#it's been 4 days and I've already given him trauma

[hoodieseasoned]

I've had this hermitcraft au idea absolutely infesting my brain for about a week now and normally with these things i just let them pass NOT because i don't want to write them but i just never have the energy for it

today, i sat down for the first time in like, maybe a year and wrote for like almost three hours straight,, tbh it was mostly just bullet points to frame out how i want to do this but i also ?? managed some short ??? scenes and dialogue ???????

i dont want to be overconfident bc there's still a big big chance I'll abadon this thing soon after i run out of energy but man,, it is pretty damn nice to be writing again

[the-crooked-library]

Nuance, Narratives, and Nosferatu

As of today, Robert Eggers' Nosferatu (2024) has only been in theatres for 4 full days; and, coincidentally, that is about as long as I am able to let my thoughts marinate before they demand to be communicated. Before going into any further detail, let it be known that this film was made by freaks for freaks; it exists for the goths, the gays, the monsterfuckers, the historians, and for all those who delight in moral and thematic complexity.

With that being said - spoilers under the cut!

There are two principal narratives running through the flesh of Nosferatu, both of them rooted heavily in the cultural and literary origins of the story. It is a nightmare; it is also an erotic fantasy. It is horrifying, and it is also achingly romantic. From what I've seen so far, the vast majority of discourse that has already emerged around the film is caused by people misunderstanding or deliberately ignoring the relationship between these different lines of analysis; so please trust me when I say, from the bottom of my heart, that this duality is the very lifeblood of the movie.

The reason for that is, quite simply, that Nosferatu is a gothic horror film, set in 1830s German Confederation; and its plot relies on the same (sometimes contradictory) complexities often displayed in Victorian gothic fiction.

From the beginning of the movie, we are given to understand that Ellen Hutter met Count Orlok - the eponymous nosferatu - psychically, when she was very young. They spoke, she pledged herself to him, and was horrified to realize what she had done when he revealed his true visage to her in their first visual (and sexual) encounter.

Here, under the lilacs, the paths diverge.

The first reading of the film is perhaps the more straightforward. A young girl is essentially catfished and groomed by a much older, dangerous man. When they meet for the first time, she is a teenager; the lilacs that bloom where it happens become a trigger. He is the source of her madness and "melancholy" (depression), she has nightmares about him regularly enough that her husband is aware of them, and it is implied that she has been institutionalized in the past. Thomas Hutter is the physical representation of her one desperate hope for a normal life - but as the story progresses, she finds herself being denied even that. Orlok's psychic connection with her verges on demonic possession; in chilling, The Exorcist-inspired sequences, she writhes and mutters, prophesying a city-wide reign of death and terror. In pursuit of his claim on Ellen, Orlok terrorizes her husband, murders her friends - and, eventually, she gives her life to take him with her to the grave, saving the city from the plague he caused.

That is the horror element of Nosferatu; it deals with an exploration of childhood trauma, of PTSD, of difficulties maintaining a social life after the fact. It is easy to understand even from a modern viewpoint, and it pushes the film to its conclusion with a bleak, heart-wrenching punch.

The horror is not the only element of Nosferatu.

To contextualize the alternate - though just as correct - reading of the film, it is essential to understand that Ellen’s society was extremely sexually repressed, especially in regards to female and queer sexuality.

Both were severely medicalized, demonized, and restricted; and as such, when these topics do make an appearance in contemporary fiction, they are often inextricable from disgust and fear.

Dedicated as always to historical accuracy, Eggers maintains the same setting-based narrative coding.

In anticipation of morality arguments vis à vis monstrosity, depiction, and modern purity culture, let me clarify: this is something that works within his chosen genre. Horror, and especially gothic horror, invites a deeper analysis in regard to morality and motivation, and in this case, Eggers' homage to the origins of that genre grounds the narrative in its time and location, as well as fleshing it out much further than a purely modern cultural lens would permit. In this context, the details of Ellen's connection with Orlok become paramount to the understanding of the film.

As bits and pieces of their background become revealed, the audience realizes that her psychic gift did not begin with him - and neither did her melancholy, or her isolation. She was born with her abilities, and throughout her childhood, she was a bit of a tomboy by her contemporary standards, running wild in the woods near her father's property; however, once she foretold her mother's death, and once she was too old to get away with eccentricities, her father became frightened of her abnormality. She was isolated, confined indoors, and that is when her melancholy had begun. Painfully lonely and aching for some form of companionship, she called out into the ether; and Orlok responded.

Over the course of their story, he becomes the physical manifestation of everything Ellen perceives as dark and sinful about herself.

He is psychic, he is vicious, possessive, and blatantly sexual; her sensual affection with Anna parallels the evident and physical attraction he displays towards Thomas; and the social power he so easily commands is the same that she lacks, being a woman in a rigidly patriarchal society.

In the end, the severely questionable age gap, the murders, the coercion, the betrayal - all of that comes down to respect. Throughout the film, that is the one thing that Ellen is consistently denied. She is young when she meets Orlok, yes; but she is aggressively infantilized by her surrounding society even when she is a grown, adult, married woman.

It starts from the beginning of the film, when the Hutters visit the Harding family. During those scenes, the men are shown talking business - while the women play with children in the parlour; and the same social framing persists into the body of the film. When Ellen is suffering from what appears to be some form of mental illness, she is referred to as a child by multiple different characters; and when the condition progresses, she is swiftly diagnosed with hysteria and drugged - thus being forcibly removed from the discussion of her own illness. The general reactions to that illness - which is, in fact, a display of her psychic abilities - range from annoyance to fear to curiosity; it is seen either as a disability or a curse, rather than anything entirely innate to who she is. Her fears are dismissed. Harding tells her to learn some deference. Even closer to the finale, when Von Franz admits that she could have been a great priestess in another age, he does so with pity rather than anything else; in their industrial era, he cannot help but see her only as a tragic sacrifice - horrible, but necessary to save the city from a plague. Brought in to heal her, he instead guides her to her death.

All these aspects of Ellen's circumstances find a direct opposite in her relationship with Orlok. Unlike all other characters in the film, he only ever sees her as his equal, which is made even more evident when his interactions with Thomas and Herr Knock are brought into consideration. With both men, Orlok insists on being addressed by his lordly title, "as his blood demands it"; and yet, Ellen never calls him by any title at all, be it "My Lord" or even a simple "Herr." She argues with him freely, and there is a familiarity between them that he is demonstrated to never tolerate from anyone else. Similarly, while he disguises the covenant he makes with Thomas, the terms of his covenant with Ellen are laid out clearly, in full. He does not hide from her; she already knows the worst of him, the same way he knows that she is intelligent, that she is powerful, and that she is not meant to be demure and deferring. Again and again, Orlok insists that Ellen is not meant for humanity - and the true horror, the horror she cannot bring herself to face, is that he is right.

In a sense, he is a mirror held up in front of her own face. Ellen is painfully aware that she does not fit in, and that she never has. The "normal" society, epitomized by the Hardings (wealthy husband, pretty blonde wife, 2.5 kids), has no place for her - and actively dislikes her.

The film makes this ostracism impossible for the viewer to ignore. As the story progresses, it becomes evident that the other human characters - even those that do sincerely care for Ellen - never truly know her. Anna loves her, but wishes she would not talk of dreadful things - and lashes out as a result of that discomfort, scolding her. Sievers finds himself bewildered by her; Knock sees her as an object to trade; Von Franz pities her, Harding hates her, and Thomas cannot truly satisfy her, even after being touched by the supernatural himself.

Seeing a flash of a monstrous face while they are together, he flings her away. To him, his experience with Orlok is merely traumatic, and he wishes for nothing more than to leave it behind. However, to her, it is something she cannot help but crave; and she continues to wear her lilac perfume.*

All that to say - Count Orlok is, simultaneously, everything Ellen wants and everything she is terrified of being.

That specific dichotomy reaches its climax during their mutual finale. As it is to be expected from a vampire wedding night, they rejoin in a sequence of sex, blood, and renewed vows - and what is particularly notable is that (unlike Murnau) Eggers makes it clear that this Orlok never intended to kill his Ellen, despite his inability to resist her blood. Though he drinks from her through the night, he stops at cock-crow; and she guides his head back down herself, distracting him long enough for the sun to rise. It is a duet of accident and intention. He drains her; and she holds him as the sun drains him. They cling together as they end - on a bed that serves their wedding and their death.

It is romantic. it is unquestionably romantic. However, that does not mean that the horror isn't also present; Ellen's consent, under these circumstances, is highly debatable, and Orlok is cruel, amoral, and murderously possessive. At the same time, the characters are also acting out folkloric archetypes, with precious little adjustment to that framework - which further removes them from a modern understanding of morality. He is Death, a Koschei the Deathless, a monster; she is the Maiden, a Vasilisa, a damsel. I hesitate to liken them to the Beauty and the Beast, largely because in the original premise of that story, the Beauty falls in love with the kindness that the Beast consistently displays; and it is essential to stress that Orlok has none. He does care for Ellen, in his own way, but he admits to being incapable of love as she defines it in human terms;** and, curiously, that seems to be her primary concern when it comes to the idea of accepting his proposal - rather than all the blood and carnage.

