#it's genuine torture and pain but i'm mentally ill so

[velvtcherie]

"fuck it i'm actually dropping jjk" i say for the 261st time

[knifegrrrl1312]

so i feel like how aspec sexuality connecting to abandonment trauma and personality disorders is not talked ab enough, well it is by ppl with personality disorders but i wanna talk ab it basically w my experience w bpd and being aro/ace spectrum

and i know fellow bpd havers know the feeling of being unlovable very well. For me i'm demiromantic and it would take literal years for me to actually develop a genuine romantic attraction to someone, and if when i do, that person would straight up become my fp and it would be torture pain and suffering (for me mostly)

Like romantic feelings for me is nothing fun, because its linked to my mental issues inherently i feel. And i still want a romantic relationship one day but that feeling of being unlovable and like, i'm just not suited for it (in the sense that i couldnt handle it i feel) is like,, i will just not try there is no point. I will suffer for another person always wondering do they hate me will they leave me, ofc they will there's not much i can offer even. I will end up hating the person i love and then go back to loving them and then hating them etc etc.. Not to mention amanormativity (idkkk if thats how u spell it or if thats the right term) but basically i assume people want something from me that i simply cannot give. I will never be able to have sex with someone, i will never want to, I actually just wouldn't put myself thru that for someone else and because i feel like thats all anyone would actually want from me i will just probably never want to be in a relationship. Like for me personally i'm supperrr asexual like u have no idea i've known i was ace since i was literally 10 yrs old and nothing has changed i will always be like this, and i dont mind doing *some* suggestive sexual stuff if its fun and chill but the second a line gets crossed i just want no part in it and i refuse to put myself thru that.

And i'm also very fine w being single like i only ever feel like i want a gf once in awhile but i feel completely whole just by myself and my life is objectively easier and more relaxing without romance. For me i don't think i'll actually be ready for a genuine romantic relationship until i feel like i am and that will be hopefully when i'm older lol

Idk i feel like because of the stigma against aro/ace ppl and also the experience of bpd, it enhances the feeling of being unlovable. But I want to make it clear to ppl reading this post that i'm aware that i actually am lovable, this is just a feeling. And i didn't write this to complain, and if you have the same experience as me or a similar one, that doesn't mean there is no hope for you or for me. The world is so much bigger than how my brain perceives everything. Like i do want to stress that these feelings are mostly a symptom of my mental illness lol and if you have bpd or a pd it doesn't make you unlovable, bc everyone is lovable by default yknow.

Even people who's hearts are a mouthful, like mine. And even if ur reading this and you don't have the experience of having a pd but you still have feelings of being unlovable or like, there is no hope for you in romance because you are arospec or acespec or both like me, well there is hope for everyone because the world is so much bigger than societies stigma and people are as diverse as the stars.. But lmk if you have a similar experience anywayz ppl <3

[whumpdrivethru]

Can I get a uhhh… Defiant Whumpee with high-pain tolerance and a Caretaker who worries sick about them while Whumpee laughs at their own injuries??? Thank you!

Heyyy! Thank you for choosing the whump drive-thru! Enjoyyyyyyy < 3

Where Even Diamonds Shatter

TW: Blood, slightly graphic description of injuries, implied past captivity, implied past torture, bruises, angsty

It wasn't the rumbling thunder or the honking of cars speeding down the highway that roused Caretaker from their already fitful sleep. It was the frantic rapping at the door, that awfully distinct knock that tore them away from their sheets and cracked their eyes wide open.

"Ah, took you long enough," Whumpee quipped, smiling brightly at Caretaker, but there was nothing behind the eyes. Their whole body trembled, soaked to the bone in rainwater.

"Y-you look like hell," Caretaker rasped out, the concern still clear in their tone, even through their sleep-hoarse voice.

"I didn't imagine hell to be so wet." Whumpee let their lip curl upwards into a lopsided smirk as Caretaker frantically pulled them inside, unable to find Whumpee's jokes amusing the way they usually did.

Out of a force of habit more than anything else, Whumpee threw themselves on the couch, shrugging their boots off and tossing one leg over the other, the almost sarcastic groan too stoic of a reaction for the horrible state they were in right now. Their cheeks were hollow, and the bags under their eyes were dark and heavy, and they looked significantly older, even though Whumpee was barely an adult, much like Caretaker was. A patchwork of bruises in sickly shades of purple and brown marred their face, and scratches of various sizes littered their visage.

All of it made Caretaker terrified of what was concealed underneath the flimsy fabric of Whumpee's shirt as they mentally steeled themselves for the result.

"Spoiler alert, it isn't pretty," Whumpee quipped, their eyes full of mirth and amusement, and yet so unbearably empty as Caretaker lifted it up.

Ghastly. Horrifying. Gruesome. It didn't matter how many terrible words Caretaker used to describe the state Whumpee's abdomen was in, it would still be a sight burned into their eyes, engraved into their memory. Lacerations snaked across their body in various degrees of healing, the blood still fresh on some of them. The wounds were dull and ugly, clearly produced by a blunt tool, definitely not deadly, but fashioned to produce as much pain as possible. They looked more like the result of a vicious beast dragging its fangs through Whumpee's vulnerable flesh, slow and tormenting.

It wasn't that the wounds were simply unsightly; they were a reminder of all the torture Whumpee had been subjected to, of the extent of its brutality, and yet here they were, scoffing and laughing and making a show of rolling their eyes at every grimace and soft gasp that Caretaker gave. It amazed them, how they still managed to remain composed with injuries as deep as these.

"W-what did they do to you?" Caretaker breathed out softly, worrying their bottom lip in between their teeth, still unable to register what they were looking at, their eyes unfocused and glazed over.

"Ah this? Just a minor disagreement between civilised people, ya know. They say they want me to beg, and I say screw you. I'm not sure, but I don't really think they liked that," Whumpee replied offhandedly, laughing softly.

If it was anyone but Caretaker, they would've believed that laughter was genuine. They could see the hollow, lifeless look in their eyes, the way their muscles tensed, the subtle manner in which they clenched their jaw, all indicators of the severe pain they were in. They wished more than anything to scream at them to stop making a mockery of their injuries.

Instead, they went over to the bathroom, gathering medical supplies into their arms, only for Whumpee to raise an eyebrow at them sceptically. And just before they could let another snarky, ill-fitting joke fall from their lips, Caretaker tossed the supplies onto the coffee table, and their gaze turned steely.

"For the love of God, stop it! None of this crap is funny!" Caretaker thundered, their nostrils flaring as they picked up a few alcohol wipes and pressed them to Whumpee's many wounds.

"Oh come on, Caretaker," Whumpee drawled between hisses of pain as the antiseptic burned across their skin, the alcohol wipes turning crimson ridiculously fast, "would you rather I cry?"

"No," Caretaker bit out tersely, "but you shouldn't be making fun of it either."

"I shouldn't?" Whumpee hissed, voice dropping dangerously low, "Do you know how hard I bit down on my lips to stop myself from screaming, but I still did anyway? Do you know what it was like living a life where every goddamn moment is agony?!"

All their composure had disappeared into nothing, their walls broken down, the cold indifference replaced by a quivering lip and furious, shameful tears streaming down their face. Whumpee hurriedly wiped at them, as though acid was flowing down their face.

Caretaker's gaze softened as they crouched down a little lower, using the alcohol wipe in their hand to wipe the blood off their hands. They wiped the new tears off Whumpee's face with their fingers, blissfully cool against their burning skin. "I'm sorry, love," they whispered, carding their fingers through Whumpee's hair.

"You've been through a lot, I know. But it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay, I swear. It doesn't make you weak or whatever crap they told you. You don't have to laugh when you don't really want to," they continued with the same gentle tone, cupping their jaw and giving them a fond smile that still carried a forlorn air to it.

