#it’s important for me to be prepared and handy

[dykeredhood]

Remember the time that the extra pair of socks I kept in my purse came in handy when my gf (at the time) wanted to try on hiking boots at the sportswear store?

[chahnniesroom]

night again

pairing: bang chan x female reader

summary: in hindsight, visiting chan's studio right before a comeback isn't one of your best ideas. what was supposed to be a pleasant surprise leaves you spiraling into self-doubt, wondering if chan even wants to be in a relationship with you at all.

word count: 6.4k

tags/warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, misunderstandings, insecurities, reader not eating due to stress

a/n: the long awaited 'he calls you clingy' fic! title is from the english translation of 또 다시 밤 (twilight)

read it on ao3 | masterlist

You love your job. It's challenging for sure and the expectations from upper management are often unforgiving, but you’re proud of how hard you've worked and everything that you've accomplished in the past few years at your company. 

As you've gained experience, you've slowly been given more and more responsibility. You've grown out of your junior role and though you're thrilled by the pay raise and prospect of being a team lead rather than being led by one, it's also daunting.

When you and your new team are assigned an important project with tight deadlines, you're determined to prove yourself. It's implied that you're going to have to have to dedicate a significant amount of time to finish it and while you're no stranger to long hours, it means that any plans you have of seeing your boyfriend, Chan, are out the window.

The timing is not terrible, Stray Kids has a comeback scheduled in about a week so you didn't think that you would be able to spend that much time with Chan anyway, but you usually try to surprise the boys at one of the music shows with a cake and some home cooked food.

Luckily, you've already been planning for this. Although nothing had been confirmed, you had expected that this project would be awarded to your company and you've already been trying to spend more time with Chan than usual in preparation for the busy season ahead for both of you.

Still, you can't help but agree with your best friend at work after she complains how little she's going to see her partner this month. Jinjoo doesn't know who your boyfriend is, but the two of you are close enough that you’ve shared that you have one and that work takes up a lot of his time. You've gushed to her about the sweet things that Chan has done for you and you've admitted that you think he's the one.

“You should bring him dinner sometime!” she exclaims when you mention you're not sure when the next time you'll be able to see Chan will be.

“Well, he’s really busy-” you start to say.

“That’s the beauty of it. I’m sure he would appreciate if you brought him food at work, especially if he’s anything like my partner and gets so caught up with work that they forget to eat sometimes,” she insists.

“That’s true.”

“Just trust me, Y/n. I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t sure that it’d work. My partner loves when I do this. It’s literally the perfect way to take some time for each other before you’re both too busy. Even if he's super busy, his work can't be bad enough that he’s not allowed to eat, right?”

You agree somewhat reluctantly. You're still unsure about whether or not Chan would appreciate you barging in unannounced, but it is a cute idea and Jinjoo's confidence is enough to convince you.

The next day after work, you head to the company and order takeout for a late dinner for you and Chan, picking it up along the way. It reminds you of earlier in your relationship before you had gotten your current position and when Stray Kids were just gaining popularity. Both of you enjoyed having more casual date nights that provided more privacy as opposed to going out to fancy places and it makes you even more excited to see his reaction.

About a year after you started dating Chan, he insisted that you get a pass to get into JYP Entertainment without having to fill out a visitor's form and have someone pick you up. It has definitely come in handy more than a few times, although you try to limit the number of visits you make. Even though you're allowed to be there, it still feels intimidating to be in the building, like someone is going to recognize that you're not an employee and accuse you of being a sasaeng.

Luckily the late hour means that you make it to Chan's studio without having to interact with anybody except the security at the door, who had waved you through without a second thought. You had double checked with Felix earlier in the day to make sure that Chan didn't have any schedules or dinner plans, so you directly knock on his door without texting or calling him beforehand. 

“Y/n?” he asks, a bit baffled when he sees you. “Did we- Did I forget that we had plans tonight?”

“No,” you say, a little nervous for some reason. It's just Chan, you tell yourself, but it doesn't make you feel any better. “I didn't think that you had dinner yet and wanted to see you.”

“Oh, I see. Come in,” Chan responds slowly, still processing your sudden appearance. “I just have something that I need to finish up-”

“It's fine! You can work,” you assure him quickly. “I don't want to interrupt you too much, I just wanted to drop by since I don't have plans and wanted to make sure that you're eating well.”

Chan’s studio isn’t messy at all, but he still gets up to clear some space on a side table for you, before returning back to where he has Cubase opened up. You pass over his food and feel relieved when he immediately digs in, but your appetite seems to have vanished, you can only get yourself to pick at your meal.

Chan is short with his responses all evening and continues to work on his laptop, even while eating. It throws you off a bit, you thought that he would be able to get to a stopping point and at least make a bit of time for you, but you did tell him that he could. Even so, you're determined to make the most of the last time that you’re going to see them for a while. You know they’ve been super busy the past few days, or more like the past few weeks, but still you had thought he would be a little bit more engaged or at the very least seem happy to see you.

Finally, after half an hour of eating with minimal conversation, you decide to broach the subject that’s been on your mind this entire time. Chan’s finished his food and you know that you won’t be able to get yourself to eat anymore, so you shuffle everything off to the side and inch closer to Chan. 

“You know that client we’ve been trying to work with for a while?” you start tentatively.

Chan hums noncommittally, continuing to type on his computer. Not quite the reaction that you're hoping for, but you forge on anyway.

“We got awarded the job! It’s a great opportunity for the company and everyone is really excited, but-”

“Y/n,” he interrupts. “I’m sorry, that’s amazing and all, but you know that it’s not a good time for me right now. I have something I really need to work on and now that you’ve finished eating, can we please not bother with the small talk?”

“Oh,” you say, a bit caught off guard. Chan has never been the type to cut you off when you're speaking. “No, yeah, I get it. Uhm. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, just-” he sighs, sounding frustrated. “Next time can you please ask me when you want to visit in advance so this doesn’t happen again? You chose the worst timing to come by. I just need some space, from all of… this,” he says, waving a hand between the two of you.

“Sorry, I know it’s a busy time, but I just wanted to see-”

At that moment, an alarm on Chan's phone goes off, interrupting you. When he turns it off and notices the time, he swears lowly, unlocking his phone and typing out a message to somebody. You’re scared to break the silence. Less than a minute later, someone knocks on the door.

“Come in,” Chan calls. When Changbin and Jisung step into the room, they eye you curiously. You keep your head down and try to prevent your hands from shaking as you stand and start to haphazardly shove away all your belongings and the garbage from your dinner into bags. 

“Noona, it's good to see you!” Jisung says brightly, although his smile dims when you make eye contact and can only manage to weakly return the smile. “Sorry for interrupting you two.”

“Hi Hannie,” you reply quietly, not wanting to make conversation, but not wanting to be rude.

“It’s okay, Y/n was just leaving,” Chan says, his obvious annoyance making things even more awkward.

You say bye to the boys quietly and apologise as you shuffle past them to the door.

The handles of the bag from your dinner are digging into your hand painfully and your purse can’t close with the way that you’ve thrown everything into it. You only take a few steps before you have to stop for a moment to save a container from falling and decide to put down everything and reorganise it all.

When you crouch down, you take a second to mentally berate yourself. Everything you had worried about had come true. Instead of being a pleasant surprise, you had come across as a nuisance.

In your rush, you hadn't fully closed the studio door behind you and you're close enough that you can just barely pick up the conversation that happens inside.

“Sorry,” you hear Chan say faintly. “I don't know what's been going on, but Y/n has been… really clingy these days. She just showed up today without asking and I hate-”

You leave before he has the chance to say anything else. You look like a mess for sure, you had just grabbed all the empty containers without bothering to put them back into the plastic bag, your jacket is partially dragging on the ground, and your purse is hanging off your elbow, having slipped off your shoulder. You're pretty sure you hear an empty drink bottle clatter to the floor behind you, but you don't look back to check.

You don't have it in you to care, you just need to leave.

Even waiting for the elevator feels humiliating, so you bypass it and stumble down the stairs. You dump the garbage into a bin on the first floor, not bothering to sort it properly, and step out onto the street, bee-lining to the nearest subway station.

The ride home passes by in a blur.

It hurts, of course it hurts. 

Honestly the reason that your relationship had worked out so far was because you weren’t the kind of person that needed a lot of attention. You understood that both of you were busy and were content to just exchange messages every couple of days because you knew how important Stray Kids was to Chan. Of course you did, they were just as important to you.

If Chan wanted space, well. You were more than capable of giving it to him.

In fact, your upcoming schedule had been the reason that you had wanted to meet up in the first place, the source of your so-called clinginess. You’d never been called that before. You were hyper-independent and tended to get lost in your own mind, easily distracted by different thoughts. It had gotten to a point that most of your exes had complained at least once about you being distant or inattentive.

With Chan, you had been determined not to be the same. It had been difficult at first, to make the effort to send messages throughout the day. You had to convince yourself not to spend too long drafting replies in your head and try not to worry that you were bothering him, especially if you knew that he had schedules at the same time that you were texting.

By the time that you make it to your apartment, your pain has faded into a mixture of resignation and numbness. You don't want to talk to Chan about how you feel, it's your clinginess that he didn't like in the first place, and you don't think you'll have time or the energy for a long, emotional conversation in the next few weeks anyway. If you keep your distance for a while, it just benefits both of you, you tell yourself. You won’t be a distraction to Chan as Stray Kids has their comeback and he won’t be one to you as you take on this new project. 

As much as you want to spend the rest of your night overthinking- something you’ve done more than you’d like to admit- you know that you have a busy day at work tomorrow. Feeling a bit like a zombie, you force yourself to shuffle through your usual nighttime routine, swallowing a melatonin pill before climbing into bed.

Normally, you would send Chan a good night message. Actually, normally you would have sent him a message the second that you arrived home. It was something that he was insistent on starting from early on in your relationship, wanting to make sure that you were safe.

Tonight, you just turn off your phone, plug it into its charger, and sleep.

—

In the morning, you allow yourself to wallow in bed for 5 minutes, before you get ready for work. You’ve never been good at eating breakfast and today’s no exception. Your stomach turns uneasily at the thought of food so you only force yourself to drink some water before you leave.

Your team at work has agreed to get to work earlier than usual just to get a headstart on everything. Though you’re more of a night owl, you’re grateful to find that deviating from your usual routine means that the subway is empty enough that you can find an empty seat, a luxury that you’ve rarely experienced.

It feels eerie to walk through the streets of Seoul when the sun has just started to rise and you’re relieved when you finally make it to your office.

Unsurprisingly, you’re one of the first to arrive. You’re grateful for the time that you have to unpack your things and make a much needed coffee before the rest of your team shows up.

“How did it go last night?” Jinjoo asks you excitedly when she comes in.

“Uhm, it was okay,” you reply noncommittally. “He was definitely surprised.”

“Oh,” Jinjoo pouts at your lack of enthusiasm.

“I mean, it wasn’t bad,” you backtrack, hating to see her disappointed. “It was just so short, he was kind of… busy. But that’s what I expected anyway so that's fine I guess. Thanks for suggesting it to me though! I really appreciate it.”

“That’s good,” Jinjoo brightens. “At least you got to see him one last time.”

“Oh yeah for sure! I think that after seeing him yesterday, it’ll be easier to deal with how busy we’re going to be for the next few weeks,” you say truthfully. 

It’s not a lie, you justify. For the first time since you started dating, you’re not looking forward to the next time that you’re going to see Chan.

You know that your communication is about to reduce to an all time low for the next few weeks, and while you had originally been worried about how Chan would react, now you’re thinking that he’s just going to be relieved not to hear from you. You’ve never thought yourself to have been overly chatty with Chan during the day though, preferring in-person conversation over texting and knowing that he’s generally not available to read your messages anyway, much less send you a reply. It seemed that you were wrong. 

Luckily your team now has to use a shared box that you’re required to put your personal phones into during working hours and only have a little bit of time during lunch and dinner breaks, if you take them, to fish them out. It’s a policy that your company enforces when teams are working on confidential projects and you can’t blame them due to past litigation that they’ve been involved in after a former employee leaked sensitive information.

For once, you're glad for this excuse to not look at your phone, even if you feel a little bit naked to look at the side of your desk or reach into your pocket and not have your phone there. You’re relieved to bury yourself in your work and forget all about your personal life. Even though your project is just starting, you feel like you're already behind. 

When you're finished work for the day and take back your phone, you find yourself reluctant to check your notifications. It's only when you're waiting for the subway to arrive at your station that you finally force yourself to take a look.

No new messages or calls from Chan.

You’re not sure what you expected, but somehow you’re still disappointed.

You get back to your apartment late, you had wanted to finish a couple of things before you left the office and it had led to you being one of the last to leave. You had also stopped by the convenience store closest to your place, not having the energy to cook anything for yourself.

You pick at your dinner half-heartedly. You're used to eating alone, Chan often had his meals at odd times due to his schedules, but tonight the silence feels more oppressive. 

It haunts you, the tail end of the overheard conversation. You have no idea how Chan was going to complete the sentence, but your mind unhelpfully fills in the blanks with worse and worse suggestions.

He hates the timing of your visit.

He hates that you visited at all.

He hates that he has such a clingy girlfriend.

He hates that you are his clingy, annoying, bothersome girlfriend.

He hates you.

In moments of clarity, you can recognize that it's not true. That's not the Chan that you know and he would never say something like that about anybody, least of all you. It's just hard when a small part of you has never really been able to believe that someone as talented and amazing as Chan would want to date someone as unremarkable as you.

You find yourself falling into a new routine, waking early, working overtime, and trying not to cry yourself to sleep. You succeed most of the time, you keep yourself occupied by thinking about work and you're so physically exhausted by your long hours that you fall asleep the second that you get into bed. Luckily, your coworkers are just as overworked as you are and it’s easy to blame your declining condition on the project. Weekends don't help you rest at all, you've committed to your manager that you can work on Saturdays and Sundays are spent completing the chores that you've neglected during the week.

You still talk to Chan sometimes, either right when you wake up or on the way home after work. The conversation is stilted though, both because of the long delays between messages when you text and the limited time that you have when you call. It's enough of a difference that Chan asks you multiple times if everything is okay. Even though you try your best to assure him that you're fine, just busy, you're sure he knows that something is off, although he doesn't question you further.

Most exciting is the day that the new Stray Kids album releases. You've already heard most of the songs for this comeback, perks of dating the member that's the most involved in the writing and production of the album, but it's different now that they're available to the public too. You make sure to organise your schedule so that you're on break when the music video drops and you send a number of messages in the group chat that you have with the group cheering them on. Usually, you try to take a day off to deliver some food to them at the music shows, but you've had to settle for arranging with one of their managers to treat them to a meal.

You can tell when they get breaks because when you check your phone after work, notifications from the members are all in the same blocks of time. It's mostly them thanking you, taking pictures of the food you sent, flowers that they've been gifted, and letters from fans. They have a short promotion period this comeback, but it's packed with different interviews, performances, and fanmeets. At one point, Felix even sends you a picture of Chan sleeping slumped over on one of the waiting room couches. As much as you're relieved to see that he's able to get some rest, the picture has your stomach twisting uncomfortably.

You're proud of Chan, of all of the boys. They've worked so hard and each comeback seems to be more and more successful. Even if you're not confident in what's going to happen with you and Chan in the future, you want to celebrate with them while you still can.

—

After almost four weeks, your project is nearing completion and you've never been more grateful to have a deadline arrive.

You only have a couple more days left until your last submittal is due and after getting off work, you want nothing more than to collapse into bed even though your stomach has been growling the whole walk from the bus to your building. You had caught a significant mistake in a document right before it was going to be sent to a client and the whole afternoon had been spent trying to fix it in time. Your team had just barely managed it, but your head has been pounding for hours and your whole body is tight with stress.

You’re not quite sure how you make it to your apartment, your exhaustion has made you clumsy. You struggle a couple times to enter in the code to unlock your door and trip over a pair of shoes that are scattered in the entryway.

You manage to catch yourself before you fall, then squint back. Yes, you haven’t had the chance to tidy your apartment in a couple weeks, but you’ve never been the type to leave your shoes on the walking path.

A light is on, further in your apartment. You know for a fact it wasn’t like that when you left this morning, it would have been obvious since you've been leaving before the sun rises. Someone else is here.

