#it's definitely to a manageable level at least. in terms of pain.

[sakumz]

Can I order a doughnut and caramel macchiato to dine in with Hoshina please?

a/n : bro Tumblr idk MY tumblr deleted half of this fic like 3 times 😭😭 while writing it why is it eating the words..

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[ h. soshiro x reader]

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" grow taller and maybe I'll date you, " you pat the smaller hoshina as he fumes red, the singular rose drops in the process and he exits in a hurry. soichiro laughs at his younger brother's antics.

the l/n and hoshina bloodline has always been close. fighting side by side, taking down kaijus together. eventually your father introduced his only child to them, hoping for the long term relationship to continue.

both heads of the family watch with glee as soshiro confess his love after a small sparring session with you. you were two years older than him, if you were to marry into the family, soichiro would've been an option being the next head and all.

you pick up the fallen rose, glaring at the older hoshina as he continues to laugh with tears pricking his eyes at his younger brother.

" quit laughing, stupid. " you slap his arm hard and he lets out a girlish scream from the pain, instantly shutting up when he realised your father and his were still in room. they only watch quietly and whisper a bet between the three. who would you fall for?

well that was a funny story and a memory you'd definitely laugh your butt off when you remember the first confession you receive. everything did change slowly, you rarely interacted with the brothers during your teenage years. soshiro was a first year in high school and you were in your third, busying yourself with joining the kaiju defence force.

you managed to grow with experience, earning a good name for yourself in the force. you eventually choose to back away from eliminating kaijus in the front line, witnessing so many bloodshed and lost of your comrades when you were captain. the JAKDF wasn't gonna let you go that easy. you were a promising fighter with your strength and expertise, you could still lead and nurture any new talents. so even if you were gone in the front lines, there's still the back. where you assist and guide the team to eliminate kaijus and ensure their safety.

" hey vice captain, you might wanna turn around, " your voice comes out seductive to most, having to hear it from the earpiece, they each wore.

hoshina turns around anyways, quickly cutting the kaiju that ran towards him in two.

" y/n? " he calls but you ignore, scanning over quickly to see if there were any more kaijus.

" cutie with the silver locks, you should shoot your foot with those cryo bullets to stabilise yourself, if you wanna shoot bigger, " you played with the pen on your hand as okonogi sniffles back a laugh, stealing the paper you wrote.

" you wrote a lot of battle moves for the troops, it's amazing only seeing them first hand today! " one comment.

" woah even vice captain hoshina is in the list, a clean cut to the core if he moves faster by just doing one leap? " another comment, you snatched the paper back, crumbling and aiming at the trash bin perfectly.

" it's just useless critics, " you laugh off.

" ya know, we can still hear ya. " hoshina huffs as the operational room laughs, they laugh harder when you turn rosy.

" and what do you mean one leap? that kaiju was huge! "

" it's not even taller than a level two building, are you saying you're still short? " you retort back.

" what?! if it's that easy you should try, ex captain. "

" you don't really have to accurately jump at its core, just one leap to at least half its body is enough to save time, short king. " you grumble under your breath, exiting the room as okonogi wraps up the mission.

the ride back was silent, you bump into the group at the halls not sparing a glance at them.

" y/n? " hoshina calls, mina pats his shoulder.

" she wanted to surprise you, " mina smiles, hoshina could only stare in horror.

" vice captain, you should join us in the showers, " of course he did.

the boys gather around him close, trying to get at least an information or two about you.

" woah that's a nasty small cut on your arm, " one points out as he smiles at the memory.

that was during the first sparring session you had with him, accidentally cutting him with the sword. it was his fault for asking them to change the wooden ones with real steel. you quickly threw your blade away, squatting to his level to inspect his wound as the fellow maids rushed around, tending to him.

" was it a kaiju that gave it to you? " another asked as hoshina laughs.

" yeah a very horrible kaiju who couldn't wield a sword properly, " the atmosphere shifts awkwardly, not knowing if they should laugh at the joke even if they were supposed to, it wasn't funny.

" who is this y/n? " reno questions, earning a few whispers here and there.

" is it true, she wore a numbers suit? " haruichi shoots another question.

" were you dating her or something? " another asked, he glares at them.

" y/n was once the captain of the sixth division, my older brother took it from her after a year because she couldn't stand watchin her comrades fall in real time. she wore the number sixth suit that's why she was willing to give cryo bullets tips to her fellow users. she only wore the suit for a month and I'm not datin her! " he scolds.

" thoughts on the short king comment? "

" shut up! "

" what happened to them? " you catch hold of reno fanning his fallen soldiers on the floor.

you poke one of the half naked dudes on the chest, they sit up halfway, letting the towel on their face drop, catching your finger in his.

" stop that, " you flush as you realise it was hoshina soshiro, pouting as you recall the earlier interaction. most of the dudes by now were silently watching the exchange on the floor.

" you boys are disgusting, half naked on the ground, eavesdropping? " you pick up the small towel on the dude next to hoshina, revealing haruichi as he shoots you a wolfish grin.

" why were you fools spending an hour gossiping in the toilet no less, put on some clothes or you'll catch a cold! " throwing the towel that fell off hoshina's face back to his face as you run out of the room.

the boys exchange looks to one another, smiling sweetly at their vice captain.

" if you're not gonna date her, can we- " he takes the towel covering his face earlier and throws it at them hard.

" she's mine. "

" she's mine, " someone points at you as you grip their finger hard.

" I'm not interested in becoming yours, idiot. " hoshina who happens to walk by stops beside you, glaring at the boys.

" it's past your bed time, do you need me to tuck you back to bed? " they laugh awkwardly, running away.

you turn to look at hoshina, his face unreadable, he takes your wrist like it's second nature. pulling you along with him to the roof. you sit on the bench as he stands in front of you, taking one last look, was he able to make you advert your gaze quickly, covering your face with your hands. thanks to the moonlight you were able to catch him clad in that stupid compression shirt that pressed nicely over each muscle.

" like what ya see? " he smiles, pulling your hand away from your face, he kneels to take a look at your red face.

" s-stop that! " you flick his forehead, laughing at your shyness.

" hey, remember that time you said if I grew taller, you'll date me? I've certainly grown taller than you, " he smiles oh so cheekily like he always did when he was younger.

" I meant it as a joke. "

" well, ya should've said it last time, I took it seriously and- "

" then you're stupid and why do you still want to date me? "

" you're the girl I've always loved, " he takes your hand.

" even if you fear the lives of your loved one being taken away by a kaiju, I won't let one take me out under your watch. " violet hues stare right back at you, at his devotion, his promise to you.

you dont even realise the tears falling from your eyes. watching so many of your comrades fall one by one under your watch. you were supposed to ensure everyone's safety, wearing that number's suit, should've proved you really can ensure a no death mission. you knew it was impossible, that someone will eventually die. this wasn't an easy job after all. you hated yourself for being so weak despite wearing one of the strongest suit- he was the king of the kaijus. maybe the worst part of it all was your comrades dying in the frost you love so much. you couldn't move them away and the targeted kaiju was already in front you, with one frosty blow you freeze the area, taking the kaiju out. hoshina pulls you in a hug, squeezing you tight as your mind wanders back to the present.

" I saw the report, it wasn't your fault. even if it stirred some unease tension within the other captains and vice you didn't intentionally hurt anyone. they're just jealous you climbed the ranks quickly and was able to wear a suit no one could wear over the last decade. " you sniffle back your crying, his words touching your heart, making you flutter and light.

" you can start saving your comrades in the third division, with your eyes and strategic thinking. heck you can even train them if you're not drowning in paperwork, " he laughs, pulling away from the hug as you finally calmed down.

" soshiro, thank you, " you ruffle his hair.

silence befalls you both, just staring into each other. he certainly grew. he's more mature even if he pulls the legs of others from time to time. it was moments like this, that made your heart flutter so hard.

" I love you, y/n. always have, " he says breaking eye contact as he looks away.

" I love you too, " you place a hand on his cheek. he stiffens upon hearing your words. the words he longs to hear. you lean in close, sealing his lips with a kiss.

your dating relationship with soshiro wasn't so secretive. everyone caught on quickly that their beloved vice captain and you were a thing, they noticed how gentle he got when speaking to you or the way he touched his earpiece to hear your voice even closer. soichiro obviously laughs his butt off when the news reached him. he never made an effort to make you his, he's happy his brother finally got the love his younger self always yearned for.

-----

bakery event | orders

[hyacinthleaves]

Istg you're carrying the project eden's garden x reader tag on your back 😭😭.

Could I request Damon, Wolfgang & Mark with a blackened reader and what their reaction would be when they discover it was them in the trial?? (For the sake of this imagine Wolfgang is alive...)

PD: what if the motive was that if the blackened got away they could choose another student to leave with? (Reader would obviously want to leave with the character)

DAMON FANS WHAT IS HAPPENING

Damon Maitsu:

I already talked about Damon's s/o as the blackened but with that motive?

He's actually going to lose his shit

He cares so much about you and he had a sneaking suspicion that one of you were going to die by the end of the game (though he didn't want to believe it) but he had no clue that it was going to be for that reason

Really, with his mixed emotions in that moment, he wants to call you a dumbass

But he loves you so much because you went to those lengths to try and make sure the two of you come out alive

So for a bit he says nothing because he's genuinely buffering, but you can see it in his eyes (through his tears), he's extremely grateful even though you did do that

It pains him to say that you're the killer but he'll honestly try to be as slow as possible just so he can have a few more moments with you (and he's beating himself up for it because he knows what's going to happen anyway)

He'll watch your execution and just think that this was entirely preventable if he never got close to you in the first place

...wait

Hear me out. What if you just told him in advance

I really think that if you manage to make Damon reach a level of selfishness and hate for others, you can convince him to keep his mouth shut for a pretty long time

Like really if you let him sit in the fact that he never wanted to be there, everyone hates him, he hates everyone, and there's a way out if he just shuts up, I think it's possible

Out of all 3 characters listed, I genuinely feel like he's the most likely to shut up and actually help you get away with it if there's enough preparation

Food for thought, I don't know

It'll make it so much worse when/if you get executed though because he actively played a hand in your death. His mental health will quickly go downhill from there

Wolfgang Akire:

He's SO conflicted, poor guy

And I'm sorry to say this, but he would flat out tell you that he never wanted you to do that

It hurts him to say it too but he's generally pretty selfless (or at least in front of others, he does care about how he presents himself) and he wants to keep that up, whether he actually believes it or not

It's not like his love for you isn't strong, but he's also a lawyer. YOU should've seen that coming

He'll still be upset for sure but in a moment of high stress, it'll definitely look like he turned his back on you, even though he's just trying to solve the case

And I don't think it would've changed even hm if he thought that you might've done it from the start

I don't think he would want everyone else to die for the sake of you two, it just wouldn't have worked long term either

He's pissed but so sad because he knows how much you care about him but you knew damn well he doesn't like what you did

This would be disastrous because he's crying out of frustration and it looks like he's so pissed. It literally looks like you two are breaking up, because he's mad at you because you killed someone and now you're about to die. There's so much shit happening I don't even think anyone would want to talk anymore

Mark Berskii:

(if the motive was public) As soon as that motive dropped, he knew something was going to happen

I feel like he considered it for a moment but he thought that it wouldn't be right to do anything so he didn't

He also wondered if you would kill someone for the both of you, but it wasn't something he was taking seriously. It still stayed in the back of his mind though

This bit of anxiety caused him to keep an eye on you a lot more than he usually does

If he thinks you're acting suspiciously, he'll be extremely nervous but he won't say a word. He doesn't want to know. If it's you, he doesn't want that thought plaguing his mind at a time like this

Even if you did do it, he wouldn't want you looking suspicious during the investigation. He'll stick to you and just tell you to act normal if you aren't already

If you don't have an alibi during the time of the murder, he might just make something up. He becomes EXTREMELY protective. He doesn't want anything happening to you

He might crash out before you do just because he doesn't even want anyone thinking of you in that manner

It would look very sudden compared to his general silence from before

He doesn't care if you did or didn't do it anymore, he refuses to lose you. It almost looks like he has more to lose than you do, and you're the one that might die

He's gonna become Damon levels of pissy after the trial. If people even look at him for too long he'll get mad

It'll take him a bit to calm down and I don't think anyone will really try to bother him, for obvious reasons

[thezombieprostitute]

Tech Tuesday: Walter Marshall

Summary: Your work friend oversteps in his attempts to help you.

Warnings: Size discrimination. Please let me know if I missed any!

A/N: Reader is short, female. No other physical descriptors used.

A/N2: This chapter is written for @the-slumberparty's December Daze Challenge. Prompt: extreme weather leads to forced proximity

Previous

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Your mom practically threw a fit when you told her you'd be visiting Christmas Day and not spending the night beforehand. She said it was bad enough you hadn't shown up on Thanksgiving but to miss out on Christmas Eve family time, even though you had no say in your work schedule, was the biggest personal insult to her. You're glad she couldn't see you roll your eyes over the phone. She really never understood how draining it could be. The human mind craves stimulation and working security at an empty building does not provide! You know, from experience, that you're going to be drained on so many levels that driving out to her place would likely result in you driving into a ditch.

But, of course there's just no pleasing some people. At least Dad understood and he promised he'd talk to her. You made sure to thank him and promised to bring an extra box of donuts in the morning. If the weather held.

The tedium of the job did nothing for your growing anxiety over the weather reports. Being able to look outside only made it worse. You could barely see the parking lot through the snowfall and the winds are only supposed to get worse. Your height added another dimension of difficulty with the whole thing. You weren't looking forward to having to dig your way through the snow to get to your car.

During one of your breaks you mentioned this to Walter who offered to wait to leave with you. You raise an eyebrow at the insinuation and he's quick to add, "two bodies are likely to have an easier time of it than one."

"That's fair," you sigh. "But don't you have places to be?"

"No," he shakes his head. "Faye is at her mother's. It's one of the reasons I volunteered to come into work today at all."

"One of?"

"Jake and his little family are another 4 reasons," he chuckles. "I swear that bastard has a photo of his twins' sad puppy dog eyes just to remind us of what happens if he can't be with them for the important holidays." You laugh at the absolutely believable idea. "Still, I can't say I blame him," Walter says thoughtfully. "Maybe it's something I should've done for Faye."

"Hey, I can't even imagine the pain of being divorced let alone divorced with a kid, but I'm pretty sure missing one holiday evening or two wouldn't have saved things." He nods. "Now if you weren't such a grump all the time, maybe that would've fixed things, but would you still be you if you weren't constantly upset about things?"

He gives you playful glare that makes you smirk. "I'm not that grumpy."

"Yes, you are," you playfully jab back. "And I'm on good terms with the G's so I should know."

He huffs, "I suppose you do interact with more people than I do."

"Yup. So I'm definitely more of an expert on who's a grump and who isn't."

"I will respect your professional opinion then and, admit, I can be grumpy."

"Thank you."

Just then the power flickers and you both look at each other before running back to your respective departments. Walter needs to make sure the servers are still going and you need to check the emergency warnings for the area. If there are power outages, people need to go home as best they're able.

Back at the IT department Pine, Rose, Random and the Double G's are all moving. Walter ignores them all to get to the server room. He breathes a sigh of relief that the safeties put in place are still working. He does a quick triple check of everything before reporting to Pine.

