Alexandru got the biggest surprise of his life.

His wife gave birth to that surprise on December 4, 1937,  Florian Munteanu. Alexundru was the happiest he could be and was glad to have his first child.

As life went on, things got better for the Munteanu family. They finally got out of the apartment in Newark and move to a house. Florian was especially excited due to the new scenery and new space. However, things change after Pearl Harbor.

When the Japan bombed the Pearl Harbor, many of Alexundru’s mafia members went out to fight the war: Alexundru did the same. He was gone for year and half, until he got shot in the trenches and was paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though, Alexundru was still the same person. Always happy go lucky and giving to people.

He changed.

 He did not see himself as a man no more due to his disability and it hurt his pride. However, he never let that stop from shining lights on others.

Nobody in the Munteanu Mafia or any other mafia wanted to take over due to Alexandru kind attitude and did not want to create enemies due to them wanting to have control.

As the years went on, Florian grew up and the Munteanu family was living on top of life. With Florian entering his senior year of high school. To the Ioana and Alexundru love growing even more. Everything was perfect.

 Until Ioana died unexpectedly.

Both, Florian and Alexundru, took it hard. However, Alexundru took it the hardest. After the only person that he loved died.

Alexundru died too.

Alexundru just stop talking after Iona death.

He has been muted for 10 years. He makes little gestures and noises whenever he needs something, but most of the time he is mute.

With that, Florian did not know what to do. As things was already worst, Alexundru brother, his closest ally and his only sibling, died and it left him taking care of his niece: Elena.

With life taking a toll on the Munteanu family, it was also taking a toll on the mafia. With that, Munteanu Mafia was in chaos.

As Florian saw his mom died weeks earlier to now his uncle dying: he did not know what to do. Florian knew he had to take care of his dad and of his legacy. Florian made sure of that by dropping out of high school and becoming the leader of the Munteanu Mafia.

As the song ended, Florian shut the hymn book and look to his dad. Alexundru just was looking out to space. Florian went and got the hymn book out of his dad’s lap to close it up for him. As the priest started to pray, a little voice shouted.

“ Mommy, I got to use the restroom!” Andrada yelped in the quiet church. Much of the congregation turn their head to the pew that yelped that out.

Florian look at Andrada, one of his four kids, and saw that he was starting to pull down his pants.

Shy got him before they drop down to the floor.

“Shy!” Florian quietly said with much sternness behind it. Shy, or Majorie, looked at her husband. She saw the embarrassment as he looked around to see if anybody was noticing. As Shy turn around to take Andrada to the restroom, Elena spoked up.

“ I will take him.” Elena said with kindness seeing the tense exchange between the couple. Shy tried to tell Elena it was okay, but Elena gave her look. Andrada walked over to Elena at the other end of the pew. With that, Elena and him went to the restroom.

As the priest started the sermon, Florian threw his hand behind the pew to sit closer to Shy to talked to her.

“ Now Shy, you need to teach our kids some manners. We are the family that this town looked up too and our kids are shouting out! What you think going to happen to the mafia if they see that our own kids do not have no manners! Shy…” Florian said with much anger and passion. However, Shy started to space out like she always did when mainly Florian was the only one arguing.

Majorie “Shy” Washington was born to Earl and Anna Washington in North Carliona on September 12, 1939. As she turned three, her sister Marilyn was born. Even though it was a joyous occasion, Anna died during childbirth with Marilyn.

With that, it just left Earl, Majorie, and Marilyn. As life went on, Majorie and Marilyn was Earl babies. No matter what mischief they done at the house, he always let them go off with a warning. Until one day, they went to prank one of the white women in town. As kids they really didn’t understand the concept of racism, but they knew some of the things. When they did prank this woman, she didn’t see it as kids pranking her, but as negros trying to “kill” her.

This led to a mob of white men coming to the area where all the black folks live at. They set a burning cross in the yard of Earl’s house.

That morning, Earl and many others looked at the cross in the yard. That day, he gave the girls the worst whooping of their life.

He didn’t whoop them because of what they did. He whooped them to teach them to not mess with the white people.

As he said as he was whooping the girls, “ I am not doing this because I am angry, but I am doing this because I love you.”

With that, the girls knew that something about messing with white people is never good.  After the incident, Earl decided it was time for the girls and him to move. They packed up their shed in North Carolina and moved to Harlem, New York.

When they got there, the girls were memorized by the streets and colors of the Big Apple. When finally getting to Harlem, they saw so many black folks move around so freely. Though the Great Depression was happening, FDR New Deal started to rebuild the nation.

As years went on, the girls settling into New York life.

Their father hit big.

As Earl was working for a big-time investor as a janitor, they started to develop a friendship. Earl showed him what could hit big for black folks. From different clubs, products, and much more. In 1954, the investor died due to old age and he didn’t have no wife or kids to leave his fortune.

So, he left it to Earl and the girls. Earl was happier that his daughters could go off to school, travel the world, and not have to struggle.

Earl decided to buy a whole building in Harlem and move his whole family from North Carolina and his sister’s family into the building. With this, Earl knew that the girls could keep this building in the family and make sure that they still have fortune.

Even though, Earl got a fortune and could easily pay someone to clean the large apartment. Majorie, whom is 15, was the care keeper after her sister and of the building. Majorie didn’t have the pleasure of having a kid life due to her mother not being there and her having to replace that spot for her sister.

Majorie made sure that she got rent from family, to keeping the building clean, and to making sure that her sister did good in school. Earl did not want Majorie to do all of that. He wanted her to enjoy life, but Majorie did it because she knew she had too.

Out of the blue, the phone rang. Earl answer and realize that it was from one of his good friend’s son from WWII. His mother died and he was on the list to come to pay his respects. So, the girls and him rode to Newark, New Jersy and went to the funeral.

As they paid their respects, Earl was trying to break through to his friend Alexundru. As he was doing that, Marilyn and Majorie was outside waiting. Marilyn started to talk and play with some of the neighborhood girls, while Majorie stood and looked around.

As Majorie looked up to see who was coming out of the church doors. She saw a group of boys and one stood out to her. He was the leader obviously due to him being in the front and the guys surrounding. His face looked like it was chiseled by Michael Angelo himself. From his hair being low cut, which was unusual due to every man wanting to have the slick back hair.

As Majorie was looking at him, one of the boys saw her. He nudged Florian and point towards Majorie. Florian looked at the girl and was in awe.

From looking at her press out hair that met her shoulders. To her black dress reaching her knees that squeeze every single curve on her body.

Florian realized that something started to feel weird downstairs. Even though he had many of girls, he never had felt like that about a girl straight away. Florian broke through the guys and walked over to Majorie.

Majorie snapped out of it when she realized he was in front of her. She quickly looked down than rather meet them piercing eyes.

“ My name is Florian. What’s yours?” Florian asked her while looking at her. Majorie kept her head down and stay like that. Florian didn’t know what to do and he was kinda shock.

“ So I guess I call you Shy.” Florian laughed out when finishing up.

Earl came out the church seeing Florian and Majorie. Earl made it known that he was there by coughing. Majorie looked up quickly and ran over to her dad while being thankful he came out when he did.

“Well Florian, your dad is a tough cookie. I tried to get him to talk, but he still not talking.” Earl walked over to Florian while giving his hand a shake. Florian shooked his head and understanding Earl, who kept talking, but Florian was looking at Majorie behind him.

Earl notice the young boy eyes on his daughter. Earl was happy that Majorie got attention from a boy because she is always to herself and have not experience the regular teenage life.

“ Florian, bring my baby girl back home by 7:00.” Earl said with his deep baritone voice while walking away from the two. Majorie was in shocked and ran after her dad.

“ Daddy, I don’t even know him! Plus I got to clean the house, finish cooking for tomorrow, and help Marilyn with her homework.” Majorie squeaky, high pitched voice capture her dad attention. With Earl getting to the car, and Marilyn running back over, he turn around to his daughter.

“ Baby, you need to experience life. I love that you step in place for your mother, but you are a teenager! Florian is a nice young man and he can keep you safe.” Earl stated to his daughter. Earl got in the car and Marilyn got in the back.

Majorie watch as they left her.

She turn around with Florian right behind her.

With that, Florian and Majorie went one the local cafes in Newark. As they was walking around, it seem like everybody knew who Florian was. As they went to the diner and ate. Majorie didn’t say one thing at all.

As he was taking her home, Majorie still didn’t say nothing. When he stop in front of her building, he walked her up the stoop.

“Well I had a fun time. Even though I did most of the talking.” Florian chuckled with his gruff voice. Florian looked at Majorie and saw that she kept her head down. Florian lift her head to look at him.

With that, Florian went in for a kiss, which Majorie did not stop.

“ Umm, Majorie I know you are not being a fast tell out here! Plus your father should be down here any second!” Aunt Shirley smiled while yelling out the third-floor window, looking down at her niece. Majorie quickly step back, with Florian laughing at the woman above.

Then, the door of the building quickly open to Earl and Marilyn. Earl smiled at his daughter and step out to wave his sister back in.

Majorie quickly ran inside to the top floor of the building.

“ Well, I guess that means either Majorie is embarrassed or you done something to her son.” Earl said while looking at Florian.

“ No sir, I have not! I really want to court Shy!” Florian blurted out the last part. Marilyn laughed at the boy standing in front of her.

“ Shy, that is a good nickname! She probably will never say anything to you!” Marilyn said with a sassy tone. Earl gave a look at Marilyn, which means it is time for her to go. Earl looked at Florian, whom was a mess due to him blurting out that he wants to court Majorie.

“ Well, just called the house phone everyday at 9:00 in the morning. You can speak Majorie then due to her being the only one at home. With that, son, if you ever hurt my daughter. I don’t mine breaking your face in even if you are white.” Earl finished with the threat.

Earl shut the door leaving Florian for his own thoughts.

One thing, Earl and Florian, didn’t know was that Marjorie was looking out the window at the conversation. She smile at the fact that Florian wanted to court her. She went back inside waiting for the next morning at 9:00 for that call.

That day, Florian didn’t just lose his mother, but he got his girl.

“ Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” Florian Jr yelped to his mother. Shy snapped out of her thoughts. She realized that everybody was starting to leave church. Shy looks to her left to see Florian getting his father to go outside in the summer heat.

Shy got up and picked up Benjamin, 2, who was sleep, and picked up her purse. Anastasia and Florian Jr, 8, held hands with Andrada, 4, to make sure they stick together.

“Do you need any help Shy?” Elena asked with her nasal voice. Before Shy could even answered, Florian answered.

“ Shy got it.” Florian toneless voice said while starting to push his father out of the church. Shy knew that Florian was upset with her, and she knew that this was going to be an all day thing.

“ Okay kids, lets go.” Shy quietly said to the kids. They walked behind Florian and his father, with Elena right behind them. 

