#it'll be up later tonight
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Me, writing a fic where Techno falls down the stairs and breaks his arm: "Ah, I love flufftober"
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I am still planning on posting matches today, however it may not be achievable just because of how long it takes and I wasn't able to sort any of it last night like I typically would
if I can't manage it I'll hopefully do a double set of matches at some point to get back on schedule
#I just have quite a bit I need to do today#I'm home for the weekend for my grandads' birthdays#so yesterday was train journeying after which I was beat#doing birthday stuff for them this morning#and then this afternoon I've promised to get a could 12 yearolds who've only seen (most of) series 1#caught up for the episode tonight#plus I'm exec on my unis doctor who society#and Im in charge of our social media and just agreed to post stuff reminding and clarifying about our screening of the new episode tonight#plus I want to watch the episode obviously#plus don't want to post it to late in the evening#because it'll push the other days later and later
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anyway. enough about that. it's thursday so i have to socialize tonight and i'm like -_- not again
#idk what activity or event is even happening tonight cuz it doesn't say in the discord#so idk how to prepare myself psychologically#but i'm . blegh.#idk maybe it'll be fun. but i do not feel even one ounce of fun in my body rn.#gonna rock up with the bare fucking minimum today. I Guess.#idk i got like 8 hours to get my act together. maybe i'll feel better later. (press x to doubt)#izzy.txt
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#right i forgot the worst part about being at my parents house#the malnutrition#of what i can eat in the fridge we have a variety of sauces and jams and in the pantry there is flour and salt#and my mother just informed me that we're not going grocery shopping for at least a week maybe two in order to 'use up what we have'#that is NOT the reason i can guarantee it#she's doing this because she thinks it'll help her lose weight#you'd think after 35 years of yoyo dieting she'd figure out that starving and under nourishing yourself actually is bad for your health#it's not like i'm great at taking care of myself either but at least i get my food groups#i'm just so frustrated because i can't afford to leave#but being here is so disasterous not just for my mental health but my physical health as well#and also i've actually put ON weight being here because since we have like no real food in the house all i have to eat really are pancakes#which are calorically dense but nutritionally void and because i'm not getting any nutrients i'm always hungry#i think i'll just go to the shops later tonight or tomorrow and get food just for myself#if she wants to 'use up what we have' she can but i'm not doing that i'm just not#but also that's also annoying cause i have no current income and also i'm not allowed to drive so i'll have to get my bro to take me#which is a whole thing in of itself and i just grrrr#personal#vent
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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Books of 2024: THE NIGHT by Rodrigo Blanco Calderón.
So it turns out I've been doubling this title In Error--despite the reflected text on BOTH the cover AND the spine, it's just "The Night," and not THE NIGHT, THE NIGHT, which is what I'd been calling it. (Oops.)
Anyway! This came in a translation subscription box last year (it's translated from Spanish; the author is Venezuelan). The back cover says, "The Night is about palindromes and murderers, anagrams and social chaos, how words work and countries break down," which is fascinating (and I'm always here for wordplay!).
#books of 2024#book photography#my photography#the night#rodrigo blanco calderon#the night the night#(to find them all later lmaoo)#anyway! not something i would've picked up on my own! by virtue of it's not a genre i usually shop#so i'm excited that it was curated for me because it does look supremely cool actually#and i do love little indie presses honestly#the paper quality is just. so much better. than the big 5/4 publishers lmaooo#it is a Substantial Book To Hold#i will not be annihilating this in one business day though#i'm hoping it'll take me til the weekend at least#(and then i can do wayward kid in one weekend sitting)#i need NOT to be up too late past my bedtime reading tonight#i have been enjoying the hell out of these translations though#do recommend
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When Khare's mutation advances to the point that it can no longer be hidden, she will straight up vanish off the face of the earth, quitting her job at Pauli's Diner with a quick phonecall before abandoning her apartment in the dead of night. Everything she owns will be left behind in a hurry, other than the few items that could identify her which will promptly be destroyed and dumped into Gotham Bay before she heads deep into the sewers, only daring to venture out on rare occasions for the things she needs until she can no longer pretend she's even human.
