#it's like an Autistic Thing and I don't understand how their brains are processing that info

[positivelyapunovexponent-good]

Okay why does this make so much sense???

I was diagnosed with autism when I was three years old and enrolled in an intensive ABA program, which attempted to use operant conditioning to train me out of acting autistic. One of the things that always confused me, reading over the ABA practitioner's notes decades later, is just how sweeping the category of "autistic problem behaviors" they were trying to extinguish in me was.

For instance, one such “autistic problem behavior” was my "reluctance to attend to non-preferred activities". When I was asked to do something I didn’t want to do, sometimes I would say 'no' or even cry before relenting and doing what I was told. Which is indeed uniquely disordered behavior, because neurotypical toddlers are famously obsequious angels who relish being ordered to do things they hate! (/sarcasm)

In all seriousness though, it's alarming that perfectly standard toddler stubbornness was something the ABA therapists felt they needed to condition out of me. It wasn't enough I learn to be indistinguishable from my non-autistic peers (which is already a messed up goal in its own right), the standard of “neurotypicality” I was told to aspire to seemed nothing short of being a perfectly obedient automaton. 

None of this made sense back when I thought neurotypicality was about normalcy. But it does now that I realize neurotypicality is, and always was, about control

it does more harm than good to prop up the myth of the ‘neurotypical’ who completes tasks cheerfully with no issues. this person is a capitalist fantasy. the more you define yourself in comparison to this myth the more you justify social structures staying the same with minor accommodations to the ‘exceptions’ and the continued pathologizing of discomfort under hostile conditions

[birdofmay]

What's the difference between nonverbal and nonspeaking?

I have posts about nonverbal autism, but none about the single topic "What's the difference between nonverbal and nonspeaking?" So this will be a handy linked blog entry for my pinned post.

All summed up: There is no real difference, it's a matter of preference. Please ask us what term we prefer and respect that choice. It's a sensitive topic because there has been a lot of discourse around it ☝🏼

Alright. First things first: Nonverbal is a medical term not exclusively for autism. In the medical field, "nonverbal" simply means that your speech is extremely impaired or fully absent. Yes, there are many meanings of "nonverbal", but this is what doctors mean. Did you know that there's nonverbal cerebral palsy too? (External link)

But let's focus on autism. Autistics who can't speak are said to have "nonverbal autism".

Discourse #1 - the mind is intact

There are many reasons why some autistics never learn to speak. One reason can be non-acquired apraxia (i.e. not due to a stroke, TBI, Alzheimer's, etc.), which leads to limited motor control. If it affects the mouth and throat only, individuals "know what they want to say", but their mouth doesn't cooperate. They either struggle to get words out clearly/don't get anything out at all, or their mouth seems to have "a mind of its own" - they say things they didn't want to say. If apraxia affects the whole body, this goes for actions too. Either they can't make their body do what they want to do (e.g. they want to point at a ball but their arm won't move) or their body does things they didn't want to do (e.g. they want to point at the ball but instead their finger points at the floor).

As you can imagine, this situation is really unfortunate when a therapist wants to test your intelligence. You can't get words out, so they ask you to show them what a triangle is. You know what a triangle is, but your body does its own thing. You point at the circle instead of the triangle, and your therapist concludes that you don't understand simple instructions. They assume intellectual disability. You're misunderstood all your life and everyone thinks that you can't learn to communicate, that you don't understand language. You're frustrated.

Luckily, at some point some people realised that these autistics CAN learn to communicate and in fact are very capable and understand language just fine. That was when apraxic autistics talked about this misunderstanding online. They talked about how they were mistreated and underestimated, that people should always "presume competence". They coined a new term for themselves: "Nonspeaking". In their opinion, "nonverbal" doesn't describe their experience and makes it sound like they can't learn to read or write. "My mind is intact, I can make intelligent choices about my life!" (External link)

Sounds good? Well, it may be surprising to know that most of us on Tumblr who can't speak either don't mind being called "nonverbal" or actively prefer nonverbal over nonspeaking. How can that be?

Discourse #2 - the mind isn't always intact

There are other reasons why some autistics never learn how to speak. Most of the time, in contrast to "nonspeaking self-advocates", we do struggle to understand language and our mind is not "intact". We have language disorders, brain damage, slow processing speed, often ID. The latter is why most of us aren't on any social media. My ability to communicate isn't average for us, it's an exception!

When the "say nonspeaking" wave reached Tumblr, I think at first most of us who are on social media liked that idea. We spread awareness about how terminology is a preference thing, that "nonspeaking" is about overcoming years of mistreatment and about empowerment. That some of us think that "nonverbal" sounds like we can't communicate and can't understand language, when that's not true. But, as I said, most autistics who never learned how to speak aren't online and therefore can't participate in this discourse. "Nonspeaking self-advocates", on the other hand, are on social media and love to participate. But they are a minority among those who can't speak.

The result? At some point it got a little ableist. The mindset "We are intelligent and understand language" turned into "You guys with ID and language disorders make us look bad" and THAT turned into speaking over and ignoring us. Or harassing even. "You have to call yourself nonspeaking, otherwise you're a bad person!" and so on. We responded "No, you say you're intelligent and your mind is intact. Good for you, but ours isn't. You erase our existence and we don't relate to your experience. We don't identify with your word." It was worse on other platforms, at some point the term "nonspeaking supremacist" was coined similar to "aspie supremacist".

Discourse #3 - free interpretation of a term that's NOT loosely defined??!

And last year, a really strange thing happened: Speaking autistics somehow mixed up the "To me personally, nonverbal sounds like I can't learn to communicate and don't understand language at all" and incorrectly informed others "So there's a difference between nonverbal and nonspeaking. Nonspeaking means that you can't speak and nonverbal means that you also can't communicate in other ways".

They took it as a fact and informed us that we "by definition" actually are nonspeaking because we can communicate via text. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I repeat: Most of us who can't speak aren't on social media. So this misinformation again spread everywhere because we weren't enough, we weren't loud enough. We can't ever be loud enough because, exactly: Most of us aren't on social media.

Now we weren't harassed by fellow nonverbal/nonspeaking autistics, nope, NOW suddenly speaking autistics from ALL over the world tried to inform us that we shouldn't call ourselves nonverbal - NOT aware that by now "nonspeaking" got a slightly ableist connotation in the process 😵

Here's an example of how wild things were last year...

And that's not enough: Suddenly everyone assumed that autistics who can't speak due to apraxia MUST call themselves nonspeaking because that's where the movement started. No, even apraxic autistics sometimes prefer "nonverbal", and they have every right to do so!

As things are now...

So, that's why most of us on Tumblr prefer nonverbal. Oh, and by the way:

Whenever someone isn't aware of this and makes a "To me, nonverbal means..." post, all I think is "Oh, not again, please not again", and I see this war flashback meme in my mind's eye 😅

Every "To me, nonverbal means..." post that ends with "And that's why I prefer nonspeaking" has the potential to get loud and start this harassment and misinformation all over.

Every new post that tries to define nonverbal and nonspeaking could start this all over again.

Because nonspeaking supremacists are very very loud. And speaking autistics are usually very very uninformed about us. And most nonverbal/nonspeaking autistics aren't on any social media.

[canisxx]

Hey chat! I decided that I don't care if you care or not, I'll post it anyway. Because I'm a scientist nerd, and a TF2 fan.

So here you go, my theory on how the respawn machine actually works.

⚠️It'll be a lot of reading and you need half of a braincell to understand it.

The Respawn Machine can recreate a body within minutes, complete with all previous memories and personality, as if the person never died. We all know this, but I doubt many have thought about how it actually works.

Of course, such a thing is impossible in real life (at least for now), but we’re talking about a game where there’s magic and mutant bread, so it’s all good.

But being an autistic dork, I couldn’t help but start searching for logical and scientific explanations for how this machine might work. How the hell does it actually function? So, I spent hours of my life on yet another useless big brain time.

In the context of the Respawn Machine, the idea is that the technology can instantly create a new mercenary body, identical to the original. This body must be ready for use immediately after the previous one’s death. To achieve this, the cloning process, which in real life takes months or even years, would need to be significantly accelerated. This means the machine is probably powered by a freaking nuclear reactor, or maybe even Australium.