Pine nods, relieved at the news. "I've received an update from the facilities manager that, for our safety, we should all go home. CEO Levinson has approved. You will all still receive full day's pay plus the holiday extra, as agreed upon. Please travel as safely as you are able!"

Everyone goes to close out their workstations and head home but Walter waits for you in the security area. You come out from the security office with the other two people working with you today.

"Bob, you take floors 1 through 3. I got 4 through 6. Terry you take 7 and 8."

"Why do I get the top two floors? That's a lot of stairs."

"Because you're the fastest at climbing, now move," you order. Terry grumbles but complies.

"What's going on?" Walter asks you before you can get to the stairs.

"Standard security stuff," you answer. "We're going to do a floor-by-floor sweep, making sure people know they need to go home and looking for any stragglers."

"Is it ok for me to wait here until you're done?"

"You should just go home. We're gonna have to do this at least twice."

"I promised to leave with you and I will keep it."

You give him a smile, "you're gonna regret that."

He just smiles back and you set to on your sweep.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

It takes you longer than Walter expected but he remains steadfast in his desire to wait for you. He keeps looking at his phone to track the weather, silently cursing everyone who wished for a white Christmas. It was gonna be a rough drive, even with his truck. He has even less faith in your VW Bug.

"Hey, big guy? You there?" Your questions cuts through his thoughts.

He steadies himself for what he knows he has to ask. "Would you be willing to let me drive you home?"

You raise an eyebrow, "first you doubt my ability to walk through snow and now you think I can't drive through it?"

"I trust you," Walter argues. "It's your car I don't trust. My truck is much safer."

Seeing his sincerity helps you calm down. "Problem is, I gotta get going first thing in the morning for family Christmas. I need my car for that."

"I'll drive back to give you a ride so you can pick up your car."

You scoff. "You'll be on the road all night. You live well outside the city lines."

He drops his head, "I just...I know that car isn't safe."

"Tell you what, you can spend the night at my place." He lifts his face at that. "We're both adults and we're friends," you continue. "You will have to sleep on the floor, though."

"I...I don't... Are you..."

"Listen, I'll agree by little bug isn't likely to get me far, at least not as far as your truck. But my place is much closer. You can stay the night and drop me off here to get my bug before you go home, ok? And yes, I have enough food for the both of us, even someone with a stomach your size."

"You make a persuasive argument," he nods.

"Damn right. Now bundle up, we've got a ton of snow to dig through."

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

By the time you get to your studio apartment your beyond grateful Walter insisted on driving you home. Even the truck felt a little wobbly in the wind. Walter's knuckles were white from how tightly he was holding the steering wheel.

"You go sit on the couch and I'll whip us up some food."

Walter is too tired from the drive to argue. He's beyond grateful that you insisted he stay the night. Driving out to his house in this would be too much. As he sits on the couch, he's just happy he can sit still and calm down.

I'm the kitchen you're practically a blur with how quick you're putting things together. Sitting in the truck, unable to help, scared to talk, left you agitated. Thankfully cooking up some good food is a helpful way to let you calm down.

You're not too worried by the power flickers in the apartment. You've got a gas stove and enough blankets to keep you warm. You pause for a moment as the thought of sharing those blankets with Walter. You bet he'd be and to keep you very nice and warm. You shake your head to clear it of those thoughts. Now is not the time.

Walter has significantly calmed by now and is looking around. The two of you have hung out several times but never at your place. You've complained it's too small for the both of and he kinda has to agree. The place is tiny, about the size of his bedroom, but you've definitely made good use of the space. How else could you get both a bed and a couch to fit?

Wait, he thinks. Where's the bed? That's when it hits him, the couch, that's obviously not a pullout, is the bed. As he thinks about helping you get a proper bed his thoughts turn to being with you in that bed. He has to stop himself quick. It's not the first time his thoughts have turned that way but you've never given him any indication you're interested in a physical or romantic relationship with him. He shakes his head to try to get his brain back under control.

"Hope you don't mind brinner," you say, suddenly feeling shy as you hand Walter his food.

"Brinner?" he questions before looking at the bowl. It's a simple breakfast hash of scrambled eggs, slices sausage links, and tater tots, all covered with a light later of gravy and cheese. He smiles, "it looks damn delicious."

You smirk back at him, "well then get to eating!"

You playfully smack his arm before sitting down next to him. Unfortunately the couch, unused to the weight, starts to dip, gently pushing the two of you together. The two of you stay together like that, neither wanting to break the contact, neither wanting to be the first to speak up.

"Um...did any of your food spill?" you ask, hoping for an easy way out.

"No. Yours?"

"No."

A few more beats of silence.

"Ok," you say, deciding to take charge. "You and I are going to have a talk about what's going on here after we've gotten far enough apart we can look at each other and we've eaten. Can't have serious relationship discussions on an empty stomach."

"Of course," Walter sighs, relieved.

Both of you know you're in for a long night.

Next

Tech Tuesdays Masterlist

Tagging: @alicedopey; @changenameno; @delicatebarness; @ellethespaceunicorn; @icefrozendeadlyqueen;

@jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory; @kingliam2019; @late-to-the-party-81; @lokislady82; @ronearoundblindly

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #45 (part four)

previous // next // story index

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Yuri

Being left alone in a room with my father was not an experience I expected to be pleasant.

I was grateful to him for coming to the hospital, but that didn’t naturally lead to me feeling eager to socialize with him. I wasn’t in the mood for small talk and my anxiety level was so high that I was certain I’d crack with the least provocation, not to mention that my pain was at about six on a scale of one to ten. It was not the worst I’ve ever had, but it was enough to make me very uncomfortable, and more than enough to make me disinclined to be tolerant of my father’s typical attitude toward me. 

I tried to recall the last time Papa and I had been together without anyone else around, and I realized that it was the day I announced that I was moving out of my parents house. 

I’d just turned twenty-one, and Victor and I had known each other for about a year. We were in a relationship by then, albeit a long-distance one, and we knew unquestionably that we loved each other and wanted to be together. We talked multiple times every day, either by text, phone or video call, but it was challenging for me because I could only talk in my bedroom or bathroom, or when I wasn’t actually at the house. There was no such thing as sitting in the music room or the garden to have a casual FaceTime chat if I wanted it to be between only Victor and me.

Living at home made it practically impossible to have any privacy. Even if I was alone in my room, that didn’t stop my family and our busybody housekeeper from actively trying to find out everything. I craved independence and the freedom to live my own life without having every word and action scrutinized by somebody who thought they knew my wants and needs better than I did. 

My father, who was already unhappy with my career choice, my friend group, and the fact that I had a foreign boyfriend, seemed genuinely offended when I told him I wanted to move into my own place. Papa blamed it on Victor, saying that he must’ve talked me into it somehow and that he couldn’t possibly understand what a struggle it’d be for me to live by myself.  Papa went on a rant about how I was too ill and fragile to manage on my own, and how Victor was irresponsible and careless for encouraging me to leave home. Needless to say, it did absolutely no good to point out to him that it was my own idea, not Victor’s. 

Although my relationship with Victor was one of the reasons why I wanted my own space, it wasn’t the only reason. I’d been working for FutureBright Communications for about six months by then. I was earning my own money, I’d bought my first car, and I’d taken over paying for my own mobile phone. I was really starting to feel like an adult, and I needed room to grow and experience adulthood. If I stayed at home, I’d just be held back. 

Our conversation that day had devolved into an argument, as my conversations with my father usually do. I think what it came down to in the end was that he was frustrated because he couldn’t control me or shape me into the kind of son he wanted. I was never going to be a healthy, energetic extrovert with a huge circle of influential associates. I wasn’t going to settle down with a rich socialite spouse and produce or adopt enough children to fill a minivan, and I definitely had no intention of becoming a businessman and taking over the family company some day.  I want something different, and I don’t think he’s ever been able to come to terms with that, just as he’s never been able to fully accept my introversion, my sexuality, or the reality of my chronic illness.  

In short, I’m a disappointment to him.  A long time ago, I came to understand that I would never be enough in his eyes, and that too was part of the reason why I wanted to leave. I couldn’t live in his shadow any more. I needed to take care of myself, to teach myself to believe that I was worthy and valuable, and that his success was not the benchmark by which I should be measuring my own.  

Since then, we haven’t had a lot of contact, and when we do it’s usually in the presence of my mother or other family members or friends. It’s no secret that we don’t get along, and I doubt it would’ve come as much of a surprise to anyone that our lack of communication was mainly to avoid conflicts that left both of us angry and upset, and often left me ill and exhausted as well. 

After Mr. Tanaka left the room, neither Papa nor I said anything. He stayed at his end of the long sofa, and I stayed at mine. I curled up in the corner and leaned my head against the sofa’s soft backrest. 

It occurred to me that if I’d been sitting like this on the sofa at home, I wouldn’t be there long because Victor would come along and ask me if I was okay. If I said no, the very next thing that would happen is that he’d ask me if I wanted him to hold me. It’d be a rare day when I wouldn’t say yes to that. Then, he’d cuddle me and we’d talk about whatever was on my mind, or if I just wasn’t feeling well, he’d let me rest against him and he’d rub my back with those long, firm, calming strokes that always seem to work like magic to relax me. 

I’d have given anything to be in Victor’s arms at that very moment. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for not coming to watch him in the competition.

This day could have unfolded differently if only I’d been brave enough to explain everything to Mr. Tanaka and tried to come up with a compromise. Victor and I might have been at home right now, enjoying the warmth of our fireplace and some green tea, and looking forward to the rest of the competition tomorrow and Sunday, but instead he was lying in a hospital bed, injured and alone and no doubt afraid. 

The minutes seemed to drag by, as I checked the time on my phone incessantly. The twenty minutes that passed between when Mr. Tanaka left and a nurse arrived might as well have been twenty hours to me.

The nurse was young, perhaps not much older than Victor and me, and she had a sympathetic expression on her face.  She told me that Victor had been moved into a room, and that I could see him if I liked.  

His condition was stable but still serious, she explained. She warned me that he was very disoriented and might not be able to talk, or that he might not make a lot of sense if he did. That worried me, but I wasn’t as concerned about it as I was about the actual severity of his injuries and whether or not he’d make a full recovery from them.

The nurse said that Dr. Sato would discuss the test results and Victor’s prognosis with me. The doctor knew where Victor’s room was. She’d find me there.

Just as I was about to follow the nurse out, Papa stirred from his place on the sofa. “Do you want me to come with you, Yuri?” 

I gazed at him. Did I want him to? Was I prepared to let him witness my reaction when I saw Victor?

Years ago, I vowed that I would never, ever let my father see me cry again. I was determined that, under no circumstances, would I ever let myself show any weakness in his presence. His opinion of me was low enough. The last thing he needed was more evidence of my inadequacy.

“No, thank you,” I said. “I’m glad you came when we needed you, but you don’t have to stay.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“You should check on Yuki,” I said. “I left her upstairs in the waiting area with Seiji and Takahiro. She was really upset. You should talk to her.”

His face registered mild alarm, as if he’d completely forgotten about Yuki. I wondered what he’d been thinking about to distract him so much that he had no clue as to where his ten year old daughter was or who she was with. 

“You left her,” he said, and it sounded accusatory. “With those… with Takahiro and Seiji?”

“You left her with Koichi,” I countered. “I don’t suppose you even checked with him to see what was going on.”

He had the grace to appear contrite as he admitted, “I didn’t.” And then he added, “But I trust Koichi to do what I ask him to do, and I was more concerned about you and Victor.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that statement. I wanted to believe him, and the fact that he came here straight away seemed to support it, but years of mistrust between us and his history of open dislike and disapproval of Victor made me wary.

“Go and see Yuki,” I said. “She needs you.”

“I’ll come and find you later,” he said.

I didn’t reply. I simply nodded to the nurse that I was ready, and then let her lead me through the doorway.

[goldenpinof]

yooo i totally get where youre coming from wrt feeling like the only person who gives a shit enough to critique these kinds of little things about dnp. it definitely shows that they don't really care for the details, which personally i don't mind w things like the websites (maybe that's just bc i don't have an eye for graphic design!) but when it comes to details that imo make a significantly lesser experience as a viewer and fan, it really can feel really unprofessional on their end.

it's interesting because, on one hand, that's a little bit their charm, sorta scrappy OG youtubers who haven't really changed their formula much but continue to create CoNtEnT because they have an established community who enjoys what they do. but then on the other hand, they often allow that attitude to seep into things like operating their business, overlooking details in editing, weirdness with just about all of the managements theyve been under, the general tone-deafness of cheerfully announcing there will be more us and uk shows and completely brushing over the call for them to at least MENTION the rest of the world that isn't europe or the us.... also i think so often about how garbage their bday livestreams were in terms of production, that would be so unacceptable from literally anyone other than dnp, but because it's them they get away with it lmao. (and yes ultimately those streams were for a good cause and they succeeded in the fundraising, but that can't be an excuse for low quality.)

their unprofessionalism is like a double-edged sword in a way, like i genuinely find them difficult to recommend to other people, not necessarily because i think my friends wouldn't like their sense of humor, but because there ARE creators out there who have similar origins and have done similar things and have improved quality production alongside their growth. and again, i do not necessarily mind scrappiness, but it feels like it's at odds with the amount of money they make and the type of productions they are trying to do with things like the tour. and that's the other thing, they are FULLY CAPABLE of having consistently good production quality to all of their shit, not just the big tours. they just choose not to, and whether or not that's for the sake of image or being control freaks or they really do not care, it ends up making a worse experience for their audience imo.

(but like. im also of the mindset that dan should have done stand-up shows in dingy bars for $10 instead of wad so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

"control freaks"

for the last 2 years i question this statement almost every day. because if they were control freaks, none of this bullshit with promo materials existed.

and it's not about design itself. it's about typos and just wrong names of the venues. my main question is: WHY is it so hard to make things right? because realistically, it's not hard at all.

especially when people are telling you and asking you to fix it. like, how fucking stubborn you should be to brush it off. your work is your public image. and i'm sorry, but it looks like shit. it's so unprofessional, it's painful to look at. and i'm not even talking about videos. i'm talking specifically about danandphiltour.com and promo materials. editing of their videos is a different problem.

production-wise: this time, i have to say that i don't really care. but i get what you mean. there are youtubers who invested in this. dnp didn't. because they don't care, because it works how it is right now.

in conclusion: our loyalty is at fault. if we cared about work details a little bit more and were more serious, maybe, just maybe, we could level up all these things. but it seems like no one cases, and i'm tired of fighting this battle for years. i'm gonna take the L eventually. but the tour got on the way, unfortunately.