What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that there are multiple ways of following a story, and multiple different stories in a film as nuanced as Nosferatu. Yes, it is about grooming and trauma. Yes, it is about finding love outside of the cage that is "polite society." I'm sure that it is many other things besides, with as many meanings as there are people in the theatres; after all, I am only one person, and the film grossed something over $40M in its first three days. The point is, really, that this is a story in which a rotting vampire is woken from centuries of deathlike slumber by a lonely voice asking him to be her friend; and whatever these two strange and aching souls do with that can go down any myriad of paths. The film trusts the viewer to interpret the narrative they choose.

* LILAC PERFUME - in fact, it is such a consistent favourite of Ellen's that Orlok smells it on her hair in the locket she sends with Thomas to the castle. Thomas never really learns the reason she likes that scent - even though he knows that preference well enough that he gifts her lilacs in the beginning of the film.

** ORLOK'S OBSESSION - this is a side note, but: the vampire wedding sequence reminds me strongly of the third season of NBC's Hannibal. I suppose that was to be expected, considering that Hannibal is also a Dracula offshoot, much like Orlok himself. When Ellen snaps at Orlok that he cannot love, he responds that "no; but only with you, I can be truly sated." Similarly - "Is Hannibal in love with me?" asks Will; and Bedelia responds - "Could he feel a daily stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you?" I'd say if you liked that series, you should try and see the film. It works with a familiar blend of aesthetic horror.

[yanderepuck]

A YEAR IN THE MAKING

You know this BIG project I keep mentioning??

A good amount of you have guessed it, some of you know all about it because I've been bouncing ideas off of you to help me with the thought process.

SALAÌ IS GETTING HIS OWN ROUTE!!!!

Long story short.. it was supposed to be 8-10 chapters. It was going to be a speed run route. It's obvs not a real route it can be quick and not so indepth right? Right?

It's 20 chapters. With 3 side stories and an Episode 0.

There were going to be 4 cgs but... Art is pricey and well... honestly.. his route isn't even canon.

In Salaìs route, you, the mc, meet Salaì as he's painting in town. He's there looking for someone but you don't know who. But you get closer to him, going on little dates.. having no choice but to stay at his place for a night, helping him get his art shown in a gallery...and then it falls apart

I will be posting each chapter separately. There will be 3-4 days between each chapter. I will have a tag list. If you are tagged on this post you are already part of it. If you'd like to be part of it just comment saying so.

Minor details: so he has 3 side stories plus the episode 0...those will not be posted here. I've put so much work into this.. literally started August 25th last year...they will be available on Kofi as the chapters related to them are posted. They will only $1. You don't need these side stories for the main story just like in the game so please don't complain about me putting 4 of these behind a pay wall.

Info on the route itself: I will be staying this once I start posting it but through the story I will be calling him Salaì..but for a good part of it he goes by a different name. It shouldn't be confusing but he does have three names after all. Also I said his route isn't canon, meaning his route does not line up with his actual lore. In no way would Salai chose Mc over Leonardo, and I also don't put all of trauma of his in here bc its not really the focus, and like I said.. not even canon. BUT I AM WILLING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS AT ANY GIVEN TIME. I also have @ask-salai where you can ask questions about it too if you would want HIM to answer and not me.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS READ AND INTERACT WITH THIS.

Not trying to be threatening... But if this doesn't do well... I'm not sure if I'll continue writing. This is a years worth of work. Reblogs really do mean a lot to me. I want feedback. I want to know what you guys think.

I still need to proof read it all and doubt check some things but I wanted to get the word out about what I was doing.

@chandeliermichel @kissmetwicekissmedeadly @fang-and-feather @namine-somebodies-nobody @evil-quartett @lokis-laugh @candied-boys @breadmercury @aquagirl1978 @xenokiryu @lulu-the-smol-floof @tako-cafe @floydsteeth @spoopy-fish-writes @weird-profiterole

[ceaseless-watchers-special-girl]

you guys. you guys you guys. i think i know what i want from the final season of the penumbra podcast. i have spent the past ten minutes pacing around my room. yesterday i read up to chapter 17 of prydon's fic separate but syncopated (https://archiveofourown.org/works/30943430/chapters/76417991) which let's be honest, you've probably read already. it's phenomenal. if you haven't, you should.

so i've been thinking. i just really want to go back to brahma. i want to go back to brahma and take down the guardian angel system.

the thing is, the junoverse is a very character driven storyline, and i love that about it. the second citadel is more event driven i think, and it was more difficult for me to get into that storyline and stick with it (i'm weak i'm sorry). for example, although the first season focuses a lot on juno solving the whole martian artefact doodah, back then the penumbra crew were still finding their feet.

then junoverse season 2 happened, and the entire point of that season was basically "get juno over his trauma" (that's why it was so long oh my god). sure, there was a whole plot with ramses and the theia souls, but i think we can all agree that was secondary to juno's character development.

next, season 3. season 3 is definitely character driven, you literally can't deny it. it focuses on each member of the carte blanche in turn, and it uses the plot, finding the curemother prime, as a secondary tool to further the true point of the season: getting to know the characters.

season 4 i'm a little less certain about because i'm typing this post straight into tumblr fresh out of my brain (if anyone wants to help out with the analysis i'd love that). but i think the point of season 4 is to test and showcase the bonds of the carte blanche with each other, and juno rescuing them all is not only a good story, but also a good way to show off the relationships they built in season 3. his relationship with nureyev is shown through periodic reading of the journal, and juno's copious inner monologues (i say like i'm one to talk when all of these thoughts are swirling around in my own head).

then, season 5. the point of this season mirrors that of season 2, but this time, we need to get nureyev over his trauma. this is way trickier, because we're not inside nureyev's head, we're still in juno's. it's still character driven because the aim is to help nureyev, but the plot is given by juno having to chase him across the galaxy. hence, juno's hesitation when he finally finds nureyev.

well, steel, you've caught him. now what the hell are you going to do with him?

there is no plot to drive the character study anymore. our goal was to help nureyev, and juno (poor juno) has done all he can. the ball falls squarely into nureyev's court now, and juno has no say in the plot of the rest of the story. this is why i have been chewing myself alive since the last episode — we know what's next for the characters emotionally, but we have absolutely zero idea what's happening next plot-wise. it's killing me.

(what was the point of this post again?)

OH WAIT I'VE GOT IT. so. since our whole thing for this season is helping nureyev, and we all want him to go batshit fucking insane, i really want nureyev to go back to brahma, and finish what he started two decades ago. i think it's the perfect circular story arc to keep them occupied while nureyev heals emotionally from the fallout from everything going on with slip.

also, sorry to get real for a second, but i've just been tearing myself apart being morally outraged at the world we live in, and the fact that i'm barely able to do anything about it. maybe one day i could, but until then, it would be nice to see my favourite space gays set an example.

now, i know there's complications with this. nureyev refused to take the guardian angel system down in the first place because of the damage it would cause, and i'm willing to bet he hasn't excised that moral core just yet, no matter how hard he's trying. but i'm sure they can find a way to make it work. they have rita, after all!!

they're definitely hinting at a homecoming arc for juno. i think nureyev needs one too, is all.

