#it's always nice to see my friends but i think i'm just going thru too much in life rn i wasn't able to enjoy it as much as i normally do

[2-fast-2-curious]

Lando Being Besties with Your Chinese Grandma

A/N: I never write anymore but IDK something about seeing Lando with Alex's grandma made me think about Lando charming a less problematic version of my own Asian grandma. Also none of this is supposed to be taken seriously.

Somehow you swiftly moved from 'being too young to date' to your grandma asking when you're going to get married every time she sees you

She brings up how proud she is of your female cousins for finding a 'nice boy' and settling down

She offers multiple times to set you up with one of her friend's grandsons who she claims has a good job and a mortgage

When you complain to Lando, this amuses him...a lot

Especially since there's a very simple solution to stop her incessant nagging

Needless to say, she doesn't know about you and Lando

You and Lando are private but not secret

Since your grandma only uses Instagram to look at pictures of her great-grandkids, you didn't think you would risk her looking at F1 Gossip accounts and seeing blurry photos of you and Lando

Lando's met your parents and siblings but you weren't planning on introducing him to your extended family

What you didn't expect was to run into one of your grandmother's friends doing taichi at the park when you and Lando went for a stroll

Word got back to your grandma

She demanded to know who this mysterious man was

Which was how Lando ended up invited to your next family dinner

I'm going to be very honest here, Lando doesn't eat anything at dinner because he has the palette of a five-year-old

But he makes a good impression on your grandma

Also, you two visit the McDonalds Drive-Thru after dinner to get him McNuggets.

One day your grandma calls and complains she can't watch Price is Right on the TV

Since you're working and Lando is bored you send Lando over to provide tech support

Also helps her download games on her iPad and maybe secretly purchases extra Candy Crush lives for her using his credit card

And teaches her how to Facetime her grandkids much to the chagrin of you and your cousins

It isn't long until his charm wins her over

He spends the rest of the day watching Wheel of Fortune and Deal or No Deal with her while she crochets a hat for him

She always has a red envelope to give him

He drives her and her friends to the casino

And the Asian grocery store or your local Chinatown

Powerwashes the side of her house which he claims is just like the video game

Your grandma always makes sure to order him basic stuff at the restaurant that he'll eat like egg fried rice or beef and broccoli or chicken chow mein.

She also snaps at your cousins who try to eat the food she ordered specifically for Lando.

[phagodyke]

ok moment over its all good

oh who am I fucking kidding. I'm not gonna go am I.

[buckley-diaztruther]

there is a lot of folks really heated at eddie for this last ep and I gotta say yall, none of it felt ooc to me. I think in the lead up so many folks built up a fantasy of what they WANTED from the ep (eddie fondly exasperated but indulging buck completely in contrast to cruel skepticism from temu) when the reality is eddienhas ALWAYS been a bitch(affectionate) when it comes to his skepticism. Just because it feels weird to us to see him getting along w temu again doesn't mean it's ooc. I think we also built a fantasy of him now aggressively hating temu because he saw he was classic petty eddie at the bachelor party. but 1. I don't think the show would be THAT overt w Eddie's jealousy, he always displays it in little looks and comments but is otherwise generally neutral if not nice to bucks partners. 2. it is possible for eddiento be jealous and still like temu as a friend, much as we wish he didn't. they've effectively written put temus dark past and it's all about him just being dry humor and sarcasm, which at times can line up well w Eddie's humor. there's a reason they got on so well at the beginning of s7, no matter how we as temu haters feel about it.

also, folks are really defensive of buck being roasted by both of them purely bc theyre defensive of buck in general (same bestie same). the fandom has clocked very early on that buck is some flavor of adhd and the RSD is out the wazoo on this guy. and a lot of us empathize w that, can relate to it. and inthink that leads to a LOT of projection. not a bad thing, but I think that it can make folks a little blind to the nuance. buck can be genuinely hurt by the dismissal from eddie and eddie can still be ok and fine for laughing and poking fun to an extent. him and buck have always had a relationship that was heavy with friendly jabs and mocking and roasting bc thats a very normal thing in relationships, esp ones that are secure. it's easy to be comfortable ribbing each other the way they do (and they've said some BOLD shit even early on) because they trust each other to not go too far and that their relationship is still secure at the end of the day. it's newer, less certain relationships where you're going to tip toe around sensitivities until you really understand a person's boundaries. and while buck has clearly struggled w being put down and rejected, outside of the divorce era it's never been something that is obviously a crossed line for buck and so I don't think this is anything more than a silly 'et tu brute' kinda feeling from buck. I don't think he's really THAT torn up about eddie laughing.

also I'm gonna say something a lot of folks hate to hear. even if buck genuinely is so distressed at every perceived rejection, that is NOT Eddie's responsibility. eddie is his friend (and future husband I know) and yes, he should and does have care for bucks feelings and boundaries. but sometimes people act like eddie has to coddle buck and treat him like a baby to protect his feelings or that eddie just never would ever be mean or dismissive to buck and 1. that's not true and 2. RSD means something that was 100% ok yesterday might feel like a devastating rejection today and unfortunately, that's for buck to contend with. he's an adult and responsible for his own emotions and reactions. he can be hurt and work thru them (solo or w eddie) but even in romantic relationships it's not all gonna be sunshine and rainbows and not every hurt feeling needs to be met with a thousand apologies and amends because sometimes w rsd your reaction can be disproportionate to the cause and that's up to buck to tackle w his therapist.

I say this all, BTW, as someone w extreme rsd who v much was amd is buck in a lot of my friend groups - the 'immature', naive and hyperactive kid who won't shut up and gets their feelings hurt at every little thing and then youre getting hurt more because you're laughed at for being sensitive. it fucking sucks and a lot of that was extrapolated by having shitty friends. and yall, the 118 are not that.

Anyway sorry that got way out of hand and I went on a huge tangent but tldr stop acting like eddie is ooc and a dick for laughing at buck and stop treating buck like a baby when he's a grown ass man thank u love u

[scottxlogan]

Helllloooozzz I got really into scogan recently and because people never tag it it’s been hard to find domestic family fics for them and family fics are my favourite thing like, ever, and there’s only so many times a kitty like me can attempt to sift thru the mpreg tag to find something readable before it’s noggin goes a bit loose, so have ya got any recs ?? ^w^ I’ve looked up so many rec lists but no one lists family fics specifically :’3

Welcome to the fandom! You'll find a lot of really nice people here who will be able to point you in the direction of what you're looking for as there are some who probably know better than I do. If you're looking to chat with other fans there's a Scogan Events discord at https://discord.gg/FmJ24gFJ6X that takes part in a Scogan related bingo for writing, art, etc and other small events all year long. Plus, there's some great people to chat about Scogan with too if you're looking to interact with others who love the ship.

As for recs, I'm going to throw this out here for some of my followers to see if they have some favorites that might help you find what you're looking for. Off hand I know that Tweedle has written a few family fics with Scogan. They're up at her AO3 page at https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiAnLake/. In terms of my own stories, I know I've done a few and I'll list them below. I'm sure I'm missing some, but if anyone else has some recs/suggestions, please help me out here and add them for @beepmeowz if you can.

My fics (off hand that I can think of them. Not all are domestic fluff, but I'm sure some of my followers here can help out with the list of family stories)

Working It Out (One Shot/Rated T) Logan's stressed after finding Laura with a new companion who wants to be more than friends. Scott does his best to calm his husband down after Logan tries to follow Scott's approach to parenting.

Gone Forever (Multi-Chapter/Rated E) After the events of The Wolverine, Logan goes on a journey of his own to discover truths about the life he put behind him. An accident, a run in from a face from his past and a misunderstanding lead him closer to the truth he'd been seeking out, but will it be the key to his ending or his happily ever after? (This story features Scott as a single parent to a young Nathan as Logan finds himself finding love and embracing the family that was always just out of his reach)

Saturday Morning (One Shot/Rated G) Logan takes a moment to reflect on the blessings he's been given in his life.

We're All Different Now (One Shot/Rated M) When a mysterious woman from the future enlists Logan's help to change the past by saving Charles Xavier's life, Logan finds himself back in time at a pivotal place in time. With his mission to save Charles in mind Logan finds himself distracted by his feelings for Scott Summers, a man he loved and lost years before Logan was given a second chance to make things right. Armed with the mission to change only the fate of Charles and nothing else, Logan is torn between doing what was asked of him and following his heart to find a way to make things right with the one man he'd been forced to face a lifetime without the first time around. Will the second time around prove to be a means of repairing the damage that was done or will Scott and Logan's ill-fated romance repeat the same pattern with disastrous consequences?

