#it’s making me dysphoric and I’m cis!! I don’t want to hear about what you think is a universal girl trait!! JUST CALL IT DINNER

[kneworder]

y’all I can’t take this girl dinner girl math girl construction just a silly girl what’s the girl equivalent of the Roman Empire be a girl’s girl so glad Barbie made it okay to be feminine again clean girl star girl girl girl girl. shut up shut up shut up.

[trevorendeavors]

So. That Florida Bathroom Bill, huh?

TW: bathroom bills, transphobia, internalized transphobia.

I ain’t beating around the bush. I will be using strong language here. If that ain’t your cup of tea or if you’re just here for my usual brand of gay fanart and fic, it’s okay to scroll past this post. Really. I won’t judge. This is one doozy of a vent.

For the people in my DMs asking me if I’m okay (as a trans person in Florida considering recent bathroom bill bullshit) I’m just… sitting here with an exasperated sigh.

It’s funny that the first time I hear of this is from a DM from someone on the other side of the world. I’ve been deliberately avoiding lgbt Florida news for some time because the more I think about it, the harder it is to be civil in transphobic conversations.

Last night I was deadnamed in front of a few people, and today at my graduation I’ll likely be deadnamed in front of a whole convention center. That’s what I get for not changing my name legally, huh. Oh well. Didn’t wanna go through all the paperwork just yet (in case I go for a different name) so I’m stuck with the one I’m sure I don’t want.

So again, I try not to think about it.

But yeah. It sucks.

Honestly? The bathroom bill doesn’t change much for me. It’s still the same shit as always.

The one time I went into the men’s restroom, I freaked out a cis guy so badly (poor dude was genuinely scared of ME accusing HIM of something bad) that I never did that again.

As for women’s restrooms (the one I most frequently use) that’s a whole other deal. Most days, I don’t pass. I’ll just go out and say that. I have a high voice, boobs, and a bit of hips. Some days I dress really feminine too, so it only makes sense. No one here is going to buy “see I LOOK like a woman but no see I’m secretly a ‘man but not quite’ inside but I wear makeup as a kind of exaggerated cosplay of a gender I am NOT, y’see?”

I don’t want to have a nuanced discussion of gender in the bathroom. Most people 30+ in age don’t even know what non-binary is and barely get the concept of trans. As much as I love being and educator and advocate, after a long road trip I want to piss and get on with my life. Also cis men have told me the horror stories of male bathrooms (how do you get shit ON the ceiling????) and then I’m thankful to have been “born a woman” or whatever.

Most days I don’t think about it too hard. But on my more dysphoric days or when on the blessed days I do genuinely pass more masc - when I go into the bathroom looking like this:

I genuinely don’t know which bathroom to use.

It’s embarrassing. Especially when there’s no family restroom available. And when I go to the women’s restroom, I sometimes get these looks. Brief, surreptitious glances they think I don’t notice. To ease tensions, I lift my pitch and give a compliment. I even puff out my (binded) breasts slightly as if to say, “Yes, I have tits and a pussy, does that soothe your cisnormative and petty fears that I would assault you?”

Jesus, some days I wish I could say that quote outright. But I can’t, and I know it’s not fair to them. They’re scared, I get it. I remind them of a traumatic experience. Sometimes, certain people who have nothing to do a trauma invoke fears of it unintentionally by raising their voices or saying something off or even existing. But that’s MY responsibility to fucking deal with that. Other people can’t help existing.

By and large, people with transphobic tendencies here are usually nice. Beyond, nice even. They’ll help you host a spontaneous ice cream party. They’ll buy you allergy meds when you’re choking. They’ll take you in after your mother kicked you out. Like I said, genuinely sweet and kind people.

Which makes it harder when they accuse trans people of transitioning to skirt military drafts, to cheat at sports, to deal with mommy issues. When they equate gays to sex crimes (yes, the ones you’re thinking of). When they refuse to call you your full name. When they call you a baby who refuses to clean her pooped diapers.

I try to be nice. But by god, is my patience waning…

By. Fucking. god.

I’m tired of the way it’s affected me. Making me feel worth less than cis folks, like my feelings matter less. Even worse, I hate how it makes me jealous and spiteful towards younger trans folks in better situations. Younger trans folk I don’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an excuse to mistreat them the way I was mistreated. And I’m genuinely glad that they’re living a better life. I have to work on these thoughts, it’s my responsibility. It would be nice, though, to live in a world where I could devote more energy to celebrating our collective existence instead of surviving it.

That being said, I’m grateful for the people here and in person who have stuck by my guns. The people who check in on my when shit gets worse in terms of politics.

What helps most?

What really helps is when people get mad WITH me. For so long I was told my anger was something to be stowed away, to be quietly extinguished with calm words or relieved by some masturbatory exercise of civil discourse. You know. Where you get off to talking civilly but don’t actually get anywhere and you still have to live in a world that was just as transphobic as before. I just want people to be pissed WITH me. To share in my anger and frustration. To join me as I slam the desk, flip the table, and cry to the heavens,

This fucking sucks

Right now this matters to me even more than action. These check ins, sharing in my anger - it helps, it really does. Makes me feel less alone in the world.

[call-me-lemon]

My oopsies make me sad

If I do mean things, most of the time they aren't on purpose. I'm just stupid and I struggle with changing habits.

If I meet someone and sometime after we’ve already gotten comfortable they come out as trans I probably will mess up their pronouns on accident, because I have. I said the wrong one, flipped to the opposite end of the gender spectrum as a reflex, then screamed in frustration before finally referring to them as the them they are. They just laughed it off because I did it on accident and I got it in the end so no harm no foul I suppose but I still feel guilty about it, and this happened like a year or two ago now. I don't want to make anyone feel dysphoric just because my brain is too small that once something is set in stone its just stuck there forever even if I'm actively trying to take it out. Like half of my friend group has come out as some form of not cis and I love them for being their true and honest selves but there's so many of them and sometimes they change preferred pronouns a second time because they're still figuring it out but I get overwhelmed in large calls or groups so I don't hear the new ones said out loud often enough to realize there even is a new one until I forget who in the server is named “The big cement mixer” And go to check and realize that them p-nouns in the bio are different so now I have to fix that in my brain immediately even though we haven't spoken one on one on a call for several months and will probably not speak for several more months but if I don't get that fixed now then I cant refer to them in my head by those pronouns and if I don't change the ones in my head then how am I supposed to change the ones I say out loud? My brain is the size of a kernel of corn, I am one big empty balloon with a single piece of glitter stuck to the side, all the empty space in my brain is filled up with remembering Pokémon names, sea shanties, and at what time I need to get up to talk to my gf as soon as she's home from school, I try so hard to get it right but I'm the big dumb stupid and sometimes I fuck up and I don't want anyone else to suffer from my mistakes. Its gotten to the point where I have to convince myself that the inauthentic birth-aligned version of my friends are dead now, they've been gutted and split in twain and what has emerged from the flesh cocoon, free of whatever arbitrary standards were weighing down the original, is my actual friend, my real friend being their happiest selves and living their best lives being who they were always meant to be. That process is the only reliable way to get the old pronouns out of my brain. It wasn't that hard with Pluto. I grew up with Pluto the planet, but when I was told it was actually a dwarf planet the whole time I just accepted it and referred to it as a dwarf planet from that moment on, why is it so much more difficult with people whos emotions are on the line? Pluto wont feel dysphoria if I call it a planet on accident, why is that one my free pass? Let me say the right words god damn it. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[rivetgoth]

how do you cope w bottom dysphoria during sex / any advice? i prefer topping but straps/harnesses still make me somewhat uncomfortable

