#it's like azi is trying to convince himself

[greeneyed-thestral]

Well, it must be bad.

[speckledsnowbeast]

Corviknight Crowley x Shiny Togekiss Aziraphale

So like most of my drawings, I have a whooooole headcannon story to go with these two, I...am not so good at the actua writing bit. So here! Major plot points! (And if you ever wanna write something for them, please do. Tag me so I can see!)

-crowley use to be a part of a biiig gang of pokemon who lived in the city, stealing and breaking human things, and just making nuances of themselves. He didn't care for it, but didn't leave cause he had nothing else. Until he found Aziraphale.

- Aziraphale was part of a research center, where he and other togepi were being raised for study. He was the head researchers' favorite since wlhe was so helpful and sweet, much to the others distain, especially Sandy and Gabriel.

-Azi gets tricked one day to leave the center, the other togepi convincing him that he hadn't done anything impressive and should go out and prove himself to the head researcher, like a real pokemon (he'd never battled before this)

-Azi of course gets lost in the big park next door, only to be found by Crowley... and the very territorial houndem he was trying to steal from. Escape shenanigans ensue, but crowley never leaves Azi's side.

-they make it out, have some stolen fries, and become friends. Partners. An "us".

-Azi never ends up going back to the facility, even after Crowley takes him there, instead perfering to stay with the rookidee.

-they grow side by side: Crowley evolving into corvisquire to protect Aziraphale from being captured and taken away, Azi evolving when Crowley chooses to stay with him when he finds a home at a library.

I'm still wondering how their final evolutions happen, but for now it's up for interpretation ~

[tsilvy]

something about those little moments in s2ep3 with crowley alone in the bookshop while aziraphale is in scotland. I watched them all as a single sequence and it's just... SO MUCH.

look. the fact that crowley is cool as a cucumber when aziraphale is around, but when he isn't... well. there's the deep, deep breath he takes while he watches azi drive away, and i can't tell if he's more scared of being alone with gabriel or worried about azi going away alone. because as someone pointed out, aziraphale gets the car keys right after muriel arrives, and obviously it's safer for him to take the bentley which will hopefully keep him safe as it usually keeps crowley safe; but at the same time, crowley has to give up what's basically an extension of him, the one protection he has ready, to shield himself or to run away with, should anything happen while the guardian of the eastern gate aziraphale isn't there.

and then crowley is alone, without aziraphale, without his comfort car, stranded in his favorite place which has ceased being safe and has become instead somewhat inhospitable because his mortal enemy now lives here too. and the way he's wearing no jacket, no waistcoat, and he's just so thin, and snake-like, especially standing there near gabriel, who is built like a tank and you just know that if he's right, if by any chance gabriel became hostile, even in a non-magic fight crowley wouldn't stand a chance.

and yet, AND YET, he's quietly explaining gravity to him, then trying (and failing) to make Maggie and Nina vavoom and also explaining THAT to jim (azi didn't stop to hear his very romantic plan so at least maybe does jim? Can I hear a fucking wahoo?!), and you can't help but feel how badly he needs to talk to someone, anyone nonhuman around who isn't immediately outright hostile, without censoring himself, without complicated feelings in between.

and then, the exact moment later, the temporary peace is broken by gabriel himself remembering something ominous and ONE MOMENT LATER YET shax is outside, complete with background screaming chorus, and then crowley is desperately trying to convince her they don't know where the archangel is, still playing cool but swallowing like that, and then she says Hell will declare war and he's just thrown for a moment and says "to me?!" in THAT voice! but it's even worse than that, because they'll actually declare war not on him but on his friend, and he could maybe cope with hell wanting his scalp (again) but Aziraphale's?! And then STILL keeping that facade and telling her that anyway the angel is inside in the basement, because he knows that Aziraphale is safe while he's inside the bookshop, and therefore trying to keep her off Aziraphale's back while he's outside and alone? Which btw doesn't work because she somehow knows anyway and proceeds on harassing the angel in the bentley the very next time we see him?! AND at the same time he's trying to keep her from realizing he is all alone, here, in the bookshop?!?

And he's been flippant throughout, but the moment she leaves he's like, wreaked?! And his first instinct is of course to go back at being mad and threatening at Jim, but even that feels pointless, because the machine is already in motion, and it's always too late, it's "we're doomed" all over again, isn't it? and the fact that he's shaking all over as he comes to this conclusion?

and then we learn that he hasn't slept all night after this, and as soon as Aziraphale is finally back he's immediately out as if he'd been looking out the window all night waiting for him to be back home safe, and for his car to be available for him to finally feel safe into, and i've seen people wonder why he bolts the fuck out of there as soon as azi is back as if he didn't need a breather after all he's been through, AND THE FACT THAT LATER ON HE TELLS AZIRAPHALE CaN I WaTcH AS IF HE'S AT ALL INTERESTED IN HIM RUNNING ERRANDS ACROSS ALL OF SOHO AND NOT IN FACT UNABLE TO LEAVE AZIRAPHALE'S SIDE NOW THAT HE'S FINALLY BACK AFTER A FULL DAY AWAY DURING WHICH HELL IS APPARENTLY ABOUT TO DECLARE WAR TO HIM SPECIFICALLY WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK

anyway what i want to say is this sequence is the epitome of anxiety and claustrophoby for me, and it plays like a horror movie. It's just A Lot

[laughhardrunfastbekindsblog]

Protector

Summary: Peace came at a cost. It was easier to ignore the pain when there was chaos and tribulation to navigate. Peace meant confronting the pain. Peace meant confronting the failures. And oh, how badly he had failed. POV: Hunter Rating: PG Word Count: 6,366

Read on Ao3

Notes: This work includes a scene involving a character suffering a panic attack. Be prepared for angst/grief/mourning with a happy ending.

                I.

                Hunter, trekking up the path leading to Upper Pabu, heard the faint wheezing noise near him begin to increase sharply in volume, and stopped to look at Wrecker. Hunter had been keeping what he’d thought was a slow and steady pace to accommodate his brother. Apparently, it wasn’t slow enough.

               Wrecker, seeing Hunter staring at him, stopped as well and quickly replaced his exhausted expression with a wide smile. “I’m alright, Hunter,” he said, though the heaving of his chest and the fact that he was so winded he barely had enough breath to speak proved his statement to be false. “You go on ahead. I’ll catch up.”

               Hunter fixed him with a stern, almost scolding glare. “Nope. Hand it over.”

               “I can handle it!” Wrecker protested; but Hunter would not be swayed.

               “It’s only been a week since AZI declared your chest wound fully healed. It’s going to take a lot longer for you to rebuild your stamina” – if you ever fully recover it, Hunter thought to himself, though he would never say this out loud. “Either give me the supplies to carry and we’ll walk together, or wait here until I get back with a cart to carry the supplies and you.”

               “Aww,” Wrecker complained; but he passed the large crate of supplies over to his brother’s open arms and obligingly waited until Hunter had decided his breathing had steadied enough to try walking some more.

               Hunter slowed his pace to a near crawl, and it worked: Wrecker made it to Shep’s home without wheezing again, though Hunter insisted they sit and rest for several minutes after delivering the supplies before heading home. Walking downhill was easier, of course, but Wrecker would become too eager if Hunter allowed them to speed up at all; and so it took them twenty minutes to make a trip that, prior to Tantiss, would have only taken five.  

               Crosshair was home, lounging in his usual chair in the front room, and greeted them with one raised eyebrow when they entered the cabin. “What took you so long?”

               “Hunter wanted to go slower.”

               Crosshair’s second eyebrow rose to meet the first. “Guess it worked, you can actually talk right now. Lately you've had to take ten minutes to catch your breath after making trips like that.”

               “Gah. Don’t encourage him,” Wrecker scowled as he plopped onto the couch.

               Hunter just shrugged. The months when he had become increasingly desperate in his efforts to find Omega, months when Wrecker had to hold him back from becoming too reckless, were all too recent and still painfully fresh in his memory. He hadn’t meant to put Wrecker in undue peril, of course; but he, Hunter, had insisted on repeatedly wading into danger himself and Wrecker, rarely able to convince him to exercise more caution, had waded right in with him.

               Hunter was never going to fail Wrecker like that again. Especially not after so many events that reminded them of their own mortality, events that left them scarred and unsettled even now that the danger had passed.

               “Where’s Omega?” Hunter asked now, looking at Crosshair.

               “She…”

               At that moment, Omega burst through the door, grinning. “Guess what? Lyana showed us how to harvest moon pears, and the boys and I had a competition to see who could pick the most fruit, and I won.”

               “Of course you did,” Crosshair remarked.

               “Moon pears – aren’t those the ones that grow on those tall trees?” Hunter asked.

               “Yep, but we don't pick the ones that grow very high because the sun shrivels them up. The trick is to get into the densest areas of the lower branches.” Hunter gave a small sigh of relief which Omega didn't notice as she continued, “Stak kept saying he’d be the better climber, but I proved him wrong.” And she laughed a little, still flushed with her success. 