And finally this one is a WIP series with a one shot and a multichapter, but it doesn't have a lot of family stuff yet as I have it still working out but it is a series that takes place after the movie Logan where Logan is still alive and finds his way back to Scott and Laura if you will.

It's up at

Scott makes a bold decision to resurrect his fallen lover, but in bringing Logan back to life, will it prove to be the key to saving the future or the key to destruction for humanity and mutants alike? How will Logan adjust to his return to a world that moved on in his absence?:

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

You ever wonder what you would do if you ended up in trevat?

probably the most fun thinking exercise i've had for a bit hahah

ended up rambling on for like five minutes so it's under the cut

assuming this is an unnanounced isekai of sorts where i wouldn't want to touch the plot with a ten foot pole (bc that sounds far more interesting than just- what if i lived there),

plan a) book it to liyue harbor avoiding wangshu inn just in case xiao can sense i'm not from teyvat, convince uncle tian to let me sleep in his boat until i have money (he looks like he'd let me in exchange of stories), become a storyteller, tell stories from a faraway land (any and all stories from here, be it plots of books, movies, fanfics, whatever man), profit, make casual friends w beidou to lower the chances of ningguang sending yelan to look into my untraceable past, try not to make it obvious i know zhongli knows i'm not from teyvat (if he ever appears by my storytelling corner) and ensure he likes my stories (this will boost my corner's reputation), buy a house outside chihu rock, befriend xiangling by sharing recipies from here, learn liyue recipies and how to use teyvat ingredients from her, befriend a gaggle of millelith by feeding them 'new and interesting foreign dishes' bc the fastest way to a man's heart is thru his stomach – they will now ensure the area around my house won't get jumped by random treasure hoarders and slimes or geovishaps, travel around once i've made enough money, always return to liyue and live out a chill life w the millelith's protection, the qixing not interested in bothering w me, and zhongli unbothered by my unthreatening presence

plan b) book it to fontaine. this could go two ways depending on if i break some random law immediately upon arrival: b.1) if i don't break any law then i befriend navia by sharing baking tips w her n convice her to let me stake it out at the spina's outpost in fleuve cendre until i make money, write mystery whodoneits (hello recovered manuscript bootleg sherlock holmes) for starting cash and then slowly make the switch to villaness novels w extra mystery (you can't tell me they wouldn't be a hit there) thereby avoiding the likely fierce market competition of plain whodoneits and gaining more fame, profit, buy a house in the countryside to reduce the chances of breaking a random law by reducing the amount of gardes around, keep in touch w navia n be rightfully grateful to her (this will keep the spina on my side), befriend the melusines by sharing stories n cooking tips (they can try me w their weird concoctions) n thus further lowering the chances of me getting randomly arrested, live a chill life (also travel around n stuff obviously) with furina/focalors entirely uninterested in my existance, the gardes and neuvillette seeing me as a normal citizen, and the just-in-case friendly connections to the phantoms via the melusines and the spina via navia (and maybe the surveillance patrol if chevreusse likes my novels) b.2) if i do break some random law immediately upon arrival or too early into plan b.1, then i plead guilty and get sent to meropide (nobody down there will ever bother to look into my untraceable past and trying to argue innocent will only bring attention i likely can't afford), work dilligently until i've made enough friends among the staff, become the prison's storyteller and bard and gain credits like that, become a friendly face nobody will have any interest in harming and likely won't dare to bc i'll have made friends w all sorts of prisoners by then (plus why would you want to fuck with the guy who's literally only singing songs and telling stories. like nobody else is doing it. half the prison would jump you i think), stay down there after my time is up for the same reasons i chose to go down, hopefully be a nice helpful prisoner and a welcome fixture in the fortress, live a quiet and chill life

and lastly, the last resort plan c) book it to mondstadt, beg charles for a gig at the angels' share, sing covers of songs from here and pass them off as melodies from distant lands, avoid venti and his knowledge of music like the plague, avoid kaeya and the knights like the plague also before they realize i'm not From There, get a house in springvale, if diluc ever bartends then try to subtly let him know i'm w him on the knights issue, hopefully this raises my chances at becoming part of the staff of the tavern n the likelyhood of the rest of the staff helping me avoid the knights' suspicion, ideally just live a quiet life in springvale, if by some miracle diluc decides to hire me for the winery then go there instead and live a quiet life as one of the workers, the main objective here is to fly under the knights' radar and position myself in life in a way that venti won't either want to, be able to, or feel the need to get curious about me and try to make contact (i realize dealing w music is counterproductive to this but it's the only gig i can think of that'd work there, would require no starting budget, would allow for flexible hours so i can skedaddle if needed, i wouldn't suck ass at, and would get me a step closer to who is likely going to be my only and/or most accessible ally in staying away from the knights: diluc)

[aspaceformbf]

is there anything from the tumblr account about yb being parasocial online? and do you have any of ur own hcs about him being an online parasocial to us? (btw i love ur blog sm its always a joy going thru it)

(Thank you for enjoying my blog YIPPEE)

---

Hm i don't remember that specifically

There's a bunch of stuff about him believing we love him back (regardless of what we do) and stalking us heavily in all areas and stuff

---

For HCs, he is definitely your biggest stan.

He does have the traits of being too impulsive where he might act like you're a lot closer than you actually are.

He does this in Day 3's rejection route.

Like maybe to you he's a nice friend or a friendly moot but in his head you're lovers, so i definitely see him yelling at other people who flirt with you like "THEY'RE MINE CAN'T YOU SEE WE ARE IN LOVE??"

---

He is a delulu king so a kind gesture from you, like giving him a compliment or a gift might be like a love confession to him

He will definitely tell you stuff like "We are soulmates!!"/" We are meant to be together!!"/"You are the only person that makes me so happy i want to be with you forever"

If you post thirst traps he will definitely get all horny in public and might dm you like moaning audios or dick pics and stuff like "oh my god.. I'm going feral!!"

---

If you've blocked him before for being too creepy, clingy, being way too overfamiliar or for attacking your friends, he either..

- Has side accounts where he pretends to be someone else and tries to improve his behaviour until he feels you're ready to accept him back with an apology/explanation

- Continues to engage with you via anon

- Just lurks on your account

- He definitely hacks into your privates

---

He definitely keeps all our photos and keeps track of our social media behaviour so he's like.. an expert on us, what we like, what triggers us etc

He keeps watch on other people that engage with us, like if he thinks they are getting too CHUMMY with us he gets jealous

I see him trying to ruin our relationship with them by either threatening them to leave anonymously or finding some dirt on them that he can use to make us hate them or lose interest in them

---

If he senses that our mental health is suffering online, he will find out who caused it.

If its a person, he will attack them and reassure us that we did nothing wrong, via anon if we are not on speaking terms with him

If its a trend or something negative happening in the political or social side, he will try to find something positive or something to help and find a way to get It to you.

He is more than happy to send you money too

---

He has his own vlog so he will definitely try to reach out and collab with you somehow. I definitely see him gushing about you in his own channel

[lovinglin]

Sorry I'm going thru it rn so MORE Diona Adopted Daughter agenda ft. Lynn's husband too this time 🫶

Dialogue color code: Teppei | Lynn | Diona

After some thinking, the time Diona is adopted definitely takes place after Lynn is married. She was taking a week off to visit her homeland + visit some friends and family (even if they weren't related). During that time period, that's when she adopts Diona and brings her along her travels while she was vacationing.

Once that one week was over, she travels back to Inazuma with her newly adopted daughter alongside her. Once they were in Watatsumi Island though... that's when a certain husband is greeted with a very unexpected surprise.

Teppei happily greets and welcomes Lynn back! He definitely missed her (a lot) (so very much) (he was probably complaining abt it sometimes to his troops even but that's beside the point).

When he catches sight of the... kid(?) that was clinging alongside his wife, that's when he gets really confused yet curious. (Or was she a kid? He wasn't sure, she had cat ears and a tail. She could've been a yokai of sorts, or something like General Gorou).

Diona is slightly hiding behind Lynn, feeling a little uncomfortable at the moment. Although she saw Lynn hug and greet him happily, she still kept her caution up.

When Teppei asks about her to Lynn, that's when Lynn gets... a little flustered but tries her best to explain the situation still.

"I know this is really short notice- I was planning on writing you a letter even about it, but it... completely slipped my mind. But uhm... Teppei, love, meet our daughter, Diona. Diona, this is Teppei- he's my husband, the one I've told you about."

Teppei is... stunned to say the least. He hears the word daughter and suddenly his mind goes blank yet is racing with so many questions all at the same time. Daughter? Daughter? How? When- why? How did-

Meanwhile, Diona is still quiet, seemingly glaring at Teppei as well. She was observing his reaction, his expressions, and she feels a lot more tense when she sees him get confused and shocked at the news. Teppei takes notice of this, and tries to calm down and compose himself to properly introduce himself to his new daughter... considering she was already here.

