#it’s the Elf Cop himself appearing at Christmas

[stars278]

So I saw this in a store today and I immediately thought of Stewart Clarke Javert 😭 I laughed out loud in the middle of the aisle and couldn’t explain what was so funny but like. It’s Him. The Elf Cop…

@bunvert @keenenthusiastinfluencer I hope you know how much your influence is spreading, he’s got merchandise now 😂

[forensicated]

What are some of your favourite episodes of the bill?

Oooh crikey, so many! Thank you for the question! These are in no particular order. Also apologies for the formatting, I'm on my phone trying to reply and remember which numbered episode is which and have to go check some of them to ensure they're right as I've bounced everywhere around timelines the last couple of years doing the recaps and they blurred.

* All Change, the millennium new years eve when cid became uniform for the night.

* Respect 1 and 2, the end episodes. I don't like the way some of the character storylines were wound up but those two episodes were an amazing tribute.

* The Chief Super's Party, June and Roy flirting at the bar, Brownlow deeply unimpressed by the company that Roy kept. Roy getting one over on the super without Brownlow even realising which allowed him to support Ted. Ted's drunk driving crash ending up with him sleeping on a boat overnight and solving a robbery to save his job whilst hungover.

* The Target Trilogy, June and Steve get shot at. It's thought that it's Steve being targeted but they soon realise how wrong they are. Poor Jo 😕

* An Honour To Serve, Gina's last episodes. Smithy's kiss on the cheek and how much he respects her 💔❤️ "Goodnight Ma'am" (RIP Roberta ❤️)

* Lullaby with Smithy going from reading Tim a bedtime story in a cell with absolutely no feeling in his voice through to him singing 5 little speckled frogs to try keep him calm and not worry him when they were kidnapped.

* Integrity, Nicks first episodes. The contrast of him and Smithy paired together is awesome. Especially when they unite.

* Gunrunner, Smithy and guns...

* Witness and the episodes featuring Carly in the run up. Smithy really became the paternal figure that he didn't want to initially and cared about her, Leanne and Brooke. (& laughing at Nate when he runs the wrong way after sending him to chase after her whilst he stands and has a nice little chat.)

* Righteous Kill 1 and 2, Max protecting the wife and son of a man he shot in S019.

* Brittaniamania, Mickey undercover as a football hooligan and Debbie pretending to be his girlfriend with Dave and Paul his workmates though Paul being shit at plastering almost got them caught.

* Episode 154, the aftermath of Mickeys rape. The acting is incredible.

* Tinderbox, Brownlow, Conway and Meadows in an outward bounds team building course against Manion and his cocky cheating team.

* Conviction - particularly the riot training episode where Smithy and Callum end up having a physical fight to end their frustration over what happened with Devlin. The last episode of that is a bit frustrating though as I don't think Smithy could give his guilt over that quickly to accept a promotion when it was eating him alive. It made out he and Stevie had continued a thing from Gunrunner too that they hadn't. (the promotion thing bugged me so much I made a fic about it)

* First Impressions 1 and 2, purely for WUK (or "WUS!") and nick and uniform hiding in Diane's cupboard to watch Ben on cctv.

* Blurred Around The Edges, Smithy's army friend makes an appearance and turns his world upside down. (another I did a fic about!)

* Soft Talking, Smithy delivers a baby in the middle of a street and has to try and find the mother when she disappears and get her away from the abusive boyfriend and dad.

* When the snow lay roundabout, Danny the elf knowing what Matt secretly wished, Reg being the only copper out because of the snow (he'd only gone to get a Christmas tree) Rod trying to scam uniform, a cheeky kid outing him and helping polly and Gary trim the tree and the barbershop quartet!

* PC Smith, Needing to show himself in a good light, Smithy volunteers with Nick to look after a gay couple who are receiving homophobic threats. Everyone is surprised, not least Smithy himself.

*Episode 372, Cop The Lot "Simon Cowell eat your heart out!"

* Cowboy Country, Max ends up using his mother's priest to try track a Polish criminal down

*Game Plan, Max goes undercover with the Monks family.

* Tolerance, Smithy's C019 training and interview.

* Episode 69 and 70, cop idol and Cass being taken hostage and murdered by the serial killer 💔

* 117 and 118 Smithy's first 2 Sgt episodes including singing at the gay club.

* Good Cop Bad Cop , callum's first. Smithy leaps on him twice and Dan is NOT impressed when Callum acts all dodgy and tries to shut him out.

* 131 Smithy goes undercover in prison to try locate some expensive cars and Ken's son.

* 138 and 139 Smithy and Gina go out for a drink and end up in a drinking game. Smithy cheats! "You're a cab!" The next morning Gina had a little prang and all hell breaks loose.

* 162 the first live episode

* 205 206 Nicks last episodes before going into witness protection. I hate that they didn't make more of his and Sgt!smithy's past but at least they acknowledge it in this episode. It's just a shame that a lot of newer viewers would have been confused as hell at what was going on with their goodbye.

* 214 215 the start of Gina and Jonathan properly.

* Appropriate Force, Callum comes face to face with his ex and her criminal husband. Smithy has to literally pull him away from beating the husband into a pulp for attacking his wife.

* 237 Jim and June get married. For the cast dressed up, Smithy teasing Gina about settling down and shoving her forward to catch the bouquet and the beautiful Gina and Jonathan moments. Though sadly they do end up breaking up.

Killer On The Run, Ryan Jones blames Smithy for him killing his wife. (Smithy had let slip that Ryan was infatuated with a prostitute the episode before) and tries to take revenge, holding both Smithy and Pauline, Smithy's mother at gunpoint at various times

* 272 273 Gina taken hostage by Irene Radford and the story of their history and how alike they were falls out.

* 286 Dan's first appearance at the driving school with Amber and Leela. Amber's attempts to get in with the instructor once she finds out she's a lesbian is hilarious.

* 288 289 Andrea is found out and the station explodes in a fireball thanks to Colin Fairfax. Smithy and Ken's final scene is heartbreaking 💔

*298 Dan transfers and puts himself in danger rescuing a woman who is treated as a slave by those she works for as well as being raped by the father. Rosa is terrified but Dan tries to help, made harder by the fact she's deaf and doesn't speak English.

* 302 303 Mickey returns with MIT colleagues and arrests Neil. It's a heartbreaking look at what the rape had done to Mickey or "Michael" as he insists he is now and then something further breaks his heart....

* 327 Gina is found having collapsed at home by Smithy and Jonathan. Gina and Jonathan have a heart to heart and she almost tells him she wants to reunite... Right as he tells her he has a girlfriend. She forces herself to let him go for good 💔💔

* 349 second live episode and the end of Prosser.

* 360 and 361 Dan finally discovers who it is that has been blackmailing him about his affair and a lot is revealed about his history in these 2.

* 402 403 Smithy returns to work after the Larson debarkle to find Gina graffiting his welcome back posters and his first case involving his ex cellmate

* The Fat Lady Sings, Dave is approached by an opera singer who tells him she's being stalked. He ignores her and soon regrets it. Duncan arrives and arouses suspicions when the others realise he lives in a fancy penthouse apartment and has connections in the operatic world.

* Whose Side Are You On?, Dashers arranges a football match against a group of teens and lets Viv play in goal. (Vivs only experience being netball) so he doesn't have to let Bob Cryer play.

* Square Peg Round Hole, John Boulton is stuck with a needle during an arrest and worries he might have HIV but being John he won't stay at home.

*Wannabe, A young girl makes her attraction to Rod very obvious and he uses it to get her druggy parents.

* Team Play, Jack forces Duncan to take part in a compulsory training course with him. Duncan wants to skip it and work a sexual assault case with Liz. Poor Tom keeps being chucked off the case everyrime Duncan can slip out or take calls before he's dragged back in again to unwillingly participate in the exercise 😂

Badlands, the episode with Daves assault and those leading up to it (and after) with Boultons obsession with the Lovers and trying to nail Mick. The one where George loses it and goes for John when he goads him is perfect. Just a shame it leads the the Dave, Jenny, George, Polly mess.

* Trial Run, Rod calls in sick to Moonlight as a bodyguard. He thinks he's getting a female model but ends up with his hands full with two rich kids, one of which is a little shit.

* 427 Dan at the go kart center

* 481 It's Smithy's birthday, but noone will leave him alone.

* In The Know, Leon finds himself under suspicion when he's spotted being roughed up by a target of CID

* That's Love For You & Rescue Me, Leon struggles with a case where the parents of a baby he has bonded with are suspected of abusing her.

* The Truth Will Out, Smithy asks callum to apologise to a bloke who is accusing him of pushing him. He helps out unofficially when a young kid goes missing and panics when he thinks Smithy had gotten stuck during an underwater rescue. Their final scene is amazing.

* Hide and Seek, Leon finds a little girl hiding in a fireplace and they bond a she looks after her whilst they try to find her mother. They have tea parties and pretend to be invisible and all sorts ❤️ and then Tilly breaks his heart when she says "I thought you were my friend." he later risks his job doing something naughty that is seen by Rachel...

* Solace and The Calling. Dominic is incredible in these episodes, it's a real masterclass of how he can show every bit of what Leon is feeling with the slightest change of expression.

* Tombstone, Callum tries to deal with the death of his estranged father and the knowledge that he was a rapist.

Twanky, Sun Hill put on a panto and catch a criminal attempting to off an officer during it, hopefully without the audience realising.

Sorry, went a little overboard there! Interested to hear about yours (and everyone else's!), Anon!? Could have gone on all night naming eps.

[clairelsonao3]

5 Songs You Actually Listen to Tag Game (Holiday Version) plus a whumpy song bonus!

RULES: When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, then tag 10 people!! (Not necessarily holiday songs, I'm just choosing to take it in that direction for this post!)

@thebejeweledwatercat (post here) tagged me in this one, and given the season and my general year-round obsession with music, I decided it made sense to do a holiday version to help narrow it down. And also so I can be totally nerdy and annoying by choosing 5 holiday songs off my dozens of obscure seasonal playlists! (If you HAVE heard of and/or listened to any of these songs, step right up and get your gingerbread cookie!)

I generally use Spotify to link to music, but many of these are so obscure they aren't on Spotify. Many of them originate from growing up with my dad, who in turn was obsessed with obscure Christmas music before I was, and who not only played his mixtapes on car trips to see our relatives in Duluth, Minnesota every year around the holidays, but actually had a seasonal side gig appearing on local radio stations as their seasonal Dr. Demento. And thus the cycle continues.

To all of you there

From all of us here

Capitol sends a bundle of cheer

Capitol is goin' to town!

This is exactly what it sounds like: a very hastily produced 1945 Christmas promo of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" with the lyrics changed courtesy of Johnny Mercer and a group of the label's artists and other random staffers from the Capitol Records office, many of whom get name-checked in the song.

Perhaps part of the reason my dad turned out how he did is because he grew up in the one and only Christmas City of the North (TM): Duluth, Minnesota. The song (another promo, I can't help it!) was originally recorded by Merv Griffin in 1962 for the KBJR Christmas City Parade. I don't know if it actually increased holiday tourism to the city at the time, but it certainly paid off 50 or so years later.

Up on the hilltops pick on an icicle

Chew it while you slide to fun below

Down in midtown people are nicicle

Come this Christmas to the Christmas City I'll go

As some may not know, there's a whole cavalcade of lovable Christmas characters who failed in their attempts to become the next Rudolph or Frosty, from Suzy Snowflake to Santa Mouse to Lil Elfy (the elf who, of all things, was just TOO small) to Lil Klinker ("the pup who woke Santa up").

But none beats Jingle-O the Brownie, the OG Elf on the Shelf, 50 years or so before that was a thing. You can't convince me any different.

Now Jingle-O, he makes a trip each day in his red rocket ship

Around the world to see if you've been being good or bad

He's got a great big magic eye that watches you from in the sky

And when he sees you acting mean poor Jingle-O is sad

I probably could do a whole separate post on whumpy Christmas songs alone. But for now, I'll let you choose: Do you want the one about Baby Jesus killing innocent children for refusing to play with him and then being beaten by Mary with a withy switch as punishment?

So he made a bridge of beams of the sun

And over the river ran he

And after him ran these rich young lords

And drowned they all three

Or do you want the one about the guy who drives drunk, crashes into a cop car, nearly kills himself, gets thrown in jail after apparently receiving no medical treatment whatsoever, then is further tortured by being forced to listen to people happily celebrating the holiday outside of his cell?

Got rocks in my head

Wish I was dead

Ain't gonna drink and drive no more

And BONUS!

OR do you want the one about two Irish ne'er-do-wells who encounter a couple of army recruiters on a Christmas morning walk by the seaside, and instead of entertaining their pro-military-industrial-complex bullshit, choose to beat them half to death with a shillelagh?

I know it says to tag 10 people, but I'm just gonna OPEN TAG it and let people chime in if they want.

Merry Christmas if you do Christmas, and Season's Greetings and Happy New Year to all!

[letsperaltiago]

as long as you're with me it's always the time of the year

🌟 HAPPY 6TH OF DECEMBER: DOOR ONE 🌟

Welcome to door one of four! 

Behind my Christmas calendar’s first door is a... pre-relationship Peraltiago Christmas oneshot! ♥️ And I bet you have this series overall “theme” figured out now 😙If not then I guess you’ll have to tune back in in another six days! Until then I hope you can enjoy this first fic in the Christmas calendar/oneshot series!

Summary: The only thing Jake likes about the holidays is the Nine-Nine's annual Christmas party. This year, perhaps, he will come to prefer Amy's misfortune and company. Takes place somewhere between S02 E09: The Roadtrip and S2 E011:The stakeout.

Rating: G  Words: 6k

Read on AO3 here

🎁⬇️OPEN DOOR ONE HERE ⬇️🎁

The smell of pine trees, cinnamon and every other Christmas spice imaginable hangs over the precinct when Jake walks in on his day off. Normally he’d never set a foot near work on one of his holy days off, but today is the precinct’s annual Christmas party, and that he of course isn’t stupid enough to miss. Who would want to miss out on happenings like Boyle bringing some unknown Christmas-snack no one would ever want; drunk-Amy making an appearance; Gina hustling secret Santa gifts from young beat cops? Not Jake, that’s for sure.

This year’s party is being held on the third floor, the Special Victims Unit’s floor, and the second the elevator doors open before him Jake is met by the loud buzz made up of Christmas music, and people talking and laughing. Colors are everywhere; from the different, ugly shirts and Christmas sweaters people are wearing to the familiar, cliché Christmas decorations which have probably been reused for the past twenty Christmas parties. It’s horribly perfect, Jake thinks. Perhaps he hates the holidays, yes, but he does love the messy parties they bring along.  

“Jakey! Welcome!”

The detective has just barely stepped out of the elevator, onto festive grounds, when Charles appears right before him, holding two mugs of what appears to be some hot liquid. Jake is by no means very religious although he still prays to higher powers that said hot liquid is not that mulled Norwegian fish-wine his friend brought last year. Charles hands over one of the mugs and Jake is seriously afraid to look or, potentially even more hazardous, breathe in the toasty steam rising from it.

“Hey, bud. What’s that?”