First off I hear you 100%. I don’t really like to top, and it is in part because straps and harnesses make me really dysphoric and always have. The awareness that I’m using a tool that doesn’t have any sensation and isn’t attached to penetrate honestly just makes it worse and strengthens the awareness that it’s not really my dick lol. There was a time I tried to use a fleshlight and it was the exact same thing, I felt awful after from the dysphoria that it brought about from the awareness that my dick wasn’t like, functionally like a cis male’s. So, for full disclosure, I generally consider myself a bottom preferably, and my advice might not be fully aligned with your feelings but here are my thots on the topic since I’m sexually active and dysphoric :]

For me I’d say that I sort of had to make peace with the fact that what I have is what I have for the time being. I’m thankful that being on T hugely changed the exterior of my genitals and I have a decent sized dick and that was a MASSIVE improvement. But there was just this reality (that it took me a long time to accept because it did initially make me feel like less of a man) that I wanted to bottom. I actually forced myself into some pretty deeply uncomfortable sexual situations when I was younger where I’d force myself to top and it never felt good. I would honestly say I wasn’t able to have a comfortable relationship with my body sexually at all until I’d been on T for at least a year and gotten top surgery. It was only after those things that I actually started to have a sex life where I felt genuinely like a willing participant who could enact and advocate for my own desires authentically. And even then, I’d say a huge part of it was also finding a partner who was patient and understanding and didn’t make me feel pressured to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with or ready for. Realistically, I think I would be more into topping occasionally, or at least penetrating (even if still in a subby role), if I had an attached, cis penis, but I don’t, so I make do with what I do have and what I can enjoy.

So I kinda came to terms with the fact that at this point there aren’t any devices that would make it feel like I had a functional cis penis and the present bottom surgery options don’t do it for me, they each have their own cons that keep me from pursuing them that I don’t need to get into in too much depth unless someone is curious. They’re incredible medical advancements and I’m glad they exist, and the answer for you very well may be pursuing these options down the line if you feel like you need it, but I had to weigh what I really wanted and came to terms with the fact that my desire for a cis penis doesn’t outweigh the financial cost, recovery time, risks, and downsides of phallo, while metoidioplasty would not produce a result that significantly differed from what I already have and still would not give me the ability to have sex the same as someone with a standard cis male penis.

So like, with that “out of the way” it just becomes a matter of what I’m actually enjoying and looking at things practically, you know? I enjoy bottoming. I have a vagina and frankly it feels good to have something in there. I like being a sub and being penetrated that way is a great tool for degradation and submission type stuff. On a practical level I can come to terms with using it because it’s what I have. A huge part of enjoying sex as a trans person (perhaps especially as what I’d call a “partially transitioned” trans person lol) is self advocacy and learning to reframe sexuality IMO. Instead of “if my body could just do X then I’d do Y,” it becomes “what feels good and what do I want right now, with the choices laid out before me?” I do top occasionally with a strap nowadays, it’s not my biggest preference but I have a partner I love and we mess around with all sorts of things and for me the enjoyment I can glean from the strap is refocusing my view of it from “I wish this was my dick but the fact that I can’t feel anything destroys the illusion” to “I want to make my partner feel good, see her from this angle, and know that I’m the one responsible for fucking her right now.” Does that make sense at all? Same with bottoming, reframing my mindset from “a cis man wouldn’t have a vagina so how can I be a real man if I enjoy vaginal penetration” to “I have this and it feels good to use it” was so liberating for me.

I also cannot stress enough how pivotal becoming shamelessly freaky with sex was for me. Like getting involved in kink, reclaiming fetish terms like cuntboy, really owning my desires and my body and viewing it as this tool for sensation and pleasure in a way that transcends any preconceived notions for how it “should” be and just focusing on pleasure. I’m VERY very aware that dysphoria cannot be willed away by just reorienting your mindset, hence why I just spent half a thousand dollars on the best prosthetic penis on the market. There are certain times during sex where I just can’t do it, either I have to stop completely for the time being or I have to do something different. Even the shit I jerk off to can be dependent on where I’m at with my dysphoria. I suppose that’s attached to a larger convo about how I don’t think there is a perfect way to “cure” dysphoria even THROUGH transitioning, it obviously helps but there is sort of a balancing act that has to happen between transitioning and also reframing your mindset through accepting who you are as you’re transitioning. Like, if you go into hormone therapy expecting that it’ll make you feel like a “real man” it’ll probably only lead to disappointment and bitterness over what it can’t do, rather than seeing it as a tool to take ownership of your body and push the boundaries of the physical self and craft yourself into the most authentic version of yourself possible. I fully believe transition is nothing short of an act of self love, you feel me? And sex should be the same haha.

ETA: OH! Forgot to mention, but it also helped a lot to read about cis men with micropenises, as well as cis male bottoms in my case — realizing that there ARE cis men who encounter similar issues and experiences as us was very reassuring and inspiring too.

[daddyd0nt]

Imagine being so un-oppressed that u think people not finding u sexually attractive or indulging some constructed “identity” (which is a bullshit postmodernist notion in the first place) or being told to use the facility that is built to cater to ur biological sex is oppression. Y’all understand that trans people literally ARE oppressed, right? It took my one friend months to find a home because every time she showed up and the landlord saw she was visibly trans they magically found another renter even when the deal had already been all but done until the landlord saw her appearance. She had similar trouble getting hired for a job (and not a prestigious job either, like a min wage customer service/fast food shift). A trans girl I went to school with was murdered by a man who took her home as a drunk hookup and killed her when she told him she had a penis (she probably thought she was giving him a graceful opportunity to bow out of he wasn’t interested). He didn’t kill her because she tricked him into sexual activity but because she’d “wasted his opportunity” to pick up a cis girl after they went home together according to the testimony he gave. He was sentenced to 10 years but will be up for parole in 4. My friend Jesse was kicked out of his house at 15 and lived homeless on the streets of NYC until his mid 20s because his parents couldn’t accept their trans son. “Terfs” are not the problem. People who don’t subscribe to postmodernist gender theory or lesbians who simply don’t want to suck a dick are not the ones out there making the world dangerous and hard to navigate for you. Not wanting vulnerable afab trans men forced into dangerous male spaces for the validation and comfort of Amab trans women was what distanced me from the TRA movement in the first place. But it’s not the big bad terfs who are hurting u, it’s ACTUAL transphobes who have ACTUAL hate for trans and GNC people, mostly rooted in homophobia, who u need to be using ur energy to fight against instead of wasting it doxxing children’s book authors who say that there are cases in which biological sex is a necessity to acknowledge. There ARE people who hate trans/gnc people and want to make life worse for them. Terfs are not those people. But then again it’s easier to fight disobedient women than dangerous men, isn’t it? Also for the record I have not been a radfem in ages, mainly due to my disagreement with their stance on things like PIV, compulsory separatism, and especially art censorship and controversial media consumption. Also I’m literally detransitioned. And finally, Terf is a stupid term because radical feminists never excluded trans people, they excluded MALE people, they are some of the only people I hear arguing for the protection of trans men against sex based violence in male facilities so they actually care about the safety of trans/gnc/dysphoric more than most TRAs I’ve seen do. But like I said it’s easier to pretend disobedient women are scary than it is to resist actually scary violent men isn’t it?

