#it's a weird and disconcerting experience

[vimbry-moved]

hm. hey how do you cure/alleviate a problem where you're able to inhale through your nose mostly ok, but exhaling is almost entirely blocked? it's been really messing up my sleep the past few nights bc I keep waking up having to mouth breathe/struggling to

[rotatedaxis]

so i went and saw julien baker on tuesday, and i am still so completely baffled by the lack of singing (as is every person i have spoken to about it) because damn am i used to hearing every other voice in the room as one, instead of one voice alone (unless of course it's a support or something unreleased, different circumstances, but this was the whole show). and now im just thinking about the absolute impact of silence at gigs. like, let's go bears in trees because that is what i know best at this point - they're my most seen artist and for a long time, pretty much the only thing i listened to. they had i'm doing push ups on the set in the past, right? and there's the lyric "we talk about it in the gaps in the silence" and people would nail the pause that followed, and the first time it happened, it utterly punched me in the chest. it was something else, and i loved it. and whenever they play push ups now, i look forward to it. and then there's another example, specific to a show i was at, not a song in particular. but, after they'd finished playing starting fires and not one person clapped or cheered. not because we hated it, no absolutely not. i think everyone just got a bit stuck in the moment, we laughed, clapped, and moved on to injured crow. and i just think about how it clearly had such an emotional impact on everyone in the room that we collectively forgot to do what audiences do. and that sort of thing, that power silence has at a gig in those two examples, are the sort of thing that makes silences (especially where they're unexpected) either magical or very disquieting. the silence at julien baker, to me anyway, felt uncomfortable and a bit stifling and hugely affected the emotional impact it had on me, unfortunately. i feed on the emotions of the people around me, especially at gigs, and hearing all of these other people connected and emotionally affected by the same thing, really amps up every part of the experience personally. and i don't think i realised how much i needed it until then. say, a support set is one thing, an unreleased song another, but when the headliner has a silent crowd? it's very different.

[seventh-district]

*puts a photo of me in between two random photos i took of the sky today, not because they go together whatsoever but simply so any poor soul that happens to scroll across this post won’t be jumpscared by one giant image of me taking up their entire dash* :)

also yes those are the Everything Stays shoes that i wear far too often and i thought about Moon and flustered my damn self when i was putting them on today and if you want to know why i thought of him specifically… well, you’re just gonna have to read Ch. 4 of ES when i post it on Thursday and you’ll find out 😊

[thus-wrote-mrs-zeppeli]

“Why are you like this sometimes…?”

Various jjba characters x reader: their difficult habits/traits

(Apparently this topic is entertaining to me so have some more lol)

Dating/married depending on character

Characters: Rohan Kishibe, Guido Mista, Bruno Bucciarati, Leone Abbacchio, Diego Brando, Gyro Zeppeli

Content: suggestive for Mista’s part, arguments, unintentional injury

Rohan Kishibe: It absolutely has to be the way he purposely tries to get reactions out of you for the sake of his artistic visions. It’s completely fine when it’s pleasant emotions he’s looking for, surprise gifts or sudden compliments so he can see what it does to your facial expressions, body language, and the way you talk. However, unpleasant emotions are what he really wishes to observe, and unfortunately for you he sees you as a perfect muse. He figures it’d be fine since you were partners.

However you don’t appreciate his random surprise actions that are meant to get a genuine reaction from you. It’s really irritating. You don’t need him essentially just bothering you for the sake of art.

And his weird beef with the local teenagers is really ridiculous. You wouldn’t miss hearing him complain about Josuke and his friends every other day.

Guido Mista: He wanted to move way, way, WAY too fast for your taste. He does Not have a lot of romantic relationship experience, and that became real obvious by how quickly he was expecting the two of you to get Real cozy with each other. Just a few weeks after dating and he’s legit expecting to sleep in the same bed as you, among other much too comfortable things for a couple that have only been together for three weeks.

You’re very flattered he’s so comfortable with you and eager to get more intimate so quickly, but he really needs to slow down a bit-

He gets that he’s in the wrong after you explain that you’re not ready to move so fast, and he profusely, genuinely apologizes for being so hasty. He’s honest with you about it, he’s not sure what he’s doing, and he was really eager to finally have someone he actually saw himself getting serious with and ended up moving too quickly.

Bruno Bucciarati: He’s the perfect man but if I Had to pick something for him…he’s so used to dealing with a group that is very familiar with his tough love and frequent yelling, so on rare occasions it slips his mind that he has to speak to you differently, more gently, than he has to with a group of hardened mafia boys. Every once in a while he’ll accidentally talk to you like you’re one of his team members, which can range from him saying something really weird, to something that sounds very cold and harsh.

It’s not a big deal once you have a deeper understanding of him, and appreciate that he’s one of the kindest men you know, and that icy demeanor is a necessary part of keeping everyone’s trust in him. But before you appreciated that, it was very disconcerting to be randomly subjected to this side of him, but he would always immediately apologize, and you’d quickly forget about it. As the two of you get more comfortable in your relationship you rarely have any issues with him accidentally losing his composure around you, and even when he does, you’re much more sympathetic.

Leone Abbacchio: He’s a bit of a slob, honestly, in the sense that he struggles to take care of himself and be considerate of you. It’s not on purpose either when he disregards your convenience…he’s just not used to sharing space with someone else, let alone someone he needs to be more sensitive and caring towards.

You especially notice after he moves in with you how he tends to be a bit of a mess. Silver hair in your bathroom sink and shower drain…occasionally you have to remind him to brush his teeth or change into something more comfortable before bed or take off his makeup or move to the bedroom before falling asleep. You’re surprised at how used he is to just passing out on the couch.

He acts grouchy about it sometimes, not used to being “nagged” into taking care of himself, but deep down he appreciates how much more comfortable his life is after having you around to remind him to do little things for himself.

Diego Brando: He’s very odd in general but the borderline unbearable habit has to be when he seemingly randomly starts sniffing you. And he’s INVASIVE about it too-completely in your personal space sniffing you up and down, his face in your chest, and then in the crook of your neck, and now he’s trying to sniff your breath-

DIO, PLEASE. PERSONAL SPACE.

Push him away and he’ll just sniff your hands and wrists instead.

And. He tends to get carried away in his physical affection when under the influence of Scary Monsters, so you might get bitten or scratched way too hard for it to be considered playful. And he has the audacity to act confused over why you’re yelping in pain from his touch, as if he’s not acting like an animal.

Gyro Zeppeli: You love him, you love him SO much but he is STUBBORN and has an attitude problem. Sometimes it’s like talking to a brick wall that can also argue back. Grown-ass man but when he doesn’t want to do something he’ll fight you on it like a child. Ex. He doesn’t want to go to your great aunt’s third wedding and he Definitely doesn’t want to put on another suit for it-wow you were close to whipping out the divorce threat after that argument-

This happens a lot…insanely loud and volatile arguments that make you sound like a couple that really shouldn’t be together, and you both say some pretty crazy things but that’s just the nature of your relationship. You both forget about it within a few hours and move on. You rarely ever actually hurt each other’s feelings, and even if you did you’re both not So stubborn that you won’t apologize if your relationship is actually on the line.

But still. As used as you are to his difficult moments, you could really do without the attitude and talkback on every little thing he didn’t want to deal with.