Elena looked at Shy and just felt bad for her. It seems like after Benajamin was born, Florian and Shy’s relationship is just not the same.

As they walked out the church doors, Elena heard many things being said about the couple.

“ Florian only married her because he got her pregnant out of wed locked.”

“ He always disrespect her whenever that girl comes around.”

“ I just don’t understand why people want to now marry outside their race.”

Elena knew if she could hear them, Shy could too.

As they got to the bottom of the steps, she saw the red Ford Mustang.

Everybody knew exactly who that was. The Ford Mustang park on the other side of the rode. With that, a tall woman got out of the car. She started to walked over with her high heels and went straight up to Florian.

Shy saw as she walked with confidence and style over to her husband. Shy wished she did have the confidence she had.

Shy walked closer to the two of them to see what is about to happen.

“ Florian, I really need you to come help me with something.” Anna- Marie said with much sweetness behind her voice. Anna-Marie you could describe as the It girl of the decade. Anna Marie knew that she was beautiful and she use it for her benefits.

Florian felt eyes on him and saw his wife looking at the two of them. Anna-Marie smiled turn straight into a frown when seeing Shy. Anna-Marie wanted Florian since childhood. The only person that ruin it was Shy.

“Oh, Shy, I didn’t see you there! Kinda look like the maid with the kids.” Anna-Marie said loud enough to capture other people attention.

“ Now, you little rat, don’t be coming around here being an attention whore. The last time I remember you was a night walker!” Elena said even louder.

Anna-Marie laughed at Elena.

“ Well honey, I still hear that nasally voice. Still haven’t got it fix after your husband punch you.” Anna-Marie said with much fake sadness in her voice.

Anna-Marie turn back to Florian and said, “ Well, I see that you are busy. Come by tonight.” With that, Anna-Marie touched Florian arm and went back to her car.

Florian looked at the woman, and lust after her. Even though, she tried many of times with her forward advances. Florian would never take the forward advances with her because he loves his wife. However, Florian was lusting after the woman in front of him.

Shy looked at Florian as he looked at her. She saw that he was looking at her with the same eyes he  use to looked at her with. 

“Mommy, why are you crying?” Anastasia said with her quietly, squeak voice. With that, Elena and Florian looked at her. Shy shook her head and started to push the children to walk down the sidewalk to the house.

Elena looked at her cousin and shooked her head as she followed Shy and the kids. With that, Florian followed right behind them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Welll then, that was very tense and intresting!

How do you like the characters?

What do you think about relationship between Florian and Majorie “Shy”?

What you think happen to Florian and Majorie to have a tense relationship?

Do you think it is just a marriage “hump”? Or is it something else?

Please Comment, Like, Reblog!!

Taglist:

@19jammmy​ @designerwriterchic​ @queen-zelieonna​ @amethyst09​ @champagnesugamama​ @cocobutterqwueen​ @twistedcharismaaa​ @munteanhore​ @natashacoco

[fantastic-bby]

A Flame In The Dark - 4

Pairing: (F)Reader x San

Word count: 4.2k

Genre: Angst | Mage!San | Demi-demon!Reader 

Summary: San's life has been pretty suffocating. His childhood friend disappeared and his parents had forced him into a magic academy against his will. Although he's made new friends, the walls of the academy tend to feel like a prison to him.

With how he's already constantly sneaking out at night to get out of the academy, he thinks he's found a way to not feel so trapped. But San's habit of sneaking out just makes his life a whole lot more difficult...

Warnings: Use of dark magic | Gore | Violence | Major character death | San gets much hurt | Reader also gets hurt | Everyone gets hurt okay | This is also the final part of FITD whoo

Main masterlist || Previous || FITD Masterlist

“Wake up, San.” San’s eyes slowly opened, being faced with both Seonghwa and Mina looking at him in concern. The feeling of grass poking at his back slowly brought San back to the field as he sat up, looking around in slight confusion. 

He was slightly disoriented. “What happened?” he questioned. 

“You passed out,” Mina said softly. “Are you okay?” San looked around the field, his eyes stopping at the large patch of burnt grass in the middle of the field. Seonghwa followed his gaze,

“You did that, San,” he claimed. San whipped his head to the older mage with wide eyes. 

“I did?” 

Mina nodded. “You kinda exploded. I don’t know how else to describe it,” her hand raised to point to the hole in San’s shirt that was exposing his stomach. “But you were letting out this huge heat wave. I’m pretty sure the elders probably felt it, too.” Mina was right. Elder Jinx came running into the field with Elder Saron, both of them with confusion as well as concern painted on their faces. 

“What was that?” Elder Saron questioned. 

“We were helping San train and he pretty much burst into flames.” Seonghwa honestly couldn't really explain what had happened. It happened too quickly for any of the other mages to understand what was happening. Mina’s light creatures had pushed San to the ground and held him down, but San broke free by literally brusting into flames. Both Mina and Seonghwa were staring in shock as San was completely engulfed in flames, heat waving off of him and starting to push both of them back from the heat. 

“The heatwave was so strong, it stopped my magic,” Mina added. San looked at the two with the same confusion that the elders felt. 

“How did I do that?” he muttered out as he looked down at his hands. His skin was perfectly fine; unscathed. But the last time he tried to do something like that, his hand tore open and he had to visit Momo. 

“You managed to disable Mina’s magic with a heatwave?” Elder Jinx questioned, causing him to look up at her. “If you can learn to control it, it could help us greatly.” San let it sink in. If he did master it, he could use it against your den. He just needed to know how he did it. San raised his hands out in front of himself and stared at them, wondering whether or not he could replicate the power.

“Go rest, San,” Elder Jinx advised gently. “You aren’t used to using so much magic.” San obliged without much hesitation, stumbling his way towards the academy. He was surprised at how exhausted he felt. San’s body felt heavy as though he would collapse at any moment. It took him a lot just to get back to his room, and the moment he did, he passed out on his bed.

“San!” Wooyoung’s voice echoed throughout the destroyed building. San looked around frantically, trying to find his friend. The academy was caught ablaze, the second floor slowly starting to collapse into the first. None of the telepathic mages had seen you coming, and when they did, it was already too late to evacuate anyone. San had woken up to the smell of smoke only to realise that he had somehow slept through the building catching on fire and losing sight of his friends in the process.

San stumbled through the debris, desperately trying to find Wooyoung as his voice kept crying out for him. He was lucky his skin would only burn at higher temperatures. “Wooyoung?!” San called out just as a wooden frame came collapsing right in front of him. “Yeosang?!” The smoke was making it difficult for San to make anything out, but he could see a body crawling among the blaze. So, he ran through the flames and towards the body. 

“San!” Jaebeom’s eyes widened with relief when he saw the fire mage. “I can’t use my powers at all,” he grumbled, “I tried putting out the flames to try and find a way out, but the heat is too much for my magic.” San looked around the remains of Jaebeom’s study before turning back to the mentor. 

“Follow me, hyung. I think I can try and find a way out.” He held onto Jaebeom’s wrist and started to pull him through the fire as fast as he could. San needed to be quick. Jaebeom was an ice mage. High temperatures would weaken his body as well as deem his magic completely unusable. There was no way San could smash through the wall without hurting Jaebeom and the safest option was to run through the entire building until they found an opening. 

That was what they did. Twisting and turning throughout the academy only to be further trapped in when a huge portion of the second floor collapsed around them.

“San, wait,” Jaebeom coughed as he covered his mouth with the collar of his sweater. “Just break through the wall,” he suggested, cocking his head in the direction where the flames still weren’t as big. 

“Hyung, you’ll get hurt.” San’s eyes widened. 

“As long as we can get out of this place, it’s fine.” He shook his head. San hesitated for a moment, looking around to try and spot any other safer exits before deciding there was no other way out. An idea popped in his mind. He looked around at the blaze that surrounded them and realised that he was being constantly filled with energy from his element.

“I’ll blast through the wall myself, wait until I’m out.” Jaebeom nodded and San let go of his wrist. He crouched down, letting his body take in the heat energy around him to create a protective bubble. San knew if he just threw his body against the wall without anything protecting him, it would more than most likely knock him out. He charged towards the wall, feeling the shock the bubble was absorbing as it crashed through and left a hole big enough for Jaebeom. 

He landed on the ground, the bubble disappearing right as his feet hit the ground and he turned around to see Jaebeom running out. San looked around and he felt his heart drop. The sound of yelling as both sides of mages were fighting for their lives. He turned around to see Jaebeom running up to him, only then noticing just how pale the mentor looked from running through fire to get out. 

“You’re out!” Yeosang’s voice tapped into San’s mind. “Wooyoung and I are safe, the elders teleported whoever they could to a safe location.” 

“Who’s with you?” He questioned just as a dark mage threw a large piece of burning debris towards him. With a grunt, he jumped to the side and pushed Jaebeom to the ground. 

“Everyone but the mentors, Mina noona and Seonghwa hyung.” He paused. “Roll to the left with Jaebeom,” Yeosang ordered. San didn’t question it and immediately pulled Jaebeom to the left, watching as roots spiked up from the ground where they were before. 

“Holy shit. Hyung, are you okay?” San asked Jaebeom who nodded slowly. 

“I can’t do much, my ice is just going to melt quickly.” He scrambled from the ground and pulled San behind a large boulder. They had to assume it was brought by the dark mages because there was definitely not a boulder in their garden before. “San, if the dark mages are here, it means the darkin is here. You need to take her out. I’m going to try and-” Jaebeom was cut off when San was hit with a ray of dark energy, his body slamming through the walls of the academy and into the burning building.  

His body bounced off of the ground a couple of times before it slid, bumping into the wall. He let out a heavy groan, shaking his head slightly to align his blurred vision. San froze when he saw a dark figure approaching him, wings folding behind them as they walked through the fire. Fuck, it was you. San barely had any time to react when you levitated him with your magic and slammed him against the wall, the heat of the metal frames starting to seep into his skin. It was getting too hot for him and you knew that as you pushed him further into the frames. 

The feeling of the sharp edges of the metal starting to cut into his skin just added to the pain. San grit his teeth as he tried to move his hand. He let out a painful howl when he realised that trying to move would only push himself further back. 

“I’ve got you this time, mage,” you chuckled darkly as you watched the way blood started to run down his arms. Your gaze sharpened when you heard something to your left, turning to see a large icicle flying towards you. You let out a huff when you’re forced to let go of San to dodge it, seeing as the ice mage made his way towards you. San fell to the ground, wincing and groaning as the feeling of his fresh cuts. He looked up to see Jaebeom standing among the blaze, breathing heavily with eyes that kept fading in and out of blue. 

