#it’s normal to seek out things that disgust you in a time of trauma

[tortelette]

It is god awful 4 am in the Philippines (insomnia growing worse due to worry) and I have one fucking theory on what fucking Demian said in the epilogue of Chapter 4.

Demian fucking returns to the presence of Dante as the Sinners took a feast for themselves at some restaurant and talks to them about the meaning and true purpose of technology and the morality behind it along with the concept of greed. One line took a fucking slap on me whenever I kept reading his dialogue.

This is...

A "The Little Prince (TLP)" by Saint Exupéry reference said by the Little Prince himself when he met the stranded pilot in the desert.

Back then when I was still studying religious literature and our main topic is TLP, there are many biblical references here and there from the snake who bit him down to the desert where the pilot has been stranded upon for some time. The sheep has many symbolisms back in my lessons, the common ones that I get to see are the spiritual transcendence of the prince, the representation of the truth, and the beauty hidden from reality. Mind you all that the story of TLP is quite imaginative and a sad one that gives the hopeful yet real life lessons of friendship, value, love, and loss. Hence many symbolisms are interpreted here.

Now that I mention those things... what does it have to do with Demian telling Dante to draw him a sheep like they promised to him? Judging from the structure of his tone, it appears that Demian knew Dante before Dante took their clock prosthetic.

Well my theory is that the sheep is the symbolism of "realization" or more likely "seeing the truth of humanity." Dante is a blurry yet blank slate when they saw that they lost their memories yet retained a sense of a trail of their true goal. Dante wants answers (an obvious reflection of decision for a person who knows nothing of the world) in everything around them and they are the ones who let's out the final decision to handle in everything with the Sinner's help. Hence, they take semi-control in seeing EVERYTHING and witness it along with them. So far Dante has saw the lives of four of their sinners (Gregor, Rodion, Sinclair, and Yi Sang) and see how cruel and unfair of the life they went through. Dante sees them all since they resonated as well with the golden boughs and sees a portion of their troubled lives. A normal happening of humanity in The City.

Dante has to draw a "sheep" to Demian, more likely... Dante has to share to Demian the "truth of humanity that they have witnessed through resonance with the Sinners in a refreshed look." In this chapter, it appears that Dante has to share their side of the truth to Demian about Yi Sang's life yet they appear to be at a lost as always. Just like a sheep that strays away from the shepherd's guidance.

Remember Faust's remarks when she stated on what would be Dante's reaction about their decision to suppress the bronze bull when they get their memories back? It is implying for me at least that Dante is a dislikable or negative character. I mean... look at them when we first started the entire game. Demian must have known this too and probably wants to get Dante to draw a sheep for him now that he can have a more "innocent" or understandable outlook about humanity.

In TLP, the sheep (if removing the more complex representations of various literary analysis) is a literal representation of one's ability to appreciate the beauty of all things through the heart despite the appearance. All of the sinner's lives are miserable in some way yet they are still "beautiful" for us because they manage to strive through their problems, they seek on the right of their belief, they live on to face their traumas, and to accept help from others in order to get back up. The disgusting experiences of humanity in The City is a facade that people always see, but the actions they have done that either support or combat those experiences is what makes it beautiful.

The truth of humanity, is the suffering that they have been through.

It would be interesting that Demian has the title of "The Little Prince" as a nod to it.

EDIT: How does my unhealthy insomnia theory get a lot of interactions- I... I am scared.

[stvrl0st]

RANT BECAUSE I CANT WITH SOME PEOPLE.

so ive been on tt recently & I've seen some videos that are like "me scripting trauma just because" which, I have no problem with at all, because I do that sometimes to (like in my fantasy dr getting betrayed, almost assassinated, ect ect) then I open the comments

"me when i scripted that I self harm so my s/o comforts me"

.

what?

& if your gonna say "just delete tt & don't make a post abt it😭🙏" NO. THINGS LIKE THAT LITERALLY TRIGGER ME TO SAY SOMETHING.

self harm is literally NOTHING anyone should want to do. want your s/o to comfort you fine, do that. but don't scirpt that you LITERALLY CUT YOURSELF for that. it's not fun, it's not something people should want, it's not something that people should be ROMANTICIZING. I SHOULD KNOW. I DO IT. ITS NOT SOME PREPPY THING YOU WANT.

it eventually becomes an addiction & you cannot stop, maybe for a few days, months, yeah, sure, but the SECOND you feel worthless, you just end up getting triggered. it's a CYCLE. I literally do not CARE if it's your dr, your should NEVER hurt yourself because you think it's a 'cute trait" to have. I'm not trying to sound like a hypocrite or anything, I'm just saying that you do NOT want to scirpt things like that.

"oh but I'll scirpt so I USED to do it, so not anymore !!" that doesn't matter, your dr self is YOU. & there WILL be a part of you that will remember doing that & if you get triggered, there's a very high chance of you doing it.

self harm isn't fun.

self harm isn't a good thing to have.

self harm isn't something you should scirpt or want

self harm isn't okay.

because I KNOW for a fact, like I just said, if you scirpt that you used to do it, & something happens, you WILL go down that rabbit hole.

the amount of times I've literally had to lock myself in my bedroom because I've had the urge to do it is not healthy.

the amount of times my mom has said something & I just need to start isn't okay.

ITS. NOT. SOMETHING. YOU. WANT.

I have a really big problem with people who romanticize mental illnesses like it's something everyone should want.

& the fact that things like that are NORMALIZED in the shifting community just bothers me so much. like the people who scirpt they have ANY mental illness.

if you scirpt that & you see this please take that out of your scirpt RIGHT NOW.

because you guys have not felt the pain of someone that's in your own FAMILY saying your just attention seeking.

you have not felt the GUILT you have after.

you have not felt the URGE to do it like it's an everyday thing.

you have not brought a knife or scissors wherever you go.

you have not felt the SHAME, GUILT, & DISGUST after you thought were okay. then you relapse, oh you made it 2 months YAY. someone does or says something? your back at where you started & you CANNOT stop. & if you ever THINK you can just forget or not focus on it, there WILL be scars. so MANY of them.

do some of you think it's fun to cut yourself? genuinely. do you think it's fun to hate yourself. do you think it's something everyone should have? do you think it's gonna be fun begging for someone to just make you normal.

you have not felt how hard it is to wear a sweatshirt when it's 1000 degrees outside because you do not want people to think there's something wrong with you. because I DID THAT. & I STILL DO.