"I just don't want any pity," Whumpee attested, gaze downcast and full of uncertainty.

"And I understand that. You are strong for managing to make it through all this. I want to offer you care and not pity, love," they added, ruffling their hair affectionately.

Whumpee tried for a few false starts, but they ultimately decided on a nod and sucking in a shaky breath.

Their breathing began to slow a little as Caretaker resumed patching up their wounds, and while they still tried to keep their pain well-concealed beneath a clenched jaw as a force of habit, something a bit of time could heal, they weren't completely averse to displaying vulnerability, feeling a lot safer than they ever had in their life under Caretaker's gentle vigilance.

Vulnerability is not an indication of a lack of courage. And, while it may be difficult to process, all one needs is a steadfast companion; someone to lean on when they have been holding their own weight up for so long the way a mountain does. People are not broken objects in need of rigid fixing to return to what they once were, rather, the steps they take to heal, no matter how undesirable, are all that they need, vital to even the most resilient of minds.

Today's server is Natalia! If you enjoyed this meal, we'd all be honoured if you come again <3 <3 <3

[psielapki]

 little   softie   note   :   as   i'm   slowly   &   carefully   getting   back   into   agreeing   for   her   to   be   shipped   romantically   with   other   muses,   i   would   like   to   take   a   deep   -   dive   into   her   mind   yet   again,   as   to   express   what   her   love   truly   is.   enjoy   the   read  !!  mwah

 i   always   say   fate's   love   language   is   acts   of   service,   but   that's   not   only   partially   true,   but   also   not   the   general   meaning   of   this   kind   of   love   language.   she'll   do   things   out   of   her   own   will   and   will   take   care   of   her   loved   ones,   but   usually   without   their   consent   &   with   the   usage   of   unconventional   methods.   she'll   provide   the   basics   like   cleaning   and   cooking,   but   she'll   also   scare   away   anyone   she   thinks   has   ill   intentions   (   or   if   she   thinks   their   intentions   aren't   beneficial   for   her   loved   one's   being   ).   she   won't   take   a   bullet   for   you,   but   she'll   make   others   do   it   with   smiles   on  their   faces.

 her   acts   of   service   are   often   (   if   not   always   )   uncalled   for   and   cruel,   and   because   of   her   dominant   personality,   it's   even   more   of   an   issue.   she   knows   she's   right   ;   she's   rarely   wrong   (   if   ever!   )   and   she's   well   aware   of   that.   she'll   ask   for   examples   and   proof   of   when   and   how   she   made   a   mistake,   because   she   knows   there   will   be   none   provided,   and   if   there   are   any   she'll   explain   the   situation   twisting   it   in   her   own   favor,   making   you   think   she   was   in   the   right   all   along.

 fate's   true   love   language   is   pain.   she's   been   taught   nothing   but   pain   and   brutality   her   entire   life.   starting   with   biological   parents   —   first   persons   to   unconditionally   love   their   child,   and   they   beat   her   up,   continously   paiting   her   skin   in   hues   of   blue,   purple   and   black.   then,   her   father   —   a   mercenary,   a   soldier   —   never   hit   her,   but   provided   for   her   through   violence   and   killing.   val,   who   claimed   they   loved   their   god   and   messiah   —   fate   —   has   shown   their   love   through   cuts   on   the   girl's   body,   drugs,   rape   and   torture.

 and   so,   she'll   show   her   true   feelings   &   genuine   affection   in   the   only ways   she   knows   :   by   torturing   you,   physically   and   mentally   if   needed,   so   you   can   be   reshaped   into   a   better   and   stronger   self,   even   if   you'll   hate   her   throughout   and   after   the   process.   she   cares   about   you   getting   better.   stronger.   capable   of   surviving   without   her   interference   in   the   hardest   of   occurences.

                    she   dosen't   care   for   you   to   love   her   back.

[purplemoonshark]

When I got top surgery, it was in a city 2 hours away from the town I live in. My parents and immediate family were supportive. I thought I planned out my recovery adequately- I had the bandages and moisturizers, the pillows and gentle soaps, and I was living with my parents and younger siblings, so there would be no shortage of people to help me around the house. My mother drove me there, and then back into town. We passed my pharmacy and she said "I'm too tired to pick up your pain meds right now. I'll just get them tomorrow." I was tired. I said okay. My family then refused to get my pain meds for 3+ days (it became a blur because of the pain). I had to take care of myself and pushed far past the limits set for me by my surgeon. My parents only got my medication when I developed a fever of 103 F. A point at which my post op instructions said I should've been in the hospital, but they didn't want to take me. So they got my meds instead. I don't know if this was on purpose. I think my folks are just very mentally ill and prioritized their own emotional pain for seeing me in that state over actually helping me. My fever went down. Physically, I healed. I kind of went (pardon my language) nuts for the next year. It was like my brain broke and all my triggers went off at once. My mind didn't work right in a way that I have never experienced before or since. I felt like a burnt, frayed nerve-- like I was raw, with no skin-- like a live wire, constantly zapping. It's so hard to describe that feeling; there are no words for it. I almost ended my life.

There's more to it than that. But it is painful to even talk about. I just wanted to get some of it off my mind somewhere. I suppose I'm trying to figure out how to explain my trauma the next time I get a therapist. And also say, please pick up your meds and explain how very incapacitated you will be to your caregivers before you have surgery. I feel, genuinely, that I was tortured.

[batemanofficial]

standard time-fueled sappiness under the cut womp womp

i hate transitory periods because they make me so SAD!!!! this one especially that i'm in rn is causing me to have to fight back tears if i think about it for too long!! i spent much of my undergraduate years in the throes of mental illness and constantly ebbing back and forth between passive and active suicidality whilst trying and failing to deal with my psychosis symptoms so i don't feel like i really got to appreciate college until i got medicated, which was like. this past summer.

but now that i'm at a place where i can manage my symptoms i'm seeing just how much of the quote-unquote "college experience" i missed out on and how fun it really is. i've made more friends in college over the past year than i did in the whole three years prior, and being able to navigate friendships without feeling like i have to wrench myself out of them before they realize i'm wacko is simultaneously really freeing and infuriating because i missed out on soooooo much of that!! and all because i was like one bad hour away from shuffling off this mortal coil for like 8 years straight !! i spent every waking moment from the age of fourteen until june of 2023 loathing myself with every fiber of my being and now that i don't want to die anymore i'm just kind of lamenting the friendships and the happiness i didn't feel like i deserved in that time and it SUCKS

and that said i love the friends i've made since the start of my recovery more than they could ever know, and on the off chance that rae is reading this i need you to know you saved my life more times than than either of us can count. and just these past few months with jessie + company has shown me that college doesn't have to be jaime's misery jamboree all the time and i am so so so so grateful. i mean it.

but now that it's all coming to an end i'm just!! sad!! i never thought i'd miss college bc i spent like 80% of it wallowing and languishing and torturing myself, but im going to miss this city and the connections i've made with it so so so so much. i love chicago with all my heart i really do. it can be a weird and frustrating place to live in, but it will always be a part of me and i think i'll always call it home to some degree. i feel like i grew up here - i went from a sheltered kid with no ability to navigate by herself to a (mostly) functional adult here, and i have the city to thank. it feels like moving away from a parent in a way; i love my own parents but i feel like the city has shown me so much more than they ever could, as stupid and knockoff-sondheim-musical as that sounds.

i know if i don't go through with my plans to move abroad i'll regret it, but it doesn't make saying goodbye to this part of my life any less painful. being here and growing up over the past few months has taught me that i am a part of something really special, and for the first time in a really, really long time i know i don't want to die and remove myself from it all. i genuinely didn't think i'd have hope for the future ever again, but i never realized how much of just this depth of feeling i was missing out on. anyway. i love my friends and i love my city and i don't want to say goodbye to either of them!!!