“Hyung! Get out!” San cried, panic starting to fill him when your attention turned to Jaebeom instead. Jaebeom ignored his cries and glared at you. From the way his aura was weakening by the second, you knew whatever magic he used on you would only be for a fleeting moment, and the thought of him trying amused you. The heat was taking its toll on Jaebeom, water dripping from his fingers and evaporating the moment they hit the ground. The cruel part of your heart was hoping you could drag this out for as long as you could. You had San wrapped around your finger without him knowing it, and you knew you could win this if you played your cards right.

“I’m open!” Jaebeom yelled as he raised his arms out to the sides. “Wanna have some fun, demon?!” he prodded, watching the way your red eye glowed in delight. 

“Is it smart to provoke a demon?” You licked your lips as your wings spread out behind you. You could feel your skin starting to change, the darkness flowing through your veins as you turned into your darkin form. For a moment, you could see Jaebeom’s expression falter. His eyes flicked to San’s for a split second and it was enough for him to understand what Jaebeom was doing. 

He used his magic to direct the flames towards you. Of course, you saw it coming and teleported behind San. You picked him up by his hair and placed your claw above his throat. “I’m not dumb, mage,” you hissed at Jaebeom, your claw pressing against his skin. San wracked his brain to find ways he could get out of this. Any sudden or obvious movement would have your claw stabbing into his skin. 

“You are a bit, though,” Jaebeom chuckled just as you felt a pair of hands wrap around your head from behind. Your entire body tensed up but it was too late for you to react. 

“Sleep,” the voice echoed in your mind and immediately pulled San out of your grasp. You crumbled to your knees, your brain trying to fight the sleep spell that was placed on your mind. You looked up, forcing your eyes open to see the three of them taking cautious steps back. Sleep spell counter—sleep spell counter, how do you fight it? You thought to yourself as your brain kept going through all of the spells you know until you found the right one. 

The three light mages watched in disbelief as you raised your hand to your head and sent a ray of dark magic into yourself, guarding your mind from any other mind tricks. Jackson held onto Jaebeom’s arm.

“We need to go. If you spend any more time here, you might die,” he warned as he tugged on Jaebeom’s arm, pleading for him to leave. 

“You guys won’t be able to fight her on your own.” he shook his head stubbornly. 

“Jinyoung is coming. It’ll be safer. You just need to get to a safe area to let your magic regenerate,” Jackson snapped. San turned between the two, watching them argue and watching as you were slowly getting back onto your feet. Wait, why wasn’t he doing anything? The world slowed around him as he thought about it. Why wasn’t he reacting? Jaebeom and Jackson continued to argue, the older mage too stubborn to leave his friend behind. The telepathic mage was doing what he could to convince the older to leave.  

“Both of you leave. I can handle her,” San spoke up as he lifted his arm, using the healing spell he learnt to heal his cuts. 

“San-”

“Go!” he shoved them towards the exit and manipulated the fire into a wall to stop them from coming towards him. San turned back around just in time to see you getting back onto your feet and charging towards him. He moved swiftly, dodging your attacks only to be hit from the opposite side with dark magic. You had somehow gotten faster—if it were even possible—and it was taking all San had to keep up with you. 

His eyes were desperately searching for an opportunity as you clawed at him and threw him around with your magic. San’s mind was racing to predict your movements, but without Yeosang’s help, he wasn’t fast enough. It was playing greatly to your advantage when you slammed your palm onto his chest and slammed him into the ground. 

“Fuck,” he groaned out. His entire body was aching from having been tossed around by you earlier. San was glad that he was surrounded by fire; his own element. It was constantly refueling his stamina and when you punched the ground beside his head, your fist got caught in the smoldered wood. It gave San the opportunity he needed and he immediately engulfed your body in flames. You were demon spawn—of course the fire wouldn’t hurt you, but it was enough to disorient you.

It also gave him openings to actually hurt you with force, sending bursts of energy your way to disorient you further. One particular burst threw you back enough that San charged towards you, his hand wrapping around your forearm in an attempt to blast it off. It honestly did very little, but it did burn off a layer of your skin. You grunted before simply punching upwards to send San flying across the building. 

How could you have forgotten that San could fly?

That was your downfall. 

San came flying back down and slammed into you with his body, forcing you onto the ground and dragging you until he tossed you against the wall. San could win. He knew he could. He just needed to land one hit. One hit on your chest to break into your heart. San swooped down, rolling you over to blast your shoulder, once again deeming your arm useless. You cried out, reaching up with your left hand to grab onto his shoulder, digging your claws into his skin to try and get him off of you. The opportunity was golden. San hovered his hand over your chest and that’s when he saw it. 

Everything around him froze. He stared at the chain that sat around your neck, comparing it to his own. It was the same ring. He looked between your face and the ring, his mind starting to fight with his heart. “(Y/n)?” San muttered out in disbelief. You froze at the mention of your name. This is it. You thought. You looked him in the eyes and the recognition was all he needed. “Y-You knew?” he questioned. “This whole time, you knew?” San sat back in disbelief, anger starting to bubble in the pit of his stomach. 

“The entire time we’ve been fighting, you knew?” he questioned back more harshly. You raised your left hand to claw him, but he blasted your bicep without hesitation. Fuck. You missed the chance. Fuck, you fucked up really bad. You started to panic, your mind trying to think your way out of this situation. “I spent so long wondering where you were!” San yelled. You looked around, watching as the flames started growing bigger around you before turning back to San. His eyes were glowing orange, and they only seemed to get brighter the angrier he got. 

“S-San,” you started but he cut you off by punching into your shoulder. You winced when he did and he simply glared at you. The magic he was letting out was stopping you from using any teleportation spells and you could only watch in fear as he got stronger.

“You left me. All those years ago. You left me. No message.” Tears started to stream out of his eyes, catching fire like they were gasoline and dripping onto your body. You were shocked when they started to burn your skin. “No warning—nothing. You just disappeared.” San lowered his head, his tears falling freely onto you. Your body squirmed in agony as you felt it melt into your skin. This was it. There was no way out. 

You have lost. 

You watched as San raised his fist, flames igniting all over his body and engulfing him. “I tried so hard to look for you. I waited for you,” he muttered out softly. “You left me.” 

“(Y/n)! (Y/n)!” San’s excitedly skipped towards you. You looked up and smiled when you saw him. “I got you something!” he grinned toothily. Your face contorted in disgust for a moment. 

“It’s not another bug, is it? Last time you said you got me something, you put a grasshopper in my hand.” You pouted. 

“It’s not, I promise!” he shook his head vigorously before extending his hands out to reveal a small box. You looked at the box curiously, watching as he opened it to reveal two rings. “I convinced my mama to let me get these. They’re matching rings,” he explained as he sat on the swing beside you. “This way, we’ll always be together!” San pulled one of the rings out and handed it to you. You took the ring from him and put it onto your finger. It was obviously too big from the way it hung off of your finger but you liked it. 

“Does this mean we’re connected?” you questioned, looking into his sparkling brown eyes. 

“Of course,” he nodded. “I’ll always be with you, (Y/n). If we get separated, I’ll always be in your heart.” 

“San?” Jackson called out. The building had long burnt out, black smoke heavily wafting off of what remained of the building and clouding the sky. The dark mages retreated while both you and San were nowhere to be seen. 

“San?!” Jaebeom entered the building carefully, looking around to make sure nothing was falling or crumbling as they searched for the fire mage. Jinyoung was laying on the ground outside, his wounds too great for him to try and help search for his mentee. Tzuyu joined the group in looking for him, following close to Jackson just in case anything happened. Seonghwa was resting with Mina, both suffering from wounds that prevented them from searching for San.

In the distance, Jihyo caught sight of a lonely silhouette kneeling on the ground. “San? Is that you?” she called out as she slowly stepped closer. When his figure became clearer, she broke into a sprint. “I found him!” Jihyo announced loudly enough for the other mentors to hear her. “San? Are you okay?” She crouched beside him, her eyes widening when she saw the state he was in. 

His shirt was burnt, hanging off of his left shoulder by a thread, a portion of his chest and stomach completely exposed. His hair was dishevelled and his whole right arm was completely burnt; flesh red and raw. San didn’t respond when Jihyo came. Her hands were hovering over his body, trying to find a place to hold him without hurting him.

“Is he okay?” Jaebeom asked as he approached them. Jihyo gave him an unsure look and he immediately crouched in front of him. “San? Hey,” he waved his hand in front of San’s face. Jaebeom took note of the way San’s eyes faintly glowed orange. 

“Hyung, I think you’re sitting on someone,” Jackson pointed out. Jaebeom looked down and immediately moved off when he saw what looked like burnt remains. His gaze moved to San’s burnt arm and he realised what had most likely happened. 

“Are you okay?” Jackson questioned as he gently placed his hand on San’s shoulder. His eyes flicked up to his mentors before looking around. He had never felt so disoriented before. San looked down at the hard shell of your body, the whole fight coming back to him slowly. After he had blasted your chest, your entire body hardened into a black shell. Instead of moving off, San sat there and cried. 

San cried until the fire had died down, and when he couldn’t cry anymore, he just sat there. Every feeling in his body was numb. He couldn’t even feel hi wounds anymore. The mentors moving around him was a blur as they got him to his feet and helped him out of the building. Jackson rested him against a tree and let Momo do what she could. 

“You guys really need to learn these spells,” she grumbled out. “It’s not fair that I have to heal almost everyone.” She turned to the others who shrugged. 

“He hasn’t moved since we brought him out,” Jihyo muttered out softly. San was staring straight ahead, seemingly unaware of what was happening around him. Never in his life had he thought that when he found you again, he’d have to kill you. 

He stayed silent even when the elders reappeared. Wooyoung and Yeosang immediately ran up to him, their footsteps slowing when they saw how blank he looked. “San?” Yeosang crouched down beside him, but San remained unresponsive. 

“Is he okay?” Wooyoung questioned, worry lacing his voice. Yeosang was careful when he placed his hands on either side of San’s head, tapping into his mind to look through his memories. He knew that San would’ve fought back if he wanted to, but something about the way he simply sat there made them both understand that something must’ve happened. 

“O-Oh,” Yeosang muttered out softly. “San, I’m so sorry.” He said solemnly. Yeosang saw everything; the fires, you, and just how much emotion San felt. Whatever San was feeling was so overwhelming that even Yeosang couldn’t stop himself from feeling his heart ache. 

“What happened?” Wooyoung nudged Yeosang’s arm and he turned to the voodoo mage, hesitating for a moment before sending the images to his mind. He sat back on his arms, the weight of San’s emotions settling in his own mind. “Holy shit,” he muttered out, turning to San who was staring at them blankly. 

His bottom lip quivered—trembling ever so slightly, “I had no choice.” The words left his mouth so softly, his two friends almost missed it. “I would’ve put the entire academy in more danger if I didn’t. She was getting too strong.” 