& you do not want to EVER feel that.

I could go on about this but I'm not going to.

if you scirpt that, I'm sorry but please get off my page & block me.

[xx-slug-xx]

Hiii so I just saw ur post and ask reply about proshipper antis and ocd and I wanted to give my two cents because idk I'm like self important or something? But I do think I have a good perspective as someone who's never truly affiliated with proship or anti proship (I'm also not a huge poster or anything so.)

I've been diagnosed with OCD for most of my life and also have been a victim of sexual violence, which is only relevant because when I was younger I had a debilitating obsession with being "found out" as someone who consumed noncon and proship content. I was really disgusted with it while simultaneously consuming and writing it myself, albeit privately which I thought made it "more okay". It took me a long while to leave this mindset because, as most ocd obsessions are, it was not congruent with reality. I feel the trap that a lot of people fall in to is within the labels of pro or anti, that there must be one or the other. Mainly people will label themselves as anti because it's, to me, an elitism of morality that only serves to detriment their own values. (Ie if you're pro-morals then you should seek to understand and rehabilitate, if you rlly think some kinks are so horrible that anyone who enjoys them needs to change.)

I've found that in the real world, among my friends who are on irl kink communities or who I just candidly discuss these sorts of things with, most don't have starkly pro or anti mindsets. I think it's strange that the very common mindset of "I'm really not into it but it's none of my business" is labeled as proship online. Ive never heard an incredibly anti sentiment be expressed as outwardly as it is online, because it's really just socially inappropriate to judge people's personal thoughts like that irl..? All that being said, I believe that if there wasn't this loud anti proship discourse online, I would have not been so distressed with my private thoughts before I was in recovery, and really the intensity with which these "thought crime" ideals are expressed only serves to make more people label themselves as proship. People generally don't like being judged for intimate things, shocker.

Valid experience and good opinions, anon :D

Tbh, my experience is kinda similar, though not exact. I always felt guilt for anything I enjoyed in fiction and that includes virtually all my kinks since they are mostly all fiction due to me being aspec! I think my guilt stems from religious trauma tbh. It’s a sin to be happy after all! Must be the devils temptation /j! Growing up in fandom, seeing people online saying all these things I enjoyed actually made me a bad person caused me feel like I was dirty. That there was something wrong with me for actually really mundane things. And my OCD fed off of that like a leach. I still to this day can’t let people borrow my phone bc my OCD tells me that people will do or say nasty things to me if they find out. “Find out” meaning that they see the fanart and fanfics that aren’t even on my device that I looked at somewhere in the past (not even recent!). Wasn’t until the last four-ish years where I realized that was dumb lol. It was a long journey of self acceptance that I still struggle with today. It’s hard to get past mental illness, but you can live with it and still be happy! It may never go away, but you can absolutely learn to tell your brain to stop being dumb as fuck!

Like, why would I be kicked out of my house for watching South Park as a child? I wouldn’t have been, but my OCD brain told me shit like that all the time! I’m not bad for having fun! Neither is anyone else!

I absolutely agree with you that labeling the normal response to seeing something you don’t like, or meeting someone who likes that thing, as “ok not my thing but good for you ig” shouldn’t be a “proship” thing. I don’t like the pro vs anti divide all that much. But in reality, that’s how this internet argument is taken and seen. It’s rooted in it from a fandom history perspective (as lame as it sounds when I say it lmao). Normal people in real life don’t care about internet drama, and they don’t care what a proshipper or antishipper is. I honestly feel like a lot of people forget that, but I see a lot of people on the anti side of things applying their internet opinions to the real world. That’s why I’m concerned. I see a lot of antiship people dropping irl friends and spreading label against them too, and it’s not a healthy mindset or way to live. It’s fine to not have the same tastes, even being uncomfortable with someone else’s tastes. But I don’t think it’s healthy to worry so much that it affects your real life like how I see a ton of antis doing. Life is uncomfortable and it’s full of people who can make you uncomfortable. But life isn’t black and white, and people/things that make you kinda uncomfortable with certain things can also be things you could care less about. I know so many people in my life at least who I just don’t talk about certain subjects with for that very reason, but we are still great friends regardless of our differences! And they aren’t “bad people” either lmao

Proship vs antiship never should have been a thing. Imo, you’re either an asshole towards others for stupid reasons, or you aren’t and just agree to disagree unless someone’s causing real harm! Proshippers can be assholes just like antishippers sometimes lmao, so those aren’t synonymous!

[takami-takami]

We're going to Natsuo essay today! Woohoo!

On Natsuo's trauma and PTSD, his role in the family, and the tragic tale of a traumatized son left to protect themself as the abuser seeks amends and the world accepts them. When the family forgives Endeavor, they leave Natsuo behind.

Everyone overlooks the line "left us to hear mom's screams, Shoto's cries." In the anime, his hand starts to clench and his voice trails back to a tone as if he is actively reliving what happened. Natsuo experiences flashbacks. Like. PTSD flashbacks. This is shown multiple times in the series.

The way he screams and spits, "it's sickening", in the anime he calls Enji "disgusting", the emotion that pours out there is entirely protective, of his family and himself. The disconnect between people acting like it's okay and the percieved danger Natsuo sees in front of him causes him to experience some pretty intense emotions.

"Don't you get that!?" It's almost a plea. Does no one else see what Natsuo sees? Why don't they see it? Why can't Enji understand Natsuo's boundaries that he both willingly gives up (to support his family who wants to make amends and allow their abuser back into their life) and is unwillingly is taken from him (when Enji comes around and causes him to relive his memories).

Side note: keep in mind how desperately Enji craves the support of his family. He lights up when Shoto pays him the smallest compliment. Interesting. Reminds one of a certain Touya, huh?

Now these panels are full of details that give insight into Natsuo.

Look at his face when Fuyumi changes the subject, squeezing his leg. Again, he has to bury his feelings for the sake of others, to keep the peace, their little newfound fairytale of a family redemption that Natsuo forces himself to partake in.

He looks absolutely miserable when he leaves. And yet he still says thank you, still says sorry that he couldn't be enough. Natsuo does not fit in to the newfound family dynamic. So he leaves.

