#it'll be slow but i can do it
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nice!! okay mine were:
- graduating from college with a bachelor's degree in film and media studies (yay!!)
- shooting, directing, producing, and editing my first ever music video (for my brother's song)
- going on a cruise for the first time
- seeing twenty one pilots they were AMAZING!!
- going to see TIT both with a friend and later alone and ACTUALLY MEETING DNP!!!! (this one might be my favorite) (yes i was even more excited than finishing my degree lmao)
- and realizing that if i make youtube videos, people will actually watch them! i'm so excited to make more!!
anyway this year was actually really hard for me but goddamn did we have some high highs and low lows anyway happy new year everyone i actually really love the positive stuff that happened so i'm gonna focus on that :)
seeing so many people spreading positivity in the phandom and it is SO lovely to see! here’s my attempt to spread some as well— what are some of your happiest moments from 2024?
mine are getting into my grad school program, seeing TIT, and moving to a cool new city :)
#SAD THINGS MENTIONED NEXT PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION ->#on a real note one of the people i loved most in this world died and it's been so fucking hard#i'm putting this in the tags because it's more personal#but yeah it's been pretty fucking hard and my mental health has been worse in general and i can't find a job and i feel pretty useless#but it's okay!! i'm actually pretty hopeful and i want to make things better for me in the new year#it'll be slow but i can do it#if i look back and i mean really look back on it#i did some pretty great things this year too.#yay!!#for now i can focus on that#sorry for dumping this here but if you've read this far thanks#and i'm gonna try my best. things are gonna be better i promise.
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sorry to be a bit of a hater but i do wish youtubers weren't so scared of making their videos just like, "reviews", whys everything gotta be a "video essay" all the time. every day my recommendations are filled with 40 minute videos titled "_____: An Underrated Masterpiece" where the first like five minutes are reading the wikipedia definition of "masterpiece" in a somber voice with dramatic themed text on screen. please just tell me how good or bad you think something is and use the rest of the runtime to explain why. you dont need to put on all these airs
#i know the ahem. channel. of some awe....... that whole situation kind of scared people off from using the word review#but like we live in the future now. you can make a review. i believe in you#AND LIKE i like a good video essay!! but im picky. because i read academic shit for fun#when i see a capital E essay im expecting theses. im expecting sub headers. im expecting multiple examples AND footnotes with asides#(and i know this is a controversial topic but i do expect them to be long. because if you read aloud a 4 page journal article its gonna)#(take a bit of time LOL maybe i just read too much academia shit. but i dunno man. theres not a lot you can say about like a big huge)#(topic with multiple angles if you only have like 10 minutes. maybe i just talk too slow. i need to breath <3 )#theres other formats too. surveys. retrospectives. informative essays. persuasive essays. etc#and like i also read lots of reviews not just of like movies and books but of like gallery exhibitions and shit!! they can be extremely#interesting a lot of work and some really beautiful writing!! nothing wrong with a review!!! theyre important#but i do get annoyed with like. the odd air of pretention i see in a lot of video essays. especially cause its usually not backed up by#the content. i dont care for those airs in academia either. nor do i like it in documentaries#just talk naturally. you'll find your voice. there might be pretention in it in the end but it'll be yours#if im making sense. i hear a lot of people talking in a pretention that is not their own. something they put on because thats what they#think they should do. you need to find your own pretention. be pretentious in a way that feels natural to youuuuuu#hell im being pretentious. about this LOL but like its my own. it is a pretentiousness ive built over the past half decade#play around. write a blog. i dunno. find your voice dear youtubers. find your voice
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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having a snack on their shiny new floor ✨
#putting them on a new feed protocol to see if it helps my whole.....situation#high high high fiber and just enough pellet to keep them at an ok weight#annoyed their wean date is....the day before i leave but what can you do#and if anyone is sick when i get home it'll be calling waddl time. and hopefully i learn some answers#i'm kinda worried the answers are gonna be 'yep that's enterotoxaemia and there's nothing you can do' which will be a net zero information#but that's why i'm also trying this new diet at the same time#high fiber and low carb diets are supposed to help kits with weaning stress and prevent enteric diseases according to every college ever#so may as well try!! hay and oats is cheap. ish#also happy that the feed i'd like to switch to is also higher in fiber than any of the local options i have#so maybe it'll also help. but probably the biggest help will be finally getting in the new barn and off these damn dirt floors#glad that it's the slow breeding season anyway so i can take a little break to figure this out without impacting my food supply#i really did think i had this figured out last year but i can never have anything easy#rabbits#blanc de hotot#kits
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fourth lobby fourth lobby fourth lobby fourth lobBY FOURTH LOBBY FOURTH LOBBY FOURTH LOBBY FOURTH!!!! LOBBY!!!!!!!