[ettucamus]

having lots of Gender feelings today. i’ve been on T for a while and just had my top surgery and i am genuinely the most comfortable i have ever felt in my body in my entire life, and more importantly, the most *healthy*. for the second reason, it actually really upsets me when people discuss medical transition as an “unnatural” thing “society pushes” upon people and not a legitimate medical treatment. i’m not going to pretend i understand why and where my dysphoria comes from but i have been acutely aware of it before i had even heard the word lesbian or butch. i have wanted to pursue top surgery and HRT for exactly a decade, as of this year. and i know for a fact all medical transition i have pursued has tangibly improved my health in multiple ways.

i was so dysphoric to the point i was agoraphobic, it was agonizing to leave my house without binding and i would come home crying because of all of the homophobic things i’d hear for being perceived as a cis butch and how uncomfortable it was to be seen as a cis woman by the greater cishet society. i also have a blood disorder, in which having menstrual cycles exacerbates clinical anemia and basically leaves me bedridden for the entirely of the cycle. T? completely fixed that. my small, sickly blood cells actually got larger and increased in count to the point where i am no longer clinically anaemic, i have a ton of energy to do the things i love, and am not relying on financial assistance to pay rent or buy food because i’m so sick.

also, i can just go about my business and people largely leave me alone because i pass as male. sure, i could spend years of my life trying to make sense of why i have these feelings and why my general existence being perceived as a Cis Woman used to feel so painful, but to be honest it feels a bit ridiculous because i know myself and my identity fairly well now. i feel great identifying as a butch knowing i can be as muscular, hairy, deep voiced as i want to and i can have a femme lover who still sees the softness, still sees my butchness and lesbianism, and doesn’t think i’m a man. and the people who think that i’m “too manly” are really just parroting the same butchphobic and misogynistic bullshit that has been circulating for forever. i don’t necessarily identify as a WomanTM but if i did, there’s absolutely no reason why a woman can’t enjoy being hairy, muscular, flat chested and deep voiced. so what if you weren’t born with it? i wasn’t born with my tattoos or piercings either but i’m still happy i have/had them.

honestly, i love being a passing butch in the 21st century. i love being able to stomp all over men, be a dominant and masculine person, and to not be ridiculed or isolated or fired for it. maybe it’s the easy way out but honestly, i’ve had such a fucking difficult life in so many ways that i feel like i am allowed to not want to experience daily discrimination and hate crimes. i love the fact i can come home to a femme who sees me and loves my butchness and understands how *hard* and how much *work* it is to exist as butch no matter if you decide to medically transition or not. either way, there are going to be people who don’t understand my identity and don’t understand who i am, but (if i had one) my femme sees her butch, other lesbians and queer people mostly still recognize that this person isn’t a man, and that’s more than enough for me. at the end of the day, being a passing butch means i’m not looking for cis/heterosexual approval in my transition, but looking after my physical health and safety in a world that still absolutely wants to kill and hurt people like me.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

i know you’ve been open about your opinions on nonbinary genders but it’s still disappointing. like, that r/agender anon… how do you know that these people are cis? how do you know if all of these people are dysphoric or not? it’s such a huge generalization to make. did it ever occur to you that most agender people aren’t comfortable as EITHER gender? i just don’t understand why you’re so dismissive to the experiences of nb people. i really don’t. i’m a binary trans guy and it makes total sense to me how gender is more complicated than “man or woman”.

Listen. When someone tells me the reason they don't identify as a girl is because they don't like makeup, or because they didn't enjoy Barbie's growing up, or maybe because they don't feel comfortable wearing revealing clothes like they see other girls do. And they use that to claim they are trans-- ya I'm gonna question it. Cuz those are all gender roles. I loved Barbie's growing up, so did my cisgender little brother. Had a cisgender friend, and she hated them. Same thing with makeup. The clothes one is the only one that really holds any value. But your assumption should be to first explore if it's body dysmorphia or being uncomfortable because of objectification.

There are hundreds of reasons why someone would feel uncomfortable in their body that have nothing to do with being trans. And anyone who's immediately reaction to any of those reasons is to say it must be gender dysphoria or say they're trans is gonna get a hard pass from me. You gotta rule out the other stuff first. Same goes for anyone who describes being trans as a "feeling." Cuz there is no way to "feel like a women/man." You just are what you are and the disconnect will manifest in various ways.

I'm not actually opposed to nonbinary at all. And I've said so before in my posts. My issue is that the ones that claim that nonbinary is apart of the trans community ALSO explain it as a feeling. Describing issues that stem from gender roles not gender itself. Things that would be solved if we lived in a society where gender roles didn't exist. And that harms trans people a lot.

There i already a big misunderstanding of what it means to be trans. A lot of people think that it ties into gender roles. But it has nothing to do with them at all. If the world was perfectly equal in terms of gender, and there were no gender roles, I would still be trans.

What I hear a lot of nb people talk about is things that would be solved by pushing for social change. But instead they just create a new gender and call it a day. That doesn't fix anything. If you don't feel like a women because you want to be able to wear and look however you want without the judgement and social stereotypes that come with being a women that's 100% understandable. The solution however, is not to separate yourself from women but to work towards getting rid of that social stigma. So you can be yourself and be stressed about it.

I have yet to see any nb people (afab or amab) describe their experiences in ways that actually sound like their talking about gender instead of gender roles. I really don't mind and even support the idea of nb if it was actually about gender itself and the physical body. But every reason I'm shown looks like it's related to social issues and then described as being trans (which feels like a big slap in the face) or they describe body dysmorphia instead of gender dysmorphia (which points towards body shaming issues NOT transgender).

I'm not gonna tell someone what they are or aren't. I'm a firm believer that everyone has to come to their own realizations of who they are on their own in their own time. The only time you should share your opinion is if they ask for it. But that doesn't mean you can't talk about the harm that a special issue or label has. I'm not singling anyone out. I'm just talking about the very very common problems that I find with nonbinary people as a whole.