[delta-chan]

Thoughts about Dawntrail map six

Needless to say, very heavy spoilers beneath the read more!

I was initially a bit wary of Living Memory's telegraphed "reverse Ultima Thule" structure until I got the prompt that the scenery would be irreversibly altered at the first terminal. I panicked because like a lot of people I thought "oh nice, I'll come back here later for some nice gpose shots". That this beautiful place would have to be taken away for you to progress was almost incomprehensible to me and in that moment the genius of it clicked. It wasn't just a reverse spin on Ultima Thule's structure--it was a reverse spin that was going to back it up to an extreme.

The ephemerality of life is something FFXIV has touched on many times before, including as one of the chief themes of Endwalker. But while in Endwalker this was on a grand scale as a part of radical acceptance as a whole, Dawntrail's second half explores this idea in a more focused, intimate fashion. While the WoL has no one they are close to that they can engage with in an experience with like Erenville, Krile, and Wuk Lamat--they have the environment. And being that you're the person behind the WoL with an investment in that environment on some level the finality of moving forward hits you like a sack of bricks.

I spent a lot of time being kind of awed by this--it's a very, very solid gimmick. I sort of paused at the first prompt going "haha there's no way, right…?" before going "wait" and immediately setting out to take a bunch of quick shots. That place wasn't going to exist anymore, and I wanted a memory of it. That beautiful place--a painstakingly detailed and gorgeous bit of gpose bait if I've ever seen it--wasn't going to exist if I wanted to move on. It was… weird. I took so many nearly identical shots trying to get perfect ones because there was only ever going to be that moment. In the future there'll be new game plus. You might have alts. But in that moment, experiencing it for the first time... it's… really effective. Startlingly effective.

The fact that when I was watching the map introduction and thought about how Living Memory was an almost tailor-made gposing space (and let's face it probably is for exactly this reason) that I would have a lot of fun taking screenshots at later made me think about how many other people thought, are thinking, and will think the same thing not knowing that they're taking it for granted. Who would...? It's absurd. Why would the map be altered to such a degree that it'd be rendered gone all but in name...? It hasn't happened before. So why would it happen now? Why would it even come to mind?

And the thing is--even if someone warns you, even if you're spoiled, even if you have someone fly you from place to place--the terminals are still going to have to be shut down eventually if you want to move forward. You cannot keep it. Living memory is made to be seen once then destroyed by your own hand.

I mean--at the end of the MSQ I thought, perhaps naively, that Living Memory was going to be restored because the threat was resolved. I mean--everyone's gone. There's no need for the environment to stay gone as well, right...? I mean, they put so much loving detail into it!

Wrong.

In the immediacy of when I first finished Endwalker during its early access I wrote that I never wanted to return to Ultima Thule because it creeped me out. The map was emotionally fraught, and my first experience with it was being released into an incredibly dark map with a discordant soundtrack, jumping out of my seat at another player passing by. But returning to it for hunts and the Omicron quests I saw it for the vibrant, beautiful place that it was. It changed for the better and stayed that way.

In spite of how much I've talked up Living Memory's beauty and how much it inspires the drive to capture the moment before it leaves you, it's also far more disconcerting than Ultima Thule from the very beginning in an altogether different manner. Living Memory is something that you want to be that shouldn't be. Both in the context of the MSQ and as a map in general--you want to take screenshots, you want to linger, but the unchanging weather effect and languidly pleasant music begin to push against you if you stay too long.

When everything's said and done Living Memory becomes a featureless husk that now has natural changing weather. At night there are motes of light, golden remains of the once oppressive reminiscence. And in the background as if being piped from distant speakers, the languidly pleasant and slightly warped BGM echoing through the nothingness like an amusement park's PA system playing music for no one after closing for the last time.

It's something you didn't want that needs to be.

[ddarker-dreams]

watching a tv series you enjoy when yan chrollo's in the general vicinity is a dangerous gamble.

on one hand, you get the much needed mental reprieve from your subpar circumstances. throughout the episode's duration, you lose yourself in the narrative and reality fades into an insignificant blur. it might not bring about tangible change, but it makes your day to day more tolerable.

then chrollo slides in.

you expect him to interject unwanted commentary and ruin the viewing experience — he doesn't. he isn't just creepily staring at you for the 22 or 50 minutes either. chrollo might not laugh and cry at the writer's behest, but he's engaged. if the episode ends on a cliffhanger he'll share his theories for what happens next. it's annoying because he's so unfairly engaging. if you aren't mindful, you could easily sink hours into discussing the various characters and major plot points. he gives you insight you never would've thought of yourself, listens dutifully to your contributions and genuinely cares about getting your input.

it's disconcerting. you wish he'd just be weird and keep trying to touch your thighs or something so you could know it's all a means to an end. your every thought holds such significance to him and this causes a flurry of uncomfortable feelings.

[delirious-donna]

The Moments Before [Part Six]

"You will drink from her. We will find out together if there is any truth behind the old stories. This is not a request. It’s an order.”

story summary: Levi isn’t hungry, or so that’s what he claims. A vampire must drink to survive, and his sire refuses to let the man give up without trying every trick up his sleeve. When a new ‘donor’ appears, one who is different from all the rest, will Levi be able to keep resisting?

pairing: Levi Ackerman (vampire) x female reader (human)

warnings: hospital/medical setting (dream), implications of losing a parent, grief, fear of death, a lot of plotting for the story, vampire powerplay

note: the next chapter... yeah, it's gonna be a BIG one. Explosive to say the least, and expect very mature content. Whilst I'm here, let me thank all of those who have left comments or reblogged this story. 2024 has been a shitshow and writing has helped me stay sane. Thank you for indulging my hobby.

Part Five | Masterlist | Read on AO3 | Part Seven

“What made you want to try this line of work?”

The question sounded innocent enough, but you still peered curiously at Hange.

They were lying spread out on an antique couch that looked like it was due far from respect than what it was receiving. Your eyes narrowed on them, picking at their cuticles and swinging a barefoot over the back of said couch.

Trust was earned in your book. That was a lesson you had learned the hard way, and if you were to continue your service here then you needed to be mindful of what information you volunteered and to whom. Saying that, Hange had been nothing but friendly towards you, in fact, they were the first person to really talk to you.

Pleasantries were all well and good, but they wore thin very quickly. Hange had appeared in your life like a whirlwind, and despite the reservations you had promised yourself you would hold tight to, you found it all too easy to become a little more familiar with them.

“Well, the money is good,” you admitted slowly, cautiously.

Hange snorted and rolled their body, so they were looking at you properly, glasses perched low on their nose. “Girl, please. There has got to be more to it than the fat wad of cash Erwin handed you. I know—for a fact—that there are well paying jobs that are far less intrusive than this one. You had to move here for an indefinite period. That is not an easy decision to make for a quick buck, even if it is the big bucks.”

“It was a good enough answer when your boss interviewed me, and I use that word lightly, grilled would be far more accurate.”

Erwin had been very thorough in his line of questioning, even going as far as to ask for your family history going back six generations. You recalled him explaining with the most casual of shrugs and a soft, near disconcerting smile, that no vampire worth mentioning wanted to take blood from a potential relative. What a disturbing thought…

“Erwin and I do not think alike—at all—in any way, shape or form.” Hange snorted, amused that you would ever think them to be remotely similar. “Whilst he would absolutely know if you were lying…”

A thrill shot through your spine. Hange smiled, knowing that your heart rate had spiked at that very moment.

