#it's just not smth i want to write abt myself
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i hate when people mischaracterize toji as some cheater playboy who fucks and flees like that man would sneer at anyone trying to flirt w him and take out a picture of his beloved (and say smth slick that sends the person running)
yeaahhh in my head he's a 1000% loverboy idc honestly i do think he gets jealous but more in like an.. insecure way?? like he loves you so fucking bad but he has a bit of a hard time accepting that you love him and he still sometimes thinks that he's bad for you yk? so when he sees others hitting on you he might throw a hand over your shoulder but overall i feel like he'd go a bit more quiet. obviously he seems like a tough guy and he acts very cocky but he's got some big and strong walls up around himself and it's all just a bit of an act. aaaand if it is later in the relationship and when he feels more comfortable i truly think that he'd be very unbothered when it comes to people hitting on him . no sneer or anything i feel like he'd just say that he has a partner and that's it lmao he just wants to come back to you already he doesn't care for making a big thing out of it
#canon malewife#idc#do not care what anybody says#he loves his partner so fucking much#he goes outside and the only thing he's thinking abt is that he misses them#lmao#he wants to stay at home with you all day long lazy cat style#he is not a playboy he doesn't fuck around#actually i do want to add that the ultra cocky version of toji is still fun to read abt lmao#it's just not smth i want to write abt myself#friends!!
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set of drabbles i did for @februairy's cute badminton au :)
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"what do you mean you have us in different rooms?!"
"exactly what i said." shanks raises his hands to rest on his hips as he puts his metaphorical foot down. "this is an important competition, and i need you both to be all-in, one hundred percent. that means no needless distractions."
he raises his index finger when sabo opens his mouth to argue. "none of that. i've given you my reason and your only choice. unless you'd rather find somewhere else to stay on your own dime?"
sabo's mouth snaps shut. this time, when shanks offers him the room key, sabo wordlessly swipes it from his hand. he picks his training bag back up off the floor and storms away further inside the gym, muttering over his shoulder about getting in more reps while everyone else goes out to eat.
it's to blow off steam, so shanks doesn't say anything against it. hopefully the extra exertion will clear sabo's head.
-
when sanji opens the door to his hotel room, he finds his doubles partner on the other side instead of his assigned roommate. he can't help the surprise that pulls across his face. "what about sabo?"
"he kicked me out!" usopp exclaims, going from looking bashful to suddenly being very indignant – literally kicking the air. "then he made me switch him room keys!" his hand falls away from his suitcase handle so it teeters on its own to stay upright on the plush hallway carpet. "do you see what the problem is with that? it wasn't even his room to dictate what happens in!"
his other hand slides away from the strap to his overnight bag, essentially leaving both arms free to cross over his chest. "but if anyone asks, ace told me to say it was actually him that did all this. like anyone would believe that, hm? ace wasn't the one who stormed off earlier when we all got room assignments."
no, but he did stay behind to deal with his petty princess, sanji drily thinks as he finally holds the door open wider. usopp slouches where he stands and moves inside with all his luggage.
"well, look on the bright side, hm? neither of us has to deal with having a roommate that wants to be with someone else."
usopp nods wordlessly, still feeling prickly and dejected both at once. "really i'm just glad there's no cover story i have to keep up with. at least we won't have to deal with the fallout."
neither of them mention that it probably won't be an issue at all, because when shanks is personally traveling and organizing his athletes, his oversight is notably lax most of the time. it's not like he'll come upstairs to personally check everyone is where they're supposed to be for the night. aside from the grief given at the beginning, it's over now, for all intents and purposes.
besides, he'd meant what he said. he'd much rather room with usopp than have to deal with the world's most pouty prima-donna for the next four days.
-
sabo puts his arms in the sleeves of his pullover and then stretches them above his head in a last attempt to pop his spine. he's not given a chance to lower them and shrug the rest of the pullover on because ace comes up behind him and sags into his still-arched back.
sabo carefully resists a forming shudder when he feels ace's arms worm around his middle, fingers immediately roving along his sides. "ace, we really should go down to eat breakfast," he tries.
"gimme one more minute," ace mumbles into the back of sabo's jersey. "i need more sabo time to myself before we have to go out in public."
sabo snorts, because it's not like they'll be coming right back up or anything. he's not stuffing his feet into anything but slide-ons before 10AM if he can help himself. and he doesn't want to deal with bringing any of their practice stuff downstairs if they're not immediately going to leave.
his attempt at thinking of a snappy reply fails when ace's lips start working up the back of his neck. sabo does shudder this time, back finally relaxing from the unnatural position, and his arms come down from overhead to land lightly on ace's own. "ace, c'mon. let's go get food."
ace releases him to finish getting dressed himself, leaving sabo alone to resume putting his light jacket on. his commentary still filters over to sabo, though, both unnecessary and unwarranted.
"we could just go out to eat. there's that bakery down the road along the way to the training facility, and the woman who owns it likes watching us compete."
"we're trying to save money," sabo reminds him lightly, then smirks as he recalls exactly what they're saving money for. "hotel breakfast is free. if you want something specific later, we can nag shanks into taking everyone to eat again."
he opens the door for ace and doesn't attempt to decipher ace's mumbling after being met with a dull look. it was probably about how they could've gone to eat last night (or at least ace could have, if he hadn't offered to stay late with sabo) and sabo's better off leaving the exact wording of such a mystery.
but he does tune back in once they're in the elevator, ace speaking a bit louder and from a bit closer when he wonders aloud if they'd get something for free from the bakery if they let it slip that they're engaged now.
sabo puts an elbow in his side before the elevator doors can slide shut.
-
"you're late" are the first words koala says to sabo that morning when he sets his food tray down in front of the modest table she's claimed. she's said it for the sole purpose of riling him up and it works. she looks on in amusement when he pulls his chair out more harshly than intended.