[verittean]

putting this here for future reference bc i kinda talk about it a lot (or at least in my own head)

anyone else have like ... a hyperfixation intensity rating system ? like idk how to describe it exactly but i'm sure there must be some kind of name or something for it already but the way i describe them are like varying levels of 'flames' - there's like 5 levels on the scale , varying in different intensity ofc

so the way i have interests and stuff is like i never truly stop liking something once i get into it yknow ... ? but sometimes i just kinda have them shelved or i don't think about them much but i do still care about them ... this level is essentially 'level 1' i call 'ashes' where it's mostly been laid to rest , but i'll think about it from time to time on occasion yknow ... ?

level 2 is 'embers' where it's typically a more casual interest , i definitely think about it more than i do my ashes but it's not quite that intense ... like ill think about it quite a bit and i'll listen to discussion about it and whatnot but i don't really participate in it further than that really it's pretty casual is what i'm saying

level 3 is most ideal typically , being called 'campfire' - manageable , but definitely more intense than a simple flame ... you gotta watch it , but it's not exactly dangerous so long as you're careful ... plus campfires can be cosy so this is - to me - the most ideal intensity bc it's feeding my brain with a nice hyperfixation to latch onto but it's not too intense that it's all-consuming

level 4 is 'bonfire' which is more dangerous than the previous level , it can be still manageable but it can get a bit out of control and definitely takes over more of my mind , almost encompassing my every thought , i want to partake in that interest a great amount ... it can be nice , but it's definitely harder to manage

level 5 is 'wildfire' and that's where it gets completely out of control ... i've only really experienced this once or twice or at least that i can remember , and it was not a fun time ... i could not stop thinking about it whatsoever , if i had my attention taken away from it it became very mentally distressing and at one or two points actually physically painful and i'd cry , it was not fun at all

idrk what to do with this information besides just being like 'this is how i describe my feelings about my interests' i mean there's probably a term out there for it already or something akin to that nature but i don't know it so that's what i've been using in my brain

[xjulixred45x]

Kinda Second part of Suguru Geto x Disabled Reader bc i can't have enogh

Reason to do this: IM IN A BRAINROT BEFORE EXAMS START, SO LETS DO THIS

This is more a Drabble so is more short

Warnings: Reader IS DISABLED(But not specificated what type, just it dificilt their movility), neutral Reader, soft Geto, Kinda hypocrite Geto bc Reader is implied to be an Non-Sorcerer? Idk, canon Geto behavior.

First part HERE for context.

Just thinking about Geto and his adorable Disabled Spouse, who he absolutely and utterly ADORES. Geto loves his disabled S/o so much, regardless of the difficulties they had.

For this reason, he tries to make their life as comfortable as possible, anything that can make their life easier is an immediate Yes (prosthesis? check, wheelchair? check, analgesics for chronic pain? double check, crutches? check, emergency injections?CHECK) it's really not a problem for him, and he finds it adorable if you try to stop him by telling him he should save all that money for his "cause", Awww look at you, thinking he gives two shits about the cult, you're so adorable .

Geto keeps you close almost all the time, yup, even in sermons, but at least he makes sure you're comfortable when he does, probably let You sleep in his lap meanwhile he speaks(he thinks is SO CUTE), and above all, keeping you away from the monkeys.

Thanks to this habit you now have something like your own worshipers, Geto doesn't blame them, it's the treatment you deserve, but he can't tolerate seeing them try to touch you, he already has to put up with your family doing it (to take care of you and your disability ) so it is an unspoken rule NOT to touch you, at least not if you appreciate your hands and life.

He helps with your disability with his own experience with you, but definitely what he likes to do the most is bathe with you (not in a perverted way!), it is simply very satisfying to get rid of the "monkey smell" that you get when you interact with the believers. He sees it as something quite intimate without having to be sexual.

He constantly argues with himself whether he should let you do more things for yourself or pamper you to the fullest. On the one hand, he knows that it is good for your health (both physical and mental) to do more things on a physical level in addition to the typical exercises you do with your family. so that the muscles do not atrophy, but on the other hand there is the very satisfying feeling of seeing you all sleepy and cuddly when he carries you "floating" (actually on top of some harmless curse) and the need not to want to make you lift a finger. It is a scale that usually tips one way or another depending on the day.

and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! How he hates seeing you in pain! the whole family does it, but he becomes the clingiest human being in the world!But despite that, he understands that sometimes the pain is simply too much to even endure physical contact, so (with pain in his heart) he resists the urge to pamper you and lets the family members who know of medicine and those of your family take charge of the situation.

Of course, hope that when you feel better, you both have a LONG bath, both to get rid of the smell of mokeys your family and to relax after such a big scare.

There's no way anyone would dare try to woo you or, god forbid, say something nasty about you. The first ones will at least have the blessing of dying quickly, BUT THE SECONDS....yes, one really doesn't want to know.

You are grateful for not knowing.

That was kinda thanks to 1-his love for you and 2- the family.

Manami was VERY skeptical of you at first, as ugly as it sounds, she saw you as Geto's pet at first, but you didn't want to leave things on bad terms, so you tried (and managed) to get along better with her. She is like your part-time personal assistant when he is not with Geto, she is the one who tries to prevent the "Monkeys" from touching you, who organizes your schedule with your doctors and your family and Geto, she even helps you choose your clothes, always inside of your tastes.

Miguel is another relevant character, if you are important to Geto, then he accepts you, but he didn't think you would be so... sweet despite your situation with your disability, he understood well why Geto chose you among all the people as "the exception", only you would understand the minimum that they went through (even if it is with a different context). He respects you deeply. Act as your biggest guardian alongside Mimiko and Nanako.

Mimiko and Nanako are the members most interested in you as a person, you are like a second father figure, although they don't love you as much as Geto, you are the closest to that(they wish they could have meet You or Someone like You BEFORE). and I can definitely see them trying to help you walk on your own or do things for yourself (even if Geto worries). They are your cheerleaders so to speak.

although I think Geto would put aside all concern if you tried to direct you to HIM, in a certain way. He would be EUPHORIC, congratulating you all the time. the twins recording everything.

Overall, as long as you can turn a blind eye to his questionable ethics, it's not a bad match after all. He will love, protect and treasure you no matter what.

[running-in-the-dark]

I might be starting to feel slightly better and/or more like it might be possible to fix some of my problems. that's nice. I hope it'll last...

I still don't think I can realistically work at this point in time. hopefully eventually I'll be able to. maybe as soon as next year, if I can manage to improve certain things. initially I thought the only way to solve my problems is to immediately look for some kind of job, but I really think that would just fuck everything up even more long term.

one thing is my mental health. I'm doing much better thanks to my anxiety medication, but it's still definitely a problem. I'm alright in my everyday life right now, but any additional stress or challenges still makes me feel very anxious and overwhelmed. I have to call back the therapist I saw last month, make a list of all the others in the surrounding area, and call those too. that's gonna be hard.

but the main thing is how tired/fatigued I am pretty much all of the time. I will make an appointment with my GP to discuss that. I have mentioned it in the past with my previous GPs but neither of them seemed to take it very seriously. so I'll make a list and stuff this time, and say how much I sleep too, and that I have no energy to do anything at all most days. there's definitely something wrong.

it's also really weird that no one has ever told me I should do a sleep study. one of my biggest issues is that I can't sleep well at all. so like. at least check that maybe?? I'll bring that up too.

I don't know.. maybe I have fibromyalgia? I don't know if the amount of pain I have is 'enough' for that though. I don't think I'm always in pain. it is a lot but it's not that bad and it's mostly just when I've moved the wrong way or sat/slept in the wrong position or done too much (my level of "too much" is very very low though). or maybe chronic fatigue syndrome. or maybe I just have sleep apnoea and that's why I'm always tired, I don't know! so I'll have to get that checked.

maybe if I could sleep normally I wouldn't always feel so damn stupid. it just feels like I can't think anymore. like I can't take in information or recall it. my brain just feels like it's covered in cotton and I can't quite get to any of my thoughts.

it sucks so fucking much that I have to do all this work to try to get help when it feels absolutely impossible to do anything at all. like. I'm already so overwhelmed just trying to get through the day (even though I really don't do anything). making appointments and going to appointments and especially figuring out where I need to go and what I need to do is just.. so hard. I just constantly feel like I'm drowning.

[lindsayisfindingflow]

The update

Alright here’s that life update I threatened to post last week. The tl;dr version is that I am in a slightly different place in my life compared to the last time I posted (2020 to early 2021ish), but in many ways I feel like I’m in a similar place in my life as I was in my early 20s, and it’s made me miss posting on tumblr.

2021: this was a year with a lot of career growth for me - we were getting a lot of new projects, and I was able to join projects in roles that I had not previously filled before. Halfway through the year, I found out that we were being acquired by a much larger consulting firm. There were many benefits and drawbacks that came (and continue to come) from that. From a fitness perspective, I also trained for and completed my second Ironman (it was actually 2 years ago exactly today.) Shortly after that race, things got *very* busy at work.

2022: late 2021 to early 2022 was the most stressful period of my life with respect to work. There were times that I was working on 5-8 projects at once, and trying to be the project manager/primary contact on 3 at once. March/April 2022 was definitely a low point for me, and I was starting to get very burned out. Around this time I finally started rolling off of projects, but it took me until probably August/September to feel motivated by periods of stress instead of worn down/frustrated by them. This time period definitely took a toll on my fitness too. I completed a marathon in April (I think my mileage maxed out at 30, so I was likely operating off of old Ironman fitness), and I did a few summer triathlons too. In the Fall I trained for another marathon, but unfortunately had my first DNF due to knee pain from mile 13-18.

2023: This year has been much more manageable from a work perspective - I’ve been the project manager on one project, and have supported a handful of other projects/internal efforts to a lesser degree. This year has been even worse than the last in terms of fitness though, because I was dealing with hip pain from January through July. I started physical therapy for it in March, and did a PRP injection at the end of June. So far I’ve been doing well since ending PT, though I haven’t really had a chance to built my fitness back up.

So I guess that brings me to the present day - I want to figure out what fitness means for me in my 30s. I would love to get back to the level of fitness I had in my 20s, but I do think that I prioritized my level of fitness over other important areas of my life before, and I don’t want to do that again (or at the very least, I don’t want to do that for long periods of time). I don’t want to let my house to become an absolute wreck, and I want to make sure that I’m maintaining my joints/ligaments/bones so I can keep doing this for a long time. I actually got a dexa scan done last year, and between the results of that (I was in the 24th percentile) and my recent joint issues, I think strength training needs to be a priority, even if it’s not my favorite type of workout. I know being in your 30s doesn’t make you old, and many people reach peak fitness in their 30s, but I’m starting to realize that I need to do things differently now if I want to be one of those people.

[televinita]

Reading Triage

Well it's been almost a month since the last (library) one, so off we go; lots to be immediately excited about!

1. Hurricane Summer - Asha Bromfield: current read, roughly 50% in. It's painful how awful some of her relatives are, and I'm baffled that she gets so upset about her aunt calling her a slut for super innocent behaviors only to...immediately get frisky with the first boy who charms her?? Truly not beating the allegations here -- but it's also incredibly beautiful writing about a setting and culture I truly don't think I've read before (Jamaica, especially from the perspective of a Canadian citizen).

[edit: loved it]

2. Even If It Breaks Your Heart - Erin Hahn: 60% done but I've been working on this one for 3 solid weeks now, struggling thru first audio and then ebook on phone, then learned that county next door FINALLY bought a physical copy after all. Part of the struggle is formatting, but the rest is that it wants and deserves to be 4 stars so bad, but the You'd Be Mine-levels of jackhole in this love interest are dragging it down.

[edit: it did not get better but I finished]

3. Queen of Junk Island - Alexandra Mae Jones: so damned pretty that I'm reading it despite the fact that it's literally just a mid-2000s queer YA novel that had to wait until its author was old enough to publish it in 2022, in terms of both being set then and having its entire focus on becoming aware of/coming to terms with her non-straight sexuality. Which was absolutely never the kind of book I looked for. But I REALLY want the story of them cleaning up the family cottage from all the trash a previous renter left there. (side note: how did I manage to randomly pick two Canadian authors from my shelf browsing??).

[edit: worst book of the year with zero competition]

4. The Wishing Game - Meg Schaffer: I kicked it back unread last time but my request in the county next door has just come through. I really hope I love this one. Everyone I trust does, and it really seems up my alley, but I'm so terrified of reading this at the Wrong Time and it coming up short that I'm actually scared to start.

[edit: it was really lovely! glad I got to it]

5. Liar's Beach - Katie Cotugno: seems like a good summer YA thriller, and it has a sequel (companion book?) coming out in August.

[edit: I have read so many YA horror/thrillers this summer but I didn't quite get to this one. Later!]

6. The Dare - Natasha Preston: I'm expecting even less from this one than The Haunting, but it was available so what the hell. And at least this one actually takes place in summer.

[edit: least interesting of the 4 I've read from her, and an I Know What You Did Last Summer knockoff, but still worth it]

7. Between You, Me & the Honeybees - Amelia Diane Coombs: I don't like "our families are business rivals" stories, but I DO like stories about teens who would rather stay home and work for the family business than go to college, and this cover is so pretty that I'm ready to give it a shot.

[edit: the rivalry wasn't even an issue for me, and though I did have other things that weren't my favorite, this was an incredible YA contemporary]

8. The Spellshop - Sarah Beth Durst: releases in 2 days and will be bumped to IMMEDIATELY NEXT in the queue as soon as my library makes it available (I'm first in line). I'm trying to contain my excitement and moderate my hype levels but it's too pretty!!!!

[edit: five solid stars, everything I hoped for and more, one of the best books of the year]

9. (MAYBE) The Middle of the Night - Riley Sager: I don't think I'm high enough up in the request line to get this by the end of the month, but if it does happen to come in, this is the other book I'll drop everything for to read ASAP. My interest in this is mostly FOMO, and I'm kind of annoyed to have been caught up in it because EVERYONE reads his books immediately upon release, but I do generally enjoy them.

[edit: didn't arrive in time but definitely coming in August]

10. (MAYBE) Out On A Limb - Hannah Bonam-Young: I have read surprisingly little straightforward adult romance this year and I'm kind of missing it. I've had this hold paused for a bit but I might be ready to un-pause it soon.

[author's note: but then I wasn't!]

BONUS: AUDIOBOOKS

The Hundred and One Dalmatians - Dodie Smith (it is so hard not to shorten the title to 101!): a reread of a book I remember surprisingly little from for something I put on my "Top 100 Books Of All Time" list at age 19, but still remember fondly, because I got desperate & squirrelly for something to help me fall asleep.

[edit: not sure it would still make the list now but still really enjoyed]

2. Marvel's What If... Loki Was Worthy - Madeleine Roux: library doesn't have a physical copy, which is annoying because I hate reading on my phone but I also don't know if I can tolerate an audiobook that doesn't have the Correct Voices (though I really liked the 5 minutes of sample I heard), so I've been having to juggle this one until I can get both formats at the same time on Libby, to switch between them.

TBQH, my excitement for this has died down a little since I found out about in December (didn't release until April), but at this point I've been waiting long enough that I just kind of Want To Know.

[edit: what a fun cracky time, recommended]

[qzwrites]

Blackmail Boyfriend DVD Commentary Edition

This was fun! But it's a pain in the ass to figure out how to format something like this! Many of the places I looked used colored text or italics for their commentary and I hated that and thought it was inaccessible! So I have set my commentary off and also indented it. Let me know how that reads.

-

It was convenient to share a hotel room with the only teammate who knew Aidan was trans. It was unfortunate that said teammate was blackmailing Aidan into having sex with him, but Aidan did really need the help keeping their other roommate from noticing anything amiss about Aidan. Aidan figured at least with Trey in the room, Richard wouldn’t do anything.

He should have known Richard better by now.