You stare at the light for a few seconds in disbelief, then slowly reach to grab something, anything that you might be able to use to defend yourself. Your shaking hands close around a full sized umbrella that you keep beside your closet. 

You’ve already made enough commotion that there’s no way the intruder didn’t hear, but you try to keep your footsteps light as you creep down the hall to where your kitchen is. It’s stupid to try and confront them, but the idea of someone in your space, potentially taking your things, is enough to inspire a sudden bout of bravery.

You hold your breath as you turn the corner, launching forward to attack the second that you see someone. You recognise the figure halfway through your swing, and though it’s too late to fully stop, you manage to pull back enough that they’re able to easily catch the umbrella before it hits them.

Chan wraps his arms around you then eases the umbrella out of your hands, resting it against the wall. You sag into his embrace, adrenaline draining away, leaving you exhausted again. 

“Chan?”

You've missed this. His warmth, his comforting scent, the reassuring steadiness that he always provides. You can almost pretend that everything is fine.

“Sorry for scaring you,” he says, sounding more amused than apologetic.

“You should be,” you grumble into his shirt. “I could have seriously injured you if I didn't realise it was you!”

“I don't think that was going to be a problem.” Even though you can't see Chan, you can hear the grin in his voice.

“Hey!” You lightly smack his arm. “You take that back!”

“Fine, fine,” Chan acquiesces, holding up both his hands in surrender. “I'm very glad that I didn't have to experience the full power of your self defence.”

“Yeah yeah,” you huff. “What are you doing here anyway? Other than trying to give me a heart attack, that is.”

“I made you dinner,” Chan says shyly, turning pink.

“For what?” you ask suspiciously. It's easy to fall back into the banter that you typically exchange with Chan, but you can't help but be a bit wary these days.

“No reason. I uh, just haven't seen you in a while,” Chan says sheepishly, scratching at the back of his neck where it’s now flushed red. “We had so much preparation to do and then all our schedules… Anyway, I wanted to surprise you, so I thought I could cook for us.”

Now that he's mentioned it, you can see that he's set your tiny kitchen table and that there's a couple of pots on the stove. Chan doesn’t cook often, but he’s expressed a desire to learn before and you’ve taught him how to make a few of your favourite recipes.

You stare at him for a moment, lost for words.

It's only been a few weeks, but you feel like you've forgotten how to act around Chan. Instead of a comfortable silence, it's almost awkward, neither of you knowing what to say.

“Oh,” you say finally, touched and still a little shocked that he's actually here. “That's- that's so nice, I just- is it okay if I wash up a bit quickly first?”

“No, yeah, of course. I'm sure you had a long day,” Chan says. “Go ahead, I’ll- the food should be reheated anyway so I’ll get on that. Take your time.”

You skirt around him to go to the bathroom, taking a moment to splash yourself with water. This feels like a bizarre dream and you wonder for a moment if you’re making this all up. But when you leave to go to your bedroom, Chan’s still there, puttering around in front of your kitchenette. You change your clothes slowly, mind racing as you try to puzzle together why Chan has decided to visit all of a sudden.

You eventually settle on the most logical reason that you can think of.

He’s finally decided to break up with you.

You’ve figured that this was coming for weeks by now, but somehow it still hurts. Instead of feeling resigned, it feels like you’re shattering into little pieces. You twist your work blouse into a tiny ball as you try not to cry, even though you know the fabric is going to wrinkle terribly. You finish cleaning up in a daze, already drafting what you're going to have to message your manager later. There's no way that you're going to be in any shape to work tomorrow if you’re right.

“Y/n?” Chan calls eventually. You know you're procrastinating leaving your room, but you want to put this off for as long as possible even though you know it’s just delaying the inevitable. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you reply with a heavy heart. “I’m fine. I'll just be another second.”

You can tell that Chan doesn’t quite believe you. He hovers around you when you emerge from your bedroom, knocking away your hand when you try to pull out your own chair from the table.

He's set the table, going so far as to fold little napkins under your utensils. There's even a tiny vase with your favourite flowers as a centrepiece. All this effort just hurts more.

“You look exhausted. You got home so late. Where were you?” he asks.

“I was at work,” you reply stiffly. You know that if you try and say any more, your emotions are going to spill over and you're either going to scream or cry. Maybe both.

“So late?” Chan's forehead creases with some sort of emotion. You can't quite tell if it's concern or scepticism.

“You're not the only one that has a demanding job.”

“Y/n, you know that's not what I meant-”

“Sure,” you say. “Whatever, let's just eat. Thank you for the food.”

You don't want to deal with this. You're so tired.

You have no idea why Chan’s dragging this out longer than it needs to be. Why he’s forcing you to sit through a meal with him like he’s not about to break your heart. Chan is one of the kindest people you know, he’s probably trying to make this easier for you, giving you one last nice memory, but it just feels cruel.

Chan reaches out, stopping you before you can pick up your chopsticks. He stares at the way his fingers overlap each other around your wrist.

“You’ve lost weight,” he says quietly. You look away, watching steam curl from the bowl of rice that has been set in front of you instead of returning eye contact.

“I’ve been busy.” Is all you can say in response. 

You don’t want to tell him that you’ve been basically subsisting on iced americanos and various convenience store meals in part because of your work schedule, but mostly because of your lack of appetite. Every time you thought of Chan, it made your stomach turn and well, everything reminded you of him. You hadn’t realised how much it had actually affected your physical condition until now though.

“You're not taking care of yourself,” he scolds you. You can feel yourself bristle at his comment even though you know it’s true. “I haven't been around to take care of you either. I'm sorry.”

“Chan,” you protest. It has been weeks since you last saw him in person and you’ve spent more time that you’d like to admit micro analysing your relationship, but you still can’t make sense of his behaviour, especially how he keeps switching between criticism and tenderness.

“What?” he asks in genuine confusion.

“Why are you here?”

“I missed you,” Chan says, sounding hurt and confused. “I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“I just- I don’t understand what you want from me!” You run your hands through your hair in frustration. “One day you don’t want me around, we go weeks without seeing each other, then you’re at my place cooking me dinner? You said you needed space, I gave you space."

“Woah woah woah, what do you mean I don’t want you around?” Chan asks, alarmed. “When have I ever said that?”

“You made it pretty clear that you didn’t appreciate it when I went to bring you dinner that day,” you start.

“No, baby!” Chan stands up abruptly before you can say anything else. He falters when the loud scrape of his chair causes you to flinch back. He slowly walks towards you and kneels in front of you, reaching out to hold your hands in his. His eyes are wide with earnestness. “Of course I wanted to spend time with you. I always want to be with you.”

“So why did you call me clingy?” you ask in a small voice. Gone is your anger, replaced with a self-consciousness that you can’t hide. You look away as tears prickle your eyes.

Gently, Chan lets go of your hands and cups your cheeks instead, turning your face so that he can see you better. His thumbs swipe under your eyes, brushing away the tears that have managed to escape.

“Baby,” he says, sounding even more upset and angry than you feel. “I'm sorry. Did someone tell you I said that?”

“Nobody had to tell me, I heard you say it myself!” you burst out, pushing Chan away. You know that you’re being dramatic, that you keep oscillating between different emotions, but you don’t care. “That day, in your studio, you told Han and Changbin that I was really clingy.”

“You heard me talking to Binnie and Hannie?” Chan asks slowly.

“I didn't mean to eavesdrop,” you sniffle. One of Chan's hands shifts and he carefully tucks behind a lock of hair that has fallen in front of your face. The gentleness makes even more tears well up.

“It's okay, I think I know what you overheard now. It must have hurt, right?”

You can't muster up a response, choosing instead to just nod slightly.

“I’m sorry, I'm sorry,” he soothes you. “Can I explain myself?”

You pause for a moment, then slowly nod again.

“I don't mind that you're clingy, actually, I like it. I shouldn't have used that word. I like that you want to spend time with me, Y/n,” Chan says carefully. “I like that you take time to visit me, even though I know that your work is busy too. I think that it's cute and thoughtful that you think of me and try to take care of me by bringing me food. I know that you intentionally take the time out of your day to text me because you know that I like hearing from you, even though I might not see it or respond right away.”

Chan pauses for a second and you use it as an opportunity to pull away slightly. His hands tighten briefly, before he lets them fall away, giving you the space to process.

It's not that you don't like what Chan is saying, it's just hard to reconcile it with the thoughts that have been eating away at you for the past few weeks. You still don't understand what you overheard though, how it fits into all of this. When you voice your concerns to Chan, he sighs, before continuing to speak.

“I don't know what I did to have someone as caring and thoughtful as you in my life.” You want to protest, but Chan carries on before you can say anything. “It's just that- you visited me without notice and were the sweetest person in the world. I wanted to spend time with you, believe me, I did, but I can't just ignore my deadlines when the rest of the members are relying on me. It makes me feel like garbage when I can’t give you all my attention. That's the thing I hate the most. That I can't be the boyfriend that you deserve. That I can't show you how much you mean to me the way that I want to.”

It makes sense, in some sort of twisted way. You know that similarly to you, Chan often feels insecure. It had taken a while before you had been able to convince him that you really did want to be in a relationship with him even with all of the difficulties that were associated with being an idol. You hadn't realised that your visit had fed into his worries that he wasn’t enough.

“I didn't know,” you say quietly. “I'm sorry.”

“Hey, I didn't tell you how I was feeling and that's on me. I’m the one that’s sorry, you have no reason to be. I should have been clearer about what was going through my mind and it wasn't any excuse for the way that spoke to you. Even if I wasn't at my best, I can't believe that I made you feel like I didn't want you to be around.” Chan shakes his head and you can tell that he's beating himself up about it. This time, you're the one that reaches out to him, grabbing one of his hands in both of yours.

“I am sorry that I put you into that position, though. I got caught up in the idea of how fun and romantic it might be, that I didn't give enough consideration to your schedule. Even though I wanted to surprise you, it would have been better to check with you beforehand. I don't ever want you to have to feel like you have to choose between me and work.”

“It was a really nice surprise,” Chan agrees. “I wish that I hadn't been so wrapped up that I wasn't able to enjoy spending time with you. I really hated not being able to see you these past few weeks.”

“It was really hard for me too,” you admit.

“I missed you so much. I missed your beautiful voice, hearing your laugh, seeing your smile. I missed all the texts that you usually send, they make me feel like I'm not as far away, that I'm a part of your day too. You kept saying that everything was fine and- I know it's hard for you, especially during comeback periods when I'm not as responsive. I didn't want to pressure you into messaging me more often if I'm not able to do the same.”

“No, it's not that. It doesn't bother me. Work was, is still really busy for me,” you explain. “I was trying to tell you that day, but-”

“But I basically shut you down,” Chan realises. He laughs bitterly. “I’m just the worst, aren't I? No wonder you were so confused by why I was here.”

“I thought you were going to break up with me tonight,” you whisper. Chan looks devastated by your statement.

 “No- you know I wouldn't-” Chan stumbles on his words in his haste to correct you.

“I don't think that anymore,” you reassure him. “I understand everything now, it was just that we didn't communicate well and I assumed… It's okay, we're together now, this won't happen again.”

“I promise that I will make it up to you. I love you and I will prove it to you in every way possible. And I'm going to start right now. You still haven't eaten yet, please go ahead.” Chan moves back to his abandoned chair and doles out a portion of the stew from the pot that's on the table. 

“I am really hungry,” you confess. Your stomach chooses that exact moment to growl loudly and the two of you can’t help but burst into laughter. 

Just like that, it feels like things are back to normal.

You know that there's still more that you and Chan have to talk about. The two of you have only scratched the surface on your insecurities, communication, and how those things led to such a significant misunderstanding.

But tonight, it's enough that you get to share a meal with the man that you love.

read it on ao3 | masterlist

[ms-demeanor]

Okay but also putting the panic aside part of what is going on here is that I'm feeling stressed because I'm feeling helpless; I could be cleaning right now but I am at work so it's just a thing that's sitting there hovering over me and filling me with anxiety so ignoring the specifics of my weird timing and odd mess situation, here's the "So You're a Disaster Guide to Preparing Your Home for Guests"

Here are the things you should be able to offer your overnight guests:

A clean and comfortable place to sleep with clean sheets, pillows, and blankets.

A clean and sanitary bathroom with towels (and, optionally, toiletries)

Depending on the space you've got, a comfortable place to spend time outside of the area they will be sleeping in (this may also be your primary socializing or relaxing space)

Access to clean dishes and a source for (at the very least) water (and possibly snacks/drinks/meals depending on the length of the stay and your relationship to your guests).

Here's a quick guide to providing those things in the shortest amount of time possible based on order of importance.

Make sure that you've got clean bedclothes and towels for your guest; if you do not have these things immediately at hand your first priority is doing a load of laundry to get clean towels, sheets, and blankets for your guest [and wash bath mats if necessary].

Tidy the area they will be sleeping in by clearing away clutter. Your goal is to achieve an unobstructed sleeping surface (so if they're sleeping on a fold-out couch or a futon in a shared space make sure that it will require minimal effort to turn into a bed when they are ready to sleep; if they are sleeping on an air mattress move any furniture blocking the mattress out of the way and inflate the mattress then make the bed; if they are in a guest room make sure that anything stored on or near the bed is cleared away then make up the bed). Provide a space for your guest to put any travel bags and provide a place near their sleeping area for them to put their phone/medications/glass of water/etc. that they may need in the night. [This is where you stop and move on to the next area unless you have lots of time. If you have lots of time, completely sweep or vacuum the floor of your guest's space, dust the room, and ensure that there is a power strip or phone charger handy for your guest]

Make sure the bathroom they will be using is clean and functional (it's actually a tossup for me about whether you clean the bathroom or the sleeping area first; I'm less willing to clean a bathroom while guests are present than a sleeping area so I'd say bathroom first honestly). My recommendation for this is to do things in the following order (make sure the space is well ventilated): - Spray a cleaning solution in the tub or shower, focusing on any problem areas. - Let that sit while you spray the same cleaning solution in the sink. - Let that sit while you use a brush and your preferred toilet cleaning solution to scrub the toilet bowl. - Use a brush or sponge to scrub the shower/tub then rinse the shower/tub. - Use a brush or sponge to scrub the sink then rinse the sink. - Use a cloth with a cleaning solution or a cleaning wipe to clean the exterior of the toilet - Use a cloth to wipe down any surfaces like the countertop - Place fresh hand towels in the bathroom - Sweep and spot-mop the floor then empty the trashcan and spot clean the mirror tada clean bathroom [This is where you stop and move on to the next area unless you have lots of time; if you have lots of time do a full mop of the bathroom floor, clean the mirror, and dust any surfaces that need it]

Clean the kitchen in the following order: - Put away any clean dishes - Clear countertops of clutter - Wash any dirty dishes or load them into the dishwasher so that the sink is clear and rinse the sink - Use a cloth with a cleaning solution or cleaning wipes to wipe down countertops, dust appliances, and do a quick wipe-down of the range. - Place fresh hand towels in the kitchen - Sweep the floor and empty the trash [This is where you stop and move on to the next area unless you have lots of time, if you have lots of time mop the floor, do a deep clean of countertops, clean and sanitize the sink, check whether your refrigerator needs to be cleared of aging food or have any spills cleaned up, clean the kitchen range, and clean the oven door]

Prepare a living room for your guests in the following order: - Make sure there are clear seats available for at least every adult who will be in the household; pick up and put away crafts, toys, or projects that may be in the way of visitors. - Clear the surfaces of tables next to any seating options so that a seated person could easily set down a drink; consider placing coasters on each of these surfaces so they are handy if someone wants one. - Sweep or vacuum the floor as needed. [This is where you stop and move on unless you have lots of time; if you have lots of time consider vacuuming the creases of furniture, dusting shelves and surfaces in the room, and possibly cleaning the windows.]

My approach to this is basically "if you were picking someone up from the airport at midnight and bringing them back to your home, would they be able to get ready for bed and comfortably go to sleep right away?" which is why things are prioritized the way they are. Things would be different if I were cleaning in preparation for a party or if I were having people over for dinner, this is just the 'clean a house after you get off work and before you get in the car to go to LAX' list.

[idyllicwillowtree]

Smitten Kittens

Genre: Eddie Munson x fem!reader; fluff

Summary: Eddie helps out a very special cat who turns out to be yours. 