               Hunter smiled back at her, pushing down the sharp spike of anxiety he felt every time Omega went off to do something that took her out of his sight, every time Wrecker or Crosshair talked about their day and the work they had done, work Hunter knew could easily leave them injured or worse if anything ever went wrong…

               He knew this anxiety was probably irrational, knew his siblings were always as careful as they could be. And he didn’t want them to be held back from finding a new purpose and place for themselves because of his irrational fears. So he kept pushing his own feelings aside, and he kept quiet about his near-constant worries.

               For so long Hunter had dared to hope for eventually finding peace and security – peace for Omega, peace for his brothers, even peace for himself.

               Now, they were finally at peace.

               At least, what was supposed to be peace.

               The ugly truth was that they had been through far too much adversity for peace to come easily to them. Hunter could see that now, see it all too clearly as he tried to help those under his care grapple with the aftermath of the horrors they had faced. Nights spent holding Omega while she recovered from a nightmare; consoling Crosshair when he couldn’t quite hide how much his right hand, now no more than a phantom, was still bothering him; convincing Wrecker to take a break and allow himself adequate time to heal, not only physically but emotionally as well…

               Peace came at a cost. It was easier to ignore the pain when there was chaos and tribulation to navigate. Peace meant confronting the pain. Peace meant confronting the failures.

               And oh, how badly he had failed.

               He had gotten so angry at Crosshair’s cutting remarks on Barton IV. It had taken being chased by an ice worm before he could finally admit to himself that he wasn’t angry at Crosshair because the accusations were unfounded, but because his brother was right: Hunter had failed, it was his fault that Omega had suffered so much, his fault that any of them had suffered as they had.

                He clearly remembered the moment when he had rebuked Crosshair on Kamino, telling him that a real leader protects his squad. Hunter was their older brother, their leader. But he hadn’t been able to protect them, any of them. He had tried so many times to back up Echo, only for Echo to be the one who had to save Hunter and the rest of them. Omega still woke up sobbing in the night, beset by nightmares of captivity on Tantiss because he, Hunter, hadn’t been fast enough, strong enough, capable enough to stop Hemlock from taking her. Hunter had experienced only a few hours of Hemlock’s torture and had found himself coming alarmingly close to wishing for the release of death; Crosshair had suffered that torture and more for months, not only because Hunter wasn’t skilled or smart enough to find Tantiss earlier, but also because Hunter had failed to convince his brother that he still had a place with the squad, that he didn’t need the Empire. Wrecker had spent months trying to save Hunter from himself and had taken on responsibilities and burdens he would never have had to bear if Hunter had been able to pull himself together and lead when he was needed most. And Tech…

               No. He couldn’t let himself think about his worst, irreparable failure. He couldn’t let himself think about Tech.

               “Hunter?” Crosshair’s voice cut through his dark musings. “You good?”

               He had to make up for his failures. He had to keep them safe, give them the support they needed to heal. And that included not giving them anything else to worry over.

               “I’m good,” he said, swallowing down the familiar bitter, burning, prickling sensation that clawed at his throat every time Tech crossed his mind, masking it with a smile. “Now, let’s figure out dinner.”

                He would protect his family, as he was supposed to do. He would not fail them again. 

                And with this resolve, he could almost ignore his own pain, almost ignore the regrets and self-doubt that still lingered. 

*****

               II.

               Hunter leaned back in his seat at the dining table, comfortably full from the dinner Wrecker had prepared. Wrecker, who had shown interest in cooking ever since they first came to Pabu and proved to have appreciable talent for it, was now growing enthusiastic about baking as well. Word had spread that Wrecker was looking for new recipes and cooking tips, and several of the residents had obliged, such that tonight’s meal had involved a rather exotic dish originating from Mon Cala that was unlike anything Hunter had eaten before but was quite tasty. 

               Hunter idly watched as Wrecker now worked in the kitchen to finish making a dessert called blossom cake. Omega, interested in the proceedings, had volunteered to help prep ingredients, while Crosshair was sitting in the doorway to the backyard, keeping Batcher entertained with a ball.

               Hunter smiled to himself. It had been an ideal day, Omega had slept soundly through the night for over a week, Wrecker had paced himself (for a change) while finishing chores today and hadn't lost his breath once…

               Something was wrong. Something was desperately wrong. What could it be? It wasn't his enhanced senses warning him of danger, it was something else, something unfamiliar… Hunter froze, frowning in concentration as he tried to pinpoint the source of his disquiet. Omega, Wrecker, Crosshair – all were here and accounted for… Batcher was good and the moon-yos scampering around the yard were calm, it couldn’t be another sea surge on the way and he could sense there was no incoming storm… He had just checked in on the Force sensitive kids and the cadets a few hours ago and everything had been normal…

               Growing increasingly uneasy, his thoughts looped back around to his family. Was Omega in danger?... No, no, she was right there with Wrecker, chatting happily as she helped him dice fruit. Crosshair was patting Batcher, almost smiling. They were fine. They were all fine.

               So why was he feeling this growing sense of impending doom?

               He didn’t want to alarm them. He needed to figure out what was wrong before alerting them. So he quietly got up and crossed the front room to step into his bedroom, barely managing to close the door before a wave of dizziness and accompanying nausea prompted him to sit immediately on the floor rather than trying to make it to his bed.

               He could hear his own heartbeat thundering in his ears, almost deafening to him given his enhanced senses; but what was more concerning was how fast it was pounding – his heart was racing far out of his control, far faster than it had ever beat even in the mad adrenaline rush of battle, and his chest was constricting painfully as if in an effort to keep the organ from beating right out of his body. His vision narrowed, tunneled, and he closed his eyes in a vain effort to regain some semblance of control; his breathing was unsteady, erratic, shallow; and all the while the illogical fear of some unknown, likely nonexistent danger was growing, growing beyond anything he could contain.

               What was happening to him?

               The faint edges of a nearly forgotten memory prodded the corners of his anxious mind… Hadn’t Echo experienced something like this before? A few months after joining the squad… Yes, what had Tech called it? A panic attack? That was it, Tech had…

               No. Stop. He couldn’t think of… him. Just thinking of that name had squeezed his chest so tight he couldn’t get a breath in at all, feeling like he was drowning on dry land, making the fear and distress even worse…

               But he couldn’t not think of… him… either, the floodgates had opened and the memories were flowing as the survival-oriented part of his brain insisted on trying to recall the details of that distant memory with Echo… Tech rolling his eyes at his brothers, most often at Wrecker… Tech’s eyes widening in awe when he saw something new that interested him… Tech’s distinct, exultant tones when proposing a crazy battle plan, his calm confidence when countering a mild reprimand from an exasperated Hunter… The quiet, almost imperceptible resigned sigh coming through the comms before the sound of a blaster shot biting through metal and Wrecker’s devastated guttural “NO” drowned out everything else… Tech kneeling in front of a distraught Echo huddled on the icy ground in the cave, Hunter gripping Echo’s shoulder while Tech steadily and calmly instructed Echo to slowly breathe in, breathe out, focus on my voice, breathe in, breathe out, focus on my voice…

               Hunter, his mind desperately latching onto this recollection, breathed in, breathed out, focused on the memory of Tech’s voice.

               Hunter had always known he could trust all his brothers, depend on them to do their part for the good of the squad; but it was only after Tech was gone that Hunter had realized, really truly recognized, just how heavily he had relied on Tech in particular for… everything. Knowledge (even if it was often more knowledge than was strictly necessary), skills, strategy, second opinions: when Hunter didn’t know what to do, Tech did – like now, when a mere ghost of a memory of Tech was assisting Hunter through this terror called a panic attack. For all that Tech’s ideas so often alarmed Hunter, Tech had always been his rock – solid, dependable, loyal, always there.

               Until he wasn’t.

               And he never would be again. All because Hunter had failed to protect him.

               Hunter’s breathing had finally eased, his heart rate had returned to normal, his vision had cleared, the fear and panic were dissipating; and he swallowed down the familiar bitter, burning, prickling sensation clawing at his throat just as a knock sounded on his door.

               “Hunter? Are you okay?” Omega’s voice tentatively called out. “The cake’s ready!”

               He might not be able to make up for his failures with Tech, but he could still help the family he had left. Everything was fine, he was fine. There was no need to give them anything else to worry over.

               “Yep, I’m okay,” he called back as he got to his feet, taking one last steadying breath before opening his door and grinning. “It smells great!”

                He would protect his family, as he was supposed to do. He would not fail them again. 

                And as he silently repeated this resolve like a mantra, he could almost ignore his own pain, almost ignore the regrets and self-doubt that still lingered.

*****

                III.

               Hunter leaned against the counter, sipping his cup of caf, and waved goodbye to Wrecker and Omega.

               Omega was ecstatic: one of their neighbors, Ray, had offered to teach Omega and some of the other kids how to “water glide,” and today would be their first lesson.