[disco-cola]

Okay might be a controversial take what I’m about to say but honestly I feel like they should make voluntary euthanasia for humans possible in more countries like when someone is chronically ill, may it be physically or mentally or both, and daily life just becomes torture for years and years on end and there is no stop or hope in sight for the future, and nothing seems to help, affected people should be able to decide to end their life when after documented years of struggle there is no improvement in the way they feel. Like no one asked to be born into this world, and everyone should have the right to a decision to leave this world peacefully and dignified without pain. No one should have to choose a train, a bridge or an uncontrolled lethal intoxication administered by themselves etc. or just waste away and wait around to die for years or even decades. Family members should be able to get involved beforehand in this decision too, no one should find or lose anybody in this horrible painful state. My mother is a nurse and sometimes visits a care home to get blood tests etc. from them and says there is a patient there who was born healthy but was in a bad motorcycle accident when he was 17 and is physically and mentally disabled ever since, can’t speak anymore, can’t walk. He has tried several times to end it by dropping himself out of his bed in the care home. Each time he unsuccessfully tries he gets more confined and I think this is absolute inhumane treatment, because HE is the one who has to live that life in this way and no one else, who are other people to decide over him and to forcefully keep him here when he so obviously doesn’t want to live like that anymore? Jimi Hendrix sings in a song „I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die so let me live my life the way I want to“ and I genuinely feel this about a voluntary decision to unalive oneself as well, there should be more options to ease people‘s suffering.

[our-inspire-verse]

I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut

Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.

How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"

I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.

You will die without it.

And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.

Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.

I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.

[actually-eldritch]

It's so…interesting…to do things we used to do,

but from outside of The Threatre.

We had a tendancy to always know why we were doing something…if the information was available, and findable to us, anyway. When we had developed a habit of cutting ourselves, we had already become well-acquainted with all of the reasons why someone would do such a thing.

Whilst the attention-seeking was a farce (that is, for my system nothing got us attention and when it was purely negative and would mostly result in torture which made it horribly undesirable), a different pain to distract the mind, and the regulatory release of the action was familiar to us.

Of course, people did all sorts of things to convince people that cutting was horrible and should never be done or encouraged in any way shape or form, but I joined the game late. What I had been doing before was infinitely worse: because people focused on cutting as a form of self-harm, I had genuinely spent too long in childhood concussing myself and believing that it did not count. When I realized cutting was completely superficial in comparison, and if I chose the right spots I'd be perfectly fine and heal fully, I was pissed.

I could have been doing something significantly safer, and better for me, but in typical Machine fashion when they tried to "help" those in-need, they mostly focused on targeting what upset them and ignored the root cause, the root need, that might drive someone to do such a thing, offering nothing of proper value to replace it. Ultimately the advisory amounted to "JUST GET BETTER!" completely and utterly failing to acknowledge that some people just have shitty lives that aren't going to get better, and they need a lot of technique which come in the form of sacrifices in order to get through it.

They couldn't understand that I was actively being tortured and that there genuinely wasn't a way out of it. They'd insist on telling me to put my faith in organized groups that had already hurt me worse and were more likely to make everything worse--doing things like aggravating the perpetrator but leaving me in his possession as they did it.

Fat lot of good that does, huh?

Then the sacrifices I had to make work like this: a cost on my health I have to organize my life differently to take these pills, I cut my skin so that my brain has something else to think about, I omit the truth strategically to suffer less abuse, I share less of who I am to keep it safe... the list goes on.

Anyway.

We could only cut ourselves in a fit of putrid rage: when we hated ourselves so much, when the demons in our head chanted that we deserved to bleed, that we needed to see it dripping, we'd succumb to the urge, slash until it was gone.

It was the only way we could over-ride the instinctual desire to flinch, to wield the blade with less pressure, to slide it in a flimsy manner that resulted in shallow cuts or just scratching the surface.

Now it's been years since I had a tendency to hate myself enough for such an over-ride. But something changed--it hasn't been years since I cut.

Different parts of our system became the new culprits of this behaviour--it was a gatekeeper, before she shattered. I can't exactly remember the circumstances within which she did it, but I can remember the emotions. A lot, but she felt cold. It wasn't rage exactly, though I believe played a part still. If I had to guess, she felt like a failure, and she needed a distraction.

More time passes.

Today.

I'm no longer capable of properly suicidal behaviour, because my soul and my life are not mine. I only speak for myself when I say this; I genuinely cannot let myself die. Any attempt to do so would instantly be thwarted by another part of my system which the part(s) that wish(es) to leave us has no control over.

I am being overwhelmed once more by things outside of my control pulling me in to various flavours of Mental Illness Episodes. Between people being selfish resulting in the excruciating neglect of my needs (needs I cannot physically meet on my own without going through them), the machine breaking (having to deal with paperwork and bureaucracy in order to access the next stage of my life), and my body failing me (thanks to the machine breaking my disabled body is frequently an obstacle I cannot over-come; when I cannot access my medication, or facilities where my accessibility tools can function, or accessibility tools at all, and people totally lack consideration for my function because they cannot comprehend it)....

Between all of that, I am over-whelmed by difficult emotions, and consistently falling in to a pattern of "wait" "wait" "wait". So I've returned to my old friend again, this time my over-ride was using the hands of another body of mine; my darling.

After showing him how to do it, he did perfectly well: and likely cut me better than I've ever done it myself. Now I once again have cuts that hurt, that I can grab and hit in order to distract myself, or make myself behave when I need to.

It's exceptionally effective, and cathartic.

I've been wanting to do this for a while, I suppose it wasn't the right time yet. Whether it was because I wasn't yet commanding enough about it, with some internal resistance--that I needed to trust him more, or be less scared, or whether it was because HE needed to trust HIMSELF more, to become less squeamish, so on...

We finally did it.

And while we made an event of it--fashioning it erotic, and it was--ultimately the reasoning behind it was purely calculative. The flourish of the theatre makes the experience more pleasurable, filling even more of my neglected needs.

Outside, it was preformed on the theatre but in my mind, it was consciously orchestrated from behind the curtains and within that,

I find my new state of being.

[boxed-chardonay]

So look, I have this cousin (in his mid 30s I think) who is in jail for numerous offenses few of which are substance use/dealing and illegal possession of a firearm (this will become more relevant later) . He was arrested at burger King Like All great criminals are. He's Been in rehab, corrections, and prison for about 5ish years now.

Now this is where it gets twisted. He is soon to be released, which for numerous reasons we will talk about I don't agree with. But i know somebody who has evedance that he hasn't changed despite what he is presenting himself to be. But to understand that, let's go back to just before he got arrested.

The leading days to his arrest (keep in mind he was on illeagal substances) he harassed everyone in the family. From his mom to the 7 aunts and uncles and everyone in between. With out going into detail he harassed both if his sisters. Calling it harassment is taking it lightly. That same week he broke into my home and stole my father's cloths and one of his uncles duffel bags to "deliver" "goods" that same day the previously mentioned illeagal firearm was brought to my mom's attention. Nothing was said nothing came out of this man's ill mouth. Just a blank, emotionless stare right at my mom. On the same day as well my mom was babysitting my 2 younger cousins. He purposely told them that a tornado (it was storming out) was going to kill them and left the house. Quite a few things after that happened that I vaguely remember, but I can't pull them forward for some reason. Anyway. The next week he was arrested at burger King and sent to a rehab/corrections facility. Things genuinely seemed like they were turning around for him, which was strange because he's been in jail before and he came out with noting different about him. Some time goes by as his mother updates the family. People asked me to send him money to which I did not. Last year, around this time his claim was he was becoming an ordained minister for the church. Which once again struck me as odd. He was never a church going person. But the pastor of the church that I occasionally frequent that all my family goes to saidhe was doing better and how he was meeting with him every so often to help him get ordained. Hopes started increasing that things might potentially be changing for him.