[stellari-s]

twst 30 day challenge: day 30

what's your hottest twst take?

final one! so i've got two hot takes, and the first one is this: i'm completely fine with twst not having any romance or not being more "otome-like" (...than it may already be on some level lmao well yuu is genderless, but still). i'm perfectly content with yuu being everyone's therapist friend, or just enjoy characters' dynamics with each other as they are or as they could be.

and second hot take is...

i guess when it comes to the "frying pan sizzling" hot take, talking about my take on kalim and jamil dynamic. but first of all, to be completely frank, i don't think it's fair to just coin them as "master and servant" and be done with it. i mean, yes, they are that, but that statement also needs an asterisk, especially looking through events of books 5, 6 and events (like beanfest).

to put it simply, their relationship is an absolute mess and ten, maybe twenty, can of worms with an ocean of emotional baggage and a sea of trauma.

kalim and jamil are very much like master and servant within the realm of book 4; this is explicitly stated in the japanese version. and if you told me book 4 was the end of the main story period, their relationship probably wouldn't have been as messy. but at the same time even within book 4, we see kalim clumsily trying to make jamil happy as a friend, finding ways to reduce his workload. he clearly very deeply cares for jamil.

that, and... he's also kind of overly dependent on jamil. like, to a concerning degree, almost. but this may partly be because of jamil and his efforts to protect kalim, effectively making it so kalim can't do a lot of things on his own. so, like, jamil's motivations, while they are valid, had shaped a lot of kalim's character to the way he is. and this can be said conversely, too. kalim had dragged jamil along to many of his whims, but i believe it's been shown that jamil had gained an interest in dancing and parrots from none other than kalim. who knows if he would have gained an interest otherwise; he probably wouldn't have found much free time to delve into it himself.

and also, another thing is that jamil held himself back so kalim could appear to be above him. then we see in book 5 that he has never experienced the frustration before. like, whether he deserved it or not, he has always been given the top place because jamil placed himself lower than kalim. so overall, i think it's important kalim has a chance to feel that frustration, which is also proof that jamil no longer holds himself back. that is a big and needed step up from book 4.

and to top it off, bro even uses kalim shamelessly to his advantage in the beanfest event, and in book 6, we see that he (1) says something along the lines of "i never thought i'd be relieved to see your face" and (2) has kalim help him with stuff, which was like unheard of before. like, i know this seems small, and jamil just gave him one task, but that's still a huge step!

at the end of the day, when they all graduate, their dynamic may revert back to the way it was before as if their time at school never existed. since they are on school grounds, a lot of things can escape the eyes of both families, and so jamil and kalim are able to treat each other more as equals. fundamentally speaking, it would not be wrong to say they are master and servant. however, i think even though he probably wants to hate kalim and still holds some annoyance that he has to cover so many bases, jamil still holds some level of affection?? toward him. it's just... a lot more subtle. jamil likely understands that it's not really kalim's fault that jamil is in the situation he is in and that kalim wants to help jamil. but he also knows the problem is so deep-rooted that kalim wouldn't be able to solve it himself in any short amount of time, unfortunately. ☁️

[playingwiththetennisgrownups]

OK so long post, please bear with me here.

1) When I have a hyperfixation, I (like many neurosparkly people) take any slight, perceived or otherwise, against the object of my hyperfixation incredibly personally. My hyperfixation is on Jannik himself as much as it is on tennis (I don't like admitting that LOL) so right now, I'm pretty stressed. I have no idea how he's holding it together because I am NOT. Yes, I am trying to be all manifesting positivity and not worry about something I can't control because and my therapist would be incredibly proud of me, she's been working on this with me for years. Like I legitimately feel like I've just failed a drugs test here. I feel worse than I did when I lost my job a couple of months ago.

2) I am autistic so it's possible that might be reading intent behind comments I'm seeing wrong but jokes/comments/anything about unaliving yourself and/or or perpetrating violence against sporting agencies = bad. I'm finding things I'm seeing to be very triggering. I have just had a panic attack here. Li has had to do some grounding with me. I'm still kinda crying. I have been dealing with unaliving myself ideation for over 30 years, and have attempted to do so on multiple occasions.

Jokes about unaliving yourself are not funny. If you think it's an appropriate way of expressing how upset/angry/stressed you are, it's not. If you seriously feel that way, please please please get help, please talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a professional.

This… y'all it's making me incredibly uncomfortable and triggered, and I don't use 'trigger' lightly - my partner has c-PTSD and I have many diagnosed anxiety/mental health disorders, so I never use it to mean 'oh I just don't like it', we're talking full on involuntary recall of trauma here and psychological and physiological response to said trauma.

I'm already loving tennisblr and I want to be part of the community I've found here. I absolutely do not expect anywhere online to be a safe space for me. I've been in online fandom for over 25 years, I know it's down to me to curate my online experience - and believe me, I do. So going forward, and I absolutely don't mean to flounce here because I don't want to leave, I am here for the fucking love of tennis, of Jannik, but may have to start unfollowing/block for the good of my own mental health. Which I hate because up to now, my experience of tennisblr, of Jannikblr, is pretty much full of love and acceptance and a very welcoming community. But before I go ahead and start unfollowing/blocking, I wanted to take the time to put this post out there and hope that maybe it'll make people think about what they're saying, about the impact the language that's being used can have. If you feel the need to unfollow me for saying this, I understand.

3) I'm seeing some misinformation about the appeal being spread. So, from what I've been able to ascertain, as this is an appeal case that's being put before the CaS, the process is different because there's no investigation being done by them - that's already been done by the ITIA. This is WADA saying we disagree with the outcome. WADA have submitted their appeal, Sinner's team will now/may already have submit their reply to the CaS. The CaS then decide if they're even going to accept the appeal. If they do, a hearing well be held, both parties present evidence and argue their case. Now, as this is an appeals case, this must be done WITHIN 3 months. And the verdict can be given on the day of the panel. (https://www.tas-cas.org/en/general-information/frequently-asked-questions.html)

4) I know I've used the phrase 'manifest positivity' already, both in this post and previous, but like… Tennisblr manifested the Sincaraz season slam, right?. Tennisblr is working super hard on manifesting a Sincaraz final in Beijing. So lets use our powers for good and send out the good vibes into the universe, and buoy up our boy, let him know we're behind him, we believe in him and all that. (Yeah, kinda pagan kinda hippie. I kinda am).

At the end of the day, regardless of what happens, we know he did nothing wrong!

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk. But seriously, if you've read this far, thank you.

[lord-squiggletits]

On my Pharma apologism bullshit again

So like, I've made posts in the past about how Pharma's trauma at the hands of Tarn/the DJD and his refusal to call for help makes sense given what we later learned about Tarn/the DJD's capabilities for isolating and brutally murdering targets. Basically, I said that it makes sense that Pharma is largely treated as a villain by the narrative because the present-day of the story takes place entirely during Pharma's madness/villain arc and that's the only function he has in the story: as a super tertiary villain that's not meant to be Super Deep. Since a lot of Pharma's character is stuff that you can only infer via retroactive lore scattered throughout future series, and the narrative never brings it up so you have to put the lore together yourself, it makes sense that Pharma's first/present-day characterization as a "mad doctor" is how he's primarily remembered.

But honestly, I still have to call bullshit on Ratchet immediately assuming Pharma was evil and working for the DJD. You don't have to sympathize/apologize for Pharma based on later lore that only we as the reader are subject to; you can find signs of it literally throughout MTMTE 5-6, the same issues that introduce Pharma and treat him as if he's simply a mad doctor/evil Autobot.

We establish that the facility of Delphi is on "the edges of DJD territory"

As characters introduce more details about the DJD, we find out a lot of "fun" facts about them:

They specialize in "extreme punishment" aka torture, as wee see a mech who looks like they've been completely stripped of armor and literally has their guts hanging out

They punish Decepticons who defect or turn traitor

Just witnessing the aftermath of what they do is enough to traumatize people (the Swerve line is played as a joke of how he was upset he couldn't talk, but the root cause of him not being able to talk was being traumatized by seeing the DJD's work)

Multiple Decepticons, including Drift who just earlier in MTMTE 5, tried to play off his fear of the DJD, say that they would rather be killed or euthanized than face the DJD

And, most importantly in regards to Pharma... the DJD were literally going to kill everyone at Delphi and destroy the whole facility if Pharma didn't comply with Tarn's demands.

And also: Delphi is harboring an ex-Decepticon who defected to the Autobots, aka one of the very people who the DJD are employed to track down and kill in the most gruesome of ways.

So in other words, not only would the DJD have wanted to kill everyone at Delphi simply for being Autobots, it also stands to reason that they would have inevitably come to Delphi at some point in time because they would've come for Ambulon and, presumably, Pharma's deal with Tarn was the only thing keeping Ambulon safe (as we can extrapolate since his t-cog deal was keeping everyone at Delphi safe).

Though of course, the characters in the story (I'll focus on Ratchet for now) aren't privy to all of this. But I still find it rather callous of Ratchet to react the way he does

Considering that before this conversation, he already knew the points mentioned above (including having the personal experience of Decepticons/Drift telling him they'd rather die than meet the DJD)

And what rubs salt in the wound is that later on Ratchet acknowledges that

For most of his life, Pharma was a fantastic doctor.

Later on in certain flashbacks we also find out that Pharma and Ratchet worked together at the DMF before the war even started and continued to work with each other throughout the war (such as when they saw all the dead Wreckers cadets), dating their friendship as having lasted at least 4 million years long. So basically, Ratchet has an intimate knowledge of Pharma from them being friends virtually their entire lives.

Then Ratchet sees Pharma go from "a fantastic doctor" to a raving lunatic killing his patients and just....... doesn't notice anything amiss with this? The ONE PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE who was closer to Pharma than anyone else just didn't question this sudden, radical change in Pharma's demeanor? Even after knowing about the DJD being on Messatine? Even after being personally told that people would rather die than face the DJD? And Ratchet's first reaction to the whole situation is to say angrily to Pharma "You harvested organs on behalf of the DJD?!" as if it was some sort of choice Pharma did willingly.