               Hunter had had his reservations in agreeing to this. He didn’t want to hold Omega back, of course, but there were limits, and an activity involving sitting in a flotation device attached to the back of a boat and getting pulled at high speeds across the open water just about crossed that limit. But then Wrecker had enthusiastically said he wanted to go too, just to watch; and Hunter, knowing Ray to be the kind of person who wouldn’t make such an offer if the activity wasn’t reasonably safe, and with Shep also reassuring him that Lyana had done it several times with no injury, had capitulated.

               Given that he had had a horrible dream last night involving him, Hunter, making a critical mistake that left him incapacitated before being forced to watch as Crosshair, Wrecker, Echo, and Omega died one by one, it was taking every ounce of self-control for him to let his brother and sister walk out of the house at all. But there was no need for them to know how anxious he was at the moment. He would occasionally admit to having a nightmare, mostly to reassure his siblings that they weren’t alone in having bad dreams; but he would never tell them specifics - he wasn’t going to give them any more reasons to worry, much less about him. And so, in a herculean effort to not reveal to them how worried he was, he said nothing.

               “Don’t forget, meet me at Jena’s at noon,” Wrecker called back over his shoulder. “She’s gonna show us how to bake moon pear pie.”

               Hunter nodded absently as the door closed behind his two siblings, his thoughts now blessedly turned to other topics besides bad dreams. Wrecker seemed to be on a mission to get his oldest brother to try every new hobby imaginable; and while Hunter would never have attempted any of these activities if left to his own devices, well… if Wrecker wanted him to try new things, he would be supportive and go along with it. So far, Hunter couldn’t say he particularly enjoyed baking, though painting had been surprisingly relaxing even if he was absolutely no good at it (Crosshair had yet to stop teasing him over the fact that his painting of what was supposed to be a sunset looked more like a melted ice cone), and he had to confess he was definitely interested in learning how to play the quadjitar their neighbor Mylo had recently shown them.

               “I’m going to the Archium,” Crosshair abruptly announced as he exited his room, walking toward the kitchen.

               Hunter nodded again. He knew Crosshair, having gone for the first time just a month or two ago to visit the impromptu memorial Omega had set up for Tech in the Archium, had since made it almost a daily routine to go there, often with Wrecker or Omega. But it struck Hunter as rather odd that Crosshair was announcing his plans, he never had before…

               “You’re coming with me.”

               Hunter blinked at his youngest brother over the rim of his caf cup. “Come again?”

               “I’m going to the Archium, and you’re coming with me,” Crosshair repeated.

               Hunter had never visited the memorial. Truth be told, he had been relieved when Omega had asked to take Tech’s broken goggles off the Marauder for safekeeping in the Archium. He had kept the goggles out in the open on the console only because Wrecker and Omega had seemed to want them there, and had usually been able to ignore them himself, but having them completely out of sight had been even better.

               He had a hard enough time just hearing Tech’s name mentioned. The goggles – an excruciatingly vivid reminder of what had happened to his brother – were far too painful to dwell on. He had absolutely no desire to deliberately go look at what was far worse than a grave – a reminder that not only had Tech died, but they hadn’t even been able to recover his body. 

               “I can’t,” Hunter said now, “Echo will be contacting us today with an update on Rex’s search for the kids’ families.” It was a plausible excuse – after all, it was for this very reason that Hunter hadn’t gone with Omega and Wrecker to supervise the water gliding.

               “That won’t be for another couple of hours,” Crosshair countered. “That’s why we’re going now.” Noting Hunter’s hesitation, Crosshair sighed and his voice softened as he added, “Please, Hunter, I need you this time.”

               Hunter wanted to refuse – oh, how badly he wanted to refuse; but Crosshair’s plea was genuine, and Hunter couldn’t say no. Sighing resignedly, he swallowed the last of his caf and gestured to Crosshair to take the lead out the door.

               They walked to the Archium in near silence, Hunter feeling a strange sense of déjà vu as if he were walking into a battle: nerves making him hyperaware, vigilant, preparing for anything, while managing to stay outwardly calm and stoic, maintaining the appearance of being in complete control. This technique had helped him lead his squad through so many missions… But this wasn't a mission, this wasn't a battle, so why was he approaching this as if it was?

               Crosshair was quiet as usual, though Hunter could sense him becoming increasingly somber as they made their way to the upper level of the Archium and rounded the corner that put them face to face with the shelf holding Tech’s goggles and Lula. 

                He had managed to go so long without letting himself think about the broken memento, the significance of the irreparable state they were in; and now here they were, staring him right in the face… He quickly shifted his eyes away to watch his youngest brother. 

                Crosshair gazed at the display for a moment before quietly sighing and settling himself on the floor in front of the wall opposite. Hunter followed suit, sitting next to him and looking across at the rows of items, though he was careful to look at every artifact except the one Crosshair had come here for.  

               “I keep thinking we need to put a bench here,” Crosshair said as he adjusted himself to a more comfortable position leaning against the rock wall, “but Omega says it’ll take up too much of the walkway.”

               Hunter knew his brother was attempting to lighten the mood, and appreciated the effort enough to play along. “Aren’t we already taking up too much of the walkway by sitting here, in the middle of the walkway?”

               “That’s what I said. And it’s not like lots of people come here all the time anyway. She just rolled her eyes at me.”

               “She would,” Hunter agreed mildly. “It’s fine. I’ll talk to Shep about it.”

               “I already talked to Shep about it. It’s Omega you need to convince.”

               “Nope, that’s on you. I’m not the one who needs a bench.”

                The massive eye roll Crosshair now gave Hunter would have done Omega proud, though it was in good humor; and he appeared rather at ease as he again turned his attention to the memorial. 

                Hunter was pleased to see Crosshair at peace here; but the weight of loss was now pressing in on Hunter as acutely as it had on Eriadu. He kept his eyes fixed on the small green sculpture near Lula in an attempt to focus on anything and anyone but Tech. Problem was, they had helped Phee acquire that sculpture right before she first introduced them to Pabu, Tech had been intrigued by the history behind that artifact once he understood it held cultural significance for some of Pabu’s refugees…

               Against his own will and better judgment, Hunter’s eyes strayed to the goggles for a moment… And his stomach plummeted the same way it had when he’d heard Tech utter the words “Plan 99,” he felt the same horror now as he had then upon realizing what was about to happen and that there was no way to stop it… He snapped his attention to Lula as the memory of Tech’s last words echoed through his mind.

            Plan 99 had never terrified Hunter before Eriadu, partly because it was a necessary contingency plan, partly because the sacrifice didn’t have to mean death was the inevitable outcome, but mostly because Hunter had always thought that if anyone did pull a Plan 99, it would only ever be himself. He had been prepared to make such a sacrifice his entire life – after all, leaders protected their squad, to the death if necessary. And he loved his brothers far too much to regard such an expectation and duty lightly - he would never let his brothers be the ones who needed to take such a drastic measure. And yet he had only been able to stand there, completely helpless and near-paralyzed with shock and dread, as Tech did what he deemed necessary to spare the squad, as Tech fell out of sight, as Hunter knew Tech would never return.

               He couldn’t stop his jaw from clenching; otherwise, he let slip no sign of how much he was affected. He would not ruin something that brought Crosshair any measure of solace.

               “I wasn’t there for him.”

               Crosshair spoke quietly, and Hunter almost flinched at the words – he could guess where this was going. “Crosshair, don’t…”

               “I’m the sniper. I’m supposed to watch your backs. I wasn’t there to watch his.”

               “His death was not your fault,” Hunter insisted.

               “I… I know that now,” Crosshair said, briefly dropping his gaze before looking up again at the memorial, though now not seeming to really see it. “Even if I had been there to help you all find Hemlock, Tech might have died anyway. Still, I failed all of you. I’m trying to make up for it. Omega says Tech wanted us to live and be happy, so… I’m trying. I’m trying to live up to what he sacrificed himself for. But that doesn’t change the fact that I failed him, I wasn’t there for him, and now he’s gone, I can’t make it up to him, and I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

               Crosshair was relating his own personal thoughts and feelings; yet it was as if he had reached into Hunter’s brain and pulled out all the darkest thoughts lurking there, giving them substance in words. But those thoughts shouldn’t belong to Crosshair, those words shouldn’t be coming from Crosshair’s mouth; that guilt was Hunter’s to own, and Hunter’s alone.

               “Crosshair, I am – was – the sergeant. I’m supposed to lead. Protecting you all is my responsibility.”

               “And you have,” the other replied, now looking Hunter square in the face. “You still do. You’re not watching just our backs, either – you’re… you’re everywhere all at once, all the time, protecting us. We’re going to make our own decisions, Hunter, and you couldn’t stop Tech from making his; but you were there for him all the time. You were there with him. And that matters.”

               Crosshair’s voice had become increasingly harsh, a tell-tale sign that he was trying to contain his emotions; and he abruptly averted his gaze and sat back, pressing his lips together tightly to calm himself. In the sudden silence, Crosshair’s statement that Hunter had always been there for the squad lingered in the air, and another of Hunter’s deepest regrets stabbed at his conscience so pointedly he began speaking almost before he registered what he was doing.