“Mulled wine!” Charles takes a sip of his own mug meanwhile Jake can’t stop eyeing him, suspiciously so, because if there is one thing Jake doesn’t trust his best friend with then it’s primarily and definitely anything food and drink-related.

“Actual mulled wine or fish-wine?”

There is no getting around the fact that Charles is obviously hurt by the lack of trust his best friend is showing, when the little man’s face falls deadpan. “It happened once , Jake. One time.”

They start walking towards the briefing room, one much bigger than the one on their floor, where the life of the party is.

“I threw up for two days straight after last time - just saying, bud!”

Jake dares to smell the beverage and it does actually smell like actual mulled wine, so he hesitantly takes a sip, just in case it turns out he’s been betrayed. Alas the flavor tells him the liquid is indeed normal mulled wine, which makes this yet another cracked case for Peralta.

Inside the briefing room that is crowded with people, both some he knows and a lot that he doesn’t, a Christmas tree and all kinds of snacks and drinks, it’s hard to tell who is from what department and honestly? Jake doesn’t care. As long as people seem to be a good time and are willing to laugh at his hilarious charms then he’s down to clown. Or down to Santa - whatever Christmas-saying is more suitable.

“Has Gina scored herself some gifts yet? And how many drinks is Santiago at?”

Jake awaits an answer while his friend pours himself some more of the warm wine, and puts the time to good use by removing his leather jacket before hanging it on a random chair nearby. The party will be hot, literally, he figures.

“Hmm, last time I saw Gina she was up to two already…”

“Noice,” Jake nods in approval, mentally noting to check in with his friend later. This has to be the year she beats her record of eights gifts in one evening.

“... And Amy was up to one.”

“Not good enough.”

“We’ve only been here for an hour, Jake.”

Jake pauses. With the winter sun setting so early, he thought he’d missed out on hours of partying when in reality Boyle is right: it’s just barely 6.30 and he’s missed out on so little.

“Fair. I’ll give her that. Where is she anyway?”

Boyle turns just in time to see his friend scouting the room in hopes of finding his partner.

“Someone’s eager to hang out with Amy.” Just as his facial expression, rocking cocking eyebrows and a knowing smirk, Charles’ voice is laced with teasing tones. It’s no secret that Jake commiting to his feelings and acting on them, especially now that both him and Amy are single (and totally into each other, if you ask Charles) is at the top of the older detective’s wishlist - no matter how creepy it is.

“Shut up. I have a girlfriend.” Images of Sophia flash before him, the face she made when he promised her he didn’t like Amy anymore, and deep down Jake feels guilty. The feeling is quickly pushed aside though; he’s done nothing wrong and will do nothing wrong. He’s with Sophia - not Amy. “I just need to laugh at someone and Amy just so happens to be the perfect candidate.”

“Just like she’s perfect in every other way?”

“Boyle!” Jake lightly punches his friend on the arm and it almost causes Charles to spill the hot beverage. Just barely, he manages to restore the liquids balance and keep it in the cup.

“Hey! You almost made me drop my glühwein !” Leave it to Charles to pronounce the foreign word perfectly , and leave it to Jake to, as per usual, roll his eyes at it.

“Anyways, are you going to tell me where Amy is or not?”

The two friends stand back, facing the crowd in an attempt to comb through it, however everyone’s outfits seem so alike - ugly and colourful - and so it quickly hits them just how pointless the mission is.

“I don’t know about know, but last time I saw her she was by the women’s bathroom talking to Rosa. Haven’t seen her since.”

“Hm, okay,” Jake mumbles. “I’ll be right back. I just wanna say hi.”

“Sure you do.”

Quickly decoding the way his words are drenched in a certain teasing tone, Jake doesn’t even need to look at his friend to know there’s a knowing smirk plastered across his face. There’s no doubt: it’s easier for him to just walk away without looking back - so he does.

Boyle is a fool if he thinks he’s got a thing for Amy - that ship has long sailed. In the past, yes, he did have feelings for Amy… But that was before. Before Teddy and Sophia; before realising they were better off as friends; before, before, before. Sure, he’d felt something flare up inside of him that night at the inn with Teddy and Sophia when it was suddenly revealed that Amy used to like him, perhaps still did? He’ll admit that. However that entire trip was crazy, all kinds of emotions on display, and anything that said and/or happened there should be taken with a pinch of salt. Yes, he used to like Amy, ‘used to’ being the keyphrase. Now he was happy with Sophia and couldn't possibly have feelings for Amy. At least not romantic feelings, no. Friendly feelings, the sensation of being happy when around her? Sure. Now, months after said roadtrip to hell, things were back to normal: they were partners and friends, without any weirdness or doubt about the fact. That was it and the way it would stay, no matter what anyone said - especially Charles.

Suddenly he spots her, across the room in a corner with a cup in hand, talking to someone on the phone. The iconic red cup causes a smile to grow on Jake’s face as he is granted an early Christmas wish: drunk-Amy is going to make an appearance tonight. He appreciates all sides of Amy, although drunk-Amy is extra fun - especially ever since Gina let him in on the Santiago-drunkenness scale.

It takes her a second to pick up on his approach, but the second she sees him he receives a smile in return. Her hair is loose and shiny as alway. For tonight’s occasion it has a silvery head band holding it in place. To no one’s surprise, even less Jake’s, she’s wearing what he recognizes as her famous Santiago-dress pants. Although the blazer and usually colored shit has been replaced with a neatly ironed white shirt. The silver headband along with the white shirt? Of course Amy would go for an angel-look instead of a tacky red Santa or a green elf like many of their colleagues. Then again: white does look good really good on her, Jake admits to himself, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Charles’ words were stuck on repeat in his mind then maybe he would’ve told her. A nice, friendly compliment like… “You look pretty” or whatever other nice, not inappropriate thing he could say. It’s easier to say nothing at all, he figures.

The crowd around him is loud but he can hear her talking as he closes in on her. He waves to her and she half-mindedly waves back clearly focused on the conversation she’s in the midst of.

“Okay, yeah…”

He stops next to her and sips on his drink while she finishes up.

“We’ll go meet Santa on Sunday then… Yeah, I’ll meet you there. Bye.”

Although he hates to admit it, Jake is happy to see her hang up. It means she can switch her attention to him.

“Tinder date?” He asks.

She looks up, from putting her phone away, with what Jake considers the iconic ‘ you’re an idiot’-grimace, as a consequence reminding him of the one thing he has a hard time admitting - even to himself: she looks really cute doing just that and he likes that he’s the one person that can bring it out of her.

“Ha. Ha.” Her fake laugh is drier than the failed Christmas cookies she brought last year. “What do you think I do on Tinder-dates?”

“Meet Santa - apparently.”

It’s clear as day that the young man takes immense pleasure in the easygoing banter, the special kind he can only have with Amy, and even though his mouth says and shows one thing then his shining eyes definitely don’t agree. Infatuation is the word although he would never dare to call himself out on it. That was Charles’ job, but luckily no one, to Jake’s advantage, would ever believe the always way too excited little man.

“I can’t believe how funny you are, Peralta,” Amy retorts, voice stuck in the same still flat tone that tries to make believe she isn’t very amused and delighted by the fact that Jake located her just to tease her. It’s a special kind of attention, one she at times has dreaded but with time slowly and surely has come to like - a lot. Even though she pretends not to.

“I can’t believe you go on Tinder-dates, Santiago.”

“I never said I did? You did.” She crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow in objection.

“Right, right… Forgot you used to have feelings for me, which means you must’ve cut off all dating in hopes of me coming around one day.”

In all honesty Jake can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he says what he does sometimes. Although, apparently, there must be somewhat truth to it considering how Amy feels her palms heat up against her cold drink, blood rushing to her face where it quickly takes apparent form as a rosy color tinting the apples of her cheeks. Jake, even though it’s so very tempting, tries not to think any of it. Replaying in his mind is the look of confusion and pain on Amy’s face when it was brought up that Amy used to like him. Perhaps it was true but if bringing it up, in a context that wasn’t just for fun and banter, would cause Amy the same troubled feelings from back at the Maple Drip Inn, then it definitely wasn’t worth bringing up again. He shouldn't have said that. Amy didn’t have feelings for him anymore - chapter closed.

“Sorry. Bad joke.”

“It’s fine.” She tries to chuckle it off but he knows a genuine Amy-laugh and this isn’t it.

“Anyways,” Jake takes another sip of his drink leaving the word hanging in the air for a few seconds, aspiring for a change of subject, in case his partner wants to take advantage. She doesn’t though. His turn, he figures.  “If not a mystery man, then who was it?”

She shakes her head smiling at his persistence. “It was my brother Anthony. Him, Christian and I are taking my nephews and nieces to meet Santa.”

“Wow, all five hundred of them?”

Amy has to laugh at this, a genuine laugh this time, one with no snarky comment because he’s kind of right: her family is huge and she appreciates him taking note of it even though the number is horribly wrong.

“Almost… Just the ten of them.”

A shared chuckle between the two settles a nice and comfortable atmosphere around the two; one where the rest of the room disappears into the background and it’s just the two of them laughing and poking at each other as if there’s no half-awkward and delicate taboo to dance around.

Sadly the moment isn’t meant to last for much longer. Jake is halfway into one of his crazy stories, making Amy laugh louder and louder with every sip of her first drink. Out of nowhere, a heavy figure, certainly bigger than Amy’s, comes tumbling into her from the side and it to no one’s surprise results in her drink flying out of her hands, splashing all over her. Amy lets out a whelp, time stands still, everything seems to go silent as everyone around Amy, Jake included, stares in horror at the sudden mess.

Her drink, an unknown clear liquid mixed with melting ice, meets her previously so white and crisp shirt immediately soaking it - there’s no saving it.

“Oh, shit.” The stutter comes from the young man of the hour, someone Jake quickly recognizes at the loud and ruthless - and that’s coming from Jake - beat cop, Officer Miller. Jake finally snaps out of his daze, surprise and disbelief having him thrown completely off track. It’s then he really notices the look of horror on his partner’s half-drenched, very disappointed face, and even though he’s not to blame and it’s barely been ten seconds since the moment of collision, he wishes he’d reacted sooner.

“Oh my gosh,” Amy spits out, the sad remains of her drink plastered to her lower face and clothes.

“Fuck,” Miller adds another stutter to the list of pointless doings, right amidst the act of just standing there completely incapable of anything at all. From his point of view, Jake is witnessing the hopelessness play out before him -  Amy frozen, in shock, and Miller simply staring in disbelief at the consequences of his own acts -  when he suddenly notices how the young officer’s eyes shamelessly wander, from where they were looking at Amy’s face, downwards. Why whould he-

Jake’s eyes trail along, ingeniously, but quickly fly back to where they were looking at the offender - this time with rage in them. Miller’s eyes are still gawking at one specific area on Amy: her torso where her previously nice, white shirt - one Jake can picture Amy spending hours ironing and being excited to wear - is now very much see-through.

“Hey, what the hell, man!”

Jake is by no means a violent person, nevertheless he can’t contain himself. Not when Amy is right before him looking like a lost puppy. He lightly punches the other man’s shoulder.

“What the hell, yourself! Don’t touch me!” Miller, having finally snapped out of his perverted daydream, defends himself and takes a threatening step towards Jake.

“Jake, it’s okay-” Just like all the seminars have taught her, Amy tries to interrupt the escalating conflict; one that’s somehow partly her fault but at the same time not at all. However, feeling very exposed, starting to feel anxious, she doesn’t force anything. Left to do is nothing but to stand back and watch Jake stand his ground - even when the younger but notably taller man steps up to him.

“How about you have some decency and apologize to my partner?”

Jake is enraged, obviously by the drink-incident itself, but mostly by the young officer’s disrespectful reaction that followed suit. On the occasion that he wouldn’t much rather use his energy on listening to and helping Amy then maybe, just maybe, he would’ve engaged further. Inside his head he counts down from ten, still glaring with fiery eyes at Miller, and not moving before he’s reached zero. As if on cue Amy breaks the silence.

“Jake… Let it go. It was an accident.”

She’s too good for her own self, he thinks. Her voice is shaky, not disturbingly so but just enough to get Jake to turn around, and his reasoning is confirmed: his energy and time is better spent helping her, however he can. The crowd around them has once again started buzzing, as if nothing ever happened, and the only thing Jake has eyes for is Amy and the distressing way in which she has her arms crossed before her in an attempt to hide herself. Her body’s posture obviously translates to her facial features, the anxiety starting to show, so of course Jake wastes no time; without further hesitation, he pulls off his iconic blue hoodie and makes sure to help it onto her, shielding her from the rest of the party. Once in a while he throws a glance at her face, and he can tell the very second it hits her that he must’ve seen it too since he knows what’s going on.

“Don’t worry about it. Except for that idiot, no one saw anything. Don’t think about it… Okay?” He reassures her, hopefully putting her mind at ease, and makes sure to catch her eyes before continuing. Hopefully she believes him.  

“Thank you,” she whispers as they stand face to face while Jake makes sure his hoodie is covering her properly. He wants to smile, be the good in her dreadful situation, but still feeling too pissed he can only muster a nod before he wraps a protective arm around her shoulder. “Come with me, Amy. Lets go fix this.” It’s his way of telling her to come with him, that she can trust him and that he’ll take care of it. He can feel her follow him, thus guiding her to the elevator.

❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄

Still in a somewhat trance-like state, Amy lets Jake guide her, arm safely around her shoulder and small-talking to keep her calm, down the dimly lit hall of the basement and into the Nine-Nine’s men’s locker room. Her soaked shirt has slowly started soaking through Jake’s hoodie, the wet tips of Amy’s hair dripping onto it as well, and there’s a very good reason Jake has brought her where he has. He doesn’t waste a second and gently sits her down on the bench in the middle of the many lockers.

“Just sit tight, Ames. I’m going to fix this.”

She nods instead of breaking her silence, still feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the embarrassing situation which has unfortunately triggered an anxious part of her that she most of the time can keep in check. Alas this situation was too much, understandably so, and all she has to cling onto is her partner rummaging rather aimlessly through what she hopes is his locker. Must be; the inside of the door is covered in a Die Hard poster, and Amy feels herself smile a bit at the sight. That is so very Jake Peralta. Even more so when, during the intense search, all kinds of random items accidently fall out of the locker. Everything from packs of gum and old receipts to DVDs and lonely socks.

“Aha! Knew I had it in here!”

Jake pulls a chequered item from the depths of his - very messy, Amy can’t help but shudder - locker before turning to her with a wide, proud smile that lets her know: mission accomplished. He puts a red flannel on display for her and his smile never falters. “On top of being clean and warm it’s also red. Very christmassy, Santiago.”

“Have you just… always had that in there?”

“Probably since I transferred here,” Jake chuckles as he throws all the things that fell out during his search for the flannel back into the chaos of the locker. “Red is not my best color, so I just keep it in there in case I need a change of clothes…” he trails off as if he’s considering his next move, then his head whips around to look at her. “... Or, like, in case my best friend is in trouble. Might not be up to Santiago-standards but I promise it isn’t gross or anything.”