It's not so much Ratchet being mad about Pharma killing people that gets to me, it's the aspect of how Ratchet was Pharma's best friend for 4+ million years, used to be inseparable from him at one point, and should therefore have known Pharma well enough to understand when he was acting out of character, both in regards to betraying his medical ethics and in regards to behaving erratically and acting stark raving mad.

Like really, this is just a personal thing, but as someone who HAS a best friend that I've been friends with for almost half my life at this point (and soon we'll have been friends for longer time than we didn't know each other), I can't fathom treating her the way Ratchet treated Pharma here. Anger and a feeling of betrayal, sure, but assuming the absolute worst of Pharma and not giving a single lick of care towards the circumstances all pointing flaming arrows to a sign that says "PHARMA WENT INSANE FROM BEING BLACKMAILED BY THE DJD"? That's just low, man.

TLDR: I thought that the sympathetic Pharma lore wrt his fear of/paranoia about the DJD was only established retrospectively, but it turns out the signs of Pharma being forced/driven mad by the DJD were there literally from the start of the Delphi arc and Ratchet just didn't give a shit about it I guess.

[hughungrybear]

Me while watching Last Twilight Ep. 11:

It just occured to me that the feeling of dread I've been feeling in the last episode is the fact that we will be watching the penultimate, the notorious Episode 11™️, which means a breakup is almost inevitable (I don't make the laws, blame the BL gods) 😅 Also, we have yet to see a P'Aof cameo.

1. An eye donation and operation on Christmas Eve? It's a Christmas miracle! If, and only if, this works 😭 Also hope those eyes DO NOT belong to anybody we know 😭😭😭

2. So, were back to reading the Little Prince? I tell you, I don't like the ending of that book 😭😭😭 though it's nice to see Night able to tell dirty jokes with Day now 😭😭😭

3. Again, I don't get Mum. Sure, it is natural to worry about your disabled kid. However, Mhok has demonstrated that he is more than capable of taking care of Day, if that is truly what she is looking for. Yet, her concerns comes out as snubbish as she seems to equate "care" with Mhok's job or his bank account (or the lack thereof).

4. <after the doctor removed the eye pads> I don't think it worked 😭😭😭 That sucked. Day has already given up hope that he could see one day, then in comes the hospital giving him another ray of hope, only for it to be dashed once again 😔 Also, the way Night hugged his little brother. I kennat 😭😭😭 This is heavy and we're only on Part 1 of 4 😱

5. Oooh, Porjai has given birth!!! But where is Daddy-ready Night? <after 5 seconds> There he is! What do you mean "oldest Uncle", Porjai??? 😂😂😂 Night obvs does not agree. Ngl, naming the baby Me is a bit confusing lol

6. Is Mum finally warming up to Mhok? Also, Day why are you sharing your Mum's trade secrets to Mhok in front of her salad? Lololol

7. So this "work trip" is a test? Also, hello, head chef P'Au 😅 Looks like P'Aof has passed his cameo baton to his protegé 😂😂😂

8. Ugh. Yeah, that would bore me to death - just staying in the room and waiting for Mhok to arrive from work. However, I think no amount of salary can remedy that - unless, Day also finds something meaningful to do with his life while Mhok is working.

9. I see the sh*t-stirring member of the prod crew in BBS (forgot his name) still stirring some sh*t in this series 😂😂😂 If I were him, I'm going to start demanding P'Aof and P'Au to give him a nice(r) character and better scenes in their next series 😂😂😂😂

10. I think that the lure of working abroad and ultimately be able to "care" for Day (like Mhon wanted to) will be irresistable. <after 5 seconds> Oh, wait. This isn't another one of those "so-close-I-can-almost-taste-it-but-the-moment-got-away-from-me", isn't it??? 😭😭😭 <after another 5 seconds> Whelp, it was.

11. Why would Mum be worried about Mhok? What is happening??? <after 5 seconds> Oh no. MHOK WAS CHOSEN. However, he didn't want to leave Day 😭😭😭 But Mhok, one of the main reasons why Day fell in love with you is because you have always treated him normally. Don't let your trauma (of Rung's un-aliving) dictate the future of your relationship. 😭😭😭

Whelp, there we have it. The curse of Episode 11™️ has officially landed here. I am Night in this episode. I don't understand what happened that brought us here 😭😭😭

[theunstuffedpepper]

I realized that I’ve never really documented my L&D experience with any of my boys. Memory fades, but anyone who has gone through it knows that there are some moments and aspects of labor and delivery that you know will stay fresh in your mind for a long, long time.

This will probably get lengthy - fair warning.

For a bit of background, my first and second experiences with labor and delivery were complete opposites in everything except arrival time; both boys arrived in week 38 (38+3 and 38+4, to be specific).

My first involved an induction due to preeclampsia concerns. I was working remotely and got a call from my doctor on Wednesday - I was 38+0 and they told me that due to the protein levels in my urine from my 37-week appointment, they wanted to induce me. That same day. After a bit of freaking out and calling B, we packed up and headed to the hospital. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were spent passing the time, letting things... ripen. My body was NOT ready. By Saturday, though, I was ready for pitocin. I labored for about 6 hours and was still only at 2cm, so I requested an epidural. An hour after the epidural, my doctor came in to tell me that if things hadn't progressed any further, I'd be getting a C-section. She checked me and I was fully dilated +2. Thank god for that epidural. One more hour of pushing and he arrived. The whole experience was off, though. It wasn't a great labor and delivery experience for me, though I was very grateful because it could have been much worse and much harder, but it was only the start of a very, very difficult year of my life. PPD is no joke.

My second was quite the opposite. Again, I was working remotely at home, and I wrote an email to my boss the morning I started going into labor to tell him I thought I'd best hang up my hat. We called my parents to come watch Holden. They arrived to our house by 1pm, we got to the hospital at 2pm, and the baby was born at 4pm. It was wickedly painful - my water broke on the way to the hospital - and to this day, I've never experienced physical pain like that in my life. It progressed FAST and furious and my body told me when it was time to push, even before the doctors did. Two pushes and he was here.

I guess that brings me to my third and final labor/delivery experience. You may already know that we had a false alarm and spent the day at the hospital two days before the baby was actually born, frustratingly being sent home at the end of that day because I was still only 3cm dilated. That was Wednesday. Friday morning, my contractions woke me up at 4am and I knew in my gut that it was Actually Time. I woke B up, we woke up my parents who were already staying at our place that night, and we left. The hour-long drive to the hospital was stressful but we made it. We were admitted at 6am. After vomiting once and laboring for much longer than I wanted without any pain management, I was finally given the epidural around - what was it, 7cm? I think so. It was only about 75% effective, but it was certainly enough to take the edge off and it was a welcome relief. My labors move fast, apparently. The L&D nurse was so incredibly kind and encouraging - telling me I was doing amazing, that my pain tolerance is incredibly high, and that I was cranking out those contractions. When I was fully dilated, the midwife (who also saw me for my false alarm and who I had become very fond of by that point) told me we were ready to go. Let's push this baby out. Four pushes and there he was. He had arrived at 39+2. He looks just like Holden did as a newborn. He's healthy and happy and it's been absolute smooth sailing as far as his health goes, thank goodness. That's all I wanted.

So, with that, the family is feeling very complete. It was a scary thought, but now it's mostly just a welcome one. I won't have to go through the pain, anxiety, and trauma of another pregnancy, labor, and delivery again. That part of the journey is thankfully in the rear view. There was a time when I thought I wouldn't have kids - at that time, I never would have believed you if you told me I'd end up having three. Now, though, I can't imagine not having done it. Life has a way of doing that, I suppose.

[fadelbison]

just wanted to let you know that the toxic SandRay fic was better than you might be thinking. the two of them were mostly in character and the story progression was true to who they are. it's nice to see an edgy exploration of ray's headspace and sand's headspace--because like you mentioned and implied, they're left in a hopeful, but not fully resolved, place as a couple at the end of Only Friends. just because a good number of folks want escapism, doesn't mean there isn't space or value for a more painful/difficult story filled with angst. i hope you continue to write such challenging works, and perhaps become even bolder. kudos be damned.

First of all, I want to say how much I appreciate that you not only read my author notes but came here to encourage me over it. It means a lot and *is* exactly the kind of engagement that I feel I lack in pushing my 'edgier' stories as you say through. But I'll be using this as an opportunity to explain my struggles with writing for this fandom. The problem isn't necessarily that I don't know my stories are good. I've been writing for FK for years, was the first person to release a fic solely dedicated to FK RPF on AO3, first author to write AlanGaipa and also started writing Sandray before the show aired. Despite doing almost no promo and not being active on twitter, my fics get a very respectable amount of kudos and it would be very disingenuous of me to insinuate that I'm not a popular writer. I think for people to hear me call 'Can You Blow My Mind' a flop was very shocking because it's obviously not a flop! It got 35 kudos in one day and has over 70 comments and 165 kudos at the time of answering this ask. But people can only see the end product. What I'm referring to is the months of silence and neglect between chapter 1 and chapter 2 and that continued silence well after the release of chapter 2 when suddenly there was an outburst of interest. I had totally given up on the fic and suddenly there's 4 comments in my inbox desperate for an update. We went from 0 to 100 SO fast on that fic I had no idea what was going on or what people even wanted me to do about it hahaha.

