#it's close between hardbacks and paperbacks

[theneptuneviolin]

Tagged by @drasnianfrank to answer questions about books

hardcover or paperback// bookstore or library // bookmark or receipt// stand alone or series // nonfiction or fiction // thriller or fantasy // under 300 pages or over 300 pages // children's or ya // friends to lovers or enemies to lovers // read in bed or read on the couch // read at night or read in the morning // keep pristine or markup // cracked spine or dog ear

Tagging anyone who who wants to do this!

[lilpunkrock]

where you go (i will go) — part xii

Summary: When new events transpire in both your unconscious and the Waking World, you’re forced to confront that which you’ve been running from.

Words: 7.1k+

AN: I can honestly say this was my favorite part to write yet. I hope that feeling translates to all of you. Enjoy. x . . .

“Meet me where the lines blur together, it’s 4 AM and I can’t sleep…

I’m love sick, love sober; you left the light on when I had a broken heart.

I was free in the fall, now I’m lost in the moment;

I can breathe through the night even when it is hopeless;

You make me feel homesick."

Homesick, Dayseeker

. . . The honey-gold sand of the beach feels soft and fine between your toes. As a new wave of tide pulls toward you, you stretch your sun-kissed feet toward it, eager to dip them in the clear blue water.

Though your thick copy of Le Morte d’Arthur lays open in your hands, your attention is directed elsewhere. Mere feet away, Fake Dream sits on the beach, one long leg extended in front of him, the other drawn close to his chest. It provides the perfect perch for his arm and the well-worn copy of Eugene Onegin he holds in one hand. His sharp chin is dipped in concentration, his pink lips pursed as if to read the words aloud. His ocean eyes devote each word rapt attention, lingering thoughtfully on some pages before pulling slowly to others.

With each page his nimble fingers turn, a fuzzy warmth settles in your chest, swaddling your heart like cashmere. You suspect you could sit here like this forever. Given that none of this is real, you suppose you could.

As your eyes pull from his studious face, you can’t help but smile at the way his black cloak spills around him, rippling over the sand. A tiny sand crab scuttles over it, stopping to tug at his hem with one minuscule claw. You laugh through your nose at the sight, trying to be quiet, but the sound does not escape Fake Dream. His eyes are upon you instantly, wide and alert. “You are judging me,” he says, brow quirked and voice underlaid with mirth.

You shake your head at him, biting back your grin. “No, no, I’m not. It’s just nice to see you reading something other than a record of dreams, that’s all.” Your eyes settle on the slight curl at the corners of Eugene Onegin’s cover, the faded color of its well-worn paperback spine. “You know, if anyone had asked me before today, I definitely would have pegged you as an old Russian literature kind of guy. I know they say not to judge a book by its cover, but yours is pretty worn. I assume this isn’t your first time reading it?”

Dream cocks his head slightly, considering your words. “I appreciate literature from all cultures, though this piece is one I often come back to.” He pauses, blue eyes studying you thoughtfully. “Have you read it?”

“I haven’t.” You look down at the hefty copy of Le Morte d’Arthur in your hands, the cover faded slightly from the ghost of your own past readings. “Have you read mine?” you ask.

“I have.”

You roll your eyes at him with a chuckle. Of course he has. He probably planted the idea in Sir Thomas Malory’s mind himself. “What makes you keep coming back to that one?” you inquire, curious.

Fake Dream pauses, lowering his pale gaze to the novel in his hands. His thumb traces the edge of one page slowly, almost caringly. Reverent. A shiver trails down your spine in spite of the warm sun above. “I suppose I have never fully grasped the theme at the heart of it, though I suspect I am starting to.” His eyes rise to meet yours. “Regardless of how many times I read it, there is always more to learn.”

Your fingertips press into the hardback in your hands a little tighter. “Yes, yes there is.” . . . The crisp chill of winter nips at your cheeks affectionately as you emerge from Cliff’s coffee shop. The coffee in your hand is warm against your skin, the heat of the liquid seeping easily through the thin paper to-go cup. It reminds you of the searing of Desire’s thread against your palm, a memory that burns bright and fresh in your brain.

The thread of desire you’d encountered in the diner by the sea had only been the beginning. In the couple of weeks since you’d attempted to break it, you’d spent a portion of each morning finding another thread of Desire’s to attempt to destroy. It was painful work, a pursuit that demanded patience and persistence. Though you’d been unsuccessful in breaking one so far, you’d noticed a shift in the power within you. With each attempt, you found yourself capable of holding on to the threads for longer and longer.

Unfortunately, as your power seemed to intensify, so too did the bond’s resistance to you. The last thread you’d tried to break had resulted in a lash of pain through your abdomen so jarring that you’d dropped to your knees. A couple hours-worth of rest in bed were required before you’d been able to travel to the Dreaming that day. Convincing yourself that injury was a figment of your imagination had been harder than the rest.

As you weave through the weekday morning throng, making your way back to your townhome, a familiar head of blonde hair approaches you through the crowd. Speak of the devil. Your heartbeat quickens as Desire of the Endless falls into step beside you effortlessly. Besides for Death, you imagine that Desire spends the greatest amount of time walking amongst mortals. Their experience allows them to blend into the crowd seamlessly. Only you are aware of the predator that lurks in their midst.

Purposefully avoiding Desire’s golden gaze, you rack your brain for reasons why the Endless would approach you today. A jolt of fear spikes through you at the thought that they might know about your attempts to destroy their handiwork. Determined to hold your ground, you focus on the memory of the pain in your hand. Harnessing your anger, crowding out the fear. “Hello, Desire,” you say, your voice firm and monotone.

“Ah, she speaks. I was wondering when you’d stop giving me the cold shoulder.”

Your fingers tighten around your coffee cup at Desire’s exaggerated, saccharine tone. When they lean forward, trying to capture your attention, you keep your eyes trained forward. “It’s only been a couple of weeks since I was last in your insufferable presence. My apologies if I don’t have much to say.”

“Ooo, touchy, touchy,” Desire sings, their voice pitching with glee. “I must say, I like this new ‘bad bitch’ look on you, darling. Tail-tucked, woe-is-me Love was growing so boring.”

You grind your teeth as anger and embarrassment flare through you in equal measure. The familiar green door of your townhome is within sight now. Your feet move quickly beneath you. “What do you want, Desire?”

“Oh, you know, darling. Just wanted to check in on my dear old friend.” Sensing your haste, Desire quickens their pace, spinning flamboyantly to walk backwards in front of you. When your stride falters, a wide grin splits their face, all sharp teeth and sweet malice. “I sense a shift in you, little goddess. Perhaps there is something I can help you with. Something you desire?”

Their words send every muscle in your body tensing, instantly on edge. Could they know about the thread between you and Dream? Surely not. Desire had no reason to assume such a thing might be possible and no cause for investigating it. Even you still didn’t know whether the philia attachment between yourself and the Dream Lord was platonic or romantic. The thought of checking was a constant presence in the back of your mind, a curiosity that made you equally excited and nauseous. You’d refused to indulge it thus far.

A master of deception, determining whether Desire was lying or not was nearly impossible. Biting the inside or your cheek, you quicken your pace and slip around them. “Perhaps you should take a page from your brother’s book and cease meddling in the affairs of other deities,” you retort, calling their bluff.

Desire slips into step beside you once again, their eyes wide pools of molten gold. Your townhome door draws closer by the second. Just a little farther. You’re almost there. “Ah, yes, Dream. You two have been spending a lot of time together lately, have you not?” Desire presses toward you, demanding your attention. “How’s that going for you?”

You fish into your pocket for your keys with haste, taking the final steps to your front door in a rush. “Goodbye, Desire,” you call with feigned nonchalance. Heart in your throat, you unlock the door and slip through the crack, slamming it in the Endless’s face before they have the chance to protest.

The silence that greets you on the other side of the door feels heaven-sent. You draw in a deep breath, allowing the stillness of the air to fill your lungs, holding it there. Hoping to clear Desire’s words from your frantic mind.

Perhaps there is something I can help you with. Something you desire?

You give a rough shake of your head, as if doing so might dispel the thought once and for all. As you step into the living room, a flash of red from the kitchen catches your attention. The voicemail light on your landline blinks quickly, indicating a new message awaits you.

Your eyebrows furrow as you walk to the kitchen. The landline was more of a formality than anything. It wasn’t as if you gave the number out to many people, mostly just mortal companies that promised you ten-percent-off coupons if you registered with a phone number. You rarely got calls that weren’t spam. You certainly never got messages.

As you lift the phone from its holder and navigate to the voicemail section, your eyes settle on a familiar-looking number. Deja vu washes over you as you stare at it. Some distant part of your brain recognizes the number as significant, yet you can’t remember where you’ve seen it before.

It’s not until you click ‘play’ and hear a familiar female voice that realization hits you like a ton of bricks. Your heart drops to your stomach like a stone. . . . Today, there are no mix-ups, no accidental appearing in one part of the Dreaming when you meant to travel to another. When the Dream Lord’s sand pours from your hand, it’s as if it reads your very heart, as if it knows exactly where to go. It carries you to the throne room in a flurry of pale grains, depositing you mere yards away from Dream himself. He stands at the foot of the throne room staircase, speaking quietly with Abel of the House of Secrets.

A soft sniffle escapes you as your sneakers pad across the throne room floor, carrying you toward them. In your arms, Theo nuzzles his nose against the underside of your chin, licking a stray tear from your skin.

“Dream.” The call comes out more like a croak, your throat tight with emotion. When the Dream Lord’s star-lit gaze snaps to you, his pale eyes wide and expression taken aback, you feel you can’t breathe for an entirely different reason. You stop in your tracks instantly, holding Theo close to your chest. “Come with me. Please.” . . . Small flecks of snow drift from the gray sky above, clinging delicately to your hair and cheeks. You draw Theo’s warm body into the folds of your winter coat, seeking to shield him from the cold. His favorite toy, a stuffing-less fox, is gripped tightly in your free hand. A lifeline.

As your eyes settle on the familiar sign of the animal shelter in front of you, a dizzying concoction of anxiety, sorrow, and excitement rolls through you. You swallow thickly, fighting back the nausea that comes along with it. “Thank you for coming with me,” your voice comes out as a whisper.

Beside you, Dream of the Endless stands with his hands in his coat pockets, still as the winter air. When he inclines his head toward you, there are snowflakes nesting in his wild hair, clinging to his dark eyelashes. When you draw in another breath, it comes a little easier than the last. “You need not thank me,” he murmurs, his voice surprisingly soft.

“I want to.” Your eyes fall to where you hold Theo with one arm, pressed against your chest like a toddler. He gazes up at you with childlike wonder, all rose-colored glasses and curiosity. You press a warm kiss to the tip of his cold, leathery nose, a feeling you’d recognize anywhere. As another wave of nausea rolls through you, you bury your swollen eyes in his fur. “I don’t know, Dream. I don’t know if I can do this.”

For a moment, all is still. And then, the soft jingle of a bell pierces the air. When you lift your face from Theo’s neck, the Dream Lord stands at the shelter’s entrance, holding the door open with one pale hand. Though he speaks no words, his blue eyes hold yours steadily. Staring at him, a small voice whispers from the back of your mind, Yes, you can.

Warmth floods your cheeks as you step over the threshold and into the familiar lobby of the shelter. The dark-skinned woman working the front desk is instantly recognizable to you–she was the one who helped you fill out your paperwork the day you chose to foster Theo. No amount of time could ever erase the memory of his dark eyes meeting yours for the first time, of the warmth that had flooded your heart when his furry head slipped into your palm. It had fit like a glove, and still did. In spite of the fact that his leash is looped over your shoulder, you hold tightly to him, eager to keep him in your arms as long as you can.

As you and Dream approach the front desk, the receptionist raises her head, appraising Dream’s lithe, dark form with curious eyes. You wonder if she can sense an otherworldliness about him, some aura that you have grown accustomed to. You draw a step closer to him instinctively.

“Hello,” you greet the woman quietly. At the appearance of this new friend, Theo begins to wag his tail. You adjust your hold to keep him comfortable. “I’m here with Theo. I got a call that he’s ready to be adopted?”

The dark-skinned woman’s eyes pull from Dream to you, lighting up at your words. “Ah, yes! Love. It’s great to see you again. It looks as if sweet Theo has been very well cared for.” She rises from her chair with a smile. “The family is in the back getting his records and starter kit now. I’ll go grab them.”

Your throat spasms, wanting to protest. You bite back the urge as she slips through a door behind her desk. For a moment, you’re ashamed at your selfish heart, ashamed of the fact that you are so hesitant to let him go. When you had returned the voicemail, the worker at the shelter had told you about Theo’s new family. A husband and wife with two young boys and another dog similar in age to Theo. The wife even worked from home. He would have multiple playmates and receive endless love and attention. More than you could ever offer him, especially now that you spent time in both your Realm and the Dreaming. It was a perfect match.

And yet, as you tilt your chin to gaze down at your beloved friend, your heart still aches. Would they accept his mouth kisses with glee like you have? Would they trace that precious dip between his eyes, stroke loving fingers over his furry cheeks like you have? Would they kiss his paws every morning, hold him close until he falls asleep at night, give him their whole heart, just like you have? You could only hope and pray.

Pressing your nose into his fur once again, you inhale his familiar scent deeply–the perfect concoction of puppy musk and freshly laundered cotton. You can still remember the first time you’d found him burrowed into your bed sheets, not even a week after you’d first brought him home. Closing your eyes, you commit the scent to memory. Though you feel Dream’s eyes on you, you sense no judgment from him. You’re grateful he’s here, his familiar presence comforting.

When the door to the back of the shelter opens, your head lifts immediately. You’re greeted by two dark-haired young boys and a middle-aged woman whom they are a clear spitting image of. The boys come toward you in a rush, their grins wide and eager, proudly displaying several missing teeth. You wonder if they’re still young enough to believe in the tooth fairy.