#🌈 || musings#body horror tw#body horror cw#This is pretty much what'll happen at some point asdfghjkl#Barring she somehow obtains a cure or her body is able to regain genetic stability#She'll get sicker and sicker as the mutation advances and THEN it'll start looking obvious#Hair falling out in clumps as eyes begin sprouting on her face#At that point she'll just quit Pauli's Diner and disappear#Won't go back into the wilderness though#She'll head somewhere deep where few can find her#Scribbling away in her journal until she forgets how to write#:x#Just a thought that popped into mind while at work tonight#Because Khare can't hide her mutation forever#Right now it's only affecting injuries and the main core of her body but#Sooner or later it'll start showing on her face and that's it#Fucking Gollum-ass bitch creeping out during the middle of the night all covered up to hide her fucked-up J'avo looks#Feeling a teensy bit better let's see what I can do on my day off in the morning
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good morning!! <3
#89% on the northern region; like 23% on the southern one#didn't get to do as much bc of the lantern rite quest#and it'll likely be the same today bc I'll need to divide out time to start penacony and everything#but both will be 100% eventually! :3#oh yeah#it's 'nari & i's anniversary so i'll probably go find some art to reblog & post a fic later tonight :3#...also tempted to add a new f/o bc i finally came up with the tag for him#maybe later tonight once i've posted the other fic or something#but we'll see#anyways#today will be a little busy (so many games so little time + real life stuff to do)#but i hope you'll have a good day/night!! <3#morning rambles
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note to self don't leave editing to the last minjte
#lina talks#nas#f in the chat I was going to post worn-out soles at 10pm today but that's not happening#just editing one part took half an hour#I'm only on part two#it'll still go up tonight just a bit later ig
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i lied it's actually 48. 48 is still an awkward number to make work on a bracket but i think i've figured out something that's fair enough
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It might have taken me months longer than planned, anyone who was interested in it, has probably lost interest, and it turned into a lot more angsty than originally intended, BUT, I did it, I actually finally finished The Ear Infection Fic™️
So look out world, it's going to be coming in hot as soon as I reread it a few times.
#allylikethecat#fanfiction#matty healy rpf#the 1975 rpf#matty healy fanfiction#fanfic#I know the sound#ear infection fic#idk if people care anymore#but im so happy i finished it omfg#and i cant wait to post it#i just hope that at least one person enjoys it#so if that person is you please comment when its on ao3 and tell me that#it'll either be up later tonight or tomorrow#depends on how much of my shit i get together#but shes done!#all 9k of her#thank you so much to anyone who reads it#and anyone and everyone that sent it asks about it#i did this for yall and im sorry i was so slow about it#i really hope you like it
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tfw I find out that some problematic behaviours, thoughts, and urges I experience when in a stressful/triggering situation are actually considered black and white thinking
hmm. interesting. I wasn't aware that that's what I'm doing.
#stuck in ig reels and there are A BUNCH of way too relatable things on there tonight#like the bit about criticism and how the person in the video rejects AND internalises it at the same time#and it's like different versions of her fighting over which feeling wins out in the end and it's a constant struggle#LIKE THAT'S ME THAT'S ME I DO THAT#also with the internalising bit: still stuck on the last serious talk i had with my boss#and whenever i get a reminder of the situation and the issues she brought up i wanna die SO BAD.#like wanna be shot wanna have my throat sliced up wanna get my lights knocked out wanna jump into traffic type of wanna die#and i still have that stupidly persistent feeling of dread whenever i think about work and facing my boss#because i feel so stupid and unworthy and like everyone hates my existence and how i should be fired and killed immediately#over something relatively minor. BUT MY BRAIN IS MAKING IT A BIG ISSUE. EVEN 2 WEEKS LATER.#when will the suicidal feelings over this thing pass lol#like. I've been stuck in this mode ever since the conversation. and idk how to get out#if i don't blast my brain with 3 different types of distraction i remember how awful i am and feel the need to be killed on the spot#forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. i feel like i need to be punished. to be killed. but it's not happening and that has me on edge#Like I NEED TO BE PUNISHED FOR MY SINS. SLAP ME PUNCH ME STAB ME SHOOT ME KILL ME!!!!!!!!!#and the infernal urge to run away change my name and appearance and start new. radical clean slate style#get this urge whenever i make a mistake or someone's unhappy with me and my behaviour etc.#like the urge to completely change myself and become a different person entirely and get as far away from my usual environment as possible#so i can stop harming everyone and everything around me by somply being the stupid flawed callous creature i am#because no matter how hard i try to be authentically me in harmless ways it always ends up backfiring and hurting people#and maybe if i change EVERYTHING about me and try to be so radically opposite of what i am maybe then it'll all be okay for once#not let people close don't interact too much just keep to myself to keep others save idk......