"there's no set meal schedule, dearest, but thanks for grinding my gears. i can always count on you for that."
koala puts a hand over her heart. "what are friends for?"
sabo sits down heavily and leans into the backrest of the chair with a long-drawn sigh. "yeah, well, if you want someone to blame, then it's totally ace's fault for not getting up."
koala raises a brow at the wording. come to think of it, she had watched the two of them walk into the dining hall together. "you stayed with him? how'd you manage that? didn't you send me a whole long angry text last night about shanks being a literal demon from hell?"
"i switched rooms," sabo bites, throwing his head back to say this as snootily as possible. (ugh. it's too early for her to deal with this attitude from him.) "it's fine. shanks obviously doesn't understand the needs of teammates who are together romantically, so i just corrected his mistake on my own."
"and does he know about this correction?"
sabo purses his lips and ducks into his small bowl of porridge. "no," he mumbles.
"your 'needs' huh?" koala prods, smirking when sabo glances back up at her. she raises a brow instead of verbally asking the question.
sabo rolls his eyes and stabs his spoon back into the pile of mush. "we didn't do anything like that."
"like what?" ace pipes up, finally within hearing distance. when sabo only shrugs his shoulders, he wordlessly looks past his head to koala, but she only seals her lips. "well, glad you two are having fun with your secrets," he mildly snarks.
he pulls out a chair next to sabo and slides into it. "i still think we should've hit the bakery instead, by the way. the sesame cookies are already out, and when i asked, a server told me they were done making them for the day!"
"could've woken up earlier," sabo mutters. then, louder, "and we're still trying to save money."
"hah!" ace leans back precariously in his seat, ignoring his plate of cannoli to be petulant. "so when you want something, it's suddenly a necessary expense, but when i do the same it's a waste of money to even consider?"
"yes, that's right!" sabo proclaims haughtily, stabbing his spoon back into his breakfast. across from them, koala can't help but laugh at their comedy performance.
"aren't you used to him being this way by now?" she asks ace when ace glares at her. she also reaches into her bag at the same time to pull out a collection of thumb-sized cookies she has wrapped in a napkin. "you're lucky i'm so thoughtful," she says to him before he can get out a retort, offering him the small handful of the same sweets he'd been complaining about not getting to eat. "and that i thought of you earlier when i saw these and realized how quickly they were going."
"you're right, i completely forgive you and love you," ace rushes to say as he accepts the gift. at his side, sabo purses his lips and huffs at the wording, but ace ignores him completely in favor of tossing a small cookie into his mouth. "you're literally the best."
koala inclines her chin, leering over at sabo when he happens to look up at her. "i'm the best," she gloats.
she should have expected sabo to snap at some point, yet the heel suddenly digging into her shin makes her realize she'd thought of this a tad too late.
-
"oh, that? i can tell you about that," robin says to sanji and usopp during lunch. she'd heard an abridged version from koala earlier of the conversation she'd had with sabo that morning. "shanks found out those two got engaged recently and thought rooming them together would be a needless distraction."
that's the short of it, but it sure does paint matching looks of surprise on both of the athletes sitting across from her. they've both paused with food halfway to their mouths. she chuckles at the sight, hiding her open lips behind one hand.
"oh," both of them say simultaneously. then, from just sanji, "ok, yeah, i'd be pissed too. what a dick move. that's a valid reason."
"how long have they been engaged?" usopp asks around a bite of his sandwich. "was that supposed to stay a secret?"
"i don't think so, it just hasn't been too long," robin assures him. "i actually don't know the specifics. you'll have to direct your inquiries to either of them."
"yeah, no thanks," usopp mutters. "if shanks nearly had his head bitten off, i'd hate to see what happens to me."
"well, he did incite them," sanji reminds him. "i'm sure ace wouldn't mind telling us."
he specifically says ace because they both know he's the more easy-going of the pair, and also when sabo is confronted with something he doesn't want to share, he immediately becomes the world's most frigid ice queen.
"sabo might be happy to spill details, if you catch him at the right time," robin mentions. "it's his engagement too. i wouldn't be surprised to learn he's more excited than ace."
alright, yeah, that's a good counter-point to consider. both sanji and usopp think that over.
"after dinner?" usopp suggests.
"no, neither of them drink during a competition." sanji shakes his head. "maybe after the plane ride back home? if he's too tired, he might reveal something without thinking on it."
"if he's too tired, he just won't give us the time of day," usopp counters.
"what about after they win this week?" robin suggests.
which. is a good idea, in theory. but they would have to win, which is not a one-hundred percent guarantee.
but it is something to think over.
-
koala bites on her lip and sags into sabo's side again to bemoan her fate. below them, the current women's singles match-up is their own teammate reiju versus an athlete from sweden. "how can someone look so hot while sweating so much?" she says, completely aghast.
she makes the mistake of glancing up at him after saying this, bearing witness to the large smirk taking up his face. he opens his big mouth and already she knows she wants no part in this. "well–"
"yeah, i don't need unnecessary commentary from the man with a boyfriend," she gripes, leaning off of him. thankfully, sabo shuts his mouth and only shrugs, still looking smug but at least remaining silent about it. "speaking of which, where did ace go? wasn't he just here?"
sabo looks to his other side to confirm ace has indeed disappear. he looks miffed at this but keeps his answer perfectly indifferent. "how should i know? i'm not his keeper."
"you're right, he's just yours," koala says before she can help himself. sabo gasps, completely and justly indignant, and the look on his face is the perfect reward for ruffling his feathers again.
-
koby notices ace and sabo from the distance, but it takes him getting closer and a moment of observation to realize they're monitoring their competition and not merely engaged in conversation.
because from further back, it does look like something different. he stops short to watch ace wrapping an arm around sabo's back, tugging him closer with a hold around his middle. from the angle koby is to them, he can see ace gesturing down to the court with his other hand. they're both talking quietly with their heads huddled close together.
casual intimacy between doubles partners is nothing new, but koby can't help but add another mental notch to the running total he has in his head telling him this is another moment between this specific pair that qualifies more as pda.
he's kept this count going since the olympics ended, when he'd first begun to notice the change in the pair's affection for each other. it's not relative or important, really, but sometimes he can't turn off his observant eye. not for the first time, he thinks about asking after it in an unofficial capacity. maybe if it's off-the-record, they'd tell him if something had changed.
before he can think more on this, someone is calling out to him. specifically, someone says "hey four-eyes!" and from experience and the cadence, koby knows it's luffy before he turns around to acknowledge the athlete.
