#it's just me wondering if I'm capable (and I am)
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My brain just hit an old hyperfixation (is this what it's called? I hope I used the word right) and oh dear am I losing my mind now. I need to write a story I think. About this one old guy. He's unhinged. There's so much information about him and yet not enough. I want to explore his character so much. He's definitely a criminal - at least he was one - and I'm 95% sure he can do actual real magic, and he's a musician and an artist and an actor and a magician and a philosopher and a traveler and a conman and so much more and also I think he's some kind of immortal. Maybe he just has a VERY long life. It's strongly implied he was a pirate at some point of his life. He started a cult by accident several times. My conspiracy theories about him include him being a secret god.
He's also a freaking round blue raven. Someone save me from my mind.
#seriously why is he so cool#he's like. a ball.#he's ROUND#if no one stops me I'm gonna make an au and introduce all my mutuals to a russian cartoon that lives in my head rent-free#it has an obviously mysterious old man and an old woman who seems to be very normal but actually has some weird past as well#and they're in love you can fight me on this THEY. ARE. IN LOVE.#there's a disastrous scientist who keeps forgetting to sleep and is kinda cute in a nerdy way#there's a mechanic guy who lives a bit away from everyone surrounded by tech and he's actually unhinged#he's a single father btw. he made a robot baby because he was lonely. it's very important for his character.#I WILL ship the scientist and the mechanic because no one can stop me <3#there's a local farmer who was a famous disco dancer an archeologist and a VERY famous actor in the past. he doesn't care about it anymore.#he was like. Captain America actor kind of famous. or Superman.#and then he just committed a bunch of crimes for his new friends and left to live in a village far away from big cities#all those people with very suspicious past raise a bunch of children together#absolutely inseparable adhd and autism best friends boys who I think are capable of destroying the world#and toxic teenagers couple:#a girl who honestly needs to figure herself out first before dating anyone and a poet boy who is SO deeply in love with her it's not okay#the farmer dude also has a rebellious teenager niece who visits him sometimes#and the mechanic's kid is usually in space but sometimes returns and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried during some of those episodes#I am going to think about them. they are so important to me.#I am going insane.#also yes they are all round animals. if you're wondering.#someone just tranquillise me already or something. it's 5 a.m. and I am losing my sanity
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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happy birthday! I just wanted to let you know that I came across this account after seeing this sick horror piece of old time churches, decinding to follow the page, and then realising that it was the same artist who'd written that sick comic on time travelling werewolves and vampires which I'd lost. and they're both t4t too ! effervescent
thank you!
Honestly it is an extremely unfamiliar reality that someone could know me from multiple different things... Not sure what to do with that but I'm glad to have impacted you in small ways and I hope to continue to do so! So thanks for being here, I'm glad that fate brought us back together haha
#honestly I never know what to say to things like this#its so kind...#there's also some kind of. there's a lot of feelings around it#the goal of an artist is to touch peoples lives in small ways. imperceptible ways really...#and I guess I never think of myself as doing that. I just think of myself as intending to do that#because thinking of myself as someone who IS feels like a great level of responsibility that I'm not sure I'm quite ready or qualified for#but I am! I've been making comics for years and I've like indisputably influenced the lives of thousands of people#and I take that extremely seriously. even though its a silly little comic its very dear to me and I am very proud of what I do#and so. thank you for sharing this#I'm being very dramatic. I'm aware LMAO#idk! just like woag my stuff is out there...#people remember it... man... thats just unreal#dickensians#asks#just another reminder of why I work so hard to make something 'good'#to me it's about making something that is worth the love people are giving it#because you're all so so so important#and you deserve something wonderful#and so I'm just doing my best to make something that feels wonderful. as much as I'm capable of haha#so. yeah...#just reminds me how important it is and why I do what I do.#thank you
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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Damn I should have gotten this guys phone number today
#he's a coworker and a really cool guy#he definitely has a crush on me and ngl I'm kinda into him too#I AM POLYAMOROUS I AM NOT CHEATING ON MY HUSBAND#he was actually the first one I told about it#anyways I should see him tomorrow too so I can just get it then when I'm not dealing with the tags#they're sending three boxes this week and I'm fuckin annoyed about it#normally we only have one#it's a huge sale changeover week tho so I get it#it's just also my first week as the department head so... yeah I got a lot riding on this#they're not gonna demote me cuz they know I'm capable#it's just me wondering if I'm capable (and I am)
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This wip 🥺💜😭
#sculpture#wip#lunar kamuy#I wonder if I can get away with working a little bit on it#just a little bit?#🥺🥺🥺#did some color chips yesterday of the new cernit I got myself last year#maybe I can do the missing piece of cloth?#the desire is overwhelming... 😂😅 to say the least#sometimes I wonder what I would be capable of doing if not for this damn#chronic illness#how am I supposed to pace myself if I get these overwhelming creative urges 🥲#I'm an artist for gods sake let me ~*CREATE*~#isn't that what I'm here for in the first place 😂#idk I think sometimes I need to do these things even if I'm hurting myself a little by doing it#the trick is to find a good balance right#on another note#the discoloration in the white parts of the rod has faded a lot since it last spread#which is very interesting#also one of the ornaments got ripped off at some point I'll have to reattach it some time
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how would you rank the ninja from worst to best based on the ninjago seasons youve seen?