"Hello, uhm... I'm Teppei, though- you already know that since Lynn said so. It's still nice to meet you, Diona." He wasn't really sure what to say. He felt a bit awkward. What do you even say to kids? Let alone one that was supposed to be your daughter now?

Diona stays quiet and still looks a bit tense, keeping herself close to Lynn (who lets her do so, just to give her some comfort). Teppei is now internally panicking because oh god, oh fuck, he does not want to upset this kid considering he can tell she means a lot to Lynn and vice versa.

"I know this is a bit new, but... I promise that I'll try my best to take care of you the same way Lynn does-"

"Do you drink?"

"And- ...what?"

"I said do you drink? Like alcohol?"

There's a sharpness in her words that Teppei gets taken aback by. It was so sudden yet she seemed really serious about asking it. He decides not to question it and just answer.

"Well, there's sake here in Inazuma that contains alcohol. But I- I don't drink it often."

That seems to make her frown a bit, which gets Teppei a lot more concerned and worried. Did he answer wrong? Was he just supposed to say no? He was sweating at this point and felt just as tense that he glances over to Lynn to maybe get some help.

Lynn realizes right away and nudges Diona to look at her as she speaks.

"Diona, dear, he rarely drinks alcohol since he has an important job to do. I can assure you that it's different this time around."

"Da- he also had an important job to do but he always got drunk." She reasons, which makes Lynn frown as she feels her stomach twist hearing such a memory from her daughter.

"Right... I'm sorry. But I promise you that I'll make sure things will be different from before, okay? And I'm sure Teppei here can promise that too."

"Oh- I... yeah. Yeah, things will be different here. I promise I'll be a good... father to you, if that's what you need." He's not used to referring to himself as such, but if that's what he needs to be now, then he'll try to make sure he accomplishes such a role.

Diona still looks tense as she looks back at Teppei hesitantly. She couldn't really smell any alcohol on him, moreso saltwater than anything. But she still can't shake the feeling of fear and frustration inside her.

Teppei... he was trying really hard to reassure her, to earn her trust little by little. He won't force her, but he wants them both to get along still at some point. He doesn't want her to feel scared around him, even if he doesn't know the full picture yet on her life from before.

"When... when do you usually drink?"

"Only on special occasions, which is very few and rare. But even then I... usually don't get myself drunk. Especially nowadays, since Lynn is here." He laughs nervously, trying to ease the tension.

Diona seems to loosen up a bit, but she's still clinging onto Lynn. "You smell like saltwater. Do you spend a lot of time in the sea?"

"Yes. Me and my troops usually train near the ocean since Watatsumi Island is surrounded by it. It's also because we sometimes patrol the borders to make sure there's no unwarranted visitors."

"Do you ever go fishing?"

"Fishing? Uh... sometimes? Only when I really need or feel like it. There was one time me and some other soldiers during a war had to catch fish by ourselves since we were running low on rations."

"Like... with your bare hands?"

"Yeah, but only because we got a little desperate when no fish was grabbing onto our bait."

"Pfft-" She laughs, and it makes Teppei smile. "That's so dumb."

"Maybe it was." He chuckles. "But it worked still in the end, so it wasn't a complete loss."

Diona lets go of Lynn now, seemingly getting a little more comfortable. "What kind of fish are you able to catch?"

"Usually the common ones. Anything out of that range is usually in deeper waters. Do you... wanna go fishing with me some time to see?"

"I don't like getting wet."

"Fishing usually comes with the risk of getting wet, dear. But it's a small sacrifice to be able to see different types of fish, don't you think?"

"Mmm... I guess."

"She doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, love-"

"No no, I want to go. I'll go with you. It's just a bit of water. I'm not scared."

"Oh! Well that's good! Do you uh... wanna go now?"

"Don't you have training to do, Captain?"

"Oh- Lynn-" ////

"It's okay, besides..." She looks over to Diona before speaking again. "We need to get ourselves changed first. We've been traveling for a while now, so some fresh clothes are a must right now. I'll take it as a chance to show her around the house too."

"Let me come with you two."

"No, it's fine-"

"I insist-"

"Go excuse yourself first to your troops. We'll still be at the house no matter when you come back, so don't fuss about it too much, okay?"

He sighs. "Fine. Alright. I'll see you two in a bit then."

Once that's done and over, they both bid themselves goodbye once again as Lynn and Diona heads over to where their home is located.

"How are you feeling?"

"Hm? I'm okay. This place is really pretty."

"That's good. Uhm... so, what do you think about him?"

"Huh? You mean Teppei?"

"Yeah!"

"Well my first thoughts were 'that's seriously your husband?'"

"Hey-"

"But... he's okay. I guess a little better than... dad."

"Draff... you don't need to refer to him as your dad if you don't want to. But I'm not gonna force you to call Teppei your new dad either. You can call him whatever you feel most comfortable with, but I can assure you that Teppei will better fill in the role as a father for you as well."

"...I know. Thank you, mom."

[camphorror]

ok so hello people of tumblr. who wants to know what happened since i last regularly posted here????

i became friends with this girl at work i was loooowkey crushing on, we became too close way too quickly. she confided in me a month and a half into out friendship how she had a crush on a***d which caused her a sexuality crisis bc she was convinced she was gay until then. i felt weird but loved her too much to let something silly like this ruin the friendship. he started hanging out with us, i felt real fucking baaaaaad. life situations led me into telling a***d i liked him for ages. he said we're too good friends to ruin it, we're beyond that point! if i had said something earlier then maybe! then i found out he liked her!!! but he decided because of me he would stop talking to her!! i was living thru insanity bc of it. then me and him spent a month and a half being friends but also more than friends? but also "it's just good friends it's nothing romantic bc i said i don't feel the same i don't wanna ruin it you're one of the utmost important people in my life up there with my childhood friends blahblah" and we cuddled and hugged every time we met, texted every day after work until late at night, went thru a kissing/making out one evening after drinking a lot of alcohol drama. he initiated all of this!!! always!! i was in this weird grey area and thought everything is Fine because i know it's not a good idea

then almost a month ago he decided to ask her out! he didn't tell me in advance (despite the fact i told him if you ever choose to act about your feelings just say so). she did not tell me about it despite me being transparent with her all along, and despite telling me she thinks friendship is more important than all of this. so this went on for a week and a half, without me being told, whilst i was feeling weird asf and convincing myself i'm going crazy because of my anxiety bc everything was Normal. and then i found out thursday march 28th (haha a month ago exactly.. what a coincidence) because we were together and he said he can't wait for a "right time" like she wanted to. all of life collapsed from the feeling of betrayal from and anger at both of them. first i hated her, now i realised i hate him because he was at fault for all this messed up shit and took zero responsibility the one time we talked. i gave 2 of them chances to talk as some closure and we haven't spoken since. i truly hate him and think he's a shit person.

took a whole week off work after that first happened. was depressed at home. one day i decided to dress nicely and go meet my friend who just came back from abroad at the city of christ..... told her everything. then she took me to see a cool hostel i'd like bc it's in an ancient building. guy who works there studied with us but i didn't remember him lol. we talked & had wine then i got tipsy i overshared everything. he was the most charming and cute person i met.... (& a proper proper leftist too). we spent 3 hours there with him despite my friend wanting to kill me bc that WASN'T the plan. he was overly friendly, had a very interesting vibe.. esp abt the situation... then he told me how he's going abroad the next day and perhaps is gonna break up with his ldr gf... we sat together whilst my friend was in another room/on the side on her phone (I APOLOGISED PROFOUNDLY) and he even showed me pics of him from the gym... my biggest regret is when we left, had food with my friend and just got on the bus, he texted me on ig that i should come back to say bye again.. i didnt... then he came back from abroad last week and sort of said if i got the time i should come visit.. so of ci did lol but the Vibe was gone (as like... he didnt break up with the gf and therefore there was no vibe & i was fine with it lol). he asked me if i want him to teach me how to fight and i said yeah so besides updating him again on my woes we also literally fought with each other which was fucking fun. like he was properly teaching me what to do in a fight. i'm still feeling sore (that was 2 days ago) he is so cool and i wanna be his friend now that i am not cr*shing on him...

besides that life is still grim and i am going back to work in a day and gonna have to see those 2 people who ruined my life again aaaaand i know my mental health will take a dive. what do you even do when this shit happens

[fg083nrt]

What ships from Naruto do you like, except Kakuhida? I'm asking out of curiosity :)

Also your art makes me want to eat tables!!! RAAH!!!!! (/pos)

This is a surprisingly loaded question because I have so many and some of them span for almost 20 years now.