Amy can’t fight it as tiny butterflies break free in her stomach at the sight of her caring partner, someone she could potentially see as more but alas she’ll never say out loud, send her that small, mischievous yet shy smile of his. Instead of saying anything, too baffled to say anything coherent, her eyes will secretly sparkle and heart do a double take. A joke can perhaps do the job, she thinks, hating how Jake-like she’s become over the years.

“Best friend? I don’t see Boyle in here.”

“What a silly thing to say, Santiago.” Having stuffed all of his randomness back into the locker, he turns back to look at her. “You know very well that you’re my best friend, too.”

Silence, more intense than their usual comfortable ones, fall over them as their eyes stay in touch. It’s as if someone’s supposed to say something, supposed to confess, but nothing of that nature presents itself. Instead Jake clears his throat.

“Now take your wet shirt off and put this on.” He hands her the flannel and for a second their eyes lock again. She takes it from him and keeps their eyes locked, for just a second too long as if she’s trying to communicate through the stare. A tension, one made of something unspoken, once again connects them. Too bad Jake’s quick to divert the situation by clearing his throat, she think, even though she also knows he’s right.

“Uhm, so yeah… Put that on and I’ll wait outside. There’s another hoodie in my locker, uhm on top, if you’re still cold.”

“T-thanks, Jake.”

A small smile is sent her way before he disappears out into the hall and closes the door, allowing Amy to let out a deep breath. Damn Jake Peralta for being so amazing.

❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄

“Tadaaa.”

Jake’s head flies up, from where he was looking down at his phone, to witness a sight he definitely shouldn’t be loving as much as the butterflies in his stomach tell him he certainly does. There’s apparently something about Amy Santiago in his flannel and hoodie that does something to him; sweaty palms, speeding heartbeat and all that jazz.

“How do I look?”

Beautiful. He thinks but doesn’t say it out loud. There’s a teasing glint in his partner’s eyes, one he wants to fall and dive right into so badly, but he’s too aware to give into it. Amy does a pageant twirl and it couldn’t be timed any better, Jake thinks: it’s the perfect occasion for him to throw in a joke and break the spell that he seems to be under.

“Stunning,” he jokes and prays to some higher power that it’s enough to drench them in that never-that-serious, goofy energy they seem to be all about, even after the most serious and intense moments. “Like looking at myself in the mirror.”

She scrunches her nose and smiles, a face she always makes when he says something funny, and Jake doesn’t complain. “Ouch.” She says, pretend-hurt.

“Hey! I’m very handsome, thank you very much…”

“Whatever.” She shakes her head. “Thank you, by the way.”

“Don’t mention it.” He smiles, genuinely as only he can, and Amy wants to thank him for so much more than just tonight. She wants to thank him for always being on her side, always making her feel good in every situation imaginable, even the bad ones, and she wants to thank him for truly being her best friend. That would come off as a very emotionally loaded confession though, so instead she bites her lip.

“Anyways… I think I’m gonna head home. I’m not really feeling like going back there.” She confesses.

All at once the light and cheery Amy, the Amy that jokes and rolls her eyes at him, seems to be switched off and once again replaced by the hesitant Amy he rarely sees. The few times he has witnessed said hesitant and insecure Amy, without hesitation or questions, he feels a somewhat irrational need to help her, take care of the thorn in her side, whatever that might be. Although now, with a girlfriend, one that isn’t Amy, weighing down on his conscience, he isn’t quite sure of how to act. The thought of her sitting at home all alone while he and everyone at the Nine-Nine parties doesn’t fall on fertile ground. No way he’s just letting her walk out.

“I’ll head upstairs with you and grab my coat, say goodbye to the squad, and then I’ll be off before I can embarrass myself again.”

“Ames!”

Barely turned on her heels, Jake is significantly faster and manages to block her way to the elevator. In the depth of his brown eyes Amy, surprised to say the least, can see something unravelling. She’s frozen on the spot where he cut her off.

“Jake?”

“Stay? We can have a fun night without going back up to the party.” He flashes a shy smile that reminds her of the kind she and her brothers always used to flash at their mother whenever they knew they were bargaining for an unreasonable cause. Much like that Jake Peralta is indeed a child disguised as a grown man.  

“Stay?” There’s that stupid cute frown of hers again, he thinks and he actually isn’t quite sure of the answer. Jake had a bad case of blurting out ideas before being fully sure of what said idea fully was, and this was no exception. All he knew was that Amy couldn’t leave to be alone; he couldn’t have her spend the night doing nothing.

“Uh- I… That’s not what I meant.” It kind of actually was, but he can’t force her to stay if she wants to go, which genuinely seems to be her preferred plan. “Let me follow you home - at least.” Nice save, he thinks to himself.

Her frown slowly melts away like snow on a spring day and, if he isn’t completely delusional, Jake can see a small smile rise on her lips instead and his new idea is actually a good one.

“I would lov-” her voice hitches in her throat when she accidently looks right back into her partner's eyes, momentarily thrown off track, but in true Santiago-style she makes a quick comeback. Keeps the feelings abay and packed away like a pro. “That would be nice, Jake. Thank you”.

“Cool cool cool.” Skin against skin can be heard rubbing against each other, an unusual sound, and it confuses Amy for a second until she notices that Jake’s palms are rubbing against each other. A nervous mannerism on his part that has Amy wonder why . Not for too long though. Jake is quick to save himself.  

“Let me go grab our things upstairs. We can meet on the first floor. I’ll tell everyone you feel sick.”

“Thanks, Jake. My coat is-”

“Navy blue, gold buttons and black handbag. Got it.”

So far from a question as could be, a sentence that is more matter of factly than most things Jake says, Amy can only go silent and nod in agreement. The man is very right, after all and she feels fuzzy at how seamlessly it fell from his lips. They enter the elevator in a comfortable silence and after having stepped off on the first floor, Amy can only smile to herself as she sees the elevator doors close between her and what is probably the best partner in the world. Best friend, she corrects herself, reminiscing about Jake’s words from down in the locker room.

❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄

Snow crunches under their feet, the white powder covering every street in Brooklyn, and tonight the otherwise hectic city looks abnormally peaceful. Amidst the winter wonderland, two figures make their way through the drizzling snowfall, both imagining that this is the way things, perhaps, could and should be. Alone, together the two of them, in the world.

Turns out that focusing on the story Amy is currently telling is, even though very interesting, very hard when snowflakes caught in her hair makes it look all glittery and pretty. Also soft, he thinks, and he hates that he wonders what it would feel like to run his fingers through it. Maybe as they were snuggled up on their couch, under blankets, as they watched those stupid Christas movies that he knows she loves. This trail of thoughts is a dangerous one, he’s aware. Luckily Amy herself comes to his rescue, her laughter shattering whatever parallel universe his mind was forming. Of course he laughs along even though he can safely say that he doesn’t know what he’s laughing at. Alone the sound of her laugh is enough to make him want to join. She’s contagious like that - in every way imaginable.

“Hey, Jake?”

She stops and him likewise. “Yeah?”

He turns around to catch her looking longingly at the building they’re currently in front of; a nicely decorated little café. “This place has the best cocoa. Wanna get some? My treat - now that you’re missing out on the party because of me.” She looks back at her partner for some kind of approval, shyly tugging her hair behind her ears in the process and there’s no way Jake can say no - even if he wanted to. The light coming from the café creates an aura-like effect around her figure and Jake swears to himself that she’s an actual angel.

“Sounds good. Mostly because you’re paying,” he manages to snap out of his daydream just in time to come off as nonchalant, teasing, and the two enter the warmth of the café. Inside it’s buzzing with families and couples celebrating the season in each other’s company, and Jake briefly wonders if that will ever be him sitting with a toddler in his lap, allowing it to taste its first hot cocoa as him and the mother witness it with wide smiles on their faces? And with who? Sophia, maybe? Or maybe- no. Definitely can’t go there.

“Two hot dark chocolate with marshmallows, please.”

“Dark?” Jake frowns suddenly back in present time where Amy has made it her task to order their drinks.

“Yeah, they have different kinds but the dark is the best. Trust me.”

“With my life.”

They share a smile and to everyone else in that room, or at least the ones that care enough to pay attention, they could be a couple - foolishly into each other. Before they know it they’re back outside in the cold, although they quickly forget as their respective cups of cocoa warms their hands, and soon after reach Amy’s apartment building. It feels like forever since they left the precinct, when actually, Jake notices when he checks his phone, it’s only been about an hour. Darkness does that to his already questionable sense of time.

His deed is done, he knows; Amy is home safe, and he can head back to the precinct and party with a bunch of people he doesn’t really care about. Or at least cares just a bit less about than Amy. Suddenly the urge to party, act like an idiot and get drunk surely doesn’t sound tempting - at all. Maybe it’s the few hours he’s spent hanging out alone with Amy; perhaps it’s the taste of dark hot cocoa stuck on his tongue, the one he’d moaned about “indeed being the best he’d ever had” just minutes ago… He can’t figure it out but something from within the last two hours has him hating the thought of being anywhere else but here with Amy. If he asked her to hang out outside in the snow, he would.

“So... “ Amy breaks the silence. “Thanks for walking me home… And the shirt and hoodie.You’ll have it back, washed and everything, tomorrow. Promise.”

Consistent as always, Jake thinks and smiles with amusement radiating from his eyes. “Yeah, I’m really going to need that back asap. It’s not like I have the exact same outfit, like times ten, at home… Like some cartoon animal.”

She laughs, throwing her head back and Jake feels the snow beneath him melt.

“Good to know.” She straightens back up, arms crossed to keep her warm, even though Jake is certain her smile must radiate enough warmth to keep them both warm.

“No worries.”

Silence swallows them and all there is to be heard is the sound of the forever and always buzzing Brooklyn; cars, people yelling, jingle bells, dogs barking and everything that makes Brooklyn oh so very Brooklyn.

“Sooo…” Amy shuffles on the spot nervously creating small patterns in the before solid snow. “Are headed back to the party? I bet Charles misses you.”

They share a chuckle, both well-knowing she isn’t joking.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right but... “ He hesitates to say it, nervously biting his lip as the hands in his pocket’s shuffle around for nothing at all. “I don’t think I’m gonna head back. I’m just gonna head home. Everyone’s probably all buzzed by now and I don’t think I’m up for the challenge of catching up.”

“Oh… I- uhm-”

The shuffling only grows worse and it’s as if the young woman can’t find peace, bit by bit aggravating the guilt she’s suddenly feeling - a guilt he’d never intended her to feel. “Jake, I’m so sorry if you felt like you had to skip the party to follow me home. You should've just stayed behind and had fun with everyone. I would’ve been just fin-”

“Ames.” He gently grabs her by the upper arms, stopping her from spiralling completely. “Shut up.” He makes sure to smile when he says it. “I’ve had way more fun hanging out with you than I would’ve with those bazillion strangers back at the precinct.”

He can feel her shoulders drop, relaxing, before she flashes back a smile. A snowflake lands on the very tip of her nose and Jake smiles even wider. Little does she know why. “First of all: bazillion is not a real number. Second of all: if it was then I don’t think that many people work at our precinct,” she argues with a glimt in her eye that matches the snowflakes on her face.

“How can you know if bazilion is not an actual number? A bazillion might be like.. 85?” He tilts his head in that challenging way he always does when he knows he’s got a point.

Silence.

“You might be one of the Nine-Nine’s best detectives but, my God,I swear sometimes you’re so stupid,” she finishes with an affectionate chuckles.

“No doubt.”

They both laugh it off and it’s so them, they both can’t help but think.

“Anyways… Feel free to say no, but wanna come up? We can finish our cocoas and watch a Christmas movie, maybe?”

There’s nothing he’d rather do. Without a doubt.

“I would like that.”

“Okay then,” she agrees and unlocks the door to her building. “I’m not watching ‘Die Hard’ though.”

“Aw, come on, Ames!” he whines.

“It’s not a Christmas movie and if you try to convince me otherwise, then I will prove you wrong. I have a list of arguments saved on my phone - solely for this very occasion.”

“Challenge accepted!”

They end up watching ‘Home Alone’ instead, huddled up on Amy’s couch with each their blanket and hot cocoa, a friendly distance between them, of course, and if you were to ask them, they both had the best Christmas party-evening. They laugh their way through the movie and each other’s company, no complications in sight, and how they both wish, deep down, that everyday could be like this.

The end. 

❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄

[yandere-society]

Day 11 | Santa Tell Me

Synopsis: You’ve always been strangely scared of Santa as a child. The thought of a stranger in heavy boots breaking into your home and rummaging through your stuff has always terrified you. And you felt that terror right now, in this instant, as you laid there with two men in bright green suits hovering over your pretend-sleeping form.

The 12 Days of Black Christmas Event Masterlist

Pairing: Vmin x Female Reader

Admin: @roses-ruby​​

Trigger warnings: Yandere themes, bad crack, attempted kidnapping, stalking, stupid jokes, joke about religion, swearing, bad mouthing Santa 

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

You really hated Christmas.

You hated everything that had to do with Christmas. All the sugary deserts, the unhealthy binging, the fake family bonding and seasonal depression longing. The freezing weather that froze your toes and pipes, the blinding red and greens, otherwise known as holiday delights. The overzealous consumerism around every corner, the empty materialism that gave everyone boners. The deforestation and self-righteousness, the ugly sweaters and proud religious mess. You hated Christmas and its warping spider’s net and all the very, merry, happy, holy, holly, jolly shit that went along with it.  

It wasn’t like you ever had a good Christmas to change your mind. When you were six, every girl at school had the brand-new light up Princess Dolly sneakers for Christmas but thanks to your skinflint of a dad, you got the direct knock off; Princess Polly sneakers. Polly with a PUH. They didn’t even fucking light up. To this day you get nightmares from the bullying. At 15, you got typhoid fever before the big ski vacation and while everyone else got to go have the time of their life, you were stuck rotting at home with your weird cousin Sigil who collected the dead skins from snake sheds. And just last year, at an unbearably boring office party, your ex best friend and crush made out under the mistletoe for 15. Whole. Minutes. Last you heard of them, they were engaged.

Let’s not even start about your irrational fear of Santa Claus. Every bad Christmas could be traced back to him. You cried the first time you heard your dad describe the bearded old man. Your reaction confused the hell out of him but to you, he was the strange one. What kind of parent allows an overgrown, capitalist bear man who dresses in red and brainwashes elf and reindeer to come into their home using the chimney and spy on their kids throughout the whole year? Was he a sadist? When you were younger, you would wet the bed just thinking of him stomping around your house in the dark. Safe to say, you never left him any cookies. Now, you’re just glad you grew out of the phase of believing in such a horrid creature like Santa Claus. Finally, you could sleep happy knowing that no one would sneak into your house in the middle of the night.

So, while we’re on that topic…who exactly were the two men whispering in the dark inside your room if it’s definitely not Santa?

“We have to quickly get back before he notices we’re missing. QUICKLY, Taehyung.”

“I know, I know. Let me just untangle this rope, Jimin.”

Who the fuck were Taeyoong and Jimmy and what the fuck were they doing in your house? That’s what you were thinking as you laid on your bed pretending to be asleep, absolutely still in the complete dark. Of course, you had a break in on the night of Christmas because why the fuck not. What made you think this one year, your Christmas day would turn out okay?