-

I talked about this in the original author's notes but this sure is a scenario that occurs all over manga both vanilla and hentai. In high school I read a romance manga about a girl cross-dressing to go to an all-boys school to be nearer to her favorite soccer player and ending up roommates with him, and I have also read comics where it's like "Surprise! The new ace player is Actually A Girl!" which leads to, at best, dubiously consensual sex (whether or not the author seems aware this is dubious is, itself, dubious). Once I had rotated this concept in my mind enough times, I thought it would be not terribly difficult but definitely interesting to start from this extremely dire transactional relationship and end up in an actual romance, especially if, as was usually the case in these "secret cross-dresser" manga, it was about teenagers. So I had the backstory for Aidan and Richard worked out first, but I thought the part where Aidan realized Richard actually liked him was more interesting, which is why I start here.

-

Aidan was almost asleep when he felt Richard shift behind him. That didn’t alarm him on its own, but then Richard’s hand was on Aidan’s hip.

There were lots of things to dislike about Richard blackmailing Aidan into sex, and one of them was the way Aidan’s stupid pussy did not dislike it. Unlike the way flicking the bean only ever made Aidan uncomfortably aware of his dysphoria, getting pounded somehow wasn’t triggering at all. To add insult to injury, it was way easier to come from. Even though Richard was a transphobic, misogynistic asshole, Aidan’s stupid pussy lit up the second Richard touched him.

-

I actually hate the word "pussy" but I also think euphemisms and circumlocutions indicate a different type of trans dude. Since I didn't want to write about someone dealing with too much dysphoria on top of the blackmail situation (because how the fuck are you going to come around on someone who is constantly triggering dysphoria? No matter how good the sex is or how nice Richard is, it would just be an overall more negative experience) I thought straightforward but not clinical terms would be best. Also IDK man, I'm also trans, and for whatever reason I find it a lot easier to write a guy talking about his pussy than a girl doing the same. Boypussy is fine, I guess. I also started this story not long after I finished Exciting New Levels of Heresy, in which I managed to avoid using any clear words for Nic's junk literally at all. That wasn't me trying to be coy, I just found it difficult to accept the idea of Nic thinking about zeir body in any of those terms. In the extras set further in the future, ze uses the word "cunt", but freshly-deflowered Nic was just too embarrassed about having and enjoying sex to say something like that. Whereas I kind of wanted Aidan to feel like...you know, a teenage boy. "Pussy" feels like a very teenage boy way to refer to it.

-

Aidan tried to squirm away from Richard, but Richard just followed him to the edge of the bed, until Aidan had nowhere to go. Aidan hissed, “Trey’s right there!”

“So be quiet,” Richard murmured, sliding his fingers under the waistband of Aidan’s shorts. He pulled Aidan back against him. Aidan wasn’t surprised to feel he was already hard. Sometimes it felt like Richard could go from flaccid to throbbing instantly.

After weeks of taking advantage of Aidan, Richard knew Aidan’s body and how to manage his dysphoria as well as Aidan did. He only used his hand down the front of Aidan’s underwear to shove it down and out of the way. Once he had his cock nestled between Aidan’s labia, he reached up Aidan’s shirt to play with his tits.

Aidan had to bite his knuckles to muffle the sounds he wanted to make. Between Richard’s cock sliding against his pussy and Richard’s fingers pinching his nipples, he was wet enough to take it in no time at all.

Aidan resented how much he enjoyed fucking Richard. Richard misgendered him when they were alone, even if it had been a while since he did so, and he had immediately demanded to fuck him when he found out Aidan “was a girl”. But having to avoid sexual situations that would out him did approximately fuck-all to calm Aidan’s raging teenage hormones, while Richard’s stupid dick actually let Aidan blow off some steam and be less sexually frustrated. It was easier to concentrate on his schoolwork, he had less trouble falling asleep at night, he even played better since Richard started fucking him. It was monumentally unfair. Fucking someone to keep them from outing you should not be so enjoyable.

Richard stopped bothering with condoms after he found out Aidan was on birth control, which Aidan knew was irresponsible but couldn’t bring himself to seriously protest. He told himself it was because fighting Richard on it might lead to Richard outing him, but it was at least half because of how good it felt to not have to stop when Aidan was wet enough for Richard’s cock to just slip right into him, as it did now.

-

I know I'm not the only person who did stupid things I knew were stupid even as I did them when I was a teenager purely because I was horny. Aidan probably could have found a way out of this situation, even if it would have been tricky to avoid being outed, but he didn't try very hard.

-

Aidan turned to press his face into the pillow to stop his groan. Richard tugged him away from the edge of the bed, then pushed Aidan down on his stomach and rolled on top of him. Aidan reached down to shove his shorts off one leg, so he could spread his legs that much wider. Richard’s breathing grew harsh and ragged as he humped Aidan like a badly-trained dog.

The lamp between the beds clicked on. Aidan froze. So did Richard, although his cock twitched a bit inside Aidan like it was less on board with this interruption. Trey’s voice said, “What the hell are you guys doing over th–oh my god, are you fucking?”

-

I tried to push this piece back into being more cartoony, the way some of my older art is, and I'm of two minds about how it turned out. I did have a lot of fun doing the lighting! And Richard's expression cracks me up. Information Aidan does not have available that the reader is getting from this illustration, I guess.

-

Aidan’s heart raced. He was pressed against the mattress with Richard on top of him, the blanket was still mostly over them. Trey couldn’t see Aidan’s breasts or his lack of dick. It was entirely possible Richard was fucking him in the ass. That’s what Trey would assume.

Except when Richard walked in on Aidan initially, he was adamant that he wasn’t gay, even as he demanded to fuck another guy, because he refused to acknowledge the fact that Aidan was a guy. He could very well out Aidan to avoid letting Trey think he was gay. Fuck fuck fuck.

Richard turned his head to face Trey, but didn’t otherwise move, staying draped over Aidan’s back. “Ugh,” Richard said, “I thought you were asleep.”

“I was, but the sound of what I thought was one of you jerking it woke me up,” Trey said. “Are you two seriously doing it?”

“Trying to,” Richard said. He still didn’t move from on top of Aidan. It was embarrassing as hell, but Aidan had to admit it kept Trey from seeing much of Aidan’s body.

“Dude,” Trey said. He sounded more offended than disgusted, thank god. “With me in the room?”

-

I have no idea what the differences may be between spending the night in a hotel with a sports team versus a drama club or Academic Decathlon team, but I assumed they couldn't be too different. I don't think anyone ever had sex in the hotel rooms on any of my trips for competitions, but it didn't seem like it would be too hard to arrange if one was so inclined. The main problem, of course, is that they usually put us three or four to a room. But, having Trey in the room to address that and add some risk and excitement to the sex also allowed me to make Richard and Aidan talk about things. And it meant I had an easy set-up for Aidan getting walked in on and outed again, which let me contrast Richard's initial reaction to his new reaction, which forced them to talk some more. It did mean another character to keep track of, but at least I didn't have to get too in the weeds with him. (Shakes fist at all the boys in Childhood Friends, especially you, Paul)

-

“I thought you were asleep,” Richard said defensively. “We don’t usually have a bed.”

“Can you choose one or the other?” Aidan demanded, face hot. If Richard wasn’t going to be a cowardly asshole and out him, then he really didn’t want to prolong this situation. “Either talk to Trey or fuck me.”

“Uh, I hate to break it to you,” Trey said, “but I don’t think I’m going to be able to fall back asleep.”

Aidan groaned and pressed his face back into the pillow.

Richard shrugged. “I don’t care if you watch,” he said.

“Richard,” Aidan yelped, very nearly making a terrible mistake and bucking him off.

“Oh, calm down,” Richard said. He rolled his hips, leisurely. The felt good enough that Aidan relaxed against his own will. He might also have moaned a little.

“Jesus Christ,” Trey said. His voice broke on the last syllable. He cleared his throat. “Look, I don’t mind if y’all are gay or whatever, but I’m not.”

Aidan tensed back up again. Richard, confusingly, rubbed Aidan’s arm soothingly, on the side Trey couldn’t see. Richard said, “Fine, turn the light off then. I just want to finish.”

“You’re a freak,” Trey said. “Um, Aidan?”

Aidan had to pull his face out of the pillow to answer. “Honestly at this point I don’t care, I want to finish too.”

Richard put his mouth against Aidan’s ear to murmur, “Of course you do, slut.” He rolled his hips again, still slowly enough that it was torturous. His breath was hot on the side of Aidan’s head. “Slutty little faggot.”

Being called a slur should not have made Aidan shudder and clench around Richard’s cock, but it was the first time since Richard first saw Aidan naked that he’d said anything to acknowledge Aidan was a queer guy and not a straight girl. Aidan moaned before he could help it.

-

Important to establish that, despite being a crude and physically needy guy, Richard was not in fact continuing to misgender Aidan. It takes a special kind of guy to make calling the POV character a faggot an improvement, but it didn't feel like much of a stretch that Aidan would be into it. He is, after all, the kind of person who is unbothered enough by being coerced into sex to not try that hard to get out of it. Him being kind of into it makes that seem more explicable.

-

“God,” Trey said, and the light clicked off.

“Thanks, man,” Richard said, and started humping Aidan again.

“I hate you,” Aidan said. Richard only grunted and bit Aidan’s neck.

Aidan had a much harder time keeping quiet now that he knew Trey was already awake. Yeah, it was embarrassing that Trey was hearing all the moaning Aidan was doing, not to mention the extremely audible slapping of Richard’s hips against Aidan’s ass, but…he already knew. And with the light off again, the chance he’d notice Aidan was trans was effectively zero.

After a few minutes, Trey made a noise in the other bed. He said, “It does not make me gay to jerk off to this, okay?”

Aidan laughed, which made the muscles in his pussy do something that made Richard groan. “Sure,” Aidan said.

“I’m listening to people have sex,” Trey said. He was out of breath. Fuck, he was actually jerking off listening to Richard and Aidan go at it. “It’s a normal physical reaction.”

-

I did find myself thinking a lot about a time in my college dorm where I was laying awake with insomnia hearing a weird noise like "what the hell is my roommate dong over there" and didn't realize until years later that she was masturbating. I spent all year waiting until she went to the practice room with her violin! Honestly!!!

-

Aidan laughed again, and so did Richard. “Yeah,” Richard said, “nothing but normal physical reactions in here tonight.”

Thankfully, after that he settled back down to fucking Aidan. Apart from labored breathing and rhythmic slapping sounds, Trey was quiet as well. With the light off but no worry about waking Trey up, Aidan felt comfortable enough to push himself up on his knees. Richard murmured into Aidan’s ear, “God, you’re such a slut.” Still, he adjusted the angle he was thrusting into Aidan so his next stroke slammed into Aidan’s g-spot. Aidan cried out. Then he was coming, and Richard was still slamming into him, and Aidan was still coming. God, it was fucked up that Richard knew his body so well.

Richard must have come at some point in there, because by the time Aidan was cognizant of anything other than his own overwhelming orgasm, Richard was pulling out of him with some extremely wet squelchy sounds.

Aidan collapsed onto the mattress to get his breathing under control. Now that he was the one listening to someone in the other bed get off, he had to admit Trey had a point. He’d just come, after all, and he wasn’t into Trey, but his pussy still had trouble calming down while he could hear Trey panting and jerking off.

Richard tugged on the hem of Aidan’s shirt. “Roll over,” he mumbled.

“Why?” Aidan asked, but did it. He was a little surprised when Richard leaned over and kissed him. It was hot and sloppy, and he got a bit of Aidan’s nose at first. Richard had really only kissed him the first time they had sex. Considering how short Richard’s fuse was, and how humiliatingly easy Aidan was, Richard didn’t usually bother with much foreplay. He grabbed Aidan’s left boob through his shirt. Aidan groaned. This was not helping him be less horny.

“Knock it off,” Aidan tried to say, but Richard wouldn’t stop kissing him enough for it to be understandable. Richard pushed Aidan’s shirt up and pinched his nipple. “Ah!”

-

Without Trey in the room, they absolutely would have gone for another round here.

-

“God, are you still going?” Trey asked. The sound of him stroking his dick did not pause as he spoke. That was definitely not helping Aidan be less horny.

“Well, now we’re listening to someone jerk off,” Richard said. “It’s a natural physical reaction.”

Trey started to laugh, gasped, and Aidan was willing to bet that weird breath he took meant he came. That was embarrassing for him, but also pretty funny.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Aidan said, squirming out of Richard’s grasp. At least with the light still off, Aidan didn’t have to worry about the fact that his unbound breasts were clearly visible under his shirt, especially with one of his nipples all hard from being manhandled. He didn’t much like pulling his underwear and shorts up when he could feel Richard’s come oozing out of him, but even with the light off Aidan didn’t feel comfortable walking around the foot of the bed to the bathroom naked from the waist down.

Once the bathroom door was shut, Aidan turned the light on. His hair was a mess and his boobs were indeed visible in this shirt, but Richard hadn’t left any marks on his neck. He peed, and then spent a not-insignificant amount of time wiping up the mess. He knew dicks were only supposed to ejaculate a teaspoon or some small amount like that, but he would swear Richard came more than that. Although Aidan supposed it was kind of hard to tell apart what came out of his body versus Richard’s. God knew he got pretty damn wet when Richard started pawing at him.

-

I don't know that Aidan is even thinking about this consciously at this point, but vagina owners please pee after PIV sex! Our urethras are too short to not clean out whatever may have gotten in there during sex! Save yourself the UTI! Also I did establish earlier that they weren't bothering with condoms, which was purely so I didn't have to figure out how to get a condom into this scene without waking up Trey or disrupting the pacing, but also makes the clean-up extra necessary.

-

He turned the light off before he left the bathroom, then waited until he could see well enough to be sure the light in the main room was still off before he opened the door. He made it back to the bed and under the covers without incident.

“Swear to god,” Trey said from the other bed, “if you assholes don’t go to sleep now, I’m telling Coach.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Richard said. He rolled over and put his arm around Aidan’s waist. Aidan tensed, but all Richard did was snuggle into Aidan’s back. Aidan wished he knew what the hell was going on in Richard’s head, but he was too tired to think about it for long before he fell asleep.

-

Richard is totally in love with Aidan and Aidan is just like "wtf has he always been cuddly?" The answer is yes, actually, but it's pretty hard to get in those post-coital cuddles when you're having quickies in the locker room.

-

*

Being stealth at school wasn’t as hard as Aidan had worried it would be. Enough guys changed for gym in the bathroom stalls because they were shy that it wasn’t that notable that Aidan did it too. It was slightly more conspicuous in the locker room for practice, but most of the soccer team didn’t pay too much attention to him at first, and then they liked him enough because he was a good player to not give him shit about it.

So maybe he’d gotten a little complacent about changing in the locker room. He was on birth control that stopped his periods now, so he didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing pad wings or tampon strings or whatever, and he wasn’t about to bleed through his underwear. More than once he’d actually gotten down to his binder with someone else in the room, without them noticing, because no one was paying attention to him change. So one day after practice, when he was really sweaty and muddy and everyone else had already left, Aidan thought, as long as everyone else was gone, he might as well take a shower.

-

Literally I don't understand why teen media acts like everyone is fine with changing in front of everyone. This was not the case anywhere I went. Maybe sports teams were more generally blase about it, the way most of the drama kids were, but even after four years of changing in front of each other for shows, there were some people who always changed in the bathroom. I never once used a shower at school until I lived in a dorm, though. Although again: theatre kid instead of sports kid.