[ftmbitch]

okok ok ur writing is really hot, uhhh so if ur up for posting more my prompt is: being slowly forced to detransition by my trans roommate during lockdown

i love me some t4t forced detrans so you’ve asked the right guy haha 

warnings: forced detransition, dubcon 

1.4k words (sorry, my hand slipped) 

you met your roommate through some friends. a lot of them are gay, or trans. you didn’t actually know your roommate was trans at first, he passed so well. actually, you thought he was the one cishet in the group, since you knew he was only into girls, and you figured he was cis. eventually, you were looking for a place, he was looking for a place, and you ended up living together. separate bedrooms, but only one bathroom. you didn’t find out he was trans until you went into the bathroom after he had unpacked his toiletries and you saw his testosterone stuff on the shelf. you hadn’t started hormones yet, but you still recognized that stuff from your other trans friends. you asked him about it, and he was kind of surprised. “oh. yeah, i thought you knew i was trans. i mean, i came out like eight years ago, so i guess i just don’t think about it much anymore.” you were a little surprised, but it didn’t really change anything. it did make you a little more dysphoric, though. you had other trans friends close in their transition to you, and some who’d been out for years, but living in close proximity with a guy who passed so well, and had hormones and top surgery like you dreamed of, it just made you feel a little sad. you were happy for him, but you were jealous. you knew he was just living his life, and that one day you’d be just like him. 

or, so you thought. 

within your first few months of living together, you felt a little put down by him. he’d make these passing comments about your voice, your soft, hairless face, the fact that you didn’t have to shower as much as him because girls- i mean, you know, dudes who aren’t on t, don’t sweat as much. in quarantine, you couldn’t get away from it. you couldn’t go see your other pre-t friends. you just had to stay here, with him. his comments made you a little uncomfortable, but not enough to say anything. he wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just at such a different point than you were and wasn’t quite as sensitive to the pre-t struggle as he once was. that’s all, right? that’s all, you told yourself. 

one day, you walk into the kitchen to grab a snack without your binder on while he’s in there cooking. when you turn around from the cabinet, you catch him staring, mouth slightly open, at your chest. 

“sorry! sorry. i just...sorry. i didn’t mean to.” you brush it off. you sit down to watch tv, and you figure he’ll just keep cooking. then, he comes and sits next to you. “hey,” he says. “i really am sorry.” he’s sitting awfully close. “it’s just...” he takes your snack and moves it to the table. you cower back a little bit, and he gets closer. “it’s hard, you know? being in quarantine. i haven’t fucked a girl in so long. i mean, i know you’re not a girl! and i’m not trying to fuck you, it’s just...” your face drops. he licks his lips, and reaches out, and gropes you. 

“what the fuck?” you shout, pushing him back, and getting up. you walk out, but as you’re walking away, you catch a glimpse of him. he’s staring. 

you avoid him as best you can for the next two days. then, he comes into your room while you’re masturbating. “dude, get out!” 

“i just wanted to talk about...um...wow. you shave down there?” you swallow hard. for some reason, you don’t cover up. “that would make me so dysphoric. why do you do that? don’t you want to look as masculine as you can?” you don’t say anything. “i mean, listen. i know you’re not on t, and i get that, it’s a pain in the ass to get referrals and shit, especially with all the regulations right now. i just- i don’t know. it’s hard for me to respect trans guys like you. i mean, you shave your pussy, you don’t ever wear your binder in the house, and don’t think i haven’t seen your skirts in your hamper. like, why even transition if you’re gonna do girly shit?” you have nothing to say. you want to argue. everything inside you is telling you to argue, to tell him to leave, to cry, to call someone for comfort. but you don’t. 

“you grabbed me the other day,” you say. he doesn’t say anything. “i thought you were straight.” 

“i am straight. and i think you’re really hot, okay? i know i’m supposed to see you as a dude, and i try, but when you’re all...you know, like this...i mean, your tits are so nice! i kinda like it when you don’t wear your binder. it makes me horny. but, it makes it hard to see you as a dude. like, either wear your binder or i’m gonna wanna fuck you.” 

you talk a little more, and he leaves. that sticks with you. either wear your binder, or he’s gonna wanna fuck you. you’re gay. gay, right, when a trans guy likes guys. you’ve been stuck in the apartment for the past two months with this guy, and stuck in your old place for months before that. maybe some sex would do you good. but you have to pretend to be a girl? 

you don’t wear your binder after your talk with your roommate. in fact, you come out wearing a thin t-shirt in place of your normal “dysphoria hoodie” and one of those skirts he mentioned, that you only have because sometimes you need to think about gender, and visuals help. no underwear. your roommate sees you sitting on the couch, and he sits next to you. you don’t move. 

“hey. you look pretty like that.” you don’t say anything, but it feels so good to be called pretty again. all your friends call you handsome. you like that because it makes you feel masculine, but it feels fake. it feels like they’re forcing it out. this...this felt real. he really, truly thinks you’re pretty. 

he kisses you. he gropes you. he puts his hand under your skirt. you let him. you like it. 

“what’s your real name?” he whispers in your ear. 

“please,” you whisper. “please, you can touch me, but please don’t call me by my deadname. i hate it so much, i-” 

“what’s your real name?” he demands. you’re so wet. you tell him. he repeats it. he says it a few times. “yeah,” he says. “yeah, that’s what i’m calling you from now on. that’s who lives here now, okay? she’s my new roommate. and she’s so pretty...” 

things escalate. you end up in his bedroom. after you have sex, you want to call your friends and tell them what just happened. tell them you had sex with your roommate, and he was deadnaming you the whole time, and he was misgendering you. but you don’t call them. 

he keeps doing it. you never hear your boy name out of his mouth again after that. you get used to it. you like it. he makes you feel pretty, and wanted, and he’s so different from you that you feel silly for ever trying to be like him. you know if you were around your other pre-t friends you might feel differently. but you’re not. you can’t be. you’re stuck here, with him, with this masculine, bearded, flat chested, huge t-dicked man, who calls you pretty. 

this goes on for weeks. weeks turn into months. soon enough, he’s helped you buy a whole new wardrobe to wear around the house. in the house turns into online. he has you change all of your social media to your real name, and all your pronouns to she/her. he takes your phone after that, so you don’t have to talk to any concerned relatives or friends who might try to talk some “sense” into you. he likes you when you’re a girl. you fucks you when you’re a girl, and you’ve needed that since quarantine. if being a girl can make somebody make you this happy, then it must be right. 

[littleoddwriter]