You were stuck even further because you lost the window of opportunity to wake up and startle the intruders and perhaps scream for help because since the moment they snuck in (3 minutes ago) you did nothing but lay there listening to their banter like the idiot you are. Maybe you could pretend all their ‘noise’ woke you up, but then again you weren’t too fond of your acting skills.

But honestly, who were they? What did they want? Why did they keep mentioning returning before this ‘he’ found out they were gone?

As you were pondering your crisis, someone blew straight into your ear. You shot up from the bed with a scream and immediately turned on the lamp beside you. Two men in strange green tunics and stockings, pointy ears, and tall hats with a bell stare back at you with an equally horrified expression.

They were dressed up as…elves?

“See, I told you she was awake.” The one on your right, resembling a small animal, possibly the bastard who blew in your ear, chirps.

“Wow, you really do have night vision, Jiminie.” The taller one behind the edge of your bed, the one holding a rope says, while staring at you in a daze.

“Who the fuck are you both? How did you get in? What do you want?” You shout, bringing your comforter to your chest.

All they do is stare at you with lovesick eyes to which you scowl. Hold on, why were your potential murderers so hot?

“_-___,” The one on the right calls you carefully. He had round and soft features with a sharp jaw. Slender eyes and bright pink hair matching his rosy cheeks on his otherwise cute pale face. “It’s an honor to finally meet you…my name is J-Jimin.”

“I’m Taehyung.” You turn to the man with the rope. His features were extremely well proportioned and downright lethal. A devilishly handsome face, beautiful golden skin and dark brown mopy hair. He appeared and sounded like a mature sugar daddy but stared at you like a 12-year-old pervert.

You sat silent after the two men’s greetings. What were you supposed to say after intruders introduced themselves? Nice to meet you? And how did they know your name?

“…O-Okay…Jimin, Taehyung…why are you in my house.”

“We’re here to kidnap you.” Jimin smiles, his eyes turning into crescents.

“E…Excuse me?”

“Yeah! We’re here because we love you and we want you for ourselves, so we have to take you from your home.” Taehyung says, stretching the rope in his hands.

“WHAT?” You couldn’t believe your ears. Did you perhaps start hallucinating after your edible once again? Because that would explain this crazy ass dream you were having right now. Since when did you have an elf kink though?

“So you see,” Jimin begins walking to stand beside Taehyung so now they were both in front of you, “We’re Santa’s elves. We were the ones assigned to watch over you, see if you were naughty or nice.”

“Pfft, you’re very naughty~” Taehyung giggles, blushing like crazy. You raise an eyebrow at him.

“And over the years,” Jimin continues, “We came to fall in love with you to the point of obsession. So now we want to kidnap you and take you to the north pole where we three will live in a polyamorous relationship and only me and Taehyung will get to be with you.”

“We’ll fuck every day.” Taehyung chimes in proudly, earning a smack to the back of his head from Jimin who mutters ‘not yet.’

“Ahahaha, what Taehyung meant was…of course any sexual relationship would be consensual. No means no, after all.” Jimin winks awkwardly

You just sat there, mouth wide open as your brain refused to process all the information that was just presented to you. So not only were your intruders dressed up as elves, but they were also clinically insane.

“I’m calling the cops.”

“W-wait! We can prove it to you!” Jimin jumps, rushing back to your side. “When you were 10, you really wanted a MayaMaya doll collection set didn’t you? You didn’t tell your dad about it because you thought he would get you the knock off; the Papaya doll collection. It was the first and only time you were okay with Santa coming into your house, so you didn’t even set the bear trap in the fireplace like you did every year.”

He was right. What the fuck.

“W…how did you know that?”

“We saw you.” Jimin says, eyes soft and smile tender, “You were wishing so earnestly that Christmas Eve, it almost made me cry.”

“W…wait so…Santa is real?”

“Of course.” They sang in unison

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, time out.” You huff, “He’s been real this whole time, yet he’s never gotten me what I wanted for Christmas?”

“Oh, my love.” Taehyung strides up and sits on your side of the bed, taking your hand in his. “It was out of our hands…we tried to get you on the nice list, but he could sense your bad vibes…also I’m pretty sure he was salty you never left him cookies. He is sort of petty.”

“So you’re telling me that hippy bitch Claire really did deserved that large purple dollhouse more than me?”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, she hasn’t been on the nice list for a long time now…all she asks for are sex toys.” Taehyung stares off into the distance.

“How long have ya’ll been watching me?”

“We are supposed to stop once a kid doesn’t believe in Santa anymore...but we were just always rooting for you. Before we knew it, we were watching you way into adulthood...and then slowly we started falling in love with you.” Jimin blushes

“...Have ya’ll seen me-”

“Naked? No...but we really want to.” Taehyung bites his bottom lip.

“I can’t believe this…” You groan, placing a palm over your forehead.

“Hey now, Jesus didn’t die today for you to be full of despair.” The taller elf rubs your hand with his thumb

“No, you idiot. He was born today…I think.” Jimin tsks

“Oh…well the point still stands. Don’t be sad my love. We never want you to have a bad Christmas again.”

“Anyway, we should hurry before Santa notices we abandoned him. That ass-kisser Jin also tagged along so we don’t have to worry too much about our portion of the presents since he would love to show off how competent he is to Santa all by himself. We can just say we ran a bit late because some kid almost woke up.” Jimin tells Taehyung to which he nods, getting his rope ready.

Oh right, this was a kidnapping. You forgot.

“___, just stay perfectly still and we’ll easily load you into the bottom of Santa’s gift sack. That thing is huge, no one will notice but us.”

“Guys, wait.” You say to which they freeze. “Let me think about this.”

They look at you with pleading puppy dog eyes and you start to contemplate it. Should you go with the two elves that barged into your house and tried to kidnap you and possibly turn you into a sex slave?

…

What were the pros and cons?

If you go to the North Pole, you’d basically be stuck with everything you hate about Christmas all year round. But could it be that bad seeing how smoking these two elves were? They could easily keep you warm. Were all elves this hot? Wait…could Santa possibly be hot? Your mouth watered thinking about it. Is this an enemies to lovers AU after all?

Whatever it was, it was interesting and more importantly you had a lot of unfinished business with the man in red. You could see it now, forming a mutiny with all the elves. Killing Claus and taking over his empire. Then it would be you who rules Christmas and boy, do you have a few changes you wanted to make like the beginning of this story states. Finally, all your wishes will come true. This time you WILL get the light up Princess Dolly sneakers and MayaMaya doll collection set.

And so, with a sinister plot forming in your head, you smile at the two eager elves in front of you.

“Alright boys, let’s go.”

Maybe this Christmas won’t be so bad after all.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Magnolia

I don’t know much about Magnolia or Paul Thomas Anderson, but I do know that it takes someone paying me to get me to watch a 3-hr+ drama that doesn’t star Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and a really big boat. This is one of my mom’s favorite movies which is why she requested it for me to review. It’s packed with a balls-to-the-wall star-studded cast (Tom Cruise! Julianne Moore! Phillip Seymour Hoffman! John C. Reilly! William H. Macy! Felicity Huffman!) and I’m genuinely excited to see how they all fit together. Cause they have to all fit together in some coherent way, right? Well...

Do you remember in Sorry to Bother You when the Equisapiens came out and things just took like...a real turn? That’s kind of what this was like. Whereas StBY pushed a thought to its most extreme, but logical, conclusion, what Paul Thomas Anderson has done here feels like a magician doing a lot of impressive illusions - sawing a lady in half, making a motorcycle disappear, pulling smaller things out of bigger things - and then for his final trick, walking onstage amidst a grand plume of smoke, dropping his pants, taking a gigantic shit, and then saying, “You’ve been a great audience, thanks a lot and goodnight!” It’s not like you can say the experience was BAD. Everything up to the finale was a really great time! But when you’re left on a note that is that bafflingly odd, it kinda colors the way you’ll remember the whole thing.

Magnolia is the story of one long day in the life of 12 people living in Los Angeles who are all connected via an extensive web from acquaintances to married couples to parents and children to paid caregivers and beyond. It’s a day that has the same kind of ups and downs as any other day until it, well, turns into something else entirely. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but if you want to know more, spoilers will be spoiled below.

Some thoughts:

Patton Oswalt cameo! I am a massive fan and thought I knew his whole filmography and OMG how did I not know that he was in this!!

Ok, in spite of my skepticism this entire opening sequence about coincidence had me hooked IMMEDIATELY. Like, this is some damn good storytelling, if this were a novel, I would not be able to put it down - that pull, that’s what it feels like.

Am I the only person whose encyclopedic memory of character actors/roles gets distracted when they see someone from something that is wildly disparate compared to the role you’re currently watching? For example, I had to pause the movie and confirm via IMDB that I did just see Professor Sprout from HP scream “Shut the fuck up!” at her husband while brandishing a shotgun.

Would people really recognize a grown ass man from being a successful child game show contestant? I’ll tell you the answer, no they wouldn’t, because no one realizes that Peter Billingsley (aka Ralphie from A Christmas Story) is the head of the elf production line in Elf.

I knew this was a stacked cast, but holy SHIT this is a stacked cast. If I had $1 for every fantastic character actor I recognize in this, I would have at least $37, and these are people in the film who have maybe 2-3 lines each. It’s a deep bench is what I’m saying.

This makes me miss Phillip Seymour Hoffman so, so very much.

Watching PSH care for and be so compassionate and gentle with his hospice patient, Earl (Jason Robards),makes my heart ache terribly. All of the people who have been unable to perform this kindness, this type of compassionate care for their closest loved ones as they lie dying in isolation of Covid...it’s overwhelming.

OMG I’m counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Very Good Dogs in the old man’s house!

I know Scientology is evil and he’s undeniably a complicated and morally grey person. I know all that. But goddamn I just love watching Tom Cruise COMMIT. Particularly when he commits to just absolute fucking sleazebag slimeballs. And boy oh boy is Frank Mackey an absolute fucking sleazebag slimeball.

Related - I know Frank looks like Tom Cruise, so he could get people to sleep with him no matter what, but I honestly feel like as a human being, this flesh suit is WAY more attractive balding and fat in Tropic Thunder than he is in this shiny brown shirt/leather vest/long hair combo.

I’m getting an uncomfortable vibe about these black characters being written by an artsy white dude, because I don’t know any young black kids who want to hang around with cops and offer up information about who committed a murder in their building. In fact, the way all of the black characters are treated in this film - as liars, criminals, the disingenuous “main stream media,” and thieves - feels rooted in some racist ass bullshit. We see a lot of nuance in our white characters, but even in a film that has, shockingly, more than one key black role, we don’t get that spectrum or nuance.

There is nothing I would love more than to learn that Frank Mackey is 1) gay 2) impotent or 3) both. He’s so disgustingly over-the-top misogynistic, it honestly feels like it should all be a complete act.

I confess I am on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how all these narrative threads tie together. It’s compelling as hell, even though half the time I don’t know why these people are having these long, meandering conversations. The pacing feels so deliberate, like a puzzle coming together. There’s real craftsmanship in how every scene is plotted to feel connected rather than manic or disjointed.

This pharmacist is being unprofessional as hell. Judgy McJudgerson, mind your fucking business, Julianne Moore’s father is dying! [ETA: ope, that’s embarrassing, Earl is actually her husband.]

NO THE DOG IS EATING THE PILLS OH NO VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE DOG.

I think I knew this, but this soundtrack is fantastic. All Aimee Mann and Supertramp, and Jon Brion’s score is this thrumming, anxious thing full of strings that underscore all these nervous conversations, and then it shifts into these low, mournful horns when things start to take a turn and everyone is reaching their lowest points.

I love this interviewer (April Grace) who is taking Frank (Tom Cruise) to task. I think it’s particularly noteworthy that she is a black woman, because the kind of misogyny Frank peddles is rooted in white supremacy.

Stanley (Jeremy Blackman) is breaking my goddamn heart here. I think he and Phil (PSH) are my favorite characters.

Jim (John C Reilly) is the perfect example of how even a cop with the best intentions, with absolute kindness and love is in heart, is abusing his power and sexually harassing a woman he encountered in the line of duty, who is eager to appease him because she doesn’t want to be charged with a crime. This movie reads a LOT differently than it did in 1999.

I normally really love Julianne Moore, but she is a screeching mess in this. I can’t stop staring at her mouth and all the contortions it makes as she delivers every line in hysterics. She’s one of the few weak spots for me here.

Listening to Frank go on his whole diatribe about what society does to little boys to break them and victimize them HAS to be the source of where Keith Raniere got at least half of his NXIVM bullshit. Like, some of these points are word-for-word.

Also if Frank makes as much money as he seems to, there’s no way he would drive a shitty Saturn sedan.

It feels like the common thread of this movie is everyone is terrible and cheats on their spouses, and you should come clean when you get cancer so you can die peacefully. Weird moral, but ok.

If Jim is a cop, how does he not see that this woman he’s interested in (Melora Walters) is coked out of her mind?

Y’know for being a quiz kid, Donnie (William H. Macy) sure is kinda stupid.

I confess I’m not taking many notes throughout this because I’m just kind of sitting breathlessly still watching all these conversations unfold because I am on the edge of my fucking seat to find out how all this is gonna come together.

Secret MVP of this movie is the mom from A Christmas Story (Melinda Dillon) who is giving the performance of her goddamn life as Jimmy Gator’s wife.

Did I Cry? On the surface it appears ridiculous, but when Tom Cruise is having his breakdown at his dying father’s bedside, I admit, that really got me. If you’ve ever been faced with that kind of hysterical, I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening, it feels like the whole world is ending kind of shock and hurt and anger, that’s what the crying looks like.

Are those......frogs?? That landed on Jim’s car? It’s raining fucking frogs???? OK for those of you sensitive to frog harm, this movie is going to take a real hard left turn for you, because I swear that came out of NOWHERE.

Um.

What.

Pray tell.

The fuck.

The climax of this movie - is when literal frogs rain from the sky.

And we finally got resolution about the dog, and the dog DID die, and I’m pissed about it. It’s offscreen but still.

I'm sorry - I know I’m fixating. But how is it possible that I knew about all the characters performing a sing-along to Aimee Mann’s (excellent) song “Wise Up” but I did NOT know that the climax of the film involves literally thousands of frogs falling to their death from the sky? How is that something that escapes entry into the cultural zeitgeist? I’m with it, you guys. I have been Very Online for over a decade, and before that, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly, and like it just seems that this is something that pop culture really should have told me.

I think the funniest moment of this movie might be the credits in which I discovered that not only is Luis Guzman playing a man named Luis, he’s actually playing himself. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop laughing about it. That was a 189-minute setup to one dumb punchline.

I think I loved this movie but I don’t quite know. The frog thing really threw me. What I’m taking away from it is that even when it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it, we are all connected to each other, always, in ways we can’t see or know. As Wife astutely pointed out, it’s reminiscent of the pandemic - we’re all in the same storm, but we each have our own boats and our own experiences within that storm. And it’s kind of nice to remember that right now, that connection still exists even when it feels so far away. Just not if you’re a frog I guess, cause they really got the short end of the stick here.