-

He’d almost gotten away with it, even when Richard came back in to get something he’d forgotten in his locker. The showers weren’t easy to peek into from the path in and out of the locker room. Richard called out, “Who’s still in here?”

If he hadn’t responded, Richard definitely would have come to check it out, so Aidan shouted, “It’s Aidan!”

Richard laughed, because he’d been one of the other guys who fell in the mud. “Alright, see you tomorrow,” he called back, and Aidan relaxed.

Too soon, as it turned out, because a minute later Richard was at the doorway to the shower, saying, “Hang on, you never even change in front of us, let’s see what you’re so shy about, anyway.”

-

Gee, Richard, why are you so curious about seeing Aidan naked?

-

None of the showers were really set up to provide enough privacy to keep Aidan from being partially exposed. He yelped and spun around to put his back to Richard, but Richard had already gotten an eyeful.

“Holy shit,” Richard said, “you’re a girl?”

He didn’t pay any attention at all to Aidan’s protest that he was not, in fact, a girl. His very thoughtful rebuttal was to gesture at Aidan’s body and say, “Boobs, vagina.” It was annoying enough that his suggestion he could keep his mouth shut if Aidan let Richard fuck him was almost a relief.

-

I think not writing this out as a full scene makes it stronger. Aidan's extremely judgy narration cracks me up. And it didn't feel like it needed it; the fact that it happened at all is what's important for this story, and I've already gotten the requisite S2B2 sex scene out of the way.

-

By then, Aidan was done showering. He tried to wrap himself in a towel and go to his locker to get dressed, but Richard grabbed him, pushed him up against the outside wall of the showers, and kissed him. He’d already been hard, and that made Aidan kind of dizzy even if it was based on a fundamental misunderstanding of Aidan’s gender.

“What, now?” Aidan asked, breathlessly, like Richard’s dick hadn’t made that clear.

“Why, you got somewhere else to be?” Richard asked, and didn’t wait for an answer before kissing Aidan again.

Aidan lost his virginity on a damp towel spread out on the floor of the locker room. He didn’t come, but it was a near thing. Aidan swore to himself he wouldn’t get off on it the next time he let Richard fuck him, which turned out to be comically over-confident.

*

Aidan woke up the morning after having sex in front of a teammate with Richard pressed up against his side, his hand up Aidan’s shirt. He was grabbing Aidan’s boob in his sleep. Aidan didn’t know what he’d expected. It was under the blanket, at least. Aidan nudged Richard off of him, then lifted his head to see if Trey was awake. Trey was on his side facing away from them, so Aidan couldn’t tell. It would be too conspicuous to try and wriggle into his binder under the blanket, so Aidan reached for his phone to check the time.

He was just messing around on his phone, aimlessly scrolling social media, when Trey got up from his bed and walked to the bathroom. Aidan immediately dropped his phone to grab his binder. He wrenched his shirt off, pulled his binder on, and was rewarded with the bottom edge of his binder rolling up and digging in painfully, the way it always did he when he tried to put it on too fast. Aidan kicked Richard under the blankets, while he struggled to pull his binder down.

Aidan heard Richard groan, then felt the bed shift as he moved around. Then Richard said, “Oh, shit, where’s Trey?”

“Bathroom,” Aidan said. “But I think he’s only peeing. Give me a hand.”

“Yeah,” Richard said. He grabbed the back of Aidan’s binder and pulled. He reached up with his other hand to straighten out the hem without Aidan having to ask. Since he always wanted access to Aidan’s boobs when they were having sex, he’d helped Aidan in and out of his binder enough times to be decent at it. It was one of the weird ways he was considerate even though he’d blackmailed Aidan into this.

While Aidan adjusted the way his boobs were laying in the front of his binder, Richard grabbed Aidan’s discarded shirt and turned it right side out. He held it out so all Aidan had to do was put his arms and head through it. While Aidan did that, he heard the toilet flush. Richard murmured, “You good?”

-

I think it says something about Richard (and his relationship with Aidan) that, even though Aidan doesn't realize Richard likes him, he still doesn't hesitate to demand assistance with his binder. They've been doing this long enough that Richard has clearly established that he's going to help Aidan stay closeted, despite theoretically holding the threat of outing him over his head. I don't know if anyone else even noticed this, but Richard going above and beyond by prepping the shirt for Aidan to get into is him doing a really good job of helping Aidan get dressed. I don't mention it in the story, but Richard doesn't have any younger siblings or anything; his experience dressing someone else is all Aidan. He's trying so hard to be boyfriend material without saying anything about it. Idiot.

-

Aidan yanked the shirt down and flopped back onto the bed. “Yeah,” he said.

“Good,” Richard said. He also laid back down, pulling the blanket up over their chests. He yawned. “What time is it?”

“Eight-thirty,” Aidan told him.

Richard groaned. “That’s too early to be up on a Saturday,” he said, and rolled over to press his face into Aidan’s shoulder.

“Stop that,” Aidan said, shrugging him off. He heard the bathroom door open, and then the sink ran. He was as prepared to face Trey as he was ever going to be. He would have felt more secure with another layer of clothes on, but he’d known he wouldn’t have time to get completely dressed, and it would be weird to get partially dressed and then stay in bed. Aidan wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep, but he didn’t completely disagree with Richard that it was too early to be up. And there wasn’t much he could do in the hotel room if Richard or Trey went back to sleep.

“Are you guys up?” Trey asked from around the corner.

“Yeah,” Aidan said. Richard groaned and pulled the blanket over his head.

“So,” Trey said, coming around the corner and heading for the bed he’d slept in. “Usually I wouldn’t want to be nosy, but I feel like I earned it.” He sat down on the edge of the bed facing them and leaning back on his hands. He was still in the t-shirt and plaid boxers he’d slept in. “Are you guys gay?”

At least that was a question with a simple answer. “Only in the umbrella sense,” Aidan said. “I’m bi.”

Richard flipped the blanket down off his face. “If being into Aidan counts,” he said, “then I guess I am too.”

Aidan looked sidelong at him. That was a pretty clever way to sound like he was saying something he wasn’t. The thing about Richard was that he was inconsistent about the gender thing. He’d been adamant he wasn’t gay and it wasn’t gay for him to fuck Aidan, but he never slipped up in front of other people. That wasn’t Aidan’s typical experience with people who didn’t believe or understand that he was trans. When they had sex, Richard worked around Aidan’s discomfort with having his clit touched. Aidan genuinely couldn’t tell how much Richard was being considerate versus just humoring Aidan in order to have continued access to Aidan’s body.

And now it sounded like he was fine with Trey thinking he was bi, even though he’d been vehement at first that he wasn’t gay.

Richard saw Aidan looking. “What?” he asked. He was blushing. He was blushing?

It was early, and Trey already knew they had sex. Aidan said bluntly, “I kind of figured I was just a convenient hole to stick your dick in.”

Richard shrugged. “I feel like you’d be less irresistible if you were.”

That made Aidan blush. He always thought Richard was just horny, not that he found Aidan especially attractive. That…put some things in a different light.

“For pete’s sake,” Trey said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t make me listen to you two have sex and a relationship discussion.”

“It’s too early to be talking about this shit anyway,” Aidan said. He sat up. “Breakfast is in the lobby, right?”

It was an obvious change of subject, but they both let him get away with it. Aidan steadfastly ignored the way he was still blushing and got up to get dressed.

*

Richard was in the middle of an argument with Jake about some video game when Aidan and Trey finished eating breakfast, so Aidan and Trey walked back through the hotel to their room to get ready for the day without him.

“Hey,” Aidan said, when the door to the room was closed behind them, “sorry about last night. I did try to tell him no ’cause you were here, but, uh. Not very hard, I guess.”

Trey sighed. “I mean, it sucked to get woken up like that, but it’s not like I’ve never done something stupid because a girl put her hand down my pants, so. Don’t worry about it.” He sat down on the foot of his bed and kicked off the shoes he’d worn to breakfast. He went on, “I mean, we’ve all walked past that nook behind the band room and pretended we didn’t see whoever was making out back there.”

-

Based on a real nook behind the band room at my high school. Literally on the path to the only bathrooms in the building, and we all collectively went I Do Not See It

-

That was an extremely generous word for some of what went on in the nook behind the band room. Aidan had never walked past anyone outright fucking back there, but it went a lot further than kissing. “Well, still,” Aidan said. “It was rude to do that to you. But thanks for being nice about it.”

“You know, thinking about it,” Trey said, “I did notice Richard was being nicer to you lately.”

“Ah,” Aidan said. He hadn’t been sure he wasn’t imagining that. Before Richard called him irresistible, Aidan thought any niceness he wasn’t imagining was due to misplaced sexism. Now he didn’t know what to think. To Trey, he said, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Trey yawned. “Hey,” he said, “do you mind if I try to take a nap before we have to go?”

“Nah, go ahead,” Aidan said. “Want me to wake you up?”

“I’ll set an alarm,” Trey said. He kicked off his shoes. Aidan didn’t bother, but he made sure to pull the covers up so his shoes didn’t get in the sheets or anything. Trey climbed into bed, messed with his phone for a minute, then closed his eyes. Aidan grabbed the book he was supposed to finish this weekend out of his backpack. After a second, he realized he should text Richard to be quiet when he came back to the room, did that, then went back to reading.

*

They were playing two games today, so Coach told them to pace themselves. He looked right at Richard when he said, “Don’t push yourselves too hard. We’re trying to build stamina, not let you hurt yourselves.” Richard attempted to look innocent. Coach didn’t fall for it any more than Aidan did.

-

This got all the way to the S2B2 editorial team without anyone pointing out that I had never named the fucking sport they were playing. It was always soccer in my head, but I sure didn't have that in the initial drafts!

-

The first game was good. The other team, who they hadn’t played before, had clearly gotten a similar talk from their coach. It was a chill, fun game that felt more cooperative than competitive. It was nice, although Aidan would get bored if every game felt that way.

It made Richard noticeably restless. For a second in the locker room after the game, Aidan thought Richard was going to follow him into the bathroom when he went to change. He didn’t, though, and Aidan took a moment to be thankful he was trans and no one could tell if he was turned on through his clothes. They’d literally just done it last night, why was Aidan already soaking his shorts at the thought of Richard following him into the bathroom? Stupid hormones.

The cafeteria wasn’t staffed, but the coaches had ordered catering and set it up in there. Aidan expected the catering was better than the cafeteria food anyway, so he wasn’t going to complain. He grabbed some sandwiches and a bag of chips, then went over to the water fountain to fill up his water bottle.

When Aidan got to the set of tables the rest of the team had claimed, Jake was laughing at Richard. “Man, you need to lighten up,” Jake said. “Forget superstition, maybe you should get laid before games, work off some of that energy.”

“He did,” Trey said. “It obviously didn’t help.”

Aidan froze in his seat. He was sure Richard did too.

Jake looked from Trey to Richard, then, inevitably, at Aidan.

Trey said, “Oh, dammit, was that–supposed to be secret?”

-

A story about being repeatedly outed, RIP Aidan

-

The table roared as everyone who’d heard them demanded details. Aidan didn’t know if he was surprised or offended at how quickly everyone determined Richard had sex with him, and not Trey, before either of them even said anything. Aidan didn’t bother to fight his blush. He only ignored it and unwrapped his sandwich.

“I thought you hated Aidan,” Mark said to Richard.

Before Richard could respond, Joseph said, “Come on, that was obviously his immature little way of flirting.” Aidan had come to a similar conclusion himself, given how quickly Richard jumped to “have sex with me” when he decided Aidan was a girl. He had to have been attracted to Aidan on some level before that, and “finding out” Aidan was a girl let him acknowledge it.

-

So this isn't a thing I've only seen in one place, but the example that jumps to my mind is Eurotrip; the main character finds out his German penpal is not a dude, as he assumed, but actually a girl, and immediately is like "oh I'm in love with her she's the one". Hey? Hey dude? That's fucking gay. Richard even admits it later, that finding out Aidan "was a girl" let him realize his feelings for Aidan were a crush. Like, I don't know how "latent bisexuality" isn't the only possible answer for this very rapid conclusion. If the only thing that's keeping you from fucking your dude friends is thinking they're dudes, but as soon as you have any reason to think that's not true you're like "okay take off your clothes"...that's actually pretty gay, dude. (This also happens a lot in gender-bender hentai manga. Hey guys? Your dude friend having tits now should not immediately lead to you fucking him and feeling totally secure in your heterosexuality, actually. That's a fucking wild reaction to this situation.) ("Ani it's just a porn premise" WELL SO IS THIS BUT I PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO THE EXECUTION AT LEAST)

-

“I just thought we’re not that close, I didn’t hear about it,” Trey said. He looked wretched enough that Aidan felt bad for him.

“Don’t worry about it,” Richard yelled, to be heard over the din. “It’s not like we told you not to tell anyone.”

“Is this recent?” someone asked.

“Are you dating?” someone else asked, teasingly.

“No,” Aidan said firmly, in unison with Richard.

“You can’t say you’re friends with benefits,” Mark said. “You’re not friends.”

“Why aren’t you dating?” Joseph asked. He was closer to Richard, but he looked down the table in a way that made it clear he was including Aidan in his question.

Aidan looked at Richard, who stared back at him. Richard was wide-eyed, but the look on his face didn’t tell Aidan anything about how he wanted to handle this. Of course this was when everyone else would shut up enough to listen. Nosy bastards. Finally, Aidan said, “I don’t want to have this conversation in front of other people.”

“Yeah,” Richard said at once, “me neither.” He looked around the table. “It’s none of y’all’s business.”

-

They do not have this conversation in public because I didn't want to write this conversation with so many other people involved. I can write a big group meal talk, but it's hard, and honestly I don't think it would have been worth it in this case!

-

“God, I’m sorry,” Trey said, looking from Richard to Aidan. “I didn’t realize.”

“It’s fine,” Richard said.

It was annoying, but Aidan hadn’t heard any homophobia, just nosiness and some I-told-you-so’s. It was far and away the better outing he’d had at this school. “It’s okay, Trey,” Aidan said. He smiled, and hoped it didn’t look as forced as it was. “It’s not your fault nothing in the world can chill Richard out.”

Aidan told himself he didn’t feel bad, redirecting the teasing back to Richard alone. Richard rolled his eyes, but he let Jake resume giving him grief, so Aidan turned his attention to his lunch.

There were an uneven number of teams, so their team had a break after lunch, before their second game. They went to watch the other games that were happening. Aidan hoped he’d fall off the radar of the rest of the team, but he wasn’t that lucky.

Mark climbed over the bleachers to sit down next to Aidan twenty minutes into the game. “Hey,” he said quietly, “are you really hooking up with Richard?”

“I guess,” Aidan said. He didn’t know what else he could say. At least Richard had been just as firm at lunch about the fact they weren’t dating as Aidan had; that could have been awkward. Well, more awkward.

“And you’re…okay? With that?” Mark asked. “I mean, he was such a dick when you joined the team. No pun intended.”

Aidan shrugged. “I assumed Joey was right, and that was his messed-up attempt at flirting. Or dealing with his feelings, anyway,” he said. He wasn’t sure it counted as flirting if you didn’t know why you were doing it. He added, “I don’t think he’s ever been into another guy before.”