My theory is that this machine is essentially a massive 3D printer capable of printing biological tissues. But how? You see, even today, people can (or are trying to) recreate creatures that lived millions of years ago using DNA. By using the mercenary’s DNA, which was previously loaded into the system, the machine could recreate a perfect copy.

However, this method likely wouldn’t be able to perfectly recreate the exact personality and all the memories from the previous body. I believe the answer lies in neuroscience.

For the Respawn Machine to restore the mercenary’s consciousness and memories, it would need to be capable of recording and preserving the complete structure of the brain, including all neural connections, synapses, and activity that encode personality and memory. This process is known as brain mapping. After creating a brain map, this data could be stored digitally and then transferred to the new body.

“Okay, but how would you transfer memories that are dated right up until the moment of death? The mercenaries clearly remember everything about their previous death.”

Well, I have a theory about that too!

Neural interfaces! Inside each mercenary’s head could be an implant (a nanodevice) that reads brain activity before death and updates a digital copy of the memories. This system operates at the synaptic level, recording changes in the structure of neurons that occur as memories are formed. After death, this data could be instantly transferred to the new body via a quantum network.

Once the data is uploaded and the brain is synchronized with the new body, the mercenary’s consciousness "awakens." Ideally, the mercenary wouldn’t notice any break in consciousness and would remember everything that happened right up to the moment of death.

However… there are also questions regarding potential negative consequences.

Can the transfer of consciousness really preserve all aspects of personality, or is something inevitably lost in the process?

Unfortunately, nothing is perfect, and there’s a chance that some small memories might be lost—like those buried in the subconscious. Or the person’s personality might become distorted. Maybe that’s why they’re all crazy?

How far does the implant’s range extend? Does the distance between the mercenary and the machine affect the accuracy of data transfer?

My theory is that yes, it does. The greater the distance, the fewer memories are retained.

Could there be deviations in the creation of the body itself?

Yes, there could be. We saw this in "Emesis Blue," which led to a complete disaster. But let’s assume everything is fine, and the only deviations are at most an extra finger (or organ—not critical, Medic would only be happy about that).

Well, these are just my theories and nothing more. I’m not a scientist; I’m an amateur enthusiast with a lot of time on my hands. My theories have many holes that I can’t yet fill due to a lack of information.

[itsaspectrumcomic]

i’m curious how common this is.

even before i realized i could be autistic, id have horribly delayed emotional reactions. like, unless it was big enough to get through my brain within some minutes, it’d usually take hours to process emotionally and i wouldn’t react emotionally until way later. in the moment, id react but in a way where it was obviously logic driven and there was barely any emotional response. thoughts!

Yep I also do this, it can take me ages to register how I feel about something that's happened, good or bad, and I don't always react in a way that makes sense to others. It can be part of alexithymia which is when a person has difficulty identifying or understanding their emotions, and also I think it's because autistic people tend to process things in a different way to non autistic people. Often we actually take in a LOT more information at once because we can't filter things out in the same way - which means it can take longer to process everything!

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Things about being a Christian I've had to unlearn as an adult:

Spending a lot of time on/ being invested in something doesn't make it an idol. This is not how that works, bestie. Look. I get that the advice "if you spend more time on x hobby than you do reading the Bible and praying" is well-intentioned, but it's just plain Bad. There are a lot of hobbies that take significant amounts of time. Art. Writing. Trade hobbies, like woodworking. I spent two hours Saturday putting in a garden (now that I have space for one!), and not spending two hours and one minute on Bible reading doesn't mean that gardening is now an idol for me. It means I got into a groove and just kept going (and got terribly sunburned for my trouble). What makes something an idol is NOT how much time you spend on it but rather the importance you place upon it. Sometimes important things take five minutes and sometimes they take an hour; the thing that took five minutes isn't less important because it took up less of your time. If your thought process is "this is more important than spending time with God", that is what makes your hobby an idol. (If you are constantly foregoing your time with God in favor of a hobby, then I'd say you need to re-evaluate your priorities, but spending a lot of time on something does not inherently make it an idol. Not to mention that a lot of hobbies can still bring you closer to God despite not spending that time intentionally for that purpose.)

Not having your "quiet time"/ devotions every day does not make you a "bad" Christian. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous point, and there's a lot I could say on this topic, but what it boils down to is this: God understands our human limits and the brains He gave us that sometimes make it difficult -- autism and ADHD and OCD and [fill in the blank]. I'm autistic. So when (well-meaning) people say things like, "you can't get to know God if you don't spend time with Him!" about praying and reading the Bible -- well, 'spending time' looks different for me. Socializing is difficult for me. And while socializing with God is obviously different than with people, praying is still far more mentally draining for me than for most people (especially growing up in an environment where it was implied that you have to 'say the right things' when you pray instead of just allowing it to be a conversation, but that's the next point). A lot of "socializing" for me is simply being present with someone else. This is called "parallel play": you're doing your own thing in the same space as someone else while they are also doing their own thing. This...doesn't translate well to Christianity and what Christianity is "supposed" to look like, unfortunately, so I constantly felt shame that none of the common advice worked for me when it seemed to work for everyone else. Set a time? Executive dysfunction makes switching tasks hard and once that set time has passed, "well, it's too late now". Having a reading plan? I'd miss a day, fall behind, and the shame at that would keep me from continuing to try. And when I did manage to stay on track, quite often it simply became a box to check off and that was it. So, now, I do what I can, when I can. I always get more out of it, and I think God cares more about that than sticking to a plan just so you can say you read every day anyway.

"Don't script your prayers! They'll become repetitive and you won't think about or mean them!" Oh, boy. Once again, I get the well-intentioned meaning here. You don't want your prayers to become rote and stale. But as someone with high anxiety, scripting them is the only way I can survive praying aloud with other people, and, in fact, it means I put more thought into them, not less! But hearing this kind of advice coupled with an environment where it was implied you had to say 'the right things, the right way' was absolutely detrimental to my prayer life growing up. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, especially as an undiagnosed autistic who was constantly, ya know, saying the wrong things in conversations with people. So I definitely didn't want to say the wrong things to God! But... I also wasn't allowed to plan what to say? How was I supposed to pray then? So I just. didn't pray. For a very long time. Until I learned its just as perfectly okay to talk to God about whatever crosses your mind while you're standing at the sink doing dishes as it is sitting down with a list of things to focus on. (Not to mention that this really is just...terrible advice in general. Kudos to my pastor, who, in his current Sunday night series on worship, actually gave a tutorial on how to personalize praying the Psalms. So, you know, pre-written prayers.)

Purity Culture. Need I say more? Oh, I could write a whole post about how harmful this is, but plenty of people already have, so I'll leave it at this: I wear what I am comfortable wearing now. Something I love about my church is that our philosophy on modesty is this: The greatest sin of immodesty is saying "look at me" instead of "look at God." In other words, modest isn't about what you're wearing so much as what your attitude about what you're wearing is. If you choose what to wear because you want people to notice and stare and give you compliments, then that is immodest no matter how much of your skin is covered up. It's not immodest to wear clothes you like and that you think are attractive (or that help you look professional when its called for), but ultimately your mindset is really not about "dressing to impress." (There is a very thin line between 'modest' and 'immodest' and its not where most people think it is.)

[cripplecharacters]

I'm probably not going to word this perfectly and I apologize.

Is it possible or realistic for a character (moderate-high support needs autism) to have a few words he can say easily but a bigger vocabulary when given time to think about it? He can say five words as easily as someone who's fully verbal can, saying those five words is pretty much effortless (things like yes or no.) But, if he's given time to put his thoughts into words, he has a decent vocabulary, his words just come out slow, quiet, and he stutters, pauses, and trails off a lot. He doesn't really think in words, if that makes sense, he's an extremely visual thinker, and trying to make the way he thinks translate into words takes effort. (This language thing also applies to sign language. He's going to get an AAC tablet.)

Is this a realistic thing, or a thing that can happen? If so, is there a word for it?

Hi asker,

This can definitely be realistic; however, I encourage you to think about why your character has a difficult time speaking, generally. This might affect how realistic the scenario is, but it can also give you some more insight into your character and why they speak the way they do.

Is it because he has trouble with motor planning, like in apraxia of speech? This means that their brain has a more difficult in actually getting to move the muscles needed to speak, but they know/can think of the words. This might be the more realistic explanation; many autistic people have apraxia of speech. In this case, the couple words your protagonist can reliably say take less motor planning, and/or he has practiced saying them enough times that he has created those motor pathways in his brain.