Issues with Reader Fics

Okay, I'm probably going to be a bit controversial here. Yet, I'm asking you to hear us out, please. Fanfic writers, specifically those who write "x Reader" fics, please read this. My dear friend Jack has already made a post, where I and others have contributed our experiences and feelings towards certain issues with these fics. Those issues still prevail and therefore I've decided to make my own post, which is more of a PSA, I think. Anyway. You can and should read Jack's (@mlmxreader) post here, please. It is long, yes, but it is extremely important and will say a lot of things we will not talk about here again. Now, what this is mostly about is the tagging of those fics. Every single time, we (men and non-binary people) come across Reader fics and they're tagged with just "Reader", so, naturally we assume they'll be gender neutral then. Well, they basically never fucking are. Every time, in the first few sentences or in later paragraphs something like "baby girl, girlfriend, wife, she/her" will come up and it is frustrating, can be triggering (for trans people, like myself, especially because it can cause dysphoria), and is honestly just very excluding and rude. By doing that, you show us that you do not consider anyone but women to read those fics. Even though that isn't the case. Men who like men exist and we read fics. And we want to be able to read some that don't make us feel bad or excluded. We're not asking you to suddenly write Male!Reader fics. We're asking you to tag properly. If your reader is female, tag it as "Female!Reader" or "Fem!Reader". It doesn't take more than two seconds to do that. So, please for the love of everything good, take those two seconds and type in that one word, even the abbreviation is enough. But tag it! Please! Also, please, stop tagging "male reader" or "gender neutral reader" when it's a female reader. You won't get more notes from it. All it does is clog the tags and push down fics that are actually targeted towards those groups. So, don't do that, please, thank you. One thing I personally wanted to ask actually. Why do women read "Male!Reader" fics? This is a genuine question. Why do you, if you're a woman, read those fics? They aren't targeted at you, and frankly, I don't understand it. If I were cis and not dysphoric, I still wouldn't read "Fem!Reader" fics. They aren't for me, and I wouldn't be interested in it, even if those were the only fics for a certain character. So, if anyone could answer me this, genuinely, then I'd actually appreciate that a lot, I'm truly just curious, as I have noticed women reading my "Male!Reader" fics, too. Which is cool, as we've said, you may interact, as long as you're not creepy or fetishistic, but I still don't understand why you would read that in the first place. Now, onto what my two wonderful friends have said, when I asked them if they had anything to add to this issue, or perhaps overall, still: @iscariot-rising said, "It's just disrespectful for writers and readers alike to assume that everyone reading their fanfics is inherently female, to the point where for some it has become the standard that any fic has female reader - leading to writers not tagging their fics as female readers or mentioning in their descriptions that reader is female, instead only titeling it as "character x reader", before then three sentences in referring to reader as some sort of female term. This isn't just rude, it can also be triggering for people or make them dysphoric, if not just plain uncomfortable. Fandom spaces are something that is shared across all genders and sexualities and it is only courteous to respect this and tag your fics accordingly, since it doesn't take a long time and saves a lot of trouble for readers." And you know what? He is absolutely right and he should say it. You need to listen to us, please. @mlmxreader said a lot, too. For example, he's mentioned that there is a reluctance to even write Gender Neutral Reader fics, which is true. Even though it would be much easier, to be perfectly honest. Yet, people seem not to do it. Do y'all not want people of different genders to enjoy your fics without feeling excluded? He also said, "oh! yeah! there's also the whole thing about lingerie, too, like putting men in women's lingerie and talkin about panties and stuff, which comes off as extremely fetishising (when it's not written by mlm) as well as just... really gross bc like that stuff can trigger dysphoria and half the time it's not even tagged? Like it wouldn't be so bad if y'all tagged it; on top of that, there's also the whole fact that they assume that all mlm relationships revolve around sex and that that's all that matters. But then also using (m/n) standing for "male name" instead of (y/n), like, what the FUCK is up with that?? /gen" Again, he is absolutely right. Tag your shit, please. I know it can be tiring to pick out everything relevant, but trust me; you'll do a lot of people a big fucking favour when you tag your stuff properly. And frankly, I agree with him. I don't understand the whole '(m/n)' thing because if we're men, our names are automatically male because, well, we're male. It doesn't really make sense. That might just be a thing that personally bugs us, though, I honestly don't know. TLDR; Tag your fics properly, be respectful, don't assume everyone is female and therefore exclude everyone who isn't, just say (y/n)???, and yeah, that's basically it. Just be more considerate, please! That was it. I don't mean to personally attack anybody, but if you do feel attacked, that probably means that you're guilty of doing something I've listed here, and perhaps should consider changing that. I also wanna note that if you consider sending me threats or hate of any kind, I will delete it and not engage with it. If your first response to this post is something rude and hateful, you should take a step back and reconsider why you're about to do something so senseless. Does it help you in any way? No, it doesn't. So, what's the point, other than acting like a complete dick? Anyway, have a lovely morning/day/night; cheers!

[vampelune]

tw dysphoria & sexuality talk. you dont have to read this. im mental illness posting

i wish i had somewhere proper to talk abt like. the sucky bits of being trans. like idk i feel like venting about how i feel about myself just makes people tell me over and over that “ur the same as cis men/just accept urself lol” 

but that doesn’t get rid of how shitty i feel over not being a cis guy. Theres obviously differences between being transmasc and being a cis guy and i have issues with that, its not as simple as “just get over it and accept urself lol”

like if im venting about the real awful dysphoria i have about my vagene the answer i dont wanna hear is “why are you viewing vagene as an inherently woman body part” that’s not what im saying. and besides that, we can wax poetic about that but it doesn’t change the fact that a lot of people do not understand gender & sex the way niche trans circles on the internet do, and is till have to contend with the fact that so long as i have a vagene i am going to be viewed as woman in some way on some level, whether in a medical context or s/exual context, i have to deal with that regardless

and my discomfort with it comes from the fact that i just can’t get over that hurdle & i’m so dysphoric about it that despite my s/exual preference i get a combo of scared, upset, depressed, nervous, etc about the idea of being touched down there because to me it does not feel like i could ever be treated like a “gay man” sexually, i can only be treated like a boy with a vagene, an “other”

that’s like genuinely upsetting to me and i don’t know how to get over it. it’s not as simple as just accepting my body. i can’t be perfect and just like myself and have no issues with my body on a whim. sometimes being trans fucking sucks and pains me

like i dont feel like i can ever have s/ex the way gay men have s/ex with each other. i dont feel like i can ever been seen as equal or as valid as cis gay men. i feel liek i am always gonna be a like, “other”, like a niche option, like i can never be wanted by another gay man because i am not man enough, and i have to settle for bi/pan people who will accept me even though i have female parts. like it just sucks

i dont feel like i can ever be seen properly as a guy lol. im always gonna be a weird fujoshi who wishes she was a gay man to people rather than seen as what i want to be seen as. im just a fetishizer and trender or whatever

the only way i feel like i can get close to the person i wish i was is by pretending i dont exist and completely throwing myself into roleplaying a gay anime boy on the internet because then its as close as ill get to being treated like a cis gay man lmao

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

lol Im sorry I know I’ve been kinda reblogging a lot of discourse-y stuff lately, but idk, there’s something on my mind lately, and I’d appreciate some other people getting to see my thoughts. Today, my mind settled on, “How can t*rfs, r*dfems, or other people aligning with them believe that me or my partner are abusive - or being abused - without ever hearing what either of us have to say?”

I’ve just had a lot of Thoughts on t*rf nonsense and rhetoric ever since realizing I was trans (and most likely gay), me realizing I’m actually pan and that I only felt discomfort with anything other than ‘gay’ bc of fear of being misgendered and dysphoria, then my girlfriend realizing she was trans...

I see a lot of t*rfs acting like trans people are gonna force cis people (women, ofc, bc they couldn’t give a shit less what happens to men) to have sex with them and like...

i just wanna talk about what happened with me and my partner. I realized I was trans, I told my partner (she went by he/him pronouns at the time). She was shocked and, as she was undergoing a lot of stress at the time and the relationship was long distance, she was uncertain. She took some time to process it and ultimately said she would accept me, though she seemed apprehensive of me undergoing medical transitioning in the future. This kind of hurt, but I assumed she needed time - only to realize later she fundamentally misunderstood how things worked. We fought. We fought, because she had seemed onboard until she learned that other things might happen, aside from me getting a bigger clit and a somewhat more masc appearance.