               “Crosshair, when Tech died, I… I was ready to give up, Echo wanted to keep searching for Hemlock’s base but I was going to bring Wrecker and Omega here to Pabu and stop looking for you…”

               “Good,” Crosshair interjected adamantly. “That’s what I would have told you to do.” He shook his head. “No, Hunter, you couldn’t stop me from making my choices either, and I chose to push you all away. But you are always there for me every time I let you be. And knowing you tried to find me at all… When Omega first told me, I was so angry that you had disregarded my message but…” He took a deep breath before pressing on, “I knew I didn’t deserve your attempt to rescue me, it was my choices that landed me in Tantiss; but just knowing you had tried carried me through more than you’ll ever know.” He leaned forward to emphasize his next words, making sure Hunter couldn’t miss the sincerity in his eyes. “We all follow you for a reason. Tech followed you to the very end for a reason. You may have failed some mission objectives, Hunter, but you’ve never failed us.”

               The familiar bitter, burning, prickling sensation was clawing at his throat again; but for reasons he would never quite understand, this time, instead of trying to swallow it, Hunter let it rise, rise all the way up to his eyes and spill out in tears. He hid his face in his hands as he wept for the first time in – he couldn’t even remember the last time he had let himself cry, he was a soldier, a sergeant, a leader, he needed to be strong and never let the fear or sorrow or disappointment or regret show. But he let them show now.

               He didn’t know how long he sat there – once the tears started, he couldn’t stop them. And Crosshair stayed with him, sitting next to him in sympathetic silence, Crosshair’s hand on Hunter’s back acting as a grounding force against the torrent of emotion that had finally spoken free.

               The tears eventually slowed down enough for Hunter to take a deep breath and stop the flood. Feeling weary and completely drained, yet somehow freer as if he had partially released a massive burden, Hunter finally brought his gaze back up to regard the memento of his fallen brother, and suddenly noticed that being reminded of Tech wasn’t quite so painful anymore.

               Crosshair, somehow intuiting that it was time to break the silence, now spoke.

               “Remember that time we went to 79s and Tech spent the entire night calculating the chances of each reg’s success with getting a girl to dance with them?”

               Of all the things Crosshair could have said, Hunter had not been expecting this; and now he fought against a grin as he recalled that night. “There were two Twi’leks giving him looks for hours just begging him to ask them out, and he didn't pay them any attention. But he informed us in detail of all the classic signs of flirting while pointing out the girls who were looking at the rest of us.”

               “Uh huh,” Crosshair nodded. “And then there was that one girl who came up to him and asked him if he liked dancing, and he said…”

               “‘That depends entirely on what you mean by ‘like,’” Hunter quoted – Crosshair had teased Tech about this night so relentlessly Hunter could still recall the entire conversation almost verbatim.

               “And he went off on this whole speech about how he appreciated the cultural and social significance of dancing and he himself often found it – oh kriff, what did he say…”

               “‘Aesthetically pleasing to watch,’" Hunter supplied, unable to stop himself from smiling as he thought of it.

               “Yes, that’s it, but he ‘didn’t see the purpose of engaging in such activity’ himself, even though he was - ”

               “'Certain he could master various styles should he ever decide to attempt them,’" the brothers finished together, with Crosshair now chuckling and Hunter grinning.

               “And she looked really put out and left, and he went on tabulating his observations of the regs as if nothing had happened, and he had no idea what we were talking about when we outright told him she’d wanted him to ask her to dance,” Hunter concluded, shaking his head in amusement before turning to his brother with one brow raised. “What makes you bring up that memory?”

               “Because I have to know: did Tech really have a crush on Phee? Omega keeps insisting they went out on dates.”

               Hunter snorted. “Tech kept calling them ‘friendly outings.’ But what with him deliberately finding ways to spend more time with Phee and the way he smiled every time he looked at her or talked about her…”

               “Ugh,” Crosshair deadpanned, though the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth undercut his effort to appear disgusted.   

               “You haven’t told Omega that 79s story, right?” Hunter abruptly asked.

               “Not that one.”

               “…Wait, what?”

               They spent another half hour there in the Archium, reminiscing about Tech, before it was time to leave to await Echo’s transmission. And Hunter left feeling lighter than he had since before Eriadu; and with the burden eased, he found he even had room to feel more gratitude for the chance Tech had given them than sorrow over the fact that he, Hunter, hadn’t been able to save his brother.

               Hunter wasn’t sure if he fully believed everything Crosshair had said to console him – his own mistakes and failures still struck deep, and some regret still lingered. But maybe, just maybe, his efforts to try to be better really would pay off.

               Maybe there was still hope for him yet.

*****

               EPILOGUE

               Hunter, abruptly waking in the middle of the night, noticed the faint light of a datapad through his window facing the front yard, and smiled.

               So long ago, he had dared to hope for peace and security for all his siblings. So long ago, he had dared to hope that all his brothers would come back together.

                That hope had died on Eriadu.

               Or so he had thought.

               The impossible had happened: Tech was home.

               Yes, Tech had been found – after years being thought dead, Tech had been found alive and relatively well, apart from suffering from amnesia. Echo and Omega had managed to help him regain his memories, though, and just today they had brought him to Pabu.

               Hunter had stayed in the background all through today’s events to give Wrecker and Crosshair – particularly Crosshair – adequate space and time to reunite with their long-lost brother. It was enough for Hunter to stand back and witness the squad – the family – all together again; just watching them reunited filled his heart nearly to bursting with happiness.

               Now, though, while everyone else was asleep and all was quiet, Hunter wanted to seize the opportunity to talk to his brother.

               Tech was standing in the yard near the low garden wall, datapad in hand, glancing up at the stars every so often in a manner that informed Hunter exactly what his always-inquisitive brother was researching without him needing to ask. As Hunter stepped up beside him, Tech looked up and greeted him with a warm nod.

               “Can’t sleep?” Hunter asked.

               “Hunter, when have I ever slept more than three hours at a time?” the other replied, making Hunter chuckle.

               “Some things never change,” he remarked, glancing meaningfully at the equipment in Tech’s hands. Tech, correctly interpreting Hunter’s look, shrugged slightly.

               “True, but enough has changed since the last time I saw you all that I know I have plenty of catching up to do.”

               Hunter, thinking back over all that had transpired in the past decade or so since Tech had been tragically separated from the squad, nodded thoughtfully before somewhat hesitantly voicing a concern that had been on his mind ever since learning Tech was alive. “And all the differences, all the changes… You’re okay? I mean, you’ve been through a lot as it is. Are the changes too much? Does any of it, well, bother you?”

               “Of course not,” Tech responded stoutly. “Change is to be expected, it’s a part of life. Though I will say, Crosshair becoming a swimming instructor of all things was not something I could have ever anticipated.”

               Hunter laughed outright. “I don’t think any of us could have predicted that before it happened.”

               “Omega becoming a pilot, on the other hand – within a week of her joining us, that I knew would be inevitable.”

               “Yes,” Hunter sighed. “Still wish her piloting didn’t involve any military ops or combat, though. I tried talking her into running supplies or civilian transport or something…”

               “Overprotective as always, I see,” Tech observed drily.

               Hunter shook his head ruefully. “Yeah, that’s never changing,” he confessed.

               Tech lapsed into a comfortable silence; but the conversation had stirred something deep inside Hunter, prodding him almost against his will into addressing a topic he had never quite fully forgiven himself for, even as time and confronting the issues had worn away the sharpest edges of regret.

               “Tech, I… I have to tell you, I didn’t handle it well when you…” he paused, considering his words.

               “Died?” Tech supplied matter-of-factly.

               “I can’t say that when you’re standing here right in front of me,” Hunter protested.

               “Why not? I confess it is a singular experience to be referred to as if I’ve come back from the dead when I have actually been alive all these years; but from your perspective it is the most apt description, and we are currently discussing events from your perspective.”

               “Uh, right,” Hunter said weakly, caught between the old familiar feeling of mild bewilderment and amusement at Tech’s penchant for overexplaining things, and a strange sense of nostalgia upon experiencing something he had long thought he would never experience again. Shaking his head slightly and looking down at his hands which were now gripping the low garden wall in an effort to steady himself, he pressed on: “I didn’t handle it well when you… died. I gave up on Crosshair – I’d already failed him anyway, and then I failed you, I couldn’t lose anyone else. And then when Omega was captured, I got reckless, I didn’t take care of myself, Wrecker was in the line of fire so often trying to keep me safe…”

               Tech interrupted gently, “Yet Omega’s relation of events suggests you did eventually adapt and move on, as I had hoped you would.”

               “But… I wasn’t able to protect you, Tech.”

               “No, but you protected them. That was always the priority. And because you did, I now have a family to come home to.”

               Hunter felt a familiar burning, prickling sensation in his throat, but it wasn’t bitter nor did it claw at him; indeed, as he allowed the sensation to rise and blur his vision with unshed tears, all he felt was the sweet, soothing sense of gratitude along with a new sense of relief at now being able to share this gratitude with the one to whom it was owed.

               “Thank you, Tech. Thank you for saving us.”