#Final Fest#Splatoon 3#Splatoon spoilers#Splat3#FOURTH HUB AREA????? FOR THE SPLATFEST???????#Do you think they'll be shops? And new shop keepers?#I doubt it personally very late in the game to give us new characters#But I coooooould see a return of Crusty Sean#And maybe the owner of Hotlantis finally makes an appearance?#I imagine it'll be a temporary place only for build up to and during Final Fest#I say during build up as well because we have the shots of the idols not in their final fest fits#So we must be able to access this lobby sometime not during final fest#It's kinda hard to tell what's scene setting and what's place you can actually stand#Because like. The big all three groups stage is FULL of Jellies#I feel like that'd slow the game down a LOT and even if it didn't there's no squid NPCs on the floor as well#So I doubt it's somewhere you can actually have your Inkling stand... which is odd given it's where the big Concert is happening#I dunno I dunno....
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I've had enough character development for this year. Can we skip to the beach filler episode?
#lmao#had a great day mostly but im feeling the burnout#hindsight im glad im gonna be taking summer off from college#yeah it'll take me a bit longer to get my degree but i crammed in a lot of shit within a year#and working on projects and theory and application non stop#caught up to me#there's still a part of me thats like BITCH TAKE 1 CLASS THATS 1 LESS TO WORRY ABOUT#but the other is like BITCH 1 CLASS AINT GON DO SHIT CHILL YOU OVERACHIEVING CHICKEN FRIED FUCK#“you take everything on like you're running out of time even though the thing you need most is rest.”#thank you friendo for calling me out on my bullshit 🙏🏻💯#maybe i should hire them to tell me when i need to slow the fuck down#cause even though ive gotten better with taking care of myself i get so caught up with my ambitions that it bites me in the ass#that and when you're disabled and if you get that window of opportunity where you feel good you want to crank all the shit out you can#before going back into hibernation mode#vicious cycle#anyway i be ranting#no magenta here but some other color that we shouldn't be able to comprehend but we do anyway
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Issues I've had with MFMM S3 in the most recent rewatch, or: an incomplete and incoherent rambling about some of the things that really annoyed me about it
I've recently finished rewatching miss fisher's murder mysteries for some 5th-10th time since I originally saw it years and years ago on FOX Crime or wherever and it's been a completely different experiences to previous rewatches. I have to assume because I grew up quite a lot so things that used to rub me the wrong way until I was raw no longer hold the same sway over me, but I found scenes previously unbearable perfectly fine to watch (annoying, but nothing especially enraging), and characters that I despised merely unlikable. In short, it was as immensely entertaining as before without certain hindrances, and the main attractions (jack and phryne's relationship, the found family, amazing acting and fun mysteries) were no less attractive.
However, I also developed an issue with the third season. Prior to rewatching the show (while I was still trying to convince myself i totally wouldn't go back in the 30+ hrs runtime trenches), I rewatched an analysis I'd seen years ago (possibly around my previous rewatch, knowing covid time) made by a creator whose work I like, and she dedicated a section of the video to some of the things that bothered her about the last season. I was a bit confused, to be perfectly honest, because I didn't remember being at all bothered with it the last time I watched it, and certainly not with the things she mentioned (and more importantly, I had no issues with the writing).