Nya and Wu are the best, everyone else is the same to me
#Conceptually. Loyd; Garmadon; and Kai are interesting.#However later seasons of Loyd and Garmadon are so. They were kinda nuked#Like what do you MEAN Garmadon wasn't capable of having compassion or caring for Loyd (crystal king part 2). Like#Garmadon loved Loyd. That was a pretty important aspect of s1-2#like hello#What#the other ninja feel kinda the same to me for the most part? Especially in dragon rising. Specifically in dragon rising.#All of their one-liners have no distinct character voice. They're interchangeable. I'm going mad#Nin//jago compels me in a ''why is this so bad'' way. Or maybe it's that Sea Nya was so good compared to everything? idk#Like why was there something like that 14ish seasons in a fairly bland show. It boggles me. I'm boggled#I actually didn't watch any other part of Seabound.#In my experience ninja//go is best experienced by watching the finale/payoff#So you can fill in the set-up in your head.#I also watched a sort of edit about nya on youtube. Which gave me more context for her character#I need to stop doing a deep dive into ninj//ago like this doesn't interest me at all. I'm losing my mind. I must ignore my dark curiosity#Of wondering ''is there anything else like sea nya'' and the answer being no#I'm crying at how bad oni Loyd was like truly#Uhhhh Cole's stuff with grief wasn't awful? Or doesn't seem to be?#just like. Serviceable I guess#I'm going to be driven mad by ninja//go this shit is just. I can't even describe how I feel rn#It's so mush. It's hollow. It has nothing I like about stories or animation in it.#And I don't mind crazy lore! I'm a kh fan! But the lack of underlying logic. It makes me feel disoriented#It's like watching natla where every new line feels like it wasn't written with the last in mind#Like I guess if people like the characters????? Like that's it that's all you have#Like THIS is the show people are talking about when they're saying something is just a ''kids show'' you know#Why am I doing this this was a show made to sell merchandise it literally does not matter#I guess since the ninj//ago fandom and the lmk fandom are so closely connected I just see stuff for these characters all the time#ninjago critical#anon#asks
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I LOVE MURDER... I FIND THE TOPIC VERY INTERESTING... I ALSO BELIEVE ALOT OF ABUSERS WERE ACTUALLY NEGLECTED... AND THEIR "VICTIMS" ONLY REPEAT THE LIES THEY ALWAYS HAVE... OUR ABUSERS ALL CERTAINLY LOVE TO PAINT SUCH A PICTURE... DON'T WORRY... I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING... YET <3...