"hi," he greets luffy a bit lamely, still caught up in his thoughts. "you have another match?"
"no, i'm done for the day," luffy reveals. "i'm just sticking around to watch ace and sabo." he pointedly looks over koby's shoulder to see the duo not far away, realizing koby had been facing that direction. "do i need to get them for you?"
"oh, no, that's fine," koby insists, raising both hands to wave luffy's suggestion off. he peers over his shoulder as well, noting that the pair are even closer together than they were before, and quickly turns back to face luffy. "they, uh, look preoccupied as-is. i'd hate to ruin their concentration."
luffy looks at the pair again and takes koby's words into account. "oh, they're always like that now."
now implies that something has changed recently, though koby's not hell-bent on knowing anymore. the distance between the four of them isn't large, and he'd hate to be overheard, even if he is still curious.
luffy steamrolls along, though, not realizing the gravity of the situation. "probably because they're getting married soon? they've been a lot more touchy-feely since getting engaged."
sirens blare in koby's head, and he has to resist the temptation to look back behind him again. "oh, ok," he says, suddenly overwhelmed. that does make sense. it is a good explanation. it's also probably something he should not be privy to, especially if it's a recent development.
luffy must realize this too, because he perks up and grabs koby by both his shoulders. "i'm saying this to you as my friend, koby, not as a journalist."
"yeah, i got it," koby wheezes. "you can trust me. i won't say a word."
-
"maybe we should come back to korea," ace says at the end of their stay. they're both outside on the veranda, some light alcohol still in either of their glasses though neither are keen on finishing it off. it had been a celebratory move that both are regretting, especially with the summer heat bearing down on them. even in the dark of night, the blush on sabo's fair-skinned cheeks is still evident.
"after the season is over," ace says aloud, though they both know the implication. after we get married, he means. "we can book a room at the shilla and sight-see for a few days. or just chill in there. not like there's a lack of things to do."
sabo had been about to reply, but at the mention of the luxury resort hotel, he chokes. gasping for breath, he swallows the rest of his champagne in an attempt to quickly recover. "isn't that just a tad too expensive??"
"eh, we can splurge a bit." ace shrugs, then grins over at sabo. "it'll be another thing to save up for. if you want to."
"well i don't not want to," sabo admits, which is progress. as long as he's considering the possibility, that's good enough for ace.
"they even have their own bakery inside," ace adds, which only makes sabo groan.
"will you let that go already?"
#op#writing#saboace#going thru the tag and using everything i know in an attempt to do this correctly heheeee#also koby being the sports reporter that ace has to shield sabo from def altered how i wrote his scene w luffy#i knew he was there but i forgot abt ace teasing him to accommodate sabo and its so good!!!#wanted that to show in how koby perceives ace and ace's interaction w sabo#(and that ace would bite his head off first in his eyes if he made a wrong assumption abt them or learned smth he shouldn't)#also lmaoooo its so much fun to write sabo like this i dont give myself the chance to do so very often#ik you were debating more nationals athletes but i saw reijus name again and blacked out and here we are#wanted to write zoro and perona into this but i ran outta ideas whoops#maybe next time ;)#(also i didn't know if hack or shanks or both are national team travel coach/chaperones#so i just chose the one more likely to be petty about not being in on the engagement as soon as it happened heh)
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If I close my eyes and concentrate realllyyy hard I can pretend im in my animal crossing room
#im in need of a change I don’t like the way im living rn.. a lot of my belongings were picked out for me#by people who thought their way of doing things was better and Ive had to find workarounds my whole life bc of how I live differently#Ive never thought of myself as someone who cares abt how their room looks. but i want it to have things I like even if its just preference#Ive thought abt it for a while and I dont think Im picky I just dont like it when ppl buy me things expecting me to use it the way they#expect me to.. I just end up with a lot of crap that I feel too guilty throwing away just bc someone thought of me#the only way I can describe my taste is that I know what I’ll like when I see it.. if I can clearly see myself making the most out of it#if I constantly have to use workarounds just to use smth you decided for me im not gonna wanna use it unless I have to#literally i could not be bothered to pull out a notebook and write down important information until I got a blues clues notebook#because I liked it and it made it fun for me to whip out that I actually wanna use it. yknow#so rn im trying to get a drafting table because the one that came with my loft bed is ass and I cant cut my prints on it#I end up cutting on the floor and my back hurts if I do it too long.. and I wanna get a bookshelf for my closet and a bench for my bag#things Ill look at and want to use because I already knew how I wanted to use it and just do it without thinking too hard#yapping#diary
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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles#i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT#but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental#sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY#and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age#ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj#I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2#i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and#stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica#physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff#and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike#head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief#INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA#i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom#but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk#do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me#i feel like my ‘thank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lot’ grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear#kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have#ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning#sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.
