#it's fine i'm fine everything is fine :)

[hudders-and-hiddles]

Then I will adopt him as my own.

This is the way.

[draco-abraxas]

Do you ever spend too much time thinking about how, no matter what career we give him, Harry Potter would have absolutely insane back muscles and Draco would be obsessed with that?

Yeah.

Me either.

[heich0e]

another saturday spent in my office.... i should be at the club......

[ourceliumnetwork]

Personal vent post:

this isn't even about my health issues because SOMEHOW, every time, my communication issues with my one partner overshadow my own personal bullshit to the point of obscuring it entirely.

it would be a lot easier to work through the compulsion to explain in excruciating detail to the best of my ability exactly what i'm doing and exactly why and how i got there if talking to them about ANYTHING and bringing ANYTHING up didn't lead to them jumping to the worst possible option even when there is no indication that was even a POSSIBILITY open to interpreting.

like. i do not feel comfortable telling them when i'm having health problems come up because if i do it ahead of time they jump to the conclusion that i'm going to fall to pieces on my own and that nothing will be done about it and that i'm just going to crumble and i do not know without shoving it in their face that i am actually really well supported and cared for up here, and i'm not alone and without connections - and truly i never have been it's just whether or not the connections i had were reliable or easy to access like.

Like i get it i was there i was alone and didn't have anyone and worried that any bad thing that happened to my people far away that i learned about was a bigger catastrophe than they were telling me. But after MULTIPLE times of being told that no that's not what was happening - or even just idk like *waiting* for more information??? i got over it so long as the wording isn't too ominous.

if it's important it will get back to me, and even if it's not important i'm probably gonna learn about it at some point. And i just want them to get to that point with me too - we've been chatting regularly for years now, and i've brought stuff up previously, we had the whole debacle of confusion, and i really thought i'd been clear and i know, i know that they have things to work on on their own but like.

if i don't give enough information they panic and assume something REALLY bad is going on when i'm just like. giving them a heads up about what i'm doing because i don't want them to worry. If i give too much information it's an attack and they assume they've done something wrong so i then have to turn around and comfort them and hold their hand through telling them that it's not even a little about them but in a nice way.

and god forbid i actually have something that concerns me i'd like to bring up because if i don't explain EXACTLY what i mean covering as many unlikely conclusions to be leapt to as possible, they're just going to start beating themself up for being the worst person in the world and i don't know that i can DO that right now.

Especially with everything else that's just come up like.

i'm glad i've made the decision not to allude to the current health concern when talking to them because like. i've barely processed that and they will be of NO HELP in comforting me through this process, and like i understand it's scary to hear especially if you care about me, but like. i understand that because I'm currently the one experiencing it thank you very much. I do not want to have to coddle and hold someone else's hand when i'm barely processing that it's a thing i finally brought up with the doctor at all.

like.

that's a surefire way to learn you don't get to learn any more about my health concerns, is either making yourself the one who needs to be cared for about it, or dismissing things and like. no they don't dismiss my health concerns but they also don't read the messages I send.

....i think that's what bothers me. They are receiving the messages they are skimming them, making interpretations and connections that aren't there, and then reacting to that. They're not even reading between the lines they're reading between lines i didn't fucking write. And it's exhausting! I.... I want to be there for them while they work on this and figure it out because i know they are working on it. but god i don't think i can. i have doctor appointments to schedule and get to. I've got a surgery scheduled. This isn't. like.

i don't have time to walk you through healing and becoming yourself, i barely have the time and energy to work through my own and i'm helping you because i love you but for fucks sake you're making this fucking difficult.