-

I mean, if one of your friends who was kind of bullying a guy suddenly turned out to be having sex with that guy, it seems reasonable to be concerned that something unsavory is going on there. And there is! Or at least there was! So here we see Aidan being offered an out for the first of, like, three times in this story. But he is now invested enough in also protecting Richard, as well as continuing to get laid, that he isn't even conflicted or concerned about taking it without simultaneously outing himself. It doesn't even occur to him! Mostly he just doesn't want to be talking to his teammates about this.

-

“I guess that makes sense,” Mark said. He scratched his scruffy goatee. “But I don’t know, man, my sisters always say you shouldn’t reward guys who do stuff like that. It’s kind of a red flag, isn’t it?”

Great, he thought Aidan was some kind of foolish damsel. Aidan guessed that was technically better than people knowing he was trans and treating him like a delusional girl. Not by much, though. He said, “I don’t know about Richard, but this is one reason I didn’t want to tell people. It’s complicated. And personal.”

“No, I know,” Mark said, holding up his hands. “You’re a big boy, you can make your own decisions. I just thought, I dunno, someone should check on you. We’ve all known Richard longer than you, I didn’t want you to be, you know, forgotten about.”

Aidan didn’t know what to say to that. “Thanks?” Aidan said.

Mark sighed. “I should have told Trey to do this,” he said.

Aidan laughed. “Trey wasn’t worried,” he said. “I bet he would’ve told you not to worry, too. Not to be vulgar or anything, but there is a reason I’m hooking up with him.”

“Oh,” Mark said. He made a face. “Really?” he asked after a moment. “I mean, you’re right, I don’t think Richard’s ever been into another guy before, and it doesn’t seem like that would lend itself to being good at gay sex.”

Aidan shrugged, still smiling. “I was honestly shocked,” he said. “But it’s really good.”

“Damn, okay,” Mark said. Aidan glanced at him, and saw he was blushing. About time someone else was embarrassed about this. “I guess that answers that.”

In the locker room before their second game, as Aidan walked over to the bathroom stalls, Jake said, “Ah, now we know why Aidan changes in the bathroom. To avoid inflaming Richard’s lust!” Most of the team burst into laughter.

Well, Aidan thought, face hot enough it felt like it might burst into flames, at least this was all sending them off track. No one would guess he was trans if they assumed it was all about Richard, the way he’d hassled Aidan at first, and now not being naked around the guy he was hooking up with when they weren’t having sex.

“Yeah, yeah,” Richard said loudly. “Very funny. I have some self-control, you know.”

“Not according to Trey!” Jake said, and set off another round of laughter. Great, so Aidan could assume everyone knew they’d had sex while Trey was in the room. The guys had probably already started texting other people from school about it. Not only were people going to know Aidan was sleeping with Richard, they’d know he didn’t have enough self-control to override his libido.

He did still prefer that to people knowing he was trans. At least Aidan being horny for Richard was something it made sense to treat him differently for.

The second game was rougher than the first one. This team was not taking it easy. Aidan wound up in the dirt more than once, although he didn’t get injured. Richard was in his element. While Aidan was on the sidelines, trying to catch his breath and hydrate after Coach subbed him out, he found it difficult not to watch him.

-

Former soccer player had to look up the rules of soccer for this story. Shameful. (It has been like...literally twenty years. It's not actually shameful, it's just annoying because dammit I still had an eidetic memory when I played soccer why can't I find that information in my brain it has to be there somewhere)

-

Jake elbowed Aidan. “Keep your mind on the game, perv,” he said.

“Shut up,” Aidan said reflexively, but he could feel himself turning red again. “Like you haven’t told us all a thousand times how hard it is not to pop a boner when you go to Crystal’s games.”

“Mm,” Jake said, nodding. “It is hot when people are good at things. Still, embarrassing to be into Richard.”

“If you guys don’t stop saying stuff like that, I’m going to tell you exactly what I enjoy about Richard,” Aidan said. If he chose his words carefully enough, he wouldn’t even be lying. “And I doubt he’d mind me bragging about his dick.”

Jake groaned. “He would not,” he agreed. “Okay, message received, I’ll shut up now.”

“Thank you,” Aidan said, as primly as he could. Jake laughed.

*

They lost the game, but only by a single point. Considering the other team had at one point managed a four point lead, they felt pretty good about that. After they showered and changed, there was a goofy little closing ceremony, but it was short. Not short enough that Aidan wasn’t ruing and lamenting his extremely sweaty binder. Being able to take a shower before this would be nice.

Except he didn’t know if he’d even be on the soccer team if he was out. Or be allowed to use the showers, if he was. It didn’t usually bother him this much, but two games’ worth of sweat made his binder unspeakably itchy.

-

Write what you know sometimes means writing about how fucking itchy binders are. Starting T made it so much more urgent for me to get top surgery because being extra-sweaty while binding is a nightmare.

-

Finally back in their hotel room, Aidan immediately started gathering his things for a shower. The bathroom here locked, and even if it was a pain getting back into a binder not fully dry–and if he was locked in the bathroom with his clothes, he never got totally dry–he had a clean one to change into, and he wouldn’t have to worry about Trey or anyone else seeing him.

“Hey,” Trey said, “I really am sorry about, like. Outing you both, I guess.”

“It’s fine,” Aidan said. He was dithering about if he could get out his clean binder while Trey was right here without him noticing. He didn’t keep his binders in the main pocket of the suitcase, since that was so easy to look into if someone walked by. Was that paranoid? Probably. But as much as binders didn’t look a lot like bras, they also didn’t really look like something a cis boy would have in their luggage. It might invite questions or investigation.

Richard flopped backward onto the bed, jostling Aidan’s suitcase. “I should have asked you not to say something,” he said. “It’s not your fault.”

“I mean,” Aidan said, “I don’t care if people know I’m bi. Honestly, everyone seems more shocked anyone would fuck you.”

“No one is shocked someone would fuck me,” Richard said, frowning. “They’re shocked you would fuck me.”

“Well, by the end of the day he was threatening to tell everyone all about the apparent wonders of your dick,” Trey said, “so at least the whole team understands my pain now.”

Aidan laughed. “Sorry,” he said.

Trey waved him off. “Anyway, I thought I’d clear out until dinner,” he said. “If you wanted to have sex without an audience for once.”

“Uh, thanks?” Aidan said. “But I’m going to enjoy a nice, private shower. Get all this damn dirt off.”

“Also valid,” Trey said. “Have fun.”

He left, the door clicking locked behind him. Aidan yanked off his shirt and threw it to the ground, then grabbed his binder and yanked that off, too. “Fucking hell,” Aidan said, scratching his chest. “That was too long in one binder.”

“Hey, you want me to get your back?” Richard asked.

On the one hand, that felt really intimate and kind of weird to let Richard do, but on the other hand, Aidan could not reach the itchiest parts of his back on his own. He shoved his suitcase to the foot of the bed and sat down with his back to Richard. “Please,” he said.

The mattress shifted as Richard moved over to sit behind Aidan. “My mom always asked my dad to scratch her back after workouts,” he said. “She said her sports bra was way worse than her regular bras for making her back itchy.” He ran the nails of both hands down either side of Aidan’s spine. Totally unable to help himself, Aidan moaned.

-

I spent my childhood scratching my mom and sister's backs after they took off their bras. Such an important part of being good friends to someone with boobs that require support, IMO. Also just like...the intimacy of this is so not sexual. Especially since Aidan is sweaty and feels gross right now. Although maybe that's my bias as someone who mostly did this for family members before I got married.

-

“More on the shoulder blades,” Aidan suggested.

Richard moved his hands up. “So, uh, sorry I didn’t tell Trey not to tell anyone,” he said.

“Hm?” It took Aidan a second to process that, lost as he was in the euphoria of having his itches relieved. “Oh. No, it’s okay. Like I said, I don’t care if people know I’m bi. And I mean, you heard them in the locker room, now they think I don’t change or shower with everyone because of you. That’s great for me. Not…as great for you, maybe.”

Richard was quiet for a minute. He moved his scratching down to the red mark the bottom of Aidan’s binder left, where it dug in. Eventually, Richard said, “It’s fine. Kind of weird, but whatever. It is strange to hear you’re giving out rave reviews of my dick, though.”

Aidan blushed even though Richard couldn’t see him. “You can’t be surprised by that,” he said. “Unless you think I’ve been faking it this whole time.”

Richard laughed. “No,” he admitted. He moved back up to Aidan’s shoulders. “I actually started wondering if some of the girls I was with before were faking. You know, in comparison.”

Aidan snorted. “Probably rude to assume,” he said. “I mean, if they said they liked it, I’d believe them.” Although he guessed it was possible some of them had been faking. Aidan would say this for having sex with someone just to get them to do what he wanted: he’d had no incentive to stroke Richard’s ego about how good he was making Aidan feel, which could very well have made Richard try harder. He hadn’t not tried to make it good for Aidan, at least.

“I guess,” Richard said. “Again, I don’t think any of them went around bragging about it.”

“It seemed like the best way to get a bunch of straight guys to stop asking questions about us,” Aidan said. “I don’t even have to lie.” He sighed, and stood up. “Thanks,” he said.

“No problem,” Richard said. He was looking up at Aidan with a weird expression on his face. Aidan wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it had been a mistake to let Richard scratch his back after everything else that had happened today.

Aidan unzipped the pocket of his suitcase he had his clean binder in, then paused. He looked up at Richard. “You’re not going to be coming in and out of the room, right?” he asked.

“No,” Richard said, looking puzzled. “I was just going to sit here and watch stuff on my phone.”

Aidan nodded. “Then I’m going to leave my clothes out here,” he said. “I mean, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

Richard grinned at him. “Yeah,” he said. He stopped leering and nodded his head at the bathroom. “I hate how moist my clothes get when I take them into hotel bathrooms. Even when they’re not wet, they’re, like, clammy.”

-

Richard is trying so hard to be Normal, I cannot deal with it

-

“Right?”

The water pressure in the hotel shower was crap, but the water heater was in no danger of running out of hot water. And again, this point could not be stressed enough: it was private. Aidan didn’t have to worry anyone would see him. Even on the other side of the door, there was only Richard, who already knew about him. Aidan had a long, adequate-to-satisfactory shower. He got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around his waist and draped another one over his head, then brushed his teeth and moisturized. Hotel bathrooms never had decent bathmats, either. And the towels just got completely wet right away if you tried to use them as bathmats. No wonder their clothes always felt wet.

-

Hotel bathrooms never have decent bathmats. This must be some kind of law.

-

Aidan dried his hair and tossed that towel over the door of the shower stall. He went out into the room with just the towel around his waist. Richard looked up and let out a low whistle.

“Fuck off,” Aidan said, rolling his eyes. He put on clean underwear, then the jeans he’d worn to and from the school where they’d played. Those were clean enough, although he was planning to put on a fresh shirt. He thought his torso still wasn’t dry enough to try putting on his binder, so he rubbed himself down with the towel again.

“I don’t want to prove everyone right,” Richard drawled, “but I have to admit watching this isn’t not turning me on.”

Aidan rolled his eyes again. “Yeah, there’s nothing sexier than me desperately trying to dry my back,” he said.

“It makes your boobs jiggle,” Richard said, which Aidan had to admit was true.

The door opened. Aidan jumped and completely lost hold of the towel. He snatched up his binder and held it in front of his chest, like that was going to do anything now. Richard leapt to his feet on the other side of the bed, which was about as useful.

Trey slammed the door behind him and leaned on it, as though someone was going to follow him in. His eyes were so wide they looked like they’d pop right out of his head. “You’re a girl?” he exclaimed, in the exact incredulous tone Richard had shouted those words in.

“Don’t be stupid,” Richard snapped, “of course he’s not a girl!”

Despite himself, Aidan laughed. “What the fuck,” he said. “Since when do you believe that?”

Richard flushed and opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted when Trey said from the door, “Oh, are you one of those, uh, people who was born in the wrong body?”

Aidan grimaced. He kind of hated that phrasing, because Aidan mostly liked his body. Even the parts of it that other people thought made him a girl were fine, on their own. Binding was more annoying than having boobs, honestly, but people wouldn’t treat him like a guy if he didn’t do it. But that was also still the main narrative cis people heard, and the only one they really seemed to understand. If Trey didn’t remember the word transgender, he reached for the definition he had in his head. Aidan said, “Yeah, I’m trans.”

-

I try not to soapbox too much when I'm writing, but it's so hard to know what people will or won't know about trans people, even writing for a primarily queer audience. This is definitely happening after I was in high school, because Richard talks about watching something on his phone, which was only barely possible when I graduated. I think this part also establishes, if less definitely, that it must be happening closer to its 2023 publication date than the 2005-2009 period I was in high school. Obviously I don't know if anyone at my high school was trans and stealth, but I do know the openly trans kids were generally the ones who either couldn't be closeted or had way too much dysphoria to stand it. Aidan doesn't have that much physical dysphoria (or at least has figured out how to manage it by the time the story happens) but he clearly has enough social dysphoria to lead him to being stealth. I figure he got lucky, relatively speaking, with boobs that bind flat enough to pass and a figure that doesn't immediately scream "my endocrine system was estrogen-dominant during a crucial period of physical development", but I did also make sure to establish really early on that he's on period-halting birth control and his physical dysphoria causes sexual problems for him. I try not to give every character just the exact relationship to their body and dysphoria that I or my wife have, because while that is obviously easier for me to write, I don't want to contribute to any ideas about there being a right or normal way to be trans. Aidan has different dysphoria than me even though I'm drawing a lot on my own experiences as someone who was assigned female at birth but was never entirely comfortable with it. It doesn't come up in this story, although I might write a little extra about it, but Aidan is not on testosterone during the story. I would have to do research about how exactly it works, but I'm in the USA, and I wrote this from the assumption it's set in the USA, so in the back of my head was the idea that Aidan's parents' insurance won't cover transition stuff before he's 18. I guess it's possible they also wouldn't cover it before he was 16, and he didn't want to draw attention to himself by starting second puberty in the middle of everyone else's first puberty. Richard absolutely thinks Aidan is on testosterone, because he's like "well this is what trans guys do and Aidan passes, therefore". Aidan is going to roast him about how stupid that is when Richard knows damn well that Aidan does not have to shave his face. The other stuff is in comparison, so Richard gets a pass on, eg, Aidan having a smaller clit and a higher voice, but facial hair growth is usually a pretty early development in testosterone puberty and Richard should have noticed that Aidan literally never has any stubble.

-

Unfortunately, at the same time, Richard snapped at Trey, “Don’t be insensitive, that’s an outdated way of talking about it.”

-

Growing up, I didn't know about my dad's lesbian best friend, I just knew he made lots of gay jokes. I'm pretty sure I learned the word dyke from my dad throwing it around in what I'm sure he thought was a jocular manner that was fine because Denise said it. But when my wife came out to him, he did a hard 180 on her (he had previously stopped liking her the instant it became clear we were dating) and sent her an excessively girly gift as...a coming out present? I guess? (Except he was a boomer and it was 2014, so he sent her a My Little Pony t-shirt. He tried, is my point.) Anyway I'm sure that's where my soft spot for people being aggressively progressive about things they themselves have been shitty about comes from. Sometimes it's hard to understand that context changes how things are received, especially if they're not the kind of person who thinks too much about the actual meaning of their words. I do think it also makes a nice change from the, like, soft progressivism. How soapboxy can it be when the guy snapping about misgendering is also cussing and rude the whole time? Anyway anyway: Richard clearly did a lot of research if he got in deep enough to see people talking about the "trapped in the wrong body" narrative being problematic and outdated. And still, he did not tell Aidan this. A fool.