Also, as usual, disclaimer, since I've seen all the ship wars and holywars, THESE ARE ALL PERSONAL OPINION. PERSONAL OPINION ONLY.

(endless yapping below the cut)

In the past:

My first ship when I was 12 was Pain/Konan, and I think that was the first smut I've ever read like period. I was a big cheerleader of Hinata and Naruto/Hinata because I liked that Hinata just minded her business and stayed in her lane while everyone else was going thru shit (Team 8 had the best work-life balance, I think, they just clocked in and clocked out, no shenanigans). Obviously, Temari/Shikamaru and I loved Neiji/Tenten. I think as a kid these were like really fun dynamics. Once the anime reached the Akatsuki I was all over the Akatsuki LMAO.

But now, as a grown adult, I am almost 99% just KKHD, and Akatsuki ships are like the default absolute truth to me, but recently, I've been obsessed with more Naruto Yuri.

Love Ino/Sakura for that double-income spy who owns a secret flower shop/doctor dynamic; it's just nice. Like I am a firm believer that they could have solved their differences by scissoring or something. Also like, I think their backstory is like an insane missed opportunity (but what's written cannot be unwritten, so whatever) because these pages made me feel like I was reading some kind of josei backstory. Like, go ahead and read these pretending this is not from Naruto, and tell me where do u think this could be from.

Like "pussy from a girl who treats you like a small stupid animal (good until psychic damage hits)"

Like, I would be like, this is either a shoujo manga, or the next page is older Sakura crying in the kitchen with a photo of Ino or something, and then by the end of the story, they, like fuck in the field or something while Sakura is like "I can't believe my toxic female friend from school has 4 fingers up my pussy!", but this could just be projecting, but I still like the ship. On a serious note, Sakura being a crybaby who was picked on would have been a fun opportunity to play with her character and create more empathy for Naruto within her, but her role was more like tying the two characters together, which worked well, but lots of people were salty, but it pushed people to support her character more so it evens out.

Tsunade/Shizune is like my next super fave, especially after rewatching the Tsunade arc. Tsunade's character is just so well done when it comes to how people cope with grief by doing destructive things, I loved it; Kishimoto is fantastic at mature story beats like this weaved between magical ninja fights. But yeah I loved their dynamic like Shizune is essentially her attendant/pet girl/assistant who is extremely loyal to her, but also nagging in a way and also Shizune is just very animated and kinda dorky while Tsunade is a calm mommy- sorry a mature rich woman of status who needs to be taken care of (nearly blacked out writing this). Their back and forth is just chef kiss, too. Honestly, I think that's my favourite Naruto arc; the first part of Naruto is great when it comes to mundane details that I now have more appreciation for.

Their auntie banter!

GODDDDD THAT WAS SO LIKE IT HURTS SEEING OTHERS LIVING THE LIFE YOU DREAM OF

And obviously still love Temari/Shikamaru! I loved that Shikamaru was always very tsundere and going on about how much he hates girls, but deep down is actually like, "Me when a bad bitch tells me to do anything." it's a satisfying way to play with his "character flaw". Seeing him go soft on Temari was like a mini character arc within his already happening character arc during Sasuke's pursuit, like we saw him grow up twice, great stuff!

The entire chapter 235 is just an amazing growth for Shikamaru in elevating the like "men/women" way of thinking to like "what makes a person who they are" way of thinking I really love that. The character is also a great reminder for those afraid of failing btw.

Kakashi/Iruka is my fave, 50% from a historical standpoint; the fact that you can find Kakairu fanfic on Geocities from 2001, and I have some doujins in my collection that are more than 20 years old now is fascinating to me. Love how incredibly loyal the Japanese fans are to Iruka; these guys were holding onto hope for so many years till the Pain arc and then, boom, Studio Pierrot's final Naruto arc!!! It's just incredible fandom history. I love that kinda stuff, love the ship itself too, it's very homey to me, some of the legendary fic they had was fantastic, like entire book's length, incredibly loyal fans.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary387

10/13-14/24

sunday - monday

sometimes, dreams do come true.

as always with dreams though, there's many fucked up parts that are kind of horrible and sad! so i was able to get into the festival because my friend from out of town, she came with two other friends, and one got dropped on her head while crowd surfing to cap'n jazz's oh messy life. that was the first day, second day, they had to go to the hospital for her, then she had the okay, then today, there were complications and this is really worrying, i am going to ask about that tomorrow, i think to not be a pest about it today, they came over to pick some stuff up, they left it with us, and my friend asked me on the phone before coming if i'd like her wristband, and i was like... yeah, part of me feels so guilty though, like i don't deserve that level of kindness, i can't really believe people would be so nice to me, or like my gf being so nice to me always too, everyone is really nice to me, i don't get it. i don't do anything good or useful, i feel in fact like i've leeched off of terrible circumstance a bit, and it also feels like it's just that the world is painful and we are fragile, there's a cruel logic to things and this is how they end up, or can end up, good things can be nightmares a little too. but the show was incredible, i got to see the jesus lizard too and they sound great, yow is surprisingly active as a guy still, as in moving around lots, being super expressive, he loves music, you can feel it.

blood brothers though, this was their first show of their tour, and they i think went as hard as they possibly could. jordan at one point brought up being of advanced age, some of the songs being hard, needing a breather, johnny spent most of the show crowdsurfing, he loved it, so many people surfed, it was very exciting, i was at the barricade the whole time honestly the crowd was super respectful. morgan had these insanely loud and low bass synth sounds, at points, deeper than his actual bass, so much sub stuff going on, running some synth into an ampeg head and a sunn cab, idk what head his bass and guitar were going to (he played both, some songs have no bass, just like, baritone (maybe (maybe just guitar where the low frequencies can come thru cuz of the head and cab)) guitar riffing beside the regular guitar, which cody played through a whole orange amp rig. funny to see, sounded very good though, such an odd sound he has i don't know how to describe it. it really is like, i dunno, sharp sounding but not really super high frequency focused? odd odd guitar sound. really great though, i was by morgan but it came through surprisingly well much of the time. the one issue w/ the sound was the kick was kind of fucked up loud, but that's okay, i like fucked up loud basically. i think johnny's voice started to go towards the end a bit, i think both were like that, i don't think they figured they'd be doing such a long set on this tour, but i'm glad i got to see it like this, they did like so many great songs, i like how much they did of the later records, and they did do a (i think just one) song off of march on electric children. also very fun to see johnny play keys. it's definitely the case that morgan and mark are the guys doing so much to make the band work, crazy musicians, everyone in the band is a crazy musician, i think like, they play such fucked up music structurally that it's hard to play perfectly, certainly some mistakes but the looseness helps it feel really cool, idk, they're just playing that shit, going off, i felt it so hard, i was so joyous seeing them too, it's like this violent apocalyptic jubilance, a crazy thing for art to get at.

here i'll insert, when my friend came to drop things off, it was a brief hello, but when two came to pick everything up, they stayed for a while, or an hour, if an hour is a while, we didn't really talk, i just enjoyed having them in the house and serving them, or helping or trying to help, they were so appreciative, that makes me want to cry right now, i felt like i was doing so little, just offering things to them while cooking for my gf, or helping bring out a suitcase and a bag, they're such kind people, it's crazy how kind and appreciative people can be, i did hardly anything i swear, it seemed to mean a lot to them, it makes me want to do more for them, and everyone else.

i also, during the whole set, kept thinking about fear and hunger... this is now the fear and hunger portion of my diary entry...

so daan died...we got to the church, i got the third statue, wandered around a little while, it was fun to figure out how to get through the underground of the church. i was going through, fighting those snail headed freaks, i had to fight a death mask, at least i know where the second one spawns for me, so i can strategize about that (i'll get to this in a moment), i found the path out, but found something rather tragic, a whole scene in the otherworld rher dimension with samarie, where she confessed all kinds of things to marina, who barely knew her... i want to know what goes on with that, i wonder, can i do a play through where i find her as marina and get them together, traveling? something about them together is cute to me or, i don't know... it's like, the game is well written already, but the writing of that scene, genuinely, it hits a story of the eye type feeling, this perverse woman, killer of the father, obsessed with the trans girl who she watched "caressing herself" and putting makeup on for hours, marina not understanding, there is this tragic gulf, there's this excess, the absence of fear of approaching these characters having some, i don't want the word erotic to be taken as my finding this arousing, rather, they exist in that dimension, it's not shied away from really, it adds to the disorienting sadness of the conversation, it's like, not scary, it's tragic, i can't tell if marina forgot her friend who was secretly obsessed, or if she was obsessed from such a difference they just never spoke. but samarie makes it sound like they spoke. i don't know, something about the two of them, they feel equally forced into the role of being objects, i guess, then there's this failure on samarie's part to understand her friend, or even manage her feelings, it's genuinely really moving to me, and then she transformed into dysmorphia (not confusing it with dysphoria), and used hurting on daan, blew his arm off, and then used it on him before he could heal himself, and killed him, making it almost too much to bear, i instantly missed his party talk chatter, how he was so distant and snide, evidently kind or wounded or something though. still in awe at this, miro's ability to make these characters something, not to be cruel about games generally, but it's rare to see that, even in the first one it's a bit... they're very much stereotypes, but messed up, subverted, there's an emotional dimension to them, certainly as you complete the journey with them, you imprint a lot onto them. but in this it's different. eventually, we killed her.