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i’ve been having a hard time realizing and grieving my naivety/lack of intuition, especially relating to autism and ocd. there’s smth so helpless in feeling like you can’t trust yourself. but i think i’m starting to reach a point of balance. ik i don’t have the best judgment, but maybe my intuition can be the kindness i judged as naivety
i just couldn’t accept the idea that kindness (as far as i understood it at least) could have led me into harm’s way, especially bc protecting myself feels so “cruel,” so maybe that’s not the narrative i have to accept. sometimes i feel like i’m slipping into old habits when i catch myself giving someone a second chance, or the benefit of the doubt, but it’s not the same now as it was before. kindness never led me into harm’s way, it was my lack of trust in myself. i don’t need to dial in my kindness, i just need to strengthen my trust. i need to practice informed kindness
#this sounds so obvious writing it out and i’m sure it’s smth most ppl innately understand#but i have a huge fear of becoming jaded and i thought self-improvement meant i would lose a part of myself#i only recently found out that other ppl have to choose to care. did everyone else know this. did you guys know that caring is a choice#learning this has explained. SO MUCH. abt the way ppl have treated and interacted w me#so i’ve had to force myself to care less abt things this yr and let me tell you it’s been a hellish learning curve lmao#i think for the best tho. i think being more discerning is helping me strengthen my self-trust#i don’t think anyone in my life can tell that anything’s changed either so that’s good. it means i haven’t lost anything#just gaining#danbles#autisms#ocd#edit: i don’t want to conflate caring w kindness btw that’s not what i meant#idk how to explain it actually writing this out made me tired. kindness comes from caring but caring can be cruel too#which is why i want to care less to be able to keep being kind#or smth like that. idk it’s 3am gn
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do i make ashara more devoted to mythal post trespasser or do i alienate her from the evanuris entirely. is she immune to propaganda by virtue of how badly solas damaged her ability to believe in anything or is she especially vulnerable to it now bc she still WANTS to believe in anything. is she sporting subtle mythal details in her costume design or is she not
#love talking to myself on tumblr dot com <3#oc: ashara#i feel like she's always believed in the principles/vague mythos of the evanuris more than taking it all at face value#so even tho she might know the truth abt the evanuris she would still hold mythal's values of justice close to her and express it thru her#but also like. having MET mythal. and drank from her well. actually meeting not just the gods but YOUR god and her being confirmed the#''nicer'' one who tells u that ur cool and are doing a good job... idk. i think theres a possibility of her being manipulated/doubling down#and like.. she got rid of her vallaslin for solas and then HE left. her inquisition is frail her relationship with her clan is frail#her family is mostly dead lol. no arm no anchor...... like. mythal's approval + the well is all she REALLY has at this point#and she gets attached to people. to things. so so much .idk. its tricky bc shes lonely and needs some sort of SOMETHING to keep her going#but she also deeply believes in The Truth and accepting reality even if it sucks. so idk if she'd hold on to smth just out of comfort/habit#bc shes a pragmatist at heart and open to change. but like circumstances are sort of pushing her to her brink lol#i genuinely have no idea. maybe the secret third answer is that This is the problem shes facing in datv#the crisis of faith. wanting to stand by her ideals versus wanting to feel held by SOMETHING even if its a lie#and a character breakdown as a result that could go one of two ways#man its so funny talking abt her like shes a Real character i am being paid to write. insane that im doing this for free for an audience of#like 3 people who care JKJGFKJFGKJGKF
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i'm def doing it wrong bc the whole point of acting is to bring your own feelings into what the characters experience so you know how to express them. but i'm kind of going at it backwards bc. the reason i'm good at acting is i am simply autistic lol i was almost doll-like as a kid and didn't show emotions or talked much so i had to learn how to do it like others did and then start faking it. and that's what acting is 👍
#like if i'm asked to play out the way i think i'd feel in response to a certain event#ppl are usually confused by my genuine reaction. bc i feel emotions wrong 😳#so i just think how others would react and that usually works#it's almost like a dj set in my head and i'm raising and lowering the volume of certain nuances over a beat aka basic emotion#anyway i have this on my mind often these days lol#bc we're writing an original show and the director really wants us to bring ourselves into our parts#and man. i do Not wanna do that 🖤 been panicking abt it for weeks really#we maybe managed to settle on smth today that i'm feeling slightly better about...? we'll see 😔#the reason i'm feeling better is bc it's p detached from myself. it's barely a character barely any emotion#so i can just. switch the beat around and change some nuance volumes as i go :P
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me puttingon the filters "remote" and "data science major" on this job site from my university and just scrolling thru and applying to a ton that don't need cover letter without reading the qualifications/requirements 😀
#data science major is enough LMAO i'm slightly qualified at least right#if they get back to me i can read/reconsider LOL#bitch has to write a goddamn cover letter at some point tho lmfao#tmrw i'm getting together w my friend who also needs to apply for jobs i'll surely write a cover letter then right for shore#bro there's this unpaid internship that is like pretty fitting for me#but it's fucking unpaid which is so annoying lmfao#didn't realize it was unpaid until today (i saw it like yesterday lmao)#anyway looked at my email and reminded that i have to reply to an email abt a job i actualy have rn lmao 😭#and just didn't do this semester#but i want/need to get back to it#but i've spent the last week rotting and doing absolutely nothing#idk where the motivation to do things is gonna come from LOL but we gotta do it#i gotta put work time like scheduled out in my gcal or smth to make myself actually do it :\#and even then it probably won't rly happen lol#ig i spent the last while lying here clicking apply -> submit resume to all these jobs that don't need anything else LOL#so i'm not completely doing nothing 😀#i also have done a bunch of club stuff 😀 for the club that i am no longer director for but ya know#i need to wash my hairrrrrrrrrr lmao ;-;#jeanne talks
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i want to share a specific au of mine but im like. scared
me n my friendo have been ranting together abt for like 2(?) yrs n i was thinking of posting abt it n never did (i wasnt completely involved in the fandom at that time as i am today)
now that i am i wanna post it but im nervous
might tweak it a little not sure
(more of the rant in the tags, important ig)
#ninjago#i obviously dont mind if people wont like it/dont care abt it especially since its like.#a kid au#where nya and jay unexpectedly have a kid after s10#im rlly scared to post abt it but i have so many ideas in my head and my adhd ass cant handle ranting to myself#especially with how me n my bestie have been so busy lately we never talk#plus our different timezones#if any of u guys even just one person wants to hear abt it ill try my best#im also attempting to improve my writing skills. they suck#art and summaries will probably be more frequent until i ever decide to make a fic or smth#by now actually your free to ask questions since abt anything regarding the au since i dont want to do a summary just yet#ninjago jay#ninjago nya#jay walker#nya jiang#levi's ted talks#also if this post flops act like u never saw it
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i have 7 assignments, total, left in school. once i finish those i'm going to be done- i graduate in may which is WILD to think about. i just have to fucking do them
#im not getting anything done today so far and its like. midway through the afternoon already#and i realized how close i am to graduating and how i have no idea what comes after that and now im just kind of directionlessly panicked#which is. really helping the situation as you could imagine /s#im really close to finishing a couple of things rn. could get at least one done today#i REALLY need to get to work on my essay bc that largely determines whether i get honours and im pretty behind schedule on it#and i havent looked at at least one final assn and i do NOT have much time left to start it. its not small#theres barely any time left in the semester at all#i just need to finish Smth today#levi.txt#i cant make myself do anything and im panicked abt that which makes it impossible to do anything#and taking breaks makes me feel guilty AND panicked so i cant even reset w a short break and come back#my parents Consistent response to my anxiety has been. poor at best. and they dont believe i have adhd at all#so if i talk to them abt either of those things they get upset w me and claim i just dont want to take their 'advice' so i cant be helped#and the advice is shit like 'dont feel that way' and 'simply go do your work'#like. i talked to my mom abt how stressed i feel bc im behind and her response was basically 'thats what you get for falling behind'#i havent seen my friends in a while either or at least not in an environment where we can actually hang out and talk#idk man. i just really wish i could stay in bed and watch a show and not feel sick bc of how anxious i am abt it all#i want to write again. i miss it a lot i havent been able to write in months now
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i refuse to let clamp off the hook for underutilising himawari's fucking fascinating character setup and traits but on a less serious level im obsessed with the concept of her as an instigator of chaos.