-

“Are you kidding me?” Aidan demanded. “You’re telling someone not to be insensitive? You decided I was a girl the second you saw me naked, too! And then argued with me about it!” With one hand, he gestured at the door, which Trey was still leaning against like it or he would fall over otherwise. “At least Trey didn’t demand to fuck me!”

“Dude,” Trey said, and frowned at Richard, “what the hell.”

“Shut up, you did the same thing,” Richard said. He was blushing again.

“Screw you, no I did not,” Trey said. “Even if Aidan was a girl I wouldn’t demand sex with her! Who does that?”

“Okay, yeah, I guess that was fucked up,” Richard said.

“You guess?” Aidan and Trey both asked.

Richard threw his hands in the air. “Okay, it was definitely fucked up, but it worked out okay!” He pointed at Trey. “And you’re not gonna tell anyone about Aidan, right? You can tell this is a fucking secret, I hope.”

“Of course I won’t tell anyone,” Trey said, frowning. “What do you mean, it worked out okay? Aidan,” Trey said, looking at him, suddenly alarmed, “if you want to tell Coach or someone that Richard was, like, taking advantage of you, I’ll back you up.”

-

Trey belatedly realizing this situation is sus and panicking that he shouldn't have taken it in stride.

-

“If I was going to do that, it would be better to talk about it not in front of him,” Aidan pointed out. “But I’m not–it’s fine.”

Trey looked skeptical. “If you say so,” he said.

Aidan grabbed his binder from where he’d dropped it when he was yelling at Richard. “I mean, I think we…have some stuff to talk about,” he said. “But you don’t need to be here for that.” He started the process of pulling his binder back on.

“Yeah, why did you come back early anyway?” Richard asked.

Trey blinked and looked around the room. “Oh,” he said. “I left my wallet here. I was going to give Mark money for pizza.”

“Oh, do you think I can get in on that?” Aidan asked. He yanked on the bottom of his binder to get it down where it was most comfortable.

“Sure,” Trey said. He was not looking at Aidan in a way that felt unfortunately pointed, but Aidan guessed that was better than staring. “I mean, if he hasn’t already ordered.”

“It’s only been a few minutes, I’m sure it’s fine,” Aidan said. He turned around to dig his wallet out of his backpack. He heard Trey cross the room to go through his stuff as well. Richard sat back down on the edge of the bed, where he’d been when Trey opened the door.

When Aidan walked around the bed to meet Trey and give him the cash, Trey glanced over at Richard. He asked Aidan quietly, “You sure you’ll be okay if I leave you alone?”

Aidan made an effort not to roll his eyes. “Yeah,” he said. He understood where Trey was coming from, but it was…Aidan didn’t know what it was, but it had been a long time since he didn’t feel safe around Richard. Richard never had hurt him, or even threatened him directly. Aidan apparently had no clue what was going on in Richard’s head, but he was less worried about being alone with him than ever. Maybe that was foolish. But nothing had changed for him since he reassured Mark earlier that day.

When Trey was gone, Aidan turned to Richard, who was still sitting on the edge of the bed. “Okay, first of all,” Aidan said, “since when do you actually believe I’m a guy?”

Richard blushed and looked away. “Since like…the second week we were doing it,” he said. “I got curious and looked up some of the stuff you said online, and…yeah.”

“What the hell,” Aidan said. Thinking back, Aidan guessed it was true Richard hadn’t said nearly as much gendered bullshit after the first few times. Aidan had still been expecting it for weeks afterward, and been on edge about it the whole time, but Richard hadn’t actually called Aidan a girl again. Of course, he also hadn’t said anything to imply he understood Aidan was a guy until last night, when he called Aidan a faggot. Aidan asked, “Why didn’t you say something? Jesus, Richard, half the reason I didn’t want to fuck you is because I thought you thought I was a girl!”

“I thought if you knew I believed you, you wouldn’t let me keep having sex with you,” Richard said, his shoulders up around his ears.

Aidan stared at him. At least it looked like Richard knew he’d messed up. Aidan shook his head and asked, “Why would you believing me when I said I wasn’t a girl change the fact that I didn’t want other people to know? I agreed to have sex with you so you’d keep your mouth shut.”

“I don’t know!” Richard exclaimed. “I wasn’t thinking straight, I just knew I’d somehow managed to get you to–” He snapped his mouth closed on whatever he had been about to say. He started again. “I worried if I said anything,” he said, “you’d realize this was stupid.”

-

He didn't want to say he'd somehow managed to get Aidan to fuck him, because that sounds bad. Because it was bad!

-

Aidan rolled his eyes. He walked back to his side of the bed and pulled his clean shirt on. “I already knew it was stupid,” he said. “But it’s slightly less stupid if you’re not thinking I’m a girl the whole time.”

“That’s not true,” Richard said. He looked over his shoulder at Aidan and laughed. “Aidan, it’s so stupid. I’m so stupid.”

“Well, yeah,” Aidan said, adjusting his shirt. “But, you know, on the bright side, you’re a good lay.”

-

Ani Mosity stories: yes your personality is atrocious, but you're good in bed, so it's kind of a wash tbh

-

Richard laughed again, sounding a little manic. He dropped his head and put his face in his hands. “Okay,” he said. “Can I–can we start over?”

“What?” Aidan asked.

“Ugh, no,” Richard muttered, “I’m doing this all wrong. At least I can’t get it worse this time, I guess.” He sat up and turned to look at Aidan. He was blushing again. “I already had a crush on you,” he said. “That’s why I was such an asshole all the time. I didn’t–I didn’t realize that’s what it was until that time in the locker room. And then I thought you were a girl and I realized I had a crush on you, except then you weren’t a girl but I couldn’t convince myself I didn’t have that crush on you. And the whole time you were letting me fuck you and it seemed like, you know, you didn’t hate it. So I decided if I didn’t say anything it was fine, because, like…at least you’d keep having sex with me.”

After a moment, Aidan said, “Wow. No, you’re right, that’s very stupid.”

“I know,” Richard moaned. “I’m sorry.” He took a deep breath. “I won’t tell anyone if you want to stop. I mean, I won’t tell anyone no matter what. That you’re transgender. I don’t know if it makes sense to not tell anyone we’re not hooking up anymore. And, well.” He waved at the outer wall of the hotel room, indicating the walkway. “I don’t think I’m gonna convince anyone we weren’t hooking up.”

Aidan let out a deep breath. “Thank god,” he said.

Richard looked over at him as he sat down on the bed next to Richard. “Huh?”

“Trey was worried just now because it would be really stupid to keep fucking someone who was blackmailing me,” Aidan said. “But if you’re not blackmailing me anymore, then it’s way less stupid to keep fucking you.”

Richard frowned, confused but hopeful. “You don’t want to stop?”

“I mean, we just established I enjoy sex with you enough to use it as a weapon against nosy people,” Aidan said. “So I guess the question is, do you want to just keep hooking up, or do you want to go out with me?”

Richard’s mouth fell open. “You would date me? After all this?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Aidan said, “it’s totally about the sex for me. But even when you were blackmailing me, you were, like. Less shitty than you could have been. You know, helping me in and out of my binder and stuff. So why not? You already said you like me.”

“I do,” Richard said. “Fuck, Aidan,” he said, turning to face him and grabbing Aidan’s hands, “I’ll be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. I swear I’ll be less of a stupid asshole.”

“You’ll be the only boyfriend I’ve ever had,” Aidan said. He could feel himself blushing again. He was used to Richard being handsy and kind of smug about it. He wasn’t used to Richard being earnest. Even at practice, Richard was usually more snarky than sincere. It was disarming, as well as cute.

“Really?” Richard asked. He looked pleased.

“I mean, I had a girlfriend in middle school, if middle school dating even counts,” Aidan said. They hadn’t done more than kiss. Aidan hadn’t been out then–hadn’t really known he was trans beyond vague discomfort with the idea of being a “young woman”–but Melissa talked a lot about how hot butches and cross-dressers were. That had been Aidan’s introduction to the idea that people could play with gender for reasons other than sex. He and Melissa went to a dance once in matching dress shirts and ties.

- The idea of middle school wlw attending a dance in matching suits is very cute. I bet Melissa is also not cis!

-

“I feel like if my middle school girlfriend ever found out I said it didn’t, she’d appear out of nowhere and wring my neck,” Richard said. He leaned over, taking one of his hands off Aidan’s and putting it on his jaw. It was surreal, to have Richard kiss him gently like this. Even when he’d thought Aidan was a girl, he had been too horned up to bother being gentle.

-

Richard's middle school relationship was tsundere-for-tsundere.

-

It made Aidan perversely turned on. Or maybe he was just used to only having sex with Richard. Either way, he pulled away, then swung his leg over Richard’s lap to straddle him. He stooped down to kiss Richard again.

A little while later, Aidan pulled back just enough to ask, “How long do you think we have before Trey gets back?”

Of course, that was when the lock beeped, and the door scraped open. Aidan slumped in Richard’s lap. Richard murmured, “Not long.”

“Oh, great,” Trey said, closing the door behind him. “So talking about things just made you horny again.”

“It is our god-given right as teenagers to be horny all the time,” Aidan said, craning his neck to see Trey.

“What are you, some kind of homophobe?” Richard asked. “I’m not allowed to make out with my own boyfriend?” Yeah, Aidan already found the hypocrisy endearing instead of obnoxious. Was he that easily swayed by good sex or did he just have bad taste?

“Good lord, this trip has been a nightmare,” Trey said. He walked over to his bed and grabbed his hoodie off of it. “Joey wanted to do a movie night after the pizza got here, so I can give you two hours alone, and if you have sex while I’m in the room after that I’m going to smother you with your pillows.”

“Sounds fair,” Richard said.

“You are a lion among men,” Aidan said to Trey over his shoulder. “A diamond in the rough.”

“You sound like you’re drunk,” Trey said, rolling his eyes. “Is the sex that good?” He shook his head. “Don’t answer that. Just keep it in your pants until the pizza gets here.”

“Thank you!” Aidan climbed out of Richard’s lap, because he didn’t trust either of them if he stayed there. He looked at Richard from beside him. “You should eat dinner before that, then.”

“Yeah,” Richard said, looking back at Aidan. He started blushing again, and Aidan couldn’t imagine why. Then Richard asked, “Will you walk with me?”

“This might actually be worse than hearing you have sex,” Trey muttered.

Aidan laughed. “This is at least partially your fault,” he said, leaning over to grab his shoes.

“You must know that makes it worse,” Trey said.

“Sucks to suck,” Richard said. Yeah, Aidan probably needed to resign himself to the idea he had bad taste.

Still, once they both had their shoes and jackets on, Aidan followed Richard out of the hotel room. Richard hesitated a moment, then reached out for Aidan’s hand. Aidan took it, and they walked through the hotel and down the street to the Taco Bell, holding hands the whole way.

-

Teen romance can be complicated, and teen romance can be holding hands while you walk to a fast food joint. This was not a story I had trouble ending! It happened sooner than I expected, as you may be able to tell by the fact that it is under 10k words, but I feel good about the tight time-frame everything happens in. We don't need to see the months of having weird transactional sex, we just need to see the effects of it, with both boys being comfortable with each other, and Richard clearly being more into Aidan than Aidan realizes. Once someone else knows about it and starts asking questions, there's no reason to draw it out.

[redwineconversation]

Australia - Ireland Postgame Thoughts

Blah blah not doing this for every game, I feel like I am going to DIE I am so tired so idk how those who are chronically online manage to do this on a daily basis, etc etc. Pls send Red Bull or Starbucks, I need it so badly.

I still don't think that Australia is going to win and I have reservations that they will go deep, but they won the first game at home in front of a pretty big crowd. It's not that I thought nerves would get to them, but I wasn't exactly sure how they would handle the nerves either, if that makes sense.

What I wasn't concerned about was them handling Ireland's physicality. It's interesting to me because I don't think that Australia is "physical" in the traditional footballing sense of the term, more that they are athletic. But because of the athleticism they were able to cope with McCabe's traditional definition of defending.

For me, McCabe is the ultimate "what if" player. She's good, she's talented, I like her left foot. I am more than happy to acknowledge all of that. But holy crap does she lack structure / self-control, and I wish she would find herself in a team where reckless fouls had consequences rather than be encouraged. One of these days McCabe is going to cause an extremely severe injury to another player. When it happens, Arsenal fans will hand wave it away, saying that McCabe is "not that kind of player" and that she "didn't mean it." (second part I will probably concede)

I don't think McCabe actually wants to severely injure another player. At least, I hope she doesn't want to. But I also think it's only a matter of time before she will, because these reckless tackles are done intentionally. It's done with the intent to foul, to show that neither she or her team will be bullied. I'm fine with a team wanting to prove they are top dog. I'm less fine with it if the only way to do it is dirty fouls.

Steph Catley is under-rated. Her penalty was really well taken, excluding the last 10 minutes or so she managed to keep her team's composure under control pretty well, and she didn't let the occasion overwhelm her. I'm rapidly developing a soft spot for her but only as long as she plays for Australia.

Vine and Cooney-Cross are two of the younger players I really, really like. I do think they will be snatched up by bigger European teams if not this summer then by the end of next season for sure. They're fun to watch in that they're, well, quiet, just keep their head down and do their job.

One day Carpenter will cross accurately and I will finally know peace. Her finishing is something that definitely needs work. The plus side is she is young and it will happen - especially because she is working on it at both club and national team level. It's nice knowing she has room to grow, it's frustrating that there are growing pains. Overall I don't think her game was much to write home about in that she too just did her job without having to do anything flashy. I'd rather not notice my defenders because if you do then it means something is going wrong. The heat mat shows her exactly where she should be - defending on the lower right side of the field. So I guess it's a give and take: yes I would rather her crosses weren't on a "lob it into the box and hope for the best" level, but she also was defending a fair amount this game, which is kind of her job.

There's a dig to be made about the McCabe - Littlejohn - Foord drama but realistically I don't think it impacted the outcome of the game that much so it is what it is I guess.

Obvious penalty, dumb act to concede it. Not sure why people were up in arms about it when Raso was already getting fouled probably more than anyone (is there an actual tally? I got that impression during the game but it was also 3am and I was regretting my life choices). Shoving someone in the back in the box will always result in a penalty, particularly when they end up going to ground because of it, so yeah. Not sure why there were complaints about it. Raso didn't even dive.

Finally, just want to say thank you for New Zealand for delivering on #UpsetsWelcome from the very first game. I'd say I don't think there should be any surprises in tomorrow's games but I'd also have put real money that we would never see Hegerberg questioning her life choices while ending up as Norway's LB, so I guess never say never.