And then, uh, I got to the third season on the rewatch. And at first I was like, ok, this is perfectly fine. A little bit odd in certain moments, but not all that bad. And then the problems kept piling and piling through the seasons, and I kept pacing and pacing and noticing more and more things about it that bothered me.
The main problem, and I imagine the reason my then-self didn't really notice anything (apart from my all-encompassing rage at hugh collins that blinded me to anything else), is that the character writing isn't outright Bad. Like, it's not the kind of bad where you throw your TV out the window because how dare they do that to your blorbos, but it is the kind of bad that festers in your show loving heart until it forms 'It's plausible that they might do that kind of... I guess?' It's the kind of bad that takes a bit of thinking to figure out why your brow furrowed in this or that scene until it smoothed out.
So let's talk about that scene in s3e1 where jack does his 'i'm not part of the parade' monologue, the thing that bothered the analyst but that I distinctly remembered being silly and entertaining. I mean, he gets drunk and goes on a tirade over a misunderstanding while phryne stands there baffled, unsure whether she should laugh or not. This is where the 'i guess?' starts, because like, absolutely, it's not the first time in the show he's been jealous, nor the first time he's been incredulous or eye-rolly when he finds out phryne's had a dalliance with this or that man. It's plausible that all those sentiments would come out the way they did with alcohol involved and after being stood up twice, first for what was possibly supposed to be their first foray into more serious territory, and then again that night. It's not a scene that paints him in a favourable light, but that's not in and of itself an issue, he's got his faults and that's one of the things that make him interesting to watch. But arriving on the heels of the caustic remarks and biting sarcasm and refusing to listen to phryne at all to the point that she got borderline upset hours before, it felt less silly and in character and more like a nail hammered one time too many.
It set a trend too for the rest of the season, and not a nice one. All those jealousy scenes created two situations- the first, where phryne would respond indignantly and in character to how she'd been in previous seasons, on the rare occasion he'd actively made a remark (was it even more than once? i can't remember); and the second, where phryne would run after him, explaining that 'it wasn't like that', like she was cheating on him. The second option was especially hard to watch because their reactions genuinely read like she'd done something wrong when that wasn't the case at all, and like the analyst said the narrative went so far as to shame her with that moment at the air base fence (for the first time in the show! previously jack's reactions had been light-hearted and phryne had responded in kind, usually saying something witty or teasing him; the second they became that of the betrayed partner, it got a sour note).
For the sake of adding drama and an unnecessary explanation as to why they haven't railed each other yet, the show killed the wonderful dynamic they'd rocked thus far, that of very close friends who are attracted to each other and probably in love but who haven't quite decided what to do about it yet.
It was like the show lost all faith in it's audience to imagine the reasons behind their reluctance, to understand their characters, to believe this truly outrageous (/s) situation of two friends in love who don't get together (yet). Like it's not a tale as old as time for people to be afraid romantic involvement with their friends might ruin that friendship, and choosing not to take the risk. Like we don't know that phryne has never had a serious relationship, and that jack has never had anything but; that her dalliances with other men are all about sating her curiosity about different people's lives and minds and pleasure, that she firmly embodies the rich aristocrat and keeps the little collingwood girl firmly on the other side of the door; that he stayed in a failed marriage for ten years because he's always serious about the people he loves, that he nearly married concetta because he cared about her and didn't want her to be married off again to somebody cruel.
And speaking of lack of faith, did they think we needed to be reminded every five minutes in various clear-cut and glaringly obvious ways that they love each other? Like we know! We're watching the show! We don't need guido and concetta and the greek chorus to slap the note in our face. This isn't a children cartoon and they didn't suddenly fall in love in s3e1 for the entire cast to lay on the horns, we've been watching them fall in love through every touch and look. Honestly, there was more subtlety in sanderson's 'you do indeed keep close company these days' than the entire italian episode.