Word count: 3.3K

Warnings: light drug-use, swearing, illusions to bad parental relationships/toxic parents, reader is called ‘Ms. Y/L/N’ at one point, Eddie-centric, Eddie being a crazy cat lady

Author’s note: Loosely based off of me and my cat <3 ; pictures found on pinterest

Main Masterlist

_______________________________________________

4:37. Every morning Eddie’s body wakes him up at 4:37 and no matter how long he lays in bed or how late he stays up he can’t go back to sleep. He could have his eyes closed, unmoving for hours and still his mind would not allow him anymore rest. 

That’s where his little friend Mary-Jane comes in handy.

His uncle, Wayne, is usually still at work at this time so Eddie doesn’t bother being gentle as he swung the front door open, a joint dangling from his chapped lips and a couple cans of tuna in his hand. 

Stepping out of his muggy trailer, he took a deep breath of fresh morning air as goosebumps emerged on his skin. In preparation for the sun to rise, the night sky became a dark blue mixing with the yellow street lamps, light enough for Eddie not to use a flashlight. He plopped himself down on his front steps, his sock covered feet avoiding the dewy grass below by setting them on the last wooden step.

He lit up his joint, taking a deep inhale and enjoying a short moment alone before gently tapping the tuna can with his lighter.

“Purrrrow?”

“Jesus Christ!” Eddie clutched his chest before turning towards the noise, “Oh, there you are Ozzy.”

When Eddie started using weed to help him sleep in the middle of the night he slowly made some new furry friends. Once he set a precedent that the stray cats could come to him for a snack, he became the unofficial cat-guy of the trailer park. 

Something about taking care of the mangy little beasts of the neighborhood made him feel important. Knowing there were four starving cats out there that turned to him for comfort filled him with a sense of purpose. Something he doesn’t always get with the people in his life.

As he starts filling the large dog dish he leaves outside with the fishy treat, the rest of his cat gang arrives, greeting him with quiet chirps, excited purring, and vertical tails. 

Ozzy was the leader, a short-haired tabby that was pure muscle. He usually sported an intimidating glare as he watched over the other cats, keeping them protected and in line. His right-pawed man was a skinny gray cat Eddie named Dio. He was the only one who let Eddie hold him, never clawing to get away, but still preferring to keep all four paws on land. Then there was Dungeon and Dragon, two orange cats attached at the hip and always getting into trouble. Dungeon was very talkative while Dragon was the most affectionate. 

Eddie continued smoking his joint, blowing the smoke in the opposite direction of the eating cats. He listened as their loud smacking and happy purrs echoed in the dish.

Ozzy abruptly stopped eating, eyes zeroed in on something under Eddie’s trailer porch to his right. The cat’s back immediately puffed, fur standing up on its own. He let out an aggressive hiss followed by a yowl that sent a chill down Eddie’s spine. The rest of the cats perked up in curiosity. 

“Please don’t be a raccoon,” Eddie mumbled to himself as he leaned over to get a better look.

Suddenly, a tentative black paw emerged from the shadow of the porch. The most beautiful cat Eddie had ever seen revealed herself, delicately sniffing at the fishy morning air.

Ozzy was not about to share his food with this new cat, making it known through his loud yowling that Dio soon joined in on. Dungeon and Dragon’s ears were pulled back, hissing at the new arrival.

Eddie watched as the cat timidly backed up under the porch again, not wanting any trouble but still eyeing their leftover tuna. 

“Alright guys, that’s enough,” Eddie began gently shooing the clowder of cats away. They all snapped out of it and scampered off to do whatever it is they usually do when they’re done with their breakfast. Not before Ozzy could send one last hiss in the direction of the black cat.

 “Yeah, yeah, we get it. You’re a big tough guy. Go on.” 

Pleased with himself, Ozzy trotted away in the direction of his pack. Once they were gone, Eddie finally got a good look at black cat who, once again, was making her way out of hiding.

In comparison to the rest of the cats, this one stuck out like a sore thumb. While the others were matted flea-covered strays, this cat had perfectly groomed long hair that looked particularly soft and fluffy. Her neon green eyes were clear and bright and her ears remained pointed and intact. 

After she made sure all the other cats were gone, she immediately perked up and began approaching Eddie with her fluffy tail pointing towards the sky.

“Meow?”

“Hi there,” Eddie said gently. “You’re new.”

Eddie slowly lifted his hand, pointer finger stretched out towards the feline. She sniffed at it attentively before dragging her cheek across his short nails repeatedly. Eddie got the hint and started scratching behind her ears and down her spine, watching happily as she leaned into his touch before getting distracted by the leftover fish. 

She was even softer than he imagined.

Eddie knew she didn’t belong out here, she’s too healthy and social to be an outdoor cat or a stray. His heart ached at the thought of someone out there looking for this sweet and loving companion. He knew he needed to help her find her home.

“In the meantime, I bestow upon you the title of ‘Sabbath’. Pretty metal, huh?”

“Purrrrow?”

“Exactly.”

Eddie cautiously scooped her up, pleasantly surprised by how easy this was for her. She immediately settled in his grip and turned to wrap her paws around his neck, nuzzling affectionately into his long hair. 

Eddie took a moment with her, enjoying the feeling of her vibrating purrs against his chest, before heading back inside and to bed. The purring heals his heart a bit, it’s nice having someone around who offers their love to him without needing anything in return.

As soon as Eddie sets her down on the comforter, she spins around a couple times before passing out, Eddie falling asleep not long after.

 _______________________________________________

Eddie was sitting in class hunched over his notebook, planning out the next Dungeons and Dragons campaign for Hellfire. He was so focused he didn’t even realize the rest of the class packed up their things and left already.

“Mr. Munson, class is dismissed,” the teacher pointed out tiredly.

“You sure you want me to go, Mr. K?” Eddie said slyly, knowing Mr. Kowcheski hates the nickname, “we could talk about our feelings? Who have you been crushing on these days?”

Mr. Kowcheski deadpanned at the delinquent for a long moment before looking past him.

“You too, Ms. Y/L/N. Class is over.”

Eddie turned around, noticing you were still there for the first time. You sat slumped in your chair with a slack expression and wet dull eyes as you stared at the linoleum floor. You jumped slightly and blushed from the attention, eyes jumping around the room.

“S-sorry Mr. Kowcheski,” your voice wavered as you shakily gathered your things and made a break for it, Eddie following close behind.

He’s not sure what possessed him to approach you, but he knew he needed to make sure you were okay. 

 You never gave Eddie a reason to hate you, always sending him shy smiles and letting him borrow a pencil whenever he asked. You were a breath of fresh air in a school full of stale and rotten posers who made his life a living nightmare.

Everytime Eddie’s eyes wandered to you in class, you were always paying close attention and absorbing the lecture through taking notes and asking questions. He always admired that about you. That’s why it was so strange seeing you so zoned out that you didn’t even realize the bell had already rung.

“Hey, you okay?” Eddie said, catching up to you in the hallway.

“Huh? O-oh hi Eddie. What’s up?”

Now that Eddie was closer, he could see your red-trimmed eyes and dark bags as you avoided his gaze. Your usual up-beat tone of voice was now scratchy and tired. Eddie felt sadness and worry flip through his stomach at the sight.

“Nothing, I just wanted to see if you were okay,” he tilted his head, trying to catch your eye, “You don’t seem like your normal self.”

Eddie could tell by the way your eyes widened and your breathing stuttered that he caught you off guard. Once you gather your bearings, you offer him a shy smile that comes as quickly as it goes.

“Thanks, Eddie. I’m fine,” you looked down at your shoes, shaking your head solemnly. “It’s…it’s stupid. But thanks anyway,” you said, voice breaking along with Eddie’s heart.

You walked away before he could press any further. 

_______________________________________________

Now that school was out, Eddie could finally head home and brainstorm ideas on how to return Sabbath to her rightful home.

 Eddie sauntered through the trailer door, shopping bags full of canned cat food in tow, as he shook the rain from his wet hair like a dog. He turned to Wayne, lounging in his usual spot on the armchair, only this time he wasn’t alone.

“Boy, if you don’t get this damn cat off of me…”

Sabbath looked perfectly happy, stretched out on Wayne’s jean covered legs. Blissfully unaware that he wanted her off of him. Or maybe she just didn’t care. She sent Eddie, what could only be described as a smile as he walked over and delicately scooped her up. She protested a little with a long closed mouth “mew”, then settled into his arms, hugging him around the neck once more.

Wayne looked up at Eddie, ocean eyes flooded with disapproval.

“I know, I know. It’s the last time I swear,” Eddie defended.

His Uncle stayed silent.

“I couldn’t just leave the poor thing, she wouldn’t have survived. She’s a lover, not a fighter!”

Wayne's face stayed the same, only lifting the corner of his brow at him.

“I’m looking for her owner, I swear. She definitely belongs to someone.”

At that, Wayne lifted himself from his armchair with an “old man grunt”, as Eddie liked to call it. His Uncle gave him a loving pat on the shoulder as he walked past him, heading to the bathroom to get ready for his night shift at the plant. 

Eddie spent the rest of the evening making posters out of cheap printer paper, writing on them with a giant black magic marker. 

“Found Cat

Black, long hair, green eyes”

Eddie added his phone number and called it good. It wasn’t much to go off of, but he figured there couldn’t be too many missing black cats out there in Hawkins.

Eddie flicked the pen cap towards Sabbath, watching as she swatted it off the edge of the table and chased it around. Soon she riled herself up so much that the zoomies overcame her, running from one end of the trailer all the way into Eddie’s room and back again. He found himself completely entertained just by watching this cat do cat things that a couple hours went by without him even noticing.

Eddie was hoping the rain would subside but this was Indiana, the weather never did what you wanted it to do. He wanted to get the word out sooner, but it’ll have to wait until tomorrow. Not that he was complaining. Fondness blossomed in his chest as Sabbath trotted over to him and rubbed the top of her soft head against his chin. Then she settled on his lap for the rest of the evening.

_______________________________________________

6:14. This morning, Eddie managed to sleep in. Although he would’ve much rather slept longer, he was pleasantly surprised to have a couple extra hours. 

That was until he realized why he had woken up. Sabbath was meowing continuously, barely stopping to breathe. Jumping back and forth from the pillow Eddie was resting his head on, to the top of his dresser that was set in front of his bedroom window. When she leaped up, sliding a bit on the smooth surface, she scratched at the window overlooking the front yard. Eddie sluggishly pulled himself up and out of bed to see what Sabbath was getting so worked up about.

You were riding your bike in the soft glow of the morning, tires crutching in protest as you slowly pedaled. You kept your eyes and head moving, scanning the area diligently. In one hand you gripped the handle bars, in the other you held a small bag of cat treats that you were shaking every few seconds. Hope lightens your eyes at the sound of Dungeon’s meows, but it dissolves instantly when he’s not the one you’re looking for.

Eddie watched as Sabbath propped herself up on her back legs and began scratching at the single paned glass window like she could dig her way through. When she looked back at Eddie, begging him to understand her pleas, he patted her head softly and moved towards the front door.

By the time Eddie stepped outside you had stopped your bike and were silently sobbing in the middle of the road. Your back was partially turned to him but he could tell by the quivering of your shoulders and the slouch of your neck that you were overwhelmed with emotion.

“Hey Y/N!” Eddie greeted, louder than he intended.

Eddie cringed slightly as you jumped three feet into the air, dropping the open bag of treats in the process. The clowder of strays devours the fallen snacks in seconds before running off into the woods. Not before Ozzy could send Eddie a look that portrayed his disappointment in him for not feeding them earlier in the morning.

“Ah, shit. Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, no it’s alright,” you sniffed hard and vigorously wiped your face before turning to Eddie, playing it off like you weren’t just weeping.

As Eddie got closer he noticed the plastic cat carrier zip tied to the back of your bike and the pile of clothes in the basket attached to your handlebars. You watched him scan your bike, his eyes sparkling with what you misinterpreted for judgment. 

“Sorry, I’m just looking for…for my cat,” you sent him a tightlipped smile and sniffed back your tears. 

“She must be some cat, huh?” Eddie couldn’t stand to leave you hanging for any longer, watching your face crumple as you nodded. He smiled softly, “she wouldn’t happen to be a fluffy black cat, would she?”

Your head snapped up, eyes wide and hopeful. The last remnants of your tears sliding down your cheeks as you blinked owlishly at him. Your mouth was agape in an attempt to respond, but all you could manage was a frantic nod.

Eddie walked backwards slowly and smiled playfully, dimples on full display as he wiggled his eyebrows at you. He swiftly spun around before jogging up his front steps to open his front door. You watched him curiously before you noticed what emerged from his trailer.

“KITTY!” a sob ripped through your throat as you lurched forward, bike clattering to the ground in the process.

“Kitty?” Eddie mumbled to himself incredulously.

He watched as the relief you were feeling had a physical effect on you. Your knees wobbled, feet crossing over each other as you ran forward. It would’ve taken you down had you not been so eager to reach the feline. Whimpers cracked through your chest when you finally met in the middle, ‘Kitty’ being just as excited to get to you. You expertly scooped her up and let her snuggle into your hair as you clung to each other. The way you held one another reminded Eddie of how a caring mother would hold her child.

Watching this reunion was something special. Seeing these two beings who were unconditionally in love, coming together after days apart sent a warmth through Eddie’s heart. He felt a bit selfish for being proud of himself for making this happen, but quickly shook it off. That cat definitely wouldn’t have survived if it weren’t for him and you would still be heartbroken.

“I was s-so w-worried about you, Kitty,” you blubbered as you pressed kiss after kiss on her soft little head. Your happy tear-filled eyes blinked up at Eddie, “t-thank you so much, Eddie. You have no idea what this means to me, thank you-” before you could back out you gently held Eddie’s face and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. 

Eddie’s face tingled with heat as a blush crept up his neck. He was just standing there, dumbfounded, not expecting the affection but not hating it either. He moved to touch his burning cheek to savor the feeling, but it made you cringe seeing the moisture you left behind.

“S-sorry,” you said with a wet laugh.

“Don’t apologize. I should be thanking you,” Eddie said, still in a lovesick daze.

“What? You’re the one that saved my cat!”

“Yeah, but you’re the one that kissed me!” Eddie would like to say that his flirting was smooth and intentional, but really he was just flabbergasted that someone as sweet and pretty as you would give him any sort of attention. 

You barked out a surprised laugh as Kitty moved to nuzzle her face into the other side of your neck. You wiped at the tears and snot still caked on your face, suddenly feeling embarrassed by your emotional outburst.

“Sorry,” you apologized again, “I feel kinda stupid for crying so hard over a cat.”

“You keep saying that,” Eddie said with a smile and a soft head shake that made his curly hair float around his shoulders.

You sniffed, “saying what?”

“That your emotions are stupid. Like it’s some offense to be sad and worried about the greatest cat in the world.”

Eddie’s words surprised you. You scanned his face, looking for anything that would suggest he’s teasing or making fun of you. Luckily, it wasn’t there.

“You…you think she’s the great cat in the world?”

“Yeah! What’s not to like? She’s affectionate, entertaining, and really fucking cute. I’d probably lose my mind if I was the one to lose her. I mean, she’s a cat that hugs. What’s better than that?”

You gasped dramatically, turning to look at the cat still in your arms, “you hugged him? What a little traitor! She usually only hugs me,” you giggled.

Eddie was shocked, yet flattered. “She must be a good judge of character,” he said with a smug grin.

“Yeah, that explains why she hates my parents.”

Eddie erupted in laughter, catching you off guard. You didn’t mean to make a joke but it was kind of funny. Your chortles mixing together and echoing throughout the quiet trailer park. 

Your cat pulled back from your neck so she could look back at Eddie and send him a grateful “meow” and a slow blink. Eddie reached out to stroke behind her ears lovingly. It made you tense for a second, scared she’d take a swipe at the metal-head but instead she leaned into his touch.

“You like that, don’t you Sabbath?” he cooed, the pitch to his voice raising an octave.

“You named her Sabbath?”

“Oh, uhh y-yeah,” Eddie said, scratching the back of his neck bashfully. “Yeah, it was just a placeholder name until I found her owner.”

You nodded slowly as a knowing smile slithered across your lips, “Black Sabbath. Very clever.”

Eddie could have proposed to you right then and there. Instead, he would have to settle for dinner and a movie.