like she's way less airheaded than she seems and it doesn't come off like Default Airhead Girl Behaviour or even Default Girl Companion That Ships Her Friends primarily (like not as hard as some other series by comparison I mean she's very I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE by default) specifically she just seems like someone that thoroughly enjoys being a little shit in a sincere way and giggling at her dumbass friends and has a shade of high emotional intelligence about it all. like she's just girl of all time. she's i don't know where im going with this just take this low effort meme from when i watched the holic stage play on youtube this isn't a coherent thought it's like 2am ill come up with better thoughts later
#ive seen kaguya sama and i know chika is a little bit rotted as a human being but we need to think about himas agent of chaos potential#this is all my personal intepretation but in general i find her a very cool character and working with the barebones framework is still fun#shes got so many interesting character traits#like how shes totally hooked on horror and spooky stuff more than the guys#but it has a distinct contrast with her deep fucking trauma and daily struggles with her curse-but-not-cause#theres smth that feels part coping mechanism part catharsis and part just straight up gap moe abt that#like....girl of all time#also her being depicted a lot either in rly bright sunny tones OR gothic lolita and no inbetween#i mean the joy of holic is everyone is basically posable dolls dressed up in whatever outfits you want but like its still a theme#and like we are given tidbits and small bits and pieces of her personality and interests and its not enough but its rly cool to think abt#they underused her frfr but what we do learn in how she reacts to stuff and bounces off other characters is so AAA#its wild how shes kinda a main character but kinda not in such a deeply fleshed out character driven story#i know shes a key player w loads of strong emotional moments but shes overshadowed a lot and it makes me wanna write mad headcanons#i find myself wondering how she copes day to day with her situation and how itd impact her personality around other people and self image#IDK you could write entire books abt her#but mostly: shes sillay#shes a little bit of a blank slate fill in the gaps but my brain is more than happy to supplement vibes and guesses#hima does not read as het to me because queer friendship groups work on stand user logic#i have a few fic ideas where it deep dives on her life as an adult and her push and pull w social interaction#but its early days on that so any details would b not very interesting past the conceot stage lol#i rly gotta get my ass to writing more fic but brain is a fuck writing longform is haaard unless its like idk visual novel formatting#anyway this is just nothing im not aiming for interaction here i just have half baked thoughts abt himawari the girl of all time#also hima kinda goes through hell and back so doing her dumbass 3 person comedy routine w her dumbass frisnds must be of big fuckin solace#its like that post about just being a girl who wants to have fun . she wants to have fun w friends#AND THAT IS OK justice for hima idk i love her even if she got the short end of the stick for deeply long term focused character writing
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what if i snapped and made an oc carrd
#i mean.... i could#this isnt the first time ive thought of doing it but i drop ocs so easily its not even funny. so idk if itd be worth it#id consider toyhouse or smth but i dont have money lol. right now everythings on artfight but thats more for drawing purposes#what ocs would i even talk abt... i have some standalones like auggie and ocs i think look cool but dont plan on using#but some others have their own stories.. not like a huge thought out plot but something i pick up and twirl around in my head#like luckys whole deal is being a hiking guide who accidentally gets tied up with some werewolves pretending to be a hiking group to eat pp#and then i have the magician rivals. although i kinda wanna tie theirs with the nightguard and thief story ive been cooking. maybe in the#same universe? it would be pretty funny if they lived in the same apartment complex since a couple stories i have in mind revolve around th#its like some sort of omnibus or anthology to me. kicks my feet#and then fan characters like xin ya and sleight who i want to have their own expanded lore and stuff. i think that would be cool#im making crow a powerpoint of xins updated lore but the assignmence are making it hard. hopefully it turns out good though#i have a hard time writing personality and xins is always the hardest bc theyre probably the least like me. i tend to stick to#characters similar to myself to get in their head. but bc their backstory affects their personality so strongly i have to do some thinking#anyway. hopefully i remember this later#yapping#oc#oc talk#ive also been playing neko atsume recently for nostalgia and why did we as a society ever stop playing it. its so chill#you just take pictures of silly little cats and leave them silly little toys and treats. and the music is cute
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Wrt localization, I can understand wanting to change let's say a joke if the context of the joke would be lost on people due to play on the language. But when someone changes the content of a story and characterization to the point where it's a completely different experience and then they have the audacity to say "have respect for the localizers. You support gg" or some nonsense in response to criticism, it's really disingenuous.
Not sure if you saw when I mentioned it before, but yeah. There are times when they have to make cultural changes (Pokemon did it with food to make more sense to the western audience!), change jokes that won't land in translation, etc. Those are reasonable changes that have to be made or the audience will just be confused/uninterested/disconnected.
Sometimes there are also jokes that in different cultures would be deemed inappropriate (like the sex joke aimed at Edelgard in the middle of the night - that makes sense that it was removed because western culture would've been largely uncomfortable with it). Age differences also account for this, in that what's seen as appropriate to a teen audience in JP is not necessarily considered appropriate in the west.