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man
#i want to cry to someone everything sucks#normally it's fine that im never happy just living studying but kt gets so hard when im on my period#idk if it's real or if im making it up but i genuinely feel like crying for no reason#if i was at home i would lay down on my couch and eat a lot of unhealthy favorite food and my mom would talk to me about#some soap opera and i would only half listen and it would be okay#but here toh fr i feel like ill start crying in front of my dad if he keeps ignoring me to work or look at his phone#i don't even know what i used to do to make myself happy and god that's scary. i don't want to sink into sadness again#i know i should talk to my friend but why am i so scared. like every night i think ill do it tonight but then i just chicken out and go to#sleep. it's crazy whenever i do talk to her aftera lot of time i feel instantly better and i berate myself for not having done it sooner#but like. aah. im scared it's a lose lose like what if i do talk to her and it doesn't make anything better and then i don't even#have that last sliver of hope left. on the other hand#what if i do talk to her and it makes everything better and then i start relying on her and then she's not there when i need her again?#i hate being dependent on people it's so scary and you can never count on them to be there#i miss being a kid that clean happiness untouched by any other sad emotion and entirely independent#now it's like even if im happy im terrified of losing it and no thing is really enough#i wish i could just. not have emotions for s year. just till exams. i can't focus like this i keep spacing out between#lectures randomly tearing up for no reason#i don't know i don't know#oh it's day 2 of periods hopefully it'll all go away on its own it usually does#i hate this pcod bs so much cause like i get depressed twice once when my period is due but then it doesn't come but im still dep#and once when it actually does come like 10 days later#like bitch tf let me live
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Feeling somewhat accomplished
#i have a metric shit ton of homework to catch up on#but I managed to get a whole chapter done tonight#i feel mildly like crap but i also feel good for getting that much done#hung out with some new friends so that helped#im tired though#no idea how long it'll take me to sleep#but probably a bit because i took my adhd medicine out of desperation for focus#but hey it worked?#it seems like this was the roughest chapter i had to catch up on too#so that's good too#reunited with someone i haven't talked to in ages#it's been great#wish i reached out sooner tbh#apparently we were both mutually waiting for the other to be ready lol#but we're hanging out again and i now remember why we clicked so easily before#it's been fun#looking forward to hanging out with them more often#they've been very accommodating too#i joined their server and they've tried to make that as smooth as possible#the history is complicated#id run out of tags before i could finish#but yeah#that's been my last couple days#mainly throwing this out there so a certain someone gets an update on what's up without having pressure to respond (love you hun 💚)#but also just wanted to shout this out to my moots who might like hearing about things like this#anyways running out of tags#later y'all
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#delete later probably#hhhhh re my last reblog:#i wont do details because frankly there are none but like.#damn it's been literally YEARS since i had suicidal ideation#it's not really thinking about it so much as “thinking about thinking about it”. if you know you know.#i halted that in full. 100%. NO DEAL. sometime around 2016. eight years i've been without this shit and like. wow#i'm fine i will never ever do it. i decided i fear death and it isn't worth shit#but like oh fuck the stress must be BAD if im doing that thinking again#...it'll calm down soon but jfc#thinking too much about myself tonight opened up that can of worms im gonna watch some carpet cleaning videos and go to bed#ily all take care of yourselves <3
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in the mood to do something drastic
#have actual drastic things i need to do like tell my roommate im moving#but no that's too anxiety inducing#what if i kill myself instead#or disappear and go missing#those are fun drastic things#lol i feel nauseous again#giving myself just this one shit post for tonight let's see if that lasts#i'll just be here in the tags#feel like im gonna throw up but i know i wont this feeling will just last for a long time#idk why it's here but it is and it'll last until i matter and then come back a second later#lonely lonely lonely alone always alone
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