_______________________________________________

Thanks for reading!

main masterlist

[herdemimonde]

some things i'm learning as i become more of a kept woman...

be prepared for the possibility that you may have to leave everyone where they are. your girlfriends/sisters/etc may not be into hypergamy. your family may not care to level up their lives. be prepared that you may have to walk this path alone until you find like minded people along your journey.

people may talk about you. i'm not talking about jealous men that are mad they can't afford you. i'm talking about those you care about. best friends. close family members. you may hear phrases like "you're so high maintenance", "you want too much" or the questions "why can't you settle? why do you have to be like that?" "why do you want so much?" who do you think you are?" you may hear backhanded jokes or snide comments as well. don't get mad. but take note. notice who's saying it. there's jealously behind their words. move silently.

watch out for people that start asking for things they have no business asking you for. they feel entitled to what you have.

the cost for your beauty maintenance will always get more and more expensive lol.

if you're like me and you come from an impoverished background you may have to get use to spending money. at least this was the case for me. i know that sounds odd but when you've become accustomed to going without or having to buy the cheapest option, suddenly not having to look at price tags may feel foreign at first. work on cultivating an abundance mindset, speak wealth to yourself and heal your scarcity wound. and be gentle with yourself during this process. this mindset was most likely developed during childhood.

you do not have to be a rhodes scholar. you don't have to know everything about everything and get embarrassed when you don't. it can actually work in your favor to not know but show an eagerness or a curiosity about it. men love to teach and share their knowledge. however you should be up to date on current events and what's happening in the world.

you do not have to be a 10. looks are important but it's more important to look put together. exercising and eating healthy is of the upmost importance.

outside of the bedroom, spewing profanities, acting vulgar and dressing *too* provocative will probably not go over well.

be interested in his work other than how much he earns.

learn about him. his likes, his dislikes, and even more so learn what stresses him out and what makes him happy, that will come in handy. 😉

[arthyritis]

I have an intellectual disability. Mild bordering on moderate in most areas, according to my diagnosis.

What this means for me is that all sorts of communication gets lost in my brain. I process things slower, social interactions get jumbled, and tasks that I should know how to do sometimes require a little extra help, like eating, cooking, hygiene, etc, but especially things I'm unfamiliar with.

Setting and having non-stagnant reminders handy helps with my scheduling, as in not doing the same things at the same time but instead with a more specific cause, like telling my partner at bedtime that I need to brush my teeth, which is more likely to make me do it, or having food already prepared that I can just heat up instead of cooking a full meal.

With things I'm unfamiliar with (like cooking a new meal, or doing something at someone else's place) it means walking me through it step-by-step. My family friend is blind and has a more specific way of doing things that I'm unequipped for, but that my mom knows, so she tells me what I need to do/where to put things that he'll be able to find them again.

I'm also independent, so sometimes I will struggle to ask for the help I need and will have a freeze response. Comorbid with my AD(H)D and anxiety, this can lead to panic attacks and meltdowns, so it's oftentimes important to pay closer attention to things I'm doing that I am not aware of until after the panic has started.

All this to say, even a "milder" diagnosis requires a lot of help sometimes. MID is my diagnosis but this honestly works for autism and adhd peeps, too. For me, there's an overlap between how my symptoms of MID work with how autism works (something I'm also suspected of having), but with the added bonus of being learning disabled, which autism doesn't guarantee, because that's specifically a developmental disability, while intellectual disability is a learning disability and a developmental disability.

I'm two years diagnosed as of June 30th, I'm learning how to cope with this still. But it remains a disability! Happy disability pride month to my fellow intellectually disabled peeps :)

[baratiddyappreciator]

Dating the main Baki cast HCs

Continuing on with these because... idk, I can't find many that I really like.

Baki:

You two would probably get together sometime after Kozue has had enough with his constant putting his life on the line and in danger.

He's not a good boyfriend, but he's not a bad one either. He's really only had experience with Kozue, and even then, they weren't really together for a really long time.

He's either very present or very absent, there is no in-between. Be prepared to be put on a back burner if he wants to train to defeat a strong opponent or just because he yes he absolutely needed to spend an entire month training up in the middle of nowhere.

He does try and be present for you though, he likes to show his partner that he cares and appreciates them. A lot of making food and cuddling whenever he's not obsessively training or getting ready for a fight.

Introduce this man to ASMR and he will absolutely melt tbh, he's already super chill, ASMR would just amplify that level of chill. Once you introduce the concept of a self-care night, he'll be fully on-board.

"Hey baby, are you ready for our quiet night in? The blankets are fresh out of the dryer, they'll be nice and warm."

Kozue:

You two would probably get together a while after she dumps Baki because that boy gives her too much stress to date, but she can indeed keep him as a friend. Let me tell you that the relief of having someone less likely to get themselves killed by being an idiot from planet strong does wonders for this girl.

A lot of average and basic dates, but that's okay, she doesn't need anything fancy as long as you have a good time. It's about the quality with her, and some good quality time is all she needs.

Self care is really important to her, considering she spends a lot of time studying and doing extra-curricular activities (as well as worrying about Baki's dumbass), so playing with her hair during down time or even a little shoulder massage while she's studying goes a long way with her.

High-key needs someone who can reassure her that she's doing the right thing or validate her worries and not make her feel like she's crazy or over reacting about something that stresses her out.

Pamper the hell out of her, this girl deserves it. Get her some cozy pajamas and a nice fluffy blanket, drag her into bed and watch a movie or her favourite idols performing live before bed, help this girlie pop relax after a stressful week.

"Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have crammed that project, I mean, it's not due for another while. Thanks for the help!"

Hanayama:

He met you at a bar, and the man absolutely did not waste any time expressing that he was interested. Unfortunately for him, he's basically physically unable of being suave or subtle, so he absolutely fumbled the bag in the beginning.

Don't expect him to have any idea what he's doing in the beginning, he'll be awkward and confused about what he's doing with you, a lot of just straight up staring at you and than saying something that is (probably) really weird or rude. It takes a while for things to click with him, but once they do and he figures out what sort of things you like, he's actually a pretty good partner.

He's actually really sweet once he figures out what you like. Do you like quality time? Yeah, he can do quality time once in a while, just don't expect him to appreciate it if you ask him to snuggle while he's in front of his underlings. He has a reputation to uphold you know.

He absolutely loves showing off how strong he is for you. Need that jar opened? No problem, he's got it. Just make sure you have a spare container handy for whatever is inside. You want him to help you reach something? Yeah, he can do that, up you go. Anyone bugging you? Not anymore. As a matter of fact, they're never seen again, and if they are, it's definitely in worse shape then they were last.

He's theoretically a great listener, but whether or not he's actually listening to you is a 50/50, because he might just be lost in his own head. He doesn't talk a lot, but when he does speak his mind, you should probably listen, because he doesn't really confide in a lot of people.

He'll absolutely spoil you to show off, but then sometimes he'll get you small, really thoughtful gifts that he knows you'll like. Did your favourite necklace go missing? Don't worry, he's gotten it cleaned, fixed and polished, he's got it in his back pocket in a box so he can give it to you later.

"Hey, I've got somethin' for ya. Turn around and close your eyes, trust me, you'll like this one."

Katsumi:

Honestly, you either met him while just out and about and saw him with the Shinshinkai karate boys, or you met him while you were just out and about. Either way, it's one of those situations where you wind up having no clue how you bagged this one.

He's absolutely the kind of guy to be able to charm your socks (and pants) off but he does it with pure intentions. He just wants to make sure that you know he has eyes only for you.

He absolutely uses his parent's relationship to judge if he's doing things right. Do you look at him the same way his mom looks at his dad? No? Well, looks like he needs to work harder then, because that's absolutely how he wants his pookie to look at him.

You know those giant plush teddy bears? Yeah, so does he. He would absolutely get you one. He would also crawl inside said teddy bear and surprise you, especially if you've had a rough day. So if he asks you to go grab something from the store, then be very suspicious.

Absolutely the kind of guy to cuddle you while you both sleep. He'll wake up a few minutes early just so he can spend some time cuddling you before he gets up to work out. Lots of sleepy kisses and little mumbled I love you's while he rubs your back or plays with your hair.

"Hey precious, good morning. Did you sleep okay? The sun's not up yet, we can stay in bed a little bit longer."

Jack:

Honestly, you likely met him while he was out and about, likely at a restaurant or while he was at the gym, and he probably ignored you the entire time, the man is incredibly used to having to ignore people staring at him, but he's not very used to those stares being literal heart eyes.

He's oddly enough a more competent partner than Baki, but not by a lot. He'll give you attention, sure, but you aren't really a priority in his eyes, just a nice bonus that makes life more enjoyable for him. He'll at least pause his training and workouts to give you a small kiss on the forehead or to look at you while you're talking to him.

Definitely not perfect, he's a stubborn man, and while he'll usually give in to some requests of yours. He's not going to ease up on his training, and he's not going to stop taking steroids, but he will at least refrain from taking them in front of you, and he'll at least bring water with him while he trains.

Katsumi has lazy mornings, but Jack has lazy nights. After his night-time run, supper and a shower, he's perfectly happy to curl up and laze around with you until one or both of you falls asleep.

His voice gets really rumbly when he's tired or right after he's woken up, so talking to him when he's right on the cusp of sleep winds up in him mumbling back to you, not even bothering to open his eyes unless it's just stupid enough.

He's more used to violence, so gentle touches absolutely make him shiver. If you gently scratch the back of his man's neck right at the base of his skull you can knock him out in under five minutes. He can't even complain, it probably helps with his back pain, and he's not above returning the favour.

This man radiates heat too, so a movie night in bed while it's chilly out is just pure bliss with him, because he'd absolutely start tracing little shapes on your back and thighs.

"Hey darlin', c'mere, you're gonna get cold all the way over there. The bed's warm and it's gettin' kinda late."

Kosho:

You probably saw him doing something dumb and dangerous (cough cough standing in front of a charging bull cough cough) and he somehow managed to not die??? And you also managed to not die??? Impressive.

He's not a distant partner, but he's not very close either. He doesn't want you to be seen as a potential weakness for him, but he also wants to brag about you because you're just so gorgeous and precious, and he's absolutely head over heels.

If you like taking care of your hands, that's something he'll have in common with you. His hands and feet are some of his greatest weapons, his fingers and nails especially. Give him a manicure and he will both kill and die for you.

Treating his greatest weapons with such care and gentleness is a surefire way to show that you care about him and his training. Show this man some love, he deserves it.

Playfully bullying each-other is a very large aspect of the relationship most likely, he is a younger sibling, he's gotta get that younger sibling energy out somehow, but he won't cross the line, he's not trying to be mean.

"Yeah yeah, and you're the president of the United States. Should I follow you around everywhere you go like a lovesick puppy to make sure you don't get kidnapped?"

Kureha:

You most likely met him at work, in school, or at the gym. And like most other people, you probably thought that he was really charming and well-spoken. Until you got to know him a little bit better and realized that he's just a straight up bitch.

Unlike Kosho, who playfully teases you, Kureha will sometimes actively be mean to you. If you can roll with the punches though, you'll be surprised to find that he'll start showing you that he doesn't actually mean anything by his snarky comments.

No, he will not let you play with his hair, absolutely not, that is his and his alone. You can look at it though. And don't use his shampoo either. Sure it smells good, of course it does. It's his.

I hope you don't mind messes either, because this man is either one of the neatest people alive, or one of the messiest. I'm talking just walking away from whatever he's doing for hours on end because he got called away to do something, or got the sudden urge to go workout again.

He's also a wild sleeper, so for the first little bit you'll get some good sleep, but once he gets into a deeper sleep you're probably going to get kicked or rolled around.

If you somehow manage to sleep through that, then his fifteen billion alarms are probably going to wake you up. You will not be in a normal sleeping position, because he'll have moved you around in his sleep.

He doesn't really cuddle, but he will let you curl up to him. He likes feeling how much more delicate you are than he is. He's also the kind of guy to just grab your hand and look at it for a little while, doing all sorts of random stuff like posing your fingers or bending your wrist.

"You do know that you've got some of the worst circulation that I've ever seen, right? Your fingers are always so cold, go stick them under some hot water before you give me hypothermia."

Retsu:

It's a case of right place right time with this one, because as far as you were concerned, you were just going to go get some groceries, and now there is a wall of man asking you if you know where they moved the seasoning to.

Very much an old man when it comes to love. He'll take you out on several dates before he actually asks you to be his partner. Not like, six or seven dates, nono, enough dates to just assume that you were already official.

Even when you are dating, this man is going to be working hard to properly court you. Do you want a quiet night in? He'll clean the place up, cook some dinner and set up some nice music so you can have a relaxing atmosphere.

He's also the kind of person to just spontaneously go on a walk. Sitting inside all day when there's good weather is such a waste of a good day, why not go walk through the park to go see the ducks or watch other people having a good time?

A few months into actually dating, he'll just sorta start reading you poetry. Really beautiful poetry too. The man has such a relaxing voice that he could probably soothe you to sleep. Ask him to read you a story during a rainy day and you'll be snoring before he finishes the first chapter.

"Did you want some more tea before I begin? How about a blanket? Alright, let's see what we have here."

Doppo:

Honestly, the only way I can see Doppo getting into a relationship with someone is if Natsue passes away, and even then, he probably wouldn't, but HYPOTHETICALLY, if he did, it would be with someone closer to his own age, he wouldn't want to feel like a cradle-snatcher.

We all know how devoted he is to Natsue, if he falls for you he'll fall HARD, anything you want, you can get it, just say the words. Hell, you don't even have to say the words, if he catches you looking at something for a while with that look of want in your eyes, expect it to be placed into your hands on your next date night.

Speaking of date nights, those happen frequently. He wants to make sure you know just how loved and valued you are, so he's taking you out every weekend for a nice quiet dinner somewhere cozy and pretty.

Expect for him to teach you a thing or two about self-defense. He may be your Superman, but he's not always right by your side, and he wants to know that you're safe.

Katsumi is pretty chill, so he wouldn't exactly mind another parental figure in his life either. Which is good, because Doppo does care about his son, and if Katsumi is against you being with him, he'll be stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He holds your hands a lot. When you're walking, sitting together, laying down to go to sleep, he just likes holding your hands and calling you pretty.

He's a suave mf, he knows how to compliment someone to get their heart fluttering. He'll look you dead in the eyes and give you the most thoughtful, love-filled compliment anyone has ever given you, and he won't stop until you make him shut up.

"Honey, you are the most stunning person I know. I'm lucky that you chose me, because your love is like standing in sunshine, like walking on a cloud."

Shibukawa:

I just can't see him getting involved with someone much younger than him honestly. Just imagining him with a sweet older partner that he can just sit and exist with and talk about life is just such pleasant imagery for me.

Someone who understands all his old aches and pains, and is there to support him through it. He's not decrepit, mind you, he's still pretty spry for a man in his mid seventies, so if anything, he's the one taking care of you.

He loves his early mornings, drinking tea and watching the sun rise, listening to the birds and the sounds of nature before the city comes to life, probably sitting out on a patio, just the two of you.

A lot of mischief. He's a mischievous old man, and you'd probably have to reign him in, he's not as spry as the youngsters he pranks after all, and sometimes someone needs to remind him to slow down a little sometimes.

He probably has a collection of all of his glass eyes, divided between old broken ones and new unused ones, all the way from his first one to the newest ones that he's had made. It pays to have spares.

You know the old people who pop out their dentures to scare kids? Yeah he does that with his eye, and you'd be left either trying to comfort this poor traumatized child or scold him so the parents don't get too upset. You can laugh about it later, don't worry, he certainly will be.

"Oh nonsense! That little brat needed to have a good scare, did you see the way he was treating his parents? It's just a glass eye, give him a few years and that'll be one of the coolest things he's ever seen!"

[dokidokiliteraturegirls]

The year is coming to a close! And as it does and we prepare to move forward, what better way to see how much progress we've made than by looking back to the path we've walked?

This has been a year full of adventures for Ako and the players of Feel Less! So many, in fact, that it's easy to forget all the progress we've made. In my particular case, as I was planning this retrospective, I tried to remember everything we did in 2024 and my conclusion was "I'm pretty sure we introduced like... one new character". But actually going through the archive, we see that the first update of 2024 was all the way back in Update 17: Call The shots. The one where Ako, Angie, and [REDACTED] go to downton Ad Portas in search of Machine Girl, and they have to decide what 3 places they can visit during the day.