               To Hunter’s surprise, Tech firmly shook his head at this before saying, “Gratitude is unnecessary. I only did what any of you would have done in my situation. Still,” he added, pushing his spectacles up the bridge of his nose, “since your thanks has been expressed… You are welcome.”

               Hunter grinned as he looked out over the moonlit landscape in front of him before turning to lean back against the wall, facing his brother. “It’s good to have you back, Tech.”

               Tech turned as well, lowering his datapad as he gazed at the moonlit cabin that held the rest of their family within, his eyes softening with a contented smile. “It’s good to be home.” 

[electrikworm]

Thanks for this request @covert1ntrovert ! I feel like this ended up pretty intense, but I hope you still like it :)

After the fall

Relationships: None

Content Warnings: Major Character Death, Talk about death, some gore and disturbing imagery but only mentioned, mild Self-Harm

Summary:

After Tech's sacrifice on Eriadu, Wrecker breaks down at Cid's Parlor. Wrecker was there to see his brother fall, and hates himself for not being able to do anything to save him.

Word count: 1,244

Read on Ao3

Wrecker can't think when they leave Eriadu. Omega's injured, that's all any of them can focus on. Of course Wrecker encourages it, forcing his mind not to wander anywhere but getting Omega to safety, getting her injuries treated.

Wrecker wants to go to Pabu, but AZI is Omega's best bet and he happens to be on Ord Mantell. They have to do what's best for Omega.

Wrecker doesn't register how they get to Cid's Parlor, thoughts entirely fixated on the barely conscious child in his arms, their child. She looks so small like this.

The next time Wrecker really notices his surroundings is as AZI ask him to place Omega down. He does so carefully, paying close attention to what AZI tells them about her condition. It's not as bad as they thought, AZI assures them she'll make a full recovery. Relief washes over Wrecker and for the first time since Eriadu, since the rail cart crash, Wrecker thinks about more than just Omega.

Wrecker has to leave, can't stand to be around others as everything starts to hit him. He won't make them have to watch his emotions taking over.

Calmly as he can, he leaves the room, pushing past Cid as he does. He doesn't stop when he's in the main part of the bar. It's too open here, too public. Wrecker keeps walking until he's in the parlor's bathroom.

The harsh chemicals used to try and keep the perpetually dirty space clean immediately cling to the inside of Wrecker's nose and mouth as he heaves for air. His chest burns as he fails to force any oxygen into his lungs.

Tech's dead. He's dead and they're not one bit closer to finding Crosshair. They failed the mission worse than they ever had before. A sob tears itself from Wrecker's throat as he leans on the wall heavily.

Tech was right there, right in front of Wrecker. There must have been something he could have done to save him, to convince Tech not to resort to plan 99. Wrecker knows there must have been a way to save his brother, but he was too weak, too slow to find it.

Wrecker slams his fist into the wall hard enough to make the tiles crack and his bones grind against each other. The pain's nothing compared to the way his neck's burned since the crash, but it's new and it's distracting. So he hits the wall again, and again, until his arm is the worst ache in his body, and his hand is bleeding.

Wrecker can't help the sob escaping him as he drops himself to the dirty floor, back pressed to the wall, knees drawn up high, newly injured limb cradled to his chest. He grabs his wrist with his good hand and presses until it hurts. He deserves the pain.

Tears fall off Wrecker's cheeks, dripping onto his knee plates. If the roles were reverse, Tech would have figured out a way to solve the situation without losing any brothers. But that task fell to Wrecker and he failed, failed Tech, failed the squad, failed his family.

Wrecker tries to pull his knees even closer to his chest. Doing so hurts his ribs, but that's good. That pain is so much more bearable than the agony of the emotions twisted in his chest so tight, he feels his organs will be crushed by them.

If Wrecker had been faster, stronger, less of a coward around heights, maybe Tech would still be with them and not at the bottom of a mountain on Eriadu, crushed by the force of the impact. Wrecker's brain starts conjuring up images of his brother, bloody and broken, bones shattered. He gags, trying and failing to think of literally anything else. Wrecker scrambles to the sink, spitting out a mouthful of acidic saliva as the image of Tech's cracked skull keeps returning to him. He doesn't remember when he last ate, can't bring himself to care.

Vision blurry, Wrecker catches sight of himself in the stained mirror. He looks pathetic, face tear-stained, eyes red. It makes him want to break the reflective surface. He shouldn't be allowed to be such a mess about something he could have prevented. He should be out there, looking after his siblings, making sure they're alright. Instead, he just fails to suppress yet another sob.

Wrecker can't stand to look at himself as he fails to get a grip of his emotions, so he sinks to the floor again, hitting his head on the metal sink on the way down. The loud hollow clang echoes about the bathroom. Somehow, the absurdity of the noise just makes Wrecker sob louder, pressing his face to his armored knees.

They can't even bury him. Tech will just lay out in the open, rotting, nobody laying him to rest with the honour he deserves. Wrecker remembers Tech telling him about the stages of decay once, years ago, when they found a dead animal on a mission. Now, he can't help but imagine those stages happening to his brother. Wrecker grasps at his head in frustration, blood from his hand smearing across his skin. He wishes he could stop imagining things he doesn't want to see, but no matter what, the images keep returning.

The longer it goes, the worse it gets. He imagines birds tearing at Tech's skin, and bugs crawling out of his collapsed chest, flesh peeling from splintered bones as time goes on. Wrecker presses his eyes shut, breath coming in short gasps. He just wants it to stop, please let it stop.

He clenches his injured hand shut hard, hoping the pain will distract him at least a little. Wrecker feels dizzy. If he weren't already on the floor, he'd most likely fall over.

What gets the awful images to stop is focusing on the guilt. Wrecker thinks about everything he could have done better during the mission, every way he could have prevented Tech from dying. He still can't figure out how exactly he could have saved his brother, but that's why Tech is, was, the brains of the operation, and Wrecker is just the guy that tanks hits and sets explosives.

Wrecker feels numb now. He doesn't know how long he was crying and struggling to breath, but his face hurts, everything hurts. But that's only fair after how badly he let everyone down.

His eyes flick to the cracked tiles on the wall. He'll have to apologize to Cid about that. Maybe he can offer to fix it. He'll definitively clean the blood he's spread over the floor and sink. He shouldn't be messing Cid's place up just because he's feeling sorry for himself.

Wrecker should go to his siblings now, be helpful in any way he can, try and make up for how badly he karked up, even if he knows he'll never be able to. But he can't even get himself to stand up, legs shaking even as he's sitting on the floor. With a low whine, Wrecker rests his head against the wall. He tries to wipe the tears off his face, to little success.

A better man, a better brother, would force himself to stop hiding in a dirty public bathroom and be useful. Would force himself to face his siblings. But Wrecker's selfish and weak, so he stays slumped on that bathroom floor, crying quietly, pitying himself, knowing damn well he doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy.

[ineffablenlghtingales]

Oh my, the flashback of Crowley and Aziraphale before the beginning of everything. Angel!Crowley is so adorable. Those little squeaks of delight when he's making the stars...

Aziraphale ends up popping his happiness when he mentions the plans that the universe and all of that is supposed to end in about six thousand years. Then Crowley's understandably upset but just asks (with genuine desire to know, I think) “How much trouble can I get into just asking a few questions?” Okay so I know I asked earlier about Crowley's Fall and y'all said it was implied in one way or another. Was his Fall because he dared to question the Almighty's plans and by those questions seemed to go against the great plan? Because if so, that isn't fair and I don't think Crowley deserved to be cast from Heaven into boiling pools of sulfur and condemned to an eternity as a demon just because he didn't understand the point of creating something so beautiful that would only be destroyed in the blink of an eye. (Another thing I could probably write more about at some later point...)

Then we're brought to present-day London where Crowley meets Shax (hm I decided I don't really like her.) So as I understand it, she's taken Crowley's place as Hell's ambassador? (Did I miss something in S1 or was it explicitly said that Crowley was Hell's ambassador on earth bec it was news to me). I love how Crowley just doesn't give a shit at all.

Memory-wiped Gabriel shows up in his skivvies and I felt sorry for Aziraphale and the massive headache he must have had dealing with him. But I loved John Hamm's performance. Like Gabriel is kind of stupid but not so much stupid as his head is just empty of everything.

Ever the one to help people in need, Azi lets him in, gives him a blanket and tries to figure out what the heaven is going on. Okay, but “You know what it’s like when you don’t know anything at all but you’re totally certain that everything would be better if you were near one particular person?” had me. Azi reacted a little bit too strongly to that, and are we to understand that he's denying the fact that Crowley happens to be that person for him? Open your eyes, dear Azi. Don't deny it, love. Then Gabriel, mentions that “something terrible” might happen and there’s a “thing” he’s supposed to give Aziraphale. The thing turns out to be an empty cardboard box.

Then, one of my favorite scenes. Crowley loses his shit when he sees Gabriel, and you see the poor demon is very much startled.