really really sad, we escaped the church, the path to the tower open, a blood portal made as well, we went back to the train, i got the guy who looks like jojo, marcoh, he is very nice too, a kind man. but, honestly, he is not daan, daan is so... maybe i just find him cute, or something, or, he's so charming to me, the way he tries to distance himself, i saw some people say this game is much less depressing than the first, this is untrue, the state i found him in, sitting in a room, trapped, staring into space, when you ask him about a sigil on the floor he says, don't ask questions you don't want answers to. he's grim in a way that's not like, really silly. it feels honest from him. it's not like marcoh feels dishonest he's just a tough kind man, still though everyone in this game feels some kind of pathetic, not saying this cruelly, it is a positive. it makes me want to cry a little, or not a little, it just makes me want to cry. so now this game is in my favorites of all time, i mean it, it's really up there... beside yume nikki and silent hill. i haven't even beat it yet, i just, i don't know, no matter what bothers me about it, its handling of marina, that specific moment with samarie, the fact i want to go back in time even though i have a rather well set up save with 4 characters in my party, 2 hours of progress made, to try and save daan, that's insane right? that's like really meaningful, to me. these characters aren't even so... they're not like intensely strong, it's not like a vn, it's like, you feel attached to them because you feed them, you help them cope, or you see them eat together, and cope together, and then they say just a little more in this one, olivia tries to be absentminded, and talk about plants, can't stop being afraid, karin is always being tough and political, daan is affecting distance... i dunno.

it is silly probably how much i relate to marina, since she is a silent protagonist here, it's mostly that making it work like that, i dunno, this and the first do a good job of making you feel a meaningful connection to those characters in yourself, like you have something of them embedded in you, i guess it might be the suffering? no suffering so intense as what's in the game, but still, its cruel vision of things feels empathetic to quotidian pains.

i'm getting all rambly and emotional about a video game. these are blessed times for me, the fact i have a new favorite of this magnitude, and that i saw the blood brothers, i don't know. i napped, i kept seeing the character move around in my head. just going through places that don't exist. so many special pieces of art in the world:

listening to this song, i'm always reminded of clouds in summer, when it rains and is humid, the huge pillars of clouds, those non-things trying to climb higher than the blue of the sky, it feels like, and the day that was totally clear yet humid (maybe not clear? in my head... maybe there are streaks of clouds, torn up cotton balls in the blue...), where my grandma took my cousin and i to see dolphins at the mgm grand i think. the palm trees, the false tropical environment, the beauty of the animals, their faces. was it the mgm? it might have been another one... whatever though, it was a casino, it could be one that's been torn down. anyway, this song contains that inside it, and more, it has this clumsiness in it, or, it dredges up my clumsy childhood feelings or ways of seeing, simpler things, everything is huge, every emotion, my confusions, my early education in the desire of others, it's all this quiet slow dance thing. i don't know why this song is coming to me now, or why i picked it out of all others, but i really feel it so deeply. i guess this is what happens when there are days like this.

with this, i must sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

pinkmoonmutual i think i have come to u about my adoring fixations on older men before. I woke up from a dream where I was hanging out with this guy I really like and it was so wonderful and perfect and exactly what I want from him....a very nice dream to have, and it fits into what ive been working on recently which is human relationships and figuring out what I want and how to have it... its difficult for me because I love people SO MUCH often after a very short amount of time, this is especially true of older people because I crave sibling affection I didn't get growing up but it happens with people my own age too. and ah idk I'm never sure how to express it to people because love and intensity are things most people only want and expect from romantic attraction. and I'm not opposed to that but especially with older men this becomes difficult because the people I love are not interested in dating people 10 years younger than them and really it would be inappropriate (this guy was my professor! not gonna happen!) and i just end up feeling really creepy and weird and not knowing what to do with this huge adoration and affection inside me. so tricky I really wish you could just be /in love/ with someone and tell them and have them see it as a nice thing and not me trying to get sex or romantic commitment from them. i wish i was a little dog so i could just curl up at his feet and have it be simple. guuuuhhhhhhhh honestly i just wanted to tell you about my crush. I only knew this guy for like a month and a half so its a bit silly but hes so pretty and smart and cool and really inspired me to live and pushed me in the direction im currently going. its just tricky tricky im probably over complicating it but do you think there's more to love than the relationships that people in our world expect? I love people like theyre a god TT .. even talking about it here feels vapid compared to how it is for me. anyway nice dream thanks universe and i hope the pinkmoonworld is nice today <3

i understand u <3 it is a vary nice day in pinkmoonworld thanku for the wish~~~i know this dilemma tho sigh , my thoughts below..

i always felt like my admiration of people was extreme & consuming , i still do to a certain extent its a big part of the reason WHY i became a bit withdrawn like i struggle w how attached i get to others. i dont want to ask for anything in return but i feel shame when people find me creepy lol. And even then, that shame isnt rly the reason i've become untrusting with my heart, cold ppl r the least of my worries, i understand them.. moreso it's dangerous for me when i encounter someone who recognizes i am This Way & instead of being plainly disinterested or aloof they consciously decide to Use my affections in a sinister manner for their own advantage. that's what's mainly caused me to bcome distant even tho i want to love those ppl too.

so despite distance i still need some outlet for these loveful feelings so i guess i've spent the past 5-ish years working on ways to be overly compassionate in a safer manner.. And a big part of that is that i rly find the purest form of love to be platonic love, when theres not really any expectations or prize for being close to someone yet u still are, that kind of love speaks the deepest to me. and it's funny because really shortly after i surrendered my quest for romantic love, like completely surrendered , is when i met SLIMBO, and thru my efforts to be a really good friend to them we ended up falling sooooooo deeply sincerely in love like nothing i;ve ever known. if we had rushed into a relationship idk if it wld be the same , like having it slowly blossom over the course of a few years w no pressure, it's the foundation upon which we could be SO deeply sure we would always be together.

So the way u speak of loving ur crush, i'd say, just continue to act kindly towards him and everyone else u encounter, with no expectations of them.. people really need this like i think everyone needs to know what it feels like to experience a True Friend a selfless friend. it's rare! i rarely meet anyone who i feel doesn't want *something* from me that i cant give them. and i dont even want to hold that against them! im just saying, what U feel is rare so u should embrace it. allow yourself to exude love as much as u can and that frequency will return to u, just like how it did for me and slimbo...And other friends ive made along the way ^_^ Follow you heart.. maybe he's older but who knows what could happen. i've dated ppl 10 years older than me cus i have always acted like grandpa. sometimes ppl will just see u for ur soul.

and maybe ur dream is pointing u in a right direction, idk, i confessed my love to slimbo a few days after having a dream that we held hands. Ofc we had been friends for 2 years by this point so the time felt right, not every dreams mean u should confess, but i feel like having a sweet dream such as that can be a sort of telepathic experience sometimes.. show a connection between you and him on the astral plane. Take time to enjoy life n enjoy having a crush too cus it can be really fun to feel that crazy over someone :] thats my thoughts.....good luck with your heart, PMD9 out !

[minmin-pal]

you don't have to send a reply or even an answer really, i know it's close to the time so please feel free to ignore this and give yourself some time or just do something else you'd like other than answering a tumblr ask lmao/lh/gen

welcome back to custard/mikey/mustard/🍮 speedrunning asks in 2 hours go!