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[spn-meanttobe]

Summaries Part One [1-50]

Claiming Info -- FAQs/Rules The first Claims post will be a separate post going up on Saturday, November 7th at 12 pm EST. The second Claims post will be a separate post going up on Sunday, November 8th at 12 pm EST.

1. A Cowboy's Touch Abigail Jones intends to spend just one summer in middle-of-nowhere Montana with her Aunt Lucy. Time away from her job is just what Abigail needs to reassess her life. The slow pace has her breathing deeply for the first time in years. And the majestic scenery encourages her to get reacquainted with herself... and God. What she didn't count on was the handsome widowed cowboy who owns the ranch where her aunt lives. When the rancher loses his daughter's nanny, Abigail decides to lend a hand for the summer. Wade Ryan can't help being attracted to Abigail. But he's given up everything to protect his daughter, and he's not about to risk it all on a pretty face. 2. A Different Kind of Man Emalea LeBlanc is a different kind of woman. Nicknamed "Doc" by the locals, she's a psychologist, a member of the volunteer search and rescue team and an avid motorcycle enthusiast. But she's haunted by memories of an abusive father and relationships with men who haven't been much better. What she needs is a different kind of man. Someone she can trust. Someone who won't hurt her. Jackson Cooper is the new investigator in Cypress Landing, and Emalea believes she knows his type – big, strong, overbearing. Dangerous. But Jackson has a tragic past of his own. And he's not exactly the kind of man he appears to be…. 3. A Forever Kind of Cowboy She wasn't the kind of woman who would spend the night with a stranger, yet runaway bride Lori Ashford shared one night and so much more with sexy Cord McVane. The innocent beauty had only come to Cord's isolated cabin seeking shelter, but when her rugged protector showed her a passion like no other, she was lost. For Lori had long dreamed of sharing her heart with a strong, honorable man – a man like Cord. And now that she was carrying his child, she hoped this brooding loner could forget his painful past and be her forever man. 4. A Little Christmas Romance There's no such thing as second chances, and Brooke would know. This Christmas will be spent alone and uncelebrated, same as the last. It doesn't matter that she's a disgruntled mall elf, standing next to a chimney-scented Santa with the most annoying co-worker ever. It doesn't make Christmas more magical. It's just another day to endure, and the holiday can't pass fast enough. That is, until her old flame, Chris, spots her. After taking a picture with Brooke in her elf costume, things take an unexpected turn. Maybe getting through the night won't be so difficult after all. 5. A Voice in the Dark No one knew what Noah Graydon looked like, but they'd all heard the rumors. How he'd been broken, even scarred, on his last case. How he never showed his face…until the day he took an overwhelming interest in one very special agent. Angel Carter would have been a serial killer's next victim if not for Noah. The rescue gave her a glimpse into his world of shadows – yet she dared to want more. To really know if the passion between them was real. They would have to come face-to-face if the killer was to be caught – and Noah could only conceal his body from Angel for so long... 6. Abby and the Bachelor Cop Bride-to-be Abigail Callahan has her life mapped out. Good career, wealthy fiancé – it's perfect... too perfect. Then sexy bad-boy-turned-cop Raff Finn reenters Abby's life, landing her with an adorable homeless dog called Kleppy and a whole lot of trouble... Raff's teenage recklessness once broke them apart, but he's not about to let his childhood sweetheart marry the wrong guy. With help from Kleppy and some Banksia Bay magic, Raff plans to reawaken the Abby he's always loved. 7. After Dark When a shocking scandal exposes southern secrets... As the blazing heat of summer gives way to sultry September, a shroud of suspicion settles over Noble's Crossing, a sleepy Alabama town. Nothing is as it seems--and never will be again. Lane Noble Graham stands accused of murdering her ex-husband. And the one man who can help, Johnny Mack Cahill, vowed never to return to the town that scorned him--or the woman whose love he knew he didn't deserve. ...No one is safe from cold-blooded murder. From the rusted-out trailers on the wrong side of the river to the stately pillared mansions along Magnolia Avenue, everybody has something to hide--but one secret could make Lane and Johnny Mack the next targets of a twisted killer, who's struck once and is bent on striking again... 8. Alena The wild heart of a warrior beat in the breast of Alena, daughter to a queen and mother to a king. A Celtic princess, she resolved never to bend to Roman rule. But how could she foresee that the iron fist of Rome would stoke her soul with the velvet glove of passion. Marcus Valerius, Prefect of the Seventh Legion, had proven himself many times over in combat. Now newly come to Britannia, he would ensure the peace – despite the wiles of a tall, tawny-haired barbarian goddess with witchcraft in her lips! 9. Bayou Whispers Plagued by nightmares and fractured memories, Laura Larame returns to her childhood home in the Louisiana bayou, where her mother vanished and she almost drowned. She searches for answers with the handsome Creole who saved her once before. A man who holds the dark magic that isn't finished with her yet. Since childhood, Drew Michel has seen death and the spirits who walk the halls of his family’s ancestral home, and they are warning him—Laura will die. Deep in the swamp, an ancient ritualistic clan is planning to claim her life. Can he defeat the evil that demands her blood and save the woman he has grown to love, or will the bayou claim them both in a demon’s ultimate sacrifice? 10. Big Girls Don't Cry Thanks to a devastating revelation about her husband, Reenie Holbrook's once-perfect marriage is over. For eleven years she had the life she wanted--and now it's gone. Reenie decides that the first step in recovering from her ordeal is to find work; after all, she has three young children to support. She's thrilled when she lands a job at Dundee High teaching history--until Isaac Russell, the man who triggered the unraveling of her marriage, accepts a temporary position teaching science. Then she's tempted to quit. Reenie doesn't care if the whole town admires Isaac... and she won't admit that, secretly, she admires him, too. She doesn't want to see him or his sister in "her" town. But a friendship with the most unlikely woman leads to a relationship with the most unlikely man.. 11. Boss Man The permanent temporary... Blake Kemp was a man who knew his own mind and was as stubborn as the day is long in Jacobsville, Texas. As the town's leading lawyer, he had a reputation to uphold, and he didn't want the tender ministrations of his assistant to get in his way -- even if he desperately needed her, since those big boots of his did have a tendency to step on toes... So, of course, the boss man blew up at pretty, gentle Violet, for having the nerve to, of all things, step on his toes, causing her to leave him in a cloud of Texas dust. But being a smart as well as hardheaded man, Blake could soon see that without his guiding light, his life would be in darkness. Only one thing to do -- hire her back and make sure that business didn't mess with matters of the heart...on or off the job! 12. Bound to the Sicilian's Bed Rocco's outrageous proposition: His estranged wife will spend one final weekend in his bed! When Rocco's runaway wife asks for a divorce, the Sicilian billionaire seizes his chance! They've never discussed their painful past, but this is the perfect opportunity to get Nicole out of his system for good. He offers her a deal: if Nicole wants to move on with her life, she will be his one last time! 13. Brothers Without Borders For Avery Grey, life wasn't easy. He was smaller than most guys and nerdy, a real prize winner. And, as if this wasn't enough, he was gay and in love with the one person he knew it was wrong to desire. Rather than deal with the heartbreak, he chose to dedicate himself to medical school. Hunter Grey, the tough guy athlete tried to focus on everything other than the one person who caused the ache inside his heart. For years, he had managed to keep his secret locked up inside him. Although some of his teammates didn't know he was gay, this was the least of his worries. His biggest secret haunted him and had him waking up in the middle of the night soaked to the bone in sweat. The guilt and disgust within him tore him apart each day. When secrets are exposed, how will an unconventional love between brothers change the lives of these two men? Can their bond and love for each other survive and flourish, or will it ultimately rip them apart? 14. Claimed by a Vampire Beautiful and independent, writer Yvonne Dupuis is used to taking care of herself. But when she moves into her new apartment and senses a demon watching her every move, stalking her at every turn, she has no choice but to put her life in the hands of a dangerously sexy vampire. From the first whiff of Yvonne's intoxicating scent, Investigator Creed Preston knows his client has something to fear. Under Creed's protection, she will be drawn irresistibly in by his secrets and experience the sheer force of immortal desire. And not a moment too soon. For the evil hunting her isn't acting alone – and he won't stop until he claims her for his very own…. 15. Closer Encounters To Drew "The Riever" McDowell, this seemed like a fairly straightforward assignment: track down Tracy Brandt and find out her connection to a top secret mission. But when Drew finds her, he realizes Tracy has a mission of her own – solving the sixty-year-old murder of Trixie Halston, a mysterious, mesmerizing singer of the 1940s. In fact, Tracy's obsession with Trixie goes beyond interest – at times she actually seems to become Trixie. She goes from demure but contemporary woman to the brazen big band singer on a dime. And the scary thing is – Drew is falling hard. For both of them… 16. Club Arcana: Operation Janus Beneath librarian Angus McAslan's respectable demeanor thrums the heart of an adventurer. He dreams of traversing the globe, exploring ancient ruins, and discovering amazing scientific breakthroughs. And unbeknownst to even his dear devoted mother, he's just put the finishing touches on his own epic novel about a swashbuckler on Venus-- complete with illustrations! But after inadvertently reciting a summoning spell, Angus finds himself thrust into an adventure beyond even his own wildest imaginings. Suddenly, demon-possessed pupils try to kill him. Half-human creatures stalk him. His mother reveals herself as a witch, and his wizard uncle proclaims it high time Angus joins the family business. Complicating matters: the exquisitely handsome young man--bearing an uncanny resemblance to the aforementioned Venusian swashbuckler--sent by his uncle to collect Angus, and the suave, aristocratic warlock who materializes with dire warnings of a resurrected Elder God called Janus. 17. Dark Descent For each, there could be only one. They came from the darkest places: secluded monasteries, the Carpathian mountains, galaxies under siege. They were men with the blackest pasts--warriors, vampire monks, leaders of armies--but whose passions burned like dying stars. They had one purpose: to find those women who fulfilled them, completed them, and made them rage with a fire both holy and profane. They sought soul mates whose touch consumed them with desire, yet whose kisses refreshed like the coolest rain. And each man knew that for him there was only one true love--and in finding her, he would find salvation. 18. Dark Temptation Had special-effects genius Jason McLain really murdered his wife, as the tabloids claimed? Valerie Wiggins approached his spooky old house, hoping to convince him to help make their Halloween charity event truly frightening. But when he opened the door, her heart raced not with fright but sizzling arousal. Jason feared caring for Val would put her in danger, but could helping him face his demons silence her own? 19. Deadly Gamble Mojo's got an uncanny knack for winning at slots, but her home sweet home is Bad-Ass Bert's Biker Saloon. She'd love to go undercover with an irresistibly hot cop, but he's got baggage as big as his biceps. Mojo survived a mysterious childhood tragedy, but she's never quite figured out who she really is or how to get on with her life. Now the wisecracking Mojo is seeing ghosts – the ectoplasmic kind – and turning up baffling clues to her real identity. And she'll need all her savvy and strange new talent to keep someone from burying her – and the truth – for keeps. 20. Decadent Club Casablanca – an exclusive gentlemen's club where exotic hostesses cater to the every need of high-stakes gamblers, politicians and big-business execs. No rules apply. And no unescorted women are allowed. Ever. But Ally Danner has to get in – to rescue her sister from the club's obsessive owner, Jason Aragon. And undercover FBI agent Sam Sinclair is just the man to help her. In return she'll use her inside knowledge to get Sam the evidence he needs to put Jason away. Only, once they get caught up in the club's hedonistic allure, the only favors they end up trading are sensual…. 21. Deception Cove In the world of Harmony, Rainshadow Island is home to a mysterious preserve, secrets that have been kept for centuries, and a treasure worth killing for... As a light-talent, Alice North has the rare ability to make things disappear, including herself--a gift that comes in handy during her magic act with her dust bunny Houdini. Business mogul Drake Sebastian is day-blind, since his sight was nearly destroyed in a lab accident. But he's the one man who can see Alice when she disappears--and he needs her. On Rainshadow Island, two dangerous Old World crystals are missing, igniting a paranormal storm. Drake thinks Alice is the key to finding them, and proposes they head there, but only after a Marriage of Convenience. Alice's honeymoon on Rainshadow is guaranteed to be memorable, as the island--and the passion between her and Drake--is about to explode... 22. Defender Dragon Lucas is a prince and a dragon shifter who left his country to become a bodyguard at Protection, Inc., an all-shifter private security company. Then his past caught up with him, forcing him home for an arranged marriage to a princess who isn't his mate. Neither of them wants the match, but they can't escape it… unless one of them finds their true mate first. Journey Jacobson is a free-spirited backpacker traveling the world. When she runs out of money, it looks like her adventuring days have come to an end. Then she attends a lavish ball to celebrate the upcoming engagement of Prince Lucas. Sparks fly between Lucas and Journey until she flees at midnight, leaving behind nothing but a shoe. Lucas sets out to find his mate, but that's just the beginning of his quest. Can he protect her from the mysterious assassins trying to kill her? And can restless Journey and lonely Lucas take the biggest risk of their adventurous lives, and open their wounded hearts to love? 23. Delicious Cal Buchanan needs a top-flight chef to take over his failing Seattle restaurant, The Waterfront. He can afford to hire the best in town – the only problem is that the best happens to be his ex-wife, Penny Jackson. Penny really needs this opportunity, but she doesn't need the distraction of working with her ex. She's sworn off romance – she's even having a baby on her own. But before she knows it, the heat is on…and the attraction between her and Cal moves from a low simmer to a full boil! The rest should be easy as pie, but a secret from Cal's past could spoil everything. Maybe it's true that too many cooks spoil the broth – or maybe two is enough to make it irresistible. 24. Double Jeopardy Ellie Landau couldn't pass up the invitation to a murder mystery weekend. It was even harder to pass up fellow player Jed Thorpe. Only Jed was the "killer," and Ellie wound up fighting for her life. Back in the real world, Ellie was the management consultant for Cludds Haberdashers, a simple enough job until she realized that something was terribly wrong there - and that Jed was intimately involved. Then someone tried to kill her for real. Ellie was in double jeopardy. Was she falling in love with the one man who could save her life - or end it? 25. Dream Man Detective Dane Hollister of the Orlando police department has never met anyone quite like Marlie Keen. While he has doubts about her supposed clairvoyant powers, she sees crimes as they're being committed, there is no doubt about how much he desires her. To Marlie, Dane is all heat and hard muscle, and he makes her body come alive as it never has before. But not even she can foresee that their passion will lead them on a dangerous journey into the twisted mind of a madman who will threaten their happiness and their lives. 