Notice how he does not care much for doing this in front of guests? He hates hiding things. He doesn't want to participate in that charade.

This is in the anime. Izuku says, "I think deep down, you're ready to move forward with your dad. If you don't forgive him, that's up to you, no one can force you to accept him. The thing is... You're a really caring person."

And it pans over to Natsuo standing outside the hallway, listening in. Like this.

Shame. Guilt. Self-hatred.

Hearing those words affects him severely.

Why can't he be like Fuyumi? Why can't he be like his mom? Why can't he be like Shoto?

Why can't he move forward, why is he stuck in the past, why does Endeavor still haunt him, why can't he forgive—

Why can't he be a caring person?

Why can't he be a good person?

Why can't he let go like everyone else? Like normal people do? Like good people do?

Of course he can't. He's a protector.

Only Natsuo can't let go.

The odd one out, left behind to deal with the turmoil of his constant triggers alone, his grief for Touya.

Natsuo hates himself.

"Cuz I'm not as caring as Shoto," he says.

Natsuo is genuinely terrified to be touched by Endeavor. Even unconscious, he murmurs "hot..." when Endeavor holds him, and immediately yells and shoves him off once he wakes up, and begins to cry and tremble as Endeavor talks.

Finally, finally, Natsuo gets acknowledgement for the extremely painful turmoil he puts himself through for his family's sake, and it hits him like a truck. Endeavor himself sums it up well.

Natsuo is incredibly selfless.

It's very important to consider that after this, he says to Endeavor:

"Why should I have to be the one to change when everything is your fault!?"

And he's entirely, completely correct here.

And yet he still forces himself to change, to put up an act when he absolutely despises acts and despises the hush-hush, the "we don't talk about that" (he's a lot like Hawks in this way). He has no personal problem speaking about things in front of guests, or passerbys like the person staring at them from their car in the above panel, front and center.

Natsuo feels extremely alone. At this point, he doesn't even care who sees his pain as long as it's someone.

[greenbirdtrash]

venting again.

[TW: SA MENTION, GROOMING, OVERALL DISCUSSION OF 18+ TOPICS]

Things are...not going exactly okay this evening. I'm being thrown back and spiralling a lot again, and it's not something i usually talk about, especially here.

I haven't even realised until now how much a certain thing can affect my entire life or haunt me for years after it happened. For years i tried to shove it so deep as i could, hoping i will eventually forget about it and pretend to live a life. A normal life.

But it keeps haunting me, and now, as an adult, i suddenly found myself in so many snares closing up at once and i realised they just...always been here. Kinda. I never got out of them since it happened. I got used to them, ignored them, but they're still here, tugging at my skin and hair. They didn't go anywhere. They never did.

I really just want to scratch at my walls and howl for it to leave me alone.

I did nothing to deserve that. I never wanted that to happen and didn't even think it could happen to me. Community that took me in never was a safe space for a minor. And it's still not. I didn't had any friends or other examples of how human communication and building healthy connections should work in a normal spaces, i only got one view on the situation in my most important years of socialization and it broke me to pieces. I still don't really know what i am or...what i want.

It took them years of gaslighting and clever manipulations to make me believe i wasn't good for anything, really. That i wasn't valuable as a person, that i don't look attractive comparing to what i now know as unhealthy and unrealistic beauty standards, that none of my feelings matter. As one of them used to say, "A woman without a partner in this fandom is like a piece of steak everyone else wants to sink their teeth in". And the irony is.. At some point after all the stuff they said i did believe i was that piece of meat. It never felt right or anything, i didn't enjoy any of that, and yet i couldn't leave that company or put my feelings into words.

It took them years to break me into a complete repulsion to intimacy and sex-related things. Whatever was happening, i just accepted it as something that had to be done. That i just need to lay down and pretend like I'm having fun for a bit and then everything will be alright again, because that's what i learned to do to fit in. It was just another routine i had to adapt.

It wasn't alright. It never was, honestly.

At some point, i mastered all my courage to leave and seek professional help. It was nothing like i imagined it to be. My life didn't actually shatter, but it sure felt like it. It was a long way of recovery and getting therapy, a proper diagnosis, getting to meet and trust new people again, trying to get rid of all the harmful things, all the self-hatred that was put in my head. At some point, I've met new wonderful people and even found a loved one, and this way i learned that actual friendships and relationships are just... something completely else. I felt like i was robbed of that, yet i continued to work on fixing myself. The thing is, it's not exactly a linear process, as you probably know. And as i worked on some things, i kinda ignored and forgot other parts of my experience, thinking it would somehow heal on its own and pretending it would be okay the next time I'll have to face it because it'll be under my control and with someone i trust. After all, this whole time i was leaning more to the thought that I belong somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and i still think i do, but i never actually thought about how trauma can affect certain aspects.

Surprise! Years of grooming and the SA made me hate myself so much i got used to denying myself basic pleasure and the fun i could've had with exploring the things i like. And whenever i try to indulge or participate in something, it usually hits me with guilt and disgust to myself like a fucking truck afterwards. Who could've thought. /sarc

Who knows, maybe my gender identity was also affected by that, and now it is what it is. At least i feel comfortable with my current gender situation...well, most of the times.

I just...i don't really know where to go from that. I always projected some deep feelings onto my personal art and it did help me with acceptance of most things suggestive, kinky or sexual, i did talk with some of my closest friends about sexuality and different experiences, but i don't feel like i could talk with my current therapist about it. I just..i kinda envy all the positive, open-minded and sex-favourable people I've met (also the people I've befriended on here, ever since i joined you i've noticed how the ghost fandom in general is very supportive, open and accepting to all kind of things, kinks and people, i never felt so comfortable in a fandom before and it did affect me in a good way, i think, at least it made me explore and project my own feelings about certain things a bit), i really want to have what they have, i want to have my own fun and do things i like without that trauma haunting me and making me hate myself for being...uhh..human? Is that what it is, now?

I just feel like I've caught myself in a loop.

[bengiyo]

Bed Friend Ep 8 Stray Thoughts

Last time, things came to a terrible head with Krit, who tried to assault Uea in his office and then also tried to ingratiate himself with Uea's mom. Uea broke things off with King after he insinuated that Uea wanted Krit to be gross to him. Uea also told him mom off very loudly and publicly for protecting his abuser. Thankfully, Uea told Jade about what has been going on, and at this point Uea has resigned. He's now taking a trip to get away, but it's clear he's still thinking about King.