This is the part of the story that leads to the introduction of about half the cast! Including two extremely important ones: Tsumiki Ningyou, the 2ndary protagonist, and Shirou Buranka, the main antagonist. Let's see all the other people we got to meet this year!

Which of these is your favorite~? I'm dying to know!

But not only did we meet new friends and foes, we also moved Ako's life forward, didn't we~? Now, I know it's hard to realize the impact you've had in the story without knowing what might have been. Just like in real life, it might appear as if we're just being brought along for the ride during a linear story. However!! Just like in real life, we're actually following a very specific path set by our environment and shaped by our decisions. Let's see what major player decisions led to big story changes this year!

You know, when I was planning out the story I didn't really expect each "stage" of it to take place during a year, but that's pretty much what happened! During 2023, we mostly did tutorials and introductions of concepts important to the setting and gameplay. During 2024, we got some bigger changes, alterations to the status quo, and introductions of major players for the unfolding events! And during 2025, the story will move forward even more into what I consider to be the "main dish" of Feel Less~ After all, there's still a couple questions that are left unanswered...

And these are but a few! Outside of player decisions, I've already got a lot of story planned out in advance~ So please look forward to meeting new characters, new locations, learning new answers, and new confrontations in 2025!!

And now, for the sappy part: I really am grateful to you all for reading, interacting, and supporting the story during this year 🥰 A lot of work goes into it, but my main motivator is and will always be that I'm lucky enough to have people who are interested in seeing what happens next~ You all mean so much to me, and you have my deepest thanks!! 💖

And as a little parting gift from 2024, I'll release all my Patreon-exclusive Behind The Scenes posts to the public! So you can check them out without paying or even without having a Patreon account ^^ Here's a handy dandy list in case you're looking for some more Feel Less content~

Update 28 Behind The Scenes ⭐ Update 30 Behind The Scenes Video ⭐ Update 31 Behind The Scenes ⭐ Tsumiki Ningyou: Behind The Scenes Video ⭐ Update 37 Progress Scenes ⭐ Video: Yui Yaps For Over An Hour While Drawing Machine Girl

Thank you all for a wonderful 2024, and let's have an even better 2025~! 🥰

[majaloveschris]

I feel like Chris doesn’t even know why she’s the one. Usually when people say “that’s a good question”, it’s just a cliff hanger for them to think of an answer. And then he decided to say that’s she’s huge dog lover… like, aren’t most people? That doesn’t mean they’re the one. They didn’t prepare him for that answer 😂😂🤣🤣🤣

At least he was honest about that being a good question. I'm sure it's a really good question for him too 😂 But I guess since they were there to talk about dog food (at least these interviews should be about that; but at this point it's more like good publicity for the relationship), it came handy for him because he had something to say, and with that answer it was easier for him to change the topic as fast as he can. 

They spent some time together, so you would assume that even if he isn't in love with her, he could mention at least one good personality trait, but no. 

I mean, I know people who don't like dogs, so they are out there, for sure. But as you said, just because you love dogs doesn't mean you are the perfect partner for someone, just because they have a dog and also love dogs like you do. I understand it's important to him, but to me it rather came across as a fast and handy answer than an honest one. And let's be honest, it doesn't seem like either Dodger or Alba are head over heels for each other. 

[venusandsaturnsrings]

★彡 confetti!

synopsis: it's his birthday! how will you spend the day together? a combination of sweet moments and depraved behaviour, naturally.

contains: 2.4k words of nonsense, fem/afab reader, implied chubby reader, p in v, and mushy romance.

between the plush blankets of your shared bed, lay you and your most beloved boyfriend. sunlight filtered through the windows to gently rest on the features of his face. ginger hair glowing, nose highlighted, and scars visible, you thought he looks most handsome in these vulnerable moments. should the world come collapsing at this exact second you don't think you'd mind with his beautiful face your last sight. his breathing was still slow and drool slipped past the corner of his mouth. you smiled and placed a feather light kiss to his nose before carefully removing yourself from the bed. Ajax is a light sleeper, to put it gently, but you've become well versed in the act of getting up without disturbing him; this came in handy for days like this. you shuffled to the bathroom to wash your face before tiptoeing to the kitchen.

with your best attempt at working in silence, you got to the task of making a birthday breakfast. you had taken the liberty to do some preparations the evening before, shooing Ajax out of the kitchen. with a handful of jams imported from Snezhnaya and recipes borrowed from his mother, you successfully got together a more than satisfactory meal. rye bread, cheeses, raspberry jam, and the star of the show, fresh plushki. the plushki were the most difficult part but the adorable heart shape of the pastries had you swooning already. with the kitchen smelling firmly of cinnamon and fruit, you carefully made your way back to the shared bedroom to rouse your still sleeping boyfriend.

his face was just as beautiful as when you first woke. kneeling on the bed, you peppered kisses all over his cheeks and chest until he groaned and let out a gruff chuckle. eyes finally cracking open, he gave you a lazy smile as he drew you in for a proper morning kiss. your hands brushed some stray orange tufts from his face to softly smooth over his skin with tenderness that could rival that of your own heart.

"good morning, 'Jax. happy birthday," you mumbled out with lips still brushing against his. he smiled wider, if even possible, and kissed you again.

"thanks, doll. if my nose doesn't mistake me, i smell something delicious coming from downstairs." cheeky as always but also starving, you giggled while humming in confirmation. the lighthearted compliment had you swooning once more. if you weren't already head over heels for him, you would be now. something about his vulnerably playful demeanor that only you and his family got to see had your stomach doing flips. you are just as special to him as he to you.

tugging him gently out of bed you lost count of the kisses shared already this morning. his lips never seemed to be able to leave yours for longer than a couple seconds but you certainly didn't mind. part of any good birthday was laying on the affection thick and syrupy. hand in hand, you took him down to the dining area adjacent to the kitchen where all of the treats were already lain out and his arms threaded around your waist with a sigh. Ajax nuzzles his head into your neck appreciatively before sitting down in the chair across from yours, only after pulling out the one for you to sit on, and surveyed the spread. it didn't take long for him to scarf down what you had prepared moaning over the taste of everything in his mouth happily. with your hand on one of your palms you explained the days agenda: enjoying this brunch, meandering the city, having dinner at Liuli Pavilion, and coming home to relax for the evening. he nodded along agreeably to everything, happy to release the reins for a day.

the day went smoothly. while out in the streets, you made sure to pay for all of the little trinkets picked up though you couldn't stop him from beating you to paying for dinner. in part you were upset considering it was his birthday but you also knew paying would leave you out of money for the next month at the very least. over the array of dishes picked out, you slid him a small box; his present. Ajax flushed a little bit, still unused to being so spoiled for once but he gently pulled the ribbon off of the quaint box to remove the lid and see just what you had gotten him. if there's one thing you learned while being together with the harbinger, its that he'd notoriously hard to shop for. every question would be met with some variation of him already having everything he could want or to not worry about a gift since you were enough but you couldn't possibly let his birthday pass without at least one gift. inside the box lay a small locket, one adorned with small jewels of archaic stone on the outside and upon opening it revealed two pictures on each side. on the left, a photo taken on your very first date together. on the right, a picture of the both of you surrounded by his family on the previous Christmas you had gone back to visit them. the locket was small enough that it could fit under his shirt no problem so he could keep a little piece of you and his family with him everywhere he went. Ajax practically leapt across the table to plant kisses all over your face, eyes watering up slightly though he excused it as simply being due to the spiciness of the food. he’s never been a good liar when it comes to you but you pretend to believe him anyways for the sake of his pride.

if you asked Ajax, he'd tell you every birthday was his best. celebrations and praise usually went straight to his head but there was always something more tender about birthdays or international holidays. he'd take anything he could get in terms of affection from you and his family, lord knows he needs it, but he was never greedy. Ajax let you lathe it on at your own pace and relished in the gradual nature of it all. the lead up was always his favourite when it came to violence or work so it only made sense he enjoyed it the same in relationships but you weren't going to oppose the slow moments in an otherwise turbulent life.

as the sun rested on the west horizon, you gently laced your fingers with his to slide off the glove on his own. with practiced movements you played gently with the long appendages. up, down, and around in circles, you knew his hands got no breaks regardless of the task at hand. a gentle peck graced your temple at the comforting actions so you lifted the hand to place a kiss on each knuckle while continuing to smooth over the calloused skin. with languid motions you soon found yourselfs back at the small house you both called 'home' though it felt temporary. Ajax always promised that one day you'd move back to Snezhnaya with him and he'd have a huge mansion built to live out your days in. typically dramatic of him, you'd laugh along aware of the sliver of truth his words held. perhaps not a mansion, that isn't quite your speed, but a real home. somewhere you could both come to and really feel safe. you savoured his silly promises for what they were, promises, regardless of the over-the-top nature. a home with him always sounded nice. he only moved his hand from yours to retrieve the keys from his pocket to open the front door.

once closed and locked, his arms wrapped around your midsection with a hum. you chuckled lightly as you tilted his head towards yours to admire the soft smile adorning his features. 'bright' is how you'd describe him to anyone in this moment. morbid but, should you be confronted with a nearly gone victim of his debt collection and they asked how you could possibly love someone like him, you'd tell them he's bright. with hair like the sun, eyes like the moon, and freckles like the stars, he was your whole universe packed tightly into the body of a young man. his face softens in your presence in a way that it doesn't for anyone else, even his family. you're well aware there's still some tension between him and his parents but he doesn't melt like that even for his younger siblings. he's fondue in your hands and even more so as you tug him back to where the day started; the bedroom. his laugh was almost devilish at the realization of what exactly was about to happen but you only laughed with him. your hands barely left him all day so could this truly come as a surprise? besides, it's his birthday after all. the occasion calls for it!

Ajax was never good at keeping his hands to himself and that always shined brightest when he was desperately tugging your clothes off. fingertips moving underneath your shirt to pull it over your head in one clean movement before quickly falling to unzip your skirt and pull it past your hips. his hands lingered on the plush flesh, giving it generous squeezes and mumbling praise of your softness against your lips. saliva stringed between your mouths as he moved down to suck bruises onto the column of your throat, teeth grazing and biting the way he knew would have you keening. your own hands moved to unbutton his gratuitous amount of jackets and shirts with a slight scoff over just how much he was always wearing; the complications annoyed you but not enough to make you truly upset. you fumbled around with his belt long enough that he undid it himself, pulling it free with a quick flick of his hand and throwing it with a sharp clatter on the floor. 'that hardwood is expensive,' you briefly thought but the way he scooped you up to throw you down in the bed trashed all complaints. the air was knocked out of you but no faster than Ajax was on top of you again and tugging at your undergarments. a pretty blue set with ruffles and lace that complimented the curves of your body and matched the shade of his eyes. leaning down, he smiled while pulling the straps of your bra off with his teeth in true Ajax fashion; always a show-off. his boney fingers played with the hem of your panties as you shoved his pants and boxers down to expose the most vulnerable parts of his body which also happened to be the parts you were most eager to see and touch.

"so impatient today, aren't we?" he whispered teasingly though he was just as desperate as you. you hummed softly in agreement, pulling his head back up to you as to bite on his lower lip and slide your tongue into his mouth. Ajax accepted it with a slight groan but made sure to nip your tongue with sharp canines as you pulled back panting. he has always liked to hear you whine and you were never one to deny him such simple pleasures. once parted he took to fully ridding you of the pesky undergarments and throwing them in the general direction as his belt had been before he grabbed the back of your knees and folded you till they touched your ears. you had originally intended on spoiling him tonight but it seemed he was more inclined to be the one taking rather than receiving and you had no qualms with that. he spit sharply into his hand, letting the saliva coat his cock just enough so that the burn would be easier. Ajax has a pretty dick to put it lightly. pale with a ruddy tip, a slight upwards curve, and tight balls though his pelvis was unshaven. the head was always quick to start leaking and that was one of your favourite things for when you got to suck it all away but your thought were soon put to rest as he eased him self inside with a strained groan and a muttered curse. it was always a slight struggle to get him in at first considering his length but once you got used to it the curvature of his dick had you seeing stars. his forehead rested on yours as you panted in time with one another until the pain subsided and he was free to start thrusting eagerly inside of you. in an almost perfect harmony, the pair of you moaned at the first back and forth of his hips. the hair at his base rubbed against your clit just perfectly and you couldn’t help but dig your nails into his well built biceps.

“‘jax… so fuckin’ good to me…” your words were slurred from the incessant thrusts he delivered to the depths of your cervix but he got the point. his lips travelled across your face, neck, and chest to ensure a stream of bruises would be left visible for days to come. with your legs still pushed back, Ajax managed to weasel his unoccupied hand between you both to rub and pinch rapidly at your slightly neglected clit, reviling in the desperate whimpers you gave out. it wasn’t long till his movements turned sloppy and the hand on your soaked cunt moved more desperate; he was close but never one to finish before you. he tilted his hips to press higher and directly hit just where you wanted over and over until you cried and came undone just for him. the right squeezes of your insides had him spilling not long after, head falling with a groan onto your chest and hips stuttering till they stilled. you were the first to come to, threading fingers through his hair and telling him just how good he always is to you. he grabbed the hand off his head and placed kisses to your knuckles much like you did to his earlier in the day and nuzzled his nose to your palm.

“shower time?” he questioned, voice still low as if he could possibly startle you.

“shower time,” you agreed, “happy birthday, handsome. i love you so much, Ajax.” so he kissed you again. and again. and again and again and again until you feared your lips would go numb but with his love warming you, it would never be possible.

[waltz-malice]

Close Your Eyes.

a galladay / stellaron hunter sunday oneshot!

link to the ao3 version. . . .

Sunday had admittedly been through quite a lot as of late, so perhaps it was no wonder he’d been having less than savory dreams. He’d wake in the morning or sometimes far before dawn, and he’d be crying uncontrollably, tears blurring his vision to the point of pain. He would have to sit up, grab a pre-prepared box of tissues, and dab at his eyes as he tried to calm himself down. The feeling of immense grief and longing lingered, but he could never pinpoint where it came from.

He couldn’t even remember his dreams, much less why they made him feel the way he did. Bitterness, sadness, and regret were all common themes, as if he’d lost something important to him, but what? Or even who?

Sunday couldn’t waste too much time worrying over things that he didn’t have an answer to, however, and as he wiped away the most recent of his fallen tears, he got dressed and made himself look as presentable as possible; even when aligning himself with the Stellaron Hunters, he had an image to keep, after all.

The deck of the skiff was quiet as Sunday stepped out of his quarters, eyes surveying the area to find only Kafka awake at this hour. Silver Wolf was likely passed out or gaming, Blade was an enigma himself, and Firefly was still recovering from overexertion during Penacony. He felt his heart twist with self-loathing at the words they’d exchanged while he was in his… weaker moments, but at least she was polite enough to co-exist with him now.

As Sunday approached the control board where Kafka was idly watching over their course amongst the stars, he didn’t even have to see her lift her head to know she was aware of his presence. With her ever-amused hum, Kafka finally flicked her gaze to Sunday and gave a coy little wave.

“Hey, sleepy head. Up and at ‘em early today, huh?” Kafka questioned with a slight tease to her tone, and Sunday knew she was perfectly aware of how she often ruffled his feathers, so to speak. Still, he didn’t make a jab back; he’d become far too used to masking his irritation as the former Oak Family Head, and the skill came in handy here, too.

With a passive facial expression and a soft sigh as he sat down in the open seat beside the captain’s chair Kafka was perched on, Sunday crossed his legs and met her eyes, clearly unimpressed. “Good morning, Kafka. I suppose it is early, isn’t it?”

Sunday makes sure not to crack, even as Kafka studies him with that unnerving gaze of hers, like she’s read his mind and has studied every bit of him like the back of her hand. His lips, however, purse into a deep frown with her next words.

“You’ve been having those dreams again, haven’t you?” Kafka says it more as a statement than a question, and the way her tone seems almost sympathetic makes Sunday want to vomit. “It’s written all over your face, hon. Especially those puffy red eyes.”

It takes everything in Sunday not to bristle and snap at Kafka then and there, reproached by the idea of being called out so blatantly by the woman – but he holds back, and with a sharp inhale through his nose, he sighs out his frustrations. Perhaps he can let his facade slip, if only slightly, for every lie is rooted in truth, isn’t it?

“...Yes, they’ve been rather persistent, unfortunately,” Sunday concedes, clicking his tongue indignantly as he averts his eyes to the window, even though he knows he can hardly hide from Kafka’s watchful surveillance. “It’s peculiar, really. I don’t even know what could make me react so strongly.”

