#it's hard if not impossible to prove or disprove a soul

[the-dear-skull]

What are the people who believe that the Alarm™️ is going to make people zombies going to say when it doesn't make people zombies?

[adobe-outdesign]

The Big Grand DCTL Review/Critique

In my previous liveblog I said that I’d do an overall review/rating kind of thing to summarize my thoughts on the book, so here you go.

No Spoilers: So I’ll preface by saying the book isn’t bad. It has it’s... moments, but it’s pretty enjoyable overall. The FNAF books, for example, were fun to read but they were also a hot fucking mess. This is not a hot fucking mess  - it has its flaws but it’s pretty decent over all.

Spoilers below the cut:

The Canon-ness of the Book

I would like to say first off that I really don’t think this book is meant to be 100% canon - not to say it isn’t canon, but I don’t think it’s supposed to lie up with the games perfectly.  It was approved of by Kindlybeast, but they didn’t write it - Adrienne Kress did, they just helped to develop it.

To explain better: There are a lot of contradictions in this book with the main lore. Some are more minor and could potentially be waved away, but others are extremely glaring. Here’s a short list of the ones that come to mind:

In the book, the Ink Machine is secret and almost no one knows about it. In the game everyone knows and actively complains about the machine on a daily basis. In the Employee Handbook, there’s even a memo from Joey proudly introducing the Machine to everyone.

The book claims you put ink into the Machine and it changes it in some way (effectively running on ink). In the game, it seems to produce ink itself - Joey’s memo kind of indicates this, as does the blueprints, and Wally’s “who really needs that much ink anyway” makes less sense if they’re putting ink into the machine rather than it making the ink.

Plus on Thomas’ board he has a list of the gallons of ink produced each day, with the highest amount written with exclamation points - if it ran on ink this doesn't make sense, as to get 423 gallons of ink he would’ve had to have put 423 gallons of ink into the thing to begin with.

Sammy is wildly OOC in this, as he’s basically a feral asshole throughout the thing, while in canon his merch description calls him a “decent person” and he generally seems agreeable most of the time, except for when he’s annoyed. The book even claims he doesn’t refer to women by their last names, while Susie’s tape tells us the exact opposite (as according to her he referred to Allison as “Miss Allison Pendle”).

Bertrum is also OOC in this - in canon, he’s extremely egotistical and hates Joey for multiple reasons. In the book, they’re buddies (even hugging each other) and Bertrum seems more humble. He doesn’t even correct Joey on calling him “Bertie”, when he had an entire tape about how much he dislikes being called that in the game.

The timeline for this part is also very wrong - it’s treated as if they just met (which could explain why Bertrum doesn’t dislike him yet)... but Bendyland was in progress for years before the studio went to hell, and he even has his BATDR tape (wherein he’s actively disliking Joey) dated years before this book takes place.

This also makes it kind of impossible for him to be the octopus ride like in canon, because he literally just joined the studio when Joey started killing people (and keep in mind that designing and building a ride like that would have taken at least a year or two).

The ink is, for some reason, somewhat alive, able to move around on it’s own and possess people. This was never indicated in the game, ever.

Buddy wakes up as Boris. In the game, stuff like Grant’s tape indicate the ink creatures wake up and then transform (the files even have an unused transformation tape from Wally, who’s likely our Boris). You can kind of headcanon around this one if you try though.

At the end, Norman and a few background characters die. Joey says he didn’t use the machine on them because they had been infected by the ink for too long and didn’t have souls any more. This means that, according to the book, The Projectionist cannot exist (as Norman wouldn’t have had a soul to use and Joey outright says he couldn’t/didn’t use the machine on them in the first place).

Some of these are pretty minor, but some of them are extremely glaring and even casual gamers would pick up on this stuff.

Basically, we have two options: Either Kindlybeast doesn’t know their own story/characters too well, or they didn’t require this to line up perfectly with the games. Except the first option doesn’t make sense, because they’ve recently published stuff that contradicts what’s said in this book in favor of matching the actual lore from the games, proving they do know their own story.

For ampel, Bertrum’s BATDR tape, which lines up with the game’s lore and corrects the mistakes in DCTL, was released in March - long after this book was in production. The thing about the Ink Machine being secret was also disproved in the recently-released Handbook, which instead says they employees do know about the Machine, just like they do in the game. So Kindlybeast do know these things don’t line up with canon.

I think basically they approached Adrienne and were like “hey, can you write a prequel novel based on our game?” and while they offered her some guidance, she mostly just did her own thing based off of it (she even said it felt like working on fanfiction while writing it) and Kindlybeast liked it and published it. It’s an adaptation of the game and its lore, done by a new person - things tend to change in adaptations. I don’t think they needed or cared if it lined up like puzzle pieces, they just wanted a good story, which they got. It is canon... but it’s also not, if that makes sense.

So for our intents and purposes I’d consider this semi-canon - take what you can as canon (which is most of it, as the most major contradictions also tend to be the shortest scenes) and ignore the stuff that doesn’t line up with canon, unless otherwise stated by Kindlybeast or confirmed in BATDR.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Overall, I’d say this book is about 70% good and 30% bad. When it is good, it is really, really damn good - but when it’s bad it leaves an awful taste in your mouth that’s hard to get rid of.

The Good:

Like... the majority of the book, really

Buddy and Dot are wonderful characters with strong personalities. They’re super likeable, bring some much-needed heart into things, and have great chemistry.

While some of the aforementioned characters are majorly OOC, the ones that are in-character (Joey and Norman are good examples) are amazing - every scene with them is gold and the book really fleshes out their personalities.

Some of the new lore tidbits are great, and help explain some things in the game (like how Lost Ones are created) or are just interesting (like Sammy drinking the ink and the idea of the ink being able to infect people, which sounds like something that could have directly come from the games).

The book goes into way more depth about what being a cartoon/ink creature is like, which is some much-needed exposition and is extremely interesting.

It also has a ton of heart and good intentions. I was worried about it being overly dark, but if anything it has far more sweet moments than depressing ones.

The Bad:

The contradictions I mentioned above. Some of them are easy enough to ignore, but some are incredibly jarring and take you out of the story (and make it impossible to take it as 100% canon without breaking the space-time continuum).

I kind of mentioned it above, but the stuff with the ink being alive and possessing people comes right the fuck out of nowhere, has nothing to do with the game lore, is completely tonally dissonant to BATIM as a whole, and literally has nothing to do with the plot of the book, like, at all. It feels like a few pages from a Venom novel got mixed in with the early draft and no one remembered to remove them before publication.

The racist shit - it’s only like 1% of the book, but when that 1% of the book ruins a really good character it’s a pretty big deal.

A random NPC dies for no reason and this death has more relevance to the plot than Norman, who dies off-screen.

Also consider: They could’ve found Norman first, Buddy runs off to get back to his house, Norman follows and gets killed via neck snap. Fixes both problems at once.

There’s very little tension during the horror moments because we already know Buddy will die but not until the end and that Dot will live.

The Ink Demon acts more like an xenomorph than the Ink Demon in this - his behavior is bizarre and it feels pretty generically horror movie monster-ish compared to how he acts in the game.

The Ugly:

The B-plot with Buddy’s grandfather should have been cut. I know that sounds harsh, but really think about it: what effect did it have on the plot? It only crosses with the A-plot twice, and both times nothing came out of it. It gives Buddy a chance to learn how to draw and he goes through some character development, but I find it hard to believe that couldn’t have been accomplished by expanding the A-plot.

The main problem is that A) this is a BATIM novel so we want to see the studio, not Buddy’s relatives at home, and B) it makes it kind of slow towards the middle, wherein the stuff with the studio barely progresses while we keep cutting back to the B-plot.

I didn’t dislike reading it or anything, but it makes the plot flabby, and slicing it out would’ve given us much more time in the studio and the characters we like rather than trying to juggle two plots at once, effectively streamlining it and making for a more cohesive story.

The ending (like the last 5 chapters) is a hot mess in multiple and varying ways:

Sammy shows up and... gets knocked out by a projector. Which is funny, but it amounts to nothing plot-wise and makes Sammy’s whole appearance kind of pointless

Killing off a bunch of characters, one of which was a main character, off-screen

The weird Venom shit that has nothing to do with the plot of the books or the games and amounts to nothing

Bendy acting fairly OOC, especially with how he goes about killing people 

Buddy grabs the idiot ball bard by trying to drown a creature made of ink in ink, then standing right near the spot so he can be grabbed and killed

Not only does the “can’t use them because they had been infected for too long and no longer had souls” thing not only raises the aforementioned plot hole with the Projectionist, but it raises a plot hole in the book itself: When the other are exposed to the ink they die, but when Sammy drinks the stuff he turns into a Lost One. Which one is it?

Keep in mind that that was more bullet points in those 30-some pages than I have for the entire rest of the book

There are only like... two actual horror scenes in the book, and one of those is the climax. While it makes sense that too much couldn’t have happened before the ending, it feels like there could have been more than that.

Not all of the characters from the games appear. I know it’s a tall ask but it’s also easy to see how they could have been integrated, and some of them could have easily taken the roles that were given to NPCs instead.

I feel like this book would be more engaging as a non-fan, as the plot tends to progress like a mystery, with you learning a bit more about what’s happening with every scene in the studio... except as a fan you already know what’s happening, so there’s little to keep you engaged until you get into that nice juicy lore at the end.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s lots of little details that tell us new info and the character interactions are great, but a lot of the scenes are just like “Surprise, Sammy is crazy!” and it’s like thanks, we already knew that. The mystery is supposed to build and move the plot forward, but there’s effectively no mystery.

Overall Rating

I’m worried this review is going to come across as overly negative, as it’s much easier to critique what’s wrong than it is to say “this part was good!” like 200 times. But all of the stuff I was talking about that’s an issue? That’s like... 30% of the book, maybe less. Some of the most problematic scenes you could literally remove and loose nothing plot-wise (which is frustrating but you know). The bulk of the book is very good, the lore stuff when handled correctly is amazing and it even provides some extra answers that we didn’t have before, and the characters are great.

Overall, I’d give the book a solid... 7/10, I think. Not perfect, but pretty damn decent all around. If you’re a fan, I’d highly recommend picking up a copy if you haven't already.

[thecloserkin]

book review: C.J. Hauser, Family of Origin (2019)

Genre: the most literary of fiction

Is it the main pairing: yes

Is it canon: yes

Is it explicit: kinda

Is it endgame: no

Is it shippable: if you’re into unhealthy ships

Bottom line: i hate literary fiction. ok i don’t hate fiction obviously i just hate when it tries to be too literary?? u feel me fam

Two estranged half-siblings spend a week tying up loose ends on the remote island where their father died (it is unclear if he committed suicide). The “loose ends” are that they had sex once, as teenagers, and now it’s weird. The island is populated by cultists and nut jobs who are convinced it’s the end of days and evolution is going in reverse. I have… many equivocal feelings about this book. On the one hand there are so many lines that just peel me like an orange, lines like “There was nothing more humiliating to Elsa than her own desires” or “Elsa was never surprised when someone killed himself. She was only surprised by her own animal perseverance day after day.” Plus I think this book really gets the dynamic where they’re constantly needling each other and every interaction is doused in fifteen gallons of repressed attraction. I think this is a novel that accomplished everything it set out to do with assurance and aplomb; I’m just fundamentally uninterested in what it’s trying to do. It’s about damaged people who learn to heal but the problem is the healing is much less engaging than the hurting.

Here’s the difference between speculative fiction and literary fiction: SF/F presumes zombies are literal zombies. Instead of assuming the zombies metaphorically represent something abstract, you just take them at face value ok? You spot a time machine or a vampire, you take it at face value and you add additional layers of meaning later. Which puts me in a pickle because Family of Origin is decidedly not a genre book, so what am I supposed to think about Famous Bigshot Biologist Ian, Elsa and Nolan’s dad, and his reasons for relocating to this island? There’s no cell phone service; it is quite literally removed from civilization. When I said nut jobs I mean it’s populated by secessionists, survivalists, doomsday preppers, anti-establishment types of all stripes. And they have some kooky theories about ducks. Which Ian apparently subscribed to. If this was SF/F I would just go along with it because maybe Elsa and Nolan, having arrived on the island, will finish Ian’s life’s work and find this elusive duck and prove Charles Darwin wrong haha??? But it’s fucking literary fiction which means I have to look for SYMBOLISM gahhh kill me now.

C.J. Hauser knows what she’s doing. Her bio says she’s a creative writing instructor and you can see why. It sucks that “what she’s doing” only glancingly aligns with “what I want her to do,” but c’est la vie. I was immediately taken with her choice of island setting (remote islands breed intimacy!) and the familiar configuration of type-A older sister paired with a younger brother who begs for a scrap of notice or attention. From the get-go Elsa’s priority is control. Nolan’s is acceptance. This quote sums it up pretty handily:

The problem was that Nolan wanted answers, and Elsa wasn’t sure what she would do with answers if she found them.

Like, I personally identify more with Nolan than with Elsa, because there’s this sense of learned futility that I find kind of charming in him but everyone finds annoying af in me:

Nolan wished he could return to a time before anyone had any expectations for him.

Elsa, otoh. Here is Elsa thinking about her ex, a relationship she clung to well past the expiration date merely because he loved her more than she loved him back, and she wasn’t willing to give up that bargaining position:

As long as his side of their love had more ballast to it, she felt in control and like he would not leave. Everyone left Elsa, so she had to be sure.

Nolan and Elsa are certified disasters. They’re both so burnt-out, and twisted up inside with shame and guilt and impossible desires, and the island is the ideal backdrop for them to resolve their issues:

There was so much that was not allowed that the island seemed willing to permit. Things underwater. Things offshore.

That night, they made no pretenses about the sleeping bag and slept cupped like shells in their father’s bed.

Jesus Joseph and Mary this woman can write. I’ve even seen lines from this novel quoted in those tumblr compilation poetry posts.

Anyway Elsa and Nolan’s dynamic is they do not get along and they’ve never gotten along. It starts with Elsa’s resentment at being displaced by a new sibling, which was compounded by Elsa’s mom being divorced and replaced by Nolan’s mom. These kids have spent all their lives probing at each other’s weaknesses and I am reminded of a very apt line from a book that has absolutely jack shit to do with incest: “When siblings spar, the true cause is proximity.” This seems to apply to Elsa and Nolan’s situation more potently than most.

Will you just LOOK at this god-tier sparring though:

Nolan touched a drop of rain that hung by her ear, letting it spill onto his fingers. Elsa smacked his hand.

Don’t— Elsa began, but Nolan, dirty water dripping from his fingers, grabbed Elsa around the ankles and shook her, groaning, Graaghh! like some B-movie Swamp Thing from the deep, ready to pull Elsa into the pool. Elsa considered Nolan’s hands around her ankles.

It’s one part goofing off, one part competitive banter, and one part violent sexual tension . Elsa takes meticulous mental inventory of every instance of skin-to-skin contact and I’m like—girl you know it only means something if you let it? Who the hell pays that much attention every time their brother accidentally brushes shoulders with them?!

There was a knot between Elsa’s shoulders that twisted taut when she saw him.

Nolan is shiftless and aimless, doesn’t even have the balls to break up with his girlfriend, his internal monologue is a constant refrain of “Nolan wished there was some more-adult adult whose job this could be.” Child you are TWENTY-EIGHT years old and need to start owning your choices. I think this hypothesis that’s sorta floated in an early Elsa POV is pretty conclusively disproved in the course of the novel:

But people didn’t change. They just ran away from everyone who knew them too well so they could start over and do a better job of obscuring the worst parts of themselves.

Because they do change, both of them change and mend their ways and they become a family again and ok here’s where I have a problem with C.J. Hauser: Her idea is that you have to choose—Nolan is either Elsa’s brother or her lover:

And he understood then that he could have kept Elsa as a sister or slept with her. It was a choice, and what he’d just done was to have given her up.

It seems her whole motivation for seducing him was as a big fuck-you to their father. I’m not saying she was not attracted to him I’m saying her field of vision is dominated by Ian:

Everyone here is insane, Elsa said.

They have their reasons, said Nolan.

They have stories, not reasons.

What if you’re my story? What if the story of why I’m on this island is you?

What’s my story?

Your story is Dad.

Go to sleep.

Tell me a story.

Which is really sweet and I am a fiend for these callbacks that deliberately echo the older sibling interacting with the younger one as a baby, but Ian’s stature is such that he takes over everything?? We find out that he wasn’t that great of a scientist. That he wasn’t a great dad was clear from the start.

So the really interesting thing from a craft perspective is the climax of this book occurs in the middle of it instead of at the end. The only other novel I can think of that does this is Cloud Atlas but that has a very unique structure. The film The Talented Mr. Ripley also kind of does this?

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

It’s revealed that Elsa isn’t Ian’s biological child. Her mom had an affair and when Ian found out he divorced her and married Nolan’s mom. When Elsa learnt the truth, she took the radical step of sleeping with Nolan to prove a point, I guess? To wit: If she wasn’t Ian’s daughter then it wasn’t actually incest. If Ian was troubled then it must be because she was his daughter:

But you are this kid, her mother said. You’re so totally his kid that you think biology is the only way you can be his kid.

I’ll admit that the “they’re not related” reveal does in this instance actually serve a purpose, unlike in some other books (yup this is a Wasteland callout post). And it ties into the theme of biology, and the stupid elusive ducks that supposedly inhabit this godforsaken island:

”We’re no longer good at adapting to things in the natural world because it’s too hard to tell which parts are real anymore so we don’t know what to adapt to.”

So there you have it. Family of Origin is not a book that spoke to my soul but it is a devastatingly exquisite book, and it has a number of really shippable scenes even if the relationship taken as a whole is not one I was rooting for. Here’s Nolan trying to get laid at college:

He didn’t know what to do because there had only ever been Elsa that one time before and Elsa had known what to do.

And then he has a breakdown so bad that he calls Elsa??? For emotional support??? Even though she’s at least 50% of the reason he’s so broken. When Elsa shows up she says ”I drove over two goddamn hours so you could yell at me in person” lolololol every single line of dialogue is so on-point. Oh oh and Elsa biting his ribs and his neck while they’re lying half-naked in bed is another pearl of a scene.

I saved so many quotes from this book and half of them have nothing to do with incest but they’re SENSATIONAL so I’m going to end this review with an assortment of quotes:

that she was afraid to ask for small things like this because the need in them did not seem big enough to draw attention. That she was afraid her small needs would go unnoticed, and so she made plays at bigger ones instead.

Whatever inner thing guided normal people in their choices … Elsa’s was broken. Nolan had been her first wrong choice, years ago, and as much as she’d have liked to pretend she was different now, that it had been a stupid teenage mistake, there was too much other wrongness that came after. Dozens of dubious choices that all seemed to bloom outward from that first moment.

But no, there was a difference between realizing how wrongly he’d been made and the moment the wrongness actually happened.

Because it wasn’t perfect. Because she couldn’t tell the difference between unconditional and infallible.

Maybe the sooner Elsa stopped trying to hunt down some class of people who had all the answers—adults, scientists, Mars missions, Ian—the sooner she could stop the cycle of trying to win. Could look around and decide what kind of game might actually be worth playing.

[mrepstein]

The Guardian Review (The Guardian - December 18, 1998)

‘The secret life of the real fifth Beatle’ by Jon Savage

'No one else had the flair, the panache, the wit that Brian had,' says Paul McCartney. So why did he die miserably and alone? 

Jon Savage describes how Brian Epstein fell victim to drugs and the pressures of being a secret homosexual 

From the day that he first experienced the Beatles at Liverpool's Cavern - "a vast, engulfing sound" - Brian Epstein devoted his life to their success and well-being. "He just had this vision," says Alistair Taylor, with whom Epstein made that lunch-time visit on December 9 1961. "Within half an hour, he wanted to manage them. He could see what they could become." 

From that meeting came a cultural and social revolution. The Beatles changed everything and Epstein was the architect of that change. The statistics are staggering. By the end of December 1963, Epstein's acts - the Beatles, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Billy J Kramer - had spent more than 30 weeks at number one in the 1963 UK charts; four months later, the Beatles held the top five places in the US top 40 - a hitherto unthinkable feat, and a coup not repeated since. 

You'd have thought that managing the biggest group in the world would be enough - Elvis's manager, Colonel Tom Parker, couldn't believe that the Beatles' manager had more than the one act - but, during the next three years, Epstein continued to manage the enduringly popular Pacemakers and Cilla Black; he expanded NEMS (North End Music Stores, the Epstein family firm) into dozens of companies; he managed the bullfighter Henry Higgins; he produced the West End premiere of James Baldwin's Amen Corner; he ran a West End theatre, the Saville, which showcased Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard, the Four Tops and a wide range of rock and soul talent. 