When one of the boys reaches out to pet Theo’s head, you crouch down to his level. As his small hand finds the sweet spot behind Theo’s ear, Theo’s tail begins to swish against the front of your coat. Your heart swells with delight and breaks into a million pieces all at once.

“Mom, he’s perfect,” the little boy petting Theo’s head says. His smile is as radiant as the sun, warming the whole room. “Milo’s gonna get along so great with him.”

You smile at him kindly, then shift your gaze to the young boy who has yet to pet Theo. With a reluctant heart, you take a crouched step closer to him, asking, “Would you like to hold him?”

Wide-eyed and grinning, the child nods eagerly. You instruct him on how to hold Theo just so, looping your furry friend’s front paws around the boy’s neck, showing him how to slip one arm under Theo’s tail. When Theo gazes adoringly at the child, placing a tentative, exploratory lick to the underside of his chin, a wave of relief and bittersweetness washes through you.

When you rise to your feet, your eyes turn to the mother. Her emerald eyes regard you kindly. “Thank you for caring for this sweet pup all this time. I’m sure today isn’t easy,” she says, offering you a warm smile.

Something about her words, the thoughtful empathy that underlays them, forms a pit at the base of your throat. A familiar prickling begins to surface behind your eyes. You blink quickly, trying to clear it away. “He loves Cheez-Its.” The words escape you in a rush, impassioned. “And licking the cream cheese from your fingers when you make your morning bagel. He loves to eat dead leaves, but don’t let him eat too many, because he has a really sensitive stomach. If he throws up on your carpet, and he definitely will, a little all-purpose cleaner and Shout will clean it right up. He makes this adorable squeaking sound when he yawns, like an old door hinge, and he loves morning cuddles. He’ll let you hold him just like a baby.” You swallow thickly, fighting to keep your mouth from contorting, to keep the tears from falling. “He’ll be your best friend.”

The woman’s smile turns wistful as she studies you, soaking in your words. When she takes her children into her arms, the four of them look like a picture-perfect family. Your saddened heart lifts at the sight. “I promise you we will take the very best care of him. He won’t want for anything,” she assures you.

You nod once, stiffly. When your gaze falls to Theo, you find him already looking up at you, doe-eyes wide and gleaming. You drop to your knees in front of him. The child holding him turns slightly, affording you a better look at his sweet, furry face.

“Well, I guess this is it, little love,” you whisper, your voice warbled and tight. Leaning forward, you press a trembling kiss to the tip of his leathery nose. Theo quickly returns the gesture, licking you full on the lips. You couldn’t hold back the peal of laughter that springs from you if you tried. “I love you so much, buddy. Please don’t forget me. I promise I won’t forget you.” You give him a final loving scratch behind his ears, then bury your mouth against his cheek, whispering, “I’ll see you again. I promise.”

When you walk out of the shelter’s doors minutes later, the cold that pricks at your face is a welcome feeling. It nips at your tear-rimmed eyes, soothing them, calming you. Your thoughts are already on the future, on your intention to travel to the Realm of Attachment later today. You’ll pluck the threads of storge between Theo and his new family until they light their entire home.

The Dream Lord follows behind you like a shadow. He hasn’t said a word since you first arrived at the shelter. When you pause on the sidewalk outside, he stops beside you. Finally, he breaks his silence, his low voice gently inquiring, “If you care for him so deeply, why not keep him? Why did you choose to let him go?”

The corners of your lips lift ever so slightly at his question. It was one you’d asked yourself countless times in the months you’d fostered Theo, knowing full well that this day would one day come. Hell, you’d even pondered it earlier when you’d received that voicemail. Should I adopt him myself, or should I let him go? In the end, the answer, bittersweet as it was, had come quickly to you. “As much as I love Theo, I couldn’t give him all he deserved. I’ve been away a lot, especially in these last few months. This family…they’ll be able to give him more than I can. The utmost happiness is all I want for him. I want it more than I want happiness for myself.”

When you turn your head, you find Dream watching you quietly, eyes bright and keen. Despite the weight his gaze carries, you force yourself to hold it, to give him a small, wistful smile. “Sometimes, if you love something, Dream, the best thing you can do is let it go.” . . . As you slip into the soft embrace of unconsciousness, the familiar whisper of waves is not the only sensation that greets you. A gentle, repetitive pressure coaxes you into alertness, a bizarre sensation that feels like soft, wet sandpaper. Familiar. You know this feeling…

In an instant, your eyes snap open. “Theo?”

Theo’s furry face is bent over where you lie in the sand, all sloppy, wet tongue and dark, gleaming eyes. You sit up with a start, eagerly taking him in your arms, running your hands over his warm, squirmy body. You know this can’t be real. You gave him to his new family just earlier today. And you’re sitting on that honey-gold beach by the Tiffany blue sea, which tells you you’re steeped deep in your unconsciousness.

And yet, Theo’s form feels so real beneath your hands. His ears are as floppy as ever, his curls as soft as silk under your palms. Once again, your unconscious ability to commit physical characteristics to memory has astounded you.

But there’s one familiar figure you haven’t seen yet. As Theo buries himself in your arms, eagerly lapping at your chin, your eyes sweep across the beach. And there he is, standing only a few feet away. The radiant sun frames Fake Dream’s tall, slender form in white gold. As you stare at him, something seems off to you. It takes a moment to register the difference, but when you do, the realization steals the breath straight from your lungs. Because Fake Dream’s lips are not downturned in a scowl, or flattened in indifference. No, one corner of those rosebud lips is ever so slightly upturned into the faintest ghost of a smile.

It’s a gesture that carries significance, a deviation from his normal stoicism that you’ve only seen directed toward Hob, Matthew, or Lucienne. That gesture, so sparingly given, has never been directed at you before. Heart caught in the base of your throat, the realization that you would do anything to hold it there, to see it again and again, hits you like a ton of bricks. To see it in real life. Because that’s how you know this is fake. Real Dream has never offered you such a display.

But in this moment, it doesn’t matter that any of this is fake. All that matters is Theo’s kisses on your face, his furry body in your arms, and Fake Dream’s quirked lips. All that matters is that it feels real, even if it’s not.

Once, you had dreaded slipping into unconsciousness at night. Now, you feel yourself hesitating to leave it with the dawn. . . . When you step out of the vortex of sand and into the open grove of Fiddler’s Green, the lush flora and fauna seem to reach to greet you. Blades of grass sprout beneath your feet with each step, framing your sneakers in brilliant green. Dandelions crane their necks to graze your ankles, while golden Russell lupine incline to brush against your knuckles.

You caress them in kind, a soft smile gracing your lips. I missed you, too, you think fondly, bending to enjoy the sweet scent emanating from the delicate petals. And it was true. Ever since Theo had gone to his new family a few days prior, you’d been spending more and more of your hours in the Dreaming. The silence of your townhome felt too quiet, the stillness too empty. While you’d been slipping away to perform your duties and snag a few hours of rest, even a short period away from Dream Country left you eager to return as of late.

That familiar pull takes up in your chest as you walk through the grove, coaxing you toward the palace, toward the Dream Lord. With a smile, you pull the pouch of Dream’s sand from your pocket. A fresh handful spirits you from the open fields of Fiddler’s Green to the familiar warmth and clutter of the Library of Dreams. You spot Lucienne immediately, her regal, coat-tailed silhouette pacing in front of the colossal doors to the throne room.

“Lucienne!” you call as you approach her. She swivels instantly at your exclamation, pausing in her incessant pacing to look at you. You immediately catch the furrow in her brow, the tight clasp of her hands behind her back. Your lips mirror her frown as you come to a slow stop before her. “Is something wrong?”

Lucienne’s full lips part and close several times, as if seeking the right words to say. Her hesitation makes your heart stutter in your chest. Finally, she bows her head apologetically at you. “Forgive me, Miss Love, for my frazzled state. All is well in the Dreaming. It is just that Lord Morpheus has welcomed a rather…unexpected guest to the palace today.”

Your eyebrows shoot up at her words, your interest thoroughly piqued. What kind of guest would leave Lucienne frazzled? “A guest? Who?”

Lucienne lowers her gaze to the floor. You get the impression that she’s mulling over whether to divulge the identity of this mysterious guest. Perhaps it’s someone Dream wishes to keep a secret. Just as you’re about to reassure her that she doesn’t have to tell you, she lifts her gaze to yours. “It is Lord Morpheus’s former spouse. The Muse, Calliope.”

There is a distinctly bottomless sensation as the floor of the library is ripped out from underneath you, sending you plummeting down, down, down.

Oh.

“Oh.” The word is out of your mouth without contemplation. It hangs in the air between you, awkward and plain, making the heavy silence heavier. Clearing your throat, you scramble for some kind of coherent thought to add on to it. “And that is concerning…why?”

“After their…separation, Lord Morpheus became bitter and angry. Their parting was steeped in loss, and it darkened him.” She pauses, turning to glance at the closed doors behind her. The pull in your chest thrums as she does, urging you to walk through them, to go where Dream lies on the other side. “His countenance seems much improved today, I must say. Still, I’m a little nervous. It has been a long time since the Lady Calliope has been in the Dreaming.”

His countenance is much improved. The Lady Calliope. A tight knot tangles itself at the base of your throat, making it difficult to breathe. Your mind turns to the red eros and green storge attachments that had linked Dream and Calliope’s names in his book in your library. The book could not tell you what was current and what was not. It was a record, and nothing more. Still, Lucienne’s description of Dream’s ‘improved countenance’ leaves a strange feeling in your stomach. “Any idea what they’re talking about?” you ask, swallowing down the lump in your throat.

“I haven't a clue.”

Your lips tighten into a hard line as your stomach turns. You suspect you know exactly what they’re talking about. In spite of the unease pooling in your gut, you smile at Lucienne. “Okay. Well, I, uh…I guess I’ll just wait, then. Read some books until they’re done. Will you come find me when they’re finished?”

“I will, Miss Love.”

You turn on your heel without a farewell, acutely aware of the fact that you’re acting totally out of character. Acutely aware of the fact that this deviation will not slip past Lucienne, as astute as she is. You dive into the aisles of bookshelves swiftly, eyes ignoring the signposts displaying years and letters above you, instead trained only on what is in front of you. Adrenaline propels you forward, away from others and their prying eyes, eager to be alone with your thoughts.

After several minutes of twisting and turning, you find yourself among the first-century ‘Z’s.’ A relatively sparse collection in the grand scheme of the universe, and a spot you feel others are unlikely to journey to. It’s here that you press your back against the bookshelves and sink to the floor with a bone-deep sigh. Only here do you allow the mask to slip aside and the dam to break as the full weight of your emotions washes through you.

First comes the disbelief, hollow and cold. One of the Dream Lord’s former lovers–no, his ex-wife, the mother of his child–was here in the Dreaming. The mere thought sends your head spinning so wildly that you cradle it in your hands. Though you had heard the stories and seen the names in his book with your very own eyes, the Dream Lord’s past lovers had always felt like distant figments to you, almost more like myths than reality. You had never suspected that a day like this might come.

Anger comes next, taking you off-guard. It boils up from a place deep within you, coiling tightly in your stomach, simmering in your veins. Anger at what, you’re not sure. Perhaps at yourself for acting a fool, for not being able to control your emotions? You had no right to be angry with anyone else. Fingernails drag across your scalp as you comb anxious fingers through your hair. In spite of the deep breaths you try to calm yourself with, the relentless hammering of your heart doesn’t stop.

It’s from that hammering heart that the next emotion swells, clouding your thoughts, making you dizzy. Panic. Panic over what the two of them could be talking about. Though Lucienne claimed to have no clue, the answer seemed obvious in your mind. Dream’s sentiments from that night on the dock, his apparent dismay at not understanding why his past relationships had ended in ruin, burns in your memory like a brand. ‘Love is as much about sacrifice as it is about reward.’ That’s what you’d told him. He must have found his answer within that sentence. Must have learned his lesson.

And now, he was reuniting with his former wife, the mother of his lost child, with the intention of getting things right.

As you curl your knees to your chest, resting your forehead against them, a new sensation sweeps through you. Or rather, the absence of sensation. As the heat of your anger and the turmoil of your panic drain away, a numbness takes their place. It’s familiar, this bone-deep emptiness, this feeling of being carved out and left unfilled. You fold into yourself tightly, making yourself as small as possible. As if doing so might grant reprieve from this feeling that has plagued you so many times in your long, long existence. Sorrow.

What reason do you have to be sad? that incessant voice of logic hisses in the back of your mind. You should be happy for him.

Shame rides on the coattails of the voice’s words, thick and nauseating. Still, it’s a welcome relief from the sorrow, and you hold tightly to it. Indeed, why were you sad? Dream was reuniting with his lost love. They were getting a second chance at happiness. He deserved to be happy. Plus, with Dream and Calliope’s relationship rekindled, you wouldn’t have to worry about the philia attachment between you anymore. It was as good as platonic.

You draw in slow, deep breaths, waiting for the emptiness in your bones to fade. Waiting for it to be replaced with that overwhelming feeling of radiant rightness that filled your soul every time you fulfilled an attachment, every time a love match found its way.

Still, the sorrow remains.

Hoping to outwait the feeling, you remain where you are, tightly folded in on yourself amid the aisles of the Library of Dreams. When you hear quiet footsteps approaching you, you’re unsure of how long you’ve been sitting here. The only thing you’re sure of is that you haven’t outwaited anything.

“Miss Love.” The soft tone of Lucienne’s voice coaxes your head upwards, unfurling you from within yourself. She stands a few feet away at the edge of the aisle. You can spot the concern in her dark eyes from here. “Are you alright?”

You offer her a small, crooked smile. Rising to your feet, you lie, “Yes, I’m fine, Lucienne. Just tired, is all. Is he ready for me?”

Lucienne draws in a breath to speak, then hesitates. She clearly doesn’t believe you. Indecision wages war in her brown eyes. You can practically see her weighing the scales, contemplating whether to cling to formality and proceed forward, or potentially overstep a boundary by prying further. You’re not sure which option terrifies you more.