I now believe I was wrong. Recently our uncle had passed over a substance overdose. And strange things happened (that's for another story). He claimed he saw our uncle with our deceased grandmother. His mom. It was an entire thing for a different story. One of my cousins stayed with me during my uncles service because she came from Kentucky. I was brought to attention of a list of things he wanted is girlfriend pinpal to search for him. One of which was a very specific illeagal substance traid in my state.

I bring this up because most people in my family don't know this. I also bring this up for the judge mental posts that I have seen. But I have to be honest though judgemental I don't disagree. I fear my families life when he gets out because I fear what he will do. My mom tells me "he served his time" to that I say his time isn't long enough. People tell me "only one person can judge him now and that's God" Like I'm sorry. Love thy neighbor and all but love thy neighbor behind bars. I shutter to think what this man is going to do when he gets out. And if it has anything to do with anyone in my family being harmed he will be the one 6 ft under and I will be the one behind bars. I've been told I might act nice but I can mace Satan cry and if my cousin ends up in hell as a result of me Satan himself will apologize because I will be the one in his torture chamber humiliating, torturing, and harvesting his pain for eternity. Everyone has high hopes for him. But they don't know what I know. And for that I home they won't find out because if the cops don't get to him before I do there will be hell to pay and I will enjoy every second of it even if it results in me being behind bars for the rest of my life. And he will have to answer to me for the rest of eternity. Begging for me to stop, asking me to let him take one breath. Because I won't.

[femsolid]

hey, genuine questions from someone who has no idea what your blog is about and happened to see your responses to those anons about gynecologists and trauma. is your ideal solution to men in the medical field hurting their patients barring them from the field entirely, or ensuring all women have access to a female gyno if that’s something they want? and do you have an opinion on what trauma victims who cannot and will not see a *female* gyno due to our statistically unlikelier but still real experiences would actually do in the first scenario? i have a male gyno i trust (you’re free to think that’s wrong but he is the only one that has listened to me and consistently proved he respects my consent and boundaries) and i truly don’t see another path to seek out medical care if that option was denied to me. this isn’t meant to be a gotcha or anything, but your post felt dismissive of people like me even if it wasn’t your intention, if that makes sense?

I don't want to be rude but I have answered all this in the post you claim to have read...

is your ideal solution to men in the medical field hurting their patients barring them from the field entirely

Yes. As I have already said. Yes.

And yes we still live under a male supremacy after centuries of sex based slavery so maybe it would be good if men didn't have power over women at some point in the near future. Yes.

and do you have an opinion on what trauma victims who cannot and will not see a *female* gyno would actually do in the first scenario

You obviously know the answer to that too.

So your actual point is: "if you don't let men have power over women then I won't see a gynecologist at all because I don't trust women." You are giving me an ultimatum: women not being violated or you being able to see a male gyno.

You admitted that women were not the problem after all ("statistically unlikelier"), so again, if we're looking at this rationally, replacing men with women would make you safer wouldn't it? And if we both agree that your male gyno is statistically more likely to abuse you (and to be less competent), then why do you say I'm being dismissive? If I were dismissive of your well being I would tell you to go see only male medics.

Gynecology is an extremely misogynistic, intrusive and abusive field built on the back (or rather in the womb) of tortured women of colour. Its history is absolutely horrific. Quite frankly it should be dismantled so that women could create an actually female centered profession. You can't have that with men violating women left and right, pregnant women getting ptsd from obstetrical abuse, female patients gaslighted to death, women of colour ignored to death, gynecologists forcing unecessary exams on girls, cold hearted clinical exams that leave women ashamed and crying etc.

Actually, the changes I'm looking for concern the whole medical field: women only diagnosed with uncurable whatever after 15 years of seeing 20 doctors dismissing them, people waiting for hours in pain, mentally ill patients tortured, exhausted and underpaid medical staff, not enough emergency beds and machines, tyranical chefs, profit driven decisions and a whole range of care and services that are only available to wealthy people.

So the shift has to be from male supremacy and capitalism to female liberation and anti-capitalism.

[barbiegirldream]

cw // Abuse mention, ableism mention, drugs mention

No, because I have beef with the fandom about c!Wilbur, and it's gonna involve other characters/people when I talk about this.

People are consistently saying this fandom needs to stop demonizing people for their mental stability or mental state or mental illnesses, extending that to the characters. But people will blast c!Techno for sounding "too boring" or "not having emotion", even though cc!Techno is expressive af and that goes to the chracters, or how people will pick apart how c!Dream is this evil, manipulative mastermind who tortures and abuses kids because he's able think/map out his plan- which a trait extended from cc!Dream (or for some reason make fun of his fucking speech patterns?? As well??)

Or when characters like c!Schlatt are shown to have deteriorating health, they make him out to be this big, strong, ruthless leader, who abuses c!Quackity on the daily. Then there are moments where c!Niki is displaying genuine trauma and anger, like when she burned down the L'Mantree or helped in the destruction of supplies of the fight before Doomsday, or when she tried to kill fucking c!Tommy with c!Jack, the fandom doesn't treat those moments with care?? They treat them as if she's just being a "girlboss". When in reality, those were harmful outlets for all the pain she felt, and was getting desperately ignored.

But with c!Wilbur? Oooooh nononono, guys! He was just in a silly quirky mood when he dragged those kids (another point this fandom likes to hammer on) into war with other people, created L'manburg with the intention of creating a drug monopoly that would take advantage of the lack of potions or "drugs", or- or- when he was spiraling during the Manberg era, guys, he was just mentally ill!! You shouldn't fault him for all of that, even if his actions would've directly hurt other people, like blowing up/killing everyone during the festival that one time! He was just. Mentally. Ill.

Or how people will say that c!Dream and c!Tommy could never, ever, hope to repair the friendship they had between each other, because c!Dream was his abuser! There's no way you could repair a relationship with you abuser!

As there's hundreds of fanart depicting c!Wilbur and c!Tommy in a friendship that makes them brothers/brotherly to one another, despite the amount of c!Wilbur has dragged c!Tommy through, that could be argued to be just as bad as what c!Dream dragged c!Tommy through. (Especially post-c!Wilbur revival, where he decided to try and make L'manburg part 2 , but with a fucking burger van)

Like, what kind of message is it supposed to mean when shit like that is all chalked up to "mental illnesses", but other characters who spiraled just like c!Wilbur, are demonized and heavily criticized in the same breath, hell, in c!Dream's case in particular, are treated as if he's perfectly sound and just wanted to put down "Abuser, specifically of children" in his fucking resume?

God, I'm sorry for clogging your inbox with this, but the way this fandom treats c!Wilbur in the majority state, just pisses me off.

Thisssss!!!

Or someone made a post talking about fun things c!Dream does or whatever just a headcanon post and people said they were giving a villain ADHD which villianaizes the mental illness… it’s like people who think c!George wouldn’t be colorblind.

How the fuck is cc!Dream supposed to play someone without ADHD he has ADHD. CC!George would never be able to play a character without color blindness.

It’s sooo stupid. The CCs in this fandom who aren’t nuerotypical are treated worse than characters who people headcanon to be nuerodivergent.