For all this achievement, history has not been kind to Brian Epstein. As a result of his premature death in August 1967, people regard him as a prime example of that old adage - "money can't buy you happiness". When his homosexuality became public after John Lennon's excoriating, 1971 Rolling Stone interview - the gloves came off. Subsequent accounts - most notably in Albert Goldman's book, Lives Of John Lennon - promoted ideas that have stuck; that Epstein was lousy at business, dominated by the Beatles, sad. Even Joe Orton had a pop in his diaries: "A thoroughly weak, flaccid type." 

Yet, as ever, you have to consider who is doing the telling. Epstein rejected Orton's Up Against It script for a possible Beatles film, and Goldman's source for some of his factoids was Nicky Byrne, who was in litigation with Epstein for two years. The problem for anyone rash enough to approach the Beatles' story yet again - no matter at how oblique an angle - is that the myth has become so encrusted with assertion and counter-assertion that when you couch it in book form you have a problem of who to believe that is library-sized. 

So, in making The Brian Epstein Story for Arena, director Anthony Wall and I decided to forget about all the books except Epstein's own A Cellarful Of Noise, published at the height of Beatlemania in August 1964. We didn't want theory; we wanted to talk to people who had been there, who had known Epstein. Because, for all the media fuss surrounding the Beatles, their manager has emerged as little more than a cipher in their story - yet his was a central role: as Paul McCartney says, "If anyone was the fifth Beatle, it was Brian, you know."

Our first port of call was Epstein's ghostwriter on A Cellarful Of Noise, Derek Taylor, who, despite his grave illness, received us with perfect grace. Taylor had been through the full white light madness of the Beatles' August 1964 US tour as their press officer; his own writings contain the most incisive accounts of the Beatles and their myth. "Brian was undoubtedly very impressive," he remembered, "A very soft appearance. He didn't look as though he did any exercise, but then a lot of people didn't then. I certainly didn't, and I was very thin. Cigarette smoking. So was he, nervy. Very well dressed, very good suit, lovely shirt: these were what made people different. The detail. 

"It is extraordinary that he could be almost immediately acceptable to those four. The only way it could have worked is if it was absolutely right. It was on, in other words. It's no good pretending it works if it doesn't. But thinking big: that's what bound Brian and the boys together. They all did think big. When he signed them up in that office in Whitechapel he told them: "I think I could help you." He actually believed he could, and he was prepared to sit it out with them, with all their cheek and impudence. In a way they had a lot in common: just the vernacular was different." 

To Epstein, the Beatles arrived as the answer to a question that had been gnawing at him for his whole life. Born on September 19, 1934, he was the eldest child of a prospering merchant family. Brian was mercurial, obsessive, and stubborn in pursuing his own path. His school days were disrupted by war and anti-semitism. His ambition to be a dress designer crumbled under family pressure. His dissatisfaction led him to an unsuccessful stint with RADA; his national service had ended prematurely with his discharge on "medical grounds". 

By 1961 he was making a success of the family business, but was, by his own account, "a little listless and bored". The shadow here, which could not have been admitted when A Cellarful Of Noise was published, was his sexuality. Taylor explains: "He wouldn't have had anything in there that implied or hinted at homosexuality, because of the danger of jail after the Lord Montague thing (a prominent gay scandal in which three men were jailed in March 1954), which was a frightening, horrible witch-hunt only 10 years before. But he told me this after only a morning: and how well did he know me? Not well, but a bit. It was a risk." 

It’s easy to forget now - when, despite pockets of resistance, there is greater public tolerance - just how off the map homosexuals were in the fifties and early sixties. Epstein's own thoughts on his life are contained in a document written for his then solicitor in the late fifties, notes for a defence against a charge of importuning: "I believed that my own willpower was the best thing with which to overcome my homosexuality. And I believe my life may become contented and I may even have attained a public success. I was determined to win through the horrors of this world. I have always felt deeply for the persecuted: for the Jews, the coloured people, for the old and society's misfits." 

The truism is that Epstein's interest in the Beatles was fuelled by sexual attraction, and this may well be the case. A persistent rumour which can be neither proved nor disproved (as both parties are now dead), is that he had an encounter with John Lennon while on a spring 1963 holiday together in Barcelona, as imagined in the film The Life And Times.* Yet this is an essentialist argument: even if Epstein did feel a sexual pull, it could easily have been transmuted into the care with which he managed the group. Not every sexual desire has to be physically acted upon. 

There was another element in their mutual bonding: for the first time in his life, Epstein felt as though he belonged. "A lot of stress has been laid on Brian fancying John Lennon," says pop manager Simon Napier-Bell, who encountered Epstein at the end of his life; "But I think it was far more being a loner and suddenly finding he was part of a group. I think that was much more what he was interested in, and that brought him into a broader group again than the Beatles." 

According to McCartney, this theatricality was the key: "We had been playing together a little while and we were starting to feel that we were getting good. But we needed someone to push us and give us a few clues as to how we might go further. It became obvious that Brian was that person. He had a theatrical flair, having gone to RADA. He knew a lot of people. He was a great networker, so it became clear he would be very good for you. It is always very helpful having someone theatrical out front; there's got to be someone out there who says: 'That was really good" or 'When you moved over, they lost you. Don't do that next time.' It's a director: that's really what he was." 

When the Beatles hit in the way that Epstein had predicted in 1962 - "One day they will be greater than Presley" - his showbusiness connections worked conclusively in their favour. Part of a London circle that included Lionel Bart and Alma Cogan, Epstein picked Alun Owen - well known for the play No Trams To Lime Street - to write the script for A Hard Day's Night, an inspiration for a whole generation of rock groups and still one of the best pop films ever. But then Epstein was already on record as saying that he thought pop music was an "art form", and he totally supported the Beatles' instinctive attempts to make it so - that empathetic quality which makes him the doyen of pop managers to the present day. 

By the time it was becoming absolutely clear that the Beatles were like no other pop group, success had brought the problems of over-expansion. "He found it impossible to delegate all the time that I knew him," says Taylor. With this increasing pressure came crippling anxiety: as Epstein states in A Cellarful Of Noise, "When a disc goes badly or a business venture fails, I am the one that suffers most, for I hold myself responsible. It isn't the money that worries me; it's the failure." 

"Brian was obsessed with controlling a situation," says his US attorney and close friend Nat Weiss, who met him in summer 1964. "Anything done outside his area of control brought a tirade of abuse. I think the image of Brian as a sort of very soft, sensitive person is not the case. He was very strong-willed. I remember one occasion when John Lennon refused to do an interview during a tour and Brian went nose to nose with him. He took his tie and said: 'John you're soft', and stared him down. And John backed away."

In the run-up to a famous death, it is possible to see signs of impending doom everywhere. Yet in Epstein's case, the storyline is finely balanced right up until the final act. "Brian was a man of many moods," says Weiss. "He was a very multi-faceted person. With the advantage of looking back 30 years now, I would say that he certainly had all the symptoms of someone who was manic depressive." This emotional roller-coaster was slowly exacerbated by the use of prescription and illegal drugs: principally amphetamines and barbiturates, doled out by doctors ignorant of or careless about their dangers. 

By late 1966, several factors had put Epstein into a downward spiral. The Beatles were maturing and, after their decision to stop touring, had far less need of protection. The Seltaeb Beatles merchandising deal had gone horribly wrong and was dragging through the courts. His close friend Alma Cogan had died of cancer in October. And Epstein's one personal relationship, with a young bisexual called Dizz Gillespie, had ended in robbery and blackmail. "He began to feel like a liberated person but he was never able to sustain a long-term relationship," says Weiss. "He'd become depressed by the fact that he'd believe it was not him they wanted, but who he was." 

Despite a suicide attempt in autumn 1966, Epstein remained positive and forward-looking. His musical interests were still acute: he boosted the Who, Cream, and Jimi Hendrix to Murray the K (a New York DJ) in early 1967, when all three were little known in the US. Friends disagree about its effect, but there is a case for saying that he found LSD - which he publicly admitted taking in June 1967 - beneficial. He was worried whether the Beatles would re-sign with him when his contract came up in September 1967 but, according to McCartney, "there was no question in our minds that we would stay with Brian. We didn't want another manager." 

Epstein died alone in his bedroom at Chapel Street, Mayfair, on August 27, 1967, one month after the Sexual Offences Act partially decriminalised homosexuality, and one month after the death of his father, Harry. There is no reason to doubt the verdict of the inquest: "poisoning by Carbrital, caused by an incautious self-overdose". Little was known about the dangers of prescription drugs at that time: indeed, Epstein's is the forerunner of all those sixties drug deaths - when the limits of freedom were finally tested. It was a ghastly accident, the effects of which were immediate. 

"It was a great loss to us and I know it really frightened us," says McCartney. "John got particularly frightened. I think he thought, 'Right, this is it. This is the end of the Beatles', and it kind of was. Brian's death opened the floodgates. It gave other people the possibility to come in, whereas before there had been no possibility. I think one or two of the other guys got quite enamoured with Allan Klein, but I never liked the idea, partly because I'd seen how Brian did it and no one else was going to stack up against Brian in my mind. No one would ever be able to do it as good because you couldn't have the flair, the panache, the wit, the intelligence that Brian had. They would just merely be money managers. Brian was far more than that."

* The Hours and Times

[adorealeclightwood]

SH 3x08 Theory [Spoiler Alert!]

[If you don’t want to know anything about 3x08 or any of my theories yet, don’t read this. Click the back arrow. Read my book review. Ask me questions. Stop reading this though. If you just want to watch the promo clip, my theories will begin under the cut.] 

For those of you that don’t mind spoilers and speculations, welcome!

As usual, our beloved Shadowhunters aren’t taking their feet off our necks. We only get a couple of hours to breathe after an episode before they start hitting us with promos for the next one. 

Here’s the first promo clip (that I know of) for 3x08, titled “A Heart of Darkness”.

Clearly, there’s a lot going down in 3A. (I’m not complaining.) 

First off, we have Miss Lilith showing her face instead of using Jace, or one of her many disciples. (For those of you interested in a head count, she had 32, then Ollie came so it was 33, but two disintegrated, so now she has 31, unless you count Jace, which would put her back at 32. The numbers are confusing.) 

Enough with the mental math - moving on. 

As you can tell from my “Girl WHAT?” post, I had a few questions. One of which was about Lilith, and whether or not she’d be coming for Simon. Judging by the promo, the answer to that is: of course she is, because everyone loves picking on the boy for shit he can’t control. 

Yes, I’m bitter.

On the bright side, it looks like we’ll finally get a little more insight as to what the mark actually means, and why the Seelie Queen chose Simon specifically. I’m also hoping we learn why he became a daylighter in the first place, but I’m willing to cross one bridge at a time. 

By now, we know that Seelies may not be able to lie, but they’re famous for finding all sorts of ways to bend the truth. Remember what darling mama Lightwood said to Izzy back in 1x06?

“Never trust people who can’t lie. They find much more inventive ways to stab you in the back.” 

If anyone has learned anything from the Seelie Queen in season two alone, it’s that Maryse told no lies. 

So what does any of this have to do with Lilith? I have a theory. 

It’s far-fetched, highly unlikely, and impossible to prove/disprove because the main person involved is dead. 

Remember when the Seelie Queen decided to align herself with Valentine and start a war? Anything to be on the winning team, right? Right. What if, during their little walk, Valentine got to talking, and got in the Seelie Queen’s head with his ideas of ridding the world of demon blooded creatures? 

I mean, it’s hard to be considered the losing team if your team is the only one left standing. 

Then Valentine goes and kills Jace, which makes Clary get all knife happy and take him out, so his plans die with him...or so we assumed. 

Hear me out. 

WHAT IF, the Seelie Queen did some...Seelie Research (I don’t know what else to call it. Digging maybe?) and discovered a mark. A mark unknown by any Shadowhunter, vampire, or warlock, that packed enough power to take out anyone - even someone as evil as the mother of all demons. All she’d need is a vampire with the ability to walk in the sun, and she’d be all set. 

(I told you it was far-fetched, but I’m drinking Jack D. again, and I needed to post this.)

Whenever one of Lilith’s children/disciples/minions/whatever the fuck you want to call them dies, we know that she can feel it. It’s why she left to retrieve the sliver of Clary’s soul herself; she’d just felt the death of the demon she’d sent out to find Clary, only to be killed when Izzy came across it. Again, just recently in 3x07, two of them approached Simon, and were disintegrated by the mark, which caused Lilith to scream, either in pain or frustration - we don’t know yet. 

Lilith knows about the mark, and exactly who gave it to Simon, so she goes straight to the Seelie Court to have the queen remove it. Naturally, that condescending little wench said something that translated to no, and Lilith didn’t like that one bit, and held her hand up as if she were ready to take the Seelie Queen out herself (thus disabling the mark and rendering it useless? Again, I don’t know. I’m tipsy.). 

While I don’t approve of killing people when they don’t give you what you want, I’m perfectly fine with her taking this issue up with the Seelie Queen and not Simon directly (at least in the promo), because that boy can barely button his shirt properly these days, and he never asked to be a part of any of this. (The mark, or the shadow world in general.)

Alright, so that’s my stuff about Lilith. 

Now for the heart wrenching shit.

Jace is whole mess. He’s out here struggling, but the only good thing about this clip is the fact that it’s the real Jace! That means that Catarina was right, and Magnus was able to think outside the box (like the boss he is) and figure out a way to help Jace, even if it’s only temporary. 

The down side? He’s holding a knife, and appears to be begging Izzy to kill him with it. 

“If I go with you, she’s gonna find me. She’s gonna make me do worse.”

This is another up/downside. The gaps in Jace’s memory have probably been filled in now that he isn’t under Lilith’s spell, but now it looks like he knows what he’s done, and he’s terrified of having to do it again. So much so, that he’d rather die than risk her finding him. 

THIS IS WHY I WAS HOLLERING JUST NOW. 

I refuse to believe things managed to get this fucked up over the course of one episode. Jace may have his faults, but he doesn’t deserve this, just like he didn’t deserve losing control of his mind and being forced to go around harming people. They went through all the trouble of catching up with him and saving him, only to get him back scared and suicidal? 

What kind of fucked up shit is that? 

I know, I know. Don’t start. 

jAcE iS hOrRiBlE.

hE’s A bAd PeRsOn.

He DiD _____ sO hE dEsErVeS tO bE mEnTaLlY aNd PhYsIcAlLy AbUsEd AnD sExUalLy HaRrAsSeD bY tHe DeMoN lAdY.

rEmEmBeR wHeN jAcE *inserts old shit that literally no one cares about anymore*

If there was ever a time to focus on what was happening and why as opposed to who it was happening to - this is it. If this were any other character (literally a n y other character) you guys would be rioting. Shitty things don’t suddenly become less shitty when they’re happening to Jace, alright? Alright. 

I don’t have a theory for what’s going to happen, and it scares me, because I don’t want anything (else) bad to happen. If Jace gets seriously injured or killed, not only is it going to fuck me up, but it’s going to fuck Alec up; it would literally destroy him. And Clary, to the point where she may never forgive herself, just like when Alec couldn’t forgive himself for what happened to Jocelyn. And Izzy, because I know for a fact that if she’s the one to stab Jace and end up killing him, it’ll wreck her. Hell, even Simon would feel some type of way. 

This would effect everyone. Including my sappy ass, so I’d like things to start working out for Jace quick, fast, and in a hurry, if that’s alright with all of you. 

On one hand, I can’t wait for more promos, but then again, part of me wants to shut my eyes and not see anything else until next week. 

That’s all. Thanks for coming to my tipsy Ted Talk ft. me, and five shots of Jack. 

[drdln3-blog]

IN SEARCH OF GOD: The God of Spirituality

“God and spirit is not another worldly belief in fate, luck, chance, or coincidence. It is practical, reliable way to make sense of the real world, find peace in the midst of turmoil, and discover hope and joy.”

The questions about God have occupied our minds for centuries in one form or another. What is God? Does He really exist?  Why do we search for God?  Do religions really believe in the same God?  Why are there religious wars?  Such questions have been asked over and over again by humanity as such and by individual beings at different stages of their lives.  The mythology of God has created its own history. Human society changed from hunter gatherers to farmers with the invention of agriculture. The female God was replaced by the male God and violence was introduced in the name of religion. Instead of searching for God that is tangled up with violence and survival, today we should search for God of spirituality.

 “With SPIRITUALITY come Morality and does what's right. Spiritual people are not God-Less but honor the God in all of us”

 Religions and prophets have been preaching about God for centuries, and millions of people have developed faith in their concept.  The revolution of science and technology in this century has forced many of us to reevaluate the doctrines and tenets received through our religious traditions. Should we believe in creation or should we believe in evolution? Should we believe in heaven and His court of justice when we look up in the sky or should we believe in the space, the planets, and the galaxies up there?  I hope this write-up will provide a fresh insight into the mysteries about God -- and leave us wiser, peaceful, and enlightened.  Rather than underscore the conflict between religion and science and point to their mutual exclusivity, we need to unravel the strands in both and see the extent to which one augments the other.

 The concept of God has practical value, for the new generation of science and technology and people of 21st century, only if we are prepared to interiorize that concept in a unique manner.  A scientist may find it difficult to believe that some wise old man or woman sitting up in heaven is keeping track of everything; because “God does not micromanage our actions.” But the same scientist can't deny the incredible awareness and intelligence that exists in life, in nature, and in us.  It's being a scientist that makes us spiritual and believer.

 God is no more a theoretical concept that had been preached by most religions.  For the new generation of 21st century, we should be able to experience. This is the essential part of being a religious today. Meeting God, having vision, living with God 24 hours a day; that is what being a religious is all about.  The God is not in church or mosque or temple or gurdwara only that appears every Sunday.  God is also not sitting somewhere in the sky watching our actions.  The God is in us, the God is in congregation.  “If we can’t see God in all, we can’t see God at all.”  We need scriptures that can teach us all humans are capable of achieving union with God while still alive by realizing the Divine within.  We want to become one with God and experience it.

 We need scriptures, where god-realization teaches merger of soul (atma) with supreme soul/God (parmatma) and salvation (Jeewan Muktee). In such realization there is no heaven/no hell per se. All those are on this earth; and not separate places such as patal (netherworlds) and agas (sky) which has been misinterpreted as particular places by many theologians.

 We need scriptures like Guru Granth Sahib where Sikh Gurus and other contributors have defined God as Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Transcendental (Nirgun), Immanent (Sargun), creator, loving, kind, compassionate, caring, and in various other ways.

 We humans are the only species in the animal kingdom who are blessed with an analytical capacity and logic. We possess the only nervous system that is aware of the phenomenon of God, soul, reincarnation, hell, and heaven. Many of us question the existence of God we have known through religion and history!  Is God a creation of our own mind that is influenced by the environment? For example, most of those who grow up in a communist world, do not believe in God.  Could God be an "idea" depending on the climate, the environment, and the tradition in which we have been brought up?  Does God exist for us humans only-- the only species known to have a mind which fosters ideas?

 Because the concept of God helps many of us deal with ups and downs in life and keep the mind tranquil, could we be using the concept of God mainly to deal with life-crises.  I hope this write-up can provide a meaningful understanding of the questions we have raised here and many more that occupy our mind as well as a personalized answer to the questions which will conform to our nature as both rational and religious human beings.

Our purpose is not to create a new religion, sect or movement, but to understand the concept of God, which constitutes the spiritual basis of living. Such understanding will put us on a road to love and happiness irrespective of our faith.  

 In understanding God and Spirit, mind, in the way we use the word, is not just thought. It includes our emotions as well as all unconscious mental-emotional reactive patterns. Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body's reaction to your mind - or you might say a reflection of your mind in the body. "Spirituality is defined as the self, connected (by consciousness/energy) to The Higher Power. We are all part of the One Spirit. When one experiences the true meaning of spirituality, which is to know God, you will realize that He is your Self, and that He exists equally and impartially in all beings.

 The Self is the knower, the observer, and the witness. It sees everything and not seen by the seer. Our awareness of Being is consciousness. The body has no awareness of its own if it were not pervaded by consciousness; it would be just a lump of flesh. The mind has no awareness of its own and does not even have true intelligence. The mind can only think and doubt. It has beliefs, opinions, likes, dislikes but is not aware of anything. Awareness and true intelligence exist within the SELF". Ego, Intellect and Senses are barriers to Spirituality: "When the five senses are stilled and thinking has ceased, when the intellect does not stir, in between two thoughts, then one can enjoy the tranquility of mind and reaches the highest state of spirituality". The real spiritual experience is so profound that it wholly transforms the character of the individual.