After a long moment of silence, Lucienne gives a brief nod. She speaks no words as she beckons you to follow, and you trail after her in silence. As you weave through the labyrinth of bookshelves, a part of you wonders what made her choose silence over inquiry. Perhaps a lifetime of trying to provide emotional support to Dream, only to often be rebuffed, has made her believe that some individuals simply do not want to be helped. The thought makes your heart ache.

When you walk into the main corridor of the library, you find that the towering throne room doors are now wide open. Two forms stand on the other side of the doorway, their silhouettes outlined in emerald, ruby, and sapphire from the stained glass windows behind them.

Though Lucienne stops at the edge of the bookshelves, your feet carry you forward, unbidden. Dream’s dark, lithe form is leaned over, whispering something in the ear of the dark-haired woman facing him. Your cheeks flush as you come to a stop outside the throne room doors. Calliope.

When the Muse turns away from Dream, toward you, you go still as a stone. It’s instantly evident why Dream fell for her. Her ethereal form seems almost weightless as she glides toward the library, her sandaled feet barely touching the floor. Her brilliant white peplos floats about her like foam on the sea. Ringlets of dark-brown hair spill over her shoulders, framing the soft features of her kind face. There is a grace and freedom in her movements that you’ve never seen in another being, an effervescence that she carries effortlessly.

The King of Dreams and Nightmares and a Muse of divine inspiration. The perfect pair. You swallow thickly.

As Calliope exits the throne room, you expect her to dissipate into feathers, or at least bypass you entirely. When her warm brown eyes settle on you, you hold your breath. Or, rather, your breath holds you.

Calliope approaches you silently, coming to a stop within arm’s reach. You’re certain she must hear the pounding of your heart in your chest. If she does, she doesn’t show it. Slowly, she reaches out, taking your hands in both of her own. Frozen in place, you allow her to do so, halfway convinced that you must have spontaneously developed the ability to dream. Halfway certain that none of this is real.

When Calliope gives your hands a gentle squeeze, however, you’re assured that this is no dream.

“Watch over him. Please,” she says softly, her voice as sweet as wine and honey.

Your lips part in awe. Your mind tailspins, caught between wanting to run and wanting to stay, wanting to ask her questions and wanting to question nothing.

“Yeah,” you breathe. It’s the only coherent thought you’re able to articulate.

Calliope’s plush lips draw into a warm, pleased smile. She gives your fingers one last squeeze. And then she slips away, gone like a petal in the wind.

You find that you can’t watch as she drifts away to exit the Dreaming. As weightless as she seemed, the weight of this moment feels all too heavy. Your gaze remains affixed on your hands, still extended from where she held them. Your mind struggles to wrestle with her simple words, the complex implication behind them.

The quiet clearing of a throat snaps you out of your thoughts. When your eyes dart upward, you find that Dream has crossed the throne room to stand before you in Calliope’s place. The proximity of his body to yours makes your skin hum. The way his ocean eyes regard you with a palpable gentleness makes your stomach flip.

“Are you ready?” Dream asks, his rosebud lips caressing each word with care.

At first, you’re not sure what he means. Then, the realization dawns on you. Work. Of course. You offer him a small, tentative smile, shoving down the tempest of emotions storming within you.

But only temporarily. You know now what you have to do. “Yes.” . . . Hours later, after all your work with Dream is done, you slip into the Dreaming under cover of night with a palmful of sand. Unlike normal, you don’t immediately go in search of Matthew, Lucienne, or even Dream.

No, your first stop is Mervyn Pumpkinhead’s personal quarters within the palace. You slip through the door in silence, like a dream in the night. A featherlight touch to his quietly snoring chest is all it takes to step into the Realm of Attachment from there.

The transition to the radiance of your Realm from the nighttime shadows of the Dreaming is jarring. The only thing that doesn’t catch you off-guard is the brilliant white thread you find unfurling from your chest. Philia.

Though its presence comes as no surprise to you, the sight of it still takes your breath away. It’s the first time you’ve ever laid eyes on it, the first time you’ve ever seen any attachment originate from within yourself. Its white glow brightens and dims in time with your heartbeat, a pattern that quickens the longer you stare at it. You exit Mervyn’s room swiftly, before you can change your mind.

The white thread guides you out of the living quarters, through the palace’s long, wide halls and winding staircases, into the Library of Dreams. The attachment leads straight across the main corridor, stretching over the reading tables before disappearing into the colossal doors at the opposite end. With a deep, calming breath, you slip through the throne room doors like a ghost.

Dream of the Endless stands on the other side, his solitary form a dark run of ink in the center of the throne room. Hands clasped behind his back, his black cloak spills around him, pooling at his feet. You approach his still form with slow, careful steps, in spite of the fact that you know he can’t see you. With each step you take, the thread between you grows shorter and shorter. With each inch you lose, your heart flutters faster.

You step in front of him, seeking his face, only to find it turned toward the open ceiling above. While you know he is staring at the star-speckled cosmos that lie above the palace’s trusses, the Realm of Attachment affords you no cosmos. Instead, a kaleidoscope of colors is reflected in his pale blue eyes, a mirror image of the rainbow threads above.

A soft smile pulls at your lips at the sight of him here, pondering the night sky after a long day of work. You suddenly realize that you’ve never asked him if he has his own resting hours to retreat into. While other deities remain dreamless, does the Dream Lord himself ever dream?

In any other realm, you’d be wary of staring too long, worried that his keen gaze might take notice. The knowledge that he can’t see you now is…comforting. Allowing yourself the simple pleasure of studying his features, unhurried and unabashed, feels like a gift. Your eyes trace the perpetual disarray of his raven hair, the stray strands that fall over his forehead. They brush against the lush, dark lashes that frame his ocean eyes–ever bright, ever pondering. The light of the rainbow sky above casts his alabaster skin in an array of colors, accentuating the proud bridge of his nose, the faint dimple at its tip. Tilted upwards in thought, that sharp jaw could cut your heart out. The faint ghost of a shadow along it, creeping down to the top of this throat, sends a delicious warmth spreading from the top of your scalp to the tips of your toes.

And his lips. Maker, his lips. Pink as a rosebud, they part softly as he ponders the heavens above, as if searching for answers. Answers to what, you don’t know. Standing this close, you notice for the first time that his bottom lip is slightly fuller than the top. The urge to draw the pad of your thumb over it, to test its softness, its fullness, is sudden and overwhelming. Not a curiosity, or a want, but a need.

He’s beautiful, you admit to yourself for the very first time. Warmth blooms inside your chest, caressing your heart in gentle hands. The philia attachment between you beams in kind, illuminating both of your faces in its radiant glow.

You swallow, nerves stealing the grin from your lips, turning your mouth to sandpaper. It’s time. Time to do it now, before you lose whatever courage you have left.

The hammer of your heart is all you know as you wrap your hand around the thread with conviction.

Show me. . . . AN: Sneak peek content for anyone who sends me theories about Eugene Onegin and Le Morte d’Arthur. x

[trishfullertonwriting75]

"REPENT"

Happy Saturday, everyone! Just posting a link for my novel "Repent", which is a blend of love, crime and mystery for those who enjoy reading that genre.

Alisha and Lee's story twists and turns in many directions, taking the reader along paths they didn't know existed. This was originally a Thranduil fanfiction, edited for publication purposes, and is available in ebook, paperback and hardback formats.

Please consider reblogging, and help me reach as many readers as I can 🥰

___________________________________________________

Alisha has nursed her elderly patient for years. As the old man's life draws to a close, in bursts an angry blond who hates everything on sight. Including her. The two resent one another from the offset, and sparks fly between them.

Lee carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, and eventually turns to her for help in fighting the battle of his life. But his seemingly outlandish offer kick-starts something that could have both of them fighting for their very lives.

Hatred. Lies. Deceit. Hidden secrets. Enemies to friends to lovers. Hot, undeniable chemistry. An over-bearing attorney and the cutest presence ever all twist together in Alisha and Lee's tale of Repent.

[affidecrystal]

Episode 25 of A Blood So Sweet has Updated!

“Come on! Dance with me!” She yelled.

Reluctantly caving to her demand, Nik followed suit. Slinking to the beat, he abruptly released her hand. Grabbing her by the waist, he pulled her tightly against him. Synching the movement of their bodies, he absorbed some of the maddening energy surrounding them. Using it to clear his mind of everything but the beautiful woman dancing suggestively against him.

Closing her eyes, Brynn threw her head backwards. Becoming lost in the beat, she moaned silently as she felt her lover’s hands eagerly roam her body. As the song moved on, his touch grew more and more demanding. With his fingers tugging on her clothes and his nails grazing her exposed skin, an all too familiar ache settled between her thighs.

Bringing his face within a few inches of hers, Nik debated on whether or not he should creep into her mind. He so badly wanted to talk to her, to ask her if she wanted him to use his phantom touch to make her cum right then and there. It wouldn’t take much. He could tell from her heartbeat that she was already working herself into a frenzy.

Deciding to take his chances, he skirted the edges of her mind. Just enough for her to hear him over the music.

‘Should I make you mine right here?’

Suddenly opening her eyes, she met his hungry gaze. Swallowing hard, she blinked up at him with a confused look. Holy fuck. Was that really him, or just her overactive imagination?

Lifting his hands to the sides of her flushed face, he stilled both of their bodies. Paying no mind to the chaos writhing around them, he pushed a little deeper into her thoughts.

‘I can make you cum like this…with just my voice in your head…I did it before…would you like me to do it again?’

Want to read more? Click HERE to read Episode 25 on Kindle Vella (orrrr wait until early 2024 when it will be available on ebook, paperback, and hardback 😜)

[paperback-bitch]

Review: League of Liars

League of Liars #1 By Astrid Scholte Hardback: $18.99 – Paperback: $11.99 Approx. 360 pages – Audiobook: 11 hours YA Sci-Fi/Thriller/Fantasy

SYNOPSIS

Ever since his mother was killed, seventeen-year-old Cayder Broduck has had one goal—to see illegal users of magic brought to justice. People who carelessly use extradimensional magic for their own self-interest, without a care to the damage it does to society or those around them, deserve to be punished as far as Cayder is concerned. Because magic always has a price. So when Cayder lands a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to apprentice under a premier public defender, he takes it. If he can learn all the tricks of public defense, the better he’ll be able to dismantle defense arguments when he’s a prosecutor. Then he’ll finally be able to make sure justice is served.

But when he meets the three criminals he’s supposed to defend, it no longer seems so black and white. They’re teenagers, like him, and their stories are . . . complicated, like his. Vardean, the prison where Cayder’s new clients are incarcerated, also happens to be at the very heart of the horrible tear in the veil between their world and another dimension—where all magic comes from.

Themes: Science vs. Magic, Science IS Magic, Expanding Worldview, Biased Legal System

Tropes: Dead Parents, Shitty Parents, Magic is BAD, Corrupt Government, Conspiracy/Coverup

Warnings: Some semi-graphic depictions of violence, but overall not much.

REVIEW

Being totally honest, I didn’t like this book. I also didn’t dislike it. This book was almost a DNF (Did Not Finish, for those un-acronymous among you) and the only thing that kept me interested enough to keep reading (or rather, listening, since I went the audiobook route on this one) was the promising concept. Astrid Scholte absolutely brings fascinating concepts – I have two of her other books on my TBR (To Be Read) just based on their plot summaries. But this experience makes me hesitant to start them.

I struggled to get into this book. I didn’t like Cayder at the start of the book – although I feel that was intentional, it made it difficult for me to want to follow the story. I should note though, Cayder’s voice actor (VA) was my favorite of the four, with Leta’s being a close second. It was unusual having several people read me one audiobook, but it makes sense at the same time because the book is told in four perspectives. Cayder’s chapters are in his first person POV, but Leta, Jey and Eleanora were told in third person limited. It was an interesting choice, and I didn’t hate it, though it was unconventional for sure and jarring at times. Some of the VAs made some…interesting choices for how they voiced other characters, such as Eleanora’s VA who always had Cayder pronounce Princess as Prinsus.

Now, I have a “Three Chapters or 25%” rule, which is the earliest point I’ll allow myself to stop reading a book. Three decent-length chapters, or 25% of the book if the chapters are short. Fortunately for League of Liars, it hooked me juuuust enough that I wanted to keep reading, if only to get to the reveal. Because this book was very much a case of breadcrumbs leading to a big secret, and I wanted to know what it was. But god, the reveals were sloooow to come. I was tempted more than once to give up on this book, but then I was like “no, I invested too much time” and I had to finish.

As far as characters go, I didn’t connect with any of them. Cayder was rigid and blind to other perspectives. Leta was a reckless and impulsive idealist, and prone to fits of self-pity. Jey was somewhat endearing with his lasiez-faire demeanor, but it bordered on obnoxious and frankly, it’s becoming overdone. Eleanora was selfish and bratty at her worst, boring and bland at best. There was some insta-love with her and Cayder that I didn’t really enjoy and ended up feeling pointless. My favorite character was Kema the guard, who was a side character and mostly relegated to being their “inside man” as it were.

Looking for positives, I thought the depiction of the legal system was interesting and realistically frustrating haha. Scholte wove the legalese into the story in a way that was easy to digest and didn’t distract from the flow, so the courtroom scenes were actually a fun and engaging way to further the plot. Unfortunately, the only other positive was that the print and e-book had some cool illustrations in them – something I missed out on in the audiobook, and only got to see when I checked the e-book for some spellings for this review.

But the ending pissed me off enough that it overshadowed the high points. Not just because it felt unresolved, but because of how abrupt it was. The story wove in so many concepts, from the illegal shadow magic (Edem) to the Edem creatures known as the Hullen, to the way the Regency (founded by scientists and directed/monitored by the royal family) controls and enforces the law surrounding Edem usage. Without being spoilery, the ending vaguely addressed two of these points and then decided to ignore them. And the characters collectively made a decision that was super out of character for three of them and left us on what feels like a cliffhanger. And here’s a reveal that isn’t a spoiler: Astrid Scholte doesn’t write sequels. So I worry that we’re never getting answers to the list of questions left at the end of the novel. Fortunately, I have learned since I initially wrote this review back in 2022 that there is now a sequel, which I'm hoping will resolve some of the issues I had.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a three-star read for me, and barely. It bordered on the edge of two stars, but I was generous because I really loved the concept. In hindsight, the failure to deliver should probably have guaranteed it a two-star slot. But it had its interesting moments, so three stars it is.