26. Exposed Beautiful, sophisticated, and engaged to the son of a Senator, Evie Masterson has the perfect life. Except for one thing: it's all based on a lie. Five years ago, she created a new identity for herself and cut all ties to her criminal past. But she can't run forever, because something she witnessed years ago comes back to haunt her. And the only person there to help is the man she thought she left behind forever-the one man she's never been able to forget. Devastatingly gorgeous and just as ruthless, Riley Everett is the criminal for hire who once stole Evie's heart. Years have gone by, but he's never been able to forget her either. Now her life is in jeopardy, and even after all this time, he'd still do anything to protect her, even if that means breaking into her mansion and stealing her away. As they hide from the world, their long-lost passion reignites. But despite their undeniable chemistry, Evie can't give up the perfect life she's been working toward... and Riley has no part in it. 27. Fancy Pants They're caviar and beer. Kerosene on fire. They're going to fall in love. She was the most beautiful British bauble in Europe's jet-set playgrounds. Now she's broke, furious, and limping down a backwoods road in an ugly pink Southern Belle gown... He was tall, lean and All-American gorgeous. He liked his brews cold and women loved to keep him warm. Why in hell is he stopping his car for this woebegone, surly Scarlett? 28. Find Me Investigative reporter Sarah Newton debunks supernatural myths, and forces the truth to light whether people want to hear it or not. Now, with a popular teenager found tortured and murdered – and another girl missing – Sarah's out to prove it's not the work of an ancient curse, but a cold-blooded killer. She'll expose one Maine village's darkest secrets …while keeping the truth about her own past hidden from view. As Youngstown's newest councilman, Kale Conner's unofficial job is to minimize the bad publicity from Sarah's stories and, if possible, to keep her in line. But with time running out, and his own family at stake, Kale's finding his neighbors' terrible deeds might be too deadly to sweep under the rug…and he and Sarah are headed toward a heated endgame with only one shocking way out... 29. Groomed for Murder Brooke Palmer's exclusive doggie spa, Pawlish, is sued when a client's pampered champion gets a bad poodle cut. The client's lawyer is drop-dead gorgeous Drew Hudson, but Brooke won't be wooed by a corporate shark in a sharp suit. This frivolous lawsuit is Drew's chance to advance to partner, but things get complicated when he finds that the side he's rooting for isn't the side he's fighting for. 30. Her Favorite Rival A new meaning for office politics: Audrey Mathews has worked hard to get here. Now she's up for a promotion and nothing will stand in her way – including Zach Black. He's hot, smart and the competition. When they're assigned to the same project, she's shocked at how much she actually likes about him…and how much she misjudged him. Before long Audrey is seriously falling for Zach – and indulging in an affair that's against company policy. And the stakes rise when it's clear only one of them can get ahead. So where do they draw the line between competition and love? Especially when she doesn't want to lose either the promotion or the guy…. 31. Hero Special Forces soldier, Haze Welch, is military born and raised. Serving the country is what the Welch men do, and all Haze has ever wanted. But during an 18-month tour overseas, his world shatters in an instant. Haze gets injured and is not able to return to active duty. Unable to face the thought of spending the rest of his life behind a desk, he accepts a job offer as a personal bodyguard in Los Angeles for the flighty heiress Leighton Machus. After all, one spoiled little girl would be a piece of cake compared to everything else I've been through, right? Little does Haze Welch know, he's about to get a rude awakening. 32. Hissy Fit The night before her wedding, in the middle of an oh-so-smart rehearsal dinner, interior decorator Keeley Murdock chances upon her fiancé and maid of honor in flaming flagrante delicto. Keeley throws the hissy fit to end all hissy fits and storms out. The next day, though, she has to deal not only personally with a broken engagement but also with her business being shut out by folks in a town financially obligated to her ex. Rescue comes in the form of the new owner of the local bra plant. This guy is a hunk but he's also a teensy bit weird, since he hires Keeley to redo the broken-down antebellum mansion he's bought for the woman of his dreams. The trouble is, he's never met said woman. So Keeley dives in and finds that true love can come even to those who throw humdinger hissy fits. 33. Hold Your Breath Lou's new to the Rockies, intent on escaping her oh-so-controlling ex, and she's determined to make it on her own terms...no matter how tempting new ice dive captain Callum Cook may be. But when a routine training exercise unearths a body, Lou and Callum find themselves thrust into a game of cat and mouse with a killer who'll stop at nothing to silence Lou—and prove that not even her faithful Search and Rescue brotherhood can keep her safe forever. Lou is a hurricane. A walking disaster. Perfect chaos in every way. And with her, Callum's never felt more alive...even if keeping her safe may just kill him. 34. Home to Seaview Key Falling for a handsome stranger on the very morning they meet is hardly what recently divorced Abby Miller planned for her return to Seaview Key. Hoping to mend an old friendship and to give back to the community she loves, Abby's definitely not looking for love. For ex-soldier Seth Landry, Seaview Key seems like the perfect place to heal a broken heart…eventually. And when he rescues a beautiful woman on the beach, his nightmares about the past are eclipsed by daydreams about the future. Neither Abby nor Seth are looking for forever, but powerful love has its own timetable. And taking a chance on the future will test their courage in ways neither of them could possibly have anticipated. 35. How the Cowboy Was Won Ember Alzate is a fantastic matchmaker with one big problem: she can't find the perfect mate for herself! Alzate family legend says that when she kisses "the One" she'll hear a mysterious humming in her head. Well, Ember's kissed a lot of guys and she's never heard a thing. Now, instead of searching for herself, she vows to find her best friend, Ranger Lockhart, a bride. It's clear this smart, sexy man just needs to meet the right gal. Ranger's returned home to Cupid with marriage on his mind, but he's not interested in the parade of women Ember pushes under his nose. His thoughts keep returning to his best friend -- with her combustible combination of curves and sass. No one compares to Ember, but what's it going to take to convince her she's the woman for him? 36. How to Date an Alien High school senior Alex Bianchi's estranged father gets her an internship at Circe Operations Center to pad her college applications. But Circe isn't your typical military base. It's an alien-run operation center and not all of the aliens are friendly, especially the one that tries to kill Alex on her first day. When Ace, a dark-eyed Caltian, enters and saves the day, she can't help but be drawn to him. Can these star-crossed lovers survive when they're on the brink of intergalactic war? 37. How to Kill Your Boss When Tatum's daydreams of murder become a reality, all fingers point to her. In Tatum Wood's opinion, murdering her boss on a daily basis within the safety of her thoughts is better than therapy. Until he takes a swan dive off a building and all evidence points to her. Thank goodness she has Franklin Reed. Her mysterious, overprotective and drop-dead gorgeous coworker is all too eager to play hero. With two attacks in her building and her stalker with a penchant for roses, Franklin's injection into her life couldn't have come at a better time. As Tatum and Franklin scramble to discover who's behind the murder, secrets are unearthed that question his motives…as well as his identity. 38. How to Marry a Marquis She’s trying to follow the rules… When Elizabeth Hotchkiss stumbles upon a copy of How to Marry a Marquis in her employer’s library, she’s convinced someone is playing a cruel joke. With three younger siblings to support, she knows she has to marry for money, but who might have guessed how desperate she’s become? A guidebook to seduction might be just the thing she needs—and what harm could there be in taking a little peek? …But he’s making his own. James Sidwell, the Marquis of Riverdale, has been summoned to rescue his aunt from a blackmailer, a task that requires him to pose as the new estate manager, and his primary suspect is his aunt’s companion, Elizabeth. Intrigued by the alluring young woman with the curious little rulebook, he gallantly offers to help her find a husband… by practicing her wiles on him. But when practice becomes all too perfect, James decides that there is only one rule worth following—that Elizabeth marry her marquis. 39. Howling in the Darkness Danger! Undercover agent Jonah Ries couldn't explain to the stunning woman who'd mistaken him for her blind date exactly how he knew someone was trying to harm her. But evil stalked Moriah's Landing, and Katherine Ridgemont was its target. When she learned of Jonah's deep secret, Kat might not give him the time of day. Only that wouldn't stop Jonah from watching over the vulnerable beauty after dark. As the anniversary of Kat's mother's mysterious death approached, the instinct to protect became a fire in Jonah's blood. A fire matched by his determination to save the woman he loved from the unknown forces that haunted the night... 40. In the Groove She wouldn't know a NASCAR star if he hit her with his car... and he just did. Sarah was a kindergarten teacher until a sleazy ex-boyfriend got her fired. Now the only job she can find is driving the motor coach for racing star Lance Cooper. She doesn't know a thing about NASCAR – and she's off to a rocky start when she doesn't recognize her ultra-famous boss. Lance can't help but notice Sarah's sweet smile – and how seriously unimpressed she is with his fame. Her reaction piques his interest – and he's convinced she's a good-luck charm. But Sarah has no interest in Lance's jet-setting life; she'd rather deal with spitballs than one super-sexy race car driver. Too bad whenever he comes near her she turns hot as race fuel. Soon things begin to heat up on the track, and Sarah begins to wonder if she might be able to teach one famous race car driver a few lessons about love 41. Into the Night Sheltered in the shadows of the Smoky Mountains is the suspect who's summoned FBI agent Macey Night's fears to the surface. Every day that the "Profiler," a vigilante serial killer, escapes justice is another day she's reminded of what it is to be a ruthless predator's prey. Capturing him is a craving deeper than anything she's felt in a long time. But Agent Bowen Murphy, equal parts sexy and volatile, seems hell-bent on changing that. Working together—needing, living and breathing each other—they're entwined to distraction. Bowen's used to operating on impulse: act, don't feel. Now Macey and the controlled terror behind her beautiful eyes have him rethinking everything, including his rule to never get close to a colleague. He's willing to fight for a future with Macey, but the consequences of love could be deadly. 42. Killjoy Her razor-sharp mind and ability to decipher evidence have made Avery Delaney an expert crime analyst for the FBI. Now she will have to use every one of her skills on a case that hits painfully close to home. Avery's beloved aunt Carolyn was on her way to a posh spa in the Colorado mountains. But she never arrived. Now, with scant clues and fewer resources, Avery must track down Carolyn -- and outmaneuver a brilliant killer named Monk who is part of an elaborate plot of madness and lethal vengeance. 43. Lawless Five years ago, Judd Dunn, a hard-edged Texas Ranger, put Christabel Gaines's father behind bars – where he belonged. But Judd's involvement in Crissy's life was far from over. With their jointly owned ranch on the verge of bankruptcy, Judd wed her in name only, vowing to save their land, and vowing to ignore the sexual tension between them. Now, just when Judd decides to release Crissy from their sham of a marriage, he is blindsided by a bloodthirsty foe who is setting the stage for unspeakable evil by preying upon Judd's greatest weakness – his wife. No longer a starry-eyed schoolgirl, Crissy's a smart, fearless woman with unfulfilled desires. And she will do anything in the name of love – including taking a bullet for her husband. With their very lives at stake, Crissy and Judd must confront their darkest demons, their new rivals and their deepest desires – and face up to a mutual destiny they cannot outrun. 44. Lone Star Santa Kristen Zaleski is home for the holidays... indefinitely. Her acting career hasn't taken off -- in fact, it hasn't gone anywhere. So now she's spending her days helping out at her dad's P.I. office. Until Mitch Donner comes by and lights up her life. Sort of... Mitch is back at his parents' place, too. As a successful accountant who'd been set up to take the fall in a money-laundering scheme, Mitch isn't quite sure what to do. So he takes a job installing Christmas lights... and gets an early present when he runs into Kristen. Especially when she offers her newly acquired P.I. skills to help him get his life back. Working together, they plot an elaborate sting operation, one that will take a miracle to pull off. Then again, anything is possible at Christmas -- especially if it involves mistletoe! 45. Long, Hot Texas Summer A sassy redhead with an axe to grind… After catching her husband kissing another woman in the barn, Loretta Sullivan Bailey left Lonesome Canyon Ranch and swore she'd never come back. But when her daughter threatens to drop out of college to become a rancher's wife, Loretta refuses to let her baby make the same mistake she did. She returns to the ranch, determined to get her daughter back in school by the summer's end…and resolute on ignoring her feelings for her ex-husband. A bullheaded but oh so sexy cowboy… A cowboy from his hat to his boots, ruggedly handsome rancher Jackson Bailey is none too pleased that his feisty -- and gorgeous -- ex-wife has suddenly shown up seventeen years after their divorce. But despite all their fighting and fussing, the two stubborn former lovers soon discover that old flames burn the hottest. Can they finally put aside their differences and find happiness together…forever? 46. Looking for Laura Sally Driver is a widow trying to move on with her life when she finds a stack of perfume-scented love letters from her late husband, Paul, had received from a mysterious woman named Laura. Todd Sloane was Paul's best friend and he feels betrayed that his friend would keep such a secret from him. Together Sally and Todd go looking for Laura, but with luck on their side, they may just find something more meaningful along the way... 47. Making Him Sweat Round 1: In this corner is admittedly romantic Jenna Wilinski, who's inherited a rather seedy boxing gym from her estranged father. With it, she can realize her dream of launching an upscale matchmaking business…provided she can take on the very intimidating – and wickedly hot – boxer who stands in her way! Round 2: In the far corner is former pro boxer Mercer Rowley. He's the only one who can protect his "home" – even if it is a little run-down – from his determined and feisty little opponent. But man, once the gloves come off, his hands just want to touch her everywhere… Round 3: This matchup is too close to call. But no matter which contender comes out on top, the other is sure to enjoy every minute of it…. 48. Marry Me at Christmas To bridal boutique owner Madeline Krug, organizing a Christmas wedding sounds like a joy - until she finds out she'll be working closely with the gorgeous brother of the bride, movie star Jonny Blaze. How will a small-town girl like her keep from falling for the world's sexiest guy? Especially with mistletoe lurking around every corner! Jonny came to Fool's Gold looking for normal, not for love. Happily-ever-after only happens in the movies. Still, nothing about this quirky town is quite what he expected, and "ordinary" Madeline is the most extraordinary woman he's ever met. Refreshingly honest, disarmingly sweet. Achingly beautiful. Planning the perfect wedding leads to candlelit dinners and strolls through snow-covered streets. And Madeline finds Jonny in real life even more captivating than her celebrity crush. But will the action star be brave enough to risk his heart and step into the role of a lifetime? 49. Mischief Imogen Waterstone needed a man, and not just any man: one with an implacable will and nerves of iron. That's why she invited Matthias Marshall, the Earl of Colchester, to her home. For who better than the legendary explorer to help her lure a ruthless enemy to ruin. Yet when Imogen urges Matthias to masquerade as her spellbound suitor -- and let it be known that she possesses a priceless treasure map -- she never anticipates his electrifying response -- or her own. Suddenly, the unconventional lady is in the thrall of true passion... and vulnerable to a malevolent threat that emerges from the labyrinth of London society. 50. My Front Page Scandal Brooke Winfield is the devoted and dependable daughter of one of Boston's oldest families. So what is she doing on the back of a motorcycle in the middle of the night with sexy bad-boy ballplayer David Carrera? Elated by that recklessness, Brooke decides she's ready to take a Martini dare--and what a dare! Her performance at a posh strip club lands her back in David's arms for another unforgettable night... and in the tabloids the next morning.