 Unlike God in Semitic religions, “God of Spirituality” has no devils and evil. God is loving, kind, compassionate, caring, and omnipresent. The realization of “God of Spirituality” does not support the concept of God who punishes his creation for perceived sins and bad karma. Therefore, there is no doctrine of karma in any fatalistic or deterministic sense".

 "Why God is a Mystery"? Just as a bird flying in the infinite space does not leave any marks behind, similarly, God does not leave any footprints in the material world! God is Omnipresent but remains a 'Concept God', invisible to devotees: God is everywhere, in every atom of the visible and invisible Cosmos as a Power of evolution and involution. Thus the Universe itself is unfolding out of its own essence beyond the reach of our limited senses. There is no absolute proof of the presence of the Absolute, Infinite God. God cannot be confined within the limits of the finite experience of our limited body-mind-intellect apparatus. It will continue as a mystery unless we try to understand the laws of nature in light of scientific knowledge.

 God is not a logical proposition: you cannot prove it by logic; you cannot disprove it by logic. Logic is utterly irrelevant to God. God is an idea in theology, though we try to make it a reality. Science makes it real, because universal energy is real and in science god is accepted as universal energy or all powerful God.

 There is one Universal energy that we can call God, Allah, Ram, Parmatma, Hari, Lord of the Universe, Nature or any other name we choose. That energy is constant; it can neither be created nor destroyed. However, this energy can convert into matter and matter can convert back into energy. Therefore, everything is created out of this energy and goes back into this energy. All matter is a form created from formless Energy, and the creativity is infinite and method of self-creativity is a real wonder when we look at the creation and growth of living organisms. A scientist cannot deny the feeling of being startled at Nature's absolutely phenomenal and the most intelligent work of self-creation into all the complicated life forms including a human being through a greatly thoughtful and organized manner. This reminds me Albert Einstein when he said: " God does not play dice with the world." We may rephrase the above revelation that “The Creator is in the Creation, and the Creation is in the Creator.” That’s why it is impossible to see God, because He resides in us. Since we and God are one, we obviously can't see God, just as, for instance, an eye cannot see itself. This is like individual waves are part of the same ocean or individual rays are part of the same Sun. That is the ultimate truth.

 The one who realizes this truth have no enmity. Because we are created from the same source. That’s why "If we don't see God in all, we cannot see God at all." If we don't see others as an enemy, then there is also no fear. Fear is the product of others. One who realizes this truth is not only without enmity and fear, but is not afraid of getting old or of dying young. Also not afraid of reincarnation or hell or heaven. But such realization comes only to few who are blessed and try hard to realize this truth. That’s what is realization of God.

 Another way to look at the same point of view is: Many of us have been asking what is God: "We spend too much time in believing what we don't know. Those who believe in God; God is the very core of our being, it is like peeling an onion and reaching that central nothingness, which is God. The whole is God." The universe and God are one. There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity. All life is one; therefore, there cannot be God and man, nor a universe and God. A god not in the world is a false god, and a world not in God is unreal. All things return to one, and one operates in all.

 "God is neither Human Statue nor any Religion God. God is the Electromagnetic pulse of energy that gives life and lives within all."

 That is why God and spiritual man including all the prophets and saints may represent reflections of God. This metaphor/simile may help us understand. God is one like a moon. However, there may be numerous reflections of moon in pitchers full of water. We are like water pitchers representing reflections. When a pitcher breaks down the reflection is gone but moon is there. Just like this metaphor God is real and immortal but we including prophets come and go (because material aspect of energy is not permanent). Therefore no prophet is God. Because God is one and only one who is neither born nor dies. That is why we can say that God does not come in anthropomorphic form.

* Dr. Sukhraj S. Dhillon is an eminent Scientist with numerous research publications in life sciences who studied at Yale University and served as a Professor at University in North Carolina. He has written more than a dozen books on topics of Health, Aging, Vegetarianism, Weight control, Stress-free living, Meditation, Yoga, Power of Now, Spirituality, Soul, God, Science, and Religion. His articles and books are a pointer to his line of thinking including current publication. He has been the President, Chairman of the board, and life-trustee of a non-profit religious organization and has expressed his views in the congregation and at international seminars.  

 Reference: “IN SEARCH OF GOD: God Of Spirituality” available from popular booksellers throughout the world including Amazon Kindle and Barnes & Noble.

[ https://www.amazon.com/Dr.-Sukhraj-S.-Dhillon/e/B004584DL0  http://goo.gl/XE97WR ]

[lostdiariesof]

I picked up a few things about people from my few years as a wannabe pua in nyc. Prove me wrong but in the most honest parts of our souls, everybody gets lonely and nobody wants to be alone - given the option to. Even the hardest, darkest, most detached people has yet to disproved this hypothesis.

Since my last relationship, I started making peace with walking through life alone.. girl’s got shit to do and I’m tired of giving.. nobody from my past has provided better solace than my solitude. Don’t touch my jigsaw!

So what are we all looking for if nobody wants to be alone?

See, life is a journey of growth. There are lessons we need to get through to complete this cycle of life. Lessons make life hard but nourishes the soul. We all want someone who can hold our hand while we work through our lessons.. nobody wants to be with someone who IS a lesson.

Broken people don’t know how to love. It is hypothetically impossible (how does one offer love when they’re just looking for someone to do their hard work of life?) One can only love another when they’ve learned to love themselves - everyone knows this but I’ve met few that practice this.

#conversationswithbabe

[fireflyof-hope]

Loving the Dangerously Broken (March 2020)