But you know what?

We talked about it....

Shocker, huh?

We talked. We had an objective conversation, after emotions had calmed, about whether we still wanted this relationship. We did. So we talked more. She came to understand that being trans didn’t make me suddenly a new person, I was still me, and just wanted to experiment with gender presentation. SHE decided that SHE WANTED to continue the relationship with me, after I asked her objectively, if she did not want it to continue.

And you know what?

She realized that maybe her appreciation for feminine features, her envy for many women, may not be simple attraction. As I talked more about my dysphoric experience, she realized it sounded painfully familiar.

And when she was having these thoughts, we talked.

It started with her testing occasional feminine pronouns (the bigender label), before fully realizing she was binary transfem.

It.... it honestly saddens me, do... do people not think they can talk to their partners? If you feel you can’t talk to your partner about stuff like this... Then I’m sorry, but you might need to try working at trusting one another more, at being open to harder discussions.

Me and my girlfriend may have fought, but we never, EVER resulted to physical blows, name-calling, or anything else. We had some heated discussion over the topic at hand - more like a passionate debate than anything - but nobody was ever directly insulted. These harsher discussions lasted two days, with discussions after - while occasionally tense - never rising to anger again.

We love one another. I love her. I love her for HER... I certainly appreciate her body, but god, that’s not why I started hanging out with her? I don’t ever get to know someone specifically because they’re ‘hot.’ I thought she was funny. I thought she was captivating. I thought she was introspective, engaging, and fun. I still think she’s all of those things and so much more. She’s beautiful, in the way her personality melds with the comfortable, soft familiarity of her body, but I’m not there for just her body.

Changing how she looks will not make me love her less, it never has, and it never will. We had candid discussions, and realized she felt the same about me.

It.. it hurts so much to think there are people that think I am abusing her, or worse, that she’s abusing me, when they don’t know either of us - or our story - from Adam. It also makes me so angry that people would rather project their own insecurities and faulty looks on relationships onto perfect strangers, with such patronizing ideology, since they believe they just know so much better...

How can you know what’s better for us when you won’t even listen to us?

[bungoustraypups]

it’s honestly so funny to me when like. terfs and/or radfems try to claim afab trans people are only trans because patriarchy or whatever makes them “hate being feminine/hate their womanhood” like. bro idk how to tell you, not only do i love being feminine as an effeminate gay man (yknow, the thing a lot of gay cis men are also punished under the patriarchy for because the patriarchy simply views all femininity as bad no matter who is doing it, yes, that includes those “xy males” you keep going on and on about who don’t perform masculinity the way the patriarchy demands it be performed), i also do not hate “my” womanhood because it never existed? i can’t hate being a woman if i never was one and am not one???

even when i thought i was cis that was literally only because i didn’t know there was any other way to identify like. when i thought i was straight, i wasn’t doing it because i really was, it was because firstly i hadn’t realized even yet i was a non-binary man and very much not a woman (in fact i at first thought i was a lesbian! turns out i wasn’t attracted to the women, it was actually specifically masculinity in those women, not even the women themselves), and secondly because i simply hadn’t heard the other terms yet! it wasn’t even that my family wasn’t accepting i just didn’t know any other words because uh yknow that’s. how life works. you don’t know things, and then you learn them, and now you know them! wow! K-12 educations system basics summed up in a single sentence!

i wasn’t brainwashed or convinced by some nonexistant transgender genderist cult or whatever buzzword terfs and/or radfems are using for today’s news cycle. i literally had not met a single trans person in my life when i started identifying as trans! not in real life and not online either! it was a cis person actually who told me, upon hearing what i was feeling and had been feeling for as long as i could remember, that “hey you might wanna look up transgender resources” and i did it on my own!

oh, and guess what? at no point did me being trans, on its own, cause me suffering. i was dysphoric at one point because i had pre menstrual dysphoric disorder, which can affect cis women as well as anyone who is not a cis woman who also menstruates and has that disorder, but once i got the right combination of meds and such, my dysphoria lessened and eventually disappeared, and i don’t have it anymore. (i was on birth control for several years of the hormonal type but i’m not anymore, but even now i still don’t have PMDD symptoms and haven’t in like seven or eight years at least, my periods are also not as bad, but i’m also on like different meds in general from then so maybe some of it is that too idk really but i just don’t have it anymore)

i don’t want to “mutilate” myself or anything, i literally don’t want any surgery at all lmao. aside from general fear of surgery, i like my boobs, they’re fine and not that big a deal and honestly fun to play with too, i don’t want to “chop them off” or w/e, i don’t want a penis, i like the vagina i have, it works just fine and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it lmao, and a penis doesn’t make me any more of a man than your vagina makes you a woman (that is to say, penises don’t make men men and vaginas don’t make women women, no matter what your middle school biology textbook told you). all i really want is testosterone to achieve like... the standard of passing i wanna have, so that if i meet someone new, they won’t automatically assume i’m a woman without asking me and misgender me, which does actually bother me, because it’s disrespectful, not because of anything else. i don’t care about like, forcing anyone to accept me, idgaf if you accept me! you can use my name and correct pronouns without giving a single damn shit about me! it’s about basic human decency and respect and treating each other like human beings because that’s what we are unless yall wanna start claiming trans people aren’t human beings now which. man if you do that i can’t help you anymore LMAO so

[t4tozier]

so i should be doing hw rn but i don’t want to do that so take some trans reddie hcs instead

it’s gonna get long so i’m putting it under a cut

richie comes out first

he comes out to the losers before anyone else, even his parents

his parents are a bit confused at first but they support him and are really great with his transition

it takes eddie longer because of his internalized transphobia and repression

he eventually realizes that people usually don’t search up “am i transgender” quizzes if they’re secure in their identity

and cis girls apparently are fine with being called ma’am and young lady?? and they enjoy dressing up in skirts??

like he’s just clueless for a long time because he doesn’t have really any girl friends and sonia is sonia so nobody talks to him about this stuff

richie coming out actually helps him a lot cause then he’s able to ask him questions and richie can explain his perspective

and it doesn’t sound exactly like how eddie feels but it’s enough where he’s like okay there’s definitely something happening here

tbh i don’t really want to focus on the trans angst part atm so let’s skip to college