“As I was saying… he would know if you were lying, but sometimes we can tell the truth whilst not revealing everything. I enjoy picking holes in people. Consider yourself my latest project.”

Suddenly the gummy bears in your hand looked less appealing than before. Dropping the handful into your lap, you placed one on your tongue and sucked on it quietly. You had no interest in being a weird science experiment.

“C’mon,” Hange chided with a childlike whine.

They rolled right off the edge of the couch with an ungraceful thump and crawled on their knees towards the overstuffed chair you occupied, planting their chin on the arm. They reminded you of a puppy who had just been scolded.

“We’re friends, right? It’s not like I don’t trust you. I just wanna know. There’s a reason other than the money, isn’t there?”

If you didn’t already feel trapped, you certainly did now.

How on earth had you found yourself in the company of a vampire acting like a damn puppy so readily? They were meant to be these all-powerful beings and here was Hange acting like if you gave them the barest of crumbs, they would roll over to present their belly. It defied logic!

Pushing out a long, low breath, you straightened your back.

You could admit to certain things, you didn’t need to say it all. It wouldn’t be so bad for at least someone around here to know a little more about you. Your mind immediately flitted to Levi, cheeks flushing that you wanted that person to be him more than anyone else. He didn’t care. He wouldn’t care. That’s what you told yourself because the alternative was too dizzying.

“I definitely didn’t lie; money really is a major factor. My dad… he works too hard. He’s getting older now and he refuses to slow down even though I know—I can see—the toil it’s taking on him. I want him to retire whilst he still has a chance to live, to enjoy his golden years without having to worry that he won’t have enough money to pay the bills. Do you know how annoying it is to have a father who refuses to listen to reason?”

“I can imagine,” Hange replied, eyebrows raised, and you had the distinct impression that they were thinking of one such person who fit your description. You smiled in recognition. “I get that, but blood donor, really? Didn’t fancy a short stint of working as a high-end escort or something that doesn’t come with the iron deficiency and the headache of cranky vampires?”

This was the crux of your problem; vampires offered you the potential solution to another problem. A far more personal problem. It felt like your clock was ticking and the noise only grew louder and more deafening with each day that passed.

You blinked hard, shutting out the fluorescent strip lighting and the beeping monitors that never ceased their noise. Not even in those final moments, the sound of a flatlining heart monitor permanently scarred your memories.

That was not your future. It had been so much of your past that you damn well refused to give it any room in your future. Drastic times called for drastic measures. Weren’t you using them as much as they were using you? It was a fair trade, right?

“You’re right, it would have been easy to fall into escorting, if I could find a place reputable enough to ensure I wasn’t going to be taken advantage of, but I have a problem with getting close to people,” you said whilst looking down at your fuzzy yellow socks.

“How so? You seem just fine in being able to converse and I don’t sense any social anxiety in you, even when you’re the only human in the room. Plus, this job requires you to get close… I mean, it’s kinda necessary.” Hange sat back on their haunches, puzzlement evident in their features and their eyes dropping to your neck and back.

It felt like being under a microscope.

You shrugged, an attempt at nonchalance. “People die. I have a problem with that.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I’m fucked.”

“An understatement, dear.”

A chuckle left your lips, it grew into peals of laughter until you were clutching your stomach and bent over from the pain of them. Tears formed in the corners of your eyes, not yet falling, and you were quick to wipe them away as you fixed your watery stare on Hange.

You hadn’t lied, but again, you hadn’t disclosed everything.

“Any chance we can change the subject for now? I’m feeling suitably embarrassed,” you said with a hiccup.

Gratitude filled your chest when they nodded, solemn one moment then playful the next, moving on to regale you with tales of their younger years spent with Erwin and Levi.

~

“What’s the problem?” Erwin inquired, fatigue evident in his tone, and mirrored by the pinching motion at the bridge of his nose.

Levi wasn’t keen to be back in this office, but he knew that when it came to finding the answers he needed… Erwin would be key. There was only so much he could find out on his own.

He just needed to take care with his words, not something he was known for.

“Why her?”

The blond stilled, his piercing blue eyes locking with Levi’s. A smile unfurled—devilish and knowing. “There is something you aren’t telling me, Levi, but that’s okay. You’ll tell me in your own time, I have nothing but time, after all.”

“You’re not helping! Can you answer a question without turning it back on me or into some elaborate riddle that makes my head pound?” Levi all but growled.

“Fine,” he sighed. “You want to know why her… I don’t know if I can truly articulate my reasons, there was simply a feeling. She felt like someone you would like, for lack of a better word. That you wouldn’t steamroll over her and perhaps she could reach you where I have been unsuccessful.”

Erwin’s gaze turned thoughtful, the edges of his eyes softening into something akin to melancholy. Levi glanced away, not nearly ready to decipher any of the emotions flitting freely across his maker’s face.

“Do you remember those stories you used to tell us about blood singing?” Levi asked without further preamble.

“… yes. Of course. They are legends of sort; I don’t think there are many—if any—that believe the tales these days. Why do you ask?”

Levi looked at him now. Gray mercurial irises fixed steadily on those artic blue ones that never failed to leave him feeling as if Erwin was looking inside his head, rifling through his memories and thoughts as if it was his personal filing cabinet.

“Did it happen—”

Levi held up a hand, and for once, Erwin quieted.

“You say there is little to no one that believes it to be true, but what about you? Do you think meeting someone who’s blood sings to them is even possible? I hate to admit that I respect your opinion, and whilst I am neither confirming nor denying if it has happened, I want to hear your thoughts on the matter.”

Erwin sat back in his chair, elbows braced on the sturdy arms and his fingers steepled beneath his chin. His lips pursed. If Levi didn’t know any better, he would say his heart was racing, but he was too far into the starvation process for that to be true. He waited for what seemed like an eternity, fingers gripping tighter into his thighs to prevent himself from spitting and hissing, demanding an answer rather than this painfully prolonged silence.

“Well, my head says it was a foolish story concocted to soothe the newly turned, for those that disliked the idea of constantly taking blood from humans to sustain their existence. One person who was made for them, who could provide everything they needed and potentially be able to turn without it affecting their blood… who wouldn’t want that?”

For a moment, Levi thought that was his final thought, but Erwin surprised him by continuing after more than a beat or two of silence.

“My heart wants it to be true,” Erwin said with a solemn nod of his head. “For one it would mean more power to any vampire lucky enough to meet their blood singer…”

Levi scoffed at Erwin’s words but did not interject further, letting him continue despite the arch of his thick black eyebrow.

“Ultimately, our lives are lonely. We can be surrounded by our own kind, but true connections between vampires are rare and don’t often survive the difficulties that come with that type of relationship. I would be a fool not to want a slice of companionship that didn’t involve an element of wariness.”

Erwin sat forward, fixing Levi with a penetrating stare. “I am not above wanting to find the person destined to be mine and mine alone. Those blessed enough to encounter these… special people, they should not squander that gift.”

Goddammit.