Kind of similarly my alangaipa fic homecoming was abandoned because a popular blog promoted it on their twitter and suddenly there was an influx of people who have no idea who I am enamored with how wonderful and fluffy it is. And I just didn't have the heart to be like if I do it right, the continuation of this fic is going to be the most painful exploration of grief and loneliness this world has ever witnessed. I think no matter how popular my fics get or how many of them I release. I personally, seem to gain no discernible recognition with my readers and never get the trust in my process that is so integral to writing difficult fics. There are literally four readers who engage with me while I write these very dense and difficult fics and the months it takes me to write them is just very lonely. I would love to get bolder. I have been concocting a pirate sandray that will redefine the term toxicity lmao. But let's talk about what writing that fic might actually feel like?

It's pirate!Sand kidnapping prince!Ray for ransom. Ray who is trans will spend the entire time trying to baby trap Sand but create a terrible situation where Sand believing that Ray loves him will rape him. So what of a story that will be strife with already difficult topics like transphobia and childhood trauma with the added burdens of Ray falling in love with his rapist? Do I know if it will have a happy ending? Do I know if Ray will ever genuinely get past it? Will Sand? How can I write this story? All I know is that my willpower alone is not enough to see it through. Fanfic authors are different from regular authors and/or otherwise social med influencers in one key way - our readers ARE our writing community. They're not end users or clients or patrons, I can't manage reader expectations and write for hits because I am the one in need of management hahaha. So in many ways fuck kudos but only if there's a reader as dedicated as @kattyangel was to seeing whispered secrets finished 😂

[foundtherightwords]

The Road Forgotten - Chapter 8

Pairing: Arthur Havisham (Dickensian) x OFC

A/N: I made Arthur bisexual and paired him with a female character in this. I know some writers have gotten flack for pairing Arthur with a female character (or reader), so if it's not your cup of tea, please walk away.

This is mostly based on the events of "Dickensian", but I've also incorporated some elements and characters from "Great Expectations". Most notably, Satis House is in Kent (as in the book) instead of in London.

Summary: A few years after his plan to swindle his sister ended in tragedy, Arthur Havisham is a shadow of a man, living in guilt and fear. When Elsie Bradford, a young woman also wronged by Compeyson, enlists Arthur's help to hunt down his former partner-in-crime, Arthur must face his demons and other strange, new feelings, to redeem himself.

Warnings: slow burn, angst, guilt, revenge, psychological trauma, mention of prostitution, mention of suicide/suicide ideations, some violence (in this chapter), a bit of smut (implied smut toward the end of this chapter)

Chapter word count: 2.8k

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Arthur saw Elsie duck back into the alley, her face deathly white, her whole body shaking like a leaf. "What is it?"

"They found me. I don't know how, but they found me."

He didn't need to ask who she meant. Taking her hand, he pulled her toward the other end of the alley, where it ended in a courtyard. He helped her over the short gate and into a series of labyrinthine lanes and pathways and yards that went behind and between houses. Through these they ran blindly, taking any turn they came upon, not caring where they were going as long as they put some distance between themselves and the two thugs, not stopping until they came upon a gate too tall to climb over. Here they paused to take a breather, straining their ears for any noise behind them. There were footsteps. Still far away, but definitely footsteps, coming closer, inevitably, inexorably. And they were trapped in a dead end.

"Who are these men?" Arthur asked. "Who do they work for? What did you do that made them hunt you so?"

"Does it matter?" Elsie said impatiently, rattling the bars of the gate in vain.

"Perhaps we could bribe them, or pay them off in some way..."

She snorted. "Not unless you have five thousand pounds lying around."

Arthur's heart sank when he remembered he'd once had twice that amount in his hands and had given it away to Compeyson, in a misguided attempt to pay for his sins. It hadn't worked. If only he still had it now. He could've saved Elsie. "What did you do?" he repeated.

Elsie turned to him. She seemed to have come to a decision.

"Do you remember what I told you about how I managed to leave Mrs. Hill's employment?" she said.

"The rich old gentleman?"

"There was no rich old gentleman," she said. "I ran away. I stole from her." She stopped and corrected herself. "No, I didn't steal. I only took what was owed me." And then the words came rushing out, in a cramped, urgent whisper, "It was the money I earned during my eight years there, one year as a maid and seven years as a whore. I made her piles and piles of gold and I never saw a sliver of it. So I took what was mine and I ran. I had to move Marianne three times before I found an asylum remote enough. But I had to come back to London to find Compeyson. And now she's sniffed me out." She took his hands. "I'm sorry, Arthur. I'm sorry I dragged you into this."

Arthur supposed he should have been angry that she kept this from him. But he only felt a sense of awed admiration, even more than what he'd already had for her, and utter shame at himself for sneering at her just a few days ago, for saying that she only knew how to charm men. She had forgiven him for his drunken rant, but he still wanted to make it up to her somehow. That night, he hadn't been able to bring himself to say what he wished he could do for her. He wished he could love her. He wished he could protect her. He wished he could make her feel safe and comfortable, so he never had to wake up to find her fidgeting in bed next to him again. But none of those things would make a difference now.

The footsteps were getting closer.

"Here," he said, kneeling down and clasping his hands together to form a step in front of her. "I can give you a boost."

"What about you?"

"I'll hold them off. You go."

"No!" She held on to his coat. "I told you, don't try to be a hero. They'll kill you."

He had to smile at that. If she only knew how much he'd longed for death before he met her. Back then, death would have been a release. Now he no longer craved it, but he would consider it a worthwhile prize to pay.

"Don't worry about me," he said.

Elsie looked at him, torn. Then she gathered up her skirts, stepped on his outstretched hands, and hoisted herself over the gate. But she didn't run off right away. She pulled a knife out of her reticule, the same knife she'd used on Bill Sikes the night they met, and pressed it into his hand. "Stay alive, all right?" she whispered. "I'll see you at home."

Home. Arthur wanted to tell her that his home was wherever she was, but before he could say a word, she reached through the gate, dropped a quick kiss on his cheek, and vanished into the night, leaving him standing there in shock.

Long after she was gone, he could still feel the heat of her lips on his skin. It gave him strength. He gripped the knife tightly in his palm and strode forward, in the direction of the approaching footsteps.

Soon enough, the two thugs emerged from the alley at a loping run. They drew to a halt upon seeing him. For the briefest moment, Arthur hoped they would ignore him and pass him by, but then he remembered he didn't just have to save himself; he had to stop them from going after Elsie. So he put on the boldest front he could muster up and stood in their way. "Good evening, gentlemen," he said with a pleasant smile. "May I help you?"

"Where's the girl?" the one known as Cyclops snarled.

"What girl?" Arthur asked, still smiling.

"Don't be smart with us, pretty boy," Cyclops said. "We saw you two getting cozy behind that gambling house. Where did she go?"

"Oh, that girl. How should I know? I paid her for her service, it is no concern of mine where she's gone," Arthur said. He hated the lie, but he told himself he was doing it to protect Elsie.

Cyclops's upper lip crooked up in a sneer. He bobbed his head to the tall one, the Chimney, who spat out the cheroot he'd been smoking, bent his shoulders, and ran straight at Arthur.

It was like being hit by a galloping horse. The man's shoulder caught Arthur under his sternum, causing him to crash to the ground with a force that knocked the breath clean out of him. Blackness smashed into his eyes, and pain exploded at the back of his head. He was hauled to his feet and slammed into a brick wall. More pain erupted between his shoulder blades, sending a sense of numbness down his spine and his limbs, paralyzing him.

Cyclops grunted, and the Chimney relaxed his arm, letting Arthur slide down the wall until he was at the same eye level as the little man. He could smell Cyclops's rancid breath on his face and see that single iron-gray eye with its pinprick of a pupil boring into him, even in the dim light of the alley. "Told you not to be smart with us," Cyclops said, holding a thin blade under Arthur's eye. "We've been watching you these past weeks. Joined at the hips, you are. You thought you were clever, you lost us for a while, but we found you again. So be good and tell us where she is. Don't make me mark up this sweet little face."

"I—don't—know—what—you're—talking about!" Arthur managed through the pain and the arm like a tree trunk on his chest, pinning him in place.