The entire thing felt like they were insinuating that the second phryne and jack try for something serious the entire thing falls apart, and they go from dear friends to a reddit post. Despite all their surface differences, the reason they're in love is their deep-seated belief in truth and justice, and the reason they're as close as they are is that they don't keep things from each other and they communicate. I don't think it's in character, or even worse, I feel like it's a very sad choice of character path for them to lose their whimsy and trust the second they delve into the romantic, like it's a whole different thing and not just a different lens through which to experience the intimacy they already share. I would've much preferred that they'd either continued their whimsical friendship until the last episode, or even that they'd gone down the vulnerable road of talking more about their respective issues; frankly, i would've settled for a long term friendship over the mess that they ended up creating (I'm queer, I can sustain myself on subtext).
That area of jack writing aside, what the hell did they do to my boy's murder solving skills? I swear, there were at least a couple episodes where he didn't contribute anything to the investigation, or he did so little it was imperceptible.
In s2e9 (the cinema one, i think that was the number) I distinctly remember phryne laying out what she thought happened (at the very beginning when they found the body) and jack staying silent and giving her a besotted look, and afterwards hugh saying it matched what jack had surmised earlier. This was amazingly done, because it very economically established 1. that jack had already done the clever bit 2. that they agreed fully so there was no need for their usual back and forth, and most importantly after their huge, sad rift had just been surmounted, 3. that he was incredibly happy to be working with her again because he loves listening to the cogs turning in her head and watching her be clever.
There was none of that attention to detail in those s3 episodes, he was just... not involved. Phryne would lay everything out and then they'd leave, and that was it. It felt wild to witness because in different scenes he acted as he always did, like their dynamic was the same as always. I didn't get the impression that he was having a bad day, or not in the mood, because in writing those things need to have some significance or note, and here it was just there. Not noticed, not significant, not anything; fully like they'd forgotten that they put him in the shot and thus gave him no lines.
I really can't explain how much it irked me because the main appeal of the show isn't the murder investigations, as fun and clever as they are, it's the relationships between characters. The point of the narrative shouldn't be solving the crime, it should be all the things that happen while it's being solved.
In short- how dare they rob me of the sparks of phryne and jack exchanging theories and opinions?! That's what I'm here for! The sexual tension isn't just the looks and touches, it's what preceded them and keeps them so fresh and electric- it's them standing over a body or in the morgue or in her parlour and being clever at each other and with each other, the push of sharing an opinion and the pull of daring the other person to catch up with you by giving them only the raw information, the resonance of interacting with someone who's on even footing with you.
It's like 3 am and I've tired myself out so I'll stop here. Obvious disclaimer for anyone who might see this is that this is based on my impression of the show and i won't go back to watch just the bad parts solely to write a coherent, sourced analysis (aka I'm going off the things that left an impact on me, they might not be given the most screentime or note), and that this is still a favourite show and not meant to be an indictment of the whole thing (I only get so annoyed bcs i like it otherwise).
#mfmm#miss fisher's murder mysteries#jack robinson#phryne fisher#mfmm critical#i legitimately nearly went back to edit LMAO#if sb is reading this at all it'll hardly matter to them whether sentences make sense#i just got upset and realized that i wouldnt get the full satisfaction in a discord rant so i moved here instead#also dont think i need to make this disclaimer but just in case#this is an acab household- the show has numerous issues in several departments- etc etc#we watch things critically here but also i am trash for characters with chemistry in slow burns#i do want to write coherent analyses so bad bcs i legit have a lot of thoughts#but i always get tired rly quickly and forget all i wanted to say#so rants it is instead#like i said i wont go to rewatch bad parts bcs it doesnt bring me joy#but i do hope one day to make posts for each episode with things in it i love and all the little details acknowledged that i can#bcs its a very dear piece of media to me#oh man and i need to. you wont believe this but i need to do my nd hc post#every. every time. every time i rewatch smt its that dynamic#oh u liked a piece of media? autism mf#dan talks
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playing with circles O●°○•°o.