Is it because he has trouble with language in general? Many autistic people have trouble with receptive and/or expressive language itself not because of motor planning, but because of issues actually processing language. Think about how when you learn a second language, a lot of times it's much easier to understand some things said to you (receptive language) than actually coming up with things to say (expressive language). This can also work, especially since you mention he's a visual thinker. The more trouble he has with language itself, the less realistic your scenario becomes.

I don't think there specifically is a definitive word for it, but here is an article from AssistiveWare, an AAC company, describing intermittent, unreliable, insufficient, and expensive speech. One or more of these might apply to your character.

I like that he'll be getting an AAC device, by the way!

Hope this helps,

mod sparrow

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for calling a nineteen-year-old character a kid?

(For context, I (19FtM) am autistic and they refused to elaborate on anything and never asked anything clearly.)

I have an RP character with his own blog, and on that blog I wrote a post from his POV, where he called himself a kid and implored an institution in the fandom (SCP Foundation) to treat him like a person. I had just turned 19 at the time and still considered myself a kid and the adults in my life considered people my age (18-20) to be children who could vote. I know a bit about brain development and had been taught that mental maturation is a physical process. The character is immortal (born 1349) but, because his brain can't age, he's still got the physical brain structure of an eighteen-year-old guy. He's still mentally eighteen and will always be mentally eighteen.

For the next three hours, I was bombarded by anons telling me how creepy that was and that I shouldn't have done this. I didn't understand and defended my choice. I talked about brain development (they instantly turned this into "the character is brain-damaged" and when I said he wasn't but mentioned that I am, they started being pretty ableist about that.) I also mentioned that both the character and I don't do anything with minors and find even the thought to be disgusting (they were calling my use of the word kid to somehow be paedophilic,) and they said that sounded like something a paedo would say. To my knowledge, I did nothing other than call this character a kid and defended it by pointing out the ways 18 is an adolescent and that neither of us were doing anything harmful with it.

There were a few minor issues the anons never directly mentioned (he makes his own medication because he doesn't trust other people not to drug him and because his metabolism is significantly enhanced, they didn't like this. They didn't like him being a level 6 mutant but I think I should be allowed to write a level 6 mutant. Two of his children are white, but all of his children are adopted. He has a husband who is immortal and 19. He uses a name not from his culture, meaning not Aztec, because he survived the Aztec genocide and chose a new one to fly under the radar, which I guess is a fair point but they never addressed that directly.) But almost all asks were about the age thing. They got progressively angrier and started calling me a paedo for calling him a kid, and they told me to end my own life.

When I asked one of the people involved in the discourse (part of the RP community I had reached out to immediately before this all went down,) she was weird. She insisted I should know why calling him a kid was creepy and refused to elaborate. She claimed they had been far more direct about the other issues, but I had a maximum of one ask per issue and none of them even directly called it an issue. I made an apology post even though I still didn't understand what I'd done and she said it just made the issues worse.

At this point, I made a "screw an apology I'm not sorry for anything" post criticizing the hours of hatred and told them to block me, then disabled anon.

Clearly I'm missing something, but they refused to tell me what I was missing and they told me to end my life. Is it really so wrong for a fictional 18-year-old to call himself a kid? If so, can one of you please explain why?

What are these acronyms?

[lillie98]

An excerpt from a Fic I wrote a while ago centering on Autistic!Mike. I wrote it from my perspective as a late-diagnosed female who found euphoria and purpose from this one little word. I hope you take the time to read it and understand the life-changing power of diagnosis. Autism is not a tragedy. Rather, it is a difference in the Human Condition that deserves celebration.

"Hey…Will, I almost forgot. I need to tell you something important". Will immediately flinches awake and startles, scanning the room for threats.

"What? Is something wrong? Are you okay?"

"No, nothing's wrong," Mike assures him, running his hand down Will's cheek. Embarrassment and shame course through him. He wishes Will’s nervous system didn’t overreact this way. He speaks quietly and clearly, emphasizing his words. "I'm okay. We’re safe.” Will leans into Mike’s touch and anchors himself in the present. He is safe, Mike is safe, and they are together. His eyes slip closed as he takes a few steadying breaths. He then shifts to his side to see Mike better, turning on the small lamp on the nightstand and propping himself up on his elbow. Tears prick the corners of Mike’s eyes as he stares at the ceiling, steeling himself for anticipated rejection. Will places his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

"Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me, okay?” he reassures Mike. “We'll work through it together. You know how much I love you.” Will's words ease Mike's racing heart. Here goes nothing.

"I talk to Robin a lot–just like you–but we don't just talk about boyfriends. We…we talk about…other things, too.”

"What kinds of other things?" Will probes. Mike swallows hard.

"We…we talk about…fuck, this is tough….about my…my brain.” He can't believe he said it. He can almost feel Will slipping away, but his boyfriend stares baffled. They talk about Mike’s brain? What about his brain? The last time Will checked, Mike's brain was perfect. Why does this involve Robin? Mike cannot make eye contact. Will green eyes stare directly into his soul. If he looks back, he will lose his sanity. His hands white knuckle the sheets–anything to ground himself. Despite every cell in his body telling him to abort the mission, Mike forces himself to continue. If Will decides to leave him, he deserves to at least know the truth.

"My brain is…different from most people's.” Mike’s not sure how to explain this without sounding completely insane. “I have difficulty connecting with people and holding on to relationships. I'm blunt and straightforward, and people think I'm rude. That's why making friends is hard for me. People don't understand how to interact with me.” The words are slow and halted, forced out like a reluctant child. Will hangs on every one. He has yet to see the whole picture but will keep listening until he does. Mike continues as bile creeps into his throat.

"I also struggle with change. I need routine and structure; it keeps me safe. When that structure changes, it takes me longer to adjust. Like when you and El moved away, or Max joined our Party.” Words come faster now. He’s held this pain inside for too long. “I don't understand why things change and how everyone moves on while I'm stuck in this perpetual loop. I get scared that everything will change because one thing is changing, and it’s too much to handle. I don't want to be hostile, but my brain tells me to protect myself. Routines also help me not feel overwhelmed by the world. Everything is loud…and bright…and fast. It's terrifying.” Tears spill out, emotions too much to contain. “If I stick to my routine, some of that stuff fades into the background. But as soon as it changes, that all comes rushing back in. My body shuts down, and I can’t stop it. I lose control, and it's scary, Will. It's…It's so scary!"

Mike breaks down and rolls into his boyfriend’s waiting arms. Guilt consumes Will as he processes Mike’s words—He had no idea. How has Mike survived this long—kept this pain lodged deep inside himself as it slowly consumed him? How did he not notice his best friend, the love of his life, was drowning? Will rubs deep circles into Mike’s back, attempting to ground him. He wishes Mike had told him sooner. He would have helped him through it, been there for him when it was all too much. How did he miss it? Something so central to Mike's being unknown to the people he loves most. Will's mind drifts back to their childhoods when Mike would fall apart on the floor. Will would hold and rock him until he calmed down–not dissimilarly to what he did last week at the hospital. Then it clicks. Mike is describing those moments. Nights spent on the kitchen floor crying over a scratchy shirt tag or "wrong foods" touching. He got angry because Will canceled plans they made a week ago, even though his PTSD flared up and he was too weak to go out. Will’s head swirles with examples, and each one makes more sense than the last. He holds Mike's face, wiping tears with his thumbs.

"Mike, I understand. I see how scary those moments are for you. I may not feel what you feel, but I see your pain, and that’s enough. You are not broken, and there is nothing wrong with you. Do you understand me?" Mike tearfully nods. Will’s voice shakes, but he needs Mike to understand. "I love you so much, and I am honored you feel safe enough to share this part of yourself with me. I will always be here to help you, just like you help me. We need each other, and I am so thankful to have you in my life. I do have a question, though. Does it have a name, and why do you discuss it with Robin? Isn't that something a doctor tells you?"

Mike laughs at Will's innocent questions. "You should talk about it with a doctor, but most don't know much about it. It's called autism, and I talk about it with Robin because she has it, too. She's the one who saw it in me. The first time she explained it…I cried, Will. I had never heard a word describe me so perfectly.” As he remembers the moment, new tears form, and a smile radiates through his body. “It was like…I had a missing piece, and Robin found it. She unlocked me. I finally have permission to be myself. All of these struggles, all of this pain, it's real. It has a name. I've never felt this way, and I want you to know so you can feel it, too. I love you so much, Will.”