He was right. That realisation grated down Levi’s nerves more than he thought it would. If all of this was correct, he really would be an idiot not to explore it further, but… was it the right thing to do? How would you take this news? Would you even believe him?

The thought that you were his perfect companion, the only person in this world who could sustain him indefinitely, even if turned, and would strengthen him in ways he did not yet comprehend, that was a lot to ask of anyone. A donor’s job was only ever meant to last a few months, maybe a year, but not for the rest of your life.

“I don’t like this,” he admitted quietly.

His hand clenched into a fist atop his lap, eyes concentrating on how the tendons and muscles flexed and shifted beneath his pale skin. “Who am I to condemn anyone’s live like that? No one would want to be tethered to me in such a way.”

“You forget your past lovers,” Erwin interjected calmly. “There was at least one of them who begged you for the chance of immortality. Was that not in an effort to stay with you?”

Levi bristled at the memory, at the ache that still found him all these decades later. “I was merely a means to an end, and you damn well know that. They were far more driven in ambitions than I realised until it was almost too late.”

“In any case, that is by the by. I must insist that you determine if your assumptions are correct. Yes, Levi, I am well aware that you think our newest donor is your blood singer despite the pitifully weak attempts at hiding that fact from me. I am not an idiot. Plus, it seems you might have intrigued Hange by letting it slip in some capacity to the little one.”

“What do you mean?” Levi demanded, his guard coming up in an instant. He did not want Hange poking their annoying nose into this business, they would be insufferable to say the least.

Laughter erupted from Erwin, far too boisterous for Levi’s liking. “Well, did you mention anything about blood singing to our guest? Maybe you didn’t mean to, or you hadn’t realised, but she asked Hange about it on the drive here after your first encounter. I had to pull that little tidbit from them, they were not happy about my means either.”

“I’ll bet,” Levi grumped. He was all too familiar with the exertion of power that Erwin had over him and the others made by his hands. Hange might be a pest at the best of times, but he hoped that the experience had not been too rough, especially given how precarious Erwin’s mood had been of late.

Standing, Levi brushed his palms over his thighs and moved towards the door. The action was mirrored by the much taller man, Erwin intercepting him without much effort.

Suddenly the air shifted. No longer was there a sense of familial warmth, more so it felt like the air had been sucked from the room. Oppressive and thick—the gesture did not go unnoticed.

“Now is not the time to be leaving, Levi.”

“Are you planning on stopping me if I try?” he asked, head cocked in curiosity of how far Erwin was willing to play his hand.

“I would rather not, but if needs must…”

The threat lingered; Levi could feel the first tendrils of power leaking from his sire and knew if push came to shove, he would be forced to bend the knee and remain if that was what was asked of him. He hated that power, that stupid connection that bound him to Erwin like an invisible ball and chain around his ankle. This was part of why he wanted to end it all, or so he tried to convince himself.

“If you were so set on ending your existence, why not have someone behead you or destroy your heart? Levi, I am sorry, but all I have viewed this ridiculous plot of yours is a temper tantrum. You will drink from her. We will find out together if there is any truth behind the old stories. This is not a request. It’s an order.”

The hairs on Levi’s arms and at the back of his neck stood up. Energy pulsed like lapping waves inside the room, they were coming faster and stronger with each ripple. Soon he would be forced to bow to the whims of his sire.

He could count on one hand the number of times this had played out. Erwin meant every word; his conviction would not be swayed. Should he continue to fight against it?

“Why?” he asked, voice hoarse with the effort of producing the single word.

“I have my reasons. Whether I decide to clue you into them will depend on how the next little while goes,” Erwin answered stiffly.

Levi found his gaze straying to the door. Not because he was still trying to leave, he could have shadowstepped if he didn’t know that Erwin would prevent it, but because there were voices on the other side.

Voices he recognised.

His heart lurched in his chest. Golden threads awakening to tighten around the withering organ.

You were coming.

~

“Does it hurt?”

It was amazing how childlike you sounded despite being in your early twenties, almost like it wasn’t your voice at all. Except… it was yours.

Your mother turned a weak smile in your direction, it didn’t reach her eyes—dulled with pain—and you knew the answer would be a lie. Not one borne of bad intention, quite the opposite, but it would be a deceit regardless.

“No, darling. I’m fine, more than fine when my girl is here with me.” She reached for you; her hand was thinner than you had ever known it, the skin near translucent to highlight the veins beneath and the fragile bones.

The comfort you should have felt from taking your mum’s hand didn’t manifest. There was no warmth, only an ice-cold hand wrapped delicately around yours. You worried that if she tried to squeeze your fingers, her bones might snap entirely.

The time was coming. There was nothing you could do to stop it. Doctors had tried and failed. Your mother would die and there wasn’t a single thing in this world you could do to prevent it.

It wasn’t long before the familiar lump settled into your throat, and welling of tears began in your eyes, smudging your vision whilst you tried desperately to blink them away. You could feel the frown creasing between your eyebrows, and the downward tilt of your lips. It didn’t matter how long you had known this would be the outcome; the hurt was still as raw as when the doctor had given his final prognosis.

Slowly, you crumpled over her bed. The bright overheard strip lighting might not be as intense in the private side room than in the main ward, but they still stung your eyes even when you closed them tightly shut.

If only the constant beeping from the monitors would fade away until all you could hear was your own laboured breathing and the soothing hum from your mum as she stroked her fingers through your hair in an effort to console you.

Your father should be here, and his absence only became apparent when three resounding knocks came from the door, with it a chill far greater swept over you until you were convinced you could see the very breath from your mouth.

Something wanted to come in, but it wasn’t time.

There was more to be said, more to be shared. More more more.

“You can’t ignore it forever,” your mum said quietly.

“Watch me.”

She made to tut, but her tongue got stuck behind her teeth and she coughed instead. You could hear the rattle in her chest, the exertion of her lungs working harder than they should have to.

The guilt ate you and another knock chimed like a death knell.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, lowering your head at the same moment her fingers slipped out of your grasp.

Your vision greyed from the outward corners in, and no matter how much you tried to blink and refocus or look around, the result didn’t change. The beeping was getting worse. There were people in the room now. A black shadow loomed from behind you and a scream ripped through your throat until you jolted awake.

Sweat dripped down your neck as you sat bolt upright, blinking and trying to reorient yourself once your heart thundered so furiously you thought it might break through your ribs.

You were in the same parlour room from earlier, where you had spent a fun few hours chatting with Hange and playing card games when they got bored of only telling stories. The walls were decorated in duck egg blue and the armchair you had fallen asleep on was as opulent as you recalled.

How long were you out?

Hange was nowhere to be seen, and suddenly, with dawn comprehension, the idea of sleeping in a room where anyone living or visiting the household could walk right in cooled your blood. You were nothing more than a naïve lamb in a den of lions.

It took you a good while to calm your racing heart and nerves, a good thing too or you might have screamed when the faraway door clicked loudly before opening just enough for Hange’s head to pop through.

Their eyes scanned the room then fell on you, eyebrows rising along with a smile. “You’re finally awake! It’s only been three hours… tired, were we?”

Three hours?!

“Something like that,” you grumbled, cheeks warming.

Hange chuckled and stepped inside to lean on the door. “Not wise to fall asleep anywhere other than your bedroom. Y’know, it locks for a reason. Gotta keep the monsters at bay somehow, right?”