Because yes the c!Niki shit bothers me so much. She’s not a girlboss. c!Hannah is a girl boss. c!Niki needs to find herself. Or people get upset she’d blame c!Tommy and c!Dream like imagine you live in a country that’s being blown up cause some bitch ass teenager wouldn’t just give over some fucking discs? I’d be pissed too. Who cares that c!Dream was the tyrant he’s never gonna change or anything. Like people refuse to think about how other characters might view things.

C!Wilbur is supposed to be a story of a fall from Grace. People refuse to give him that.

[scripttorture]

Hello hello, I have a question about the tv show Columbo and the titular character. I'm so intrigued by how Lt. Columbo messes with the heads of murderers. He's done things like convince a chemist who offed his uncle that he's holding a box rigged with a pipe bomb. He deliberately induces paranoia in killers, and pushes them to the edge until they snap. Does that count as psychological torture? Bc I've had bouts of paranoia that nearly made me scream and I would Never survive his questioning.

I suggest not using the term ‘psychological torture’ because it uh… it’s got some baggage. It’s a term that’s usually used by torture apologists to dismiss and belittle the harm caused by certain torture techniques. Usually clean torture techniques, which are those that don’t leave lasting obvious scars. These are the majority of tortures today.

 I understand what you’re saying, and I understand most people don’t know this stuff. But uh… most of the time when someone says ‘psychological torture’ what they mean is ‘I don’t believe this is physically harmful.’ And most of the time it really is.

 There is not really such thing as ‘psychological torture’ as a separate category. There’s a whole host of ways people can be manipulated, coerced or abused without inflicting physical injury. These are wrong. But they do not necessarily fall under the legal definition of torture.

 I’ll talk about the legal definition first but I think that what you’re interested in isn’t exactly the question you’re asking. Because whether something meets the strict, legal definition of torture or not does not necessarily tell you whether it is harmful, wrong or illegal but covered under other laws.

 You can find the legal definition of torture here.

 Briefly: the UN Declaration against Torture defines it as: ‘any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted by or at the instigation of a public official on a person for such purposes a obtaining from him or a third person information or confession, punishing him for an act he has committed, or intimidating him or other persons.’

 I know this is a little dense but what it basically means is that for an act to be torture it must:

Be done by a government official, group that controls territory or someone that represents them.

Painful

Done knowing it would inflict pain

Done for one of the four defined motivations

 Attempting to force a confession is one of the defined motivations. However for the kind of act you describe to meet the definition a prosecutor would need to prove that it causes pain and that the person doing it knew that in advance.

 Triggering someone’s paranoia is not necessarily torture because it can be done without knowing the person is paranoid or knowing the pain triggering paranoia causes. This does not make triggering someone’s paranoia OK. It does not reduce the pain it causes. But it can be done without understanding it will cause pain.

 So, no. I do not think that this would be defined as torture.

 However I think it could be entrapment. Pressuring someone into incriminating themselves is a crime in a lot of places.

 It’s also not… a very accurate way of trying to figure out whether someone actually committed a crime. As you point out, mental illness can effect things making people act in ways that are read as ‘guilty’, which is part of what leads to higher rates of charges.

 There’s also a pretty high rate of false confessions in scenarios like this, regardless of the mental health of the suspects. Coercion of this kind leads to an awful lot of false confessions. Which means that it’s both immoral and bad practice.

 There’s an awful lot of fictional tropes in crime fiction that don’t just depict bad practice but things that are straight up immoral. I watched some Columbo for the first time during the pandemic and while I enjoyed it, I agree that this… isn’t the way real law enforcement should behave. At least not if the aim is genuinely finding people responsible for crimes and holding them accountable.

 I don’t think the use of these tropes and conventions in fiction is always a problem. But people not understanding or recognising the reality, believing the fiction is reality, I think that can be a problem.

 Now obviously my focus is torture. The fictional tropes about torture specifically are often taken to be ‘real’ by readers/viewers because accurate information on torture is hard to find. And that has an effect on everything from reporting to policy.

 My impression is that the situation surrounding tropes in crime fiction more broadly isn’t quite as dire. There seems to be increasing understanding of how investigations are conducted both in fiction and in general public awareness.

 There is still a big stress on interrogation and dramatic confrontation in fiction. I think that’s because it’s easier to write in a way that’s tense and compelling.

 Don’t get me wrong, this sort of stuff does still happen in real life and it leads to a lot of false confessions and wrongful imprisonment.

 As for any stories you want to write- I think that if you want to show a detective as competent and good at their jobs, it’s probably better to show them actually investigating rather then browbeating or coercing people.

 In the scale of things I think Columbo handles this stuff better then a lot of other crime shows made at the same time. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always comfortable viewing, depending on your own limits and comfort zones. And it doesn’t mean that the show is perfect.

 I hope that helps :)

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[time-overload]

I'm still really struggling but I don't think it's good for me to isolate myself more than I already do. I've been in my head too much. I'm really afraid about the future. I have felt like I've been in a fog since I woke up this morning. I'm trying really hard to get better but I didn't think it was going to be this difficult. I'm in so much pain all the time I can barely move when I get home from work. I spend most of my weekends recovering from the week and I really don't do anything or talk to many people because I simply don't have the energy and I'm kind of crabby and don't want to bring anyone down. I've been having muscle spasms in my back that keep me up all night. Nothing really seems to help. It's almost impossible to get comfortable when I'm sitting, even in the recliner. I can't focus or accomplish much. Basic tasks are a challenge. I'm really weak. My room is a disaster and it's too damn hot to clean. Everything is piling up around me. My mental illness is getting in the way too. I can barely take care of myself and I feel like I'm way too young to be feeling this way. I feel like no one understands.

I just keep getting busier at work and I feel like I can't keep up with the standards I set for myself several years ago. I just run all day long now. I really enjoy what I do and I put my best effort into everything but sometimes I probably overdo it. I genuinely care about improving the quality of life for other people but I can't seem to do it for myself. I'm burning more calories than I can take in. I've been given a lot more responsibilities which normally wouldn't be a bad thing if I could physically handle it. It seems so easy for other people but I guess I have no idea how they feel. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job if I get any worse and I can't find a different job and I feel stuck where I'm at. I'm scared about Winter because things are only going to get harder. Every day feels like torture lately.

I'm afraid to go back to the doctor and have them dismiss me again. I wish the pain would go away. I don't want any more bills for nothing. I can't take any more sick time for a while either so I just have to tough it out and hope that I can fix myself again. I haven't been drinking because it just makes me feel worse and I know I can't do it anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a drink (responsibly) when I'm healthy again but until then I am staying far away from it. It isn't even appealing at this point. I even turned down an invitation to a party because I just don't want to be around that and I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyway. It makes me sad because I really miss having friends and I'm tired of locking myself in my room.

I've been working on eating better but it has been a nightmare for me. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life. I either eat way too much or not enough. I have a hard time eating when I'm stressed because it feels like I have knots in my stomach. All of my "safe foods" are horrible for me. I've always been super picky and avoided social situations that involved food because they created a lot of anxiety for me. I've always preferred eating by myself because then no one could judge me. It makes it hard to have healthy friendships especially when I already feel socially awkward a lot of the time.

I kind of feel like I was doomed from the start. I was born 2 months early via emergency c-section. My mom had toxemia preeclampsia and we both almost died. I was seperated from her before she even got to hold me and was taken to a different hospital by ambulance. I was 3lbs 2oz and I spent the first month of my life in the NICU. I feel like I've always been a little different. I have always been small and my doctors have told me that's just the way I'm built and I hate it. I was always envious of curvy girls because I've gotten tired of being called a "twig" or "chicken legs". I got bullied a lot and people would refer to me as the "anorexic girl" in middle school. People still make insensitive comments about my weight all the time and it sucks but I've learned to live with it. I have felt ashamed of my body because of that.