'Trying to become happy by doing assassinations' caught me off guard but yay I've already properly fixed and added the stuff you said to my watch guide, i appreciate the 'using the wrong pronouns for extra concealing' lol, ty jjba veteran for ur wisdom :pray: /gen

i've gotten so used to expecting them to come back too lol, but yes alright, thank you for the advice :D maybe i can somehow make it thru jjba with even a quarter of my feelings intact? (I'm not confident in that either ::/j/lh)

and woah I'm glad you were able to enjoy naruto! and yeah truee the possessed fox mode(?) thing always looked so cool and reminding is understandable lol, and now that you mention it he really would've been that one friend everyone would have in elem lmao. his cheery, rebellious to teachers and pulls pranks, he definitely would've been a popular kid or something during elem (is elem the same as primary school? ;;)

ngl i'd maybe say the reason gaara was more appealing than sasuke is maybe he was actually a nice character?/lh also younger gaara was very adorable to watch but yeah sasuke was just being a tad bit of an asshat lol

and ohh, people's opinions on tsunade is often positive leaning but it's neat to hear your thoughts on jiraiya and orochimaru are often like switched, if that makes sense? it's fun to see other opinions finally exist lmao, jiraiya was weird as heck but he had that character appeal going on somehow lol/pos

the 'hercules-corona borealis great wall' new term i never knew existed, ty for this brain food :pray:

and ah, somehow that single image you inserted of the dude drawn in the first style explains it (art looks nice though, muscles so cool omg/lh/pos)

I'm getting the same feeling that aot will end in the same-ish manner that killer in love did, just completely turn everything on the viewers heads and make us all feel emotionally exposed or smth lol, i'm gonna have to put on some protective gear before restarting the anime ;;

oh wait there's a csm part 2? I haven't heard much about it though it makes sense if his still working on it, and yep csm has already been added to my to-read list and csm2 is joining >:)

oyasumi punpun sounds very cute, i will be checking that out now, i need to feel feelings again after speedrunning killer in love lol/hj/lh

"boy's abyss" added to the collection (i will actually finish this list I swear lmao/gen) help naur "you didn't dislike kokoa, and that's really telling of you as a person" had me worried if it was bad for a few seconds TT/lh

and yeah I'm really glad they made her kinda of a victim too, really pulled the story together especially in the 'backstory leading to her walking off into the distance' ending (and yeah don't worry about any of it being too short or anything, it's understandable so pls don't strain urself :D/lh)

oh yeah, seeing a character make the same decisions or do the same thing as you and it's being shown/viewed(?) as a bad thing, is definitely an eye-opener moment

i don't know all the details and this might seem unwarranted but you were both human and I'm sorry they left you so suddenly (i'm not trying to come as all like- dunno pompous or anything i swear ;;) not trying to argue since it might've been the healthy decision for them and i can respect that, i'm sorry you had to be left alone so suddenly though/gen (i hope this didn't come off badly ;;/lh)

we're speedruninngg :run:

and yay, yeah i really did it like it, thank you again for getting me to read it/gen the wholw story and it's art in general was very lovely:]<3

(mustard is my new, nEW name that will appear on my birth certificate lmao, also how did i not think of that sooner it was literally staring me in the face lol)

i'm answering the first of the 'thank you and nice to meet you' post thing and i reached where you said you were physically running out of time and i am also running out of time physically, the irony is making me cackle lol/hj/lh

it makes me a bit sad too, but i'm really glad i did meet you (as much as meeting you counts to stumbling across your blog?) i might not have said this enough times, but reading you rant off on random tangents and just talking about silly random stuff that you liked and things that mattered to you was genuinely a very fun experience that i won't be forgetting./gen

mayb the afterlife or void or whatever turns out to be meeting you there, does have wifi, i mean you can never be too sure right lmao? I can imagine it might just be 2 bars or something tho lol/lh

bye bye to you too min, and yeah no worries, the end poem has a special place for me so i don't consider it corny at all that you brought up, not gonna lie the first time i read your response seeing the response just made me bawl harder lol,

you like showing me stuff and i like watching you show me stuff, it's very fun would reccomended:D/lh reccomended:D/lh

don't be sorry, you don't need to be/lh/gen

thank you for that, (am i allowed to save it?/genq/nf) making you tear up was the goal muahaha >:)/hj/lh

even if it's not new, i stand by "all min art is good art", thank you. genuinely for everything min. this has been a very nice few 47(?) days of knowing you and i'll always check back on here, i know you said promises don't count to dead people, but welp unfortunately one of us will still be alive and chilling so that promise is gonna get fulfilled >:) my evil masterplan all along, it's gonna take you so long to scroll down thru my jjba review part 1 ask with the shitty wifi in the afterlife/again, whichever ends up waiting

i'll take care of little dustball min >:) could go to a cat cafe, i heard you liked cats./lh

It nice meeting you min, thank you for everything genuinely, it's been nice.

love you stranger :D

gonna go offline permanently in 5 mins (plus i will be deleting a lot of posts- just cus i dont want to be known for some of these) so i cant go too indepth

im really happy we spoke. i sometimes would worry that people who found me off my more. sad stuff would never know me much and im happy u let me . not be so depressing and let me rant about fuckin g jojos bizarre adventure to you

thanks mustard custard mikey and see u in the next ecosystem

[golbrocklovely]

Random question,

Were you homeschooled? If you were, I have literally no socialization when it comes to people besides family. My mental health is rotting, I'm extremely emotionally sensitive, and I feel I really need friends, like it just feels like it would help alot.

What do you think?

i was only homeschooled for 8th grade, but i do get the sentiment of not knowing how to make friends. i used to have a big friend group that i've since lost bc back in 2020 my best friend of 10 years (and basically my life line to that group) decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore bc her life was too stressful and she figured she was a shit friend anyway so she should cut me loose (along with a mirade of other things that went on that she blamed it on). so, i haven't had a core group of friends in a long time and i struggle to connect with ppl.

i will say, your best bet - at least at first - is to try to make friends online based on things/fandoms you are a part of. i have my couple friends on here, and even tho we almost exclusively talk about snc related shit, i still count them as my closest friends. and it's nice to be able to talk to them about that stuff.

and as for in real life stuff you can do to make friends, idk how old you are, but try to see if there are any local groups or events you can join in your area. see if there is a book group at your local library, see if there are any classes at a community center you can take. hell, even getting a job where some of the ppl in that place are the same age as you is good starting point as well. when you are in forced proximity with ppl, you tend to befriend others more often. that's why a lot of us were even able to have friends in school.

try to go into everything with an open mind. and genuinely remember that 99% of ppl are a, in the same boat as you (confused and don't know what to do next) and b, aren't trying to hurt your feelings. most ppl are nice. of course there are assholes, but try not to let ppl like that bring you down. and gentle reminder, you most likely are not as awkward as you feel. and i know that from personal experience lol

also, my biggest recommendation is working on yourself as well and learning to become your own best friend. i know that's very cliche and silly to say, but highkey one of the best choices i ever made was learning to cut myself some slack and start being nice to myself. if you can afford it, consider therapy. but i know that's not always an option for ppl (even myself). try to do some introspection on who you are, the obstacles you've gone thru and overcame, and do your best to be nice to yourself. i'm telling you, when you start to actually like yourself and give yourself a break, especially on the things you had no control over in the first place, life starts to feel a lot less harder to deal with.

even if your first step is to start reading self help books - do that. write out your feelings more, explore why you act the way you do and if that's something you want to change. set goals that are reasonable, put pride into yourself. treat yourself like you would someone you are friends with. think of yourself as someone worthy of love, bc you are.

but let it be known that this will not happen overnight. i wish it did, but it took me YEARS, i truly mean years, to finally start liking myself and having any resemblance of confidence. it will not happen in one go. you have to be consistent and constantly working on yourself. and i know that can be difficult. but in the long run it will do wonders for yourself.

i wish i had all the answers for you, and i wish i knew the best course for you to take. and i wish you all the luck in the world. i truly believe you will make friends and start a great path on your mental health journey. it won't be easy, and it will take a lot of time, but it's worth it bc you deserve that. you deserve happiness <3

[caluski]