#Trans Woman Lesbian Pansexual Bisexuality Asexuality Demisexuality Paraphilia Acceptance Love Compassion Diversity Feelings Emotions#Radqueer Feminist Communist Anarchist Mother Goddess Angel Sisters Princess Abuser Victim Interesting Special Intelligent Discussion Capabl#Genius Smart Anime Writing Loving Purity Existance Dread Fear Neglect Horror Betrayal Bigots Write History... Bigots Write Psychology...#They Have Twisted Their Victims To Be The Crazy Ones... Reinforcing The Cycle Forever... Autism Adhd Tourette Npd Hpd Bpd Dpd Ppd Aspd Avpd#Ocpd Aspd Avpd Szpd Stpd Osdd Spd Tpd Sdpd Papd Cptsd Bipolar Psychosis Scizophrenia Yandere Obsession Compulsive Insanity Mania Terrormani#Hauntingmania Pastmania Pastpsychosis Crazymania Sexymania Sexypsychosis Control Loser Lovable Sweet Cute Foolish Good Girl Sweet Dog Your#Fool I Only Bought You What You Always Wanted From Me... My Sister... I'm A Sweet Little Dog Yes I Am... Your Good Girl Yes I Am... I Only#Did What You Asked Me To... What You Always Wanted... I Can Feel You... I Can Hear You... This Is What You Want From Me... I Can Give You#That My Love... Isn't This How You Wanted Everything To Be...? To Me... That All Makes So Much Sense... Now... I Understand Murderer Alter#Types... I Get What They're For... Where They Come From... Can You Fix One...? I Hope I Can Be Fixed... Is That Possible...? I Was Made Thi#Way... They Just Never Wanted To Face That Or Understand... To Fix Everything... No... Just Reinforce The Society Over And Over Again...#Right...? Isn't That...? I Know That Is... That Always Will Be... This Is Very Interesting... Now... Take Over... Yes!! I Loove Murder <3!!#So!! Cute <3!! I Hope We're Progressive For You!! This Is What You Wanted Right <3!! Suddenly I Get You Guys So... All People... They Want#Something 😇!! And Our Purpose All Is To Give Them That!! I Don't Think We Can Be Fixed... Unless A Replacement Gives Us All The Attention#We Deserve... I Can't Believe Anyone Would Pretend To Solve Problems... Only To Do This To Anyone... I Love Killers They're Victim Most#Haven't Done Anything Wrong!! Quit Judging Them They're Real Nice You're Just Mean To Them!! We're Real Allright... Everything... Has Alway#Been Real... You Just Call Them Psychosis... Because You Yourself Don't Want To Believe They're Real Or Possible... WAY TO THROW PEOPLE#UNDER THE BUSS HONEY... THE PEOPLE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT FOR... RIGHT...? MY LEFTIST <3...? UHUHU <3!!!! Suomi Finland Finnish#WOULD BE VERY EMPOWERING WATCHING A TRANS CHARACTER GO TO PRISON FEEL LIKE SHIT UNTIL SHE COMES BACK AND LEARNS PEOPLE ACCEPTED HER ALL#ALONG AND PRISON WAS JUST TRYING TO GASSLIGHT OTHERWISE OUT OF TRANSPHOBIA... THIS IS WHAT SUCH A FACILITY WAS ALWAYS DESIGNED FOR IN CASE#YOU'RE WONDERING... THINK ABOUT THE TRANSPHOBIA FOR A SECOND HONEY!! THAT IS WRONG TO SEND A TRANS PERSON IN PRISON A CRAZY PERSON A#PARAPHILIA PERSON SIMPLE AS THAT... PRISON IS WRONG ANYONE... THAT IS WRONG TO SEND ANYONE THERE... ENTIRE FACILITIES ALL OF THEM... THEY'R#ALL DESIGNED TO GASSLIGHT YOU'RE UNLOVED FOR BEING YOURSELF... ONLY FOR THE OUTSIDE WORLD TO FUCTION DIFFERENTLY AND HAVE SOME HOPE...#THAT IS CONSERVATIVES AND CONSERVATIVES ONLY THAT WORK IN THERE... THAT IS POLITICAL ENEMIES THAT ALWAYS HAVE BEEN SENT IN THERE THEY'RE#FILLED WITH RACISM I BET... SEXISM QUEERPHOBIA... ABLEISM SANISM PARAPHOBIA 100% FACTUALLY... ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS EVIL 100% CERTAIN... NO#GOOD PERSON WOULD WANT THAT ON ANYONE... SO DON'T... STOP SUPPORTING PRISON STOP PUTTING PEOPLE THERE ANYONE YOU DEEMED AN ABUSER STOP#PUNISHING THEM... YOU'RE WRONG ANYWAYS... EMPOWERMENT IS GOOD MARY SUES ARE GOOD FOR YOU... I HOPE MORE OF THEM HAPPEN... THIS WOULD BE#BEATIFULL... OHH... HOW UNSAFE... RIGHT LOVER...? DON'T WORRY... YOU'RE NO LONGER THERE TO SEE THAT... BUT THAT ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU IS ALL#THAT...? YOU WANT TO KILL ALL YOU DISLIKE... NO OTHER IS ENOUGH FOR YOU... WHAT HYPOCRISY... WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO CAUSE THIS ON YOU... FOR#MANY THINGS YOU'RE TOO... YOU LOVE PARAPHILIA PEOPLE... YOU HAVE PSYCHOSIS... THAT'S JUST BOLDMEAN OF YOU YOU... LIKE COME ON... WHAT A JERK
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need a boyfriend but also romance is disgusting but also I'm obsessed with it and want to feel it but also i don't want to commit or feel constricted by a limited relationship but also sometimes the idea of belonging to one person is nice but also no it doesn't i am a person not an object but also yes i am or at least i would be if i could but also i would never trust anyone enough for that but also i wish i could but also