We grew up really poor and my dad was the only one that worked while my mom stayed home. They didn't always have money to buy a ton of food so I adapted to eating a lot of processed foods that have minimal nutritional value. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch when I was a teenager and would have an energy drink or a soda instead. We rarely ate vegetables at home other than potatoes and corn. My mom would cook dinner sometimes but it was usually a cheap boxed meal that she would make me finish while I took care of my siblings and she sat in the garage and talked to herself while chain-smoking and drinking her evening bottle of wine. It was hard to thrive with the way she treated me and I felt like a burden to her. She would often be too hungover to take me to school or she would forget to pick me up. There was a period of time when she was very violent. She got arrested multiple times. She assaulted my dad and punched me so hard I had a black eye for a week and she doesn't even remember doing that. She stole all of the money I had in my savings account for college and blew it on whatever she wanted. I knew she was sick but it didn't make it any easier to deal with because I know that's not who she really is. She used to be very kind and loving. It was incredibly stressful for me and I was coping by not eating as much as I should and stealing her cigarettes and alcohol so I can't say I was much better than her. My dad wasn't really able to cook because he was too busy working or getting abused by her so I really can't blame him. He did the best he could at the time and I don't know where I would be without him. Thankfully they got divorced and we got out of that situation but it hasn't been an easy journey since then. We tried so hard to help her but she refused and mental healthcare in this country is awful. There aren't a lot of resources out there unfortunately. My relationship with her hasn't improved and she still thinks I'm this horrible, evil person and it's unlikely I will ever see her again because she refuses to come home and cannot comprehend that she has something wrong with her. I still love her anyway.

Although I can make some things, I never really learned how to cook properly, even when I became an adult and had my own kitchen because it wasn't a priority for me at the time. I naively thought I could eat fast food all the time without suffering the consequences. I thought I was invincible or something. It didn't help that I lived with someone who also struggled with the same thing. When I was younger, I rarely ate a meal that was made from scratch except for on holidays or when I would go visit my grandparents because there was just too much drama going on at home to eat together as a family. The most I ever weighed was 130lbs when I started college and I felt amazing but it has been downhill from there. It didn't help that I did a lot drugs and made a lot of bad choices after that. I know my growth has been stunted from poor nutrition and anemia. I've been doing a lot of research to try to understand why I have such a difficult time with eating and apparently premature babies are more likely to develop eating disorders later in life along with other mental health conditions. It doesn't help that 2 of my permanent teeth didn't develop and sometimes makes eating uncomfortable. Implants aren't really an option at the moment so I'm trying to deal with that too. I am afraid to have another surgery because of my previous experience. Having sepsis last year really kicked my ass too and I'm still not over that either. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm not even 30. I don't know what to do.

I'm not trying to make excuses or complain about anything, I just need to talk about it because I don't really have anyone. Everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm doing my best to handle everything on my own. I've been trying to do yoga and meditate when I feel good enough to. I mostly drink water now and I've cut back on caffeine a lot. I have still been trying to eat 3 times a day, drinking protein shakes for extra calories, and trying to snack more. Sometimes it hurts to eat and there are some days when I can't meet my goals though and it's still discouraging when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be this thin. I want to be healthy and I don't care if that means being a little bigger. I have never starved myself with the intention of being thinner. I guess it's more about having control over something in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself for not doing things right. It makes me feel sick when I hear people tell me they're jealous and they wish they could be as thin as I am but they can't see how much I'm suffering inside. Thinness does not equal health. I know starving myself is a shitty coping mechanism. It doesn't fix anything. I spent too much time trying to destroy myself when the odds were already against me and now I'm not where I want to be. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be normal. I'm not giving up even though I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm truly hoping things will get better.

[astrid-goes-for-a-spin]

I read your reply on a marvel post and I don't want this to sound rude or aggressive or anything, but what did you mean by 'disability erasure in “merging” the Hulk and Bruce.' I'm genuinely curious because I've never heard of anyone having that opinion.

Oh hello! So, one of the reasons I love-love-love Bruce Banner and the Hulk is because of the representation of trauma and mental illness. Bruce Banner is diagnosed with DID (disassociative identity disorder) in the comics, and it’s fair to say this is true to his portrayal in the movies as well. Bruce has had an incredibly difficult and traumatic life - child abuse, his father beating his mother to death, trying to blow up his high school/commit suicide in the comics, and even trying to shoot himself in the MCU. On top of all this preexisting trauma is the medical experiment that irradiated him.

The Hulk is a product of the post-WWII fear we lived in as a society. Nuclear power could be a good weird (like Spider-Man), or it could make you into a rampaging monster. As someone who studies the superhero genre and disability within it, I think it’s safe to say Bruce in the MCU has DID: the Hulk is the “protector” identity who takes over when Bruce’s life is in danger - or if he gets triggered and feels out of control (“don’t make me angry”). Because of comics science bullshit, the Hulk is a physically different person than Bruce Banner - not only is he 9ft tall, green, and so strong he can break the world, his face is shaped differently. His hair is cut/styled differently. Comic science bullshit gives us an opportunity to see the Hulk as he is: NOT Bruce Banner. Psychologically, the Hulk’s defining feature - his strength/indestructibility - comes from child!Bruce’s desire to protect himself and just be strong enough to protect his mother: the Hulk is the strongest there is.

We see a lot of this in the 2008 The Incredible Hulk, a movie that I love beyond words. Yes, Bruce’s situation is complicated by the fact that he’s hiding from Thunderbolt Ross, but he’s living a life very familiar to people struggling with mental illness. He’s isolated, but maintaining a routine; he’s learning to defend himself but also manage his physical response to his triggers; he’s meditating constantly and keeping a log of how many days he can go without losing control. His life is defined by trying to get rid of the Hulk - or, in disability terms, to “cure” himself of DID. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to want, especially if your alter is causing so much damage (especially to those you love, shoutout to the forgotten but much beloved Betty Ross). Unfortunately Bruce lives in the superhero genre, and General Ross wants to use the Hulk as a weapon, which ups the stakes.

That movie follows a man made homeless, naked, and begging by his mental illness across two continents. He wants to go back to the way life was before. He wants his lab, he wants Betty, he wants to stop hurting people. He’s plagued by guilt and flashbacks of events that happened to the Hulk. His metronome for meditating reminds him of the initial experiment gone wrong, and the associated fallout. He collapses in the shower because the showerhead spraying water looks like a cannon spraying bullets.

Because of Superhero Drama, Bruce eventually realizes that the Hulk is the only one who stands a chance against the Abomination, and comes to the conclusion that he will sacrifice himself to the Hulk - possibly losing himself forever - for the greater good. The Hulk takes out the Abomination and runs off; later we see Bruce in a very desolate cabin in the British Columbia. He’s exercising, he’s meditating, and he’s working on his mental health in that he’s gone so long fearing the Hulk, trying to kill the Hulk - who is basically a superpowered toddler desperate to protect the ones he loves - maybe that’s not the healthiest way to approach his DID, and he starts working on some strategies to switch to the Hulk without the triggers - thus working on eliminating the danger of the triggers at all.

Fast-forward to The Avengers. Bruce never names the Hulk in The Incredible Hulk, referring to him only as “it.” By now he’s using a more familiar moniker - “the other guy.” Bruce has not quite gotten over his suicidal intention (which was how the 2008 movie was intended to open, a failed suicide attempt), but he’s trying to make the best of his life by helping others. That’s what he’s always wanted to do. Natasha comes to recruit him, and he keeps his cool through Tony’s insistent attempts to catch him out, finally confiding the loss of control and horror and pain he feels when he’s not there anymore. (DID can feel like blackouts, like being possessed...the MCU seems to go with “blackout with some fuzzy memories in flashback form”). Tony asserts the Hulk saved his life - which would be his primary objective as the protector identity. Bruce scorns the idea, because he does not value his life.