Autism. Will rolls the word around in his mind. He's never heard it before, but it makes sense. It explains Mike. His bluntness, his temper, his everything. He pulls Mike close and hugs him tightly, tears mingling in their embrace as they celebrate the moment. It is not sad. Instead, it is euphoric.

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

Ever since I saw that you like zhongtham... the idea has been living rent free on my head, thanks for build this roman empire in my brain lmao so...... TELL ME MORE, what are your thoughts on their relationship? how the people around them react to their relationship??

(of course, only if you want to, I hope you have a nice day!!)

oh god

ultimately i think what they both need is understanding? in the sense that- both have very specific experiences in their day-to-day lives that aren't exactly the common shared experience between most other people. zhongli is a fucking eons-long being and alhaitham is not neurotypical. like he's autistic, idk how else we want to put it, that's what he is. zhongli, meanwhile, by virtue of not being a human and not having a strictly human way of processing the world, cannot be autistic since- again, not human. but this does make him autistic-coded, if that makes any sense. my man despises slimy foods on the basis of the texture (yes, this comes from trauma, but what bothers him is still the texture. that's coding). he's not human so he has different sensory experiences, probably more acute than humans. he's been described as a blockhead. he seems like he'd have a very specific routine he follows. he's very exacting on his field of expertise. the whole 'haha no mora no wallet' situation comes from the fact that his brain is still logically thinking he can just make mora (which, given everything, is a perfectly valid thing to still be hung up on), and so he forgets his money because his mind insists the way of the world is that he can just make it - but he can't anymore, and for an arbitrary reason, too. he's the literal god of contracts: what are contracts if not a parameter of very logical pre-established rules you have to follow? and he doesn't bend on those contracts, because he's of the mindset that if you made them in the first place, you knew what you were getting into, so what's the problem. all combined, and added with the fact that he's not human, and you cannot call him neurotypical. because he just does not function to match human standards of what 'neurotypical' even is.

so like- we don't know that they've met in canon, but we have decent reason to believe it's a very real possibility. the same way you could say gaming and ganyu have probably either met or seen each other at least once despite neither ever mentioning the other or appearing together on screen, because- well, he handles a delivery agency, she works for the qixing, they live in the same city, they're both familiar with cloud retainer, ganyu moves around a lot and knows a lot of people, and gaming seems pretty social. you get what i mean, right? in that same sense, i think it's perfectly possible for alhaitham and zhongli to have met at some point. granted nowhere near as probable as two people actually living in the same city, but notable enough nonetheless: alhaitham knows twenty languages, for that quota to exist i have to assume that each nation has at least their own unique language (since they all seem to speak the same thing in-game, tho, i can only translate that as all nations having their unique writing script- which they do). idk how many languages you could pull out of regional dialects in teyvat, but the most logical and easiest and obvious thing to do here if you were told to go learn 20 languages to graduate is to first go for the main most spoken languages and then fill in the gaps w regional dialects or more obscure no-longer-spoken ancient dialects. so we stand to reason alhaitham must know liyuean (?) right? and unless he learned it from within the confines of sumeru (which is possible tbf), then he must've traveled to liyue in order to learn the damn language. with liyue having quite the decently-preserved history, he might've picked other regional dialects up since they'd be easier to study next to like- idk, an obscure old language from mondstadt or smth. so if you're a student in liyue on a quest for knowledge trying to learn the language and possibly other obscure dialects, who are you going to go after? fellow scholars. what do all fucking scholars in liyue do when people have highly-specific needs and questions? point to fucking zhongli. so you get where the idea comes from. you can't tell me its completely implausible (for a headcanon) for zhongli and alhaitham to have met at some point, not the same way i'd raise eyebrows at like- headcanoning candace and zhongli having met based solely on in-game info. or- ei and sigewinne. y'know?

so like- alhaitham needs to learn liyuean (+ maybe other regional dialects bc 20 sounds like quite a lot for 7 nations, 8 if you count khaenri'ah), he goes to liyue, he gets to learning and then runs into the roadblock of not many scholars being familiar enough with ancient dialects for him to become fluent in them from their input alone, so the scholars are like 'yeah dw we know a guy, he's super knowledgable' and so they point him to zhongli, zhongli is like 'yea sure i can teach you, what do you need?'. idk how long it'd take alhaitham to learn liyuean (+ whatever else), but i'd assume he'd bunker down in liyue for most of that time. so let's say like- 6 months, and it counts as like a 'foreign languages' course where haravatat students get given money and are shipped off to learn (bear in mind 6 months sounds like stupid little to become fluent in an entire language let alone possibly a few others, but we'll just assume alhaitham is a prodigy (he seems to be) + since it's not a whole language and just a script, then it can be done).

so he stays in liyue for a while. i'd guess learning from zhongli most of that while. they're two guys who like peace and quiet and reading and investigating and they're both rather knowledgable (the gap is obviously abyssmal but still). you can imagine them just- going to a tea house and sitting down with tea for hours on end in amiable silence and quiet grammar exercises. i cannot see them not getting along. alhaitham is practical and so is zhongli, zhongli has a lot to say but it's always with purpose and informative and for a reason, and alhaitham is just happy to absorb knowledge. alhaitham is effective and to the point and zhongli (a battle general) would probably be perfectly happy rolling with it and being effective and to the point in turn. maybe they start having lunch together some days (zhongli does seem to do that with acquaintances a lot so it's not strange of him) and alhaitham just doesn't want any stewy soups and zhongli doesn't question it bc he's the one asking chef mao to dice and slice his fish into oblivion. sumeru is big on spices so alhaitham would probably have no problems whatsoever w the jueyun chilli. he'd also probably pick up on using chopsticks easily enough bc he's a perfectionist. zhongli would realise like two seconds into their introductions that alhaitham can hear him perfectly loud and clear w the headgear on and never bother commenting on it at all. alhaitham would also probably clock zhongli's more acute senses two seconds in and be relieved he doesn't have to raise his voice around people for no reason all the time. catch the patrons at the tea houses being confused and mildly unsettled by the two guys on the corner table just mumbling stuff to the other with a pile of books between them lmao

i cannot see their relationship being like- exciting in the sense that big shocking things happen. i just think they're both too smart and good at communicating w each other that shit like that just wouldn't catch them off guard. alhaitham would probably hear about legends of the adepti throughout his stay in liyue and quietly figure mr zhongli might be an adeptus but never bother saying anything because why should he care about what mr zhongli is? it's not his business, and it doesn't make him not-mr zhongli. so it's whatever. i also don't think any drama would pop up 🤷‍♂️ again they're too smart and hypercompetent for any misunderstandings to appear. by virtue of both of them being non-neurotypical they'd also understand each other in particular ways, so they'd easily be able to figure out any stuff and sand off any rough edges. it wouldn't be an exciting ship, it wouldn't be a ship full of ups and downs and drama and twists and turns and spice and oh the romance of it all. they both strike me as ace af and if not aro then absolutely somewhere in the spectrum, alhaitham more than zhongli.

but i'm an absolute sucker for non-verbal comunication and quiet understanding and an almost telepathic camraderie that would be so funny from the outside so i just think they'd be a delight. like the perfect team. they get each other, they're both smart, they're both strong (again, the gap is abyssmal). absolute academic weapons the both of them. catch someone being an ass about a contract and zhongli just staring disappointed and alhaitham next to him equally disappointed but listing off every single reason why they're being stupid about it also. zhongli's a bit too nice to say any of that stuff aloud but you can't tell me he wasn't running a constant 'chat are you seeing this shit?' in his head during his first story quest w kliment. alhaitham knows he's already got the 'freak' reputation so he just goes 'well if you want to keep digging i'm happy to hand you a shovel'.

as for other characters' reactions to them- i'd have to sit and think about them? idk how the liyue gang would react bc idk how they'd work in a canon setting? i can't see zhongli leaving liyue and i can't see alhaitham leaving sumeru either. if i had to pick one, alhaitham seems more likely for like- leave sumeru for plot reasons. and then go 'okay fuck this' and go to zhongli like 'you're the only bitch i respect in this house'. but outside of plot contrivances, hu tao does send zhongli off on random errands? so maybe he could pop up in sumeru from time to time. idk how the liyue gang would get to meet alhaitham then but if there is one character that absolutely gets to meet zhongli is kaveh bc the man is almost everywhere alhaitham is + they literally live together.

i think it would be fucking hilarious. like alhaitham: oh yeah a friend is coming over btw. don't be weird about it kaveh: why would i be weird about it what are you on kaveh: ... kaveh: ... kaveh: a what alhaitham: a friend kaveh: what alhaitham: i don't think the bimarstan is open at this hour if you got something in your ear kaveh: what friend kaveh: you don't have friends kaveh: ...you can just say nilou alhaitham: ??? zhongli: hello kaveh: who- what. what- who are you alhaitham: a friend from liyue. the one i said was coming over. like five minutes ago kaveh: what zhongli: is he alright alhaitham: he's never been alright, dw about him. the study is this way

[perplexingluciddreams]

An exploration of gender as a nonverbal autistic

This is going to be an attempt at expressing my feelings about my own gender and queerness, as a nonverbal autistic with language difficulties, low awareness of the world around me, barely any sense of self, and so many other things that affect my ability to understand and be aware of the concept of gender and sexuality to begin with.