My viewpoint toward localization is that it should only be that. Everything else should be a faithful translation as much as is able, i.e. doesn't alter the message given in the original script. It doesn't matter if the content is from Japan, if it's a JRPG or what have you. If it was of French origin, I'd still say the same thing: that the messages and narrative of the French originating story should be handled faithfully and should be telling the same story/characterizations/etc to all audiences in any location.
Obviously in translation you can't make everything one to one or the sentences would sound off and/or broken. That's why you reword things to have the sentences structurally accurate in the translated language. Doing that, however, should not involve changing the meaning behind the sentence or trying to sell a different narrative. Doing that becomes a different story, even if only in bits and pieces. When a story nudges really fuckin' hard trying to tell you something that's wrong is right or that something right is wrong, but that narrative is only added into a loc and didn't already exist, it's a disrespect toward the writers and their original intention.
Even if, yes, the writers were very bias toward Edelgard (which they were as that was, again, confirmed in an interview), it didn't come at the cost of other characters. It didn't come at the cost of Rhea being worse, Dimitri being worse, or Claude being worse. It didn't come at the cost of her allies all being disgusted by their enemies that they were invading. They loved Edelgard when they were writing her, but they didn't make that cloud how they treated other characters (and while yes, the Nabateans get largely ignored in favor of focusing on Edelgard and such, it's not at the cost of their characterization or to make them seem worse).
Even if the loc heaps praise upon praise toward Edelgard and that doesn't harm the original intent, it's what they do to other characters that disrespects the original content. It would be like if they took FE10/RD and had Ike (who was actually just and a good person) spouting nonsense about Micaiah that just wasn't true, hyping up his allies to kill her because she Must Die.
Personally, I'm no Micaiah fan. She was one of my most hated characters in the franchise until Edelgard (and Berandetta) showed up. I still am not fond of Micaiah and she's still pretty low on the rung for me. That said, I would not enjoy a narrative where Ike wrongfully labeled her and her allies and provided his people (and the Laguz Alliance by extension) a false narrative about her. If those things about her were true I wouldn't care, but they wouldn't be. Why does that not work for Ike? Because it's not who he is as a character to say those things, and thus if he did, it means something is off.
The original has some ??? points about Edelgard that favor her/lift her up, but again, it's not doing harm to other characters. Yeah, we get the whole "they are the enemy" stuff from her side, but like... that's the point. If you team up with her, you're on her side and are seeing the story through her perspective, which makes her enemies, well, the enemies. They're viewed in a bad light on that one route.
But when you actually come into contact with the characters in question? It's not as bad as she makes it out to be. She, as the protagonist of her own story, makes other named characters and their ways of living sound very bad because she views them negatively, but we don't actually see what she claims if we personally come into contact with those characters.
What the loc does is have her say those things, understandably from her side, but then trash the characters' very characterization and personality to match her and her/her allies' opinions of them. The characters reflect her views with no pushback whatsoever, when it should be that the pushback is how those characters she talks about behave.
There should be a dissonance between her thoughts about them and who they truly are. It should make you question, "is this really right?". You should feel bad when you kill genuinely good people (like Sylvain. You shouldn't feel like he's some trash scumbag, but feel upset about his death and find yourself questioning why he had to die - not cheering for his death).
Point being, the loc changed that stuff because ??? I guess they wanted Edelgard to shine at her very absolute brightest, and the only way to do that was to harp on all the characters who opposed her. I don't understand why they would do that tbh (like I know the intent, i.e. making her look good, but I don't know why they went to such lengths to vilify her enemies and not just say hey, maybe she's wrong about these people but I'm still going to fight for her, if fighting for her is what you decided to do. The one idea I have is the final paragraphs of this post).
It just makes it feel a lot like purist culture, where if you've sided with her than they can't possibly let her be actually bad and do bad things. You've sided with her, so she simply cannot be a villain! It makes the loc team seem afraid of a concept of siding with the villains, feeling the need to change it because it's BaD to play a game/route where you do that. It feels like it's portraying the idea that if you do bad things in a video game, you condone those bad things irl.
Whether that was their thought process or not, that's exactly what it comes off as, and that since they loved Edelgard they couldn't portray her poorly unless there was no other option. In the times they do finally portray her poorly via other characters, there's always pushback in some form, like someone defending her, giving her the benefit of the doubt after everything she'd already done and still intended to do, or being sad about fighting/killing her. In the original that was still there, but the loc just added to it - just by doing a whole lot of damage to other characters in the process.
Meanwhile with Rhea, there's always negative pushback. If she does something good, there's a negative thought following her good actions. Obviously there isn't space for that to happen literally every single time, but when possible it's there. Again, this is another thing the loc amped up, and I can only guess it's because she's the head of the Church (and churches are viewed as the enemy in most JPRGs) and the main person Edelgard opposes (with no acknowledgement from the loc team, about why that is, being a bad thing).
It's like, the one time there's a game where the Church isn't actually the enemy, they... made it so that the loc reflected that the Church is still actually the enemy. Churches being the enemy are so common that it was intentionally used in the original script as a red herring. You think they're gonna be the big bads because they always are in JRPGs.
The point of that was meant to fulfill itself as a red herring, making you focus on them and scrutinize everything they said and did even heavier than you would anyone else. It makes everything Edelgard does get swept under the rug and causes the player not to notice until it's fastballed at you. That's why you end up fighting her and not the Church except if you're specifically on her route.
That was lost in loc, of course, and it got so overwhelmingly popular in the west (which I do believe is a reason they did it to begin with, i.e. made the Church the baddies by western viewpoint because the west apparently eats that shit right up) that Hopes catered most strongly toward the western audience, making the Church the big bads (who... don't even do anything wrong whatsoever in this game and hardly even exist to do so, but I can only guess they got largely ignored because they were so hated, and less positive interaction with them meant less worry of killing innocent people/more not caring about them as the enemy) of two routes out of three; not because that was the original script's intent, but because they just went with what was popular even if it went against their home game's intention. I was pretty unsurprised to find out this went over very badly with JP players.
