#it's been an exhausting couple months

[nullshocked]

Help I accidentally created another blorbo and we love him.

[rookclan]

Updates will be slow until August, I may get a small chapter in before Art Fight! In the meantime, I will potentially be adding 1-2 characters to my art fight profile as available characters, though I am not sure who I would like to put up.

[zerolostwalks]

On this birthday, there is one particular shout out I feel must be made.

To all my depression, anxiety, and mental illness:

FUCK YOU BITCHES!! I LIVE!!!!!

[lottieurl]

maybe i'm just a failure of a person but working full time means i genuinely have trouble keeping my damn place clean not to mention make doctor appointments so i put them off for weeks but it's fine it's all good lol

[kuromi-hoemie]

feel like I've genuinely spent at least a quarter of my day too horny to think. i was going to do some kind of art today but I've been thinking about the boy...

[figofswords]

anybody remember the stephanie brown essay I was working on under a research grant fully last summer? yeah it’s not done yet it super needs to be done and I’ve been avoiding working on it for weeks. someone tell me to just do it already

[janiedean]

god hello some news ig?

... yeah HI *waves*

so, I've been crap at keeping up with social media lately and I miss hanging out on here and I'm planning to keep up at least this month but i'mma just give a small update here sooo

dunno if it was obvious from my last post but I moved out of parents' and going in between feeling proud of myself for not fucking up dinner to crying over how much I suck when I manage to burn pre-made soup but hey the place is still not a complete mess so that's a win

I worked two jobs last year which completely sapped 90% of my force of will to do anything

rn I'm sticking with one which is sadly not exactly earning me atm so I'm trying to get the whole thing going decently but I have to hang on a bit more and then it might hopefully meanwhile I'll settle for scraping by but I could do worse

(I can't say what it is specifically as much as I'd like because it's a thing I actually enjoy doing but it's extremely niche and if I said what it is I'd end up giving doxxing fodder and I'm still paranoid but I can share on dm) (let's just say it's the good kind of retail)

the highlight of my last month for good or bad was watching all of attack on titan in one week and let's just say it was a decision™️

let's say that I'm mentally in a very bleh place but not being with the parents all the time has tbf helped some so hopefully I'll dig myself out asap also because I'd like to y'know be active again

(tbf there was a thing that has happened... entirely too long ago at this point and don't I wish I could get over it but a hello of a long time later I came to terms with the fact that it yeeted me straight into crap coping mechanisms that I thought I had gotten over ten years ago (thought being the key word) and I really don't wanna air dirty laundry also bc I really should move on but when I'm like this I feel like I'm bothering most people with my mere presence and I tend to self-isolate and tbh right now is worse than it was fifteen years ago but eh I'll get over it but like if I show up then I disappear for three weeks then show up again it's... that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

anyway hello people I missed you all I swear I'll be more present this next year hoping it's not 90% crap as this one was T_T

[rosecoloredknight]

[dentist-brainsurgeon]

I can tell I'm bored/under stimulated/???? When I start watching abandoned locations and general "What Went Wrong" style videos

[thisdreamplace]

i keep having these glimpses, of purity, of truth and also cloudedness easily provided by the ego.

i know its a moment of transformation, of rebirth. for a moment all is clear, and i get it. peace flows to me in abundance, love is a thing i am and not a thing i seek. all is well and there's nothing to ask for anymore, nothing to want.

but other times, its a downward spiral and crash landing into every painful story i ever called mine. any hurtful belief i easily accepted back then, when i simply didnt know what i know now. and sometimes its so heavy, i can hardly make the seperation between a story and my true self.

i've learned so much on this journey, experienced such beautiful things. but the truth is, things havent been easy for me lately and i want to be transparent about that. more than anything, i'd like to allow safety and knowledge of the process. knowing these things, doesn't make it an overnight process. and that's okay. i'm saying this for myself, but for everyone else too who feels like they're doing something wrong because they read the posts and they get it, and yet that hasn't stopped the fears or doubts or ego from taking over time to time. let's never pretend the process doesn't exist, because then we'd be denying this life we chose to come here and live and explore, and that just makes everything more painful than ever necessary. it's deattachment from what the ego says things are supposed to be, and just allowing what truly is, beyond all that.

the post i wrote about indifference, i understand it more than ever. that being said, it doesn't mean i am always successful. but even so, i know that's where i want to go back to each time. it makes so much sense, there's nothing to fight, and even more, there's nothing to liberate myself from. i've been sitting with myself, sometimes with binural beats on (i just really like them, no need for them tho) and just sit with everything. not in a fight, not to say "i dont believe in you, go away"... but to simply say "welcome in, your presence literally changes nothing." and sit with that uncomfortable feeling if it arises.

i'm leaving this blog indefinitely, once again. i love reading all of your lovely words, and finding small pockets of inspirations from some of you other lovely bloggers out there. but it's also time for me to turn away again, to find peace in my own life, and come closer to the god within and the love that is infinitely mine, if only i'll allow myself to acknowledge it.

[zombeesknees]

As of 10/18/23:

Now that we've officially marched on the boss and openly declared, I can publicly drop this news that's been several weeks in the making:

The Bloomington, IL, Barnes & Noble is unionizing with the RWDSU.

[lucyflawless]

I loooove being tired all the time and then crawling into bed, thinking finally! and then not being able to get to sleep no matter how hard I try 😭😭😭

[thethingything]

I really don't like our brain's ability to jump from "I'm going to organise all this stuff and catch up with a bunch of tasks" to "it's time to get stuck in an increasingly distressing thought spiral for several hours, accidentally trigger yourself, then feel like shit because you haven't done anything but also haven't managed to rest".

like please can we maybe have like a nice middleground where we do a few things and then rest for a while and don't experience the full range of human emotions over the course of about 3 hours

[effervescent-fool]

.

[cherries-and-knives]

GUESS WHO GOT EARLY ACCEPTANCE INTO THE COLLEGE SHE WANTED?? THIS GIRLLLLL :D

(Wishing allllll the people’s applying for college rn good luck, and some sanity because lord knows it’s needed :,)

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

z.....