I’ll point out there’s only one accidental Hulk-out here: Bruce and Nat fall two stories and Bruce gets banged up. His head is messed up, and while Nat had the good fortune/training to land fairly safely, Bruce catches the fall on his hands and knees. His wrists and knees are definitely cracked. He tries to hold the Hulk at bay, but with these injuries and a bonk on the head, the protector identity with healing factor is eager to fix Bruce’s tiny mortal body, and he feels threatened.

Fast-forward to “I’m always angry.” I’ve been trying to puzzle this line out for years. I can believe that Bruce Banner is always angry, deep inside. His life is profoundly unfair and agonizingly painful. One of Bruce’s greatest strengths is that he does everything he can to remain kind and empathetic and keep his alter from reigning that anger down on the world. Some fans have speculated that his body is always in a state of high blood pressure, etc; some fans have no idea. I think that after around 8 years of living like this, Bruce has it mostly under control due to his myriad lifestyle changes, but at this moment just allows himself to be just as angry as the circumstances deserve. His pulse skyrockets, and the Hulk punches the Leviathan out of the sky.

This is a complicated issue for him - Bruce’s fear has always been that the Hulk would be weaponized - but as it was with the Ambomination, it was a do-or-die situation. He wouldn’t die, but by god, everyone else would. His morals can take a backseat to saving lives.

Which brings us to his tortured state in Age of Ultron. Bruce loves being part of the team, much in the same way Natasha does. It’s the first real family he’s ever had. What he doesn’t love is Code Greens, which are sometimes necessary, but he’s taking precautions, because that’s what you have to do when you have an unpredictable mental illness: he’s designed Veronica to put him down. He’s worked out the lullaby with Natasha to tell the Hulk that it’s safe and Banner can come back. He has shock blankets and comfy clothes, he has nice headphones for his soothing opera music; he asks obsessively about how the Hulk is in battle; Natasha asks lightly, “When are you gonna start trusting me?” but instead of flirting back, Bruce replies darkly, “It’s not you I don't trust.” Even able to eliminate most of his triggers, even able to change into the Hulk at will, Bruce feels like he’s got a monster inside him - because he does. And even if things are better than they were, he feels like any wrong move he makes can cascade into innocent people - and people he cares about - being hurt. 

We don’t see his fear-vision in AoU; we don’t have to. He lives it. Bruce’s worst nightmare - the Hulk’s worst nightmare - is being out of control in a civilian population. The Hulk has no control over himself while under Wanda’s spell; much as the other Avengers are rendered catatonic, the Hulk is sent into hyperdrive, desperate to get away, get her out of his head. When the spell finally wears off, the Hulk is devastated to see the damage and the screams and the fleeing people and the dust - while he is a savage Hulk, his purpose is protector, and this goes against his nature. The Hulk loved to smash the Chitauri, but he also loved to protect the terrified officeworkers in the skyscrapers and save Tony’s life, something the Hulk felt only he could do, so he did. 

But Bruce still thinks of himself as a monster. Not the Bruce part - but the Hulk part. He’s not giving the Hulk enough credit, but how can he? He doesn't understand the way the Hulk works. He’s never been diagnosed, he’s never been to therapy, he’s never taken medication for DID. All he sees is traumatic flashbacks and disturbing security footage and the equally disturbing reaction of the world claiming that the Hulk in all his violence and savagery is a hero. He spends AoU desperate to run away. To start a new life somewhere (preferably with Natasha), and never have to be the Hulk again. 

Natasha’s on board. That’s the tragic part. It’s just that she can’t leave a mission unfinished, so she throws him in the hole and the Hulk comes out. However, the Hulk has a relationship with Natasha separate from Bruce’s - just as Bruce and Betty had a different relationship than the Hulk and Betty. When Natasha calls for the Hulk to come back to her, he reaches for her, not understanding she’s just a hologram - he’s expecting their pressure-point secret handshake. Accidentally, he cancels the call and loses contact with Earth for two years. 

Fast-forward to Thor: Ragnarok, which some people say is the best Hulk movie ever made. I think I sobbed through every single time Bruce or Hulk was onscreen, even in the comedic parts. 

So let’s break it down: the Hulk has made a life for himself, a life that he loves. He’s valued. He lives in a palace. He has everything he could ever want. People like him instead of fear him (”Earth hates Hulk”). He has no responsibilities, and no guilt. He’s the strongest there is, but there’s no one he needs to protect besides Banner - who’s safe by being not there. 

The recorded message from Natasha, however, pulls Bruce back out of the abyss of the Hulk. He’s been gone - like, suspended animation or coma-ish gone. He has no memories. He has had no consciousness. The first thing Bruce asks is if the Avengers saved Sokovia. Then, he asks about Nat - because the last time he saw her, he was breaking her out of a HYDRA base run by Ultrons. His worst fears have been realized yet again. The Hulk was weaponized - for a good cause, and by someone he trusted, but still - and he hasn’t been himself in two full years. Meanwhile, the Hulk has been running a gladiator ring and killing indiscriminately. In suppressing Banner, the Hulk has grown beyond who he was initially, but he’s still an angry toddler, and he still wants to protect people (notice he didn’t kill Thor in the arena, despite the fact that he could’ve easily given him a wound he couldn’t recover from). Bruce is sure that with how out of balance their dynamic has gotten in the past few years, if he changes into the Hulk ever again, he, Bruce Banner, will be lost forever. But he makes the sacrifice to save the Asgardians anyway, and the Hulk rises to the occasion and eagerly helps fight the Fenris wolf and probably would’ve gone head-to-head with Surtur forever. He’s even willing to fight Thanos.

OKAY SO THAT’S UP THROUGH THOR RAGNAROK. HERE IS WHERE I GET ANGRY AT THE REPRESENTATION. 

In Infinity War, when the Hulk crashes into the Sanctum Sanctorum, he shrinks back into Bruce immediately. With no explanation of why he can do so after the build-up in Ragnarok about Bruce being gone forever if he transforms one more time. And then Bruce comedically spends the rest of the movie trying to get him to come out and fight. The prevailing fan theory is that this is because the Hulk has never been scared before - he’s never been up against something he couldn’t win. But the Hulk has been scared: he loves, therefore he is scared. He’s scared when Betty is knocked unconscious while he’s trying to protect her from the crashing gunship, and he’s scared when the helicopter catches fire with her inside. He’s scared when Tony falls from the sky and his arc reactor is dark. He’s scared when he and Natasha are under fire on Sokovia. He’s scared about being alone when Thor leaves him on Sakaar. So the fact that the Hulk, whose psychological purpose is the protect Bruce Banner, does not take over to protect him during some of the most dangerous situations Bruce Banner has ever endured, is incredibly upsetting to me. If Bruce is triggered by his life being in physical danger, or by being terrified and angry and he actively wants to transform into the Hulk - why can’t he? 

A literal decade of nuanced and beautiful storytelling - on some dark and touchy subjects - is condensed into a few jokes. 

But that’s not even the worst part. 

When Bruce - and I have to assume that this is Bruce, unless we’re delving deeper in to the comics and we might call him Professor Hulk (a third alter) - shows up in IW, he nonchalantly informs the Avengers that he decided to combine “brains and brawn” and is now Bruce Banner...living in the Hulk’s body. The Hulk is expunged. Bruce Banner’s body is gone. The plot needed a strong guy who knew particle physics, and this was how to do it. But in doing so, they alienated the communities that felt represented by Bruce/Hulk - and even though I don’t have DID or personal experience with it beyond extensive research, they alienated me. 