[nursingwriter]

Fredrick Herzberg Motivational Hygiene Theory The theories of Fredrick Herzberg differentiate between the needs of managers on the one hand to gain productivity and performance from workers and on the other intrinsically enhances their jobs to foster long-term commitment (Herzberg, 1976). As a result, Herzberg's Motivational Hygiene Theory is divided into those basic factors, or as he called them Hygiene factors, needed to be present for employees to alleviate feelings of job dissatisfaction. Herzberg believed that at a minimum the Hygiene factors in a job needed to be present if an employee was going to be able to progress to being motivated (Herzberg, 1987). Dr. Herzberg found that these Hygiene factors were extrinsic to the employee and included job security, pay, working conditions, status within the organization relative to other employees, salary quality and trust of supervision, and relationships with peers, supervisors and subordinates. The Motivators in the Motivational Hygiene Theory are seen as the catalysts of moving employees from not satisfied with their roles to be satisfied. Inherent in the model is not purely the attainment of satisfaction through self-actualized bur rather the alleviation of pain by minimizing dissatisfying factors in job designs and responsibilities (Backer, 1973). Most critical about the structure of the Motivational Hygiene Theory is implication of keeping each of these two foundational elements in balance with each other. Studies of workers' generation differences as they relate to the Motivators in the Motivational Hygiene Theory shows that Gen Y workers are the most demanding of any recent generation in the balance of Hygiene and Motivator factors in the definition of their job designs (Baldonado, Spangenburg, 2009). As a result, this model is often used for evaluating manager's abilities to create jobs that can be scaled to support intrinsic motivators while also seeking to stabilize the Hygiene factors of the model. An Analysis of Herzberg's Motivation Hygiene Theory What differentiates Herzberg's two factor theory is that it also takes into account a third dominant variable, and that is the environment, as the reaction to Hygiene factors is to satiate while Motivators are the catalyst for exceptional achievement through the internalization of the core objectives of the role and its responsibilities. What also differentiates this model is the fact that it has been proven empirically in hundreds of studies, the most noteworthy being an analysis of Hygiene vs. Motivators for workers in highly skilled, technical publications. According to Backer (1973) Herzberg's theory has been validated in a study of 203 accountants and engineers, where technical professionals were asked their main sources of job satisfaction and dissatisfaction. Backer's analysis centered on asking technical professionals to describe those situations and occurrences when they felt most and least in control of their work, and most and least attuned to job satisfaction over time. The results of this study of technical professionals indicate that a stability level of Hygiene factors lead to no job satisfaction, merely a reduction in job dissatisfaction (Backer, 1973). It was also found that through the study, the Motivators as defined in the Motivational Hygiene Theory were statistically more significant and greater predicators of job satisfaction relative to the presence of absence of Hygiene factors (Backer, 1973). These findings also suggest that the role of Hygiene factors is that of satiating or creating a baseline level of minimum satiation, not satisfaction, with a given job and its roles (Chapman, 2009). This study of technical professionals also successfully differentiated the role of the environment in the context of the development of successful Motivational factors as well. An additional study completed by Dr. Herzberg in 1968 (Herzberg, 1987) found through attitudinal surveys and research measurements that found that the catalysts of dissatisfaction within a job were more attributable to the external environment (Herzberg, 1987) including the physical and emotional environment, flexibility vs. rigidity of corporate policies and procedures, degree of closeness and trust or lack of trust in interpersonal relationships, and the perception of equality of pay and benefits (Herzberg, 1987). Additional environmental factors included the consistency and perceived equitability of compensation across all management levels and the potential for a balanced work/life balance (Herzberg, 1987). Herzberg could just as easily could have called the Hygiene factors the "saturators" and the Motivators as the "enablers" of significant performance gains over time which is how Gen Y workers react to the constructs of the model today (Baldonado, Spangenburg, 2009). Table 1: Motivators and Hygiene Factors Compared (Herzberg, 1987) illustrates graphically the differences between each of these two sets of attributes that comprise the model. Table 1: Motivational Hygiene Theory Each of the factors that comprise the model is briefly discussed here. Achievement -- Often defined as the successful completion of a task, this attribute anchors the Motivators area of the Motivational Hygiene Theory model. Recognition of achievement -- Herzberg meant for this to include recognition from anyone in the organization from a co-worker to a client to a superior. Herzberg mentions in his theories that recognition that combines the verbal and visual are the most effective (Herzberg, 1987). The Work itself -- Only after a worker has been able to have their Hygiene factors met can they attain the level of satisfaction with the work itself, and this came out of the study of technical professionals cited earlier in this analysis (Backer, 1973). Responsibility -- Related to the three most critical areas of learning and job achievement which are autonomy, mastery and purpose, responsibility is an intrinsic motivation within any job and once internalized, signals an employee is seeking to achieve not just limit sources of dissatisfaction (Baldonado, Spangenburg, 2009). Advancement -- the progression within a job position that associates correlate to increased responsibility over time. Advancement can also be relative in the context of free time and the opportunity to seek balance in ones' career, which is a primary concern of Gen Y and younger workers (Baldonado, Spangenburg, 2009). Personal growth -- Another relative term that defines the level of intrinsic satisfaction and growth a person experiences once the Hygiene factors within their job have been met. The ability to design jobs so there is inherent personal growth within them is also critical for this model to scale across entire organizations as well by employees internalizing the factors associated with it (Herzberg, 1987). Hygiene factor listed here are seen as "satiators" which alleviate job dissatisfaction yet do not create inherent satisfaction on their own. These include the following: Status -- From symbols to salutations in meetings, these are relatively meaningless in driving up satisfaction. Status is a satiator, not a motivator. Security -- the sense of security in a job of not being at risk of being fired and having acceptable medical benefits. Relationship with subordinates -- the morale of an organization and how employees interact with each other is essential in this area. Personal life -- Gen Y workers seek this Hygiene factors for balance in their lives, having seen their parents sacrifice their entire lives for their jobs (Baldonado, Spangenburg, 2009). Relationship with peers -- the morale of an organization and the level of trust between peers and superiors. Salary -- Ironically this is a Hygiene factor, not a motivator. This illustrates Herzberg's belief that for true job satisfaction to occur the job's responsibilities and roles would need to be internalized. Work conditions -- the basic work conditions in terms of safety, cleanliness and ability to concentrate on ones' job. This has also been seen as a factor in overall Hygiene factor acceptance or rejection (Herzberg, 1987). Relationship with supervisor -- the most common reason for a subordinate leaving an organization is lack of congruence and understanding with their boss. This Hygiene factor seeks to define the level of trust with supervisors as a Hygiene factors and critical prerequisite for overall Motivation to occur. Trust is a critical catalyst of transitioning from Hygiene to Motivation (Baldonado, Spangenburg, 2009). Company policy and administration -- Often cited as a critical catalyst of dissatisfaction (Kreitner & Kinicki, 2001) company policy and administration can either be flexible enough to serve as Hygiene factors or constrictive in their approach and prematurely stop motivation before it occurs. Herzberg considers this Hygiene factor the most difficult to successfully transition over the long-term as cultures dictate policies in many organizations (Herzberg, 1987). Supervision -- Closely tied to trust, the supervision of an employee can either be a catalyst of trust and set the foundation for greater motivation or not. According to Herzberg this factor is most critical in transitioning an employee from being centered on Hygiene or satiation factors to motivational ones. References Backer (1973) Motivating Workers. Johannesburg: McGraw-Hill Baldonado, a., and J. Spangenburg. 2009. Leadership and the Future: Gen Y Workers and Two-Factor Theory. Journal of American Academy of Business, Cambridge 15, no. 1, (September 1): 99-103 Chapman, n.d.- Frederick Herzberg Motivational Theory Available from: http://www.mftrou.com/frederick-herzberg-theory.html Accessed on September 19, 2009. Herzberg (1976) the Managerial Choice: to be efficient and to be human. Dow Jones-Irwin: Homewood, Illinois Herzberg, Frederick. 1987. One More Time: How Do You Motivate Employees? Harvard Business Review, September 1, 109. Kreitner & Kinicki (2001) Organizational Behavior. New York: Irwin / McGraw-Hill Read the full article

[ayakamizu]

FFXIV Write 2024 Day 11 - Surrogate

Surrogate: Noun. A substitute. Characters: Estinien Wyrmblood, Krile Baldesion, Tataru Taru Expansion: Shadowbringers Rating: G Notes: I saw this as one of the definitions and immediately decided to take a stab at what the initial meeting between these three would've looked like when it came to asking Estinien for help. Estinien's POV. Has spoilers for 4.5 and the start of Shadowbringers!

It’s not every day that Estinien finds himself flanked by two Lalafell women—two specific Lalafell women, at that. He recognizes the pink haired one—Tataru, he thinks—immediately from her time in Ishgard, but the one in yellow was unknown to him. He could hazard a guess that she was an associate of the Scions given the pink one’s presence here and the brief glimpses he caught of her in Ala Mhigo with Alphinaud and Ayaka.

Despite the height difference, they made for a surprisingly fierce and confident pair. The look in their eyes was not to be trifled with and neither was the way they managed to hunt him down relentlessly.

“Can I help both of you?” he asked, eyeing the pair suspiciously. How they managed to find him this time, he wasn’t sure.

“Ser Estinien,” the yellow one started, holding her head up high. “My name is Krile Baldesion and it is imperative that I have a word with you.”

The gravity of her words didn’t bode well. “About what?” he asked tensely. Why would a Scion come looking for him unless— 

He thinks about Ayaka’s head clenched in pain before that false prince. The way that girl with her—the one that looked so much like Alphinaud—collapsed to the ground. “Did something happen?”

Tataru’s face crumpled for a moment. Krile clenched her fist, lips pursed.

“Perhaps it would be best if we spoke in private?” Krile suggested. “Tataru and I have an inn room rented here that would suffice well.”

“Very well,” he agreed, keeping his heart from leaping out of his chest.

_____________________________________

It goes like this.

The Scions were… pulled somewhere. Their bodies and souls separated in a manner that was unknown to even the most experienced healers. According to Ayaka, a robed figure who needed her help was the source of this affliction—though accidental from what he claimed. 

(“Ayaka relayed to us that he was only attempting to ‘Call’ her,” Krile explained, though she seemed far from pleased with it.

From his perch against the wall, Estinien raised one of his brows in disbelief. “Sounds like he has bad aim if he was targeting her.”)

Tataru, having been the last person to see Ayaka, said that she disappeared—completely and utterly—upon picking up some strange device. Much different from what the Scions experienced, but an unexpected boon in that regard. Krile, as Tataru continued, had her hands full enough with keeping the other Scions’ bodies healthy and intact for whenever their souls could return. Adding Ayaka to the mix would’ve required more help—and left them vulnerable.

“As far as we know, the Empire isn’t aware of the Warrior of Light’s absence entirely from our world,” Krile started, yellow robes bunched up in her fists. “As it stands, the Alliance is holding the frontline well. The Ascian wearing Zenos’ face is our only concern, but he has his hands full masquerading as the imperial prince.”

Estinien tapped a finger against his forearm in contemplation. “And this is where I come in?”

The two nodded, though one more enthusiastically than the other. “Yes! As it stands, the secondary members of our Order have their hands full with their own tasks,” Tataru said. “And none of them are very… combat oriented. At least not to the level of extent that Ayaka is.”

Now the picture was becoming clearer. “You need me to fight in her stead.”

It was more of a statement rather than a question, but it still begged an answer. “Yes,” Krile confirmed, sitting up straighter. “Both Alphinaud and Ayaka have spoken highly of your battle prowess. Ayaka, especially, considers you an equal in terms of sheer strength and—”

“I’m not exactly the Warrior of Light though,” he interrupted, praying the tips of his ears weren’t burning red. By the Fury, did those two really think that of him?

The blue of her eyes held a fire in them. “No one is,” Krile stated matter-of-factly. “But, by her own words, you are as strong as her.” The way she stared at him made him think she knew this herself rather than believe it through secondhand accounts.

“Please,” Tataru whispered, drawing his attention away from Krile’s gaze. “W-We can pay you! Just— Please, Ser Estinien, you’re the best person we have to ask this of.”

‘The only one, if Ayaka’s own words were to go by,’ he thought.

“Think it over,” Krile suggested instead, cutting through the tension in the room. She placed a linkpearl on the table between them, eyeing him expectantly. “You can contact us with this once you’ve come to a decision.”

“Alright then,” he said, knowing a dismissal when he heard one. He looked away from Tataru out of privacy, allowing her silent cries to go unnoticed. No doubt Krile would be better at comforting her than he would. “I’ll… give you an answer by tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” Krile said, the tension leaving her shoulders by the barest amount.

He nodded once before turning towards the door, the linkpearl clenched in his fist as he closed the door behind him. 

A dire situation indeed. One he couldn’t rightfully ignore.

[mellowgoateeballoon]

 Understanding and Managing Chronic Diseases

Chronic diseases, such as heart disease, diabetes, and chronic respiratory conditions, are long-term health issues that require ongoing management. Unlike acute illnesses that appear suddenly and are resolved in a short period, chronic diseases develop slowly and can persist for years, affecting the quality of life and potentially leading to severe complications.

Understanding Chronic Diseases

Definition and Common Types: Chronic diseases are typically characterized by their duration and slow progression. Common chronic conditions include:

Cardiovascular Diseases: Including heart disease and stroke.

Diabetes: A metabolic disorder affecting blood sugar regulation.

Chronic Respiratory Diseases: Such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and asthma.

Cancer: A group of diseases involving abnormal cell growth.

https://nursing-healthcare.universeconferences.com/virtual-registration/Arthritis: A disorder causing joint inflammation and pain.

Causes and Risk Factors: The development of chronic diseases is influenced by a combination of genetic, environmental, and lifestyle factors. Key risk factors include:

Unhealthy Diet: High in sugars, salts, and fats.

Physical Inactivity: Lack of regular exercise.

Tobacco Use: Leading cause of many chronic diseases.

Excessive Alcohol Consumption: Increases the risk of several chronic conditions.

Environmental Exposures: Pollution and exposure to hazardous substances.

Managing Chronic Diseases

Effective management of chronic diseases involves a comprehensive approach that includes medical treatment, lifestyle modifications, and ongoing monitoring.

Medical Treatment:

Medications: Prescribed to manage symptoms and control disease progression. For example, insulin for diabetes or beta-blockers for heart disease.

Regular Check-Ups: Routine visits to healthcare providers for monitoring and adjustments to treatment plans.

Lifestyle Modifications:

Healthy Diet: Emphasize fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. Limit processed foods, sugars, and saturated fats.

Regular Exercise: Engage in at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity per week, along with muscle-strengthening activities.

Quit Smoking: Seek support and resources to stop smoking, significantly reducing the risk of many chronic diseases.

Limit Alcohol: Consume alcohol in moderation, if at all.

Stress Management: Practice relaxation techniques such as yoga, meditation, or deep-breathing exercises.

Self-Monitoring and Education:

Track Health Metrics: Regularly monitor blood pressure, blood sugar levels, and other relevant health indicators.

Patient Education: Understand the condition, treatment options, and the importance of adherence to prescribed therapies.

Support Systems:

Healthcare Teams: Work with a multidisciplinary team including doctors, nurses, dietitians, and physical therapists.

Community Resources: Utilize support groups, community health programs, and educational workshops.

Conclusion

Managing chronic diseases requires a proactive and sustained effort involving medical treatment, lifestyle changes, and continuous education. By understanding the nature of these conditions and adopting a holistic approach to management, individuals can lead healthier, more fulfilling lives despite the challenges posed by chronic diseases. Regular consultations with healthcare providers, adherence to treatment plans, and lifestyle adjustments are key to effectively managing these long-term health issues.