RECOMMENDATIONS

I struggle to recommend this one, if only because I didn’t really enjoy it. I’d say if you like the angle of science meets magic, it might be worth a shot. Or if you’re particularly interested in legal systems set in a fantasy world and the gray areas there. Otherwise, I’d say maybe don’t waste your time.

[cocktailsfairytales]

"I want to do every naughty thing you’ll let me do to you.”

I’m caught up in the moment, in the absolute intimacy between us right here and now, finally touching. “Do it,” I whisper.

“You have no idea how much I could take from you if you let me, so don’t let me. Not yet.” He pauses, his lashes lowering, as he murmurs, “Damn it.” And when he looks at me again, he says, “It’s going to kill me when I lose you,” before his mouth closes down over mine and he kisses me—no, he consumes me. This is not just a kiss at all. It’s tenderness, demand, passion, torment, and love, and the mood of push and pull is gone.

I don’t even try to tell him he doesn’t have to lose me, it doesn’t have to be that way. He’s not in the right headspace right now, and maybe, I’m not either. Besides, I’m touching him now, as I’ve wanted to touch him for what feels like a lifetime.

BUY LINKS:

Amazon: https://mybook.to/ScornedQueen/opt/1

Apple: https://bit.ly/42B2wkw

Nook: https://bit.ly/3ObDKCZ

Kobo: https://bit.ly/3Ocg5ma

Google: https://bit.ly/42D9s0u

Paperback: https://mybook.to/HiUd/opt/2

Alternate Cover Hardback: https://mybook.to/cP2qM/opt/2

Get book one: https://www.lisareneejones.com/wall-street-empire.html#/

[anitabyars]

SCORNED QUEEN the FULL BOOK is now available at all retailers PLUS has a shiny lovely alternate hardback cover, to boot!

BUY YOUR COPY

Amazon: https://mybook.to/ScornedQueen/opt/1

Apple: https://bit.ly/42B2wkw

Nook: https://bit.ly/3ObDKCZ

Kobo: https://bit.ly/3Ocg5ma

Google: https://bit.ly/42D9s0u

Paperback: https://mybook.to/HiUd/opt/2

Alternate Cover Hardback: https://mybook.to/cP2qM/opt/2

The protégé king wants the king un-seated but it will be war, and a bloody one.

And you can only push a future queen so far before she says enough, and proves she's as worthy for war as her man. Damion and Alana will come together to fight but first the boundaries of the past must fall.

BUY YOUR COPY

Amazon: https://mybook.to/ScornedQueen/opt/1

Apple: https://bit.ly/42B2wkw

Nook: https://bit.ly/3ObDKCZ

Kobo: https://bit.ly/3Ocg5ma

Google: https://bit.ly/42D9s0u

Paperback: https://mybook.to/HiUd/opt/2

Alternate Cover Hardback: https://mybook.to/cP2qM/opt/2

ALTERNATE COVER HARDBACK

READ AN EXCERPT

I know he’s behind me before he ever touches me. That’s the thing about me with Damion. I feel him on some level that defies any reality I know with any other human being. I can’t even explain what that means, but if he’s close, I know. It’s like a tingling sensation, an awareness that reaches beyond the conscious being.

And right now, he’s so close I can feel the heat of his body, a moment later, the press of his cock to my hip. I swallow hard and hold my breath, waiting for what comes next. His hands settle on my waist, and his touch torments my nerve endings in the best of ways.

He leans in and draws in a breath as if he’s inhaling my scent, “Turn around.” There is this raw, achy need in the depths of his voice that radiates through me and has me twisting around to face him.

The minute I do, he’s right in front of me, his sculpted, naked body intimately framing mine. His fingers tangle into my hair, his grip rough, erotic. “I’m not going to spank you,” he says, “but, God, woman, I want to do every naughty thing you’ll let me do to you.”

I’m caught up in the moment, in the absolute intimacy between us right here and now, finally touching. “Do it,” I whisper.

“You have no idea how much I could take from you if you let me, so don’t let me. Not yet.” He pauses, his lashes lowering, as he murmurs, “Damn it.” And when he looks at me again, he says, “It’s going to kill me when I lose you,” before his mouth closes down over mine and he kisses me—no, he consumes me. This is not just a kiss at all. It’s tenderness, demand, passion, torment, and love, and the mood of push and pull is gone.

I don’t even try to tell him he doesn’t have to lose me, it doesn’t have to be that way. He’s not in the right headspace right now, and maybe, I’m not either. Besides, I’m touching him now, as I’ve wanted to touch him for what feels like a lifetime. Touching him everywhere, anywhere I can, and I am not shy about it. I wrap one hand around his thick erection. He groans with the impact, and the power I’ve wielded over him is a high I can’t explain. His hand grips mine over his erection as pumps into my grip, but grows quickly impatient.

He palms my backside and lifts me, my breasts molded to his chest, my legs wrapping his waist, and he walks to a large chair in the corner and sits down with me on top of him. I straddle him, his erection is between us, pressed to my belly, and the hunger we have for one another is dark and edgy. I can feel it cloaking us like a heavy blanket, pulling us together.

My hands land on his shoulders, and he catches a strand of my hair and twines it around his fingers, tugging lightly. “Come here.”

That’s the definition of power. To command me with a single strand of my own hair around his finger. It’s so very hot. I’m hot. I’m melting right here, on top of him. I ease forward, closer to the man who destroys me with a word and touch, sensations swirling in my belly, my nipples tight. “You’ve always been bossy.”

“And you’ve always loved to play with my toys.”

I laugh, and I love that I can be naked and aroused and still laugh with Damion. “Nothing has changed, I guess—”

I barely get the words out and he’s drinking me in again, kissing me with long, sensual strokes of his tongue before he murmurs, “I’ve needed to be inside you again for a lifetime it seems.”

I wet my lips and say, “Yes. Please.”

“Hmmm. I like that word—please. I’m going to make you say it again and often.”

SPECIAL EDITIONS!

Pre-order these limited edition hardbacks with sprayed edges and foil covers of the Scandalous Billionaires series! Pre-orders will begin shipping on May 1st (maybe earlier!) and you can only pre-order until January 31st!

A signed and personalized copies of Filthy Deal, Naked Truth, and Beautiful Betrayal with sprayed edges and foil cover. And if you order now, you will receive a limited edition free bookmark for each book as well!

These are limited edition and will not be available for long.

PICKUP option is for Readers Take Denver attendees only!

PRE-ORDER LIMITED HARDBACK EDITIONS

EBOOKS & PAPERBACKS

PRE-ORDER EBOOKS & PAPERBACKS

My Review

5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Captivating!! So thrilled to be back in this storyline once again! Finally Alana and Damion are together and are trying to build their HEA! Love this second chance romance trope and loving all the suspense and seduction that this author only can bring to a story!

But in their world full of power, control, greed, secrets, jealousy, distrust, danger, blackmail and deceit they have their work cut out for them if they are going to make it!

“No one knows how the destruction of what you call family can rip you apart like I do.”

This is action packed. Full of intrigue, drama, secrets, lies, and family members betrayal. Alana and Damion’s lives have never been their own, always being manipulated by their own parents. Their relationship could be full of possibilities, but the problems they must face are enormous.

Will they be able to get through this together? Or will they be left bleeding from their destruction? Luckily they have Walker Security on their side but we will have to wait to find out in the next book in this series! Which I need ASAP!!!!

Received an early copy and this is my honest review.

[katy-l-wood]

Rebinding paperbacks into hardbacks: a tutorial

I promised a tutorial about how I’ve been doing this, so here we go! First though, I must stress that I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL. I am making this up as I go based on several hours of research for a single project about ten years ago. But I needed a serotonin boost from a project I didn’t have to buy anything new for, so I decided to just throw myself back into book binding.

Are there people out there with better advice? Yup. Am I doing parts of thing wrong? Probably. But I’m also having tons of fun. So goal accomplished.

Just...don’t do this with any books you adore/rare books without digging deeper into the more professional side of this. Just for fun, okay? Okay.

This will be a pretty long post, so most of it will be under a cut!

First up: Supplies.

Your book! For this tutorial I’m using a copy of The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater because I’ve ended up with three copies of it, so it’s perfect for this project.

Some clean scrap paper.

A cutting mat. If you don’t have one you can use some scrap corrugated cardboard (probably best to have a couple layers, if you do it this way), however the mat is nice because it has angles marked on it which will be important for later.

Rubber cement. (Technically, spray glue would probably be better, but I didn’t have any spray glue so it would’ve violated my rule of “do not spend anything on this project.)

Craft glue.

Ruler.

Scissors.

Creasing tool. Alternatively, a pen with a flat, slightly rounded bottom edge can work well too.

Sandpaper.

Pencil

Water cup.

Ribbon, if you want to do a bookmark.

Papertowels.

Paint pallet you don’t mind getting glue on. A sturdy paper plate works fine too.

A charm for your bookmark, if you want one.

Some kind of book board to form your covers. You can use a lot of things for this including thick, sturdy, non-corrugated cardboard, cereal box cardboard glued together in layers, wood, or actual book board that you purchase online. I am using some chipboard that was used to stabilize and protect something I ordered online. It works FANTASTICALLY. I always hang onto this stuff when I get a package that has it.

Some brushes you aren’t afraid to ruin with glue.

Heavy duty box cutter (if you’re using wood, you may need some sort of saw).

Exacto knife.

Something to form your spine. Again, you have a lot of options here. I am using some faux-leather I had laying around, which I’ve found works best. If you use a regular fabric you’ll have to hem it, and use a fabric friendly glue that won’t come up through the fabric, which is not covered here.

3-4 sheets of scrapbook paper. Thicker cardstock papers work best for their sturdiness, but you can use lighter weight papers as well, you just have to be careful how you glue things so the lighter papers don’t warp.

Letter stickers if you want to do a title on on the cover. There’s lots of other ways to do titles, though, so it’s up to you.

(sorry, forgot to add this in the picture) 6 small binder clips. Like, the half inch sized ones.

(No picture again, sorry!) Something heavy to set on top of your book while it is drying. I just used a box of acrylic paints.

Whew. Okay, onto the actual tutorial.

Step one: Measure and cut your boards.

Measure your book, and then add 1/8-1/4inch to each side EXCEPT the spine. So, if your book is 5x8inches, you’ll want to measure out 5.25x8.5inches. The 1/8-1/4inch part is up to you. I prefer to do 1/4 inch because I like to see a bit of the endpapers even when the book is closed.

Cut out two of these rectangles from your cover material using a ruler to guide the cut and your boxcutter. With chipboard, this will likely take several cuts. I put about half an inch between each rectangle just so that if I mess up a cut I’ll only ruin one of the rectangles, not both.

Congrats, you now have your two covers! Sand down any stray bits on the edges from cutting and you’re good to go. At this point, you can do whatever you want to the things. Paint them. Collage on them. Paper them. Woodburn them. Totally up to you. Just remember, at least half an inch of the spine side will be covered by your spine material, and the insides will be covered by your endpapers, so don’t put anything important there! For this tutorial we’ll only be covering the paper wrapping method, but you really can do whatever you like.

Step 2: Wrap ‘em in pretty paper.

If you are using lighter paper, you’ll use rubber cement for this step. If you are using thicker cardstock, you can use craft glue, but it MUST be watered down (about 1part glue, 2parts water in your paint tray). If you have a printer that is big enough for scrapbook paper, you can also print titles onto the paper before you attach it to the boards. This is what I did for Hunger Pangs. If you do this, you just have to be very careful with your positioning when placing the board so that your title lines up properly!

Take your first sheet of cover paper and lay it face down. Then, take one of your cover boards and apply an even coat of glue all across one face. Plop that down on the boring side of your scrapbook paper, with a couple inches of room on each side, and press it firmly for a couple minutes.

Next, trim down your paper with the exacto knife so it is even on all sides. I honestly just lay my ruler against the edge of the board, then cut along the other edge of the ruler. Quick and easy, no measuring required, and it will be exactly the same every time.

Now trim off all the corners at a 45degree angle, leaving about 1/8inch between the corner of your board and the cut. This is where the cutting mat comes in handy, since it already has these angles marked for you. If you don’t have one, you can just measure out the angles on your own.

Now, use the smoothing tool of choice to carefully and gently fold over each of your edges. Emphasis on gently. Then, using the same glue you used to secure the front side, glue down the edges one at a time. You’ll probably have to hold them in place for a minute or two to make sure they stick.

Congrats on completing the first cover! Now repeat the process for the other one. Again, you can do whatever you want to it at this point. I added a second layer of paper feathers to mine because, well, it’s the Raven Cycle. Feathers and trees.

Step 3: Attach the book.

Lay your backcover down in the proper position, and coat it with watered down craft glue (not rubber cement). For this you want your glue a little thicker, so about 1part glue 1part water. Don’t go quite all the way to the edges, except on the spine side.

Apply book. Make sure it is centered top/bottom, and the spine of the book is lined up with the spine side of your board. Press firmly, then put your weighted box/other books/whatever, on top and let dry for at least fifteen minutes.

Next, apply glue to the front cover of the book, and attach your new cover on top. Again, make sure everything lines up properly, then press firmly for a few minutes before putting your weights on top. Let dry for an hour.

Step 4: Give it some spine.

You can work on this during the hour your book is drying. I’m doing this with faux leather (which, I know, evil plastic, hissssss. But it was what I had laying around in my art hoard from before I knew how crappy faux leather is. Better to use it than throw it out).

Measure the width of your book with the two new covers included. Then add 3/4inches to the width on each side. Measure the length of your book, and then add 2x whatever you added when you cut out your boards to each end. So if you added 1/4inch to each edge in that step, add 1/2inch at the top and bottom each in this step. If you added 1/8inch in that step, add 1/4inch in this step.