Bruce has, over a course of many movies, taken many courses of action to try to mitigate the damages done by the Hulk, to try to eliminate the Hulk, to try to find a peace in himself substantial enough to control the Hulk. But he has, as mentioned above, never been diagnosed or treated for mental illness. While one viable course of treatment for DID is a therapy designed to “merge” a person’s identities, this is work that takes months if not years, an experienced and licensed professional, and a support system. Isolated Bruce Banner, whose friends have been snapped away, deciding “I’ll combine brains with brawn” wipes away all the work he’s already done. All the representation. Effortlessly, he overcomes every struggle he’s been faced with in the last fifteen-or-so years, with no mention of work or difficulty, much less it being shown onscreen. 

So... yeah. One of my big problems with Endgame was disability erasure. Bruce Banner has a disability. His mental illness, DID, his alter identity - the Hulk - disrupts his daily life and requires him to make changes and live differently than the people around him. This is excellently and thoughtfully portrayed in the films up until IW, and then completely trashed in Endgame. I say this because as of Endgame, Bruce Banner is no longer disabled. He no longer has DID, because he no longer has the Hulk as an alternate identity. It’s disability erasure because we didn’t see him work toward that “recovery.” 

TLDR: IW and Endgame use Bruce and Hulk as a joke and do not make any effort to portray the effects of DID or trauma on a person in the way the previous films have. 

Thank you for coming to my TED talk 

[scripttorture]

Hello, I recently found this blog so I'm not sure if you already answered this. But I wanted to ask about what would it be like if the torturer was mainly only hurting the victim for fun/just because? Would the victims reactions be similar as torture victims of say torture for questioning, or would it be different? If the torturer was already psychopathic enough to already be torturing a person for fun, would giving torture affect them psychologically as it does for "regular" torturers?

Welcome. :) And don’t worry about whether a question has already been asked. I don’t mind going over things again.

 Central to this question is the legal definition of torture.

 Legally torture is distinct from abuse, not because of what’s done or who it’s done to but because of who carries it out. According to international law (with some variation between countries) torture is when a government official or a member of a group powerful enough to control territory causes their victim pain for one of the following reasons:

Obtaining information

Forcing a confession

Punishment, of the victim or others

Intimidation, of the victim or others

 I tend to summarise this to a scenario where a police officer beats someone in two different places: if they do it at work it’s torture, if they do it off duty it’s assault.

 But the motivation is important to the legal definition and the understanding of what ‘counts’ as torture.

 What you’re talking about is not legally torture.

 Obviously I cover a lot of stuff on the blog that wouldn’t meet that strict legal definition. But I think it is important going in to your question to understand the difference. Because I answer these questions based on what I’ve read about legally defined torture; if the scenario is sufficiently different then you should be aware of the differences and that the evidence I’m drawing on might not be the best fit for what you’re writing.

 So torture isn’t for ‘fun’. You do get torturers who- I’m not quite sure what the correct psychological terminology would be. They sometimes put a lot of their self worth and identity into the fact they cause other people pain. They characterise themselves as ‘strong’ individuals and reinforce this by hurting and humiliating their victims proving the victim’s ‘weakness’.

 This is part of what Rejali calls the ‘hypermasculine subculture’ torturers tend to develop.

 But they don’t report finding this ‘fun’ exactly. (I’m basing this on what torturers say and that’s not always trustworthy, but I think we have to consider them the most reliable sources for what the hell they were thinking.)

 And they say that this is stressful. Because torture is- competitive. By that I mean that torturers don’t function alone. They work in groups and they treat each other as direct competition. They egg each other on. They feel that they ‘have’ to keep being more and more brutal or they’ll be showing weakness to the group.

 They do also, sometimes, report a sense of satisfaction. But this seems to be outweighed by the incredible stress they’re under from their own side and the inevitable mental health problems they develop.

 It’s also worth stressing that the organisations torturers are usually part of actively try to screen out people with mental health problems and anyone who shows enjoyment in violence. They consider these people harder to control.

 I really can’t stress this bit enough: the evidence strongly suggests that torturers are mentally healthy before they start torturing. Their mental illnesses are the result of being exposed to violent, traumatic events repeatedly.

 The structure of their brain does not care one whit whether the violence they’re witnessing is inflicted by them or someone else. It responds the same way and leads to the same symptoms of trauma.

 The second question is easier.

 Nothing I’ve seen has suggested that the torturer’s motivations effect victims in the slightest. Victim’s don’t care if the torturer is shouting questions, laughing or doing a jig.

 It’s the traumatic nature of violence that effects victims. Not the torturers’ beliefs or drives.

 A lot of torturers claim that they personally make a big difference or that they can control victims and change them in a predictable way. But the evidence says they’re lying or deluding themselves.

 Which leaves the last question.

 I’ve been asked this before and there isn’t any evidence.

 I don’t mean there isn’t any evidence for/against, I mean I literally can’t find a single case that matches this popular fictional portrayal.

 I’m personally dubious about the term ‘psychopathic’. I’m not convinced it’s a consistent description of a real condition.

 But for the sake of the argument, let’s assume it is and that it lines up with the popular understanding of the term.

 These are exactly the kinds of people organisations work hard to screen out. They’re the people who are not allowed to be in a position to torture.

 If they were somehow to slip through- Torturers create a really toxic working environment. Organisations that harbour them end up with a work culture that encourages bullying, competition rather than teamwork and discourages hard work.

 They tend to target people perceived as different for abuse, as well as people who disagree with them. And I think neurodivergence definitely counts as the kind of difference that would have other torturers turning on the character.

 And the assumption that neurodivergence and mental illness is the ‘reason’ for a character to be abusive- well that assumption that people who are different are also dangerous feeds a lot of violence and discrimination against the mentally ill.

 But even discounting all of that- the responses we have to trauma and to other people’s pain are wired deep.

 I’m not an expert in pain or the human nervous system so I can’t tell you how deep. But the impression I get is that these mechanisms have old evolutionary roots. They have been part of the biology of vertebrates for a very long time.

 I sometimes get asked questions about sci fi aliens or non-human intelligent beings in fantasy stories and how they would respond to torture (witnessing it, doing it or enduring it). I think the answer I tend to give there is relevant here:

 Does the character behave in a way that is basically understandable as human? If the answer is ‘yes’, then I think you should write them responding to torture like a human being.

 If the answer is ‘no’ then I’d ask you to consider whether they’re actually acting sufficiently differently to sound like a different species rather then a human with a health condition or a human from another culture.

 What I’m driving at here is- Does the character read like a Siamese Fighting Fish with the capacity for speech? Do they have behaviours that are just not typical of mammals and underline a lot of their basic personality and approach to things?

 For me to accept that a character might respond to torture in a way that’s different to the human norm they need to be convincingly non-human. Not like Tolkien elves or orcs. Not like alien species in Trek or Stargate.

 Really, truly, alien.

 A character in a magical story who genuinely can’t comprehend how you might need your major organs to survive and might be in pain without them- I’d say ‘OK that’s sufficiently different that I can’t predict it based on the evidence. Fill your boots.’

 But a character who is just a jerk? Who just ‘likes’ being mean? That’s still a human being.

 Treating them differently doesn’t do the real human beings who’ve been through similar things any favours.

 And yes the real human beings who torture people are scumbags. But suggesting they’re unaffected by torture just feeds in to the problem. It feeds this myth that torturers are ‘strong’ and ‘tough’ and superhumanly resilient to the effects of what they do. It feeds the lie that they’re super human.

 Help me out here. Cut them down to size.

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