And like I knowwwww it REALLY is all my fault. I really know that. I'm not trying to act like "oooo it's fate it's fate that put it's curse on me I'm just unlucky" because I know all the blame is on me. I know I fucked up so so so so many things and I fucked over other people *and* myself. And I know that I have to work very very hard to become like someone who could be loved because it's not like people who are loved and happy just "got lucky somehow" but because they simply worked hard on themselves and for their happiness. But it's just so overwhelming. I feel like I'm starting my life from scratch. I have nothing. Well ok.... I do have roof over my head and a tumblr blog. I try so hard to have love for the little joys in life but man it's so so so fucking hard to cherish them alone as well. I wish I could have someone to go to a café with. I wish I could have someone to spend new years eve with. I wish I could have someone to stroll thru a park with. I wish I could have someone to go to a bar with. Żmija is so nice and so patient towards me always but she's so far away and has a million more important things and people going on in her own life anyway. And I'm not even attractive enough to go on dating apps to meet new people. It's so exhausting it's so...... I wish I could have my family by my side at least. I wish they enjoyed spending time with me. I wish I didn't feel like an intruder no matter who I'm with, no matter where I go. With my former friends, my coworkers, classmates whatever, I actually tried so many many many fucking times to get together, to go out, to organize something, anything... I have so so many flaws and in many ways of course I am really truly horrible. But this one part of it I cannot let go, the fact that I actually tried my best and kept texting first and suggesting specific dates and plans and everything, and yet that didn't work. And I don't know why. I have no idea what is so wrong with me that I couldn't even make my best friends stay. I'm impatient and selfish and moody and needy and lazy and whiny and ugly and cowardly and loud and stubborn and nitpicky and pretty boring and I interrupt people and I like to gossip and I don't do drugs and I wallow in sadness and self pity too much and I talk without thinking and I get way too focused on myself. But I SOMEHOW did get these friends even if they were casual... despite everything. And then I lost them. I had my chances and I blew them ALL, every single one. I keep thinking about my former best friend especially, over and over again, i really tried my best, I actually tried my damn best to become a better listener and to distract her when she needed it, and yet I was still not good enough. She still kept rejecting me over and over and over again and like a fucking idiot I kept refusing to give up. And I wish I knew what I did wrong. I wish I knew what was it that made her reject me. Why was she so embarrassed of me? Why was she so ashamed to be around me in public, why did she refuse to introduce me to her other friends? Maybe it was not even any of the negative sides of me, but that she just couldnt find any positives in me, either. Maybe people could look past all the bad things about me, if I had something.... good in me. Maybe having *some* flaws is not the problem, but instead, being... a nobody is the worst flaw in itself. Maybe I'm good as a casual coworker or classmate or mutual or acquaintance or a stranger you see every three days buying tomatoes at your farmers market. But nothing more. And i do still want to work on my weaknesses, I want to become patient and kind and someone who makes others feel cared for, and safe, and listened to. But what if, even if I somehow achieve it, even if I somehow become a better person, get over my worst struggles. What if I still will be like... A zero. Not a negative, sure, but not a positive either. Just a zero. And I will be at my best... and I still will be nothing. What then. What then

[new-dawn-au]

Am I going to make Apis and Saki canon? Hell yeah, they're too cute not to! Don't blame me, blame the little demon pulling my heart to make this happen X3

Bold = texting

"Italics with quotation marks = thinking"

This was not good.

It was supposed to be a normal day, but of course, something had to go wrong. The thunder was too loud, too near, too…. Familiar. And Apis was not a fan.

He could feel tears building up in his eyes and his own grip on reality or any sense quickly slipping away as he tried to find somewhere to hide from it all.

He had stupidly forgotten his house keys, and Adonis was working that day so he couldn't unlock the door for him, leaving him in a bad situation of having to wait for hours to go home. And it sucked.

But just as he was about to break down, he heard a voice he had grown fond of over the past few months. "Apis? Are you okay?" Saki asked her friend, visibly worried about him.

Apis looked to his friend and tried to muster a smile but miserably failed, letting tears fall as he clung onto her.

"Please… don't let them hurt me again. I can't go back, I can't, they'll hurt me, I just know it. I'm dead if they find me, please don't make me go back… help me, please." He mumbled through his tears, he couldn't control himself when he was like this. He felt embarrassed, embarrassed that he was breaking down like this and having a breakdown in front of someone he considered a good friend.

Surprisingly to him, Saki had not pushed him away, instead pulling him closer and taking him to her house. Despite her knowing little to nothing about what he was talking about, she still comfored him. "It's okay, I won't let them take you. You'll be safe here."

By the time they had both entered her room, Apis had fainted from panic, leading Saki to lend him her bed and pull the covers over him whilst she went to get something for the both of them to eat and drink.

Nobody was home today so it left her to watch over her friend without interruptions. Suddenly, his phone received a message.

Adonis: That thunder is really loud isn't it? Hope you're ok❤️

Yikes, it was going to be complicated to explain that Apis wasn't actually seeing this message and that he had passed out. But Saki did it in the best way she knew how to.

Apis: this is Saki Tachibana, a friend of Apis from school! He's at mine rn bc he got scared by the thunder and he's sleeping thru it srry do you want me to wake him up? :)

Adonis: no, it's fine. It's nice to know that he has many good friends now. Or maybe you're more than friends🤨? Jkjk

Wait, what?

Was Apis's dad trying to suggest that they were… dating?! Saki had never even considered dating him! However..

She did find him very kind and cute. And it was so fun messing with his hair, it was always so soft and he always reacted so cutely when she accidentally touched his neck when playing with his hair with his little giggle and nose scrunch followed by his insistence that he was most definitely not ticklish on his neck despite him obviously being so. And his face was attractive as well, she had thought of kissing him before…. Wait, kissing?!

Okay, so she might like him, but there was no way that he felt the same!

Apis: omfg no💀 were not dating but Im flattered that you think I cud end up with sum1 like him XD

Adonis: uh huh, sure thing lol. If he isn't up or still at yours by half 4 then give me your address and I'll come for him.

Apis: will do.

A few hours later, Apis stirred awake and looked around before seeing Saki and realising what just happened. "Ah, Saki! I'm sorry for falling asleep in your bed, it won't happen again!" "Haha! It's fine, you were scared and you needed it, I don't mind." Saki smiled, handing him a rice ball.

"I assumed that you'd be hungry when you woke up so I made some rice balls for you, do you like it?" Apis took a bite and smiled back at her, blushing slightly. "Mmhmm! It's really nice, thank you."

There was that look again, that smile and those rosy cheeks. And those eyes… it made Saki truly realise her feelings for him.

She loved him, she actually loved someone again. She didn't even think she could love like this after her last relationship, but here she was, basking in Apis's presence, loving his existence, loving being around him.

Nope, she had to stop herself there. She was supposed to be looking after him, she could crush over him another time! "Hey, are you thirsty? I have some apple juice downstairs that I can go get if you want." Apis nodded and followed her to the kitchen, holding her hand to keep his balance stable

Saki could just feel herself overheating, his hands were strangely soft in comparison to her rough ones up, they felt like heavenly buttercream to her and she adored it.

But all of a sudden, she heard whimpering coming from him as he pulled his hand back, covering his white eye. "It must be that scar again! But how can I help him?" Saki thought, coming to a reckless conclusion.

She held his wrists gently so as to not hurt him, leant near his face and placed a gentle kiss on his white eye and scar, gaining a squeak from him. "E-Eh?! Saki, what are you doing?.."

"Oh shit! I am so sorry, I didn't know what to do and I thought that if I kissed it then the pain would go away! That was really stupid, I'm so sorry again." Saki apologised profusely before Apis interrupted. "You don't have to apologise! I… um.. actually kind of liked it.. it made me feel safe, and warm and fuzzy inside and I don't know why.. is there something wrong with me?"

Saki widened her eyes, could he feel the same thing towards her as she did to him? She had to test it.. "Hey, is it okay if I try something? You can stop if you feel weird or uncomfortable."

Apis nodded his head. Granted, he didn't know what was going to happen, but he put all of his faith and trust in Saki.

She leant near his face again, kissing his lips as she closed her eyes. She was taken by positive surprise when she felt Apis kiss back slightly, so he did feel the same way! His lips were just as soft as the rest of him, it was clear that they had been bitten out of anxiety and overall stress,but it wasn't unpleasant, it was kind.

Apis pulled away to catch his breath, his cheeks now a bright red. "I.. enjoyed that… a lot. I think that I… love you."

Saki smiled wide, her cheeks the same as his as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him I to a hug. "I love you too, Apis."

IT'S DONE AND NOW I'M GONNA BURRY MY HEAD IN FLUFF OVERLOAD, GOOD BYE

[weabooweedwitch]

I dunno I kinda get the vibe that you also view your mom as a defective loser who can't change? you don't really have any nice things to say about her and seem to hate her about as much as you hate yourself (not to say that your mom isn't a pain and immature as fuck to boot bc she absolutely is). you call her subhuman and an idiot and all these horrible things a lot, before I thought it was just harsh online venting of your deepest most private thoughts but I guess you say that stuff to her irl too? just from seeing those texts, I feel bad because I know you're going thru a lot and you're hurting I don't want to make it worse but I kinda had to agree with the verbal aggression and suicide threats comment. not defending your mom, she is a pain-in-the-ass womanchild, but I can kind of understand why she's so defensive and reactive if that really is the way you speak to her. I'm sorry I know that's probably not what you want to hear or the most validating thing, your feelings are absolutely valid too here and I understand how grating having that type of parent can be, as someone who has a similar-but-maybe-not-as-bad situation over here

btw, as I understand it personality disorders are actually very responsive to therapy. the only reason people with certain disorders like aspd and npd don't get better is because a lot of them don't view themselves as having a problem or view their life problems as mostly other people's fault and don't want to hear the negative criticism. bpd has a very good prognosis too for those that recognize a need to change their behavior.