“Oh, hey! I’m only teasing,” they continued when your pallor turned to ash. “No one would dare, not here, I swear it. Erwin would murder anyone that even thinks about hurting you.”

“That’s… comforting?” You mused, unclear if it was comforting or kind of terrifying to know. “I didn’t sleep great last night; I must have dozed off. I blame your lame ass stories.”

Hange scoffed, hands on hips and nostrils flaring.

“My stories are unrivalled, thank you very much! They sure as hell are more honest than anything you’d get out of Levi, that’s for damn certain. He’s such a stick in the mud.” Hange shook her head as if recalling some long distant memory then jerked up straight. “Nevermind that! You’re wanted!”

“I’m what?”

“Wanted,” they repeated as if that clearly explained everything, and they didn’t know why you needed clarity.

“I don’t speak Hange-euse, can you elaborate?”

“You. Are. Wanted. In. Erwin’s. Office. In. Exactly. Thirty. Minutes. Move!” Hange enthused each word carefully, over-enunciating every syllable dramatically. They motioned their hand between you and the door, gesturing for you to get a move on, but for a moment you were frozen.

Erwin wanted to see you again. You weren’t sure why it felt different from any of the other times you had met with him, especially over the past few days, but there was an air of something brewing that you disliked.

That ominous feeling from your dream resurged with gusto. Had it been some weird kind of warning or were you letting your paranoia overwhelm you? Whatever it was, you couldn’t dwell on it, not when you looked like you had been dragged backwards through a garden maze.

“Alright, I’m going. Don’t shove!”

Destiny awaited behind the mahogany door at the other side of the house. Whether it was good or bad…

That was entirely in your hands now.

[kn-1013]

see, i like the travis age regressor headcannon a lot, but people turn sal way too much into the world's most perfect caregiver, when i know damn well that guy can barely take care of himself, and would probably be taking care of travis to distract himself from his own problems. on top of that, due to the considerable amount of neglect that henry gave him particularly before nockfell, there's probably a significant amount of things that sal can technically do, but he's doing them wrong because nobody was there to teach him how to do them.

for example, things like: using too much detergent in the washing machine or washing whites with colors, throwing pizzas into the oven directly onto the pizza rack instead of on something more stable, chopping vegetables incorrectly or unsafely, using dish soap instead of shampoo, using metal mixing bowls or oven pans on the stove instead of proper pots and pans if none of the dishes are clean, even reusing somewhat dirty dishes at times, repairing clothes with incredibly janky sewing, wearing dirty clothes repeatedly, not taking proper care of cuts/bruises because he doesn't really know how, etc.

i think it'd provide a really interesting dynamic for the two of them if travis did know how to do these things properly, because despite his father being abusive, he still needs his kids to know how to take care of themselves somewhat. they all know how to cook, how to sew, how to operate the washing machine properly, how to take care of cuts/bruises, etc. this is not only more realistic to sal's life experiences and realistic to travis's probable experiences, it also provides a much more give and take kind of relationship between the two, where travis has to help sal take care of himself properly just as much as sal is taking care of him when he needs to regress.

it's also really funny to imagine travis deep in the throes of age regression, but immediately snaps the fuck out of it when he sees sal using a metal mixing bowl to make them both mac n cheese for lunch and he has to ask his babysitter what the actual fuck he's doing, or travis feeling a bit disconcerted at the fact that the fishers are currently using dish soap to wash themselves. ("so THAT'S why his hair is that weird texture...")

idk some food for thought on the travis agere headcannon.

[frozenjokes]

it is concerning me how aggressive the fandom is right now towards people expressing disappointment for pairings from either a preference perspective (just not enjoying a dynamic) or a character perspective (worried about their blorbos) on their own PERSONAL spaces i.e. NOT BEING AGGRESSIVE TOWARD CCs

there is a vast difference between someone going into Pearl’s comment section and saying something nasty on a space she is likely to see it and saying something negative about a group or characters on your tumblr blog even if the thing you’re saying isn’t constructive. You’re allowed to be invested in characters you care about. That is not a crime. Expressing negativity about the pairing of desert duo and/or being concerned about one or both characters BC they’re paired up is not. Attacking the CCs. You can also straight up dislike a pairing and say so and Not be policing the CCs on how they play minecraft with their friends. watching mutuals get attacked for having opinions (not even addressing ccs..) on a platform that is disconnected from CCs is extremely disconcerting and weird.

also if a cc is on tumblr and sees smth they don’t like. similar opinion to shipping. ignore it. block. whatever else. do what you need to do to curate your internet experience.

[sotwk]

Holiday updates!

Unfortunately, it looks like I wouldn't be able to deliver on my Yuletide in the Elvenking's Realm this Christmas season, as I had planned. Although I have been having a very merry (albeit hectic) holiday season offline with my family, my Tumblr experience since Thanksgiving has been rather bah-humbug.

I'm not sure why; my Moots are being lovely as usual, but overall the vibes are off. Perhaps it is a *me* issue. I feel oddly out-of-place and even rejected because I noticed a weird, sudden drop in my follower count (by like 10+)--which is possibly a site glitch, but it's disconcerting nonetheless. I know Follower count doesn't matter here, but you cannot truly care about your Followers as individuals without tracking how many there are, could you? And I do happen to care about each person that chooses to follow me; I'm not cool enough to pretend not to notice.

Anywayyyyy... on top of that humbug-ness, I have been experiencing crippling writer's block for weeks. It's not even that I cannot seem to write; I actually am hating my writing right now! And when I try to read my talented friends' fics for inspiration, I just feel more disappointed in my own (perceived) lack of skill. This is a normal feeling for a writer that happens to everyone occasionally, but it's pretty bad. If this type of writer burnout is allowed to fester, it's what often leads writers to quit. So I'm trying to be careful and gentle with myself and not push too hard.

I don't want to work on any of my precious WIPS when I'm in this kind of mood; the sourness would seep into my writing! Especially my Yuletide series, which is supposed to be filled with joy and hope! So alas, that would just have to wait another year.

But now for some positive news! My dear husband has bought me a new laptop for Christmas! He's a stickler for rules and tradition, so I can't open it until Christmas Day, but once I set it up, my sister can give me her gift--the Scrivener software!

I've decided to spend the rest of December taking it easy by not pushing myself to produce anything; instead I will just try to set myself up for a strong start to 2025 when I come back from my post-Christmas vacation (going on a road trip to see family). The new laptop and software should give me a little boost! :) And I gotta go learn how to use Scrivener now--lol!

I hope everyone reading this is having as good a Christmas season as possible. <3 This is the time of year when I truly wish everyone can experience joy and peace, whatever or however you celebrate. If there is anything at all that I can do to help you be merry, my Ask Box and DMs remain open. Please know that you are very loved.

One the flipside, if anyone would like to send some Christmas joy my way, please sign my Christmas tree (I saw some Mutuals doing this!) and/OR give my Yuletide series a try! Every little bit of cheer helps!