(if anyone wants stuff about eddie and sonia/high school reddie i’ll make a separate post)

so they all go to the same college bc i said so

eddie and stan room together and so do bill and richie bc as much as they want to be around the other they mutually agree that their rooming styles are too different and they’d probably end up getting on each other’s nerves a lot

they’re over at each other’s rooms all the time anyway so it works out

eddie’s developed his own style at this point

he started out trying to look really masculine and then realized that wasn’t really him

he tried wearing one of bev’s skirts and it made him super dysphoric so he doesn’t wear anything like that but he’s comfortable now with a softer, light academia style

meanwhile richie’s more of a gender fuckery type

at the end of high school and into college he really starts experimenting with style

he’s still sort of a fashion mess but he’ll wear skirts and dresses and loud patterns and for the most part doesn’t care how he’s perceived

he still gets dysphoria though !! he presents across the gender spectrum depending on how he feels that day but he’s not a fan of his chest and he doesn’t like being referred to as a woman

so he gets top surgery first 

eddie spends practically all his time at richie’s dorm taking care of him

bill’s obviously supportive but he doesn’t necessarily want to be taking care of him 24/7 cause like. he still wants to be social and stuff so he’s happy to let eddie take care of him

richie’s pretty drugged up on painkillers the first day or two and he’s constantly talking about how handsome eddie is and how he’s such a good doctor 

and maybe an i love you slips out but richie pretends he doesn’t remember and eddie pretends he didn’t hear it

they’re still not together at this point but it’s obvious they’ll get together because they’ve been flirting since they were pre-pubescent 

it’s not until richie starts healing up and can wear the things he used to wear but without dysphoria that he starts to question again

and ends up coming out as nonbinary <3

he’s still happy with he/him pronouns but the losers (at his request) start using they/them for him as well and those are really good too so he ends up using he/they

because richie is sort of the blueprint for eddie’s transition eddie starts to question himself as well

but ends up staying with the trans man label because, especially after talking more to richie about it, he realizes that he doesn’t feel the same about gender as richie does

eddie doesn’t start physically transitioning until college

he binds but bc of sonia can’t start T until he turns 18, which happens his first semester

some stuff he only feels comfortable talking to richie about but he’s blushing the whole time anyway

like how richie’s big dick jokes weren’t entirely untrue

and he doesnt show richie but he’s like. is this normal

and richie wants to laugh but they dont want to make eddie more self conscious than he clearly already is so they’re like yeah dw and it calms eddie down significantly

they end up meeting a bunch of other trans ppl on campus and they’re both so fucking happy bc they love the losers (and most of them aren’t straight) but they never got any trans exposure besides each other in derry

so it’s really nice to see other trans people in varying states of transition and like. see that they’re not alone

also everyone thinks they’re a couple because they literally show up holding hands but they just blush and stammer out a weak excuse and everyone exchanges glances and then leaves it alone

eddie kinda freaks out when it’s his turn for top surgery

he’s terrified of surgery and anesthesia and richie has to pull him away from the computer a lot because he’s psyching himself out learning about all the things that could possibly go wrong

but they’re there for him every step of the way

so are the losers of course but none of them have been through it

and richie keeps reassuring him like “look at me, i made it through just fine and you’re way healthier than me”

cause lets be real richie smokes weed and probably vapes and doesn’t have a real exercise routine

meanwhile eddie goes to the gym four times a week and goes on runs and takes vitamin supplements

so surgery happens and richie’s right there holding eddie’s hand when he wakes up

and now it’s eddie’s turn to be kinda loopy and he just stage whispers, “i know you’re in love with me”

and richie’s just laughing nervously and looking around and he still hasn’t let go of eddie’s hand

like they have no clue what to do so they’re just like haha okay time to go back to sleep and eddie just shrugs and passes out again until the nurse wakes him up and it doesn’t get brought up again

everyone pitches in to help out with eddie’s recovery 

seeing his flat chest for the first time is a super emotional experience 

he only lets richie be there with him, which the others pretty much expected

he completely breaks down and richie holds him on the bathroom floor and neither of them talk for a long time

but then richie helps eddie put his shirt back on so he doesn’t pull the stitches and then they both just sit there on the floor and talk for a long time

and that’s when eddie finally confesses

they’re both completely lucid this time, so there’s no mistaking it for anything but the truth when eddie tells richie he’s been in love with him since middle school 

and of course richie reciprocates and that’s their first kiss

and when they pull apart richie just murmurs, “does that mean you want to be the first to see richie tozier’s big dick?” 

and eddie laughs and pushes them away and the spell is broken 

but he doesn’t say no

[raavenb2619]

Hi, if your still taking ask, I'd like to ask about gender.

I'm amab and I use he/they, I heard about demiboy and it sounded exactly like me, but it didn't feel right. I feel weird identifying as not cis because I don't have dysphoria. I know you don't need dysphoria to be trans. Maybe I'm just gender nonconforming? But I don't feel wholly like a man?

I guess I feel like transness itself isn't a valid option for me because I don't have dysphoria but I feel good when people refer to me as they

So I guess the big question is how do I work through whats left of the internalized transphobia and the transmedicalism that was ingrained in me when I first became active in the community?

So if this is incoherent and rambly

There are a lot of reasons I think making dysphoria a requirement of being trans is a bad idea. 

On a personal note, I don’t want my existence as a trans person to be inherently defined in terms of negative experiences; isn’t the idea of Pride that instead of believing that your existence is inherently negative and bad and shameful, that you can believe it’s something positive, something valuable, something worth being proud of? Being trans is a positive experience for me. I like being trans, and I’m proud to be trans, and I don’t want anyone or anything to take that away from me. 

I’m a trans person who has dysphoria, but if dysphoria was a requirement of being trans, it’s possible that I wouldn’t have realized I was trans until a lot later than I actually did, because dysphoria can be subtle and confusing. Sometimes I’ve been dysphoric about something, and then for no discernible reason, it’s disappeared and doesn’t bother me anymore. Sometimes I’ve been comfortable with something, but then I hear that someone else is dysphoric about something, and then I start being dysphoric about it. There are things that I’ve been dysphoric about for pretty much as long as I can remember, but before I was trans, I had convenient excuses for them. “Oh, everyone’s like that. Oh, that reflexive behavior you’re barely conscious of doesn’t mean anything.” It was only after I realized I was trans that I understood that I was feeling dysphoria. Without that additional context and new perspective, my dysphoria was just...noticed but unnoticed. 

I don’t think gatekeeping is in the interest of the trans community. The idea that a nefarious cis person would pretend to be trans for personal gain is pretty unrealistic. (Like, most cishets are super uncomfortable when someone thinks they might not be straight, let alone not cis.) But if there really are some nefarious cis people who want to pretend to be trans, they could just claim to have dysphoria, so gatekeeping is completely ineffective at stopping the hypothetical cis invaders. On the other hand, gatekeeping dysphoria would probably lead to kicking people out of the community who need support. If you definitely experience dysphoria, but not as much as other people, are you still “trans enough”? If you experienced dysphoria, but you transitioned and took steps to get rid of your dysphoria, are you still “trans enough”? Whoever answers these questions wields enormous power to withhold support from people who likely need it. The whole point of a community is that we’re stronger together than we are apart, so why should we turn on each other? 

I think prioritizing dysphoria could put pressure on trans people to transition in ways that aren’t necessarily comfortable with. Dysphoria can take many different forms, and people have different ways of coping with it. If you and I are dysphoric about the same thing, but I transition a small amount to cope with it, and you transition a large amount to cope with it, that could lead to people saying I’m not “really” trans because I “clearly” don’t have “real” dysphoria, because any “real” trans person with “real” dysphoria would have to transition a larger amount. In that scenario, I have to choose between the transition that manages my dysphoria in a way that’s right for me at the risk of losing my community’s support, and transitioning in a way that I’m “supposed” to so that I can “prove” that I’m “really” trans. I think that’s a terrible position to be in, because transitioning should be about what’s best for you, not for other people. Trans people already have to deal with cis people telling us how we should look and dress and act, so why should we have to deal with trans people telling us that, too? 