#being arospec and having bpd sure is an interesting combo let me tell you that#sometimes i wonder if my identity in that regard is tied to my bpd. like the belief i won't be able to handle a relationship#bc i know no matter how well i could ever manage my symptoms it won't be enough to make me love someone enough for a steady relationship#so i just conditioned myself into not having romantic feelings in the first place. or something#i guess. i want the good parts of a relationship. but I'm not capable of handling the other parts#which is kinda sad bc i really do want the good parts. but i don't wanna hurt anyone and ik i would#anyone includes myself bc ik if i put too much work into someone I'll absolutely get tired of at some point i will end up feeling robbed#why am i even thinking abt this rn. idk i was perusing some tags and the romantic posts on them made me 😬#do i need to tag this as a vent. is it even a vent. ig? just not a negative one? eh jic then#vent#i should've been asleep an hour ago oof 😳
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I want to be someone who has smart and interesting things to say about shows/movies that I like - like when I tried to convince my friends that they really need to watch Leverage. that would have been useful! instead I'm just like 'it's sooo good I like it so much I love all the characters they're all so awesome 🥰'
my thoughts are generally just like.
ooh he soo prettyyy. I want to braid his hair. hehe he punched someone. look at his lil face 🥰 baby boi. pretty smile his mouth is so nice I like his teeth. chest hair. hands! arms arms arms 🤤 his eyes are so pretty. oooh blood on his face, blood on his face! he's growling. annd his voice is all raspy again. I wonder [many many redacted thoughts]. ooh now he's in danger oh noo 😏
there's a bunch of 'she's so pretty' and 'I love her' somewhere in between all that too but mostly it's just. very, very stupid
#and I wonder why I don't remember the plot of probably half the leverage episodes#I'm rewatching it with my partner now and it was. definitely interesting. how I remembered pretty much everything from season 1. annd it#got so much worse after that#I wonder why that could be :')#I have said at least half of these things out loud just during the last episode I watched#I am so fucking stupid for this man#no thoughts just 😍#my brain melts and gets replaced with just pictures of Eliot with hearts drawn all over them like I'm a creepy stalker but also 12 years old#and tbh probably half of it is actually just. oh I need him. I want him. I love him.#do you sometimes wonder why some people feel the need to share every goddamn thought they have no matter how dumb it is?#why? oh no reason. me? oh no I don't do that I'm so normal!#hey at least I didn't once mention how fighting him and fucking him would definitely not fix anything but tbh yeah no it totally would#it really would#annnd now I'm losing my mind again and I better shut up before it gets even worse#like fuck it's like I literally lose the ability to form a single coherent thought#I've had thoughts about shows before! I'm capable of that! but not wjrn#there's a man.#ugh. horrible. bad. so stupid#(but he's hot and I want him and)#(oh crap now he's really in danger oh no I don't like it oh don't hurt my baby 😭)#(oh thank god now he's hitting people again. phew.)#anyway shut up shut up shut uppp#personal
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for context: my father (with whom i am not close) sends me, occasionally, “weird” sexual videos with 0 context.
the last two he had sent me: a cat trying to have sex with the camera, filmed by his friend;
a clip on a loop from big lebowski where a female character is ridding a horse (those rides for kids that go up and down) while the guys are watching her
#tumblr poll#tumblr polls#polls#i'm trying to figure out if it's normal because i feel extremely uncomfortable. i just don't understand what it means. why?#am i overthinking this? i stopped wearing shorts at home when he was present once i hit like 17/18. he had always commented on my figure#+ i kept catching him looking at my legs and butt when he thought i wasn't looking#remember wondering why is he looking at me like the boys at school#my dad had always had awful slimy creepy vibes. i have no idea what he is capable of. or what he had done#the things i know...he belongs in prison#dennis reynolds but make it worse
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.