Yuletide in the Elvenking's Realm Series (Tumblr link)

[i-like-forcefem]

hey, how would you define forcefem? because I like the idea of being forced to look like a girl, but I still see myself as a dude internally so any sort of permanent changes I guess is kinda disconcerting to me. (sorry if this is kinda weird, its my first real ask on tumblr)

Mhm! I think forcefem has 2 big categories (with plenty of sub categories

1) Aimed at cuties who like the Gender Euphoria, the fantasy of someone turning you into the girl you always were, grabbing your head feeding you hrt, buying you a new wardrobe telling you you’re loved and beautiful, sometimes they do it with force, sometimes they only give a gentle nudge and you’ll start running

1 is wholesome :3

2) Is aimed at cuties who like the Humilation, the frilly dresses, the pink bows, the hard to walk in shoes, cuties who want to be a toy, someone to be made fun of, powerless and pretty and nothing more then a doll, degraded and praised for who they have been turned into, not a woman, a Girl

2 is hot! I personally prefer 2 in a kinky context, but I definitely love and value 1 a lot too!

(If you feel your tastes lie outside these 2 main categories please tell me!!! Or if you feel my definition is lacking for another way talk to me too!!! I want to understand forcefem and why people love it!!!)

Now for a simple definition you’d end up with something really broad: Forcefem is the kink or fantasy of being forced (by a person, government or anything out of the POV characters control) to become more feminine

Which kinda tells you nothing!

But establishing what people like in forcefem is a lot more useful! (To me at least)

Now going back to you anon: you’re in an interesting spot, I’ve got 3 suggestions

1) reflect on what specifically you like about forcefem, the humilation? The unconditional love? The loss of control? The cute outfits? Maybe make a list off all the forcefem stories and posts that really stuck with you, what do they have in common? What does being forced to be a girl mean to you? Why is it hot?

2) truly consider that you might be a girl! Maybe get some distance from kink for a little while! See how you feel if I call you anon a Cutie! You’re Good Girl for considering it right now

3) come talk to me more in DMs! I’m curious about your exact experience

[thestarseersystem]

I find it incredibly disconcerting with seeing people trying to gatekeep DID, like what are you, a cop? I understand wanting to be seen and heard in the DID community, especially since there's a wide range of trauma and experiences, but every system is different because everyone's experiences and perspective is different, everyone's trauma is handled in a way that is unique to them.

With that in mind, I hope you guys realize that DID is not build off of severe trauma, but prolonged and/or repeated trauma. It is the case all the way through. You do not need something more or less severe, but it has to have happened over a period of time in childhood. So comparing yourselves to those who use terms such as "complex DID" or otherwise, is stupid and gets you nowhere.

As someone who does identify with and use the label of "C-DID" or "polyfragmented", I want you to know, it's not because I have had a more severe experience, but my theory is that I've had a deeply unstable experience. My theory is that because coping mechanisms kept failing repeatedly, that is why my system became more complex, to cope with not being able to cope in a way that I could before. So instead of it necessarily being severe trauma, I feel that I developed polyfragmented DID, because I had no stability in reality nor myself, so my system is build on finding stability in any way I can. And I just simply collect alters, many of them are introjected from shows or media that I consume, and they help me stay connected to something that is a constant or is safe for me.

I'm not saying a system without polyfragmentation cannot experience something similar, but I think systems like me deserve a space in this community, we're not "too weird" or "too much", we're not making this community harder for anyone else. Trying to erase us or diminish us or gatekeep us out of the community is just really stupid and won't solve anything.

I came into this community in 2019, always knowing I was an unconventional system. Whether it be the lack of generalized amnesia or seemingly very little switching amnesia, or like the fact that what I was never seemed to line up with the systems I saw in youtube videos or in movies or online as a whole. I knew I wasn't overt nor was I completely covert. But I let my voice be heard and made my own sideblog about this stuff. And some people stayed and listened.

So no matter what, you're not shoving us out of the community just because we're "weird" systems, don't erase us just because we're not the type of systems you read in textbooks. We're here to stay, regardless of your own feelings. If you are really looking for reassurance, stop punching down at strangers you know nothing about. Because every system is different, you won't completely align with everyone and that's okay, it should be okay. And if it isn't, you need to get your head out of your ass.

[lakesbian]

“We’re all idiots, when it comes to first romances,” Helen said. Every head present turned to face her, a little caught off guard at the profound statement, coming from Helen of all people. “Speaking from experience, Helen?” Jamie asked, very carefully. “Nope!  No romance here, and there never will be.  Instead, I get the-” “Stop,” I said, putting my hands out to mash her mouth shut, both of my palms pressing against the lower half of her face.  “No.  Don’t finish that statement.” Her eyebrows furrowed into a frown. “Because it’s going to be weird and disconcerting,” I told her.  “Let the rest of us live in ignorance.” She nodded.

NOOOOOOOOOO STOP LET HER SPEAK I HATE YOU DONT SILENCE HER. LET HER SPEAK I WANT TO HEAR

[kagoutiss]

I kind of love how you have all these interesting hcs for Ganondorf like animals loving him, his weird dynamic with Sheik, the approval he seeks from his mothers etc. while at the same time being like “he’s a horrible gremlin and bloodthirsty and no one would want to stay near him”. I feel like it really captures how absurd and chaotic he is. Thank you for your service.

oh…im holding this ask very gently…..this means a lot to me because like!! yeah all these things are sort of true to me and i feel like he’s one of those characters where the more you dissect him, the more discordant things you find, and yet they all somehow intertwine in a way that makes him compelling and whole :-) retroactively putting a warning here that i ended up talking a lot and going pretty off-track but. like,,, one of the main roots of his absurdity to me is that he just has these fundamental problems with connecting with people (outside of clever manipulation, which he is good at), which are very effective at driving people away, even when he genuinely loves them, and i think he does this thing constantly where he wants people to despise him and he wants people to think the worst of him, because he is so much more comfortable with that than just? learning how to actually differentiate between love & hatred? and to not immediately feel threatened by gestures of love as some kind of deception, because he probably can’t quite make out the difference? despite having such a high level of emotional intelligence otherwise? and this primarily ties in with the idea that the biggest most terrifying enemy he has ever known in his entire life has been the neighboring kingdom, which professes to be the epitome of love & light & benevolence while at the same time committing the most egregious hateful bloody acts of cruelty in the darkest recesses of kakariko’s catacombs

and like. i think all of his formative experiences have still led to him being fully capable of things like feeling love, but also consequently not having the faintest idea of what the definition of that actually is, or how it works, or how to relate to someone you care about without just projecting all your own experiences onto them, or communicating your affection in ways other than just. being mean. and him purposely antagonizing people who do love him and are kind to him is a kneejerk reaction that he might not even realize is nonsensical, just a way of avoiding the most fundamentally disconcerting thing he knows, which is the ambiguity of something that claims to be kind or good. and so i think he‘d find a weird comfort in things that either don’t have that ambiguity, or subvert it entirely

like animals! who are far less capable of deception, or monsters, who like him, are deemed inherently evil. or spirits, who shouldn’t technically even be bound by the concepts of good & evil, even less applicable to wayward souls than to living beings. above all other humans though, he is definitely closest to his surrogate mothers, who supposedly are the true highest authorities of the gerudo tribe, and who treat him more like a deity than a son, and might moreso love the idea of what they want him to be, rather than the person he is. and he is in fact mortal, and a human being, and extremely flawed, and prone to recklessness under stress, and makes silly mistakes, and is emotionally unstable, with an attention span that doesn’t actually seem particularly well-suited to politics or government. and i accidentally wrote way too much in one sitting again, but.