Cyclops sighed, as if he hated having to do this. Silently, he increased the pressure on the blade, and it bit into Arthur's cheek. The metal was icy cold, yet its touch on Arthur's skin was like a scorching fire. He could feel blood welling up from the cut and dripping down his face. A whimper escaped his lips.

"Scream, pretty boy," Cyclops said. "Maybe your girl will come to your rescue."

The pain reminded Arthur of the knife Elsie had given him. He was sure he had dropped it when the Chimney knocked him down, but to his surprise, he could still feel its handle in his palm. Putting all the strength he had left into his arm, Arthur swung out wildly. He felt the knife connect with something fleshy—a torso or an arm, he couldn't tell—and heard the Chimney bellow like a wounded beast. The arm holding him buckled, and Arthur crumpled to the ground like a rag doll. A kick landed on his ribcage, followed by a blow to his shoulder. Unable to get to his feet, Arthur could only curl up under the barrage of punching fists and kicking feet and everything and anything the Chimney could get his hands on. Arthur thought he was numb before, but he definitely wasn't so numb to not feel this vicious onslaught.

"Stop, stop, you brainless oaf!" Arthur heard Cyclops yell. "It's no use killing him! He's our only chance to find that thieving cunt!"

So they didn't know where Elsie was staying. That was some comfort.

"Bastard stuck me!" the Chimney roared.

"He barely nicked you. C'mon, get him up so I can—"

Arthur never found out what Cyclops had in store for him. There was a sharp, shrill blow of a police constable's whistle, a shout of "You there! What's going on?", and the sound of several pairs of boots running up.

"Fuck," Cyclops cursed. "Bobby's here. Let's go."

A clatter of the gate told Arthur that Cyclops had clambered over it. The Chimney turned and gave Arthur another kick for good measure, before following his comrade.

Arthur didn't know how long he lay there listening to the sound of receding footsteps and his own ragged breathing. The whistle kept blowing, at longer and longer intervals, but the police didn't show up. Perhaps they had followed the thugs from a different direction. He didn't care. He was only glad he was still alive.

Once his breathing had regained some of its normal speed, he planted his palms on the ground and pulled himself into a sitting position. His whole body was one mass of pain, every bit of skin, every muscle so bruised and tender that even the slightest scrape of the ground under his cheek sent shudders throughout his limbs. The pain was so great that it took over his mind, and he just sat there in a daze. There was something important he must do, somewhere he must go, but he could not remember. Then his eyes landed on the bloodied knife on the ground. He closed his fist around it, and his mind cleared. Home. He must go home. Home to Elsie.

It took every bit of willpower to drag himself to his feet and go back the way they came—there was no way he could climb that gate now, and even if he could, Cyclops and the Chimney might be lying in wait in that direction. So he stumbled through the alleys and back lanes once more, until he found himself on the more familiar thoroughfare of St. James. The street was quiet now, the raid over. Late-night revelers stared at Arthur as he staggered past, but he paid them no mind. It certainly wasn't the first time he walked the streets in such a state.

He had half hoped to run into Elsie on the way, but he knew it was unlikely. She had said she would see him at home. So he had to make it home.

By the time he arrived in St. Giles, he was gasping for breath. His ribs constricted painfully every time he inhaled, and he hoped they weren't broken. He forced himself up the stairs and into his room. It was dark and deserted, no sign of Elsie. His body was screaming, and the cut on his cheek throbbed, but it was nothing compared to the clamoring of his heart. Where was she? Had she gotten away, or had Cyclops and the Chimney found her? He knew he should've gone out to look for her, but he wouldn't know the first place to start, and he was in too much agony to move. He sank into bed and a black veil, half of pain and half of fatigue, descended over him.

***

There was a muffled wailing in his ears, and the white phantom was materializing in the corner of the room, lifting her shroud, getting closer, close enough that he could feel the shroud touching him, burning into his flesh with a dull, aching fire. He grasped for the familiar comfort of Elsie's hands, whimpering her name, but she wasn't there, those fiends might have taken her while he lay here, helpless, useless...

Then suddenly she was, with her sweet voice saying, "I'm here," and her soft hands on him, chasing the ghosts and the pain away. Almost weeping with relief, he wrapped himself around her as he had the first night they were together. She reached under his shirt, brushing against his bruises, but somehow it didn't hurt. He didn't dare exhale, afraid she might stop. Before long, he noticed her caress was changing, becoming more sensual, as she moved from his neck to his chest and lower and lower, her palms leaving scalding touches on his skin. "You were so brave, Arthur," she purred, her hot breath tickling his ear. "How could I ever thank you?" He wanted to say that he didn't do it for her gratitude, that her safety meant more to him than anything, but she silenced him by pressing her body against his, her skin warm and satiny smooth. He didn't remember when he had taken his shirt off, perhaps she had done it for him. He wanted to see her, but the room was dark, and he could only catch glimpses of her as she moved in and out of the yellow gaslight coming in through the window, tantalizing glimpses of her wet lips, her bare shoulders, her slender arms, her full breasts. He couldn't see her eyes.

He seized her wrists, pulled her to him, and sought her mouth with his. But those lips, which had parted so readily for him in the alley outside the gambling den, which had pressed to his cheek with such warmth, remained infuriatingly out of reach, while her hands continued to tease and torment him. "God, Elsie," he gasped, "let me..." Let him what? He couldn't find the words. He was close, so close, if he could only touch her, really touch her, feel himself inside her...

"Arthur," she panted. Her voice changed, becoming more urgent. "Arthur! Arthur, wake up!"

Then her fingers scraped across his cheek, which stung, and her hands were no longer on his erection, but on his shoulder, shaking him awake. He opened his eyes, and it took him a moment to realize that Elsie, the real Elsie, still in her evening gown, was leaning over him, her hands cool on his burning skin, her eyes wide with worry. The arousal he'd felt in the dream remained, a knot of frustration in his trousers. Fumbling, Arthur pulled the sheet across his lap to cover himself, just as Elsie lifted him up to check for injuries.

She drew a sharp breath upon seeing the cut on his cheek. "My God."

"Looks worse than it is," he croaked. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." She went to rekindle the fire. "I've been waiting at the corner of the street."

"What? For how long?" The idea that she had been on the street, shivering and frightened, while he was up here, fantasizing about her, made Arthur want to die of mortification.

"Only an hour or so. I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner," she said. "I had to make sure they didn't follow you here."

"No, there is no need to apologize," he said quickly, taking her hand. "I'm just glad that you are safe."

She smiled, gave his hand a reassuring little pat, and moved to put the kettle on. She then opened her bag and pulled out a jar of some sort of ointment and a bottle of brandy. Arthur raised an eyebrow upon seeing it.

"Have you had that the whole time?" he asked.

"Don't even think about it," she chided. "It's for your wound."

Arthur watched her bustling about and felt the scorching flames of desire quieting down to warm embers. This was Elsie, the Elsie he knew, solid and practical and indomitable and kind, not the uncanny seductress of his dream. And she wasn't any less alluring. Perhaps even more so, because she was real.

Chapter 9

[theneighborhoodwatch]

Sorry for mentally ill thoughts this evening but I've always wondered how this is going to end. To me, welcome home has been a story about changing. And because of a certain music artist's album and WHs popularity being around the same time, I can't let go of my interpretation of what change will look like at the end of this project. (1/?)

(2/?) I've always found what characters a fandom gets attached to QUICKLY to be a marker of what a story is going to do with these characters and what metatexually that is gonna mean for the story...

Let's start with the big one: Wally himself. THIS GUY HAS SO many interpretations! He is simultaneously the most dangerous and fascinating character out of all of them. To analyze him (and some of the neighbors I'll talk about) I used tarot cards, btw I'm @pretty-in-possible but this is my reblog alt

Wally was Judgement which is intresting because its definition includes

When The judgement is in the upright position, it represents the realization of one's calling, realistic thinking and gaining a deep understanding of life through self-examination.

(3/?) When reversed, it can represent refusal of self-examination and growth, self-doubt, regret, and blame. In my eyes, change and (what I think will happen to the puppets) transformation is only possible with that kind of thought. Which, coupled with your own analysis of wally and home spells as disaster. Whats particularly affecting MY brainworms is Barnaby. His card is the Magician: The Magician is an artisan and the ideas person.  It is a very action oriented card. It represents learning and using knowledge in creative and unorthodox ways, and seizing the day by displaying resourcefulness. Barnaby is definitely an open-minded person just with his behavior shown through just visuals.