#trypophobia#i want to draw again so bad#i feel like my brain is too full of gunk and the only way to clean it is by drawing and i just don't have the time#i did this at work when it was slow#i'm in the process of moving right now. it'll be my first time living alone#i'm finally getting my adhd medicated after getting diagnosed in january#my life is so different year to year it honestly is dizzying#at this time last year my current roommate and i were looking for an apartment#at this time two years ago i had been at my second job ever for three months and i didn't have a car#and my mom had to drive with me to and from work because the van had been totaled and we only had the one car for the four of us#at this time three years ago i had just graduated and was a month into my first ever job. didn't even know how to drive#i thought i was so behind in life and that i was gonna be stuck like that eternally#now... god i don't even know. i'm trying to be positive#this is gonna be my solo chapter. my zuko alone episode. my walden pond.#but really i'm just so scared all the time and i have no choice but to keep treading water forever#i feel like all through childhood everything stays the same. nothing prepared me for living through constant change#entering my mid twenties i'm learning that. yeah you can't predict everything you can't prepare for everything#you can't keep anything and you can't change anything#but you can hold it in your hands. you can choose to live it. you can choose to be there#i hope once i get settled at my new place i'll suddenly find time to do everything#i hope the meds help me with that. i just want to draw again. i just want to feel alive again
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Gonna go running tomorrow!!!! Gotta hype myself up because i know once my alarm goes off at 6am i will not be as excited anymore ((((: BUT I'LL GO RUNNING!!!!
#i just#need to get some actual exercise#where i can completely exhaust myself#i mean. i get some pretty exhausting 10 minutes every morning on my hike to class#but i want something a bit longer and something that will end in a nice shower and not in a seminar room#I'm just a bit scared of how it'll go because so far the paths where people exercise are also occupied by other people#and then there's bikes that might kill you if you don't watch out#so i wanna go early so i hopefully avoid random people taking a painfully slow walk in the middle of the path#so you can't pass them#but I'll be moving!!! fast!! i cannot wait tbh#i should have gone tonight#(watch me oversleep and be too unmotivated to go tomorrow morning... istg if i don't get up at 6#I'll still go at 8 or 9 or 10 am and have to live with the consequences of the paths being crowded#I'd go to bed early but my neighbors keep me up until 2am every night so that's fun#but the running will be worth it#(I'm not even a runner ㅠㅠ i just need to substitute my usual high intensity workouts with something other than pilates and yoga#i mean it's definitely not bad to be forced to do something out of my comfort zone but i really miss my jumping around time)#void screams
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see in my head i fully believe that over time i'm gonna go back and write all the days i've skipped in my whumptober series, it might take months but in my head, eventually, they will all get written. will this actually happen? who knows! but i am never short on ideas, only fuel and motivation, so we'll see what the next few months bring
of course i actually have to make it to the end of october first, but that's entirely besides the point
#mind you i'm taking a fat nap and a break after october ends#but eventually#i do want to write for all the skipped prompts#it'll probs be a slow process#but maybe i can fill them all in before next october#but also i have so many other projects i wanna work on#[big bang fic stares menacingly at me]#[other undisclosed project mocks me from afar]#so like who knows where my writing will go next#all i know is that i'm never lacking in gallavich brainworms#they consume my every thought#sam rants
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I'm sorry for not having anything new to share artwise despite me drawing and painting like...everyday comic is coming along!! I've already met my goal in order to launch on Oct 17th!!! I'm so nervous and excited wahhh
when you put your heart and soul into something for 5 years and suddenly its like...happening 😳I can't even put into words all the feelings I'm feeling haha... This is going to be my life for the next 10+ years???? craziness Can't wait to share my heart wrenching story lmao
#al speaks#im like hyping myself up mostly because I do feel bad that if i have to post the comic only one page a week it'll be slow going...#ya know..#and i know that every successful comic before me also had to get past this 'slow start' point haha#I've been very productive tho...maybe I can do 2 pages a week sooner then I thought
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I am working 6 days next week someone shoot me in the head
#I just DID 6 days!!!!!!#and I think I'm working 10 hours tomorrow 🫠🫠#my manager was like 'oh but you're on vacation after that so you'll be fine! you're young!'#yes but I'm BUSY DOING STUFF during my time off next week!!!!#ughgghh#yeah it's money. and it'll be slow so I can most likely knock off a few books (which I'll be glad to do)#but still.#like I want to spend 12 hours reading my (physical) book (since I just read downloaded ones at work)#and I want to spend 7 hours binging a show#and I want to change my Tumblr themes. like you don't understand!#also im apparently training someone tomorrow!?#why. the season is almost over and it's not busy anymore.#also she's like a member!? so idk why but it just feels weird#I might send her home early cause honestly. she prolly doesn't need to stay the whole day#idk I feel weird training her.#so I only have Saturday off 💀
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The daunting realization that it's officially November which means NaNo and I'm not prepared in the slightest.