but yeah, he’s like. my point is he is so full of things. he is completely absurd and chaotic and yet also i think there are recognizable patterns in what he does, if you think about him way too hard for way too long. he’s an infuriating swiss watch of a person that functions with seemingly inexplicable precision, but is made to say rude things to you instead of showing you the time, and yet you can’t really judge him too harshly after making the difficult effort of trying to understand him, because it becomes more & more evident that. that’s just. the way he is. that that’s the inevitable way that he came together, entirely due to circumstance. he’s a reflection of the completely nonsensical universe that he lives in, an antagonist since the day he was born, defined as such by the world’s Inherently Good Authorities, who are themselves objectively guilty of mass kidnapping, torture, murder, displacement and genocide, and yet are still, by the immutable definitions of these words as they’ve established them, Good. and i NEED to go to bed but yeah i love him for being a horrible insufferable bitch, actually, because it’s meaningful in and of itself, and i love him for not being normal, and having unmanageable fears of inadequacy, and mommy issues, and ADHD and autism, and for bullying teenagers, and being more fond of monsters & parasites than people, and literally using his emotions as a weapon, and referring to himself as king of every evil thing in existence, and almost never bothering to explain his actual motivations to people who he knows have already decided that he is the crux of all the world’s problems, because he’s fully internalized that trying to be understood by anyone at all is completely pointless. wife material

[cobra-creampuff]

okay so. jamie has a "don't get along very well because they're too similar" vibe going on with both beard and nate.

with beard because of certain past experiences and certain behavioral responses to them and related similar attachment styles and also there's some tension because one of them is a self-hater about All That and at once hates the other guy too by default and is envious that he doesn't also hate himself but i'm not naming names it could definitely totally be either one haha [smiling with sweat drop emoji].

with nate because they are both so autism. and they're not like opposing autistic traits guys, like sensory-seeking vs easily overstimulated etc, but just because they are both either undiagnosed or misdiagnosed but very very aware that they are Different than their other peers, and being around each other - especially in any not very strictly professional capacity - the Sameness in them is really highlighted and it makes them both almost like. disconcerted, the way you'd get in a really gnarly hall of mirrors. and like neither of them is like ashamed necessarily, but they do both prefer, i think maybe a lot like colin not wanting to be a spokesperson or rebecca not wanting to go to the superleague meeting because she knew she was only invited because she's a woman, they prefer if it's allowed to just be a not particularly notable facet to their whole personality and not something other people can point at and go hm that guy checks these autism boxes or whatever, you get me? so when they're together and they are reflecting/magnifying each other via their similarities, in addition to the hall of mirrors feeling, they also get kinda self-conscious, because then jamie can't just be like oh i'm like this because i'm so quirky and beautiful and nate can't just be like i'm like this because i'm such a genius bc their attention (and everyone else's, they fear) becomes more drawn to the This that they're Like as a connected set of traits instead of as separate little pieces of their wholes.

so basically, jamie and beard and nate all really Get each other on certain particular levels that nobody else really does, and they all empathize with each other in specific ways, and they are all willing to back each other up or stick their necks out for each other (post-s3 when beard and nate are no longer trying to be in fucking highlander where There Can Be Only One and they need to fucking behead the other two - not to say jamie was handling them any better circa s1, he just needed at least one of them around to patsy for him hgjsklw), but beard-jamie and nate-jamie absolutely cannot like Hang Out or make actual friends with each other.

and beard has a "get along great because they're so similar" vibe with both bumbercatch and keeley (who, once they get to know each other better through beard, also have that with each other), and also of course with roy, who in turn has that with rebecca. and nate has that vibe with colin, and once he stops feeling Weird about when he kissed her he has it with keeley too.

and beard has a sort of semi-onesided/deep but distant adoration of sam where he just really likes to be around him because he's just so great, and also maybe kind of reminds him a little bit of ted and his presence can help beard not feel like he's suffering more than jesus from missing the (straight) bestie (who was an Almost QPP but now is really "just" the bestie) so so so bad every second he's alive lmao. and nate has an also mostly onesided but more utilitarian relationship of sam where he'll plant himself within vibes range of him so that he can absorb some of his positivity and openness, as a way to reenforce to himself that See! you can be generous and nice and emotionally available without getting hurt, Look! It's Really Possible! Don't!! Be A Prickish Cocky Wounded Butterfly!!!

and beard has that utilitarian vibe, but eventually more requited, vibe with jan mass. when he needs a Lesson or a reality check and nate or higgins is being too understanding and sympathetic with him, and rebecca is being too "go ahead and keep fucking around, but if you do you're gonna find out" type of permissive, and roy either needs the same lesson/check or is worse or just doesn't know how to talk about it, and ted is too far away to impart his wisdom effectively or wouldn't Get the issue well enough to speak on it at all, beard will go to jan and give him a spoken bulletpoint list of the sitch and jan will tell him exactly and precisely How It Is equally as efficiently. and in the inverse, after beard doing that with him enough to count as a pattern, jan maas will go to beard when someone is behaving in a contradictory/hypocritical/counterintiutive manner and beard will explain to him a few possible reasons one might be a bit insane in that situation (dr sharon would of course be much a more reliable source on this topic, but it would be unethical to ask her since the people being discussed would frequently be her other patients).

MEANWHILE. beard and nate have BOTH a "don't get along very well because they're too similar" AND a "get along great because they're so similar" vibe with each other going on at the same time. they have the parallel backstory and reaction to that beard has with jamie (and honestly nate kind of has this with jamie too, but nate isn't ready to acknowledge that and neither was the narrative and neither are most of y'all lol. cough.) and therefore the same deep understanding and relation to each other. and they in fact actually both have self-haterism about it, which at times results in hate of the self through the other but at times results in a particularly poignant flavor of empathy+compassion. plus beard feels he has like a duty to Honor what ted did for him, and nate feels the same duty to honor beard (and ted). so in effect they end up with a similar kind of dynamic to siblings, where truly no one else will ever Know them this way up to and including most of their actual relatives, romantic partners, best friends, etc, and no one else will ever love or hate them with the depth and intensity that they love and hate each other (and themselves), no one else will ever be capable of healing and hurting them as well as they can heal and hurt each other, and they will never ever ever ever not pick up the phone when the other calls even if someday they've not been on speaking terms for thirty years, and all of this will never ever in their whole entire lives ever change no matter fucking what - it's all utterly unconditional and will only die when both of them do.

which is almost like what beard has and will always have with ted, and is maybe also almost like something nate could have had with ted too if they hadn't both fucked that. BUT. with one tiny little difference that makes so very much difference. nate is only straight-ish. if they keep things good, they will grow into Actual QPPs.

and even if beard by that point hasn't already had the growth and fortitude to leave jane yet, he will kind of like Have to then because unlike with ted there won't be any rationalization like "well we're Just Friends so maybe she's right and i really shouldn't be prioritizing him so much". like tbh i didn't hate the beardjane endgame as much as it seems most people did because i could kind of See It that they were headed in a better direction/jane was shown to have the potential and interest to become a healthier partner. BUT. to be honest i don't think she would ever not be at least a little possessive, and beard having a full fledged Life Partner other than her would be a dealbreaker for her, and i also kind of think that it would be something she would backslide on, so best case scenario they would have to have a mutual breakup where beard lays out that having to change his dynamic with nate is a dealbreaker for him + that having this type of dynamic is part of who he is and jane lays out that not being able to have complete, fully-enclosed romantic/emotional monogamy is a dealbreaker for her + that's part of who she is, and they would unfortunately have to use all the recovery and mutual self-improvement they did to come to the conclusion that they ultimately aren't compatible and need to get a divorce.