DEAR MARK- I really hope the best for you, and in your life. I hope you dont end up in prison, at eastern, or dead. I hope you can get the help you need, to rewire the parts of you that are so jagged and broken, that as a survival coping mechanism to deal with such pain, your soul openly hugged insanity for any escape from your turmoil. It's not your fault, that all you know now is survival and pain. Not your fault, that you lack the ability to trust anyone, including people willing to get hurt for you, or with you if it meant lessening the weight of your pain even a tiny bit. We are products of our environments. You are living proof of how cruel this world is, and what can become of us who lose everything to live for. You are living proof that some people can live through immense pain, without having no purpose to reason to continue. You are living proof that sometimes survival wins, and even without anything to live for, you havent taken your own life. I hope one day your heart, mind, soul, spirit can find true peace. I hope humbleness and peace overcome your paranoia when you put your heart into being the best you that you can be, when you open your eyes enough to realize, that you can only save yourself, and have the power to create the outcome of your life. I dont want to see you, nor do I care for much for having contact, but the impact you had on my life, I'll never forget. You've managed to become the inner voice that lives inside me, that makes me question my own choices, and if they are logically safe for me. Your voice of reason and protection echos inside me now. I'll always love you, but love wasn't enough for us. Our damages were just far to great, neither of us being healed enough to not have anything but toxic intimate relationships. It greatly saddens me, that this whole time we've known each other, you always thought that I was trying to get you in trouble be it with cops, friends, family, exs or whoever. You always thought I was faking tears, or intentionally acting like a victim, as an attempt to make you look like a POS. Fact is, I couldnt fake tears if my life was dependeing on it. I wish now, that I never cried and allowed myself to be so broken and vulnerable around you, because you could only ever get it twisted and think badly of me when I let myself feel pain around you. You always thought more was going on than what you could see or hear, than what was even possible at times. I will forever be haunted by your suspicious comments towards me, like "What's really going on Joelle?". I felt so bad, helpless, and sometimes horrible that I didnt understand you being suspicious of me, even felt worse that I had nothing to say to you in respond, because there honestly was nothing shady or sneaky ever going on at my house, despite what you convienced yourself of and what you were set on determined to beileve. Any efforts to show you nothing was ever going on, failed because your ego was to prideful to let itself be faced with anything that gave you any room to have to question your sanity. You always over analyzed everything, and determined that you were being set up somehow, someway, by someone or something. You always thought various people were hiding from you, everywhere you went, now just my place. You somehow put it together in your head, that you'd be worth the effort, time, and the actual self neglect by not eating or using bathroom it would require from any person who had any willingness, or time to waste of thier own life, to even hide from you, while remain in the same building. I dont know a single person, who would be so absurd to take the time from their own life, their own comforts in order to stalk, or hide from you. Honestly, and logically, I believe that even your enemies wouldnt go out of thier way to waste time out of their life on such extreme levels to hide in your mom's basement, Lorenda's basement, or in a nasty attic where someone had killed themselve all for the sake of hiding from a crazy paranoid guy who constantly yelled at bickered at any noise around. Not even for shits a d giggles would a person want to hide from you. Sure you might have fucked up in life, done people dirty, or seriously hurt people, but even at that, no one would ever make personal vengeance against you what they live for. Despite what you think, I will confidently, lovingly and bluntly tell you as a matter of fact, that it is no ones life mission to destroy you or fuck with you. Wish you could see it, that you really arent that special of a person. Your paranoid thinking about people being sneaky and hiding from you was just so absurd, and even impossible when you actually try to use reason with how you thought these things. People all have thier own lifes to worry about, and I promises no one wants to take any time away from the real important things in their life all for the sake of keeping a paranoid tweaker on edge. It's not funny, not amusing to watch you distrust everyone and everything around you, even the people who have opened thier heart, and home to you. It's not a joke. You are not a joke when you get this way. It's actually very hurtful, pitiful, sad, and frustrating when you refuse to combat your paranoia with logical reason. Your so smart, I know you can combat your paranoia with your own logic and reason, if you would only try. For your own sake, I dont get why you havent even tried, other than maybe its your prideful ego, maybe the importance of being right on your first impuslive thought of what you assume is going on, just sadly means far to much to you, or maybe Kevin is right, and the even sadder possibly for why you dont try using logic or reason when you think someone is hiding from you, is that your paranoia isnt even real, that its all just a fat act you put on, because you want or like special attention from people having to question you, even if they begin to fear and hurt for your sanity. I just couldnt ever understand how nearly ever single time you let your paranoid thinking overpower your intelligence. Seriously how you be so paranoid that your intelligence vanishes in those moments, so unless either the paranoia was really a fake act, or you faked being intelligent, to hide and cover up how much of an idiot you are. I've tried hard to understand your paranoia, to understand all of you and what makes you tick as you do, I wanted so badly to help you. I have no answers, I have only theories that scare me about you faking paranoia and/or insanity, or you lying about your own intelligence. I've realized that there is just impossible for the genius that you have claimed to be, to not be able to rationalize and reason with your own paraniod behaviors and/or thoughts. Do you listen to much to your fearful and wild imagination when paranoia causes panic to settle in? Did you just imagine people sneaking around hiding from you and plotting against you? When and why do you let your imagination cross over into externally reality? Is there a trigger? Do your memories, or inner pain associated with the person who you think is hiding from you trigger painful flashbacks with the person that your mind chooses to beileve is hiding from you? At what moment within your frantic racing thoughts, do you stop being able to separate and reason what your truama and imagination have you thinking is happening, vs what is our shared external reality, aka what is really happening, where you can prove or disprove your paranoia if you allowed yourself. You always hold back, on fact checking yourself in reality. It's not hard to disprove your paranoid thoughts, if you would only try more. That's part of the issue, everytime you've been on a wild goose chase in my house, your paranoia was always 100% been wrong and disproven. I think sometimes that being right is most important to you, maybe you'd rather not even clarify for your own peace of mind, because you don't want to risk the proof or embarrassment that your mind is anything but perfect. Maybe your pride is just delicate, and you'd rather not know, than to know for sure, and admit to yourself that it's your overactive mind having an episode that's now took control of you of your reasoning skills, making you seem like a arrogant lunatic, jackass and a fool to yourself and anyone around. I'm still learning to not take it so harshly, and so personally hurtful that it can be so easy for you to beileve that the very same person who opened thier home to you, risked all they have by even associating with knowing you, who forgives you constantly, who writes to you if you go to jail, who isnt even bothered by the fact you might not be sane or even safe, and even considers you to be one with them, as if you are part of the house family, the person who got nothing but endless ride or die love for you and only seeks to nurture and sooth your paranoia in hopes it can vanish, the person that you feel safe enough to fall asleep with, the person who would stay the night in Newport in their car for you and fight the systems bullshit by your side, the same person who discards people who try to force them to cut you off, the same person who ignores the darker parts of you, the same person that wants to count on you so badly, the same person who bite off the head of any person to dare speak of you like your a monster, the same person who tries so hard with nothing but love and healing intentions to get through to your thick skull, the same person who your existence in thier life allowed your impact to be so great, the same person who broke and ditched the heart of their mexican high school sweetheart all for you, the same person who is a bit damaged and broken by life just like you, the same person who unsuccessfully tries very hard to give up on you but just can't, the same person who has a worn out heart because all the effort and energy they put into ressuraning and loving you even when it was only ever a losing battle, the same person who's effort and loyalty towards you remained unshakable, the same person who wants to hate themselve for how much they love you, the same person who recklessly gave a felon/criminal their priceless heart to only to end up feeling unappreciated and depleted entirelly, the same person who fears and hurts when your suffering, the person who wants the best for you in life whether it's with or without them in it, the same person who wants you to realize such things about yourself so you can decide how and who you want to be and gain control of your mind back, the very same person that you seemed to push away of the love of, and punish with painfully doubting everything they stood for in loving you, the same person who cherished the time they had with you in the moments that matter rather than paying any mind to your outrageous wild goose chases, the same person who would use their own body as a shield over your body when fear of being shot dead paralyzed you, the same person who continues to die and bleed out while determined to climb over your thick painful spikey wall, the same person that loves you so much that they found enough value in themselve to not have meaningless sex, the same person who has undying painful hope in you when you havent even given them a reason to continue hope, the same person who only ever wanted you to feel and accept such crazy love they have for you, the same person who gets to feel more pain than love come from you but choses to love you regardless, because they are selfsacrficing, and dont love you for their benefit, but chose to love you, for yours, the same person for forgave you at your very worse towards them, the same person who deserves so much better treatment and yet wants no one else, the same open who has nothing to hide, is a complete open book, and operates on being a healer, the same person who actually got ran over and nearly died because they couldnt help but have such adoration and fondness over you... this person, is all actually the very same person that youd rather believe is lying about no one being in the attic or whatever sneakness you think is happening, the same person that you'd rather beileve has something to hide, the same person you'd rather distrust and doubt, the same person you beileve wants you beat up or in prison, the same person you'd rather beileve cant own up to thier bullshit, that you'd rather beileve is sneaky around doing sexual acts, the same person's who house you do but dont feel safe at, the same person you enjoy calling names and lashing out at, the same person you think you read the emotion of, the same person who can be crying to themselves for thier own reasons who you heartlessly and suddenly accuse of laughing at you, the same person you think is fun to make angry, the same person that you trash the room of and show no value or respectful for, same person that you beileve is lying about noises, the same person that you think behind it all on some freak show of a malicious plot, it's the same person you think always has another agenda in mind, it's the same person who gets dragged through mud by ignoring themselve inwardly and by staying so focused on only just helping lessen your pain, paranoia, and doubts, the same person who's unconditionally loved you without expectations, same person who cant stop loving you who only hope that one day the love they have for you can reach deeper than any pain you've felt and all accusation, doubts can disappear into nothingness. The same person who's heart is broken, who's entire world shakes when facing the reality that the doubts never ended and that there was never any trust no matter what everything they tried to do right by you, the same person who feels utterly ripped into pieces by your disbelief and doubts, the same person that found love for themselve through all the pain they felt that came with loving a broken forbidden impossible person. It really breaks my heart, that this person I've described willing to endure so much, give so much, and end up so much more broken inside all for you, is in fact ME. I was just to eager to give love to someone, who had maybe never known real love, and that's on me. I should have ran when I had the chance, like anyone in thier right mind would do. I'm talking about details of your paranoia so much, because that's how our first fight started, and I beileve is the core issue in a lot of our fights. You'd rather beileve that after all I've done for you, and would do for you, that me the person who wants you to feel love greater than pain, wants you to feel the safest and be able to have internal peace and self love so that you can heal, and overcome your pain and paranoia. I want so desperately to make a difference and be the loving healer that people like you have searched for all thier life. I really do live to bring light, and hope to others, for you to even think that I could possibly have the ability to set you up, lie to you, ruin your life or do you wrong in anyway, straight crushes my soul. This whole time you've known me, you haven't really known my heart, your accusations, doubts, distrust, disbelief that I ever want to intentionally go against you, is proof of just how much of a stranger you've stayed to my heart. It hurts very badly. God only knows if you actually really do care for me, if you will ever actually read this I dont even know. You'd rather believe that I'm lying to you about people, my house, my attic over the idea of having to admit to yourself, that maybe you are losing it a bit. It's easier for you to beileve that the person who will probably intimately love you more deeply in your life than any other person is capable of is untruth, is intent on destroying what's even left on you. I dont know what to do anymore, sit with my pain and grieve it maybe, again it turns I'm that I'm just throwawayable chopped liver in the life of who Ive dearly love, with more fierce love to give that I didnt even know I had. I feel my efforts, energy, words, heart, loyalty, tears, my forgiveness, honesty, patience, pain, heartbrake is just all worthless to you. Why did you trick my heart, when you never trusted it and never even wanted it? All the pain and doubts that I've endure from you the entire time I've known you, it's all been for you, the dangerously broken one, who had managed to help me feel alive again without even meaning to. I feel like I've wasted my time and my love, on someone who couldnt even see me standing there trying to help you to carry your pain, despite any potential risk to myself. I tried to kill the monster within you with the purest love that I'm capable of, and yet that same monster it seems, would rather kill the light within me, than let down its guard and wholeheartedly believe that someone be capable of loving it and embracing it as if it were my own. Your monster is a reflection of your soul's deepest pain, and it doesnt scare me. I've never considered you to be a joke or a fool with your paranoia. I know that you arent a joke, and my heart doesnt operate of thinking it's funny to see such loved ones hurting. It pisses the fuck off you think I'm some sick person who is capable of laughing at your misery. Ive loved you with the purest love and intentions I've had to give, and it wasn't even good enough. In you thinking your pain, brings me laughter to any degrees has again shown more proof that you've actually stayed a stranger to my heart. I've never been called a liar or accused of being a sick fuck that enjoys when people hurt in ALL of my entire life until you. You really dont think healers, who selflessly try to better the world and give impossible broken people like you hope actually exist dont you? Your a stranger to my heart, because you dont even believe what drives my heart to continue to beat even through my own brokenness. Why did you asked if I was an angel all those times, when you wouldnt beileve me anyway? Im someone with such a powerful heart and the rare gift of such intense love to give that has the power to move mountains. And here I am moving mountains for someone who doesnt even see me, stretching myself out so thin, with just barely enough hope that it will all me something to you. I really hope that you didnt just act out your paranoia this entire time for your own amusement. I hope I fell for a real person, and not some gaint act. I'm the joke and the fool for possibly loving a felon and a person who might live thier life acting. I will straight say with nothing but love for you, that your paranoid thoughts have always been 110% WRONG. I know you couldnt help it, you just knew survival so well, and the things that you've already been through. Never have I tried to get you in trouble purposely. Never had even been a throught or objective of mine. I DONT live my life with the agenda of destroying broken souls. Broken soul and me find each other naturally, yes, but I just try to shine light on reasons to get back up again when their darkest is drowning them, when pain is to intense to see any good in life, I can only try to show them any reason, light, hope to not give up on themselves. I dont live my live trying to ruin people that I love. I just dont, that is my word, mind, heart, soul and my bond. That is what makes me, me. The whole reason I ever took my chances with you as a roommate even though, I knew you were a wrecking ball, because i saw behind those sad eyes, behind the hustling, behind the needles, behind the drug use, behind the distrust and paranoia of the world, were such loud soul wrecking- ear piercing cries for help, cries for love, even though you already knew that you didnt know how to accept what you really longed for most, unconditional love. Someone who would get you, understand all of you, and still love you through all the pain, anger, bad, grief, passion, love, darkness, selfishness, selflessness, stubbornness, abusiveness towards yourself & others. I live trying to build broken people up by bringing out their rawness and showing them, even at their worse, they deserve to feel loved to. I live my life trying to bring people light and hope, because I'm lost and broken myself and in helping people, i find reason not to kill myself. I loved to feel needed, love to nurture, love to pant seeds of hope in the shattered hopeless souls and hearts. I love to feel like I'm making a real difference for anyone in life, even if I only made a difference for but a moment in another's life. I dont know if i actually make a difference to you, and that's okay. In my heart I've succeeded in how I had shown you, that even your darkest, your most feared demons deserve to be loved, unconditionally. If only you had felt loved all your life, those demons wouldnt have such power within you, if only the world didnt rob you of being a father, how much different of a person you would be. Love is foolish, and I love all of you, just as you are. I've always been me, Mark. The girl who tries to bring people back to life, because I painfully understand all to well what that inner void feels like of having lost all that I was living for. No lies. No bullshit. No acting. I PROMISE you that no one has ever hid from you in my attic, accept for me myself when I needed space. You always wanted me to and demanded of me to "own up to my bullshit" in your hurtful accusatory ways, well fine. Here we go. I'll proudly own up to it, and who I've become now. I own up to how I allowed myself to fall in love with the most too far gone, most broken, most dangerous, most worthwhile, most doubtful, most hurtful, most strongest at surviving, most saddest, most childlike, and yet the most wise wild and goofy person, that I've ever known in my life, and although there is continually great heavy pain, I will never regret having known you, and you cant make me. I will love you, with or without contact. My spirit stays with you. You can run, you can hide, but my love for you is carried inside. The person who had been my greatest life mentor and teacher in my life, as been unregrettably, non the less, you Mark Conner. Maybe it wasn't me who was suppose to make a difference in your life, maybe it was you who purpose was to completely shake and rock my entire heart and world.... and my goodness, you fucking did! I now have new strength, self love, and survival instincts within myself, that I didnt know even existed. I'd rather have an empty bed, and no cuddles than to be with less that I deserve, than to tolerant bullshit treatment from myself, or anyone else. I feel okay being alone now. Actually okay in my own skin now. Holy shit the chick who tried to pay $200 to kevin just for cuddles, the chick who brought $100 stuffed animal to cuddle, the chick who had reckless sex and let people use her with just mere hope that someone could really love me, need me, just a little bit. Im the very co dependent chick, who never couldnt picture herself single, never picture myself alive without no man at my side, and with no kids at my side to pour my precious love into. Im the burdensome chick who was always desperate for closeness, would settled for anyone who would give it. Your own darkness and pain brought to light for me, my own inner power, and as it turns out, I'm dont being prey that men/predators thirst for and seek out to just use and discard. Done playing the mental games of others who I was just trying to show them the way out of consuming darkenss. I know now, my thoughts and my reactions to my thoughts and feelings, are what allow me to be the creator of the outcomes in my life. Even if you really truly are a hopeless tweaker, a monster, or some unsolved mysterious wonder Mark, I refuse to accept that there is no hope for you, even if you've made a mess out of my heart by turning me to chopped liver by trusting paranoia over love. I refuse to beileve you cant do better for yourself. I refuse to think your future will be in prison or eastern. I gave up on us as a couple, at least for now, but I havent, and will not give up on you as a person. Your heart feeling sincerely loved, is worth all the pain I've endured, that I'd go through repeatly for you if I had to. All I can do is still have hope for you, for YOUR sake, because you deserve to not live in such torment, to never be able to feel safe, to never feel trust, to always think that something, or someone, somewhere is plotting against you no matter where your at or who your around. I've fallen for and have embraced and chosen to love the toxic impossible parts of you, even if I do discarded, or dont feel loved in return. I dont love you without expectations for my benefit, I love you for your benefit. You would not be you, without your imperfections, and I love every bit of you so much, that I cant be around to watch you destroy/hurt yourself, and/or your loved ones unintentionally. I know when you hurt others and are aware of it, the painful guilt you have to live with inside, for surviving the ways the you knew how, is your greatest enemy. You are you own enemy. You hold yourself to the highest standards. You can't forgive yourself either, that grudge you hold against yourself is so power, that you cant see it when others have already forgiven you and have attempted to move forward with you in the present moment. Your own survival game is real. Your intense af, and your brokeness, your intense emotions, your pain, your will to survive, is how I was able to feel alive again, instead of just floating around like some darkness engulfed broken depressed empty lifeless thing that only desired for death. That isnt me anymore, thanks to knowing you, and mostly thanks to me for seeing myself through my own loving eyes and ways. One day I hope Mark that your PTSD gets treated, and that you can learn how to just live and cruise through life enjoy all life has to offer instead of fear it. One day I hope you can feel safe in your own skin, with the people who love you. Home is where the heart is, but your heart is in so much pain, that your in denial of even having a safe loving home. Your insecurity and vindictiveness got you to cut my vibrator cord at some point, and has your goodbye to me, you poured gatorade on my jeep seat like a child having a tantrum as if I had done something to even deserve that episode from you in my jeep, joke is on me for loving the impossible. I went from being all eager to feel valued and worthy by a good steady stable man, to developing actual self value. Im awake now, and there is no going back. No one can take that away self value from me, and it cant abandon me. Your solo ways, have taught me much needed tools to get through life when it storms. I dont care about our feelings towards each other, I just care that you one day can see and feel your own inner power to. I'd often wonder if there was a God, how dare you have been made to suffer all your life, but your right when you told Trina when we were both in Springdale, that "God wouldnt ever give us more than we could handle." Your darkness, your incredible survival rate, the deep footprints (or should I say BMX tire tracks) that you leave behind you, that you left on my heart, are very loud, and impossible to be overlooked by someone with a very rare and real heart like mine. The broken who cant escape darkness because they chose to run back into the fire (pits of hell) trying to save people from bone chilling pain, because we understood it, and have endured it ourself with no real escape. Empaths, healers, people who can see the good in you, know what I'm talking about. You showed survival be possible with nothing to live for, and you lead the way, for probably not just me, but others who have lost their way and own sense of hope or belonging. If you couldnt see no way, you created a way, and I'll cherish witnessing how you could start from nothing, and how you just kept going, no matter the curveballs. You didnt surrender your life to this hell, even when you've felt dead and hopeless inside, even when the flames gave you third degree burns. Your living prove at how possible life is, even when you have nothing, but yourself. "Coming in hot!!" You'd say. Damn right you are hot, you came into my life on fire from both hell and holy flames. You can light a fire within anyone, who can see into and feel your very wounded, yet shattered warrior soul, or at least, you did for me. I hope that counts as something towards you finding self love. I want you to see your value, through my eyes, my heart, my soul. I want you to feel it in the core of your being and never doubt that you are so very loved, never doubt that you make a difference in someone's life, to love yourself enough to be able to stop thinking that your just a failure, to stop thinking that your loved ones think or fear that your just some psycho monster. You ignited my healing firefly flames again, which were well burnt out after my divorce, Trench suicide, Ordai's betrayal, and my children having to live in a different place than me. I'm a firefly Mark, I was given that nickname for a very real reason, when times are dark, I still have light flickering, even if the darkest of places, it's my gift to still have light and life within me to share when others have died inside. I'm glad we touched each others lifes. I had no beacon of hope, until you, I was always the person, everyone themselves turned to for help... it was finally my turn to get the help, get the inner healing, that I didnt realize I ever needed, through knowing and having such love developed for you inspite the pain. You unintentionally lead the way, and even paved it for me. Us going through our own individual inner hells, and how you left me alone at the many times when you knew I could handle it. You didnt piggyback me through hardships, instead coldly, and harshly, you demanded I got up and fought my will to die away, you didnt jump in and saved me from my self hating bullshit, you did more more for me. By watching you torment yourself mentally, you brutally and painfully taught me the strength it takes and how to have power over my own darkness that tries to control my life. You showed me, and unknownly taught me how to save myself. For that, I will always be thankful. Mentally a lot of what we both went through together was just flat abusive, but through the sick mental illnesses we both suffered, and the shit that we dragged each other through, I've trained myself very well in adapting whatever life throws at me. Stress doesnt break me anymore. Rarely does anything scare me anymore, I'm scared of loved ones dying, scared of unintentionally hurting people I love, but that is about it for my fears. I want you to face it, like a man should, that whether you believe yourself to be a prison/drug/felony flats-made monster, You just might of did something good, and wonderful, and life/heart/soul changing for someone you love in your life. I want you to own it that you arent all bad, that through your existence, I picked up on self love, self value, and survival tactics. I also didnt know had it in me to love such scary, damaged, spung out of their mind, hurtful yet loving in balanced ways, unpredictable, unstable, controlling, broken, addicted, pos, dangerous and yet safe, insane, older gentlemen with southern/Christian ethics, and just all around love a person who could actually survive so much pain. I'm your biggest fan and cheerleader. Ordai a long time ago when he first left Feb 2019, Nick told him that my buddy would go after him with a gun. I'm sure or at least hope that Ordai knows kevin now, and can see how ridiculous it was back than to be in fear of Kevin coming after him with a gun, but Nick had created those fears in Ordai, in hopes ordai wouldnt come around me ever again. But as it turns out no was ever gun needed, I was given something far more special in meeting and falling in love with you. Thank the universe, the trees, Kevin, drugs, ex roommates, Ordai for first leaving me, or even thank God for me knowing you, because I now wield a secret invisible gun at my side, thats well cared for, well polished, and locked away when it's not needed. This gun that I call self love and survival, is the only weapon I need, and it was you that taught me how to aim with it. I'm unbreakable now. Thank you Mark, if you get nothing out of this message, than please just try to be good to yourself, gentle on yourself, because you do create inner miracles within at least with me. You will never be a lost cause, no matter how much you try, it's to late for you to not have worth to me. Your impact on my life, is part of who I am now. I didnt even figure that in loving a man so much who is so rough and jagged around the edges, a felon, a broken surving badass who lost so much in life, that I'd end up becoming a badass myself. May warmth, and love, not doubt or paranoia follow you, and be with you everywhere. THE AFTERMATH & PROCESSING OF MY THOUGHTS Now I'm realize, my upbringing.... it wasn't my fault, I didnt ask for it, I didnt do anything wrong to deserve it, that my parents neglectfulness wasn't because they didnt love me and my brother. But it was only because they both had a very deep lack of love for themselves, and learned to cope through making pain with emotion numbing substancesain order to survive. I cant even be mad at my parents as an adult for kt. They didnt mean it. Nor could they even ever comprehend the long-term outcome it would have on thier full grown children unable to stop questioning love, and at a painful war with having to decide to chose whether or not to hate themselve, or to love themselve. I realized we each have our own power within us, and I will be a model of self love now, no more self destructive bullshit. My children will know love. They will feel so overall loved and overwhelmed with love, that they wont have to experience questioning the love either of their parents have for them. My children deserve to have a mother who loves herself and can thrive and be happy, with or without a partner. I'm worth the entire world to my kids whether I'm with them or not, and that wont go unnoticed by me again. Loving myself shouldnt be to difficult, now that I chose to open my eyes, and see my priceless value. I'm actually not the garbage that I treated myself to be. I let the actions, or lack of actions of others hurt me a good bit, but I know that I'm not chopped liver. I have so much to give to myself, and those who have endlessly loved me when I couldnt love myself. I have so much to live for. My existance can and might one day be just one living proof of an example for other shattered by life, broken and self hating souls. Through how I love and live, maybe people can start to uncover their own inner voice, worth, and love. Its amazing at how much power and control we have in our lifes, to share with all we cross paths with, if we chose to take back our life and become our own pilots. Its magically to become the love that I've needed my entire life, instead of putting it in the hands of others, instead of burying the ability to love myself because I blamed myself for my life, instead of substance abuse, instead of lashing out and hurting others we love out of never knowing how to accept being loved. I think I might have figured out a major life hack, and the short cut to inner healing through our own childhood and past relationships.This shortcut to happiness might be real? What we think, we create and become, we are the masters of ourselves. The answers to how to be alone, and not dependent on another's value and love for us, can only be found within our own self. Not another person, not substances, not money, not travel, not sex, not working, and not escaping from reality with friends, tv, videos games or school are part of it. Gotta be okay with facing yourself, head on without distractions. I've tried so hard, and for such a long time to hope for a sincere strong willed, adventurous, steady, and stable, man, who just incapable of abandonment, abuse, or giving up without any effort. I wanted my fairytale to be real, wanted a man to come along and magically love me unconditionally in the ways my broken self had always freely given, but had gone without. Ive learned that no perfect match for me exists. The joke was on me, but the fact is, I acccidentally fell in love with the least likely type of person that I would ever let in or trust in my life and heart. I blindy fell for someone and I knew it was the most toxic relationship that I would ever experience, yet my idiotic heart didnt care. I learned that happy ever after is a overrated unreal concept. Through this on and off crazy yoyo relationship I had over the period of a year with Mark, I started to give up entirelly on the idea of my heart being unconditionally loved and accepted without expections. I seemed to feel accepted just for being me with all my intenseness, my wildness, my BPD, my selfless ride or die love, and my total inner indecisiveness about whether I'm monogamous, polyamorous, open to kinks, or if I had just enjoyed bring healing energy to others through intimacy. All I knew was that just once, I didnt want to feel like loving all of me would be such an inconvenience for someone, just once I wanted to experience feeling that I was more than enough, instead of less than what was hoped for. I dont know if the cupid in my life just is a wingnuts or what happened, because I fell in love with the complete opposite of what I'd ever search for within a potential partner. I fell for the most broken, dangerous, controlling, closed minded, arrogant, possessive, needy, lost, abusive and damaged soul that I had ever come to know. The hardest part about loving this person, was how full of expections he was for me, and how he didnt agree with how the healer within me freely gave endless love to broken souls like ourselves. He couldnt love the core healer that I truly was inside, that even make me, me. The only reason I even could befriend this guy in the beginning, was because the way my healing empathic heart could hear and even feel the pain his heart would sing. It seemed he was only out to try change and shape my heart. It seemed that his greed wanted to kill the healer inside of me, instead of love me for the healer that I was.... This experience taught me so much. I wasn't willing to bend to his demands and expections, I wanted to be free to be true to myself. Many times I'd be feeling so down on myself about his treatment towards me, I'd isolate myself to my room out of fear of upsetting him if I was to try to hang out with my roommates. I allowed him to put distance between me and others, and even allowed his presents in my life and home chase people away from me. At times I didnt even feel like my life was my own, I just did what was I told, just did what I knew was allowed, just barely even allowed myself to move, use my phone at all, or cook or use the bathroom, or even breath in the wrong way with him around me, because that was the only way to stop the painful demeaning nonstop doubts and accusations. I automatically started obeying all his passive aggressive signals, in order to keep any sense of peace in my life. I felt trapt as my life became constantly just tipy toeying on eggshells, receiving lots of concerned looks from friends and very bad inner anxiety in the mist of trying to keep the most impossible, dangerously broken man happy at the cost of allowing myself to get robbed of everything I was.... I stopped feeling like this man loved or cared for me at all, because while I was being a stranger to myself, he was a stranger to my heart. My feelings and emotions when mentioned went entirely ignored, or back fired on me and gave him reasons to guilt me into feeling worthless by just trying to be me. Only he mattered, his greed, no one and nothing else. My voice, values, beliefs werent ever even heard in his mind. He just demanded that he be the Alfa while telling me hurtful things to crush my spirit. I couldnt use my phone, playing video games, do art, or listen to my own music without his attitude changing on me, he was okay with my entire life stopping, if it meant that my focus was on him and nowhere else be it person, animal, nature, errand, or hobby. I wanted this man to feel loved so badly, wanted him to trust me, to stop doubting me, so I willingly self sacrificed, overlooking myself, my own free will, because I had desperately hoped it would all be for something, hoped with time that he would loosen up, that he would open his eyes and realize just how much he was suffocating the life out of me. He didnt, it didnt get better, when I expressed how at times everyone needs breaks from each other, his grip on me would get even tighter. At times it got to the point in our fights to where I'd just have to take off, away from him, to where I'd find myself hiding from him in my own house silently letting tears fall, because only in that very moment of hiding, could I even seriously fully take deep breaths again. It's threw going through this time with him, that I gained a backbone with how I would let him treat me. The break I got from him felt so good, that I learned to pamper myself in the little moments I had to myself. I began to learn self love through this scary possessive abusivness. I learned that I could never do right by him, and that he would always need someone to control of entire day of in his life. After learning that from someone who also loves him and been in my shoes, naturally my heart and adoration started to repell and withdraw from him. It was about time that i embraced some of the love that I freely gave away and would throw into the darkness hoping it would touch the life of someone who'd value and cherish it. It's about time that I allowed my own damaged heart, to grieve, heal, and feel the absolute love that I carried within myself. It was a lucky miracle that became and gave to myself what I couldnt find in a man. I literally embodied and became love, as a result of feeling of the lack of safe comforting love, and no one can take it from me. That is such power. My life is my life. I'm responsible for myself, not the entire world. I must be good to myself first, so others can witness and feel the best of my healing heart and soul, so it wont be hard for others to just naturally feel they are valued and loved by me, instead of having to only witness and share in just feeling the pain I hadn't accepted within myself. I am much more than just my darkness. I do more than just drown, in fact I was giving up feeling alive, before my own survival called bullshit and my own hidden will to live forced me to learn to stand up for myself and on my own. I survived it all, but the fact that I had allowed myself to go through such a thing, reflected that I was my own worst enemy. Sure that I took a dangerous risky route, to find self love. That it did in fact take me falling in love with, and seeing the only the best within a very deeply disturbed, broken, truamatized, and paranoid person who needs the type of help that goes beyond my control and power, to see that the only way to survive through the dark hardships of life, and the pain that comes with unconditionally loving impossible people, was to learn to love myself, find truth and beauty in my own pain and grow from it instead of become a monster myself. I'd learn to be, what I needed and couldnt find. I wish for all the broke souls I love in my life, for their eyes, hearts, minds to be open to their own inner power. This abusive man who I very dearly do love, torments himself greater than it even be possible for another human to do to him. It was honestly through being part of watching him destructively cope with his sadness, paranoid thinking, helplessness, unforgiveness and lack of trust towards himself, and the inner misery he inflicts on himself, that I was even able to recognize myself, and how much I was alike to him within our inner pain. I felt trapt in ways of never knowing how to stop repeatly breaking myself through using the pain I've lived to justify all ill treatment towards myself from myself and all my interactions with people. He cant save himself, but he isnt a failure. Somehow he taught me how to save myself by isolating and silencing me, by being my most toxic relationship, and by watching him drown himself and survive the entire time. It was through the worse mental pain I felt and seen in life, that wasn't even my own that I was lucky to been gifted such an ability to intensely directly empath the pain from Mark's inner turmoil. It was within hurting so deeply and helplessly for him while he allowed himself to burn alive and internally suffer deeper as he lashed out and hurt people who he said he loved, that Mark had accidentally showed me the way out of our own inner hell. I didnt want him to hurt alone, didnt want him to roll over and surrender his life, so i let the flames that continued to burn and consume his fragmented self, also lick me. I tolerated absurd bullshit and treatment for long, because that is the nature of my love, to ways forgive, to ways see the best, to kill everything I know with love. I willing chose to love the darkness and demons that had shown him how to survive. I decided that it was wrong of me to have expectations on how he should love me, especially when he couldnt even love himself, and was quickly becoming more and more of a stranger to my heart. I only started diving into self love, because I had helplessly hoped for so long that Mark would find it for himself, so that he could be able to heal and see the endless love and light that lays right beyond the all consuming pain that keeps his soul dead. I love myself now, I had to learn it quickly for my own survival and sanity after I would embrace his flames, and let them surround me with flame kisses and burn me alive, along with him. Mark is like that of a burn victim. The on going effects of his trauma have been everlasting. I got out and away from my hell engulfing me, I can only hope that he isnt too far gone himself, and that he would stop squeezing his eyes so tightly shut from the pain he experiences. If he just opens his eyes wide enough to see, there is a way out, that pain doesnt have to consume him, that only he can put his own fire out, and find inner love and forgiveness for himself, how much he could change his entire life around. He just needs to see and come back to reality just enough to register that the waterhose to put the fire's flames out he is already gripping in his hand. He can stop the burning so easy, so quickly and regain his life back, find his self love, just like I'm doing, he just has to chose the outcome he wants in life.

[grandmotherweb]

From 'Rude Questions To Ask LB Lee'

We do education on multiplicity, so we get asked a lot of questions. That's okay! The problem comes when we get asked rude questions over and over. Alternately, some folks are so scared of offending us that they won't ask anything, which is its own problem.

So we're here to help! We're going to put all those rude questions and their answers in one big post. That way, people get to learn and we never have to answer these questions in person again! 