(4/?) I am also invested in his pipe which I know just has bubbles in it, but it adds to this stoner read to his character that *I* see??? There is just something about him that tells me he will have the easiest time with this Existential crisis as to him (based of the tarot reading) this knowledge is incredibly freeing, cuz it would just mean there is More in the World to Discover. In my experience reading past life regression therapy testimonies, I've heard of how some people encounter this place in the afterlife people under hypnosis describe as a soul cleansing, a place where gem-colored rays of light shine through every inch of your soul, cleansing your spirit of the trauma it had experienced during your last lifetime. And I feel like Barnaby will experience those same feelings (NOT THE SAME PROCESS). (I might ramble more about this later, in ask box or in dms if thats okkkk)

my sincerest apologies for sitting so long on this one, i wanted to make sure i had time to really, like. sit down and Process it. and then shortly after i started writing this response i got food poisoning so. lol.

because of of how in-depth this ask gets, i wouldn't feel right neglecting any part of it, so i'm just gonna write down my thoughts bullet by bullet as i go through this. under the cut for convenience:

how welcome home is going to end .... obviously, i cannot offer anything conclusive right now (if i can offer anything at all) given how early we are, but i have always had the vague impression that whatever the ending of this story is, we as the audience may never be able to see all of it. it feels like so much has been given to us already. i assume we will be given much more, regardless of how willing to give or receive anyone involved is. we owe it to our neighbors to let them decide which parts to give and which to keep, at the end of the day. i think that's the best way i can phrase it. but as always, only time will tell.

agree about Change likely being a big part of welcome home, whichever form it takes.

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO KNOW THE NAME OF THIS ARTIST. i am Dreadfully unfamiliar with a lot of 70s musicians outside of the biggest names - my first thought was either connie converse or daniel johnston, but iirc most of converse's music was recorded in the 50s-60s and johnston only started recording music in the late 70s. i don't know if bruce haack was ever super popular back when he was actually making music.

the idea of which characters fandom gets attached to being indicative of what canon does with them...? i'm not so sure about this one, honestly. fandom can get attached to a stale piece of toast that shows up for a single scene if so desired (which, for the record, isn't a bad thing.) of course, i say that based off of my own experiences, but fan reception has never really been a Factor in speculation for me either way.

calling wally dangerous doesn't feel inaccurate, but i think it's more like. i do not think he is inherently dangerous but he absolutely has the Capacity to do dangerous things. i think it is interesting that despite this (or perhaps because of it?) he appears to be more vulnerable with us than he Ever was with the other neighbors? but a.) that may not be saying much and b.) it is Also largely rooted in speculation + the fact that home and the audience are currently the Only two entities wally has been seen interacting with directly, as opposed to his interactions/relationships with other neighbors that have so far only been briefly described by the WHRP or showcased in brief snippets of concept art.

grinning so so so wide at the judgement/inverted judgement descriptions. i wish i had more to say but i'm having a hard time coming up with something that isn't just pointing to the inverted judgement description and going "yeah that's almost Exactly what i'm getting from wally so far."

again, agree about the possibility of Change playing some kind of role here, eventually - more specifically the fear of change even when it may prove to be beneficial, whether that be on wally's part or the neighbors' or the WHRP's or the staff's or the audience's or even the very setting of home itself. i imagine some grotesque hodgepodge of all of the above. something something points to that post i reblogged about sitcoms as horror.

context for the aforementioned wally and home analysis for anyone reading: 1, 2, 3

BARNABY, HUH... for the record my personal hc regarding his pipe is that whatever's in it changes depending on what would be the funniest answer at any given moment. if tobacco is funnier, then it's tobacco. if bubbles are funnier, then it's bubbles. looney tunes logic.

on a more serious note: i'm a little worried i won't have much to say about barnaby that i haven't said already! i think it may be too early to discern the Specifics of his personality from website art/descriptions alone but i do get the distinct impression that he's meant to be a lot more down to earth than wally, which of course is an interesting contrast to the nature of wally's whole [gestures vaguely] Everything. from this, i think it is Reasonable to assume that he's also a lot better at rolling with the punches as well, although i never did consider the possibility that learning about The Bullshit would be liberating for him, in a sense - i don't know about it being a cleansing experience, unless you count the recontextualization of things that didn't previously make sense as a sort of cleansing in itself, in which case it could absolutely be that. something about the parallels to cosmic horror... the relationship between the Fear of change and the Catharsis of change...

oh, but wouldn't this also put him at odds with wally, who seems to be on the Exact Opposite End Of The Spectrum, even when they understand each other like no other? Much To Think About... very exciting potential for Conflict there.

i'm cool with whichever method works best for you if you wanna talk more in the future! my dms are open too lol.

[dead-loch]

Chapter 4 of Missing Time is up.

I got back into the groove of things with this chapter, I think. There is one important warning for this chapter (which is noted) and I've expanded on it a little below the cut (read the chapter first pls)

First of all to anyone who experiences traumatic flashbacks during intimate moments, incl. sex, I'm sorry.

I've actually never seen this explored much in fic (not in my lil corner of fandoms anyway) and considering I can, unfortunately, get flashbacks just from reading or seeing something (so, even when the thing isn't happening to me), it's something that I've wanted to explore because it's a real thing that happens and can Fuck With Your Head. And writing is cathartic!

So, I'm definitely weaving lots of my own experiences into Eddie, mainly in terms of how she deals with the fallout of having been in a relationship (of sorts) with Ray.

From him lying to Eddie to manipulate her into opening up about something (Lou/Bushy), to trying to gaslight her when she's rightfully pissed off at him, to him once again bringing up a fresh trauma so that he can throw her off and attack her, and like his entire demeanour changing when he gets upset (idc what anyone says, you could see the kind of person he would be in a relationship and it is SCARY), these things would wreck havoc on you after the fact. Like yeah, obviously it sucked in the moment, but considering he wasn't outright violent with her and didn't let his true colours really show through until the end, and considering he literally has the capacity and propensity for murder, it's easy in the moment and immediate aftermath to say, "I'm okay because I didn't suffer as much as ___".

However, when things have settled, these are also things that are going to hit you pretty hard. It could make you seriously doubt your ability to read people, would create and/or exacerbate trust issues, and knowing that you've been intimate with someone who is capable of harming others is, frankly, fucking terrifying.

With that out of the way, I also wanted to touch base a little on why I am playing out a (sexual/potentially romantic) relationship between Cath & Eddie moving faster than a relationship between Dulcie & Eddie.

Eddie has spent the ENTIRE season trying to convince herself and others that she isn't attracted to Dulcie (whether that's true or not). It's easier for Eddie, now the dust has somewhat settled, to have this relatively safe crush on Cath, especially given that Dulcie has not and will not react in jealousy to the little moments between them. As children (and adults tbh) we often develop crushes on people we have zero chance with, these end up being safe ways we can begin to explore our sexuality.

In this fic, although Eddie has "experimented" (which is canon), it was over 20 years ago, and never developed further than kissing before she was thrown into a world of toxic masculinity (and I'm going to assume it came with the usual misogyny, cis- and heteronormativity, racism, etc) and immediately decided that being the woman of colour on the force was preferable to being the queer woman of colour on the force. I do want to clarify that this wasn't a decision she just made one day. As with most things, it's something that developed over time until it became the new normal.

So, Eddie is realising that she may be developing a (sexual) attraction to Cath earlier than she's realising she may be attracted to Dulcie, too (even though there have been little moments between Eddie/Dulcie already). Cath feels like a safer crush because Eddie doesn't think that Cath would ever cheat on Dulcie.

Finally, shoutout to anyone who has to withdraw completely from human interaction every once in a while. This is something I've come to accept about myself, but it was a long time coming. As a child, whenever we had family anything (dinner, reunion, holiday, etc), I was the one who would disappear off to the basement, or outside, or even in a fking washroom, just to get some peace and quiet because socialising drains me so completely.

It's not exactly the same here in Eddie's case- she spends two days avoiding people because she's trying to sort out her thoughts and doesn't fully understand what she's feeling. But the end result is the same: she didn't want to be away from anyone in particular; she just needed some space for herself.

Bonus: the discussion at the end of the chapter isn't the one I was going to write initially, but Eddie is stubborn and it didn't feel natural for her to confess to any kind of feelings at this stage.

PS: in case this is bothering some people, Dulcie was NOT creeping around Eddie's bedroom. She honestly was just going upstairs lmao

PPS: if you don't think Eddie's capable of giggling (as she does several times when she's drunk in this chap), I urge you to watch Madeleine Sami on Taskmaster NZ.

[drowning-inmysleep]

Product Review: Fixed Persona

“Well… How do you think you know that person you were a second ago is the same person you are now? A continuous stream of memories. Given only that, we all create illusions within ourselves, saying that we each have only one fixed persona.”

Ever since I was child my main aspiration was to become a musician. I would be lying if I said I didn't also dream of fame - having my name on flyers, posters, billboards, whatever.

At this point of my life I can confidently say that I have achieved said aspiration. I've spoke on this in my previous writings so I will do my best not to repeat myself. I'm currently in a new relationship, we met eachother not longer than a month ago. Before we go to sleep we take turns asking questions about one another. One night, she asked me

"Would you ever want to be famous?"