He can feel Kafka’s weighted gaze on him as she appears to consider his dilemma, and after a few beats of silence, she pipes up once again with an offer he hadn’t even begun to consider. “Perhaps it’s some sort of subconscious blocking of your memories? I could use my spirit whisper and see if I can wrangle a little bit out, I managed to do it once for Bladie.”

“Excuse me?” Sunday can’t help the way he perks up at Kafka’s suggestion, and he quickly schools his expression into one of doubt. Still, he can’t deny the hope that surged forth at her offer, and he wonders just how much merit it had to it. He was beyond curious about what exactly had been plaguing his subconscious, and he at least wanted to resolve it so he could move on with his duties.

Sunday considers it for a moment longer, before hesitantly, he nods his head and turns his body to face Kafka in the seat, his expression wary. “Very well, I suppose there’s nothing to lose in trying. Try anything funny, though, and I assure you I will–”

“Sure, sure, I know the drill. Just sit back and try not to freak yourself out, birdie,” Kafka waved off Sunday’s threat with a nonchalant laugh, and she turned to face him as well. He couldn’t help but notice she was making an effort to be oddly… comforting, and he didn’t know whether he despised it or somewhat appreciated it.

He didn’t get much of a chance to decide which, however, because Kafka’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, and she purred out the trigger word. “Listen: Sunday, you’ll let yourself remember whoever or whatever you’ve forgotten. You’ll remember and you’ll process whatever you’ve been hiding from, and you’ll do it without self destructing… starting now.”

The whole charade was a bit too glorified for his liking, if Sunday was honest. He raised an eyebrow as he waited for something to magically happen, and despite the sinking feeling in his stomach, he remained skeptical. After a moment, he shook his head and opened his mouth to report his nonexistent findings when he felt his eyes begin to… water?

He was crying. Why was he crying? Why was he–

Sunday remembered when he first met Gallagher at a gathering between the families, and it was as if the man had been there his entire life. He slipped in and took his place at the table, and nobody batted an eye. He was perfectly inconspicuous, even to Sunday. And yet, something felt off when he’d locked gazes with Gallagher, a nagging feeling at the back of his mind that this man was out of place. A puzzle piece shoved into the wrong place and forced to fit into the grand picture.

Sunday bided his time until after the meeting had ended, keeping a hawk-like eye on Gallagher the entire time as he approached the taller man, wary, but not intimidated. The Oak heir had long since found that the tallest men can fall with the sweet music of order.

“Gallagher of the Bloodhound family, yes?” Sunday greeted smoothly, putting on a faux smile of warmth as he bowed his head ever so slightly, another empty show of respect. Another thing he’d learned is that you must kiss the asses of these buffoons to earn their trust, and so he would do just that. “My name is Sunday Oak, as I’m sure you're already aware. I’m afraid we haven't had the pleasure of meeting personally yet, though. May we get to know each other a bit, perhaps over dinner?”

Again, kiss their ass and repeat until you have what you want; Sunday may be a devout believer, but he knows the inner orchestrations of life well. What he doesn't expect, however, is for the gruff looking individual to crack an almost wolfish grin and wink at him, of all things!

“Gallagher in the flesh and at your service! It’s an honor to finally meetcha, and you know…” Gallagher pauses, a teasing hint in his tone and his eyes sparkling with mirth. “I’d say it sounds like you’re asking me on a date right now, Mister Oak. Don’t get me mixed up, I’m definitely open to it, just surprised I’ve charmed the pants off of the Family Representative so fast!”

If Sunday was a man with less self control and less patience, he may have bristled and flushed a furious red right then and there; instead of rightfully telling Gallagher off, though, the Halovian just smiles thinly and plays along. He wasn’t exactly one to seduce men for his own benefit, but at least Gallagher was nice to look at all the same.

“I wouldn’t say my pants are charmed off just yet, Mister Gallagher,” Sunday quips back with an easy smile, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes as he begins to lead Gallagher out of the meeting hall and to the foyer. “But perhaps I am inviting you to a date, and it seems you’re willing, too. Now, why don’t I have the culinary staff prepare us a nice meal…”

Sunday could tell this would be a long evening already, but he fully planned on getting to the bottom of this admittedly charming man known as ‘Gallagher,’ no matter what.

/ / /

Well, that had escalated far quicker than Sunday had anticipated.

One second, he was begrudgingly enjoying the banter between himself and Gallagher, exchanging jabs and playful snide remarks; in the next moment, Sunday was eagerly pressing himself against Gallagher’s body, pulling the taller man’s hair down so that their lips met in a messy kiss. Sunday was nothing if not coordinated, but he felt almost… desperate to have this enigma closer to him, to feel the heat of this potential threat. What a fool he was.

Tongues and limbs intertwined, the two men barely managed to make it to Sunday’s bed chambers before they were ripping each other’s clothes off, and in a whirlwind of passion and lewd noises, hours passed before they were through with each other. Desire satiated, at least for the moment, Sunday laid in Gallagher’s arms, his head resting on the wolfish man’s chest as he caught his breath, and his nose wrinkled as he smelled the smoke from the other’s cigar.

“Must you rot your lungs in my bed? If you get ash in my sheets, Gallagher…” Sunday’s tone was warning and rather harsh, especially for his usual persona he attempted to portray, but Gallagher hardly seemed to mind. In fact, he just chuckled heartily, the sound sending vibrations through his chest that made Sunday’s traitorous heart flutter in his chest.

“Relax, relax, pretty bird, I won’t make too much of a mess,” Gallagher soothed halfheartedly, though as he paused, a devilish smirk tugged at his lips. “Well, not more of a mess than I’ve already made, of course.”

Sunday felt his face heat up at that, and he scoffed in exasperation, rolling over onto his other side and facing away from Gallagher, almost pouting. He wasn’t one to sulk, he had a reputation to upkeep after all, but something about this man made him feel more vulnerable than he had in a very long time. “You’re far too vulgar for your own good, hound dog.”

“Pfft– Hound dog? I like these animal pet names we’re coming up with, it gives me a chance to get creative,” Gallagher snickered a bit, but he conceded all the same in putting out his cigar and scooting closer to Sunday, putting an arm around the other man and pulling him back against his chest. “Come on, don’t put me in the dog house, Sunday! Geeze, you’re really too cute, you know that?”

Cute? Sunday was far from cute, and yet that comment made his heart skip a beat all the same. Xipe above, what was this Bloodhound doing to him?

/ / /

Sunday was all but seething as he leaned over Gallagher’s desk, his lips pulled back in a sneer as he glared daggers at the smug bastard’s face. He’d barely been able to keep proper track of Gallagher’s dealings that entire month, and the more he looked into it, the stranger the apparent Bloodhound’s employment became. Who the hell was this man?

“You’ve been sneaking around like an alley stray, you know that, yes? You’re hardly as subtle as you seem to think you are!” Sunday hissed in a dangerously low tone, making it clear he wasn’t about to sit down and take these mysteries that Gallagher kept feeding him. It was almost like a betrayal, to invest so much time into this mystery of a man and get so little in return.

Still, Gallagher hardly seemed to be taking this seriously; he even laughed as he leaned back in his chair, a crooked grin on his face as he scanned over Sunday’s fuming face. “Aww, don’t be like that. I’m sure you’ve got secrets of your own, don’t you, pretty bird?”

“Don’t call me that!” Sunday shot back, bristling at the sickly sweet tone Gallagher used, one that had once assuaged him, but one that now made his skin crawl. He hated feeling out of control, this weak, and he was determined to eliminate the source. “I may have my secrets, but they’re for the benefit of others, Mister Gallagher. And I hardly find it convincing that you have any secrets that aren’t only for your own gain!”

A beat of silence follows after that, a tension hanging thick in the air as Gallagher’s smile slowly faded, and he stared Sunday down. The Halovian nearly felt unnerved, but he held his ground, and he watched in outrage as a bitter smirk twisted on the Bloodhound’s lips.

“I won’t deny you there, Mister Oak. I’m a selfish man, and I’m afraid I gave you the wrong impression that you could change that,” Gallagher’s voice was flat, lacking in the usual warmth it held, and Sunday felt a chill run down his spine at the near-deadly glint in the man’s eyes. “Now, why don’t you run along and play with your toys, Mister Oak? I have a job to do, as you have so politely reminded me of.”

Gallagher waved Sunday away then, making it clear the conversation was over. Sunday almost had the impulse to continue chewing the other man out, but he felt… heavy. He decided he would leave with the little dignity he had left, if Gallagher decided it was as he saw fit.

Spinning around on his heel, Sunday stalked off, keeping a mask of fury still on his face, but he felt a brew of conflicting emotions inside. Why did he feel so hurt? Why did he feel used? He was not one of the weak, he was not one of the ones to feel shepherded — so why?

Why did he already miss Gallagher?

/ / /

Sunday had thought he was dead for certain. When Gallagher had practically cornered him in his office, he could practically taste the bitter bile of death in the air. Is this what Robin had felt when Gallagher had taken her life? In a way, the Halovian man felt he was responsible; maybe if he’d exposed this wretched hound sooner, this wouldn’t have all fallen apart.

Then, when Unto Death’s coil struck, Sunday found himself… breathing. Alive. With his sister, Robin.

Sunday didn’t know what to make of it. Even if Gallagher’s intentions were apparently good-natured, even if the Bloodhound had revealed it all in the name of the Trailblazer’s cause… Sunday could not feel content. No, he couldn’t be satisfied knowing he was not only lied to, but used in the grand scheme of this man’s plans, no matter how just.

But it was fine. Sunday would have his time to dish out punishment soon enough; he had his own turn to enact a betrayal, after all. It seemed Gallagher was aware of Sunday’s plans as well, somehow that damn devil had seen through him yet again. But he said nothing, neither of them did. Gallagher just gave him one last forlorn look, as if Sunday was the one in the wrong!

He only hoped, as he turned his back to Gallagher one final time, that this loyal old mutt would be able to witness the dream Sunday had so carefully crafted before vanishing. For he knew that if his deductions were correct, Gallagher had revealed his secrets, and thus, he would meet his own end in due time.

Sunday didn’t need to acknowledge how that very thought made his stomach sick. He only needed to keep his eyes ahead, and he would bring order to this chaotic dreamscape once and for all.

/ / /

Sunday couldn’t stop the tears from falling, from clouding his vision and twisting his heart into painful knots. It had all been for nothing. He had been so sure what he was doing was right, and in the end, he’d had a hand in Gallagher’s death all the same. Maybe if he had realized Gopher Wood was a false prophet sooner, maybe if he wasn’t part of the very same antagonists the Trailblazers had to defeat–

He hadn’t even realized he’d been struggling to breathe until Kafka had reached out to put a steadying grip on Sunday’s shoulder, her voice soothing and almost maternal as she guided him through a few breathing exercises. “In and out, slowly birdie, slowly…”

It took a few minutes before Sunday could think clearly again, his throat hoarse and his eyes stinging from the realization of what had been the source of his grief all along. Gallagher, oh Aeons, how had he forgotten you?

Sunday didn’t need to look at Kafka to know her expression was sympathetic, and he just shook his head, gripping his knees as he made sure not to spike into another lapse of sobs once again. He finally brought his gaze up to look at her, and she just nodded understandingly, patting his shoulder one last time before standing up and leaving him at the control panel without another word.

It was amazing just how far a human’s trust could go. It was a shame he couldn’t show the same trust to Gallagher when he had the chance. He’d been so keen on placing faith in no one but himself, and look where it got him…

Sunday was such a fool. Such a goddamn fool.

With a shaking sigh, he pulled himself into a standing position, intending to wash his face at the least before the other Stellaron Hunters woke up, as well as process the past he’d just realized, when the clatter of metal hitting the ground caught his attention. Blinking, Sunday’s eyes drifted down to see a simple silver lighter, and he picked it up with careful hands, inspecting the familiar item with a small smile.

“Ever the loyal dog, aren’t you, hound?”

Sunday wouldn’t forget Gallagher, not this time, not ever again.

[a-pretty-nerd]

THE MEDIUM AND THE DETECTIVE

On another episode of: "STFU, I don't care that the Fandom's DEAD! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!"

A Deathe Note L x Reader x Matsuda Angst Fic!

Summary: You're a suspect for predicting the Kira case, but can you predict this dick-

Warnings: SAD. Gender neutral, but, there is a preggers trope. You see dead people in this one. Happy ending!!!

The first encounter with L was traumatic to say the least. Being a suspect in the Kira case, L was thorough. When your best selling thriller novel eerily predicts the Kira murders, you're naturally his first suspect in the case. But as his investigation continues he unfolds an even more unsettling truth.

A series of prophetic dreams drove you to write the suspensious book. And the dreams you are currently having continue to predict the murders before they happen. But because you're under 24hr surveillance, L comes to the conclusion that you are not Kira. But your spars visions of the future have been genuinely helpful and fascinating. So L keeps you around.

A curious friendship grows, and a budding romance between the two blossoms. You and L settle into a secret affair throughout the Kira Investigation as your dreams becomes more vivid and frightening. Your dreams often predict major events, even L's death, but certain pieces are missing. Like Kira has something protecting him from being seen.. As the murders continue, you become haunted by Kira's victims as they seek revenge for their deaths.

Matsuda has often acted as a friend. The golden retriever you can count on. The one that always greets you with a smile and gets you a cup of coffee. L would watch the two of you be friendly and even he could not deny the two of you had chemistry. He thinks someone like Matsuda would be good for someone like you. He'd certainly take care of you. You'd probably be better off- but.... L is selfish and jealous inside.

L wants you all to himself. He delights in having moments alone with you, though they are few and far in-between. Hell, Watari is the only living soul who knows about the two of you. So intimacy is truly rare, but that often makes it that much more passionate when you do get the chance. Depending on his mood and how tired her is, L can range from a dedicated lover to a frenzied lover. Pattern recognition is an important skill he's very experienced with.

Time passes and your situation changes. You become more of a paranormal consultant on the Kira case. Which, often comes in handy for L when he's trying piece things together. Your outside insight is be very helpful to him. But unfortunately for you, the longer the case continues, the worse your experiences get. Your nightmares become full on night terrors that you become stuck in. Matsuda has had to shake you from a few.

L sees the change in you before you do. He notices a change in smell first. You don't smell the same. Not bad. Just different. Then he notices how your appetite has changed. He sees the nausea in your face before you can even voice a complaint. L suggests a stomach bug first, keeping his suspicions to himself. So he has you see a doctor. A doctor who promptly informs you that you are....well...you know...in the family way.

When you return with glazed over and fatigued eyes, L's theory is confirmed. He looks at it very objectivly at first. He prepares for every possibility before he even starts the conversation. Regardless of your options, he makes preparations for each. He waits patiently for you to tell him on your own time, when you're comfortable. He doesn't take you trying to hide it as an insult, more than anything he feels himself becoming more and more nervous that you haven't told him. He comforts himself with the idea that you probably just haven't figured out what to do yet, so you're waiting to talk to him before you make a decision.

You tell him when you're alone. L doesn't move a muscle. He freezes. He expected this but the longer you waited the more he had to grapple with the idea of becoming a parent. Which is something L never expected himself to be dealing with. Especially not smack-dab in the middle of the most dangerous and intense cases of his life. So, he kind of panics. The conversation is deadpan as expected. For the most part he's honest about his feelings towards it. He honestly doesn't think keeping it isn't good idea, but he's well aware that isn't his choice. His voice is sweet when he says, "no matter what happens, I will ensure you are taken care of. No one will hurt you."

It isn't until he sees the first ultrasound that he kind of changes his tune. He stares at the picture, fascinated by it. When you ask about it, he says, "Watching something grow from nothing is indescribable." A very L answer. As much as he wants you to remain by his side. As much as he wants you, he knows it's only a matter of time. He knows that the longer you remain at headquarters, the higher the risk. If Light hasn't already put the pieces together, he knows he soon will. And as much as the evidence has proven his "innocence" he doesn't trust Light with a damn thing.

To rub salt in the wound, the longer you stay by his side, the worse your paranormal experiences become. You've been unable to sleep, you can't handle being alone or in the dark for very long. The ghosts of Kira's victims whisper in your ears and claw at your clothes. The more violent ones scream and shout whenever they get the chance. It's taking a toll on you. Everyone fears for your well-being. Matsuda and L especially. So when L finally sends you away, you understand. You're not happy about it in the least. But L is prepared to use force if he has to. He will not be letting you die. You're already at the end of your rope and if something were to happen to you, he'd never be able to forgive himself.