I tried to write this like a properly structured essay, but because my thoughts are so disorganised in general (and I have so many thoughts on this topic), I couldn’t manage that. So, I have decided to present this as if it is a collection of journal entries; that is basically what this is, in truth! You will just have to experience the disorganisation in a similar way to how I experience my own mind. The most organising I was able to do was split it up into some categories, to make it slightly easier for you, reading this. Some things that I wrote could fit into more than one category, but this is how I chose to divide it up.

I have written a lot about the words I use to describe the way I feel, how I choose those words, and how that has changed over time. My delays in certain areas of development, and the other ways my various disabilities affect me, have a significant impact on the ways I have come to understand my gender identity and the internal (and partially external) process I went through to get to where I am now.

I have no doubt that things will continue to shift and change and as a result, the way I define myself in different contexts will also change. This is just my first attempt at getting a lot of this out of my brain and into words, for other people to read.

I wrote this is many fragments, so it doesn’t flow or connect, and there may be some repetition. Each paragraph may have been written at a completely different time, and therefore doesn’t relate to the last paragraph, or the next. Some of this is just stand-alone statements, some is longer examinations of my feelings. But all of it is true to my experience of the world and of queerness.

I have never been able to express the majority of this before, so I think it is pretty good for a first attempt!

**Note: I make a reference to having speech at a point in my life. I am nonverbal due to late autism regression, and grew up semiverbal with very unreliable speech, and language issues. I had very poor communication.**

Here we go!

I am inserting a “read more” here because this is very long. Really, very long.

Part 1 - The Words

I don't really think of myself as a man or a woman, or a boy or a girl. I have called myself a transsexual man before, simply because that is the clearest way to explain to someone where I'm coming from and where I'm headed. But I don't particularly like the word "man" to describe myself. I like the word boy, just because the word is nice. But that doesn't mean I am insistent on people calling me a boy. 

I choose the words I use for myself simply from what I like the sound or feel of the most. The last thing I want is to be boxed in, though. I only use labels as descriptors, to explain to other people - they are a tool to communicate something, not a set of limits and boundaries to put on myself.

I know a lot of people might read this and think "that sounds like nonbinary", but I don't use that word. Again, simply because I don't like the way it sounds or feels when i read/write/hear it. And yes, I suppose I do exist outside the conventional binary, but that would be the case regardless of whether I was transsexual or not, because of my autism. So that is not something that needs to be labeled in my opinion (for me personally). Because the conventional binary is not something that exists in my experience of the world.

I hate that there's one set of accepted terminology to label queerness - such a fluid and complex piece of identity - and that I am even more "other" if I choose to say that I AM female, I WAS a girl. I don't like the word transgender unless it is being used as a verb - transing gender. I like the word transsexual because it describes something I will DO (top surgery, eventually). And partly because of how it sounds and the pattern of typing it on a keyboard.

My gender is what I DO, not what I AM. Gender as a verb.

Socially, changing my name and pronouns is much more connected to my barely-there sense of self, and past trauma. I needed to start again, because I felt that my life had changed completely (and it *had*). I like he/him pronouns because they sound different to how i was always referred to growing up. And they simply sound nicer. 

Even though I don't understand most of the social stuff that comes with gender stuff, I still have positive and negative connections to certain gender-related things. And relating to the way I was raised - it still affects me, even though I can't grasp the complexity of how and why.

I enjoy the fact that I am fucking with gender, fucking with expectations. I am a female that is also a boy. I love the contradiction.

I still call myself female, because if people really mean it when they say "gender and sex is separate", then "female" does not mean "girl" or "woman".

Most words I used to describe myself as a child were put on me by other people. I used to repeat them over and over in my mind, as if to explain to myself that that's what I am. Especially my own name. I felt that if I just repeated it enough then maybe those words would stick and feel real. They never did. I don't know what words I would use to describe myself now, but I don't think I need to know. I'm just me. No words are needed for that.

When I just exist as myself in the world, words are barely relevant. My world is so sensory-based and rich in sensations that there's no point even trying to put words to it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with creating new words for things that already have words to describe them, language is constantly evolving and different people will have different experiences that they want to describe in different ways. However, I don't think it is useful to argue for stopping the usage of "outdated" terms, as there are always going to be people who prefer those terms. Not all people are going to agree on a word that they find most fitting or appropriate, even in one community.

I try my best to examine my feelings about myself and what causes a good reaction in me and what causes bad reaction in me. And then I use whatever words I have to try and explain it as best as I can.

Often the words I have are not enough and either I cannot communicate something at all, or I try and it is inaccurate and/or inadequate.

It is very difficult for me to put such abstract thoughts/concepts/feelings into words, I lack the language for that and often also the awareness - there is so many steps to communicating something for me. For example, most people have the automatic urge to communicate things, and know that option is always there. For me, it takes mental work to even remember other people exist and I am capable of interaction with them. And of course after that follows so much more work to do the actual communicating.

For years I thought of the words "transgender" and "transsexual" as off limits. "Those are the things I am not allowed to be".

A lot of words have shaky definitions and that makes it hard for me to even understand what they mean, never mind use them to describe myself.

I would often rather use a phrase, or a paragraph, to describe myself, rather than a singular word. I really don't want to be misunderstood. 

I think that the way I experience gender cannot be put into words, and it certainly can't be labeled with one thing. I'm just grateful to have the opportunity to even try and communicate these things, and to explore it openly in the first place. Because of course I would still explore it inside my own head, even if I didn't have the words or couldn't tell anybody - I was already doing that, before I had access to all this new language.

I know a lot of people don't like the word "tomboy", but since I was a kid I've always really liked it. It brings to mind a mental image of young girls (in a time when clothing for men and women was much more separated) dressing up in boys clothes, boys school uniform, and the feeling of freedom from that. I always wished people would call me a tomboy when I was a kid.

I had a feeling of "oh, that's what I want to be when I grow up", when I first learnt of what butch is. Even though I am not sure at all of my sexuality, because that relates to other people and I am never sure how I relate to other people, or if that’s even possible, especially in a romantic or sexual way.

The words I use will always be slightly "out of date", or "not right", because of the time it takes my brain to catch up with everything. I will never find words to properly describe myself in a way that feels fully correct. I live in a world of my own that doesn't need words, only the acknowledgement of a feeling inside my own head. However, that is not very useful when trying to communicate things to other people.

Some words just taste and sound like defiance.

Part 2 - My Physical Existence

With puberty, I had so much discomfort with the change in my body, not only because it felt as if I was developing wrong, but also because of age and developmental stage - I felt it was too early, I was not ready for that. Big changes are bad.

I do have dysphoria, but only really around my chest, and the way people refer to me (which is also complicated and related to trauma). And other than that, I don't care a lot about how I am viewed, as long as I feel free to express myself however I want.

Aside from my chest, I am comfortable being female. I like having a vulva (as much as it intrigues me about what having a penis is like), I don't want to change that about my body. I don't mind having a uterus (apart from menstruation, which is not fun, but it's not the worst thing ever and it doesn't make me feel overly dysphoric).