Cut that baby out using scissors. (You can also add more than 3/4inches to the width of your new spine, it just depends on the look you’re going for. You can also have fun with the edges, rather than making them straight, as long as you keep that 3/4inches as your minimum and expand out from there.)

Once you’ve given your book its hour of drying time, remove the weights. Using a line of pure craft glue, secure the first edge of your spine in place. Make sure it is centered with an even amount hanging over the top and bottom. Only about 1/2inch of the long edge of the leather should be in contact with the book. Put the weight back on top and let sit for about fifteen minutes.

If you want to attach a ribbon bookmark, now is the time, after that 15 minutes of drying. Cut out your ribbon about 4 inches longer than your book, apply the charm if you want to, and then glue about two inches of it to the outside of the paperback’s original spine using pure craft glue.

Flip your book, and glue down the other side of your new spine the same way, making sure it is even with the front cover. Don’t pull it too tight, or it will keep your book from closing properly. Place it back under your weight and let dry for an hour.

Once dry, apply a line of pure craft glue to the little bit hanging off one end. Don’t make it too thick! Just enough to cover the leather well.

Now fold over the leather so it wraps around to the inside, and use the binder clips to hold it in place. Wipe off any excess glue that gets pushed out, then let dry for an hour.

Step 5: Endpapers!

While that’s drying, cut out your endpapers! You’ll likely only need one piece of scrapbook paper for this, but it depends on the size of your book and if you want to do anything special with the pattern you’re using. Again, if you want to you can use your printer to put text on these.

If you want to have your endpaper covering BOTH the inside of the cover and the first page of the book (and the last page/inside of the cover for the back) you’ll have to do some careful measuring to cut things out and you will need two pieces of scrapbook paper for this. But I like to keep things simple and just cover the insides of the covers, not the first/last pages too, so I just use two simple rectangles. You’ll want to cut them about 1/16inches SHORTER than the measurements of your new covers.

Once the spine is done drying, remove the binder clips and check that your endpapers fit properly and aren’t hanging over the edge. You may have to trim them slightly. Once the size is right, glue them into place using rubber cement. Use your smoothing tool to press down the edges. Do this for the front and back. Put back under weight for another hour.

You’re done!

Congrats on your new book! Enjoy it.

[novelconcepts]

My grandmother is dying. Last one I have left, and she’s going at a rate that feels quick—but isn’t. Pulls the life out of her a little at a time in all the ways that matter, while letting her linger in the terror of watching the lights go out around her. She’s dying, and there’s really no stopping it. Nothing to do but wait.

That hurts. It hurts like a surgical recovery: a maddening, itching little ache in the back of your mind. Sometimes you forget. Sometimes you can make jokes. Sometimes it just feels numb. It hurts most of all because I’m watching this strong-willed woman, this bold force of nature from whom I learned don’t meddle and to love sci-fi summer blockbusters, waste away. It’s weird, missing someone who isn’t completely gone yet. It doesn’t seem fair that this woman’s going, and soon all that’ll be left of her is a box of books in my house.

So I’m choosing to lean into those books. Stories are where I go—where I’ve always gone—when any kind of hurt sets in. I learned that from her, I think; it’s where my mom got it, anyway, and I got it from my mom. My fiercest memories of my grandmother boil down to overflowing stacks of paperbacks bursting from every side table, every shelf, jammed tight into plastic tubs in her shadowy basement. Fantasy and romance and everything in between—but mostly, horror. Mostly, Stephen King. The last time I was in her house, that’s what landed in my lap: all the Stephen King I didn’t yet own, and some I did, paperbacks and faded naked hardbacks alike. I don’t have ‘em all—64 novels, Wikipedia tells me—but I have a lot. And I’ve only ever read about half.

I’m going to change that this year. In tribute to a woman I already miss. A woman who didn’t laugh easy, but laughed well. A woman who found joy and solace in stories, and passed that down as surely as she passed her brown eyes. I’m going to read the back catalogue of this author she loved—the books I already adore and the ones I haven’t gotten around to for one reason or another—and I’m gonna remember. The power of stories. The woman who took me to the movies on my birthday because it was something to share. The woman who, the minute she recognized the end heading her way, stubbornly pushed books into my arms. Feels right, in a way. Feels like a bookend. Can’t plan goodbyes, not really, but if you could…think this is as close as it gets.

[mlmxreader]

Unhappy | Slade Wilson x m!reader

Anonymous asked: "Don't lose your temper" and  "Losing you is my biggest fucking fear right now" with Slade Wilson? with a male reader please

summary: Slade isn't happy when he finds out what's been going on between you and Bane.

tws: swearing, mentions of violence

Slade was not happy in the slightest. His jaw was tightly clenched and his fists were balled at his sides as he wandered around the large and expansive flat that he shared with you, his boyfriend; he was pissed, and he could hardly look at you as he approached. He just had to find out from Bane, he just had to find out that his own boyfriend was seeing Bane behind his back, and from the sounds of it, you were pretty close. His voice came out as a low and harsh growl.

"What the fuck are you doing with Bane?"

You looked up from your book, and removed an earbud as you smiled warmly at him, tilting your head to the side. "Hey, baby. You're home early."

Slade shook his head, letting out a harsh and tense breath as he stared at you. He could feel the warmth from the sun on his eyepatch. "What the fuck are you doing with Bane?"

You hummed, then shrugged as you rubbed the back of your neck for a moment, a little embarrassed if you were honest. "We, uh, we got a system going."

Slade narrowed his gaze as he ground his teeth. "What?"

"Don't lose your temper," you said gently. "We're just swapping books. I prefer paperbacks, and he's got loads, so if I find a hardback, I get it for him and swap it for the paperback. He gives me paperbacks if he finds the hardback versions."

Slade's entire demeanour changed, his shoulders slumping as his jaw unclenched and his fingers loosened from a fist; he could tell you weren't lying, he always knew when you were being honest, and although he was usually distrustful about everyone, when it came to you, he knew when your honesty was real. And right now, it most certainly was.

"Why?"

"We have the same taste in books," you replied, "and it gives me something to do when you're not around - I mean, look, he gave me his paperback of All Quiet On The Western Front today!"

He rolled his eye as he dared to sit beside you, his hand on your thigh. "My boyfriend... is swapping books with Bane. What, are you gonna start a book club? Invite Lex?"

"Him? Definitely the fuck not," you scoffed. "He's an ass... and anyway, it's nice just me and Bane, we like the same books - he's... I wouldn't say a friend, but close."

Slowly, Slade nodded. "You're safe with him. He knows you're my boyfriend."

"How? I mean, I told him when we first started our little swap, but..."

"I told him when we first got serious," he replied, "losing you is my biggest fucking fear right now. I won't let anyone mess with you - and I know you can hold your own, but I'm not talking about that shit. People talk."

You nodded, daring to place a quick kiss to his cheek as you chuckled. "Thanks... you didn't have to, though. I don't give a fuck if people talk - I'm a grown fucking man, I've got more important shit to worry about than what some cunt has to say about us."

Slade chuckled, scratching at his throat for a second. He did always like that about you, the fact that you didn't care what people had to say and that you were more than capable of handling things by yourself; sure, he gave you a few tips on how to make things easier in a physical fight, but you didn't need much. After all, when he had met you, you had the Batman pinned down and you were warning him not to go anywhere near you; he relaxed a little, knowing that he didn't have to worry about protecting you took a great weight off of his shoulders, and watching you easily take down your opponents when you had to was something he never tired of. He liked you, a lot, and he was glad when you started living with him; although now, you spent more time with a book than sparring - you could relax. You didn't have to worry, and neither did he. Even if he did still fear losing you - whether because he fucked up or because something happened - he didn't worry much. And his fears were mostly pushed down.

[anabsolutetrainwreck]

but we’re still young || h. styles

warnings: mentions of alcohol, references to alcoholism, swearing, brief mentions of death, sexual references, discussions of infertility, googled medical diagnoses, breakup, references to covid, not really proofread

word count: 7.2k

summary: anecdotes of a relationship destined to collapse...

01 march, 2013

“Just talk to her, man!” Liam yelled over the deafening music of the club. Harry sighed, his eyes drifting between the drink in his hands and you. You were dancing with your friends, laughing as the skinny girl tripped over her own feet. Snapping his eyes away from you, he glanced across at Liam, “Bit creepy, though, isn’t it?”

“You have been staring at her for the past five minutes. That’s creepier than just talking to her,” Liam shrugged, patting Harry on the back. 

The band had been given the night off. Finally. Collectively, they’d all decided to go out together. That’s not to say they would be staying out too late, though - they had an early start the next morning. “Yeah, man,” came Niall’s voice. “Just go buy her a drink or something.”

“No,” Louis said quickly, arriving at the bar with Zayn. “Don’t do that. They’d rather you just spoke to them than try and buy them a drink. It makes it seem like you’re trying to get them drunk and, you know…”

Harry finished the rest of his drink, running a hand through his hair. Zayn glanced between him and the exit to the club, “Harry, mate, maybe you shouldn’t. If somebody sees you talking to a girl and leaks it to the press-”

“Well, then they’re a dickhead,” Liam said. “It’s your life, Hazza. Worth a shot, right?”

Zayn sighed, “Yeah, they’re a dickhead. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be her who faces the consequences for talking to you. You know what they’re like whenever we talk to a girl.”

“Too late,” Niall said quickly, gesturing over to the three girls walking over to the bar. One of the girls was considerably drunker than the others, both of them having to support her. The five boys tried to be subtle as they carefully watched you and your friend sit the drunker one down at the booth by the bar. They could just about hear your conversation over the music. After all, you weren’t sat all that far away. “Jesus, Eileen,” you sighed, examining your giggling friend. “What did you drink?”

“I think we should take her home,” your other friend said. 

“No!” Eileen protested. “We’re having so much fun!”

“You’re so drunk,” the other one laughed at Eileen and your frustrated expression. 

“You know me, Nelly, I love a good vodka and coke!” Eileen grinned. “Once I have one, I can’t stop.”

“Have you considered therapy?” Nelly joked. “An AA meeting, maybe?”

You scoffed, slumping back against the padded fabric of the booth. Brushing the loose strands of Eileen’s hair out of her face, you wrapped her jacket around her bare arms. “Come on,” you sighed, “let’s go home.”

You and Nelly carefully lifted Eileen up from the seat to guide her out of the club. The cold London air was refreshing against your flushed cheeks. Yes, you may have been slightly tipsy, but you were nowhere near as bad as Eileen. Besides, Nelly was entirely sober. The only thing she’d drunk that night was a glass of lemonade. She wasn’t much of a drinker. She’d have a glass of wine at fancy dinners and that was usually the extent of it. 

Back inside the sweaty club, Harry was beginning to regret not saying a thing to you at all. He’d watched you leave the club with your friends and he suddenly just wanted to go home. “Tough luck, mate,” Louis sighed, smiling sadly at the deflated boy before him. 

Fortunately for Harry, he noticed something on the table of the booth you’d just been sat at. It was a set of keys. He quickly snatched them up and ran out after you. There was hope for him yet. He ran down the street after you. Thankfully, due to Eileen’s stumbling, you’d yet to get too far. “Excuse me!” he called. “Excuse me, I think you dropped your keys!”

It was you who turned back to look at him. His arm was outstretched, the keys between his fingers. You thanked him as he dropped them into your hand. Once he straightened his back from being hunched over, trying to catch his breath, and his face became illuminated by a streetlamp, did you realise who he was. Harry Styles. You didn’t say anything, though. You assumed he probably got enough of people telling him who he was on the daily that he wouldn’t need an extra one from you. He reached out to shake your other hand, “I’m Harry.”

“I know,” you smiled. “Y/N.”

He grinned. Y/N. He knew your name. Your hand was soft against his. You were wearing this black dress, or maybe it was blue. It was too dark to tell. Your lips were red, maybe pink. You smelt of strawberries. “I think you look really pretty,” he said, thankful it was so dark to hide the red tint that graced his cheeks. 

You smiled politely, trying to ignore the sniggering of Nelly and Eileen from behind you. “Thank you, Harry.”

He nodded, unsure what to say next. But he knew he couldn’t let this opportunity slip from his grasp. “Can I have your number?” he asked, already knowing what the answer would be. Of course you weren’t going to just give him your number. 

You shrugged, “I don’t even know you.”

That wasn’t necessarily true. Your younger brother had given you a full debrief on the members of One Direction last time you’d gone back home to visit your family. He’d made sure not to miss a single detail. So, yes, you did know him. Not personally, of course. But it felt personal. He hung his head, “Yeah. Of course. Why would you trust me?”

You knew he wasn’t saying it in an aggressive or sarcastic way. Really, why would you trust him? You sighed, “You’re famous?”

It was a joke. You were joking. And it took him a split second to laugh. Well, he chuckled, really. “I’ll give you my number if you write a song about me,” you smirked. Again, you were kind of joking. And yet, he nodded. 

“Deal.”

20 november, 2013

And write a song about you he did. You found yourself tangled up in the sheets of his bed five days before his third studio album was set to be released. Two months you’d been together now, and they’d been perhaps the happiest of your life. Running your fingers delicately through his mop of hair, smiling contently as he closed his eyes in utter bliss. It should have been sunny outside, the golden rays practically pouring in through the windows of his flat. But alas, it was pouring with bitter rain. “I have to go soon,” he grumbled, nuzzling his tired face into your waist, wrapping his lethargic arms around your thighs. 

You nodded, sighing, “I know, baby.”

“So much fucking press,” he groaned, forcing his eyes open. “Same fucking questions. What’s your favourite off the album? Who is this one written about? Are you single? Everyone’s in love with you, how does that feel?”

You smiled down at him softly, “Good thing you love talking about yourself then, isn’t it?”

He grinned, “Exactly. Just wish they’d ask something novel and somewhat fucking entertaining. Podcast or songs in the shower? Would you ever become a classical composer? Hardback or paperback?”