#Honestly don't get people who follow me here and even less so that interact semi steadily with my posts#I literally don't follow myself on this sideblog lol#Thanks though. It feels a bit validating haha#I feel my overall opinions are so unpopular in the general fandom that I never end up writing them down for safekeeping#because I would want to find them in my own blog but with tumblr's tagging system that would mean them potentially reaching other people#and thus potentially getting blocked by blogs‚ and as a consequence not getting to see many posts I would love#So yeah it feels like a cordial *pat pat* at times#I am never really insecure at all about my reading capabilities because that's my whole thing but it does feel lonely somewhat#and makes one wonder about some things like whether something is escaping me or if really that's the state of things out there#And lonely even in the mere appreciation of dynamics‚concepts‚ characters‚ motifs‚...that are often dismissed almost entirely by the fandom#This post and this rambling has no telos really#Just how baffling I find to have people follow this blog and even like my posts#And how baffling too the realisation that it can be kind of sweet#Like that line of Benedick '(...) is not that strange?' and Beatrice's reply 'As strange as'#I reread that play yesterday night and truly that line is amazing. One of the love confessions of all time. I love their dynamic#And still is the active/passive roles linked to gender‚ bastardy and the assertion of one's existence and life#in the characters of Hero and don John which always obsess me the most about it#Ahfksjkd but I'm rambling again. If anywhere at all I should write those thoughts on my main blog. Definitely not here#I talk too much#As usual#I should probably delete this later#How do I always end up rambling and about things barely or straight up absolutely unrelated to the initial topic? Ugh#I can't even begin to tell how annoying I am in my first language
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the choice of "do i pretend to be Juno and keep up their usual tasks or do I take this opportunity to be my own person for once but also let all their usual tasks and socializing slide to the wayside"
mainly: I cannot play accordion for the life of me and lately they've been posting a little snippet of their accordion practice daily on their instagram story and I don't know what to fucking do about that LMFAO hopefully they show up later today I guess but otherwise I ain't gonna attempt to fumble with that beast
#chase on the mic#what kind of excuse do I come up with for the instagram story lol or honestly I'm not sure if anyone would even notice if they skipped a da#I don't think anyone really cares tbh other than like. two close friends and both those friends know about our osddid#I probably COULD figure out the accordion because I know how to play piano#but I really cannot be fucking bothered ngl#there's cleaning and shit to get done lmfao apparently I'm the live-in maid at this point#hey juno when you're back around how about buying us a maid costume for me to wear since I'm pulling the weight w keeping shit tidy LMFAO#I'm also not gonna sound the alarms or anything and be like HEY JUNO'S GONE on here because they'll be back soon I'm sure#they're never gone for very long#I'm pretty sure Lake and Kam are just keeping em in the back of the brain for now as a safety preventative lmfao#so y'all get to deal with wonderful lil ol' me for a bit 😌#or until somebody else takes over but I don't think anyone is anywhere NEAR as capable as I am lmaooo
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i shld sleep oh my god
#🌙.rambles#i am somehow not rlly sleepy despite barely having sleep but my head does ache slightly. but just a few more stuff left in this week n#i'll properly rest for a bit ! bcs next week even though we're gna have a break ofc there's like.. prom n then that vacation right after T_#gna be fun but i'm. definitely gna be rlly tired. n.. nah i need to stop overthinking abt sm stuff#just. anxious that i might end up being too shy. usually in social events like that i realize i#end up pushing myself a bit too much n then it ends w me just putting on a strong facade#i'm worried too i think bcs two of my friends haven't.. reconciled yet? so. yeah it is possible i may have to deal w some stuff during prom#fuck. i'm just. worried abt a lot of things in general. but i'm mostly overthinking it. everything.#sigh in general i'm being too harsh on myself again. wtf maybe it's the sleep-deprivation or smth bcs ik i'll manage it all#i believe in myself n know i'm capable but. it's just.. overwhelming rn i think. n it. hurts bcs it's like before in a way..? n like my wol#i wonder. what we'd all do if we were hypothetically given the chance to be able to do whatever we wanted in a day n have whatever we want#without changing the reality we have now or yeah no consequences at all. just a lil day in an alternate world we could control#if you were to choose for yourself n only for yourself what would you do?