So you're sent back to your family with a large sum in your bank account. Child support in advance, if you will. The ghosts leave you be, and the nightmares ease up. The ones you do have are of L. And it's the same dream. Everytime it's his death. You did everything you could to prevent it and still your dreams are relentless. You've told L his fate before and he always regarded it with the same interest as every other dream, like it was nothing special. You would try to contact L but he made sure you would have no way to reach him.

The only person who is allowed to contact you besides himself, which he doesn't anyways, is Matsuda or Watari. Watari calls on occasion pretending to be your doctor. He asks questions about your condition, your medical records, your paranormal experiences. You assume he's doing this to keep L up to date on your current status. When you ask why L does not call himself, Watari tells you that he's busy, but he sends his regards.

Matsuda calls every couple of days. He's only allowed to call when he's alone and he's not allowed to share information on the Kira case for obvious reasons. But he's more interested in how you're doing anyways. He asks you about what you've been up to, how you and your family are doing. If you have any plans for a new novel. He's been a fan of your work since before the investigation began. He's a breath of fresh air. You look forward to his calls.

Suddenly the calls stop for a while. There's a deep pit in your stomach one morning as you look outside your bedroom window. There's a faint sound of ringing that you can't shake. So you go on with your day, trying to regain your sense of normalcy. Failing miserably when sometime in the afternoon you feel a great loss. That night as you lay in bed, pretending to sleep in hopes that dreams will creep in anyways, you feel a presence.

A familiar figure stands at the foot of your bed, watching. You know who it is right away. You can practically see him even with your eyes closed. The scent of coffee, vanilla, and paper follows him as quiet footsteps come to the other side of your bed. You're afraid that if you move or open your eyes he'll disappear. So you lay there as the blankets are pulled up and he crawls into bed with you. Laying down behind you and wrapping his cold arms around to spoon you. You lay there in his ghostly embrace for a long while, just trying to memorize the feeling in hopes that it will never leave you. He leans in, cold lips pressed against your ear as he whispers. "I was right." And then he's gone.

Matsuda calls a few days later, crying. When he finally gets the words out to tell you what's happened, he's met with a cold: "I know. Thank you, Matsuda." He finds himself being comforted by you. He knew that you and L were close. He knew you were friends. But he had no idea the relationship you had, nor the evidence that has reached a healthy 6 months. He implores you to attend L's funeral but, you can't do that. Emotionally and physically it's out of the question. Light is Kira. You know that. You've always known deep down, deep in your heart and so did L. After all, he was right.

Misa tries to contact you, you pick up the phone only to hear her voice. You hang up and change your number. Light tries to contact you, claiming its in regards to L and the Kira case. He wants to bring you back. You almost throw up right then and there. Instead, you hung up the call, close the phone, and smash it with a hammer. Matsuda is the only number you remember and the only person you trust. You don't trust him to know that Light is Kira. But you trust him to be good and kind. You trust him to visit you.

You pick him up at the airport when he comes out to visit you. You look so different he doesn't notice you. He passes right by you before you call out his name. You're visibly pregnant at this point, roughly 8 months. Your hair is longer and full. Your skin is glowing, your eyes are vibrant when they peak out from behind your sunglasses. You look nothing like the sickly, haunted spectator he knew you as. When he sees your belly, he just stares. He's speechless.

He's far too stunned for form a real sentence for about an hour as you drive him to his hotel. You laugh at him as he stares.

"It's good to see you too, Matsu." You joke with a smile. He goes red in the face.

"Uh- You look- You look great!" He croaks.

"Thanks."

"You're...um...are you-"

"Glowing? I am. Thank you for noticing." You tease him. It's good to have a friend close by again. He's not allowed to know where you're staying with your family, just to be safe. If Light were to ever decide to torture or kill Matsuda for information, you have to be sure. It's a risk even letting him see you like this. But you never win without taking a risk.

"So then you're...married?" He asks, a bit disappointed. You turn to him, your expression confused.

"What?? No. Do you see a ring on my finger?"

"Well no...I just...you're...uh-" You can see the gears turning in his head. Like he has all the pieces he just doesn't want to put them together. "How far along?"

"8 months? Give or take." You answer honestly. The pieces have been put together regardless. The puzzle is nearly complete, much to Matsuda's horror. It's L's. He knows it. There's no other option. Chief Yagami and Aizawa are out of the question. You've always hated Light from the moment you met. L...you were so close with L.

"Why didn't I see it before..." He mumbles to himself.

"You weren't supposed to. No one was supposed to know. No one is supposed to know." You tell him firmly. "This stays between you and me, Matsuda. I'm telling you this as my friend. In confidence that no one else on that task force will know about this. If no one else knows that L is dead, no one will know about this, understood?" Matsude nods in agreement as he pouts. He tries to apologize. He's overly emotional about the whole thing. Extraordinarily sympathetic to your situation, as he always is.

He's deeply worried about you and the baby. He's worried about you doing everything alone. You try to reassure him you have a family for support and a bank account that looks like a social security number thanks to L's estate. But still, Matsuda feels like he could be doing something to help you. You're his crush friend! He can't let you do all that alone. He knows L left you with everything you might need to be a single parent but...still...

"Marry me!" He blurts out one night.

"WHAT!?" You bark.

"Marry me! We'll be a family, you'll never have to worry about a thing. Let me take care of you!" He begs. You pause for a moment, it's as if you can hear L's voice in your ear. 'Matsuda's acting stupid again.'

"No! I'm not marrying you! Are you insane!? What good would that do me anyways? I'm taken care of as it is, I don't need you." Matsuda pouts but ultimately understands. He was out of pocket just asking you like that. He let his emotions get the better of then again. But he can't help it. He sees you alone like that and he just wants to take care of you. He wants to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. To comfort and love you.

He's at the airport when you call him. You've gone into labor. He's there for you before your own family is. The man booked it through the hospital looking for you. He's incredibly nervous seeing you in so much pain, but he's determined to support you. You're not sure why you called him. Why you wanted him there. It's not even his kid but...still...It probably has something to do with the long nights you spent waking up from night terrors. His arms around you, rubbing your back as you sob in terror. He makes you feel safe.

Matsuda is holding your hand when L's daughter is born around 3am on October 31st. Matsuda cuts the cord and he holds her first. He sits beside you in a chair as you rest and recover. He knows the baby isn't his but when he looks down at her, he feels his heart swell with pride and wonder. A part of him feels guilty for being there. L should be sitting where he is, holding his own child and being there to hold your hand. Tears fall from his eyes and onto the bundle beneath him.

As time passes, Matsuda keeps your whereabouts and your little family a secret. He visits, as often as he can. He lies to Light and the others about where he's going. And because it's Matsuda, the loveable idiot, Light doesn't suspect or even entertain the idea that he's lying to him. He watches as the child grows into a remarkable combination of you and L. She has his pirecing eyes that greet him when he walks into the front door of your home.

The little girl adores Matsuda. He's sweet and silly. He brings her toys and treats. She likes to sit on his shoulders and play with his hair. All things considered, he makes a good father.

Things are winding down to a disturbing close in the Kira case. The day before everything goes down, you have another dream. L is standing over his daughter's bed, watching her carefully. He turns to look at you. "I love you, very much. I'm sorry I've never said it before. You've done well with her and everything. But the case will soon be closed." In this dream he approaches you and holds you close in his arms again. "Goodbye."

You wake up to the sound of your daughter screaming a crying for you. You rush to her aid. The next few days pass with a defeaning silence. Matsuda doesn't call, which by now is irregular considering he calls almost once a day now. But by the end of that week, something lifts. Like sun has finally peaked through the clouds. A weight is lifted from your shoulders a you feel lighter than you have in years. You feel like you can breath.

Matsuda shows up unannounced in the dead of night. He looks exhausted, heavy bags under his eyes. His cheerful and bright nature stripped away from him. He shuffles into your home and starts to sob. You hold him close as he describes the horror he's been through. What Light did- What Matsuda did to him. This time, it's your turn to comfort him. He stays the night. Sleeping in your bed with you as you remind him he's safe and warm with you.

In the morning he feels better. Still depressed but, his smile returns when your daughter sees him sitting at the breakfast table.

"Are you having breakfast with us, Mat?" She asks as her little fists rub the sleep from her eyes.

"Is that okay with you?" He asks her. She shrugs and climbs up the chair to sit in front of him.

"I don't care. You could have every meal with us." She says as he eyes focus over the small plate of child-sized pancakes. Matsuda watches her with a loving gaze. If only he could. If only...

"You stay, if you wanted to." You say softly as you place a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You could stay."

[half-dead-writer]

Inspired by those two fics, go read them first! -> Oh oh sexy vampire (NSFW) -> My roommate is a vampire! Kudos if you got the title reference

Indoor Boyfriend

Matthew wanted to repay you for all the dinners you gave him with an attempt of his own.

character: Vampire AU Matthew Patel (Scott Pilgrim Takes Off) words: 1,1k reader: gender neutral warnings: none

𝔯𝔲𝔩𝔢𝔰 + 𝔪𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱 / 𝔖𝔠𝔬𝔱𝔱 𝔓𝔦𝔩𝔤𝔯𝔦𝔪 𝔗𝔞𝔨𝔢𝔰 𝔒𝔣𝔣 𝔪𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱

Few weeks went by ever since you (kind of unwillingly) adopted a stay-at-home vampire. Even if the deal didn't really favor you, you got used to this way of living. It wasn't that bad, though. Now, instead of one creature that depended on and loved you, you had two! And he could hold a conversation with you, unlike your pet.

You felt relief after finally arriving at your doorstep. Today has been busy as hell, and you couldn't wait to just melt on your couch and do nothing for the rest of the day. You could even say, you were looking forward to lazily cuddle with Matthew. Most days his attachment to you felt overbearing, especially when you wanted to be left alone. It took you some time to get used to living with someone, but on the rare occasions you craved affection, it came in pretty handy.

Coming inside, you expected to find your roommate (boyfriend? you didn't really have a discussion about what you two were yet) sleeping upside down on your bed, per usual. He would wake up just as you walked through the doors to your bedroom, getting all giddy from seeing you again. Depending on your mood, it was one of the highlights of your day - you appreciated someone caring enough to be happy about your arrival, aside from your pet. With that thought, you walked thru the hall, not expecting any changes in your routine.

It didn't take long for you to smell the nice aroma lingering around the house, lightly tickling your nostrils. It was- uncanny, to say the least. You quickly investigated the source of the smell, leading straight to your kitchen. There, you saw your counter full of dirty bowls, cooking supplies, lots of spices laying around, and your vampire standing in the middle of it all. Astonishment overtook your face. The sound of your footsteps alerted him, turning on his heel he faced your way.

"You're back!" He beamed, holding the wooden spoon in his grip. He quickly put it back it into the pot, intending to run up to you and greet you properly with a joyous embrace.

"You're gonna clean that up, right?" You were quick to ask the most important question, making him stop in his tracks.

"I-" He got taken aback, clearly expecting a different reaction from you, "I made you dinner, and that's the first thing you say to me after coming home? Not even a hello?" The bangs covered half of his pout as he crossed his arms in dismay. You realized you came off way too harsh, too occupied with the mess to acknowledge his efforts.

"Right- sorry," you resumed to your regular tone instead. His expression softened, returning to his usual self. You approached the man with curiosity, smelling the unfamiliar scent of spicy food in your house. "What's this?"

"Well- as I already said, I tried to make something for you," he suddenly turned a bit coy after seeing your cocked eyebrow, "I don't really know if it came out right, human food doesn't really taste good to me, but I carefully followed the recipe I found on the internet, so..." His explanation made you smile, you felt nice knowing he prepared it specifically for you, even if he knew jackshit about your diet. You looked inside the pot as he continued, "It's called uh, tikka masala? I just thought it looked good." He judged your stare, hoping it would be something up to your liking.

You fished out the wooden spoon, grabbing a piece of sauce covered chicken with it. It didn't look inedible, on the contrary, it smelled really good. You were quite surprised he managed to not burn it, assuming it was his first time cooking anything. You guessed he had a lot of time to spare and made sure he did it correctly. He watched intently over your shoulder as the chicken disappeared from the spoon and into your mouth.

First thing you felt was... Hot. Hot, spicy, burning nightmare. You felt the tears gather in the corner of your eyes, quickly dropping the spoon back where it was, running up to your fridge to get some milk. He just stood there, wide eyed at your intense reaction. "Man, it's spicy as fuck," you wiped the droplets of milk stuck to the corner of your lips, "did you throw the whole packet of chilli into it?"

He grinned bashfully, rubbing his arm, "I... May have overdone it a little. I tried it myself, and couldn't taste it at all, so I poured more until I finally felt it sting. Which- thinking about it now, might have been because vampires aren't meant to feel much flavor." You didn't comment, choosing to point out his stupidity with a simple, disappointed sigh. "B-But I made everything else correctly, right?" Slight hope reflected in his eyes, even if the odds were against him. After you calmed down from the sudden assault of your tastebuds, you took a moment to actually process what you ate. Aside from the overwhelming spiciness, the dish was actually quite tasty. He waited with bated breath for your review.

"Mm... Yeah, skipping the fuckton of chilli, it was pretty good." A big, proud smile formed on his face.

"So- Are you gonna eat it?" He asked, leaving you in an awkward position. You didn't really wanna break his heart (or waste any food) by refusing his gift, just because it destroyed your tongue. You didn't expect to come back home just to feel guilty about your dinner. You sighed, giving up.

"Yeah, I guess I will. Can't wait for that tummy ache," you complained, but still made sure to reward his behavior - he had good intentions. A soft peck on his cheek made him flash you his sharp, pointy teeth in delight.

Even though the dinner physically hurt you, after some time you just ignored the the numbness in your mouth. Overall, it was a 6/10 experience. Matthew watched you as if your reaction would differ with each bite, which you thought was adorably stupid. Done with this painful experience, you finally got to do what you planned from the beginning - that is, absolutely nothing. You lazily laid yourself on the couch, turning on the tv. Matthew was quick to get all over you, placing himself on your chest like a disrespectful cat. You didn't mind it this time, granting him your affection by playing with his hair. He absolutely melted under your touch.

Maybe getting yourself a vampire wasn't such a bad idea after all?

[mortalpolykule]

Lay All Your Love On Me

Chapter 4: All Mine

Bi Han x Shang Tsung x Liu Kang

Warnings: implied nsfw

“You’re asking us to just sit here and do nothing?” Bi Han questioned, raging with disbelief.

“I am asking you to have faith, Bi Han,” Geras calmly replied.

“But, aren’t you concerned about Liu Kang?” Kuai Liang asked, much more calm than Bi Han.

“I am, as any friend should be,” Geras nodded. “However, I believe that Empress Sindel is a just and rational ruler. Once Liu Kang reveals General Shao and Shang Tsung’s plans, she will see that she has been manipulated.” The answer seemed to de-escalate the conversation, but the brothers were still antsy. Tomas toyed with his karambit in deep thought while Bi Han paced.

The four were surprised by an enormous, fiery gate exploding from the side of the room, seemingly out of nowhere. Tomas lept from the bench he was perched on and joined his brothers in a fighting stance. It had to be Liu Kang’s portal, but at this point they were prepared for the worst. Geras stood by them with his hands politely clasped behind his back, his expression relaxed.

To say that Bi Han was relieved to see Liu Kang walk through the portal would be an understatement. He was not prepared, however, to see Empress Sindel, her daughters and an Umgadi priestess step through behind him. Bi Han’s eyes scanned Liu Kang for any injuries and did not find any. He felt whatever tension he had been holding in his body dissolve. It was terrifying how at ease he felt in the God’s—his God’s—presence. Liu Iang caught his gaze and smiled that same warm smile he had when they last spoke. If there was any resentment from their argument, Bi Han could find none. How dare Liu Kang hold so much affection for him? How dare he make his heart pound and his head spin when he approached so casually?

“I apologize for not filling you all in sooner, but time was of the essence,” Liu Kang finally spoke.

“And I must apologize as well,” Sindel piped in. She somehow addressed the room with an air of both authority and humility, with Mileena and Kitana on each side. “I was deceived by those who I thought to be my closest allies. My suspicions of you were unfounded and so was the offense against your realm.”