#; OOC || Bri ♟️#//I really wanted to try again this year to see if I can get more out of it than I did last year. Even if it's only by a small margin.#//But with all the loss and chaos it's been difficult wanting to do anything creative.#//So I'm extremely nervous about how it'll go. But maybe it'll help get some motivation back?? Hopefully?#//It's probably going to be a slow process still so I can't make any promises on a timeline.#//But maybe it'll help restore some of my confidence and creativity a bit to jump back in the game on here. 🙏
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Idk I didn't see dogboy Bor'dor theories as reductive or a punchline. I just thought it made a lot of sense and liked feeling in on the joke Utkarsh is setting up if that's the case because I'm not usually someone who gets the joke (certainly not early) and it's just fun. I think it's a great character concept. I don't need the story to be about that. It's just not that deep I guess.
#It's really trendy right now to make fun of people who are going along with the idea#Which I know is targeted at people who refuse to take a story at face value and who very often do this with multiple characters#Like they refuse to engage with what's in front of them and make up something new and I get that can be frustrating to watch#But idk man I saw the theory and it held water for me and I liked feeling like I picked up something before 92 episodes had passed#It's really hard for me to get a 3d view of characters for like a really long time if I ever do#Spotting a possible concept felt like a shortcut and made me feel a bit less slow#Kind of sucks that the (admittedly understandable) response is just 'oh you're all being stupid'#Maybe he's not a dog#In which case I'll be glad to go along with the story presented#It'll be good either way#And I know that making fun of people who do this as a trend isn't the same as making fun of me#But my fyp and such feels kinda mean about it#I think the important distinction is the willingness to be just as content if a thing isn't true#But in the meantime it's just fun#Not an indictment of how 'boring' it would be otherwise
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i've been pacing myself thanks to living with ri for three months now and i'm. actually getting better
i'm doing the dishes voluntarily while standing up. i'm sitting up in bed instead of constantly needing to be horizontal. i constantly have the craving of going out and doing something (but the three flights of stairs i'd have to conquer are still my enemy). i feel more alive. i'm still in pain and tired as all hell but i'm also craving *going back to work* which i will attempt to do (only part time though don't worry) once i'm all registered here. things aren't and probably never will be like they used to before i got sick, but it's also much much much better than it was three months ago. there's hope again
#once i get my ldn it'll hopefully make me unstoppable#i'm nowhere near letting go of my wheelchair but if they could find me a job i could sit down at#i honestly think i could manage 15 hours a week. maybe even 20 if it's slow paced#i am SO much better than i was#but i'm also so so so scared this is just a good phase bc i'm not doing Anything#and i'm resting bc there's nothing else to do#so pray i don't crash and burn as soon as i start pushing out of this resting zone again#gods i hope it's not a fad#i also never would've gotten here without ri taking care of me for all these months#i also feel So Super Bad now that i can feel being stuck inside rather than desperately needing it 🤠#so that's fun#i'm more depressed now that i don't want to be inside 24/7#but we're getting a new place and moving into it in a month#no stairs and a nice yard#it will help so so much
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dreading work tomorrow sooooo so so so much. i have to do a thing i really don't wanna do lol and it's gonna suck and nothing is gonna work and I'm gonna look stupid and feel stupid. but at least it'll be Friday.
#README#i shouldnt talk like that#maybe it'll be easier than i think#and at least its something to do this week has been so slow and boring#it feels like i only get tickets that are. incredibly frustrating#and the rest of the time im just sitting there with nothing to do#so at least itll keep me busy#and if anything goes wrong i can blame it on my manager#kidding (mostly)
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