I recognise that I have a physical form. I did have to develop the awareness of that, but I do not see that as ME. I am just a floating mass of thoughts and feelings and experiences.

My body was made for me, it wasn't made wrong. There are things I need to change about this body to make it more comfortable to exist in, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it was made wrong to begin with, despite feeling that way sometimes.

Disabled bodies inherently break the rules.

Many times I have wondered, perhaps, if my chest were much smaller, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. The main thing I struggle with due to my very large chest, is the physical discomfort. It aggravates my sensory issues in a massive way, it causes back and rib pain from the weight and pressure. The ways that having a large chest increases symptoms of my disabilities are the biggest reason for needing top surgery. Gender wise, I think I would be unbothered by a more “neutral” body, where I could easily forget about my birth sex. If/when I get top surgery, I will be removing my entire chest - the end result being a flat chest - however if I naturally had very small breasts I wonder whether I would pursue top surgery at all. I’m not sure of the answer to this, I can’t imagine hypothetical situations well, but it’s something I think about often.

I find relief in having physical reminders that it is different now (to when I was a child) and I won't get hurt again, I am safe now. I now have a buzzcut that I touch every time I am scared and remember it is not like when my hair was long, not anymore.

Sensory issues and physical limitations affect my physical appearance. And, my mannerisms are affected. I cannot look how I WANT to look. How I WISH I looked. As a result, my perception of myself and my external appearance, are even further divided. My generally low awareness and weak sense of self comes into play here as well. There is such a disconnect.

Part 3 - Awareness and Understanding

I can't stick labels on myself because in order to do that, I need to perceive myself as a person first. If other people want to use certain words to describe the way I am and the way I try to find joy and comfort in this confusing and scary world, that's absolutely fine by me - words are important and helpful and useful. But I don't know enough about the character that other people see and perceive, to say those things about "me".

I don't understand the concept of gender at all really. For me being trans is just about having more of the things that make me happier and more comfortable. I don't know what it means to BE a boy, versus being a girl - just that, out of the two, I would much rather be a boy. It is complicated, having such strong feelings towards and/or against things that I barely grasp the concept of.

My (lack of) understanding of gender and awareness of the world and myself definitely impact the way I define my identity. I would like to say that I am not bothered about labels much. That, to me the human experience is too complex and varied and colourful to be fit into black and white labels, I am just somewhere on the spectrum of human, but as descriptors they can be useful. And all of that is true, however, I do have intense preferences on which words I and others use to refer to me, even if I don’t at all understand why. Those preferences have shifted over time, as well, which sparks a period of questioning and examination, every time I hear someone use a word I previously preferred and find myself physically recoiling from the discomfort.

I cannot understand social constructs such as gender and gender roles. It just add to the confusion that surrounds my brain every day of my life.

If someone views me as a woman (or a girl), nowadays I am okay with that. It definitely would have bothered younger me, because I couldn't yet wrap my head around the complexity and fluidity of identity, and how it can't always be described by words with strict definitions. But as long as people use the name I chose for myself, and refer to me in the the way I ask, I am okay with any assumptions they may make about me based on my outward appearance. Because it's me, and how I define my own identity, that matters. Not how I look to other people. And my appearance is not something I have much control over at all, anyway. The first thing people notice about me is that I’m disabled.

Part 4 - Growing Up

The stages to breaking down my identity enough to identify it as a trans experience, for me, were this. First, it was necessary to understand what gender and sex is, and that there’s a difference between the two. Then, to understand social roles assigned to male and female that create "girl" and "boy" expectations. Thirdly, to have enough awareness of myself and understand my individual experience (and be able to compare my experience to others’) enough to figure out how I feel about gender. Lastly, to finally get communication skills and the control over my life to be able to TELL anyone. This last step is a work in progress!

The way I see it, I was by default a girl when I was younger. Because I had no control then, and that's what was assigned to me. I really couldn't say what I wanted almost at all until I was about 16 years old. And one of the first complex things I finally could communicate (at a very basic level, just scraping the surface) was the gender stuff. I attempted this a lot of times before 16 but I simply didn’t have the language, the understanding, the awareness, the communication skills, etc. to get my point across. The first time I tried to tell another person about experiencing queerness, I only had the words “gay” and “lesbian” to use. I knew that these were not right, but that was all I had. The only words I could use were ones I had read or heard, from other people, and that greatly, greatly limited my ability to express my unique internal experiences. Instead of trying to find other words, I instead became very insistent upon being gay/lesbian, only because I knew it was more than that.

I have a lot of memories of scary experiences where my unreliable speech took over and blurted out scripts (delayed echolalia) about being queer (using words I wouldn’t choose), simply because I was trying to learn and understand my feelings about queerness better with watching/reading media from other people. And that lead to ridicule and more exposure than I was ready for or wanted. I didn’t want other people to know, at that stage. I wasn’t done with the processing, and I needed it to stay internal. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I was one of those people where it was always obvious I am queer, or at least “different” in just about every respect. I have never had a choice to hide it. I mourn the fact that I was never allowed the chance to inform other people of this part of my identity in my own time, with my own words. I am grateful that I even have the privilege of writing this, but there is a reason that there’s so much to write here in one go. There is so much I haven’t had the ability to say at all, until now, and even more that I haven’t had the chance to say right.

Sometimes I have the feeling that, even in the queer community, with the accepted labels and identities, I don't fit. It makes me sad sometimes, that I couldn't fit an accepted “role” or label. I have come to an understanding that that is not what being queer is about at all, which helps. I think part of the reason this upsets me, is because I am so disabled that I will never “fit” in any real queer space with other real queer people. I am left outside, watching from the edges. I am outside of everything. 

But - It comforts me that there have always been people like me, just existing in the world. We have always been here. When I was younger and had all these thoughts and feelings about gender that I didn't understand yet, had no context for, couldn't express and didn't have proof of anyone else who had the same experience - it comforted me to think "if i am feeling this, then statistically another human at some point in time must've felt the same way".

When I was younger I used to believe - queer is what people say when they mean "dirty" and "wrong". It’s what people say when they mean something worse but don't have a word for it.

My identity of being trans is simply my identity of being me.

When I think about "passing" and wishing things to be easier for me, I don't think "I wish I passed as a boy", I find myself wishing I was just a girl, and then my life would be so much less complicated. But, of course, it will always be complicated for me, because of how others perceive my autism first, before anything else. I feel I struggle to be seen as a whole human with a complex human experience, because to so many people I am just my autism. Then also lacking of awareness of gender and only knowing my own feelings - even if I was a girl, I would still have this difficulty! - but still, in this situation, I think "I wish I didn't have these feelings to begin with". I think that shows it is more about the difficulty of coping, rather than other people's view and opinion based on my appearance and outward expression.

When using words to refer to my younger self, those experiences and the way they were labeled and explained at the time does not cease to exist just because I choose to use different words for my present-day self. I am more accepting of this now, I used to really struggle with the fact that it had changed over time and my black-and-white thinking of “one or the other is true”, made it very challenging.

When I was younger, the only way I knew how to make everything “wrong” with me (autism, physical disabilities, queerness, lack of faith in God, etc.) an understandable concept, was to come up with the overall explanation that “my brain is broken”. I just thought that must be the only answer. It was the only way I could process how many things I thought were completely and utterly wrong about me.

It feels like two facts colliding when I see my birth name, and it makes my brain hurt and my understanding of the world shatter.

Part 5 - The Choice

When people misgender me, it is more upsetting to me that people ignore my choice than that they perceive me "wrong" or make the wrong assumption. I actually don’t mind assumptions much, if someone looks at me and thinks I’m a woman that’s okay with me nowadays - I understand that I appear female, because I am, and a lot of people connect female with woman (or girl, as I am often also assumed to be quite young). But I also can easily forget that someone might not know my pronouns straight away, simply because of struggles with theory of mind - I forget that other people don't automatically know what I know, that they can't read my mind.

It is upsetting only because my choice is not being respected or understood or seen, from my brain’s point of view. Having the ability and opportunity to choose the way I am addressed, the way I identify, the way I talk about myself and want others to talk about me, is incredibly valuable to me. For so long I have only had other people’s words, both for them to freely put onto me, and to use in my laboured attempts at communication. Attempting to grab onto the closest words to my true meaning and piecing them together like jigsaw pieces from different puzzles that don’t quite fit.