Question: Are you dangerous?

If there was ever a question we wish we never had to answer again, it would be "are you dangerous?" We understand why people ask it (after all, we usually get depicted as axe-murderers in movies) but it's still a little soul-crushing.

If you really wanted to get philosophical about it, just about anyone could be dangerous in certain environments, and we're no exception to that. I mean, sure, Sneak would like to think that ze's a very nice person who would never hurt anybody, but then again, ze's never been put into a situation where ze's had to.

So this question is, in a way, impossible to answer, and yet, nobody asks this before we come out multiple. Which suggests that folks presume being multiple is what makes us dangerous, and we have to disprove their worries with our good behavior, even if they thought we were totally not dangerous for the years they knew us before. Ouch!

...

Question: Why do you hate the psych system?

This is a complicated question. Historically, the mental health industry has done a lot of horrible things to the people in its care, and still does; even if you only pay attention to multiples, it's not hard to find therapists who have published books about drugging, exorcising, or otherwise mistreating us. We know people who the mental health system has hurt terribly. It's only reasonable to distrust it when it has the capacity to wield such power over us, and a history of misusing it.

At the same time, though, we're in the complicated position of being dependent on this very system, due to our disabled status. It's a weird, unpleasant place to be in, to be financially, medically, and legally reliant on a system that has a history of mistreating people like you. But we've been lucky, and had generally decent experiences so far. (Namely, we've been able to fight through all paperwork errors threatening to remove our benefits, get legal help, and have a medical team firmly in our corner.) Mental health professionals HAVE helped us, quite a lot in fact. But they are not infallible. They are human beings, with human frailties and blind spots. If you can afford it and find someone who works with you healthfully, then I recommend it, but man, is it complicated sometimes.

Question: Can I call you a personality?

No, you may not. We don't call youa personality; we call you a person. We'd prefer the same courtesy!

Also, nobody here likes being called 'ego state,' 'part,' 'piece,' or 'fragment.' All those words feel dehumanizing to us; we don't want to hear them. We used to be okay with the word 'alter,' but now it's a kind of loaded term. Just call us 'people' or 'system members,' please.

(Note that different multiples have drastically different language preferences; it is entirely a matter of personal taste. When in doubt, ask which words are okay, and then use them.)

Question: Can you prove you're multiple?

Prove you're not and get back to me.

That might sound flippant, but we're being totally serious here. We have, as of yet, not actually seen any scientific evidence that singlets (as we call them) exist; all we have is a lot of anecdotal claims. How are we supposed to prove that we differ from the norm when we can't even prove the norm exists? What is the definition of a 'personality' or a 'person,' anyway? People who ask us to prove we exist pretty much never give us the criteria, so we can never actually satisfy them; the goalposts just keep moving so we always fail.

The answer doesn't really even matter, in our view. Whether we exist, or simply believe we do, our life has improved with accepting that. We're not about to argue with results.

Question: Are you going to try to become one person again?

No. To do so is a huge life change, and would require a complete reorganizing of how we interact with the world. Imagine if you had to lose your family, your roommates, and your own identity, all at the same time! It's very stressful! And definitely more complicated than, "Yay, all better now!"

We've known folks who've done it, but it's not something we really want to happen to us. If it happens, it happens, but we will likely resist it.

Question: Don't you want to be cured?

This is actually a more complicated question than you think, and will require some breaking down.

First of all, being DIFFERENT is not necessarily the same as being ILL. Being multiple may be a problem others want to solve for themselves, and that's fine! But that's not the case for us. We see our multiplicity as a way we're different, and not a way we're impaired. It's just the thing everyone gets hung up on, because I guess it's the weirdest, most obvious part.

That said, we do have Dissociative Identity Disorder. But plurality is just one of its symptoms. The other stuff, like the flashbacks and memory issues, yes, we hope to reduce those. But just being plural? No.

Furthermore, sometimes a cure is not possible or practical. Would we like to be magically immune to our depression, our flashbacks, Rogan's eating disorder? Sure! But we also have to accept that we may never reach that point, and make adjustments to our life to allow us to live as best we can, even if we ARE impaired. To us, 'health' can be so much more than being 'normal' or 'cured.' It can mean learning to deal with our burdens as best we can, and live as fulfilling a life as is available to us.

...

Question: Are you a boy or a girl?

This one isn't offensive so much as it is a complete brain-breaker. It's like walking up to an entire family of mixed genders, and asking them to pick one. We have four guys (one of whom is never here), two girls, and two who are neither. So we can't even get a majority rule.

They. Just call us THEY.

[wandlores]

All for the Game

Pairing: Blaise Zabini x Ginny Weasley Words: 4,409 Soul-Mate AU Part 3 of my Marked Series on AO3

Ginny Weasley remembered the day she found out soul-mates were real. She heard stories growing up from Bill and Charlie’s late-night gossiping, but whenever her Auntie Muriel came over, she would always attempt to disprove their theories.

“True love doesn’t exist, Ginvera,” she would tell her, “And it’s better to get that in your head now rather than end up disappointed later.”

At first, Ginny didn’t believe her, she wanted to believe in true love. You could say she was a romantic, even if her brothers teased her relentlessly for it. But as her Hogwarts days started nearing, she gave up on the theory and thought it to be impossible. If true love existed, it was between her parents, and they were not marked. Not that she knew of.

It was the day before she was supposed to leave for her first day of school. She walked into her parent’s room to find her mother. She wanted to ask her where she placed her favorite jumper, but she caught sight of her mother slipping on her sweater to get ready for the day. Ginny felt awkward, of course, she should have knocked.

But then she noticed it. She noticed a mark; it was a wildflower to be precise and right above her heart. Amazed, Ginny stood at the doorway gaping.

It took a few moments for Molly to realize someone was there, and as soon as she saw it was Ginny, she begged for her to close the door and come in quickly.

Ginny made her way to her parent’s bed and jumped on top of it excitedly.

“Is that really what I think it is?” she asked, “Are you marked? Are you and dad soul-mates?”

“Keep your voice down!” Molly pleaded, “Let me tell you a story.”

Ginny stopped jumping on the bed and sat criss-cross applesauce. She beamed up at her mother who sat down next to her.

“So is it really true?” Ginny pressed.

Molly smiled and rested her hand on top of Ginny’s.

“It is, my love,” she explained, “The moment I met your father and he shook my hand, we were marked.”

“Then why don’t you prove Auntie Muriel wrong? Why keep it a secret?”

Molly patted her hand, “What you don’t understand Ginny is that a lot of people don’t believe that soul-mates exist. If you tell people, especially in my generation, they scoff at you and figure you are lying. It wouldn’t matter what I tell your Auntie Muriel, she wouldn’t believe us. Especially since she has never found her true love. She will never understand.”

“Why is it so uncommon, mum?” Ginny asked curiously, “Why can’t it be proven?”

“Because most people aren’t lucky enough to come across their true love. Sometimes they are on the other side of the world, but know this: It can happen for you just as easily if you believe it will. However, I don’t want to give you false hope. Please don’t feel like you are guaranteed to be marked, do you understand?”

She nodded but then smiled excitedly at her mother, and she felt so overwhelmed that she hugged her. Molly chuckled and rubbed her back.

It was in Ginny’s nature that she felt hope. If her parents found each other, she would find her true love, too.

Molly whispered, “Oh, my sweet girl. I know you’re excited at the possibility, but can you please do me a favor?”

Ginny pulled back from her mother’s hug and replied, “Anything for you, mum!”

Molly smiled and grabbed her hands again, “You must promise me you won’t tell your brothers. Your father and I have kept it a secret for a reason. The fewer people that know, the better. It’s not that we don’t want your brothers to know, we are just protecting them from possible heartbreak. Do you understand?”

Ginny nodded, but she left for Hogwarts the next day with a lot of hope in her heart.

Especially when she saw Harry Potter, but the amount of disappointment she felt when she brushed his arm accidentally and was not marked was indescribable. That’s when she decided to keep her mother’s secret, because she truly realized how rare it was.

And if Harry Potter wasn’t her soul-mate, no one could be.

But Ginny was naïve back then. If only she knew her destiny and the game she was about to play.

Blaise didn’t believe Draco at first when he told him he had found his soul-mate, and that his soul-mate was the one and only Hermione Granger. It took a lot of convincing for him to count it as fact, and even still, he was skeptical.

But when Pansy admitted that she was marked by Harry Potter and easily proved it, Blaise started to wonder what the hell was in the water at Hogwarts.

Naturally, he had to research what was going on to see why some people were marked and some weren’t. All the books and articles said that some individuals were marked because they were lucky enough to find their true love, and some were not. There was no scientific basis to anything he read. He found it stupid.

If Blaise was being honest, he did not care if he found his true love. Life was easier without attachments, and without attachments, he could have fun. His mother had a blast fooling around throughout his childhood, so why shouldn’t he get to live the same luxury throughout his life?

He knew he was shallow, but that was life. Humans were here to reproduce, and that was a logical fact. True love wasn’t needed to survive, especially not for someone like him.

Daphne practically forced Blaise to attend Draco and Hermione’s “welcome to our new home” party. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy a good time, but he didn’t want to deal with the constant chatter about Draco and Hermione being marked for life. So many people were jealous, so many were skeptical, and so many were amazed. It was enough to make Blaise want to puke. He hated small talk, and that was the smallest conversation that could go around. Especially since there was no explanation for this particular phenomena.

“I’m happy you were willing to escort me tonight,” Daphne told him, “I felt awkward going alone knowing that Pansy was going to meet Harry there. You know they’ll talk and instantly feel their connection. They can’t avoid it forever.”

Blaise tried hard not to roll his eyes, but he replied, “It’s no problem, Daphne.”

He glanced to his right side and checked her out. Her long magenta gown hugged her curves perfectly, and her blonde hair was in loose waves. Daphne was gorgeous, but he had been there and done that. They made it clear after one time that it would never happen again.

“Are you reminiscing about our old times at Hogwarts?” Daphne teased.

They had approached Draco and Hermione’s front door, so it gave Blaise an excuse to avoid answering the question honestly.

“What are you waiting for, are you going to knock?” she asked him impatiently.

He rolled his eyes again and huffed, but he relented into knocking on the door.

Draco greeted them with an ornery smile.

“Greengrass and Zabini, I never expected to see you together again. I thought that one night extravaganza was enough for you?”

Daphne rolled her eyes and kissed Draco on the cheek.

“It’s nice to see you, Draco, but no. You know that won’t happen again.”

Draco chuckled as he slapped Blaise on the back and let him in.

“Is Pansy here yet?” Blaise dared to ask.

Draco shook his head, “No, but Potter is here already. Look at him over there. He is talking to his could have been old flame.”

Blaise lifted his head to see that Potter was talking to Ginny Weasley.

She was wearing a short and obnoxiously tight red gown, and she looked extremely uncomfortable in her four inch pumps. They were horrendous. He smirked to himself.

“She’s still hot, isn’t she?” Blaise asked casually.

Draco chose not to answer by saying, “Why don’t you go have a drink while I go and check on my lady, yeah?”

Blaise smirked at Draco as he walked away. He was whipped. He decided to approach Daphne again to give him something to do.

“Shall we?” he asked.

He held out his hand to escort Daphne through the crowd to grab a glass of champagne, and she did a dramatic curtsy before taking his hand.

“How is Ginny Weasley so gorgeous?” she asked him, “I used to hate her, but now I can’t help but sort of like her. She has been to a lot of Draco and Hermione’s small get-togethers, the ones you have refused to go to I might add, and she is honestly wonderful.”

“Going soft on me, Daph?”

She snorted, “Of course not, I just speak the truth.”

Blaise held his breath as they passed by Ginny and Potter. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt the need to. Ginny shifted uncomfortably on one of her heels, and they brushed arms.

That’s when he felt it. His chest was burning, but he knew he was in way too good of health to be having a heart attack. He was nineteen, for god’s sake. And that’s when he saw it. He saw blood bleeding through his white dress shirt. He tried to wait it out, but he figured he should leave while Daphne was distracted. He excused himself to go to the loo.

That’s when he came face to face with Ginny Weasley. She was pulling her dress back to examine the mark that he had given her. All he could do was gulp.

Ginny hated heels, and she hated more that she was being required to wear them. But she would do anything for Hermione, and it was a small price to pay to make sure her one true love was also happy. A happy Draco meant a happy Hermione.

She never thought she would think those things in her mind, but here she was.

Ginny couldn’t help but shift back and forth uncomfortably in her heels. It was the only way to make them tolerable for at least a few seconds, but as she shifted to her left foot, she brushed up against someone.

“Oh sorry,” she mumbled, but she didn’t catch who it was. They walked by too quickly.

But then it hit her a few seconds later. Her chest was being ripped open, and she felt faint. Harry wasn’t paying attention, and she watched as he waited impatiently for Pansy to arrive. She wasn’t going to bother him with this, he had other things to worry about.

But he glanced over towards her. She had no idea how she looked, but it apparently wasn’t good. His face was full of concern, and he asked her, “Gin, are you alright?”

She blinked a few times to regain composure, and she attempted to stand up straighter.

“I-I’m fine,” she lied, “I’m just going to go to the bathroom.”

Before he could respond and pry anymore, she dashed away from him and towards the hallway.

She peeled the top of her dress away from her sticky skin, and it was what she was afraid of. She had been marked, but she wasn’t sure by who.

Her mark was of a quill and it was still bleeding profusely. She wondered if that was normal. She figured she would be ecstatic that she was finally marked, but the fact that she had no idea who ran into her was making her worry.

“So,” a smooth voice spoke up from around the corner, “What mark did I leave?”

She looked up to see herself facing Blaise Zabini. He looked abnormally calm, which made her angry. He wasn’t scared, he wasn’t excited, he looked unphased.

“Yo-you were the one that ran into me?”

He walked closer towards her and unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a mark of a broomstick.

“I’m afraid so,” he said, “Since you’re an aspiring professional Quidditch player, and I was marked with a broomstick.”

Without asking, he grabbed the top of her dress and pulled it down slightly to see her mark. Ginny felt exposed, but then she realized it didn’t matter anymore.

He was now embedded into her skin, and if she concentrated enough, she could feel his calm heart beat against her erratic one.

“Ah, a quill. I’m not surprised, my passion is writing,” he told her.

She pursed her lips together and nodded.

“So, that’s it then? You don’t even care that we are marked as soul-mates?” she asked him hotly.

She watched as a smirk spread across his face.

“Why should it matter, Ginevra?” he taunted, “It appears everyone is being marked these days. It’s not really unique. Besides, we can still see other people, right?”

Ginny’s mouth fell open in disbelief. This could not be happening.

But before she could reply, he had turned on his heel and walked back out to join the party.

Blaise would be lying if he said he didn’t feel like something was missing. He took that as a sign that he needed to get laid, so naturally, he owled sweet old Tracey Davis over to participate in a casual fuck.

Well, it was casual for him anyway. It was all going great until she caught sight of his mark.

It was still red; he hadn’t seen Ginny since the party. It had no time to truly heal.

“Is-is that a mark?” she asked bewildered.

He tried to ignore her and played with the lace on her bra, but she slapped his hand away.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she spat, “You invited me over for a casual fuck when you have a one true love? What the fuck are you doing?”

She rolled off of him and started pulling her clothes back on. He leaned against his side casually on his bed and watched her.

“I don’t believe in this shit,” he told her honestly, “Everyone seems to be getting marked these days. Have you heard about Hermione Granger and Draco? They are engaged now cause of this shit. Why are all these Slytherins and Gryffindors inter-mixing, wouldn’t you say it’s weird?”

Tracey shot him a glare, “I don’t care what it is, but don’t owl me again. Owl Ginny Weasley and tell her you are horny and want to fuck her.”

“How do you know it’s Ginny Weasley?”

It rolled out of his mouth before he could think through anything. It was impulsive of him, and he was never impulsive.

“Because I see the GW engraved on the broomstick handle of your mark. Plus, she is the only one who could ever compete with you in the beauty department.”

He grinned at that, and she frowned at him, “Don’t take that compliment as a way to boost your ego. It’s big enough already. And it’s not just that. It’s also because you have always looked at her differently. I can’t explain it.”

“You were seeing things.”

She sighed as she turned the handle on his bedroom door, “I don’t think I was, Blaise.”

He was about to give her a sarcastic retort, but before he could, she was gone.

Ginny didn’t tell anyone about her mark. She was ashamed of it; she was ashamed that her soul-mate was such a smooth player.

He was a fuck boy, and Ginny did not do fuck boys. Sure, she had had her fun during Hogwarts with Dean and Michael, but she wasn’t a bitch about it. Blaise was a dick, and a cold one at that.

A few weeks after the ordeal, she decided to go shopping in Diagon Alley to clear her mind. As she was browsing shops, she caught sight of him.

Instantly, she felt herself glare, but she charged right up to him.

“You can’t avoid me forever, Zabini,” she said harshly, “This isn’t something you can slither your way out of.”

Ginny felt his heart against hers again, and this time, she was surprised that it was racing. It made her smirk in satisfaction. She felt the quill against her chest darken, and she knew he could feel his mark doing the same thing.

“Oops,” Ginny said sarcastically, “I’m so sorry I made our marks darken by coming up to talk to you. It doesn’t make it any more permanent, oh wait. I think it does.”

He glared at her.

“Is there something I can do for you, Weasley?”

She snorted, “Well, we could talk about what this means,” she suggested, “Unless you’re just that awful with commitment.”

“I am that awful, I’m glad you catch on quick.”

She rolled her eyes and grabbed his lower arm.

Although she was at least six inches shorter than him, she was strong enough to drag him down Diagon Alley until they were in a deserted back lot by George’s joke shop.

“Are you wanting me to meet your family now?” he asked as he pointed to the joke shop’s sign, “I think that’s a little early, don’t you think?”

It was in that moment then that Ginny realized she wouldn’t get through to him by talking. The only way he would listen was if they touched again.

Impulsively, she grabbed the collar of his shirt so his lips smashed against hers. And that’s when her lips ignited. She had never felt this amount of fire before.

Her whole body tingled, and she quickly moved her hands up his neck until she was gripping him tightly.

It took him a minute to respond, but then she could feel his heart beating against hers as well, and their marks deepened in their skin.

His tongue slid between her lips, and his fingers tangled in her hair. Before she knew it, her legs were wrapped around his waist, and he was slamming her against the brick wall.

She gasped for air, and he looked at her hungrily. That’s when she realized they almost had identical eyes. His were golden brown as well, but they were bright against the contrast of his skin. He made her feel dull.

His lips were pressed against her neck before she could stop him, and she moaned as she dug her nails into his back.

She was feeling complete ecstasy, but then she realized this meant nothing to him. He didn’t want to love her, he wanted to fuck her - just like anyone else. But this time, he would have heightened physical pleasure as he did so.

“Stop!” she finally snapped.

She untwined her legs from his waist and let herself drop. She was surprised when he caught her by the elbow. His lips were red from all their kissing, and his pupils were dilated.

“Why?” he asked desperately, “Did you not feel that?”

“Of course I did, but I’m not going to be another casual fuck.”

She grabbed her bag from the ground, and she dashed out of the alley before he could say another word.

He admired his mark in the mirror and traced his finger against the broomstick. He stopped once he reached her initials, and he sighed as he turned away from his own reflection.

He missed her, and he didn’t get why he missed her. He missed her in a way that was more than just needing to have sex. He didn’t even fuck her. He missed her in a way that felt like longing.

And that made him want to punch himself in the face.

He was Blaise Zabini, and he didn’t feel this way about anyone. Fuck true love, he always said. Fuck relationships. They were a waste of time.

But it didn’t feel that way anymore, especially when he could close his eyes and feel her heart beating no matter how far away she was. If he focused hard enough, it made him feel relaxed. It was sickening, it truly was. He couldn’t stand it, but he couldn’t stand not having her.

He fretted for hours before he sent his owl to her. He asked her to come over, and he had no idea if she would. He was surprised when he got an owl back that simply said, “Okay, see you then. G”

He paced back in forth in his front entry-way until she arrived. When she got there, he felt her heartbeat so overwhelmingly that he opened his door straight-away. Her hand was up in the air mid-knock.

“Hi,” she said awkwardly, “May I come in?”

It was a stupid question, and he was usually the type to always point out when someone asked a stupid question. But he didn’t this time, and he surprised himself.

“Ye-yeah, of course.”

She flashed him a small smile as she made her way through his door, and she helped herself to the kitchen. He watched as she poured herself a glass of red wine, and she downed it in one drink.