“You did the right thing, San.” The three turned to San’s right to see Seonghwa looking at them with half-lidded eyes. “I’m sorry it had to be her,” he rasped out. 

“It’s okay, hyung. You didn’t know.” San’s head leaned back against the tree. “None of us knew.” Yeosang and Wooyoung sat back, watching the way San seemed to keep coming in and out of reality. Seonghwa nodded in understanding before turning away from him. Yeosang decided against tapping into his friend’s mind again, simply letting him grieve on his own. 

San closed his eyes, letting his mind replay the last thing you had said to him. 

“I didn’t know who you were until my mother told me. If I knew it was you, I wouldn’t have fought you as hard as I did,” you quickly rambled out as he held his hand out in the air. “But, I would still do anything to become queen.” Your eye quickly changed into a bright glowing red as you wiggled your wing out from under you in an attempt to pull San off of you. San had already seen it coming. His hand clenched into a fist and slammed down onto your chest, a loud cry following as he centered his magic in his hand.

His anger overcame the pain, his mind building a wall around his heart. There was nothing that could stop him anymore and you knew you had lost. You missed all the chances, all the openings—you were too reckless. Your body slowly hardened and San could feel his skin burning and tearing, but he was too overwhelmed to even feel the pain. He could feel nothing. 

Never in his entire life had he thought that when he found you, he would have to turn you away. San imagined that when you both reunited you would relish the feeling of finding each other—bask in the presence of each other and finally catch up. But it seemed the universe had other plans for him. Instead, you were ripped out of San’s life by his own hands. 

End

[a-student-out-of-time]

Twisted Sister Arc Review Part 2

Mindwipe

Welcome back everyone! Last time we looked how Kanade killed everyone, got the shit beaten out of her by a lot of people, mainly Nikei and Hibiki though, stuff the Mod doesn’t want to talk about and now that timeline is DED. Now it’s time to deal with Kanade proper as we already wasted a life on her (actually she ate two lives now, as she was responsible for Hajime dying the first time, he lost a life) and we don’t need any more lives being lost.

With a reset and briefing of the QC of how Kanade got strok, it’s time for Hajime and Nikei to beeline to Hope’s Peak and this time they are not fucking around as Kanade racked up a decent body count last time, and that’s not an experience they want to repeat. But first thing’s first time for Hajime to keep his promise to Massacre!Nikei and make sure that Iroha doesn’t become the first victim to Kanade and start the chain reaction off. I think we Anons do kinda feel guilty for getting Iroha killed the first time around as she was supposed to be on a date with Makoto that day, and of course Makoto’s wonderful luck meant the Prison Break had to happen on that day, and rather than stay with Makoto, she rushed in to stop Kanade. Then again, we all assumed that Kanade was still the same pathetic serial killer that Hajime and Sonia dealt with in the Concert Arc and didn’t get more generous buffs then Samus did from Smash 64 to Melee, so hindsight 20/20, I guess? Anyway, they get Iroha to go back to her ahoge boyfriend and now at Hope’s Peak it’s time for Hajime’s grand master plan to bring…EVERYONE FROM CLASS 77-B! *Insert Smash Ultimate meme here* Oh and Juzo, he’s useful too, I guess. Kanade arrives to begin the plot of Carrie, but instead gets tear gas in her face, a swift pound down from Class 77-B, and Juzo, and then is quickly disabled by Mikan. Again, like with the whole Kanade Vs. Hibiki fight beforehand, I would love to see an animation of Class 77-B just beating the living snot out of Kanade and this is much better imo then when Sonia kicked the living shit out of Kanade. There our reasons for hating Kanade were basically all the shit she pulled in SDAR2, but here we just had a bad timeline where Kanade killed a bunch of people, and likeable people as well, and thus as they say…the fallen have been avenged.

Of course, getting Kanade’s arse handed to her was half the battle, as now the focus is on; what the heck is going on here? A quick check from the biology people revealed some very worrying facts. The first one is that Kanade’s syringe contained an addictive which not only can keep a person awake for days, but the chemical compound is unique, only came out for a few months in 2003 and all the people involved in it are in jail. Then there is the fact that she has dermal armour which looks like skin on her, which while flexible like skin, is strong enough to block bullets and blades. The experimental nature of it makes it highly expensive as well, meaning whoever is behind this, they are loaded and have resources. And then there is the confirmation that yes, she has a BCI. One that is full of combat data and information on Class 77-B. This is the most worrying part in my opinion. Anyone in the Despairs with enough money and resources could do all the above but VERY few people knew that Hibiki came over to Hope’s Peak and bonded with Class 77-B. The data required for that narrows suspect list down a lot and the implications are…worrying. Whoever backed Kanade, they are not to be underestimated.

And then comes when Yasuke is relevant to the plot for once and the whole Mindwipe proposal. So first let’s talk Yasuke. A lot of people hated the idea he was on the side of good here, as they prefereed it when he was just Junko’s boyfriend. Thing is though, I feel like Yasuke could work here. Remember he never bought Junko’s despair ideology and while he is an arsehole, he could be the ‘Byakuya’ of the group in which he is a cold jerk who says harsh things, but said harsh things are required as there are uncomfortable truths out there which the rest of the QC are either too afraid or too polite to say. I just hope Mod doesn’t bow down to peer pressure and make Yasuke a bone fila villain just because people hate him, but maybe tone down his jackarsey a bit. I know its canonically accurate but not everyone has read Zero and as such I don’t think people are used to that kind of harsh words coming from a non-antagonistic character.

And then there is the Mindwipe…naturally this a decision which has caused many readers to be split on it, and even for the QC to have a scrum debate over it. Don’t lie, you all heard the music. And unlike with a scrum debate where one side is clearly one, here both sides have a point. Mindwiping Kanade is ethically wrong on so many levels, and easily the darkest thing the QC have done, but they also don’t have a lot of options because there is a Prison Break to deal with, and Kanade was gonna be killed anyway so this is keeping her body alive but just killing her mind. They may be the good guys here, but given how morally deprived their opponents are, sometimes you do have to swoop to their level because you have little choice in the matter. It’s also interesting to see everyone’s viewpoints on it, some stating that from leadership like characters such as Sonia and Nikei arguing that at times you do have to make difficult choices and they don’t have the luxury of being morally right all the time, pragmatic characters like Sora stating that a mindwiped and redeemed Kanade could be beneficial to them if they do go down this route, to those who have spiritual issues like with Gundham, moral problems like with Chiaki and ethical problems like with Kyoji. Nobody is split in the middle, you either think mindwiping is the best possible solution, or if it’s so wrong it cannot be done. Arguing got so bad that Yoruko had to step in and get Hibiki, the most important person as far this matter goes, to decide. And Hibiki vents her feelings on the matter, and decides that since both sides have good points, to just vote on the matter.

This is one of the best parts here because it isn’t done by the characters but rather the audience. After all, given this is such a morally questionable decision it makes sense for the audience to decide what path they are going down. And thus, votes are casted…a lot more people read this then I suspected, and a significant majority go towards mindwiping. I dunno how they explain the votes though as there clearly isn’t that many people voting so how does one in-universe count the Anons’ votes? But again, I’m not surprised the mindwipe came through as Kanade is a popular character in the fandom (She ranked #2 in the official SDAR2 popularity poll, just behind Sora) so any chances of Kanade getting a redemption arc especially as we would have a Ryoko-espe character with her, would be something the fanbase would gobble up. I just hope none of the QC resent this decision, they may regret it but they have to remember it’s a hard choice for all of them and they didn’t have a lot of options. Even those against the Mindwipe would have to do their part, after all they are a team. At least Yasuke is considerate enough for all blame regarding the consequences of the mindwipe to be directed at him as he kinda forced the decision onto us. Hopefully Kyoji and Kokoro made sure he didn’t turn Kanade into a Despair Sleeper Agent or something. However, I did genuinely enjoy the audience participation here and I hope more chances like this come up in the future as it gives the audience a greater degree of control on how the story pans out.

That’s Kanade dealt with, but The QC cannot rest yet, because her escaping wasn’t the only bad thing to occur, there’s a Prison Break and tons of criminals running around that need wrangling! And with that the second part of the review concludes. Next time for the final time we talk about dealing with them damn prisoners and my final overall thoughts on the Arc! See ya then- Review Anon

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why does january always feel like it’s 3 months long. anyway here’s what i read in january, feat. poison experts with ocd, ants in your brain, old bolsheviks getting purged, and mountweazels. 

city of lies, sam hawke (poison wars #1) this is a perfectly nice fantasy novel about jovan, who serves as essentially a secret guard against poisoning for his city state’s heir and is forced to step up when his uncle (also a secret poison guard) and the ruler are both killed by an unknown poison AND also the city is suddenly under a very creepy siege (are these events related? who knows!) this is all very fine & entertaining & there are some fun ideas, but also... the main character has ocd and SAME HAT SAME HAT. also like the idea of having a very important, secret and potentially fatal job that requires you to painstakingly test everything the ruler/heir is consuming WHILE HAVING OCD is like... such a deliciously sadistic concept. amazing. 3/5

my heart hemmed in, marie ndiaye (translated from french by jordan stump) a strange horror-ish tale in which two married teachers, bastions of upper-middle-class respectability and taste, suddenly find themselves utterly despised by everyone around them, escalating until the husband is seriously injured. through several very unexpected twists, it becomes clear that the couple’s own contempt for anyone not fitting into their world and especially nadia’s hostility and shame about her (implied to be northern african) ancestry is the reason for their pariah status. disturbing, surprising, FUCKED UP IF TRUE (looking back, i no longer really know what i mean by that). 4/5

xenogenesis trilogy (dawn/adulthood rites/imago), octavia e. butler octavia butler is incapable of writing anything uninteresting and while i don’t always completely vibe with her stuff, it’s always fascinating & thought-provoking. this series combines some of her favourite topics (genetic manipulation, alien/human reproduction, what is humanity) into a tale of an alien species, the oankali, saving some human survivors from the apocalypse and beginning a gene-trading project with them, integrating them into their reproductive system and creating mixed/’construct’ generations with traits from both species. and like, to me, this was uncomfortably into the biology = destiny thing & didn’t really question the oankali assertion that humans were genetically doomed to hierarchical behaviour & aggression (& also weirdly straight for a book about an alien species with 3 genders that engages in 5-partner-reproduction with humans), so that angle fell flat for me for the most part, altho i suppose i do agree that embracing change, even change that comes at a cost, is better than clinging to an unsustainable (& potentially destructive) purity. where i think the series is most interesting is in its exploration of consent and in how far consent is possible in extremely one-sided power dynamics (curiously, while the oankali condemn and seem to lack the human drive for hierarchy, they find it very easy to abuse their position of power & violate boundaries & never question the morality of this. in this, the first book, focusing on a human survivor first encountering the oankali and learning of their project, is the most interesting, as lilith as a human most explicitly struggles with her position - would her consent be meaningful? can she even consent when there is a kind of biochemical dependence between humans and their alien mates? the other two books, told from the perspectives of lilith’s constructed/mixed children, continue discussing themes of consent, autonomy and power dynamics, but i found them less interesting the further they moved from human perspectives. on the whole: 2.5/5