I don't know who this aunt is, but she's the first elder we've seen in this show that has any regard for Uea as a person, and is the only elder who has asked if they can touch Uea.

Oh, Uea. You can't text message breakup.

With how bad car violence is in Thailand, it's so alarming to see King trying to use his phone while driving stressed.

King finding out that Uea resigned because Krit finally pushed too far:

Did Net/King use a different accent when he asked for a room?

Honestly, Net and James are the most beautiful acting pairs I've ever seen.

I adore Jade. He's right to call King an idiot and chide him for all of these mixed signals.

I really love the way James embodies Uea. The way he clenches his jaw and steels himself for asking, "Do my feelings matter?" lands so clearly.

I feel like I recognize the actress playing Belle.

I'm glad Belle and King are united against their parents.

These boys talking about the intensity of their feelings. I'm gonna need Uncles Cheep and Dej to come talk to them about making it work long term.

Uea is so good about setting boundaries. It's sad because his are so constantly violated.

Net has a very affective pout.

I like seeing Uea smile in amusement again.

Holy shit that is an enormous statue.

I hope we have some Buddhist fans in the tag, because I'm curious about these rituals we're seeing in the montage.

Krit was really trying to assault an employee in a room with CCTV. This man is disgusting and stupid.

Cheewin did some nice stuff with the shots in the office lounge area.

Okay, I get why they have this confrontation with the CEO, but legitimately I hope this also went to the HR department and people were properly fired.

Did this company not have a sexual harassment policy before this incident?

I'm not a survivor, and would like to know how others feel about the company providing for Uea to seek mental health care.

I'm glad we don't have to hate Mongkol. It's good to show that Mongkol and Krit aren't on the same level, but both believed they could rely on nepotism to do whatever they want. They really just wanted him to contribute to the team.

Once again, James is so beautiful. This outdoor shot in the black and white outfit? GORGEOUS!

'"Because I'm beautiful." He's so right.

We're 43 minutes into the episode and Uea is wearing red again while King is doing everything he can to hold the horny in. Uea knows and is being a menace. I'm sure @respectthepetty is having a blast.

Oh, Uea is going to reveal his trauma to King. No more jokes.

I just really love the way these two talk to each other.

Between this and A Boss and a Babe, I'm glad to see characters taking pills for mental health reasons treated as a normal part of their health care.

Obsessed with the I'm a Weirdo shirt and how it looks like Uea's heart is bleeding, as King wears a black hoodie with a red rose over his heart.

This is uncomfortable, but it's true that Uea is likely not his only victim.

Oh lord, we gotta deal with yet another person hitting on Uea, Sorn's arrest, and King's parents striking back next week.

I'm excited for James and Net to get another show this year. I've deeply enjoyed their scene work together for the last two months.

[multiplicity-positivity]

hello, host of the system that sent that first ask about not being sure about how normal is it to find out you're plural in your early 20s, joined by 3 alters; we've come to seek some advice/positivity/comfort/kindness in times of great stress. we recently came out to a friend who also is a system, but things didn't go well at all and they have cut us all off, not without being furious, unwelcoming and in disbelief beforehand. not going into details about the things that were said (and some of their anger was justified, for we didn't make ourselves known sooner out of fear of, unsurprisingly, this kind of outcome) but it has affected us greatly; i (the host) have been not entirely lucid and our co-host (the eldest alter and the only one who can understand the elusive trauma holder in our system) is nowhere to be seen; they have never been absent like this before, and we're afraid that the rage/disgust that was directed towards us has made them go dormant, because last time someone in our system went dormant (long before i was aware of these guys), they came out with no recollection of their first time here; only their exomemories remained. we're hurting badly, and scared that there is no place for us in the world, that the suffering/trauma i as a host have been through is not enough and that we're not safe at all for they could very well find this ask (although it's highly unlikely because they have gripes with plural spaces).

we apologize if it got wordy, we just want to feel safe after all this.

-🌙 (reviewed by 🐻, 🌀 and ❄)

hey, gosh, we are so incredibly sorry y’all had to go through something like this. it seems like y’all have a lot on your plate right now, and being rejected and cut off by a friend (and fellow system, no less!) must be incredibly painful. we truly are so sorry y’all are having to go through something like this.

we’d like to share with y’all a post we made fairly recently on dormancy, with a focus on coping with the temporary loss of a headmate.

your co-host likely will not be gone forever, but it makes sense to feel lost, confused, and hurt by their absence. we hope that y’all can try to have patience, grieve in whatever ways make you feel most comfortable, and try to just sit with your emotions for a while. it’s okay to feel sad. it’s okay to feel angry. there are no wrong emotions, and it makes sense to feel hurt and overwhelmed when a headmate goes dormant like this.

about your friend…

please know that you did nothing wrong by trying to come out to your friend about your system. in addition, you keeping your system from them for so long does not in any way justify their response to their anger. it can be incredibly dangerous and terrifying revealing your system to someone else, and that is private information that you do not owe anyone. as a system themself, they should understand this. but even if they don’t, that doesn’t make it less true. it is okay to keep your system a secret for as long as you need to in order to keep your system safe and comfortable. again, you do not owe anyone this information about yourself. your friend becoming angry due to you keeping your system hidden from them is fine - there are no bad emotions and we can’t control what feelings we have in the moment. what is not justifiable at all, in our opinion, was how they reacted by cutting y’all off and directing their rage and disgust towards y’all. in fact, choosing to react in that way to us seems hateful and unkind, and they obviously have some work they need to do in order to become a better person/system.

about your feelings regarding your trauma and place in this world…

please know that you belong in this world and in the plural community as you are - no changes necessary. you are so loved, and you absolutely belong here, no doubt about it. not everyone is going to be willing to accept you or your system for who y’all are, and ultimately, that’s on them for being closed-minded and unwilling to listen and understand. we truly hope that soon you will find your people, that soon you will find yourself surrounded by folks who love each and every member of your system and are happy to accept y’all for who y’all are. we mean this with every ounce of our strength.