Now that I can write something like this, with so many words that are mostly my own, to have someone go against that (whether it is intentional or not - it doesn’t change things because of my low theory of mind, I can’t think from another’s perspective and understand that they don’t know what I know) is spirit breaking.

A lot of the parts of my transition can be (partially) attributed to different things, different reasons. I changed my name partly because I had no connection to my birth name, and struggled to remember to respond to it. It also reminded me of bad memories that I don’t want to relive every day. Having a new name was part of a necessary process of changing every part of my life so it never feels the same way it used to - at least, not in the ways that I can control. I already wrote about how I need top surgery for reasons including but not limited to dysphoria, pain, sensory issues, and so on. I love having my hair buzzed (as much as I have the occasional urge to grow it), because it feels like me. It feel different to when I was younger, and it’s a physical reminder that I am safe now, every time I touch my head or catch a glance of myself in the mirror.

Technically, with these other reasons to attribute many parts of my transition to, I could choose not to identify the way I do. If I didn’t feel a strong connection to queerness, I don’t think I would spend so much time trying to sift through thoughts and feelings and experiences and memories and holding them up against different words to see how it fits. I have basically no awareness of gender outside of myself, I can’t figure out my sexuality because I don’t know how I can even relate to other people. I could put a mental block between me and this topic, and never call myself queer or trans or anything like that ever again.

But - I DO choose to collect these parts of me, and spend the time holding them up to the light and squinting at them from every direction, to come to align them with these words. That is my choice.

I am the same person I always have been, I just get to choose now. I have the power and control.

Thank you for reading, if you got to the end! I love to know that my words are seen by other people.

[sysboxes]

It's possible for alters to have their own mental health!!! Alters can have personality disorders that other alters don't have, I think what you're talking about is autism, ADHD and other disorders similar! (As those affect the brain and therefore affect the whole system, but personality disorders are a different sort of thing, so one alter can have a PD and the others might not!) We can provide links if you'd like ^^ /nm /info

Hey there Anon! Thank you for the offer. We also received the following anon from (probably) another user, which I'd like to address here as well:

Alters can have personality disorders: (link) “✘ MYTH: ALTERS CAN’T HAVE THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES IF THE MAIN SURVIVOR DOESN’T HAVE THEM. They actually can, and many do. It’s extremely common for individual alters to battle depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, eating disorders, self harm, etc., while other members of the system experience no such thing. Some extremely differentiated systems may even need that system member to come forward and take medications that the rest of the system does not need and will not get. ..and their brain’s neurology responds accordingly. But, make no mistake, most expressions of mental illness amongst alters are incredibly real and valid and should be treated as such.” (cut up a little, the source is above, we're pretty sure the source is reliable, it seems so. We've also had other systems say this too, and to us that's how it works, as only one of us as far as we know are affected by NPD)

Firstly, I feel the paragraph that was cut out of the Beauty After Bruises section is very important for further context and explanation. It's quoted here below:

One note about some disorders, however. Non-verbal, poor eye contact, savant-like, or sensory-processing-disorder alters can be extremely common traits in DID systems. However, it’s important not to just jump to calling these parts “autistic” if the system as a whole is not autistic. It’s possible for alters to behave in ways that mimic their understanding of SYMPTOMS in other disorders they know about, while not actually possessing the neurology for them. This is a complicated subject we could try to elaborate more on at some point, but it’s just an encouragement to pause and not automatically label some parts as having certain conditions just because they show a few traits of them. It can cause a great deal of conflation and misrepresentation of those illnesses. It may also be purely based on discriminatory or uneducated stereotypes of those conditions that were adopted into a young child’s mind. So, it’s just helpful to check for that possibility first!

As Beauty After Bruises is saying here, neurology takes a place in this discussion. It seems as if this resource is mostly stating that alters can all struggle with mental illness, and can appear to struggle singularly with those illnesses symptoms -- in which case, the "This alter is a symptom holder" is exactly the language we feel comfortable with. Until we are able to research more, we're wary about spreading potential misinformation about how brains work.

As mods, we absolutely want to do our best to avoid spreading misinformation. From our understandings, NPD and similar personality disorders are caused by a structural shift in the brain -- something physical and concrete. Here's some of our resources we found on NPD.

Source 1: “They analyzed a total of 34 test subjects, of which 17 suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder… Using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) methods, the scientists measured the thickness of the patients' cerebral cortex… The findings revealed that those subjects suffering from narcissistic personality disorder exhibited structural abnormalities in precisely that region of the brain, which is involved in the processing and generation of compassion.”

Source 2: “The decreased brain white matter microstructures among three clusters were found in the association, projection/thalamic and connection pathways of white matter in young adult males with NPD. The abnormal white matter brain regions may be one of the neuropathological basis of the pathogenesis of young males with NPD, and it may be related to white matter development in early adulthood."

Based on these sources, the moderators are most comfortable using the language of alters being symptom holders. Both sources indicate that NPD affects the structural nature of the brain, which would impact all of the members of the system. However, like Beauty After Bruises was suggesting, that doesn't mean that various alters don't reflect those symptoms in different ways. It's absolutely possible for alters to struggle more or less with disorders, or even seemingly not at all.

I hope this clarifies our perspectives. Thank you!

[drdemonprince]

if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful

how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best

I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)

Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.

With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!

[noir-fem]

daisy's thoughts on *that* scene

SPOILER WARNING!! I'M ABOUT TO YAP ABOUT HOTD SEASON TWO, SPECIFICALLY BLOOD AND CHEESE!!

DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS!!!

the scene itself

obviously, the show couldn't adapt B&C verbatim without traumatizing child actors in the process, so i'm happy that certain changes were made and that the actual murder happened off screen. i still think they could have kept small details that made it so horrific in the books without hurting child actors though.

the problem is mainly within the writing because there's really no build up. there's no scenes of Helaena being loving with her kids beforehand, no slaughtering of guards or bed maids to make Blood and Cheese look scarier, nothing that builds an impending sense of dread. also B&C being confused/low key cartoonish villains didn't help. these guys are supposed to know the Red Keep's secret pathways like the back of their hand; showing how intruders could get into the keep so easily definitely would have made the scene scarier.

also making B&C into a "misunderstanding " and having Aemond be the original target completely downplays the most evil thing the Blacks ever did and further shows that the writers are unashamedly biased towards the Blacks. the main message of the story is that both sides were war criminals who did awful things!! the senseless cruelty of targeting a toddler for something he had no role in was literally the point of B&C!!

i get that maelor doesn't exist yet, but they still could have done "a son for a son" and kept Helaena being forced to choose between her kids. one person on here suggested having her point to Jaehaera in order to spare Jaehaerys (the heir to the throne), but B&C killing Jaehaerys instead. i think something like that would have kept the psychological torture of having to choose and could still have been done without scaring child actors.

overall, if the writers were trying to out-do the Red Wedding in terms of horror, it didn't work. What made the Red Wedding so terrifying in the first place was the psychological aspects of it and all the tiny clues the audience was given beforehand, the small details telling the viewers that something bad is coming.

that being said, the show's adaptation of B&C still captured the horror of a child being murdered in front of his mother without showing it/being gratuitous. they did an amazing job with just letting you hear the sounds and leaving the rest to the imagination.

in conclusion: r.i.p. sweet baby jaehaerys. daemon targaryen, your days are numbered.

Helaena's reaction (or, rather, lack thereof)

i didn't properly understand/appreciate Helaena's reaction to B&C until i saw other people's takes and rewatched the scene for myself.

at first, i would have liked to see some sort of desperation like there was in the books (like Helaena begging and offering her life). HOWEVER, book!helaena and show!helaena are obviously gonna have some differences, especially with show!Helaena being a dreamer. and with her being coded as autistic/neurodivergent, her reaction makes total sense to something that i myself would do.

say it with me: there is no "right" or "wrong" way to react to trauma!! your brain is literally just doing whatever it has to do to get you out of that situation, and that looks different for everyone. a lot of people freeze or fawn! it doesn't mean that they're "emotionless" or unaffected by what's happening!!

now looking at it, Helaena's silent shock and horror were more gut wrenching to watch than any amount of screaming or begging imo. she's probably already seen this happen in her visions and knows that there's nothing she can do to stop it: all she can do is get herself and Jaehaera out of there. her resigned facial expression, her eyes, her quiet little pleas as she's carrying Jaehaera, her literally dissociating in order to get her and her daughter out of the situation and clinging onto her baby for dear life. Phia's acting was incredible and i believe she did her best with what the writers gave her.

now lastly....

the alicole scene

why???? just WHY????

look i'm all for alicent and criston being hypocrites and alicent finally getting to experience pleasure, but having helaena walk in on her and criston RIGHT after watching her son get brutally murdered.... i don't even need to say any more about this. nobody needs to explain why that is a bad writing choice.

my opinions on the show's take on B&C will likely change depending on how they handle helaena and alicent's reactions to it later on in the series. might even dabble in writing fics and drop my own take on this storyline sometimes hehe.

in conclusion, somebody PLEASE take Helaena's pain, quadruple it, and give it to daemon NOW.