love & other thought experiments, sophie ward man, we love a pierre menard reference. anyway. this is a novel in stories, each based (loosely) on a thought experiment, about (loosely) a lesbian couple and their son arthur, illness and grief, parenthood, love, consciousness and perception, alternative universes, and having an ant in your brain. it is thoroughly delightful & clever, but goes for warmth and humanity (or ant-ity) over intellectual games (surprising given that it is all about thought experiments - but while they are a nice structuring device i don’t think they add all that much). i haven’t entirely worked out my feelings about the ending and it’s hard to discuss anyway given the twists and turns this takes, but it's a whole lot of fun. 4/5

a general theory of oblivion, josé eduardo agualusa (tr. from portuguese by daniel hahn) interesting little novel(la) set in angola during and after the struggle for independence, in which a portuguese woman, ludo, with extreme agoraphobia walls herself into her apartment to avoid the violence and chaos (but also just... bc she has agoraphobia) with a involving a bunch of much more active characters and how they are connected to her to various degrees. i didn’t like the sideplot quite as much as ludo’s isolation in her walled-in flat with her dog, catching pigeons on the balcony and writing on the walls. 3/5

cassandra at the wedding, dorothy baker phd student cassandra returns home attend (sabotage) her twin sister judith’s wedding to a young doctor whose name she refuses to remember, believing that her sister secretly wants out. cass is a mess, and as a shift to judith’s perspective reveals, definitely wrong about what judith wants and maybe a little delusional, but also a ridiculously compelling narrator, the brilliant but troubled contrast to judith’s safer conventionality. on the whole, cassandra’s narrative voice is the strongest feature of a book i otherwise found a bit slow & a bit heavy on the quirky family. fav line is when cass, post-character-development, plans to “take a quick look at [her] dumb thesis and see if it might lead to something less smooth and more revolting, or at least satisfying more than the requirements of the University”. 3/5

the office of historical corrections, danielle evans a very solid collection of realist short stories (+ the titular novella), mainly dealing with racism, (black) womanhood, relationships between women, and anticolonial/antiracist historiography. while i thought all the stories were well-done and none stood out as weak or an unnecessary inclusion, there also weren’t any that really stood out to me. 3/5

sonnenfinsternis, arthur koestler (english title: darkness at noon) (audio) you know what’s cool about this book? when i added it to my goodreads tbr in 2012, i would have had to read it in translation as the german original was lost during koestler’s escape from the nazis, but since then, the original has been rediscovered and republished. yet another proof that leaving books on your tbr for ages is a good thing actually. anyway. this is a story about the stalinist purges, told thru old bolshevik rubashov, who, after serving the Party loyally for years & doing his fair share of selling people out for the Party, is arrested for ~oppositional activities. in jail and during his interrogations, rubashov reflects on the course the Party has taken and his own part (and guilt) in that, and the way totalitarianism has eaten up and poisoned even the most commendable ideals the Party once held (and still holds?), the course of history and at what point the end no longer justifies the means. it’s brilliant, rubashov is brilliant and despicable, i’m very happy it was rediscovered. 5/5

heads of the colored people, nafissa thompson-spires another really solid short story collection, also focused on the experiences of black people in america (particularly the black upper-middle class), black womanhood and black relationships, altho with a somewhat more satirical tone than danielle evans’s collection. standouts for me were the story in letters between the mothers of the only black girls at a private school, a story about a family of fruitarians, and a story about a girl who fetishises her disabled boyfriend(s). 3.5/5

pedro páramo, juan rulfo (gernan transl. by dagmar ploetz) mexican classic about a rich and abusive landowner (the titular pedro paramo) and the ghost town he leaves behind - quite literally, as, when his son tries to find his father, the town is full of people, quite ready to talk shit about pedro, but they are all dead. it’s an interesting setting with occasionally vivid writing, but the skips in time and character were kind of confusing and i lost my place a lot. i’d be interested in reading rulfo’s other major work, el llano en llamas. 2.5/5

verse für zeitgenossen, mascha kaléko short collection of the poems kaléko, a jewish german poet, wrote while in exile in the united states in the 30-40s, as well as some poems written after the end of ww2. kaléko’s voice is witty, but at turns also melancholy or satirical. as expected i preferred the pieces that directly addressed the experience of exile (”sozusagen ein mailied” is one of my favourite exillyrik pieces). 3/5

the harpy, megan hunter yeah this was boooooooring. the cover is really cool & the premise sounded intriguing (women gets cheated on, makes deal with husband that she is allowed to hurt him three times in revenge, women is also obsessed with harpies: female revenge & female monsters is my jam) but it’s literally so dull & trying so hard to be deep. 1.5/5

the liar’s dictionary, eley williams this is such a delightful book, from the design (those marbled endpapers? yes) to the preface (all about what a dictionary is/could be), to the chapter headings (A-Z words, mostly relating to lies, dishonesty, etc in some way or another, containing at least one fictitious entry), to the dual plots (intern at new edition of a dictionary in contemporary england checking the incomplete old dictionary for mountweazels vs 1899 london with the guy putting the mountweazels in), to williams’s clear joy about words and playing with them. there were so many lines that made me think about how to translate them, which is always a fun exercise. 3.5/5

catherine the great & the small, olja knežević (tr. from montenegrin by ellen elias-bursać, paula gordon) coming-of-age-ish novel about katarina from montenegro, who grows up in  titograd/podgorica and belgrad in the 70s/80s, eventually moving to london as an adult. to be honest while there are some interesting aspects in how this portrays yugoslavia and conflicts between the different parts of yugoslavia, i mostly found this a pretty sloggy slog of misery without much to emotionally connect to, which is sad bc i was p excited for it :(. 2/5

the decameron project: 29 new stories from the pandemic, anthology a collection of short stories written during covid lockdown (and mostly about covid/lockdown in some way). they got a bunch of cool authors, including margaret atwood, edwidge danticat, rachel kushner ... it’s an interesting project and the stories are mostly pretty good, but there wasn’t one that really stood out to me as amazing. i also kinda wish more of the stories had diverged more from covid/lockdown thematically bc it got a lil repetitive tbh. 2/5

[writingsbychlo]

feels like loneliness (03)

word count; 8280

summary; thomas finally comes to peace with the nameless girl in his mind, and does everything he can to help the people who are really present in his mind.

notes; this part gets a little intense, but you all know the way teh movie goes, so it’s just the memories that are a surprise.

warnings; a whole lot of angst, character death.

“love feels like loneliness”

“We can’t leave. They won’t let us.” Confusion filled Thomas at the idea of them not wanting to leave, not wanting to know what they’d found today. He sat stoic, he didn’t even flinch at the declaration, his expression unchanging as he continued to stare forward, blankly, barely acknowledging the presence of the group that had arrived to see him.

“What are you talking about?”

“I remember.” The simple statement shocked everybody in the room, eyes glancing between one another as they waited in silence, the anticipation all but bubbling over into anxiety and worry.

“What do you remember?”

“You.” Thomas could feel the eyes burning into the back of his head, he could feel Gally’s angry stare, Newt and Minho’s curious gazes along with Teresa’s worried looks. “You were always their favourite Thomas.” Voices were picking up outside, and a few tears dripped along the boy’s cheeks as he finally turned to meet Thomas’ gaze. “Why didn’t you listen to her?”

“W-What?”

“A girl. The girl Ben was talking about I saw her. For years she started to have her suspicions. She told us, she saw through it. Nobody would listen, nobody listened..” He trailed off, his eyes glazing over as he became lost in the newly found memories surrounding him, and Thomas wanted to press further, to ask what he remembered about this girl, but the panicked shouting outside was growing louder and more urgent, pressing matters needing to be attended to first.

Stumbling back on shaky feet, Thomas couldn’t tear his eyes from the boy before him for a good few seconds, knowing he now had answers Thomas did not, about who she was, and where they all came from before this. 

Twilight had fallen quickly, boys running rapidly, lighting torches for one another and bolting about with purpose, screaming unintelligible commands to one another, and Thomas stopped Winston as he made an attempt to fly past them; “What’s happening?”

“The doors aren’t closing.” He took quick strides, following them all towards the opening in the rock, that should be long closed by now. They all stood, gathering to watch, staring into the eerily still stone corridor as not even a light breeze swept through, the air dead and silent.

Suddenly, a loud cracking, the echo booming across the glade followed, the group ducking and twisting, searching to find the sound of the noise. The opposite set of doors opened, followed by another, and another, doors that from the confused looks on everyone’s faces had never yet opened, their entrances buried deep within the trees. 

Birds flew up at the disturbance, squawking and wailing loudly as they disappeared into the sky, clouds of settled dust and dirt rising up into the air as the vines and ivy that had grown between them all this time snapped and swung aggressively as they were torn apart from the unexpected movement.

“Chuck, go to the council hall. Start barricading the doors.” His hand weakly tugged at the young boy’s shirt as he grasped at his shoulder, the kid nodding in confirmation as he began running his fastest back through the field. Newt quickly assigned Winston to escort him, the older boy dashing to catch up with the younger one as they beelined for the main hall. 

Gally took command of the back of the group, instructing them all to run, to find everyone they could and warn them to go and hide. Minho left with a small group to find weapons, as many as they possibly could, as Thomas would go to get Alby. Before their plan could be put into motion, a small group from one of the other doors were screaming, running across the field, with only one word to explain their actions. Grievers.

They had barely processed the words when the sickening wails of said creatures rounded the corner, the scraping of sharp metal claws on the stone was enough to make a person’s ears bleed, as three paused to stare directly at them, before taking off towards the glade. The group bolted, everyone, running in different directions to escape, dropping their torches to the ground in hoping of blending into the darkness, the majority heading for the tall cornfields, slipping between the plants to hide as the stalks towered over them.

The screams of other boys were getting closer and closer, the whirring of mechanical engines a low hum that surrounded them all, before suddenly growing louder. From nowhere, a tail shot out, claws at the end sealing tightly around Zart’s body before he was snatched from the ground before anyone could grab him, tearing him away as the creature disappeared into the darkness again.

They were once again on the move, the predators closing in on them from all sides, cornering them like pack animals as they frantically tried to navigate their way through the glade. Thomas’ head was aching, blood pounding behind his eyes as he squeezed them shut, cursing his mind for choosing now to resurface old memories, the taste of copper in his mouth strong as he choked back the oncoming visions.