many traumatized individuals worry that their trauma “wasn’t bad enough” or that “someone else has had it worse.” in disorders like did and osdd, the important factor that causes these disorders to form is repeated trauma in childhood that causes the child to dissociate regularly as a result. that’s it. there’s no set of traumas that are “bad enough” for these disorders to form. if a child regularly has to dissociate to cope, if they’re not receiving adequate support from a caregiver, if they’re having to rely on themselves for emotional processing… chances are, they may end up with a dissociative disorder. even something as minor as being given a brief time out can cause a child to dissociate if they’re already prone to dissociation and cannot reliably rely on their caregivers for support. so, please trust us when we say, yes, your trauma was enough. it was enough, and you never, ever should have had to suffer the way you did. even if you think it was minor… we don’t agree. no child should be traumatized. for a child with little to no support, there is no such thing as “minor trauma.” every trauma may seem huge and have a major impact on their lives, especially if they have to deal with the aftermath alone.

anon, we are wishing your whole system peace, rest, recovery, and self acceptance. please know that you’re not alone, and you are loved just the way you are. we will never doubt your system here, and you will always be welcome here on our blog and in the plural community as a whole. in fact, the plural community is made brighter and more vibrant due to your presence in it. your friend is really missing out by choosing to let go of your friendship due to your choice to be honest and vulnerable.

we hope this helps, even if it’s just a little bit. we’re sorry this got so long-winded. please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if there’s anything we can do to help y’all in the future. please take care of each other - we really are wishing y’all the best!

🐢 kip and 💫 parker

[fabulousest333]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

in the future as a boundary I'd prefer to only answer manifestation questions without trauma dumping, so I'll be ignoring any from now on, but it's totally okay as you didn't know ❤️

as for manifestation you can revise, or shift if you'd like! both are easy. revision is changing the past, and all you need to do is say the new story of what happened in your past and the 3d will conform.

as for shifting there's lots of methods you could use, but I'm not an expert so I'd seek advice elsewhere.

and finally telling yourself you're a bad person can't mess up your manifestations, nothing can if you say so. I'd work on your self concept outside of manifestation just to help you feel better about yourself, mistakes are a normal human experience.

personally I don't believe in karma, I'm sure you won't be affected. you can use protection subliminals or spells if it's giving you stress.

good luck!

[theroundbartable]

So, I grew up in anti LGBTQ country and my family saw LGBTQ as something sinful. As I grew up and enjoy more media (especially anime/manga), I enjoy shipping non canon couples more than the canon. Then, ever since I found mlm and wlw stories (especially fanfics) and BL & GL manga/manhwa, my interest in het romance decrese a lot, and what I search for is just the dynamic between mc (male) and male lead or mc (female) and female lead.

And what I want to read mostly are just mlm or wlw stories for romance (especially for my favorite non canon couples from any media).

What do you think is happening to me? Is it weird?

Hello anon :) Let me begin by saying that I didn't quite know how to answer your question. I am spiraling with memories of how I came to read queer media, but I can hardly assume that you sought it out for the same reasons as I did, nor do I know you enough to say accurately what may be going on. But I do want to give you my two cents, if you want them. First things first, whatever I am about to assume, or say, whichever feels true, your feelings are valid and nothing weird is happening to you. You are just a person who is figuring out what they like, what they don't like, maybe even who they are. That is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing weird happening to you.

But I do understand that you may feel confused. As you said, you've been taught to be Anti-LGBT+ for- perhaps reasons (that under closer inspection likely don't make any sense. I'm speaking from experience). So, the reason you're feeling weird, is because you're going against what you've internalized as right and wrong.

I know that feeling. When I first ventured out to learn about queerness, I did to understand why my friends thought a gay boy in our parallel class was called "disgusting". Later I wanted to know how to react when one of those previously homophobic friends was about to come out as lesbian (my brother gave me a hint). But I did feel weird when I did. Even when I started shipping. But I always felt weird, regardless if the ship was queer or not. I didn't know WHY I felt weird, but I knew that me feeling weird about it WAS the weird thing. (It was repressed trauma.) So, I approached gay media because shipping m/m felt safer. I am afab, so reading f/m or f/f media felt to me like reading Y/N or first person fanfics. It was too immersive, too... real for me.

But I have to assume that this is different for you. Perhaps the very opposite. And perhaps there is a reason why you're reaching out to me. Maybe it's not 'just' going against what you've been taught. Maybe you ARE what they've demonized your whole life. Maybe it is easier for you to relate to those characters and you're sensing that there is more behind it. Maybe you are seeking for something to relate to because they are MORE immersive. If it is, that is not strange, that is totally normal. Even if you're not queer, many non queer people enjoy queer media. Heck, it's even a joke that girls read 'far too much yaoi'. It's fine. It's your preference, why would that be weird? Many people love riddles, that doesn't make them a detective and it doesn't make being a detective weird.

The point is, none of that matters. Whoever you are, whatever you prefer, you are worthy of love and of feeling safe. You don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. Take your time to get to know yourself. Experiment, research, find a label if you need it, change it, try it on, throw it out. That is what they are for. But remember, always, that you're a worthy person. Even if you end up being straight, you will be stronger for questioning it.

There is a strength in knowing who you are. And you are strong for questioning yourself. That is very sensible. And if you're going against what you've been taught, this speaks for your inner sense of justice and empathy. Being queer may mean weird, but we mean that in the best way. Being weird is normal too. Don't be afraid of what who-you-are says about you. (Be wary of what that says about them.)