“What, and ‘podcast or songs in the shower’ is novel and somewhat fucking entertaining,” you couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, a real exclusive for the journalists.”

He chuckled, dragging himself out of bed. He slipped into the bathroom, emerging in no time at all dressed in a t-shirt and some jeans. Unplugging his phone, he pressed his lips to yours. “I’ll see you later,” he said.

You threw the covers from your body, following him through the flat. Harry grabbed one of his coats, before hugging you tightly. “I love you.”

You pulled away quickly, staring up at him, eyes wide, “Really?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I guess I do.”

“I guess I love you too.”

When he returned, it was dark. You were lying in his bed, your eyelids heavy. He crept in, kissing you lightly. “I wrote a song about you,” he whispered. 

You smiled up at him weakly, “You did? You kept your end of the bargain.”

He nodded. And so, he played it for you. You were curled up in his bedsheets, listening to a song a guy had written about you. And it was pretty fucking good. “When did you write it?” you asked as it came to an end.

“A few nights after we met. Do you like it?” he asked nervously.

You nodded, grabbing his face to kiss him, “I love it. What’s it called?”

“Little Black Dress.”

07 january, 2014

Months passed. And every single one seemed to get better than the last. It felt as if you were high, right up in the clouds, every waking moment. But you were nervous. Your fingers were practically shaking. However, as soon as Anne opened the door to greet you both with her warming smile, the nerves just seemed to disappear. Vanish. She hugged you first, squeezing you tightly as if she’d know you all her life. She hugged Harry next, hurrying you both in. 

The house was warm and cosy and oh so welcoming. There were pictures on the wall of Harry and Gemma as kids and some of Anne and Robin on their wedding day. You couldn’t help but smile at them. Harry noticed you admiring the snapshots of history that had been framed and hung up on the wall. “Cute, wasn’t I?” he joked, squeezing your hand. 

You shrugged, “Not as cute as Gemma.”

You had met Gemma before. You’d gone out to dinner with her and Harry when he decided he wanted you to meet his family. She was lovely and too kind to you. But this was your first time meeting Anne and Robin. Their warm smiles and kind words did nothing but make you feel at home. 

After chatting for a while, they let you and Harry get settled in. You’d be staying for a couple of days before heading back down to London. He showed you around his childhood bedroom, which did nothing but fill you with joy. “Nothing’s changed,” he smiled, eyes exploring the room that still made him feel like a kid again. “I love coming back. Brings me back down to earth, you know? Back to home. I know it’ll always be here, no matter where I go.”

“That’s poetic,” you said. His lips curved up slightly and when he pressed his lips to your head lightly, you couldn’t help but smile too. It almost felt illegal to be so innocently intimate in his childhood bedroom, filled with long-forgotten memories of a life once lived. 

Later, as the sun set over the house that you already felt so welcomed in, you found yourself sat beside Harry in the kitchen. You’d become acquainted with the cats that inhabited the home and Anne’s gorgeous cooking. As Anne and Robin got to know you, you made sure to ask plenty of questions about them. The smile that adorned your face throughout the evening and the following days never seemed to fade or die away. And, by the end of your stay at Harry’s childhood home, you felt as if you’d known Anne and Robin all your life. As if you’d known the walls of the house all your life. And the pictures of youthful ignorances and watercolours of distant landscapes. And the cats that purred loudly as they ran their head along your legs the last thing before you slept and the first thing before you woke. 

And you were sure you could revel in the feeling of warm, welcoming homeliness of the home and the family for the rest of your life.

12 october, 2014

Nelly had looked truly ravishing on her wedding day. The white dress was an unusual contrast to her jeans and sweaters. You were convinced there was nothing she couldn’t pull off. Harry had been hanging off your arm all evening, like a lost toddler. He’d acted like one too, making comments about being tired and his feet hurting all day. You paid no mind to him, though. This was Nelly’s day and she was your friend and you wanted to be there to support her. You’d known the girl since your first day of secondary school when you were both a mere eleven years old. 

Eileen plopped herself down beside you, her eyes exploring the faces that were lost on her in the large hall. Everybody was mingling now, catching up with people they hadn’t seen since 2010. Her presence pulled you away from your hushed conversation with Harry. “I don’t even know who half of these people are,” Eileen sighed. 

“That’s how it usually goes at weddings,” Harry replied, taking a sip of the provided champagne, slumping back in his chair slightly. 

“Like, who even is that?” she sighed, gesturing subtly to an elderly man stood with Nelly and her mother. 

You sighed, “That’s her granddad.”

“Oh,” Eileen said. “Are you sure? I thought her granddad died last year.”

“No, that was my granddad,” you chuckled. “That’s Nelly’s Granddad Joe.”

“If you say so,” she sighed, finishing the rest of her gin and tonic. “They all look the same to me. White hair, wrinkly.”

Harry stifled a snort at Eileen’s nonchalant tone. You patted her shoulder lightly, also amused. Eileen had a habit of growing very tired of boring occasions very quickly. It had happened numerous times before and it always cracked you up. She started up again, “I never mind the actual ceremony, like that’s somewhat interesting. It’s the mingling I can’t stand. We’ve been here for two hours, Nelly’s already married, why do people care about this stuff so much?”

“Because it’s nice to catch up with people,” you replied. 

She lay her head down on your shoulder tiredly, “That’s what Facebook is for.”

Harry chuckled, “Well, she isn’t wrong.”

You tried so hard not to sigh so loudly, but it still came out louder than you perhaps would have liked, “Will you two at least pretend to give a shit? Eileen, this is our best friend getting married and you don’t care. We’ve known her for ten years, liven up. Harry, this is my friend and I want to celebrate with her. Just suck it up and deal with it. We’ll go soon.”

You were quite literally dealing with toddlers. You looked up when Nelly finally came and sat down at the table you’d been huddled around. She finished what was left of her drink and threw her head back. “I’m so tired,” she sighed. Even the bride was beginning to act like a two-year-old. 

“I can imagine,” you offered her your best smile. “So, how does it feel to be married?”

“Relieving,” she explained. “But somewhat anticlimactic. My feet hurt and I’m sick of having to say hello to every single aunt, uncle, cousin, nephew, niece. Just to get told ‘oh, I never thought I’d see our Nelly get married’ or ‘my, haven’t you grown’? Yes, Linda, I have. Because it’s been seven years since you’ve last seen me, I’m not thirteen anymore.”

The three of you exchanged amused glances at Nelly’s grumbling. She was throwing her arms about, staring down at the white tablecloth that had a big wine stain in it. Your mother had knocked over her wine when explaining to Harry how much of a teacher’s pet you were in school. Obviously, you had to interject and explain that caring about grades didn’t equal a teacher’s pet. “Oh, you never thought you’d see your Nelly get married, did you? Well, maybe that’s because gay marriage was only legalised last year. Fucking disgusting,” Nelly went on.

Eileen quickly held up her hand, “Please, we’ve heard this rant before.”

Nelly sighed, glancing boredly at Eileen. You all sat in peaceful silence for a moment, comforted by the feeling of Harry’s large hand on your leg. When your mother finally came over, telling you she was heading off, you decided it was time for your departure too. So, congratulating Nelly and her new wife, Emma, on their marriage and beautiful ceremony and bidding farewell to those you were sure you wouldn’t see again until 2016, you and Harry ventured back to your little flat. 

Once you were showered and out of the dress you felt so beautiful in, you tumbled into bed, happy to finally have those heels off. Harry’s suit was stranded across your bedroom floor in little piles of shirt and trouser and sock. “Can I perform at our wedding?” he asked, turning to look at you as you lay your head back against the inviting softness of your pillow. 

His question and casual tone is what awoke all the life in you. You didn’t sit up dramatically and make a scene about it. You merely rolled over to face him directly, smiling softly at him, “Who said we’ll be getting married?”

He shrugged, “I think it’d be quite nice if we did one day.”

“Maybe,” you hummed, finding a wonderful level of contentment in the discussion of the future with Harry. “But you’re not performing at it.”

He chuckled, “Why not? Me and the boys. The lads and I. A bit of Up All Night? Some more recent stuff? Come on, Y/N, you’d love it.”

“Not when my new husband is singing with his little boyband.”

Hearing you refer to Harry as your ‘new husband’ certainly made him light up inside. And his head was suddenly filled with all sorts of fantasies of what it would be like to wake up beside you every day. To come home from a long day and order food in because neither of you could be bothered to cook. To get your first pet together, probably name it after a character in a show you were presently obsessed with. To raise a family together. To fight through the sleepless nights of infancy, but knowing it would all be worth it because, at the end of the day, he knew you’d always be there. Just as he’d always be there for you. 

And he smiled, because he knew this was where he wanted to stay for as long as he can. With you. 

15 may, 2015

It felt different waking up under the sun in Italy. Same sun, just… different. It was Italian. It was glorious. Perhaps it was the peacefulness of not having management drag Harry out of bed in the early hours of the morning. Perhaps it was the refreshing release of the pressures of university coursework. Perhaps it was the mere fact that you were completely alone with nobody to interrupt you. 

Harry’s hair was splayed out across the cool silk pillows that rested quite perfectly on the bed you wished belonged to you. His tattooed arms were slung lazily over your body and the thin sheets had been kicked to the bottom of the bed in your sleep. It was something about being on holiday that always made you tired, despite doing nothing but reading or lounging about in the sun or splashing about in the pool. 

He was snoring quietly, still sleeping soundly. You were happy, though, staring out the large floor-to-ceiling windows that replaced a wall of the bedroom in the villa you were staying at. It opened up onto the pool and had a simply marvellous view of the blue sea. It was a short walk into town, but you and Harry had made a point of exploring it all within the first three days so you could spend the rest of your overdue holiday cuddled up together in the sunlight.

When Harry stirred, his tired eyes still full of sleep, you finally sat up. He wrapped his arms around your waist, trying to pull you back down. You laughed, trying desperately to pry his fingers off your skin. “I’m getting up now,” you said happily. 

“Don’t,” he grumbled, closing his sleepy eyes again. “Why get up when we can stay here forever?”

“Why stay here forever when we’re literally in Italy and there’s a pool outside?” you countered. 

“But why go swim in the pool when we did that yesterday?”

You shook your head at him, laughing. You pulled yourself away from the bed that could only be described as heavenly. He watched you leave, smiling away to himself. Was this what it felt like to be in love?

Carrying a bowl of fresh strawberries, you wandered out into the garden of the villa. Soon enough, Harry joined you in his yellow shorts. Of course there had been paparazzi pictures of you and Harry exploring Amalfi, hands clasped together tightly. But, for once, you paid no mind to them. Usually, you found it hard not to stare at the pictures of you and Harry for hours, picking apart all the pixelated details of your face and body. You would be lying if you said it didn’t take a toll on you mentally. But, when you were able to turn your phone off for a week and just enjoy the world around you, it left you feeling refreshed and cleansed. 

Harry sat himself down by the side of the pool, letting his legs swing between the cool ripples of water. He lay his head back, letting his eyes flutter shut. No words were exchanged, for none were needed. You were both in silent agreement that this was where you wanted to go when you died. 

When you finished your strawberries and your lips and fingertips smelt suitably like them, you clambered up from the bench and slipped quietly into the pool. The water was contrastingly cold compared to the sun that beat down relentlessly but perfectly. You swam towards Harry, interlacing your strawberry-scented fingers with his own. He looked down at you, smiling brightly at the sight of such. “I love you,” he whispered. 

You grinned, “I love you too.”

“I’d call it more of an unhealthy obsession with me,” he replied, shrugging jokingly.

You scoffed, “If anyone has an unhealthy obsession with someone, it’s you. Let’s go to Italy, you said, you can finish your uni coursework later. You begged me to come here with you.”

He smirked down at you, “Begged? You seemed pretty eager to me.”

“Well, you never have been very observant,” you joked, squeezing his hands tightly, before dragging him into the pool with you. 

When he finally resurfaced, brushing his long hair out of his green eyes, he reached out to grasp you. He pulled you close, wrapping his arms around your body submerged in the water. Placing a gentle kiss on the tip of your nose, he held you as if he was scared you were going to be pulled away from him. As if was the last time he would ever get to feel your skin against his own. “When we go home,” he whispered, “move in with me.”

You lay your head against his shoulder, softly closing your eyes. All you needed was the sound of his light breathing and the increased beating of his heart as he waited for any kind of indication of a response from you. “Yeah, okay,” you replied, equally as quiet.

You didn’t want to make a deal about moving in with Harry. The setting wasn’t right. You were holding each other tightly in the pool of an Italian villa in Amalfi, the world around you warm and serene. So, you agreed gently, buzzing violently inside at the prospect of all the adventures you and Harry could get up to living together.  

02 july, 2016

You’d lived in Harry’s flat for a month before you both decided to buy your own house. It was a lovely home in Chelsea that you and Harry had simply fallen in love with when you first saw it. It felt perfect in the sunlight and in the pouring rain. But, as you both returned from going out for drinks after your university graduation ceremony, you were quickly irritated by the half-painted walls and flat-pack furniture. 

A week or two prior to your graduation ceremony, you had both been sat at the island in the kitchen, when you both decided that you wanted to renovate the house. Maybe replace the grey walls in the living room with a forest green and swap out the black and white furniture for navys and mustards. The modern style of the house had been nice at first, but it quickly began to feel like less of a home and more of an office building. So, you decided to change it up a bit.

Harry recently got back from America after finishing some last-minute shoots on the new Christopher Nolan film he’d been cast in. While you’d visited him once when he was shooting in Dunkirk, you still felt eternally grateful to have him back home. And, while you could sit and hear him talk about what it was like working with Christopher Nolan and the likes of Tom Hardy and Kenneth Branagh, you grew increasingly stressed about graduating and renovating the house. But now the graduation was over and you were officially free of education. The renovation was well underway and you were actively seeking a job with your English literature degree. “Thank God that’s over,” you sighed, sitting down at the kitchen island after pouring yourself a glass of chocolate milk. “Finally free of the tiresome shackles that are higher education.”