Finding themselves trapped, Teresa did the only thing she could think of in the moment. Picking up a flaming jar of moonshine, she launched the drink, the glass shattering as the liquid spread flames across the creature, and it curled around, rolling against the floor in an attempt to extinguish itself of the heat, and she clutched her hand to her chest, skin singed from the hot jar. 

As it stilled they turned, continuing to run before another one found them, narrowing in on them from the side. Thomas wasn’t sure why his body had picked now to fight, now to give him an adrenaline rush, when all he had to defend himself was a dulled knife and his fists, but he had never been more relieved when a spear, followed by a second and a third struck its side, disabling it as it desperately chewed to get the offending objects gone from its body. 

Newt, Minho and Frypan all closed the distance towards them, the group continues it’s last paces to the hall. Only one door was still stood open, a trembling but brave Chuck holding it that way so they could all get in safely. As the last one in, Thomas sealed the door, pushing it closed and blocking it with any last boxes he could find, the group backing up into a huddle in the corner, as the building rattled, door threatening to burst as growling and snarling sounded from the other side.

Blood was trickling from his nose in steady lines, his heart beating uncontrollably as Thomas gasped quietly for breath, wiping at his face to clear it of the red substance, his hands clutching his knees as he keeled over. 

“Is it happening again?” Both an accented voice and not rang out quietly in his ear and he glanced up, catching a vague sight of Minho and Newt looking at one another warily before looking back to him, and he waved them off, refusing to allow his brain to slip away from him as he focused on the moment.

As he tried, the loud cracking and splintering of wood broke the silence, the tail of a machine shooting in pulling support beams inside free as the roof caved in on them. Clouds of dirt filled the air, blinding them all as they coughed and spluttered, the creature taking the chance to attack as it grabbed at boys, pulling them from the rubble as they screamed. It was up on the roof once again, it’s body hanging in from the hole it had created in the scaffolding as the weaponised appendage moved of its own accord.

The limb was swinging about wildly, grabbing onto the first person it could find. Chuck. Without hesitation, Thomas jumped forward, his hands grabbing onto Chuck’s arms to pulling back as the others grabbed onto Thomas, stopping his body from sliding across the floor as it tried to lift them both. The animal was still winning the battle, until Alby attacked. Using a discarded branch, he knocked the stinger straight from it, the needle sliding across the floor. He smashed at the limb itself, and it dropped Chuck, moving to him but he continued it’s assault, until retreating from the gap, Chuck crawling back to safety.

It wasn’t gone for long, however, soon making its return to take Alby himself, lifting him through the roof until his fingers were barely holding on, Thomas doing his best to pull him back down but the fight was no use, and they both knew it. “Thomas. Get them out.” It was like a moment of clarity had washed over the man in his last seconds, he wasn’t the broken boy sitting in the medhut, but the leader and friend he always had been, before he was ripped away from Thomas’ grasp, the beast retreating with its real prize, at last.

He ran for the door, and by the time he could get it open to try and chase for his friend, the glade was cleared, once again laying dark and silent, but ruined. Buildings were destroyed, flames were curling up into the night sky and setting a bright orange glow across the grass, and bloodied bodies could be spotted across the field, torn limbs and shredded clothes everywhere. It was a battlefield, in a battle they lost.

From the smoke, he could see Gally, marching his way towards them as rapid speeds as the rest of the group split out around him, forcing them all into the open as the boy marched up to him, large fist closed and swinging into his jaw, the crunch of bone sounding out as Thomas collapsed into the grass, a pained grunt leaving his lips.

“This is all you, Thomas! You heard what Alby said!” The boys other restrained him, his anger seething out as Thomas rubbed at his jaw, rolling onto his back to look at the enraged man before him. “He’s one of them, he was sent here to destroy everything, and now he has!” Words blurred in his defence as the dull pounding he’d been suppressing began to make a return to the inside of his skull. Looking at the chaos and wreckage around him, he was confused, not understanding what had just happened or why. “Look around Thomas, look around! This is your fault!”

Chuck was still holding onto the snapped off needle, the item barely clasped between his fingers, ready to slip to the ground at any moment as the fighting continued in the background and he leaned over to pluck it from the kid’s hand. “Maybe he’s right..” He wasn’t sure who he was talking to, maybe just himself as he cleared his thoughts, raising the device to look at it more clearly.

“Thomas?”

Nothing was clear to him. Not who he was, where he was or why, but he knew one thing for sure. He needed to remember what he had done, and what had happened to you. “I need to remember, Teresa.” She seemed to anticipate his moves, lunging at him to snatch the object but he plunged the needle into his leg, the feeling of it tearing at his nerves and muscles was agonising, the feel of the liquid crawling in his veins was sickening. The headache he had only increased tenfold, sending him spiralling as he tumbled toward the ground, vision fading out as it became too much to bear.

He could see your face through the blue-tinted screens before them, your bottom lip clenched tight between your teeth and your eyebrows furrowed. You were writing rapidly in a notebook, scribbling down calculations and ideas, knuckles practically white from the force with which you were gripping the pen and Thomas couldn’t help but admire you. Admire the dedication you were putting into your work, admire the way you were struggling so hard to find a cure.

What he missed was that you weren’t doing it for you, or for WCKD. He missed the angry sighs that left your lips and the way you’d been crying silently to yourself in the bunks as not to disturb the dwindling number of girls left sharing it with you. That morning, another girl had been taken, he thinks you’d said her name was Ella, maybe, he couldn’t remember. 

You were doing it for Sonya, the best friend who had been given to the trials four months ago. And to her brother Newt, who’d been given to the trials a year ago. You were doing it for all of your friends, who you missed deeply, and were determined to have freed. 

He hadn’t realised just how long he’d spent watching you, lost in thought, until a manicured hand landed on his shoulder, startling him as Ava Paige leaned down beside him to inspect the work he was doing. She congratulated him, a quick mumble of how much he was contributing towards their cause muttered, followed by her quote of ‘WCKD is good’, upon noticing his screen. 

It seems those words caught your attention the most, because as they reached you ear you’d looked up, staring through your own work to look at his, eyes flicking over the cameras and monitors watching your friends, watching as they struggled to hold down a boy who was writhing and screaming in pain, vitals flashing up on the monitor beside the images as the chip in his neck fed back to them. His life was ebbing away from him, the nasty wound from the injection crawling up his flesh and worsening every time he moved. 

You didn’t meet Thomas’ eye. Instead, you snapped your notebook shut, tucking your pen inside the worn leather notebook and letting your head hand for a few seconds, your hair framing your face and hiding you from his view. When you looked up again, your face was void, clear of emotion entirely as you pushed a USB into the port on the side of your computer, setting it to back up and save all work, before slipping the gadget from the port and into your pocket.

It wasn’t until you were leaving, up and walking past Thomas’ chair that you left a note wedged under the screen diving you both, a note designed for him, that he saw you give him any kind of thought. You’d nodded to him, a hint of a smile on your face as you’d left. He was used to this act, as though the two of you meant nothing more to one another than colleagues, perhaps good friends when off duty. Lately, you had been different, and Thomas had been able to sense it in you. 

You didn’t want to look at him or kick at him under the table subtly when the guards weren’t looking. You didn’t press your hand up against the glass while you were working, so he could do the same, and you hadn’t let him sneak out to see you for weeks, which was why he was so surprised to unfold the paper and find you planned to see him this evening. 

He wasn’t sure where everything had gone so wrong for him, one minute you’d been right there, your hand in his as you guided him through the shelves of the lab to your usual spot where neither of you could be seen. 

The next, you’d been crying, frantically telling him you couldn’t do it anymore, before being dragged away from him, unconscious and bruised from the rough treatment. By the time he’d managed to gather himself, Teresa shaking some sense into him in her own broken state he’d missed the elevator to catch up with you.��

He ran the stairs two at a time, tripping and falling as he rushed to get to level three, his body crashing through the metal door as he stumbled into the pristine white corridor. He was too late, an IV drip already in your skin, your head lulled uncomfortably to the side as you sat slumped in the chair, your body still plunged into darkness.

His fists hit at the glass until wet red marks were left on the window, and yet, the doctors inside didn’t even look up, didn’t even spare him a glance to acknowledge his pain. His arm burned, from the tips of his fingers to his shoulder, he was exhausted and his eyes were stinging.

A pair of clean white heels stopped in front of his view, a blonde head looking down at him, face stoic and barren of compassion, but rage bubbled up within him. “You told us we were safe! You told us we couldn’t be afforded to be wasted in the maze trials! You promised! You promised we were safe because the work we were doing was too valuable!” His voice echoed from the walls, carrying through the halls and ringing out, loudly. Scrambling to his feet, he caught sight of your hand hanging limply from the trolley they’d moved you to, your fingers twitching as you began to slip back into a conscious state, the sedative given to stop you from fighting already wearing off. “You promised me! You promised, you promised you wouldn’t take us! You promised you wouldn’t take her!”

“I promised that if you kept up bringing our results and theories forwards that you would serve more of a purpose behind a desk than behind a wall. I never promised you would be kept from the trials, and when (Y/N) stopped working so adeptly and began to doubt what we were doing here when she began communicating with those outside of the walls, she betrayed that trust and now serves a purpose only as a test subject.” Her voice was monotone, and the words slipped into one ear and out the other as Thomas’ head felt like it was spinning.

“She won’t remember me.”

“An unfortunate side effect of necessary action.” He scoffed, his legs almost buckling beneath him as the doors hissed open, the trolley holding you being carted away from him, the wheels of the trolley squeaking as it moved. “I have decided, to allow you to say your goodbyes.”

It was almost like a shining beacon of hope had lit him up, and as he looked at the woman before him, he finally noticed the pile of clothes tucked under her arm neatly, and a pair of boots in her hand. She held the items out to him, a stark contrast between her steady hand and his shaking too much he could barely grasp the collection of clothes.

He could hear you now, sealed on the other side of the door at the end of the corridor, screaming about how you wished to die, how they were supposed to have killed you, and his heart broke. You were so ready to leave him, and he wasn’t ready to let go of you.

He could barely carry his own weight as he stumbled along the corridor, minutes passing before he had the nerve to open the door and see you. When he finally did, he could stop the questions that were spilling from his mouth, his head spinning as he tried to understand what you did and why. The clothes he’d brought in were left abandoned on the floor as he cupped your cheeks, wiping the wet trails of your tears away as he cried himself. 

Your answer brought him no comfort, you both knew what was happening, your fingers reaching for the clothes he’d brought in as the dark reality settled over the pair of you. His heart was heavy, feeling like his blood had been replaced with cement, hardening and filling his body with cold dread. 