Crowley (very angry and confused): What's he doing here? Aziraphale: I don't know. Crowley (not impressed): Ask him! Aziraphale (helplessly): He doesn't know either. Crowley (really very much not impressed) *growls*: Ask him, properly! Crowley (to Gabriel): WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. IN. THIS. BOOK-SHOP-PAH. (makes sure to pop that 'p') Gabriel (a little bit confused): I. Am. Dusting. *Waves the duster in the air)

Then the goose chase for Gabriel begins, Crowley is dragged back to Hell and gets threatened a bit by Beelzebub. Oh! I almost forgot. Crowley gets so mad he electrocutes himself. It was kind of funny. Like I loved how he's stalking out of the bookshop trying (not very hard maybe) to control his anger, and then he starts smoking. Then he shakes and gives up. "I can't do this. I'm so angry!" and yep, electrocutes himself also locking Maggie and Nina in their shop.

Crowley eventually frees the women with a snap of his fingers and goes back to apologize to Azi. But the angel wants the "I Was Wrong Dance” before he’ll forgive his friend for ditching him — and though Crowley is not so okay with that, he does it in the end with this fantastic flourish and bow at the end. Excuse me, sir.

So then they put their heads together and try to figure out what to do about Gabriel and decide to each do half a miracle to hide the amnesiac archangel. They do and are pretty convinced it works. BUT it sets off big alarms in Heaven, whoops.

Recap for 2x02 to come tomorrow, hopefully!

Next episode's recap ➵

[fanfoolishness]

Headcanons for Crosshair's healing, post-finale

I'm definitely hoping to write fics incorporating most or all of these, but if I wind up stalling out on them, at least they'll be preserved here! I'm also linking to some fics or art where I've addressed some of these points, if you're curious. :)

In the immediate post-Tantiss aftermath, Crosshair is a foggy mess, between the shock and pain of his injury and the pain medication AZI has him on. He has some heart-to-hearts with his family here, but the vulnerability he shows during this time dries up once he's more clear-headed. Still, he realizes more and more that his family wants to help him, and will.

Once some of the major healing of his stump has occurred, he throws himself into helping his family build and furnish their new home (it's Star Wars and there's prefabs, so it doesn't really take too long, but it's a good distraction for a bit), as well as helping with simple things around the island like deliveries of things he can carry easily without a hand. He stays close to Omega when he can, feeling anxious when she's out of sight, something his brothers share.

The more routine and settled the days get, the worse his nights start to become. Nightmares of his time with the Empire, his imprisonment and torture on Tantiss, the terror and pain of losing his hand, and worst of all, Tech, start disrupting his sleep. He tries to pretend it's nothing, but his family isn't fooled. Decompressing from the absolute adrenaline rush of being focused on rescuing Omega leaves too much space for bad memories to start bubbling up, as well as unresolved grief.

Omega, realizing he's struggling -- and starting to struggle herself for many of the same reasons, which I could write a whole other post on! -- tries to get him to meditate with her again, but he brushes her off. No hand? No tremor? Problem solved, right?

AZI offers to work on a prosthetic for him, but he declines. Not because he's content with his arm as it is right now, but because he's afraid a prosthetic will shake, too, and because he still struggles with feeling like he doesn't deserve help.

He shifts into a depressive state with isolating himself from his family, eating poorly, and sleeping terribly. He spends a lot of time walking around with Batcher, and starts to notice some of the birds around the island. He still has moments of happiness, like when spending time with Omega, playing fetch with the hound, seeing his brothers doing well, or noticing the beauty of Pabu, but the instant the happy thing is over, the black cloud returns.

He resists any talk about Tech, even as his nightmares grow more and more to include his brother.

Until it's made clear that Omega is having a hard time, too, and modeling some of the same behaviors he is -- pulling away, clamming up, nightmares. It's when he sees her struggling that he realizes he still might not care about healing for himself... but if it could help her in some way, maybe he needs to try.

I haven't quite figured out the inciting factor for this next part, but something Happens, and Crosshair finally breaks down about Tech. I am envisioning something truly messy and painful. But when his family finds him and convinces him to talk, he finally starts letting it out. His guilt, his self-hatred in that Tech would still be alive if they hadn't tried to rescue him, that his message had had the opposite effect, that he didn't take the chance to come with them on Kamino or to go with Cody. He's worried Tech would be angry at him, would hate him for who he'd been in the Empire, for being the reason Tech died, and he's been carrying all of this for months.

His family is able to reassure him that Tech never stopped caring about him, that Tech would be the first to realize Crosshair had changed. And there'd be some very sweet moments where they remember him together, as a family. ;_;

The nightmares start to get better, and Crosshair asks Omega to start meditating with him again. It's not perfect, there are still hard days, but he starts being more social again, keeps up with the meditating, is better able to be there for Omega when she's having a hard time too.

With the guilt of losing Tech starting to heal, he can start trying to heal the rest of him, too. He works with AZI and Echo to try a prosthetic.

As he feared, it does shake, too, now and then. At first it panics him and he takes the hand off and doesn't try it again for days. But the others encourage him to try again, and as he keeps up with the meditation, the tremors get fewer. They still happen sometimes, but they are less distressing; if it really bothers him, he takes off his hand. He winds up wearing his prosthetic maybe 50% of the time, sometimes taking it off to relax and not worry about the tremors, sometimes taking it off just because he doesn't feel like using a second hand, sometimes just because it will always feel a little strange and he just prefers being without it sometimes.

Within a few months of using the prosthetic, he finds his old mirror pucks and builds a suncatcher out of them, taking an object of war and making it into something warm and artistic. Every time he looks at it, he remembers how far he's come, how he's becoming less and less defined by being a sniper, a soldier, every day.

Eventually, he and Echo do get word from Cody. Seeing him again is frightening -- remembering how badly he'd failed Cody when he had the chance, wondering if Cody will only see him as he was then -- but he's eager to show Cody how much he's changed. Cody for his part is still feeling guilt over the Order and his work for the Empire, and both of them are able to reassure each other and remind each other there is a path forward.

Within 2-3 years, Crosshair is doing far better. He still misses Tech terribly, but guilt and shame and repressed grief have changed into smiling when he talks about Tech, or quiet moments with rare tears when things are harder. He visits Tech's goggles sometimes, whether on his own or with one of his siblings. The messy breakdown and the knotty repression phases have largely ended. Nightmares are uncommon now, and usually soothed with meditation or talking to his brothers or Omega or Batcher. Like others have suggested he has probably taken up fishing as so many on the island do, but in his spare time he has started to appreciate the birds of Pabu, especially when he remembers how much Tech loved recording sounds. He finds recordings of several species on Tech's datapad and uses it to keep track of the birds he sees, feeling a little closer to his brother when he does so. His enthusiasm for the creatures rubs off on the rest of their family, too. He meditates daily; sometimes with Omega, but often on his own. Wrecker hates it and has fallen asleep the rare times he's tried it, but Hunter, to Crosshair's surprise, joins him occasionally. Batcher loves it and views it as part of her daily nap routine.

On trips home from the Rebellion, when Omega is frustrated or heartsick about losses or the odds they are facing, she knows she can always nudge her white-haired brother and say, "Want to meditate a bit?" And he'll say yes, every time. <3

Any thoughts? I do hope I get a chance to write all this out in fic form, but it was nice getting it down for my own edification :)

[u2fangirlie-blog]

Good Omens Aziraphale's Sad Bastard Breakup Playlist

After the breakup, Aziraphale has a new job in heaven, having taken Gabriel’s vacant position. Aziraphale is haunted by sad music reminding him of his time with Crowley. The songs are dramatic, tragic, melancholic, angry, wistful, romantic, and sentimental. How does he listen to music at his new job in the head office? Are material objects allowed? Does he keep a secret stash of tea, cake, and records and a phonograph player in his office? Does he have a celestial radio that can tune in Earth radio stations? Does he sneak off to Earth to hang out in record shops and bookstores? Or more dramatically and emotionally torturously, does he remember every note, every nuance, every feeling, of every song and replay them in his mind? He's stuffing his face with angel food cake and tea while crying and listening to sad bastard songs and hiding from Michael and the Metatron.

See note after list on song selection process.