[forever-dreaming-cullen]

My Giant List of Fic Recs

I love reading fan fiction because it gives me more of my favorite characters and extends their stories, sometimes giving alternate glimpses of their personalities and ways of looking at them.  And, yes, I write fan fiction, too, although I don’t think I am anywhere near as good as my favorite authors.

Anyway, I would like to thank all of the wonderful people who create the stories that keep my up late at night reading when I should be sleeping. You are awesome! Even if your fic is not on this list, please know that you are still wonderful, and my thanks go out to you, as well.

The following is a list of my favorite fics, in no particular order.

Breaking the Divide (Remastered) by Fatally_Procrastinating (@fatally-procrastinating) : A slow burn Cullen/Female Trevelyan mage Inquisitor romance that runs through the events of the game and the moments in between.  It does stray from canon in that other DA characters are present that were not in Inquisition, but Cullen remains his adorable awkward self. I’m not sure if the author is still updating, as it’s been a while since the last update.

(Violet) by Lumidee:  (@lumidee-mahariel) A very non-canon look at Cullen’s life starting from when he joined the Order, through his time at Kinloch Hold, Greenfell, Kirkwall, Haven, and Skyhold. This fic includes graphic portrayals of rape and torture, so it is not for the faint of heart, and the Cullen that comes out of it is a very dark Cullen, indeed. However, as rough and beastly as he is portrayed, you can’t help but feel his pain.  Complete.

Nothing Else Matters by Lumidee (@lumidee-mahariel): A non-canon romance between Cullen and an elf-blooded non-Inquisitor OC, Hailey Trevelyan, this story features the same Cullen as in Violet, but with some differences, so this Cullen is dark, hard, and very sexual. This story is still in its early stages, but it had me hooked at Chapter one!

Desire and Temptation by 0102and03 (@ekoorb03): Two companion fics about a Commander and Inquisitor who are often at each other’s throats coming under the spell of a love…err…desire potion crafted by our favorite Tevinter mage and administered rather inexpertly by that loveable elf-prankster Sera. Sexy times are had, lots of sexy times and the Commander may or may not have come in his pants! Complete

The Scars We Hide by 0102and03 (@ekoorb03): A slow burn Cullen/Female Trevelyan Mage Inquisitor romance with non-canon elements, OCs, and plot twists galore. It features a broken Cullen and broken Trevelyan, too, as they struggle to overcome their issues and find each other. Still ongoing with regular updates.

This Feels Like We’re Falling in Love by commander_cullywully: A modern AU starring Cullen and a Gwen Trevelyan as college students. It’s a very cute romance featuring the awkward Cullen we all know and love, but in a college setting. Still ongoing, updated last in January of 2017.

Only Make Believe by blustersquall (@blustersquall): A modern AU romance in which  Nevena Trevelyan hires Cullen to pretend to be her boyfriend during her visit with her family over Christmas. Nevena’s family is a piece of work and secrets surround Nevena’s relationship with her ex, and Cullen is confident yet sweet and kind. Ongoing.

Serendipity by lylalavellan (@lylalavellan) A modern AU featuring Lyla Lavellan, a college student who lives in a house with Dorian, Cassandra, and Sera and works at the local pub with Cullen, who is a college drop-out due to health reasons. Cullen is in love with Lyla and but Lyla is in a relationship with Solas, who is an abusive asshat. Ongoing.

The Knight of Hampstead and its sequel, The Savior of Skyhold by stargirl428  In The Knight of Hampstead, Cullen gets transported from Thedas to modern-day London, where he is discovered by a group of roommates who figure out who he is and attempt to help him get back to Thedas. In the meantime, Cullen and the female protagonist Rose, end up falling in love. Their story continues in The Savior of Skyhold, in which Cullen takes Rose back to Thedas with him. Masterfully written, these stories meld Theodosian lore with the modern world in a seamless and believable way. The Knight of Hampstead is complete, The Savior of Skyhold is ongoing.

The Knight of Comic-Con by LasairTrevelyan : To be read at the same time as The Knight of Hampstead, Cullen attends Comic-Con with hilarious results. Complete.

Carl Hates You, Jim by HarbingerofWhimsy (@harbinger-of-whimsy) : A hilarious take on the famous Desk Scene through the eyes of a very unlucky guard named Carl. Carl is tasked with guarding the Commander’s door while Cullen is getting it on with Quizzy. Jim happens along and gets poor Carl in trouble with a very angry Commander. You need to read this story. It had me on the floor laughing it’s so funny! Complete.

A Cullenite’s Guide: How to be Inquisitor by Lourdes23 : Two girls unexpectedly bring Cullen to modern day Chicago by modding Dragon Age: Inquisition. Now they have to try and get him back to Thedas. Will one of them be able to keep herself from falling in love with him? This story has plot twists and a very unexpected ending with plenty of romance, too. (and some smut). Complete.

Learning Curve by bendy_quill: An exploration of the sexual aspects of the Cullen/Female Inquisitor relationship, in which Cullen apparently wants the Inquisitor to use his back door, but so far has been unable to get her to understand. Lots of exquisite sex scenes, including one with Cullen solo using a butt plug on himself. Very very hot, and a must read if you like steamy Cullen action. Ongoing, possibly abandoned as it hasn’t been updated in a while.

Seen by DrennTrev: This is an AU where Cullen is a southern cop, and his girl is a stripper. This is an unusual fic, because its characterizations are completely unique,.Read this if you want a completely different Cullen who sounds like a southern boy, but is still cute in all the important Cullen-ways.  It’s got 10 chapters, but may be abandoned as the author hasn’t updated in a while.

The Real World: Skyhold by ArchangelEquinox: A modern AU that puts all of the Dragon Age; Inquisition characters in a Real World-style reality show. Some characters from earlier DA games make an appearance, and it’s got a nice slow burn romance between Cullen and a female Trevelyan. Still ongoing, but possibly abandoned as it has not been updated in a while. I really hope the author continues, because I want to know what happens!

A Compromising Position by Seabirdsong (@seabirdsong ): Sera plays a prank on Cullen and Alistair by spiking their ales with an aphrodisiac that makes them really horny. Not wanting to inflict himself on the women of Skyhold, Cullen goes to Alistair’s room to see if he is feeling the effects as well. Of course, he is, and the two men decide to use each other to burn off their sexual desire. Very hot and very steamy male on male action. Plus it’s two handsome ex-templars going at it, how can you go wrong? Complete.

Letters from Orlais by Kauri (@kauriart): A steamy romp featuring our awkward Commander and his Trevelyan Inquisitor in which Cullen receives…letters from the Orlesian nobles he met at the Empress’ ball. The letters are, shall we say, graphic, and poor Cullen can’t help by being turned on by them, very turned on. He and Trev act out the letters and have some very very hot sex. This is so good, I can’t recommend it enough. On-going.

Midnight at Skyhold by LadyDanya @ladydanya: Cullen thinks the Inquisitor is too good for him, but when he hears about the Inquisitor’s fascination with one of Varric’s stories about a mysterious and anonymous lover who steals into a lady’s bedroom at night, he just has to make the Inquisitor’s fantasies come true. This story is full of awkward Cullen feels as his guilt wars with his desire for his Inquisitor. Ongoing,

All I Ask of You by Khirsah  @khirsahle: Josephine is throwing a masked ball, Orlesian-style at Skyhold. The Commander is none-to-pleased until Dorian convinces him to attend in disguise. There, he meets a mysterious young woman, and it’s love at first sight. I love this story so much! Cullen’s characterization is spot-on, and it’s a delight to read! Ongoing

Would You Have Me Beg? by bushviper @bushvipertoo : This story is both sexy and funny, featuring a confident Cullen and an awkward completely virginal Trevelyan Inquisitor. Evelyn hasn’t even kissed a man before Cullen, and she thinks that he would be better off with someone more experienced, so she breaks up with him, only to change her mind.after she realizes her mistake. Cullen takes her back, but only on one condition: she has to stay with him in his tower for five nights. A must read. Complete.

Least Likely To Succeed by bushviper @bushvipertoo: The story of a Circle mage and an ex-Templar through the events of the Inquisition. Cullen is his uptight self with a bit more humor, and Evelyn is a bit too light-hearted for our dear Commander’s comfort. I love the author’s characterizations of Cullen and Evelyn, and I’m waiting on tenterhooks for updates! Ongoing.

Claimed by cjulina : This story starts in Kirkwall during the period between the events of Dragon Age 2 and Inquisition. Cullen is the acting Knight-Commander of Kirkwall’s Templars and while on a mission, he and his men come across a mage hiding in the woods. That mage is Evelyn Trevelyan of the Ostwick Circle. The twist is that the Chantry has decreed that mages can be “Claimed” by a Templar and subject to his will. Unwillingly, Cullen claims her to protect her. A very interesting take on the Dragon Age universe and on Cullen himself and his relationship with Evelyn. Ongoing.

Wow. I’ve made a huge list of fics, and I honestly could go on and on, but I think I need to end this here. It’s so hard to make these lists because there is so much talent in the Dragon Age fandom. I love all of the writers who share their stories with the fandom. You extend the universe and give us more of our favorite characters to love. Thank you so much!

[penniesforthestorm]

“You boosted a Gremlin?”: ‘Justified’ Recap, Season 1, Episodes 2-5

For those just tuning in, I have taken on the ambitious and probably foolish task of recapping the FX series Justified-- my notes on the pilot are here. I’m batching them together in order to make slightly less work for myself; we’ll see how it goes. In this first chunk of Season 1, the series is pretty clearly still finding its feet, but there’s some great stuff here. Again, I will be making connections to later material, so keep that in mind...

Episode Two: “Riverbrook”

-Raylan visits Boyd in the jail’s infirmary, and Boyd expounds on his newfound faith. It’s tempting, given what we’ve seen so far, to dismiss this ‘conversion’ as a smokescreen, but this, to me, constitutes a grave misreading of Boyd’s character. This is not someone who does things by halves.

-Raylan also picks up Dewey Crowe, to transport him back to Harlan. Despite his broken nose, Dewey appears to bear Raylan no particular ill will, and chatters on about his Florida escapades, including a stint working at Disney World. He wanted to play Goofy, but couldn’t get the hang of the Jet-Ski.

-Case of the week: a group of convicts who hire out as a band to play at parties escapes their minders, and Art tells Raylan to be on the lookout. My one complaint here is that Art refers to them as a ‘bluegrass band’-- not with a full drum kit and a resonator guitar, they aren’t, and I would expect Art to know that, but that’s just me.

-Raylan encounters the bandits at a gas station, and the elder, Cooper, dispatches his associate and takes Raylan’s guns, wallet, and hat before locking him in the storeroom. At least Raylan had time for a corny musician joke (Q. “How do you tell if there’s a shitty drummer at the door?” A. “The knock speeds up.”)

-Next morning, Art tells Raylan that the U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating him, in light of the shooting in Miami and the incident with Boyd Crowder. “Say you’re in the first grade, and you bite a kid every week-- people might start to think of you as a biter.”

-Winona drops by to tell Raylan that he’s made Gary extremely nervous.

-As Raylan, Tim, and Rachel track down Cooper, Tim fills Raylan in on his past as a sniper in Afghanistan-- they were encouraged to make up stories about their targets to pass the time, until some got too emotionally involved. Raylan asks Tim if he was one of them, and Tim doesn’t answer.

-Raylan tells another corny joke, this time to Ava: “Know why Pentecostals don’t have sex standing up? It could lead to dancing.”

Episode Three: “Fixer”

-Art brings Raylan news that his father, Arlo Givens, has been arrested. Raylan remains uninterested.

-Case of the week: Arnold Pinter (David Eigenberg), a reluctant Brooklyn transplant, former bookie, and confidential informant may be under threat. He attempts to introduce Raylan to the delights of a chocolate egg cream, but Raylan settles for vanilla ice cream.

-Turns out, Arnold is trying to scam a lowlife named Travis Travers (license plate: TNT 6969), with the help of aspiring landscaper/enforcer Curtis Mims. 1 heads-up-- Curtis used to work for an organized crime outfit in Detroit.

-Major theme of this episode is people wanting out: Arnold wants to return to Brooklyn, Ava has ideas about Costa Rica, Raylan just wants to be anywhere other than where he is. He tells Ava that when he and Winona were young, they both swore never to come back to Kentucky.

Episode Four: “Long in the Tooth”

-We’re in LA this week, on the trail of the so-called “Crazy Dentist”, whom Raylan knew in a previous life as Rollie Pike (played by Alan Ruck). Pike escaped Raylan’s clutches in Brownsville, owing to Raylan’s unfortunate ice cream habit.

-Rachel is in charge, to make sure Raylan doesn’t make more work for the U.S. Attorney’s Office. In the car, Raylan clumsily tries to ingratiate himself by expressing sympathy for ‘how hard it must have been’ for Rachel to progress as far as she has, and she rightly calls him out, “Why? Because I’m black, or because I’m a woman?” 

-Rollie, with his receptionist/accomplice Mindy in tow, attempts to steal a car, and ends up trading with a sharp-eyed, sharp-tongued veteran, Mr. Jones. Seeing that Mr. Jones has lost his leg, Rollie thanks him for his service. Jones replies, “I lost the leg to diabetes. But you’re welcome.”

-Raylan and Rollie have a chat, and we get our first glimpse of the Miami cartel-- two guys in a car, watching Raylan, while the older of the two talks to ‘Gio’ on the phone.

-LAPD finds Rollie’s car, driven by Mr. Jones, who has no time for cops. “I was greasing slopes in the Mekong Delta while you were still sucking your mama’s tit-tays.”

-Episode ends with a desert standoff near the border-- Rollie and Mindy (suffering the after-effects of food-truck ceviche), Raylan, the cartel flunkies, and a sniper on the other side. Rollie explains to Raylan that he wanted to become a dentist after seeing the Rankin-Bass Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer special as a kid, with the character Hermie the elf. “The little gay dude?” Raylan asks, incredulous. (My mother loves that movie, and I’ve probably watched it every year at Christmas. I went through an adolescent period of hating it, and I still would rather watch almost anything else, but it’s just One of Those Things. At least we don’t do Christmas Eve lutefisk anymore.)

Episode Five: “The Lord of War and Thunder”

-Case of the week: A stakeout; they believe a fugitive is hiding at his ex-wife’s house. Raylan decides to offer some free yard work, and the woman skeptically agrees.

-Major character introductions in Harlan: Arlo Givens (Raymond J. Barry), Raylan’s criminally-inclined estranged father, first seen breaking into a property he’s been renting out. He calls the local sheriff, Hunter Mosley (Brent Sexton), himself, and explains that the tenant, Stan Perkins, is behind on his rent.

-Raylan’s Aunt Helen (Linda Gehringer), now married to Arlo, calls and asks Raylan to come down and bail his father out of jail. She explains that she has a restraining order preventing her from going onto the premises. Raylan goes to visit Perkins, suspecting something else is going on, and Perkins hints that he is also trying to leave Kentucky.

-on a comic note, Assistant U.S. Attorney David Vasquez (Rick Gomez) brings Ava Crowder in for questioning, and has court-reporter Winona to take notes. Winona excuses herself abruptly, explaining her marriage to Raylan.

-Arlo, taking revenge on Perkins’ ‘nephews’ for threatening Helen, cites “the great Henry Aaron” before lighting into the pair of them with a baseball bat. He collapses from a heart attack, and Helen calls Raylan to the hospital.

-this week’s corny joke, courtesy of Arlo: he and his friend were being menaced by a bear, and his friend hurriedly put on sneakers. Arlo told him he couldn’t possibly outrun a bear, and his friend said, “I don’t have to be faster than the bear, I just have to be faster than you.”

-In conversation with Raylan, Arlo reflects on his own father, a Bible-thumping preacher. Rebellion, it seems, is a constant in the Givens family. When Helen comes up, Arlo asks where she was. “Down in the parking lot, giving blowjobs for cash,” she replies. “Were they paying, or were you?” Arlo fires back, not without affection.