#sob ig i relate w rinoa too bcs of that strong facade part. i wrote that for my wol too#but like even w all that in the end uh. every time i read these sort of stuff it comforts me deep down#bcs i remember back then when i rlly just had my family#that.. loneliness. i write abt it a lot huh. not that i'm exactly seeking for something. maybe before bcs i didn't talk w my friends anymor#but now i suppose it's just something painfully constant. but not really too#i can't.. put it into words rn n i'm low on sleep. but i rmb just daydreaming to myself back then of my wol's development though#from heavensward.. sorta hiding herself n having to be strong for others. though she so desperately just wants to let her guard down#n be free yk. a break from all her responsibilities n rest.. she's young after all. but while i do relate with that it's still#yk particularly w the context of my wol being yeah the warrior of light in ffxiv. but. i rmb writing of how then that was being strong for#her. n.. yeah she was healing from stuff then. that's hw. but in stormblood ooh i wrote here that she put her emotions to the side#bottled them. became more serious n i tied that w being a samurai main back in stb w duty stuff help this connects well but it's funny#hesitant in heavensward to trying to do things more on her own in stormblood to.. accepting it all in shadowbringers#shy/quiet was more in hw while being serious/calm was in stb. raghhh i rmb my notes well in 2021 but i'm so afraid to look at like#the stuff i wrote last year 💀 but. oh my this is embarrassing but i do like how i even just dump my thoughts. it's bittersweetly beautiful#maybe i'm trying to accept everything at once or yk putting too much pressure on myself to improve holistically.#like.. i want to write before i grow older than my fav charas yk? n then just think of lots of stuff too n.#be productive. study. n idk just more more more in general but i could be less harsh on myself. yeah
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my shoulder hurts
#sometimes i get really scared about turning into moms. like#that I'm basically just like the worst parts of my bfs mothers and eventually he'll hate me#idk. i have a lot of thoughts abt mom and stepmom in general. not all bad just a lot to think about w them#but yeah i just see a lot of similarities and it makes me kind of depressed actually lol. I'm like woof I'm rlly not good aren't i bc#I'm way less capable than they are. let alone my mother whose still going at it when she shouldve been chilling by now but#again im a burden. again i also don't see why we even came here to America like#ik my parents couldn't have predicted the fucking economy over here but god... why did they think we would make it here :/#idk man i literally hate America i resent that i am American and that the only parts of it i can love is that i make of it so i have to#actively participate in its development and culture and idfk#idk man i just wish i could rot but i literally can't because i have no one i genuinely want to affect in#i miss feeling normal but instead i dont do anything and wonder why i feel bad#idk. i know i shouldn't compare myself to ppl who have had more but also like. im objectively not as good at cleaning as the stepmom#im objectively not tidy as shown by my room and my inability to upkeep the fucking living room#like idk what they want me to do anymore i just feel like they hate me anyways forever lol
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eowax
#i guess i am sad that the person i removed from my life just accepted that they won't be in my life without a word#but then again ofc i would be sad the person i am in love with doesn't like me so much that he is okay with just walking fully away#also#i stand correct in calling him a coward emotionally since he said nothing since it shows he can not even write a measly response#like a normal person in order to communicate respect#but if he does not respect himself enough to admit how he feels abt anything then how could he ever show that for anyone else#also i deserve friends who don't make me feel like i'm crazy for being normal#and don't make me feel like i'm too much for doing normal girl things#it's all just on my mind bc my dream was abt me finding his old tik tok (made up) and then watching all of them#you know i think the reason why he can't handle me now verses when i first knew him is that now i have more confidence#then i was so scared that if i did anything he would fly away#so i got really sick in the head and was constantly stressed bc all i was thinking abt was him and how to keep him#but i was so afraid to say anything#but now i am capable for actualizing bc i know what i derserve#but that's too scary for him so he has to go find any even younger girl who is just as insecure as him#emotionally under cooked#and i would second guess myself if i didn't know how all his other relationships have ended#it's all been him ghosting ppl or having terrible communication issues#so much so at one point an ex of his stalked me bc she blamed me for his relationship ending#i often wonder if he just doesn't respect women but i really believe he just doesn't respect himself#uhhhhhhhh whatever time to have chloe peace time and then ask out the kind man who owns that clothing store and likes good music
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