He couldn’t even do that, and he would be lying if he didn’t say he was impressed.

“So,” she said, “What do you want to talk about?”

He leaned up against his kitchen counter and stole the bottle of red wine from her and took a swig.

“I wanted to talk about us,” he answered casually, “That is, if you’re still interested.”

He watched as her warm eyes brightened, but she tried to hide her shock.

“I suppose that could be discussed.”

She snatched the bottle from him, but their fingers slightly brushed against each other. An electric jolt rushed through Blaise’s body, and he felt her heart pick up speed against his chest.

Ginny dropped the bottle, and it hit the counter and shattered. Red wine dripped off the edge, but Blaise didn’t care. All he wanted was her.

He took a step forward and grabbed her cheeks with his hands. His lips were against hers before she could even breathe, but she did not complain. She opened her mouth willingly and let his tongue slip in. Her arms were quickly wrapped around his waist once more, and he wasted no time carrying her to the bedroom.

As he gently placed her on the mattress, she ripped off her t-shirt to reveal a white cotton bra. It was so simple. She didn’t even try, and Blaise found that endearing. He caught sight of his mark on her again, and he brushed his fingers over it softly. She shivered.

“Are you sure?” he whispered.

He didn’t want her to think she was another Tracey, because she wasn’t. He hadn’t realized it until now, but this was something more, and he wanted it. He wanted it no matter how much it scared him.

“Yes,” she whispered, “I want you.”

She pulled his shirt over his head and immediately kissed the mark she left on him, and he felt the sensation as it became more engraved into his skin and darkened.

This was the start of it all, and it was far from casual. It was tender, and it was real.

They woke up the next morning, and Ginny’s head was on his chest. Her breathing was even, and her heartbeat was perfectly overlapping his. He brushed her red hair out her face, and she woke up slowly.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

She surprised him by smirking, “Were you watching me sleep? That’s very sappy of you, Zabini.”

He playfully snorted, “As if.”

He smiled as she began to laugh. Her laugh was going to become his favorite sound.

Months passed, and it was time for Draco and Hermione to get married.

Although Harry and Pansy were still avoiding each other, Blaise and Ginny decided to accept their newfound relationship. That made it especially easy for Blaise to be Draco’s best man and for Ginny to be Hermione’s maid of honor.

In her dressing room, Ginny tugged uncomfortably at the pale green dress Draco picked out for her to wear. It was lace, and it scratched against Ginny’s skin uncomfortably. She groaned to herself as she slipped on her heels, and she felt Blaise enter the room.

She turned around and playfully pouted.

“I fucking hate heels, and this dress is so uncomfortable. You would think Draco would have been a little nicer about picking something out for me that was tolerable.”

“At least you look gorgeous,” Blaise offered.

She rolled her eyes, and he planted a kiss on her forehead.

“You know,” Blaise commented, “If it weren’t for heels, we wouldn’t have even been marked. It was because you were shifting so much in those hideous pumps that I ran into you.”

“So you finally admit you ran into me now? A few months ago, you claimed it was all my fault.”

She smiled playfully at him, and he wrapped his arms around her.

He was about to tease her back, but then Draco peaked his head in.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything, but I’m about to get married. You two should probably come out and take your places at the altar.”

Ginny blushed slightly, but Blaise was unphased.

“Okay Malfoy, we’re coming out now.”

Ginny watched as Draco adjusted his bow tie, and he slipped back out of the room to take his place and wait for Hermione. Blaise grabbed Ginny’s hand, and they made their way down the aisle.

Ginny could not focus on anything else as Blaise rubbed the back of his thumb against her hand. Tingles were shooting up her arm, and her heart accelerated. Ginny saw him smirk as they parted ways to stand on opposite sides of Draco.

Two could play this game, she thought.

As Hermione was walking down the aisle, Ginny watched her and smiled, but she made sure to move her long red waves off her shoulder to expose her neck. She turned her head slightly, and she knew this would drive Blaise mad.

His weak spot was her neck, and she teased him that he liked to suck on it like a vampire. He claimed he had more class than that, but he honestly didn’t.

Ginny felt his heart speed up after she turned her head, and she smirked and stole a glance his way.

His eyes were playful, and he was smirking, too.

Ginny’s life was about playing a game, but this game was her favorite one by far.

[annastrxng]

property of Hewlett

Finally after 12+ hours of agonizing over this…..

Send me ‘ Property of ____’ for my muses reaction to yours claiming them.

His familiar voice broke above the bickering of the guards at her sides.

“Major?” Anna sputtered hoarsely. There is nothing short of genuine confusion etched within her maple-syrup hues as they lift to see him standing there. The brunette was startled by his arrival. Her dark-brows quirk slightly as he steps forward to claim her.

She hadn’t seen him stride across the room to her rescue. In fact, Anna had believed he quit her and that he was preparing to abandon the colonies all together. Anna had only, hours ago, burdened him with the knowledge of what she was; a rebel spy. Hewlett had seemed angry, betrayed, and wounded. He had made it clear that he never wished to see her again.

The Major easily held the power and he had the motive to see her vanquished. Yet, instead of seeking revenge, Edmund was working to free her. Why?

“Kindly unhand Ms. Strong. She is with me,” comes his gentle command. His larger hand is outstretched to her. “As such, I aim to see no harm comes to her…” the Major is quick to add.

Anna shrugs herself free of the equally surprised Regulars grasps. Without questioning Hewlett, her smaller hand is tucked securely within his proffered one. “Thank you, Ed… Major,” the brunette quickly corrected herself. She does not wish to insult him. Nor does she have the audacity to think that they still shared the level of friendship they once had.

The Major is quick to pull Anna to his side. Then with great haste he leads her away from the group of soldiers. “What are you still doing here?” He inquired, his tone hushed but sharp. “I thought you left for your camp.” The last two words are spat, laced with venom.

She peers over both shoulders uneasily before offering a hushed answer. “I was…” Her voice cuts off allowing her to swallow thickly. “I did not have …the h…heart to leave….” Anna whispered. The brunette is just barely able to meet Edmund’s gaze. She feared that within his eyes, she would find nothing but icy judgement.

“You didn’t have the heart to leave?” He incredulously repeated.  Edmund grabbed her arm, turning her to face him full on. His gaze sweeps over her slowly. “What do you mean, you didn’t have the ‘heart’ to leave?” He questioned sternly. Edmund wasn’t sure he was buying her story but he’d at least hear her out.

Long dark lashes flickered in an effort to dismiss another wave of tears. Her heart thundered to life inside of her chest as she realized his hand was still upon her arm. “I….I couldn’t let you leave… believing a lie to be the truth. My conscience would not permit it.” Agony echoed within every syllable of her words as her head drops forward in defeat.

“Oh?” Edmund rigidly huffs. He can feel the tension building within his shoulder blades. Although, Anna’s words intrigued him, the Major forced himself to remain leery of her explanation, lest she’d snare him in yet another trap. “And what lie would that be? The one where you said you couldn’t lie to me anymore?” The harsh words escape him before he can suppress them.

His words hit her as though, he had physically struck her. Of course, he wasn’t wrong. That phrase was part of the one she wished to recant. Her voice is somehow smaller and more timid as she replies, “please understand, Major. I said and did what I thought would best protect you. But as I went to the livery to fetch my horse……I realized…” Anna’s voice trailed off.

“Yes?” Hewlett presses, anxious for an answer.

A ragged sigh escapes her as she continues, “I realized that I still love you. I couldn’t let you walk away without knowing the truth even if…..even if it will endanger both of us. I would rather die a thousand deaths than let you think that I have never felt anything towards you. Oh please, Edmund…. believe me.” The fingers of one hand hesitantly press to his chest as she closes the gap between them.

His lips half curled upwards into a smile before returning to a menacing frown. Hewlett grinds his teeth with the same frustration pulsing through his veins. “Believe you? After all the lies you’ve told me, Ms. Strong?” There is a certain strain and weariness to his voice.

“I know it be hard to forgive me. If not, impossible. There was a time when you professed to love me for all that I am and would be. You have seen me at my weakest and you know my darkest secrets. I have nothing more to hide from you,” Anna patiently reminds him. “I worry still that…perhaps, there is still hazard with making the truth fully known to you. I fear you might forever be taken from me if you stay engaged in this fight. I would rather have you sail for Scotland and be safe than unhappy and unprotected in the colonies with me. I be unwilling to lose you due to my own selfishness. Maybe…. I have said too much. I s….should go….” She starts to pull away from him.

Her words pour over him like a maddening torrent, striking upon every emotion Edmund ever felt when he was around her. Was this story genuine or another carefully crafted fabrication? Hewlett couldn’t say for certain. Yet, his heart beat with every hope that Anna was speaking honestly. It seems his heart is ready and willing to betray him again.

As she starts to pull away, his grasp tightens on her arm. “And you would make my choices for me, Anna? To choose my safety over my eternal happiness? What gives you that right?!” He demands. Hewlett is fully aware that he had slipped and reverted to calling her by the name he so loved and cherished. He wonders if it was as obvious to her or not.

A panicked gaze meets him as her progress is halted by the tightening of his grasp upon her arm. “Aye. Because I’d rather see you somber and alive than blissfully elated and dead. I know I had no right but… I still made that call.” Anna returns her voice wavering with fear. She didn’t know whether or not forgiveness had been granted or if he was contemplating turning her in again.

Abruptly Edmund moved forward. The palm of his free hand slowly curls against the delicate slope of her cheekbone. Her words had caused his heart to swell with both pain and delight. “Anna…” Hewlett breathes, his voice soft and full of longing. He presses his forehead gently to hers. His callous hand gradually slid down the smooth curve of her neck. “Why? Why didn’t you ever tell me this before? That you were a rebel spy and that you trying to save me?” He quietly beseeches. His eyes study every freckle and contour of her face as he awaits an answer.

A shiver rushes through the brunette’s entire figure as his free hand ghosts against her cheek before slipping down to the crook of her neck. His gentle touches were more powerful than Edmund could ever possibly know. She could barely manage to process his words over the powerful thumping of her heart which, resounded with a frightening might within her ears. The softness of his voice brought silver orbs dancing down her high-crested cheeks. Long soaked lashes accidentally drag against his skin as his forehead meets her own. Hewlett’s inquiry causes her gaze to meet his again. Sheepishly Anna brings herself to admit, “I couldn’t risk it. I have too many friends that I had to keep out of trouble. To come forward would have endangered them and you. I…..I was a….afraid… that you….. you would try and prove me wrong. That you would, with one word or deed, convince me that we could have both…safety and our hearts desires.”

Her words rang true far more than he would like to acknowledge. Edmund would have attempted to disprove her theories and tightly held notions. He swallows sharply, suddenly aware that her love ran far deeper than he imagined. For she was willing to bid him farewell in order to preserve his life. Whereas, other lovers would have selfishly clung to him regardless of what the cost might be. “Oh Anna,” he cooed, on the wings of one long breath. He gingerly brings his lips to brush over hers.

The sob building within her chest hitched the moment Hewlett’s warm lips traced against the smooth bows and curves of her own. Her trembling hand slowly reaches up to rest against the corner of his jaw-line. Wordlessly, Anna presses herself into the kiss savoring every moment of physical contact as if, it would be the last. It was obvious how intense her feelings for him were.

“Anna, let me whisk you away from this war. Marry me in Scotland. Let me truly claim you as my own. Please….. do not break my heart for a third time.” Edmund breathlessly entreats. He no longer wished to part ways with her and he silently prayed that Anna would agree.  

“Be that what you desire?” Anna prompts. She does not want him to offer solely for the sake of rescuing her.

“Yes,” Hewlett affirms without hesitation. “You know it is.” His thumb slowly drags against the skin of her neck willing her to say yes. Edmund could not pry his gaze away from her even though, he knew he could have his heart broken again. He wanted her to say yes. To look after her own interests instead of everyone else’s.

She contemplated her options in silence. Her usually calculating mind suddenly felt useless. Could she break his heart again? Impulsive lips hesitantly curled upwards into a smile. This decision was no longer focused upon the war but upon one man. The man she absolutely adores. “Then I… I… will. I have never loved another the way I do you, Edmund.”

For at least a moment, everything seemed right with the world and her soul knew peace.

[khutbahs]

Can you proof the Hereafter?

By Dr. Zakir Naik

1. Many people wonder as to how a person with a scientific and logical temperament, can lend any credence to the belief of life after death. People assume that anyone believing in the hereafter is doing so on the basis of blind belief. My belief in the hereafter is based on a logical argument.

2. There are more than a thousand verses in the Glorious Quran, containing scientific facts (see “The Quran and modern science”). Many facts mentioned in the Quran have been discovered in the last few centuries. But science has not advanced to a level where it can confirm every statement of the Quran.

Suppose 80% of all that is mentioned in the Quran has been proved 100% correct. Useful links the remaining 20%, science makes no categorical statement, since it has not advanced to a level, where it can either prove or disprove these statements. With the limited knowledge that we have, we cannot say for sure whether even a single percentage or a single verse of the Quran from this 20% portion is wrong. Thus when 80% of the Quran is 100% correct and the remaining 20% is not disproved, logic says that even the 20% portion is correct. The existence of the hereafter, which is mentioned in the Quran, falls in the 20% ambiguous portion which my logic says is correct.

3. Concept of peace and human values is useless without the concept of hereafter. Is robbing a good or an evil act? A normal balanced person would say it is evil. How would a person who does not believe in the hereafter convince a powerful and influential criminal that robbing is evil?

Suppose I am the most powerful and influential criminal in the world. At the same time I am an Intelligent and a logical person. I say that robbing is good because it helps me lead a luxurious life. Thus robbing is good for me.

If anybody can put forward a single logical argument as to why it is evil for me, I will stop immediately. People usually put forward the following arguments:

a. Some may say that the person who is robbed will face difficulties. I certainly agree that it is bad for the person who is robbed. But it is good for me. If I rob a thousand dollars, I can enjoy a good meal at a 5 star restaurant.

b. Some people argue that someday I may be robbed. No one can rob me because I am a very powerful criminal and I have hundreds of bodyguards. I can rob anybody but nobody can rob me. Robbing may be a risky profession for a common man but not for an influential person like me.

c. Some may say, if you rob, you can be arrested by the police. The police cannot arrest me because I have the police on my payroll. I have the ministers on my payroll. I agree that if a common man robs, he will be arrested and it will be bad for him, but I am an extraordinarily influential and powerful criminal.

Give me one logical reason why it is bad for me and I will stop robbing.

d. Some may say its easy money and not hard-earned money. I agree completely that it is easy money, and that is one of the main reasons why I rob. If a person has the option of earning money the easy as well as the hard way, any logical person would choose the easy way.

e. Some may say it is against humanity and that a person should care for other human beings. I counter argue by asking as to who wrote this law called ‘humanity’ and why should I follow it?

This law may be good for the emotional and sentimental people but I am a logical person and I see no benefit in caring for other human beings.

f. Some may say that robbing is being selfish. It is true that robbing is a selfish act; but then why should I not be selfish? It helps me enjoy life.

No logical reason for robbing being an evil act. Hence all arguments that attempt to prove that robbing is an evil act are futile. These arguments may satisfy a common man but not a powerful and influential criminal like me. None of the arguments can be defended on the strength of reason and logic. It is no surprise that there are so many criminals in this world.

Similarly raping, cheating etc. can be justified as good for a person like me and there is no logical argument that can convince me that these things are bad.

Now let us switch sides. Suppose you are the most powerful and influential criminal in the world, who has the police and the ministers on his payroll. You have army of thugs to protect you. I am a Muslim who will convince you that robbing, raping, cheating, etc. are evil acts.

Even if I put forth the same arguments to prove that robbing is evil the criminal will respond the same way as he did earlier.

I agree that the criminal is being logical and all his arguments are true only when he is the most powerful and influential criminal.

Each and every human being desires justice. Even if he does not want justice for others he wants justice for himself. Some people are intoxicated by power and influence and inflict pain and suffering on others. The same people, however, would surely object if some injustice was done to them. The reason such people become insensitive to the suffering of others is that they worship power and influence. Power and influence, they feel, not only allows them to inflict injustice on others but also prevents others from doing likewise to them.

As a Muslim I would convince the criminal about the existence of Almighty God. This God is more powerful than you and at the same time is also just. The Glorious Quran says “Allah is never unjust in the least degree” (Quran 4:40)

The criminal, being a logical and scientific person, agrees that God exists, after being presented with scientific facts from the Quran. He may argue as to why God, if He is Powerful and Just, does not punish him.

Every person who has suffered injustice, irrespective of financial or social status, almost certainly wants the perpetrator of injustice to be punished. Every normal person would like the robber or the rapist to be taught a lesson. Though a large number of criminals are punished, many even go scot-free. They lead a pleasant, luxurious life, and even enjoy a peaceful existence. If injustice is done to a powerful and influential person, by someone more powerful and more influential than he, even such a person would want that person perpetrators of injustice to be punished.

This life is a test for the hereafter. The Quran says “He who created Death and life that He may try which of you is best in deed; and He is the Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving” (Quran 67:2)

The Quran says “Every soul shall have a taste of death: and only on the Day of Judgement shall you be paid your full recompense. Only he who is saved far from the Fire and admitted to the Garden will have attained the object (of life): for the life of this world is but goods and chattels of deception.” (Quran 3:185)

Final justice will be meted out on the Day of Judgement. After a person dies, he will be resurrected on the Day of Judgement along with the rest of mankind. It is possible that a person receives part of his punishment in this world. The final reward and punishment will only be in the hereafter. God Almighty may not punish a robber or a rapist in this world but he will surely be held accountable on the Day of Judgement and will be punished in the hereafter i.e. life after death.

Hitler incinerated six million Jews during his reign of terror. Even if the police had arrested him, what punishment can the human law give Hitler for justice to prevail? The most they can do is to send Hitler to the gas chamber. But that will only be punishment for the killing of one Jew. What about the remaining five million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine Jews?

Allah can burn Hitler more than six million times in hellfire. Allah say in the Quran “Those who reject Our signs, We shall soon cast into the Fire; as often as their skins are roasted through, We shall change them for fresh skins, that they may taste the penalty: for Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise” (Quran 4:56)

No concept of human values or good and bad without concept of hereafter It is clear that without convincing a person about the hereafter, i.e. life after death, the concept of human values and the good or evil nature of acts is impossible to prove to any person who is doing injustice especially when he is influential and powerful.

[mrlnsfrt]

The Truth

It was suggested to me that we do a mini-series at our church on Jesus being the Way, the Truth, and the Life. We divided it among three speakers and I was assigned to talk about truth. I was excited about the idea, but the more I studied it, the more overwhelming it became. So here is what I decided on at the end and I hope you find this helpful.

I decided that Plato would be a good place to begin since Jesus’ audience would have been familiar with Platonism and it had a powerful influence over the early church (Neoplatonism).

Now, just a word of warning, if you are a philosopher you would probably want to argue or go more in depth here but in my defense I am simply setting the stage to the best of my understanding without majoring on minors, you can leave a comment below or click the social media hyperlinks on the top right of this page if you would like to discuss Greek philosophy in greater detail. The following will be a very simple and brief reference to what I perceive to be the key ideas.

I found a neat and helpful brief summary here and I’ll share the key points below.

"Truth" lays in an abstract "Ideal".  We can apply the fundamental principles of mathematical proofs (logic) to locate the True form of these transcendent truths or Ideals.

The natural world we perceive through our senses (see, hear, touch, smell, etc.) reveals only a fallen, shadow, incomplete versions of this Ideal Truth.

The true "Forms" of natural things or of concepts exist in the way that mathematical truths or forms exist.Thus attempting to understand the Truth of things by examining the natural world is not only folly, but likely dangerously misleading.

Therefore philosophical contemplation (thinking logically) -- rather than observation -- is the road toward Truth.

All the other arts, including poetry and argumentation, only confuse us more, tricking us into believing false visions of Truth (example: we mistake what we see on the television for reality; a cunning lawyer can trick a stupid jury into believing the guilty innocent).

In a nutshell: Plato's mystical Idealism will be adopted by subsequent generations of Christians to explain the nature of God.

Along with other Neo-Platonists, Augustine will translate and transmit Plato's concept of Truth and its relationship to the natural world into Christian terms: this world is a shadow, fallen version of God's eternal Truths, and the pursuit of knowledge has damned humanity (see Genesis 3).  (Similarly, other Jewish and Muslim scholars will transmit Platonic Idealism into Judaism and Islam, both before and after Augustine).(source)

So think about Jesus’ audience as having been strongly influenced by the idea that truth can only be accessed in the mind by thinking logically and mathematically and the observation of the physical world could never lead you to it.