In other words the loc was so widely understood as the true canon/intent of the story (despite its vast and drastic changes) that Hopes was crafted around the loc more than it was the original script. The loc of Houses altered so much that it changed the perception of the audience consuming it, so whether the JP writers are aware that that's why the game was consumed the way it was or not, they just knew a chunk of the western audience loved Edelgard and hated Rhea.
When I play a game I want the same story and experience that everyone has playing it. I don't want to understand it differently than it's meant to be understood and was understood in the region it was created in. If it's a dark and mature themed game, it should stay that way. It western audiences can't handle that, then the game shouldn't be played by them whether it comes out in the west or not.
If you can't handle the content of a video game, you shouldn't play it, plain and simple. No amount of "oh but I like this portion of it!" changes the overall narrative that you can't handle and/or don't like (and you wouldn't know you like a part of it if you didn't play it at all, which you did play it despite knowing it's largely not for you. If you didn't know but play it and find out, you put it down and move on). The game's messages should not be altered to fit purists or baby the players. If it needs to be edited that strongly to work in the west, my feeling on it is that it should not be released in the west.
If it is released, the story should not be altered to baby its audience. If people do play it despite that and can't handle it, it's their responsibility to stop playing it and not bitch at the people who released it (in any region) or bitch at the loc team for not changing anything (i.e. bitching that the loc team didn't change creative aspects of the story to fulfill another region's agenda).
Why does that happen though? Capitalism, quite frankly. Companies prefer the money added to their coffers than to keep the originality of a creative piece of art. They'll follow any political agenda that's popular, any social media agenda that's popular, etc, even if it means changing creativity.
They want the most people possible to purchase it, so if more people will buy the product, even if it means sullying the creative work of the original writers, they'll do it. That may not be true worldwide, but it absolutely is with many western companies. If the narrative of a game doesn't fit what western culture agrees with, they'll change it to make it so that western culture agrees with it (re: the Church).
Localization shouldn't exist to change a work of art/to change any media form for the sake of just releasing it in another region for the profit, but it does happen; hence why I prefer translation to loc. Over the years I've grown to hate western localization more and more.
If localizers have to work that badly to change what already exists (including changing the intent of the creator(s)), I have zero respect for their "efforts" for trying to alter a story and possibly even pursue a particular agenda (because we play games to have fun and enjoy something, not to have irl agendas thrown back in our faces).
Translators who go through loops upon loops to make sure the story stays as intact as possible with only changes of necessity are the ones I respect. Translating things to keep the meaning of a story is a lot more difficult and trying than just going "well how about we just completely change this and then we don't even have to think about how to work it out".
Also, there's a difference between pursuing an agenda or writing something to fix a glaring issue like racism. If there are aspects of a media that got changed in the west to eliminate racism (which is often, especially in Japan from my understanding based on other media I consume, done because of ignorance and not genuinely harmful intent), that's understandable.
That alone shouldn't alter a whole story though, and if it has to because the racism or whatever it is is that bad, then the work should simply not be released in the west! Simple as that! If it's that bad, why support those things by changing them to sound nicer/better and let the original product still generate revenue?
Now, is all localization this bad? No. Is Houses' localization bad enough that it changed an entire region's perception on the contents of the game? Yes. That's a no no for me.
I respect localization that does its best to keep the same story and change what won't work in another region (including what may be deemed unacceptable in said region or really toes a line of general regional discomfort).
I do not respect localization that sticks in the team's own biases or tries to push any kind of agenda to appeal to certain people. If a piece of creative media is created without the intention to push any kind of agenda, it should remain that way and not suddenly have things added to it for that purpose.
I respect creative media. I don't respect capitalism and changing content to cater to a specific subset of an audience, including the staff's own.
#DCB Ask#my response to this isn't just about Houses (that's a chunk of it) but also about loc itself#if I ever made a book or even just an eBook that got translated#I would NOT want what happened to Houses happening to my writing#personally I'd just straight up ask it to be removed and unavailable in that region unless/until#the people behind translating/localizing it fixed it to fit the narrative I set for my /own/ writing#if there were consumers from another region who got a different story entirely from the region I released it in#there's something wrong that happened between regions and unfortunately most ppl don't realize that#most ppl will assume whatever is in the loc was the author's intent#which means anything that looks bad in that region now reflects on me as the author#and it's even worse if it causes controversy. for example like the stuff we get in Hopes#the amount of underlying racism. I haven't seen the entire JP script but like#at this point I don't know if my concerns should be aimed at the localizers or the original writers#I wouldn't want that for my own writing. I wouldn't want people questioning ME based on loc changes#when I view in depth how I feel abt smth I prefer to put myself in the situation#and figure out how I'd feel about it. that's why with Houses I don't find it acceptable#it's not something I'd want to happen to my own writing. look at how Edelgard is viewed now overall#she's the most controversial character surrounded by negativity that FE has ever seen#despite having a character borderline identical to her in the past in one of the most beloved and acclaimed titles#and most of that is... bc of the loc :(
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Thinking abt Unova kids again
Like,,, how Hilda and Hilbert sees Iris now
How Hilbert was the first one to ever notice the sudden change in her personality. How he was the first one to ever reach out to her. How he just wanted to help her because she's his friend and he loves her he cares about her, and seeing what kind of person she's gonna turn out to be scares him, bc Iris isn't like that, Iris was kind and was fun and she was always there for him, she isn't cold or distant or temperamental, impulsive maybe, but it just shows she's passionate.
How Hilda tried so hard to believe that there was nothing wrong w Iris, then she started wearing that cape, then she started wearing those dragon tamer robes, then she started becoming more and more emotionless as the days, month, years went by them. How she hated Iris' Champion persona bc it's not the Iris that she knows and love, it's not the same Iris who got excited when she became champion, not the same person that tried her hardest to prove herself worthy to be Unova's champion, she became more strict, quick to anger when someone threatens anyone in the region, going as far as almost killing someone.