Songs include:

“Lacrimosa” – Mozart, Requiem in D Minor, Vienna Mozart Orchestra

“Commendatore” – Mozart, Don Giovanni, Amadeus film soundtrack

“Ja, tot katoramu vnimala” – Rubenstein, The Demon, Nicolai Ghiaurov

“D’amour l’ardente flemme” – Berlioz, The Damnation of Faust, Maria Callas

“Liebestod” – Wagner, Tristan and Isolde, Waltraud Meier

“Ach ich fuhls” – Mozart, The Magic Flute, Gundula Janowitz

“Thy hand, Belinda … When I am laid in earth” – Purcell, Dido and Aeneas, Janet Baker

“E lucevan la stelle” – Puccini, Tosca, Placido Domingo

“Celeste Aidia” – Verdi, Aida, Mario Lanza

“Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen” Mahler, Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau

“Der Wanderer” – Schubert, Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau

“Love is a Plaintive Song” – Gilbert and Sullivan, Patience, D’Oyly Carte Opera Company

“I am a Courtier Grave and Serious” – Gilbert and Sullivan, The Gondoliers, D’Oyly Carte Opera Company

“The Gentleman is a Dope” – Rodgers and Hammerstein, Allegro, Blossom Dearie

“A Hymn to Him” – Lerner and Lowe, My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison

“Could I Leave You?” – Sondheim, Follies, Alexis Smith

“We Do Not Belong Together” – Sondheim, Sunday in the Park with George, Bernadette Peters and Mandy Patinkin

“On My Own” – Schonberg, Les Misérables, Frances Ruffelle

“As Long as He Needs Me” – Bert, Oliver, Judy Garland

 “Stranger in Paradise” – Wright and Forest, Kismet, Richard Kiley and Doretta Morrow

“A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square” – Sherwin and Maschwitz, Vera Lynn

“Night and Day” – Porter, The Gay Divorcee, Ella Fitzgerald

“I’ve Got You Under My Skin” – Porter, Born to Dance, Shirley Bassey

“Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered” – Rodgers and Heart, Pal Joey, Sarah Vaughan

“They Can’t Take That Away From Me” – Gershwin, Shall We Dance, Fred Astaire

“Mon Deu” – Dumont and Vaucaire, Edith Piaf

“Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” – Dumont and Vaucaire, Edith Piaf

P.S.: Aziraphale likes Les Mis because it reminds him of that time Crowley rescued him from the Bastille. Don't tell anyone. It's a big secret.

P.P.S.: “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered” reminds him of the time he and Crowley got drunk in the backroom at the bookshop the day the anti-Christ was delivered to Earth. Basically, this song reminds him of every time they went out for drinks or stayed in and drank.

P.P.P.S.: “I am a Courtier Grave and Serious” was the song Aziraphale planned to play when trying to tempt Crowley into learning the gavotte. It reminds him of the ball in the bookstore when he finally danced with Crowley.

P.P.P.P.S.: “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” is as close as Aziraphale can get to telling the world and Crowley to eff off. He has no more effs to give. Or at least he’s trying to convince himself he no longer gives a f***. He’s going off to his new job at the head office and Do Good.

Note on song selection:

I selected songs that thematically fit with the relationship between Aziraphale and Crowley. I think the songs tell a story of Aziraphale’s struggle to reconcile his conflicted motivations. They reflect Aziraphale’s fears and desires. He fears being hauled off to hell for disobedience. He fears Crowley’s death and being alone in the world. He desires to be emotionally intimate with Crowley. (Dare he risk physical intimacy with Crowley?) He feels self-righteously indignant, but he’s soft and squishy and weepy and misses his best friend.

I don’t have much knowledge of opera or musical theater, but I have some experience with choir and solo performance. I did a lot of research into opera, art songs, musicals, showtunes, and standards to create a playlist on YouTube. Selections were based on availability, popularity, and sound quality. My big question was whether or not Aziraphale is a strict originalist or if he likes different versions of songs. In some places, I chose newer versions over original versions due to the sound quality of the recordings. I tried to keep selections accessible to a wide audience with varying degrees of musical knowledge. You may not like my choices, so your mileage may vary. You can make your own playlist.

You can listen to it on YouTube.

[mozeloon]

on the good omens s2 finale ....

Finally got around to watching this show and at first I was very surprised with the turn of events in episode 6... esp Aziraphale saying "you're the bad guys" about hell, and in general being so happy to invite Crowley back to heaven with him. I thought, surely he knows Crowley would say no, how could he be so naive? truly a tough watch, i was cringing but so invested. And I knew ahead of time they were going to kiss!!! I didn't know it was going to be this way!!!!

I see a lot of parallels between Azi and Zuko's redemption arc in ATLA. In season 2 of ATLA, Zuko is utterly rejected by and pitted against the family and nation he has relied on/been loyal to. Now, he is completely relying on the one person who truly loves him, and he is forced by his circumstances (and gently guided by Iroh) to reckon with taking a new direction in his life. This involves a lot of grief and struggle, and finally, when Zuko starts to adjust to his new life, to find joy in it, he is offered the greatest possible temptation: a glorious return to his family and title.

His father and sister have not changed or regretted their treatment of him; Azula's coaxing at the end of S2, telling Zuko she needs him, is very similar to how she traps Zuko at the beginning of the season, telling him their father regrets his banishment and wants to keep his children close. But from Zuko's perspective, he wants to believe that they do have regrets – that they recognize his efforts and his actions (like how he asserts that "I have changed" when he joins Azula against the gaang).

We know from watching the series play out that this is a necessary regression in his character arc - he needs to encounter these temptations, and eventually turn away from them, for his redemption to feel earned and complete. If not given the chance to return to the fire nation, his life in Ba Sing Se could be seen as making the best of a bad situation - he could still dream every night of returning home.

To return to Good Omens, this is much how I saw S2 play out. Aziraphale, long loyal to heaven despite occasionally diverging according to his own morals, is left a little more on his own and is clearly a bit put out about "not reporting to heaven" anymore. He gets to enjoy shenanigans with the one person who unconditionally loves him, and gain confidence in the decisions he is making against the will of the heavenly bureaucracy, when he is offered the chance to get back everything he lost. Like Zuko, Aziraphale is manipulated into thinking that heaven has changed, because he is being rewarded for his actions with a promotion – so of course, they are on the same side!

I think, despite hearing Crowley say over and over that he is not interested in being on the side of heaven or hell, Aziraphale has always projected a bit of his own feelings about the matter: he thinks Crowley is just saying that because that is a way to make the best of their situation. Not to mention that they both feel that Crowley's fall was undeserved. Aziraphale, like Zuko, have both been indoctrinated to be grateful for any kind of recognition or acceptance, even if they are poorly treated in the process. I would imagine that Crowley, who had to unlearn this long ago, is also worried Aziraphale might be hurt or corrupted by the system around him.

For this reason, I don't think the Metatron will immediately reveal himself as evil and subdue Aziraphale, or that Crowley and Azi have switched bodies again, or that Aziraphale is already hatching some genius plan, or anything like that. In the same way that Zuko had to return home to realize he lied to himself about how his life would turn out, Aziraphale is still hoping to make a positive difference and find a way to reconcile these different threads of his life. This is at the root of his naive, black-and-white thinking during that final confrontation with Crowley - he's just desperate and trying to convince himself. Only once back in heaven will he realize he cannot fit back into his old mold.

I have more thoughts but that will have to be for another post.

[thatlonelycactus]

Quite a few people have said this already but I absolutely HATE the theories that Aziraphale was lying/brainwashed (like being mind-controlled by our bestie the Metatron)/trying to signal to Crowley for help. And I so so SO hope these don’t become true in season 3. You wanna know why???

Because as EVERY person who has said something about this has said the same thing: it removes all of the blame from Aziraphale. It means that he was never in the wrong because “oh it wasn’t his fault, he had no control over himself” or “he was trying to keep Crowley safe” or, and this is the one that makes me angriest for whatever reason, “he was trying to tell Crowley something was up [and it’s not his fault that Crowley didn’t get his message]”. And if Azi never made that mistake then he has little to no room for growth in the final season. Yes, I probably do have some Crowley bias, I’ll be the first to admit it and I am on Crowley’s side of the divorce, BUT it’s unfair to both Crowley and Aziraphale as well written characters to not have that room for growth in season 3. Because, as I may have mention prior, for them to get their happily ever after one of them will need to understand where each other is coming from when it comes to Heaven and Hell and the way I see this happening is by Azi realizing that Heaven is corrupt for more reasons than Gabriel and Michael. Now, you may be thinking, “well that doesn’t explain why the third option of him trying to signal danger is wrong” and in that, you’re right. And I, personally, don’t like this idea for two reasons: a) as previously stated it cheapens Azi’s character arc and leaves little to no room for growth in s3. He realizes that Heaven is corrupt and so on. And b) this is more of a personal thing ig but I feel like, as a theory, it shifts blame onto Crowley for not seeing his pleas for help which will make him seem like an even bigger asshole when he’s lashing out in s3 which once again leaves all the character development up to him which is, at the end of the day, unfair to both of them. Because neither one of them was the sole reason that they got to the point at which they needed to separate and I think it’s unfair to put the burden on only one of them in season 3. But yeah, that was my rant and I really HATE the coffee and lie theories. It is literally impossible to convince me that they’d be good story lines for s3. But each to their own ig.

[draconicsplendor]

Good Omens S3 Speculation

Just mentioned this in the reblogs of another post but guys. I think Aziraphale is going to succeed.

I’m not gonna talk about whether Aziraphale or Crowley’s choice was better, because they’re both understandable choices and it’s been talked about to death. But I had this thought about Azi’s choice that will just! Not! Leave! Me! Alone!

Speculation under the cut:

This season taught us a lot about Aziraphale, but the part that sticks out to me is when he tells Nina that he always has a plan, even if he knows Crowley will come to his rescue.

This means he’s strategic enough to know there might be a time Crowley can’t be there to save him, which means he must be a lot more strategic than people give him credit for.