I mean, ultimately yes, i am real shitty to her off and on, but my opinion I guess is that, the temper and the insults are something that developed over time and is specific to our specific relationship. Like my mom and I have always kind of butted heads, but me being, I guess openly malicious towards her is a development that came about within the last few years, or decade maybe, just progressing over time

It's sort of like, you know, one of the things I hate the most is having to repeat myself because someone wasn't listening the first time, and with my mom, we just have the same issues over and over again that are never resolved, or I keep seeing weird behaviors in her, or she makes decisions that I find literally nonsensical. And its just. I look at her and I see someone still making all the same mistakes she always has, and it makes me angry because, I mean, my entire childhood was fucking ruined from constantly moving and literally being trapped in cars with her while she ranted. My relationship with extended family was ruined just because she had personal grudges that I kinda lowkey think are also her fault tbh. I got moved away from my grandmother because my mom was randomly like "oh I can't find any jobs in Missouri, let's just move 8 hours away to Wisconsin" and she didn't regret it but like, my older sister was completely devastated, and by that age, I myself was so desensitized to the constant instability that I was like "well yeah I don't mind moving again, we switch schools almost every single year or sometimes twice a year, do you really expect me to have any friends to even miss"

Like this developed over time. I didn't always feel this way about her. But as I've grown up, I've changed and she hasn't. She's still the exact same person. Even my father says she is literally the exact same person. It's like the thing with her moving my hairbrush out of the shower and never putting it back. I had to tell her over and over to stop even taking it out, that it's literally just a fucking hairbrush, stop taking it out of the shower where I keep it amd not putting it back and also it quite literally wasn't in her way in any way whatsoever, and she kept doing it, and there's only so many times you can "hey mom please don't do this" "mom please just put it back ok literally just put it back after you remove it" "ok I've asked you repeatedly can you stop touching my fucking hairbrush i need in the shower" until you snap and say "alright you STUPID CUNT if you do this one more time I'll remove YOUR things from the shower and I'll take them straight out to the dumpster" and THAT got her to finally stop

Like it's literally gotten to "you don't listen to me when I'm nice so why should I even waste my emotional energy pretending to be nice to you when i don't think you deserve it". "Why should I act nice to you when I feel so massively unsupported and drained and exploited by you"

Like she quite literally doesn't fucking listen, TO ANYONE. You can communicate clear as day with her and she'll still do whatever the fuck she wants. In the past my sister stopped even letting us into her apartment because my mom would start TOUCHING THINGS every single time we were there, like literally opening her fucking cabinets and touching her dishes and unloading her dishwasher, until my sister was basically screaming at her to stop and then it's "ugh Emily is so hysterical she doesn't take her medicine" like no you fucking dumbass you won't let her have agency over her own belongings in her own apartment after she moved out to literally run away from you and you're still doing it to her as an adult and she'll just look at how extremely upset you are "ugh I was just trying to help 🙄 you should think about how I FEEL"

She pushes and pushes and pushes and then when you snap and lose your patience with her, she goes straight for your fucking throat and acts like everything is your fault and she's just the blameless fucking saint. Sometimes I wonder if she is even capable of giving legitimate apologies because any time you bring anything up with her, no matter how valid you are, no matter how upset you are, she just Always responds with "im sorry but *laundry list of excuses*" or "no that's not what happened. You exaggerate. You need to be medicated." Or the favorite, classical deflection she always uses of "well what about when YOU--"

She will tell you every single day the exact same suggestion that you have already said no to. I was literally growing up in school and she'd constantly say "oh you're so smart, you could be a doctor" until I was telling her over and over "I DONT WANT TO and you make STRESSED OUT because it feels like you're trying to force me". Jesus fucking christ for example it literally makes my goddamn blood BOIL absolutely fucking BOIL that she still says "you should put highlights in your hair" when I've been telling her MY ENTIRE LIFE I DON'T WANT TO, I DONT WANT TO DYE MY HAIR, I DON'T WANT CHEMICALS AND BLEACHES, and she literally STILL SAYS IT like it's this kind of thing that makes me go "what would actually make you listen, fucking beating you like your ex husband? Are all these 'abusive relationships' you cry about and told us about when we were inappropriately young to try and squeeze sympathy out of us just you pushing people until they swing on you"

Like. I'm 26 years old and I feel like my own mother doesn't even try to understand me and i feel like if you asked her a list of personal questions about me that she'd gst most of them wrong. And I also feel like, and have felt like for a long time, that, well I guess to outright be cruel, the biggest reason she had kids was because literally no one liked her and i guess she thought children would have some sort of indentured love to her. She won't even like acknowledge i was an accidental pregnancy, she just deflects and says "no you're my miracle baby bc after I had you I found out I had endo-" "ok but mom you were not actively trying to be pregnant and you didn't like my father by the time I was born can you just at least say I was I unplanned, I'm not even saying it as you hating me, can you just acknowledge I was an unplanned pregnancy" "no :)"

I get absolutely no closure with her. Like. This might seem like an extreme comparison but the other day I was watching bodycam footage for the arrest of Joey McVay, a 10 year old who shot his mom. The story is all "oh his mom shot him because he got mad when he was asked to do chores" but then they dug a little deeper and asked the grandmother and the story was "oh this kid had a disability and his mom was actually a rude slob who worked him like a horse while also still treating him as defiant and incompetent and stupid and even being physically abusive and his house was a borderline dilapidated shack and he snapped and shot her because she made him feel literally worthless" and I was watching that thinking, wow that could have been me.

It's the constant like dehumanization she has pushed upon me while also expecting me to listen to her rant and rant and rant for years about her own problems. 'Sympathy for me but not for thee' kinda shit. I can't keep pouring from an empty cup bro? I can't give sympathy that's no longer there because it was sucked out of me like some kind of energy vampire

Ok but like exactly as I'm typing this my mom woke up and I mentioned to her how I'm trying to book with a dermatologist bc I'm having hair thinning and nail denting and I didn't want to be on the phone so I start trying to Google online, and then I end that topic and switch to , bringing up to her this personality disorder conversation, and she literally fucking interrupts me in the middle of my sentence "do you want me to make the call for you" and I just broke down sobbing because I'm sitting here reopening all my emotional wounds to write this post about how unheard I am and, there she goes doing it again, and now I'm refusing to speak to her because like, you didn't let me speak the first time, why should I waste my time saying it all again 🙃

I dont know. I guess it sounds mean but at this point she does it to herself. I've been worn down and demanded to care over and over while being ignored so now I have no sympathy. At this point its no longer "oh gosh I'm sorry that happened to you" and now it's "well what mistake did you make to fuck things up this time" which, in my defense, like, she does cause most of the problems in her life and my own. Like my god there was a period of time where we had just moved and we barely had any money I mean like financially struggling and she's like "oh I hate having all our canned goods on the floor, it just looks so GHETTO, I don't like it" and she ordered furniture off online and it. It literally. We've lived here for like two years and it still isn't fully assembled becuase she didn't read the instructions when she made it and refused to finish it without my help. Like we barely had money for rent and she wasted money on, a cabinet, because things not looking nice made her feel bad. And then in that same period of time she tried to order a dining room table that we have literally no room for, and I can't even tell you how many months ago she ordered a larger size glass enclosure for her bearded dragon and its been sitting in a box for literal months because. Uh. She expects me to help her assemble it and I told her straight up she shouldn't have even bought it if she won't even put together HER cage for HER pet which she takes poor care of, though I'm one to talk considering how little I've gotten to hold Louie

You just. Can't keep demanding sympathy and never giving it back? You can't raise your daughter constantly texting her instead of speaking to her for every little "oh I have a headache bring me a glass of water" to like the point there were periods of time she'd be lying in bed just shouting out for me instead of getting it herself and I'd barge into the room "it's just a glass of water your bedroom is literally next to the bathroom and we have neighbors, stop shouting you stupid bitch"

Like it gave me a COMPLEX. I've been sick and throwing up and refusing to take medicine and refusing any help from her because I grew up watching her pop pills for everything and argue with doctors and just constantly want help that I never saw returned the same way. She's on the couch next to me right now and she's trying to talk to me and I'm still so upset over being interrupted earlier I'm just popping earbuds in and pretending she isn't even here because the couch and her office chair are the only seats in this whole apartment which of course means she lives on it

Like maybe I could overcome my trauma and change with therapy. But mom? She'll argue with doctors. She'll argue with therapists. She'll like you and then you'll make the smallest slight against her and suddenly she wants nothing to do with you and has a laundry list of things she hates about you. She's a fair-weather mother and I'm sick of it. It's at the point where ant help or assistance or support or love she gives me almost doesn't even matter anymore because the constant mistakes and talking over me is still so constant that there's like a 70/30 hate to love ratio at this point.

I know that's a lot of text but, yeah I guess I can still keep certain disorders in mind but my mom is literally the only person I treat like this