Saying that trans people need dysphoria ignores our history instead of learning from it. As I wrote in this post, the term “genderqueer” was originally coined by people who wanted to use the term “transgender” but were excluded at the time because of the dominant narrative that only trans men or trans women who had had (or wanted to have) bottom surgery could call themselves “transgender”. A lot of people who felt distinctly non-cis sought out the trans community but were rejected, and I think that’s really unfortunate. Being rejected by mainstream society is hard, but being rejected by someone you expect to have your back can be even harder. If someone doesn’t feel dysphoria, but they’re still seeking out the trans community, I think there’s probably a really good reason for that, and we should welcome them instead of rejecting them. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[antiterf]

I would really appreciate if people talked about this more

I’ve never mentioned this before on here, but I used to label myself as a truscum. I never outright said anything on it or about it online, and never attacked people with it, I’ll get that down first. I mostly used that for myself because those were the blogs that I went to for issues with dysphoria as a trans man.

This post isn’t about how truscum are bad, those who are going to reblog and listen to this post already think that truscum are bad. This is me pointing out that trans men and those with severe internalized transphobia need more of a community to avoid falling into truscum rhetoric.

Trigger Warning: Description of my self injury, internalized transphobia, and a lot of depression under the cut.

I originally went to truscum to figure out if I was dysphoric or not. I know I’ve had an anon on here try to ask me somewhat of the same question. The reason why is because I had a lot of internalized transphobia and live in a conservative Christian suburb. I seriously was born and raised in the same town my life and that town was that suburb. I was around 14 at the time.

Basically, the only reason why I wanted to find out is because I wanted to know if I could force myself to be cisgender. I was terrified of being transgender, and I hated myself for the possibility of it.

My logic though is that if I was dysphoric, then I couldn’t do much about it. Yeah, terfs would say that I could cope with it with anti-depressants, but my disassociation and sickly feeling was not helped by my anti-depressants. I was at the point of being constantly suicidal and with cutting I ran out of room on my arm and started to go for my legs (because I said that I would never go to my right arm... I was a creative little shit). I was put in an 8 hr a day outpatient program, and they legit kept me there as long as they possibly could before I was sent back to school, before I just went back to self injuring but kept it way more secret that time. I had been getting mental health treatment since 10 and puberty started, with it just getting worse, I was way out of options

I related to a lot of what truscum were saying with my dysphoria, and while they did tell me that they could not ever tell another person that they experience dysphoria or not, that they did relate to some of the things I was saying. One linked me to a list where someone gave a lot of specific symptoms of dysphoria, and boy, did I fit a lot. I also learned how to explain my disassociation. It was the first time I ever related to something when it came to my mental health issues instead of just hearing “yeah these people are just like you” before I didn’t actually relate to them at all. I felt so much relief.

I continued to go to them for advice on dysphoria and it wasn’t anything more, but you start scrolling through and things start to stick. Especially when you already have a lot of internalized transphobia.

“Yeah, why would anyone be trans? If they weren’t suffering like I was, I was at my breaking point to actually start accepting myself, how are they the same?”

It went on from there, and I started to believe what they said. I shared it to one cis person, and that cis person ultimately ended up harassing me because I was trans even after I explained honestly the entire pity story I shared above along with truscum beliefs that you need dysphoria to be trans (this is actually how I finally snapped out of it, thank you fucker, I’m more intolerable now). I mainly shared this shit with cis people in order to try and see me as more tolerable, and honestly, I just wish that I could have surrounded myself with trans people where I didn’t have to feel like I needed to prove a point. I was so vulnerable at that time, and didn’t nearly stand up to cis ignorance as I do today.

I mentioned trans men in the beginning too, and part of the community I was lacking in, was trans men. I would see more positivity for trans woman and nb people. I did and still see lack of support for issues trans men face both with the rest of the trans community and things that are trans man specific. Something I feel like I can relate it to is the bisexual limbo of being too gay for straight people but too straight for gay people. I’m looked down upon by my oppressors, but I’m too privileged to really access my own community. Especially when I identified as straight. It’s isolating, it’s isolating to a point where I would be happy that someone included trans men specifically in their “I hate all men” posts, I would be happy about it. And I know I can’t possibly be the only one.

I don’t have the power to create a community name for trans men where we can all find each other. I don’t have the power to put a name to struggles that trans men face specifically. I know that there’s transmisandry, but that gives everyone who doesn’t know what it is a fight or flight response. While it makes sense, it gives the same impression as calling the biphobia I face as a form of heterophobia.

I’m as proud of this as I am just as proud that I used to shoplift at 14 and believed things that my racist cop father said. I think that the shitty parts of your past self can be shared for some sort of benefit of others and that’s why I’m sharing this. If other trans men would like to add their own experiences, I would encourage it.

[kageyuji]

Headcanon request incoming my friend! Mirio fluff with a male reader? Uh, let's say they come out to him as trans, and he's shocked because he thought they were a cis guy

Yeah I got you! Mirio is baby and I love him

Despite most immediate assumptions of him being aloof (which isn’t completely wrong), Mirio is actually pretty observant.

And he noticed the smile on your face everytime someone called you “he”, though he didn’t question it too much.

Yet he didn’t notice you were trans, not to say you were necessarily complaining about that. It seemed to be such a simple thing, but passing always made you so happy.

“Mirio...can we talk?” You’d said, nervousness painting your features.

The two of you had been dating for a few months, and poor baby immediately assumed you were breaking up with him from your tone and your hands that were playing with each other

“Yeah, sure, of course! What’s wrong? Did I do something?” He said, taking a little too fast.

“No! No, I just, wanted to tell you something.”

Relief washed over him, as long as your relationship wasn’t in danger he was fine with whatever you wanted to say. “Whatever you want to say, you know you can always tell me anything.”

“I...” It never got easier, no many how times you told people. “I’m trans.”

Mirio smiled. “Thats great! Thanks for telling me.” He’d wrap you in a hug, telling you about how he would love to go buy depilatory cream so you didnt have to shave as much, how he’d help any way he could with the hormone therapy.

And you just kinda go “??”

And now he’s confused too, why were you looking at I’m like that?

“No, Mir, I’m female to male.”

Now he just looks more confused.

It takes him a full minute for him to realize what you mean before he’s goes “...I thought you were cis.”

Again, you couldn’t say you were upset about that.

He just smiles again and tells you an unholy amount of reassuring things

He probably ask you a lot of personal questions, like how long you’ve known, how far into the transition you are, who else knows, etc.

He understands if you don’t want to answer them he’s honestly just so happy that you told him in the first place.

Whenever he sees you get upset/dysphoric he makes sure to call you by your name a lot, just so you can hear it instead of your intrusive thoughts deadnaming you.