I don’t think he had a plan when the Metatron first invited him to rejoin Heaven as their leader. But he tells Crowley he wants to dismantle that institution, and I think he’s starting to form half-baked ideas of how he wants to go about it.

Towards the end of the final episode, the Metatron mentions the Second Coming of Christ.

And Aziraphale looked terrified.

At that point, I think Aziraphale knew he needed a plan.

But here’s why I think it’s going to work.

I’ve seen others mention this, but I think Aziraphale knows the powers-that-be won’t let them run away like Gabriel and Beelzebub did. Gabriel and Beelzebub were in positions of power, and still wanted to uphold the status quo.

Aziraphale and Crowley, on the other hand, have only disrupted it, even while they were still trying to be loyal. These two are DANGEROUS for Heaven and Hell, and unless something changes, they can’t get the same opportunity that was dangled in front of them. No force in the universe would let that happen.

It would also be so out-of-character for Aziraphale not to fight for that happy ending. We saw that he was willing to declare war for the humans in his bookshop (when he exploded his halo), and he’s taken similar risks when he grabbed a gun from Shadwell and almost convinced himself to shoot a child.

I do think he has some lingering black-and-white thinking to work through, since he told Crowley he wanted to them to be angels, doing good, and that Crowley’s side was the “bad guys”. But he knows now that Heaven wants to cause another apocalypse, and Neil has also said they’re going to get their happy ending.

But I don’t think they can live in their cottage in South Downs unless something big changes. Given Aziraphale’s character traits and the position of power he’s in now, he’s the only one that can. And he has to, or he’s going to lose Crowley.

[sylvie-lee]

Currently living in a world where Shax and the demons didn't show up during the ball. Like. Hear me out.

Crowley and Aziraphale finish their dance.

They return to the side of the room and watch Maggie and Nina dancing in confusion (or Crowley does, Aziraphale is beaming at him like he hung the stars).

Finally, Azi decides to be brave. He pulls Crowley into the back room. "Crowley?"

Crowley looks lost in the sauce, bordering on terrified, because he doesn't recognize the expression Azi is making and he thought he knew all of Azi's expressions.

Aziraphale tries to stumble through something resembling a confession but it goes just about as well as one might imagine and he's getting frustrated because he can tell that Crowley is not understanding him. Crowley, for his part, thinks that Aziraphale is trying to end their friendship (he keeps saying things like, "I don't want things to change, exactly, but..." etc.) and is completely panicked. (I actually think that in universe Azi knows perfectly well that Crowley likes him, but for the sake of this headcanon we're ignoring that.)

This escalates for a bit until Azi finally gives up and just grabs him and kisses him.

Crowley then has a complete Error 404 moment.

Azi recognizes the lack of response, panics, and retreats, apologizing left right and center. He just has to stand there suffering for a hot second while Crowley remembers what his name is. Once Crowley's pulled himself together, he tries to say something, but Aziraphale is still kinda just babbling and won't listen, so he steps forward and takes Azi's face in his hands. Azi shuts up. Then he very slowly leans forward and kisses him. They kiss for a hot second.

When they break apart, Aziraphale says, so soft and sweet in the same voice he uses for smitten, "I love you, Crowley".

Crowley is just trying to convince himself that he's awake. "I love you, angel."

End scene.

10 reblogs and I'll write the fic

[b-h-art]

Time for my take on the "I forgive you"

Azi was trying so hard to convince Crowley to come back and be an angel right???? but Crowley- he can never go back there, never go back to that innocent being he was before he fell

But aziraphale doesnt realise that. He does not realise the fact that crowley's innocence was taken by heaven. he doesnt realise that crowley can never go back to that point because he has seen what heaven truly is- a corporal bs and a total hypocrite- that his innocence was destroyed the second he felt his angelic status be ripped apart from him, damning him eternally. just because he asked a few questions. Azira thinks crowley's innocence was destroyed by all the demonic deed he did. He thinks crowley is a demon because of all the things hell has forced crowley to do, even when it was apparent crowley himself didnt really want to do all of those.

So, when he told crowley-in ep6- that he forgives him? He's saying that he forgives all of Crowley's demonic deeds. He still thinks that all that differentiates Crowley from an angel are his demonic deeds that he was forced to do. And that Aziraphale forgives all of those deeds. That Crowley's innocence does not have to fall away his faith does not need to be destroyed, because to Aziraphale, Crowley only became a demon when he fell and had to do hell's dirty works. That they can go back to the way things were before, and this was his final, last effort to make Crowley see that there still is a way.to ease it all, to be together ,as angels, creating stars, doing good, just like before. And so he says he forgives Crowley for all the demonic deeds he has done, that they shall not ever be brought up because he thinks if he can just pretend that Crowley was never a demon then they can go back to the way it was before, Crowley never had to loose his innocence doing hell's dirty work. But Crowley only ever lost his blind faith when he saw the merciless judgement of God. And even if Aziraphale forgives all the things he did as a demon, even if they pretend Crowley never had to belong to hell, it does not matter.

"Don't bother"

[space-apples]

saying this on here because the azi hate is seriously (not a big deal, im a theatre kid and im being dramatic) driving me insane.

buckle up because i have fucking things to say <3.

good omens 2 spoilers ahead, obviously/lh

i hate the coffee theory. and before you click away, please read my post <33

i like the lie theory better, but i enjoy the integrity (for lack of a better word) of it being about religious trauma and how that affects different people.

azi is so religiously brainwashed that he still believes heaven can be good. he is an angel, he is good. but since he got kicked out, that meant he wasn’t good enough. as much as crowley sees and recognizes the things azi does, azi does the same for crowley. he sees and recognizes how good crowley is. he is so incredibly good that— in azi’s mind— it doesn’t make sense that he’s a demon.

additionally, he also sees that crowley is lonely. and azi is also lonely. and the whole point is that theyre lonely together. but if they both become angels, then they don’t have to be lonely, and they can be together.

we also know that azi knew crowley before he fell. he saw what could happen to him if he did something wrong. it’s why he is so worried about whether or not he’s doing good.

overtime, ofc, we see him growing into himself a little bit more because he’s no longer surrounded by heaven officials. but then a very powerful one— his boss’s boss— came up to him and said that he was the best. angel. for. the. job.

that he couldn’t think of a better angel than aziraphale. and he just wants to be good so badly. he wants to be with crowley so badly. and with this, he can have both.

i totally see it from crowley’s pov too— he’s been building up a relationship with the closest person he’s ever had. they were on the same side because they didn’t have a choice to do otherwise. and then azi actively chooses the very thing that was making both of them suffer and feel like they can never do anything right ever. like i definitely see why and see how crowley is upset. it’s justifiable. /gen

i dont think either of them are at fault here except for heaven and hell. i think all of this comes down to communication. and though i think azi should do the “you were right” song, i don’t inherently think that this is something he is at fault.

aziraphale is still operating in the good vs bad system, he hasn’t fully deprogramed his indoctrination. he’s trying to convince himself that he’s right. if the institution you were in your entire life ended up being bad for you, of course you wouldn’t believe it at first. azi is actively choosing between what he wants to do, and what he has to do. and since he is so fucking afraid of heaven and consequences of defying that, he would say yes.

he’s searching and hoping for validation— and his boss’s boss came up to him and it not only gave him that toxic validation, but it put him back into that “oh i can be / do good.”

but to crowley, aziraphale was saying, “i want to make you good enough for heaven.” and aziraphale was trying to say, “i want to make heaven good enough for you. i want to make myself good enough for you.”

and people are comparing azi to gabriel because ineffable bureaucracy (i just spent a very long time trying to spell that LMAO) happened in like a week, and it took our aziraphale more than 6000 years. to that, i am here to remind people that gabriel was probably contributing to the fears that aziraphale had, and he didn’t ever experience that type of trauma because the only people that were above him was the metatron and fucking god.

plus, this type of institution affects people variously and not every person reacts or behaves the same :):)

this whole thing is just how religious trauma affects people differently :):):):)

another reason why i hate the coffee theory is just because it undermines aziraphale’s intensely complex character. the end lol. i hope you have a great day <33

[thisbisexualbrainrot]

I just finished watching season 2 again for like the 4th or 5th time and we are forgetting when Azi hesitates when The Metatron asks if he’s ready to start(which is weird since he originally said take all the time you need which is SO SUSPICIOUS but anyway…)

First he’s like what about my bookshop and when that doesn’t get him out of it then he starts to say “I think I have to-“

“I think I have to decline” maybe?

He definitely has second thoughts, he has a panic about it that he’s pushing down and that elevator ride is him trying to convince himself he made the right choice

it’s so clear that the kiss ALMOST worked

[forgan-forge]

Aziraphale would rebuild heaven from the ground up for Crowley, but he didn’t realize that he was asking the love of his life to return to a place that wouldn’t change, even if he re-layed every brick himself. Heaven casted Crowley out, and they would do it again and again and again. Only Crowley knows what that felt like. He would never trust heaven again. Aziraphale was trying to convince him to return to a promise built on a lie. A foundation built on sand. Crowley knew this, he hoped Azi did as well. He was wrong.