You were leaving him. You were supposed to be in this together, in everything together, and yet here you were, abandoning him. He couldn't take it, and he slid the dropped pile of clothes towards you before standing to shaky feet, which carried him back and forth from one side of the room to the other. 

He searched his mind for a way to get you out of this, to change what was happening, but he knew there was no way back. Your memories were already beginning to slip away, and so instead, he decided to make the most of the last time he had with you. Kneeling beside you, he took the laces of the boots in his own hands, lacing them up for you himself and checking they were firmly on your feet. 

He wiped at his eyes with his sleeve, rolling them up to his elbows to keep them out of the way, the thin band around his wrist catching his eye, and his gaze travelled to your own. Matching charms sat on your wrist, the black string holding the handmade metal charms on, and he quickly undid the strap on his wrist, tying it tightly around your own and taking yours from you.

He stared at the sight of a ‘T’ sitting against your skin, his hand gripping yours as fresh tears welled in his eyes. Your hand settled on his cheek, lifting his chin until his eyes meet yours, a soft smile on your face. 

“Why are you crying, Tommy?”

Your words felt like ice, stabbing at him, the breath pushed from his lungs. “What?”

“You’re crying, you doofus. What’s wrong? And where the hell are we?” He felt nauseous, bile rising in his throat and his head felt light. He was supposed to have more time, it wasn't supposed to happen this quickly, he thought he had longer with you. There was so much he needed to say, but now nothing was coming to mind, his mind felt like it was buzzing with static.

The metal door on the opposite side of the room slid up slowly, a prepacked cage with supplies revealing itself as a pair of guards stepped into the room. In a split-second decision, he tugged you to your feet, his lips meeting yours in a final kiss, your hands scrunching up the material of his shirt as you squeaked in surprise.

His feet moved on their own accord, marching the two of you towards the wall. The metal creaked when you stepped from the solid floor to the shaky metal of the cage lift. Your knees almost buckled underneath you at the unexpected change, his lips leaving yours as he finally pulled away, your face flushed and eyes sparkling when they opened to look at him. “I love you, I love you so much.”

You stepped back from him, snapping from his grasp as the bubble he’d tried to create to bring you peace popped, panic filling you as you stumbled back away from him, further into the darkness. You were mumbling, frightened and scared as he closed the box door on you, his heart barely beating anymore as he stepped away from you.

He could still hear your pleas in his ears for months afterwards every night when he closed his eyes. You haunted him, the only thing bringing him comfort was being able to watch your progress after you had arrived. 

He saw you greet the girls there on your ‘first day’, unknowingly befriending Sonya, once again meeting your best friend. He watched you flourish, change, and rebuild yourself stronger. He watched you break the rules, dashing into the maze to find a girl who had been lost, and he watched you find her and bring her home the next day, before becoming a runner. He watched you comfort a young girl, perhaps only eleven, who had been sent up, as you progressively became more and more like a big sister to her. 

He also watched as she broke her arm, getting sicker and sicker because of the infection it caused, and he watched as you mourned for her when she passed. He watched you fight to help the other girls, more determined, running longer routes in your maze and working harder.

And then, he watched you die, that day, his heart stopped beating entirely.

He went off the rails, he stormed through the corridors, throwing your belongings around the storage room as tears streamed down his face, boxes tipped out on the floors as he screamed his throat raw. It wasn’t until he collapsed on the cold concrete of the darkened room that he gave up. His hands had rubbed at his cheek so much that dust was smeared across his cheeks, things you had once owned were scattered around him, the smell of you hanging in the air and it was like a punch in the gut because he hadn’t realised he missed this much until now. 

Kicking out his leg to lay flat on the floor, the box that had been stood in front of him crumpled at the impact, a worn leather notebook flopping to the floor loudly and creating a small dust cloud around it. Reaching out, he picked it up with trembling fingers, tips smoothing over the front, opening it carefully.

Your handwriting seemed almost foreign to him now, but it also felt like home, and his eyes scanned over it. It was the same notebook you had been writing in the last day he’d seen you, before sneaking off to the lab. Flicking through the pages, it was full with scribbles and research, the research he had never seen recorded that seemed on the verge of a cure, and full of notes and locations on how to combat the virus. 

It was an entirely new approach that he’d never seen. Halfway through, red smears across the tops of pages began to show up more frequently, and after reading your notes, he realised you had been testing on finding a cure with your own blood, finger pricks for samples leaving the pages marred.

Tugging the box towards him, he found envelopes and boxes packed, locations and secured files that had been thrown away with the rest of your possessions. Letters exchanged between you and outsiders, notes and theories, and finally it all clicked.

You’d been exposing information, trying to find a way to save not only your friends, but for him and all other kids that WCKD may take. You’d been working alone to save them all, and when you’d asked him for help he’d ignored you. Stuffing the book back into the box, he picked it up, using the hem of his shirt to wipe his face and sort himself out. 

His heart was finally beating again, wildly and irrationally against his ribs as he checked the box out of storage, wild lies falling from him as he darted away down the corridor before security could check his story again. He didn’t listen to you when you were with him, but he would listen to you now.

When he jolted awake, the sunlight burned at his eyes slightly and he squeezed them shut, but the movements he’d made caused surface beneath him to shift, fingers brushing the hair on his forehead out of his eyes slightly. Cracking them open again, he squinted, looking up at the face peering down at him, surrounded by dark curls flowing around her face. 

“Hey, you okay?”

It was calm for a moment, before it all came flooding back to him, the pain, the death, the anguish of the night before. Shooting up, he sucked a desperate breath into his lungs, and another, his mind having gone from clear and calm to spinning and frenzied in a matter of seconds. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Chuck wanted to smack him, Thomas could tell from the way the boys hand twitched by his side and he didn’t blame him, to be fair. What did confuse him, was why he was back in the slammer, Newt and Minho peering down at him from either side of the younger boy.

“Mate, you were screaming blue murder for a while, calling out for someone, then Gally hauled you off here when we wouldn’t tell him about your dream girl. He’s taken control. Said we had a choice, either join him or get banished at sundown with you.” Thomas resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the ridiculous prospect, and instead chose to turn himself around to face the other boys better, sitting up slightly on a jagged bit of rock.

“The others agreed to that?”

“Gally has everyone convinced that you’re the reason all of this has happened.” He couldn’t deny that, merely nodding in agreement as they spoke to him. Technically, he was. He had remembered exactly what he’d done, not just to everyone here, but to his friends, and to you. 

“He’s been right, so far.”

“What are you talking about?” He had expected Minho to suffix the sentence with some form of glade slang, perhaps a ‘shuck-face’, but it never came.

“This place. It isn’t what we thought it was. It’s not a prison, it’s a test.” Nobody said anything, but they didn’t need to, he could tell in the way they looked at him that they believed him. “It all started when we were kids, they’d give us these challenges, they were experimenting on us, then people started disappearing, every month, one after the other like clockwork.”

“Sending them up into the maze?” Newt said it like a question, but the unsurprised look on his features told Thomas he already knew the answer, deep down, even if he didn’t quite want to admit it.

“Yeah, but not all of us.”

“What d’you mean?”

“Guys, I’m one of them. The people who put you here, I worked with them. I watched you. For years. The entire time you’ve been here, I was on the other side of it.” His gaze finally left the boys, who had turned away from him now, all three contemplating the new information as Teresa continued to look at him, their eyes meeting now. “So were you.”

“What?”

“I-I didn’t realise until.. she said something. The girl, she stopped it. She fought so hard to get us to understand, and they sent her up here.” Newt’s harsh gaze softened as Thomas dropped his head, sighed roughly as the final images he had of you, and the memories of his own torment started coming back to him “They sent her up here to be punished, and when she started solving her own maze instead, she.. they..”

“They killed her.” He whispered the words, and Thomas let his watery gaze rise to Newt’s a single, solemn nod of the head enough to signify that he was right. Thomas’ heart was aching in his chest, barely beating as he remembered the agony he had gone through when losing you from his arms, and the fresh agony he had gone through when losing you from his life.

“They killed her. She said I would understand one day, but it was too late.”

“She’s dead?” Teresa didn’t hide her emotions the same way Thomas did, hot tears running down her cheeks slowly at the thought. The girl she had been remembering, the only friend she had arrived here with, and she was gone. “Why would they send us up, if we were with them?”

“It doesn’t matter. Any of it. Because the people we were before the maze don’t even exist anymore, these creators took care of that.” The words had a hidden meaning, and Thomas knew they were aimed at him. Some of the people themselves, don’t exist anymore. “What does matter, is who we are right now, and what we do, right now. You went into the maze and found a way out.”

“And if I hadn’t, Alby would still be alive.”

“Maybe.” Newt glanced down, the loss of his friend still weighing heavily on his soul, and Thomas knew exactly how that felt. “I know if he were here, he’d be telling you the exact same thing. Pick your arse up and finish what you started, because if we do nothing then Alby died for nothing, and I can't have that.”

“Okay, but we have to get through Gally first.”

The ground of the maze was still warm underfoot when it began to open it, the distinction between the hot and cold startling once the slimy and narrow corridors, with vines and wildlife growing between them, to the barren and clear open areas of the outer sections. The group was tired, beginning to grow slower as they ran, but Thomas could see his destination ahead when he squinted, they were so close.

The more they drew in on it, however, the more his trained ears began to pick up the subtle movements near the rock at the end. Gathering the group at the wall, he could hear their exhaustion, panting and wheezing filling his ears, and his own blood was racing in his veins from the exercise. Peering around the corner, his suspicions were confirmed. The amalgamation of flesh and metal was crawling around the end of the tunnel, effectively guarding the entrance against them as he turned back, to find every set of eyes already looking at him cautiously.

Only Chuck, actually voiced the question they were all thinking; “Is it a griever?” With only a nod for a reply, the kid cursed under his breath at the affirmation, and Thomas thought over all of their possible actions to take, and the consequences they would have, his mind running a mile a minute to find a solution.

Minho handed over the tracking key to Chuck, assigning it to him as he came to the conclusion that Thomas was trying to avoid. Realising their only option was to fight, he swallowed thickly, before announcing his plan to them all. The group charged forwards, legs carrying them rapidly as screams left their lips, weapons held out before them. 

Leading at the front, the tip of the wooden spear he held burying into the slimy flesh of the creature, followed by two or three other boys as it screeched in pain, the group pushing it towards the edge of the stone bridge as it resisted. The sound of cracking stone, metal appendages scraping against it could be heard, more crawling up the walls towards them.

“Watch the tail!” Minho screamed as it whipped around, the claws on the end grasping at air as the group ducked from it. The metal claws at the end finally grasped onto the boy, hands flying forward to pull him back but it was too late, he was rolling across the stone as it threw him, falling over the edge as his screams faded out. The group paused, watching at the spot the boy had been seconds prior and the creature took the opportunity, sharp foot slamming down and breaking the stone around their feet, splinters and cracks running along the solid ground.