and beardnate probably wouldn't have had like an official sit down and talk about it and lay out what our dynamic actually is and what we want it to be Defining The Relationship conversation yet then, but after having the dtr as over talk with jane beard would probably once again firmly but kindly (via an extensively rehearsed script) tell himself sometimes we have to do things we don't like and would set up a Meeting with nate to do it. and probably neither of them would use the "right" vocabulary to describe and define what they are, but they would map out the parameters and turn it into something that they're doing with intent.

jade, unlike jane, would've the whole time been like well you guys are deeply fucking weird about each other but it doesn't affect me at all and i like it when my boyfriend who i love is happy so whatever man. and then after nate sat her down to their own Talk and explained actually yeah babe we are this very particular type of weird about each other and we have explicitly agreed to start being that weird on purpose and, like, commitment - and he wouldn't at any point think she'd breakup with him but like you can't help but be nervous anyway, you know - she'd be like. okay well i guess you're weirder about each other than i thought but actually that's kind of cool and regardless it still doesn't affect me and i like it when you're happy so. whatever man.

and actually, it turns out it does affect jade but only in good ways, because she doesn't really want to ever get Real Married and she doesn't want kids, but with beard in the picture nate can have a little ceremony with both or neither of them depending on whatever his own preference is, jade and nate can do a non-legal common law type of thing, and beard and nate can do a civil union type of thing if they want to (or maybe by that point in The Future, the uk will recognize multi-partner and concurrent marriages, and then natejade can do a legally recognized common law marriage and beardnate can fully get married, or you know we can just pretend it's already like that since it's fiction and there also was no covid and club academy kids board and etc, anything is possible), and nate can co-parent beardjane's kids + can be legally declared godparent/the next next-of-kin after beard and jane (jane would be a liiiittle bothered by this too but not nearly as much as having to share her husband, not enough to actually take issue with it).

the post is so much longer and went so many more places than i intended it to, so now once again i don't know how to end it. here. here is the post. thank you.

[auncyen]

what are your thoughts on the group’s view (i think specifically mirabelle and bonnie mention this in their messed up friendship events) on siffrin being “so mysterious” and “always acting like they know better”? Cause it seemed like a small grievance they’ve had for a while that was (rightly) exacerbated by sif being a prick during those convos.

I'm going to be honest I don't remember Bonnie saying anything about Siffrin being mysterious (at least not as something they're mad about) so as far as I know this is a Mirabelle view only.

tbh I feel like why Mirabelle saw Siffrin like this pre-game was pretty well explained by an interaction in SASASA and I'm currently blanking on if it, or at least similar dialogue, got into ISAT. She says in it how she was disconcerted by them acting like they didn't care, not exactly in a mean way, but like going to fight the King was no more serious than doing laundry, and that after they lost their eye protecting one of them she realized they were earnest about the journey as well. I honestly don't remember if Mirabelle still has a dialogue like that in ISAT but ISAT definitely still has the elements for her to have had that perception, with Siffrin just being like "well everyone else has these great reasons for being here. me? I'm just here because I've got nothing else to do" and being so afraid of showing how attached they are to the others that they try asking everyone what they're going to do post-King but give a joking answer every time the question is turned back to him. Siffrin is not forthcoming about their emotions and has also been. perpetually traveling ever since the trauma, so I imagine they've never really had people close enough to tell them what kind of impression he makes until he joins the group, so no wonder Mirabelle ends up with a weird impression of him!

Odile is older and seems to have Siffrin somewhat figured out just because of experience (she tells him to try letting down his walls so she's got it right that it's more a defensive thing than acting superior) and Isabeau both has a great deal of emotional intelligence and just. seems to have clicked well with Siffrin off the bat in a way Mirabelle didn't because of simple differences in personality. Bonnie's mad at Siffrin already for their own reasons. As far as I'm aware the "Siffrin acts superior" thing is totally a Mirabelle perception but it makes sense in that like. while the party as a whole is pretty in touch with feelings, the party can't get EVERYTHING right emotionally or there wouldn't have been a game to begin with. This is just what happens to be the barrier of sorts between Mirabelle and Siffrin, because in the end, she wants to keep traveling with him too, so why didn't she just ask? Because she thought he'd be disinterested, because he's this cool, mysterious traveler with so much "experience", so worldly, and oh change she just had the entirely wrong idea what was going on inside that sleepy head of theirs.

I find it interesting you're asking me about this though because to me Mirabelle going off about this in act 5 was honestly kind of a bummer about the Mirabelle & Siffrin friendship for me on my first playthrough. (This is all going under a cut because it's tangential.)

Especially after act 4 dialogue makes it clear she still remembers Siffrin saying they're the happiest they've ever been on this journey, after having lost their eye to protect Bonnie, and that she takes his answer seriously, it was a little 'wait, how can she doubt so quickly that Siffrin cares?' And I still wonder if maybe I'd like the act 5 Mirabelle scene more if Siffrin was deliberately being callous like he is with Odile and Isabeau rather than accidentally saying the wrong thing. (I mean he is being a prick in that he's trying to rush an emotional conversation, it's not the nicest thing to do. But he wasn't trying to insult her and as soon as he realizes he's upset her he tries to explain that he said it wrong, but she cuts him off.) But in the end:

act 4 Mirabelle remembers that conversation so act 5 Mirabelle should too, but act 4 Mirabelle also says that after having the bonding experience of trawling the final dungeon, eating snacks together, and kicking the King's crabbing butt. (and it may or may not be family run dependent too if she says it? I forget. I usually did family runs once available even if they were the cheaty speed ones.) act 5 Mirabelle didn't get to have those moments.

act 5 Mirabelle has also been hearing from the villagers that Siffrin's acting weird in ways that confirm the "acting mysterious and like they know better" characterization. They're actually just slowly burning their last brain cell but you know. when they won't admit it. how is she supposed to know.

act 5 Mirabelle has also had a friend say something super upsetting to her that is pretty 'why would you say that', 'was I totally wrong about our friendship', she pretty much says right in the dialogue that she'd decided on more innocent explanations for Siffrin's quirks that initially rubbed her wrong (like the teasing! She probably didn't like that at first and probably had to convince herself that they were just one of the people that bonded by teasing, not teasing to be mean) but yeah with her hearing from villagers that Siffrin's acting in this way and him saying such a cruel thing to her seemingly unprovoked it makes sense that when all the little things about Siffrin get tossed up in her head, they, for the moment, land on "they're a jerk".

and in the end she goes after them, is the one to unfreeze them (not like anyone else could have done it, but still) she DOES see him as a friend. She's just. still reserving the right to be mad about what he said. Which considering what was said and that they said it because they were trying to rush through a conversation important to her, y'know, FAIR.

...Anyway I had to get that out. again. TANGENTIAL.