[mythomaniac-freak]

I'm a mythomaniac freak

I think I am anyway. That's all I really know about myself. It hurts to not know more but these two concepts I can latch unto the most steadily, and use to explain why I exist why I do. I really don't like people- but I do! I do and I don't, its very hard. I have lots of friends, people I care about, and I know that ultimately every person on this planet and beyond is like them but a bit different. I have over 10! I just went back to count! I just can't seem to find *community* within this. I've tried, over and over again, but I ultimately can't find what I'm looking for. I am either made extremely uncomfortable and feel unsafe, or feel as though I am the one making others uncomfortable and unsafe. I like being a freak, there is fun to being part of the counter-culture which the mainstream finds disturbing: but within that I can't find my counter-culture, the freaks who I belong with. I thought I had before, I always think I do- but it always comes down to me realizing I don't feel right around these people, or feeling like they are worse off with me there. It feels like there is no place for me no matter how long I search for it, no matter how much I change, it always seems to stay the same. I don't think its loneliness, something adjacent to that. It sucks to be the freak of freaks; and I know there's many out there, I know I'm not alone in this, but that doesn't really help when I can't find the ones who fit me. Maybe I make it hard on myself, how I modify my behaviour for each person dramatically, how I snap between emotional states to best suit their context, how I desperately crave to understand them because they make me feels things that I think they feel, but I'm wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong always wrong I always misunderstand I can never understand them but my brain always thinks it does. And I know it's not true, on an intellectual level I know this isn't right, but it really does feel that even those 10+ hate something about me. With each and every one it feels like I can say the wrong thing and evoke disgust, make them question why they even speak to me. They've never indicated this but there's a coldness that I just can't escape sometimes, like I've failed them completely and would be better off disappearing. And I can try to hide this and pretend I'm working, I can seek to understand myself through trauma and the classifications of mental disorders, but I feel I am simply lost and trying so hard to find a light in the fog only to snuff each one out as I find it. For a blog no one should read I will entice you by saying I'll explain more of why I think this is the case later, but for now I want to explain the mythomaniac part; Its a bit of a joke but of all the mental disorders and problems I might have, I am most confident in this.

I decided on the term mythomania both because I love learning about ancient myth, religion, the way stories have been passed down, and because pathological lying sounds worse. But that is what I do, I do pathologically lie, to everyone around me and myself. Its frustrating, because sometimes I'll catch the words coming out of my mouth and apologize because what I just said wasn't true-other times it will take days, weeks, months, fucking years to figure it out. Its not on purpose, but there becomes a purpose once they fester long enough: once the concept becomes part of my identity I have to protect it, so new lies pop up over and over again to fill in the dots- and they're boring, I think that's why they work. They tend to be mundane, they're casual, normal, often poorly researched as I frantically google something I *should* know *should* be able to recognize means this isn't a true thing about me- but I think my issues with memory make it difficult to just snap out of it. I believe I have a series of memories that, when spoken aloud, create a narrative for my life which is mostly factual and accurate- but these memories are few and far between. Ever since moving away from the old hellhole they've remained so distant, and while I am fortunate enough that they aren't completely gone like I once worried about, they so easily blend in with anything else I might say about myself. Also throughout my life, I've been told over and over that I'm wrong and just not remembering things correctly-that I've forgotten something crucial, and despite my best attempts I am rarely able to feel satisfied in any of the four conclusions: 1. I have indeed forgotten 2. Both I and my enquirer have forgotten details together 3. I remember correctly and my enquirer has forgotten 4. My enquirer is lying Some people have lied to me in ways which make me consider it for even the most minor of discrepancies: it sounds paranoid because it is, but there is a utility in lying to someone about the most minor details, it makes them unsure of any part of their reality. And that is where I love now!

I mentioned those memories, I have no idea how true they are! They feel true, they feel true in ways others don't, but I can only rely on external evidence to validate them and that can only take me so far. And when I right now am so detached from them. Its not like I try to lie- I never do, I cannot once think of a time I intentionally lied to someone. I've considered it, I've considered going behind people's backs for purposes cruel or altruistic, but I really don't think I've ever gone through with it. Does that even matter when so much of what I do is automated? I can say over and over that I'm not trying to lie, but I don't try to say anything that I do-I will occasionally slow down and try to think through what I'm saying but so rarely does this happen that even now as I type I have paused only *twice* to consciously edit or add things: once to count roughly how many people I consider a friend, twice to add the paragraphs about being a freak of freaks and my friends hating me. But if all that I do and say and think and want is just stream of consciousness, if none of it is planned, does the lying being unplanned make it any different? I don't know how many people I've really hurt, hurt in ways they will remember and impact them forever: I am sorry, I don't know what I can do to fix it, I want to but I just don't know how. Just writing that it sounds like it means nothing, apologizing to no one because I hate myself. I do hate myself, I try to think I've gotten through it but I fucking haven't, I need to stop lying to myself but I can't get a hold on what is true and real. I don't know if I'll ever feel real, if I'll ever feel like a genuine person: that's another lie, often enough I do, but deep down I fear that this question always lingers to rise from my stomach and grab my throat, that when I reflect on everything that's ever happened to me I will always have to ask Was I lying? Was I making it up? Was this really how I felt? Did this even happen? And I don't think I'll ever know, I don't think life can be proven to you and even if it can be I don't know how to prove it.

So welcome to the beginning and end of my blog! I plan on posting more, probably mostly how I feel, I figure once I write those out these will be the endpoint. I don't want to delete any of this I think, even if I come to hate it later I want to look back and understand the times where I felt truly honest with myself. The times where, and say it with me folks, I was a mythomaniac-freak!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: COCSA & CSA

Desperately seeking advice.

About two years ago, I started vaguely remembering some incidents from childhood in which I was sexually abused by both an adult and another child (separate incidents). It really messed me up for a while to remember but I’ve done a lot of journaling and writing to work through it a little bit and for the most part I am fine.

However, recently some more memories have started to emerge and it’s really really messing with my head. My sister is about a year and a half older than me and we used to play house a lot when we were kids. It was usually very innocent. But some fuzzy memories have made me feel extremely guilty and disgusted with myself. I was maybe 7 or 8 and going through a phase where I was heavily sexualizing things- not necessarily sexualizing myself but looking for erotic stories and images and the like- looking back now, this might’ve had to do with the things that happened to me. A few times when we played house it would get to a weird place. We never removed clothing but boundaries were definitely crossed. My memory is extremely fuzzy but to my recollection it was almost always my idea. I am now terrified and disgusted that I might have been the abuser in a COCSA situation and i can’t remember it in enough detail to make sense of it. I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and disgust and i want to throw up every time i think about it. our current relationship is mostly good and normal. i can’t bring this up and make things awful and weird. i have been reading up on COCSA and survivor’s stories and i don’t know what to do and i don’t know if i actually did something terrible and unforgivable.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. I'm glad to hear that journaling has been helping you process your experiences. Please know that your feelings are valid.