 Its claws ripped marks into the ground as they finally got the upper hand over the beast, it’s body sliding inch by inch over the edge of the stone, and with one final shove, it fell, unable to hold itself up any longer as it disappeared from sight and into the black abyss. They had barely gotten rid of that one, as two more, one from either side of the passageway crawled up, their presence alerted to Thomas as the frantic cries of his name from Chuck rang in his ears. 

The small boy ran past him as the creatures advanced, Teresa following him, the key clutched in his hand as he approached the solid stone wall. The device clicked in his hand, the rock door slowly sliding upwards as it identified it’s signal. The group was being cornered, backed into the patch like it was a feeding pen, herded to the kill as they were picked off by the two, working in a team to weaken the wall the boys had all built. 

Teresa was shouting to him, but he could barely hear over the screams and roars of the threat in front of him, her jumbled words echoing in his head, something about needing numbers, his mind already clouded before finally - for a second - it cleared. “Minho! What’s the sequence?”

It took him a moment to understand what Thomas was talking about, but when he did, he began to shout the numbers over his shoulder, still fighting the grievers which were attacking. He was barely four numbers in when Newt screamed out to alert everybody, his head tilted up to the sky and Thomas wished he hadn’t looked, but descending rapidly from above was another griever, claws chipping at the rock as it slid it’s way down, body landing directly on top of Minho. 

The boy squirmed beneath it, trying to avoid snarling jaws that were snapping and growling at him, and Jeff bolted forwards, ramming the pointed end of his spear into the creatures head, with such force it went through cleanly and put under its jaw, almost into Minho’s stomach as he did. The wounded one backed off, only to be replaced seconds later by another, it’s jaws closing around his torso and dagging him backwards, away from the group. 

Thomas could see now, more and more were crawling around the walls, like an infestation, and as Minho listed off the last numbers, they began to lose the last of their weapons. More and more were piling in, the sounds of snarling and growling becoming too loud to hear, everybody’s voices beginning to drown out as they backed up, crowded into the tunnel. The light, ominous and red flashed to green, and for a second, silence took over everyone and everything. 

The stone of the walls was loud as it suddenly released, rusty gears grinding at high speeds as they began to come down, crushing and trapping the monsters that were chasing them. They each made to run forward, towards the group, to continue their attack, frenzied, like caged animals. Launching his spear, it knocked back the one closest to him, giving the weighted door above it enough time to drop down and crush it. 

As the sounds of predators finally fell away, wet slopping filled his ears as blood, guts and slime spilt across the stone at them, and he recoiled, the last to crawl into the tube as it sealed up, cutting the light off entirely. They were alone, the space around them so dark that Thomas couldn’t even see his own hand in front of his face, before the wall to the side of them hissed, a hatch sliding open carefully. 

As they all took cautious steps out, bright lights began to flicker along the corridor on either side of them, seemingly stretching on for a long time as the darkness continued to be illuminated, until Thomas couldn’t actually see the end. He twisted his head, to find the group already looking at him, wide-eyed and nervous, and he swallowed thickly, realising he was going to have to make this decision, too.

Choosing a direction, he had barely taken his first steps when they were crowding around him again, following him like a pack of sheep as he guided them. Eventually, they found another door, the green light above it signalling it to be open and as he twisted the handle, the dull sound of alarms ringing rang out into the hallway from within the room.

The further open the door got, the more they could see, bodies exposed to them, laying across the floor. The further they ventured, the more the wreckage could be seen, broken glass, split blood, bodies and mangled belongings were scattered across the space, furniture was tipped upside down as wires hung from the ceiling, electricity still crackling and sparking occasionally. 

Computers around them glitched and hummed, their screens still showing whatever their latest project had been, and Newt confirmed they had been being watching, his voice ringing out clearly as he looked at all the monitors, showing different views of the Glade. He recognised that view, not from this room specifically, but Thomas recognised the monitors, displaying all areas of the glade and flicking between the maze. He recognised it, because it was the same layout used when your death had been broadcasted to him, his heart breaking at the sight, and the cracks splintering now as the wound came back to the surface. 

The desk he settled at felt far too familiar, a pang of uneasy guilt settling like rocks in his stomach as he glanced up through the glass panels, almost expecting to see your face on the other side, but instead, he was met with the sight of bodies littering a demolished workspace. A button on the screen flashed between grey and red, and with a shaky finger, he reached out to press it, the tip of his finger barely brushing it before a video was playing on the other side of the room. 

They had all slowly gathered around the monitor, watching the horrors that flicked up, the words spoken by the woman on screen, and it almost seemed understandable, all that they had been through. In the background, the massacre that had taken place here began to play out, and Thomas struggled to place why this woman seemed so familiar, why just her voice and the look on her face was making him unsettled. 

As she raised a gun to her temple, his head snapped away from the video, eyes squeezed shut and jaw clenching and her last words rang in his head. 

“WCKD is good.”

Now, he knew. He knew exactly who she was, she was the one that dragged you from his arms, that killed you before his eyes. She was the woman who had plagued his mind so badly with that very notion that you had practically given your life to save him and your friends because he couldn't see the hidden evil yet. 

He owed you his life, as did everyone in that room, and she was the reason he would never get to thank you, or hold you, or see you smile, just like he had in his dreams. 

Bay doors across the room slid open, a light at the end of the tunnel seeping in from a cracked door, and Newt’s hand landed on his shoulder. “Well, what are we supposed to do now?”

“I don’t know.” The words he had been wanting to say ever since he had been thrust into this leadership position finally fell from his lips, and it was like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. “Let’s just get out of here.”

“No.” The voice was familiar, and before them, stood Gally. He was soaked in dirt, sweat and blood, a gun clutched in his shaky hand as he looked at them, and before he could help him, he was informed that the boy had been stung. He’d missed it at first glance, but now he could see. The dark, bloodshot eyes, pulsing veins crawling along his skin. “We can’t leave.”

He shook his head, taking a ragged inhale and anyone could see the anger built inside the boy, his muscles clenched, posture stiff and Thomas stepped forward, hands raised carefully as he looked at the crazed boy. “We did, Gally, We’re out. We’re free.”

“Free?” Raising his hands, he motioned to the bodies laying around them, all lifeless and cold. “You think we’re free out there?” His finger was sitting over the trigger, gun waved around carelessly as he spoke before it was pointed at Thomas, finger on the trigger twitching unevenly. “No. No, there’s no escape from this place.”

“Gally, listen to me. You’re not thinking straight.” He took another tentative step forward, pushing the thought of you from his mind as he tried to reason with his friend. “We can help you if you just put down the gun.”

“I belong to the maze.”

Chuck tackled Thomas from the side as Minho launched his spear across the room, the weapon burying into Gally’s chest and he heaved, his lung punctured and no longer letting him take in air as blood began to filter through into his top, and he collapsed to the ground. The gun clattered against the ground, and relief flooded his system, until Chuck’s clammy little hands grasped at his arm, yanking on it harshly as the boy tumbled to the ground himself. 

Blood was pouring rapidly from the bullet embedded in his chest, and as he fell, Thomas tried to catch him, cupping his head as he lay him down on the floor. His hands were trembling so badly he could barely make a fist, but he pushed down on the wound, trying his best to put pressure on it. blood was seeping between his fingers too fast to contain, thick and hot, running along his flesh and dripping to the floor as Chuck coughed and spluttered under his grasp.

The boy’s hand grasped his upper arm weakly, his other hand barely holding the wooden carving he had been making as he lifted it from his pocket, holding it up to Thomas’ face and his hands closed around the boys, holding them tightly as he shook his head. “No, no, Chuck. You’re going to give it to them yourself, remember?” Thomas’ voice was hoarse and light, throat stinging as he suppressed the tears he wanted to release, the sobs he was pushing down as the kid’s life slipped away between his fingers, nothing he could do to stop it. 

“I saw her once. A few times, in my dreams.” 

“W-What? You saw her?” Thomas’ eyes directed up to meet Chucks, instead of looking at the wound, a hand coming up to run over the boy’s hair comfortingly as Thomas finally accepted the fate he had.

“I thought I had made her up until I heard you talking about her. She was nice, she looked after me. I missed her when I was alone at night. I missed her more than my parents.” Thomas finally let his tears flow, and he held the boy tightly, trying to reassure him it was okay, make him feel safe and loved in his last moments. That trembling hand clutching the bloody wood rose up to his face once again. “ Here, take it.”

Plucking the wood from his fingers, Thomas tucked it into his pocket safely, patting over the patch to show Chuck, a sad smile forming on his lips as the boy lay back, reassured. “Okay, Chuck. I got it, nice and safe.”

“Thank you.” His gaze pulled away from Thomas’, finding solace in the lights above his head, his features easing as everything around the boy began to slip into darkness. “Thank you.”

Thomas gripped at his shoulders, shaking him as he finally went still and silent. The taste of salt form his tears was in his mouth, his cheeks stinging and he could barely process the light flooding the room. He crawled over Chuck’s body, shaking him, hands gripping at his shoulder as he sobbed, screaming for the boy to return to them.

A set of hands on either side of him hooked under his arms, pulling him away from Chuck, dragging him into the light and he fought, he fought to get back to Chuck, but Thomas was tired. He was tired of fighting, and he was tired of losing people. His body fell slack in the strangers’ arms as they dragged him along, his boots scraping against the cement before being exchanged for rough sands. 

Looking around himself, he could barely see, heat washing over his body, more than he had ever felt as he heated up, the sun scorching him and the light burning his eyes. Twisting in the grip on him, he fell free and into the sand, stumbling in his feet as the men helped him up. He was thrown to safety, his body tumbling into a vehicle as the door was slammed shut, one of the guards climbing in with them all as the others remained outside, guns cocked carefully as they surveyed the environment.

The ground beneath them seemed to fall away as the vehicle swayed, tilting to its side as it turned and it took a moment before Thomas realised they were flying. High up in the air, as they cleared the walls of the maze, rising above it so high they could see for miles, all the way to the Glade in the centre, and the maze beyond it on the other side, too. 

He fella way, letting others lean over him to get a look out of the window at the sight and his eyes fell down to his hands, the clean white wood of the figure he held now marred with dirt and blood. Poking out from beneath the gloves on his hand, was the charm, the first initial of a name he had yet to remember coated in grime, and he rubbed it as clean as he could get it with the pad of his thumb.

His head fell back against the metal behind his head, his eyes stinging from crying but there were no more tears to come. There was only anger, now. Anger at the people who took you from him, who took his memories, his life, his friends. Broken buildings came into view as they swung side to side to weave between them, but the twisting in his stomach wasn’t nausea or guilt. This time, it was pure, unadulterated rage.

And Thomas was determined to do something about it.