-First appearance of Johnny Crowder (David Meunier): cousin to Boyd and Bowman, played baseball with Raylan in high school. He seems amiable enough-- he informs Raylan that Perkins is trafficking OxyContin, and passes along a warning: Bo Crowder, father of Boyd and Bowman, is due to be released from prison, and will be looking for Ava.

That’s all for now, the next installment will cover Episodes 6-9.

[templeofgeek]

Just in time for the holidays the superstar group of creatives is bringing you… Merry Christmas, Krampus.  We were drawn to their large and highly detailed display at Designercon this year.  It screamed of Jim Henson, Disney, and all the practical effects we loved as kids… and our instincts were correct.  This group is creating something unique to the holiday season.  Not only creating a family friendly Krampus, they are also doing it with practical movie magic.  It’s refreshing and nostalgic to see the art of puppetry and practical effects is still alive an well. The best part is they are doing it over kickstarter so as fans we can all be involved.  We talked to the team about their project, Merry Christmas, Krampus!

  The team behind this project is like a dream team, with people working at Disney and Jim Henson, etc…. How did you all meet?  

We actually met at Puppet Up!, which was an invitation only puppet and improv class that we took at the Jim Henson Company. It was weekly, and we instantly bonded over our love of all things Henson, Disney, etc. We met Andrea when her boyfriend at the time, a cop, was patrolling the area and stopped by the shop. He said that we HAD to meet his girlfriend who was an artist. A few days later we met her, saw her amazing work, and we’ve been working together ever since!

How did you all decide on Merry Christmas, Krampus?

Artie: I had a relative from Hungary who told us about Krampus during a holiday party. We were equally horrified and intrigued. I brought the idea of doing a children’s book about him to Andrea and the guys and, serendipitously, Andrea pulled a Krampus doll out of her bag that she had just finished. That Krampus was the basis for what you see in the book.

How much of Merry Christmas, Krampus will be practical and how much will be CGI?  Will there be any CGI at all?

The mass majority of the project will be done practically. It will be created using posable puppets, props and sets. Once the puppets are posed and photographed, the hand-drawn facial expressions will be digitally mapped on in post production. We really want as much of the project to be practical as possible.

Given everyone’s work in film and TV, why did a book?

That’s a great question. Our goal is to hopefully do a Christmas special one day for Disney or Netflix or someone, but in the meantime we wanted to have something that was within our power to create on our own, that we could be proud of and read to our young children.

Let’s talk about the kickstarter and some of the amazing rewards people can get…

Obviously, the reward that we’re most excited about is the book itself. We want to get it into the hands of as many people as we can and share this delightful story with them. But some other premiums that we’re really excited about are the puppetry workshops that we’re offering. People can sign up for a 5-day puppet performance or a 5-day puppet building workshop, where you’ll get to meet and work with us. Workshops like this are EXTREMELY rare, and anyone who is a working professional in the puppet business started out in workshop like these.

Is there any worry about giving out the actual Krampus as a prize? 

There was, initially, but we knew we wanted to give away something truly special. So once we decided that Krampus himself was the prize, we had Andrea get to work on constructing his replacement!

Krampus has mostly been used as a horror figure, what was the process to making a kid friendly Krampus?

It’s interesting because so many of the stories that we grew up loving, have scary roots. Just look up the original version of Sleeping Beauty, and you’ll see what we mean. So we knew that making Krampus family friendly would be possible, but somewhat of a challenge. Instantly, we recognized that we had to jettison some of the folklore, like hitting people with switches or bringing children back to his cave to work (though we do have him address that in a comical way in the story). We picked the parts that we liked and made us laugh, and we introduced some of our own elements. But basically, the story that we wanted to tell was of someone who works hard all year, and is sidelined, and decides to take matters into his own hands in a comical fashion. Along the way he meets a little boy who is just as bad as he is, and together they learn a warm Christmasy lesson, that we think is a good lesson for everyone.

Will we see other popular Christmas characters?  Rudolph perhaps? 

No Rudolph, but you will be seeing Santa, of course, along with Mrs. Claus, and the elves. In fact one of the premiums is to get an elf of your own, which is designed to look like you, and will cameo in the book.

Will this group be working on other projects after Merry Christmas, Krampus? 

Absolutely! We already have another project completed that was optioned by a major media company, and we currently have 3 other ideas in the pipeline that are in various stages of completion. Having worked in this business for a long time, we know to never put all our eggs in one basket.

What’s next for Merry Christmas, Krampus?

Krampus will be making appearances all over Los Angeles, including the Krampus Run, and at an event at the Anaheim Brewery. Also, Sean and Patrick’s Company “Swazzle” will be hosting a Krampus open house, for a limited number of guests later in the month. And we’ll be introducing some additional premiums that we think puppet fans are going to be really excited about. Otherwise, we’ll be huddled up in front of our computers throughout the season, nervously biting our nails, hoping that we get to bring our labor of love to the masses.

Please support this project by clicking, HERE.

Artist Interview: Merry Christmas, Krampus Just in time for the holidays the superstar group of creatives is bringing you... Merry Christmas, Krampus…

[caredogstips]

10+ Times Dads Took Their Jokes To Another Grade

It’s very likely that you’ve already evidenced a few dad gags in their own lives. Dads love to agony their children with such pranks and they are so embarrassingly bad that they end up being funny.

Bored Panda accumulated some of the best pa jokes captured on camera, proving that while the laughs themselves may be cringe-worthy, they’re also fairly humorous to look at. A large-hearted shout out to all of the awesome papas who come up with so many the resources necessary to exasperate their minors in most ridiculous paths!

If you’ve captured a daddy pun on camera, be sure to add it to this list. Don’t forget to comment and upvote other pa gags as well!

# 1 My Dad Just Moved To Tokyo. I Requested For A Picture Of The Position From His Apartment …

# 2 After A Multi-year Battle I Lastly Persuaded My Dad To Improve His Old Nokia 3310 To An Iphone. The Custom Phone Case He prescribed For It Arrived Today ..

# 3 Dad’s Office

# 4 My Girlfriend’s Dad Sent Me This Visualize Of Himself Today

# 5 Happiness Level – Dad

# 6 My Dad Was Seeming At Me Like This For Like 5 Minutes Until I Ogled Down At His Plate

# 7 Dad, Why ..

# 8 My Dad Said My Dog Took Over My Room After I Left For College. He Sent Me This …

# 9 My Friend’s Dad Is A Dentist. This Is His Pumpkin For Halloween

#10 A Girl Got A Text From A Boy Asking To Ascertain Her In Her Bra, Dad Replied

#12 My Dad Keeps Placing This Around To Scare Me

#13 Exact Photo Description Of A Dad Joke In Action

#14 Dad Told His Daughter That The Turkey Was Pregnant

#15 Daughter Asked For Frozen Gifts This Christmas ..

#16 My Dad Is An Ob/ gyn, And Was On-call For Christmas. This Is How He Extended To Round On Patients This Morning.

#17 Never Ask Your Dad To Introduce You Stuff At School

#18 Marilyn Manson’s Dad Stunned Him At His Recent Photo Shoot With Terry Richardson. Proof That Its A Father’s Duty To Humiliate Your Children As Often As Humanly Possible

#19 God Damnit, Dad …

#20 My Apartment Lost Power For Two Date. I Complained To My Dad, And Minutes Later, I Got A Text: “They’re On The Action! “

#22 So My Friend Has Her First Driving Lesson With Her Dad

#23 Was In My Room Considering When My Dad Sent Me This Photo

#24 When Your Dad Thinks Your Bath Bomb Is A Toilet Cleaner

#25 My Dad Simultaneously Discovered Snapchat And Started Embellishing For Halloween … This Is The Result

#26 My Daughter Had A Nightmare About Me Getting Sucked Into The Computer, After She Watched Tron. This Is What She Will Wake up To

#27 Just Got Home From Work And Found This Document From My Dad On The Fridge … A Little Confused, I Went To Into The Front room To Find My Cat As Promised. Thanks Dad!

#28 My Uncle And Dad Found My Cousin’s Hair Extensions, And Sent The Whole Family Glamour Shots

#29 My Friends Wife Let Him Name Their New Puppy

#30 My Dad And His Morbid Sense Of Humor Make Their Way To The Family Reunion

#32 Went On My Husband Sauntering The Cat Across The Ceiling While Singing “spider Cat, Spider Cat, Does Whatever A Spider Cat Does”

#33 My Friend Ran Out Of Lunch Bags, His Dad Is A Cop …

#34 My Dad Asked If We Craved To Read A Portrait Of His Pride And Joy

#35 My Mates Dad Is Officially Having A Mid Life Crisis! He Ordered This From Thailand …

#36 My Dad Likes To Get Up To Hijinks When Left Alone

#37 My Wife Didn’t Appreciate My Fridge Magnet Poem

#38 This Is Why I Can’t Take My Dad To Nice Region …

#39 Mom Said She Wanted A Smaller Tree For The Holidays This Season. Dad Came Home With This

#40 My Dad Reached A Good Snowball I Guess, He’s Really Proud, He Even Saw This Photo His Profile Picture ..

#42 You Can Tell Me I’m A Bad Dad But This One Is Biding In The Baby Album

#43 My Dad, The Belly Flop King, About To Ruin My Moms Afternoon

#44 My Dad Returned A Kitten Home And Give It Drive

#45 How To Realize Your Kids Hate You

#46 My Dad Just Sent Me This With The Caption “Minotaur”

#47 “I Think My Dad Is Happy About My Stepmom’s Early X-mas Decorating Spree. He Captioned This On Facebook ‘This Is What Happens When You Come Out Of Your Box Bfore Thanksgiving You Damn Dirty Elf'”

#48 Graduation Gift From Dad

#49 My Dad Loves Neon Yellow Operating Gear. People Always Joke That He Gazes Like A Highlighter. So He Became One

#50 My Sister Posted A Paint To Facebook, My Dad Responded

#52 My Dad Thought He Was Home Alone. I Had To Accompany Why He Was Laughing So Hard ..

#53 My Dad Went Mushroom Picking In Oslo And Sent Me This On Whatsapp

#54 To Not Lose A Baby Kitten In The House, My Dad Does This

#55 Here Is My Dad’s Gift To My Younger Sister. He Announces It The “Birth Control Blanket”

#56 My 13 Year Old Daughter Wants A Ear Rings For Christmas. I Can Hardly Contain My Excitement

#57 “Fancy Name For A Fart” My Dad Whispered While Shopping ….

#58 My Dad Made Me Earrings For My Birthday

#59 Ten Minutes After I Tell My 68 Time Old Dad What Hipsters Are, He Returns Back Like This. He Expects “Did I Do It Right? “

#60 I Questioned My Dad For $10 For Gas, He Announced “Sure, It’s In The Top Left Drawer Of My Computer Desk”. Thanks, Dad

#62 My Son Craved “cold Hard Cash” For His Birthday

#63 “I Only Want Tiny Pancakes Today.” Troll Dad Obliges

#64 My Mom Asked My Dad If He Was Man Enough To Pick Her Up Something After He Get Off Of Work, So He Mailed Her This.

#65 My Dad Is Building An Outhouse. This Is What He Sends Me …

#66 So I’m Putting Stuff Into The Attic When My Dad Runs In Bellowing “why? Why? Why? “

#67 How Shopping With Dad Is Better Than Patronizing With Mom

#68 Every Time My Dad Visits He Disguises A $20 Bill Before He Leaves. This Place Is By Far The Excellent. I’ve Been Clearing Coffee Like This For A Week Before I Noticed

#69 So Me And My Dad Were Out Browsing Army-navy Store When Then He Shed This At Me And Said, ‘she Cant Laugh At What She Cant Meet! ‘

#70 My Dad Hates Wrapping Presents So He Precisely Did This

#72 Told My Dad I Was Get Flying, This Is What He Had To Say About It

#73 While Vacationing My Dad Discovered An Discount Candy Store. When I Did I Didn’t Miss Anything He Sent Me This

#74 My 13 Year Old Daughter Wants A Nose Ring For Christmas. I Can Just Contain My Excitement

#75 Dad Humor

#76 My Dad Posted This On Facebook And No One Got It( Including Myself ). Everyone Was Anticipating He Fell Down And Hurt Himself. His Reaction: “Staged Photo, All Is Well. It Was The First Day Of Fall”

#77 My Father Stumbles Me With Dad Jokes When My Guard Is The Lowest

#78 How My Dad Is Moving Out Gifts This Year

#79 I Am Living Abroad And Asked My Parents To Celebrate My Dog’s Birthday Since I Am Away. My Dad Texted Me This Picture Titled, “birthday Party”

#80 Every Year My Dad Gets Us Odd Religous Candles Around The Holidays. This Year He Actually Outsmarted Himself

#82 My First Time Leaving Her, And Dad Decides This Is The Photo To Transport ..

#83 Many Years Ago My Dad Got To Meet Christopher Reeves. The Follower Of Steel Did Not Appreciate His Shenanigans

#84 Asked My Dad What He Was Doing With His Tax Return And He Sent Me This

#85 Cleaning Out Some Of My Dad’s Old Files. I Don’t Know What I Expected

#86 My Dad Ran Up To Me In The Garden Centre Yesterday And Requested Me To Take A Photo Of His ‘Massive Tits’.

#87 My Wife Just Told Me She Is Pregnant, And Required A Toasty Shower. First Dad Joke Executed ..

#88 Every Equinox, My Dad Counterbalance An Egg Upright And Sends Me The Pic. This Year, He Outsmarted Himself

#89 We Just Had Our First Baby. My Sister-in-law Who Lives Far Away Sent Us This Text And This Is All My Husband Reacted With

#90 Make It Go. Dad Considered It Was So Funny

#92 My Dad Thought Waking Me Up As The Easter Bunny Would Be Too Clich …

#93 My Dad Spent 5 Era Schooling His Feline To Do This

#94 My Dad Wore This Shirt To His Colonoscopy

#95 My Dad Just Got His Chest Port For Chemotherapy Today. Here He Is Researching It Out

#96 My Dad Just Sent Me This …

#97 Friend Sent Me This Pronouncing “it’s Not My Flaw She Has No Imagination”

#98 My Dad Insisted On Getting His Image Taken With This “Giant Kotex Pad” At Sam’s Club

#99 My Dad Emailed Me This Depict Of Himself After Going An Ipad, The Title “Here Come The Sun”

#100 This Was My College Graduation Present. Over $1500 Of Change My Dad Saved Over The Last-place Four Times

#102 Dad Gave Me An Eye-Pad As A Gift This Christmas. He Envisaged It Was So Funny …

#103 My Dad Said If I Took Constituent In His Stupid Photo Idea, I Wouldn’t Have To Shovel For The Rest Of The Day

#104 I Got In An Disagreement With My Dad Earlier Today And Simply Now He Came Into My Room, Threw This Down, And Left Without Saying A Word( i’m Allergic To Peanuts)

#105 “i Asked For Money This Christmas, So My Dad Individually Wrap 100 Single Dollar Bills”

#106 Should I Be Obsessed About My Dad?

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