The two of them wanting to get their friend back, bc that isn't the Iris that they know, that's not how she's supposed to be and they all know that. And god they just love her yknow, she's their friend, she had always been there for them, so they should be there for her too. But how could they if she keeps pushing them away?
#i really gave them this kinda dynamic and expect myself to be normal abt it#like outside of their duties theyre all friends and such yknow but theres just smth abt it cbmdnd#theres smth wrong and hilbert and hilda wants to find out what#just ncmdnd#ough but yeah i got to 2k words on hilda's bit now trying to write hilbert's bit hahaha#villain champions au#unova kids
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wheres liam gets home fic . wheres liam recovery .. please
#crying shaking and wailing#i want to see him OUT and REALISTICALLY affected#i want to see him get HOME and START healing . and it be hard because thats not easy. but i wanna see him START GETTING THERE A LITTLE BIT#yeah i could write it myself . but alsi i have no energy . drawing is slightly easier bc its all visuals and its smth im much morefamiliar#with#and writing is fun but i can only do it every now and then . like im good at analysis but the moment i have to like#write a narrative my brain explodes#but perhaps that is the price i will have to pay for a liam recovery fic.#that uh. doesnt immediately throw in shipping#idm shipping and i think its occasionally cute but its certainly not what im looking for#and every fic ive seen lean into this ultimately decides to start makin characters kiss#like i said idm but its one of those things where its like. right off the plane i dont think liam needs a partner i think he needs therapy#and more general support if that makes sense?#these fics are generally still good! its just that i still havent found any fic that captures what im looking for which is liam HEALING#anyway. i went on a tangent. ill probably try to write it myself even though i am a pretty. slow writer (esp with narratives)#and thats not even CONSIDERING the research (both that ive already done for this and that id have to do) regarding like.#the legal aspects. ehat to do abt his leg bc how he gets home can very much affect that. etc
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okay, i don't know why, but i have ALWAYS been like you described. i have so many movies, TV shows, books, podcasts, songs, etc that i want to experience but do i? nope, just put on another F1 race, please. i don't know if it's fear of the unknown (hello, flood of unexpected emotions!) or not wanting to challenge myself or also wanting to watch F1 and F1 just wins out, but here we are. i suspect it's part of my OCD? or some other ND thing that hasn't been diagnosed in me yet??
in fact prolly the only reason i watch F1 is bc i watch it with my sister. it is a lot easier to do new stuff with someone else...which deludes me into believing that if i just got a partner, we could open the floodgates and watch everything i haven't seen together, but lord knows it don't work that way 😑 in any case, i don't know what's wrong with us, but you're not alone!
I'm glad I'm not the only one!! 💕💕
(Reply ramble under the cut cause I wrote more than I expected)
I think I just struggle to start anything new or to finish anything. I totally agree with what you said about it being the fear of unexpected emotions/the unknown! Like for race seasons for example, I just spent a significant amount of time immersed in 2005 which is a specific set of information(you know: rules, strategy, drivers, etc.), so to start a new season would be a completely different set of info. As I said in my earlier tags, some part of me likes the anticipation more and also I always get way too hyper about things and that energy is overwhelming 😓 And I also feel like I have a fear about how much time I'm going to spend(which is stupid because I'll spend like way too much time aimlessly scrolling for the same amnt of time it'd take to watch a race.) Like the idea of specifically putting aside two hours to do only one thing is stressful to me, which is why I often used to like watching races when I literally couldn't do anything else(waiting for a class.) But now I'm stuck back in the cycle of not wanting to start something new, even if 2009 isnt exactly new because I've watched a lot of racing at this point, but still new enough to me that it's hard to convince my brain to start it. Like once I get into the groove of things, I can float through and enjoy myself, it's just that beginning barrier that's hard to get through.
I also definitely agree with having to watch it with someone else. I either have to binge watch things super quickly or watch them with other people, if not, I'll just end up never starting it or abandoning it. I think it's because it's really nice to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings abt it with another person and not just be stuck with a million thoughts bouncing around your head(which is why I tend to make posts and then rant in the tags LOL)
I think thats why ive been able to get into F1 to such an extent and why it's been so fun for me. It's a live experience(with a strict time constraint, i.e. you can only watch it right here, right now) where there's a bunch of people watching and interacting. I love tumblr during a race weekend so much, I don't think I'd be obsessed with it as much if not for the ability to see everyone's reactions and interact back with them. I think that's why I struggle to start old seasons, because it's literally just me obsessing alone in my room and I can't talk about it to the extent that I can with the current season. Watching F1 as it goes along in a current season is just a perfect experience I guess, because the schedule pushes me along and I don't really have to rely on myself to keep going.
But yeah who knows!! Brain just being brain as always I guess, but it is annoying that it prevents us from doing things we want to do! But I will say, still, its so stupid that I procrastinate over watching 10 minute long YouTube vids LMAO, like pls I get the hesitation with a 2 hour race, 2 hour movie or 100k fic but, 10 minutes, seriously brain???
#theres some actual term ive heard before abt this kind of behavior#but i cant recall it rn and you know what google is like when youre trying to look up symptoms 😭#but yeah its probably smth mentally related which ive just never looked into further#i just am prone to anxiety about literally everything i think :)#sorry for such a long response!!#but its rly nice to know that someone else out there deals with this <3#i think im just my greatest enemy LOL im always just fighting with my brain#some part of my brain just likes playing devils advocate and being contrary to what i want to do ig?#but yeah what you said about the flood of emotions! so true!!#like for some reason ig its just hard to open myself up to such sudden excitement/joy if that makes sense?#tysm for the ask :D it makes me feel a lot better abt that :D#i always fear that i complain too much abt things in my own control#like: 'i want to watch 2009 but i cant' 'but isnt the ability to watch 2009 under your control' 'yeah BUT YOU KNOW'#when i say i want to do something i either do it immediately or its gonna take a bit for me to get to it#but rest assured it will probably happen eventually#i like how i wrote a super long response and still somehow managed to write a paragraph of tags#truly my trademark at this point#catie.asks.#catie.rambling.txt
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