This situation is complex, because on one hand there is some level of responsibility and accountability to take, but it's important to remember that you were also a child and your prefrontal cortex was actively developing, which is responsible for judgment calls and decision making. So while it's appropriate to feel guilty about what happened, it's also worth understanding that you may have been too young to fully comprehend the gravity of your actions to begin with. Reaching a place where you can have some forgiveness for yourself can be a necessary first step in healing and moving forward from this experience and the feelings surrounding it.

Though your sister may not want to discuss it, you may want to consider thinking of a way you can approach discussing this with her, if you feel an apology is appropriate in this situation. Even just writing out your thoughts may provide a therapeutic catharsis for you to process your feelings.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate your trauma, gain useful insights into self forgiveness, process your feelings surrounding perpetrating COCSA, and guide you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[fandom-fic-prompts-and-shit]

Prompts #1 Alastor

WARNING

First two sections are not too upsetting, but the 3rd references non-con, self harm and more!

<3

❤️Wholesome Prompts

-Alastor learns about asexuality, but he finds modern labels distasteful and argues that such a thing doesn’t apply to him. Alastor grows to accept his asexuality (Though, whether or not he ever becomes comfortable using that modern label I don’t know- I don’t think he would but crazier things have happened!)

-Alastor with a trauma disorder that doesn’t involve Vietnam style war flashbacks for once maybe! His trauma could start causing dissociation which makes completing tasks difficult. Optional wholesome interactions with another character who encourages Alastor to seek support for his problems- though that’s a tall ask considering how prideful Al is. Many options here, one of them could be of c-ptsd, DID/OSDD or BPD.

- Ace date. Alastor has a date with another character, but it is strictly platonic. A wholesome opportunity to write him just having some fun.

❣️A little darker

-Age regression fic (this one is SFW what do ya think I am??) that maintains Alastor’s prideful nature. Perhaps regression in Alastor is less obvious than suddenly talking and acting like a full on child. Instead, he may opt to be alone when regressing with only the company of stuffed friends- in a secluded space where he’s not immediately worried about being attacked or barged in on. He might opt to avoid talking as much as possible when regressed even if he’s alone as hearing himself sound so “pitiful” probably doesn’t help his ego (he’s a proud motherfucker like damn bitch chill your ego is hue). When approached in a regressed state, he could try to avoid conversation as much as possible while doing his best to act “normal”.

Optional: Another character slowly and carefully encourages Al to express his regressed self more freely in a safe environment away from others (with only said character present as a caregiver.)

-Everyone thinks Alastor is sexy, how does he really feel about it? Is he flattered so long as they don’t flirt with him? Or perhaps the mere idea of people potentially seeing him as an object of desire disgusts or upsets him. Lots to explore here!

-Sex pollen/potion with a twist: When doused with some kind of potion or substance that usually causes intense sexual urges, Alastor just gets extremely cuddly and craves physical affection like petting or anything else of that nature.

Bonus points if even under the potion he’s hesitant to request this affection and finally has to blurt it out and embarrass himself a bit when the urge gets too intense and painful. (I’m so normal about Alastor, can you tell?)

💔Trigger Warning worthy:

-Losing a bet to one of the Vees. I might write this one, but if you like it you can use it to! Here was the little idea I had:

Al loses a bet to one of the Vees, perhaps in relation to angel dust I’ve seen a few fics where Alastor is the one to try and change Angel’s contract or free him so this could work or something else! I don’t feel like Al would be willing to offer his own soul, and since he’s on a “leash” I doubt he can, so I would have the conditions of his loss be that he serves (whichever of the Vees is chosen) for a finite period of time like a week/month.

-Sex Potion, still aware and able to verbally fight; but succumbs physically. (I like to hurt him a little too much ha.)

-Self harm but less from a “listens to my chemical romance, razor in hand” (sorry;-;) and more “Anxiety/panic = scratching, digging into his skin with his claws, hair pulling” etc.

-Horror birth. A classic. Parasitic being+ victim +parasitic baby birth.

-Forced feminization. This isn’t a whole prompt but it you added this to any of the above fics it could be fun.

-Consent to non-consent. Starts off consensual, Alastor attempts to nope out when he realizes how disgusting it all feels but for whatever reason this attempt is not respected and Al can’t do anything about it.

-Forced transformation into an angel and ensuing body horror. If my fellow trans-venters so desire, maybe angel Al for whatever reason is more fem than he was as a demon, but that’s fully optional. There are plenty of ways for cis angel Alastor to be horrified!

[justmyhumanexperience]

Calling out "Narcissists" Trend

The other day I read a post by a page I follow on facebook. In the post he talked about a trend that seems to get more and more popular by the day. It's about hunting "narcissists". Now I understand that these types of people are problematic in todays society and that we all need to be vigilant in regards to who we let into our lives to protect ourselves and the people around us but this type of behavior isn't okay. These groups are attacking people solely based on someone showing even the slightest bit of narcissistic tendencies and then provoking them to prove their point based on those reactions. It's absolutely abhorrent and needs to stop. In acting out this type of behavior you've become the very thing you're supposedly trying to seek out, a monster. Now this is a tough pill for some people to swallow but it's a fact, we are all capable having some narcissistic tendencies, it's normal and healthy. These type of tendencies only become unhealthy when someone has an abundance of them and doesn't take accountability for their actions and wreaks havoc on their own lives and everyone in it. This is why narcissism exists on a spectrum and running around labeling someone this term just based on one interaction you've had with them is disgusting. It's become a huge problem in society where a lot of people tend to take one moment out of someone's life and use that to define their entire life. Now, in saying this I'm not telling anyone who has suffered from narcissistic abuse not to speak their truth. In fact, I encourage more people to speak out about their experiences but to just keep in mind that, yes you've been through something horrible but don't use that experience to feel justified in labeling someone a narcissist. What you might not know is that other mental health conditions have overlapping symptoms with NPD and it would greatly increase a set back in someone's life if you saw them display one of these symptoms and then mislabeled them and then they get hated on for simply existing. This is even more troubling because victims of narcissistic abuse tend to display similar characteristics as someone with NPD because they are experiencing that trauma over and over again until they are able to heal. Simple things from a situation that traumatized them could trigger them into acting out in a way they normally wouldn't. Not a lot of people understand that when you are with a narcissist for a long time it changes you. You grow to adapt to not wanting to trigger them but you're also suppressing so much of yourself at the same time. You lose yourself in your people pleasing but you also lash out at people when something reminds you of an event from your trauma. This is why it's important to be vigilant about who you let into your life while also being receptive to someone else's possible struggles. As the old saying goes, Never judge a book by its cover.