He snorted at you, “I’m proud of you. Just think, you were only in your first year at university when we first met.”

You couldn’t help but smile. So much had changed in the last three years of your life. You were sat with your boyfriend, who had just come back from shooting a movie, in the kitchen of your own house in Chelsea, London having just come back from your university graduation ceremony. One of your closest friends was married and had been happily for coming up to two years. The other had just got herself into a relationship after ranting to you about how she wanted to stay single forever countless times before. Life was good and you were content in where you were for your age. Who wouldn’t be? You’d just broken into your 20s and were about to enter the brutal world of careers. “I miss your long hair,” you said suddenly, pouting slightly at the sight of Harry without his hair you’d grown so used to. 

“I don’t. Dries so much quicker after showers,” he said. “Stays out of my face when I’m doing stuff. Doesn’t get knotted so easily. So many perks to shorter hair.”

“But you looked so hot with it,” you said, mocking a sad tone.

He smiled, “Don’t I look hot now?”

You shrugged, “You always look hot. Just less hair to grab now.”

His cheeks flushed and you couldn’t help but laugh, “You’re so cheeky sometimes!”

“Just speaking the truth, your honour,” you raised your hands in surrender. “What shall we order in for dinner?”

“Up to you, it’s your day after all,” he smiled. “I’m just going for a shower, so just order me whatever.”

As he got up, he pressed his lips to yours briefly as he walked past, squeezing your shoulder. It was the domesticity of it that made you fall in love with him more and more. Late nights binging crappy tv shows and early morning leftovers and the moment of realisation that you’d forgotten to water the plants by the kitchen window. It was what you’d imagined the entire time you’d been with Harry. All of these hypotheticals that you had stored away in your mind were now your simply marvellous reality.

10 may, 2017

The topic of children had been brought up a few times before. You’d both agreed that you wanted them one day. Mid-twenties maybe, 25 or 26? You’d been together since you were both nineteen, but you were still young. That’s not to say that if you happened to fall pregnant now you’d be entirely opposed to becoming parents. Your house had long been finished and you had a decent job and Harry had his debut album and his film coming out. 

But presently, you found yourself sat on the sofa, listening to Harry’s completed album. Anne was sat beside you, silently absorbing the masterpiece that her son had crafted. As Two Ghosts slowly became Sweet Creature, you felt yourself tear up, only to look over and find Anne in floods of tears. You knew, as you listened intently to the lyrics, it was Harry’s way of assuring you it was going to be okay. You didn’t need to worry about starting a family yet. You didn’t need to worry about arguing with him. It would all be okay in the end. 

As the final note of From the Dining Table echoed across your living room, it was safe to say you and Anne were both desperate to hear it all again. Harry Styles being unapologetically himself was something you would be eternally proud of him for. 

21 july, 2017

Maybe if you hadn’t gone to the Dunkirk premiere on Harry’s arm, you wouldn’t be feeling so uneasy. You were there to look nice and give the newspapers something to talk about the next morning. Always something about ‘HARRY STYLES AND LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND Y/N Y/L/N AT DUNKIRK PREMIERE’ which would be full of meaningless facts about your relationship, your education and career and family, who styled the two of you. Of course, you were excited to see Harry in a project he’d put so much life into and you were so proud of him. But it was when you and Harry were being interviewed that you began to feel uncomfortable. 

It had started off fine with questions about what prompted Harry to star in a film, what it was like working with Christopher Nolan, that sort of thing. But, as usual, the interviewers managed to make smooth transitions into Harry’s personal life. “Y/N, you and Harry have been together since 2013, how does it feel to see him succeed on such a global scale?” one asked. 

Your gaze shifted between Harry and the camera behind the interviewer, “Well, he’s happy, isn’t he? And, as long as he’s happy, I’ll always be proud of him.”

He couldn’t help but smile to himself at your answer, as did the interviewer, who knew they were getting some good footage. It wasn’t often you did publicity things. Obviously, you would have to be in certain places with Harry to spark some news articles, which were completely set up by Harry’s management. You didn’t mind that so much. But being asked about yourself and your relationship was something you didn’t like all that much. You’d go live on Instagram sometimes and you would get a couple of questions about Harry, which you were usually happy to answer. And if you felt uncomfortable answering them, you could just pretend you hadn’t seen it. But in real-life interviews, there was no escaping them and the hole the camera burnt into you. “So, you two have obviously been together for nearly five years,” another began, “is there any possibility of children in your future?”

Harry had been getting the kids question since he turned twenty, but this one seemed to make him flinch slightly. Maybe it was the recent tension you’d both been feeling about starting a family. Were you ready? Weren’t you? Should you get a home that wasn’t so central first? All these questions that neither of you knew the answers to. Maybe it was the recent loss of Harry’s stepfather and the ripple that had caused within the family. “I think we should get a cat before we have a child,” was your reply, your tone joking and your smile friendly, but your answer serious. 

Harry chuckled, “I think we’re both still quite young and we’re both committed to our careers, so having a child right now would just be illogical and impractical. I think it’s healthy to focus on ourselves and our relationship for a few years more.”

But that wasn’t the last question about parenthood. And with each one, you began to feel the pressure of society to start a family more and more. It was actually such a relief to get into the cinema, sit down and just enjoy the film. When you finally got home and up into bed, you had to roll over and voice your thoughts to Harry. “Should we have a baby?” you asked quietly.

“Not if you’re not ready,” he replied in a hushed tone as if he’d been expecting you to bring such a topic up. And, truth be told, he had. He had watched your eyebrows furrow more every time you were asked about kids and your tone become an increasingly stronger mix of shakiness and aggressiveness. 

“Everyone expects us to, Harry,” you said. 

“Well, they’re not in our relationship. It’s your body, love, when you want a kid, we’ll have a kid.”

09 january, 2019

One year ago, you and Harry had decided to start trying for a baby. You had both reached a point in your lives where you were happy and comfortable. You decided it was the perfect time to start expanding your quiet little home. Neither of you were to know the stress that would come in the following months. 

It had been a year. A year and not even a single sign of pregnancy. None of your periods were significantly late, you never felt the urge to throw up in the morning. No weird cravings, no weight gain. 

You were round at Nelly’s house with Eileen. Her wife, Emma, was out for the day so Nelly had invited the two of you round. Six episodes deep into the latest craze of television, the three of you found more interest in conversation. “How’s Harry?” Eileen asked after she’d finished telling you about the new dog she and her boyfriend, Charlie, had adopted. 

You sighed. You didn’t want to lie and say he was fine; that the two of you were fine. Because you weren’t. Every single negative pregnancy test resulted in an extra argument, more pressure and stress and lots more guilt on both ends. “Yeah, yeah, he’s good. We’re good,” you said. 

“You’re such a liar,” Nelly laughed. “Tell us what’s wrong.”

Taking a deep breath, you prepared to explain everything to your friends. From the pressures of the media to the failure to conceive. The two girls sat and listened in silence, absorbing the piles of information you were presenting them with. And, when you were finally finished, Eileen said, “Maybe you should go to the doctors about that. If it’s been a year and you still aren’t pregnant, it might be something they can fix… you know, cure.”

“I’d rather not know if there’s something wrong with me,” you grumbled. 

“I think you would. It would be better to know, right? As Eileen said, it might be something they have some pills for,” Nelly said.

“They have pills for everything,” you sighed. “But fine, I’ll go to the doctors. Only if you come with me.”

“Of course,” Nelly smiled softly as Eileen leaned over to squeeze your trembling hand. “Are you going to tell Harry?”

“I’ll tell him if something happens. If they say it’s nothing, then he doesn’t need to know,” you said quietly. 

Nelly and Eileen exchanged a silent glance, before Eileen said, “It’s been a year, Y/N. It must be something.”

17 january, 2019

You sat nervously opposite the doctor. Your knee was bouncing and your heart rate can’t have been healthy. You had gotten up early, leaving Harry asleep in bed, to come and collect your results from the doctor. She smiled softly at you and it definitely made you feel more comfortable. “So, Y/N. Your results came back and it appears you have Diminished Ovarian Reserve, or DOR. Basically, you have a lower number or quality of eggs, which makes it harder to reproduce. Essentially, you don’t have as much reproductive potential left within your ovaries.”

Her words quickly became a ringing noise rooted deep within your ears. Your eyes fell from her own and found the horrible carpet on the floor far more comforting. You were alone now and you were beginning to wish you’d brought one of the girls or your mother or even Harry. “I-is there any kind of treatment?” you asked. 

She leant back in her chair slightly, interlocking her hands on her lap, “We can prescribe some supplements, which will hopefully increase fertility. But if you want a child, there’s always adoption or we can even try IVF. It’s up to you, Y/N.”

You nodded, grabbing your coat from the chair beside you and slipping your arms into it. You thanked her quickly, taking the supplements and leaving. Everything seemed to pass you by in a blur. It took you a long time to collect your thoughts. And, as you reached your front door, it hit you that you were to blame for the lack of positive pregnancy tests. It was your eggs that were fucking it all up. You might even have a baby right now if it weren’t for you. You took a moment to wipe away the tears that were falling freely from your eyes. You rested your head against the front door before finally pushing your way through. 

Harry was sat at the piano in the corner of the living room. He was still in his pyjamas and there was a glass of half-drunken orange juice on the coffee table. He didn’t turn to look at you when he heard you enter, he just said, “Morning, love. Where have you been? You weren’t here when I woke up.”

He was busy scribbling in his notebook to take any real interest in your whereabouts. This was the problem with the hole you and Harry had dug yourselves trying to conceive: nobody cared anymore. He didn’t care where you went or how you were. He didn’t care how your mother was. You didn’t care about how his day was. You didn’t care how his friends were getting on.  Nobody cared anymore and it was driving you insane. “The doctors,” you said firmly, standing in the doorframe of the living room, waiting for him to turn around. To face you. To fucking look you in the eye and not be a coward for once in his life.

But alas, he didn’t. He kept his eyes trained on the scribbles of lyrics, “Oh yeah? How was it?”

“Shit,” you snapped. “It was fucking shit. I can’t have kids. We can’t have kids. If you cared to know.”

“How come?” he asked, his back paying you more attention than his eyes. 

“Because, Harry, I’m fucking infertile. Okay? I’m infertile. I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. So, we can’t have kids, so there’s no point in even trying anymore.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “We can try again later.”

He wasn’t listening. He didn’t know what you were talking about. You finally snapped in that moment. You’d had enough of living like this. “Why are we trying, Harry?” you asked, the tears you’d tried so hard to hide resurfacing.

“Because I thought you wanted kids,” he replied. 

“No, Harry. Why are we trying? With us. Neither of us cares about the other, we’re both miserable. You’d rather be anywhere but here. And I can’t stand this house any longer. We’re both fucking miserable so why are we still trying? Why are we still fighting for this? Why are we still fighting for a relationship that died months ago?”

He turned to look at you. The scribbling had stopped. The tinkering on the piano had stopped. He was silent. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that, so he didn’t think about it, “I am happy, love. Can’t you see?”

You shook your head, stepping back, “No, you’re not. You’re angry at me and you’ll only blame me because I can’t give us children. I need to leave, Harry.”

“What? Y/N, wait,” he said, but you’d already marched up the stairs to your bedroom. He knew you were packing your things up and what you couldn’t pack you’d come back for later. He knew he couldn’t stop you from leaving. He knew he’d be wrong for trying. Maybe you were right, maybe he was miserable, but he still loved you. God, he was so fucking in love with you. And now he was watching the girl he’d loved since he first laid eyes on her dancing in that club with her friends in 2013 walk out of his life. 

When you came back down the stairs, some bags thrown over your shoulder, you stood in the doorway to get a final glimpse of him. He looked up, meeting your eyes. Your pretty eyes. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. But he knew you weren’t apologising for the outburst. He knew you weren’t going to come crying into his arms and apologise profusely. He knew he wouldn’t have the chance to explain that they could work through it together. As they always had done before. 

“Me too,” he said quietly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And you were gone. You did love him. You felt obliged to tell him so. But you needed to leave. You were being strangled in that relationship, in that house. And you knew he was too. You’d grown to resent each other, but you were sure you would love him forever.

13 april, 2021

The baby gurgled loudly, clasping your hair between his fingers. You smiled down at the little miracle in your arms. He was only six months old. But what a little bundle of joy he was. You looked up at the sight of Eileen emerging from the shop, tucking her mask into her pocket, “Thanks for taking care of him.”

You handed him back to his mother. You had swiftly agreed to look after baby Oliver while Eileen ducked into a shop to buy Charlie his birthday present. You both wandered through the hot streets of London, patrolling the fresh fruit market that radiated a vast variety of marvellous scents. Oliver was asleep, the sun making him tired. You liked the little world you’d built up for yourself since 2019. You were a couple of years older with a flat of your own, with plants you still forget to water. And yet, you couldn’t help the prideful smile that took over your features when you heard that Harry had won a Grammy. Any bitterness you’d felt for him soon dissipated. It was your fault for the collapse of your relationship as much as it was his. 

But, when you saw Harry Styles purchasing some fresh strawberries just a few metres away, it all came flooding back. A tsunami of forgotten memories. You felt like a young and innocent university student who fell in love too quickly again. Maybe that was the reason you approached him. As he turned to leave the stand, his eyes connected with yours. You smiled softly, “Hi, Harry.”

[lilpunkrock]

where you go (i will go) — part xii preview

AN: Hello, everyone! It's been a very busy weekend so, unfortunately, part xii will get posted a little later than normal this week. In the meantime, enjoy this sneak peek of the update! Bonus points to those who theorize why these lovebirds are reading what they are.

. . .

The honey-gold sand of the beach is soft and fine between your toes. As a new wave of tide pulls toward you, you stretch your sun-kissed feet toward it, eager to dip them in the clear blue water. 