I replied, "No, I lowkey already am and I hate it."

I said this because it's true. I meant it. It's a strange and invasive feeling to have people think they know you without ever having any meaningful conversation with them. Everyone knows me, knows my name, MANAPOOL.

Though they don't know me, they don't know my name, Alexandra.

It's hard for me to talk about, I fear I'll sound full of myself - like a rich person complaining about how sad they are regardless of the convenience of their life. I fear people will hear me talk about it and roll their eyes, it's practically my job to be full of myself and to sell that to people. I don't like it.

Everywhere I go people will stop me to talk to me about myself or the shows I put on, it's not always a negative thing. As it continues I start to feel myself losing grip of my persona. The perception of me that others hold is starting to taint me.

I suffer from severe - dissociative disorder. I have since I was 15, it came back to me after a therapist reawakened childhood trauma of mine. I'll tell you that story now.

[/] I was 8 years old and at a friends house, his sister was watching us though she was only 12. Their parents were at work. She called us into the parents room, which had a big window facing the intersection in front of the house. "Look! That cars been stopped there for SO long!" The car was indeed stopped in the middle of the intersection, to then have the driver get out, come around and open the passenger door. He pulled a drunk man out of the car and started beating him with a bottle. We were too young to process what was going on but we didn't stop watching. After minutes of the beating, the man stopped moving. The assailant got back in the car and drove off, leaving the mans body in the street. I called my mom and went home after that, I told my friends I felt sick. I didn't tell my mom what happened. The next day my mom was watching the news and as I walked past I saw a news story about the man from yesterday, he died from head trauma. [/]

I forgot about this until as I said above, I was 15. Once I remembered I didn't really think about it that much, but when I did I could feel myself losing grip of whatever was happening around me. I went into a 4 year long period that I barely remember now because it's a dissociative haze.

A friend of mine told me that sometimes when they look in my eyes they can see that i'm not really there, like I'm within myself. No longer present. I didn't think it was noticeable.

I mention all of this here to bring it back to where we started. Fame and the concept of others creating your persona. I used to love when people would celebrate me, but more often than not now whenever it happens I feel myself doing what my friend clocked me on. I repeat the phrase "Thank you so much".

A lot of the time they're not really talking with me, but at me, and their intention is not to get to know me but to acquire me as a person on their team. To be continued.

[whatudottu]

Given how the original Season 4 pitch document detailed an episode exploring an alternate universe where Optimus became techno-organic and Elita-1 leads Team Prime, part of me wonders what BETC!Blitzwing’s dynamic would be like with a Techno-Organic!Optimus or a hypothetical Techo-Organic!Sentinel.

On one hand, all three of them would still share the whole “one-of-a-kind model changed against their will” and “lost the two ‘bots closest to them” aspects that Blitzwing would definitely sympathize with, but on the other hand, Optimus and Sentinel have different personalities than Elita and would most likely make different choices than her, with that most likely extending to their potential dynamic with Blitz.

It seems I've written a bit, so I'll just shove this ask under a readmore for ease of scrolling by-

Given what we do see of canon Optimus and Sentinel, even though shoving either of them into the 'become techno-organic' situation is hyperspecific, there's like a little snippet of how they might hypothetically act like. Something something, the way that Optimus to the modern day is afraid of spiders, yada yada how he's got both a hero complex and kind of self-sacrificing, TO!Optimus would probably be so horrified of his own body but would hide it under layers and layers of 'well, i got my friends out' and potentially even 'they wouldn't come rescue me if they knew what i became'. He might only become a Decepticon by obligation because surely being the leader of their little recruit team, Optimus would not be judged kindly for being even partially organic and that may have an impact on whether or not BETC!Blitz can even begin to get friendly with the ex-Autobot. Again this is a hypothetical I could be wrong about this, but TO!OP would be perhaps a smidge bit pitiful, a dash of mournful for what had been, and probably already either catastrophised or legitmised his abandonment/assumed death as 'being 100% necessary' for removing a faulty cog from the machine.

But looking at Sentinel's reaction to organic lifeforms, especially generalised to ANY organic lifeform, if he had found himself getting techno-organic he would probably be immensely self-loathing to the point of being as physically sick a bot can get... which might be a little bit more than a purely biomechanical cybertonian can ever be. Blackarachnia may self-loath, but she had the spurring of revenge to do something about it and perhaps as part of her Autobot studies as Elita-1 might've put more effort into the sciences to 'reverse the irreversible'. Sentinel doesn't much have that, all he had was the Autobot dream, the approval of the Autobot Elite and the Magnus himself, and indeed the very friends that failed to save him (those that failed to understand that Sentinel had indeed lived). I think in comparison to other bots TO!Sentinel would maybe be at the lowest scale of acceptance and would probably be generally just overwhelmed by anything and everything to do with his new body and perhaps the Decepticons he had to rely on, and BETC!Blitz may indeed relate to the foreign sensation (and the ensuing sickness and dyphoria associated) of a new significantly changed body, but perhaps it's the Autobot propaganda that seems to have really attached itself to Sentinel more so than either of his old, scarred memories of his fellows.

So I guess in summation, TO!Optimus would probably be just a little miserable but mask it under 'being a hero' for sacrificing a moldy cog to save significantly more well off Autobots, which Blitzwing may not much interact with until Optimus slips and the fear of himself is truly revealed, and TO!Sentinel would kinda be both an open book on how much trauma his body causes but also equally as loud as an Autobot propaganda holovid, which is generally hard for Blitzwing to approach at ALL because damn BETC!Blitz was an Autobot experiment and highly hates them for what they had done to the body and how it affected the body's mind. Elita-1 would've met in the middle of the to potentially, and Blackarachnia didn't speak much about who she was beyond a in quotes that don't exist until now 'genetic disaster', which is the kind of insight clue that may have originally connected BETC!Blitzwing to the techno-organic Blackarachnia-

[unfortunate-beetle-and-friends]

Just so we're all clear, this is not just a problem in countries with even less friendly labour protections than we have in the UK.

I told my last boss, 3 months before my contract was up (an extra month on what was required) that I would not be prepared to renew my contract because the job was doing so much damage to my mental health (at this point I'd already been unable to stop throwing up from stress at least once and I'd been obliged to pay for private therapy to keep me from literally ending my life and I couldn't get NHS therapy on a non-work-day).

He made grumbly noises about having to replace me.

I reminded him I was leaving multiple times during the next three months because I didn't actually want to collapse half his projects by leaving.

Can you guess what happened, children?

Do you think he replaced me in time?

Hahaha, did he fuck.

A couple of weeks before my contract was up, and with no action taken to replace me, he guilt-tripped me into staying another 3 months to train a replacement.

He did actually hire someone. And during those 3 months, training them got added on top of my regular workload. To be clear, I was already working the equivalent of 3 jobs for him. I was a data manager. He also regularly referred to me as his office manager. And whenever he brought his (lovely but demanding) dogs into the office, where 90% of the staff was scared of dogs, it was my job to take care of them - that was the only part of my work life I liked.

With my temporary extra contract nearly up and my replacement doing okay, he leant on my permanent guilt and anxiety to pressure me into staying until Christmas (another 2 months).

I made it 1.

I had a mental breakdown.

I had been literally turning up and being unable to do any work for multiple weeks because my brain was not functioning. I was literally shut down from stress. I could do nothing. I was sobbing at my desk. I was having panic attacks at work.

When my boss eventually found out, he manipulated me into quitting rather than firing me so I wouldn't get the severance I was entitled to.

I was unable to work for years. If my partner hadn't been able to support us both I have no idea what would have happened. My mental health has never returned to the point it was at before that year. My meds have tripled - thank fuck I don't live in a country with fully privatised healthcare. I've been in and out of therapy. I have repeatedly been a danger to my own safety. That year was 2016. Any time I have attempted to return to a regular hours job for someone else, I have given up after a couple of weeks of impossible fatigue and panic attacks.

I'm now self-employed, working with animals. It's... better. But stress is still a huge and constant problem for me. I struggle more than ever to protect my time from work demands. (I required surgery on my hand after a work injury before Christmas. I was back at work within 4 hours of waking up from the general anaesthetic.)

Being pressured to work in ways you cannot can do so much deep and lasting harm. If you can get out, get the fuck out. Save yourself. That employer was literally a family friend before I worked for him. Now I can't be in a room with him without trauma responses kicking in. It literally doesn't matter if your boss is a friend. If they demand unreasonable things of you, they aren't any more. You are not required to sacrifice yourself for someone else's profits. If they reject the reasonable means of protecting their income from the effects an employee leaving (eg. by training a replacement in a timely manner), that is their problem, not yours. Any other employees' suffering as a result is their fault, not yours.