I once watched an interesting documentary by the BBC entitled Dangerous Knowledge. The film begins with Georg Cantor, the great mathematician whose work proved to be the foundation for much of the 20th-century mathematics. Interestingly, he believed he was God's messenger and was eventually driven insane trying to prove his theories of infinity. He tried to prove Mathematically that God existed.

Next the documentary tells the story of Ludwig Boltzmann's struggle to prove the existence of atoms and probability eventually drove him to suicide.

Kurt Gödel, the introverted confidant of Einstein, was featured next. Godel actually proved that there would always be problems which were outside human logic. Tragically his life ended in a sanatorium where he starved himself to death.

The documentary concludes with the story of Alan Turing, the great Bletchley Park code breaker, father of computer science, died trying to prove that some things are fundamentally unprovable. (source)

Apparently, though mathematics hints at the existence of God, it is impossible to fully grasp God through mathematics alone. (possible further reading in this topic here) What I take away from this is that a strictly intellectual pursuit of God will not satisfy your soul. Also, your mind might not be able to handle your pursuit.

I would like to classify what I have described above so far as a classical approach to truth. Thought the math part also has modern aspects to it. Now I would like to transition to what I would like to classify as a modern approach to truth.

Modernism (or Enlightenment Humanism)

Reason and science provide accurate, objective, reliable foundation of “knowledge”

Science is the paradigm of all true knowledge.

We can learn and eventually solve all our problems as we evolve.

My understanding of modernism is that with the advances in science and medicine and technology and industrial revolution we stopped searching for God and looked to ourselves and the physical world to find the ultimate truth and all the answers. We became our own saviors, and in the process we killed God.

My parent’s generation had a largely modern approach to God and religion. Not that they denied God but they were sure they could find the truth and they studied and debated and fought and searched for the truth. The truth was attractive, it had value, it mattered! Truth was within our grasp in the modern world. I grew up with this view in my home and in my church. We studied the Bible to find the truth and we shared the truth with others. Well, many wanted to prove to others we had the truth! And many Christians still have this approach today.

However, my generation has rejected the modern worldview and has embraced, or at least been strongly influenced by the postmodern approach to truth.

Why?

Why would my generation abandon the solid ground of objective truth? Why would we turn from scientific proof and absolute truths? Because science and religion have failed them. All that assurance of being right and having the truth did not save us. With all the advances in medicine we feel like we are sicker today then our grandparents were when they were our age. With all the machines and factories and transportation people still go hungry around the world. With all the truth we have available, horrible things still happen.

Think about this with me.

During World War 1 and 2, it was clear who the enemy was, it was clear who the good guys were. At least that generation was sure of it, there was a problem and a clear solution. A stronger and more powerful army was able to end wars and stabilize power.

Who is the enemy today? Where is the enemy? What is the best way to combat the enemy?

Do you trust your doctor to have your best interest at heart? Do you trust the church as an institution? Do you trust your government?

Do you trust what you see on the news? Do you trust what you read?

Is marriage worth it?

How can you be sure anyone actually knows anything about God?

Post-modernism has paralyzed a generation. It is hard to commit to something when I have so many questions. My generation is less interested in marriage than previous generations. Why? Many reasons, one big one is not being sure it is a good idea, or that it would work for them. My generation is seeking their truth, but we are realizing we don’t have the means by which to find it so we tippy toe around trying different truths hoping to find one that feels right, but always afraid of fully committing to something, to anything. My generation quits and moves and struggles to settle down. Every attractive truth becomes difficult at one point and we leave in search for another truth.

It is also noticeable that worldviews are changing at a faster pace. It is very difficult to set dates to these worldviews but they would last hundreds of years, and now some are already saying the worldview my children will experience might already be post-postmodern. (The Death of Postmodernism And Beyond)

Now that I might have completely confused or bored you, what role does Jesus have in all this?

I would argue that the ultimate truth, or God, or what is good, right, beautiful, cannot be grasped by pure logic, or abstract or theoretical thinking. Similarly all that can be known of God cannot be found in a test-tube. Science and logic have not been able to grasp God, nor have science and reason been able to completely disprove God. Yet the search for God has not gone away. Though we see the challenges with our search for truth, running away from it has not solved our problems either, but rather it has led to new problems.

Depression is on the rise in the United States, according to researchers at Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health and the CUNY Graduate School of Public Health and Health Policy. From 2005 to 2015, depression rose significantly among Americans age 12 and older with the most rapid increases seen in young people. The findings appear online in the journal Psychological Medicine. - ScienceDaily.com

When we are feeling down. When everything seems to be going wrong. When you are experiencing pain. When you don’t know whether to go all in or jump ship. You need a source of truth. You can deny it, you can argue against it, you can stomp your feet and throw a tantrum. But in the end you know you need truth.

When you realize your spouse is less the perfect, do you jump ship? What if the love died?

What about when your character is being tested, and cheating seems like a great idea?

What about when you’re so busy you just don’t have time for God, family, and health?

How do you orient your life? You need truth. Undeniable, beyond a shadow of doubt truth. Where do you find this truth?

Does it even exist?

Yes.

Truth is alive and just as powerful as ever.

As a matter of fact the truth will not only give you direction, it will challenge you and push you, and drive you, and rescue you and transform every area of your life.

How do I know?

Because I have experienced it. Because I have studied it. I have tested it and I have witnessed it all over the world. I may not know much, but I do know this.

Jesus is the truth.

And if that is not enough, Jesus loves you, He died for you and He is coming again so that He can be with you forever.

That is as true as anything can be in all of reality.

“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.”

Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?”

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. - John 14:1-6 NKJV

Let’s address a few important things regarding the truth.

Sanctification

In John 17 we find Jesus praying. As Jesus prays for His disciples He asks the father to “Sanctify them by the truth;” Then Jesus adds “your word is truth.” (John 17:17) It is interesting that according to John 1 Jesus is the Word of God made flesh. So the word of God is the truth and necessary for our sanctification. This means the truth is not something you simply understand of accept but rather something you need to be exposed to daily. You need a personal relationship with Jesus and your regular interactions with Him slowly and continually set you apart unto Him according to His purpose for your life. So a personal relationship with Jesus, with the Word of God, changes who we are, shaping our character and every aspect of our life.

Freedom

One thing we really value in America is freedom. Jesus says that the truth sets us free.

Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” - John 8:31-32 NKJV

According to Jesus the truth will set you free. But in order to know the truth you need to be a true disciple, and only those who abide, continue, remain, hold on to, live out, His word. Jesus sets you free, but you must have a personal ongoing relationship. I am not talking about brunch once a week or a call or quick message when trouble comes, but an ongoing healthy relationship. If you have a hard time thinking about having a relationship with truth, then think about having a relationship with Jesus, who loves you and wants to save you and bless you and develop you and use you in a mighty way. Stop thinking about truth as a purely intellectual venture. It must be a relational, living experience.

The Future

Many are anxious about the future. The truth can help you with that as well. Jesus said:

However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. - John 16:14 NKJV

There are things Jesus wants us to know, but we are not ready for it. However, the Holy Spirit is able to guide us into those things, He will guide us into all truth. All truth was revealed in Jesus but we are not able to grasp all of it on our own. We need the help of the Holy Spirit, and as He reveals to us a clearer understanding of who Jesus is, we will also understand what is about to happen. Our anxiety will melt away as we see the future in Jesus’ hands and how everything will be okay in the end.

Truth in action

John writes to us saying

My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. - 1 John 3:18 NKJV

The truth should also shape our lives. Our walk with Jesus should not be about just spouting theological truths or religious dogma, but rather a practical approach to life. It is easy to talk love, but it is important to live it, to live out truth. If you wonder what that looks like it means we are called to live our lives as Jesus lived His.

Worship

Finally, Truth/Jesus, is an integral part of worship.

God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” - John 4:24 NKJV

Sometimes we may be tempted to yield truth as a sword and attack others and I hope that realizing that Jesus is the embodiment of truth and being familiar with His example and how He lived His life will help us realize what worship ought to look like. I believe that keeping Jesus at the core of our worship, and being full of the Holy Spirit will allow us to experience true worship.

[cfijerusalem]

Watching Over Zion Report 18th October 2018 (9th Cheshvan 5779)

THE WORD

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; Oh, deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! For You are the God of my strength… (Psalm 43:1, 2)

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. (Psalm 25:1-5)

POINTERS FOR PRAYER

Once again, as we continue to stand with Israel, do seek the Lord over how we should be praying regarding the issues that concern this whole subject.  Please pray that we would have ears to hear, and hearts open to the areas the Lord wants us to be effective in.

Please continue to pray for encouragement, strength and perseverance for the Israeli people in the face of constant physical and spiritual opposition.  Do keep praying regarding the issue of Iran – especially with the provision of weapons and money to Hamas and Hezbollah. Hamas continue to add to the despair of many in Israel, along with many of their own people in Gaza by their actions and continued violence along the border of Gaza. Pray too that the truth would be reported by the Western Media, and that many others would report the facts, and not what Hamas are stating as ‘facts’.

As we look at the subject of ‘Quest for Truth’ in this week’s report, please do pray for Daphne & Andrew Kirk, the producers of the film “Quest 4 Truth: The Israeli–Palestinian Conflict” - a compelling and challenging documentary following 11 young people, from 7 different nations, as their perceptions are challenged while meeting with key leaders in Israel and the Palestinian Territory. Throughout the world there is so much deception and lies spoken out against Israel. Whether it is groups who promote anti-Semitism, areas of the church that promote replacement theology, or political campaigns speaking out against the Jewish state. No matter what the issues might be, God is concerned for truth and so should we.  Please pray that the truth will be revealed and that lies and deception will be cast down, wherever they are found.

Please continue to pray for the Arab world. While tens of millions of Arabs have been suffering for decades from brutal oppression from their own Arab leaders, and many have been tortured, imprisoned, women humiliated and dissidents killed… the world has become obsessed with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, as if the Arab Palestinians, who have rejected one peace offer after another, were the only victims in the Middle East.  Please cry out for the Arab people struggling under the heavy restraints of Islamic oppression. Pray they may find freedom in following the Lord.

THE NEED FOR TRUTH

Anti-Israel propaganda appears to be increasing throughout the nations, and one has to wonder, has it always been like this? Have you even questioned what was literally happening that caused the sons of Korah to write the maskil of Psalm 43? The psalmist cries out, “Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation”. 

Today it would appear that many university campuses are actually a breeding ground for anti-Israel propaganda throughout the western world.  There’s a constant wave of issues relating to this on Social Media, and of course every year the Israel Apartheid Week of "actions" take place all around the world. Many state that these actions are supposed to help the Arab Palestinians, however there are many within the land who find the actions and even suggestions of 'Israeli Apartheid' very wrong, unhelpful and hypocritical as these actions don't help anyone except people like the Hamas terrorist group and Fatah PLO leaders who are subjecting their own people to an unfair lifestyle. 

There are however many Arab Muslims, Arab Christians, Ethiopian Jews, Druze, and other ethnic groups who are proud to live in, and be a part of Israel.  And it goes without saying, if Israel was an apartheid state, why are Arab Christians and Muslims serving in the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF)?  Disproving the lie that Israel is a racist, apartheid state, Israeli-Arab Christians and Muslims are joining the IDF in increasing numbers, wanting to serve their country in a meaningful way. However, the Israeli army service is only mandatory for Israeli Jews.  So why are many non-Jews joining up? One female soldier, a Christian Arab serving in a sensitive operational unit, had to overcome social challenges in her home community. After enlisting, she said, “I was walking around the [Arab] neighbourhood where I live in uniform. When people saw me they deleted me from their Facebook and erased my number from their telephone. It was very hard, but a few friends still supported me, and I have made a lot of new friends in the army.”  Another female soldier stated, “I have never been ashamed of my Muslim faith, not even in the IDF… I wanted to enlist because it is my duty to serve and protect my country - Israel. I want to serve in a way that makes a significant contribution.”  What I felt was equally important was the fact that this Arab Muslim soldier faces no difficulties practicing her religion while serving within the Israeli army.  She explained, “They allow me to go home during the Muslim Ramadan fast, once a week to be with my family.”

On my many travels throughout Israel, I’ve witnessed Arab Muslims, Arab Christians, Druze and Bedouins who serve in the IDF, and who support Israel and are proud of being Israeli citizens. On one of my trips I was taken to the Negev and onto an army base where there were many Druze and Bedouin Arabs training in the IDF. You might wonder why this is.  Well, the reason is due to the fact that the majority were born in Israel. It is their own nation, and they are proud to protect it. I realise for some outside of Israel that this might be hard to grasp, but it proves yet again that with Jews and Arabs, blacks and whites, Israel is not an apartheid state.

If testimonies were needed, I don’t believe one will find a stronger testimony that Major Ala Wahib – the highest ranking Muslim in the IDF.  Maj. Ala Wahib states, “Is Israel inherently racist, an apartheid state? Well, do you think that such a country would tolerate a person like myself getting to the position I am today?  Someone who has not only fought alongside Jewish soldiers, but now trains them too?  Would a truly racist state allow me to play such an integral role in our nation’s defences?  I do not serve in the army to kill people – I serve in it to save people.  When Hamas fires rockets, or Fatah encourages stabbings, we are here to protect the lives of all Israeli citizens, Jewish and non-Jewish.” 

THE QUEST FOR TRUTH

As I mention in the ‘pointers to prayer’, no matter what the issues might be, God is concerned for truth and so should we.  So taking the above article into consideration, and considering how important universities are in the formative years of future leaders and opinion formers, this is an important area that many pro-Israel groups appear to miss and needs to be corrected.  So what better way of helping their education than to take them to Israel?  This is exactly what happened with the Initiative of ‘Generation 2 generation’ in a film production called ‘Quest 4 Truth’ a very compelling documentary following 11 young people from 7 different nations as they explore the Israeli–Palestinian conflict. Over 3 weeks the group stayed on both sides of the security barrier, engaging in open discussion with key Arab Palestinian and Israeli leaders and people of influence.  

The Quest 4 Truth project was a concept of a British family - Andrew, Daniella, and Daphne Kirk, of Generation 2 generation (501c3), with no experience in filmmaking, but was conceived from their experiences inspiring leaders worldwide to reach this emerging generation.  The Kirk family was told that it was “impossible to gain the cooperation of both Palestinian and Israeli leaders to make one documentary with young people determining its outcome - but they asked, and it happened.” They were also told that it could be dangerous, but after having spent 25 years in over 40 nations, being in hijack situations, under armed guard, stormed by police and nearly killed – this new venture wasn’t a challenge that would deter the Kirk family. They literally had no money, but over 25 years, a lack of finances had never been a deterrent to action - they did it anyway!

The Kirk family state, “The young people came with different perspectives and backgrounds.  No guidelines were given to speakers, no questions filtered, and no input from the crew was given over the period of filming. The young peoples’ reactions were often raw as they were challenged emotionally and personally, while being provoked to vulnerably examine their own preconceived perspectives. Bongi, from South Africa, has lived in a nation where repression and apartheid are still part of her memory. Tre, from the USA, has faced discrimination. Blaize, from Japan, was brought up to believe he would be killed if he went to Israel. Marlea, from the USA, believed being pro-Palestinian meant agreeing with terrorist acts. On this journey, they each came to discover the truth.”

The Kirk family continues, “Prior to filming, Matze, from Germany, nearly boarded a bus in Jerusalem that was blown up by a Palestinian suicide bomber. When meeting with a member of Fatah he came face to face with a poster of that very bomber. Although shaken, he asked about the poster only to discover it was a family member of that Fatah member. The result was unexpected and emotionally charged while also evoking retrospection of how his life could have been put at risk for a conflict he had no part in.” To hear Daphne Kirk give a very short account of the heart behind why they did ‘Quest4Truth, click here.

Having watched the whole documentary, there were many incidents that made me get angry, made me laugh, and made me think. One such incident was Bettina, from Germany, who actually questioned the Deputy Mayor of Bethlehem about a swastika in the brick work of the hotel the group was staying in.  I have many connections with the Shoah (Holocaust) and I’m not so sure I would have stayed quite as calm as Bettina did.  The Palestinian Deputy Mayor’s explanation of why the swastika was there was very poor.

On another occasion in Bethlehem the group met Pastor Naim Khoury of the Baptist Church there.  I first met this Pastor when my wife and I helped with a CFI tour three years ago. We met Naim Khoury at his church after I'd been speaking at the Jerusalem conference.  The fact that the Quest4Truth team allowed the young group to make their own opinion was important - even if a bit risky as they went to the Palestinian Authority areas first. However after listening to lots of talk about “Israeli occupation”, Pastor Khoury turned the whole thing around when he stated to the group, “What occupation… there is no occupation…”  It was also great to see my orthodox Jewish friend Moshe Kempinski being interviewed - Moshe and Dov do an excellent work in Jerusalem. 

I was also pleased to see the 11 young people visiting Sderot  [above] on the Gaza border. Again, this really spoke to me personally as I have been to Sderot many times, reporting news, watching rockets being fired overhead from Hamas in Gaza and visiting victims of terror attacks in the town as part of the CFI Jerusalem ministry.  The young people in the documentary were allowed lots of questions during their time in the land, and their conclusions were often surprising, yet totally honest. Each of the young people were filmed individually on arrival and before leaving to bring clarity to their journey. Whether viewers agree with their conclusions or not, it will hopefully inspire anyone who watches the film to take their own Quest for Truth in this complex and evolving conflict that reaches the media on a regular basis. 

According to the Quest4Truth team, no advertising, no experience, and no knowledge of documentary making were factors that actually might have made this happen as the Kirks were not deterred by obstacles they knew nothing about. The young people were challenged to pay their airfares and the majority of speakers gave their time freely. Everyone passionately believed this needed to be made – and it was. And without doubt, it’s a must watch.  To watch the full documentary with Christian perspectives, click here.

A proposed premier showing of the documentary took place in Jerusalem at the Stand With Us offices. Other showings will take place as requested. For further details contact: Q4Tinfo@gmail.com or go to www.Quest4Truth.org.

A DIFFERENT MINDSET?

Following on from watching ‘Quest4Truth’ I was interested to learn about Corey Gil-Shuster, creator of the video series ‘The Ask Project’. Corey traverses Israel and the Palestinian Authority areas seeking truth from the region’s everyday citizens.  Corey Gil-Shuster’s perception of the conflict before living in Israel and even after living there for years was, not understanding what the conflict was all about. He knew that Israelis wanted peace (or so he thought) and his perception was that Arabs didn’t want peace. But as a Canadian, he could not believe that. ���How can anyone not want peace?” he asked. Now Gil-Shuster randomly stops people in the street or elsewhere and tries to talk with them. If they consent to being filmed with his small camera, he asks them questions that he receives from his YouTube followers from all over the world.

To see the difference in attitudes is quite remarkable. So what was the response when he asked Arab Palestinians “What is your solution to the conflict? What would you do with the Israelis”? Click here to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7hQ4cMlrNU.

Then Corey Gil-Shuster asks the Israelis, “If you had unlimited power, what would you do with the Palestinians?” Again the response is very interesting https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g976X_SZfnI.

ISRAELI INTELLIGENCE PUBLISHES REPORT ON NEW P.A SCHOOL BOOKS

We have all seen the scenes and heard the chants, whether it's on the streets of major cities, on student university campuses, or sadly, even at certain Political party conferences. With a sea of Islamic Arab Palestinian flags waving, we hear the chants of "Palestine will be free, from the river to the sea". But what does it actually mean? Well, the river is the Jordan River; the Sea is the Mediterranean Sea - meaning "the Whole Land of Israel will be wiped off the map - there will be no Jewish country of Israel. So will these cries for "freedom" bring peace? Absolutely not!

And will the school lessons that Arab children are being taught also bring a peaceful future? Sadly, no. In the Arab Palestinian areas, in school textbooks, Palestinian school children learn that a peaceful resolution of the conflict is not an option. Rather, Palestine should be liberated from “Zionist occupation” by way of an armed struggle titled “Revolution [Thawrah]” which involves terrorist actions styled “self-sacrificing operations [‘amaliyyat Fidaiyyah]”. This is what is actually being taught to young children by the Palestinian Authority.