Bi Han observed her closely. He could find no evidence of deception in her features. The three brothers bowed toward her, showing that there was no ill will between the realms. Liu Kang looked upon them, pleased. His fingers pressed together politely in his usual manner, but now, it seemed as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Rapid footsteps could be heard approaching the room. Raiden and Kung Lao busted through the door, nearly forgetting to bow before the unexpected company.

“Lord Liu Kang! You’ve returned!” Raiden beamed. He promptly broke eye contact, blushing. Liu Kang smiled at him, but Bi Han could tell that something was off. It wasn’t his usual polite smile that he used with his students. The way his eyes softened and his eyebrows creased ever so slightly with affection made Bi Han’s skin crawl.

“As much as I’d like to exchange pleasantries,” Mileena spoke up, “There are urgent matters to attend to.”

Shang Tsung listened intently from the other side of the cracked door. He hadn’t had much opportunity to utilize his shape shifting skills, but now they were proving to be quite handy. Stealing a uniform from the washroom was easy enough. The real challenge was maintaining an appearance so average that no one would look twice as he passed them by. Normally easy in such a large compound, but not when said compound is full of highly observant monks. Shang Tsung couldn’t help but smile at his own cleverness. After hearing most of the important bits of the conversation, he quietly stepped away before the group exited, making their way toward Liu Kang’s war room. He casually made his way down the hallway, pretending that he had duties to attend to. Bi Han briefly looked his way before joining the others.

The moment Shang Tsung exited the building was exhilarating. He fought the urge to laugh triumphantly at his successful infiltration. Instead, he settled for holding his hands behind his back, his head held high and a cheshire grin threatening to split his cheeks. When he finally made his way to his quarters, he slipped in through the back window. Obviously, Liu Kang had guards placed outside the door, ensuring that no midnight shenanigans would occur. However, Shang Tsung had found a way to break the enchantments on the windows. Being ever the night owl, he immediately got to work on some elixirs. This recent excursion had given him some inspiration. He hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep until he woke up with his cheek pressed against the desk. Strangely, the heat on all of his beakers had been turned off. He didn’t remember doing that himself, but he supposed that he was just half asleep and decided to take a break. He lifted himself up only to notice a weight draped across his shoulders and back. It was a blanket. Shang Tsung shot up from his desk in alarm. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and a cold wave of unease made its way up his spine. Someone had been in his quarters while he was unconscious and vulnerable. But instead of killing him, they turned off the beakers and put a blanket over him? Who would do such a thing? No one had ever cared that much for his well being. It had to be some sick joke or psychological tactic. His attention was drawn to a piece of paper on his nightstand. Picking it up, he analyzed the neat handwriting.

“Please be more careful in the future. I would hate for you to set yourself on fire.

-Liu Kang”

Shang Tsung felt a rage broiling in his gut. How dare this arrogant God impose upon him like this? He was already a prisoner, and now he had to deal with people sneaking in on him in the middle of the night. He doubted that he would ever be able to get a good nights sleep from now on. Liu Kang would not get away with this!

The door to Shang Tsung’s quarters slammed open, startling the watchmen outside. The occupant stormed out and began to march down the path. The monks looked on in confusion, before shrugging at each other and returning to their other duties. The sorcerer was known to be unpredictable, after all.

Shang Tsung strutted along the winding path, searching aimlessly for any sign of Liu Kang. He peaked into classrooms, mess halls, meditation chambers, but no trace of him could be found. Much time had passed, and the students began filing out into the courtyard for sparing sessions, a few of them glanced at Shang Tsung as they walked by. His boiling rage had begun to dissipate to a light bubbling. It seemed that he had walked some of the anger off, but he marched on, determined to complete what he set out to do. Finally, he came upon a more isolated courtyard. The entrance was overgrown and partially hidden. If one were not paying attention, they might miss it. Shang Tsung went completely still when he heard hushed voices coming from behind the overgrowth. Two men’s voices. They sounded breathy and relaxed, as if they had just finished laughing at a particularly funny joke. One of them Shang Tsung recognized immediately. It had to be Liu Kang. Slowly, Shang Tsung pulled back the shrubbery and vines, timing his movements with the strong gusts of wind rustling the leaves.

“I’m serious. You must start taking better care of yourself,” Said the unknown voice. Liu Kang sighed.

“I can go without sleep for much longer than a mortal,” He said. “Why should I sleep when others can get much needed rest?”

Shang Tsung was almost through the entrance when he looked up at the courtyard. His jaw dropped at the display in front of him.

“But I’m afraid you’re putting too much on yourself. You don’t have to do everything, you know?”

Liu Kang sat upon the soft grass, leaning against a great, blooming tree. His clothes were still on, but in disarray. His normally open shirt was now falling off of his shoulders. His signature headband was gone and his hair slightly disheveled. However, what was even more shocking to Shang Tsung’s senses was the person with him. The star pupil of the academy, Raiden, lay shirtless with his head in Liu Kang’s lap. His hair was also disheveled and out of its bun, which Shang Tsung only took notice of because Liu Kang was running his fingers through it. A few petals were even floating to the ground. The whole display looked like some sickeningly sweet cliche from one of those romantic drama’s that Johnny Cage (and secretly Kung Lao) raved over. Shang Tsung recoiled causing the foliage around him to rustle unnaturally. In an instant, the lovers’ eyes were on him, their shocked expressions making them look even more suspicious. Shang Tsung decided to make a tactical retreat, not even giving them a chance to explain themselves.

He sprinted through the academy back to his only sanctuary, his lab. Not even the looks of bewildered monks were enough to stop him. When he finally made it inside and slammed the door shut, he let out a sigh of relief. He looked over his supplies, counting how much he had and making a mental note of ingredients he might need to request. Anything to help slow his heart rate down. Soon enough, Shang Tsung began to scold himself. He should have been pleased at having such saucy blackmail material, but he couldn’t help but feel a strange ache in his chest.

‘No Matter. It’s payback for sneaking in on me while I was asleep.’ He thought to himself, pouting. He debated on whether he should inform Bi Han of this new development, but couldn’t think of a good reason to do so other than just to rub it in his face. A devilish grin made its way onto his features. At least Bi Han couldn’t have Liu Kang either. That thought eased the strange feelings, if only a little.

1, 2, 3, 4

A/N: Holy shit! I can’t believe it’s actually done. I struggled with this chapter for months y’all and I’m actually pretty happy with how it came out. More will be coming and hopefully soon now that my hyperfixation is back in full force lol

[aurumacadicus]

Can you share your prime rib recipe? 🙏

I don't really have a recipe! I don't do rubs because I don't personally believe it penetrates the fat cap. Others have different opinions of course but I like to make things easy on myself. I can give you the steps I use for oven-searing tho!

1) Do the cooking math so you know when to start cooking. Depending on your oven/elevation, it's 10-13 minutes per pound of meat. (My oven runs on the warmer side so we count for 11 minutes, but keep a meat thermometer handy.) Don't forget to account for fifteen minutes of oven searing and a half hour of resting time! (Basically: Add 45 minutes to your cooking time to know about when it will be ready to serve.)

2) Pull your roast out a couple hours before you plan to cook it. It cooks more evenly from room temperature. If you're going to give it a rub, pat the roast dry and do the rub while it's still cold. (Again, I just use salt, and I probably should be doing it while the roast is still cold, but I'm usually preparing other things so my roast gets it whenever 👌 I've cooked enough that I get to make that choice tho, I always follow the recipe the first time.)

3) It's time to put the roast in! Adjust your oven racks so that your roast will cook in the middle, then crank that oven up to 500F! While the oven preheats, place your roast bone-side down in an oven safe pot. If it's boneless, put it on a rack. Okay now look into my eyes. This is very important. Open your windows and run your vent fans. Take the batteries out of your smoke detector. You are going to put your roast into that fucking hot oven to sear the outside of it. That fat cap WILL crackle and pop and splatter hot fat all over your oven including coils. There will be smoke. You might think you've done something wrong. No! This is just what happens when fat meets high heat. I wish someone had told me this the first time I almost shat my pants. Despite how terrifying this moment is, you will be oven searing your roast at 500F for fifteen minutes.

4) SEARING IS DONE CRANK THAT BABY DOWN TO 325F. Listen we survived. Take a minute to waft that smoke toward the windows/vents. Breathe. But not too long because now your math comes into play. 10-13 minutes per pound. Set your timers. (Mine will be cooking for 1hr15m.)

5) As you reach the end of your cook time, pull out your meat thermometer. For rare meat, you want it to measure 115F. For medium meat, you want it to measure 120F-130F. If this seems a little low, worry not: The meat will continue to cook as it rests. To rest, remove from the oven and set it on a clean cutting board for carving; use a piece of aluminum foil to tent over the meat and let it rest for 30 minutes. This keeps the heat inside the meat to cook to temp instead of escaping.

6) Once done resting, carve into half inch slices and serve with au jus or horseradish sauce (or both!). I've got horseradish but I usually don't use any, that's for my dad lol.

The sides I'm doing are fresh green beans sauteed with almonds, million dollar potato casserole, and orange jello with mandarin slices in it. :)

[colinmorgan-beautifulsmile]

Colin Morgan has an exclusive brand new in-depth interview with Radio Times

In brand new thriller Dead Shot – which arrived on Sky Cinema and NOW last week – former Merlin star Colin Morgan stars as Irish paramilitary Michael, who is on the verge of retirement when his pregnant wife is brutally murdered by a British army soldier.

Based on an original screenplay by Top Boy creator Ronan Bennett and directed by brothers Tom and Charles Guard, it's a harrowing film that takes place during the height of the Troubles in 1975, following Michael as he embarks on a revenge mission that sends him to the heart of IRA operations in London.

When Morgan first got his hands on the "page-turning" script, he was struck by a number of things, not least the contradictions inherent in his character, and he was especially won over by a certain ambiguity regarding who the audience should be rooting for.

"As a Northern Irish guy, you think I'd be biased to one side, but it's absolutely seeing both sides of this tale and this drama," he tells RadioTimes.com in an exclusive interview. "And so it says quite a lot that I was kind of on both camps, I think that's quite an achievement.

"Contradictions are the main thing I look for," he adds. "You see somebody in a cause that some men were drawn into in the late '60s and early '70s in Northern Ireland, particularly in the border counties. And I'm wondering, if I was born around that time would I have been any different? Might the times have dictated what I needed to do to survive as a man?

"Those are the things that are compelling to me... he wants to be a dad, he wants to survive his future. At the very beginning of the film it feels like he's just about to begin the rest of his life, he's left the cause behind, and it just gets taken away from him in a second."

In preparing for the film, it helped a great deal that Morgan himself grew up in Armagh, the same town that Michael is from. Despite growing up in a different era, the star was very much able to draw on his own personal experiences when it came to getting a handle on the character.

"One thing I said to the Guard brothers before I started was I'm gonna bring everything I bring to the character from my point of view, but also the stuff of just being someone who grew up in Armagh," he says.

"You get that for free, because that's the complication of living in a place like that, even though I grew up in the tail end of things – it is just part of your culture and in your blood. You see all those things growing up, and they're just in my own kind of memory bank. So while I didn't go through the times, I was certainly surrounded by adults who did."

Dead Shot isn't Morgan's first project in recent years to be set against the backdrop of the Troubles. In 2021, he had a key role in Sir Kenneth Branagh's Oscar-winning coming-of-age film Belfast, and the actor has clearly found it an immensely rewarding experience to see audiences drawn in by these stories. 

"Particularly with Belfast, there's something kind of amazing about seeing something that's such a part of you reach the world and resonate with people in a universal way," he says. "When you see your story, or you hear your accent, there's just something about you that connects with that.

"And then when you hear other people the world over do that as well, you can't help but feel a sense of pride that your identity is being recognised."

In addition to the knowledge of the conflict he had accumulated while growing up in Northern Ireland, Morgan did plenty of research into the Troubles to prepare for his role in Belfast. He says this came in handy once again for the new film, but stresses that Dead Shot itself is not necessarily "concerned about trying to educate people about the times in Northern Ireland".

"Not every film that deals with the Northern Irish issue has to go into all those details," he says. "That's what I thought was refreshing about this. But it's important as an actor just to be familiar with those things, whatever period that – it's always worth doing, and I always do it."

One of the most intriguing aspects of the film is the complexity regarding Michael's adversary Tempest, played by Aml Ameen. Although by no means portrayed in a straight-forwardly sympathetic light, the character is not presented as an out-and-out villain either – but rather a vulnerable person who has been thrown into a horrible circumstance by odious bosses. Meanwhile, the fact that Tempest is a Black man living in a time when racism was commonplace undoubtedly adds to this complexity.

"One of the things I said to the directors right from the start was that there was a lot more that bound these two guys than divided them," Morgan says of the relationship between Michael and Tempest. "They're both in London, which was a place at the time that had [signs saying], 'No dogs, no Blacks, no Irish'.

"So these are actually both very outsider characters who were treated differently – when an Irish man went to London in those times there was complete shunning of them as well. So they're guys who know what it is to be shunned, rejected, and treated as the other. And the fact that they find themselves caught in this tragedy against each other, it's a shame in a way.

"The sad thing about that particular time in Northern Ireland was that so much division between religions and nationality prevented so much integration," he adds. "And it's still unfortunately very present in Northern Ireland to this day – it's getting less so, but it's hard to think it'll ever go away.

"It's terrible to think that people connecting on a human level is prevented by something like a label or identity or nationality, whatever it is. Your best friend could have been the one that was serving in the army except you were just on the other end of the lines."

Although the film is set primarily in London, the shoot itself actually took place in Glasgow – with a number of London buses and other identifying features brought in to help transform the Scottish city into something resembling the UK capital. This was an interesting experience for Morgan, especially considering he has his own history with the city.

"I actually went to drama school in Glasgow, I went to the Royal Scottish [Conservatoire]," he says. "And the odd thing was that I hadn't really been there since I graduated and I found myself staying in an apartment that was right opposite the apartment I stayed in in my second year at drama school.

"It was this weird kind of full circle moment of suddenly there I was, like 15/20 years later. I could practically still see through the window of that apartment and see the 20-year-old me wondering, 'Oh, I wonder if this whole acting thing will ever work?'"

Of course, it wasn't long after graduating before Morgan's acting career very much did work. Following a number of early roles on stage and screen, including the Doctor Who episode Midnight, his big breakthrough came in 2008 when he was cast as the title character of BBC One's fantasy series Merlin – a show that went on to run for five highly successful seasons.

The series has retained a cult following since it ended in 2012, and some fans have long clamoured for some sort of reunion or reboot. But although Morgan thinks back fondly on his time on the show, returning to the role doesn't appear to be something he's considering any time soon.

"I think most actors are more about progression and moving forward and don't often look back," he explains. "Even on stage, sometimes plays I've done have wanted to remount and come back again, and I often found I don't take up those opportunities because I've wrung the towel dry and I've rinsed what I could out of it.

"That's certainly what I've tried to do with every project, it's like I invest every 110% into it so hopefully by the end of it, I feel like I've done all I could. And certainly on projects like Merlin, I felt like yeah, we definitely did that together as a team and it's certainly [something I] look back on and feel very proud of the work that I and everyone did."

On the subject of moving forward, Morgan has a number of other imminent projects in the pipeline. He has a key role alongside Jessica Lange, Ed Harris and Ben Foster in a new film adaptation of Eugene O'Neill's classic play Long Day’s Journey Into Night; he will star opposite Emma Appleton in the upcoming Paramount Plus legal thriller The Killing Kind; and he is currently filming a project which he can't yet disclose. The keys to the roles he's been looking for in recent times, he says, are variety and collaboration.

"I look for things I haven't done before, I look for challenges, I look for versatility, I look for passionate people," he explains. "I think more so than anything, what seems to be top of my list now is collaborators – people who have this kind of notion of bringing you into the fold and wanting to work with you not just to deliver the acting goods, but to know what you feel about the scripts and the story and have your input.

"And that's my background. My first jobs were all new writing in theatre and working with writers and developing and progressing and shaping things together. And that's what I thrive on more than anything in the world.

"That seems to be what people are wanting these days, I think the landscape has changed. People are really wanting multidisciplinary actors, and that's worth knowing for anybody wanting to come into the business: don't just be thinking about the acting, think about 360 degrees of everything."