[onyxxxrose420]

autism and other mental disorders

(kinda funny how one of my autistic special interests is autism)

TW- mentions of eating disorders, drug abuse, and talk of self harm

All of this is my personal experience as an autistic person obviously not every autistic person goes through this stuff too

Something I will always be passionate abt is the tie between autism and other mental disorders!!! Mainly autism, OCD, eating disorders, drug abuse, self harm and sociopathy!! These things tend to be more common in autistic women due to high masking!! It's kind of fun to slowly realize that stuff that you were always considered "weird" was actually bc of autism!!!

For example I have this compulsion to ASL finger spell almost every single word I see on TV. If I don't complete it my brain begins to panic and I shut off, no I am not diagnosed with OCD but I am diagnosed with autism and like I said early A TON of OCD traits line up with autism!!

Sociopathy and autism ecspecially in high masking individuals tend to get mixed up alot too! They don't exactly coincide with eachother like OCD and autism so but since autistic people have a very hard time with processing emotions in themselves and in others it's often seen as lack of emotion or emotional empathy. Before my diagnosis me and my family actually believed that I was a sociopath for a while but nope I just have a hard time with people's emotions!!!

Autism and eating disorders is a very big one too!! Ecspecially with OCD behaviors being involved as well!! Personally I struggle with ARFIDs and I'm a recovering anorexic!! ARFIDs is a sensory disorder!!! If certain foods don't match my certain criteria I will never eat them and I am terrified of them!! It is possible to recover from certain fear foods too!! How ARFIDs personally effects me is I have a lot of food aversions!! I can't eat fish, hard boiled eggs, homemade tacos, homemade chicken, etc!!! The anorexia in my opinion has nothing to do with my autism and is fully related to drug abuse.

Autism and drug abuse is also a really big issue that no one focuses much on!! 50% of autistic adult have admitted to using drugs to cope with/help mask their autism!! And when working autistic adults were asked that number almost doubled!!! I used to be severely addicted to Adderall after getting misdiagnosed by a misogynistic doctor who didn't think women could have autism. In turn I had a crippling drug addiction which led to my anorexia!!

Autism and self harm is also a huge problem in the community!!! Before I was diagnosed I never really knew what was "wrong" with me so I never knew how to cope properly so I turned to self harm as a form of relief from breakdowns. Luckily once I finally understood why I was feeling these things i got clean!!

AUTISM IS NOT AS STRAIGHT FORWARD AS IT SEEMS!!! alot of neurotypical people don't fully understand the extent of it so I hope this little break down helped

[skaldish]

sorry for the incovinience, but I read this, and as neurodivergent medical student I'm very curious. Do you have any resources or recommend (websites,books,etc) about neurodiversity from a neurology,psychiatry pov? (especially from a neurodivergent health professional or science expert) Because it so hard to found those (mainly bc the missinformation and ableism), most books in my college's library are not updated :(.

not to mention some doctors have said some wild ableist shit (and even some medical students) :(

I don't have much, but I have directions I can point you towards. (I need to update it, but any sources I do find generally go on my brain blog @prefrontal-bastard.)

First, I highly reccomend the Neuroclastic website for autistic perspectives. This website is by and for autistic folks and features a multitude of people with different expertise and backgrounds, including scientists. I imagine any pertinent developments in our understanding of neurodiversity would probably appear on that website.

I also know the AIR Network Model's website has scientific articles on trauma and dissociation, so I recommend looking into them too.

I'd also look into the MNRI PTSD Recovery Protocol by Svetlana Masgutova, Ph.D. I'm not sure if she's neurodivergent herself, but I would hardly be surprised if she is.

I recommend this because the studies behind her protocol reveal some extremely telling things about neurodiversity and its relationship with trauma. I have one of her books and it goes into the entire neuroscience and testing behind it, but unfortunately copyright laws means I can't, like...share the charts. This approach seems to be the direction the science is taking us on regarding neurodiversity though, so it might be the "in" you're looking for in terms of a non-ableist medical framework.

(The breakdown though, because this shit's fascinating:

Traumatic stressors can cause our nervous systems to blow like overloaded circuits. This causes our primitive reflexes [patterns of movements that reflect the core operating system of mindbody interface] to re-emerge, or to fail to integrate if the trauma was during babyhood.

Evidently, retaining 35% or more of the known reflex patterns produces the symptoms associated with things like sensory processing disorder, autism, ADHD, cerebral palsy, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation. It even contributes to depression and dyslexia.

Dysregulated reflexes can impact damn near anything: cognition, attention, coordination, disposition, emotional reactions, visual /auditory / spacial perception, pain perception and threshold, body growth, mood, and even the function of our digestive and immune systems.

From what I understand, certain primitive reflexes correlate with certain disorders. Apparently the Startle Reflex / Fear Paralysis Reflex and Moro Reflex are highly correlated with Autism diagnosis. Other reflexes potentially contribute to it since this is not a "rigid categories" thing, but those are the two her book is citing in particular here.

You can actually re-integrate these reflexes with exercises, which initially thought was fucking bogus until I tried it and suddenly could perceive and conceptualize things I didn't realize I couldn't before, as well as perceive parts of my body I didn't realize I couldn't perceive before [like my spine].

You can actually find integration exercises on youtube. It's an Occupational Therapy thing, but since it's new and emerging it's not something the average OT knows how to do yet, I'm afraid.

Also, important note: Some reflexes take longer to integrate, others don't. They might have to be integrated in a certain sequence depending on which ones are retained, but I'm not sure what all the sequences are.

Rule of thumb for anyone reading this: If the internal experience of "being you" sucks ass in any way, check your primitive reflexes. It ain't a curse and it ain't the devil, you might just need recalibrating.)

Hope this helps!

[zuzsenpai]

more thoughts on getting screened for autism

I see my psychiatrist next Monday and my therapist next Wednesday, and I want to ask either or both about the process for getting screened. But I've read stories about mental health professionals outright refusing to help someone get screened. They either don't believe their patient is autistic because of X reasons, they think they know better, or don't believe it should matter in the first place. I don't know how to qualify for a screening, tbh. I don't know how it works. Does my insurance even cover it? I'm worried I'm going to have to work really hard to explain myself and my case for getting screened, and I'm going to fuck it up so badly. I'm notoriously TERRIBLE at advocating for myself, and I back down pretty quickly from arguments about myself because I can never find the words to say and I get too emotional. I'm going to stumble on words and my hands are going to shake and my throat is going to close up while I try to read aloud from my Notes app. I'm SO scared I'm going to be denied right from the beginning. I'm going to be told I don't "look" or "act" autistic and that everything I'm describing is because of depression and anxiety. I don't know where to turn if my psychiatrist and therapist deny me. Do I try my primary care doc who knows next to nothing about me beyond my physical health? All three of them are women, so I'm really hoping at least one of them will understand what I'm going through trying to get screened.

I truly just want to know. Even if the screening says I'm not autistic, I am desperately searching for answers about myself right now and I feel like it would help me either way. I've been thinking about this almost every day, and have been dipping my toes into the community. It's been helpful, but I don't know if a self-diagnosis is right for me.

Meanwhile my burnout is not getting any better, and I'm almost certain it was triggered by Zuko's emergency and recovery. Just like all the weeks since that happened, I did exactly zero relaxing things/hobbies/entertainment while on vacation last week. I could not focus. I could not relax. I could barely switch my brain on to go for a walk. I was pretty dang miserable and probably shouldn't have wasted the PTO days honestly.

Anyway, I'm going to write something concise in my Notes app to list off to my psychiatrist on Monday.