Though your thick copy of Le Morte d’Arthur lays open in your hands, your attention is elsewhere. Mere feet away, Fake Dream sits on the beach, one long leg extended in front of him, the other drawn close to his chest. It provides the perfect perch for his arm and the well-worn copy of Eugene Onegin he holds in one hand. His sharp chin is dipped in concentration, his pink lips pursed as if to read the words aloud. His ocean eyes devote each word rapt attention, lingering thoughtfully on some pages before pulling slowly to others. 

With each page his nimble fingers turn, a fuzzy warmth settles in your chest, swaddling your heart like cashmere. You suspect you could sit here like this forever. Given that none of this is real, you suppose you could. 

As your eyes pull from his studious face, you can’t help but smile at the way his black cloak spills around him, rippling over the sand. A tiny sand crab scuttles over it, stopping to tug at his hem with one minuscule claw. You laugh through your nose at the sight, trying to be quiet, but the sound does not escape Fake Dream. His eyes are upon you instantly, wide and alert. “You are judging me,” he says softly, brow quirked and voice underlaid with mirth. 

You shake your head at him, biting back your grin. “No, no, I’m not. It’s just nice to see you reading something other than a record of dreams, that’s all.” Your eyes settle on the slight curl at the corners of Eugene Onegin’s cover, the faded color of its well-worn paperback spine. “You know, if anyone had asked me before today, I definitely would have pegged you as an old Russian literature kind of guy. I know they say not to judge a book by its cover, but yours is pretty worn. I assume this isn’t your first time reading it?”

Dream cocks his head slightly, considering your words. “I appreciate literature from all cultures, though this piece is one I often come back to.” He pauses, blue eyes studying you thoughtfully. “Have you read it?” 

“I haven’t.” You look down at the hefty copy of Le Morte d’Arthur in your hands, the cover faded slightly from the ghost of your own past readings. “Have you read mine?” you ask.

“I have.”

You roll your eyes at him with a chuckle. Of course he has. He probably inspired it himself. “What makes you keep coming back to that one?” you inquire, curious.

Fake Dream pauses, lowering his pale gaze to the novel in his hands. His thumb traces the edge of one page slowly, almost caringly. Reverent. A shiver trails down your spine in spite of the warm sun above. “I suppose I have never fully grasped the theme at the heart of it, though I suspect I am starting to.” His eyes rise to meet yours. “Regardless of how many times I read it, there  is always more to learn.”

Your fingertips press into the hardback in your hands a little tighter. “Yes, yes there is.”

[trashmenace]

Alfred Hitchcock Anthologies

Woe be to the Alfred Hitchcock anthology completist.

Genius director and garbage can of a human being Alfred Hitchcock's name has been attached to over a hundred books and hundreds of digest magazine installments with thousands of stories of mystery and suspense. With a possible exception of the very beginning, he neither selected the stories nor wrote the introductions in his name.

A better history is at Casual Debris. A 95% accurate and complete bibliography at Casual Debris and The Hitchcock Zone. A cover gallery and an index for the magazine is at Galactic Central.

After a handful of scattered titles in the 40s, things picked up after the beginning of the 1955 TV series. Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine began in 1956, and a book series followed in 1957. I don't think they were formally connected, but they had some synergy, with the books reprinting and the TV show filming some magazine stories.

Most of the books came out in hardback and dividing in half for two paperbacks. Some of the paperback titles had a first installment sharing the hardback title, such as Stories for Late at Night, with the second half as More Stories for Late at Night, or with a different title such as Skeleton Crew. So you get the same book with multiple titles, and multiple books with the same title. The hardbacks during this era were mostly from Random House and the paperbacks from Dell, but there are exceptions.

On top of that, there were different editions with different art, and on rare occasions slightly different story lineups, or abridged versions with a couple stories shaved off.

There was a series aimed at children, with the same caliber of stories, and a British series edited by Peter Haining, possibly the hardest to find. There were several French editions, but I haven't compared the table of contents to see if they are straight translations or new lineups.

Meanwhile the digest magazines have been published continuously since 1956 to this day, the second longest running mystery digest next to its sister title Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine. There were reprint titles in the UK, Australia, and India. From 1957 to 1968, mostly in the fall, there was a sampler magazine. These were literally three random unsold magazines with the covers ripped off and stuck in a generic cover. I have a couple with the same cover and each has different titles underneath.

Things get confusing again with the series of 27 anthologies more directly linked with the magazine, edited by Eleanor Sullivan and Cathleen Jordan, published between 1977 and 1989. Some were numbered editions in thicker digest format, some also reprinted in hardcover, some reprinted in two large print hard covers as part one and two, some reprinted in the numbered series Alfred Hitchcock's Book of Horror Stories. Despite being more closely tied to the magazine, not all the stories came from there.

The hardback anthologies continued through the 90s, and began to be combined with stories from Ellery Queen. Cynthia Mason edited the later anthologies, with the theming focusing on theme (holidays, cats, etc) and the mention of Alfred Hitchcock being minimized.

[panharmonium]

bookbinding (five years later)

People who knew me at the height of my Star Wars days might remember my original attempts to bind Ruth Baulding’s Lineage series into a series of paperback books.  When I did that, I had no training and was working off internet tutorials and my own guesswork - I was only able to make perfect-bound (meaning the pages were individual and glued to the spine, as opposed to folded into signatures and sewn together) paperback books, and the exterior spines were (literally) attached to the front and back covers with duct tape.

I’ve had a bit more education in the five years since, and, at my dear friend @brambleberrycottage’s request, I decided to revisit this series and remake the first four books in a case-bound format.  

These cases are still very simple - I don’t have any experience doing in-depth finishing work like foil stamping or leatherwork or that sort of thing - but they are a drastic step up from my duct tape+photo paper constructions of five years ago. X)

The text blocks were divided into signatures and sewn together, then glued up with PVA.  I rounded the spines with a hammer, but didn’t back them, because I don’t have backing boards, so...I just skipped that step for these little books.  They’re thin enough that it didn’t really matter structurally, at least not as much as it would have if I were binding something bigger.

On my old books, I didn’t have any clue how to label the spines, so I literally just wrote out the book numbers on cardstock with a permanent marker and taped the cardstock to the spines.  These new books are finished with metallic heat transfer vinyl to create the illusion of foil stamping (which I don’t have the equipment of the experience to work with).

The covers are made with Davey binders board (80 pt), Colorplan paper, and Cialux bookcloth for the spines.  The above is a test cover I made when I first started planning - you see how it looks bowed or distorted in the bottom picture?  That’s because I wasn’t paying attention and cut the board the wrong way.  The grain should be running parallel to the spine, not perpendicular to it.  Making a cover with the grain running the wrong way means your boards will expand/bend in a way they shouldn’t.

The interior text blocks are just regular printer paper in a cream color, which is one thing that can be slightly frustrating when doing this kind of project - the grain of printer paper runs in the wrong direction for bookbinding when you fold sheets in half for signatures, but you can’t really get around that issue.  These ones still came out okay, despite it - I kept them under weights for a long time.

Professional bookbinders use press boards with a metal strip attached to the edges to create the groove/joint where a hardback cover meets the spine.  I used knitting needles, since I don’t have equipment like that - you can lay them in the faint groove that already exists, and then place your book+needles between two clean boards and leave it under weights until you get a deep joint.

And then you’re ready to read!

I could have stopped at that point, technically, but for this particular project, I decided I wanted to try making dust jackets as well, in order to have the covers sport more of an actual design:

Getting the measurements right for these was probably the most annoying part of the process.

The River Stone™

If you look real close, you can see tiny Bruck about to fall off that waterfall.

(Just kidding.  I didn’t want to be that morbid.)

THE PLANT!

And that’s it!  I had a ton of fun making these, and I learned a lot.  I’m looking forward to starting a new project and seeing what else I can put together.

[babybluebex]

for all the alienist does right in the first season, there is one GLARING error that i just NEED to talk about.

let's talk about the EGREGIOUS continuity in this scene in ep.3

so, for context, laszlo is in his study reading and cyrus brings him a stack of books.

here is cyrus, setting down the books. take note of the small green book on top, with a darker (possibly red??) book under it, along with the stack of hardcover books close to the camera.

this is the direct next shot. FIRST OF ALL, the cream-colored paperback books beside the principal stack of books are not remotely similar to the hardback books we see in the first shot.

here, laszlo is grabbing the small green book at the top of the pile. the hardcover books are back, no paperback books to be seen.

here's where this continuity becomes blatant and ANNOYING

(between these shots, he took his glasses off. make note of that) in this shot, we see the book that laszlo JUST grabbed back on the pile. no hint of him having picked it up. and now there are two books in front of him that were never there before: a brown-ish looking one, and a thick paperback book.

next shot, RED book on top, no sign of the green book. also, the thick paperback book is in a different position, and his glasses are nowhere to be found.

now, we move to a shot of cyrus, sitting opposite laszlo. these paperback books are in a SIMILAR position, but the top book is askew. again, no hint of laszlo's glasses.

and now, the last shot: NO red book, NO green book, NO glasses. the hardcover books are in a different place than ever before, the paperback books towards the front of the table are in a different place, and there is NO sign of the thin cream-colored paperback book.

basically, what the fuck @ the continuity department on s1 of the alienist.

[sinterblackwell]

i don’t know who exactly created this tag but i wanted to thank @arywizm for being the one who happened to make me aware of it since it does seem cool.

book tag:

- how many books are too many books in a series?

my recent two favorite series (the skybound saga by alex london + the timekeeper trilogy by tara sim) both consist of just three books, which works pretty well for me.

but then there’s also the raven cycle series by maggie stiefvater, which consists of four books (+ an additional short story). with each book that i read, i fell deeper and deeper in love with this world the author built so i can’t forget that.

with that in mind, if i do the math, the maximum is five books. any more than that is overkill.

- how do you feel about cliffhangers?

they’re amazing.

ex: “chainbreaker (timekeeper, #2)” by tara sim.

- hardback or paperback?

some hardbacks come with a special design underneath the printed cover depending where you order them from (ex: “cemetery boys” by aiden thomas) so it is really cool to see that, plus the feeling of holding a hardcover book in my hands is immaculate.

however, paperbacks are better.

my copy of “white rabbit” by caleb roehrig proves it. it’s so floppy and brilliant, i can’t get enough of it.

- least favorite book?

“the unfortunate importance of beauty” by amanda filipacchi. it is the first (and hopefully last) book i ever gave a 1-star rating on goodreads.

- love triangles, yes or no?

i feel mostly meh about them because i just don’t care. i would prefer if there not be one because then there’d be less relationship drama but it could sometimes be fun seeing how readers are at such opposite sides when it comes to the ships.

(ex: addie & luc vs. addie & henry from “the invisible life of addie larue” by v.e. schwab. it’s not much of a love triangle but it’s close enough, i guess you can say).

i personally love addieluc.

- the most recent book you just couldn’t finish?

i tried giving “the inheritance games” by jennifer lynn barnes a second try over a month ago but i just couldn’t get into it.

if it was an adult, or even new adult (everyone in the online book community knows how many more books we need under the 18-22 age bracket), the story probably would work better, in my opinion, because it being in the young adult category just makes the writing feel off to me.

- a book you’re currently reading?

there’s two: “the weight of the stars” by k. ancrum + “china room” by sunjeev sahota.

- last book you recommended to someone?

“vicious” by v.e. schwab to a close friend of mine. i raved to him about eli ever and he found the premise really interesting so fingers crossed 🤞🏽

i have a bad habit of recommending books to non-readers but i genuinely can’t help it when i know the book in question would just be absolutely perfect for them.

like, i recommended aftg to this same friend a long while ago and it’s become so incredibly important to him, especially the character andrew, so that’s just a little fact that matters a lot to me.

- oldest book you’ve read?

“we have always lived in the castle” by shirley jackson (first published: 1962).

- newest book you’ve read?

it technically hasn’t even come out yet but it was my book of the month pick for august so it was an early release: “the heart principle (the kiss quotient, #3)” by helen hoang; it’s set to be published on august 30.

note: it can be read as a standalone.

- favorite author?

adam silvera was the first author i ever considered my favorite and he still is. but there’s also olivie blake.

- buying books or borrowing books?

i love that feeling of adding books to my personal collection but 9/10 of the time, i prefer borrowing them first so that i know for sure i want to own them for myself.

- a book you dislike that everyone else seems to love?

i don’t necessarily dislike it but i didn’t care too much about it: “the mark of athena (heroes of olympus, #3)” by rick riordan.

it was my least favorite of the series, although, “blood of olympus (heroes of olympus, #5)” was slightly disappointing, but only just because of how rushed the ending felt.

- bookmarks or dog-ears?

bookmarks!! there’s these charm ones i buy off of etsy and they’re really cute.

- a book you can always reread?

“autoboyography” by christina lauren; i originally answered this one with “masters of death” by olivie blake because it has become a huge comfort book of mine in the last couple of weeks but then someone by michael schulte just popped up in my shuffle and my mind changed.

the song’s always reminded me of sebastian & tanner from “autoboyography” so i couldn’t help including them in this tag because they mean a lot to me.

- can you read while listening to music?

i just listened to the entirety of taylor swift’s “red (deluxe)” album while reading “it ends with us” by colleen hoover so……yes.

- one pov or multiple povs?

multiple!! i especially love it when authors include the perspectives of some minor characters since personally, i think it adds more depth to the story (ex: the skybound saga by alex london).

a booktuber complained about this in “the jasmine throne” by tasha suri but it just made me that much more excited to read the author’s new adult fantasy.

- do you read a book in one sitting or over multiple days?

depends on the book, really.

i read the entirety of “firestarter (timekeeper, #3)” by tara sim all while laying in bed with very few social media breaks in between.

on the flip side, it took me over a couple weeks to finish “these violent delights” by chloe gong.

- who do you tag?

i wasn’t tagged to do this, it was just something i thought could be fun and it was. i hope maybe there’s any titles that stuck out to anyone who comes across this, reader or not, since i do believe that there’s always a book out there for everyone.

if this is something that could be fun for you, i tag: @tawmlinsun @kritiquer @flying-elliska @dreamingoftinystars and @minyardss