The Israeli intelligence published a report on the new P.A. school books which now has been updated and written by Dr. Arnon Groiss at the request of the Near East Policy Research Chairman David Bedein and the Simon Wiesenthal Centre. The original study, "Palestinian Authority textbooks: the attitude to Jews, Israel and peace (Update, June 2018)" was issued by the Intelligence and Terrorism Information Centre on July 22, 2018. This study completes a four-year research activity, in which over 364 schoolbooks for grades 1-12 that were published by the Palestinian Authority (PA) in the years 2013-2018 were examined. The overall picture revealed throughout the project is depressing and the present study does not change it: Palestinian school children and youth learn that a peaceful resolution of the Arab-Israeli conflict is not an option as you will see in this report: Read the full report in PDF here.

David Soakell Media Correspondent Tweet me @David_Soakell

[crowfunding-blog]

Godwin’s Law: Hitler and the Paradigm of Evil

Disclaimer: It is very likely that someone has already talked about this before, probably in a clearer way and involving way more science than this humble piece. This is just an idea I had that I thought was interesting enough for other people to hear.

If you have ever read or participated in an online discussion, you will have noticed that the more time passes and the more heated the exchange becomes, the more likely it is that Hitler or the Nazis will show up. While arguments fly around chatroom, citing and correcting each other, someone will inevitably say something along the lines of “Well, you know who else thought that? Hitler and the Nazis”. At which point everyone knows that the discussion is over and that that´s enough Internet for today, everyone can go home now.

As savvy Internet users may know, the official name of this phenomenon is Godwin’s Law. Named after American attorney Mike Godwin, who popularized it, it states as follows:

As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.1

Or, in other words:

The theory that as an online discussion progresses, it becomes inevitable that someone or something will eventually be compared to Adolf Hitler or the Nazis, regardless of the original topic.2

Contrary to popular belief, the Law by itself is neither limited to online discussions nor inherently bad. Its bad reputation stems from its fallacious application. This fallacy is called reductio ad hitlerium and can be summarized as an idea being “bad” just “'cos Hitler said it”. It should also be noted that it usually does not apply to legitimate discussions about the politics and actions of the Nazi Party or to actually appropriate parallels, such as neo-Nazi groups. (Although it is not impossible; after all, the Law refers to needless comparisons to the Nazis, and no discussion is ever fully safe from that).

Nevertheless, Godwin´s Law, due to its recurring appeal to reductio ad hitlerium, is considered a staple of bad debating for various reasons. Firstly, it employs an association fallacy, i.e. “these ‘bad’ people thought that, therefore it is bad too”. It also generalizes the opposing ideas or characteristics of the opponent, ignoring or contradicting the specific features in favour of broad strokes of vague “undesirable”. This deliberate blindness ultimately prevents any productive conclusion from coming out of the exchange. Finally, it is degrading for everyone involved: the one being compared, for the sudden association to one of the undoubtedly most negative men to have ever walked the Earth; the one making the comparison, for being unable to come up with a better argument; and the events referenced themselves, for the reduction of one of the blackest periods in human History to a cheap gimmick to try win an argument.

But it is not the intention of this piece to trash Godwin’s Law. Instead, we are going to attempt to look deeper into the matter and answer some questions: Why do we do it? Why specifically Hitler? Why, when we argue, do we return to the Nazis again and again?

The answer, I believe, lays in what I will call “the paradigm of evil”. (There are probably other more accurate terms for it, but at this moment I can’t recall any of them and so I will be using this one). The core idea to understand this is that we as human beings like to think in extremes. We are always pondering how far can a thing go. We are not content with knowing the height of a tree: we need to catalogue the heights of all the trees and see which is the tallest and which the shortest.

The purpose of this tendency is comparison. It helps us get a sense of the scale of a phenomenon. Let’s say, for example, that right now in your city the temperature is one of 25° C. That might be hot or might be cool; we can’t know unless we know in what range the temperature can vary. If, for example, the hottest the city has ever been is 26° C and the coldest is -5° C, we can positively say that it is very hot. Likewise, if the lowest temperature reached in the city was of 23° C and the highest was of 35°, we could affirm that it is quite chilly.

Depending on the scope of one’s vision, these “extremes”, which we will call paradigms, may include more or less variables. Following the last example, you might also compare the temperature in your city with the ones in other cities; we might think 10° C is rather cold, but compared to the -15° C of Moscow, a paradigm of coldness, we can say our city is actually pretty warm. (Arguably, the average temperature may also be considered a paradigm by itself, but for the effect of this piece it is not necessary to include it).

This is essential to the way we perceive and process the world. Data in a vacuum has no value on its own; it is only through comparison that we can grasp its dimensions. Like Lao Tzu said in the Tao Te Ching: “Under Heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness. (…) Long and short contrast with each other; /High and low rest upon each other; (…)”.  

Let us now turn our attention to another default setting in humanity: morality. We are obsessed with knowing whether we are doing right or wrong. For a long time, philosophy and religion provided us with the moral compass we craved. However, with the advent of a new era dominated by freedom of speech and the marketplace of ideas (both of which I am a big fan of, mind you), this more or less unified truth was shattered. The price to pay for this new age is relativism taking hold of the situation, which meant that all versions presented were equally right until proved otherwise– even the wrong ones. And boy, is it hard to disprove them.

The thing when discussing the rightness or wrongness of an idea under a relativistic frame is that both parties must first agree to what are the axioms to consider, or in layman terms, what are the basic truths valid during that specific discussion. This is not only practical, but also indispensable to leading the discussion to a productive outcome, since only then can both factions accept assertions put forth and reach a greater understanding of the subject (assuming, of course, that both sides are indeed working towards a greater understanding and not just arguing for the kick of it). Sadly, most online discussions lack this agreement. As a result, they degenerate into vicious flame wars, where the focus is less on the ideas and more on the chance to ad hominem all who disagree with you.

Nevertheless, people do want their ideas to get across, so they instinctively seek a common ground. This usually comes at the beginning of their argument, when they present some facts they expect to be recognized as non-debatable (axioms of a sort) and build the rest of the from that. However, in the increasingly polarized world we live in, finding common moral ground becomes harder and harder. A conservative and a liberal can interpret the same information in completely different ways, to say nothing of what their more extreme counterparts might make of it.

This is the problem we currently face when arguing: we want to communicate one idea, namely, the idea that what you are saying is morally right or wrong (usually the latter). Yet we live in a context where there is no definite morality. So, what do we do? We search deep into our collective experience for a common ground, a reference point. We want to find a something, a someone, whose morality surely we can all agree was utterly, thoroughly wrong. In other words, we want a paradigm of what is evil. It is here where Hitler comes into play.

Hitler is widely considered the ultimate evil person. Barring a few exceptions, everyone can agree that the acts committed by him and the Nazi Party were the lowest of atrocities. In our secular imagery populated minds, Hitler has replaced Satan as the representative of all that is evil in the world. In fact, the Third Reich has arisen as a new conception of Hell, with the Nazis acting as the demons that torture and hunt poor souls, incarnated here as the Jews, the Polish and other peoples that suffered under their regime.

The reasons of this generalized mental perception of the Nazis are complex, owing not little to the fact that they did indeed perform the acts they are accused of. Nonetheless, I am positive I can assert without falling in apology to Nazism that Hitler and the Third Reich’s actual evilness has been blown out of proportion. They were, after all, just people; people that committed terrible, monstrous acts, true; but who thought they were doing what was best at the time. As much as we would like to ignore it, Nazis had families and dreamt in their sleep, too. By this, I do not intend to condone or minimize any of the acts done by the Nazis, but to show that they, as historical figures, are not exactly the stereotyped caricatures painted in the media.

I personally believe one of the main causes of the extreme demonization of the Nazis stems from American media. For better or worse, America has been a major player in changing the global cultural landscape throughout the last century, aided chiefly by the movie industry. As such, it has disseminated all over the world American values, viewpoints and pop culture. It is no surprise, then, that it has also spread the American perspective on World War II.

WWII flicks are so popular that they are almost a genre on itself. It is my very non-professional opinion that they are so beloved because they are the last great conflict that could be seen in terms of black and white, before globalised communications and mistrust in the government muddled everything into a messy grey. According to this version, on one side were the evil Nazis, greedy beyond measure in their plans of world domination, not to mention the perpetrators of horrors like the Holocaust. On the other side were the noble Allies, defending liberty and democracy against hordes of fascists. (It helps that in the movies Americans are usually the valiant heroes that come to rescue weak Europe and save the day). What other war since can possibly be qualified in such terms? There are too many records for them to become myth. Not even the War on Terror, arguably the best justified of the lot, was exempt of controversy.

The downside of such epic showdowns between good and evil based on real events is that someone is bound to be the “bad guy” in the public consciousness. In this case, and as I said, not wholly undeservedly, it was the Nazis. Nowadays they have become a synonym to villainy, even when other regimes, such as the soviets under Stalin, committed similar depravities and could be seen as objectively worse than the Nazis themselves. At this point, the image of what the Nazis represent is more important than what they actually were. As Orwell said, ‘The word Fascism has now no meaning except in so far as it signifies 'something not desirable’. Hitler and the Nazis are become the paradigm of evil; or in other words, the referent of the lowest a human being can sink.

As we said before, paradigms serve a function: they are handy tools with which we can perceive the world better. In the case of the paradigm of evil, it helps us measure the morality of views or actions by the method of comparison. When we invoke Godwin’s Law, we are inviting our opponent to consider how “hitlery” an idea is and pass judgement accordingly. Moreover, since everyone more or less concedes that Hitler and Nazism is not a good thing, it is a perfect common ground to support one’s ideas (and shoot down the other’s). This is the reason we return to the Nazis again and again when we argue: they are practical to mention, they are definitely not-good and they are well known.

(It is also noteworthy that with the same logic we can configure an opposite paradigm of good. However, unlike with Hitler, there is no general accord on who this figure is: depending on one’s background and views, it might range from Jesus or Gandhi to Martin Luther King Jr. or Carl Sagan. I think that this absence of consensus is the result of two factors: a) how, although we do have an idea of what is not right, we seem to be unable to define what is right; and b) matching oneself with the paradigm of good might be pleasant, but not very useful at attacking the opponent’s ideas.)

It might come as a surprise to think that Hitler was not the first paradigm of evil, but it is only logical considering our natural tendency to take things to the extreme. In the past, Satan and other such spirits of malevolence were the representatives of all that is wrong in the world. TV Tropes mentions the Nepharious Pharaoh and Judas Iscariot from the biblical tradition as previous paradigms of evil in a subsequent Christian worldview. It is not difficult to imagine the collective groan let out by a group of Middle Ages people when that one guy said: “Ho, doth thee knoweth who else bethought like that? Judas Iscariot”. Under this perspective, Hitler is just the last iteration in a long line of figures against which we can judge our own morality.

I will leave you with a final warning. Useful as Hitler and the paradigm of evil may be, we must be careful not to abuse it. Even if it is a neat mental shortcut with which we can get our point across, it is a mental shortcut nonetheless, and it should not be confused with actual reasoning. We have already seen how quickly can it degenerate to fallacy. When we use Godwin´s Law without a good measure of caution, we risk not only the depreciation of the dark events that inspired it, but also our own arguments becoming empty rhetoric meant only to seduce the masses.

And you know who else used empty rhetoric to seduce the masses? Hitler.

Sources:

Definitions and general information:

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/godwin%27s_law

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GodwinsLaw

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reductio_ad_Hitlerum

The speech of the Judas guy was made using a Shakespeare translator:

https://www.shmoop.com/shakespeare-translator/

Finally, the quotes came from here:

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/39403-the-word-fascism-has-now-no-meaning-except-in-so

http://www.wussu.com/laotzu/laotzu02.html

[consciousowl]

If We Can’t Prove It, Can It Still Be Scientific?

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

Albert Einstein

Most people in America at one time or another have a weird experience, which might be labeled psychic, mystical or miraculous. It could be an uncanny UFO citing, an undeniable case of telepathy or an experience with a psychoactive drug, such as DMT, where you see creatures that aren’t supposed to be “there.”

However, most of us are uncomfortable talking about them for fear of being ridiculed as “unscientific.” For example, you are thinking of a long lost friend you haven’t seen in decades who has no way to know where you are right now. Suddenly, she calls you at that exact moment out of the blue.

What is foolish about discussing strange experiences?​

Scientism Is Not Science

Scientism is the uncritical belief in science as having all the answers and as the sole means of finding truth. In its own way, it is every bit as fanatical as religious fundamentalism; nevertheless, it is often condoned in academic circles.

Scientism is based upon the centuries-long tradition of rational empiricism that sought to debunk all forms of superstition, such as how many angels can dance on a pinhead. Rational empiricism held that if you can’t see it, hear it, touch it, taste it or smell it, for the purposes of science, it is unreal and can be discounted.

Science, itself, is any systematic, structured inquiry based upon observation and collaboration. The observation need not be based upon precise measurement, if not practical or convenient. It also doesn’t necessarily need to be repeatable. For example, earthquakes, which can be studied scientifically, are not exactly repeatable. Each earthquake is unique.​

Science Is More Than the Scientific Method

The scientific method is based upon experimentation and careful observation, with painstaking record keeping and published results. The English word “experiment” is actually translated “experience” in French. It is an experiential method of prediction. If I do this, then that will happen.

The scientific method is all about testing an idea or hypothesis, and seeing if it actually works out under laboratory conditions. What happens will either confirm or disprove the hypothesis. What happens should be repeatable and verifiable by third parties. Successful experiments are written and published in scientific journals, both in print and on the Internet.

The scientific enterprise has taken great inspiration from the experimental approach, but extends beyond it. For example, in evolutionary theory, most of the development studied presumably happened millions of years ago. You can’t actually observe that progress in present time; you must base it upon evidence, such as carbon dating. (Exceptions can be made for studying species with very short lifespans).​

Scientists Are Human Beings

You will find tens of millions of scientists all around the world. Physicists, alone, number over four million. Contrary to the stereotype, many of them are deeply religious or spiritual, and more than a few have been extraordinary mystics. One need only think of the early quantum physicists, such as Bohr, Heisenberg and Schrodinger. Niels Bohr actually put the Tai Chi symbol on his coat of arms.

To regard scientists as authorities is dangerous to both science and the truth, every bit as risky as taking everything a Pope says without question. Richard Dawkins, the most colorful scientist of this stripe, has launched a global crusade against all forms of religion, considering it primitive superstition with his book, The God Delusion. Dawkins’ dogmatism jeopardizes the credibility of his own brilliant research. Ironically, his religious atheism suggests he has deep religious convictions he is futilely attempting to exorcise. If you truly believe in something, you need not go around proving it.​

If you truly believe in something, you need not go around proving it.

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True scientists are distinguished by a profound sense of humility, as well as awe-inspired wonder about the Universe. The great Carl Sagan comes to mind, who, although an atheist, was passionate about the beauty and perfection of nature. Most scientists are highly reluctant to pontificate beyond their own experience. Matthew Fox, a distinguished Episcopalian theologian refers to scientists as yoga practitioners, with yoga viewed as a way to unite with the Creator.

Science Offers No Proof, Only Probability

Mathematics is based upon abstract theorems capable of “proof.” This is a definitional truth having nothing to do with external conditions. For example, 1 + 1 is always 2. Never does 1 + 1 equal 3. That is how we have defined the symbols. As the great philosopher, Immanuel Kant put it; it is “a priori.” Mathematics exists prior to anything we see in the outside world.

While science uses math extensively, especially in the physical sciences, such as physics and chemistry, it never uses the term “proof,” because it is always based upon observation. It deals with a world of uncertainty based upon probability. No experiment “proves” a hypothesis. It demonstrates a principle or offers evidence for a theory.

Thus, if you have an out-of-the-body experience (OBE) or near death experience (NDE), science can never “prove” that this is impossible, false or an illusion. Your own experience can be considered evidence. It is noteworthy that the Dalai Lama, who has been surrounded by prominent scientists for years, proposed in his book, The Universe in a Single Atom, a marriage between inner and outer science. Many Buddhist practices are profoundly experiential, even though they may not be strictly measurable.​

Quantum Physics Changed Science Forever

When scientists first began playing around with high-energy particles, it profoundly altered their notion of what was real, what was “out there.” The subatomic particles--protons, neutrons, electrons, as well as quarks and bosons--behaved in ways that utterly defied classical physics. For example, particles can flow from the present back into the past, and they can be several places at once.

With Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, gone was the idea that you could have a perfectly clean experience with observation totally independent of the phenomenon being observed. It was irreversibly recognized that the very process of observation impacts that which is observed. So you can never see a particle as it really is. Furthermore, it became increasingly apparent that the observer, the process of observation and the observed are all essentially one.​

*Above image is from the book:  Awaken Perfection

A subjective element crept into physics that could never be removed, no matter how meticulous the physicists were with their apparatus. They found that every observation caused a particle to suddenly “collapse” at a particular point. But they couldn’t tell both the speed and the position of the particle at the same time. You could identify one, or the other, but not both.

Objectivity Is a Noble Ideal

As the physicist, James Jeans, put it, “The universe begins to look more like a great thought than like a great machine.” Subjectivity is inherent in our very experience. The man with the white coat in the laboratory is every bit as subjective as you. The only way he can approach objectivity is to share his perspective with others, and look upon knowledge as a perpetual process.

Philosophically, science, along with logic and perception, deal with “tentative truth.” We are forever observing and structuring our knowledge through language. We share and compare our insights with others and gradually learn. We can never be certain about anything. If we walk across the street and no car appears, we take it on faith that we will make it across, but we never know until we have taken that last step.

Life is inherently uncertain and subjective. As Martin Luther put it, “[We] live by faith,” whatever our religious or philosophic background. While honoring our perception and reasoning, we must complement them with our feelings and intuition. Through our right brain, it is possible to receive a kind of revelation into Absolute Truth. Without personal revelation, Absolute Truth is infinitely far from us.​

Information Is Not Knowledge

In the last several decades, humanity has witnessed an explosion of data and information beyond anything previously conceivable. As the prophet Isaiah once put it, “The knowledge of God shall cover the earth as the waters of the sea.” We are going beyond terabytes into petabytes, exobytes and zettabytes. Google and Facebook work way overtime to keep up with the velocity of this information.

Raw information is, in itself, not knowledge. Knowledge is structure, well-organized information that is thought out, and put together much like leaves on a tree. It requires perspective, insight and interpretation. Knowledge must be curated to be of much value. Raw facts, by themselves, are rather empty.​

The information overload has reached the point where luminaries in the infosphere, such as Arianna Huffington, encourage people to actually switch off all their digital devices from time to time just to keep their sanity. True knowledge requires the guidance of our intuition, and intuition comes through walks by the seashore and closed-eyes meditation.

Knowledge Is Not Wisdom

We now enjoy a proliferation of knowledge well beyond data, information and facts, thanks to an array of learning venues on Facebook, YouTube, iTunes, TedX, Udemy and other sources, such as The Great Courses. You can hear professors in prestigious universities impart knowledge of every kind systematically free or for a nominal charge.

Yet, even the best teachers have a very hard time imparting wisdom to their students, which is inherently holistic, incorporating body, soul, mind and spirit. Wisdom comes with years of experience, trial and error, and many mistakes. It is housed in the great spiritual traditions, and generally requires some kind of inner discipline, whether religious or humanistic.

If we read the news media and watch what is happening in the world today, it is very clear that contemporary humanity has undervalued wisdom to its great detriment. Realizing this is a step toward healing, as you seek wisdom within and practice deep listening. As all the great masters throughout the ages have admonished us, “Seek, and you will find.”​

Stay True to Your Own Experience

The old paradigm of scientism, on the one hand, and fundamentalism, on the other, is beginning to loosen its grip on humanity, as both outlooks are distortions of the truth. Scientism is a caricature of true science and fundamentalism of true religion. They are with us longer than expected because of the dislocation, stress and profound uncertainty of global warming and an ever changing technology landscape.

Increasing numbers of people welcome the new paradigm, where consciousness is seen as the heart of reality. Both inner and outer science is welcomed with an open heart and mind. With millions of people disclosing their Near Death Experiences, the reality of spirit is increasingly difficult to deny.

You may still run into a friend, in or outside a university, who tries to put you down when you share a strange experience or two. Realize that many of these people have only a veneer of science, and have largely missed the point. As Einstein put it, “Science without religion is lame.” Reason and perception are no longer enough. The right brain is back, with both emotion and intuition informing our every thought, word and deed.

The next time you are about to be put down by a pseudoscientist who insists you prove it, ask him with a smile, “Have you ever heard of Werner Heisenberg? Nothing is as it appears to be!”​

If We Can’t Prove It, Can It Still Be Scientific? appeared first on http://consciousowl.com.