[gracilicorpus]

It’s so funny to me that you can go through years of TRAUMA , but as soon as you gain the weight back people never ask you how you feel again or how your days been or like care for you? I understand why people get sickly thin like that’s the only way you get attention and people caring for you.

I’m living alone and I’m going to start my weight lost journey , I’m not even fat or anything, I’m very strong actually cuz I have been hitting the gym for a while and I look very good ngl, like I look “womengly” lol

But I really really badly want to model like realllly bad , that’s been my dream for the longest and I’m really striving for it this time, if I want to model I have to lose like 20 pounds, I have curves so they gotta go, I’m calling it now(yea I know I’m delusional) but my goal is that next winter I will be modeling for diesel( yes yes I know I’m delusional lool, let me be), but that is my goal!!

Living alone has caused me to purge a lot, I binge and purge but that’s to expensive and I have to stop doing that. I’m literally so fkn broke lool #yeycollagelife, but I’m gonna aim to eat 1000 kcal and do as minimum exercise as possible, if I want to eat more I’ll have to walk 10 000 steps, so yeah that my goal and I will make it by may!

I was thinking to seek therapy because living alone has really showed me how fkn fkd in the head I am, like I’m sooo weird man💀 living alone is so scary because I can just do the bad things I have always been wanting to do at home, like I can just openly purge and stuff without locking the wc door or turning the shower on, but I’m so lonely man, I genuinely hate myself and I just want to like me okey and normal, I really thought my problems would go away after I moved but they just in my head, it’s even worse now because I can’t even get my sadness or madness out anywhere, I’m constantly waking around with a lump in my throat, I miss living with my friend because then my eating became so natural, now it’s just rly bad again and I’m either eating to little or binging, it’s just a rlly big problem and I feel so disgusting and ugly and I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ! Like what am I even doing like I’m FKN TRYING why can’t I just be fkn better when I’m actually fkn trying

No one will obv read this but this is me just ranting if someone did lol, this embarrassing af lol, no but ehmmm the only guy I ever liked I decided to push away ! Yeeey like he made me better , I wanted to be better for him and then I was like “nah he ain’t all that” and now I miss him and regret it:) Yey love my decisions

Literally want to just end it all, like I’m such a bad bad bad person. I was thinking maybe overdosing , but it just so mean to my parents, I don’t know what my dad would do like would he be mad at me or like would he become depressed again ? My mom would she like cry everyday forever or would she be strong for her other children. My sister? Would she be happier without me? It feels like she would, by brother they are still young they would probably forget me ina couple years, but like my best friend maaaan I miss living with her , I do think I love her more than she loves me but I’m okey with that because she’s my safe person, when thing were shit home I had her always and she had me, like what would she do? Would she maybe have a picture of me as her lock screen ? Or maybe listen to a song on repeat that she knows I liked ? Honestly I’m really trying for my family and my best friend but I’m just wondering if it’s normal to be this miserable so long, like I’m grown soon and I’m still so out of it, never been in a relationship, never have I done anything out of my comfort zone, I’m just so like I’m just filling up space for no reason, did God make a mistake putting me here, it feels like that,

But yeah mm I’ll update this page, I have no one to talk to so I’ll just post my thought here sometimes :) yeah

[mamaslearning]

Blindside

we've hurt each other

in only ways we knew how

we've hurt others

but that part was obvious

it has been 10 years of marriage

and we get to see sides of us that we are not aware

and whenever we see those sides

we tried calling each other out

sometimes we got it right

sometimes it made us unhealthy

moreso when there wasn't a grown up in our marriage

at an ideal time to learn more about ourselves and explore life

we were faced to handle the role of becoming parents and spouse

it hurts how bad we were at disagreements

it hurts worse to clarify our own sides

and articulate how the other appears to be

the shadows of history

the trauma of failed communication

bears a heavy weight that is more than enough

to call everything quits

im not sure if this is normal

im not sure if somebody can help

that even the minutest trivial thing

of any person's multiple facets

would be magnifed

to be complicatedly obstructive

of the dreamy idea that is marriage

by the reality of itself, marriage

with every beautiful thing that we have, we break

and in that essence,

we truly needed to be broken

we asked to be broken

we yearned to learn more

we were desperate to know what is it that we don't

so life had to hit us with the reality of living through it

our ever-blazing spirit of curiosity

in seeking how to materialize ideals that merely started from possibilities

made us ever-hopeful

for a future so bright

that whatever brings pain

appears to be a simple shadow

that proves how glaringly blinding

whatever tomorrow is

yet there are moments that are so damn painful

as if they demand to be felt

as if for the purpose that we may remember

and in the hopes of remembering

we may learn

is this resilience?

is this faith?

acknowledging the reality of the mess, the hurt, the cringe, the incompetence, the stupidity, the youth, the innocence, the past

just pushes us to move forward and be better at this

staying in one place for growth was never true for you nor me

through this, i think maybe

there are still old-self ideals that we hold close

for now, they seem invisible and cannot be called out

as they don't seem to harm us

but when the opportunity arises

that we have to let go of what helped us,

of our proven solutions,

of what our hard-earned answers were

that messy process proved us one skill to embrace:

to be brave and embrace another nerve-wracking change

to be comfortable with that uncomfortable feeling of being humbled by mistakes and shortcomings

acknowledge that even if they were originally meant with the absolute best of intentions and careful preparations

things need to change

designing plans with our minds that are ready to change

from best to better than best

a competition not so adorned by a suspecting audience

but only by our future selves

self-made pressure

choosing this life of attaing goals

worlds of limitless future is made reality

by accounts of disgusting history

in which we learn not to repeat

the present of being open to mistakes, brokenness, humiliation, but still putting our better selves forward

gives clarity to all our whys

i wouldn't be surprised if you chose to end things with me

with all my heart i've seen you succeed

as i know you can

and i know you will

dragging you so low with my slow and messy process

i too would vote for your progress

and i will still take this learning

written after 10 years of marriage

without me asking

you have bought me time

i'll take it

as rough as i am now

wait for me?

for 5 more years?

[4x01]

actually sick with disappointment regarding how some people are responding to [gestures to yesterday]