....and it's not a good sign i wish they'd remembered they'd broken up with me so i wouldn't have to go through all this. i'm STILL reeling from that revelation frankly and i'm very concerned they're expecting me to be cool with progressing the relationship back to a point we hadn't been at in almost a year in just a few months after SIX MONTHS of me thinking we were just friends again. L I K E. what.

how is my life this. how is this the thing that overtakes my day when i just found out my tits might be sick like. are you serious. i was just warning you that a flare up/crash was coming because i've been pushing myself too hard and sometimes that makes me tired and incommunicative and i didn't want to drop off the face of the planet because i CARE ABOUT YOU STUPID.

i just. i want to be so mean. i want to be mean and cruel and nasty about this because like. bitch. how can i ever think of leaning on you for support if every time i do you make me pick you back up and walk you through the whole thing *please* do your own hard work please please PLEASE.

like.

and i know they are i know they're working on their own things and stuff and i get it, i get that they haven't had as much time to consider their healing and such and GOD i hope i wasn't this difficult to talk to back in the day but if i was i am so fucking sorry for putting anyone through this holy FUCK.

but like i've just learned it's entirely possible i could end up with a state-sanctioned top surgery, and like. I can't talk to one of my partners about it because doing so has the very high likelihood of me having to support and comfort them through it and frankly right now, that should be *me*.

like the warning i gave them was BEFORE the dr visit - i was just warning them about a normal and pretty foreseeable flare-up that i go through every time i overdo some shit because i forget i'm disabled like that just happens and it happens pretty regularly but i didn't warn them about previous ones because the worst ones i've had in recent history happened over the summer when i was under the impression we were not dating. like are you KIDDING me. this is just normal shit i'm sorry you're not a part of it normally i'm sorry i dno't keep up with you as best as i could i know the long distance is a two way street but like.

c'mon man. please. please just. be a safer place dammit. people i just met 3 months ago are being better about offering me comfort and shit in these tryingtimes and i haven't even explained what's going on to them yet. we've known each other for 11 years now you NEED to get on the program or I'm going to need to let you heal by yourself until we're both different people and we can maybe try again like GOD.

...anyway i'm not like. actively dying everything is fine i'm okay. it's scary and unknown but it's also been a thing for 15+ years and at this point like if it was gonna kill me dead i'd be long gone. i'm just Scared and Overwhelmed with the implications and also scheduled a whole surgery (unrelated, but important) so like. it's Fine and everything is going to be Fine whatever the outcome is, because worst case scenario the email that will blow my tits clean off will come in and like as a trans person who would enjoy the ability to have removable tits i'm not *mad* about that option it's just. on a bit of a quicker time scale than i was anticipating.

also the catholic hospital system says i don't need any other reasons to get my tubes out so like i'm not gonna be mad about my dr visit today

just a little scared. which i feel is super fine and normal and actually i'm probably underselling it a little. which is okay! because i'm okay! i'm not dying i'm just. got more health shit.

[weakinthekneez]

having a MASSIVE crush on a cis man as a trans guy is not for the weak

[coffeebanana]

moving is truly full of all sorts of fun adventures like "YAY my new dresser came" followed by "FUCK where did i put the screwdriver?"

this is still infinitely better than last week's saga of "FUCK YOU IKEA I WANTED MY APPLIANCES NOW NOT IN TWO WEEKS"

[skostsyy]

.

[andaniellight]

sobbing crying while writing 'character study' tag ONCE AGAIN on a wip because i did not expect to get attached to the this new piece of media so soon and so solidly

[jkvjimin]

one time for the present, two time for the past ♪

JIMIN, TAEHYUNG & JUNGKOOK

[egophiliac]

my neverending quest to draw one single Idia that I don't immediately hate

[thatfanfictionchick]

It's November and despite telling myself I wouldn't I really want Floyd's birthday card but the dragon bois are coming and New Years is almost here and it's Ruggie's turn but then Cater's birthday is February and I don't know when the Sunset Savanna event will drop and not to tap my inner drama queen too hard but I will literally die if I don't get Leona's Kingly Garb card and

Reminder for my fellow gacha playing peeps that unless you can afford to whale for this game every month to get every card you should definitely find out your faves birthday so you can prepare ahead of time 🎂

[saltpepperbeard]

"You made me forget myself. I thought I was someone else, someone good."

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[nekrosmos]

Morning Price ☕​

Had to censor it slightly, uncensored picture here and here !

[dream--interrupted]

eepy king

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 3: Enveloping Feelings.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 4)